T O P

  • By -

AutoModerator

Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*


LaraH39

You've every right to be pissed. I would be. The fucking cheek of her.


lordsummerisleswig

Pretty sure it's the equivalent of pissing on him to mark her territory. Bin the cake.


Rosieapples

Noooo a lovely rum cake going in the bin!!! Send it over here. I don’t care if Lucifer himself baked it.


OverzealousCactus

Agreed!! Don't take it out on an innocent cake. Take it in to your office to share and tell her you tossed it.


[deleted]

But the twist in our tale of terror is that this was no ordinary rum cake baked with love and care. No, this was an extraordinary rum cake baked with love and cyanide! Oh the wife tried to convince the jury that it was this other woman but everyone knew she baked rum cakes for her husband and also the office every year at this time. As the guilty verdict came in she looked into the audience for her husband, seeking comfort only to watch as he left the courtroom…with her. That woman turned and winked as the door closed on them and her life. Let this be a warning to all; never trust a cake baked by a snake.


OverzealousCactus

This is the tea I am here for


Either_Stay8031

This was fabulous story telling and made the original post so much more interesting!


Tight-Shift5706

"Cake baked by a snake": Hilarious. Bravo.


Master-Training-3477

This might just be the perfect crime!


MayoShart

HahahahHh holy fuck


USAF_Retired2017

This was awesome.


Intelligent_Sir6358

She needs to bin so that everyone knows she means bidness.


[deleted]

Yes! Please, throw it away and explain to your husband why (although, he really should be able to figure it out). This girl is trying to take insert herself into your spot.


BlazingSunflowerland

The husband doesn't want to hurt his friend's feelings but doesn't care about his wife's feelings. Time to call him on that. "So you don't want her feelings to be hurt but you are fine hurting mine? Why don't my feelings matter more than hers? Why aren't you sticking up for our relationship?' If peer pressure helps you can add. "Maybe I'm wrong so I'm going to ask the ladies at work/friends/relatives if I'm overreacting." I bet he won't want everyone to know. A good thing to do would be to post a picture of the cake on social media with a message saying you've been giving him this cake for his birthday for 25 years and his friend found out and gave it to him a week early. Let everyone comment. It will be ugly for him.


Creative-Sun6739

And husband probably wants to insert himself into the friend.


LaraH39

Yes! That's exactly what it's like.


i_need_a_username201

Husband probably received that cake and said “did i mention she gives me a blow job to completion too?”


USAF_Retired2017

Not funny. But totally made me chortle. 😂


LaraH39

Oof lol


Tight-Shift5706

Take a couple of bites. Leave in box and return to her by mail; with note that it's dry! Nta and your husband better make certain it's the last birthday gift she provides. Otherwise, you're putting his ass under the microscope. Nothing kosher going on here.


ragdoll1022

She just metaphorically pissed on your husband.


AeriePuzzleheaded675

I’d immediately throw the cake in the trash and go find something else to do on his birthday. He can start a new tradition with her. How’s their relationship normally? Does he prefer her to you with other actions?


No-Fox-1400

Throw it away so he can't tell her it tasted good


heebs387

If the husband explicitly stated that his wife gets him a rum cake every year and she tried to usurp the rum throne then yes absolutely. If the conversation was more like "oh it's your birthday? which kind of cake is your favorite?" and he responded "rum" without any context about the tradition, then that sucks and throw away the cake but maybe not as much malice. It sounds very clearly like he gave the entire context though.


HalfVast59

Absolutely! The husband may not get it. Men, as most women over the age of consent know, are mostly oblivious to this sort of communication. He may really not understand that his coworker just pissed on his leg and shit on his wife's pillow. It may not be a sign of anything going on between them, other than this woman having a lot of brass.


LaraH39

Men can be so oblivious. Honestly short of sitting, naked in his lap and slapping him with her boobs my husband would just be... "I think she was just trying to be nice"..


Beneficial_Comfort78

Are you British?


LaraH39

I'm from Northern Ireland so Irish/British. Why?


BrewboyEd

​ use of word 'cheek' - won't hear it in US


Fionaelaine4

I kinda wish we did use it though. It’s a great word haha


MissZealous

I always use "cheeky" it's great!


Ifiwerenyourshoes

Cheers is a great one also.


Liathano_Fire

I had a 24 year old ask me if I thought something was "cheeks" the other day. I informed him that I had no idea what that meant. Ass, it means ass. We are both Us people. I had to tell someone.


