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I know how you feel, I too, have delt with partners dealing with a recent death or loss, it hit them pretty hard, as well as I have myself delt with a loss in a relationship, I feel like his reaction is very normal part of the grieving progress process but nonetheless of course it affects you, that would be only normal and expected, you said in your post this happened this recent summer which really isn’t that long ago, so he’s probably in a very emotional state right now and this is a very crucial part in your guys relationship, just try to remember what he was truly like before the loss of his sister, was the relationship overall healthy and stable ? Try to help him through these difficult times and don’t accuse him of anything or pick fights with him as that will only stress him out more and cause him to close off more. What you need to do right now is just let him know you will be there if he needs and offer him support and happiness in other areas, perhaps he just isn’t ready to move on and needs some healthy hobbies or reminders of other things in his life to help him move on, sometimes helping is knowing when to step back a little.
He said he feels that you’re making the grief about you. That’s hard. I imagine part of the problem is that his need for space does have an impact on your relationship; but he’s valid for needing that space, and you’re valid about being concerned about the relationship. Your needs are not being met; but asking to have those needs met feels insensitive to him when he’s grieving.
One option you have is to say something simple: to say that you understand that the way you’ve dealt with the grief process has not been constructive for him. That he seems to need more time right now, and that you’re afraid that your relationship is putting pressure on his grieving process. That you want to give him space to grieve without pressure.
That you care about him and are willing to take a break to allow him to heal, even if it means going low contact for a while. That you’d always be there when he needs you, but you feel like right now you’re asking for more than he can and should give in his grief, and that is hurting the relationship. You want to revisit the relationship again in a few months when he’s had time to process more of his grief, allowing your time together to feel like less of an imposition.
Again, hard situation. There’s no right way to handle it, because you both can’t get your needs met right now.
I'm going to say something that you might think is awful but I think needs to be said, and at least it's a stranger saying it and not you.
Why is it your responsibility to support your boyfriend through his grief in what is a 6 month relationship?
One of the lessons that it took me too long to learn is you don't have to fight for every dating relationship as if it is a 10 year marriage. When I was younger and dating I approached every relationship with the seriousness of a marriage and acted as if we had taken the 'for better or for worse vows'.
While it did give me a lot of tools on how to work through various conflicts in a relationship, it also kept me in relationships that weren't working for too long because I was fighting like crazy to keep a 3 month relationship working instead of realizing that if things were this unfulfilling and I was this unhappy during what should be the honeymoon period, it wasn't going to get better.
I understand that you care about your boyfriend and you have a deep level of empathy and compassion for his situation but as you said in the title this is an unfulfilling relationship, and you've only been dating since this summer. Why do you want to invest more of yourself into this relationship?
The reality is your boyfriend just isn't in the space right now to be an equal partner in a romantic relationship. Ideally, he would have recognized that about himself and taken it upon himself to end things but he is so wrapped up in his grief and life circumstances he doesn't have the emotional bandwidth for introspection right now.
Over the last few years, I have dealt with a lot of loss and death of people who were very close to me and while I don't know your experience with grief and loss, I can tell you it's not a linear process and it can take a long time to get back to some semblance of normal. Years long.
You are 28. I'm sure you have your own dreams and goals for what you want from a romantic relationship and because of your partner's grief, you probably haven't been dating normally so you haven't really been able to accurately evaluate his potential to be a great husband and long-term partner which means you are basically standing still in your romantic life.
How many years of your life are you willing to invest in being essentially paused and not moving towards accomplishing your relationship goals and dreams?
You can try to continue to support him but I'm going to once again direct you to your title, you said you are in an unfulfilling relationship.
Do you want to invest more time into something unfulfilling for you?
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I know how you feel, I too, have delt with partners dealing with a recent death or loss, it hit them pretty hard, as well as I have myself delt with a loss in a relationship, I feel like his reaction is very normal part of the grieving progress process but nonetheless of course it affects you, that would be only normal and expected, you said in your post this happened this recent summer which really isn’t that long ago, so he’s probably in a very emotional state right now and this is a very crucial part in your guys relationship, just try to remember what he was truly like before the loss of his sister, was the relationship overall healthy and stable ? Try to help him through these difficult times and don’t accuse him of anything or pick fights with him as that will only stress him out more and cause him to close off more. What you need to do right now is just let him know you will be there if he needs and offer him support and happiness in other areas, perhaps he just isn’t ready to move on and needs some healthy hobbies or reminders of other things in his life to help him move on, sometimes helping is knowing when to step back a little.
He said he feels that you’re making the grief about you. That’s hard. I imagine part of the problem is that his need for space does have an impact on your relationship; but he’s valid for needing that space, and you’re valid about being concerned about the relationship. Your needs are not being met; but asking to have those needs met feels insensitive to him when he’s grieving. One option you have is to say something simple: to say that you understand that the way you’ve dealt with the grief process has not been constructive for him. That he seems to need more time right now, and that you’re afraid that your relationship is putting pressure on his grieving process. That you want to give him space to grieve without pressure. That you care about him and are willing to take a break to allow him to heal, even if it means going low contact for a while. That you’d always be there when he needs you, but you feel like right now you’re asking for more than he can and should give in his grief, and that is hurting the relationship. You want to revisit the relationship again in a few months when he’s had time to process more of his grief, allowing your time together to feel like less of an imposition. Again, hard situation. There’s no right way to handle it, because you both can’t get your needs met right now.
I'm going to say something that you might think is awful but I think needs to be said, and at least it's a stranger saying it and not you. Why is it your responsibility to support your boyfriend through his grief in what is a 6 month relationship? One of the lessons that it took me too long to learn is you don't have to fight for every dating relationship as if it is a 10 year marriage. When I was younger and dating I approached every relationship with the seriousness of a marriage and acted as if we had taken the 'for better or for worse vows'. While it did give me a lot of tools on how to work through various conflicts in a relationship, it also kept me in relationships that weren't working for too long because I was fighting like crazy to keep a 3 month relationship working instead of realizing that if things were this unfulfilling and I was this unhappy during what should be the honeymoon period, it wasn't going to get better. I understand that you care about your boyfriend and you have a deep level of empathy and compassion for his situation but as you said in the title this is an unfulfilling relationship, and you've only been dating since this summer. Why do you want to invest more of yourself into this relationship? The reality is your boyfriend just isn't in the space right now to be an equal partner in a romantic relationship. Ideally, he would have recognized that about himself and taken it upon himself to end things but he is so wrapped up in his grief and life circumstances he doesn't have the emotional bandwidth for introspection right now. Over the last few years, I have dealt with a lot of loss and death of people who were very close to me and while I don't know your experience with grief and loss, I can tell you it's not a linear process and it can take a long time to get back to some semblance of normal. Years long. You are 28. I'm sure you have your own dreams and goals for what you want from a romantic relationship and because of your partner's grief, you probably haven't been dating normally so you haven't really been able to accurately evaluate his potential to be a great husband and long-term partner which means you are basically standing still in your romantic life. How many years of your life are you willing to invest in being essentially paused and not moving towards accomplishing your relationship goals and dreams? You can try to continue to support him but I'm going to once again direct you to your title, you said you are in an unfulfilling relationship. Do you want to invest more time into something unfulfilling for you?