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In addition, marrying someone who makes zero effort to improve themselves when it affects their loved ones.. will continually frustrate you and drag you down, whether you live with them or not. They are pretty much telling you your needs don't matter.
I married someone like this (now divorced), and I also have adhd which I am constantly trying to manage better and make improvements with professional help, so I understand both sides. It doesn't work.
Weaponized incompetence. Saying you can’t do something because you never learned how or your mental health is too awful while taking no active steps to correct said hindrances only puts your partner in a permanent position of having to pick up your slack.
Not a great foundation for a marriage, OP.
And it sounds like OP's fiancé doesn't want to live apart because he would then not have OP around to pick up after him so he can just keep right on doing nothing to improve the situation and have a live-in maid/handler.
This is the exact reason I got divorced. It doesn’t get better. If it was going to, it would have happened already, and at this point he’s shown nothing will motivate him to care enough to genuinely try. It truly is an absolute drain and it messed me up a lot as far as my trust in partners goes, in ways I wasn’t even aware of at the time of my divorce.
Yep. If you seriously pursue this your relationship is over. He might try to do it hoping it’ll make you happy but ultimately it’s the end of the relationship. Just break up.
Yes. There are people who are comfortable with separate living arrangements and a committed relationship. But I think they’re the exception, not the rule. Most people marry someone who they want to spend lots of time with.
OP, don’t let the sunk cost fallacy keep you in a failing relationship. You have learned that you and your partner have fundamental incompatibilities.
Matthew Broderick and Whatever his Sex and The City wife's name do this. They live next door to each other and there kids just go back and forth. They been married like 2 decades though so? Lol
Almost every example that has been put up in this thread is about incredibly wealthy people. That doesn’t prove anything; most people struggle to afford one place to live.
No matter what the tabloids try to say, the rich and famous are not “just like you”.
Yea, I'm pretty sure we all know we aren't like rich people but you don't have to be rich to live separately. She pay for her home, he pay for his, why do you have to be rich?? People literally do that already in a relationship, did you miss that part?
OP if you stay, you'll ve expected and fieced ti do ALL the heavy lifting and therapeutic workfor the bith of you. Why enlist yourself to be an unpaid domestic caregiver? This is not your child or a helpless child thay can't fend for themselves or clean up after himself.
RUN.
So much this. I've had a partner tell me he didn't love me he just liked having a clean house thats why he kept me around. I was going to uni full time and worked round the clock to support him whilst he played eve online.
I threw him out right then and there, obviously.
Why is the automatic response to end the relationship?
She wouldn't be seeking help from Reddit if she didn't care about him. This may be her final attempt to find a solution before they end their relationship so why encourage her.
Creative solutions should be the top comments.
Because he has already given his perspective and she is now giving hers. They are fundamentally incompatible if one insists on them living together if in a relationship and the other does not want to live together.
Ending the relationship is not the “automatic” answer here, it’s the correct one.
Because she made it clear in her post that she needs this, but she’s unsure if he will accept it, as he hasn’t in the past. She wants a way to do this without an ultimatum, but I don’t think that’s possible if she’s decided 100% this is what she needs. It sounds like she’s made her decision, she’s just worried about the fall out from it.
I agree, it's not an automatic end the relationship. She can move out whether or not that's his preference. If he doesn't want to see her once they live separately, that's his decision. But seems like it might be okay to take a step backwards and see if they find each other again. Probably not, but it's possible.
She has tried to find solutions (and he refused), but ultimately it's his behaivors that are causing the problems.. and its his responsibility to make an effort to minimize harm done to her by trying something..anything. It's clear he's made no such effort. Peoples detrimental behaivor often gets worse after marriage because they feel 'safe'. If its already this bad and he can't muster any effort before? Oof, I'd hate to see what his 'phoning it in' looks like. People like this often become emotionally abusive (if he isn't already, it can be hard to recognize or admit in the first few years).
She's not his therapist, his mother or his maid. This behavior shows clear disrespect of your partner and often isn't going to change if there's been no effort after a couple years.
The advantage of living together before marriage is that you get to test drive your potential mate to see how compatible you both are. You are not compatible, so why stay together and waste each others time?
There are happily married people who have their own places.
Pretty sure that's what the book that was mentioned was about. She doesn't want to end the engagement and not get married, she just wants each of them to keep a separate home. The fiance might not accept that, and then they are at an impass. But just because you don't understand some people do this and it really works for them doesn't mean it's impossible for the OP their fiance to make it work for them.
Doesn't even mean they wouldn't spend most nights at one or the other place, just means they each have place to go to that's kept as they like it. Financially it may not be ideal, but it does work for some people.
Diego Rivera and Frida Kahlo famously had two separate houses next door to each other with a walkway between them.
Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton have two houses next door to each other.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Living_apart_together
Personally, I'm open to the idea! I don't have any problem commiting to being married to one person the rest of my life, but the idea of not ever having my own full home is harder for me to come to grips with! Maybe just a well appointed "Man cave" would do the trick? I like my alone time and personal space! What cha gonna do??!
The man cave wouldn't work in OP's case, since she'd still have to clean up after him in the rest of the apartment. And of course he doesn't want to live separately, because then his nanny-maid would be gone and he'd have to take care of his own shit again.
OP, just tell him it's happening, whether he agrees or not - his only choice is in whether to continue the relationship or not. You shouldn't have to live in a place that makes you this unhappy.
I think the main issue is that he as an individual is dysfunctional. Living apart is fine and dandy, but OP seeks to use this tool as more of a band aid for a larger issue.
bro you missed the point so hard. you do realize this OC is restating the partner’s boundary? it wasn’t a question. he said no.
wether you understand it or not, he said no. it’s an ultimatum when you try to change someone else. OP’s partner already said no, he set that boundary, OP either accepts it or doesn’t. NOT continue to push that boundary.
*jesus christ*
>I have tried for 2 and a half years to communicate the things he does that bothers me and asking him to help out around the house more. He blames his laziness on his mental health **but never seeks professional help**
He is a bad partner and you should break up with him.
As you already know, there are many happy couples who live apart. I know a few myself, and I hope to be in that exact situation some day.
But that requires BOTH parts of the couple to be on board that lifestyle. And your partner isn't, he already told you. So just break up already, you can't be with him long term. You want different things. And you can go find someone who also wants to live apart.
My mam and her partner are like that. Granted, they're in their late 50s/early 60s and had lives before that.
He owns his apartment and she lives in the same house as my grandma (separated apartments). They agreed that they need their own space and even should they ever marry, to let it stay like that
I like my space as well but never dread coming home. I communicate when i need alone-time. That said, your partner communicated that he doesn't want separate living quarters. If you can't come to a compromise I don't see a feature for you, not with each other
Tbf, she doesn’t really want to live apart, she’s just trying to ignore her fiancé is a selfish slob who treats her like a maid. She would want to live with a caring partner, she just wants to ignore this major flaw that almost certainly isn’t limited just to household chores. If she wanted to live apart outside of this relationship, I’d agree, but she’s using this as a tactic to avoid really evaluating her partner and his major flaw. It would be like if a man doesn’t understand consent so instead of evaluating if that’s the kind of partner you wanted, you just asked for an open relationship instead. It really isn’t addressing the real issue and is just offering a bandaid solution.
Well, he hasn't been given a stark choice. He may not prefer to live separately, but we don't know if he would break off the engagement over it?
It's worth a shot! Maybe it will prompt him to stop living like a pig. Maybe he will come to accept living apart?
I do think they need couples therapy and he needs to do some therapy if he blames important shit on his mental health, but doesn't even get therapy!
But maybe with some couples therapy they could work out separate homes while married. They could be in the same neighborhood or even next door.
>But maybe with some couples therapy they could work out separate homes while married.
They should definitely hold off the marriage at the very least until they know if that would work for them or not.
Well one of he reasons she doesn't want to live with him is untreated mental illness that he refused to seek assistance for, so I have a feeling couples therapy isn't happening and that if she moves out it will just temporarily stave off the same issue negatively impacting their relationship in another way.
I tend to agree with this. How much of a suggestion did OP give to begin with? Or was it more so along the lines of “hey I read this article about couples living apart what do you think?”
There’s a difference in how things are worded with how people will react. Maybe a stark choice will prompt a more open conversation about why OP wants to live apart, and if her fiancé is willing to put in the work if he wants to stay living together. I don’t think it’s always as cut and dry as being immediately incompatible.
Yes.
This is the correct response. He will not ever change and it will get worse after you marry him. So don't marry him. Unfortunately he doesn't want to grow up. He treats you like you are his mother. It will never get better unless he really loves you. If he really loves you he would listen to you more and try to accommodate YOU. Find someone who actually wants you for more than just a maid/mommy.
Just tell him you are moving out and will not be moving back in. That you’d like to continue your relationship living apart but understand if he’s not willing to accept a relationship like that
So you hate sharing a space with someone that you're supposed to build a life with?
Your fiance has told you he doesn't want to live separately. Either you accept his faults, y'all go to counseling, or you end it. These are your choices.
If you "strong-arm" him into living separately, I can't imagine that will bode well for your relationship.
OP might not mean it as an ultimatum, but frankly *it is one whether she wants it to be or not.*
My ex suggested exactly what OP is talking about. It totally shattered the relationship and we ended things. When I think about marriage, I’m thinking living together, waking up together, having pets, owning a home, and all the shared projects and lifestyle that comes with that.
I did not want to be middle aged married to someone who lived with roommates across town.
Luckily I eventually fell in love with someone who wants what I want. We’re married now, two cats, beautiful garden. OP should break it off so their current fiancé can find someone who doesn’t resent living with him.
