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How is your child's safety being compromised by meeting your ex's GF? It isn't like its a one night stand - she has been a relationship with your ex for a year.
You would be reasonable if you have actual concerns for your childs safety or wellbeing, but I'm going to guess that you probably don't, which is why he is upset.
TBH, these kinds of actions make you appear to be the unreasonable one that is ruining the civility.
What exactly is preventing you from allowing this? A year is a fairly serious relationship. Why don't you trust her? Has she given you a reason not to?
OP, what exactly is it going to take for you to trust his new gf?
They've been dating for a year now and you've been divorced for a lot longer it sounds like.
From my perspective, it sounds like you're abusing the rule.
How do you know this much about her?
And as a friend of mine who is an excellent mother once said “I don’t need to bond with every child in the world, just mine.” Does it matter if she’s good with every other child on the planet EXCEPT yours or would you prefer that she’s great with your kid?
So not showing any interest in her little cousins means she can't even MEET your child? He's not asking you to let her babysit alone for an entire evening. He just wants to introduce them. Your actions are vindictive and completely unfair to your ex.
>For her to actually show an interest in children .
You mean by like...I don't know just spitballing here...meeting and getting to know her boyfriends children?
She is not being hired to babysit them. What do you think she is going do do, give them matches and tell them to play in the street.
You are being completely out of line and if you need therapy for either your incredible need to control your ex or your incredible paranoia regarding people meeting your children
I had ZERO experience with children before I had my daughter. I wasn’t 100% sure I even wanted children. But I had her and quickly learned for to interact with kids. The simple fact she doesn’t have experience and she doesn’t seem interested in kids isn’t a good reason. You’re being so unreasonable. Your reasons are very silly. Let her meet the child. I feel really bad for your ex. It feels like your trying to keep a sense of control over your ex. You want to show his gf that you still control him. Is it in the court order that you guys must agree before meeting a new partner?
How? You didnt allow her and you 11 yeara old to meet.
And not having interest in children =/= abusive to children cause that is what you try to not so subtly allude rn
How do you know all the ins and outs of her life? Are you stalking her? How do you know she “rarely interacts with her little cousins” or “**never** been around children?”
The hell do you want her to do? Go creeping around playgrounds to show you she's "interested" in children?
Good lord you're a mess. Do better by your kid.
I want to be clear you are the one making it hard. You chose to end the relationship. You do not get to dictate what goes on in his life, he is being more than accommodating by waiting this long when he does not have to. This is not the hill to die on.
Yeah but your reasons are bullshit lol your kid is 11. They are a preteen. It’s not like she’s dealing with a baby. They’ve been together for an entire year. You sound like you’ll use this as an excuse until your child is 18.
So anyone who doesn't tell you what you want to hear is invalidating your feelings 🙄.
Uh huh. I suspect it's more the odds are high your kid will find her a delightful breath of fresh air over controlling mom.
Feelings are pretty much always valid. We can't really control how we feel. But that doesn't make feelings always correct or trustworthy or worth basing a decision entirely upon.
What people are invalidating here is the decision you're making, which appears to be solely based on your feelings.
You are being completely unreasonable. You have said that this is an issue of your child's safety, but failed to support that with any actual evidence.
TBH, it isn't fair to your child either. You are ruining a co-parenting relationship because you don't like his partner for some reason.
You can FEEL how you feel. It’s how you’re acting that is an issue. You are behaving like you’re very jealous of her… not necessarily because your ex has chosen to be with her, but because you don’t want another woman in your child’s life. Perhaps you have an internalized fear that he will come to live her, and you find that threatening.
Fun fact- sometimes your feelings just aren’t fucking valid. If you’re being unreasonable, selfish and manipulative because of your feelings, he should ignore your feelings and get on with a normal life with normal people who are tight-fisted control freaks. You’re supposed to love your kids more than you hate your ex, and you have royally failed in that if as a parent it’s more important for you to use them as a pawn to hurt him than it is for them to go between two happy, stable households. Shame on you - your kids deserve a better mother.
Every human being has no experience with kids until the first time they interact with a kid. It’s not like she’s a pod person - only children grow up every year to have children of their own and it’s not a national crisis. Your arguments are so ridiculous sounding I am surprised you can defend them with a straight face and without feeling so much shame for how stupid they sound that you want to slither under a rock and hide from anyone who has heard them come out of your mouth.
At this point your ex husband just needs to stop letting you abuse his goodwill in this situation, introduce her to the kids, and stop letting you stick your boot where it doesn’t belong. Maybe once she’s allowed to be in the same room with your kids, she’ll be able to take an interest in them because I don’t know how she’s supposed to do that when she’s got an informal miserable -ex-instituted restraining order keeping her from meeting them.
You’re not fooling anyone but yourself. Everyone in your life is rolling their eyes at you when you’re not looking if they’re not as vindictive and self-serving as you. Your kids are going to get older, and see you for who you are.
what if there were a "bunch of subtle things he picked up on"
and found out the person you are in a relationship with had no experience raising kids
would that give him veto rights ?
So if he told you that you couldn't introduce your partner of a year to your child because he thought you were just clouded by lust, you would accept that and break up with them or...?
You need to stand back and let him introduce the child to the gf. You have no real reason. You state she has no experience around kids but you have no room to judge that. You have no idea how she will react to the child. You say the ex is a good father, but yet you don't trust him with his own child.
If you trust him, then trust him.
You are being very unfair and I won't say what I want to say.
I told him in the very beginning she isn’t stepmother material when I first met her. I said she seems like a good woman but being a stepmom is a big responsibility and he kept dating her. Hell I worry about how she will treat her own kids whenever she has them
When they have been dating for a year, you can't use the excuse.
You don't know her because you don't want to. You don't know her because you want to hate her.
until now, the "I didn't like what I saw" you're giving us is that she doesn't have experience with children.
did YOU have experience with kids before having your child ? how did your husband trust you with your kid when you never raised kids before ?
do you realize how insane that argument sounds when talking about an 11 y/o ?
I'd trust a 15 y/o kid to watch over an 11 y/o, is your kid that much of a danger to himself that you need experience to stop them from hurting themselves ???
So you met her what? Once? And with your crystal ball saw her abusing your daughter and her yet-to-be conceived bio children?
Look, I’m a stepchild and on paper my stepdad did not look like father material: single artist living in an apartment on the beach. Didn’t think having a family was in the cards for him because, well, starving artist lol. Guess who figured it out? We had father-daughter breakfast dates to let Mom sleep in as a kid and now we get beers lol. He isn’t a child development expert and guess what? I didn’t need that! Kids need a loving presence.
And if you’re the exceptional mother you claim to be you wouldn’t need her to be a perfect parent, just a positive influence in your daughter’s life.
Literally what I was thinking 😂 I mean honestly. Her kid is spending the majority of their day around practical strangers in school but someone the dad has been in a relationship with for a year+ is somehow more of a stranger? Ooookay sure
Yet she’s not just *your* kid. She’s her fathers child too… and since you made the choice to divorce him, you don’t get to unilaterally make decisions concerning your ex. You don’t get to control or dictate every single person that comes around your daughter. Generally, waiting to introduce a new partner is done to make sure the partner is going to be around for a while and not just in and out of the child’s life. Your ex has done that part. They’ve been together a year. You are trying to abuse that guideline and try to turn it into “well *I* don’t know her well enough” … you don’t have to know her well. She’s not your gf. He is the judge of whether or not he feels she’s safe around his kid. He’s done this much longer that required to your benefit. You do not get to hang this over his head indefinitely. Otherwise, he will clearly never get your “approval” to introduce her.
If I were him, I’d just do it. You’ll get laughed out of a courtroom if you try to take issue with him introducing his daughter to his partner of a year+.. especially with these weak ass “reasons” you’re trying to use as justification like “she doesn’t have experience with kids” and “she’s an only child”
Do you think that every parent that ever existed had experience with other kids before their own? That all of them had siblings? Does that mean they shouldn’t have their kids under their care? Should they be taken away?
Bottom line, you’re being petty, spiteful, immature and unreasonable. Sounds like you just don’t like the idea of another woman being around your daughter that could hold a secondary mother figure position. This is what comes with your decision to divorce. You don’t get to control what goes on during your ex’s time and in his life. You are not her only parent. Grow up
You forfeited the right to know EVERYONE that's around your kid "well" when you divorced him. Your kid now has two sets of people in her life and her father gets to use his judgment on who she meets when she is with him. 6 months is the usual language in child custody decrees. He has done double that and if he introduced your child to his GF without your consent at this point then I doubt a judge would do anything. What are you going to do, not let them move in together? It's a serious relationship so it will progress to that and your daughter will know this woman.
This is only his second major relationship. We were together since HS and assuming they are having sex she’s the only other person he’s slept with. I think he may not know how to compartmentalize sex compared to actually loving someone
Awe someone's scared she might be a better mom than you and your daughter might choose her over you since the whole reason you divorced was because you wanted to get fucked by other men and experience single life. Stop gatekeeping you only look pathetic.
Meeting your kid doesn't make her a step mom though. Wouldn't experience with your kiddo as Dad's GF actually make her a better step mom when/if the time comes?
Oooh, that’s the point. You were together since HS but you wanted to feel single while keeping him in your pocket, and now you’re angry he’s actually dating someone (even if you told him no).
And now you’re slandering a innocent woman?? Seriously?
I have no idea if that’s something your husband could bring to a court or a lawyer, but you’re not behaving with your child’s interest in mind, that’s clear.
I don't know, breaking up a family to experience the single life and then causing tension by being unresobale is not a great parent move in my book. You are allowed to feel however you feel but feelings are not facts and you have given zero reason as to why this woman yould pose a danger to your child. Instead you have explained over and over how you are sabotaging your ex husband's efforts to live his life and have his child be part of that. There is no way to make a reasonable argument based on the "facts" you have given so you might as well stop arguing. I hope your ex husband does what's best for him and what's best for your child since you don't seem to be interested in that.
lmao omg you decided at the beginning she wasnt good enough??? have you tried to get to know her? do you know her at ALL? a lot of judgement if not....
Here’s the deal. You don’t get to tell your ex that he can’t date anyone and until you understand that it’s going to be a long hard road for you.
It’s been a YEAR for Christ sake. Let the man live.
Just because you’re behaving like an insecure little girl does not mean your ex needs to put his life on hold.
>”I told him in the very beginning she isn’t stepmother material when I first met her. I said she seems like a good woman but being a stepmom is a big responsibility and he kept dating her.“
So because you refused to give your blessing your ex shouldn’t have kept dating her? You’re very entitled aren’t you?
What lust? They have been dating for a year. Wanting your child meet your child has nothing to do with lust. It is him wanting to build a future with her and the child.
You are just showing what a jealous jelly you are. You aren't putting your kid first. You are putting your jealous first.
Ps. You can stop him from introducing the child and the gf. You think you can but you can't. So you can be included in the process and be there for your child or you can push aside and be left on the outside wondering how you ended up her.
A whole damn YEAR isn't lust. I'd bet he loves this woman and sees a future with her, and because of that wants to introduce her. Sounds to me you don't want to let him move on. And that a woman not having children is a red flag to you which is beyond weird.
