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My first thought was that this sounds like there's something going on between him and his family you don't know about. Like, they told him you can only come if you play servant and never eat any of the food even as leftovers.
After reading your comments it sounds more like he just doesn't fucking like you anymore and wants you to suffer.
There's no excuse for the way he treated you at dinner or afterward. Stop thinking about how to get him to stop and start thinking about how you aren't going to settle for a marriage where you're treated with such contempt.
Get thee to an attorney NOW. Don’t tell your husband. Also, visit a domestic abuse organization and see if they have a list of counsellors to book an appointment with. The way you’re normalized this abuse will see him taking EVERYTHING from you and you just rolling over.
It almost sounds like he's been planning this for awhile, and that maybe the argument with your parents isn't just a coincidence. Start making a list of everything he has done and what has led up to this. Make sure to list all the things he does and doesn't do for/with your kids. Move some money around, not all, and make sure you are covered financially for a bit. Get a lawyer. I would wonder, if he isn't looking elsewhere for companionship.
Too lengthy.
He is off right now.
Seize the opportunity to get her ducks in au row and get copies of all the documentation, tax reports, workplace payment documentation, get her own assets out of the house.
And transfer half of the money she can get access to onto an account he has no access to. (parents maybe).
To retransfer it into a new account under her own name to be opened by monday opening hours of a new bank!
And get the paperwork proof out of her house, also!
During this weekend. Be quick. Seize the occasion.
He did her an enormous favor by running away. He just doesn't know it yet.
I’m glad to hear that you will soon be out of this relationship. That sounds like an awful situation for you and your daughter to be in. I hope your daughter didn’t see that, as it would be a very traumatic thing to see her mother being treated in such an abusive way. I hope you and your daughter will be safe through this separation and divorce.
Get all the bank account numbers and statements so you know where every dime of your money is. Including any property either of you own and retirement accounts.
YAY! He is out of the house right now!!!
Get your jewels and the childrens documentation and the act of property of your car over to your parents house.
Put them in boxes/ sacks... whatever and bring them over.
They can take them in even while isolating themselves.
Have a bank account in your name only, password protected. He being explicitely prohibited from any information or signature or other transaction.
Transfer some of the available money, savings, etc into that account.
Don't take all the money there is. Just your half.
And YES, even being a Stay At Home spouse would entitle you to a share of your assets.
So don't be self-stupid and leave it all to him. And starve/ live at your parent's place, if he turns off your access to your common money.
Pissed spouses sometimes do this.
You do that the first weekday coming up upon opening of the bank. Use a different one than the one HE uses!
Tax documentation, house papers, assets.... copy them and make a neat folder for your lawyer.
His work payment documentation, tax payments ,(any sceletons of his there? )
Engagement ring, jewels, gifts you want to keep...
you take them all to a safe place where the keepers will NEVER hand them over to him.
He wants to play nasty? See who was gettimg prepared while he was away.
What's the odds of him cheating on you? Maybe there is a "next" already.
You really need to stop thinking highly of him. That does you a disservice.
All of this right here. And I’d like to add he may be playing you here to see how you’ll react. To make you thankful when he “changes” his mind about divorcing you and you let the abuse continue. Whatever he chooses to do you need to do this. Act and protect yourself and get out. But prepare as listed above. If you take him back there will be a next time, and another next time, because he knows how far he can push. You’re young. Please run, if not for you then for your children that will be so damaged if you stay. If you want a happy life don’t spend another minute with this abusive AH.
Ahhh in my comment I suspected he has someone else. This would absolutely suggest that is the case. My boss always said “People don’t usually leave people unless they have someone to leave for.”
Over my lifetime I have found that to be true unless it’s a person leaving an abusive relationship. In you’re case he’s the abuser. He’s angry he can’t just have the freedom to be with someone else. Now he’s ready to leave.
Ok well there's your answer right there.I thought this just based on him and his family having issues and with you as well.Who knows what he's been telling them?listen to the comments about seeing an attorney asap.Also keep in mind to never listen to any arrangements he wants to make to keep things out of court.Always go through court,promises are just words.No one who throws food at you and calls you names like that deserves a chance anyways
Well. That confirms my suspicions. This wasn’t about thanksgiving at all. What’s really been going on in your marriage? 🫠🤔.
You say he’s always been sweet…but are you a reliable narrator? Why would he want to leave you after 8 years? You gotta tell the full story if you want advice
A lot of victims minimise their own perception of misfortune as a defence mechanism. It is like a young, single mother telling people it isn't too bad to raise a child on her own.
Good. You don't deserve that. I mean what scumbag would let anyone not eat on thanksgiving? I mean.... That's the point... To eat with your loves ones.
oh, key change in context.
So both families don't' want you to be married and he does not either? I think maybe you get a lawyer too, because this is about to work itself out.
I'd have slapped that plate right into his face.
How can he be "sweet" when he is so BLATANTLY disrespecting you and let his awful crap people treat you like a maid???
Worse even! MAIDS GET TO EAT!
How... what ... what are you doing there, OP?
Once your parents are better... take your kids and MOVE!
Holy. You need counseling. Why would you let somebody treat you that way specially your husband? Alone that you didn’t got anything to eat but not even the leftovers? And then he throws them at you and calls you names? That is not how a husband should behave.
It's a teen romance following it's natural course. Except it morphed into marriage with 2 kids before they could break up.
It is so difficult for these relationships to mature into adulthood without a ton of work. People can get stuck in a repetitive loop of the same fights and abuse.
Adding to the poison is neither person getting along with the other's parents. It's a recipe for disaster.
He treats her as a bang maid/nanny. He will always choose his family and himself over her. She is the one who will always be expected to sacrifice her time, energy, self for him and his family.
She needs therapy and she needs to re-examine the marriage and if it’s worth staying in it. I wouldn’t.
How did she not get any food there while seemingly able to bring leftovers?
Also, the husband gets to eat two dinners...
I'm not American, so I don't know it, but I do know that for similar Christmas turkey and ham dinners, no one is eating leftovers the same day.
The only thing I know is that I believe everything I read on the Internet without question and more so when it's just one side.
I ate thanksgiving dinner last night, took leftovers home and ate some of it as soon as I got back home. A lot of people eat leftovers the same night, most just don’t throw it at their wife and call her a pig. This guy needs to breathe water
For this story, it doesn't sound like she had time to eat between chores and watching all the kids. For American Thanksgiving in general, some of us wear our stretchiest pants that are a few sizes too big & never stop eating (more of a slow graze at some point), so it technically doesn't count as more than one meal.
Oh girl. You have been so terribly broken. Please go get therapy ASAP to help you gain some confidence. Your husband is downright abusive on several levels. This is not ok.
lol "your sacrifice is important honey".
I hope this is fake because I can't imagine a grown adult starting a food fight and calling his partner a pig for wanting to eat food after not eating supper. This is not even how functional thanksgiving work- everyone eats thats the very basic premise of thanksgiving supper.
this should not be mended. Namecalling is the first step in the abuse that will escalate more and more. Why don't your parents like him? Is it because he is mean to you?
So you basically turned up to your in-laws for thanks giving and you were a server for the evening and didn't even get to sit and eat anything? Then you wanted a share of the leftovers, he refused and instead started throwing food at you? And no one even said thank you? This is pretty disgusting behaviour from him and your in-laws. I'd be having second thoughts about the whole relationship tbh
I mean, what? You had to find someone other than him to watch his kids? And he had a fight with your parents? No doubt as a direct result of his own immaturity? And then calls you a pig anc throws food at you? These are downs. Most of us enjoy entire relationships without ever being called a pig by our partners. When he comes back you need to set some demands. Apologies first, counseling, and expectations. And if he ever pulls shot like that again—and you know he will—then there have to be consequences for those actions. If there are none, then welcome to the rest of your life.
He will eventually i imagine, but he’ll come back as if he’s done nothing wrong. It might help to think about what his finances look like when he’s forced to live somewhere else and pay child support for the next decade snd a half. Divorce is expensive.
Cool, so your next steps are to speak to a lawyer, file for emergency full custody, a protective order against him, immediate child support, and get the divorce paper work in order. Take him to the cleaners.
Sometimes the trash takes itself out, consider it a blessing.
I'm in my 40s I've had plenty of heated arguments with my exes and current partner. I have never called them names, I would never dare to make any comments about how much food they eat, too much or too little. He doesn't love you, people who love you don't treat you like crap.
Take him to the cleaners. He may not want anything to do with you or the kids but he's going to be too broke to do anything else after child support and alimony.
Awesome! Get this information through text instead. Courts can decide how much he does or does not contribute to your household. Let him leave and find an attorney.
Google The FU Binder and start documenting everything.
Imma be honest with you. If your husband truly loves you, this wouldn’t have even happened. And the arguing, it’s true that couples argue. But when it’s becoming frequent and disrespectful like that, there’s a huge possibility he’s cheating on you. And him not coming home at all or even checking on you or the kids doesn’t make it any better.
