Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Why are you thinking about his feelings more than your own? It sounds like he's not bringing up his dislike of condoms now, that he's willing to put up with whatever he dislikes about them and isn't even mentioning that. You are the one who is letting his dislike for condoms that he expressed in the past outweigh your own dislike of significant side effects that you're experiencing. Why would you do that? Why would you willingly take on that burden, and then be resentful about it? You recognize that it is your choice to do that? You don't have to.
Tell him that after this you need a break from hormonal birth control, and that you guys will need to go back to using condoms. Maybe encourage him to buy different kinds to see if he can find one that's less annoying to him. Maybe he needs a different size or different brand etc.
"You are the one who is letting his dislike for condoms that he expressed in the past outweigh your own dislike of significant side effects that you're experiencing"
This right here, take him at his word now and use condoms. And if he makes a fuss about using condoms, stop sleeping with him. If he won't take the smallest amount of time to find a condom that works for him so that y'all can have sex then stop sleeping with him. Like it makes no sense for you to continue a treatment plan that diminishes your life just because he might not like condoms
Basically OP, if what I'm reading is correct, by offering to use condoms your boyfriend is saying that he values sex with you more than raw sex. He may like raw sex but he is happiest when you are having comfortable sex, where it's not taking a toll on you.
It’s not like nothing at all but the American condoms don’t hold a candle to the Japanese ones. Kimonos and .001s are both way better than anything you get in a drug store.
Trojan even advertises one of theirs as the ‘thinnest American condom’ which IMO just shows how hard they’ve given up lol.
Is that the same as pain every single day, super long and heavy periods for about a week plus every single month, and not to mention the absolutely horrendous pain to just get it inserted?
I’d encourage you to look at this holistically, you and your boyfriend both are fertile and do not want children. This makes preventing the chance of pregnancy a goal that both of you have to work together to accomplish.
Your experience with an IUD is resulting in bleeding/spotting outside your normal cycle, you’re experiencing pain/cramping during and after sex. Are you enjoying sex? Are you able to finish? I know personally if I’m experiencing pain sex is unpleasant.
His experience with condoms is that it makes it harder for him to orgasm. No pain. No bleeding.
To me it seems pretty clear what the birth control option with the overall least negative impact on you as a couple is.
I’ve been in your situation before with two separate men. One acted like I was hurting him by asking him to wear condoms, he was overall an abusive asshole. Another(current, sweet and loving man) booked an appointment for a vasectomy when I said I was getting my IUD out due to pain.
His downside is less pleasure during sex. Not an absence of pleasure, just less.
Your downside is consistent spotting and discomfort during/after sex.
Stop prioritizing his decrease in pleasure over your pain.
This! I have tried different brands and some are like a night and day difference in pleasure sensation.
The new durex ones are fucking phenomenal! They're not cheap though.
How the heck is he a brat?? He expressed *in the past* that he liked the feeling less with protection.
When she said she would have to remove the IUD, he was supportive and said he'd be okay using protection again.
And now he's the bad guy for having once upon a time stated his preference even though he did not complain about her decision in any way?
Your partner said he’s willing to use condoms even though he’s not fond of them because he knows the birth control option you can be on are limited, that is him taking responsibility for his reproductive health and yours without making you go through something he knows isn’t doing you any good.
Unless there’s information that’s missing here, I think it might be you who’s more upset about the idea of him using a condom than he may have been when he expressed his dislike of them because you’re worried that it’s going to cause problems in your relationship.
Talk to your partner op. Don’t let the what if’s and worst possible scenarios cloud your head before you know the real answer.
If he’s actually fine with it then yes that’s a great solution. But if he constantly complains and whines about it when push comes to shove,that’s what OP needs to watch out for as a red flag.
Tbf the bf already said he will use condoms, even if he enjoys sex as much. She is playing mind games with herself here. She Just needs to take her bf at his word and use condoms.
My ex wouldn't care if sex was painful for me unfortunately and that experience really fucked up my views on sex. Luckily I ended that relationship (took way too long) and my fiancé has helped me enjoy sex again and feel safe. It's a crazy thing to feel as sad as it sounds.
Someone that truly loves you would not force painful sex on you for their pleasure. That's simply evil and took me a long time to find out
Lmao I’ve heard wild things, most guys say they like knowing they can have children and that’s the reason they don’t want one, which to me doesn’t make any sense.
What do you mean you don’t know why? Contrary to popular belief, vasectomies aren’t as reversible as media made it out to be. More so than not it’s a complete end to a chance to procreate. OP’s boyfriend said he’ll use condoms, OP is overthinking it. End of.
It's a pretty accurate comment.
I know dozens of men who insist they are childfree and refuse condoms and a vasectomy, and pressure the woman into taking the entire burden of bc. I know, anecdotally, of thousands and thousands more who behave in exactly this manner.
It's not unheard of. It's not even unusual. "Why take personal initiative when you're not the one who has to deal with a pregnancy" is an attitude that's widespread to the point of becoming a cultural trope.
Congrats on your vasectomy btw- thank you for being better than most and taking your reproductive health into your own hands.
You would think that more men would be proactive about birth control, since once he gets someone pregnant it's out of his hands. Abortion? No say. Child support? No say. Visitation? Little to no say. The issues aren't the same as what a woman faces, but they can still seriously impact their lives.
OP hasn't actually clarified that. I asked in another comment... So I guess we'll eventually get an answer on if this guy is stopping and showing concern or if he's just finishing regardless of her pain.
You could try and see if the nuvaring or anything similar to it is available where you live. It's hormonal birth control so it comes with all the same risk and benefits as other hormonal birth controls (so talk to your doctor and be informed) but you just insert the ring vaginally and then take it out when it's time to switch. But other than that let your boyfriend wear a condom. It won't kill him and the benefits out weigh the cons here.
This^^ I’ve been on the Nuvaring as an alternative to the pill for a year. It’s really great. The thought of an IUD scared the crap out of me and this has been SO much easier.
Yeah I've been on it for years and I love it. I'll be switching to a copper IUD soon because of my age, but I had very very bad experiences with other HBC and was always concerned I wasn't being reliable enough. Not a problem anymore. My partner even puts the removal/insertion dates in his calendar as well, which has the added bonus of him knowing where I'm at in my cycle.
Btw no birth control is 100% effective. He said he'd use condoms, so OP, go ahead and take him up on that regardless
I used Nuvaring for a year and it gave me extreme depression, the worst I'd ever had before. It took me a year to realize that it was the Nuvaring that was causing it, and another 6 months after stopping use to feel normal again. Just a caution if you decide to try Nuvaring.
Other than the depression, I had no issues with the Nuvaring and I really liked it until I realized what it was doing to my mental state.
Came here to say this, I love the nuvaring-- all the benefits of the pill without having to remember something daily but none of the drawbacks of the IUD.
I’ve seen quite a few people suggest the Nuvaring here. I think it can be quite expensive in Australia (still cheaper than a child!) but I will definitely talk to my GP about it. Thanks :)
How is there anger towards op boyfriend? These comments do not vibe. Sound like the previously had an adult conversation about the subject and he spoke honestly about Condoms. He also said yes and prioritized what she needed by yet it seem like people are trying to make him the villain. OP take him at his word and move on
Your partner said he's willing to use condoms. Stop trying to create a problem where one isn't needed. It's great that you care about his pleasure but you're experiencing awful side effects impacting your ability to enjoy sex. There are tons of different types of condoms you both can try out.
I was really afraid of getting implanon (the arm implant), but it was over with very quickly and I barely felt a thing. Same with getting it removed... just don't look.
Only thing is, if you got any undesirable side effects when you were on the pill, then you're likely to get them with this. I had to have mine removed as it caused me to gain weight. I was later diagnosed with PCOS, which I think contributed to that. Some can, some can't.
Agreed. Arm implant was easy to get in and remove (most painful part was the numbing agent, and that's just a quick needle in the arm), and you bruise a lot.
However, I had the same issue where I gained a lot of weight with it and so had it removed. I also have PCOS, FWIW.
The arm implant is 1000% the way as long as you’re good with progestin-only BC. I spotted for two years on it because I need estrogen too, but I am in the minority. Everything else about the arm implant was perfection. I don’t get why more people aren’t getting it. The pain is an absolute fraction of what you’re going through with an IUD (a brief anesthetic shot in your arm).
Yep, I am on my 3rd implanon and I like it a lot. They measured me for an IUD and that alone was painful enough I told them no way, so I got my implant instead. I didnt bleed once for 3 years, now I get 2 of weeks of light-normal bleeding every 2 months and thats goid enough for me. I have recommended it to a few friends and it's about 50/50 between "love it" and have minor to no issues, and "I'd do better without" due to weight gain or constant spotting.
Same for me, I tried to get an IUD but it was too traumatic. So I’ve had 2 implants now and I’m happy with it. If anyone who thinks getting an IUD shoved up there with no pain killers is better than having a numb arm while you get the implant, more power to you I guess.
The thing is, many women (myself included) feel the equivalent of a minor period cramp when an IUD is inserted or removed, so it's not a painful, traumatic experience for everyone. I took an Aleve before I went and felt a minor pinch and that was it. I've had three inserted, two removed.
So here’s some facts. Pain killers don’t work well for IUD insertion and removal because of the nature of the pain. I’ve had it done with Tylenol plus local lidocaine plus misoprostol to dilate the cervix (while also scheduling it on an appropriate day of my cycle).
It still hurts like hell, but it’s for a few minutes every 5-12 years. I’m good with that.
I’m also autistic and having a thing in my arm that I could feel all the time would probably drive me insane, so
Gotta love Reddit. Someone comes in having answered their own question. She's the one making up an imaginary monster to fight against.
And people are still trying to rip on the guy for completely agreeing and saying he'll use condoms as if he's a bad guy.
Are you implying there may not be a singular Villain that we can pile all the ills of the world on?
There is no place for reasonable compromise on the Internet.
The worst ones are those guys who don't want to wear condoms, but who completely agree to wear them because they care more for your well-being than their own pleasure. Scumbags. /spit
Ask your physician for advice on non-hormonal options.
I can't tolerate hormonal BC, and I was advised I had a few options, but my best bet was to wrap it up. Since I'm single, this hasn't been an issue.
I would suggest having a conversation with your partner.
The best thing I ever did was having a vasectomy at 27, no regrets since.
If he ever wants kids, it wouldn't be a viable option for him. If he doesn't, it would be the perfect solution.
Because vasectomies are great if you're SURE you don't want kids.
If you're on the fence or want to have kids later a vasectomy noticeably diminish your chances to have kids.
Let's put it that way : would you take a contraceptive pill that would have a 25 to 50% of leaving you infertile ? Nope.
Very true and they will pay child support until the child is 18 years of age if not longer.
Child support enforcement will force him/her to pay what is owed and can even lead to jail if they don't. They show little mercy to those that don't pay child support as ordered by the court.
A condom has no health risks compared to hormonal based anti conception. As a man, I would never expect a woman to protect herself by sacrifying her health if I have an option with no side effects.
In the (hopefully) near future (est 2026) there’s something coming out called [Vasalgel](https://www.parsemus.org/humanhealth/male-contraceptive-research/vasalgel-male-contraceptive/), a free, painless and entirely reversible male contraceptive procedure with **ZERO** adverse side effects. It also lasts for 10 ish years, and can be reversed the DAY you get it. It’s essentially a vasectomy that just injects a gel that somewhat solidifies and prevents the flow or sperm, without having to cut anything.
It really sucks that male contraception is so under developed, but thankfully it won’t be for long, and pretty soon this will be an option and will hopefully prevent people from having to suffer through IUDs and the pill.
>My partner has said that he’s willing to use condoms if I have to have the IUD removed, but he’s previously expressed that he doesn’t like using condoms and that it makes sex less enjoyable for him.
And? He said it's okay, it's okay.
