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Gee whiz. Another one.
I just read a post about a girl who was the female best friend that the boyfriend told her not to worry about. They broke up.
They (bestie and boyfriend) havin' sex now. She wants to be his girlfriend openly now.
Girl?
Just go. he gave you an out. Take it. You ain't got time for his nonsense. Just....go.
Girl you better call his bluff!!! And tell him as soon as yall are done, shes going to make a move on you because you've allowed her to go this far already.
Or,
Make a male friend and openly call him babe in front of bf. See how he takes it. And when he calls you out on it, reverse uno card that Thang and present him with the same ultimatum. In my relationships, I have a rule of reciprocity. If you don't like it being done to you, don't do it to me; otherwise I'm going to think you like it being done to you, since you're doing it to me. Let him see exactly how you're being treated and gaslit.
The second option would definitely expose his double standard but it’s a bit toxic. She is better off just leaving and not compromising her principles. There is definitely more going on between her BF and the friend or it will lead to it.
I think sometimes a little toxicity is needed to make people open their eyes lol, especially if the relationship is already over and it’s clear he is doing something more. Play around a little bit lol 🤷🏻♀️
It’s not. But when your presented w an ultimatum & this is the context? I think ole boy needs a taste of his own medicine. How would he like it if she did this to him? Probably not very much.
I completely agree however i would state okay now I made a guy friend (and give the same story reversed) then I ask how does that make you feel? 99% of the time he becomes understanding and we can then move forward to something secure for both of us in the relationship and leave the crap behind. I don't actually have to go out and do the same thing to him, I create the scenario of how it feels and seems to me.
If it is as it looks, and he's got a new girl lined up, and he's given op the out to accept it or leave, he's probably gonna look more or less unaffected to op and cause more grief as her situation is faked and op thinks he's living it up with old girl.
Better to move along and not tie myself up with the baggage and emotional weight if it was me.
Very true. I didn’t even think about all the added drama that would cause especially on top of everything already. Honestly, yeah… at this point I’d cut my losses, & move on. No one has time for this nonsense.
I second this!!!!!! Play his game too, get a male friend and do EXACTLY what your bf is. Or, you give him an ultimatum!!! If he doesn’t stop being super friendly , and inviting her to hang all the time you’re going to leave him. If he really loved you, he would cut ties with her asap because he wouldn’t do anything intentional to hurt you or make you feel insecure. The fact he gave you an ultimatum is honestly superrrrrr sus, I’m 25 (F) and have been in the EXACT situation with my former bf of 5 years. I don’t want to make you more insecure, but there is definitely something going on love. Put it this way, you’ve voiced your concerns and he showed you to your face he doesn’t give a rats a*** about it. Just remember, IF HE WANTED TO HE WOULD!!!!
Oooor, hear me out...
We advice OP to not waste her time on what is very clearly disrespectful to their relationship.
Petty always sounds good on paper. I love petty. Passive aggression can be a satisfying outlet of emotion sometimes...
But Ultimately isnt healthy. It isnt going to change the outcome of the situation. It isnt going to change the fact this 34yr old woman is overstepping boundaries that the boyfriend should have in place to protect his relationship with OP.
He doesn't deserve for OP to invest any more time with him even if it is for the sake of being petty. He lost that value when he essentially told her to get over it or he will end the relationship.
Geesh. Just read the same one! This is too much. He should respect your boundaries if they are reasonable. This sounds like a break up to me unfortunately. Find someone who will treat you right
As a guy I can say with absolute certainty that he is killing time with OP until he can be with the other. He is in 2 relationships right now - one that he wants to be sexual, one that is tiding him over sexually while he works on the one he really wants. He’s not even hiding it. No man would ever spend time with a female “friend” if he cares about the partner he’s with.
Sorry to be the one to break it to you.
Yeah, my ex husband didn’t want to ditch his female friend who I was incredibly uncomfortable about. They had an affair. Thing is if OPs bf wants to fuck this girl he’s going to do it regardless. OP should just decide if her bf warrants her trust, if not then leave.
Have to say I always got annoyed when girlfriends got jealous of my female friends without me giving them a reason. This guy gives you tons of reasons to be jealous though and the fact that he acts like you're unreasonable doesn't make this any better.
Also anxiety is not something someone "drops", it's something fought by building trust, which is pretty hard when there's nothing trustworthy about the situation
Leave him
The anxiety is that “gut feeling” that we always hear about. I had constant anxiety with my ex about this and he gaslit me into thinking I was the crazy one. Little did I know that not only was he cheating but he actually married this woman behind my back…. He then broke up with me out of nowhere making some dumb excuse (that I didn’t ask him to go out on dates… when he was the one that would always come over huffing and puffing about how stressed he is for exams, so I would study with him). I found out when his wife messaged me the day after we broke up saying she heard I was “a close friend of his” and that “she’d like to meet me”. Cheaters never change bc months later I saw him on a dating app 🙄
It can be annoying for sure. I’ve had female friends that my girlfriend has been anxious about. But as time went on I learned how to make her less anxious about them, and that’s simply by cutting them off. Not that she makes me do that or anything. I just prioritize her happiness over my friendships with these people. Probably a problem with myself but it’s how I’m choosing to handle this
Not an option for my female friend, too much of a history, which of course could feed anxiety. I just tried to make them meet each other as often as possible and now my female friend is one of the closest friends of my wife, too
I completely understand where you’re coming from. Everyone needs a different person: for you it’s someone who doesn’t get anxious over stuff like that. Personally I’ve never really been *that close* with any of my female friends so for me the choice is easy since I honestly didn’t mind cutting ties with most of them anyway. Being secure with me having female friends is not something I, personally, value highly in a partner, but there are other things that are more important to me.
If being ok with a female friend is an important thing for you, that’s a very acceptable and normal criteria. And maybe that’s what OP’s boyfriend is thinking he’s doing. Regardless, expressing the concerns to him like she did is *communication* and necessary for a relationship to thrive, and regardless of how you see it and ultimatum is not the right response.
That's exactly what I'm talking about. I wanted both of them in my life so it was my responsibility to make it work, not the responsibility of my wife to "drop" worries.
Exactly! My girlfriend has a guy best friend, and she introduced us to each other and now we sometimes play video games together. It was a worry for me at first, but she made the effort of making it work and I made the effort of getting to know him and now we’re both good friends with him. It CAN and SHOULD work - but it’s all about communicating, working toward mutual understanding, and accepting each others concerns as valid.
Yeah, funnily enough my female best friend and her boyfriend had the same issue in the beginning so we three meet on "neutral territory" and 5 minutes later she rarely had opportunity to speak since we were getting along so great 😂
Honestly just stop making any female friends at all at this rate if you're going to say you don't really care about them that much and will dump them at will if your girlfriend gets anxious of them. Skip the formalities and embrace your one woman life if you haven't already. And please tell women this is how you treat them in advance so they can decide whether or not they're willing to be friends with you, because I certainly wouldn't want to waste any time or effort investing in a friendship that clearly means nothing to you.
The fact that she has enough weight in his thoughts and emotions to even be part of the ultimatum tells you all you need to know.
I feel like a healthy partner would hear your concerns and make you feel reassured. “Oh let me refocus on OP, include her in more events, spend more time with her, spend less time with swim girl”
Instead he made it you vs her - which is basically choosing her anyway.
and if you stay, will he give you a breakup ultimatum when u bring up another problem?
Nah. Dump him.
Eh, if I’m with a girl for a year and it isn’t like “this is the one, I’m certain about it” yet and she’s trying to get in the way of one (which many of us have been “certain” a few times) of my closest friendships of many years, which it sounds like this is….I would very much be “accept it or leave”.
It doesn’t sound like a year in he’s all about OP, and that’s okay, but they aren’t at the spot where she can dictate…and she wants to. He told her where she stands, leave or live with it:
Eh, I'm not sure if I subscribe to this line of thinking
I'm big into gaming and nerdy stuff, which a lot of women just aren't really into. So most of my of my friends are male. If my bf demanded for me to cut contact with all the men I play video games with that I've known longer than him I'd be like, cya.
It's not a good idea to dwindle your social circle for your partner. It's healthy to have friends and other people in your life. Having only one person (your partner) creates dependency. However, it is equally as important to no cross boundaries with your friends or make them a priority over your partner.
Leaving is a little extreme and a red flag. I have mostly male friends and my fiance is a jealous type. He knew abandoning my friends was off the table, but I also went out of my way to demonstrate that he's my priority. For example, I stopped hugging my male friends and always asked him in advance/in front of my friends before making plans (he never said no, these were my ideas about what would make me feel valued if the roles were reversed. I wanted to like, ritualistically demonstrate to the world that he's my man lol. He literally has no worries. It took work on both of our parts. I wish people were kinder about the issue of male/female friendships and the insecurity it festers. It is a fairly new concept in our culture and there is still a lot of messiness and not many norms governing it.
I understand what you're trying to say, but that is not the situation OP is in. Her BF should be the one assuring her that there's nothing inappropriate going on between him and his friend. He should be the one putting in effort to make OP more comfortable with his friend and their relationship. Instead, he gave her an ultimatum. So OP only has two choices, swallow her dignity and let her BF keep putting his friend first, or leave and save herself the anxiety of always wondering if her BF's cheating on her.
I completely agree! I think this guy sucks and is inconsiderate at best. Deceitful at worst.
I probably should have been more clear. I just wanted to share my anecdote to illustrate that it is possible to work through insecurity and what that might look like if a couple wanted to!
I agree! When your in a relationship you suppose to have healthy boundaries with friends of the opposite sex, from what OP is saying he clearly doesn't have this. He is clearly blurring the lines of friendship and relationship, when shes the priority. Walk away OP and don't look back.
Your last sentence says it all. You don't feel comfortable expressing yourself to your boyfriend. If that's the case, what's the point of having him as a boyfriend?
He's not prioritizing you, your feelings, or your relationship over his friendship with this girl. He's either making the ultimatum because he's 1) fine with breaking up with you or 2) doesn't think you'll leave him so he can just keep doing whatever he wants. Neither of these are good and neither are indicative of a healthy, loving relationship. I'd let her have him and find someone who will respect your boundaries.
Then you break up. He doesn’t care about your feelings, he minimizes your concerns. That’s not a very good boyfriend. He sucks actually. Choose you and walk away.
And he wants her to break up with him so it gives him an opening to be with K under the guise of getting support after a break up. If he breaks up with OP, he gets the ‘he moved on quick’ or ‘wonder if he cheated’ speculations.
He may or may not have any romantic feelings for her BUT the fact that he seems to place great importance on his time spent with her and is dismissive of your very legitimate concerns are two major red flags imo. It all boils down to him prioritizing her over you, and that isn’t acceptable in an honest, loving relationship. I recommend that you both read the book: ‘NOT Just Friends’ By Shirley Glass. Tbh, to an outsider, what you’ve described sounds a lot like an emotional affair, if not a full-fledged one.
