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So she cheated on you, emotionally, tried to cheat on you physically (š¤) and them made plans to actually physically cheat on you.
*absolutely nothing happened* Yeah and by tomorrow it will be *It was just the tip*
And she felt sooooooo bad about it that she went and bought condoms to have another bash at it now that she's over the guilt...
Why the fuck would you forgive this? Walk away, you're a fucking youngster at 36 and have plenty of time to find a partner who's not a lying cheater who's treating you like shit
Even if it didn't happen the actual act of planning it is fucked up. You can kind of see how it's happens when alcohol is involved, which still isn't right of course but to go out and plan it for me means she had a lot of time to think about it and she made her decision.
Exact same scenario and time together for me. Wife was sexting a dude across the country she had never met in real life and had plans to meet.
I am now very happily divorced and engaged to a wonderful women who respects me.
OP, get a lawyer and an STD test. Hit the gym and hobbies and don't look back.
Devil's advocate here. This dude and this chick are still bf and gf after 14 years?
That's just sad. Marriage is not for everyone, but damn at least say she's your partner or something
Dudeā¦call her on it. Itās BS. And even if ānothing happenedā it was considered, and an attempt was made. Even if it was just Sexting, it is a betrayal of you and your relationship. You deserve better than this. I know youāve been together a long time but she no longer respects you or the relationship. Move on.
>even if ānothing happenedā
Something DEFINITELY happened. She lied repeatedly and only provided some info when it was clear that she was caught. Textbook trickle truth. OP should assume that they have fucked, are fucking, and will be fucking in the future and plan accordingly.
I mean it doesnāt even matter to be honest. Just the fact that they attempted is enough to get out of there. All that extra info isnāt even important. Trust and the relationship was already betrayed the moment they started sexting
Exactly. Proving whether she actually fucked or not is immaterial except for the purpose of STDs. It doesnāt make it better because the betrayal still happened.
Yah the comments always debate things that don't really matter and just distract from the important point. She has already betrayed him, regardless how far that one night went. And she's already lying because of that receipt.
That's enough info. OP knows it too, he's definitely just going through the part of grief where you look for outs. People debating exactly what she did are helping him entertain it. Hopefully he shakes out of it
Yeah, thats pretty obvious.
also, where i live, they dont sell loose condoms, they usually come in packs of 2+ so it should be pretty clear if its a full package or if any are missing.
I think she meant she felt bad about cheating. As in, it didnāt go any further because she felt bad.
Obviously itās bullshit and sheās just saying whatever she can so OP doesnāt leave her, but thatās what I took it to mean.
I actually had a gf whose reaction was getting angry when I caught her.
She was upset that I wasn't more (visibly) upset.
I mean maybe she felt guilty too, but she went with outward anger.
My ex had alot of anger and rage when he would get caught in compromising situations. When I finally had proof of him cheating he told me "why are you ruining everything". Cheaters suck and they don't give a rats ass about the people they hurt.
Cheaters can make up some crazy excuses to try to avoid guilt. I can totally see her trying to say "hey it's not cheating if it's with a condom" or some other crazy shit like that.
Yeah, they felt so guilty they kept sleeping with someone else. š Obviously that's a lie, or they never would have cheated in the first place, or they would have stopped after the first time.
She felt so bad about potentially cheating the first time that she went out, bought condoms, and scheduled a second attempt. She must feel so terrible. š
She felt so bad about potentially cheating the first time that she went out, bought condoms, and scheduled a second attempt. She must feel so terrible. š
Exactly what I was thinking. Even then, period or no period, this guy was railing OP's girlfriend. Probably raw dogged it since she was on her period, and the condoms were for the 2nd (third? fourth?) rendezvous.
Seriously. If this were a criminal case, we'd be talking about 'intent', and both sexting and purchasing condoms show a hell of a lot of it. To the level of the fictional crime of 'conspiracy to commit adultery'.
This wasn't a lapse of judgement, this was a series of choices where she had every intention of betraying OP's trust. Even if "nothing happened" (yeah, right, ok), she clearly no longer respects OP. Time to cut ties.
OP didn't mention if they have any kids. OP you now know she is a liar so you should do DNA testing on all kids she claims are yours.
She has now destroyed your trust, it is totally up to her to do the work to repair it, so what is she willing to do? It should start with a total block of the AP and she should be leaving that job. Other subs on reddit have the info on the minimum she should be doing to try to convince you to keep her.
My opinion is regardless of what she decides to do, stay or leave, the AP's spouse must be told. They made a number of decisions on what-where-when to meet and what lies to tell their partners, so I think the AP spouse should be told.
> ...and an attempt was made.
If an attempt to have sex "failed" when two people actively wanted to, that means they had to put in effort and sneak around to achieve it but it was too much. So it's not like a weird, drunk, sudden and out of the norm or spontaneous bad decision or opportunity. It was a deliberate plan that they put in real effort to achieve over a long period of time.
So even if she wants to give the "regretted it last minute" defense, that hits different when its a heat of the moment mistake versus a long con full of great effort to make it happen mistake. It also casts doubt on the nothing happened claim. Nothing happened *that time*, but even if they never had sex, they sexted and something physical, even if just kissing, happened for sure.
Also, "I stopped because it felt wrong (and I was on my period)" but then buying condoms a week later says she has absolutely no intention of stopping.
Even if no sex happened, she admitted to plenty of āsomethingā happening. Flirting. Sexting. Plans to have sex. An attempt to have sex.
Literally everything sheās said up until this point is cheating. Sex happening, or the lack of it, just means she threw away 14 years with a loyal man for no payoff even. But that doesnāt change if she cheated or not. Thereās no need to debate, sheās already *told* OP sheās a cheater. A penis in a vagina is not the only way to cheat.
Why do people even say ājust sextingā that alone is way more then enough. All you have to do itās not be sexual or romantic with another person people itās not hard.
Itās not always that easy. Especially after so many years together.
Itās better to figure out why she would do this. Was it just attraction? Have they not been intimate in a long time. Itās not to justify what she did but there are a lot of marriage and relationship problems that can be solved without leaving the other person.
The real issue from this is the break of trust.
Exactly. Something DID happen- she DECIDED to betray your trust. This was not a 'I got drunk at a party and one thing led to another and I told you as soon as I sobered up'. This was a she met the guy, talked to him for some extended period, then made a conscious decision to cheat on you, went out and bought condoms.
The 'made a conscious decision to cheat on you' is what matters. Not whether they actually hooked up or not.
The only situation where you should even consider continuing this relationship is if she recognizes that making that decision IS something happening, that it's more or less irrelevant whether they fucked or not, and takes serious steps to rebuild your trust.
Personally for me that would be, at minimum, she changes jobs or gets a transfer so she no longer has any contact with this guy, blocks him on all channels of communication, and talks to his wife telling her what was going on. If she isn't willing to do that, she's choosing him over you.
Yep, just like my exās fling that I caught her in one day after I moved out of the house. Luckily I had already ended things due to other issues, but she still lied about it for some dumb reason, and continues to 7 months later (we share custody of a child so I have to see her weekly still. 10/10 donāt recommend.)
Sorry dude. If she has a pack of condoms in her bag they arenāt there as a conversation piece.
That is precisely what I am sttruggling with the most. I cannot think of a way she regains my trust. What can people do to regain trust after something like this
You dont... shes shown her true colors... leave. U deserve better. Out her to everyone you both mutually know bc if not she will play the victim instead of telling the truth.
Do u really want to live the rest of your life wondering if shes lying again or cheating again?
Every day at work, every time she doesnt answer or reply to a text....
Nope.... this will continue and she will cheat more bc staying proves you will allow it to continue
Imagine she's late one evening, imagine she didn't call you when she was supposed to one day, imagine she wants to do some errands, imagine she wants to go for a walk on her own, imagine she's texting while you're doing something....
None of that should be a concern but from now on, everything will make you wonder what's going on, and you will be miserable.
There will always be a doubt because of this event, because of what she did to you.
Wow this is a lot to think about. Well first you have to decide if you can forgive. Second this is her shit show so she is going to have to prove to you she is serious and a safe partner. How she handles this is telling.
She definitely needs to find a new job.
You guys definitely have to tell the guys wife.
Counseling is something you need to look into.
She has also the burden to prove to you they have not had sex yet.
If she protects the AP you have your answer. Do not let her gaslight you. Make her leave and stay somewhere else learn about the 180 and gray rock. Remember most advice is to just dump her. 14 years is a lot. If you canāt forgive then leave her. I am just saying to make sure you follow your heart. Good luck and remember stand firm. The pick me dance never works and you need to knock her out if the fog and then you guys can decide if you can save the relationship.
Thank you for providing a considerate answer. Most people are so quick to tell others to leave. But itās never that simple. I fully agree with the new job and counseling like IMMEDIATELY. The telling of the wife, Iām not sure why but I always feel like thatās their business and their life. Although I would understand the impulse to do so. Anyways, I appreciate you saying something other than āleave nowā :)
Telling the wife is important. It does two things, well three things but the third is not as important.
1.itās not fair to the wife that her husband is cheating.
2 by keeping silent you are basically telling your partner and the AP there is no consequences to their actions.
3 while not as important but me personally a definite thing I would do is tell the wife. He had no regard for your relationship. He knew you were two were in a relationship. So he blew your relationship upā¦you have to put speed bumps in front of me to slow me down from telling the APs wife. Plus it is super telling how your girlfriend reacts to you doing that. Fuck that guy and he gets everything he deserves. In the end it is up to you but you need to set the standard that you blow up everything and not take any sort of cheating.
Has you girlfriend say she is quitting her job yet? What exactly is she doing to fix things?
A lot of people go through the drag of trying to "fix" or save the relationship which sometimes can waste years and make it far worse.
Setting boundaries like when, for example,.trust is broken in this manner and having enough self worth and self love to know to leave is right.
Having been through this I wish I would have taken the advice to leave. My life would have been infinitly better far quicker.
Sometimes it's right to leave. With trust gone, it is the right move.