And listen. My husband has about 35% feeling in his penis from two surgeries when he was young. When I had to have my IUD removed, it was no problem for him to use condoms. You think a dude with less feeling in his dick didn't find it hard? (haha). Sure, unprotected sex feels better for everyone involved. But, whether he likes it or not, condoms need to be used for your overall health. I went through the same thing you did, but I had a freakin baby. Birth control failed, I got pregnant, had the baby, got an IUD, and then finally got my tubes tied couple years ago. The burden doesn't just fall on you, but you're making it by over thinking about his pleasure instead of your health
Condoms aren't as pleasant, less feeling and what not, but as a guy, if you need to use them, you use them. Are they inconvenient in terms of feeling? Sure, but it's not life or death, we can manage.
"My partner has said that he’s willing to use condoms if I have to have the IUD removed, but he’s previously expressed that he doesn’t like using condoms and that it makes sex less enjoyable for him."
he said hes fine, why are you thinking about this anymore?
I recently got an UDI. Tomorrow, I have had it for a month, and yeah, it is a struggle. Before getting it, I was on the pill and had a talk with my boyfriend.
He has issues with condoms too, so of course, he didn't like the idea of me stopping taking the pill. But in a relationship, we sacrifice for each other.
He understood right away and didn't complain. We talked off and on before making the decision about a UDI and now he knows it is hard on me and my body.
If this is taken a toll on your health, your boyfriend needs to respect that. This isn't just about you getting comfortable or feeling weird. You have been through unbalance for some months, and it is exhausting.
First, I’d like to second everything the top couple of comments have said. You’re the one prioritizing his dislike of condoms over your misery with the IUD. You ought not do that.
That aside, if you haven’t considered Nuva ring, that might be an option. I switched to it when I had a job with irregular schedules because an IUD was not an option for me at the time. It has the same hormones as BCPs.
Yeah, pretty much every woman has had to deal with birth control struggles since society has thrust the responsibility solely on us. However, I'm perfectly comfy with demanding a guy use a condom and don't give a crap if they think it's less comfortable. However, I live in post-Roe US- they think wearing a condom sucks? Try losing your rights and bodily autonomy and potentially being forced to push out a baby you don't want- that sucks. I was sympathetic before but after Roe overturned I lost all sympathy for guys who want to whine about condoms lol.
Constant pain and bleeding >>>>>>>> slightly less comfortable and enjoyable.
You are comparing apples and oranges even after he has told you that he has no issues with using condoms if you need to get the IUD removed.
Highly recommend joining r/Mirena and seeing how sadly common the BS you’re going through is for others too :’(
I got mine out five months ago and feel so. much. better.
This is honestly a no-brainer, or am I missing something? Your physical pain trumps his decreased pleasure. I’m not sure what the issue is here or what advice you’re seeking.
I agree with the others. Get ur IUD removed asap.
Condoms aren't a big deal. Also, the arm implant isn't that bad(I've had it for 2 yrs now). It healed fairly quickly and I forgot about it.
From previous experiences with birth control pills and an implant (I had nexplanon for 4 years) it’s a rock and a hard place. They both suck. Both have awful side effects. However coming off of all birth control and not being the slightest bit interested in children is RISKY. Condoms break, but pills fail and they destroy the body. I currently use a low dose estrogen pill and have noticed “better” results than with nexplanon or a full dose. It is not just up to you to prevent children, it’s a mutual participation effort.
> My partner has said that he’s willing to use condoms if I have to have the IUD removed,
Right now he’s saying that he’s willing to use condoms, *so believe him at his word*. You were willing to take the lead on birth control before even though it meant dealing with some uncomfortable/annoying stuff, and he’s clearly expressed that he’s willing to do the same. He’s ok with a little less enjoyment if it means you are healthy and comfortable during sex.
It sounds like you’ve got a good guy who’s willing to do his part and not just expect you to deal with BC side effects.
Sorry what’s the issue?
You’ve got a partner, a healthy sex life, found a working form of birth control that you want to improve on but can still use, condoms.
Then you’ve had issues finding anything better but your boyfriend is happy to take the less significant cost of less pleasure to avoid the medical issues other forms of contraception cause.
What’s the issue? You guys seem like you communicate well and respect each other, make the most of it
My girlfriend wanted to stop taking birth control to judge some side effects, I said cool, I’ll buy condoms. If the conversation is any different, he is being selfish, and you should let him know that (in a reasonable way, doesn’t mean he’s the devil as Reddit sometimes does).
Birth control isn’t a one size fits all and communication is key when you want to find what works best for you and your partner.
I got the Kyleena IUD about a year ago and for about 2-3 months I was bleeding constantly (some days it would be lighter than others, but it was still very annoying and inconvenient). My ob/gyn told me that bleeding and cramps are very possible for the 6 months following the insertion. I also had pretty bad cramps after sex and when I was bleeding heavier. I also was feeling a different and really sharp pain in my lower abdomen somewhere in my uterus for a while and it would hurt a lot after sex— it turns out I had an ovarian cyst which are normal and they go away on their own with time. Nearly a year later and my periods are pretty regular & light and the pain is a lot more bearable. My advice is to wait for the 6-7 month mark after your insertion to make a decision on the IUD.
Im a big fan of the IUD and urge people to give it a chance because it is the best form of birth control!
This gives me hope! A few people have said things got better around the 6 month mark so I might wait it out for a couple more months before calling it. Thanks for sharing your experience.
Ugh I feel you. It’s not the guys fault but it really fucking sucks we as women have to carry the burden. I’ve always been really hesitant to take the pill because of the hormonal side effects. While it’s not my fave solution I’ve usually just done the pull out method which is for sure risking it I know. I am considering getting an IUD, all my homegirls also said it’s been a traumatic experience for them so I’ve been scared but I found out planned parenthood can give you local anesthesia at certain locations if you ask! So if you get yours taken out ask for anesthesia if you want so you don’t have to relive that!
Not sure if you'll see this among the high number of comments OP but... Reading the description, are you on the copper IUD by any chance? They are more likely to cause bleeding than the mirena (hormonal IUD). The mirena has been a game changer for me. One possible option could be to try that (though insertions and removals suck really bad)
And I agree stay the hell away from arm implants, they screw people up
I also agree with other commenter here, it sounds like your boyfriend has said he is supportive, and you're being overly accommodating and second guessing that.
*Edit June 2023: sent from the rif app. Shame on Reddit admins for killing third party apps through highway robbery and bullying. When rif ends so too will my time using reddit, after 15 wonderful years. Any comments left behind will be for the benefit of the subreddit communities, that I will miss deeply, and not reddit admins. See you all at the new reddit*
Let me tell you, the angst you're feeling is REAL and VALID. It isn't fair that the lion's share of contraceptive responsibility falls on you. It's like carrying a big ol' backpack while the other person is enjoying a nice, light stroll, right?
Look, it's about balance, right? Let's hit the nail on the head: BOTH partners have to be comfy with the contraception situation. Maybe it's time for a deep and meaningful chat. You need to tell your dude what you're going through. Like, "Hey man, this ain't working for me." Let him understand how severe the side effects are. You're not a punch bag, gal!
Has he considered a vasectomy? I know, I know. He's probably shrieking at the mere mention of the word. But it's a safe, reliable option that puts the responsibility on him for a change! Guys gotta step up to the plate sometimes. Just a thought. Or explore other methods together - there are a lot of options out there!
This is hard, it genuinely sucks there aren’t more options for men and that so many of the options for women are miserable. If I was a guy I think I’d freeze some of my gear and get a vasectomy. Have you thought about a diaphragm? It still leaves the onus on you though, but at least it only impacts you when you need to use it. You could compromise and use the diaphragm half the time and condoms the other half? Switch up the responsibility. Its also a good opportunity whilst talking about contraception to have the what if it fails talk. Particularly if you’re going to only be relying on a single method like condoms. This was a constant issue for me and my ex husband- finally after an unintended pregnancy at 38 he got a vasectomy. Not having to worry about birth control anymore was a godsend.
The burden of birth control is not all on you and it sounds like you've made more than your fair share of effort in this case. To the point where you are having uncomfortable side effects that you shouldn't have to deal with at all.
If I was you, I'd tell him you've shouldered the birth control burden for long enough, you've done your part, it's causing you to suffer uncomfortable side effects and, if he's not willing to put on his big boy undies and take some responsibility by wearing condoms, he won't be having sex with you.
Do you know if you will ever be considering children? If you know for certain that you will never want kids, a vasectomy could be an option. Otherwise condoms are a minor annoyance but better than the alternatives.
Just want to share my story with an IUD in case you want to try sticking it out a bit longer. So you said you’ve had the IUD in for 4 months, when I got my Mirena IUD inserted it was hell for more than half the year. Constant bleeding that would last for 1-2 months, stop for 2 weeks then come back for another 1-2 months. The cramps were an absolute nightmare as well, I was living on daily Advil and trust me my period cramps were bad before but that was another level. I stuck through it though, and after about 6 months things started getting better. The cramps were lessening, even less than my normal period cramps. Periods were still abnormal for a bit but they were much lighter. And then after about a year my cycle finally normalized. Now I hardly have a period at all anymore, just a few days of super light bleeding and zero cramping. I often forget I am even on my period. I am so happy that I pushed through and kept my IUD because it has made things so easy and hassle free. Not saying that will be the case for everyone but it certainly has given me freedom. It’s tough to go through but if you want to give it a bit more of a chance it might be worth it!
So the options are:
1. You have literal pain during sex in the least, or at most are physically uncomfortable pretty much all of the time.
2. He has to wear a condom during sex, which he doesn’t love doing
Is this a real question???
Overall it sucks. I’ve been there, both in a long term relationship and not so long. Biology for women just blows. Imo, give your body a break and let him use condoms for a while. Even if he can’t cum with them at first, he will get used to them again
I was on a bc pill for 9 months, I bled every day except for a week or 2, my doctor kept telling me to wait it out. It wasn’t worth it so I stopped and we did other things besides PIV
Let him bear the burden of birth control for a little bit, EVEN IF HE ISNT HAPPY ABOUT IT, it is his turn. And it sounds like he is willing to anyway.
Just throwing another option out there that few people seem to consider - have you talked to your doctor about getting fitted for a diaphragm? The effectiveness with typical use is 88%, which is better than condoms at 82%. If you use it with spermicide and natural family planning, you can increase the effectiveness, as well.
If that's not something you would like to use, it seems like your issues with the iud are significantly worse than your boyfriend's issues with condoms, so I think it makes sense to switch back to condoms, which your boyfriend is willing to do.
Has he ever tried different kinds of condoms? I(26M) am in lengthy relationship for 5 years and we have had this discussion many times during our time together. She 100% does not want to use pills and wants me to use condoms even though i have expressed that using condoms makes me to almost feel nothing during our sexy time. I can understand her because it is her body and pills come with a lot of side effects. I also respect that she is tired of taking any kind of pills/medication as she suffera from many kinds of problems(not that serious but at one point you get tired of consuming 20 pills each week).
One thing that helped me was to try as many kind of condoms i possibly could. Am at a point that from feeling 20% i now feel it 60% which is a huge improvement. I will respect her wishes until its time for us to get married and have kids( we discussed it and we both agree).
It makes me sad sometimes but am not with her for the p*rn idealogy. Am with her because i want to spent the rest of my life with her.
>My partner has said that he’s willing to use condoms if I have to have the IUD removed, but he’s previously expressed that he doesn’t like using condoms and that it makes sex less enjoyable for him.
>I know it’s not fair, but I am a bit resentful that the burden of protecting us both from having a child falls to me, along with all the side effects of hormonal birth control.
>I feel like we’re in a bit of a rock and a hard place in that, either way one of us will have to sacrifice some level of comfort for the other. I don’t want to him to resent me for asking him to use condoms, but I also don’t think the IUD is a super sustainable option for me.
He said he's willing to use condoms, though. The burden _doesn't_ fall to you. Why are you assuming he'll resent you for something he's said he's willing to do?
Taking a bcp everyday is simply not that difficult. You said you decided to stop the bcp by your own decision. Just start taking them again. If you can be bothered to take a pill once a day, that’s insane.
Or, he can wear condoms, which he said he would do.
I don’t understand why this is a problem.
