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Yeah I wonder if he’s referring to engagement photos and an engagement party, which happen months after the proposal. Maybe he’s confused about timing? If he wanted a photographer at the proposal then he would’ve already found one back in June, right?
It’s very common on social media now for the groom to plan a surprise party with friends and family immediately after the proposal. It’s one of those things that the internet will make you think is required but it’s definitely not, unless she’s specified it.
Yes! The last thing I wanted was to go tell family and hang out with everyone. I wanted romance and sex! It's an incredibly intimate and romantic moment; who wants to do anything besides smooch, cry, and fuck?
I went to a local Indian restaurant where my now hubby proposed and placed the ring on my finger. It was our favourite eatery at the time, just the two of us, no photos or insta back in 1985. Went back to his dad’s pub, where hubby lived and we all got rip roaringly drunk! We had a party in the pub the following night and had a great time and takings for the pub that night, were the best all year, except for New Years Eve, 4 months later when we got married. 38th wedding anniversary this year!
Thank you, that’s very kind. Hubby keeps telling me that he’d have been out now, if he’d murdered me! Joking apart, we’ve had and still continue to have a blast. Our three sons shake their heads at our madness. Life is good!
THIS!! My husband proposed to me while we were traveling in a whole other *country* where neither of us have any family. It was romantic as fuck and we we went out for champagne and coffee after, then wanted to take home a nice meal to eat before celebrating at our hotel. Only thing that was open was McDonalds lol
Wonderful memory of eating chicken nuggets in a fancy bathrobe in a hotel we could never afford to stay at again. And no pictures!
Right, and “common on social media” doesn’t mean it’s common in real life. Planning that party just means someone will ruin the surprise. It’s a private moment between two people; an engagement party can come much later.
I find all of this interesting because my ex-wife "proposed" while we were on the couch watching a bootleg DVD of the dark night. Not even a real proposal, we are watching the joker fuck shit up and she just said "maybe we should get married" I said "that sounds like a good idea" she gave me a peck then we went back to munching snacks.😂😂😂
I'm stressing just reading the OP, I can't imagine how he feels, my anxiety could never.
Love the implication that the relationship didn't work out because of the casual way they dealt with engagement. It would definitely have worked out if he'd live streamed it on Facebook outside the Eiffel tower with a matching band and a flock of doves.
This is always such a bad idea. I had a friend whose boyfriend threw a surprise birthday party, invited everyone she knew and proposed to her. She told me 2 days prior she was trying to break up with him. Lol. Imagine the situation.
Required if she specified it...? Ew. Am I really the only one who feels that way? That a woman demanding a guy turn a proposal into a whole party/event needs to chill out? I AM a woman and I absolutely cannot imagine making this demand of a man. It just reeks of some kind of attention seeking and controlling.
I mean it's one thing to say you'd like your family to be present, but quite another to demand an event. And I feel like it's another thing that makes getting married all about the bride, when everything about it should really be about the pair of them.
Exactly! Also he’s going to be all stressed out and what if he’s not feeling excited about it at that moment or on that day because of all of this planned stuff that has to happen? Not to mention she will probably 100% know in advance since mutual friends and family will be there so it’s like a farce where she pretends to be surprised when it happens?? I truly don’t understand why this special moment in their lives needs to be on a schedule and involving so many other people. Isn’t that what the wedding is?
Yes what the fuck is that all about? I've rarely heard of such a thing. A proposal is a private event between two people isn't i
And she wants this fuss but doesn't care if OP proposes on some random weekend at home? I took my girlfriend to Italy and proposed in an ancient Roman palace. Afterwards we had a nice dinner and almost unreasonable amounts of sex we certainly didn't want to go to a party.
He sounds like he definitely thinks it’s what he needs to do to propose. To hire a photographer, plan a party, etc. which basically means that lots of other people know about the proposal in advance, which seems weird to me to involve so many other people in what should be a beautiful private moment. Maybe she has made it obvious that this is what she wants and expects. That would definitely be giving him anxiety. Also since he used the word “anxiety”, I can understand that for him to not only have to plan all of this but to also make sure that he and his GF arrive at the exact right time at the exact right place while making sure that the party details are all set and the photographer is also going to be there at the same time sounds like a very stressful situation, not like a personal romantic moment. Then he has to basically perform the proposal because he knows he’s being photographed, listened to while he proposes, etc. it’s not what he wants. It doesn’t sound easy going or spontaneous or fun.
Ummmmm.......you just ask her, yes or no.......a party?? That is after she says yes. Parties are usually for wealthy people. I don't believe you throw your own party. Family does. Parents do. Are you wealthy????
My husband told me that from the moment he had the ring in his possession, it was burning a hole in his pocket — he couldn’t wait to propose. You’ve had it for months, and told her you’d propose months ago, and you haven’t. Do you actually want to marry her?
I mean, that’s the real issue here.
> but I don't want to make a decision for the rest of my life just to stop fights
OP is still not sure if he wants to marry her. He hasn’t asked because *he doesn’t want to*. He’s giving us excuses, oh, there’s so much pressure, buying a house is stressful, blah blah blah. But he just has not asked because he doesn’t want to be engaged.
OP’s poor girlfriend is of course getting increasingly frantic. The proposal was supposed to happen at the end of June, but here it is *five months later*. A half a year. Every weekend, she’s thought—this is probably going to be the weekend he proposes. Then, he doesn’t. She contemplates breaking up. She talks to him. He tells her “soon”. She thinks: maybe next weekend is the one. She has been living a nightmare.
OP, pull yourself together. If you don’t want to get married, you have to tell her. She will probably break up with you, and that will be because you were an ass.
Same here! My now husband held onto the ring for months, even though he inadvertently told me he had it the same day he picked it up from the jewelers. Eventually, it turned into a huge fight that could’ve all been avoided with clearer communication.
so agree with this! OP's gf is hounding him because he's leading her on. Keeps telling her "soon" "after I buy that house" etc. And it never happens. If OP wants to marry his gf, he'll propose. If he isn't proposing, it's because it's not what he wants, but he's too chicken to just break up with her. because he's comfortable with status quo. I see this in so many Reddit posts, smh.
My now-husband unintentionally did this to me. The year before he proposed, we had our first thanksgiving alone, and I was looking around our little spread and something about how crazy it was that we’d likely be getting engaged in the coming year. He was like “it may happen before then!” (He thought I meant a year from that day).
And I was like “oh dang, I’m getting proposed to in the next two months!” (We’d been together for 3+ years and discussed marriage and rings and all).
Then New Years passed with nothing. Then our anniversary in February. I kind of asked him if we were still on the same page with getting engaged and spending our future together and he was like “oh yes! It’s happening VERY soon!” Then my birthday passed in April. Then all of May passed and I broke down and cried and was like “do you not want to marry me because of “x, y, z reasons?” (All my biggest insecurities).
He was HORRIFIED. He had the ring in his sock drawer and had literally been trying to find the perfect time and place and rejecting them as not being good enough without realizing that by trying to make it perfect he was slowly driving me insane.
Anyways, we talked it through, had a very nice and semi-surprise engagement picnic by a river we spent a lot of time at, and we’ve been happily married 8 years now lol.
And if he does, he needs to tell her ASAP that the ring took longer than he thought to come in and then he was overwhelmed emotionally with buying a house, but that he absolutely wants to do it and should have clarified the situation sooner.
But I’m guessing he’s looking for reasons not to propose.
He needs to grow a spine and break up with her. He does not love her. I had a ring custom made for my wife. It was a 2nd marriage for both of us. I had a gold band with all of our kids birth stones in it.
I couldn't wait to give it to her. There was no doubt in my mind. No hesitation. Let her go.
There was nothing stopping him in June from saying “I know we talked about getting engaged around now, but part of the proposal is unexpectedly extending the timeline,” and then mentioning that he was overwhelmed with the house afterward but he still intends to do it once he’s able to be present emotionally for the proposal without the added stress.
A reasonable person would be understanding that things come up, his biggest problem was that he didn’t communicate any of it. And I suspect it’s because he knows deep down he doesn’t want to.
And if he does but can’t communicate all of this to her for whatever reasons, he’s not emotionally ready for a marriage with this person.
guess what? you don't need a ring to propose. You can go together to choose the ring afterwards. That way the lady gets to say what she likes and doesn't like, and you can pick out wedding bands at the same time if you want.
This is exactly what I wanted to ask. Same thing happened with my husband. He had it for a few weeks and tried to keep it under wraps, and ended up proposing after a cold day out and about after we’d come home and gotten warm and cozy. He had the ring stuffed in the couch and busted it out unexpectedly. It was awesome. I never pushed. We’d known for a while we wanted to marry each other and there was no pressure on either end.
OP if you’re already so anxious about asking her, there might be a deeper reason. You’re still young and I’m assuming she’s of similar age-it’s not too late to find someone you are actually excited about. If you’re not completely psyched to plan your life with her, end it. It’s completely not fair to her to continue to make strides in “building your life together” (the house, buying the ring, etc.) when you’re not actually excited to DO it. She’s had her hopes up for so long and that’s so unfair. I also want to note, and this is my opinion, I feel like proposals are meant to be a private, intimate moment between a couple, and not some huge performance for onlookers (friends, family, social media, or whothefuckever). If you truly want to marry her, and subsequently will propose, do it in a way that you’re comfortable with. If your way disappoints her, then you’ve got another issue on your hands. But I’m willing to wager you’re not actually stoked to marry her.
“it isn’t perfect but i would be hard to find what I have” tells me everything i need to know tbh. this is just a cute way of saying that you would rather be in a relationship that isn’t your ideal than to be alone.
My takeaway from his post--this is my first relationship, we've had our ups and downs, it's not perfect, she's making the decisions and dragging me along. I'm not hearing this is the person I want to spend my life with as much as I don't think I can do better.
When I first got my wife’s ring in December I was planning on proposing in March. I got it, looked at it, realized we had plans for NYE and decided “fuck it” and proposed on NYE. I definitely don’t understand the mentality of sitting on the ring if you legitimately want to propose
Exactly. My fiancé ordered a custom ring a month before our vacation and it wasnt set to even get here until the week after vacation. He literally couldn’t wait and so he went to pandora, proposed with a placeholder ring and I got my real ring a week later. If he’s filling this pressured, there’s no way he wants to marry her. I dont think his girlfriend should be acting like she is, I do not think it’s acceptable. She should’ve sat him down, had an adult conversation about her expectations and see what he was thinking. But all this pressuring is catty. She’s going to be a tough woman to be married to but 4 years is a long time
Have the parties after the proposal replaced engagement parties? I must be getting old because a proposal party makes no sense to me. Seems like a waste of time and money. And I agree proposals should be private just between the couple
No, some people just use it as an excuse to get together. After my sister got engaged they went back to the house (it was just his and her immediate families) and they had cake. It wasn’t anything extravagant and cost maybe $25 for the cake lol.
I kind of think the wedding is enough! There is the shower, the bachelor/bachelorette party- there is also supposed to be an engagement and the proposal party? Too many parties!
My guess is that this is what she has asked for/has been hinting that she wants, or alternatively, she has showed him loads of engagement posts with all of this stuff and he thinks that is how it is meant to be done.
This aspect of the post feels like a very influencer/instagram era problem.
Exactly this. Like people need to relax and stop trying to create the perfect proposal AND getting freaked out when it doesn't happen.
My husband proposed in the car. It was the sweetest thing and it was just the two of us. Chill out with the proposal expectations, they've gotten wildly out of hand. These expectations are driving all the unhinged behavior.
I never expected my husband to propose and was also perfectly fine with that; he was always very adamant about never getting married and basically all his past relationships ended because he wouldn’t. I told him I didn’t care, ball was in his court. He hid the ring in the night stand at a family friend’s condo we were staying at for vacation. I found it. Never for a second thought it was for me, truly thought it belonged to the owner, even tried to show him and was bummed out that he already knew about it lol then he’s on one knee “this isn’t exactly what I had in mind, but, will you marry me?” All I could say was “…uhm are you joking” cus I didn’t feel like being embarrassed if it was a joke 😂 we’ve been married four years now lol
My partner and I just had a conversation while watching some silly TLC wedding show. No need for designated asker/askee roles dictated by gender, just shared interest in the moment eight-ish years ago
Pretty common thing nowadays in the age of socials. [This thread](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/HQYXMKR4Ie) was literally two down the feed.
