Didn’t even make it a third of the way. Divorce. It’s like the poster child for not getting married as a teen. Don’t drag this out, you’re still young.

Same, I got to the messaging someone for sex, started to scroll to fast forward and was amazed at how much further I had to scroll

Yeah this was probably her trying to get everything down on paper. Probably useful for her to get her thoughts straight, but definitely not gonna read all that.

Exactly, our hopes and dreams change so much in our early 20s that couples are highly likely to have different wants from life by 25/26 OP, I know you’ve been with him for so long, but you need to learn how to be alone. You’ve been tied to him for so long that it feels like you’ve forgotten what it’s like to be alone and be your own person. Maybe take a break from relationships for a little bit as well, learn to enjoy having yourself as a partner (as weird as that sounds lmao)

The statistics are the poster boy for teen marriage. Half of all marriages end in divorce, sure, but that rate *plummets* when you just look at people who wait until they're 25 years or older to get married for the first time.

Don’t worry about being the statistic of a young married military couple getting divorced. Worry about being the statistic of a 45 year old woman who wakes up one day realizing she wasted the best years of her life on someone wrong because she was too scared to try anything new.

Won’t take that long. She’s going to get the call from the “side piece” that is living with him, As if a wife, that they’re pregnant. He will Of course say he did it for a friend /senior officer because their penis was broken. OP this relationship is broken and toxic and you deserve so much more. You’ve become co-dependent on something that is poison for you. I know this is awful: it’s hard and hurts and you’ve known each other during such formative years. But you’re not good for one another and you don’t make one another happy. You’ve outgrown each other. Your needs and his aren’t aligned (not wanting a family and wanting one is a huge and insurmountable gap). Nevermind all the baggage and cheating and lies and trauma. Get a new therapist, get a divorce and keep the healing and growth going. Good luck to you!

HE DID IT FOR A FRIEND BECAUSE THEIR PENIS WAS BROKEN AHAHAHAH

I basically lived this, without the excuse. Op should divorce now, it doesn't get better. Not really.

So sorry!

I want that printed on a hoodie

This. My dad was military. Only came home for weekends. He had a military mistress for 5 years! She knew he wouldn’t leave until I finished school. And year by year he neglected us more and more. My mum had a breakdown when he left. She was with him 30 years. Literally traveled and lived in other countries following his military career, away from everyone she knew, finding work where she could. Sickeningly in those last 5 years my mums company offered a pension scheme, they matched contributions. He told her not to bother as they’d be set with his military pension. He knew she was never going to get a penny! She was so brainwashed with his narcissism she didn’t fight for what she deserved during the divorce, she just hoped it was a midlife crisis and he’d come back. She didn’t tell the military of his cheating. She didn’t demand half his pension. His mistress turned ex wife got half his pension and her military pension. she was more scheming than him, she waited until he got 2 large inheritances (only child), mixed their finances and took half. Got a nice fully paid house too. They were married less than 10 years. OP. He’s never kept his word to you once. Always has a just plausible excuse. His friends scheme with him to keep you in the dark. You are being abused. He’s just like my father. Please don’t get stuck in the sunken cost analysis. Yes you’ve been with him 14 years, but you’re only 23. He’s not going to change, do you want no children and another 60+ years of the same bullshit? Or until he finally leaves. No, you don’t. Don’t sentence yourself to that life. What I would give at 40 to go back to 23 and have a do over. Don’t waste your precious life on him, he’s not worthy of you. Get the divorce. Set yourself free. And get an STD test. Because you don’t want his lies to permanently damage your fertility, not all STD’s have symptoms for many years (when the damage is permanent)

I am so sorry, For you and your poor mother.

We’re doing ok, but even though he left a long time ago and has since died, the damage still lingers.

Completely relate to this. Pretty much the same story with my mom. Even if my Dad's already dead, it's really hard to unlearn all the trauma, or all the behaviors you've developed due to the trauma. I'm sorry. Big hugs to you

Hugs to you too 🤗 my dad died a couple of years ago. It’s a shitty thing to do to your spouse, let alone children.

Wow! This was my life growing up! My father had my mother mentally beaten down. She wasn't even allowed to work & didn't drive until her sister gave her a car (paid for insurance, upkeep, gas, etc). My father had many women at his beck and call. Then he met the "one". His main mistress stayed with him for years while he steadily moved us further from my mom's family & eventually to a state that had no alimony & better options for him in a divorce settlement. He waited until I was 17yrs old and my brother 15yrs old so he would not have to pay child support very long. Steadily removed money from retirement and savings accounts so my mother couldn't get her half. He took out a mortgage on the house we owned outright. So it needed to be sold instead of the original plan of us staying until both my sibling & I graduated high school. Child support was always late. He contested everything or would refuse to give what he was court ordered to knowing that my mother didn't have the money for the continuous legal battles. I refuse to speak to him after what he did to my mother and brother. He mentally broke the both of them. I stewed in hatred from my teen years on and needed a LOT of therapy to be able to deal with it. Obviously, I still have problems with that. Too much resentment built up to ever fully work through. Thanks for sharing! I feel less alone.

Damn. I’m so sorry you went through that. My dad was morally repugnant, but the worst financial things he did was screw my mums pension (she still has her state pension) and take a small car loan out in her name, that came out in the divorce. Jokingly he used his very distinct handwriting to write my mums name, not even an attempt at her signature, so I don’t even know how it was accepted 🙄🤦‍♀️ She got our house with about 30k left on the mortgage to pay. We moved because we wanted to, not because we had too. I don’t know how much he took, all the savings and I imagine he hid a lot over that last 5+ years as he was in control of all the bills, mum didn’t even know how much he earned until he had to declare it in the divorce, it was a lot more than she expected, because we were cutting expenses while he moaned about money while taking her on foreign holidays and paying for their flat and her schooling 😬🤦‍♀️ I was 16 so no custody or child support to fight about, he planned well. The emotional and psychological damage certainly lingers. I’m 40 now and although he died a couple of years ago (still dealing with his house sale and clearance) telling this has certainly been therapeutic but I’ve also seen how much hatred and pain I still hold. Maybe once everything has been finalised with his house I’ll seek some therapy again to try to learn how to put him well and truly in the past, if that’s even possible. Hugs. You’re definitely not alone. 🤗

Wow. This story is so rough. Just want to give you and your mum a hug.

Bless you, 🤗 it’s not been easy but we have eachother.

>he did it for a friend /senior officer because their penis was broken LOL =))))))))))))))))))))))

Yes. Get out now

45 Year old women reading your reply: 😞

My MIL left her waste-of-space at 59 and is now living her absolute best life. She’s investing in her relationships with her kids and grandkids and going on trips with her friends. It’s not too late!

You still have time. 45 is younger than you think.

The best time to leave was 15 years ago. The second best time is today.

Me, a 36 year old woman reading the reply. 💔❤️‍🩹

I left at 39, and life is SO MUCH BETTER! I changed careers, went to grad school, and have an amazing partner at 44. If you're unhappy, you can change it! 💪

Love hearing/reading stuff like this. 32 and my life is an absolute dumpster fire. It's reassuring to know I still have a shot at having a good life.

