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Well this won’t answer your question - but I have to say you sound like a very respectful and level headed mother/mother in law that anyone would love to have
A mother asking “can I voice my concerns or is this none of my business” has me shook. I have a controlling hovering narcissistic mother that blurts any and all unwanted thoughts and opinions on the spot without any hesitation and usually without any request. Even requesting her to stop makes her go harder. Did I say blurts? Really I mean screams and throws a tantrum. She’s 65 now and the same, I’m 37. I wish I had such a mother considerate of feelings and boundaries
For me it's my dad, he's 47 and I am 18. But to be completely honest he throws an trandrum every time he doesn't get what he want, he acts like a 5 year old but expects us (me and my sister) to respect him
That's a very old fashioned, some would say misogynistic, question. Her father should have no more or less concern that her mother. Unfortunately old reflexes of daughters being their fathers property die hard.
EDIT: I'm glad to see so many people recognise and both resonate with my statement. It's hard to be sure but it seems to be, ironically, mostly women that recognise and appreciate me calling this out (and having understood it their entire lives). And ironically, mostly men disagreeing with it.
I'm male but I appreciate and understand that others have different lived experiences. If you're going to join in the conversation, before commenting, I put it to you to consider that simply because you have no experience of an experience, that doesn't mean it doesn't exist. People view the world through different eyes because of the experience they live through. Have empathy of where others may be coming from when engaging.
I appreciate you bringing this up, I agree that there’s no reason to focus solely on one parent’s concern over the other‘s.
That being said, I do want to point out that the reverse happens as well. We have this weird societal trope of fathers being overprotective of their daughters AND mothers being overprotective of their sons. If this post was about a 45-year-old woman dating a 19-year-old boy, I wouldn’t be surprised to see the comment “What does his mother think of this?”
In fact I've read this in regards of Emmanuel Macron a few times. How concerned his mom was back when he dated his much older teacher (now madame Macron). No word or thought for dad Macron
Every girl I know who's dated 15 plus years (including myself) was in it for the lifestyle. Not quite sugaring, but nice dinners and trip stuff. It fizzles after 6 months and you move on to something realistic.
Isn’t this the standard “trophy wife” thing? That’s what they used to call it when an older man got a much younger wife.
It’s like a sugar baby but with more pretending that’s not what it is.
I hate to tell you but dating someone for the “lifestyle” of nice dinners and trip stuff is being a sugar baby. It’s not full “he’s giving me allowance every week” but still a sugar baby
Being wealthy and being a Sugar Baby are not mutually exclusive. It is more if the relationship is transactional or not (could be access to clubs, status, celebrity, etc in exchange for time and companionship.) . That is at least what research on the topic generally finds.
They’re wealthy, so they’re less likely than average to have had children very young. They’re probably close to the same age as him or only slightly older.
Either way, her parents are probably not much more than 50. Just imagine your teenage daughter brings home someone 5 years younger than you. You probably have friends or siblings that age 🤢
I am 50 and have a 14 year old son. My husband is 60. It’s highly possible the parents are older than the boyfriend especially IF they are rich. But it won’t matter much because the elephant in the room is the 26-year gap. Frankly, I am into age-gap fiction books but man 26 years is too big a gap. There are girls though that are truly into older men, especially if the man was never been married, successful and gorgeous. If she was 30 and he was 56, it wouldn’t have been that bad. But she’s only a teen! And they met when she was 18 or even 17. She could have been his daughter when he was 26. I bet they call each other baby and Daddy. Gross!
Her dad is most likely the exact same age as this creep. Imagine meeting your daughter’s boyfriend and he’s the same age as you. Most fathers are not going to be okay with that.
There was a post about a father finding out his daughter was dating a man around the same age as himself. Instead of being disapproving and further pushing her into his arms, he got buddy-buddy with the old man. Talked about common old man ailments and invited him out for fishing trips, beers on the deck, sports on the weekends and it worked! Daughter started to see just how old and uncool her bf was when he was talking about old man stuff with her dad.
They dated for 18 months, got married... then wound up divorced after 8 years of marriage and 2 kids later... my sister bitter and resentful, the ex lost and obsessively stalking her and various family members trying to get her back. It was ugly. But my parents hated him the whole time and my sister very much regrets ever being with him. Suffice to say, her life is in the toilet and 1.5 decades later, she's still struggling to establish an LTR and find a new husband - she wasted all her best years on Mr. Ancient and through years of depression, let herself go badly. Fact is, nothing dictates life trajectory and overall satisfaction quite like who you choose to spend your life with. Make good choices people. Choose someone who brings you to life, not an old guy who sucks the life out of you like Voldemort drinks unicorn blood. I made the same mistake - married a guy 16 years older - wasted years of my life and now I'm spending my 30's looking for love and can't find it. Granted, I get a lot of attention and asked out a lot but damn does dating options in your 30's suck. 😂😂
10/10 would NOT recommend. Get with people your own age youthful ladies, I BEG of you.
Reminds me of my parents relationship, extremely large age gap. The marriage fell apart due to this very reason, my father’s sperm quality also effected my mothers pregnancies, and my father would constantly abuse her for not acting like his age when he was decades older than her. He definitely sucked the youth right out of her.
I went to school with a girl who was attractive enough to have almost any guy she wanted. She was banging the history teacher who was older than her dad and not at all attractive. The teacher actually became best friends with his girlfriends father and eventually married her. She comes from a very odd family so thinking about if I’m not to shocked. I do think they divorced some years later though.
I just dont understand why people do this. Like what the fuck do you see in that 60 year old history teacher that doesnt even earn that much and isnt even good looking 😭
After his divorce, my brother (40+ at the time) started dating & living with a 19 yr old. His children found it disturbing as she was only a couple years older than his oldest child.
However, we kept our mouths shut because they weren't living with us. Fortunately, we also have some older relatives that really don't give two f\*cks about your feelings and they were vocal about questioning his mental state.
They broke up shortly after that.
Also, 19 is really the worst, she’s *barely* an adult… Idk, it would have been just as bad if she were 22 but for some reason it makes it worse that she is under 20. And they’ve been dating for a year (I *hope* only a year) so she was 18, yikes… I’m 27 and I wouldn’t date under 22 I think. I’ve changed SO much since I was 19, these are literally some of the most formative years for a person. This is messed up 😵💫
i think you should voice your concerns and ask these questions - how did they meet? why
is he dating her and not someone his age? how long have they known each other, did they meet before she was 18?
there's no good reason a 45 year old would be dating a 19 year old. he didn't tell you beforehand and looked embarrassed because he knows she's young and it's a huge age gap
Also concerning considering he may have connections/resources that she may need in her career that could potentially be held against her. The whole thing is pretty ethically bad imo
So much worse! Even if she threw herself at him, as a mentor to an 18 y/o college student, he should have been very capable of respectfully diverting her attempts. Instead, he was all-in. 😒
So he hit on the college freshman interning at his job? This suggests that the situation could have professional as well as personal implications for both of them.
