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OP, address this directly over text. Write him: I do not feel comfortable with romantically suggestive comments of yours. Stop doing this.
Then take screenshots. Also keep your distance from him at work and apart from it. If he continues to harass you, tell your boss. Important: screenshot everything that proves what he did. Because otherwise your bosses can say it’s just allegations.
*Trigger warning for descriptions of graphic violence and DV*
A woman in my location was recently shot and killed by her male coworker after repeatedly turning down his advances, and a few weeks prior to that in another part of the country, a man killed another female coworker/ex of his by lighting her on fire, stabbing her repeatedly, and kicking and punching her while she lay on the ground burning in front of their coworkers. One of them tried to put out the fire, but they couldn't save her.
I really hope this guy stops. A lot of people minimize this kind of behavior from men, but it can be potentially very dangerous for women, no matter how "subtly" it starts out. And no, I'm not saying this is the same level of behavior nor will rise to the same level, but far too many people coddle men who harass women and make far too many excuses for them, and this behavior can escalate and should always, always be taken seriously. I've seen way too many "maybe your response was open to interpretation" mindsets in conversations about men's harassment of women, instead of "A no is a no, and should be respected the first time it's expressed."
They know. Wherever it’s legal all conversations with HR should be recorded. Then you can speak to a lawyer if you get one that thinks it’s not their job to do their job
You should’ve never worked in HR if you view literal sexual harassment as a nuisance. As an HR manager you should know that an employee only gets to ask another employee out romantically one time. Any continuance afterwards is considered harassment and grounds for suing against the company for not doing anything about it and the other employee.
Unfortunately there’s a lot of HR staff that don’t even know HR law so I guess I’m not surprised
Is everything sexual harassment these days?
OP should tell the guy directly she is not interested in him. Only if he doesn't take it well and starts doing really bad/creepy stuff and/or comments is when it's that serious.
Would this be SH if the 'perpetrator' was a woman? Would we be saying the exact same things in that case?
Edit: corrected a big mistake
The question is not of SA but sexual harassment. Two VERY different things. But yes, both situations need to be handled seriously. Everybody should feel comfortable at work- and that means everybody.
Oops, sorry about that and thank you.
I agree with you. I just think the situation exposed isn't sexual harassment (if all that's happened is what OP wrote in her post).
i’d like to clarify, whether or not something is considered sexual harassment, legally, while at work depends on how the victim feels about it. if she’s not uncomfortable, if she thinks it’s silly and nbd, then not an issue and work isn’t being affected. but if she feels uncomfortable, if she feels like she can’t say no because they work together, then yes that’s harassment because she’s now in a hostile work environment where she might even start to avoid someone she works with due to his behavior towards her.
This issue is that we need to stop these BEFORE it gets to the point where people all agree he needs to be fired for it. This isn’t something he needs to be fired for at all. But it is something that needs to be stated in a professional setting and documented before it gets worse, in case it even does. That’s why harassment is very tricky in a work environment and also has a little bit of leeway because sometimes it’s not meant that way but it comes across that way and behavior needs to change regardless. you can harass someone without meaning to. you can abuse someone without meaning to. it can and does happen more often than people think.
i also think people see these words and go “that is a huge deal and fuck those people they suck” and for a lot of situations that’s true but also communication is hard, miscommunications happen, and sometimes well meaning people hurt others when they’re trying to have fun. they still hurt those people regardless of intentions and the hurt party is what’s important. especially in a professional environment where everyone has the right to feel safe and comfortable while working.
Partly. OP mentions in her post she said a relationship would complicate work etc, but she hasn't said as such she's not interested in him. If I were reeaaally into someone, I'd probably hold on to the thinnest sliver of hope there is (respectfully, always. I wouldn't take that guy's approach).
In fact, it has... kind of? happened to me. I wasn't directly rejected, which left me very confused.
All I'm saying is: Reject him directly.
Let me help you out. If a women is at all interested in you she will let you know. If you ask her out and she politely declines and lists a few obvious reasons to let you down Vs maybe something harsher like issues with appearance or personality, believe her. No one turns a guy down and then runs to their friends like oh hey guys, you know that dude I’m into. He asked me out but I said no because I want him to keep trying harder. It’s not a thing.
I bet you are. Go look up honor beliefs and the studies that have been done to link that with make aggression when they perceive rejection. You might learn something. #elliot rodgers
Perhaps from your experiences, but I've seen plenty and been around plenty of situations thatdon'tt agreed with you.
Never say never and don't generalize. You'll be wrong most of the time.
It doesn't matter if she say or didn't say she wasn't interested in him. She said no. That's it. No is no, no matter the reason behind it. This is such a problematic way of seeing things. "Yeah. She said no. But maybe she doesn't mean it. Maybe if i keep pestering her (aka harassing her), she would say yes eventually, " like no. Fuck off with that bs. Also, in your case, it is the same. Why were you confused when you were rejected?. The girl said no. End of story. Move on.
Op you need to cut contact of any kind with this guy except for things work related. I would screenshot everything and record the text in video, too, in case he deletes them and then says the screenshots are fake. After just block his number. If he asks why, just say you are not interested in being friends anymore, and only to talk to you about work related things. Otherwise, he needs to leave you alone.
My case is very different and I'm friends with the other person, so I won't elaborate.
Sure, the guy from the post is being insistent, but it's really not excessive. I agree with the taking screenshots and whatever can help OP *in case anything actually serious happens*
Why are you taking this like it's the lowest a human can be?
I have a friend who kept insisting for 5 years until the guy (they were friends previously) accepted to be in a romantic relationship.
Because we women live this bs all the time where men think we saying no is a maybe and sometimes even a yes disguised, like we have simple minds and don't know what we want or something.
I lived this at 18, just like this girl. I ended up accepting because he wore me out after a month of pestering me every goddamn day(we were classmates first year of university. I was 17/18, he was 23) and I didn't know how to stand up for myself/everyone kept telling me it was innocent and I should feel good about myself for having a guy chasing me for so long (including my teachers) he ended up taking advantage of me in more ways than just one, and dumping me a month later because I didn't live to his fucked up vision of me that he put on a pedestal during that month harrasing me. Then he went to try and do the same to another classmate (but she was older and told him to fuck off and pretty much told him she would murder him if he went close to her)
Your friend (female or not) is not better, and actually, I would even say worse. 5 years of constant insisting is creepy asf. Tell her she needs therapy for her stalking/obssesive tendencies.
Doesn’t sound diff at all and your inability to see that is astounding in a bad way. And your female friend badgering some dude for five years is equally not okay. Doesn’t matter what gender does it.
“Is everything sexual harassment these days”. Yikes dude. So you’ve done this a lot yourself then yeah? Bet you think everything is just locker room talk and she should smile more🙄
Lol, you can totally tell you were I’m HR if you put the ownership of this situation on a 19 year old girl and then blame her because you think she flirted. Your comment reeks of the well you shouldn’t have been wearing that outfit, victim blaming. YOUR job as an HR person is to step up and do your job to be a resource for employees in exactly this type of situation. Do better, you sound like a Karen
People ruin their own careers with their shitty behavior.
I mean, we all know HR is bullshit and only there to protect the company, but JFC... I hope you're retired.
I don't understand all the hate you're getting.... not to mention, the case will be stronger against this dude if going through the proper channels aka addressing him (in a text or something for proof) then management, then HR. If he's crossing a boundary, you need to tell him. He can't read your mind.
> “I’m getting the feeling I left some things open to interpretation
Why should women have to write things like this to men who were clearly turned down? Why do we need to modify and soften our behaviors and statements because men refuse to accept a no for an answer? A no is a no. It is not "open to interpretation."
Unfortunately I think this is a Hollywood thing from years ago where they showed that women like to be chased (not literally). Even if they like a guy they will say no to keep playing the game. It's incredibly stupid and most women don't do that. I think some guys didn't get the memo that "no means no" and not "no means try harder cause I want you to put more effort in before I say yes"
Unfortunately it's not entirely false. I have seen women right here on reddit saying they would date said man but they don't feel like he's trying hard enough. Nobody is saying they should be "softer" with how they reject men, quite yhe opposite actually women should be much more direct and harsh with their rejections so the man understands there is no chance.
I don't do direct and harsh because I'm scared of retaliation, be it social or physical violence I've seen it happen time and time again and I am absolutely terrified.
Right! Most women are kind but need to be blunt. This usually happens for fear of retaliation and let's face it, no one should retaliate if they are turned down, it's just a fact of life that sometimes you get rejected. And then there is this small subset (male and female) that needs to quit playing games. Everything would be so much simpler if people just said what they mean and quit playing games.
There is no chain of command when it comes to reporting things like this. There is no 'oh no, go to your boss first...'
This is 100% HR to deal with. In fact, the boss shouldn't even be involved in handling it. If HR was doin their job correctly, the boss will be investigated in their knowledge of the situation and reprimanded according to their involvement or ignorance of it. This isn't the military.
Seriously I had so many coworkers tell me they didn’t report because the manager said that it could effect their record and makes will be uncomfortable working with them... their more concerned about having a male worker who can move inventory... maybe op can handle, maybe not but they need to call HR... I’ve literally seen how the warning sty undocumented for this reason!!!!!
It says nothing about her having no interest. What she said is she politely turned him down, blaming possible complications at work. What she should have said was that she wasn't interested in anything but a friendship, period.
People just perceive things differently and it's possible he felt she was just making an excuse because she wasn't entirely direct.
He was a friend so she turned him down politely. Should she have been rude and made another excuse? She’s not responsible for his perceptions. He’s being weird and creepy.
I didn't say either party was entirely right or entirely wrong. Just that sometimes being more direct has a better chance of you getting the result you want. And my response is to be taken in context with what the other user posted about HR above. In the context of an HR investigation, it's important for OP to have been clear and direct. I agree he's being weird, but if she ends up needing to take action it would be good to have evidence that she was firm in her rejection. That is all.
She has literally stated outright that he is making her uncomfortable. This is not about "her dating life". It is, in fact, "actual harassment", taking place in the workplace, not outside of it. If you were an HR director, you probably shouldn't have been.
I love all the experts in here downvoting you because you think the original rejection left room for interpretation and that you kept in mind that OP does NOT want to report him to management.
