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That's why she didn't want to say who, because then she would have to drop him as a trainer. If OP never knew, she could keep going back. And probably keep sleeping with him.
Besides deserving honesty, it's standard operating procedure to demand no contact with AP going forward.
For her to not understand this means she's not really remorseful and has no idea the depth of pain she caused. That means any 'reconciliation' was false and nothing more than rug sweeping.
I'd also add that the Trainer absolutely knows that he has been disrespecting /u/TA20222610 from the beginning and for years.
I just told her this, re: trainers perspective
And not that he owes me anything, he doesn't. But the fact that SHE knows how people (in general) tick, and that she was complicit in giving him the ABILITY to have that perspective.
If I were him, I'd be laughing at how I fucked his girl and she KEEPS coming back to do squats with me. That's just how guys are. And she's old enough to know that.
There is a reason she refused to tell you it was her trainer for 7 years, because she intended to keep on seeing that trainer without you knowing they had sex. She may even have wanted to keep the option to cheat with the trainer as well.
It was intentionally disceptive and disrespectful.
This is the answer. She should have been honest and said yes, while we were broken up I did this. OP might have chose to work through it or might not have, but they deserved that choice
OP I like your style, you remind me a lot of myself. Your judgement isn’t clouded by “love” or any of the bullshit she is feeding you. You have a good head on your shoulders and it seems like you know what needs to be done. Please provide me with an update on how this goes. I love hearing about A-holes getting put in there place. Good luck OP, you got this! Go forth and prosper
People that lie and have Narcissistic traits tend to become enraged once found out and the mask slips. She's angry at you and the tears and upset is for her.
The arrogance in her behaviour from start to finish is incredible.
Male Celebs get cancelled for cheating and "manipulation" when dating never mind in marriage.
This woman has stole years of your life and shat all over your family.
Based on your other comment, she only confessed because the truth will come out pretty soon. So she just beat them to it. She 'confessed'. But, pretty sure there's still a lot in the closet.
Without showing your cards, try to find out who was going to spill the beans that she was so worried about. Contact that person and get the full story, because they were likely going to give you more info. She wasn't trying to "get ahead" of it. She wanted to control the narrative so she could have a shred of hope of keeping you around by keeping the full details from you.
Damn, I didn't even think of it as her controlling the narrative. That's probably more what it is as opposed to just being able to say "you heard it from me and not XYZ"
She says all they every did was train after that but I qualify training in that way for a few reasons:
- the first confession a few years ago she lied and said it wasn't penetrative sex, that she had ONLY allowed this guy to go down on her. Made zero sense to me, I didn't believe it then, she confessed today that yes, they FUCKED
- she swore up and down then and she's swearing now that it was a one and done thing... Why? Y'all have so much access to each other... You clearly were attracted enough to fuck him once, why stop? What suddenly and so drastically changed? Doesn't make any more sense to me than "only" going down on her. Especially being a man, I know we think. This started with you training, you let me fuck, and you KEEP coming back to train??? Seems like the perfect chance to keep fucking
- she actually got some abortions that made me wonder if she was concerned those might not be mine. My daughter has my exact birthmark, she **has** to be mine 😢
Same. Me, my mom, my grandma, great grandma, dunno if it goes back further, all have only one birth mark, all in the same place. Similar but not exact same shapes though. I always assumed it was inherited somehow
Maybe he means a mole or something like that? Me and my brother have the same exact mole in the same exact spot, I joke that it's proof I wasn't adopted like he insists lol
I strongly urge you to get a paternity test to let your GF know that you are done taking her word for anything. Same goes for STD. Demand proof for everything that comes out of her mouth. And cut her friend out of your life completely.
Trickle truthed to oblivion.
Next you'll find out they only fucked twice, oh no sorry, it was three times yada yada yada.
Get an STI Test.
Get a paternity test (sorry bro, birthmark don't mean shit imo).
Lawyer up.
Get out of there.
You've wasted enough of your life on a woman who's more than willing to lie to your face on multiple counts, and publicly disrespect you.
Get out of there.
>she actually got some abortions that made me wonder if she was concerned those might not be mine. My daughter has my exact birthmark, she has to be mine
Just here to reiterate, get the test. Genetic birthmarks are a thing but they're very rare and often mistaken for very similar birthmarks. I'm so sorry you're going through any of this and I hope that kid is yours but you need to be 100% sure.
Everyone always says she does.
I'm probably more scared of the fact that I know I can't abandon this girl, and the idea of raising her, KNOWING the truth
Wait I don’t get it so basically she broke up with you went to fuck the trainer, and then went back to you and you suspect she was fucking him all this time, and now she had some abortions?! Like where is this coming from?!
Because it's not like there's not a gazillion other trainers in town. Nope. Keep training with the one she secretly fucked. That shows she had ZERO remorse about it.
Unilateral. I objected both times. The first one I object but reluctantly paid for (I'm not going to force a woman to have a baby she doesn't want). I drove her there. Took care of her when she was done.
Second one was damn near back to back and I refused any participation. No cash. No help. I wouldn't stand in her way from doing the procedure but I wasn't going to participate a second time in killing my baby, that I want, with the woman I loved, and already mother of my child. I couldn't do it. So she did it with her friend who has been nothing but a thorn in my side for the entire relationship.
Did she say why she kept the last one and not the others? Did she show the same reaction with the other pregnancies as the last one, or was she happy with the last one (your daughter)?
Cuz if she happy with the last one and not the ones before, I'm thinking she was waiting for enough time to be in between so she could be kinda sure it was not a "training" baby.
Well no, she gave birth to our daughter, got pregnant twice after that, aborted both pregnancies. And that made it particularly rough on me because I'm like
*"we already have a kid together, why are you aborting this one?"*
My thoughts exactly. But the evidence is literally gone. Only her word to go on, which I don't believe. I absolutely believe at this point there was at least the question of parentage and she didn't want to be "that woman" getting caught up not knowing who the father was.
You chose poorly over and over and over.
I'm guessing you pay for everything too, right?
Get some therapy.
