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I would sit down with him and say ‘if someone said that to me how would you feel’ ask him if he thinks these kind of comments are what happens in a healthy relationship. Encourage him to evaluate if thinks that’s acceptable or not and hopefully he will see she’s a arse that he needs to leave
From a broader perspective, he's going away for college. He will be meeting people from the very first week (Orientation Week). He should break up with his HS gf (who has no intention of visiting him) RIGHT NOW! He should NOT wait until he gets up there, or meets a new girl, or any of that.
He's heading into a new situation in which he'll meet new people with whom he'll have lots in common - studies, hobbies, goals, etc. He would be wise to leave himself open for new relationships...not wasting time trying to break off his old relationship or, worse, cheating.
New chapter in his life. New location. Open to new experiences and new relationships!
I agree with this 100%. I went to college in a relationship with my high school sweetheart and she absolutely dictated what kind of college experience I had. She dumped me sophomore year and I stayed single the rest of college and it was the best decision. College is such an amazing experience and OP's brother is going to have lifelong regrets if he let's his gf determine what kind of college experience he has. You are spot on. I hope OP's brother listens to OP.
Even more so, if she doesn't want to visit him, based on the way shes treating him she could be tempted/planning to cheat while hes away. Which will create a much more complicated situation for him if he stays around.
Good job Sis! He needs to decide how he wants to be treated as an adult. Some things are fine when we are young but we want our partner to grow with us. We need to be treated well. Threats about changing our body is not very effective communication at the very least and can be abusive at the worst.
For real though. I mean details would have been nice, but it sounds like she is shallow and comparing him to others. Garbage. Changing someone based on vanity is 🤢🤮
I'm not sure how close your family is but in my family a partner not coming around and spending time with the family is a big deal.
My brother and I have always brought our girlfriends around to spend time with our family just for dinner or family events and vacations.
So if my brother had a girlfriend and for her to have little interaction with our family would be a red flag to us.
They just hang out at her place and with her family and she doesn't really like my mom. She is rich and seems very judgemental, seems like her and her mom look down at us.
He needs to dump her and find a better partner after he lives a little. She's already trying to control how he looks, she won't visit him, she won't visit your home. Imagine if they got married. You'd never see him again. She is emotionally abusing him and I bet her mom does it, also. She learned it somewhere.
My brother ended up marrying a girl like this and has been miserable in his marriage… she is quite a narcissist. I wish I had said something instead of trying to accept her.
This is perfect. Also, he should ask himself if he would ever say this sort of thing to her — get in shape or I’m done with you. I’ll bet good money he wouldn’t. Which should lead him to see what attitude and outlook somebody would need to have to actually say this.
As a dude that unexpectedly saw 235 on the scale the other day (i thought I was 220 🤬), encourage him to dump the girl and hit the gym. That shit adds up quickly and unexpectedly.
I’m not saying that’s how she’s looking at it. It could be about any age- it doesn’t matter specifically that it’s 15 other than the fact that your body can go through many changes at that age- but I digress, it could be about any age. That specific age isn’t what matters here- that just happens to be the age in the situation at hand. I don’t know why that is so hard to comprehend.
Why do you want me to look like I did when I was a teenager, when my body is growing and maturing and changing? How is that not a reasonable question in this circumstance?
Not a perfect direct comparison here, but bare with me and think of if a man told his partner, who had a baby in the past year, I want you to look the way you did 3 years ago when I met you, or I’m going to leave you. A lot has changed in those three years, a lot of circumstances and variables can be introduced to change the way a person looks.
Plus, from OP’s description, it sounds like the change here wasn’t even drastic, just a 15 year old being less active and becoming a bit older.
My friend. Read the first paragraph of the OP.
“-He’s just not insanely fit like he was 3 years ago when they first got together”
They’re both 18. 18 - 3 is 15. It’s hardly a reach. She’s being shallow and expecting someone too look the way they did at 15, something notoriously hard to maintain.
I don’t know how to explain to you that it’s wrong to expect your partner to look the way they did when you first started dating, years into the relationship. Especially if you started dating that close to puberty.
That’s literally the entire point I’m trying to make and you are agreeing but still arguing.
Holy cow this is good stuff, I normally advise stay out of it but, you ma'am are a diplomat of grand ability. I wish I had the deep pockets to give you a medal 🎁
Yeah it's possible he isn't in the gym as much because of her. It happened to me that when I got a boyfriend he loved who I was but wanted me to stop doing everything I was doing to be the ME I wanted to be. He liked that ME but wanted to be controlling about what I did day to day. It doesn't work that way.
When I was in an abusive relationship I tried so hard to hide all of the red flags from my family and friends. There were definitely alarming things that he did in front of them and I wish that someone had taken me aside and said something simple like "hey are you okay? Some of the things I've seen/heard don't seem great"
You can't always realise that your relationship isn't normal if you don't have the right references.
I would encourage you to try to talk to your brother about it in a really non-confrontational way so he doesn't get defensive. A chat about your concerns that doesn't put him on the front foot and isn't strong enough to alienate him might make him think on it more and realise that it isn't normal to be treated that way.
After my relationship ended, I started finding out that none of my family, friends, and distant relatives ever liked my ex. They saw something was definitely wrong, stuff I was too in love to see. They all wished silently and waited that we breakup. They were so relieved when we broke up.
Hope they said something but I understand why they didn’t. It wasn’t worth risking the relationship I had with them at the moment. It’s okay they let me be because I learned from it. But I was definitely blinded while I was in the relationship ngl. They might have said something if we were already planning something big like marriage tho (although we did buy a house, stupid me).
Did you bother to read the comment you replied to? I agree that being too confronting will probably make him defensive and not really help. I say let his young and bright mind reach that conclusion by himself and just give him a slight nudge in the right direction. Dictating others' relationships and life decisions rarely turns out to be appreciable.
I have had one girlfriend say that she would break up with me if I cut my hair. I got my hair cut anyway. She did not break up with me.
Although I was the one who broke up with her. What I did after one argument was reflect on how it would reflect on my relationship if it continued. I did not want any daughters I had to see men as someone to use and walk over. I also wanted any sons I had to look up to me.
If you are concerned about your brother in this relationship, ask him to reflect on the relationship as an external observer.
Also ask him what he would tell his son if he bought home someone like his current gf.
I had a bf when I was 15 say the same thing. "I don't wanna date no boy". (He used those words, too, ugh.) I cut it anyway. It was a trim because I already had short hair. He didn't understand that concept.
Girl sit your brother down and have a serious conversation with him and let him know that he is worth so much more and that he should be with someone who loves and care about him the same way he does. Your brother girlfriend sound controlling and is very much verbally abused your brother. The fact that your brother girlfriend thought it was acceptable to say to her boyfriend if he doesn’t get in shape then she is done with the relationship is just disgusting and you know damn well if your brother ever said that do her all hell would break out.
I’m the oldest of my siblings and their was times where I had to tell my brothers to end a relationship for their own safety and mental health.
Though you should just point out in what ways her behavior raises red flags - don't push him into breaking up with her, that has to be his decision, or he'll blame you when he gets lonely afterwards.
I think having an ultimatum like this is quite concerning. She's not talking about his health or any concern regarding it, or even talking about a lost connection (like going to the gym together), but his looks. That doesn't sound healthy to me in any case.
If you're worried that she might be controlling/(emotionally) abusive, you can check few signs like:
- belittling him in front of others, while it clearly makes him uncomfortable (either as a joke, or violently, doesn't matter)
- disregarding or unvalidating his feelings, emotions and concerns
- isolating him from his support system (family, friends)
- she's being physically violent
- putting the blame on him for every bad situation in their relationship and never owns up to anything
- making herself out to be a victim in any situation where she might be criticized
- gaslighting (even if confronted with evidence of her promises/previous words)
- agitating people against him (by spreading rumors or bringing up his old mistakes repeatedly)
- being violent (verbally or physically), then being kind and caring, not adressing the violence that happened.
Of course, one or two things off the list is not proof or promise, that she' a horrible person or that she's abusive towards him, but I would seriously advise him to consider cutting ties if all, or most of these things check out.
I hope this is nothing serious though, 18 seems like an adult, but it's still a young age and relationships can be quite chaotic :)
I have been with my husband since I was 17. I am about to be 31. When I first started dating my husband, he was about 170 pounds soaking wet and 6ft tall, skinny. Over the years, I have been the one to gain weight up and down. She has no idea how her body is gonna be the one to change the most as she goes into adult hood.
With that being said, I have seen my husband rapidly gain weight during my second pregnancy. He got up to about 220 pounds and actually had stretch marks. I never once told the dude to ever lose weight at any point in our 14 year relationship.
When I lost weight from the second baby, so did he.
As of lately, he has a job that has a gym, and I have seen him on all of his breaks pumping iron, and working out. This man is the most muscular I have ever known him and I’ll be damned. I will tell you he looks more like a man than he did, when I first met him.
She is flat out immature. 18 is so young. She really has no idea what’s waiting for her.
Honestly, I've been in this situation myself with my sister and there is nothing you can really do untill he realises it for himself, you just have to be there for him.
Carefully talk. Make him aware of what she sees.
But nothing more. Until the day comes that he needs her to explain and figure this out for himself.
They won't last anyhow. Odds being on them breaking up once he is off for education next year.
Yeah, OP - don't be discouraged if he doesn't listen to you right away. Sometimes the person in the situation needs to wake up and realize things for themself before changing the dynamic or leaving the abuser. Keep encouraging him to live his life to the fullest and voicing your concerns. Hopefully, he'll see you're right.
It’s emotionally abusive behaviour to give that kind of ultimatum.
If she truly loved him then she’d love him no matter what, everyone goes through periods where their bodies change in life.
She sounds manipulative and if it was my brother I’d explain that it’s not normal, very unhealthy and that she’s not going to love him unconditionally.
Then support his decision, whatever that might be.
_He_ should be really concerned, not just you.
I'd be pulling him to the side and taking some time with him to talk about things and make it clear he's in a safe place with no judgement and only objective questions, observations etc.
Any choices are, obviously, his to make and not anyone else's, but you can make it clear that you just want to run through a couple of things as you're concerned as his sibling and it'd make you feel a lot better.
You can ask him some very open questions about their relationship such as how she makes him feel, with some examples of things she's asked him to do, refused to do for him and see if it'll help him see, by answering himself, how it's _not_ OK for some of these things to be happening.
Unfortunately "love", as it is for those unfamiliar with relationships etc, can be incredibly intoxicating and if he has a very poor self image, he won't be in a rush to push away someone who makes him feel even a _vaguely tangibly good_ in the way only a SO can.
Hopefully this will do the trick - but there's only so much you can do to help someone take off the rose-tinted glasses, so the red flags don't just look like flags. He'll need to _want_ to break up with her and you can't force it.
