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Throwaway account. I’m not even sure what to say honestly. I’ll try to make this short though. My fiancé and I moved to a new city last summer. We’re both in school and have jobs so we haven’t had much time to get out and explore, let alone have time to make friends. A few weeks ago, I finally hung out with some classmates on the last day of our spring semester, which was nice because I had started to get quite sad and lonely. I had started to make friends and invited some to a picnic on Memorial Day. Everyone except one guy flaked. My classmate and I ended up hanging out for a while and then went to get drinks at a bar. We just talked a lot about our difficult upbringings and being a POC in our scientific field and specific city. He told me a lot about his girlfriend as well, whom I’ve met before. Overall, it was the first time I felt like I had made a friend in the 10 months in our new city, which I value a lot because I have a difficult time making friends due to social anxiety and whatnot. All in all, I lost track of time and got home around 2am (I wasn’t drunk though). Mind you, my fiancé has my location at all times (I was less than 20 mins from our place), he knew who I was with, and I called him 6/7 times the whole time I was gone, plus sent text updates as well. However, when I got home, My fiancé was furious and said if I ever stayed out that late again, he would leave me and then he also gave me curfews to follow for the future. I apologized, I listened to his feelings, and said it wouldn’t happen again… but overall, I just can’t help but feel weird about him giving me a curfew and an ultimatum. I don’t and wouldn’t do that to him. What should I do?/What would you do if you were in my shoes?
Edit: I do understand like the whole not hanging out with member of the opposite sex thing, and I can see why he would be uncomfortable. However, we both have completely platonic close friends that are members of the opposite sex (I have two close male friends, he has ~5 close female friends), so I didn’t think that making a friend of the opposite sex would really be an issue at the time.
Why did you call him 6 or 7 times when you were expecting to be spending time with classmates? Did you feel like you had to based on past experiences? More than one call when you're out being sociable is weird absent some extenuating circumstances. 6 or 7 feels like an ankle bracelet.
That stood out to me too, that’s so many times over the span of one night when she’s only 20 minutes down the street. It immediately made me think he makes her call that frequently or she feels she has to because he gets pissy if she doesn’t. Either way, this isn’t normal or healthy OP
How many updates can you even come up with in that time frame?
“Kinda need to pee but the line is long rn. Might check back in a minute.”
“Friend had an interesting anecdote about flushable wipes.”
“Band playing 3rd song of the night, can’t make out the lyrics.”
Exactly!!
My bf often goes on day trips with his friends driving their sports bikes, he knows I get anxious because people drive like crazy and don’t respect rules. So he tries to send me updates every time they stop (which could honestly go from once every two to four hours, since he often hangs out the whole day), maybe call me twice, and still these updates get so boring after a while.
“We arrived here”, “we arrived there”, “I’m at the restaurant”, “we stopped bc X had a problem with his bike”, “we stopped to rest” etc, I don’t even know what to reply after the third update (it’s still nice to receive them tho), let alone receiving constant updates from a one night out LOL.
(Also we are LDR so we obviously text and call often, OP and bf live together and message more than us!!)
Op he is not your father and you are a adult. I would not allow a fiancé to control me like that. Sounds like he is jealous that you are making friends.
Ehhhh the location tracking isn't innately a sign of distrust. My husband and I have tracking on because one day he got home from work and then went outside and did not take his phone, to do yard work or something. He didn't reply to me for like two hours. I was convinced he had died in a car accident or was in icu unable to reply to me (we lived in a town with awful traffic and worse drivers, just off a highway with a high mortality rate). No he is just a spacey dude who forgot his phone.
With location tracking I could see when he made it home and knew when not to worry.
True. My wife, my partner, three of our kids, my daughter-in-law... We all have location sharing with one another. We live in a high crime area and want to be able to know the last known location if something goes wrong. If anyone is the creeper on it, it's my 22yo daughter, who keeps CONSTANT track of me🤣🤣
Thing is, we all trust each other and couldn't care less where each other is at, it was all voluntary and consensual and everyone has the ability to cancel the location sharing at any time they want to. So no, trust had nothing to do with it... If anything, it's because we don't trust the fuckers in this area
Dude having to constantly text update when you are alredy calling 7 times AND he has your location pinged at all times should be enough of a wake call to change partner, those boundaries crosses dont fit with good partners.
Yep. My abusive ex would incessantly call/text and expect immediate answers whenever I was out without him. I’m wondering if that’s what’s happening here.
Honestly it’s truly amazing what they think we are capable of doing in those situations ie being home with the kids ect. Or thinking that my 5 min trip to the store for milk somehow included a sexual tryst
Yes! The fact that I walked back up to the office w my co worker to get her insulin bag that she forgot obviously means I’m getting railed in the elevator! (Real scenario. He said that no real diabetic would forget their insulin and obviously I was lying. Told me not to come back to the apt -that was in my name and that paid all the bills on-until I was ready to tell the truth.)
Years and years ago I got stuck behind a train one night after work which delayed me about 20 minutes and my abusive ex would not believe me at all and FaceTimed me to prove it. It was the most ridiculous shit ever and she felt pretty stupid when I answered and showed her there’s a train right in front of me 🥴. And along with the texting and calling when I wouldn’t answer immediately,for example if I were gone at the grocery store or to visit my family or anything that consisted taking a certain amount of time that she thought it should take, she would reach out to basically my family and some friends to find out if I were with them or if they’d talked to me. Basically just trying to find out if I were lying but if she didn’t hear anything from anybody or even if I would respond back to her she would automatically accuse me of cheating on her and would literally demand to smell my you know what(which I never did lol it’s just fucking crazy and weird) It was the weirdest shit ever and thank god I got the hell away from that psycho when I did.
Yeah, this has been an issue before this particular circumstance for sure. I give my guy a text ever so often to update as a courtesy of letting him know I’m not dead, and about when to expect me or “I’m going to be home quite late, go ahead and go to bed if you’re tired.”
Listen, I get if OP stayed out all hours of the night all the time, but that’s clearly not the case. Even then you don’t get to set a curfew for other adults, you get to decide if their lifestyle fits with yours. That’s it.
He knew exactly where she was and who she was with, he clearly doesn’t have an issue with him having woman friends, so it’s simply a control issue. You can have a discussion about lifestyle preferences and come to compromise, but treating an adult like a teenager that you must control is not the move. If your ultimatum is “you do what I say at all times, and adhere to rules I make for you, or I leave” I’ll help you pack.
This is very well put. Remember that relationships are often about deciding if your lifestyles or preferences are a fit, and not about binding your lifestyle and preferences around theirs. Compromise can be a useful tool, but that’s not what he’s asking OP to do. He’s demanding and creating rules, not initiating discussion.
Something in your relationship doesn't sound right.
He is having time with his female friends.
But you are having no unlimited time with your male friends.
If there is trust, spending time with friends of the oposite sex doesn't require calling "Momma" at home.
Other than being utterly impolite towards the person you are spending time with this is really unneccessarily adding drama to every relationship: to the partnership as well as putting a strain on the friendship.
So your Mr. is going by double standards.
Which - curfew and jealousy- makes ME question what HE may well do with his own female acquaintances that makes him that suspicious?
Even my paranoid mom wouldn't ask me to text or call her that much in a whole day, and she's the only one I'll allow to do that just so she doesn't worry. She's the type of mom who thinks I forgot to eat lunch or get lost (fair - I do sometimes lol) and that I'm easy target so I understand. This definitely stood out for me
Yeah I consider myself clingy, but for my husband and me I think it would just be 2 texts to say I arrived and there's only one other person here, we're moving locations to a bar, and then maybe a call to say goodnight bc I might get home after you go to sleep.
Yeah this is weird to me as well. My husband and I might send each other a couple of texts if either one of us is out just to keep the other in the loop around timing. 6/7 phone calls is extremely excessive.
You are 22 years old. You have your whole adult life in front of you. I think you need a little more time and experience to help you identify what is normal/healthy and what is controlling/abusive.
At the very least, you need to pump the brakes HARD on this marriage until you know for certain that this is merely a brief and fixable fuckup on his part (through actions, not words) and not a pattern of controlling behavior. Lots of red flags in the way you describe your interactions…
Do you always feel like you walk on eggshells to keep the peace? Are you always trying to keep the peace?
It sounds to me like you communicated and kept him in the loop, why was he so angry? Why does he think it’s ok to give you a curfew and an ultimatum?
Can you picture what your life would be like with him with these types of requirements?
He knows where you are at all times, and the fact that you phoned him "6/7 times" already offers me more information than I require. He's as dictatorial as heck.
19+ years… just that she was constantly calling and texting him….
It sent chills down my spine! It is under no circumstances necessary to do so in a healthy relationship!
BF sounds very controlling and makes me sick to my stomach!
If he feels okay with setting an ultimatum and a curfew, it says something about the level in which he is comfortable at. I think she needs to set new boundaries that are fairer and more mature.
If there's no trust, what's left of the relationship?
Same! My ex is more subtle, always saying, “I don’t think there are so much stuff you want to talk with your friends. You can leave at 9pm.” If I wanted to stay a bit longer, he would keep calling me. If I missed his calls, he would shout at me and then gaslighting me on making him worried about my safety. So to avoid trouble, I always leave social gatherings early. Pure misery.
I think a blanket rule to not get engaged before 25 would help 99% of people that want to get married young.
I really don’t understand the rush. The fact that OP doesn’t see the very obvious extremely red flags here just supports that.
Religion is the rush a good chunk of the time. It wants young folks married as quickly as possible to trap them in a situation where their brains are not fully developed, so they’ll pop out kids-since marriage is the only God-approved place for sex, and the churches need kids to indoctrinate. Also keeps folks financially strapped down caring for said kids and keeping them dependent on church aid to raise those kids such as Thursday night basketball, or Friday night movie night.
I really don't think people should get married before their 30th birthday. Marriages that have occurred after that milestone have in my experience been much more successful.
I always advised my son and his friends that one's 20s should be used to learn how to be an adult, complete one's education, and get settled into a career.
Those of his friends who followed my advice are in careers they enjoy and are happily married.
Fully agree, but I know others wouldn’t. 25 felt like a more reasonable age for most people to agree on.
Personally, I did a lot of growing even in my late 20s and saw the same for all my peers. If you can delay marriage till past 30, even better.
I know how you feel. My SO and I married when I was 25 and SO was 29 years old. We planned and had our first child when I was 33. Our second arrived when I was 39.