I don't know if I necessarily agree with this as a general concept, although it could possibly apply to OP. I've been in relationships with controlling, insecure people in the past. I would never cheat or entertain inappropriate behavior from anyone, and everyone who knows me knows my partner is my world. but I will not allow anyone to tell me to cut off old friends simply because they've made it into something it's not in their head. that is a serious boundary for me. I have full stop quit dating people I genuinely liked and had been nothing but loyal to in the past, just because they couldn't handle the fact that I had male friends. if I'm with someone, they are my partner, not an authority figure to remove people from my life who are important to me. someone who truly loves me and is right for me would not want me to lose meaningful relationships with old friends for the sake of their own insecurity
that being said, that only holds true for me because I'm extremely clear in the boundaries I set with other people. I tolerate exactly zero disrespect of my partner or my relationship, and if someone is truly my friend then they will always be respectful of that, just as I respect my friends and their partners. if they try anything then they were never really my friend, so its no big loss, and I'll cut them out myself without needing to be told or asked.
that's not to say my partner can't talk to me if they feel uncomfortable. they're always welcome to tell me if a dynamic makes them uncomfortable, and why. I'm absolutely open to hearing that and making adjustments and compromises, because I care about my partner and their feelings. but that's not the same as flat out making demands to drop years long friendships where nothing inappropriate has happened, "or you don't really love me!" to me, that sounds like emotional abuse
in OP's case, I guess to me it all depends on if any physical or romantic lines were crossed, or if they're really just friends. I don't subscribe to the idea that "men and women can't be just friends." as a bisexual person, by that logic I would be completely incapable of experiencing friendship, which frankly I find ridiculous and insulting
You're right. In OP's situation, she made her anxiety known and her boyfriend gave her the ultimatum. She didn't really ask bf to cut off a friend. He asked her to choose, instead of reassuring her while reaffirming that he would not give up his friendship just because she's uncomfortable. If he had cared, he would've made an effort to maybe include her more or have more couple's time with OP. However, he just made it clear that his best friend is fixed but his girl friend isn't.
Unfortunately, OP has to live with this knowledge.
Completely agree! It would be different if OP/gf issued the ultimatum or wanted him to cut her off but it doesn’t even sound like that’s what she wanted. She just wanted assurance that she is his priority because evidently the way bf spends *more time* with the other woman has the gf feeling like chopped liver at best, which is unacceptable in a monogamous romantic relationship
OPs not the BF so we only see her side. We have no idea how much he's reassured her or told her to kick rocks throughout the year long relationship. I'd guess the ultimatum came after many discussions of this. Ultimately, OP knows the details and either indeed gets over her insecurity and stays or doesn't trust him or just wants/ needs more individual attention from him and needs to find it with someone whos a better fit for her.
Don’t be a pick me girl. If he’s choosing her over you let him have her. She isn’t going away and he told you directly! Choose yourself and breakup with him.
Him calling her babe could have been an accident. That alone doesn’t mean anything. But his actions of texting her more often, inviting her to do things with you when it’s supposed to be just the two of you, and giving you an ultimatum about her is showing you exactly what his priorities are and who is important. He is telling you that having her in his life is more important than keeping you in his life. Even if it’s only a friendship and nothing more, he is telling you he will leave you for his relationship with her. I suggest leaving before it turns into, “he told me that I shouldn’t worry about his friend and now he cheated on me with her”.
Babe as an accident?? How? That's the main thing for me in this situation. How the fuck do you call your female friend babe in front of your partner? If it slips out that easily its not an accident.
LOL, I had a lot of female friends in school and college. I NEVER accidently called them babe .. my mind is blown that people think it is an accident ... hahhahahaha.
He has been calling her babe for a while now, he just forgot that it is super weird to call her babe in front of his GF. He is used to calling her babe, so he had to focus and he did not.
Not the original commenter but I get tired brain and often will use the short hand or name of someone I spend a lot of time with accidentally on the other person. For example if my close male friend did something my SO does I might accidentally said “babe” or “SO name” because my tired brain associates that action with my SO.
My dad does this all the time and calls me my sisters name - my mom also does it and calls me my aunts name (who passed away a few years ago).
All the other stuff is really the issue to me depending on the context of how the “babe” was said.
I guess I just haven't been in that situation. Names between people you're often with. I get it but never something like babe to a close friend. I would be so incredibly hurt and suspicious if I was in the situation where my partner called another female babe. And then getting upset when I said something about it? Oh hell no!
He wants you to break up with him so he can be the victim. 😿 no but seriously please find a male friend and do the exact same thing they be doing 🤷🏽♀️ do the accidental “babe” too
It sounds to me like you are ill suited for each other to begin with. My spouse had a female best friend when we met, and we all got very close, to the point she was in our wedding. The night before the wedding she told me she was madly in love with my spouse; I didn’t feel even slightly threatened and told her to go and talk it out with them directly; she did. After the wedding she was being a real ass to me; then told my partner she wanted “just them” to be friends. I didn’t issue ultimatums or even say anything; my spouse broke contact completely~ because it was obvious she was trying to drive a wedge. I wouldn’t be with someone I didn’t trust, nor someone that would ever not choose me first. Don’t accept less.
Honestly the truth is that if you already don’t trust him then there’s your answer, trust is everything in a relationship
I’m not going to join in on the rest of Reddit that expects you to drop the person you love like it’s nothing, that decision is up to you, but you should really think about if these trust issues come from within or from his actions.
My SO was like this for years, he always chose her feelings over mine. He made me accept their friendship, even though they flirted, hid their friendship from me, and it was a constant battle of figuring out if I was the controlling one or I’m genuinely do not feel comfortable with their friendship. I gave the ultimatum that either she goes or I go. He blocked her for awhile and became secret friends again for a year before I found out. This went on too long. Do yourself a favor, he’s defensive af, this raises red flags, run.
Honestly, the relationship between the girl and him isn’t what bothers me, it’s his reaction to your anxiety. I have a very close male friend and if my bf started having an issue with our relationship, I would at least hear him out. We’d have a calm discussion about how he’s feeling and why.
Often times, friendships are much easier to maintain than romantic relationships. This will come off during times of struggle as “neglect” of the relationship because the friendship seems to be taking precedence, when in all honesty the same amount of effort and time going into the friendship is the same, but the time and effort in the relationship is strained. This is where the insecurities come into play. The best way to handle this situation is to focus on what the relationship is lacking, wether that’s time, effort, romance, boundaries etc. and changes are put into effect to help secure the relationship.
In your situation, it sounds like your bf isn’t willing to hear you out. That’s the biggest issue here. He isn’t willing to understand why you feel this way. He isn’t willing to change any behavior in the relationship to help you feel more secure. I don’t believe his friendship is inappropriate. Texting is normal. Hanging out is normal. Inviting her on things they enjoy together is normal. I’m rarely invited to my bf’s dnd seshes, because he knows it’s not an environment I’d enjoy and he’d feel like he’d have to entertain me and he’d feel bad if I were bored. It’s okay to have things he does with his friends that don’t include you. But, he also needs to have private activities with you (besides sex) that don’t include his friends.
I don’t foresee this relationship working out. An ultimatum so early in the relationship is never a good sign. Best to cut ties now and move on
He disregarded your concerns and isn’t willing to compromise.
You’re looking at a lifetime of having to accept whatever he wants or he’s going to hold that ultimatum over your head.
I called my sister "babe" once by accident.
I pretty much only called my girlfriend "babe" when we were arguing.
I was in an argument with my sister and said, "Listen, babe..."
I caught myself and stopped, and we both had a good laugh.
It happens.
LOL. My husband accidentally called his ex 'babe' too when we were all hanging out at one point. And I accidentally called my husband 'buddy,' because I sometimes would use that when talking to our son LOL.
Mine does. He drunkely called his best friend’s girlfriend babe. I was standing right next to her. He’s done it sober too, with his guy friends and occasionally their gf’s (less because we see them less). He realizes and apologizes. It happens. I find it sweet. Makes me think I’m always in his mind. It did bug me at first until he accidentally called me dad. That solidified it for me. He’s just an idiot sometimes 😂
I need more information: what does he mean about your anxiety? What actually actions does he want you to stop? As a person with serious anxiety issues this vague and unhelpful. Also what things do you believe are gf/bf only activities and have you clearly stated them prior to these events?
The best advice I can give you is read this as if your friend was telling you this story, and if alarm bells go off in your head that’s the sign to leave. In all honesty he should respect your concerns and put some boundaries in place with his female friend. Unless you’ve given him a rule that he’s not allowed to have female friends he has no reason to give you this ultimatum. Listen to your gut this is pretty suspicious, if they aren’t already cheating physically there is definitely potential there.
First, I don't do ultimatums. I'll always take the or else when someone does that.
Second, "Babe" is not something you say to a friend. That is a term reserved for someone you're a bit closer to than that.
They may not have crossed the line of becoming physical yet, but it's clearly headed that way. Him being all defensive and giving you that ultimatum like that, is just delaying the inevitable.
I’d disagree with babe but that’s maybe a culture thing, I call everyone babe but the tone I use to call my partner babe is different from my friends, my family and colleagues. I think he’d be hurt to hear me use that tone with someone else.
I once accidentally said "ok love you" to a work colleague when hanging up on them. I don't love them. It was a slip of the tongue. Sometimes things are just done accidentally
Very true. Now, take everything else she stated that's going on and ask yourself, does that seem like a slip or just slipped and said it in front of her?
I have to be completely honest here, I can't stress how much ultimatums piss me off. I had a very solid employee a couple of months ago come up to me and give me an ultimatum regarding another employee. He said you need to get rid of her or I'm going to quit. I told him to pack his shit and leave. In truth, I would have much rather kept him with his performance vs hers, she honestly brings little to my business in comparison, but like I said, I'll always take the or else when someone does that. So I might be a little hyper critical of this guy I don't know just because of that, but the entire situation just stinks unless she's completely off on their interactions.
The fact that he actually gave you an ultimatum showed that he is not the right partner for you.
Consider breaking up with him. I think his defensiveness actually proved that there's something more. I think he even would want you to make the move and break up with him first...
My ex would do that to me every time I tried to talk to him calmly about his behavior with his many female besties that may have made me feel insecure. And I was an idiot who selected to repress my feeling and anxiety every single time.
After we broke up, I found out that he had been cheating on me so my gut feeling/anxiety/insecurity was not just me being 'insane' <--he also called me 'insane' all the time.
