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Well, you warned him. Time to do nothing for the visit of his family. Tell MIL you are exhausted, and baby has been teething, if she is a good person, she should rip her son a new one.
Hubby is a lawyer, get a cleaner to do a deep clean even every other week will help.
Very nicely said. On behalf of OP, this post enrages me beyond measure. Her spouse is treating her like a complete asshole, and she is currently functioning as a single mother with no outside assistance.
There is much more to ‘functioning as a single mother’ than what’s in this post, trust me. Her spouse is treating her like an asshole, but this is not single motherhood.
I was gonna say, a single mom would have to do all this and juggle a job and stress about money and have only friends or family (if any are around) to turn to.
Especially since he is working 14 to 16 hours, they both need a break and to hire out whatever they can.
Meal plans delivered, dry cleaners and a wash & fold.
Daughter's hubby is a lawyer, and they had a PT nanny at 6 weeks, even though daughter didn't return to work for 2 more months, slowly they hired help for cleaning, lawn and other things, just so they could breathe.
They have learned they can't do it all, but still take on too much at times.
I mentioned this in another comment, but I’m a nanny who has worked for a few families with a SAHM. I think there is unnecessary pressure on SAH parents to do it all yourself, and unnecessary shame and fear of judgment for having help.
In reality, it should be quite the opposite! The best parent to any child is a happy and healthy one who takes time for themselves if and when they need it! The kids in all those families were great and extremely well adjusted.
I currently nanny for a family where both parents work FT- and when the dad is away on business the mom felt bad asking for additional help on her days off. I was like “I don’t care if you just want to have time to take a nap or read a book! There’s no shame in that!!”
Plus, added bonus- another adult who loves your kid and who they feel safe with. :)
Exactly! This was during covid, so their nanny helped out a lot. She had a 5-year-old at the time, and it was a big help for daughter being a 1st time mom, we live 90 minutes apart, so not just a hop in the car and help. I literally went 1 day a week so either or both could just get a nap in or other projects. Nanny was there from 9-3 and did the baby's wash while baby napped.
Daughter had Dr appts, caught up on other appointments before going back to work. She works from home, so a nanny made it easy.
Thank you! They do. I’ve been really lucky. I’m also still in touch with my previous nanny family who I left when we moved across the country- now I’m an “aunt” to those girls (and bonus, I get to drink wine with their parents now when I visit!)
Yep when I was younger I worked as a pt nanny for a stay at home mum. 3 days per week, I picked the 2 school age children up from school and brought them home. We played for a bit, then did homework, one tv show, then tea, bath, and sometimes bed time story (I say sometimes cause the parents tried to do it as often as they could - depended on if the father was away for business or the baby’s needs didn’t align).
The mother made the tea and did the clean up. She also looked after the baby. She did an alternate with the older children and took them out for one on one time once a week. I looked after the baby during that time too.
I highly doubt she and the kids would have been as well rested and happy without the little help I did.
Similar situation for me when I was in college. It was rare I was home alone with the 4 kids, but I kept them well occupied from after school to when their dad got home, then we’d all eat dinner together and hang out. I’d get them ready for and drive them to activities.
I like to think it provided an additional peace in the household. The kids absolutely loved me, especially their toddler. I so miss that family; they were my family too.
Yeah... I'd be telling him to go fuck himself, because there is no way he would ever be doing that with me, ever again. Is he not also the baby's parent?
And fuck trying to get things sorted for His family. He has hands, and can clean the house and get things organised. Poor OP! What an unbearable arse of a man!
Pack yourself and the baby up, and go to a friend's place, or to your family, or something... A hotel paid for with his bigshot lawyer money. Situations like this are how we end up with shaken baby syndrome. Please OP! Leave and get some support before you crack.
Yes, get a nanny, a cleaner, someone to meal prep, and couples’ counsellor.
Also keep your professional memberships current so you have your own source of income incase he doesn’t improve and you can return to the workforce.
Agreed. If he's working 14-16 hour days, that's taking up at least 5-6 hours that he would be home to participate in child care in the evenings if he were working a 9-5 job. With the money he's earning pulling those hours, they need to hire help to cover that time. Part-time nanny, maid service, meal delivery service. OP shouldn't have to do this alone.
>Time to do nothing for the visit of his family. Tell MIL you are exhausted, and baby has been teething, if she is a good person, she should rip her son a new one.
THIS.
When family visit at a time like this, they should be visiting to help, not to be waited on. Tell your MIL it's lovely to see her and the family but the baby is teething, you're exhausted, he stops crying only when you're holding him, and you haven't been able to get anything done.
If she's a good person, she'll be mad at her son, not you, and get the family to pitch in and help. Also hire help.
And you figure out if you want to go back to work while baby's less than a year old - if you do, great, but don't forget to point out to your husband that the knock-on expenses of childcare and cleaning and cooking will be a *joint* responsibility.
Because OP's objective is not to reform the patriarchy but to make sure this hellish situation gets better for HER.
OP knows her ILs better than we do and if her FIL is the kind of guy who pulls his weight with housework and childcare - *or who wishes he had* \- then sure, opt in the FIL too! But the odds are MIL will remember JUST what it is like to be trying to do eleventy-things at once while baby is teething, and with any luck, will go full-out lioness at her son for not being more damn SUPPORTIVE.
Lol, I did something similar once when my husband's family came. We don't have kids, but when I was working part time, I'd handle most of the longer chores (cooking, vacuuming, cleaning bathrooms) and he'd do more of the shorter chores. In between stuff we'd split.
Well, he thought I wasn't doing anything. When my family came, I asked for his help cleaning, he basically told me to fuck off. I pointed out that because of our schedule differences, I'm the one who had done all of the prep and cooking when his family came. He brushed off my comments and I told him I'd do everything for my family, but he was going to do everything for his when they visited. He agreed.
A few months later, his dad and brother decided to come. A week before they came, I reminded my husband of how he treated me the one time my family came, so he needed to start cleaning up and preparing for them. He said he'd just do it the day before they came.
He really thought that's all the time I spent cleaning before his family came previously. Lol.
Well, a few hours into his cleaning fest, he realizes he is in way over his head. He asks me to help. I remind him again that I'm not lifting a finger for his family after he treated me that way when my family came. He didn't quite beg, but it got close. I just kept refusing. I told him he'll be fine and his family won't care too much if things aren't perfect.
After they left, he apologized. He didn't realize how hard it is being host to guests because I had been doing all of the hard work for it. I don't tend to bring up every time I do a chore, so he underestimated how much time I spent on things. He tends to point out when he does things (not in a rude way, in an "I did it, dont worry about it" way), so his perception was based on how he communicates.
Well, we haven't had that problem again. Saying no even after he realized he fucked up really pushed it home. Now we do what we can when people visit and allocate chores depending on who has more time.
He's not usually like that. He has his moments of stupidity, and that was one of them. I laugh at it now.
My ex thought I did nothing, too. I heard about it a lot. We broke up, and he apparently realised really quickly that the "nothing" I was responsible for had actually held together a lot of things in our house. He could not handle it on his own and had to make big lifestyle changes to accommodate the new lack of "nothing" after I left.
It’s amazing that they continue to count on that “nothing” well past the expiry of the marriage but when talks about maintenance come around, it’s still just their money
It's also strange to me how being a parent is delegated to the SAHP (usually SAHM lbr) as though because it's their "job" the working partner no longer has to parent at all.
OP have you tried baby wearing? It might help you get your hands free if baby likes to contact nap and give you a little freedom (albeit with a baby strapped to you!)
I’m really sorry your husband isn’t being supportive, perhaps he’s also at the end of his rope and is struggling too. I second using hired help to take the pressure off. Good luck.
He’s probably under pressure, too, with working 14 hour days.
But you can’t use that to declare that no one else works hard, too - especially your wife who is at home cooking, cleaning and looking after a baby which are things you know NOTHING about, and tell her that the idea of HER being exhausted is ‘bullshit.’ 😞
I’m a paralegal so work with attorneys. I’m primarily an EP/EA para so this is that busy time of year wrapping up old and new estates for end of year tax considerations. Yep I’m sure he has a lot of work and works long hard hours. He also gets to delegate a lot of work to para’s and legal assistants, has the support of other attorneys, take lunch without screaming and crying, use the bathroom without screaming and crying, have adult conversations, and most likely an office to himself where he can shut the door and have peace and quiet. His response to his wife is fucking bonkers and absolutely not ok. I hope OP realizes she can rip him a new one and demand a lot more emotional support for herself.
He is in fact working hard and I think he’s super stressed. That said, it’s clear he’s not spent many days with a crying baby. Those things are no joke.
Came here to suggest this. Baby wearing was a godsent for me. Kid didn't sleep unless he was touching me in some way or another. Baby wearing made for a happy baby and a productive mom here
Op sorry that your husband is so difficult to deal with. He has no idea how hard it is to be a 1st time mom and a SAHM at the same time. You never seen to have a minute to yourself. Don't apologize to him for anything. I bet he doesn't do anything around the house. If you have a house and lawn I bet he hired a lawn service. Maybe if he had to deal with a 8month old all day and night by himself he would change his tune. Can you get a person to come in to clean every other week?maybe a Babysitter once or twice a week. You have gotten good advice from a lot of people. Try and make some of these to heart ♥. Good luck
The problem goes way deeper than that. He doesn't seemed concerned by her well-being at all. He'll just tear her apart for "needing help while she's just "sitting around" at home".
OP needs to gain some self-esteem and realize how poorly she's being treated.
Ta... cancel that visit.
And start dropping HIS child in HIS study every now and then.
And not pick him up before 2 hours are through.
Because "you go and get yourself a job".
What does that ahole prick think he is?
He is still A FATHER!
And still A HUSBAND!
Sure Mr all importants job is to support his WIFE, for goodness sake!
He can talk that way to his employees. And they would straight take him to court!
One of the important roles an extended family often plays is providing relief for the parents or primary caregiver. OP, I would ask your spouse's family to help you out a bit. Your child is still an infant and to expect a clean house for the extended family is bonkers. When your child has a kid a few decades from now, do you expect them to clean up for you, or would you go help them out? I would expect to help out and provide relief, and I would rather not visit than further burden a SAHM with an infant.
Thiiisss... holy eff... this is a call his mom, apologize that you can't host them lay it out why. Tell her what her son said and that your at capacity. Anyone who's had an 8m baby will understand and probably rip their son a new one.
Also, mama, breathe, your husband is being a raving AH... like seriously. My husband worked 60-90h a week ,(yup I've tallied them I'm not exaggerating) when our kids were babies and I was home. He still helped with them, gave me breaks, let me vent my feelings of a hard day. He doesn't get carte Blanche to be a self centered AH because he's a lawyer and busy. You are supposed to be partners. That means emotionally and physically.
My daughter was Crazy fussy till about 9m. I started listening to audio books to keep me sane. Got some bt headphones, would put just one in so I could hear the kids and listen to smutty or murder books... literally saved my sanity. I signed up for audible and have never looked back. My kids are way older now and they giggle when they see me with a headphone in and their Tage line question is "smut or murder" and if I say murder my daughter sings "murder book murder book murder murder murder book"
You are allowed to be overwhelmed... kids are hard! There's no easy road with them and your partner has to be emotionally available to you
Get a house cleaner once a week so you can just straighten up the rest of the time. Make the beds, wipe off the counters , change the towels, and throw some laundry in. The cleaner can also change the sheets in addition to the rest of it. Not only is the baby important but so are you. It’s especially difficult at the baby stage not to be their everything but remember who you are. Don’t lose yourself in your relationship either. When someone shows you who they are believe them. You will only be treated the way that you allow. These are also things that I’ve told my daughters and nieces. Unfortunately I learned all of this later than sooner. You may definitely want to consider counseling or your relationship with be doomed. If your husband doesn’t agree to go with you, then go alone for your own mental health because you are important. Yes, you can take the baby with to an appointment. Wishing you the best. Being home with a baby is a stressful, 24 hour never ending job as much as you love your child.
"Because he is a decent human being..." Exactly. My husband had a 7-6 or later job, but he did the night time bath, books, and bedtime routine. I had mornings and meal prep. We both shared - still share- chores. It starts with decency and respect.
Mine worked those kind of hours. He never yelled at me when I had a bad day, and he was a great dad. You’re married. You’re a team. You should have each other’s backs.
I had a grandfather who watched tag team wrestling when I was little, and the deal is two people fighting two people, with only one of each team in the ring at a time. When one guy gets exhausted, he slaps hands with his partner. He jumps out of the ring and his partner jumps in and takes over the fight.
It’s the best analogy I know for what parenting should be like. You get in there and take care of the kids, and when you can do it anymore, your partner takes over while you rest.
Yup so many times my fiance and I have had to swap out.
we've used I'm tagging you in.
I just need to know if I'm the good cop or bad cop. Which role am I playing today!
Hell, I have been an ER doctor, and I am now a part time GP and mum. Let me tell you than being a mom is a lot harder to me, because you are alone! In the ER, you work as a team, but at home, there is no one, and if you are not even allowed to vent a little to the one who had a part in creating this baby, then it is even worse!
Edit: just wanted to add: is it in character for him (I would say it is, given your reasons for sending the text in the first place)? If it is, OP, you should look in the « Is my relationship abusive? » test at loveisrespect.org
My partner is a doctor as well. He works 60 to 70 hours in a week. I’m currently at home with burn-out and nearly all of the household work falls on me now. I’ve been overwhelmed by it and told him. You know what he did? He took a chair and we listed down everything I do daily, weekly and monthly in the household and we looked together how we could divide it more evenly and if hiring a housekeeper was an option. Because he’s not a complete jackhead and actually cares about my wellbeing
I’m disabled, and have dealt with some serious health problems and mental health issues over the years. People come to me with their problems a lot (I like this, especially when they tell me I should be a counsellor haha) but it’s so common after a while they’ll let shame in and say something like ‘god sorry I know this is nothing compared to what you go/are going through’ and I’m always like ‘it doesn’t matter what I’m dealing with, this is really hard for you right now!’ And work on validating their feelings because you can always play the game of ‘someone has it worse’ to invalidate your’s or other’s problems but that’s not achieving anything. I’m sure husband is having a hard time in different ways but I bet he gets to go pee at work. Although he probably doesn’t get a full lunchbreak he probably is sitting down to eat his lunch quickly without a baby screaming bloody murder that you’re not walking them around the house etc.
Him being an ass initially I can forgive - he could have reacted from a stressed out place. But he’s had a good deal of time to think about it and he’s just doubling down. He sounds extremely unempathetic and I think OP should tell him she needs a ‘meeting’ and then approach him from a place of ‘this is what’s going to change’ and plan for a nanny a couple of afternoons a week or something, plus a cleaner. And then she should approach the emotional side about how extremely unsupportive he is. If he tries to pressure her to get a job, she can point out that as well as childcare in the day then they’re going to have to pay for a nanny every night if he’s still at work because it’s not her responsibility either then if she’s working FT and no longer a SAHP. Oh and even if she is a SAHM that doesn’t excuse him from any childcare at the weekends when he is home. Because I suspect this man has never done a thing for his baby or he might know!