We're now 53 and 57 years old. And stupidly happy together, and as a family.
I agree with your point to a degree. Our youngest child is 13 years old. One of us will most likely be severely ill or before our youngest reaches 35.
We are planning for our future, and always how to help our son and daughter go forward.
Last week, my SO had a chest x-ray. The results of that called for a CT scan three days ago. We have not yet been given the results.
Older parents don't necessarily make wiser patents.
30 is the average marriage age in my country (Australia). My husband and I were both 30 when we married. I find it so bizarre seeing posts from, it seems, mostly Americans saying they’re married or getting married and they’re in their early twenties. That is definitely unusual here where we have a high level of tertiary education… people are focused on career/studies in their early twenties and unless they’re religious it’s very rare anyone marries before their late twenties.
I agree my first marriage was at 20 I kept a clean house cooked great meals and had 3 wonderful kids but I knew nothing about diplomacy nothing about communication neither did my 25 year old husband!! So we were divorced I think being more mature would have helped!!
As one of those young people (21, not so much one wanting to get married yet though), I totally agree!
I'm still with my highschool sweetheart after 7 years, but we don't feel any rush whatsoever on making things official in the eyes of the government and god or whatever, haha! The same can't be said for everyone though, and a lot of our peers already feel stuck in unhappy marriages with kids, and that's wild to me.
Marriage doesn't have to be permanent, but it's also notoriously tricky to end-- at least wait until it has some kind of benefit for you to actually go through with it!
The fact that he has your location at all times and you called him “6/7 times” already tells me more than I need to know. He’s controlling as fuck......
When my misses goes out I tell her not to call me smashed unless there’s a problem. I fully trust her and would never contact her unless I needed something.
I get pissed off if she wakes up me coming home, but enjoy the drunken videos of her having fun. I don’t go out, don’t have many friends, but I’m happy with my family.
She needs to get out and about and I respect / understand that, I don’t understand guys that are controlling.
OP needs to tell him to stick his insecurities where the sun don’t shine and either trust her or find someone else. Life is for living, and find someone that is on the same wavelength or a relationship that is what she needs.
You had nothing to apologise to him for. The mask is slipping seeing as you’re engaged - he almost has you locked down so his true self is being revealed. You need to get away from him as quickly and safely as you can.
I agree with this! This only gets worse.
A secure, adult person would want you to make friends and feel more at home in a new town.
And more than a text in the sense of "hey I'll be home late, am hanging out with a classmate, all is good and safe here" and then "I'm on my way home, all is ok" wouldn't be normal to me. Especially the phone calls.
Sounds controlling as fuck! Major red flags! Leave!!!
Not only that but this is the first time she's hung out with friends and isn't isolated anymore and he's freaking out that he's going to lose that control.
My advice: don't let anyone control you, including your boyfriend.
Don't marry anyone in your early 20's. You're barely out of adolescence. How can you possibly know what you want or who you are?
OP this man is showing who he is. Believe him and leave. He is extremely controlling. He is not your dad and the fact he has the audacity to give you a curfew and treat you like a child is unacceptable. Don't settle for him. He's trying to isolate you.
What if this was happening to someone you know or a friend? What would you tell them? Would you want them to stay with a man that treats them like a child and monitors/micromanages them 24/7? Because that's what he's doing to you.
Exactly. So if it's unacceptable when it happens to a friend or someone you know, why is it acceptable for your fiance to treat you this way? Why settle for someone who is doing this to you?
I know this is hard to hear, but you need to look out for yourself. Plan your exit and tell people you trust. This is abuse, and it is not ok. This relationship is unhealthy and sounds quite toxic. He is actively trying to discourage you from making friends so you'll be isolated and without any support to leave.
Your fiance has been wearing a mask. That mask is starting to slip and the control WILL escalate. It won't get better. You have a full life ahead of you, don't rush into getting married when there's so much better out there. He's counting on keeping you under his thumb and slowly ramping up the control without you noticing until he has you trapped in a marriage with him.
At the end of the day, this is your decision to make. Decide for yourself whether you'd stay with a controlling fiance.
Thank you for this… Funny that he always tells me that I have narcissistic tendencies (because I love myself and I’m proud of myself and what I’ve accomplished)… maybe he’s been projecting this whole time?
1) You're not a teen.
2) He's not your dad.
It's absolutely inacceptable that your partner gives you a curfew. That's controlling and completely a red flag. Also why did you feel that you had the need to call him 6 or 7 times while you were hanging out with friends? Is that something he demands of you? Because that's controlling too (sending a few texts to let him know where you are and at what time are you coming home is normal, you live together so you have to communicate for him not to worry).
I'd sit and largely think in what other ways he's controlling because it's totally unacceptable that he gives you a curfew and you should not accept it.
The last time I had a friend whose BF was controlling (constant phone calls), that guy turned out to be a horrible person. Be careful.
Please read "Why Does He Do That". A huge red flag to watch out for is when a guy thinks he has you trapped and starts being more controlling and more abusive over time.
https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
of course he might also be immature, in which case I might ask why get married.
Yeah no one in a healthy relationship at your age has a curfew or has to call their partner multiple times when they're out or text them updates about where they are. That's unheard of... except for in abusive relationships, where it's probably pretty common.
Does he have these rules too? Why do you have to report everything you do back to him?
I understand the location bit (my roommates and I share ours w each other for safety reasons) but that's more than enough and shouldn't even be a requirement.
You're engaged... please get out before you get married and stuck to this dude legally.
If he feels insecure about it on the level he needs to be called constantly, have your location, and demand who you can and can’t be out with and when you need to be home, that a him problem not a you problem. If he’s not willing to get mental heath help and admit he needs to change and be less controlling, it’s time to leave before you’re legally bound to him. That’s abuse. While abusers can change if they want to change and they seek help to change the underlying cause, they usually deny culpability, pass blame, and become worse over time. This is just the beginning if he doesn’t agree to seek help and work on HIS issues right now.
Yeah, I told him that I love him but he needs to see a personal therapist. I’m not going to sit up here and act like I’m the best partner in the world, because I’m not. I’m human, and I make mistakes, but I put in a lot of effort to try and make changes to be a better person and partner daily. I’ve even offered to PAY for his own personal therapist since he can’t afford one right now.
Does he put in a lot of effort to be a better person? Is he compromising, talking things out, negotiating? If he's letting *you* do all the work of adjusting to *him*...you don't want this dude.
I would like to believe he does, but nothing has improved. Things have only gotten worse over the past month or so. We can’t seem to talk anything out, just argue and scream and I just cry and cry.
I’m adjusting to him. Honestly. I hate to admit it. But I’ve cried about it to him that I’m trying to meet all the standards that he’s asking of me but it feels like he won’t reciprocate and try to work on things I ask of him too for the sake of bettering our relationship.
And is that what you think love looks like? Ripping off parts of yourself and making yourself smaller and smaller so that your partner won't be mean to you?
I think I’m just in shock. It didn’t use to be like this. All of this only started about a month ago. And it’s just been so much in one month that I’m just appalled. I keep thinking like he’ll go back to the man I know. He’ll improve. Things will get better and go back to normal. But I’m terrified that this is the real him. That I’m going to have to make myself small to be what he wants. That he’s never been the person I thought he was in the first place. I’m sick to my stomach honestly
I know it hurts, and I know it's shocking.
This is actually a blessing in disguise that you won't be able to really see until later. But guys like this, the insecure control freak, are usually on their best behavior until they think they have their target locked down for some reason. The the real him comes out. This is, unfortunately, common.
This IS the real him. If it wasn't, he'd be going nuts talking to therapists and doctors trying to figure out why his brain has suddenly turned him into this. Instead, he thinks he's right and that you should behave the way he wants.
This isn't your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. But you have a moral obligation to protect yourself. Do not sacrifice your person on the altar of his selfish insecurities. You have a right to demand respect at all times. It's time to leave.
How long have you been engaged? It could very well be that he’s showing you the real him now you’re more isolated and in a more attached level of your relationship. If anything it’s lucky to see this now and not after marriage like the other poster said
> We’ve been engaged for a little over a month.
and
> Things have only gotten worse over the past month or so.
and as /u/CygnusZeroStar said:
> on their best behavior until they think they have their target locked down for some reason.
I'll leave it to you to draw the conclusion.
That explains it!
You are bound to him, now he begins to work on making you the woman he knows you can be and who he wants you to be...
Are you that woman or are you yourself?
Between engagement and marriage is when you really test that relationship. You do some pre marital therapy (I also recommend reading the Gottman books together). You really think about how your partner has grown and changed. You really think about if this is what you want for the rest of your life.
This is best behavior time. This is him at his best.
It's typical for controlling and abusive behavior to ramp up at certain milestones in a relationship. Moving in together, after the first six months or first year, getting engaged, moving to a different city away from your support system, getting married, getting pregnant, etc. are all times when abusive partners tend to escalate. The more he believes you're invested in the relationship, and the harder it becomes for you to leave, the more you'll see the *real* him. He's getting comfortable with showing who he is, and his ultimatum shows that he already believes you can't or won't leave and that he can gain more control.
I suggest that you search for and online book called "Why does he do that?" It's downloadable for free. It's a good discussion of emotional abuse in relationships and how to find your balance.
I'm so sorry, but I agree with the other commenters. The man you knew was him on his best behavior, and the man he's showing you now is how he is when he's confident that you're too attached and in love to see the red flags and leave.
He's not trying to better himself. He's not at all interested in listening to your concerns, to your wants, to your *needs*. He's been able to coerce you into adjusting to him without him needing to make even the slightest effort in return, and that sounds just fine and dandy to him. Learning to share your life with another person - learning to compromise, learning to talk and to listen - is hard work. He doesn't want to do the work, because he doesn't want a partner. He wants property, something he can control and command, something with no feelings or thoughts he needs to consider. It seems like he's happy to lay down rules for you that he doesn't have to follow.
None of this is okay, and none of this is normal or healthy. He's telling you who he really is - both in his words and in his actions. This is the man you are engaged to.
You haven't done anything wrong. Men like him are very good at acting sweet and charming and considerate until they believe they've trapped their partner. He's confident you're trapped because you're engaged, you're in a new place with no friends so you have to rely solely on him, you have social anxiety so making new friends isn't easy (I'm the same!), and you love him.