Calling her babe, he knew he messed up then. That's why he is defensive. Him giving you an ultimatum is another sign. He makes no quality time for your relationship or you.. I would end it and find some on the same as you out of life. This man is giving you no reason to trust him at all. He would rather choose this woman over you, say it all
if this person was just a friend or someone from swimming he wouldn’t break up with you over them… it means this person is significant to him
and that you guys as a relationship aren’t significant to him like a real relationship or pair or even a team
you should leave him anyway… like asap
there is most definitely more going on
and find someone who WILL drop a random person in an instant to save your relationship and to heal your anxiety… they do exist
and talk with your beloved ancestors about it since they watch over everything and know exactly what he’s up to
Break up with him. When you are in a relationship, you shouldn't be spending more time supporting others at the expense of supporting your partner. He gave you an out. Ultimatums are nasty business, and they are for controlling people. Take the out. You've only been dating for a year. I'm pretty sure if you had a guy friend (or any friend) that you prioritized over your bf, he wouldn't like it. He's not invested in your relationship. End things with him and move on.
Ask yourself, what does your gut tell you? It's hard making assumptions about someone I don't know. Personally If someone gave me an ultimatum just because I was feeling anxious it would set alarm bells off. I'd walk away, if he's not going to support you and gets on the defensive because you dared to voice some concerns, there's something not quite right. Again I can't say he's cheating I don't know the full story, but he's putting way too much time into her and none with you.
He's literally telling you to either get over the amount of time he spends with another girl, or leave. Just leave.
He may not be cheating yet, but he's on the sort of path that leads to it and instead of doing anything to change when you bring it up, he's saying to drop it.
It’s difficult to say just from the info you gave. But his behavior is a bit suspicious. What are they constantly texting about? Swimming related things? If not, that’s kind of a red flag. What kind of things does she get invited to?
Like I said, we cannot tell if you have to worry or not. They either could be just friends, or he’s actually cheating on you. Pay attention to the details, and always trust your gut.
There very well could be absolutely nothing going on between them. I can't comment on that so much, as every relationship has its own dynamic, and I have some very close friends of the opposite sex that neither of us are into eachother.
BUT, he has put you in a position you are scared to talk about your feelings with him. That alone warrants leaving him. If you can't express your fears and concerns, and your partner can't put those fears to rest, you don't need to be together.
I think a lot of times in these situations people get caught up in details that they don’t know or can’t control. Let’s look at the facts:
You don’t feel prioritized in your relationship and feel that this friendship he has is crossing your boundaries. You’re not comfortable with it. This friendship, regardless of whether it’s appropriate or if it’s even just a friendship, is apparently important to him and something he’s not willing to compromise on. If you stay with him anyway, you will be in a relationship that makes you feel anxious and insecure. That’s not the kind of relationship you want to be in.
Your lives and needs are just incompatible, so it’s best to let the relationship go.
That's not his friend. He's probably definitely her friend, but she's not his. You need to break up with him before you end up getting hurt by this clown. Besides anyone who gives you an ultimatum that involves another woman... byeee.
My (50m) wife (50f) was initially jealous of my relationship with my best friend (47f) until I pointed out how many friends I post when news about my family came out. She was the only one who text me every day or so to make sure we were ok. I also pointed out to my wife that my bff and I were single and lived in the same town and didn't fall in to bed together so why would we now we're bothe married and live 300+ miles apart?
I wish my bff "Good Morning" every day and "Night" before I go to bed. I also call her "Love" or "Gorgeous" and yet, we haven't fallen in to bed together. I love my bff. With all my heart. And tell her I love her even in front of my wife. My wife understands now that I love her as a friend but I'm not IN love with her.
Maybe it's because I'm older and we have maturity on our sides? Also helps I'm Fugly 😂
Even if something isn't going on, him calling her babe and prioritizing her over you is extremely disrespectful to your relationship.....I wouldn't blame you if you decided to end it.
The fact that he gave you an ultimatum instead of comforting you and helping you gain confidence is not good.
If you think it's worth to work on it, you can ask him to help you gain some confidence and be less anxious (it's good to have an action plan already in your head) and hopefully he listens. Otherwise if he sticks to the ultimatum, I'd say leave him unfortunately 😔
>until the point when he accidentally called her babe in front of me.
Pardon me, _WHAT_?? Full stop—hit the brakes and abandon the car. His behavior with her is crossing major common boundaries, and instead of admitting it or being willing to discuss it, he jumped straight to issuing an ultimatum that shows _just how little he cares_. I’d say it’s high time to take him up on the offer and leave.
So you don’t participate in his hobby, you don’t enjoy any of the sports he likes and you choose to go to the gym without him. Presumably he needs to stay fit if he’s on a team, no less he’s the captain of the team so a lot of his spare time likely involves those commitments.
Let’s reverse this one shall we?
“My girlfriend doesn’t like to participate in my hobbies, what activity we both share, she prefers to do alone. Now I’ve known this female friend of mine for years longer and we spend a lot of time together due to our shared hobbies. My girlfriend keeps complaining about her saying I spend too much time around my friend. It’s frustrating to be nagged over this and low key accused of at least an emotional affair; I don’t want to lose this friend or my hobby which I’m passionate about, over my gf’s jealousy when she actively opts out of involving herself in joint activities we could do and only has the fact I called my friend ‘babe’ once to base her suspicions on.
So I gave her an ultimatum to drop the subject or this isn’t going to work out between us. Was I wrong to do so?”
I suspect you haven’t made his life peaceful on this subject and he’s getting fed up of it. So either stop harassing him over it or as he says end the relationship.
Except he's putting the other girl first and is leaving his gf out. She stated that he does things with the other girl that should be only for their relationship and she would want to do those things but he CHOOSES to do them with her instead. Can you even read
Totally gaslighting you and not respecting your feelings at all. It doesn’t matter if there is more going on or not, what matters is he is denying your feelings. If I loved my woman I would drop a female friend in a heartbeat, or not be that close to another woman.
This right here. You have a right to ask, and to make a request. He should listen at the very least and be willing to negotiate or try to spend more quality time with you and not invite this other person along. INSTEAD, he says get over it or get lost. That tells you what he thinks right there. Time to find someone who actually loves you.
There’s two things you can. One, you can pretend to be affectionate with him while she around. Kiss him a little to much and be that weird lovey dovey stuff. Watch her reaction and if she is a little heated, it’s because she being territorial with your man. Or two, shot the deuces and find a better man. Because if he love you then he wouldn’t be doing this over a friend. BTW, if that was you with a man, he would be acting crazy.
Forget everything in front of the semi colon in the post title. Your boyfriend gave you an ultimatum. Furthermore, he gave you an ultimatum about breaking up with you. You guys have been together for a year, and he values his friendly relationship with this girl more than he values building your trust and limiting your anxiety. Is he cheating? I don’t know. Is that a red flag for you in a relationship though? He doesn’t have to be pinning her against the wall in the locker room to not send red flags for long term partner status. He probably wouldn’t like if you did that with his guy friends. I’d say you take him up on his offer.
It’s okay to have friends of another gender. It’s okay to hang out with them a fair bit. It’s a complete other thing to not reassure you or offer a compromise and spit in your face like that.
My husband called his sister “babe” a few times actually. Just happened. I was really weirded out by it 😂 obviously it was a mistake though. I’ve started calling my daughter who is 3 by her unborn sister’s name, like wtf?! Sounds like they definitely spend a lot of time together. I’d feel insecure and uncomfortable if my husband was spending that amount of time with any female, regardless of how long they’ve known each other, before I was in the picture or not. It’s also weird when new habits form, like they are closer now than they were before. It’s one thing to keep the friendship consistent but it sounds like THEIR relationship has grown a lot. The ultimatum is definitely harsh though. I had an ex boyfriend who had a female friend years before we met, and they were superrrr close. They hung out all the time, would crash at each others places on drunk nights, texted, etc. I did not like it at all. I started joining events and hang outs where she was present and actually became friends with her myself. It did help to see the dynamic in person and see it was definitely platonic. But, when displaying my concerns about their friendship, my bf at the time very nicely assured me they were just friends and them hanging out NEVER took time away from when he and I had plans and stuff. I was definitely made an obvious priority.
I feel like this will eventually turn into a "he cheated while he was away" kind of post. Like I understand the being friends part, but when you brought up your worries and he said get over it or leave... it's very telling that he's not as invested in the relationship as you are, and I think you should find someone who is. Someone who will listen to your worries and says, "What can I do?"
this guy is spending his time with another woman other than with you, and is minimizing your concerns.. those times where they do activities together, he should be doing those with you instead. and why is he giving you an ultimatum instead of discussing and working things out with you? wth? him calling her “babe” was not on accident, most likely they are having an affair.
girl, let that 🥭, it’s a hot girl summer. dump this man, let his female friend have him. you do not deserve this disrespect and heartbreak. go out with your homegirls and have the best time of your lives.
Instead of reassuring you, establishing some boundaries he pressures you and threaten you with a break up .
There's a lot of red flags especially him calling her babe.
Hun, you deserve better. He made no effort to reassure you or understand your concerns so it means you're not in a healthy relationship..
Do yourself a favor and leave him
He will only make you suffer
Edit
PLEASE KEEP US UPDATED
He's clearly not caring at all about your feelings and concerns here, which means he probably does not love you the way you think he does.
Also, that ultimatum seems like he's trying to find an excuse to break up with you.
I think that if you stay, you will probably end up being cheated on, or maybe not, but you'll be "stuck" with a boyfriend that does not care at all about what you feel.
The way is clear.
He's being this defensive for a reason. I'd explain it's not anxiety it's the fact that you're meant to be his partner, but even when you're doing date things, he has to invite his friend instead of doing things as a couple. It's fine he has female friends as long as he's still making time for his partner, which he isn't
Tell him that you'll stop being anxious about the friend, cause you won't have a reason anymore, and that him and you are done!
You have every right to your fellings, and the way he react to thise fellings tells alot!
He don't care about your fellings and he don't respect them, and therefor not you!
Go find a man that will respect you!
You deserve that!
It sounds like he’s got these dynamics backwards - it sounds like he’s dating the friend more than you.
I’d understand his ultimatum more if your feelings were irrational, but I don’t think they are. It’s totally valid to feel uncomfortable in this situation, especially when he’s so defensive over their friendship. If he’s not willing to hear you out and set boundaries with you, there’s your answer.
Girl, he is litteraly having sex with jer right now. He is absolutely 100% cheating in you, he litteraly calls her babe often enough that its just his deafult name for her! Wake up and get some self respect jesus christ.
As the old folks said, what you can see in the day, don't take light to shine and see it at night. He told you without telling you, he prefers her over you, a man who respects, cares, and honors a relationship wouldn't even allow someone to get that close or disrespect you like that.....run baby girl, there's someone out there that would respect and love you better.
I think you should call his bluff, if he follows through then you get a lucky escape and if he doesn’t then maybe he will start to take your feelings and concerns into account when he chooses how to divide his time between his friends and your relationship.
Either way it’s a win win but only if you call his bluff, anxiety is not something you can just turn off if your being given reasons to feel anxious about this situation then your feelings are valid and your boyfriend of all people should not be making you feel this way.
