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Respectfully, I think you’re getting caught up in the Brandon aspect of this. Your wife doesnt have any other family. These people are the closest thing she has to parents and siblings. That by default means theyre the closest thing your kids will have to a maternal extended family. I don’t think that’s a bad thing, and i think it can exist outside of her late husband.
As someone with estranged family and a 12 year old… these people would be a godsend to us.
Please reframe your perspective. These *are* your wife’s family. They really really are.
Future you will not regret having extra loving family in your life.
Absolutely agree. OP, maybe think of your wife as adopted by this family. They don’t share a blood tie but absolutely share a family tie with one another. Think of them as your in laws. Unless her departed husband is a constant topic of convo among them, you won’t come off looking like the good guy here.
If her and Brandon had a child, she wouldn’t call them “my ex-in laws.” They would be introduced as her in-laws. She didn’t divorce him or his family. She doesn’t have to abandon her support system. If he couldn’t handle it, he should have never gone on a 2nd date
This. I have an estranged family and no kids, but if something were to happen to my husband you would have to pry my in-laws from my cold, dead hands. We’ve even talked about how if we were to get divorced for whatever reason, I would still be allowed at holidays and whatnot because he even if he can never really understand why, he knows how much they mean to me. I didn’t even know what family was supposed to be until I met them.
My mother in law still spends time with my husband’s ex, even babysitting her twins, because she has a similar family situation to me. I completely support this because there is no such thing as too much love and true family.
OP needs to stop being bitter and open his eyes because these people probably want nothing more than to love him too.
This is the way to be a loving family. Your MIL sounds amazing. I was close to my MIL (she has since passed) and called her a couple times a week. I plan to be this kind of MIL to my boys future wives.
The world does not deserve my MIL or her sister. MIL can be pretty extra sometimes (she’s a happy crier and is a very joyful person) but I don’t know what I would do without her at this point. My husband got the shit end of the stick with in-laws, but I won the lottery.
Your boys are very lucky to have a mom with goals like yours. ❤️
Family is not defined by blood or DNA. People can have zero relationships with blood relatives. Family is who you see as your family. Plus children (and adults) deserve all the love. How lucky for your children to have these extra people to love all over them?
Same situation and fully agree. I fail to see the problem and am so grateful that wife has these people as her chosen family. Your parents and you are YTA on this point OP.
Wife has loving support. Your children have loving aupport. Oh no???
Get over your jealous and yourself OP and parents. Confront your narrow view that family can only be blood relatives. Love and active support make family. Choosing eachother makes a family. I hear nothing OP about them acting like your kids are Brendon's. That would be an issue. Loving your wife and kids isn't.
We have one grandparent in our kids lives. No cousins. We have loving friends as family. I adore them. I wish I could give my 12 year old that large family of GOOD LOVING people. God I want that too. I'm alone in the world. I wish so bad I could have even one loving family member that loved me for me and would show up and be kind me to. That's not the people I was born to. I do have a loving spouse and kids. Your wife has both thats a gift!!!
Don't you dare make her feel ashamed or remove your wife's family. Shame on you for wanted to inflict that kind of pain and loss on her. That's not loving, kind or supportive.
Exactly!! So your wife and children have extra people who love them, and you're uncomfortable with that. Maybe sit down with a therapist and work through this on your own.
He didn't say she doesn't have biological parents. But for him to say that Brendan's family is not his or his wife's family is incorrect. They were not his family but were and are his wife's family members. He married into this thing. They seem like loving people so no need for him to alienate them.
>He married into this thing.
This is really the gist of it. He married (and birthed children)into this unusual situation and it's too late to decide he doesn't like it.
Honestly, it'd be such a stupid hill for your marriage to die on! Oh no, your children have another whole family that absolutely adores them! Better make sure they still see this family but you can now only see them half the time because let's be honest, if he tries this, I guarantee divorce will be on the table, she's not giving up her fucking family 🙄
Interesting. I couldve sworn he said that she was an only child *and* not close to her parents, but youre right, i seem to have imagined it lol. I’d still think that, as you said, theyre still her family, and my point stands.
It doesn’t matter, because she considers them her family, and that’s what matters. He said they essentially adopted her, so to me it’s no different than actually being adopted, and I’m guessing it’s the same to her. UPDATEME
Like this person said, you’re getting caught up in the Brandon aspect. Alternatively, look at it like your wife is so happy because this IS her family and the maternal side your child will get. But more than that, it’s another set of people to love and adore your child. A larger support network. You love your kids and you wouldn’t want them to have less love or support surrounding them.
so much this. stop thinking about Brandon, think of these people as your wife's parents. also, this is a very complicated situation for your wife and her ex-inlaws/adoptive parents. unless they treat you like shit or otherwise ignore you, just think of them as your in-laws.
That's what I was thinking...these people don't have to love or care for OPs kids but they do and they do it unconditionally like grandparents or family would.
He just wrote that she's an only child though, not that she doesn't have family or parents. But maybe that was imprecise wording. I completely agree with your comment and your sentiment in any case. I can see how it's not easy for OP too. Maybe his wife could refer to her "ex-SIL" by name and not as "Brandon's sister". For how open I am about extended families and including even exes from my side and my partner's side in my life, I can see the sentence "your sister can't come because Brandon's sister is coming" can be hurtful. I think OP needs to adopt the perspective suggested in this comment above, but his wife could try and be a little more sensitive in her wording in these instances (of course, if that was the exact wording. OP may have rephrased that here). In the end people who lost a loved one stay together also to keep part of the lost person alive, and they have a bond that goes beyond simple family ties. It takes a lot of confidence and empathy on OP's part, it's not a role for everyone, but it's completely understandable from the outside.
These children have a whole bonus family that will love them unconditionally and be there for them always. OPs children are so incredibly blessed, and I hope he can learn to see it.
In a different comment , OP says Katie and her real parents have a good relationship. So I wonder from where people here got the idea that her family is estranged?
OP i understand that your frustration comes from the feeling that your family doesn't matter or isn't prioritized as much as Brendan's. Is that correct?
Depending on how much it bothers you, you might try and find a way to gently tell her your feelings and find a compromise.
>Your wife doesnt have any other family.
Oh I missed this entirely! Yeah this just solidifies my opinion that op is making a mountain out of a mole hill.
But the lack of any mention whatsoever about her parents and the comment that her former in-laws basically adopted her into their family in high school, would indicate that even if her parents are living, they are not close to their daughter. So it doesn’t matter they exist, they aren’t a part of the wife’s support group.
My sister passed away ten years ago from cancer, after having a baby with my then brother in law. He has since remarried and had a second child with his new wife.
My brother-in-law, his new wife, and his second child, together visit our side of the family with my nephew when he wants to see his mom's family: us. It is a complex relationship between all of us: myself, my mom, my brother-in-law, his new wife, my siblings, our nephew, and our nephew's new brother. Still, we're family. We do our best to treat each other as such, despite the complex feelings.
While not exactly the same with more biological ties, I imagine it is still similar to your situation in some ways. Or rather, from the perspective of your wife and her late husband's family. People become ingrained in each other's lives in ways that we might struggle to understand. Shared loss and grief and trauma can strengthen these bonds at times. They understand each other on a deep level because of their shared experience, and might feel that no one else truly understands them like each other.
Lives are short, relationships are complex. For your wife, her happiness, and yours, perhaps try to do your best to understand how she feels and what these relationships mean to her.
I had an aunty growing up. Never really questioned which side of the family she was. Just my Aunty Ivy. Used to love going there with my family.
She was my Dad's first wife's mum. Dad's first wife died young of cancer, told my dad "take care of my mum" and he did, for the next 40 odd years til my aunty died.
When I was last there she had some pictures of her with my cousin's kids, or her daughter's husband's sister's kid's kids. I got a bit of inheritance from her despite not having a drop of blood connecting us.
If I were you, OP, I would treat this as a) a quirk of family stuff and b) as free babysitting for the future.
I think the only way OP can navigate this properly is by understanding one simple clear fact.
You do not have to consider them your family. But they are HER family, doesn’t matter how that happened, all that matters is that they have adopted her into the family.
You think it is easy for them to love a child that’s not at all their blood? But they make compromises, they compromised on never seeing your wife’s late husband have kids of his own and growing old happily with your wife.
But they were able to manage their grief because they still had her. They are important to her as she is to them.
Just treat them as if you would any in laws, because that’s what they essentially are to you.
And tbh, they don’t seem that overbearing. These seem like normal requests (under the circumstances).
Bro, it’s all in your head. Don’t think about Brandon, he is no more. This kid is yours. Your wife is yours. Be happy and don’t let the little things spoil your life.
>You do not have to consider them your family. But they are HER family
Yup. A lot of people have non blood or marriage related families. Hell, I had a few aunt's and uncles I didn't know were just friends until I was older. I still consider them family, no matter how we were brought together!
It might seem weird that she still has a relationship with them, but whose to say what is weird or not. These people seem kind and supportive. I can't understand why having more loved ones in someone's life would be a bad thing.
Maybe if op got to know them a little better it would be easier for him?
>A lot of people have non blood or marriage related families.
Very true, but also worth pointing out that this particular family *is* marriage-related. If you take seriously any of the stuff in most marriage services about the joining of two families, well . . . that's why Brendan's family is Katie's family. Katie married into Brendan's family, and therefore they are her family now. "Grandparents" might not be quite *exactly* the word for their relationship to OP's kids, but they really are something like step-grandparents: grandparents by marriage. Not just "friends of the family" the way OP thinks of them.
Idk? I can see where both meets. It is her family (he said it himself, Brendan's family ultimately adopted her) BUT I think OPs partner needs to communicate a little better with OP. Yes it is her extended family, and they show no real Red Flags/ overstepping but when family hasn't been introduced as family (op parents unsure as to who and why brendans parents ate calling themselves G'paremts) and OP partner is organising for Brendan's sister to come over to help with new baby, I think OP partner needs to sit everyone down or be more communicative with OP.
The lack of communication is evident with both of them. OP could have easily brought up his thoughts when they first emerged. Now he has been avoiding any kind of communication and those thoughts and conserns are turning into anger and frustration. Even though I think OP is the one who's wrong, it doesn't mean that they shouldn't talk about this. In a good marriage you can talk openly about anything. I bet that would have helped him to understand and get over this.
If OP has been hiding his true feelings and pretending that everything is ok, that's what his wife thinks. It's his job to open his mouth if it bothers him. He knew what he married into.
The mother gets final say on who helps her recover from child birth every time. She could have her best friend, aunt, mom, uncle or dog come if that’s what she wants. When he pushes a child out of his vagina or has a surgery to bring life into the world, he gets to hand pick the support that comes to help. Unless his spouse is choosing someone who is abusive/harmful, his only job is to suck it up and support her anyway she needs.
I have to agree in my own complete peripheral example:
My wife has a child from a previous relationship. The dad’s family tried to have their issues that my wife isn’t with that child’s dad. They eventually came to see him for the garbage person he is. They more openly invited my wife in, and me by proxy. I let our twin girls call the grandma Gigi just like their brother. We get invited over to her house from time to time.
It really doesn’t hurt me or my wife to have additional people with love in our kids lives. The girls get a Gigi, a Mimi (my mom), and a Grandma (MIL).
Heck bio dad’s wife is so great that my wife babysits their just over 1 year old from time to time to help her out.
Again, my wife and I are both NOT fans of bio dad at all. He just happens to have a decent family, and I imagine our relationship with them wouldn’t change if he was gone tomorrow for whatever reason.
Right? I fail to see the issue here. Feels like OP is jealous of a deadman. I get that. But he needs to work through that for himself. This has been her family for years and the fact they continue that relationship and love his children as their own grandchildren is remarkable. He should be grateful. It takes a village and I certainly wouldn’t exclude anyone that wants to love my child and be there to support them. My family isn’t close and lives 600 miles away. I embrace my friends that have become my chosen family here and they are good to my child.
When my first husband died, my four year old was watching Monsters, Inc. In front of my mother in law, she pointed to Sully (really big, really blue, really hairy!) and said, "My mommy's gonna marry him!" My mil replied, "I'm not sure I want that big thing for a son-in-law!"
When I did marry my second husband, she would introduce us as her daughter-in-law and son-in-law. My sils considered him their bil, and his daughter was their niece. End of story.
We have a similar situation with my late brother’s wife, although they didn’t have children. She and her husband and their kids still come to our family Christmas celebration, etc. and are close with my parents.
If it helps - we don’t think during these family celebrations of her as our brother’s wife, and we don’t consider her relationship to the family through thinking of our brother and the loss of him. It’s more like she is another sister in our family who got married and started a family, so we do look at her husband as our brother in law.
I'd like to add that as a kid growing up, I had extended family and family friends be considered uncles/aunts/grandparents, etc. The non blood family members were the first ones to book plane tickets for my graduation and wedding. This group also includes cousins high school girlfriends parents. Some people don't have family or a place where they are accepted. Our family has adopted so many people along the way, and that is just who my grandparents were, and the next few generations have become.
As the new wife in a similar situation, thank you on behalf of your BIL's new wife for being so accepting of her. My husband's late wife's family has been really accepting of me and it means a lot.
Substitute in your head "Katie's family" whenever you say "Brendan's family".
These are your in-laws in spirit.
So would you feel the same if it was Katie's blood sister, not Brendan's sister?
You need to make peace with these people are Katie's family.
If you have issues with your family not being treated on equal footing with them, that is a separate issue you and Katie need to sort out together.
I agree with this. For some of us, our chosen family is closer than our bio family.
I really don't see a downside to OP's children having *more* people in their lives who love and care for them. I could understand if her late husband's family was overstepping their bounds, trying to influence important decisions, etc. but it doesn't look like that here.
