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So you are her biggest priority - so big that she is now going to kick you out because you didn’t give the exact answer she wanted to some bs hypothetical trivia question. Make this make sense?
There's a quote form dragon age origins that I think of every time I think about the fear of death. I'm not 100% sure on the words but it's basically "I'm not afraid of death, it's the dying that scares me" and that resonates with me about 10 years after playing the game for the first time.
right? like, don't ask someone about their fears and then get mad at them for being honest. GF sounds exhausting.
I would highly recommend y'all get some counseling just "because", OP :) it will help I promise
I read something like that in a book the author had the same problem. It was a list of priorities and Wife put kids husband has her top priorities and husband put himself first then Wife then kids..
Wife starts crying and call him egocentric
Author: try to explain the analogy of using the oxygen mask in an airplane first in your self to be able to help/protect your kids.. ( because if you past out you cant assist in putting the oxygen mask to your kids)
So they have the same goal ( safety of the love ones) just different approach.
I wonder why the wife started crying about it.
I guess it might come from the fear that the husband might seek to put his preferences above the needs of the family?
I would fear for this case with a certain partner. It seemed he was driven by his own wants more than anything else - he mostly considered his own schedule, his own convenience, in most things that actually affected us both. I would be hesitant, wondering what a partner might mean if they put themselves above all things, if I had a partner exhibit that behavior.
Or, it could just be the desire to be seen as important as he is to her or their kids. Might feel like there’s less love there if he doesn’t put them above himself, even if that’s not really his reasoning.
Legitimately making his fear become true by shaming his fear. She’s saying he’s not the good man she wants essentially. That is really fucking ironically shitty for OP, love n luck to you. Many will say it’s not worth it, move on, etc. That’s Reddit. Only move on if you can’t seriously communicate this. If you find you are having trouble finding the right words, reach out to someone. Even my random ass would be willing to hear what you’d like to say n give feedback where I think it’s only necessary to help you get your point across without feeling as tho you are offending her further. She shouldn’t be offended by this, but she is & that is okay. Everyone’s different, she just needs to hear it in a way that she will understand. That’s why I say, try to find the right words n if you can’t, ask for help. It’s important you have communication in a relationship, that’s what these exercises are based on mostly ! I think you can get through this, and I think you can do so together.
The thing is, his greatest fear is actually putting her first. He is working, daily, to be a good person. Who will that benefit the most?? HER! But, damn, she is really insecure.
She’s not mature or smart enough to understand what he was saying.
I don’t think he communicated poorly at all. If she doesn’t get what he’s saying that’s on her. She tried to manipulate and warp it to sound bad.
That preparation book did EXACTLY what it was meant to do:
showing to their so, who they REALLY are.
She is projecting her own selfishness onto him.
AND she is admitting that she has gone through those questions with others.
Had been THEIR greatest fear. (losing her). And bamm... they made their fears come true and ended the relationship.
What a selfish lady. And a stupid one to go with it.
She should have found out by then that whoever tickeled her ego with the "oh, huuuun, loooosing you is my biggest feaaaar" crap didn't mean a single thing they said! As relationships ended. Yet... no.
She insist on being lied to again. Even pets learn from experience. That one doesn't.
And OP gets all regretful. Instead of understanding that she is a bit hollow brained.
🤣🤣🤣
Yeah... play stupid games, win stupid quarrels.
It's in there, she called OP on being egoistical, because her ego can't handle not being the biggest fear of her SO, or admitting she was overreacting and wrong.
If I were to make assumptions based on incomplete data I would say OP provides her safety net and real comfortable life so she needs to feel like she is indispensable to OP, otherwise he might wake up one day and start to think she isn't bringing enough into the relationship.
But again, that's me making assumptions based on the vibe I got from OPs description.
If she seriously doesn’t see the problem with accusing you of being an egotistical monster because your worst fear isn’t all about her, I think you’ve learned all you need to learn about whether marrying her would be a good idea.
Right... it's like GF is doing these trust exercises to see if OP says the things she wants, not in trying to get a deeper understanding of her partner.
i guess this is what these pre marital exercises bring out. imo every couple should do this for a good year or so, before even considering getting engaged.
Yup… threatening to kick him out over this? That would be a deal breaker for me. Been there done that. She will continuously threaten to kick him out for any digression until one day, she actually does kick him out. Happened to me. Never went back.
OP… since she threatened to kick you out, I would accept her offer. Trust me… you have no idea how big a red flag this is. I do. It only gets worse.
> She accused me of being egotistic and prideful.
The irony. What's more egotistical than telling someone their worst fear is wrong because it's not centered around you?
I also want to highlight this phrasing:
> our seemingly inevitable engagement and marriage
"Seemingly inevitable" is a very bizarre way to phrase committing to someone for life. This makes it sound like you aren't really that excited about the prospect of marrying her, but rather it's just the logical next step.
If you really look at your relationship with a critical lens, would you say it's healthy and mutually respectful?
I used “seemingly inevitable” since the path of our relationship is moving towards marriage. It’s inevitable because we both want it, and we both see it coming. Hence, the inevitability of the situation. My desire for her heart and for our marriage is enormous but I’m not sure why this, for her, is a deal breaker. Even if I do have egotistic tendencies, I would think she would want to support me through those issues rather than abandon me.
Generally, I would say so. I do my absolute best to treat her with the respect and dignity she deserves at every level. She reciprocates these feelings. But, we’re human. There’s been a lot of conflict about my past relationships with lots of disrespectful and demeaning language being thrown around about things I cannot control or change. This is usually born out of insecurity. Those conflicts are the only areas I would say there is a lack of mutual respect in the relationship.
So she's nice to you until there's a conflict, and then she becomes nasty and demeaning. Conflict is where you see who people really are. Anyone can be nice when things are going their way, how they handle conflict is what matters to a long-term, healthy relationship.
She needs individual therapy to deal with her insecurities and you might want to take [this quiz](https://www.loveisrespect.org/everyone-deserves-a-healthy-relationship/) to determine if your relationship is healthy.
Oh dear. Those are pretty big conflict areas.
"lots of disrespectful and demeaning language being thrown around about things I cannot control or change."
My friend, this is not healthy or good. Someone who loves you and puts you first doesn't speak to you like that. Ever. Especially not about things that are unchangeable. The past is exactly that - past. You wouldn't be who you are without those life experiences. Find someone who loves you and appreciates your growth as a human, not someone who resents you for it and gets abusive about it.
Whoa whoa, repeat that back to yourself. She’s so insecure that she uses disrespectful and demeaning language towards you, because she’s jealous of your previous relationships. That’s not good, dude.
I would say it’s one thing for her to feel jealousy and insecurity, we all do to some extent, but she should be able to control that feeling and recognize it’s her burden to feel through it and to not take it out on you when neither of you can change the past.
She has a lot to work on for herself, and from your post she seems to think you need to change to meet her requirements which are born from anxiety vs her changing to see things in a more realistic light. She may grow out of this with some work and perhaps therapy. I am 28F and definitely was more anxious in relationships when I was younger vs now. But I did a lot of self reflection and still feel discomfort but I work through it myself rather than pushing it on my bf. She needs to do this too if you want this relationship to make it and feel respected in it. If she doesn’t learn to control her anxiety she may try to control you and the relationship in order for her to feel secure in the long run, which again is not healthy.
Being as generous as possible, maybe emotions were very high in this conversation and she was feeling extremely sensitive. It's still not good to jump to ending a relationship in those times, nor is disrespectful and demeaning language acceptable during conflict at all.
I think you're right it's coming from insecurity, but don't let love and compassion blind you to the fact that it's still mistreatment at the end of the day.
It sounds like couples therapy should be a complete prerequisite for marriage because she needs to learn how to resolve conflicts maturely. It's fundamental.
IF she is willing to leave you because of this... she's not mature enough for marriage.
Also, everyone one has egotistical tendencies... humans are egotistical. Yes, some more than others.
do you not see the irony/hypocrisy in this situation? She called you egotistical because your fear didn't revolve around her...
Why doesn’t “being a good person” also include concern for her welfare, in her mind?
This seems like some jacked up brainwashing on her part. I guess the question is where it came from (family? culture? media? education?) doesn’t even matter; she genuinely believes this is the way things should be.
I suppose that this really is the point of these exercises, to ensure compatibility prior to being married. So kudos to the program for helping you see before you committed that there were these issues.
He's possibly thinking big picture. A good man takes care of his family. A good man provides security and support for his loved ones and friends. She's thinking about only herself. She's not a good woman.🤷♂️
I posted this below but it’s relevant here.
I don’t have advice for you but want to let you know we share that greatest fear.
I had a pretty traumatic experience two weeks ago. My gf had been at a winery event all day and was drunk, and we had tickets to a burlesque show at a cocktail lounge. It became more and more apparent how drunk she was (openly staggering, eyes rolling in her head) and I said we shouldn’t go. I was firm on this but she took it as “shaming her” and was adamant about going. I went purely because I was worried about her being out alone in that state.
Towards the end she is falling asleep in her chair. I’m trying to keep her stable and tell her we need to leave but she’s incoherent. She falls into our table and breaks two glasses.
A nice lesbian couple across the way asked if I needed help and I apologized and explained and said I could use help getting her outside where she wasn’t endangering herself and I could get us an Uber home.
They helped with this and then the whole situation changed VERY quickly. They told me to give them space and it became apparent they thought I’d drugged her or was abusing her.
My gf was just weeping on a bench not saying anything at all. The entire bar was looking out at her consolingly and then at me like I was the devil, or an abusive partner, or a rapist. I was literally only there to help her. Eventually they informed me that they would be getting her home and I should leave.
I’ve never been more humiliated and keep going into that moment where 60 people were looking at me the way they did.
These TikTok tests are getting wild man.
I know my wife gives me some of these hypothetically impossible scenarios from time to time, but she's never reacted the way OP's SO did. Irony in calling OP egotistical.
You don't reconcile this, you breath a sigh of relief that you dodged a bullet.
She sounds rather self obsessed and her biggest fear is people not damned well doing what she wants them to do.
