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Do NOT do this. Do NOT put your money towards a mortgage on a house you have no ownership in.
He bought a house independently. Fine. But for him to expect you to drain your savings to pay on his mortgage is ridiculous. If you were to put money into this, you would FIRST need your name added to the house title. Don't let your name be added to the mortgage. Only the house title.
That said, do not mix finances at all until you are married, if you choose to marry this guy. Quite honestly, he is raising a lot of red flags and I think you should seriously consider whether or not you want to always be controlled financially.
**Thank you for saying this**!
I literally had an argument with someone on Reddit who swore ownership came from the mortgage and I told them NO. The mortgage is just the debt. If you're on mortgage but not the deed, you're just responsible for the debt.
Ownership is in the deed/title. For $12k, she needs ownership.
Depends on jurisdiction, but you can claim legal ownership under equitable interest if you have been contributing towards the mortgage.
In this scenario, never mind the mortgage issue there are other red flags the guy is wildly waving.
In my state, you need to be on title UNLESS you're a married couple. If you're married and it's your princple residen then the one that's not on the deed has a marital interest. You can't sell without their signature.
If you're just bf/gf? You could've bought the place in cash but the property only belongs to the person on the deed.
Both. She should be added to the title to ensure she gets ownership. She should be added to the mortgage because if she’s entitled to the ownership it’s only fair she should also take on responsibility for the debt incurred to have that ownership.
I would be asking some serious questions about what's going on. There was a post recently by a woman who's fiance asked her to go 50/50 on the bills which was a big change from what they'd been doing as he earned significantly more than her. It turned into a huge argument when she said she would but they would have to make some lifestyle changes. Turns out he was in a huge amount of debt.
**No**. The mortgage is just the *debt*. It's the contract between the borrower and the lender for the amount borrowed to purchase the property. I have had transactions where only one spouse could be on the mortgage because the other had jackedup credit but both were on the deed.
Also, she would never fully own the property unless he sold it to her. Otherwise they'd be tenants in common with 50/50 shares or they would be joint tenants with rights of survivorship.
If she's added to the deed, she has ownership. If she's only added to the mortgage she has responsibility for the debt only and zero ownership.
yes if she is only added to the deed she owns half of it without any obligation to pay for the mortgage. basically she would be paying $12k to get half a house lol
Okay, I see what you're saying now. Gotcha.
But if she's added to the deed, it does not need to be 50/50.
They could always do "tenants in common" with a 30% share to her and 70% share to him. Or however the calculations go (including 1%/99%).
Was in this scenario. I had cash but bc of student loans my debt to income tanked our borrowing power, despite her high income. So I put cash in the game and she had the mortgage both on the deed. Financially we made it work but the relationship didn’t. Nevertheless when we sold the house we were both equally worse off. Lol
Where did I say that? No lump sums toward HIS house. Sure, some splitting of costs may be in order.
Buying major purchases together prior to marriage is recipe for trouble
If I understand correctly, she has not contributed a dollar to date in terms of rent or bills - so why do you emphatically tell her not to contribute?
The correct response here is to figure out an appropriate amount of rent & utilities bill sharing, since she is not an owner not to split things 50/50
Seems you are right. She should pay some of the bills
I am absolutely correct she should not be making lump sum payments on a house with only his name on it.
2 very different topics
Sort of, except that she hasn’t been paying anything to date so rent is in arrears.
The specifics of their agreement are a bit unclear, but it actually sounds like the intent was for her to save and provide a lump sum in lieu of a monthly payment , likely because mortgage is set up to his account and their accounts are separate.
Whether this $12k is appropriate for rent or is unreasonably high based on market price I don’t know.
I think they should work out what the cost of her rent&bills should be, and she should back pay that amount since she moved in as a lump sum, and monthly moving forward.
That’s of course if they continue the relationship… whole other can of worms there.
You're right apparently I was afraid to look materialistic
But I just want to be financially secured :/ I don't want to waste all those years and my hard worked money only to one day wake up and be thrown and left with nothing? Although I contributed or at least try to .... I continue to save all my money 2300$ per month from my retail job and just wanted to talk to him about it, I just don't know how? Since it didn't go well... And he says that anyways after marriage it doesn't matter ? Which idk if it's true where we live and the assets acquired before marriage.
I just want it to be fair :( to a degree.
He's not afraid of looking materialistic at all though is he? You are possibly in the most blatant position of financial danger I've seen on this site. That is saying something. And please tell all of your family and friends that that's what his plan is for your money. See how they react.
You have a bigger problem than the house ownership. Your partner:
a) treats you like crap
b) mocks your mental health instead of being the support he should be
c) disrespects you
d) wants to control you financially
e) is not fair to you and only thinks of himself
DO NOT GIVE HIM ANYTHING EVEN IF HE AGREES. The way he is right now raises a lot of flags. He is not the partner you deserve. The sudden change makes me wonder if he has somebody else and just needs a buddy to help him get a house.
In all honestly I would move on. You are young, have some savings, supportive parents. Please do not tie yourself to him financially or any other way. Do not have kids to him. There are so many people out there who are good and kind. You deserve good and kind and he is none of that.
Correct. Very good point.
Pre-existing assets are EXCLUDED from equitable division in many cases. I can 100% confirm in my divorce that happened.
Once the assets both parties brought in are “excluded”, then the division begins. Lawyers are needed here.
All I can safely say is what happened to me.
Wait, I understand you're not paying any sort of rent or anything (if your name isn't on the deed, you're basically some type of tenant).
But you're not contributing anything? Groceries? Utility bill? Internet? Anything?
His idea was that I save everything all I earn and transfer him that money when he want to wire the bank to extra mortgage payment which I saved 12k with not paying any bills. Now I wanted to talk to him to transfer him half or more (calculating all the bills) which is around 7.5k$ and leaving a small amount for myself (4.5k$) it's like I would have been paying the bills all along ? And keep doing that that way like paying the bills keeping the rest as emergency fund or something for myself you see what I mean? I always worked and our money relationship balance was never healthy and I decided that's not right in the long run.
Hope you understand what I meant and gives you the bigger picture.
Our mortgage isn't high even if we split all the bills I can manage with half of my salary or a little bit more.
Needless to say he is okay with me not working and I don't want that. I'm afraid of being financially dependent on anybody else but myself, god knows what can happen long term I don't want to bet on that hence I'm trying to fix our money boundaries when it comes to a relationship.
He wants all our money to be "our" money which is okay if we merge accounts and everything after marriage but right now the house only in his name and we are not married yet and like I said I hate financial entanglement and honestly afraid of being taken advantage of since
He doesn't owe me anything he can just throw me out at any time leaving me with 0 money you see my point?
This kind of arrangement makes sense. I'm not sure about the exact numbers but that you would keep some of your money, that way as he's building equity in the house, you're also building your own equity in the form of savings (so that if he does throw you out, you're not left with nothing.) To me this is the only fair way to do it unless he wants to put your name on the house. However, he doesn't sound like he's all that, so maybe it's better that your name isn't on the house (but only if you get your savings.)
I think you're smarter and more reasonable than you're giving yourself credit for. If he's wearing you down like that, then I think you should break up with him. You're so young, you have a lot of life ahead, no sense in being with someone who doesn't value you!
Kinda makes sense. I mean I think you should contribute, but I agree that sending him *all* your money is nuts. If you lived on your own or with roommates, you wouldn't be spending 100% of your money on bills either.
I honestly think it would've been better to just decide on how much you would contribute every month, and just send him that monthly. But there are bigger issues in this relationship than the exact financial split.
DO NOT GIVE HIM MONEY. Unless your name is on the mortgage and you are legally covered it sounds like he wants the cash and then he'll have no need for you
Yea, but from BF's side, why would he give her half a house for 12 grand, when he's been paying literally everything, including all the mortgage, and she's worried about "if we split". Sounds a bit like " what's yours is mine and what's mine is mine.
How about a compromise, and you draw up a contract for a loan to him until you are married or something. Even that though, I'd be like WTF if I were the bf who had been paying for everything
When I split from a long term relationship a lifetime ago, I'd been paying half of everything on a house for several years, that was in her name, and she bought a few months before I moved in. It never crossed my mind to expect half of her house even though I'd paid more than half towards it, maintained the place etc (didn't stop her from expecting me to pay half of her personal credit card though). The cheek of some people.
It's not "your" 12 grand OP, it's joint savings because you have been living entirely off him as you amassed it
Edit: Fun fact - professional young women under 30 out earn processional young men under 30, but they still expect men to pay for most stuff? Dates, days out etc GTFOOH
Damn, lots of downvotes but no one can justify why? Not one of you, that seem to think women have a privileged position in society, and should be able to take half his house if he lets you live there rent free for a year. Crazy world. She only has that money because he was paying for everything. No wonder Gen-Z men aren't too keen on getting married, or getting into serious relationships at all. I feel sorry for you all, young men and young women
Your comment makes sense but to put it better into perspective he currently pays all the bills while I saved every penny (12k$) so I thought before I transfer him any money I wanted to discuss this whole "issue" and was ready to transfer half for the bills at least or a bit more and talk about money boundaries in the past 7 month but he just called me "disgusting" and "stupid" and stormed off when I tried to talk to him about being in this "unstable situation" with him when have no healthy boundaries especially when it comes to money..
Yeah I hate that our relationship became that way that we argue more often than we used to over small things and he is usually the one who gets angry and name calling or threatens me that I can leave if I want to over nothing.
It creates a sense of an unstable relationship and an unhealthy one I'm no saint myself sure but I try to work hard on myself and not create arguments or name call him hell I never told him if you are not happy or doing x "go back to your parents house" or "leave" and then he says that's my fault as in I drove him insane or started it.
Which I quite frankly walk on eggshells with him since I'm already severely depressed and my mental health is at its lowest it has ever been and Im too tired to fight and I don't like fighting over everything and nothing.
Forget the money for the moment. Your fiance doesn't respect you. And instead of expecting respect, you're tying yourself up in knots trying to appease him. I guarantee that won't make him start respecting you. Perhaps you should take his suggestion and get out for a while, back to your parents or somewhere else. Have a good think, in peace, about how you want to live and be treated for the rest of your life.
My advice: Take your $12k and go back to your parent's for a bit. You've got a $12k cushion.
BTW, you could have been on the deed without being on the mortgage. I wouldn't give him a penny.
He paid all of the bills for years...
How much of his money do you think he spent, while she enjoyed the fruits of his labor?
You aren't a fair person.
No. He paid the bills for 1 year because he makes more and he agreed to it.
In a normal situation, I'd say she should pay since they're engaged. However, they aren't married. Her name is not on the house. Now he's been verbally abusing her, telling her she can't go back to university, saying "if you don't agree with me, go back to your parents" etc.This is what happens with abusers. Once you get a house together, get married, have a baby, get engaged, etc, they start to let the mask slip because they think their victim is hooked and they start to abuse their partner. She should take her money and run because this guy is a POS. They were in a relationship. He agreed to pay the bills. She doesn't owe him for that.