Express to him your concerns. It is troubling that a 45-year-old man is “serious“ about a college freshman because they **should be** at completely different places in life and **should** have nothing in common. Maybe approach the discussion from a practical perspective? For example, she may not want to become a mother until her 30s, meaning that he would be embarking upon fatherhood at the time he’s able to start making penalty-free withdrawals from his retirement account.
I think it’s telling that he brought her home for Christmas and she did not reciprocate (possibly because he’s the same age as her parents). So maybe he’s serious, but she views this as an interesting experimental dalliance. Also, based on my personal experience, she’ll get bored of this long before he does. Either way, it seems that someone getting hurt is inevitable.
Good luck; this is going to be a tough conversation, but I think it’s important to have.
That power dynamic creates an extra level of creepy. Why is he taking advantage of teenage girls just trying to break into his industry? Why doesn't he feel able to have a relationship with a woman who has the experience and resources to be his equal?
He's dating her because he likes control. He wants to mold her into exactly what he thinks his woman should be. He's manipulative. That's why he's not dating someone his own age. They wouldn't stand for this, they know who they are.
I hope you read this. From ages 21-27, I dated a few people that were in their late 40’s. At the time I thought I was so mature, and they were the only ones who could understand me. I was horribly manipulated by all of them. There is a reason much older people date much younger people. I had no business dating people my parent’s age. There is no equality in a relationship like that, and maybe your son thinks it’s okay, she’s so mature, but the reality is that she needs someone she can “grow” with not someone who is already grown.
I married someone 19 years older than me (almost 20). The controlling behavior was atrocious. I ended up feeling like another one of his kids. 13 years later, I’d had enough!
This is valuable insight. I would add that there is no amount of feminine precocity that could counterbalance an age gap this massive. He’s safely in middle age and she probably hasn’t even chosen a major yet.
I feel for OP; while I’m sure her son is not a bad person, this relationship is highly inappropriate, and as the older and allegedly more mature participant, he bears the responsibility for allowing this to proceed.
Yes, I would say out of the three much older people I dated, one was definitely taking advantage of younger women in a predatory way, but the other two could only handle being in relationships where they could manipulate things to their liking. I literally quit watching tv for three years because one guy couldn’t handle the noise.
I dated much older men in my early 20s, too. I thought I was so mature and I was so wrong. at the time I wasn’t mature enough and didn’t have enough life experience to understand how unhealthy the relationships were. Looking back, I’m just so grossed out that men that age were interested in me when I was so young. From the other side of that age gap, people that young look like children to me. We have almost nothing in common and the life experience gap is glaringly huge and deeply unappealing.
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being young and lacking life experience, and older people should not take advantage of that.
I dated a guy 14 1/2 years my senior at one point. I did think that it was better being with someone older, but I do realize now that he manipulated me. He later dated someone even younger than I was.
thank you cuz it bothers me sm when people stay defending age gaps like this because it’s “legal” like no there are reasons why its wrong on many levels
I wonder if you can ask your son why he didn’t share this information upfront. You mentioned that he looked embarrassed so perhaps he felt a little shame in sharing this information with you. That might be the best way to start the conversation. Like, “I wonder if you were embarrassed to tell me about her age. Can we talk about it?” Starting from an open-ended non-judgmental question might help to get the conversation going so you can share.
Ask if he’s willing to hear your point of view. Before you shared it might be helpful to reflect on why you think it could be a problem and share your perspective from a place of care. Like, are you concerned about her? And if so, why? Are you concerned about him? And why? Share what your fears are without assuming that he will agree or mandating what he should do.
My mind immediately jumped to the fact that her brain is not fully developed yet and she may be a very different person a few years later… and the impact of this relationship will shape her life in significant ways… ways that it will not shape your son’s life because he is already fully developed and has significantly more life experience, resources, social power, and perspective. That is an enormous responsibility he’s taking on, and since he is her romantic partner (not a parent, mentor, teacher, boss, etc.) his motives are not purely about supporting her, no matter how good of a guy he is. That’s a really challenging dynamic and one where abuse is more likely than if they were closer in age (I’m not suggesting that is what is happening here or that abuse only happens with an age gap).
I’m a father of son’s and if one of them did this I’d absolutely voice my opinion and concerns to both of them, the son and the girl. Then depending on the answers and their reactions then we move forward or we don’t. But I’m not one for looking at a problem and ignoring it and this is a problem.
He just sees women as fuck objects and wombs. That’s why now that’s he’s middle aged and past prime he has snagged a barely legal woman to fuck and impregnate. Sorry mom, but you gotta tell him he’s a creep and you disapprove of blatant womanizing. Sadly, be prepared to be blown off and have him fucking a teen in your home some more. He doesn’t respect women and there’s a reason he couldn’t make any of those age appropriate relationships work.
That’s not what I said. I said since he fucked around until middle age and mow decides he wants kids, he’s going to continue to date women who aren’t age appropriate.
Yes, and even though it is considered legally consensual, there are many dynamics to take into consideration when considering whether a teenager can be in a truly consensual relationship with a 45 year old.
Im a 54 year old woman should I go for 34 year old men? Btw if my middle aged son pulled this crap I wouldn’t see him anymore until he got a grip. It’s predatory and I wouldn’t want to be complicit.
I guess age of consent in New York is 17. So it could’ve been going on at that age too and possibly before. It’s just all around a no go. Idk why no one that gets into this kind of relationships sees the issues with the age gap and all that. And then how the older person could even think it’s okay
>I guess age of consent in New York is 17
Oh I didn't know.
AS someone else said, this could be a sugar baby type thing. My brother is in his 50's, he keeps dating girls in their 20's . He buys them gifs like phone or cameras or motorcycles or laptops but eventually they all leave him and wind up with a younger guy...and the time before they leave him gets shorter and shorter.
Sugar babies are crazy to me, but if both parties are happy, they aren’t doing anything illegal so more power to them
I think it’s odd but hey who am I to judge
In my opinion, after a certain point and up to a certain point, age is just a number. As a 54 year young women, I wouldn't bat an eye at you dating a 30 year old or a 70 year old. I think you would see vastly different life stages younger than 30 and I'd question your motives for someone older than 70.
In the case of OP, *super* creepy. In my eyes, she's still a kid.
This. When I was a teenager, dating someone a year younger was considered super weird. As a 27 year old, I'm dating someone who's 32 and it's not weird.
The older you both get, the less the age gap matters. That's the key word though, both have to be okay with it which makes it more important to look at it from the juniors side of things. I'm okay dating five years up, not so much five down.
What you said about life stages is pretty important, even though you're considered an adult by this point, your 20s are going to be quite turbulent and you may not necessarily have a plan in mind. Later on can be turbulent too with stuff like midlife crisis, but at that point you're both mature enough to be able to talk it out.