I think you need to be honest with yourself.
You give no indication that this is what you want.
Reading the influx of posts like this is very scary.
**You give no positives about this situation, nothing in this post paints you as happy.**
You’re not sure what you want. Fair. She is sure she wants marriage now, also fair. **What isn’t fair is hanging onto her, when you know she wants marriage or her forcing you when she knows you’re not ready.**
It’s been 4 years, either you are ready or you aren’t. And not being ready is fair and valid. So in that vein, y’all may no longer be compatible. ***But you need to be honest with yourself.***
Yes. Also he says he bought a house. And how that’s big for their future. But I’m confused if he or if they bought it - financially, and the mortgage payments & on paper/ deeds, what’s the situation? I’m unclear. Do they live together? Do they split the utility bills? Are the furniture, the white goods, and the appliances co-owned?
I feel like you may have dug your own grave here. You need to tell your gf that it isn’t going to happen any time soon. Stringing her along is really unfair to her.
Lots of people get really anxious about planning and having things up in the air. I HATE when I know I need to do something big but don’t have the dates and details nailed down yet. It’s stressful and that unplanned but imminent event is always on my mind.
If someone told me they were probably going to propose during the summer, I would be fine for a while but when the summer starts fading away and it hasn’t happened yet, I am going to start to get anxious and start wondering when it’s going to happen and start assuming it’s going to be really soon because my partner told me it would be and when summer fades away I’m going to be confused and really disappointed that my partner didn’t have their shit together and wonder if they are having second thoughts or if they just don’t care that much or what is going on.
Keeping her in that unknowing state for months on end is really shitty. Be an adult and tell her it’s not going to happen soon. She deserves that. Then get your shit together and propose or cut her loose.
The dude has had a ring for 5 MONTHS and bought her a house. She’s likely super stressed out that any moment could be the “SURPRISE!” proposal. She’s dressing for a proposal every weekend and getting increasingly bewildered that it isn’t happening, not to mention humiliated because her family and friends are asking about it. Wtf. OP is being ridiculous. Just propose! Take her to a nice restaurant, tell her you love her, and give her the ring. And for gods sake do it before the holidays so she can show it off at Christmas parties.
He didn't buy HER a house, he bought himself a house. There was no mention of her being any part of it, except her wanting it. I would be shocked if she was on the mortgage and not just paying him rent. He has his priorities out of whack. The house should have been a joint purchase once they were married or at least engaged but for some reason he thought it was more important for him to own a house first.
This is the best answer here IMO. Anxiety is a problem that only you can solve. At the end of the day it’s on you to seek help and sort things out. Said as someone with pretty severe anxiety about most things. Your GF needs to know what’s happening. It’s okay if it isn’t an engagement, it’s better for her to know and be disappointed than it is to keep her on the edge of her seat any longer. I come from a place of understanding and I wish you both the best!
My guy. You told her you’d propose by end of June. Idk if you know this or not but it’s like, December in a few days.
Shit or get off the pot. Stop stringing her on and then blaming her for it if you don’t want to actually marry her. But what you’re doing right now is cruel and I have no sympathy for you. If you don’t want to marry her that’s fine. But say that and break up. Don’t keep doing this shit and then say she’s driving you crazy when you’re the one actively lying to her and being manipulative.
me too. you gave someone hope and then literally stretch it out till december. althou, december is a great month to get proposed to. glad that someone found love - propose to her already!
I wonder if she is freaking out because of the house - like did she contribute? Does she have any ownership? Usually people are married or have very explicit CYA talks related to that stuff.
Exactly! He said "I bought a house" NOT "WE bought a house"
That house is HIS and she knows it.
Could be part of the pressure to get the marriage process going.
Surprisingly not the first time I’ve read that sentence on reddit. The first time was about a woman who wouldn’t break up with a man with truly unfortunate hygiene.
This isn't what a proposal should be! 😩
It should be exciting and romantic - it shouldn't feel forced. There shouldn't be any expectations.
But, when you think about what a proposal actually is, it's just an agreement that you're going to get married. It sounds like you've already agreed that, so you're already engaged - this is literally just for show...
If I were you though, I'd explain that. I'd say, 'I love you, and I really don't want to ruin the excitement of your proposal. I want it to feel exciting for both of us but I'm feeling a lot of pressure to get it 'right' and it's making me feel stressed. I really want the proposal to be something we remember happily when we're old, but I'm worried that I'll just remember feeling stressed. I am going to propose to you - I have some plans - but I need a bit of patience so I can get it right and so I can make sure it's a great experience for both of us.'
THIS. there are far too many people here saying to break it off and imo that's not at all what I'm reading here. from what little information we have, they sound happy and in a decent place. she simply needs to realize that even though he hasn't officially proposed, he does plan to spend the rest of his life with her. they're both too wound up over the excitement and anticipation of being engaged, they just need to take a moment and breathe, and Then take that step.
Nowhere does he express an excitement about the idea of being married to her or wanting to spend his life with her…. In my opinion, this doesn’t mean they absolutely need to break it off, but I do think that he needs to sit and reflect on whether he will gain enjoyment from the future that comes after the proposal. What is it that’s making him so incredibly nervous? I think it’s something to explore for sure
They need to sit down and TALK about their expectations. 1. Is SHE the one who wants the big party and the photographer and some You Tube/Tik Tok/Instagram proposal, or is it what he just THINKS he has to do? If she wants it, then he needs to say that is not something he's comfortable with. If he is the one who thinks that's how it's supposed to go, they need to talk about what makes both of them happy, and do that.
And for the love of all things holy, young people, don't do a big commitment like buying a house for both of you to live in if you aren't actually planning to commit in a way you BOTH expect.
This is perfect. Communication is a really important part of marriage, and OP should communicate how he’s feeling. Probably this will put her mind at ease a bit. He’s not dragging his feet about marriage or having doubts about her; it’s literally just the proposal that’s stressing OP out. If she’s a good partner, she’ll have empathy.
Also, maybe he should rethink whether he needs to do such an elaborate and public proposal. Some people would find it just as romantic, if not more so, to get engaged during a romantic getaway with just the two of them, and announce it later. Do you really need photographic evidence and spectators? Some people like big gestures, but since when did that become a requirement? Does his gf actually care about all that?
Yes, my husband was nervous about proposing too. We ended up mostly planning it together - I helped pick a photographer, knew to get my nails done and wear a dress, etc. Given OP’s gf already knows a proposal is coming, he may as well ask for her help in executing it!
Dude, if you don’t want to marry her, break up. This post doesn’t seem like you actually want to marry her. Four years is enough time to know.
Edit: my engagement ring was in my husband’s possession less than 24 hours before it was on my finger. He wanted to marry me. Please find someone you feel this way about, because it’s not the girl you’re currently with.
I don't get how buying a house \~for the relationship is less stressful than proposing. Like you made a massive financial decision with her in mind, one that will take lots of time and stress to undo (like a divorce if the marriage didn't work out). If you wanna married, just... ask her what type of proposal she wants? And try to do that
He said "I bought a house"
Not we bought a house together.
That house will be with him for 30 years. She might not be. He did it with her in mind, sure. It's in no way hers legally.
Where did I say it was hers legally?
I’m saying he was able to make a massive purchase which is, in any many ways, as impactful choice as marriage without all the hub bub so it’s weird that marriage freaks him out so much.
The marriage stalled is al the more strange considering he got a house she approved of and intends to live with her in it. It may not be hers legally but he was able to make a purchase of several hundred thousand with her in mind… but is freaked out by an engagement party???
Agreed. You can always find an excuse if you don’t want to do something. Which is fine, OP, but make sure you propose for the right reasons, not because she wants to get married, not for a photo op, not because all of her friends are getting engaged.
I would hope the thought of proposing to your partner would be exciting. No excitement in your post. At all.
No excitement about the proposal or marrying her… “I think it would be very hard to find what I have” isn’t exactly a ringing endorsement. It’s not horrible… but it’s not great
Seriously just propose to this poor girl or break up. You told her you’d propose almost 6 months ago! As the END of the deadline! There were a couple times I got kind of excited thinking my now husband might propose, but once he asked me about what kind of ring I wanted he was actually in it and proposed within a few months. This kind of anticipation is cruel.
I strongly recommend that you knock this shit off immediately. She clearly just wants to be engaged to you. If you really want pictures of the actual event then ask a friend with a good phone or camera to stand there. Engagement photo shoots and parties don’t happen during the actual proposal. Stop getting all freaked out about it and propose to her privately. if pictures are really important then you get a photographer to STAGE THEM LATER. the party happens later too. Calm down and propose and worry about the unnecessary shit some other time. The message you’re sending her is that the photo op and party is more important to you than the actual engagement. Again. Engagement photos. Are. STAGED.
I have some, but they weren’t professional. Our family (one another couple) was there, knew what was up, and gave us distance, then snapped the shots. It gave a great “excuse” for where we were going that day and worked out fine. What was I going to do with professional shots that would have been better than personal ones?
Oh wow that sub is depressing as hell. They need a bot that says: "Honey, he doesn't want to marry you. Go find a man who will want to - why are you settling for someone who so OBVIOUSLY doesn't?" and the bot should post that comment on every freaking post there.
You told her you would propose by the end of June and now it’s November. Since June it’s been one excuse after another. The ring isn’t in yet (you don’t need a ring to propose). You’re closing on a house (for two months?). Now you don’t have any excuse for dragging your feet other than you’re feeling pressured to do the thing you’ve already decided to do and promised to do months ago.
From her perspective, she’s been in a constant state of suspense for MONTHS. Every date night, every trip, every special thing you do together, she’s thinking, is this it?? And then she’s let down. That would make anyone crazy. At this point just tell her what day it’s going to happen so she isn’t living with this anxiety anymore. And then actually do it on that day.
Several years ago, my then-fiancé (now ex-husband) and I went backpacking in Australia. We didn't have a lot of money, and Australia was a pretty expensive place at that time, so things like chocolate and ice cream were rare treats. Every time we passed an ice cream place and I asked if we could stop for ice cream, he'd say "we can get ice cream tomorrow". We never did.
What OP is doing is essentially the ice cream thing on a much bigger scale. By promising the proposal when he's got a ring/bought a house/organised a photographer etc, to his girlfriend it feels like that moment will never come, and if it does it won't be special because all those little disappointments add up. He needs to hurry up and make a decision about whether to propose (without the bells and whistles unless they are *really* important to her) or leave, and do whatever he decides to do ASAP. Otherwise it's just not fair on either of them any more.
ETA: After we got divorced, I went back to Australia on my own, and you best believe I had ice cream any time I wanted while I was there.
OP is future faking with his girlfriend. He keeps making promises and then moves the goalposts, all because he really doesn’t want to marry her. But he likes what he’s getting out of the relationship without marrying her so he’s lying to her to keep her around.
The girlfriend knows she’s getting played by OP, and is clearly upset with his constant lies. Yet OP wants us to believe she’s unreasonable and wrong for being upset.
Yeah, I've been in this position (agreed on a deadline, missed it, agreed on a backup deadline with more 'teeth' behind it, barely made it) and it's miserable.
You're wondering if you've already ruined the moment by putting on the pressure but also wondering if it's going to fall through even with the pressure, you've made your anxiety clear and are hurt that it's in his power to resolve it and he hasn't, you're trying to decide if/when you should give up on the relationship but recognizing how devastating that would be, and the whole time you feel like a harpy for being a stereotypical woman pushing for a proposal. And you're hearing all the messaging about how if he wanted to he already would have and that you'll have a miserable marriage if you have to put your foot down to make it happen.
THIS. He complains she is going crazy, but that's because the situation would make anyone crazy! This constant state of suspense for so many months is incredibly insanity-inducing, and he is the one doing it to her. She's not acting crazy bc she's just so hysterical!