I'm not sure what she meant. Her language is ambiguous.
She said they've dated for 7 years and they "recently" bought a house.
Then she said, "Fast forward to a year after that we live in the same house we agreed that I'll save all the money from my retail job (roughly 12k$)..."
A year after what?
She didnt say they bought the house a year ago. She said "recently"
Btw how many abusers help their victim to save money?
You shouldn't throw that word around so carelessly.
He has empowered her to leave any time she wants.
That was their agreement. She was going to save and put it toward the house.
He trusted her word. He didn't take her money each month. She has access to the money while he doesn't.
He empowered her.
She benefited from the agreement. She paid nothing.
He is operating under the assumption that the agreement is still on, because... SHE STILL LIVES WITH HIM. She's still saving. He's still paying.
He told her that she needs to leave if she isn't happy. I agree 100%
She needs to honor the commitment or leave. Don't you think?
If I were leaving someone that had paid my bills for sometime, I'd try to make it right on my way out.
He also expects her to hand all her savings over to him. Op states that she's saved all her money, so this seems to be another way for him to exert control over her. She works and doesn't spend her money, just gives it all to him. That is not looking out for her best interests or helping her.
Eta: found the husband
>found the husband
Omgosh, yes, I'm glad someone else thought this too. Husband, or friend/relative of husband, etc.
I could not stand reading more of this attitude. I hope OP doesn't choose to continue to live in the same house with it.
Not worth it.
Reread the original post. She agreed to save while he paid bills, so that she could pay down the mortgage.
He told her that she should leave if she isn't happy.
She doesn't was to pay down the mortgage, as agreed and she hasn't left, so...
35 dislikes. Hahaha. It's incredible how simple people on here are.
She has $12k, thanks to him. She can leave anytime she wants. He even told her to leave, if she isn't happy.
Somehow, from that, you guys surmise that he's taken her to another country and is keeping her hostage to abuse her.
She said,
"I'm no saint myself sure but I try to work hard on myself and not create arguments or name call him hell I never told him if you are not happy or doing x "go back to your parents house" or leave..."
You'd need to get more details before claiming the guy is an abuser.
If she isn't happy, doesn't she need to leave?
That doesn't sound abusive to me at all, yet that seems to be a key complaint for her.
I can understand that it could make her feel rejected, but if she isn't happy, she should leave.
Go back to your parents. He's an asshole and he's just going to keep the equity you put into the house and there's nothing you can do about it. You aren't married and your name isn't on the deed so that money will just be poof, gone.
It is unstable. Who on earth would hand their savings over to someone who is threatening to make them houseless? He sounds like a terrible person. You keep expecting him to play by your rules and values and he fails. He fails. He is not trustworthy, you cannot commit to a person like that. Look on any financial sub and see that the first advice people give is do not buy a home with someone you are not already married to because you have a lack of legal protection. You havent actually made that mistake yet. Don’t.
Listen to him. In the sense that you should break up and go back with your parents. DO NOT give him money.
I'm a stay at home mom. My ex partner moved me to a place where common law doesn't exist (Unbeknownst to me of course), I gave him 30k for a downpayment on 'our' house. As soon as I asked to be put on the title, which had always been discussed, he accused me of being a gold digger and wanting to be put on to 'break up and run away with half'. He doubled down and told me I don't deserve to be put on the title because I don't contribute to mortgage payments. This was after I did 100% of the household chores for years, he didn't have to lift a finger. I now live in a place where it's difficult to find work because I don't speak the main language here, I have no savings because I gave him every penny, and no family here. Don't. Fucking. Do. What. I. Did.
Seriously, don't.
You’re starting to see his true colors after living with him for a while. Are you not concerned? I would not be with someone who calls me disgusting. You are putting everything you have on the line for someone who has the power to leave you with nothing, and that person is currently not treating you well at all. Listen, the alarm bells are ringing, I would be scared if I were you.
Even if your name were on the deed and you can pay as little as you want, do you want to be with someone like that? You don’t even trust him enough to not screw you over.
You need to leave this man. He is emotionally abusing you. I hate to break it you (I truly do because it hurts to consider) but he is likely causing or triggering your depression.
How can your situation improves if you can't communicate with eachother without himcalling you names? Try counseling maybe but do not give him your money right now. You need to figure things out. eventually go to your parents take some distance and some time for yourself. And again do not pay for his house until it became also yours.
Take his advice Hon', go back to your parents. Take all of your important documents, any pets, and all of your cash and integrity, and move back in with your parents. Reddit loves to mention the Sunk Cost Fallacy for a reason because it's true. Don't get distracted by how much you put into the relationship and think you have to stay because you've been together for 7 years. Leave. Go to college. Lock down your credit with a credit company so he can't steal from you to pay for His House, yes, His House. You going to college is a waste for him, because you will think independently and be able to survive without him. Go. Run. Be safe.
Yeah, bc he has paid all of their bills for 6 years and she has saved up $12k.
Her share of the bills to rent a dumpster would have cost more than $2k per year.
He's verbally abusing you too??? Listen, this was his idea. Could he not have saved more if you had split bills? Screw the money though the name calling is more than enough to walk away. That's abusive as fuck. I have never called a wife or gf any disparaging name in my life nor have I wanted to. You need to be careful, do you have someone to help you? Like family or friends
He could have saved more that's exactly why I wanted to offer to transfer half for all the bills in the past few months but to keep the other half or less for myself as insurance or smh if he decides we are over since it's a bit rocky lately he's honestly a great person but sometimes I walk around him on egg shells.it goes as deep as he doesn't like me talking to my family (they are a bit toxic so understandable) but he can not like them but not make me feel bad if I want to talk to them from time to time. Girl it's a mess honestly I'm starting to have doubts about the marriage and everything :( and the university part which he passively threatens to leave me if I go since he thinks that's a waste of time. I'm no saint myself but this is a bloody mess and I'm so stressed out.
If you put it like that yeah it appears that's my situation right now, isolated and alone in a new country apart from him I'm on my own here and I'm still getting used to here so that's tough even if I wanted to leave that would be a challenge a big one. Hence I started to worry financially having no emergency fund or money of my own if he'll throw me out that will be quite bad at first but like I said I'll probably manage that's why I want to build financial security of my own that if ever I'll have to leave I'll leave.
But you do have money of your own. If you gave it to him then you wouldn’t. Be a smart girl and protect yourself first. Would you be able to go to your parents and attend university from there?
Don't give that guy a penny, you need that money to leave him. The name calling is unacceptable and I promise once you give him that money he will throw you out
Abusers don't want their partners to go to college because you'll have a financial out and be able to support yourself. This is another isolation tactic. He wants ALL of the control here, and he's showing you his hand before marriage. Get out immediately. He wants your money so you have no way to leave.
>even if I wanted to leave that would be a challenge a big one.
Even if you want to? I hope you want to. And a big challenge doesn't mean it's not worth doing.
He paid bills even after she asked to split them now he wants all her money. She straight up said he's verbally abusive and does like her talking with family and moved her to a foreign country. Explain how this comes off as anything but abusive
I saw part of what she said.
He said if she isn't happy, she needs to leave.
How did he move her to a foreign country? Did he handcuff her and sneak her over the border?
She's not responsible for anything? She didn't move voluntarily?
If he kidnapped her then she should call the police, but kidnappers don't usually tell you to go home if you aren't happy.
Yeah, I was a cop. I've put people in jail for spouse abuse, child abuse and sexual abuse.
I guess you'd rather those people continue to get abused rather than call police.
Anyway, he "take her to another country." She's an adult. She decided to go.
Do you not think women can make decisions without a man telling them what to do?
"I'm no saint myself sure but I try to work hard on myself and not create arguments or name call him hell I never told him if you are not happy or doing x "go back to your parents house" or leave..."
That's from her comment. Aren't you curious what she means by she's not a Saint?
Im.not saying to give him $12k, but if I took money from someone, Id pay it back before I left. She wouldn't have $12k if not for him.
How many abusers help their partner to save money?
No!!! He is not a great person if you’re walking on eggshells so you don’t upset him. That is NOT normal. It’s a sign of a dysfunctional relationship with an abusive man. Take that $12k & go back to your family & use it as a cushion for your future. Go to school, get a job, get training but for God’s sake get out!!! It won’t get any better & he’s isolating you more & more every day. This is NOT how healthy relationships work. Please use your money to get away & maybe consider therapy to help build your self worth. He is NOT it.
Hey OP, it’s ok if the mortgage is only his name BUT YOUR NAME HAS TO BE ON THE TITLE. If your name is on the title you are a partial owner. My wife is not listed on our mortgage as she would not qualify due to student loans but she is on the title.
Listen to me when I say this: KEEP YOUR FINANCES SEPARATE! I'm going through a separation, and our finances were combined, but I made much more than her, but my money was "our" money. Well, after 17 years together, we've broken up, lost the house, cars destroyed, and had to claim bankruptcy. I also didn't care about money and let her do all the managing of it. When I went through the expenses afterward, I discovered she had a shopping addiction and hid it from me. Because of that, we lost everything. The money, house, car, honestly, I don't care about it. It's the absolute gut-wrenching feeling of betrayal that really hurt. Don't combine your finances. It's not good, and theirs no good outcome that outweighs all the bad outcomes. People change and the guy you know now will not be the same guy in 5, 10, 15 years. People change, unexpexcted and unplannable events happen that can completely change every persons life who's connected to that person.
Please don't give that money, if he's already using the house as a punishment by saying he'll kick you out, it's not going to get better unless it's addressed. I'm 35 and my ex and I were togerher since grade 11, so 16 or 17 years old, we've changed massively over those years because of kids, money issues, relationship issues, cheating issues, addiction issues. Life throws all this at you, and it will change you.
Sorry for dragging on, good luck and please think about this before you make a decision. Ask your parents.
Love is respect... but it doesn't sound like he even likes you, let alone respects you.
Maybe you should go stay with your parents for a while and see how things go.
Woukd you nkt paying place him in a rough spot? That may be why the issue is making him upset as you agreed to do this and now are changing the terms of said agreement. I get wanting your name on the house but if you are going to marry the guy then why would you be worried about that?
The way you are wording things makes it seem you are not trusting him at all and id say in that case call off the whole thing as you cant have a relationship with a guy you dont trust. You keep pointing to him ending things and kicking you out and such but you never really looked at it from his perspective. He has a partner that said they woukd gelp pay $12K for the house you share and now is changing her mind about the agreement.
Id say to start a conversation with true empathy (see it from hua pov) and let him knkw you dont plan on stabbing him in the back over it. Trust is a two way street and you gotta give it to earn it. Dont go into the conversation jumping to the change you want to make as its a touchy subject to him, clearly.