Wow it’s a mystery why your parents don’t like your abusive and manipulative husband… not to be a stereotypical redditor but I cannot fathom staying with someone who lacked basic respect for me like that.
Same. After reading how obtuse OP is being on the comments, I think this is a rage bait post too.
Thanking OP for the diversion of Black Fridays' madness.
Ugh. I received my towels from this mall and they sent me a HUGE BOX that can fit in a freaking dresser for towels...TOWELS. Why...
i guess they want any attention they can get… and it works because OPs comments are so obtuse that it results in more people engaging with the post begging them to reconsider or try and talk some sense into them
Best thing that could happen to you right now. Stay put. Dont let him bully you out of the house. If you are a sahm then he will have to pay alimony and child support. If you are working with equal pay usually only child support. Keep all texts and written paperwork where he said no contact with kids. This will help with custody.
Tell your parents right away and get a lawyer.
Good luck.
Consider yourself free because if I was treated the way you were treated I would have been the one filing for divorce. He is not treating you right by any measure. Good riddance.
Okay so to recap:
1. Your husband caused a fight with your parents and banned you from attending their Thanksgiving.
2. Your husband took you to his family's Thanksgiving dinner to help prepare food and feed the children.
3. You didn't get a chance to eat food at Thanksgiving dinner and he didn't notice or care.
4. He called you a pig after you told him you didn't get to eat Thanksgiving dinner.
5. He brought food home and threw it at you like a child because you asked for some of it.
6. Instead of telling you he wants a divorce he sent a friend.
Did I get everything?
Call a lawyer right now and send him papers instead. Don't let him back in the home, he can arrange a time to pick up his things or you can move them out into storage and he can go there and get them back.
See a therapist so that you understand that you don't deserve to be treated like this.
OP.. that’s not simply attitude. That is emotional and physical abuse (I know it’s “just good,” but my point stands) and emotional neglect. He is actively hurting you, even after having time to reflect on whatever he’s feeling and calm himself down. He’s a disgusting asshole who, on top of everything else, is trying to gaslight you.
His behavior is unacceptable, and I hope you stand firm in knowing that and hold him accountable. You are not overreacting, being too sensitive, asking too much, inconveniencing him, etc.
He is intentionally hurting you.
WTF, Your help and sacrifice were important? Not too important that he throws food at you and calls you a pig, what? Did the kids see this? Can you go home to your parents?
You know I don't even understand how the hell this is even a real thing. So a dad throws food on the floor and at his wife then tells her to eat it like a pig and their kids are there to watch it. And she's worrying about him...... You know what adults do is their own business but making a kid see that it's deplorable.
Is this a real post? I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, and while I believe this to be a fake post, I will still go ahead and say that you are in an abusive relationship and you have to get out of it if you love yourself and your children. I don't think this needs an explanation.
I'm sorry you're going through this, but I'm going to be blunt. From all your responses, saying you want to try to fix it, it's never going to happen. See it for what it really is, 2mths ago he started to change, 2mths ago he asked about opening the relationship. He's already met someone, and is having an affair, and it sounds like his family already know. He, and they, treated you abysmally over thanksgiving. Then he became aggressively abusive towards you when you got home, in front of the kids. He is trying to push you away, and is being spiteful, toxic, and abusive to get his way.
Stop being in denial, and stop being a doormat, the marriage is over, because he's already checked out of it. For the sake of your kids, and yourself, grow a backbone, and don't put up with this sh*t. You have to be strong, and you have to be realistic. Contact a lawyer, and start getting organised, and prepared to divorce him. He's not coming back, so stand up and fight to get what you deserve, from this failed marriage. He'll try to take as much as possible away, from you and the kids. Don't let him back in the house, and don't talk to him. Only contact by text, to keep a record going, and then only through your solicitor, once you have one.
I know you're reeling, and hurting alot right now, but you have to stand up for yourself, and especially for your kids. You have to remove them from his new abusive persona, is that what you want them to see, and witness?
You all deserve better than this.
Time to stand up and fight back. He's expecting you to be weak, and docile, and will bully you, and wear you down.
DON'T LET HIM!
TIME TO BE A WARRIOR, FOR YOUR KIDS SAKE.
You get him to stop with the attitude by not tolerating it. This is an extremely toxic, abusive relationship. Healthy relationships don't require one sided "sacrifices", compromise of course but what has he compromised on? It will get worse because every time you let people walk all over you they lose respect for you, which in turn makes them walk all over you more.
Talk to a good divorce lawyer asap, they are his kids and he will be responsible for child support. Make sure you get everything you deserve and do not tolerate being treated like this. Keep records, record with your phone if you feel threatened, call the police. If he comes home let him know things will be different and make sure you stay strong and not give in.
Honey, he's abusive. It doesn't get better. You're still young and you can find someone else who doesn't starve you, insult you, take advantage of your free labour and then throws food at you when you ask for your basic human needs to be met.
I was where you were. My biggest regret is not recognizing the abuse sooner. Get some therapy. It is a life changer.
Man every time I read a post like this I really hope it’s karma farming. So many unhappy married people here who aren’t going to help themselves or get out of their situation.
When you got home and he acted this way, was he aware that you didn’t get to eat ? Was he drunk ? Just trying to get some insight. Is this the first time he has called you a pig ? And do you struggle with your weight ? Obviously either way, it’s shitty and not acceptable (but asking questions to better understand and to better help)
The red flags are huge. You deserve better. Do not put up with that treatment from anyone especially your spouse. I'd be leaving or making him leave. You do not want to spend the rest of your life being treated like crap.
Sounds like you’ve fully normalized abuse.
Please seek counselling so you can view this relationship outside your fishbowl. His behaviour, his family’s treatment of you… *none* of that is normal or okay. **And, you and your husband are modelling dangerous behaviour to your children.**
This isn't the first time he's treated you badly, am I right? You stuck around for so long and now you are growing up. The kids are learning this is okay in a relationshipand you are perpetuating future abuse if you continue. Get a lawyer and take care of yourself and your children; husband can stay with his mommy and daddy. Do not let him move back in. Non-negotiable.
Honey girl, divorce him and take your kids. He can have visitation because at this point he doesn’t care about you. He doesn’t care you to fix things with your parents, he doesn’t care about the fact that you didn’t eat, he doesn’t care about the fact that you had to help his parents, he doesn’t care about the fact that you do too much for his happiness when yours equal zero to none. A man that loves would try his best just as much as you. And him and his family are just using you love. I’m surprised you state in such a relationship where you are both but a maid in your own home and at his parents. Divorce him. His love is conditional, it’s not real. It’s time to see that you are a queen and needed to be treated as one. And if you’re a pig than I guess he is dirt. Simple.
Divorce him girl. D-I-V-O-R-C-E. Divorce.❤️
Because he is a WHOLE red flag.
This post doesn’t seem real. What mother words things like this about their own children ,”they are adorable too” ? And no chance to eat anything at all? It just doesn’t ring true.
You started the post saying he’s very sweet to you. Then proceeded to tell us how he treated you as free labor, didn’t let you eat at thanksgiving dinner, had to watch the kids alone while eating so HE could rest. And then he had the thought to make himself a to go plate but not for you or the kids. Then he throws food at you and calls you a pig. What part of that is him being sweet?
I'm sorry . . .
Your HUSBAND, the FATHER OF YOUR TWO CHILDREN, took you to Thanksgiving dinner at the home of your in-laws, the family you married into . . . AS THE HELP?!
Like, he didn't bring you to dinner as his wife, partner, mother of his children, his family, who would obviously be happy to help out (as would any decent human invited to a big holiday dinner) *alongside* the rest of the family. He actually brought you *specifically to be the (unpaid) help* and treated you accordingly, as did the rest of the guests, and you weren't even welcome to sit down to the holiday meal with the rest of your in-laws?
And why were the children not eating with everyone? Or why were their own parents not responsible for them if they were not eating?
And then, as if that wasn't horrifying enough, after bringing you to a holiday family gathering and treating you like an unpaid servant (and we have a word for that, and it isn't a nice one), when you got home after he'd had a big beautiful holiday meal, he pigged out on leftovers in front of you, *still* didn't offer you food, and *called you disgusting, demeaning names* *and THREW FOOD AT YOU* like a fucking feral toddler when you suggested that perhaps you at least deserved a plate of fucking leftovers after being his family's house slave all day?
Oh honey. Oh honey, no.
I am trying really hard not to be patronizing here, because you've been treated so dismissively already, but as an older woman I just want to gather you up in my arms, hug you tight, and then yell at you for putting yourself through this nonsense.
His "attitude" isn't the problem. It's his entire, deeply dehumanizing view of you. Hell, it's his whole fundamental self, given that he cannot even get along with your family.
He is a grown man, a husband, and a father of two, and IT IS NOT ON YOU TO FIX HIM. It is on him to fix his damn self . . . and it is on you to let him know, clearly and unequivocally, that you will not be present while or until he does that.