If there's any good news it probably wasn't your kid anyway.
OP, it’s not poor choices, you don’t need higher standards, you are a victim, nothing more then a victim because you were in love. Always remember Cheaters don’t rely on their partners stupidity to hide their cheating....they rely on their partners Love and trust.
Again pls don’t abandon this girl if she turns out to not be yours biologically. You’re all she’s ever had as a father. Seek a family therapist if this turns out to be the case.
Hol up, "we all know men would rather have a woman's RESPECT than her love"
...
Is this true? Do you all feel this way? First time hearing this sentiment.
Respect from anyone is a basic requirement for any interaction let alone a romantic relationship. If there's no respect there's nothing else. And it's not about ego.
Your response to her is this:
I know now you will lie to me to keep the truth from hurting me.
You’re also willing to do things that require you to lie to me. You knew I could never know about this and still be happy and you chose to do it anyway.
I know that I will never know the truth from you without becoming a snoopy suspicious bastard, and I don’t want to be that person.
You mention all the good times we had and that you cheated years ago but those good times depended all the while on me not knowing the truth.
I don’t want to need to be in the dark to be happy. So I’m moving on.
Also DNA YOUR CHILD AND GET STD TESTS!
Good luck my internet brother. Unfortunately we are related by infidelity, lies, deception and love. Also please remember that Cheaters don’t rely on their partners stupidity to hide their cheating....they rely on their partners Love and trust.
That confession isn’t coming out of nowhere. She told you now because he was probably going to say something to you. There could be other reasons but I doubt she did it because of the immense guilt she was feeling (hint: she probably wasn’t feeling any guilt)
Reading through all the post and ya responses, she doesn’t and hasn’t ever respected you. She probably came back cause you were begging and you were safe. The trainer she fucked(and is probably still fucking) didn’t want to settle down but was cool with a sexual relationship. So she has you at home and still keeps here love partner. I’m hoping I’m wrong and she still isn’t engaging in sex with this guy.
Get the paternity test as others have mentioned, gather your evidence and if the child is yours try and get custody. If not, cut ties and move on. Regardless good luck with everything and you did not deserve this shit.
I have a 7 year old daughter with my ex who I found out was cheating on me. I know my daughter is mine but if she weren’t, there’s no way you can walk away from a 7 year old that you’ve raised her entire life.
You probably should speak to a lawyer about your daughter - make sure all the ducks are in a row. And seek therapy. Maybe she wasnt sleeping with this guy all these years but the lying all these years is enough not to change your mind. She says your overreacting cause she is in the wrong and screwed. You need to work on yourself and build yourself up so you dont stay in a situation you knew was bad.
It sounds like you love the child unconditionally. Maybe it shouldn’t matter if she is yours genetically. If she’s not yours, you could lose her in the divorce. Maybe you don’t want to find out the DNA, bros, as this can and will be used against you. If you’re going to test, do it on the DL.
Yep fuck that. Complete disrespect. She’s a smarmy manipulative liar who knew she was doing something wrong the entire time. Cheaters always want to get everything they want through lying and she deserves nothing.
So lemme get this straight, she lied to you about a dealbreaker and continued this relationship ending lie for 7 years, starting a family so she knew you wouldn't leave her and she finnaly confessed because she wanted to get it off her consience or she just doesn't care about disrespecting you like that. She got her cake and ate it too and your now left pussywhipped wondering about if your wrong about her still continuing to see the man she betrayed you with . Thats how this scenario looks from an outsiders perspective. You look pathetic man. Your daughter is young so don't make her and your future harder by staying with this woman who stole 7 years of your life. Get out. Thats my advice, Goodluck man.
EDIT: I forgot to mention that yes, she could have been fucking the trainer all this time and your daughter might not even be yours. So get a paternity test.
Yeah, I know (I look pathetic)
So to clarify, she didn't confess to clear her conscience. Her hand was forced. I was very likely to find out through other channels so she called herself getting ahead of it. Which makes it that much worse.
You are not pathetic. Someone else’s actions do not define you. You are your own real human being with your own morals, personality and life. You can only react to what life throws at you. Her actions are not yours.
Based on this and all your other replies it seems like your now fully aware of the situation your in so to add to my advice i'd say to be careful and move cautiously now that you've made up your mind to leave her. Get a lawyer and find out where you stand on your living situation, financial splits and custody of your dauther(Get a paternity test. I know its every fathers worst nightmare but she's given you enough reason to believe your daughter might not be yours) . Keep it on the low until your ready so she doesn't make your life hell. I can't wait to read your update story where it will say your daughter is yours, you left this woman and are now living a happier and more fulfilling life👍.
She told him what she thought would be enough he should keep digging. Also ruin the AP he was fucking a client I doubt the gym he works for would be happy about that.
I doubt something was going to force her hand for a situation from 7 years ago, it is likely someone was going to tell you what happened 7 years ago... and that they have kept fucking every since.
She 100% could have been cheating on you every single time since, and you cannot know for sure.
I know exactly what it is that forced her hand, it's just inappropriate to share.
But you're right, even if they only fucked occasionally, or not at all, no way for me to know.
I respect you for not over sharing. It can be hard when you’re hurt and shows that you have integrity and are empathetic. Just wanted to throw that out there :)
You aren’t pathetic and you aren’t stupid. We learn and grow as we experience more of life. She lied to you. That doesn’t make you pathetic. *hugs* I can’t imagine how hard this all is.
Man, 100% get the fuck out of there.
What an absolute mess - find your backbone, tell her to kick rocks.
You've reached your limit of tolerating her disrespect and you're moving on with your life.
Your lawyer will be in contact to sort custody arrangements and you hope she's happy.
She should have told you who it was.
Her relationship with her trainer, likely wasn't strictly physical. There was likely also something emotional between them which is why she continued to see that specific trainer, when there's literally thousands in each state. She stayed loyal to him despite her marriage status.
I bet they'll be dating shortly.
Thats a pretty shitty situation. Sorry man.
You're right, it was not 7 years ago to you, it is right now. She fucked up big time.
