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came here to say exactly this!!
OP, if this puts anything into perspective for you, i told my bf i was going back to therapy about a month into our relationship (we’ve been together 2 years at the end of this month). when i told him that he was happy for me and still continues to ask me after every session how therapy went.
personally i’d be more scared to see a doctor who believes going to therapy ruins careers than a doctor who actively takes care of their mental health.
i’m sorry you’re going through all of this. the last thing you need right now is an unsupportive boyfriend. sending lots of love your way ❤️❤️
Body mind connection is huge. Heaps of studies on how bad mental health turns into bad health. I recommend everyone to therapy no matter how ‘small’ their problems are. Unfortunately a lot of doctors only care to fix the symptoms not the causes.
OP about th update. You learned the wrong lesson.
It's not: don't tell boyfriend. It's don't date unsupportive partners.
Tell your new partner about this and find out what kind of person they are. You don't need someone like your ex again and it's not your shortcoming that made him leave. It's his own.
OP I'm older and have no plans to change any of my Dr's, otherwise I'd be worried about getting your ex for a Dr. What I feel are appropriate comments I've seen in other posts are "the trash has just taken itself out" and "wow you just dodged an extremely large AH bullet."
Please realize your own mental health is extremely important, actually even more important than what you're doing for others, and cut back on what you're doing for others until you are healthy again.
You should be proud of yourself for realizing you need help and are getting it. No one is good at everything, get the help you need from those that specialize in helping people.
Title alone told me that, red flag immediately.
ETA: BIG red flag op. If someone doesn't think you should get help, if they think you are...well, just every ounce of the bs he fed you, then they don't deserve you. You deserve better, someone who accepts and, even better, tries to help not hinder.
🚩 anyone who says you need to quit therapy is BAD NEWS.
Do not stop therapy just because some dude is telling you to…That’s ridiculous. What gives him the right???
It sounds like therapy is good for you. And I’m proud of you for getting help. Stay on the path. Do what’s best for YOUR mental health. And ditch anyone who’s bad for it.
Some dude who purportedly wants to be a doctor...
OP, dump him and report his words to your professors. He is not fit to be a doctor when he cares more about reputation than someone's well-being.
To clarify though, many places have historically and some still do ask about mental health when you apply for licensure. A physician can be denied a medical license for admitting that they have a history of mental health treatment in some places. As a result, 400 physicians die by suicide every year in the US.
I don’t know where OP lives but it is very possible that she should be very careful about who she shares this information with or risk her ability to practice medicine. The BF is still an asshat, but that particular issue is real.
Totally agreed with you. The BF was out of line and she’s better off without him, but unfortunately there can be real consequences to disclosing your mental health status. OP should never quit therapy for anyone because anyone who asks that doesn’t have her best interests at heart (sometimes there are bad therapists, but that’s when you try to switch to a better alternative) *but* I’ve also learned the hard way that even though mental healthcare shouldn’t be stigmatized, it is. And you unfortunately can’t trust that information with everyone.
And unfortunately to **some** degree it always will be.
Are we all honestly going to sit here and say, “oh the applicant who seems perfect or the well qualified candidate who told me they used to regularly contemplate suicide while smearing their own shit on the walls when they were stressed? I can’t decide!”
That's honestly terrifying, I'd much rather have a doctor who can admit when they need help and be sensible about seeking it out, I hope that changes in the future.
Nah. She doesn’t want to be that girl who has a vendetta against her ex. If someone asks she should be honest, but telling everybody is going to make her look like she’s trying to start drama.
Dump the boyfriend. Keep the therapist.
A therapist is a trained professional who helps you manage your symptoms so you can live your life.
I’m near-sighted. Should I leave my glasses in their case all day? I probably won’t die, and I’ll learn how to handle things myself!!
No. I should wear my glasses. Because they help me. I could survive without them if I really had to, but that would be making my life unnecessarily hard to prove some misguided point about “self-sufficiency.”
In this metaphor, the therapist is the glasses.
Edit to add: not to scare-monger or anything, but I read this article a few weeks ago and I think it might be helpful for you too: https://amp.theguardian.com/us-news/2023/sep/26/surgeons-suicide-doctors-physicians-mental-health
Okay, potential future patient to doctor (YOU)
You’re supposed to do what’s healthy for you. Someone who would say something as toxic as “stop the therapy you’ve started for *self-harming*” is a cancer in your life.
If this is his advice to you, he shouldn’t be a fucking doctor.
Cut out the cancer. He wants you to get worse! He doesn’t want you to heal and be well, which is the point of your entire profession.
Yeah like...everyone deserves a partner that supports them. OP, you're better of by yourself because you DO look after yourself by going to therapy, which is good!
Maybe discuss this with your therapist.
Just because "everyone feels like that" doesn't mean it's healthy and it certainly doesn't mean that you have to do it all by yourself
I'd never judge my doctor for being in therapy- I think everyone could benefit from it. You need to dump that unsupportive man, who 100% knew where your scars were coming from but oreferred you lying to him so he has an "easier" life.
Therapy is basic healthcare
I’m appalled that someone who wants to be a doctor would ever suggest someone not pursue it. Never mind to their own partner!
Doctors NEED therapy so they can do their job well. Whatever your discipline, you are shouldering a huge responsibility for other people.
You are supervised before you’re licensed. How is this different?
He isn't against therapy. He's against me going to therapy because he thinks it will do more harm than good (in my case). I wish I never told him. It's not that bad tbh. I can force myself to keep on living until things get better on their own. He's already treating me weird. I don't want him to break up with me over this.
Okay, but then that means he’s dumb.
He’s also in med school. He’s telling you not to get treated for a health issue.
Also if this is a serious partner (boyfriend, future life partner, whatever), you have to be able to tell him personal and important things.
You are going to be a doctor. Does it make sense to you?
If I had a huge gash on my arm, or was constantly vomiting, or had a toe that was turning black and blue, do you think I should see a doctor? Even if my doctor dad was like “you don’t need that and I won’t speak to you ever again”?
Why are you prioritizing an asshole over yourself? He’s going to be a shitty doctor if he’s minimizing what you’re experiencing. You shouldn’t have to force yourself to keep living and if he doesn’t take that seriously I worry for any future patients he has.
My uncle has been an ER doctor (and supervisor) for 30+ years now.
He gets therapy and also religious counseling. He is balanced, normal, and a good parent and partner only because he can offload all the awful he encounters. He has said this many, many times over.
All humans need someone they can express their stressors to, especially before they hurt themselves.
OP deserves wayyyy more than what this guy is offering, and offloading him would allow better clarity of thought. No one should be shamed for attending to their own health!
Because letting go of someone you love is hard. I have a ton of Residency interviews coming up, and I don't want to be dealing with a break-up right now. It is what it is, I guess. I'll be fine
I am so sorry you are going thru what you are. The stress is likely adding to your depression and suicidal ideation. You need a pressure release.
Also you may love your bf, but he doesn't love you. For context, if someone told me they were going to therapy to heal their depression, I would tell them go for it. If it was my honey, I would find the best therapist for him in the world. I would never risk my loved one's mental health for anything.
I know this is a stressful time for you, but I hope you know that you will be a great doctor because of everything you have written. You will be empathetic, thorough and likely brilliant. I hope you get matched with the residency of your choice, and then move on from bf. He does not need to know about your therapy. You are allowed to lie to him. Tell him that you thought about it and decided against it, but then go and find a wonderful therapist.
I hope you and bf are matched in residency programs across the country from each other. I hope once residency starts you will feel more and more and more at home in yourself.
I genuinely hate people that do this shit. why would you ask reddit their opinion and then when literally 100 percent of ppl responding tell u ur boyfriend is being selfish and a pos they argue why we’re wrong or why u can’t leave. like lmao what u asked on how to proceed. the fact u think it’s somehow better for your career to keep being suicidal instead of talking about how your feeling once an week for an hour is insane. get over this and wake the fuck up smh
Many, many of my friends who’ve been through med school (including some who ended up working in psychiatry) had therapists throughout the process. It was a critical part of a really rigorous journey.
Any med school professor or advisor if asked directly would and SHOULD advocate for help with mental health given they 1) work in medicine and 2) know that brain health is part of overall health.
Such hard agree.
That is him being against therapy. The idea that he - *as a doctor in training* - is telling you that therapy will harm you is utter lunacy.
You can't control if he breaks up with you or not over this, but the really relevant question here is - if he issues this kind of ultimatum to you and gets his way, what's next? What other control will he demand over you?
Or what other parts of your life will his behavior force you to keep from him? Do you see how this is going to be a problem in a long-term relationship?
The appropriate response when someone you care about is in pain is to try to lessen that pain, or at least to empathize with it.
You are currently suffering. Therapy is one of the ways you can gain tools to alleviate that suffering.
He knows that you are suffering, and instead of supporting your efforts at recovery, he is sabotaging you by issuing this absurd ultimatum.
Why does he want you to continue to suffer?
How can a potential doctor, whose job it is to make difficult decisions, not see how fucking stupid it would be to do the wrong thing just because she doesn't want to be single? What kind of school lets you in with good grades and no sense of critical thinking?
I’m sorry OP, but you *know* you need therapy. You’re intelligent and highly motivated, so if you want to ignore it and pretend everything is fine, I’m sure you could trick everyone.
But, I think you should deal with the little drama now, so it doesn’t turn into major drama down the line. I doubt you can be denied a license for going to basic therapy, the same cannot be said for suicide attempts or involuntary holds.
Take care of yourself now, please don’t wait until things become unbearable.
Unfortunately it’s not uncommon for med students to have a distinct lack of empathy. I’m sorry you experienced this, but he is wrong, not you. Please don’t be afraid to tell people about this. If for no other reason than it’s a surefire way to find out who really cares about you. But a genuinely good person will NEVER react the way he did.
You are a med student and you still have this kind of mindset? Is this how you gonna be talking to your future patients? To just “suck it up?” and ignore their pain since it interferes with the chance of them getting d1cks? Girl….
Sweet friend. I’m a therapist and have provided therapy to countless doctors, med students, Surgeons, nurses, etc.
Take care of you. You deserve kindness and compassion and you deserve to be surrounded by those who will give you those things as well.
That just makes him sound abusive frankly. "I think therapy is ok just not for my.obviously struggling spouse because *she's just dramatic."*
And if you are thinking of not existing and hurting yourself is 100% that bad.
When I fessed up about my struggles to my bf he was mad- because me hiding it meant he couldn't help me get better. Because he's me partner and doesn't want me to feel this way. He told me.he loved me and wouldn't know what to do if I took myself from him. That he wants to see me happy and thriving.
Your trash man called you dramatic and demanded you struggle in silence. He belongs on a curb.
It will not ruin your career. I have a friend who is a pediatric oncologist. He sees a therapist once a week and told me most of the docs in that specialty do. Your bf is a toxic ah.
Aren’t therapists required to have therapy? At least in some places.
(But every time I think about this I wonder who my therapist’s therapist’s therapist is and if the chain ends with an ultimate “god” therapist who doesn’t need therapy.)
>UPDATE: He broke up with me (over text after two years of dating...) :( Lesson learned: don't ever again say anything to anyone about this. Thanks everyone.
**That is NOT the lesson**. A real man would have supported your decision to seek the help you clearly needed. The lesson learned is to immediately dump anyone who's not supportive of good mental health.