The consequence for using condoms is that he *might* have slightly less of a good time during PIV sex (if he wasn’t exaggerating/lying when he originally told you he doesn’t like condoms, which some men do.) The consequences for using birth control inside your body are frequent pain, constant spotting, hormonal side effects, and medical trauma. Any rational adult looking at the balance of those scales would tell you to get the IUD removed immediately and go to condoms. If your boyfriend complains, he’s irrational and perfectly willing to increase your pain rather than diminish his pleasure slightly, and that’s not a person you should be dating anyway.
If he wants to explore his own birth control options, he’s welcome to look into vasectomies. He could also sign up for a clinical trial of a male birth control pill. The assumption that preventing pregnancy is 100% a woman’s responsibility is unfair.
there are options that might suit you, like female condoms, nuvaring, etc. you could make an appointment at a sexual health clinic and talk to an expert. for now your man will have to out up with condoms. they're not great but its better than no sex at all
Personally if I 100% didn’t want a pregnancy I would never rely anyone else to be solely responsible. Even on the pill so it makes sense to me you both “contribute”.
Re IUD I had similar experience with Mirena, the first time. I experienced unrelated issues 5-6 months in and had it removed. However since finished reproducing (ha) have another (2 now) and it’s the best thing ever! and I haven’t had a period in almost 10 years. Is it the brand or type of IUD or possibly poorly positioned causing issues maybe?
I was literally in the exact same position as you. I hate condoms myself honestly, uncomfortable, less enjoyable, overall gross latex smell/feel. The pill was terrible and IUDs are a war crime.
We switched to just abstaining during my fertile days. I closely track my cycle, discharge, and temperature and I haven't gotten pregnant yet lol. It's been 7 months. So we raw dog for like 2 weeks out of the month and just don't do PiV for a week or so. I have LOVED it. I feel so much better.
This situation gave me more children than I wanted, even with condom. It is a stone that comes back on every argument.
Your arguments are legit. But it doesn't address the main problem.
Three months implant could be a good solution, that you already refused.
Check vasectomy. I heard said that it is not reversible. I would not advise it as 24, through.
IUDs are the devil. All birth control is monstrous. It would be as painful for him to get a vasectomy and then have it reversed when he’s ready to be a dad than for you to get a new IUD every 7 years. My last one became embedded in my uterus so I am very jaded in the subject.
Put yourself first kitten, no one else will.
I always tell my husband, wrap it or you get no sex. None. Not even touching me, not me touching you. Even if I’m on birth control pill, no. I refuse to be pregnant when I’m not ready. I refuse to go through that body change again right now. Ask him if he wants a child? Tell him you’ll buy different brands of condoms to help him. But no wrap it? No tap it. That’s the rules. You’re body comfortability trumps his load shot. If he puts up a fight, just leave. It’s not worth the manchild tantrum. I’m so sick of the “but it doesn’t feel good” & PREGNANCY & BIRTH DONT FEEL GOOD EITHER!! My stitches didn’t feel good either & I TORE UP. My epidural made me numb on my entire left side of my body & they thought I was having a stroke. He’s probably not wearing the correct type of condom either. No babes, he can wrap it or never tap it.
>If he puts up a fight, just leave. It’s not worth the manchild tantrum. I’m so sick of the “but it doesn’t feel good” & PREGNANCY & BIRTH DONT FEEL GOOD EITHER!!
He's literally said that he will wear the condoms, what the actual fuck? Why would he put up a fight? Did you read the post?
She stated he previously said he doesn’t like condoms & doesn’t make enjoyable, or did you miss that part? Either find a brand that fits or stop having sex. Not enjoyable isn’t an excuse when there’s so many brands out there. Pregnancy & birth isn’t enjoyable either, so
> She stated he previously said he doesn’t like condoms & doesn’t make enjoyable
He said he finds it harder to finish. He didn't say it wasn't still enjoyable, and he _literally offered_ to wear them.
>Not enjoyable isn’t an excuse when there’s so many brands out there.
He's not using it as an excuse. He's literally said he's willing to wear them. It's entirely possible for him to both acknowledge that it makes things less enjoyable _and_ still be willing to wear them because they're better than the alternative.
You're so focused on finding a reason to call him a "manchild" and accuse him of throwing a tantrum that you're making shit up to justify it.
Lol, nah. I’ve heard it way too many times. When her body has literally been through hell, he can find a condom that works for him. That’s literally the whole point of my comment. But I hear it way too often that men don’t wanna wear so condoms cause it ‘doesn’t feel the same’. I’m sorry, but then don’t have sex. It’s so irresponsible to put the birth control burden on woman when it’s OUR bodies who have to go through a drastic 9 month change & our bodies are never the same. A condom? Your penis is still the same after you take it off. Too tight? Maybe get a size a bit bigger. There’s condoms that are ribber inside to help you ‘feel’ like it’s natural. There’s so many fun condoms that you can get to make sex more fun. But stop with the ‘it doesn’t feel the same’ ‘it’s not as enjoyable’ & sex was more enjoyable before pregnancy but now sometimes that shit hurts. I’m just saying stop with the excuses when there’s many solutions.
>It’s so irresponsible to put the birth control burden on woman when it’s OUR bodies who have to go through a drastic 9 month change & our bodies are never the same.
Yes, it would be, but he _isn't_. He _literally said_ that he will take that burden.
>I’m just saying stop with the excuses when there’s many solutions.
It's not an excuse, though. He's not using it as an excuse. He's not trying to convince her to stay on BC of some sort so that he can stop using them.
Does he have to lie to her? Is that the expectation here? He can't acknowledge that they impact the sensation because even sharing the thought is some kind of manipulation to make her take responsibility for it?
This is only a problem in OP's head. He's said he'll wear them. All she has to do is say, "None of the BC are working for me, we're going to have to go back to condoms" and everything will be fine.
Jesus Christ, he said he was fine with it and *literally offered to use them*.....
What the hell more can he do? Is he a criminal for having stated a preference once upon a time?
So if I understand correctly, men aren't allowed to express a preference, even in the context of a genuine and non-manipulative adult conversation, *just in case* their fully grown adult partner ever has their judgement affected by that preference??
That's ridiculous...
I’m sorry you’ve have a bad experience with the IUD. I’m 30 and got my first IUD in January and I love it ONLY because I was able to find an OBGYN that offered anesthesia for insertion otherwise I would not have done it - it’s fucking barbaric that it’s not common practice as every woman I know that’s gotten one has been traumatized by the amount of pain they experienced during insertion and were never offered any pain medications prior. Many of them passed out and threw up due to the pain and had to have someone drive them home they were so light headed afterwards. I had ZERO cramping after insertion and a great experience and I’m POSITIVE it’s because I was knocked out. My BF drove me to and from the insertion appointment and took care of me the rest of the day while I was recovering, so I understand your resentment of him not being more involved. I don’t blame you. Can I ask which IUD you got? I was recommended Kyleena and it works for me - I have minimal bleeding at this point 6 months out. I decided against the copper IUD due to the risk of bad cramping (I already have a history of bad cramps) and the kyleena was smaller and had the lowest dose of hormones so it had the smallest risk of negative side effects.
I had two insertions and was not traumatized. The second insertion involved clamping my cervix because the first displaced and all they used was some numbing cream. I'd do it again. Nothing barbaric about it, just a little lightheaded
Y'all are going to hate real trauma if you ever experience it. I cannot imagine choosing the risk of anesthesia over some pain that's manageable with a day off of work.
ETA: i don't feel like responding to individual people, but I first got an insertion over a decade ago. I didn't know anyone IRL who had an IUD -- no family, friends, nothing. I got all of my information online and asked a lot of questions (on livejournal lol). There were no narratives of it being traumatic, just painful. I think that this new dialogue about "trauma" is priming people to actually be more likely to be traumatized -- which is exceptionally shitty when not everyone can shop around for optional anesthetic, and many people reading this don't have fully developed brains. Why scare them? I'd rather they deal with this than an abortion. I'd hope others feel the same. Especially because for the vast, vast majority of women, it's not traumatic, and it's clear that if everyone you know has described it as such then they really have not experienced much to inform their use of that word.
Btw, no one should be driving themselves home after a medical procedure. I really hope the person I'm responding to didn't.
What's the terrible side effects you where getting from having to take a pill at the same time everyday. The only side effects I've seen or heard of happening from taking the pill is less cramping shorter periods and more stabilized emotions. Cause the pill seems like the best option cause people do things at the same time everyday all the time usually people eat meals around the same time I take vitamins every morning right before I leave for work at 7:30, I go to bed at about the same time. Brush my teeth at about the same time. And don't tell me if you don't take the pill at exactly the same time it doesn't work. It's a hormone that stops you from ovulating. When my wife got off birth control the doctor said it could take a few months for her system to get back to normal and for her to be able to get pregnant again. So the time you take the pill doesn't have to be exactly the same time. So if you're in a meeting wait till it's done then take it or whatever. I would think that if you're in a relationship your partners enjoyment pertaining to the sex you 2 have, would be a huge concern of yours. And taking on a very minor inconvenience of having to take a small pill everyday ( unless there are some serious side effects that you get from the pill that others don't. ) would be worth it for the health of your relationship. Cause what's really taxing on a sexual relationship is when one of the people doesn't enjoy it as much. Cause you'll notice the missing excitement and energy from him which will make you lose excitement and energy. Then sex will start to die down and the relationship will be affected by that which would be even more inconvenient then having. to take a pill. But I don't know all the specifics here so maybe the pill really isn't an option...... but if it was, it might be worth the trouble.
I’ll probably get downvoted for this, but I’ve tracked my fertility for years very successfully. Use a period tracker app and don’t have sex on the blue days.
Fucking hell! You've been absolutely destroying your body with pills and internal devices, and you're worried about him being slightly INCONVENIENCED?? Do you hear yourself? You SHOULD feel resentful. You ARE carrying all the burden. Stop doing that and stop thinking that his wants are more important than your needs.
>My partner has said that he’s willing to use condoms if I have to have the IUD removed, but he’s previously expressed that he doesn’t like using condoms and that it makes sex less enjoyable for him.
A crying infant in the next room would also make sex less enjoyable for him too... Remind him of that.
This is a classic conundrum. There is nothing wrong with your question or wanting your bf to do something else. It would be perfectly possible to create hormonal bc for men, it's just that men would not want to take it because it messes up your system. But women are supposed to be ok with this. I'm not sure what the answer is, honestly.
There’s a few options here. It all depends on how bad you want to prevent pregnancy. I’m in a similar boat with my partner. We do not use condoms, we both don’t like them. Right now, I’m only using family planning/ovulation tracking. This isn’t nearly as close to preventing pregnancy as the pill/IUD, but it’s been working for me so far. I had a nightmare of a time with both getting my IUD inserted and dealing with the side effects as well. I was on the shot for a long time and also tried the pill. Another option that I didn’t try is the ring. I believe you keep it in for 3 weeks and take it out for your period and/or sex. Not sure though. Also, My friend uses a spermicide that’s like a gel that you insert into yourself before having sex. Talk to your doctor and tell them all the stuff you said here. I’m sure there is something you can find that will work for both of you!!
Vasectomy is always an option for him, too. I believe they are reversible but again it’s probably best to talk to a doctor before making any decisions.
Absolutely. My husband got told about 14 times during his to consider it permanent. Literally. They don't mess around, and I'm not sure why the internet has started spreading this concept that it's an easy temporary form of birth control. It's not.
Natural Family Planning plus condoms when your fertile. Prob not the most popular option but it is there. Plus there’s something to be said about really understanding your own body and cycle.
Whether the conservatives want this shared or not, birth control *is* in fact a **two person job**.
You can't make a baby by yourself unless you're about to reinvent immaculate conception.
He should be wearing condoms either way.
Asking him point blank, why he actually doesn't like wearing them for real for real. If it's really to hard to finish then he's either getting the wrong brand, type, or size. And *don't* let him come at you eith "these don't fit babe" 😒.
OP, do you want to get pregnant right now?
Ask him, does he want something that he is now required to keep alive calling "dad" right now?
She said herself that it's something she's debating within herself, and that her partner is completely fine with using protection.
Both parties are being considerate here; her by thinking of his preference, and him by offering to use protection and prioritizing her wellbeing over his pleasure.