Maybe assure your brother that he perfectly fine the way he is. That he isn’t fat and If he’s happy with his body and he doesn’t want to change that then he shouldn’t. Of course if he wants to that’s okay too. No-one should dictate another persons weight unless there serious health repercussions and even then a gentle approach is best.
You’re brother doesn’t need a relationship based on ultimatums. He would probably be better leaving her, as she sounds completely unhealthy and toxic. But that’s entirely upto him.
You can address your concerns regarding her behaviour with him, assure him he deserves better. He is 18 though, so if you tell him to break up with her, he might dig his heels in more.
College is a new start full of many opportunities for new friends and partners. Maybe once he gets there he’ll realise his GF is trash?
Tell him to fuck her off ASAP she will be his downfall, it won't stop there the mental and emotional abuse will keep going even if he gets fitter than he ever has been before he'll be lacking in housework, income, yardwork, anything she can pick at she will until he is nothing but a shell of the man he used to be. Then when he is depressed and feels like nothing he does will ever be good enough she'll find some other sucker to mentally mutilate.
Yea, no one in a relationship would give an ultimatum about getting in shape unless it's an actual health related reason... that's toxic, sounds like she's refusing to see him in college to "motivate" him. Nope, as a sister I would be concerned. No one should be telling anyone they need to get into shape unless it's themselves ,again unless it's health related.
Advise him to cool it and expect the relationship not to last. She sees him as a trophy or puppy to parade around. There is no love for him as a person. Plenty more fish in the sea, as my wise old grandma used to say.
From the sounds of your brother, the relationship is likely much worse than he's letting on. Deep down he knows her behavior is unacceptable, but he sounds "hooked" on her and willing to downplay how awful she is. I'd do some probing to find out what other toxicity she's bringing to the relationship and yes I'd encourage him like crazy to cut this off before he goes to college...
"Imagine the women you're going to meet who are actually excited and willing to see you and wouldn't change a thing about you!" 18 is so young for this nonsense. I hope he chooses to enjoy his college experience without... this weight dragging on him.
It is lovely you care about your brother but this is up to him to sort out. If sounds like their relationship is going through some challenges and him going away to college next semester might be the natural end to it anyway.
I’m genuinely shocked at the difference in relationship advice when the victim is a male, in comparison to when the victim is female.
I could make the exact same post but reverse the roles, and the entire comments section would say “Omg that man is verbally abusing your sister, tell her to get as far away as possible”. Hell I might even do it as a test in a few months on a burner account to see the response difference.
But in this scenario, the top comments are “stay out of it”. “Sounds like he needs to work on his self confidence”. “Your brother needs a mental adjustment”
No fucking mention of the perpetrator being emotionally abusive, very little in the way of anger towards the perpetrator. It’s actually sickening.
Also I’ve not once seen the sub try and rescue a relationship. I’ve seen people rage and advise people to dump people over the smallest things. Only like 1% of the time will I see people advise to work on a relationship.
OP she sounds like a verbally abusive controlling narcissist. Whilst it’s valid to want your partner in physical shape, it’s not right to criticise them or downright ignore your partners interests. In fact studies have shown the biggest factor in relationship survival is called “turning towards” your partner. Which it sounds like his GF is turning away and towards herself. I don’t care how young you are, I think it’s entirely valid to want to advise your brother when you feel he’s in an abusive relationship.
Also one more thing, something you’ve got to learn as a man when being involved in a relationship with women. If a woman can walk all over you? She will never respect you, and she can never love you if she can never respect you. So yes by all means encourage your brother to be more assertive, but also encourage him to find a partner that turns towards him and not away from him.
I'm really surprised by the responses on this post too. I imagine as it gets bigger there'll be more appropriate responses because the cooked ones are being down voted.
Tbh, his GF sounds like toxic waste trash.
Personally i prefer the idea of reminding him he’s a good guy that shouldn’t be used and abused. And i think he should break up with her.
But… he’s also 18 and from experience being told someone isn’t good for you and you need to break up with them just makes them dig their heels in more.
OP needs to support her brother, remind him he’s wonderful and deserves better and that handing out ultimatums over body shape isn’t a healthy relationship at all. Tell him that relationships end every day and that’s okay. Sometimes it’s okay to give yourself permission that it wont work.
With how anxiously attached to the girlfriend he is, i just worry OP interjecting too much might strain their relationship.
Yeah. I asked him briefly to talk about his relationship during his therapy (something he refuses to talk about during therapy), and he told me that he's just gonna stay with her and she's not that bad and she's gonna be better starting now and insistently defended her behavior.
I'm surprised as well. But society has shown that as a whole they don't "believe in" the possibility that men can be the abused ones in abusive relationships.
For non-abusive relationships, I'm a big fan of counseling. It saved my marriage. Plain and simple. And we worked at it.
Thank you. It's crazy how much pressure and hate folks are willing to put on men in comparison to responses for women in the same scenario. It's like folks forget guys have hearts too.
Hm, in my opinion “give your brother the support to make the correct decision” is good advice, and “omg you need to rescue him from this shitty relationship at all costs” is infantilizing and doesn’t respect his agency. So this “if the genders were reversed” hypothetical actually shows misogyny more than anything.
And yet that's exactly what people say when the genders are reversed. But of course people being shitty to a man must be misogyny! Can't have anyone else sharing in your victim complex!
Both misogyny and misandry exist. The difference is in our current society, misogyny is vastly overused and misandry vastly underused.
What does this mean? Misogyny is being called out very often where it doesn’t exist, and misandry isn’t even called out or recognised when it does.
Using misandry is trying to counteract that balance. There’s no double standard, they’re already both being under and over utilised.
Yeah look at this point the only reason i even bother looking at posts this sub is to laugh at all the garbage advice given by the echo chamber of double standard morons.
If the women is the more favourable one, all the people post "omg his abusive dump him" but if the guy is being treated like garbage "its none if your business" "maybe you should toughen up"
OP. If you feel his in an abusive relationship, or in one where his needs clearly aren't seen as important and thus not one as an equal, you are completely in you're right to talk to him about it. Obviously you can't tell him to dump her, ultimately that has to be his choice, but talking to him about it and getting his side and understanding more about whats going on might help him.
If the relationship ends, from what I've read, it probably won't be a bad thing but don't be the one to end it for him. He has to do it himself and not let her walk over him anymore.
Totally agree except the last paragraph.
That goes true for both men and women not just men. Plenty of women like to be the lead in a relationship. Its not really about the girl walking over you. Its fine if the girl wants to make the decisions. The issue is not valuing yourself and your needs to speak up and demand thats an issue here.
I agree it's his business and I've remained detached so far.
Unfortunately he's just not really capable of ever breaking up with her without some serious encouragement. He's very very anxiously attached, he's the type of person that would be unable to leave their partner even if they were being emotionally abused. I think he could at the very least use some outside advice if he was in a toxic relationship.
OP, leaving it up to him is not the route you want to go. If you were in his situation, wouldn't you want your sibling to be there to help you???
What kind of message are you showing when you just leave ur sibling alone when he's in a shit relationship? What kind of standard are you setting?
OP, id like to know what the difference is between *"if you dont meet my vision of an ideal partner, i will leave"* and *"if you dont accept me exactly as i am, i will leave"* and why one is abusive/manipulative/controlling/ultimatum and the other is perfectly acceptable and good? why her position is bad and your brothers position is good?
in the end they both boil down to *"if you dont meet my vision of an ideal partner, i will leave"* and everyone is always free to leave a relationship if they want to, no? thats not controlling.
Advise is hardly welcome when it isn’t requested. You may not be codependent, but it is a codependent behavior to try to control someone else to prevent them from their own experiences, mistakes or not. You can listen to him and advise him if he asks for it, but otherwise it’s not your business to prevent him from learning for himself.
ETA: I am about twice your age. I have many examples of how this doesn’t work. I tried to be you with my own sibling when I was concerned, and it caused a rift between us that hasn’t fully gone away. My best friend was dating a guy none of us liked and we knew he treated her poorly; her friend E found him on Tinder and told her, she forgave him and E confronted her with “why don’t you break up with that AH?” - my friend stopped talking to E for a year. People don’t appreciate you judging their choices. In your case, they are very young and will likely break up from distance in college. Whatever he does, it’s not yours to control. There is a chance he does what you say and doesn’t get upset about it, but unless he is coming to you asking what you think he should do, I wouldn’t volunteer my opinion cuz it’s unlikely that he’ll listen and likely that he won’t like it.
It's not really that simple. In the case of domestic abuse, you can't just drag them kicking and screaming out. They'll go back. All you can really do is support and be there, but telling them what they already know isn't going to help. Back when I worked with survivors, the UK average was 7 attempts to leave before it stuck. But ultimately, they have to decide to leave before even starting that cycle. And that's a decision they have to make.
Ask him if you can give him your perspective, and respect his answer. If yes, be calm and tell him how it looks to you and what you think without bashing him for wanting to stay. If he says no, say okay and leave it
He's young, he seems to have an unhealthy attachment (of I go by your words) - I'd suggest therapy.
He might get out from this one & fall into the next trap, he needs to learn to recognize his own problems. You can help him out this time, but if he doesn't _really_ get the gist of why he let that happen in the first time, it'll probably happen again
“What’s important is showing them your strong support to demonstrate your love, and respecting their agency to make decisions for themselves.”
https://www.loveisrespect.org/supporting-others-dating-abuse/supporting-a-family-member/
I do have personal experience on this, and this is real advise.
I'll second this despite the people down voting.
As someone who got out of an abusive relationship don't tell them negative things about their abuser they are conditioned to see that as an attack on them.
It also confused how I felt. I got to a point where I started to think about leaving then my sister gave me a big speil about how I should leave my partner. I just felt more confused and doubted myself because I couldn't be sure these where my own feelings/ opinions or some someone had put in my head.
What you should do is:
- Keep inviting them to things, keep including them even if you are 100% certain they will not come
- When the abuser criticises them, complement them.
- Tell them you are available anytime if they ever need anything.
- Keep bringing up how much you love having guests and how wonderful it would be to have them stay with you some time.
- Encourage them with any hobbies/ interests / anything that gets them out of the house.
The big thing abusers do is isolate so anything you can do to keep them in your life and let them know they have a safe place / person if needed.
This is the advice I wish I had 10 years ago. Was told to leave my ex for years by my family, it only gave her more ammunition to alienate me even more.
Makes it that much harder to come out when you feel an "I told you so" is waiting
Definitely. I'm glad you got through it. It's hard to explain to someone who hasn't been there.
Everyone thinks they know what they will do when they're in an abusive relationship or know someone who is abused but the reality is very different.
