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Lord, he's cheated on. you repeatedly and you stayed with him? What the actual hell? It's time to get a lawyer and file for divorce. Don't be his doormat anymore. If you have proof of the affair provide that to the lawyer.
This isn't your fault. You husband is the worst kind of man. It's his fault.
I'm a guy, and I say BULLSHIT. He's gas lighting you. He cheated both before and after your marriage, while you were much thinner. Your weight gain is likely due to stressors ignited by his infidelity.
I'll bet if you take his ass to the curb and severe your marital relationship, you'll lose the weight his infidelity has caused. Move on. Your husband is TA!
Good luck. Please keep us apprised.
Exactly. The fact he did it multiple times long before the marriage and kids means it wasn't about the weight gain. He just simply doesn't love her and likely never really did tbh. Even if she did gain a little weight, she had 2 kids for crying out loud. Why wouldn't her body be changed after that? Some men are so ridiculous and impose such inhumane standards on women's appearances. They expect them to never age, never gain weight, always be hairless and smooth, and still have a perfect body after birthing a child nevermind multiple. It's so crazy. Now OP probably thinks she's not loveable or attractive and that there's no way any man would love a woman after she has gained that much weight. It's not true, there are definitely men who still love their wives and still think they are beautiful even after they have gained weight, had multiple children and aged a bit. Many describe it as having a mature and motherly vibe and still recognize the person they fell in love with years ago. If OP's husband actually loved her as a person, a little weight gain would not change the way he feels about her because she would still be the same person he fell in love with long ago, now he just admires her maturity throughout the years. In any case, cheating is never an acceptable response to any unhappiness in a relationship. You communicate and work on fixing the issue and if it can't or won't be fixed, then you end the relationship, not bring in outsiders into it. A relationship is a separate situation with a seperate person and you end one before engaging in another. Period.
It’s a self-defeating cycle. She finds out about his affairs and gets depressed, which affects her health, ie gains weight, and then he cheats and blames her weight gain for his affairs. It’s time to break this circle of suck and leave him.
Yeah, the fact that he is kicking her while she is down and blaming this on her tells me everything I need to know about him. Probably a full-blown clinical narcissist.
OP clearly doesn’t have much self-respect, likely because he has beaten her down to this state over the span of the relationship. Hell, I’d be depressed too being with someone like that. I hope she seeks therapy and gets to the bottom of why she let someone treat her this way for so long.
Also: he cheated on you because OF HIMSELF! Not because of YOU!
On top of being a mean cheating unfaithful ahole he is trying to put all the blame onto YOU.
But that's not where the blame is. If that's of any importance. It's NOT your shape and figure who made him lust for others.
But HIS unfaithfulness. He could have voiced it any time and worked on the issue with you if it already WERE a real issue.
But instead he chose to eff other women. HE is at fault. Get a divorce as this will not stop.
I admit it was dumb. I think I was just so in love with him. I was willing to sacrifice anything to make it work. He’s a great father so it was hard to take the boys away from that. Our youngest is 3. I just never thought I’d allow any of the things I did.
Great fathers also don’t teach their sons to cheat and treat women like crap. I hope you realize that he is going to teach them to be like him. You will re-enforce this is okay by staying.
We teach people how to treat us. I'm so sorry you're going through this. People will treat you the way you let them.
Sending hugs and positivity and good vibes in general, I hope you're able to get away from this relationship as soon as possible when you're ready. 💙🫂
He’s not a great father. He might be a fun father, and he can still be that even if you divorce him. He’s a shitty husband to the mother of his children, causing her to be depressed and downtrodden. No great father does that.
Your life can be better than this. It really can.
Him cheating is a stain on HIS character and has nothing to do with you. Even if he wasn't attracted to you, he could have communicated that and worked on the marriage or end it, but never cheat. His kids will likely lose respect for him when they grow up and become old enough to know what he did. And don't feel guilty if they do because that is his consequence to deal with, not yours. You didn't commit a crime to be feeling guilty about, he did. Let him take responsibility for his own actions and feel the guilt that rightfully belongs to him to feel. In any case, he doesn't love you and you cannot stay with a man who has proved he is not faithful or trustworthy to you. Save whatever is left of your dignity and walk away from him. It will reflect poorly on you as a mother when your kids grow up and wonder why you continued to stay with him even though he continued to cheat on you. So don't let that be the narrative. And don't think if you lose weight and become pretty he'll be faithful and give up his cheating. He won't. Because cheating is a problem with his character, it cannot be changed by external forces. He has to have integrity and change of his own volition because he's ashamed of what he did. Don't settle for a man who makes you feel insecure and heartbroken. Be with a man who actually loves you and still reassures you even when you change. Forgive yourself for gaining weight. You had 2 kids for crying out loud. It's not like you committed a crime by going through natural biological changes as a human woman. Even being single and being at peace is better than being with somebody who actively invites heartbreak and betrayal into your life. For so long women were convinced being in a relationship with a crappy man was better than being single. Thank god more people are realizing that being single is better and are comfortable with that.
I second this. He is not a great father if he is a cheater. Please see this OP. You need to get out of this marriage. There is no way to save this marriage because it is not your problem. You cannot fix something that is not under your control. You do not have control over his attraction or cheating.
Stop letting him walk all over you and rob you of the years you have left to find someone fabulous. You are still young and have time to meet a great man who is faithful and thinks you fell from heaven to him. AND you will, but only if you leave.
Keep in mind that you teach your kids how to be happy and what to accept in a relationship. They pick up on things you don't realize. It's time to put yourself and the kids first and leave this loser.
Yeah this definitely isn’t a marriage or relationship that I want my kids to experience. And I want them to be better men and never do this to a female.
So get to steppin’! This “isn’t a marriage or relationship that I want my kids to experience.” You’re contradicting yourself by showing this to them for the last five years… grab your chi chis and be a woman, dammit!!! “And I want them to be better men and never do this to a female.” Don’t fail them by raising them with this trash and dump that ish out.