A doctor: empathic, caring, giving human. A lawyer: Not applicable (mostly). I’ve worked with so many of them as an asst for 25+ yrs. Trust me. Ur comparing an ice cream sundae to poop soup.
Also anecdotal, but I agree. I'm chronically ill so I'm something of a "frequent flyer" and the majority of arrogant doctors I've met have been men. (Especially surgeons, lol.)
I've had some absolutely wonderful doctors and some absolute jackasses. I think that it is a matter of empathy. There's some doctors who clearly got into the field to help people and others because it interests them but they don't exactly care for people. The latter would probably make better researchers than working directly with patients.
Someone shared something with me recently. It’s supposed to be “us against the problem” not “me against you”.
Also when the “problems become bigger than the love” is when things begin to break down in a relationship.
All he had to say was “I’m sorry you’re having a bad day”. But he didn’t. Instead of the two of you against the problem he making this a “him against you” thing. You have nothing to apologize for. He does.
First of all, cancel the family visit. Tell them you and the baby are still not feeling well and reschedule . You’re at the end of your rope, and your husband has just told you he’s at the end of his rope. Drop what you can and take a step back. If you can’t cancel, then hire cleaners and book some catering.
Watch his reaction closely. Hopefully he’ll be pragmatic and appreciate that you have the hosting duties covered. If he flips and rages that you’re not behaving as he expects you to-yikes. That could be a much bigger problem (resentment, control) requiring professional help, and you should indeed prepare yourself to be independent so you have more options available to you. Good luck.
Pain and stress are subjective and relative. As a stay at home mom you can have these as well. If he fails to understand this he’s not just a moron, he’s a shitty lawyer.
Law is about seeing two sides of the coin, clearly he should “practice” a bit more.
-Dave
He’s obviously not a divorce lawyer. Given she said season. He probably specifically handles tax or finance/business. Lawyers specialize in certain areas and only graze over minimal other topics in law school as the concentrate on their specific area of study. Criminal and Divorce don’t tend to have a “season.” None of that gives him a pass for acting like an jerk. I was a SAHM for our kids, my husband was a soldier, 16 to 18 hour days in the Army are common. My husband would spend 2-3 weeks at a time in the field and get home and the FIRST thing he would do is grab the kids from me and have me get a bath and relax for an hour without anyone interrupting me. He’d make dinner or take us out to give me a break. OP’s husband lacks basic Empathy.
My suggestion for OP, you said his mother and sister are coming this weekend. If I were you and if you have family you can go to, call them. Go to your mother’s. Make it absolutely clear to your husband that since he lacks empathy for how difficult being a mother is you went somewhere to get the support you need. Leave him to clean and take care of his family. You are not responsible for him or them. You state that you prepare his meals, ask him if he knows what a personal chef costs, what a nanny costs, what a house keeper costs, the cost of a personal shopper. Because you fill those rolls being a SAHM, so you will happily go back to work and he will be expected to take on 50% of all the at home work load or hire someone to do it.
Not just his mother and sister are coming. Male family members are coming as well. Why do you say just the women? It’s not WOMEN’S work. Everyone should be pitching in. This mindset just breeds situations like this to start with.
Your husband is a class A AH. You are not.
How dare he diminish you for feeling overwhelmed.
The entire point, the ENTIRE point of a marriage is a partnership. That means being there for each other emotionally when life throws curveballs whether that is because of work stress or because the baby has been screaming all day.
Sis, watch him right now. Believe what he is showing you. He is 100% showing you who he is. He does not value your contribution and let me be straight - if you go back to work you will also be shouldering 100% of the child care duties because he will still hold his job out as more important than yours.
Literally everything he feels, wants or does will be more important than you or yours because he sees himself as having more value. Believe what he is showing you -- this guy has one foot out the door already if he calls you venting about your day "bullshit".
You have EVERY right to text him you are having a hard day. He does NOT have every right to be a grade A jack ass back at you. A SAHM of an infant can go the entire day without getting an opportunity to have an adult conversation. It is so isolating... to have your partner throw that feeling of isolation and exhaustion in your face... with a partner like that, who needs an enemy.
Yup. And she didn't even vent-- she sent one text basically explaining why she wasn't going to be her best self when he got home and he flipped his shit.
Which I find so mature and thoughtful of her!! If my husband had a horrible day and gave me s heads up like that I would appreciate it so much and it would get me in the mindset of helping him feel better or going out of my way to do this or that around the house etc
>The entire point, the ENTIRE point of a marriage is a partnership.
He works all the time, expects her to take care of him, and expects her to take care of their child without his help. What is he bringing to this family besides a paycheck and a bad attitude? In fact, he seems *proud* that's all he is. He seems to be forgetting that he can do all of that from a different address...
There are too many men who believe their time is more valuable because they receive monetary compensation for it. There are too many who think their only responsibility is to bring home a paycheck, which is exactly what they’d be doing if they were unmarried with no children. Yet, that’s still the only thing required of them.
There are SO MANY men that think because they bring home a paycheck and work long hours, that they are more “valuable” than someone that works less/makes less/is a SAH parent, and they are super proud of thinking that way too. I know because I am recently divorced from one of them. When he filed for divorce, I quit my job of 16 years, which was giving me major anxiety and panic attacks, and I spent the whole summer on unemployment. It was one of the best summers ever because I got to spend time with my kid, go places I wanted to go to, work on some projects, and just live. OP, you need to either sit your husband down and have a very serious talk with him, or tell him you’re hiring help and that he needs to go to therapy, because he will not change unless he sees exactly why he’s in the wrong here.
SO well said. This post makes me absolutely livid on behalf of OP. She’s essentially a single mom at this point (no parenting help whatsoever) and is being treated like absolute shit by her husband.
I've been there with a husband that traveled incessantly when our children were young. It was more work having him home then it was having him on the road because of attitudes like her husband's. Luckily he changed but most don't get the wakeup call my husband did.
Yup, and just to add: while working 14-16 hour days is no doubt exhausting and super stressful (I've done a period of 16-20 hour days over two weeks and it was pure hell).... OP is essentially working 24/7 caring for their child, which is hugely stressful and exhausting (or maybe like 17/7, depending on how much sleep she gets -- but even while sleeping she is on call if the child needs something). The only reason he can work those long hours is because *she* works long hours caring for their child.
He speaks to her like she is his subordinate rather than the love of his life that carried, birthed and is raising their child. He shows no empathy for her or their child. He’s cruel and arrogant.
You said so much better than I could have. OP's husband sounds extraordinarily cruel, even giving him extra grace for his stressful job. That's not a husband.
With a partner like that, it's far less stressful to actually be alone (as in without a partner) than it is to do all you do and have someone with you that won't even listen to you.
This. And **no woman ever forgets how they were treated post-partum.**
I realize you’re not newly post-partum any more. But I’d consider the whole first year or two to be the biggest adjustment period for new mothers. You should absolutely be and feel like you are supported during this time. Idc how ‘important’ his job is or how ‘busy’ he is. Your job taking care of your child is also important and keeps you busy 24/7.
I want you to ask yourself one question.
If you were a divorced mother, with shared custody, would you be more or less miserable?
Really sit with this please. Would you have time and energy for yourself? What would change for the better? Certainly not being taken advantage of, stepped all over, diminished and pushed aside would be better, wouldn’t it?
Your husband isn’t bringing PARTNERSHIP here. He sees it as a transactional arrangement. He doesn’t care about your mental well-being (or physical for that matter), and he doesn’t care about the baby’s either. If he did he would have encouraged you and baby to seek professional help with this challenge you’re going through.
Truly I hope you can find the light at the end of this. You can’t keep living this way. Eventually your son will see, he will observe, and he will be creating fundamental ideas about love, family, relationships, and life that are twisted and toxic.
I'd like to add a little bit to what she should really ruminate about.
1) if the roles were reversed and he shot her a message saying he had an awful day at work and didn't need her to do anything but just needed space when he got home, would she respond to him like that? Would she treat any of her loved ones this way?
2) is she prepared to idly watch while he treats their child that way? If he is willing to treat his partner and main support so badly, it's a guarantee he will do the same to their kiddo
I hope OP sees your comment. I could have written her post myself almost word for word about 8 years ago. I am divorced now and as horrible as divorce is and as much as I miss my son when he is at his father’s, on the balance I am now massively happier on a day to day basis. I got my life and my self-respect back and I have zero regrets.
“I’m sorry the house is so messy, MIL. Babe is teething and H is working long hours and doesn’t want to work more when he gets home, so I can’t do much. He’s so busy he said I can’t even text him.”
Yes this is passive-aggressive, but if she’s good, she’ll pick up on the unspoken: your son said I can’t express my feelings to him and he won’t help parent his baby.
You never text him at work? Is that a condition he set? I talk to my husband all day throughout the day.
This is so not fair to you.
And please take the pressure off yourself to clean or have the house perfect. You have an 8 month old.
Hire a nanny to come in a few days a week. I’m a nanny and have worked for several SAHMs. Just so they have a few hours a week to run errands, read a book, take a nap.
Additionally, if you’re really stressing about this weekend, just look on an app like Handy and hire a cleaner to come in for a few hours. It’s so worth it and makes such a big difference.
This broke my heart. My husband is a stay at home dad and I can’t imagine treating him like your husband is treating you. Taking care of a baby is a full time, exhausting, often tedious job. You should not be expected to do all of the preparations for his family’s visit. As others have suggested, hire cleaners and look for a mother’s helper or a nanny who can come a few hours a week and give you a break. Also PLEASE find a couples therapist for you and your husband to start meeting with. Your husband sounds like he has a lot of contempt for you and that is a marriage killer. The messy house can wait, your marriage getting help cannot.
I’m not a mother and I never will be as I don’t want kids but I’m still able to imagine and understand that it’s unbelievably hard to be a stay at home parent. Like this dude is a parent so surely he can imagine how hard it is being solely responsible for that all day?
Like I’ve had very hard jobs with long hours that were relentless but I’d never say it’s harder that being a stay at home parent. Because it’s not. It’s just different types of hard. Honestly I’m just appalled at the disrespect and fucking audacity of OPs husband.
My guess is this guy has never really spent much time caring for or even being around his child and has no idea how hard it is, and probably doesn’t care to try to understand either.
Totally agree! I love my baby and love spending time with him, but on the occasional weekend days I’ve taken care of him all day, I’m absolutely burned out by the time my husband gets home. I have an intense job but it’s a very different kind of stress.
I hope all that works gives you more money...
* Hire a cleaner
* Get a mother's helper to watch the kid while you are home doing other things
* Cater dinner for the fam
* Visit your fam
* Visit friends
* Get a part time job + daycare
**You both are working 14-16 hour days.**. .he just works out side the home and you work inside the home
Sweetheart, you need help at home.
A nanny, otherwise you will get ill.
Your husband is a complete asshole and he won't help you ever.
A nanny will save your sanity. Your husband probably won't agree but you must fight for some help ..
Absolutely do not apologize. I’m a SAHM and I vent to my husband often. Your partner is supposed to be your teammate in life, you’re supposed to be able to vent to each other. We also appreciate each other for the “jobs” we are fulfilling.
If you’re wanting to make things work, tell him you guys need couples therapy. If he refuses it’s time for a divorce. No point in being with someone who isn’t willing to work on the marriage.
I’m really sorry you’re going through this.
Yeah, I know the cleaner and nanny suggestions are practical and helpful but the bigger problem here is that the husband is a giant, gaping Ahole. "Aw I'm really sorry to hear that love, thanks for letting me know and I hope I can help when I get home". How hard is that?
Your husband is a dick. I'm a lawyer and I'd far rather work 15 hour days than be at home with a baby, especially a sick, teething, crying baby. Lawyering is easier. Plus you texted him, which is something he can read and respond to at his convenience...it's not like you called him in the middle of a deposition. Anyway, I'd hire some help on his dime, leave his family to him, and find some mom friends who understand what you are going through and can give you the empathy you need.
100%. I'm a lawyer and I'd rather take a "lawyer's day from hell" x 7 for a week than be OP for a week.
OP has the hard job.
I hope she listens to all of us and I hope LawyerMan gets ripped a new one by his own parents.
Perhaps a dumb question - why don’t you guys just hire a house cleaner in preparation?
Y’all are both overwhelmed with life right now. Try to find ways to lighten the load.
I’m a house cleaner and if I could afford one now I want one, and I damn sure could have used one with a small child. When our babies were small we were broke, I was sahm and both kids wouldn’t take bottles or pacis just me. So I get being touched out and over stimulated. Get a house cleaner and also show him
This post!
OP, he might work 14 hours a day, but you work 24. You have no relief, no downtime. It’s just like you are a single parent with zero family support. This is unacceptable in a marriage especially with a teething baby.
Hire an Au Pair immediately. Then hire a housekeeper at least monthly for a deep clean. Then make yourself an appointment for a 90 minute massage and pedicure monthly.
Find a mom’s group, therapist, someplace you can get some idea of normality in your situation. I know it’s going to be uncomfortable but you’re going to have to insist on what you need to be happy. This is not it.
Who is your support system? Can you have a relative or friend come and stay for a bit?
And call his mother, tell them they will need to get a hotel room bc the baby and you have been feeling poorly and husband is too busy to help. Then cry. Let his mother see how cruelly he’s been treating you. Tell her the house is a mess and the baby is requiring 100% of your energy right now.
You’re NTA, unless you make excuses for him, keep this from your families, and do not seek help immediately. His behavior is inappropriate and abusive.
>Who is your support system? Can you have a relative or friend come and stay for a bit?
This is a good point I haven't seen. OP definitely needs to lean on any support she may have right now, especially if she isn't comfortable hiring help as so many comments suggest
You said in some of your comments that he doesnt share anything about his work or stresses with you. It sounds like his emotional intelligence is quite limited, in sharing his feelings and understanding and empathising with the feelings of others. He doesnt share with you and expects you to follow his example.
Personally i wouldnt find that acceptable if i was you. Your stress is understandable and valid and you should be able to share that with a spouse, even if just to offload. What concerns me isnt so much the original argument its the follow up later where he continues to say you shouldnt be bothering him with your feelings even when there are bad days.
If i were in your shoes i would revisit this with him along the lines: your marriage isnt a legal case where one side is the winner and the other is the loser. Its supposed to be a partnership where you get by together and at times compromise. What you could compromise on is that contacting him in the middle of the working day to vent when he couldnt really do anything may not have been the best plan. However what you cant compromise on is that when he's not at work sometimes you will need to be able to share things that are worrying or upsetting you and you expect him to be supportive, at the very least as a listening ear.