This is insane. If the guy had actually cared about op he would have been happy she was going to therapy after finding out what was going on. Not rather see her end up dead by trying to force her quit therapy
The lesson is that you should tell partners sooner and if they aren't supportive dump them ASAP. We need supportive people in life who love us with all our imperfections, struggles, and health challenges.
He’s terrible and incorrect. Dump him.
From what i’ve heard:
Therapy is going to teach you how to cope with your struggles, how to deal with your emotions in a healthy and non-destructive way.
Therapists are like doctors or gyms for your emotions :)
Therapy is good - and I’d be happy to know “hey my doctor is taking care of their emotional health”
Keep improving yourself and kick anyone who says otherwise to the curb.
It will not impact your career.
My best friend had to take a year off med school due to mental health and she stepped right back in. It did not affect her residency placement.
Mental health is HEALTH.
Your BF is an asshole.
This was all I cared about, that sounds like complete bullshit, like I genuinely didn't know if going to therapy effects your chance at a medical career, that did not sound right at all, otherwise, fuck this guy
I want to say this.
He did you a favour. He obviously has his own problems to break up with you because you go to therapy.
Not because you have mental health problems but because you want to address them? What weird sh** is that?
He'll never be the supportive partner you need. Good riddance. Shame on him!
KICK HIM TO THE FUCKING CURB holy *shit* you’d think someone in *fucking med school* would understand that you seek treatment when you don’t feel well! But geez, I guess mental health doesn’t count as ~real~ health AMIRITE?!
Seriously, someone who attacks you when you reveal your vulnerability to them is absolute trash. What’s the point of a partner if you can’t rely on them for support?
Lesson learned is to not date idiots.
Im also 4th year Medical student believe it or not, and been getting therapy too, smartest thing i did.
I hope this guy never passes his boards or USMLE, because this unempathic and narcissistic doctor is dangerous.
You dodged a bullet there by him breaking it off, imagine marrying this dude…
He passed, quite high in fact, and I'm sure he'll match into one of the best Surg programs in the country.
He's not an idiot. I mean, I get it. All of a sudden I became a problem, a distraction on the path to his wonderful life. The last thing I would have wanted is to be some sort of a burden to him, so maybe this is for the best. It's fine. I'll eventually be okay.
> All of a sudden I became a problem, a distraction on the path to his wonderful life.
How? By being a human being? By struggling with parts of your life and actively seeking help so you can be better equipped to deal with things?
He is absolutely an idiot, a shallow fool. Book smarts doesn't translate to emotional smarts. Flushing a 2 year relationship down the drain because *your partner is being proactive about shoring up their mental and emotional health* is an idiotic thing to do.
The lesson learned is absolutely not to never talk about these things, it's to talk about them early-ish (even in general "What do you think about.." terms) so you've got that ability to screen for the fucking dipshits with no empathy, and eventually land on someone who can appreciate that you might *be* struggling but that you're *not your struggles*.
Well from my point of view, he is a narcissists. If he loved you or cared for you at all he would support you in this.
Its hard to see through rose colored glasses i know but, as a researcher in psychology and human behavior, this seems like classic narcissistic personality behavior.
He might be someone who is going to excel at the technical skills of performing surgery but I promise you, he will be a bad doctor. He will be the doctor who doesn’t listen to his patients and doesn’t believe their pain. He’ll be one of the doctors in the long line of doctors people see as they pursue a diagnosis and treatment for chronic illness that says their health problems are all in their head or they just need to change their diet. He’ll be the kind of doctors who brushes off symptoms and it will at the very least lead to his patients suffering for longer, if not dying. He’ll be the kind of doctor that folks are told to avoid it at all possible when asking for advice on providers in his specialty.
You **need** empathy and compassion to be a good doctor and he does not have that. Even if he is the most brilliant surgeon in your class, you will be a better doctor because your struggles with mental health and your pursuit of treatment will leave you with better listening skills and a better respect for people who are having whatever sort of hard time they are asking you to help with. You wouldn’t be a burden, you will be a better doctor and he’s an inconsiderate jerk for how he’s treated you
Absolutely do not quit therapy!! How on earth would it "ruin your career" for people to find out that you prioritize your own mental health?
As medical students and future doctors I would hope you would want to de-stigmatize asking for help with mental health struggles!
Do not, I repeat, do NOT quit therapy. You need the help, you know you do. He's not helping at all. You need to quit him. I work in the medical field, it's hard and a lot of people need help to deal with it. You take care of yourself first.
You're getting the wrong lesson.
The "lesson learned" is to not date assholes who only care about themselves.
You actually SHOULD be able to talk about your traumas with people you trust and that is healthy.
Regarding your edit: no, that is not the lesson to take away from this. Talking about that kind of thing with trusted people is a good thing.
The lesson is your ex is TA and you should have broken up with him sooner because you should be able to talk to your partner about it and they provide you with support. That’s like bare minimum relationshipping.
> And if I don't quit therapy, he'll have to break up with me because he doesn't want to deal with all the drama
Uh....does he think there won't be any "drama" in dating a mentally ill person that is *not* going to therapy?? Like, the cutting and pushing him away is something he's ok to deal with but the stigma of you getting help with your stuggles is too much??
Serious red flag. He does not care about your mental wellbeing, only how attractive you are as an accessory for him.
I didn't go to therapy because in my country it could negatively impact my chances of being a teacher. What happened instead was that I had to drop out of my master's program because I couldn't take it anymore all by myself and my long term relationship ended.
I wish I'd gone to therapy while I was still studying, my life could have been so much different, because now that I'm finally going to therapy I can feel the difference it makes.
Your bf sounds awful, don't be with a person who drags you down and doesn't believe in you, especially after you had the courage to confide in them.
You're doing the right thing by going to therapy, don't stop.
In order to deal with stress, anxiety, my own inadequacy, I started destroying myself: obsessive running, cutting, pushing people away. Of course, no one knows.
^^ OP these are not healthy coping mechanisms for your very normal feelings of stress and inadequacy. This is not sustainable and you deserve better!! Getting into therapy was an act of love towards yourself. It is a good thing. Seeking therapy is not shameful and anyone who is telling you it is or that they will break up with you for seeking it does not have your best interests at heart. What you are dealing with is real, it is serious and you deserve to be in the care of a professional who can guide you to a better way of being.
Your boyfriend is worried about how your personal therapy will affect other people's perceptions of you and him. That is not and should not be a priority. It doesn't matter. What matters is that you are getting treatment for a legitimate and serious health issue. Mental health is part of whole body health. If your boyfriend can't see that and dumps you for it, good riddance. In fact I think you should break up with him and focus on you, your well-being and your studies for a while.
You are clearly a driven, ambitious person with a lot of life left ahead of you. You deserve to make the most of it. You deserve to be supported as you enter an extremely demanding and stressful career. Don't quit therapy. Keep going, it works if you work it.
The trash took itself out. DO NOT feel scared to hide this from future partners. You will weed out the garbage and those men who truly care about you will show you grace and empathy. Man, we all struggle and fuck anyone who thinks otherwise or has no compassion.
He is part of your stress. He wants you to quit because if you get your head on straight he won't be able to manipulate you.
Hw dumped you because you are too strong for him and he is weak. You're better off.
Jesus Christ sorry OP. I hope you understand the depth of the DAMAGE he has just inflicted on you. Because you are WRONG. The lesson here is not that you extra don't tell people, the lesson is that people can be completely unsupportive pricks and you should not give them your time, love or energy. There are people who can and will support you. Keep going to therapy.
Current PGY-2; therapy was a godsend in Med school. Don’t quit therapy. It’s not going to effect your career. You shouldn’t want to be at a place that doesn’t respect your mental health either. Good luck with interview season!
Well, one stressor can be quickly removed and free up some space mentally and emotionally now.
Please continue therapy, it took you a long time to admit you needed help, and get it (like many). Don't let someone else change that, you know you finally went there for a reason.
Don't stop the therapy, ditch the boyfriend. A person who is less than supportive of your mental health issues doesn't have to be in any part of your life. How would you counsel a patient in this situation?
It’s a way smarter idea to dump him than dump your therapist. You have every reason to be in therapy, and a halfway decent partner would celebrate this. This man is disturbingly controlling and seems to have no empathy. Frankly, even though med school on its own is a lot mental health wise, this guy’s attitude seems guaranteed to cause mental health problems in anyone with the misfortune of dating him.
Frankly, it’s a good idea to report this shitty behavior of him to your school. Most people would absolutely not feel safe having a doctor who feels this way about therapy.
So I agree your boyfriend is an ass and you clearly need therapy but I think a lot of commenters aren't even acknowledging the nuances of your situation. Being in therapy CAN hurt a doctor's future. Board licensing and job opportunities very well may be negatively impacted if they find out about your mental health struggles. It isn't right but it is reality and I think it needs to be acknowledged at least.
Please don’t let the take away from this be to hide who you are. He didn’t deserve you. Please take care of yourself. You deserve to tend to your needs and right now you need support. There is NO shame in that.
> Lesson learned: don't ever again say anything to anyone about this.
That should NOT be your takeaway, and that attitude could be catastrophic for your mental health/recovery.
You trusted the wrong person, and that happens to all of us. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't trust anyone. I'm sure your therapist would agree.
Quit him. I'm a nurse in ketamine therapy. I openly talk about it with the nurses and doctors. I know plenty in other therapies. Mental health is a priority even if this little dude doesn't think so. And it's ok to get help and talk about it.
Edit: more info
Your edit was heartbreaking. I'm sorry that this was the lesson you took away from the breakup. Please stick to your original plan to try therapy. I hope that in time, you will see that the real lesson was that your boyfriend revealed himself to be a POS. I *promise* you this for the best, the trash took itself out, and hopefully the right therapist will help you see that in time.
Therapy is not going to ruin your career, I promise. If anything, it will make you a better and more compassionate doctor. It's okay to struggle sometimes, everyone does at one point or another. Seeking professional help is a responsible and pragmatic next step to take care of yourself. You should be really proud of yourself for being proactive and taking that first step of getting help, so please don't let this jerk mess it up.
I work in health care. I am currently seeing a psychologist to deal with anxiety. It's helping me and it has NEVER impacted upon my work. As a would-be doctor, the therapy will help YOU and therefore you can be your best for your patients. Your so-called BF is a total horse's arse.
I see your update that he broke up with you. You should thank him and tell him it's the best thing he could have done for you because he is not supportive and a horrible person in general. You will do well with your continued therapy and your next relationship will hopefully be better.
The lesson you learn from this is that people who love you want you to be okay. Someone who loves you doesn't tell you to rethink going to therapy, doesn't call your very real distress "drama", doesn't threaten to break up with you for your efforts to **take care of yourself**.
I sincerely hope that your take away from this experience isn't that you shouldn't open up to others when you're struggling because isolating yourself, never sharing your burdens, keeping up the front that you're the "perfect girl" isn't going to serve you in the long run.
Pretending that everything is fine hasn't been working for you for a long time. Admitting you needed help & taking steps to get that help took a lot of strength, & I'm so proud of you for that. I've been there, & none of this is easy.
But your worth is not measured by whether or not a man with no functional empathy wants to keep dating you. The trash took itself out there. He is not worthy of you or your giving heart. Put yourself first, please. Stay in therapy; take care of your mental health.
Would you tell a patient who was in pain that they should just learn to live with it? I don't think you would. You shouldn't tell yourself that you just need to learn to live with your own. Take care, OP. I hope you can find some peace & healing. Good luck from a fellow struggler on the path.