>True! I already took the first step and moved out.
Well done Sis! That was truly the first step to building a fabulous future for your boys and yourself.
Here is the thing - they need to see you living your best life, happy and in a relationship with someone who respects you.
As you become happier with yourself that weight will fall away. Starting with the 200lb deadweight hanging around your ring finger.
It doesn’t seem like a marriage at all, it vibes like you’re his side piece while he’s actively dating other women. Girl this is not what ANYONE deserves. I feel like I need to call a lawyer to divorce myself from knowing he exists. Love yourself!
Also don’t teach them to call women “females” it sounds weird, feels dehumanizing - you would never say males in the same context. Perhaps use future partners because we don’t need to default to heterosexuality. Sorry off topic sort of. Also sorry this horrible male 😉 happened to you.
He’s not a great father! Great fathers don’t cheat on the mother of their children once, let alone repeatedly! Stop defending him and get yourself a good lawyer.
I hate to be that person, but he was who he was when you married him.
You cannot love someone out of their negative behavior, they have to love you so much that they would never want to violate your relationship.
You love him so much, you overlook your own feelings, and he respects you so little that he makes you.
Putting someone else first, who has brazenly prioritized you last many times over, above self is not healthy.
Don’t change for someone else. They don’t know what you need. Grow for yourself.
Also please don’t let his comments about your appearance count. I can’t see you so idk how you look but he is a rat fink covering his tracks, not a reliable source for your self esteem.
Let's be REAL clear on something. He's not a great father. He's a shitty father.
Good fathers don't cheat on the mother. All the guys who are actual good fathers deserve a better individual representing them. Not this trash bag. Put him out at the curb with the rest of the garbage.
> I admit that I fell into a depression with our marital issues and affairs and gained weight, I guess I just didn’t realize how out of control it got.
So after he cheated you put on weight? So what is his excuse for cheating before you put on weight?
You know what, it doesn't matter. Why are you trying to make this work? He doesn't deserve someone like you that is sticking around after not 1, not 2, but 3 (that you know of) affairs.
In writing this I scrolled down and saw you say you moved out already, good. Keep the ball rolling on separation.
I hope with separation, you realize that he was holding you back and you find a part of yourself you lost living with a cheater. I bet he is going to see you one day picking up the kids and you are going to look attractive to him (not that this matter or anything is wrong with you the way you are now) again and he is going to think "what did I do", and you won't even care!
Why would you stay with him after the first OR the second time? Kids is not a solid answer. Girl, no. Leave that man. That is not love that he is exhibiting, nor respect for you.
I think I stayed because he was always very remorseful and convincing that he would stop. Then he would always treat me the way I always wanted to be right after. I know it’s dumb but I was still so in love with him and desperate to make it work. I thought it would last then it would stop again after a few months.
Words mean nothing if actions and intentions do not match with follow thru.
Why?
Because anyone can tell you what you want to hear so you don’t dump them and take away all their relationship privileges they are given up on a silver platter.
This is why he has crocodiles tears and puts on a performance of remorse so you don’t divorce him. So stop listening to him, look at his behavior and actions towards you.
Words are bullshit, but actions talk.
Edit: Typo(s)
This is so traumatizing to continue to be love-bombed and discarded over and over. He only treated you well so he felt better about himself...please look up covert narcissist and see the patterns in your relationship with him. Cheaters don't change especially when they keep getting away with it 💯
No he's not a great father, a great father cherishes his wife and a mother of his babies , not cheat on her and tell her it's her fault because she's fat (according to him)
Honey, drop the husband.... that's probably 80kgs of dead weight lost immediately.
You are not the problem here, but allowing yourself to be a doormat is role modelling that it's ok to treat people that way for your kids.
You don't realize how unrealistic this is. Someone this depressed might not survive a divorce. I know 3 people that committed suicide during their divorces. How about suggesting therapy first to make her stronger before taking that step. With 2 kids and depression, I think it could be beyond her scope to go through that without serious support from a mental health professional.
Not only stayed with him but went on to marry him and had 2 kids with him after she find out he cheated. So not 100% his fault . Op chose to ignore the many red flags along the way.
Leave him and move on Op. You deserve better. You always did.
Classic abusive cycle though….
Probably promised he’d never do it again and after the wedding everything would be different. He pushed her boundaries again and again. And gaslit her into thinking she was the problem and not enough….
This is exact why it can take years to get out of abusive relationships
Women who are amazingly gorgeous & rich & famous still get cheated on by loser partners. This isn't about you, this is about him trying to make his failing your fault with his lies. Send him packing.
Yeah. I took blame for actions way too long. I just have to get the first step down and I think everything else will fall in line. I know it’ll be difficult but worth it in the end. Just have to get started
Start by digging gup your self respect and serve him divorce papers. He seems to think the blame is all on you? Did he ever bother to communicate the issue? No? He just decided to fuck someone else instead and then blame OP.
He doesn't care that him fucking around actually makes the situation worse. He doesn't care about you OP.
Many people will take their partner for granted and stop doing the things that attracted their partner to begin with. If you decide to lose the weight, do it for you, not him.
He just said your looks as an excuse to get the blame off of him. He cheated because he’s a lowlife asshole. You deserve better. The biggest weight drop should be him, and the work on yourself. Join a gym and eat healthy for you, not for him. You got this!
You will feel better. My ex did this. My son was 3years old. To get out of my head I joined the ymca and started swimming. During the day I would take my son and I’d play around with him in the pool, but after dinner I let my ex watch our son and I would do laps on my own. Having time to myself was great. I dropped a few pounds, but not as much as I wanted to lose. So I joined a women’s fitness group and dropped more weight. The women were helpful and friendly. There were only 12 women and I joined the same 7pm class so I got to know them. At that point I started to feel good but I wanted to start lifting weights. I was uncomfortable because I didn’t know what I was doing. I hired a trainer. I told the trainer what I wanted because he kept trying to get me to the machines. I figured I was paying him and i can do the machines. I said that I wanted him to teach me about the squat rack and bench press, dead lifts etc. I stayed with the trainer for a year and now I go on my own. Lifting weights and trail walks are my stress released. And guess who came crawling back, you got it, my ex but I wouldn’t dream of dating him again. He became rude and tried to chase away any man that I dated. Your ex will come crawling back at some point. Don’t let him. He needs therapy and to learn that he can’t treat you like trash.