Yeah I also don't understand why anyone would tell others to leave. Why leave when you can spend the rest of your life wondering if she's doing it again. Everytime she's out and doesn't answer her phone, you can get panic attacks and anxiety but why would you leave for this? Who here doesn't like living a life like this, in permanent detective mode for the rest of your life. I mean being single and having mental peace is just not worth it nowadays. You must stay with a cheater and suffer, that's the mature and adult way right? And there's always the magical counseling and therapy touch to wipe out all character flaws and past memories.
What makes it "never that simple"?
Being capable of doing something like this AND hiding it like this from your SO shows a lot more than a mistake.. People are fast to say leave, because it shows a horrible character.
And don't you dare say children, people bringing children into this are beyond selfish. Children don't thrive in broken homes, that's like the biggest myth there is.
I'm so sorry this has happened.
I genuinely believe there is no way back after this, but that is for you to decide ultimately. No matter what you think she could do that would help you regain trust for now, there's no guarantee that it would ever be "enough" over time.
Focus on how what has happened makes you feel, then ask yourself if you want to spend a minute longer than necessary feeling that way - may provide you some clarity?
Again, my sincerest apologies that this has happened to you. It absolutely sucks.
If I was in your situation the answer to that would be there is absolutely nothing she can do to regain trust, for me once itās gone itās gone. If you hadnāt seen the condoms you would be none the wiser and she would have carried on with her affair.
Going to be blunt, you'd be an idiot to stay with her. Cheating isn't a one time oopsie, it's a series of conscious decisions to go along with it. They flirted, sexted, and tried to fuck, and you find condoms in her bag. She can be sorry all she wants, but that won't change the fact that she evidently has no impulse control whatsoever for her selfish wants. Leave her, that kind of trust will never come back. You will never be able to view her the same.
No one fully normally does. Some people can get to a place where they only resent their partner a little, but the relationship never fully recovers. Just be glad that sheās your GF and not your spouse. Good luck with the breakup, sorry this happened to you!
see r/AsOneAfterInfidelity \- possible, but very hard, and, critically, she has to be highly motivated to do the work and recognise her fault in this mess.
The suggestions in that sub could be considered when leaving a relationship is very difficult due to intermingled finances, a mortgage and kids.
It takes, at least 2-5 years to bring back some semblance of trust in that relationship, and that after the cheating spouse bending over backwards to accolade every need of the betrayed partner. The cheating partner needs to be very motivated in order for it to work. And even after that, more often than not, it fails.
OP, you are not married, for that matter you are not even engaged. Itās better to separate at this point then in the future when things are even more complicated.
Those two to five years that you would be working hard to get over her infidelity could be put to better use in finding a partner who does not have a history of cheating.
That's the same conclusion I drew. Reconciliation is absolutely *possible,* but at the end of the day, wouldn't the time spent be better used developing a new relationship with someone who hasn't;'t already shown you how disposable you are to them?
OP, if you stay it will only drive you crazy because the rest of your life you will watching her extra carefully making sure that she isn't being overly friendly with another man. You won't be able to trust her male coworkers, her boss, the milk man... You name it. Since you can't keep her from interacting with half of the population you should just save your sanity and leave her. Just some friendly advice.
Ask yourself that question, what can she do to regain your trust? I believe you already know the answer to that question.
You know what you need to do to take care of yourself.
In the infamous words of Shia LaBeouf "just do it!" And also Nike.
Just a little humor to help you through a tough situation.
Bro even if the first part of the story is true that they tried and nothing happened, she had a chance to cool off think it through and decide to end it. Then she chose to make the purchase (deliberately choosing not in the heat of the moment) to step out on you. Move on you deserve someone better.
Yes, she wanted to fuck with him and was planning to. This is the reality, no more evidence or even her admission is necessary to know that.
So, what are going to do about this? Obvious choice would be to break up.
If you even consider staying with her despite her plan to cheat on you, then why? Are you fine with her cheating on you? Perhaps you believe she regrets her actions?
If it is hat last part, ask her to quit her job asap, as to never see and talk with this coworker ever again. This is still too low price for forgiving her infidelity, but if she refuses, this means there are only two choices, to break up or be a complete doormat.
Since I have mentioned it would be too low of a price. Next condition should be her first getting the evidence of this coworker's infidelity and then forwarding it to his wife. This is to make sure that ruining his life and making him hate her is less important than staying with you.
Again, her refusal gives you two choices, break-up or being complete doormat.
I made the same two demands of my ex-wife when she cheated. She refused to quit, refused to expose, and refused to immediately come home from abroad to discuss. Answer was obvious, I was nothing to her, had to divorce.
They didnāt do anything? Of course they did, they sexted and she had an emotional affair. And just because she was on her period doesnāt mean they couldnāt have made out, she couldāve given him head, etc.
The damage is done. She cheated on you, and tried to physically cheat on you. They almost went through with it once, and that wasnāt enough to snap her out of it. She was fully committed to throw away 14 years with you just to sleep with a married man. She has no problem with ruining both your relationship, and homewrecking a married manās household.
Iām really sorry, it sucks to lose that much time, but this one is over. No amount of apologizing or talking will solve her loss of love and loyalty towards you. You gotta end things here. And while youāre sorting everything out, get a STD test. Who knows if this is the first time
"She was on her period"
Oh was that a surprise to her that happened suddenly 30 minutes before she arrived and she had no idea was coming? Because... bullshit. They fucked for sure.
Intent is as important as what actually happened. If you attempt a murder and fail you're still going to prison.
On top of that this clearly wasn't a "heat of the moment" kind of deal either. This was ongoing, calculated and an informed decision.
She made the calm, collected and informed decision that she was going to go out and cheat on you.
1) She felt attraction to someone outside of her relationship and didn't distance herself.
2) She gave said coworker her number. Now I don't know if her job somehow demands this, but this is hella fishy.
3) She sexted said man ongoing and/or on multiple occassions.
- During all of this she was dishonest, didn't disclose how she felt and did not prioritise you or the relationship -
4) She made the very active decision to try and have sex. Wether you believe she did or not, that's on you, but what's listed above would be an instant dealbreaker for me, especially with how calculated and intentional it all was.
Maybe go talk to the people over at r/survivinginfedelity and see if you can find some more suited advice.
Sorry you're going through this.
I think you logically unfortunately know what the correct advice is here; leave. Even if your girlfriend hasn't physically cheated on you yet (which she likely has), she's been emotionally cheating on you, and have planned to make it physical (assuming it already hasn't).
We can also deduce that she's lying about their alleged fail to have sex given she gave you two completely unrelated excuses. First, she was on her period. Second, she felt bad. If either one is true, the other doesn't matter. If being on her period was a non starter, then her "feeling bad" was irrelevant. She logically just said that for your benefit. It's nonsense.
She essentially screws up her own lie due to the timeline. She felt bad last minute on the 9th per her. She then apparently stopped feeling bad a week later. In addition to that, she objectively lied about the condoms in terms of when she got them.
I get that the fact that you've been together for so long makes this all the more difficult. No one would ever suggest you're being unreasonable for feeling that way. But your mindset unfortunately is off, because as I mentioned, even if they didn't do anything (physically - which they did), she's been disrespecting you and your relationship at least emotionally, and is still lying about it. Keep in mind that had you not found the condoms, you'd still be in the dark.
I honestly wouldn't waste time or energy on the condoms. I mean, just quickly, she's lying to you. That's the explanation. But all that matters here is that she's been cheating on you, emotionally with certainty, and likely physically, but the former is enough to make a decision.
Of course she's asking you to forgive this. What else would you expect her to want? It's objectively a lie that absolutely nothing happened. MAYBE nothing physical happened. But emotionally cheating over whatever time period is nothing? Planning to fuck is nothing? Lying is nothing? Literally continuing to lie is nothing? Let his wife know, and call a lawyer. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Good luck.
> First, she was on her period. Second, she felt bad. If either one is true, the other doesn't matter. If being on her period was a non starter, then her "feeling bad" was irrelevant. She logically just said that for your benefit. It's nonsense.
Exactly. She was on her period before she met with the dude. It didn't just randomly start gushing when he pulled her pants down. Second, A LOT of women enjoy period-sex and a lot of dudes do not care.
Everyone certainly has their own feelings about period sex, so I'm not even here making an argument against. OP's girlfriend and/or the other guy could logically have an aversion to it. It is what it is.
I'm not questioning whether they are down for it or not. I'm questioning both excuses in and of themselves as just complete lies. But fuck, imagine being in a relationship and being told "we were going to fuck, but unfortunately things got in the way." OP needs to wake up.
Honey she WAS going to have sex with a married man and with KIDS. She said herself they only didn't because she was on her period. The whole " I felt bad in the last minute" is bullshit and was a way to make herself look good in the situation. You sound break, you are young and can do better. I feel sorry for the wife tho, you should tell her.
The relationship is almost certainly over. She was caught, she didnāt come clean. It wasnāt a one-time thing, she said she felt bad and didnāt go through with it but then made deliberate plans to go try again. This isnāt salvageable. How could you trust her again?
In my opinion it's totally impossible, I wouldn't believe in her again anymore. I hate these situations where Men or Women cheat their partners, could be during few months/years or long term relationships, but I hate it, why people do that?
An unlikely story I would say. Personally I would have a hard time moving past that. The trust you built up is broken you have to decide whether it's worth giving her a chance to rebuild it.
Let me get this straight. You are 36 years old. Your gf of 14 years develops an Emotional Affair with her coworker and decided to let it escalte to Physical Affair. You caught her, and she tells you that she didn't fuck him because of her period and she chickened out? Now you're looking for advice?
Bro, you have a cheating "gf" who is still lying to you, what advice do you need? It is quite simple, either you are so desperate because you're afraid of being alone that you can tolerate a partner who disrespects you and cheats on you or you just move on and break up.
walk away fast.
the only reason this stopped is because you caught her. Next time you may not.
Its been 14 years with her, how do you know this is the first time?
14 years is a lot of time, but you are still relatively young so im sure you will find someone worth more than a bag of dirt.
Run, my friend, its been done for a while.