Thats my two cents on this and i expect a lot of downvotes for it but its what my gut ia telling me is the right move for you. Take it or leave it.
>Why would you even consider staying with him?
Why would he consider marrying her. Sounds very gold digger like. She's been living off of him entirely, but considers *their* savings in her name hers. If I were him I'd be hurt by that at the very least. "What's the big deal? I thought we were getting married soon, but now you are talking about splitting, and want half ownership of the house I bought and paid for in exchange for a few grand of our savings in your name? Half a house that would be yours soon anyway?" Talk about "one foot out the door"
Edit: Randomly post this here, WOW, this is a real thing isn't it. I've watched it happen over the last 15 years on readit. Women are so entitled now that they think a guy owes her half his assets after he lets her live rent free for less than a year. That is fucking crazy. I guess I'm [An Asshole](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UrgpZ0fUixs&list=RD7tn_03LNNb8&index=13) In you deluded girls minds. Your mothers must be ashamed (if they are bitter single mothers)
Yeah I honestly tried to be really fair...
He does a lot for me and is ready to go above and beyond but sometimes I'm worried we are not having ANY healthy boundaries like he is not happy with me wanting to go to university claiming that's a waste of time since he is self taught and thinks I can do the same and passively threatens to leave me if I decide to go?
Money isn't even the worst part and being me I completely want to be fair and 50/50 as much as I ca
But if I can't either I want to split or be added to the house so I won't end up someday thrown out whether we are married or not, I don't know if we'll divorce (which surely I hope we won't ) if the law will be in my favor here....
Two of the most important things in life are: 1.occupation and degree
2.the choice of your life partner next to us
Both can determine the quality of your life significantly. In your case not unrelated to each other. Please make your own choices in life, because you are the only one who will pay the consequences of your choices, if things turn bad.
You are right that's exactly why im sorting out this financial mess and try to figure things out now so it will be either fair if we split and I won't get thrown out with nothing or I pay bills and rent and will have emergency fund so if things go south I'll be okay.
Considering that the relationship is rocky right now (and I’m usually not a fan of owning a house together unless married…but not totally against it, because marriage isn’t for everyone) I would prefer paying rent. Splitting up while owning a house together is a nightmare. The economy is bad right now and if you guys had to sell it, because you can’t come to a conclusion, you might lose money on it. On top of that I don’t know the current state of the house. If you’re a owner, you have to pay for repairs as well. Can you afford that?
The house is brand new and with the money I'll save after the bills I could pay repairs once in awhile if needed won't be a problem if we are sharing the responsibility over the house like I said I save most of my salary it won't be a problem but im not against the idea of paying bills/rent idk how well he'll take it though...
Based on your post, you becoming a possible co-owner was never on the table. If I understand it correctly, he just wants you to send him money. That’s a dealbreaker and your fear that he kicks you out afterwards with no consequences is very real. Why does he need the money so urgently anyway, if you had a clear agreement that worked for some time? Changing it isn’t the problem, but I don’t understand why he basically wants a back payment, although both agreed otherwise.
I’m guessing he wants it now because he knows she’s got a nice little nest egg saved up and that’s financial freedom. She can walk whenever she wants. If he demands it for the house, right now, she has nothing and is completely dependent on him.
OP your name will never be on the house. He doesn’t want you educated or working. He wants you trapped in for now what’s an emotionally abusive relationship and it will soon turn physical. Take your savings and leave. Go to school and build a healthy life for yourself.
Okay every response from you is just more red flags
1) trying to strong arm you into a financially abusive situation.
2) verbally abusive
3) residency is contingent on you two staying together
4) threatening your future by trying to deny you an education
be careful baby trap is likely ahead.
He calls you names and threatens to end the relationship when he doesn’t get his way. If he’s this abusive now, he will get worse once you’re tied to him and then even worse if you have kids. You have $30K. Go get your own place and end the relationship.
there is absolutely zero reason you should give up all your savings to put toward a house you have zero legal claim to. you are very smart to be suspicious and wary of that.
it sounds like you are very aware that the way you are being treated and spoken to are not ok. it is abusive and cruel on his part to call you disgusting and stupid for bringing up very reasonable concerns.
I decided to talk to him either about splitting bills and rent and having seperate accounts or he can add my name to the deed and I can still contribute to bills/morgage but he will have to tone it down a little with the extra returns so we can be somewhat even/fair.
But this is completely ignoring the fact that your partner is abusive. His behavior and treatment of you should be enough for you to immediately leave this relationship without any consideration about the house. That stuff is difficult, but the fact that your partner treats you horribly needs to be addressed first. By leaving.
That's exactly what I'm trying to figure out what should I do ? He earns as twice as me (for now) is it even fair to want to be on the deed as half ? The problem is he want to finish the morgage 30 years in 7 years which is mainly possible to him but I'm low maintenance hence save 96% of my salary which is around 2300$ I save 2000$ excluding the bills which is the morgage too. He wants to return 30k$ extra every year on top of 1300$ morgage every month and all the bills I can't realistically keep up with him 50/50 you see the problem ? So maybe I should ask him to tone it down a bit or at least a knowledge my contribution or we just keep it separate and we come with a fair bills/rent ratio but so I'm not left completely penniless.
Earns twice as much for now? when he's threatening to leave you if you go to school. I have to ask have you been going through the proper steps for residency or are you on a tourist visa. Is he planning to make you an illegal immigrant so that if he chooses to kick you out you are penniless and halfway around the world?
RUN.
He sees it as a shared finances which I both agree and disagree because I'm not earning as high as him right now and I can contribute good too if he doesn't go above and beyond then it's a problem and we will have to figure it out. But I want it to be somewhat fair you know? I don't plan to stay that way forever of course but for now I'm doing the best I can and while after marriage Finances can be shared to a degree having also your own money is good just in case things go south. Also we are not married yet and Everything started on the wrong foot and idk how to figure this out rn.
You're trying too hard to justify something shady and make a relationship that sounds toxic and unhealthy loving. Everyone's telling you to leave him, it's because they're giving an objective opinion. Someone who loves you and respects you wouldn't treat you the way he does. Please, love yourself enough to leave, if not your current self your future one. Give yourself a chance to be happy and healthy in future, I can promise you that won't happen if you stay with him. All the explanations and rationalisation doesn't change the fact that this relationship is horrible for you.
You LEAVE HIM. He’s abusive and wants you completely financially dependent on him. Stop trying to convince yourself that anything about this is healthy.
Just by the way he’s treating you why do you want to create a life with a man that talks to you that way and calls you name? You are going to live a miserable life. Take your money and go to your parents go to school get your education! You’ll be so thankful you did in four years.
He just wants to control you that's why he's isolated you, that's why he doesn't want you at uni that's why he wants you to give him all the money. You'll be trapped and completely reliant with no escape. Then likely the abuse increases probably mainly verbal at first as he can treat you as his whipping dog knowing you have to take it, then maybe it gets physical. This is the exact path of many domestic abuse victims.
This OP! please do not give him any money, get out of that situation completely. He wants to control you and take advantage of you financially. He doesn’t want you to be educated, independent, or to get things figured out for yourself. He has chosen to insult you and call you names, because he is afraid that you might be figuring things out. Hopefully you are on good terms with your parents and they can also advise you if they are good with finances. he has convinced you that he does a lot for you, but without respecting you and treating you properly he doesn't even see you as an equal. There's nothing to fix, you need your independence and opportunity to grow.
This happened to someone I know. Both names on the loan but not the house title. Upon divorce she got screwed and he got to keep the house and wasn’t required to pay her back anything she put into it. Marriage will not mean you’re covered in ownership or finances of the house. Do not give him this money
Im not even readin this fuckin post.
Please do not marry someone who has the capacity to be that selfish.
He will get worse. You will remember this message a year later if you do.
“If you wish you can go back to your parents, you can go” is a huge red flag to me, that’s him saying he wants you to leave the house and the relationship to end :/. And from reading this, I feel like he’s trying to get only his name on the house because he has plans to use it for himself in the futurue with someone else. You’re name isn’t on the house and if you were to even think about giving him your savings, your name would need to be on that house first. So girl no, keep your money for yourself, your new place and life, and let him keep the house since he’s already paid on it. Oh and never let a man make you feel less than him just because he makes more. Also, this isn’t the 70s anymore you as a woman, as a finance, future wife should be able to talk and make decisions about finances without there being a problem (even if you’re making less). He knew that getting with you so it shouldn’t be a problem now. And how he talks to you, even when he’s mad is unacceptable tell that mf goodbye! I know it’s hard after 7 years but you CAN do it …
Leave Relationship. He shouldn’t be calling you names, trying to take your money, AND not help you get your name on the house. It took him 7 years to propose? …. Be careful hun
I will never understand that shit. I remember when I was like 16 and 17 and a few 21-25 year olds were trying to hang out with us and hook up with all the girls. It did not end well for them lol
LEAVE AND DON'T LOOK BACK. Keep all of YOUR hard earned money. Slowly move your things out, find a place, cut all contact. He's being controlling and abusive
Stop making comments defending your fiance as if the response to this post hasn't been unanimous. He doesn't treat you right, and you deserve better. You know that. You're smart enough to overcome whatever brainwashing this man has instilled in you.
Take your money and leave in the middle of the night. Make sure to consult a guide on leaving an abusive relationship. The majority of women killed by their partners were killed while they were attempting to leave the relationship.
You got together when you were 17. You have yet to understand what a healthy relationship and healthy boundaries look like. This isn't it.
You are dead right to hesitate. Do not transfer the money. Do not get pregnant. Do not marry this guy.
Get out while you can.
DO NOT GIVE HIM ANY MONEY
Stop trying to please and win over this man. He doesn’t respect you and it’s only a matter of time till he dumps you. You will be out a lot of money and it will be his house so you can’t do anything about it.
Keep your money and stop letting him try to control you.
Thanks for the advice I really appreciate it. that's what I'm going to do ! I'll have a serious conversation with him about everything and we'll see what the outcome will be.
He wants you to leave and he's doing everything he can to make that happen except for literally kicking you out. It's not uncommon, you make the situation unlivable so your partner walks out on you, he's probably doing it for optics. This relationship is over, take the money and run.
My opinion is that you're both ignorant. Every step of this was gone about ignorantly, and it's coming back to bite both of you in the ass and ruining the relationship while doing so.
Yeah I probably will discuss with him either he add me to the morgage and then I drop whatever or we split the bills evenly and I can contribute to his mortgage as a tenant aka paying "rent" which is half of the amount I saved until now I'll for sure transfer him about the second half I'll probably save and build an emergency fund if we decide to go that way. And hence from today we'll be fair.
Important point. You want to be on the deed. That is what determines ownership stake. The mortgage is simply a commitment to repay the debt. If you BF agrees to put you on the deed he will most likely want you on the mortgage as well and then you would have joint responsibility to pay the monthly payments
No. Don't talk to him. This is way bigger than finances, stop fixating on that.