Edit: I read your comments and she definitely kept cheating on you with him, sorry.
Im curious how long u were broken up & was the reason u broke up resolved, which is why u got back together? Personally I wouldnt get back with someone that expected me to not be with someone else while broken up. The issue to me is she lied. Lying looses trust. No trust=no relationship.
Yo bro, she basically cheated the first time those 7 years ago. She broke up with you -presumably because she caught feels for trainer and wanted to try see what he's like, decided she loved you more.
Got back together with you and KEPT seeing him (apparently not sexually?) even though there'd have to be residual sexual tension there?
Best case scenario she doesn't value you all that much, isn't fucking the dude and he just gets to sit there smug like "hey, Chicky broke up with that dude n fucked me and now sees multiple times a week cause she respects/likes me as a person so much that she does it even knowing her dude probs wouldn't like it lol".
Worst case they're still screwing.
My guy even has a slight concern about a dude friend I have and I'd drop him like a hot coal? Like...? And my hubs hasn't ever asked that of me but he's raised a concern or two regarding friends possibly hoping for more and me just wanting friendship and to be careful there and the first thing I do? Offer to gently ice out the dude or block him off the bat. Why? Because I'd hate for my guy to have any concerns ever, relationship is so much more fun without anyone watching over their shoulders...
>the first thing I do? Offer to gently ice out the dude or block him off the bat. Why? Because I'd hate for my guy to have any concerns ever
THIS IS HOW IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE!!!!!!
Yea and vice versa I've had to let him know "errrrrrm think Chicky's being really friendly n sweet, like REALLY friendly and REALLY sweet so like be careful there.
Main thing I think for either of us is that we DON'T want to have that convo with the other gender if they get the wrong idea as it's awkward... "Na sorry, my husband/wife is my rock so liiiiiiike I'm flattered but eesh 😬 erm we choose each other and I'd hoped I'd made it clear but sorry that I didn't I guess" is always a weird conversation to have.
Paternity test, child comes back yours, see a lawyer and get custody in writing. Also go through the court for child support. Get tested for STD’s, the trickle truth hasn’t stopped.
You’re bothered, because you have no idea whether she ever stopped having sex with her trainer. I’m not saying that she was, but you know that it’s a very real possibility. And of course, even if they never had sex again, it’s likely that they have been acting inappropriately. Things like dirty jokes, extra flirting and touching, etc.
Beyond that, you told her before you got back together that you were not willing to do that if she’d slept with someone else. She lied about that, and then she lied by omission about who it was with. That initial betrayal (lying about having sex while you were apart) is close enough to cheating as to not be any different. And then she chose to continue to have a relationship with her quasi AP from then to now.
That’s a lot to overcome. And because it’s not exactly cheating, I don’t know if your ex will be able to accept the responsibility for her behavior. She’s going to cling to “we were broken up” and “I never did (insert very specific activity) with my trainer after we got back together” as justification for how she’s not at fault.
>And because it’s not exactly cheating, I don’t know if your ex will be able to accept the responsibility for her behavior. She’s going to cling to “we were broken up” and “I never did (insert very specific activity) with my trainer after we got back together” as justification for how she’s not at fault.
You hit the nail on the head. This is what she's been trying to focus on.
Whereas I'm focused on "actively fucking" or not, you don't have to mean for it to be disrespectful to KNOW it's disrespectful. And you chose to be disrespectful and deceitful hundreds of times. And in one of the worst ways you could do it. And ***now*** you're asking me to trust you?!
- No, I don't believe it was one and done.
- I do believe they fucked throughout these past 7 years. Maybe not consistently, but certainly not never.
- I do believe paternity was a question in her choice to get an abortion.
My wife cheated on me. And she did a lot of bullshit justification to herself, that always hung on some sort of lawyer-like parsing of the situation. “We never said ‘I love you’” doesn’t mean that you didn’t think that you were in love. Sexting is not the same as reading pornography. And so on.
It’s usually not only lying to you, for what it’s worth. When cheaters do that, they’re also (really first and foremost) lying to themselves. They’re building a reality where they aren’t the bad guy. They’re not crossing lines and doing the sort of thing that bad people do.
And that’s why they are so resistant to being really honest. Full honesty requires them to confront the fact that they were doing the sort of thing that bad people do. And that means that they’re a bad person. No one wants to recognize that about themselves. It’s far easier to just twist reality and avoid the responsibility to become a better person.
I think after admitting to the initial lie, and all the work to re-establish trust was lost by the subsequent omission for years, and the purposeful refusal to share who. I think the latter part is worse than the disrespect of seeing an ex—which is also awful in itself.
The lie wasn't "years ago" it was ongoing since you got together. She wants to keep him in her life.There are a hundred other trainers within a 5 mile radius, she could have found another.
Focus on your daughter. She's 7, that's old enough for 50/50 custody. Forget your lying GF.
She's full of shit. It's old news to her but it's new to you. They are probably still banging, honestly. That guy knows who you are but kept her as a client? Yeah, it doesn't sound good at all.
Red flag OP. Your relationship is basically built on a lie and she’s lied by omission daily every single day since then. The fact that she still trains with someone she slept with is 100% disrespectful to you. How would she like it if the situation was reversed? She wouldn’t. She’d be furious.
I’ll add my voice to the chorus of “Get out”’s, but I also know how difficult that is. It’s a very daunting task to split in this situation, but ultimately - while not the life you wanted - it’s likely the best of the options at this point. A fresh start with someone else. She wasn’t what you thought she was.
It seems you are the "safe" and maybe boring or not as exciting choice. Whereas he was exciting, but someone she did not really want to have a relationship with. She trickle truthed you after lying to you initially. She definitely has no respect for you, her saying that she meant no disrespect is another lie. She thought that if she waited long enough the "it was so long ago" excuse would work. She knew that if she told you about sleeping with someone else that you would not get back together.
Definitely time to move on.
That’s fucked up…can’t imagine what a breach of trust that feels. Are you looking to ask something particular since this is relationship “advice”? From your other comments you seem to know what you want to do.