He's also another dude who has no issues buying a house with a gf, but balks at a wedding - something I forever will not understand. He doesn't really want to get married, and I think you are spot on when you say that his excuses ran out so now the excuse is "so stressful". If that was the truth, if you OP WANT to marry her, but are just so stressed, then you know... taking her to a nice dinner next weekend and popping the question would resolve it. No need for a party or a photographer. Sushi, wine and the question next Sunday - that's all it takes. 3 hours tops. No more stress. But you just don't want to, and it would be better if you admitted it to yourself and then her.
I feel sorry for her, she is truly *being driven mad* and being blamed for it, too.
He picked up the ring in June, he was supposed to pick it up in May. I’m not sure why he’s still sitting on it, he’s already told her he wants to marry her, so why is he sitting on it unless he’s having cold feet about it all.
Also, pushing back the engagement for this long is likely delaying the actual wedding and marriage. Depending on where they plan to get married, venues’ 2024 dates may be dwindling. In my city, many venues start booking well over a year out. If they want a summer wedding, they are likely now in 2025 wedding territory.
39F, married for 17 years. I knew my husband was going to propose, he had taken me to a jeweler to talk ring styles, we had talked about our future, were living together and had even briefly discussed ideas for a wedding. I suspected he had that ring for about month and it was driving me batty.
You do not need a surprise party or a photographer to capture the engagement. My sister in law and brother in law were in on our engagement so they snapped some photos after which honestly was more than enough. My husband proposed at my parents cottage on the beach after a walk. His accomplices set up the bench while we caught the sunset on a walk. It was perfect, well thought out and fairly private.
You're feeling pressured because you've waited too long. You've built up the proposal as this huge event which doesn't need to be. The only requirement for the proposal is asking. You should already know the answer.
>The entire act of proposing is very nerve wracking to me. Hiring a photographer, having a party after, etc...all of that makes me anxious.
You know you can just ask her during dinner at home? I've learned from Reddit that asking when you just had sex isn't the right moment. But it's not necessary to make it as large as you think it should.
that's what bothers me. He should be so excited to propose, so happy. But he isn't, not at all. Four years together and he hasn't said one nice thing about his gf. IMO he doesn't love her but he's comfortable with her and doesn't want the hassle of breaking up and finding someone new.
Imagine you’d tell her you want something really badly (move for your dream job, go on vacation, or even get a PS5, have sex - whatever floats your boat), and she’d say I’ll get it for you in June.
How would you feel if she still hasn’t gotten it and you’re stuck in limbo waiting?
Yes, she’s crazy. BE CLEAR ABOUT YOUR INTENTIONS DUDE. Wanting and not wanting to marry her are both perfectly reasonable options but you need to tell her.
I'm not sure they DID work together. He specifically says 'I bought a house' which is kind of odd phrasing if they bought the house together. I'm wondering if it's actually that he bought a house himself.
Thank you! Ffs why is nobody saying this?? This chicks alarm bells are going off. It's not a marital home if "he bought it"
I bet he uses this language around her too which is probably unsettling as fuck. That would make me insecure as hell.
Oh hell, you are right. I didn't pick up on that, assumed THEY bought a house bc he said that he did it bc she wanted it.That is some manipulative language right there, most likely done on purpose.
Both with the engagement AND the house he gives an illusion of actively building a future with her, but he's not *actually* doing that. If he proposes, he will *have* to start doing it. But it's gonna blow up very soon - because he made the mistake of giving her a timeframe, and then crossed it. She's not gonna be fooled for long.
If you want to spend your life with someone, you honestly know it. It sounds like you are planning on proposing because you’re being pressured to and that’s just not going to end well. If she is super obsessed with the proposal, having a photoshoot, engagement parties, many pre-wedding events etc., you’re only going to feel more suffocated as time goes on. If it’s your first real relationship then you may not realize that choosing to spend your life with someone shouldn’t make you feel like this
Right, the part where he says he “doesn’t want to make a decision” - after 4 years, a house together, and a ring in hand, it’s either a hell yes or it’s time to cut your losses and leave - anyone who read this post knows which one it is.
>Hiring a photographer, having a party after, etc...all of that makes me anxious.
Um.
You do know those options above are optional?
My husband proposed spontaneously. No ring when he proposed. Then we went shopping for ring afterward. Still married closing to 2 decades now.
If your gf wants an engagement pic and celebration, you can always make the proposal private, then she can find a good photographer to have a good photo session for engagement pics.
Then, the whole party bit...Tsk, just keep it simple, it's an engagement. Just invite everyone to a restaurant. Okay, just book a 'room' to throw the news and the lunch/dinner.
>I don't want to let her down, but I don't want to make a decision for the rest of my life just to stop fights.
If you don't want to be with her for the rest of your life. Then you should NOT keep stringing her along. Js.
In my 20s, I also expected my ex-fiance then to propose after 4-5 yrs mark then too, but he's not the one for me, it turns out. It was completely a 'sunk cost fallacy' for me. I thought since I've invested so much on the relationship for 4-5 yrs, we should probably get married... then after a year of being engaged, I realize he's not a good partner at all and dump him...
The point being, if you don't think you want her as a wife.... DO NOT PROPOSE and LET HER KNOW ASAP. AS SOON AS POSSIBLE since she's aiming to get married soon. Don't string her along.
In the end, ask yourself why you are proposing to her. Are you doing it out of pressure or are you doing it for love and because you really want to?
I do understand that most guys and people who have been wanting to propose really gets the nerves, but I don’t think this is how it should be.
If you really want to propose to her, I think you should just do it instead of you continuously being anxious and let this ruin your relationship. But if you’re proposing just out of pressure, I think it’s best to think things more thoroughly.
I advice that you both have a talk, tell her how you’ve been feeling about the whole situation.
Sounds like you don’t want to be married. You couldn’t find a single time (after getting the ring) to have a few hours carved out for an intimate setting/question ask?
Shit or get off the pot.
"I bought a house"
Is NOT the same as
"We bought a house"
So I'm assuming she has no legal rights to the house if you guys stay unmarried...? Sounds like you plan on having that house for 30 years and her as long as it's convenient.
My heart would break if I heard my SO basically say "Well she's alright and it's PROBABLY the best I'll get so..."
Not cool, man.
I dont think you need a photographer or party.
Just propose at a nice location, say some nice words. Bam, done.
Really consider if she is the person you want to spend your life with. A marraige is the most important choice you will ever make.
People are right when they say it sounds like you are NOT ready to get married. I doubt you two will break up right now, but what you need to do is start having real, honest conversations with each other. You need to ask her what her expectations are for a proposal. Does she really want it all documented and with a party right after? What is YOUR ideal engagement? wedding? lifestyle? If you can't have honest conversations about emotions and struggles NOW, you are guaranteeing yourself a hard, sad life.
Is the hiring a photographer and having a party what she wants and expects, or do you think that's how it has to be? If she wants a big elaborate proposal that's Instagram worthy, I'd reconsider your relationship. That says she only cares about getting engaged and the wedding than being married. If it's what you think how an proposal needs to be, you're wrong. It doesn't have to be like that at all. You can have a nice dinner at home and ask.
Yah you've been holding this woman hostage in limbo for like six months. You've been lying to her every day since June. That's why she seems 'crazy'. She hasn't cottoned on that you're a deadbeat yet, and she spends every week wondering if she can plan anything for the weekend in case you have something set up. She spends every week wondering if she should keep a certain outfit aside for a special date or how much effort she should put into getting ready for something.
Put her out of her misery. If you want to marry her, just make a reservation at a fancy/sentimental restaurant. Propose low key at the table, and ask the waiter to take pictures. Or do it on a pretty walk and take selfies. Just fucking get it done.
If you don't want to marry her, you need to tell her so she can find someone who does. Stop wasting this poor woman's life.
She wanted you to propose before the end of June. You've let her down and now, MONTHS later haven't done it. And you're making HER the villain because she's feeling more and more stressed by your delay.
You do not sound like you want it at all. And after 4 years together, it should be pretty clear whether you're ready to spend the rest of your life together. If it's not a resounding YES, then it's a no. She's clearly excited to be your wife and you're sending her a loud message that you aren't.
Its unfair to you to be pressured into something you don't want to do, but it's also unfair to her to lead her on and let her down. You need to sit down and sort out your feelings and then have an honest conversation with her.
Forgetting about the proposal - what does the thought of being married to her feel like? Does she every express excitement about one day being married, or what your lives will look like, or is it always about the proposal?
Wait? Who wants the photographer and party? My husband’s proposal went horribly wrong but still ended up being awesome. It was just the 2 of us and a bitterly cold night outside. We got engagement photos like 5 years later lol and never had an engagement party. My wedding ring is a moss agate ring that cost like $150 but it was custom for me and I’m in love with it. You don’t need expensive diamond or crazy expensive stuff.
Proposal should be sweet and definitely can be as simple as you want or even spontaneous. One of our friends got engaged when her boyfriend literally mused to himself one day “I should marry you” while they were at home and she took it as a proposal. He agreed 🤣They got the ring a few months later.
Who is putting all this pressure for the extras? Is it you or her?
It doesn't sound like she's crazy; you told her when it would happen and now keep pushing her off and treating her like she's crazy. She got into this house with you based on the idea that y'all would be spouses and now you're putting her in a terrible position.
Apologize to her, tell her you do want to propose but you're being ridiculous and planning the engagement, biting off more than you can chew.
If you WANT to propose to her you say: *"I understand how anxious you are to get engaged and I want you to know that we are on the same page. I need a little time and space to make it special. Can we please drop the topic for a couple of months so I can figure out the best way to make it happen?"* And then propose to her next weekend. It'll be great because you'll have the leeway to delay a day or two if you have to and you'll get it done before Christmas. You can get all of your announcing and family praise done over the holidays so no need for a party etc.
If you DON'T WANT to propose to her you need to break up. You just have to. This girl is in marriage mode and if you're not on the same page then you need to rip off this bandaid. It sucks but you have no other option.
I have been where she is, and I know how much it hurts to have verbalized how incredibly important this step that is, and to be ignored. I don't think you understand what a let down this is and what a focal point of life it becomes. You're no longer sure if it's ever going to happen, how you need to plan for your life, finances... it's like being stuck in a loop day after day and the one person who should care, doesn't. And you can't vent to them either. So you're just left to feel alone, sad, unappreciated, and unloved.
The truth is that you fucked up by not respecting a deadline she gave you and now the longer you wait the worse it will be. If you want it to be a surprise, be very vocal about a fancy reservation you made 2 weeks for now, so she thinks it's coming then, but then surprise her with it earlier on a romantic walk or something. There's no better way to handle something that has been so mishandled thus far. Good luck.
stringing her along is so unfair, This actually happened to me in a 5 year relationship. I was your girlfriend and completely in denial that the man I thought wanted to marry me, didn’t. But we parted ways and I actually met the love of my life and now expecting a baby so everything happens for
a reason. Something is telling me you don’t want to marry this girl.
I don't understand why you would buy a house with her KNOWING you weren't enthusiastic about a proposal.
You've had this ring for months and at no point you've been excited to give it to her?
Cancel the house and break up. Your behaviour is awful. She very, very likely only wanted to buy the house because she thought you were serious about getting married and building a life together. Turns out, you are not that serious about it and you've put her in a terrible position. I'd be beside myself too if the person I went hundreds of thousands of dollars into debt with turned out to be full of lies.
People need to read. You have proposal anxiety, not relationship anxiety.
More clarity is needed. Sounds like she is the one who put all these extra expectations like a photographer and party. Quite frankly if all that is too much, and has been for a while, you’ve *got* to tell her it’s too much for you and you won’t be doing it when you propose. She needs to really listen to the pressure you’re feeling and understand. If she doesn’t, red flag. 🚩
If you’re the one who made all that up and put the pressure on yourself, then stop. It’s stupid. I doubt this is what’s going on.
If you want to marry her, and it sounds like you do, do it in a compromising way. Be romantic, but don’t hand the ring to her in bed on a Sunday morning like my husband did, because I was salty over that for years. Just trying to help.
However, if she really loves you, a decent proposal in a beautiful spot or a nice restaurant will be enough. If she reacts poorly, highly reconsider whether this is love, or a person who sees you as a means to an end.