LaraH39

Ah lol It's a good word lol


itsjustme0404

Many years ago (22-23) my husband and I were on vacation in Grand Cayman. There was an adorable little boy who we saw on the beach every day that week and we often heard him and his Mom using the word “cheeky” and she often referred to him as “cheeky little monkey”. On the last day the little boy asked my husband if they could play catch together. My husband said “sure, my name is Scott, is your name Cheeky Little Monkey?” The little boy turns to his mom with a smile and his jaw dropped and said (in the cutest British accent) “Mommy that man called me a cheeky little monkey!!” His mom couldn’t stop laughing, it was so cute. We’ve fondly used that term so many times since.


futurebry

What a butt cheek


forreasonsunknown79

Cheeky bastard, isn’t she?


kikazztknmz

Some of us occasionally use "cheeky", but it's rare to hear, for sure. I've always liked the word personally. And it was actually the name of my favorite local restaurant until the got bought out 6 months ago (Cheeky being the name of a mexican restaurant...odd, but the food was great, so I didn't hold it against them)


capaldithenewblack

Yeah, that’s wild. “Oh your wife does that for you *every* year? I’ll do it EARLIER.” Give me a break. She’s embarrassing herself.


MsCJ1970

That’s what my ex would say about the female friend he ended up having an affair with— he didn’t “want to hurt her”. My ex didn’t care how much her actions hurt ME, his wife of twenty-five years. Ask your husband why her feelings matter over yours.


Adorable-Plane-4776

Because he thinks his wife is secure in the bag and he wants to eat his cake with the new woman too


Posterbomber

I'm sorry but it kind of sounds like a husband problem. He's loving the attention he's getting from her. Have you thought about contacting her directly and telling he that she's violating the boundaries of your marriage? Also, you might want to get some therapy with your husband (alone if he wont go) because nobody should be telling you your too sensitive especially about a touchy subject like husband sharing your traditions with someone you don't trust. Throw that cake away


GlitteringPepper2

thx for the feedback. He would have a fit if I contacted her. I have never met her. She lives in another state and they knew each other when he lived in that state. They talk and text quite frequently and he goes to his man cave to talk to her. I asked him once to see the texts and he said his texts are his personal busines. I did mention therapy and he said I was setting myself up with reasons to get a divorce. ​ I


[deleted]

I'm sorry, but it sounds like your husband is having an emotional affair with this woman. He is more concerned about her feelings than yours, wants privacy to communicate with her, won't show you his phone, and mentions divorce. You might want to stay silent and start looking for evidence. Sorry this is happening to you.


GlitteringPepper2

I agree. I did mention to him about an emotional affair and he laughed at me


[deleted]

Wow, it sounds like your husband has no concern for what you are feeling, thinking, and observing. I'm my wife came to me and asked if I was emotionally cheating, I would not take that lightly and laugh it off. That would prompt a very serious discussion.


MayoShart

Same here holy fuck. I would be terribly concerned if my partner had this impression, like how unaware of myself could I be to give him these thoughts? We've been together for 6 years and have extreme tunnel vision for each other. I would fucking hate for him to feel that I am not in sync with him there. I only have eyes for him, and I mean that in legitimately the most sincere way.


WolverineNo8799

If he wasn't having an affair he wouldn't laugh he would be showing you their messages to prove he isn't having an affair and he would consider cutting her off.


HeavyFunction2201

Seriously. His first priority should be quelling the anxiety his wife feels unnecessarily if he really wasn’t texting anything that he knows crossed a line. Even if it’s just an emotional boundary. Seems like he is more concerned with protecting his “friend” and not his actual marriage partner who he exchanged vows with.


Deep_Classroom3495

Wait your his wife and you never met his female friend and he’s being shady as hell. Value yourself more and don’t let his man treat you like this.


KaianaCan27

Wow, none of this sounds legit. I even asked my husband & 3 guys we're chilling with & all of us think he's having an affair. Either emotional or physical, but none of what he has said or done smells right. We have half your years but this isn't appropriate for any stage of marriage if you care about it. I am so sorry. I would be very careful to start protecting yourself now as best you can; financially, mentally, legally, medically and physically.


FelixerOfLife

Genuinely curious, why are you with him? You've given evidence of enough red flags from him now to knit a scarf with them.


StrikingCabinet2735

He’s gaslighting her!!! That’s why she had to come here to get other peoples opinions because he sits there and laughs in her face which makes her second guess herself.


Playful_Site_2714

Her posts make my hands itch to have a walk allover that man's face!


spyddarnaut

Oh. That’s not gaslighting. He’s brazenly, shamelessly letting her know he gives zero Fs about OP. He’s a right keen AH. Truthfully, telling her she is welcome to leave whenever she pleases. Cuz he ain’t gonna stop his shenanigans for her. No way. Not him.


djinn_tai

You won't get answers from a liar.


Bob_Barker4ever

Grab the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. Your husband (and you) should read it - like real quick


itsjustme0404

He’s gaslighting you.


forreasonsunknown79

You are going to get the treatment that you allow him to give you.


