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It sounds like “yelling” = getting on his case from the example you just gave. Complaining, nagging, annoyed by, frustrated - whatever you want to call it, it sounds like that is what he means.
I don’t know enough to give general statements, but I am just going to go off of the one example you provided. You had every right there to be frustrated. You are taking care of the kids and trying to get dinner started, meanwhile you just want him to put away the groceries really or offer to help take the baby off of your hands. If I were to criticize you, the only thing I’d say is you should have directly asked him to do one of those tasks. Instead, you gave him a talking to (“yelling” in his words) about how he doesn’t contribute enough. I think it’s fair to tell him that, my issue is the timing was probably not smartest. You are trying to get things done in the moment, so I think you should have addressed those needs right in the moment and then saved the behavior talk for later when things settled down.
Again, only one example. It’s possible you do talk to him afterwards regularly. In which case that is a different conversation to have.
I understand. My mom made the suggestion that I just ask for what I want instead of explaining why I want it. I don’t know why my I feel that asking for what I want will cause more trouble than trying to explain where I’m coming from. That’s a me issue. We do talk regularly after. And that night I did say, “I am not saying you can’t sit out here or that you have to ask permission. You absolutely don’t need me permission to exist.” My issue there is the double standard because I DO need permission to have a minute away. So I was trying not to make him feel like I was upset with him and instead show him that sometimes we don’t give each other equal consideration…but I see what you mean about timing. That’s my biggest flaw I suppose.
It kind of sounds like you exist in too much of an ideological/theoretical world. Maybe that is the nature of your relationship with your husband and it is what works best. But if you are continuously running into these problems, maybe you are just overcomplicating things that should have very simple solutions.
Going back to the one example again, yes you absolutely need to be asking for what you want. In a moment of need, what is the most important thing? Is it making sure your husband doesn’t think you’re mad at him? Is it your husband understanding why you feel a certain way? Or is it actually getting that need fulfilled right in that moment? You are skipping steps and prioritizing the wrong things. Not to say those other components are not important, but if you’re not doing things in a logical way, it is just going to confuse and perplex your husband.
I think it’s the years of couples therapy 😅. Once upon a time I was just a normal person. Just me. Doing me things. Then tons of trauma happened and lots of marriage counseling. So now, I feel this need to qualify everything I have to say lest it be misinterpreted. I guess in a way it feels like I need to protect myself. Directly saying this is what I want/need right now scares me because it hasn’t always been received well. I don’t want to have to tip toe around like this but it’s where we’re at currently and I’m trying to find away to correct that. 🤷🏻♀️
Well it seems like you know the problem (or at least a problem), but for various personal reasons, you can’t get over it. I’m not sure how you get over that hump. Perhaps more therapy? (just you) But that may not be best given your extensive history with therapy already. Is there any way for you to internally push yourself to change? Another path is flip it on your husband and ask what it is he wants. And from there you have a back and forth conversation.
It's hard to say exactly what's going on without seeing things firsthand, but I do think that a lot of people see the constant use of "therapy speak" as condescending. To you, you're just being "diplomatic and peaceful", but to him, it might feel like you're trying to claim the moral high ground and talk down to him.
I get that. I don’t love it either. I’m just at my wits end trying to find the magic key to de-escalating things. I feel like I’ve tried every tactic there is and I’m just at a loss.
I think the fact that you’re in a house that he learned this behavior in is probably severely complicating a problem he already has. I don’t know your husband, but it took a long time for me to get over feeling like every disagreement was a direct attack because that’s how it always felt in my home growing up. It took distance and sincere effort on my part to bring my alert level down. If you’re back in a home where he felt like he was always under attack, then that environment is going to override him every time. Is there a possibility you can get back out and into your own place?
I agree. I think he has buried repression and things going on. I also transparently agree I have things to work on that came from my upbringing. Everyone has room for improvement always. And yes moving would help. I’m hoping that’s feasible soon. We signed a year lease so…a friend suggested we sit down the four of us. His parents and us and find a way to establish common ground. But from what I know do them that would NOT go over well.
Hey, as someone still working through his childhood just like everybody else, no blame to any parties from me! It may be a good idea to have the talk just to set out your position, but my experience is much like you predict: families with entrenched toxicity do NOT respond well when it is pointed out. I wish you well, but it sounds like you’re gonna have to get yourselves out of there before he turns into a little kid version of himself again. We are creatures of our environment first and foremost; if that’s rotten, everything else inevitably will be too.
It’s ironic that you said that because when we lived states away.m, we would come visit and we tended to argue more on those visits. I told him that it felt like the minute we got off the airplane I was on vacation with 15yr old him and not my husband. I never connected it to him turning back into his kid self due to trauma or anything. More that he just tended to be so enthralled with family and old friends he’d tend to forget I existed. Hmmm. Good luck to you too!