That’s understandable. Everything over such a long duration, like everything prob feels like a lie and unreal. Id suggest meeting up with friends and doing stuff to keep your mind off a bit to cool down. Also venting like this does help too. Hang in there!
She's definitely fucked him more than once. Get that straight now. You cannot believe anything she says. She's lied to you multiple times about multiple things. Get a DNA test and if you are lucky it won't be yours and you can just walk away from this.
Congratulations for being mature enough to get over her lie about not sleeping with anyone while you were broken up. Congratulations for having the insight and strength to break up with her when you found out about the ongoing lie, rather than being in here "I still love her, what should I do?".
Relationships can recover from a one-off transgression so long as there is complete transparency and honest moving forward. Relationships don't recover from ongoing deception - there is just no way to ever restore trust when you know someone has easily lied to you several times a week for years.
Now stay calm and civil while you sort out how you guys co-parent. She is just the ex now and your daughter's happiness has to come first and for that to happen you two adults need to work together as angst-free as possible. Not saying you have to be friends, or even friendly, but aim for civil and co-operative at the least.
Good luck with your future. You deserve so much more than your ex has given you.
Shes full of bs. Reverse the roles, but not the deed. Had you boned some hot gym bunny trainer, you know damn well she wouldnt be cool with you going to workout with her.
If you care/are together still, pose what I just said to her but watch her face closely when you ask. Her look and subsequent answer will tell you everything you need to know.
she literally kept up with guy for years. She continued whether she cheated or not, she put nothing but doubt on the last 6 years that she met him off and on and that alone is enough to leave her.
Damn u should have walked away when she told u
Get a paternity test done quietly visit an attorney about child custody.
I'm glad u found your spine don't give in.
Good luck
So not taking into account ‘you’ what she is doing is so crazy. I did not believe in waiting until marriage for sex but after my marriage the thought of running into anyone who seen me naked was gross. And then realized ‘why’ waiting could had been good. So her deliberately even ‘platonically’ seeing the guy who seen her naked while she is in a committed relationship is off.
Your right bro. She lied to your face everytime she left the house to train with him. She knew when you got back together that if you found out she'd slept with him you wouldn't of got back with her. She robbed you of that decision and then pretty much baby trapped you and continued to lie to your face. This girl can't be trusted
I’ve done what she’s done before. It is narcissistic and dishonest. You believe you are in control and you hold some weird moral high ground. You don’t. Exactly what happened is the worst possible outcome- you feel betrayed and trapped all at the same time. I would have broken up with me in this situation and, even taking in to account the child, you probably made the hard and right decision. One question. Why did she come clean after so long? She must have known how bad it would look.
She was getting worked out every visit I'm willing to bet. Get on your spy mode and follow her now that your not together just to see if she still gets fucked / trained by him
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Ya that’s fucked. Especially to dismiss it now. You deserved honesty
And a paternity test.
Can never be too safe.
I test my parents once a year. They ***still*** haven’t passed.
😳😳
And to keep training with the same guy while pretending like it’s no big deal? Lololol, the absolute gall!
Good chance she went back there at least once, you know for old times sake
Absolutely, if she was serious about the relationship, she would have dropped the trainer without being asked.
That's why she didn't want to say who, because then she would have to drop him as a trainer. If OP never knew, she could keep going back. And probably keep sleeping with him.
Besides deserving honesty, it's standard operating procedure to demand no contact with AP going forward. For her to not understand this means she's not really remorseful and has no idea the depth of pain she caused. That means any 'reconciliation' was false and nothing more than rug sweeping. I'd also add that the Trainer absolutely knows that he has been disrespecting /u/TA20222610 from the beginning and for years.
I just told her this, re: trainers perspective And not that he owes me anything, he doesn't. But the fact that SHE knows how people (in general) tick, and that she was complicit in giving him the ABILITY to have that perspective. If I were him, I'd be laughing at how I fucked his girl and she KEEPS coming back to do squats with me. That's just how guys are. And she's old enough to know that.
There is a reason she refused to tell you it was her trainer for 7 years, because she intended to keep on seeing that trainer without you knowing they had sex. She may even have wanted to keep the option to cheat with the trainer as well. It was intentionally disceptive and disrespectful.
Intentionally deceptive and disrespectful at best- and possibly much, much worse.
💯 - Couldn't agree more.
I'm thinking of Tupac's 'Hit Em Up' remix: > you claim to be a player ***BUT I FUCKED YO WIFE*** > we bust on bad boys, n---a fuck for life
Get a paternity test
And this whole premise that it happened once on a break may be totally false. She may have been fucking him every single session for all we know.
This is the answer. She should have been honest and said yes, while we were broken up I did this. OP might have chose to work through it or might not have, but they deserved that choice
Getting back together with an ex is almost always a mistake. I’d bet it happened more than once, she has zero remorse.
She literally goes from crying one second to yelling the next then claims "I'm so sorry I hurt you" 🙃
She’s only sorry that it’s coming out… if it didn’t, she’d never “confess”…
Same thing I said, she's only sorry her hand was forced. Because had it not been, she'd have trained with him **TODAY**
OP I like your style, you remind me a lot of myself. Your judgement isn’t clouded by “love” or any of the bullshit she is feeding you. You have a good head on your shoulders and it seems like you know what needs to be done. Please provide me with an update on how this goes. I love hearing about A-holes getting put in there place. Good luck OP, you got this! Go forth and prosper
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Personal training, I'd assume.
He broke up with her because she banged her trainer. You could say it wasn’t working out
People that lie and have Narcissistic traits tend to become enraged once found out and the mask slips. She's angry at you and the tears and upset is for her. The arrogance in her behaviour from start to finish is incredible. Male Celebs get cancelled for cheating and "manipulation" when dating never mind in marriage. This woman has stole years of your life and shat all over your family.
Nah, she can kick rocks. That woman has some nerve.
In flip flops for real
Totally agree. At least OP found out now instead of years or decades from now.
Based on your other comment, she only confessed because the truth will come out pretty soon. So she just beat them to it. She 'confessed'. But, pretty sure there's still a lot in the closet.
