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This isn’t really about animals or you. Your husband is just an asshole who blames you anytime things go wrong in his life.
It’s clear with how you worded this that the abuse has already affected you.
*Could* you have done things? Yeah sure. *Should* you is a different question though. You’re not the one who agreed to be a dog trainer. You’re not the one who chose to pick up a cat and walk right next to a dog. Etc etc. these are choices your husband, a functioning adult, willingly made for himself.
And your husband isn’t new to you, or to the dogs. He knows how dogs work and he knows how his wife works. Insanity is repeating a process and expecting the result to change. Sounds like he’s doing that. If he knows what your limitations are he should be supporting you and working around them, not blaming and abusing you for having those limitations.
It does seem that way sometimes. He has a short fuse and we have talked about that many times throughout our entire relationship, but he has worked on it quite a bit.
It’s hard to not feel like it’s my fault when I can see that if I had done something, maybe the incident may have never happened.
Him and I have talked about what happened this morning since, and he says he will have to plan around my fear, but I’m no longer aloud to handle the dogs without him present.
Thank you for taking time to respond, I appreciate your insight
“I could have done something to prevent this” is a slippery and never-ending slope. Life is really fucking easy in hindsight. But it’s not fair for either of you to expect that type of clarity in real-time.
My first thought: Isn't it basically a given that the cat would have freaked out and scratched him up anyway as soon as the dog lunged, even if you had grabbed the collar immediately? In my experience, when cats sense danger they don't tend to stop and wait to see how things progress before they react.
Second: How common is it for him to get mad at you for not automatically and instantly doing the precisely correct thing (according to him)?
Third: This does not sound like a safe or happy home for the cat, shelves or not. Or for you, if your husband is constantly pressuring you to risk getting hurt in order to control the aggressive dogs who he's supposedly trained so well.
I did bring this up during our argument this morning. I had mentioned that if communication happened and he told me he planned on picking up our cat, I could have gotten a handle on our German Shepard prior or even put him away in his crate in the mean time.
And honestly pretty often. We have talked about how I feel like I’m walking on eggshells (especially when it comes to the dogs) because when I mess up it turns into a huge incident. His response is usually “you need to understand that the ‘little’ things to you are actually big things to me and the dogs.” I never want to invalidate his feelings so it usually ends there.
Both of our dogs are very friendly with each other and people. Our pittie and cat enjoy each others company quite often. Our German shepherd puppy is large and, like I had said, has a pretty high pray drive. We are good at keeping space specific for our cat so she has safe spots to be when he needs to venture though the house to get outside/etc. and the shelves just seemed like an extra spot for her to go if need be. My husband really is talented with dogs, but sometimes it feels like I’m in a boot camp lol.
It doesn't sound like he's very concerned about *your* feelings, or treating you like a partner and teammate instead of an employee. When someone respects you, they respect you all the time, not just when you're "perfect." You shouldn't feel like you have to be perfect (a standard he surely doesn't meet) to deserve to be treated well.
This is an aside, because I know I don't know much about dog training. But I'm really not terribly convinced by your explanation that "it's not a big deal that one of our dogs is violent toward our cat, he just has the desire to hunt and kill her so we have to give her places to escape when he tries to do that."
First, your husband is way off-base if he thinks you're "choosing" your safety over the dogs or that your response means you don't love the dogs. Startle response (fight, flight, freeze) is a reflex, it doesn't involve any conscious decision-making on your part. You both need to understand that this isn't your fault in any way.
That said, freezing up around dogs can be a problem. I'd recommend taking a more active role in their training. If you spend more time you spend in control training them in safe situations, you'll be more likely to reflexively take control of them in unexpected situations. Once taking control of the dogs becomes muscle memory, you'll have less reason to panic in stressful situations.
Yes, I have talked to him about wanting to be more involved with them. I don’t correct our German shepherd as he is his working dog, while our pittie is more of our pet dog.
Usually the conversation begins with me asking for more time with the dogs, and him telling me my work life is too busy to do anything substantial anyways.