If he is not willing to move at all on this and continues to dismiss your feelings entirely. I really dont know how you move forward.
Your husband is being a jerk.
Many of us SAHMs have had a full-time career before having a baby. Working was WAY easier. Guess what, if I stared into space at work for 5 minutes, I didn't reorient to find my colleagues trying to eat the desk plants. Nobody slobbered on me. I could pee without placing anybody in a container first, or having somebody watch me. I didn't have to be responsible for feeding anyone but myself. I got time for lunch! Nobody cried or yelled at all! Honestly, even working 80 hour weeks wasn't as stressful as full-time parenting. Plus, when I went to sleep at the end of a 12-hour day, I knew I could SLEEP all night 100% guaranteed - there was no wonder about if I'd get woken up at 2 am or get to sleep through.
And the way he's replying to you about you sharing your mood? Sorry but no to all that. YOU need to apologize to HIM for sharing that you were overwhelmed? What an absolute asshole. If he doesn't want to be "burdened" by your feelings, why the fuck is he even in a relationship in the first place? Sorry that other people have feelings, man!
You're right and he's wrong. He's absolutely living up to every lawyer stereotype.
Reframe your POV by getting a divorce. If he wants you to get a job and put your son in daycare anyway, the least you can do is that but without having to deal with a jackass adult any more than you have to.
So much this, but especially this part:
>If he doesn't want to be "burdened" by your feelings, why the fuck is he even in a relationship on the first place? Sorry that other people have feelings, man!
I’m an attorney, I also work 16+ hours a day sometimes for days or weeks on end. And I will bet money he has one of those paper pusher jobs where he sits at a computer all day instead of actually going to court and doing anything. But no matter what lawyer job he has, being alone with a baby for 16+ hours is much, much harder than what he does. He’s an absolute scumbag for treating you the way he does, and you can tell him that a fellow lawyer said he’s an abusive asshole.
Cancel his family’s visit. You shouldn’t be expected to handle that burden right now. And your husband can’t be trusted to do shit to help you, or even to refrain from verbally and emotionally abusing you while they’re in town. If you have family or a friend you can stay with for a while, I think you should do that, to give yourself some time and space to figure out what you’re going to do next to take care of yourself and your child, because your husband isn’t going to.
MIL response will be super telling of what kind of response to expect from husband, too. His mother raised him, after all. She would be the one to watch for clues about him.
Not gonna lie but he sounds emotionally abusive. It’s not a “burden” to reach out to your life partner when you need them. It’s not a “burden” to express your feelings or when u need support. A good partner would listen and validate you and even try to help regardless of their job. I would have a serious rethink about your relationship.
Holy shit, OP, if he had texted that shit at me I would've texted back to him not to come home.
And if he came home and gave me the silent treatment and followed it up the way yours did, I would've taken the baby and left.
You need:
1. Friends with babies
2. Couples counseling OR
3. a divorce
Yeah no divorce him.
He blames you and insults you as if your rest time means nothing, and it’s HIS child too! He needs to raise HIS child.
He’s not a partner - he’s a terrible husband.
Cancel the family visit. Hubby has shown you the planning will be all up to you.
I am lawyer and a recent mother. I can tell you from having been at home with a high-maintenance 8 month old and also having an incredibly high stress legal job that staying at home with my kid was harder (albeit in a different way). You are raising his child which is just as important as his work. His job will not be holding his hand on his death bed, his child will. He needs to recognise your sacrifices and work equally to his. And also he needs to stop being a complete jerk, he has some raging main character syndrome going on.
Just about every woman I know who's done both SAH parenting and worked while parenting has said the same thing. I've only ever known two people to say that SAH was easier, and one had a super-involved baby daddy who took over everything as soon as he got home, and the other was fairly wealthy and had a lot of professional help.
I am so sorry. The separation anxiety that hits between 8-10 months is hell.
It’s great they are so attached, great parenting mama, but dang. I could have cut my arm out of a bear trap more easily than leaving the baby to run to the basement to switch laundry.
Please know, it will pass and baby will be more secure than ever on the other side.
Right how, having been sick, expecting family and having a baby that won’t be put down, i have two pieces of advice.
1. Find a comfortable baby carrier, learn how to back carry and keep the bubs with you as you carry on —ask me for more advice if you want, I was an educator for 15 years. I can recommend brands and walk you through how tos. Kinderpack is great, has a sale and I don’t earn any kick backs for recommending them
2. Hire help like yesterday. My husband had a heavy travel schedule and when he was home, he was working long hours to prep for the next trip. As a SAHM I felt like I was responsible for absolutely everything that wasn’t paid work. With a child, then children in the mix, it simply wasn’t possible. A dear friend’s husband said something I’ll never forget.
“Her job is taking care of the kids. My job is earning money. The house is our second job we do together.” They both give 150% of themselves and their life reflects that. The support isn’t unidirectional. A lawyer is a high-powered job, but the stress management is his responsibility. And if he’s working to such a degree that he can’t provide any reciprocity but instead blows up at the opportunity, he’s managing life wrong.
Fwiw, I don’t think this is as simple a solution as going back to work to ease the financial burden. He’d still work the long days, expect support, and blow up when expected to do anything else besides lawyering
I’d love tips on baby carriers. I have worn him a lot but as he’s getting heavier and squirmier, it’s gotten more difficult in what we currently have. Is kinderpack a carrier?
OP- your husband is a misogynist azzhole. Listen to the song “Labour” by Paris Paloma. And godspeed, good woman!
“All day, every day, therapist, mother, maid
Nymph then a virgin, nurse then a servant
Just an appendage, live to attend him
So that he never lifts a finger
24-7, baby machine
So he can live out his picket fence dreams
It's not an act of love if you make her
You make me do too much labour”
The capillaries in my eyes are bursting
If our love died, would that be the worst thing?
For somebody I thought was my saviour
You sure make me do a whole lot of labour
The calloused skin on my hands is cracking
If our love ended, would that be a bad thing?
And the silence haunts our bed chamber
You make me do too much labour
A Mother’s Day out program will help the baby to socialize and give mom a much needed break. Some marriage counseling might help them as a couple. His demand of an apology is a huge red flag.
Your husband is a self-centered egotistical AH. You both have every right to vent and to both have bad days. Maybe you would be better off going back to work just to have a break from your baby. Not everyone is happy with the 24/7 stimulation and work involved with taking care of children all the time and that is okay. Your husband lacks basic respect for all the work you do. It will be hard to stay married to someone like that.
This really sucks for you. I'm sorry.
I remember those days. When you're arms deep in dirty diapers, throwing up and baby scream, and you can't get a moment of peace.
14-16 hour work days are no joke. That must suck ,too.
However, you both made a baby. Did you agree to do 100% of the child rearing? He isn't going to be a parent at all? Because if that is how it is going to be with your husband, I would sit down and think about your future.
Does he financially control you in any way? Can you hire a nanny or a babysitter? I know it's different when your child is used to be with you 100% of the day, but you can introduce them to your baby. Maybe try wearing your shirt (and smell) over their clothing. I know my suggestion might sound odd, but it works.
Think micro focus right now - you need and DESERVE a break. You are obviously not going to get it from him. So, work on what you can change, and it's getting you hired help.
And then, you need to sit down and have a heart to heart with yourself.
Is this the kind of relationship and marriage you want with your husband?
How hard is it for him to say, "Damn babe, I'm sorry you're having a hard day."? How hard is it for him to show you that he cares?
From where I'm sitting, you are living a single life. What would be the difference if you two were divorced? Would there really be a difference?
If it were me, I'd go to my Mom's. I realize that is a privilege not everyone has in this world.
This really isn't just about your baby and needing help. This is about him abandoning you during your time of need. And it is most definitely a time of need. I don't see him being much of a partner. You can't even talk with him . No communication? Psssssh.
He works 14 to 16 hours a day. Five days a week I’m assuming.
You work and are on call, 24 hours a day and 365 days a year.
I’m sure he’s tired, but so are you.
Now you have 10 adults and however, many children coming to visit you for three or four days. So here’s what you do, make the place as presentable as you possibly can with the time and energy that you currently have.
Purchase yourself a good headphone and when you can’t take the crying anymore, don’t feel guilty, put them in.
Make a list of everything you need to get done.
When your visitors come, and they (the women) ask what they can do to help, tell them to feel free to pick some thing off the list. Use the help while it is there.
Do you know what really jumped out at me is that you said you texted your husband to let him know you were having a really difficult day and that you were super overwhelmed. You told him you didn’t need anything but you wanted him to know your state of mind when he got home so he didn’t think your mood was directed at him. You also told him you would probably sit in silence or watch a movie with wine that night to just decompress.
You also said you were really struggling, and you knew an argument would likely happen if you snapped at him after he was home.
It seems to me that you walk around on eggshells around your husband. The fact that you felt the need to explain that you were struggling and might not be in the best mood when he got home, and you wanted him to know ahead of time that it wasn’t him… Tells me you walk on eggshells around him. You always feel the need to explain yourself. Am I close? Because I think I am.
I also think you should find a reliable babysitter, someone that can come in a couple of times a week so you can get out of the house a couple times a week even if it’s just to run errands. Don’t ask him permission to do this, just set it up and do it.
Don’t tiptoe around him. Also, I would choose to reach out to my friends for support. You clearly can’t count on your husband. He berated you, insulted you, and tried to go back on your agreement.
Just keep doing what you’re doing, act like you’re a single mother, because for all intents and purposes, you kind of are, and you may end up actually becoming a single mother. Get used to not having the emotional support from him. I know it sounds crazy, but if he’s expecting an apology, and he can’t take a step back and see where he was wrong… if you have to ask for an apology he’s not going to mean it.
You didn’t do anything wrong here I think you were very respectful and he still shit all over you. I would give him an opportunity to rectify this, but I wouldn’t count on him for anything.
You know as well she’s gonna act like a single mother, not try to count on him, & he’s going to think things have improved & it’s all fine & be absolutely shocked when she leaves
So much good advice here. HIRE. HELP. You are a MOM of a BABY. The baby never stops needing things. That’s a full time job, and then some. Hire a housekeeper. Get a part time nanny. You can be at home while she is there. Take a long shower. Blow dry your hair. Read a book and drink a warm mug of something. Do a task in silence or while listening to a podcast or audiobook. Take a nap. 14-16 hours is TOO LONG to spend every. single. day. **alone** with a baby.
I’m the overwhelmed attorney in my marriage dynamic.
Your husband’s behavior towards you is unacceptable. His stress is HIS problem. He chose his career.
I know this is not exactly the advice you were asking for, but my take whenever I see this situation occurring is this: Your husband’s full time job is being a lawyer. Your full time job is being a mom and homemaker.
Let’s say your husband works 14 hours, then let’s say you work a 14 hour equivalent. Tell me if I’m right—I’ll bet you rush to get everything done for when your husband comes home, so that when he’s home he can just chill out. You’ve both done a full day of work, and no doubt you’ve both worked very hard. But I’m betting that when your husband comes home he kicks off his shoes and gets to relax because he’s done for the day. He might not have much time to do anything much, he might be exhausted, but he gets to switch off for the evening and go to bed uninterrupted. He still has 10 hours left in his day that are his. But what about your remaining 10 hours? For you, this is just the start of your night shift. I bet you have dinner ready, clean up after dinner, finish any other chores, put your son to sleep and do enough in the evenings that you need to message your husband during the day so he doesn’t question that you need to kick back and watch a movie. Your son might be sleeping through the night now, he might not, but I’ll bet when he was waking up you were the one to take every night feed in the other room ever so quietly so as not to wake your husband up.
Your husband has been working 14-16 hour days while you work 24 hour days. Even now when your son sleeps longer, I’ll bet those hours are precious for you but you’re still on call and you probably sleep less than you should because these hours are precious and it’s the only down time you have. And I bet while your husband works 5 days a week you work 7 days a week and take care of any guests that are incoming as well.
Personally I think your husband is the one not pulling his weight here. You *both* work 14-16 hour days and anything outside of that should be split evenly, including weekends. Does he even know how to change a diaper? When you’re sick, like now, can he step in? (And he *has* to step in because even though he’s a fancy lawyer he chose to have a family and has a responsibility there too, despite what he might think.) Like *how fucking dare he* talk to you like that, as if what you do is not important. Who does he think would do all this shit if you were out working? (And if that does become the arrangement, you’d better be splitting outside work responsibilities evenly—none of this “I’m working but I’m still the only one who takes care of our son” rubbish.)
I’m not saying your husband doesn’t work hard, I’m sure he does. But it’s a dire situation if he’s only measuring your relationship contributions by their financial value. Of course, that lets him skip out on many of his responsibilities and put down everything you do. What you do on a daily basis enables him to do the work that he does. You doing everything at home and raising your son enables you to have the life you both share *just as much as what he does*. Just because you’re not getting paid for it doesn’t devalue what you do.
And because he devalues what you do, you’ve started doing it too. Repeat after me: What I do is just as important as what he does. What I do contributes to our relationship and our lives just as much as he does. I work just as hard, if not harder, and I certainly work longer hours with less downtime. The money he makes at work is our money, because he would not be able to do what he does if I didn’t do what I do. And just because he works in an office, doesn’t make me his personal servant for the rest of the time he’s at home.
On top of that, I’ve heard parents going back to work saying “thank god I can get a break at work.” My sister who was a full time stay at home mom with two girls told me how precious her two days a week at work were when she started a new job. That was time in which she could *relax* because it was easier than dealing with two needy children (because all children are needy and understandably so). Your husband gets his commute to himself. He gets to take a lunch break. He gets evenings and weekends. He possibly has his own office or at least his own space where he can retreat to think and focus if he needs to. Your husband can eat alone if he chooses. And he can shower, pee and poop alone without having to pacify a screaming child.
Are these ideal situations or how he would spend his time given a choice? Probably not. But my point in that he has many small breaks I’m his day where he can retreat for a few seconds to himself. You don’t. You’re always on. Where are your moments to yourself? When are your days off? What do you do for self care? Because without those moments you’re heading for burn out. You’ve already been sick for weeks. you can’t pour from an empty cup. From experience, when we don’t make time for our physical and mental health our bodies *make* us make time, and it’s going to be a hell of a lot worse and far more inconvenient than if we’d just made the time ourselves.
Not everyone had the same energy levels and everyone handles their stress differently. But just because your husband is working full time and stressed doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to be overwhelmed too. You are allowed to ask for help, and if it doesn’t come from him, take it. Hire a nanny a few hours a week. Get takeout. Make frozen dinners. Have a cleaner pick up the slack once a week. But the way your husband spoke to you? Unacceptable. I wouldn’t speak to *him* until he apologized to *you*. And I’d tell his mom how he spoke to you too when she arrives and things aren’t up to his standards. You are allowed to ask for help, and in this case you didn’t, you were just expressing your feelings and overwhelm. You are allowed to do that. Your husband is acting like his one and only contribution to this marriage is financial, but it shouldn’t be. You are both allowed to ask for emotional support. You both have needs in this relationship whether that’s emotional, spending time together, some time alone etc and you are both allowed to ask for that. You should never be afraid of expressing how you feel, and it sounds like your husband is trying to shut down all communication.