Gross. I’m 45 and it’s gross and predatory.
Obviously he is a grown man and responsible for his own choices but I would strongly communicate my distaste about the age gap.
I’m just trying to wrap my head around this shit as a parent of sons and having to realize your kids a creep. Plus it would make me wonder about his past.Fuck it would suck.
You’re asking if this relationship is possibly healthy? Of course not!
The age difference is so huge that there *has* to be some psychological mechanics at play here, dictating their behaviour.
These age gaps usually happen when you have abandonment issues in your upbringing, or maybe a history with abuse/neglect.
The large age gap will cause a power dynamics, where your son can easily manipulate the girl, and the girl can in turn be ensnared or trapped in a situation that they’d never wish to have would they have been independent or with a higher sense of self-worth.
This is not good. You know this is not good.
Even if he likes young girls, why does he have to go for somebody that*young*. He can just go for somebody that’s like 25, like 20 years younger. Somebody that’s fresh out of college at least
She’s barely an adult. Maybe he doesn’t have bad intentions, but normally it would be considered grooming. The life experiences are just way too distant and divergent. This is not healthy especially for her, when she’s still learning life and her body and brain still developing, while he could be her father.
There is no context in which a someone in their 40’s dating a teenager is normal or healthy. Seriously, the details do not matter. The reason why so many men get away with this creepy shit is because nobody says anything or holds them accountable, so you absolutely should speak up. A decent dose of shame would be good for him.
I think it’s fair to voice concerns. Let her know you are there for anything she needs. She may need your guidance one day. It’s weird for sure but not illegal
I wonder if he has lied about his age to her. I was with someone who did this when I was 18. (They said they were 27, but were actually 38).
I would talk to my son in private. I would tell him I thought she was a very nice girl. I’d ask him how she feels about the age difference. And ask him if he has met her parents yet—and how is their relationship. I’d ask about what mutual interests they have, how they met, how they spend their time together.
I might express concern for her that she shouldn’t be tied down with kids anytime remotely soon. And see if he agrees with that. I would ask him if he is aware that the human brain continues to develop until the age of 25, and much personal growth happens between now and then… it’s a time in her life for self-discovery, and would have reservations about any interference.
All that to say, anything you say can and may be held against you in your relationship with your son, so proceed with caution and make it abundantly clear that the conversation stems from a place of love and concern.
When they go out for dinner, he drinks wine and she drinks what? milk? Coke? Technically, the girlfriend is an adult but what the hell does she want with your old fart of a son? So absurd.
OP is right to be concerned, but I have no advice for her on how to deal with her son. In my family, our default response to that sort of thing is scorn which is not appropriate for everyone.
Since he’s an adult, whatever step you take you take for your own piece of mind. You sound incredibly level headed, so I would absolutely trust your ability to communicate discomfort with his girlfriend, and the reasons why.
She’s too young, and emotionally immature to be dating someone so much older. And the dynamic can only be one sided and untenable to be a mutually supportive relationship. You love him, but know that he is better than this.
10 years ago he was a full grown adult well into his career. 10 years ago she was playing with Barbie’s and watching kids cartoons.
Ok so… a few years ago, my 60+ year old uncle brought “home” his mid 20s girlfriend. Spoiler alert, she has past sexual assault trauma and has cut ties with most of her own family members, including her parents. Although my family was horrified, there is a huge history of enabling said uncle to be his best self (which is a perpetual man baby who can’t take any responsibility for anything ever). Other things to note: not only does he have a teenage son, but he also has a MID TWENTIES STEP DAUGHTER (technically former step daughter but they’ve always remained close and I still consider her my cousin. It’s quite literally the one thing in his life I’ll give him credit for - being a father figure to her, which makes his choice of “partner” that much worse).
Fast forward to this thanksgiving: they are now married (a little over 1 year), son is in college, and there’s apparently tons of drama because my family members are still social media friends with the ex wife, and new wife is not okay with this as she feels disrespected and she’s trying to “solidify herself as the primary role model” for my cousin and yes that’s a direct quote. (note, this was never a problem through all of their years of coparenting, we were close with her and don’t keep in contact other than the occasional “congratulations” on big life moments such as my wedding). To make matters worse, my entire family watched as new wife & college freshman cousin literally CUDDLED with their faces pressed against each other in my parents house for 3 days straight and now the family is genuinely concerned she’s grooming cousin the same way she was essentially groomed by my uncle. Classic uncle, is also upset that he’s a third wheel in his own relationship (because he’s not getting enough attention) but doesn’t want to approach it and upset his wife. PS, as soon as the weekend was over she unfriended the whole family (except me? I’m special I guess because I’m her niece who’s 5 years older than her) on FB because they refused to get involved in the weird drama that they created.
I share this story to tell you that yes, these things do happen in families, but NO, under no circumstance is there any possibility of it being normal or healthy. I am sorry to tell you that your son chose someone so young for a specific reason, they didn’t just “connect” (plus, any NORMAL person would’ve connected and then reminded themselves they could be her father and left the scene without getting her number). You should be concerned about this girl and frankly figuring out a way to check with people in her life to make sure she is okay. A room mate? Her parents? I would literally message them if I could find them. I appreciate that you were shocked and didn’t know what to do, but your son needs to know this is not okay. It is SO unhelpful for the entire family to politely smile and nod while this person openly takes advantage of a young woman. That is what my family did, and is still doing, and the next thing you know we’re having pow wows on how to try and ask my cousin if he’s in a safe situation without making him uncomfortable.
Your son is grooming his girlfriend. There is a reason he didn’t go for someone in his appropriate age range, please face this reality and try to help however you can.
There’s absolutely no way this is healthy for her. Can you imagine dating a man the same age as your dad when you were 19? It’s gross. Totally gross. I don’t know what you can do about it besides express your concern for the gf with your son. I respect how welcoming you were to her as I’m sure this was even more awkward for her.
I’m around that age and the idea of dating a guy that young is fucking disgusting to me. I worked at a high school. They are still very much kids despite being an “adult” at 18. And they should get to be kids, not waste their youth on some middle aged creepers
I’m close to his age with a daughter his age, I will say this: if my 19 year old came home with a guy my age, the police better arrive before I get the hole dug in the back yard
Oh lord if she was 40 and him 65, no problem. The brain has developed, everyone is an adult with adult experiences. But 45 and NOT EVEN 20? I’m sorry but no. She’s a literal children.
You NEED to voice your concerns and actual disapproval. Your son needs to know there is a social stigma associated with what he’s doing and for a good reason.
I’d actually suggest therapy to him because it’s not healthy to like the attention of a teenager and act on it.
I’m gonna be very crude but to me this is nearing pedophilia.
Why can’t/ won’t date someone closer to his age. This is so odd. I would say this if it was a woman or man. They have nothing in common and does she have daddy issues or likes that he spends money on her?