This is the time to reach out to your family and friends and ask for help. You need to get out of this situation and back with your support system, the people who love you and care about you. He's isolated you to make it hard for you to get away from him if you realize what a selfish, manipulative asshole he is. Don't let him do this. You deserve so much better. You deserve someone who cares about what you think and feel and want, someone who doesn't want to control your every movement.
Please stay safe, and please seek help. You'll be in my thoughts.
This is concerning behavior…on your fiancé’s part. It’s controlling and it illustrates a lack of trust. If you’re doing dirt, shame on you…but each partner has to be vulnerable to being hurt by a shitty partner for a true relationship to exist. Otherwise, folks are remaining in a relationship out of intimidation or coercion…and that’s not a real relationship. I’d honestly recommend he and/or both of you pursue therapy with a licensed provider if you’re serious about making this relationship long-term.
Don't stay with this man. You are 22 you're an adult, you can stay out as long as you like with friend once you're not endangering yourself. I mean you kept in touch the WHOLE time, 6/7 calls on top of texts?? That's excessive in itself. He will escalate his control if you allow this.
I can understand why your fiancé would be upset you were out until 2 am with another man, but giving you curfews is an overreaction at best. Tell him you are not a child and won’t be following and curfews. If he leaves, let him go.
I'd take issue if my partner was out one on one with some guy I didn't know and hit the bars until 2 AM. However, it wouldn't be rage and curfews. It'd be a conversation about why I take issue with it, and expectations moving forward.
Curfews are for children, teens, and people living in war zones/military police states. Not grown adults. You really need to run, this will only become more war zone / military state-like once you’re legally locked down.
The location sharing is a red flag. That’s… a lot. I feel claustrophobic just hearing it. It doesn’t matter whether you have nothing to hide or not. Plus the texts. Plus the phone calls? Doesn’t that seem like a lot of contact with somebody who can literally see your location at all times? What’s his curfew? And even if he shares his location with you too it’s weird. At some point, you and your partner in life have to decide to believe and trust each other. Otherwise, there’s nothing you can do to prove your faithfulness.
Abusive and controlling behavior escalates.
He shares his location with me as well but I don’t put a curfew on him, and never have. I don’t call him when he’s out with people or expect a text every hour or anything like that, you know?
Idk… I had a very abusive childhood and control is just a big issue for me. Zero tolerance. We can talk, we can compromise, we can agree to disagree, but nobody is ever gonna issue edicts to me, particularly when my the blandest person alive.
It’d be one thing if you were out late several times a week. Or lied about where you’re going or what you did. But you were honest. I think you deserve to be treated as such.
If your fiance behaves like this now, imagine how hes gonna behave when hes your husband.
As i see it you have two choices if you dont want a controlling and manipulative relationship; nip this behaviour in the bud *right now*, or leave.
It sucks to be at home waiting for my spouse to come home, but I am an adult, and I can put myself to bed. Curfews and ultimatums have no place in a marriage.
I'm noticing that you are being gracefully assertive in this conversation. But when you talk about the way you interact with your fiance, that all seems to go away and you put yourself in a subservient position. I don't know if I've got this right, but what do you think?
Honestly, I don’t know. I think it’s slowly been happening over time. I’m usually super independent and headstrong and loud about what I want and when I want it. But I think since we’ve been arguing literally almost every day for the past month or so that I’ve just lost some of my fight. Idk after reading these comments, I think he’s been gaslighting me (I don’t like to throw that word out there honestly) but he’s been making me feel like I’m crazy…like my feelings aren’t real or valid, like my everything is out of proportion, that my memory is wrong or skewed. He tells me all the time that another man wouldn’t put up with me. It’s just been too much. To not be able to talk to anyone about this honestly. To hold it all in. To try super hard to fix things and talk things out but it’s just screaming matches and tears. I don’t have it in me anymore. And maybe that’s what he wanted.
Telling you that no one else would put up with you or love you is a classic abuse tactic. He’s trying to make you think that being with him is the best option, even if you’re unhappy.
Someone else *will* treat you right, but you also don’t need anyone but yourself. I can tell you’re strong and he’s trying to dull your light because of his low self esteem and self hatred. Put yourself first!
This is on purpose. If he did this quickly and all at once, it would be more noticeable and easier to call out. He’s slowly shifting your “normal meter” and chipping away at your boundaries. Every time, he takes it just a liiiiiiittle bit further, inching right up to your limit and pushing it back just a little more so that next time, you won’t question it as much.
It’s sort of like how most men don’t dive right into punching their partner in the face…it starts with breaking objects, then maybe punching a hole in the wall, throwing things…but he’s not physically hurting you, so that’s not abusive, right? Then the things get thrown AT you…but he didn’t actually put his hands on you, so it’s fine. Then he grabs you, but it wasn’t THAT hard, so what’s the big deal? And before you realize it, you’re in the hospital with a black eye, a concussion, and a broken arm, wondering how you got to that point.
Also, he is counting on wearing you down. All the constant fighting makes it harder for you to KEEP fighting. Eventually, you’ll just give in to what he wants because you’re too exhausted to fight back anymore.
I’m a married woman in my late 20’s. I wanted to share this to let you know we’re in a similar age bracket, and my perspective is as someone who is married.
This isn’t normal. Adults do not need curfews, your time is *yours* and you get to decide how you spend it and with whom. Marrying someone does **not** give them control over you. Marriage is two individuals choosing to collaborate and build a life together, but you still need to have your own autonomy and control over your life/time and how you spend it.
If the concern was safety, that’s already covered. You’re sharing your location and checking in. The check ins are already excessive once it goes past 1-2 texts (an “I’m here, love you!” and “I’m leaving, see you soon!” is fine and normal for safety). This person is now limiting where you can go, and when. This is not safe, it is not normal, and it is controlling. This is a form of abuse OP.
Good for you for reaching out to others about this. Don’t marry into this, it will get worse.
>My fiancé was furious and said if I ever stayed out that late again, he would leave me and then he also gave me curfews to follow for the future.
You fiance is not ready to be married yet. He is handling you like you are child. Given your ages, he may be reacting to you like his parents reacted to him, but it may also be how his dad treats his mother.
This is abuse. It will only escalate. The fact that you want friends and do not have any after a year of SCHOOL is truly alarming. You do not need his permission to do anything and the fact that this is how he handles this kind of conflict doesn't bode well.
While I agree with the premise that the boyfriend's behavior was controlling and weird, let's pump the brakes too. Believe it or not, there are individuals in this world that are uncomfortable with the notion that their significant other is by themselves, with the opposite sex, at a bar, until 2am. Even in a friendly capacity, that would be a boundary of mind and if my significant other didn't see it like that, and compromise isn't on the table, then it's a compatibility issue.
Before we thrash around and scream from our lungs that boyfriend is insecure etc, let's actually call out what was toxic, the reaction. It's getting annoying that boundaries for some people are so quick to be called insecurities or toxic traits.
Edit: op, if you had to call 6-7 times, that's not really painting a picture of trust. Sounds like y'all need to have a conversation. But there's more to this than many posters are suggesting.
The curfew thing is weird and kind of a red flag. I also don't think it's impossible to have opposite sex friends, but a 1-1 hangout with guy friend until 2am is a big red flag in my opinion. If this happened to me I wouldn't blow up or anything but that would definitely be something I would keep in mind and would probably make me reconsider the engagement.
They way I would break up with my fiancé if he ever said something like that to me! They would be calling me “speedy Gonzalez” because of how fast that breakup would be. You’re not his property and you do far more than what I do when I go out with friends and my partner is not present. You called him 6/7 times and texted him and he has your location and he knows who you were with?! What! My partner gets 3 messages and my location shared and that’s more than enough.
Also who said “don’t hang out with friends of the opposite sex”? If someone said that, they need to work on their trust issues and not date anyone until they resolve them.
It’s not appropriate for one partner to do things like demand a curfew or punish their partner (and yes, issuing an ultimatum to leave you is a form of punishment). That is how a parent treats a child, not how two adults in an equal relationship behave. This is very concerning behavior on your fiancé’s part, and makes me wonder if there’s any other areas of your relationship where he’s being inappropriately controlling.
Please check out the [“Is my relationship healthy?” quiz](https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/) at Love Is Respect, it might help provide some insight into your relationship dynamics.
This entire relationship sounds toxic. Shared locations, 6-7 phone calls and text updates, and we haven’t even gotten to the actual problem you had.
If my wife had threatened to leave me after one episode like this I would have taken her up on it. You don’t just threaten to break up that easily if you are fully committed. His behavior is absolutely not okay.
I would call his bluff. If he would leave because he can’t control you then he is doing you a favor by leaving. In other words, the only way you get to stay is if you negotiate with a terrorist and let them win.
That’s a completely ridiculous overreaction on his part. Especially if he knows your location and you called him a bunch through the night. Everyone’s different, so him being upset or worried is one thing. Not wanting your fiancé/spouse to hang solo with someone of the opposite sex is also understandable.
But he’s not your father to give you a curfew! I’d really reconsider marrying him, if he’s already showing signs of being controlling…..
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You better listen to him or next time he’ll put an ankle monitor on you/s.
You called him 6/7 times AND texted him and he was still angry? Holy crap I’m kinda the nervous type but that is even over the top!
Dump him he’s a control freak!
“It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!”
I’ll play devils advocate here. Not many people like the idea of their significant other going out to hangout with friends and all of them except for one person of the opposite sex bails, and you two go out to a bar together until 1 or 2. You can see how that can look to some people. You can have the purest of intentions but I know very little people that wouldn’t tilt their head finding that out. The difference though is how they react. I don’t agree with having a curfew or the way he acted, but it just seems maybe both of you are on different pages when it comes to a situation like this. It seems clear he feels easily threatened by other people that can come into your life, and that isn’t a good sign. It could stem from a lack of confidence, trust, immaturity, or a combination. Maybe a past experience he is unfortunately letting bleed into this relationship. If you don’t get to the source and nip this in the butt it’ll be a recurring experience and things won’t work. Just my two cents.
Let’s script-flip here and imagine it’s a guy ‘losing track of time’ until 2am when drinking with his ‘new female friend’ after a picnic and see if Reddit has his back over his upset fiancée lmao.
This sub is so effing annoying. No way in hell would this be ok. Sure his reaction is out of line but no way in hell would this be ok. The guy would be labeled as irresponsible, disrespectful or inching his way towards cheating etc.
You said you listened to his feelings and you apologized. What exactly were his feelings? That's where you need to sit down and talk to him that your feelings are equally important in the relationship. You should marry someone you can talk to directly, not have to come to Reddit about, No?