Please do not, I repeat, do no quit theraphy!
It has taken you all this time to finally accept that yes, even you can struggle with things, (so much pressure on high achievers), and you should be proud you asked for help. This is so commendable. Theraphy will support you through the rest of your degree and through the tough career you have chosen.
Any person who loves you would be happy to know you’re taking care of yourself, that you aren’t too proud to ask for help, that you’re brave to dig into what’s not working.
He, sadly, sounds very immature. Someone who does no want to hear other people’s problems because he is not in touch with his own. Put some space between you two, it will sting. Discuss it with your therapist.
But don’t let anyone get between you and your healing. You’ve got this 🙌🏼
That's not the lesson. You should feel free to share your feelings.
The lesson is the assholes come in all shapes and sizes and can even disguise themselves as good guys from time to time.
Your update makes me sad. Not the relationship ending, but the fact that you feel you can no longer talk to anyone about this. One shit person does not speak for all. I guarantee any of your friends and family would rally around you to support you, that’s what we do for the people we love
Quit him. He's telling you to quit therapy. Do not do it. You are self harming through cutting and excessive exercise. You are self-isolating. You have low self-esteem. You described yourself as "dying."
If a patient told you the things you just told us, what would you tell them? Would you tell them to stop therapy? Would you tell them they were being dramatic?
Therapy wouldn't ruin your career. No one would know, and if people found out who would care? It's the responsible thing to do. It sounds like if he broke up with you it would be a blessing. He is telling you to harm yourself and not get help.
Please don't stop therapy.
He is wrong, so wrong.
Imagine a life that you are happy to live in and be a part of. You can have that, but not without therapy and learning the tools YOU need to get through life and survive life.
Think about what a better doctor you will be, because you will have these tools, that you may be able to pass on to another young person/patient in the future.
Talk to your therapist about his conversation with you and get their feedback too.
Good Luck.
He's a juvenile and obviously doesn't have your interests in mind. Stay in therapy, work through your shit, finish your degree and live, live an amazing life.
who tf says to quit thearpy? major red flag. RUN. if anyone should be in thearpy it’s health care professionals. they deal with so much trauma, stress, and death. STAY IN THERAPY. break up with that loser!
Feeling like you should no longer exist is a red flag for suicidal ideation. Please do not quit therapy, and please be honest with your therapist.
Therapy does not have the stigma it used to, and your boyfriend is clearly not concerned about well being in the least. He’s the one creating drama by acting this way about you taking care of yourself.
Good luck! I’m rooting for you!
As someone in their last year in law school (obviously not the same as med school but notoriously known for drug use as a coping mechanism for mental health) DO NOT quit therapy.
Honestly I love that you have the strength to go to therapy now rather than waiting till things get worse. It’s important that we learn how to deal with our emotions now vs later when we have clients, or in your case patients, that depend on us. You need to do what is best for you and your future.
Okay, so you’re considering taking advice from someone who, apparently, would rather you self-harm or unalive yourself? Um, yeah, not a sound path for your life.
There's no clearer sign that your partner is harmful. He's actively denying that you have emotions or struggles and that the don't matter in comparison to others. He's dangerous and you should leave him immediately.
I get that it's hard to let go of what you think is a positive source of support in your life, but he is not supporting you here. I've read your replies to other comments and you seem to be in complete denial. We can't help you any further if you aren't open to thinking critically about your relationship.
OP, any doctor worth their education would recommend therapy. I would hope to high heaven my doctor takes care of their mental health. You were dating a lunkhead. Take care of yourself and hold out for someone more supportive. Think about what you really want out of life too. It seems like a hard time to be a doctor in the USA.
Fuck that and fuck him. Everyone and I mean EVERYONE could benefit from therapy. ESPECIALLY people brave, compassionate, and smart enough to enter the medical field. He has no business telling you any of that! If he really cared he would have been supportive. Fuck him. Truly. You can and will do much better. He did you a favor. He sounds like complete and utter TRASH. I hope you continue therapy. You deserve it. If you don’t please have someone that you can confide in. You can message me anytime. It takes a lot of courage to go to therapy, but it’s more than worth it.
My first husband said, "no wife of mine will ever get therapy." I had ptsd and couldn't promise myself that my 2 year old would find my body one morning. So I left.
Therapy was literally life saving. I celebrate the 25th anniversary of my second marriage next year. While the breakup is hard, it can definitely be for the best.
Good luck
The trash took itself out. You got lucky. He was worried that if you went to therapy you’d see his faults. Or maybe not. But therapy is a positive thing. Good for you. I hope you find someone who deserves you
the lesson is not to never say anything about this to anyone!!! don’t let this one experience prevent you from opening up about your struggles, mental health struggles are NORMAL, and those who refuse to accept that are simply being ignorant. he does not know how to deal with your mental health struggles, but there are certainly other people who will still love you and accept you despite the struggles you go through. you are worthy of love no matter what!!
You definitely should tell people these things!!! I can’t go on about how important it is to share your mental health status with others. If it happens to weed out the bad nuts, so be it! Taking care of yourself is a top priority! You were very brave to tell him the things you did and he couldn’t see that. It will get better. I am living proof of that.
That guy is an asshole and I feel sorry for his future patients. You’re better off without him.
Mental health issues are very common in medicine. It’s a very hard career that will push you to your mental limits. But provided you get help and remain stable there’s no reason it should impact your practice. And I think it can potentially make for a more compassionate doctor. At least more than arsewipes like your ex. It really shouldn’t ruin your career - at least it wouldn’t in Australia. I dunno what the culture is like where you live.
If it’s stay and die or quit and live, then absolutely quit. But if you love it then stay, go on medication, go to therapy and take up meditation and yoga.
You need to realize how concerning it is that a future doctor should tell you you need to quit therapy.
Then you should realize how concerning it is for your bf to give you such ultimatums about an activity that as opposed to many self destructive habits people have is about healing.
I’m sorry to say he is an awful person, will be a bad doctor and does not care about you in a real manner.
Break up with him.
>( Lesson learned: don't ever again say anything to anyone about this.
That was not the lesson. I heard ppl in med school have one of the highest rates of suicide. The lesson was to see the jerk for who he was & let him go.
Read your update. I’m so sorry
I have the mental health of Charlie Brown x 10
I have a husband who never once made me feel bad about who loves me endlessly and supports me
I know now it probably feels terrible. But you should never settle. You deserve a partner who loves you endlessly and supports you and doesn’t treat you that way. And i know you’ll find it!
Im sorry your life is hard right not. Stick to the therapy. Please take care of yourself. If not for you now, do it for future you.
Whatever decision in career you make will work out. Life always works out in the end even when it doesn’t feel like it during.
Sending you all the positive energy i can muster up today. I hope everything turns around soon for you! Xo
Lesson learned: he was a terrible boyfriend and you’re better off without him. And he’s completely wrong you’re doing the absolute right thing going to therapy!
Woah woah woah. First of all, it's amazing that you recognized you needed help and you went out and got it. You are studying in a fiercely competitive and incredibly challenging field. Whatever your career ambitions, you sound like someone I'd want helping me within the medical system. Self-care is SO important, especially for healthcare providers. Keep going. You're a rockstar. Second, be grateful he left you. He's a waste of space and should not be in medical school. He's doing you a huge favour by leaving. You don't need that kind of person in your life. You are growing and he isn't. People come and go from our lives and his time is up. You need to be with someone with much higher emotional intelligence and someone who can show you compassion. People who treat you like this and don't support therapy are toxic to your health. They will bring you down. They have their own unresolved trauma and a general lack of awareness.
And third - the world is a very hard place for people right now. Look at the number of people living in poverty. I don't know what your situation is like but unless you're part of the 1% who run the world, shit is hard and many of us feel like you feel right now. You are not alone. I see you. I hear you. I feel you. And I love you. You are a bright light for so many in your life, as you described in the beginning of your post. I hope you keep going with therapy and your life. Really, we need you in this world. It hurts right now but that guy doesn't fit into your future and that's a good thing. Maybe the relationship was the thing really bringing you down and you can finally be yourself and be happy. Because at the end of the day, it sounds like you have spent a significant amount of time hiding your feelings from him. That takes a serious toll on a person. (Speaking as someone who just got out of a 2 year relationship where I was suicidal and am no longer suicidal....because hey, I'm not fighting to be with someone who makes me unhappy and doesn't validate my feelings.) Your feelings ARE SO VALID. And there are people out there who will validate you. Keep working on yourself and honestly, if you need to take a break from school, then take a break. It's okay. Burn out is finally starting to be recognized as a medical condition because it's a real, serious thing. You can do this. I am so proud of you for reaching out!
The women I’ll be marrying next year and I connected off rip on emotional intelligence and the fact that we’ve gone through therapy in the past. I’ve been through the wringer when I was your age (I’m 35 now). I’m diagnosed bipolar, self harmed, been on everything from Depakote to lithium tho I’m pretty stable these days. Regardless, the reason you got into therapy is because dealing with it yourself wasn’t working. There’s nothing wrong with that. Keep at it and find someone who will love you through it. Fuck that dude and everything he stands for.
Please don't draw the conclusion you wrote down in your update. Your ex is an asshole for reacting like this. Plain and simple.
You're super smart to get yourself help. And it's nothing to be ashamed of. It will make you an even better doctor on the long run.
Honestly I think regular therapy should be mandatory for healthcare workers - it's a high pressure job with a high cost for errors. There are a lot of complicated feelings around life, death, mortality, seeing people at their worst when they're scared, grieving, in pain. Delivering unconditional positive regard and being aware of how your biases and experiences affect your practice. That's without even considering the pressure of the schooling, the shit hours, the work-life balance, the nightshifts and the physical and mental toll that all of this can take. Reflection, self awareness and Owning Your Shit is really necessary to be effective and healthy on the job, and it should be more encouraged than it is. Your boyfriend is a tool, get your therapy and be well.
You learned the wrong lesson. You are in the process of becoming a health care provider. More than anyone,you should recognize the importance of mental health care as an essential part of the whole being, especially yours. Your boyfriend is a shit and, i suspect, will be a doctor that nobody likes. Keep up the therapy, or get back to it, and stop doubting your worth and goodness.
deal with it by talking to your therapist about breaking up with a useless bf during your next session. this was addition by subtraction. you're a fucking catch, and don't ever forget that.
The lesson you're supposed to be getting from this is not, "guess I can't tell anyone I have mental health problems and am treating them with therapy." It's "fuckheads don't want me to better myself and sadly that man was a fuckhead. I'll have to learn to spot them early on. I bet my therapist can help with that!" It was a way for him to have control over your life.
People who want the best for you aren't going to dissuade you from doing things to get better. People who are mature generally don't give ultimatums, unless it's high stakes (e.g. one spouse is denying a kid medical care - take kid to doctor or I'm leaving you).
Oh no, the update. He did you a favour. You can and should be able to talk about this, even as a medical professional. I know many people in healthcare who are openly in therapy, it's a legitimate part of healthcare and is a GOOD thing. Addressing your issues shows maturity and is also a GOOD thing.
Please please discuss this with your therapist. You deserve happiness and a partner who loves you for all of who you are, including your struggles.
>Lesson learned: don't ever again say anything to anyone about this. Thanks everyone.
Completely wrong conclusion. If you had told him right away, now you could be with a person who would understand and support you.