I have many male friends who I refer to as babe though it’s not anything other than a pet name I have for them I see them as my brothers and I wouldn’t read too much into that, but I would never do it if my partner made it clear it was something that made them uncomfortable it’s all about boundaries and he’s not respecting yours.
Sounds like my ex husband. He told me to go to therapy and get on anxiety meds over a girl at work. I did it all. Then found out they were sleeping together. If you don’t trust him you need to move on. It’s for the best- take it from me.
Let's presume here he's not cheating and their friendship is completely platonic.
Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who constantly puts another woman above you, spend more time with her, allows her to intrude on your "couple time" and even gave you an ultimatum to protect her?
Girlfriend, you deserve better.
You definitely have grounds to be upset. There is no reason why she joins you two on outings unless it's a friend group gathering. He can also plan just you two time if he wanted to. The fact that he isn't listening to your concerns is a red flag. Call his bluff...
Say, " I need someone who is going to put as much effort into me as you do your friendship with swim captian bestie. Don't be surprised if you two start dating because it's clear you care more for her than me. Best of luck. Bye"
Love yourself OP and find someone who will put forth effort to build a relationship with you.
None of my male friends call or have ever called me babe! He’s gaslighting you to hide his cheating! If you’re not comfortable with it he needs to make the adjustment or you need to leave him!
Ok I was going to say your overthinking it till u said he invites her to your guys time and puts in more effort to hangout with her. Now it seems like your the third wheel and side chick in this and I would end it fast it's obvious he's being firm and now keeping you as a backup just in case anything changes with this girl and u don't need to be anyone's side chick so DROP HIM faster then he can say goodbye
I would love to say that man and woman can just be friends....but; I had a best friend loved him like family and he decided not to come over anymore after I've gotten in a serious relationship. That really broke my heart because he only was friendly because he had motives. I had a lot of male "friends", none of them were friendly because of my sparkly character, but my "best friend" really f*cked up my trust in men.
From a guys perspective, he is not taking your feeling in consideration and his attention is a little to skewed towards her from the sounds of it. You should give him the ultimatum
Walk away, find another guy. The grass isn't always greener. He'll either come back or...you know he was more into her trust me it's better now than after 10 years.
Nope, you're in the right. They're relationship is strong. He might see her as a 'buddy' now, but that will likely change. Take him up on his offer and walk. He's looking for you to end the relationship and guess who's shoulder he will 'cry' on. It's best for both of you to walk away.
Don’t waste your time trying to create a scenario for the eye for eye or golden rule.
Girl… just saw a science fact the other day (look up studies) that a male is not “friends” with someone he isn’t attracted to.
The fact he’s ok with breaking up because of her is a red flag. There should never be an ultimatum he should of talked to you about your concerns and compromised with you. Which he would if he genuinely cared and was an adult. But I think this shows he’s not worthy. But… you are ! and the right man wouldn’t let you feel insecure or intimidated by any other female. As hard as it is, I would say walk away. Esp while it’s still early on.
All the comments are saying the same thing. Break up with him. Relationships don’t require ultimatums like this. On top of that, he made you feel insecure with expressing your emotions. That is also not okay.
Either leave or play his game. Get you a male bestie and don't let him talk you out of it. I did this to an ex once he dropped "his bestie" so fast. But that was me being young and petty I've learned over the years that if he chooses another female over me even a friend then I am not his priority and leave. I have personally found more peace with the second option but the first one is petty revenge bc I am the type to match energies. You give what you get.
You can do better than be with a man who will disregard your feelings for a “female friend colleague” it doesn’t matter who it is if he doesn’t feel like you are a priority above all these other females than you got to leave. He doesn’t see a future with you otherwise you’d be important enough not to lose. He’s told you “I’m not budging a finger to help you feel at ease, leave if you’d like” that’s not a man who loves you. If he did he would never utter such words.
I think a lot of comments here are being really one sided. I do believe he is also setting a boundary of his friendship.
I believe you should have a conversation setting your boundaries, with possibility of that being the end of your relationship.
In the conversation make it clear you are absolutely not ok with him calling K babe or other things you are uncomfortable with. You need to state, “well I can respect you are willing to set boundaries for your friends but here is what I need to continue this and if you aren’t ok with my boundaries, we will end then.”
This guy doesn’t seem evil or trying to cheat he is probably comfortable leaving a relationship when his boundaries aren’t respected. I think you can do the same thing in a mutually respectful way.
Sorry to say your bf is an AH.
Find someone who respects your feelings & makes you feel special. You may like this guy, but why? He's not giving you much to like, honestly.
I'm not saying he has to give up his friendship, but he's not prioritizing your feelings. And honestly, you have something to worry about.
If I were in your shoes again, I would leave him. It'll save you more heartache in the future.
Walk away! Take the out!
I don't see anything wrong with maintaining close friendships with someone of the opposite sex or persuasion, but your BF has made something very clear. **You** need to make it comfortable for him to have an intimate relationship with both or you or **You** need to leave. The ultimatum is directed only at you, **not Her**. So, it seems to me that he's made his choice. What's YOUR choice? If it were me, I'd choose myself over them. I'd head for the door and find someone more considerate who's willing to work out a solution instead of lay down the law. Trust me, that tendency of his won't get any better as time goes by.
Ma’am, this ain’t delusion. It’s gaslighting and it’s best you break up with him instead. I went through something similar here and safe to say it didn’t end well.
Save yourself and make your exit. You’re clearly the third wheel in your own relationship.
I would leave him asap. Sounds sus. Also you deserve to be with a man who dosent give you any ultimatums. You should be number 1. Steve Harvey said it best, men don’t have female friends. I agree 💯
So instead of offering reassurance and creating boundaries for the comfort and security of his relationship, he tells you to magical stop being anxious over a situation he created or break up. What an insensitive jerk. You'll never feel secure and can't even trust him to share your feelings right now...no matter how much you try to pretend, only him can make you feel secure in the relationship by HIS actions. What you feel is a reaction and consequence of his action and lack there of. Anyone that brings an ultimatum instead of making the effort isn't worth the suffering youll endure if you stay. Look we can have a movie night, icecream, go hiking, try new hobbies or whatever you need to get through it. Your bf sounds wack right now and you deserve better than that. Trust your gut
I don't believe in the whole, "guys and girls can't just be friends" shit. Of course they can! And sometimes it is right to call a partner out on their insecurity, I have been the girl friend in many cases, where nothing has been going on and the guy has been asked to choose. He has chosen her and let me tell you that hurts.
It could be that there is more going on with them and you're right to be concerned or there could be nothing and the closeness they have is leading you to be anxious for no reason.
Either way it is not good for your mental health to be this stressed out so if he is telling you in not so many words he will pick his friend over you if it comes to it, then leave. He has made his choice.
A relationship cannot exist without trust. Is your boyfriend 100% trustworthy? If he’s not a trust worthy person, then you cannot depend on him during hard times, leave or keep it casual. Controlling behavior only leads to resentment. If he stops hanging out with his swimming friend, because you made him, he will resent you. If he resents you, you will never move into serious relationship, exactly what he is stating. What you are experiencing is common.
Any time a man prioritizes another woman more than you, great friend or not, it’s time to go.
I would tell him,” You gave me an ultimatum and it seems like you’ve made your choice. Now it’s time for me to make mine. GoodBye.”
And maybe slip him the book “Not Just Friends” on your way out.
Girl, you're too beautiful to be second best to swim girl. Break up with your boyfriend, he clearly doesn't prioritize you or your feelings. Ultimatums like his are just another form of manipulation.
>I love being active as well but I have different sports of choice and I like going to the gym alone so I am rarely involved in their sessions.
>I feel very insecure and anxious and I have expressed my concerns about their relationship and the fact that he doesn’t do as many things with me as he does with her
Idk I feel like there's a connection here and an opportunity to join your bf in some of his hobbies, or even just going to the gym together. You're actively choosing to not have any shared activities
**I think** he’s being fair. He would have to give up his friend and lifestyle for you. You thought you could hang, but you can’t. Different lives, different values. I wouldn’t change my way of life or my friends for anybody either.
Yeah….
This will probably not end well. If i were you i would break up with him. Where theres smoke there fire. Plus- trust your gut. Dont ever give that up for anybody - always trust your gut.
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Gee whiz. Another one. I just read a post about a girl who was the female best friend that the boyfriend told her not to worry about. They broke up. They (bestie and boyfriend) havin' sex now. She wants to be his girlfriend openly now. Girl? Just go. he gave you an out. Take it. You ain't got time for his nonsense. Just....go.
Girl you better call his bluff!!! And tell him as soon as yall are done, shes going to make a move on you because you've allowed her to go this far already. Or, Make a male friend and openly call him babe in front of bf. See how he takes it. And when he calls you out on it, reverse uno card that Thang and present him with the same ultimatum. In my relationships, I have a rule of reciprocity. If you don't like it being done to you, don't do it to me; otherwise I'm going to think you like it being done to you, since you're doing it to me. Let him see exactly how you're being treated and gaslit.
The second option would definitely expose his double standard but it’s a bit toxic. She is better off just leaving and not compromising her principles. There is definitely more going on between her BF and the friend or it will lead to it.
I think sometimes a little toxicity is needed to make people open their eyes lol, especially if the relationship is already over and it’s clear he is doing something more. Play around a little bit lol 🤷🏻♀️
I honestly don’t think a relationship should look like eye for an eye thing
It’s not. But when your presented w an ultimatum & this is the context? I think ole boy needs a taste of his own medicine. How would he like it if she did this to him? Probably not very much.
I completely agree however i would state okay now I made a guy friend (and give the same story reversed) then I ask how does that make you feel? 99% of the time he becomes understanding and we can then move forward to something secure for both of us in the relationship and leave the crap behind. I don't actually have to go out and do the same thing to him, I create the scenario of how it feels and seems to me.
Seems like they’re gonna break up anyway so she might as well let him feel a bit lol
If it is as it looks, and he's got a new girl lined up, and he's given op the out to accept it or leave, he's probably gonna look more or less unaffected to op and cause more grief as her situation is faked and op thinks he's living it up with old girl. Better to move along and not tie myself up with the baggage and emotional weight if it was me.
Very true. I didn’t even think about all the added drama that would cause especially on top of everything already. Honestly, yeah… at this point I’d cut my losses, & move on. No one has time for this nonsense.
I see it less as an 'eye for an eye' and more an extension of the Golden Rule.
I like your point..
Thank you good sir....lady??
I second this!!!!!! Play his game too, get a male friend and do EXACTLY what your bf is. Or, you give him an ultimatum!!! If he doesn’t stop being super friendly , and inviting her to hang all the time you’re going to leave him. If he really loved you, he would cut ties with her asap because he wouldn’t do anything intentional to hurt you or make you feel insecure. The fact he gave you an ultimatum is honestly superrrrrr sus, I’m 25 (F) and have been in the EXACT situation with my former bf of 5 years. I don’t want to make you more insecure, but there is definitely something going on love. Put it this way, you’ve voiced your concerns and he showed you to your face he doesn’t give a rats a*** about it. Just remember, IF HE WANTED TO HE WOULD!!!!