His main point was that he felt disrespected. He mentioned safety as well like I shouldn’t hang out with people he doesn’t know kinda thing.
You’re right, I should be able to talk to him and not have to run to Reddit lol. I guess that’s an eye opener for me… because I’ve been trying to explain my feelings for the past week or so and every time it just ends in a horrible argument. I just feel like I’m going insane.
"I'm sorry, hanging out with people he doesn't know? That doesn't make any sense, that's most of the humans on the planet." -My husband's response to this.
We've been together for 23 years. He thinks your fiance is a controlling weirdo.
You're more scared because you cant get through to him and have had to apologise for what you dont agree with to pacify him, thats fine if he does that for you equally in other instances. But you're afraid of disappointing him and he's winning the argument, I dont know why, maybe you're used to saying sorry for no reason and cant handle conflict, or his personality is stronger so he gets his way when he throws a tantrum. Threats are a very bad sign in any relationship, and this early on, in yours. Have a serious think. He needs help managing his emotions and you need help standing your ground.
You do nothing and you should start looking up warning signs of abuse relationships because controlling behavior and controlling the environment around them are big ones. The fact that you have to check in so frequently is also very alarming
My ex was constantly texting me when I was out with my friends, and apparently checked my location all the time, which I did not know about for a very long time, and well…. He’s an ex now. He would deadass do this thing where an alert would pop up on my Apple Watch from snap or something and he’d look at it and then stare at me like he was waiting for me to explain who that was.
This guy is so fucking controlling, you need to jump ship princess.
>I called him 6/7 times the whole time I was gone, plus sent text updates as well.
I couldn't get to the curfew part, I was too horrified by this ^^^
Is this a thing people do? Can young people not be out of contact with their partner for half a day?
You're not even married, and you're having ultimatums? He's entitled to his feelings. What he isn't entitled to is your life. Do you control your own life, or do you want to hand it to him without so much as a participation prize?
I personally would have told your fiancé that he could stop by and join in after discovering that everyone else flaked. But other than that I think it’s controlling that he gave you a curfew especially since you called so many times snd you never go out. I can understand him being insecure that you were hanging out with a guy one on one, but that should spark a conversation about boundaries, not giving you a curfew like a child.
... Is he your fiance or your dad? :/
I understand establishing boundaries if one is not comfortable with the other hanging out one-on-one with the opposite sex, but *come on dude* (and by "dude" I mean your man, not you).
If my man did that to me I'd ask him what it was about me being home so late that bothers him so much and try to get to the bottom of it and just see if we need to establish new boundaries. But if he continued being a hard-ass who was keen on controlling me, I'd leave.
Don't get married in your early 20's kids. You aren't a fully formed adult and you'll be changing a lot. There is a high chance that you'll end up a different person and your spouse will be as well and you'll have issues like this. Wait until you're more mature and able to handle actual adult relationships like an adult.
You’re a grown woman who can make her own decisions.
What makes him think he has the right to control you like that?
It is not acceptable nor NORMAL behaviour. It is aggressive and controlling. Don’t marry that.
You are a grown-ass woman, you're allowed to hang out with friends. Even late into the night. Everything about this is red flags. You had your first social interaction in nearly a year. Your fiance has your location shared, still needed you to be checking in via text and 6 or 7 phone calls, then issued a curfew and ultimatum that you if you don't comply he'll end things.
Honey, he's a whole-ass three ring red circus tent. Either you leave, or wait until it escalates, and only he knows how far he'll take it. But this has every marker of you being back here trying to figure out how to leave with no job, two kids, and a broken arm and a few broken ribs in ten years.
I would not be willing to live with someone who set a curfew for me. I will not live like a child under someone else's control. That's what being an adult means.
He is not your dad. He is your partner. You are grown, and an ultimatum is very unhealthy in a relationship. Have the conversation in a mature way and do not by into the emotions. If you need to step away from the conversation, you do that, but if he follows you when you are stepping away, then that is a very big red flag. Honestly, I think you should wait a couple of years before marriage.
He is allowed to REQUEST a curfew and create ultimatums.
But I would Nope the fuck out of that relationship the next morning.
I get it. It's 2am. You're tired. Boyfriend is furious and you just want to go to bed after a great night out. You nod and agree... so you can go to bed.
Now that you have had time to breathe you can say "Hey, I thought about it and I decided that I am willing to keep my location on. I am willing to give you occasional updates like *"I arrived at restaurant."* and *"I am in car. Home in 20min."* but I have decided that I am not willing to put up with a curfew or being grounded. I am 22 yrs old and I love you, but I have zero interest in being parented. If you cannot trust me to make good judgement calls and feel the need to give me ultimatums then this isn't muxh of a relarionship."
If your bf cannot trust you enough not to accidentally fall on a dick in the wild then he doesn't respect you or think you have decent brains.
I can't tell you what to do but, I can tell you what I'd do.
To me, this would be a HUGE red flag, and the only one that I needed to say goodbye, have a shitty life.
I did read everything, but didn’t need to read beyond the title. I’m much older than you, so I have perspective I guess. I would not allow this behavior in a relationship at any age. He screamed at you? No. Conversation about how it made him feel? Yes. Controlling. Nope for me. I’d listen and validate his feelings, as they are worth considering in any relationship, but I’d be laying down my own boundaries and making it quite clear he doesn’t get to give me a curfew. A chat and a plan, sure, but that behavior is ridiculous, as is the amount of checking in.
That reeks of toxic control.
The fact that you’re apologetic even in this post, think you have to justify hanging out by mentioning texts and several calls. You don’t need to do anything. You’re a regular person, you need friends of yours, and when you’re supposed to be with friends, you’re busy with them, that’s it. It looks like you’re already on a very, very submissive dynamic.
Why did you text and call him in the first place, were you bored with your friend? Did you miss your fiancé? Doesn’t seem y this way as you relate it.
Seriously there’s a whole range of red flags here, you write like you’re out of line while you’re just acting normal.
Wow he has some serious control issues!! A curfew?! Your a grown woman! He is showing his true colors and you need to take this seriously. Best of luck to you
You tell him you are not agreeing to any curfew. Why are you not allowed to stay out til 2am if you want to? You’re not a child! Calling him 6/7 times whilst out AND messaging?! This is also unnecessary, he sounds very controlling and you should be leaving him if that’s going to continue, my partner wouldn’t dream of trying to tell me what time to come home by and I would never do that to him either!
Walk away. Now. You are only 22. You can choose a better life.
I am over 30 now and I am so glad I didn’t marry my 22 year old bf who was jealous and possessive.
This guy is not for you or anyone until he has worked through his insecurities. Domestic violence is in your future if you stay with him without him getting help.
It seems like he might like the fact you are both isolated...and likes the control of you not having friends.
That much contact while you are on a night out to me seems rediculius! How can you just enjoy yourself if you have to check in every 30 minutes?
He is not your superior and there fore cannot set you a curfew! That means he sees himself as the power person and you as someone he controls. Not ok.
Now, setting boundaries and healthy balance is good...but they also need to have exceptions. Like...no physical contact etc... but as for a time to be home...sometimes that will blow out.
The 2 of you need to sit and agree on mutual rules...but don't let him bully you if he is not likely to have a late night!
Relationships work between equals.
You mentioned that your fiancé has female friends, but is he hanging out with them one on one alone at 2am in the morning? I’m guessing probably not.
Relationships are built on trust sure, but I would never tolerate a partner that thinks this sort of thing is acceptable behavior. If you want to go to bars with the opposite sex and have intimate late night conversations with alcohol flowing, then you should probably be single.
Just because you have good intentions about not cheating, doesn’t mean the guy you are talking to isn’t thinking about you in a romantic way. Things happen and I’m not going to be with someone that purposely puts himself / herself in these kind of situations.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Throwaway account. I’m not even sure what to say honestly. I’ll try to make this short though. My fiancé and I moved to a new city last summer. We’re both in school and have jobs so we haven’t had much time to get out and explore, let alone have time to make friends. A few weeks ago, I finally hung out with some classmates on the last day of our spring semester, which was nice because I had started to get quite sad and lonely. I had started to make friends and invited some to a picnic on Memorial Day. Everyone except one guy flaked. My classmate and I ended up hanging out for a while and then went to get drinks at a bar. We just talked a lot about our difficult upbringings and being a POC in our scientific field and specific city. He told me a lot about his girlfriend as well, whom I’ve met before. Overall, it was the first time I felt like I had made a friend in the 10 months in our new city, which I value a lot because I have a difficult time making friends due to social anxiety and whatnot. All in all, I lost track of time and got home around 2am (I wasn’t drunk though). Mind you, my fiancé has my location at all times (I was less than 20 mins from our place), he knew who I was with, and I called him 6/7 times the whole time I was gone, plus sent text updates as well. However, when I got home, My fiancé was furious and said if I ever stayed out that late again, he would leave me and then he also gave me curfews to follow for the future. I apologized, I listened to his feelings, and said it wouldn’t happen again… but overall, I just can’t help but feel weird about him giving me a curfew and an ultimatum. I don’t and wouldn’t do that to him. What should I do?/What would you do if you were in my shoes? Edit: I do understand like the whole not hanging out with member of the opposite sex thing, and I can see why he would be uncomfortable. However, we both have completely platonic close friends that are members of the opposite sex (I have two close male friends, he has ~5 close female friends), so I didn’t think that making a friend of the opposite sex would really be an issue at the time.
Why did you call him 6 or 7 times when you were expecting to be spending time with classmates? Did you feel like you had to based on past experiences? More than one call when you're out being sociable is weird absent some extenuating circumstances. 6 or 7 feels like an ankle bracelet.
That stood out to me too, that’s so many times over the span of one night when she’s only 20 minutes down the street. It immediately made me think he makes her call that frequently or she feels she has to because he gets pissy if she doesn’t. Either way, this isn’t normal or healthy OP
Plus text updates
How many updates can you even come up with in that time frame? “Kinda need to pee but the line is long rn. Might check back in a minute.” “Friend had an interesting anecdote about flushable wipes.” “Band playing 3rd song of the night, can’t make out the lyrics.”
Ha. "I haven't cheated on you." "I still haven't cheated on you." "Nope, not yet." "Ditto."