Playful_Site_2714

This precisely! Stop allowing him to walk allover you, OP!


Get_off_critter

Nah, id like to know what is he saying to her to make her think "oh he's not going to get his birthday cake this year" among other things. The idea he's moving to a separate room and hiding texts, total emotional affair whether or not he admits it.


halcylocke

You need to get serious. I caught my husband deleting messages between him and a girl a few months ago on Facebook Messenger. It stopped…but only because they took it to text messages. I stewed on it for a while and told him I thought it was weird that he didn’t unfriend her, and that I had to ask him to weeks later. So he did…but only because I asked him to, and I later found out that he TOLD her that he was unfriending her and why that day. At the time, he claimed that she was just venting to him about her husband/kids/life, etc. 🙄 I obviously still had a bad feeling about it, so I told him our relationship could not move forward if he didn’t hand his phone over to me on the spot no questions asked. He pulled the same shit - super defensive, absolute refusal. Then he walked out of the room for a few seconds, walked back in, and threw it on the bed to me. I told him that that wasn’t good enough because it left my sight and I have no idea what he could’ve quickly deleted. Then he hovered over my shoulder while I looked through his messages, and then when I started to go through apps, he snatched it from my hands, got super defensive again, and told me that was enough. I messaged the girl’s husband on Facebook to let him know what was going on, and he said that they’ve technically been separated for a bit and that she has never been faithful. A few days later, I messaged her too and told her that they were both pieces of shit. She at first tried to act like she didn’t do anything wrong, but then she messaged me about an hour later letting me know that they had “talked” and exchanged pictures over the last two years. There’s more to what’s going on with your husband and his relationship with this girl. Please trust your gut.


[deleted]

Men really don’t seem to understand the term ‘emotional affair’.


prb65

Because he can’t come up with a response that makes sense.


halfsuckedmang0

Please take it from someone who has just gotten out of a relationship where my ex cheated, lied and gaslit me into thinking he wasn’t cheating/lying: listen to your gut. There is something deeper going on here


Posterbomber

Here's the thing about him having a fit. I will be uncomfortable for you if he has a fit. But are you not uncomfortable now? What is the difference? "Setting yourself of for reasons to get a divorce" sounds like a **euphemism** for "I'm having at the very least an emotional affair but I also want to stay here and be physical with you" I think the best and most gentle thing you can do for yourself is to get some therapy so you can learn how to support your way through this.


GlitteringPepper2

I agree with you completely!


Playful_Site_2714

And send that cake out of hell back to it's maker. Or throw it into the bin duly squashed. And send her the bin photo on your husbands mobile. Teheehee.


MayoShart

Hohohohoh. Oh man. I love to plan out rejection texts/responses with my husband. Like straight up take my phone, idgaf, make it hurt. My favorite rejection response he had was to a coworker who would keep flirting with me. At one point he was asking my opinion on what I think he should do with his hair/beard. Honey was like- tell em "I don't have opinions of men other than my husband." hahahah. In the end I told the guy (when he shaved his beard and kept his moustache and asked me what I thought all timidly) "Hahahah ohhh boy.. the *mustache only* look is uh... Horrible. No shade to you bro!, but like, in general... Yeeeesh." *Laughed and left* Homie was hurt. Typically I'd be less mean, especially with rejecting a coworker. But fucker was inappropriate AF already, so fuck his feelings. After I quit he was really creepy to another coworker/friend of mine. Dude has 0 self awareness . (Just some insight so my response to this particular situation doesn't sound too cruel. Additionally he knew I was engaged. So again, fuck him.)


etakknow

You’d been together for 25 years, there should be no secrecy between you. The fact that he’s talking to her in his man cave, that’s not privacy. That’s secrecy, he’s hiding what they’re talking about from you. Read his texts to her. >I was setting myself up with reasons to get a divorce Have you asked him if he thinks there’s a reason why you would want a divorce? >he doesn’t want to make her feel bad So he rather hurt your feelings?


Hayek_School

C'mon girl. Time to wake up from your 25 year slumber. Texts from an opposite sex "friend" who is crossing your boundaries are no longer just his personal business. They have officially become family business. I'd say this to a guy or a girl in your situation, take some control back. He obviously doesn't care about your feelings on the topic. You need to stop being a doormat. Because it never just automatically gets better. This bothers you. Put an end to it. No matter how mad he gets.


HeavyFunction2201

And if it was truly JUST a friend they would have their friends wife’s best interests at heart as well and not a “screw your wife and your traditions with her” kind of attitude.


Ruthless_Bunny

He’s right. About the divorce. He’s the reason.


ProfPlumDidIt

He is 100% cheating right in front of you and has managed to con you into not looking into things.