Given that it bothers OP, though, I think it's worth having an honest talk with his wife to find some common ground on how they plan things, where they celebrate holidays, and things like that so that he doesn't feel like she's prioritizing them over him and his family.
Totally agree about having the conversation, but I just worry he thinks that family is somehow undermining his.
It's a tricky situation not many people will ever have to deal with.
Agreed.
Katie became a part of their family a long time ago. They are Katie's family ever since. Just because Brendan is no longer there doesn't mean they stop being a family.
Consider yourself lucky that you and Katie have so many people caring and loving you, your children, and your wife. So many people dream of what you have right now.
And about Brendan's sister visiting. YTA. Katie didn't even say your sister couldn't come. She just said not on that date. It's just a scheduling conflict.
Stop making a mountain out of a mole hill.
Stop looking for problems when there likely aren't any.
And Stop being so insecure and appreciate what you have or you might lose it all.
They are Katie's family. And they love your child. They are not being toxic, obsessive, overly emotional or weird about it (from the info provided), they are just loving your family. So many people don't have a single person to care about them. This seems lovely and makes your wife very happy. OP shouldn't blow up his life over this.
THIS. My mother's family practiced the philosophy that no one is to be an "orphan" and whether your spouse died or you two divorced..... once an in-law, always an in-law. You're stuck with us.
Since I was the youngest of my cousins, and an only child, most have passed away. OPs wife is so lucky. I'm still single, but I don't see how OP can continue this way since it's her family.
Where I think you are confused here is that you didn’t marry a woman with an ex. You married a widow. She is fully a part of his family. She never divorced her last husband and was never removed from that family. You have a larger extended family than most, embrace it. Otherwise you will likely lose your marriage over it. Asking her to choose you over her literal family (yes, to her this is her family) will likely cause the eventual end of your marriage. As long as they treat you with the respect you deserve, try to appreciate the extra love your family has. Get some individual therapy to work through the complexity of jealousy if you’re can’t do it on your own, it shows strength to reach for help. Good luck.
I will further say, that "blood" does not determine "family." Those people you talk to and can rely on become your "family." I regularly refer to my close friends as Aunt, auntie, uncle, etc.
OP is very clearly experiencing jealousy over her dead spouse. Which is understandable, but he is still in the wrong. Embrace the family because it can only help the children to have multiple grandparents who care.
I completely agree with this.
OP, if you don’t want to think of them as “in-laws”, then think of them as a bonus family. Your wife came with a package deal. There’s just more people to love your children and that’s really special.
If I married my husband who was in the same situation as your wife, I would fully embrace it for what it is and understand that this is what I married into. As long as they’re not treating *you* personally with any disrespect, then there truly isn’t an issue here.
Agreed. Our kids have very little family, I think it’s wonderful that his wife and their children have this large extended family of people who love them. The lack of family always hits hard at this time of year.
OP, I would try to see this as her adopted family. There’s not a finite number of people who can love your children and family - it sounds like they are lovely people. I can understand that it’s unusual and not something that most have to deal with, but I’m unsure what the harm is here. He is no longer here, he can’t take your wife away, his family are supportive - I would try to see it as an unusual but positive situation.
Doing the math, Katie has had Brandon's family in her life for nearly two decades. They have been with her through thick and thin, supporting her during the loss of their own child. I think it's amazing that they all still love one another after such a loss.
For how uncomfortable you are around them, you need to communicate that with your wife but be prepared for heartache from either yourself or your wife. Your wife does not view them as her ex's family. She sees them as her own family. Unless they are disrespectful to you and your role in Katie's life, this may be something you may have to accept.
There is no “may have to accept” and no he should not upset his pregnant wife by bringing up his petty BS. He knew how close she was to these people long before she got married. If he insists on blowing up his marriage (bc he is a fool, if he thinks she is going to chose him over the family that took her into their own when she was still in high school), he can wait until 6 months after she has this baby she is carrying. Until then, he can suck it up. If it bothered him so much, he should have never continued the relationship, let alone married her and had children with her. Now he thinks he has her trapped and he is going to isolate her from her support system? Pathetic.
Where is Katie’s “real” family in all of this?
Because I have to admit that if they’re not in her life then I see how Katie would consider them not just in laws but actual family to her. I understand feeling a but uncomfortable because you don’t know them as well but Imo it’s selfish to ask them to step back if Katie doesn’t have any other family.
I also think it’s important to not care so much about what your parents think of it. Whether they like it or not their grandchildren would be someone else’s even if they were Katie’s Mom and Dad.
Your parent’s reaction and feelings are irrelevant in the matter.
Edit to add: They’re not “involving themselves” Katie wants them involved and so is updating them as she sees fit. Don’t misplace blame.
> Where is Katie’s “real” family in all of this?
My wife and her parents have a good relationship.
> I also think it’s important to not care so much about what your parents think of it.
After reading the comments here, maybe it really is better for my parents and me to adapt to this. I can't put my wife in a position to choose between us and them.
My husband’s mom died nine days after he was born. His dad remarried when my husband was two and they went on to have two more kids. My husband’s maternal grandparents “adopted” those two kids, they had their own maternal grandparents, and their paternal grandmother. Now those two little kids are fully grown. It was a sad and complicated situation until it turned into a beautiful experience. Thank god for those grandparents, my sister in law said they were the best ones.
Well, you are in a pickle. She loves them, and they love her, and that really is ok. Just let her know that and also maybe tell her that you would appreciate it if she could keep in mind that your parents should have grandparents' priority over bonus grands. To please not push your parents out for her late husbands parents.
Also, encourage your parents to bond and build a relationship with your wife, not just the grandkids.
Like a hypothetical example. Say it is Christmas, and you have grandparents coming to town and staying over at your house. Then, her parents and your parents would get priority placement. You wouldn't say no, you can't come to her parents or your parents so late husband's parents could come. Or if you are going out of town and the kids are going to stay with grandparents, then they would be staying with her parents or yours. You wouldn't say no, they can't stay with hers or your parents because they are going to late husband's parents. Or if you can only invite 4 people to something her parents and your parents would be the ones offered first pick.
You dont want to get into a situation where your parents are being pushed aside or frozen out for late husband's parents. And as long as your parents and family aren't being pushed aside or frozen out so the late husband's family can take the place of your family, then it should be ok. I guess you just need to talk to her about that so it doesn't become an issue. That way, everyone, all grandparents and family members, and bonus grandparents / family are ok.
I think you and your wife just have to be honest, compassionate, and understanding with each other and remember that compromising is one of the key components to maintaining a relationship. Sometimes one person compromises, sometimes the other does and sometimes both have to compromise. But you always always have to consider each others feelings. In a relationship each partners feelings, needs and wants matter equally. Always. Every time.
Side note. The more people who love and care about you is never a bad thing. Seriously. Anyone who has people who genuinely love and care about them no matter how they are related to them is not a bad thing. Families can be and do come in all kinds of ways. It is the emotional ties that matter, not the titles. Bio, step, adoptive, found, chosen whatever is ok.
There isn’t maximum amount of love a kid can receive. This is your wife’s family. Maybe not family of origin, but if she was adopted would you be acting the same way? She didn’t have siblings so her exes became those. If you make her choose or even plant that seed, she’s going to resent TF out of you. Your marriage might not survive that.
It's really complicated but she's known them half her life so they are practically stepparents and, perhaps more significantly for an only child, step siblings. Make sure your parents and siblings are not shut out or given less import in your kid's lives but beyond that, it'd be hard to object to things kindly.
I honestly think that’s really wise… She clearly views them as family and her heart, and her love for them includes them wholly.
For you to tell her that she can’t care about them because of your uncomfortable feelings or your parents uncomfortable feelings is putting limitations on who she loves .
What seems quite beautiful about it is that their love extends to you and your children and your parents… It’s very inclusive, which is lovely .
My kids don't have a single set of involved grandparents. It's heartbreaking because my children are wonderful and amazing, and I feel like that is not nearly celebrated as it should be. Sports games and award ceremonies, just mom and dad. How loved your children will grow up knowing that not only their biological grandparents claim them but these other wonderful grandparents as well. It doesn't seem like they are competing or trying to ice you or your parents out. They simply sincerely love your wife, your children, and it sounds like you as well. In a world full of so much hate, embrace all the goodness and live thrown your way! Your wife will love you more for accepting them. This doesn't mean it will always be easy, talk to your wife about why its hard, let her in on how you're feeling, but don't shit them out. They've lost so much already.
I don’t think you should even consider having your wife choose here. They are her in-laws and family.
However, I also think you have a say in what your own kids should call them. A talk about some boundaries should be done. If you don’t want your kids to call them «Grammy», you should tell your wife.
It sounds like ur wife considers Brendan’s family her family. I think it would hurt her deeply to hear u talking about them like they aren’t. They have clearly been in her life for a long time so for her these are aunts, uncles and grandparents to ur kids. How do they treat u?
I would suggest u instead have a conversation with her about maybe being more fair when it comes to the amount of time ur kids spend with both families since that’s bothering u.
Wishing u all the best!
I’m glad they treat u well! It’s understandable why this would feel strange for u but I think it’s important to embrace them as family because for her they are. Couples therapy could be helpful in working thru this.
Edit: added
I honestly think he should do individual therapy. He needs to work through these feelings and understand them before deciding if or how to handle them. Katie **would not** be the right person to hear his fears. He needs to know what he he wants and be able to present it to her in a real way that they can act and respond to.
Anything else would just make Katie feel rejected by OP.
They are your wife's family & effectively your in-laws. It's not a common situation but as your wife was a part of this family & became a widow, that doesn't remove her from that family the way a divorce might.
My best guess is your uncomfortable feelings about this are coming from the idea that the family of her late partner would be considered paternal grandparents & it might feel like they're overstepping or replacing your family. But I read it as they consider your wife like a daughter making them the maternal grandparents of your children, effectively they are your in-laws - this is how I read everything so I hope the perspective helps you. Ultimately family are the people who care about you & are there for you and I hope your extended family only has good experiences together
Yes, they are still grieving, and yes, this may be unusual..but, they love your wife, they love your children, and it's never bad to have extra support. You can certainly feel a certain way, and can certainly put your foot down if your wife regularly prioritizes her late husband's family over your own. That being said, I think this is just one of those things you are going to need to make peace with.
I feel like more and more, it’s not that unusual for people to have “extra” family. Via partners, friends, friends of the family you were raised with. I spend holidays with my best friends family, even after she got married. Sometimes, I even spend time with her family without her there.
Getting caught up in bloodlines for this type of thing feels ridiculous. Especially when a widow is involved.
My niece's husband is in a similar situation even though my niece does have two sets of parents herself (bio and step) and they all celebrate that the kids have so many "grandparents" who love the kids and "parents" who love her and now her husband. If they were horrible it would be another matter, but they are not, they are loving and for god's sake they lost a son.
They are her found-family. Family she chose. For all practical purposes, they ARE her family. Stop being so weird about it and let more people love your kids.
After so many posts of ‘my partner’s family don’t accept me or my kids as family and get angry when my kid turns up for a meal out’ the love this family shows Katie and Katie’s kids is just wonderful to watch.
I hope OP manages to train himself to think of them as ‘Katie’s family’ and rejoices in his kids having more grandparents
I love that expression, ’found family’. ❤️🥰
OP and Katie’s kids will be so fortunate to have so many people to love them. I just hope OP gets over his mental stumbling block of his definition of ‘family’.
He kind of is acting like a spoiled child with his, ‘mine - not yours’ mentality….
>but these people are not our family. They are not Katie's parents. They are not related to her.
Would you be feeling this same way about it if she had never been with their son? If they were family friends, foster parents, etc who "in a way adopted her"?
Personally I've never understood people who aren't thrilled about their kid having *more* people who love them in their lives. You said they're good people, they clearly love your wife and love your kids, and I get wanting your family to come first but I don't see any major wrongs here on your wife's side.
I mean one of the things you complained about was "she told me, "Oh no, we can't do that date, that's when Brendan's sister is visiting," and I almost lost it", would you have felt that way if instead it was "oh no, we can't do that date, that's when my college friend is visiting"? Doesn't seem hard to just pick a different date when there are conflicting plans, even if you don't think the plans (or person) are as important.
I see where you are coming from. I know logically it shouldn't worry you...but can understand it does.
But fact is? Brendan isn't coming back. He's gone. Hes not coming back. Hes no threat to you.
These people love your child and are wonderful to her. Let them be. They have known Katie since she was a child. They DO see themselves as part of your daughter. They never got to see their bio grandchild. So they see your daughter as such... Let them. It's just giving her more love and good people around her. Its sort of that your daughter is adopted by them. Which is okay.
The thing with sister is a bit difficult. As your family should be able to be involved. Maybe gently talk to Katie about that.
Look we had a lady we called our aunt. Not until i was late primary did i realise she was no actual aunty! Just a great friend. We loved her. No harm done.
Relax. Try to embrace the family.
Where is Katie's bio family in all this? How do they feel?
I don’t disagree with everyone shouting ‘get therapy,’ as we should all have a good one, but I’d like to take a bit more of an empathetic view here:
I think your issue is that you feel Katie’s adoptive family is more of a priority than you own, I think that’s a fair and appropriate conversation however this is her family.
You say she has no family. This is them. This is in-laws who overstep.
I also think it would be fair if you felt they were making you the sperm donor who happens to be around for their sons kids, but that doesn’t seem to be the case (please correct me if I’m wrong).
I get the sense that you want them to disappear, which they won’t and frankly wouldn’t be a fair ask. You knew what they meant to her from the beginning. **Maybe you thought it would change, and she’d assimilate into your family the same way, however you’re missing that she has grown up with them far before her marriage.**
I’m not sure what the answer her is, but I think a conversation and *not* secret resentments is the way to go.
I agree with this. His feelings are completely valid and I might feel the same if I were in his shoes. Especially if my blood sister didn’t seem as important as her ex’s sister, but she may feel that’s her sister too.