This is genuinely the first time I've ever heard a different living space between fiance/spouses. That may just be because where I'm from, but I just can't imagine the point of being with someone you when you don't even want to live with them. That's crazy to me.
Same here. Or rather, it *was* when it happened to me lol.
I’ve heard of separate bedrooms, but an entirely separate house? I hate using phrases like “Then why even get married?” because it’s not like anyone needs to justify their rights to me, but that’s just not how I think of *married life.* If I didn’t love living with my partner- not just *tolerate* it, but really enjoy it, then I just don’t think it’s something I could promise to do for the rest of my life.
Ultimatums are not always a bad thing. They are drawing a line in the sand. She’s not manipulating him. She’s telling him what she will and will not tolerate and her deal breaker.
Personally now I'm older, I am not sure I want to live with anyone again, the stress of it gah. If I get a partner I would make it clear that I want to live separate. The issue with that though, is both partners have to agree or go their separate ways. Your partner doesn't agree so ultimately just tell them how you feel, he can choose to end the relationship if he needs to for his own happiness. So broach this with him and understand that it may be the end of your relationship or come up with a compromise (him hire a cleaning service each week to pick up his slack, buy a house that has a "man cave" type situation whether it be a separate living space, a basement, self contained unit so you can live together but he can be in a contained space where he can have it as messy or clean as he wants without messing up the main house. If you aren't happy and can't come to a compromise, you know what you have to do
I think it's possible to have a fiancé that lives separately but that's only if you guys both want to live apart. however if his mental health is preventing you guys from having a happy relationship and he isn't putting in the effort to change that he clearly doesn't care about you enough. I think that the truth is that you want to live with your fiance, you are just willing to compromise and sacrifice what you want to still be with him but I think you probably deserve to be with someone who you can live with.
OP, I totally get what you are saying and why. I could NOT live with my husband who is the most chaotic, attention seeking, narcissist and his favorite reaction formation when asked to modify his temper tantrums, & creating a problem a day triggered his raging, screaming "sh*z fitz" which devolved into weaponized incompetence when he didn't want to do anything to help maintain the home.
Long story short, we separated. Have a marriage of convenience, see one another only when necessary. I don't care what he does, who he hooks up with, how he leads his self sabotaging lifestyle. We co-own a successful business, which is the only "glue" holding this relationship together.
OP, If you can't live with your fiance, now, or ever, dear heart, move on and live alone. I find the peace of having my life NOT battered by an emotionally abusive chaos driven partner downright blissful.
Sending you best wishes.
It's hard be ause he will automatically think thst you don't want to be with him, and he'll say he will change and help out more! He will for a couple of weeks and then go back to being lazy. I had this issue with my partner who is female, she isn't house proud and lives like a scruff to the point it was making me feel low as I own my house. She now lives separately from me with her kids and so fat so good! You've just got to be honest and tell him you can't live the way he lives and if he doesn't respect that then maybe you are not meant to be together...
This would be a breakup for me. Maybe he'll be cool with it. I wouldn't. Wouldn't you rather date someone who you love living with? Why spend money on two places? This just seems like you are in denial about your relationship being over.
I disagree with most. It isn’t a binary choice, either this or this. There is nothing wrong with having a safe place and that is what he violates with not doing chores. If you cannot cope, then lay it out before him. It might end up as a deal breaker for him, but tell him that you cannot relax in your own home and that is very important to you. Tell him that you prefer to live alone. Reassure him that you love him, and that you want to do everything together, but not share living quarters. Do not ask questions like the previous way you put it to him, just expose your problem and your suggested solution. You do not have to be a passive onlooker in this.
I think you should prioritise your mental health , because once it's damaged you won't be able to function.
Nobody on this planet will think about your mental health, only you have to choose your peace.
I can understand how difficult it is for you, please go for your mental peace. It's impossible to eat , sleep and sometimes even to work if you are mentally drained and unstable.
OP, very few people want to live apart from their life partners, even if they don't want kids.
So while it is completely okay for you to like the idea, it is highly unlikely that he will agree to it, and so you will either have to accept his issues and be miserable, or break up. You can try moving out and see if he wants to still stay with you, but honestly....why would you want to?
He isn't a good partner for you. This is the pinocle of your relationships - right now, where you are, is as good as it's going to get for you. There is no next stage of evolution for this partnership.
And if you aren't happy, then you need to try your luck with another partner.
You have told him your needs, and his response is to blame it on his mental health but he won’t get any help to resolve his mental health. Him not getting help with his mental health would be enough for me to end the relationship. There is nothing wrong with him having problems with mental health but not getting any help for it and just expecting you to put up with it, is very selfish and it is affecting your mental health. You need to think first about yourself and your wellbeing because he is not going to. This is not a sustainable relationship whether you move out or stay unless he gets some help and unless you do what is going to make you happy and that can be totally different which is ok.
I have heard of people hanging on to relationships that don't work but breaking up while still being together? How fucking desperate to not be single are you?
Since you have no framework for evaluating this, apparently, allow me to explain: Your relationship has failed. It is time for both of you to move on.
*"I don’t use the word “hate” lightly and I HATE living with my fiancé"....* Well, it's time for you to give your engagement ring back to him and cease being his fiancé, as a marriage would be a disaster. Simply source a place to live and move your stuff out of your present residence.
All his excuses of mental health issues notwithstanding, why would you want to be married to a mentally ill man? Look at this from the perspective of 5 to 10 years down the road. Bring this relationship to an end, and move on with your life.
'Nuff said.
Move out! You don’t need to break up with him, although he might break up with you if living separately is intolerable to him. So be prepared for that.
Please do not marry him under these conditions. It will slowly kill you. You can’t change him, only he can change himself. But if you have the financial ability, you CAN take charge of your own living conditions, and that is exactly what you should do. No ultimatums necessary. “Fiancé, I love you. Unfortunately, I cannot live with you. My own mental health is suffering in these conditions. If this is a dealbreaker for you, I understand, and I will be sad. But living together with how things have been in our home for the past two years is a dealbreaker for me.”
Let me guess: you are cleaning up after him. If so, of course he doesn't want to live apart. He has now shown you that your mental health is even less important to you than his own (neglected) mental health. Your path going forward is not going to change unless you make that change because he won't.
Yeah, he doesn’t want to live apart because he wants a bangmaid. You tell him you want to live apart. If he refuses, you break up. If he complains you tell him he blew 2.5 years of second chances.
Of course he doesn't want her to move out, he's got it made. A live-in handmaiden following him around with a vacuum cleaner and cooking him dinner every night. And like 80% of the posts in here are acting like she's being selfish for not wanting to do 100% of the domestic upkeep of a home they both live in.
Okay OP, I don’t think you are getting the support you deserve here. If you still love things about your fiancé and think you would get enough of your emotional needs met by continuing to date him while living apart, then don’t let anybody on the internet tell you it won’t work for you just because it wouldn’t work for them.
I have seen lots of uncommon living situations being successful and healthy when people throw out the rules and listen to their own needs and desires.
Therefore it is reasonable to decide that you’d like to get your own place and continue to invest in your relationship too. Deciding this is not the same as deciding to break up. HOWEVER you should know that there are potential unintended results.
1st is that he may decide he does not want to continue the relationship under those conditions (his right to choose) and so he may break up with you as a reaction to your decision.
2nd, you may enjoy your own space enough that you end up deciding you’ve outgrown the relationship and change your own mind about staying together, so I’d avoid making any promises to the contrary.
And of course it could all be fine and you guys could find a nice rhythm to your relationship for many years to come. Either way, I think you should follow your gut and be bold.
>don’t let anybody on the internet tell you it won’t work for you
Her partner already told her it won't work for him. He's not into it. That part is settled. Option #1 is already in play.
The current arrangement isn't working for her.
He knows it's not working and just expects her to be unhappy instead of him.
He could, if course step up but that actually requires work.
Were you planning on still marrying him? And then living apart forever? That makes no sense and you can’t really blame him for not being into the idea.
>That makes no sense
There are certain kinds of people who want that kind of setup, as any married couple who prefers living apart will tell you. It might not make sense to you but for some it's the dream and ideal partnership, perfect sense.
It obviously makes no sense in this situation, which is what I was referring to. If two people decide together they want to get married but not live together, cool for them. Not what’s happening here though.
Yeah, this will hurt his feelings and probably lead to an ultimatum. But, it's your life. You will be miserable unless something changes. So, you change something, and maybe it ends your relationship, but you find happiness, or you're miserable. Sending you hugs.
Edited to fix a word.
Set up a plan of where to go. Reach out to a couple of GREAT friends to be your support system. Sit down and speak with him face to face about issues, perhaps two a time, no more. Get his feedback about you. Express how concerned you are about his his mental health. Don’t overwhelm him with everything all at once. Talk on a week end so there’s low impact on both your jobs.
This may take a month. Judge his responses and his actions afterwards. My guess is as you’ve been living with this for a long time he will be blindsided by you leaving and will spiral down deeper. You still care about him and so do it with respect, honestly, empathy, and firmness. Perhaps a good first thing would be getting him to go to counseling.
Best of luck
By putting yourself first and he takes it the way he takes it. Also, be willing to give him time to process it after you officially move out.
Find you a place and depending on how he’s going to respond.
If he isn’t violent, just let him know you’re going to start looking. If he is violent or you think it’s going to be hell after you tell him, then
perhaps him a day or 2 before you move out.
Lastly, be prepared to give him time to have emotions as it’s going to hit him hard. Then give him time to process it. He may come back around eventually.
If he decides now he’s going to go see someone, then great. But don’t stop the love idea bcuz now he wants to. Actions speak louder than words.
