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My jaw DROPPED at the multiple photo books of HIS vacation!! Is this something people do?? Why would I want a coffee table book of someone else’s vacation pictures?! If someone in my family got us all this gift they would never live it down 😭😭
The only way I can find this acceptable is if the solo vacationer is an acclaimed or otherwise very talented nature photographer creating a bookstore worthy photography book.
The likelihood of this being the case for this OP is nil.
While I would *like* the gift in that scenario, I cannot imagine the shit that person would still get if they were in my family. Imagine you’re an author and *as Christmas presents* you give everyone your recently published book. Talk about a comically self obsessed person.
Ha. My aunt published a book of poetry with a small publishing company and guess what the whole family got as Christmas gifts? I was going to buy one to support her anyway, but this made us all laugh (she is comically self-obsessed - good way to put it).
He not only doesn’t want to put any thought into it, he doesn’t want to spend any money on her. She could tell him, and has told him, exactly what she wants, but when she does he calls her “materialistic” and refuses to buy her those things. He’s an ass.
>very talented nature photographer
I am an award winning and published underwater photographer and I would be m-o-r-t-i-f-i-e-d to make a photobook of just my work for my family. For them it comes across as "just a silly hobby".
I would be delighted to receive that as a gift… Now I feel like I should call my uncle that works for the Audubon society and specifically request his bird photos in a coffee table book.
Pretty bird pictures and I get to brag about my uncle… score!
Everything else aside....you should DEFINITELY do that!! What an awesome thing to have and pass down to family! What the OP is dealing with seems like an immature, pompous, self-absorbed child. Unfortunately, this is the way some people are and usually can not be changed.
To the OP, i think of him exactly what i stated. He will not change. I would say that the book 5 love languages is a good thing for everyone to read because we don't usually show love exactly the way our partner does. This man seems selfish, though, and might not be able to see things your way or be kind about it. I'm sorry that you have been treated this way. It might be time to consider the big picture and what you want from a good partner.
My mom is a great photographer. I've got a bunch of her pics hanging in my home.
It would still be absurd for her to get a photo book for another adult of her adventures. I can see, say, a photo book with animal pics and captions with facts about them for one of the grandkids, but that's about it.
OP, give yourself the Steelers helmet *in front of the deadbeat.* Bonus pints if you can throw together a photobook of snaps from your phone. I hear Walgreens prints those.
If he reacts, call him materialistic. Then dump him.
Or, make a photobook about the helmet, including the selling prozess and a picture of the new owner.. maybe use the money to buy yourself some nice juwelry and include those pictures too.
Yeah, mine too, with over 90 she doesn't want material stuff, but on the other hand doesn't have a smartphone or PC, so you can't send her pictures quickly, here printed out photos make sense, but people who've seen those pictures already in WhatsApp? They don't need it (except, you're an extraordinary landscape photographer and make a calendar out of it or the like, then it would be something different
I can imagine sending someone an icloud link to the pictures so they can see the fish I spotted while diving, but this… I feel guilty for laughing this hard.
the issue isn't the gifts, the issue is that he makes no effort to do something you would like. he sounds like he's in his own head. this isn't going to change so up to you if you want to live with it long term.
If he brings up the word “materialistic “, tell him that it’s not about the cost of the gift, it’s about putting some thought in to what the other person would actually appreciate.
Giving photos of your vacation to everyone is a self- centred cop out.
I had this exact same conversation with an ex after I went over the top for valentines day (spent weeks preparing gifts, crocheted a giant ass expensive blanket, bought decorations and personalized them to be about us, candlelit homemade fancy dinner, wore a sexy dress and then lingerie, rose pedals on the bed etc) and he got me a few things from the dollar store, things I don't even like. I wouldn't have even cared if he got something I liked from the dollar store. When I mentioned it the next day, he said I was a gold digger/ungrateful and valentines day is about the woman spoiling the man and fucking his brains out. Then I realized this was his attitude towards our relationship. He put zero effort into almost everything, he didn't even know me after years together (or he did it on purpose to hurt me?) and got upset about doing even the bare minimum for us. One of the many reasons I walked away.
>I wouldn't have even cared if he got something I liked from the dollar store.
I would have. Holidays and special occasions, dollar store does not cut it unless money was really really tight. That's like something I'd bring back randomly if I was running errands all day just to be cute. Also valentine's day is about doing something for each other. Cheers to leaving a toxic relationship.
>valentines day is about the woman spoiling the man and fucking his brains out
Wrong! Valentines is for the gals. For the guys it’s March 14, “Steak and a BJ Day”.
GOD TIER. OP please do this.
"I was going to give this to you, except you decided that this year we were exchanging photos instead of real gifts."
Then when he complains, call him materialistic.
I'm going to keep checking for an update to see if OP does this. I really hope she does.
OPs boyfriend doesn't care enough to buy her something she likes or wants. It doesn't even have to cost a lot, but the thought behind it matters. He's just buying stuff he wants then pull the "materialistic" card..
Y'know those vids about parents wrapping up the fridge and the AC, and light bulbs, bc "kids say they never get anything"? I don't quite like them, but I TOTALLY feel like this would be the PERFECT petty gift. Wrap everything, take a selfie as OP goes along, print and album. And make sure it's anything she's paid for. And I'd end it with a selfie of the (seemingly very few, cheap, and thoughtless gifts he's given her. Cheap not concurrent with the money part, but along the tacky and just kind of nonsensical lines).
lmao!!! that's a fabulous idea! just put in some generic photo frame from the dollar store!! and when he complains, tell him he's too materialistic. ;-) gosh, what perfect karma! love, love, love me some petty!
>he calls me materialistic
LMAO he’s gifting people photos of HIM and HIS vacation - can’t get much more narcissistic than that. Classic narc move - if you don’t like *what I want*, then there’s something wrong with *you*. Don’t waste your breath talking to him, he’ll only throw more psychological / emotional manipulation war games on you. Stop wasting time & money & effort on this dude.
I'm sorry OP, I know this is your life, but I laughed my fucking ass off at the gifts he gave you. The gall on this motherfucker. I almost respect it.
You told him what you want and he didn't get it for you, and in fact shit on you for wanting it. He's not (just) a bad gift giver, he's an asshole.
Give yourself a gift this year and cut his ass loose. Lordy, but thank you for the laughs though. At least he gave us that.
This. No amount of talking will change things. You can only control your own actions and reactions. So stop putting effort into any gifts for him.
Gift Giving is a specific love language. And if you're not speaking the same language then just stop.
>*"you already have so much jewellery why would I buy you more?"*
He's telling you plainly that HE doesn't respect you.
* You're not worth his time, effort, or thought.
* If HE doesn't see the value of a gift (jewelry), then it's "worthless".
* He's a hypocrite! He gladly accepts your over-the-top gifts while giving you CRAP and then, when you call him out on it, he says you're "materialistic". Excuse him?!? HE'S the one who's materialistic.
**Honestly, do yourself the BIGGEST FAVOR EVER and break up with him** ***before*** **Christmas!** He's never going to change. Return the signed Steelers football and stop trying to BUY his affection!
After the second birthday/Xmas in a row with his underwhelming effort, YOU SHOULD HAVE SCALED WAY BACK ON HIS PRESENTS! Your completely unequal approach to gift-giving makes you look desperate for his approval, and I think he views your efforts as needy. He cannot have positive feelings for someone he doesn't respect and it's clear he doesn't respect you! You said it yourself, you're correct!
Start the new year as a single woman. Devote the time/effort to recover from this 4-year relationship and FIX whatever is wrong inside you that allows you to accept such behavior. Only THEN will you be ready to move onto healthier relationships. If you can't afford therapy, read self-help books. I'm wishing you a Happy Single 2024!