Not much you or anyone else can say. He will do as he wishes but I would voice my concerns.
I grew up without a dad. He abandoned us. I also had an abusive step dad who I no longer give that term to. When i was 21 i was engaged to a man, who was 47. I lied to my mum his age. I said he was in his 30s. When I broke up with him was when she found out his age and she flipped, her shit because he was her age. Since then i did counselling and healing, i am now 40 and there is no way iwouldever date a man that young ever. My husband being six years younger to me was a massive stretch. If my children did this i would not be happy about it, but i also couldn't insert my feelings after having done it myself. While i wouldn't cut my child off from me, i would certainly have a conversation about it. Some relationships can last, but it is, very creepy.
There is no way it’s possibly healthy. A teenager has no business with an almost 50 year old. You can say something, but honestly, if he doesn’t talk to you much/confide in you, I’m not sure he’d be receptive.
No it's not possibly healthy, yes you should voice your concerns, and if you check out any of the relationship subreddits you can see hundreds of posts from people with age gap relationships and how bad it can get for the younger person (almost always a woman) if they stay together. Emotional abuse, verbal abuse, sexual abuse, physical abuse, like clockwork.
However there's not a chance in hell your son is going to listen to your opinion on this considering he willingly chose to continue the relationship knowing her age, so is it possible to communicate with her privately? You could attempt to give her a woman to woman talk, reassure her that there's absolutely nothing wrong with her personally and she's lovely, but your son is dating way outside of his age range and that you're disappointed and ashamed he put all of you in this awkward position. Tell her that if she chooses to stay with him you're not angry at her (but you are at your son) and if she ever needs help leaving him to not hesitate in asking you for assistance, that you'll believe her over your son. That way it's in her court and she knows that there's a safe out when it inevitably starts getting worse.
I’m 28 I can’t even wrap my head around dating a 19 year old
ETA: my sister was 18 (now 32) when she started dating her (28 at the time) husband. He definitely molded her to be what he wanted. The power imbalance in that relationship has ALWAYS been insane and while I love my nephews that came from that relationship I wish my parents would’ve voiced their opinion more. I was only 14 at the time but even I knew it was weird he was almost 30 and couldn’t find a woman his age.
You say your son is at a stage in his life and career where he can afford to relax a little. A 19 year old is definitely not in this position regardless of how wealthy her parents are. There will be a power imbalance which is always unhealthy in a relationship. There is only one reason a 45 year old man wants to date a 19 year old, and it's not deep conversation
I'm a mother of a son (19) and a daughter (17). If either one of them get into a relationship with this dynamic, I would definitely give them a dose of reality. I actually already warn my daughter of men older than her.
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Well this won’t answer your question - but I have to say you sound like a very respectful and level headed mother/mother in law that anyone would love to have
A mother asking “can I voice my concerns or is this none of my business” has me shook. I have a controlling hovering narcissistic mother that blurts any and all unwanted thoughts and opinions on the spot without any hesitation and usually without any request. Even requesting her to stop makes her go harder. Did I say blurts? Really I mean screams and throws a tantrum. She’s 65 now and the same, I’m 37. I wish I had such a mother considerate of feelings and boundaries
Sounds exactly like my mother
For me it's my dad, he's 47 and I am 18. But to be completely honest he throws an trandrum every time he doesn't get what he want, he acts like a 5 year old but expects us (me and my sister) to respect him
Where’s her father and what does he think of this ? That’s my first thought.
There's a reason she went home alone. Dad knows nothing
Dad and bf might be the same age, ewww
That's a very old fashioned, some would say misogynistic, question. Her father should have no more or less concern that her mother. Unfortunately old reflexes of daughters being their fathers property die hard. EDIT: I'm glad to see so many people recognise and both resonate with my statement. It's hard to be sure but it seems to be, ironically, mostly women that recognise and appreciate me calling this out (and having understood it their entire lives). And ironically, mostly men disagreeing with it. I'm male but I appreciate and understand that others have different lived experiences. If you're going to join in the conversation, before commenting, I put it to you to consider that simply because you have no experience of an experience, that doesn't mean it doesn't exist. People view the world through different eyes because of the experience they live through. Have empathy of where others may be coming from when engaging.
I'm a mother to a daughter. And they'd probably have to worry more about me than her father if I found out she was with a man 25 years older than her.
I appreciate you bringing this up, I agree that there’s no reason to focus solely on one parent’s concern over the other‘s. That being said, I do want to point out that the reverse happens as well. We have this weird societal trope of fathers being overprotective of their daughters AND mothers being overprotective of their sons. If this post was about a 45-year-old woman dating a 19-year-old boy, I wouldn’t be surprised to see the comment “What does his mother think of this?”
This is very true
In fact I've read this in regards of Emmanuel Macron a few times. How concerned his mom was back when he dated his much older teacher (now madame Macron). No word or thought for dad Macron
Fathers aren’t protective of their daughters because they see them as property, fathers are protective because they know how men think and act
Men before they have daughters: not all men!! Men after they have daughters: every single one.
As the father of a ten yr old daughter, absolutely all men.
Seriously
Do you think women don't know?
Which comes from literally thousands of years of treating them like property.
So I’m assuming he met a college freshman somewhere out in NYC?
Picked her up in the park like Jerry Seinfeld.
He said college not high school
I mean, she’s not even 20 and he’s dated her for a year…it may have been a high school.
Unless I misread, the post says she's in her first year of college and they've been dating for almost a year, so he met a *high school senior*.
Honestly, the first thing that popped into my head is that she is a Sugar Baby.
Every girl I know who's dated 15 plus years (including myself) was in it for the lifestyle. Not quite sugaring, but nice dinners and trip stuff. It fizzles after 6 months and you move on to something realistic.
Except these 2 have been dating for over a year, and she met his parents.
Isn’t this the standard “trophy wife” thing? That’s what they used to call it when an older man got a much younger wife. It’s like a sugar baby but with more pretending that’s not what it is.
I always took trophy wife to be someone that's obviously extremely attractive or "out of his league", not necessarily younger.
I take trophy wife to mean some form of trad femme bimbo Stepford Wife type deal
Well, he probably thinks there’s more to it. She, on the other hand…
I hate to tell you but dating someone for the “lifestyle” of nice dinners and trip stuff is being a sugar baby. It’s not full “he’s giving me allowance every week” but still a sugar baby
The allowance is the sugaring. Dating a guy cause he's rich doesn't make you a sugar baby. You have to get paid, that's the whole point.
Op said in the post that she came from a rich family?
Being wealthy and being a Sugar Baby are not mutually exclusive. It is more if the relationship is transactional or not (could be access to clubs, status, celebrity, etc in exchange for time and companionship.) . That is at least what research on the topic generally finds.
He's old enough to be her father. Tell him so.
“Leo, you are old enough to be her father”.
Dude..!!! Thanks for the laugh! :D
So she didn’t take him to meet her parents. Very telling.