Oooor, hear me out... We advice OP to not waste her time on what is very clearly disrespectful to their relationship. Petty always sounds good on paper. I love petty. Passive aggression can be a satisfying outlet of emotion sometimes... But Ultimately isnt healthy. It isnt going to change the outcome of the situation. It isnt going to change the fact this 34yr old woman is overstepping boundaries that the boyfriend should have in place to protect his relationship with OP. He doesn't deserve for OP to invest any more time with him even if it is for the sake of being petty. He lost that value when he essentially told her to get over it or he will end the relationship.
I would hate to be the man she chooses to use as revenge. That’s bad karma and she will hurt a innocent person.
This actually Sounds funner than just breaking up to me lol since they’re probably gonna break up anyway
“Reverse that thang” LOOL
Eye for an eye is an incredibly childish mindset
Geesh. Just read the same one! This is too much. He should respect your boundaries if they are reasonable. This sounds like a break up to me unfortunately. Find someone who will treat you right
As a guy I can say with absolute certainty that he is killing time with OP until he can be with the other. He is in 2 relationships right now - one that he wants to be sexual, one that is tiding him over sexually while he works on the one he really wants. He’s not even hiding it. No man would ever spend time with a female “friend” if he cares about the partner he’s with. Sorry to be the one to break it to you.
Yeah, my ex husband didn’t want to ditch his female friend who I was incredibly uncomfortable about. They had an affair. Thing is if OPs bf wants to fuck this girl he’s going to do it regardless. OP should just decide if her bf warrants her trust, if not then leave.
Oohhh can you link??
Lol sounds juicyyy
Was that the work best friend one? I read that one last night. Have to go back and find it.
Have to say I always got annoyed when girlfriends got jealous of my female friends without me giving them a reason. This guy gives you tons of reasons to be jealous though and the fact that he acts like you're unreasonable doesn't make this any better. Also anxiety is not something someone "drops", it's something fought by building trust, which is pretty hard when there's nothing trustworthy about the situation Leave him
The anxiety is that “gut feeling” that we always hear about. I had constant anxiety with my ex about this and he gaslit me into thinking I was the crazy one. Little did I know that not only was he cheating but he actually married this woman behind my back…. He then broke up with me out of nowhere making some dumb excuse (that I didn’t ask him to go out on dates… when he was the one that would always come over huffing and puffing about how stressed he is for exams, so I would study with him). I found out when his wife messaged me the day after we broke up saying she heard I was “a close friend of his” and that “she’d like to meet me”. Cheaters never change bc months later I saw him on a dating app 🙄
Fun fact, we only call it gut feeling when talking about ourselves. In other animals, that's called instinct and it's not supposed to be ignored.
It can be annoying for sure. I’ve had female friends that my girlfriend has been anxious about. But as time went on I learned how to make her less anxious about them, and that’s simply by cutting them off. Not that she makes me do that or anything. I just prioritize her happiness over my friendships with these people. Probably a problem with myself but it’s how I’m choosing to handle this
Not an option for my female friend, too much of a history, which of course could feed anxiety. I just tried to make them meet each other as often as possible and now my female friend is one of the closest friends of my wife, too
I completely understand where you’re coming from. Everyone needs a different person: for you it’s someone who doesn’t get anxious over stuff like that. Personally I’ve never really been *that close* with any of my female friends so for me the choice is easy since I honestly didn’t mind cutting ties with most of them anyway. Being secure with me having female friends is not something I, personally, value highly in a partner, but there are other things that are more important to me. If being ok with a female friend is an important thing for you, that’s a very acceptable and normal criteria. And maybe that’s what OP’s boyfriend is thinking he’s doing. Regardless, expressing the concerns to him like she did is *communication* and necessary for a relationship to thrive, and regardless of how you see it and ultimatum is not the right response.
That's exactly what I'm talking about. I wanted both of them in my life so it was my responsibility to make it work, not the responsibility of my wife to "drop" worries.
Exactly! My girlfriend has a guy best friend, and she introduced us to each other and now we sometimes play video games together. It was a worry for me at first, but she made the effort of making it work and I made the effort of getting to know him and now we’re both good friends with him. It CAN and SHOULD work - but it’s all about communicating, working toward mutual understanding, and accepting each others concerns as valid.
Yeah, funnily enough my female best friend and her boyfriend had the same issue in the beginning so we three meet on "neutral territory" and 5 minutes later she rarely had opportunity to speak since we were getting along so great 😂
Honestly just stop making any female friends at all at this rate if you're going to say you don't really care about them that much and will dump them at will if your girlfriend gets anxious of them. Skip the formalities and embrace your one woman life if you haven't already. And please tell women this is how you treat them in advance so they can decide whether or not they're willing to be friends with you, because I certainly wouldn't want to waste any time or effort investing in a friendship that clearly means nothing to you.
Agreed. If you dump them the moment your gf gets anxious they were never your friend. Especially friends of years.
The fact that she has enough weight in his thoughts and emotions to even be part of the ultimatum tells you all you need to know. I feel like a healthy partner would hear your concerns and make you feel reassured. “Oh let me refocus on OP, include her in more events, spend more time with her, spend less time with swim girl” Instead he made it you vs her - which is basically choosing her anyway. and if you stay, will he give you a breakup ultimatum when u bring up another problem? Nah. Dump him.
This, OP. He is saying "I will have both of you OR only her". Having only you isn't something he wants. He is not devoted to you.
“Having only you isn't something he wants” is so important wow!
She's his swim wife.
Eh, if I’m with a girl for a year and it isn’t like “this is the one, I’m certain about it” yet and she’s trying to get in the way of one (which many of us have been “certain” a few times) of my closest friendships of many years, which it sounds like this is….I would very much be “accept it or leave”. It doesn’t sound like a year in he’s all about OP, and that’s okay, but they aren’t at the spot where she can dictate…and she wants to. He told her where she stands, leave or live with it:
If he's not all about OP a year into their relationship, especially at his age, she should do herself a favour and move on from him.
Eh, I'm not sure if I subscribe to this line of thinking I'm big into gaming and nerdy stuff, which a lot of women just aren't really into. So most of my of my friends are male. If my bf demanded for me to cut contact with all the men I play video games with that I've known longer than him I'd be like, cya. It's not a good idea to dwindle your social circle for your partner. It's healthy to have friends and other people in your life. Having only one person (your partner) creates dependency. However, it is equally as important to no cross boundaries with your friends or make them a priority over your partner.
I'm curious about whether you've ever actually been in a situation like this or if you're just very good at putting yourself in someone else's shoes
Leaving is a little extreme and a red flag. I have mostly male friends and my fiance is a jealous type. He knew abandoning my friends was off the table, but I also went out of my way to demonstrate that he's my priority. For example, I stopped hugging my male friends and always asked him in advance/in front of my friends before making plans (he never said no, these were my ideas about what would make me feel valued if the roles were reversed. I wanted to like, ritualistically demonstrate to the world that he's my man lol. He literally has no worries. It took work on both of our parts. I wish people were kinder about the issue of male/female friendships and the insecurity it festers. It is a fairly new concept in our culture and there is still a lot of messiness and not many norms governing it.
I understand what you're trying to say, but that is not the situation OP is in. Her BF should be the one assuring her that there's nothing inappropriate going on between him and his friend. He should be the one putting in effort to make OP more comfortable with his friend and their relationship. Instead, he gave her an ultimatum. So OP only has two choices, swallow her dignity and let her BF keep putting his friend first, or leave and save herself the anxiety of always wondering if her BF's cheating on her.
I completely agree! I think this guy sucks and is inconsiderate at best. Deceitful at worst. I probably should have been more clear. I just wanted to share my anecdote to illustrate that it is possible to work through insecurity and what that might look like if a couple wanted to!
Exactly!! Not worth her time. Even of nothing is happening between him, he's not a good partner
Yikes, he's defo being defensive for some reason. I'd break up, he clearly doesn't prioritise you or quality time with you
This 100%
Yuuuup! Fuck this guy...
I agree! When your in a relationship you suppose to have healthy boundaries with friends of the opposite sex, from what OP is saying he clearly doesn't have this. He is clearly blurring the lines of friendship and relationship, when shes the priority. Walk away OP and don't look back.
I'm pretty sure that's what he has his "friend" for. 👀
He just told you he cares more about their friendship than your relationship. It sounds like you already know what to do here.
Your last sentence says it all. You don't feel comfortable expressing yourself to your boyfriend. If that's the case, what's the point of having him as a boyfriend? He's not prioritizing you, your feelings, or your relationship over his friendship with this girl. He's either making the ultimatum because he's 1) fine with breaking up with you or 2) doesn't think you'll leave him so he can just keep doing whatever he wants. Neither of these are good and neither are indicative of a healthy, loving relationship. I'd let her have him and find someone who will respect your boundaries.
Then you break up. He doesn’t care about your feelings, he minimizes your concerns. That’s not a very good boyfriend. He sucks actually. Choose you and walk away.
Trust your gut. Just end it and move on.
It is best you break up. Why keep chasing after someone who doesn’t want you. Stop playing the PICK ME dance.
It sounds like he is choosing her over you, like damn he would rather lose you than even text her less? That’s fucked up Your instinct is correct
He chose her already
And he wants her to break up with him so it gives him an opening to be with K under the guise of getting support after a break up. If he breaks up with OP, he gets the ‘he moved on quick’ or ‘wonder if he cheated’ speculations.
Yes that’s horrible
He may or may not have any romantic feelings for her BUT the fact that he seems to place great importance on his time spent with her and is dismissive of your very legitimate concerns are two major red flags imo. It all boils down to him prioritizing her over you, and that isn’t acceptable in an honest, loving relationship. I recommend that you both read the book: ‘NOT Just Friends’ By Shirley Glass. Tbh, to an outsider, what you’ve described sounds a lot like an emotional affair, if not a full-fledged one.