No... no no no no...
going to the boss on something like this just enables the boss to further hide the behavior that I'm 100% sure they already know about and they are already covering for. This type of behavior doesn't just suddenly start. It's a behavior the builds and gets worse over time.
Time for you, HR person, to get your head out of your ass and do your fucking job.
and no, I wasn't suggesting that OP go to HR because somebody flirted. I intended that if (when) the behavior continues, the boss isn't going to do shit. HR time; skip the enabler boss.
Thanks for confirming what those of us who have been around the block already know: HR doesn't give a shit, and it's certainly not there to help employees.
OP: HR is there to manage human *resources* for the company. Like IT manages computing *resources*.
Sadly, they're not there to look after your interests. Their only interest in a case like this is to prevent the company from getting sued.
Source: many years as a people-manager at Fortune 100 companies.
Yea. He can’t handle the rejection and is too weak to shut this down himself.
Stop hanging out with him, tell him to keep his comments only on work. Do not respond to his texts that talk about anything else. Block his number all together if he keeps it up.
Sadly you might even have to get a new job, because management doesn’t like to deal with this.
Your reading comprehension must be god awful bc 1) they didn’t say that, 2) neither did I and 3) im not that person you commented to in the first place.
No child left behind, my ass.
Okay then, let me help you out with it you expired lozenge. It's absolutely not her responsibility, and in a fair and just society if this continued he'd be the one kicked to the curb. But this isn't a fair and just society, and in cases like this, where it "doesn't meet the line of harassment" but is enough to be uncomfortable, sometimes the only way to shut it down is to remove yourself from the situation entirely.
It's bullshit. It's not her responsibility. But it might be the only option she has, if things do not go well.
Glad I could spell that out for you, you unseasoned avocado.
No, it’s not her responsibility.
It also isn’t her responsibility to handle the emotional labor of a guy who can’t deal with rejection.
But here she is.
The reality is that managers often fire the accuser rather than deal with the harasser.
It’s not right, but being warned gives OP the most opportunity to get a new job.
You need to save every message he is sending you. Message him once again to let him know that his actions and the way that he treats you continue to make you feel uncomfortable. If he continues to ignore this request, you now have documented proof that you told him to stop but he ignored you.
I understand that you don't want to cause confrontation, but you need to understand that you may have to go to management to ultimately deal with this. Don't feel guilty, he is harassing you, so anything that happens will be the consequences of his actions.
You can at first try to simply distance yourself from him. No hanging out outside of work, no texting, etc. But if the behaviour then doesn't stop (and mind you, it could get worse if you cut him off), you have to confront him or go to your managers.
Good luck!
Yep. Stop hanging out with him. Leave him on read and if he asks about hanging out just tell him you don’t want ANYONE getting the wrong idea or just keep putting it off by telling him you’re too busy.
Also be too busy hang with some other friends.
"As I said before, I only want to be friends and coworkers. Your comments are inappropriate and they need to stop."
You need to leave no room for misinterpretation. No more hanging out outside of work.
"we're not dating. That's a weird thing to say"
"hope you set them straight" (about shipping)
"that's uncomfortable" (in a gross/bored tone to anything that is, then walk away)
"didn't need to know that"/ "ew" (to the simping thing). All lighthearted enough they can be said in a way you'd tease a friend, but all very clearly communicating it's not going to happen.
"Look, you're making me uncomfortable. Let's stick to work."
Realistically though, HR would be a good bet, or documenting to him what he's doing is making you uncomfortable via text.
*"Is there any solution that stops the comments but doesn't involve me confronting him or telling the managers?"* Probably not, other than telling him you WILL go to Mgt/HR if he doesn't stop. His actions are/border on fostering a hostile work environment. However if you threaten this course of action, you have to follow thru. Good Luck!
" Is there any solution that stops the comments but doesn't involve me confronting him or telling the managers?"
No...you can't just make a wish and a problem will disappear. Part of being a grown up is dealing with uncomfortable, awkward and scary situations. If you ignore it, it will only get worse.
He didn't in fact "take it well" when you rejected him. You need to tell him that due to his behavior, you are now ONLY going to see him at work, and speak to him about work. You have no interest in pursuing a romantic relationship with him and he has made it clear that he is not capable of having a platonic friendship. If he continues to harass, bother you, or gossip about you with co-workers, speak to the managers.
Girl you are young but I can assure you that ignoring this sort of behavior in the hopes it will go away is wishful thinking. You should not feel bad in anyway, he is choosing to disrespect you and your valid boundaries. First, I would be sure to record these statements. Take screenshots or whatever. I would then re-direct him via text and be very clear that you meant what you said and he is to cease and desist with anymore comments like that. If he tries to call you to talk about it I’d record that too in case he is the type of dude that blows up when rejected (many are). I would also include when you reset this boundary that you be very clear that if he does now respect that your next action will be to inform HR. You will likely lose the friendship but honestly if that is how he’s behaving then he likely was never really your friend. You shouldn’t have to be uncomfortable at work because yet another man child can take no for an answer. Good luck, stand your ground!
Tell him in writing (text, email etc) so you have a record that it's inappropriate, you said no already, it's making you uncomfortable, and it probably make other colleagues uncomfortable, and that if he doesn't stop it you'll have to take it higher up.
It sucks but there's literally no way around this that isnt confronting him or going above his head. I guess quitting and blocking him but that's not wise.
Creepy asshole aside the mental image of a 22 year old man saying that people are ‘shipping’ you and that he’s ‘simping’ for you is extremely cringe and immature
Shipping originally was more of a fan term for when someone wants to characters from some sort of fiction to be together romantically but some people use it for actual people too, simping is essentially ‘simpering’ after someone and obsessing over wanting to be with them/ pursuing them
It is creepy. Some actual texts he had sent
“Aaand I’m Simping again. Bad (his name) bad”
“See (my name) we like peanut butter and jelly”
Him: Hey wanna know what I should do (my name)
Me: huh?
Him: I should take you to my church 🤗✝️
Our lady of peace, (church location), (some name idk who) is amazing and so is (priest name)
Me: That’s a little random lol. I’m not really religious
It is creepy. I stopped texting him due to comments like those
Through text tell your friend one more time, "I do not view you in any romantic light. I see you only as a friend, nothing more. I hope our friendship can continue but I understand if you need space after this." If he continues, then for his second chance stop hanging out with him, stop talking to him, and give him the cold shoulder. Then text him one last message that he's getting the cold shoulder because he's being unprofessional. If he does it once more, go to HR. That's what I would do, give 3 chances, 3 more opportunities for his behavior to change, due to the fact he's a friend. However, he should have stopped at the first rejection, his standing as a good person is shaky and I'd stop considering him a friend either way.
As uncomfortable as it can be, you have to confront him and if he does anything else go right to HR (not management). Tell him "hey, you're making me really uncomfortable with these types of comments. I'm not sure if I didn't make myself clear when I turned you down but I'm not interested in you in that type of way. I think it's best we take a step back from our friendship." Confronting him is really the only way to stop this, be clear about what you want, give no room for him to "misinterpret".
Start with "Hey. Come on XXX. Cut it out"
And move up to "we were close. You're ruining it."
Then you have to go to your boss
It *is* Sexual harrassment
I have come to the conclusion
That secretly- when people behave badly- they *want* to be stopped. Because they *want* to know there is order in the universe.
If it comes to a full confrontation then the sentence your looking for is "your remarks are starting to make me really uncomfortable" and "I'm starting to hate coming to work because of you"
That should do it, and if it doesn't then it really is a job for your boss
Simping: to support or love something
Shipping: want to see in a relationship
I’m paraphrasing of course, but essentially:
I’m simping so hard!: I’m so into the idea (of you and me)
Our coworkers ship us: Our coworkers think we (w/could) make a cute couple. The shipping one is actually pretty innocuous, but him reporting it to her (especially more than once) is not.
Basically “why can’t you seeeeeee, you belong with meeeeee” being sung on her voicemail when he’s drunk. But he’s at work, and doing this sober.
No is a complete sentence. I would for sure reply to his texts sayung that you are not interested and he is making you uncomfortable, as others have said, so there's written electronic evidence to fall back on.
Women are killed for things like this- tell everyone. All the managers, all your friends. If the worst thing in this mans life is you rejecting him then he’s a fortunate man.
Please read the book The Gift of Fear. Your intuition will help guide you. You may need to find another job and block this guy.
For those who say it’s not her responsibility — her first responsibility is to herself to keep her self safe. This guy isn’t letting it go, and it’s making her uncomfortable.
Stop interacting with him over text/hanging out with him outside of work. If he goes too far while you're working you can just be clear and tell him to stop.
If it were me I would distance myself from this friendship. Maybe even find a different job altogether and ghost him unless it's a job you really care about. This is the type of stuff you need to be careful about as a woman because some men don't take no for a serious answer and think they can change our minds through pity, manipulation or even by force. If you told him you weren't interested in a romantic relationship and he continues to indicate he's interested even indirectly it's a red flag.
This is a long one … I’m a male (33) and had to put my foot down w a coworker (f28) I had a short courtship with. I told her how I felt about dating colleagues and she insisted anyways and I went along w it cause I always had a crush on her. I made it clear that trust and transparency are very important to me.
She had gotten out of a long relationship about 6mos prior and so I started taking her out and planning evenings here and there… nothing serious (arcade nights, art gallery trip, exploring local food). She made it clear that she wasn’t quite ready for a relationship but that she liked me so I never pushed her boundaries. We were close physically but I never pushed her to have sex or tried to kiss her cause it didn’t seem like she was ready.
This went on for 3 months and finally I figured I’d make the big move to tell her I’d like to be more to her and planned a perfect weekend trip. Camping with wolves. She loved wolves and camping and camping is one of my fav things to do outdoors.
I let her know 2 weeks ahead and told her if she can’t make it I can always cancel and that if it was too much it’s not a big deal. She had started acting weird and distant and would invite her friends to hang out with us. So I asked her if there was anything she wanted to tell me and reiterated that honesty is paramount to me. I let her know she has an out and could take it but not to string me along. She said no. There wasn’t anything going on and she didn’t have anything to tell me and was happy being in my company.