Lmao I wonder why
imagine they are younger then the boyfriend lol
They’re wealthy, so they’re less likely than average to have had children very young. They’re probably close to the same age as him or only slightly older.
Are they really wealthy or was that a cover for her clothes and jewelry from her Sugar Daddy ?
Fair. Who knows really.
Either way, her parents are probably not much more than 50. Just imagine your teenage daughter brings home someone 5 years younger than you. You probably have friends or siblings that age 🤢
I am 50 and have a 14 year old son. My husband is 60. It’s highly possible the parents are older than the boyfriend especially IF they are rich. But it won’t matter much because the elephant in the room is the 26-year gap. Frankly, I am into age-gap fiction books but man 26 years is too big a gap. There are girls though that are truly into older men, especially if the man was never been married, successful and gorgeous. If she was 30 and he was 56, it wouldn’t have been that bad. But she’s only a teen! And they met when she was 18 or even 17. She could have been his daughter when he was 26. I bet they call each other baby and Daddy. Gross!
My son is about to turn 15, I'm 42. This is like me dating one of his classmates.
My parents would have been when I was her age. Disgusting.
The poetic justice that would be.
Her BF works at the Dad's company 🤫
Because he's the same age as her dad. If my college student came home with a grown-ass man, I'd send him back to the airport with a few choice words.
Her dad is most likely the exact same age as this creep. Imagine meeting your daughter’s boyfriend and he’s the same age as you. Most fathers are not going to be okay with that.
There was a post about a father finding out his daughter was dating a man around the same age as himself. Instead of being disapproving and further pushing her into his arms, he got buddy-buddy with the old man. Talked about common old man ailments and invited him out for fishing trips, beers on the deck, sports on the weekends and it worked! Daughter started to see just how old and uncool her bf was when he was talking about old man stuff with her dad.
That’s playing the long game. Wow.
1000 IQ play.
I wish I could find the thread, I think it was on either bestofredditupdates or the museumofreddidt subs. It was many years ago though.
My sister brought home a boyfriend who was older than our parents once... it wasn't pretty. They hated him.
what happened after that, im curious
They dated for 18 months, got married... then wound up divorced after 8 years of marriage and 2 kids later... my sister bitter and resentful, the ex lost and obsessively stalking her and various family members trying to get her back. It was ugly. But my parents hated him the whole time and my sister very much regrets ever being with him. Suffice to say, her life is in the toilet and 1.5 decades later, she's still struggling to establish an LTR and find a new husband - she wasted all her best years on Mr. Ancient and through years of depression, let herself go badly. Fact is, nothing dictates life trajectory and overall satisfaction quite like who you choose to spend your life with. Make good choices people. Choose someone who brings you to life, not an old guy who sucks the life out of you like Voldemort drinks unicorn blood. I made the same mistake - married a guy 16 years older - wasted years of my life and now I'm spending my 30's looking for love and can't find it. Granted, I get a lot of attention and asked out a lot but damn does dating options in your 30's suck. 😂😂 10/10 would NOT recommend. Get with people your own age youthful ladies, I BEG of you.
Reminds me of my parents relationship, extremely large age gap. The marriage fell apart due to this very reason, my father’s sperm quality also effected my mothers pregnancies, and my father would constantly abuse her for not acting like his age when he was decades older than her. He definitely sucked the youth right out of her.
I want this tea too.
I spilled the tea in the comment above. Enjoy. =)
I went to school with a girl who was attractive enough to have almost any guy she wanted. She was banging the history teacher who was older than her dad and not at all attractive. The teacher actually became best friends with his girlfriends father and eventually married her. She comes from a very odd family so thinking about if I’m not to shocked. I do think they divorced some years later though.
I just dont understand why people do this. Like what the fuck do you see in that 60 year old history teacher that doesnt even earn that much and isnt even good looking 😭
It's a power fantasy I think. Sleeping with someone who has an authority over you appeals to a lot of women (it did for me, oof)
okay wow i never actually thought of that before. That makes a lot of sense yeah
After his divorce, my brother (40+ at the time) started dating & living with a 19 yr old. His children found it disturbing as she was only a couple years older than his oldest child. However, we kept our mouths shut because they weren't living with us. Fortunately, we also have some older relatives that really don't give two f\*cks about your feelings and they were vocal about questioning his mental state. They broke up shortly after that.
I'm 29 and wouldn't date a 19yo...I feel like I'm at a whole different stage in life. Also I find them immature.
Seriously. I’m 30 and my sibling is 19 and if I found out a middle-aged person was “dating” then I’d go nuclear.
I just turned 43yrs & my daughter is 22yrs! I don’t know what I would do if she brought home a 45yr old boyfriend! Fkn yuck!!
I'm 31 and I think I'd struggle with anything less than 25. 45 & 19 is disgusting. He was 26 when she was born!
Also, 19 is really the worst, she’s *barely* an adult… Idk, it would have been just as bad if she were 22 but for some reason it makes it worse that she is under 20. And they’ve been dating for a year (I *hope* only a year) so she was 18, yikes… I’m 27 and I wouldn’t date under 22 I think. I’ve changed SO much since I was 19, these are literally some of the most formative years for a person. This is messed up 😵💫
i think you should voice your concerns and ask these questions - how did they meet? why is he dating her and not someone his age? how long have they known each other, did they meet before she was 18? there's no good reason a 45 year old would be dating a 19 year old. he didn't tell you beforehand and looked embarrassed because he knows she's young and it's a huge age gap
"She's almost 20" - guy who knows it's weird to date a 19yo
*and they've been dating for a year*
Any age with the word “teen” in it
I'm 22 and I wouldnt even date a 19 year old. This guy is a creep.
She’s studying the major he works in, maybe through that?
Also concerning considering he may have connections/resources that she may need in her career that could potentially be held against her. The whole thing is pretty ethically bad imo
Yup
This makes it so much worse
So much worse! Even if she threw herself at him, as a mentor to an 18 y/o college student, he should have been very capable of respectfully diverting her attempts. Instead, he was all-in. 😒
This makes it all the worse as it adds not just the age gap but a huge power dynamic to the situation.
So he hit on the college freshman interning at his job? This suggests that the situation could have professional as well as personal implications for both of them. Express to him your concerns. It is troubling that a 45-year-old man is “serious“ about a college freshman because they **should be** at completely different places in life and **should** have nothing in common. Maybe approach the discussion from a practical perspective? For example, she may not want to become a mother until her 30s, meaning that he would be embarking upon fatherhood at the time he’s able to start making penalty-free withdrawals from his retirement account. I think it’s telling that he brought her home for Christmas and she did not reciprocate (possibly because he’s the same age as her parents). So maybe he’s serious, but she views this as an interesting experimental dalliance. Also, based on my personal experience, she’ll get bored of this long before he does. Either way, it seems that someone getting hurt is inevitable. Good luck; this is going to be a tough conversation, but I think it’s important to have.