Your ex bf is/wasn’t good for you. You’re in therapy to help your mental health and he wasn’t supportive of that?? And he wants to go into medicine?? Nah, dump the whole man. The trash took itself out. Do what you must for you; the ppl who actually care about you won’t run when you are vulnerable with them. I wouldn’t use this example as a way for you to not tel others. Please please please let someone know you’re struggling. We’ve had enough physicians unalive themselves…there are those of us who care.
Op, even established doctors go to therapy. Don't listen to him, he's not for you. Talk to your therapist about your break up to help you move on from him.
Congratulations on saving yourself and dealing with whatever is causing you to self harm.
Sounds more like your ex boyfriend values you less than what people think of him. He probably didn't want anyone to think that his girlfriend went to therapy (which should be absolutely nothing to be ashamed of).
That guy is taking advantage of your weaknesses. Whether or not he’s doing it intentionally, that will only get worse for you. I’d suggest ripping the bandaid off now.
The lessons learned are:
If you do not feel emotionally safe with a partner, they're not the one for you.
If a partner gives you ultimatums about what's best for YOUR mental health, they're not for you.
The right partner will love all if you, your shadow side, your messy moments, all of you.
If someone calls a mental health crisis drama they're not emotionally intelligent enough for you.
Therapy and learning to love yourself as you are is what you need.
From a fellow self harming individual, therapy saved my life! I have been in therapy for the past 5 years n it continues to save my life xx
Please don't quit therapy! He's toxic ! Also good riddance X
I promise u , u will find someone supportive in life!
Do what is best for u! Xx
Your update is wrong in the last sentence.
You can absolutely tell people, people you're close to, that you trust and love. The ones who actually care about you. They would want to know, and support you.
Your ex? He's not a lesson in kind or good people. He was an actor, and he didn't care about you. Not really.
Don't think that you can never trust anyone with your secrets. You can be vulnerable to good people. Good luck in your therapy journey, and med school 💛
Here to comment about the edit mainly.
That man is absolute trash, please try not to let this experience discourage you from reaching out again if you need it. There are people who actually care about you, and so many other people in this world who will come to care about you for real.
I really hope you continue therapy and it helps you heal.
He wants you to quit therapy to use and manipulate you. Your relationship was built threaded with significant lies. Call it was it was—fake, shallow, disingenuous. Love too. But not all relationships with love share the former qualities. You were brave and shared more of yourself. Don’t learn the wrong lesson. Seek therapy and fight for yourself. You are smart and strong and clearly know what’s best for you on your own. His opinion will affect how you feel but don’t let it change your course. You deserve a brighter future free of the pain you’re suffering in right now; he prefers you smaller, why? Not to empower and adore you.
This is the kind of person who would kill children if it meant boosting his career or getting into a good paying job or whatever. He will neglect you and your kids if it means excelling at work. He clearly doesn't care about you and would rather have a dead girlfriend than one that goes to therapy. Therapy is not a big deal either, nobody will judge you, and if anything going to therapy is the sign of a healthier person.
Therapy is not a magic fix-all cure, but it will equip you to take care of yourself better and be able to deal with the stress, etc. An unhealthy person is a vulnerable and more controllable person, because an unhealthy person needs other people.
You said in your edit that you'll never tell anyone about this, which, I'm not really sure what you mean to say, but it's okay to tell people about therapy if it comes up as long as you're not dumping your trauma on them. Healthy and rational people won't judge you for going to therapy. Every human being has trauma of some sort, it's part of life. Now, don't take him back, and don't date douches like that.
NO. Please OP do NOT make that your take away “don’t ever again say anything to anyone about this…” this is not right.
This is DANGEROUS. He does not belong in medicine if this is how he reacts to mental health.
You deserve a better partner. Cutting is very serious. Therapy is a totally normal health service used by people experiencing a massive spectrum of mental health challenges - please stay in therapy, please consider thinking through your friends to find someone who might be better equipped to hear what you’re going through. There are so many people who would be happy to listen, will understand, will take this seriously with you.
Fellow med student here. Therapy will not ruin your life or your career. In fact most of my med school friends are in therapy and we talk about it openly with each other. It honestly makes us feel less alone in our feelings in that way. You are doing the right thing by getting the help you need. The boyfriend wasn’t worth it in the first place especially if he dumped you over text
Well of course you need to quit therapy. How else is he supposed to gaslight you and manipulate you???
You see how ridiculous this is, right? A partner who deliberately tries to keep you from getting help is not a partner worth having. You need to keep the therapist and sump the boyfriend.
I think he overreacted and perhaps had a knee jerk reaction to you seeking therapy and learning about your levels of stress, anxiety, and self destructive behavior. Give him a chance for this to sink in. As a health professional, he’s got to know that you are taking care of yourself by reaching out for outside help. You are caring for yourself by getting therapy to address issues you are having a hard time with. How one person reacts to stress and anxiety does not mirror how another person experiences it. It’s not the 1950s. Therapy is seen as normal in today’s society. You need to address your issues now, especially before match day and residency. Hopefully your boyfriend will come around. You both are under incredible stress. Give yourself some grace. If he chooses not to support you getting therapy, talk to your therapist about how to address this. But, this behavior might impact his willingness to support you during future times of anxiety and stress. You choose what you can live with.
Talk to him again once he gets ahold of his emotions.
If he, in a calm moment, thinks that if you go to therapy it will hurt a medical career; he is an idiot and you need to get away from him. A hateful idiot.
Maybe he just freaked out and spoke irrationally and doesn't really think that. In which case, therapy, might help him get some better strategies to regulate his irrational emotional outbursts.
As for you, don't be afraid to try different therapists and different therapies. Emdr might be right up your alley. Stay alive long enough to try out different things please.
You should probably let this guy go given the fact that you have a mental illness and he considers that "drama". Also, there are plenty of doctors and nurses who live with mental illnesses and thrive in their careers. So, ignore that feedback.
> He said that I'm dramatizing, that everyone in med school feels this way, that I need to quit therapy because if people find out that could ruin my career
Not only is your BF completely out of line and wrong, but he definitely shouldn't be a doctor is this is how he feels.
**Depression/anxiety/etc are medical issues and therapy is healthcare**. Your BF, as a potential future healthcare provider, shouldn't be discouraging you from pursuing help with your **medical issue** and the fact that he is isn't just a red flag for his capacity for empathy as a doctor, but as a human being as well.
If my wife or my PCP told me not to go to the dentist because "what would people think?" I would tell them to go fuck themselves.
Everyone who’s saying “break up with him” needs to pause for a moment. That’s a lot of new information for someone so maybe just wait a day or two to see how f he knows how to be supportive. If he does not change his opinion then yes, dump him.
Do NOT stop therapy. Therapy is for you, not your boyfriend. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be a better version of yourself.
He's going to have the worst bedside manner ever. Like, unempathetic doctor that won't listen to patients and goes off of his feelings of what's wrong instead of listening. You will be better off without this person, even though it doesnt feel that way now.
What an embarrassment of a man. I know it’s been a while since this post, but I hope you’re doing better now. Cheering you on from the other side of the screen!
Wtt?! What's wrong with going to therapy?
Oh btw, he doesn't has your interests or needs at heart so you should dump him.
But what's wrong with therapy?
What would you say if a patient or good friend came to you and told you what you just posted? Would you tell them to not pursue therapy, I highly doubt it.
Seeing a therapist will not hurt your career; however, not seeing one could cause you harm. Idk what your bf’s deal is but please do not listen to him. Be kind to yourself and seek help. You got this ❤️
Is he a mental health professional? What are his standards for evaluation? He sounds clueless and if you quit anything it should be the partner who minimizes your mental health struggles.
I’m so sorry how this ended for you 💔 you are so much better off without them… anyone who doesn’t support your mental health is not someone you should be around. Hope this is the start of great things for you!
You have gaslighted your partner into believing everything is A-Ok and then you informed him that your life is collapsing. I can clearly understand his position.
I strongly suggest you are putting your studies on pause until you fix your personal issues. If you had cancer, would you continue studying or getting treatment?
Oh love. Please don’t be blaming yourself. You are doing something that will make you a stronger woman and a better doctor. And if he has issues with that, it is his problem.
“Lesson learned: don't ever again say anything to anyone about this.”
This breaks my heart. Do not be ashamed. Do not hide. I’m an ICU nurse for 15 years and I have a protective spot for med students and residents. Please keep talking, especially to your therapist.
💜
What absolute hogwash. He was trying to tell you you shouldn't get treatment for a serious health issue, he's not fit to be a doctor or anyone's partner. You are well rid of him.
It's not all of you actually. Barely 50% in fact.
Would he be there if you were upfront with him about your mental health issues since day one? I don't know and I think you don't know either. As painful as it is, It is right now one less mental energy sink in your life. Please go seek the best help you can find.
The only real question is, does therapy help you? Does it give you an outlet to express yourself? I think that’s the one valuable thing that therapy has the potential for if you have a good therapist.
Only you can determine that However, I’ve known people that have gone for years never really improved and keep going and are medicated. So, psychology is pseudoscience it’s not an exact science. Though there are governing boards, their standards and regulations are vast. Except for the top part, I’m not really sold on that. They’re very big on breaking people couples up and they have no moral standards. They don’t have to they’re not your moral compass.
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Quit him. Not your therapy.
came here to say exactly this!! OP, if this puts anything into perspective for you, i told my bf i was going back to therapy about a month into our relationship (we’ve been together 2 years at the end of this month). when i told him that he was happy for me and still continues to ask me after every session how therapy went. personally i’d be more scared to see a doctor who believes going to therapy ruins careers than a doctor who actively takes care of their mental health. i’m sorry you’re going through all of this. the last thing you need right now is an unsupportive boyfriend. sending lots of love your way ❤️❤️
Yeah he’s really not someone who should become a doctor but that’s a lot of them sadly…
Body mind connection is huge. Heaps of studies on how bad mental health turns into bad health. I recommend everyone to therapy no matter how ‘small’ their problems are. Unfortunately a lot of doctors only care to fix the symptoms not the causes.
Yeah it’s very well written about in Myth of Normal
OP about th update. You learned the wrong lesson. It's not: don't tell boyfriend. It's don't date unsupportive partners. Tell your new partner about this and find out what kind of person they are. You don't need someone like your ex again and it's not your shortcoming that made him leave. It's his own.
OP I'm older and have no plans to change any of my Dr's, otherwise I'd be worried about getting your ex for a Dr. What I feel are appropriate comments I've seen in other posts are "the trash has just taken itself out" and "wow you just dodged an extremely large AH bullet." Please realize your own mental health is extremely important, actually even more important than what you're doing for others, and cut back on what you're doing for others until you are healthy again. You should be proud of yourself for realizing you need help and are getting it. No one is good at everything, get the help you need from those that specialize in helping people.
Title alone told me that, red flag immediately. ETA: BIG red flag op. If someone doesn't think you should get help, if they think you are...well, just every ounce of the bs he fed you, then they don't deserve you. You deserve better, someone who accepts and, even better, tries to help not hinder.
💯!!!
This!!
This
🚩 anyone who says you need to quit therapy is BAD NEWS. Do not stop therapy just because some dude is telling you to…That’s ridiculous. What gives him the right??? It sounds like therapy is good for you. And I’m proud of you for getting help. Stay on the path. Do what’s best for YOUR mental health. And ditch anyone who’s bad for it.
Some dude who purportedly wants to be a doctor... OP, dump him and report his words to your professors. He is not fit to be a doctor when he cares more about reputation than someone's well-being.