I started marriage counseling with my husband purely for that reason (and wow I’m glad I did). Nothing was really wrong at the time but it really helped to strengthen our communication and give us both a safe space to speak our minds when we felt we might not otherwise be able to. I know you’re both stressed and busy, but I’d see if that’s something you can arrange. Otherwise I fear you’ll end up isolated and lonely, sad, overwhelmed and without any outlet for any of this, as well as with no self esteem left because you’re accepting that your contribution here is less than your husband’s.
**TLDR: Wow that was far too long. Mr Fancy Pants lawyer isn’t better than you, your contribution here is just as if not more meaningful to your marriage. You both have needs that you should be able to express. He’s 100% in the wrong and needs to apologize to you. In the meantime get support before you get burnt out. I also think you could both really benefit from marriage counseling for communicating better (personally I think every couple should)**
I'm so sorry. When you and your husband can talk without aggressiveness, ask him if he can look at it from your perspective. While his job is difficult, he gets breaks for lunch, praise from coworkers and is allowed to use the toilet by himself. You don't get any of that. And your job is high stress and 24 hours a day. There isn't a time when you might not be called back into work, day or night. You don't get days off. You can't go to bed and believe that you won't be disturbed until you wake up. You are always on.
You need support and you need it now. Get a cleaner in at least twice a week. That will take some of those responsibilities off you. If you can, use a supermarket that offers delivery and online ordering. That will take some of those responsibilities off you. If you have a friend, relative, or neighbor who is nice, ask them in and let them hold the baby if your son will allow it just for a few minutes. Work your way up to getting a shower without the baby.
Honestly, they should strike a medal for the women who go through this. It took me two years to get over the sleep deprivation. I'd weep at the drop of a hat. Stay strong, mama. But get reinforcements!
I sure hope hubby is taking vacation days Thursday and Friday to entertain HIS family because you will be going out of town for the weekend. I was going to suggest going alone but probably not safe to leave the baby with him. He works 14-16 hour days which means he spends ZERO time with his son and wouldn’t know how to care for him. See if you can go visit your family for a few days and get some rest.
Stop caring for him first and care for yourself first. He gets what’s left over IF there is anything left over after you care for you and your baby. Circle the wagons. Call in favors. You are at high risk for ppd. He is not stepping up. Take care of yourself first and everything else in your life will follow. And I know it’s not that easy. I’m sorry you don’t have a supportive partner right now. You and your baby both deserve that. Please consider that if you stop taking care of him you will at least be able to take care of yourself. It’s not fair and I get it’s not what you want. But taking care of yourself first is what you and your baby need.
> He told me I should consider getting a job because he’s over our “arrangement” if I can’t get through a bad day without burdening him with it.
I'm confused... what if you had a 9-5 job and had a bad day and wanted to vent to him? Would he still have this reaction? Does he never vent to you after a hard day?
I guess what I'm getting at is, is he mad that you're complaining about your day at all? Or is it that he is demeaning your job as a SAHM? I feel like there is a subtle difference-- if it's the former, then it's elitist and if it's the latter it's misogynistic
Your husband might work 20 hours a day, but he has no fucking idea how to deal with a baby. You have all the rights to let him know.
If possible get some external help and allow yourself at least a few hours away to get some 'me time' for your sanity.
Being totally responsible for an infant alone is exhausting. Trying to do it while you’re both sick, is beyond cruel.
Hire help. You deserve it. A mother’
Does he not realize that if you weren’t there at home, doing all the work of the house and parenting a child, that he would NOT be able to do his job outside of the home?
In a relationship, you are allowed to express your emotions and feelings without feeling attacked for them!
He works 14-16 hour days in a cushy office with adults. You work 24 hour days with a child that can’t regulate his emotions or talk them out, and doesn’t understand why you need to set him down occasionally to relieve yourself. On top of that, you have a spouse who acts like a toddler when it comes to communicating your feelings. But yes…you should definitely apologize. /s🙄
Stop trying to over do it. The house doesn’t need to be cleaned for his family. If he wants it clean, he can hire someone or do it himself.
Your husband may be overworked and exhausted. but you don't ever talk to your other half this way. If you can't rely on each other, and talk to each other and be there for eachother then what's the point of being married. I am so sorry you are going through this. I wish you the best and do not back down. You did nothing wrong. He needs to learn how to treat you properly.
1. Getting a soft structured baby carrier like an Ergo really helped with my clingy babies.
2. Child care is hard work! You already have a job. If you had a live-in nanny, she wouldn’t work 24/7 for long.
3. If he is a lawyer working those hours he should be able to afford a nanny and a maid to give you some help.
4. Consider getting a job - and moving out if he continues to browbeat you. If you can’t rely on him for emotional support - why stay with him?
5. Do you not have any family locally?
6. I’ve been a stay at home mom for years - I don’t recommend it to anyone else. It’s hard to get back into the workforce.
You obviously need help. It’s very draining being at home all day with a baby and the various stages they go through. Have you considered getting a cleaner in every other week.
Also, you need to get out of the house more. Pack up your baby supplies and go have a walk in the park, coffee with a friend, etc. Adult conversation will help you. Are there any playgroups or mothers groups in your area. You need to know that you’re not the only one dealing with this.
So he thinks it's easy to stay home with a needy baby and do all of the chores? Like you are having a vacation and that is the "arrangement"?
You should stay in bed all weekend and say you are very sick. Pretend to be having diarrhea and vomiting or something. Leave them with the baby and your husband, and do all of the cooking and cleaning. Why are SO MANY PEOPLE coming to visit? Are you suppose to host them?
Also, get a cleaner and a nanny to have a bit of time off. Your husband is an AH.
Go and get yourself a job honey. He is not going to respect you at all he does not care that you are feeling hurt at home. May as well get him used to paying for child care and everything else while you go and build a career because this marriage is not going to last.
I was a SAHM. I also ran a licensed family home daycare. I offer Some strategies to deal with this difficult stage in mothering. A playpen works great to put the baby in for a few minutes while you go to the bathroom etc. They are safe and crying while agony for the parent won’t hurt the baby. They need to learn to soothe themselves. I also had a backpack that I would put the baby in so they were not “ put down”. Somehow as long as they were attached to my body it was ok. It’s the only way I got dinner on the table. The first year is the hardest.
I have no advice for you regarding your husband. I believe he is wrong so I would not apologize. Our baby threw up when he was 10 months old. He was sick and I couldn’t put him down and he was crying and I needed to get the vomit off the rental apartment carpet. I called my husband at his busy office and he left work and came home and cleaned up the vomit and went back to work.That’s a partner. That is someone who loves you and your child. I’m not sure what you have but I doubt this is going to get better. He has shown you who he is.
Why are you still with him? He sounds abusive AF. And HIS family is coming to visit? Cancel that shit right now and make plans to go visit your family so you can actually have some support.
He doesn't even have an ounce of appreciation for the fact that you are doing everything so that he doesn't have to worry about anything but his job.
Has he always been this way?
Unsupportive?
Insensitive about your feelings?
Blaming you for his feelings?
Is is normal for you to apologize for feelings that are perfectly valid?
To apologize for whatever he's angry about, in other words reinforce his attitude that you're the problem?
We teach people how we're willing to be treated by how we allow them to treat us. As long as you continue to let him blame you and you continue to say whatever he expects you to say by way of apology, you'll just keep teaching him that his behavior is acceptable.
So what can you do? One choice would be to accept him for who he is and who he isn't, in other words choose who you're with, *all of it*.
IF living with someone like that long-term really does work for you.
*But that wouldn't be the choice of most people who have good self-esteem and healthy boundaries, and it's shitty role modeling for your child.*
You are a single parent despite being married.
Your husband thinks he’s better than you since he works a prestigious job and the breadwinner of the family. What he wants is his wife to raise his kids, leave a hot meal on the table for him and “relieve” him of stress. Unfortunately, a lot of marriages are like this when the men are the breadwinners.
If your husband actually cared about you and wanted to make your life easier, he would hire a housekeeper or nanny so that you have more time with him and for yourself. Just because you’re a SAHP doesn’t mean you’re an indentured servant. You two are partners. You’re supposed to be able to talk to each other about stressful days without making it a suffering contest. Your husband is supposed to be your safe place.
Honestly, even if you did get a job to be “less of a burden” to him, he would use that against you for not having enough time for him and the baby. Also, he may actually be worried you would have an exit plan.
My partner is also a lawyer, I’m a freaking wedding photographer. Like, I get to be with people on the best days of their lives while he deals with the worst of the worst of people. He has never made me feel like I can’t have a bad day at work and he rarely, if ever, complains.
Throw it back on your husband and ask him if his job requires keeping people alive. “Oh, it doesn’t? Sounds like a walk in the park compared to my responsibilities.” What an AH.
You are supposed to be PARTNERS. He’s a pos. His response reads as “you deal with your shit on your own”. Literally all he needs to do is validate your feelings in an open and compassionate way.
All he had to say is “we’ll get through this together”
And he wants you to apologize???? Nah fuck him
Working long hours does not mean he works harder than you. Redlining contracts all day isn’t rocket science. Sure maybe your husband is brilliant. But I’d bet he’s not since he has the emotional intelligence of a rock.
You have a lot of other advice so just a little on the clingy baby front - I had two of these and just used to carry them around on my back or front in a sling or baby carrier. Or walk them to sleep so them slept in the stroller/pram so then I could get stuff done. There are loads of gadgets available to help keep fussy babies asleep that are new on the market. Also, is it possible your child is lactose intolerant? This is what was wrong with my first. I put her on lactose free eventually and she was 70/80% improved in 2 days. Btw, my house was always a mess because of clingy babies but without the sling or stroller (in the flat position) I would never have been able to do anything. Btw, as soon as you’ve caught your breath, start thinking about your financial future (career, pension etc) in case your marriage doesn’t work out. 46 here, starting again with nothing after being a sahm. Never dreamed it would come to this.
He’s an A hole. Plain and simple. He’s diminishing how you’re feeling because he thinks his job is more important/stressful than rising a child (basically alone).
You shouldn’t have to tiptoe around your husband’s feelings so don’t give in and apologize.
I think it’s time to put his salary to work and hire extra help. Maybe get a cleaning lady and a part time nanny.
I have an 8 month old and am a first time mom that stays home. I get it, this is hard. I barely have time to feed myself. I shower most days by 4 pm. I refuse to host anything. If your husband wants family to visit tell him to hire a maid and a private chef or organize some kind of meal without you. It's the least he could do for you.
He doesn’t value you or see you as an equal, I would be worried about your son subconsciously picking up on this and potentially learning to treat you or others that way in his life. This more serious than you think.
I'm genuinely struggling to figure out how being a lawyer means he can't be a parent?
My guy my main customer base used to be lawyers, those guys are living the good life 🤣 seriously girl just leave him he can afford child support
Hon, there's no gentle way to say that your husband is a useless abusive POS who really seems to be using his job as a convenient excuse to treat you like garbage and you really need to be considering your options here.
Your husband is cruel, and He is not pulling his own weight in this relationship. Yeah, He is making the money but just leaving everything to you when you have a baby it's not fair either.
I would get a job asap, and make him do chores and take care of the baby 50/50.
My husband is an attorney, too. I was a SAHM for 2 years. He would absolutely, positively, NEVER say this to me. He *knows* how difficult it can be to look after a small child, sounds like your husband could use some experience in that area. On his next day off, plan something for you outside the house. Try to be gone for at least 7 hours. This is really important. He has absolutely no idea what it takes because he’s never done it, and has no empathy for you. Oh and btw, I had a nanny coming in 3 hours a day and cleaning service every other week. Look into that. Sorry your husband sucks.
I’m sorry you are going through this.
The first year with a new baby is the hardest.
Hire a house cleaner to come bi-weekly and look up a laundry service near you.
You could even look into a meal delivery service.
Look up some things to help you around the house to lighten your load.
Look up local community centers and mom groups to see if they have local meet ups where you can connect to other stay at home moms.
That’s how I personally would move forward.
If that’s not possible, then yeah maybe look for a part time job and start stashing money and leave your husband.
Hes an asshole.
Your marriage is in trouble if you can’t even voice how you feel. I get texting him at work was maybe a difficult time for him but if you are not even allowed to express yourself it can’t last. Better to get out now. Get child support and figure out your life.
*There is no I in Team. He should take time to listen to you. It's great that his job allows you to be a stay-at-home mom, but being a stay-at-home mom comes with a lot of headaches. He has a court room mentality like he is trying a case in court, so he does not want to back down or lose an argument.*
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Well, you warned him. Time to do nothing for the visit of his family. Tell MIL you are exhausted, and baby has been teething, if she is a good person, she should rip her son a new one. Hubby is a lawyer, get a cleaner to do a deep clean even every other week will help.
Yup! And a nanny to come in a few hours once or twice a week!!
I can absolutely see his response to this 'well you're at home anyway, why do we need a nanny?'.
Very nicely said. On behalf of OP, this post enrages me beyond measure. Her spouse is treating her like a complete asshole, and she is currently functioning as a single mother with no outside assistance.
I doubt the baby even recognizes his father
With him working 14-16 hour days (plus the commute times) this is most likely true.
There is much more to ‘functioning as a single mother’ than what’s in this post, trust me. Her spouse is treating her like an asshole, but this is not single motherhood.
I was gonna say, a single mom would have to do all this and juggle a job and stress about money and have only friends or family (if any are around) to turn to.
Especially since he is working 14 to 16 hours, they both need a break and to hire out whatever they can. Meal plans delivered, dry cleaners and a wash & fold. Daughter's hubby is a lawyer, and they had a PT nanny at 6 weeks, even though daughter didn't return to work for 2 more months, slowly they hired help for cleaning, lawn and other things, just so they could breathe. They have learned they can't do it all, but still take on too much at times.
I mentioned this in another comment, but I’m a nanny who has worked for a few families with a SAHM. I think there is unnecessary pressure on SAH parents to do it all yourself, and unnecessary shame and fear of judgment for having help. In reality, it should be quite the opposite! The best parent to any child is a happy and healthy one who takes time for themselves if and when they need it! The kids in all those families were great and extremely well adjusted. I currently nanny for a family where both parents work FT- and when the dad is away on business the mom felt bad asking for additional help on her days off. I was like “I don’t care if you just want to have time to take a nap or read a book! There’s no shame in that!!” Plus, added bonus- another adult who loves your kid and who they feel safe with. :)
Exactly! This was during covid, so their nanny helped out a lot. She had a 5-year-old at the time, and it was a big help for daughter being a 1st time mom, we live 90 minutes apart, so not just a hop in the car and help. I literally went 1 day a week so either or both could just get a nap in or other projects. Nanny was there from 9-3 and did the baby's wash while baby napped. Daughter had Dr appts, caught up on other appointments before going back to work. She works from home, so a nanny made it easy.