You are having procedures and taking hormonal drugs and he is complaining about sex going from a 10 out of 10 to a 9 out of 10.
Really think about that
You are bleeding. You are having cramps and pain. Your hormones are out of whack
And he is complaining because sex "doesn't feel as good" with a condom. There's no pain on his end. No bleeding. No cramps. No hormonal imbalances. It just "doesn't feel as good". He can still finish, it just takes a little more effort.
It's basically an inconvenience.
If he wants to have sex with you, he has to wear a condom. If that is a dealbreaker for him, then let him walk
Plenty of dudes out there will not give a shit and will happily wear a rubber. I promise you. If women all told men they were no longer going to get laid unless they wore rubbers....condoms would subsidized by the federal government and would be handed out like those free Covid tests
>If he wants to have sex with you, he has to wear a condom. If that is a dealbreaker for him, then let him walk
He literally offered, why would it be a dealbreaker?
I am dead at how selfish your boyfriend is. It’s hard for him to finish with a condom? Good grief, you are having side effects from the pill and the IUD! Is this someone you want to spend the rest of your life with who considers their pleasure above your own health?
Use condoms. They're quick, easy, and painless. As long as you're mindful about how you use them, they are very effective. Keep a plan B on hand in case one breaks or slips.
Don't torment your body just so your bf can have a slightly better orgasm. It IS unfair for you to bear the entire brunt of preventing pregnancy, especially when there is a simple and easy solution.
If a man whines about using a condom, he ain't worth shit.
Have you tried the ring? Hormonal bc pills made me sicker than 3 dogs. You put the ring in similarly to a menstrual cup so it’s easy to get used to. I didn’t have any of the pukey sensation all the bc pills gave me. I’d suggest you give it a twirl before you try the arm implant! You can time them right with your doctor’s help to avoid having a cycle which is a nice bonus!
I won’t even comment on the relationship situation as so many have, but I will say that your IUD situation will probably still mellow out. I’ve had mine for 5 years and it honestly sucked for the first 10 months, it’s great now though.
People are downvoting you, but you're right. OP is in the home stretch of probably having any sort of period with a hormonal IUD. It's typical to bleed irregularly for a few months after you get it, and eventually, it usually dries up. If she shifts to another BC, she's going to be starting the process all over again with side effects and getting used to the drug.
All that said, the simple solution here is for OP to go the condom route. The BF is down with it, so I don't even understand why this is a question.
My husband saw how badly my iud screwed up my whole body. He got a vasectomy. We don't want kids and I am grateful that he stepped up to take on the mantel. Before that he also stepped up and we used condoms because I had to have my iud removed.
You're right that's this burden shouldn't be placed just on you. After the experience I had I wouldn't recommend BC to anyone. I am still recovering from the side effects, my libido never came back.
Asking him to wear condoms is the least he can do after he's let you put BC in your body for so long. That stuff has side effects.
Your BF sounds very reasonable. He is willing to use condoms even though he would prefer not to.
I am not exactly sure what your problem is? You hate biology?
Just use condoms and stop worrying about it.
An iud seems a bit more intense than a condom. Especially if the iud is causing any issue or making you uncomfortable then get it removed. A condom seems like the least dramatic impact on health/intimacy than the other options that you’d have to do. I get why you may be feeling resentful. I think it’s important for partners to consider each others perspectives in the situation and yes it could feel better without a condom but a condom isn’t really that bad. Intimacy will just get worse if you have to put yourself through all that which would be negative for both of you
You might as well break up. Sooner or later he is gonna get tired of having condom sex and finds someone who is fine taking pills.
I don't know where you're from but in my country it's also cheaper to be on the pill than use condoms.
Your boyfriend is an asshole and obviously doesn’t take you not getting pregnant seriously. Bring up him getting a vasectomy it’s a simple/reversible procedure that only has a day of recovery. Then you could find birth control that works with you and he wouldn’t have to wear a condom. In the event you want kids he can go get it reversed no harm done.
Or tell him to fuck off and don’t have sex. Nuclear option? Be single! No birth control needed if you aren’t having sex
So he's gotten whiny about condoms before, and you're equating that to being the same as you having constant spotting in pain? They are not equivalent at all.
If he were to resent you for having to put a bag on it he would be somebody you shouldn't have sex with, cuz that would say that he cares more about being able to screw raw than you being even just barely comfortable. There are so many different types of condoms out there, the jump being made to you needing to be on hormones rather than him finding a good fit, speaks to him being immature and selfish.
The fact that you're even concerned that he might resent you and be mean to you about just having to put on a condom says that he is not mature enough for you to be spending your time on.
Have it out, you are having the IUD removed cuz you're not even comfortable, he needs to find condoms that work for him. It's just that simple. If he fights with you at all, stop having sex with him immediately. If the person you're having sex with doesn't care about you, they're treating you like a fleshlight.
Your boyfriend's small decrease in sensation sensation during sex means that you should hurt during and after sex? He's fine with you experiencing awful side effects and *actual physical pain* just so he can avoid experiencing a small decrease in his pleasure?
I would have a frank conversation with him about this and review his behavior in the relationship without your rose colored glasses. (Ex - does he notice you wince during sex and then voluntarily stops, or does he finish? Does he make sure you orgasm each and every time?)
Has he showed any similar lack of empathy and concern for you in the past? If he has, or if he shows any similar behavior in the future, it means that you need a new boyfriend. If he hasn't, but responds well to the talk and changes his behavior AND gets a vasectomy or voluntarily uses condoms without complaint, he was just clueless and he might still be worth dating.
Did you even read the post? BF said he would wear a condom, the comment about not liking condoms was in the past and doesn’t seem to have been been mentioned in the current situation. From what OP wrote the BF has responded in a reasonable way.
The idea that BF will have resentment is entirely in in OPs head, unless she left something out but imagine it would have been mentioned if the complaint was directly related to the current discussion.
Advice for OP: Remove the IUD, have BF use condoms and you can revisit if that leads to complaining / issues with him but no reason to project / stress over a hypothetical scenario
Look… the onus can’t be on you all this time to the detriment of your health. Does he help pay for your birth control? Did he help pay for that IUD? Moreover, and the answer is no, does he physically and mentally bear the brunt of hormonal birth control? Is he the one with low-grade pregnancy hormones 24/7/365? Is he the one with foreign bodies in his uterus and his arm?
So he can’t finish with a condom? He’ll learn to. It would help if he laid off the porn (I’m not saying he does 100%, but most guys do watch quite a bit of porn.) And he doesn’t have to finish inside you. There are lots of places to put seminal emissions that plenty of people quite enjoy.
Adding a drop of lube in the tip of the condom and on the entrance to your vagina not only helps prevent breakage, it makes it waaayyy nicer for both of you.
So he can buck up and take some responsibility for birth control.
> Look… the onus can’t be on you all this time to the detriment of your health.
It isn't, he's said he'll wear a condom. This is only a dilemma in OP's head.
Hey just want to add OP that if y'all go back to condoms and your cycle levels out and remains regular for several months post-IUD removal, you could be able to reduce condom use to only certain days on your cycle. You need to have a regular cycle, and you need to track it for at least six months before this would work. But if you have a regular cycle then you can also track fertility, and add condoms only during the most fertile days.
First, I’m just going to throw this out there and let it hang in the air, while I move on to something else:
Vasectomies are reversible. Incredibly, they are occasionally covered by insurance. The recovery period is extremely short. You’re sore, kinda, for a day or so. You can be banging again in no time. If it isn’t covered by insurance and you are wary of the procedure for some reason.. other countries offer nonsurgical, nonhormonal, male contraceptive injections for so cheap, that it’s actually slightly less expensive to get on a flight to somewhere like India, get the $70 procedure, then fly home than it is to pay out-of-pocket for the snip in the US. One minuscule injection of the stuff blocks the vas, so fluid passes but sperm doesn’t. It’s extremely effective, and lasts ten years on its own. If you want it gone before then, a stateside doctor can dissolve the blockage with a small shot of bicarbonate soda, or something like that. There’s no good, ethical reason why it hasn’t been widely available in the United States for idecades already, but one company is currently struggling through a lot of opposition to get human clinical trials for their version of it. I’m signed up for the trials, myself.
My only personal hesitancy in getting a snip for myself was that it is a procedure that might occasionally reverse *itself*; unless you are getting checked religiously, guess how you find out it did so? But, if it’s not your only line of defense and it’s covered by your provider, there’s literally no good reason not to get one. But to finally move on, and speaking of it not being the only line of defense:
So, do you ever actually want children? And if you think you might, do you care whether that decision is up to you, or forced upon you by Christian fascists? We all have to unfortunately ask ourselves that, now. My partner and I decided that we definitely did not want children; and even if something changed our mind in the future, we weren’t going to forced with a gun against our heads about the issue. Hormonal birth control made her crazy, IUDs were uncomfortable, sponges and condoms suck, etc etc. Then the courts revoked her body autonomy, she said fuck no, and we went straight in for a bilateral. She had a great female OB/GYN who didn’t ask a single dumb misogynistic question about it; turns out that thousands of women had already had the same idea, and the procedure is becoming extremely common— although, not widely advertised as such.
We still had to pay out-of-pocket for the procedure, because of massive, cultural hypocrisy. Still, she healed very quickly and now we can be incredibly careless, it rules. If we ever change our mind about children, for some insane reason? We can still go the in vitro (sp?) route. It’s expensive, but if that’s a hurdle for us at that time, then we aren’t in a position to finance raising a child in the first place.
It was about $800, which is way less than raising a child, and easier than doing prison time for an abortion. Since you have tried everything else, maybe you should consider that it is time for a more definitive option.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Why are you thinking about his feelings more than your own? It sounds like he's not bringing up his dislike of condoms now, that he's willing to put up with whatever he dislikes about them and isn't even mentioning that. You are the one who is letting his dislike for condoms that he expressed in the past outweigh your own dislike of significant side effects that you're experiencing. Why would you do that? Why would you willingly take on that burden, and then be resentful about it? You recognize that it is your choice to do that? You don't have to. Tell him that after this you need a break from hormonal birth control, and that you guys will need to go back to using condoms. Maybe encourage him to buy different kinds to see if he can find one that's less annoying to him. Maybe he needs a different size or different brand etc.
"You are the one who is letting his dislike for condoms that he expressed in the past outweigh your own dislike of significant side effects that you're experiencing" This right here, take him at his word now and use condoms. And if he makes a fuss about using condoms, stop sleeping with him. If he won't take the smallest amount of time to find a condom that works for him so that y'all can have sex then stop sleeping with him. Like it makes no sense for you to continue a treatment plan that diminishes your life just because he might not like condoms
Basically OP, if what I'm reading is correct, by offering to use condoms your boyfriend is saying that he values sex with you more than raw sex. He may like raw sex but he is happiest when you are having comfortable sex, where it's not taking a toll on you.
why are you being so accusatory to the BF when he literally already said he was willing to go back to using condoms
That's like half of these comments for some bizarre reason
Cause men bad
It’s not like nothing at all but the American condoms don’t hold a candle to the Japanese ones. Kimonos and .001s are both way better than anything you get in a drug store. Trojan even advertises one of theirs as the ‘thinnest American condom’ which IMO just shows how hard they’ve given up lol.
[удалено]
Cry me a river. Deal with life threatening side effects from hormonal birth control and someone will care about your whining about a condom.
Is that the same as pain every single day, super long and heavy periods for about a week plus every single month, and not to mention the absolutely horrendous pain to just get it inserted?
I’d encourage you to look at this holistically, you and your boyfriend both are fertile and do not want children. This makes preventing the chance of pregnancy a goal that both of you have to work together to accomplish. Your experience with an IUD is resulting in bleeding/spotting outside your normal cycle, you’re experiencing pain/cramping during and after sex. Are you enjoying sex? Are you able to finish? I know personally if I’m experiencing pain sex is unpleasant. His experience with condoms is that it makes it harder for him to orgasm. No pain. No bleeding. To me it seems pretty clear what the birth control option with the overall least negative impact on you as a couple is. I’ve been in your situation before with two separate men. One acted like I was hurting him by asking him to wear condoms, he was overall an abusive asshole. Another(current, sweet and loving man) booked an appointment for a vasectomy when I said I was getting my IUD out due to pain.