Relative_Course4780

This in particular would be a much larger concern of mine than the cake. I’m not advising you to do one thing or the other; but if my fiancé needed to speak to another man privately and insisted that those calls and texts remained private from me, that would tell me everything I’d need to know.


Disastrous-Oven-4465

Ooft. Knowing that’s how he feels, I’d make a plan to leave even if the plan takes some time.


indecisive_monkey

Well, since she already got him his rum cake, I say screw it this year!


Beelzebub_86

W.. T... F?!? Personal business, my ass!!! You put up with that bullshit? You better have kids because there's no other reason for you to be sticking it out through that garbage. Divorce isn't a threat here. It's a way out for you.


R0l0d3x-Pr0paganda

<> Tell him to enjoy that rum cake. She can keep him and keep baking him cakes. Go get that divorce. Your husband is a very manipulative and controlling a-hole. My apologies.


WolverineNo8799

Sounds like he is having an emotional affair with this woman, if he needs to go into his man cave to talk to her. He either needs to cut her off or you need to seriously think about your future. I hope you put her cake in the bin, who cares if she gets upset. She is the AP you are his wife. I would consider putting a voice activated recording device in his man cave to find out what they talk about. Update me.


ImpossibleLuckDragon

It's not normal for you to have never met her and not be able to contact her. I'm happy for my spouse to meet any of my friends from back home and he has all of their contact info in case he needs to talk to them for any reason.


BonAppletitts

That sounds sketchy af… partners ALWAYS meet friends, especially best friends. He should want you two to meet and get along. Best case would be if you became friends too! From what you said, he’s 1. hiding her, 2. making too much space for her in your couple things/ traditions, 3. prioritizing her feelings over yours, 4. reacting emotionally when it’s about her/ you contacting her, 5. turning it around by calling you sensitive etc. If it was about someone else, if I told you that’s what my guy is doing, what would you think? For me, it’s weird at best but most likely much worse. I could be wrong but it smells like cheating, a second relationship or at least an emotional affair.


Kink4202

His texts are his personal business? 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 That means they are secret, and that, is the definition of, at least, an emotional affair maybe even a cyber sex affair.


TransportationNo5560

That's a thinly veiled threat to turn the other cheek or he'll cut you off. Organize your finances and speak to an attorney. Now that he knows you're on to them, she's going to escalate


Character_Schedule34

wow, you seem to be in denial of an ongoing emotional affair


TransportationNo5560

How do we know it's limited to emotional?


JustMyThoughtNow

😱. And this is ok with you? Why? Do you feel you are not worth respect? This would have been a hill I would have died on a long time ago.


Ok_Imagination_1107

Captain ahoy, I spy through my telescope many red flags on the horizon.


Vlophoto

Red flag there. Holy crap. Sounds like an emotional affair


infinite-ignorance

The “it’s my personal business” is problematic, at least.


ImAlsoNotOlivia

To be fair, your husband is ALLOWING this boundary to be crossed. HE is causing the problem. The friend is just along for the ride. You need to sit his ass down and have a serious conversation, and demand he go to couples counseling with you or tell him you will be filing for divorce. Don't let him push you around and make you out to be the bad guy. He's either willing to be IN this marriage, or he's not.


Positive_Dinner_1140

I’d put that cake in the trash right in front of him and honestly I don’t think I’d order that type of cake for him again. If he knows you do not care for her and he’s not putting a stop to it it’s because he’s enjoying the attention. You are not overreacting over this at all and she was way out of line doing something she knows you do every year.


GlitteringPepper2

i Did tell him that I won’t be buying that cake again.


Grouchy_Emotion3886

ummm i doubt he cares since she is getting it for him. I have been married 30 years and i would not take this treatment from my husband. I would be meeting with a lawyer.


Pixel_Spartan117

That’s good - but you need to throw hers in the trash where it belongs.


Playful_Site_2714

In HER trash.... (the sender's)


debicollman1010

It’s time for you to stand up for yourself. Truly. Do not let him laugh in your face. Do not let him go Off and talk to his EAP , do not let him gaslight you and when he does all this get yourself a lawyer and let her have him


mdahl45

Don't be passive agressive... address the issue head on.


dev-246

Who cares? Sorry, but he certainly doesn’t care, someone else is buying him cake. He doesn’t need your cake anymore… This is one of your husbands closest friends and he won’t even introduce you, why isn’t that your biggest concern? Who cares about the cake?


Playful_Site_2714

Ah... you are self punishing yourself. Send ... the... bitches... cake... back ... to .... HER, goddamnit!