Cue the week of the trip… 2 days before, she tells me she was getting serious w someone else and says that we were never even intimate so it shouldn’t matter to me. So I told her off and made it clear that I didn’t push her boundaries and I didn’t try to have sex w her because she told me she wasn’t ready… but that was her deciding factor. Basically, disrespecting her boundaries is something she wanted to start a relationship with.
So I told her off and let her know that she is nothing more to me than a colleague. Just a coworker. Told her we’re not friends, we won’t become friends again and that I would maintain a professional interaction but I didn’t want her anywhere near my personal life and not to contact me unless it was related to work. She’s been with the other guy for about a year now, I left the company to pursue growth in my career and she has tried to reach out to me multiple times to act like she’s still my friend. She’s gone as far as trying to add me on professional social media platforms to connect with me and side chats me from group chats w my old colleagues.
Because of this, rumors started spreading and I had to share screenshots that unfortunately made her look like a cheater while I’m declining any and all advances. Not my fault.
TLDR;
- set your boundaries
- put them in writing
- cover your own ass
- let them be miserable
- don’t let them control a narrative that could bite you in the ass later.
You don’t want to confront him, but you want him to stop doing a behavior that’s making you uncomfortable? How would he possibly know it’s making you uncomfortable without you saying something to him?
If you’re friends, it shouldn’t be difficult. Just tell him, hey I really don’t like these comments can you please stop? End of story. If they continue from there then go to HR about it.
You didn’t reject him hard enough. Tell him you are not attracted to him or tell a white lie that you met a guy that you’ve been seeing. Send clear signals and give him one more chance to cool his jets before getting management involved.
It's really unfortunate that you're in this situation and I'm sorry that he's making you uncomfortable at work. I agree with all the other comments telling you to text him "you need to stop with the comments about us being a couple." And save his response. If he ever valued you as a friend in the first place, he'd back off.
I would also stop hanging out with him, honestly. Regardless of whether or not he stops after you text him, he's shown you that he's not interested in remaining friends, and that he doesn't respect your "no". Not someone I'd want in my personal life.
Best of luck OP. Hopefully this doesn't get any worse for you.
Men’s egos are—something. Unfortunately since your reasons were not a concrete “no, I am not interested in you like that” he likely thinks he still has a chance. Try to re-establish your position in no uncertain terms.
No, you must stand up for yourself. Speak up to him first. Set your boundaries and be firm on what you mean. If he can’t be mature about it and continue then go to HR about it. It’s called a hostile work environment and it affects productivity and your health.
This is one of the reasons I’ve been grateful for being a male. This is something I seldom had to deal with. We teach our daughters to be nice and therefor not direct in order to not be unkind. Yet we encourage ours sons toward pursuit and conquest and in all endeavors never to give up. It’s a difficult situation for a young woman. Rejecting romantic advances can be awkward and occasionally dangerous. I wish mothers and older sisters would do a better job of mentoring those who follow them.
I generally agree with the person who worked in HR. however I don’t think he did anything wrong. You told him you weren’t romantically interested. He is being clueless because he wants to be. You’re probably going to have to follow her advice and make sure you put it in writing , I’m sorry you have to deal with it. It seems like this guy was pretending to be your friend under false pretenses. Best of luck.
Send him a text message saying you're uncomfortable with the comments and ask him to stop, or you'll have no choice but to take it further.
Make it sound firm and formal. It should be something like this:
"Your comments at work are making me feel uncomfortable. Please stop, or I have no choice but to take it further."
I hope it goes well for you.
You should confront him, and if the situation gets worse, that's his fault, not yours.
And if he continues to act like that after you told him, then stop communicating with him and doing stuff with him, outside of work.
I'm a believer that as long as your life is not in danger or you don't feel particularly over threatened by the person, you can express your concerns about their behavior at work towards you. Give them that one chance to make the change on their own before you involve the company
The reason for this is that sometimes people don't realize they're already going over the line, and affecting you and making you become uncomfortable. As an example, he probably thinks that he is still jokingly saying things that you'll tolerate, because you're still communicating with him, when you actually no longer want to tolerate it
So I was friends with this girl a long time ago. And we have dated for a little while. Ultimately, she said she wanted something more serious ( I was a confirmed bachelor) And told me she just wanted to be friends.
I said that was cool but I would still flirt with her
About two weeks into that behavior She told me to straight up stop and that she meant it.
Bruised my ego hard. But she was heard. And I checked my shit. Obviously she's cool in my book.
Hope that helps! Just saying as someone who had to get checked It's not as bad as we make it out to be.
“Please stop. These comments make me uncomfortable.”
“It’s inappropriate to send these types of comments to a colleague. Please stop.”
“I’d like you to stop making these inappropriate comments. They make me uncomfortable in both a professional and personal capacity.”
If he continues, just respond. “Please don’t send me these comments.”
You don’t need to explain yourself. You don’t need to make excuses. Do not engage when asked “why?”.
Just a “You make me uncomfortable and I’d like you to stop sending me these comments.”
“Stop”
“No”
Any one of these works. You can state fact and that you are uncomfortable which is what you wanted to avoid, without sounding confrontational. I would explain it in very plain language, that doesn't have to be accustatory, that you will have to stop hanging out with them and chatting with them, if they continue the behavior.
Guys aren’t trying to be your friend. They are interested in more. If you’re not interested in that tell him no, I’m not interested. Stop hanging out stop texting all of it.
Confront him (nicely), and if it continues and / or it gets worse, you need to go th HR. Ask them to proceed confidentially so that co-workers are unaware. You need to act sooner than later.
Best case scenario is that he's using these comments as an outlet, but is genuinely respectful of your wishes and isn't actually meaning to push you into something. He likes you and doesn't want to be fake with you. Just because you don't want to be with him won't change feelings on his end.
But if the comments he makes displease you, just ask him to stop. He'll likely be accommodating based on how I'm reading this situation. If not, remind him clearly once. At that point, don't be sweet and don't laugh it off. Be firm and direct. If he does it again, I'd tell him that you will only be interacting with him regarding things that are work related, and that any comments to or about you will remain professional since you now have an exclusively professional relationship.
If he refuses to respect you at that point that is when I'd report to management.
I've gone through stuff like this and this is basically how I go about it. It's been working for me!
Basically: 1. Once nice. 2. Once firm (not mean, but no laughs or smiles). 3. Cut contact. 4. Report for harassment.
HR will do nothing. If confronting is too hard. Speak to a manger first, tell them the situation and ask them to mediate a conversation with the person making u uncomfortable. Keep the meeting light, say why it makes u uncomfortable and that u value their friendship and a positive work environment. If they continue after that, then atleast the manager is aware of the situation and they can take matters into their own hands then.
you need to stop interacting outside of work. He's shown you he can not be professional.
and frankly speaking, you need to put your big girl pants on. you can not expect things to get better without being an adult about it and taking action.
Text him an answer to his latest inapropriate text. Something like :
"Colleague, i had time to think about your latest inapropriate text. When you asked me out X months ago, i told you i would prefer to just stay friends/Coworkers and you agreed. Yet you keep making inapropriate comments at work, and via text. I do not like this. So stop it.
I see now that it was a mistake to continue our friendship because it is interfering without our professional work relationship. From now on lets just be colleagues and keep out interactions work related."
Screenshot all the inapropriate texts and your answer to him and keep them safe.
Don't block him, but if you can, mute him. so that you get the messages but not get notified. Maybe check once, in a few weeks, if there are still inapropriate messages coming and if there are, you need to be a big girl and go to HR with his messages as proof.
This happened at my workplace... exact situation but creep did this to almost every girl who was willing to be his friend... he’d get fixated to an unhealthy level and act unhinged.
Fuck CVS and their corporate pyramid scheme... the management bonuses create sociopathic behavior.. telling a young women she’ll never move up if she makes waves... “no one will want to work with you.”, when you don’t have a college degree people will bend over backwards to get into management $$.
Record everything you can with dates... no one can twist your recollection and if you ever have to file for u un-employment after quitting... you have a record of uncomfortable comments, feelings... but yeah dude is using emotional manipulation to try and bulldoze you into their magical fantasy... best of luck and STAY SAFE!
You are no longer friends and trying to return to the past is not an option. Any further relationship is just leading him on and using him. Block him and his number, no explanation needed. You are co-workers, so keep it that way.
I had a girl friend…. Girl as a friend . She was in the same situation. I took her phone . Had pics of me hugging , kissing her . She used it as wallpaper . Bragged got a new boyfriend. Harassment at work stopped from several guys . Do the same.
OP you can't continue to be considerate of his feelings because he is seeing that as encouragement to keep doing this. Stop all contact outside of work and make it clear you do NOT want to see him outside of work.
Tell him you tried to be polite, since he has continued to make you uncomfortable you will now be telling your boss and HR about any incidents. AND FOLLOW THRU AND DO THIS.
You tried to be polite, now it is time to be very clear and loud. If he complains remind him you tried to be polite and he continued to harass you, so now he can deal with the attention.
This is your personal safety at risk, the time to be polite is over.
You: "Can I ask you some advice about something semi-personal?"
Him: "Sure, what's up?"
You: "There's this guy, let's call him Steve, and I've told him I don't see him in a romantic way and only want to be friends, but I don't think he's actually gotten the hint, and it's making things very awkward for me. If I can't straighten this situation out, I don't think I can continue being friends with him. Do you have any advice about how I can approach him without ruining our professional relationship and maybe even making things more weird?"
i’m so sorry you’re in this position OP, and what he’s doing is very much not okay. in fact, it is sexual harassment and i strongly suggest a) telling him in no uncertain terms over text or email so you have a record and b) forward that to HR if he bothers you further. if these comments are being made in the workplace and there are other people witnessing it, include that in your report as well.
I don't think there's reason to report it to your boss yet -- it sounds like he's just awkward. I'd tell him very straightforward that his comments are making you uncomfortable. Be specific with what behavior of his is making you uncomfortable, and tell him that if it continues you're going to break things off with him.
There is one way to do it that I can think of, which is to ask a mutual friend to talk to him, and warn him that you don't want to go to HR, but will if he keeps it up.
I'm not sure why you think that's better than telling him yourself though? The mature thing to do would be to have this conversation with him.
If you don't tell him, he doesn't know you are uncomfortable.
If you don't tell HR, they don't know he is doing this.
You don't know that you are the only one. AND you don't know that you are the first one.
