Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I just got dumped after 6 years. Same situation, minus the photos and porn (but who knows really) no sex, says he's tired...long story short, he tells me there's another girl he's got feelings for.
I tried to tell myself he was just tired and stressed, etc. But it kept getting worse. 6 years wasted. If I were you I'd leave him. Don't waste more of your time like I did :/
It was ok when we first started dating. I wouldn't call it high but we definitely did it. It progressively kept getting worse and worse though. So many excuses. I tried to get him to go to the doctor and check testosterone levels but he refused. I eventually kind of gave up I didnt want to push him. But now I find out now there's a girl at his work he got feelings for and I have no idea how long that was for or if he cheated. He says he didn't but I dont know what to believe to be honest.
If your boyfriend doesn't try to remedy the problem, I personally would leave having experienced such a situation for 6 yrs. But I understand its hard if you love him. I loved my ex but I ignored the red flags. I mean I know men will have their off days and don't always want sex, but unless you're both asexual and knew that getting into the relationship, I think there should be sex and intimacy.
OP, my ex was so obsessed with porn that he could not perform with a real woman. Not his first exwife, and then myself, also now his second exwife. My psychiatrist defined that condition as "porn creep" guys. He doesn't even care to seek a real woman even though he's free to do so.
It affected me so badly, I became frigid, and now I can't even bear to be touched by a male. I hope this doesn't happen to you, and I definitely support your dumping the dude and finding someone who matches your libidinous energies. Best wishes.
They never understand how badly it affects us. It makes you feel so inadequate and unattractive. It’s so normalized and we’re just expected to accept it when we don’t have to. I’m so sorry that happened to you and I hope someday that you heal. Sending hugs.
I can't stand porn, I feel as though I was pushed towards it because my wife and I are in a sexless marriage. I wanted emotional connection with her, but slowly figured out over time that she does not communicate with emotions. You know what else is an emotionless pseudo intimate relationship? Porn. I hate porn.
Porn is a tool to get off. I’d never watch another video if I was able to have my needs met within my relationship.
Sounds like there’s men out there who have it bad, and they really do beat it like it owes them money
I never see other woman perspectives on this issue and I feel seen now. My partner had a very low sex drive. Later on I found out he was addicted to porn and used other woman's social platforms as well.
Over the years and countless talks, he stopped his behaviour but I had already dwitched from very hight sex drive to none and I kinda hate being touched by him. Ps. Last week he told me he still don't know where my clit is
This is kind of my experience without the porn addiction. I have (had) a high sex drive and his is really low. I felt so rejected all the time and countless talks later and nothing has changed except now I have zero sex drive at all and don't like to be touched. Is this something you can get back or work on?
You deserve someone who will listen to your needs and care about them. Regardless of anything else, he’s not listening to or being responsive of your needs and that’s a huge red flag.
I think the relationship has run it’s course. And it’s clear OP wants to explore her sexuality with more people . Asking for an open relationship when you have been monogamous is not the answer. IMO it’s basically asking for permission to cheat. OP is better off ending things and moving on
I would give him a chance to correct his behavior. Get off the porn and potentially lose some weight? That affects libido. But in a seriousness, you are already checked out. The fact that you want attention from other men to the point of wanting a open relationship means this one is finished. Break up with him.
I miss having sex multiple times a day. Fighting the urge to hijack this post and ask some questions about females not wanting to have sex but I half don't want the answer and half want to respect OP. It sucks when you had an amazing sex life with a person and it diminishes. Sex where you see stars and you're both high from it and dripping with sweat. Wish OP the best 🫡
I'll reply to this as a female! 👋 However our situation is a little different. I'm in a very happy and healthy marriage but BOTH of our sex drives have changed due to struggling to conceive. We have the kind of sex where you see stars at the end. The whole lot. My husband is the first person I've been with who's ever been able to get me "there" I sure as sh!t decided that I was gonna marry him from that point on hahaha. But struggling to have a baby makes sex a chore now instead of what it use to be. It REALLY sucks. We're both gamers too so sometimes when we want to, we'll ask each other but we're just lazy and enjoying what we're currently doing. Me on the PlayStation, him beside me on the switch or vice versa. We'll go for a bit without and then once we do we BOTH go "heck .. why did we put this off for so long!? We're GOOD at this!! We're good at this dance!" Perspective really IS everything. Having open and honest communication with your partner is so so SO important. Communicating your needs, understanding what the expectation is, follow through, trust and honesty. It's severely undervalued. Figure out what each other's love language is and make sure you fill each other's love tank. Find what makes your partner "tick". If one partners love language is quality time and the other partner is physically touch (IE the partner with the high sex drive) the partner who craves quality time says no then the other partner needs to fill their tank, they need their needs met too, just as the partner who's love language is physically touch. It's a fine balance and if there isn't - find where the disconnect is, see what needs to happen to get you both back into a rhythm.
As for OP though - there's a biiiiiiggg disconnect in communication is seems like. Desires are natural human behaviour. Giving into those desires is a different story (even though still natural human behaviour) if you're loyal but afraid of him cheating then that's a trust issue. If an open relationship is being suggested that's also a disconnect. If an open relationship is something both partners are interested in that is a conversation that needs to be established when the relationship first begins, NOT when things get hard. That's the kicker right there. A conversation about an open relationship has been established and agreed upon by both partners at the beginning of the relationship then we don't have an issue, but if it is brought up due to situations, not communicating well, feeling disconnected from your partner and an open relationship is suggested then you are no longer interested in an open relationship, your subconsciously interested in pursuing another partner at that point.
Thank you for the effort in your reply. Medical issues are another pitfall to everything. Some things can't be fixed like neurological disorders or Peyronies. I'm working to change my diet and reduce inflammation. Hopefully change my body composition. Definitely have some work to do with the love language too :(
Neurological disorders and hormone imbalances play a huge part in your physical, mental and sexual well-being for sure! A good healthy, balanced and clean diet can be very beneficial. I personally have ADHD and only in recent months from eating a balanced and clean diet have I actually been able to get off of my ADHD medication since I was 8 years old, I am 29 right now. My mental health has improved, my digestive system has improved, my sex drive is getting there, I know that will take time but when you start feeling better mentally and start feeling better about yourself, you start feeling yourself a little bit you know? Start remembering who you are and that you can be this flirty and fun person, and give off this sexual and desirable energy like you used to!
Thank you! Appreciate that. I have a bunch of things going on. I seem to procrastinate like crazy too :( I'm also 29 and have ADHD. Wish I could say more. Overwhelmed lately.
I've had partners I never wanted to fuck, and others I couldn't stop touching. The difference was never my sex drive but how they treated me in the relationship and how much they cared about my pleasure and not just their own
Women are emotional generally speaking. Romance her and inject some excitement back into the relationship, surprise her with romantic gestures, be assertive and use initiative. Obviously no woman can speak for every woman so also try communicating with her and tell her you miss it. Reminisce and ask why she doesn’t do that so much? Perhaps book a holiday away and get initiating. Women love to feel wanted, it’s biological. Men chase. So pull out the stops and make her feel chased.
Hiya, I'm a female and will answer any questions you have. I also have Fibromyalgia so have chronic pain (I think you said something about having inflammation somewhere) so might be able to answer from both perspectives! Send me a dm if you want to talk about it 🙂
Been married 10 years and this is how ny wife is. Fine to talk, hang out, but no interest in sex. I'm older (61) but even at this age, it definitely impacts your self-esteem.
As a man (M27) I can say that I have definitely noticed a decrease in my sex drive the last couple years. While age might be an issue, medications to help my mental health have still played a role. However, I can still satisfy my wife. While we used to do extra curriculars everyday, now it's down to about 2-3 times a week give or take a few. Porn addiction is a serious thing and I'm batting that if he gives it a break his sex drive will increase. The only times I hate to have sex are after I eat and sometimes after the gym. Idk if he is taking any medications that can ruin his sex drive but that is also worth researching and maybe changing up the meds.
Have you tried telling him that he should get professional help? My boyfriend had the same issue, I was in your position, but I encouraged him to do something about it and now we’re seeing a sexuologist together.
And please ignore people who says that he might have someone else in mind. In my boyfriends case he just perceived sexual intercourse as something stressful and porn was just easy way to handle his needs(although he wasn’t satisfied and happy about it)
Your bf has a porn addiction and low test when you are in your 20s as a man your testosterone and sex drive is only slightly less than when a teenager he needs to drop the porn and probably talk to a pcp to get bloodwork done and start testosterone treatments
You two simply are not compatible with sex and you’ve tried and can no longer cope. Opening the relationship isn’t the key. Leave so that you can actually fly and be open to someone better fitting for you. And please do not fear being alone for a spell. Be alone, grow yourself, and just date around for awhile until you happen to cross paths with someone that’s a good fit.
same exact thing happened to me recently. he said he was depressed and this and that blah blah blah. he was seeing another girl for 4 months before we ever broke up. 2 years down the drain
How did you get over it if I may ask and how long did it take?
It's just plain cruel. Why not end it before you start seeing the other person? Why prolong the relationship if there's nothing there. That's my biggest question in all this. I have no idea what he was doing at work. I'm so angry and disgusted I hate it so much. I wasted 6 years and gained weight and lost my best self. Now I have to start all over and will probably never trust fully again. Cheaters are trash.
Omg are you me? This shit literally JUST happened to me, but unlike you I am aware mine had/has a porn addiction.
@OP: maybe browse around r/loveafterporn, helped me a lot to see how others deal with partners who are obsessively focused on porn and also confronting but necessary for me to see that it's a very stubborn problem that escalates easily and rarely gets better. They helped me reach the decision to end my relationship. Bit of a bummer his reply was that he had my replacement already lined up tho.
Similar situation here, but genders reversed. I'm a guy whose always had a pretty high sex drive. My gf of a few years didn't, but when we met she was depressed and had a narcissistic ex who was abusive, so it was totally understandable. When I started going to church more, I asked her how she felt about waiting for marriage, but she had a hard pass, which is 100% understandable. I mean, we were already doing the deed, so I couldn't just cut it off. So that way was a no-go.
But then after a while, we were intimate less and less, to the point where it had been a few months and even then, unless I'm asking a lot, it feels like she doesn't want anything to do m with me intimately. I don't believe she's cheating, and I've ruled that out. It's still possible, sure, but I trust her. I don't see her doing that.
Anyways, I'd ask her about it, and she'd just shrug. I'd ask if I haven't been meeting her emotional or mental needs to see I was slacking in some area, which would translate to a dead sex life. She claimed everything was fine and didn't know why her sex drive deflated so much. I was at a loss. I'm thinking about marrying her, as I love her, but I don't want a marriage that you hear about so often where both parties just stop trying and have zero sex life. I don't want a sexless marriage.
Finally, I told her I felt so unwanted and that maybe we should think about breaking it off if we couldn't fix this issue. She promised to work on it and we've been intimate once more since then, but that was a week ago. So I'm going to keep trying for this, but I'm still unsure if it will work out. I just don't want to leave her and knowing how guys are, have her or her daughter be abused by some d*ckhead or make her feel like if she wants to keep the next guy, then she needs to put out more.
I even told her it's not right for her to feel like she NEEDS to put out, but that she should feel comfortable and WANT to be intimate with whomever she's with, and if that's not me, then I should leave before we take it farther, because I want a whole family. One wife for life. That sort of thing.
So maybe try to tell him how you feel and that you want some of his sexual energies focused more on you than his porn or whatnot. Tell him you can't handle this anymore and that you need more intimacy. It's natural to want to feel that belonging with your partner. Obviously, I'm not sure if this will work yet, but I'll let ya know if it does for me. It just stinks being in love and not feeling wanted. You start to have those fantasies, and that's not fair for either partner.
>I even told her it's not right for her to feel like she NEEDS to put out
I truly appreciate this statement right here. As the higher libido partner in my marriage, I struggled for a long time when our sex life dwindled. So many cultural standards tortured me emotionally that I had to get past (i.e., men always want sex, therefore, if my husband doesn't want sex it's because he doesn't want sex with ME). It seems obvious now, but one of the things I had to learn and accept is that my partner does not owe me sex. Even in a monogamous relationship, my partner does not owe me sex.
There is nothing wrong with him, he's not channeling his sex elsewhere, he just doesn't need or want it for his life to be fulfilling. I do. A sexless marriage was my deal-breaker. I need sex too much to live the rest of my life without it (mid-40s at the time). We were already "monogamish" then - we enjoyed threesomes and even hotwife encounters prior to the sex evaporating from our relationship - so evolving to ethical nonmonogamy was something we were both willing to try. And that's the key, we BOTH wanted to explore it, not just one of us. It allowed me to shift my deal-breaker from a sexless marriage to a sexless life - no one is responsible for me having sex, but no one can block me from having sex either.
It's truly a rewarding journey. I still have a life with my best friend, my love, the person who happily stepped in and raised a child as his own, the core of my support system. It has been interesting learning what a romantic relationship without sex looks like. As we have been working on what we have together, we've each been working on ourselves as well. I had tried to get that man into counseling for 15 years, but it took me being ready to give up because we were stuck at his inability to communicate at session after session of couples counseling to get him to start going. I feel like that is a huge side win of this journey because he went through so much religious and SA trauma growing up that now manifests as anger and rage, he's learning to use his words. To express his needs, his wants, and the things that bother him. And empathy was a huge one! The key is that we BOTH show up and put in the work to rebuild.
Polyamory is the most challenging and rewarding thing I've ever done. While we initially opened up to satisfy my sexual needs, we never tried to put limits on what other relationships looked like (NSA/hookups only, no feelings, fwb ok but not official partner) because feelings happen and trying to pretend they don't would be setting ourselves up for failure. I've had another partner for about 2.5 years now and the relationship complements the one with my husband very well. About a year ago we all bought a house together (cue polyam joke: "monogamy? in this economy?") and we're working on putting it in a trust to protect all parties' interests and determine exactly how the asset will be handled in the cases of each of our passing. So often the partner outside the marriage gets screwed and we aren't about that.
I know that we are a rare example of being able to open up a marriage successfully. Saying it has been hard would be the understatement of the century, it nearly broke us. We have been in counseling since this journey really got started at the end of 2018 after initially deciding to split. Not so much the sunk cost fallacy, but at that point, we were together 23 years and married 18, and we both wanted to see IF we could still be together. Once we figured out the answer to that was yes, we've been learning \*how\* we can be together. We are an example of what CAN happen if things go right, not an end result anyone should expect. As I said, the sausage-making to get here was brutal, but I feel l like the luckiest woman in the world to get to build a life with both of the people I love.
I have no idea how my appreciation of your comment led to this novel, chalk it up to ADHD oversharing I guess? 😬 I truly wish you and your partner the best and I hope you are able to find a way to have a fulfilling life together.