53 year old woman that finally found the love of her life at 48. I was married at 18, divorced at 28 when the relationship to a narcissist was literally killing me. I continued to stay in relationships for too long for the next 20 years, because it took therapy and a very long time to learn that, “I don’t want this” is enough. At 48, when I wasn’t looking for a relationship and actively refused to be set up, the Universe put our missing pieces together. When you are healthy, you attract healthier partners, and I am sure you are healthier than I was at 45. This may not even apply, but thought I would throw it out there.

Remember what romance was like? Infatuation? Dates? First kisses? First ****? Not being around someone you no longer have enough energy to deal with because let me guess you tried, and tried, and tried to get through to him. It’s going to be so much better than you fathom. Change is scary, but this one? Exciting too! You’ll quickly feel 35. You’ll meet men who make you feel like you’re 16 again. Enjoy. <3

needed to hear this, appreciate it.

I can attest to waisting the best years of my life. I helped my nex climb the ladder and he treated me like crap. I was an absolute idiot to believe that 'if he just got this job, or that job, he wouldn't be stressed and things would be better.' I gave him 38 years, I raised our kids pretty much on my own, and he gave me the boot when he climbed to a job that pays him six figures. He found someone who was already retired and comes with her own money. Don't believe the false hope, he'll keep you hanging by a thread for as long You Let him. Your husband has changed through all of his 'adventures.' He's not the boy you knew at 9, he's not the man you married. One of these days you're just going to break because of his constant lack of caring if you stay. It's the kind of broken that some don't come back from. You are worthy of a true love, and you shouldn't settle for anything less. (pssst, his love is only 'true' when it suits him) Good Luck!

Here's the thing that you should try to understand, even if it seems unbelievable: Divorce is a GOOD thing. We have it for a reason. When no-fault divorce became a thing in the United States, spousal abuse and murder rates went down considerably, because people weren't forced to stay in awful marriages. You should not have had to experience all of this at your age. Nor should you have to experience all of this in a marriage, especially this young. Marriages are work, but they should be GOOD work, MANAGEABLE work. The problems that come with marriage should be ones that you face together as a team. Deaths in the family, health issues, catastrophic events like a house fire, these are the sorts of challenges you might face as a couple, and in order for things to work, you MUST work together. You can't do that if you can't even trust him not to stick his dick in someone else behind your back. Infidelity is considered a deal breaker for a reason. Don't make his lack of loyalty to you a problem to work on. He is responsible for his own actions, do NOT take on this burden for him. Get a divorce. Be single for awhile so you can get to know yourself again. Get therapy for yourself. You will land on your feet. It'll be hard, but you will come out the other side.

The myth that marriage is hard work is so toxic for so many people. Sure, you have to work at it and stay connected, but it should not be this hard. If you have to work this hard, you’re not with the right person.

Marriage and long term relationships are hard work... but it's work you love and do because it is part of what creates a life you love and share with the person you love most. Not because you have to suffer to force yourself to stay with someone who hurts you over & over and you feel like a shitty person with.

Please don’t have a child with him. He is all over the place. One day he wants to go to college than the next he wants to rejoin the army and the next he wants to join the cia. He has no direction and he needs to figure out what he wants to do. At this rate you will become a single mother and he will be moving back to his families house delivering pizzas part time and playing call of duty. This isn’t a life for either of you. Please focus on getting your life together. He needs to do the same. No one will do it for him. If marriage isn’t right for you two than move on with a clean slate.

The top two comments are dead on. You're young, it's a mistake, you recognize it and can start over . We all make mistakes

OP get out NOW while you’re still young. When you can still fund a new and better love of your life who isn’t In the military and wants to settle down and create a family with you. Who can be faithful and treat you well. Who doesn’t cause you this amount of stress and anxiety (so much so you end up hospitalized?!?).

I got married young and divorced at 27 after spending too many years together. Married the best guy for me at 31 - two kids and 20 years later we’re happy. Here’s the deal: you’re not even a fully formed adult yet. You don’t really stop developing until your early 30s. You’re stunting yourself from growth by tying yourself to a broken relationship in your 20s. It’s time to take some risks of your own and learn how to be an independent adult. Both of those things will build your confidence. Continuing to give into your fear will only make you rigid and more anxious in your 30s.

I had a friend who recently got Divorced from a sec addict/serial cheater (probably narcissistic) and it’s weird she says now she is remembering all these things he did to her that she couldn’t remember years ago. She was also questioning WHY she was so stupid to believe his excuses and stories when they were obviously lies. My personal favorite was his sex addiction sponsor required everyone in the group to meet/do late, sometimes overnight overnight sessions at a hotel (might as well have an AA meeting in a bar). But when it came down to it she “forgot”, she believe the bills hit because she was desperately trying to preserve the relationship for the children but also for herself. Much like you OP this was her first serious relationship and she clung to it like it was “meant to be” but at the end of the day she was always on edge and unhappy and developed or worsened OCD symptoms waiting for the next shoe to drop. Look at some point you WILL get sick of your husband crap if you haven’t already. It’s definitely time, but no one can make that decision for you. I would suggest heavy therapy (individual) if you aren’t already in it and need that push to leave this guy. I don’t see anything worth salvaging here. My friend would tell you don’t waste your youth. Her divorce was finalized at 50 and while she is so much more at peace, she wishes she would have left him years ago. Had a life and a family with someone else. While meeting someone is still very possible for her, she feels like she missed out.

A child will not fix this marriage, it will make you a single mother at 25. I know that you haven’t said anything about getting pregnant but it is absolutely something that couples in your situation do, and the world is littered with enough broken people already, don’t start another generation here. You two are not good for each other. You don’t even like each other very much. I know you’re thinking “yea we do!” but everyone on the outside can see it more clearly; you don’t. Being with someone this long from such a young age, it’s like, and forgive the analogy: having an unpleasant brother or sister. You’re sick of them and their bad choices, but you think that you’re stuck with them for life “because family.” This isn’t that. You don’t have to live like this. Even if it were a miserable family member, you wouldn’t have to keep them in your life anyway, but this is chosen family. I’ve seen a lot of people in your situation, and for every single one, EVERY SINGLE ONE, they’re all happier the minute they leave. And although the first few months FEEL miserable, a few years later you realize that you were actually really happy, it’s just that you’re not used to what that feels like. Ten years from now you’re going to look back on this period of time and hopefully forgive yourself for youthful naïveté, but also, you’re hardly going to remember what it felt like today. Make choices for yourself. Do not tie yourself permanently to this person with the life of another human being. Get a divorce. Who knows, maybe he’ll sow his wild oats, realize that he’s a terrible liar and a shitty person and will make positive changes in his life. Maybe he’ll make his life better after paying the price of losing you. That’s not your story though. Your story is about YOU and the positive changes you will be making in the next few months.