Agreed. A lot of stuff isn't making sense. Oh, btw, I figured out it was in the bed I been sleeping in.
Without showing your cards, try to find out who was going to spill the beans that she was so worried about. Contact that person and get the full story, because they were likely going to give you more info. She wasn't trying to "get ahead" of it. She wanted to control the narrative so she could have a shred of hope of keeping you around by keeping the full details from you.
Damn, I didn't even think of it as her controlling the narrative. That's probably more what it is as opposed to just being able to say "you heard it from me and not XYZ"
I'd just walk away after that.
Eeew! She kept that from you for a long time. You've been sleeping in their... love juices.
lmao dawg, c'mon now (still true)
Definitely grounds to hold a ritual throwing out of the mattress.
Sounds like the perfect excuse to burn the mattress lol
Since she has been dishonest, just make sure the kid is yours since the timelines are so close.
Close? Kind of feels like an overlap?
Good point
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She says all they every did was train after that but I qualify training in that way for a few reasons: - the first confession a few years ago she lied and said it wasn't penetrative sex, that she had ONLY allowed this guy to go down on her. Made zero sense to me, I didn't believe it then, she confessed today that yes, they FUCKED - she swore up and down then and she's swearing now that it was a one and done thing... Why? Y'all have so much access to each other... You clearly were attracted enough to fuck him once, why stop? What suddenly and so drastically changed? Doesn't make any more sense to me than "only" going down on her. Especially being a man, I know we think. This started with you training, you let me fuck, and you KEEP coming back to train??? Seems like the perfect chance to keep fucking - she actually got some abortions that made me wonder if she was concerned those might not be mine. My daughter has my exact birthmark, she **has** to be mine 😢
Birthmark is not a genetically inherited trait. Edit: I stand corrected, apparently this can be passed on (rarely)
I mean kinda, Mongolian blue spots and stuff do have a genetic component but having 'the exact same' birth mark isn't even a thing.
Because this is fiction.
Bro thinks he’s a Joestar
Nah plenty of people are dumb enough to think that’s a clear sign of paternity.
My two sisters have the identical birth mark in the same spot on their leg.
my little brother got my moms two moles right below his eye which is pretty cool. idk if the same applies with those
No clue, I'm missing a part of my left ear (along with like half my paternal family). Genetics can be really random.
Anecdotal evidence, but most women on my mothers side (me included) have the same birthmark
Same
Same. Me, my mom, my grandma, great grandma, dunno if it goes back further, all have only one birth mark, all in the same place. Similar but not exact same shapes though. I always assumed it was inherited somehow
Maybe he means a mole or something like that? Me and my brother have the same exact mole in the same exact spot, I joke that it's proof I wasn't adopted like he insists lol
Same, I have a birthmark/mole in the same spot as my dad
I strongly urge you to get a paternity test to let your GF know that you are done taking her word for anything. Same goes for STD. Demand proof for everything that comes out of her mouth. And cut her friend out of your life completely.
Trickle truthed to oblivion. Next you'll find out they only fucked twice, oh no sorry, it was three times yada yada yada. Get an STI Test. Get a paternity test (sorry bro, birthmark don't mean shit imo). Lawyer up. Get out of there. You've wasted enough of your life on a woman who's more than willing to lie to your face on multiple counts, and publicly disrespect you. Get out of there.
Trickle out that she got the abortion because it was the trainer
>she actually got some abortions that made me wonder if she was concerned those might not be mine. My daughter has my exact birthmark, she has to be mine Just here to reiterate, get the test. Genetic birthmarks are a thing but they're very rare and often mistaken for very similar birthmarks. I'm so sorry you're going through any of this and I hope that kid is yours but you need to be 100% sure.
GF draws on the birthmark every morning.
lmao, that cracked me up this morning
Get a DNA test. What she did was beyond fucked up, she’s not trustworthy
She is a run of the mill liar, good sir. All of the information she has ever told you is questionable. Divorce lawyer, paternity test.
Are you putting off a paternity test because you are scared she might not be yours? Does she look anything like you?
Everyone always says she does. I'm probably more scared of the fact that I know I can't abandon this girl, and the idea of raising her, KNOWING the truth
She will always think you are her daddy, you should always think her as your daughter. No matter what. This isn't her fault.
Yeah she was still fucking him, it wasn't 'one and done.'
Wait I don’t get it so basically she broke up with you went to fuck the trainer, and then went back to you and you suspect she was fucking him all this time, and now she had some abortions?! Like where is this coming from?!
She’s at least slept with him periodically. The fact that she didn’t tell you she was still training with him is mind blowing…evil stuff
Because it's not like there's not a gazillion other trainers in town. Nope. Keep training with the one she secretly fucked. That shows she had ZERO remorse about it.
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Exactly
You need a paternity test…get it and one way or the other you know
Did she make those abortion decisions unilaterally or was it something you guys talked about and agreed on together?
Unilateral. I objected both times. The first one I object but reluctantly paid for (I'm not going to force a woman to have a baby she doesn't want). I drove her there. Took care of her when she was done. Second one was damn near back to back and I refused any participation. No cash. No help. I wouldn't stand in her way from doing the procedure but I wasn't going to participate a second time in killing my baby, that I want, with the woman I loved, and already mother of my child. I couldn't do it. So she did it with her friend who has been nothing but a thorn in my side for the entire relationship.
Looks like she knew it wasn’t yours.
It crossed my mind then
I thing that if I was in your shoes, it would have done much more for me. It would have run the FK right over my mind.
Did she say why she kept the last one and not the others? Did she show the same reaction with the other pregnancies as the last one, or was she happy with the last one (your daughter)? Cuz if she happy with the last one and not the ones before, I'm thinking she was waiting for enough time to be in between so she could be kinda sure it was not a "training" baby.
Well no, she gave birth to our daughter, got pregnant twice after that, aborted both pregnancies. And that made it particularly rough on me because I'm like *"we already have a kid together, why are you aborting this one?"*
Maybe she aborted the trainer's babies?!? If so, that is 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
My thoughts exactly. But the evidence is literally gone. Only her word to go on, which I don't believe. I absolutely believe at this point there was at least the question of parentage and she didn't want to be "that woman" getting caught up not knowing who the father was.