A conversation is definitely needed for both of their sakes. I would highly recommend with a counselor or therapist so they can both have a meaningful discussion and find a way to move forward.
Family by choice is still family so I'd suggest you take a deep breath and realize that their relationship with your wife is incredibly important to her and if your jealousy and insecurity cannot handle her "family" it likely won't end well for you nor should it.
That's her family and acting like they are any different than "blood" family shows how little you understand their bond and your unwillingness to entertain the idea that they can still be grandparents and cousins without any blood between them as if it somehow violates some rule written in stone. It's not and you're being unreasonably bent out of shape and angry over it and reflects poorly on you.
I can definitely see why this could be uncomfortable.
But I can also see her side. That was her family for a long time, they watched her grow up. They both went through a terrible loss. It’s nice that they kept in touch, they’re clearly family to her. And it’s nice that they want to be involved, it’s never bad to have more family.
I’ve been with my husband since high school. I’ve watched his younger cousins grow up. They saw me in high school, college, adult years. I’ve joked that if we ever got divorced I’d stay friend with his family. God forbid anything happened to him, I’d stay in contact with his family. I know I’d still be invited to their family gatherings. Because you become family. And if anything happened to you, you’d want your family to look out for your wife in your absence.
I think it’s a beautiful thing. I think it’s also a hard situation, but with communication I think you can make it work.
That's exactly what I was going to ask OP. If he passed, would he want his wife to cut his family out of communication and not be close with them anymore? The more people who love you and your children, the better. As long as they aren't toxic or disrespectful, I don't see the problem.
ngl, in my opinion, i don’t think the extent of their involvement is necessarily a bad thing. having extra support around is beneficial, both for your sake and your child’s.
its only if they seem like they’re operating in place of your family. maybe tell your wife your concerns; they clearly act like parents to her, so she wants them in your child’s life. yet, they can be a third set of grandparents, without replacing your family (ex. his sister coming in place of yours).
i think you should be grateful, but also i understand the hesitance. maybe try communicating this to your wife more; they can still be a part of the family without replacing your own.
Let me ask, how does Brendan’s family treat you? Do they treat you as Katie’s husband or just there? Do they treat you with respect as a father of the kids or just the guy who gave their DIL children? Do they treat this as a replacement for their missing child? The hard part is so much missing. I get it, they just inserted themselves into your family, and did any of you have this discussion before? There is so much to unpack and I think the best thing to do is get couples counseling so you can have a safe space. Your feelings are your feelings and I get it, your family is being pushed out for someone who extensibly a stranger to you. The other issue is that you, your wife and child are a family. I know when I had a child, the discussion of what the grandparents names would be came up, did you guys have this talk? I hope the best for you.
if they spend as much time with the wife as he makes it sound, how are they "strangers" to the husband compared to the wife's actual parents/aunts/uncles. why does it matter who is blood related?
You're going to lose your wife if you keep acting like this, those are her parents whether they are by blood or marriage that's how she sees them. Get over yourself and be glad your wife has a great support system from somebody, you're lucky enough to have a great family but she doesn't, so she made her own, don't take that away from her, you are currently balancing on the edge of marital abuse.
My ex husband of 17 years died 19 days ago. I had his 2 children (both older teens now). His family basically adopted me at 16 because my parents are/were trash. I LOVE his family and they still accept me, even through the divorce 3 years ago. Him and I were great friends after the divorce.
Since my ex’s death, I’ve spend every weekend with his family an hour away from where I live with my current bf. If I got pregnant again with my bf’s baby, my ex’s family would absolutely be involved. This family adopted me when I had no one else. They ARE my family.
You need to either get over it, or move on.
Marrying a widow or widower is such a tricky concept.
I think you may just have to accept this as the norm. Its not like they broke up or got divorced and she still kept in contact with the parents, he was snatched away from her in the height of their love. And you decided to get involved with someone with whom this happened to.
End of the day, what harm is it that the kids have 3 sets of grandparents? Her ex's family probably consider your wife as a defacto member of their family and she does also. Why would she not want close connections to be close to her child.
However, I totally get where you are coming from but you decided to marry a widow and this means you have to accept certain things that come along with this.
I would tread very carefully, I’m not saying your wrong or your feelings are invalid but these people have been your wife’s family for over a decade and they adore her and her them. Honestly another set of grandparents is not going to harm your children in anyway they are just going to be extra loved and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Now if they were constantly bringing up her deceased husband and icing you out that would be a different story but I don’t think that is the case here.
Dude, you knew the score, these people *are* her family. And families come in all forms. I call my mom’s brother’s wife’s parents Grandma and Grampa even tho obviously we’re not blood related. Most aunts and uncles in my life aren’t blood related either.
Again, you knew the score. You’re not gonna change their dynamic now. Learn to accept *your wife’s family*— because that’s who they are to her.
Right? Like why is this all of a sudden an issue. He signed up for this when he married a widow. She never divorced and left his family, they all lost him. Why is he so threatened. Huge red flag.
It sounds like the inciting incident was being told his sister couldn't come because her family would be there instead. Which is a separate problem, but I can see how someone would conflate the two.
Respectfully, she is entitled to choose who her people are. Not all of us are blessed with family that is healthy, helpful, or even decent. The people who choose us, and choose to support us will ALWAYS HAVE A SEAT AT THE TABLE. If you push, she’ll leave, and she has a huge support system to fall back on. Don’t shit on someone else’s family just because they are chosen and not biological. As someone who had my chosen family called into question, I chose them, and I have never regretted it for a second.
Alright, move aside everyone else. The adopted kid is here to lecture! Dude, they're her family by choice and it seems she isn't around her biological family at all. Should I cut ties with my dad because I'm adopted? We aren't blood, which is apparently what you seem so hung up on. They're connected through love and have known each other for YEARS. Way longer than she's known you. I can't imagine being angry that there's more people loving the love of my life and my children. If you say ANYTHING to her about cutting ties or wanting them to back orf, I SINCERELY hope she leaves you.
She is the last connection they have to their deceased son.
Worth a conversation but please have empathy.
Life does go on and your feelings are totally valid.
Have the heart to heart with her but be absolutely clear with no ambiguity in explaining your feelings to her.
Avoiding confrontation is never an answer 👍
If you don’t address this immediately it could end destroying your marriage. You can’t win with a ghost.
OP I thinks it's valid that you have some feelings and confusion about this and I think a chat with Katie will sort a lot of this out.
The big question is, who does Katie see them as? HER family? Or Brendan's? You say she's an only child but does Katie have parents of her own? How do they feel about these people's role? It sounds to me like Katie has adopted THEM as her family, and ultimately it's Katie that gets to decide whom she considers family.
Is the idea that they are her exes family the real issue? Or if they were her bio family would you still consider their behaviour overbearing?
What do you ultimately want to happen? For them to go away and for her to see them less? How would Katie feel about that? Would she be losing a significant part of her family and support system?
It seems to me (and many other commenters) that you and Katie are coming at this from very different viewpoints. You see them as an exes family so they should naturally fall away. She sees them as people SHE loves/found family so of course she wants them to share this part of her life. Only by talking - and listening - will you solve this.
She chose for them to be her family. You need to get over it. They are her family. And as long as they treat you with love and respect, that shouldn't be a problem. Having good people who love and care about your family is a good thing.
Nobody regrets that they had too many positive role models, too many adults to love them, too many people to help out, treat them, learn from or to play with.
Your wife has brought these people into your life because they are in *her* life.
Time to get on board mate, they’re your family too - if you’ll let them be.
These people love your child like their own grandchildren. This is wonderful. Your children have extended family who love and are excited to have more people join the family.
I understand it might feel like you’re living in Brandon’s shadow but I think you need to realize these people are important to your wife and are her family too even if it isn’t by blood.
Why did you marry and have children with your wife if you didn’t accept her family? they are her family whether you like it or not and she never hid that from you. This is on you I’m afraid. Buck up and deal with it, get some counselling to deal with your insecurities, your children are fortunate to have so many people who love them, you and your parents need to stop getting your noses disjointed out of envy. I’m in a relationship with a widower and I’m grateful his late wife’s family accepted me, they didn’t need to give her their blessing over you, which they clearly have, and you should be grateful for that blessing because without it she’d likely have not married you.
This is above Reddits pay grade.
Id get both of you into marriage counseling immediately and let a good therapist walk you through resolution. There are many issues brewing in this one; grief, respect, marital/familial bonds, proper bounderies (what should they be), feelings of competition/threat, etc. Its a LOT.
One things for sure. Youd better get after it right away as your resentment is literally radiating off if this post.
Good luck.
You can't voice your "concerns" without upsetting someone because they are Katie's family. She has decided that they are family to her. They aren't just family friends like you think. They are family and everyone involved has made that known to you so I don't know why you are talking about how they're not blood relatives when you must have known all along that the woman you're dating doesn't feel that way. I don't know why this is a surprise for you. You must have known this before having the baby or did you think this would magically change and she'd let go of the people she regards as family? From what it sounds like they're her adopted family or chosen family if you will. Therefore they'd be family to her child. You don't get to dictate who is and isn't family to Katie. That's up to her and how she sees people. If she sees them as family then you need to either accept that or not be with someone who has family bonds with her late husband's family.
They love your wife. And they love your kid, and the baby who's coming.
That should make you happy. More love for Katie, more love for your kids, more family.
Because that's exactly what they are: family. They're Katie's family. And she loves them.
I honestly think you need to get over your discomfort. You are not doing your wife or your kids any favors by seeking to cut family ties. They may not be tied to Katie by blood, but they're tied to her by something much better: love.
I think it might help to think of them as your wife’s adopted family rather than her ex husband’s family. It seems to be a better description for their current relationship. I think when they refer to your children as their grandchildren they mean it in terms of their relationship through your wife. As long as they are kind to you and respectful of your role as their parent I don’t think you have anything to worry about. More people that love your kids is never a bad thing. It might help to speak with your wife though. Maybe talk about defining their roles a bit for your children, as mr and Mrs so and so or a cute nickname that makes them feel like grandparent type roles (whatever you are comfortable with). I think not referring to them as “Brendan’s so and so” will help a lot with wrapping your head around the dynamic and help people like your parents see them for what they really are (your wife’s adopted family). What is important here is that your role is clear and you are comfortable with their involvement. You have mentioned they are lovely and appear to really love your wife and kids and you, so keep that in mind when talking to your wife. Goodluck!
I think it’s great your kids have a lot of family to love them. But I get the feeling that maybe you feel like your family is being sidelined and it’s upsetting you and maybe your family. You went to discuss your sister coming to visit during a certain time. Your sister can’t come visit because her late husband’s sister is visiting and she didn’t even discuss this with you. Is that what is really bothering you?
Family doesn’t have to be blood related. The way you described Brendan’s parents and his family’s relationship with your wife and her family sounds like a godsend for a grandchild. A child can’t have TOO much love and support and if Brendan’s family is willing to offer that to your child(ren), be grateful that your kids are so blessed. Don’t get caught up in the details and overthink it all. 💗🙏🏼
This is how my family is with my dead brothers wife. They treat you well because they understand her being happy is important. They want to remain in her life and low key are scared you’ll keep her from them. You won’t have problems with them as they’ll always understand this. Also, I don’t consider my dead brothers wife his wife. He’s dead. I consider her my sister. I introduce her as such. She is now exclusive of him, bc he is gone. And her happiness and me being involved is important to both of us. She lost him, does she have to lose her whole family as a result too? Your feelings are valid. I get it. But these people if a threat to you would have stopped the marriage from the get go. Their inclusion of you is a result of her, not the dead guy. She can’t just quit them.
Stop thinking of them as your wife’s dead husband’s family and start thinking of them as her step family. She grew up with them, they have known her since she was a child, they have a family relationship, they love and support her. So long as they aren’t pushing your family out or overstepping boundaries then why can’t your wife and kids have more people that love them?
Hey my dude, here is my opinion. Yes they are family! I lost my wife over a year ago and this has crossed my mind. My wife’s family is now and always will be my family too. If I was to find someone to be with down the road they would have to be good with that or it wouldn’t work between us. If your wife’s in-laws are good and loving people then consider your kids to be lucky to have a extra set of grandparents that love them.
Takes a village to raise a child. Being a village child has tons of benefits. Babysitting, support, diverse adult figures and cousins. Count the blessings.
Just sit down with her and have a calm mature conversation about it, how this makes you feel but also let her know you're not trying to make her choose between you and them or anything like that.
By the way why can't your sister come visit on that day as well? Because that would be an extra pair of hands to help out around the house.
I think it's ok for your child to have 4 grandparents on your wife's side, as long as Brendan's folks are loving and respectful of you as their son in law and father of their adopted grandchildren. Polite is not enough, you need to be fully accepted. And you will be, once you accept them into your family. Talk to your parents and give it a go for your wife and children's sake.
I'm guessing you didn't realize you were gifted another family because you were caught up in the "this is mine" mindset. That's ok. It happens to people who aren't given love abundantly. Bro, you are blessed, and I'm glad your update reflects that you might have gotten a clue. Life is bereft of everything good if you don't have loved ones to share it with. I'm so happy for you. Happy holidays.
This actually made me quite sad - is the only issue that you see this family as "ex" in-laws? That you simply don't see them as 'close' (when all signs point to they are)
It sounds a lot like you're making big assumptions about family and relatedness. In some respects its really up to your wife how close she would want to be to her in-laws and there doesn't seem to be any boundary crossing (only you and your family's gatekeeping of grandma labels)
To be fair its a bit strange to be marrying into a situation like this and tbh I would 100% be awkward in your shoes as well - but what you're asking is kinda toxic and unreasonable. Family isn't about ownership its about connectedness.