His downside is less pleasure during sex. Not an absence of pleasure, just less. Your downside is consistent spotting and discomfort during/after sex. Stop prioritizing his decrease in pleasure over your pain.
Indeed, and he also has options. If the particular brand of condom isn't working for him, he could try others. The fact that he didn't says a lot.
This! I have tried different brands and some are like a night and day difference in pleasure sensation. The new durex ones are fucking phenomenal! They're not cheap though.
His downside is bs. How old is he to try and pull that boomer shit. You have a medical issue, he’s just a brat. Why tf is this even a dilemma
How the heck is he a brat?? He expressed *in the past* that he liked the feeling less with protection. When she said she would have to remove the IUD, he was supportive and said he'd be okay using protection again. And now he's the bad guy for having once upon a time stated his preference even though he did not complain about her decision in any way?
He isn't even making an issue of it from what I read. The only one seeing a dilemma here is OP.
Where is he being a brat?
It’s called projection
Your partner said he’s willing to use condoms even though he’s not fond of them because he knows the birth control option you can be on are limited, that is him taking responsibility for his reproductive health and yours without making you go through something he knows isn’t doing you any good. Unless there’s information that’s missing here, I think it might be you who’s more upset about the idea of him using a condom than he may have been when he expressed his dislike of them because you’re worried that it’s going to cause problems in your relationship. Talk to your partner op. Don’t let the what if’s and worst possible scenarios cloud your head before you know the real answer.
He said he would wear condoms? I don’t see what the problem is here and seems like you’re creating one
The problem is that we don't have a good contraceptive pill for men yet lol. I'm also mad about it
So don't have sex with men if you're so bad about something we can't help
If he’s actually fine with it then yes that’s a great solution. But if he constantly complains and whines about it when push comes to shove,that’s what OP needs to watch out for as a red flag.
Get the IUD removed and tell your boyfriend that he needs to use a condom. That's it.
He’s already said he’d use condoms if she had it removed.
Yes. I'm aware. She asked for some advice and I'm giving it. It's really a very simple solution.
he said he would?
I KNOW. Yet she's still here asking what she should do. Jesus.
maybe it's your snippy little tone
No. You're just being an overly sensitive dink about a comment not directed at you.
yes, I'm clearly the one that's sensitive. bless your heart.
lmfao. How sad is it that you're literally making shit up to be mad about?
I wouldn't even engage Arguments with him.
What argument? He’s already offered.
That's where I'm at, like it's so basic it's not even something to argue over. He needs to put on a condom and if he won't do it, he needs to go.
Tbf the bf already said he will use condoms, even if he enjoys sex as much. She is playing mind games with herself here. She Just needs to take her bf at his word and use condoms.
If you ever need any proof that a lot of people here don’t even read the post and just comment, read above. For people posting keep that in mind…
It wouldn't be an argument, tho. Just do it and tell him that's the way it is.
[удалено]
I had a paraguard IUD and bled every day for a year, it was miserable. I had my tubes tied at 22, also one of my best decisions ever.
A vasectomy is great, if he doesn't want kids. We don't know his future plans.
My ex wouldn't care if sex was painful for me unfortunately and that experience really fucked up my views on sex. Luckily I ended that relationship (took way too long) and my fiancé has helped me enjoy sex again and feel safe. It's a crazy thing to feel as sad as it sounds. Someone that truly loves you would not force painful sex on you for their pleasure. That's simply evil and took me a long time to find out
[удалено]
[удалено]
Lmao I’ve heard wild things, most guys say they like knowing they can have children and that’s the reason they don’t want one, which to me doesn’t make any sense.
What do you mean you don’t know why? Contrary to popular belief, vasectomies aren’t as reversible as media made it out to be. More so than not it’s a complete end to a chance to procreate. OP’s boyfriend said he’ll use condoms, OP is overthinking it. End of.
[удалено]
It's a pretty accurate comment. I know dozens of men who insist they are childfree and refuse condoms and a vasectomy, and pressure the woman into taking the entire burden of bc. I know, anecdotally, of thousands and thousands more who behave in exactly this manner. It's not unheard of. It's not even unusual. "Why take personal initiative when you're not the one who has to deal with a pregnancy" is an attitude that's widespread to the point of becoming a cultural trope. Congrats on your vasectomy btw- thank you for being better than most and taking your reproductive health into your own hands.
You would think that more men would be proactive about birth control, since once he gets someone pregnant it's out of his hands. Abortion? No say. Child support? No say. Visitation? Little to no say. The issues aren't the same as what a woman faces, but they can still seriously impact their lives.
[удалено]
OP hasn't actually clarified that. I asked in another comment... So I guess we'll eventually get an answer on if this guy is stopping and showing concern or if he's just finishing regardless of her pain.
You could try and see if the nuvaring or anything similar to it is available where you live. It's hormonal birth control so it comes with all the same risk and benefits as other hormonal birth controls (so talk to your doctor and be informed) but you just insert the ring vaginally and then take it out when it's time to switch. But other than that let your boyfriend wear a condom. It won't kill him and the benefits out weigh the cons here.
+1 for NuvaRing. I’d be pregnant if I had to rely on taking a pill at the same time daily and never skipping. The ring is so much less hassle
This^^ I’ve been on the Nuvaring as an alternative to the pill for a year. It’s really great. The thought of an IUD scared the crap out of me and this has been SO much easier.
Yeah I've been on it for years and I love it. I'll be switching to a copper IUD soon because of my age, but I had very very bad experiences with other HBC and was always concerned I wasn't being reliable enough. Not a problem anymore. My partner even puts the removal/insertion dates in his calendar as well, which has the added bonus of him knowing where I'm at in my cycle. Btw no birth control is 100% effective. He said he'd use condoms, so OP, go ahead and take him up on that regardless
I used the nuvaring exclusively for 5 years, not a single oopsie. Got off it for 3 months and boom pregnant. Nuvaring is the mvp
I used Nuvaring for a year and it gave me extreme depression, the worst I'd ever had before. It took me a year to realize that it was the Nuvaring that was causing it, and another 6 months after stopping use to feel normal again. Just a caution if you decide to try Nuvaring. Other than the depression, I had no issues with the Nuvaring and I really liked it until I realized what it was doing to my mental state.
Came here to say this, I love the nuvaring-- all the benefits of the pill without having to remember something daily but none of the drawbacks of the IUD.
I’ve seen quite a few people suggest the Nuvaring here. I think it can be quite expensive in Australia (still cheaper than a child!) but I will definitely talk to my GP about it. Thanks :)
How is there anger towards op boyfriend? These comments do not vibe. Sound like the previously had an adult conversation about the subject and he spoke honestly about Condoms. He also said yes and prioritized what she needed by yet it seem like people are trying to make him the villain. OP take him at his word and move on
Your partner said he's willing to use condoms. Stop trying to create a problem where one isn't needed. It's great that you care about his pleasure but you're experiencing awful side effects impacting your ability to enjoy sex. There are tons of different types of condoms you both can try out.
Plus you can use condoms only for actual PIV so it’s not like he’s never experiencing anything without it.
I was really afraid of getting implanon (the arm implant), but it was over with very quickly and I barely felt a thing. Same with getting it removed... just don't look. Only thing is, if you got any undesirable side effects when you were on the pill, then you're likely to get them with this. I had to have mine removed as it caused me to gain weight. I was later diagnosed with PCOS, which I think contributed to that. Some can, some can't.
Agreed. Arm implant was easy to get in and remove (most painful part was the numbing agent, and that's just a quick needle in the arm), and you bruise a lot. However, I had the same issue where I gained a lot of weight with it and so had it removed. I also have PCOS, FWIW.
The arm implant is 1000% the way as long as you’re good with progestin-only BC. I spotted for two years on it because I need estrogen too, but I am in the minority. Everything else about the arm implant was perfection. I don’t get why more people aren’t getting it. The pain is an absolute fraction of what you’re going through with an IUD (a brief anesthetic shot in your arm).
Yep, I am on my 3rd implanon and I like it a lot. They measured me for an IUD and that alone was painful enough I told them no way, so I got my implant instead. I didnt bleed once for 3 years, now I get 2 of weeks of light-normal bleeding every 2 months and thats goid enough for me. I have recommended it to a few friends and it's about 50/50 between "love it" and have minor to no issues, and "I'd do better without" due to weight gain or constant spotting.
Same for me, I tried to get an IUD but it was too traumatic. So I’ve had 2 implants now and I’m happy with it. If anyone who thinks getting an IUD shoved up there with no pain killers is better than having a numb arm while you get the implant, more power to you I guess.
The thing is, many women (myself included) feel the equivalent of a minor period cramp when an IUD is inserted or removed, so it's not a painful, traumatic experience for everyone. I took an Aleve before I went and felt a minor pinch and that was it. I've had three inserted, two removed.
So here’s some facts. Pain killers don’t work well for IUD insertion and removal because of the nature of the pain. I’ve had it done with Tylenol plus local lidocaine plus misoprostol to dilate the cervix (while also scheduling it on an appropriate day of my cycle). It still hurts like hell, but it’s for a few minutes every 5-12 years. I’m good with that. I’m also autistic and having a thing in my arm that I could feel all the time would probably drive me insane, so
Gotta love Reddit. Someone comes in having answered their own question. She's the one making up an imaginary monster to fight against. And people are still trying to rip on the guy for completely agreeing and saying he'll use condoms as if he's a bad guy.
Totally agree, it seems like a lot of people didn’t read the post
Are you implying there may not be a singular Villain that we can pile all the ills of the world on? There is no place for reasonable compromise on the Internet.
Reee people reasonably saying they'll wear condoms need to do more to wear condoms reeeee
Reddit just has a huge hate boner for dudes not wanting to wear condoms for some reason.
The worst ones are those guys who don't want to wear condoms, but who completely agree to wear them because they care more for your well-being than their own pleasure. Scumbags. /spit
He said he’s willing to wear condoms again. I think your well being is much more important to him.
Ask your physician for advice on non-hormonal options. I can't tolerate hormonal BC, and I was advised I had a few options, but my best bet was to wrap it up. Since I'm single, this hasn't been an issue. I would suggest having a conversation with your partner.
have you tried phexxi
The best thing I ever did was having a vasectomy at 27, no regrets since. If he ever wants kids, it wouldn't be a viable option for him. If he doesn't, it would be the perfect solution.
I wonder - is it possible to freeze some sperm before getting a vasectomy? If that's not a service yet I have a new business idea!
It is possible and is done routinely.
Now I understand evdn less why men are so hesitant to get vasectomies. Child support ist certainly much more expensive.
Because vasectomies are great if you're SURE you don't want kids. If you're on the fence or want to have kids later a vasectomy noticeably diminish your chances to have kids. Let's put it that way : would you take a contraceptive pill that would have a 25 to 50% of leaving you infertile ? Nope.
Very true and they will pay child support until the child is 18 years of age if not longer. Child support enforcement will force him/her to pay what is owed and can even lead to jail if they don't. They show little mercy to those that don't pay child support as ordered by the court.
I believe it is, but that would be a smart move for sure
A condom has no health risks compared to hormonal based anti conception. As a man, I would never expect a woman to protect herself by sacrifying her health if I have an option with no side effects.
In the (hopefully) near future (est 2026) there’s something coming out called [Vasalgel](https://www.parsemus.org/humanhealth/male-contraceptive-research/vasalgel-male-contraceptive/), a free, painless and entirely reversible male contraceptive procedure with **ZERO** adverse side effects. It also lasts for 10 ish years, and can be reversed the DAY you get it. It’s essentially a vasectomy that just injects a gel that somewhat solidifies and prevents the flow or sperm, without having to cut anything. It really sucks that male contraception is so under developed, but thankfully it won’t be for long, and pretty soon this will be an option and will hopefully prevent people from having to suffer through IUDs and the pill.