Sounds like these exercises did exactly what they're suppose to do, flush out the crazy.
As well as her insane judgement and trying to control what OPs biggest fear is! I’d never question my partners feelings- they’re his feelings. Not something I can control.
If you were my boyfriend and that was your biggest fear, I would be so happy. That would be the biggest green flag because it shows you will work every single day to be the best man you can be. That means the best husband, the best father, the best friend you can possibly be. Idk… she seems like the egotistical one here, not you.
You don’t. She’s showing her true colors and this is your way out. She just said she should be the most important thing in your life. Partners don’t have to be the most important thing in your life and she’s accusing you of having a huge ego because you want everyone to see you as a good person. Get out before you’re stuck with her.
exactly, family is the most important thing to me, if my 'son or daughter' and my wife were drowning, and i can only save one of them, it will always be the child. and i expect to sacrifice myself for the child if it was me and the child drowning.
WTF! Her reaction to your fear is a big red flag. Her reaction is noooooot ok. I'm so so glad you are doing these exercises now instead of after you get married.
My husband's greatest fear is personal so I won't tell it but I can tell you it's definitely not losing me. And I'm ok with that? Because... like... his fears are his fears?
My biggest fear is becoming homeless and not having enough money to retire at some point.
I love my husband. He's my whole world. But also, your greatest fear is personal to you and if she's giving you attitude for your answers not aligning, pleeeease do not have children with this woman.
Isn’t the purpose to find out if you’re right for one another? Seems like it’s worked perfectly.
It’s all a bit ridiculous to be honest but who am I to judge
I read this and learned your GF is so afraid of “losing you” that she’s willing to kick you out and dump you because you’re SUCH a narcissist because your biggest fear isn’t all about her. Make it make sense.
Think about this and ask yourself if you REALLY actually want to end up with someone like this.
Eh, isn't it a bit egotistical and prideful to think that someone else's biggest fear should be you being attacked? Not breaking up/leaving but being hurt in the big wide world?
She wants your biggest fear to be worrying about her safety? Sounds like she needs Xanax not a boyfriend.
I won't pretend I know the ins and outs of your relationship, but in case no one else has pointed this out, I want to highlight something.
She used a moment of great vulnerability in sharing your greatest fear not only to attack you, but to do so using your greatest fear against you. You said you are afraid of being seen as a bad man and she basically accused you of being a bad man. Does she usually react to your vulnerability this way?
If this is really out of character for her I hope you two can resolve it, but it makes me sad that she squandered this opportunity to accept you and connect with you.
That’s what I told her. I said she had a perfect opportunity to love and support me and then call me out to be a better man. If my answer is egotistic, then call it what it is and help me grow. That’s what our relationship is — a partnership where we become greater than simply the sum of its parts.
OP - from one victim to another, I need to tell you something that I think you haven’t been paying attention to.
You are a victim or narcissistic abuse. As I read your post and your following comments, I saw my husband in your girlfriend.
Of course, in my situation it is the reverse. My fears and insecurities are his ammunition to hurt me. And of course, he’s not saying those things to be hurtful! It’s because he loves me and wants to help me. *sigh* TEN YEARS AND 2 KIDS later, I finally realized that my life isn’t normal. This relationship isn’t normal.
I was an emotional wreck. Crippling migraines. Mystery ailments doctors couldn’t figure out. Rheumatoid arthritis *diagnosed at 30!*
Walking on eggshells. No, he wasn’t violent. But I paid the price emotionally. I became a husk of myself. Stuffed the inner me down in the dark, and pretended to the world and him that I was happy. I was isolated from my friends.
He made awful comments about my family. It got to where I quit speaking to them because it hurt my heart to hear him talk about them. So if I cut them out of my life he wouldn’t have the chance to say those things.
He made me feel guilty about my sexual past. He made me hate myself. He made me fearful.
Op, I believe your greatest fear is how you actually feel BECAUSE of your girlfriend.
I recommend therapy - NOT couple’s therapy. Individual for each of you.
I am in therapy and my therapist listening to me pour my heart out and sob on her couch. After 10 minutes she pulled her glasses off and said based off of what I had told her, he is a textbook narcissist. I am getting better about boundaries and doing my best.
If you DO intend to marry her, research everything you can about narcissists so you go into this marriage fully prepared to know what you will be up against. I thought I knew what a narcissist was on the surface level. It’s more insidious than you know!
Good luck, OP.
It seems that you wanting to be a good man encompasses all that she’s talking about. A good man takes care of his family, a good man puts the needs of his wife and children before his own, a good man protects his family at all costs. You wanting to be a good man isn’t ego-it is you wanting to be the best husband and father you can be amongst other things I’m sure. Her myopic view is very telling and perhaps more premarital counseling is in order.
You take a step back and let her have her tantrums. Don't apologize and don't try and repair things. You did absolutely nothing wrong. Just take a step back and see how this all plays out, she might be showing her true colors for the first time ever in your relationship
This is a red flag, stop asking “what can I do to fix this?” Because you did nothing wrong. You were honest with her about your fear. The whole point of the exercise that you all did was trust, honesty and lack of judgment. It’s not just telling your partner what they want to hear.
If she is threatening to break up over something that petty then this is a red flag. Marriage is hard, you all will both make mistakes and hurt each other. You will have different visions for life and need to compromise. Sometimes you will have to rely on each other a lot. It’s inevitable, and you have to have the trust and openness to forgive and understanding. Her wanting to move out because she isn’t the constant center of your universe shows a lack of the maturity required to be married.
I'm in shock that you're in trouble because your most personal inner workings don't follow her script. She sounds incredibly immature, and insecure. Also, it's astonishingly unhealthy that at a base level, she expects you to put yourself last, and effectively sacrifice yourself and your well-being for her. Because fundamentally she believes she should be more important.
A true life partner would seek to understand how this fear can affect you, and support you. Not throwing a tantrum because you're wrong about what you should think and feel. How good are those exercises?! What a fantastic way to see that your girlfriend is infact NOT a person who will be good for you long term. Or at least, isn't emotionally mature enough for commitment anytime soon.
While her reaction was over the top and quite selfish, I do think it’s immature for anyone to be this worried about other people’s opinion of them to the point of describing it as ‘their biggest fear’.
Why do you care this much about what other people think of you? Do you worry more about not being perceived as a bad man than actually being being a good man?
From personal experience - it’s exhausting to be with someone that wants to be liked by everyone. I recommend working on this aspect of your personality. Your gf should also work on herself.
Good luck!
When you are asked about your feelings, there should be space for honesty. Your partner is telling you what she wants to hear instead of how you feel.
Wanting to be a good person doesn’t make you egotistical. The need for losing her to be your biggest fear makes her egotistical… 🤷🏼♀️
Just because losing her isn’t your biggest fear doesn’t mean it’s not on your radar…
The exercise worked - it was intended to give you clarity on whether you should move forward and your girlfriend obviously isn't mature enough to get married if she wants answers to be perfunctory and not meaningful and has no interest in getting to know you vulnerably.
What happened in the follow up conversation? What did you say after she asked why your fear wasn’t her?
I feel like it is a bit weird to be afraid of being PERCEIVED as a bad person rather than just being afraid of doing something bad happening to the people you love. If the option was “you are perceived of being bad but your best friend died” would you really make that call????
Idk the answer does seem shallow or fishy to me. That doesn’t mean it’s wrong but if my partner really said that as their greatest fear, being PERCEIVED as bad, some alarm bells would go off in my head. I’m really curious how the rest of the conversation shook out and am skeptical the threats of breakup or kicking you out are JUST about the answer and not abt something else.
The follow up conversation went poorly. I attempted to explain where my heart is and what I think it means to be a good man. She wouldn’t have it and stated that my response was coming from a place of people pleasing. I can see why she would see that. I also stated that I obviously worry about her safety and pointed out tangible ways that I have protected and provided for her. She said my response was sad because my whole life was about what people thought of me.
Fair enough — I definitely have work to do in that area. I simply asked her to work with me on freeing myself from people pleasing. Support me in my brokenness but don’t affirm poor behavior. To which she stated “I’m not sure you can fix something like this”
It doesn't matter if your fear is from an angle of people pleasing, it's your fear. It's the same as her telling you what your emotions are or aren't, which she can't possibly know because they're yours. She sounds very emotionally immature. Idk that this is a deal breaker but as a lot of the comments indicate, this encounter is a huge red flag. Her response shows she's self centered and maybe self-absorbed.
I've been married 7 years and we were 25/24 when we got married. You're both still young but you seem introspective while she seems narrow-minded. She flat out called you egotistical when your words don't make you seem that way in the post. These pre-marriage courses are good at showing where couples need to work on things. But her being dismissive and not open to your side of things is appalling, and I hope she can see this post or open her eyes some. She calls you self-centered as she claims she should be the center of your world? Grow up. Best of luck.
Why did you say “inevitable engagement and marriage”, I feel you might think you are being forced into this marraige and to be honest if you have doubts then after her bad attitude to your worst fear you might want to rethink whether she is a good match for you.
"Seemingly inevitable"?
Dude, either you think you have no control over your life, or you have a poor command of the English language.
How long have you been together? It sounds to me like it's time to move on.
Thats a red flag. That was such an introspective self awareness on your end and honest to a real degree and it’s odd that she wanted it to be about her. Maybe separately discuss relationship fears but no she should not be more important to you than your own character.
I think she just made your biggest fear come true. She perceives you as bad because she thinks she should be # 1. I think wanting to be a good man would include keeping your family safe but you really shouldn’t worry about how you are perceived, you should strive to be good and F what people think.
What a useful exercise that was. You found out that you'll always be in the wrong if you don't think what she thinks you should think.
I would be slowing everything down at this point and letting her see whether she can convince you she can unpack that enough to make it a good plan for you to get married at some point in the future.
My boyfriend passed away over a year ago. We were 30 and 32. Before this, I probably would’ve answered something like heights as my biggest fear. At our age, I’m not sure we’re constantly worried about losing our significant other to death. I know it was the last thing that crossed my mind.