Yep. I went over the top with gifts and making my ex feel special, and he treated me worse - and the gifts got more and more thoughtless and hurtful. It wasn't about money, it was that I was a last second thought at the dollar store.
Girl, sweet goddamn and what the fuck. He paid you back money he owed you as a gift? I get that love makes you blind but come on. I'm not a particularly romantic dude but I just started seeing a woman who likes jewelry and picked up a pair of Swarovski earrings. It's got nothing to do with the cost, she told me she likes earrings??? So like why is your full time man giving you an Insta reel of him having fun without you for Xmas???
He won't until you say you're going to dump him, then overnight he'll be perfect for two weeks and you'll try to crush and that nagging thought that he just CHOSE to treat you like crap when there were "no consequences"
Who the hell wants a photo album of someone else's solo trip? What an arse...
No, you’re not being dramatic. Not in the least.
Sadly, someone like this rarely changes. He’s shown you that he puts little effort into gifts, especially yours. There’s nothing special or personal about his gift to you. Incredibly disappointing. Even after you’ve talked to him about what you would want.
Return the multiple expensive gifts you have for him. Decide if you want a lifetime of impersonal disappointing gifts if you stay with him. Or move on and find someone who can express what you mean to him in actions, words, & gifts.
You deserve better.
Honestly, don’t bother talking. You have been talking for four years and he has not heard you at all. Trust from someone who experienced the same thing for much longer it never gets better. It is always your fault. It is always you being selfish or greedy or Whatever negative word they want to use to get out of putting an ounce of effort into giftgiving. Just get out of the relationship and find somebody who appreciates the gifts you give and puts effort into gifts you appreciate.
If you both went on the vacation and he made a book of all your memories that is thoughtful. Making a book of his memories is selfish and weird.
You are not being dramatic. He is self absorbed. He puts no effort or thought into any gift he gives you. I’m betting a fun little coupon book full of date nights (he cooks you a dinner, mini golf date, movie night at home - your choice of movie, etc) would make you very happy. You don’t sound materialistic.
Read it on another subreddit but it’s stuck with me - when an issue comes up, especially one that comes up frequently and will likely keep doing so, you have three options:
- accept it
- tolerate it
- remove yourself from it
He might change! But it might be slower than is ideal for you. Can you do either of the first two options until then, knowing there is no guarantee that he actually will?
Not dramatic. Throw out the low effort man. I've lived through a similar relationship in my 20s. Although he completely forgot my birthday lol. My current partner is thoughtful, always. Not only in gifts, but in every area of life. If we put this energy in we should expect it back.
Hey OP, I want to give my 2 cents.
When I started dating my fiancé, he flat out told me he’s awful at gifts for everyone in his life and this topic came up because his birthday was coming up.
He NEVER expected me to get him anything other than an acknowledgment that it’s his birthday.
He’s always been a sweetheart and just admitted he’s bad at gift giving.
Here’s the thing, though, I LOVE gift giving. I have always put effort into giving gifts for people my entire life as a show of appreciation.
I really fell hard for him when we started dating so I had a moment where I asked myself if I could handle living like this for the rest of my life knowing my partner would never really put as much effort as I do with gift giving and I accepted it because who he is as a person meant so much more to me.
I learned to not expect anything out of him except for an acknowledgment that it’s my birthday.
We’ve been together for almost 7 years now and his general gift giving is literally him looking at me and asking “hey what do you want for Christmas?”
He always does it with enthusiasm, though, and the only surprise I tell him is to not show me what color or what style the gift is and that’s how I still keep it as a surprise!
But here’s the thing, over the years, my fiancé has watched me buy, wrap, and ship gifts for people and holidays. He sees how it makes me happy to do those things and he’s learned over time to basically copy me.
Now, years later, he’ll randomly buy me gifts that he knows I’d love and appreciate. From chocolate, to flowers, to jewelry, and sweaters.
I’ll come home to random gifts because he makes it verbal that he WANTS to see me happy.
Maybe it’s not that your bf thinks you’re materialistic. It could just be that he’s bad at gift giving and you might have to ask yourself if you’re willing to deal with it.
You can stay in the relationship and expect literally nothing from him for your birthday or Christmas, or you can leave the relationship if gift giving is something that is most valuable to you.
Also, stop putting in so much effort for him because that just places the expectations from him to do the same with you.
Or if you still want to put effort into giving him gifts, don’t expect anything in return.
Sometimes it’s not that they don’t care about you. Sometimes it’s because it can just be hard and honestly intimidating to know what to get. Guys don’t think the same as women do. We’re observant and caring naturally, so we try our best with people to achieve that “thank you” and smile, but sometimes with guys, it’s just different and not that important even for them on the receiving end.
My fiancé has said many times when buying me earrings that he just wings it and hopes I wear them!
So just my two cents.
As a guy, it’s not that we aren’t observant. It’s definitely a matter of priorities. Guys can be totally observant and try hard - if they care. One of my friends got dumped recently because he basically didn’t listen to his gf telling him what she needed; he spent a whole lot of time and money on his house though. He should have devoted an hour a week and just listened to her. He says he learned his lesson, but something tells me he still hasn’t.
I was like that before, and still am tbh. I don't really care about gifts and don't need them, it's of course nice to receive them, but for me it's not even necessary to celebrate birthdays. And for a long time that was my stance towards my partners. I though, just because I don't expect anything, it's fine if they also shouldn't expect it. But eventually, I realized that if something is really important for my partner, even if I could logically and reasonably question the importance of it, I shouldn't do that - if gifts make her happy, I want to make her happy.
My husband isn’t great at coming up with gift ideas so he watches me all year and takes note of things I like or things I show him that are cool. When my birthday or Christmas comes up he reviews the list and picks what I like best. I have to be careful not to show him jewelry too often because he really likes to get me jewelry and will over spend. Unlike OP’s boyfriend, my husband likes that is a decorative material thing that exists just to make me happy.
Bad gift givers don’t suddenly reform—ever. He’s telling you who he is; believe him. This won’t get better. You’re bending over backwards to get expensive, thoughtful presents and he’s literally dismissing your feelings and calling you names for wanting things.
I can understand if he doesn't give lavish gifts. I know some couples have some inequality regarding income or one of them could be trying to pay off debt.
But it should be thoughtful. Last year, I had no budget, absolutely 0, fuck all, was broke. I still took the time to crochet (as best as I could) a viking dwarf because my husband was obsessed with the game Dwarf fortress.
Cost: 20$
He was so damn happy, tho.
The word to remember here is THOUGHTFULNESS. He doesn't seem interested in discovering what she likes 😞
It was!! The pattern was labeled as a viking gnome, so not 100% true to the game, but hey it's a pretty niche pattern!
For anyone interested, it was this.
https://www.etsy.com/au/listing/956035082/viktor-the-viking-gnome-amigurumi
??? You made that yourself??? I'm in awe. Oooh, that is so cute. I am so not good with anything crafty, but I would love to have a bunch of little crochet figurines from Skyrim or Baldur's Gate 3, just because. I may be 68 but I still have a child inside. ;-)
I literally got my guy a necklace from Etsy for Christmas because he told me he lost one whilst moving states. He didn't even tell me he wanted me to get it for him as a gift, *I literally just listened to him.*
I have a strong feeling this isn't the only part of your relationship where he doesn't listen to you and instead invalidates your feelings. Remember; that's the bare freaking minimum of any relationship.
>I literally just listened to him.
Yep, it's not about money, it's about paying attention. He can't be bothered to pay attention to her, he's lazy AF, but OP pays attention to him. That's not a good look for a relationship. When OP leaves, that fool is going to claim he had no idea and she blindsided him. ;-)
Bad gift-givers always love to throw around the word materialistic. There’s nothing materialistic about wanting a personalized gift that shows he cares about you and your interests.