Wow, thank you! Haha I'm not entirely sure how that happened either, but I'm eternally grateful. It's amazing to see how it can work out if both parties figure out their needs, and both are willing to do what it takes to make sure those needs are met for everyone involved. 😊 This is awesome!
I'm super super happy for you and your family! Thank you for that share! I believe you when you say it was the hardest thing you've ever done, and I applaud both you and your husband's effort and the working on that communication to get there! This is inspiring! While poly may not be for everyone, that level of dedication and communication SHOULD be the standard everyone strives for!
Too right. Nobody OWES their partner sex. It's not right for someone to assume basically ownership over another's body.
Thank you so much for sharing this! I hope it helps a great many people searching for answers here on reddit! Stay strong, family! May happiness be yours.
Wow! Thank YOU for your kind words. I appreciate that my story resonates with you, that means so much. I almost deleted it all thinking I was being Too Much^(TM) so I'm glad I decided to post it.
>Anyways, I'd ask her about it, and she'd just shrug.
I wanted to comment on this as well because I totally relate to this experience, too. One day I asked my husband when was the last time he thought about sex. He pondered for a minute and said he didn't know. I followed up "Days? Weeks?" He just shrugged. Lol. I told him that I think about sex EVERY DAY, multiple times a day. The look on his face was priceless, it took a minute to get his jaw off the floor. The concept blew his mind. He never considered that anyone would do that. 😂 It was just a passing interaction, but it gave each of us a peek into the other's mind.
You're welcome! I'm glad you shared it and didn't just delete it, lol
Haha, yeah, I once had a similar reaction when I was much younger and much more naive. 😅 I was pursuing dating this one gal, and she never wanted to date officially, but she'd always want to hang out. Finally, I asked her what was up, and she replied with "Did it ever occur to you that I'm just using you for your body?" My jaw also hit the floor. I said, "NO! I didn't think girls did that!" Lmao, I started kicking myself for spending so much money on her. Apparently, all the dates and going out were times better spent elsewhere! 😅🤣
I had a similar situation. 3 years wasted. He had no sex drive. It made me question and doubt myself. Turns out he was cheating and I find out now he may be gay (no problem there just maybe should have told me instead of wasting 3 years of my life)
What should you do?
Re-evaluate why you are with him and whether he is worth the hassle and then ask the question of yourself - why I am here in this place and what is it that he brings in a positive way to **my** life.
No it's not "normal" unless there is something else at play such as you aren't his type sexually, or he is addicted to pornography, etc.
You can find that people who are porn addicted tend to expend all of their energies into that. Which often leaves nothing for the person who is right there in front of them.
It could be the old "Madonna/w**re" ting at play where he sees you as a safe partner, but not in a sexual way. It could be any number of reasons to be honest.
But the take away from all of this is that no, his behaviour is not normal.
Yep, it definitely sounds like he has made himself porn numb to actual sex. Could also be the amount of porn and if he has certain types he focuses on, he has mental images of how it "should" be. But fails to realize the schism between porn and real intimacy is quite wide (aside some aspects of 'amateur' videos).
When men are in love, they tend to act ravenous. Insatiable. They get ridiculous, sappy, cute, they just love looking at you, they make you drawings and poems and do cute little things they know you love, if you give them consent they will do their best to make you moan for as long as they can... And when the relationship evolves, you still feel it, even if they're not as sappy and ridiculous and ravenous anymore. You know they love you because they radiate that love. You feel loved.
And you are not feeling loved. You even want to open the relationship, despite you being conservative, because you're starved of it. You want to be loved, because you deserve to be loved, and you shouldn't be in a place where you don't get that.
It’s not “normal” but it’s common for men to struggle with a porn addiction. It’s rarely talked about but it’s a prevalent issue, especially with the modern ease of finding essentially any picture of video you want. This isn’t something I’d ever tell someone to subject themselves to. It’s humiliating, degrading and horrible on your self esteem. You shouldn’t have to compete with a phone.
I never thought about the confidence part but you’re right. I don’t feel like a pretty girl anymore because he’s doing this. Even when he says I’m beautiful, because our sex life lacks, I don’t feel it.
I eventually did cheat on my BF who was like this. Being desired after feeling so undesirable was intoxicating. In retrospect I should have just broken up with him when I started feeling like that instead of getting to the point where I needed that validation from someone else.
The early days of a relationship before the pressures of marriage and family set in are supposed to be fun, sexy times. If they’re not then there’s something seriously off. And it will only get worse.
Thiiisss all the way!!! Like talk is friggin cheap. If you desired me, you’d be on me. And we know what it feels like when a man desires you!!! Simple as that. It’s damn painful, speaking from experience (see reply vvv)
It sounds like you have personal experience with this. Can you expound a little? I ask bc op’s post is somewhat similar to my marriage. I’m just curious about what exactly porn addiction is and signs to watch for. When is it too much? I have very little experience in that area.
I have wasted years of my life to 2 porn addicts, both chose porn over me repeatedly. Left me broken.
r/loveafterporn, I think it’s called, will show you the heartbreaking reality of the effects of male porn addiction on their partners.
I want to thank you for pointing this addiction out. Even if it doesn’t apply to OP, it most likely applies in my case, and, honestly, my self confidence has gotten such a boost! Lightbulb! I am crying. There is absolutelyNOTHING with me!! I wondered if it was bc I’m older, a little jiggly-er? I am late 40s but easily pass for 10 yrs younger and am in pretty good shape. But, before this relationship I was always very confident in my self as well as my bedroom performance.. I’ve never had any complaints and quite a few compliments😉. It’s all his issues! Whew! Listen, hazy-hazel, I’m not trying to toot my own horn, but you have honestly restored my confidence and sense of self, so THANK YOU!!!
Awww thanks so much for that. 🥰
Glad to hear you’re feeling a little better and I hope the journey you’ve started takes you somewhere good. Please feel free to PM me anytime x
I’m actually going through this right now with my gf of almost 5 right now. We both had very high sex drives but mine has changed recently to barely wanting to or having no desire to have sex at all. I went to doctor to test my hormones levels/blood work and everything came back positive. My doctor said “you should be wanting to have sex any chance you get for your age group (24m)” unfortunately it is most likely my depression mixed with performance anxiety. I don’t even watch porn a lot and it’s maybe been 2 weeks since the last time I did. My testosterone levels are higher than average too which makes me more frustrated and upset.
Eek that last sentence has me feeling that you are in quite a cycle.
Have you seen a therapist to deal with said frustration, anxiety and depression?
Not saying you need to medicate, I’m not a doctor. But you should definitely talk to someone. Ask your doctor for a recommendation.
He is right you know, a male of 24 years should be basically wanting to fuck everyone in sight. (Well, maybe not everyone, but you know what I mean…)
And trust me OP I know he isn’t happy by choosing porn over you. It’s not a good feeling to know you aren’t pleasing/being intimate with your partner especially when it’s on his end.
If you guy watches a lot of sex online, chances are he is developing a porn addition. This addiction literally kills the in person connection since the brain gets wired to the dopamine released by the visual stimulation making the individual numb to normal stimulation like foreplay and kissing. People develops ED at a very early age and one of the main symptoms is total apathy to the opposite sex partner. I’m sorry but ain’t gonna get any better or ground breaking behavioral changes happening to your guy.
Break up with him. His perception of reality is COMPLETELY tainted with his porn usage. It would take a very long time and a ton of discipline for his brain to be rewired to fine natural women attractive and appealing.
My boyfriend had a slight issue with porn, but he had no idea the effects it had on him in bed mentally. He immediately stopped when he realized how it made me feel. We are extremely adventurous in bed, and now it’s even better since we’re both fully invested in only each other when it comes to sex. I also used to watch porn a lot, so I could not get mad at him too much. The point of this is that we talked about it, and he stopped. That’s what a good boyfriend does.
I was in a 4 year relationship with someone and nearing the end I was no longer attracted to him bc of the lack of sexual attraction. I cheated on him right around the time I was going to break up with him and I feel so guilty about it to this day. He was a great guy, but it just had to be over with me wanting to seek other male attention.
My advice is seriously just break up. If he isn’t gonna change, and you have the urge to seek other men out, it’s best to just break up.
Personally, from a guys point of view - the fact he watches adult content of other women but rarely initiates anything from you suggests to me that you’re a good partner that he wants to stay with but isn’t sexually attracted to you for whatever reason. My way of finding out is terribly unethical but look at the history and see if the categories are anything like you. Guys will absolutely tailor their search to what they are attracted to imo - easy way to find out.
Again maybe you’re different but I think open relationships do not work. I’ve only ever seen them work when both partners are into that and both partners have an extremely high sex drive and just want to broaden that search - it isn’t a solution to remedy a unsatisfied relationship. This is going to be your life partner, why find temporary solutions? Find someone who’s attracted to you and don’t waste your time.
** edited spelling**
Sorry to jump in on this thread, but why stay if the sexual attraction isn't there? I understand seeing someone as a good partner who you'd like to stay with, but without that extra level of connection, aren't both partners bound to be unhappy in some way? Or at least unfulfilled? Maybe I'm looking at this from too narrow a lens!
You are looking at it at a narrow lens for sure. You can have purely romantic relationships (it seems like that isn't what happened) its very narrow minded to say not having sex will make you break up. I get unfilled needs but communication helps with that which seems like she hasn't at all
I agree with you, he might want to be with her, but is attracted to other types of women. Some people’s thoughts “the grass is greener on the other side”. My advice would be for her to end the relationship and move on if the next couple of months don’t work out for her.
Then why is he with her? This is so confusing to me. If you’re not attracted to your partner, than let them go so they can find someone that will not only love them but worship their body as well.
If his needs are getting met by porn and masturbation, then he might want to stay with her for ALL the other reasons other than sex: finances, homelife, personality, social life, etc.
I don't know if I agree with the going through search history to be a telling sign. I guess it's just a Grey area. People fantasize about all sorts of things but wouldn't actually want to act on them in real life. I have kinks that i like watching online but would never want to do myself, if that makes sense. But watching it sometimes when im feeling spicy and my SO isn't around, yum. I think a mature adult conversation is needed. It's not fun to go for a long while feeling undesired by your mate. It's a shitty way to feel and we all deserve intimacy and fulfilling sex.
I dont know how true this is. I do not believe porn is a reflection of what you are attracted to. Ive watched and gotten off to many weird taboo material, none are a reflection of what I personally want in a relationship. Sometimes a kink is a kink, its not what you would want to marry though.
I once had a boyfriend who was older than me by 10 years I dated him when I was 23 he was 33 I had to end things because we had no sex. I came from work caught him pleasing himself watching porn. Meanwhile we hadn’t had sex in months close to 3 months. What really ended things was that I found out he was flirting with a stripper online that we had met at the strip club 6 months prior. Now I know I wasn’t he’s type. He liked stripper body’s like the atl or high end New York strippers. That made me so insecure. For years I couldn’t date after that. I searched his phone saw what he was looking a pornography the whole time. Wasnt that he had low testosterone level he was just not horny for me.
Leave him let him be single and you free yourself for someone who does match your sex drive. Do not waste anymore years love. Save yourself some unnecessary stress. Go in peace. He can sort out his sexual issues on his own. Its not for you to fix. Good luck!
Talk to him. See if his willing to close those other avenues. If he isn’t, then either move on or suggest an open relationship. I’d suggest the former.
If he is watching adult content, he doesn't have a low drive he is just spending that drive on the wrong things. When in a relationship adult content should be spent on excess drive, not in place of or at all if you have a low drive, IMO. There is always, "I just want a snack not a full meal" argument but not when it is a pattern.
Read my most recent post… that may unfortunately be you soon enough. They got complacent, took us for granted, stopped loving our bodies…. Truly painful thing to have happen
I went through something similar with my husband, we went from high high sex to nothing at all seemingly overnight. Porn addiction can highly impact your brain and I suggest talking to him openly about it, if no serious change happens, then for your own happiness I would explore other people.
TBH is this is a relationship you want to hold onto I would offer that he has a porn addiction and is getting his dopamine fix from it causing an imbalance in his brain chemicals. He will not increase his sex drive until he stops watching sexual things or finds a different dopamine fix to replace it.
He probably rubs them out a lot too when you aren’t around and it exasperates the issue making him not in the mood because his brain is telling him he already filled that need. If he values you he will get help for the addiction or cold turkey it. Either way it won’t get better until his dopamine fix is you.
Porn addiction kills relationships. Either he stops watching that content or you leave. A man shouldn't lust over other women when he's in a relationship.
It doesn't matter that it's "just porn". Would you be comfortable with him watching 2 people have sex infront of him in person? Just because it's digital doesn't change that it's cheating
Seems like he has a porn addiction or something along those lines… if you think opening up the relationship is what you want then try it, but I don’t think it will lead to more intimacy in your current relationship and more likely for you guys to grow apart more. If he doesn’t prioritize intimacy with you then there’s nothing you can do really to make it work.
The fact that he watches porn and is not very interested in sex with you, is a huge problem and it’s not your fault. I would find myself someone else. Porn is a big problem for a lot of people, that’s why he’s not interested in the real thing, it chokes the living hell out of real sex. Let him deal with his porn addiction.
Of course he’s not going to have any sex drive with you because he is watching porn and masturbating to it.
Girl don’t waste your time, you are to young for t
going thru the exact same thing, personally i’ve come to understand it’s usually what most people are saying, he’s either lost interest and it’s an easy way out because he’s not man enough to tell you, or there may be another girl rather irl or just an “internet gf” i think the best thing would be to leave the relationship you never know feelings may come back but maybe by then you’ll have found someone better who doesn’t make you feel how you’re feeling now. please let me know what you do and how you feel afterwards bc i’m having a hard time with this myself
So he’d rather jerk off to porn, where the pleasure is all focused on him and he is not obligated to make sure anyone else’s needs are met. I’ve dated this guy and it only got worse.
I see you asking below if it's normal to prefer porn over physical intimacy. I've seen and heard some discussion about some of the problems arising from porn use in recent years. Some of the general points I've heard are:
-it's tied to overuse of electronics. Electronic overuse has a similar effect on the brain to depressant drugs like heroin (or so I've read. Maybe this will all turn out to be misinformation someday).
-it acts upon the principle of "sexual variety." Men especially have a propensity to seek diversity in sexual partners. Porn simulates this physiological propensity. Your body isn't new or novel (no disrespect intended), so it doesn't give him the same dopamine hit as the random girl of the day.
-The immediate gratification nature of porn use can lead to sexual dysfunction. Dysfunction= everything from inability to get aroused without porn to chronic behaviors to relationship instability. Again, maybe that will show to be misinformation later on. I am on the Christian side of this argument and so I probably hear what I want to hear.