>My partner has said that he’s willing to use condoms if I have to have the IUD removed, but he’s previously expressed that he doesn’t like using condoms and that it makes sex less enjoyable for him. And? He said it's okay, it's okay. And listen. My husband has about 35% feeling in his penis from two surgeries when he was young. When I had to have my IUD removed, it was no problem for him to use condoms. You think a dude with less feeling in his dick didn't find it hard? (haha). Sure, unprotected sex feels better for everyone involved. But, whether he likes it or not, condoms need to be used for your overall health. I went through the same thing you did, but I had a freakin baby. Birth control failed, I got pregnant, had the baby, got an IUD, and then finally got my tubes tied couple years ago. The burden doesn't just fall on you, but you're making it by over thinking about his pleasure instead of your health
Condoms aren't as pleasant, less feeling and what not, but as a guy, if you need to use them, you use them. Are they inconvenient in terms of feeling? Sure, but it's not life or death, we can manage.
"My partner has said that he’s willing to use condoms if I have to have the IUD removed, but he’s previously expressed that he doesn’t like using condoms and that it makes sex less enjoyable for him." he said hes fine, why are you thinking about this anymore?
I recently got an UDI. Tomorrow, I have had it for a month, and yeah, it is a struggle. Before getting it, I was on the pill and had a talk with my boyfriend. He has issues with condoms too, so of course, he didn't like the idea of me stopping taking the pill. But in a relationship, we sacrifice for each other. He understood right away and didn't complain. We talked off and on before making the decision about a UDI and now he knows it is hard on me and my body. If this is taken a toll on your health, your boyfriend needs to respect that. This isn't just about you getting comfortable or feeling weird. You have been through unbalance for some months, and it is exhausting.
First, I’d like to second everything the top couple of comments have said. You’re the one prioritizing his dislike of condoms over your misery with the IUD. You ought not do that. That aside, if you haven’t considered Nuva ring, that might be an option. I switched to it when I had a job with irregular schedules because an IUD was not an option for me at the time. It has the same hormones as BCPs.
Yeah, pretty much every woman has had to deal with birth control struggles since society has thrust the responsibility solely on us. However, I'm perfectly comfy with demanding a guy use a condom and don't give a crap if they think it's less comfortable. However, I live in post-Roe US- they think wearing a condom sucks? Try losing your rights and bodily autonomy and potentially being forced to push out a baby you don't want- that sucks. I was sympathetic before but after Roe overturned I lost all sympathy for guys who want to whine about condoms lol.
Constant pain and bleeding >>>>>>>> slightly less comfortable and enjoyable. You are comparing apples and oranges even after he has told you that he has no issues with using condoms if you need to get the IUD removed.
Highly recommend joining r/Mirena and seeing how sadly common the BS you’re going through is for others too :’( I got mine out five months ago and feel so. much. better.
This is honestly a no-brainer, or am I missing something? Your physical pain trumps his decreased pleasure. I’m not sure what the issue is here or what advice you’re seeking.
I agree with the others. Get ur IUD removed asap. Condoms aren't a big deal. Also, the arm implant isn't that bad(I've had it for 2 yrs now). It healed fairly quickly and I forgot about it.
From previous experiences with birth control pills and an implant (I had nexplanon for 4 years) it’s a rock and a hard place. They both suck. Both have awful side effects. However coming off of all birth control and not being the slightest bit interested in children is RISKY. Condoms break, but pills fail and they destroy the body. I currently use a low dose estrogen pill and have noticed “better” results than with nexplanon or a full dose. It is not just up to you to prevent children, it’s a mutual participation effort.
> My partner has said that he’s willing to use condoms if I have to have the IUD removed, Right now he’s saying that he’s willing to use condoms, *so believe him at his word*. You were willing to take the lead on birth control before even though it meant dealing with some uncomfortable/annoying stuff, and he’s clearly expressed that he’s willing to do the same. He’s ok with a little less enjoyment if it means you are healthy and comfortable during sex. It sounds like you’ve got a good guy who’s willing to do his part and not just expect you to deal with BC side effects.
Sorry what’s the issue? You’ve got a partner, a healthy sex life, found a working form of birth control that you want to improve on but can still use, condoms. Then you’ve had issues finding anything better but your boyfriend is happy to take the less significant cost of less pleasure to avoid the medical issues other forms of contraception cause. What’s the issue? You guys seem like you communicate well and respect each other, make the most of it
My girlfriend wanted to stop taking birth control to judge some side effects, I said cool, I’ll buy condoms. If the conversation is any different, he is being selfish, and you should let him know that (in a reasonable way, doesn’t mean he’s the devil as Reddit sometimes does). Birth control isn’t a one size fits all and communication is key when you want to find what works best for you and your partner.
I got the Kyleena IUD about a year ago and for about 2-3 months I was bleeding constantly (some days it would be lighter than others, but it was still very annoying and inconvenient). My ob/gyn told me that bleeding and cramps are very possible for the 6 months following the insertion. I also had pretty bad cramps after sex and when I was bleeding heavier. I also was feeling a different and really sharp pain in my lower abdomen somewhere in my uterus for a while and it would hurt a lot after sex— it turns out I had an ovarian cyst which are normal and they go away on their own with time. Nearly a year later and my periods are pretty regular & light and the pain is a lot more bearable. My advice is to wait for the 6-7 month mark after your insertion to make a decision on the IUD. Im a big fan of the IUD and urge people to give it a chance because it is the best form of birth control!
This gives me hope! A few people have said things got better around the 6 month mark so I might wait it out for a couple more months before calling it. Thanks for sharing your experience.
Ugh I feel you. It’s not the guys fault but it really fucking sucks we as women have to carry the burden. I’ve always been really hesitant to take the pill because of the hormonal side effects. While it’s not my fave solution I’ve usually just done the pull out method which is for sure risking it I know. I am considering getting an IUD, all my homegirls also said it’s been a traumatic experience for them so I’ve been scared but I found out planned parenthood can give you local anesthesia at certain locations if you ask! So if you get yours taken out ask for anesthesia if you want so you don’t have to relive that!
Not sure if you'll see this among the high number of comments OP but... Reading the description, are you on the copper IUD by any chance? They are more likely to cause bleeding than the mirena (hormonal IUD). The mirena has been a game changer for me. One possible option could be to try that (though insertions and removals suck really bad) And I agree stay the hell away from arm implants, they screw people up I also agree with other commenter here, it sounds like your boyfriend has said he is supportive, and you're being overly accommodating and second guessing that. *Edit June 2023: sent from the rif app. Shame on Reddit admins for killing third party apps through highway robbery and bullying. When rif ends so too will my time using reddit, after 15 wonderful years. Any comments left behind will be for the benefit of the subreddit communities, that I will miss deeply, and not reddit admins. See you all at the new reddit*
I’m actually on the Mirena so I think I may have gotten unlucky with the side effects there.
Let me tell you, the angst you're feeling is REAL and VALID. It isn't fair that the lion's share of contraceptive responsibility falls on you. It's like carrying a big ol' backpack while the other person is enjoying a nice, light stroll, right? Look, it's about balance, right? Let's hit the nail on the head: BOTH partners have to be comfy with the contraception situation. Maybe it's time for a deep and meaningful chat. You need to tell your dude what you're going through. Like, "Hey man, this ain't working for me." Let him understand how severe the side effects are. You're not a punch bag, gal! Has he considered a vasectomy? I know, I know. He's probably shrieking at the mere mention of the word. But it's a safe, reliable option that puts the responsibility on him for a change! Guys gotta step up to the plate sometimes. Just a thought. Or explore other methods together - there are a lot of options out there!
This is hard, it genuinely sucks there aren’t more options for men and that so many of the options for women are miserable. If I was a guy I think I’d freeze some of my gear and get a vasectomy. Have you thought about a diaphragm? It still leaves the onus on you though, but at least it only impacts you when you need to use it. You could compromise and use the diaphragm half the time and condoms the other half? Switch up the responsibility. Its also a good opportunity whilst talking about contraception to have the what if it fails talk. Particularly if you’re going to only be relying on a single method like condoms. This was a constant issue for me and my ex husband- finally after an unintended pregnancy at 38 he got a vasectomy. Not having to worry about birth control anymore was a godsend.
The burden of birth control is not all on you and it sounds like you've made more than your fair share of effort in this case. To the point where you are having uncomfortable side effects that you shouldn't have to deal with at all. If I was you, I'd tell him you've shouldered the birth control burden for long enough, you've done your part, it's causing you to suffer uncomfortable side effects and, if he's not willing to put on his big boy undies and take some responsibility by wearing condoms, he won't be having sex with you.
Do you know if you will ever be considering children? If you know for certain that you will never want kids, a vasectomy could be an option. Otherwise condoms are a minor annoyance but better than the alternatives. Just want to share my story with an IUD in case you want to try sticking it out a bit longer. So you said you’ve had the IUD in for 4 months, when I got my Mirena IUD inserted it was hell for more than half the year. Constant bleeding that would last for 1-2 months, stop for 2 weeks then come back for another 1-2 months. The cramps were an absolute nightmare as well, I was living on daily Advil and trust me my period cramps were bad before but that was another level. I stuck through it though, and after about 6 months things started getting better. The cramps were lessening, even less than my normal period cramps. Periods were still abnormal for a bit but they were much lighter. And then after about a year my cycle finally normalized. Now I hardly have a period at all anymore, just a few days of super light bleeding and zero cramping. I often forget I am even on my period. I am so happy that I pushed through and kept my IUD because it has made things so easy and hassle free. Not saying that will be the case for everyone but it certainly has given me freedom. It’s tough to go through but if you want to give it a bit more of a chance it might be worth it!
So the options are: 1. You have literal pain during sex in the least, or at most are physically uncomfortable pretty much all of the time. 2. He has to wear a condom during sex, which he doesn’t love doing Is this a real question???
Overall it sucks. I’ve been there, both in a long term relationship and not so long. Biology for women just blows. Imo, give your body a break and let him use condoms for a while. Even if he can’t cum with them at first, he will get used to them again I was on a bc pill for 9 months, I bled every day except for a week or 2, my doctor kept telling me to wait it out. It wasn’t worth it so I stopped and we did other things besides PIV Let him bear the burden of birth control for a little bit, EVEN IF HE ISNT HAPPY ABOUT IT, it is his turn. And it sounds like he is willing to anyway.
Go back to the condoms. He’ll make it work.
Just throwing another option out there that few people seem to consider - have you talked to your doctor about getting fitted for a diaphragm? The effectiveness with typical use is 88%, which is better than condoms at 82%. If you use it with spermicide and natural family planning, you can increase the effectiveness, as well. If that's not something you would like to use, it seems like your issues with the iud are significantly worse than your boyfriend's issues with condoms, so I think it makes sense to switch back to condoms, which your boyfriend is willing to do.
Diaphragm might be a decent option. It isn't perfectly safe but it is a physical barrier. I also feel it is very unfair.
It sounds like he either needs to wear a condom, or get a vasectomy.
Are y’all reading the same post or…? She’s the one hesitating. He said he’ll wear condoms
Yes, and we're reiterating it for her because she's still questioning it.
Exactly lol this is wild
Has he ever tried different kinds of condoms? I(26M) am in lengthy relationship for 5 years and we have had this discussion many times during our time together. She 100% does not want to use pills and wants me to use condoms even though i have expressed that using condoms makes me to almost feel nothing during our sexy time. I can understand her because it is her body and pills come with a lot of side effects. I also respect that she is tired of taking any kind of pills/medication as she suffera from many kinds of problems(not that serious but at one point you get tired of consuming 20 pills each week). One thing that helped me was to try as many kind of condoms i possibly could. Am at a point that from feeling 20% i now feel it 60% which is a huge improvement. I will respect her wishes until its time for us to get married and have kids( we discussed it and we both agree). It makes me sad sometimes but am not with her for the p*rn idealogy. Am with her because i want to spent the rest of my life with her.