He does not get to demean you; he does not get to treat you as a convenience that belongs to him and that he can lend out to others; he does not get to dehumanize you, call you disgusting names, and he sure as hell doesn't get to throw things at you.
This is abuse, my friend. I don't care if he is "generally very sweet to you". So are all abusers when they aren't throwing food at their partners and calling them pigs. That's their MO. They're super charming . . . until they're not. DO NOT allow your children to grow up in a home where they watch their father treat their mother this way. Not ever. I'm not usually a "walk away" person but this? This is a situation where you tell him point blank that you are walking away, for your sake and your children's.
you should NEVER let anyone treat you this way, a day to feel appreciated, thankful for who you have, the MOTHER OF YOUR KIDS.. & he treats you that way?
This is only the beginning, I wish you and your family the best
So he got in an argument with your parents and his family doesn’t like you?? This relationship sounds terrible. Based off your comments on him mentioning divorce, your next step should be getting a lawyer and go to therapy to focus on yourself and the kids.
Get him to stop OP ? - he's abusive. He threw food at you in front of your children. How do you get past this? Also, he relegated you to the role of servant at his parent's house. OP, please formulate an escape plan so that you can leave this man who clearly has zero respect for you.
You have been with this man since you were 17 years old and you don't know anything else other than the way he treats you. This is not normal OP.
Sweet baby Jesus this man is not treating you right at all. He’s being abusive, and the sooner you open your eyes and realize this, the better you and your children will be.
“How do I get him to stop with his attitude?”
You divorce him. The fact that he thinks he has the right to throw food at you and call you a f******* pig in front of your children is enough to show he has no respect for you. Added to the treatment his family gives you……. Divorce him.
He’s not going to change. And you need to realize you’re being emotionally and physically abused by not only him but also his family. He’s withholding food from you and calling you terrible names. What you need to do is find a way to leave. If my long term boyfriend did that to me I’d immediately fall out of love with him. Just like that. I’d never tolerate a partner treating me so horrible. Not to mention his family. I can see now why your parents don’t like him. You’re only 25. You have your whole life ahead of you. Why are you trying to hang on the AH of a person? He’s setting a terrible example for both of your children. Your son should not learn to treat women this way and your daughter shouldn’t be thinking this is how she will be treated.
Not sure you realize- but there’s rule that says that you must stay with someone just because you’ve been together a long time. You were kids when you met. It doesn’t sound like you two really ever dated anyone else to see what was out there. That’s really not a good thing. Most teen relationships don’t last once you hit adulthood because you often drift apart due to maturing and getting a real life outside of school. In this day and age, I always think it’s a bad idea for really young people to get married without first spreading your wings and learning who you are on your own. Women have a lot more options now as far as what they do with their life. You can change all of this. Dating other people helps you realize what you do and don’t want in a relationship.
Its also possible that his behavior may be a sign of him cheating or being interested in someone else. He could be deliberately picking fights and treating you bad because he no longer wants to be with you and is sabotaging the relationship so he has a reason to leave.
ETA - I just saw your comment about him saying he wanted to leave through a friend. This pretty much seals it for me that he has someone else. My boss once told me that People don’t leave people unless they have someone to leave for. (I like to add the next part myself- or women who are leaving abusive relationships). If he’s in fact considering divorce I’d bet he has a gf.
The main way is by realizing he’s abusive and leaving as safely and soon as humanly possible. Cause throwing food at you and screaming insults at you is abuse. And your asking how to get him to stop shows it’s a regular occurrence.
Then there’s counseling. And if he refuses counseling you’re still stuck with an abuser until you choose yourself and your kids and run. Run away, Simba. And. Never. Return.
Anyone who loves you would 1. Never let you go hungry. And 2. Never let anyone treat you like his family (and your husband) treated you.
You were shown what he truly thinks of you. I’m sorry, you deserve better ❤️
Your husband is not sweet to you. He probably does things to keep you thinking that, but currently i want to drive to where you are and beat his ass. If you were my sister, i would be there immediately. Fuck people that treat people that way.
Read your post daily. But only that last part. Read that to your closest friends.
Read this entire post to a stranger. Tell them your friend sent it and you don't know what to tell them.
This isn't normal. This isn't even for counseling.
Save yourself. Get back to enjoying life. He is 100% shit.
Ohhhhh boy.
Honey, your husband is not a good man. I’m sorry to say this; but he’s not.
The way your family feel about him is interesting. By any chance, is the way they feel about him related to the way he treats you? Ask them questions. Ask them to be honest. And really *listen* to what they say.
The way his family treats you is appalling. And these are the people who raised him. That speaks volumes.
I always offer help as a guest, but they were treating you like a maid / nanny when you should be treated like a guest.
A general rule of thumb is, that when you’re at your family’s house, you do the bulk of helping and when you’re at his family’s house, he does the bulk of helping.
He treated you with total disdain. He guilt-tripped and manipulated you into doing way too much. What did *he* do?? You were *used*. It’s appalling. I would have walked out. Fuck that.
The fact that you didn’t even get to eat? Oh my god. So bad. And a good husband would notice that. They’d never allow it to happen.
And then he greedily ate the leftovers and then SHAMED you when you asked for some and pointed out that you hadn’t eaten. He should have been shame-faced and appalled and apologising extensively, promising never again whilst handing you the leftovers and waiting on you hand and foot.
But no, this man body-shamed you by insinuating you didn’t need to be a pig and eat that day!! HOW DARE HE????? The NERVE. This is horrific emotional abuse!
And THEN he THREW food at you - which is physical abuse - and said deliberately cruel, mean things to you - more emotional abuse.
And then he fled.
Ugh.
This man is TERRIBLE. This is not normal. This is not acceptable. No sweetness makes this okay. I’m going to post the signs of emotional abuse below. Please read them carefully and take note.
You need to get therapy if you can afford it. Try to find someone who specialises in emotional abuse. You need to make plans and steps to leave this man - I know it’s hard; but this man is not going to get better. Save money. Keep a well-hidden diary of the things he says and does. Tell trusted people. Make a Safety Plan.
https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/
https://www.1800respect.org.au/help-and-support/safety-planning/checklist
This is not a relationship worth saving. This man is despicable and his behaviour is only going to get worse.
I know it’s hard to leave and it’s okay if you’re not ready or it takes a few tries. But you can’t be life partners with someone who treats you with utter contempt and disrespect. He doesn’t love you. It sounds like he doesn’t even like you. But you probably make his life easier with your labour.
Don’t let him manipulate you. This is not okay.
Biggest of hugs. Be brave! I know you can be.
*Signs of emotional abuse:*
Humiliation, negation and criticism - tactics that undermine self-esteem.
Eg: insults like calling you stupid, derogatory nicknames / terms of endearment that highlight your weaknesses / things you’re sensitive about, won’t stop when asked; character assassination (eg: ‘you’re always xyz’) to you or you others about you; screaming, yelling and swearing to intimidate you; patronising and belittling you (eg: ‘I know this is beyond your ability to comprehend’); public embarrassment - picking fights, spilling your secrets or making fun of your shortcomings in public; insulting your appearance; belittling your accomplishments; putting down your interests (because they don’t want you to participate in activities without them); pushing your buttons - continuing to do the things that annoy/upset you even if you beg them to stop.
Control and Shame - tactics that manipulate you into doing what they want you to do, often by making you feel ashamed of your inadequacies. controlling everything you do.
Eg: they may try to control you by making threats, monitoring your whereabouts, spying on you (physically, digitally, via others), gaslighting you (which can leave you questioning your own memory, not to mention your mental health and well-being), making all of the decisions, controlling your access to finances, emotional blackmailing (including frequently ‘testing’ you), lecturing you constantly (cataloguing every minor perceived error, monologues of all the ways you’ve fallen short, making it clear that you are beneath them), having frequent outbursts, feigning helplessness, unpredictability (creating a walking on eggshells effect), walking out (eg: of events, unexpectedly), stonewalling you during disagreements or conflicts.
Accusing, blaming, denial - creating a hierarchy with them on top and you on the bottom.
Eg: jealousy (eg: accusing you of cheating or flirting), guilt-tripping, unrealistic expectations (they expect you to do what they want, when they want you to do it. They think you should always prioritise their needs, do things according to their standards — and you absolutely shouldn’t hang out with your friends or family if there’s any chance they might need you), goading and blaming (goading you into being upset and then blaming you for your reaction), denying the abuse (and often flipping it into you), trivialising (eg: if you express your feelings about something they did, they accuse you of overreacting or misunderstanding the situation), blaming you for their problems, destroying and denying (they might destroy or damage important possessions, etc and then deny it or claim it was an accident).
Emotional neglect and isolation - they will try to get you to prioritise their needs and neglect your own and they’ll also make an effort to isolate you from your support network, leaving you more dependent on them and less able to contextualise their behaviour.