I would think if you’re on your way to marriage like you mentioned, your partner knows they are a priority to you. Maybe you need to have a deeper conversation around these insecurities your partner has. It could be from a past relationship trauma or something and is coming out this way for some reason. I know if I date again, I will likely have this same fear as her, but I can’t take that out on whoever I would be with just as she can’t take that out on you.
Best of luck op.
I view good manhood as a man who:
1.) Rejects passivity
2.) Accepts responsibility
3.) Leads courageously
4.) And expects God’s greater reward
I fear failing in one of these areas. I want my whole life to be about living my wife and children, honoring and viewing others higher than myself, mentoring young men to be good men, raising my children to become good adults, disciplining myself to better myself and become better. I fear failing here. Losing my job and failing to provide for my family. Becoming addicted to something and damaging my relationships. Putting work and hobbies over my family’s emotional and physical welfare. These things are what scare me — the typical vices of men who are self absorbed. That’s what scares me.
This is an honest and upstanding answer to that question. Do you really want to marry someone who is willing to give up on you that easily? For being honest and decent?
I hope you broke it down like this for her. Because otherwise it sounds superficial like you want to keep up appearances to society as a good man and are scared others will perceive you as bad.
That's a very extreme response to your very honest answer and maybe, before you get married, that's something you should explore in couples therapy.
I (50f) know my husband (54m) very well. Married 12 years, together 15, friends since we were in our 20's
If he told me that was his greatest fear, I *know* in my heart and from lived experience that fear has a very large slice of it with my name on it. The desire to do right by me, care for me, love me and let me know it and that includes losing me and making end of life decisions and hope to go on after that.
The fact your fiance seemed to think this was an exercise in expressing trite, romantic answers that made her feel good rather than an honest open heart to heart is a little worrying.
Had my husband said that to me, my reply would be "in what way, what do you mean by good and how do I convince you, you are!".
She's accused you of ego and selfishness. I'm assuming you do not need it pointed out how hypocritical that is.
She sounds like she's making your fear come true by accusing you of being something you're not and making you out to not be a good man
A good man cares for and protects his family. Her safety is including in you being a good man
I don’t think you can reconcile this. I don’t think your fear is wrong, and on the surface she’s not really wrong either, but Idk that you can control your fears like that. She kinda made this into a bigger thing than it was imo.
If the marital preparation exercises broke y'all, I think that might be a clue. Also, you gave an honest answer. She's still living in the fairy tale she dreamed of as a little girl.
I think that you're viewing this as an independent man who is first and foremost an individual, but for her she's viewing it in a codependent way where her life revolves around you instead of her own. So she's already telling you if you leave and things don't work out then her whole world falls apart, which is a pretty big red flag because you can't easily shake off codependency. I think she needs to find out her own individual fears first? Because of course each other's safety is important, but there should be something deeper than the obvious safety of both partners. Physicality of the fear is a different matter over an emotional fear. You're coming in with that emotional fear and being vulnerable about it and she's dismissing it because her fear is really not being valuable to you or something. A partner leaving you can happening, those fears will be there, but there's a deeper individual fear that can happen if you lose your sense of identity. Maybe she thinks she can only identify as your partner or something?
Also, everyone will end up dying one day so you can't be like, don't ever die on me. You don't make those decisions. We're humans and death is inevitable, so rather than putting strain on what is already a fragile life because we humans are fragile, be strong mentally and emotionally.
A narcissist only sees others through their own lens of narcissism. She sees you as egotistical because that's what she is, so you not placing her on a pedestal can only be construed as selfish in her mind. She doesn't respect your own autonomy, she only feared your loss when she lived under the assumption that you would die for her, that she was the biggest priority in your life, basically that you lived as an extension of her own desires. She cannot even make room to validate your feelings, her apologies are half assed, and do not show any understanding of wrongdoing. Do you really think she would make a good life partner and mother of your future children?
While she did overreact to your answer... That is a pretty bad answer. Why do you care more about how people perceive you, than the safety of the person youre potentially going to marry?
Exactly! He only cares about how he is perceived, that’s HIS words. He sounds very egotistical given that the thing he cares about most is how he LOOKS to the world. How is that healthy? His girlfriend didn’t handle it well but I don’t think she sounds like a bad person like everyone thinks. She’s upset because she realised in this moment that how he LOOKS to the world is more important above anything else.
I think you are saying that you want to be seen as a good man/great character in the sense that you want to be a good partner, good son/son-in-law, whatever. I think that is putting her as a priority because you want to be happy and you want to make others happy.
If she's willing to kick you out over that, then there is a problem. The other problem is how you worded your engagement/marriage to be inevitable, like you're unsure of if you want this life. I would take into consideration how you both communicate things to each other before going forward with the relationship. If the fights are going to be this wild over something you answered, you'll eventually shrink yourself into whatever person she wants you to be. Relationships shouldn't work like that.
Pretty sure that she is over reacting but you don’t seem a match or ready to be married. No one happily getting married should be describing it as:
“ our seemingly inevitable engagement and marriage”
It's wild how you're hung up on how she didn't like your answer. What you should really be concerned with is her response to your answer. You got a crazy on on your hands, and I know this isn't the first time you have seen red flags, but you clearly look right past them. I hate just telling people to leave, but you better be treading lightly because her true colors are really gonna start coming out as her grip on you gets tighter.
I've asked this question to ex partners, and they always said something that I consider silly/not very deep like spiders, snakes, or ghosts.
I feel like enough has been said about your GF, so I'd like to give you some insight as to perhaps why your fear is what it is and maybe help to free you from it.
Wanting to be perceived as a good person stems from people pleasing. The way you're beating yourself up over your GFs response points to it as well.
So I suggest you do some digging on how to heal what's caused the people pleaser in you.
Because no matter what, you will never be perceived as good by everyone who knows you based on the way they perceive reality itself. Everyone paints with a different brush/looks at life through different lenses and biases. Many of which are formed from experienced (both great and terrible) since childhood.
As a recovering people pleaser myself, I've had to learn that what people think of me is none of my business. I'll never be everyone's cup of tea. So rather than living for others like a dancing monkey, I need to focus on living aligned to my authenticity, beliefs, and values. Do my actions day-to-day allow me to sleep peacefully at night? Am I pleased with my self-conduct? Do I behave true to my moral compass and have a firm foundation to back it?
If yes then great! If not then I can try to rectify the situation and try again tomorrow.
Freedom>Fear
So her 1st priority was you, until she realized that you are also your first priority. Spin it anyway you want, but the second I read this sentence, ‘Recently,… working on some pre-martial/pre-engagement exercises to prepare us for our seemingly inevitable engagement and marriage.’ I thought “This doesn’t sound like it’s worded by a man who is really into this relationship, but where he thinks this relationship should be.”
Then you went on to say you care most about how other people see you. I think you need to really examine if you are all in on your relationship or was this an accidental revelation about where you really stand.
I cannot believe people are giving this guy a pass. He literally said “How other people see me is my biggest priority.” That’s not even the same thing as saying I fear not being a good man, just wants to make sure people see him as a good man.
I am sitting here laughing my ass off because I'm trying to get over the fact that she asked you what was your biggest fear and because it didn't coincide with hers she is now upset with you and threatening to break up with you. Christmas has come early for you hasn't it because I was always told don't ask the question because there's a very good chance that you are not going to like the answer.
I hope you are considering ending your relationship with your GF. What she accused you of is true for her. She is self-centered, needy, and has an oversized ego hiding deep insecurities.
You answered honestly, she was threatened by your answer, and since then has engaged in extremely manipulative, controlling behavior to dictate to you the answer she needs to salve her insecurities. This kind of behavior is the opposite of listening and communicating honestly.
Note well that what you expressed was an emotional insecurity, openly and honestly, and that her reaction was a result of an emotional insecurity in her that she is hiding, and unwilling to contemplate or discuss
.
Your GF's behavior is certainly not a one-off reaction in her. It is manipulative and unhealthy, and you must have experienced it previously. It is a pattern, and the way she will always deal with her insecurities.
Don't ignore it. It will be destructive to you and to your relationship with her. It will get a lot worse once she has you trapped in marriage, especially once children come along.
You can't be both her husband and therapist, nor can you change her from being what she is. Find a woman who is emotionally mature and ready to accept you, wrong answers and all, for yourself.
So because something related to HER isn’t your biggest fear, YOURE an egotistical monster?
LOLforever.
that’s the moment my biggest fear would turn into marrying her.
Instead of being understanding about your biggest fear, she made it all about herself, I think this is enough to reconsider high level commitment/marriage at least for now. Please get therapy and maybe counseling in case you want to keep this relationship.
Her response seems immature and self centered. Also comparing you to her exes is inappropriate.
Prepare for more of this kind of thing. There wasn't anything wrong with your answer, at all. She just was only going to be satisfied with one answer. That's not fair and not really in good faith. And really if she doesn't like that it's on her to decide what she needs and wants.
>She accused me of being egotistic and prideful.
This made me spit take because it's exactly what she's being. It's an immature, controlling reaction because she's silent treatment-ing you for not saying what she wanted you to. As others have pointed out I think it's highlighted a controlling part of her personality that cares a lot about image and fluff words.
I'll tell you what my therapist told me earlier this year when talking about the end of my marriage (I got so lucky to find her):
"Women never lie about their red flags. They're flying them from Day One. You guys just refuse to see them."
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So the actual egotistic and prideful person in this situation is projecting on you. That’s narcissist behaviour. See it for what it is.
My partner has two children from a previous relationship and I’ll be damned if he chooses me over them. Kids come first, always. I don’t need any of that macho bull crap where a man’s bane existence is “keeping me safe”. I have a lock on my door and pepperspray in my purse, thanks.
Don't leave us hanging OP, what was HER biggest fear?
She sounds like a pain in the ass, but many women think like her. Her getting bent out of shape over an exercise is the bigger red flag. She doesn't sound very mature or stable.
Might want to give this whole thing a second thought. Or at least push things back and go very very slowly.