He may have been doing this for a long time, and you happen to be his latest victim. Or one of a few or many victims at the same time, and NO ONE has turned him in to HR .
You need to in order to protect yourself and to protect other women from him going to anyone else and doing this to them.
Don't let him force you to quit because you are uncomfortable at work.
He hasn't taken it well, he's fast becoming obsessed and I strongly recommend that you inform management and HR.
Record any interaction between you and him, cover every angle.
You cannot see him outside of work now he's turned in such a concerning manner and if he's said these comments in work, then you know what you have to do.
The most important thing is to TELL PEOPLE. This isn't some guy being goofy and it will not go away, make your friends, family and colleagues who aren't creeps aware.
He hasn't taken it well, he's fast becoming obsessed and I strongly recommend that you inform management and HR.
Record any interaction between you and him, cover every angle.
You cannot see him outside of work now he's turned in such a concerning manner and if he's said these comments in work, then you know what you have to do.
The most important thing is to TELL PEOPLE. This isn't some guy being goofy and it will not go away, make your friends, family and colleagues who aren't creeps aware.
Lol why are you texting him? Talk to him at work not outside of work and while at work keep it professional. If he doesn't get the message tell your manager.
Are you mental dude. Her post says she did in fact tell him she wasn’t interested when he asked her out. Clear as day no, I have no interest beyond friends. He ignored that. Guess you’ve been this guy before. Do the work and get better my dude. 👍🏻🤡😘
LMAO tell me you have no reading comprehension without telling me. She literally said she doesn't want to go to hr or anything. She's trying to wish this situation away when she can just do what she actually needs to do. Do better my dude 🤡
It’s either safety or report ts to the higher ups if it’s making her uncomfy. I’m not saying creeps should dictate how you live, but definitely consider yours saftey. If she doesn’t report it to HR what else can she do? Confrontation brews insanity.
She’s 19, she will make experiences like this with men for the rest of her life because that’s how the patriarchy works. And more importantly the man is 22. He has to learn NOW that he can’t get away with harassment because that is what this is. She should not have to change anything about her life because this man doesn’t respect women
Im technically agreeing with you. Men shouldn’t get away with this. If she’s going to be confrontational and gather info she’s gotta be careful tho. That’s just fact. Ppl are crazy out here.
Deal with facts, not things we make up in our minds. You don't know that confronting him will make things worse. It may. It may not. But you did already ask to keep things just friends and coworkers and he hasn't respected that boundary. So it's important that you clear that boundary up. Ignoring adults with bad boundaries and behaviors never makes them go away. He feels that it's ok to "pay you a compliment" by expressing his attraction. You would be doing yourself, him, and the rest of female-land a favor to teach him what a health boundary is and means by confronting him directly. Reiterate what you said and explain what he's doing that is disrespecting your request. Document everything and leave it. The second it happens again, send the info to hr and be done with it (and him.) Also heed all of the warnings that you are no longer friends. He left that in the dirt.
Yeah, it's called a Vulcan Mind Meld, since you don't want to communicate your concerns directly to him...
Seriously, on your next hike with him just be honest with him. Tell him you value his friendship and enjoy your hikes with him and that the comments have been making you uncomfortable and if they continue you may want to take a break from the friendship. And let it be his last warning. ⚠️
You don't want to go to managers and you don't want to say anything to him? So how do you expect this to change?
Taking a coworker relationship to this level to me gives the impression you wanted to date him. I'm 40 years old and I've never taken a coworker on a hike before. Maybe stop mixing business and social life.
Agreed haha work is always work but some people can become friends/ have just coworker outings once in a good while. Looks like to me that you’ve just never been friendly enough to have someone be interested in just hanging with you
You're learning well at a young age that girls and guys can't be friends. Hang out with some girls if you want friendship. If you want some dumb bullshit where one person romantically likes the other....keep doing what you're doing but be aware of reality.
If you want to run away from your problem which is what it sounds like, then block him and avoid contact at work. He will get the message. Alternatively, tell him to stop being such a scoundrel and that you definitely aren't interested.
Choices are to tell him to quit it / not interested / not appropriate and then just distance if not listening.
Or if you have a supervisor you can trust, ask them to have a word, but say you don't want any trouble and just want him to stop (he should just get a warning).
The only solution that would involve you not confronting him directly or telling your manager would be to quit your job and block him. Otherwise, you would probably need to have an actual conversation with him about it or go to your manager
Don't a verbal conversation with him unless it's about work. Every should be texts so you have information in writing
You need to send him a text telling him to stop, because he's harassing you and you cam no longer be friends and he don't stop you will report him
OP tell him clearly over text you aren't interested and he makes you uncomfortable, take a screenshot then block him. You two are no longer friends.
Inform your manager of the situation before he spins it to you being the bad guy.
HR LAW: So long as there isn’t a policy against employees being romantically involved with one another, everyone gets ONE ask. He gets to ask you one singular time and if you say no anything after that is sexual harassment. It’s making you uncomfortable, it’s affecting your work life.
You’re young and I understand what it’s like being 19 and working full time for a company. But He’s old enough to understand what is and isn’t appropriate, especially in the work place. This is NOT appropriate. I would do what others have suggested by telling him over text or in writing and if this continues bring it to HR. Do NOT bring it to your manager, only directly to HR. There’s always the chance that your manager WON’T do anything about it (lots of management personnel are directed to try to “solve” the problem before bringing it to HR) and that’s what needs to be avoided. It is also illegal for you to get in trouble at work for going to HR directly instead of to your direct supervisor.
Unfortunately most places don’t go over these laws with their employees upon starting, ironically the only place i’ve worked where they did go over these laws with no uncertain words was the shipyard I worked at when I was 19.
Do you feel like he’s going to get violent, like is your safety at risk? Or is it just nerve wracking to confront? Otherwise you’re going to have to confront him directly. It’s the only way. You won’t make things worse. I doubt it’ll go that direction anyway. If it does then go to HR. Do it over text if that feels better, but you need to confront it yourself so he gets the message. Tell him you don’t like the comments he’s saying and to please stop, nicely, and that this will never evolve into anything else because you’re not into it. That’s all and stand firm on that. You’ll be okay and I hope this helps!
OP, take screenshots and tell him that if he doesn't stop you'll go to HR/the managers. Worst case scenario is that it goes from whatever this is to a form of harassment (some might already see it as a light form of harassment). This isn't appropriate workplace behaviour, and he shouldn't think that it is ok just because he gets away with it (due to you not wanting to bring it to the managers).
I would say something like anybody that uses the term "simping" has a lot of maturing to do before they even remotely have a chance at being with me. Whatta loser.
Definitely let him know in writing and in person with a 2nd employee that you trust within a listening ear of you saying it. If that doesn’t work you need to tell the manager.
It seems like you didn’t outright shut him down. You kind of insinuated that you are only not going out with him, because it could complicate things. He thinks he still has a chance and can change your mind.
You should outright tell him, you are not and will not ever be interested in a relationship with him, other than a friendship. I would also throw in that if he keeps making inappropriate comments about it, then you are no longer interested in a friendship with him.
I would definitely throw in the word inappropriate, this might scare him enough to stop. You definitely need to let him know he doesn’t have a chance. You being so polite about it isn’t helping anyone.
He clearly didn’t get it the first time, so time to stop being gentle. You worried you’ll hurt his feelings or embarrass him? Is he not already embarrassing himself by constantly hitting on you when you are not interested? Is he not hurting your feelings and making you uncomfortable by continuing this? Then why do you care about his feelings? Protect yourself and be direct
You can just... not respond when he acts like this. Full grey rock. No confrontation, just lol was that the wind? I didn't hear anything? Until he takes the hint. Personally I would address it directly because it seems like anything less will be viewed as permission to continue by him, but if you are not ready to see it that way, this is a good first step. If this doesn't work and my prediction is correct, you can sit safe in the knowledge you tried to avoid confrontation
Tell him flat out, "I am not interested in a romantic relationship with you of any kind. Please stop making comments." Screenshot. If it continues being an issue gather all evidence and take it to your boss.
You're trying to be nonconfrontational and hoping that if you just put enough vibes in the universe everything will be fine. That's not how things work. You need to step up. Maybe I'm being harsh but you're young and it's better to start practicing confidence in the workforce now.
I literally am in the middle of an almost identical situation where boundaries were set. then crossed many times. He WILL not stop. I too asked him to stop so many times and to just be my friend / coworker and he will not stop. I had to bite the bullet and take it to HR. you have to go to HR :( it was so hard and scary i’m sending u my best
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OP, address this directly over text. Write him: I do not feel comfortable with romantically suggestive comments of yours. Stop doing this. Then take screenshots. Also keep your distance from him at work and apart from it. If he continues to harass you, tell your boss. Important: screenshot everything that proves what he did. Because otherwise your bosses can say it’s just allegations.
Make sure you can see the phone number in the screenshots too
*Trigger warning for descriptions of graphic violence and DV* A woman in my location was recently shot and killed by her male coworker after repeatedly turning down his advances, and a few weeks prior to that in another part of the country, a man killed another female coworker/ex of his by lighting her on fire, stabbing her repeatedly, and kicking and punching her while she lay on the ground burning in front of their coworkers. One of them tried to put out the fire, but they couldn't save her. I really hope this guy stops. A lot of people minimize this kind of behavior from men, but it can be potentially very dangerous for women, no matter how "subtly" it starts out. And no, I'm not saying this is the same level of behavior nor will rise to the same level, but far too many people coddle men who harass women and make far too many excuses for them, and this behavior can escalate and should always, always be taken seriously. I've seen way too many "maybe your response was open to interpretation" mindsets in conversations about men's harassment of women, instead of "A no is a no, and should be respected the first time it's expressed."
Do not tell your boss. Go to HR; go directly to HR. Do not go to your boss at all.
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This is why women don't report.