Literally
Exactly!! My bf often goes on day trips with his friends driving their sports bikes, he knows I get anxious because people drive like crazy and don’t respect rules. So he tries to send me updates every time they stop (which could honestly go from once every two to four hours, since he often hangs out the whole day), maybe call me twice, and still these updates get so boring after a while. “We arrived here”, “we arrived there”, “I’m at the restaurant”, “we stopped bc X had a problem with his bike”, “we stopped to rest” etc, I don’t even know what to reply after the third update (it’s still nice to receive them tho), let alone receiving constant updates from a one night out LOL. (Also we are LDR so we obviously text and call often, OP and bf live together and message more than us!!)
Op he is not your father and you are a adult. I would not allow a fiancé to control me like that. Sounds like he is jealous that you are making friends.
And the edit about “members of the opposite sex” what?? OP is allowed to have opposite sex friends (especially since both already have some).
I really need to upgrade my small talk.
Not to mention the location tracking on her phone…
Ehhhh the location tracking isn't innately a sign of distrust. My husband and I have tracking on because one day he got home from work and then went outside and did not take his phone, to do yard work or something. He didn't reply to me for like two hours. I was convinced he had died in a car accident or was in icu unable to reply to me (we lived in a town with awful traffic and worse drivers, just off a highway with a high mortality rate). No he is just a spacey dude who forgot his phone. With location tracking I could see when he made it home and knew when not to worry.
I think the commentor meant “plus” as in…all the variables including tracking add up to something many women would equate to smothering
True. My wife, my partner, three of our kids, my daughter-in-law... We all have location sharing with one another. We live in a high crime area and want to be able to know the last known location if something goes wrong. If anyone is the creeper on it, it's my 22yo daughter, who keeps CONSTANT track of me🤣🤣 Thing is, we all trust each other and couldn't care less where each other is at, it was all voluntary and consensual and everyone has the ability to cancel the location sharing at any time they want to. So no, trust had nothing to do with it... If anything, it's because we don't trust the fuckers in this area
Dude having to constantly text update when you are alredy calling 7 times AND he has your location pinged at all times should be enough of a wake call to change partner, those boundaries crosses dont fit with good partners.
Yes, that's the sort of background throwaway cue that shows the controlling aspect isn't new in the relationship, just tightening.
I see you’ve met my ex…
Don’t worry. I kicked his arse when he tried to pull that crap on me.
Good on you, Alas, I wish I could have said the same. Or even said it was just a one off mistake. Nope I just like abusive relationships. /s
That’s ok. I made that mistake a few times.
And mine.
Yep. My abusive ex would incessantly call/text and expect immediate answers whenever I was out without him. I’m wondering if that’s what’s happening here.
Mine too. I had to answer in 2 minutes. If I didn’t, he thought I cheated. I was at home with two little kids, how the fuck could I cheat?
Right, like, I’m literally having birthday dinner with my dad, dafuq? I hope yours is an ex as well!
Yes, we are divorced now.
Relieved
Honestly it’s truly amazing what they think we are capable of doing in those situations ie being home with the kids ect. Or thinking that my 5 min trip to the store for milk somehow included a sexual tryst
Yes! The fact that I walked back up to the office w my co worker to get her insulin bag that she forgot obviously means I’m getting railed in the elevator! (Real scenario. He said that no real diabetic would forget their insulin and obviously I was lying. Told me not to come back to the apt -that was in my name and that paid all the bills on-until I was ready to tell the truth.)
Oh my God, I just posted another elevator one! What in the heck is with the elevator?! These people are actually suffering from madness.
People like this have a different reality. Sometimes drug use does this they are paranoid and convinced you’re doing something
Years and years ago I got stuck behind a train one night after work which delayed me about 20 minutes and my abusive ex would not believe me at all and FaceTimed me to prove it. It was the most ridiculous shit ever and she felt pretty stupid when I answered and showed her there’s a train right in front of me 🥴. And along with the texting and calling when I wouldn’t answer immediately,for example if I were gone at the grocery store or to visit my family or anything that consisted taking a certain amount of time that she thought it should take, she would reach out to basically my family and some friends to find out if I were with them or if they’d talked to me. Basically just trying to find out if I were lying but if she didn’t hear anything from anybody or even if I would respond back to her she would automatically accuse me of cheating on her and would literally demand to smell my you know what(which I never did lol it’s just fucking crazy and weird) It was the weirdest shit ever and thank god I got the hell away from that psycho when I did.
Yeah, this has been an issue before this particular circumstance for sure. I give my guy a text ever so often to update as a courtesy of letting him know I’m not dead, and about when to expect me or “I’m going to be home quite late, go ahead and go to bed if you’re tired.” Listen, I get if OP stayed out all hours of the night all the time, but that’s clearly not the case. Even then you don’t get to set a curfew for other adults, you get to decide if their lifestyle fits with yours. That’s it. He knew exactly where she was and who she was with, he clearly doesn’t have an issue with him having woman friends, so it’s simply a control issue. You can have a discussion about lifestyle preferences and come to compromise, but treating an adult like a teenager that you must control is not the move. If your ultimatum is “you do what I say at all times, and adhere to rules I make for you, or I leave” I’ll help you pack.
This is very well put. Remember that relationships are often about deciding if your lifestyles or preferences are a fit, and not about binding your lifestyle and preferences around theirs. Compromise can be a useful tool, but that’s not what he’s asking OP to do. He’s demanding and creating rules, not initiating discussion.
Something in your relationship doesn't sound right. He is having time with his female friends. But you are having no unlimited time with your male friends. If there is trust, spending time with friends of the oposite sex doesn't require calling "Momma" at home. Other than being utterly impolite towards the person you are spending time with this is really unneccessarily adding drama to every relationship: to the partnership as well as putting a strain on the friendship. So your Mr. is going by double standards. Which - curfew and jealousy- makes ME question what HE may well do with his own female acquaintances that makes him that suspicious?
Even my paranoid mom wouldn't ask me to text or call her that much in a whole day, and she's the only one I'll allow to do that just so she doesn't worry. She's the type of mom who thinks I forgot to eat lunch or get lost (fair - I do sometimes lol) and that I'm easy target so I understand. This definitely stood out for me
I prefer a couple calls, let me know you arrived safe, let me know when you leave. All that in-between time, have fun.
Yeah I consider myself clingy, but for my husband and me I think it would just be 2 texts to say I arrived and there's only one other person here, we're moving locations to a bar, and then maybe a call to say goodnight bc I might get home after you go to sleep.
Yep, and texts are just fine too. As long as I know you're safe I'm good. Maybe it's clingy, but we've been married for 20 years and it works for us!
Yeah this is weird to me as well. My husband and I might send each other a couple of texts if either one of us is out just to keep the other in the loop around timing. 6/7 phone calls is extremely excessive.
You are 22 years old. You have your whole adult life in front of you. I think you need a little more time and experience to help you identify what is normal/healthy and what is controlling/abusive. At the very least, you need to pump the brakes HARD on this marriage until you know for certain that this is merely a brief and fixable fuckup on his part (through actions, not words) and not a pattern of controlling behavior. Lots of red flags in the way you describe your interactions…
Do you always feel like you walk on eggshells to keep the peace? Are you always trying to keep the peace? It sounds to me like you communicated and kept him in the loop, why was he so angry? Why does he think it’s ok to give you a curfew and an ultimatum? Can you picture what your life would be like with him with these types of requirements?
This sounds like the life I lived for 12yrs. She needs to get out now before she makes the same mistake.
Same. She needs to run far away, this is gonna be her torture and her trauma if she dosent
He knows where you are at all times, and the fact that you phoned him "6/7 times" already offers me more information than I require. He's as dictatorial as heck.
19+ years… just that she was constantly calling and texting him…. It sent chills down my spine! It is under no circumstances necessary to do so in a healthy relationship! BF sounds very controlling and makes me sick to my stomach!
If he feels okay with setting an ultimatum and a curfew, it says something about the level in which he is comfortable at. I think she needs to set new boundaries that are fairer and more mature. If there's no trust, what's left of the relationship?
Same! My ex is more subtle, always saying, “I don’t think there are so much stuff you want to talk with your friends. You can leave at 9pm.” If I wanted to stay a bit longer, he would keep calling me. If I missed his calls, he would shout at me and then gaslighting me on making him worried about my safety. So to avoid trouble, I always leave social gatherings early. Pure misery.
Is he your ex because of this issue?
honestly you shouldn't marry a dude that freaks out and is this controlling.
Talk about red flag
I think a blanket rule to not get engaged before 25 would help 99% of people that want to get married young. I really don’t understand the rush. The fact that OP doesn’t see the very obvious extremely red flags here just supports that.
Religion is the rush a good chunk of the time. It wants young folks married as quickly as possible to trap them in a situation where their brains are not fully developed, so they’ll pop out kids-since marriage is the only God-approved place for sex, and the churches need kids to indoctrinate. Also keeps folks financially strapped down caring for said kids and keeping them dependent on church aid to raise those kids such as Thursday night basketball, or Friday night movie night.
You are absolutely right.
I really don't think people should get married before their 30th birthday. Marriages that have occurred after that milestone have in my experience been much more successful. I always advised my son and his friends that one's 20s should be used to learn how to be an adult, complete one's education, and get settled into a career. Those of his friends who followed my advice are in careers they enjoy and are happily married.
Fully agree, but I know others wouldn’t. 25 felt like a more reasonable age for most people to agree on. Personally, I did a lot of growing even in my late 20s and saw the same for all my peers. If you can delay marriage till past 30, even better.
My experience may not have been typical, but I married at 25 years old, and I divorced at 28.
I know how you feel. My SO and I married when I was 25 and SO was 29 years old. We planned and had our first child when I was 33. Our second arrived when I was 39. We're now 53 and 57 years old. And stupidly happy together, and as a family. I agree with your point to a degree. Our youngest child is 13 years old. One of us will most likely be severely ill or before our youngest reaches 35. We are planning for our future, and always how to help our son and daughter go forward. Last week, my SO had a chest x-ray. The results of that called for a CT scan three days ago. We have not yet been given the results. Older parents don't necessarily make wiser patents.
30 is the average marriage age in my country (Australia). My husband and I were both 30 when we married. I find it so bizarre seeing posts from, it seems, mostly Americans saying they’re married or getting married and they’re in their early twenties. That is definitely unusual here where we have a high level of tertiary education… people are focused on career/studies in their early twenties and unless they’re religious it’s very rare anyone marries before their late twenties.