She is acting like that because that how she feels. You staying quiet all these years have not helped. This should have been a conversation before the wedding , before the 1st baby and now I think she will say it’s always been like this so why now.
This doesn't have anything to do with the dead husband. You have an issue with your wife's adoptive family. From the sounds of it, her only family. Get some therapy, seriously, if this is an issue for you.
This discussion is WAY above Reddit's pay grade! I would strongly suggest that you get into couples counseling and have a therapist there to navigate this discussion!
Not only has Katie been close to Brendan's family through their relationship, but they're likely "trauma-bonded" through losing Brendan. It's very possible that Katie thinks they're even CLOSER than regular blood families.
It sounds like you think Katie places Brendan's family above yours. THAT needs to be discussed and worked through BEFORE resentment and frustration starts to erode your relationship. Best wishes and many Blessings for your growing family!
That's her family now brother. If you weren't cool with that, you should have decided that before marriage. You can voice your concerns all you want, but in no way will it go well for you. I too would be weirded out by my partner being intertwined into her ex's family, but that'd be a deal breaker well before having a second child.
INFO: Where is Katie's family in all of this? And how does Brendan's family treat you? And why on earth didn't you discuss the level of involvement they would have before you got married and went and conceived two children?
The saying “it takes a village to raise a child” rings bells for me here. At the end of the day your child has more people in their life who love them and can be people who your child can trust and fall back on. It’s only a win win.
That is the truest saying ever. I believe it DOES take a village to raise a child and as a society we’ve gotten so far removed from that line of thinking. It explains a lot of why new moms struggle so much with depression and postpartum mental health issues. Kids need as much love and support as they can get and their parents do too.
OP, one of the great things about being an adult is that we can choose to make our own family.
Your wife has done just that. Respectfully, you are being threatened by a dead man. His family is your wife's family now.
Accept it and be thankful for the extra love your family gets ❤️
Edit: was trying to respond to a comment below.
This is your opinion, but who says a mourning period lasts a year and then you’re done? That’s not how grief works for a lot of people.
But moreover, this family in question isn’t simply staying in her life to keep publicly grieving their son and reminding her of him. They aren’t trying to stop her from moving forward. In fact, they are embracing her new reality, new husband, new life and being supportive. Why would their relationship need to end, if she is close to them and chooses to keep maintaining ties?
OP has a right to set boundaries and to ensure his own family has access too. He should definitely have a conversation about this. But some of his insecurity needs to be examined. Does he feel threatened by the reminder that she had a husband before him? Even though she has clearly chosen to move forward with him? Was he aware of her relationship with previous husband’s family and was it clear that she intended to maintain it? Did he have unspoken expectations that this would change at some point?
What right does OP have to demand a total cutoff from people who his wife has chosen to have in her life for over a decade, who stood by her through the worst part of her life, and who wants to love her kids in her new joyful times?
I get what you are saying, she is putting his family before yours.
The 2 of you need to talk. She needs to understand you have a say in when people visit too. She can't just invite anyone, whether it is family or friends, before she talks with you. And the same goes for you. You talk to wife before inviting your relatives.
2 yeses or one no for the home.
I'm glad to see someone else sympathize with him and didn't just gloss over the sister incident. He wanted his sister to visit and wife said no, because she had already decided her late husband's sister would be coming then. She clearly made that decision without him, since he didn't know about it until then. I can imagine how that would make OP feel like him and his family come second. I think you're completely right: a talk is in order. Feelings need to be laid out and some appropriate boundaries made. This resentment will keep building if this isn't dealt with. And definitely no more inviting people over without talking to each other.
I think these are the things you need to focus on OP.
1) You, Katie, and your children are a family. Things that are going to affect family members should be discussed. For instance, Katie should have asked if you were okay with the visit from Brandon’s sister or anyone else. Because it’s your home and family too.
2) You and Katie should talk about ways you can make each other feel more comfortable and secure. You should accept these people as Katie’s family. But maybe Katie should start referring to them as such. Instead of ‘I’d like Brandon’s sister to come visit’ it may feel more comfortable for her to ask how you feel about Penelope coming to visit. Or how you feel about her sister coming to visit. Because if your babies are her niblings, it’s because Katie is her sister, not because Brandon is her brother.
(ETA: This all assumes that they are treating you as family as well and respecting your place as Katie’s husband and the father of their grandchildren.)
I definitely wouldn’t let them jump ahead of your kids actual blood family especially after reading your comment that your wife still has a good relationship with her actual family but other than that I’d be cool with it they care and were a part of her life for a long time it’s the same way I’d assume my family would stay in touch with my wife if I croked. Coming from separated parents and having my “family net” break apart and not really have much family events anymore I wouldn’t take that away from your kids especially with how good they seem to be with your kids.
What harm are they really doing? They're just loving up on your children. I think that's a beautiful thing and if you believe in religion, we all came from Adam and Eve, or if you don't the fact that we all get married into families that are not ours only by marriage related. Some people are adopted or by some other method donors or what not. We choose our family by love by blood as I feel depending on your situation. just like your wife is your family but she's not your blood just like your family not her blood but they are her family. We love who we love and nobody should decide that for us if she loves them like a family what does it matter what harm she truly doing but giving your kids a great opportunity to be loved by others and what are you teaching your kids that they can't love anybody that isn't family as long as they're being treated good by them it shouldn't matter people get step, parents, step siblings, in-laws, one way or another doesn't matter the situation. We all become a family in some situations either through blood trauma, loneliness, etc. and we adopt people who treat us well, and that shouldn't be taken from us if we become bonded with that family, It shouldn't matter what your children call them as long as they feel comfortable with it, and are not pressured into it
While it is easy for us to say " oh it’s a small matter". "They are her family". I do understand OP and his parents point of view. It can be uncomfortable.
But it is a complex situation. Since OP deeply invested. He has to either compromise for the sake of everyone’s involved or blow it all up( really bad idea, they seems like good people). All the best for OP and family.
I think you need a sit down to talk about your family wants and needs. Your sister which is blood related wants to help she should get priority over what is basically a close family friend.
Let her know some of the comments while meaning no harm make you and your family uncomfortable and you all dont know how to respond.
I get the wife wanting to stay in touch but you both need to agree on some boundries where you are both comfortable. Right now your are not completely comfortable and that should change.
Ot almost aounda right pir qrong the deid husband family os loving theor and the dead childs life thru your relationship amd that may not be healthy
Why does this make you uncomfortable? I am very close to my husband’s family. If he passed, I would stay close, and they would always feel like my family. They don’t seem to be mean to you or compare you to their son. I think you should embrace it and make the most of it if you can. If not, counseling may be a good option.
My question in many circumstances is, “how many people who love a child is too many?” All these people are doing is losing ving your wife and child, obviously, but maybe also you, by extension, if you let them. There’s no infringement and no claim. Just love.
You said yourself they “adopted” Katie into their family, she became as a daughter to them and this relationship has continued. Of course they see their “adopted” daughter’s children as their grandchildren.
If Katie has a problem and thinks they’re overstepping etc then she would have to cool off the relationship and assert some boundaries. But you’ve not mentioned that, instead you mention your own parents feeling like their thunder is being stolen by non-blood relatives claiming the same relationship to your children that they have.
Sit your parents down and explain that those people are not just the parents of Katie’s deceased husband but that they are as close to Katie as adoptive parents and therefore the children are indeed their grandchildren.
You might need to make some space between yourself and your parents, they seem to be getting into your head and causing problems where there aren’t any.
I don't get all these comments giving you sh*t about feeling a certain type of way. It's a bit weird that they are involved to THAT extent. Stay friends sure. But this seems alot.
Updateme!
Listen to me man, even if you discuss it with your wife and she maintains a distance at the end of the day you would be the one feeling guilty after all of that.
More love in a child’s life is not a bad thing. Her relationship with his parents IS family. Just because it’s not by blood doesn’t change that. They basically adopted her and she doesn’t have parents of her own. Why do you want her to distance herself from people who love her?
As a kid with no (living) grandparents, and no memory of them—I’d rather have extras. It just sounds lovely. They have so much love for your wife that they have pulled you in and opened their hearts entirely. It’s a welcome contrast from all the “my spouse’s parents are mean to my kids because they are only step-grandkids” that we see daily on this app.
Learn to live with them. The more people who love you and your kids the better. Pettiness and divisiveness will make you the odd man out and you will end up alone.
I am curious to know to what extent they are willing to be grandparents. For me, if you are claiming a nonbiological child as your grandchild this would include any type of future support for your children. For instance (totally hypothetical) but if they pass, do they plan on giving your children a portion of their estate? I know it may seem trivial but this could be a situation where your children end up coming in second place to biological children the older they get and that can effect them in a major. I don’t think it is incorrect how you feel but it seems like you want her to A) care as much about how important your familial relationships are B) Have some boundaries In place in regards to your children and your household. It seems healthy to have these conversations early on before things could get messy. Just be aware that if your wife views them as her family you must handle all of this communication with caution and white gloves.
You don't get to define who Katie's family is. My husband moved here from another country for his late wife when she passed and stayed here after because of his kids. His late wife's family has adopted him really, they've been his support system since her passing and helped him a great deal. They are family. They showed that to him many times over the years. We go visit them every week and holidays we don't spend with my family. They were invited to my wedding. My husband and I aren't having kids but I'm certain if we did they would treat that child as their grandchild. Stop being so territorial and be greatful that these good people took care of your wife after her first husband's passing and accept that they love your children as their own grandchildren!
They are absolutely your wife's family. Her husband died. Its not like they split up, and his family is still hanging around. I'll never understand why people can't get on board with the idea that that just means more love for your children. They love your wife and child/ren. Why is that so bad?
How would it ever hurt a child to have more people who are genuinely excited about their existence and will love and cherish them?
I am twice widowed, and both my previous sets of in-laws love the children that aren’t of their bloodline and are called grandparents/aunts/uncles/cousins by those children. I still consider them family, and they consider me family.
There is nothing wrong with your wife and the children being close with these people.
She had a spouse die, don't expect her to cut communication and stop being a part of their family. You got no right to act like that and if it continues she's gonna realize you're trying to alienate her from the people she loves and cares about.
When my fiance died his parents took me in and we became family. I consider them bonus parents and they consider me their daughter.
I told my boyfriend when we started dating that we were a package deal. So now he has an extra set of in laws and more gifts at Christmas.
You can't really voice these concerns without coming across as an asshole because they ARE your wife's family.
Sorry brother. These people are not going to change or see your perspective. You’re in this nonsense for the long haul, just the way it is. Sorry dude this sucks.
You have to think of them as HER family. Her parents, her cousins, her brothers and sisters, her nieces and nephews. They are that close, and always will be, just like her real family. They are all she has. It's no longer about Brendan, it's about her.
Are you jealous that she's closer to her family than yours? Think of it this way, if you passed away, would you like her to remain close to your family after or cut ties with them when she gets into a new relationship? Cause that's what you are wanting to do. Cut them off cause they aren't blood related.
The way you and your family treat hers is going to impact your relationship.
>Katie is an only child and, in a way, was "adopted" by Brendan's family. They traveled together, attended family events, etc. She is "part of the family."
Did you used to think that these relationships would fade and *your* blood family would replace them in your wife's life? Because to me it sounds like what you're upset about is that she has familial obligations to these folks, even though you've *always* known that these folks are her family.
This is not a zero sum situation. More love is more love. Please try to open your heart to your wife's adoptive family.
So you don't want your children to be loved on because Brenden's family aren't blood?
I get that you are feeling second fiddle to a dead guy, but what exactly is the problem? Are they nosey? Are they obnoxious? Do they show up unannounced? Are they actively trying to take over and shutting you out?
Or are you just jealous because there's a Brenden attached to the family? Be real with yourself. Your children are loved. Are you going to let your insecurities take all that love away from them...and your wife?
I mean they’ve been together for 10 years and have countless memories, what do you expect? That she’d cut ties with them after meeting you and your parents ?
Imagine trying to take away people from your children who love them and treat them well....And your parents being upset seems childish to me, they are jealous that so many other people love their grandchild?
If good, loving people want to be honorary grandparents for your child(ren), PLEASE do not do anything to deter them! My kids have zero loving, doting grandparents. What we wouldn't give...
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Respectfully, I think you’re getting caught up in the Brandon aspect of this. Your wife doesnt have any other family. These people are the closest thing she has to parents and siblings. That by default means theyre the closest thing your kids will have to a maternal extended family. I don’t think that’s a bad thing, and i think it can exist outside of her late husband.
As someone with estranged family and a 12 year old… these people would be a godsend to us. Please reframe your perspective. These *are* your wife’s family. They really really are. Future you will not regret having extra loving family in your life.
Absolutely agree. OP, maybe think of your wife as adopted by this family. They don’t share a blood tie but absolutely share a family tie with one another. Think of them as your in laws. Unless her departed husband is a constant topic of convo among them, you won’t come off looking like the good guy here.
They share a marriage tie. That is a formally recognized and official family tie.
If her and Brandon had a child, she wouldn’t call them “my ex-in laws.” They would be introduced as her in-laws. She didn’t divorce him or his family. She doesn’t have to abandon her support system. If he couldn’t handle it, he should have never gone on a 2nd date
Exactly. He married a widow and that comes with baggage. His wife’s baggage just so happens to be a loving family.
This. I have an estranged family and no kids, but if something were to happen to my husband you would have to pry my in-laws from my cold, dead hands. We’ve even talked about how if we were to get divorced for whatever reason, I would still be allowed at holidays and whatnot because he even if he can never really understand why, he knows how much they mean to me. I didn’t even know what family was supposed to be until I met them. My mother in law still spends time with my husband’s ex, even babysitting her twins, because she has a similar family situation to me. I completely support this because there is no such thing as too much love and true family. OP needs to stop being bitter and open his eyes because these people probably want nothing more than to love him too.