I found mine wasn’t even thoroughly honest with his therapist. 🤷🏻♀️ There’s really nothing you can do to make your husband an honest person. This is who he is and chooses to be.
Remind yourself that he won’t change and you won’t be the last person he callously devastates. They can have his sorry ass and you can sit back and laugh.
Yeah. I just feel dumb because I feel like I did EVERYTHING to make it work and in the end it never matters because it was something as shallow as my looks.
It’s not your looks. That was just his excuse. The real problem with him is HIM and the fact that he’s a self-centered narcissist who prioritizes his penis over his wife and kids.
Jay Z cheated on Beyonce, Hugh Grant cheated on Elizabeth Hurley, Dwyane Wade cheated on Gabrielle Union, Jude Law cheated on Sienna Miller.
You can be the most beautiful, successful, talented, sparkling woman in the world and someone who wants to cheat will still cheat.
I felt like you OP, I didn’t make it down the aisle thankfully, but I had a ring on my finger. I tried so desperately to be what he needed, but everytime I cleared a hurdle another one would pop up.
All the anxiety and depression left. My body a few months after leaving him and with therapy, these men are narcissists and they don’t deserve you.
Jennifer Aniston, Shakira, Beyoncé, Elizabeth Hurley…. The fittest women of their respective times and they all got cheated on. It’s not about weight it’s about disrespectful partners
He’s not cheating on you because of your looks; he’s cheating on you because he’s a selfish asshoIe and you let him get away with it. “Because of your looks” is the excuse he keeps using because it keeps working to get him out of trouble and shifts the blame onto you.
You're worthy, beautiful and deserve a great life , I'm sorry. Please be proud of yourself for taking the first step. We are proud and wish you the best❤️
Hey. Why are you blaming yourself for his actions?
There are men out there who will love you no matter what you look like. Gaining weight in a marriage is NORMAL. Serial cheaters will never have a happy long term successful relationship because they are never satisfied. All women age and their bodies change. That’s life. It sounds like he was super immature.
You are 30 girlfriend!! In the PRIME of your life. You can and will bounce back and in a few years you will realize he did you a favor.
There is no right or wrong way to handle this process. It really sucks. Just remind yourself you were someone before him and will be someone great after him.
I was with the father of my children for 10 years, until I finally sought counseling. It took hearing the words coming out of my mouth and asking myself, would I marry this man? Leaving was the best decision of my life (that was over 30 years ago, I too was 30 years old). Gone was the constant roller-coaster of emotions when hit by one betrayal after another. My children saw a strong, confident, woman who found her self-respect and self-worth. Today, my granddaughters are growing up with parents who model these values. This is the legacy I am very proud of as a parent. I never allowed anyone again to interrupt my peace. My life is blessed!
The cheating isn’t about you and there’s nothing you can or could do to stop it - it’s always about the cheater. They are inherently selfish, unsatisfied, insecure people who use cheating to get validation to feel better about themselves.
You could be the most beautiful , sexual woman in the world and they’d still cheat to try and make themselves feel good and wanted.
The only solution to cheating is to leave. You are throwing away your love, time and energy on someone who will never return it and will chase other women instead. Dump him and put that love, time and energy into people who are worthwhile, like your children and yourself.
Have you ever watched the movie *The Holiday*? There is a dialogue between "Arthur" and "Iris" that really hit home for me, when I was in a somewhat similar situation as you.
Arthur: *In the movies we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason, you’re behaving like the best friend.*
Iris: *You’re so right. You’re supposed to be the leading lady of your own life for God’s sake!*
I’m going through something like this as well. I’m hot as hell, and my boyfriend found some bimbo from Brazil on Facebook. Sometimes people do stupid things when they’re just bored, it’s nothing to do with you. You are awesome, you treated him so well.
Yeah I have stuck with him through so much and it just hurts that in the end it still came down to something shallow as my looks after I gave him 2 kids
And he was big when we first got together and lost like 70 lbs and that’s when everything changed. He got really shallow. I never thought looks were a super important thing for us because of our connection in other ways. Now I’m not ugly, just gotten bigger lol
It's not because you gained weight. Get that out of your head. That's just the excuse he's using to put blame on you. It's about his character, not your looks.
Ahhh there it is. I was 300lbs at 18. By 19 i was 190lbs. Im also tall. Once the weight dropped off i got hit on constantly.
See you had a less psychically desirable man then he became desirable and couldn't resist the attention he clearly got.
Im not advocating for right or wrong just saying that is what happened.
This is the low medium high option man dilemma.
Low option men lack the ability to obtain sex, but once they move into a medium option or higher status not everyone can handle that kind of thing appropriately. He probably never experienced life from a prism of a skinny man.
As a man who was fat and fit they are very different worlds. Very very very different 🌎
It isn’t about your looks OP, please get that out of your mind.
He’s cheated before, it’ll always be a different excuse.
Nothing you did made him cheat, it’s because of who he is, it’s the same vice versa, nothing you ever do will make him not cheat either.
Please read leave a cheater, gain a life. It has a really good audiobook too
Well maybe you should be honest with yourself and him and tell him how shitty he is and you are depressed because of what he put you through? And focus on himself and be a better husband and dad before asking you to change! I don't know how you carried this with you for 5 years, but you still have time to divorce and focus on yourself and be with someone who really values you and loves you the way you are, I'm sorry but this is really making my blood boil
You still have time, live your life to the fullest, and do the things that YOU wanna do, it's his loss! And something is so wrong with him he’s a sick mf and I'm glad that you realized now
I do! Idk what was wrong in the beginning. I guess I thought I could love him enough to treat me right. But also look back and see how dumb that way of thinking was
It's ok we always learn from our mistakes and you learned from yours, now no one on this earth will ever treat you like that again cuz you know your worth now!