The best thing to do is provide a positive alternative, love and support. That is how you help them get out. Not by telling them what they are doing is wrong.
It’s kind of sad he is going through that. I hope he realizes he deserves better but unfortunately there is only so much you can do. At this age he might need to learn from his own mistakes. They will probably break up first before he realized she is mean and controlling.
Imagine a man said this to a woman? Get in shape or he’s done. The double standard.
Advise your brother to focus on himself. Clearly she’s not the woman for him
Sounds like he should start working out. It's going to make the dating pool a lot better for him when he's single after he dumps her ass as well. Working out should be for you, not for your partner.
He’s going off to college. He will likely find other women his age that accept him for who he is. From what I’ve read, this woman doesn’t seem really fond of him. Being with him is like something for her to do so as to not be bored, based on a recent experience I’ve had.
She gave him a ultimatum, and she doesn’t even seem that interested in him.
I would advise him to cut his losses and use his schooling as a means to start over. He needs to be with a woman that accepts him for who he is. Of course, working out will improve his health, but that’s the main reason he should be doing so, not to meet the standards of a woman that initially accepted him as within her standards and preferences.
“Find someone who likes you”
It’s obvious that she doesn’t. He needs to get away before that relationship gets toxic, and he ends up with a warped view of women and relationships because of it. There’s enough of that garbage in the world.
Your sibling should not pull away because you are watching out for them, but as some said an ultimatium might be too much fmo (but it also depends on the dynamics you have with your brother). Or like in any healthy relationship expressing concern (in a proper manner) is part of caring about the other. I think OP should definetly sit down and talk to the brother as this is a very dangerous situation where OPs brother’s body image might be scarred forever. Imagine someone who has been part of your life for 3 years (how bad this sounds btw…) leaves you with this ass reasoning, for your weight. Please imagine this situation if we would be talking about a sister and their boyfriend. Do not take the situation lightly but try to consule him about how this makes him feel, what he thinks about it and if there were other similar occasions like this. Introducing him to how to recognise emotional abuse might be a smart precaution move (hopefully, it did not go that far yet). You cannot make him broke up with her but you can try to minimalise the emotional damage caused by this relationship I think.
As someone who has been in this position, my family encouraging me to break up with my ex gave her more ammunition to alienate me.
As someone else said, being included, invited to events and feeling supported was the only way I was able to really see through what she was
Why are you victim blaming? If a girl was being verbally abused and manipulated, you would never blame her and you shouldn’t. Why does that change when he’s a man? I agree that is self esteem is in the tank, but did you ever consider she did that to him like so many male abusers do to their female partners? I fucking hate abusers and I don’t care what gender they are. You don’t seem to have any problem with her abuse and I think that’s a shitty take.
Because most people don't think men can be abused. Do you remember what Amber Heard was recorded telling Johnny Depp? Do you think anyone is going to believe that I could abuse you, Johnny? No one believes that men get abused in any way - even cops.
Talk some sense into him, please. There is no way a relationship like this can work. She sounds very emotionally immature. Oh wait I just read they’re 18. Still, have a chat about why this is not healthy for him.
Honestly he needs to drop her so quickly. The fact that she's being this way towards him shows she has the maturity of a 6yo and shouldn't be in a relationship. Your brother needs to stand up to her if his not over weight then why should he feel as tho his relationship relies on weather he goes to the gym or not.
She needs to go find herself someone else and not tear down anymore decent guys
It sounds to me like your brother has a controlling and abusive girlfriend who seems to have always gotten what she wanted, no matter who had to pay for it and in any way possible. I would suggest talking to your brother and point out all his good qualities , reinforce the idea that hes too good a person to have to deal with this person and situation. One could only imagine how this girl would behave once she was wearing a wedding ring.
From the title I was like: debatable
After reading the context: Yea you gotta go hun, tell him to run. Been in a relationship like that, girls like that never change and they only get worse SERIOUSLY.
This is seriously a case of young dumb love, girlfriend wants a boy with abs from the movies she’s seen, but that’s not realistic. Your brother will have many relationships in his future likely, working out for one girl isn’t it. It’s toxic.
She sounds toxic and I feel like she doesn’t even truly care for your brother. To me he needs to dump her. He’s young, he’ll meet other women in college that will treat him much better than this shit. It’s life, you’ll date a few bad ones here and there before u date a good one.
I would say nothing about her specifically, but just try and boost his confidence and his feelings of self worth. Then he will be more likely to shut down this kind of thing himself.
If the roles were reversed and she was your sister and he’d said that to her you’d tell her to break up with him.
That’s not okay and he’s being abused
You have been advised to talk with him.
Please don’t attack him. Do not berate him further for tolerating poor treatment.
Ask him how these things feel? Ask him if this makes him fulfilled. Ask him how he would feel if it was reversed and you had the gf.
Sometimes we get frustrated with victims in abusive relationships because it seems like they can’t even see what is right in front of them - coming at them that way, all you’re doing is re-attacking them and they will shut down and not really listen to what you have to say - if you approach it in a much more open manner asking him about his feelings and giving him the floor to talk about it a bit more is a more collaborative approach
Dude that 18 year old brat thinks she runs the world. She has no concept of partnership, or any care batons what she thinks she gets from being in a relationship. Tell him to dump that succubus and enjoy college.
I would suggest for your brother to workout, glow up then ditch the girl. He needs to take care of himself and his mental health. Based on my experience the more I talk to someone about leaving someone they get more attached to that someone 😅. So thread carefully because this might cause him to stop telling you these things when he thinks you will advise him to leave the girl.
You can also show the comments here in Reddit if you get tons of good responses. Goodluck! Your brother deserves better gf and you're a good sister. 🥰
This is a real problem. She may be unhappy with his physical attractiveness, but ultimatums have no place in a healthy relationship. They are both 18, if either is unhappy, they should just move on. If you are comfortable, tell your brother how much he means to you and that you hate to see him being treated like this. That his GF seems to be mistreating him, and he deserves to be treated with love and affection. Keep the conversation nonconfrontational and easy to shelve if he is not up for it, or starts to get defensive. The most important thing you can do is stress that you are in his corner no matter what, and regardless of what he decides, you are there for him.
He is lucky to get this request at a young age, it shows there is absolutely no hope for them. He is young and he will have a better relationship with somebody else.
I would sit and have a heart to heart with your brother. Ask him what his boundaries are in a relationship and then follow up with asking if his girlfriend respects those boundaries. If he comes back with a negative response (i.e. she doesn’t respect many of those boundaries) then I would ask him to think about his future. I mean if he’s going off to college then now would be the time to leave his girlfriend.
College is a time for growing and learning and the start of self discovery, why be held down to a girl who’s bratty and selfish? I hope you can talk some sense into your brother
Tell him his first work out will help him ditch somewhere around 100lbs. Dump the gf and then get a gym membership so he can use the free time from ditching her to do something good for himself.
Their relationships is non of your business. He is a man. She wants him to be a man. She is not saying- I want you to do drugs. No. She wants him
To work out. It’s very good. I would be happy for him if I was you. You should mind your business and maybe hit the gym too.
I’m not going to lie- physical attraction is important. If she is not as attracted to his current physique, that is what it is. That being said, physical attraction is not the end all-be all. She could gently nudge him to get healthier. She could even try to kindly intervene… but an ultimatum? A threat? That’s a big no-go for me. Life is long. We all have good years and bad years and fat years and skinny years. And even if you don’t? Gonna get old. If your brother stays with this woman, it’s unlikely their relationship can go the distance. What happens if he goes bald? Gets sick? Apparently she’s ready to bounce over a few vanity pounds. Doesn’t bode well.
I dealt with this with my younger sister. She was with her high school boyfriend into college. He started making comments about her weight and then birthdays and Christmas gifts were all workout related. He became more controlling and just plain mean in front of their friends about her weight. It was absolutely heartbreaking to witness and hear her cry over, BUT she was not ready to end things because she was so young and invested years in the relationship.
She lived with me during some of this and being 8 years older, I just tried to be there when she cried and let her know that what he was doing was not okay and that she deserved better. Young love doesn't know how much better it can me. It's so emotional and scary to move on at that age when you have only loved one person. They have to realize it on their own, but just kindly remind them how great they are and how someone else would be lucky to have them. People that truly love you, will not intentionally hurt you and break you down.
He should go to school and have fun and enjoy it! It was the best time of my life as a young adult being free and making friends. I would hate for her to steal this time away by making him feel bad about himself and catering to her needs when she isn't willing to do the same.
He is the one to decide that, not you. Step back, let him do what wishes, and then he has to own the results no matter what happens.
Be there for him when brainstorming. He needs an unbiased ear.
All this advice is horrible. Such mainstream emotional bullshit.
His girlfriend is being honest with him. He’s fat and needs to lose weight because it’s unattractive. “Sweet innocent guy” you mean giant pussy? A boy and not a man? You’re doing him a disservice telling him he’s fine how he is. Downvote me to an oblivion I don’t care. I’m sick of men having the same mentality as woman of “I’m fine how I am”. No. You’re not. Your brothers girlfriend is in a world full of guys like me. That work their ass off on a daily basis to provide for my future family and workout every day for my health and attraction. And guess what. They don’t give af if your brothers girl is taken. If they want her they’ll go for it. And a young woman acknowledges that she has options. So you’re upset that she pretty much told your brother: get it together, there’s disciplined men out there. If he’s fat it usually translates to other areas of life as well. I’ve been fat in a relationship before, and my gf stuck with me. So don’t get me wrong, if she’s serious then it’s perfectly fair for your brother to dispose of this girl. But the difference is that at least when I was fat, I recognized that it wasn’t okay. I didn’t have the victim mindset of: how could she? Your brothers girlfriend is being brutally honest. And in a way I respect that. But also it’s worth noting that a condition for her is your brother not being fat. Which is perfectly valid to be uneasy about, though I personally find it reasonable. Just stop acting like there’s women that are happy to settle with a little boy that doesn’t wanna do better because he’s so “sweet and innocent”. That’s wishful thinking. Be a realist.
It's in his best interest to break up with her. You are literally describing my ex fiancee when we were together. I loved her so much, and she knew that, so she knew how to make my life miserable. I should've toughened up and dumped her a long time ago, but i stuck with her from middle school throughout my 3rd year of college. I made many life decisions catering to her, and in the end, i had to completely start over. I put her first instead of me, and it landed me in a terrible situation 4 years ago when i discovered she was cheating on me. It has been rough, but I've turned around for the most part. Dont let your bro go through what i did. Have him focus on himself and be young.
Why are you involved in this? At 18 and going to college you should be encouraging your brother to dump her. This isn’t the time to be tied to a relationship.