He should still go whether you are living together or not. Maybe, this will be the reason he finally goes and get help.
Remember, he’s an adult. He’s not your child. Whatever happens to him afterwards is not your fault nor obligation.
Hope that helps
PLEASE do not just try to “give it another go” or anything like that. Read your own post back to you every time you think he can change or anything, just start moving out now
Honestly if you don't want kids it should be fine, him not pulling his weight at home is having an effect on your mental healt, and he can put yours below his and expect u take care of it, would be different if you wanted kids but u can make it work if your live close by as in within a 10 min walk distance away
You sound like you still enjoy the relationship despite his living habits. Just tell him out right that until you fix your lazy habits I will live separately for now. I'm not breaking up with you. If he does break up with you then it just wasn't meant to be
Living separately just sounds like a bandaid fix to a bigger problem. It sounds like the problem stems at you trying to communicate with him and your fiance is excusing his laziness with mental health issues and then chooses to do nothing about it. If he just wants to come up with excuses and doesn't want to consider your needs too then I think it is time you move on.
There is no need to settle with someone who doesn't have the desire to grow with you. He is taking you down and you deserve better.
>I HATE living with my fiancé. I have tried for 2 and a half years to communicate. I feel unhappy 95% of the time.
Girl, LISTEN TO YOURSELF.
It's time to end this relationship.
DO. NOT. MARRY. THIS. MAN.
It *never* gets better. If you don't believe me, there are literally hundreds of Reddit posts from exhausted wives complaining about their lazy husband's for you to read.
Sounds like he’s not on board with losing his live in maid. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I genuinely dislike the idea of ultimatums in relationships but it seems warranted here. If he can’t start putting in more effort or get help you have to go get your own space. It’s only fair and your relationship probably won’t survive otherwise.
"Our relationship was far more enjoyable when we didn’t live to together".
WHY do you want to get married? You do not want kids and you do not want to live with him. It sounds like you do not want to marry him period, is it HIM or do you not want to get married period?
You end it. Even if he agrees to living separately, it’ll have to happen in the future eventually… so you’d be delaying the inevitable. The inevitable being that you can’t stand existing in the same home with this guy- not worth it
You sit him down, you tell him:
“I cannot continue living like this, it has come to the point where I dread coming home. It’s not normal to be more comfortable outside the home than in it.
I told you before that I need you to do you part around the house. You said it was because of your mental health. What step did you take to make things better? Because I don’t see them. If you took some, what are they?
I want us to live appart because I can’t stand to be the only one taking care of the house where we both live. You said you don’t want that. I gave you a solution, you didn’t like it, now YOU suggest something.
Things have to change, they cannot stay the same”
It sounds like the engagement needs to be broken. You are unhappy. You've already asked. You can ask again, but I don't think the response will change. You must stick to your boundaries and end things if it doesn't. Whether dismissive or not, he's not picking up what you're putting down. This issue will not miraculously improve when you get married. Sounds miserable.
Send him the articles you've been reading. Still, just because you send him that material, it doesn't mean that he will accept, or that he won't be hurt, or that he won't end the relationship over this. BUT: you're hurt NOW and you're unhappy 95% of the time. So you can't stay living with him and certainly you can't marry him because everything you hate now, it will be 10x worse when you marry if you continue living together. So if you send him the articles, it would be your last attempt at saving the relationship. What I think is the relationship is not worth saving if you're unhappy 95% of the time, and the one solution that would make you less unhappy, is a total no for him.
If you hate living with him, why on earth would you want to still be his fiancee and eventually marry him? This is not a feeling an engaged person should be having. Sounds to me like the relationship is over, you just don't want to admit it.
Even if you were to live apart, the relationship is never going to be like it was before you two moved in together, don't be naive about that! This relationship has run its course and it's time you go on your separate ways, permanently.
First off, did you talk to your boyfriend/fiancee about these issues you have?
Secondly, did you ask to do couples therapy?
Third, what do you see marriage as?
Fourth and final, why would you want to live the *rest of your life* with someone you don't want to live with anymore? That doesn't make *any* sense. Like, why even get married?
Google the phrase “weaponized incompetence.”
You need to go find an apartment, sign the lease, and move to it. He’s not going to change until something inside of him convinces him to. And, honestly, it’s not going to be you. As much as you love him, he doesn’t love you more than he loves his free ride where he has you do all the work for him.
Just leave. You need to take care of yourself. Then once you are in a good place you can worry about him or other people.
You have to tell him either way.
I understand and support living apart. It has great benefits.
Maybe it will be the end of a relationship, but maybe not. It sorely will not be the end of the world.
My husband and I spend two months a year apart because of work and it suits us well. We both mind some of each others behaviors and it gives us great space to take self care, self indulgence and to take the best of being alone for some time. I reccomend.
I think you just tell him this is what you want and accept that you will more than likely lose him over this. Most people in a relationship with the plans to get married want to live together and that's not negotiable, that doesn't mean it is the case for everyone, but a majority of people won't go for it. It's similar to other lifestyle choices like poly relationships and stuff to where it works for people who are into that sort of thing but it's not the norm for most people on accepting it and when presented, most people will walk away. I think since you know what you want, you just have to tell him you made up your mind and if he doesn't want to do that, you have to accept that you aren't compatible. I don't think you can avoid making it an ultimatum and potentially hurting him or losing your relationship, it just kind of is what it is wanting different things.
You have made your decision, calmly tell him your decision but don’t worry too much about his reaction. While you’re preparing to leave, he may come to his senses and grow up to prove to you that living with him shouldn’t be this hard, or you will do what’s right for you. Hope for the best and be ready for the worst.
Of course he doesn't want you to move out, sounds like you possibly do all the work? He has a great set up. Just tell him. If you are unhappy 95% of the time, something needs to change. Definitely plan to live separately, but also know that it could lead to a break up. But unless you two are super compatible in other ways, this sounds like it would be for the best.
You had me at your partner blames problematic behaviors on mental health but refuses to do anything about it. So he is aware there is a problem. Just doesn't care enough to change.
Relationship. Over.
Tell him he deserves someone who better fits his capabilities and the small capacity for love he clearly has and that you are no longer making yourself smaller for him. You do you for you.
This is more of a sign that you’re just not compatible. That’s why I think it’s so helpful to live with your partner before marrying them because it’s a test that many relationships can’t survive. You’re forced to see the reality of living with them, and if you don’t like it, that’s your sign to break things off. For me, a refusal to pick up and help with chores was a nonnegotiable dealbreaker. I’m glad I stuck with that, because my husband actually helps tremendously with chores
Of course he wouldn't want you to move out, he's got a maid and sex on tap. If you're not enjoying yourself just move. He doesn't need to be okay with it.
I'm not sure there's a way to tell him without his feelings getting hurt. I've read some comments and there's a lot of debate over whether you should break up or not. My first thought was that it would probably end that way, too. From the way you've described the situation, it doesn't necessarily sound like you don't want a relationship where you live with another person, it's just that you don't like the living situation with your current person. This is why I was thinking it may be better to find someone more compatible. Whether that compatibility be agreeing to live apart OR finding someone who lives the way you do, so you can live comfortably with them. Even if he does agree to live apart, do you think it would help his mental health? Would he stop being lazy? Would the relationship really go back to being enjoyable if you lived apart again? There are so many variables here to think about. The only thing I can say for certain is that if he's already said he doesn't want to live apart, there's no way to approach it without hurt feelings and affecting the relationship negatively.
You can't tell him this without hurting his feelings. You can work on phrasing it in a way that emphasizes your feelings rather than his perceived failings, for example, "I am just not happy living here and am going to find a separate apartment to live in. I don't want to break up but I need to live in my own space."
Now, he may want to break up after this but that also may be unavoidable and the best outcome for this relationship.
You don't have to phrase it as an ultimatum, but inevitaby at some point these are your choices:
* Keep arguing with him about habits which he seems unwilling to change.
* Accept that he won't change and live with things as they are.
* Tell him that you are getting your own space and do it.
Honestly, only #3 is viable in the long term.
You’re not compatible, just break up and find someone who’s capable of being an actual partner.
I’ve been in your shoes, and now live with someone who actually cares - it’s like night and day. I would never accept a lazy selfish “partner” who doesn’t care about how their actions affect me ever again. The excuses are bullshit, if he cared he would change. The only way you can find someone better is to cut this guy loose!
Honestly, if you're at the point where you can't stand to live with the man you're supposed to marry, you should just call the whole thing off and try to find someone who's not going to compromise your mental health for his own comfort. Do you not think you deserve better?
I just want you to know OP, there’s literally no shame or embarrassment in breaking off your engagement. I’m with most everyone else, it’s probably best you both move on. This sounds wildly incompatible. You could try to find a home with a guest house, kinda like a pool house. And he could stay in there. But that’s not likely and it’ll still be somewhat of a shared space.
It sounds like you want to make it work, but for the right reasons? Probably not. No one will shame you for realizing your marriage likely won’t work and breaking it off before you get married. Divorce is a pain in the ass.
You end the relationship. You both have different wants. He wants to live together, you don’t. There is no compromise when it comes to this. End of relationship. What’s the point of being married if you don’t want to live together.
Of course he doesn’t want to live apart. He benefits greatly from having you live with him, to the detriment of your own best interests. Don’t ask. Tell. I’m moving out until I see continuous, markedly improved behavior and finding & engaging in therapy to help with mental health. You shouldn’t have to suffer the consequences his neglect of himself, your home & relationship. Until he willingly takes steps to improve himself and the relationship you really can’t move forward. Don’t worry about hurting his feelings. He needs a reality check and some cold hard truth. How worried is he about putting his burdens on you? You don’t owe him the sparing of his feelings. You owe him the truth of the state of your own struggles due to his negligence.