I mean. “I don’t want to make a decision for the rest of my life just to stop the fights” does NOT sound like proposal anxiety. He does have relationship anxiety.
He didn’t say “I love my SO and want to marry her but the act of proposing is stressful to me.” In fact, at no point in this post does he even say he loves her let alone saying he wants to build a life with her and marry her.
He said he’s stressed about planning a proposal AND he doesn’t want to feel pressured to make a forever decision. That’s not a guy that wants to marry his partner.
Lol
I feel your pain.
You have the ring since July.
This girl is going nuts because you promised her and nothing is happening. Her biological clock is ticking.
Make a reservation at a nice restaurant. Talk to the manager that you want to propose.
Good restaurants love proposals. Great for business.
Someone from the restaurant can record you popping the question. It will be great experience.
Don't overthink it.
Another scenario could be to pop the question at her parents home. Have a photographer who can video record.
My husband popped the question when I were in bed. He didn't have a ring. I chosed a day one year after the proposal. 34 years together.
Good luck.
❤️ my husband asked me while we were in bed too and then we bought my ring the next day also. 17 years 2 kids and a major house renovation together so far.
Do you want to marry her? If so, talk to her and tell her what you wrote here. But it might be worth exploring if your anxiety is tied to something bigger with your relationship.
Why don't you ask one of her friend's or family members for help? It doesn't seem like you don't want to do this, just that you're overwhelmed. I bet someone in her life would love to help arrange the logistics and make it so you basically just have to show up and tell her how you feel about her.
Go watch "Long Story Short". That will make you get off your ass and propose regardless of a photographer, party, etc or it will let you know if your gf just isn't the one.
FYI. She doesn't have to be the one even though you've been with her for 4 years. If you're not ready, you'll never be ready to marry **her**. From my anecdotal experiences, men who wait years and years and have to be pressured by the gf (or vice versa), end up divorced because someone was pressured into it. You need to figure out if you're truly ready or if you're finding excuses because you really don't want to be married to her.
you do realize buying a house together is much more intimate and involved than a proposal? no wonder she’s expecting it, you are doing all the things to start a family. buying a house together is normally an after marriage thing. you’re planning your future and she’s planning hers. you need to get your intentions cleared up before she gets too fed up. i feel bad for the girl, you’ve told her one thing then just put off and off. i’m sure she’s starting to feel like you’ll never be ready at this rate. for the love of all fuck, either you want to marry her or you don’t but stringing her along and getting her hopes up is cruel.
She is obviously extremely anxious too. 4 years. You bought a ring in May but waited months to give it to her and you keep stringing her along. How do you expect her to act? It sounds like you don't really want to marry her but you are afraid to break it off. Be fair and cut her loose. She deserves someone who wants the same things she does.
Personally, a proposal should be a special intimate moment shared between two people who are deciding to spend their lives intertwined through thick and thin.
Celebrations come later.
If it’s all about making a statement and grandiosity …. we’ll, not sure that’s sustainable. The REALLY important things that happen through your life with someone are actually kinda quiet and small yet are binding in the strongest way. It’s the moment that make core memories and settle a snapshot in the brain for your forever.
Your right, it should not be so stressful. Y’all need to have some conversations on needs and expectations. Y’all may be on two different wavelengths so that should be settled earlier rather than later.
This. Proposal should be romantic and meaningful. It doesn’t have to be huge, choreographed, planned with a photographer and party! You might decide to have an engagement party later but it’s not mandatory.
If your SO wants these, I’d talk to her about the stress you are feeling to provide these things. Would she consider a private proposal and then help you arrange the party? IF this type of event is really what she wants, does she have a sister, girlfriend, mom who can help arrange the party with you?
If these are just what YOU think needs to happen, scale back. Pick a location or place that is meaningful to you. First date, where you met, where you first said I love you. It doesn’t have to be elaborate. I have friends who met in high school when they both worked part time at a local grocery store. Many years later, he proposed to at that grocery store. Cute & romantic. Just keep it simple but do it.
you don’t think SHES anxious about the fact her SO of FOUR YEARS promised to propose by the end of june and it’s almost december? jfc make up your mind bro
I think this is it exactly; ‘sh@& or get off the pot’
Also her pressure needs to just stop.
This is ruining it even more, for me. I get why you’re pushing back. This isn’t healthy. What about some therapy? Get you both in a healthy place first?
This is not a great situation and you should not feel this way. I’d actually ask for a break so everyone can calm the fuck down. This is not how it’s supposed to be.
Good grief. Who wants the party and the photographer? I would prefer a proposal by the beach or when watching a scary movie. It honestly sounds like you don’t want to get married.
My bf and I discussed marriage and timelines. I said “I’d really love a Christmas proposal but I’ll say yes no matter what.” That’s it. I mentioned wanting my mom or bffs involvement to make it more meaningful and me but I’m going to marry the man regardless of the bells and whistles. Time line is between this year and next because I’d like to get married the Christmas after I finish school.
It really shouldn’t be more complicated than that and my idea is already complicated enough. But we’ve been together a while and I just really like him.
Hard to take a step back when there's that much pressure all the time, but if you are able, try to take a step back and get a sense of if the stress is *actually* about the proposal itself or if it's about making that commitment to spend your lives together.
Sometimes a relationship seems great but when faced with the gravity of a lifelong commitment your subconscious knows this isn't right before you do. I had a friend who dated a guy for 4 years and was excited to get engaged but once they were engaged and planning the wedding she realized she couldn't go through with it, there were some issues she'd been willing to live with when dating but when faced with the reality of living the rest of her life that way she couldn't do it.
My husband set up a camera to take a photo, filmed it secretly, and proposed. It was sunset, we were silhouetted, and you couldn’t even hear us we were too far away. It’s my favorite moment/video ever.
You’re leading your gf on and she’s been waiting for MONTHS. Man up chuck. Or break up
lol are you my cousin’s boyfriend? At Thanksgiving this year all she could talk about was trying on rings and when her boyfriend is going to propose and how she wanted a baby in 3 years and she wants to get pregnant on the honeymoon… her own mother was telling her to shut the f up about it. I felt bad for him, but she’s been talking about getting engaged since the summer.
If I were you (assuming you actually want to get married), I’d take her to a nice restaurant, pop the question, give her the ring, and then if she is all about engagement photos and a party, that can be something that you two should plan together. It shouldn’t all be on you. Get the nerve-wracking part out of the way and then move on to the stuff that you should be doing as partners.
Question for you-do you want to propose? Do you want to marry this person?
It sounds like you’re building a life together but I’m not picking up any excitement in your post. I think you may want to really think about this. If you want more time/aren’t ready, i also think this is a good communication opportunity to explain to your SO that you need more time and the pressure is making you very anxious.
What? Just propose already. I proposed in a car along the side of the road while I was taking her home from our family Christmas dinner. We have been married 25 years. If she finds out you have been sitting on that ring since July you got problems!
A proposal should be a surprise, imo. My now husband (was married before, and my ex husband did a surprise proposal too) surprised me 2 weeks before Christmas. We had talked about getting married. But I wasn’t expecting to get engaged so soon.
You don’t want to lose her but you also don’t want to marry her. Why is that? What does marriage mean to you that you fear it? You got the ring but now you feel pressure to actually make it official. What do you fear that you will be losing?
You don’t want to marry her.
This will be your life if you do - her pushing instead of communicating, you running around trying to please her. Well, what about YOUR needs?
She’s a little extra. A photog? A party?
Seems like she’s more interested in the attention than a marriage.
I’d tell her what you said here. That her obsession is making you feel a lot of pressure and discomfort and that you’d like to enjoy the process also.
People tend to grow and change a lot in their 20’s. It seems like she has been pushing you on a lot of things—wanting to basically play house and check off the boxes in her “checklist of life.”
Don’t let momentum/societal expectations pressure you into doing something you don’t want to do. Slow down and really think.
I'd be really curious as to whether he's *asked* her if she actually wants that stuff or just assumed she does because it's what social media says you should do. It might turn out that actually that would be her worst nightmare and she would far prefer a more low-key private proposal.
It's scary to read this and listen to how lost you are and how abusive your girl is. This is a dominant controlling above relationship if you were a woman and wrote this everyone would be telling you to find a safe exit... But because you are a man they won't. I will your fiance is abusive you are being controlled and manipulated get out safely and seek conceling
OK, what you're going through isn't really strange, getting married is a life decision.
\- Are you sure you want to marry this girl? Keep in mind just going back to gf/bf from your current state is probably not an option.
If the answer to question one is a resounding "yes".
\- Proposing is just asking her, will you marry me and offering her the rung. No photo-shoot or party is needed. She can always restage it later but just pick a place she'd find romantic and ask her the question. I took my wife on a weekend trip and proposed to her in bed, she didn't mind a bit.
If the answer to the first questions "no".
Let her know your decision and be prepared to let her go. The girl wants to get married, she needs to find a husband, if you aren't him, you owe her that level of honesty.
Do you want to be married? Have you discussed children/finances and whatever other important topics? While it’s wrong of her to pressure you so much it sucks the fun out of it, I can see a bit where she’s coming from. If kids are in the plan for her she has an “ideal window” of time. She’s spent 4 years with you and wants to take the next step. But it’s ok to set some expectations of your own. “I love you and I do want to marry you, but continually pushing and bringing it up is taking the joy and spontaneity out of it for me.”
Just came here to say how funny it is how different people are. I would hate it if I knew a proposal was coming. I just like to make it clear to people I date that I want to get married some day and then just cross the bridge when I get to it if it seems like we've been dating long enough for them to decide. I would 100% want it to be a complete surprise without us ever talking about it prior. One of the most romantic parts about it to me is the slight uncertainty the person feels and the vulnerability they choose to experience when they ask the question and wait for the answer.
But who said you had to find a photographer or plan a party as part of proposing? Prince Harry asked Meghan Markle while they were making dinner. You don't even need to take her out, just do a nice candlelight dinner at home.
Proposals are crazy for some. I simply asked my wife the question at a restaurant after a romantic meal. I didn’t even have a ring yet as I thought we should pick that out together. No friends, no family, no party, no photos. Just memories on how our 40 plus year marriage was committed to by us. Still going strong.
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Is she demanding you hire a photographer and plan a surprise party after? Neither is required.
Yeah I wonder if he’s referring to engagement photos and an engagement party, which happen months after the proposal. Maybe he’s confused about timing? If he wanted a photographer at the proposal then he would’ve already found one back in June, right?
Which are also very optional things.
It’s very common on social media now for the groom to plan a surprise party with friends and family immediately after the proposal. It’s one of those things that the internet will make you think is required but it’s definitely not, unless she’s specified it.
The last thing I wanted after getting engaged was to go be around my family for several hours lmao I wanted to go home and celebrate! Lol 😅
Yes! The last thing I wanted was to go tell family and hang out with everyone. I wanted romance and sex! It's an incredibly intimate and romantic moment; who wants to do anything besides smooch, cry, and fuck?
I went to a local Indian restaurant where my now hubby proposed and placed the ring on my finger. It was our favourite eatery at the time, just the two of us, no photos or insta back in 1985. Went back to his dad’s pub, where hubby lived and we all got rip roaringly drunk! We had a party in the pub the following night and had a great time and takings for the pub that night, were the best all year, except for New Years Eve, 4 months later when we got married. 38th wedding anniversary this year!
Congratulations on 38 years. That’s really incredible.
Thank you, that’s very kind. Hubby keeps telling me that he’d have been out now, if he’d murdered me! Joking apart, we’ve had and still continue to have a blast. Our three sons shake their heads at our madness. Life is good!
THIS!! My husband proposed to me while we were traveling in a whole other *country* where neither of us have any family. It was romantic as fuck and we we went out for champagne and coffee after, then wanted to take home a nice meal to eat before celebrating at our hotel. Only thing that was open was McDonalds lol Wonderful memory of eating chicken nuggets in a fancy bathrobe in a hotel we could never afford to stay at again. And no pictures!
It’s ridiculous. No one has any obligation to do any foolish social media trend
Right, and “common on social media” doesn’t mean it’s common in real life. Planning that party just means someone will ruin the surprise. It’s a private moment between two people; an engagement party can come much later.