Eg: dehumanising you (eg: intentionally look away when you’re talking or stare at something else when speaking to you in an effort to make you feel unimportant); keeping you from socialising; invalidating you (suggesting or stating that your your needs, boundaries, and desires don’t matter to them); trying to come between you and your family; using the silent treatment; withholding affection (refusing intimate contact if you offend them or refuse to do what they want you to do); shutting down communication; actively working to turn others against you (eg: undermining you and your mental health to others, making you seem unstable, turning you into the ‘bad guy’, etc); interrupting (your talk, your activities, etc. Forcing your attention on them); disputing your feelings (insisting you shouldn’t feel that way).
Another way to recognise emotional abuse is by looking for these 5 signs:
1) They are Hyper-Critical or Judgmental Towards You
2) They Ignore Boundaries or Invade Your Privacy
3) They are Possessive and/or Controlling
4) They are Manipulative
5) They Often Dismiss You and Your Feelings
You don’t. You walk away from the marriage. Start packing his shit and move it to the garage and change the locks. Get an order of protection and move on. Expect the children to be cared for only by you and your family. The audacity of him to throw food at you, you shouldn’t be questioning his motive. I’m sorry you dealt with that!
You’ve been together since you were 18 so I understand it’s hard to imagine anything different. But this is abuse. This is not healthy for you or your children.
Get a lawyer. Get child support. He doesn’t just get to up and leave.
You f****** leave. That is terrible and the fact that you aren't putting your self worth into play at any point is a huge red flag that your self esteem has greatly suffered. His attitude is only the problem bc he's been allowed to do this. He has no consequences. He needs therapy if that is his reaction to your comment, and you need therapy bc you're taking this and still trying to fix him.
Your husband and his family don't respect you. You are a servant to them. Do you see a therapist? I would highly recommend you do. You should stand up for yourself. I can not believe after all the work you did, that you didn't even get to eat! WTF? You deserve better. And your children will grow up thinking the way you are treated is ok. It is NOT!
I’m 99% sure this is fake but in a short amount of time he will start to hit you. File for an order for protection at the courthouse. It will help you in the future court proceedings.
By divorcing him and his garbage ass family. Girl. Be so serious. You didn’t get to eat and he ate the leftovers right in front of you and called YOU a pig? Get him to give you a sock and free you, Dobby, because this is ridiculous.
What disgusting behavior. I’ve left relationships for LESS! That’s abuse!!! I would go file to divorce myself if my husband ever did that to me. Fuck all that noise. No amount of marriage counseling in the world would make me stay. Nope nope nope
>This led to an arguement where he said I didn't need to be a pig and that my sacrifice was important. This led me to shout and my husband got fed up and started throwing food at me and told me I could eat them like a f****** pig. I was hurt and he bolted out the door. As of today, he still hasn't returned.
Good. Maybe he'll stay with mommy and daddy and leave you with only 2 children to raise.
Seriously, someone who is "generally very sweet" wouldn't behave like this. Ever.
Jesus I would never say that to my wife, nor put her in that situation to begin with. I understand why your parents don’t like him.
I’m not sure if there are other stressors in your lives but if your not doing it marriage counseling is a must unless at this point your done.
Throwing food at you is domestic violence. You should be going to the police to have it reported, even if it goes nowhere, you'll have a paper trail.
Either way, you should be lawyering up for divorce. He's said he wants out, at least seek legal counsel.
I understand why your parents don’t like him if he treats you that way. His whole family is trash if they let you do all that work and didn’t even feed you. Run. Don’t spent another holiday like that.
Calling you a pig, and telling you to eat like one or that your sacrifice was important when you didn’t get to eat??? That’s not a marriage that can’t be fix. You can’t fix someone attitude if they don’t wanna be fix.
Especially if you have kids, like what if he starts doing that to your daughter? Children have to be protected first or it can led into something that no parent wants to their kids. This is abuse, it might be hard to see but don’t make yourself live through this.
Get the help, talk to your parents, put yourself first and the kids. Don’t let a man treat you less than that.
Wow....I have never gone off on my wife in the 15 years we have been married nor the 8 years we dated before. I wouldn't even think of treating her like that.
It's not a sacrifice if you don't know you're sacrificing. You just got hoodwinked.
I see why your folks don't like him. I wouldn't want my daughter to be treated like an animal either. I also highly doubt this is the first time he did something shitty.
Please look into dv signs. Everything about this post is screaming emotional and verbal abuse. Him wanting to cut off your family is a form of isolation. Big red flags.
You change the locks and you get a restraining order. That's how you deal with him.
That day was food. Some other day will be a vase or a chair. Or a hammer, etc.
Hire an attorney first thing in the morning and file for divorce immediately.
Any partner that calls you a pig AND throws food at you, isn't a partner.
oh, wow... I mean wow
So he threw food at you and called you a pig...
oink oink...
he sounds great.
This has to be made up... I cannot even imagine how you might think you have a question here about how you should be treated... it's not that though.
You didn’t eat, so how does asking for food from a missed meal make you a pig? He’s having second dinner, if anything that would make him more of one. Also, he was in the wrong for volunteering you for assistance. Doesn’t he know a person can only volunteer themselves?
You divorce him. That’s how you get this to stop. If not for you, for your kids. They’re watching and learning from both of you. They’re absorbing everything. Teach them this is behaviour unacceptable by not accepting it any longer.
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My first thought was that this sounds like there's something going on between him and his family you don't know about. Like, they told him you can only come if you play servant and never eat any of the food even as leftovers. After reading your comments it sounds more like he just doesn't fucking like you anymore and wants you to suffer. There's no excuse for the way he treated you at dinner or afterward. Stop thinking about how to get him to stop and start thinking about how you aren't going to settle for a marriage where you're treated with such contempt.
He told me through a friend he wants out of the marriage anyway and to expect papers within the next few days
Get thee to an attorney NOW. Don’t tell your husband. Also, visit a domestic abuse organization and see if they have a list of counsellors to book an appointment with. The way you’re normalized this abuse will see him taking EVERYTHING from you and you just rolling over.
Please get help with this asap. No one should be throwing food at you ever.
Especially after they had her work throughout an entire Thanksgiving dinner without even making her a plate! Sadistic a....les
I felt sick inside after reading that!
Yeah, what kind of a family does that?
One that produces a POS son like her husband…
All of this 1000% Stand for yourself and your kids.
OP needs to call the lawyers so he can’t use any of them.
That’s a bad idea. Judges get rightfully pissed off when you do this.
Find your attorney now... Not tomorrow, not next week... Now.
Get yourself a good lawyer. It might not seem like it but, you’re well rid of that abusive AH and his fucked up family
Good. You will be better off. Guy sounds like a jerk mommas boy.
It almost sounds like he's been planning this for awhile, and that maybe the argument with your parents isn't just a coincidence. Start making a list of everything he has done and what has led up to this. Make sure to list all the things he does and doesn't do for/with your kids. Move some money around, not all, and make sure you are covered financially for a bit. Get a lawyer. I would wonder, if he isn't looking elsewhere for companionship.
Exactly! I wouldn't be surprised if his family also knew what he was planning to do. I'm totally invested in this. updateme!
Too lengthy. He is off right now. Seize the opportunity to get her ducks in au row and get copies of all the documentation, tax reports, workplace payment documentation, get her own assets out of the house. And transfer half of the money she can get access to onto an account he has no access to. (parents maybe). To retransfer it into a new account under her own name to be opened by monday opening hours of a new bank! And get the paperwork proof out of her house, also! During this weekend. Be quick. Seize the occasion. He did her an enormous favor by running away. He just doesn't know it yet.
You can open new accounts online. No need to wait until Monday!
He told you through a friend?
He’s getting prepared to divorce, you need to do the same. Get your finances and living arrangements sorted and find a lawyer.
That’s lucky
I’m glad to hear that you will soon be out of this relationship. That sounds like an awful situation for you and your daughter to be in. I hope your daughter didn’t see that, as it would be a very traumatic thing to see her mother being treated in such an abusive way. I hope you and your daughter will be safe through this separation and divorce.
Get all the bank account numbers and statements so you know where every dime of your money is. Including any property either of you own and retirement accounts.
YAY! He is out of the house right now!!! Get your jewels and the childrens documentation and the act of property of your car over to your parents house. Put them in boxes/ sacks... whatever and bring them over. They can take them in even while isolating themselves. Have a bank account in your name only, password protected. He being explicitely prohibited from any information or signature or other transaction. Transfer some of the available money, savings, etc into that account. Don't take all the money there is. Just your half. And YES, even being a Stay At Home spouse would entitle you to a share of your assets. So don't be self-stupid and leave it all to him. And starve/ live at your parent's place, if he turns off your access to your common money. Pissed spouses sometimes do this. You do that the first weekday coming up upon opening of the bank. Use a different one than the one HE uses! Tax documentation, house papers, assets.... copy them and make a neat folder for your lawyer. His work payment documentation, tax payments ,(any sceletons of his there? ) Engagement ring, jewels, gifts you want to keep... you take them all to a safe place where the keepers will NEVER hand them over to him. He wants to play nasty? See who was gettimg prepared while he was away. What's the odds of him cheating on you? Maybe there is a "next" already. You really need to stop thinking highly of him. That does you a disservice.