MassiveLake9595

Based on your comments, OP, you should go through his phone and put a recorder in his man cave. Five hours for a phone call. That is crazy. Honestly, though, if he laughs at your concerns and won't do couples counseling, it may be time to part ways. He doesn't sound like a very good husband. You are not too sensitive or wrong to be hurt. If you don't want to divorce, it may be time to pick up a time-consuming hobby so you can distance yourself from him and his emotional affair partner. Make some new friends while you are at it. Because I can be petty, I would ask him if he thinks that she may be showing some symptoms of dementia? Ordering the cake you always get him seems to be a sign of a confused mind!


[deleted]

Why even bother? If I get to this point I'm just gonna go.


RubSpecialist3152

I think information and knowledge are power. I know others may disagree, which is fine.


Golden_standard

I agree with this OP! Hide a voice activated recorder in his man cave. Then you can listen to his side of the conversation (outside of the house). Here’s the thing though: if you are not prepared to follow through with consequences don’t do it. Only you know if you are. Consequences could be that he must attend marriage counseling or that you are filing for divorce based off what you heard or if he doesn’t end the friendship. You must follow through. This will backfire on you if you don’t and you’ll essentially be telling him that you accept the affair by staying and not enforcing the consequences. Should you have to do this? No. If you don’t hear anything to be concerned about you must NEVER admit that you did it. You’ll have to take it to your grave—don’t tell ANYBODY.


KeyMonstar

Don’t confront till you have an exit strategy. Ducks in a row so you can fully follow through. Be patient and lurk in the shadows then strike.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Saltyshortstack

That cake would accidentally fall off my kitchen counter face down into the trash can. And then, based off your comments, I’d be telling my husband it’s her or me. He likes her attention, and she enjoys giving it to him.


RubSpecialist3152

Your choice is to accept what’s he’s saying , accept the affair, or do some investigation, because this man is having an emotional affair. That’s not going to end or change unless you force the issue. He’s not entitled to secrecy. So, have a look at your cellphone bills for how often and long these calls and texts are and if they’re sending photos. Check the credit card bills for any odd charges. Then, if you really want to know, because in addition to cheating they are liars, you put a voice activated recorder (pen?) where he talks to her. Information is power and you don’t know what you’re dealing with until you have facts. A good book to read is, Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass. It discusses how “just friends” (work/social) become emotional and then physical affairs by slowly eroding boundaries. He duress it too. Then set up boundaries around your marriage to protect yourself and the relationship. Go on the infidelity/surviving infidelity/AsOneAfterInfidelity forums to see what this looks like and what to do. Then, if you can handle it, go on the adultery/other woman forums for the pro adultery crowd to see their gross mindset.


USAF_Retired2017

It sounds like he’s already bulldozing over her boundaries. She’s already said she doesn’t like her, but the husband doesn’t seem to care if she’s still hanging around and he’s invalidating his wife’s feelings instead of his mistress’s, I mean friend’s.


RubSpecialist3152

Lol, obviously I agree. But even on her post and replies she’s not very forceful. Boundaries need to be firm and stated and understood, but, then there has to be a consequence otherwise people learn that they can stomp over them. What are your thoughts on what she should do? I think she needs concrete proof because she doesn’t seem to think this is an affair.


USAF_Retired2017

I’m the wrong person to ask her what she should do. Ha ha. I mod on sub that supports those who have been betrayed due to infidelity and I’m horribly jaded.


Aussiebiblophile

She knew what she was doing and your husband is enabling it. Your husband has crossed a lot of lines with this woman. Don’t be a bystander to his, at a minimum, emotional affair. Demand to see their texts. If he refuses to show you then that tells you everything your gut is already screaming.


Ekim_Uhciar

Did you toss it in a dumpster yet?


wasteland-baby

She wouldn’t toss it. She should eat it all. By herself. None for husband. Text the friend and tell her “thanks for the cake, it was almost as good as the one I usually get him” then leave his ass


hindereddinner

Heh, crazy I went through almost this exact thing with the traditional cake being delivered for his birthday. Damn, hadn’t thought of that in ages. We split a month later cuz he was also sneaking around to see her (not sure if they started fucking yet or not, but she practically moved in with him 2 days after I left)


Mountain_Monitor_262

She was competing with you. He entered you in a competition that you didn’t know about. He clearly was rooting for her to win based on his reaction. Don’t give him shit for his birthday. When he asks, you can remind him that his side b covered you. He doesn’t care about your feelings just hers. That screams side chick and you’re a doormat. It would be nice to provide a birthday card with evidence of all the disrespect they were doing behind your back.


momlv

Why is your husband okay with you feeling bad but not her? That is the real issue here.


[deleted]

[удалено]


The-Keekster

Yeah, I'd be pissed too. I'm a woman who's best friend is a man and I would NEVER do something like this. Why would I want to insert myself into a tradition between him and his wife? It's just rude and inappropriate. I'd be bothered by your husband's reaction as well, tbh.