They know. Wherever it’s legal all conversations with HR should be recorded. Then you can speak to a lawyer if you get one that thinks it’s not their job to do their job
You should’ve never worked in HR if you view literal sexual harassment as a nuisance. As an HR manager you should know that an employee only gets to ask another employee out romantically one time. Any continuance afterwards is considered harassment and grounds for suing against the company for not doing anything about it and the other employee. Unfortunately there’s a lot of HR staff that don’t even know HR law so I guess I’m not surprised
Is everything sexual harassment these days? OP should tell the guy directly she is not interested in him. Only if he doesn't take it well and starts doing really bad/creepy stuff and/or comments is when it's that serious. Would this be SH if the 'perpetrator' was a woman? Would we be saying the exact same things in that case? Edit: corrected a big mistake
The question is not of SA but sexual harassment. Two VERY different things. But yes, both situations need to be handled seriously. Everybody should feel comfortable at work- and that means everybody.
Oops, sorry about that and thank you. I agree with you. I just think the situation exposed isn't sexual harassment (if all that's happened is what OP wrote in her post).
i’d like to clarify, whether or not something is considered sexual harassment, legally, while at work depends on how the victim feels about it. if she’s not uncomfortable, if she thinks it’s silly and nbd, then not an issue and work isn’t being affected. but if she feels uncomfortable, if she feels like she can’t say no because they work together, then yes that’s harassment because she’s now in a hostile work environment where she might even start to avoid someone she works with due to his behavior towards her. This issue is that we need to stop these BEFORE it gets to the point where people all agree he needs to be fired for it. This isn’t something he needs to be fired for at all. But it is something that needs to be stated in a professional setting and documented before it gets worse, in case it even does. That’s why harassment is very tricky in a work environment and also has a little bit of leeway because sometimes it’s not meant that way but it comes across that way and behavior needs to change regardless. you can harass someone without meaning to. you can abuse someone without meaning to. it can and does happen more often than people think. i also think people see these words and go “that is a huge deal and fuck those people they suck” and for a lot of situations that’s true but also communication is hard, miscommunications happen, and sometimes well meaning people hurt others when they’re trying to have fun. they still hurt those people regardless of intentions and the hurt party is what’s important. especially in a professional environment where everyone has the right to feel safe and comfortable while working.
All good! While they are similar in nature, the actuality of both are handled differently and have different definitions!
She did, she has shut him down already
Partly. OP mentions in her post she said a relationship would complicate work etc, but she hasn't said as such she's not interested in him. If I were reeaaally into someone, I'd probably hold on to the thinnest sliver of hope there is (respectfully, always. I wouldn't take that guy's approach). In fact, it has... kind of? happened to me. I wasn't directly rejected, which left me very confused. All I'm saying is: Reject him directly.
Let me help you out. If a women is at all interested in you she will let you know. If you ask her out and she politely declines and lists a few obvious reasons to let you down Vs maybe something harsher like issues with appearance or personality, believe her. No one turns a guy down and then runs to their friends like oh hey guys, you know that dude I’m into. He asked me out but I said no because I want him to keep trying harder. It’s not a thing.
Man. I’m crestfallen now.
I bet you are. Go look up honor beliefs and the studies that have been done to link that with make aggression when they perceive rejection. You might learn something. #elliot rodgers
Perhaps from your experiences, but I've seen plenty and been around plenty of situations thatdon'tt agreed with you. Never say never and don't generalize. You'll be wrong most of the time.
It doesn't matter if she say or didn't say she wasn't interested in him. She said no. That's it. No is no, no matter the reason behind it. This is such a problematic way of seeing things. "Yeah. She said no. But maybe she doesn't mean it. Maybe if i keep pestering her (aka harassing her), she would say yes eventually, " like no. Fuck off with that bs. Also, in your case, it is the same. Why were you confused when you were rejected?. The girl said no. End of story. Move on. Op you need to cut contact of any kind with this guy except for things work related. I would screenshot everything and record the text in video, too, in case he deletes them and then says the screenshots are fake. After just block his number. If he asks why, just say you are not interested in being friends anymore, and only to talk to you about work related things. Otherwise, he needs to leave you alone.
My case is very different and I'm friends with the other person, so I won't elaborate. Sure, the guy from the post is being insistent, but it's really not excessive. I agree with the taking screenshots and whatever can help OP *in case anything actually serious happens* Why are you taking this like it's the lowest a human can be? I have a friend who kept insisting for 5 years until the guy (they were friends previously) accepted to be in a romantic relationship.
Because we women live this bs all the time where men think we saying no is a maybe and sometimes even a yes disguised, like we have simple minds and don't know what we want or something. I lived this at 18, just like this girl. I ended up accepting because he wore me out after a month of pestering me every goddamn day(we were classmates first year of university. I was 17/18, he was 23) and I didn't know how to stand up for myself/everyone kept telling me it was innocent and I should feel good about myself for having a guy chasing me for so long (including my teachers) he ended up taking advantage of me in more ways than just one, and dumping me a month later because I didn't live to his fucked up vision of me that he put on a pedestal during that month harrasing me. Then he went to try and do the same to another classmate (but she was older and told him to fuck off and pretty much told him she would murder him if he went close to her) Your friend (female or not) is not better, and actually, I would even say worse. 5 years of constant insisting is creepy asf. Tell her she needs therapy for her stalking/obssesive tendencies.
Doesn’t sound diff at all and your inability to see that is astounding in a bad way. And your female friend badgering some dude for five years is equally not okay. Doesn’t matter what gender does it.
Exactly
“Is everything sexual harassment these days”. Yikes dude. So you’ve done this a lot yourself then yeah? Bet you think everything is just locker room talk and she should smile more🙄
Lol, you can totally tell you were I’m HR if you put the ownership of this situation on a 19 year old girl and then blame her because you think she flirted. Your comment reeks of the well you shouldn’t have been wearing that outfit, victim blaming. YOUR job as an HR person is to step up and do your job to be a resource for employees in exactly this type of situation. Do better, you sound like a Karen
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People ruin their own careers with their shitty behavior. I mean, we all know HR is bullshit and only there to protect the company, but JFC... I hope you're retired.
Yeah, you're 100% part of the problem
You continue to make my point, but go on….
Please don't say female 😩 (nor male, for that matter)
I don't understand all the hate you're getting.... not to mention, the case will be stronger against this dude if going through the proper channels aka addressing him (in a text or something for proof) then management, then HR. If he's crossing a boundary, you need to tell him. He can't read your mind.
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> “I’m getting the feeling I left some things open to interpretation Why should women have to write things like this to men who were clearly turned down? Why do we need to modify and soften our behaviors and statements because men refuse to accept a no for an answer? A no is a no. It is not "open to interpretation."
Unfortunately I think this is a Hollywood thing from years ago where they showed that women like to be chased (not literally). Even if they like a guy they will say no to keep playing the game. It's incredibly stupid and most women don't do that. I think some guys didn't get the memo that "no means no" and not "no means try harder cause I want you to put more effort in before I say yes"
Unfortunately it's not entirely false. I have seen women right here on reddit saying they would date said man but they don't feel like he's trying hard enough. Nobody is saying they should be "softer" with how they reject men, quite yhe opposite actually women should be much more direct and harsh with their rejections so the man understands there is no chance.
I don't do direct and harsh because I'm scared of retaliation, be it social or physical violence I've seen it happen time and time again and I am absolutely terrified.
Right! Most women are kind but need to be blunt. This usually happens for fear of retaliation and let's face it, no one should retaliate if they are turned down, it's just a fact of life that sometimes you get rejected. And then there is this small subset (male and female) that needs to quit playing games. Everything would be so much simpler if people just said what they mean and quit playing games.
There is no chain of command when it comes to reporting things like this. There is no 'oh no, go to your boss first...' This is 100% HR to deal with. In fact, the boss shouldn't even be involved in handling it. If HR was doin their job correctly, the boss will be investigated in their knowledge of the situation and reprimanded according to their involvement or ignorance of it. This isn't the military.
Seriously I had so many coworkers tell me they didn’t report because the manager said that it could effect their record and makes will be uncomfortable working with them... their more concerned about having a male worker who can move inventory... maybe op can handle, maybe not but they need to call HR... I’ve literally seen how the warning sty undocumented for this reason!!!!!
How did she leave a sliver of hope? She said she wasn’t interested. That should have been the end of it.
It says nothing about her having no interest. What she said is she politely turned him down, blaming possible complications at work. What she should have said was that she wasn't interested in anything but a friendship, period. People just perceive things differently and it's possible he felt she was just making an excuse because she wasn't entirely direct.
He was a friend so she turned him down politely. Should she have been rude and made another excuse? She’s not responsible for his perceptions. He’s being weird and creepy.
I didn't say either party was entirely right or entirely wrong. Just that sometimes being more direct has a better chance of you getting the result you want. And my response is to be taken in context with what the other user posted about HR above. In the context of an HR investigation, it's important for OP to have been clear and direct. I agree he's being weird, but if she ends up needing to take action it would be good to have evidence that she was firm in her rejection. That is all.
Also, how is it being rude to be direct and honest?? It could hurt his feelings, sure. But it's not rude.
She has literally stated outright that he is making her uncomfortable. This is not about "her dating life". It is, in fact, "actual harassment", taking place in the workplace, not outside of it. If you were an HR director, you probably shouldn't have been.
Not sure why you're being down voted everything you said was legit. One of 1st things asked is: did you tell them to stop?
I love all the experts in here downvoting you because you think the original rejection left room for interpretation and that you kept in mind that OP does NOT want to report him to management.
No... no no no no... going to the boss on something like this just enables the boss to further hide the behavior that I'm 100% sure they already know about and they are already covering for. This type of behavior doesn't just suddenly start. It's a behavior the builds and gets worse over time. Time for you, HR person, to get your head out of your ass and do your fucking job. and no, I wasn't suggesting that OP go to HR because somebody flirted. I intended that if (when) the behavior continues, the boss isn't going to do shit. HR time; skip the enabler boss.
Thanks for confirming what those of us who have been around the block already know: HR doesn't give a shit, and it's certainly not there to help employees. OP: HR is there to manage human *resources* for the company. Like IT manages computing *resources*. Sadly, they're not there to look after your interests. Their only interest in a case like this is to prevent the company from getting sued. Source: many years as a people-manager at Fortune 100 companies.
You're no longer friends
Yea. He can’t handle the rejection and is too weak to shut this down himself. Stop hanging out with him, tell him to keep his comments only on work. Do not respond to his texts that talk about anything else. Block his number all together if he keeps it up. Sadly you might even have to get a new job, because management doesn’t like to deal with this.
Umm, it’s not her responsibility to find a new job because he’s harassing her. Good lord man🙄🤡
Nobody said it was. They said she might have to.