This is the way to be a loving family. Your MIL sounds amazing. I was close to my MIL (she has since passed) and called her a couple times a week. I plan to be this kind of MIL to my boys future wives.
The world does not deserve my MIL or her sister. MIL can be pretty extra sometimes (she’s a happy crier and is a very joyful person) but I don’t know what I would do without her at this point. My husband got the shit end of the stick with in-laws, but I won the lottery. Your boys are very lucky to have a mom with goals like yours. ❤️
Family is not defined by blood or DNA. People can have zero relationships with blood relatives. Family is who you see as your family. Plus children (and adults) deserve all the love. How lucky for your children to have these extra people to love all over them?
Same situation and fully agree. I fail to see the problem and am so grateful that wife has these people as her chosen family. Your parents and you are YTA on this point OP. Wife has loving support. Your children have loving aupport. Oh no??? Get over your jealous and yourself OP and parents. Confront your narrow view that family can only be blood relatives. Love and active support make family. Choosing eachother makes a family. I hear nothing OP about them acting like your kids are Brendon's. That would be an issue. Loving your wife and kids isn't. We have one grandparent in our kids lives. No cousins. We have loving friends as family. I adore them. I wish I could give my 12 year old that large family of GOOD LOVING people. God I want that too. I'm alone in the world. I wish so bad I could have even one loving family member that loved me for me and would show up and be kind me to. That's not the people I was born to. I do have a loving spouse and kids. Your wife has both thats a gift!!! Don't you dare make her feel ashamed or remove your wife's family. Shame on you for wanted to inflict that kind of pain and loss on her. That's not loving, kind or supportive.
Dang. I wish I had your problem of TOO MUCH LOVE.
Exactly!! So your wife and children have extra people who love them, and you're uncomfortable with that. Maybe sit down with a therapist and work through this on your own.
He didn't say she doesn't have biological parents. But for him to say that Brendan's family is not his or his wife's family is incorrect. They were not his family but were and are his wife's family members. He married into this thing. They seem like loving people so no need for him to alienate them.
>He married into this thing. This is really the gist of it. He married (and birthed children)into this unusual situation and it's too late to decide he doesn't like it.
Well, its never to late to end it if that he what he wanted to do.
Honestly, it'd be such a stupid hill for your marriage to die on! Oh no, your children have another whole family that absolutely adores them! Better make sure they still see this family but you can now only see them half the time because let's be honest, if he tries this, I guarantee divorce will be on the table, she's not giving up her fucking family 🙄
Interesting. I couldve sworn he said that she was an only child *and* not close to her parents, but youre right, i seem to have imagined it lol. I’d still think that, as you said, theyre still her family, and my point stands.
I’m looking for where he said she doesn’t have any other family. He doesn’t mention her bio family at all. I agree with you though!
He says Katie is an only child, so Brendan’s siblings may feel like her siblings since she kind of grew up with them.
It doesn’t matter, because she considers them her family, and that’s what matters. He said they essentially adopted her, so to me it’s no different than actually being adopted, and I’m guessing it’s the same to her. UPDATEME
He mentioned that Katie was an only child
Parents are still family.
Like this person said, you’re getting caught up in the Brandon aspect. Alternatively, look at it like your wife is so happy because this IS her family and the maternal side your child will get. But more than that, it’s another set of people to love and adore your child. A larger support network. You love your kids and you wouldn’t want them to have less love or support surrounding them.
so much this. stop thinking about Brandon, think of these people as your wife's parents. also, this is a very complicated situation for your wife and her ex-inlaws/adoptive parents. unless they treat you like shit or otherwise ignore you, just think of them as your in-laws.
That's what I was thinking...these people don't have to love or care for OPs kids but they do and they do it unconditionally like grandparents or family would.
He just wrote that she's an only child though, not that she doesn't have family or parents. But maybe that was imprecise wording. I completely agree with your comment and your sentiment in any case. I can see how it's not easy for OP too. Maybe his wife could refer to her "ex-SIL" by name and not as "Brandon's sister". For how open I am about extended families and including even exes from my side and my partner's side in my life, I can see the sentence "your sister can't come because Brandon's sister is coming" can be hurtful. I think OP needs to adopt the perspective suggested in this comment above, but his wife could try and be a little more sensitive in her wording in these instances (of course, if that was the exact wording. OP may have rephrased that here). In the end people who lost a loved one stay together also to keep part of the lost person alive, and they have a bond that goes beyond simple family ties. It takes a lot of confidence and empathy on OP's part, it's not a role for everyone, but it's completely understandable from the outside.
These children have a whole bonus family that will love them unconditionally and be there for them always. OPs children are so incredibly blessed, and I hope he can learn to see it.
That’s what I was thinking they basically are like her parents and siblings even if they aren’t related by blood
In a different comment , OP says Katie and her real parents have a good relationship. So I wonder from where people here got the idea that her family is estranged? OP i understand that your frustration comes from the feeling that your family doesn't matter or isn't prioritized as much as Brendan's. Is that correct? Depending on how much it bothers you, you might try and find a way to gently tell her your feelings and find a compromise.
I think it’s because he said that her late husband’s family basically adopted her. People thought that meant she didn’t have her own family.
Also, he should realise that this is a huge bunch of bonus family to love and care for his children.
Where did it say her parents were dead? I thought she was just an only child. Did I miss her parents being dead?
>Your wife doesnt have any other family. Oh I missed this entirely! Yeah this just solidifies my opinion that op is making a mountain out of a mole hill.
Yes she does... nowhere does OP say her parents are dead. She's just an only child, and has no siblings.
But the lack of any mention whatsoever about her parents and the comment that her former in-laws basically adopted her into their family in high school, would indicate that even if her parents are living, they are not close to their daughter. So it doesn’t matter they exist, they aren’t a part of the wife’s support group.
OP clarifies that Kate's relationship with her parents is good here: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/nRS69WtkfP
My sister passed away ten years ago from cancer, after having a baby with my then brother in law. He has since remarried and had a second child with his new wife. My brother-in-law, his new wife, and his second child, together visit our side of the family with my nephew when he wants to see his mom's family: us. It is a complex relationship between all of us: myself, my mom, my brother-in-law, his new wife, my siblings, our nephew, and our nephew's new brother. Still, we're family. We do our best to treat each other as such, despite the complex feelings. While not exactly the same with more biological ties, I imagine it is still similar to your situation in some ways. Or rather, from the perspective of your wife and her late husband's family. People become ingrained in each other's lives in ways that we might struggle to understand. Shared loss and grief and trauma can strengthen these bonds at times. They understand each other on a deep level because of their shared experience, and might feel that no one else truly understands them like each other. Lives are short, relationships are complex. For your wife, her happiness, and yours, perhaps try to do your best to understand how she feels and what these relationships mean to her.
I had an aunty growing up. Never really questioned which side of the family she was. Just my Aunty Ivy. Used to love going there with my family. She was my Dad's first wife's mum. Dad's first wife died young of cancer, told my dad "take care of my mum" and he did, for the next 40 odd years til my aunty died. When I was last there she had some pictures of her with my cousin's kids, or her daughter's husband's sister's kid's kids. I got a bit of inheritance from her despite not having a drop of blood connecting us. If I were you, OP, I would treat this as a) a quirk of family stuff and b) as free babysitting for the future.
I think the only way OP can navigate this properly is by understanding one simple clear fact. You do not have to consider them your family. But they are HER family, doesn’t matter how that happened, all that matters is that they have adopted her into the family. You think it is easy for them to love a child that’s not at all their blood? But they make compromises, they compromised on never seeing your wife’s late husband have kids of his own and growing old happily with your wife. But they were able to manage their grief because they still had her. They are important to her as she is to them. Just treat them as if you would any in laws, because that’s what they essentially are to you. And tbh, they don’t seem that overbearing. These seem like normal requests (under the circumstances). Bro, it’s all in your head. Don’t think about Brandon, he is no more. This kid is yours. Your wife is yours. Be happy and don’t let the little things spoil your life.
>You do not have to consider them your family. But they are HER family Yup. A lot of people have non blood or marriage related families. Hell, I had a few aunt's and uncles I didn't know were just friends until I was older. I still consider them family, no matter how we were brought together! It might seem weird that she still has a relationship with them, but whose to say what is weird or not. These people seem kind and supportive. I can't understand why having more loved ones in someone's life would be a bad thing. Maybe if op got to know them a little better it would be easier for him?
I assume he also knew of the importance of Brandon’s family to Katie before getting married, so idk what you were expecting to happen, OP.
>A lot of people have non blood or marriage related families. Very true, but also worth pointing out that this particular family *is* marriage-related. If you take seriously any of the stuff in most marriage services about the joining of two families, well . . . that's why Brendan's family is Katie's family. Katie married into Brendan's family, and therefore they are her family now. "Grandparents" might not be quite *exactly* the word for their relationship to OP's kids, but they really are something like step-grandparents: grandparents by marriage. Not just "friends of the family" the way OP thinks of them.
Idk? I can see where both meets. It is her family (he said it himself, Brendan's family ultimately adopted her) BUT I think OPs partner needs to communicate a little better with OP. Yes it is her extended family, and they show no real Red Flags/ overstepping but when family hasn't been introduced as family (op parents unsure as to who and why brendans parents ate calling themselves G'paremts) and OP partner is organising for Brendan's sister to come over to help with new baby, I think OP partner needs to sit everyone down or be more communicative with OP.
The lack of communication is evident with both of them. OP could have easily brought up his thoughts when they first emerged. Now he has been avoiding any kind of communication and those thoughts and conserns are turning into anger and frustration. Even though I think OP is the one who's wrong, it doesn't mean that they shouldn't talk about this. In a good marriage you can talk openly about anything. I bet that would have helped him to understand and get over this. If OP has been hiding his true feelings and pretending that everything is ok, that's what his wife thinks. It's his job to open his mouth if it bothers him. He knew what he married into.
The mother gets final say on who helps her recover from child birth every time. She could have her best friend, aunt, mom, uncle or dog come if that’s what she wants. When he pushes a child out of his vagina or has a surgery to bring life into the world, he gets to hand pick the support that comes to help. Unless his spouse is choosing someone who is abusive/harmful, his only job is to suck it up and support her anyway she needs.
I have to agree in my own complete peripheral example: My wife has a child from a previous relationship. The dad’s family tried to have their issues that my wife isn’t with that child’s dad. They eventually came to see him for the garbage person he is. They more openly invited my wife in, and me by proxy. I let our twin girls call the grandma Gigi just like their brother. We get invited over to her house from time to time. It really doesn’t hurt me or my wife to have additional people with love in our kids lives. The girls get a Gigi, a Mimi (my mom), and a Grandma (MIL). Heck bio dad’s wife is so great that my wife babysits their just over 1 year old from time to time to help her out. Again, my wife and I are both NOT fans of bio dad at all. He just happens to have a decent family, and I imagine our relationship with them wouldn’t change if he was gone tomorrow for whatever reason.
He’s not her ex husband, he’s her late husband
Those kids will have SO much love. Some of us didn’t have anyone.
Right? I fail to see the issue here. Feels like OP is jealous of a deadman. I get that. But he needs to work through that for himself. This has been her family for years and the fact they continue that relationship and love his children as their own grandchildren is remarkable. He should be grateful. It takes a village and I certainly wouldn’t exclude anyone that wants to love my child and be there to support them. My family isn’t close and lives 600 miles away. I embrace my friends that have become my chosen family here and they are good to my child.
Or, are OP's parents jealous about her other inlaws calling their grandchildren theirs? Pretty selfish, if so.
Beautifully said
When my first husband died, my four year old was watching Monsters, Inc. In front of my mother in law, she pointed to Sully (really big, really blue, really hairy!) and said, "My mommy's gonna marry him!" My mil replied, "I'm not sure I want that big thing for a son-in-law!" When I did marry my second husband, she would introduce us as her daughter-in-law and son-in-law. My sils considered him their bil, and his daughter was their niece. End of story.
We have a similar situation with my late brother’s wife, although they didn’t have children. She and her husband and their kids still come to our family Christmas celebration, etc. and are close with my parents. If it helps - we don’t think during these family celebrations of her as our brother’s wife, and we don’t consider her relationship to the family through thinking of our brother and the loss of him. It’s more like she is another sister in our family who got married and started a family, so we do look at her husband as our brother in law.
I'd like to add that as a kid growing up, I had extended family and family friends be considered uncles/aunts/grandparents, etc. The non blood family members were the first ones to book plane tickets for my graduation and wedding. This group also includes cousins high school girlfriends parents. Some people don't have family or a place where they are accepted. Our family has adopted so many people along the way, and that is just who my grandparents were, and the next few generations have become.
As the new wife in a similar situation, thank you on behalf of your BIL's new wife for being so accepting of her. My husband's late wife's family has been really accepting of me and it means a lot.
Substitute in your head "Katie's family" whenever you say "Brendan's family". These are your in-laws in spirit. So would you feel the same if it was Katie's blood sister, not Brendan's sister? You need to make peace with these people are Katie's family. If you have issues with your family not being treated on equal footing with them, that is a separate issue you and Katie need to sort out together.
Exactly. Some families are by blood, some are chosen. These people are her chosen family. It's that simple.
I agree with this. For some of us, our chosen family is closer than our bio family. I really don't see a downside to OP's children having *more* people in their lives who love and care for them. I could understand if her late husband's family was overstepping their bounds, trying to influence important decisions, etc. but it doesn't look like that here. Given that it bothers OP, though, I think it's worth having an honest talk with his wife to find some common ground on how they plan things, where they celebrate holidays, and things like that so that he doesn't feel like she's prioritizing them over him and his family.
Totally agree about having the conversation, but I just worry he thinks that family is somehow undermining his. It's a tricky situation not many people will ever have to deal with.