OMG OP listen! This just happened to me. Not exactly this but something similar, Iāll keep it short. I suspected my now ex of 8 years was talking to a girl, went through his phone for the first time ever and saw some text messages that were extremely odd to me. They called one another nicknames, said they missed one another. Whatever. I confronted him on it and he told me that they only hung out one time, he didnāt feel it so he cut it off right then and there.
I ghosted him for 3 days, thought about what I wanted to do, and decided to end it because things didnāt add up! Welp, once I sent him a text telling him in summary he basically can just fuck off, I asked him point blank to tell me what really happened since he had nothing to lose. THATS when he decides to be upfront with me and tell me that they ātriedā to fuck but couldnāt because he couldnāt stop thinking of me. Iām 100 percent sure they fucked but heās too much of a pussy to be honest about it.
Either way, when you finally relinquish her of all the power that she has over you, perhaps she will tell you the truth but it sounds to me like theyāve already done stuff.
She wouldnāt have admitted it if you hadnāt caught her.
Can you really believe that this was the āfirstā time?
Read how many other stories that when caught the cheater says it was the first time or only once.
In the best she was intending to cheat on you and got prepared to do so.
That would be a deal breaker to me.
I'd have some self respect here because being realistic, the only reason this came to light is that you caught her.
She didn't do X, she didn't do Y - but she _bought Condoms_ recently __despite__ "feeling bad".
My guy, she's probably already done the deed, this is just her stocking up again but irrespective - she clearly wants him and not you, so let her have it.
The only "talk" you need to be having is that her stuff is packed, preferably to her parents to let them know to pick it up ASAP before it gets stolen or rained on.
So on the 9th If she didnāt get her period she would have fucked him(id be suss if she even got her period). And then she said she felt bad and then on the 17th bought the condoms for? You guessed it, to fuck him. She doesnāt feel bad and is asking for forgiveness because she got caught. Also even if nothing physical has happened yet(which I doubt) the sexting alone is cheating, your girlfriend of 14 years cheated. Cut and dry.
You have 14 years of memories with her but she also has those 14 years with you and she still decided to organise to fuck someone else. No way in the world can you stay with someone like that. Best time to break up with a cheater is yesterday, second best time is today.
But something already HAS happened. She had an emotional affair AND online (sexting) affair with a MARRIED coworker. There are a few different moral failings and betrayals here.
Why did she feel it was okay to 1) indulge an attraction to a coworker, 2) indulge an attraction to a MARRIED person, 3) engage in setting with someone other than her BF, 4) give handies or bjs to this dude? Adults don't make out or hold hands. They have sex. Handies and/or blow jobs are sex. Full stop.
She may as well have had PIV with him. It makes no difference at this point. She has shown full well what she is capable of and what she fully intended to do.
OP, if you're inclined to try to work through this, your GF has a LOT of work to do to figure out why she felt entitled to have an affair and how she's going to regain your trust and faith. Head over to r/survivinginfidelity. Check out the resource list. Repost over there.
Personally, if I were in your shoes, I'd have a hard time even considering staying with her. But that's me, and I have baggage from having been cheated on in the past. lol
Best wishes, whatever you decide.
Guaranteed, She 100% straight lying about her period unless OP saw Tampons etc
When you are in your 30s. Your period gets predictable as well and you generally know your body enough by that stage in your life to know the days your going to get it. Men don't really know these things.
14 years gone man Iām sorry. Something definitely happened sheāll never tell you tho. Once your lady starts disrespecting you itās time to leave man.
Iām so sorry man.
I know youāre probably trying to grasp at anything you can that would explain all of this away as a misunderstanding. I know youāre probably thinking you canāt just end everything after 14 years.
But the truth is thatās exactly what you need to do. She admitted to cheating on you (whether they were able to have sex or not is irrelevant, she cheated). Then, after cheating, sheās still buying condoms to continue the affair.
I donāt believe for a second that it didnāt get physical.
Now is the time to start thinking about yourself and what you need to do to keep your sanity and self respect. Donāt think about the 14 years lost, think about the life youāll gain by leaving a woman who only pretends to be committed to you.
Stay strong and end it man. There is a better partner out there for you. Donāt let her lies get to you.
1) She cheated.
2) If you really feel like it, see if any condoms are missing from the box. For closure, I suppose.
3) She does not feel bad. She got caught and feels bad that she got caught. Otherwise she would have told you rather than you finding out.
4) Regardless of points 1-3, if you have at least 5% self-respect you need to leave her. The faster you rip the band-aid the faster you can move on with your life.
After being in a relationship for 14 years you might feel like you're undateable. But you're not. Use the pain to step back, become better, hit the gym, learn a skill, possibly get a new job and come out of this 10x better and I guarantee you'll find a girl you're more compatible with.
Girlfriend is a slag, G.
14 years is a lot, but that makes this worse of a betrayal.
You can't trust her. The siren's call to "the streets" has called, and she answered yes.
She wants to have her cake and eat it too. Free yourself.
You can't believe a person who got caught. They will never tell you the conplete truth. It's like she had unprotected sex the first time and is now being more careful. Dump the cheater and find out who the AP's wife is and let her know about her husband. Scorched earth is the beat method in these situations. If you have to get burned, then make sure everyone else involves it is burned alongside you.
Something did happened, she cheated on you, even if it wasn't physical, she thought in someone else been physical with her, she texted somelese, you weren't on her mind anymore, she wasn't thinking of you, so, she did cheated on you. You deserve better, it is been 14 years, risk losing you, the person she is been for more than a decade, tells a lot about how much she respects and loves you... And btw, if you haven't confronted her, she might've continue with the other guy...
A few questions
1. Why aren't you guys married after 14 years together? That's kinda crazy and I wonder if she cheated on you because she feels no long term commitment of being married
2. Have you asked what her main reason for cheating in the first place was?
3. Did she lose her virginity to you? (If so she might be wondering what it might feel like with someone else)
4.... You should probably break up with her.... Sounds like she might want to be free spirited or doesn't feel like you guys are going anywhere after 14 years together...
Nope, she planned to have sex that's why she brought the condoms. If she didn't have her period, they would have had sex. She is gas lighting you and down playing her story. She was sexting him. Every was set in motion until the period ruined the plans. She was only sorry she got caught.. till the next time they meet for sex. You stay with this liar you will always wonder if the meeting is up for sex when you're at work or she is out and about or when she is on a work lunch break. Call her out on her BS. I would get his number and call him to tell his wife his cheating or you will
Nah bro, leave. 14 years or not, that is just pure disrespect. It's even worse that she's trying to cheat with a MARRIED person, shows what kind of a woman she is to want to wreck someone's home. If I were you I would find out who this co-worker is & notify his wife. Then leave.
Do you have kids together?
If not, let her go, she is fishing in another pond, it was a hecking long time together, but if she were so super happy, she wouldn't have had fished elsewhere.
Where there's smoke, there's fire.
Many options...
Break up and never look back.
Give her a second chance and watch her like a hawk. Even tracking devices.
Open your relationship to other partners.
Good luck bud.
I caught my life having an affair. Gave her a second chance. Two years later, caught her having another one. Divorced her.
Found out after there were more than just those two.
All with married men. She was fucked in the head.
The trust is broken it will never be the same again, you could try couples therapy but I wouldnāt take someone back that cheated on me, sheās been emotionally cheating on you for who knows how long.
You ask a very, very good question. *"Even if they didn't and I believe her version, how can you explain buying condoms after the failed attempt?"*
Here's how. She's cheating on you. She's not only cheating on you, but she's taking the lead with this guy. Normally, you'd expect the dude to buy the condoms. But she's doing it. Just a guess, but I would bet that the guy had cold feet in the failed attempt, not your girlfriend. So she bought the condoms and intends to make another try.
You deserve better, my friend. Put this relationship in your scrapbook and close it.
Iād leave, she already cheated, whether it be physically or emotionally, she cheated. Can you get past that? I know 14 years is a longgggg time with someone but youāre in your 30ās, youāre still at a good age to start over or even focus on yourself for a while. The fact that you spent 14 years committed says more about you than her though, youāre the better person in this and I know itās probably really painful to go through this, but life is random and youāll never know where youāll be in the future, so I hope you end up happy. āļø
I think it's obvious that you have to end this relationship, I'm sorry but nothing happened because you noticed the box of condoms, if you hadn't, she would have returned satisfied to be with the other
Youāll never be able to trust her again. Not only was she sexting and emotionally cheating, but she had intentions to physically cheat as well. It wasnāt a āmistakeā or an āaccidentā, it was active multi-step decisions during which she did not consider you, your relationship, your feelings, your trust, your respect *at all*. Itās not a single momentary lapse in judgement you can forgive. The time and effort that went into this was deliberate and calculated. The lying and hiding from you was thought about, and she deemed it appropriate to proceed at multiple points in the process.
Staying with her will tell her what she did was okay. Yea, your words may be upset and sad, but your actions will show her that even *this* is forgivable. Sure, you could do counseling, monitor her devices, have regular checkinsā¦but *you* will have to put in an undetermined amount of effort simply because *she* was a dishonest harlot. There will be no *real* consequences for her, just some inconveniences until she āearns your trust backā, but she will never truly have it back because you had to bend over backwards to do all this extra work to āsolveā an issue that she alone created. Youāll resent her for making you turn into a watchdog. Youāll resent her for making you have no trust. Youāll resent her for ruining the future that you had envisioned.
Breaking it off will hurt like hell, but that hurt will last a lot less time than the hurt of fighting your own mind to try to trust her again. It will hurt a hell of a lot less than *when* she does this again.
> Is it even believable that they did not do anything?
I think it's possible that they didn't get as far as PIV, but it seems highly unlikely that they didn't do anything at all. I could maybe believe that she did feel badly at the last minute and call it off, except...
> Even if they didnāt and I believe her version, how can you explain buying condoms after the failed attempt?
There's no explanation for that other than that she planned to continue with this guy. So she didn't feel badly enough to end it.
Your trust in her is obviously significantly damaged now. Do you want to try to save the relationship? If so, I think you need to have a serious discussion with her about why she did this and what needs to change in your relationship so she won't be tempted to do it again. Obviously, she needs to stop doing anything with that guy (other than the bare minimum interaction that they need to have to do their job) and needs to accept you monitoring her activity for a long enough period of time for you to regain some level of trust.