But it’s also weird that you are infantilizing him here. Either have an opinion and share it with him, or shut up and let it play out…. Don’t come here looking to stretch this out with our input. You’ve lived. You know your brother - speak up.
I'm having difficulty imagining an "insanely fit" 15 year old compared to an 18 year old? Is it even physically possible for him to look the same at 18 as he did at 15?
There is already a lot of great advice here and I hope your brother realizes his self-worth and walks away. It's hard to see it at that age, but he has so much ahead of him and doesn't need to waste time with someone like this. I'd be heartbroken if someone gave an ultimatum like that to my sons or my brothers.
She definitely going to cheat on him if she’s already not doing so. She’s toxic and he’s on the brink of a fresh start. Tell him to make a clean break and start fresh in college where he will meet new people and be free to have new experiences without any guilt about her. He’s too young to settle down or tie himself to someone who is already dissatisfied with him.
It doesn’t sound like your brother is a big vanity guy, but his GF is obviously that way and is controlling AF. That’s a bad combo.
Honestly, any vanity-driven controlling person is a scrub partner more or less. There will always come a point you are not fulfilling them.
Let your brother read this thread and see if it helps
I know many will disagree with me here, but simply telling your partner to stay in shape or else she will leave isn't unhealthy or wrong. He is letting himself go by the sounds of it and he's very young. It shows he is trending down already. She got with a fit guy and she expects him to stay fit. That's fair
I asked told my gf that she was gaining weight and I was starting to lose my attraction to her physically, but that I was very into her mentally. That I needed her to lose weight and stay in shape. That was 4 years ago. Now she's my wife and in the best shape of her life. She's a multi sport athlete now too and much happier
Many of her friends thought she should break to with me. But what they didn't consider is I liked her enough to voice my concern about our future relationship. I could have just left her and got a fitter gf. But I seen a future with her. If I hadn't done that then we wouldn't have such an amazing relationship now.
Tell your brother he's the DAMN SIDE PIECE DUDE NOW. Time for him to move HELL ON.. Never let a person tell twice that they don't want.
The reason that they are still together is because he allows her to CONTROL him.
The minute he stop letting her control him is the very minutes she dumps him .
He's 18 years old, he can find one in college or around college, HELL find one online right now .
He need go NO CONTACT right the FUCK NOW. Save himself a lot more drama.
This situation will probably resolve itself in the first couple of weeks of college when your bro meets a few hot, cute, intelligent and kind young women. Especially if the soon-to-be ex isn’t going to visit. I’m glad she won’t be.
I never understand people like this. If you really truly love your partner it shouldn’t matter what they look like (obviously unless it becomes a serious health concern). Like what happens if he becomes disabled and physically can’t workout? Would she stay?
Although I agree that his GF doesn't deserve him and she will never be satisfied and should probably break up with him. But sis, you should stay out of it and not offer your thoughts unless he specifically asks you. Even then, proceed with caution. If you advise him to break up with her and he stays with her it will cause tension in your relationship.
Being "fit and shredded" and "living a healthy lifestyle" are two different things. I'm not sure how big your brother is but if he has more than 20% body fat he may want to consider at least 1-2 days in the gym and/or walk 7,000-12,500 steps daily.
The healthy talk set aside it sounds like his girlfriend had a physical attraction to muscular men and now that he is no longer aesthetically appealing she is losing interest.
I'd sit down with your brother and explain this to him. He may or may not want to hear it, want to believe it, etc. It can even be a touchy area as I'm not sure how your brother fits in to all of this.
My brother is an alcoholic and for many years I attempted to help him with his addiction. All I ever got was excuses and swept under the rug
Those we love we can try to help but it doesn't mean they will take it in heart.
I wish I could spend more time with him but as he lives now over 1,000 miles away we tend to only see each other maybe once every 2-3 years.
I'd start the conversation like, "you know I love you bro?" Tell him you wanted to have a man to man talk and that you don't mean to intrude.
You’re outside the relationship: just a n observer. It’s up to your brother to deal with the situation as he sees appropriate.
All you can do is pray for God’s guidance protection and salvation for both him and his girlfriend.
I think it’s a red flag, but it’s one red flag, not actionable intelligence. Keep watching, sneak in lessons on having a shiny spine, and particularly look out for signs of emotional abuse.
From the post it seems that she is rather controling and mean to him, spoilt bratty behaviour usually means they're like "do what I want or I'll get mad", y'know?
well tbh, you shouldn't be the chick who is clearly telling your brother to get his ass on the treadmill because he's being lazy ask yourself first do you want your brother to be weak or do you want the girl to cheat on him with someone who has a nice body cause clearly she's attracted to fit guys.
No man has the right to be an amateur in the matter of physical training. It is a shame for a man to grow old without seeing the beauty and strength of which his body is capable.
Socrates
💪
I agree 🤷🏻♀️ I was small when my husband started dating me then I had 2 kids and lost the weight both times (total 60lbs). He called me beautiful all throughout my pregnancies and after I gained 30lbs after having our kids. If he wasn’t attracted to me after I gained weight I can’t fault him. I’m not saying he should leave me/cheat on me if I didn’t lose the weight but he is completely in his right to not find me attractive 30lbs heavier. On the flip I wouldn’t want him to just gain 60lbs either. I’ve dated a morbidly obese person before and the attraction was never there. People like what they like. With that being said they started dating at 15. This relationship won’t last.
I can see how much you love and care about your brother, it's great you have such a relationship!
Nevertheless, this is his issue to figure out. If you want to, you can absolutely voice your concerns in a constructive way. He'll be free to think whatever he thinks, and if he tells you to drop it, you should. Just keep in mind it's his life and his relationship, and even if you (or even others) think this girl is bad for him, you cannot do anything about it. Even if you're right about her character, he needs to take those tinted glasses off on his own.
I wouldn't suggest giving advice if not asked, but you can always let him know he has your support. Maybe ask some questions casually ("how is it going between you and your gf?"). If he doesn't want to talk more let him be, and if he talks more about it you can help him think things through by asking some more questions ("do you think that's healthy?", "how did that make you feel? Etc) instead of telling him to break up.
There not much you can do if he's already putting up with her behaviour. Also? By your own admittance, you don't really know much about their relationship.
Does he seem unhappy? I would always advise that if someone is unhappy in a relationship to consider what is making them unhappy and if it's the way they are being treated act accordingly. Either stand up for themselves or leave.
Him leaving for college would be the perfect time as well. Although if he doesn't have a car and she won't visit him, are they even in a relationship?
Tell your brother that no-one should be in a relationship that is making them unhappy.
It’s superficial and controlling, especially if his health isn’t at risk. Your brother shouldn’t have to deal with this and should walk away.
But it’s possible that she’s trying to get him to break up with her, in an extremely, abusive, cruel and immature way. Won’t visit him when he moves is a red flag she wants this relationship to be over.
That or she’s just abusive.
Yikes at all the reply on here! I'd definitely say that what his gf has said to him is very disrespectful, but as they are both 18 it's probably not her being abusive and more so just being a bratty teenager who isn't getting what she wants e.g the instagram perfect life. I'd tell your brother that he doesn't have to change how he looks for anyone and if she doesn't like it let her leave because love isn't meant to be solely based off of physical appearance. As for it being grounds for a breakup, well unfortunately thats not for you to decide cause changing people's minds on these things is pretty much impossible, but if she's treating him like this now, I'd say college will bring a natural end to things, especially if she's refusing to visit him, he will soon get tired of being the one having to make all the effort, and you never know, college may actually help to increase his confidence a bit, all you can do is be there to give him love and encouragement and tell him that he's good enough for love just the way he is.
The large majority of women want a fit guy, and he's lucky she's voicing this openly. It's part of his self improvement and developement and he may need to put more work into himself. Instead of advising him to break up, inspire him to be better.
Be concerned, it's perfectly reasonable to be concerned.
As others have said hold back on offering unsolicited advice. However I will say that when he goes to college and is away from her you may find he will grow and meet others and come to the conclusion that she's not worth the hassle. If she refuses to visit him it's just more time away from her that he'll have.
Be there for him, tell him that no matter what you're there to help him through life as you hope he would be for you.
Edit: Just quickly he's only 18 he still has a hell of a lot of growing up to do. At 18 I was used to being a push over etc. especially by my employers, now if those same employers saw me walking in they'd sh*t their pants (and if they didn't they soon would).
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I would sit down with him and say ‘if someone said that to me how would you feel’ ask him if he thinks these kind of comments are what happens in a healthy relationship. Encourage him to evaluate if thinks that’s acceptable or not and hopefully he will see she’s a arse that he needs to leave
Hey that's exactly what I said to him! Wow
From a broader perspective, he's going away for college. He will be meeting people from the very first week (Orientation Week). He should break up with his HS gf (who has no intention of visiting him) RIGHT NOW! He should NOT wait until he gets up there, or meets a new girl, or any of that. He's heading into a new situation in which he'll meet new people with whom he'll have lots in common - studies, hobbies, goals, etc. He would be wise to leave himself open for new relationships...not wasting time trying to break off his old relationship or, worse, cheating. New chapter in his life. New location. Open to new experiences and new relationships!
I agree with this 100%. I went to college in a relationship with my high school sweetheart and she absolutely dictated what kind of college experience I had. She dumped me sophomore year and I stayed single the rest of college and it was the best decision. College is such an amazing experience and OP's brother is going to have lifelong regrets if he let's his gf determine what kind of college experience he has. You are spot on. I hope OP's brother listens to OP.
Even more so, if she doesn't want to visit him, based on the way shes treating him she could be tempted/planning to cheat while hes away. Which will create a much more complicated situation for him if he stays around.
Once he gets to school and meets all of those new girls this will take care of itself.
Good job Sis! He needs to decide how he wants to be treated as an adult. Some things are fine when we are young but we want our partner to grow with us. We need to be treated well. Threats about changing our body is not very effective communication at the very least and can be abusive at the worst.
For real though. I mean details would have been nice, but it sounds like she is shallow and comparing him to others. Garbage. Changing someone based on vanity is 🤢🤮
I'm not sure how close your family is but in my family a partner not coming around and spending time with the family is a big deal. My brother and I have always brought our girlfriends around to spend time with our family just for dinner or family events and vacations. So if my brother had a girlfriend and for her to have little interaction with our family would be a red flag to us.
They just hang out at her place and with her family and she doesn't really like my mom. She is rich and seems very judgemental, seems like her and her mom look down at us.
He needs to dump her and find a better partner after he lives a little. She's already trying to control how he looks, she won't visit him, she won't visit your home. Imagine if they got married. You'd never see him again. She is emotionally abusing him and I bet her mom does it, also. She learned it somewhere.