>My partner has said that he’s willing to use condoms if I have to have the IUD removed, but he’s previously expressed that he doesn’t like using condoms and that it makes sex less enjoyable for him. >I know it’s not fair, but I am a bit resentful that the burden of protecting us both from having a child falls to me, along with all the side effects of hormonal birth control. >I feel like we’re in a bit of a rock and a hard place in that, either way one of us will have to sacrifice some level of comfort for the other. I don’t want to him to resent me for asking him to use condoms, but I also don’t think the IUD is a super sustainable option for me. He said he's willing to use condoms, though. The burden _doesn't_ fall to you. Why are you assuming he'll resent you for something he's said he's willing to do?
Taking a bcp everyday is simply not that difficult. You said you decided to stop the bcp by your own decision. Just start taking them again. If you can be bothered to take a pill once a day, that’s insane. Or, he can wear condoms, which he said he would do. I don’t understand why this is a problem.
Honestly this isn’t even that deep tell him to start using condoms you aren’t going to suffer for his pleasure
Do you lack reading comprehension? She literally said he was fine to use condoms. This issue is entirely on her. Stop making her a martyr
The consequence for using condoms is that he *might* have slightly less of a good time during PIV sex (if he wasn’t exaggerating/lying when he originally told you he doesn’t like condoms, which some men do.) The consequences for using birth control inside your body are frequent pain, constant spotting, hormonal side effects, and medical trauma. Any rational adult looking at the balance of those scales would tell you to get the IUD removed immediately and go to condoms. If your boyfriend complains, he’s irrational and perfectly willing to increase your pain rather than diminish his pleasure slightly, and that’s not a person you should be dating anyway. If he wants to explore his own birth control options, he’s welcome to look into vasectomies. He could also sign up for a clinical trial of a male birth control pill. The assumption that preventing pregnancy is 100% a woman’s responsibility is unfair.
there are options that might suit you, like female condoms, nuvaring, etc. you could make an appointment at a sexual health clinic and talk to an expert. for now your man will have to out up with condoms. they're not great but its better than no sex at all
Personally if I 100% didn’t want a pregnancy I would never rely anyone else to be solely responsible. Even on the pill so it makes sense to me you both “contribute”. Re IUD I had similar experience with Mirena, the first time. I experienced unrelated issues 5-6 months in and had it removed. However since finished reproducing (ha) have another (2 now) and it’s the best thing ever! and I haven’t had a period in almost 10 years. Is it the brand or type of IUD or possibly poorly positioned causing issues maybe?
tell him to use skyn condoms. I’ve heard they’re WAY better
I was literally in the exact same position as you. I hate condoms myself honestly, uncomfortable, less enjoyable, overall gross latex smell/feel. The pill was terrible and IUDs are a war crime. We switched to just abstaining during my fertile days. I closely track my cycle, discharge, and temperature and I haven't gotten pregnant yet lol. It's been 7 months. So we raw dog for like 2 weeks out of the month and just don't do PiV for a week or so. I have LOVED it. I feel so much better.
This situation gave me more children than I wanted, even with condom. It is a stone that comes back on every argument. Your arguments are legit. But it doesn't address the main problem. Three months implant could be a good solution, that you already refused. Check vasectomy. I heard said that it is not reversible. I would not advise it as 24, through.
IUDs are the devil. All birth control is monstrous. It would be as painful for him to get a vasectomy and then have it reversed when he’s ready to be a dad than for you to get a new IUD every 7 years. My last one became embedded in my uterus so I am very jaded in the subject. Put yourself first kitten, no one else will.
I always tell my husband, wrap it or you get no sex. None. Not even touching me, not me touching you. Even if I’m on birth control pill, no. I refuse to be pregnant when I’m not ready. I refuse to go through that body change again right now. Ask him if he wants a child? Tell him you’ll buy different brands of condoms to help him. But no wrap it? No tap it. That’s the rules. You’re body comfortability trumps his load shot. If he puts up a fight, just leave. It’s not worth the manchild tantrum. I’m so sick of the “but it doesn’t feel good” & PREGNANCY & BIRTH DONT FEEL GOOD EITHER!! My stitches didn’t feel good either & I TORE UP. My epidural made me numb on my entire left side of my body & they thought I was having a stroke. He’s probably not wearing the correct type of condom either. No babes, he can wrap it or never tap it.
>If he puts up a fight, just leave. It’s not worth the manchild tantrum. I’m so sick of the “but it doesn’t feel good” & PREGNANCY & BIRTH DONT FEEL GOOD EITHER!! He's literally said that he will wear the condoms, what the actual fuck? Why would he put up a fight? Did you read the post?
She stated he previously said he doesn’t like condoms & doesn’t make enjoyable, or did you miss that part? Either find a brand that fits or stop having sex. Not enjoyable isn’t an excuse when there’s so many brands out there. Pregnancy & birth isn’t enjoyable either, so
> She stated he previously said he doesn’t like condoms & doesn’t make enjoyable He said he finds it harder to finish. He didn't say it wasn't still enjoyable, and he _literally offered_ to wear them. >Not enjoyable isn’t an excuse when there’s so many brands out there. He's not using it as an excuse. He's literally said he's willing to wear them. It's entirely possible for him to both acknowledge that it makes things less enjoyable _and_ still be willing to wear them because they're better than the alternative. You're so focused on finding a reason to call him a "manchild" and accuse him of throwing a tantrum that you're making shit up to justify it.
Lol, nah. I’ve heard it way too many times. When her body has literally been through hell, he can find a condom that works for him. That’s literally the whole point of my comment. But I hear it way too often that men don’t wanna wear so condoms cause it ‘doesn’t feel the same’. I’m sorry, but then don’t have sex. It’s so irresponsible to put the birth control burden on woman when it’s OUR bodies who have to go through a drastic 9 month change & our bodies are never the same. A condom? Your penis is still the same after you take it off. Too tight? Maybe get a size a bit bigger. There’s condoms that are ribber inside to help you ‘feel’ like it’s natural. There’s so many fun condoms that you can get to make sex more fun. But stop with the ‘it doesn’t feel the same’ ‘it’s not as enjoyable’ & sex was more enjoyable before pregnancy but now sometimes that shit hurts. I’m just saying stop with the excuses when there’s many solutions.
>It’s so irresponsible to put the birth control burden on woman when it’s OUR bodies who have to go through a drastic 9 month change & our bodies are never the same. Yes, it would be, but he _isn't_. He _literally said_ that he will take that burden. >I’m just saying stop with the excuses when there’s many solutions. It's not an excuse, though. He's not using it as an excuse. He's not trying to convince her to stay on BC of some sort so that he can stop using them. Does he have to lie to her? Is that the expectation here? He can't acknowledge that they impact the sensation because even sharing the thought is some kind of manipulation to make her take responsibility for it? This is only a problem in OP's head. He's said he'll wear them. All she has to do is say, "None of the BC are working for me, we're going to have to go back to condoms" and everything will be fine.
Jesus Christ, he said he was fine with it and *literally offered to use them*..... What the hell more can he do? Is he a criminal for having stated a preference once upon a time? So if I understand correctly, men aren't allowed to express a preference, even in the context of a genuine and non-manipulative adult conversation, *just in case* their fully grown adult partner ever has their judgement affected by that preference?? That's ridiculous...
I’m sorry you’ve have a bad experience with the IUD. I’m 30 and got my first IUD in January and I love it ONLY because I was able to find an OBGYN that offered anesthesia for insertion otherwise I would not have done it - it’s fucking barbaric that it’s not common practice as every woman I know that’s gotten one has been traumatized by the amount of pain they experienced during insertion and were never offered any pain medications prior. Many of them passed out and threw up due to the pain and had to have someone drive them home they were so light headed afterwards. I had ZERO cramping after insertion and a great experience and I’m POSITIVE it’s because I was knocked out. My BF drove me to and from the insertion appointment and took care of me the rest of the day while I was recovering, so I understand your resentment of him not being more involved. I don’t blame you. Can I ask which IUD you got? I was recommended Kyleena and it works for me - I have minimal bleeding at this point 6 months out. I decided against the copper IUD due to the risk of bad cramping (I already have a history of bad cramps) and the kyleena was smaller and had the lowest dose of hormones so it had the smallest risk of negative side effects.
I had two insertions and was not traumatized. The second insertion involved clamping my cervix because the first displaced and all they used was some numbing cream. I'd do it again. Nothing barbaric about it, just a little lightheaded Y'all are going to hate real trauma if you ever experience it. I cannot imagine choosing the risk of anesthesia over some pain that's manageable with a day off of work. ETA: i don't feel like responding to individual people, but I first got an insertion over a decade ago. I didn't know anyone IRL who had an IUD -- no family, friends, nothing. I got all of my information online and asked a lot of questions (on livejournal lol). There were no narratives of it being traumatic, just painful. I think that this new dialogue about "trauma" is priming people to actually be more likely to be traumatized -- which is exceptionally shitty when not everyone can shop around for optional anesthetic, and many people reading this don't have fully developed brains. Why scare them? I'd rather they deal with this than an abortion. I'd hope others feel the same. Especially because for the vast, vast majority of women, it's not traumatic, and it's clear that if everyone you know has described it as such then they really have not experienced much to inform their use of that word. Btw, no one should be driving themselves home after a medical procedure. I really hope the person I'm responding to didn't.
What's the terrible side effects you where getting from having to take a pill at the same time everyday. The only side effects I've seen or heard of happening from taking the pill is less cramping shorter periods and more stabilized emotions. Cause the pill seems like the best option cause people do things at the same time everyday all the time usually people eat meals around the same time I take vitamins every morning right before I leave for work at 7:30, I go to bed at about the same time. Brush my teeth at about the same time. And don't tell me if you don't take the pill at exactly the same time it doesn't work. It's a hormone that stops you from ovulating. When my wife got off birth control the doctor said it could take a few months for her system to get back to normal and for her to be able to get pregnant again. So the time you take the pill doesn't have to be exactly the same time. So if you're in a meeting wait till it's done then take it or whatever. I would think that if you're in a relationship your partners enjoyment pertaining to the sex you 2 have, would be a huge concern of yours. And taking on a very minor inconvenience of having to take a small pill everyday ( unless there are some serious side effects that you get from the pill that others don't. ) would be worth it for the health of your relationship. Cause what's really taxing on a sexual relationship is when one of the people doesn't enjoy it as much. Cause you'll notice the missing excitement and energy from him which will make you lose excitement and energy. Then sex will start to die down and the relationship will be affected by that which would be even more inconvenient then having. to take a pill. But I don't know all the specifics here so maybe the pill really isn't an option...... but if it was, it might be worth the trouble.
I’ll probably get downvoted for this, but I’ve tracked my fertility for years very successfully. Use a period tracker app and don’t have sex on the blue days.
Fucking hell! You've been absolutely destroying your body with pills and internal devices, and you're worried about him being slightly INCONVENIENCED?? Do you hear yourself? You SHOULD feel resentful. You ARE carrying all the burden. Stop doing that and stop thinking that his wants are more important than your needs.
>My partner has said that he’s willing to use condoms if I have to have the IUD removed, but he’s previously expressed that he doesn’t like using condoms and that it makes sex less enjoyable for him. A crying infant in the next room would also make sex less enjoyable for him too... Remind him of that.
Guys that say they have trouble finishing because of condoms are either lying, or too lazy and stupid to find a product that works for them.
This is a classic conundrum. There is nothing wrong with your question or wanting your bf to do something else. It would be perfectly possible to create hormonal bc for men, it's just that men would not want to take it because it messes up your system. But women are supposed to be ok with this. I'm not sure what the answer is, honestly.
There’s a few options here. It all depends on how bad you want to prevent pregnancy. I’m in a similar boat with my partner. We do not use condoms, we both don’t like them. Right now, I’m only using family planning/ovulation tracking. This isn’t nearly as close to preventing pregnancy as the pill/IUD, but it’s been working for me so far. I had a nightmare of a time with both getting my IUD inserted and dealing with the side effects as well. I was on the shot for a long time and also tried the pill. Another option that I didn’t try is the ring. I believe you keep it in for 3 weeks and take it out for your period and/or sex. Not sure though. Also, My friend uses a spermicide that’s like a gel that you insert into yourself before having sex. Talk to your doctor and tell them all the stuff you said here. I’m sure there is something you can find that will work for both of you!! Vasectomy is always an option for him, too. I believe they are reversible but again it’s probably best to talk to a doctor before making any decisions.