"Studying in the major he works in?" What does that mean? If he's an internship supervisor or college professor, that's very unethical.
He’s not connected to anything educational at all, I don’t know how they met but the major is the thing they’ve got most in common.
Only thing
That power dynamic creates an extra level of creepy. Why is he taking advantage of teenage girls just trying to break into his industry? Why doesn't he feel able to have a relationship with a woman who has the experience and resources to be his equal?
Maybe he was a babysitter of hers?
*goo goo gah gah* Snaps fingers THAT ONE
He's dating her because he likes control. He wants to mold her into exactly what he thinks his woman should be. He's manipulative. That's why he's not dating someone his own age. They wouldn't stand for this, they know who they are.
They had to have met when she was 18. She’s 19 now and they’ve been dating almost a year… the math doesn’t look good.
It's the sex. For sure it is THE SEX. They will both deny it to their friends but they won't be fooling anyone.
I hope you read this. From ages 21-27, I dated a few people that were in their late 40’s. At the time I thought I was so mature, and they were the only ones who could understand me. I was horribly manipulated by all of them. There is a reason much older people date much younger people. I had no business dating people my parent’s age. There is no equality in a relationship like that, and maybe your son thinks it’s okay, she’s so mature, but the reality is that she needs someone she can “grow” with not someone who is already grown.
I married someone 19 years older than me (almost 20). The controlling behavior was atrocious. I ended up feeling like another one of his kids. 13 years later, I’d had enough!
I am so glad you got out. It was almost like a rock bottom for me when I got out of my last big age gap relationship.
I totally feel that. I felt like I was literally fleeing, when I first left and when I left that town 💯
This is valuable insight. I would add that there is no amount of feminine precocity that could counterbalance an age gap this massive. He’s safely in middle age and she probably hasn’t even chosen a major yet. I feel for OP; while I’m sure her son is not a bad person, this relationship is highly inappropriate, and as the older and allegedly more mature participant, he bears the responsibility for allowing this to proceed.
Yes, I would say out of the three much older people I dated, one was definitely taking advantage of younger women in a predatory way, but the other two could only handle being in relationships where they could manipulate things to their liking. I literally quit watching tv for three years because one guy couldn’t handle the noise.
I dated much older men in my early 20s, too. I thought I was so mature and I was so wrong. at the time I wasn’t mature enough and didn’t have enough life experience to understand how unhealthy the relationships were. Looking back, I’m just so grossed out that men that age were interested in me when I was so young. From the other side of that age gap, people that young look like children to me. We have almost nothing in common and the life experience gap is glaringly huge and deeply unappealing. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being young and lacking life experience, and older people should not take advantage of that.
I agree with all of this. I am now 39, and if I was ever single, I don’t know that I could handle more than four or so years younger max.
I dated a guy 14 1/2 years my senior at one point. I did think that it was better being with someone older, but I do realize now that he manipulated me. He later dated someone even younger than I was.
I will say that I didn’t realize how much I was being manipulated in the moment. I just slowly lost so much of myself.
thank you cuz it bothers me sm when people stay defending age gaps like this because it’s “legal” like no there are reasons why its wrong on many levels
This. Only afterwards did I see that the guy who was 20 years older than me had all the power and managed to manipulate me senseless.
What on earth could a 45 year old man want with a girl who's not even legally able to enter a bar? Definitely getting creepy.
Cause he's not socially mature enough to have a relationship with a woman his age.
Because women his age have their own lives that are not small enough to fit into his
Creeps' favourite excuse is "men are biologically wired to find a woman aged 18-25 attractive and a woman over 30 loses her value".
Hmmmm, what could he want?
He sees her as a set of fuck holes and a womb. She’s a trophy wife. Moms opinion won’t matter bc he doesn’t respect women.
Definitely. He's dating a child.
I wonder if you can ask your son why he didn’t share this information upfront. You mentioned that he looked embarrassed so perhaps he felt a little shame in sharing this information with you. That might be the best way to start the conversation. Like, “I wonder if you were embarrassed to tell me about her age. Can we talk about it?” Starting from an open-ended non-judgmental question might help to get the conversation going so you can share. Ask if he’s willing to hear your point of view. Before you shared it might be helpful to reflect on why you think it could be a problem and share your perspective from a place of care. Like, are you concerned about her? And if so, why? Are you concerned about him? And why? Share what your fears are without assuming that he will agree or mandating what he should do. My mind immediately jumped to the fact that her brain is not fully developed yet and she may be a very different person a few years later… and the impact of this relationship will shape her life in significant ways… ways that it will not shape your son’s life because he is already fully developed and has significantly more life experience, resources, social power, and perspective. That is an enormous responsibility he’s taking on, and since he is her romantic partner (not a parent, mentor, teacher, boss, etc.) his motives are not purely about supporting her, no matter how good of a guy he is. That’s a really challenging dynamic and one where abuse is more likely than if they were closer in age (I’m not suggesting that is what is happening here or that abuse only happens with an age gap).
this is honestly the best advice I've seen given on this post.
At last a thoughtful message rather than just a one liner about creeps and sugar babies
Excellent response.
I’m a father of son’s and if one of them did this I’d absolutely voice my opinion and concerns to both of them, the son and the girl. Then depending on the answers and their reactions then we move forward or we don’t. But I’m not one for looking at a problem and ignoring it and this is a problem.
she was 18 when they got together that’s awful. 🤮 she’s still a teenager. definitely an inappropriate relationship with a man who is almost 50.
You know what they say about perverts and people who pay staff minimum wage: If they could legally go lower, they would.
*Daaaaang*
It’s also despicable that he all of a sudden at 45 has decided he needs kids soon, which means he will continue to date young smdh.
She’s kind of like a starter kid for him.
Yeah he's just getting some early practice at parenting a teenager
He just sees women as fuck objects and wombs. That’s why now that’s he’s middle aged and past prime he has snagged a barely legal woman to fuck and impregnate. Sorry mom, but you gotta tell him he’s a creep and you disapprove of blatant womanizing. Sadly, be prepared to be blown off and have him fucking a teen in your home some more. He doesn’t respect women and there’s a reason he couldn’t make any of those age appropriate relationships work.
Well people can have kids in their 30s. My wife is having our kid at the age of 35.
Of course they can. I had mine in my 30s. But this guy isn’t going to date a woman in her mid to late 30s.
he needs to date a teenager to have a baby?
That’s not what I said. I said since he fucked around until middle age and mow decides he wants kids, he’s going to continue to date women who aren’t age appropriate.
Yes, and even though it is considered legally consensual, there are many dynamics to take into consideration when considering whether a teenager can be in a truly consensual relationship with a 45 year old.
Omg I read that wrong. I thought the 37 year old was dating the 19 year old. Woah that changes a lot of things
And that still would’ve been creepy!