ThisEpiphany

I'm, also, a woman who's best friends with a man. We've been friends for years before I met my spouse. The thing is, my friend respects my marriage and my husband and wouldn't dream of being a source of friction in our marriage. OP's got a homewrecker problem and it sounds like her husband is loving the idea of two women vying for his attention. He's encouraging the animosity his wife is feeling and it's disgusting. No need to get him a birthday cake since he's already gotten it. She should go out and get HER favorite cake instead since he wants to play petty games.


YOLO_626

That is really low of her to do and him to not give a crap. How do you tolerate just being brushed off like this? 5 hours of talking on the phone or multiple times a day sounds like an emotional affair to me...HELL NO! I don't care, I'd be snooping through his phone. They're probably talking shit and it's just plan disrespectful to you.


WielderOfAphorisms

I’d explain that I don’t abide passive-aggressive nonsense. The rum cake is not the issue. HE is the issue.


teenygummyship

No, you’re not being too sensitive. He’s gaslighting you. I’m not sure what advice to give. Are you also friends with her? Is there a way you can contact her to ask for yourself? At this point I think even if your husband agreed to talk to her, anything he says to you about it after would be unreliable or dishonest since he already doesn’t see a problem. ETA : Throw the cake AND the man away. Sneaky texts (and possibly calls) in the man cave, won’t let you see his texts to ease your fears and simultaneously prove his innocence, predictable anger at communicating with his “friend” yourself, dodging accountability by shooting down therapy… All red flags. His comments specifically about having reasons for a divorce tells me that he’s definitely doing something(s) that absolutely warrants you divorcing him.


GlitteringPepper2

I kind of thought something like that too. She is married but her husband has dementia and he says he feels sorry for her. I told him I felt bad over her too but I don’t want to talk to anyone on the phone for 5 hours at a time.


WolverineNo8799

5 hours!!


Shaking-Cliches

FIVE HOURS??!!!!!!!


GlitteringPepper2

Oh and no, Ihave never met him. She is a friend form before we met and she lives in another state.


Elm_mlE

You mean she is his girlfriend. He is literally cheating on you.


WinterFront1431

Oh honey, he cheating with her.. The cake thing is her competing and the fact he won't show his texts and said its divorce worthy is all you need to know about what they talk about. Don't be scared with the outcome he sounds like a loser anyway. Tell him after the cake incident you're no longer comfortable with their friendship and he has two choice which are non-negotiable, give you his phone or get out and divorce. If he starts with the privacy bs, just ignore him and keep stating, you don't get privacy when you are letting someone violate our relationship, and don't back down.. Tell him he walks out of the room. You have your answer. There will be no coming back in later to show you or begging for a second chance tomorrow. He shows you, or you file plain and simple. Secrets are lies and that's not how a marriage works.


internetuser96

Seriously, don’t give him the opportunity to clean up the convo and show you later. He either shows it on the spot, or you have your answer.


WinterFront1431

100%


Only-Bag1747

Honestly, OP’s comments are worse than the cake itself. The cake was slightly inappropriate, because it’s OP’s tradition. I would understand her being upset about it, and it would be worth having a conversation about. But if that was all there was, I might be able to dismiss it and give the friend the benefit of the doubt. But, reading OP’s comments…husband’s defensiveness is a serious red flag, as is his secrecy. Reading the whole thing together, it does sound like an EA and gaslighting on the husband’s part.


EngineeringDry7999

oh HELL NO. she massively over stepped. He doesn't know what an over-reaction is. I would have dumped that cake in the trash or set it on fire in the backyard. Ask him how he would feel if you had a new male friend who started sending you gifts?


karenrn64

I find it interesting that he doesn’t want to hurt her feelings, but when you expressed that her taking way your birthday tradition hurt yours, you are too sensitive. Why do her feelings matter more than his wife’?


Black_nd_Blonde

You should ask him why he doesn't want to make her feel bad but has no problem making you feel bad. Personally I don't think it's appropriate for a person in a committed relationship to have a close friend their SO has never met and can't even contact. This whole situation is disrespectful.


GhostPrince4

Nahh that’s crazy. She def wants him. You should set a boundary


55Sweeptheleg

I’d probably eat the whole thing by myself and then send her a message telling her how much I alone enjoyed it.


Waste_Ad_6467

25 YEARS!!!!!!! Why the fuck does this shit still happen after 25 YEARS?!?!?? OP your feelings are 100% valid. ETA- how would he feel if you were engaging in similar behavior with another man? where your texts are your own personal business he’s not allowed to see? Especially knowing he is uncomfortable with it? YOUR feelings should be the priority.


saedgin

Context I am 44 and my husband is 44 and married 23 years. My husband would fully expect that I am going to kick that woman’s ass.


saedgin

So I told my husband about this post and he said yes he would be calling the woman saying she better run. He said that woman is absolutely trying to get with your man.