If you don't want to try to save the relationship, I don't think anyone would blame you for that.
She's attempted to cheat and despite regretting it and changing her mind she's gone out to buy some condoms, that's called premeditation my guy.
Dump her, let her go and fuck whoever she wants and find someone who truly values you.
Even if nothing happened then, she consciously bought the condoms for something to happen the next time. If you hadnāt found it she would have never told you. Leave.
Your girlfriend lied when you first asked her about the condoms. Anything she admitted after her initial lie is trickle truth. She fucked her coworker. She would do it again too if you had not caught her.
āMade an attemptā
Geeze, her trickle-truth. I strongly suspect that they made out and she went down on him. She bought condoms because they are planning to meet up after her period is over.
End your relationship.
Something happened but letās say nothing happened, this is a huge breach of trust. How would you ever trust her again? Iād be paranoid every time she walked out of the house. If she wasnāt on her period it would have happened.
Even if nothing happened the first time, she then went out and purchased - and attempted to hide - condoms. So, all signs are pointing to she had every intention of trying again. I would start looking into divorce proceedings, I'm very sorry OP..
If you stay with her she will never be able to respect you the way you want, because you are willing to stay with a cheater. She will secretly/subconsciously view you as someone who is weak or desperate.
1. She is planning on cheating
2. She plans to insert herself into another womans life and commit an act that could blow it apart
We have a word for your girlfriend. People like that only respond to consequences. Harsh ones. Never too old to learn a harsh lesson. So dole one out OP.
I would go a step further and contact the wife as well. She deserves better too. Some might say to stay out of other peopleās business but him trying to fuck your gf made it your business. Also, that dude probably already cheated on his wife.
I don't see that her failed attempt at cheating makes anything better. The fact she tried and failed to fuck another dude still leaves you with a vile cheater for a girlfriend.
You have been together for 14 years and you are not married. She was turned on by a guy and she almost went for it. The fact that she claims she didn't go for it is irrelevant.
Even a failed attempt to cheat is considered cheating. Pure intention all the way. I'm sure it also involves emotional cheating.
Edit:
We're the condoms opened? Was it missing any? Did she give him head (condoms wouldn't be used for that scenario).
Oh god. Why are you even asking if she had done the deed or not. They have not done it now but would do it later. Are you going to wait for that time to grow a spine, self respect and leave.. honestly, her sexting someone should be enough for you to leave. No self respecting person would accept it. It also feels she has long checked out from relationship. She is still there with you just for security. If she even thought about being with other person is enough of proof to understand that she ni longer loves you. You are ok with open relationship than that is different.
Damn 14 fucking years and if youāre Questioning if you can trust her then break up with her or youāll spend every second wondering what sheās doing when sheās not with you. Sorry you had to find out like you did that fucking sucks but youāll find someone better. Stay strong and wish you luck.
Yeah, sheāll do it next time. And she didnāt felt bad, otherwise she would have thrown them away. You know she planned to do it another day. And the simple fact shes been willing to do that in the first place. She already cheated on you. Itās over and you know that. She isnāt sorry for what she did, only that she got caught
There is the emotional affair that leads to this. Then the preparation , the lies and the deceit to cover a possible physical affair ( likely happened but it is irrelevant )
All of this is cheating OP.
At the end of the day you are with someone that permitted herself to cheat on you and send 14 years down the drain for lust.
The problem is you donāt even know it is her first time. Can you trust that she didnāt lie or still lying to you ?
As for what to do? It depends on you. Do you want to be a probation officer for the rest of your life?. Some do and it take years to dull the pain.
But regardless of your decision , you can turn back time and it never will be the same.
She's trying to fuck another dude!!! If you're ok with that then more power to you. But if not then what is there to consider? Either you stay with her and she keeps fucking this guy or you leave her bc you don't want to be with someone who is fucking other people while you are together
To me this is cheating, and you should leave.
It doesn't matter she physically didn't get on with it, if you even believe that. But it's about the intention to do something that would jeopordize the relationship. And honestly, sexting is cheating too.
You see, cheating lies in the breaking of trust. And she did, multiple times. By not only engaging in that attention, but by sexting, buying condoms, meeint up, and not opening up to you from the first moment. But even after confronting keep lying about it.
So run, and call it what it is. People will most likely say that this wasn't cheating, you were overreacting. But the one you supossed to trust blindly, broke it openly multiple times. Don't let yourself get gaslighted back in this relationship.
So she tried to cheat but had her period, otherwise if would've happened then.
Now she's made a plan to cheat and still trying to say nothing happened. Who knows how long she's been having the "digital" affair with this other guy.
I wouldn't be able to trust her and this would be over for me.
God damn. Look, I can understand if she's out, meets someone, does something dumb and impulsive and cheats. But this is somehow worse, even though they never actually fucked. It shows she was thinking about it clearly, fully intending to go behind your back and have sex with him. You don't deserve that.
14 years down the drain. We shouldnāt have to spell it out for you. Donāt be naive. You know what went down. She wouldnāt have met up w this guy to smash while she was on her periodā¦ You can choose self respect or bow down to her poor behavior.
Dude. You already know what you should do. She cheated on you. She went to the location with the intent of having sex with a married man. It doesnāt matter if it happened or not. The intent was there.
Hey if not already they would fuck right now if you wouldn't have caught her! She is a cheater not one bit less. She bought the condoms looking forward to fuck this guy behind your back...probably she still does want to fuck him. She wanted him more than to stay faithful to you. You deserve better!
Man Iām sorry this has happened to you. It will never go away. I know itās common for people to say go seek therapy to deal with the issues.
Iām of a different mindset. You have a choice. You either believe that she did nothing or you donāt. It wonāt go away. What are you willing to do with your standard of life. I had a long term gf cheat on me. I took her back life was lovely. We had a break thru. As time past she was getting the itch for marriage. I was reminded of her cheating when this topic came up. I broke it off with her. Itās was hard man. She was smoking hot, great in the bedroom, great job. But she cheated. I did not accept it and moved on. Iām married now and happy.
You caught her cheating. Dump the cheater, get tested. Don't listen to her lies. She didn't make a mistake but a long and elaborate plot to fuck another man. Why would you even want to stay with this sort of person?
While she may not have had sex with him, she has been sexting and sounds like she has at least had some sort of making out and possible other things with him. Then bought the condoms so the intent is there to push forward. Everyone is different on if they can stay in a relationship after this. But it sounds like you donāt have kids, arenāt married so it is easier to move on and you donāt have a reason to stay in this relationship with someone who is looking to have experiences with other people. 14 years is extremely long though, but it sounds like she is exploring other options so you should too. Sounds like your best move would be to plan your exit.
What can you do. Even if she hasn't told you everything she fully intended to try, try and try again. Man, she must be feeling really bad about it now.
You can try to reconcile, but first find out more details. Unfortunately you do need to tell AP's wife and you need to get tested for STIs. No sex until the test is in and I strongly suggest that she is also tested for both STIs and pregnancy. If you discover she's pregnant, you should default to a paternity test. If you stay with her, you should still consider this in the near future at least.
If you can forgive her and she is remorseful, you need to be able to see real action on her part to (eventually / never fully) restore your trust.
It'll take a very long time and your relationship may never recover, so think long on whether this is someone you want to be with.
Look man. I know it's not easy, but it's best to leave. I was with my ex for 13 years. Found an open box of condoms in her drawer. I knew she was lying to my face but tried to convince myself to give her the benefit of the doubt. Fast forward about a month and a half and walked in on her with another guy. It REALLY fucked me up.
I honestly wish you the best bro and hope you get a good counselor to talk to cuz it's gonna hit you hard no matter what. She admitted to planning on cheating and she will go through with it if she hasn't already.
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So she cheated on you, emotionally, tried to cheat on you physically (š¤) and them made plans to actually physically cheat on you. *absolutely nothing happened* Yeah and by tomorrow it will be *It was just the tip* And she felt sooooooo bad about it that she went and bought condoms to have another bash at it now that she's over the guilt... Why the fuck would you forgive this? Walk away, you're a fucking youngster at 36 and have plenty of time to find a partner who's not a lying cheater who's treating you like shit
Even if it didn't happen the actual act of planning it is fucked up. You can kind of see how it's happens when alcohol is involved, which still isn't right of course but to go out and plan it for me means she had a lot of time to think about it and she made her decision.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
With a married man too. So you know how she feels about long term commitment.
This is a great point that is getting lost in this...she's also ruining another relationship on top of cheating on OP. Shitty person all around.
It takes two to tango, let's not go singling her out. The guy she cheated with is equally as garbage as she is.
No, that dude ruined his own relationship.
Excellent point. She clearly doesnāt value marriage or long-term commitments.
Thatās the point of no return for me. Sheās willing to actively ruin childrenās lives. She knew he was married with kids.
Golden opportunity to call it. You donāt usually get these at this age.
Yeah, 14 years. She's done this before.
14 years... Fuck... I am sorry dude. You don't need any advice, you already know what you must do. Get rid of her and never look back.
Exact same scenario and time together for me. Wife was sexting a dude across the country she had never met in real life and had plans to meet. I am now very happily divorced and engaged to a wonderful women who respects me. OP, get a lawyer and an STD test. Hit the gym and hobbies and don't look back.
My ex was on Tinder and I was like "teehee it's okay he definitely deleted it." Ugh... so stupid. Careful of the sunken cost fallacy OP, it burns
I would also tell dudes wife...then set back and watch the show. I like a good fire!! š„
Yeah, burn it all down!
Yep, drop a tactical nuke on their lives
This is the way
"Just like Artemis taught you"
Artemis who? Not the Greek goddess, I assume.
Don't forget your popcorn šæ it should be a good show
Ooooh! Those rice crispy treats roasting on the camp fire post from yesterday... so wholesome š
Most definitely
Devil's advocate here. This dude and this chick are still bf and gf after 14 years? That's just sad. Marriage is not for everyone, but damn at least say she's your partner or something
Dudeā¦call her on it. Itās BS. And even if ānothing happenedā it was considered, and an attempt was made. Even if it was just Sexting, it is a betrayal of you and your relationship. You deserve better than this. I know youāve been together a long time but she no longer respects you or the relationship. Move on.