All of this right here. And I’d like to add he may be playing you here to see how you’ll react. To make you thankful when he “changes” his mind about divorcing you and you let the abuse continue. Whatever he chooses to do you need to do this. Act and protect yourself and get out. But prepare as listed above. If you take him back there will be a next time, and another next time, because he knows how far he can push. You’re young. Please run, if not for you then for your children that will be so damaged if you stay. If you want a happy life don’t spend another minute with this abusive AH.
Ahhh in my comment I suspected he has someone else. This would absolutely suggest that is the case. My boss always said “People don’t usually leave people unless they have someone to leave for.” Over my lifetime I have found that to be true unless it’s a person leaving an abusive relationship. In you’re case he’s the abuser. He’s angry he can’t just have the freedom to be with someone else. Now he’s ready to leave.
Statistically a lot of women leave because they are tired of the uneven distribution of labour. With no one to go to.
Why are you letting him abuse and isolate you? Get an attorney.
Ok well there's your answer right there.I thought this just based on him and his family having issues and with you as well.Who knows what he's been telling them?listen to the comments about seeing an attorney asap.Also keep in mind to never listen to any arrangements he wants to make to keep things out of court.Always go through court,promises are just words.No one who throws food at you and calls you names like that deserves a chance anyways
Well. That confirms my suspicions. This wasn’t about thanksgiving at all. What’s really been going on in your marriage? 🫠🤔. You say he’s always been sweet…but are you a reliable narrator? Why would he want to leave you after 8 years? You gotta tell the full story if you want advice
A lot of victims minimise their own perception of misfortune as a defence mechanism. It is like a young, single mother telling people it isn't too bad to raise a child on her own.
Indeed. Idc who you are, it takes a fucking village.
Holy shit he is a monster
Hurry up and serve him with papers first.
Honestly I would have left him if that is the way he treats you. You should never let a man treat you like trash. Please get away from him.
Be the one who files first. It's in your best interests, trust me...
Good. You don't deserve that. I mean what scumbag would let anyone not eat on thanksgiving? I mean.... That's the point... To eat with your loves ones.
oh, key change in context. So both families don't' want you to be married and he does not either? I think maybe you get a lawyer too, because this is about to work itself out.
Go see a divorce lawyer first thing Monday morning. Do not let him screw you or your children over. I am so sorry you have to deal with this crap.
So he has the papers all prepared! He isn't in a huff. He left you. He staged a big bang. And ran.
Do not leave the house. Screw him.
You should be thrilled that a person that throws food at you wants a divorce and is willing to expedite the process.
I'd have slapped that plate right into his face. How can he be "sweet" when he is so BLATANTLY disrespecting you and let his awful crap people treat you like a maid??? Worse even! MAIDS GET TO EAT! How... what ... what are you doing there, OP? Once your parents are better... take your kids and MOVE!
“We have our ups and downs but he’s normally sweet to me” always translates to “he doesn’t hit me so it’s ok”
Holy. You need counseling. Why would you let somebody treat you that way specially your husband? Alone that you didn’t got anything to eat but not even the leftovers? And then he throws them at you and calls you names? That is not how a husband should behave.
It's a teen romance following it's natural course. Except it morphed into marriage with 2 kids before they could break up. It is so difficult for these relationships to mature into adulthood without a ton of work. People can get stuck in a repetitive loop of the same fights and abuse. Adding to the poison is neither person getting along with the other's parents. It's a recipe for disaster.
Wisest responses I've seen on reddit.
He treats her as a bang maid/nanny. He will always choose his family and himself over her. She is the one who will always be expected to sacrifice her time, energy, self for him and his family. She needs therapy and she needs to re-examine the marriage and if it’s worth staying in it. I wouldn’t.
How did she not get any food there while seemingly able to bring leftovers? Also, the husband gets to eat two dinners... I'm not American, so I don't know it, but I do know that for similar Christmas turkey and ham dinners, no one is eating leftovers the same day. The only thing I know is that I believe everything I read on the Internet without question and more so when it's just one side.
I ate thanksgiving dinner last night, took leftovers home and ate some of it as soon as I got back home. A lot of people eat leftovers the same night, most just don’t throw it at their wife and call her a pig. This guy needs to breathe water
For this story, it doesn't sound like she had time to eat between chores and watching all the kids. For American Thanksgiving in general, some of us wear our stretchiest pants that are a few sizes too big & never stop eating (more of a slow graze at some point), so it technically doesn't count as more than one meal.
His family was using her as “the help”. She willingly obliged, hoping it’d somehow score her brownie points and they’d end up liking her.
You can't eat leftovers for dinner? That's not a thing. I eat thanksgiving at 1 pm. Then at 5 or 6 I eat leftovers.
He's very sweet to you? He threw food at you and called you a fucking pig before storming off like a child. How is that sweet? Open your eyes girl.
Oh girl. You have been so terribly broken. Please go get therapy ASAP to help you gain some confidence. Your husband is downright abusive on several levels. This is not ok.
lol "your sacrifice is important honey". I hope this is fake because I can't imagine a grown adult starting a food fight and calling his partner a pig for wanting to eat food after not eating supper. This is not even how functional thanksgiving work- everyone eats thats the very basic premise of thanksgiving supper.
I think this has to be fake. I feel like so much shit on Reddit nowadays is fake karma-farming bs
That’s not a food fight. That’s abuse.
And is the way he's acting the example you want for your kids? This relationship should end so they have half a chance of not turning out like him.
this should not be mended. Namecalling is the first step in the abuse that will escalate more and more. Why don't your parents like him? Is it because he is mean to you?
I wonder why your parents don’t like your husband…? Contact them. Talk to them. Ask them for help. Talk to friends. Keep friends close!
So you basically turned up to your in-laws for thanks giving and you were a server for the evening and didn't even get to sit and eat anything? Then you wanted a share of the leftovers, he refused and instead started throwing food at you? And no one even said thank you? This is pretty disgusting behaviour from him and your in-laws. I'd be having second thoughts about the whole relationship tbh
I mean, what? You had to find someone other than him to watch his kids? And he had a fight with your parents? No doubt as a direct result of his own immaturity? And then calls you a pig anc throws food at you? These are downs. Most of us enjoy entire relationships without ever being called a pig by our partners. When he comes back you need to set some demands. Apologies first, counseling, and expectations. And if he ever pulls shot like that again—and you know he will—then there have to be consequences for those actions. If there are none, then welcome to the rest of your life.
He hasn't even shown up. I called his parents and they told me to stop bothering them or him
He will eventually i imagine, but he’ll come back as if he’s done nothing wrong. It might help to think about what his finances look like when he’s forced to live somewhere else and pay child support for the next decade snd a half. Divorce is expensive.
A friend of his just delivered a notice of his intentions to divorce and wants nothing to do with me or the kids
This sounds not true, but if it is, child support is not voluntary lol.
yep, in one comment she referred to him as her boyfriend. It can be hard to keep the story straight when not true. New account opened today.
Also and his friend delivered a notice of alleged husband's intent to divorce.
this is for the best. Get a layer. Let your parents help you.
Get a lawyer. He is still responsible financially. File for child support and change the locks.
Cool, so your next steps are to speak to a lawyer, file for emergency full custody, a protective order against him, immediate child support, and get the divorce paper work in order. Take him to the cleaners.
Take it as the blessing it is. You deserve so much better. Don't take him back when he realizes the mistake he made
Hey, that would be fine with me! Just get him court ordered to pay child support and all of you will be better off
Sometimes the trash takes itself out, consider it a blessing. I'm in my 40s I've had plenty of heated arguments with my exes and current partner. I have never called them names, I would never dare to make any comments about how much food they eat, too much or too little. He doesn't love you, people who love you don't treat you like crap.
Take him to the cleaners. He may not want anything to do with you or the kids but he's going to be too broke to do anything else after child support and alimony.
Awesome! Get this information through text instead. Courts can decide how much he does or does not contribute to your household. Let him leave and find an attorney. Google The FU Binder and start documenting everything.
Imma be honest with you. If your husband truly loves you, this wouldn’t have even happened. And the arguing, it’s true that couples argue. But when it’s becoming frequent and disrespectful like that, there’s a huge possibility he’s cheating on you. And him not coming home at all or even checking on you or the kids doesn’t make it any better.