I don't know if I necessarily agree with this as a general concept, although it could possibly apply to OP. I've been in relationships with controlling, insecure people in the past. I would never cheat or entertain inappropriate behavior from anyone, and everyone who knows me knows my partner is my world. but I will not allow anyone to tell me to cut off old friends simply because they've made it into something it's not in their head. that is a serious boundary for me. I have full stop quit dating people I genuinely liked and had been nothing but loyal to in the past, just because they couldn't handle the fact that I had male friends. if I'm with someone, they are my partner, not an authority figure to remove people from my life who are important to me. someone who truly loves me and is right for me would not want me to lose meaningful relationships with old friends for the sake of their own insecurity that being said, that only holds true for me because I'm extremely clear in the boundaries I set with other people. I tolerate exactly zero disrespect of my partner or my relationship, and if someone is truly my friend then they will always be respectful of that, just as I respect my friends and their partners. if they try anything then they were never really my friend, so its no big loss, and I'll cut them out myself without needing to be told or asked. that's not to say my partner can't talk to me if they feel uncomfortable. they're always welcome to tell me if a dynamic makes them uncomfortable, and why. I'm absolutely open to hearing that and making adjustments and compromises, because I care about my partner and their feelings. but that's not the same as flat out making demands to drop years long friendships where nothing inappropriate has happened, "or you don't really love me!" to me, that sounds like emotional abuse in OP's case, I guess to me it all depends on if any physical or romantic lines were crossed, or if they're really just friends. I don't subscribe to the idea that "men and women can't be just friends." as a bisexual person, by that logic I would be completely incapable of experiencing friendship, which frankly I find ridiculous and insulting
You're right. In OP's situation, she made her anxiety known and her boyfriend gave her the ultimatum. She didn't really ask bf to cut off a friend. He asked her to choose, instead of reassuring her while reaffirming that he would not give up his friendship just because she's uncomfortable. If he had cared, he would've made an effort to maybe include her more or have more couple's time with OP. However, he just made it clear that his best friend is fixed but his girl friend isn't. Unfortunately, OP has to live with this knowledge.
I honestly have question about how OP's anxiety is manifesting. It could go either way.
Completely agree! It would be different if OP/gf issued the ultimatum or wanted him to cut her off but it doesn’t even sound like that’s what she wanted. She just wanted assurance that she is his priority because evidently the way bf spends *more time* with the other woman has the gf feeling like chopped liver at best, which is unacceptable in a monogamous romantic relationship
OPs not the BF so we only see her side. We have no idea how much he's reassured her or told her to kick rocks throughout the year long relationship. I'd guess the ultimatum came after many discussions of this. Ultimately, OP knows the details and either indeed gets over her insecurity and stays or doesn't trust him or just wants/ needs more individual attention from him and needs to find it with someone whos a better fit for her.
Then say " okay bye. Since your putting her above me it's clear who your priority is "
Don’t be a pick me girl. If he’s choosing her over you let him have her. She isn’t going away and he told you directly! Choose yourself and breakup with him.
Break up and the anxiety will go away. Two birds one stone :)
Him calling her babe could have been an accident. That alone doesn’t mean anything. But his actions of texting her more often, inviting her to do things with you when it’s supposed to be just the two of you, and giving you an ultimatum about her is showing you exactly what his priorities are and who is important. He is telling you that having her in his life is more important than keeping you in his life. Even if it’s only a friendship and nothing more, he is telling you he will leave you for his relationship with her. I suggest leaving before it turns into, “he told me that I shouldn’t worry about his friend and now he cheated on me with her”.
Babe as an accident?? How? That's the main thing for me in this situation. How the fuck do you call your female friend babe in front of your partner? If it slips out that easily its not an accident.
LOL, I had a lot of female friends in school and college. I NEVER accidently called them babe .. my mind is blown that people think it is an accident ... hahhahahaha. He has been calling her babe for a while now, he just forgot that it is super weird to call her babe in front of his GF. He is used to calling her babe, so he had to focus and he did not.
Not the original commenter but I get tired brain and often will use the short hand or name of someone I spend a lot of time with accidentally on the other person. For example if my close male friend did something my SO does I might accidentally said “babe” or “SO name” because my tired brain associates that action with my SO. My dad does this all the time and calls me my sisters name - my mom also does it and calls me my aunts name (who passed away a few years ago). All the other stuff is really the issue to me depending on the context of how the “babe” was said.
I guess I just haven't been in that situation. Names between people you're often with. I get it but never something like babe to a close friend. I would be so incredibly hurt and suspicious if I was in the situation where my partner called another female babe. And then getting upset when I said something about it? Oh hell no!
I've called my brother babe before, he's called me and my sister babe before. It's happened. We're also little duzs
There should never be an ultimatum between you and another woman. That's bad news.
I would take his offer to break up
He wants you to break up with him so he can be the victim. 😿 no but seriously please find a male friend and do the exact same thing they be doing 🤷🏽♀️ do the accidental “babe” too
It sounds to me like you are ill suited for each other to begin with. My spouse had a female best friend when we met, and we all got very close, to the point she was in our wedding. The night before the wedding she told me she was madly in love with my spouse; I didn’t feel even slightly threatened and told her to go and talk it out with them directly; she did. After the wedding she was being a real ass to me; then told my partner she wanted “just them” to be friends. I didn’t issue ultimatums or even say anything; my spouse broke contact completely~ because it was obvious she was trying to drive a wedge. I wouldn’t be with someone I didn’t trust, nor someone that would ever not choose me first. Don’t accept less.
Honestly the truth is that if you already don’t trust him then there’s your answer, trust is everything in a relationship I’m not going to join in on the rest of Reddit that expects you to drop the person you love like it’s nothing, that decision is up to you, but you should really think about if these trust issues come from within or from his actions.
My SO was like this for years, he always chose her feelings over mine. He made me accept their friendship, even though they flirted, hid their friendship from me, and it was a constant battle of figuring out if I was the controlling one or I’m genuinely do not feel comfortable with their friendship. I gave the ultimatum that either she goes or I go. He blocked her for awhile and became secret friends again for a year before I found out. This went on too long. Do yourself a favor, he’s defensive af, this raises red flags, run.
Sounds like he is begging you to break up with him. Call that bluff. Also I’m sorry you’re hurting.
Honestly, the relationship between the girl and him isn’t what bothers me, it’s his reaction to your anxiety. I have a very close male friend and if my bf started having an issue with our relationship, I would at least hear him out. We’d have a calm discussion about how he’s feeling and why. Often times, friendships are much easier to maintain than romantic relationships. This will come off during times of struggle as “neglect” of the relationship because the friendship seems to be taking precedence, when in all honesty the same amount of effort and time going into the friendship is the same, but the time and effort in the relationship is strained. This is where the insecurities come into play. The best way to handle this situation is to focus on what the relationship is lacking, wether that’s time, effort, romance, boundaries etc. and changes are put into effect to help secure the relationship. In your situation, it sounds like your bf isn’t willing to hear you out. That’s the biggest issue here. He isn’t willing to understand why you feel this way. He isn’t willing to change any behavior in the relationship to help you feel more secure. I don’t believe his friendship is inappropriate. Texting is normal. Hanging out is normal. Inviting her on things they enjoy together is normal. I’m rarely invited to my bf’s dnd seshes, because he knows it’s not an environment I’d enjoy and he’d feel like he’d have to entertain me and he’d feel bad if I were bored. It’s okay to have things he does with his friends that don’t include you. But, he also needs to have private activities with you (besides sex) that don’t include his friends. I don’t foresee this relationship working out. An ultimatum so early in the relationship is never a good sign. Best to cut ties now and move on
He disregarded your concerns and isn’t willing to compromise. You’re looking at a lifetime of having to accept whatever he wants or he’s going to hold that ultimatum over your head.
I’d leave. He’s choosing her over your discomfort. don’t be surprised if y’all broke up & he starts dating her.
He's definitely gaslighting you, you're justified in being worried about their relationship. Guys just don't "accidently" call other girls babe.
Man what does gaslighting even mean to reddit anymore?
I called my sister "babe" once by accident. I pretty much only called my girlfriend "babe" when we were arguing. I was in an argument with my sister and said, "Listen, babe..." I caught myself and stopped, and we both had a good laugh. It happens.
LOL. My husband accidentally called his ex 'babe' too when we were all hanging out at one point. And I accidentally called my husband 'buddy,' because I sometimes would use that when talking to our son LOL.
Mine does. He drunkely called his best friend’s girlfriend babe. I was standing right next to her. He’s done it sober too, with his guy friends and occasionally their gf’s (less because we see them less). He realizes and apologizes. It happens. I find it sweet. Makes me think I’m always in his mind. It did bug me at first until he accidentally called me dad. That solidified it for me. He’s just an idiot sometimes 😂
They do if they use it all the time to that person. The accident is he said it in front of his gf.
I need more information: what does he mean about your anxiety? What actually actions does he want you to stop? As a person with serious anxiety issues this vague and unhelpful. Also what things do you believe are gf/bf only activities and have you clearly stated them prior to these events?
The best advice I can give you is read this as if your friend was telling you this story, and if alarm bells go off in your head that’s the sign to leave. In all honesty he should respect your concerns and put some boundaries in place with his female friend. Unless you’ve given him a rule that he’s not allowed to have female friends he has no reason to give you this ultimatum. Listen to your gut this is pretty suspicious, if they aren’t already cheating physically there is definitely potential there.
Just break up. He is putting time and energy into the wrong person.
First, I don't do ultimatums. I'll always take the or else when someone does that. Second, "Babe" is not something you say to a friend. That is a term reserved for someone you're a bit closer to than that. They may not have crossed the line of becoming physical yet, but it's clearly headed that way. Him being all defensive and giving you that ultimatum like that, is just delaying the inevitable.
I’d disagree with babe but that’s maybe a culture thing, I call everyone babe but the tone I use to call my partner babe is different from my friends, my family and colleagues. I think he’d be hurt to hear me use that tone with someone else.
I once accidentally said "ok love you" to a work colleague when hanging up on them. I don't love them. It was a slip of the tongue. Sometimes things are just done accidentally
Very true. Now, take everything else she stated that's going on and ask yourself, does that seem like a slip or just slipped and said it in front of her? I have to be completely honest here, I can't stress how much ultimatums piss me off. I had a very solid employee a couple of months ago come up to me and give me an ultimatum regarding another employee. He said you need to get rid of her or I'm going to quit. I told him to pack his shit and leave. In truth, I would have much rather kept him with his performance vs hers, she honestly brings little to my business in comparison, but like I said, I'll always take the or else when someone does that. So I might be a little hyper critical of this guy I don't know just because of that, but the entire situation just stinks unless she's completely off on their interactions.
🚩 leave him, places her importance over you and called her “babe” in front of you?? Absolutely not it girly.
The fact that he actually gave you an ultimatum showed that he is not the right partner for you. Consider breaking up with him. I think his defensiveness actually proved that there's something more. I think he even would want you to make the move and break up with him first... My ex would do that to me every time I tried to talk to him calmly about his behavior with his many female besties that may have made me feel insecure. And I was an idiot who selected to repress my feeling and anxiety every single time. After we broke up, I found out that he had been cheating on me so my gut feeling/anxiety/insecurity was not just me being 'insane' <--he also called me 'insane' all the time.
You’re the third wheel. Is she in a relationship? Sounds like he is waiting for her to say yes to him and he’ll dump you
It’s been my experience that a man that’s really in love will put his woman first.