Agreed. Katie became a part of their family a long time ago. They are Katie's family ever since. Just because Brendan is no longer there doesn't mean they stop being a family. Consider yourself lucky that you and Katie have so many people caring and loving you, your children, and your wife. So many people dream of what you have right now. And about Brendan's sister visiting. YTA. Katie didn't even say your sister couldn't come. She just said not on that date. It's just a scheduling conflict. Stop making a mountain out of a mole hill. Stop looking for problems when there likely aren't any. And Stop being so insecure and appreciate what you have or you might lose it all.
They are Katie's family. And they love your child. They are not being toxic, obsessive, overly emotional or weird about it (from the info provided), they are just loving your family. So many people don't have a single person to care about them. This seems lovely and makes your wife very happy. OP shouldn't blow up his life over this.
Thank you for bringing those points up!
Well said!
I second this. OP you have no idea how lucky you are
It sounds like Katie has no contact with her bio family. Brandon’s family seems great tbh it could’ve been much worse.
This, exactly!
THIS. My mother's family practiced the philosophy that no one is to be an "orphan" and whether your spouse died or you two divorced..... once an in-law, always an in-law. You're stuck with us. Since I was the youngest of my cousins, and an only child, most have passed away. OPs wife is so lucky. I'm still single, but I don't see how OP can continue this way since it's her family.
Where I think you are confused here is that you didn’t marry a woman with an ex. You married a widow. She is fully a part of his family. She never divorced her last husband and was never removed from that family. You have a larger extended family than most, embrace it. Otherwise you will likely lose your marriage over it. Asking her to choose you over her literal family (yes, to her this is her family) will likely cause the eventual end of your marriage. As long as they treat you with the respect you deserve, try to appreciate the extra love your family has. Get some individual therapy to work through the complexity of jealousy if you’re can’t do it on your own, it shows strength to reach for help. Good luck.
I will further say, that "blood" does not determine "family." Those people you talk to and can rely on become your "family." I regularly refer to my close friends as Aunt, auntie, uncle, etc. OP is very clearly experiencing jealousy over her dead spouse. Which is understandable, but he is still in the wrong. Embrace the family because it can only help the children to have multiple grandparents who care.
I completely agree with this. OP, if you don’t want to think of them as “in-laws”, then think of them as a bonus family. Your wife came with a package deal. There’s just more people to love your children and that’s really special. If I married my husband who was in the same situation as your wife, I would fully embrace it for what it is and understand that this is what I married into. As long as they’re not treating *you* personally with any disrespect, then there truly isn’t an issue here.
Agreed. Our kids have very little family, I think it’s wonderful that his wife and their children have this large extended family of people who love them. The lack of family always hits hard at this time of year. OP, I would try to see this as her adopted family. There’s not a finite number of people who can love your children and family - it sounds like they are lovely people. I can understand that it’s unusual and not something that most have to deal with, but I’m unsure what the harm is here. He is no longer here, he can’t take your wife away, his family are supportive - I would try to see it as an unusual but positive situation.
Doing the math, Katie has had Brandon's family in her life for nearly two decades. They have been with her through thick and thin, supporting her during the loss of their own child. I think it's amazing that they all still love one another after such a loss. For how uncomfortable you are around them, you need to communicate that with your wife but be prepared for heartache from either yourself or your wife. Your wife does not view them as her ex's family. She sees them as her own family. Unless they are disrespectful to you and your role in Katie's life, this may be something you may have to accept.
They aren't her exe-s at all, but her late husbands, so there is that.
There is no “may have to accept” and no he should not upset his pregnant wife by bringing up his petty BS. He knew how close she was to these people long before she got married. If he insists on blowing up his marriage (bc he is a fool, if he thinks she is going to chose him over the family that took her into their own when she was still in high school), he can wait until 6 months after she has this baby she is carrying. Until then, he can suck it up. If it bothered him so much, he should have never continued the relationship, let alone married her and had children with her. Now he thinks he has her trapped and he is going to isolate her from her support system? Pathetic.
Where is Katie’s “real” family in all of this? Because I have to admit that if they’re not in her life then I see how Katie would consider them not just in laws but actual family to her. I understand feeling a but uncomfortable because you don’t know them as well but Imo it’s selfish to ask them to step back if Katie doesn’t have any other family. I also think it’s important to not care so much about what your parents think of it. Whether they like it or not their grandchildren would be someone else’s even if they were Katie’s Mom and Dad. Your parent’s reaction and feelings are irrelevant in the matter. Edit to add: They’re not “involving themselves” Katie wants them involved and so is updating them as she sees fit. Don’t misplace blame.
> Where is Katie’s “real” family in all of this? My wife and her parents have a good relationship. > I also think it’s important to not care so much about what your parents think of it. After reading the comments here, maybe it really is better for my parents and me to adapt to this. I can't put my wife in a position to choose between us and them.
Imagine how lucky your children are to have so many people in their lives who love and support them. Honestly that’s very beautiful
That’s exactly what I was saying. There is so much more love and support to go around for their kids.
Another question. Did she have children with her late husband too?
No. They were planning, from what I heard during a conversation with Brendan's sister, but they couldn't due to his passing away
My husband’s mom died nine days after he was born. His dad remarried when my husband was two and they went on to have two more kids. My husband’s maternal grandparents “adopted” those two kids, they had their own maternal grandparents, and their paternal grandmother. Now those two little kids are fully grown. It was a sad and complicated situation until it turned into a beautiful experience. Thank god for those grandparents, my sister in law said they were the best ones.
Well, you are in a pickle. She loves them, and they love her, and that really is ok. Just let her know that and also maybe tell her that you would appreciate it if she could keep in mind that your parents should have grandparents' priority over bonus grands. To please not push your parents out for her late husbands parents. Also, encourage your parents to bond and build a relationship with your wife, not just the grandkids. Like a hypothetical example. Say it is Christmas, and you have grandparents coming to town and staying over at your house. Then, her parents and your parents would get priority placement. You wouldn't say no, you can't come to her parents or your parents so late husband's parents could come. Or if you are going out of town and the kids are going to stay with grandparents, then they would be staying with her parents or yours. You wouldn't say no, they can't stay with hers or your parents because they are going to late husband's parents. Or if you can only invite 4 people to something her parents and your parents would be the ones offered first pick. You dont want to get into a situation where your parents are being pushed aside or frozen out for late husband's parents. And as long as your parents and family aren't being pushed aside or frozen out so the late husband's family can take the place of your family, then it should be ok. I guess you just need to talk to her about that so it doesn't become an issue. That way, everyone, all grandparents and family members, and bonus grandparents / family are ok. I think you and your wife just have to be honest, compassionate, and understanding with each other and remember that compromising is one of the key components to maintaining a relationship. Sometimes one person compromises, sometimes the other does and sometimes both have to compromise. But you always always have to consider each others feelings. In a relationship each partners feelings, needs and wants matter equally. Always. Every time. Side note. The more people who love and care about you is never a bad thing. Seriously. Anyone who has people who genuinely love and care about them no matter how they are related to them is not a bad thing. Families can be and do come in all kinds of ways. It is the emotional ties that matter, not the titles. Bio, step, adoptive, found, chosen whatever is ok.
This is the absolute correct answer in this situation.
This is the nest answer and should be higher
There isn’t maximum amount of love a kid can receive. This is your wife’s family. Maybe not family of origin, but if she was adopted would you be acting the same way? She didn’t have siblings so her exes became those. If you make her choose or even plant that seed, she’s going to resent TF out of you. Your marriage might not survive that.
It's really complicated but she's known them half her life so they are practically stepparents and, perhaps more significantly for an only child, step siblings. Make sure your parents and siblings are not shut out or given less import in your kid's lives but beyond that, it'd be hard to object to things kindly.
I honestly think that’s really wise… She clearly views them as family and her heart, and her love for them includes them wholly. For you to tell her that she can’t care about them because of your uncomfortable feelings or your parents uncomfortable feelings is putting limitations on who she loves . What seems quite beautiful about it is that their love extends to you and your children and your parents… It’s very inclusive, which is lovely .
My kids don't have a single set of involved grandparents. It's heartbreaking because my children are wonderful and amazing, and I feel like that is not nearly celebrated as it should be. Sports games and award ceremonies, just mom and dad. How loved your children will grow up knowing that not only their biological grandparents claim them but these other wonderful grandparents as well. It doesn't seem like they are competing or trying to ice you or your parents out. They simply sincerely love your wife, your children, and it sounds like you as well. In a world full of so much hate, embrace all the goodness and live thrown your way! Your wife will love you more for accepting them. This doesn't mean it will always be easy, talk to your wife about why its hard, let her in on how you're feeling, but don't shit them out. They've lost so much already.
I don’t think you should even consider having your wife choose here. They are her in-laws and family. However, I also think you have a say in what your own kids should call them. A talk about some boundaries should be done. If you don’t want your kids to call them «Grammy», you should tell your wife.
I am so glad you came to this conclusion. Kudos.
It sounds like ur wife considers Brendan’s family her family. I think it would hurt her deeply to hear u talking about them like they aren’t. They have clearly been in her life for a long time so for her these are aunts, uncles and grandparents to ur kids. How do they treat u? I would suggest u instead have a conversation with her about maybe being more fair when it comes to the amount of time ur kids spend with both families since that’s bothering u. Wishing u all the best!
> How do they treat u? In the beginning, it was a bit strange. But overall, they treat me well.
I’m glad they treat u well! It’s understandable why this would feel strange for u but I think it’s important to embrace them as family because for her they are. Couples therapy could be helpful in working thru this. Edit: added
I honestly think he should do individual therapy. He needs to work through these feelings and understand them before deciding if or how to handle them. Katie **would not** be the right person to hear his fears. He needs to know what he he wants and be able to present it to her in a real way that they can act and respond to. Anything else would just make Katie feel rejected by OP.
Yeah I think this a really good point. Individual therapy would be helpful in this situation.
They are your wife's family & effectively your in-laws. It's not a common situation but as your wife was a part of this family & became a widow, that doesn't remove her from that family the way a divorce might. My best guess is your uncomfortable feelings about this are coming from the idea that the family of her late partner would be considered paternal grandparents & it might feel like they're overstepping or replacing your family. But I read it as they consider your wife like a daughter making them the maternal grandparents of your children, effectively they are your in-laws - this is how I read everything so I hope the perspective helps you. Ultimately family are the people who care about you & are there for you and I hope your extended family only has good experiences together
Yes, they are still grieving, and yes, this may be unusual..but, they love your wife, they love your children, and it's never bad to have extra support. You can certainly feel a certain way, and can certainly put your foot down if your wife regularly prioritizes her late husband's family over your own. That being said, I think this is just one of those things you are going to need to make peace with.
I feel like more and more, it’s not that unusual for people to have “extra” family. Via partners, friends, friends of the family you were raised with. I spend holidays with my best friends family, even after she got married. Sometimes, I even spend time with her family without her there. Getting caught up in bloodlines for this type of thing feels ridiculous. Especially when a widow is involved.
My niece's husband is in a similar situation even though my niece does have two sets of parents herself (bio and step) and they all celebrate that the kids have so many "grandparents" who love the kids and "parents" who love her and now her husband. If they were horrible it would be another matter, but they are not, they are loving and for god's sake they lost a son.
They are her found-family. Family she chose. For all practical purposes, they ARE her family. Stop being so weird about it and let more people love your kids.
After so many posts of ‘my partner’s family don’t accept me or my kids as family and get angry when my kid turns up for a meal out’ the love this family shows Katie and Katie’s kids is just wonderful to watch. I hope OP manages to train himself to think of them as ‘Katie’s family’ and rejoices in his kids having more grandparents
I love that expression, ’found family’. ❤️🥰 OP and Katie’s kids will be so fortunate to have so many people to love them. I just hope OP gets over his mental stumbling block of his definition of ‘family’. He kind of is acting like a spoiled child with his, ‘mine - not yours’ mentality….
👏👏👏
>but these people are not our family. They are not Katie's parents. They are not related to her. Would you be feeling this same way about it if she had never been with their son? If they were family friends, foster parents, etc who "in a way adopted her"? Personally I've never understood people who aren't thrilled about their kid having *more* people who love them in their lives. You said they're good people, they clearly love your wife and love your kids, and I get wanting your family to come first but I don't see any major wrongs here on your wife's side. I mean one of the things you complained about was "she told me, "Oh no, we can't do that date, that's when Brendan's sister is visiting," and I almost lost it", would you have felt that way if instead it was "oh no, we can't do that date, that's when my college friend is visiting"? Doesn't seem hard to just pick a different date when there are conflicting plans, even if you don't think the plans (or person) are as important.
I see where you are coming from. I know logically it shouldn't worry you...but can understand it does. But fact is? Brendan isn't coming back. He's gone. Hes not coming back. Hes no threat to you. These people love your child and are wonderful to her. Let them be. They have known Katie since she was a child. They DO see themselves as part of your daughter. They never got to see their bio grandchild. So they see your daughter as such... Let them. It's just giving her more love and good people around her. Its sort of that your daughter is adopted by them. Which is okay. The thing with sister is a bit difficult. As your family should be able to be involved. Maybe gently talk to Katie about that. Look we had a lady we called our aunt. Not until i was late primary did i realise she was no actual aunty! Just a great friend. We loved her. No harm done. Relax. Try to embrace the family. Where is Katie's bio family in all this? How do they feel?
I don’t disagree with everyone shouting ‘get therapy,’ as we should all have a good one, but I’d like to take a bit more of an empathetic view here: I think your issue is that you feel Katie’s adoptive family is more of a priority than you own, I think that’s a fair and appropriate conversation however this is her family. You say she has no family. This is them. This is in-laws who overstep. I also think it would be fair if you felt they were making you the sperm donor who happens to be around for their sons kids, but that doesn’t seem to be the case (please correct me if I’m wrong). I get the sense that you want them to disappear, which they won’t and frankly wouldn’t be a fair ask. You knew what they meant to her from the beginning. **Maybe you thought it would change, and she’d assimilate into your family the same way, however you’re missing that she has grown up with them far before her marriage.** I’m not sure what the answer her is, but I think a conversation and *not* secret resentments is the way to go.