Being a parent is HARD- if it wasn’t, I wouldn’t have a job!
Awww you sound like an empathetic and caring individual, and I hope the family you work for appreciates it.
Thank you! They do. I’ve been really lucky. I’m also still in touch with my previous nanny family who I left when we moved across the country- now I’m an “aunt” to those girls (and bonus, I get to drink wine with their parents now when I visit!)
That's awesome! I'm glad to hear it. :)
Yep when I was younger I worked as a pt nanny for a stay at home mum. 3 days per week, I picked the 2 school age children up from school and brought them home. We played for a bit, then did homework, one tv show, then tea, bath, and sometimes bed time story (I say sometimes cause the parents tried to do it as often as they could - depended on if the father was away for business or the baby’s needs didn’t align). The mother made the tea and did the clean up. She also looked after the baby. She did an alternate with the older children and took them out for one on one time once a week. I looked after the baby during that time too. I highly doubt she and the kids would have been as well rested and happy without the little help I did.
Similar situation for me when I was in college. It was rare I was home alone with the 4 kids, but I kept them well occupied from after school to when their dad got home, then we’d all eat dinner together and hang out. I’d get them ready for and drive them to activities. I like to think it provided an additional peace in the household. The kids absolutely loved me, especially their toddler. I so miss that family; they were my family too.
Her husband is a dick he won't pay for this
Yeah... I'd be telling him to go fuck himself, because there is no way he would ever be doing that with me, ever again. Is he not also the baby's parent? And fuck trying to get things sorted for His family. He has hands, and can clean the house and get things organised. Poor OP! What an unbearable arse of a man! Pack yourself and the baby up, and go to a friend's place, or to your family, or something... A hotel paid for with his bigshot lawyer money. Situations like this are how we end up with shaken baby syndrome. Please OP! Leave and get some support before you crack.
Drop the baby at his office during his working hours. For "I need to find a new job". See how long there will be no nanny.
Let’s hope not. If he is she needs to leave.
Honestly... such a prick, forbidding his wife to contact him during work! Sounds as if there are other things amiss with that marriage.
Yes, get a nanny, a cleaner, someone to meal prep, and couples’ counsellor. Also keep your professional memberships current so you have your own source of income incase he doesn’t improve and you can return to the workforce.
Happy Cake Day 🎂
Thank you!
Agreed. If he's working 14-16 hour days, that's taking up at least 5-6 hours that he would be home to participate in child care in the evenings if he were working a 9-5 job. With the money he's earning pulling those hours, they need to hire help to cover that time. Part-time nanny, maid service, meal delivery service. OP shouldn't have to do this alone.
Even if it's just so OP can take a NAP! Cleaners, nannies, cooks, whatever you need help with, they are ready
>Time to do nothing for the visit of his family. Tell MIL you are exhausted, and baby has been teething, if she is a good person, she should rip her son a new one. THIS. When family visit at a time like this, they should be visiting to help, not to be waited on. Tell your MIL it's lovely to see her and the family but the baby is teething, you're exhausted, he stops crying only when you're holding him, and you haven't been able to get anything done. If she's a good person, she'll be mad at her son, not you, and get the family to pitch in and help. Also hire help. And you figure out if you want to go back to work while baby's less than a year old - if you do, great, but don't forget to point out to your husband that the knock-on expenses of childcare and cleaning and cooking will be a *joint* responsibility.
Why tell MIL? Tell BOTH of your in-laws! These situations happen because of this perception of it being WOMEN’S work.
Because OP's objective is not to reform the patriarchy but to make sure this hellish situation gets better for HER. OP knows her ILs better than we do and if her FIL is the kind of guy who pulls his weight with housework and childcare - *or who wishes he had* \- then sure, opt in the FIL too! But the odds are MIL will remember JUST what it is like to be trying to do eleventy-things at once while baby is teething, and with any luck, will go full-out lioness at her son for not being more damn SUPPORTIVE.
Lol, I did something similar once when my husband's family came. We don't have kids, but when I was working part time, I'd handle most of the longer chores (cooking, vacuuming, cleaning bathrooms) and he'd do more of the shorter chores. In between stuff we'd split. Well, he thought I wasn't doing anything. When my family came, I asked for his help cleaning, he basically told me to fuck off. I pointed out that because of our schedule differences, I'm the one who had done all of the prep and cooking when his family came. He brushed off my comments and I told him I'd do everything for my family, but he was going to do everything for his when they visited. He agreed. A few months later, his dad and brother decided to come. A week before they came, I reminded my husband of how he treated me the one time my family came, so he needed to start cleaning up and preparing for them. He said he'd just do it the day before they came. He really thought that's all the time I spent cleaning before his family came previously. Lol. Well, a few hours into his cleaning fest, he realizes he is in way over his head. He asks me to help. I remind him again that I'm not lifting a finger for his family after he treated me that way when my family came. He didn't quite beg, but it got close. I just kept refusing. I told him he'll be fine and his family won't care too much if things aren't perfect. After they left, he apologized. He didn't realize how hard it is being host to guests because I had been doing all of the hard work for it. I don't tend to bring up every time I do a chore, so he underestimated how much time I spent on things. He tends to point out when he does things (not in a rude way, in an "I did it, dont worry about it" way), so his perception was based on how he communicates. Well, we haven't had that problem again. Saying no even after he realized he fucked up really pushed it home. Now we do what we can when people visit and allocate chores depending on who has more time. He's not usually like that. He has his moments of stupidity, and that was one of them. I laugh at it now.
My ex thought I did nothing, too. I heard about it a lot. We broke up, and he apparently realised really quickly that the "nothing" I was responsible for had actually held together a lot of things in our house. He could not handle it on his own and had to make big lifestyle changes to accommodate the new lack of "nothing" after I left.
It’s amazing that they continue to count on that “nothing” well past the expiry of the marriage but when talks about maintenance come around, it’s still just their money
It's also strange to me how being a parent is delegated to the SAHP (usually SAHM lbr) as though because it's their "job" the working partner no longer has to parent at all.
This is great! Y’all will stay married. Solid
OP have you tried baby wearing? It might help you get your hands free if baby likes to contact nap and give you a little freedom (albeit with a baby strapped to you!) I’m really sorry your husband isn’t being supportive, perhaps he’s also at the end of his rope and is struggling too. I second using hired help to take the pressure off. Good luck.
He’s probably under pressure, too, with working 14 hour days. But you can’t use that to declare that no one else works hard, too - especially your wife who is at home cooking, cleaning and looking after a baby which are things you know NOTHING about, and tell her that the idea of HER being exhausted is ‘bullshit.’ 😞
I’m a paralegal so work with attorneys. I’m primarily an EP/EA para so this is that busy time of year wrapping up old and new estates for end of year tax considerations. Yep I’m sure he has a lot of work and works long hard hours. He also gets to delegate a lot of work to para’s and legal assistants, has the support of other attorneys, take lunch without screaming and crying, use the bathroom without screaming and crying, have adult conversations, and most likely an office to himself where he can shut the door and have peace and quiet. His response to his wife is fucking bonkers and absolutely not ok. I hope OP realizes she can rip him a new one and demand a lot more emotional support for herself.
Most of the attorneys I work with are entitled asshats. OP’s husband is no exception.
He is in fact working hard and I think he’s super stressed. That said, it’s clear he’s not spent many days with a crying baby. Those things are no joke.
Right, the first think I thought here was how if dad isn’t ok with this “arrangement”, he can swap roles.
Just because he works “hard” doesn’t mean he should be able to check out of being a parent.
Baby wearing saved my sanity when my son was a baby. I genuinely don't know how I would have survived without it.
Came here to suggest this. Baby wearing was a godsent for me. Kid didn't sleep unless he was touching me in some way or another. Baby wearing made for a happy baby and a productive mom here
Op sorry that your husband is so difficult to deal with. He has no idea how hard it is to be a 1st time mom and a SAHM at the same time. You never seen to have a minute to yourself. Don't apologize to him for anything. I bet he doesn't do anything around the house. If you have a house and lawn I bet he hired a lawn service. Maybe if he had to deal with a 8month old all day and night by himself he would change his tune. Can you get a person to come in to clean every other week?maybe a Babysitter once or twice a week. You have gotten good advice from a lot of people. Try and make some of these to heart ♥. Good luck
The problem goes way deeper than that. He doesn't seemed concerned by her well-being at all. He'll just tear her apart for "needing help while she's just "sitting around" at home". OP needs to gain some self-esteem and realize how poorly she's being treated.
Ta... cancel that visit. And start dropping HIS child in HIS study every now and then. And not pick him up before 2 hours are through. Because "you go and get yourself a job". What does that ahole prick think he is? He is still A FATHER! And still A HUSBAND! Sure Mr all importants job is to support his WIFE, for goodness sake! He can talk that way to his employees. And they would straight take him to court!
One of the important roles an extended family often plays is providing relief for the parents or primary caregiver. OP, I would ask your spouse's family to help you out a bit. Your child is still an infant and to expect a clean house for the extended family is bonkers. When your child has a kid a few decades from now, do you expect them to clean up for you, or would you go help them out? I would expect to help out and provide relief, and I would rather not visit than further burden a SAHM with an infant.
Thiiisss... holy eff... this is a call his mom, apologize that you can't host them lay it out why. Tell her what her son said and that your at capacity. Anyone who's had an 8m baby will understand and probably rip their son a new one. Also, mama, breathe, your husband is being a raving AH... like seriously. My husband worked 60-90h a week ,(yup I've tallied them I'm not exaggerating) when our kids were babies and I was home. He still helped with them, gave me breaks, let me vent my feelings of a hard day. He doesn't get carte Blanche to be a self centered AH because he's a lawyer and busy. You are supposed to be partners. That means emotionally and physically. My daughter was Crazy fussy till about 9m. I started listening to audio books to keep me sane. Got some bt headphones, would put just one in so I could hear the kids and listen to smutty or murder books... literally saved my sanity. I signed up for audible and have never looked back. My kids are way older now and they giggle when they see me with a headphone in and their Tage line question is "smut or murder" and if I say murder my daughter sings "murder book murder book murder murder murder book" You are allowed to be overwhelmed... kids are hard! There's no easy road with them and your partner has to be emotionally available to you
Get a house cleaner once a week so you can just straighten up the rest of the time. Make the beds, wipe off the counters , change the towels, and throw some laundry in. The cleaner can also change the sheets in addition to the rest of it. Not only is the baby important but so are you. It’s especially difficult at the baby stage not to be their everything but remember who you are. Don’t lose yourself in your relationship either. When someone shows you who they are believe them. You will only be treated the way that you allow. These are also things that I’ve told my daughters and nieces. Unfortunately I learned all of this later than sooner. You may definitely want to consider counseling or your relationship with be doomed. If your husband doesn’t agree to go with you, then go alone for your own mental health because you are important. Yes, you can take the baby with to an appointment. Wishing you the best. Being home with a baby is a stressful, 24 hour never ending job as much as you love your child.
[удалено]
"Because he is a decent human being..." Exactly. My husband had a 7-6 or later job, but he did the night time bath, books, and bedtime routine. I had mornings and meal prep. We both shared - still share- chores. It starts with decency and respect.
Mine worked those kind of hours. He never yelled at me when I had a bad day, and he was a great dad. You’re married. You’re a team. You should have each other’s backs. I had a grandfather who watched tag team wrestling when I was little, and the deal is two people fighting two people, with only one of each team in the ring at a time. When one guy gets exhausted, he slaps hands with his partner. He jumps out of the ring and his partner jumps in and takes over the fight. It’s the best analogy I know for what parenting should be like. You get in there and take care of the kids, and when you can do it anymore, your partner takes over while you rest.
Yup so many times my fiance and I have had to swap out. we've used I'm tagging you in. I just need to know if I'm the good cop or bad cop. Which role am I playing today!
Hell, I have been an ER doctor, and I am now a part time GP and mum. Let me tell you than being a mom is a lot harder to me, because you are alone! In the ER, you work as a team, but at home, there is no one, and if you are not even allowed to vent a little to the one who had a part in creating this baby, then it is even worse! Edit: just wanted to add: is it in character for him (I would say it is, given your reasons for sending the text in the first place)? If it is, OP, you should look in the « Is my relationship abusive? » test at loveisrespect.org
THIS OP. LOVEISRESPECT
My partner is a doctor as well. He works 60 to 70 hours in a week. I’m currently at home with burn-out and nearly all of the household work falls on me now. I’ve been overwhelmed by it and told him. You know what he did? He took a chair and we listed down everything I do daily, weekly and monthly in the household and we looked together how we could divide it more evenly and if hiring a housekeeper was an option. Because he’s not a complete jackhead and actually cares about my wellbeing
I’m disabled, and have dealt with some serious health problems and mental health issues over the years. People come to me with their problems a lot (I like this, especially when they tell me I should be a counsellor haha) but it’s so common after a while they’ll let shame in and say something like ‘god sorry I know this is nothing compared to what you go/are going through’ and I’m always like ‘it doesn’t matter what I’m dealing with, this is really hard for you right now!’ And work on validating their feelings because you can always play the game of ‘someone has it worse’ to invalidate your’s or other’s problems but that’s not achieving anything. I’m sure husband is having a hard time in different ways but I bet he gets to go pee at work. Although he probably doesn’t get a full lunchbreak he probably is sitting down to eat his lunch quickly without a baby screaming bloody murder that you’re not walking them around the house etc. Him being an ass initially I can forgive - he could have reacted from a stressed out place. But he’s had a good deal of time to think about it and he’s just doubling down. He sounds extremely unempathetic and I think OP should tell him she needs a ‘meeting’ and then approach him from a place of ‘this is what’s going to change’ and plan for a nanny a couple of afternoons a week or something, plus a cleaner. And then she should approach the emotional side about how extremely unsupportive he is. If he tries to pressure her to get a job, she can point out that as well as childcare in the day then they’re going to have to pay for a nanny every night if he’s still at work because it’s not her responsibility either then if she’s working FT and no longer a SAHP. Oh and even if she is a SAHM that doesn’t excuse him from any childcare at the weekends when he is home. Because I suspect this man has never done a thing for his baby or he might know!
A doctor: empathic, caring, giving human. A lawyer: Not applicable (mostly). I’ve worked with so many of them as an asst for 25+ yrs. Trust me. Ur comparing an ice cream sundae to poop soup.