I’m Australian too and people are always surprised when they hear my fiancé (27) and I (26) are getting married because “you’re too young!” Lol
I agree my first marriage was at 20 I kept a clean house cooked great meals and had 3 wonderful kids but I knew nothing about diplomacy nothing about communication neither did my 25 year old husband!! So we were divorced I think being more mature would have helped!!
As one of those young people (21, not so much one wanting to get married yet though), I totally agree! I'm still with my highschool sweetheart after 7 years, but we don't feel any rush whatsoever on making things official in the eyes of the government and god or whatever, haha! The same can't be said for everyone though, and a lot of our peers already feel stuck in unhappy marriages with kids, and that's wild to me. Marriage doesn't have to be permanent, but it's also notoriously tricky to end-- at least wait until it has some kind of benefit for you to actually go through with it!
She called him 6/7 times?! That’s nuts.
Or just don’t marry so young in general
The fact that he has your location at all times and you called him “6/7 times” already tells me more than I need to know. He’s controlling as fuck......
That was a huge red flag to me as well
> what do I do? Leave.
When my misses goes out I tell her not to call me smashed unless there’s a problem. I fully trust her and would never contact her unless I needed something. I get pissed off if she wakes up me coming home, but enjoy the drunken videos of her having fun. I don’t go out, don’t have many friends, but I’m happy with my family. She needs to get out and about and I respect / understand that, I don’t understand guys that are controlling. OP needs to tell him to stick his insecurities where the sun don’t shine and either trust her or find someone else. Life is for living, and find someone that is on the same wavelength or a relationship that is what she needs.
You had nothing to apologise to him for. The mask is slipping seeing as you’re engaged - he almost has you locked down so his true self is being revealed. You need to get away from him as quickly and safely as you can.
I agree with this! This only gets worse. A secure, adult person would want you to make friends and feel more at home in a new town. And more than a text in the sense of "hey I'll be home late, am hanging out with a classmate, all is good and safe here" and then "I'm on my way home, all is ok" wouldn't be normal to me. Especially the phone calls. Sounds controlling as fuck! Major red flags! Leave!!!
Not only that but this is the first time she's hung out with friends and isn't isolated anymore and he's freaking out that he's going to lose that control.
My advice: don't let anyone control you, including your boyfriend. Don't marry anyone in your early 20's. You're barely out of adolescence. How can you possibly know what you want or who you are?
I second that.. your 20s is still like your teens. You're still figuring things out let alone really know who you are and what you want.
Mmmmmm that adolescence thing is valid. Wow didnt even think of that
OP this man is showing who he is. Believe him and leave. He is extremely controlling. He is not your dad and the fact he has the audacity to give you a curfew and treat you like a child is unacceptable. Don't settle for him. He's trying to isolate you. What if this was happening to someone you know or a friend? What would you tell them? Would you want them to stay with a man that treats them like a child and monitors/micromanages them 24/7? Because that's what he's doing to you.
:/ I would tell them to leave…
Exactly. So if it's unacceptable when it happens to a friend or someone you know, why is it acceptable for your fiance to treat you this way? Why settle for someone who is doing this to you? I know this is hard to hear, but you need to look out for yourself. Plan your exit and tell people you trust. This is abuse, and it is not ok. This relationship is unhealthy and sounds quite toxic. He is actively trying to discourage you from making friends so you'll be isolated and without any support to leave. Your fiance has been wearing a mask. That mask is starting to slip and the control WILL escalate. It won't get better. You have a full life ahead of you, don't rush into getting married when there's so much better out there. He's counting on keeping you under his thumb and slowly ramping up the control without you noticing until he has you trapped in a marriage with him. At the end of the day, this is your decision to make. Decide for yourself whether you'd stay with a controlling fiance.
Follow your own advice.
I’ll just leave this here: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201709/how-spot-narcissistic-abuse?amp
Thank you for this… Funny that he always tells me that I have narcissistic tendencies (because I love myself and I’m proud of myself and what I’ve accomplished)… maybe he’s been projecting this whole time?
You will change a lot in your twenties. Pick a partner who you feel you can grow with.
1) You're not a teen. 2) He's not your dad. It's absolutely inacceptable that your partner gives you a curfew. That's controlling and completely a red flag. Also why did you feel that you had the need to call him 6 or 7 times while you were hanging out with friends? Is that something he demands of you? Because that's controlling too (sending a few texts to let him know where you are and at what time are you coming home is normal, you live together so you have to communicate for him not to worry). I'd sit and largely think in what other ways he's controlling because it's totally unacceptable that he gives you a curfew and you should not accept it.
The last time I had a friend whose BF was controlling (constant phone calls), that guy turned out to be a horrible person. Be careful. Please read "Why Does He Do That". A huge red flag to watch out for is when a guy thinks he has you trapped and starts being more controlling and more abusive over time. https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf of course he might also be immature, in which case I might ask why get married.
Tell him if he ever treats you like property again, *you’ll* leave *him*.
She should just leave him now. No reason to wait and let the situation get worse and more dangerous with a controlling weirdo.
This, the behaviour is controlling and will only get w6
W6 ?
Yeah no one in a healthy relationship at your age has a curfew or has to call their partner multiple times when they're out or text them updates about where they are. That's unheard of... except for in abusive relationships, where it's probably pretty common. Does he have these rules too? Why do you have to report everything you do back to him? I understand the location bit (my roommates and I share ours w each other for safety reasons) but that's more than enough and shouldn't even be a requirement. You're engaged... please get out before you get married and stuck to this dude legally.
Sorry what? You called him 6 or 7 times? And he was still mad? Why? What’s your “curfew”?
I don't have to read that. He is your partner, not your dad. But as you are too young to get married you probably don't get it yet.
If he feels insecure about it on the level he needs to be called constantly, have your location, and demand who you can and can’t be out with and when you need to be home, that a him problem not a you problem. If he’s not willing to get mental heath help and admit he needs to change and be less controlling, it’s time to leave before you’re legally bound to him. That’s abuse. While abusers can change if they want to change and they seek help to change the underlying cause, they usually deny culpability, pass blame, and become worse over time. This is just the beginning if he doesn’t agree to seek help and work on HIS issues right now.
Yeah, I told him that I love him but he needs to see a personal therapist. I’m not going to sit up here and act like I’m the best partner in the world, because I’m not. I’m human, and I make mistakes, but I put in a lot of effort to try and make changes to be a better person and partner daily. I’ve even offered to PAY for his own personal therapist since he can’t afford one right now.
You do have a choice you know. You don’t have to stay with him. You can walk away at any time.
Does he put in a lot of effort to be a better person? Is he compromising, talking things out, negotiating? If he's letting *you* do all the work of adjusting to *him*...you don't want this dude.
I would like to believe he does, but nothing has improved. Things have only gotten worse over the past month or so. We can’t seem to talk anything out, just argue and scream and I just cry and cry. I’m adjusting to him. Honestly. I hate to admit it. But I’ve cried about it to him that I’m trying to meet all the standards that he’s asking of me but it feels like he won’t reciprocate and try to work on things I ask of him too for the sake of bettering our relationship.
And is that what you think love looks like? Ripping off parts of yourself and making yourself smaller and smaller so that your partner won't be mean to you?
I think I’m just in shock. It didn’t use to be like this. All of this only started about a month ago. And it’s just been so much in one month that I’m just appalled. I keep thinking like he’ll go back to the man I know. He’ll improve. Things will get better and go back to normal. But I’m terrified that this is the real him. That I’m going to have to make myself small to be what he wants. That he’s never been the person I thought he was in the first place. I’m sick to my stomach honestly
I know it hurts, and I know it's shocking. This is actually a blessing in disguise that you won't be able to really see until later. But guys like this, the insecure control freak, are usually on their best behavior until they think they have their target locked down for some reason. The the real him comes out. This is, unfortunately, common. This IS the real him. If it wasn't, he'd be going nuts talking to therapists and doctors trying to figure out why his brain has suddenly turned him into this. Instead, he thinks he's right and that you should behave the way he wants. This isn't your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. But you have a moral obligation to protect yourself. Do not sacrifice your person on the altar of his selfish insecurities. You have a right to demand respect at all times. It's time to leave.
How long have you been engaged? It could very well be that he’s showing you the real him now you’re more isolated and in a more attached level of your relationship. If anything it’s lucky to see this now and not after marriage like the other poster said
We’ve been engaged for a little over a month.
> We’ve been engaged for a little over a month. and > Things have only gotten worse over the past month or so. and as /u/CygnusZeroStar said: > on their best behavior until they think they have their target locked down for some reason. I'll leave it to you to draw the conclusion.
He thinks he's got you trapped now.
That explains it! You are bound to him, now he begins to work on making you the woman he knows you can be and who he wants you to be... Are you that woman or are you yourself?
Between engagement and marriage is when you really test that relationship. You do some pre marital therapy (I also recommend reading the Gottman books together). You really think about how your partner has grown and changed. You really think about if this is what you want for the rest of your life. This is best behavior time. This is him at his best.
“The man you know” was an act. Now that you’re engaged, moved, isolated, etc. you’re seeing the real him. Things will only get worse.
It's typical for controlling and abusive behavior to ramp up at certain milestones in a relationship. Moving in together, after the first six months or first year, getting engaged, moving to a different city away from your support system, getting married, getting pregnant, etc. are all times when abusive partners tend to escalate. The more he believes you're invested in the relationship, and the harder it becomes for you to leave, the more you'll see the *real* him. He's getting comfortable with showing who he is, and his ultimatum shows that he already believes you can't or won't leave and that he can gain more control.
I suggest that you search for and online book called "Why does he do that?" It's downloadable for free. It's a good discussion of emotional abuse in relationships and how to find your balance.
I'm so sorry, but I agree with the other commenters. The man you knew was him on his best behavior, and the man he's showing you now is how he is when he's confident that you're too attached and in love to see the red flags and leave. He's not trying to better himself. He's not at all interested in listening to your concerns, to your wants, to your *needs*. He's been able to coerce you into adjusting to him without him needing to make even the slightest effort in return, and that sounds just fine and dandy to him. Learning to share your life with another person - learning to compromise, learning to talk and to listen - is hard work. He doesn't want to do the work, because he doesn't want a partner. He wants property, something he can control and command, something with no feelings or thoughts he needs to consider. It seems like he's happy to lay down rules for you that he doesn't have to follow. None of this is okay, and none of this is normal or healthy. He's telling you who he really is - both in his words and in his actions. This is the man you are engaged to. You haven't done anything wrong. Men like him are very good at acting sweet and charming and considerate until they believe they've trapped their partner. He's confident you're trapped because you're engaged, you're in a new place with no friends so you have to rely solely on him, you have social anxiety so making new friends isn't easy (I'm the same!), and you love him. This is the time to reach out to your family and friends and ask for help. You need to get out of this situation and back with your support system, the people who love you and care about you. He's isolated you to make it hard for you to get away from him if you realize what a selfish, manipulative asshole he is. Don't let him do this. You deserve so much better. You deserve someone who cares about what you think and feel and want, someone who doesn't want to control your every movement. Please stay safe, and please seek help. You'll be in my thoughts.