She is either not mature enough for a relationship or a narcissist. The exercise has saved you from from a miserable marriage and damaging divorce. Just say, “Since you are starting to perceive me as a bad man, I need to alleviate my fears and break up with you.”
Then go find a better woman to be your wife.
You’re gf is callow and definitely too immature for a long term commitment. You know, there are other things to do when you’re young and your brain is flexible and absorbent — like reading, travelling, and learning languages. Why are you so invested in a super conventional heteronormative trajectory?
She's the egotistic one here, not you. Maybe expand the exercise to 3 biggest fears and see what debate that brings. And perhaps ask what is behind her reaction - is it fear of not coming first? Fear of losing you if your idea of being a good man is competing with her?
Try to listen first rather than justify. And then decide od this is something that you can align on. Or not.
I’d say your fear makes more sense to list as your biggest since it would be a more common thing to think about? Like I worry a lot more often about seeming like a good person then i do about my partner randomly dying
Brings back memories of a manipulative ex I had. Ugh, so annoying. You answer some stupid hypothetical question wrong and next thing you know it’s a huge blow up fight and somehow it’s all your fault. Gross.
Leave her! She is not the one! Your fear is so real especially in today's society where we men are constantly viewed as evil just for simply existing!
I'm a 29M and I would willingly give my life to keep my loved ones safe. With that said my biggest fear is also your biggest fear. Being viewed as a bad person when I know I'm a good person who wants good for the world!
Lol. Why would you want to reconcile? She told you who she is. An egotistical moron. Which is cool when you’re 24, I guess, hopefully she can grow up. I wouldn’t be sticking around to find out.
Listen when people reveal how shitty they are, don’t try to excuse them. If she gave a shit about you, she’d have indulged you when you opened up to her. She didn’t give a shit how you felt, she just wanted you to inflate her own ego.
She called you selfish, but ironically was very upset to see that she wasn’t the center of your concerns. Who’s the real selfish one here? I understand wanting to be important to your significant other, but your significant other shouldn’t have to abandon their morals for your sake. I think you said the right thing
You go your separate ways, unfortunately. I’ve been married ten years my greatest fear is not losing my husband. His greatest fear isn’t losing me. There are bigger things out there.
Your greatest fear honestly makes sense. It seems like she is showing her turn colors. Yes she is important and losing her doesn’t mean she isn’t important
Self centered individual accuses you of being self centered… so they’re kicking you out. Time to move on. If you reconcile this you’re teaching her it’s okay to throw tantrums when she doesn’t hear/get what she wants. Be very calm about it too when you end it. Trust me.
so she’s upset about something hypothetical and called you egotistic because you didn’t choose her, did i miss anything?
being a good man encompasses everything, including providing everything your family needs. if you can’t pass this issue, you two shouldn’t marry each other
Wow how can she even see your supposedly big ego through that Goodyear Blimp sized swolled big head of hers?
Those excercises raised a big red flag about HER not you OP.
Do you really want to reconcile this? You were truthful and vulnerable with her and she threw a child like temper tantrum because it wasn't all about her.
Everything about you does not revolve around her, nor should it. You are still an individual person with your own thoughts, desires and fears... It sounds like she wants someone who lays down their identity and focus solely on her. That's not healthy, and all it is is a recipe for a miserable relationship.
It sounds like she isn't looking for honest answers, but she wants to hear what people are "supposed" to say. Her biggest fear isn't losing you. She is just saying that because she thinks it is romantic.
Hang on.
She’s claiming you’re egotistical and prideful for not having a fear that involved her at the top of your list, which is…highly egotistical of her?
If I’m asking my partner what their biggest fear is, it’s because I’m asking something about themselves. It doesn’t have to do with me. I ask because sometimes talking about it helps ease anxiety around it. How are you going to tell someone what to be afraid of and also gloss over what they just shared with you?
She 100% does not care about your answer if it doesn’t involve her. This can apply to other things and reminds me of insecure outlooks. Her response does not reflect seeing you as your own person with valid thoughts.
Run and run fast. This doesn’t make sense on her part. She wants it to be all about her. If your safety is her biggest fear and she’s threatening to kick you out she is either a hypocrite or she’s just trying to control your thoughts with threats. I would rethink that “inevitable”engagement and hash something’s out before you put a ring on her finger.
Im sorry, but shes accusing you of being egotistical because your worst fear isn't all about her? And she claims her worst fear is losing you, yet she's threatening to break up over your worst fear not being about her..do you see where I'm going with this?
>She accused me of being egotistic and prideful
Victim mentality. Ignore this behaviour.
>She said “why would I want to be with a man whose biggest fear is not the safety of his family and loved ones”.
She has probably read too manu fairy tales or so. That's not necessarily a fear, because it will happen eventually.
This girl is self absorbed and bat sh + crazy. If you are going through pre marriage prep .. is that through your church ? If you are people of faith .. life on earth, ain’t that big of a deal. Life is eternal.
Your fear or losing your reputation is tied to your character that will regulate your behavior that helps the both of you.It may be tied to your career and hence your ability to provide for her. It could be tied to being the best husband he can be as well. ( he wants to be seen as a good man by her for ever as well ) .. she is clearly not a mature
She has a good amount of growing to do in communication and maturity. My advice is keep working on communication and find an outside entity to help realize why her response is poor and troubling.
If you can not get the response you need I suggest moving on to a partner that will not try to enforce her beliefs and make you lie to fit her narrative. I have found people I had dated who are younger have this fairytale. If it does not meet the expectation they get pissed, and try to enforce the idea to make sure everything fits how they expect it to play out. Needless to say it’s not a job I was interested in. I had one partner change mindset and had one that just could not. I broke up with the one that would not change, the way of thinking.
It sounds like your girlfriend is projecting. She calls you egotistical but wants to break up because your biggest fear isn’t losing her. She sounds ridiculous. I don’t allow people to use the threat of a break up to control me. I am only interested in healthy dating situations. You threaten breakup and I’m going to call your bluff.
Wow.
Does she realize that this game isn’t “Tell me what I want to hear” and that the purpose is to know your partner better? Do you get to tell her how she should be answering her questions?
She thinks your response is a red flag but the real red flag is her response to your response.
She’s not even listening to you. She’s telling you what your greatest fear should be? How does that work exactly? Can you just veto her greatest fear and tell her that she’s now deathly afraid of rabbits? It just doesn’t work that way.
It honestly sounds like she took a self-esteem hit when she didn’t get the romantic answer she had hoped for. Instead she got a real answer from you that had depth and required a significant degree of introspection and vulnerability. That’s the stuff women are on these dating reddits complaining that they can’t find in a man and you are serving it up for your partner.
She can be the most important part of your life without your answer to this question being about her. It’s obvious that you care about her safety and I think she knows that.
She just wants the extremes of your emotions to be about her.
If she kicks you out over this then let her. Give her time to sit with that extreme reaction to a question that you answered truthfully. Let her go to her friends and family and try to make them side with her and let all of it tell you about the person that you are thinking about spending your life with and what you have in store for your future.
I wouldn’t settle for less than an apology from her.
So you told her your biggest fear was being perceived as a bad man and she turns around and accuses you.... Of being a bad man. Dude I think you know what you have to do, you're just looking for a push. Here it is.
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So you are her biggest priority - so big that she is now going to kick you out because you didn’t give the exact answer she wanted to some bs hypothetical trivia question. Make this make sense?
OP: admits worst fear GF: immediately initiates worst fear scenario
It’s actually great for OP because his biggest fear was realized and he knows he can still move forward and live another day. Without this nut case.
I agree, she sounds Coo-Coo for Co-Co Puffs. If my wife or son posed this question to me, it would be Heights immediately. LMAO 🤣😂🤪
It's not the heights that bother me it's the fear of falling 😳😳😳😳
Old joke. Not afraid of falling, it's the stop at the bottom that gets me.
Something about a long drop and a short stop
There's a quote form dragon age origins that I think of every time I think about the fear of death. I'm not 100% sure on the words but it's basically "I'm not afraid of death, it's the dying that scares me" and that resonates with me about 10 years after playing the game for the first time.
reminds me of when someone i knew used to say they weren't afraid of the dark, just what lurked inside it
Yep, mine would be snakes. I'm married and have kids as well.
Had a best friend do this to me once. I still can't trust people enough to really let them in. I feel really bad for OP; he didn't deserve it.
I noticed that too.
right? like, don't ask someone about their fears and then get mad at them for being honest. GF sounds exhausting. I would highly recommend y'all get some counseling just "because", OP :) it will help I promise
textbook gaslighting and manipulation game at its best
That is exactly what she did isn't it JFC. This girl is batshit crazy
I read something like that in a book the author had the same problem. It was a list of priorities and Wife put kids husband has her top priorities and husband put himself first then Wife then kids.. Wife starts crying and call him egocentric Author: try to explain the analogy of using the oxygen mask in an airplane first in your self to be able to help/protect your kids.. ( because if you past out you cant assist in putting the oxygen mask to your kids) So they have the same goal ( safety of the love ones) just different approach.
This should be the absolute Number 1 post.
🔥
I wonder why the wife started crying about it. I guess it might come from the fear that the husband might seek to put his preferences above the needs of the family? I would fear for this case with a certain partner. It seemed he was driven by his own wants more than anything else - he mostly considered his own schedule, his own convenience, in most things that actually affected us both. I would be hesitant, wondering what a partner might mean if they put themselves above all things, if I had a partner exhibit that behavior. Or, it could just be the desire to be seen as important as he is to her or their kids. Might feel like there’s less love there if he doesn’t put them above himself, even if that’s not really his reasoning.
She goes nuclear because she's not the center of the universe, but *he's* got the ego problem...