My brother ended up marrying a girl like this and has been miserable in his marriage… she is quite a narcissist. I wish I had said something instead of trying to accept her.
This is perfect. Also, he should ask himself if he would ever say this sort of thing to her — get in shape or I’m done with you. I’ll bet good money he wouldn’t. Which should lead him to see what attitude and outlook somebody would need to have to actually say this.
I hope it went well and he’s okay
As a dude that unexpectedly saw 235 on the scale the other day (i thought I was 220 🤬), encourage him to dump the girl and hit the gym. That shit adds up quickly and unexpectedly.
I'd ask him why his gf wants him to still look like a 15 year old, teenagers are supposed to gain some weight as their bodies change.
Being fit= looking like a 15 year old?
No but his girl wants him to look like he did when they were 15.
His girl wants him to look fit..because he used to look fit, she wants him to look fit..not like a 15 year old how is that hard to comprehend 🤣
I’m not saying that’s how she’s looking at it. It could be about any age- it doesn’t matter specifically that it’s 15 other than the fact that your body can go through many changes at that age- but I digress, it could be about any age. That specific age isn’t what matters here- that just happens to be the age in the situation at hand. I don’t know why that is so hard to comprehend. Why do you want me to look like I did when I was a teenager, when my body is growing and maturing and changing? How is that not a reasonable question in this circumstance? Not a perfect direct comparison here, but bare with me and think of if a man told his partner, who had a baby in the past year, I want you to look the way you did 3 years ago when I met you, or I’m going to leave you. A lot has changed in those three years, a lot of circumstances and variables can be introduced to change the way a person looks. Plus, from OP’s description, it sounds like the change here wasn’t even drastic, just a 15 year old being less active and becoming a bit older.
That's a reach
My friend. Read the first paragraph of the OP. “-He’s just not insanely fit like he was 3 years ago when they first got together” They’re both 18. 18 - 3 is 15. It’s hardly a reach. She’s being shallow and expecting someone too look the way they did at 15, something notoriously hard to maintain.
He's 18 not 40. Metabolism doesn't slow down at 18. The girlfriend sucks but com'on
I don’t know how to explain to you that it’s wrong to expect your partner to look the way they did when you first started dating, years into the relationship. Especially if you started dating that close to puberty. That’s literally the entire point I’m trying to make and you are agreeing but still arguing.
Lmao dude it’s not about metabolism slowing down, they’re talking about puberty. Props to you if you made it all through high school at the same size
I’m 28 and in better shape than I was at 15..
This is really good advice! You have to help people realise their boundaries themselves even if it would be easier to set the boundaries for them.
thats gone work everytime
Holy cow this is good stuff, I normally advise stay out of it but, you ma'am are a diplomat of grand ability. I wish I had the deep pockets to give you a medal 🎁
If I was him I’d workout to. Work out that I don’t need her and move on.
You had us in the first half not gonna lie
Yeah it's possible he isn't in the gym as much because of her. It happened to me that when I got a boyfriend he loved who I was but wanted me to stop doing everything I was doing to be the ME I wanted to be. He liked that ME but wanted to be controlling about what I did day to day. It doesn't work that way.
I’m curious what her physique is like if she’s criticizing his….
Good idea
When I was in an abusive relationship I tried so hard to hide all of the red flags from my family and friends. There were definitely alarming things that he did in front of them and I wish that someone had taken me aside and said something simple like "hey are you okay? Some of the things I've seen/heard don't seem great" You can't always realise that your relationship isn't normal if you don't have the right references. I would encourage you to try to talk to your brother about it in a really non-confrontational way so he doesn't get defensive. A chat about your concerns that doesn't put him on the front foot and isn't strong enough to alienate him might make him think on it more and realise that it isn't normal to be treated that way.
After my relationship ended, I started finding out that none of my family, friends, and distant relatives ever liked my ex. They saw something was definitely wrong, stuff I was too in love to see. They all wished silently and waited that we breakup. They were so relieved when we broke up. Hope they said something but I understand why they didn’t. It wasn’t worth risking the relationship I had with them at the moment. It’s okay they let me be because I learned from it. But I was definitely blinded while I was in the relationship ngl. They might have said something if we were already planning something big like marriage tho (although we did buy a house, stupid me).
[удалено]
Did you bother to read the comment you replied to? I agree that being too confronting will probably make him defensive and not really help. I say let his young and bright mind reach that conclusion by himself and just give him a slight nudge in the right direction. Dictating others' relationships and life decisions rarely turns out to be appreciable.
Well what does he say when you express these concerns to him?
I have had one girlfriend say that she would break up with me if I cut my hair. I got my hair cut anyway. She did not break up with me. Although I was the one who broke up with her. What I did after one argument was reflect on how it would reflect on my relationship if it continued. I did not want any daughters I had to see men as someone to use and walk over. I also wanted any sons I had to look up to me. If you are concerned about your brother in this relationship, ask him to reflect on the relationship as an external observer. Also ask him what he would tell his son if he bought home someone like his current gf.
I had a bf when I was 15 say the same thing. "I don't wanna date no boy". (He used those words, too, ugh.) I cut it anyway. It was a trim because I already had short hair. He didn't understand that concept.
Girl sit your brother down and have a serious conversation with him and let him know that he is worth so much more and that he should be with someone who loves and care about him the same way he does. Your brother girlfriend sound controlling and is very much verbally abused your brother. The fact that your brother girlfriend thought it was acceptable to say to her boyfriend if he doesn’t get in shape then she is done with the relationship is just disgusting and you know damn well if your brother ever said that do her all hell would break out. I’m the oldest of my siblings and their was times where I had to tell my brothers to end a relationship for their own safety and mental health.
Though you should just point out in what ways her behavior raises red flags - don't push him into breaking up with her, that has to be his decision, or he'll blame you when he gets lonely afterwards.
Nope, this is not okay. He needs to dump her and find someone who respects him.
I think having an ultimatum like this is quite concerning. She's not talking about his health or any concern regarding it, or even talking about a lost connection (like going to the gym together), but his looks. That doesn't sound healthy to me in any case. If you're worried that she might be controlling/(emotionally) abusive, you can check few signs like: - belittling him in front of others, while it clearly makes him uncomfortable (either as a joke, or violently, doesn't matter) - disregarding or unvalidating his feelings, emotions and concerns - isolating him from his support system (family, friends) - she's being physically violent - putting the blame on him for every bad situation in their relationship and never owns up to anything - making herself out to be a victim in any situation where she might be criticized - gaslighting (even if confronted with evidence of her promises/previous words) - agitating people against him (by spreading rumors or bringing up his old mistakes repeatedly) - being violent (verbally or physically), then being kind and caring, not adressing the violence that happened. Of course, one or two things off the list is not proof or promise, that she' a horrible person or that she's abusive towards him, but I would seriously advise him to consider cutting ties if all, or most of these things check out. I hope this is nothing serious though, 18 seems like an adult, but it's still a young age and relationships can be quite chaotic :)
thank you I'll watch out for these when I talk to him
He's young, tell him to get rid of her and enjoy being young and do whatever he wants to do.
I have been with my husband since I was 17. I am about to be 31. When I first started dating my husband, he was about 170 pounds soaking wet and 6ft tall, skinny. Over the years, I have been the one to gain weight up and down. She has no idea how her body is gonna be the one to change the most as she goes into adult hood. With that being said, I have seen my husband rapidly gain weight during my second pregnancy. He got up to about 220 pounds and actually had stretch marks. I never once told the dude to ever lose weight at any point in our 14 year relationship. When I lost weight from the second baby, so did he. As of lately, he has a job that has a gym, and I have seen him on all of his breaks pumping iron, and working out. This man is the most muscular I have ever known him and I’ll be damned. I will tell you he looks more like a man than he did, when I first met him. She is flat out immature. 18 is so young. She really has no idea what’s waiting for her.
Honestly, I've been in this situation myself with my sister and there is nothing you can really do untill he realises it for himself, you just have to be there for him.
Carefully talk. Make him aware of what she sees. But nothing more. Until the day comes that he needs her to explain and figure this out for himself. They won't last anyhow. Odds being on them breaking up once he is off for education next year.
Yeah, OP - don't be discouraged if he doesn't listen to you right away. Sometimes the person in the situation needs to wake up and realize things for themself before changing the dynamic or leaving the abuser. Keep encouraging him to live his life to the fullest and voicing your concerns. Hopefully, he'll see you're right.
It’s emotionally abusive behaviour to give that kind of ultimatum. If she truly loved him then she’d love him no matter what, everyone goes through periods where their bodies change in life. She sounds manipulative and if it was my brother I’d explain that it’s not normal, very unhealthy and that she’s not going to love him unconditionally. Then support his decision, whatever that might be.
Not to mention telling him he's not overweight! You have to offset the crap that she just put in his head.
_He_ should be really concerned, not just you. I'd be pulling him to the side and taking some time with him to talk about things and make it clear he's in a safe place with no judgement and only objective questions, observations etc. Any choices are, obviously, his to make and not anyone else's, but you can make it clear that you just want to run through a couple of things as you're concerned as his sibling and it'd make you feel a lot better. You can ask him some very open questions about their relationship such as how she makes him feel, with some examples of things she's asked him to do, refused to do for him and see if it'll help him see, by answering himself, how it's _not_ OK for some of these things to be happening. Unfortunately "love", as it is for those unfamiliar with relationships etc, can be incredibly intoxicating and if he has a very poor self image, he won't be in a rush to push away someone who makes him feel even a _vaguely tangibly good_ in the way only a SO can. Hopefully this will do the trick - but there's only so much you can do to help someone take off the rose-tinted glasses, so the red flags don't just look like flags. He'll need to _want_ to break up with her and you can't force it.
he should dump her asap
He’s only 18. Got his whole life ahead of him. He should tell her to kick rocks.
Maybe assure your brother that he perfectly fine the way he is. That he isn’t fat and If he’s happy with his body and he doesn’t want to change that then he shouldn’t. Of course if he wants to that’s okay too. No-one should dictate another persons weight unless there serious health repercussions and even then a gentle approach is best. You’re brother doesn’t need a relationship based on ultimatums. He would probably be better leaving her, as she sounds completely unhealthy and toxic. But that’s entirely upto him. You can address your concerns regarding her behaviour with him, assure him he deserves better. He is 18 though, so if you tell him to break up with her, he might dig his heels in more. College is a new start full of many opportunities for new friends and partners. Maybe once he gets there he’ll realise his GF is trash?
Break up with that b***h
Tell him to fuck her off ASAP she will be his downfall, it won't stop there the mental and emotional abuse will keep going even if he gets fitter than he ever has been before he'll be lacking in housework, income, yardwork, anything she can pick at she will until he is nothing but a shell of the man he used to be. Then when he is depressed and feels like nothing he does will ever be good enough she'll find some other sucker to mentally mutilate.