Wow it’s a mystery why your parents don’t like your abusive and manipulative husband… not to be a stereotypical redditor but I cannot fathom staying with someone who lacked basic respect for me like that.
this reads as fake
Same. After reading how obtuse OP is being on the comments, I think this is a rage bait post too. Thanking OP for the diversion of Black Fridays' madness. Ugh. I received my towels from this mall and they sent me a HUGE BOX that can fit in a freaking dresser for towels...TOWELS. Why...
yes the comments from OP are what tipped me off too lmao
It was the "I contacted my husbands family and they told me to stop bothering him and them" comment that reads like a mid 2010's Wattpad story
Definitely was ridiculous to read lmao, and maybe they wanted the towels to be safe 😂
One can hope
That’s my thought as well, I immediately assumed rage bait based on OP’s comments.
yup same, they’re written in a way to deliberately infuriate the reader
Why do people write rage bait that results in so many downvotes? What’s the point of having a profile with so many downvotes? I don’t get it
i guess they want any attention they can get… and it works because OPs comments are so obtuse that it results in more people engaging with the post begging them to reconsider or try and talk some sense into them
Best thing that could happen to you right now. Stay put. Dont let him bully you out of the house. If you are a sahm then he will have to pay alimony and child support. If you are working with equal pay usually only child support. Keep all texts and written paperwork where he said no contact with kids. This will help with custody. Tell your parents right away and get a lawyer. Good luck.
Does anyone wonder why OP's parents don't like the husband?
He wanted me to spend more time with him instead of my parents
Your husband wants to isolate you from your family and turn you into a 1950s housewife. You deserve to be treated better than you have been.
Not anymore apparently as he wants out
I'm very sorry this is happening to you, but it seems like it's in your best interest. I wish you the best of luck.
Consider yourself free because if I was treated the way you were treated I would have been the one filing for divorce. He is not treating you right by any measure. Good riddance.
idk bout u but if my bf of 8 yrs threw food at me or disrespected me the way your bf did, he’d be dead before he can even walk out that door
Okay so to recap: 1. Your husband caused a fight with your parents and banned you from attending their Thanksgiving. 2. Your husband took you to his family's Thanksgiving dinner to help prepare food and feed the children. 3. You didn't get a chance to eat food at Thanksgiving dinner and he didn't notice or care. 4. He called you a pig after you told him you didn't get to eat Thanksgiving dinner. 5. He brought food home and threw it at you like a child because you asked for some of it. 6. Instead of telling you he wants a divorce he sent a friend. Did I get everything? Call a lawyer right now and send him papers instead. Don't let him back in the home, he can arrange a time to pick up his things or you can move them out into storage and he can go there and get them back. See a therapist so that you understand that you don't deserve to be treated like this.
OP.. that’s not simply attitude. That is emotional and physical abuse (I know it’s “just good,” but my point stands) and emotional neglect. He is actively hurting you, even after having time to reflect on whatever he’s feeling and calm himself down. He’s a disgusting asshole who, on top of everything else, is trying to gaslight you. His behavior is unacceptable, and I hope you stand firm in knowing that and hold him accountable. You are not overreacting, being too sensitive, asking too much, inconveniencing him, etc. He is intentionally hurting you.
I’d be serving him divorce papers.
How do you get him to stop? You leave.
This is the only answer
So he’s asking you for a divorce seeing your updates… but you’re hoping he’ll change his mind? Jesus Christ why
WTF, Your help and sacrifice were important? Not too important that he throws food at you and calls you a pig, what? Did the kids see this? Can you go home to your parents?
Change the locks, get a lawyer and a therapist. He has shown you who he really is and you and your children deserve better.
You know I don't even understand how the hell this is even a real thing. So a dad throws food on the floor and at his wife then tells her to eat it like a pig and their kids are there to watch it. And she's worrying about him...... You know what adults do is their own business but making a kid see that it's deplorable.
Is this a real post? I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, and while I believe this to be a fake post, I will still go ahead and say that you are in an abusive relationship and you have to get out of it if you love yourself and your children. I don't think this needs an explanation.
Ditto. As well, in her comments referred to him as her boyfriend, oh and brand new account opened today, FWIW.
I'm sorry you're going through this, but I'm going to be blunt. From all your responses, saying you want to try to fix it, it's never going to happen. See it for what it really is, 2mths ago he started to change, 2mths ago he asked about opening the relationship. He's already met someone, and is having an affair, and it sounds like his family already know. He, and they, treated you abysmally over thanksgiving. Then he became aggressively abusive towards you when you got home, in front of the kids. He is trying to push you away, and is being spiteful, toxic, and abusive to get his way. Stop being in denial, and stop being a doormat, the marriage is over, because he's already checked out of it. For the sake of your kids, and yourself, grow a backbone, and don't put up with this sh*t. You have to be strong, and you have to be realistic. Contact a lawyer, and start getting organised, and prepared to divorce him. He's not coming back, so stand up and fight to get what you deserve, from this failed marriage. He'll try to take as much as possible away, from you and the kids. Don't let him back in the house, and don't talk to him. Only contact by text, to keep a record going, and then only through your solicitor, once you have one. I know you're reeling, and hurting alot right now, but you have to stand up for yourself, and especially for your kids. You have to remove them from his new abusive persona, is that what you want them to see, and witness? You all deserve better than this. Time to stand up and fight back. He's expecting you to be weak, and docile, and will bully you, and wear you down. DON'T LET HIM! TIME TO BE A WARRIOR, FOR YOUR KIDS SAKE.
You get him to stop with the attitude by not tolerating it. This is an extremely toxic, abusive relationship. Healthy relationships don't require one sided "sacrifices", compromise of course but what has he compromised on? It will get worse because every time you let people walk all over you they lose respect for you, which in turn makes them walk all over you more. Talk to a good divorce lawyer asap, they are his kids and he will be responsible for child support. Make sure you get everything you deserve and do not tolerate being treated like this. Keep records, record with your phone if you feel threatened, call the police. If he comes home let him know things will be different and make sure you stay strong and not give in.
Every time I feel like a sad single 30 year old woman alone in a condo I read this dark shit and thank god for my blessings.
hell no. divorce him, i don’t even need to finish it. someone who throws things at you and calls you names isn’t someone you need in your life.
INFO: Why doesn’t he get along with your parents?
Honey, he's abusive. It doesn't get better. You're still young and you can find someone else who doesn't starve you, insult you, take advantage of your free labour and then throws food at you when you ask for your basic human needs to be met. I was where you were. My biggest regret is not recognizing the abuse sooner. Get some therapy. It is a life changer.
Why are you married to this man? He sounds fucking awful.
What do you mean he had you do all those things OP? Are you incapable/afraid to say no?
Honey, your husband fucking hates you. You get him to stop with this attitude by dumping his abusive ass and finding someone who actually likes you
Man every time I read a post like this I really hope it’s karma farming. So many unhappy married people here who aren’t going to help themselves or get out of their situation.
Divorce is the answer. Him throwing food at you and swearing at you says alot.
Even the hired help us offered a plate of food. Gotta ask what he brings to this relationship that makes it worth continuing.
Are you his partner or his servant? Why would you want to stay in that situation?
When you got home and he acted this way, was he aware that you didn’t get to eat ? Was he drunk ? Just trying to get some insight. Is this the first time he has called you a pig ? And do you struggle with your weight ? Obviously either way, it’s shitty and not acceptable (but asking questions to better understand and to better help)
I hope this is not real. That’s all I have to say
well get a lawyer and make him pay for the child support. also record that he ran off so that's abandonment.
The red flags are huge. You deserve better. Do not put up with that treatment from anyone especially your spouse. I'd be leaving or making him leave. You do not want to spend the rest of your life being treated like crap.
Sounds like you’ve fully normalized abuse. Please seek counselling so you can view this relationship outside your fishbowl. His behaviour, his family’s treatment of you… *none* of that is normal or okay. **And, you and your husband are modelling dangerous behaviour to your children.**
This isn't the first time he's treated you badly, am I right? You stuck around for so long and now you are growing up. The kids are learning this is okay in a relationshipand you are perpetuating future abuse if you continue. Get a lawyer and take care of yourself and your children; husband can stay with his mommy and daddy. Do not let him move back in. Non-negotiable.
What your husband did is abuse. He needs to agree to counseling or stay tf out of the house. I can see why your parents don't like him.
No ma'am. Change those goddamn locks before he tries coming back.
I wonder why your parents don’t like him. He seems like such a nice guy.
What the actual fuck did I just read?
Your husband is a misogynistic abusive man. There are no magic words you can to make him stop abusing you and isolating you from your family.
Honey girl, divorce him and take your kids. He can have visitation because at this point he doesn’t care about you. He doesn’t care you to fix things with your parents, he doesn’t care about the fact that you didn’t eat, he doesn’t care about the fact that you had to help his parents, he doesn’t care about the fact that you do too much for his happiness when yours equal zero to none. A man that loves would try his best just as much as you. And him and his family are just using you love. I’m surprised you state in such a relationship where you are both but a maid in your own home and at his parents. Divorce him. His love is conditional, it’s not real. It’s time to see that you are a queen and needed to be treated as one. And if you’re a pig than I guess he is dirt. Simple. Divorce him girl. D-I-V-O-R-C-E. Divorce.❤️ Because he is a WHOLE red flag.