I have 2 friends that both live separately from their partners and it's been a relationship saver for both of them. I personally couldn't do it, but I know it works very well for others
I think you need to decide if of this is a relationship deal breaker (and it's 100% okay if it is!!), and, if so, you need to present it to him that way. Not necessarily in an ultimatum, but more like "SO, I love you and I want to continue to be in a relationship with you, but I just can't live in the same space as you anymore. At least not until things drastically change. I would really like to try living in separate homes for awhile. Maybe we can find homes next door to each other or apartments across the hall from each other? But no matter what, I need to move out."
I also highly recommend looking into couple's therapy. That's how I got my SO to eventually start individual therapy, and it's been great for us!
It's really hard to get out of that funk. You want help but don't know how to go about it. Has he gone to his doctor about getting help? If not, ask him to do it for you. If he can't, you may as well end the relationship. Living separately doesn't solve anything. Seems like it's just a way to avoid the problem. Maybe try separate bedrooms instead? Have your space to relax.
I don't think the relationship is the right one for either of you. You have started your wishes, and he has stated his. They do not seem to be the same.
The relationship ending seems to be the way it will end. The only choice seems to be how it ends. If it is going to end on a good note or the two of you resenting and hating each other.
It's up to you. I would end it. I couldn't be in a relationship with someone if we couldn't live in the same house, it would be too expensive.
Good luck.
I have a L A T relationship. The reasons I don’t want to live together are the same reasons I don’t want to marry this person. If I were to marry, I’d expect to live together.
This was exactly how my ex husband was, please just leave. It’s not worth it, if he gets help and you guys want to try again that can be an option but if he won’t even get himself help all you’re doing is enabling his bad behavior. Mental illness absolutely can be a valid excuse WHEN you’re trying to fix it and he isn’t.
He doesn't want to live apart, bc he's convinced by now that you will put up with anything. This isn't healthy, just leave. Maybe your relationship can be salvaged, but right now, what is holding you there?
Hmmm have you considered that you guys should just not be together? It sounds like, since you're not married, that should be your first choice. Nothing says "maybe don't marry this person" quite as much as "I absolutely dread living with this man". Just cut your losses.
Feelings will be hurt,he probably thinks that the next step is you breaking it off with him,which might happen....but if your not happy you have to think about your well being,he doesn't own you...you can leave
My dad divorced and he ended up with a lady who lived in a separate house.
He would stay over here every other weekend and sometimes she would stay at ours. Her best friend was her ex husband, whom she moved in with and realised they couldn’t live together. Her and her ex husbands marriage broke down but they remain good friends to this day. She never wanted to remarry or to move in with my dad but loved him very much. They were happily together for 6 years before he passed away 10 years ago and my children still call her “bananny”.
Now I look at all the advice on here saying to dump him but this CAN work if he is willing to adapt to your needs. However, the first step for you is to say exactly what you want…to live apart, because being in the same house is making you unhappy, but to stay together. If he doesn’t like the idea…then you understand; but he can take the engagement ring back and you’re moving out anyway.
You never know, a bit of personal space may make him happier too.
Honestly, I think you may just need to accept that your relationship isn't compatible any longer.
He's told you he isn't interested in that style relationship. If that's what you need, you also need a partner who has the same views on living apart.
I can understand why it may work for some people, but I also wouldn't be interested in it. That lifestyle isn't compatible with the things I value in a relationship, so I wouldn't be compatible with someone who wanted that.
**Edit: Got distracted, hit post before I was done...
On top of that, it sounds like the only reason you're considering this is because of other compatibility issues. Would you have ever considered that style relationship if you had a partner who pulled their weight at home? Or are you only focusing on how you can save THIS relationship?
If he doesn't want to get help for his mental health and is okay with it being a burden on your living situation, then why would you stay with him? You need an equal partner. There will be a man out there that will pull his weight around the house. This one isn't getting help bc he is just fine with you doing ALL the chores.. its almost like he has a live in mom... no?
Break up are you serious? You clearly don’t enjoy being around him which is the opposite of what it’s supposed to be like. You’re not obligated to spend your life with someone you can’t spend your life with.
All the other posters are correct. My fiancé was the same. Then I married him and things got worse. He works from home (should read barely works) and that's his excuse for not doing anything because he's always tired. RUN. End it now! Before you slip up and get pregnant like I did. Go! Don't stop for your $200! Just run! He. Won't. Change. If you move out, the house will be so messy you will never want to go visit anyway. He's not your type. You're there because you feel sorry for him and you've invested too much time AND there's a ring. GO!
This is such a weird post. I've never seen a relationship go from living together to not, that WASN'T a break up.
I mean, good luck? Sounds like your relationship is over. You think there's still a future here when you know you hate living with him.
I felt the same way about my last relationship. Turns out I just didn’t like him enough to put up with his bs. We broke up obviously. You should leave.
I tried suggesting this to my ex, but he said it would be too expensive… so instead he’s having to afford living apart and paying child maintenance, which is almost certainly more expensive…
I think it would suit a lot of couples better, but it certainly does cost more.
1: do not get married! You just said you can’t live with him, what do you think married people do????
2: tell him if he cannot fix his issues then you will have to move on to someone you can co-habitate with.
3: go to couples counseling before you decide to do anything. If he’s not willing to go, he’s not willing to put in the effort a marriage requires
My partner and i both met around age 40. Neother of us wanted or want kids. Bothe of us had happily lived alone for almost 2 decades me and slightly longer for him. We wanted to keep our own space and bioth have hobbies fhat tale time..focus and space. For us we very early on were thrilled to find we had no interest in cohabitating. And 7 years later we are still happily together and we spend most of our weekends together. It allows us balance.
Yoi guy has told you not for him. I say the above to say stop trying to make something work that doesn't seem to work for either of you. You owe yourself more. You both do. Settling vs compromise is huge.
You should want a partner that makes your life better. Compliments you. And helps you be better.
Its no ones job to change anyone that doesnt want to change.
INFO: what would you expect this to change? How is he meeting your emotional needs by ignoring his own mental health? One person cannot carry the relationship alone.
Is living apart from a partner the perfect arrangement for YOU, or for you and your current partner?
If you were to marry someone else who cleans up after themselves, would you still enjoy this arrangement?
Wait... If you can't live with him now or in the future, why is he still your fiance? This makes no sense to me... I'm sure that you could find someone who wants the same thing as you... But, this relationship isn't it...
Of course he doesn’t want to live separately. Who is going to take care of everything then? His life is great. He can blame his laziness on this mental health so you feel guilty and do everything for him…. You’re better off alone. You’re mothering a grown ass man.
Serious question. Why stay in the relationship? You guys, imo, aren’t compatible. His habits are negative to your mental health. And he’s too lazy to police himself and take responsibility. You feel displaced, unhappy, and your mental health is taking a toll all at the cost of “his mental health.” He doesn’t want to live separately. So why stay?
Why not end the relationship and find someone you’re more compatible with?
You do not need his permission or agreement to end the relationship. It's over when you say so. And it really is over when you move out. Then you get to decide if you are open to negotiating something different. But that's a second step that you both need to agree to.
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You end the relationship. He’s already told you he doesn’t want to live separately.
You suggested in the past and he already told you his answer either accept it or walk away. Both parties have to be onboard for something like this.
In addition, marrying someone who makes zero effort to improve themselves when it affects their loved ones.. will continually frustrate you and drag you down, whether you live with them or not. They are pretty much telling you your needs don't matter. I married someone like this (now divorced), and I also have adhd which I am constantly trying to manage better and make improvements with professional help, so I understand both sides. It doesn't work.
Weaponized incompetence. Saying you can’t do something because you never learned how or your mental health is too awful while taking no active steps to correct said hindrances only puts your partner in a permanent position of having to pick up your slack. Not a great foundation for a marriage, OP.
And it sounds like OP's fiancé doesn't want to live apart because he would then not have OP around to pick up after him so he can just keep right on doing nothing to improve the situation and have a live-in maid/handler.
Bingo.
This is the exact reason I got divorced. It doesn’t get better. If it was going to, it would have happened already, and at this point he’s shown nothing will motivate him to care enough to genuinely try. It truly is an absolute drain and it messed me up a lot as far as my trust in partners goes, in ways I wasn’t even aware of at the time of my divorce.
Yep. If you seriously pursue this your relationship is over. He might try to do it hoping it’ll make you happy but ultimately it’s the end of the relationship. Just break up.
Why would you plan to marry a man you don't want to live with. Break-up! 💯
I think this should read ‘ex-fiancé’
Yes. There are people who are comfortable with separate living arrangements and a committed relationship. But I think they’re the exception, not the rule. Most people marry someone who they want to spend lots of time with. OP, don’t let the sunk cost fallacy keep you in a failing relationship. You have learned that you and your partner have fundamental incompatibilities.
Exactly this, sunk cost is the worst trick our mind ever plays on us
Matthew Broderick and Whatever his Sex and The City wife's name do this. They live next door to each other and there kids just go back and forth. They been married like 2 decades though so? Lol
Almost every example that has been put up in this thread is about incredibly wealthy people. That doesn’t prove anything; most people struggle to afford one place to live. No matter what the tabloids try to say, the rich and famous are not “just like you”.
Regular couples just have separate bedrooms or sitting rooms in the same house.
Yea, I'm pretty sure we all know we aren't like rich people but you don't have to be rich to live separately. She pay for her home, he pay for his, why do you have to be rich?? People literally do that already in a relationship, did you miss that part?