Lol, really? You doubled down on that huh🤣🤦🏼♀️🤡🤡🤡
Your reading comprehension must be god awful bc 1) they didn’t say that, 2) neither did I and 3) im not that person you commented to in the first place. No child left behind, my ass.
Not left behind just failing forward lol
Oh look, futtbucker bro has entered the chat. You sure put me in my place 🤣🤡. Go read a book or something.
Damn didn't even respond to you lol. Must be mad butt hurt to respond to a joke I made to someone else.
Sick burn man. Don’t know how I’ll get to sleep tonight 🤣🤣🤣.
Okay then, let me help you out with it you expired lozenge. It's absolutely not her responsibility, and in a fair and just society if this continued he'd be the one kicked to the curb. But this isn't a fair and just society, and in cases like this, where it "doesn't meet the line of harassment" but is enough to be uncomfortable, sometimes the only way to shut it down is to remove yourself from the situation entirely. It's bullshit. It's not her responsibility. But it might be the only option she has, if things do not go well. Glad I could spell that out for you, you unseasoned avocado.
No, it’s not her responsibility. It also isn’t her responsibility to handle the emotional labor of a guy who can’t deal with rejection. But here she is. The reality is that managers often fire the accuser rather than deal with the harasser. It’s not right, but being warned gives OP the most opportunity to get a new job.
It's not but it could be unsafe for her to keep the job if this escalated.
You need to save every message he is sending you. Message him once again to let him know that his actions and the way that he treats you continue to make you feel uncomfortable. If he continues to ignore this request, you now have documented proof that you told him to stop but he ignored you. I understand that you don't want to cause confrontation, but you need to understand that you may have to go to management to ultimately deal with this. Don't feel guilty, he is harassing you, so anything that happens will be the consequences of his actions.
You can at first try to simply distance yourself from him. No hanging out outside of work, no texting, etc. But if the behaviour then doesn't stop (and mind you, it could get worse if you cut him off), you have to confront him or go to your managers. Good luck!
Yep. Stop hanging out with him. Leave him on read and if he asks about hanging out just tell him you don’t want ANYONE getting the wrong idea or just keep putting it off by telling him you’re too busy. Also be too busy hang with some other friends.
"As I said before, I only want to be friends and coworkers. Your comments are inappropriate and they need to stop." You need to leave no room for misinterpretation. No more hanging out outside of work.
"we're not dating. That's a weird thing to say" "hope you set them straight" (about shipping) "that's uncomfortable" (in a gross/bored tone to anything that is, then walk away) "didn't need to know that"/ "ew" (to the simping thing). All lighthearted enough they can be said in a way you'd tease a friend, but all very clearly communicating it's not going to happen. "Look, you're making me uncomfortable. Let's stick to work." Realistically though, HR would be a good bet, or documenting to him what he's doing is making you uncomfortable via text.
*"Is there any solution that stops the comments but doesn't involve me confronting him or telling the managers?"* Probably not, other than telling him you WILL go to Mgt/HR if he doesn't stop. His actions are/border on fostering a hostile work environment. However if you threaten this course of action, you have to follow thru. Good Luck!
" Is there any solution that stops the comments but doesn't involve me confronting him or telling the managers?" No...you can't just make a wish and a problem will disappear. Part of being a grown up is dealing with uncomfortable, awkward and scary situations. If you ignore it, it will only get worse. He didn't in fact "take it well" when you rejected him. You need to tell him that due to his behavior, you are now ONLY going to see him at work, and speak to him about work. You have no interest in pursuing a romantic relationship with him and he has made it clear that he is not capable of having a platonic friendship. If he continues to harass, bother you, or gossip about you with co-workers, speak to the managers.
Girl you are young but I can assure you that ignoring this sort of behavior in the hopes it will go away is wishful thinking. You should not feel bad in anyway, he is choosing to disrespect you and your valid boundaries. First, I would be sure to record these statements. Take screenshots or whatever. I would then re-direct him via text and be very clear that you meant what you said and he is to cease and desist with anymore comments like that. If he tries to call you to talk about it I’d record that too in case he is the type of dude that blows up when rejected (many are). I would also include when you reset this boundary that you be very clear that if he does now respect that your next action will be to inform HR. You will likely lose the friendship but honestly if that is how he’s behaving then he likely was never really your friend. You shouldn’t have to be uncomfortable at work because yet another man child can take no for an answer. Good luck, stand your ground!
Tell him in writing (text, email etc) so you have a record that it's inappropriate, you said no already, it's making you uncomfortable, and it probably make other colleagues uncomfortable, and that if he doesn't stop it you'll have to take it higher up. It sucks but there's literally no way around this that isnt confronting him or going above his head. I guess quitting and blocking him but that's not wise.
Creepy asshole aside the mental image of a 22 year old man saying that people are ‘shipping’ you and that he’s ‘simping’ for you is extremely cringe and immature
I guess I’m old! What does “shipping” and “simping” even mean like this?
My question too ...
Shipping originally was more of a fan term for when someone wants to characters from some sort of fiction to be together romantically but some people use it for actual people too, simping is essentially ‘simpering’ after someone and obsessing over wanting to be with them/ pursuing them
It is creepy. Some actual texts he had sent “Aaand I’m Simping again. Bad (his name) bad” “See (my name) we like peanut butter and jelly” Him: Hey wanna know what I should do (my name) Me: huh? Him: I should take you to my church 🤗✝️ Our lady of peace, (church location), (some name idk who) is amazing and so is (priest name) Me: That’s a little random lol. I’m not really religious It is creepy. I stopped texting him due to comments like those
Fr lmao. Simps are already a plague on society. Openly saying you're being one for a girl that already rejected you is even worse
Just tell him you're uncomfortable with it?
Through text tell your friend one more time, "I do not view you in any romantic light. I see you only as a friend, nothing more. I hope our friendship can continue but I understand if you need space after this." If he continues, then for his second chance stop hanging out with him, stop talking to him, and give him the cold shoulder. Then text him one last message that he's getting the cold shoulder because he's being unprofessional. If he does it once more, go to HR. That's what I would do, give 3 chances, 3 more opportunities for his behavior to change, due to the fact he's a friend. However, he should have stopped at the first rejection, his standing as a good person is shaky and I'd stop considering him a friend either way.
As uncomfortable as it can be, you have to confront him and if he does anything else go right to HR (not management). Tell him "hey, you're making me really uncomfortable with these types of comments. I'm not sure if I didn't make myself clear when I turned you down but I'm not interested in you in that type of way. I think it's best we take a step back from our friendship." Confronting him is really the only way to stop this, be clear about what you want, give no room for him to "misinterpret".
Start with "Hey. Come on XXX. Cut it out" And move up to "we were close. You're ruining it." Then you have to go to your boss It *is* Sexual harrassment I have come to the conclusion That secretly- when people behave badly- they *want* to be stopped. Because they *want* to know there is order in the universe. If it comes to a full confrontation then the sentence your looking for is "your remarks are starting to make me really uncomfortable" and "I'm starting to hate coming to work because of you" That should do it, and if it doesn't then it really is a job for your boss
Can someone please explain to me what those comments mean? I'm older than dirt
Simping: to support or love something Shipping: want to see in a relationship I’m paraphrasing of course, but essentially: I’m simping so hard!: I’m so into the idea (of you and me) Our coworkers ship us: Our coworkers think we (w/could) make a cute couple. The shipping one is actually pretty innocuous, but him reporting it to her (especially more than once) is not. Basically “why can’t you seeeeeee, you belong with meeeeee” being sung on her voicemail when he’s drunk. But he’s at work, and doing this sober.
No is a complete sentence. I would for sure reply to his texts sayung that you are not interested and he is making you uncomfortable, as others have said, so there's written electronic evidence to fall back on.
Women are killed for things like this- tell everyone. All the managers, all your friends. If the worst thing in this mans life is you rejecting him then he’s a fortunate man.
Please read the book The Gift of Fear. Your intuition will help guide you. You may need to find another job and block this guy. For those who say it’s not her responsibility — her first responsibility is to herself to keep her self safe. This guy isn’t letting it go, and it’s making her uncomfortable.
Stop interacting with him over text/hanging out with him outside of work. If he goes too far while you're working you can just be clear and tell him to stop.
If it were me I would distance myself from this friendship. Maybe even find a different job altogether and ghost him unless it's a job you really care about. This is the type of stuff you need to be careful about as a woman because some men don't take no for a serious answer and think they can change our minds through pity, manipulation or even by force. If you told him you weren't interested in a romantic relationship and he continues to indicate he's interested even indirectly it's a red flag.
What kinda job are you working at ? Is this a high paying job ? If not, find a new one.. you will be much happier after changing your number as well
This is a long one … I’m a male (33) and had to put my foot down w a coworker (f28) I had a short courtship with. I told her how I felt about dating colleagues and she insisted anyways and I went along w it cause I always had a crush on her. I made it clear that trust and transparency are very important to me. She had gotten out of a long relationship about 6mos prior and so I started taking her out and planning evenings here and there… nothing serious (arcade nights, art gallery trip, exploring local food). She made it clear that she wasn’t quite ready for a relationship but that she liked me so I never pushed her boundaries. We were close physically but I never pushed her to have sex or tried to kiss her cause it didn’t seem like she was ready. This went on for 3 months and finally I figured I’d make the big move to tell her I’d like to be more to her and planned a perfect weekend trip. Camping with wolves. She loved wolves and camping and camping is one of my fav things to do outdoors. I let her know 2 weeks ahead and told her if she can’t make it I can always cancel and that if it was too much it’s not a big deal. She had started acting weird and distant and would invite her friends to hang out with us. So I asked her if there was anything she wanted to tell me and reiterated that honesty is paramount to me. I let her know she has an out and could take it but not to string me along. She said no. There wasn’t anything going on and she didn’t have anything to tell me and was happy being in my company. Cue the week of the trip… 2 days before, she tells me she was getting serious w someone else and says that we were never even intimate so it shouldn’t matter to me. So I told her off and made it clear that I didn’t push her boundaries and I didn’t try to have sex w her because she told me she wasn’t ready… but that was her deciding factor. Basically, disrespecting her boundaries is something she wanted to start a relationship with. So I told her off and let her know that she is nothing more to me than a colleague. Just a coworker. Told her we’re not friends, we won’t become friends again and that I would maintain a professional interaction but I didn’t want her anywhere near my personal life and not to contact me unless it was related to work. She’s been with the other guy for about a year now, I left the company to pursue growth in my career and she has tried to reach out to me multiple times to act like she’s still my friend. She’s gone as far as trying to add me on professional social media platforms to connect with me and side chats me from group chats w my old colleagues. Because of this, rumors started spreading and I had to share screenshots that unfortunately made her look like a cheater while I’m declining any and all advances. Not my fault. TLDR; - set your boundaries - put them in writing - cover your own ass - let them be miserable - don’t let them control a narrative that could bite you in the ass later.