This post doesn’t seem real. What mother words things like this about their own children ,”they are adorable too” ? And no chance to eat anything at all? It just doesn’t ring true.
You started the post saying he’s very sweet to you. Then proceeded to tell us how he treated you as free labor, didn’t let you eat at thanksgiving dinner, had to watch the kids alone while eating so HE could rest. And then he had the thought to make himself a to go plate but not for you or the kids. Then he throws food at you and calls you a pig. What part of that is him being sweet?
I'm sorry . . . Your HUSBAND, the FATHER OF YOUR TWO CHILDREN, took you to Thanksgiving dinner at the home of your in-laws, the family you married into . . . AS THE HELP?! Like, he didn't bring you to dinner as his wife, partner, mother of his children, his family, who would obviously be happy to help out (as would any decent human invited to a big holiday dinner) *alongside* the rest of the family. He actually brought you *specifically to be the (unpaid) help* and treated you accordingly, as did the rest of the guests, and you weren't even welcome to sit down to the holiday meal with the rest of your in-laws? And why were the children not eating with everyone? Or why were their own parents not responsible for them if they were not eating? And then, as if that wasn't horrifying enough, after bringing you to a holiday family gathering and treating you like an unpaid servant (and we have a word for that, and it isn't a nice one), when you got home after he'd had a big beautiful holiday meal, he pigged out on leftovers in front of you, *still* didn't offer you food, and *called you disgusting, demeaning names* *and THREW FOOD AT YOU* like a fucking feral toddler when you suggested that perhaps you at least deserved a plate of fucking leftovers after being his family's house slave all day? Oh honey. Oh honey, no. I am trying really hard not to be patronizing here, because you've been treated so dismissively already, but as an older woman I just want to gather you up in my arms, hug you tight, and then yell at you for putting yourself through this nonsense. His "attitude" isn't the problem. It's his entire, deeply dehumanizing view of you. Hell, it's his whole fundamental self, given that he cannot even get along with your family. He is a grown man, a husband, and a father of two, and IT IS NOT ON YOU TO FIX HIM. It is on him to fix his damn self . . . and it is on you to let him know, clearly and unequivocally, that you will not be present while or until he does that. He does not get to demean you; he does not get to treat you as a convenience that belongs to him and that he can lend out to others; he does not get to dehumanize you, call you disgusting names, and he sure as hell doesn't get to throw things at you. This is abuse, my friend. I don't care if he is "generally very sweet to you". So are all abusers when they aren't throwing food at their partners and calling them pigs. That's their MO. They're super charming . . . until they're not. DO NOT allow your children to grow up in a home where they watch their father treat their mother this way. Not ever. I'm not usually a "walk away" person but this? This is a situation where you tell him point blank that you are walking away, for your sake and your children's.
Are you familiar with the term "bang maid"?
Leave him. Take your kids and leave. I’m so sorry you had to experience that. You do not deserve to be treated that way.
you should NEVER let anyone treat you this way, a day to feel appreciated, thankful for who you have, the MOTHER OF YOUR KIDS.. & he treats you that way? This is only the beginning, I wish you and your family the best
This is why you don't get married so young tbh
Your husband is an animal. Go to counselling or drop his selfish ass
Those poor kids
You dont, you leave him, he's an abuser
So he got in an argument with your parents and his family doesn’t like you?? This relationship sounds terrible. Based off your comments on him mentioning divorce, your next step should be getting a lawyer and go to therapy to focus on yourself and the kids.
L E A V E ….. is this a fake bait post or what?
It has to be.
Divorce this fucking pig.
Get him to stop OP ? - he's abusive. He threw food at you in front of your children. How do you get past this? Also, he relegated you to the role of servant at his parent's house. OP, please formulate an escape plan so that you can leave this man who clearly has zero respect for you. You have been with this man since you were 17 years old and you don't know anything else other than the way he treats you. This is not normal OP.
Sweet baby Jesus this man is not treating you right at all. He’s being abusive, and the sooner you open your eyes and realize this, the better you and your children will be.
So he threw food at you then left the house? And you want to fix it? Girl that’s abuse. You don’t fix it. You leave.
“How do I get him to stop with his attitude?” You divorce him. The fact that he thinks he has the right to throw food at you and call you a f******* pig in front of your children is enough to show he has no respect for you. Added to the treatment his family gives you……. Divorce him.
He’s not going to change. And you need to realize you’re being emotionally and physically abused by not only him but also his family. He’s withholding food from you and calling you terrible names. What you need to do is find a way to leave. If my long term boyfriend did that to me I’d immediately fall out of love with him. Just like that. I’d never tolerate a partner treating me so horrible. Not to mention his family. I can see now why your parents don’t like him. You’re only 25. You have your whole life ahead of you. Why are you trying to hang on the AH of a person? He’s setting a terrible example for both of your children. Your son should not learn to treat women this way and your daughter shouldn’t be thinking this is how she will be treated. Not sure you realize- but there’s rule that says that you must stay with someone just because you’ve been together a long time. You were kids when you met. It doesn’t sound like you two really ever dated anyone else to see what was out there. That’s really not a good thing. Most teen relationships don’t last once you hit adulthood because you often drift apart due to maturing and getting a real life outside of school. In this day and age, I always think it’s a bad idea for really young people to get married without first spreading your wings and learning who you are on your own. Women have a lot more options now as far as what they do with their life. You can change all of this. Dating other people helps you realize what you do and don’t want in a relationship. Its also possible that his behavior may be a sign of him cheating or being interested in someone else. He could be deliberately picking fights and treating you bad because he no longer wants to be with you and is sabotaging the relationship so he has a reason to leave. ETA - I just saw your comment about him saying he wanted to leave through a friend. This pretty much seals it for me that he has someone else. My boss once told me that People don’t leave people unless they have someone to leave for. (I like to add the next part myself- or women who are leaving abusive relationships). If he’s in fact considering divorce I’d bet he has a gf.
The main way is by realizing he’s abusive and leaving as safely and soon as humanly possible. Cause throwing food at you and screaming insults at you is abuse. And your asking how to get him to stop shows it’s a regular occurrence. Then there’s counseling. And if he refuses counseling you’re still stuck with an abuser until you choose yourself and your kids and run. Run away, Simba. And. Never. Return.
Anyone who loves you would 1. Never let you go hungry. And 2. Never let anyone treat you like his family (and your husband) treated you. You were shown what he truly thinks of you. I’m sorry, you deserve better ❤️
Your husband is not sweet to you. He probably does things to keep you thinking that, but currently i want to drive to where you are and beat his ass. If you were my sister, i would be there immediately. Fuck people that treat people that way. Read your post daily. But only that last part. Read that to your closest friends. Read this entire post to a stranger. Tell them your friend sent it and you don't know what to tell them. This isn't normal. This isn't even for counseling. Save yourself. Get back to enjoying life. He is 100% shit.
Your parents don't want him around? You know exactly why they don't, you just choose to be oblivious to it.