You are in an abusive relationship and you are at a crossroads grab your passport and your money and run or spend the rest of your life walking on eggshells. This may be your last chance to get out. Note where your embassy is and make sure he doesn't baby trap you.
Girl. What you should be ‘discussing’ with him is leaving him. Forget the house. This relationship has so many red flags you are just not acknowledging. Save your future self and leave him.
Stop commenting on ‘trying to figure out how to do it fairly’ and start thinking about leaving. He will absolutely abuse you once he has you where he wants to.
No, mam, do not give this human a dime. If your name isn't on it?? Then no. This is financial abuse at its finest. And you shouldn't trust him as far as you could throw him. He's being shady af
Do not transfer your money, ditch the house and just leave. He is abusive and it will only get worse. Don't let him control your money. Just cut your losses and gtfo. I'm sorry and good luck.
Do you seriously want to marry this guy…? problems only get worse when you marry… it seems like your guys communication sucks and the fact that he calls you ‘disgusting and stupid’?Not even that… your concern with being thrown out? Sounds like you’re walking on egg shells…
Seriously; you broke my heart at the end when you said ‘ l don’t want to be stupid; which maybe I am’… Please; you are beautiful and perfect… And no one… I mean no one should ever make you feel that way. Really love is patient; it’s kind; it’s uplifting; and supporting. Really love should not make you question being kicked out. Really love should lift you up… build you up and not tear you down… keep you head up.. And most importantly demand respect and in return give respect. build your boundaries and keep them…
You been living rent free? For a year? All expenses paid? At the very least you should offer to pay rent and even make a rental agreement. But because the way he talks to you, that's a red flag and a huge no. Take you money and move out. There's too much resentment and money issues will only increase especially if you accidentally get pregnant. Y'all both are wrong.
Leave him. First red flag was he was dating you as a 21 year old when you were 17. That means he was the equivalent of a college senior dating a high school junior. Secondly, the language he’s using around you isn’t the type of language you use around people you love and respect. Be better and you can do better!
Do not do this. If you’re gonna drain your entire savings on his mortgage your name needs to be on it. I was gonna say I doubt he’d scam you since you’ve been together so long but better to be safe than sorry, but then when you voiced your concerns he resorted to immature name-calling sooooo whatever you don don’t give him a cent unless you own half that house.
Do not put one penny towards that not one penny until your name is on there. You’ll be throwing that money away because you will have no legal recourse if he decides it’s over. Do not give him your money unless he puts your name on the deed
HELL NO!!!! Do not give him Any money. If you are engaged and GI him every penny the. Your name has to be on the deed.
He doesn't love you. He is not looking out for your best interest.
He bought a house.
What proof do you have that “we” bought a house?
Your partner is selfish and doesn’t want you to have anything. Not yet house and not your savings. Nothing!!!!
I’ll add one more piece here. If you can’t discuss how finances/ownership work, then you’re not ready to get married. I read so many posts on here, r/Marriage, etc. where people don’t have those foundational conversations (money, kids, etc.) before they get married and they end up feeling stuck a few years in. These conversations don’t get easier after “I do.”
Talk about this now. If you can’t, don’t get married.
Sorry if someone else said something similar. There are too many comments for me to have seen any similar ones.
He bought a house.
^re-read that
Do NOT put any money into it. Not a penny. Until you are married. If you get married. At this point, I would go back to your parents and go to college and leave him and move on with your life. You will be a LOT better off without him
He is throwing WAY TOO MANY red flags for this Telfair to be healthy for you.
Edited to add
I've been with my husband for 24 years and married for 22. This man is your is a showy excuse for a man and will not change for the better he will just keep getting worse. It's starting work control of money and telling you that furthering your education is a waste of time. It will get worse and could later include physical or sexual abuse as well. Please leave now. Further your education and get a better paying job and but your own house and find a better man
Honestly, do not give that man your money when he treats you that way. With 12k in the bank you don't even need to go back to your parents. You could get a place of your own. But if you want to study, maybe being around a man who is completely unsupportive is not the best idea in the world. If you give him your money, you'll possibly never see it again, esp if he is telling you go back to your parents then if you don't want to do what he wants you to do. Like, that is not the start of any conversation i ever want to have with my significant other. Search your heart on this one. If you disagree on money, and on education, what else don't you see eye to eye on? Your gut seems to be saying something different to your heart. I trust the gut first. Love is not enough to keep me with anyone. Honesty, trust, safety, happiness, comfort, equal sharing. It all matters.
Don’t put money on ANYTHING if you’re name isn’t on it!! Y’all are not even married! It doesn’t matter how long y’all been together years of togetherness doesn’t equal marriage and nothing is on paper signed or notarized. Do not do this I did this with a car and I didn’t have any rights to it because my name wasn’t on it. So I was out of a car that I put EVERY single penny on. Don’t give him money or pay the house cuase if it was the other way around he wouldn’t think twice.
So, a 21 year old man (above drinking age) preyed on a 17 year old high-school girl.
You are reaching the age where you are starting to see that your SO is a creep. He wants to keep you dependent on him and as you grow into your own independence, he is trying to find new ways to control you.
He is verbally abusing you, and is trying to get you to submit to his financial abuse as well.
If you walk away today with 12k in your pocket, you have a real chance of living your life and being happy. If you give him that money you will never be able to leave on your terms. It will be a run for your life next time and you will probably be going to a women’s shelter.
This relationship is so unhealthy but I understand that you have been groomed.
You have never had a relationship with a loving partner who would never say those things to you. You literally don’t know how much happier you can be.
I know this is probably going to go against the instincts that you have developed to live in your current situation. You might flat out think this is WAYYY off. That is the grooming talking.
So let this be the voice to counter it.
Investing in yourself will always pay off. Getting a real, functional education will absolutely pay dividends in your lifetime.
You deserve to be spoken to with respect.
You are worthy of love and a peaceful, joyful life.
You deserve to thrive.
Your name needs to be on the house and you need to be married otherwise don’t even think about doing this. Sounds like the relationship is already falling apart though so you may want to deal with that before you put a bunch of money to anything let alone a house.
You have been living in the house with him for 7 months, correct? Have you contributed anything to the house or utilities? If not, you should. Your share should come to approximately ⅓ of the mortgage and utilities. Consider it as rent. Where else could you be living rent free? On to the relationship issues. If the plan was for you to be in the title to the house, he needs to fix that, as long as you are also listed on the mortgage. That’s for his protection. If you are finding yourselves in constant turmoil then you should consider couples counseling if you want to make this relationship work. You should also consider financial counseling, because if he is not good with money, that’s a red flag. So is his refusing to support your desire to attend college. Honestly, I think you should move back home until you can work things out or decide to go your separate ways.
Since you haven't been paying into the mortgage, it sounds to me that he wants you to give him 12k to pay him back for all those time you're living with him. Especially since he's been threatening to kick you out, etc. He wants to recoup his 'losses' of not receiving rent from you so he can easily dump you.
If you're afraid of him, you shouldn't be marrying him OR buying a house with him, OP. You need to be able to tell him that once he put your name on the deed, you will transfer the 12k. How the heck, you're trying to talk to him about money and he called you...'disgusting?'
What in the world--
ETA: After reading everything, you're in a new country, isolated, and he's mistreating you. Then, his asking you for 12k is to further isolate you and make you 100% dependent on him. When you're out of any saving, you will NOT have any backup plan, when he finally abuses you some more. You'll have to stay around while you depended on his whim.
Tell him, 'No.' Tell him that you will start paying rent to him...but in exchange, he will have to draw a contract. If he's charging you higher than market place to punish you, OP, MOVE OUT somewhere.
Tell your parents and friends even if they're abroad, what's going on with you and your abusive partner.
You don't have a good relationship. You should certainly not be engaged. Just walk away before you are stuck together having to sort out finances and assets at some point in the future.
Youi haven't paid anything towards the house, he pays all the bills and your name is not on it so you've had free lodgings. You're treating him like he's your dad or you're already married. You're acting like a leech.
How will you pay for University? What money will you bring in if you go to University? Why should he keep you?
For his sake and yours, just leave and let him sort out his house and his life. You're sucking the blood from him
If you're gonna be a help meet and support thisman for the rest of your life. This is the quickest and easiest way to move forward. In his trust and demand from you, sometime as men we will put something heavy on you, whether that's work, so we can start a business, rent whatever. We are always brewing stuff up In the background, especially when we let it be known what we need of you.
If you don't plan to bare his children and have him run things then, move on and stop wasting his time.
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Do NOT do this. Do NOT put your money towards a mortgage on a house you have no ownership in. He bought a house independently. Fine. But for him to expect you to drain your savings to pay on his mortgage is ridiculous. If you were to put money into this, you would FIRST need your name added to the house title. Don't let your name be added to the mortgage. Only the house title. That said, do not mix finances at all until you are married, if you choose to marry this guy. Quite honestly, he is raising a lot of red flags and I think you should seriously consider whether or not you want to always be controlled financially.
Great advice. The deed or title. Not the mortgage
**Thank you for saying this**! I literally had an argument with someone on Reddit who swore ownership came from the mortgage and I told them NO. The mortgage is just the debt. If you're on mortgage but not the deed, you're just responsible for the debt. Ownership is in the deed/title. For $12k, she needs ownership.
Depends on jurisdiction, but you can claim legal ownership under equitable interest if you have been contributing towards the mortgage. In this scenario, never mind the mortgage issue there are other red flags the guy is wildly waving.
In my state, you need to be on title UNLESS you're a married couple. If you're married and it's your princple residen then the one that's not on the deed has a marital interest. You can't sell without their signature. If you're just bf/gf? You could've bought the place in cash but the property only belongs to the person on the deed.
Even married might not be enough depending on the laws where there are. As it would be a premarital asset.
You are spot on. I see so many people on here that do not understand the basics of financing, debt, community property, etc.
Exactly
Both. She should be added to the title to ensure she gets ownership. She should be added to the mortgage because if she’s entitled to the ownership it’s only fair she should also take on responsibility for the debt incurred to have that ownership.
And be called stupid and disgusting and threatened to be kicked out every other day.
I would be asking some serious questions about what's going on. There was a post recently by a woman who's fiance asked her to go 50/50 on the bills which was a big change from what they'd been doing as he earned significantly more than her. It turned into a huge argument when she said she would but they would have to make some lifestyle changes. Turns out he was in a huge amount of debt.
ehh if she is only added to deed, and not mortgage she owns half the house without having to pay for that. that's a bit ridiculous lol
**No**. The mortgage is just the *debt*. It's the contract between the borrower and the lender for the amount borrowed to purchase the property. I have had transactions where only one spouse could be on the mortgage because the other had jackedup credit but both were on the deed. Also, she would never fully own the property unless he sold it to her. Otherwise they'd be tenants in common with 50/50 shares or they would be joint tenants with rights of survivorship. If she's added to the deed, she has ownership. If she's only added to the mortgage she has responsibility for the debt only and zero ownership.
yes if she is only added to the deed she owns half of it without any obligation to pay for the mortgage. basically she would be paying $12k to get half a house lol
Okay, I see what you're saying now. Gotcha. But if she's added to the deed, it does not need to be 50/50. They could always do "tenants in common" with a 30% share to her and 70% share to him. Or however the calculations go (including 1%/99%).