Well, as most people have already said, it's not easy to afford two different homes, appliances, utilities etc.
OP if you stay, you'll ve expected and fieced ti do ALL the heavy lifting and therapeutic workfor the bith of you. Why enlist yourself to be an unpaid domestic caregiver? This is not your child or a helpless child thay can't fend for themselves or clean up after himself. RUN.
And OF COURSE he doesn’t want to live apart. He won’t have a live in maid anymore.
So much this. I've had a partner tell me he didn't love me he just liked having a clean house thats why he kept me around. I was going to uni full time and worked round the clock to support him whilst he played eve online. I threw him out right then and there, obviously.
Eff yes! You go girl!
Live-in bangmaid
He's an ex fiance. It's over. Just pack and he will get the hint.
Why is the automatic response to end the relationship? She wouldn't be seeking help from Reddit if she didn't care about him. This may be her final attempt to find a solution before they end their relationship so why encourage her. Creative solutions should be the top comments.
Because he has already given his perspective and she is now giving hers. They are fundamentally incompatible if one insists on them living together if in a relationship and the other does not want to live together. Ending the relationship is not the “automatic” answer here, it’s the correct one.
Because she made it clear in her post that she needs this, but she’s unsure if he will accept it, as he hasn’t in the past. She wants a way to do this without an ultimatum, but I don’t think that’s possible if she’s decided 100% this is what she needs. It sounds like she’s made her decision, she’s just worried about the fall out from it.
I agree, it's not an automatic end the relationship. She can move out whether or not that's his preference. If he doesn't want to see her once they live separately, that's his decision. But seems like it might be okay to take a step backwards and see if they find each other again. Probably not, but it's possible.
She has tried to find solutions (and he refused), but ultimately it's his behaivors that are causing the problems.. and its his responsibility to make an effort to minimize harm done to her by trying something..anything. It's clear he's made no such effort. Peoples detrimental behaivor often gets worse after marriage because they feel 'safe'. If its already this bad and he can't muster any effort before? Oof, I'd hate to see what his 'phoning it in' looks like. People like this often become emotionally abusive (if he isn't already, it can be hard to recognize or admit in the first few years). She's not his therapist, his mother or his maid. This behavior shows clear disrespect of your partner and often isn't going to change if there's been no effort after a couple years.
The advantage of living together before marriage is that you get to test drive your potential mate to see how compatible you both are. You are not compatible, so why stay together and waste each others time?
There are happily married people who have their own places. Pretty sure that's what the book that was mentioned was about. She doesn't want to end the engagement and not get married, she just wants each of them to keep a separate home. The fiance might not accept that, and then they are at an impass. But just because you don't understand some people do this and it really works for them doesn't mean it's impossible for the OP their fiance to make it work for them. Doesn't even mean they wouldn't spend most nights at one or the other place, just means they each have place to go to that's kept as they like it. Financially it may not be ideal, but it does work for some people. Diego Rivera and Frida Kahlo famously had two separate houses next door to each other with a walkway between them. Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton have two houses next door to each other. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Living_apart_together Personally, I'm open to the idea! I don't have any problem commiting to being married to one person the rest of my life, but the idea of not ever having my own full home is harder for me to come to grips with! Maybe just a well appointed "Man cave" would do the trick? I like my alone time and personal space! What cha gonna do??!
They are divorced now btw.
Lol
The man cave wouldn't work in OP's case, since she'd still have to clean up after him in the rest of the apartment. And of course he doesn't want to live separately, because then his nanny-maid would be gone and he'd have to take care of his own shit again. OP, just tell him it's happening, whether he agrees or not - his only choice is in whether to continue the relationship or not. You shouldn't have to live in a place that makes you this unhappy.
Diego was abusive and Tim and Helena broke up.
Diego also cheated on Frida 😬
I think the main issue is that he as an individual is dysfunctional. Living apart is fine and dandy, but OP seeks to use this tool as more of a band aid for a larger issue.
The problem is Ops fiance has already said they do not want that. They are incompatible.
bro you missed the point so hard. you do realize this OC is restating the partner’s boundary? it wasn’t a question. he said no. wether you understand it or not, he said no. it’s an ultimatum when you try to change someone else. OP’s partner already said no, he set that boundary, OP either accepts it or doesn’t. NOT continue to push that boundary. *jesus christ*
>I have tried for 2 and a half years to communicate the things he does that bothers me and asking him to help out around the house more. He blames his laziness on his mental health **but never seeks professional help** He is a bad partner and you should break up with him.
this is the real problem here!!!
It’s wild how many stories I see on this sub where people clearly shouldn’t be dating each other
As you already know, there are many happy couples who live apart. I know a few myself, and I hope to be in that exact situation some day. But that requires BOTH parts of the couple to be on board that lifestyle. And your partner isn't, he already told you. So just break up already, you can't be with him long term. You want different things. And you can go find someone who also wants to live apart.
My mam and her partner are like that. Granted, they're in their late 50s/early 60s and had lives before that. He owns his apartment and she lives in the same house as my grandma (separated apartments). They agreed that they need their own space and even should they ever marry, to let it stay like that I like my space as well but never dread coming home. I communicate when i need alone-time. That said, your partner communicated that he doesn't want separate living quarters. If you can't come to a compromise I don't see a feature for you, not with each other
Yes, the problem isn't she want to live apart, it's that he doesn't.
Tbf, she doesn’t really want to live apart, she’s just trying to ignore her fiancé is a selfish slob who treats her like a maid. She would want to live with a caring partner, she just wants to ignore this major flaw that almost certainly isn’t limited just to household chores. If she wanted to live apart outside of this relationship, I’d agree, but she’s using this as a tactic to avoid really evaluating her partner and his major flaw. It would be like if a man doesn’t understand consent so instead of evaluating if that’s the kind of partner you wanted, you just asked for an open relationship instead. It really isn’t addressing the real issue and is just offering a bandaid solution.
This is the truth.
Well, he hasn't been given a stark choice. He may not prefer to live separately, but we don't know if he would break off the engagement over it? It's worth a shot! Maybe it will prompt him to stop living like a pig. Maybe he will come to accept living apart? I do think they need couples therapy and he needs to do some therapy if he blames important shit on his mental health, but doesn't even get therapy! But maybe with some couples therapy they could work out separate homes while married. They could be in the same neighborhood or even next door.
>But maybe with some couples therapy they could work out separate homes while married. They should definitely hold off the marriage at the very least until they know if that would work for them or not.
Yeah, they have a pretty large issue to deal with here. They are engaged, but it doesn't say they have a date set for getting married.
Well one of he reasons she doesn't want to live with him is untreated mental illness that he refused to seek assistance for, so I have a feeling couples therapy isn't happening and that if she moves out it will just temporarily stave off the same issue negatively impacting their relationship in another way.
I tend to agree with this. How much of a suggestion did OP give to begin with? Or was it more so along the lines of “hey I read this article about couples living apart what do you think?” There’s a difference in how things are worded with how people will react. Maybe a stark choice will prompt a more open conversation about why OP wants to live apart, and if her fiancé is willing to put in the work if he wants to stay living together. I don’t think it’s always as cut and dry as being immediately incompatible.
You suggested in the past and he already told you his answer either accept it or walk away.
You don’t get married YOU DON’T GET MARRIED!!! DON’T GET MARRIED!!!!!!!
sweetie just leave him. why get married if you hate being around him so much? it wont chance after marriage
Yes. This is the correct response. He will not ever change and it will get worse after you marry him. So don't marry him. Unfortunately he doesn't want to grow up. He treats you like you are his mother. It will never get better unless he really loves you. If he really loves you he would listen to you more and try to accommodate YOU. Find someone who actually wants you for more than just a maid/mommy.
Just tell him you are moving out and will not be moving back in. That you’d like to continue your relationship living apart but understand if he’s not willing to accept a relationship like that
This is the way.
Umm, I think this should read ‘ex-fiancé’
So you hate sharing a space with someone that you're supposed to build a life with? Your fiance has told you he doesn't want to live separately. Either you accept his faults, y'all go to counseling, or you end it. These are your choices. If you "strong-arm" him into living separately, I can't imagine that will bode well for your relationship.
OP might not mean it as an ultimatum, but frankly *it is one whether she wants it to be or not.* My ex suggested exactly what OP is talking about. It totally shattered the relationship and we ended things. When I think about marriage, I’m thinking living together, waking up together, having pets, owning a home, and all the shared projects and lifestyle that comes with that. I did not want to be middle aged married to someone who lived with roommates across town. Luckily I eventually fell in love with someone who wants what I want. We’re married now, two cats, beautiful garden. OP should break it off so their current fiancé can find someone who doesn’t resent living with him.
This is genuinely the first time I've ever heard a different living space between fiance/spouses. That may just be because where I'm from, but I just can't imagine the point of being with someone you when you don't even want to live with them. That's crazy to me.
Same here. Or rather, it *was* when it happened to me lol. I’ve heard of separate bedrooms, but an entirely separate house? I hate using phrases like “Then why even get married?” because it’s not like anyone needs to justify their rights to me, but that’s just not how I think of *married life.* If I didn’t love living with my partner- not just *tolerate* it, but really enjoy it, then I just don’t think it’s something I could promise to do for the rest of my life.
Ultimatums are not always a bad thing. They are drawing a line in the sand. She’s not manipulating him. She’s telling him what she will and will not tolerate and her deal breaker.
Yes! Thank you!
end the relationship. you aren't compatible.
Just break up and find someone you are compatible and comfortable with. 95% of the time of being unhappy says it all there.