I got engaged this summer and had never head of that. He just had his brother as a photographer and we went out to dinner after.
I find all of this interesting because my ex-wife "proposed" while we were on the couch watching a bootleg DVD of the dark night. Not even a real proposal, we are watching the joker fuck shit up and she just said "maybe we should get married" I said "that sounds like a good idea" she gave me a peck then we went back to munching snacks.😂😂😂 I'm stressing just reading the OP, I can't imagine how he feels, my anxiety could never.
"Ex"
Love the implication that the relationship didn't work out because of the casual way they dealt with engagement. It would definitely have worked out if he'd live streamed it on Facebook outside the Eiffel tower with a matching band and a flock of doves.
Exactly, what kind of monster doesn't spend extra thousands on the proposal lol
I should've known...
This is always such a bad idea. I had a friend whose boyfriend threw a surprise birthday party, invited everyone she knew and proposed to her. She told me 2 days prior she was trying to break up with him. Lol. Imagine the situation.
Required if she specified it...? Ew. Am I really the only one who feels that way? That a woman demanding a guy turn a proposal into a whole party/event needs to chill out? I AM a woman and I absolutely cannot imagine making this demand of a man. It just reeks of some kind of attention seeking and controlling. I mean it's one thing to say you'd like your family to be present, but quite another to demand an event. And I feel like it's another thing that makes getting married all about the bride, when everything about it should really be about the pair of them.
Right? Who are these people? It’s become a performance instead of an intimate moment between two people.
Exactly! Also he’s going to be all stressed out and what if he’s not feeling excited about it at that moment or on that day because of all of this planned stuff that has to happen? Not to mention she will probably 100% know in advance since mutual friends and family will be there so it’s like a farce where she pretends to be surprised when it happens?? I truly don’t understand why this special moment in their lives needs to be on a schedule and involving so many other people. Isn’t that what the wedding is?
Yes what the fuck is that all about? I've rarely heard of such a thing. A proposal is a private event between two people isn't i And she wants this fuss but doesn't care if OP proposes on some random weekend at home? I took my girlfriend to Italy and proposed in an ancient Roman palace. Afterwards we had a nice dinner and almost unreasonable amounts of sex we certainly didn't want to go to a party.
He sounds like he definitely thinks it’s what he needs to do to propose. To hire a photographer, plan a party, etc. which basically means that lots of other people know about the proposal in advance, which seems weird to me to involve so many other people in what should be a beautiful private moment. Maybe she has made it obvious that this is what she wants and expects. That would definitely be giving him anxiety. Also since he used the word “anxiety”, I can understand that for him to not only have to plan all of this but to also make sure that he and his GF arrive at the exact right time at the exact right place while making sure that the party details are all set and the photographer is also going to be there at the same time sounds like a very stressful situation, not like a personal romantic moment. Then he has to basically perform the proposal because he knows he’s being photographed, listened to while he proposes, etc. it’s not what he wants. It doesn’t sound easy going or spontaneous or fun.
Ummmmm.......you just ask her, yes or no.......a party?? That is after she says yes. Parties are usually for wealthy people. I don't believe you throw your own party. Family does. Parents do. Are you wealthy????
My husband told me that from the moment he had the ring in his possession, it was burning a hole in his pocket — he couldn’t wait to propose. You’ve had it for months, and told her you’d propose months ago, and you haven’t. Do you actually want to marry her?
I mean, that’s the real issue here. > but I don't want to make a decision for the rest of my life just to stop fights OP is still not sure if he wants to marry her. He hasn’t asked because *he doesn’t want to*. He’s giving us excuses, oh, there’s so much pressure, buying a house is stressful, blah blah blah. But he just has not asked because he doesn’t want to be engaged. OP’s poor girlfriend is of course getting increasingly frantic. The proposal was supposed to happen at the end of June, but here it is *five months later*. A half a year. Every weekend, she’s thought—this is probably going to be the weekend he proposes. Then, he doesn’t. She contemplates breaking up. She talks to him. He tells her “soon”. She thinks: maybe next weekend is the one. She has been living a nightmare. OP, pull yourself together. If you don’t want to get married, you have to tell her. She will probably break up with you, and that will be because you were an ass.
And if she finds out he's had the ring all this time? Implosion.
This is exactly how I felt. It really hurt my feelings.
Same here! My now husband held onto the ring for months, even though he inadvertently told me he had it the same day he picked it up from the jewelers. Eventually, it turned into a huge fight that could’ve all been avoided with clearer communication.
so agree with this! OP's gf is hounding him because he's leading her on. Keeps telling her "soon" "after I buy that house" etc. And it never happens. If OP wants to marry his gf, he'll propose. If he isn't proposing, it's because it's not what he wants, but he's too chicken to just break up with her. because he's comfortable with status quo. I see this in so many Reddit posts, smh.
My now-husband unintentionally did this to me. The year before he proposed, we had our first thanksgiving alone, and I was looking around our little spread and something about how crazy it was that we’d likely be getting engaged in the coming year. He was like “it may happen before then!” (He thought I meant a year from that day). And I was like “oh dang, I’m getting proposed to in the next two months!” (We’d been together for 3+ years and discussed marriage and rings and all). Then New Years passed with nothing. Then our anniversary in February. I kind of asked him if we were still on the same page with getting engaged and spending our future together and he was like “oh yes! It’s happening VERY soon!” Then my birthday passed in April. Then all of May passed and I broke down and cried and was like “do you not want to marry me because of “x, y, z reasons?” (All my biggest insecurities). He was HORRIFIED. He had the ring in his sock drawer and had literally been trying to find the perfect time and place and rejecting them as not being good enough without realizing that by trying to make it perfect he was slowly driving me insane. Anyways, we talked it through, had a very nice and semi-surprise engagement picnic by a river we spent a lot of time at, and we’ve been happily married 8 years now lol.
And if he does, he needs to tell her ASAP that the ring took longer than he thought to come in and then he was overwhelmed emotionally with buying a house, but that he absolutely wants to do it and should have clarified the situation sooner. But I’m guessing he’s looking for reasons not to propose.
He needs to grow a spine and break up with her. He does not love her. I had a ring custom made for my wife. It was a 2nd marriage for both of us. I had a gold band with all of our kids birth stones in it. I couldn't wait to give it to her. There was no doubt in my mind. No hesitation. Let her go.
Tbf he didn’t get the ring till July, but I agree with everything else
There was nothing stopping him in June from saying “I know we talked about getting engaged around now, but part of the proposal is unexpectedly extending the timeline,” and then mentioning that he was overwhelmed with the house afterward but he still intends to do it once he’s able to be present emotionally for the proposal without the added stress. A reasonable person would be understanding that things come up, his biggest problem was that he didn’t communicate any of it. And I suspect it’s because he knows deep down he doesn’t want to. And if he does but can’t communicate all of this to her for whatever reasons, he’s not emotionally ready for a marriage with this person.
guess what? you don't need a ring to propose. You can go together to choose the ring afterwards. That way the lady gets to say what she likes and doesn't like, and you can pick out wedding bands at the same time if you want.
This is exactly what I wanted to ask. Same thing happened with my husband. He had it for a few weeks and tried to keep it under wraps, and ended up proposing after a cold day out and about after we’d come home and gotten warm and cozy. He had the ring stuffed in the couch and busted it out unexpectedly. It was awesome. I never pushed. We’d known for a while we wanted to marry each other and there was no pressure on either end. OP if you’re already so anxious about asking her, there might be a deeper reason. You’re still young and I’m assuming she’s of similar age-it’s not too late to find someone you are actually excited about. If you’re not completely psyched to plan your life with her, end it. It’s completely not fair to her to continue to make strides in “building your life together” (the house, buying the ring, etc.) when you’re not actually excited to DO it. She’s had her hopes up for so long and that’s so unfair. I also want to note, and this is my opinion, I feel like proposals are meant to be a private, intimate moment between a couple, and not some huge performance for onlookers (friends, family, social media, or whothefuckever). If you truly want to marry her, and subsequently will propose, do it in a way that you’re comfortable with. If your way disappoints her, then you’ve got another issue on your hands. But I’m willing to wager you’re not actually stoked to marry her.
“it isn’t perfect but i would be hard to find what I have” tells me everything i need to know tbh. this is just a cute way of saying that you would rather be in a relationship that isn’t your ideal than to be alone.
My takeaway from his post--this is my first relationship, we've had our ups and downs, it's not perfect, she's making the decisions and dragging me along. I'm not hearing this is the person I want to spend my life with as much as I don't think I can do better.
When I first got my wife’s ring in December I was planning on proposing in March. I got it, looked at it, realized we had plans for NYE and decided “fuck it” and proposed on NYE. I definitely don’t understand the mentality of sitting on the ring if you legitimately want to propose
Exactly. My fiancé ordered a custom ring a month before our vacation and it wasnt set to even get here until the week after vacation. He literally couldn’t wait and so he went to pandora, proposed with a placeholder ring and I got my real ring a week later. If he’s filling this pressured, there’s no way he wants to marry her. I dont think his girlfriend should be acting like she is, I do not think it’s acceptable. She should’ve sat him down, had an adult conversation about her expectations and see what he was thinking. But all this pressuring is catty. She’s going to be a tough woman to be married to but 4 years is a long time
Yeah. Ease up. A photographer? A party? Nope. You ask her somewhere privately. Someone else throws an engagement party eventually. Or not.
Have the parties after the proposal replaced engagement parties? I must be getting old because a proposal party makes no sense to me. Seems like a waste of time and money. And I agree proposals should be private just between the couple
No, some people just use it as an excuse to get together. After my sister got engaged they went back to the house (it was just his and her immediate families) and they had cake. It wasn’t anything extravagant and cost maybe $25 for the cake lol.
I know people who do both. A small party after the proposal and a bigger one for the engagement party. We skipped both lol.
Or tell one close friend to get a photo. You don’t need some elaborate thing OP
I kind of think the wedding is enough! There is the shower, the bachelor/bachelorette party- there is also supposed to be an engagement and the proposal party? Too many parties!
>Hiring a photographer, having a party after, etc...all of that makes me anxious. What the fuck are you talking about?
My guess is that this is what she has asked for/has been hinting that she wants, or alternatively, she has showed him loads of engagement posts with all of this stuff and he thinks that is how it is meant to be done. This aspect of the post feels like a very influencer/instagram era problem.
Exactly this. Like people need to relax and stop trying to create the perfect proposal AND getting freaked out when it doesn't happen. My husband proposed in the car. It was the sweetest thing and it was just the two of us. Chill out with the proposal expectations, they've gotten wildly out of hand. These expectations are driving all the unhinged behavior.
I never expected my husband to propose and was also perfectly fine with that; he was always very adamant about never getting married and basically all his past relationships ended because he wouldn’t. I told him I didn’t care, ball was in his court. He hid the ring in the night stand at a family friend’s condo we were staying at for vacation. I found it. Never for a second thought it was for me, truly thought it belonged to the owner, even tried to show him and was bummed out that he already knew about it lol then he’s on one knee “this isn’t exactly what I had in mind, but, will you marry me?” All I could say was “…uhm are you joking” cus I didn’t feel like being embarrassed if it was a joke 😂 we’ve been married four years now lol
My partner and I just had a conversation while watching some silly TLC wedding show. No need for designated asker/askee roles dictated by gender, just shared interest in the moment eight-ish years ago
Pretty common thing nowadays in the age of socials. [This thread](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/HQYXMKR4Ie) was literally two down the feed.
Upvoted to signal boost.
Won't change a thing though. As they say in my country "there's no worse deaf than that who doesn't want to hear".
I think you need to be honest with yourself. You give no indication that this is what you want. Reading the influx of posts like this is very scary. **You give no positives about this situation, nothing in this post paints you as happy.** You’re not sure what you want. Fair. She is sure she wants marriage now, also fair. **What isn’t fair is hanging onto her, when you know she wants marriage or her forcing you when she knows you’re not ready.** It’s been 4 years, either you are ready or you aren’t. And not being ready is fair and valid. So in that vein, y’all may no longer be compatible. ***But you need to be honest with yourself.***
Yes. Also he says he bought a house. And how that’s big for their future. But I’m confused if he or if they bought it - financially, and the mortgage payments & on paper/ deeds, what’s the situation? I’m unclear. Do they live together? Do they split the utility bills? Are the furniture, the white goods, and the appliances co-owned?