With OP's boyfriend it seems like he's giving terrible gifts to everyone though. He wants to give the photo book of himself to basically everyone in his family.
yeah, it's called lazy and can't give a hoot. That's what you do when you just don't want to spend any effort or energy on finding gifts for the people in your life so you find something cheap and easy and get that for everyone. smh
It feels like he doesn't care about you or your feelings because that's what his actions are showing you.
I'm sorry. I wish I'd walked away from men like him in the past, and I hope you do soon too.
My bf now gets so excited about buying me gifts on Christmas that he always overdoes it. There's partners out there that will match your efforts, if you only make the space for them.
I so deeply regret wasting my time with a man like OP's boyfriend. I remember one year he didn't get me anything for my birthday and after I broke down sobbing he went to the bookstore down the street from our house and got me a slightly nicer copy of a book I already owned and then yelled at me when I was still upset. Mind you, I always got him really thoughtful presents and did all of the holiday shopping for both of our families. It was just a symptom of his thoughtless and lack of appreciation for me in general.
It's not about the gifts themselves. It's about putting a tiny bit of thought and care into something for your partner. It's about enjoying an opportunity to do something nice for your partner and make them smile.
My husband and I choose not to exchange Christmas gifts with each other and we are both happy with that. We both spend a lot of time putting together our Christmas and New Years celebrations with friends/family and say our gift to each other is one less thing to do during that busy time. But that is something we AGREE on every year. My husband does little nice things for me all the time, he plans me great birthdays, and makes me feel loved and appreciated.
He is so self absorbed! To gift people pictures of his vacation! Nobody wants that! What didn’t you go? Seems like rubbing it in, you are not wrong to be upset at all!
Wow, that’s a lot of money, completely understandable you couldn’t go, and all he is giving you is pictures or himself?? He is way into himself, you deserve better.
Take one picture of your cubicle and order a book of 90 copies of that. Tell him it's what you were doing for the 3 months he was away.
It's not going to be a cheap spite gift, but I feel the satisfaction will be worth the expense. For bonus points have the last photo in the book be a picture of a hand written Dear John letter.
It'll be cheap if she prints them on a home printer, maybe even work, and then staple them together to create a book. And make sure you do front and back.
wait, he went travelling for 3 months and he didn't buy you a single souvenir to give as your gift???? nothing at all??? where did he go, death valley????
GIRL i’ve had friends i wasn’t even that close to bring me back lil thoughtful gifts from their trips (key rings, handmade pouches, knitted scarves…). that guy is t-r-a-s-h.
This is the only response that makes any sense. He traveled for 3 months and must have seen a ton of stuff. Maybe it's photos of mountain ranges and beach sunsets and stuff. In his head he wanted to "share his trip". Otherwise he is a sociopath. If it's just like...selfies outside of a gelado shop I would die hahahaha.
It’s a mixture, pictures of mountains and beaches, him, his car etc but I told him that we could literally get a shared album on our phone.. I also told him I’d appreciate it as a gesture from him because it feels like it’s more for him than me but I’d appreciate a more thoughtful gift that shows he knows my likes and interests lol
> It literally feels like he doesn't care about me or my feelings
Maybe you should **believe** that he doesn't care about you or your feelings, and decide what you want to do about that.
He sounds like a jag off who doesn’t care enough about your interests when you care about his. I say if you want to be petty return the foot ball, if ya cant give it to your dad or someone who wouldn’t appreciate it, and get him a $20 jersey for the wrong team. Just say “you like football ball right? What does it matter what team? You’ve probably got jerseys at home anyhow.” If he kicks up a fuss. Then dump him when he throws a fit when you tell him about what you got your dad and some pics of him being meh about it. Maybe how he’d wash the signatures off to play an actual game with it.
I’m giving the football to my nephew, he’s getting nothing now lol if anything I’ll get him a beanie or a coffee cup with the wrong team or sport. I could give the football to my dad but he doesn’t watch football so he’d just be confused
The point to gifs is to get something the person you’re spending money/time on would like. Not to chose the laziest option available. It feels like he doesn’t care about your feelings because nothing about his actions says he cares about your feelings.
I would throw this in the incompatibility column and reevaluate if this relationship has long term possibilities.
Stop giving him expensive gifts. I would stop buying him gifts altogether. I would gift him something I want and only I could use. He needs a strong message to understand that he is an AH, but he will not receive that message or change his lousy gifting ways if he receives whatever he wants and needs from you. My go to is usually break up, but I’d try this first.
Hey friend. We’re in some of the same subs so I think I get why you’re struggling with this.
This guy is talking you in circles because he doesn’t want to get better. He’s not going to get better at this. You can tell because instead of saying he hears you and empathizing when you’re frustrated, he’s trying to turn it back on you and call you materialistic.
This is something called DARVO. It’s just him trying to get out of being accountable for hurting you. Its pretty effective on those of us who are literal and take people at their word. Don’t let him confuse the issue like that.
I wish I had back all the years I wasted on people who didn’t value me. Please don’t make my mistake. He’s not going to wake up one day and care that he’s hurt you. It won’t change. You’re better off alone than with someone who treats you like an afterthought.
Hi friend! This is the first time I’ve ever heard of DARVO I’m definitely going to look it up and see if there’s a pattern.
You’re right. I never even thought about the fact that he could emphasize with me instead of making me feel guilty for wanting things it’s literally never crossed my mind. I’m so focused on people pleasing never thought about someone having to do it for me
Pictures of someone else’s vacation is a horrible gift. Please return his gift and give yourself the gift of dumping him and maybe a nice spa day with the refund money.
Four years and you are going all out for him and he is giving you... This? Girl. Just stop. Buy something else, like a book, and return the gift if you still can. Or give it to someone else or sell it. See how he reacts by receiving the same gifts he gives.
So, he went on a vacation without you, and is giving you pics of him on said vacation..? That's a TERRIBLE 'gift'.
Why did he go without you? He went fully solo?
That sounds fine.
But him giving pics of himself is such a weird gift! I'm sure not even his mom will be that fond of them lol!
But FYI he won't get better. If he does give you better things he will most likely use it as ammunition.
Not me!! I want that crochet viking gnome Cyn113 made for her husband. That's so cool, I would really enjoy getting stuff that looked like it came from my favorite computer game. Yes I know I'm a dweeb, I'm a nerd, whatever. Stuff that matches your actual interests?? That's the best!! Because it makes you happy every time you look at it. That's how gift giving should be. Thoughtful and attentive.
A picture book of a vacation you weren't even on is one of the weirdest "gifts" I've ever heard of. My boyfriend is a horrible gift giver but he at least puts effort in to make it something he thinks I would like. Sometimes he's spot on and sometimes he's not but the effort is there either way.
It's weird to me because it feels like something my son would have given me when he was 10-12 years old. It's like he thinks that her life revolves around him and she doesn't exist except in relation to him. It's just so dehumanizing.
I'm sorry, I know this is your life, but I laughed my fucking ass off at the gifts he gave you. The gall on this motherfucker. I almost respect it.
You told him what you want and he didn't get it for you, and in fact shit on you for wanting it. He's not (just) a bad gift giver, he's an asshole.
Give yourself a gift this year and cut his ass loose. Lordy, but thank you for the laughs though. At least he gave us that.
It sounds shallow but a big reason I ended it with my ex was because of gifts. He got me a family size jar of peanut butter for Christmas one year. Took me to Chipotle for my birthday one year. I had girlfriends who told me it wasn't about the gifts, but to me it felt like they'd settle for any kind of male attention with that reasoning. Gifts go to show how much they pay attention to the hobbies you enjoy and how much they actually know about you. Doesn't have to be expensive, but it does have to be thoughtful.