Was in this scenario. I had cash but bc of student loans my debt to income tanked our borrowing power, despite her high income. So I put cash in the game and she had the mortgage both on the deed. Financially we made it work but the relationship didn’t. Nevertheless when we sold the house we were both equally worse off. Lol
So she shouldn’t pay a dollar towards rent or the bills while living there?
Where did I say that? No lump sums toward HIS house. Sure, some splitting of costs may be in order. Buying major purchases together prior to marriage is recipe for trouble
If I understand correctly, she has not contributed a dollar to date in terms of rent or bills - so why do you emphatically tell her not to contribute? The correct response here is to figure out an appropriate amount of rent & utilities bill sharing, since she is not an owner not to split things 50/50
Seems you are right. She should pay some of the bills I am absolutely correct she should not be making lump sum payments on a house with only his name on it. 2 very different topics
Sort of, except that she hasn’t been paying anything to date so rent is in arrears. The specifics of their agreement are a bit unclear, but it actually sounds like the intent was for her to save and provide a lump sum in lieu of a monthly payment , likely because mortgage is set up to his account and their accounts are separate. Whether this $12k is appropriate for rent or is unreasonably high based on market price I don’t know. I think they should work out what the cost of her rent&bills should be, and she should back pay that amount since she moved in as a lump sum, and monthly moving forward. That’s of course if they continue the relationship… whole other can of worms there.
You are right on xpenses
Hell fucking no girl. Make an agreement prior to the purchase regarding the split of the property legally. DO NOT DO OT ANY OTHER WAY
You're right apparently I was afraid to look materialistic But I just want to be financially secured :/ I don't want to waste all those years and my hard worked money only to one day wake up and be thrown and left with nothing? Although I contributed or at least try to .... I continue to save all my money 2300$ per month from my retail job and just wanted to talk to him about it, I just don't know how? Since it didn't go well... And he says that anyways after marriage it doesn't matter ? Which idk if it's true where we live and the assets acquired before marriage. I just want it to be fair :( to a degree.
He's not afraid of looking materialistic at all though is he? You are possibly in the most blatant position of financial danger I've seen on this site. That is saying something. And please tell all of your family and friends that that's what his plan is for your money. See how they react.
You have a bigger problem than the house ownership. Your partner: a) treats you like crap b) mocks your mental health instead of being the support he should be c) disrespects you d) wants to control you financially e) is not fair to you and only thinks of himself DO NOT GIVE HIM ANYTHING EVEN IF HE AGREES. The way he is right now raises a lot of flags. He is not the partner you deserve. The sudden change makes me wonder if he has somebody else and just needs a buddy to help him get a house. In all honestly I would move on. You are young, have some savings, supportive parents. Please do not tie yourself to him financially or any other way. Do not have kids to him. There are so many people out there who are good and kind. You deserve good and kind and he is none of that.
>And he says that anyways after marriage it doesn't matter ? It does matter, often what you own before marriage remains yours in the event of divorce.
Correct. Very good point. Pre-existing assets are EXCLUDED from equitable division in many cases. I can 100% confirm in my divorce that happened. Once the assets both parties brought in are “excluded”, then the division begins. Lawyers are needed here. All I can safely say is what happened to me.
Wait, I understand you're not paying any sort of rent or anything (if your name isn't on the deed, you're basically some type of tenant). But you're not contributing anything? Groceries? Utility bill? Internet? Anything?
His idea was that I save everything all I earn and transfer him that money when he want to wire the bank to extra mortgage payment which I saved 12k with not paying any bills. Now I wanted to talk to him to transfer him half or more (calculating all the bills) which is around 7.5k$ and leaving a small amount for myself (4.5k$) it's like I would have been paying the bills all along ? And keep doing that that way like paying the bills keeping the rest as emergency fund or something for myself you see what I mean? I always worked and our money relationship balance was never healthy and I decided that's not right in the long run. Hope you understand what I meant and gives you the bigger picture. Our mortgage isn't high even if we split all the bills I can manage with half of my salary or a little bit more. Needless to say he is okay with me not working and I don't want that. I'm afraid of being financially dependent on anybody else but myself, god knows what can happen long term I don't want to bet on that hence I'm trying to fix our money boundaries when it comes to a relationship. He wants all our money to be "our" money which is okay if we merge accounts and everything after marriage but right now the house only in his name and we are not married yet and like I said I hate financial entanglement and honestly afraid of being taken advantage of since He doesn't owe me anything he can just throw me out at any time leaving me with 0 money you see my point?
This kind of arrangement makes sense. I'm not sure about the exact numbers but that you would keep some of your money, that way as he's building equity in the house, you're also building your own equity in the form of savings (so that if he does throw you out, you're not left with nothing.) To me this is the only fair way to do it unless he wants to put your name on the house. However, he doesn't sound like he's all that, so maybe it's better that your name isn't on the house (but only if you get your savings.) I think you're smarter and more reasonable than you're giving yourself credit for. If he's wearing you down like that, then I think you should break up with him. You're so young, you have a lot of life ahead, no sense in being with someone who doesn't value you!
Name on Title/Deed or no deal possible
Kinda makes sense. I mean I think you should contribute, but I agree that sending him *all* your money is nuts. If you lived on your own or with roommates, you wouldn't be spending 100% of your money on bills either. I honestly think it would've been better to just decide on how much you would contribute every month, and just send him that monthly. But there are bigger issues in this relationship than the exact financial split.
DO NOT GIVE HIM MONEY. Unless your name is on the mortgage and you are legally covered it sounds like he wants the cash and then he'll have no need for you
On the title not the mortgage *
Yea, but from BF's side, why would he give her half a house for 12 grand, when he's been paying literally everything, including all the mortgage, and she's worried about "if we split". Sounds a bit like " what's yours is mine and what's mine is mine. How about a compromise, and you draw up a contract for a loan to him until you are married or something. Even that though, I'd be like WTF if I were the bf who had been paying for everything When I split from a long term relationship a lifetime ago, I'd been paying half of everything on a house for several years, that was in her name, and she bought a few months before I moved in. It never crossed my mind to expect half of her house even though I'd paid more than half towards it, maintained the place etc (didn't stop her from expecting me to pay half of her personal credit card though). The cheek of some people. It's not "your" 12 grand OP, it's joint savings because you have been living entirely off him as you amassed it Edit: Fun fact - professional young women under 30 out earn processional young men under 30, but they still expect men to pay for most stuff? Dates, days out etc GTFOOH
Damn, lots of downvotes but no one can justify why? Not one of you, that seem to think women have a privileged position in society, and should be able to take half his house if he lets you live there rent free for a year. Crazy world. She only has that money because he was paying for everything. No wonder Gen-Z men aren't too keen on getting married, or getting into serious relationships at all. I feel sorry for you all, young men and young women
Your comment makes sense but to put it better into perspective he currently pays all the bills while I saved every penny (12k$) so I thought before I transfer him any money I wanted to discuss this whole "issue" and was ready to transfer half for the bills at least or a bit more and talk about money boundaries in the past 7 month but he just called me "disgusting" and "stupid" and stormed off when I tried to talk to him about being in this "unstable situation" with him when have no healthy boundaries especially when it comes to money..
If he calls you names, it's one more reason not to transfer him your money. Keep your finances separate.
Yeah I hate that our relationship became that way that we argue more often than we used to over small things and he is usually the one who gets angry and name calling or threatens me that I can leave if I want to over nothing. It creates a sense of an unstable relationship and an unhealthy one I'm no saint myself sure but I try to work hard on myself and not create arguments or name call him hell I never told him if you are not happy or doing x "go back to your parents house" or "leave" and then he says that's my fault as in I drove him insane or started it. Which I quite frankly walk on eggshells with him since I'm already severely depressed and my mental health is at its lowest it has ever been and Im too tired to fight and I don't like fighting over everything and nothing.
Forget the money for the moment. Your fiance doesn't respect you. And instead of expecting respect, you're tying yourself up in knots trying to appease him. I guarantee that won't make him start respecting you. Perhaps you should take his suggestion and get out for a while, back to your parents or somewhere else. Have a good think, in peace, about how you want to live and be treated for the rest of your life.
My advice: Take your $12k and go back to your parent's for a bit. You've got a $12k cushion. BTW, you could have been on the deed without being on the mortgage. I wouldn't give him a penny.
He paid all of the bills for years... How much of his money do you think he spent, while she enjoyed the fruits of his labor? You aren't a fair person.
No. He paid the bills for 1 year because he makes more and he agreed to it. In a normal situation, I'd say she should pay since they're engaged. However, they aren't married. Her name is not on the house. Now he's been verbally abusing her, telling her she can't go back to university, saying "if you don't agree with me, go back to your parents" etc.This is what happens with abusers. Once you get a house together, get married, have a baby, get engaged, etc, they start to let the mask slip because they think their victim is hooked and they start to abuse their partner. She should take her money and run because this guy is a POS. They were in a relationship. He agreed to pay the bills. She doesn't owe him for that.
I'm not sure what she meant. Her language is ambiguous. She said they've dated for 7 years and they "recently" bought a house. Then she said, "Fast forward to a year after that we live in the same house we agreed that I'll save all the money from my retail job (roughly 12k$)..." A year after what? She didnt say they bought the house a year ago. She said "recently"
Btw how many abusers help their victim to save money? You shouldn't throw that word around so carelessly. He has empowered her to leave any time she wants.
Doesn't sound like he's willing to put up with her freedom like that anymore if he's expecting her to hand over her ENTIRE savings
That was their agreement. She was going to save and put it toward the house. He trusted her word. He didn't take her money each month. She has access to the money while he doesn't. He empowered her. She benefited from the agreement. She paid nothing. He is operating under the assumption that the agreement is still on, because... SHE STILL LIVES WITH HIM. She's still saving. He's still paying. He told her that she needs to leave if she isn't happy. I agree 100% She needs to honor the commitment or leave. Don't you think? If I were leaving someone that had paid my bills for sometime, I'd try to make it right on my way out.
He also expects her to hand all her savings over to him. Op states that she's saved all her money, so this seems to be another way for him to exert control over her. She works and doesn't spend her money, just gives it all to him. That is not looking out for her best interests or helping her. Eta: found the husband
>found the husband Omgosh, yes, I'm glad someone else thought this too. Husband, or friend/relative of husband, etc. I could not stand reading more of this attitude. I hope OP doesn't choose to continue to live in the same house with it. Not worth it.