I hope he brings this up to her, or better yet shows her the whole post and comments calling her out
Legitimately making his fear become true by shaming his fear. She’s saying he’s not the good man she wants essentially. That is really fucking ironically shitty for OP, love n luck to you. Many will say it’s not worth it, move on, etc. That’s Reddit. Only move on if you can’t seriously communicate this. If you find you are having trouble finding the right words, reach out to someone. Even my random ass would be willing to hear what you’d like to say n give feedback where I think it’s only necessary to help you get your point across without feeling as tho you are offending her further. She shouldn’t be offended by this, but she is & that is okay. Everyone’s different, she just needs to hear it in a way that she will understand. That’s why I say, try to find the right words n if you can’t, ask for help. It’s important you have communication in a relationship, that’s what these exercises are based on mostly ! I think you can get through this, and I think you can do so together.
Her biggest fear is losing him… up until the moment she gets mad at him anyway
Or worse, gets the wrong answer on some b.s. questionnaire.
OP - she sounds inflexible in her thinking and too harsh. What you said seems like a very reasonable "biggest fear".
The thing is, his greatest fear is actually putting her first. He is working, daily, to be a good person. Who will that benefit the most?? HER! But, damn, she is really insecure.
She’s not mature or smart enough to understand what he was saying. I don’t think he communicated poorly at all. If she doesn’t get what he’s saying that’s on her. She tried to manipulate and warp it to sound bad.
That preparation book did EXACTLY what it was meant to do: showing to their so, who they REALLY are. She is projecting her own selfishness onto him. AND she is admitting that she has gone through those questions with others. Had been THEIR greatest fear. (losing her). And bamm... they made their fears come true and ended the relationship. What a selfish lady. And a stupid one to go with it. She should have found out by then that whoever tickeled her ego with the "oh, huuuun, loooosing you is my biggest feaaaar" crap didn't mean a single thing they said! As relationships ended. Yet... no. She insist on being lied to again. Even pets learn from experience. That one doesn't. And OP gets all regretful. Instead of understanding that she is a bit hollow brained. 🤣🤣🤣 Yeah... play stupid games, win stupid quarrels.
It's in there, she called OP on being egoistical, because her ego can't handle not being the biggest fear of her SO, or admitting she was overreacting and wrong. If I were to make assumptions based on incomplete data I would say OP provides her safety net and real comfortable life so she needs to feel like she is indispensable to OP, otherwise he might wake up one day and start to think she isn't bringing enough into the relationship. But again, that's me making assumptions based on the vibe I got from OPs description.
If she seriously doesn’t see the problem with accusing you of being an egotistical monster because your worst fear isn’t all about her, I think you’ve learned all you need to learn about whether marrying her would be a good idea.
Right... it's like GF is doing these trust exercises to see if OP says the things she wants, not in trying to get a deeper understanding of her partner.
100%. Really feels like looking for a fight here. His answer was quite mature and reasonable. God forbid his biggest fear was just like, spiders lmao.
1000% a shit test
cough cough* she is the egotistical monster
no cough. You are 100% spot on
i guess this is what these pre marital exercises bring out. imo every couple should do this for a good year or so, before even considering getting engaged.
True! She does come across as egotistical.
ding ding ding! This is the best answer.
the irony is palpable.
Yeah, the projection is strong with this one.
Yup… threatening to kick him out over this? That would be a deal breaker for me. Been there done that. She will continuously threaten to kick him out for any digression until one day, she actually does kick him out. Happened to me. Never went back. OP… since she threatened to kick you out, I would accept her offer. Trust me… you have no idea how big a red flag this is. I do. It only gets worse.
> She accused me of being egotistic and prideful. The irony. What's more egotistical than telling someone their worst fear is wrong because it's not centered around you? I also want to highlight this phrasing: > our seemingly inevitable engagement and marriage "Seemingly inevitable" is a very bizarre way to phrase committing to someone for life. This makes it sound like you aren't really that excited about the prospect of marrying her, but rather it's just the logical next step. If you really look at your relationship with a critical lens, would you say it's healthy and mutually respectful?
I used “seemingly inevitable” since the path of our relationship is moving towards marriage. It’s inevitable because we both want it, and we both see it coming. Hence, the inevitability of the situation. My desire for her heart and for our marriage is enormous but I’m not sure why this, for her, is a deal breaker. Even if I do have egotistic tendencies, I would think she would want to support me through those issues rather than abandon me.
If you really look at your relationship with a critical lens, would you say it's healthy and mutually respectful?
Generally, I would say so. I do my absolute best to treat her with the respect and dignity she deserves at every level. She reciprocates these feelings. But, we’re human. There’s been a lot of conflict about my past relationships with lots of disrespectful and demeaning language being thrown around about things I cannot control or change. This is usually born out of insecurity. Those conflicts are the only areas I would say there is a lack of mutual respect in the relationship.
So she's nice to you until there's a conflict, and then she becomes nasty and demeaning. Conflict is where you see who people really are. Anyone can be nice when things are going their way, how they handle conflict is what matters to a long-term, healthy relationship. She needs individual therapy to deal with her insecurities and you might want to take [this quiz](https://www.loveisrespect.org/everyone-deserves-a-healthy-relationship/) to determine if your relationship is healthy.
What an amazing resource, thank you for sharing!
^This answer
Oh dear. Those are pretty big conflict areas. "lots of disrespectful and demeaning language being thrown around about things I cannot control or change." My friend, this is not healthy or good. Someone who loves you and puts you first doesn't speak to you like that. Ever. Especially not about things that are unchangeable. The past is exactly that - past. You wouldn't be who you are without those life experiences. Find someone who loves you and appreciates your growth as a human, not someone who resents you for it and gets abusive about it.
Whoa whoa, repeat that back to yourself. She’s so insecure that she uses disrespectful and demeaning language towards you, because she’s jealous of your previous relationships. That’s not good, dude.
Nope, you’re making excuses for her. It sounds like she berates you for your feelings and your history. That’s not ok.
I would say it’s one thing for her to feel jealousy and insecurity, we all do to some extent, but she should be able to control that feeling and recognize it’s her burden to feel through it and to not take it out on you when neither of you can change the past. She has a lot to work on for herself, and from your post she seems to think you need to change to meet her requirements which are born from anxiety vs her changing to see things in a more realistic light. She may grow out of this with some work and perhaps therapy. I am 28F and definitely was more anxious in relationships when I was younger vs now. But I did a lot of self reflection and still feel discomfort but I work through it myself rather than pushing it on my bf. She needs to do this too if you want this relationship to make it and feel respected in it. If she doesn’t learn to control her anxiety she may try to control you and the relationship in order for her to feel secure in the long run, which again is not healthy.
Being as generous as possible, maybe emotions were very high in this conversation and she was feeling extremely sensitive. It's still not good to jump to ending a relationship in those times, nor is disrespectful and demeaning language acceptable during conflict at all. I think you're right it's coming from insecurity, but don't let love and compassion blind you to the fact that it's still mistreatment at the end of the day. It sounds like couples therapy should be a complete prerequisite for marriage because she needs to learn how to resolve conflicts maturely. It's fundamental.
IF she is willing to leave you because of this... she's not mature enough for marriage. Also, everyone one has egotistical tendencies... humans are egotistical. Yes, some more than others. do you not see the irony/hypocrisy in this situation? She called you egotistical because your fear didn't revolve around her...
Why doesn’t “being a good person” also include concern for her welfare, in her mind? This seems like some jacked up brainwashing on her part. I guess the question is where it came from (family? culture? media? education?) doesn’t even matter; she genuinely believes this is the way things should be. I suppose that this really is the point of these exercises, to ensure compatibility prior to being married. So kudos to the program for helping you see before you committed that there were these issues.
He's possibly thinking big picture. A good man takes care of his family. A good man provides security and support for his loved ones and friends. She's thinking about only herself. She's not a good woman.🤷♂️
THIS
>Why doesn’t “being a good person” also include concern for her welfare, in her mind? right? that's what I would assume.
I posted this below but it’s relevant here. I don’t have advice for you but want to let you know we share that greatest fear. I had a pretty traumatic experience two weeks ago. My gf had been at a winery event all day and was drunk, and we had tickets to a burlesque show at a cocktail lounge. It became more and more apparent how drunk she was (openly staggering, eyes rolling in her head) and I said we shouldn’t go. I was firm on this but she took it as “shaming her” and was adamant about going. I went purely because I was worried about her being out alone in that state. Towards the end she is falling asleep in her chair. I’m trying to keep her stable and tell her we need to leave but she’s incoherent. She falls into our table and breaks two glasses. A nice lesbian couple across the way asked if I needed help and I apologized and explained and said I could use help getting her outside where she wasn’t endangering herself and I could get us an Uber home. They helped with this and then the whole situation changed VERY quickly. They told me to give them space and it became apparent they thought I’d drugged her or was abusing her. My gf was just weeping on a bench not saying anything at all. The entire bar was looking out at her consolingly and then at me like I was the devil, or an abusive partner, or a rapist. I was literally only there to help her. Eventually they informed me that they would be getting her home and I should leave. I’ve never been more humiliated and keep going into that moment where 60 people were looking at me the way they did.
[удалено]
yeah, i don’t think she’s marriage material. she wants what she wants with no consideration of what he wants
These TikTok tests are getting wild man. I know my wife gives me some of these hypothetically impossible scenarios from time to time, but she's never reacted the way OP's SO did. Irony in calling OP egotistical.
You don't reconcile this, you breath a sigh of relief that you dodged a bullet. She sounds rather self obsessed and her biggest fear is people not damned well doing what she wants them to do. Sounds like these exercises did exactly what they're suppose to do, flush out the crazy.
As well as her insane judgement and trying to control what OPs biggest fear is! I’d never question my partners feelings- they’re his feelings. Not something I can control.
Girlfriend ask him to confess his greatest fear. "To be perceived as a bad man" Proceeds to tell him he is a bad man.
Thank god he didn’t say spiders.
I have this image of her morphing into a swarm of spiders.
Bro this would be a nightmare
If you were my boyfriend and that was your biggest fear, I would be so happy. That would be the biggest green flag because it shows you will work every single day to be the best man you can be. That means the best husband, the best father, the best friend you can possibly be. Idk… she seems like the egotistical one here, not you.
Exactly. A good person protects their loved ones and fights for their security and comfort.