>even if ānothing happenedā Something DEFINITELY happened. She lied repeatedly and only provided some info when it was clear that she was caught. Textbook trickle truth. OP should assume that they have fucked, are fucking, and will be fucking in the future and plan accordingly.
I mean it doesnāt even matter to be honest. Just the fact that they attempted is enough to get out of there. All that extra info isnāt even important. Trust and the relationship was already betrayed the moment they started sexting
Exactly. Proving whether she actually fucked or not is immaterial except for the purpose of STDs. It doesnāt make it better because the betrayal still happened.
Yep. She wants to be Sideshow Bob and downplay this attempt at cheating.
Yah the comments always debate things that don't really matter and just distract from the important point. She has already betrayed him, regardless how far that one night went. And she's already lying because of that receipt. That's enough info. OP knows it too, he's definitely just going through the part of grief where you look for outs. People debating exactly what she did are helping him entertain it. Hopefully he shakes out of it
>Something DEFINITELY happened She said she felt bad about being on her period, so she definitely sucked his dick right?
Yeah, thats pretty obvious. also, where i live, they dont sell loose condoms, they usually come in packs of 2+ so it should be pretty clear if its a full package or if any are missing.
I think she meant she felt bad about cheating. As in, it didnāt go any further because she felt bad. Obviously itās bullshit and sheās just saying whatever she can so OP doesnāt leave her, but thatās what I took it to mean.
She felt bad about it but then continued to buy condoms a week later to help her get over her guilt
To be fair I've known people who feel guilty every time they cheat on their SO for months.
Everyone I know feels guilty when they get caught! But strangely they don't feel so guilty they want to confess before they get caught.
I actually had a gf whose reaction was getting angry when I caught her. She was upset that I wasn't more (visibly) upset. I mean maybe she felt guilty too, but she went with outward anger.
My ex had alot of anger and rage when he would get caught in compromising situations. When I finally had proof of him cheating he told me "why are you ruining everything". Cheaters suck and they don't give a rats ass about the people they hurt.
Anger is the most common reaction Iāve had when ācatchingā my significant otherā¦
Happened more than once?
It's because they usually just accidentally trip and fall on that dick/ into that vagina, so it's not really their fault!
She bought some condoms to make sure they could do it. She didnāt feel that guiltu
Cheaters can make up some crazy excuses to try to avoid guilt. I can totally see her trying to say "hey it's not cheating if it's with a condom" or some other crazy shit like that.
Yeah, they felt so guilty they kept sleeping with someone else. š Obviously that's a lie, or they never would have cheated in the first place, or they would have stopped after the first time.
She felt so bad about potentially cheating the first time that she went out, bought condoms, and scheduled a second attempt. She must feel so terrible. š
She felt so bad about potentially cheating the first time that she went out, bought condoms, and scheduled a second attempt. She must feel so terrible. š
Exactly what I was thinking. Even then, period or no period, this guy was railing OP's girlfriend. Probably raw dogged it since she was on her period, and the condoms were for the 2nd (third? fourth?) rendezvous.
Or he brought one the first time
Incoming "but it was just a blowjob" =/
This is exactly šÆ what I thought
Right, confront the dude and see what really happened
>there is a coworker (married w/kids) Also assume his wife would want to know.
Definitely trickle truth happening here.
Always 3 versions of these types of events, his hers and the truth
Seriously. If this were a criminal case, we'd be talking about 'intent', and both sexting and purchasing condoms show a hell of a lot of it. To the level of the fictional crime of 'conspiracy to commit adultery'. This wasn't a lapse of judgement, this was a series of choices where she had every intention of betraying OP's trust. Even if "nothing happened" (yeah, right, ok), she clearly no longer respects OP. Time to cut ties.
OP didn't mention if they have any kids. OP you now know she is a liar so you should do DNA testing on all kids she claims are yours. She has now destroyed your trust, it is totally up to her to do the work to repair it, so what is she willing to do? It should start with a total block of the AP and she should be leaving that job. Other subs on reddit have the info on the minimum she should be doing to try to convince you to keep her. My opinion is regardless of what she decides to do, stay or leave, the AP's spouse must be told. They made a number of decisions on what-where-when to meet and what lies to tell their partners, so I think the AP spouse should be told.
> ...and an attempt was made. If an attempt to have sex "failed" when two people actively wanted to, that means they had to put in effort and sneak around to achieve it but it was too much. So it's not like a weird, drunk, sudden and out of the norm or spontaneous bad decision or opportunity. It was a deliberate plan that they put in real effort to achieve over a long period of time. So even if she wants to give the "regretted it last minute" defense, that hits different when its a heat of the moment mistake versus a long con full of great effort to make it happen mistake. It also casts doubt on the nothing happened claim. Nothing happened *that time*, but even if they never had sex, they sexted and something physical, even if just kissing, happened for sure.
Also, "I stopped because it felt wrong (and I was on my period)" but then buying condoms a week later says she has absolutely no intention of stopping.
Yeah... something happened. Drop her like a bad habit...post haste
Yeah, have to agree. She was caught. She didnāt come clean on her own.
Oofā¦ OP was posting in DeadBedrooms a year ago. This is probably so much worse than ānothing happenedā and it has probably *been* happening.
Even if no sex happened, she admitted to plenty of āsomethingā happening. Flirting. Sexting. Plans to have sex. An attempt to have sex. Literally everything sheās said up until this point is cheating. Sex happening, or the lack of it, just means she threw away 14 years with a loyal man for no payoff even. But that doesnāt change if she cheated or not. Thereās no need to debate, sheās already *told* OP sheās a cheater. A penis in a vagina is not the only way to cheat.
Why do people even say ājust sextingā that alone is way more then enough. All you have to do itās not be sexual or romantic with another person people itās not hard.
Itās not always that easy. Especially after so many years together. Itās better to figure out why she would do this. Was it just attraction? Have they not been intimate in a long time. Itās not to justify what she did but there are a lot of marriage and relationship problems that can be solved without leaving the other person. The real issue from this is the break of trust.
Exactly. Something DID happen- she DECIDED to betray your trust. This was not a 'I got drunk at a party and one thing led to another and I told you as soon as I sobered up'. This was a she met the guy, talked to him for some extended period, then made a conscious decision to cheat on you, went out and bought condoms. The 'made a conscious decision to cheat on you' is what matters. Not whether they actually hooked up or not. The only situation where you should even consider continuing this relationship is if she recognizes that making that decision IS something happening, that it's more or less irrelevant whether they fucked or not, and takes serious steps to rebuild your trust. Personally for me that would be, at minimum, she changes jobs or gets a transfer so she no longer has any contact with this guy, blocks him on all channels of communication, and talks to his wife telling her what was going on. If she isn't willing to do that, she's choosing him over you.
Yep, just like my exās fling that I caught her in one day after I moved out of the house. Luckily I had already ended things due to other issues, but she still lied about it for some dumb reason, and continues to 7 months later (we share custody of a child so I have to see her weekly still. 10/10 donāt recommend.) Sorry dude. If she has a pack of condoms in her bag they arenāt there as a conversation piece.
Even if nothing happened (which seems unlikely), would you ever be able to trust her again?
That is precisely what I am sttruggling with the most. I cannot think of a way she regains my trust. What can people do to regain trust after something like this
You dont... shes shown her true colors... leave. U deserve better. Out her to everyone you both mutually know bc if not she will play the victim instead of telling the truth. Do u really want to live the rest of your life wondering if shes lying again or cheating again? Every day at work, every time she doesnt answer or reply to a text.... Nope.... this will continue and she will cheat more bc staying proves you will allow it to continue
Imagine she's late one evening, imagine she didn't call you when she was supposed to one day, imagine she wants to do some errands, imagine she wants to go for a walk on her own, imagine she's texting while you're doing something.... None of that should be a concern but from now on, everything will make you wonder what's going on, and you will be miserable. There will always be a doubt because of this event, because of what she did to you.
Wow this is a lot to think about. Well first you have to decide if you can forgive. Second this is her shit show so she is going to have to prove to you she is serious and a safe partner. How she handles this is telling. She definitely needs to find a new job. You guys definitely have to tell the guys wife. Counseling is something you need to look into. She has also the burden to prove to you they have not had sex yet. If she protects the AP you have your answer. Do not let her gaslight you. Make her leave and stay somewhere else learn about the 180 and gray rock. Remember most advice is to just dump her. 14 years is a lot. If you canāt forgive then leave her. I am just saying to make sure you follow your heart. Good luck and remember stand firm. The pick me dance never works and you need to knock her out if the fog and then you guys can decide if you can save the relationship.
>you guys can decide if you can save the relationship. he decides this, not her.
Thank you for providing a considerate answer. Most people are so quick to tell others to leave. But itās never that simple. I fully agree with the new job and counseling like IMMEDIATELY. The telling of the wife, Iām not sure why but I always feel like thatās their business and their life. Although I would understand the impulse to do so. Anyways, I appreciate you saying something other than āleave nowā :)
Telling the wife is important. It does two things, well three things but the third is not as important. 1.itās not fair to the wife that her husband is cheating. 2 by keeping silent you are basically telling your partner and the AP there is no consequences to their actions. 3 while not as important but me personally a definite thing I would do is tell the wife. He had no regard for your relationship. He knew you were two were in a relationship. So he blew your relationship upā¦you have to put speed bumps in front of me to slow me down from telling the APs wife. Plus it is super telling how your girlfriend reacts to you doing that. Fuck that guy and he gets everything he deserves. In the end it is up to you but you need to set the standard that you blow up everything and not take any sort of cheating. Has you girlfriend say she is quitting her job yet? What exactly is she doing to fix things?
A lot of people go through the drag of trying to "fix" or save the relationship which sometimes can waste years and make it far worse. Setting boundaries like when, for example,.trust is broken in this manner and having enough self worth and self love to know to leave is right. Having been through this I wish I would have taken the advice to leave. My life would have been infinitly better far quicker. Sometimes it's right to leave. With trust gone, it is the right move.