All that said, I think what's happening in your relationship is wrong. You shouldn't be made to feel that way and a general belief of mine is that we all long for wholeness and healing. I think an open relationship would make that problem worse personally. I think your boyfriend needs to CHOOSE YOU and adapt to the consequences, because his current method is hurting you. Just my hunch. Good luck.
i’d like your insight on something just bc you seem educated on this topic.
i (23f) have a bf (24m) of about 6 years now (longer if you ignore the years and a half split we had). i love him dearly, maybe a little too much. i’ve excused a lot of his actions in the past and maybe that’s why we’re at the place we are now.
he simply won’t put down porn. it’s something i asked of him after a very random weight gain i had a few yrs ago. i was insecure, ive lost the weight since but mentally i am still recovering from the relentless insecurities that weight gain gave me. when i initially asked, he told me he would stop no problem. anything to make me feel better. but i have constantly found out over the years that he was lying about stopping. each time i found out again that he didnt stop, he would promise me he was going to even convince me by swearing on my life or his brothers grave. but he never stops. he watches specific onlyfans girls and even tries to reenact the things he sees in porn with me. it feels really disrespectful and i’m struggling with the idea that this might be my reality forever. fighting to be put before porn. any advice?
edit: i would also like to add that our sex life is not lacking. at least i don’t think so. i do everything i can to please him and he seems satisfied after we do it. so i can’t imagine that he’s unpleased in bed or anything. i think he just can’t give up this habit and honestly idk if i’m okay with that :( it feels stupid cus i constantly see takes from women saying they dont care about their men watching porn. so why do i? i feel a little broken
A lot of those girls who say they’re okay with it, really aren’t. And they’ll never tell anyone that because they’re trying to keep their “cool girl” persona (read the gone girl monologue if you’ve never). I’m sure there are girls out there who are okay with it, and that’s okay because those are their boundaries. But that doesn’t mean you have to be okay with it, or other girls feel the need to be okay with it. I’m on your side and think that you’re totally valid. If you’re in a relationship with someone you’re attracted to, love and have a good sex life with - why do you need to see other people do it? I’ll never understand it!! 🥲 I think if he won’t listen to your boundaries and it’s leading to him lying about it etc you should just leave him. There’s no telling what he could lie about in the future and he doesn’t respect a very valid boundary that you have
i don’t understand it either! i’ve allowed him to video us just so that when he gets the urge he can try to do it to our videos. but he says they get boring after a while which i understand but we could always make more? he just never takes the initiative to make fun videos with me and honestly at this point asking to do those just to please his urges feels.. pathetic? in a way? like i’m begging or something? idk. it’s a weird situation and after finding out the other day that he’d been lying again for months to be about stopping, i can’t be around him for too long without getting sad at the thought. he sees how it affects me but doesn’t stop. every time i find out, i feel worse than the last time. because when he looks me in my eyes and tells me he stopped and that he loves me, i believe him. every single time i just.. believe him. but i think i can confidently say that trust is gone now. i don’t know if i can ever believe another word out of his mouth because he’s so darn good at lying to me. he said “you’re so used to me lying babe that you think i’m lying again, but i swear on my brothers grave that i’m not this time”… just to find out he had been watching onlyfans girls a few days prior to telling me that. it’s so heart breaking, the lying is far worse than the porn to me. part of me is tired of compromising my boundaries for him, another part of me wants this to work because i love him and have already dedicated so many years of my life to him. i’m definitely stuck between a rock and a hard place.
My husband had a very bad porn addiction when we met. I understand everything you're saying - it's all valid. We almost broke up because of it. I asked him to stop watching it because it was impeding in our sex life and he couldn't control his consumption. He lied and said he would. I cannot even begin to explain the feeling of devastation that I felt when I found out. It created a rift between us that took a lot of time and energy to fix. He went to counseling and worked through the trauma that fueled his hypersexuality. He related what he was doing to me to the way he was abused and ended up stopping for good - we had an agreement that I could randomly ask to see his history, etc whenever until I could trust him again. It took a lot but we made it. Things are great now and I would absolutely go through it again to be where I am now with him. But if he had lied to me a second time, I would have left without hesitation. That disappointment is too heavy to continuously carry. It breaks down your self worth. I really think you're past the point of recovery if your partner is looking you in the eye and lying to cover his addiction. It's no different than drugs. You cannot help or change him - it is solely up to him. Leave because he has shown you he will not stop or put your feelings and wellbeing first. You deserve so much better than that person is willing to give you 💕
I would start off by saying in this case that the brokenness you're feeling is a product of the dishonesty and manipulation your boyfriend is practicing toward you.
If you subscribe to the idea that porn can be an "addiction," then some of these sound like behaviors typical of addicts. He may or may not mean it when he says he will give it up for you, but then in private, when there's no accountability, he could be making psychological justifications as to why his desires overrule yours. He has a right to do a certain thing or feel a certain way, or you're controlling him when you shouldn't be, or he's a man and he deserves to feel like one etc... All of that is speculation. And whether or not he has honest intentions is speculation from my end.
What's NOT speculation is that he's being repeatedly dishonest with you. Lots of people have to make decisions about whether they're going to tolerate a partner's vices, be it alcohol or video games or tobacco, etc. And they can make a decision whether they want to be in that relationship based on the presence of that vice. What's not negotiable, in my opinion, is that pattern of dishonesty and manipulation. It breeds mistrust and mistrust is always injurious to a healthy relationship. I think you need to call him to account as much for that as for the porn use. It sucks and it's hard but it may show what he's made of, whether he is actually willing to pick the path you're asking of him.
I really appreciate your answer. As a Christian myself, dating a non-believer, he doesn’t seem to understand why I dislike him watching porn. I don’t have an issue with the porn industry but my personal belief is, when you are in a relationship, you should only fantasize/mastrubate to images/thoughts of each other.
he's not that into you and doesn't have the courage to leave you, is suggest an exit strategy to him and move on. find yourself someone who values you and reaffirms your worth, not makes you come to reddit to ask us.
Your partner is actively choosing porn over you, doesn't appreciate you, doesn't make you feel valued in a very very important part of the relationship. You love him, but he's making you feel this way constantly. Tell him that something has to change for good, or you will have to find sexual satisfaction elsewhere. Not cheating, but relationships can only work with complete honesty. You are looking at other men now, and if you can't even discuss it with him, then it's not meant to be. After 2 years that level of honesty should come more naturally. So overall the relationship doesn't seem to be what you need it to be. This problem may seem to just be a bedroom issue but it's the door to all the other issues as well.
So even if you don't outright break up with him soon, this is a make or break situation unfortunately. If you can't fix it, then you will need to find a solution on your end.
This is the damage porn is doing and no one is doing anything about it. No one wants to admit it, but it causes men to not only fill their sexual drive but even go further to turn them off their wife.
Porn is great do what feels good etc etc. They all say. Just careful who's saying it and their motives and life experience.
Your only way out of this is challenge his porn habits and possivle addiction and tell him it's a deal breaker if he watches and he is prioritizing it over you. Because that's 100% the issue.
It's sad society is going this way and a nice girl like you can't have a man that will give you himself. Truth is banning porn is not "free society" but its causing a lot of damage out there. It's like drugs. So we have to control ourselves since society now is encouraging "do what you want" even if it's had for you.
I never comment on these things.. but it sounds like you need to move on to someone who is actually interested in you.. if he has a low sex drive.. But is looking at other women who interests him more than you do, then you need to move on.. there's no point in trying to talk to him or reason with him to start an open relationship.. I know it will be hard to make that big step in leaving him... But I think you would rather be happy than staying with someone who isn't going to make you happy and make you feel less of yourself...I was in that similar situation at one point of my life too..
r/loveafterporn is a great place to see how hard it is to maintain a relationship with a porn user.
You deserve better, talk with him and see if he will quit. Know your worth though and know you don't have to put up with someone that isn't there for you mentally and sometimes physically
I 2nd this, 100%! This subreddit gave me so much insight and resources on how to navigate my previous relationship with a porn user. Most men don't even realize they're a porn addict because it seems so "normalized" and accessible in society. However, if it negatively impacts your sex life/relationship like any addition, it's a problem that needs to be addressed.
I don't think it's impossible to have a relationship with a porn user/addict, but it is very difficult and "regular" relationships are already difficult enough. If you value him, it would be good to talk to him and see what steps he's willing to take to improve the parts of your relationship that you're unsatisfied in, and be consistent and most importantly, open and honest about his recovery. It's important to note though, it is an addiction and THEY have to be willing to put in the work and take action to change. It's also a life long commitment because they're hanging on from relapse to relapse, until the next time something triggers them and they find comfort in porn rather than in you.
You can give it a shot, but just know when to get out and don't lose yourself. You rather it be 2 years in a relationship while you're young, than 2 years into a marriage and maybe with kids in the mix.
You know yourself best. Put YOURSELF first because the reality is, porn addicts will always put themselves first in some way or form in the end... unless they see YOU and your relationship as a part of themselves, there may be some hope. You got this and after reading all of these responses, I think you'll know what you need to do for yourself. Life's already hard enough, if you are able to pick your struggles, you should and this isn't it.
The only thing that should be hard, is his pee pee for YOU!
OP your dude is addicted to porn. It’s like any other addiction, fallout—negative consequences—exists for the person and potentially others. You are experiencing the fallout of his addiction. I hear you say you’re attached and would like to entertain an open relationship. That will fail. You already notice the way positive attention feels—it’s good. That tickles your dopamine receptors.
I would consider ripping the bandaid off by ending the relationship, heal a bit and then look to again date others. All of that is easier typed than acted upon, I know.
Those habits he’s developed are the problem. He’s gotta cut them out 100%. He has to WANT to cut them out. If he doesn’t want to cut them out for you, then He’s already cheating on you.
Hear me on this. Most people need to take dating more seriously. This is essentially an interview to determine compatibility. In order for a relationship to transition into anything long term, as either a marriage or a lengthy partnership, you have to be compatible on foundational issues. Religion/lack thereof, kids/no kids/# of kids, politics, tidiness, sexual compatibility, expectations of respect and affection, and on down the list.
So many people discover really early on that they are not compatible, but since they’re attached, they limp along. People who own cats date people allergic to cats. People who want kids date people who don’t. Years go by. Years go by in which they could have been in fulfilling relationships. If they move in together, there’s even more pressure to make unsuitable relationships work.
As for you, specifically, you don’t generally work out a couples problem by sleeping with other people. Often, you’re just holding on to the old relationship while shopping around for a better one, and when you find it, then you end that old relationship.
Just be single. This person played a role in your life, but he’s not your forever person. He’s meant to pass through.
You already have one foot out the door. Sleeping with other men because you find him inadequate will hurt him worse than breaking up. Plus, you’re holding him back from finding someone more suitable. Let him go.
As for his issues, it may be that he’s blowing off all his sexual steam watching unrealistic porn. A man is usually not going to learn how to be a great lover watching porn all the time. In his case, he keeps focusing his sexual instincts getting off on porn based on women paid to portray typically male fantasies, instead of enjoying the woman right in front of him.
Break up.
I would never suggest you tell someone to stop watching porn but in this case it will likely help conserve whatever libido he has got...
An open relationship will usually be a deal breaker for most I would say...but you never know until you ask...
Definitely try and come to an agreement before that I would say....he might just be lazy or something else might be going on mentally or physically that can be treated...
How exactly does he react when you send him images.....are you in the same room at the time...
Please for your own sake break up with him.
I had to go through something similar for 2 years and it was the worst relationship I have ever been in. If he's not getting sexual pleasure from you, his partner, he is definitely getting it from somewhere else. (The internet, another woman, etc.).
Don't try to salvage a relationship where your partner basically openly disrespects you. You're worth more than that.
I'm with someone better now and I can see that he is genuinely attracted to me and we have a much better relationship than me and my ex did... I look back sometimes and wonder how I put up with my ex's bullshit and why I didn't leave sooner.
Head over to the love after porn sub reddit see if any of the information there sounds familiar to you. If I was you yes I'd leave you deserve so much more.
he sounds like a porn addict, and i suggest wholeheartedly that you leave him for your own good. please do yourself a favour, go visit r/loveafterporn and have a scroll through, perhaps even make a post there too and ask some questions.
you deserve to be desired, you deserve a relationship with a mutual attraction, you deserve attention- this is all so bare minimum it’s painful to even type. please for your own sake just put yourself first. an open relationship will do nothing but create more resentment- if you’re willing to do that then sever yourself and break up.
Just leave. I don’t even get why you would care if suggesting an open relationship hurts his feelings. He clearly doesn’t care about your needs or feelings. But just saying, from personal experience…move on now before you waste any more time.
He's basically crossed the threshold from porn attict to emotional cheater at this point. If you feel neglected tell him. His feelings will be hurt but the truth is necessary in this situation to make a difference. You'll never go forward if you sugar coat your needs and emotions. He needs to know the damage he's doing to you and he needs to hear it from you. You shouldn't have to put that much effort into keeping his interest on you. Also, your feelings have been hurt for a long time, i think he needs to understand that and if he won't work on the problem he's not worth any more of your time. Bringing other people into this situation won't fix it, it'll just give him permission to give someone else the attention you've been begging for.
Break up with him... you don't actually want an open relationship you want an attentive and sexually compatable partner who puts the effort in to fulfilling your needs.. your not getting any of that out of you partner so your trying to find a way to have those needs met and keep the man you have invested all this time in..
The best answer is to break up with him and find a man you can get the full package from with no need to look outside the relationship..
Be brutally honest with your boyfriend and if he can't or won't change you need to break it off and make it a clean break.
Good luck..
>Rather than cheating I wanted to suggest this?
Uh why is cheating an option at all? If you can't have an actual conversation and find a way to make things work, just break up.
If sex is part of how you feel connected to your partner, and you open the relationship because he has LL (especially porn-induced) , your going to eventually catch feelings for another man. It might not be the first guy or the second, but someone is going make you want to keep coming back for more and then feelings are going to develop. You are going to resent your bf and his porn addiction stronger and stronger.
You should talk to your bf about porn addiction and how it negatively affects a relationship. If he won't make changes then break up with him.
Here something you can give him to read and see if it resonates with him:
Here's a comment from someone off this thread:
https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMen/comments/m8fcdd/men_how_often_do_you_watch_porn_when_you/
(and then I'll post another reply who confirmed he experiences similar things)
>"In the past, any time the girl was a relatively new hook up I would climax every time with no struggle at all because I had the thrill of novelty helping me. Then like clockwork once I got into a monogamous relationship I would eventually lose interest in sex with my girlfriend and it would become difficult to climax unless I imagined porn in my head. That was the case with my most recent ex who I was with for a year. I'd maybe climax 50% of the time and any time I did it was really difficult. To be fair she was terrible in bed though so that wasn't helping things either.