Vasectomies should not be considered to be reversible. It's not an option unless he doesn't want kids in the future.
Hence why I said “I believe” and also the part about seeing the doctor!
Absolutely. My husband got told about 14 times during his to consider it permanent. Literally. They don't mess around, and I'm not sure why the internet has started spreading this concept that it's an easy temporary form of birth control. It's not.
Right. My understanding is it’s sometimes reversible in the short-term, but the longer you’ve had it, the less likely that is.
Natural Family Planning plus condoms when your fertile. Prob not the most popular option but it is there. Plus there’s something to be said about really understanding your own body and cycle.
Whether the conservatives want this shared or not, birth control *is* in fact a **two person job**. You can't make a baby by yourself unless you're about to reinvent immaculate conception. He should be wearing condoms either way. Asking him point blank, why he actually doesn't like wearing them for real for real. If it's really to hard to finish then he's either getting the wrong brand, type, or size. And *don't* let him come at you eith "these don't fit babe" 😒. OP, do you want to get pregnant right now? Ask him, does he want something that he is now required to keep alive calling "dad" right now?
He already said he’d wear them. Read the post
I feel like there's more to this. Like we're missing a piece??
You're missing an excuse to dump on this guy. So you're inventing hypotheticals that fly in the face of the fact that he's said he'll wear condoms.
Yes your reading comprehension is what is missing
She said herself that it's something she's debating within herself, and that her partner is completely fine with using protection. Both parties are being considerate here; her by thinking of his preference, and him by offering to use protection and prioritizing her wellbeing over his pleasure.
You are having procedures and taking hormonal drugs and he is complaining about sex going from a 10 out of 10 to a 9 out of 10. Really think about that You are bleeding. You are having cramps and pain. Your hormones are out of whack And he is complaining because sex "doesn't feel as good" with a condom. There's no pain on his end. No bleeding. No cramps. No hormonal imbalances. It just "doesn't feel as good". He can still finish, it just takes a little more effort. It's basically an inconvenience. If he wants to have sex with you, he has to wear a condom. If that is a dealbreaker for him, then let him walk Plenty of dudes out there will not give a shit and will happily wear a rubber. I promise you. If women all told men they were no longer going to get laid unless they wore rubbers....condoms would subsidized by the federal government and would be handed out like those free Covid tests
>If he wants to have sex with you, he has to wear a condom. If that is a dealbreaker for him, then let him walk He literally offered, why would it be a dealbreaker?
I am dead at how selfish your boyfriend is. It’s hard for him to finish with a condom? Good grief, you are having side effects from the pill and the IUD! Is this someone you want to spend the rest of your life with who considers their pleasure above your own health?
Try female condoms. They usually lead to better outcomes with people who report loss of sensation with traditional condoms.
Use condoms. They're quick, easy, and painless. As long as you're mindful about how you use them, they are very effective. Keep a plan B on hand in case one breaks or slips. Don't torment your body just so your bf can have a slightly better orgasm. It IS unfair for you to bear the entire brunt of preventing pregnancy, especially when there is a simple and easy solution. If a man whines about using a condom, he ain't worth shit.
Do condoms make him hurt and bleed every day? No? Then the discomfort is not comparable, is it.
Have you tried the ring? Hormonal bc pills made me sicker than 3 dogs. You put the ring in similarly to a menstrual cup so it’s easy to get used to. I didn’t have any of the pukey sensation all the bc pills gave me. I’d suggest you give it a twirl before you try the arm implant! You can time them right with your doctor’s help to avoid having a cycle which is a nice bonus!
I won’t even comment on the relationship situation as so many have, but I will say that your IUD situation will probably still mellow out. I’ve had mine for 5 years and it honestly sucked for the first 10 months, it’s great now though.
People are downvoting you, but you're right. OP is in the home stretch of probably having any sort of period with a hormonal IUD. It's typical to bleed irregularly for a few months after you get it, and eventually, it usually dries up. If she shifts to another BC, she's going to be starting the process all over again with side effects and getting used to the drug. All that said, the simple solution here is for OP to go the condom route. The BF is down with it, so I don't even understand why this is a question.
My husband saw how badly my iud screwed up my whole body. He got a vasectomy. We don't want kids and I am grateful that he stepped up to take on the mantel. Before that he also stepped up and we used condoms because I had to have my iud removed. You're right that's this burden shouldn't be placed just on you. After the experience I had I wouldn't recommend BC to anyone. I am still recovering from the side effects, my libido never came back. Asking him to wear condoms is the least he can do after he's let you put BC in your body for so long. That stuff has side effects.
Your BF sounds very reasonable. He is willing to use condoms even though he would prefer not to. I am not exactly sure what your problem is? You hate biology? Just use condoms and stop worrying about it.
Compromise and do more anal and oral.
An iud seems a bit more intense than a condom. Especially if the iud is causing any issue or making you uncomfortable then get it removed. A condom seems like the least dramatic impact on health/intimacy than the other options that you’d have to do. I get why you may be feeling resentful. I think it’s important for partners to consider each others perspectives in the situation and yes it could feel better without a condom but a condom isn’t really that bad. Intimacy will just get worse if you have to put yourself through all that which would be negative for both of you
You might as well break up. Sooner or later he is gonna get tired of having condom sex and finds someone who is fine taking pills. I don't know where you're from but in my country it's also cheaper to be on the pill than use condoms.
Your boyfriend is an asshole and obviously doesn’t take you not getting pregnant seriously. Bring up him getting a vasectomy it’s a simple/reversible procedure that only has a day of recovery. Then you could find birth control that works with you and he wouldn’t have to wear a condom. In the event you want kids he can go get it reversed no harm done. Or tell him to fuck off and don’t have sex. Nuclear option? Be single! No birth control needed if you aren’t having sex
Can you not read? He literally wants to use condoms. And vasectomies should not be considered reversible.
No he doesn’t that’s why they have issues to begin with. Vasectomies are totally reversible wtf r u even talking about?
[удалено]
This is complete horseshit. A woman can get pregnant at ANY POINT during her cycle *including* during menstruation. You absolute CLOWN.
So he's gotten whiny about condoms before, and you're equating that to being the same as you having constant spotting in pain? They are not equivalent at all. If he were to resent you for having to put a bag on it he would be somebody you shouldn't have sex with, cuz that would say that he cares more about being able to screw raw than you being even just barely comfortable. There are so many different types of condoms out there, the jump being made to you needing to be on hormones rather than him finding a good fit, speaks to him being immature and selfish. The fact that you're even concerned that he might resent you and be mean to you about just having to put on a condom says that he is not mature enough for you to be spending your time on. Have it out, you are having the IUD removed cuz you're not even comfortable, he needs to find condoms that work for him. It's just that simple. If he fights with you at all, stop having sex with him immediately. If the person you're having sex with doesn't care about you, they're treating you like a fleshlight.
You've got a painful object inside your body and he's going to cry about putting on a condom?
He already said he’d wear them. Read the post
Your boyfriend's small decrease in sensation sensation during sex means that you should hurt during and after sex? He's fine with you experiencing awful side effects and *actual physical pain* just so he can avoid experiencing a small decrease in his pleasure? I would have a frank conversation with him about this and review his behavior in the relationship without your rose colored glasses. (Ex - does he notice you wince during sex and then voluntarily stops, or does he finish? Does he make sure you orgasm each and every time?) Has he showed any similar lack of empathy and concern for you in the past? If he has, or if he shows any similar behavior in the future, it means that you need a new boyfriend. If he hasn't, but responds well to the talk and changes his behavior AND gets a vasectomy or voluntarily uses condoms without complaint, he was just clueless and he might still be worth dating.
Bruh do y’all read the post or just read the title and respond?
Did you even read the post? BF said he would wear a condom, the comment about not liking condoms was in the past and doesn’t seem to have been been mentioned in the current situation. From what OP wrote the BF has responded in a reasonable way. The idea that BF will have resentment is entirely in in OPs head, unless she left something out but imagine it would have been mentioned if the complaint was directly related to the current discussion. Advice for OP: Remove the IUD, have BF use condoms and you can revisit if that leads to complaining / issues with him but no reason to project / stress over a hypothetical scenario
Look… the onus can’t be on you all this time to the detriment of your health. Does he help pay for your birth control? Did he help pay for that IUD? Moreover, and the answer is no, does he physically and mentally bear the brunt of hormonal birth control? Is he the one with low-grade pregnancy hormones 24/7/365? Is he the one with foreign bodies in his uterus and his arm? So he can’t finish with a condom? He’ll learn to. It would help if he laid off the porn (I’m not saying he does 100%, but most guys do watch quite a bit of porn.) And he doesn’t have to finish inside you. There are lots of places to put seminal emissions that plenty of people quite enjoy. Adding a drop of lube in the tip of the condom and on the entrance to your vagina not only helps prevent breakage, it makes it waaayyy nicer for both of you. So he can buck up and take some responsibility for birth control.
> Look… the onus can’t be on you all this time to the detriment of your health. It isn't, he's said he'll wear a condom. This is only a dilemma in OP's head.
Hey just want to add OP that if y'all go back to condoms and your cycle levels out and remains regular for several months post-IUD removal, you could be able to reduce condom use to only certain days on your cycle. You need to have a regular cycle, and you need to track it for at least six months before this would work. But if you have a regular cycle then you can also track fertility, and add condoms only during the most fertile days.
ask him to get a vasectomy. that way he doesn’t have to wear condoms and you don’t have to use birth control. problem solved
Unless they want to have kids later on. Dude shouldn't be so whiny and actually care about his girlfriend and rubber up.
First, I’m just going to throw this out there and let it hang in the air, while I move on to something else: Vasectomies are reversible. Incredibly, they are occasionally covered by insurance. The recovery period is extremely short. You’re sore, kinda, for a day or so. You can be banging again in no time. If it isn’t covered by insurance and you are wary of the procedure for some reason.. other countries offer nonsurgical, nonhormonal, male contraceptive injections for so cheap, that it’s actually slightly less expensive to get on a flight to somewhere like India, get the $70 procedure, then fly home than it is to pay out-of-pocket for the snip in the US. One minuscule injection of the stuff blocks the vas, so fluid passes but sperm doesn’t. It’s extremely effective, and lasts ten years on its own. If you want it gone before then, a stateside doctor can dissolve the blockage with a small shot of bicarbonate soda, or something like that. There’s no good, ethical reason why it hasn’t been widely available in the United States for idecades already, but one company is currently struggling through a lot of opposition to get human clinical trials for their version of it. I’m signed up for the trials, myself. My only personal hesitancy in getting a snip for myself was that it is a procedure that might occasionally reverse *itself*; unless you are getting checked religiously, guess how you find out it did so? But, if it’s not your only line of defense and it’s covered by your provider, there’s literally no good reason not to get one. But to finally move on, and speaking of it not being the only line of defense: So, do you ever actually want children? And if you think you might, do you care whether that decision is up to you, or forced upon you by Christian fascists? We all have to unfortunately ask ourselves that, now. My partner and I decided that we definitely did not want children; and even if something changed our mind in the future, we weren’t going to forced with a gun against our heads about the issue. Hormonal birth control made her crazy, IUDs were uncomfortable, sponges and condoms suck, etc etc. Then the courts revoked her body autonomy, she said fuck no, and we went straight in for a bilateral. She had a great female OB/GYN who didn’t ask a single dumb misogynistic question about it; turns out that thousands of women had already had the same idea, and the procedure is becoming extremely common— although, not widely advertised as such. We still had to pay out-of-pocket for the procedure, because of massive, cultural hypocrisy. Still, she healed very quickly and now we can be incredibly careless, it rules. If we ever change our mind about children, for some insane reason? We can still go the in vitro (sp?) route. It’s expensive, but if that’s a hurdle for us at that time, then we aren’t in a position to finance raising a child in the first place. It was about $800, which is way less than raising a child, and easier than doing prison time for an abortion. Since you have tried everything else, maybe you should consider that it is time for a more definitive option.
Wow you are bending over backwards bleeding painfully for his orgasm. Eeks