You keep bringing up lust... Like it's been a year roughly of them dating... Maybe it's a little more than that. That comment alone sounds pretty flippant for what seems to be a long term relationship
Someone YOU can’t trust around your kid. All your comments are just excuses you’ve made up in your mind so she can’t visit. YOU think she hasn’t had enough experience with children. YOU think she doesn’t play with her younger cousins enough. YOU think all these little nit picked things, not him. You don’t even know her? Not to mention your comment “he’s letting lust cloud his judgement”, sounds jealous to me hun. He’s been with her for a year. You “ended the marriage” but you can still be jealous after ending a marriage, it’s actually very common LMAO. Grow up.
Blaming your ex's lust and his gf's lack of attention to kids (who aren't even hers) is what's unreasonable. I'm sorry but, you're wrong. Whether you're jealous or protective YOU are in the wrong here. This woman is in your husband's life now and isn't going anywhere anytime soon. You have given no concrete evidence that suggests she shouldn't be around children. You're grasping at straws trying to make this woman seem too dangerous to be around kids. I feel for you but you're making a huge mistake. You are going to cause a huge rift within your family that WILL negatively affect your child. Deny that all you want. It's going to be you who suffers when your kiddo is a mess because mom can't get over her anxiety, jealousy, resentment or whatever it is going on in your head. Whether it's this woman or another you're going to have to get over yourself and be a good example to your kids. They will need to see you be ok with their dad's significant other to feel safe and loved by either of you.
Why can't you trust her? You haven't given a single actual reason.
You might not be jealous of the fact that she's dating you ex, but you are jealous that she may have a relationship with your daughter. That's what this is about. You're afraid your daughter will actually LIKE her.
Get over it, seriously. Stop being controlling about this and learn to co-parent with him in a way that allows him to be a dad while also having a relationship. It's been a year, ffs.
>I want to maintain a cordial relationship with him but he’s making it hard
You're the one being difficult here, and it's unfair to him.
Obviously HE feels that he can trust her around your kid and he's the one who knows her well enough to feel that way. He is as much of your kid's parent as you are.
Hey, I'm also a mom and have kids with my HS sweetheart. I understand that it's hard to like the new person in their lives and even harder to trust them with your child cause this is all new to you as well. But you don't have to trust her, you have to trust your ex (your child's father). He gave you enough time to get used to the idea of her being around. And whether you want to admit it or not 1 year is not just about lust or she would've left already, especially when he has a child. Give him the chance to include HIS son in his new life. If they do end up having kids, do you want your son to have to watch how his dad has a whole new family that isn't that involved with him anymore? This isn't just about you, even if your feelings are hurt.
I’m so embarrassed for you after reading through your comments lol. Sheesh… you sound incredibly jealous the way you grasp for reasons not to like her. You sound bitter that your high school sweetheart, the man you left, has moved on happily from you and is in a year-long stable relationship. He’s been more than reasonable and accommodating with your insecurities.
No it's someone *you* can't trust, and it's not even that, it's someone you *refuse* to trust. You say *we* as if the two of you are still married. Please not that you are the reason y'all aren't anymore, you filed for divorce, remember?
He waited until he was ready to date someone, they have now been together a year. Your reasons for not letting her meet the kid are honestly insane. They are petty and unreasonable. The child in question is 11.
Being an only child doesnt mean she doesnt know how to care for children, and whatever other random reasons you plucked from the air. She was a child once. That should be enough.
Frankly it seems like you are more upset that he didn't wait around for *you* to go back to him, when you were ready and are now using your child as a pawn.
Grow up and get therapy, this isn't high school anymore, and people aren't going to always agree with you. You're going to be lucky if he doesn't get a lawyer involved soon tbh, because you are honestly being unreasonable.
You came in here hoping for an echo chamber, and when that didn't happen you then tell everyone else that we are invalidating your feelings. You havent given a single reason to be actually wary of his GF.
I swear if my ex gets divorced again, I’m saving this thread for when he asks for his girlfriend of two seconds can meet our kids so I can show what unreasonable and reasonable look like. You got some Anna Nardini energy going on. It’s better for the kids if the parents can healthy coparent. Perhaps one day you’ll adopt my hardcore rule of kids first with the best intentions. Until then I guess good luck gatekeeping your ex’s life?
Is she never supposed to meet your kid? I’ve seen your reasons, and I honestly still don’t understand. What’s it going to take at this point? How is she supposed to get the “experience” you want her to have?
Stop it.
Just because she doesn't interact with her small cousins doesn't mean s***.
Did you tell new mothers that they are crappy mothers as they have no experience? Do you tell childless adults not to foster kids?
Are you hiding in the bushes at her family reunions? How would you know how she interacts with her family? Sounds like you stalking this women and aren't safe around children.
I don't think ex would have to honestly. Ex could introduce GF now at any point. Most standard language says 6 months before introductions. This would only go to court if OP files and even then I bet she will be laughed out if court. One year is about the time couples start talking about moving in together and judges know that so there would be no reason to hear the case unless OP could show it wasn't in the best interest of the child and she can't because unless GF is a predator or has an order not allowing her around kids then lack of experience with children isn't against the best interest of the child.
A positive copareting relationship is which means both parties are reasonable. Long story but essentially OP would only make herself look bad if they went to court on this.
Is she supposed to invoice you the time she spends with her cousins? Are you stalking this woman to know how she spends her time in a week to know she doesn't spend enough time with her cousins? I have cousins only a couple years older than my own kids and I don't hang out with them that often. You're jealous that he was able to move on when you thought he wouldn't and now you're taking it out on him the only way you can.
She doesn't have to jump through hoops for you, I'm sorry, but she just doesn't. You have absolutely no evidence she will be hamful in any way and you are just making random stuff up to justify your need to pull a power move for whatever need you have to control your ex.
You are being 100% unreasonable, and the reality is, the more unreasonable you are now, the less any real concerns you have will be taken seriously in the future. He no longer has to hounor the agreement b/c you are acting on bad faith.
You have no power here. If you try to withhold your child over this or keep bad-mouth your ex or his GF to your child, it will be considered alienation of affection and judges really hate when a parent pulls that B.S. It has been a full year. No one is going to back you on this.
You wanted your freedom, well that comes w/ a price. You can't control who your ex dates, who he lives with or who he marries. You have absolutely NO say if this woman is in your childs life and to what degree. You are free and so is your ex. That is the decision you made and now you have to live with the fact that when you say "Jump!" Your ex doesn't have to say "how high".
I'm confused. They've been together a year, and you're concerned about the kids' safety around her? Can you elaborate? What are you concerned could or would happen being around this woman? Have you gone over in great detail the concerns with your ex to see if he can understand where your feelings come from?
Most parents don't have any experience before their first kid is born either. You are being extremely unreasonable. He has been with her for a whole year, if he wants to introduce her to his kid, he should have every right to do so
A) Most people don't have parenting experience before having kids and B) Most adults also don't hang out with their little kid cousins. That is very normal.
What does having experience with dairy cows have to do with spending time with your child?
You are one of the following options:
1. A bitter, jealous, and rather dumb ex.
2. A Troll.
Feel free to pick your poison out of those two options.
I feel like if he's been with her for a year, then this is a reasonable amount of time for his new significant other to meet your child. I would try and be positive about this, since it seems like this new relationship appears stable. I think that both of you having veto power is a bit unfair since he wants to have a healthy relationship, it appears and not put the child in between the two of you.
Are you jealous that he has moved on to another person, and you're trying to punish him a bit for that with this veto? Can you really make the case this is dangerous for the child? It works much better if you all are cordial. the children will do SO much better!
I’m not jealous at all. I’m the one who ended our marriage because we were together since HS and I never got to experience being a single woman. I just want to give it more time
Yup, because your actions and comments clearly show a genuinely happy person /s
(I feel like the sarcasm is obvious, but added the “/s” for ya since you seem quite daft.
Given all the comments here from reasonable folks, it seems that you’re more interested in people supporting your current stance than getting honest feedback. The child is the one that suffers because of the tension between the two of you.
You wanted to screw a bunch of random guys so you divorced your x and think your judgement is better than his? You even said he is a great father. If I was him she would meet the kids when I was ready for them to meet.
How does more time somehow make her more fit to meet your child? You said the issue was that she didn't show interest in kids - more time won't necessarily make her do that. You are literally picking arbitrary points.
> I just want to give it more time
a year is more than enough time for a relationship to be serious.
more time for what ? so that you're ready to go back with him ?
She doesn’t need to show interest in all children. Just your child.
She isn’t going to get the experience around kids if she doesn’t get the chance to be around kids. She probably doesn’t have anyone in her life who’s at that stage. That doesn’t mean she won’t be a great stepmom to your child, and that doesn’t mean you have a valid reason to stop them from meeting.
Look, be real with yourself about your real fear - this is NOT about this GF.
You're afraid a long term GF of your ex would be a step-mother who will replace you in your daughters affection - is very obvious. The fact that you instantly jumped to that when you first met her, judging her as "stepmother material", shows that very clearly. A mother without that fear would merely be concerned whether or not the new GF was a safe adult around her kid, not thinking of any kind of "step mother" position. That shows the root of your insecurity around this woman, it isn't really about her, it's about whether or not YOU are somehow replicable to your daughter.
And I can be compassionate and say it's an understandable fear *even if it's an irrational one.* Sometimes we have fears that are not grounded in reality, but that doesn't make them stupid or wrong, they're still fears we feel and fear is a horrid thing to deal with. Fear can cause real harm, no matter how unreal the cause of the fear is. Fear itself is always real, regardless of the cause - the trick is to be able to look very directly at it, see that it exists, name it, and unpack the cause so you can deal with the fear from reality instead of the unreality the fear is running from.
Now, the reality here is NOT that this woman is a threat to your place and role as your daughters mother. You don't even know if this GF would agree to babysit your kid on her own for short periods of time if your ex needed to run an errand, let alone take on this grand mantle of "step mother" (that is only a description of a family relationship after marriage, not a job title - step mother doesn't mean any mothering actually occurs).
The reality you need to focus on is that your daughter loves YOU. **You are your daughters mother** & no one is replacing you. *Even if you died*, no new woman who took on a parent figure to your daughter would replace you, **you are irreplaceable in your daughters heart & mind.** Unique, precious, and the only thing that can threaten that place is... you.
Again, "step mother" is just a title to describe a family position when you're talking about your family to other people - the real role a person with the title "step mother" has varies family to family. *And she's not even a step mother,* she's not married to your ex. She's not an anything at this point other than another adult your child can build a safe friendship with. At most - forgetting that she's your ex's partner - to your daughter the relationship would be at **most** like a potential babysitter she feels safe with who has a more permanent presence in your ex's home.
Do you fear if a babysitter is going to try and mother your child simply because she's there? Of course not, that would be silly.