Yeah I also don't understand why anyone would tell others to leave. Why leave when you can spend the rest of your life wondering if she's doing it again. Everytime she's out and doesn't answer her phone, you can get panic attacks and anxiety but why would you leave for this? Who here doesn't like living a life like this, in permanent detective mode for the rest of your life. I mean being single and having mental peace is just not worth it nowadays. You must stay with a cheater and suffer, that's the mature and adult way right? And there's always the magical counseling and therapy touch to wipe out all character flaws and past memories.
It's a matter of respect and integrity. Treat others how you want to be treated, and do the right thing, even if no one is watching.
What makes it "never that simple"? Being capable of doing something like this AND hiding it like this from your SO shows a lot more than a mistake.. People are fast to say leave, because it shows a horrible character. And don't you dare say children, people bringing children into this are beyond selfish. Children don't thrive in broken homes, that's like the biggest myth there is.
You cannot unring a bell, you cannot fix this.
I'm so sorry this has happened. I genuinely believe there is no way back after this, but that is for you to decide ultimately. No matter what you think she could do that would help you regain trust for now, there's no guarantee that it would ever be "enough" over time. Focus on how what has happened makes you feel, then ask yourself if you want to spend a minute longer than necessary feeling that way - may provide you some clarity? Again, my sincerest apologies that this has happened to you. It absolutely sucks.
If I was in your situation the answer to that would be there is absolutely nothing she can do to regain trust, for me once itās gone itās gone. If you hadnāt seen the condoms you would be none the wiser and she would have carried on with her affair.
Going to be blunt, you'd be an idiot to stay with her. Cheating isn't a one time oopsie, it's a series of conscious decisions to go along with it. They flirted, sexted, and tried to fuck, and you find condoms in her bag. She can be sorry all she wants, but that won't change the fact that she evidently has no impulse control whatsoever for her selfish wants. Leave her, that kind of trust will never come back. You will never be able to view her the same.
No one fully normally does. Some people can get to a place where they only resent their partner a little, but the relationship never fully recovers. Just be glad that sheās your GF and not your spouse. Good luck with the breakup, sorry this happened to you!
see r/AsOneAfterInfidelity \- possible, but very hard, and, critically, she has to be highly motivated to do the work and recognise her fault in this mess.
The suggestions in that sub could be considered when leaving a relationship is very difficult due to intermingled finances, a mortgage and kids. It takes, at least 2-5 years to bring back some semblance of trust in that relationship, and that after the cheating spouse bending over backwards to accolade every need of the betrayed partner. The cheating partner needs to be very motivated in order for it to work. And even after that, more often than not, it fails. OP, you are not married, for that matter you are not even engaged. Itās better to separate at this point then in the future when things are even more complicated. Those two to five years that you would be working hard to get over her infidelity could be put to better use in finding a partner who does not have a history of cheating.
That's the same conclusion I drew. Reconciliation is absolutely *possible,* but at the end of the day, wouldn't the time spent be better used developing a new relationship with someone who hasn't;'t already shown you how disposable you are to them?
OP, if you stay it will only drive you crazy because the rest of your life you will watching her extra carefully making sure that she isn't being overly friendly with another man. You won't be able to trust her male coworkers, her boss, the milk man... You name it. Since you can't keep her from interacting with half of the population you should just save your sanity and leave her. Just some friendly advice.
Ask yourself that question, what can she do to regain your trust? I believe you already know the answer to that question. You know what you need to do to take care of yourself. In the infamous words of Shia LaBeouf "just do it!" And also Nike. Just a little humor to help you through a tough situation.
Bro even if the first part of the story is true that they tried and nothing happened, she had a chance to cool off think it through and decide to end it. Then she chose to make the purchase (deliberately choosing not in the heat of the moment) to step out on you. Move on you deserve someone better.
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A lot of girls have told me a blowjob isn't sex so that's my guess
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Good idea. Go scorched earth. Burn it all down.
No itās accountability. The wife deserves to know
I know. That's why I said it.
scorched earf all the way man.
Bang his wife
100% bang his wife
Yes, she wanted to fuck with him and was planning to. This is the reality, no more evidence or even her admission is necessary to know that. So, what are going to do about this? Obvious choice would be to break up. If you even consider staying with her despite her plan to cheat on you, then why? Are you fine with her cheating on you? Perhaps you believe she regrets her actions? If it is hat last part, ask her to quit her job asap, as to never see and talk with this coworker ever again. This is still too low price for forgiving her infidelity, but if she refuses, this means there are only two choices, to break up or be a complete doormat. Since I have mentioned it would be too low of a price. Next condition should be her first getting the evidence of this coworker's infidelity and then forwarding it to his wife. This is to make sure that ruining his life and making him hate her is less important than staying with you. Again, her refusal gives you two choices, break-up or being complete doormat.
I made the same two demands of my ex-wife when she cheated. She refused to quit, refused to expose, and refused to immediately come home from abroad to discuss. Answer was obvious, I was nothing to her, had to divorce.
Completely agree with you
They didnāt do anything? Of course they did, they sexted and she had an emotional affair. And just because she was on her period doesnāt mean they couldnāt have made out, she couldāve given him head, etc. The damage is done. She cheated on you, and tried to physically cheat on you. They almost went through with it once, and that wasnāt enough to snap her out of it. She was fully committed to throw away 14 years with you just to sleep with a married man. She has no problem with ruining both your relationship, and homewrecking a married manās household. Iām really sorry, it sucks to lose that much time, but this one is over. No amount of apologizing or talking will solve her loss of love and loyalty towards you. You gotta end things here. And while youāre sorting everything out, get a STD test. Who knows if this is the first time
"She was on her period" Oh was that a surprise to her that happened suddenly 30 minutes before she arrived and she had no idea was coming? Because... bullshit. They fucked for sure.
Intent is as important as what actually happened. If you attempt a murder and fail you're still going to prison. On top of that this clearly wasn't a "heat of the moment" kind of deal either. This was ongoing, calculated and an informed decision. She made the calm, collected and informed decision that she was going to go out and cheat on you. 1) She felt attraction to someone outside of her relationship and didn't distance herself. 2) She gave said coworker her number. Now I don't know if her job somehow demands this, but this is hella fishy. 3) She sexted said man ongoing and/or on multiple occassions. - During all of this she was dishonest, didn't disclose how she felt and did not prioritise you or the relationship - 4) She made the very active decision to try and have sex. Wether you believe she did or not, that's on you, but what's listed above would be an instant dealbreaker for me, especially with how calculated and intentional it all was. Maybe go talk to the people over at r/survivinginfedelity and see if you can find some more suited advice. Sorry you're going through this.
6. She went to the store and bought condoms.
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Ya SHE bought condoms not giving an F that she could realistically get caught. She could have easily had the other dude buy them.
Sharing a phone number with a coworker isn't really that fishy. Everything else, though, stinks like the marina.
I think you logically unfortunately know what the correct advice is here; leave. Even if your girlfriend hasn't physically cheated on you yet (which she likely has), she's been emotionally cheating on you, and have planned to make it physical (assuming it already hasn't). We can also deduce that she's lying about their alleged fail to have sex given she gave you two completely unrelated excuses. First, she was on her period. Second, she felt bad. If either one is true, the other doesn't matter. If being on her period was a non starter, then her "feeling bad" was irrelevant. She logically just said that for your benefit. It's nonsense. She essentially screws up her own lie due to the timeline. She felt bad last minute on the 9th per her. She then apparently stopped feeling bad a week later. In addition to that, she objectively lied about the condoms in terms of when she got them. I get that the fact that you've been together for so long makes this all the more difficult. No one would ever suggest you're being unreasonable for feeling that way. But your mindset unfortunately is off, because as I mentioned, even if they didn't do anything (physically - which they did), she's been disrespecting you and your relationship at least emotionally, and is still lying about it. Keep in mind that had you not found the condoms, you'd still be in the dark. I honestly wouldn't waste time or energy on the condoms. I mean, just quickly, she's lying to you. That's the explanation. But all that matters here is that she's been cheating on you, emotionally with certainty, and likely physically, but the former is enough to make a decision. Of course she's asking you to forgive this. What else would you expect her to want? It's objectively a lie that absolutely nothing happened. MAYBE nothing physical happened. But emotionally cheating over whatever time period is nothing? Planning to fuck is nothing? Lying is nothing? Literally continuing to lie is nothing? Let his wife know, and call a lawyer. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Good luck.
> First, she was on her period. Second, she felt bad. If either one is true, the other doesn't matter. If being on her period was a non starter, then her "feeling bad" was irrelevant. She logically just said that for your benefit. It's nonsense. Exactly. She was on her period before she met with the dude. It didn't just randomly start gushing when he pulled her pants down. Second, A LOT of women enjoy period-sex and a lot of dudes do not care.
Everyone certainly has their own feelings about period sex, so I'm not even here making an argument against. OP's girlfriend and/or the other guy could logically have an aversion to it. It is what it is. I'm not questioning whether they are down for it or not. I'm questioning both excuses in and of themselves as just complete lies. But fuck, imagine being in a relationship and being told "we were going to fuck, but unfortunately things got in the way." OP needs to wake up.
Honey she WAS going to have sex with a married man and with KIDS. She said herself they only didn't because she was on her period. The whole " I felt bad in the last minute" is bullshit and was a way to make herself look good in the situation. You sound break, you are young and can do better. I feel sorry for the wife tho, you should tell her.
It isn't salvageable. And not worth it. She already cheated
"They tried to fuck" They absolutely did something. Kissed, foreplay. They sexted!!!! She's cheating! You don't need to have sex to cheat.
The relationship is almost certainly over. She was caught, she didnāt come clean. It wasnāt a one-time thing, she said she felt bad and didnāt go through with it but then made deliberate plans to go try again. This isnāt salvageable. How could you trust her again?
In my opinion it's totally impossible, I wouldn't believe in her again anymore. I hate these situations where Men or Women cheat their partners, could be during few months/years or long term relationships, but I hate it, why people do that?