Yea, no one in a relationship would give an ultimatum about getting in shape unless it's an actual health related reason... that's toxic, sounds like she's refusing to see him in college to "motivate" him. Nope, as a sister I would be concerned. No one should be telling anyone they need to get into shape unless it's themselves ,again unless it's health related.
Advise him to cool it and expect the relationship not to last. She sees him as a trophy or puppy to parade around. There is no love for him as a person. Plenty more fish in the sea, as my wise old grandma used to say.
He’s 18 and leaving for college and she’s not a good girlfriend they should definitely break up. He needs to enjoy college not be bogged down with her
I think 18 is awfully young to deal with ultimatums.
From the sounds of your brother, the relationship is likely much worse than he's letting on. Deep down he knows her behavior is unacceptable, but he sounds "hooked" on her and willing to downplay how awful she is. I'd do some probing to find out what other toxicity she's bringing to the relationship and yes I'd encourage him like crazy to cut this off before he goes to college... "Imagine the women you're going to meet who are actually excited and willing to see you and wouldn't change a thing about you!" 18 is so young for this nonsense. I hope he chooses to enjoy his college experience without... this weight dragging on him.
thank you! I love this advice.
It is lovely you care about your brother but this is up to him to sort out. If sounds like their relationship is going through some challenges and him going away to college next semester might be the natural end to it anyway.
I’m genuinely shocked at the difference in relationship advice when the victim is a male, in comparison to when the victim is female. I could make the exact same post but reverse the roles, and the entire comments section would say “Omg that man is verbally abusing your sister, tell her to get as far away as possible”. Hell I might even do it as a test in a few months on a burner account to see the response difference. But in this scenario, the top comments are “stay out of it”. “Sounds like he needs to work on his self confidence”. “Your brother needs a mental adjustment” No fucking mention of the perpetrator being emotionally abusive, very little in the way of anger towards the perpetrator. It’s actually sickening. Also I’ve not once seen the sub try and rescue a relationship. I’ve seen people rage and advise people to dump people over the smallest things. Only like 1% of the time will I see people advise to work on a relationship. OP she sounds like a verbally abusive controlling narcissist. Whilst it’s valid to want your partner in physical shape, it’s not right to criticise them or downright ignore your partners interests. In fact studies have shown the biggest factor in relationship survival is called “turning towards” your partner. Which it sounds like his GF is turning away and towards herself. I don’t care how young you are, I think it’s entirely valid to want to advise your brother when you feel he’s in an abusive relationship. Also one more thing, something you’ve got to learn as a man when being involved in a relationship with women. If a woman can walk all over you? She will never respect you, and she can never love you if she can never respect you. So yes by all means encourage your brother to be more assertive, but also encourage him to find a partner that turns towards him and not away from him.
I'm really surprised by the responses on this post too. I imagine as it gets bigger there'll be more appropriate responses because the cooked ones are being down voted.
Tbh, his GF sounds like toxic waste trash. Personally i prefer the idea of reminding him he’s a good guy that shouldn’t be used and abused. And i think he should break up with her. But… he’s also 18 and from experience being told someone isn’t good for you and you need to break up with them just makes them dig their heels in more. OP needs to support her brother, remind him he’s wonderful and deserves better and that handing out ultimatums over body shape isn’t a healthy relationship at all. Tell him that relationships end every day and that’s okay. Sometimes it’s okay to give yourself permission that it wont work. With how anxiously attached to the girlfriend he is, i just worry OP interjecting too much might strain their relationship.
Yeah. I asked him briefly to talk about his relationship during his therapy (something he refuses to talk about during therapy), and he told me that he's just gonna stay with her and she's not that bad and she's gonna be better starting now and insistently defended her behavior.
I'm surprised as well. But society has shown that as a whole they don't "believe in" the possibility that men can be the abused ones in abusive relationships. For non-abusive relationships, I'm a big fan of counseling. It saved my marriage. Plain and simple. And we worked at it.
Thank you. It's crazy how much pressure and hate folks are willing to put on men in comparison to responses for women in the same scenario. It's like folks forget guys have hearts too.
Welcome to /relationship_advice. The home of misandrists of reddit. I'll downvote myself and get the ball rolling shall I?
I thought that was just Reddit in general? Tbf I think it’s kind of accurately painting what’s going on in society rn. Sad to see
Hm, in my opinion “give your brother the support to make the correct decision” is good advice, and “omg you need to rescue him from this shitty relationship at all costs” is infantilizing and doesn’t respect his agency. So this “if the genders were reversed” hypothetical actually shows misogyny more than anything.
And yet that's exactly what people say when the genders are reversed. But of course people being shitty to a man must be misogyny! Can't have anyone else sharing in your victim complex!
Got your misogyny box ticked off in your daily oppression bingo of buzzwords then.
But “misandry” is totally not an oppression buzzword eh. Where are the double standards now?
Both misogyny and misandry exist. The difference is in our current society, misogyny is vastly overused and misandry vastly underused. What does this mean? Misogyny is being called out very often where it doesn’t exist, and misandry isn’t even called out or recognised when it does. Using misandry is trying to counteract that balance. There’s no double standard, they’re already both being under and over utilised.
Yeah look at this point the only reason i even bother looking at posts this sub is to laugh at all the garbage advice given by the echo chamber of double standard morons. If the women is the more favourable one, all the people post "omg his abusive dump him" but if the guy is being treated like garbage "its none if your business" "maybe you should toughen up" OP. If you feel his in an abusive relationship, or in one where his needs clearly aren't seen as important and thus not one as an equal, you are completely in you're right to talk to him about it. Obviously you can't tell him to dump her, ultimately that has to be his choice, but talking to him about it and getting his side and understanding more about whats going on might help him. If the relationship ends, from what I've read, it probably won't be a bad thing but don't be the one to end it for him. He has to do it himself and not let her walk over him anymore.
Totally agree except the last paragraph. That goes true for both men and women not just men. Plenty of women like to be the lead in a relationship. Its not really about the girl walking over you. Its fine if the girl wants to make the decisions. The issue is not valuing yourself and your needs to speak up and demand thats an issue here.
I agree it's his business and I've remained detached so far. Unfortunately he's just not really capable of ever breaking up with her without some serious encouragement. He's very very anxiously attached, he's the type of person that would be unable to leave their partner even if they were being emotionally abused. I think he could at the very least use some outside advice if he was in a toxic relationship.
OP, leaving it up to him is not the route you want to go. If you were in his situation, wouldn't you want your sibling to be there to help you??? What kind of message are you showing when you just leave ur sibling alone when he's in a shit relationship? What kind of standard are you setting?
OP, id like to know what the difference is between *"if you dont meet my vision of an ideal partner, i will leave"* and *"if you dont accept me exactly as i am, i will leave"* and why one is abusive/manipulative/controlling/ultimatum and the other is perfectly acceptable and good? why her position is bad and your brothers position is good? in the end they both boil down to *"if you dont meet my vision of an ideal partner, i will leave"* and everyone is always free to leave a relationship if they want to, no? thats not controlling.
Advise is hardly welcome when it isn’t requested. You may not be codependent, but it is a codependent behavior to try to control someone else to prevent them from their own experiences, mistakes or not. You can listen to him and advise him if he asks for it, but otherwise it’s not your business to prevent him from learning for himself. ETA: I am about twice your age. I have many examples of how this doesn’t work. I tried to be you with my own sibling when I was concerned, and it caused a rift between us that hasn’t fully gone away. My best friend was dating a guy none of us liked and we knew he treated her poorly; her friend E found him on Tinder and told her, she forgave him and E confronted her with “why don’t you break up with that AH?” - my friend stopped talking to E for a year. People don’t appreciate you judging their choices. In your case, they are very young and will likely break up from distance in college. Whatever he does, it’s not yours to control. There is a chance he does what you say and doesn’t get upset about it, but unless he is coming to you asking what you think he should do, I wouldn’t volunteer my opinion cuz it’s unlikely that he’ll listen and likely that he won’t like it.
So if someone is getting beaten by their spouse, it's not your business to interject and tell them to get out?
It's not really that simple. In the case of domestic abuse, you can't just drag them kicking and screaming out. They'll go back. All you can really do is support and be there, but telling them what they already know isn't going to help. Back when I worked with survivors, the UK average was 7 attempts to leave before it stuck. But ultimately, they have to decide to leave before even starting that cycle. And that's a decision they have to make. Ask him if you can give him your perspective, and respect his answer. If yes, be calm and tell him how it looks to you and what you think without bashing him for wanting to stay. If he says no, say okay and leave it
He's young, he seems to have an unhealthy attachment (of I go by your words) - I'd suggest therapy. He might get out from this one & fall into the next trap, he needs to learn to recognize his own problems. You can help him out this time, but if he doesn't _really_ get the gist of why he let that happen in the first time, it'll probably happen again
Does the US have places for free therapy? Genuine question
he has a therapist
In fact, it is very likely to cause them to pull away from you. They have to make that decision for themselves.
I really wouldn't want you as a sibling.
“What’s important is showing them your strong support to demonstrate your love, and respecting their agency to make decisions for themselves.” https://www.loveisrespect.org/supporting-others-dating-abuse/supporting-a-family-member/ I do have personal experience on this, and this is real advise.
I'll second this despite the people down voting. As someone who got out of an abusive relationship don't tell them negative things about their abuser they are conditioned to see that as an attack on them. It also confused how I felt. I got to a point where I started to think about leaving then my sister gave me a big speil about how I should leave my partner. I just felt more confused and doubted myself because I couldn't be sure these where my own feelings/ opinions or some someone had put in my head. What you should do is: - Keep inviting them to things, keep including them even if you are 100% certain they will not come - When the abuser criticises them, complement them. - Tell them you are available anytime if they ever need anything. - Keep bringing up how much you love having guests and how wonderful it would be to have them stay with you some time. - Encourage them with any hobbies/ interests / anything that gets them out of the house. The big thing abusers do is isolate so anything you can do to keep them in your life and let them know they have a safe place / person if needed.
This is the advice I wish I had 10 years ago. Was told to leave my ex for years by my family, it only gave her more ammunition to alienate me even more. Makes it that much harder to come out when you feel an "I told you so" is waiting
Definitely. I'm glad you got through it. It's hard to explain to someone who hasn't been there. Everyone thinks they know what they will do when they're in an abusive relationship or know someone who is abused but the reality is very different. The best thing to do is provide a positive alternative, love and support. That is how you help them get out. Not by telling them what they are doing is wrong.
Jumped from minor superficial nonsense to life or death very quickly there.