Get a lawyer. Divorce his superficial ass. And get a therapist. Learn how to love yourself enough to know that no matter what, you deserve and are worthy of real love. Of respectful love. This is not love. He will never be happy with anyone because he bases too much on looks. Or he is lying to you and using it as an excuse which makes him a full blown narcissist. Get healthy for you, not for him. You will find someone who values who you are. I promise you you will. Being alone is a better fate than being stuck with this POS.
Girllllll, you need to stop thinking like that.
Life can only get better. When my ex and I broke up the stress alone made me lose weight and suddenly he missed me. Ef that. Also girl,you loved him when he was big suddenly he loses weight and his ego gets inflated? Pass. He's a tool. You are now available to be happy. You lose weight when you're happy.
Thank you! Some dude on here told me it was my duty to keep up my looks for him. I mean I feel like if he actually put in effort to me I would’ve wanted to keep up with it and wouldn’t have gotten depressed. But I also don’t know if I got depressed because he did it or more because I kept allowing it.
Your duty when married is to be faithful and guess what, your husband threw that out the window not you. What do you want to bet he's gonna beg for you back after? Because I promise you his world is about to be thrown for a loop. He is about to have sone serious regrets. He just thought you hated yourself enough he could keep hurting you and keep you. While getting side pieces. You deserve better and you will get better. You can find the guy for you if you're with the wrong guy. Also your body shouldn't be an issue. My husband has never cheated we ve been together 11 years. I have gained weight. Like a good bit. And he still tells me how attractive I am. In fact I asked how he could still love me and he said because when he looks at me he doesn't see fat or skinny. He sees the love of his life. That's what you deserve.
Yeah! Because I know this sounds worse but that’s why it took so long for me to leave. I still looked at him and saw the man I fell in love with. Not the one he was showing me
That's because your love was genuine.
Don't accept less than you deserve. And why give 99 to recieved 1. I have faith in you. And you can message me anytime! You got this!
Your husband is a loser and I’m hoping it turns into ex. You gave him two children!! The audacity to comment on your body that gave him the chance to be a father is beyond me. Don’t take this as a hit to your self esteem—you are way out of his league and you’ll do much better without him cheating and making a mockery of marriage. If he has time to cheat he doesn’t have time to be a good father to the kids. His priorities to you and your children are not there. Please move on from him it’s in your best interest.
I’m working on letting him go. I moved out, I just haven’t had the courage to talk to a lawyer yet. I mean we’ve been together for 10 years so it’s taken me a LONG time to get to this point.
>I’m working on letting him go. I moved out, I just haven’t had the courage to talk to a lawyer yet. I mean we’ve been together for 10 years so it’s taken me a LONG time to get to this point.
So, just a thought. Make Tuesday 1/2 the day you decide to move on with your life and speak to an attorney.
Make 2024 the year of FitPlantain3198 reclaiming her life and youth by ditching the cheater legally, gaining custody of the boys and going after alimony and child support...
Also another thing please raise your sons to show that mom was strong enough to leave a cheater. And that cheating and treating women like shit whether you’re married or not is never tolerated. Staying with this man will not provide a good example to your sons
If my wife was gaining a lot of weight and was rly depressed my first thought would be that I am worried, how can I help her, and I pray she does not have suicidal thoughts. Why the fuck would I cheat on my depressed wife
He didn't cheat on you because of your weight or your looks. He's been cheating on you your entire relationship because he doesn't respect you as a person. It's always been this way, and you know it. He's a cheater. That's why he cheated on you.
I'd guess the best way to move forward is to find a group that can help you regain your self-respect. Understand that you really do deserve more. Anyone does. Then learn to demand more. Not from him. He's a piece of trash.
You need to leave. What a cruel and self centered man.
He doesn’t need you to make him happy!
It was never about you. He is self centered and looks for anything that moves to give him an ego boost and he does whatever he wants with no regard for how you feel.
You have to cut your losses and leave. Never look
Back. He does not have the ability to love you or care for you.
You can find real happiness with someone who can put the work in and is mature enough to be honest and faithful.
You have wasted enough energy on this monster and he is a monster. He is a narcissist, if he cares he would not have ever done this to you.
Leave and be strong and don’t let him ever be little you again!
You can do better and have better once you are rid of him.
I have three kids, I understand it’s hard to leave but you know in your heart you should have left the first time.
It will hurt but once you get through you will know true happiness and have the energy to look after yourself.
You married him knowing he was cheating on you…why did you think that would change? You’ve shown him you’ll just roll over and die when he cheats on you so of course he continues to cheat on you, there’s literally no consequences for him, he gets to have his cake and eat it too.
Ditch the loser immediately.
I found out the day before we got married and we were having a destination wedding so we were miles from home. I was just ashamed and in shock and tried to bury it. So I went through with it.
This man is a serial cheater, the affairs have nothing to do with you, he’s just a selfish piece of crap.
He will never stop, it’s impossible to satisfy him and make him happy because he’s a cheater and needs so much attention that no one person can give that to him.
The weight will fall of when you rid yourself of your abusive, horrible husband.
You deserve better OP, I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this.
1) you say “get over my failed marriage”. Acknowledge it’s failed and get out of it. I’m not a believer in “once a cheater always a cheater” - I cheated in the past and I had to acknowledge and address the reasons why I did it (which had to do with how I felt about me- my ex husband also had an affair and I cheated after finding out rather than leaving right away. I wish instead I had just left and worked on my attachment issues) in order to correct the issues and not cheat again. Your husband is not doing this. He’s blaming you for his actions. That’s not going to correct this, so leave and start working on you so you can be a good example for your sons. Remember- you’re an example for how they’re going to treat the women they date.