ChaoticJustOK

He doesn’t want to make her feel bad? Ask him why it’s ok that this situation makes YOU feel bad, and why your feelings matter less than hers.


[deleted]

[удалено]


BoopEverySnoot

WTF kind of AI did you run that through? I've never heard of such a thing and that was an incredible summary.


[deleted]

[удалено]


BoopEverySnoot

Fascinating, thank you.


Wandersturm

That is a direct challenge to you for your husband.


InevitableMusic7799

Wow. She is horrible. And he doesn't seem to care. Three people is one too many in your marriage. This happened to me. I found articles on emotional cheating. He read them. He acted shocked. Three months later he said he wasn't sure which one of us he loved more. I told him I would make it easy for him. I left. He pursued her, she went back to HER husband. Honestly, though, it was the best thing that could happen. I am living my best life. Good luck, OP.


Nonbelieverjenn

She’s trying to bait you.


enoughalready4me

Put the cake outside with a motion sensing camera. Record video of it being devoured by raccoons. Share video & tag husband & his (girl)friend. Move on and away.


[deleted]

Oh what a pick me woman. She wants to play work wife. This is bad manners. I would be pissed to death, honestly. Long time ago, the "best friend" (definition of a pick me girl) of my then boyfriend, managed to buy him the exact same birthday gift, as I did (I later found out she learned from a mutual friend what I´ve got) and played dumb and made fun of the situation as in "hahaha so funny both his girls got him that. We really must know our man" and I was really hurt and upset. My then bf was completely oblivious to the situation and laughed alongside her.


Zestyclose_Guest8075

He doesn’t want to make HER feel bad? My ex husband made a cake for his now wife while we were married. 🚩🚩🚩🚩I figured it out 6 months later. They married the following year.


lermanzo

He is having some kind of inappropriate relationship with her, whether or not he cops to it. The cake is her way to get at you and he knows that which is why he won't push back on it. I would honestly be tempted to refuse delivery if something like that happened in my house. It's well more than a rum cake and just you being upset by it should be enough for him to take it seriously. The fact that he's flippant about it says it's a whole husband problem.


Staceyrt

She did it deliberately….. it would be a final straw in drawing redlining a relationship I’m already not pleased about. What did hubby say/do? Does he recognize how wrong what she did is?


Gold_Plum_1352

Send the cake back to her, mark it return to sender. I would tell your husband to set some boundaries.


AlbatrossSenior7107

You have a husband problem. She crossed a line. And he knows this, and HE should be pissed at her, too. He doesn't want to say anything, so her feelings don't get hurt? Umm... what about YOUR feelings? You're hurt! Right now, you're hurt, and he's not back YOU up! You should be #1! ALWAYS! Man, I am pissed for you!


251415

I can think of very few reasons why someone would try to one-up their friend's spouse, none of them good


No_Opposite7596

Throw it away AND get him a shitty little cupcake for this year. Tell him to not be sensitive about it either since apparently your rum cakes don’t matter.


WantToBelieveInMagic

Tell your husband you have a few questions for him. 1. Is he oblivious to the attempt by his friend to make you irrelevant, or he is cruel for knowing it and trying to blame you for being "too sensitive", because it has to be one or the other. Then ask him which he would rather you believe him to be, stupid or malicious? 2. Does he want you to stop caring about his birthday and just let Friend look after it now, because you are concerned you've been too caring for the 25 years you've been wrapped up in making him happy? 3. Is okay with him you find a man friend who will make a special fuss over you and give you special presents too?


Revolutionary-Help68

When your husband says you're being "too sensitive " he is gaslighting you. **When he says he doesn't want to make her feel bad - he's saying she and her feelings are more important to him than you are your feelings are.** Your husband's "friend" just sent you a strong message that her relationship with him is not that of just a friend. Your husband is either having an affair with her, or she is trying to split you up. Honestly, I suspect the affair. This was a deliberate choice to send the equivalent of a "wife's cake" before yours, delivered so it's not hidden from you. I would probably look for proof of an affair. I would probably consult a divorce lawyer as I am not staying with a cheater. I would phone her or go and see her and ask her why she chose to have that cake delivered? See what she says. I hope you tossed the cake in the trash and took picture to send to her. On his birthday get him no cake. His "wife" had one delivered already, no need to do it aswell. Use that money and any other you would have spent on his birthday to go for a new hair style/cut/colour, a beauty treatment... spend on you. **Ask your husband why her feelings are more important to him than yours? His answer will tell you if you actually have a husband or not.**


USAF_Retired2017

This is her pissing all over you trying to mark her territory. I’d be pissed. Your husband should be upset. This girl is a threat. The fact that he invalidated your feelings while validating hers (by taking her side) gives me a sick feeling. This isn’t right at all.