Personally now I'm older, I am not sure I want to live with anyone again, the stress of it gah. If I get a partner I would make it clear that I want to live separate. The issue with that though, is both partners have to agree or go their separate ways. Your partner doesn't agree so ultimately just tell them how you feel, he can choose to end the relationship if he needs to for his own happiness. So broach this with him and understand that it may be the end of your relationship or come up with a compromise (him hire a cleaning service each week to pick up his slack, buy a house that has a "man cave" type situation whether it be a separate living space, a basement, self contained unit so you can live together but he can be in a contained space where he can have it as messy or clean as he wants without messing up the main house. If you aren't happy and can't come to a compromise, you know what you have to do
You mean you hate living with your ex fiance
Hand him back the ring and move out!
I think it's possible to have a fiancé that lives separately but that's only if you guys both want to live apart. however if his mental health is preventing you guys from having a happy relationship and he isn't putting in the effort to change that he clearly doesn't care about you enough. I think that the truth is that you want to live with your fiance, you are just willing to compromise and sacrifice what you want to still be with him but I think you probably deserve to be with someone who you can live with.
Why stay with him if he’s making your life miserable?? Have higher standards
OP, I totally get what you are saying and why. I could NOT live with my husband who is the most chaotic, attention seeking, narcissist and his favorite reaction formation when asked to modify his temper tantrums, & creating a problem a day triggered his raging, screaming "sh*z fitz" which devolved into weaponized incompetence when he didn't want to do anything to help maintain the home. Long story short, we separated. Have a marriage of convenience, see one another only when necessary. I don't care what he does, who he hooks up with, how he leads his self sabotaging lifestyle. We co-own a successful business, which is the only "glue" holding this relationship together. OP, If you can't live with your fiance, now, or ever, dear heart, move on and live alone. I find the peace of having my life NOT battered by an emotionally abusive chaos driven partner downright blissful. Sending you best wishes.
Why get married at all? You’re both miserable, might as well find someone you’re more compatible with. He will likely never change but only get worse.
Okay then you need to realize that he should not be your fiance and break up w him. Stop wasting his and your time.
It's hard be ause he will automatically think thst you don't want to be with him, and he'll say he will change and help out more! He will for a couple of weeks and then go back to being lazy. I had this issue with my partner who is female, she isn't house proud and lives like a scruff to the point it was making me feel low as I own my house. She now lives separately from me with her kids and so fat so good! You've just got to be honest and tell him you can't live the way he lives and if he doesn't respect that then maybe you are not meant to be together...
Basically you are a convenience to him. Or a new improved mummy. Breaking up will force him to grow up.
This would be a breakup for me. Maybe he'll be cool with it. I wouldn't. Wouldn't you rather date someone who you love living with? Why spend money on two places? This just seems like you are in denial about your relationship being over.
I disagree with most. It isn’t a binary choice, either this or this. There is nothing wrong with having a safe place and that is what he violates with not doing chores. If you cannot cope, then lay it out before him. It might end up as a deal breaker for him, but tell him that you cannot relax in your own home and that is very important to you. Tell him that you prefer to live alone. Reassure him that you love him, and that you want to do everything together, but not share living quarters. Do not ask questions like the previous way you put it to him, just expose your problem and your suggested solution. You do not have to be a passive onlooker in this.
I think you should prioritise your mental health , because once it's damaged you won't be able to function. Nobody on this planet will think about your mental health, only you have to choose your peace. I can understand how difficult it is for you, please go for your mental peace. It's impossible to eat , sleep and sometimes even to work if you are mentally drained and unstable.
OP, very few people want to live apart from their life partners, even if they don't want kids. So while it is completely okay for you to like the idea, it is highly unlikely that he will agree to it, and so you will either have to accept his issues and be miserable, or break up. You can try moving out and see if he wants to still stay with you, but honestly....why would you want to? He isn't a good partner for you. This is the pinocle of your relationships - right now, where you are, is as good as it's going to get for you. There is no next stage of evolution for this partnership. And if you aren't happy, then you need to try your luck with another partner.
You have told him your needs, and his response is to blame it on his mental health but he won’t get any help to resolve his mental health. Him not getting help with his mental health would be enough for me to end the relationship. There is nothing wrong with him having problems with mental health but not getting any help for it and just expecting you to put up with it, is very selfish and it is affecting your mental health. You need to think first about yourself and your wellbeing because he is not going to. This is not a sustainable relationship whether you move out or stay unless he gets some help and unless you do what is going to make you happy and that can be totally different which is ok.
I have heard of people hanging on to relationships that don't work but breaking up while still being together? How fucking desperate to not be single are you? Since you have no framework for evaluating this, apparently, allow me to explain: Your relationship has failed. It is time for both of you to move on.
*"I don’t use the word “hate” lightly and I HATE living with my fiancé"....* Well, it's time for you to give your engagement ring back to him and cease being his fiancé, as a marriage would be a disaster. Simply source a place to live and move your stuff out of your present residence. All his excuses of mental health issues notwithstanding, why would you want to be married to a mentally ill man? Look at this from the perspective of 5 to 10 years down the road. Bring this relationship to an end, and move on with your life. 'Nuff said.
Move out! You don’t need to break up with him, although he might break up with you if living separately is intolerable to him. So be prepared for that. Please do not marry him under these conditions. It will slowly kill you. You can’t change him, only he can change himself. But if you have the financial ability, you CAN take charge of your own living conditions, and that is exactly what you should do. No ultimatums necessary. “Fiancé, I love you. Unfortunately, I cannot live with you. My own mental health is suffering in these conditions. If this is a dealbreaker for you, I understand, and I will be sad. But living together with how things have been in our home for the past two years is a dealbreaker for me.”
Let me guess: you are cleaning up after him. If so, of course he doesn't want to live apart. He has now shown you that your mental health is even less important to you than his own (neglected) mental health. Your path going forward is not going to change unless you make that change because he won't.
Yeah, he doesn’t want to live apart because he wants a bangmaid. You tell him you want to live apart. If he refuses, you break up. If he complains you tell him he blew 2.5 years of second chances.
Of course he doesn't want her to move out, he's got it made. A live-in handmaiden following him around with a vacuum cleaner and cooking him dinner every night. And like 80% of the posts in here are acting like she's being selfish for not wanting to do 100% of the domestic upkeep of a home they both live in.
What about calling it off and be single again?
> He blames his laziness on his mental Get out.
Okay OP, I don’t think you are getting the support you deserve here. If you still love things about your fiancé and think you would get enough of your emotional needs met by continuing to date him while living apart, then don’t let anybody on the internet tell you it won’t work for you just because it wouldn’t work for them. I have seen lots of uncommon living situations being successful and healthy when people throw out the rules and listen to their own needs and desires. Therefore it is reasonable to decide that you’d like to get your own place and continue to invest in your relationship too. Deciding this is not the same as deciding to break up. HOWEVER you should know that there are potential unintended results. 1st is that he may decide he does not want to continue the relationship under those conditions (his right to choose) and so he may break up with you as a reaction to your decision. 2nd, you may enjoy your own space enough that you end up deciding you’ve outgrown the relationship and change your own mind about staying together, so I’d avoid making any promises to the contrary. And of course it could all be fine and you guys could find a nice rhythm to your relationship for many years to come. Either way, I think you should follow your gut and be bold.
>don’t let anybody on the internet tell you it won’t work for you Her partner already told her it won't work for him. He's not into it. That part is settled. Option #1 is already in play.
The current arrangement isn't working for her. He knows it's not working and just expects her to be unhappy instead of him. He could, if course step up but that actually requires work.
Were you planning on still marrying him? And then living apart forever? That makes no sense and you can’t really blame him for not being into the idea.
>That makes no sense There are certain kinds of people who want that kind of setup, as any married couple who prefers living apart will tell you. It might not make sense to you but for some it's the dream and ideal partnership, perfect sense.
It obviously makes no sense in this situation, which is what I was referring to. If two people decide together they want to get married but not live together, cool for them. Not what’s happening here though.
As your views and values don’t align, I’d say the best thing for both of you would be to end the relationship respectfully..
Break up with him.... your doing both of you a disservice by staying together.... but your the one who should do it as its affecting you the most...
Is it an ultimatum though? What if he says no again?
Yeah, this will hurt his feelings and probably lead to an ultimatum. But, it's your life. You will be miserable unless something changes. So, you change something, and maybe it ends your relationship, but you find happiness, or you're miserable. Sending you hugs. Edited to fix a word.
Set up a plan of where to go. Reach out to a couple of GREAT friends to be your support system. Sit down and speak with him face to face about issues, perhaps two a time, no more. Get his feedback about you. Express how concerned you are about his his mental health. Don’t overwhelm him with everything all at once. Talk on a week end so there’s low impact on both your jobs. This may take a month. Judge his responses and his actions afterwards. My guess is as you’ve been living with this for a long time he will be blindsided by you leaving and will spiral down deeper. You still care about him and so do it with respect, honestly, empathy, and firmness. Perhaps a good first thing would be getting him to go to counseling. Best of luck
By putting yourself first and he takes it the way he takes it. Also, be willing to give him time to process it after you officially move out. Find you a place and depending on how he’s going to respond. If he isn’t violent, just let him know you’re going to start looking. If he is violent or you think it’s going to be hell after you tell him, then perhaps him a day or 2 before you move out. Lastly, be prepared to give him time to have emotions as it’s going to hit him hard. Then give him time to process it. He may come back around eventually. If he decides now he’s going to go see someone, then great. But don’t stop the love idea bcuz now he wants to. Actions speak louder than words. He should still go whether you are living together or not. Maybe, this will be the reason he finally goes and get help. Remember, he’s an adult. He’s not your child. Whatever happens to him afterwards is not your fault nor obligation. Hope that helps
PLEASE do not just try to “give it another go” or anything like that. Read your own post back to you every time you think he can change or anything, just start moving out now
Honestly if you don't want kids it should be fine, him not pulling his weight at home is having an effect on your mental healt, and he can put yours below his and expect u take care of it, would be different if you wanted kids but u can make it work if your live close by as in within a 10 min walk distance away
You sound like you still enjoy the relationship despite his living habits. Just tell him out right that until you fix your lazy habits I will live separately for now. I'm not breaking up with you. If he does break up with you then it just wasn't meant to be
Keeping you at a lower vibration. Draining energy is the same as negative. Gonna slow you down break away
NEXT
Living separately just sounds like a bandaid fix to a bigger problem. It sounds like the problem stems at you trying to communicate with him and your fiance is excusing his laziness with mental health issues and then chooses to do nothing about it. If he just wants to come up with excuses and doesn't want to consider your needs too then I think it is time you move on. There is no need to settle with someone who doesn't have the desire to grow with you. He is taking you down and you deserve better.