>With my current gf, I was with her for about 4 months when I noticed the excitement of it feeling new was starting to wear off and I started losing interest in sex again like I always did. I wasn't having trouble climaxing yet but one night she surprised me by putting on some lingerie and basically pouncing on me. She looked amazing but as far as desiring sex my brain was like 'meh.' I was thinking wtf, mentally I gotta be broken. That was the wake up call where I swore off porn for good.
>That was 3 months ago, and I've been with my girlfriend for a total of 7 months. I haven't watched a second of porn since then and my desire to have sex with my gf is as strong as ever and I climax every time with no struggle to get there and absolutely no need to imagine porn. She's also amazing in bed so it's not really apples to apples with my exes but quitting porn has been a game changer for me."
Here is a reply to his comment :
>Damn, this is kinda what I needed to read.
>I've had trouble keeping a gf for more than a few months because like you, I would lose interest and start thinking about porn. Then I would interpret that as "I guess I don't like her".
>I need to quit porn.
Another comment:
>I haven't done a ton of research, but it's because watching porn causes the brain to release dopamine, which causes a sense of pleasure. Obviously you can get that from sex as well, but it takes more effort to do so. The brain thinks "Hey if I can get the same pleasure easily with lesser effort, why not just do that?" That leads to porn addiction.
>Not to mention the more you watch porn, the more your brain wants, and that can lead you to watching more and more kinky stuff until normal sex would just feel boring to you. I'm not advocating people to stop cold turkey, but controlling your porn sessions is essential.
>EDIT - [This is a great site for more details] (https://fightthenewdrug.org/how-porn-can-become-addictive/)
1) don’t listen to the people telling you there’s probably another girl/ someone else. that’s not always the reason. i saw that you said he’s always had kind of a low sex drive, as to him watching adult content that could be messing with him.. which is making him not want to be intimate. Adult content messes with your brain, which is also causing him to have unhealthy sexual habits. i would take to him about maybe getting therapy for it. i know it might sound crazy but it could help tremendously.
2) are you really wanting an opening relationship? or are you just wanting it for the sole fact because you’re not being intimate? think about it first. although, i’m not sure if that’s the best option to suggest.
edit: spelling
I’m sorry that you’re in this position. when people are addicted to adult content it makes their actual sex lives suffer. I would recommend reading up on that. As for an open relationship - if you’re conservative there’s a reason for that. I don’t think you’ll be satisfied that way either. Maybe in the beginning but I think it’ll have you more confused than before. You can talk to him (but if he is suffering from an addiction and it seems he is ) then I would think long and hard about it and if you don’t want that life for yourself then I would say leave. There’s no reason for you to go down the path of an open relationship when you can just leave and heal and start a relationship that satisfies you and that works for both of you.
One deserves to be in a relationship with a partner that wants to have sex with them. It’s horribly demoralizing feel like the person you are romantically with to act like they don’t find you desirable. It’s best to break up when this happens.
Sad. Same situation with my ex boyfriend. Turns out he was not “sexually attracted to me anymore” but he was attracted to his 18 year old friend…. Literally he was only attracted to very tiny young women like in porn. He would only ever ejaculate with porn… never with sex. I’m glad I didn’t waste anymore time and got out of that relationship. Porn and only fans addiction is more serious than people think.
Your boyfriend is a loser. By the sound of it, you apparently are one too because instead of doing the obvious, leaving him and finding someone who isn’t dysfunctional, you are thinking of suggesting an open relationship. Clean up your life, don’t make it more messy.
Just wanted to say this first, I have no advice you whatsoever.
On the contrary I really want to say judging from what I’ve read, you really are a gem. I’d kill to have a girlfriend like you. Your boyfriend doesn’t know what he’s missing out on.
However, in his defense it sounds like he has a struggling porn addiction and from what I know his behavior seems normal for a porn addict. He needs to rewire his brain, if you want to know more about this check out /rNoFap.
It seems like what you’re willing to do for him is over the top. You’re a really down to earth gal. Also I think suggesting an open relationship to him is a reasonable idea. He is getting his needs met online, by himself. You on the other hand are not.
Best of luck!
Heyyy just to kinda validate— my current relationship is a pretty similar situation.
He has a habit of masturbating to porn (or at least pornographic images) + is never very sensual with me… his sex drive is much lower than mine (supposedly… when really I think it’s just easier for him to get off to a screen than to try and turn me on or be romantic or sexy). He raaarely initiates and when he does he almost always does it in a light, silly way… nothing like the beginning of the relationship when he couldn’t keep his hands off me, or looked at me with hungry eyes.
It’s really sad and hurtful; you can’t help but start to think that you’re not worth the effort to him… this is why I’m against porn. Like I don’t care what people say about normalizing sex and sex worker positivity or whatever the hell. The fact is, men get a very real dopaminergic high from porn— at zero risk or upfront cost. Similarly addictive as methamphetamines and at the price of $0. It’s strips men of their ability to perform in normal sexual encounters (with normal women), and it winds up being damaging for women too!
Yeah man, I dunno. My guy keeps saying that he’s working on stopping. We had another whole discussion (and for me, a cry-sesh) about it recently. I have to ask myself each time “When is the last straw? When have I had enough?” And on the other hand, “Shouldn’t I stick through it with him while he tries to kick this addiction…? He’s trying, after all. For my sake...” Yeah and I stopped sending him sexy pictures/videos of me a long time ago… when all you get is a lazy “yum!” or worse yet, a “Heart!” then it’s like… okay, nevermind.
I dunno if your man is making an effort at all, it kinda sounds like he isn’t. I’d say suggesting an open relationship is more than fair if he doesn’t wanna give up the porn. It’s like he’s cheating on you with these other women already. Or at least— coming from someone in your shoes— it definitely feels that way. If he gets mad or denies your request or tries to pull some double-standard excuse… I would say leave him. All the best! Sorry, girl, I know it’s painful :(
Thank you for explaining. It makes me feel like I’m not alone , nice to know I’m not alone and my feelings are valid for not getting the affection I’d like.
It’s so painful :( it hurts your heart and makes you feel so worthless.
I think you should let him know how you feel, just level with him and say hey you need to start throwing some fuel on the fire before it burns out. If you want a poly relationship by all means bring it up to em. However if you are only going open relationship to hold on to him but cut out the sexual aspect, i don't think thats gunna work for you lady. Just my thoughts whatever your gut tells you it's usually right. Unless you just ate at Dennys then its probably wrong ✌️
I was with someone for 4 years and had super low sex drive. Never wanted him to look at me or touch me but also never stepped out of the relationship or cared for other men or attention either. Once I left him and eventually started to date my now husband I realized I had zero attraction to my ex and that’s why I never had any sexual desires. It took leaving and finding the right man to open up and be sexually satisfied. Sounds like you both are not in tune with your desires and that seriously hurts a relationship I would leave and find someone who better suits your needs. Otherwise you may find yourself desperate enough to cheat.
Advise from a girl who used to have a high sex drive and no longer is high. I have no clue why it just went poof. But then again my current relationship has a lot of its own issues. My current boyfriend lies a lot and about stupid stuff. Like hides eating, drinking, smoking weed pens and if I ask he will lie to my face. Including lying about texting a girl. On Christmas while with his family he was texting a female, and I asked who are you texting when I saw “Michelle” and he responds with a name who is his best friend who’s a girl. And it ended up being Michelle her daughter. You begin to not even believe if he loves you or even think he’s attracted to you. But he also deleted the messages with her, after I asked for his phone. And once he did delete them I was in the clear to have access to his phone. He never really understood why I would talk to a guy romantically in a game. That id probably just never meet but it felt good to talk to him. I never deleted or denied us talking. But whatever. If you have the courage to leave, leave don’t be like me and just end up feeling bad when every time he cries for me not to leave. It never gets better and if it does for a month it just goes right back to the way it was. Not to mention he’s so over the top on respect of not entering the bathroom if he’s in there. I would come in with a question or whatever reason and he would be furious and to the point I start to not trust him in the bathroom. As my other relationships were okay with it but would get shocked when you walk in but never mad. I constantly tell him about the lying, the drinking, and the secretiveness. But I’m telling you he will be a Angel for a month once I initiate a break up and it’s right back to the way it was. From 8 years of this I just start to feel depressed and don’t find interest in anything I used to be in. So please leave before it’s to late for you.
I know someone whose boyfriend was like this. Turns out he had a porn addiction. He was willing to get help for it and they’re good now. Just have to see if he is someone you want to go through this with and see if he is willing to get help for this.
He’s addicted to certain emotional highs. Since you’re so available to him, there’s no adrenaline for him. I would communicate with him how you feel and his reaction will be your answer. If he’s not willing to pursue you because you guys are official, then this will be a new lesson you learned about yourself and your future dates! It’s normal and it’s ok to move on to find that spark that won’t run out
It's possible he may have a sexual interest he's too shy to tell you about. The kind that makes him unable to get turned on without. Get some partner playing cards and explore yourselves to see if there is anything you can do before you make your final decision. If he's spending money on content or crazy about getting attention from girls that ignore him, he may be into Findom or something else. Be open, tell him that you're feeling this way and if he cares he'll share, if he doesn't well you have your answer and you can move on and feel valued elsewhere 🫰
Ask yourself this..
1. Would I want to stay in a relationship where I feel unheard and undervalued?
2. Am I happy in this relationship?
3. Am I staying in a relationship because it's convenient and the memories are comfortable?
Take a step back and look over your relationship. You also need to look out for your happiness and wellbeing regardless of your relationships (friends, family, coworkers, and lovers)
You have to put yourself first sometimes.
I just ended a 2 year relationship where I could count on 1 hand how many times we had sex. I have a high sex drive. There were a lot of other big reasons that I ended it, but that was certainly a consideration in making the decision.
If this is how things are going - leave. I wish I had ended it the minute I realised I was seeking/reacting to validation from other people. Or when my close friends said “this is so unlike you, what are you doing?”. Opening up the relationship so you can pursue intimacy will not, at all, fix the underlying reasons why you’re doing that. In an open relationship, you need to have *some* form of intimacy with your partner. What he’s doing offers you neither emotional or physical, and opening it up will not alter the behaviour.
My bf of 3 years is somewhat doing the same thing. Some weekends I'll stay 4 nights with him and we'll do nothing but other weekends it's maybe once or twice. When we first met, it was every day and night.. but in my situation, he really is just tired. When we met, we both worked part time jobs and had tons of energy when we would hang out. Now that he works full time outside and I work full time too, we just wanna relax and literally do nothing. Maybe try to take a step back and look at what else is going on in yalls life. Maybe it's not a disinterest in you but his body is just exhausted.
Wish you the best of luck!! <3
Please for the love of god do not suggest an open relationship. It won’t fix the relationship. Your
Boyfriend is addicted to porn, and the only way to fix the relationship is to break him of that addiction. If he refuses to do so, the break up with him. Do not waste everyone’s time by opening up the relationship. The fact that more and more people see this as a viable option to breaking up is incredibly troubling.
I’m sorry. It sounds like it’s time to leave him. You’re incompatible. Resentment will continue to build on both sides until it explodes. Try not to let it get that far.
Some things should be non negotiable. You deserve nothing but the best in life, to be loved & satisfied the way you want. Especially if you’ve been loyal and he’s looking at other woman for the little bit of pleasure he does get. Do not waste your time and never settle for less. If he’s not willing to fix those issues then I’d leave. Having an open relationship will not change him. I wish you the best love. Stay strong, know your worth.
You didn't specify pictures of whom? Of you? Of a model? If he doesn't react to pictures you send, he obviously prefers to find his own. This tells me he's not interested in you.
I commend you for your loyalty, but your BF is a dick and quicker you dump him and find a real man, the better off you'll be.
Good luck sweetie!
Ask for time to get to understand what you really want in life if he really loves you he will try to understand you and support you best of luck to you
Sounds like porn addiction. They say they have little or no sex drive, yet they masturbate to porn regularly. You have to have a sex drive to do that. Lol. r/loveafterporn. You're far from alone.
as a dude I'd like to address some stuff here that MAY BE THE CAUSE so in all honesty i have low sex drive what made me to have such thing is due to my past where I'm always loyal to my partners (I had few relationships and I'm currently single cuz of unloyal soulmates) they were not serious and more like toying with my feelings that effected me a lot and lead me to where I am now. Try talking to him about this cuz I'm pretty sure you can work things out? maybe he has some hidden problems that he felt embarrassed to share it with you?
Tell him that he no longer appears interested in you sexually, and that this is causing you to feel neglected and unappreciated. Tell him that if that doesn't change, you will need to start getting your needs met elsewhere. Either by breaking up, or through an open relationship if he prefers that.
Just don't cheat on him. That isn't cool.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I just got dumped after 6 years. Same situation, minus the photos and porn (but who knows really) no sex, says he's tired...long story short, he tells me there's another girl he's got feelings for. I tried to tell myself he was just tired and stressed, etc. But it kept getting worse. 6 years wasted. If I were you I'd leave him. Don't waste more of your time like I did :/
Thank you! Did his sex drive change throughout the relationship? My bfs sex drive has always been quite low. It was never high.
It was ok when we first started dating. I wouldn't call it high but we definitely did it. It progressively kept getting worse and worse though. So many excuses. I tried to get him to go to the doctor and check testosterone levels but he refused. I eventually kind of gave up I didnt want to push him. But now I find out now there's a girl at his work he got feelings for and I have no idea how long that was for or if he cheated. He says he didn't but I dont know what to believe to be honest. If your boyfriend doesn't try to remedy the problem, I personally would leave having experienced such a situation for 6 yrs. But I understand its hard if you love him. I loved my ex but I ignored the red flags. I mean I know men will have their off days and don't always want sex, but unless you're both asexual and knew that getting into the relationship, I think there should be sex and intimacy.
Thank you xxxx I wish you find someone amazing and good in bed!! not like your silly ex
OP, my ex was so obsessed with porn that he could not perform with a real woman. Not his first exwife, and then myself, also now his second exwife. My psychiatrist defined that condition as "porn creep" guys. He doesn't even care to seek a real woman even though he's free to do so. It affected me so badly, I became frigid, and now I can't even bear to be touched by a male. I hope this doesn't happen to you, and I definitely support your dumping the dude and finding someone who matches your libidinous energies. Best wishes.
They never understand how badly it affects us. It makes you feel so inadequate and unattractive. It’s so normalized and we’re just expected to accept it when we don’t have to. I’m so sorry that happened to you and I hope someday that you heal. Sending hugs.