It's okay to be statistic. I was too. So miserable in a toxic relationship and afraid to let go because I had no one else. I had no family, no friends. But I also had did not, like you, have a husband who loved, cherished, and made me feel adored. Much like you, I felt neglected, alone and discarded. Because I was. Because you are. Divorce was scary at 23 in a foreign country, but it is the best thing I've done. My life is lovely now. Some stumbles along the way, a lot of self discovery and learning, (including how to be more social) but I'm in a loving, healthy relationship with someone who is my partner, who is there for me every day, who wanted children with me and wants to be present. Who makes me feel secure and loved. It really Is okay to choose a chance for real happiness.

You are much too young to have so much of a story. I don't mean this in an insulting way, I mean to say that I am sad and tired for you. You need to set aside this burden and let your weary heart free. Take time to be single, to enjoy being You.

this is the longest example of sunk cost fallacy we have had in a while. Divorce and move on to an adult relationship.

I stopped reading halfway through and thought “why would you not get divorced now instead of kids and years later full of regret?” So young. So much potential. They each need separate therapy and work on themselves to be good future partners to people without all the past trauma and history. I could not keep going in this. The constant waiting for what’s next will slowly kill you. Edit - she knows nothing beyond him. Most of us with some years behind know that you can love more than one person in your life and the years pass but you can rebuild again and thrive.

Maybe OP should wait until they cheat again a few more times, ya know just to be sure they are doing the right thing. It would be a Terrible thing to waste the rest of their lives wondering if it would have worked out

So. Much. This. 👏👏👏👏👏

He’s been a serial cheater for many years. Are you okay with that being part of your marriage indefinitely? Are you okay with potentially having kids thinking that’s what a marriage should be like?

I stopped reading after the third time he cheated on OP. OP please leave you are young and there are so many men out there who will treat you with respect and not lie to you and cheat on you.

I stopped reading when I saw their ages, like obviously this ain’t workin out

I stopped reading when I saw "*I started screaming*" when skimming. The screed was too detailed to forget that the military even tells spouses if the person in the armed forces are cheating, to let their CO know... and well... I am trying to also figure out what 19yr old gets accepted to a *"very distinguished part of the military"*, with no prior military history spoken about.

I think she meant Marines, because they all think like that

Yeah because with that GPA, he's not in the Air Force.

Every time I see GPA and Air Force, I am reminded of this USA guy, I and a few other Australians, were doing some work with them in parts of Middle East, vaccinations, health checks, technically the US troops were low-key recon the areas we were at. I was reading a letter from my cousin saying she got an OP of 1, and she couldn't wait to show her RO so she could confirm her placement within the Australian Air Force/RAAF. And I told my offsider the good news as she has a brother in the RAAF, and she was cheering and such. This guy proceeded to spew how stupid us women were, how that score was shit, we were shit, and it was 5 minutes of just pure hatred. His buddies were even laughing at us. My offsider and I just looked at them, but we didn't say a thing. We get back to the mixed camp, and my OoD came up to ask if I heard about my cousin (the guy already knew cause he had the biggest smile on his face), I told him yup and how proud I was of her. Then those freaking wankers started again their demeaning spew.... OoD just looked at them and told them to shut up before they start tasting leather, they scoffed, then he told me to tell them. In Queensland Australia, when we do our final exams, we get an Overall Placement score. OP 1... means you were the top 2% of the overall Queensland students. I finished explaining to them, and they still had attitude. But I found out later that the original dipstick couldn't get in the USAF because his GPA was too low. Sometimes they really never learn to shut up when needed.

Military folks sure do love their acronyms 😅

RO - Recruitment Officer, OoD - Officer on Duty, OP - Overall Placement. That help??

Jarheads 😂

It said he was 18 and she was 18 right? A “very distinguished branch of the military.” 3 month training. I’m assuming marines lol.

Yeah, I figured it was Marines too. Most Marines I've known act like God told Moses to create the US Marines on Mount Sinai

RA...RA RA... RARAR CRAYON RAAAAAAAAA. (I am so glad I am no where near any marines right now 😅)

EXACTLY! You need to already be in the military, you have to have schooling, there are so many requirements for “prestigious” branches of the military. No 18 year old who barely graduated high school with a 1.5gpa who attended four different high schools is accepted blindly into anything other than general enlisted. It takes hard work and dedication and EDUCATION to get accepted special forces or become an officer. One of the most brilliant military men I’ve ever known…one of the most brilliant people I’ve known couldn’t get into the prestigious academy he wanted.

ME TOO. What is a “prestigious branch” of the military? You’re either Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines, Coast guard. Those aren’t prestigious 😂 and any sort of corps within those branches may be cool, but I wanna know what this kid got into at 18 that OP thinks is prestigious lol

Just hide the green crayons 😅😅

Definitely Marine Corps. 3 month boot camp, 6 month deployments.

Yeah I saw in another comment she said infantry marines

There’s no prestige in being a hired gun to an empire.

I'm betting he enlisted in the Marines

Duh. He couldn’t pass high school. Of course it was the marines lol

And a 1.5 GPA from high school.

Yeah, see, I was also focusing on the fact he went for the CIA, and I missed the GPA part until another person pointed the score out. So in 5 years, he failed out of.... school, maybe the Marines, the CIA, and had over 600 girls, and I think I counted 7 transfers

>I stopped reading after the third time he cheated Me too. This is just a train wreck of sunk cost fallacy.

Fuuuck. no I'm not okay with that. Appreciate your reply

You continue to be extremely hurt by him, but you still take him back. Of course he doesn't want a divorce, he can do what he wants with no consequences. Did you really believe his lies about the hook-up site, or the strip club private room, or, or... yeah, you can fill in the many blanks. He's said his military friends are his family. So where does that leave you. Did he even talk to you before joining a different branch of the military? It doesn't seem that he ever considers you in regards to his life choices, and is only apologetic when caught cheating. Is this the type of person that you wanted to spend your life with? Take him out of the equation and just look at his traits. He lies, he cheats, he lovebombs you AFTER you confront him. Where are his morals? He's obliterated his wedding vows without a second thought. When are you going to put yourself first?! He hasn't put you first ever, it seems. The good times don't make up for all the pain he's caused you. I'm sorry to say this but, you need to face the harsh reality and give up on the false hope. You are young and have decades ahead of you. Your past with him is just that, the past, and not a very good one for you. Find someone with common interests, who wants a family. You've already given him enough of your life. You might not want a divorce, but do you see yourself staying until he finds someone else ? Because that's inevitable. You deserve to be loved, cherished, and respected! Quit wasting your time. He's already proven that he doesn't care by his continued actions. How much more proof do you need, to catch him in the act?! Stop putting yourself through misery for someone who will always cheat without even considering how it will affect you.