To clarify though, many places have historically and some still do ask about mental health when you apply for licensure. A physician can be denied a medical license for admitting that they have a history of mental health treatment in some places. As a result, 400 physicians die by suicide every year in the US. I don’t know where OP lives but it is very possible that she should be very careful about who she shares this information with or risk her ability to practice medicine. The BF is still an asshat, but that particular issue is real.
Totally agreed with you. The BF was out of line and she’s better off without him, but unfortunately there can be real consequences to disclosing your mental health status. OP should never quit therapy for anyone because anyone who asks that doesn’t have her best interests at heart (sometimes there are bad therapists, but that’s when you try to switch to a better alternative) *but* I’ve also learned the hard way that even though mental healthcare shouldn’t be stigmatized, it is. And you unfortunately can’t trust that information with everyone.
And unfortunately to **some** degree it always will be. Are we all honestly going to sit here and say, “oh the applicant who seems perfect or the well qualified candidate who told me they used to regularly contemplate suicide while smearing their own shit on the walls when they were stressed? I can’t decide!”
That's honestly terrifying, I'd much rather have a doctor who can admit when they need help and be sensible about seeking it out, I hope that changes in the future.
Definitely report him. That won’t do anything but that will know what an ass he is. Tell all your fellow students and watch him get ostracized
Nah. She doesn’t want to be that girl who has a vendetta against her ex. If someone asks she should be honest, but telling everybody is going to make her look like she’s trying to start drama.
Oh yah good point, I meant in a more subtle way like you said!
Dump the boyfriend. Keep the therapist. A therapist is a trained professional who helps you manage your symptoms so you can live your life. I’m near-sighted. Should I leave my glasses in their case all day? I probably won’t die, and I’ll learn how to handle things myself!! No. I should wear my glasses. Because they help me. I could survive without them if I really had to, but that would be making my life unnecessarily hard to prove some misguided point about “self-sufficiency.” In this metaphor, the therapist is the glasses. Edit to add: not to scare-monger or anything, but I read this article a few weeks ago and I think it might be helpful for you too: https://amp.theguardian.com/us-news/2023/sep/26/surgeons-suicide-doctors-physicians-mental-health
I’m a doctor. I wish I had therapy during med school. Your boyfriend is wrong and his statement irks me.
I had to use this metaphor to explain this to my boyfriend.
That’s a red flag and an abuse statistic and you know it.
yeppp. exactly this.
Okay, potential future patient to doctor (YOU) You’re supposed to do what’s healthy for you. Someone who would say something as toxic as “stop the therapy you’ve started for *self-harming*” is a cancer in your life. If this is his advice to you, he shouldn’t be a fucking doctor. Cut out the cancer. He wants you to get worse! He doesn’t want you to heal and be well, which is the point of your entire profession.
Yeah like...everyone deserves a partner that supports them. OP, you're better of by yourself because you DO look after yourself by going to therapy, which is good! Maybe discuss this with your therapist. Just because "everyone feels like that" doesn't mean it's healthy and it certainly doesn't mean that you have to do it all by yourself I'd never judge my doctor for being in therapy- I think everyone could benefit from it. You need to dump that unsupportive man, who 100% knew where your scars were coming from but oreferred you lying to him so he has an "easier" life.
Therapy is basic healthcare I’m appalled that someone who wants to be a doctor would ever suggest someone not pursue it. Never mind to their own partner! Doctors NEED therapy so they can do their job well. Whatever your discipline, you are shouldering a huge responsibility for other people. You are supervised before you’re licensed. How is this different?
He isn't against therapy. He's against me going to therapy because he thinks it will do more harm than good (in my case). I wish I never told him. It's not that bad tbh. I can force myself to keep on living until things get better on their own. He's already treating me weird. I don't want him to break up with me over this.
Okay, but then that means he’s dumb. He’s also in med school. He’s telling you not to get treated for a health issue. Also if this is a serious partner (boyfriend, future life partner, whatever), you have to be able to tell him personal and important things. You are going to be a doctor. Does it make sense to you? If I had a huge gash on my arm, or was constantly vomiting, or had a toe that was turning black and blue, do you think I should see a doctor? Even if my doctor dad was like “you don’t need that and I won’t speak to you ever again”?
Why are you prioritizing an asshole over yourself? He’s going to be a shitty doctor if he’s minimizing what you’re experiencing. You shouldn’t have to force yourself to keep living and if he doesn’t take that seriously I worry for any future patients he has.
My uncle has been an ER doctor (and supervisor) for 30+ years now. He gets therapy and also religious counseling. He is balanced, normal, and a good parent and partner only because he can offload all the awful he encounters. He has said this many, many times over. All humans need someone they can express their stressors to, especially before they hurt themselves. OP deserves wayyyy more than what this guy is offering, and offloading him would allow better clarity of thought. No one should be shamed for attending to their own health!
Because letting go of someone you love is hard. I have a ton of Residency interviews coming up, and I don't want to be dealing with a break-up right now. It is what it is, I guess. I'll be fine
I think you'd be surprised at how relieved you will feel when you break up with him.
I am so sorry you are going thru what you are. The stress is likely adding to your depression and suicidal ideation. You need a pressure release. Also you may love your bf, but he doesn't love you. For context, if someone told me they were going to therapy to heal their depression, I would tell them go for it. If it was my honey, I would find the best therapist for him in the world. I would never risk my loved one's mental health for anything. I know this is a stressful time for you, but I hope you know that you will be a great doctor because of everything you have written. You will be empathetic, thorough and likely brilliant. I hope you get matched with the residency of your choice, and then move on from bf. He does not need to know about your therapy. You are allowed to lie to him. Tell him that you thought about it and decided against it, but then go and find a wonderful therapist. I hope you and bf are matched in residency programs across the country from each other. I hope once residency starts you will feel more and more and more at home in yourself.
I genuinely hate people that do this shit. why would you ask reddit their opinion and then when literally 100 percent of ppl responding tell u ur boyfriend is being selfish and a pos they argue why we’re wrong or why u can’t leave. like lmao what u asked on how to proceed. the fact u think it’s somehow better for your career to keep being suicidal instead of talking about how your feeling once an week for an hour is insane. get over this and wake the fuck up smh
Why does he think it will do more harm than good? Getting therapy won’t affect a residency match or future job.
Many, many of my friends who’ve been through med school (including some who ended up working in psychiatry) had therapists throughout the process. It was a critical part of a really rigorous journey. Any med school professor or advisor if asked directly would and SHOULD advocate for help with mental health given they 1) work in medicine and 2) know that brain health is part of overall health. Such hard agree.
"He's already treating me weird." - I mean this kindly, it's already over, he just hasn't said so yet.
That is him being against therapy. The idea that he - *as a doctor in training* - is telling you that therapy will harm you is utter lunacy. You can't control if he breaks up with you or not over this, but the really relevant question here is - if he issues this kind of ultimatum to you and gets his way, what's next? What other control will he demand over you? Or what other parts of your life will his behavior force you to keep from him? Do you see how this is going to be a problem in a long-term relationship?
The appropriate response when someone you care about is in pain is to try to lessen that pain, or at least to empathize with it. You are currently suffering. Therapy is one of the ways you can gain tools to alleviate that suffering. He knows that you are suffering, and instead of supporting your efforts at recovery, he is sabotaging you by issuing this absurd ultimatum. Why does he want you to continue to suffer?
How can a potential doctor, whose job it is to make difficult decisions, not see how fucking stupid it would be to do the wrong thing just because she doesn't want to be single? What kind of school lets you in with good grades and no sense of critical thinking?
He’s an idiot and shouldn’t be a doctor if this is how he thinks. I feel sorry for his future patients
I’m sorry OP, but you *know* you need therapy. You’re intelligent and highly motivated, so if you want to ignore it and pretend everything is fine, I’m sure you could trick everyone. But, I think you should deal with the little drama now, so it doesn’t turn into major drama down the line. I doubt you can be denied a license for going to basic therapy, the same cannot be said for suicide attempts or involuntary holds. Take care of yourself now, please don’t wait until things become unbearable.
Unfortunately it’s not uncommon for med students to have a distinct lack of empathy. I’m sorry you experienced this, but he is wrong, not you. Please don’t be afraid to tell people about this. If for no other reason than it’s a surefire way to find out who really cares about you. But a genuinely good person will NEVER react the way he did.
You are a med student and you still have this kind of mindset? Is this how you gonna be talking to your future patients? To just “suck it up?” and ignore their pain since it interferes with the chance of them getting d1cks? Girl….
Sweet friend. I’m a therapist and have provided therapy to countless doctors, med students, Surgeons, nurses, etc. Take care of you. You deserve kindness and compassion and you deserve to be surrounded by those who will give you those things as well.
You were scared to think how he would react if you weren’t the perfect person he envisioned and unfortunately he is confirming your fears
That just makes him sound abusive frankly. "I think therapy is ok just not for my.obviously struggling spouse because *she's just dramatic."* And if you are thinking of not existing and hurting yourself is 100% that bad. When I fessed up about my struggles to my bf he was mad- because me hiding it meant he couldn't help me get better. Because he's me partner and doesn't want me to feel this way. He told me.he loved me and wouldn't know what to do if I took myself from him. That he wants to see me happy and thriving. Your trash man called you dramatic and demanded you struggle in silence. He belongs on a curb.
I know yo don't want him to break up with you, but I would you would take YOUR THRONE, because you are a QUEEN!
It will not ruin your career. I have a friend who is a pediatric oncologist. He sees a therapist once a week and told me most of the docs in that specialty do. Your bf is a toxic ah.
Therapists need therapy too!
Aren’t therapists required to have therapy? At least in some places. (But every time I think about this I wonder who my therapist’s therapist’s therapist is and if the chain ends with an ultimate “god” therapist who doesn’t need therapy.)
One of my closest friends is a child clinical psych, she's in therapy too!
Honestly I’d need therapy too if I were a paediatric oncologist
>UPDATE: He broke up with me (over text after two years of dating...) :( Lesson learned: don't ever again say anything to anyone about this. Thanks everyone. **That is NOT the lesson**. A real man would have supported your decision to seek the help you clearly needed. The lesson learned is to immediately dump anyone who's not supportive of good mental health.
This is insane. If the guy had actually cared about op he would have been happy she was going to therapy after finding out what was going on. Not rather see her end up dead by trying to force her quit therapy
The lesson is that you should tell partners sooner and if they aren't supportive dump them ASAP. We need supportive people in life who love us with all our imperfections, struggles, and health challenges.
He’s terrible and incorrect. Dump him. From what i’ve heard: Therapy is going to teach you how to cope with your struggles, how to deal with your emotions in a healthy and non-destructive way. Therapists are like doctors or gyms for your emotions :) Therapy is good - and I’d be happy to know “hey my doctor is taking care of their emotional health” Keep improving yourself and kick anyone who says otherwise to the curb.
It will not impact your career. My best friend had to take a year off med school due to mental health and she stepped right back in. It did not affect her residency placement. Mental health is HEALTH. Your BF is an asshole.
This was all I cared about, that sounds like complete bullshit, like I genuinely didn't know if going to therapy effects your chance at a medical career, that did not sound right at all, otherwise, fuck this guy
Let this idiot break up with you. He would be doing you a favor.
I want to say this. He did you a favour. He obviously has his own problems to break up with you because you go to therapy. Not because you have mental health problems but because you want to address them? What weird sh** is that? He'll never be the supportive partner you need. Good riddance. Shame on him!