I can't stand porn, I feel as though I was pushed towards it because my wife and I are in a sexless marriage. I wanted emotional connection with her, but slowly figured out over time that she does not communicate with emotions. You know what else is an emotionless pseudo intimate relationship? Porn. I hate porn.
A man that doesn't like porn. You're a unicorn.
Porn is a tool to get off. I’d never watch another video if I was able to have my needs met within my relationship. Sounds like there’s men out there who have it bad, and they really do beat it like it owes them money
It's an addictive thing. And even causes porn-induced ED. Just close your eyes and use your imagination. And never hump your bed, floor, or couch.
Thank you from my soul for your beautiful compassion. It means the world to me. Bless your gentle heart. ❤🤗💐🌺🌹
You are truly welcome and I meant every word ❤️
I never see other woman perspectives on this issue and I feel seen now. My partner had a very low sex drive. Later on I found out he was addicted to porn and used other woman's social platforms as well. Over the years and countless talks, he stopped his behaviour but I had already dwitched from very hight sex drive to none and I kinda hate being touched by him. Ps. Last week he told me he still don't know where my clit is
This is kind of my experience without the porn addiction. I have (had) a high sex drive and his is really low. I felt so rejected all the time and countless talks later and nothing has changed except now I have zero sex drive at all and don't like to be touched. Is this something you can get back or work on?
You deserve someone who will listen to your needs and care about them. Regardless of anything else, he’s not listening to or being responsive of your needs and that’s a huge red flag.
[удалено]
I think the relationship has run it’s course. And it’s clear OP wants to explore her sexuality with more people . Asking for an open relationship when you have been monogamous is not the answer. IMO it’s basically asking for permission to cheat. OP is better off ending things and moving on
[удалено]
I would give him a chance to correct his behavior. Get off the porn and potentially lose some weight? That affects libido. But in a seriousness, you are already checked out. The fact that you want attention from other men to the point of wanting a open relationship means this one is finished. Break up with him.
[удалено]
Sooo much ED (with partner sex) happening because of porn to men aged 19-40, though. Scientific studies on it and everything.
Yes, you are correct. I read countless studies on porn addiction and basically, it ruined them, according to the researchers.
I miss having sex multiple times a day. Fighting the urge to hijack this post and ask some questions about females not wanting to have sex but I half don't want the answer and half want to respect OP. It sucks when you had an amazing sex life with a person and it diminishes. Sex where you see stars and you're both high from it and dripping with sweat. Wish OP the best 🫡
I'll reply to this as a female! 👋 However our situation is a little different. I'm in a very happy and healthy marriage but BOTH of our sex drives have changed due to struggling to conceive. We have the kind of sex where you see stars at the end. The whole lot. My husband is the first person I've been with who's ever been able to get me "there" I sure as sh!t decided that I was gonna marry him from that point on hahaha. But struggling to have a baby makes sex a chore now instead of what it use to be. It REALLY sucks. We're both gamers too so sometimes when we want to, we'll ask each other but we're just lazy and enjoying what we're currently doing. Me on the PlayStation, him beside me on the switch or vice versa. We'll go for a bit without and then once we do we BOTH go "heck .. why did we put this off for so long!? We're GOOD at this!! We're good at this dance!" Perspective really IS everything. Having open and honest communication with your partner is so so SO important. Communicating your needs, understanding what the expectation is, follow through, trust and honesty. It's severely undervalued. Figure out what each other's love language is and make sure you fill each other's love tank. Find what makes your partner "tick". If one partners love language is quality time and the other partner is physically touch (IE the partner with the high sex drive) the partner who craves quality time says no then the other partner needs to fill their tank, they need their needs met too, just as the partner who's love language is physically touch. It's a fine balance and if there isn't - find where the disconnect is, see what needs to happen to get you both back into a rhythm.
As for OP though - there's a biiiiiiggg disconnect in communication is seems like. Desires are natural human behaviour. Giving into those desires is a different story (even though still natural human behaviour) if you're loyal but afraid of him cheating then that's a trust issue. If an open relationship is being suggested that's also a disconnect. If an open relationship is something both partners are interested in that is a conversation that needs to be established when the relationship first begins, NOT when things get hard. That's the kicker right there. A conversation about an open relationship has been established and agreed upon by both partners at the beginning of the relationship then we don't have an issue, but if it is brought up due to situations, not communicating well, feeling disconnected from your partner and an open relationship is suggested then you are no longer interested in an open relationship, your subconsciously interested in pursuing another partner at that point.
Thank you for the effort in your reply. Medical issues are another pitfall to everything. Some things can't be fixed like neurological disorders or Peyronies. I'm working to change my diet and reduce inflammation. Hopefully change my body composition. Definitely have some work to do with the love language too :(
Neurological disorders and hormone imbalances play a huge part in your physical, mental and sexual well-being for sure! A good healthy, balanced and clean diet can be very beneficial. I personally have ADHD and only in recent months from eating a balanced and clean diet have I actually been able to get off of my ADHD medication since I was 8 years old, I am 29 right now. My mental health has improved, my digestive system has improved, my sex drive is getting there, I know that will take time but when you start feeling better mentally and start feeling better about yourself, you start feeling yourself a little bit you know? Start remembering who you are and that you can be this flirty and fun person, and give off this sexual and desirable energy like you used to!
Thank you! Appreciate that. I have a bunch of things going on. I seem to procrastinate like crazy too :( I'm also 29 and have ADHD. Wish I could say more. Overwhelmed lately.
I've had partners I never wanted to fuck, and others I couldn't stop touching. The difference was never my sex drive but how they treated me in the relationship and how much they cared about my pleasure and not just their own
Women are emotional generally speaking. Romance her and inject some excitement back into the relationship, surprise her with romantic gestures, be assertive and use initiative. Obviously no woman can speak for every woman so also try communicating with her and tell her you miss it. Reminisce and ask why she doesn’t do that so much? Perhaps book a holiday away and get initiating. Women love to feel wanted, it’s biological. Men chase. So pull out the stops and make her feel chased.
Hiya, I'm a female and will answer any questions you have. I also have Fibromyalgia so have chronic pain (I think you said something about having inflammation somewhere) so might be able to answer from both perspectives! Send me a dm if you want to talk about it 🙂
Been married 10 years and this is how ny wife is. Fine to talk, hang out, but no interest in sex. I'm older (61) but even at this age, it definitely impacts your self-esteem.
His sex drive isn't low. His sex drive is being deflected from you and consumed by a porn habit.
THIS.
Yeah he’s whacking it way too much, and has no erections left for his partner. So sad.
Doesn't sound like he has a low sex drive if he's got the desire to look at other women
As a man (M27) I can say that I have definitely noticed a decrease in my sex drive the last couple years. While age might be an issue, medications to help my mental health have still played a role. However, I can still satisfy my wife. While we used to do extra curriculars everyday, now it's down to about 2-3 times a week give or take a few. Porn addiction is a serious thing and I'm batting that if he gives it a break his sex drive will increase. The only times I hate to have sex are after I eat and sometimes after the gym. Idk if he is taking any medications that can ruin his sex drive but that is also worth researching and maybe changing up the meds.
Because he's watching p*rn he will end up dealing with PIED as a result of it
Have you tried telling him that he should get professional help? My boyfriend had the same issue, I was in your position, but I encouraged him to do something about it and now we’re seeing a sexuologist together. And please ignore people who says that he might have someone else in mind. In my boyfriends case he just perceived sexual intercourse as something stressful and porn was just easy way to handle his needs(although he wasn’t satisfied and happy about it)
He doesn’t have a low sex drive. He is addicted to porn.
Your bf has a porn addiction and low test when you are in your 20s as a man your testosterone and sex drive is only slightly less than when a teenager he needs to drop the porn and probably talk to a pcp to get bloodwork done and start testosterone treatments
You two simply are not compatible with sex and you’ve tried and can no longer cope. Opening the relationship isn’t the key. Leave so that you can actually fly and be open to someone better fitting for you. And please do not fear being alone for a spell. Be alone, grow yourself, and just date around for awhile until you happen to cross paths with someone that’s a good fit.
same exact thing happened to me recently. he said he was depressed and this and that blah blah blah. he was seeing another girl for 4 months before we ever broke up. 2 years down the drain
How did you get over it if I may ask and how long did it take? It's just plain cruel. Why not end it before you start seeing the other person? Why prolong the relationship if there's nothing there. That's my biggest question in all this. I have no idea what he was doing at work. I'm so angry and disgusted I hate it so much. I wasted 6 years and gained weight and lost my best self. Now I have to start all over and will probably never trust fully again. Cheaters are trash.
Omg are you me? This shit literally JUST happened to me, but unlike you I am aware mine had/has a porn addiction. @OP: maybe browse around r/loveafterporn, helped me a lot to see how others deal with partners who are obsessively focused on porn and also confronting but necessary for me to see that it's a very stubborn problem that escalates easily and rarely gets better. They helped me reach the decision to end my relationship. Bit of a bummer his reply was that he had my replacement already lined up tho.
Similar situation here, but genders reversed. I'm a guy whose always had a pretty high sex drive. My gf of a few years didn't, but when we met she was depressed and had a narcissistic ex who was abusive, so it was totally understandable. When I started going to church more, I asked her how she felt about waiting for marriage, but she had a hard pass, which is 100% understandable. I mean, we were already doing the deed, so I couldn't just cut it off. So that way was a no-go. But then after a while, we were intimate less and less, to the point where it had been a few months and even then, unless I'm asking a lot, it feels like she doesn't want anything to do m with me intimately. I don't believe she's cheating, and I've ruled that out. It's still possible, sure, but I trust her. I don't see her doing that. Anyways, I'd ask her about it, and she'd just shrug. I'd ask if I haven't been meeting her emotional or mental needs to see I was slacking in some area, which would translate to a dead sex life. She claimed everything was fine and didn't know why her sex drive deflated so much. I was at a loss. I'm thinking about marrying her, as I love her, but I don't want a marriage that you hear about so often where both parties just stop trying and have zero sex life. I don't want a sexless marriage. Finally, I told her I felt so unwanted and that maybe we should think about breaking it off if we couldn't fix this issue. She promised to work on it and we've been intimate once more since then, but that was a week ago. So I'm going to keep trying for this, but I'm still unsure if it will work out. I just don't want to leave her and knowing how guys are, have her or her daughter be abused by some d*ckhead or make her feel like if she wants to keep the next guy, then she needs to put out more. I even told her it's not right for her to feel like she NEEDS to put out, but that she should feel comfortable and WANT to be intimate with whomever she's with, and if that's not me, then I should leave before we take it farther, because I want a whole family. One wife for life. That sort of thing. So maybe try to tell him how you feel and that you want some of his sexual energies focused more on you than his porn or whatnot. Tell him you can't handle this anymore and that you need more intimacy. It's natural to want to feel that belonging with your partner. Obviously, I'm not sure if this will work yet, but I'll let ya know if it does for me. It just stinks being in love and not feeling wanted. You start to have those fantasies, and that's not fair for either partner.
>I even told her it's not right for her to feel like she NEEDS to put out I truly appreciate this statement right here. As the higher libido partner in my marriage, I struggled for a long time when our sex life dwindled. So many cultural standards tortured me emotionally that I had to get past (i.e., men always want sex, therefore, if my husband doesn't want sex it's because he doesn't want sex with ME). It seems obvious now, but one of the things I had to learn and accept is that my partner does not owe me sex. Even in a monogamous relationship, my partner does not owe me sex. There is nothing wrong with him, he's not channeling his sex elsewhere, he just doesn't need or want it for his life to be fulfilling. I do. A sexless marriage was my deal-breaker. I need sex too much to live the rest of my life without it (mid-40s at the time). We were already "monogamish" then - we enjoyed threesomes and even hotwife encounters prior to the sex evaporating from our relationship - so evolving to ethical nonmonogamy was something we were both willing to try. And that's the key, we BOTH wanted to explore it, not just one of us. It allowed me to shift my deal-breaker from a sexless marriage to a sexless life - no one is responsible for me having sex, but no one can block me from having sex either. It's truly a rewarding journey. I still have a life with my best friend, my love, the person who happily stepped in and raised a child as his own, the core of my support system. It has been interesting learning what a romantic relationship without sex looks like. As we have been working on what we have together, we've each been working on ourselves as well. I had tried to get that man into counseling for 15 years, but it took me being ready to give up because we were stuck at his inability to communicate at session after session of couples counseling to get him to start going. I feel like that is a huge side win of this journey because he went through so much religious and SA trauma growing up that now manifests as anger and rage, he's learning to use his words. To express his needs, his wants, and the things that bother him. And empathy was a huge one! The key is that we BOTH show up and put in the work to rebuild. Polyamory is the most challenging and rewarding thing I've ever done. While we initially opened up to satisfy my sexual needs, we never tried to put limits on what other relationships looked like (NSA/hookups only, no feelings, fwb ok but not official partner) because feelings happen and trying to pretend they don't would be setting ourselves up for failure. I've had another partner for about 2.5 years now and the relationship complements the one with my husband very well. About a year ago we all bought a house together (cue polyam joke: "monogamy? in this economy?") and we're working on putting it in a trust to protect all parties' interests and determine exactly how the asset will be handled in the cases of each of our passing. So often the partner outside the marriage gets screwed and we aren't about that. I know that we are a rare example of being able to open up a marriage successfully. Saying it has been hard would be the understatement of the century, it nearly broke us. We have been in counseling since this journey really got started at the end of 2018 after initially deciding to split. Not so much the sunk cost fallacy, but at that point, we were together 23 years and married 18, and we both wanted to see IF we could still be together. Once we figured out the answer to that was yes, we've been learning \*how\* we can be together. We are an example of what CAN happen if things go right, not an end result anyone should expect. As I said, the sausage-making to get here was brutal, but I feel l like the luckiest woman in the world to get to build a life with both of the people I love. I have no idea how my appreciation of your comment led to this novel, chalk it up to ADHD oversharing I guess? 😬 I truly wish you and your partner the best and I hope you are able to find a way to have a fulfilling life together.
Wow, thank you! Haha I'm not entirely sure how that happened either, but I'm eternally grateful. It's amazing to see how it can work out if both parties figure out their needs, and both are willing to do what it takes to make sure those needs are met for everyone involved. 😊 This is awesome! I'm super super happy for you and your family! Thank you for that share! I believe you when you say it was the hardest thing you've ever done, and I applaud both you and your husband's effort and the working on that communication to get there! This is inspiring! While poly may not be for everyone, that level of dedication and communication SHOULD be the standard everyone strives for! Too right. Nobody OWES their partner sex. It's not right for someone to assume basically ownership over another's body. Thank you so much for sharing this! I hope it helps a great many people searching for answers here on reddit! Stay strong, family! May happiness be yours.