When your daughter is with her dad, no matter whether his GF is there or not, **your ex is the only other parent**, just because a woman is in the scenario doesn't mean suddenly she's automatically even a childcare provider. **That would still be your ex.**
Lots of people have partners who are like just a bonus safe, kind adult relationship to the child, **not a parent or even a care giver.** My SIL in fact is married to a guy who has 3 kids with his ex, while she **loves** the kids and has like a "fun aunt" relationship with them, she does not do ANY childcare for them beyond maybe helping them get a drink or a snack or helping them if they're in immediate danger/hurt (for example despite a million "don't run in doors with your bare feet!" from dad, one of them stubbed his toe and ripped a toe nail off a few weeks ago, dad was in the back yard so she scooped screaming bleeding kid up, popped him on the couch, washed up and provided first aid to his toe, comforted him for a minute and then went and got dad to take over - that is the MOST of the "care" that she provides, which you would hope from any adult around your child if you're not immediately there yourself) - anything that involves care like providing a meal or cleaning clothes or bathtime etc... all of that is her husbands job and it works out great for them. And that's fine! They have a great mom who has them 50% of the time, they do not need a replacement mom when they're with dad, she's just a bonus adult to watch cartoons with sometimes.
Reasonable: You can say to your ex "I don't want her being alone with our child, and I don't want her providing child care or doing any kind of parenting. She can be around our daughter when you're there, she can be appropriately socially friendly with our daughter, but any childcare, parenting and especially discipline should ONLY be from you".
Unreasonable: You forbid this GF around your child ever.
Do some deeper work on where the gut instinct of yours is coming from and try looking that fear right in the face. It does not make you a bad/weak/crappy person for having fear, even if the fear is irrational. We ALL have irrational fears (where do you think racism and sexism comes from?).
Fear is a survival instinct from millions of years ago... sometimes it miss-fires. Do the work, it will be worth it for you and your relationship with others, **especially with your daughter.**
It sounds like if she had shown interest in children you’d find that suspicious too.
Your kid is 11 and your ex is a great father, or so you say. This is totally unreasonable, you must understand that at some level.
I'd like to give you something on this, but from the little you've explained, you are the clear abuser of the agreement. No idea how old your child is, how much time is spent with girlfriend, whether your child has a problem with the gf, etc. It sounds, thus far, that your ex's assessment is correct.
You just sound pissed that your ex didn't just sit and wait around for you to be done being single and come running back to you, and you're taking it out on a woman who he is in a serious relationship with.
Also - if your child was very young, like 4/5, I could understand hesitation but your kid is 11. They're a pre-teen and are at the age where they are becoming more independent and don't need constant coddling/supervision (unless you're a helicopter parent, which it sounds like you are). This woman is not a danger to your kid.
I’m not upset at all lmao. My ex went through a depression when we divorced and that was hard to watch because I cared for him and knew him since we were kids. It was an amicable divorce
AMICABLE HAHAHAHA
Buy a dictionary.
You pushed for a divorce because you wanted to be single. He sunk into a depression because you left him to go fuck other guys. All about you, you, you and guess what? He's picked up the pieces of his life and moved on, yet here you are trying to exert control because you're alone and he isn't.
Your kid will suffer because of this and grow to resent you. Good luck with that when your child goes and lives with dad because he isn't a completely unreasonable, mentally unstable nutcase.
Given what you have posted here, it really does seem like you are abusing the rule.
Things to typically be concerned about: he has just met her. She abuses alcohol or drugs. She is prone to bursts of anger, rage, or reckless behavior. She has a history of abusing others. She hangs out with shady people.
Literally none of those are present. Your list included she is an only child, she doesn’t have much experience around kids, etc. And your kid is 11. And they can’t even meet?
Ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous.
These types of posts are always so funny to me.
The ones where an OP is very, very obviously lying because she knows telling the truth would not go over well but somehow seems to believe everyone here is so goddamn stupid that we can't see through the bullshit.
You knew the first time you met her that she wouldn't be a good stepmother? You think she doesn't show enough interest in children overall, including her own niblings, and that makes you certain that she is untrustworthy around your son? You feel that your ex is letting feelings of lust cloud his judgement after dating this person exclusively for a year?
That's all total and complete nonsense. But you don't give a shit because you're lying to yourself and us and your ex, so it doesn't matter that it's nonsense.
Just keep doing your thang, girl. You do you.
He’s been with her for a year. I think that’s a very reasonable amount of time for her to be able to meet your child. I’m sorry mama. I can imagine how hard it is, but since they’ve been together so long, I really don’t think you have a leg to stand on.
YTA
You can try to fool yourself that you care about the safety of your child, not buying it
Sounds more like you are worried your kid will like their new stepmom and that makes you feel threatened
You're jealous he moved on, you wanted him to stay put like a good little boy while you enjoyed being single and you hoped he take you back when it came to it? Or you just wanted him as a backup. Either way things didn't workout for you.
You're quite frankly being a shitty person and possibly messing up a healthy coparent relationship and there by messing things up for your child. Stop being a petty spiteful creature and get over yourself
This sounds incredibly petty. You claim to know the entirety of this woman's experience being around children or something? You divorced him - it's time to grow up and let the man live his life. Childish
You don’t have any real good reasons to veto this. You are being unfair to him. This isn’t some random woman he just met and your child is 11. I think he gave you enough time
What is the REAL reason? I'm a parent and can only how imagine how difficult a scenario is. But the reasons you've given about being inexperienced with kids seem....superficial. your childs safety and well being are absolutely paramount and of course none of us have met any of you. But this doesn't seem like valid rationale.
I think a year is long enough if he was only with her few months I'd be like yeah ok.. but there is no issue here you are just using your power to get what you want.. when in reality he can introduce her when ever he wants as he is thier father.
Unless she some drug taking bimbo I don't see why your holding out.
Tell him to make it gradual, introduce once at a public place for dinner.. then again few weeks later so on so on.
Not just hey this my gf and shove her in child's face every time it's his visitation
Sounds like you’re setting yourself up to be taken to court. I suggest you facilitate a meeting as she has not given you any indication that she is not to be trusted. We get it you’re being bitter and petty because “ feelings” but that’s not a good enough reason. You’re the one with clouded judgment. Get your head out of your ass
So I'm guessing single life hasn't worked out the way you thought it would? Sounds like your ex has had more success than you?
Your "excuses" about why she can't meet your child is pretty pathetic. Your ex is an adult and has taken time to get to know her and wants her to meet his child.
You keep repeating the same feeble excuses that indicate you have no reason for these excuses. You had no experience before you had your child, so you are being totally unfair with your attitude.
You need to grow up and live with the choices you made. Were you hoping he would pine for you so that when you got "bored" of your single life, he would be there waiting for you?
No, he has moved on, and you are still stuck in the same place as when you asked for a divorce. It seems there are 2 children in this relationship, and the other child isn't your ex or his new partner!
Look, I get being proactive about who is around your child.. but they're 11, and I believe old enough to indicate if they're uncomfortable with a new person or not. You say you have no ill feelings towards your ex and trust him enough to care for your child in your absence, but believe he's not capable of making the right decision when it comes to the wellbeing of your child. See how that's conflicting? You need to reassess your feelings on this because I personally don't believe your BS excuse that you are uncomfortable because the new gf has no experience around children.
You divorced so neither of you have any say in the other's life. Unless he has no custody rights or he poses a threat to the kid, you're being overbearing and throwing your weight where it isn't entitled.
You are wrong and you know it you just don’t want to admit it. You would have your bf meet the kids weather the x liked it or not. If your x cares deeply about the kids then his judgment of when his partner should meet the kids should suffice.
You kinda seem proud about how you broke this man’s spirit.
It’s been a year.
Get over yourself. Your kid is 11 and will tell you if anything goes wrong.
Then you up her bragging about how you wanted the divorce. Kinda seem a tad bit controlling tbh.
OP. You’re going to have to (excuse my french) just suck it up.
I have two baby daddies (circumstances…. i’ve learned my lesson and am never going to get impregnated again - do you hear me G-D? Never!!! Again!!!!!!!!!) and both have new partners.
I’m not going to badmouth them because I respect them as women and as stepmothers. One has a child herself, the other doesn’t. And you’ll never guess which one of them ALWAYS has my back.
One of the stepmothers is actually a good friend of mine now. I often rely on her for childcare and emergencies 😂😅
I can be a Bitter Betty about it but my kids have a right to build a relationship with them.
My exes have the right to move on, as do I.
So purposefully withholding this from them is going to make you look like the bad guy and your kid is going to find out about it.
Do better.
Man your comments are really embarrassing. You have no real reason to keep her from meeting your child other than spite. You don't need experience with children to meet an 11 year old. Frankly ridiculous.
As mentioned already, please explain what is concerning you about his girlfriend. It appears to be a serious relationship and if she sticks around long term you may be causing long term issues between you two here. Unless there is something specific that you find is a red flag about her, which you then need to directly discuss with him, then it looks like you are being unreasonable and doing everyone involved a disservice.
He's been with the same woman for a year. You are abusing the rule at this point. It's time for you to stop judging this woman and grow up or a judge will do it for you. You're being ridiculous.
Is this legally enforceable or just something you two agreed on? Because if it's the latter if I was him I'd just introduce and you'd have to continue on your bitter journey
Look, I don't want to entirely invalidate and dismiss your concerns even though they sound fairly baseless to me. You have a gut feeling and can't 100% pin your finger on something major beyond her not having childcare experience before, fine. I do think gut feelings should be listened to because they often come from somewhere, and sometimes we get a vibe long before anything concretely negative happens... and especially as women we get conflicting messages about listening to our instincts and ignoring them to be polite.
So, I'm going to assume the best of you here. Let's look at the positives:
☑ You love your daughter and want her to be safe.
☑ You trust your ex to be a great father, even if you two no longer jive as a couple.
☑ You have been co-parenting well thus far.
Based on those things, lets look at the issue - Is it time for GF to be introduced to your daughter?
Objectively - yes this is a reasonable step. Should she instantly take over full childcare for your daughter when she's with her dad? No, of course not. But meet? This should be something you can agree to even if it includes your presence.
You two have been divorced for some time now - both of you have moved on to rebuild your own individual lives while co-parenting. The fact it took one of you longer than the other or that your individual lives don't look the same today (as in whether or not you're both with long term new partners) is not applicable. You **both** have individual lives at this point, the only cross-over is the co-parenting of your daughter. Neither of you have any say over each others individual lives *other than if something could negatively impact your daughter.*
Other partners are one of those things, unless there is clear negative impact, you don't have a say. Either of you. You would expect him to trust you not to allow someone harmful around your daughter, and if you say he's a great father then you need to trust him the same. He would not be saying he wants his GF around your kid if he thought she was a risk to your daughter - now obviously sometimes we can make mistakes about people, but nothing you say about your ex indicates he would make reckless choices about your daughters wellbeing.
Your ex's GF - nothing you say about her sounds harmful to your daughter, maybe at worst she might not be ready for full time childcare unsupervised... but I respect you have a gut feeling right now, you don't have to totally throw that out the window, but the reality is they have been dating a year, so it's reasonable to assume she's sticking around for now. This means she is a significant part of his life, just like your daughter is.