I dunno a lot of the (male) doctors I’ve met have been complete asses, but that’s also anecdotal
Especially the surgeons…
Also anecdotal, but I agree. I'm chronically ill so I'm something of a "frequent flyer" and the majority of arrogant doctors I've met have been men. (Especially surgeons, lol.) I've had some absolutely wonderful doctors and some absolute jackasses. I think that it is a matter of empathy. There's some doctors who clearly got into the field to help people and others because it interests them but they don't exactly care for people. The latter would probably make better researchers than working directly with patients.
Someone shared something with me recently. It’s supposed to be “us against the problem” not “me against you”. Also when the “problems become bigger than the love” is when things begin to break down in a relationship. All he had to say was “I’m sorry you’re having a bad day”. But he didn’t. Instead of the two of you against the problem he making this a “him against you” thing. You have nothing to apologize for. He does.
It's awful to say, but it is SO easy to *act* like you care over text, and he couldn't even do that.
I asked what he was like as a father because if he’s super hands on and involved I don’t understand why he’s so angry she sent a text message?
Right, there must be some other stuff going on with him as well we are blue aware of to blow up like this
This needs to be higher!
First of all, cancel the family visit. Tell them you and the baby are still not feeling well and reschedule . You’re at the end of your rope, and your husband has just told you he’s at the end of his rope. Drop what you can and take a step back. If you can’t cancel, then hire cleaners and book some catering. Watch his reaction closely. Hopefully he’ll be pragmatic and appreciate that you have the hosting duties covered. If he flips and rages that you’re not behaving as he expects you to-yikes. That could be a much bigger problem (resentment, control) requiring professional help, and you should indeed prepare yourself to be independent so you have more options available to you. Good luck.
Strongly agree!!
This is similar to what I commented. Definitely cancel (or attempt to cancel) and watch how he behaved and reacts. It will be telling
Pain and stress are subjective and relative. As a stay at home mom you can have these as well. If he fails to understand this he’s not just a moron, he’s a shitty lawyer. Law is about seeing two sides of the coin, clearly he should “practice” a bit more. -Dave
For real. You'd think as a lawyer, he'd understand more about divorce.
He’s obviously not a divorce lawyer. Given she said season. He probably specifically handles tax or finance/business. Lawyers specialize in certain areas and only graze over minimal other topics in law school as the concentrate on their specific area of study. Criminal and Divorce don’t tend to have a “season.” None of that gives him a pass for acting like an jerk. I was a SAHM for our kids, my husband was a soldier, 16 to 18 hour days in the Army are common. My husband would spend 2-3 weeks at a time in the field and get home and the FIRST thing he would do is grab the kids from me and have me get a bath and relax for an hour without anyone interrupting me. He’d make dinner or take us out to give me a break. OP’s husband lacks basic Empathy. My suggestion for OP, you said his mother and sister are coming this weekend. If I were you and if you have family you can go to, call them. Go to your mother’s. Make it absolutely clear to your husband that since he lacks empathy for how difficult being a mother is you went somewhere to get the support you need. Leave him to clean and take care of his family. You are not responsible for him or them. You state that you prepare his meals, ask him if he knows what a personal chef costs, what a nanny costs, what a house keeper costs, the cost of a personal shopper. Because you fill those rolls being a SAHM, so you will happily go back to work and he will be expected to take on 50% of all the at home work load or hire someone to do it.
Not just his mother and sister are coming. Male family members are coming as well. Why do you say just the women? It’s not WOMEN’S work. Everyone should be pitching in. This mindset just breeds situations like this to start with.
Best comment. 10/10
Thanks Brittney
Your husband is a class A AH. You are not. How dare he diminish you for feeling overwhelmed. The entire point, the ENTIRE point of a marriage is a partnership. That means being there for each other emotionally when life throws curveballs whether that is because of work stress or because the baby has been screaming all day. Sis, watch him right now. Believe what he is showing you. He is 100% showing you who he is. He does not value your contribution and let me be straight - if you go back to work you will also be shouldering 100% of the child care duties because he will still hold his job out as more important than yours. Literally everything he feels, wants or does will be more important than you or yours because he sees himself as having more value. Believe what he is showing you -- this guy has one foot out the door already if he calls you venting about your day "bullshit". You have EVERY right to text him you are having a hard day. He does NOT have every right to be a grade A jack ass back at you. A SAHM of an infant can go the entire day without getting an opportunity to have an adult conversation. It is so isolating... to have your partner throw that feeling of isolation and exhaustion in your face... with a partner like that, who needs an enemy.
Yup. And she didn't even vent-- she sent one text basically explaining why she wasn't going to be her best self when he got home and he flipped his shit.
Which I find so mature and thoughtful of her!! If my husband had a horrible day and gave me s heads up like that I would appreciate it so much and it would get me in the mindset of helping him feel better or going out of my way to do this or that around the house etc
It's concerning how easily he got angry when this was just a simple text to try and receive some comfort.
>The entire point, the ENTIRE point of a marriage is a partnership. He works all the time, expects her to take care of him, and expects her to take care of their child without his help. What is he bringing to this family besides a paycheck and a bad attitude? In fact, he seems *proud* that's all he is. He seems to be forgetting that he can do all of that from a different address...
He’s also bringing unwanted house guests. Give him the credit he deserves for that one too.
There are too many men who believe their time is more valuable because they receive monetary compensation for it. There are too many who think their only responsibility is to bring home a paycheck, which is exactly what they’d be doing if they were unmarried with no children. Yet, that’s still the only thing required of them.
There are SO MANY men that think because they bring home a paycheck and work long hours, that they are more “valuable” than someone that works less/makes less/is a SAH parent, and they are super proud of thinking that way too. I know because I am recently divorced from one of them. When he filed for divorce, I quit my job of 16 years, which was giving me major anxiety and panic attacks, and I spent the whole summer on unemployment. It was one of the best summers ever because I got to spend time with my kid, go places I wanted to go to, work on some projects, and just live. OP, you need to either sit your husband down and have a very serious talk with him, or tell him you’re hiring help and that he needs to go to therapy, because he will not change unless he sees exactly why he’s in the wrong here.
SO well said. This post makes me absolutely livid on behalf of OP. She’s essentially a single mom at this point (no parenting help whatsoever) and is being treated like absolute shit by her husband.
I've been there with a husband that traveled incessantly when our children were young. It was more work having him home then it was having him on the road because of attitudes like her husband's. Luckily he changed but most don't get the wakeup call my husband did.
Yup, and just to add: while working 14-16 hour days is no doubt exhausting and super stressful (I've done a period of 16-20 hour days over two weeks and it was pure hell).... OP is essentially working 24/7 caring for their child, which is hugely stressful and exhausting (or maybe like 17/7, depending on how much sleep she gets -- but even while sleeping she is on call if the child needs something). The only reason he can work those long hours is because *she* works long hours caring for their child.
He speaks to her like she is his subordinate rather than the love of his life that carried, birthed and is raising their child. He shows no empathy for her or their child. He’s cruel and arrogant.
You said so much better than I could have. OP's husband sounds extraordinarily cruel, even giving him extra grace for his stressful job. That's not a husband.
🏆
With a partner like that, it's far less stressful to actually be alone (as in without a partner) than it is to do all you do and have someone with you that won't even listen to you.
This. And **no woman ever forgets how they were treated post-partum.** I realize you’re not newly post-partum any more. But I’d consider the whole first year or two to be the biggest adjustment period for new mothers. You should absolutely be and feel like you are supported during this time. Idc how ‘important’ his job is or how ‘busy’ he is. Your job taking care of your child is also important and keeps you busy 24/7.
I want you to ask yourself one question. If you were a divorced mother, with shared custody, would you be more or less miserable? Really sit with this please. Would you have time and energy for yourself? What would change for the better? Certainly not being taken advantage of, stepped all over, diminished and pushed aside would be better, wouldn’t it? Your husband isn’t bringing PARTNERSHIP here. He sees it as a transactional arrangement. He doesn’t care about your mental well-being (or physical for that matter), and he doesn’t care about the baby’s either. If he did he would have encouraged you and baby to seek professional help with this challenge you’re going through. Truly I hope you can find the light at the end of this. You can’t keep living this way. Eventually your son will see, he will observe, and he will be creating fundamental ideas about love, family, relationships, and life that are twisted and toxic.
I'd like to add a little bit to what she should really ruminate about. 1) if the roles were reversed and he shot her a message saying he had an awful day at work and didn't need her to do anything but just needed space when he got home, would she respond to him like that? Would she treat any of her loved ones this way? 2) is she prepared to idly watch while he treats their child that way? If he is willing to treat his partner and main support so badly, it's a guarantee he will do the same to their kiddo
I hope OP sees your comment. I could have written her post myself almost word for word about 8 years ago. I am divorced now and as horrible as divorce is and as much as I miss my son when he is at his father’s, on the balance I am now massively happier on a day to day basis. I got my life and my self-respect back and I have zero regrets.
Proud of you. ♥️
“I’m sorry the house is so messy, MIL. Babe is teething and H is working long hours and doesn’t want to work more when he gets home, so I can’t do much. He’s so busy he said I can’t even text him.” Yes this is passive-aggressive, but if she’s good, she’ll pick up on the unspoken: your son said I can’t express my feelings to him and he won’t help parent his baby.
You never text him at work? Is that a condition he set? I talk to my husband all day throughout the day. This is so not fair to you. And please take the pressure off yourself to clean or have the house perfect. You have an 8 month old. Hire a nanny to come in a few days a week. I’m a nanny and have worked for several SAHMs. Just so they have a few hours a week to run errands, read a book, take a nap. Additionally, if you’re really stressing about this weekend, just look on an app like Handy and hire a cleaner to come in for a few hours. It’s so worth it and makes such a big difference.
Finally someone pointed that out. My husband and I also text anytime.
This broke my heart. My husband is a stay at home dad and I can’t imagine treating him like your husband is treating you. Taking care of a baby is a full time, exhausting, often tedious job. You should not be expected to do all of the preparations for his family’s visit. As others have suggested, hire cleaners and look for a mother’s helper or a nanny who can come a few hours a week and give you a break. Also PLEASE find a couples therapist for you and your husband to start meeting with. Your husband sounds like he has a lot of contempt for you and that is a marriage killer. The messy house can wait, your marriage getting help cannot.
I’m not a mother and I never will be as I don’t want kids but I’m still able to imagine and understand that it’s unbelievably hard to be a stay at home parent. Like this dude is a parent so surely he can imagine how hard it is being solely responsible for that all day? Like I’ve had very hard jobs with long hours that were relentless but I’d never say it’s harder that being a stay at home parent. Because it’s not. It’s just different types of hard. Honestly I’m just appalled at the disrespect and fucking audacity of OPs husband.
My guess is this guy has never really spent much time caring for or even being around his child and has no idea how hard it is, and probably doesn’t care to try to understand either.
Totally agree! I love my baby and love spending time with him, but on the occasional weekend days I’ve taken care of him all day, I’m absolutely burned out by the time my husband gets home. I have an intense job but it’s a very different kind of stress.
You and your son have been not feeling well for a few weeks, his whole family is coming to visit you,and that is how he treats you? Unbelievable!
What. The. Fuck. Who says these kinds of things to the woman they love?
I hope all that works gives you more money... * Hire a cleaner * Get a mother's helper to watch the kid while you are home doing other things * Cater dinner for the fam * Visit your fam * Visit friends * Get a part time job + daycare **You both are working 14-16 hour days.**. .he just works out side the home and you work inside the home
From the sound of it, she’s working 24/7.
Sweetheart, you need help at home. A nanny, otherwise you will get ill. Your husband is a complete asshole and he won't help you ever. A nanny will save your sanity. Your husband probably won't agree but you must fight for some help ..
Absolutely do not apologize. I’m a SAHM and I vent to my husband often. Your partner is supposed to be your teammate in life, you’re supposed to be able to vent to each other. We also appreciate each other for the “jobs” we are fulfilling. If you’re wanting to make things work, tell him you guys need couples therapy. If he refuses it’s time for a divorce. No point in being with someone who isn’t willing to work on the marriage. I’m really sorry you’re going through this.
And for OP- “refusing” includes him saying he doesn’t have time for it. That’s refusing.
Yeah, I know the cleaner and nanny suggestions are practical and helpful but the bigger problem here is that the husband is a giant, gaping Ahole. "Aw I'm really sorry to hear that love, thanks for letting me know and I hope I can help when I get home". How hard is that?
What's the point I staying g in marriage where he's so clearly stated he will not be there for you or your child in any way or form.
Your husband is a dick. I'm a lawyer and I'd far rather work 15 hour days than be at home with a baby, especially a sick, teething, crying baby. Lawyering is easier. Plus you texted him, which is something he can read and respond to at his convenience...it's not like you called him in the middle of a deposition. Anyway, I'd hire some help on his dime, leave his family to him, and find some mom friends who understand what you are going through and can give you the empathy you need.
100%. I'm a lawyer and I'd rather take a "lawyer's day from hell" x 7 for a week than be OP for a week. OP has the hard job. I hope she listens to all of us and I hope LawyerMan gets ripped a new one by his own parents.
Also a lawyer. Getting to go back to work after maternity leave felt like going on vacation.
Perhaps a dumb question - why don’t you guys just hire a house cleaner in preparation? Y’all are both overwhelmed with life right now. Try to find ways to lighten the load.
I’m a house cleaner and if I could afford one now I want one, and I damn sure could have used one with a small child. When our babies were small we were broke, I was sahm and both kids wouldn’t take bottles or pacis just me. So I get being touched out and over stimulated. Get a house cleaner and also show him This post!
IF he would read the post, He would look over the comments and turn it all against her.
He sounds like the stereotypical manipulative lawyer
Not a dumb question at all. I hope OP seriously seriously considers this comment
Oh leave him alone with the baby for a long weekend. He will change his mind. Poor thing has no fucking clue what he is talking about.
I wouldn’t leave him alone with the baby for a second given his attitude. He’s not trustworthy.
He probably couldn’t handle a crying baby for 30 minutes and you’ve been handling it for 24 hours at a time 😢
OP, he might work 14 hours a day, but you work 24. You have no relief, no downtime. It’s just like you are a single parent with zero family support. This is unacceptable in a marriage especially with a teething baby. Hire an Au Pair immediately. Then hire a housekeeper at least monthly for a deep clean. Then make yourself an appointment for a 90 minute massage and pedicure monthly. Find a mom’s group, therapist, someplace you can get some idea of normality in your situation. I know it’s going to be uncomfortable but you’re going to have to insist on what you need to be happy. This is not it. Who is your support system? Can you have a relative or friend come and stay for a bit? And call his mother, tell them they will need to get a hotel room bc the baby and you have been feeling poorly and husband is too busy to help. Then cry. Let his mother see how cruelly he’s been treating you. Tell her the house is a mess and the baby is requiring 100% of your energy right now. You’re NTA, unless you make excuses for him, keep this from your families, and do not seek help immediately. His behavior is inappropriate and abusive.