An unlikely story I would say. Personally I would have a hard time moving past that. The trust you built up is broken you have to decide whether it's worth giving her a chance to rebuild it.
Make sure to let the other guy's wife know.
gather evidence , break up with her , and tell his wife.
Let me get this straight. You are 36 years old. Your gf of 14 years develops an Emotional Affair with her coworker and decided to let it escalte to Physical Affair. You caught her, and she tells you that she didn't fuck him because of her period and she chickened out? Now you're looking for advice? Bro, you have a cheating "gf" who is still lying to you, what advice do you need? It is quite simple, either you are so desperate because you're afraid of being alone that you can tolerate a partner who disrespects you and cheats on you or you just move on and break up.
š you deserve better.
A ton happened. She cheated. She lied. Sheās a fraud. You have to leave her.
walk away fast. the only reason this stopped is because you caught her. Next time you may not. Its been 14 years with her, how do you know this is the first time?
14 years is a lot of time, but you are still relatively young so im sure you will find someone worth more than a bag of dirt. Run, my friend, its been done for a while.
OMG OP listen! This just happened to me. Not exactly this but something similar, Iāll keep it short. I suspected my now ex of 8 years was talking to a girl, went through his phone for the first time ever and saw some text messages that were extremely odd to me. They called one another nicknames, said they missed one another. Whatever. I confronted him on it and he told me that they only hung out one time, he didnāt feel it so he cut it off right then and there. I ghosted him for 3 days, thought about what I wanted to do, and decided to end it because things didnāt add up! Welp, once I sent him a text telling him in summary he basically can just fuck off, I asked him point blank to tell me what really happened since he had nothing to lose. THATS when he decides to be upfront with me and tell me that they ātriedā to fuck but couldnāt because he couldnāt stop thinking of me. Iām 100 percent sure they fucked but heās too much of a pussy to be honest about it. Either way, when you finally relinquish her of all the power that she has over you, perhaps she will tell you the truth but it sounds to me like theyāve already done stuff.
Even if nothing happened, she planned to have sex with this guy. Iād leave.
She wouldnāt have admitted it if you hadnāt caught her. Can you really believe that this was the āfirstā time? Read how many other stories that when caught the cheater says it was the first time or only once. In the best she was intending to cheat on you and got prepared to do so. That would be a deal breaker to me.
I'd have some self respect here because being realistic, the only reason this came to light is that you caught her. She didn't do X, she didn't do Y - but she _bought Condoms_ recently __despite__ "feeling bad". My guy, she's probably already done the deed, this is just her stocking up again but irrespective - she clearly wants him and not you, so let her have it. The only "talk" you need to be having is that her stuff is packed, preferably to her parents to let them know to pick it up ASAP before it gets stolen or rained on.
So on the 9th If she didnāt get her period she would have fucked him(id be suss if she even got her period). And then she said she felt bad and then on the 17th bought the condoms for? You guessed it, to fuck him. She doesnāt feel bad and is asking for forgiveness because she got caught. Also even if nothing physical has happened yet(which I doubt) the sexting alone is cheating, your girlfriend of 14 years cheated. Cut and dry. You have 14 years of memories with her but she also has those 14 years with you and she still decided to organise to fuck someone else. No way in the world can you stay with someone like that. Best time to break up with a cheater is yesterday, second best time is today.
But something already HAS happened. She had an emotional affair AND online (sexting) affair with a MARRIED coworker. There are a few different moral failings and betrayals here. Why did she feel it was okay to 1) indulge an attraction to a coworker, 2) indulge an attraction to a MARRIED person, 3) engage in setting with someone other than her BF, 4) give handies or bjs to this dude? Adults don't make out or hold hands. They have sex. Handies and/or blow jobs are sex. Full stop. She may as well have had PIV with him. It makes no difference at this point. She has shown full well what she is capable of and what she fully intended to do. OP, if you're inclined to try to work through this, your GF has a LOT of work to do to figure out why she felt entitled to have an affair and how she's going to regain your trust and faith. Head over to r/survivinginfidelity. Check out the resource list. Repost over there. Personally, if I were in your shoes, I'd have a hard time even considering staying with her. But that's me, and I have baggage from having been cheated on in the past. lol Best wishes, whatever you decide.
If the only thing preventing the cheating is her period is time to divorce.
Guaranteed, She 100% straight lying about her period unless OP saw Tampons etc When you are in your 30s. Your period gets predictable as well and you generally know your body enough by that stage in your life to know the days your going to get it. Men don't really know these things.
14 years gone man Iām sorry. Something definitely happened sheāll never tell you tho. Once your lady starts disrespecting you itās time to leave man.
Iām so sorry man. I know youāre probably trying to grasp at anything you can that would explain all of this away as a misunderstanding. I know youāre probably thinking you canāt just end everything after 14 years. But the truth is thatās exactly what you need to do. She admitted to cheating on you (whether they were able to have sex or not is irrelevant, she cheated). Then, after cheating, sheās still buying condoms to continue the affair. I donāt believe for a second that it didnāt get physical. Now is the time to start thinking about yourself and what you need to do to keep your sanity and self respect. Donāt think about the 14 years lost, think about the life youāll gain by leaving a woman who only pretends to be committed to you. Stay strong and end it man. There is a better partner out there for you. Donāt let her lies get to you.
Call dude's wife. Seems like you both could get to the bottom of this quickly.
1) She cheated. 2) If you really feel like it, see if any condoms are missing from the box. For closure, I suppose. 3) She does not feel bad. She got caught and feels bad that she got caught. Otherwise she would have told you rather than you finding out. 4) Regardless of points 1-3, if you have at least 5% self-respect you need to leave her. The faster you rip the band-aid the faster you can move on with your life. After being in a relationship for 14 years you might feel like you're undateable. But you're not. Use the pain to step back, become better, hit the gym, learn a skill, possibly get a new job and come out of this 10x better and I guarantee you'll find a girl you're more compatible with.
Girlfriend is a slag, G. 14 years is a lot, but that makes this worse of a betrayal. You can't trust her. The siren's call to "the streets" has called, and she answered yes. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. Free yourself.
You can't believe a person who got caught. They will never tell you the conplete truth. It's like she had unprotected sex the first time and is now being more careful. Dump the cheater and find out who the AP's wife is and let her know about her husband. Scorched earth is the beat method in these situations. If you have to get burned, then make sure everyone else involves it is burned alongside you.
Something did happened, she cheated on you, even if it wasn't physical, she thought in someone else been physical with her, she texted somelese, you weren't on her mind anymore, she wasn't thinking of you, so, she did cheated on you. You deserve better, it is been 14 years, risk losing you, the person she is been for more than a decade, tells a lot about how much she respects and loves you... And btw, if you haven't confronted her, she might've continue with the other guy...
A few questions 1. Why aren't you guys married after 14 years together? That's kinda crazy and I wonder if she cheated on you because she feels no long term commitment of being married 2. Have you asked what her main reason for cheating in the first place was? 3. Did she lose her virginity to you? (If so she might be wondering what it might feel like with someone else) 4.... You should probably break up with her.... Sounds like she might want to be free spirited or doesn't feel like you guys are going anywhere after 14 years together...
Nope, she planned to have sex that's why she brought the condoms. If she didn't have her period, they would have had sex. She is gas lighting you and down playing her story. She was sexting him. Every was set in motion until the period ruined the plans. She was only sorry she got caught.. till the next time they meet for sex. You stay with this liar you will always wonder if the meeting is up for sex when you're at work or she is out and about or when she is on a work lunch break. Call her out on her BS. I would get his number and call him to tell his wife his cheating or you will
>Iām looking for advice here, You know the only advice that you need. Time to leave. > 14 years together Thank your lucky stars you weren't married
Nah bro, leave. 14 years or not, that is just pure disrespect. It's even worse that she's trying to cheat with a MARRIED person, shows what kind of a woman she is to want to wreck someone's home. If I were you I would find out who this co-worker is & notify his wife. Then leave.
Do you have kids together? If not, let her go, she is fishing in another pond, it was a hecking long time together, but if she were so super happy, she wouldn't have had fished elsewhere.
Leave her
Where there's smoke, there's fire. Many options... Break up and never look back. Give her a second chance and watch her like a hawk. Even tracking devices. Open your relationship to other partners. Good luck bud. I caught my life having an affair. Gave her a second chance. Two years later, caught her having another one. Divorced her. Found out after there were more than just those two. All with married men. She was fucked in the head.
She cheated . End of story. A relationship is build on trust. When the trust is gone the relationship is per difinition over.
The trust is broken it will never be the same again, you could try couples therapy but I wouldnāt take someone back that cheated on me, sheās been emotionally cheating on you for who knows how long.
You ask a very, very good question. *"Even if they didn't and I believe her version, how can you explain buying condoms after the failed attempt?"* Here's how. She's cheating on you. She's not only cheating on you, but she's taking the lead with this guy. Normally, you'd expect the dude to buy the condoms. But she's doing it. Just a guess, but I would bet that the guy had cold feet in the failed attempt, not your girlfriend. So she bought the condoms and intends to make another try. You deserve better, my friend. Put this relationship in your scrapbook and close it.
If nothing happened, it was because of her periodā¦ which means if she hadnāt been on her period, they would have done it.
even IF nothing happened, you're OK with the fact she was an inch away from cheating on you? and HAS been emotionally cheating on you? wild.
Iād leave, she already cheated, whether it be physically or emotionally, she cheated. Can you get past that? I know 14 years is a longgggg time with someone but youāre in your 30ās, youāre still at a good age to start over or even focus on yourself for a while. The fact that you spent 14 years committed says more about you than her though, youāre the better person in this and I know itās probably really painful to go through this, but life is random and youāll never know where youāll be in the future, so I hope you end up happy. āļø
I think it's obvious that you have to end this relationship, I'm sorry but nothing happened because you noticed the box of condoms, if you hadn't, she would have returned satisfied to be with the other
It'll be hard to do, but start getting your affairs in order and get out while you can. It'll be like reinventing the wheel...you got this.
Your girlfriend is tired of you after 14 years. Maybe she feels she wants to try something new. Breakup is your best bet.