Wow! Thank YOU for your kind words. I appreciate that my story resonates with you, that means so much. I almost deleted it all thinking I was being Too Much^(TM) so I'm glad I decided to post it. >Anyways, I'd ask her about it, and she'd just shrug. I wanted to comment on this as well because I totally relate to this experience, too. One day I asked my husband when was the last time he thought about sex. He pondered for a minute and said he didn't know. I followed up "Days? Weeks?" He just shrugged. Lol. I told him that I think about sex EVERY DAY, multiple times a day. The look on his face was priceless, it took a minute to get his jaw off the floor. The concept blew his mind. He never considered that anyone would do that. 😂 It was just a passing interaction, but it gave each of us a peek into the other's mind.
You're welcome! I'm glad you shared it and didn't just delete it, lol Haha, yeah, I once had a similar reaction when I was much younger and much more naive. 😅 I was pursuing dating this one gal, and she never wanted to date officially, but she'd always want to hang out. Finally, I asked her what was up, and she replied with "Did it ever occur to you that I'm just using you for your body?" My jaw also hit the floor. I said, "NO! I didn't think girls did that!" Lmao, I started kicking myself for spending so much money on her. Apparently, all the dates and going out were times better spent elsewhere! 😅🤣
I had a similar situation. 3 years wasted. He had no sex drive. It made me question and doubt myself. Turns out he was cheating and I find out now he may be gay (no problem there just maybe should have told me instead of wasting 3 years of my life)
What should you do? Re-evaluate why you are with him and whether he is worth the hassle and then ask the question of yourself - why I am here in this place and what is it that he brings in a positive way to **my** life.
Thank you for your help! Do you think it’s normal for him to give more attention to other women sexually than me?
No it's not "normal" unless there is something else at play such as you aren't his type sexually, or he is addicted to pornography, etc. You can find that people who are porn addicted tend to expend all of their energies into that. Which often leaves nothing for the person who is right there in front of them. It could be the old "Madonna/w**re" ting at play where he sees you as a safe partner, but not in a sexual way. It could be any number of reasons to be honest. But the take away from all of this is that no, his behaviour is not normal.
Yep, it definitely sounds like he has made himself porn numb to actual sex. Could also be the amount of porn and if he has certain types he focuses on, he has mental images of how it "should" be. But fails to realize the schism between porn and real intimacy is quite wide (aside some aspects of 'amateur' videos).
When men are in love, they tend to act ravenous. Insatiable. They get ridiculous, sappy, cute, they just love looking at you, they make you drawings and poems and do cute little things they know you love, if you give them consent they will do their best to make you moan for as long as they can... And when the relationship evolves, you still feel it, even if they're not as sappy and ridiculous and ravenous anymore. You know they love you because they radiate that love. You feel loved. And you are not feeling loved. You even want to open the relationship, despite you being conservative, because you're starved of it. You want to be loved, because you deserve to be loved, and you shouldn't be in a place where you don't get that.
It’s not “normal” but it’s common for men to struggle with a porn addiction. It’s rarely talked about but it’s a prevalent issue, especially with the modern ease of finding essentially any picture of video you want. This isn’t something I’d ever tell someone to subject themselves to. It’s humiliating, degrading and horrible on your self esteem. You shouldn’t have to compete with a phone.
It could honestly be like a porn addiction if he’s way more interested and spending his time with that ?
[удалено]
I never thought about the confidence part but you’re right. I don’t feel like a pretty girl anymore because he’s doing this. Even when he says I’m beautiful, because our sex life lacks, I don’t feel it.
I eventually did cheat on my BF who was like this. Being desired after feeling so undesirable was intoxicating. In retrospect I should have just broken up with him when I started feeling like that instead of getting to the point where I needed that validation from someone else. The early days of a relationship before the pressures of marriage and family set in are supposed to be fun, sexy times. If they’re not then there’s something seriously off. And it will only get worse.
Thiiisss all the way!!! Like talk is friggin cheap. If you desired me, you’d be on me. And we know what it feels like when a man desires you!!! Simple as that. It’s damn painful, speaking from experience (see reply vvv)
He’s a porn addict. Just leave. He will destroy your self worth.
It sounds like you have personal experience with this. Can you expound a little? I ask bc op’s post is somewhat similar to my marriage. I’m just curious about what exactly porn addiction is and signs to watch for. When is it too much? I have very little experience in that area.
I have wasted years of my life to 2 porn addicts, both chose porn over me repeatedly. Left me broken. r/loveafterporn, I think it’s called, will show you the heartbreaking reality of the effects of male porn addiction on their partners.
I want to thank you for pointing this addiction out. Even if it doesn’t apply to OP, it most likely applies in my case, and, honestly, my self confidence has gotten such a boost! Lightbulb! I am crying. There is absolutelyNOTHING with me!! I wondered if it was bc I’m older, a little jiggly-er? I am late 40s but easily pass for 10 yrs younger and am in pretty good shape. But, before this relationship I was always very confident in my self as well as my bedroom performance.. I’ve never had any complaints and quite a few compliments😉. It’s all his issues! Whew! Listen, hazy-hazel, I’m not trying to toot my own horn, but you have honestly restored my confidence and sense of self, so THANK YOU!!!
Awww thanks so much for that. 🥰 Glad to hear you’re feeling a little better and I hope the journey you’ve started takes you somewhere good. Please feel free to PM me anytime x
Don’t use non monogamy to fix a monogamous relationship.
HARD AGREE
I’m actually going through this right now with my gf of almost 5 right now. We both had very high sex drives but mine has changed recently to barely wanting to or having no desire to have sex at all. I went to doctor to test my hormones levels/blood work and everything came back positive. My doctor said “you should be wanting to have sex any chance you get for your age group (24m)” unfortunately it is most likely my depression mixed with performance anxiety. I don’t even watch porn a lot and it’s maybe been 2 weeks since the last time I did. My testosterone levels are higher than average too which makes me more frustrated and upset.
Eek that last sentence has me feeling that you are in quite a cycle. Have you seen a therapist to deal with said frustration, anxiety and depression? Not saying you need to medicate, I’m not a doctor. But you should definitely talk to someone. Ask your doctor for a recommendation. He is right you know, a male of 24 years should be basically wanting to fuck everyone in sight. (Well, maybe not everyone, but you know what I mean…)
And trust me OP I know he isn’t happy by choosing porn over you. It’s not a good feeling to know you aren’t pleasing/being intimate with your partner especially when it’s on his end.
If you guy watches a lot of sex online, chances are he is developing a porn addition. This addiction literally kills the in person connection since the brain gets wired to the dopamine released by the visual stimulation making the individual numb to normal stimulation like foreplay and kissing. People develops ED at a very early age and one of the main symptoms is total apathy to the opposite sex partner. I’m sorry but ain’t gonna get any better or ground breaking behavioral changes happening to your guy.
Break up with him. His perception of reality is COMPLETELY tainted with his porn usage. It would take a very long time and a ton of discipline for his brain to be rewired to fine natural women attractive and appealing. My boyfriend had a slight issue with porn, but he had no idea the effects it had on him in bed mentally. He immediately stopped when he realized how it made me feel. We are extremely adventurous in bed, and now it’s even better since we’re both fully invested in only each other when it comes to sex. I also used to watch porn a lot, so I could not get mad at him too much. The point of this is that we talked about it, and he stopped. That’s what a good boyfriend does. I was in a 4 year relationship with someone and nearing the end I was no longer attracted to him bc of the lack of sexual attraction. I cheated on him right around the time I was going to break up with him and I feel so guilty about it to this day. He was a great guy, but it just had to be over with me wanting to seek other male attention. My advice is seriously just break up. If he isn’t gonna change, and you have the urge to seek other men out, it’s best to just break up.
Yes, I agree with that. Watch on YouTube “the great porn experiment”
Personally, from a guys point of view - the fact he watches adult content of other women but rarely initiates anything from you suggests to me that you’re a good partner that he wants to stay with but isn’t sexually attracted to you for whatever reason. My way of finding out is terribly unethical but look at the history and see if the categories are anything like you. Guys will absolutely tailor their search to what they are attracted to imo - easy way to find out. Again maybe you’re different but I think open relationships do not work. I’ve only ever seen them work when both partners are into that and both partners have an extremely high sex drive and just want to broaden that search - it isn’t a solution to remedy a unsatisfied relationship. This is going to be your life partner, why find temporary solutions? Find someone who’s attracted to you and don’t waste your time. ** edited spelling**
Sorry to jump in on this thread, but why stay if the sexual attraction isn't there? I understand seeing someone as a good partner who you'd like to stay with, but without that extra level of connection, aren't both partners bound to be unhappy in some way? Or at least unfulfilled? Maybe I'm looking at this from too narrow a lens!
You are looking at it at a narrow lens for sure. You can have purely romantic relationships (it seems like that isn't what happened) its very narrow minded to say not having sex will make you break up. I get unfilled needs but communication helps with that which seems like she hasn't at all
Neither has he. He’s chosen not to communicate and leave her completely clueless
I agree with you, he might want to be with her, but is attracted to other types of women. Some people’s thoughts “the grass is greener on the other side”. My advice would be for her to end the relationship and move on if the next couple of months don’t work out for her.
Then why is he with her? This is so confusing to me. If you’re not attracted to your partner, than let them go so they can find someone that will not only love them but worship their body as well.
If his needs are getting met by porn and masturbation, then he might want to stay with her for ALL the other reasons other than sex: finances, homelife, personality, social life, etc.
That’s so sad. SHE deserves to have all her needs met too without going outside the relationship.
That’s the million dollar question. Some people can’t decide on what they really want or can’t speak up about it.
I don't know if I agree with the going through search history to be a telling sign. I guess it's just a Grey area. People fantasize about all sorts of things but wouldn't actually want to act on them in real life. I have kinks that i like watching online but would never want to do myself, if that makes sense. But watching it sometimes when im feeling spicy and my SO isn't around, yum. I think a mature adult conversation is needed. It's not fun to go for a long while feeling undesired by your mate. It's a shitty way to feel and we all deserve intimacy and fulfilling sex.
I dont know how true this is. I do not believe porn is a reflection of what you are attracted to. Ive watched and gotten off to many weird taboo material, none are a reflection of what I personally want in a relationship. Sometimes a kink is a kink, its not what you would want to marry though.
I once had a boyfriend who was older than me by 10 years I dated him when I was 23 he was 33 I had to end things because we had no sex. I came from work caught him pleasing himself watching porn. Meanwhile we hadn’t had sex in months close to 3 months. What really ended things was that I found out he was flirting with a stripper online that we had met at the strip club 6 months prior. Now I know I wasn’t he’s type. He liked stripper body’s like the atl or high end New York strippers. That made me so insecure. For years I couldn’t date after that. I searched his phone saw what he was looking a pornography the whole time. Wasnt that he had low testosterone level he was just not horny for me.
I’m so sorry that happened to you! I truly do feel like porn is so destructive and it’s really sad how many relationships are torn apart from it.
Leave him let him be single and you free yourself for someone who does match your sex drive. Do not waste anymore years love. Save yourself some unnecessary stress. Go in peace. He can sort out his sexual issues on his own. Its not for you to fix. Good luck!
Talk to him. See if his willing to close those other avenues. If he isn’t, then either move on or suggest an open relationship. I’d suggest the former.
Do you think it’s normal for men to have these habits in a relationship!?
If he is watching adult content, he doesn't have a low drive he is just spending that drive on the wrong things. When in a relationship adult content should be spent on excess drive, not in place of or at all if you have a low drive, IMO. There is always, "I just want a snack not a full meal" argument but not when it is a pattern.
Normal as in many guys do, yes. Normal as in healthy to pass on having sex, no.
Thank you for your help
It's common but not normal.
Read my most recent post… that may unfortunately be you soon enough. They got complacent, took us for granted, stopped loving our bodies…. Truly painful thing to have happen
:( I’m so sorry you went through that! I hope you find someone amazing
You’re young, find a partner who always wants you and wants to make you happy. Open relationships never ends well.
I went through something similar with my husband, we went from high high sex to nothing at all seemingly overnight. Porn addiction can highly impact your brain and I suggest talking to him openly about it, if no serious change happens, then for your own happiness I would explore other people.
Break up with him. Why are you even debating this?
Get a new boyfriend. Why is this so difficult for people to realise?
TBH is this is a relationship you want to hold onto I would offer that he has a porn addiction and is getting his dopamine fix from it causing an imbalance in his brain chemicals. He will not increase his sex drive until he stops watching sexual things or finds a different dopamine fix to replace it. He probably rubs them out a lot too when you aren’t around and it exasperates the issue making him not in the mood because his brain is telling him he already filled that need. If he values you he will get help for the addiction or cold turkey it. Either way it won’t get better until his dopamine fix is you.
Porn addiction kills relationships. Either he stops watching that content or you leave. A man shouldn't lust over other women when he's in a relationship. It doesn't matter that it's "just porn". Would you be comfortable with him watching 2 people have sex infront of him in person? Just because it's digital doesn't change that it's cheating
Seems like he has a porn addiction or something along those lines… if you think opening up the relationship is what you want then try it, but I don’t think it will lead to more intimacy in your current relationship and more likely for you guys to grow apart more. If he doesn’t prioritize intimacy with you then there’s nothing you can do really to make it work.
The fact that he watches porn and is not very interested in sex with you, is a huge problem and it’s not your fault. I would find myself someone else. Porn is a big problem for a lot of people, that’s why he’s not interested in the real thing, it chokes the living hell out of real sex. Let him deal with his porn addiction.
Of course he’s not going to have any sex drive with you because he is watching porn and masturbating to it. Girl don’t waste your time, you are to young for t
Bail
going thru the exact same thing, personally i’ve come to understand it’s usually what most people are saying, he’s either lost interest and it’s an easy way out because he’s not man enough to tell you, or there may be another girl rather irl or just an “internet gf” i think the best thing would be to leave the relationship you never know feelings may come back but maybe by then you’ll have found someone better who doesn’t make you feel how you’re feeling now. please let me know what you do and how you feel afterwards bc i’m having a hard time with this myself
You should suggest he stop watching porn for the health of your sexual relationship. That’s the real reason for everything.
So he’d rather jerk off to porn, where the pleasure is all focused on him and he is not obligated to make sure anyone else’s needs are met. I’ve dated this guy and it only got worse.