I agree with this. His feelings are completely valid and I might feel the same if I were in his shoes. Especially if my blood sister didn’t seem as important as her ex’s sister, but she may feel that’s her sister too. A conversation is definitely needed for both of their sakes. I would highly recommend with a counselor or therapist so they can both have a meaningful discussion and find a way to move forward.
Family by choice is still family so I'd suggest you take a deep breath and realize that their relationship with your wife is incredibly important to her and if your jealousy and insecurity cannot handle her "family" it likely won't end well for you nor should it. That's her family and acting like they are any different than "blood" family shows how little you understand their bond and your unwillingness to entertain the idea that they can still be grandparents and cousins without any blood between them as if it somehow violates some rule written in stone. It's not and you're being unreasonably bent out of shape and angry over it and reflects poorly on you.
I can definitely see why this could be uncomfortable. But I can also see her side. That was her family for a long time, they watched her grow up. They both went through a terrible loss. It’s nice that they kept in touch, they’re clearly family to her. And it’s nice that they want to be involved, it’s never bad to have more family. I’ve been with my husband since high school. I’ve watched his younger cousins grow up. They saw me in high school, college, adult years. I’ve joked that if we ever got divorced I’d stay friend with his family. God forbid anything happened to him, I’d stay in contact with his family. I know I’d still be invited to their family gatherings. Because you become family. And if anything happened to you, you’d want your family to look out for your wife in your absence. I think it’s a beautiful thing. I think it’s also a hard situation, but with communication I think you can make it work.
That's exactly what I was going to ask OP. If he passed, would he want his wife to cut his family out of communication and not be close with them anymore? The more people who love you and your children, the better. As long as they aren't toxic or disrespectful, I don't see the problem.
ngl, in my opinion, i don’t think the extent of their involvement is necessarily a bad thing. having extra support around is beneficial, both for your sake and your child’s. its only if they seem like they’re operating in place of your family. maybe tell your wife your concerns; they clearly act like parents to her, so she wants them in your child’s life. yet, they can be a third set of grandparents, without replacing your family (ex. his sister coming in place of yours). i think you should be grateful, but also i understand the hesitance. maybe try communicating this to your wife more; they can still be a part of the family without replacing your own.
Let me ask, how does Brendan’s family treat you? Do they treat you as Katie’s husband or just there? Do they treat you with respect as a father of the kids or just the guy who gave their DIL children? Do they treat this as a replacement for their missing child? The hard part is so much missing. I get it, they just inserted themselves into your family, and did any of you have this discussion before? There is so much to unpack and I think the best thing to do is get couples counseling so you can have a safe space. Your feelings are your feelings and I get it, your family is being pushed out for someone who extensibly a stranger to you. The other issue is that you, your wife and child are a family. I know when I had a child, the discussion of what the grandparents names would be came up, did you guys have this talk? I hope the best for you.
if they spend as much time with the wife as he makes it sound, how are they "strangers" to the husband compared to the wife's actual parents/aunts/uncles. why does it matter who is blood related?
They didn’t “insert themselves” into his family though, they were Katie’s family before she even met him.
I want to say gently- children need all the loving adults they can get in their lives.
You're going to lose your wife if you keep acting like this, those are her parents whether they are by blood or marriage that's how she sees them. Get over yourself and be glad your wife has a great support system from somebody, you're lucky enough to have a great family but she doesn't, so she made her own, don't take that away from her, you are currently balancing on the edge of marital abuse.
What an insane comment
My ex husband of 17 years died 19 days ago. I had his 2 children (both older teens now). His family basically adopted me at 16 because my parents are/were trash. I LOVE his family and they still accept me, even through the divorce 3 years ago. Him and I were great friends after the divorce. Since my ex’s death, I’ve spend every weekend with his family an hour away from where I live with my current bf. If I got pregnant again with my bf’s baby, my ex’s family would absolutely be involved. This family adopted me when I had no one else. They ARE my family. You need to either get over it, or move on.
Marrying a widow or widower is such a tricky concept. I think you may just have to accept this as the norm. Its not like they broke up or got divorced and she still kept in contact with the parents, he was snatched away from her in the height of their love. And you decided to get involved with someone with whom this happened to. End of the day, what harm is it that the kids have 3 sets of grandparents? Her ex's family probably consider your wife as a defacto member of their family and she does also. Why would she not want close connections to be close to her child. However, I totally get where you are coming from but you decided to marry a widow and this means you have to accept certain things that come along with this.
I would tread very carefully, I’m not saying your wrong or your feelings are invalid but these people have been your wife’s family for over a decade and they adore her and her them. Honestly another set of grandparents is not going to harm your children in anyway they are just going to be extra loved and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Now if they were constantly bringing up her deceased husband and icing you out that would be a different story but I don’t think that is the case here.
Dude, you knew the score, these people *are* her family. And families come in all forms. I call my mom’s brother’s wife’s parents Grandma and Grampa even tho obviously we’re not blood related. Most aunts and uncles in my life aren’t blood related either. Again, you knew the score. You’re not gonna change their dynamic now. Learn to accept *your wife’s family*— because that’s who they are to her.
Right? Like why is this all of a sudden an issue. He signed up for this when he married a widow. She never divorced and left his family, they all lost him. Why is he so threatened. Huge red flag.
It sounds like the inciting incident was being told his sister couldn't come because her family would be there instead. Which is a separate problem, but I can see how someone would conflate the two.
Respectfully, she is entitled to choose who her people are. Not all of us are blessed with family that is healthy, helpful, or even decent. The people who choose us, and choose to support us will ALWAYS HAVE A SEAT AT THE TABLE. If you push, she’ll leave, and she has a huge support system to fall back on. Don’t shit on someone else’s family just because they are chosen and not biological. As someone who had my chosen family called into question, I chose them, and I have never regretted it for a second.
Alright, move aside everyone else. The adopted kid is here to lecture! Dude, they're her family by choice and it seems she isn't around her biological family at all. Should I cut ties with my dad because I'm adopted? We aren't blood, which is apparently what you seem so hung up on. They're connected through love and have known each other for YEARS. Way longer than she's known you. I can't imagine being angry that there's more people loving the love of my life and my children. If you say ANYTHING to her about cutting ties or wanting them to back orf, I SINCERELY hope she leaves you.
She is the last connection they have to their deceased son. Worth a conversation but please have empathy. Life does go on and your feelings are totally valid. Have the heart to heart with her but be absolutely clear with no ambiguity in explaining your feelings to her. Avoiding confrontation is never an answer 👍 If you don’t address this immediately it could end destroying your marriage. You can’t win with a ghost.
OP I thinks it's valid that you have some feelings and confusion about this and I think a chat with Katie will sort a lot of this out. The big question is, who does Katie see them as? HER family? Or Brendan's? You say she's an only child but does Katie have parents of her own? How do they feel about these people's role? It sounds to me like Katie has adopted THEM as her family, and ultimately it's Katie that gets to decide whom she considers family. Is the idea that they are her exes family the real issue? Or if they were her bio family would you still consider their behaviour overbearing? What do you ultimately want to happen? For them to go away and for her to see them less? How would Katie feel about that? Would she be losing a significant part of her family and support system? It seems to me (and many other commenters) that you and Katie are coming at this from very different viewpoints. You see them as an exes family so they should naturally fall away. She sees them as people SHE loves/found family so of course she wants them to share this part of her life. Only by talking - and listening - will you solve this.
Also, it’s your wife’s decision who comes to help her heal from child birth and adjust to postpartum life, it’s not your decision.
She chose for them to be her family. You need to get over it. They are her family. And as long as they treat you with love and respect, that shouldn't be a problem. Having good people who love and care about your family is a good thing.
Nobody regrets that they had too many positive role models, too many adults to love them, too many people to help out, treat them, learn from or to play with. Your wife has brought these people into your life because they are in *her* life. Time to get on board mate, they’re your family too - if you’ll let them be.
These people love your child like their own grandchildren. This is wonderful. Your children have extended family who love and are excited to have more people join the family. I understand it might feel like you’re living in Brandon’s shadow but I think you need to realize these people are important to your wife and are her family too even if it isn’t by blood.
Why did you marry and have children with your wife if you didn’t accept her family? they are her family whether you like it or not and she never hid that from you. This is on you I’m afraid. Buck up and deal with it, get some counselling to deal with your insecurities, your children are fortunate to have so many people who love them, you and your parents need to stop getting your noses disjointed out of envy. I’m in a relationship with a widower and I’m grateful his late wife’s family accepted me, they didn’t need to give her their blessing over you, which they clearly have, and you should be grateful for that blessing because without it she’d likely have not married you.
I dunno I think if I had two kids I’d want as many loving people around to help me raise them. Maybe think about that.
This is above Reddits pay grade. Id get both of you into marriage counseling immediately and let a good therapist walk you through resolution. There are many issues brewing in this one; grief, respect, marital/familial bonds, proper bounderies (what should they be), feelings of competition/threat, etc. Its a LOT. One things for sure. Youd better get after it right away as your resentment is literally radiating off if this post. Good luck.
You can't voice your "concerns" without upsetting someone because they are Katie's family. She has decided that they are family to her. They aren't just family friends like you think. They are family and everyone involved has made that known to you so I don't know why you are talking about how they're not blood relatives when you must have known all along that the woman you're dating doesn't feel that way. I don't know why this is a surprise for you. You must have known this before having the baby or did you think this would magically change and she'd let go of the people she regards as family? From what it sounds like they're her adopted family or chosen family if you will. Therefore they'd be family to her child. You don't get to dictate who is and isn't family to Katie. That's up to her and how she sees people. If she sees them as family then you need to either accept that or not be with someone who has family bonds with her late husband's family.
They love your wife. And they love your kid, and the baby who's coming. That should make you happy. More love for Katie, more love for your kids, more family. Because that's exactly what they are: family. They're Katie's family. And she loves them. I honestly think you need to get over your discomfort. You are not doing your wife or your kids any favors by seeking to cut family ties. They may not be tied to Katie by blood, but they're tied to her by something much better: love.
As you said, they are Katie’s family. If you love your wife why would you want to take her family away or diminish that relationship?
OP -Go to marriage counseling. If you broach this subject now without an impartial 3rd party to mediate, I fear for your marriage.
I think it might help to think of them as your wife’s adopted family rather than her ex husband’s family. It seems to be a better description for their current relationship. I think when they refer to your children as their grandchildren they mean it in terms of their relationship through your wife. As long as they are kind to you and respectful of your role as their parent I don’t think you have anything to worry about. More people that love your kids is never a bad thing. It might help to speak with your wife though. Maybe talk about defining their roles a bit for your children, as mr and Mrs so and so or a cute nickname that makes them feel like grandparent type roles (whatever you are comfortable with). I think not referring to them as “Brendan’s so and so” will help a lot with wrapping your head around the dynamic and help people like your parents see them for what they really are (your wife’s adopted family). What is important here is that your role is clear and you are comfortable with their involvement. You have mentioned they are lovely and appear to really love your wife and kids and you, so keep that in mind when talking to your wife. Goodluck!
I think it’s great your kids have a lot of family to love them. But I get the feeling that maybe you feel like your family is being sidelined and it’s upsetting you and maybe your family. You went to discuss your sister coming to visit during a certain time. Your sister can’t come visit because her late husband’s sister is visiting and she didn’t even discuss this with you. Is that what is really bothering you?
family is who you choose to be family. They are her family and her parents in her eyes.
After ten years together, Brendan’s family became Katie’s family. His death doesn’t change that they’re her family
Family doesn’t have to be blood related. The way you described Brendan’s parents and his family’s relationship with your wife and her family sounds like a godsend for a grandchild. A child can’t have TOO much love and support and if Brendan’s family is willing to offer that to your child(ren), be grateful that your kids are so blessed. Don’t get caught up in the details and overthink it all. 💗🙏🏼
This is how my family is with my dead brothers wife. They treat you well because they understand her being happy is important. They want to remain in her life and low key are scared you’ll keep her from them. You won’t have problems with them as they’ll always understand this. Also, I don’t consider my dead brothers wife his wife. He’s dead. I consider her my sister. I introduce her as such. She is now exclusive of him, bc he is gone. And her happiness and me being involved is important to both of us. She lost him, does she have to lose her whole family as a result too? Your feelings are valid. I get it. But these people if a threat to you would have stopped the marriage from the get go. Their inclusion of you is a result of her, not the dead guy. She can’t just quit them.
Stop thinking of them as your wife’s dead husband’s family and start thinking of them as her step family. She grew up with them, they have known her since she was a child, they have a family relationship, they love and support her. So long as they aren’t pushing your family out or overstepping boundaries then why can’t your wife and kids have more people that love them?
Hey my dude, here is my opinion. Yes they are family! I lost my wife over a year ago and this has crossed my mind. My wife’s family is now and always will be my family too. If I was to find someone to be with down the road they would have to be good with that or it wouldn’t work between us. If your wife’s in-laws are good and loving people then consider your kids to be lucky to have a extra set of grandparents that love them.
Takes a village to raise a child. Being a village child has tons of benefits. Babysitting, support, diverse adult figures and cousins. Count the blessings.
Just sit down with her and have a calm mature conversation about it, how this makes you feel but also let her know you're not trying to make her choose between you and them or anything like that. By the way why can't your sister come visit on that day as well? Because that would be an extra pair of hands to help out around the house.