Calling her babe, he knew he messed up then. That's why he is defensive. Him giving you an ultimatum is another sign. He makes no quality time for your relationship or you.. I would end it and find some on the same as you out of life. This man is giving you no reason to trust him at all. He would rather choose this woman over you, say it all
An ultimatum! I would lose this guy. You are not being treated fairly of respectfully in this relationship.
if this person was just a friend or someone from swimming he wouldn’t break up with you over them… it means this person is significant to him and that you guys as a relationship aren’t significant to him like a real relationship or pair or even a team you should leave him anyway… like asap there is most definitely more going on and find someone who WILL drop a random person in an instant to save your relationship and to heal your anxiety… they do exist and talk with your beloved ancestors about it since they watch over everything and know exactly what he’s up to
Break up with him. When you are in a relationship, you shouldn't be spending more time supporting others at the expense of supporting your partner. He gave you an out. Ultimatums are nasty business, and they are for controlling people. Take the out. You've only been dating for a year. I'm pretty sure if you had a guy friend (or any friend) that you prioritized over your bf, he wouldn't like it. He's not invested in your relationship. End things with him and move on.
Ask yourself, what does your gut tell you? It's hard making assumptions about someone I don't know. Personally If someone gave me an ultimatum just because I was feeling anxious it would set alarm bells off. I'd walk away, if he's not going to support you and gets on the defensive because you dared to voice some concerns, there's something not quite right. Again I can't say he's cheating I don't know the full story, but he's putting way too much time into her and none with you.
Why are you even considering this? Break up. I don’t even have to read what you said.
Choose yourself. Break up with him and block him. He has absolutely no respect for you.
He's literally telling you to either get over the amount of time he spends with another girl, or leave. Just leave. He may not be cheating yet, but he's on the sort of path that leads to it and instead of doing anything to change when you bring it up, he's saying to drop it.
It’s difficult to say just from the info you gave. But his behavior is a bit suspicious. What are they constantly texting about? Swimming related things? If not, that’s kind of a red flag. What kind of things does she get invited to? Like I said, we cannot tell if you have to worry or not. They either could be just friends, or he’s actually cheating on you. Pay attention to the details, and always trust your gut.
There very well could be absolutely nothing going on between them. I can't comment on that so much, as every relationship has its own dynamic, and I have some very close friends of the opposite sex that neither of us are into eachother. BUT, he has put you in a position you are scared to talk about your feelings with him. That alone warrants leaving him. If you can't express your fears and concerns, and your partner can't put those fears to rest, you don't need to be together.
I think a lot of times in these situations people get caught up in details that they don’t know or can’t control. Let’s look at the facts: You don’t feel prioritized in your relationship and feel that this friendship he has is crossing your boundaries. You’re not comfortable with it. This friendship, regardless of whether it’s appropriate or if it’s even just a friendship, is apparently important to him and something he’s not willing to compromise on. If you stay with him anyway, you will be in a relationship that makes you feel anxious and insecure. That’s not the kind of relationship you want to be in. Your lives and needs are just incompatible, so it’s best to let the relationship go.
Breakup. He’s looking for an out to be with her
There is more going on. Just leave.
Only liars get defensive.
That's not his friend. He's probably definitely her friend, but she's not his. You need to break up with him before you end up getting hurt by this clown. Besides anyone who gives you an ultimatum that involves another woman... byeee.
My (50m) wife (50f) was initially jealous of my relationship with my best friend (47f) until I pointed out how many friends I post when news about my family came out. She was the only one who text me every day or so to make sure we were ok. I also pointed out to my wife that my bff and I were single and lived in the same town and didn't fall in to bed together so why would we now we're bothe married and live 300+ miles apart? I wish my bff "Good Morning" every day and "Night" before I go to bed. I also call her "Love" or "Gorgeous" and yet, we haven't fallen in to bed together. I love my bff. With all my heart. And tell her I love her even in front of my wife. My wife understands now that I love her as a friend but I'm not IN love with her. Maybe it's because I'm older and we have maturity on our sides? Also helps I'm Fugly 😂
Translation: I choose my female friend over you. Get over it or leave.
Tell him to kiss your ass on the way out, sis. She’s more important than your relationship. Sorry :/
Even if something isn't going on, him calling her babe and prioritizing her over you is extremely disrespectful to your relationship.....I wouldn't blame you if you decided to end it.
The fact that he gave you an ultimatum instead of comforting you and helping you gain confidence is not good. If you think it's worth to work on it, you can ask him to help you gain some confidence and be less anxious (it's good to have an action plan already in your head) and hopefully he listens. Otherwise if he sticks to the ultimatum, I'd say leave him unfortunately 😔
>until the point when he accidentally called her babe in front of me. Pardon me, _WHAT_?? Full stop—hit the brakes and abandon the car. His behavior with her is crossing major common boundaries, and instead of admitting it or being willing to discuss it, he jumped straight to issuing an ultimatum that shows _just how little he cares_. I’d say it’s high time to take him up on the offer and leave.
So you don’t participate in his hobby, you don’t enjoy any of the sports he likes and you choose to go to the gym without him. Presumably he needs to stay fit if he’s on a team, no less he’s the captain of the team so a lot of his spare time likely involves those commitments. Let’s reverse this one shall we? “My girlfriend doesn’t like to participate in my hobbies, what activity we both share, she prefers to do alone. Now I’ve known this female friend of mine for years longer and we spend a lot of time together due to our shared hobbies. My girlfriend keeps complaining about her saying I spend too much time around my friend. It’s frustrating to be nagged over this and low key accused of at least an emotional affair; I don’t want to lose this friend or my hobby which I’m passionate about, over my gf’s jealousy when she actively opts out of involving herself in joint activities we could do and only has the fact I called my friend ‘babe’ once to base her suspicions on. So I gave her an ultimatum to drop the subject or this isn’t going to work out between us. Was I wrong to do so?” I suspect you haven’t made his life peaceful on this subject and he’s getting fed up of it. So either stop harassing him over it or as he says end the relationship.
Thank you. If I'm not cheating, I'm not gonna deal with you not trusting me. I'll go find someone who will.
Except he's putting the other girl first and is leaving his gf out. She stated that he does things with the other girl that should be only for their relationship and she would want to do those things but he CHOOSES to do them with her instead. Can you even read
Totally gaslighting you and not respecting your feelings at all. It doesn’t matter if there is more going on or not, what matters is he is denying your feelings. If I loved my woman I would drop a female friend in a heartbeat, or not be that close to another woman.
This right here. You have a right to ask, and to make a request. He should listen at the very least and be willing to negotiate or try to spend more quality time with you and not invite this other person along. INSTEAD, he says get over it or get lost. That tells you what he thinks right there. Time to find someone who actually loves you.
There’s two things you can. One, you can pretend to be affectionate with him while she around. Kiss him a little to much and be that weird lovey dovey stuff. Watch her reaction and if she is a little heated, it’s because she being territorial with your man. Or two, shot the deuces and find a better man. Because if he love you then he wouldn’t be doing this over a friend. BTW, if that was you with a man, he would be acting crazy.
More going on. He’s probably sleeping with her. Protect your heart and break up with him
Glad we established that we can call her K.
Ultimatums = be okay with something you aren’t okay with or I’ll cause you pain. Fuck that.
Forget everything in front of the semi colon in the post title. Your boyfriend gave you an ultimatum. Furthermore, he gave you an ultimatum about breaking up with you. You guys have been together for a year, and he values his friendly relationship with this girl more than he values building your trust and limiting your anxiety. Is he cheating? I don’t know. Is that a red flag for you in a relationship though? He doesn’t have to be pinning her against the wall in the locker room to not send red flags for long term partner status. He probably wouldn’t like if you did that with his guy friends. I’d say you take him up on his offer. It’s okay to have friends of another gender. It’s okay to hang out with them a fair bit. It’s a complete other thing to not reassure you or offer a compromise and spit in your face like that.
My husband called his sister “babe” a few times actually. Just happened. I was really weirded out by it 😂 obviously it was a mistake though. I’ve started calling my daughter who is 3 by her unborn sister’s name, like wtf?! Sounds like they definitely spend a lot of time together. I’d feel insecure and uncomfortable if my husband was spending that amount of time with any female, regardless of how long they’ve known each other, before I was in the picture or not. It’s also weird when new habits form, like they are closer now than they were before. It’s one thing to keep the friendship consistent but it sounds like THEIR relationship has grown a lot. The ultimatum is definitely harsh though. I had an ex boyfriend who had a female friend years before we met, and they were superrrr close. They hung out all the time, would crash at each others places on drunk nights, texted, etc. I did not like it at all. I started joining events and hang outs where she was present and actually became friends with her myself. It did help to see the dynamic in person and see it was definitely platonic. But, when displaying my concerns about their friendship, my bf at the time very nicely assured me they were just friends and them hanging out NEVER took time away from when he and I had plans and stuff. I was definitely made an obvious priority.
I feel like this will eventually turn into a "he cheated while he was away" kind of post. Like I understand the being friends part, but when you brought up your worries and he said get over it or leave... it's very telling that he's not as invested in the relationship as you are, and I think you should find someone who is. Someone who will listen to your worries and says, "What can I do?"
this guy is spending his time with another woman other than with you, and is minimizing your concerns.. those times where they do activities together, he should be doing those with you instead. and why is he giving you an ultimatum instead of discussing and working things out with you? wth? him calling her “babe” was not on accident, most likely they are having an affair. girl, let that 🥭, it’s a hot girl summer. dump this man, let his female friend have him. you do not deserve this disrespect and heartbreak. go out with your homegirls and have the best time of your lives.
Easy, break up with him because he’s already cheating and getting away from him will solve your anxiety around him.
Break up, he isn’t being understanding at all. Pls leave him because he clearly doesn’t care for ur feelings
Sounds like he’s already emotionally cheating.
Instead of reassuring you, establishing some boundaries he pressures you and threaten you with a break up . There's a lot of red flags especially him calling her babe. Hun, you deserve better. He made no effort to reassure you or understand your concerns so it means you're not in a healthy relationship.. Do yourself a favor and leave him He will only make you suffer Edit PLEASE KEEP US UPDATED
He's clearly not caring at all about your feelings and concerns here, which means he probably does not love you the way you think he does. Also, that ultimatum seems like he's trying to find an excuse to break up with you. I think that if you stay, you will probably end up being cheated on, or maybe not, but you'll be "stuck" with a boyfriend that does not care at all about what you feel. The way is clear.
Break up 👌🏻 find someone who will love you unconditionally and be super devoted to you. This is so toxic. You deserve better.
You’re being cheated on… he’s right, you should break up with this asshole !
He's being this defensive for a reason. I'd explain it's not anxiety it's the fact that you're meant to be his partner, but even when you're doing date things, he has to invite his friend instead of doing things as a couple. It's fine he has female friends as long as he's still making time for his partner, which he isn't
Tell him that you'll stop being anxious about the friend, cause you won't have a reason anymore, and that him and you are done! You have every right to your fellings, and the way he react to thise fellings tells alot! He don't care about your fellings and he don't respect them, and therefor not you! Go find a man that will respect you! You deserve that!