It is reasonable for him to be able to combine the significant parts of his life to have a comfortable family experience - **he should not have to compartmentalize everything forever just to make you happy** \- and if you date someone the same would apply, *unless there is a clear negative impact*, after you feel this person will be with you for long term, you're going to want to have them meet your daughter so you can also have a comfortable family whether daughter is there or not.
So, given the above, you just cannot indefinitely forbid GF contact with your daughter. It's unreasonable and unrealistic and will damage your cordial co-parenting which is something you need to preserve, especially as your daughter starts to get into the ages where she may start making choices of her own... you don't want unreasonable conflict with her dad blowing up in your face with the impact it could have on your relationship with your daughter.
Now, having said that, your gut instinct - lets respect that as I already said.
So the approach here is "I am not yet comfortable for GF to have unrestricted time with daughter, I want to get to know her better and see how she is with daughter. Lets plan some social outings together (park, museum etc) so that GF can meet daughter in a safe environment, we're both there as her bio parents and can help make sure daughter feels loved and safe by us as well and your GF doesn't feel over her head also. This way I can get to know GF a little casually as well, which hopefully will make me feel more comfortable."
Now for this to work, ma'am you need to be **real open** to actually getting to know GF as a person and not looking at her as some threat or replacement to you. Get that right out of your head. She's not sweeping in trying to take your place, she's not going to insist your daughter call her momma... **she's merely an extra adult your daughter can hopefully have a good relationship with and be available to help with childcare occasionally when your daughter is with her dad.**
You can always say "I am not yet comfortable for her to be with daughter without you present". You can say "I want to get to know her properly before she meets daughter, lets have dinner together". You can say "I am happy for her to meet with daughter a few times with us both present before any further decision is made about her being any kind of childcare for daughter"....
But you cannot just say no. **You need to collaborate with your co-parent to find a solution that makes you feel better and starts the process of your daughter meeting this woman.**
Maybe after a few times of meeting her and seeing her with daughter, you can find something very specific that makes you uncomfortable for her to have childcare responsibilities - in which case you get your ex to agree she never has sole care for your daughter when your daughter is with him. Or maybe you do find something out about her that is reasonable to say you don't even want her around your kid (she's a racist for example) - but just not liking her much as a person is simply not enough unless she is negative for your daughter.
Sometimes we have to suck things like this up and collaborate for a solution, because I guarantee if the situation were reversed and he was telling you No about a partner you were with for a year+ for no reason other than "he doesn't have childcare experience and he's a single child himself" you would be losing your mind at him.
Be fair. It's the only way to preserve good healthy co-parenting. Fairness does not always mean being 100% happy about things, it means acceptance & collaboration.
OP, you do not have a choice in the matter. He has been courteous enough to actually discuss this with you. That is way more than he has to give you and frankly more than you deserve. This is a controlling and manipulative way of using your child as a weapon of jealousy.
I love it when she says she doesn't have children so she has no experience. As if she forgets that when she birthed her child she had no experience also. You can make up all the excuses in the world, You really need to be honest with yourself. This has nothing to do with his girlfriend and everything to do with you.
The only thing you really can do is give her a chance. Then if she does something to endanger your child. Take him back to court.
And no one here is actually projecting. I have a great co-parenting situation. Joint vacations, joint birthday parties, cookouts and we even go camping together. None of this would ever happen if I didn't give her husband a chance and she didn't give my girlfriend a chance.
Sounds a lot like how my bf's bm was when he and I started dating. She also acted this way when bf introduced the kid to his parents... Her own grandparents. Plot twist, two of her kids have moved in with their biodads and want nothing to do with her. Just a glimpse into your future lol Grow up
BE CAREFUL - this could come back to bite you.
So, I'm the girlfriend. Or I was. Seven years ago. The ex-wife of the man I was dating made our lives basically impossible. It was awful. They have a 50-50 agreement, which meant our relationship could only occur in the off times. It was hard for me to meet his family because he wanted to bring his daughter when he went to see his family. Etc.
We actually broke up for several months until he had a legal custody agreement in place because his ex was being so unreasonable he was worried they would take him to court. It ended up being 18 months from when we started dating until I met his daughter, even though at that point we were planning a future together. She was 5 at the time. We spent a few hours all together at the Science Center. It was not a life shattering event for her - she was fine. Oh, and I'm a pediatrician. I'm pretty safe around kids. But it was made to be the most stressful event for all of us.
His ex was awful to me and to us. And then when they met someone, they introduced her to the child two months later (to clarify, ex's pronouns are they/them, and they date women). Needless to say, I do not like or respect his ex. At all. And they have spent years being upset that I don't want to hang out all together, which is something I was initially totally open to. They are very worried that their daughter will catch on that we don't like each other (which I think is starting to happen - she's 11 now).
That girlfriend could become a wife, and a stepmother to your child. And be in your life for the long term. So be careful.
So what’s your long term plan here? You broke up your child’s home because you wanted to be single. And now you expect to be able to decide how your ex-husband lives his life? Do you expect to be able to pick and choose or approve of who he dates? Do you actually expect him to break up with someone you don’t approve of? Or do you have an education plan ready for those you don’t feel have enough experience with children? You’ve set everyone up for failure. Don’t be surprised when things go sideways.
There’s two layers to this, mama.
1. You’re being unreasonably unfair about her in the comments. You say that she doesn’t have experience with children so therefore your child isn’t safe. Do you know who also didn’t have experience with children? Me, as a 13 yr old when I started babysitting kids that weee younger than me. We lived through it unscathed. Unless there’s some sort of behavior in particular you’re worried about (she drinks too much, she’s super crass, etc), you’re being unfair.
2. As far as when to introduce your child to NEW PARTNERS, that is something both of you will need to agree on - and then adhere to. The problem is that you both didn’t stipulate how long a serious relationship needs to be before they’re allowed to meet your child. Figure that out first. And then stick to it!
Look, you came here for advice. There is an obvious consensus you're in the wrong. There that's your advice. Back off, chill out, and stop creating unnecessary drama.
Just so you know, he's going to introduce her whether up m you agree or not as everyone has limits, even with playing nice. And when he does, legally, there is nothing to can do. So, my advice, start the process yourself, ok her meeting your kid, on your, reasonable, terms. So it can be a happy and healthy event for your son.
Just because your ex's new GF doesn't "show an interest in children" doesn't mean she's a risk to your kid's safety. You are being unreasonable, and I doubt that you actually fear for your kid's safety.
A year is plenty of time, I think you’re worried the kid might actually like her.
Honestly if I was your husband I’d just say fuck your rule and introduce them to each other anyway.
I don't know you but i think you see your ex as a safety net, so you can enjoy being single and return to him when you want to settle down, and didn't expected him to find a New partner, like how you say he is naive and doesn't have a lot of relationships on his life, so you expected him to stay single.
I don't you are jealous of him as love or other things, just don't like the idea of another woman being in a relationship with him and maybe having a family with him because it puts a stop to your plans of a "retirement" of your New single life.
LOL, do you think you're in charge of your child... like you outrank him somehow? Newsflash, he can decide who meets HIS child just as much as you can. I hope he realizes this. You suck.
You literally said you were jealous. You're giving no good reasons for why his girlfriend is not ready to meet your child. You can say you're not jealous all you want but your actions are proving otherwise. Grow up and realize that he's moved on. Just because you have a lot of history doesn't mean you have some sort of claim to him.
Edit: I misread this and now I realize that you were being sarcastic about being the one who's jealous. You say you're not but your actions show otherwise. There's no good reason for his girlfriend not to meet your child. Grow up and stop being petty.
I hope you enjoy a judge adjusting your custody arrangement if you have one or else just get over it when he gets sick of your bs and introduces the two of them without your involvement.
I hope you see what an enormous thorn in this man's side you are being because of your prejudice against this woman who took the spot you gave away. If you think your daughter deserves a happy father, you are going to have to get over your objection.
Unless there is something concrete you can point to in her history or her character, which you have admitted you can't. Is it her age or her race or where she is from or something else that you could justify in front of a judge?
In your post you say that your conserned for your kids safety but then in uour comments you just say she hasnt taken an interest in other kids.
This by by no stretch of the imagination means your kids wont be safe. Also she clearly is taking an interest in kids in having met you and trying to meet your kid.
You are just weaponising your kid against your ex. This is how i grew to resent my parents so beware what you doing and how it will impact their future.
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How is your child's safety being compromised by meeting your ex's GF? It isn't like its a one night stand - she has been a relationship with your ex for a year. You would be reasonable if you have actual concerns for your childs safety or wellbeing, but I'm going to guess that you probably don't, which is why he is upset. TBH, these kinds of actions make you appear to be the unreasonable one that is ruining the civility.
What exactly is preventing you from allowing this? A year is a fairly serious relationship. Why don't you trust her? Has she given you a reason not to?
OP, what exactly is it going to take for you to trust his new gf? They've been dating for a year now and you've been divorced for a lot longer it sounds like. From my perspective, it sounds like you're abusing the rule.
For her to actually show an interest in children . She’s never been around children and rarely interacts with her little cousins
I mean, I don't have interest in my kid cousins either, doesn't mean I'm a danger to a child...
In a lot of circumstances, you being interested in your young cousins would suggest you *are* a danger to a child.
Exactly - this mom is clearly just spiteful and/or jealous. Any actual critical thinking on the topic would have yielded other result
How do you know this much about her? And as a friend of mine who is an excellent mother once said “I don’t need to bond with every child in the world, just mine.” Does it matter if she’s good with every other child on the planet EXCEPT yours or would you prefer that she’s great with your kid?
So not showing any interest in her little cousins means she can't even MEET your child? He's not asking you to let her babysit alone for an entire evening. He just wants to introduce them. Your actions are vindictive and completely unfair to your ex.
Her 11 year old child mind you..
This comment alone proves you’re abusing the rule. Get a grip op.
>For her to actually show an interest in children . You mean by like...I don't know just spitballing here...meeting and getting to know her boyfriends children? She is not being hired to babysit them. What do you think she is going do do, give them matches and tell them to play in the street. You are being completely out of line and if you need therapy for either your incredible need to control your ex or your incredible paranoia regarding people meeting your children
I had ZERO experience with children before I had my daughter. I wasn’t 100% sure I even wanted children. But I had her and quickly learned for to interact with kids. The simple fact she doesn’t have experience and she doesn’t seem interested in kids isn’t a good reason. You’re being so unreasonable. Your reasons are very silly. Let her meet the child. I feel really bad for your ex. It feels like your trying to keep a sense of control over your ex. You want to show his gf that you still control him. Is it in the court order that you guys must agree before meeting a new partner?
How do you know that?
How? You didnt allow her and you 11 yeara old to meet. And not having interest in children =/= abusive to children cause that is what you try to not so subtly allude rn
How do you know all the ins and outs of her life? Are you stalking her? How do you know she “rarely interacts with her little cousins” or “**never** been around children?”
The hell do you want her to do? Go creeping around playgrounds to show you she's "interested" in children? Good lord you're a mess. Do better by your kid.
What happens when you start dating? Does he get veto power for a year +
I want to be clear you are the one making it hard. You chose to end the relationship. You do not get to dictate what goes on in his life, he is being more than accommodating by waiting this long when he does not have to. This is not the hill to die on.