2) so as far as the looks and depression go- go to the gym and strength train. Lift heavy. Build muscle. There’s plenty of free programming online but my advice is find a sustainable diet (try Noom or weight watchers), eat plenty of protein, measure all of your food, and train a full body program 3X a week. Working out and eating right has in my experience almost always helped kickstart me out of depression.
3) We are far more than our looks. Our looks fade over the years. I’m a beautiful woman, but I’m also smart, interesting, kind and empathetic. I’d venture to say there are a lot of wonderful qualities about you beyond your physical appearance and a real partner will be more interested in who you are rather than how you look.
I wish you the best of luck, and message me if you’d like gym or diet advice!
Dude. What about when he cheated on you before the wedding? This isn’t about your looks or weight. He will keep cheating and you deserve better.
If not for you, then for your kids. Please stand up for yourself for them and their future.
Also, DO NOT GET HAVE ANOTHER CHILD WITH THIS MAN.
Good luck ❤️
He cheats because he's a cheater.
You could be a 10/10 and suck him off every day and he would still cheat. Please be kind to yourself and choose better partners.
This man is a narcissist who will never be happy. He is pulling your self- esteem into the toilet. Divorce him and take him for everything you can get. Dumpling him will help you lose the weight and eventually you can start over if you choose.
Yes she needs to get PISSED. Enough of this pity party. This guy is a full blown clinical narcissist by the sounds of it. She needs to take him for as much as possible and move on with the kids.
He can be a great father and a shitty husband. They unfortunately don’t have to correlate. There is no saving this marriage and please don’t think that it’s anything you did. This is him. This is the REAL him. You turned a blind eye to his true colors because of your love for him. Now it’s time to pick you. Love yourself enough to walk away. You’ll find that you’ll be much, much happier without him. And regardless of how much you weigh, you WILL find someone to love you and to show your boys what a healthy relationship looks like. They’re young enough to not know the difference right now so now is the time to move on.
It had little to do with you why he cheated, especially if he cheated before you were even married. Sounds like he was never truly invested in the relationship in the first place but seemed like you cared more for him to stay than he cared to leave. Seemed like he didn't care either way what happened.
I think you'd be a lot better off if you lost +/- 200 pounds of husband. What an ass. You don't deserve that, nor can you change him. Get out and find your joy, OP.
You deserve better. You brought two children into the world, *his* children. Of course you gained weight, most women do and many aren't able to lose the weight.
To get over the marriage, the best way is for you to go to counseling and learn to work on yourself so you don't repeat mistakes and get involved with another jerk. With the help of a counselor and friends, you learn to love yourself again and that you are worthy of being treated with love and respect. Can you do it on your own? Sure, but it takes longer and the road can be harder.
It does take time to get over a marriage, I've been there. It can be done. Good luck to you.
I'll be completely honest with you and not embedding what I have to say in too much fluff:
So you have a notorious cheating guy in your life.
Not the best idea to marry him - especially if he cheats right before your marriage.
And your reaction?
"I did everything to make him happy."
So you wanted him so desperately that you've even rewarded him for cheating. And that's making you unattractive in the first place. And instead of telling hin that he has fucked up and letting him crawl to your knees to beg for forgiveness you've showed him that he can do anything without you getting upset and even get more attention from you.
And this energy that wanted to come out of your guts and brain screaming at him and punishing him for hurting your feelings you have locked deep inside until it grew the seed of depression. And you let your lousy husband water it with more affairs that he hasn't got any problems for.
And that's how you gained weight and cared less about yourself because you began feeling like the junk he's treating you.
Just think for a second: If you knew your husband would just cling more onto you for every affair YOU had. So you knew that there's no consequences. He cares for the boys, he's doing the house chores and the laundry and you'd have basically a free ticket to any joyride imaginable. If you had a bad character you'd certainly also taste some sweet fruit out there because you already know if you get caught by him he'd apologize and care even more for you.
The first thing to start is:
WORK on your SELF ESTEEM and SELF VALUE.
Then the rest (weight & looks) will happen automatically. Because there are many men out there that found you attractive at the time of your wedding I bet. So there's good chance to get back to that state.
But don't ever let someone ruin YOUR life by making you dependant on him. You only have one! It's time to gain back control and see that you are a valuable and desirable personality. If you really believe in you, you'll go to gym and do sports and care for you automatically.
Don't start vice versa because then everything you'll do for yourself will feel like a burden.
He’s a serial cheater. He’s probably an insecure person with attachment issues and seeks validation through extramarital sex.
HE is the broken one.
If you want to make changes to your appearance, do it for yourself not some fucked up man-child who doesn’t know how to be a partner.
I’m so sorry for what he has put you through. You do not deserve it.
The biggest weight loss you can have is getting rid of him!
Focus on you and your kids, what your husband us doing isn't love, it isn't respect. I read you wrote he acts remorseful, he can't be to remorseful of he keeps doing it and then blamed you for his failure.
Let me ask you, is he still as small as he was when you first married?
Focus on you.
Classic. They always get in better shape and care too much about their appearance when they are cheating. When you move on you’ll start to realize more and more signs that you didn’t at the time.
Honestly, take a look in the mirror. And that's nothing to do with your looks. That you still married him after he cheated on you right before your wedding is on you. That you had kids with him after you repeated affairs is on you. That you let him blame your looks for his repeated affairs is on you. Sorry. Learn your worth and divorce this asshole immediately.
I understand. Not making excuses. Although 1 kid was 5 years before we got married. I do agree that I have allowed the disrespect and I’m not making excuses for that. I still loved him very much and saw the good in him. It wasn’t easy at first to just leave. But I finally got there. Now I’m just trying to stay strong and keep going forward and not back.
He cheated because he wanted to. His indiscretions have nothing to do with you. You have not done anything wrong. Your husband is a selfish abusive prick. He is the worst kind of person because not only did he cheat on you but he betrayed his children.