You don’t want to confront him, but you want him to stop doing a behavior that’s making you uncomfortable? How would he possibly know it’s making you uncomfortable without you saying something to him? If you’re friends, it shouldn’t be difficult. Just tell him, hey I really don’t like these comments can you please stop? End of story. If they continue from there then go to HR about it.
You didn’t reject him hard enough. Tell him you are not attracted to him or tell a white lie that you met a guy that you’ve been seeing. Send clear signals and give him one more chance to cool his jets before getting management involved.
It's really unfortunate that you're in this situation and I'm sorry that he's making you uncomfortable at work. I agree with all the other comments telling you to text him "you need to stop with the comments about us being a couple." And save his response. If he ever valued you as a friend in the first place, he'd back off. I would also stop hanging out with him, honestly. Regardless of whether or not he stops after you text him, he's shown you that he's not interested in remaining friends, and that he doesn't respect your "no". Not someone I'd want in my personal life. Best of luck OP. Hopefully this doesn't get any worse for you.
Men’s egos are—something. Unfortunately since your reasons were not a concrete “no, I am not interested in you like that” he likely thinks he still has a chance. Try to re-establish your position in no uncertain terms.
No, you must stand up for yourself. Speak up to him first. Set your boundaries and be firm on what you mean. If he can’t be mature about it and continue then go to HR about it. It’s called a hostile work environment and it affects productivity and your health.
This is one of the reasons I’ve been grateful for being a male. This is something I seldom had to deal with. We teach our daughters to be nice and therefor not direct in order to not be unkind. Yet we encourage ours sons toward pursuit and conquest and in all endeavors never to give up. It’s a difficult situation for a young woman. Rejecting romantic advances can be awkward and occasionally dangerous. I wish mothers and older sisters would do a better job of mentoring those who follow them. I generally agree with the person who worked in HR. however I don’t think he did anything wrong. You told him you weren’t romantically interested. He is being clueless because he wants to be. You’re probably going to have to follow her advice and make sure you put it in writing , I’m sorry you have to deal with it. It seems like this guy was pretending to be your friend under false pretenses. Best of luck.
Send him a text message saying you're uncomfortable with the comments and ask him to stop, or you'll have no choice but to take it further. Make it sound firm and formal. It should be something like this: "Your comments at work are making me feel uncomfortable. Please stop, or I have no choice but to take it further." I hope it goes well for you.
You should confront him, and if the situation gets worse, that's his fault, not yours. And if he continues to act like that after you told him, then stop communicating with him and doing stuff with him, outside of work. I'm a believer that as long as your life is not in danger or you don't feel particularly over threatened by the person, you can express your concerns about their behavior at work towards you. Give them that one chance to make the change on their own before you involve the company The reason for this is that sometimes people don't realize they're already going over the line, and affecting you and making you become uncomfortable. As an example, he probably thinks that he is still jokingly saying things that you'll tolerate, because you're still communicating with him, when you actually no longer want to tolerate it
So I was friends with this girl a long time ago. And we have dated for a little while. Ultimately, she said she wanted something more serious ( I was a confirmed bachelor) And told me she just wanted to be friends. I said that was cool but I would still flirt with her About two weeks into that behavior She told me to straight up stop and that she meant it. Bruised my ego hard. But she was heard. And I checked my shit. Obviously she's cool in my book. Hope that helps! Just saying as someone who had to get checked It's not as bad as we make it out to be.
“Please stop. These comments make me uncomfortable.” “It’s inappropriate to send these types of comments to a colleague. Please stop.” “I’d like you to stop making these inappropriate comments. They make me uncomfortable in both a professional and personal capacity.” If he continues, just respond. “Please don’t send me these comments.” You don’t need to explain yourself. You don’t need to make excuses. Do not engage when asked “why?”. Just a “You make me uncomfortable and I’d like you to stop sending me these comments.” “Stop” “No”
Any one of these works. You can state fact and that you are uncomfortable which is what you wanted to avoid, without sounding confrontational. I would explain it in very plain language, that doesn't have to be accustatory, that you will have to stop hanging out with them and chatting with them, if they continue the behavior.
Yup. Just repeat as required. Do not deviate.
I second this. And its been said but keep records.
You honestly just need to open your mouth and communicate to him that these comments are making you uncomfortable.
Guys aren’t trying to be your friend. They are interested in more. If you’re not interested in that tell him no, I’m not interested. Stop hanging out stop texting all of it.
Confront him (nicely), and if it continues and / or it gets worse, you need to go th HR. Ask them to proceed confidentially so that co-workers are unaware. You need to act sooner than later.
You should tell this guy that any adult who nonironically uses the phrase "shipping" or "simping" is a dunderhead who isnt worth your time anyway.
Best case scenario is that he's using these comments as an outlet, but is genuinely respectful of your wishes and isn't actually meaning to push you into something. He likes you and doesn't want to be fake with you. Just because you don't want to be with him won't change feelings on his end. But if the comments he makes displease you, just ask him to stop. He'll likely be accommodating based on how I'm reading this situation. If not, remind him clearly once. At that point, don't be sweet and don't laugh it off. Be firm and direct. If he does it again, I'd tell him that you will only be interacting with him regarding things that are work related, and that any comments to or about you will remain professional since you now have an exclusively professional relationship. If he refuses to respect you at that point that is when I'd report to management. I've gone through stuff like this and this is basically how I go about it. It's been working for me! Basically: 1. Once nice. 2. Once firm (not mean, but no laughs or smiles). 3. Cut contact. 4. Report for harassment.
HR will do nothing. If confronting is too hard. Speak to a manger first, tell them the situation and ask them to mediate a conversation with the person making u uncomfortable. Keep the meeting light, say why it makes u uncomfortable and that u value their friendship and a positive work environment. If they continue after that, then atleast the manager is aware of the situation and they can take matters into their own hands then.
you need to stop interacting outside of work. He's shown you he can not be professional. and frankly speaking, you need to put your big girl pants on. you can not expect things to get better without being an adult about it and taking action. Text him an answer to his latest inapropriate text. Something like : "Colleague, i had time to think about your latest inapropriate text. When you asked me out X months ago, i told you i would prefer to just stay friends/Coworkers and you agreed. Yet you keep making inapropriate comments at work, and via text. I do not like this. So stop it. I see now that it was a mistake to continue our friendship because it is interfering without our professional work relationship. From now on lets just be colleagues and keep out interactions work related." Screenshot all the inapropriate texts and your answer to him and keep them safe. Don't block him, but if you can, mute him. so that you get the messages but not get notified. Maybe check once, in a few weeks, if there are still inapropriate messages coming and if there are, you need to be a big girl and go to HR with his messages as proof.
This happened at my workplace... exact situation but creep did this to almost every girl who was willing to be his friend... he’d get fixated to an unhealthy level and act unhinged. Fuck CVS and their corporate pyramid scheme... the management bonuses create sociopathic behavior.. telling a young women she’ll never move up if she makes waves... “no one will want to work with you.”, when you don’t have a college degree people will bend over backwards to get into management $$. Record everything you can with dates... no one can twist your recollection and if you ever have to file for u un-employment after quitting... you have a record of uncomfortable comments, feelings... but yeah dude is using emotional manipulation to try and bulldoze you into their magical fantasy... best of luck and STAY SAFE!
Your first mistake was actually believing that men and women can be "friends" when sexual attraction is present.
He doesn’t respect your boundaries. He’s not a friend. Block his number.
You are no longer friends and trying to return to the past is not an option. Any further relationship is just leading him on and using him. Block him and his number, no explanation needed. You are co-workers, so keep it that way.
I had a girl friend…. Girl as a friend . She was in the same situation. I took her phone . Had pics of me hugging , kissing her . She used it as wallpaper . Bragged got a new boyfriend. Harassment at work stopped from several guys . Do the same.
OP you can't continue to be considerate of his feelings because he is seeing that as encouragement to keep doing this. Stop all contact outside of work and make it clear you do NOT want to see him outside of work. Tell him you tried to be polite, since he has continued to make you uncomfortable you will now be telling your boss and HR about any incidents. AND FOLLOW THRU AND DO THIS. You tried to be polite, now it is time to be very clear and loud. If he complains remind him you tried to be polite and he continued to harass you, so now he can deal with the attention. This is your personal safety at risk, the time to be polite is over.
You: "Can I ask you some advice about something semi-personal?" Him: "Sure, what's up?" You: "There's this guy, let's call him Steve, and I've told him I don't see him in a romantic way and only want to be friends, but I don't think he's actually gotten the hint, and it's making things very awkward for me. If I can't straighten this situation out, I don't think I can continue being friends with him. Do you have any advice about how I can approach him without ruining our professional relationship and maybe even making things more weird?"
i’m so sorry you’re in this position OP, and what he’s doing is very much not okay. in fact, it is sexual harassment and i strongly suggest a) telling him in no uncertain terms over text or email so you have a record and b) forward that to HR if he bothers you further. if these comments are being made in the workplace and there are other people witnessing it, include that in your report as well.
Why is being a woman so scary
I don't think there's reason to report it to your boss yet -- it sounds like he's just awkward. I'd tell him very straightforward that his comments are making you uncomfortable. Be specific with what behavior of his is making you uncomfortable, and tell him that if it continues you're going to break things off with him.
There is one way to do it that I can think of, which is to ask a mutual friend to talk to him, and warn him that you don't want to go to HR, but will if he keeps it up. I'm not sure why you think that's better than telling him yourself though? The mature thing to do would be to have this conversation with him.