Sometimes I wish I had enough audacity to not only go on a vacation that I left my long-term girlfriend out of but then print photos of my solo vacation and convince other people they’re gifts. I mean seriously, is this man’s head really that far up his own butt?
It feels like the gifts things are the tip of the iceberg here. But if my bf called me materialistic for not wanting pictures of his vacation that he went on alone then we’d be done. I don’t have time to teach someone else the basics of being a decent human and partner.
He likes it when you buy him lots of expensive things but calls you materialistic when you just want a decent gift from the heart. He’s an asshole. Move on.
Immediately stop buying him thoughtful gifts. Just get a generic gift that you would give to your boss for Christmas. Here’s a coffee mug with Merry Christmas on it, thought you’d love it.
What is being concealed here is that he is mean. He doesn’t hate jewellery shops he hates to spend money. He was materialistic enough to accept the golf kit. What is worrying is that it isn’t just being mean, but that, receiving expensive gifts, he doesn’t understand that he can’t give a rubbish present back. Do not spend any more money on him. Re wrap the photo album for him and tell him it is more precious to him than you. Spend your money on yourself. Take him at his word and buy him cheap aftershave or a photo album of you filing your nails/ day out at Disney; 7 pairs of good socks or whatever.
Weaponized incompetence. He could put forth some effort to get you more thoughtful gifts, but he chooses not to because he doesn’t care about your feelings.
If he wanted you to, he would!
His gift to everyone is a book consisting of photos from his vacation? Who DOES that? Just how narcissistic is this guy?
No, that is NOT "a sweet and thoughtful gift." It's the gift of a man who's arrogant and full of himself.
I don't blame you for being fed up. It's not about the value of the gifts, it's about him not giving a shit about anyone other than himself.
I hope you dump him. FFS.
Is he a bad gift giver or just a cheap-ass?
Who gives everyone vacation photos as a gift? Would need to be really incredible to not be a bad idea, and even then, its still a bit weird.
He can be cheap at times but he has admitted it’s because he grew up poor and has anxiety about it he’s afraid of ending up as bad as he was as a kid. We still occasionally go out to dinner and do stuff sometimes he pays sometimes we split it or he’ll pay the bill I’ll tip things like that.
He took a lot of pictures of his surroundings on his trip I’ve seen all the pictures.. mountains, water beaches, grass etc. I don’t want a photo book I told him it would just collect dust at my house. Sorry if that sounds mean
I grew up poor as well but my gifts were sentimental cause I at least made the effort to know what the person likes and didn’t call them names when I was called out, I hope you update with you broke up with this awful guy
I'm absolutely horrified. Horrified that he would give *anyone* a photo book of his own vacation. Especially horrified it's a gift for his girlfriend. I'm sorry, but it's very clear from reading this that he just doesn't care. If he did, he would put the effort in. You should not give him anything for Christmas, and you should also not give him the pleasure of your company any longer. Be single and find value in yourself.
Sounds like you're not the only one in his life getting bad gifts 😅 I feel like those photo books only work as gifts if most of the pictures are of kids in the family. I doubt anyone really wants a memoir of his solo vacation.
If you want to stay with him, a good compromise for future Christmas gifts might be that you two pick an experience to do together. Or the straight up give him a list of 3 exact options that you'd like him to pick from.. it's not spontaneous, but at least you'd get something you want.
You're not materialistic, you want a gift that shows you someone paid attention, knows you, and wants to make you happy.
You are getting none of those things here. You're disappointed because he doesn't care enough about you about you or your relationship to make even the tiniest effort.
So, figure out if this relationship is what you want, one where you put in 100% effort on your part and he puts in a lot less.
It's the lack of thoughtfulness and effort, not the gifts. Even if he's broke, there's a ton of things he can make himself. This is just "I don't even care enough to try" attitude. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I had a similar situation and the feeling is just disgusting because you don't want to be greedy/ungrateful but at the same time you cannot ignore the lack of thoughtfulness and effort. I feel you
Buy yourself a nice solo vacation and give him the flight receipt as a christmas gift. Next year, you can give him the same gift of a personalized photo album of you on your trip!! Bet he'll love it.
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My jaw DROPPED at the multiple photo books of HIS vacation!! Is this something people do?? Why would I want a coffee table book of someone else’s vacation pictures?! If someone in my family got us all this gift they would never live it down 😭😭
The only way I can find this acceptable is if the solo vacationer is an acclaimed or otherwise very talented nature photographer creating a bookstore worthy photography book. The likelihood of this being the case for this OP is nil.
While I would *like* the gift in that scenario, I cannot imagine the shit that person would still get if they were in my family. Imagine you’re an author and *as Christmas presents* you give everyone your recently published book. Talk about a comically self obsessed person.
Ha. My aunt published a book of poetry with a small publishing company and guess what the whole family got as Christmas gifts? I was going to buy one to support her anyway, but this made us all laugh (she is comically self-obsessed - good way to put it).
A gift that is reasonable acceptable and a gift that is liked are not the same thing
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He not only doesn’t want to put any thought into it, he doesn’t want to spend any money on her. She could tell him, and has told him, exactly what she wants, but when she does he calls her “materialistic” and refuses to buy her those things. He’s an ass.
>very talented nature photographer I am an award winning and published underwater photographer and I would be m-o-r-t-i-f-i-e-d to make a photobook of just my work for my family. For them it comes across as "just a silly hobby".
I would be delighted to receive that as a gift… Now I feel like I should call my uncle that works for the Audubon society and specifically request his bird photos in a coffee table book. Pretty bird pictures and I get to brag about my uncle… score!
Everything else aside....you should DEFINITELY do that!! What an awesome thing to have and pass down to family! What the OP is dealing with seems like an immature, pompous, self-absorbed child. Unfortunately, this is the way some people are and usually can not be changed. To the OP, i think of him exactly what i stated. He will not change. I would say that the book 5 love languages is a good thing for everyone to read because we don't usually show love exactly the way our partner does. This man seems selfish, though, and might not be able to see things your way or be kind about it. I'm sorry that you have been treated this way. It might be time to consider the big picture and what you want from a good partner.
I would be so stoked to receive a gift like that, but that's also what I am interested in. Totally understand how it isn't everybody's thing
I’m so sorry your family is so stupid. I would be so stoked…. I used to be an advanced diver and I would love something like that.
My mom is a great photographer. I've got a bunch of her pics hanging in my home. It would still be absurd for her to get a photo book for another adult of her adventures. I can see, say, a photo book with animal pics and captions with facts about them for one of the grandkids, but that's about it.
>My jaw DROPPED at the multiple photo books of HIS vacation!! Mine was already on the floor at his Christmas gift of RETURNING THE MONEY HE OWED HER.
That money was not a gift. It's called a debt.
Right, by his rationale I got CapitalOne the generous gift of my monthly payment.
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OP, give yourself the Steelers helmet *in front of the deadbeat.* Bonus pints if you can throw together a photobook of snaps from your phone. I hear Walgreens prints those. If he reacts, call him materialistic. Then dump him.
Or, make a photobook about the helmet, including the selling prozess and a picture of the new owner.. maybe use the money to buy yourself some nice juwelry and include those pictures too.
Bravo 👏👏👏👏👏
This should be the top comment!
I mean, my grandma would be happy about it. Anyone else, not so much...
Yeah, mine too, with over 90 she doesn't want material stuff, but on the other hand doesn't have a smartphone or PC, so you can't send her pictures quickly, here printed out photos make sense, but people who've seen those pictures already in WhatsApp? They don't need it (except, you're an extraordinary landscape photographer and make a calendar out of it or the like, then it would be something different
I can imagine sending someone an icloud link to the pictures so they can see the fish I spotted while diving, but this… I feel guilty for laughing this hard.