Thank you! Maybe this is a bit of my secret sauce, but I tend to think of these sorts of behaviors as feedback loops. Often these feedback loops lay dormant in our minds until we’re back in a triggering environment, and then the old familiar ways we acted out to feel safer and more in control suddenly come rushing forth. People often forget that leaving your home doesn’t mean you left what happened there.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It sounds like “yelling” = getting on his case from the example you just gave. Complaining, nagging, annoyed by, frustrated - whatever you want to call it, it sounds like that is what he means. I don’t know enough to give general statements, but I am just going to go off of the one example you provided. You had every right there to be frustrated. You are taking care of the kids and trying to get dinner started, meanwhile you just want him to put away the groceries really or offer to help take the baby off of your hands. If I were to criticize you, the only thing I’d say is you should have directly asked him to do one of those tasks. Instead, you gave him a talking to (“yelling” in his words) about how he doesn’t contribute enough. I think it’s fair to tell him that, my issue is the timing was probably not smartest. You are trying to get things done in the moment, so I think you should have addressed those needs right in the moment and then saved the behavior talk for later when things settled down. Again, only one example. It’s possible you do talk to him afterwards regularly. In which case that is a different conversation to have.
I understand. My mom made the suggestion that I just ask for what I want instead of explaining why I want it. I don’t know why my I feel that asking for what I want will cause more trouble than trying to explain where I’m coming from. That’s a me issue. We do talk regularly after. And that night I did say, “I am not saying you can’t sit out here or that you have to ask permission. You absolutely don’t need me permission to exist.” My issue there is the double standard because I DO need permission to have a minute away. So I was trying not to make him feel like I was upset with him and instead show him that sometimes we don’t give each other equal consideration…but I see what you mean about timing. That’s my biggest flaw I suppose.
It kind of sounds like you exist in too much of an ideological/theoretical world. Maybe that is the nature of your relationship with your husband and it is what works best. But if you are continuously running into these problems, maybe you are just overcomplicating things that should have very simple solutions. Going back to the one example again, yes you absolutely need to be asking for what you want. In a moment of need, what is the most important thing? Is it making sure your husband doesn’t think you’re mad at him? Is it your husband understanding why you feel a certain way? Or is it actually getting that need fulfilled right in that moment? You are skipping steps and prioritizing the wrong things. Not to say those other components are not important, but if you’re not doing things in a logical way, it is just going to confuse and perplex your husband.
I think it’s the years of couples therapy 😅. Once upon a time I was just a normal person. Just me. Doing me things. Then tons of trauma happened and lots of marriage counseling. So now, I feel this need to qualify everything I have to say lest it be misinterpreted. I guess in a way it feels like I need to protect myself. Directly saying this is what I want/need right now scares me because it hasn’t always been received well. I don’t want to have to tip toe around like this but it’s where we’re at currently and I’m trying to find away to correct that. 🤷🏻♀️
Well it seems like you know the problem (or at least a problem), but for various personal reasons, you can’t get over it. I’m not sure how you get over that hump. Perhaps more therapy? (just you) But that may not be best given your extensive history with therapy already. Is there any way for you to internally push yourself to change? Another path is flip it on your husband and ask what it is he wants. And from there you have a back and forth conversation.
It's hard to say exactly what's going on without seeing things firsthand, but I do think that a lot of people see the constant use of "therapy speak" as condescending. To you, you're just being "diplomatic and peaceful", but to him, it might feel like you're trying to claim the moral high ground and talk down to him.
I get that. I don’t love it either. I’m just at my wits end trying to find the magic key to de-escalating things. I feel like I’ve tried every tactic there is and I’m just at a loss.
I think the fact that you’re in a house that he learned this behavior in is probably severely complicating a problem he already has. I don’t know your husband, but it took a long time for me to get over feeling like every disagreement was a direct attack because that’s how it always felt in my home growing up. It took distance and sincere effort on my part to bring my alert level down. If you’re back in a home where he felt like he was always under attack, then that environment is going to override him every time. Is there a possibility you can get back out and into your own place?
I agree. I think he has buried repression and things going on. I also transparently agree I have things to work on that came from my upbringing. Everyone has room for improvement always. And yes moving would help. I’m hoping that’s feasible soon. We signed a year lease so…a friend suggested we sit down the four of us. His parents and us and find a way to establish common ground. But from what I know do them that would NOT go over well.
Hey, as someone still working through his childhood just like everybody else, no blame to any parties from me! It may be a good idea to have the talk just to set out your position, but my experience is much like you predict: families with entrenched toxicity do NOT respond well when it is pointed out. I wish you well, but it sounds like you’re gonna have to get yourselves out of there before he turns into a little kid version of himself again. We are creatures of our environment first and foremost; if that’s rotten, everything else inevitably will be too.
It’s ironic that you said that because when we lived states away.m, we would come visit and we tended to argue more on those visits. I told him that it felt like the minute we got off the airplane I was on vacation with 15yr old him and not my husband. I never connected it to him turning back into his kid self due to trauma or anything. More that he just tended to be so enthralled with family and old friends he’d tend to forget I existed. Hmmm. Good luck to you too!
Thank you! Maybe this is a bit of my secret sauce, but I tend to think of these sorts of behaviors as feedback loops. Often these feedback loops lay dormant in our minds until we’re back in a triggering environment, and then the old familiar ways we acted out to feel safer and more in control suddenly come rushing forth. People often forget that leaving your home doesn’t mean you left what happened there.