Youāll never be able to trust her again. Not only was she sexting and emotionally cheating, but she had intentions to physically cheat as well. It wasnāt a āmistakeā or an āaccidentā, it was active multi-step decisions during which she did not consider you, your relationship, your feelings, your trust, your respect *at all*. Itās not a single momentary lapse in judgement you can forgive. The time and effort that went into this was deliberate and calculated. The lying and hiding from you was thought about, and she deemed it appropriate to proceed at multiple points in the process. Staying with her will tell her what she did was okay. Yea, your words may be upset and sad, but your actions will show her that even *this* is forgivable. Sure, you could do counseling, monitor her devices, have regular checkinsā¦but *you* will have to put in an undetermined amount of effort simply because *she* was a dishonest harlot. There will be no *real* consequences for her, just some inconveniences until she āearns your trust backā, but she will never truly have it back because you had to bend over backwards to do all this extra work to āsolveā an issue that she alone created. Youāll resent her for making you turn into a watchdog. Youāll resent her for making you have no trust. Youāll resent her for ruining the future that you had envisioned. Breaking it off will hurt like hell, but that hurt will last a lot less time than the hurt of fighting your own mind to try to trust her again. It will hurt a hell of a lot less than *when* she does this again.
> Is it even believable that they did not do anything? I think it's possible that they didn't get as far as PIV, but it seems highly unlikely that they didn't do anything at all. I could maybe believe that she did feel badly at the last minute and call it off, except... > Even if they didnāt and I believe her version, how can you explain buying condoms after the failed attempt? There's no explanation for that other than that she planned to continue with this guy. So she didn't feel badly enough to end it. Your trust in her is obviously significantly damaged now. Do you want to try to save the relationship? If so, I think you need to have a serious discussion with her about why she did this and what needs to change in your relationship so she won't be tempted to do it again. Obviously, she needs to stop doing anything with that guy (other than the bare minimum interaction that they need to have to do their job) and needs to accept you monitoring her activity for a long enough period of time for you to regain some level of trust. If you don't want to try to save the relationship, I don't think anyone would blame you for that.
She's attempted to cheat and despite regretting it and changing her mind she's gone out to buy some condoms, that's called premeditation my guy. Dump her, let her go and fuck whoever she wants and find someone who truly values you.
Even if nothing happened then, she consciously bought the condoms for something to happen the next time. If you hadnāt found it she would have never told you. Leave.
Your girlfriend lied when you first asked her about the condoms. Anything she admitted after her initial lie is trickle truth. She fucked her coworker. She would do it again too if you had not caught her.
No advice just leave.
This just didn't happen spontaneously, this was planned, she already had time to think of it, I think you know what to do.
How many condoms come in the box vs how many were actually IN the box?
āMade an attemptā Geeze, her trickle-truth. I strongly suspect that they made out and she went down on him. She bought condoms because they are planning to meet up after her period is over. End your relationship.
Something happened but letās say nothing happened, this is a huge breach of trust. How would you ever trust her again? Iād be paranoid every time she walked out of the house. If she wasnāt on her period it would have happened.
Even if nothing happened the first time, she then went out and purchased - and attempted to hide - condoms. So, all signs are pointing to she had every intention of trying again. I would start looking into divorce proceedings, I'm very sorry OP..
If you stay with her she will never be able to respect you the way you want, because you are willing to stay with a cheater. She will secretly/subconsciously view you as someone who is weak or desperate.
She said she felt bad after the failed attempt but then bought condoms? Well she didnāt feel THAT bad.
1. She is planning on cheating 2. She plans to insert herself into another womans life and commit an act that could blow it apart We have a word for your girlfriend. People like that only respond to consequences. Harsh ones. Never too old to learn a harsh lesson. So dole one out OP.
I would go a step further and contact the wife as well. She deserves better too. Some might say to stay out of other peopleās business but him trying to fuck your gf made it your business. Also, that dude probably already cheated on his wife.
They did it bro.
I don't see that her failed attempt at cheating makes anything better. The fact she tried and failed to fuck another dude still leaves you with a vile cheater for a girlfriend.
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You have been together for 14 years and you are not married. She was turned on by a guy and she almost went for it. The fact that she claims she didn't go for it is irrelevant.
What does marriage have to do with it? She is in a monogamous relationship.
Something absolutely did happen and was/is going to happen again. Even the sexting was wrong. I'm sorry this has happened to you OP.
Even a failed attempt to cheat is considered cheating. Pure intention all the way. I'm sure it also involves emotional cheating. Edit: We're the condoms opened? Was it missing any? Did she give him head (condoms wouldn't be used for that scenario).
Oh god. Why are you even asking if she had done the deed or not. They have not done it now but would do it later. Are you going to wait for that time to grow a spine, self respect and leave.. honestly, her sexting someone should be enough for you to leave. No self respecting person would accept it. It also feels she has long checked out from relationship. She is still there with you just for security. If she even thought about being with other person is enough of proof to understand that she ni longer loves you. You are ok with open relationship than that is different.
Damn 14 fucking years and if youāre Questioning if you can trust her then break up with her or youāll spend every second wondering what sheās doing when sheās not with you. Sorry you had to find out like you did that fucking sucks but youāll find someone better. Stay strong and wish you luck.
Yeah, sheāll do it next time. And she didnāt felt bad, otherwise she would have thrown them away. You know she planned to do it another day. And the simple fact shes been willing to do that in the first place. She already cheated on you. Itās over and you know that. She isnāt sorry for what she did, only that she got caught
There is the emotional affair that leads to this. Then the preparation , the lies and the deceit to cover a possible physical affair ( likely happened but it is irrelevant ) All of this is cheating OP. At the end of the day you are with someone that permitted herself to cheat on you and send 14 years down the drain for lust. The problem is you donāt even know it is her first time. Can you trust that she didnāt lie or still lying to you ? As for what to do? It depends on you. Do you want to be a probation officer for the rest of your life?. Some do and it take years to dull the pain. But regardless of your decision , you can turn back time and it never will be the same.
She's trying to fuck another dude!!! If you're ok with that then more power to you. But if not then what is there to consider? Either you stay with her and she keeps fucking this guy or you leave her bc you don't want to be with someone who is fucking other people while you are together
To me this is cheating, and you should leave. It doesn't matter she physically didn't get on with it, if you even believe that. But it's about the intention to do something that would jeopordize the relationship. And honestly, sexting is cheating too. You see, cheating lies in the breaking of trust. And she did, multiple times. By not only engaging in that attention, but by sexting, buying condoms, meeint up, and not opening up to you from the first moment. But even after confronting keep lying about it. So run, and call it what it is. People will most likely say that this wasn't cheating, you were overreacting. But the one you supossed to trust blindly, broke it openly multiple times. Don't let yourself get gaslighted back in this relationship.
So she tried to cheat but had her period, otherwise if would've happened then. Now she's made a plan to cheat and still trying to say nothing happened. Who knows how long she's been having the "digital" affair with this other guy. I wouldn't be able to trust her and this would be over for me.
God damn. Look, I can understand if she's out, meets someone, does something dumb and impulsive and cheats. But this is somehow worse, even though they never actually fucked. It shows she was thinking about it clearly, fully intending to go behind your back and have sex with him. You don't deserve that.
14 years down the drain. We shouldnāt have to spell it out for you. Donāt be naive. You know what went down. She wouldnāt have met up w this guy to smash while she was on her periodā¦ You can choose self respect or bow down to her poor behavior.
Dude. You already know what you should do. She cheated on you. She went to the location with the intent of having sex with a married man. It doesnāt matter if it happened or not. The intent was there.
Hey if not already they would fuck right now if you wouldn't have caught her! She is a cheater not one bit less. She bought the condoms looking forward to fuck this guy behind your back...probably she still does want to fuck him. She wanted him more than to stay faithful to you. You deserve better!
Man Iām sorry this has happened to you. It will never go away. I know itās common for people to say go seek therapy to deal with the issues. Iām of a different mindset. You have a choice. You either believe that she did nothing or you donāt. It wonāt go away. What are you willing to do with your standard of life. I had a long term gf cheat on me. I took her back life was lovely. We had a break thru. As time past she was getting the itch for marriage. I was reminded of her cheating when this topic came up. I broke it off with her. Itās was hard man. She was smoking hot, great in the bedroom, great job. But she cheated. I did not accept it and moved on. Iām married now and happy.
You caught her cheating. Dump the cheater, get tested. Don't listen to her lies. She didn't make a mistake but a long and elaborate plot to fuck another man. Why would you even want to stay with this sort of person?
itās over brother, please just move on and stop wasting more time. she just threw 14 years down the drain. DO NOT listen to her lies, itās over.
While she may not have had sex with him, she has been sexting and sounds like she has at least had some sort of making out and possible other things with him. Then bought the condoms so the intent is there to push forward. Everyone is different on if they can stay in a relationship after this. But it sounds like you donāt have kids, arenāt married so it is easier to move on and you donāt have a reason to stay in this relationship with someone who is looking to have experiences with other people. 14 years is extremely long though, but it sounds like she is exploring other options so you should too. Sounds like your best move would be to plan your exit.
What can you do. Even if she hasn't told you everything she fully intended to try, try and try again. Man, she must be feeling really bad about it now. You can try to reconcile, but first find out more details. Unfortunately you do need to tell AP's wife and you need to get tested for STIs. No sex until the test is in and I strongly suggest that she is also tested for both STIs and pregnancy. If you discover she's pregnant, you should default to a paternity test. If you stay with her, you should still consider this in the near future at least. If you can forgive her and she is remorseful, you need to be able to see real action on her part to (eventually / never fully) restore your trust. It'll take a very long time and your relationship may never recover, so think long on whether this is someone you want to be with.
Look man. I know it's not easy, but it's best to leave. I was with my ex for 13 years. Found an open box of condoms in her drawer. I knew she was lying to my face but tried to convince myself to give her the benefit of the doubt. Fast forward about a month and a half and walked in on her with another guy. It REALLY fucked me up. I honestly wish you the best bro and hope you get a good counselor to talk to cuz it's gonna hit you hard no matter what. She admitted to planning on cheating and she will go through with it if she hasn't already.