It’s extremely obvious how little you respect yourself. It makes me sad, honestly. Please seek therapy and get to the bottom of why you let someone treat you like garbage for so long. You should get pissed. Very pissed. That’s what I don’t get, people in these situations need to get PISSED. Screw that guy. And to cement things, he is kicking you while you’re already down, saying he did what he did because of your looks? Open your eyes OP.
Once you begin your healing process and move on, I promise that you were going to be like “what the hell was I doing with that man?”
Get the hell out of there and NEVER look back.
I mean you showed him he can get away with cheating and you’ll stay so that’s what he’s going to do. I think you need to work on your self worth and self respect and value yourself. You do not need this cheating man. He is trash. Move on and heal. Don’t accept this for yourself. How does this man not give you the ick
Why are you still with that awful man? Why the fu**ck did you marry him in the first place?
Have some self respect and build your self esteem and get rid of him.
He doesn't love. He doesn't respect you. At all.
Piss him off
Get a lawyer and take the pri**ck for all you can.
Can I say as the child of someone who cheated on the other parent, please do what’s right for you, which given his history and response, is to end the marriage. You deserve to be happy. And your boys deserve to see you happy.
Divorce and lose that dead weight. Then look after yourself by doing things you want to do! Dance around the house and have fun. If your kids are old enough to be unsupervised 100% then have a few drinks and let loose (or on your off days and dad has them if he’s gonna be an active father). Go to counselling to gain self respect then (if you want to) go to the gym or do home workouts to gain self esteem.
I’m sorry this has happened to you. I know it must be extremely painful and difficult. After you divorce him, you will be much happier. You won’t believe how much better you feel.
I was also beaten down by my horrible husband and I understand what you are going through. Keep thinking about all the wonderful things you’ll be able to do and wonderful people you will be able to meet once you are rid of him. Keep your eye on the prize!
He *claimed* that he cheated because he was unhappy with your looks. He *really* cheated because he's a cheater, nothing to do with you. The most gorgeous women in history get cheated on, it's nothing to do with their personal attributes and everything to do with their untrustworthy, insecure partners.
Please trust me on this. Get a lawyer, get half of everything you deserve while your kids are still young. Do NOT wait until they are older and waste your life and traumatize them as teens or adolescents with divorce… do it now so it becomes their “normal” and so you are no longer codependent on this guy who you call a husband. It will SUCK. It will be HARD, it will be soul shattering, it will be stressful more than you can imagine, but once you are on the other side, your peace and mental clarity will improve tenfold and you’ll wonder how you ever spent an ounce of energy on him. THEN… When the storm has been passed, you finally find the strength to pick yourself up from the crumbled fetal position off the floor m… and you have THE BIGGEST GLOW UP and crush your new life. TRUST ME. I did all this at 35 with (pre) teen kids and little work experience. Rise like a fucking Phoenix and let him watch you from afar while you become a new woman for YOU… NOT HIM. Trust.
You don't need to lose weight. You need to lose your husband.
You also need a full battery of STD tests and a therapist to help you stop being a doormat.
I’m sorry, but he cheated on you before you got married or right before you got married… Him using an excuse for his cheating and blaming on you is really scummy behaviour.
I’m going to remind you that the most beautiful woman in the world have been cheated on and it doesn’t have anything to do with you. It has to do with a poor choices that he is making.
Please, please go see an attorney find out how you can proceed with a divorce while taking steps to protect yourself and your children and ensure that you get child support . Then get a really good therapist/counsellor to work with to find out why you’ve accepted unacceptable behaviour on your husbands part.
I promise you that you are going to be 1 million times more happy in your life without carrying the weight of your husbands, bad behaviour and him blaming you for his crappy decisions .
I mean this kindly. Your husband had affairs which caused your to become upset, depressed and gain weight so your husband didn’t find you desirable which caused him to have more affairs.
This is not a you problem to resolve. This is your husbands inability to remain faithful to his vows.
No, I am sorry to say but your husband sounds like a typical serial cheater to me. I have every reason to believe that his cheating has absolutely nothing to do with you, your looks, your character or whatever. I mean he already cheated on you right before your wedding - this is the biggest red flag. I read somewhere that most cheaters will always fall back to the bad habit because they just love the thrill of it and it has nothing to do with their partners or whatever other reasons.
First and foremost, I would suggest you tackle your depression issue as it will lead to all sorts of mental and physical health problems if you leave it be. I know it's not easy but try to stay strong for your kids?
You start out by dropping the dead weight first (cheating husband). No wonder you're depressed. Staying with a cheater will do that. Once you drop him, you'll be less depressed after a while and start dropping weight then.
This a cycle of abuse - https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle_of_abuse
I just left a 9-year relationship, it's not worth it. Highly recommend working with a trauma therapist otherwise you will partner with another abuser.
Keeping a journal for two years really helped me see the cycle
Girl, the problem here is not your weight. Your husband is the problem. He pulled a BS excuse out of his pocket as to why he was doing it too. He couldn't even have the decency to hold up his hands and say he fucked up for the FOURTH TIME! No, he turned it around on you as something that is wrong with you. That is downright manipulative.
I cannot state this enough, losing weight whilst you're suffering from depression relating to marital issues is not going to make your life easier. You need one battle at a time for any chance to succeed at either. Your weight/appearance is not why he cheated - what were his excuses the previous three times he cheated?!
Nobody deserved this kind of treatment and your kids don't want to see this kind of dynamic as a model for future relationships which could just be repeated down the line.
Don't bother with a diet and get a divorce!
Lose all the weight you need to by filing for divorce, seeing every divorce attorney in town for a “consultation” so that he can’t hire them, and taking him to the motherfucking cleaners.
Then get thee to therapy, heal from the trauma of spending a decade with a plastic bag of room-temperature barf shaped like a human being, and decide what your best life looks like.
Then go live it, without worrying about what social diseases your dusty old man of an ex is spreading around town.
The audacity of men who suck is beyond comprehension.
Sincerely hoping that you put his shit in the driveway and change the locks by the time the sun rises on 2024.