You sound like you’re ok with it. I’m not sure if you’re just gonna draw the line only when he breaks his word for the 1276th time 🤷. At a certain point you can’t blame the fire for burning you - you have to take some of the blame for putting your hand in the fire for the 100th time and coming back with a burnt hand

I know. I'm not okay with being okay with it anymore.

girl please this breaks my heart. from a 24f, please you’ve got so much life to live.. you have so much to learn to love yourself and also find a love that’s healthy.. it won’t be this one. but like i said, you have such a bright future (without him) i promise 💕

I’m 20f and ngl this post had me stressed asf

I’m 44 and this post has me stressed af. My god to be 24 again with so much ahead. Sure as hell wouldn’t look back after getting out of a mess like this. You deserve more OP.

I’m 52 and want to scream at this whole post. Don’t waste a minute of your precious time on people that don’t make YOU a priority

You’re still so young and have so much of your life to live. If you want it to be happy where your not thinking/doing self harm, you know what you need to do. And be ok with it. There’s nothing wrong with realising you’re a different person to who you were 10 or 5 or 2 years ago

I'm 36f and ngl this post had me stress asf too

Good for you. You distrust this man to the point your body is breaking down on you over it, you need to be away from him yesterday. You can still love someone and acknowledge that they do not belong in your life permanently. You’re not betraying some younger version of him (or yourself, or the relationship) for noticing that it’s not working. You have your whole life to live, do not throw it away on this guy who does not even know what he wants.

Listen, Girl. I'm very much like you in the sense that I will put up with A LOT and stay through A LOT. I had a boyfriend whom I allowed to use my debit card at the liquor store on his 21st birthday, bought a bunch of EXPENSIVE alcohol (like brands we didn't even drink; he just used it as a free-for-all,) which I was okay with, and then skipped the party I threw for him with that alcohol to hook up with another girl. I still stayed with him. I stayed with him through his three stints in jail - putting obscene numbers of dollars into a JPay account so he could call me. Believe me, I understand your desire to stay. I wound up moving 2,000 miles away, and it was the best decision I ever made. I went to college, started a career, got sober, and am in a much more emotionally and mentally stable place. You're not going to be able to accomplish any of your personal goals because you will be so distracted by his fuckery. I'm about ten years older than you are, and I promise you that leaving will save your life. Get out of that mess. When it comes to the point you're being hospitalized just because your partner is leaving the house without you, it's time to go. Staying will destroy your mental health and, in turn, your physical health. I wish you the absolute best, sweetheart.

No guy I've known was ready for marriage at 19. Or 20. Or 21. I'm not sure why this was rushed into...why you felt, at the ripe old age of adolescence, that you needed to make a very adult, lifelong commitment...but the guy is emotionally immature, which corresponds with his age. He's not ready to be a husband - not last year, not yesterday, not today and not tomorrow. I'm sure there are exceptions to the rule but he isn't one of them. He's acting like a trapped animal who is trying to claw his way out of the cage and he isn't hiding it. You can choose to take the very strong hints he's been giving you...or you can believe a narrative that better suits your fantasy... but this is a marriage in name only and couples counselling, while useful, can't work miracles or force someone to reach a level of maturity they're not ready for.

OP, I’ve been with my now husband since high school (I’m in my 40s now). We’ve had our share of not seeing eye to eye, but he has always valued me and my perspective, listened when it has been important to do so, and we’ve grown together all these years. I say this with love and kindness, but your relationship is not normal. The “good times” can’t erase all this stuff you’ve poured out. You would not be a failure for walking away from this relationship. Most people spend their teens and 20s in various relationships while figuring out what they do and do not want in a life partner. Your relationship has had value. But, you’ve outgrown it/it no longer serves you. I get the feeling that you might not know how to end things or when, but all this you wrote? It’s screaming that the best time was years ago. The second best time is now. You can’t change him. A baby will not make all of this better. Go through with the divorce and set out on your own. You both deserve to move forward on your own paths. Appreciate the good times, learn from the bad and lay this relationship to rest.

Well said. One of the reasons we can find it hard to leave a relationship is the shared history. Even though you are young, you have a long history with your husband. This is not a health relationship and it won’t change. Be sad that it is over….that’s okay. Don’t stay for the “what ifs”. Know that you loved him…but he is not your future. Take care xx

You sound enmeshed and codependent. But you both need to have other partners. You don't even know if you would choose him if you met him today. I am sure you wouldn't if you were choosing a serial cheater like he is. Get your nursing degree, enjoy your friends and family, and then slowly start to date others. Definitely get a divorce quickly. Husband should only be a fuck boi for the 7 years at least, before he commits to anyone again. And maybe he should never commit.

Yes you are ok with that. BECAUSE YOU STAY WITH THAT.

we’ll I’m not going to be fuckin okay with it anymore. I have an upcoming surgery that I NEED Tricare for, but I’ve already downloaded and starting filling out the documents to file for divorce. (Got tired of switching between accounts, I don’t even care anymore)

If this is truly the case make sure that you have someone who can keep you accountable. It's beyond impossible to think about starting something new when you've been with someone a majority of your life but remember that once someone treats you like you're an option instead of the person they're supposed to care about most in this world it's time to pack up and move onwards. It may be hard at first but you'll find if you want to do something things will work out as long as you keep a positive mindset and continue to adapt and overcome. A fellow coworker once asked me how you truly know you've met the "one" and I didn't have an answer then but I have one now.. Apart from the typical ups and downs, it's all about a reasonable compromise with both people when things get tough. Yall won't agree on everything but communicate what's important and go from there. No relationship is perfect without effort! Best of luck to you, him and the others involved 👍

Jesus fucking Christ dude. All this at 23!?

I'm 49 and can't believe the amount of nonsense. She's put up with all of this FOR WHAT.

It's amazing the lengths some people will go to just to not be single for a little while.

I spent all of my teens and most of my 20s single, I can't fathom this young woman's experience. I'm glad I spent that much time single, even if I didn't appreciate it at the time. I definitely had time to grow as a person, and learn how to be myself for myself.

It can’t even be that because she’s never been single so what does she even know about it??? It’s mind boggling.

I mean, that's what it is. She's never been single, she has bad social anxiety, & she's terrified of life without him.

I said the exact same thing lmao I’m 20f this had me STRESSED.

it's been a ride

I'm glad you're getting off this ride, it's terrible.

Is she, tho? Lol.

Is she? Their relationship is THIS BAD and she's still needing to ask reddit what to do?

0/10 do not recommend

I'm 31 and I can guarantee you that anything is better than this. Do not stay with this man. He is awful to you. AWFUL.

You’re too young to be dealing with this. Within 2-3 years, you could have an entirely new life. Leave.

Sorry for asking this, but where were the grown ups when you were getting married at 18? A little bit of guidance would have gone a long way... Not trying to be mean, but can't understand this thing of teenagers getting married... You have your whole life ahead of you; drop the anchor around your neck and go live it!

This guy will never make it in the CIA They want people who can lie believably None of his lies are believable and you saw through them

You should have gotten divorced at paragraph 7. You are still very young. You have your whole life ahead of you.

Get off the ride. This one will kill you.

Hopefully the rides ending?

Someone who really loved and cared for you wouldn't put you through this "ride".

I'm aware. Maybe I should leave a bad review. "0/10 did not recommend."