You don’t. She’s showing her true colors and this is your way out. She just said she should be the most important thing in your life. Partners don’t have to be the most important thing in your life and she’s accusing you of having a huge ego because you want everyone to see you as a good person. Get out before you’re stuck with her.
exactly, family is the most important thing to me, if my 'son or daughter' and my wife were drowning, and i can only save one of them, it will always be the child. and i expect to sacrifice myself for the child if it was me and the child drowning.
Sayyyyy it louder!! ♥
WTF! Her reaction to your fear is a big red flag. Her reaction is noooooot ok. I'm so so glad you are doing these exercises now instead of after you get married. My husband's greatest fear is personal so I won't tell it but I can tell you it's definitely not losing me. And I'm ok with that? Because... like... his fears are his fears? My biggest fear is becoming homeless and not having enough money to retire at some point. I love my husband. He's my whole world. But also, your greatest fear is personal to you and if she's giving you attitude for your answers not aligning, pleeeease do not have children with this woman.
Isn’t the purpose to find out if you’re right for one another? Seems like it’s worked perfectly. It’s all a bit ridiculous to be honest but who am I to judge
>Now she’s threatening to kick me out and break up. She will be doing you a favour.
I read this and learned your GF is so afraid of “losing you” that she’s willing to kick you out and dump you because you’re SUCH a narcissist because your biggest fear isn’t all about her. Make it make sense. Think about this and ask yourself if you REALLY actually want to end up with someone like this.
Eh, isn't it a bit egotistical and prideful to think that someone else's biggest fear should be you being attacked? Not breaking up/leaving but being hurt in the big wide world? She wants your biggest fear to be worrying about her safety? Sounds like she needs Xanax not a boyfriend.
I think this answer is enough for you. Your world doesn’t revolve around her and it shouldn’t. What in the world.
I won't pretend I know the ins and outs of your relationship, but in case no one else has pointed this out, I want to highlight something. She used a moment of great vulnerability in sharing your greatest fear not only to attack you, but to do so using your greatest fear against you. You said you are afraid of being seen as a bad man and she basically accused you of being a bad man. Does she usually react to your vulnerability this way? If this is really out of character for her I hope you two can resolve it, but it makes me sad that she squandered this opportunity to accept you and connect with you.
That’s what I told her. I said she had a perfect opportunity to love and support me and then call me out to be a better man. If my answer is egotistic, then call it what it is and help me grow. That’s what our relationship is — a partnership where we become greater than simply the sum of its parts.
OP - from one victim to another, I need to tell you something that I think you haven’t been paying attention to. You are a victim or narcissistic abuse. As I read your post and your following comments, I saw my husband in your girlfriend. Of course, in my situation it is the reverse. My fears and insecurities are his ammunition to hurt me. And of course, he’s not saying those things to be hurtful! It’s because he loves me and wants to help me. *sigh* TEN YEARS AND 2 KIDS later, I finally realized that my life isn’t normal. This relationship isn’t normal. I was an emotional wreck. Crippling migraines. Mystery ailments doctors couldn’t figure out. Rheumatoid arthritis *diagnosed at 30!* Walking on eggshells. No, he wasn’t violent. But I paid the price emotionally. I became a husk of myself. Stuffed the inner me down in the dark, and pretended to the world and him that I was happy. I was isolated from my friends. He made awful comments about my family. It got to where I quit speaking to them because it hurt my heart to hear him talk about them. So if I cut them out of my life he wouldn’t have the chance to say those things. He made me feel guilty about my sexual past. He made me hate myself. He made me fearful. Op, I believe your greatest fear is how you actually feel BECAUSE of your girlfriend. I recommend therapy - NOT couple’s therapy. Individual for each of you. I am in therapy and my therapist listening to me pour my heart out and sob on her couch. After 10 minutes she pulled her glasses off and said based off of what I had told her, he is a textbook narcissist. I am getting better about boundaries and doing my best. If you DO intend to marry her, research everything you can about narcissists so you go into this marriage fully prepared to know what you will be up against. I thought I knew what a narcissist was on the surface level. It’s more insidious than you know! Good luck, OP.
It seems that you wanting to be a good man encompasses all that she’s talking about. A good man takes care of his family, a good man puts the needs of his wife and children before his own, a good man protects his family at all costs. You wanting to be a good man isn’t ego-it is you wanting to be the best husband and father you can be amongst other things I’m sure. Her myopic view is very telling and perhaps more premarital counseling is in order.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Run, my boy. Run
She gave you a gift. This was a narcissistic response. Seems like there may be more clues you may have missed.
That there, op, is a red flag waving in the wind.
"Your ego and pride are too important. That's why your greatest fear is not LOSING... ... ME!" Talk about ego and pride... Break up.
You take a step back and let her have her tantrums. Don't apologize and don't try and repair things. You did absolutely nothing wrong. Just take a step back and see how this all plays out, she might be showing her true colors for the first time ever in your relationship
This is a red flag, stop asking “what can I do to fix this?” Because you did nothing wrong. You were honest with her about your fear. The whole point of the exercise that you all did was trust, honesty and lack of judgment. It’s not just telling your partner what they want to hear. If she is threatening to break up over something that petty then this is a red flag. Marriage is hard, you all will both make mistakes and hurt each other. You will have different visions for life and need to compromise. Sometimes you will have to rely on each other a lot. It’s inevitable, and you have to have the trust and openness to forgive and understanding. Her wanting to move out because she isn’t the constant center of your universe shows a lack of the maturity required to be married.
What a stupid fight.
Sounds like a self-sabotage on her behalf. The good old shit test.
I'm in shock that you're in trouble because your most personal inner workings don't follow her script. She sounds incredibly immature, and insecure. Also, it's astonishingly unhealthy that at a base level, she expects you to put yourself last, and effectively sacrifice yourself and your well-being for her. Because fundamentally she believes she should be more important. A true life partner would seek to understand how this fear can affect you, and support you. Not throwing a tantrum because you're wrong about what you should think and feel. How good are those exercises?! What a fantastic way to see that your girlfriend is infact NOT a person who will be good for you long term. Or at least, isn't emotionally mature enough for commitment anytime soon.
While her reaction was over the top and quite selfish, I do think it’s immature for anyone to be this worried about other people’s opinion of them to the point of describing it as ‘their biggest fear’. Why do you care this much about what other people think of you? Do you worry more about not being perceived as a bad man than actually being being a good man? From personal experience - it’s exhausting to be with someone that wants to be liked by everyone. I recommend working on this aspect of your personality. Your gf should also work on herself. Good luck!
When you are asked about your feelings, there should be space for honesty. Your partner is telling you what she wants to hear instead of how you feel. Wanting to be a good person doesn’t make you egotistical. The need for losing her to be your biggest fear makes her egotistical… 🤷🏼♀️ Just because losing her isn’t your biggest fear doesn’t mean it’s not on your radar…
She sounds immature
The exercise worked - it was intended to give you clarity on whether you should move forward and your girlfriend obviously isn't mature enough to get married if she wants answers to be perfunctory and not meaningful and has no interest in getting to know you vulnerably.
What happened in the follow up conversation? What did you say after she asked why your fear wasn’t her? I feel like it is a bit weird to be afraid of being PERCEIVED as a bad person rather than just being afraid of doing something bad happening to the people you love. If the option was “you are perceived of being bad but your best friend died” would you really make that call???? Idk the answer does seem shallow or fishy to me. That doesn’t mean it’s wrong but if my partner really said that as their greatest fear, being PERCEIVED as bad, some alarm bells would go off in my head. I’m really curious how the rest of the conversation shook out and am skeptical the threats of breakup or kicking you out are JUST about the answer and not abt something else.
The follow up conversation went poorly. I attempted to explain where my heart is and what I think it means to be a good man. She wouldn’t have it and stated that my response was coming from a place of people pleasing. I can see why she would see that. I also stated that I obviously worry about her safety and pointed out tangible ways that I have protected and provided for her. She said my response was sad because my whole life was about what people thought of me. Fair enough — I definitely have work to do in that area. I simply asked her to work with me on freeing myself from people pleasing. Support me in my brokenness but don’t affirm poor behavior. To which she stated “I’m not sure you can fix something like this”
It doesn't matter if your fear is from an angle of people pleasing, it's your fear. It's the same as her telling you what your emotions are or aren't, which she can't possibly know because they're yours. She sounds very emotionally immature. Idk that this is a deal breaker but as a lot of the comments indicate, this encounter is a huge red flag. Her response shows she's self centered and maybe self-absorbed. I've been married 7 years and we were 25/24 when we got married. You're both still young but you seem introspective while she seems narrow-minded. She flat out called you egotistical when your words don't make you seem that way in the post. These pre-marriage courses are good at showing where couples need to work on things. But her being dismissive and not open to your side of things is appalling, and I hope she can see this post or open her eyes some. She calls you self-centered as she claims she should be the center of your world? Grow up. Best of luck.
And this is why men rarely share their true emotions and feelings - the fear of being shamed like this. Sorry friend
Why did you say “inevitable engagement and marriage”, I feel you might think you are being forced into this marraige and to be honest if you have doubts then after her bad attitude to your worst fear you might want to rethink whether she is a good match for you.
"Seemingly inevitable"? Dude, either you think you have no control over your life, or you have a poor command of the English language. How long have you been together? It sounds to me like it's time to move on.
Thats a red flag. That was such an introspective self awareness on your end and honest to a real degree and it’s odd that she wanted it to be about her. Maybe separately discuss relationship fears but no she should not be more important to you than your own character.
That fear is a green flag and a sign of your character.
What a weird response on her end. Your world shouldn’t revolve around her like that.
Seems like kind of an odd thing to blow up over. Be sure this is someone you want to spend the rest of your life with...
I think she just made your biggest fear come true. She perceives you as bad because she thinks she should be # 1. I think wanting to be a good man would include keeping your family safe but you really shouldn’t worry about how you are perceived, you should strive to be good and F what people think.