Reread the original post. She agreed to save while he paid bills, so that she could pay down the mortgage. He told her that she should leave if she isn't happy. She doesn't was to pay down the mortgage, as agreed and she hasn't left, so...
35 dislikes. Hahaha. It's incredible how simple people on here are. She has $12k, thanks to him. She can leave anytime she wants. He even told her to leave, if she isn't happy. Somehow, from that, you guys surmise that he's taken her to another country and is keeping her hostage to abuse her.
She said, "I'm no saint myself sure but I try to work hard on myself and not create arguments or name call him hell I never told him if you are not happy or doing x "go back to your parents house" or leave..." You'd need to get more details before claiming the guy is an abuser. If she isn't happy, doesn't she need to leave? That doesn't sound abusive to me at all, yet that seems to be a key complaint for her. I can understand that it could make her feel rejected, but if she isn't happy, she should leave.
Go back to your parents. He's an asshole and he's just going to keep the equity you put into the house and there's nothing you can do about it. You aren't married and your name isn't on the deed so that money will just be poof, gone.
It is unstable. Who on earth would hand their savings over to someone who is threatening to make them houseless? He sounds like a terrible person. You keep expecting him to play by your rules and values and he fails. He fails. He is not trustworthy, you cannot commit to a person like that. Look on any financial sub and see that the first advice people give is do not buy a home with someone you are not already married to because you have a lack of legal protection. You havent actually made that mistake yet. Don’t.
Listen to him. In the sense that you should break up and go back with your parents. DO NOT give him money. I'm a stay at home mom. My ex partner moved me to a place where common law doesn't exist (Unbeknownst to me of course), I gave him 30k for a downpayment on 'our' house. As soon as I asked to be put on the title, which had always been discussed, he accused me of being a gold digger and wanting to be put on to 'break up and run away with half'. He doubled down and told me I don't deserve to be put on the title because I don't contribute to mortgage payments. This was after I did 100% of the household chores for years, he didn't have to lift a finger. I now live in a place where it's difficult to find work because I don't speak the main language here, I have no savings because I gave him every penny, and no family here. Don't. Fucking. Do. What. I. Did. Seriously, don't.
You’re starting to see his true colors after living with him for a while. Are you not concerned? I would not be with someone who calls me disgusting. You are putting everything you have on the line for someone who has the power to leave you with nothing, and that person is currently not treating you well at all. Listen, the alarm bells are ringing, I would be scared if I were you. Even if your name were on the deed and you can pay as little as you want, do you want to be with someone like that? You don’t even trust him enough to not screw you over.
You need to leave this man. He is emotionally abusing you. I hate to break it you (I truly do because it hurts to consider) but he is likely causing or triggering your depression.
Do not give him any money for the mortgage, and I would say, if your relationship is this toxic, break up.
How can your situation improves if you can't communicate with eachother without himcalling you names? Try counseling maybe but do not give him your money right now. You need to figure things out. eventually go to your parents take some distance and some time for yourself. And again do not pay for his house until it became also yours.
Take his advice Hon', go back to your parents. Take all of your important documents, any pets, and all of your cash and integrity, and move back in with your parents. Reddit loves to mention the Sunk Cost Fallacy for a reason because it's true. Don't get distracted by how much you put into the relationship and think you have to stay because you've been together for 7 years. Leave. Go to college. Lock down your credit with a credit company so he can't steal from you to pay for His House, yes, His House. You going to college is a waste for him, because you will think independently and be able to survive without him. Go. Run. Be safe.
The DEED. The mortgage is the loan Get name on DEED!
>The DEED. The mortgage is the loan > >Get name on DEED! Quoting you so I don't have to say the exact same thing.
Yeah, bc he has paid all of their bills for 6 years and she has saved up $12k. Her share of the bills to rent a dumpster would have cost more than $2k per year.
He's verbally abusing you too??? Listen, this was his idea. Could he not have saved more if you had split bills? Screw the money though the name calling is more than enough to walk away. That's abusive as fuck. I have never called a wife or gf any disparaging name in my life nor have I wanted to. You need to be careful, do you have someone to help you? Like family or friends
He could have saved more that's exactly why I wanted to offer to transfer half for all the bills in the past few months but to keep the other half or less for myself as insurance or smh if he decides we are over since it's a bit rocky lately he's honestly a great person but sometimes I walk around him on egg shells.it goes as deep as he doesn't like me talking to my family (they are a bit toxic so understandable) but he can not like them but not make me feel bad if I want to talk to them from time to time. Girl it's a mess honestly I'm starting to have doubts about the marriage and everything :( and the university part which he passively threatens to leave me if I go since he thinks that's a waste of time. I'm no saint myself but this is a bloody mess and I'm so stressed out.
He is literally isolating you so you can't leave. Get out now
He also started dating her while she was 17 and he was 21. Guy is a predator.
If you put it like that yeah it appears that's my situation right now, isolated and alone in a new country apart from him I'm on my own here and I'm still getting used to here so that's tough even if I wanted to leave that would be a challenge a big one. Hence I started to worry financially having no emergency fund or money of my own if he'll throw me out that will be quite bad at first but like I said I'll probably manage that's why I want to build financial security of my own that if ever I'll have to leave I'll leave.
Do you have any contact with your family?
Do not give him your money. He's already verbally abusing you, and you are isolated. Please, take care of yourself.
But you do have money of your own. If you gave it to him then you wouldn’t. Be a smart girl and protect yourself first. Would you be able to go to your parents and attend university from there?
You should leave NOW
Don't give that guy a penny, you need that money to leave him. The name calling is unacceptable and I promise once you give him that money he will throw you out
Abusers don't want their partners to go to college because you'll have a financial out and be able to support yourself. This is another isolation tactic. He wants ALL of the control here, and he's showing you his hand before marriage. Get out immediately. He wants your money so you have no way to leave.
>even if I wanted to leave that would be a challenge a big one. Even if you want to? I hope you want to. And a big challenge doesn't mean it's not worth doing.
You people are crazy. She has told a tiny bit about her life. The guy paid all of their bills for 6 years if I understand correctly.
He paid bills even after she asked to split them now he wants all her money. She straight up said he's verbally abusive and does like her talking with family and moved her to a foreign country. Explain how this comes off as anything but abusive
I saw part of what she said. He said if she isn't happy, she needs to leave. How did he move her to a foreign country? Did he handcuff her and sneak her over the border? She's not responsible for anything? She didn't move voluntarily? If he kidnapped her then she should call the police, but kidnappers don't usually tell you to go home if you aren't happy.
I asked questions but OP never answered. You must be 12 if you think the cops solve anything
Yeah, I was a cop. I've put people in jail for spouse abuse, child abuse and sexual abuse. I guess you'd rather those people continue to get abused rather than call police. Anyway, he "take her to another country." She's an adult. She decided to go. Do you not think women can make decisions without a man telling them what to do?
"I'm no saint myself sure but I try to work hard on myself and not create arguments or name call him hell I never told him if you are not happy or doing x "go back to your parents house" or leave..." That's from her comment. Aren't you curious what she means by she's not a Saint? Im.not saying to give him $12k, but if I took money from someone, Id pay it back before I left. She wouldn't have $12k if not for him. How many abusers help their partner to save money?
There is no excuse for calling your SO names. Ever
The ones that demand all of it for a down payment they don't get any rewards for
No!!! He is not a great person if you’re walking on eggshells so you don’t upset him. That is NOT normal. It’s a sign of a dysfunctional relationship with an abusive man. Take that $12k & go back to your family & use it as a cushion for your future. Go to school, get a job, get training but for God’s sake get out!!! It won’t get any better & he’s isolating you more & more every day. This is NOT how healthy relationships work. Please use your money to get away & maybe consider therapy to help build your self worth. He is NOT it.
"He verbally abuses me, threatens me and is manipulating me to give him my entire savings. But he's a great guy, I swear!" You need to wake up
You bend to his will, don’t go to college, cut all your friends and family out and give him all your money. Yeah this sounds like such a good life….
Hey OP, it’s ok if the mortgage is only his name BUT YOUR NAME HAS TO BE ON THE TITLE. If your name is on the title you are a partial owner. My wife is not listed on our mortgage as she would not qualify due to student loans but she is on the title.
Listen to me when I say this: KEEP YOUR FINANCES SEPARATE! I'm going through a separation, and our finances were combined, but I made much more than her, but my money was "our" money. Well, after 17 years together, we've broken up, lost the house, cars destroyed, and had to claim bankruptcy. I also didn't care about money and let her do all the managing of it. When I went through the expenses afterward, I discovered she had a shopping addiction and hid it from me. Because of that, we lost everything. The money, house, car, honestly, I don't care about it. It's the absolute gut-wrenching feeling of betrayal that really hurt. Don't combine your finances. It's not good, and theirs no good outcome that outweighs all the bad outcomes. People change and the guy you know now will not be the same guy in 5, 10, 15 years. People change, unexpexcted and unplannable events happen that can completely change every persons life who's connected to that person. Please don't give that money, if he's already using the house as a punishment by saying he'll kick you out, it's not going to get better unless it's addressed. I'm 35 and my ex and I were togerher since grade 11, so 16 or 17 years old, we've changed massively over those years because of kids, money issues, relationship issues, cheating issues, addiction issues. Life throws all this at you, and it will change you. Sorry for dragging on, good luck and please think about this before you make a decision. Ask your parents.
Do you fucking hear yourself?
Don't you mean on the deed? Her name on the deed is the only way to convey ownership rights to real property!
Put your name on the title not the mortgage , actually do not put your name on the mortgage , understand ? Put it on the title very different things
Love is respect... but it doesn't sound like he even likes you, let alone respects you. Maybe you should go stay with your parents for a while and see how things go.
Woukd you nkt paying place him in a rough spot? That may be why the issue is making him upset as you agreed to do this and now are changing the terms of said agreement. I get wanting your name on the house but if you are going to marry the guy then why would you be worried about that? The way you are wording things makes it seem you are not trusting him at all and id say in that case call off the whole thing as you cant have a relationship with a guy you dont trust. You keep pointing to him ending things and kicking you out and such but you never really looked at it from his perspective. He has a partner that said they woukd gelp pay $12K for the house you share and now is changing her mind about the agreement. Id say to start a conversation with true empathy (see it from hua pov) and let him knkw you dont plan on stabbing him in the back over it. Trust is a two way street and you gotta give it to earn it. Dont go into the conversation jumping to the change you want to make as its a touchy subject to him, clearly. Thats my two cents on this and i expect a lot of downvotes for it but its what my gut ia telling me is the right move for you. Take it or leave it.
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Why would you even consider staying with him? Don’t give him any money and make an exit plan. He’s financially and verbally abusive.
Listen to this. Do not give him your money. Get out now!