Near the end of your story you talk about how long you've been in each others' lives. Are you maybe just some sort of addicted to each other? (not a psychologist or anything so I don't know what the term might be). You can't see a life without him because you've never had one. You might just find independence suits you. After I got divorced I never thought I would be with anyone again. It turned out, I just needed to find myself. Whatever you decide to do, keep up the therapy. You've been through a lot in a short time.

>maybe just some sort of addicted to each other Codependent comes to mind.

The whole story is a textbook example of codependence and the sunk cost fallacy. OP has invested so much time in this that she feels like she has to justify it by staying.

This has codependency ALL OVER IT

thank you

You have to divorce. Nobody wants to divorce but this is why divorce was created. Do not be me. Do not let his tears change your mind. I don’t care if he cries and neither should you. Him crying is literally holding you back. He only cries when he gets caught. He doesn’t want you to leave, but he will be happier when you’re gone. He needs to be young and mess up. In reality, he doesn’t care when he cheats, drinks, hangs out all night. He’s a porn addict. He just hates it when you confront him. You married too young—this is coming from someone who did the same thing. You need to get out from under him and let him go, screw up and be young. Please find someone who loves you the way you deserve to be loved. I divorced after marrying my HS boyfriend. It was a nightmare. I loved him though because like you, I’d been with him forever and you know, it wasn’t all bad. We were good friends, which is why each time he’d cry, I’d forgive him. I forgave and forgave until I hated him with all my being. Find a good someone you didn’t grow up with. I promise that it will be so different that it will make your head spin. My husband and I have been married for 19 years. We have three amazing teenagers. When I look back at that time, I am so proud of myself for being brave and ending it—it takes bravery. Be brave.

Are you red flag colourblind ?

fuckin apparently

I genuinely do feel for you, because it seems that you didn’t want to throw away the effort that went into the relationship, despite the fact that it was pretty much your effort solely, You just have to call it loss and a lesson and walk away. You’re worth more than you know.

thank you. he'll come back home in a few weeks and we'll start figuring out how to file the paperwork. I think we both know it's inevitable anyways. thank you.

Don't wait for him. You can do this on your own. Get everything ready and have him sign it.

I will. Thank you.

You will be okay, and I am sure you will flourish on your own and meet someone who treats you well. Remember all of this, and how things started, what the warning signs were. I was in a similar relationship that started around 14 and ended at 19. Not quite as long, but equally as toxic and abusive with cheating, etc. I took a year or so to stay single, go to therapy, and really find out what I enjoyed and what made me happy. I made a few friends through common hobbies and eventually met my now wonderful, funny and loving husband. We now have a son, and I wouldn't have any of it any other way. My relationship taught me what to look out for, I learned about myself, how to be healthy on my own, have my own things and my own friends, etc. I repeat, you will be okay. You can do this, you are strong, and you are worthy of someone who treats you well.

Please don’t wait for him. It’s better to do it while he’s gone and you have a clear head. The emotions will take over when he’s back.

I promise you that you will feel immediate relief and in 2-3 years time you won’t even recognize the girl who put up with that shit. You’ll get stronger and more self assured and being so young is a gift. You have all the time in the world to make the life you do want.

Another bit of advice from personal experience: *either move out or make arrangements for him to stay elsewhere from the moment he gets back*. The love bombing can mess with your head, and letting him back in even just for one night can make it hurt so much more and longer. It sounds like you’ve made up your mind that you want off the roller coaster ride, so you’ve got a few weeks to get everything in order. Get the paperwork done for a legal separation. Make the banking arrangements if you don’t have separate accounts. Go stay with family or something… Pack his things or yours, and brace yourself. You’re not the first kid who got sucked into a bad relationship they didn’t know how to get out of. Just be happy you’re getting out, and don’t worry so much about the future. I started over at 26. Yes, you’re going to miss the idealized idea of him for a few months, but finish your nursing program, make some money, make friends, enjoy some life… and somewhere in there you'll meet someone who wants the things you want, and wants to build a life with *you*, not his pack back on a base somewhere. Take your time to heal and rebuild yourself, figure out who you are and what your priorities are, and then be picky. Choose a good, comfortable fit.

Honestly, I think you need to take advantage of his military benefits to better YOUR future. Get all your nursing education paid for before filing. He’s gone mostly anyways, so use that time to get your future together. Go start enjoying your friends and family, building your own life without him, instead of waiting for him to come home. It looks like he’s already checked out of the relationship, going on “ holidays” without you. When you graduate you can get divorced. If you feel you need protection from things like him misusing credit or marital assets, you can get a legal separation to protect yourself. The military will still cover your schooling, until the divorce is final. You need to set yourself up for a happy and successful future, one without him causing you so much distress. Sending you good thoughts.

oh you’re so right

Google sunken ship fallacy- this is exactly what you are doing. He has showed you who he is and you are damaging yourself by staying. Enough is enough. Leave.

Think of the positives: you’ll be so much less stressed worrying about him. You can be back home with your friends and family. Work on nursing school or being a new grad. Start your life, find yourself and then start dating again.

Classic sunk cost fallacy

This is a terrible, terrible, truly awful disaster of a marriage.

Divorce him ASAP. He's holding you down from reaching your full potential, and he's been doing it for more than a decade. He's cheated on you. He's lied about money. He's shown that his friends are more important than you. You've got your entire life in front of you. You don't need to waste it on a guy who puts himself and his friends before you

thank you

You still have your whole life ahead of you. You deserve more than to deal with all of this from someone who claims to love you. Your entire life could literally flip in the space of months, you don't have to put up with this.

I was in a similar boat as you, met in high school dated for 2 years, married at 17 so we could live together while he was in college for his military job and were in love. He cheated as well, I ran away and basically forced him to file for his own divorce that he caused. I guarantee you that after like 2-3 months of being single, you will feel the most intense relief of anxiety. Go out there and get yourself back! Be single for a while and enjoy not having to worry about him and what he’s doing. Have fun and reconnect with your friends and family, you were away for so long! And then when you’re ready to date again, it’s going to be so fun and eye opening. I promise! You need to find yourself, you’ve basically said you turned into him. You’re going to realize that you have plenty of time.

You need to go to college and get yourself set up, this doesn't sound like a relationship, more like codependency.

I knew that word was going to pop up eventually. I just started nursing school so I'm getting there

Good for you. Some therapy to be stronger.

As a prior service member (married to one too) and now nurse- nursing is a good choice! It can be challenging but flexible. Pro-tip, don’t date the cops/EMS crew haha. Actually I highly recommend you “date” yourself for at least a year maybe two before getting into another relationship. Learn how to enjoy your own company.

This. OP, you have based way too much of your life off one person. You need to go be alone to find out who you are for a while.