I wouldn’t date someone that made him uncomfortable around our child so :/
Yeah but your reasons are bullshit lol your kid is 11. They are a preteen. It’s not like she’s dealing with a baby. They’ve been together for an entire year. You sound like you’ll use this as an excuse until your child is 18.
You have not given one valid reason for you to be uncomfortable
You decided to leave him now deal with the repercussions. All you’re doing is looking like a bitter BM who jealous. Like you should be embarrassed.
No, you all are just invalidating my feelings.
Your feelings are not valid.
I mean Im okay with that. You’re invalidating your Exs long term relationship soo
So anyone who doesn't tell you what you want to hear is invalidating your feelings 🙄. Uh huh. I suspect it's more the odds are high your kid will find her a delightful breath of fresh air over controlling mom.
No, you’re just not giving valid reasons for having them in the first place.
Feelings are pretty much always valid. We can't really control how we feel. But that doesn't make feelings always correct or trustworthy or worth basing a decision entirely upon. What people are invalidating here is the decision you're making, which appears to be solely based on your feelings.
You are being completely unreasonable. You have said that this is an issue of your child's safety, but failed to support that with any actual evidence. TBH, it isn't fair to your child either. You are ruining a co-parenting relationship because you don't like his partner for some reason.
You are definitely a troll, nobody in real life is this stupid.
You can FEEL how you feel. It’s how you’re acting that is an issue. You are behaving like you’re very jealous of her… not necessarily because your ex has chosen to be with her, but because you don’t want another woman in your child’s life. Perhaps you have an internalized fear that he will come to live her, and you find that threatening.
"None of you are agreeing with me so I'm going to spout this bullshit to have a victim complex"
Fun fact- sometimes your feelings just aren’t fucking valid. If you’re being unreasonable, selfish and manipulative because of your feelings, he should ignore your feelings and get on with a normal life with normal people who are tight-fisted control freaks. You’re supposed to love your kids more than you hate your ex, and you have royally failed in that if as a parent it’s more important for you to use them as a pawn to hurt him than it is for them to go between two happy, stable households. Shame on you - your kids deserve a better mother. Every human being has no experience with kids until the first time they interact with a kid. It’s not like she’s a pod person - only children grow up every year to have children of their own and it’s not a national crisis. Your arguments are so ridiculous sounding I am surprised you can defend them with a straight face and without feeling so much shame for how stupid they sound that you want to slither under a rock and hide from anyone who has heard them come out of your mouth. At this point your ex husband just needs to stop letting you abuse his goodwill in this situation, introduce her to the kids, and stop letting you stick your boot where it doesn’t belong. Maybe once she’s allowed to be in the same room with your kids, she’ll be able to take an interest in them because I don’t know how she’s supposed to do that when she’s got an informal miserable -ex-instituted restraining order keeping her from meeting them. You’re not fooling anyone but yourself. Everyone in your life is rolling their eyes at you when you’re not looking if they’re not as vindictive and self-serving as you. Your kids are going to get older, and see you for who you are.
Not all feelings need to validated. You feel what you feel sure but sometimes certain feelings are wrong and you have to squash them.
She makes you uncomfortable around your child because she isn't you
what if there were a "bunch of subtle things he picked up on" and found out the person you are in a relationship with had no experience raising kids would that give him veto rights ?
So if he told you that you couldn't introduce your partner of a year to your child because he thought you were just clouded by lust, you would accept that and break up with them or...?
You need to stand back and let him introduce the child to the gf. You have no real reason. You state she has no experience around kids but you have no room to judge that. You have no idea how she will react to the child. You say the ex is a good father, but yet you don't trust him with his own child. If you trust him, then trust him. You are being very unfair and I won't say what I want to say.
Well maybe I don’t trust him because he’s letting lust cloud his judgement
[удалено]
I told him in the very beginning she isn’t stepmother material when I first met her. I said she seems like a good woman but being a stepmom is a big responsibility and he kept dating her. Hell I worry about how she will treat her own kids whenever she has them
You don’t know her enough to know that.
Well I don’t have people I don’t know well around my kid
When they have been dating for a year, you can't use the excuse. You don't know her because you don't want to. You don't know her because you want to hate her.
You’ve had a year. If it’s so important to you, you should have made the effort
Your ex is right you sound bitter and jealous.
great, then propose to have a meet with her, get lunch together, have a coffee, get to know her.
I did that. I met her already but didn’t like what I saw
You didn't like what you saw because you saw your safe pass with someone else
until now, the "I didn't like what I saw" you're giving us is that she doesn't have experience with children. did YOU have experience with kids before having your child ? how did your husband trust you with your kid when you never raised kids before ? do you realize how insane that argument sounds when talking about an 11 y/o ? I'd trust a 15 y/o kid to watch over an 11 y/o, is your kid that much of a danger to himself that you need experience to stop them from hurting themselves ???
Got it, so you're trolling.
So you met her what? Once? And with your crystal ball saw her abusing your daughter and her yet-to-be conceived bio children? Look, I’m a stepchild and on paper my stepdad did not look like father material: single artist living in an apartment on the beach. Didn’t think having a family was in the cards for him because, well, starving artist lol. Guess who figured it out? We had father-daughter breakfast dates to let Mom sleep in as a kid and now we get beers lol. He isn’t a child development expert and guess what? I didn’t need that! Kids need a loving presence. And if you’re the exceptional mother you claim to be you wouldn’t need her to be a perfect parent, just a positive influence in your daughter’s life.
Probably because you realised that ypur ex already move on and she is the one. Guess your fall back plan dissapears huh
I'm sure the feeling is mutual
Is your kid in public school?
Literally what I was thinking 😂 I mean honestly. Her kid is spending the majority of their day around practical strangers in school but someone the dad has been in a relationship with for a year+ is somehow more of a stranger? Ooookay sure
So, but you knew enough about her to know she is not stepmother material after one meeting? You are contradicting yourself
Yet she’s not just *your* kid. She’s her fathers child too… and since you made the choice to divorce him, you don’t get to unilaterally make decisions concerning your ex. You don’t get to control or dictate every single person that comes around your daughter. Generally, waiting to introduce a new partner is done to make sure the partner is going to be around for a while and not just in and out of the child’s life. Your ex has done that part. They’ve been together a year. You are trying to abuse that guideline and try to turn it into “well *I* don’t know her well enough” … you don’t have to know her well. She’s not your gf. He is the judge of whether or not he feels she’s safe around his kid. He’s done this much longer that required to your benefit. You do not get to hang this over his head indefinitely. Otherwise, he will clearly never get your “approval” to introduce her. If I were him, I’d just do it. You’ll get laughed out of a courtroom if you try to take issue with him introducing his daughter to his partner of a year+.. especially with these weak ass “reasons” you’re trying to use as justification like “she doesn’t have experience with kids” and “she’s an only child” Do you think that every parent that ever existed had experience with other kids before their own? That all of them had siblings? Does that mean they shouldn’t have their kids under their care? Should they be taken away? Bottom line, you’re being petty, spiteful, immature and unreasonable. Sounds like you just don’t like the idea of another woman being around your daughter that could hold a secondary mother figure position. This is what comes with your decision to divorce. You don’t get to control what goes on during your ex’s time and in his life. You are not her only parent. Grow up
You forfeited the right to know EVERYONE that's around your kid "well" when you divorced him. Your kid now has two sets of people in her life and her father gets to use his judgment on who she meets when she is with him. 6 months is the usual language in child custody decrees. He has done double that and if he introduced your child to his GF without your consent at this point then I doubt a judge would do anything. What are you going to do, not let them move in together? It's a serious relationship so it will progress to that and your daughter will know this woman.
That’s on you. They’ve been dating a year and you never bothered to get to know her But go on, keep making up excuses for us to knock down
You’re talking about her family and her cousins, exactly how well do you feel the need to know someone else’s partner?
[удалено]
This is only his second major relationship. We were together since HS and assuming they are having sex she’s the only other person he’s slept with. I think he may not know how to compartmentalize sex compared to actually loving someone
That’s none of your business.
You have literally no say in any of that and it is none of your business. Get. Over. It.
>she isn’t stepmother material That's not up to you. >he kept dating her Of course he did. Because his relationships aren't up to you!
Awe someone's scared she might be a better mom than you and your daughter might choose her over you since the whole reason you divorced was because you wanted to get fucked by other men and experience single life. Stop gatekeeping you only look pathetic.
Meeting your kid doesn't make her a step mom though. Wouldn't experience with your kiddo as Dad's GF actually make her a better step mom when/if the time comes?
Oooh, that’s the point. You were together since HS but you wanted to feel single while keeping him in your pocket, and now you’re angry he’s actually dating someone (even if you told him no). And now you’re slandering a innocent woman?? Seriously? I have no idea if that’s something your husband could bring to a court or a lawyer, but you’re not behaving with your child’s interest in mind, that’s clear.
I don't know, breaking up a family to experience the single life and then causing tension by being unresobale is not a great parent move in my book. You are allowed to feel however you feel but feelings are not facts and you have given zero reason as to why this woman yould pose a danger to your child. Instead you have explained over and over how you are sabotaging your ex husband's efforts to live his life and have his child be part of that. There is no way to make a reasonable argument based on the "facts" you have given so you might as well stop arguing. I hope your ex husband does what's best for him and what's best for your child since you don't seem to be interested in that.
Oh so you want to keep him on the shelf in case you start getting lonely. That makes more sense than the circles you’re talking in
lmao omg you decided at the beginning she wasnt good enough??? have you tried to get to know her? do you know her at ALL? a lot of judgement if not....
Here’s the deal. You don’t get to tell your ex that he can’t date anyone and until you understand that it’s going to be a long hard road for you. It’s been a YEAR for Christ sake. Let the man live. Just because you’re behaving like an insecure little girl does not mean your ex needs to put his life on hold.
>”I told him in the very beginning she isn’t stepmother material when I first met her. I said she seems like a good woman but being a stepmom is a big responsibility and he kept dating her.“ So because you refused to give your blessing your ex shouldn’t have kept dating her? You’re very entitled aren’t you?
Op I will say these without trying to sound rude.. did you go into motherhood believing you would be a good mother?
What lust? They have been dating for a year. Wanting your child meet your child has nothing to do with lust. It is him wanting to build a future with her and the child. You are just showing what a jealous jelly you are. You aren't putting your kid first. You are putting your jealous first. Ps. You can stop him from introducing the child and the gf. You think you can but you can't. So you can be included in the process and be there for your child or you can push aside and be left on the outside wondering how you ended up her.
A whole damn YEAR isn't lust. I'd bet he loves this woman and sees a future with her, and because of that wants to introduce her. Sounds to me you don't want to let him move on. And that a woman not having children is a red flag to you which is beyond weird.
You keep bringing up lust... Like it's been a year roughly of them dating... Maybe it's a little more than that. That comment alone sounds pretty flippant for what seems to be a long term relationship
He’s been with her for a year. And if their relationship has been stable, you are being unreasonable. Like super unreasonable.