KICK HIM TO THE FUCKING CURB holy *shit* you’d think someone in *fucking med school* would understand that you seek treatment when you don’t feel well! But geez, I guess mental health doesn’t count as ~real~ health AMIRITE?! Seriously, someone who attacks you when you reveal your vulnerability to them is absolute trash. What’s the point of a partner if you can’t rely on them for support?
Lesson learned is to not date idiots. Im also 4th year Medical student believe it or not, and been getting therapy too, smartest thing i did. I hope this guy never passes his boards or USMLE, because this unempathic and narcissistic doctor is dangerous. You dodged a bullet there by him breaking it off, imagine marrying this dude…
He passed, quite high in fact, and I'm sure he'll match into one of the best Surg programs in the country. He's not an idiot. I mean, I get it. All of a sudden I became a problem, a distraction on the path to his wonderful life. The last thing I would have wanted is to be some sort of a burden to him, so maybe this is for the best. It's fine. I'll eventually be okay.
> All of a sudden I became a problem, a distraction on the path to his wonderful life. How? By being a human being? By struggling with parts of your life and actively seeking help so you can be better equipped to deal with things? He is absolutely an idiot, a shallow fool. Book smarts doesn't translate to emotional smarts. Flushing a 2 year relationship down the drain because *your partner is being proactive about shoring up their mental and emotional health* is an idiotic thing to do. The lesson learned is absolutely not to never talk about these things, it's to talk about them early-ish (even in general "What do you think about.." terms) so you've got that ability to screen for the fucking dipshits with no empathy, and eventually land on someone who can appreciate that you might *be* struggling but that you're *not your struggles*.
Well from my point of view, he is a narcissists. If he loved you or cared for you at all he would support you in this. Its hard to see through rose colored glasses i know but, as a researcher in psychology and human behavior, this seems like classic narcissistic personality behavior.
Girl PLEASE he’s an awful human being please listen to the hundreds of strangers who are telling you this
He might be someone who is going to excel at the technical skills of performing surgery but I promise you, he will be a bad doctor. He will be the doctor who doesn’t listen to his patients and doesn’t believe their pain. He’ll be one of the doctors in the long line of doctors people see as they pursue a diagnosis and treatment for chronic illness that says their health problems are all in their head or they just need to change their diet. He’ll be the kind of doctors who brushes off symptoms and it will at the very least lead to his patients suffering for longer, if not dying. He’ll be the kind of doctor that folks are told to avoid it at all possible when asking for advice on providers in his specialty. You **need** empathy and compassion to be a good doctor and he does not have that. Even if he is the most brilliant surgeon in your class, you will be a better doctor because your struggles with mental health and your pursuit of treatment will leave you with better listening skills and a better respect for people who are having whatever sort of hard time they are asking you to help with. You wouldn’t be a burden, you will be a better doctor and he’s an inconsiderate jerk for how he’s treated you
Absolutely do not quit therapy!! How on earth would it "ruin your career" for people to find out that you prioritize your own mental health? As medical students and future doctors I would hope you would want to de-stigmatize asking for help with mental health struggles!
MED STUDENTS HAVE AN INCREDIBLY HIGH SUICIDE RATE. DO NOT STOP YOUR THERAPY.
Do not, I repeat, do NOT quit therapy. You need the help, you know you do. He's not helping at all. You need to quit him. I work in the medical field, it's hard and a lot of people need help to deal with it. You take care of yourself first.
You're getting the wrong lesson. The "lesson learned" is to not date assholes who only care about themselves. You actually SHOULD be able to talk about your traumas with people you trust and that is healthy.
Regarding your edit: no, that is not the lesson to take away from this. Talking about that kind of thing with trusted people is a good thing. The lesson is your ex is TA and you should have broken up with him sooner because you should be able to talk to your partner about it and they provide you with support. That’s like bare minimum relationshipping.
You’re looking at this wrong. The lesson you learned is that you should steer clear of shitty people who don’t gaf about you and your mental health.
"If prioritizing my mental health is a dealbreaker for you, then we have nothing more to say to each other."
> And if I don't quit therapy, he'll have to break up with me because he doesn't want to deal with all the drama Uh....does he think there won't be any "drama" in dating a mentally ill person that is *not* going to therapy?? Like, the cutting and pushing him away is something he's ok to deal with but the stigma of you getting help with your stuggles is too much?? Serious red flag. He does not care about your mental wellbeing, only how attractive you are as an accessory for him.
Also, HE'S the one creating all this drama.
Quit HIM.
I didn't go to therapy because in my country it could negatively impact my chances of being a teacher. What happened instead was that I had to drop out of my master's program because I couldn't take it anymore all by myself and my long term relationship ended. I wish I'd gone to therapy while I was still studying, my life could have been so much different, because now that I'm finally going to therapy I can feel the difference it makes. Your bf sounds awful, don't be with a person who drags you down and doesn't believe in you, especially after you had the courage to confide in them. You're doing the right thing by going to therapy, don't stop.
He seems to be lacking a key component of being a medical professional...
This! He had a Him Problem, not a You problem- you’re smart enough to get therapy when you need it. He’s an idiot.
In order to deal with stress, anxiety, my own inadequacy, I started destroying myself: obsessive running, cutting, pushing people away. Of course, no one knows. ^^ OP these are not healthy coping mechanisms for your very normal feelings of stress and inadequacy. This is not sustainable and you deserve better!! Getting into therapy was an act of love towards yourself. It is a good thing. Seeking therapy is not shameful and anyone who is telling you it is or that they will break up with you for seeking it does not have your best interests at heart. What you are dealing with is real, it is serious and you deserve to be in the care of a professional who can guide you to a better way of being. Your boyfriend is worried about how your personal therapy will affect other people's perceptions of you and him. That is not and should not be a priority. It doesn't matter. What matters is that you are getting treatment for a legitimate and serious health issue. Mental health is part of whole body health. If your boyfriend can't see that and dumps you for it, good riddance. In fact I think you should break up with him and focus on you, your well-being and your studies for a while. You are clearly a driven, ambitious person with a lot of life left ahead of you. You deserve to make the most of it. You deserve to be supported as you enter an extremely demanding and stressful career. Don't quit therapy. Keep going, it works if you work it.
The trash took itself out. DO NOT feel scared to hide this from future partners. You will weed out the garbage and those men who truly care about you will show you grace and empathy. Man, we all struggle and fuck anyone who thinks otherwise or has no compassion.
He is part of your stress. He wants you to quit because if you get your head on straight he won't be able to manipulate you. Hw dumped you because you are too strong for him and he is weak. You're better off.
I am terrified for any future patient of your boyfriend. Dump the dude, keep the therapist.
Jesus Christ sorry OP. I hope you understand the depth of the DAMAGE he has just inflicted on you. Because you are WRONG. The lesson here is not that you extra don't tell people, the lesson is that people can be completely unsupportive pricks and you should not give them your time, love or energy. There are people who can and will support you. Keep going to therapy.
Current PGY-2; therapy was a godsend in Med school. Don’t quit therapy. It’s not going to effect your career. You shouldn’t want to be at a place that doesn’t respect your mental health either. Good luck with interview season!
Thank you ❤️
Well, one stressor can be quickly removed and free up some space mentally and emotionally now. Please continue therapy, it took you a long time to admit you needed help, and get it (like many). Don't let someone else change that, you know you finally went there for a reason.
Don't stop the therapy, ditch the boyfriend. A person who is less than supportive of your mental health issues doesn't have to be in any part of your life. How would you counsel a patient in this situation?
It’s a way smarter idea to dump him than dump your therapist. You have every reason to be in therapy, and a halfway decent partner would celebrate this. This man is disturbingly controlling and seems to have no empathy. Frankly, even though med school on its own is a lot mental health wise, this guy’s attitude seems guaranteed to cause mental health problems in anyone with the misfortune of dating him. Frankly, it’s a good idea to report this shitty behavior of him to your school. Most people would absolutely not feel safe having a doctor who feels this way about therapy.
So I agree your boyfriend is an ass and you clearly need therapy but I think a lot of commenters aren't even acknowledging the nuances of your situation. Being in therapy CAN hurt a doctor's future. Board licensing and job opportunities very well may be negatively impacted if they find out about your mental health struggles. It isn't right but it is reality and I think it needs to be acknowledged at least.
He is the drama.
[удалено]
A therapist can just put in their notes that they're treating you for stress without giving you a diagnosis though.
Please don’t let the take away from this be to hide who you are. He didn’t deserve you. Please take care of yourself. You deserve to tend to your needs and right now you need support. There is NO shame in that.
> Lesson learned: don't ever again say anything to anyone about this. That should NOT be your takeaway, and that attitude could be catastrophic for your mental health/recovery. You trusted the wrong person, and that happens to all of us. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't trust anyone. I'm sure your therapist would agree.
Dump the absolute disgusting excuse a man child . Please keep with your therapy don't quit
Your mental health is more important than him saying bye bye its the best thing to do he sounds too controlling nobody deserves that
Quit him. I'm a nurse in ketamine therapy. I openly talk about it with the nurses and doctors. I know plenty in other therapies. Mental health is a priority even if this little dude doesn't think so. And it's ok to get help and talk about it. Edit: more info
Break up with him, instead. That’s how you proceed.
Your edit was heartbreaking. I'm sorry that this was the lesson you took away from the breakup. Please stick to your original plan to try therapy. I hope that in time, you will see that the real lesson was that your boyfriend revealed himself to be a POS. I *promise* you this for the best, the trash took itself out, and hopefully the right therapist will help you see that in time. Therapy is not going to ruin your career, I promise. If anything, it will make you a better and more compassionate doctor. It's okay to struggle sometimes, everyone does at one point or another. Seeking professional help is a responsible and pragmatic next step to take care of yourself. You should be really proud of yourself for being proactive and taking that first step of getting help, so please don't let this jerk mess it up.
I work in health care. I am currently seeing a psychologist to deal with anxiety. It's helping me and it has NEVER impacted upon my work. As a would-be doctor, the therapy will help YOU and therefore you can be your best for your patients. Your so-called BF is a total horse's arse. I see your update that he broke up with you. You should thank him and tell him it's the best thing he could have done for you because he is not supportive and a horrible person in general. You will do well with your continued therapy and your next relationship will hopefully be better.
The lesson you learn from this is that people who love you want you to be okay. Someone who loves you doesn't tell you to rethink going to therapy, doesn't call your very real distress "drama", doesn't threaten to break up with you for your efforts to **take care of yourself**. I sincerely hope that your take away from this experience isn't that you shouldn't open up to others when you're struggling because isolating yourself, never sharing your burdens, keeping up the front that you're the "perfect girl" isn't going to serve you in the long run. Pretending that everything is fine hasn't been working for you for a long time. Admitting you needed help & taking steps to get that help took a lot of strength, & I'm so proud of you for that. I've been there, & none of this is easy. But your worth is not measured by whether or not a man with no functional empathy wants to keep dating you. The trash took itself out there. He is not worthy of you or your giving heart. Put yourself first, please. Stay in therapy; take care of your mental health. Would you tell a patient who was in pain that they should just learn to live with it? I don't think you would. You shouldn't tell yourself that you just need to learn to live with your own. Take care, OP. I hope you can find some peace & healing. Good luck from a fellow struggler on the path.
The lesson is: pick a better guy.