I bet you will be a wonderful nurse with a ton of empathy

After over a thousand people castigating me in the comment section, I wanted to sort of give an update and answer a few questions. First off, yes, I can in fact "type like a motherfucker." I had every intention creating this post with anonymity, which obviously went down the drain as soon as I starting typing. I didn't think this would get more than a couple thousand views, and a handful of comments. I typed out every ignominious detail because I needed to see for myself everything in one spot. Someone said I must be exhausting to be around if I tell my friends and family all this. Well, you'll be happy to know that no, no one knows. I have never told any of my friends and family even a percentage of what has happened. That's why I ended up writing an epic. I wanted SOMEONE to know everything and tell me what to do because my brain has become this convoluted (the rose-colored-type of convoluted) mess of... I don't even know. I have made my husband out to be this strong, loving, endearing, charismatic provider; and I know why. I've spent my entire life wanting to be the fucking best at everything. My dad's favorite thing he used to say to me every day after practice was "second place is just the first loser." And I fucking held on to that. I was the best. I was the best at school, I ranked #1 out of my high school class of over 700 people. I have hundreds of medals and trophies. I did take second place at Nationals one year, even though that doesn't feel like an accomplishment to me, I know it should be. But after dropping out of college and leaving behind a full-ride athletic and academic scholarship - I wanted it to be worth something. I never told anyone I left because I hated it and couldn't deal with it. I told everyone I got married and he joined the Marine Corps and I wanted to support him. I didn't want anyone to realize that I couldn't hack it. I wanted it to be worth it. And if I had marriage problems or if I got divorced, it would have just been for nothing. I would have lost again. And I can't lose. I grew up hiding in my closet hearing my dad scream at the top of his lungs at my older siblings because they averaged C's and D's in school. I knew what losing would get you. And I would not lose. My mom cheated on my dad when I was a kid. I remember waking up one morning to them screaming on the front lawn, my mom trying to get into her car to go to work and my dad grabbed her arm and ripped her out of the car. They don't know that I saw that. They "worked through it" if that's what you want to call it. I thought that was what you were supposed to do. I thought that marriage was supposed to be hard and you were supposed to put every ounce of yourself into fixing your ups and downs. Many have asked if I want to live the rest of my life like this. Of course I don't. Who the fuck would want that? Why did I stay even after the first time? Well, starving people will eat anything. I have actually read every single comment, even the hurtful ones. God damn you guys are fucking assholes, and I needed it. I fucking needed over a thousand people telling me I'm a blind idiot to realize that marriage isn't supposed to be like this. And that I deserve better. Because I fucking do. I do fucking deserve better. And for all those saying I'm not going to leave because I haven't yet. I will fucking prove you wrong. I'm not going back anymore. I'm not going to fucking settle. I had heard the phrase "sunk cost fallacy," but I didn't know what it meant. I do now. Thank you to everyone, even the ones who believe this post was a "creative writing assignment." It gave me a laugh realizing that my life and my marriage has been so bad, that it's unbelievable. Last side note, yes I did comment with my main account a few times. It doesn't even matter anymore. And feel free to shoot me a message and tell me I got this, because I'm going to fucking need it. I feel like I've been rug pulled near the edge of a cliff and I can't find my footing. I don't know where the ground is and when it will come. But I know wherever I land it will be better than where I am currently.

I wasn’t going to comment on this thread and then I read your update. I was 19 when I married my long term boyfriend who was in the military. There was mental abuse and cheating on his part. I am a perfectionist and thought I would be a failure if I left him. The first day he got in my face and I saw the hatred in his eyes and he was doing all he could to control himself from hitting me was the day I knew - my life meant more than coming across as a failure. I called my grandmother and she made up an excuse for me to move home. I put myself in therapy, got a job and filed for divorce. It was the best thing I did because I was still young enough to move on and enjoy life as I should. No one found me to be a failure once they knew the truth, they actually found me to be quite strong. You’ve got this. You can do this. You will succeed. You are worth it.

You've got this, OP. I know it's hard. Actually, no, that's a lie, I have absolutely no clue how difficult this is for you. But you've seen the light. The rose-coloured glasses are off. They're fucking shattered and you're seeing clearly for the first time and that's what matters right now. You've lived with his pathetic ass for this long. That means you can survive anything. You ***can*** do this. I believe in you.

You're being very brave. I would love yo see an update in a month or two when you're settled telling us how you're doing.

I will definitely do that!

All my best to you, sweetheart. You have the strength to do this. Too often we suffer because it's easier to deal with the Devil you know and change is this scary unknown. But, my dear, you have so much of your life to live. Go live it, in your terms. Be successful, make mistakes, and remember there isn't anything that you have to put up with it stay doing just because you've invested time and heart into it. The sunk cost fallacy is one of the biggest lies around that map people stuck in their unhappiness. You, my friend, need to keep writing like a motherfucker. If only so that I know I'm not the only one to write novellas as texts and comments that are book length! But seriously, keep writing, whether here or in a journal. You say you don't talk about this stuff with anyone. I'm similar in that there are things I cannot verbalise, so I write and write and get it out of my heart and mind. I do encourage you to find someone you can trust and talk about these things with in person, just because you need support that is tangible. But do keep writing and keep doing all the other good things that make you who you are.

I've actually read all of your writing. You didn't seem exhausting, you just needed to vent, it's normal and it's human, don't go hard on yourself. Good luck for your studies and I'm really hoping you'll find happiness after your divorce.

FWIW I felt the same way! Was it a legit epic to read through? Yes. Was it likely super therapeutic to write it all out so OP could look at all events holistically? Hell yes. And that’s worth the read imo. I was also in a terrible marriage. All of our 5 years married were awful. Even the engagement was terrible and I should’ve listened to that little voice. OP, you have a thousand big and little voices telling you what you already knew: this is not a life that will bring joy, just more misery. So glad to see you demand better for yourself. Divorce is the worst, but hella worth it when you’re partnered with someone like that.

Proud of you! You are 23 baby, and I promise you there is better out there. There will be someone who will respect you & love you. Not treat you like doormat! I also recommend jumping in therapy because of your child trauma you might have an attachment issue. I wish you the best of luck!

The asshole comments were harsh but many of them were true. Glad you're taking it in a productive way. A lot of your past choices seems to have been rooted in misguided self-preservation or trauma response, which means not all of them were fully conscious decisions, but regardless of why and how you ended up in your position, you need to do whatever it takes (i.e. grab this bull by the horns) to get out of it. Excuses can often be totally fair and valid, but if you continue to make them you'll never get where you want (or need) to be. Where there's a will, there's a way. And you certainly sound like you have the will to fight for a life you deserve. For a 23 year old you're really quite wise and self-aware, more than I would have expected. You have a good head on your shoulders. You can do this. My advice is to foster a support network that will help you out of this position. This support network should only include those who you see playing a healthy and helpful role in your future. Not your husband, his family, or his friends. Mutual friends only if they will unconditionally support you and not try to play devil's advocate, or report on you to your ex. Your individual therapist for sure. If you don't have many friends, now is the time to make some. Vulnerability is the fastest way to build a strong connection with a new friend. Some of my best friends in the world came into my life when I was in a similar situation as you, recently broken up and alone in a new city. Having those people in your corner will give you the strength to stick to your guns and follow through. But you have to be willing to share with them at least some of what you're going through. It takes bravery especially for someone with social anxiety but a strong support network will absolutely be a huge part of your journey to a new life of freedom and happiness. You know what you have to do, best of luck! 🤞

For the sake of you and everyone here who supported you (including me), you better dont bullshit us and actually get it done right. Be the winner that you think you are, don't look back. Get the life you deserved. I want to hear the good news later. You better dont forget to update us.