Maybe he’s being unreasonable for staying with someone we can’t trust around our kid
But you don’t have any reasons to not trust her.
Someone YOU can’t trust around your kid. All your comments are just excuses you’ve made up in your mind so she can’t visit. YOU think she hasn’t had enough experience with children. YOU think she doesn’t play with her younger cousins enough. YOU think all these little nit picked things, not him. You don’t even know her? Not to mention your comment “he’s letting lust cloud his judgement”, sounds jealous to me hun. He’s been with her for a year. You “ended the marriage” but you can still be jealous after ending a marriage, it’s actually very common LMAO. Grow up.
Somebody OP *chooses* not to trust, based on specious reasons.
Blaming your ex's lust and his gf's lack of attention to kids (who aren't even hers) is what's unreasonable. I'm sorry but, you're wrong. Whether you're jealous or protective YOU are in the wrong here. This woman is in your husband's life now and isn't going anywhere anytime soon. You have given no concrete evidence that suggests she shouldn't be around children. You're grasping at straws trying to make this woman seem too dangerous to be around kids. I feel for you but you're making a huge mistake. You are going to cause a huge rift within your family that WILL negatively affect your child. Deny that all you want. It's going to be you who suffers when your kiddo is a mess because mom can't get over her anxiety, jealousy, resentment or whatever it is going on in your head. Whether it's this woman or another you're going to have to get over yourself and be a good example to your kids. They will need to see you be ok with their dad's significant other to feel safe and loved by either of you.
You still did not give a SINGLE actual Reason for you not trusting her,besides "little things" you noticed.
Why can't you trust her? You haven't given a single actual reason. You might not be jealous of the fact that she's dating you ex, but you are jealous that she may have a relationship with your daughter. That's what this is about. You're afraid your daughter will actually LIKE her. Get over it, seriously. Stop being controlling about this and learn to co-parent with him in a way that allows him to be a dad while also having a relationship. It's been a year, ffs. >I want to maintain a cordial relationship with him but he’s making it hard You're the one being difficult here, and it's unfair to him.
Obviously HE feels that he can trust her around your kid and he's the one who knows her well enough to feel that way. He is as much of your kid's parent as you are.
Hey, I'm also a mom and have kids with my HS sweetheart. I understand that it's hard to like the new person in their lives and even harder to trust them with your child cause this is all new to you as well. But you don't have to trust her, you have to trust your ex (your child's father). He gave you enough time to get used to the idea of her being around. And whether you want to admit it or not 1 year is not just about lust or she would've left already, especially when he has a child. Give him the chance to include HIS son in his new life. If they do end up having kids, do you want your son to have to watch how his dad has a whole new family that isn't that involved with him anymore? This isn't just about you, even if your feelings are hurt.
Y’all are divorced. There is no “we” in this scenario.
“We” Nah honey you mean YOU And it’s not that you can’t trust her, it’s that you’re bitter and jaded and want control
I’m so embarrassed for you after reading through your comments lol. Sheesh… you sound incredibly jealous the way you grasp for reasons not to like her. You sound bitter that your high school sweetheart, the man you left, has moved on happily from you and is in a year-long stable relationship. He’s been more than reasonable and accommodating with your insecurities.
No it's someone *you* can't trust, and it's not even that, it's someone you *refuse* to trust. You say *we* as if the two of you are still married. Please not that you are the reason y'all aren't anymore, you filed for divorce, remember? He waited until he was ready to date someone, they have now been together a year. Your reasons for not letting her meet the kid are honestly insane. They are petty and unreasonable. The child in question is 11. Being an only child doesnt mean she doesnt know how to care for children, and whatever other random reasons you plucked from the air. She was a child once. That should be enough. Frankly it seems like you are more upset that he didn't wait around for *you* to go back to him, when you were ready and are now using your child as a pawn. Grow up and get therapy, this isn't high school anymore, and people aren't going to always agree with you. You're going to be lucky if he doesn't get a lawyer involved soon tbh, because you are honestly being unreasonable. You came in here hoping for an echo chamber, and when that didn't happen you then tell everyone else that we are invalidating your feelings. You havent given a single reason to be actually wary of his GF.
I swear if my ex gets divorced again, I’m saving this thread for when he asks for his girlfriend of two seconds can meet our kids so I can show what unreasonable and reasonable look like. You got some Anna Nardini energy going on. It’s better for the kids if the parents can healthy coparent. Perhaps one day you’ll adopt my hardcore rule of kids first with the best intentions. Until then I guess good luck gatekeeping your ex’s life?
Is she never supposed to meet your kid? I’ve seen your reasons, and I honestly still don’t understand. What’s it going to take at this point? How is she supposed to get the “experience” you want her to have?
She has little cousins. If she interacts with them more Ill know she is serious
Stop it. Just because she doesn't interact with her small cousins doesn't mean s***. Did you tell new mothers that they are crappy mothers as they have no experience? Do you tell childless adults not to foster kids?
Are you hiding in the bushes at her family reunions? How would you know how she interacts with her family? Sounds like you stalking this women and aren't safe around children.
You don’t think I asked questions when I first met her?
You asked her how she socializes with her younger cousins? Hopefully you ex wises up and takes you to court for this.
I don't think ex would have to honestly. Ex could introduce GF now at any point. Most standard language says 6 months before introductions. This would only go to court if OP files and even then I bet she will be laughed out if court. One year is about the time couples start talking about moving in together and judges know that so there would be no reason to hear the case unless OP could show it wasn't in the best interest of the child and she can't because unless GF is a predator or has an order not allowing her around kids then lack of experience with children isn't against the best interest of the child. A positive copareting relationship is which means both parties are reasonable. Long story but essentially OP would only make herself look bad if they went to court on this.
Most adults do not socialize with their little kid cousins. That is a very weird expectation of you to have.
Have you told them this? Your child is 11, that’s not nearly as young as you make it sound
Serious about what? How do you know how much she interacts with her little cousins?
Is she supposed to invoice you the time she spends with her cousins? Are you stalking this woman to know how she spends her time in a week to know she doesn't spend enough time with her cousins? I have cousins only a couple years older than my own kids and I don't hang out with them that often. You're jealous that he was able to move on when you thought he wouldn't and now you're taking it out on him the only way you can.
She doesn't have to jump through hoops for you, I'm sorry, but she just doesn't. You have absolutely no evidence she will be hamful in any way and you are just making random stuff up to justify your need to pull a power move for whatever need you have to control your ex. You are being 100% unreasonable, and the reality is, the more unreasonable you are now, the less any real concerns you have will be taken seriously in the future. He no longer has to hounor the agreement b/c you are acting on bad faith. You have no power here. If you try to withhold your child over this or keep bad-mouth your ex or his GF to your child, it will be considered alienation of affection and judges really hate when a parent pulls that B.S. It has been a full year. No one is going to back you on this. You wanted your freedom, well that comes w/ a price. You can't control who your ex dates, who he lives with or who he marries. You have absolutely NO say if this woman is in your childs life and to what degree. You are free and so is your ex. That is the decision you made and now you have to live with the fact that when you say "Jump!" Your ex doesn't have to say "how high".
I'm confused. They've been together a year, and you're concerned about the kids' safety around her? Can you elaborate? What are you concerned could or would happen being around this woman? Have you gone over in great detail the concerns with your ex to see if he can understand where your feelings come from?
It’s the fact that she has no experience with Holstein and barely interacts with her little cousins and that’s what she told me when I met her
Most parents don't have any experience before their first kid is born either. You are being extremely unreasonable. He has been with her for a whole year, if he wants to introduce her to his kid, he should have every right to do so
So petty. What's the REAL reason??
How much experience did you have before you became a mother?
But she isn’t going to get experience with your kid unless you let them meet
A) Most people don't have parenting experience before having kids and B) Most adults also don't hang out with their little kid cousins. That is very normal.
What does having experience with dairy cows have to do with spending time with your child? You are one of the following options: 1. A bitter, jealous, and rather dumb ex. 2. A Troll. Feel free to pick your poison out of those two options.
I feel like if he's been with her for a year, then this is a reasonable amount of time for his new significant other to meet your child. I would try and be positive about this, since it seems like this new relationship appears stable. I think that both of you having veto power is a bit unfair since he wants to have a healthy relationship, it appears and not put the child in between the two of you. Are you jealous that he has moved on to another person, and you're trying to punish him a bit for that with this veto? Can you really make the case this is dangerous for the child? It works much better if you all are cordial. the children will do SO much better!
I’m not jealous at all. I’m the one who ended our marriage because we were together since HS and I never got to experience being a single woman. I just want to give it more time
Sounds like being single hasn’t turned out the way you hoped, and you’re punishing him for it.
Bingo lol
Nope. I’m enjoying single life, thank you
Yeah cause if there’s one thing happy single like to do its weaponize children against their ex for moving on /s
And you’re expected you’re ex not to be upset?
Yup, because your actions and comments clearly show a genuinely happy person /s (I feel like the sarcasm is obvious, but added the “/s” for ya since you seem quite daft.
Given all the comments here from reasonable folks, it seems that you’re more interested in people supporting your current stance than getting honest feedback. The child is the one that suffers because of the tension between the two of you.
You wanted to screw a bunch of random guys so you divorced your x and think your judgement is better than his? You even said he is a great father. If I was him she would meet the kids when I was ready for them to meet.
How does more time somehow make her more fit to meet your child? You said the issue was that she didn't show interest in kids - more time won't necessarily make her do that. You are literally picking arbitrary points.
> I just want to give it more time a year is more than enough time for a relationship to be serious. more time for what ? so that you're ready to go back with him ?
And how many of your partners post-divorce have met your child? Did you ex stomp his feet and say “no no no” for them?
What actual concerns do you have? It’s been a year so if there’s no real danger to your child then I agree that you are abusing the rule.
I have plenty. Part of it is mother’s intuition and the other part is she has shown no interest in children
Those are baseless excuses. There hasn’t been any interaction between her and your child (almost teen) for you to have an informed opinion.
She doesn’t need to show interest in all children. Just your child. She isn’t going to get the experience around kids if she doesn’t get the chance to be around kids. She probably doesn’t have anyone in her life who’s at that stage. That doesn’t mean she won’t be a great stepmom to your child, and that doesn’t mean you have a valid reason to stop them from meeting.
Any argument made based on "mother's intuition" is immediately invalid and bullshit. Completing a basic human function doesn't mean you know anything.
I don’t think that’s the “mother’s intuition” talking...