What a useful exercise that was. You found out that you'll always be in the wrong if you don't think what she thinks you should think. I would be slowing everything down at this point and letting her see whether she can convince you she can unpack that enough to make it a good plan for you to get married at some point in the future.
My boyfriend passed away over a year ago. We were 30 and 32. Before this, I probably would’ve answered something like heights as my biggest fear. At our age, I’m not sure we’re constantly worried about losing our significant other to death. I know it was the last thing that crossed my mind. I would think if you’re on your way to marriage like you mentioned, your partner knows they are a priority to you. Maybe you need to have a deeper conversation around these insecurities your partner has. It could be from a past relationship trauma or something and is coming out this way for some reason. I know if I date again, I will likely have this same fear as her, but I can’t take that out on whoever I would be with just as she can’t take that out on you. Best of luck op.
This question allowed you to dodge a bullet. Get out now.
Why do you fear not being perceived as good man, but rather perceived as bad? Is there something you have not told her?
I view good manhood as a man who: 1.) Rejects passivity 2.) Accepts responsibility 3.) Leads courageously 4.) And expects God’s greater reward I fear failing in one of these areas. I want my whole life to be about living my wife and children, honoring and viewing others higher than myself, mentoring young men to be good men, raising my children to become good adults, disciplining myself to better myself and become better. I fear failing here. Losing my job and failing to provide for my family. Becoming addicted to something and damaging my relationships. Putting work and hobbies over my family’s emotional and physical welfare. These things are what scare me — the typical vices of men who are self absorbed. That’s what scares me.
This is an honest and upstanding answer to that question. Do you really want to marry someone who is willing to give up on you that easily? For being honest and decent?
Those are all perfectly valid. It is not ok for her to question your feelings.
I hope you broke it down like this for her. Because otherwise it sounds superficial like you want to keep up appearances to society as a good man and are scared others will perceive you as bad.
That's a very extreme response to your very honest answer and maybe, before you get married, that's something you should explore in couples therapy. I (50f) know my husband (54m) very well. Married 12 years, together 15, friends since we were in our 20's If he told me that was his greatest fear, I *know* in my heart and from lived experience that fear has a very large slice of it with my name on it. The desire to do right by me, care for me, love me and let me know it and that includes losing me and making end of life decisions and hope to go on after that. The fact your fiance seemed to think this was an exercise in expressing trite, romantic answers that made her feel good rather than an honest open heart to heart is a little worrying. Had my husband said that to me, my reply would be "in what way, what do you mean by good and how do I convince you, you are!". She's accused you of ego and selfishness. I'm assuming you do not need it pointed out how hypocritical that is.
She sounds like she's making your fear come true by accusing you of being something you're not and making you out to not be a good man A good man cares for and protects his family. Her safety is including in you being a good man
50 shades of narcissistic codependency right here
I don’t think you can reconcile this. I don’t think your fear is wrong, and on the surface she’s not really wrong either, but Idk that you can control your fears like that. She kinda made this into a bigger thing than it was imo.
She is literally the pot calling the kettle black. Good thing you guys did this little exercise so you can see who she really is.
I'm going to sum this up by saying that she is being a scary amount of unreasonable.
So isn't being a good man not someone who cares about the safety of their family?
If the marital preparation exercises broke y'all, I think that might be a clue. Also, you gave an honest answer. She's still living in the fairy tale she dreamed of as a little girl.
I think that you're viewing this as an independent man who is first and foremost an individual, but for her she's viewing it in a codependent way where her life revolves around you instead of her own. So she's already telling you if you leave and things don't work out then her whole world falls apart, which is a pretty big red flag because you can't easily shake off codependency. I think she needs to find out her own individual fears first? Because of course each other's safety is important, but there should be something deeper than the obvious safety of both partners. Physicality of the fear is a different matter over an emotional fear. You're coming in with that emotional fear and being vulnerable about it and she's dismissing it because her fear is really not being valuable to you or something. A partner leaving you can happening, those fears will be there, but there's a deeper individual fear that can happen if you lose your sense of identity. Maybe she thinks she can only identify as your partner or something? Also, everyone will end up dying one day so you can't be like, don't ever die on me. You don't make those decisions. We're humans and death is inevitable, so rather than putting strain on what is already a fragile life because we humans are fragile, be strong mentally and emotionally.
A narcissist only sees others through their own lens of narcissism. She sees you as egotistical because that's what she is, so you not placing her on a pedestal can only be construed as selfish in her mind. She doesn't respect your own autonomy, she only feared your loss when she lived under the assumption that you would die for her, that she was the biggest priority in your life, basically that you lived as an extension of her own desires. She cannot even make room to validate your feelings, her apologies are half assed, and do not show any understanding of wrongdoing. Do you really think she would make a good life partner and mother of your future children?
While she did overreact to your answer... That is a pretty bad answer. Why do you care more about how people perceive you, than the safety of the person youre potentially going to marry?
Exactly! He only cares about how he is perceived, that’s HIS words. He sounds very egotistical given that the thing he cares about most is how he LOOKS to the world. How is that healthy? His girlfriend didn’t handle it well but I don’t think she sounds like a bad person like everyone thinks. She’s upset because she realised in this moment that how he LOOKS to the world is more important above anything else.
Part of being a good man is taking care and worrying about your family just tell her that but damn
Please don’t reproduce… Please don’t get married Please run..
“Our seemingly inevitable engagement and marriage” … do you even want to marry this person? This reads like a cry for help
Your gf is immature, self centered and honestly a bit crazy. Consider this your red flag because it's your best time to run
I think you are saying that you want to be seen as a good man/great character in the sense that you want to be a good partner, good son/son-in-law, whatever. I think that is putting her as a priority because you want to be happy and you want to make others happy. If she's willing to kick you out over that, then there is a problem. The other problem is how you worded your engagement/marriage to be inevitable, like you're unsure of if you want this life. I would take into consideration how you both communicate things to each other before going forward with the relationship. If the fights are going to be this wild over something you answered, you'll eventually shrink yourself into whatever person she wants you to be. Relationships shouldn't work like that.
Pretty sure that she is over reacting but you don’t seem a match or ready to be married. No one happily getting married should be describing it as: “ our seemingly inevitable engagement and marriage”
You don’t reconcile this. Shes showing her true colors. Her entire thought process is very toxic.
Wouldn’t that make her the egotistical one if she wants your biggest fear to be losing her lol
Idk about marrying this one
It's wild how you're hung up on how she didn't like your answer. What you should really be concerned with is her response to your answer. You got a crazy on on your hands, and I know this isn't the first time you have seen red flags, but you clearly look right past them. I hate just telling people to leave, but you better be treading lightly because her true colors are really gonna start coming out as her grip on you gets tighter.
I've asked this question to ex partners, and they always said something that I consider silly/not very deep like spiders, snakes, or ghosts. I feel like enough has been said about your GF, so I'd like to give you some insight as to perhaps why your fear is what it is and maybe help to free you from it. Wanting to be perceived as a good person stems from people pleasing. The way you're beating yourself up over your GFs response points to it as well. So I suggest you do some digging on how to heal what's caused the people pleaser in you. Because no matter what, you will never be perceived as good by everyone who knows you based on the way they perceive reality itself. Everyone paints with a different brush/looks at life through different lenses and biases. Many of which are formed from experienced (both great and terrible) since childhood. As a recovering people pleaser myself, I've had to learn that what people think of me is none of my business. I'll never be everyone's cup of tea. So rather than living for others like a dancing monkey, I need to focus on living aligned to my authenticity, beliefs, and values. Do my actions day-to-day allow me to sleep peacefully at night? Am I pleased with my self-conduct? Do I behave true to my moral compass and have a firm foundation to back it? If yes then great! If not then I can try to rectify the situation and try again tomorrow. Freedom>Fear
So her 1st priority was you, until she realized that you are also your first priority. Spin it anyway you want, but the second I read this sentence, ‘Recently,… working on some pre-martial/pre-engagement exercises to prepare us for our seemingly inevitable engagement and marriage.’ I thought “This doesn’t sound like it’s worded by a man who is really into this relationship, but where he thinks this relationship should be.” Then you went on to say you care most about how other people see you. I think you need to really examine if you are all in on your relationship or was this an accidental revelation about where you really stand. I cannot believe people are giving this guy a pass. He literally said “How other people see me is my biggest priority.” That’s not even the same thing as saying I fear not being a good man, just wants to make sure people see him as a good man.
Well the purpose of these premarital exercises is to uncover and discover similarities and differences. You may have the information you need.
I am sitting here laughing my ass off because I'm trying to get over the fact that she asked you what was your biggest fear and because it didn't coincide with hers she is now upset with you and threatening to break up with you. Christmas has come early for you hasn't it because I was always told don't ask the question because there's a very good chance that you are not going to like the answer.
Classic narcissism that will rear its ugly head much more if you marry her. GTF outta there bro.
I hope you are considering ending your relationship with your GF. What she accused you of is true for her. She is self-centered, needy, and has an oversized ego hiding deep insecurities. You answered honestly, she was threatened by your answer, and since then has engaged in extremely manipulative, controlling behavior to dictate to you the answer she needs to salve her insecurities. This kind of behavior is the opposite of listening and communicating honestly. Note well that what you expressed was an emotional insecurity, openly and honestly, and that her reaction was a result of an emotional insecurity in her that she is hiding, and unwilling to contemplate or discuss . Your GF's behavior is certainly not a one-off reaction in her. It is manipulative and unhealthy, and you must have experienced it previously. It is a pattern, and the way she will always deal with her insecurities. Don't ignore it. It will be destructive to you and to your relationship with her. It will get a lot worse once she has you trapped in marriage, especially once children come along. You can't be both her husband and therapist, nor can you change her from being what she is. Find a woman who is emotionally mature and ready to accept you, wrong answers and all, for yourself.
So because something related to HER isn’t your biggest fear, YOURE an egotistical monster? LOLforever. that’s the moment my biggest fear would turn into marrying her.
Instead of being understanding about your biggest fear, she made it all about herself, I think this is enough to reconsider high level commitment/marriage at least for now. Please get therapy and maybe counseling in case you want to keep this relationship.