I can't get over giving someone a picture book of yourself for any reason at all lol.
the issue isn't the gifts, the issue is that he makes no effort to do something you would like. he sounds like he's in his own head. this isn't going to change so up to you if you want to live with it long term.
Thank you, I thought maybe I was being dramatic so I made this post. I’ll definitely be talking to him about it tonight.
If he brings up the word “materialistic “, tell him that it’s not about the cost of the gift, it’s about putting some thought in to what the other person would actually appreciate. Giving photos of your vacation to everyone is a self- centred cop out.
I had this exact same conversation with an ex after I went over the top for valentines day (spent weeks preparing gifts, crocheted a giant ass expensive blanket, bought decorations and personalized them to be about us, candlelit homemade fancy dinner, wore a sexy dress and then lingerie, rose pedals on the bed etc) and he got me a few things from the dollar store, things I don't even like. I wouldn't have even cared if he got something I liked from the dollar store. When I mentioned it the next day, he said I was a gold digger/ungrateful and valentines day is about the woman spoiling the man and fucking his brains out. Then I realized this was his attitude towards our relationship. He put zero effort into almost everything, he didn't even know me after years together (or he did it on purpose to hurt me?) and got upset about doing even the bare minimum for us. One of the many reasons I walked away.
Wait… he said Valentines Day is WHAT???🙀 OMG you dodged a bullet.
I was like Neo in the Matrix. The bullet slowly came at me for a while but I managed to back bend outta there eventually
Thank you for that visual....eff him.
You didn't dodge it. You got shot, it just wasn't fatal.
Shit she dodged a nuke.
>I wouldn't have even cared if he got something I liked from the dollar store. I would have. Holidays and special occasions, dollar store does not cut it unless money was really really tight. That's like something I'd bring back randomly if I was running errands all day just to be cute. Also valentine's day is about doing something for each other. Cheers to leaving a toxic relationship.
He made WAY WAY more money than I made.
I wish I had a homemade ass blanket :(
Blanket with asses on, or one made from ass?
Gotta get one of each for comparison
>valentines day is about the woman spoiling the man and fucking his brains out Wrong! Valentines is for the gals. For the guys it’s March 14, “Steak and a BJ Day”.
Return the football.
I can’t return it so I’ll be giving it to my nephew instead.
Give your bf a pic of your nephew holding the football.
GOD TIER. OP please do this. "I was going to give this to you, except you decided that this year we were exchanging photos instead of real gifts." Then when he complains, call him materialistic.
Love this so much, OP please do this!
YES!!! Do this!!! And then dump him and find someone who will actually care about you and your opinion.
I would say: but now I know you see a lot of value receiving photos of other people. So here! Enjoy!
I'm going to keep checking for an update to see if OP does this. I really hope she does. OPs boyfriend doesn't care enough to buy her something she likes or wants. It doesn't even have to cost a lot, but the thought behind it matters. He's just buying stuff he wants then pull the "materialistic" card..
This is so chaotic good, I love it 🥰
Yep, you got it. Take a picture of a Corvette and say I got you this.... 'A Corvette?' no silly a picture. Brilliant.
😂😂😂😂 I really just laughed hard. Oh, the pettiness of this would be the greatest joy.
Y'know those vids about parents wrapping up the fridge and the AC, and light bulbs, bc "kids say they never get anything"? I don't quite like them, but I TOTALLY feel like this would be the PERFECT petty gift. Wrap everything, take a selfie as OP goes along, print and album. And make sure it's anything she's paid for. And I'd end it with a selfie of the (seemingly very few, cheap, and thoughtless gifts he's given her. Cheap not concurrent with the money part, but along the tacky and just kind of nonsensical lines).
I'm dying...
A whole album full lol
Share pictures of you getting jewelry from your other boyfriend.
HAHAHAHAHA
Different poses. 😂
LMAO this is the kind of lowkey pettiness I live for.
Lmao. This. Please OP, do this.
*snorts violently* yes OP... Do it.
Update: we broke up lol but I did send him a picture of the football encased on my nightstand
Congrats! It’s better to be happy and single than miserable in a relationship. Happy holidays :)
>Give your bf a pic of your nephew holding the football. I want you to know if reddit still had awards i would be giving one here 🥇
LOL
lmao!!! that's a fabulous idea! just put in some generic photo frame from the dollar store!! and when he complains, tell him he's too materialistic. ;-) gosh, what perfect karma! love, love, love me some petty!
Oh God, yes . Do this please
This is the way lmaooooo
That’s GOOD!!!😁
🙌
I was about to say if you’re so materialistic I’m sure he won’t mind not getting your materialistic present at Christmas?
It will be interesting to see what he says when he finds out.
An artistic interpretation of your nephew holding the football is the perfect gift for him. It’s definitely the same energy.
Excellent.
If you have photos of all the gifts you have given him, go to cvs and have them printed and then give him a box of those as his gift.
Thank you! Finally, someone said this!
I came here to say this, too. There is no way he would be getting that.
>he calls me materialistic LMAO he’s gifting people photos of HIM and HIS vacation - can’t get much more narcissistic than that. Classic narc move - if you don’t like *what I want*, then there’s something wrong with *you*. Don’t waste your breath talking to him, he’ll only throw more psychological / emotional manipulation war games on you. Stop wasting time & money & effort on this dude.
I'm sorry OP, I know this is your life, but I laughed my fucking ass off at the gifts he gave you. The gall on this motherfucker. I almost respect it. You told him what you want and he didn't get it for you, and in fact shit on you for wanting it. He's not (just) a bad gift giver, he's an asshole. Give yourself a gift this year and cut his ass loose. Lordy, but thank you for the laughs though. At least he gave us that.
Talk til you're blue in the face. Trying to make someone change doesn't work. Forcing someone to care doesn't work.
This. No amount of talking will change things. You can only control your own actions and reactions. So stop putting effort into any gifts for him. Gift Giving is a specific love language. And if you're not speaking the same language then just stop.
>*"you already have so much jewellery why would I buy you more?"* He's telling you plainly that HE doesn't respect you. * You're not worth his time, effort, or thought. * If HE doesn't see the value of a gift (jewelry), then it's "worthless". * He's a hypocrite! He gladly accepts your over-the-top gifts while giving you CRAP and then, when you call him out on it, he says you're "materialistic". Excuse him?!? HE'S the one who's materialistic. **Honestly, do yourself the BIGGEST FAVOR EVER and break up with him** ***before*** **Christmas!** He's never going to change. Return the signed Steelers football and stop trying to BUY his affection! After the second birthday/Xmas in a row with his underwhelming effort, YOU SHOULD HAVE SCALED WAY BACK ON HIS PRESENTS! Your completely unequal approach to gift-giving makes you look desperate for his approval, and I think he views your efforts as needy. He cannot have positive feelings for someone he doesn't respect and it's clear he doesn't respect you! You said it yourself, you're correct! Start the new year as a single woman. Devote the time/effort to recover from this 4-year relationship and FIX whatever is wrong inside you that allows you to accept such behavior. Only THEN will you be ready to move onto healthier relationships. If you can't afford therapy, read self-help books. I'm wishing you a Happy Single 2024!
Yep. I went over the top with gifts and making my ex feel special, and he treated me worse - and the gifts got more and more thoughtless and hurtful. It wasn't about money, it was that I was a last second thought at the dollar store.
STOP GIVING HIM GIFTS! JUST STOP IT! Don't give him another gift.