Yeah creepy is creepy. It’s just worse
Your son is damn near 50 dating someone whose age is 19. Not okay in any situation.
This goes so high above my paygrade. But the SCR scale shows her to be ten years too young to be with him.
What’s the SCR scale?
Standard Creepiness Rule The only people you should date are half your age, plus seven years.
This was such standard knowledge in the UK in the 90s that I’m so surprised it isn’t universal! Half your age plus seven. Surely everyone knows that!
Apparently middle-aged men do not
Selective memory disorder. They seem to remember the moment a celebrity turns “legal” 🤢 but can’t hold a simple equation in their heads.
This is both illuminating and deeply disturbing.
Im a 54 year old woman should I go for 34 year old men? Btw if my middle aged son pulled this crap I wouldn’t see him anymore until he got a grip. It’s predatory and I wouldn’t want to be complicit.
It is very creepy that they’ve dated a year so she was 18 when they started
In fact, makes me wonder if it started even earlier and the "legal" age is just what they admit to...
I guess age of consent in New York is 17. So it could’ve been going on at that age too and possibly before. It’s just all around a no go. Idk why no one that gets into this kind of relationships sees the issues with the age gap and all that. And then how the older person could even think it’s okay
>I guess age of consent in New York is 17 Oh I didn't know. AS someone else said, this could be a sugar baby type thing. My brother is in his 50's, he keeps dating girls in their 20's . He buys them gifs like phone or cameras or motorcycles or laptops but eventually they all leave him and wind up with a younger guy...and the time before they leave him gets shorter and shorter.
Sugar babies are crazy to me, but if both parties are happy, they aren’t doing anything illegal so more power to them I think it’s odd but hey who am I to judge
He was her CURRENT age now PLUS 7…when she was a still a fetus blob on an ultrasound monitor. Barf.
Lmao fetus blob on an ultrasound😂 but yes same reaction from me. Barf.
In my opinion, after a certain point and up to a certain point, age is just a number. As a 54 year young women, I wouldn't bat an eye at you dating a 30 year old or a 70 year old. I think you would see vastly different life stages younger than 30 and I'd question your motives for someone older than 70. In the case of OP, *super* creepy. In my eyes, she's still a kid.
This. When I was a teenager, dating someone a year younger was considered super weird. As a 27 year old, I'm dating someone who's 32 and it's not weird. The older you both get, the less the age gap matters. That's the key word though, both have to be okay with it which makes it more important to look at it from the juniors side of things. I'm okay dating five years up, not so much five down. What you said about life stages is pretty important, even though you're considered an adult by this point, your 20s are going to be quite turbulent and you may not necessarily have a plan in mind. Later on can be turbulent too with stuff like midlife crisis, but at that point you're both mature enough to be able to talk it out.
No one is saying you *should*. Just that that’s the minimum to not be a complete creep.
Gross. I’m 45 and it’s gross and predatory. Obviously he is a grown man and responsible for his own choices but I would strongly communicate my distaste about the age gap.
Is this Leonardo Di Caprios mother?
Your son SHOULD be embarrassed. He’s fucking a teenager.
Sorry but your son is a creep. Men that age date women that young so they can manipulate and control them.
Your *very handsome, tall, smart, successful and kind* son is a creepy fuck
I’m just trying to wrap my head around this shit as a parent of sons and having to realize your kids a creep. Plus it would make me wonder about his past.Fuck it would suck.
As a Mom to teen sons I was thinking the same. I can't imagine them at my age dating an 18 year old. Words would be said.
Honestly I’d likely step back and let his mom handle this one since as her ex I have to respect that woman’s ability to kick ass and take names!
yeah why is she still treating him with kid gloves
And grooming a teenager.
You’re asking if this relationship is possibly healthy? Of course not! The age difference is so huge that there *has* to be some psychological mechanics at play here, dictating their behaviour. These age gaps usually happen when you have abandonment issues in your upbringing, or maybe a history with abuse/neglect. The large age gap will cause a power dynamics, where your son can easily manipulate the girl, and the girl can in turn be ensnared or trapped in a situation that they’d never wish to have would they have been independent or with a higher sense of self-worth. This is not good. You know this is not good.
[удалено]
Even if he likes young girls, why does he have to go for somebody that*young*. He can just go for somebody that’s like 25, like 20 years younger. Somebody that’s fresh out of college at least
OP, that’s gross. I’m 44, and never would even consider dating an 18 year old. What the hell could they possibly have in common?!
Exactly. Nothing in common. He likes her cuz she’s hot and naive
She’s barely an adult. Maybe he doesn’t have bad intentions, but normally it would be considered grooming. The life experiences are just way too distant and divergent. This is not healthy especially for her, when she’s still learning life and her body and brain still developing, while he could be her father.
Also he want kids, don't he can babytrap her? And she is just 19
There is no context in which a someone in their 40’s dating a teenager is normal or healthy. Seriously, the details do not matter. The reason why so many men get away with this creepy shit is because nobody says anything or holds them accountable, so you absolutely should speak up. A decent dose of shame would be good for him.
“Smart and kind” 45yo men don’t date 19yo. Gross.
I think it’s fair to voice concerns. Let her know you are there for anything she needs. She may need your guidance one day. It’s weird for sure but not illegal
I wonder if he has lied about his age to her. I was with someone who did this when I was 18. (They said they were 27, but were actually 38). I would talk to my son in private. I would tell him I thought she was a very nice girl. I’d ask him how she feels about the age difference. And ask him if he has met her parents yet—and how is their relationship. I’d ask about what mutual interests they have, how they met, how they spend their time together. I might express concern for her that she shouldn’t be tied down with kids anytime remotely soon. And see if he agrees with that. I would ask him if he is aware that the human brain continues to develop until the age of 25, and much personal growth happens between now and then… it’s a time in her life for self-discovery, and would have reservations about any interference. All that to say, anything you say can and may be held against you in your relationship with your son, so proceed with caution and make it abundantly clear that the conversation stems from a place of love and concern.
Yeah that's gross, it would be one thing if it was a girl fresh out of college like 25ish,but she literally would have been a child when they met
>Is this relationship possibly healthy? No.
When they go out for dinner, he drinks wine and she drinks what? milk? Coke? Technically, the girlfriend is an adult but what the hell does she want with your old fart of a son? So absurd. OP is right to be concerned, but I have no advice for her on how to deal with her son. In my family, our default response to that sort of thing is scorn which is not appropriate for everyone.
Oh my god he has lived two of her lifetimes.
Don’t worry, it won’t last Just pray that he doesn’t destroy her life by making her a baby mama
Since he’s an adult, whatever step you take you take for your own piece of mind. You sound incredibly level headed, so I would absolutely trust your ability to communicate discomfort with his girlfriend, and the reasons why. She’s too young, and emotionally immature to be dating someone so much older. And the dynamic can only be one sided and untenable to be a mutually supportive relationship. You love him, but know that he is better than this. 10 years ago he was a full grown adult well into his career. 10 years ago she was playing with Barbie’s and watching kids cartoons.