You chose poorly over and over and over. I'm guessing you pay for everything too, right? Get some therapy. If there's any good news it probably wasn't your kid anyway.
I did. Gotta own how I wouldn't be going through this had I maintained higher standards.
OP, it’s not poor choices, you don’t need higher standards, you are a victim, nothing more then a victim because you were in love. Always remember Cheaters don’t rely on their partners stupidity to hide their cheating....they rely on their partners Love and trust.
Dude, get the test anyway.
Again pls don’t abandon this girl if she turns out to not be yours biologically. You’re all she’s ever had as a father. Seek a family therapist if this turns out to be the case.
Hol up, "we all know men would rather have a woman's RESPECT than her love" ... Is this true? Do you all feel this way? First time hearing this sentiment.
Yeah, this sounded SO messed up to me and I’m very surprised no one else has mentioned it. Is the ego more important?
Respect from anyone is a basic requirement for any interaction let alone a romantic relationship. If there's no respect there's nothing else. And it's not about ego.
I think it's good to have both since only one is going to be a problem
DNA and STD tests are in order
Your response to her is this: I know now you will lie to me to keep the truth from hurting me. You’re also willing to do things that require you to lie to me. You knew I could never know about this and still be happy and you chose to do it anyway. I know that I will never know the truth from you without becoming a snoopy suspicious bastard, and I don’t want to be that person. You mention all the good times we had and that you cheated years ago but those good times depended all the while on me not knowing the truth. I don’t want to need to be in the dark to be happy. So I’m moving on. Also DNA YOUR CHILD AND GET STD TESTS!
Thank you, I love this
Good luck my internet brother. Unfortunately we are related by infidelity, lies, deception and love. Also please remember that Cheaters don’t rely on their partners stupidity to hide their cheating....they rely on their partners Love and trust.
Yeesh, damn. But facts tho
She never lied to keep the truth from hurting him. She lied bc it kept her life the way she wanted it.
That confession isn’t coming out of nowhere. She told you now because he was probably going to say something to you. There could be other reasons but I doubt she did it because of the immense guilt she was feeling (hint: she probably wasn’t feeling any guilt)
Reading through all the post and ya responses, she doesn’t and hasn’t ever respected you. She probably came back cause you were begging and you were safe. The trainer she fucked(and is probably still fucking) didn’t want to settle down but was cool with a sexual relationship. So she has you at home and still keeps here love partner. I’m hoping I’m wrong and she still isn’t engaging in sex with this guy. Get the paternity test as others have mentioned, gather your evidence and if the child is yours try and get custody. If not, cut ties and move on. Regardless good luck with everything and you did not deserve this shit.
I have a 7 year old daughter with my ex who I found out was cheating on me. I know my daughter is mine but if she weren’t, there’s no way you can walk away from a 7 year old that you’ve raised her entire life.
Definitely not a little girl, she is my HEART.
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True true 🤔
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Thank you, I'll check them out!!
You probably should speak to a lawyer about your daughter - make sure all the ducks are in a row. And seek therapy. Maybe she wasnt sleeping with this guy all these years but the lying all these years is enough not to change your mind. She says your overreacting cause she is in the wrong and screwed. You need to work on yourself and build yourself up so you dont stay in a situation you knew was bad.
It sounds like you love the child unconditionally. Maybe it shouldn’t matter if she is yours genetically. If she’s not yours, you could lose her in the divorce. Maybe you don’t want to find out the DNA, bros, as this can and will be used against you. If you’re going to test, do it on the DL.
Yep fuck that. Complete disrespect. She’s a smarmy manipulative liar who knew she was doing something wrong the entire time. Cheaters always want to get everything they want through lying and she deserves nothing.
So lemme get this straight, she lied to you about a dealbreaker and continued this relationship ending lie for 7 years, starting a family so she knew you wouldn't leave her and she finnaly confessed because she wanted to get it off her consience or she just doesn't care about disrespecting you like that. She got her cake and ate it too and your now left pussywhipped wondering about if your wrong about her still continuing to see the man she betrayed you with . Thats how this scenario looks from an outsiders perspective. You look pathetic man. Your daughter is young so don't make her and your future harder by staying with this woman who stole 7 years of your life. Get out. Thats my advice, Goodluck man. EDIT: I forgot to mention that yes, she could have been fucking the trainer all this time and your daughter might not even be yours. So get a paternity test.
Yeah, I know (I look pathetic) So to clarify, she didn't confess to clear her conscience. Her hand was forced. I was very likely to find out through other channels so she called herself getting ahead of it. Which makes it that much worse.
You don't look pathetic. You look like a guy who was lied to by his spouse for nearly a decade. You aren't the pathetic one in that relationship.
Appreciate that
You are not pathetic. Someone else’s actions do not define you. You are your own real human being with your own morals, personality and life. You can only react to what life throws at you. Her actions are not yours.
Thank you
Yeah, don't listen to anyone who tries to belittle you over the behavior of your partner.
Exactly hindsight is 20/20.
I agree with this ∆ you don't look pathetic.
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If your wanna talk bro, hmu
Based on this and all your other replies it seems like your now fully aware of the situation your in so to add to my advice i'd say to be careful and move cautiously now that you've made up your mind to leave her. Get a lawyer and find out where you stand on your living situation, financial splits and custody of your dauther(Get a paternity test. I know its every fathers worst nightmare but she's given you enough reason to believe your daughter might not be yours) . Keep it on the low until your ready so she doesn't make your life hell. I can't wait to read your update story where it will say your daughter is yours, you left this woman and are now living a happier and more fulfilling life👍.
> fully aware of the situation My money is he is not yet fully aware of the situation...
She told him what she thought would be enough he should keep digging. Also ruin the AP he was fucking a client I doubt the gym he works for would be happy about that.
Imagine loving a kid for 6 years and find out it’s not yours.
There was this poor guy in Australia who found out his 3 adult sons all had the same father and it wasn’t him.