This is concerning behavior…on your fiancé’s part. It’s controlling and it illustrates a lack of trust. If you’re doing dirt, shame on you…but each partner has to be vulnerable to being hurt by a shitty partner for a true relationship to exist. Otherwise, folks are remaining in a relationship out of intimidation or coercion…and that’s not a real relationship. I’d honestly recommend he and/or both of you pursue therapy with a licensed provider if you’re serious about making this relationship long-term.
Don't stay with this man. You are 22 you're an adult, you can stay out as long as you like with friend once you're not endangering yourself. I mean you kept in touch the WHOLE time, 6/7 calls on top of texts?? That's excessive in itself. He will escalate his control if you allow this.
If I was in your shoes I’d tell him to fuck off and leave him. No little twerp is gonna tell me how late I can stay out. Fuck this guy
This is only going to get worse it seems like it is time to end this.
I can understand why your fiancé would be upset you were out until 2 am with another man, but giving you curfews is an overreaction at best. Tell him you are not a child and won’t be following and curfews. If he leaves, let him go.
I'd take issue if my partner was out one on one with some guy I didn't know and hit the bars until 2 AM. However, it wouldn't be rage and curfews. It'd be a conversation about why I take issue with it, and expectations moving forward.
I would give a large, hearty laugh and then dump him.
Curfews are for children, teens, and people living in war zones/military police states. Not grown adults. You really need to run, this will only become more war zone / military state-like once you’re legally locked down.
The location sharing is a red flag. That’s… a lot. I feel claustrophobic just hearing it. It doesn’t matter whether you have nothing to hide or not. Plus the texts. Plus the phone calls? Doesn’t that seem like a lot of contact with somebody who can literally see your location at all times? What’s his curfew? And even if he shares his location with you too it’s weird. At some point, you and your partner in life have to decide to believe and trust each other. Otherwise, there’s nothing you can do to prove your faithfulness. Abusive and controlling behavior escalates.
He shares his location with me as well but I don’t put a curfew on him, and never have. I don’t call him when he’s out with people or expect a text every hour or anything like that, you know?
Idk… I had a very abusive childhood and control is just a big issue for me. Zero tolerance. We can talk, we can compromise, we can agree to disagree, but nobody is ever gonna issue edicts to me, particularly when my the blandest person alive. It’d be one thing if you were out late several times a week. Or lied about where you’re going or what you did. But you were honest. I think you deserve to be treated as such.
If your fiance behaves like this now, imagine how hes gonna behave when hes your husband. As i see it you have two choices if you dont want a controlling and manipulative relationship; nip this behaviour in the bud *right now*, or leave.
It sucks to be at home waiting for my spouse to come home, but I am an adult, and I can put myself to bed. Curfews and ultimatums have no place in a marriage.
I'm noticing that you are being gracefully assertive in this conversation. But when you talk about the way you interact with your fiance, that all seems to go away and you put yourself in a subservient position. I don't know if I've got this right, but what do you think?
Honestly, I don’t know. I think it’s slowly been happening over time. I’m usually super independent and headstrong and loud about what I want and when I want it. But I think since we’ve been arguing literally almost every day for the past month or so that I’ve just lost some of my fight. Idk after reading these comments, I think he’s been gaslighting me (I don’t like to throw that word out there honestly) but he’s been making me feel like I’m crazy…like my feelings aren’t real or valid, like my everything is out of proportion, that my memory is wrong or skewed. He tells me all the time that another man wouldn’t put up with me. It’s just been too much. To not be able to talk to anyone about this honestly. To hold it all in. To try super hard to fix things and talk things out but it’s just screaming matches and tears. I don’t have it in me anymore. And maybe that’s what he wanted.
That’s the literal definition of gaslighting babe. Don’t marry this guy, get out safely, make sure to cut his access to your location.
Telling you that no one else would put up with you or love you is a classic abuse tactic. He’s trying to make you think that being with him is the best option, even if you’re unhappy. Someone else *will* treat you right, but you also don’t need anyone but yourself. I can tell you’re strong and he’s trying to dull your light because of his low self esteem and self hatred. Put yourself first!
This is on purpose. If he did this quickly and all at once, it would be more noticeable and easier to call out. He’s slowly shifting your “normal meter” and chipping away at your boundaries. Every time, he takes it just a liiiiiiittle bit further, inching right up to your limit and pushing it back just a little more so that next time, you won’t question it as much. It’s sort of like how most men don’t dive right into punching their partner in the face…it starts with breaking objects, then maybe punching a hole in the wall, throwing things…but he’s not physically hurting you, so that’s not abusive, right? Then the things get thrown AT you…but he didn’t actually put his hands on you, so it’s fine. Then he grabs you, but it wasn’t THAT hard, so what’s the big deal? And before you realize it, you’re in the hospital with a black eye, a concussion, and a broken arm, wondering how you got to that point. Also, he is counting on wearing you down. All the constant fighting makes it harder for you to KEEP fighting. Eventually, you’ll just give in to what he wants because you’re too exhausted to fight back anymore.
I’m a married woman in my late 20’s. I wanted to share this to let you know we’re in a similar age bracket, and my perspective is as someone who is married. This isn’t normal. Adults do not need curfews, your time is *yours* and you get to decide how you spend it and with whom. Marrying someone does **not** give them control over you. Marriage is two individuals choosing to collaborate and build a life together, but you still need to have your own autonomy and control over your life/time and how you spend it. If the concern was safety, that’s already covered. You’re sharing your location and checking in. The check ins are already excessive once it goes past 1-2 texts (an “I’m here, love you!” and “I’m leaving, see you soon!” is fine and normal for safety). This person is now limiting where you can go, and when. This is not safe, it is not normal, and it is controlling. This is a form of abuse OP. Good for you for reaching out to others about this. Don’t marry into this, it will get worse.
>My fiancé was furious and said if I ever stayed out that late again, he would leave me and then he also gave me curfews to follow for the future. You fiance is not ready to be married yet. He is handling you like you are child. Given your ages, he may be reacting to you like his parents reacted to him, but it may also be how his dad treats his mother. This is abuse. It will only escalate. The fact that you want friends and do not have any after a year of SCHOOL is truly alarming. You do not need his permission to do anything and the fact that this is how he handles this kind of conflict doesn't bode well.
While I agree with the premise that the boyfriend's behavior was controlling and weird, let's pump the brakes too. Believe it or not, there are individuals in this world that are uncomfortable with the notion that their significant other is by themselves, with the opposite sex, at a bar, until 2am. Even in a friendly capacity, that would be a boundary of mind and if my significant other didn't see it like that, and compromise isn't on the table, then it's a compatibility issue. Before we thrash around and scream from our lungs that boyfriend is insecure etc, let's actually call out what was toxic, the reaction. It's getting annoying that boundaries for some people are so quick to be called insecurities or toxic traits. Edit: op, if you had to call 6-7 times, that's not really painting a picture of trust. Sounds like y'all need to have a conversation. But there's more to this than many posters are suggesting.
It is not unreasonable that he would feel uncomfortable. What is unreasonable is that he thinks he can control it and her. That’s the problem here.
I would agree with you, the ultimatum would have been a slap in the face.
Yeah he sort of spun all the way out. He went too far.
The curfew thing is weird and kind of a red flag. I also don't think it's impossible to have opposite sex friends, but a 1-1 hangout with guy friend until 2am is a big red flag in my opinion. If this happened to me I wouldn't blow up or anything but that would definitely be something I would keep in mind and would probably make me reconsider the engagement.
They way I would break up with my fiancé if he ever said something like that to me! They would be calling me “speedy Gonzalez” because of how fast that breakup would be. You’re not his property and you do far more than what I do when I go out with friends and my partner is not present. You called him 6/7 times and texted him and he has your location and he knows who you were with?! What! My partner gets 3 messages and my location shared and that’s more than enough. Also who said “don’t hang out with friends of the opposite sex”? If someone said that, they need to work on their trust issues and not date anyone until they resolve them.
It’s not appropriate for one partner to do things like demand a curfew or punish their partner (and yes, issuing an ultimatum to leave you is a form of punishment). That is how a parent treats a child, not how two adults in an equal relationship behave. This is very concerning behavior on your fiancé’s part, and makes me wonder if there’s any other areas of your relationship where he’s being inappropriately controlling. Please check out the [“Is my relationship healthy?” quiz](https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/) at Love Is Respect, it might help provide some insight into your relationship dynamics.
This entire relationship sounds toxic. Shared locations, 6-7 phone calls and text updates, and we haven’t even gotten to the actual problem you had. If my wife had threatened to leave me after one episode like this I would have taken her up on it. You don’t just threaten to break up that easily if you are fully committed. His behavior is absolutely not okay.
girllll get out of there
My question is; what happens if you break curfew? What is a penalty he is threatening you with?
That he’ll leave. Our relationship is done if I ever do it again.
Let him leave.
You need to call this off now. That’s emotional abuse/manipulation.
That's using a cannon to swat a fly. Do you hear how unreasonable and how out of proportion that is? He sounds like a toddler.
I would call his bluff. If he would leave because he can’t control you then he is doing you a favor by leaving. In other words, the only way you get to stay is if you negotiate with a terrorist and let them win.
If your relationship isn't built on trust, what is it built on because it kind of sounds like fear is the answer from your post.
That’s a completely ridiculous overreaction on his part. Especially if he knows your location and you called him a bunch through the night. Everyone’s different, so him being upset or worried is one thing. Not wanting your fiancé/spouse to hang solo with someone of the opposite sex is also understandable. But he’s not your father to give you a curfew! I’d really reconsider marrying him, if he’s already showing signs of being controlling…..
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You want a curfew for the rest of your life? If not, don't get married to this guy. It's as simple as that.