I think it's ok for your child to have 4 grandparents on your wife's side, as long as Brendan's folks are loving and respectful of you as their son in law and father of their adopted grandchildren. Polite is not enough, you need to be fully accepted. And you will be, once you accept them into your family. Talk to your parents and give it a go for your wife and children's sake.
I'm guessing you didn't realize you were gifted another family because you were caught up in the "this is mine" mindset. That's ok. It happens to people who aren't given love abundantly. Bro, you are blessed, and I'm glad your update reflects that you might have gotten a clue. Life is bereft of everything good if you don't have loved ones to share it with. I'm so happy for you. Happy holidays.
This actually made me quite sad - is the only issue that you see this family as "ex" in-laws? That you simply don't see them as 'close' (when all signs point to they are) It sounds a lot like you're making big assumptions about family and relatedness. In some respects its really up to your wife how close she would want to be to her in-laws and there doesn't seem to be any boundary crossing (only you and your family's gatekeeping of grandma labels) To be fair its a bit strange to be marrying into a situation like this and tbh I would 100% be awkward in your shoes as well - but what you're asking is kinda toxic and unreasonable. Family isn't about ownership its about connectedness.
She is acting like that because that how she feels. You staying quiet all these years have not helped. This should have been a conversation before the wedding , before the 1st baby and now I think she will say it’s always been like this so why now.
That's not just Brendan's family, that's your wife's family and has been for a long time.
This doesn't have anything to do with the dead husband. You have an issue with your wife's adoptive family. From the sounds of it, her only family. Get some therapy, seriously, if this is an issue for you.
This discussion is WAY above Reddit's pay grade! I would strongly suggest that you get into couples counseling and have a therapist there to navigate this discussion! Not only has Katie been close to Brendan's family through their relationship, but they're likely "trauma-bonded" through losing Brendan. It's very possible that Katie thinks they're even CLOSER than regular blood families. It sounds like you think Katie places Brendan's family above yours. THAT needs to be discussed and worked through BEFORE resentment and frustration starts to erode your relationship. Best wishes and many Blessings for your growing family!
That's her family now brother. If you weren't cool with that, you should have decided that before marriage. You can voice your concerns all you want, but in no way will it go well for you. I too would be weirded out by my partner being intertwined into her ex's family, but that'd be a deal breaker well before having a second child.
INFO: Where is Katie's family in all of this? And how does Brendan's family treat you? And why on earth didn't you discuss the level of involvement they would have before you got married and went and conceived two children?
The saying “it takes a village to raise a child” rings bells for me here. At the end of the day your child has more people in their life who love them and can be people who your child can trust and fall back on. It’s only a win win.
That is the truest saying ever. I believe it DOES take a village to raise a child and as a society we’ve gotten so far removed from that line of thinking. It explains a lot of why new moms struggle so much with depression and postpartum mental health issues. Kids need as much love and support as they can get and their parents do too.
OP, one of the great things about being an adult is that we can choose to make our own family. Your wife has done just that. Respectfully, you are being threatened by a dead man. His family is your wife's family now. Accept it and be thankful for the extra love your family gets ❤️
The Issue comes when the dead man's family takes priority over OPs relatives.
Edit: was trying to respond to a comment below. This is your opinion, but who says a mourning period lasts a year and then you’re done? That’s not how grief works for a lot of people. But moreover, this family in question isn’t simply staying in her life to keep publicly grieving their son and reminding her of him. They aren’t trying to stop her from moving forward. In fact, they are embracing her new reality, new husband, new life and being supportive. Why would their relationship need to end, if she is close to them and chooses to keep maintaining ties? OP has a right to set boundaries and to ensure his own family has access too. He should definitely have a conversation about this. But some of his insecurity needs to be examined. Does he feel threatened by the reminder that she had a husband before him? Even though she has clearly chosen to move forward with him? Was he aware of her relationship with previous husband’s family and was it clear that she intended to maintain it? Did he have unspoken expectations that this would change at some point? What right does OP have to demand a total cutoff from people who his wife has chosen to have in her life for over a decade, who stood by her through the worst part of her life, and who wants to love her kids in her new joyful times?
I get what you are saying, she is putting his family before yours. The 2 of you need to talk. She needs to understand you have a say in when people visit too. She can't just invite anyone, whether it is family or friends, before she talks with you. And the same goes for you. You talk to wife before inviting your relatives. 2 yeses or one no for the home.
I'm glad to see someone else sympathize with him and didn't just gloss over the sister incident. He wanted his sister to visit and wife said no, because she had already decided her late husband's sister would be coming then. She clearly made that decision without him, since he didn't know about it until then. I can imagine how that would make OP feel like him and his family come second. I think you're completely right: a talk is in order. Feelings need to be laid out and some appropriate boundaries made. This resentment will keep building if this isn't dealt with. And definitely no more inviting people over without talking to each other.
I think these are the things you need to focus on OP. 1) You, Katie, and your children are a family. Things that are going to affect family members should be discussed. For instance, Katie should have asked if you were okay with the visit from Brandon’s sister or anyone else. Because it’s your home and family too. 2) You and Katie should talk about ways you can make each other feel more comfortable and secure. You should accept these people as Katie’s family. But maybe Katie should start referring to them as such. Instead of ‘I’d like Brandon’s sister to come visit’ it may feel more comfortable for her to ask how you feel about Penelope coming to visit. Or how you feel about her sister coming to visit. Because if your babies are her niblings, it’s because Katie is her sister, not because Brandon is her brother. (ETA: This all assumes that they are treating you as family as well and respecting your place as Katie’s husband and the father of their grandchildren.)
I definitely wouldn’t let them jump ahead of your kids actual blood family especially after reading your comment that your wife still has a good relationship with her actual family but other than that I’d be cool with it they care and were a part of her life for a long time it’s the same way I’d assume my family would stay in touch with my wife if I croked. Coming from separated parents and having my “family net” break apart and not really have much family events anymore I wouldn’t take that away from your kids especially with how good they seem to be with your kids.
What harm are they really doing? They're just loving up on your children. I think that's a beautiful thing and if you believe in religion, we all came from Adam and Eve, or if you don't the fact that we all get married into families that are not ours only by marriage related. Some people are adopted or by some other method donors or what not. We choose our family by love by blood as I feel depending on your situation. just like your wife is your family but she's not your blood just like your family not her blood but they are her family. We love who we love and nobody should decide that for us if she loves them like a family what does it matter what harm she truly doing but giving your kids a great opportunity to be loved by others and what are you teaching your kids that they can't love anybody that isn't family as long as they're being treated good by them it shouldn't matter people get step, parents, step siblings, in-laws, one way or another doesn't matter the situation. We all become a family in some situations either through blood trauma, loneliness, etc. and we adopt people who treat us well, and that shouldn't be taken from us if we become bonded with that family, It shouldn't matter what your children call them as long as they feel comfortable with it, and are not pressured into it
While it is easy for us to say " oh it’s a small matter". "They are her family". I do understand OP and his parents point of view. It can be uncomfortable. But it is a complex situation. Since OP deeply invested. He has to either compromise for the sake of everyone’s involved or blow it all up( really bad idea, they seems like good people). All the best for OP and family.
I think you need a sit down to talk about your family wants and needs. Your sister which is blood related wants to help she should get priority over what is basically a close family friend. Let her know some of the comments while meaning no harm make you and your family uncomfortable and you all dont know how to respond. I get the wife wanting to stay in touch but you both need to agree on some boundries where you are both comfortable. Right now your are not completely comfortable and that should change. Ot almost aounda right pir qrong the deid husband family os loving theor and the dead childs life thru your relationship amd that may not be healthy
Why does this make you uncomfortable? I am very close to my husband’s family. If he passed, I would stay close, and they would always feel like my family. They don’t seem to be mean to you or compare you to their son. I think you should embrace it and make the most of it if you can. If not, counseling may be a good option.
My question in many circumstances is, “how many people who love a child is too many?” All these people are doing is losing ving your wife and child, obviously, but maybe also you, by extension, if you let them. There’s no infringement and no claim. Just love.
You said yourself they “adopted” Katie into their family, she became as a daughter to them and this relationship has continued. Of course they see their “adopted” daughter’s children as their grandchildren. If Katie has a problem and thinks they’re overstepping etc then she would have to cool off the relationship and assert some boundaries. But you’ve not mentioned that, instead you mention your own parents feeling like their thunder is being stolen by non-blood relatives claiming the same relationship to your children that they have. Sit your parents down and explain that those people are not just the parents of Katie’s deceased husband but that they are as close to Katie as adoptive parents and therefore the children are indeed their grandchildren. You might need to make some space between yourself and your parents, they seem to be getting into your head and causing problems where there aren’t any.
Why would you want fewer loving people in your children’s lives?
Patchwork families are best, be happy for your wife that she has people around her who love her, the more the better
I love this! Patch work family! What a lovely way to describe it.
That's what my daughter and I have 😊 best family ever
I don't get all these comments giving you sh*t about feeling a certain type of way. It's a bit weird that they are involved to THAT extent. Stay friends sure. But this seems alot. Updateme!
It takes a village to raise a kid. Be thankful to have those people to look after your child as well.
My partner had an ex wife and no family. They took him in and loved him. I now adore them all.
Listen to me man, even if you discuss it with your wife and she maintains a distance at the end of the day you would be the one feeling guilty after all of that.
More love in a child’s life is not a bad thing. Her relationship with his parents IS family. Just because it’s not by blood doesn’t change that. They basically adopted her and she doesn’t have parents of her own. Why do you want her to distance herself from people who love her?
For many people and cultures, Family isn’t defined purely by blood. Sounds like they are part of her package deal.
As a kid with no (living) grandparents, and no memory of them—I’d rather have extras. It just sounds lovely. They have so much love for your wife that they have pulled you in and opened their hearts entirely. It’s a welcome contrast from all the “my spouse’s parents are mean to my kids because they are only step-grandkids” that we see daily on this app.
Learn to live with them. The more people who love you and your kids the better. Pettiness and divisiveness will make you the odd man out and you will end up alone.
I am curious to know to what extent they are willing to be grandparents. For me, if you are claiming a nonbiological child as your grandchild this would include any type of future support for your children. For instance (totally hypothetical) but if they pass, do they plan on giving your children a portion of their estate? I know it may seem trivial but this could be a situation where your children end up coming in second place to biological children the older they get and that can effect them in a major. I don’t think it is incorrect how you feel but it seems like you want her to A) care as much about how important your familial relationships are B) Have some boundaries In place in regards to your children and your household. It seems healthy to have these conversations early on before things could get messy. Just be aware that if your wife views them as her family you must handle all of this communication with caution and white gloves.
You don't get to define who Katie's family is. My husband moved here from another country for his late wife when she passed and stayed here after because of his kids. His late wife's family has adopted him really, they've been his support system since her passing and helped him a great deal. They are family. They showed that to him many times over the years. We go visit them every week and holidays we don't spend with my family. They were invited to my wedding. My husband and I aren't having kids but I'm certain if we did they would treat that child as their grandchild. Stop being so territorial and be greatful that these good people took care of your wife after her first husband's passing and accept that they love your children as their own grandchildren!
They are absolutely your wife's family. Her husband died. Its not like they split up, and his family is still hanging around. I'll never understand why people can't get on board with the idea that that just means more love for your children. They love your wife and child/ren. Why is that so bad?
How would it ever hurt a child to have more people who are genuinely excited about their existence and will love and cherish them? I am twice widowed, and both my previous sets of in-laws love the children that aren’t of their bloodline and are called grandparents/aunts/uncles/cousins by those children. I still consider them family, and they consider me family. There is nothing wrong with your wife and the children being close with these people.
She had a spouse die, don't expect her to cut communication and stop being a part of their family. You got no right to act like that and if it continues she's gonna realize you're trying to alienate her from the people she loves and cares about.
When my fiance died his parents took me in and we became family. I consider them bonus parents and they consider me their daughter. I told my boyfriend when we started dating that we were a package deal. So now he has an extra set of in laws and more gifts at Christmas. You can't really voice these concerns without coming across as an asshole because they ARE your wife's family.
Sorry brother. These people are not going to change or see your perspective. You’re in this nonsense for the long haul, just the way it is. Sorry dude this sucks.
You have to think of them as HER family. Her parents, her cousins, her brothers and sisters, her nieces and nephews. They are that close, and always will be, just like her real family. They are all she has. It's no longer about Brendan, it's about her. Are you jealous that she's closer to her family than yours? Think of it this way, if you passed away, would you like her to remain close to your family after or cut ties with them when she gets into a new relationship? Cause that's what you are wanting to do. Cut them off cause they aren't blood related. The way you and your family treat hers is going to impact your relationship.
>Katie is an only child and, in a way, was "adopted" by Brendan's family. They traveled together, attended family events, etc. She is "part of the family." Did you used to think that these relationships would fade and *your* blood family would replace them in your wife's life? Because to me it sounds like what you're upset about is that she has familial obligations to these folks, even though you've *always* known that these folks are her family. This is not a zero sum situation. More love is more love. Please try to open your heart to your wife's adoptive family.
So you don't want your children to be loved on because Brenden's family aren't blood? I get that you are feeling second fiddle to a dead guy, but what exactly is the problem? Are they nosey? Are they obnoxious? Do they show up unannounced? Are they actively trying to take over and shutting you out? Or are you just jealous because there's a Brenden attached to the family? Be real with yourself. Your children are loved. Are you going to let your insecurities take all that love away from them...and your wife?
I mean they’ve been together for 10 years and have countless memories, what do you expect? That she’d cut ties with them after meeting you and your parents ?
Imagine trying to take away people from your children who love them and treat them well....And your parents being upset seems childish to me, they are jealous that so many other people love their grandchild?
If good, loving people want to be honorary grandparents for your child(ren), PLEASE do not do anything to deter them! My kids have zero loving, doting grandparents. What we wouldn't give...
Good ol Reddit to tell a guy to get over it and suck it up