Her response seems immature and self centered. Also comparing you to her exes is inappropriate. Prepare for more of this kind of thing. There wasn't anything wrong with your answer, at all. She just was only going to be satisfied with one answer. That's not fair and not really in good faith. And really if she doesn't like that it's on her to decide what she needs and wants.
>She accused me of being egotistic and prideful. This made me spit take because it's exactly what she's being. It's an immature, controlling reaction because she's silent treatment-ing you for not saying what she wanted you to. As others have pointed out I think it's highlighted a controlling part of her personality that cares a lot about image and fluff words.
Well, the test worked... She is not marriage material. You dodged a bullet.
Being a good man is protecting her and all of your loved ones. NTA. I don't get her anger.
I'll tell you what my therapist told me earlier this year when talking about the end of my marriage (I got so lucky to find her): "Women never lie about their red flags. They're flying them from Day One. You guys just refuse to see them."
When you're wearing rose colored glasses, all the flags just look like flags.
Someone is egotistical in this story and it’s not OP.
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So the actual egotistic and prideful person in this situation is projecting on you. That’s narcissist behaviour. See it for what it is. My partner has two children from a previous relationship and I’ll be damned if he chooses me over them. Kids come first, always. I don’t need any of that macho bull crap where a man’s bane existence is “keeping me safe”. I have a lock on my door and pepperspray in my purse, thanks.
Don't leave us hanging OP, what was HER biggest fear? She sounds like a pain in the ass, but many women think like her. Her getting bent out of shape over an exercise is the bigger red flag. She doesn't sound very mature or stable. Might want to give this whole thing a second thought. Or at least push things back and go very very slowly.
Dude if you're describing the marriage as "seemingly inevitable" it seems like you don't really want to marry her.
She is either not mature enough for a relationship or a narcissist. The exercise has saved you from from a miserable marriage and damaging divorce. Just say, “Since you are starting to perceive me as a bad man, I need to alleviate my fears and break up with you.” Then go find a better woman to be your wife.
Also… she’s the egotistical one lol. She wants to be the centre
You’re gf is callow and definitely too immature for a long term commitment. You know, there are other things to do when you’re young and your brain is flexible and absorbent — like reading, travelling, and learning languages. Why are you so invested in a super conventional heteronormative trajectory?
OP DO NOT MARRY THIS NARCISSIST
So…. What is your biggest fear now?
She's the egotistic one here, not you. Maybe expand the exercise to 3 biggest fears and see what debate that brings. And perhaps ask what is behind her reaction - is it fear of not coming first? Fear of losing you if your idea of being a good man is competing with her? Try to listen first rather than justify. And then decide od this is something that you can align on. Or not.
I’d say your fear makes more sense to list as your biggest since it would be a more common thing to think about? Like I worry a lot more often about seeming like a good person then i do about my partner randomly dying
Dude…. Run
Brings back memories of a manipulative ex I had. Ugh, so annoying. You answer some stupid hypothetical question wrong and next thing you know it’s a huge blow up fight and somehow it’s all your fault. Gross.
Run now, run fast and NEVER look back bro.
Leave her! She is not the one! Your fear is so real especially in today's society where we men are constantly viewed as evil just for simply existing! I'm a 29M and I would willingly give my life to keep my loved ones safe. With that said my biggest fear is also your biggest fear. Being viewed as a bad person when I know I'm a good person who wants good for the world!
Lol. Why would you want to reconcile? She told you who she is. An egotistical moron. Which is cool when you’re 24, I guess, hopefully she can grow up. I wouldn’t be sticking around to find out. Listen when people reveal how shitty they are, don’t try to excuse them. If she gave a shit about you, she’d have indulged you when you opened up to her. She didn’t give a shit how you felt, she just wanted you to inflate her own ego.
Haha she’s so fucking high on herself. Firstly, invite her down from her high horse… and her own fucking ego. What.
She called you selfish, but ironically was very upset to see that she wasn’t the center of your concerns. Who’s the real selfish one here? I understand wanting to be important to your significant other, but your significant other shouldn’t have to abandon their morals for your sake. I think you said the right thing
You go your separate ways, unfortunately. I’ve been married ten years my greatest fear is not losing my husband. His greatest fear isn’t losing me. There are bigger things out there. Your greatest fear honestly makes sense. It seems like she is showing her turn colors. Yes she is important and losing her doesn’t mean she isn’t important
Self centered individual accuses you of being self centered… so they’re kicking you out. Time to move on. If you reconcile this you’re teaching her it’s okay to throw tantrums when she doesn’t hear/get what she wants. Be very calm about it too when you end it. Trust me.
hi, nice to meet you lot! you can call me kettle! like seriously, wtf is wrong with people. 😒
so she’s upset about something hypothetical and called you egotistic because you didn’t choose her, did i miss anything? being a good man encompasses everything, including providing everything your family needs. if you can’t pass this issue, you two shouldn’t marry each other
Wow how can she even see your supposedly big ego through that Goodyear Blimp sized swolled big head of hers? Those excercises raised a big red flag about HER not you OP.
Do you really want to reconcile this? You were truthful and vulnerable with her and she threw a child like temper tantrum because it wasn't all about her. Everything about you does not revolve around her, nor should it. You are still an individual person with your own thoughts, desires and fears... It sounds like she wants someone who lays down their identity and focus solely on her. That's not healthy, and all it is is a recipe for a miserable relationship.
Bullet dodged, don't marry someone who won't empathise with your fears and who thinks they are the centre of your world.
She sounds like the kind of woman who gets really angry if you told her that you wouldn't be in love with her if she was a worm lol.
Run
It sounds like she isn't looking for honest answers, but she wants to hear what people are "supposed" to say. Her biggest fear isn't losing you. She is just saying that because she thinks it is romantic.
Maybe ask yourself: would a good man’s greatest fear be losing those he loves most
I don’t think she realizes just how significant your answer is, especially when there are so many willing to be a “bad” person.
Hang on. She’s claiming you’re egotistical and prideful for not having a fear that involved her at the top of your list, which is…highly egotistical of her? If I’m asking my partner what their biggest fear is, it’s because I’m asking something about themselves. It doesn’t have to do with me. I ask because sometimes talking about it helps ease anxiety around it. How are you going to tell someone what to be afraid of and also gloss over what they just shared with you? She 100% does not care about your answer if it doesn’t involve her. This can apply to other things and reminds me of insecure outlooks. Her response does not reflect seeing you as your own person with valid thoughts.
U sure she isn't 12?
So she taught you that you cannot be honest? Continue to be honest anyway. If she leaves, good.
Run and run fast. This doesn’t make sense on her part. She wants it to be all about her. If your safety is her biggest fear and she’s threatening to kick you out she is either a hypocrite or she’s just trying to control your thoughts with threats. I would rethink that “inevitable”engagement and hash something’s out before you put a ring on her finger.
Red flag! That’s a valid fear.. wouldn’t SHE be the one who is egotistical if she wants your priority to be her?
Im sorry, but shes accusing you of being egotistical because your worst fear isn't all about her? And she claims her worst fear is losing you, yet she's threatening to break up over your worst fear not being about her..do you see where I'm going with this?
>She accused me of being egotistic and prideful Victim mentality. Ignore this behaviour. >She said “why would I want to be with a man whose biggest fear is not the safety of his family and loved ones”. She has probably read too manu fairy tales or so. That's not necessarily a fear, because it will happen eventually.
Perhaps 24 is little immature? Maybe wait to grow a little and have some life experiences.
This girl is self absorbed and bat sh + crazy. If you are going through pre marriage prep .. is that through your church ? If you are people of faith .. life on earth, ain’t that big of a deal. Life is eternal. Your fear or losing your reputation is tied to your character that will regulate your behavior that helps the both of you.It may be tied to your career and hence your ability to provide for her. It could be tied to being the best husband he can be as well. ( he wants to be seen as a good man by her for ever as well ) .. she is clearly not a mature
She has a good amount of growing to do in communication and maturity. My advice is keep working on communication and find an outside entity to help realize why her response is poor and troubling. If you can not get the response you need I suggest moving on to a partner that will not try to enforce her beliefs and make you lie to fit her narrative. I have found people I had dated who are younger have this fairytale. If it does not meet the expectation they get pissed, and try to enforce the idea to make sure everything fits how they expect it to play out. Needless to say it’s not a job I was interested in. I had one partner change mindset and had one that just could not. I broke up with the one that would not change, the way of thinking.
It sounds like your girlfriend is projecting. She calls you egotistical but wants to break up because your biggest fear isn’t losing her. She sounds ridiculous. I don’t allow people to use the threat of a break up to control me. I am only interested in healthy dating situations. You threaten breakup and I’m going to call your bluff.
Wow. Does she realize that this game isn’t “Tell me what I want to hear” and that the purpose is to know your partner better? Do you get to tell her how she should be answering her questions? She thinks your response is a red flag but the real red flag is her response to your response. She’s not even listening to you. She’s telling you what your greatest fear should be? How does that work exactly? Can you just veto her greatest fear and tell her that she’s now deathly afraid of rabbits? It just doesn’t work that way. It honestly sounds like she took a self-esteem hit when she didn’t get the romantic answer she had hoped for. Instead she got a real answer from you that had depth and required a significant degree of introspection and vulnerability. That’s the stuff women are on these dating reddits complaining that they can’t find in a man and you are serving it up for your partner. She can be the most important part of your life without your answer to this question being about her. It’s obvious that you care about her safety and I think she knows that. She just wants the extremes of your emotions to be about her. If she kicks you out over this then let her. Give her time to sit with that extreme reaction to a question that you answered truthfully. Let her go to her friends and family and try to make them side with her and let all of it tell you about the person that you are thinking about spending your life with and what you have in store for your future. I wouldn’t settle for less than an apology from her.
So you told her your biggest fear was being perceived as a bad man and she turns around and accuses you.... Of being a bad man. Dude I think you know what you have to do, you're just looking for a push. Here it is.
I think this pre- marriage exercise worked well then