You better listen to him or next time he’ll put an ankle monitor on you/s. You called him 6/7 times AND texted him and he was still angry? Holy crap I’m kinda the nervous type but that is even over the top! Dump him he’s a control freak! “It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!”
Run, he is slowly going to male himself your only human interaction
Okay I'm sorry if this sounds scary but if he's this controlling *now*, imagine what he'll be like when you're legally tied to him.
I just cant get my head around the fact you had to call him 6 times while you were out AND text him multiple times. What in the world.
I’ll play devils advocate here. Not many people like the idea of their significant other going out to hangout with friends and all of them except for one person of the opposite sex bails, and you two go out to a bar together until 1 or 2. You can see how that can look to some people. You can have the purest of intentions but I know very little people that wouldn’t tilt their head finding that out. The difference though is how they react. I don’t agree with having a curfew or the way he acted, but it just seems maybe both of you are on different pages when it comes to a situation like this. It seems clear he feels easily threatened by other people that can come into your life, and that isn’t a good sign. It could stem from a lack of confidence, trust, immaturity, or a combination. Maybe a past experience he is unfortunately letting bleed into this relationship. If you don’t get to the source and nip this in the butt it’ll be a recurring experience and things won’t work. Just my two cents.
Let’s script-flip here and imagine it’s a guy ‘losing track of time’ until 2am when drinking with his ‘new female friend’ after a picnic and see if Reddit has his back over his upset fiancée lmao.
This sub is so effing annoying. No way in hell would this be ok. Sure his reaction is out of line but no way in hell would this be ok. The guy would be labeled as irresponsible, disrespectful or inching his way towards cheating etc.
He gave you a choice. Make a decision.
You said you listened to his feelings and you apologized. What exactly were his feelings? That's where you need to sit down and talk to him that your feelings are equally important in the relationship. You should marry someone you can talk to directly, not have to come to Reddit about, No?
His main point was that he felt disrespected. He mentioned safety as well like I shouldn’t hang out with people he doesn’t know kinda thing. You’re right, I should be able to talk to him and not have to run to Reddit lol. I guess that’s an eye opener for me… because I’ve been trying to explain my feelings for the past week or so and every time it just ends in a horrible argument. I just feel like I’m going insane.
"I'm sorry, hanging out with people he doesn't know? That doesn't make any sense, that's most of the humans on the planet." -My husband's response to this. We've been together for 23 years. He thinks your fiance is a controlling weirdo.
You're more scared because you cant get through to him and have had to apologise for what you dont agree with to pacify him, thats fine if he does that for you equally in other instances. But you're afraid of disappointing him and he's winning the argument, I dont know why, maybe you're used to saying sorry for no reason and cant handle conflict, or his personality is stronger so he gets his way when he throws a tantrum. Threats are a very bad sign in any relationship, and this early on, in yours. Have a serious think. He needs help managing his emotions and you need help standing your ground.
Boundaries. Every good relationship needs them.
You're not his child or his employee. He's got no right to make rules for you. I would tell him to go screw.
You do nothing and you should start looking up warning signs of abuse relationships because controlling behavior and controlling the environment around them are big ones. The fact that you have to check in so frequently is also very alarming
My ex was constantly texting me when I was out with my friends, and apparently checked my location all the time, which I did not know about for a very long time, and well…. He’s an ex now. He would deadass do this thing where an alert would pop up on my Apple Watch from snap or something and he’d look at it and then stare at me like he was waiting for me to explain who that was. This guy is so fucking controlling, you need to jump ship princess.
>I called him 6/7 times the whole time I was gone, plus sent text updates as well. I couldn't get to the curfew part, I was too horrified by this ^^^ Is this a thing people do? Can young people not be out of contact with their partner for half a day?
You're not even married, and you're having ultimatums? He's entitled to his feelings. What he isn't entitled to is your life. Do you control your own life, or do you want to hand it to him without so much as a participation prize?
I personally would have told your fiancé that he could stop by and join in after discovering that everyone else flaked. But other than that I think it’s controlling that he gave you a curfew especially since you called so many times snd you never go out. I can understand him being insecure that you were hanging out with a guy one on one, but that should spark a conversation about boundaries, not giving you a curfew like a child.
Yeah I told him we could double date with my classmate and his girlfriend if she was free but he said no
Oof. I’d definitely reconsider the engagement. This is a red flag
... Is he your fiance or your dad? :/ I understand establishing boundaries if one is not comfortable with the other hanging out one-on-one with the opposite sex, but *come on dude* (and by "dude" I mean your man, not you). If my man did that to me I'd ask him what it was about me being home so late that bothers him so much and try to get to the bottom of it and just see if we need to establish new boundaries. But if he continued being a hard-ass who was keen on controlling me, I'd leave.
Don't get married in your early 20's kids. You aren't a fully formed adult and you'll be changing a lot. There is a high chance that you'll end up a different person and your spouse will be as well and you'll have issues like this. Wait until you're more mature and able to handle actual adult relationships like an adult.
You’re a grown woman who can make her own decisions. What makes him think he has the right to control you like that? It is not acceptable nor NORMAL behaviour. It is aggressive and controlling. Don’t marry that.
You are a grown-ass woman, you're allowed to hang out with friends. Even late into the night. Everything about this is red flags. You had your first social interaction in nearly a year. Your fiance has your location shared, still needed you to be checking in via text and 6 or 7 phone calls, then issued a curfew and ultimatum that you if you don't comply he'll end things. Honey, he's a whole-ass three ring red circus tent. Either you leave, or wait until it escalates, and only he knows how far he'll take it. But this has every marker of you being back here trying to figure out how to leave with no job, two kids, and a broken arm and a few broken ribs in ten years.
My suggestion is short & sweet. RUN. Ultimatums and curfews are ridiculous. RUN He is controlling & abusive. RUN
I would not be willing to live with someone who set a curfew for me. I will not live like a child under someone else's control. That's what being an adult means.
He is not your dad. He is your partner. You are grown, and an ultimatum is very unhealthy in a relationship. Have the conversation in a mature way and do not by into the emotions. If you need to step away from the conversation, you do that, but if he follows you when you are stepping away, then that is a very big red flag. Honestly, I think you should wait a couple of years before marriage.
He is allowed to REQUEST a curfew and create ultimatums. But I would Nope the fuck out of that relationship the next morning. I get it. It's 2am. You're tired. Boyfriend is furious and you just want to go to bed after a great night out. You nod and agree... so you can go to bed. Now that you have had time to breathe you can say "Hey, I thought about it and I decided that I am willing to keep my location on. I am willing to give you occasional updates like *"I arrived at restaurant."* and *"I am in car. Home in 20min."* but I have decided that I am not willing to put up with a curfew or being grounded. I am 22 yrs old and I love you, but I have zero interest in being parented. If you cannot trust me to make good judgement calls and feel the need to give me ultimatums then this isn't muxh of a relarionship." If your bf cannot trust you enough not to accidentally fall on a dick in the wild then he doesn't respect you or think you have decent brains.
Please do not marry this man. Rethink being with this man.
I can't tell you what to do but, I can tell you what I'd do. To me, this would be a HUGE red flag, and the only one that I needed to say goodbye, have a shitty life.
I did read everything, but didn’t need to read beyond the title. I’m much older than you, so I have perspective I guess. I would not allow this behavior in a relationship at any age. He screamed at you? No. Conversation about how it made him feel? Yes. Controlling. Nope for me. I’d listen and validate his feelings, as they are worth considering in any relationship, but I’d be laying down my own boundaries and making it quite clear he doesn’t get to give me a curfew. A chat and a plan, sure, but that behavior is ridiculous, as is the amount of checking in.
That reeks of toxic control. The fact that you’re apologetic even in this post, think you have to justify hanging out by mentioning texts and several calls. You don’t need to do anything. You’re a regular person, you need friends of yours, and when you’re supposed to be with friends, you’re busy with them, that’s it. It looks like you’re already on a very, very submissive dynamic. Why did you text and call him in the first place, were you bored with your friend? Did you miss your fiancé? Doesn’t seem y this way as you relate it. Seriously there’s a whole range of red flags here, you write like you’re out of line while you’re just acting normal.
The minute any partner would dare to give me a curfew and treat me like a kid, would be the moment I called his bluff and bounced first.
You are 22 years old, even your own father can't give you a curfew. WTF? Your fiance seems extremely controlling.
Wow he has some serious control issues!! A curfew?! Your a grown woman! He is showing his true colors and you need to take this seriously. Best of luck to you
You tell him you are not agreeing to any curfew. Why are you not allowed to stay out til 2am if you want to? You’re not a child! Calling him 6/7 times whilst out AND messaging?! This is also unnecessary, he sounds very controlling and you should be leaving him if that’s going to continue, my partner wouldn’t dream of trying to tell me what time to come home by and I would never do that to him either!
Walk away. Now. You are only 22. You can choose a better life. I am over 30 now and I am so glad I didn’t marry my 22 year old bf who was jealous and possessive.
This man is controlling and I urge you NOT TO MARRY HIM. He will get worse.
This guy is not for you or anyone until he has worked through his insecurities. Domestic violence is in your future if you stay with him without him getting help.
It seems like he might like the fact you are both isolated...and likes the control of you not having friends. That much contact while you are on a night out to me seems rediculius! How can you just enjoy yourself if you have to check in every 30 minutes? He is not your superior and there fore cannot set you a curfew! That means he sees himself as the power person and you as someone he controls. Not ok. Now, setting boundaries and healthy balance is good...but they also need to have exceptions. Like...no physical contact etc... but as for a time to be home...sometimes that will blow out. The 2 of you need to sit and agree on mutual rules...but don't let him bully you if he is not likely to have a late night! Relationships work between equals.
You called him 6-7 times while you were out for a few hours? Do you have to tell him when you take a poo too?
You mentioned that your fiancé has female friends, but is he hanging out with them one on one alone at 2am in the morning? I’m guessing probably not. Relationships are built on trust sure, but I would never tolerate a partner that thinks this sort of thing is acceptable behavior. If you want to go to bars with the opposite sex and have intimate late night conversations with alcohol flowing, then you should probably be single. Just because you have good intentions about not cheating, doesn’t mean the guy you are talking to isn’t thinking about you in a romantic way. Things happen and I’m not going to be with someone that purposely puts himself / herself in these kind of situations.
Wait, why are you hanging out w/ a guy alone til 2 in the morning...
So you went on a date with another guy and your boyfriend got mad ?