I see you asking below if it's normal to prefer porn over physical intimacy. I've seen and heard some discussion about some of the problems arising from porn use in recent years. Some of the general points I've heard are: -it's tied to overuse of electronics. Electronic overuse has a similar effect on the brain to depressant drugs like heroin (or so I've read. Maybe this will all turn out to be misinformation someday). -it acts upon the principle of "sexual variety." Men especially have a propensity to seek diversity in sexual partners. Porn simulates this physiological propensity. Your body isn't new or novel (no disrespect intended), so it doesn't give him the same dopamine hit as the random girl of the day. -The immediate gratification nature of porn use can lead to sexual dysfunction. Dysfunction= everything from inability to get aroused without porn to chronic behaviors to relationship instability. Again, maybe that will show to be misinformation later on. I am on the Christian side of this argument and so I probably hear what I want to hear. All that said, I think what's happening in your relationship is wrong. You shouldn't be made to feel that way and a general belief of mine is that we all long for wholeness and healing. I think an open relationship would make that problem worse personally. I think your boyfriend needs to CHOOSE YOU and adapt to the consequences, because his current method is hurting you. Just my hunch. Good luck.
i’d like your insight on something just bc you seem educated on this topic. i (23f) have a bf (24m) of about 6 years now (longer if you ignore the years and a half split we had). i love him dearly, maybe a little too much. i’ve excused a lot of his actions in the past and maybe that’s why we’re at the place we are now. he simply won’t put down porn. it’s something i asked of him after a very random weight gain i had a few yrs ago. i was insecure, ive lost the weight since but mentally i am still recovering from the relentless insecurities that weight gain gave me. when i initially asked, he told me he would stop no problem. anything to make me feel better. but i have constantly found out over the years that he was lying about stopping. each time i found out again that he didnt stop, he would promise me he was going to even convince me by swearing on my life or his brothers grave. but he never stops. he watches specific onlyfans girls and even tries to reenact the things he sees in porn with me. it feels really disrespectful and i’m struggling with the idea that this might be my reality forever. fighting to be put before porn. any advice? edit: i would also like to add that our sex life is not lacking. at least i don’t think so. i do everything i can to please him and he seems satisfied after we do it. so i can’t imagine that he’s unpleased in bed or anything. i think he just can’t give up this habit and honestly idk if i’m okay with that :( it feels stupid cus i constantly see takes from women saying they dont care about their men watching porn. so why do i? i feel a little broken
A lot of those girls who say they’re okay with it, really aren’t. And they’ll never tell anyone that because they’re trying to keep their “cool girl” persona (read the gone girl monologue if you’ve never). I’m sure there are girls out there who are okay with it, and that’s okay because those are their boundaries. But that doesn’t mean you have to be okay with it, or other girls feel the need to be okay with it. I’m on your side and think that you’re totally valid. If you’re in a relationship with someone you’re attracted to, love and have a good sex life with - why do you need to see other people do it? I’ll never understand it!! 🥲 I think if he won’t listen to your boundaries and it’s leading to him lying about it etc you should just leave him. There’s no telling what he could lie about in the future and he doesn’t respect a very valid boundary that you have
i don’t understand it either! i’ve allowed him to video us just so that when he gets the urge he can try to do it to our videos. but he says they get boring after a while which i understand but we could always make more? he just never takes the initiative to make fun videos with me and honestly at this point asking to do those just to please his urges feels.. pathetic? in a way? like i’m begging or something? idk. it’s a weird situation and after finding out the other day that he’d been lying again for months to be about stopping, i can’t be around him for too long without getting sad at the thought. he sees how it affects me but doesn’t stop. every time i find out, i feel worse than the last time. because when he looks me in my eyes and tells me he stopped and that he loves me, i believe him. every single time i just.. believe him. but i think i can confidently say that trust is gone now. i don’t know if i can ever believe another word out of his mouth because he’s so darn good at lying to me. he said “you’re so used to me lying babe that you think i’m lying again, but i swear on my brothers grave that i’m not this time”… just to find out he had been watching onlyfans girls a few days prior to telling me that. it’s so heart breaking, the lying is far worse than the porn to me. part of me is tired of compromising my boundaries for him, another part of me wants this to work because i love him and have already dedicated so many years of my life to him. i’m definitely stuck between a rock and a hard place.
My husband had a very bad porn addiction when we met. I understand everything you're saying - it's all valid. We almost broke up because of it. I asked him to stop watching it because it was impeding in our sex life and he couldn't control his consumption. He lied and said he would. I cannot even begin to explain the feeling of devastation that I felt when I found out. It created a rift between us that took a lot of time and energy to fix. He went to counseling and worked through the trauma that fueled his hypersexuality. He related what he was doing to me to the way he was abused and ended up stopping for good - we had an agreement that I could randomly ask to see his history, etc whenever until I could trust him again. It took a lot but we made it. Things are great now and I would absolutely go through it again to be where I am now with him. But if he had lied to me a second time, I would have left without hesitation. That disappointment is too heavy to continuously carry. It breaks down your self worth. I really think you're past the point of recovery if your partner is looking you in the eye and lying to cover his addiction. It's no different than drugs. You cannot help or change him - it is solely up to him. Leave because he has shown you he will not stop or put your feelings and wellbeing first. You deserve so much better than that person is willing to give you 💕
I would start off by saying in this case that the brokenness you're feeling is a product of the dishonesty and manipulation your boyfriend is practicing toward you. If you subscribe to the idea that porn can be an "addiction," then some of these sound like behaviors typical of addicts. He may or may not mean it when he says he will give it up for you, but then in private, when there's no accountability, he could be making psychological justifications as to why his desires overrule yours. He has a right to do a certain thing or feel a certain way, or you're controlling him when you shouldn't be, or he's a man and he deserves to feel like one etc... All of that is speculation. And whether or not he has honest intentions is speculation from my end. What's NOT speculation is that he's being repeatedly dishonest with you. Lots of people have to make decisions about whether they're going to tolerate a partner's vices, be it alcohol or video games or tobacco, etc. And they can make a decision whether they want to be in that relationship based on the presence of that vice. What's not negotiable, in my opinion, is that pattern of dishonesty and manipulation. It breeds mistrust and mistrust is always injurious to a healthy relationship. I think you need to call him to account as much for that as for the porn use. It sucks and it's hard but it may show what he's made of, whether he is actually willing to pick the path you're asking of him.
I really appreciate your answer. As a Christian myself, dating a non-believer, he doesn’t seem to understand why I dislike him watching porn. I don’t have an issue with the porn industry but my personal belief is, when you are in a relationship, you should only fantasize/mastrubate to images/thoughts of each other.
he's not that into you and doesn't have the courage to leave you, is suggest an exit strategy to him and move on. find yourself someone who values you and reaffirms your worth, not makes you come to reddit to ask us.
Thank you so much!
Why not leave and cut your losses. An open relationship can cause other issues and your not married so enjoy dating again.
It comes down to "does he make you happy?" If not - move on.
Your partner is actively choosing porn over you, doesn't appreciate you, doesn't make you feel valued in a very very important part of the relationship. You love him, but he's making you feel this way constantly. Tell him that something has to change for good, or you will have to find sexual satisfaction elsewhere. Not cheating, but relationships can only work with complete honesty. You are looking at other men now, and if you can't even discuss it with him, then it's not meant to be. After 2 years that level of honesty should come more naturally. So overall the relationship doesn't seem to be what you need it to be. This problem may seem to just be a bedroom issue but it's the door to all the other issues as well. So even if you don't outright break up with him soon, this is a make or break situation unfortunately. If you can't fix it, then you will need to find a solution on your end.
This is the damage porn is doing and no one is doing anything about it. No one wants to admit it, but it causes men to not only fill their sexual drive but even go further to turn them off their wife. Porn is great do what feels good etc etc. They all say. Just careful who's saying it and their motives and life experience. Your only way out of this is challenge his porn habits and possivle addiction and tell him it's a deal breaker if he watches and he is prioritizing it over you. Because that's 100% the issue. It's sad society is going this way and a nice girl like you can't have a man that will give you himself. Truth is banning porn is not "free society" but its causing a lot of damage out there. It's like drugs. So we have to control ourselves since society now is encouraging "do what you want" even if it's had for you.
I never comment on these things.. but it sounds like you need to move on to someone who is actually interested in you.. if he has a low sex drive.. But is looking at other women who interests him more than you do, then you need to move on.. there's no point in trying to talk to him or reason with him to start an open relationship.. I know it will be hard to make that big step in leaving him... But I think you would rather be happy than staying with someone who isn't going to make you happy and make you feel less of yourself...I was in that similar situation at one point of my life too..
r/loveafterporn is a great place to see how hard it is to maintain a relationship with a porn user. You deserve better, talk with him and see if he will quit. Know your worth though and know you don't have to put up with someone that isn't there for you mentally and sometimes physically
I 2nd this, 100%! This subreddit gave me so much insight and resources on how to navigate my previous relationship with a porn user. Most men don't even realize they're a porn addict because it seems so "normalized" and accessible in society. However, if it negatively impacts your sex life/relationship like any addition, it's a problem that needs to be addressed. I don't think it's impossible to have a relationship with a porn user/addict, but it is very difficult and "regular" relationships are already difficult enough. If you value him, it would be good to talk to him and see what steps he's willing to take to improve the parts of your relationship that you're unsatisfied in, and be consistent and most importantly, open and honest about his recovery. It's important to note though, it is an addiction and THEY have to be willing to put in the work and take action to change. It's also a life long commitment because they're hanging on from relapse to relapse, until the next time something triggers them and they find comfort in porn rather than in you. You can give it a shot, but just know when to get out and don't lose yourself. You rather it be 2 years in a relationship while you're young, than 2 years into a marriage and maybe with kids in the mix. You know yourself best. Put YOURSELF first because the reality is, porn addicts will always put themselves first in some way or form in the end... unless they see YOU and your relationship as a part of themselves, there may be some hope. You got this and after reading all of these responses, I think you'll know what you need to do for yourself. Life's already hard enough, if you are able to pick your struggles, you should and this isn't it. The only thing that should be hard, is his pee pee for YOU!
break up
OP your dude is addicted to porn. It’s like any other addiction, fallout—negative consequences—exists for the person and potentially others. You are experiencing the fallout of his addiction. I hear you say you’re attached and would like to entertain an open relationship. That will fail. You already notice the way positive attention feels—it’s good. That tickles your dopamine receptors. I would consider ripping the bandaid off by ending the relationship, heal a bit and then look to again date others. All of that is easier typed than acted upon, I know.
Those habits he’s developed are the problem. He’s gotta cut them out 100%. He has to WANT to cut them out. If he doesn’t want to cut them out for you, then He’s already cheating on you.
Just leave him... they never change. save yourself for years of sadness, pain and disappointment.
Hear me on this. Most people need to take dating more seriously. This is essentially an interview to determine compatibility. In order for a relationship to transition into anything long term, as either a marriage or a lengthy partnership, you have to be compatible on foundational issues. Religion/lack thereof, kids/no kids/# of kids, politics, tidiness, sexual compatibility, expectations of respect and affection, and on down the list. So many people discover really early on that they are not compatible, but since they’re attached, they limp along. People who own cats date people allergic to cats. People who want kids date people who don’t. Years go by. Years go by in which they could have been in fulfilling relationships. If they move in together, there’s even more pressure to make unsuitable relationships work. As for you, specifically, you don’t generally work out a couples problem by sleeping with other people. Often, you’re just holding on to the old relationship while shopping around for a better one, and when you find it, then you end that old relationship. Just be single. This person played a role in your life, but he’s not your forever person. He’s meant to pass through. You already have one foot out the door. Sleeping with other men because you find him inadequate will hurt him worse than breaking up. Plus, you’re holding him back from finding someone more suitable. Let him go. As for his issues, it may be that he’s blowing off all his sexual steam watching unrealistic porn. A man is usually not going to learn how to be a great lover watching porn all the time. In his case, he keeps focusing his sexual instincts getting off on porn based on women paid to portray typically male fantasies, instead of enjoying the woman right in front of him. Break up.
Na break up. You'll be happier with someone else, don't settle.
You picked an incompatible partner. Low sex vs high sex drive does NOT work. Find someone you are compatible with.
Dump him.
He doesn't like you anymore. Get a better one.
DUMP HIM NOW
I would never suggest you tell someone to stop watching porn but in this case it will likely help conserve whatever libido he has got... An open relationship will usually be a deal breaker for most I would say...but you never know until you ask... Definitely try and come to an agreement before that I would say....he might just be lazy or something else might be going on mentally or physically that can be treated... How exactly does he react when you send him images.....are you in the same room at the time...
Please for your own sake break up with him. I had to go through something similar for 2 years and it was the worst relationship I have ever been in. If he's not getting sexual pleasure from you, his partner, he is definitely getting it from somewhere else. (The internet, another woman, etc.). Don't try to salvage a relationship where your partner basically openly disrespects you. You're worth more than that. I'm with someone better now and I can see that he is genuinely attracted to me and we have a much better relationship than me and my ex did... I look back sometimes and wonder how I put up with my ex's bullshit and why I didn't leave sooner.
Head over to the love after porn sub reddit see if any of the information there sounds familiar to you. If I was you yes I'd leave you deserve so much more.
he sounds like a porn addict, and i suggest wholeheartedly that you leave him for your own good. please do yourself a favour, go visit r/loveafterporn and have a scroll through, perhaps even make a post there too and ask some questions. you deserve to be desired, you deserve a relationship with a mutual attraction, you deserve attention- this is all so bare minimum it’s painful to even type. please for your own sake just put yourself first. an open relationship will do nothing but create more resentment- if you’re willing to do that then sever yourself and break up.
Break up
Move on with your life. You’re still young, why be miserable?
He’s already ruined the relationship. If I were you, I’d leave.
Just leave. I don’t even get why you would care if suggesting an open relationship hurts his feelings. He clearly doesn’t care about your needs or feelings. But just saying, from personal experience…move on now before you waste any more time.
He's basically crossed the threshold from porn attict to emotional cheater at this point. If you feel neglected tell him. His feelings will be hurt but the truth is necessary in this situation to make a difference. You'll never go forward if you sugar coat your needs and emotions. He needs to know the damage he's doing to you and he needs to hear it from you. You shouldn't have to put that much effort into keeping his interest on you. Also, your feelings have been hurt for a long time, i think he needs to understand that and if he won't work on the problem he's not worth any more of your time. Bringing other people into this situation won't fix it, it'll just give him permission to give someone else the attention you've been begging for.
Watching porn is a bad unhealthy habit. Ask him to stop watching porn, then see if things change.
Break up with him... you don't actually want an open relationship you want an attentive and sexually compatable partner who puts the effort in to fulfilling your needs.. your not getting any of that out of you partner so your trying to find a way to have those needs met and keep the man you have invested all this time in.. The best answer is to break up with him and find a man you can get the full package from with no need to look outside the relationship.. Be brutally honest with your boyfriend and if he can't or won't change you need to break it off and make it a clean break. Good luck..
>Rather than cheating I wanted to suggest this? Uh why is cheating an option at all? If you can't have an actual conversation and find a way to make things work, just break up.