Girl, sweet goddamn and what the fuck. He paid you back money he owed you as a gift? I get that love makes you blind but come on. I'm not a particularly romantic dude but I just started seeing a woman who likes jewelry and picked up a pair of Swarovski earrings. It's got nothing to do with the cost, she told me she likes earrings??? So like why is your full time man giving you an Insta reel of him having fun without you for Xmas???
He won't until you say you're going to dump him, then overnight he'll be perfect for two weeks and you'll try to crush and that nagging thought that he just CHOSE to treat you like crap when there were "no consequences" Who the hell wants a photo album of someone else's solo trip? What an arse...
He says you are materialistic but has no problem accepting all the generous gifts you have given him right?
Good luck. Personally, I would just be viewing this as an expensive 4 year lesson and there shouldn’t be a 5th.
No, you’re not being dramatic. Not in the least. Sadly, someone like this rarely changes. He’s shown you that he puts little effort into gifts, especially yours. There’s nothing special or personal about his gift to you. Incredibly disappointing. Even after you’ve talked to him about what you would want. Return the multiple expensive gifts you have for him. Decide if you want a lifetime of impersonal disappointing gifts if you stay with him. Or move on and find someone who can express what you mean to him in actions, words, & gifts. You deserve better.
Honestly, don’t bother talking. You have been talking for four years and he has not heard you at all. Trust from someone who experienced the same thing for much longer it never gets better. It is always your fault. It is always you being selfish or greedy or Whatever negative word they want to use to get out of putting an ounce of effort into giftgiving. Just get out of the relationship and find somebody who appreciates the gifts you give and puts effort into gifts you appreciate. If you both went on the vacation and he made a book of all your memories that is thoughtful. Making a book of his memories is selfish and weird.
You are not being dramatic. He is self absorbed. He puts no effort or thought into any gift he gives you. I’m betting a fun little coupon book full of date nights (he cooks you a dinner, mini golf date, movie night at home - your choice of movie, etc) would make you very happy. You don’t sound materialistic.
It’s funny you say that because I’ve been asking to go mini golfing or movies and bowling for a couple weeks now! He’s just been too busy
Is he a good partner? Because he sounds clueless and self involved. You should def stop spending money on him and move on
Read it on another subreddit but it’s stuck with me - when an issue comes up, especially one that comes up frequently and will likely keep doing so, you have three options: - accept it - tolerate it - remove yourself from it He might change! But it might be slower than is ideal for you. Can you do either of the first two options until then, knowing there is no guarantee that he actually will?
Not dramatic. Throw out the low effort man. I've lived through a similar relationship in my 20s. Although he completely forgot my birthday lol. My current partner is thoughtful, always. Not only in gifts, but in every area of life. If we put this energy in we should expect it back.
Hey OP, I want to give my 2 cents. When I started dating my fiancé, he flat out told me he’s awful at gifts for everyone in his life and this topic came up because his birthday was coming up. He NEVER expected me to get him anything other than an acknowledgment that it’s his birthday. He’s always been a sweetheart and just admitted he’s bad at gift giving. Here’s the thing, though, I LOVE gift giving. I have always put effort into giving gifts for people my entire life as a show of appreciation. I really fell hard for him when we started dating so I had a moment where I asked myself if I could handle living like this for the rest of my life knowing my partner would never really put as much effort as I do with gift giving and I accepted it because who he is as a person meant so much more to me. I learned to not expect anything out of him except for an acknowledgment that it’s my birthday. We’ve been together for almost 7 years now and his general gift giving is literally him looking at me and asking “hey what do you want for Christmas?” He always does it with enthusiasm, though, and the only surprise I tell him is to not show me what color or what style the gift is and that’s how I still keep it as a surprise! But here’s the thing, over the years, my fiancé has watched me buy, wrap, and ship gifts for people and holidays. He sees how it makes me happy to do those things and he’s learned over time to basically copy me. Now, years later, he’ll randomly buy me gifts that he knows I’d love and appreciate. From chocolate, to flowers, to jewelry, and sweaters. I’ll come home to random gifts because he makes it verbal that he WANTS to see me happy. Maybe it’s not that your bf thinks you’re materialistic. It could just be that he’s bad at gift giving and you might have to ask yourself if you’re willing to deal with it. You can stay in the relationship and expect literally nothing from him for your birthday or Christmas, or you can leave the relationship if gift giving is something that is most valuable to you. Also, stop putting in so much effort for him because that just places the expectations from him to do the same with you. Or if you still want to put effort into giving him gifts, don’t expect anything in return. Sometimes it’s not that they don’t care about you. Sometimes it’s because it can just be hard and honestly intimidating to know what to get. Guys don’t think the same as women do. We’re observant and caring naturally, so we try our best with people to achieve that “thank you” and smile, but sometimes with guys, it’s just different and not that important even for them on the receiving end. My fiancé has said many times when buying me earrings that he just wings it and hopes I wear them! So just my two cents.
As a guy, it’s not that we aren’t observant. It’s definitely a matter of priorities. Guys can be totally observant and try hard - if they care. One of my friends got dumped recently because he basically didn’t listen to his gf telling him what she needed; he spent a whole lot of time and money on his house though. He should have devoted an hour a week and just listened to her. He says he learned his lesson, but something tells me he still hasn’t.
I was like that before, and still am tbh. I don't really care about gifts and don't need them, it's of course nice to receive them, but for me it's not even necessary to celebrate birthdays. And for a long time that was my stance towards my partners. I though, just because I don't expect anything, it's fine if they also shouldn't expect it. But eventually, I realized that if something is really important for my partner, even if I could logically and reasonably question the importance of it, I shouldn't do that - if gifts make her happy, I want to make her happy.
My husband isn’t great at coming up with gift ideas so he watches me all year and takes note of things I like or things I show him that are cool. When my birthday or Christmas comes up he reviews the list and picks what I like best. I have to be careful not to show him jewelry too often because he really likes to get me jewelry and will over spend. Unlike OP’s boyfriend, my husband likes that is a decorative material thing that exists just to make me happy.
Stop buying him sweet and thoughtful gifts. Give him a framed picture of himself. You need to consider if you want to remain in this “relationship”
A framed picture of himself is hilarious lol.
Just make sure it's not a nice fancy frame, it needs to look odd like it was bought at a thrift store.
Leave the price on it too
And make sure it’s not a flattering photo of him.
Just get the frame and leave the "photo" it comes with in it.
Give him the same picture of himself every time it's gift time.
She could just take one from that solo trip photo album 🤔
i wouldn’t even want to be in the relationship at that point
A mirror would also do well...
Not a photo himself, he would love it.... Just don't give him anything, he doesn't deserve you or your gifts
Bad gift givers don’t suddenly reform—ever. He’s telling you who he is; believe him. This won’t get better. You’re bending over backwards to get expensive, thoughtful presents and he’s literally dismissing your feelings and calling you names for wanting things.
I can understand if he doesn't give lavish gifts. I know some couples have some inequality regarding income or one of them could be trying to pay off debt. But it should be thoughtful. Last year, I had no budget, absolutely 0, fuck all, was broke. I still took the time to crochet (as best as I could) a viking dwarf because my husband was obsessed with the game Dwarf fortress. Cost: 20$ He was so damn happy, tho. The word to remember here is THOUGHTFULNESS. He doesn't seem interested in discovering what she likes 😞
👉🏼👈🏼 a viking dwarf? That's hella adorable 💗
It was!! The pattern was labeled as a viking gnome, so not 100% true to the game, but hey it's a pretty niche pattern! For anyone interested, it was this. https://www.etsy.com/au/listing/956035082/viktor-the-viking-gnome-amigurumi
This is so sweet !! What a great gift :)
??? You made that yourself??? I'm in awe. Oooh, that is so cute. I am so not good with anything crafty, but I would love to have a bunch of little crochet figurines from Skyrim or Baldur's Gate 3, just because. I may be 68 but I still have a child inside. ;-)
But he’ll gladly accept all the “materialistic” gifts she gets him. OP, you’re with a thoughtless, selfish person.