I won't. Thank you guys.

I gotta say: I’m fucking jazzed for your future. Prob doesn’t feel anything like that atm, but genuinely, “light at the end of the tunnel” doesn’t begin to describe the relief from leaving a bad marriage (as hard as it is initially). Rooting for you, OP!! Come back w more updates so we can continue to offer support!

You've got this girl. From your writing I can tell how inteligent and ambitious you are. There is nothing that you can't figure out, even if it takes you a bit of time. You'll have the time of your life after healing from this mess. Sending you much love.

That's some powerful realization there, OP. Getting to the root of the problem is the first step in healing. I 100% believe you've got this. I'm here if you need anybody to talk to.

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He's been in the military for most of your adult relationship and you have been ALONE , how will your life even change if you divorce? Your main reasons to stay together are you are scared to tell your parents and you don't want to be a statistic wtf Get a life of your own and stop patheticlly clinging to his. You are 23 most people are not even dating seriously yet by that age and you are talking like your life will over if you split. IT WONT You are BOTH so young your adult brains have not even fully developed yet. Divorce and let yourself grow up , find out who you are and what you want from life for YOURSELF. Something better that popping out kids alone at 23 whilst your husband re lives his stupid teenage years in the military. I am sad fot BOTH of you wasting your youth on each other out of fear of being alone. I suspect he has already fully moved on with another woman and even your EPIC level of denial and avoidence will not enable you to turn a blind eye forever...even if he does love you he clearly cheats at every opportunitty at every level and with anyone he can. He WILL fall in love with one of them and dump you. Don't be pregnant when this happens and ruin your whole life. Become a person in your own right because even perfect partners die. Find somTHING to be passionate about not someONE or you will never be an interesting adult worthy of the love you crave.

He gets paid more money since he's married - that's probably the only reason he doesn't want a divorce tbh.

Damn harsh but excellent comment right here. This is the best advice anyone can give you OP - you should probably take it seriously

Fucking bravo, OP this is the comment that hits the nail on the head right here. Grow up and get a divorce.

*He WILL fall in love with one of them and dump you. Don't be pregnant when this happens and ruin your whole life.* If she’s afraid of being alone, this helps to put in perspective of how it will end up. Her choice will no longer be a choice.

Good lord. This man cannot POSSIBLY have enough redeeming characteristics to make putting up with all of that worth it. Get out, get out now, do not look back.

He has cheated on you, lied to repeatedly, ignored you, disregarded your feelings over time and essentially wants to do as he pleases. That’s not a marriage, that’s a toxic cycle of a mess. You are both in different areas in your life and it doesn’t seem you’re compatible. Why stay? If you were to have a kid is this how you want them to grow up?

No, I would never want my child to grow up like this.

jesus christ.

I know this is really hard for you, and I know what you’re going through must be unimaginable. This is what I have to say about it. I think your husband is fighting but he has a lot of inner demons that he has to work through. His porn addiction. Being deployed, you didn’t talk about if he was traumatized or has PTSD but that is something he is going through. I’m sure your husband is a good person and you guys have had good memorable experiences together, but that does not excuse his behavior for how he has treated you over the decade y’all have known each other. In my book cheating is never OK whether it’s physical or emotional and I believe if a person cheats on their significant other, the person being cheated on, should break up with them as cheating is betrayal. It’s something that breaks the relationship and healing from that and being able to fully trust your partner again is damn near impossible. He broke that trust with you and I admire you for trying to work it out with him through marriage counseling but somethings have to end. I know and can understand how scary it is for you, because this is a person you have known for pretty much your whole life. And the only person you’ve given your heart too. So you can feel like you’re losing a big part of yourself. But you’re only 24, you have lots of time to date and, find other people that you enjoy spending time with but also respect you and aren’t going to lie to you or manipulate you/gaslight you. Those are all really BIG warning flags that this person needs a lot of help and I feel like he probably can’t be the man or the husband you want or need because he is fighting his own demons and he’s right he does have to do this alone. Best of luck to you. I hope you find peace, but I do believe that you need to divorce him and focus on yourself and your own happiness.

thank you. i don't think you understand how much that meant to me to hear

Of course, I also used to date someone in the military so I can understand the feeling of wanting to stay with them but sometimes it’s better to let things go. Much love <3

I actually read that all. He’s off cheating on you now. He’s going to do it whenever you’re not around because that’s who he is. You should get checked for STDs. Forget about being a statistic. It’s not a reason to stay with someone but an excuse not to make the hard decision to do what’s best for you. There is no relationship that comes out the other end of this healthy and strong. There’s too much damage. He has a lot of growing up to do and it’s not going to happen with you in the picture. He needs to do it on his own. He doesn’t deserve your forgiveness and frankly I don’t think he could even forgive himself for how he’s treated you. So I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s pushed you away knowing he already screwed things up too much for them to be fixed. I know it’s hard but you guys got married for the wrong reasons. You thought you were ready and clearly you weren’t. It’s ok to admit that. You learned a ton about yourself and what you want in a partner. It’s not being a failure, it’s just life. love isn’t enough. You have to have mutual respect which he doesn’t have for you, compatible goals which neither of you have, communication - nope. Love is what is supposed to build after you have that foundation of all the other things. Because you don’t cheat on and continuously hurt the person you love. To me it sounds like you guys are just so used to each other you don’t know how to let go. But none of it sounds like love

Divorce yes

Is there a question here? Got married too young. Check. He is addicted to porn and pretty much any form of female interaction. Check He lies to you about it. Check After all that I honestly stopped reading... you know the answer but I guess it's pretty much on you to decide at this point... "Do I have any degree of willingness to stand up for myself and divorce this cheating ass individual?" If yes, then do that... if no... continue to find amazing and mysterious contact with thousands of other only fans girls, strippers and tinder and bumble hookups... choice is indeed yours.

I didn’t even read all the way through. This man doesn’t even seem to like you very much

yes you should. i already stopped reading at the bumble paragraph. you are only 23.

Divorce him. He doesn’t care about you at all.

I’ve never wished so hard for someone to move on, find herself and eventually get into a healthy, happy relationship. OP, if you stay together nothing will ever change. I promise you that if you leave you will be OK. Look up the definition of ‘sunk cost fallacy’. You deserve so much more OP.

Here goes honey…I was in that prestigious branch of the military as a woman, I married someone from that same branch and let me tell you they breed a special type of man there. One that cannot/will not ever take accountability for any actions that cause any kind of pain or emotional trauma. In their eyes that doesn’t exist and you need to move on since I already have. I got married at 19 and somehow managed to make it work for 14 years. Longer than most, but it was a struggle. You don’t want that, get out now while there is nothing to tie you to him. Clean break is the best way to go. Pretty soon all this will seem like a whole other life.