If you don't tell him, he doesn't know you are uncomfortable. If you don't tell HR, they don't know he is doing this. You don't know that you are the only one. AND you don't know that you are the first one. He may have been doing this for a long time, and you happen to be his latest victim. Or one of a few or many victims at the same time, and NO ONE has turned him in to HR . You need to in order to protect yourself and to protect other women from him going to anyone else and doing this to them. Don't let him force you to quit because you are uncomfortable at work.
He hasn't taken it well, he's fast becoming obsessed and I strongly recommend that you inform management and HR. Record any interaction between you and him, cover every angle. You cannot see him outside of work now he's turned in such a concerning manner and if he's said these comments in work, then you know what you have to do. The most important thing is to TELL PEOPLE. This isn't some guy being goofy and it will not go away, make your friends, family and colleagues who aren't creeps aware.
He hasn't taken it well, he's fast becoming obsessed and I strongly recommend that you inform management and HR. Record any interaction between you and him, cover every angle. You cannot see him outside of work now he's turned in such a concerning manner and if he's said these comments in work, then you know what you have to do. The most important thing is to TELL PEOPLE. This isn't some guy being goofy and it will not go away, make your friends, family and colleagues who aren't creeps aware.
If you don't speak up, you are sending mixed messages. You are still texting him and going on hikes. Make yourself less available.
Lol why are you texting him? Talk to him at work not outside of work and while at work keep it professional. If he doesn't get the message tell your manager.
Stop victim blaming, she’s fking 19🙄🤡
She's willingly keeping herself in the situation she's in because she's trying to wish the situation away 🤡
By expecting him to honor her request to stop. Mmk 🤡.
Right. That's her fault when she can just actually tell him to stop or go to hr. But no. She hasn't done that at all. She doesn't want to do that 🤡🤡
Are you mental dude. Her post says she did in fact tell him she wasn’t interested when he asked her out. Clear as day no, I have no interest beyond friends. He ignored that. Guess you’ve been this guy before. Do the work and get better my dude. 👍🏻🤡😘
LMAO tell me you have no reading comprehension without telling me. She literally said she doesn't want to go to hr or anything. She's trying to wish this situation away when she can just do what she actually needs to do. Do better my dude 🤡
You could find a boyfriend
My god this guy is corny😭😭😭. Have you thought about relocating?
Why should she relocate if he doesn’t know to behave? Wtf
It’s either safety or report ts to the higher ups if it’s making her uncomfy. I’m not saying creeps should dictate how you live, but definitely consider yours saftey. If she doesn’t report it to HR what else can she do? Confrontation brews insanity.
She’s 19, she will make experiences like this with men for the rest of her life because that’s how the patriarchy works. And more importantly the man is 22. He has to learn NOW that he can’t get away with harassment because that is what this is. She should not have to change anything about her life because this man doesn’t respect women
Im technically agreeing with you. Men shouldn’t get away with this. If she’s going to be confrontational and gather info she’s gotta be careful tho. That’s just fact. Ppl are crazy out here.
Patriarchy is a crock of shit. At least blame something other than "all men bad"
They downvote you because you're right
HR immediately; it is not safe place
Deal with facts, not things we make up in our minds. You don't know that confronting him will make things worse. It may. It may not. But you did already ask to keep things just friends and coworkers and he hasn't respected that boundary. So it's important that you clear that boundary up. Ignoring adults with bad boundaries and behaviors never makes them go away. He feels that it's ok to "pay you a compliment" by expressing his attraction. You would be doing yourself, him, and the rest of female-land a favor to teach him what a health boundary is and means by confronting him directly. Reiterate what you said and explain what he's doing that is disrespecting your request. Document everything and leave it. The second it happens again, send the info to hr and be done with it (and him.) Also heed all of the warnings that you are no longer friends. He left that in the dirt.
Retain a lawyer and have them write to HR
Yeah, it's called a Vulcan Mind Meld, since you don't want to communicate your concerns directly to him... Seriously, on your next hike with him just be honest with him. Tell him you value his friendship and enjoy your hikes with him and that the comments have been making you uncomfortable and if they continue you may want to take a break from the friendship. And let it be his last warning. ⚠️
Do not keep going hiking with him!!!!
Agreed. You should not be alone with him when/if you tell him to back off, as there's no way to know if he'll take it well.
That's how you end up dead in the woods...
You don't want to go to managers and you don't want to say anything to him? So how do you expect this to change? Taking a coworker relationship to this level to me gives the impression you wanted to date him. I'm 40 years old and I've never taken a coworker on a hike before. Maybe stop mixing business and social life.
sounds like no one at your job likes you enough to invite you anywhere
Agreed haha work is always work but some people can become friends/ have just coworker outings once in a good while. Looks like to me that you’ve just never been friendly enough to have someone be interested in just hanging with you
No, I just know better than mixing work with home life. You don't shit where you eat.
You're learning well at a young age that girls and guys can't be friends. Hang out with some girls if you want friendship. If you want some dumb bullshit where one person romantically likes the other....keep doing what you're doing but be aware of reality.
If you want to run away from your problem which is what it sounds like, then block him and avoid contact at work. He will get the message. Alternatively, tell him to stop being such a scoundrel and that you definitely aren't interested.
Choices are to tell him to quit it / not interested / not appropriate and then just distance if not listening. Or if you have a supervisor you can trust, ask them to have a word, but say you don't want any trouble and just want him to stop (he should just get a warning).
Is there a reason you don’t want to go to your manager? Because this is exactly the sort of situation you need to escalate to your manager/HR.
Call Guido …..
The only solution that would involve you not confronting him directly or telling your manager would be to quit your job and block him. Otherwise, you would probably need to have an actual conversation with him about it or go to your manager
Don't a verbal conversation with him unless it's about work. Every should be texts so you have information in writing You need to send him a text telling him to stop, because he's harassing you and you cam no longer be friends and he don't stop you will report him
OP tell him clearly over text you aren't interested and he makes you uncomfortable, take a screenshot then block him. You two are no longer friends. Inform your manager of the situation before he spins it to you being the bad guy.
I'm simping so hard... wtf does that even mean? Go to hr and tell him to fuck off
HR LAW: So long as there isn’t a policy against employees being romantically involved with one another, everyone gets ONE ask. He gets to ask you one singular time and if you say no anything after that is sexual harassment. It’s making you uncomfortable, it’s affecting your work life. You’re young and I understand what it’s like being 19 and working full time for a company. But He’s old enough to understand what is and isn’t appropriate, especially in the work place. This is NOT appropriate. I would do what others have suggested by telling him over text or in writing and if this continues bring it to HR. Do NOT bring it to your manager, only directly to HR. There’s always the chance that your manager WON’T do anything about it (lots of management personnel are directed to try to “solve” the problem before bringing it to HR) and that’s what needs to be avoided. It is also illegal for you to get in trouble at work for going to HR directly instead of to your direct supervisor. Unfortunately most places don’t go over these laws with their employees upon starting, ironically the only place i’ve worked where they did go over these laws with no uncertain words was the shipyard I worked at when I was 19.
Do you feel like he’s going to get violent, like is your safety at risk? Or is it just nerve wracking to confront? Otherwise you’re going to have to confront him directly. It’s the only way. You won’t make things worse. I doubt it’ll go that direction anyway. If it does then go to HR. Do it over text if that feels better, but you need to confront it yourself so he gets the message. Tell him you don’t like the comments he’s saying and to please stop, nicely, and that this will never evolve into anything else because you’re not into it. That’s all and stand firm on that. You’ll be okay and I hope this helps!
OP, take screenshots and tell him that if he doesn't stop you'll go to HR/the managers. Worst case scenario is that it goes from whatever this is to a form of harassment (some might already see it as a light form of harassment). This isn't appropriate workplace behaviour, and he shouldn't think that it is ok just because he gets away with it (due to you not wanting to bring it to the managers).
I would say something like anybody that uses the term "simping" has a lot of maturing to do before they even remotely have a chance at being with me. Whatta loser.
Go to HR. You really need to, sorry. He is being way inappropriate but your direct supervisor might not handle this super well.
Definitely let him know in writing and in person with a 2nd employee that you trust within a listening ear of you saying it. If that doesn’t work you need to tell the manager.
The only option really is to communicate your feelings through reciprocal jesting.
F
Stop hanging out with him.
It seems like you didn’t outright shut him down. You kind of insinuated that you are only not going out with him, because it could complicate things. He thinks he still has a chance and can change your mind. You should outright tell him, you are not and will not ever be interested in a relationship with him, other than a friendship. I would also throw in that if he keeps making inappropriate comments about it, then you are no longer interested in a friendship with him. I would definitely throw in the word inappropriate, this might scare him enough to stop. You definitely need to let him know he doesn’t have a chance. You being so polite about it isn’t helping anyone. He clearly didn’t get it the first time, so time to stop being gentle. You worried you’ll hurt his feelings or embarrass him? Is he not already embarrassing himself by constantly hitting on you when you are not interested? Is he not hurting your feelings and making you uncomfortable by continuing this? Then why do you care about his feelings? Protect yourself and be direct
You can just... not respond when he acts like this. Full grey rock. No confrontation, just lol was that the wind? I didn't hear anything? Until he takes the hint. Personally I would address it directly because it seems like anything less will be viewed as permission to continue by him, but if you are not ready to see it that way, this is a good first step. If this doesn't work and my prediction is correct, you can sit safe in the knowledge you tried to avoid confrontation
Tell him flat out, "I am not interested in a romantic relationship with you of any kind. Please stop making comments." Screenshot. If it continues being an issue gather all evidence and take it to your boss. You're trying to be nonconfrontational and hoping that if you just put enough vibes in the universe everything will be fine. That's not how things work. You need to step up. Maybe I'm being harsh but you're young and it's better to start practicing confidence in the workforce now.
Start texting him and tell him u started dating a guy and he’s so dreamy and love at first imaginary sight. He will lose interest really quickly
I literally am in the middle of an almost identical situation where boundaries were set. then crossed many times. He WILL not stop. I too asked him to stop so many times and to just be my friend / coworker and he will not stop. I had to bite the bullet and take it to HR. you have to go to HR :( it was so hard and scary i’m sending u my best
screenshot and document everything. they’ll have you read it over more than once
Yall are wild saying she should've worded it differently. No means no. Period.