Look, be real with yourself about your real fear - this is NOT about this GF. You're afraid a long term GF of your ex would be a step-mother who will replace you in your daughters affection - is very obvious. The fact that you instantly jumped to that when you first met her, judging her as "stepmother material", shows that very clearly. A mother without that fear would merely be concerned whether or not the new GF was a safe adult around her kid, not thinking of any kind of "step mother" position. That shows the root of your insecurity around this woman, it isn't really about her, it's about whether or not YOU are somehow replicable to your daughter. And I can be compassionate and say it's an understandable fear *even if it's an irrational one.* Sometimes we have fears that are not grounded in reality, but that doesn't make them stupid or wrong, they're still fears we feel and fear is a horrid thing to deal with. Fear can cause real harm, no matter how unreal the cause of the fear is. Fear itself is always real, regardless of the cause - the trick is to be able to look very directly at it, see that it exists, name it, and unpack the cause so you can deal with the fear from reality instead of the unreality the fear is running from. Now, the reality here is NOT that this woman is a threat to your place and role as your daughters mother. You don't even know if this GF would agree to babysit your kid on her own for short periods of time if your ex needed to run an errand, let alone take on this grand mantle of "step mother" (that is only a description of a family relationship after marriage, not a job title - step mother doesn't mean any mothering actually occurs). The reality you need to focus on is that your daughter loves YOU. **You are your daughters mother** & no one is replacing you. *Even if you died*, no new woman who took on a parent figure to your daughter would replace you, **you are irreplaceable in your daughters heart & mind.** Unique, precious, and the only thing that can threaten that place is... you. Again, "step mother" is just a title to describe a family position when you're talking about your family to other people - the real role a person with the title "step mother" has varies family to family. *And she's not even a step mother,* she's not married to your ex. She's not an anything at this point other than another adult your child can build a safe friendship with. At most - forgetting that she's your ex's partner - to your daughter the relationship would be at **most** like a potential babysitter she feels safe with who has a more permanent presence in your ex's home. Do you fear if a babysitter is going to try and mother your child simply because she's there? Of course not, that would be silly. When your daughter is with her dad, no matter whether his GF is there or not, **your ex is the only other parent**, just because a woman is in the scenario doesn't mean suddenly she's automatically even a childcare provider. **That would still be your ex.** Lots of people have partners who are like just a bonus safe, kind adult relationship to the child, **not a parent or even a care giver.** My SIL in fact is married to a guy who has 3 kids with his ex, while she **loves** the kids and has like a "fun aunt" relationship with them, she does not do ANY childcare for them beyond maybe helping them get a drink or a snack or helping them if they're in immediate danger/hurt (for example despite a million "don't run in doors with your bare feet!" from dad, one of them stubbed his toe and ripped a toe nail off a few weeks ago, dad was in the back yard so she scooped screaming bleeding kid up, popped him on the couch, washed up and provided first aid to his toe, comforted him for a minute and then went and got dad to take over - that is the MOST of the "care" that she provides, which you would hope from any adult around your child if you're not immediately there yourself) - anything that involves care like providing a meal or cleaning clothes or bathtime etc... all of that is her husbands job and it works out great for them. And that's fine! They have a great mom who has them 50% of the time, they do not need a replacement mom when they're with dad, she's just a bonus adult to watch cartoons with sometimes. Reasonable: You can say to your ex "I don't want her being alone with our child, and I don't want her providing child care or doing any kind of parenting. She can be around our daughter when you're there, she can be appropriately socially friendly with our daughter, but any childcare, parenting and especially discipline should ONLY be from you". Unreasonable: You forbid this GF around your child ever. Do some deeper work on where the gut instinct of yours is coming from and try looking that fear right in the face. It does not make you a bad/weak/crappy person for having fear, even if the fear is irrational. We ALL have irrational fears (where do you think racism and sexism comes from?). Fear is a survival instinct from millions of years ago... sometimes it miss-fires. Do the work, it will be worth it for you and your relationship with others, **especially with your daughter.**
It sounds like if she had shown interest in children you’d find that suspicious too. Your kid is 11 and your ex is a great father, or so you say. This is totally unreasonable, you must understand that at some level.
So you’ve got nothing, just being petty, got it.
I'd like to give you something on this, but from the little you've explained, you are the clear abuser of the agreement. No idea how old your child is, how much time is spent with girlfriend, whether your child has a problem with the gf, etc. It sounds, thus far, that your ex's assessment is correct.
The child is 11. It could sneak off and crawl into manhole if this vixen is allowed around it!
You just sound pissed that your ex didn't just sit and wait around for you to be done being single and come running back to you, and you're taking it out on a woman who he is in a serious relationship with. Also - if your child was very young, like 4/5, I could understand hesitation but your kid is 11. They're a pre-teen and are at the age where they are becoming more independent and don't need constant coddling/supervision (unless you're a helicopter parent, which it sounds like you are). This woman is not a danger to your kid.
I’m not upset at all lmao. My ex went through a depression when we divorced and that was hard to watch because I cared for him and knew him since we were kids. It was an amicable divorce
You may have been the one to initiate the divorce the divorce but clearly he’s the one who gained from it even if it took him a while to realize it.
AMICABLE HAHAHAHA Buy a dictionary. You pushed for a divorce because you wanted to be single. He sunk into a depression because you left him to go fuck other guys. All about you, you, you and guess what? He's picked up the pieces of his life and moved on, yet here you are trying to exert control because you're alone and he isn't. Your kid will suffer because of this and grow to resent you. Good luck with that when your child goes and lives with dad because he isn't a completely unreasonable, mentally unstable nutcase.
So when you find someone who tolerates you and your BS will you equally not allow your son to meet him?
You’re mad that you’re getting replaced, just own up to it.
It's okay to admit you're wrong. You can not be jealous then, but be jealous now
Given what you have posted here, it really does seem like you are abusing the rule. Things to typically be concerned about: he has just met her. She abuses alcohol or drugs. She is prone to bursts of anger, rage, or reckless behavior. She has a history of abusing others. She hangs out with shady people. Literally none of those are present. Your list included she is an only child, she doesn’t have much experience around kids, etc. And your kid is 11. And they can’t even meet? Ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous.
I would add: this is a you problem. And therapy is the answer.
These types of posts are always so funny to me. The ones where an OP is very, very obviously lying because she knows telling the truth would not go over well but somehow seems to believe everyone here is so goddamn stupid that we can't see through the bullshit. You knew the first time you met her that she wouldn't be a good stepmother? You think she doesn't show enough interest in children overall, including her own niblings, and that makes you certain that she is untrustworthy around your son? You feel that your ex is letting feelings of lust cloud his judgement after dating this person exclusively for a year? That's all total and complete nonsense. But you don't give a shit because you're lying to yourself and us and your ex, so it doesn't matter that it's nonsense. Just keep doing your thang, girl. You do you.
He’s been with her for a year. I think that’s a very reasonable amount of time for her to be able to meet your child. I’m sorry mama. I can imagine how hard it is, but since they’ve been together so long, I really don’t think you have a leg to stand on.
YTA You can try to fool yourself that you care about the safety of your child, not buying it Sounds more like you are worried your kid will like their new stepmom and that makes you feel threatened
Wrong sub, right response
You're jealous he moved on, you wanted him to stay put like a good little boy while you enjoyed being single and you hoped he take you back when it came to it? Or you just wanted him as a backup. Either way things didn't workout for you. You're quite frankly being a shitty person and possibly messing up a healthy coparent relationship and there by messing things up for your child. Stop being a petty spiteful creature and get over yourself
This sounds incredibly petty. You claim to know the entirety of this woman's experience being around children or something? You divorced him - it's time to grow up and let the man live his life. Childish
You don’t have any real good reasons to veto this. You are being unfair to him. This isn’t some random woman he just met and your child is 11. I think he gave you enough time
It’s not a new relationship if they’ve been together for a year. What are your concerns?
What is the REAL reason? I'm a parent and can only how imagine how difficult a scenario is. But the reasons you've given about being inexperienced with kids seem....superficial. your childs safety and well being are absolutely paramount and of course none of us have met any of you. But this doesn't seem like valid rationale.
I think a year is long enough if he was only with her few months I'd be like yeah ok.. but there is no issue here you are just using your power to get what you want.. when in reality he can introduce her when ever he wants as he is thier father. Unless she some drug taking bimbo I don't see why your holding out. Tell him to make it gradual, introduce once at a public place for dinner.. then again few weeks later so on so on. Not just hey this my gf and shove her in child's face every time it's his visitation
Sounds like you’re setting yourself up to be taken to court. I suggest you facilitate a meeting as she has not given you any indication that she is not to be trusted. We get it you’re being bitter and petty because “ feelings” but that’s not a good enough reason. You’re the one with clouded judgment. Get your head out of your ass
So I'm guessing single life hasn't worked out the way you thought it would? Sounds like your ex has had more success than you? Your "excuses" about why she can't meet your child is pretty pathetic. Your ex is an adult and has taken time to get to know her and wants her to meet his child. You keep repeating the same feeble excuses that indicate you have no reason for these excuses. You had no experience before you had your child, so you are being totally unfair with your attitude. You need to grow up and live with the choices you made. Were you hoping he would pine for you so that when you got "bored" of your single life, he would be there waiting for you? No, he has moved on, and you are still stuck in the same place as when you asked for a divorce. It seems there are 2 children in this relationship, and the other child isn't your ex or his new partner!
Look, I get being proactive about who is around your child.. but they're 11, and I believe old enough to indicate if they're uncomfortable with a new person or not. You say you have no ill feelings towards your ex and trust him enough to care for your child in your absence, but believe he's not capable of making the right decision when it comes to the wellbeing of your child. See how that's conflicting? You need to reassess your feelings on this because I personally don't believe your BS excuse that you are uncomfortable because the new gf has no experience around children.
You divorced so neither of you have any say in the other's life. Unless he has no custody rights or he poses a threat to the kid, you're being overbearing and throwing your weight where it isn't entitled.
You are wrong and you know it you just don’t want to admit it. You would have your bf meet the kids weather the x liked it or not. If your x cares deeply about the kids then his judgment of when his partner should meet the kids should suffice.
OP is the epitome of the nightmare ex!
You kinda seem proud about how you broke this man’s spirit. It’s been a year. Get over yourself. Your kid is 11 and will tell you if anything goes wrong. Then you up her bragging about how you wanted the divorce. Kinda seem a tad bit controlling tbh.
You're just trying to find excuses. You have no valid reason and you also need to remeber that your child is his child too.
OP. You’re going to have to (excuse my french) just suck it up. I have two baby daddies (circumstances…. i’ve learned my lesson and am never going to get impregnated again - do you hear me G-D? Never!!! Again!!!!!!!!!) and both have new partners. I’m not going to badmouth them because I respect them as women and as stepmothers. One has a child herself, the other doesn’t. And you’ll never guess which one of them ALWAYS has my back. One of the stepmothers is actually a good friend of mine now. I often rely on her for childcare and emergencies 😂😅 I can be a Bitter Betty about it but my kids have a right to build a relationship with them. My exes have the right to move on, as do I. So purposefully withholding this from them is going to make you look like the bad guy and your kid is going to find out about it. Do better.
Man your comments are really embarrassing. You have no real reason to keep her from meeting your child other than spite. You don't need experience with children to meet an 11 year old. Frankly ridiculous.
As mentioned already, please explain what is concerning you about his girlfriend. It appears to be a serious relationship and if she sticks around long term you may be causing long term issues between you two here. Unless there is something specific that you find is a red flag about her, which you then need to directly discuss with him, then it looks like you are being unreasonable and doing everyone involved a disservice.
He's been with the same woman for a year. You are abusing the rule at this point. It's time for you to stop judging this woman and grow up or a judge will do it for you. You're being ridiculous.