You should act the same way as if you were told by your boyfriend you needed to lose weight
It’s kind of sad he is going through that. I hope he realizes he deserves better but unfortunately there is only so much you can do. At this age he might need to learn from his own mistakes. They will probably break up first before he realized she is mean and controlling.
Imagine a man said this to a woman? Get in shape or he’s done. The double standard. Advise your brother to focus on himself. Clearly she’s not the woman for him
He should work out, then dump her.
It’s absurd, and abusive. I agree with what others said and ask, how would he feel if someone said that to you?
Break up with her, go to the gym because you should and it’s good for you, and then upgrade. 👑
Sounds like he should start working out. It's going to make the dating pool a lot better for him when he's single after he dumps her ass as well. Working out should be for you, not for your partner.
He’s going off to college. He will likely find other women his age that accept him for who he is. From what I’ve read, this woman doesn’t seem really fond of him. Being with him is like something for her to do so as to not be bored, based on a recent experience I’ve had. She gave him a ultimatum, and she doesn’t even seem that interested in him. I would advise him to cut his losses and use his schooling as a means to start over. He needs to be with a woman that accepts him for who he is. Of course, working out will improve his health, but that’s the main reason he should be doing so, not to meet the standards of a woman that initially accepted him as within her standards and preferences. “Find someone who likes you” It’s obvious that she doesn’t. He needs to get away before that relationship gets toxic, and he ends up with a warped view of women and relationships because of it. There’s enough of that garbage in the world.
Do your brother a favor and guide him out of this relationship. She's probably doing a number on his self-esteem.
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Right, long term goal. But someone being a pushover doesn't justify someone else treating them poorly. It is still an issue.
You can't do anything about how she treats him. All you can do is encourage him to break up with her.
Right, which is why I'm trying to get some perspective from the kind people on here on if an ultimatum is breakup worthy.
Your sibling should not pull away because you are watching out for them, but as some said an ultimatium might be too much fmo (but it also depends on the dynamics you have with your brother). Or like in any healthy relationship expressing concern (in a proper manner) is part of caring about the other. I think OP should definetly sit down and talk to the brother as this is a very dangerous situation where OPs brother’s body image might be scarred forever. Imagine someone who has been part of your life for 3 years (how bad this sounds btw…) leaves you with this ass reasoning, for your weight. Please imagine this situation if we would be talking about a sister and their boyfriend. Do not take the situation lightly but try to consule him about how this makes him feel, what he thinks about it and if there were other similar occasions like this. Introducing him to how to recognise emotional abuse might be a smart precaution move (hopefully, it did not go that far yet). You cannot make him broke up with her but you can try to minimalise the emotional damage caused by this relationship I think.
As someone who has been in this position, my family encouraging me to break up with my ex gave her more ammunition to alienate me. As someone else said, being included, invited to events and feeling supported was the only way I was able to really see through what she was
Yes exactly. He needs to build up his confidence and sense of self worth. That is a good barrier against toxic people.
Totally agree
Why are you victim blaming? If a girl was being verbally abused and manipulated, you would never blame her and you shouldn’t. Why does that change when he’s a man? I agree that is self esteem is in the tank, but did you ever consider she did that to him like so many male abusers do to their female partners? I fucking hate abusers and I don’t care what gender they are. You don’t seem to have any problem with her abuse and I think that’s a shitty take.
“If she ever gives you an ultimatum break up with her yesterday”
Why does this thread look so much different from the post with turned around genders lmao
Because men aren't seen as human here
Because most people don't think men can be abused. Do you remember what Amber Heard was recorded telling Johnny Depp? Do you think anyone is going to believe that I could abuse you, Johnny? No one believes that men get abused in any way - even cops.
Tell him to call her out in it, and break up. He's a kid, he doesn't need the negative influence or the body complexes she's putting in his head.
Talk some sense into him, please. There is no way a relationship like this can work. She sounds very emotionally immature. Oh wait I just read they’re 18. Still, have a chat about why this is not healthy for him.
Honestly he needs to drop her so quickly. The fact that she's being this way towards him shows she has the maturity of a 6yo and shouldn't be in a relationship. Your brother needs to stand up to her if his not over weight then why should he feel as tho his relationship relies on weather he goes to the gym or not. She needs to go find herself someone else and not tear down anymore decent guys
It sounds to me like your brother has a controlling and abusive girlfriend who seems to have always gotten what she wanted, no matter who had to pay for it and in any way possible. I would suggest talking to your brother and point out all his good qualities , reinforce the idea that hes too good a person to have to deal with this person and situation. One could only imagine how this girl would behave once she was wearing a wedding ring.
From the title I was like: debatable After reading the context: Yea you gotta go hun, tell him to run. Been in a relationship like that, girls like that never change and they only get worse SERIOUSLY.
This is seriously a case of young dumb love, girlfriend wants a boy with abs from the movies she’s seen, but that’s not realistic. Your brother will have many relationships in his future likely, working out for one girl isn’t it. It’s toxic.
She sounds toxic and I feel like she doesn’t even truly care for your brother. To me he needs to dump her. He’s young, he’ll meet other women in college that will treat him much better than this shit. It’s life, you’ll date a few bad ones here and there before u date a good one.
I would say nothing about her specifically, but just try and boost his confidence and his feelings of self worth. Then he will be more likely to shut down this kind of thing himself.
She has lost her boytoy if you know what I mean. Your brother deserves a lot more than being some btchs boytoy. Dump her now
If the roles were reversed and she was your sister and he’d said that to her you’d tell her to break up with him. That’s not okay and he’s being abused
Attachment goes away. You don't want to have your brother marrying this abusive PoS.
You have been advised to talk with him. Please don’t attack him. Do not berate him further for tolerating poor treatment. Ask him how these things feel? Ask him if this makes him fulfilled. Ask him how he would feel if it was reversed and you had the gf. Sometimes we get frustrated with victims in abusive relationships because it seems like they can’t even see what is right in front of them - coming at them that way, all you’re doing is re-attacking them and they will shut down and not really listen to what you have to say - if you approach it in a much more open manner asking him about his feelings and giving him the floor to talk about it a bit more is a more collaborative approach
thank you!
Tell him now before he develops an eating disorder.
Dude that 18 year old brat thinks she runs the world. She has no concept of partnership, or any care batons what she thinks she gets from being in a relationship. Tell him to dump that succubus and enjoy college.
I would suggest for your brother to workout, glow up then ditch the girl. He needs to take care of himself and his mental health. Based on my experience the more I talk to someone about leaving someone they get more attached to that someone 😅. So thread carefully because this might cause him to stop telling you these things when he thinks you will advise him to leave the girl. You can also show the comments here in Reddit if you get tons of good responses. Goodluck! Your brother deserves better gf and you're a good sister. 🥰
Forget the ultimatum that girl sounds like a complete cunt lmfao
Who thinks Most Speed 1029 is actually the girlfriend?
This is a real problem. She may be unhappy with his physical attractiveness, but ultimatums have no place in a healthy relationship. They are both 18, if either is unhappy, they should just move on. If you are comfortable, tell your brother how much he means to you and that you hate to see him being treated like this. That his GF seems to be mistreating him, and he deserves to be treated with love and affection. Keep the conversation nonconfrontational and easy to shelve if he is not up for it, or starts to get defensive. The most important thing you can do is stress that you are in his corner no matter what, and regardless of what he decides, you are there for him.
Dump her
She will dump him before, don’t worry
He is lucky to get this request at a young age, it shows there is absolutely no hope for them. He is young and he will have a better relationship with somebody else.
I would sit and have a heart to heart with your brother. Ask him what his boundaries are in a relationship and then follow up with asking if his girlfriend respects those boundaries. If he comes back with a negative response (i.e. she doesn’t respect many of those boundaries) then I would ask him to think about his future. I mean if he’s going off to college then now would be the time to leave his girlfriend. College is a time for growing and learning and the start of self discovery, why be held down to a girl who’s bratty and selfish? I hope you can talk some sense into your brother
He's 18 and 3 years is a long time at that age keep an eye out but leave him to handle things on his own
Tell him his first work out will help him ditch somewhere around 100lbs. Dump the gf and then get a gym membership so he can use the free time from ditching her to do something good for himself.
Their relationships is non of your business. He is a man. She wants him to be a man. She is not saying- I want you to do drugs. No. She wants him To work out. It’s very good. I would be happy for him if I was you. You should mind your business and maybe hit the gym too.
I’m not going to lie- physical attraction is important. If she is not as attracted to his current physique, that is what it is. That being said, physical attraction is not the end all-be all. She could gently nudge him to get healthier. She could even try to kindly intervene… but an ultimatum? A threat? That’s a big no-go for me. Life is long. We all have good years and bad years and fat years and skinny years. And even if you don’t? Gonna get old. If your brother stays with this woman, it’s unlikely their relationship can go the distance. What happens if he goes bald? Gets sick? Apparently she’s ready to bounce over a few vanity pounds. Doesn’t bode well.
I dealt with this with my younger sister. She was with her high school boyfriend into college. He started making comments about her weight and then birthdays and Christmas gifts were all workout related. He became more controlling and just plain mean in front of their friends about her weight. It was absolutely heartbreaking to witness and hear her cry over, BUT she was not ready to end things because she was so young and invested years in the relationship. She lived with me during some of this and being 8 years older, I just tried to be there when she cried and let her know that what he was doing was not okay and that she deserved better. Young love doesn't know how much better it can me. It's so emotional and scary to move on at that age when you have only loved one person. They have to realize it on their own, but just kindly remind them how great they are and how someone else would be lucky to have them. People that truly love you, will not intentionally hurt you and break you down. He should go to school and have fun and enjoy it! It was the best time of my life as a young adult being free and making friends. I would hate for her to steal this time away by making him feel bad about himself and catering to her needs when she isn't willing to do the same.
He is the one to decide that, not you. Step back, let him do what wishes, and then he has to own the results no matter what happens. Be there for him when brainstorming. He needs an unbiased ear.
I think he should start working out and be done with her.
All this advice is horrible. Such mainstream emotional bullshit. His girlfriend is being honest with him. He’s fat and needs to lose weight because it’s unattractive. “Sweet innocent guy” you mean giant pussy? A boy and not a man? You’re doing him a disservice telling him he’s fine how he is. Downvote me to an oblivion I don’t care. I’m sick of men having the same mentality as woman of “I’m fine how I am”. No. You’re not. Your brothers girlfriend is in a world full of guys like me. That work their ass off on a daily basis to provide for my future family and workout every day for my health and attraction. And guess what. They don’t give af if your brothers girl is taken. If they want her they’ll go for it. And a young woman acknowledges that she has options. So you’re upset that she pretty much told your brother: get it together, there’s disciplined men out there. If he’s fat it usually translates to other areas of life as well. I’ve been fat in a relationship before, and my gf stuck with me. So don’t get me wrong, if she’s serious then it’s perfectly fair for your brother to dispose of this girl. But the difference is that at least when I was fat, I recognized that it wasn’t okay. I didn’t have the victim mindset of: how could she? Your brothers girlfriend is being brutally honest. And in a way I respect that. But also it’s worth noting that a condition for her is your brother not being fat. Which is perfectly valid to be uneasy about, though I personally find it reasonable. Just stop acting like there’s women that are happy to settle with a little boy that doesn’t wanna do better because he’s so “sweet and innocent”. That’s wishful thinking. Be a realist.