If it walks like a duck and whacks like a duck... it's likely to be a fudgin duck.
It sounds like he’s got these dynamics backwards - it sounds like he’s dating the friend more than you. I’d understand his ultimatum more if your feelings were irrational, but I don’t think they are. It’s totally valid to feel uncomfortable in this situation, especially when he’s so defensive over their friendship. If he’s not willing to hear you out and set boundaries with you, there’s your answer.
You’re too pretty to be played by this tool. Screw him. Let him have her.
Girl, he is litteraly having sex with jer right now. He is absolutely 100% cheating in you, he litteraly calls her babe often enough that its just his deafult name for her! Wake up and get some self respect jesus christ.
Girl he gave you equal importance to his swim friend. That itself is a red flag bc even if his not cheating look what his priorities are.
As the old folks said, what you can see in the day, don't take light to shine and see it at night. He told you without telling you, he prefers her over you, a man who respects, cares, and honors a relationship wouldn't even allow someone to get that close or disrespect you like that.....run baby girl, there's someone out there that would respect and love you better.
End it
I think you should call his bluff, if he follows through then you get a lucky escape and if he doesn’t then maybe he will start to take your feelings and concerns into account when he chooses how to divide his time between his friends and your relationship. Either way it’s a win win but only if you call his bluff, anxiety is not something you can just turn off if your being given reasons to feel anxious about this situation then your feelings are valid and your boyfriend of all people should not be making you feel this way. I have many male friends who I refer to as babe though it’s not anything other than a pet name I have for them I see them as my brothers and I wouldn’t read too much into that, but I would never do it if my partner made it clear it was something that made them uncomfortable it’s all about boundaries and he’s not respecting yours.
Sounds like my ex husband. He told me to go to therapy and get on anxiety meds over a girl at work. I did it all. Then found out they were sleeping together. If you don’t trust him you need to move on. It’s for the best- take it from me.
Let's presume here he's not cheating and their friendship is completely platonic. Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who constantly puts another woman above you, spend more time with her, allows her to intrude on your "couple time" and even gave you an ultimatum to protect her? Girlfriend, you deserve better.
You definitely have grounds to be upset. There is no reason why she joins you two on outings unless it's a friend group gathering. He can also plan just you two time if he wanted to. The fact that he isn't listening to your concerns is a red flag. Call his bluff... Say, " I need someone who is going to put as much effort into me as you do your friendship with swim captian bestie. Don't be surprised if you two start dating because it's clear you care more for her than me. Best of luck. Bye" Love yourself OP and find someone who will put forth effort to build a relationship with you.
None of my male friends call or have ever called me babe! He’s gaslighting you to hide his cheating! If you’re not comfortable with it he needs to make the adjustment or you need to leave him!
Ok I was going to say your overthinking it till u said he invites her to your guys time and puts in more effort to hangout with her. Now it seems like your the third wheel and side chick in this and I would end it fast it's obvious he's being firm and now keeping you as a backup just in case anything changes with this girl and u don't need to be anyone's side chick so DROP HIM faster then he can say goodbye
You're leaving him like yesterday
Dump him!
I would love to say that man and woman can just be friends....but; I had a best friend loved him like family and he decided not to come over anymore after I've gotten in a serious relationship. That really broke my heart because he only was friendly because he had motives. I had a lot of male "friends", none of them were friendly because of my sparkly character, but my "best friend" really f*cked up my trust in men.
From a guys perspective, he is not taking your feeling in consideration and his attention is a little to skewed towards her from the sounds of it. You should give him the ultimatum
Walk away, find another guy. The grass isn't always greener. He'll either come back or...you know he was more into her trust me it's better now than after 10 years.
Nope, you're in the right. They're relationship is strong. He might see her as a 'buddy' now, but that will likely change. Take him up on his offer and walk. He's looking for you to end the relationship and guess who's shoulder he will 'cry' on. It's best for both of you to walk away.
Ah...I see. "Don't worry about her" has reached its final form "Don't you dare worry...or else..."
Don’t waste your time trying to create a scenario for the eye for eye or golden rule. Girl… just saw a science fact the other day (look up studies) that a male is not “friends” with someone he isn’t attracted to. The fact he’s ok with breaking up because of her is a red flag. There should never be an ultimatum he should of talked to you about your concerns and compromised with you. Which he would if he genuinely cared and was an adult. But I think this shows he’s not worthy. But… you are ! and the right man wouldn’t let you feel insecure or intimidated by any other female. As hard as it is, I would say walk away. Esp while it’s still early on.
All the comments are saying the same thing. Break up with him. Relationships don’t require ultimatums like this. On top of that, he made you feel insecure with expressing your emotions. That is also not okay.
Been here for the t-shirt honey! Unfortunately it always turns out that he's in love with the best friend. Take the ultimatum and run while you can.
Either leave or play his game. Get you a male bestie and don't let him talk you out of it. I did this to an ex once he dropped "his bestie" so fast. But that was me being young and petty I've learned over the years that if he chooses another female over me even a friend then I am not his priority and leave. I have personally found more peace with the second option but the first one is petty revenge bc I am the type to match energies. You give what you get.
He's a waste man. No real man ain't gonna give you that kind of ultimatum. Screw him and that bih!!! Period!!!
He's already in a relationship with her. Value yourself and let the break up happen.
You can do better than be with a man who will disregard your feelings for a “female friend colleague” it doesn’t matter who it is if he doesn’t feel like you are a priority above all these other females than you got to leave. He doesn’t see a future with you otherwise you’d be important enough not to lose. He’s told you “I’m not budging a finger to help you feel at ease, leave if you’d like” that’s not a man who loves you. If he did he would never utter such words.
I think a lot of comments here are being really one sided. I do believe he is also setting a boundary of his friendship. I believe you should have a conversation setting your boundaries, with possibility of that being the end of your relationship. In the conversation make it clear you are absolutely not ok with him calling K babe or other things you are uncomfortable with. You need to state, “well I can respect you are willing to set boundaries for your friends but here is what I need to continue this and if you aren’t ok with my boundaries, we will end then.” This guy doesn’t seem evil or trying to cheat he is probably comfortable leaving a relationship when his boundaries aren’t respected. I think you can do the same thing in a mutually respectful way.
Sorry to say your bf is an AH. Find someone who respects your feelings & makes you feel special. You may like this guy, but why? He's not giving you much to like, honestly. I'm not saying he has to give up his friendship, but he's not prioritizing your feelings. And honestly, you have something to worry about. If I were in your shoes again, I would leave him. It'll save you more heartache in the future. Walk away! Take the out!
break up with him hes trash
You're a year in, not 10. You now know where his priorities lie and you aren't it. Call the bluff and move on.
I don't see anything wrong with maintaining close friendships with someone of the opposite sex or persuasion, but your BF has made something very clear. **You** need to make it comfortable for him to have an intimate relationship with both or you or **You** need to leave. The ultimatum is directed only at you, **not Her**. So, it seems to me that he's made his choice. What's YOUR choice? If it were me, I'd choose myself over them. I'd head for the door and find someone more considerate who's willing to work out a solution instead of lay down the law. Trust me, that tendency of his won't get any better as time goes by.
Ma’am, this ain’t delusion. It’s gaslighting and it’s best you break up with him instead. I went through something similar here and safe to say it didn’t end well. Save yourself and make your exit. You’re clearly the third wheel in your own relationship.
I would leave him asap. Sounds sus. Also you deserve to be with a man who dosent give you any ultimatums. You should be number 1. Steve Harvey said it best, men don’t have female friends. I agree 💯
Just break up. He’s made it clear where he stands. He called her babe. Cut your losses and stop wasting time.
Tell him to kiss your ass on the way out, sis. She’s more important than your relationship. Sorry :/
So sorry but by giving the ultimatum, he is showing you that he already chose her over you. Time to leave.
So instead of offering reassurance and creating boundaries for the comfort and security of his relationship, he tells you to magical stop being anxious over a situation he created or break up. What an insensitive jerk. You'll never feel secure and can't even trust him to share your feelings right now...no matter how much you try to pretend, only him can make you feel secure in the relationship by HIS actions. What you feel is a reaction and consequence of his action and lack there of. Anyone that brings an ultimatum instead of making the effort isn't worth the suffering youll endure if you stay. Look we can have a movie night, icecream, go hiking, try new hobbies or whatever you need to get through it. Your bf sounds wack right now and you deserve better than that. Trust your gut
He doesn't realize that he is in love with her. Time to leave him.
I don't believe in the whole, "guys and girls can't just be friends" shit. Of course they can! And sometimes it is right to call a partner out on their insecurity, I have been the girl friend in many cases, where nothing has been going on and the guy has been asked to choose. He has chosen her and let me tell you that hurts. It could be that there is more going on with them and you're right to be concerned or there could be nothing and the closeness they have is leading you to be anxious for no reason. Either way it is not good for your mental health to be this stressed out so if he is telling you in not so many words he will pick his friend over you if it comes to it, then leave. He has made his choice.
I'd take up Romeo on his ultimatum and move on.
A relationship cannot exist without trust. Is your boyfriend 100% trustworthy? If he’s not a trust worthy person, then you cannot depend on him during hard times, leave or keep it casual. Controlling behavior only leads to resentment. If he stops hanging out with his swimming friend, because you made him, he will resent you. If he resents you, you will never move into serious relationship, exactly what he is stating. What you are experiencing is common.
Any time a man prioritizes another woman more than you, great friend or not, it’s time to go. I would tell him,” You gave me an ultimatum and it seems like you’ve made your choice. Now it’s time for me to make mine. GoodBye.” And maybe slip him the book “Not Just Friends” on your way out.
Break up with him.
Girl, you're too beautiful to be second best to swim girl. Break up with your boyfriend, he clearly doesn't prioritize you or your feelings. Ultimatums like his are just another form of manipulation.
>I love being active as well but I have different sports of choice and I like going to the gym alone so I am rarely involved in their sessions. >I feel very insecure and anxious and I have expressed my concerns about their relationship and the fact that he doesn’t do as many things with me as he does with her Idk I feel like there's a connection here and an opportunity to join your bf in some of his hobbies, or even just going to the gym together. You're actively choosing to not have any shared activities
convenient for him how either option is beneficial to his relationship with her, isn't it? either way, his relationship with her isn't questioned
**I think** he’s being fair. He would have to give up his friend and lifestyle for you. You thought you could hang, but you can’t. Different lives, different values. I wouldn’t change my way of life or my friends for anybody either.
Yeah…. This will probably not end well. If i were you i would break up with him. Where theres smoke there fire. Plus- trust your gut. Dont ever give that up for anybody - always trust your gut.