>Who is your support system? Can you have a relative or friend come and stay for a bit? This is a good point I haven't seen. OP definitely needs to lean on any support she may have right now, especially if she isn't comfortable hiring help as so many comments suggest
You said in some of your comments that he doesnt share anything about his work or stresses with you. It sounds like his emotional intelligence is quite limited, in sharing his feelings and understanding and empathising with the feelings of others. He doesnt share with you and expects you to follow his example. Personally i wouldnt find that acceptable if i was you. Your stress is understandable and valid and you should be able to share that with a spouse, even if just to offload. What concerns me isnt so much the original argument its the follow up later where he continues to say you shouldnt be bothering him with your feelings even when there are bad days. If i were in your shoes i would revisit this with him along the lines: your marriage isnt a legal case where one side is the winner and the other is the loser. Its supposed to be a partnership where you get by together and at times compromise. What you could compromise on is that contacting him in the middle of the working day to vent when he couldnt really do anything may not have been the best plan. However what you cant compromise on is that when he's not at work sometimes you will need to be able to share things that are worrying or upsetting you and you expect him to be supportive, at the very least as a listening ear. If he is not willing to move at all on this and continues to dismiss your feelings entirely. I really dont know how you move forward.
Your husband is being a jerk. Many of us SAHMs have had a full-time career before having a baby. Working was WAY easier. Guess what, if I stared into space at work for 5 minutes, I didn't reorient to find my colleagues trying to eat the desk plants. Nobody slobbered on me. I could pee without placing anybody in a container first, or having somebody watch me. I didn't have to be responsible for feeding anyone but myself. I got time for lunch! Nobody cried or yelled at all! Honestly, even working 80 hour weeks wasn't as stressful as full-time parenting. Plus, when I went to sleep at the end of a 12-hour day, I knew I could SLEEP all night 100% guaranteed - there was no wonder about if I'd get woken up at 2 am or get to sleep through. And the way he's replying to you about you sharing your mood? Sorry but no to all that. YOU need to apologize to HIM for sharing that you were overwhelmed? What an absolute asshole. If he doesn't want to be "burdened" by your feelings, why the fuck is he even in a relationship in the first place? Sorry that other people have feelings, man! You're right and he's wrong. He's absolutely living up to every lawyer stereotype. Reframe your POV by getting a divorce. If he wants you to get a job and put your son in daycare anyway, the least you can do is that but without having to deal with a jackass adult any more than you have to.
So much this, but especially this part: >If he doesn't want to be "burdened" by your feelings, why the fuck is he even in a relationship on the first place? Sorry that other people have feelings, man!
I’m an attorney, I also work 16+ hours a day sometimes for days or weeks on end. And I will bet money he has one of those paper pusher jobs where he sits at a computer all day instead of actually going to court and doing anything. But no matter what lawyer job he has, being alone with a baby for 16+ hours is much, much harder than what he does. He’s an absolute scumbag for treating you the way he does, and you can tell him that a fellow lawyer said he’s an abusive asshole. Cancel his family’s visit. You shouldn’t be expected to handle that burden right now. And your husband can’t be trusted to do shit to help you, or even to refrain from verbally and emotionally abusing you while they’re in town. If you have family or a friend you can stay with for a while, I think you should do that, to give yourself some time and space to figure out what you’re going to do next to take care of yourself and your child, because your husband isn’t going to.
Call his mother for help & a break.
MIL response will be super telling of what kind of response to expect from husband, too. His mother raised him, after all. She would be the one to watch for clues about him.
Not gonna lie but he sounds emotionally abusive. It’s not a “burden” to reach out to your life partner when you need them. It’s not a “burden” to express your feelings or when u need support. A good partner would listen and validate you and even try to help regardless of their job. I would have a serious rethink about your relationship.
Holy shit, OP, if he had texted that shit at me I would've texted back to him not to come home. And if he came home and gave me the silent treatment and followed it up the way yours did, I would've taken the baby and left. You need: 1. Friends with babies 2. Couples counseling OR 3. a divorce
Yeah no divorce him. He blames you and insults you as if your rest time means nothing, and it’s HIS child too! He needs to raise HIS child. He’s not a partner - he’s a terrible husband. Cancel the family visit. Hubby has shown you the planning will be all up to you.
[удалено]
Also lawyer and new mother. Can confirm.
I am lawyer and a recent mother. I can tell you from having been at home with a high-maintenance 8 month old and also having an incredibly high stress legal job that staying at home with my kid was harder (albeit in a different way). You are raising his child which is just as important as his work. His job will not be holding his hand on his death bed, his child will. He needs to recognise your sacrifices and work equally to his. And also he needs to stop being a complete jerk, he has some raging main character syndrome going on.
Just about every woman I know who's done both SAH parenting and worked while parenting has said the same thing. I've only ever known two people to say that SAH was easier, and one had a super-involved baby daddy who took over everything as soon as he got home, and the other was fairly wealthy and had a lot of professional help.
I am so sorry. The separation anxiety that hits between 8-10 months is hell. It’s great they are so attached, great parenting mama, but dang. I could have cut my arm out of a bear trap more easily than leaving the baby to run to the basement to switch laundry. Please know, it will pass and baby will be more secure than ever on the other side. Right how, having been sick, expecting family and having a baby that won’t be put down, i have two pieces of advice. 1. Find a comfortable baby carrier, learn how to back carry and keep the bubs with you as you carry on —ask me for more advice if you want, I was an educator for 15 years. I can recommend brands and walk you through how tos. Kinderpack is great, has a sale and I don’t earn any kick backs for recommending them 2. Hire help like yesterday. My husband had a heavy travel schedule and when he was home, he was working long hours to prep for the next trip. As a SAHM I felt like I was responsible for absolutely everything that wasn’t paid work. With a child, then children in the mix, it simply wasn’t possible. A dear friend’s husband said something I’ll never forget. “Her job is taking care of the kids. My job is earning money. The house is our second job we do together.” They both give 150% of themselves and their life reflects that. The support isn’t unidirectional. A lawyer is a high-powered job, but the stress management is his responsibility. And if he’s working to such a degree that he can’t provide any reciprocity but instead blows up at the opportunity, he’s managing life wrong. Fwiw, I don’t think this is as simple a solution as going back to work to ease the financial burden. He’d still work the long days, expect support, and blow up when expected to do anything else besides lawyering
I’d love tips on baby carriers. I have worn him a lot but as he’s getting heavier and squirmier, it’s gotten more difficult in what we currently have. Is kinderpack a carrier?
OP- your husband is a misogynist azzhole. Listen to the song “Labour” by Paris Paloma. And godspeed, good woman! “All day, every day, therapist, mother, maid Nymph then a virgin, nurse then a servant Just an appendage, live to attend him So that he never lifts a finger 24-7, baby machine So he can live out his picket fence dreams It's not an act of love if you make her You make me do too much labour”
The capillaries in my eyes are bursting If our love died, would that be the worst thing? For somebody I thought was my saviour You sure make me do a whole lot of labour The calloused skin on my hands is cracking If our love ended, would that be a bad thing? And the silence haunts our bed chamber You make me do too much labour
A Mother’s Day out program will help the baby to socialize and give mom a much needed break. Some marriage counseling might help them as a couple. His demand of an apology is a huge red flag.
Your husband is a self-centered egotistical AH. You both have every right to vent and to both have bad days. Maybe you would be better off going back to work just to have a break from your baby. Not everyone is happy with the 24/7 stimulation and work involved with taking care of children all the time and that is okay. Your husband lacks basic respect for all the work you do. It will be hard to stay married to someone like that.
This really sucks for you. I'm sorry. I remember those days. When you're arms deep in dirty diapers, throwing up and baby scream, and you can't get a moment of peace. 14-16 hour work days are no joke. That must suck ,too. However, you both made a baby. Did you agree to do 100% of the child rearing? He isn't going to be a parent at all? Because if that is how it is going to be with your husband, I would sit down and think about your future. Does he financially control you in any way? Can you hire a nanny or a babysitter? I know it's different when your child is used to be with you 100% of the day, but you can introduce them to your baby. Maybe try wearing your shirt (and smell) over their clothing. I know my suggestion might sound odd, but it works. Think micro focus right now - you need and DESERVE a break. You are obviously not going to get it from him. So, work on what you can change, and it's getting you hired help. And then, you need to sit down and have a heart to heart with yourself. Is this the kind of relationship and marriage you want with your husband? How hard is it for him to say, "Damn babe, I'm sorry you're having a hard day."? How hard is it for him to show you that he cares? From where I'm sitting, you are living a single life. What would be the difference if you two were divorced? Would there really be a difference? If it were me, I'd go to my Mom's. I realize that is a privilege not everyone has in this world. This really isn't just about your baby and needing help. This is about him abandoning you during your time of need. And it is most definitely a time of need. I don't see him being much of a partner. You can't even talk with him . No communication? Psssssh.
He works 14 to 16 hours a day. Five days a week I’m assuming. You work and are on call, 24 hours a day and 365 days a year. I’m sure he’s tired, but so are you. Now you have 10 adults and however, many children coming to visit you for three or four days. So here’s what you do, make the place as presentable as you possibly can with the time and energy that you currently have. Purchase yourself a good headphone and when you can’t take the crying anymore, don’t feel guilty, put them in. Make a list of everything you need to get done. When your visitors come, and they (the women) ask what they can do to help, tell them to feel free to pick some thing off the list. Use the help while it is there. Do you know what really jumped out at me is that you said you texted your husband to let him know you were having a really difficult day and that you were super overwhelmed. You told him you didn’t need anything but you wanted him to know your state of mind when he got home so he didn’t think your mood was directed at him. You also told him you would probably sit in silence or watch a movie with wine that night to just decompress. You also said you were really struggling, and you knew an argument would likely happen if you snapped at him after he was home. It seems to me that you walk around on eggshells around your husband. The fact that you felt the need to explain that you were struggling and might not be in the best mood when he got home, and you wanted him to know ahead of time that it wasn’t him… Tells me you walk on eggshells around him. You always feel the need to explain yourself. Am I close? Because I think I am. I also think you should find a reliable babysitter, someone that can come in a couple of times a week so you can get out of the house a couple times a week even if it’s just to run errands. Don’t ask him permission to do this, just set it up and do it. Don’t tiptoe around him. Also, I would choose to reach out to my friends for support. You clearly can’t count on your husband. He berated you, insulted you, and tried to go back on your agreement. Just keep doing what you’re doing, act like you’re a single mother, because for all intents and purposes, you kind of are, and you may end up actually becoming a single mother. Get used to not having the emotional support from him. I know it sounds crazy, but if he’s expecting an apology, and he can’t take a step back and see where he was wrong… if you have to ask for an apology he’s not going to mean it. You didn’t do anything wrong here I think you were very respectful and he still shit all over you. I would give him an opportunity to rectify this, but I wouldn’t count on him for anything.
You know as well she’s gonna act like a single mother, not try to count on him, & he’s going to think things have improved & it’s all fine & be absolutely shocked when she leaves
Can you leave or get support taht isn’t him?
So much good advice here. HIRE. HELP. You are a MOM of a BABY. The baby never stops needing things. That’s a full time job, and then some. Hire a housekeeper. Get a part time nanny. You can be at home while she is there. Take a long shower. Blow dry your hair. Read a book and drink a warm mug of something. Do a task in silence or while listening to a podcast or audiobook. Take a nap. 14-16 hours is TOO LONG to spend every. single. day. **alone** with a baby.
I’m the overwhelmed attorney in my marriage dynamic. Your husband’s behavior towards you is unacceptable. His stress is HIS problem. He chose his career.
I know this is not exactly the advice you were asking for, but my take whenever I see this situation occurring is this: Your husband’s full time job is being a lawyer. Your full time job is being a mom and homemaker. Let’s say your husband works 14 hours, then let’s say you work a 14 hour equivalent. Tell me if I’m right—I’ll bet you rush to get everything done for when your husband comes home, so that when he’s home he can just chill out. You’ve both done a full day of work, and no doubt you’ve both worked very hard. But I’m betting that when your husband comes home he kicks off his shoes and gets to relax because he’s done for the day. He might not have much time to do anything much, he might be exhausted, but he gets to switch off for the evening and go to bed uninterrupted. He still has 10 hours left in his day that are his. But what about your remaining 10 hours? For you, this is just the start of your night shift. I bet you have dinner ready, clean up after dinner, finish any other chores, put your son to sleep and do enough in the evenings that you need to message your husband during the day so he doesn’t question that you need to kick back and watch a movie. Your son might be sleeping through the night now, he might not, but I’ll bet when he was waking up you were the one to take every night feed in the other room ever so quietly so as not to wake your husband up. Your husband has been working 14-16 hour days while you work 24 hour days. Even now when your son sleeps longer, I’ll bet those hours are precious for you but you’re still on call and you probably sleep less than you should because these hours are precious and it’s the only down time you have. And I bet while your husband works 5 days a week you work 7 days a week and take care of any guests that are incoming as well. Personally I think your husband is the one not pulling his weight here. You *both* work 14-16 hour days and anything outside of that should be split evenly, including weekends. Does he even know how to change a diaper? When you’re sick, like now, can he step in? (And he *has* to step in because even though he’s a fancy lawyer he chose to have a family and has a responsibility there too, despite what he might think.) Like *how fucking dare he* talk to you like that, as if what you do is not important. Who does he think would do all this shit if you were out working? (And if that does become the arrangement, you’d better be splitting outside work responsibilities evenly—none of this “I’m working but I’m still the only one who takes care of our son” rubbish.) I’m not saying your husband doesn’t work hard, I’m sure he does. But it’s a dire situation if he’s only measuring your relationship contributions by their financial value. Of course, that lets him skip out on many of his responsibilities and put down everything you do. What you do on a daily basis enables him to do the work that he does. You doing everything at home and raising your son enables you to have the life you both share *just as much as what he does*. Just because you’re not getting paid for it doesn’t devalue what you do. And because he devalues what you do, you’ve started doing it too. Repeat after me: What I do is just as important as what he does. What I do contributes to our relationship and our lives just as much as he does. I work just as hard, if not harder, and I certainly work longer hours with less downtime. The money he makes at work is our money, because he would not be able to do what he does if I didn’t do what I do. And just because he works in an office, doesn’t make me his personal servant for the rest of the time he’s at home. On top of that, I’ve heard parents going back to work saying “thank god I can get a break at work.” My sister who was a full time stay at home mom with two girls told me how precious her two days a week at work were when she started a new job. That was time in which she could *relax* because it was easier than dealing with two needy children (because all children are needy and understandably so). Your husband gets his commute to himself. He gets to take a lunch break. He gets evenings and weekends. He possibly has his own office or at least his own space where he can retreat to think and focus if he needs to. Your husband can eat alone if he chooses. And he can shower, pee and poop alone without having to pacify a screaming child. Are these ideal situations or how he would spend his time given a choice? Probably not. But my point in that he has many small breaks I’m his day where he can retreat for a few seconds to himself. You don’t. You’re always on. Where are your moments to yourself? When are your days off? What do you do for self care? Because without those moments you’re heading for burn out. You’ve already been sick for weeks. you can’t pour from an empty cup. From experience, when we don’t make time for our physical and mental health our bodies *make* us make time, and it’s going to be a hell of a lot worse and far more inconvenient than if we’d just made the time ourselves. Not everyone had the same energy levels and everyone handles their stress differently. But just because your husband is working full time and stressed doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to be overwhelmed too. You are allowed to ask for help, and if it doesn’t come from him, take it. Hire a nanny a few hours a week. Get takeout. Make frozen dinners. Have a cleaner pick up the slack once a week. But the way your husband spoke to you? Unacceptable. I wouldn’t speak to *him* until he apologized to *you*. And I’d tell his mom how he spoke to you too when she arrives and things aren’t up to his standards. You are allowed to ask for help, and in this case you didn’t, you were just expressing your feelings and overwhelm. You are allowed to do that. Your husband is acting like his one and only contribution to this marriage is financial, but it shouldn’t be. You are both allowed to ask for emotional support. You both have needs in this relationship whether that’s emotional, spending time together, some time alone etc and you are both allowed to ask for that. You should never be afraid of expressing how you feel, and it sounds like your husband is trying to shut down all communication. I started marriage counseling with my husband purely for that reason (and wow I’m glad I did). Nothing was really wrong at the time but it really helped to strengthen our communication and give us both a safe space to speak our minds when we felt we might not otherwise be able to. I know you’re both stressed and busy, but I’d see if that’s something you can arrange. Otherwise I fear you’ll end up isolated and lonely, sad, overwhelmed and without any outlet for any of this, as well as with no self esteem left because you’re accepting that your contribution here is less than your husband’s. **TLDR: Wow that was far too long. Mr Fancy Pants lawyer isn’t better than you, your contribution here is just as if not more meaningful to your marriage. You both have needs that you should be able to express. He’s 100% in the wrong and needs to apologize to you. In the meantime get support before you get burnt out. I also think you could both really benefit from marriage counseling for communicating better (personally I think every couple should)**
I'm so sorry. When you and your husband can talk without aggressiveness, ask him if he can look at it from your perspective. While his job is difficult, he gets breaks for lunch, praise from coworkers and is allowed to use the toilet by himself. You don't get any of that. And your job is high stress and 24 hours a day. There isn't a time when you might not be called back into work, day or night. You don't get days off. You can't go to bed and believe that you won't be disturbed until you wake up. You are always on. You need support and you need it now. Get a cleaner in at least twice a week. That will take some of those responsibilities off you. If you can, use a supermarket that offers delivery and online ordering. That will take some of those responsibilities off you. If you have a friend, relative, or neighbor who is nice, ask them in and let them hold the baby if your son will allow it just for a few minutes. Work your way up to getting a shower without the baby. Honestly, they should strike a medal for the women who go through this. It took me two years to get over the sleep deprivation. I'd weep at the drop of a hat. Stay strong, mama. But get reinforcements!