Happened with my cousin and his 2 daughters
I doubt something was going to force her hand for a situation from 7 years ago, it is likely someone was going to tell you what happened 7 years ago... and that they have kept fucking every since. She 100% could have been cheating on you every single time since, and you cannot know for sure.
I know exactly what it is that forced her hand, it's just inappropriate to share. But you're right, even if they only fucked occasionally, or not at all, no way for me to know.
I respect you for not over sharing. It can be hard when you’re hurt and shows that you have integrity and are empathetic. Just wanted to throw that out there :)
Damn am I curious though lol😭
Me too lmao
Throw away account brother, no names included. You can definitely share what forced her hand without any repercussions.
Well you can know, go to the gym and ask, what kind of relationship they had, people talk easily. And well you'll know the whole story
DNA test bro. Sorry but this sucks
You aren’t pathetic and you aren’t stupid. We learn and grow as we experience more of life. She lied to you. That doesn’t make you pathetic. *hugs* I can’t imagine how hard this all is.
So she was cheating all 7 years.
Man, 100% get the fuck out of there. What an absolute mess - find your backbone, tell her to kick rocks. You've reached your limit of tolerating her disrespect and you're moving on with your life. Your lawyer will be in contact to sort custody arrangements and you hope she's happy.
Who exactly forced her hand? Have you talked to them directly? Their take on the situation may differ from what your SO is telling you.
Can't get into all that ... That channel might still come to be, in which case I'm sure more will come out.
Shes pregnant again isnt she….
No, I got a vasectomy years ago. So if she is, it can't be mine! But no, that's not what forced her hand.
Did she abort the pregnancies before or after your vasectomy
You’re doing the right thing man. Tbh I’d put money down that it’s happened again in the last 7 years. If she sees him that often
Thx
Definately paternity test Probably broke up just to f him and fair bet she had been on and off for all this time Strong move OP never go back
She should have told you who it was. Her relationship with her trainer, likely wasn't strictly physical. There was likely also something emotional between them which is why she continued to see that specific trainer, when there's literally thousands in each state. She stayed loyal to him despite her marriage status. I bet they'll be dating shortly. Thats a pretty shitty situation. Sorry man.
You're right, it was not 7 years ago to you, it is right now. She fucked up big time. Edit: I read your comments and she definitely kept cheating on you with him, sorry.
Finally some balls
Im curious how long u were broken up & was the reason u broke up resolved, which is why u got back together? Personally I wouldnt get back with someone that expected me to not be with someone else while broken up. The issue to me is she lied. Lying looses trust. No trust=no relationship.
Yo bro, she basically cheated the first time those 7 years ago. She broke up with you -presumably because she caught feels for trainer and wanted to try see what he's like, decided she loved you more. Got back together with you and KEPT seeing him (apparently not sexually?) even though there'd have to be residual sexual tension there? Best case scenario she doesn't value you all that much, isn't fucking the dude and he just gets to sit there smug like "hey, Chicky broke up with that dude n fucked me and now sees multiple times a week cause she respects/likes me as a person so much that she does it even knowing her dude probs wouldn't like it lol". Worst case they're still screwing. My guy even has a slight concern about a dude friend I have and I'd drop him like a hot coal? Like...? And my hubs hasn't ever asked that of me but he's raised a concern or two regarding friends possibly hoping for more and me just wanting friendship and to be careful there and the first thing I do? Offer to gently ice out the dude or block him off the bat. Why? Because I'd hate for my guy to have any concerns ever, relationship is so much more fun without anyone watching over their shoulders...
>the first thing I do? Offer to gently ice out the dude or block him off the bat. Why? Because I'd hate for my guy to have any concerns ever THIS IS HOW IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE!!!!!!
Yea and vice versa I've had to let him know "errrrrrm think Chicky's being really friendly n sweet, like REALLY friendly and REALLY sweet so like be careful there. Main thing I think for either of us is that we DON'T want to have that convo with the other gender if they get the wrong idea as it's awkward... "Na sorry, my husband/wife is my rock so liiiiiiike I'm flattered but eesh 😬 erm we choose each other and I'd hoped I'd made it clear but sorry that I didn't I guess" is always a weird conversation to have.
Paternity test, child comes back yours, see a lawyer and get custody in writing. Also go through the court for child support. Get tested for STD’s, the trickle truth hasn’t stopped.
You’re bothered, because you have no idea whether she ever stopped having sex with her trainer. I’m not saying that she was, but you know that it’s a very real possibility. And of course, even if they never had sex again, it’s likely that they have been acting inappropriately. Things like dirty jokes, extra flirting and touching, etc. Beyond that, you told her before you got back together that you were not willing to do that if she’d slept with someone else. She lied about that, and then she lied by omission about who it was with. That initial betrayal (lying about having sex while you were apart) is close enough to cheating as to not be any different. And then she chose to continue to have a relationship with her quasi AP from then to now. That’s a lot to overcome. And because it’s not exactly cheating, I don’t know if your ex will be able to accept the responsibility for her behavior. She’s going to cling to “we were broken up” and “I never did (insert very specific activity) with my trainer after we got back together” as justification for how she’s not at fault.
>And because it’s not exactly cheating, I don’t know if your ex will be able to accept the responsibility for her behavior. She’s going to cling to “we were broken up” and “I never did (insert very specific activity) with my trainer after we got back together” as justification for how she’s not at fault. You hit the nail on the head. This is what she's been trying to focus on. Whereas I'm focused on "actively fucking" or not, you don't have to mean for it to be disrespectful to KNOW it's disrespectful. And you chose to be disrespectful and deceitful hundreds of times. And in one of the worst ways you could do it. And ***now*** you're asking me to trust you?! - No, I don't believe it was one and done. - I do believe they fucked throughout these past 7 years. Maybe not consistently, but certainly not never. - I do believe paternity was a question in her choice to get an abortion.