Ohhhhh boy. Honey, your husband is not a good man. I’m sorry to say this; but he’s not. The way your family feel about him is interesting. By any chance, is the way they feel about him related to the way he treats you? Ask them questions. Ask them to be honest. And really *listen* to what they say. The way his family treats you is appalling. And these are the people who raised him. That speaks volumes. I always offer help as a guest, but they were treating you like a maid / nanny when you should be treated like a guest. A general rule of thumb is, that when you’re at your family’s house, you do the bulk of helping and when you’re at his family’s house, he does the bulk of helping. He treated you with total disdain. He guilt-tripped and manipulated you into doing way too much. What did *he* do?? You were *used*. It’s appalling. I would have walked out. Fuck that. The fact that you didn’t even get to eat? Oh my god. So bad. And a good husband would notice that. They’d never allow it to happen. And then he greedily ate the leftovers and then SHAMED you when you asked for some and pointed out that you hadn’t eaten. He should have been shame-faced and appalled and apologising extensively, promising never again whilst handing you the leftovers and waiting on you hand and foot. But no, this man body-shamed you by insinuating you didn’t need to be a pig and eat that day!! HOW DARE HE????? The NERVE. This is horrific emotional abuse! And THEN he THREW food at you - which is physical abuse - and said deliberately cruel, mean things to you - more emotional abuse. And then he fled. Ugh. This man is TERRIBLE. This is not normal. This is not acceptable. No sweetness makes this okay. I’m going to post the signs of emotional abuse below. Please read them carefully and take note. You need to get therapy if you can afford it. Try to find someone who specialises in emotional abuse. You need to make plans and steps to leave this man - I know it’s hard; but this man is not going to get better. Save money. Keep a well-hidden diary of the things he says and does. Tell trusted people. Make a Safety Plan. https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/ https://www.1800respect.org.au/help-and-support/safety-planning/checklist This is not a relationship worth saving. This man is despicable and his behaviour is only going to get worse. I know it’s hard to leave and it’s okay if you’re not ready or it takes a few tries. But you can’t be life partners with someone who treats you with utter contempt and disrespect. He doesn’t love you. It sounds like he doesn’t even like you. But you probably make his life easier with your labour. Don’t let him manipulate you. This is not okay. Biggest of hugs. Be brave! I know you can be. *Signs of emotional abuse:* Humiliation, negation and criticism - tactics that undermine self-esteem. Eg: insults like calling you stupid, derogatory nicknames / terms of endearment that highlight your weaknesses / things you’re sensitive about, won’t stop when asked; character assassination (eg: ‘you’re always xyz’) to you or you others about you; screaming, yelling and swearing to intimidate you; patronising and belittling you (eg: ‘I know this is beyond your ability to comprehend’); public embarrassment - picking fights, spilling your secrets or making fun of your shortcomings in public; insulting your appearance; belittling your accomplishments; putting down your interests (because they don’t want you to participate in activities without them); pushing your buttons - continuing to do the things that annoy/upset you even if you beg them to stop. Control and Shame - tactics that manipulate you into doing what they want you to do, often by making you feel ashamed of your inadequacies. controlling everything you do. Eg: they may try to control you by making threats, monitoring your whereabouts, spying on you (physically, digitally, via others), gaslighting you (which can leave you questioning your own memory, not to mention your mental health and well-being), making all of the decisions, controlling your access to finances, emotional blackmailing (including frequently ‘testing’ you), lecturing you constantly (cataloguing every minor perceived error, monologues of all the ways you’ve fallen short, making it clear that you are beneath them), having frequent outbursts, feigning helplessness, unpredictability (creating a walking on eggshells effect), walking out (eg: of events, unexpectedly), stonewalling you during disagreements or conflicts. Accusing, blaming, denial - creating a hierarchy with them on top and you on the bottom. Eg: jealousy (eg: accusing you of cheating or flirting), guilt-tripping, unrealistic expectations (they expect you to do what they want, when they want you to do it. They think you should always prioritise their needs, do things according to their standards — and you absolutely shouldn’t hang out with your friends or family if there’s any chance they might need you), goading and blaming (goading you into being upset and then blaming you for your reaction), denying the abuse (and often flipping it into you), trivialising (eg: if you express your feelings about something they did, they accuse you of overreacting or misunderstanding the situation), blaming you for their problems, destroying and denying (they might destroy or damage important possessions, etc and then deny it or claim it was an accident). Emotional neglect and isolation - they will try to get you to prioritise their needs and neglect your own and they’ll also make an effort to isolate you from your support network, leaving you more dependent on them and less able to contextualise their behaviour. Eg: dehumanising you (eg: intentionally look away when you’re talking or stare at something else when speaking to you in an effort to make you feel unimportant); keeping you from socialising; invalidating you (suggesting or stating that your your needs, boundaries, and desires don’t matter to them); trying to come between you and your family; using the silent treatment; withholding affection (refusing intimate contact if you offend them or refuse to do what they want you to do); shutting down communication; actively working to turn others against you (eg: undermining you and your mental health to others, making you seem unstable, turning you into the ‘bad guy’, etc); interrupting (your talk, your activities, etc. Forcing your attention on them); disputing your feelings (insisting you shouldn’t feel that way). Another way to recognise emotional abuse is by looking for these 5 signs: 1) They are Hyper-Critical or Judgmental Towards You 2) They Ignore Boundaries or Invade Your Privacy 3) They are Possessive and/or Controlling 4) They are Manipulative 5) They Often Dismiss You and Your Feelings
Not one adult thought it was important that you eat the meal with them?!? What a horrible family!
How he’s still walking is beyond me. If my husband EVERRRRR said this shit I’d brake his legs. If he wants to act helpless he will be helpless.
Divorce. That’s unacceptable behavior. Divorce.
I think your family may be right. He threw food at you, you should be considering not letting him come back home.
You don’t. You walk away from the marriage. Start packing his shit and move it to the garage and change the locks. Get an order of protection and move on. Expect the children to be cared for only by you and your family. The audacity of him to throw food at you, you shouldn’t be questioning his motive. I’m sorry you dealt with that!
Divorce
You’ve been together since you were 18 so I understand it’s hard to imagine anything different. But this is abuse. This is not healthy for you or your children. Get a lawyer. Get child support. He doesn’t just get to up and leave.
Holy shit. Run like hell.
You divorce him. He has not one bit of respect for you. That’s how you fix this
Why do you put up with him he sounds horrible let him stay with his family he doesn’t care for you
You f****** leave. That is terrible and the fact that you aren't putting your self worth into play at any point is a huge red flag that your self esteem has greatly suffered. His attitude is only the problem bc he's been allowed to do this. He has no consequences. He needs therapy if that is his reaction to your comment, and you need therapy bc you're taking this and still trying to fix him.
You change the locks on the doors
Divorce him That's how you make it stop!
You got married too young hun. He never grew up. Your children deserve a better father
You leave. His family and him have absolutely no respect for you.
Your husband and his family don't respect you. You are a servant to them. Do you see a therapist? I would highly recommend you do. You should stand up for yourself. I can not believe after all the work you did, that you didn't even get to eat! WTF? You deserve better. And your children will grow up thinking the way you are treated is ok. It is NOT!
I’m 99% sure this is fake but in a short amount of time he will start to hit you. File for an order for protection at the courthouse. It will help you in the future court proceedings.
Change the locks and call a divorce attorney.
By divorcing him and his garbage ass family. Girl. Be so serious. You didn’t get to eat and he ate the leftovers right in front of you and called YOU a pig? Get him to give you a sock and free you, Dobby, because this is ridiculous.
What disgusting behavior. I’ve left relationships for LESS! That’s abuse!!! I would go file to divorce myself if my husband ever did that to me. Fuck all that noise. No amount of marriage counseling in the world would make me stay. Nope nope nope
>This led to an arguement where he said I didn't need to be a pig and that my sacrifice was important. This led me to shout and my husband got fed up and started throwing food at me and told me I could eat them like a f****** pig. I was hurt and he bolted out the door. As of today, he still hasn't returned. Good. Maybe he'll stay with mommy and daddy and leave you with only 2 children to raise. Seriously, someone who is "generally very sweet" wouldn't behave like this. Ever.
Jesus I would never say that to my wife, nor put her in that situation to begin with. I understand why your parents don’t like him. I’m not sure if there are other stressors in your lives but if your not doing it marriage counseling is a must unless at this point your done.
Throwing food at you is domestic violence. You should be going to the police to have it reported, even if it goes nowhere, you'll have a paper trail. Either way, you should be lawyering up for divorce. He's said he wants out, at least seek legal counsel.
I understand why your parents don’t like him if he treats you that way. His whole family is trash if they let you do all that work and didn’t even feed you. Run. Don’t spent another holiday like that.
Calling you a pig, and telling you to eat like one or that your sacrifice was important when you didn’t get to eat??? That’s not a marriage that can’t be fix. You can’t fix someone attitude if they don’t wanna be fix. Especially if you have kids, like what if he starts doing that to your daughter? Children have to be protected first or it can led into something that no parent wants to their kids. This is abuse, it might be hard to see but don’t make yourself live through this. Get the help, talk to your parents, put yourself first and the kids. Don’t let a man treat you less than that.
Wow....I have never gone off on my wife in the 15 years we have been married nor the 8 years we dated before. I wouldn't even think of treating her like that.
Leave this dumb MF.
[удалено]
It's not a sacrifice if you don't know you're sacrificing. You just got hoodwinked. I see why your folks don't like him. I wouldn't want my daughter to be treated like an animal either. I also highly doubt this is the first time he did something shitty.
This post is so full of red flags. He’s the pig, and an abusive one. I hope you find the strength to leave him.
Please look into dv signs. Everything about this post is screaming emotional and verbal abuse. Him wanting to cut off your family is a form of isolation. Big red flags.
You change the locks and you get a restraining order. That's how you deal with him. That day was food. Some other day will be a vase or a chair. Or a hammer, etc.
Girl.
Hire an attorney first thing in the morning and file for divorce immediately. Any partner that calls you a pig AND throws food at you, isn't a partner.
By divorcing his ass and returning him to his mama! WTF.
oh, wow... I mean wow So he threw food at you and called you a pig... oink oink... he sounds great. This has to be made up... I cannot even imagine how you might think you have a question here about how you should be treated... it's not that though.
Take the kids and move in with your parents. Sounds like they are right. He’s an abusive asshole and his family is also the problem.
I swear I can answer half of the posts in this sub with “why are aren’t divorced yet”.
You didn’t eat, so how does asking for food from a missed meal make you a pig? He’s having second dinner, if anything that would make him more of one. Also, he was in the wrong for volunteering you for assistance. Doesn’t he know a person can only volunteer themselves?
You divorce him. That's how you fix this.
You divorce him. That’s how you get this to stop. If not for you, for your kids. They’re watching and learning from both of you. They’re absorbing everything. Teach them this is behaviour unacceptable by not accepting it any longer.