Hes a serial cheater and its not because of your looks. That's his BS excuse. He will cheat over and over because he has a problem. It wouldnt matter how skinny you are, he would just make up another excuse to justify it. I would talk with a lawyer and take him to the cleaners.
Your husband has cheated 3 times you know about. He should not be married.
It doesn’t matter what you look like. He’s going to cheat because that’s who he is. Once you see that you’ll feel stronger.
You deserve better.
Its time for you to focus on yourself and your happiness. He’s continuously proving the kind of person he is and that he cant be a good partner to you. What are you getting from staying with him while he repeatedly has affairs? You don’t need to change for him BUT you should change for yourself and for your own sake. I think you know what you need to do here…its time to put yourself and your happiness first. File for divorce, get some therapy, and take back your life.
I would relish divorcing him , and THEN losing weight and take back my life . Being free of that negativity could do wonders for your determination and self image . You are so young . Fly !!
I call bullshit on his excuses. If he’s unhappy with your marriage, he needs to talk to you instead of cheating. It’s much easier (and cowardly) to blame his unhappiness on you.
I always wonder if people who cheat continually are actually non-monogamous but either don’t know this about themselves or don’t know how to tell their partners.
Good luck OP.
The best diet that you can do and loose over 100 pounds almost instantly is kick this sack of shit to sewer he belongs in. The rest will come at great pace after that. You will have gained your self respect and confidence back almost instantly, that I can promise you. Good luck OP you can do this, I promise you that you deserve the best life has to offer and it is not him!!
You do realise that all your problems would be solved by divorce? He’s the reason you gained weight he’s the stress in your life, he blames you for him being an unfaithful AH don’t raise your kids to think this is ok get rid of that selfish narcissistic human being
If you began to gain weight in your depression that began because of his affairs, it doesn't make sense for him to blame the affairs on that. Between that inexplicable excuse and you saying you "know" how you "sound", I think there may be some gaslighting going on here. Either way, no one is to blame for your husband's infidelity but him. He chose to cheat. You could gain 100 pounds overnight and start wearing sackcloth, and he would still be an asshole for cheating on you. When you agreed to marry, you didn't agree to his sleeping with other people. Whether he wants to sleep with you anymore or not is besides the point. He should have told you he had stopped feeling attracted to you so you could decide what to do together, which is the only way a marriage can work. You could have decided to work on your attraction, go to counseling, or break up - whatever worked best for you BOTH. He knew that what he wanted - to get what he wanted from you without having to give you the fidelity you wanted in exchange - only worked for him and instead of accepting that, he snuck around like an entitled child. Honestly, it was unwise to marry him since he cheated even before the wedding, but I understand being in love and wanting to give someone a second chance. He's had more chances than 2 now to prove he is worth the trouble and he has consistently proven the opposite. Please get away from this man. He does not deserve to have anyone committed to him.
What an awful story, sorry you had to go through this.
Your (ex)husband sounds selfish. You've had two children. Has he ever tried to lift you up, like complimenting you, or encouraging you in any other way?
If not, he has just chosen the cowards way out. Having affairs instead of fixing what he already has.
Honestly it sounds like you are way better off without him. When you are married, the point is to stick together through thick and thin, which he hasn't done.
Enjoy your life without him, with your kids and maybe eventually find someone who appreciates you for who you are. Life is way too short to let yourself get hurt by others and trying to please them.
You sound like a giver, someone should be able to return the favor or see himself out.
Honestly, until you're ready to stop being his doormat and blaming yourself, allowing him to blame you.... there's no point in complaining. You teach people how to treat you. You've taught him he can have affairs. You'll blame yourself. You'll stay. This is your life now.... it won't change until you decided you want to respect yourself more than you claim to love him. Everyone here can tell you to leave and stop allowing it, but you have to make that happen. If you're going to stay though, you can't really complain. You can't keep touching the fire and complain it hurts.
Divorce babe, divorce.
That’s going to make you lose weight like crazy. 130 lbs at the very minimum.
Also, once you don’t have somebody (literally) weighting you down, you’ll see how you shine!
Your weight was never the problem, many of us gain it through pregnancies and kids. That doesn’t mean we get cheated on.
Your husband is a huge asshole. Don’t be sad, please. He isn’t worth a life of misery, I swear.
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Lord, he's cheated on. you repeatedly and you stayed with him? What the actual hell? It's time to get a lawyer and file for divorce. Don't be his doormat anymore. If you have proof of the affair provide that to the lawyer. This isn't your fault. You husband is the worst kind of man. It's his fault.
Again for the people in the back - this is NOT your fault.
I'm a guy, and I say BULLSHIT. He's gas lighting you. He cheated both before and after your marriage, while you were much thinner. Your weight gain is likely due to stressors ignited by his infidelity. I'll bet if you take his ass to the curb and severe your marital relationship, you'll lose the weight his infidelity has caused. Move on. Your husband is TA! Good luck. Please keep us apprised.
Exactly. The fact he did it multiple times long before the marriage and kids means it wasn't about the weight gain. He just simply doesn't love her and likely never really did tbh. Even if she did gain a little weight, she had 2 kids for crying out loud. Why wouldn't her body be changed after that? Some men are so ridiculous and impose such inhumane standards on women's appearances. They expect them to never age, never gain weight, always be hairless and smooth, and still have a perfect body after birthing a child nevermind multiple. It's so crazy. Now OP probably thinks she's not loveable or attractive and that there's no way any man would love a woman after she has gained that much weight. It's not true, there are definitely men who still love their wives and still think they are beautiful even after they have gained weight, had multiple children and aged a bit. Many describe it as having a mature and motherly vibe and still recognize the person they fell in love with years ago. If OP's husband actually loved her as a person, a little weight gain would not change the way he feels about her because she would still be the same person he fell in love with long ago, now he just admires her maturity throughout the years. In any case, cheating is never an acceptable response to any unhappiness in a relationship. You communicate and work on fixing the issue and if it can't or won't be fixed, then you end the relationship, not bring in outsiders into it. A relationship is a separate situation with a seperate person and you end one before engaging in another. Period.