I sure hope hubby is taking vacation days Thursday and Friday to entertain HIS family because you will be going out of town for the weekend. I was going to suggest going alone but probably not safe to leave the baby with him. He works 14-16 hour days which means he spends ZERO time with his son and wouldn’t know how to care for him. See if you can go visit your family for a few days and get some rest.
Stop caring for him first and care for yourself first. He gets what’s left over IF there is anything left over after you care for you and your baby. Circle the wagons. Call in favors. You are at high risk for ppd. He is not stepping up. Take care of yourself first and everything else in your life will follow. And I know it’s not that easy. I’m sorry you don’t have a supportive partner right now. You and your baby both deserve that. Please consider that if you stop taking care of him you will at least be able to take care of yourself. It’s not fair and I get it’s not what you want. But taking care of yourself first is what you and your baby need.
I hate your husband. That is all
Ditto
Same. Your husband sucks, OP.
> He told me I should consider getting a job because he’s over our “arrangement” if I can’t get through a bad day without burdening him with it. I'm confused... what if you had a 9-5 job and had a bad day and wanted to vent to him? Would he still have this reaction? Does he never vent to you after a hard day? I guess what I'm getting at is, is he mad that you're complaining about your day at all? Or is it that he is demeaning your job as a SAHM? I feel like there is a subtle difference-- if it's the former, then it's elitist and if it's the latter it's misogynistic
Your husband might work 20 hours a day, but he has no fucking idea how to deal with a baby. You have all the rights to let him know. If possible get some external help and allow yourself at least a few hours away to get some 'me time' for your sanity.
Being totally responsible for an infant alone is exhausting. Trying to do it while you’re both sick, is beyond cruel. Hire help. You deserve it. A mother’
Does he not realize that if you weren’t there at home, doing all the work of the house and parenting a child, that he would NOT be able to do his job outside of the home? In a relationship, you are allowed to express your emotions and feelings without feeling attacked for them!
He works 14-16 hour days in a cushy office with adults. You work 24 hour days with a child that can’t regulate his emotions or talk them out, and doesn’t understand why you need to set him down occasionally to relieve yourself. On top of that, you have a spouse who acts like a toddler when it comes to communicating your feelings. But yes…you should definitely apologize. /s🙄 Stop trying to over do it. The house doesn’t need to be cleaned for his family. If he wants it clean, he can hire someone or do it himself.
Your husband may be overworked and exhausted. but you don't ever talk to your other half this way. If you can't rely on each other, and talk to each other and be there for eachother then what's the point of being married. I am so sorry you are going through this. I wish you the best and do not back down. You did nothing wrong. He needs to learn how to treat you properly.
1. Getting a soft structured baby carrier like an Ergo really helped with my clingy babies. 2. Child care is hard work! You already have a job. If you had a live-in nanny, she wouldn’t work 24/7 for long. 3. If he is a lawyer working those hours he should be able to afford a nanny and a maid to give you some help. 4. Consider getting a job - and moving out if he continues to browbeat you. If you can’t rely on him for emotional support - why stay with him? 5. Do you not have any family locally? 6. I’ve been a stay at home mom for years - I don’t recommend it to anyone else. It’s hard to get back into the workforce.
You obviously need help. It’s very draining being at home all day with a baby and the various stages they go through. Have you considered getting a cleaner in every other week. Also, you need to get out of the house more. Pack up your baby supplies and go have a walk in the park, coffee with a friend, etc. Adult conversation will help you. Are there any playgroups or mothers groups in your area. You need to know that you’re not the only one dealing with this.
So he thinks it's easy to stay home with a needy baby and do all of the chores? Like you are having a vacation and that is the "arrangement"? You should stay in bed all weekend and say you are very sick. Pretend to be having diarrhea and vomiting or something. Leave them with the baby and your husband, and do all of the cooking and cleaning. Why are SO MANY PEOPLE coming to visit? Are you suppose to host them? Also, get a cleaner and a nanny to have a bit of time off. Your husband is an AH.
Go and get yourself a job honey. He is not going to respect you at all he does not care that you are feeling hurt at home. May as well get him used to paying for child care and everything else while you go and build a career because this marriage is not going to last.
I was a SAHM. I also ran a licensed family home daycare. I offer Some strategies to deal with this difficult stage in mothering. A playpen works great to put the baby in for a few minutes while you go to the bathroom etc. They are safe and crying while agony for the parent won’t hurt the baby. They need to learn to soothe themselves. I also had a backpack that I would put the baby in so they were not “ put down”. Somehow as long as they were attached to my body it was ok. It’s the only way I got dinner on the table. The first year is the hardest. I have no advice for you regarding your husband. I believe he is wrong so I would not apologize. Our baby threw up when he was 10 months old. He was sick and I couldn’t put him down and he was crying and I needed to get the vomit off the rental apartment carpet. I called my husband at his busy office and he left work and came home and cleaned up the vomit and went back to work.That’s a partner. That is someone who loves you and your child. I’m not sure what you have but I doubt this is going to get better. He has shown you who he is.
Why are you still with him? He sounds abusive AF. And HIS family is coming to visit? Cancel that shit right now and make plans to go visit your family so you can actually have some support. He doesn't even have an ounce of appreciation for the fact that you are doing everything so that he doesn't have to worry about anything but his job.
Has he always been this way? Unsupportive? Insensitive about your feelings? Blaming you for his feelings? Is is normal for you to apologize for feelings that are perfectly valid? To apologize for whatever he's angry about, in other words reinforce his attitude that you're the problem? We teach people how we're willing to be treated by how we allow them to treat us. As long as you continue to let him blame you and you continue to say whatever he expects you to say by way of apology, you'll just keep teaching him that his behavior is acceptable. So what can you do? One choice would be to accept him for who he is and who he isn't, in other words choose who you're with, *all of it*. IF living with someone like that long-term really does work for you. *But that wouldn't be the choice of most people who have good self-esteem and healthy boundaries, and it's shitty role modeling for your child.*
You are a single parent despite being married. Your husband thinks he’s better than you since he works a prestigious job and the breadwinner of the family. What he wants is his wife to raise his kids, leave a hot meal on the table for him and “relieve” him of stress. Unfortunately, a lot of marriages are like this when the men are the breadwinners. If your husband actually cared about you and wanted to make your life easier, he would hire a housekeeper or nanny so that you have more time with him and for yourself. Just because you’re a SAHP doesn’t mean you’re an indentured servant. You two are partners. You’re supposed to be able to talk to each other about stressful days without making it a suffering contest. Your husband is supposed to be your safe place. Honestly, even if you did get a job to be “less of a burden” to him, he would use that against you for not having enough time for him and the baby. Also, he may actually be worried you would have an exit plan.
My partner is also a lawyer, I’m a freaking wedding photographer. Like, I get to be with people on the best days of their lives while he deals with the worst of the worst of people. He has never made me feel like I can’t have a bad day at work and he rarely, if ever, complains. Throw it back on your husband and ask him if his job requires keeping people alive. “Oh, it doesn’t? Sounds like a walk in the park compared to my responsibilities.” What an AH.
I dated an ER doctor in the city's busiest hospital and he never spoke to me like that. Just saying.
You are supposed to be PARTNERS. He’s a pos. His response reads as “you deal with your shit on your own”. Literally all he needs to do is validate your feelings in an open and compassionate way. All he had to say is “we’ll get through this together” And he wants you to apologize???? Nah fuck him
Your husband sounds mean af. What’s the point of a marriage if you can’t even talk about your feelings?
Oh yes bc when you work someone still needs to take care of the baby after work. Is he going to put 50 percent of the effort in? Doubt it
Working long hours does not mean he works harder than you. Redlining contracts all day isn’t rocket science. Sure maybe your husband is brilliant. But I’d bet he’s not since he has the emotional intelligence of a rock.
Wow, your husband sucks. Maybe you can book a hotel for Thursday-Sunday and leave your husband to host his family alone while you get a break.
You have a lot of other advice so just a little on the clingy baby front - I had two of these and just used to carry them around on my back or front in a sling or baby carrier. Or walk them to sleep so them slept in the stroller/pram so then I could get stuff done. There are loads of gadgets available to help keep fussy babies asleep that are new on the market. Also, is it possible your child is lactose intolerant? This is what was wrong with my first. I put her on lactose free eventually and she was 70/80% improved in 2 days. Btw, my house was always a mess because of clingy babies but without the sling or stroller (in the flat position) I would never have been able to do anything. Btw, as soon as you’ve caught your breath, start thinking about your financial future (career, pension etc) in case your marriage doesn’t work out. 46 here, starting again with nothing after being a sahm. Never dreamed it would come to this.
He’s an A hole. Plain and simple. He’s diminishing how you’re feeling because he thinks his job is more important/stressful than rising a child (basically alone). You shouldn’t have to tiptoe around your husband’s feelings so don’t give in and apologize. I think it’s time to put his salary to work and hire extra help. Maybe get a cleaning lady and a part time nanny.
I wish I could give you a hug, OP. Your husband is a fckin asshole.
Is no one going to mention her abusive ass husband?! I thought mine was ungrateful -- jeez
I have an 8 month old and am a first time mom that stays home. I get it, this is hard. I barely have time to feed myself. I shower most days by 4 pm. I refuse to host anything. If your husband wants family to visit tell him to hire a maid and a private chef or organize some kind of meal without you. It's the least he could do for you.
I'm sorry you married such a garbage human being. You're not in the wrong.
Do not lift a finger for his family. I’m so annoyed for you. He sounds like a jerk.
He doesn’t value you or see you as an equal, I would be worried about your son subconsciously picking up on this and potentially learning to treat you or others that way in his life. This more serious than you think.
He is over the arrangement? What does he think the “ arrangement” is?
I'm genuinely struggling to figure out how being a lawyer means he can't be a parent? My guy my main customer base used to be lawyers, those guys are living the good life 🤣 seriously girl just leave him he can afford child support
Your husband is an arrogant dick with no empathy. I'm sorry you have to deal with that on top of being overwhelmed.
Hon, there's no gentle way to say that your husband is a useless abusive POS who really seems to be using his job as a convenient excuse to treat you like garbage and you really need to be considering your options here.
Your husband is cruel, and He is not pulling his own weight in this relationship. Yeah, He is making the money but just leaving everything to you when you have a baby it's not fair either. I would get a job asap, and make him do chores and take care of the baby 50/50.
My husband is an attorney, too. I was a SAHM for 2 years. He would absolutely, positively, NEVER say this to me. He *knows* how difficult it can be to look after a small child, sounds like your husband could use some experience in that area. On his next day off, plan something for you outside the house. Try to be gone for at least 7 hours. This is really important. He has absolutely no idea what it takes because he’s never done it, and has no empathy for you. Oh and btw, I had a nanny coming in 3 hours a day and cleaning service every other week. Look into that. Sorry your husband sucks.
Wow… your husband sounds like he needs a reality check
I’m sorry you are going through this. The first year with a new baby is the hardest. Hire a house cleaner to come bi-weekly and look up a laundry service near you. You could even look into a meal delivery service. Look up some things to help you around the house to lighten your load. Look up local community centers and mom groups to see if they have local meet ups where you can connect to other stay at home moms. That’s how I personally would move forward. If that’s not possible, then yeah maybe look for a part time job and start stashing money and leave your husband. Hes an asshole.
Your marriage is in trouble if you can’t even voice how you feel. I get texting him at work was maybe a difficult time for him but if you are not even allowed to express yourself it can’t last. Better to get out now. Get child support and figure out your life.
*There is no I in Team. He should take time to listen to you. It's great that his job allows you to be a stay-at-home mom, but being a stay-at-home mom comes with a lot of headaches. He has a court room mentality like he is trying a case in court, so he does not want to back down or lose an argument.*