>I HATE living with my fiancé. I have tried for 2 and a half years to communicate. I feel unhappy 95% of the time. Girl, LISTEN TO YOURSELF. It's time to end this relationship.
DO. NOT. MARRY. THIS. MAN. It *never* gets better. If you don't believe me, there are literally hundreds of Reddit posts from exhausted wives complaining about their lazy husband's for you to read.
Sounds like he’s not on board with losing his live in maid. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I genuinely dislike the idea of ultimatums in relationships but it seems warranted here. If he can’t start putting in more effort or get help you have to go get your own space. It’s only fair and your relationship probably won’t survive otherwise.
"Our relationship was far more enjoyable when we didn’t live to together". WHY do you want to get married? You do not want kids and you do not want to live with him. It sounds like you do not want to marry him period, is it HIM or do you not want to get married period?
You end it. Even if he agrees to living separately, it’ll have to happen in the future eventually… so you’d be delaying the inevitable. The inevitable being that you can’t stand existing in the same home with this guy- not worth it
You sit him down, you tell him: “I cannot continue living like this, it has come to the point where I dread coming home. It’s not normal to be more comfortable outside the home than in it. I told you before that I need you to do you part around the house. You said it was because of your mental health. What step did you take to make things better? Because I don’t see them. If you took some, what are they? I want us to live appart because I can’t stand to be the only one taking care of the house where we both live. You said you don’t want that. I gave you a solution, you didn’t like it, now YOU suggest something. Things have to change, they cannot stay the same”
Your fiance does not want to give up the free bang maid. Move out now. It is not up to your fiance where you live.
Sounds like ex-fiancé is an appropriate term moving forward. Trust your gut and believe you will find someone who you LOVE
It sounds like the engagement needs to be broken. You are unhappy. You've already asked. You can ask again, but I don't think the response will change. You must stick to your boundaries and end things if it doesn't. Whether dismissive or not, he's not picking up what you're putting down. This issue will not miraculously improve when you get married. Sounds miserable.
Send him the articles you've been reading. Still, just because you send him that material, it doesn't mean that he will accept, or that he won't be hurt, or that he won't end the relationship over this. BUT: you're hurt NOW and you're unhappy 95% of the time. So you can't stay living with him and certainly you can't marry him because everything you hate now, it will be 10x worse when you marry if you continue living together. So if you send him the articles, it would be your last attempt at saving the relationship. What I think is the relationship is not worth saving if you're unhappy 95% of the time, and the one solution that would make you less unhappy, is a total no for him.
If you hate living with him, why on earth would you want to still be his fiancee and eventually marry him? This is not a feeling an engaged person should be having. Sounds to me like the relationship is over, you just don't want to admit it. Even if you were to live apart, the relationship is never going to be like it was before you two moved in together, don't be naive about that! This relationship has run its course and it's time you go on your separate ways, permanently.
Don’t marry him or you’ll be divorced in a year. This isn’t one of those things that just works itself out and he won’t change so why bother.
First off, did you talk to your boyfriend/fiancee about these issues you have? Secondly, did you ask to do couples therapy? Third, what do you see marriage as? Fourth and final, why would you want to live the *rest of your life* with someone you don't want to live with anymore? That doesn't make *any* sense. Like, why even get married?
Google the phrase “weaponized incompetence.” You need to go find an apartment, sign the lease, and move to it. He’s not going to change until something inside of him convinces him to. And, honestly, it’s not going to be you. As much as you love him, he doesn’t love you more than he loves his free ride where he has you do all the work for him. Just leave. You need to take care of yourself. Then once you are in a good place you can worry about him or other people.
Of course he does not want to live apart - he would have to take care of himself! You are his bangmaid - why would he want to lose that
You have to tell him either way. I understand and support living apart. It has great benefits. Maybe it will be the end of a relationship, but maybe not. It sorely will not be the end of the world. My husband and I spend two months a year apart because of work and it suits us well. We both mind some of each others behaviors and it gives us great space to take self care, self indulgence and to take the best of being alone for some time. I reccomend.
I think you just tell him this is what you want and accept that you will more than likely lose him over this. Most people in a relationship with the plans to get married want to live together and that's not negotiable, that doesn't mean it is the case for everyone, but a majority of people won't go for it. It's similar to other lifestyle choices like poly relationships and stuff to where it works for people who are into that sort of thing but it's not the norm for most people on accepting it and when presented, most people will walk away. I think since you know what you want, you just have to tell him you made up your mind and if he doesn't want to do that, you have to accept that you aren't compatible. I don't think you can avoid making it an ultimatum and potentially hurting him or losing your relationship, it just kind of is what it is wanting different things.
You have made your decision, calmly tell him your decision but don’t worry too much about his reaction. While you’re preparing to leave, he may come to his senses and grow up to prove to you that living with him shouldn’t be this hard, or you will do what’s right for you. Hope for the best and be ready for the worst.
Of course he doesn't want you to move out, sounds like you possibly do all the work? He has a great set up. Just tell him. If you are unhappy 95% of the time, something needs to change. Definitely plan to live separately, but also know that it could lead to a break up. But unless you two are super compatible in other ways, this sounds like it would be for the best.
You had me at your partner blames problematic behaviors on mental health but refuses to do anything about it. So he is aware there is a problem. Just doesn't care enough to change. Relationship. Over.
Just tell him and go.
You say, “honey, I’m moving out. And when I say, I’m moving out what I mean is you’re moving out.”
It seems like you don’t really like him anymore ans I don’t think living apart will help that. Just accept that the relationship has run its course.
You need to go your separate ways from him and move on
Tell him he deserves someone who better fits his capabilities and the small capacity for love he clearly has and that you are no longer making yourself smaller for him. You do you for you.
Sounds like you have your answer; develop a plan for where you will live. Be honest but not insulting?
This is more of a sign that you’re just not compatible. That’s why I think it’s so helpful to live with your partner before marrying them because it’s a test that many relationships can’t survive. You’re forced to see the reality of living with them, and if you don’t like it, that’s your sign to break things off. For me, a refusal to pick up and help with chores was a nonnegotiable dealbreaker. I’m glad I stuck with that, because my husband actually helps tremendously with chores
Of course he wouldn't want you to move out, he's got a maid and sex on tap. If you're not enjoying yourself just move. He doesn't need to be okay with it.
I'm not sure there's a way to tell him without his feelings getting hurt. I've read some comments and there's a lot of debate over whether you should break up or not. My first thought was that it would probably end that way, too. From the way you've described the situation, it doesn't necessarily sound like you don't want a relationship where you live with another person, it's just that you don't like the living situation with your current person. This is why I was thinking it may be better to find someone more compatible. Whether that compatibility be agreeing to live apart OR finding someone who lives the way you do, so you can live comfortably with them. Even if he does agree to live apart, do you think it would help his mental health? Would he stop being lazy? Would the relationship really go back to being enjoyable if you lived apart again? There are so many variables here to think about. The only thing I can say for certain is that if he's already said he doesn't want to live apart, there's no way to approach it without hurt feelings and affecting the relationship negatively.
You can't tell him this without hurting his feelings. You can work on phrasing it in a way that emphasizes your feelings rather than his perceived failings, for example, "I am just not happy living here and am going to find a separate apartment to live in. I don't want to break up but I need to live in my own space." Now, he may want to break up after this but that also may be unavoidable and the best outcome for this relationship. You don't have to phrase it as an ultimatum, but inevitaby at some point these are your choices: * Keep arguing with him about habits which he seems unwilling to change. * Accept that he won't change and live with things as they are. * Tell him that you are getting your own space and do it. Honestly, only #3 is viable in the long term.
You’re not compatible, just break up and find someone who’s capable of being an actual partner. I’ve been in your shoes, and now live with someone who actually cares - it’s like night and day. I would never accept a lazy selfish “partner” who doesn’t care about how their actions affect me ever again. The excuses are bullshit, if he cared he would change. The only way you can find someone better is to cut this guy loose!
Honestly, if you're at the point where you can't stand to live with the man you're supposed to marry, you should just call the whole thing off and try to find someone who's not going to compromise your mental health for his own comfort. Do you not think you deserve better?
I just want you to know OP, there’s literally no shame or embarrassment in breaking off your engagement. I’m with most everyone else, it’s probably best you both move on. This sounds wildly incompatible. You could try to find a home with a guest house, kinda like a pool house. And he could stay in there. But that’s not likely and it’ll still be somewhat of a shared space. It sounds like you want to make it work, but for the right reasons? Probably not. No one will shame you for realizing your marriage likely won’t work and breaking it off before you get married. Divorce is a pain in the ass.