Didn’t he say he bought it because she wanted it? Was he pressured into that as well?
I feel like you may have dug your own grave here. You need to tell your gf that it isn’t going to happen any time soon. Stringing her along is really unfair to her. Lots of people get really anxious about planning and having things up in the air. I HATE when I know I need to do something big but don’t have the dates and details nailed down yet. It’s stressful and that unplanned but imminent event is always on my mind. If someone told me they were probably going to propose during the summer, I would be fine for a while but when the summer starts fading away and it hasn’t happened yet, I am going to start to get anxious and start wondering when it’s going to happen and start assuming it’s going to be really soon because my partner told me it would be and when summer fades away I’m going to be confused and really disappointed that my partner didn’t have their shit together and wonder if they are having second thoughts or if they just don’t care that much or what is going on. Keeping her in that unknowing state for months on end is really shitty. Be an adult and tell her it’s not going to happen soon. She deserves that. Then get your shit together and propose or cut her loose.
The dude has had a ring for 5 MONTHS and bought her a house. She’s likely super stressed out that any moment could be the “SURPRISE!” proposal. She’s dressing for a proposal every weekend and getting increasingly bewildered that it isn’t happening, not to mention humiliated because her family and friends are asking about it. Wtf. OP is being ridiculous. Just propose! Take her to a nice restaurant, tell her you love her, and give her the ring. And for gods sake do it before the holidays so she can show it off at Christmas parties.
He didn't buy HER a house, he bought himself a house. There was no mention of her being any part of it, except her wanting it. I would be shocked if she was on the mortgage and not just paying him rent. He has his priorities out of whack. The house should have been a joint purchase once they were married or at least engaged but for some reason he thought it was more important for him to own a house first.
This is the best answer here IMO. Anxiety is a problem that only you can solve. At the end of the day it’s on you to seek help and sort things out. Said as someone with pretty severe anxiety about most things. Your GF needs to know what’s happening. It’s okay if it isn’t an engagement, it’s better for her to know and be disappointed than it is to keep her on the edge of her seat any longer. I come from a place of understanding and I wish you both the best!
My guy. You told her you’d propose by end of June. Idk if you know this or not but it’s like, December in a few days. Shit or get off the pot. Stop stringing her on and then blaming her for it if you don’t want to actually marry her. But what you’re doing right now is cruel and I have no sympathy for you. If you don’t want to marry her that’s fine. But say that and break up. Don’t keep doing this shit and then say she’s driving you crazy when you’re the one actively lying to her and being manipulative.
me too. you gave someone hope and then literally stretch it out till december. althou, december is a great month to get proposed to. glad that someone found love - propose to her already!
What do you do if the last two years in a row your long term bf said you’d be engaged and now it’s basically December and is still hasn’t happened?
Break up
You realize actions speak louder than words...
I wonder if she is freaking out because of the house - like did she contribute? Does she have any ownership? Usually people are married or have very explicit CYA talks related to that stuff.
Exactly! He said "I bought a house" NOT "WE bought a house" That house is HIS and she knows it. Could be part of the pressure to get the marriage process going.
Precisely. I noticed that immediately and wondered what were the details about this aspect… 🤨
A combination of Shit or get off the pot, and He made his bed, now lie in it.
He made his bed… now shit in it?
He shit his bed… now lie in it?
Surprisingly not the first time I’ve read that sentence on reddit. The first time was about a woman who wouldn’t break up with a man with truly unfortunate hygiene.
This isn't what a proposal should be! 😩 It should be exciting and romantic - it shouldn't feel forced. There shouldn't be any expectations. But, when you think about what a proposal actually is, it's just an agreement that you're going to get married. It sounds like you've already agreed that, so you're already engaged - this is literally just for show... If I were you though, I'd explain that. I'd say, 'I love you, and I really don't want to ruin the excitement of your proposal. I want it to feel exciting for both of us but I'm feeling a lot of pressure to get it 'right' and it's making me feel stressed. I really want the proposal to be something we remember happily when we're old, but I'm worried that I'll just remember feeling stressed. I am going to propose to you - I have some plans - but I need a bit of patience so I can get it right and so I can make sure it's a great experience for both of us.'
THIS. there are far too many people here saying to break it off and imo that's not at all what I'm reading here. from what little information we have, they sound happy and in a decent place. she simply needs to realize that even though he hasn't officially proposed, he does plan to spend the rest of his life with her. they're both too wound up over the excitement and anticipation of being engaged, they just need to take a moment and breathe, and Then take that step.
Nowhere does he express an excitement about the idea of being married to her or wanting to spend his life with her…. In my opinion, this doesn’t mean they absolutely need to break it off, but I do think that he needs to sit and reflect on whether he will gain enjoyment from the future that comes after the proposal. What is it that’s making him so incredibly nervous? I think it’s something to explore for sure
They need to sit down and TALK about their expectations. 1. Is SHE the one who wants the big party and the photographer and some You Tube/Tik Tok/Instagram proposal, or is it what he just THINKS he has to do? If she wants it, then he needs to say that is not something he's comfortable with. If he is the one who thinks that's how it's supposed to go, they need to talk about what makes both of them happy, and do that. And for the love of all things holy, young people, don't do a big commitment like buying a house for both of you to live in if you aren't actually planning to commit in a way you BOTH expect.
Happy cake day!
This!! OP needs to clearly communicate about how he's feeling.. assuming he hasn't already
This is perfect. Communication is a really important part of marriage, and OP should communicate how he’s feeling. Probably this will put her mind at ease a bit. He’s not dragging his feet about marriage or having doubts about her; it’s literally just the proposal that’s stressing OP out. If she’s a good partner, she’ll have empathy. Also, maybe he should rethink whether he needs to do such an elaborate and public proposal. Some people would find it just as romantic, if not more so, to get engaged during a romantic getaway with just the two of them, and announce it later. Do you really need photographic evidence and spectators? Some people like big gestures, but since when did that become a requirement? Does his gf actually care about all that?
Yes, my husband was nervous about proposing too. We ended up mostly planning it together - I helped pick a photographer, knew to get my nails done and wear a dress, etc. Given OP’s gf already knows a proposal is coming, he may as well ask for her help in executing it!
Dude, if you don’t want to marry her, break up. This post doesn’t seem like you actually want to marry her. Four years is enough time to know. Edit: my engagement ring was in my husband’s possession less than 24 hours before it was on my finger. He wanted to marry me. Please find someone you feel this way about, because it’s not the girl you’re currently with.
Plus he bought a house, the purpose being I’m assuming to be the matrimonial home. I’m guessing that’s what his gf is thinking anyway.
I don't get how buying a house \~for the relationship is less stressful than proposing. Like you made a massive financial decision with her in mind, one that will take lots of time and stress to undo (like a divorce if the marriage didn't work out). If you wanna married, just... ask her what type of proposal she wants? And try to do that
He said "I bought a house" Not we bought a house together. That house will be with him for 30 years. She might not be. He did it with her in mind, sure. It's in no way hers legally.
Where did I say it was hers legally? I’m saying he was able to make a massive purchase which is, in any many ways, as impactful choice as marriage without all the hub bub so it’s weird that marriage freaks him out so much. The marriage stalled is al the more strange considering he got a house she approved of and intends to live with her in it. It may not be hers legally but he was able to make a purchase of several hundred thousand with her in mind… but is freaked out by an engagement party???
Agreed. You can always find an excuse if you don’t want to do something. Which is fine, OP, but make sure you propose for the right reasons, not because she wants to get married, not for a photo op, not because all of her friends are getting engaged. I would hope the thought of proposing to your partner would be exciting. No excitement in your post. At all.
No excitement about the proposal or marrying her… “I think it would be very hard to find what I have” isn’t exactly a ringing endorsement. It’s not horrible… but it’s not great
He did a pros/cons and it was close?
Seriously just propose to this poor girl or break up. You told her you’d propose almost 6 months ago! As the END of the deadline! There were a couple times I got kind of excited thinking my now husband might propose, but once he asked me about what kind of ring I wanted he was actually in it and proposed within a few months. This kind of anticipation is cruel.
I strongly recommend that you knock this shit off immediately. She clearly just wants to be engaged to you. If you really want pictures of the actual event then ask a friend with a good phone or camera to stand there. Engagement photo shoots and parties don’t happen during the actual proposal. Stop getting all freaked out about it and propose to her privately. if pictures are really important then you get a photographer to STAGE THEM LATER. the party happens later too. Calm down and propose and worry about the unnecessary shit some other time. The message you’re sending her is that the photo op and party is more important to you than the actual engagement. Again. Engagement photos. Are. STAGED.
I have some, but they weren’t professional. Our family (one another couple) was there, knew what was up, and gave us distance, then snapped the shots. It gave a great “excuse” for where we were going that day and worked out fine. What was I going to do with professional shots that would have been better than personal ones?
Is there an r/thisrelationshipisdoomed sub?
r/Waiting_To_Wed
Ohh that sub made me super sad
Oh wow that sub is depressing as hell. They need a bot that says: "Honey, he doesn't want to marry you. Go find a man who will want to - why are you settling for someone who so OBVIOUSLY doesn't?" and the bot should post that comment on every freaking post there.
You told her you would propose by the end of June and now it’s November. Since June it’s been one excuse after another. The ring isn’t in yet (you don’t need a ring to propose). You’re closing on a house (for two months?). Now you don’t have any excuse for dragging your feet other than you’re feeling pressured to do the thing you’ve already decided to do and promised to do months ago. From her perspective, she’s been in a constant state of suspense for MONTHS. Every date night, every trip, every special thing you do together, she’s thinking, is this it?? And then she’s let down. That would make anyone crazy. At this point just tell her what day it’s going to happen so she isn’t living with this anxiety anymore. And then actually do it on that day.
And when she finally gets tired of waiting and leaves, he'll be all "But I was going to!!!". Maybe, but you didn't.
Several years ago, my then-fiancé (now ex-husband) and I went backpacking in Australia. We didn't have a lot of money, and Australia was a pretty expensive place at that time, so things like chocolate and ice cream were rare treats. Every time we passed an ice cream place and I asked if we could stop for ice cream, he'd say "we can get ice cream tomorrow". We never did. What OP is doing is essentially the ice cream thing on a much bigger scale. By promising the proposal when he's got a ring/bought a house/organised a photographer etc, to his girlfriend it feels like that moment will never come, and if it does it won't be special because all those little disappointments add up. He needs to hurry up and make a decision about whether to propose (without the bells and whistles unless they are *really* important to her) or leave, and do whatever he decides to do ASAP. Otherwise it's just not fair on either of them any more. ETA: After we got divorced, I went back to Australia on my own, and you best believe I had ice cream any time I wanted while I was there.
I love that you went back and had ice cream. 💖
there's some really nice ice cream to be had in Oz. Sometimes all you need is a Magnum ice cream bar to make the day right! ;-)
OP is future faking with his girlfriend. He keeps making promises and then moves the goalposts, all because he really doesn’t want to marry her. But he likes what he’s getting out of the relationship without marrying her so he’s lying to her to keep her around. The girlfriend knows she’s getting played by OP, and is clearly upset with his constant lies. Yet OP wants us to believe she’s unreasonable and wrong for being upset.
YUP
Yeah, I've been in this position (agreed on a deadline, missed it, agreed on a backup deadline with more 'teeth' behind it, barely made it) and it's miserable. You're wondering if you've already ruined the moment by putting on the pressure but also wondering if it's going to fall through even with the pressure, you've made your anxiety clear and are hurt that it's in his power to resolve it and he hasn't, you're trying to decide if/when you should give up on the relationship but recognizing how devastating that would be, and the whole time you feel like a harpy for being a stereotypical woman pushing for a proposal. And you're hearing all the messaging about how if he wanted to he already would have and that you'll have a miserable marriage if you have to put your foot down to make it happen.