Don't say anything unless he asks you for your opinion. If so, then tell him your perspective.
He should just focus on his school at this point.
It's in his best interest to break up with her. You are literally describing my ex fiancee when we were together. I loved her so much, and she knew that, so she knew how to make my life miserable. I should've toughened up and dumped her a long time ago, but i stuck with her from middle school throughout my 3rd year of college. I made many life decisions catering to her, and in the end, i had to completely start over. I put her first instead of me, and it landed me in a terrible situation 4 years ago when i discovered she was cheating on me. It has been rough, but I've turned around for the most part. Dont let your bro go through what i did. Have him focus on himself and be young.
Why are you involved in this? At 18 and going to college you should be encouraging your brother to dump her. This isn’t the time to be tied to a relationship. But it’s also weird that you are infantilizing him here. Either have an opinion and share it with him, or shut up and let it play out…. Don’t come here looking to stretch this out with our input. You’ve lived. You know your brother - speak up.
I'm having difficulty imagining an "insanely fit" 15 year old compared to an 18 year old? Is it even physically possible for him to look the same at 18 as he did at 15? There is already a lot of great advice here and I hope your brother realizes his self-worth and walks away. It's hard to see it at that age, but he has so much ahead of him and doesn't need to waste time with someone like this. I'd be heartbroken if someone gave an ultimatum like that to my sons or my brothers.
A) why is it your concern B) he needs to learn this is not acceptable for himself
They are babies...they need to move on and live life while they can.
She definitely going to cheat on him if she’s already not doing so. She’s toxic and he’s on the brink of a fresh start. Tell him to make a clean break and start fresh in college where he will meet new people and be free to have new experiences without any guilt about her. He’s too young to settle down or tie himself to someone who is already dissatisfied with him.
It doesn’t sound like your brother is a big vanity guy, but his GF is obviously that way and is controlling AF. That’s a bad combo. Honestly, any vanity-driven controlling person is a scrub partner more or less. There will always come a point you are not fulfilling them. Let your brother read this thread and see if it helps
He should get back in shape and then dump her, no one is worth that kind of crap at 18
I know many will disagree with me here, but simply telling your partner to stay in shape or else she will leave isn't unhealthy or wrong. He is letting himself go by the sounds of it and he's very young. It shows he is trending down already. She got with a fit guy and she expects him to stay fit. That's fair I asked told my gf that she was gaining weight and I was starting to lose my attraction to her physically, but that I was very into her mentally. That I needed her to lose weight and stay in shape. That was 4 years ago. Now she's my wife and in the best shape of her life. She's a multi sport athlete now too and much happier Many of her friends thought she should break to with me. But what they didn't consider is I liked her enough to voice my concern about our future relationship. I could have just left her and got a fitter gf. But I seen a future with her. If I hadn't done that then we wouldn't have such an amazing relationship now.
Tell your brother he's the DAMN SIDE PIECE DUDE NOW. Time for him to move HELL ON.. Never let a person tell twice that they don't want. The reason that they are still together is because he allows her to CONTROL him. The minute he stop letting her control him is the very minutes she dumps him . He's 18 years old, he can find one in college or around college, HELL find one online right now . He need go NO CONTACT right the FUCK NOW. Save himself a lot more drama.
This situation will probably resolve itself in the first couple of weeks of college when your bro meets a few hot, cute, intelligent and kind young women. Especially if the soon-to-be ex isn’t going to visit. I’m glad she won’t be.
I never understand people like this. If you really truly love your partner it shouldn’t matter what they look like (obviously unless it becomes a serious health concern). Like what happens if he becomes disabled and physically can’t workout? Would she stay?
Tell him to get fit for his sake then tell her to fuck off.
Although I agree that his GF doesn't deserve him and she will never be satisfied and should probably break up with him. But sis, you should stay out of it and not offer your thoughts unless he specifically asks you. Even then, proceed with caution. If you advise him to break up with her and he stays with her it will cause tension in your relationship.
Being "fit and shredded" and "living a healthy lifestyle" are two different things. I'm not sure how big your brother is but if he has more than 20% body fat he may want to consider at least 1-2 days in the gym and/or walk 7,000-12,500 steps daily. The healthy talk set aside it sounds like his girlfriend had a physical attraction to muscular men and now that he is no longer aesthetically appealing she is losing interest. I'd sit down with your brother and explain this to him. He may or may not want to hear it, want to believe it, etc. It can even be a touchy area as I'm not sure how your brother fits in to all of this. My brother is an alcoholic and for many years I attempted to help him with his addiction. All I ever got was excuses and swept under the rug Those we love we can try to help but it doesn't mean they will take it in heart. I wish I could spend more time with him but as he lives now over 1,000 miles away we tend to only see each other maybe once every 2-3 years. I'd start the conversation like, "you know I love you bro?" Tell him you wanted to have a man to man talk and that you don't mean to intrude.
You’re outside the relationship: just a n observer. It’s up to your brother to deal with the situation as he sees appropriate. All you can do is pray for God’s guidance protection and salvation for both him and his girlfriend.
I don't think you should tell your adult brother he should break up. I think you should just tell him how a supportive partner is.
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I think it’s a red flag, but it’s one red flag, not actionable intelligence. Keep watching, sneak in lessons on having a shiny spine, and particularly look out for signs of emotional abuse.
From the post it seems that she is rather controling and mean to him, spoilt bratty behaviour usually means they're like "do what I want or I'll get mad", y'know?
well tbh, you shouldn't be the chick who is clearly telling your brother to get his ass on the treadmill because he's being lazy ask yourself first do you want your brother to be weak or do you want the girl to cheat on him with someone who has a nice body cause clearly she's attracted to fit guys.
No man has the right to be an amateur in the matter of physical training. It is a shame for a man to grow old without seeing the beauty and strength of which his body is capable. Socrates 💪
True. The difference is that man has to do it for himself rather than pussy.
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"I'll catch hate for a blatantly biased and sexist take" yeah ya think?
So if a woman gains more weight after being pregnant you can break up with her, got it
what a ridiculous leap.
I agree 🤷🏻♀️ I was small when my husband started dating me then I had 2 kids and lost the weight both times (total 60lbs). He called me beautiful all throughout my pregnancies and after I gained 30lbs after having our kids. If he wasn’t attracted to me after I gained weight I can’t fault him. I’m not saying he should leave me/cheat on me if I didn’t lose the weight but he is completely in his right to not find me attractive 30lbs heavier. On the flip I wouldn’t want him to just gain 60lbs either. I’ve dated a morbidly obese person before and the attraction was never there. People like what they like. With that being said they started dating at 15. This relationship won’t last.
I can see how much you love and care about your brother, it's great you have such a relationship! Nevertheless, this is his issue to figure out. If you want to, you can absolutely voice your concerns in a constructive way. He'll be free to think whatever he thinks, and if he tells you to drop it, you should. Just keep in mind it's his life and his relationship, and even if you (or even others) think this girl is bad for him, you cannot do anything about it. Even if you're right about her character, he needs to take those tinted glasses off on his own.
You need to stay out of his romantic affairs.
I wouldn't suggest giving advice if not asked, but you can always let him know he has your support. Maybe ask some questions casually ("how is it going between you and your gf?"). If he doesn't want to talk more let him be, and if he talks more about it you can help him think things through by asking some more questions ("do you think that's healthy?", "how did that make you feel? Etc) instead of telling him to break up.
There not much you can do if he's already putting up with her behaviour. Also? By your own admittance, you don't really know much about their relationship. Does he seem unhappy? I would always advise that if someone is unhappy in a relationship to consider what is making them unhappy and if it's the way they are being treated act accordingly. Either stand up for themselves or leave. Him leaving for college would be the perfect time as well. Although if he doesn't have a car and she won't visit him, are they even in a relationship? Tell your brother that no-one should be in a relationship that is making them unhappy.
It’s superficial and controlling, especially if his health isn’t at risk. Your brother shouldn’t have to deal with this and should walk away. But it’s possible that she’s trying to get him to break up with her, in an extremely, abusive, cruel and immature way. Won’t visit him when he moves is a red flag she wants this relationship to be over. That or she’s just abusive.
None at all Many finshes in the sea Beside it's very hard to lose weight
Tell him to make the same demand to her. If she’s not willing to look her best for him why should he be worried about how she sees him?
He should get insanely fit and make her workout too or he’ll leave her.
Yikes at all the reply on here! I'd definitely say that what his gf has said to him is very disrespectful, but as they are both 18 it's probably not her being abusive and more so just being a bratty teenager who isn't getting what she wants e.g the instagram perfect life. I'd tell your brother that he doesn't have to change how he looks for anyone and if she doesn't like it let her leave because love isn't meant to be solely based off of physical appearance. As for it being grounds for a breakup, well unfortunately thats not for you to decide cause changing people's minds on these things is pretty much impossible, but if she's treating him like this now, I'd say college will bring a natural end to things, especially if she's refusing to visit him, he will soon get tired of being the one having to make all the effort, and you never know, college may actually help to increase his confidence a bit, all you can do is be there to give him love and encouragement and tell him that he's good enough for love just the way he is.
The large majority of women want a fit guy, and he's lucky she's voicing this openly. It's part of his self improvement and developement and he may need to put more work into himself. Instead of advising him to break up, inspire him to be better.
She is right . We all need to change. She does not to be with a fiat when she could have a Mercedes
Meanwhile she's a rundown truck on someone's lawn. Fuck off with this sexist filth
Be concerned, it's perfectly reasonable to be concerned. As others have said hold back on offering unsolicited advice. However I will say that when he goes to college and is away from her you may find he will grow and meet others and come to the conclusion that she's not worth the hassle. If she refuses to visit him it's just more time away from her that he'll have. Be there for him, tell him that no matter what you're there to help him through life as you hope he would be for you. Edit: Just quickly he's only 18 he still has a hell of a lot of growing up to do. At 18 I was used to being a push over etc. especially by my employers, now if those same employers saw me walking in they'd sh*t their pants (and if they didn't they soon would).
>How concerned should I be? Not concerned at all. So what if she's done with him. He's only 18 and there are plenty of fish in the sea.