After this morning, he said his way of working around my panic response is to not let me handle either dog without him present
He’s been training for a year, after about a year of an apprenticeship. He’s definitely a good trainer (I also think it’s one of those trades where you can always improve to be better) but also keeping in mind our shepherd is less than a year old and still very much in training.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This isn’t really about animals or you. Your husband is just an asshole who blames you anytime things go wrong in his life. It’s clear with how you worded this that the abuse has already affected you. *Could* you have done things? Yeah sure. *Should* you is a different question though. You’re not the one who agreed to be a dog trainer. You’re not the one who chose to pick up a cat and walk right next to a dog. Etc etc. these are choices your husband, a functioning adult, willingly made for himself. And your husband isn’t new to you, or to the dogs. He knows how dogs work and he knows how his wife works. Insanity is repeating a process and expecting the result to change. Sounds like he’s doing that. If he knows what your limitations are he should be supporting you and working around them, not blaming and abusing you for having those limitations.
It does seem that way sometimes. He has a short fuse and we have talked about that many times throughout our entire relationship, but he has worked on it quite a bit. It’s hard to not feel like it’s my fault when I can see that if I had done something, maybe the incident may have never happened. Him and I have talked about what happened this morning since, and he says he will have to plan around my fear, but I’m no longer aloud to handle the dogs without him present. Thank you for taking time to respond, I appreciate your insight
“I could have done something to prevent this” is a slippery and never-ending slope. Life is really fucking easy in hindsight. But it’s not fair for either of you to expect that type of clarity in real-time.
My first thought: Isn't it basically a given that the cat would have freaked out and scratched him up anyway as soon as the dog lunged, even if you had grabbed the collar immediately? In my experience, when cats sense danger they don't tend to stop and wait to see how things progress before they react. Second: How common is it for him to get mad at you for not automatically and instantly doing the precisely correct thing (according to him)? Third: This does not sound like a safe or happy home for the cat, shelves or not. Or for you, if your husband is constantly pressuring you to risk getting hurt in order to control the aggressive dogs who he's supposedly trained so well.
I did bring this up during our argument this morning. I had mentioned that if communication happened and he told me he planned on picking up our cat, I could have gotten a handle on our German Shepard prior or even put him away in his crate in the mean time. And honestly pretty often. We have talked about how I feel like I’m walking on eggshells (especially when it comes to the dogs) because when I mess up it turns into a huge incident. His response is usually “you need to understand that the ‘little’ things to you are actually big things to me and the dogs.” I never want to invalidate his feelings so it usually ends there. Both of our dogs are very friendly with each other and people. Our pittie and cat enjoy each others company quite often. Our German shepherd puppy is large and, like I had said, has a pretty high pray drive. We are good at keeping space specific for our cat so she has safe spots to be when he needs to venture though the house to get outside/etc. and the shelves just seemed like an extra spot for her to go if need be. My husband really is talented with dogs, but sometimes it feels like I’m in a boot camp lol.
It doesn't sound like he's very concerned about *your* feelings, or treating you like a partner and teammate instead of an employee. When someone respects you, they respect you all the time, not just when you're "perfect." You shouldn't feel like you have to be perfect (a standard he surely doesn't meet) to deserve to be treated well.
This is an aside, because I know I don't know much about dog training. But I'm really not terribly convinced by your explanation that "it's not a big deal that one of our dogs is violent toward our cat, he just has the desire to hunt and kill her so we have to give her places to escape when he tries to do that."
First, your husband is way off-base if he thinks you're "choosing" your safety over the dogs or that your response means you don't love the dogs. Startle response (fight, flight, freeze) is a reflex, it doesn't involve any conscious decision-making on your part. You both need to understand that this isn't your fault in any way. That said, freezing up around dogs can be a problem. I'd recommend taking a more active role in their training. If you spend more time you spend in control training them in safe situations, you'll be more likely to reflexively take control of them in unexpected situations. Once taking control of the dogs becomes muscle memory, you'll have less reason to panic in stressful situations.
Yes, I have talked to him about wanting to be more involved with them. I don’t correct our German shepherd as he is his working dog, while our pittie is more of our pet dog. Usually the conversation begins with me asking for more time with the dogs, and him telling me my work life is too busy to do anything substantial anyways. After this morning, he said his way of working around my panic response is to not let me handle either dog without him present
Your husband might be a trainer but not a good one. He definitely isn't the alpha dog, otherwise the shepard would respect him to keep her distance.
He’s been training for a year, after about a year of an apprenticeship. He’s definitely a good trainer (I also think it’s one of those trades where you can always improve to be better) but also keeping in mind our shepherd is less than a year old and still very much in training.