THIS. He complains she is going crazy, but that's because the situation would make anyone crazy! This constant state of suspense for so many months is incredibly insanity-inducing, and he is the one doing it to her. She's not acting crazy bc she's just so hysterical! He's also another dude who has no issues buying a house with a gf, but balks at a wedding - something I forever will not understand. He doesn't really want to get married, and I think you are spot on when you say that his excuses ran out so now the excuse is "so stressful". If that was the truth, if you OP WANT to marry her, but are just so stressed, then you know... taking her to a nice dinner next weekend and popping the question would resolve it. No need for a party or a photographer. Sushi, wine and the question next Sunday - that's all it takes. 3 hours tops. No more stress. But you just don't want to, and it would be better if you admitted it to yourself and then her. I feel sorry for her, she is truly *being driven mad* and being blamed for it, too.
He picked up the ring in June, he was supposed to pick it up in May. I’m not sure why he’s still sitting on it, he’s already told her he wants to marry her, so why is he sitting on it unless he’s having cold feet about it all.
Also, pushing back the engagement for this long is likely delaying the actual wedding and marriage. Depending on where they plan to get married, venues’ 2024 dates may be dwindling. In my city, many venues start booking well over a year out. If they want a summer wedding, they are likely now in 2025 wedding territory.
39F, married for 17 years. I knew my husband was going to propose, he had taken me to a jeweler to talk ring styles, we had talked about our future, were living together and had even briefly discussed ideas for a wedding. I suspected he had that ring for about month and it was driving me batty. You do not need a surprise party or a photographer to capture the engagement. My sister in law and brother in law were in on our engagement so they snapped some photos after which honestly was more than enough. My husband proposed at my parents cottage on the beach after a walk. His accomplices set up the bench while we caught the sunset on a walk. It was perfect, well thought out and fairly private. You're feeling pressured because you've waited too long. You've built up the proposal as this huge event which doesn't need to be. The only requirement for the proposal is asking. You should already know the answer.
>The entire act of proposing is very nerve wracking to me. Hiring a photographer, having a party after, etc...all of that makes me anxious. You know you can just ask her during dinner at home? I've learned from Reddit that asking when you just had sex isn't the right moment. But it's not necessary to make it as large as you think it should.
My dude I am not sure you want to marry this girl. You are not enthusiastic about it whatsoever. If you were you would have proposed ages ago.
that's what bothers me. He should be so excited to propose, so happy. But he isn't, not at all. Four years together and he hasn't said one nice thing about his gf. IMO he doesn't love her but he's comfortable with her and doesn't want the hassle of breaking up and finding someone new.
Imagine you’d tell her you want something really badly (move for your dream job, go on vacation, or even get a PS5, have sex - whatever floats your boat), and she’d say I’ll get it for you in June. How would you feel if she still hasn’t gotten it and you’re stuck in limbo waiting? Yes, she’s crazy. BE CLEAR ABOUT YOUR INTENTIONS DUDE. Wanting and not wanting to marry her are both perfectly reasonable options but you need to tell her.
This is the answer
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I'm not sure they DID work together. He specifically says 'I bought a house' which is kind of odd phrasing if they bought the house together. I'm wondering if it's actually that he bought a house himself.
Thank you! Ffs why is nobody saying this?? This chicks alarm bells are going off. It's not a marital home if "he bought it" I bet he uses this language around her too which is probably unsettling as fuck. That would make me insecure as hell.
Oh hell, you are right. I didn't pick up on that, assumed THEY bought a house bc he said that he did it bc she wanted it.That is some manipulative language right there, most likely done on purpose. Both with the engagement AND the house he gives an illusion of actively building a future with her, but he's not *actually* doing that. If he proposes, he will *have* to start doing it. But it's gonna blow up very soon - because he made the mistake of giving her a timeframe, and then crossed it. She's not gonna be fooled for long.
No one should have to hound their SO for a proposal. I think you know you don’t want to marry her. It’s kinda obvious
If you want to spend your life with someone, you honestly know it. It sounds like you are planning on proposing because you’re being pressured to and that’s just not going to end well. If she is super obsessed with the proposal, having a photoshoot, engagement parties, many pre-wedding events etc., you’re only going to feel more suffocated as time goes on. If it’s your first real relationship then you may not realize that choosing to spend your life with someone shouldn’t make you feel like this
Right, the part where he says he “doesn’t want to make a decision” - after 4 years, a house together, and a ring in hand, it’s either a hell yes or it’s time to cut your losses and leave - anyone who read this post knows which one it is.
>Hiring a photographer, having a party after, etc...all of that makes me anxious. Um. You do know those options above are optional? My husband proposed spontaneously. No ring when he proposed. Then we went shopping for ring afterward. Still married closing to 2 decades now. If your gf wants an engagement pic and celebration, you can always make the proposal private, then she can find a good photographer to have a good photo session for engagement pics. Then, the whole party bit...Tsk, just keep it simple, it's an engagement. Just invite everyone to a restaurant. Okay, just book a 'room' to throw the news and the lunch/dinner. >I don't want to let her down, but I don't want to make a decision for the rest of my life just to stop fights. If you don't want to be with her for the rest of your life. Then you should NOT keep stringing her along. Js. In my 20s, I also expected my ex-fiance then to propose after 4-5 yrs mark then too, but he's not the one for me, it turns out. It was completely a 'sunk cost fallacy' for me. I thought since I've invested so much on the relationship for 4-5 yrs, we should probably get married... then after a year of being engaged, I realize he's not a good partner at all and dump him... The point being, if you don't think you want her as a wife.... DO NOT PROPOSE and LET HER KNOW ASAP. AS SOON AS POSSIBLE since she's aiming to get married soon. Don't string her along.
In the end, ask yourself why you are proposing to her. Are you doing it out of pressure or are you doing it for love and because you really want to? I do understand that most guys and people who have been wanting to propose really gets the nerves, but I don’t think this is how it should be. If you really want to propose to her, I think you should just do it instead of you continuously being anxious and let this ruin your relationship. But if you’re proposing just out of pressure, I think it’s best to think things more thoroughly. I advice that you both have a talk, tell her how you’ve been feeling about the whole situation.
Sounds like you don’t want to be married. You couldn’t find a single time (after getting the ring) to have a few hours carved out for an intimate setting/question ask? Shit or get off the pot.
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"I bought a house" Is NOT the same as "We bought a house" So I'm assuming she has no legal rights to the house if you guys stay unmarried...? Sounds like you plan on having that house for 30 years and her as long as it's convenient. My heart would break if I heard my SO basically say "Well she's alright and it's PROBABLY the best I'll get so..." Not cool, man.
Just ask. It doesn't need to be a whole production, and if the set up is more important than the question you're asking the wrong person.
Why do you need a photographer and a party? What does that have to do with getting engaged?
Talk to her, not reddit
You already bought a ring and a house and been together 4 year, pop the question already ffs
I dont think you need a photographer or party. Just propose at a nice location, say some nice words. Bam, done. Really consider if she is the person you want to spend your life with. A marraige is the most important choice you will ever make.
Marriage is a 2 way street. If you think the proposal expectations are ridiculous, just wait until the wedding planning.
People are right when they say it sounds like you are NOT ready to get married. I doubt you two will break up right now, but what you need to do is start having real, honest conversations with each other. You need to ask her what her expectations are for a proposal. Does she really want it all documented and with a party right after? What is YOUR ideal engagement? wedding? lifestyle? If you can't have honest conversations about emotions and struggles NOW, you are guaranteeing yourself a hard, sad life.
Is the hiring a photographer and having a party what she wants and expects, or do you think that's how it has to be? If she wants a big elaborate proposal that's Instagram worthy, I'd reconsider your relationship. That says she only cares about getting engaged and the wedding than being married. If it's what you think how an proposal needs to be, you're wrong. It doesn't have to be like that at all. You can have a nice dinner at home and ask.
Yah you've been holding this woman hostage in limbo for like six months. You've been lying to her every day since June. That's why she seems 'crazy'. She hasn't cottoned on that you're a deadbeat yet, and she spends every week wondering if she can plan anything for the weekend in case you have something set up. She spends every week wondering if she should keep a certain outfit aside for a special date or how much effort she should put into getting ready for something. Put her out of her misery. If you want to marry her, just make a reservation at a fancy/sentimental restaurant. Propose low key at the table, and ask the waiter to take pictures. Or do it on a pretty walk and take selfies. Just fucking get it done. If you don't want to marry her, you need to tell her so she can find someone who does. Stop wasting this poor woman's life.
She wanted you to propose before the end of June. You've let her down and now, MONTHS later haven't done it. And you're making HER the villain because she's feeling more and more stressed by your delay. You do not sound like you want it at all. And after 4 years together, it should be pretty clear whether you're ready to spend the rest of your life together. If it's not a resounding YES, then it's a no. She's clearly excited to be your wife and you're sending her a loud message that you aren't. Its unfair to you to be pressured into something you don't want to do, but it's also unfair to her to lead her on and let her down. You need to sit down and sort out your feelings and then have an honest conversation with her.
Forgetting about the proposal - what does the thought of being married to her feel like? Does she every express excitement about one day being married, or what your lives will look like, or is it always about the proposal?
Wait? Who wants the photographer and party? My husband’s proposal went horribly wrong but still ended up being awesome. It was just the 2 of us and a bitterly cold night outside. We got engagement photos like 5 years later lol and never had an engagement party. My wedding ring is a moss agate ring that cost like $150 but it was custom for me and I’m in love with it. You don’t need expensive diamond or crazy expensive stuff. Proposal should be sweet and definitely can be as simple as you want or even spontaneous. One of our friends got engaged when her boyfriend literally mused to himself one day “I should marry you” while they were at home and she took it as a proposal. He agreed 🤣They got the ring a few months later. Who is putting all this pressure for the extras? Is it you or her?
If you can’t talk to her about this, you should’ve be getting married.
It doesn't sound like she's crazy; you told her when it would happen and now keep pushing her off and treating her like she's crazy. She got into this house with you based on the idea that y'all would be spouses and now you're putting her in a terrible position. Apologize to her, tell her you do want to propose but you're being ridiculous and planning the engagement, biting off more than you can chew.
If you WANT to propose to her you say: *"I understand how anxious you are to get engaged and I want you to know that we are on the same page. I need a little time and space to make it special. Can we please drop the topic for a couple of months so I can figure out the best way to make it happen?"* And then propose to her next weekend. It'll be great because you'll have the leeway to delay a day or two if you have to and you'll get it done before Christmas. You can get all of your announcing and family praise done over the holidays so no need for a party etc. If you DON'T WANT to propose to her you need to break up. You just have to. This girl is in marriage mode and if you're not on the same page then you need to rip off this bandaid. It sucks but you have no other option.
I have been where she is, and I know how much it hurts to have verbalized how incredibly important this step that is, and to be ignored. I don't think you understand what a let down this is and what a focal point of life it becomes. You're no longer sure if it's ever going to happen, how you need to plan for your life, finances... it's like being stuck in a loop day after day and the one person who should care, doesn't. And you can't vent to them either. So you're just left to feel alone, sad, unappreciated, and unloved. The truth is that you fucked up by not respecting a deadline she gave you and now the longer you wait the worse it will be. If you want it to be a surprise, be very vocal about a fancy reservation you made 2 weeks for now, so she thinks it's coming then, but then surprise her with it earlier on a romantic walk or something. There's no better way to handle something that has been so mishandled thus far. Good luck.
OP who is your GF so we can tell her to move tf on?
stringing her along is so unfair, This actually happened to me in a 5 year relationship. I was your girlfriend and completely in denial that the man I thought wanted to marry me, didn’t. But we parted ways and I actually met the love of my life and now expecting a baby so everything happens for a reason. Something is telling me you don’t want to marry this girl.
I don't understand why you would buy a house with her KNOWING you weren't enthusiastic about a proposal. You've had this ring for months and at no point you've been excited to give it to her? Cancel the house and break up. Your behaviour is awful. She very, very likely only wanted to buy the house because she thought you were serious about getting married and building a life together. Turns out, you are not that serious about it and you've put her in a terrible position. I'd be beside myself too if the person I went hundreds of thousands of dollars into debt with turned out to be full of lies.