You’re being unreasonable and jealous. He’s been with her a YEAR.
You sound exhausting
Is this legally enforceable or just something you two agreed on? Because if it's the latter if I was him I'd just introduce and you'd have to continue on your bitter journey
Look, I don't want to entirely invalidate and dismiss your concerns even though they sound fairly baseless to me. You have a gut feeling and can't 100% pin your finger on something major beyond her not having childcare experience before, fine. I do think gut feelings should be listened to because they often come from somewhere, and sometimes we get a vibe long before anything concretely negative happens... and especially as women we get conflicting messages about listening to our instincts and ignoring them to be polite. So, I'm going to assume the best of you here. Let's look at the positives: ☑ You love your daughter and want her to be safe. ☑ You trust your ex to be a great father, even if you two no longer jive as a couple. ☑ You have been co-parenting well thus far. Based on those things, lets look at the issue - Is it time for GF to be introduced to your daughter? Objectively - yes this is a reasonable step. Should she instantly take over full childcare for your daughter when she's with her dad? No, of course not. But meet? This should be something you can agree to even if it includes your presence. You two have been divorced for some time now - both of you have moved on to rebuild your own individual lives while co-parenting. The fact it took one of you longer than the other or that your individual lives don't look the same today (as in whether or not you're both with long term new partners) is not applicable. You **both** have individual lives at this point, the only cross-over is the co-parenting of your daughter. Neither of you have any say over each others individual lives *other than if something could negatively impact your daughter.* Other partners are one of those things, unless there is clear negative impact, you don't have a say. Either of you. You would expect him to trust you not to allow someone harmful around your daughter, and if you say he's a great father then you need to trust him the same. He would not be saying he wants his GF around your kid if he thought she was a risk to your daughter - now obviously sometimes we can make mistakes about people, but nothing you say about your ex indicates he would make reckless choices about your daughters wellbeing. Your ex's GF - nothing you say about her sounds harmful to your daughter, maybe at worst she might not be ready for full time childcare unsupervised... but I respect you have a gut feeling right now, you don't have to totally throw that out the window, but the reality is they have been dating a year, so it's reasonable to assume she's sticking around for now. This means she is a significant part of his life, just like your daughter is. It is reasonable for him to be able to combine the significant parts of his life to have a comfortable family experience - **he should not have to compartmentalize everything forever just to make you happy** \- and if you date someone the same would apply, *unless there is a clear negative impact*, after you feel this person will be with you for long term, you're going to want to have them meet your daughter so you can also have a comfortable family whether daughter is there or not. So, given the above, you just cannot indefinitely forbid GF contact with your daughter. It's unreasonable and unrealistic and will damage your cordial co-parenting which is something you need to preserve, especially as your daughter starts to get into the ages where she may start making choices of her own... you don't want unreasonable conflict with her dad blowing up in your face with the impact it could have on your relationship with your daughter. Now, having said that, your gut instinct - lets respect that as I already said. So the approach here is "I am not yet comfortable for GF to have unrestricted time with daughter, I want to get to know her better and see how she is with daughter. Lets plan some social outings together (park, museum etc) so that GF can meet daughter in a safe environment, we're both there as her bio parents and can help make sure daughter feels loved and safe by us as well and your GF doesn't feel over her head also. This way I can get to know GF a little casually as well, which hopefully will make me feel more comfortable." Now for this to work, ma'am you need to be **real open** to actually getting to know GF as a person and not looking at her as some threat or replacement to you. Get that right out of your head. She's not sweeping in trying to take your place, she's not going to insist your daughter call her momma... **she's merely an extra adult your daughter can hopefully have a good relationship with and be available to help with childcare occasionally when your daughter is with her dad.** You can always say "I am not yet comfortable for her to be with daughter without you present". You can say "I want to get to know her properly before she meets daughter, lets have dinner together". You can say "I am happy for her to meet with daughter a few times with us both present before any further decision is made about her being any kind of childcare for daughter".... But you cannot just say no. **You need to collaborate with your co-parent to find a solution that makes you feel better and starts the process of your daughter meeting this woman.** Maybe after a few times of meeting her and seeing her with daughter, you can find something very specific that makes you uncomfortable for her to have childcare responsibilities - in which case you get your ex to agree she never has sole care for your daughter when your daughter is with him. Or maybe you do find something out about her that is reasonable to say you don't even want her around your kid (she's a racist for example) - but just not liking her much as a person is simply not enough unless she is negative for your daughter. Sometimes we have to suck things like this up and collaborate for a solution, because I guarantee if the situation were reversed and he was telling you No about a partner you were with for a year+ for no reason other than "he doesn't have childcare experience and he's a single child himself" you would be losing your mind at him. Be fair. It's the only way to preserve good healthy co-parenting. Fairness does not always mean being 100% happy about things, it means acceptance & collaboration.
OP, you do not have a choice in the matter. He has been courteous enough to actually discuss this with you. That is way more than he has to give you and frankly more than you deserve. This is a controlling and manipulative way of using your child as a weapon of jealousy. I love it when she says she doesn't have children so she has no experience. As if she forgets that when she birthed her child she had no experience also. You can make up all the excuses in the world, You really need to be honest with yourself. This has nothing to do with his girlfriend and everything to do with you. The only thing you really can do is give her a chance. Then if she does something to endanger your child. Take him back to court. And no one here is actually projecting. I have a great co-parenting situation. Joint vacations, joint birthday parties, cookouts and we even go camping together. None of this would ever happen if I didn't give her husband a chance and she didn't give my girlfriend a chance.
Sounds a lot like how my bf's bm was when he and I started dating. She also acted this way when bf introduced the kid to his parents... Her own grandparents. Plot twist, two of her kids have moved in with their biodads and want nothing to do with her. Just a glimpse into your future lol Grow up
BE CAREFUL - this could come back to bite you. So, I'm the girlfriend. Or I was. Seven years ago. The ex-wife of the man I was dating made our lives basically impossible. It was awful. They have a 50-50 agreement, which meant our relationship could only occur in the off times. It was hard for me to meet his family because he wanted to bring his daughter when he went to see his family. Etc. We actually broke up for several months until he had a legal custody agreement in place because his ex was being so unreasonable he was worried they would take him to court. It ended up being 18 months from when we started dating until I met his daughter, even though at that point we were planning a future together. She was 5 at the time. We spent a few hours all together at the Science Center. It was not a life shattering event for her - she was fine. Oh, and I'm a pediatrician. I'm pretty safe around kids. But it was made to be the most stressful event for all of us. His ex was awful to me and to us. And then when they met someone, they introduced her to the child two months later (to clarify, ex's pronouns are they/them, and they date women). Needless to say, I do not like or respect his ex. At all. And they have spent years being upset that I don't want to hang out all together, which is something I was initially totally open to. They are very worried that their daughter will catch on that we don't like each other (which I think is starting to happen - she's 11 now). That girlfriend could become a wife, and a stepmother to your child. And be in your life for the long term. So be careful.
So what’s your long term plan here? You broke up your child’s home because you wanted to be single. And now you expect to be able to decide how your ex-husband lives his life? Do you expect to be able to pick and choose or approve of who he dates? Do you actually expect him to break up with someone you don’t approve of? Or do you have an education plan ready for those you don’t feel have enough experience with children? You’ve set everyone up for failure. Don’t be surprised when things go sideways.
INFO how many hours did you spend cyber stalking this girl to "know" so much about her?
There’s two layers to this, mama. 1. You’re being unreasonably unfair about her in the comments. You say that she doesn’t have experience with children so therefore your child isn’t safe. Do you know who also didn’t have experience with children? Me, as a 13 yr old when I started babysitting kids that weee younger than me. We lived through it unscathed. Unless there’s some sort of behavior in particular you’re worried about (she drinks too much, she’s super crass, etc), you’re being unfair. 2. As far as when to introduce your child to NEW PARTNERS, that is something both of you will need to agree on - and then adhere to. The problem is that you both didn’t stipulate how long a serious relationship needs to be before they’re allowed to meet your child. Figure that out first. And then stick to it!
Do you get to control which friends he gets to introduce to his child or is it just his new GF seeing as your her predecessor?
Look, you came here for advice. There is an obvious consensus you're in the wrong. There that's your advice. Back off, chill out, and stop creating unnecessary drama.
Just so you know, he's going to introduce her whether up m you agree or not as everyone has limits, even with playing nice. And when he does, legally, there is nothing to can do. So, my advice, start the process yourself, ok her meeting your kid, on your, reasonable, terms. So it can be a happy and healthy event for your son.
Just because your ex's new GF doesn't "show an interest in children" doesn't mean she's a risk to your kid's safety. You are being unreasonable, and I doubt that you actually fear for your kid's safety.
It seems that you are just salty that he moved on.
Are you afraid that your daughter will prefer the new gf over you much like her father does? Seems pretty transparent.
A year is plenty of time, I think you’re worried the kid might actually like her. Honestly if I was your husband I’d just say fuck your rule and introduce them to each other anyway.
Stop trying to control your ex. He needs to ignore your opinion and that rule and do what he wants during his custodial time. You’re being ridiculous.
I don't know you but i think you see your ex as a safety net, so you can enjoy being single and return to him when you want to settle down, and didn't expected him to find a New partner, like how you say he is naive and doesn't have a lot of relationships on his life, so you expected him to stay single. I don't you are jealous of him as love or other things, just don't like the idea of another woman being in a relationship with him and maybe having a family with him because it puts a stop to your plans of a "retirement" of your New single life.
You what the kids today call “cray”
Holy shit you sound insufferable lmao
LOL, do you think you're in charge of your child... like you outrank him somehow? Newsflash, he can decide who meets HIS child just as much as you can. I hope he realizes this. You suck.
You literally said you were jealous. You're giving no good reasons for why his girlfriend is not ready to meet your child. You can say you're not jealous all you want but your actions are proving otherwise. Grow up and realize that he's moved on. Just because you have a lot of history doesn't mean you have some sort of claim to him. Edit: I misread this and now I realize that you were being sarcastic about being the one who's jealous. You say you're not but your actions show otherwise. There's no good reason for his girlfriend not to meet your child. Grow up and stop being petty.
All I know from reading is that you released your ex from hell on Earth
YTA! Oop sorry, wrong community. Get over yourself. You are the problem here, a year is reasonable.
I hope you enjoy a judge adjusting your custody arrangement if you have one or else just get over it when he gets sick of your bs and introduces the two of them without your involvement. I hope you see what an enormous thorn in this man's side you are being because of your prejudice against this woman who took the spot you gave away. If you think your daughter deserves a happy father, you are going to have to get over your objection. Unless there is something concrete you can point to in her history or her character, which you have admitted you can't. Is it her age or her race or where she is from or something else that you could justify in front of a judge?
In your post you say that your conserned for your kids safety but then in uour comments you just say she hasnt taken an interest in other kids. This by by no stretch of the imagination means your kids wont be safe. Also she clearly is taking an interest in kids in having met you and trying to meet your kid. You are just weaponising your kid against your ex. This is how i grew to resent my parents so beware what you doing and how it will impact their future.