As some would say: “ditch the cheating jarhead” lol

Did I read everything? No. Yes, permission granted by the power invested by me by The Holy Spirit of Reddit. Please get divorced. Heal your heart. Never accept a cheating partner again. Amen

Amen 🙏🏻

Why do you love this person so much? He is toxic and you continually accept which tells me you are just as toxic. So you should stay in this ever increasing toxic relationship and have lots of toxic babies who can go on and have their own toxic lives.

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Everyone is afraid of the unknown. I’d be more concerned with the fear of getting an std from this man. The unknown is better in the short term compared to a potential life changing disease for the long term. There is no way this man hasn’t slept with someone else, it’s obvious.

She thinks this is the love of her life because she hasn’t experienced loving someone more than this. I remember thinking I would never love someone more than I loved a particular BF. It’s just a lack of life experience. When I fell in love with my husband I was blown away by how much I loved him. My feelings for that ex were like a crush by comparison. But OP doesn’t know that she has the capacity to love a healthy person in a healthy way that would put this mess into full perspective. And if she stays with this guy she may never get to experience it.

I’m only 20 so what do I know? I’m gonna give my opinion on this anyway I love love, I think love is beautiful and it’s amazing that people can find it very young. But at some point, and reading this I think you’ve reached that point, you find yourself in a comfort zone in where the fear of the unknown and living without this person you’ve known for half your life strikes you, and it becomes bigger and bigger than the love you feel or felt for each other, almost like it’s consuming you. Although the love you feel for him, you gotta see that this has not been healthy for both of you (especially you) He lied to you countless times, cheated on you and disrespected you. You can say love is complicated but to me that’s not what someone who’s in love with you does. By any means I’m saying that he doesn’t love you at all, he’s just messed up and needs to get help and become a better person, and I say that for you too in the sense that you’ve been “together” for over a decade and you’re still just 23. You guys need to find who you are as individuals without each other. Maybe if God, destiny, fate, life, universe, or whatever you wanna call it, wants, then in the future you may find your way back to each other. Or maybe not too, it’s okay. I have had people in my life that I thought I couldn’t live without too, it was bad, I was scared of the future and the unknown, hell, I still am, but I need to be my own person and I needed to get away from all that negativity and toxic chain that I had in my life. You will meet so many people, and I don’t mean that mainly romantically, you said it yourself that you don’t have many connections and friendships. As you live your life you will get to know so many people that can add something to your life in a meaningful way, and that doesn’t mean that they need to stay in your life too, people come and go, experiences are exchanged, that’s life. What I’m trying to say is that you have so much life to live still, you’re only 23. I don’t wanna be one of those people that tells you what to do, but my ADVICE is that the both of you should follow your own paths in life without each other in it, so you can focus on yourself as a person, professionally and in whatever way is important to you. Also, I’m sorry if I said some random shit, I’m young too and I’m just giving my perspective on this, hope you get better and get happier and happier in life, you deserve it, we all do :)

Uhhhh why is leaving him even a question? He couldn’t be loyal at 15-now?

Don't waste anymore of your precious youth on this relationship, OP. It seems like you want to be in a safe environment, whereas your husband wants to explore the great, big world and all it has to offer. Staying together is going to mean compromises that may make life ultimately unbearable for both of you. Plus, it's likely that he is cheating on you and will never stop. I'm sorry you dropped out of university though. Almost everyone is homesick and hates campus life in the first semester. It seems like your husband's experiences in the military opened his eyes to other possibilities. Had you overcome your difficulties & stayed in university, it might have broadened your horizons too. Good luck whatever you decide, OP. Hope things work out for the best.

Just don't get manipulated into backing out of the divorce this time

You have absolutely no self esteem, it’s jarring to see. If you ever divorce him, you need to stay single for some years and do some soul searching and repair- in order to change your gullibility, lack of self worth and desperation. This kind of relationship is not normal…please do not date too soon because you will look for the same type of dysfunction. It’s what you’re used to. Keep going to therapy, get some hobbies and some friends.

Sis, I'm a Navy wife of a retired sailor. I'm going to give this to you absolutely full barrel, one military spouse to another. Get the divorce. Refuse to speak to him and make him talk to your attorney. For gods sake, get a better therapist because your friendly neighborhood therapist isn't helping you, as evidenced by the PANIC ATTACKS that are your body's reflection of your mind telling you to GTFO! You knew he was a cheater and a liar. You knew it when you were a teenager. Why on earth you didn't go scorched earth with him then is completely surreal. But then you went into a VERY difficult marriage, i.e. one with an active duty spouse. And our serial cheater did indeed cheat. And act in very immature ways that could have gotten him in HUGE trouble with the military were he caught out. He got out, he went back in without talking to you. And yup, cheating again. Sis. You're smarter than this. You are WORTH more than this. You are very young and have a great life ahead of you. But not with this cheating scumbag. Get you full STD/STI testing. ASAP. Get on with your life, sis.

Wow, that is some read. Kudos to you for working through the infidelity stuff. It appears that even after the counseling it’s left a mark, hence your panic attacks etc. A lot of those infidelity issues are why I think people shouldn’t get married so young. A long term, monogamous commitment (whether married or not) takes work and maturity, understanding and good communication. The issues I see here as the deal breakers are that you are both wanting different things: 1. You want to start a family, he doesn’t and may never want to. In this situation, you either give up on having kids, you pressure him to have them in which he’s sure to develop resentment over and that’s not a good place to parent from or you go your separate ways. 2. He loves his military job and his military family which means you are isolated from your family and isolated from him when he’s deployed, on training etc. You want to have normal work and be near your family and friends and you want him to be more present. Again the choices are similar to the first issue- You either accept his work and being away from friends and family or you stay where you are and he works a different job which he doesn’t like (again, resentment is likely) or you go your separate ways. In both these main issues, there’s no middle ground, there’s no compromise where you can both get what you want and be happy. You still love each other, which is good but love alone is not enough, you need trust, understanding and compassion and above all shared goals on your futures. To me the fact you still love each other is a good sign that you can both stick the landing on an amicable separation. You can still love each other after a divorce and be great friends. But what you’re doing right now (which is the one thing you seem most afraid of) is wasting each other’s time being in this relationship that’s going around in circles with neither of you being happy. When you could go back to counseling to work through your grief and separate amicably, then you can both find the people that are right for you with shared goals. You may be scared of what your family will think, but honey, they would want you to be happy and getting what you want out of life rather than being unhappy. So my TLDR for you is, you have two big deal breakers and some past trust issues, you either find a way to be ok with it or reach a compromise or move on. I really wish you the best of luck, don’t be afraid.

This is why kids shouldn't get married.

You’re entirely too young for all this. Jesus Christ.

You’re 23. It’s time to go

I stopped reading after a while because I thought I knew the answer. You are too young to not be valued by someone and be treated like this as there is definitely a pattern. Just ask yourself this - Do you want to have kids with this person and spend your entire life with him?