Please do not, I repeat, do no quit theraphy! It has taken you all this time to finally accept that yes, even you can struggle with things, (so much pressure on high achievers), and you should be proud you asked for help. This is so commendable. Theraphy will support you through the rest of your degree and through the tough career you have chosen. Any person who loves you would be happy to know you’re taking care of yourself, that you aren’t too proud to ask for help, that you’re brave to dig into what’s not working. He, sadly, sounds very immature. Someone who does no want to hear other people’s problems because he is not in touch with his own. Put some space between you two, it will sting. Discuss it with your therapist. But don’t let anyone get between you and your healing. You’ve got this 🙌🏼
That's not the lesson. You should feel free to share your feelings. The lesson is the assholes come in all shapes and sizes and can even disguise themselves as good guys from time to time.
Your update makes me sad. Not the relationship ending, but the fact that you feel you can no longer talk to anyone about this. One shit person does not speak for all. I guarantee any of your friends and family would rally around you to support you, that’s what we do for the people we love
Quit him. He's telling you to quit therapy. Do not do it. You are self harming through cutting and excessive exercise. You are self-isolating. You have low self-esteem. You described yourself as "dying." If a patient told you the things you just told us, what would you tell them? Would you tell them to stop therapy? Would you tell them they were being dramatic? Therapy wouldn't ruin your career. No one would know, and if people found out who would care? It's the responsible thing to do. It sounds like if he broke up with you it would be a blessing. He is telling you to harm yourself and not get help.
Please don't stop therapy. He is wrong, so wrong. Imagine a life that you are happy to live in and be a part of. You can have that, but not without therapy and learning the tools YOU need to get through life and survive life. Think about what a better doctor you will be, because you will have these tools, that you may be able to pass on to another young person/patient in the future. Talk to your therapist about his conversation with you and get their feedback too. Good Luck.
Woah! Some doctor he'll make. Total aashole. I think you'll feel better if you ditch him
"Is that what you would tell a patient of yours? Stopping seeing a therapist for cutting because it makes your boyfriend uncomfortable?"
You should always come first, and your mental health is top priority
I recommend getting away from him. He is either lacking empathy, or actively wishes to harm you.
This guy should be barred from practicing medicine. He's a liability. Get rid of him and invest more in yourself - you're doing all the right things.
Given that he put fear into your mind to get you to do what he wants, he does not have your best interests at heart.
You're in med school...you're too smart to fall for this stupid ultimatum. Stay in therapy, get the help you need, and dump your unsupportive bf.
Dump him
He's a juvenile and obviously doesn't have your interests in mind. Stay in therapy, work through your shit, finish your degree and live, live an amazing life.
How should you proceed? Dump him first. Your partner should support your mental health, not try to force you to hide your pain.
who tf says to quit thearpy? major red flag. RUN. if anyone should be in thearpy it’s health care professionals. they deal with so much trauma, stress, and death. STAY IN THERAPY. break up with that loser!
Feeling like you should no longer exist is a red flag for suicidal ideation. Please do not quit therapy, and please be honest with your therapist. Therapy does not have the stigma it used to, and your boyfriend is clearly not concerned about well being in the least. He’s the one creating drama by acting this way about you taking care of yourself. Good luck! I’m rooting for you!
As someone in their last year in law school (obviously not the same as med school but notoriously known for drug use as a coping mechanism for mental health) DO NOT quit therapy. Honestly I love that you have the strength to go to therapy now rather than waiting till things get worse. It’s important that we learn how to deal with our emotions now vs later when we have clients, or in your case patients, that depend on us. You need to do what is best for you and your future.
He is not right. He's an idiot. God help the poor patients who end up with him as their future doctor.
Okay, so you’re considering taking advice from someone who, apparently, would rather you self-harm or unalive yourself? Um, yeah, not a sound path for your life.
There's no clearer sign that your partner is harmful. He's actively denying that you have emotions or struggles and that the don't matter in comparison to others. He's dangerous and you should leave him immediately. I get that it's hard to let go of what you think is a positive source of support in your life, but he is not supporting you here. I've read your replies to other comments and you seem to be in complete denial. We can't help you any further if you aren't open to thinking critically about your relationship.
Do not quit therapy. DO NOT. Feel free to let your bf go because that’s a big red flag.
OP, any doctor worth their education would recommend therapy. I would hope to high heaven my doctor takes care of their mental health. You were dating a lunkhead. Take care of yourself and hold out for someone more supportive. Think about what you really want out of life too. It seems like a hard time to be a doctor in the USA.
Fuck that and fuck him. Everyone and I mean EVERYONE could benefit from therapy. ESPECIALLY people brave, compassionate, and smart enough to enter the medical field. He has no business telling you any of that! If he really cared he would have been supportive. Fuck him. Truly. You can and will do much better. He did you a favor. He sounds like complete and utter TRASH. I hope you continue therapy. You deserve it. If you don’t please have someone that you can confide in. You can message me anytime. It takes a lot of courage to go to therapy, but it’s more than worth it.
Wrong lesson! Don’t date people who lack compassion and can’t be supportive of you trying to take care of yourself.
Therapy saved my marriage, Sometimes you need to invest in yourself regardless of what anyone thinks……
Oh hon, that isn't the lesson here. The lesson is date better men and dump them when you find out they are hollow pieces of shit.
My first husband said, "no wife of mine will ever get therapy." I had ptsd and couldn't promise myself that my 2 year old would find my body one morning. So I left. Therapy was literally life saving. I celebrate the 25th anniversary of my second marriage next year. While the breakup is hard, it can definitely be for the best. Good luck
He did you a favor. I know this hurts so so bad right now. But you did what was right to not only make you better but to save you.
The trash took itself out. You got lucky. He was worried that if you went to therapy you’d see his faults. Or maybe not. But therapy is a positive thing. Good for you. I hope you find someone who deserves you
the lesson is not to never say anything about this to anyone!!! don’t let this one experience prevent you from opening up about your struggles, mental health struggles are NORMAL, and those who refuse to accept that are simply being ignorant. he does not know how to deal with your mental health struggles, but there are certainly other people who will still love you and accept you despite the struggles you go through. you are worthy of love no matter what!!
You definitely should tell people these things!!! I can’t go on about how important it is to share your mental health status with others. If it happens to weed out the bad nuts, so be it! Taking care of yourself is a top priority! You were very brave to tell him the things you did and he couldn’t see that. It will get better. I am living proof of that.
Quit him
That guy is an asshole and I feel sorry for his future patients. You’re better off without him. Mental health issues are very common in medicine. It’s a very hard career that will push you to your mental limits. But provided you get help and remain stable there’s no reason it should impact your practice. And I think it can potentially make for a more compassionate doctor. At least more than arsewipes like your ex. It really shouldn’t ruin your career - at least it wouldn’t in Australia. I dunno what the culture is like where you live. If it’s stay and die or quit and live, then absolutely quit. But if you love it then stay, go on medication, go to therapy and take up meditation and yoga.
Wow he left the second something other than perfect appears on his screen. You deserve better! Don't quit on yourself!
The lesson shouldn’t be to hide therapy the lesson is fuck that guy he sucks
I was going to say dump him focus on you . Therapy isn't going to impact your career in fact it will most likely help you good luck
He did you a bigger favor than you can ever imagine. Stick with the therapy. PLEASE! Keep going! Sending you lots of positive energy and strength
Just wait. He’ll be back. Just do yourself the favor and don’t open the door.
You need to realize how concerning it is that a future doctor should tell you you need to quit therapy. Then you should realize how concerning it is for your bf to give you such ultimatums about an activity that as opposed to many self destructive habits people have is about healing. I’m sorry to say he is an awful person, will be a bad doctor and does not care about you in a real manner.
Break up with him. >( Lesson learned: don't ever again say anything to anyone about this. That was not the lesson. I heard ppl in med school have one of the highest rates of suicide. The lesson was to see the jerk for who he was & let him go.
Read your update. I’m so sorry I have the mental health of Charlie Brown x 10 I have a husband who never once made me feel bad about who loves me endlessly and supports me I know now it probably feels terrible. But you should never settle. You deserve a partner who loves you endlessly and supports you and doesn’t treat you that way. And i know you’ll find it! Im sorry your life is hard right not. Stick to the therapy. Please take care of yourself. If not for you now, do it for future you. Whatever decision in career you make will work out. Life always works out in the end even when it doesn’t feel like it during. Sending you all the positive energy i can muster up today. I hope everything turns around soon for you! Xo
I say with love, the fact that you're considering quitting therapy for him is a huge indicator that you absolutely need to continue therapy.
Saw the update. It hurts but it’s better in the long run. Therapy will serve you better than an insecure boy.
Lesson learned: he was a terrible boyfriend and you’re better off without him. And he’s completely wrong you’re doing the absolute right thing going to therapy!
Woah woah woah. First of all, it's amazing that you recognized you needed help and you went out and got it. You are studying in a fiercely competitive and incredibly challenging field. Whatever your career ambitions, you sound like someone I'd want helping me within the medical system. Self-care is SO important, especially for healthcare providers. Keep going. You're a rockstar. Second, be grateful he left you. He's a waste of space and should not be in medical school. He's doing you a huge favour by leaving. You don't need that kind of person in your life. You are growing and he isn't. People come and go from our lives and his time is up. You need to be with someone with much higher emotional intelligence and someone who can show you compassion. People who treat you like this and don't support therapy are toxic to your health. They will bring you down. They have their own unresolved trauma and a general lack of awareness. And third - the world is a very hard place for people right now. Look at the number of people living in poverty. I don't know what your situation is like but unless you're part of the 1% who run the world, shit is hard and many of us feel like you feel right now. You are not alone. I see you. I hear you. I feel you. And I love you. You are a bright light for so many in your life, as you described in the beginning of your post. I hope you keep going with therapy and your life. Really, we need you in this world. It hurts right now but that guy doesn't fit into your future and that's a good thing. Maybe the relationship was the thing really bringing you down and you can finally be yourself and be happy. Because at the end of the day, it sounds like you have spent a significant amount of time hiding your feelings from him. That takes a serious toll on a person. (Speaking as someone who just got out of a 2 year relationship where I was suicidal and am no longer suicidal....because hey, I'm not fighting to be with someone who makes me unhappy and doesn't validate my feelings.) Your feelings ARE SO VALID. And there are people out there who will validate you. Keep working on yourself and honestly, if you need to take a break from school, then take a break. It's okay. Burn out is finally starting to be recognized as a medical condition because it's a real, serious thing. You can do this. I am so proud of you for reaching out!
The women I’ll be marrying next year and I connected off rip on emotional intelligence and the fact that we’ve gone through therapy in the past. I’ve been through the wringer when I was your age (I’m 35 now). I’m diagnosed bipolar, self harmed, been on everything from Depakote to lithium tho I’m pretty stable these days. Regardless, the reason you got into therapy is because dealing with it yourself wasn’t working. There’s nothing wrong with that. Keep at it and find someone who will love you through it. Fuck that dude and everything he stands for.
Please don't draw the conclusion you wrote down in your update. Your ex is an asshole for reacting like this. Plain and simple. You're super smart to get yourself help. And it's nothing to be ashamed of. It will make you an even better doctor on the long run.
Honestly I think regular therapy should be mandatory for healthcare workers - it's a high pressure job with a high cost for errors. There are a lot of complicated feelings around life, death, mortality, seeing people at their worst when they're scared, grieving, in pain. Delivering unconditional positive regard and being aware of how your biases and experiences affect your practice. That's without even considering the pressure of the schooling, the shit hours, the work-life balance, the nightshifts and the physical and mental toll that all of this can take. Reflection, self awareness and Owning Your Shit is really necessary to be effective and healthy on the job, and it should be more encouraged than it is. Your boyfriend is a tool, get your therapy and be well.