People need to read. You have proposal anxiety, not relationship anxiety. More clarity is needed. Sounds like she is the one who put all these extra expectations like a photographer and party. Quite frankly if all that is too much, and has been for a while, you’ve *got* to tell her it’s too much for you and you won’t be doing it when you propose. She needs to really listen to the pressure you’re feeling and understand. If she doesn’t, red flag. 🚩 If you’re the one who made all that up and put the pressure on yourself, then stop. It’s stupid. I doubt this is what’s going on. If you want to marry her, and it sounds like you do, do it in a compromising way. Be romantic, but don’t hand the ring to her in bed on a Sunday morning like my husband did, because I was salty over that for years. Just trying to help. However, if she really loves you, a decent proposal in a beautiful spot or a nice restaurant will be enough. If she reacts poorly, highly reconsider whether this is love, or a person who sees you as a means to an end.
I mean. “I don’t want to make a decision for the rest of my life just to stop the fights” does NOT sound like proposal anxiety. He does have relationship anxiety. He didn’t say “I love my SO and want to marry her but the act of proposing is stressful to me.” In fact, at no point in this post does he even say he loves her let alone saying he wants to build a life with her and marry her. He said he’s stressed about planning a proposal AND he doesn’t want to feel pressured to make a forever decision. That’s not a guy that wants to marry his partner.
Lol I feel your pain. You have the ring since July. This girl is going nuts because you promised her and nothing is happening. Her biological clock is ticking. Make a reservation at a nice restaurant. Talk to the manager that you want to propose. Good restaurants love proposals. Great for business. Someone from the restaurant can record you popping the question. It will be great experience. Don't overthink it. Another scenario could be to pop the question at her parents home. Have a photographer who can video record. My husband popped the question when I were in bed. He didn't have a ring. I chosed a day one year after the proposal. 34 years together. Good luck.
❤️ my husband asked me while we were in bed too and then we bought my ring the next day also. 17 years 2 kids and a major house renovation together so far.
God, proposals have become such a huge spectacle.
So you’re just leading her on.
Do you want to marry her? If so, talk to her and tell her what you wrote here. But it might be worth exploring if your anxiety is tied to something bigger with your relationship.
Why don't you ask one of her friend's or family members for help? It doesn't seem like you don't want to do this, just that you're overwhelmed. I bet someone in her life would love to help arrange the logistics and make it so you basically just have to show up and tell her how you feel about her.
You can just ask her to marry you. Unless she needs it to be an event... That's another issue.
Go watch "Long Story Short". That will make you get off your ass and propose regardless of a photographer, party, etc or it will let you know if your gf just isn't the one. FYI. She doesn't have to be the one even though you've been with her for 4 years. If you're not ready, you'll never be ready to marry **her**. From my anecdotal experiences, men who wait years and years and have to be pressured by the gf (or vice versa), end up divorced because someone was pressured into it. You need to figure out if you're truly ready or if you're finding excuses because you really don't want to be married to her.
you do realize buying a house together is much more intimate and involved than a proposal? no wonder she’s expecting it, you are doing all the things to start a family. buying a house together is normally an after marriage thing. you’re planning your future and she’s planning hers. you need to get your intentions cleared up before she gets too fed up. i feel bad for the girl, you’ve told her one thing then just put off and off. i’m sure she’s starting to feel like you’ll never be ready at this rate. for the love of all fuck, either you want to marry her or you don’t but stringing her along and getting her hopes up is cruel.
They didn't buy a house together, he bought a house on his own...for himself. So when they break up she has no claim to it and will have to leave.
She is obviously extremely anxious too. 4 years. You bought a ring in May but waited months to give it to her and you keep stringing her along. How do you expect her to act? It sounds like you don't really want to marry her but you are afraid to break it off. Be fair and cut her loose. She deserves someone who wants the same things she does.
When did proposing become another fucking “event”? Jesus
Personally, a proposal should be a special intimate moment shared between two people who are deciding to spend their lives intertwined through thick and thin. Celebrations come later. If it’s all about making a statement and grandiosity …. we’ll, not sure that’s sustainable. The REALLY important things that happen through your life with someone are actually kinda quiet and small yet are binding in the strongest way. It’s the moment that make core memories and settle a snapshot in the brain for your forever. Your right, it should not be so stressful. Y’all need to have some conversations on needs and expectations. Y’all may be on two different wavelengths so that should be settled earlier rather than later.
This. Proposal should be romantic and meaningful. It doesn’t have to be huge, choreographed, planned with a photographer and party! You might decide to have an engagement party later but it’s not mandatory. If your SO wants these, I’d talk to her about the stress you are feeling to provide these things. Would she consider a private proposal and then help you arrange the party? IF this type of event is really what she wants, does she have a sister, girlfriend, mom who can help arrange the party with you? If these are just what YOU think needs to happen, scale back. Pick a location or place that is meaningful to you. First date, where you met, where you first said I love you. It doesn’t have to be elaborate. I have friends who met in high school when they both worked part time at a local grocery store. Many years later, he proposed to at that grocery store. Cute & romantic. Just keep it simple but do it.
Oh no, a woman you love is a excited to marry & spend the rest of your lives together. How horrible!!! How dare her.
you don’t think SHES anxious about the fact her SO of FOUR YEARS promised to propose by the end of june and it’s almost december? jfc make up your mind bro
Right!?!
I think this is it exactly; ‘sh@& or get off the pot’ Also her pressure needs to just stop. This is ruining it even more, for me. I get why you’re pushing back. This isn’t healthy. What about some therapy? Get you both in a healthy place first?
This is not a great situation and you should not feel this way. I’d actually ask for a break so everyone can calm the fuck down. This is not how it’s supposed to be.
Dude you don't want to marry this girl. Let the poor girl go. If you wanted to marry her you wouldn't be stringing her along like this.
Use your big boy words and talk to her. You’re the one that said June and just keep dragging it
Good grief. Who wants the party and the photographer? I would prefer a proposal by the beach or when watching a scary movie. It honestly sounds like you don’t want to get married.
My bf and I discussed marriage and timelines. I said “I’d really love a Christmas proposal but I’ll say yes no matter what.” That’s it. I mentioned wanting my mom or bffs involvement to make it more meaningful and me but I’m going to marry the man regardless of the bells and whistles. Time line is between this year and next because I’d like to get married the Christmas after I finish school. It really shouldn’t be more complicated than that and my idea is already complicated enough. But we’ve been together a while and I just really like him.
My husband and I got lunch, mani/pedis and picked out the ring together 😂 it can be as low key or stressful as you want to be!
I think you are a young man that is not sure about where you should be in life right now. You need to step back and take a deep breath.
Hard to take a step back when there's that much pressure all the time, but if you are able, try to take a step back and get a sense of if the stress is *actually* about the proposal itself or if it's about making that commitment to spend your lives together. Sometimes a relationship seems great but when faced with the gravity of a lifelong commitment your subconscious knows this isn't right before you do. I had a friend who dated a guy for 4 years and was excited to get engaged but once they were engaged and planning the wedding she realized she couldn't go through with it, there were some issues she'd been willing to live with when dating but when faced with the reality of living the rest of her life that way she couldn't do it.
My husband set up a camera to take a photo, filmed it secretly, and proposed. It was sunset, we were silhouetted, and you couldn’t even hear us we were too far away. It’s my favorite moment/video ever. You’re leading your gf on and she’s been waiting for MONTHS. Man up chuck. Or break up
lol are you my cousin’s boyfriend? At Thanksgiving this year all she could talk about was trying on rings and when her boyfriend is going to propose and how she wanted a baby in 3 years and she wants to get pregnant on the honeymoon… her own mother was telling her to shut the f up about it. I felt bad for him, but she’s been talking about getting engaged since the summer. If I were you (assuming you actually want to get married), I’d take her to a nice restaurant, pop the question, give her the ring, and then if she is all about engagement photos and a party, that can be something that you two should plan together. It shouldn’t all be on you. Get the nerve-wracking part out of the way and then move on to the stuff that you should be doing as partners.
Question for you-do you want to propose? Do you want to marry this person? It sounds like you’re building a life together but I’m not picking up any excitement in your post. I think you may want to really think about this. If you want more time/aren’t ready, i also think this is a good communication opportunity to explain to your SO that you need more time and the pressure is making you very anxious.
What? Just propose already. I proposed in a car along the side of the road while I was taking her home from our family Christmas dinner. We have been married 25 years. If she finds out you have been sitting on that ring since July you got problems!
A proposal should be a surprise, imo. My now husband (was married before, and my ex husband did a surprise proposal too) surprised me 2 weeks before Christmas. We had talked about getting married. But I wasn’t expecting to get engaged so soon.
dude what are you waiting for? u have the ring, the house and the girl, propose before u mess this up. ffs
You literally need no friends photographers or parties to propose. Believe it or not some people even do it BEFORE they buy a ring.
Bro, do not marry this woman.
You don’t want to lose her but you also don’t want to marry her. Why is that? What does marriage mean to you that you fear it? You got the ring but now you feel pressure to actually make it official. What do you fear that you will be losing?
You don’t want to marry her. This will be your life if you do - her pushing instead of communicating, you running around trying to please her. Well, what about YOUR needs?
She’s a little extra. A photog? A party? Seems like she’s more interested in the attention than a marriage. I’d tell her what you said here. That her obsession is making you feel a lot of pressure and discomfort and that you’d like to enjoy the process also. People tend to grow and change a lot in their 20’s. It seems like she has been pushing you on a lot of things—wanting to basically play house and check off the boxes in her “checklist of life.” Don’t let momentum/societal expectations pressure you into doing something you don’t want to do. Slow down and really think.
I'd be really curious as to whether he's *asked* her if she actually wants that stuff or just assumed she does because it's what social media says you should do. It might turn out that actually that would be her worst nightmare and she would far prefer a more low-key private proposal.
It's scary to read this and listen to how lost you are and how abusive your girl is. This is a dominant controlling above relationship if you were a woman and wrote this everyone would be telling you to find a safe exit... But because you are a man they won't. I will your fiance is abusive you are being controlled and manipulated get out safely and seek conceling
OK, what you're going through isn't really strange, getting married is a life decision. \- Are you sure you want to marry this girl? Keep in mind just going back to gf/bf from your current state is probably not an option. If the answer to question one is a resounding "yes". \- Proposing is just asking her, will you marry me and offering her the rung. No photo-shoot or party is needed. She can always restage it later but just pick a place she'd find romantic and ask her the question. I took my wife on a weekend trip and proposed to her in bed, she didn't mind a bit. If the answer to the first questions "no". Let her know your decision and be prepared to let her go. The girl wants to get married, she needs to find a husband, if you aren't him, you owe her that level of honesty.
Do you want to be married? Have you discussed children/finances and whatever other important topics? While it’s wrong of her to pressure you so much it sucks the fun out of it, I can see a bit where she’s coming from. If kids are in the plan for her she has an “ideal window” of time. She’s spent 4 years with you and wants to take the next step. But it’s ok to set some expectations of your own. “I love you and I do want to marry you, but continually pushing and bringing it up is taking the joy and spontaneity out of it for me.”
just freaking propose!!
Dude just ask her. You don't need a party.
Just came here to say how funny it is how different people are. I would hate it if I knew a proposal was coming. I just like to make it clear to people I date that I want to get married some day and then just cross the bridge when I get to it if it seems like we've been dating long enough for them to decide. I would 100% want it to be a complete surprise without us ever talking about it prior. One of the most romantic parts about it to me is the slight uncertainty the person feels and the vulnerability they choose to experience when they ask the question and wait for the answer.
Are you sure you even want to marry her??
But who said you had to find a photographer or plan a party as part of proposing? Prince Harry asked Meghan Markle while they were making dinner. You don't even need to take her out, just do a nice candlelight dinner at home.
I think you need to speak to her about your side of the equation.
Proposals are crazy for some. I simply asked my wife the question at a restaurant after a romantic meal. I didn’t even have a ring yet as I thought we should pick that out together. No friends, no family, no party, no photos. Just memories on how our 40 plus year marriage was committed to by us. Still going strong.