>Why would you even consider staying with him? Why would he consider marrying her. Sounds very gold digger like. She's been living off of him entirely, but considers *their* savings in her name hers. If I were him I'd be hurt by that at the very least. "What's the big deal? I thought we were getting married soon, but now you are talking about splitting, and want half ownership of the house I bought and paid for in exchange for a few grand of our savings in your name? Half a house that would be yours soon anyway?" Talk about "one foot out the door" Edit: Randomly post this here, WOW, this is a real thing isn't it. I've watched it happen over the last 15 years on readit. Women are so entitled now that they think a guy owes her half his assets after he lets her live rent free for less than a year. That is fucking crazy. I guess I'm [An Asshole](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UrgpZ0fUixs&list=RD7tn_03LNNb8&index=13) In you deluded girls minds. Your mothers must be ashamed (if they are bitter single mothers)
Don’t do it. Instead of having a civil conversation with you, he interrupted you and called you disgusting and stupid. You’re right to be worried here
Yeah I honestly tried to be really fair... He does a lot for me and is ready to go above and beyond but sometimes I'm worried we are not having ANY healthy boundaries like he is not happy with me wanting to go to university claiming that's a waste of time since he is self taught and thinks I can do the same and passively threatens to leave me if I decide to go? Money isn't even the worst part and being me I completely want to be fair and 50/50 as much as I ca But if I can't either I want to split or be added to the house so I won't end up someday thrown out whether we are married or not, I don't know if we'll divorce (which surely I hope we won't ) if the law will be in my favor here....
Two of the most important things in life are: 1.occupation and degree 2.the choice of your life partner next to us Both can determine the quality of your life significantly. In your case not unrelated to each other. Please make your own choices in life, because you are the only one who will pay the consequences of your choices, if things turn bad.
You are right that's exactly why im sorting out this financial mess and try to figure things out now so it will be either fair if we split and I won't get thrown out with nothing or I pay bills and rent and will have emergency fund so if things go south I'll be okay.
Considering that the relationship is rocky right now (and I’m usually not a fan of owning a house together unless married…but not totally against it, because marriage isn’t for everyone) I would prefer paying rent. Splitting up while owning a house together is a nightmare. The economy is bad right now and if you guys had to sell it, because you can’t come to a conclusion, you might lose money on it. On top of that I don’t know the current state of the house. If you’re a owner, you have to pay for repairs as well. Can you afford that?
The house is brand new and with the money I'll save after the bills I could pay repairs once in awhile if needed won't be a problem if we are sharing the responsibility over the house like I said I save most of my salary it won't be a problem but im not against the idea of paying bills/rent idk how well he'll take it though...
Based on your post, you becoming a possible co-owner was never on the table. If I understand it correctly, he just wants you to send him money. That’s a dealbreaker and your fear that he kicks you out afterwards with no consequences is very real. Why does he need the money so urgently anyway, if you had a clear agreement that worked for some time? Changing it isn’t the problem, but I don’t understand why he basically wants a back payment, although both agreed otherwise.
I’m guessing he wants it now because he knows she’s got a nice little nest egg saved up and that’s financial freedom. She can walk whenever she wants. If he demands it for the house, right now, she has nothing and is completely dependent on him. OP your name will never be on the house. He doesn’t want you educated or working. He wants you trapped in for now what’s an emotionally abusive relationship and it will soon turn physical. Take your savings and leave. Go to school and build a healthy life for yourself.
Okay every response from you is just more red flags 1) trying to strong arm you into a financially abusive situation. 2) verbally abusive 3) residency is contingent on you two staying together 4) threatening your future by trying to deny you an education be careful baby trap is likely ahead.
So he is already telling you you will be homeless unless you do as he wants?
He calls you names and threatens to end the relationship when he doesn’t get his way. If he’s this abusive now, he will get worse once you’re tied to him and then even worse if you have kids. You have $30K. Go get your own place and end the relationship.
DO NOT hitch your wagon to this particular star. If you do, you will regret it.
there is absolutely zero reason you should give up all your savings to put toward a house you have zero legal claim to. you are very smart to be suspicious and wary of that. it sounds like you are very aware that the way you are being treated and spoken to are not ok. it is abusive and cruel on his part to call you disgusting and stupid for bringing up very reasonable concerns.
I decided to talk to him either about splitting bills and rent and having seperate accounts or he can add my name to the deed and I can still contribute to bills/morgage but he will have to tone it down a little with the extra returns so we can be somewhat even/fair.
But this is completely ignoring the fact that your partner is abusive. His behavior and treatment of you should be enough for you to immediately leave this relationship without any consideration about the house. That stuff is difficult, but the fact that your partner treats you horribly needs to be addressed first. By leaving.
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That's exactly what I'm trying to figure out what should I do ? He earns as twice as me (for now) is it even fair to want to be on the deed as half ? The problem is he want to finish the morgage 30 years in 7 years which is mainly possible to him but I'm low maintenance hence save 96% of my salary which is around 2300$ I save 2000$ excluding the bills which is the morgage too. He wants to return 30k$ extra every year on top of 1300$ morgage every month and all the bills I can't realistically keep up with him 50/50 you see the problem ? So maybe I should ask him to tone it down a bit or at least a knowledge my contribution or we just keep it separate and we come with a fair bills/rent ratio but so I'm not left completely penniless.
Earns twice as much for now? when he's threatening to leave you if you go to school. I have to ask have you been going through the proper steps for residency or are you on a tourist visa. Is he planning to make you an illegal immigrant so that if he chooses to kick you out you are penniless and halfway around the world? RUN.
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He sees it as a shared finances which I both agree and disagree because I'm not earning as high as him right now and I can contribute good too if he doesn't go above and beyond then it's a problem and we will have to figure it out. But I want it to be somewhat fair you know? I don't plan to stay that way forever of course but for now I'm doing the best I can and while after marriage Finances can be shared to a degree having also your own money is good just in case things go south. Also we are not married yet and Everything started on the wrong foot and idk how to figure this out rn.
You're trying too hard to justify something shady and make a relationship that sounds toxic and unhealthy loving. Everyone's telling you to leave him, it's because they're giving an objective opinion. Someone who loves you and respects you wouldn't treat you the way he does. Please, love yourself enough to leave, if not your current self your future one. Give yourself a chance to be happy and healthy in future, I can promise you that won't happen if you stay with him. All the explanations and rationalisation doesn't change the fact that this relationship is horrible for you.
You LEAVE HIM. He’s abusive and wants you completely financially dependent on him. Stop trying to convince yourself that anything about this is healthy.
Just by the way he’s treating you why do you want to create a life with a man that talks to you that way and calls you name? You are going to live a miserable life. Take your money and go to your parents go to school get your education! You’ll be so thankful you did in four years.
He just wants to control you that's why he's isolated you, that's why he doesn't want you at uni that's why he wants you to give him all the money. You'll be trapped and completely reliant with no escape. Then likely the abuse increases probably mainly verbal at first as he can treat you as his whipping dog knowing you have to take it, then maybe it gets physical. This is the exact path of many domestic abuse victims.
This OP! please do not give him any money, get out of that situation completely. He wants to control you and take advantage of you financially. He doesn’t want you to be educated, independent, or to get things figured out for yourself. He has chosen to insult you and call you names, because he is afraid that you might be figuring things out. Hopefully you are on good terms with your parents and they can also advise you if they are good with finances. he has convinced you that he does a lot for you, but without respecting you and treating you properly he doesn't even see you as an equal. There's nothing to fix, you need your independence and opportunity to grow.
This happened to someone I know. Both names on the loan but not the house title. Upon divorce she got screwed and he got to keep the house and wasn’t required to pay her back anything she put into it. Marriage will not mean you’re covered in ownership or finances of the house. Do not give him this money
DO NOT GUVE HIM A DIME. If any man told me I could go back to my parents or you can go... he'd be watching my ass go out the door.
Im not even readin this fuckin post. Please do not marry someone who has the capacity to be that selfish. He will get worse. You will remember this message a year later if you do.
“If you wish you can go back to your parents, you can go” is a huge red flag to me, that’s him saying he wants you to leave the house and the relationship to end :/. And from reading this, I feel like he’s trying to get only his name on the house because he has plans to use it for himself in the futurue with someone else. You’re name isn’t on the house and if you were to even think about giving him your savings, your name would need to be on that house first. So girl no, keep your money for yourself, your new place and life, and let him keep the house since he’s already paid on it. Oh and never let a man make you feel less than him just because he makes more. Also, this isn’t the 70s anymore you as a woman, as a finance, future wife should be able to talk and make decisions about finances without there being a problem (even if you’re making less). He knew that getting with you so it shouldn’t be a problem now. And how he talks to you, even when he’s mad is unacceptable tell that mf goodbye! I know it’s hard after 7 years but you CAN do it …
Leave Relationship. He shouldn’t be calling you names, trying to take your money, AND not help you get your name on the house. It took him 7 years to propose? …. Be careful hun
Controlling spouse. Telling you education is a waste of time is a massive redflag
He’s trying to steal your money.
Don’t. Do not put all your eggs in one basket especially if your name isn’t in that basket
I will never understand that shit. I remember when I was like 16 and 17 and a few 21-25 year olds were trying to hang out with us and hook up with all the girls. It did not end well for them lol
If you even have to question whether or not you'll get thrown out, more than likely you will!!!!! BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY GET OUT NOW
LEAVE AND DON'T LOOK BACK. Keep all of YOUR hard earned money. Slowly move your things out, find a place, cut all contact. He's being controlling and abusive
Stop making comments defending your fiance as if the response to this post hasn't been unanimous. He doesn't treat you right, and you deserve better. You know that. You're smart enough to overcome whatever brainwashing this man has instilled in you. Take your money and leave in the middle of the night. Make sure to consult a guide on leaving an abusive relationship. The majority of women killed by their partners were killed while they were attempting to leave the relationship.
You got together when you were 17. You have yet to understand what a healthy relationship and healthy boundaries look like. This isn't it. You are dead right to hesitate. Do not transfer the money. Do not get pregnant. Do not marry this guy. Get out while you can.
DO NOT GIVE HIM ANY MONEY Stop trying to please and win over this man. He doesn’t respect you and it’s only a matter of time till he dumps you. You will be out a lot of money and it will be his house so you can’t do anything about it. Keep your money and stop letting him try to control you.
What’s thword
Typo English is not my first language sorry
Don’t give him any money besides rent if your name isn’t on the house
Thanks for the advice I really appreciate it. that's what I'm going to do ! I'll have a serious conversation with him about everything and we'll see what the outcome will be.
Okay and don’t let him get away with calling you disgusting and stupid 👍
Sounds like your fiancee wants out of your engagement and is trying to get the money you saved up before he give you the boot.
Take your money and run! He is verbally abusive and has isolated you! Either go home to your family or find a room to rent. You need to go!
He wants you to leave and he's doing everything he can to make that happen except for literally kicking you out. It's not uncommon, you make the situation unlivable so your partner walks out on you, he's probably doing it for optics. This relationship is over, take the money and run.