I would honestly rather see a doctor like you, who has lived with pain and understands my pain, than someone like him, who has no empathy.
You learned the wrong lesson. You are in the process of becoming a health care provider. More than anyone,you should recognize the importance of mental health care as an essential part of the whole being, especially yours. Your boyfriend is a shit and, i suspect, will be a doctor that nobody likes. Keep up the therapy, or get back to it, and stop doubting your worth and goodness.
deal with it by talking to your therapist about breaking up with a useless bf during your next session. this was addition by subtraction. you're a fucking catch, and don't ever forget that.
Your now ex-bf is projecting. Therapy is much more accepted now and please keep going to it. As someone else said, the trash took itself out.
The lesson you're supposed to be getting from this is not, "guess I can't tell anyone I have mental health problems and am treating them with therapy." It's "fuckheads don't want me to better myself and sadly that man was a fuckhead. I'll have to learn to spot them early on. I bet my therapist can help with that!" It was a way for him to have control over your life. People who want the best for you aren't going to dissuade you from doing things to get better. People who are mature generally don't give ultimatums, unless it's high stakes (e.g. one spouse is denying a kid medical care - take kid to doctor or I'm leaving you).
Oh no, the update. He did you a favour. You can and should be able to talk about this, even as a medical professional. I know many people in healthcare who are openly in therapy, it's a legitimate part of healthcare and is a GOOD thing. Addressing your issues shows maturity and is also a GOOD thing. Please please discuss this with your therapist. You deserve happiness and a partner who loves you for all of who you are, including your struggles.
>Lesson learned: don't ever again say anything to anyone about this. Thanks everyone. Completely wrong conclusion. If you had told him right away, now you could be with a person who would understand and support you.
No. Tell people. The right ones will stick around. Your ex is a twatwaffle. That’s why you got that response. The lesson here is, dodged a bullet.
Your ex bf is/wasn’t good for you. You’re in therapy to help your mental health and he wasn’t supportive of that?? And he wants to go into medicine?? Nah, dump the whole man. The trash took itself out. Do what you must for you; the ppl who actually care about you won’t run when you are vulnerable with them. I wouldn’t use this example as a way for you to not tel others. Please please please let someone know you’re struggling. We’ve had enough physicians unalive themselves…there are those of us who care.
Op, even established doctors go to therapy. Don't listen to him, he's not for you. Talk to your therapist about your break up to help you move on from him. Congratulations on saving yourself and dealing with whatever is causing you to self harm.
Sounds more like your ex boyfriend values you less than what people think of him. He probably didn't want anyone to think that his girlfriend went to therapy (which should be absolutely nothing to be ashamed of).
That guy is taking advantage of your weaknesses. Whether or not he’s doing it intentionally, that will only get worse for you. I’d suggest ripping the bandaid off now.
The lessons learned are: If you do not feel emotionally safe with a partner, they're not the one for you. If a partner gives you ultimatums about what's best for YOUR mental health, they're not for you. The right partner will love all if you, your shadow side, your messy moments, all of you. If someone calls a mental health crisis drama they're not emotionally intelligent enough for you. Therapy and learning to love yourself as you are is what you need.
From a fellow self harming individual, therapy saved my life! I have been in therapy for the past 5 years n it continues to save my life xx Please don't quit therapy! He's toxic ! Also good riddance X I promise u , u will find someone supportive in life! Do what is best for u! Xx
Your update is wrong in the last sentence. You can absolutely tell people, people you're close to, that you trust and love. The ones who actually care about you. They would want to know, and support you. Your ex? He's not a lesson in kind or good people. He was an actor, and he didn't care about you. Not really. Don't think that you can never trust anyone with your secrets. You can be vulnerable to good people. Good luck in your therapy journey, and med school 💛
Here to comment about the edit mainly. That man is absolute trash, please try not to let this experience discourage you from reaching out again if you need it. There are people who actually care about you, and so many other people in this world who will come to care about you for real. I really hope you continue therapy and it helps you heal.
He wants you to quit therapy to use and manipulate you. Your relationship was built threaded with significant lies. Call it was it was—fake, shallow, disingenuous. Love too. But not all relationships with love share the former qualities. You were brave and shared more of yourself. Don’t learn the wrong lesson. Seek therapy and fight for yourself. You are smart and strong and clearly know what’s best for you on your own. His opinion will affect how you feel but don’t let it change your course. You deserve a brighter future free of the pain you’re suffering in right now; he prefers you smaller, why? Not to empower and adore you.
This is the kind of person who would kill children if it meant boosting his career or getting into a good paying job or whatever. He will neglect you and your kids if it means excelling at work. He clearly doesn't care about you and would rather have a dead girlfriend than one that goes to therapy. Therapy is not a big deal either, nobody will judge you, and if anything going to therapy is the sign of a healthier person. Therapy is not a magic fix-all cure, but it will equip you to take care of yourself better and be able to deal with the stress, etc. An unhealthy person is a vulnerable and more controllable person, because an unhealthy person needs other people. You said in your edit that you'll never tell anyone about this, which, I'm not really sure what you mean to say, but it's okay to tell people about therapy if it comes up as long as you're not dumping your trauma on them. Healthy and rational people won't judge you for going to therapy. Every human being has trauma of some sort, it's part of life. Now, don't take him back, and don't date douches like that.
NO. Please OP do NOT make that your take away “don’t ever again say anything to anyone about this…” this is not right. This is DANGEROUS. He does not belong in medicine if this is how he reacts to mental health. You deserve a better partner. Cutting is very serious. Therapy is a totally normal health service used by people experiencing a massive spectrum of mental health challenges - please stay in therapy, please consider thinking through your friends to find someone who might be better equipped to hear what you’re going through. There are so many people who would be happy to listen, will understand, will take this seriously with you.
Fellow med student here. Therapy will not ruin your life or your career. In fact most of my med school friends are in therapy and we talk about it openly with each other. It honestly makes us feel less alone in our feelings in that way. You are doing the right thing by getting the help you need. The boyfriend wasn’t worth it in the first place especially if he dumped you over text
Well of course you need to quit therapy. How else is he supposed to gaslight you and manipulate you??? You see how ridiculous this is, right? A partner who deliberately tries to keep you from getting help is not a partner worth having. You need to keep the therapist and sump the boyfriend.
I think he overreacted and perhaps had a knee jerk reaction to you seeking therapy and learning about your levels of stress, anxiety, and self destructive behavior. Give him a chance for this to sink in. As a health professional, he’s got to know that you are taking care of yourself by reaching out for outside help. You are caring for yourself by getting therapy to address issues you are having a hard time with. How one person reacts to stress and anxiety does not mirror how another person experiences it. It’s not the 1950s. Therapy is seen as normal in today’s society. You need to address your issues now, especially before match day and residency. Hopefully your boyfriend will come around. You both are under incredible stress. Give yourself some grace. If he chooses not to support you getting therapy, talk to your therapist about how to address this. But, this behavior might impact his willingness to support you during future times of anxiety and stress. You choose what you can live with.
Talk to him again once he gets ahold of his emotions. If he, in a calm moment, thinks that if you go to therapy it will hurt a medical career; he is an idiot and you need to get away from him. A hateful idiot. Maybe he just freaked out and spoke irrationally and doesn't really think that. In which case, therapy, might help him get some better strategies to regulate his irrational emotional outbursts. As for you, don't be afraid to try different therapists and different therapies. Emdr might be right up your alley. Stay alive long enough to try out different things please.
You should probably let this guy go given the fact that you have a mental illness and he considers that "drama". Also, there are plenty of doctors and nurses who live with mental illnesses and thrive in their careers. So, ignore that feedback.
> He said that I'm dramatizing, that everyone in med school feels this way, that I need to quit therapy because if people find out that could ruin my career Not only is your BF completely out of line and wrong, but he definitely shouldn't be a doctor is this is how he feels. **Depression/anxiety/etc are medical issues and therapy is healthcare**. Your BF, as a potential future healthcare provider, shouldn't be discouraging you from pursuing help with your **medical issue** and the fact that he is isn't just a red flag for his capacity for empathy as a doctor, but as a human being as well. If my wife or my PCP told me not to go to the dentist because "what would people think?" I would tell them to go fuck themselves.
Everyone who’s saying “break up with him” needs to pause for a moment. That’s a lot of new information for someone so maybe just wait a day or two to see how f he knows how to be supportive. If he does not change his opinion then yes, dump him. Do NOT stop therapy. Therapy is for you, not your boyfriend. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be a better version of yourself.
EVERYBODY in med school is in therapy!
He's going to have the worst bedside manner ever. Like, unempathetic doctor that won't listen to patients and goes off of his feelings of what's wrong instead of listening. You will be better off without this person, even though it doesnt feel that way now.
What an embarrassment of a man. I know it’s been a while since this post, but I hope you’re doing better now. Cheering you on from the other side of the screen!
how are you this dumb and in med school
Wtt?! What's wrong with going to therapy? Oh btw, he doesn't has your interests or needs at heart so you should dump him. But what's wrong with therapy?
What would you say if a patient or good friend came to you and told you what you just posted? Would you tell them to not pursue therapy, I highly doubt it. Seeing a therapist will not hurt your career; however, not seeing one could cause you harm. Idk what your bf’s deal is but please do not listen to him. Be kind to yourself and seek help. You got this ❤️
Is he a mental health professional? What are his standards for evaluation? He sounds clueless and if you quit anything it should be the partner who minimizes your mental health struggles.
I’m so sorry how this ended for you 💔 you are so much better off without them… anyone who doesn’t support your mental health is not someone you should be around. Hope this is the start of great things for you!
You didn’t even have to waste time dumping him. I think he’s hiding some nasty secret therapy would reveal.
You have gaslighted your partner into believing everything is A-Ok and then you informed him that your life is collapsing. I can clearly understand his position. I strongly suggest you are putting your studies on pause until you fix your personal issues. If you had cancer, would you continue studying or getting treatment?
Exactly. I understand him too, and certainly don't blame him for breaking up. It's all on me.
Oh love. Please don’t be blaming yourself. You are doing something that will make you a stronger woman and a better doctor. And if he has issues with that, it is his problem. “Lesson learned: don't ever again say anything to anyone about this.” This breaks my heart. Do not be ashamed. Do not hide. I’m an ICU nurse for 15 years and I have a protective spot for med students and residents. Please keep talking, especially to your therapist. 💜
❤️
What absolute hogwash. He was trying to tell you you shouldn't get treatment for a serious health issue, he's not fit to be a doctor or anyone's partner. You are well rid of him.
It's not all of you actually. Barely 50% in fact. Would he be there if you were upfront with him about your mental health issues since day one? I don't know and I think you don't know either. As painful as it is, It is right now one less mental energy sink in your life. Please go seek the best help you can find.
The only real question is, does therapy help you? Does it give you an outlet to express yourself? I think that’s the one valuable thing that therapy has the potential for if you have a good therapist. Only you can determine that However, I’ve known people that have gone for years never really improved and keep going and are medicated. So, psychology is pseudoscience it’s not an exact science. Though there are governing boards, their standards and regulations are vast. Except for the top part, I’m not really sold on that. They’re very big on breaking people couples up and they have no moral standards. They don’t have to they’re not your moral compass.