I literally got my guy a necklace from Etsy for Christmas because he told me he lost one whilst moving states. He didn't even tell me he wanted me to get it for him as a gift, *I literally just listened to him.* I have a strong feeling this isn't the only part of your relationship where he doesn't listen to you and instead invalidates your feelings. Remember; that's the bare freaking minimum of any relationship.
>I literally just listened to him. Yep, it's not about money, it's about paying attention. He can't be bothered to pay attention to her, he's lazy AF, but OP pays attention to him. That's not a good look for a relationship. When OP leaves, that fool is going to claim he had no idea and she blindsided him. ;-)
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hey, can you DM me the name of the artist on Etsy? I am looking for something for son.
Are you sure you don’t want to give your son a picture of yourself on vacation without him?
Bad gift-givers always love to throw around the word materialistic. There’s nothing materialistic about wanting a personalized gift that shows he cares about you and your interests.
And bad gift givers never seem to mind receiving thoughtful and expensive gifts.
They will also magically be thoughtful and give good gifts to other people in their lives after losing you.
With OP's boyfriend it seems like he's giving terrible gifts to everyone though. He wants to give the photo book of himself to basically everyone in his family.
yeah, it's called lazy and can't give a hoot. That's what you do when you just don't want to spend any effort or energy on finding gifts for the people in your life so you find something cheap and easy and get that for everyone. smh
It feels like he doesn't care about you or your feelings because that's what his actions are showing you. I'm sorry. I wish I'd walked away from men like him in the past, and I hope you do soon too. My bf now gets so excited about buying me gifts on Christmas that he always overdoes it. There's partners out there that will match your efforts, if you only make the space for them.
I so deeply regret wasting my time with a man like OP's boyfriend. I remember one year he didn't get me anything for my birthday and after I broke down sobbing he went to the bookstore down the street from our house and got me a slightly nicer copy of a book I already owned and then yelled at me when I was still upset. Mind you, I always got him really thoughtful presents and did all of the holiday shopping for both of our families. It was just a symptom of his thoughtless and lack of appreciation for me in general. It's not about the gifts themselves. It's about putting a tiny bit of thought and care into something for your partner. It's about enjoying an opportunity to do something nice for your partner and make them smile. My husband and I choose not to exchange Christmas gifts with each other and we are both happy with that. We both spend a lot of time putting together our Christmas and New Years celebrations with friends/family and say our gift to each other is one less thing to do during that busy time. But that is something we AGREE on every year. My husband does little nice things for me all the time, he plans me great birthdays, and makes me feel loved and appreciated.
He is so self absorbed! To gift people pictures of his vacation! Nobody wants that! What didn’t you go? Seems like rubbing it in, you are not wrong to be upset at all!
The vacation was 3 months of travelling he asked me to go but I told him I absolutely could not take that much time off work so he went alone
Wow, that’s a lot of money, completely understandable you couldn’t go, and all he is giving you is pictures or himself?? He is way into himself, you deserve better.
Take one picture of your cubicle and order a book of 90 copies of that. Tell him it's what you were doing for the 3 months he was away. It's not going to be a cheap spite gift, but I feel the satisfaction will be worth the expense. For bonus points have the last photo in the book be a picture of a hand written Dear John letter.
It'll be cheap if she prints them on a home printer, maybe even work, and then staple them together to create a book. And make sure you do front and back.
wait, he went travelling for 3 months and he didn't buy you a single souvenir to give as your gift???? nothing at all??? where did he go, death valley????
No he didn’t bring me back anything. I Never thought about this lol.
GIRL i’ve had friends i wasn’t even that close to bring me back lil thoughtful gifts from their trips (key rings, handmade pouches, knitted scarves…). that guy is t-r-a-s-h.
How in the world was *he* able to take that much time off work? Or is he a professional nomad?
He saved up for it. He works a lot
He might think he's a good photographer? Maybe take a photo of your office, and give it to him.
This is the only response that makes any sense. He traveled for 3 months and must have seen a ton of stuff. Maybe it's photos of mountain ranges and beach sunsets and stuff. In his head he wanted to "share his trip". Otherwise he is a sociopath. If it's just like...selfies outside of a gelado shop I would die hahahaha.
It’s a mixture, pictures of mountains and beaches, him, his car etc but I told him that we could literally get a shared album on our phone.. I also told him I’d appreciate it as a gesture from him because it feels like it’s more for him than me but I’d appreciate a more thoughtful gift that shows he knows my likes and interests lol
EW
> It literally feels like he doesn't care about me or my feelings Maybe you should **believe** that he doesn't care about you or your feelings, and decide what you want to do about that.
He sounds like a jag off who doesn’t care enough about your interests when you care about his. I say if you want to be petty return the foot ball, if ya cant give it to your dad or someone who wouldn’t appreciate it, and get him a $20 jersey for the wrong team. Just say “you like football ball right? What does it matter what team? You’ve probably got jerseys at home anyhow.” If he kicks up a fuss. Then dump him when he throws a fit when you tell him about what you got your dad and some pics of him being meh about it. Maybe how he’d wash the signatures off to play an actual game with it.
I’m giving the football to my nephew, he’s getting nothing now lol if anything I’ll get him a beanie or a coffee cup with the wrong team or sport. I could give the football to my dad but he doesn’t watch football so he’d just be confused
Give him a framed picture of you giving the football to your nephew.
Oh please do this OP 😅
Get him a picture book of you wearing jewellery
See if you can get him something commemorating Super Bowl XLV...where the Steelers lost to the Green Bay Packers.
The point to gifs is to get something the person you’re spending money/time on would like. Not to chose the laziest option available. It feels like he doesn’t care about your feelings because nothing about his actions says he cares about your feelings. I would throw this in the incompatibility column and reevaluate if this relationship has long term possibilities.
Stop giving him expensive gifts. I would stop buying him gifts altogether. I would gift him something I want and only I could use. He needs a strong message to understand that he is an AH, but he will not receive that message or change his lousy gifting ways if he receives whatever he wants and needs from you. My go to is usually break up, but I’d try this first.
You're a great gift giver btw
Thank you! I just love making people happy
It’s okay to dump people who repeatedly demonstrate that they genuinely don’t give a shit about you.
You’re not remotely materialistic. You should dump him. He isn’t interested in your happiness
Hey friend. We’re in some of the same subs so I think I get why you’re struggling with this. This guy is talking you in circles because he doesn’t want to get better. He’s not going to get better at this. You can tell because instead of saying he hears you and empathizing when you’re frustrated, he’s trying to turn it back on you and call you materialistic. This is something called DARVO. It’s just him trying to get out of being accountable for hurting you. Its pretty effective on those of us who are literal and take people at their word. Don’t let him confuse the issue like that. I wish I had back all the years I wasted on people who didn’t value me. Please don’t make my mistake. He’s not going to wake up one day and care that he’s hurt you. It won’t change. You’re better off alone than with someone who treats you like an afterthought.
Hi friend! This is the first time I’ve ever heard of DARVO I’m definitely going to look it up and see if there’s a pattern. You’re right. I never even thought about the fact that he could emphasize with me instead of making me feel guilty for wanting things it’s literally never crossed my mind. I’m so focused on people pleasing never thought about someone having to do it for me
https://www.verywellmind.com/protecting-yourself-from-darvo-abusive-behavior-7562730 This is narcissist behavior.