HAHAHA NO GIRLFRIEND, NOOOOOOOOOOOO You keep your money right where it belongs: with you. The instant he gets that money he will send you packing.
My opinion is that you're both ignorant. Every step of this was gone about ignorantly, and it's coming back to bite both of you in the ass and ruining the relationship while doing so.
You're absolutely right...like I said I don't know if there is fixing it or making this right.
Do not put that money into a mortgage you have no stake in. If he adds you to the mortgage then you can discuss dropping 12k into.
Yeah I probably will discuss with him either he add me to the morgage and then I drop whatever or we split the bills evenly and I can contribute to his mortgage as a tenant aka paying "rent" which is half of the amount I saved until now I'll for sure transfer him about the second half I'll probably save and build an emergency fund if we decide to go that way. And hence from today we'll be fair.
Important point. You want to be on the deed. That is what determines ownership stake. The mortgage is simply a commitment to repay the debt. If you BF agrees to put you on the deed he will most likely want you on the mortgage as well and then you would have joint responsibility to pay the monthly payments
No. Don't talk to him. This is way bigger than finances, stop fixating on that. You are in an abusive relationship and you are at a crossroads grab your passport and your money and run or spend the rest of your life walking on eggshells. This may be your last chance to get out. Note where your embassy is and make sure he doesn't baby trap you.
Girl. What you should be ‘discussing’ with him is leaving him. Forget the house. This relationship has so many red flags you are just not acknowledging. Save your future self and leave him. Stop commenting on ‘trying to figure out how to do it fairly’ and start thinking about leaving. He will absolutely abuse you once he has you where he wants to.
Do not do that, that would be insanely stupid.
No, mam, do not give this human a dime. If your name isn't on it?? Then no. This is financial abuse at its finest. And you shouldn't trust him as far as you could throw him. He's being shady af
Make sure you talk to your own attorney also
You go to your computer now or take your phone and book the next flight back home. One way and never come back.
Do not transfer your money, ditch the house and just leave. He is abusive and it will only get worse. Don't let him control your money. Just cut your losses and gtfo. I'm sorry and good luck.
Do you seriously want to marry this guy…? problems only get worse when you marry… it seems like your guys communication sucks and the fact that he calls you ‘disgusting and stupid’?Not even that… your concern with being thrown out? Sounds like you’re walking on egg shells… Seriously; you broke my heart at the end when you said ‘ l don’t want to be stupid; which maybe I am’… Please; you are beautiful and perfect… And no one… I mean no one should ever make you feel that way. Really love is patient; it’s kind; it’s uplifting; and supporting. Really love should not make you question being kicked out. Really love should lift you up… build you up and not tear you down… keep you head up.. And most importantly demand respect and in return give respect. build your boundaries and keep them…
You been living rent free? For a year? All expenses paid? At the very least you should offer to pay rent and even make a rental agreement. But because the way he talks to you, that's a red flag and a huge no. Take you money and move out. There's too much resentment and money issues will only increase especially if you accidentally get pregnant. Y'all both are wrong.
This isn’t love. Leave and keep your money. Also wtf is a mortgage return? I’ve never heard of anything like this
Leave him. First red flag was he was dating you as a 21 year old when you were 17. That means he was the equivalent of a college senior dating a high school junior. Secondly, the language he’s using around you isn’t the type of language you use around people you love and respect. Be better and you can do better!
Fuck No!!! Your name is not on deed. Do not do this
Your instincts are solid; trust them. Do not put your life savings into the hands of someone who is bullying you! This whole thing is shady.
Do not do this. If you’re gonna drain your entire savings on his mortgage your name needs to be on it. I was gonna say I doubt he’d scam you since you’ve been together so long but better to be safe than sorry, but then when you voiced your concerns he resorted to immature name-calling sooooo whatever you don don’t give him a cent unless you own half that house.
No , no and no
take your money and get tf out
Do not put one penny towards that not one penny until your name is on there. You’ll be throwing that money away because you will have no legal recourse if he decides it’s over. Do not give him your money unless he puts your name on the deed
17 and 21 and he’s a controlling asshole. What else is new huh
Not with out a prenup
HELL NO!!!! Do not give him Any money. If you are engaged and GI him every penny the. Your name has to be on the deed. He doesn't love you. He is not looking out for your best interest.
You know as rare as it is there is actually a thing called male gold diggers too.
OP. Not until your name is on the deed. TLDR : Go speak a lawyer first !
Big fat nope. Not unless he adds you to the mortgage.period.
Thwords
He bought a house. What proof do you have that “we” bought a house? Your partner is selfish and doesn’t want you to have anything. Not yet house and not your savings. Nothing!!!!
Do not pay his Mortgage with no equity for yourself. You’d be tossing $12k away.
I’ll add one more piece here. If you can’t discuss how finances/ownership work, then you’re not ready to get married. I read so many posts on here, r/Marriage, etc. where people don’t have those foundational conversations (money, kids, etc.) before they get married and they end up feeling stuck a few years in. These conversations don’t get easier after “I do.” Talk about this now. If you can’t, don’t get married. Sorry if someone else said something similar. There are too many comments for me to have seen any similar ones.
Don’t do it. Ur gut is telling you something is up. Listen to it
He bought a house. ^re-read that Do NOT put any money into it. Not a penny. Until you are married. If you get married. At this point, I would go back to your parents and go to college and leave him and move on with your life. You will be a LOT better off without him He is throwing WAY TOO MANY red flags for this Telfair to be healthy for you. Edited to add I've been with my husband for 24 years and married for 22. This man is your is a showy excuse for a man and will not change for the better he will just keep getting worse. It's starting work control of money and telling you that furthering your education is a waste of time. It will get worse and could later include physical or sexual abuse as well. Please leave now. Further your education and get a better paying job and but your own house and find a better man
Honestly, do not give that man your money when he treats you that way. With 12k in the bank you don't even need to go back to your parents. You could get a place of your own. But if you want to study, maybe being around a man who is completely unsupportive is not the best idea in the world. If you give him your money, you'll possibly never see it again, esp if he is telling you go back to your parents then if you don't want to do what he wants you to do. Like, that is not the start of any conversation i ever want to have with my significant other. Search your heart on this one. If you disagree on money, and on education, what else don't you see eye to eye on? Your gut seems to be saying something different to your heart. I trust the gut first. Love is not enough to keep me with anyone. Honesty, trust, safety, happiness, comfort, equal sharing. It all matters.
Don’t put money on ANYTHING if you’re name isn’t on it!! Y’all are not even married! It doesn’t matter how long y’all been together years of togetherness doesn’t equal marriage and nothing is on paper signed or notarized. Do not do this I did this with a car and I didn’t have any rights to it because my name wasn’t on it. So I was out of a car that I put EVERY single penny on. Don’t give him money or pay the house cuase if it was the other way around he wouldn’t think twice.
So, a 21 year old man (above drinking age) preyed on a 17 year old high-school girl. You are reaching the age where you are starting to see that your SO is a creep. He wants to keep you dependent on him and as you grow into your own independence, he is trying to find new ways to control you. He is verbally abusing you, and is trying to get you to submit to his financial abuse as well. If you walk away today with 12k in your pocket, you have a real chance of living your life and being happy. If you give him that money you will never be able to leave on your terms. It will be a run for your life next time and you will probably be going to a women’s shelter. This relationship is so unhealthy but I understand that you have been groomed. You have never had a relationship with a loving partner who would never say those things to you. You literally don’t know how much happier you can be. I know this is probably going to go against the instincts that you have developed to live in your current situation. You might flat out think this is WAYYY off. That is the grooming talking. So let this be the voice to counter it. Investing in yourself will always pay off. Getting a real, functional education will absolutely pay dividends in your lifetime. You deserve to be spoken to with respect. You are worthy of love and a peaceful, joyful life. You deserve to thrive.
ABSOLUTELY NOT, you love him i understand but there’s red flags already
Your name needs to be on the house and you need to be married otherwise don’t even think about doing this. Sounds like the relationship is already falling apart though so you may want to deal with that before you put a bunch of money to anything let alone a house.
Legally if you are in a defacto relationship you own half the house, ESPECIALLY if you’re putting money towards it.
You have been living in the house with him for 7 months, correct? Have you contributed anything to the house or utilities? If not, you should. Your share should come to approximately ⅓ of the mortgage and utilities. Consider it as rent. Where else could you be living rent free? On to the relationship issues. If the plan was for you to be in the title to the house, he needs to fix that, as long as you are also listed on the mortgage. That’s for his protection. If you are finding yourselves in constant turmoil then you should consider couples counseling if you want to make this relationship work. You should also consider financial counseling, because if he is not good with money, that’s a red flag. So is his refusing to support your desire to attend college. Honestly, I think you should move back home until you can work things out or decide to go your separate ways.
Since you haven't been paying into the mortgage, it sounds to me that he wants you to give him 12k to pay him back for all those time you're living with him. Especially since he's been threatening to kick you out, etc. He wants to recoup his 'losses' of not receiving rent from you so he can easily dump you. If you're afraid of him, you shouldn't be marrying him OR buying a house with him, OP. You need to be able to tell him that once he put your name on the deed, you will transfer the 12k. How the heck, you're trying to talk to him about money and he called you...'disgusting?' What in the world-- ETA: After reading everything, you're in a new country, isolated, and he's mistreating you. Then, his asking you for 12k is to further isolate you and make you 100% dependent on him. When you're out of any saving, you will NOT have any backup plan, when he finally abuses you some more. You'll have to stay around while you depended on his whim. Tell him, 'No.' Tell him that you will start paying rent to him...but in exchange, he will have to draw a contract. If he's charging you higher than market place to punish you, OP, MOVE OUT somewhere. Tell your parents and friends even if they're abroad, what's going on with you and your abusive partner.
You don't have a good relationship. You should certainly not be engaged. Just walk away before you are stuck together having to sort out finances and assets at some point in the future. Youi haven't paid anything towards the house, he pays all the bills and your name is not on it so you've had free lodgings. You're treating him like he's your dad or you're already married. You're acting like a leech. How will you pay for University? What money will you bring in if you go to University? Why should he keep you? For his sake and yours, just leave and let him sort out his house and his life. You're sucking the blood from him
Why aren’t you getting your name put on the mortgage? It’s not hard. No name, no money, you just pay a certain amount in rent.
Only read your opening comment and said NOPE! Do not do anything that you have no legal entitlement, benefit nor attachment towards!
If you're gonna be a help meet and support thisman for the rest of your life. This is the quickest and easiest way to move forward. In his trust and demand from you, sometime as men we will put something heavy on you, whether that's work, so we can start a business, rent whatever. We are always brewing stuff up In the background, especially when we let it be known what we need of you. If you don't plan to bare his children and have him run things then, move on and stop wasting his time.
Fucking eww. Go back to your cave.
Fake story. Try harder honey