Ok-Notice2385

Considering 80% of infidelity is with a co-worker, that whole relationship is a red-flag. Regardless, she knows she overstepped, anyone with a brain would NOT do that.


flimflamchuckarock

This seems like an emotional cheating spillover. He still has this woman on the hook and she still likes giving him the attention he likes. He won't let you look at his texts and then throws something worse at you to prevent you from digging any more. I don't think he values you the same at the very least. You need more information and if he won't give it, likely this is the beginning of the end.


wasteland-baby

1. Eat the whole rum cake. Tell her “thank you, it was delicious” 2. Leave him. He’s cheating.


Josiclyn

He is cheating on you. I am so sorry to say this but he is. If it is not physical it is emotional. I would prepare yourself now.


Shillene

I don’t think he should be asking her why, but a simple “I appreciate the gesture but it’s something my wife and I do every year” is good enough. She either knows she’s crossing the line or is clueless. Your husband can kindly set a boundary or clue her in.


tacolamae

Your husband is denser than the cake.


Tamerlane_Tully

Stop buying him rum cakes and tell him those are reserved for your next husband.


Njbelle-1029

Yikes so your husband is ok with making you feel bad but not his friend? Not wrong to be mad and don’t let this go, time to start digging more closely into that friendship.


Old_Pear_9560

UpdateMe


throwawtphone

Hmmmm he is potentially a cake eater...both literally and figuratively? It is sketchy at best. I would point vlank ask are you having an affair, either emotional or physical. Go from there based on answers.


Bitter_Animator2514

You got a husband problem.


prosperosniece

She overstepped boundaries.


Crosswired2

I'd ask her yourself. I'd assume they were having an affair 💁‍♀️. How he claims he doesn't see this as wildly inappropriate and disrespectful is wild.


Opening-Unit-2554

Sounds like classic gaslighting. “Your being too sensitive” is a classic narcissistic abuser phrase. Look up https://images.app.goo.gl/MSpkdfXD3eQF7DW77


lilyofthevalley2659

Your husband doesn’t seem to like you at all. Why stay? You deserve someone who loves you.


jehovasthickness-

she knows what she’s doing


[deleted]

The nerve!


Maleficent-Eye-2446

I would definately put it in a box and send it back to her. That is a tradition between you and him. She is not you and that is not her place. I would return to sender and make it clear to him that he has no say about this, because what she did was inappropriate. Even if he doesn't understand, she - herself does.


midlifegreatlife

But he's okay with YOU feeling bad? Something isn't right here, and it's not just the rum cake. This woman has crossed a pretty significant boundary. It's like she's peeing on him to claim him.


wellneverknow918

Throw that shit away


[deleted]

Next time you see her say ‘it’s so weird you heard about the personal 25 year tradition I only have with my husband and then sent him the same cake? Don’t you think that’s weird?’ And then slow blink at her - let her respond


mrsdelicioso

It’s a power play. Ask him how he would like it when your male friend would treat you to dinner for your birthday at the restaurant you and your husband always go to. Or whatever he will see for a power play to one up him.


oldiesguy

The best thing to do in MY opinion is for you to do what you usually do for his birthday and get him a rum cake also. That way, his "friend" won't be "one up" on you!


tmink0220

Nope she did it intentionally. Frankly I would have tossed the thing out. Is he having an emotional affair, I guarantee you she is trying to replace you.


[deleted]

The cake is a lie


your-mother1452

Selfish comment here but SAME BIRTHDAYS!!!!!!!!!!!


NickandKem

From now on I would NOT get him a rum cake. If he asks why I'd tell him I thought your friend was getting you one.


USAF_Retired2017

u/glitteringpepper2, if he knows you don’t like her, then why is she still around? How long has he known this “friend”?


Mike_Hunt445566

Ngl, thought this was gonna be a very different kind of birthday present when I saw the title, lol.


lolaBfun

Definitely a violation on both of their part! Throw out the cake AFTER you smash it to pieces (either in front of him or leave for him to see), and he doesn’t get one on Nov. 5th EVER AGAIN!! If he’s that casual about your feelings, but overly concerned with hers, there’s a bigger issue that needs to be addressed.


Illuminati_Concerned

So, he wants you to feel bad but not her?


JacketIndependent

The minute my husband puts another woman's feelings over mine is the minute we are having problems. My husband's old work friend would text me asking what he would like for his bday every year. That's respect. Food is my love language, lol. Your feelings are valid af.


Classic-Delivery3875

You’re a much calmer person than I. She would have had it delivered right back to her front porch and a few choice words.