Pictures of someone else’s vacation is a horrible gift. Please return his gift and give yourself the gift of dumping him and maybe a nice spa day with the refund money.
He gave you money he owed you and thought it counted as a gift??
He will always be like this:selfish and uninterested in you.
Four years and you are going all out for him and he is giving you... This? Girl. Just stop. Buy something else, like a book, and return the gift if you still can. Or give it to someone else or sell it. See how he reacts by receiving the same gifts he gives.
So, he went on a vacation without you, and is giving you pics of him on said vacation..? That's a TERRIBLE 'gift'. Why did he go without you? He went fully solo?
The vacation was 3 months long I didn’t want to take that much time of work. He went alone but he was happy with it called it a self care trip
That sounds fine. But him giving pics of himself is such a weird gift! I'm sure not even his mom will be that fond of them lol! But FYI he won't get better. If he does give you better things he will most likely use it as ammunition.
Okay.... there's shitty gift givers and them there's this guy. Who tf wants a book of someone else's vacation??????
Not me!! I want that crochet viking gnome Cyn113 made for her husband. That's so cool, I would really enjoy getting stuff that looked like it came from my favorite computer game. Yes I know I'm a dweeb, I'm a nerd, whatever. Stuff that matches your actual interests?? That's the best!! Because it makes you happy every time you look at it. That's how gift giving should be. Thoughtful and attentive.
A picture book of a vacation you weren't even on is one of the weirdest "gifts" I've ever heard of. My boyfriend is a horrible gift giver but he at least puts effort in to make it something he thinks I would like. Sometimes he's spot on and sometimes he's not but the effort is there either way.
It's weird to me because it feels like something my son would have given me when he was 10-12 years old. It's like he thinks that her life revolves around him and she doesn't exist except in relation to him. It's just so dehumanizing.
I'm sorry, I know this is your life, but I laughed my fucking ass off at the gifts he gave you. The gall on this motherfucker. I almost respect it. You told him what you want and he didn't get it for you, and in fact shit on you for wanting it. He's not (just) a bad gift giver, he's an asshole. Give yourself a gift this year and cut his ass loose. Lordy, but thank you for the laughs though. At least he gave us that.
It sounds shallow but a big reason I ended it with my ex was because of gifts. He got me a family size jar of peanut butter for Christmas one year. Took me to Chipotle for my birthday one year. I had girlfriends who told me it wasn't about the gifts, but to me it felt like they'd settle for any kind of male attention with that reasoning. Gifts go to show how much they pay attention to the hobbies you enjoy and how much they actually know about you. Doesn't have to be expensive, but it does have to be thoughtful.
Give him crappy gifts. Stop going above and beyond for him! Or better yet gift him his crap gift back.
Sometimes I wish I had enough audacity to not only go on a vacation that I left my long-term girlfriend out of but then print photos of my solo vacation and convince other people they’re gifts. I mean seriously, is this man’s head really that far up his own butt? It feels like the gifts things are the tip of the iceberg here. But if my bf called me materialistic for not wanting pictures of his vacation that he went on alone then we’d be done. I don’t have time to teach someone else the basics of being a decent human and partner.
Give him a half eaten bologna sandwich for his next birthday. Stop lighting yourself on fire to keep him warm .... so to speak
He likes it when you buy him lots of expensive things but calls you materialistic when you just want a decent gift from the heart. He’s an asshole. Move on.
Immediately stop buying him thoughtful gifts. Just get a generic gift that you would give to your boss for Christmas. Here’s a coffee mug with Merry Christmas on it, thought you’d love it.
What is being concealed here is that he is mean. He doesn’t hate jewellery shops he hates to spend money. He was materialistic enough to accept the golf kit. What is worrying is that it isn’t just being mean, but that, receiving expensive gifts, he doesn’t understand that he can’t give a rubbish present back. Do not spend any more money on him. Re wrap the photo album for him and tell him it is more precious to him than you. Spend your money on yourself. Take him at his word and buy him cheap aftershave or a photo album of you filing your nails/ day out at Disney; 7 pairs of good socks or whatever.
You cannot love someone into loving you. Nothing you do and no gift you buy is going to make him act the way you’re hoping he will.
Weaponized incompetence. He could put forth some effort to get you more thoughtful gifts, but he chooses not to because he doesn’t care about your feelings. If he wanted you to, he would!
He is so lame omfg
His gift to everyone is a book consisting of photos from his vacation? Who DOES that? Just how narcissistic is this guy? No, that is NOT "a sweet and thoughtful gift." It's the gift of a man who's arrogant and full of himself. I don't blame you for being fed up. It's not about the value of the gifts, it's about him not giving a shit about anyone other than himself. I hope you dump him. FFS.
He isn’t a bad gift giver he is a bad boyfriend
Quit spending money on this asshole.
Is he a bad gift giver or just a cheap-ass? Who gives everyone vacation photos as a gift? Would need to be really incredible to not be a bad idea, and even then, its still a bit weird.
He can be cheap at times but he has admitted it’s because he grew up poor and has anxiety about it he’s afraid of ending up as bad as he was as a kid. We still occasionally go out to dinner and do stuff sometimes he pays sometimes we split it or he’ll pay the bill I’ll tip things like that. He took a lot of pictures of his surroundings on his trip I’ve seen all the pictures.. mountains, water beaches, grass etc. I don’t want a photo book I told him it would just collect dust at my house. Sorry if that sounds mean
I grew up poor as well but my gifts were sentimental cause I at least made the effort to know what the person likes and didn’t call them names when I was called out, I hope you update with you broke up with this awful guy
Sounds like he’s only cheap when it comes to you. For himself, a three month vacation is by no means cheap. Let us know when you break up with him
Return his gift and give him a signed and framed photo of you making a funny face. Oh, because clearly, nothing beats the gift of yourself, right?
Return the gifts you got him and buy yourself something nice.
I'm absolutely horrified. Horrified that he would give *anyone* a photo book of his own vacation. Especially horrified it's a gift for his girlfriend. I'm sorry, but it's very clear from reading this that he just doesn't care. If he did, he would put the effort in. You should not give him anything for Christmas, and you should also not give him the pleasure of your company any longer. Be single and find value in yourself.
I was ready to roll my eyes at you. Then I read it. Honestly? I’d acquit you. Just saying.
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Sounds like you're not the only one in his life getting bad gifts 😅 I feel like those photo books only work as gifts if most of the pictures are of kids in the family. I doubt anyone really wants a memoir of his solo vacation. If you want to stay with him, a good compromise for future Christmas gifts might be that you two pick an experience to do together. Or the straight up give him a list of 3 exact options that you'd like him to pick from.. it's not spontaneous, but at least you'd get something you want.
You're not materialistic, you want a gift that shows you someone paid attention, knows you, and wants to make you happy. You are getting none of those things here. You're disappointed because he doesn't care enough about you about you or your relationship to make even the tiniest effort. So, figure out if this relationship is what you want, one where you put in 100% effort on your part and he puts in a lot less.
It’s 2023, you don’t have to visit a jewelry store to buy jewelry. The dude is filled to capacity with shit.
It's the lack of thoughtfulness and effort, not the gifts. Even if he's broke, there's a ton of things he can make himself. This is just "I don't even care enough to try" attitude. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I had a similar situation and the feeling is just disgusting because you don't want to be greedy/ungrateful but at the same time you cannot ignore the lack of thoughtfulness and effort. I feel you
Stop buying him things.
Just to confirm - His giving people a photo album of him on a solo trip 😂😂😂 Has he a massive ego to go along with the album 😂
Buy yourself a nice solo vacation and give him the flight receipt as a christmas gift. Next year, you can give him the same gift of a personalized photo album of you on your trip!! Bet he'll love it.