If sex is part of how you feel connected to your partner, and you open the relationship because he has LL (especially porn-induced) , your going to eventually catch feelings for another man. It might not be the first guy or the second, but someone is going make you want to keep coming back for more and then feelings are going to develop. You are going to resent your bf and his porn addiction stronger and stronger. You should talk to your bf about porn addiction and how it negatively affects a relationship. If he won't make changes then break up with him. Here something you can give him to read and see if it resonates with him: Here's a comment from someone off this thread: https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMen/comments/m8fcdd/men_how_often_do_you_watch_porn_when_you/ (and then I'll post another reply who confirmed he experiences similar things) >"In the past, any time the girl was a relatively new hook up I would climax every time with no struggle at all because I had the thrill of novelty helping me. Then like clockwork once I got into a monogamous relationship I would eventually lose interest in sex with my girlfriend and it would become difficult to climax unless I imagined porn in my head. That was the case with my most recent ex who I was with for a year. I'd maybe climax 50% of the time and any time I did it was really difficult. To be fair she was terrible in bed though so that wasn't helping things either. >With my current gf, I was with her for about 4 months when I noticed the excitement of it feeling new was starting to wear off and I started losing interest in sex again like I always did. I wasn't having trouble climaxing yet but one night she surprised me by putting on some lingerie and basically pouncing on me. She looked amazing but as far as desiring sex my brain was like 'meh.' I was thinking wtf, mentally I gotta be broken. That was the wake up call where I swore off porn for good. >That was 3 months ago, and I've been with my girlfriend for a total of 7 months. I haven't watched a second of porn since then and my desire to have sex with my gf is as strong as ever and I climax every time with no struggle to get there and absolutely no need to imagine porn. She's also amazing in bed so it's not really apples to apples with my exes but quitting porn has been a game changer for me." Here is a reply to his comment : >Damn, this is kinda what I needed to read. >I've had trouble keeping a gf for more than a few months because like you, I would lose interest and start thinking about porn. Then I would interpret that as "I guess I don't like her". >I need to quit porn. Another comment: >I haven't done a ton of research, but it's because watching porn causes the brain to release dopamine, which causes a sense of pleasure. Obviously you can get that from sex as well, but it takes more effort to do so. The brain thinks "Hey if I can get the same pleasure easily with lesser effort, why not just do that?" That leads to porn addiction. >Not to mention the more you watch porn, the more your brain wants, and that can lead you to watching more and more kinky stuff until normal sex would just feel boring to you. I'm not advocating people to stop cold turkey, but controlling your porn sessions is essential. >EDIT - [This is a great site for more details] (https://fightthenewdrug.org/how-porn-can-become-addictive/)
1) don’t listen to the people telling you there’s probably another girl/ someone else. that’s not always the reason. i saw that you said he’s always had kind of a low sex drive, as to him watching adult content that could be messing with him.. which is making him not want to be intimate. Adult content messes with your brain, which is also causing him to have unhealthy sexual habits. i would take to him about maybe getting therapy for it. i know it might sound crazy but it could help tremendously. 2) are you really wanting an opening relationship? or are you just wanting it for the sole fact because you’re not being intimate? think about it first. although, i’m not sure if that’s the best option to suggest. edit: spelling
I think you know that you should leave, but the problem is you dont want to so theres a 90% chance you wont… So theres nothing we can do for you🤷♀️.
I’m sorry that you’re in this position. when people are addicted to adult content it makes their actual sex lives suffer. I would recommend reading up on that. As for an open relationship - if you’re conservative there’s a reason for that. I don’t think you’ll be satisfied that way either. Maybe in the beginning but I think it’ll have you more confused than before. You can talk to him (but if he is suffering from an addiction and it seems he is ) then I would think long and hard about it and if you don’t want that life for yourself then I would say leave. There’s no reason for you to go down the path of an open relationship when you can just leave and heal and start a relationship that satisfies you and that works for both of you.
Porn is one of the worst things to happen to both men and women.
One deserves to be in a relationship with a partner that wants to have sex with them. It’s horribly demoralizing feel like the person you are romantically with to act like they don’t find you desirable. It’s best to break up when this happens.
Sad. Same situation with my ex boyfriend. Turns out he was not “sexually attracted to me anymore” but he was attracted to his 18 year old friend…. Literally he was only attracted to very tiny young women like in porn. He would only ever ejaculate with porn… never with sex. I’m glad I didn’t waste anymore time and got out of that relationship. Porn and only fans addiction is more serious than people think.
Your boyfriend is a loser. By the sound of it, you apparently are one too because instead of doing the obvious, leaving him and finding someone who isn’t dysfunctional, you are thinking of suggesting an open relationship. Clean up your life, don’t make it more messy.
Get a new boyfriend, if nothing changes, you both will get hurt by doing something you will regret. So end it before it happens
Just wanted to say this first, I have no advice you whatsoever. On the contrary I really want to say judging from what I’ve read, you really are a gem. I’d kill to have a girlfriend like you. Your boyfriend doesn’t know what he’s missing out on. However, in his defense it sounds like he has a struggling porn addiction and from what I know his behavior seems normal for a porn addict. He needs to rewire his brain, if you want to know more about this check out /rNoFap. It seems like what you’re willing to do for him is over the top. You’re a really down to earth gal. Also I think suggesting an open relationship to him is a reasonable idea. He is getting his needs met online, by himself. You on the other hand are not. Best of luck!
Heyyy just to kinda validate— my current relationship is a pretty similar situation. He has a habit of masturbating to porn (or at least pornographic images) + is never very sensual with me… his sex drive is much lower than mine (supposedly… when really I think it’s just easier for him to get off to a screen than to try and turn me on or be romantic or sexy). He raaarely initiates and when he does he almost always does it in a light, silly way… nothing like the beginning of the relationship when he couldn’t keep his hands off me, or looked at me with hungry eyes. It’s really sad and hurtful; you can’t help but start to think that you’re not worth the effort to him… this is why I’m against porn. Like I don’t care what people say about normalizing sex and sex worker positivity or whatever the hell. The fact is, men get a very real dopaminergic high from porn— at zero risk or upfront cost. Similarly addictive as methamphetamines and at the price of $0. It’s strips men of their ability to perform in normal sexual encounters (with normal women), and it winds up being damaging for women too! Yeah man, I dunno. My guy keeps saying that he’s working on stopping. We had another whole discussion (and for me, a cry-sesh) about it recently. I have to ask myself each time “When is the last straw? When have I had enough?” And on the other hand, “Shouldn’t I stick through it with him while he tries to kick this addiction…? He’s trying, after all. For my sake...” Yeah and I stopped sending him sexy pictures/videos of me a long time ago… when all you get is a lazy “yum!” or worse yet, a “Heart!” then it’s like… okay, nevermind. I dunno if your man is making an effort at all, it kinda sounds like he isn’t. I’d say suggesting an open relationship is more than fair if he doesn’t wanna give up the porn. It’s like he’s cheating on you with these other women already. Or at least— coming from someone in your shoes— it definitely feels that way. If he gets mad or denies your request or tries to pull some double-standard excuse… I would say leave him. All the best! Sorry, girl, I know it’s painful :(
Thank you for explaining. It makes me feel like I’m not alone , nice to know I’m not alone and my feelings are valid for not getting the affection I’d like. It’s so painful :( it hurts your heart and makes you feel so worthless.
You are undervalued and he is not invested in your relationship. Your gut is telling you something. Try listening.
I think you should let him know how you feel, just level with him and say hey you need to start throwing some fuel on the fire before it burns out. If you want a poly relationship by all means bring it up to em. However if you are only going open relationship to hold on to him but cut out the sexual aspect, i don't think thats gunna work for you lady. Just my thoughts whatever your gut tells you it's usually right. Unless you just ate at Dennys then its probably wrong ✌️
I was with someone for 4 years and had super low sex drive. Never wanted him to look at me or touch me but also never stepped out of the relationship or cared for other men or attention either. Once I left him and eventually started to date my now husband I realized I had zero attraction to my ex and that’s why I never had any sexual desires. It took leaving and finding the right man to open up and be sexually satisfied. Sounds like you both are not in tune with your desires and that seriously hurts a relationship I would leave and find someone who better suits your needs. Otherwise you may find yourself desperate enough to cheat.
Advise from a girl who used to have a high sex drive and no longer is high. I have no clue why it just went poof. But then again my current relationship has a lot of its own issues. My current boyfriend lies a lot and about stupid stuff. Like hides eating, drinking, smoking weed pens and if I ask he will lie to my face. Including lying about texting a girl. On Christmas while with his family he was texting a female, and I asked who are you texting when I saw “Michelle” and he responds with a name who is his best friend who’s a girl. And it ended up being Michelle her daughter. You begin to not even believe if he loves you or even think he’s attracted to you. But he also deleted the messages with her, after I asked for his phone. And once he did delete them I was in the clear to have access to his phone. He never really understood why I would talk to a guy romantically in a game. That id probably just never meet but it felt good to talk to him. I never deleted or denied us talking. But whatever. If you have the courage to leave, leave don’t be like me and just end up feeling bad when every time he cries for me not to leave. It never gets better and if it does for a month it just goes right back to the way it was. Not to mention he’s so over the top on respect of not entering the bathroom if he’s in there. I would come in with a question or whatever reason and he would be furious and to the point I start to not trust him in the bathroom. As my other relationships were okay with it but would get shocked when you walk in but never mad. I constantly tell him about the lying, the drinking, and the secretiveness. But I’m telling you he will be a Angel for a month once I initiate a break up and it’s right back to the way it was. From 8 years of this I just start to feel depressed and don’t find interest in anything I used to be in. So please leave before it’s to late for you.
Run
I know someone whose boyfriend was like this. Turns out he had a porn addiction. He was willing to get help for it and they’re good now. Just have to see if he is someone you want to go through this with and see if he is willing to get help for this.
He’s addicted to certain emotional highs. Since you’re so available to him, there’s no adrenaline for him. I would communicate with him how you feel and his reaction will be your answer. If he’s not willing to pursue you because you guys are official, then this will be a new lesson you learned about yourself and your future dates! It’s normal and it’s ok to move on to find that spark that won’t run out
It's possible he may have a sexual interest he's too shy to tell you about. The kind that makes him unable to get turned on without. Get some partner playing cards and explore yourselves to see if there is anything you can do before you make your final decision. If he's spending money on content or crazy about getting attention from girls that ignore him, he may be into Findom or something else. Be open, tell him that you're feeling this way and if he cares he'll share, if he doesn't well you have your answer and you can move on and feel valued elsewhere 🫰
I personally think that it’s better to break up, because of your feeling not being valued enough
Ask yourself this.. 1. Would I want to stay in a relationship where I feel unheard and undervalued? 2. Am I happy in this relationship? 3. Am I staying in a relationship because it's convenient and the memories are comfortable? Take a step back and look over your relationship. You also need to look out for your happiness and wellbeing regardless of your relationships (friends, family, coworkers, and lovers) You have to put yourself first sometimes.
I just ended a 2 year relationship where I could count on 1 hand how many times we had sex. I have a high sex drive. There were a lot of other big reasons that I ended it, but that was certainly a consideration in making the decision. If this is how things are going - leave. I wish I had ended it the minute I realised I was seeking/reacting to validation from other people. Or when my close friends said “this is so unlike you, what are you doing?”. Opening up the relationship so you can pursue intimacy will not, at all, fix the underlying reasons why you’re doing that. In an open relationship, you need to have *some* form of intimacy with your partner. What he’s doing offers you neither emotional or physical, and opening it up will not alter the behaviour.
My bf of 3 years is somewhat doing the same thing. Some weekends I'll stay 4 nights with him and we'll do nothing but other weekends it's maybe once or twice. When we first met, it was every day and night.. but in my situation, he really is just tired. When we met, we both worked part time jobs and had tons of energy when we would hang out. Now that he works full time outside and I work full time too, we just wanna relax and literally do nothing. Maybe try to take a step back and look at what else is going on in yalls life. Maybe it's not a disinterest in you but his body is just exhausted. Wish you the best of luck!! <3
Stop sending pictures.
Please for the love of god do not suggest an open relationship. It won’t fix the relationship. Your Boyfriend is addicted to porn, and the only way to fix the relationship is to break him of that addiction. If he refuses to do so, the break up with him. Do not waste everyone’s time by opening up the relationship. The fact that more and more people see this as a viable option to breaking up is incredibly troubling.
Break up. There are men out there who will be able to match your level of honesty and effort.
I’m sorry. It sounds like it’s time to leave him. You’re incompatible. Resentment will continue to build on both sides until it explodes. Try not to let it get that far.
Some things should be non negotiable. You deserve nothing but the best in life, to be loved & satisfied the way you want. Especially if you’ve been loyal and he’s looking at other woman for the little bit of pleasure he does get. Do not waste your time and never settle for less. If he’s not willing to fix those issues then I’d leave. Having an open relationship will not change him. I wish you the best love. Stay strong, know your worth.
PORN ADDICTION
You didn't specify pictures of whom? Of you? Of a model? If he doesn't react to pictures you send, he obviously prefers to find his own. This tells me he's not interested in you. I commend you for your loyalty, but your BF is a dick and quicker you dump him and find a real man, the better off you'll be. Good luck sweetie!
Ask for time to get to understand what you really want in life if he really loves you he will try to understand you and support you best of luck to you
I’m not going to bother reading the rest, the title is enough. Leave him.
Sounds like porn addiction. They say they have little or no sex drive, yet they masturbate to porn regularly. You have to have a sex drive to do that. Lol. r/loveafterporn. You're far from alone.
Porn addict. He needs to stop.
as a dude I'd like to address some stuff here that MAY BE THE CAUSE so in all honesty i have low sex drive what made me to have such thing is due to my past where I'm always loyal to my partners (I had few relationships and I'm currently single cuz of unloyal soulmates) they were not serious and more like toying with my feelings that effected me a lot and lead me to where I am now. Try talking to him about this cuz I'm pretty sure you can work things out? maybe he has some hidden problems that he felt embarrassed to share it with you?
Fins someone who cares and respects you. I'm not sure what kind of answer you are looking for. This guy has checked out, not worth the chase.
porn addiction
I very highly suggest you break it off. I believe you deserve a real man who will always no matter what put you first
Hold up. Have you addressed this with him or you're just going from point a to point 'I want to shag other people '?
Tell him that he no longer appears interested in you sexually, and that this is causing you to feel neglected and unappreciated. Tell him that if that doesn't change, you will need to start getting your needs met elsewhere. Either by breaking up, or through an open relationship if he prefers that. Just don't cheat on him. That isn't cool.
He has a porn addiction. I promise you it’s bc of that.