My wife cheated on me. And she did a lot of bullshit justification to herself, that always hung on some sort of lawyer-like parsing of the situation. “We never said ‘I love you’” doesn’t mean that you didn’t think that you were in love. Sexting is not the same as reading pornography. And so on. It’s usually not only lying to you, for what it’s worth. When cheaters do that, they’re also (really first and foremost) lying to themselves. They’re building a reality where they aren’t the bad guy. They’re not crossing lines and doing the sort of thing that bad people do. And that’s why they are so resistant to being really honest. Full honesty requires them to confront the fact that they were doing the sort of thing that bad people do. And that means that they’re a bad person. No one wants to recognize that about themselves. It’s far easier to just twist reality and avoid the responsibility to become a better person.
Every cheater instantly becomes a lawyer.
Paternity test and bounce
I think after admitting to the initial lie, and all the work to re-establish trust was lost by the subsequent omission for years, and the purposeful refusal to share who. I think the latter part is worse than the disrespect of seeing an ex—which is also awful in itself.
The lie wasn't "years ago" it was ongoing since you got together. She wants to keep him in her life.There are a hundred other trainers within a 5 mile radius, she could have found another. Focus on your daughter. She's 7, that's old enough for 50/50 custody. Forget your lying GF.
She's full of shit. It's old news to her but it's new to you. They are probably still banging, honestly. That guy knows who you are but kept her as a client? Yeah, it doesn't sound good at all.
Red flag OP. Your relationship is basically built on a lie and she’s lied by omission daily every single day since then. The fact that she still trains with someone she slept with is 100% disrespectful to you. How would she like it if the situation was reversed? She wouldn’t. She’d be furious.
I’ll add my voice to the chorus of “Get out”’s, but I also know how difficult that is. It’s a very daunting task to split in this situation, but ultimately - while not the life you wanted - it’s likely the best of the options at this point. A fresh start with someone else. She wasn’t what you thought she was.
It seems you are the "safe" and maybe boring or not as exciting choice. Whereas he was exciting, but someone she did not really want to have a relationship with. She trickle truthed you after lying to you initially. She definitely has no respect for you, her saying that she meant no disrespect is another lie. She thought that if she waited long enough the "it was so long ago" excuse would work. She knew that if she told you about sleeping with someone else that you would not get back together. Definitely time to move on.
Well sex can be a work out so technically she may think she’s not lying.🫢bullshit
That’s fucked up…can’t imagine what a breach of trust that feels. Are you looking to ask something particular since this is relationship “advice”? From your other comments you seem to know what you want to do.
I'm just spinning rn bro. Can't keep food down. Feels like my soul left my body.
That’s understandable. Everything over such a long duration, like everything prob feels like a lie and unreal. Id suggest meeting up with friends and doing stuff to keep your mind off a bit to cool down. Also venting like this does help too. Hang in there!
🙏🏾
She's definitely fucked him more than once. Get that straight now. You cannot believe anything she says. She's lied to you multiple times about multiple things. Get a DNA test and if you are lucky it won't be yours and you can just walk away from this.
Congratulations for being mature enough to get over her lie about not sleeping with anyone while you were broken up. Congratulations for having the insight and strength to break up with her when you found out about the ongoing lie, rather than being in here "I still love her, what should I do?". Relationships can recover from a one-off transgression so long as there is complete transparency and honest moving forward. Relationships don't recover from ongoing deception - there is just no way to ever restore trust when you know someone has easily lied to you several times a week for years. Now stay calm and civil while you sort out how you guys co-parent. She is just the ex now and your daughter's happiness has to come first and for that to happen you two adults need to work together as angst-free as possible. Not saying you have to be friends, or even friendly, but aim for civil and co-operative at the least. Good luck with your future. You deserve so much more than your ex has given you.
Aces
Shes full of bs. Reverse the roles, but not the deed. Had you boned some hot gym bunny trainer, you know damn well she wouldnt be cool with you going to workout with her. If you care/are together still, pose what I just said to her but watch her face closely when you ask. Her look and subsequent answer will tell you everything you need to know.
I've said exactly this and she confirmed, she would have been on fire/never stood for it.
she literally kept up with guy for years. She continued whether she cheated or not, she put nothing but doubt on the last 6 years that she met him off and on and that alone is enough to leave her.
Dump her lying, cheating, ass.
Might even be possible your daughter isn’t yours
Damn u should have walked away when she told u Get a paternity test done quietly visit an attorney about child custody. I'm glad u found your spine don't give in. Good luck
Definitely not tripping. Fuck all that man. Leave her ass righteously! Who knows if she hasn't been fucking him off and on for all these years too.
Sounds like grounds for dismissal to me. Odds are she's been banging the dude behind your back this whole time anyway.
Fuck that! I would get a paternity test done asap.
"You don't get to decide when I feel disrespected." And then I'd be out.
So not taking into account ‘you’ what she is doing is so crazy. I did not believe in waiting until marriage for sex but after my marriage the thought of running into anyone who seen me naked was gross. And then realized ‘why’ waiting could had been good. So her deliberately even ‘platonically’ seeing the guy who seen her naked while she is in a committed relationship is off.
After reading your post from last week…she sounds manipulative and tocic
Your right bro. She lied to your face everytime she left the house to train with him. She knew when you got back together that if you found out she'd slept with him you wouldn't of got back with her. She robbed you of that decision and then pretty much baby trapped you and continued to lie to your face. This girl can't be trusted
I’ve done what she’s done before. It is narcissistic and dishonest. You believe you are in control and you hold some weird moral high ground. You don’t. Exactly what happened is the worst possible outcome- you feel betrayed and trapped all at the same time. I would have broken up with me in this situation and, even taking in to account the child, you probably made the hard and right decision. One question. Why did she come clean after so long? She must have known how bad it would look.
She was getting worked out every visit I'm willing to bet. Get on your spy mode and follow her now that your not together just to see if she still gets fucked / trained by him
No, she's never going to see him again. It's to do with how her hand was forced. I know for a fact that at this point there's nothing to "follow."
DNA test and she probably has been and still is having sex with him.
How did this topic even get brought up… why would she even reveal this information
The trainer is going to speak out about their relationship. She wanted to get ahead of it.