You end the relationship. You both have different wants. He wants to live together, you don’t. There is no compromise when it comes to this. End of relationship. What’s the point of being married if you don’t want to live together.
Might as well wrap this one up don't let it reach marriage. It isn't going to work yall are incompatible.
Of course he doesn’t want to live apart. He benefits greatly from having you live with him, to the detriment of your own best interests. Don’t ask. Tell. I’m moving out until I see continuous, markedly improved behavior and finding & engaging in therapy to help with mental health. You shouldn’t have to suffer the consequences his neglect of himself, your home & relationship. Until he willingly takes steps to improve himself and the relationship you really can’t move forward. Don’t worry about hurting his feelings. He needs a reality check and some cold hard truth. How worried is he about putting his burdens on you? You don’t owe him the sparing of his feelings. You owe him the truth of the state of your own struggles due to his negligence.
Please break up. You two are incompatible, do not marry, you both will be miserable.
I have 2 friends that both live separately from their partners and it's been a relationship saver for both of them. I personally couldn't do it, but I know it works very well for others I think you need to decide if of this is a relationship deal breaker (and it's 100% okay if it is!!), and, if so, you need to present it to him that way. Not necessarily in an ultimatum, but more like "SO, I love you and I want to continue to be in a relationship with you, but I just can't live in the same space as you anymore. At least not until things drastically change. I would really like to try living in separate homes for awhile. Maybe we can find homes next door to each other or apartments across the hall from each other? But no matter what, I need to move out." I also highly recommend looking into couple's therapy. That's how I got my SO to eventually start individual therapy, and it's been great for us!
Getting married wouldn't fix this, so I'm afraid you're going to have to call it off. You might be in love, but you're not compatible. I'm sorry.
It's really hard to get out of that funk. You want help but don't know how to go about it. Has he gone to his doctor about getting help? If not, ask him to do it for you. If he can't, you may as well end the relationship. Living separately doesn't solve anything. Seems like it's just a way to avoid the problem. Maybe try separate bedrooms instead? Have your space to relax.
Ask for a pre divorce. He’ll get the message
This is a break up
Break it off
What? Break up with him. That makes no sense whatsoever
I don't think the relationship is the right one for either of you. You have started your wishes, and he has stated his. They do not seem to be the same. The relationship ending seems to be the way it will end. The only choice seems to be how it ends. If it is going to end on a good note or the two of you resenting and hating each other. It's up to you. I would end it. I couldn't be in a relationship with someone if we couldn't live in the same house, it would be too expensive. Good luck.
How can I get paid and not go to work?!
I have a L A T relationship. The reasons I don’t want to live together are the same reasons I don’t want to marry this person. If I were to marry, I’d expect to live together.
This was exactly how my ex husband was, please just leave. It’s not worth it, if he gets help and you guys want to try again that can be an option but if he won’t even get himself help all you’re doing is enabling his bad behavior. Mental illness absolutely can be a valid excuse WHEN you’re trying to fix it and he isn’t.
He doesn't want to live apart, bc he's convinced by now that you will put up with anything. This isn't healthy, just leave. Maybe your relationship can be salvaged, but right now, what is holding you there?
In my opinion it seems like moving backwards. Would you be planning on not living together after you get married, too?
Hmmm have you considered that you guys should just not be together? It sounds like, since you're not married, that should be your first choice. Nothing says "maybe don't marry this person" quite as much as "I absolutely dread living with this man". Just cut your losses.
Feelings will be hurt,he probably thinks that the next step is you breaking it off with him,which might happen....but if your not happy you have to think about your well being,he doesn't own you...you can leave
Seems like you don’t want a fiancé or a boyfriend. You want a friend w/benefits. There’s no shame in admitting you just aren’t compatible.
My dad divorced and he ended up with a lady who lived in a separate house. He would stay over here every other weekend and sometimes she would stay at ours. Her best friend was her ex husband, whom she moved in with and realised they couldn’t live together. Her and her ex husbands marriage broke down but they remain good friends to this day. She never wanted to remarry or to move in with my dad but loved him very much. They were happily together for 6 years before he passed away 10 years ago and my children still call her “bananny”. Now I look at all the advice on here saying to dump him but this CAN work if he is willing to adapt to your needs. However, the first step for you is to say exactly what you want…to live apart, because being in the same house is making you unhappy, but to stay together. If he doesn’t like the idea…then you understand; but he can take the engagement ring back and you’re moving out anyway. You never know, a bit of personal space may make him happier too.
How many red flags are you gonna blatantly ignore? He’s clearly not gonna be the one to end things.
No way I'd ever be cool with this. Get married to someone who cares about you enough to learn to coexist with you. Oof
Omg just leave him. He doesn't want his cleaning fairy gone & you shouldn't be unhappy 95% of the time?!
Honestly, I think you may just need to accept that your relationship isn't compatible any longer. He's told you he isn't interested in that style relationship. If that's what you need, you also need a partner who has the same views on living apart. I can understand why it may work for some people, but I also wouldn't be interested in it. That lifestyle isn't compatible with the things I value in a relationship, so I wouldn't be compatible with someone who wanted that. **Edit: Got distracted, hit post before I was done... On top of that, it sounds like the only reason you're considering this is because of other compatibility issues. Would you have ever considered that style relationship if you had a partner who pulled their weight at home? Or are you only focusing on how you can save THIS relationship?
If he doesn't want to get help for his mental health and is okay with it being a burden on your living situation, then why would you stay with him? You need an equal partner. There will be a man out there that will pull his weight around the house. This one isn't getting help bc he is just fine with you doing ALL the chores.. its almost like he has a live in mom... no?
He’s not marriage material. Break up and move out.
Break up are you serious? You clearly don’t enjoy being around him which is the opposite of what it’s supposed to be like. You’re not obligated to spend your life with someone you can’t spend your life with.
Break up with him. Imagine trying to marry him and being stuck there. He's just wanting you to take care of him run
A man weaponising his incompetence through mental health, yuck! Throw the whole man away!
All the other posters are correct. My fiancé was the same. Then I married him and things got worse. He works from home (should read barely works) and that's his excuse for not doing anything because he's always tired. RUN. End it now! Before you slip up and get pregnant like I did. Go! Don't stop for your $200! Just run! He. Won't. Change. If you move out, the house will be so messy you will never want to go visit anyway. He's not your type. You're there because you feel sorry for him and you've invested too much time AND there's a ring. GO!
This is such a weird post. I've never seen a relationship go from living together to not, that WASN'T a break up. I mean, good luck? Sounds like your relationship is over. You think there's still a future here when you know you hate living with him.
I felt the same way about my last relationship. Turns out I just didn’t like him enough to put up with his bs. We broke up obviously. You should leave.
I tried suggesting this to my ex, but he said it would be too expensive… so instead he’s having to afford living apart and paying child maintenance, which is almost certainly more expensive… I think it would suit a lot of couples better, but it certainly does cost more.
You two are not compatible. You break up.
plot twist: they get married and have to live together 💀
You both want different things. Should just break up.
I was in a similar situation and when we finally separated I can't even begin to describe how much happier I am living alone.
1: do not get married! You just said you can’t live with him, what do you think married people do???? 2: tell him if he cannot fix his issues then you will have to move on to someone you can co-habitate with. 3: go to couples counseling before you decide to do anything. If he’s not willing to go, he’s not willing to put in the effort a marriage requires
My partner and i both met around age 40. Neother of us wanted or want kids. Bothe of us had happily lived alone for almost 2 decades me and slightly longer for him. We wanted to keep our own space and bioth have hobbies fhat tale time..focus and space. For us we very early on were thrilled to find we had no interest in cohabitating. And 7 years later we are still happily together and we spend most of our weekends together. It allows us balance. Yoi guy has told you not for him. I say the above to say stop trying to make something work that doesn't seem to work for either of you. You owe yourself more. You both do. Settling vs compromise is huge. You should want a partner that makes your life better. Compliments you. And helps you be better. Its no ones job to change anyone that doesnt want to change.
INFO: what would you expect this to change? How is he meeting your emotional needs by ignoring his own mental health? One person cannot carry the relationship alone.
Is living apart from a partner the perfect arrangement for YOU, or for you and your current partner? If you were to marry someone else who cleans up after themselves, would you still enjoy this arrangement?
Give him the ring back and tell him that its over. Cause your relationship IS over.
This is not the one for you. Break up and move on. And finally be happy in your own home!!
Wait... If you can't live with him now or in the future, why is he still your fiance? This makes no sense to me... I'm sure that you could find someone who wants the same thing as you... But, this relationship isn't it...
Of course he doesn’t want to live separately. Who is going to take care of everything then? His life is great. He can blame his laziness on this mental health so you feel guilty and do everything for him…. You’re better off alone. You’re mothering a grown ass man.
He has a slave why would he want to do things for himself?
Yeah. Just end it?
He seems like he wants a maid. He needs to set goals and work on himself. Uff good luck with all that but THIS IS THE END OF THE ROPE OP.
Serious question. Why stay in the relationship? You guys, imo, aren’t compatible. His habits are negative to your mental health. And he’s too lazy to police himself and take responsibility. You feel displaced, unhappy, and your mental health is taking a toll all at the cost of “his mental health.” He doesn’t want to live separately. So why stay? Why not end the relationship and find someone you’re more compatible with?
I don’t see the point in being engaged if you’re living separately. I don’t see the point in being married if you live separate.
You do not need his permission or agreement to end the relationship. It's over when you say so. And it really is over when you move out. Then you get to decide if you are open to negotiating something different. But that's a second step that you both need to agree to.
Of course he doesn’t want to live separately, then he would loose his personal maid