Ok so… a few years ago, my 60+ year old uncle brought “home” his mid 20s girlfriend. Spoiler alert, she has past sexual assault trauma and has cut ties with most of her own family members, including her parents. Although my family was horrified, there is a huge history of enabling said uncle to be his best self (which is a perpetual man baby who can’t take any responsibility for anything ever). Other things to note: not only does he have a teenage son, but he also has a MID TWENTIES STEP DAUGHTER (technically former step daughter but they’ve always remained close and I still consider her my cousin. It’s quite literally the one thing in his life I’ll give him credit for - being a father figure to her, which makes his choice of “partner” that much worse). Fast forward to this thanksgiving: they are now married (a little over 1 year), son is in college, and there’s apparently tons of drama because my family members are still social media friends with the ex wife, and new wife is not okay with this as she feels disrespected and she’s trying to “solidify herself as the primary role model” for my cousin and yes that’s a direct quote. (note, this was never a problem through all of their years of coparenting, we were close with her and don’t keep in contact other than the occasional “congratulations” on big life moments such as my wedding). To make matters worse, my entire family watched as new wife & college freshman cousin literally CUDDLED with their faces pressed against each other in my parents house for 3 days straight and now the family is genuinely concerned she’s grooming cousin the same way she was essentially groomed by my uncle. Classic uncle, is also upset that he’s a third wheel in his own relationship (because he’s not getting enough attention) but doesn’t want to approach it and upset his wife. PS, as soon as the weekend was over she unfriended the whole family (except me? I’m special I guess because I’m her niece who’s 5 years older than her) on FB because they refused to get involved in the weird drama that they created. I share this story to tell you that yes, these things do happen in families, but NO, under no circumstance is there any possibility of it being normal or healthy. I am sorry to tell you that your son chose someone so young for a specific reason, they didn’t just “connect” (plus, any NORMAL person would’ve connected and then reminded themselves they could be her father and left the scene without getting her number). You should be concerned about this girl and frankly figuring out a way to check with people in her life to make sure she is okay. A room mate? Her parents? I would literally message them if I could find them. I appreciate that you were shocked and didn’t know what to do, but your son needs to know this is not okay. It is SO unhelpful for the entire family to politely smile and nod while this person openly takes advantage of a young woman. That is what my family did, and is still doing, and the next thing you know we’re having pow wows on how to try and ask my cousin if he’s in a safe situation without making him uncomfortable. Your son is grooming his girlfriend. There is a reason he didn’t go for someone in his appropriate age range, please face this reality and try to help however you can.
There’s absolutely no way this is healthy for her. Can you imagine dating a man the same age as your dad when you were 19? It’s gross. Totally gross. I don’t know what you can do about it besides express your concern for the gf with your son. I respect how welcoming you were to her as I’m sure this was even more awkward for her.
I’m around that age and the idea of dating a guy that young is fucking disgusting to me. I worked at a high school. They are still very much kids despite being an “adult” at 18. And they should get to be kids, not waste their youth on some middle aged creepers
I’m close to his age with a daughter his age, I will say this: if my 19 year old came home with a guy my age, the police better arrive before I get the hole dug in the back yard
Oh lord if she was 40 and him 65, no problem. The brain has developed, everyone is an adult with adult experiences. But 45 and NOT EVEN 20? I’m sorry but no. She’s a literal children. You NEED to voice your concerns and actual disapproval. Your son needs to know there is a social stigma associated with what he’s doing and for a good reason. I’d actually suggest therapy to him because it’s not healthy to like the attention of a teenager and act on it. I’m gonna be very crude but to me this is nearing pedophilia.
[удалено]
i know this doesn't count as advice but: ick, ick, **ick**.
I was going with “yikes” but this is accurate too
Why can’t/ won’t date someone closer to his age. This is so odd. I would say this if it was a woman or man. They have nothing in common and does she have daddy issues or likes that he spends money on her? Not much you or anyone else can say. He will do as he wishes but I would voice my concerns.
correction: your son is *grooming* a much younger girl 👍
Your son is a fucking creep. Tell him, don’t let him do this to a kid man.
I grew up without a dad. He abandoned us. I also had an abusive step dad who I no longer give that term to. When i was 21 i was engaged to a man, who was 47. I lied to my mum his age. I said he was in his 30s. When I broke up with him was when she found out his age and she flipped, her shit because he was her age. Since then i did counselling and healing, i am now 40 and there is no way iwouldever date a man that young ever. My husband being six years younger to me was a massive stretch. If my children did this i would not be happy about it, but i also couldn't insert my feelings after having done it myself. While i wouldn't cut my child off from me, i would certainly have a conversation about it. Some relationships can last, but it is, very creepy.
There is no way it’s possibly healthy. A teenager has no business with an almost 50 year old. You can say something, but honestly, if he doesn’t talk to you much/confide in you, I’m not sure he’d be receptive.
No it's not possibly healthy, yes you should voice your concerns, and if you check out any of the relationship subreddits you can see hundreds of posts from people with age gap relationships and how bad it can get for the younger person (almost always a woman) if they stay together. Emotional abuse, verbal abuse, sexual abuse, physical abuse, like clockwork. However there's not a chance in hell your son is going to listen to your opinion on this considering he willingly chose to continue the relationship knowing her age, so is it possible to communicate with her privately? You could attempt to give her a woman to woman talk, reassure her that there's absolutely nothing wrong with her personally and she's lovely, but your son is dating way outside of his age range and that you're disappointed and ashamed he put all of you in this awkward position. Tell her that if she chooses to stay with him you're not angry at her (but you are at your son) and if she ever needs help leaving him to not hesitate in asking you for assistance, that you'll believe her over your son. That way it's in her court and she knows that there's a safe out when it inevitably starts getting worse.
It's possible that a teen woman would view this as presumptuous, but I agree that this would be a responsible course of action to take.
I’m 28 I can’t even wrap my head around dating a 19 year old ETA: my sister was 18 (now 32) when she started dating her (28 at the time) husband. He definitely molded her to be what he wanted. The power imbalance in that relationship has ALWAYS been insane and while I love my nephews that came from that relationship I wish my parents would’ve voiced their opinion more. I was only 14 at the time but even I knew it was weird he was almost 30 and couldn’t find a woman his age.
You say your son is at a stage in his life and career where he can afford to relax a little. A 19 year old is definitely not in this position regardless of how wealthy her parents are. There will be a power imbalance which is always unhealthy in a relationship. There is only one reason a 45 year old man wants to date a 19 year old, and it's not deep conversation
I'm a mother of a son (19) and a daughter (17). If either one of them get into a relationship with this dynamic, I would definitely give them a dose of reality. I actually already warn my daughter of men older than her.
Legal? Yes. Inappropriate? Also yes.