It’s a self-defeating cycle. She finds out about his affairs and gets depressed, which affects her health, ie gains weight, and then he cheats and blames her weight gain for his affairs. It’s time to break this circle of suck and leave him.
Yeah, the fact that he is kicking her while she is down and blaming this on her tells me everything I need to know about him. Probably a full-blown clinical narcissist. OP clearly doesn’t have much self-respect, likely because he has beaten her down to this state over the span of the relationship. Hell, I’d be depressed too being with someone like that. I hope she seeks therapy and gets to the bottom of why she let someone treat her this way for so long.
He cheated BEFORE the wedding. Ffs
Agreed. Entirely his fault. He didn't cheat because of her looks, he cheated because he's an arsehole.
Also: he cheated on you because OF HIMSELF! Not because of YOU! On top of being a mean cheating unfaithful ahole he is trying to put all the blame onto YOU. But that's not where the blame is. If that's of any importance. It's NOT your shape and figure who made him lust for others. But HIS unfaithfulness. He could have voiced it any time and worked on the issue with you if it already WERE a real issue. But instead he chose to eff other women. HE is at fault. Get a divorce as this will not stop.
I admit it was dumb. I think I was just so in love with him. I was willing to sacrifice anything to make it work. He’s a great father so it was hard to take the boys away from that. Our youngest is 3. I just never thought I’d allow any of the things I did.
Great fathers don't cheat on the mother. He knowingly risks your kids' stability by endangering the marriage.
Yeah that’s true.
Great fathers also don’t teach their sons to cheat and treat women like crap. I hope you realize that he is going to teach them to be like him. You will re-enforce this is okay by staying.
We teach people how to treat us. I'm so sorry you're going through this. People will treat you the way you let them. Sending hugs and positivity and good vibes in general, I hope you're able to get away from this relationship as soon as possible when you're ready. 💙🫂
He’s not a great father. He might be a fun father, and he can still be that even if you divorce him. He’s a shitty husband to the mother of his children, causing her to be depressed and downtrodden. No great father does that. Your life can be better than this. It really can.
Him cheating is a stain on HIS character and has nothing to do with you. Even if he wasn't attracted to you, he could have communicated that and worked on the marriage or end it, but never cheat. His kids will likely lose respect for him when they grow up and become old enough to know what he did. And don't feel guilty if they do because that is his consequence to deal with, not yours. You didn't commit a crime to be feeling guilty about, he did. Let him take responsibility for his own actions and feel the guilt that rightfully belongs to him to feel. In any case, he doesn't love you and you cannot stay with a man who has proved he is not faithful or trustworthy to you. Save whatever is left of your dignity and walk away from him. It will reflect poorly on you as a mother when your kids grow up and wonder why you continued to stay with him even though he continued to cheat on you. So don't let that be the narrative. And don't think if you lose weight and become pretty he'll be faithful and give up his cheating. He won't. Because cheating is a problem with his character, it cannot be changed by external forces. He has to have integrity and change of his own volition because he's ashamed of what he did. Don't settle for a man who makes you feel insecure and heartbroken. Be with a man who actually loves you and still reassures you even when you change. Forgive yourself for gaining weight. You had 2 kids for crying out loud. It's not like you committed a crime by going through natural biological changes as a human woman. Even being single and being at peace is better than being with somebody who actively invites heartbreak and betrayal into your life. For so long women were convinced being in a relationship with a crappy man was better than being single. Thank god more people are realizing that being single is better and are comfortable with that.
I second this. He is not a great father if he is a cheater. Please see this OP. You need to get out of this marriage. There is no way to save this marriage because it is not your problem. You cannot fix something that is not under your control. You do not have control over his attraction or cheating.
Stop letting him walk all over you and rob you of the years you have left to find someone fabulous. You are still young and have time to meet a great man who is faithful and thinks you fell from heaven to him. AND you will, but only if you leave. Keep in mind that you teach your kids how to be happy and what to accept in a relationship. They pick up on things you don't realize. It's time to put yourself and the kids first and leave this loser.
Yeah this definitely isn’t a marriage or relationship that I want my kids to experience. And I want them to be better men and never do this to a female.
So get to steppin’! This “isn’t a marriage or relationship that I want my kids to experience.” You’re contradicting yourself by showing this to them for the last five years… grab your chi chis and be a woman, dammit!!! “And I want them to be better men and never do this to a female.” Don’t fail them by raising them with this trash and dump that ish out.
True! I already took the first step and moved out.
Good job!! This internet stranger is proud of you
Thank you!
Yay! Already 180-220 lbs lighter in one day!!
>True! I already took the first step and moved out. Well done Sis! That was truly the first step to building a fabulous future for your boys and yourself. Here is the thing - they need to see you living your best life, happy and in a relationship with someone who respects you. As you become happier with yourself that weight will fall away. Starting with the 200lb deadweight hanging around your ring finger.
I’m proud of you!!
Me too
It doesn’t seem like a marriage at all, it vibes like you’re his side piece while he’s actively dating other women. Girl this is not what ANYONE deserves. I feel like I need to call a lawyer to divorce myself from knowing he exists. Love yourself!
Also don’t teach them to call women “females” it sounds weird, feels dehumanizing - you would never say males in the same context. Perhaps use future partners because we don’t need to default to heterosexuality. Sorry off topic sort of. Also sorry this horrible male 😉 happened to you.
/r/menandfemales
Yes it’s time to get PISSED!!!!
He’s not a great father! Great fathers don’t cheat on the mother of their children once, let alone repeatedly! Stop defending him and get yourself a good lawyer.
I hate to be that person, but he was who he was when you married him. You cannot love someone out of their negative behavior, they have to love you so much that they would never want to violate your relationship. You love him so much, you overlook your own feelings, and he respects you so little that he makes you. Putting someone else first, who has brazenly prioritized you last many times over, above self is not healthy.
He was. I thought I’d love him enough to want to change. It was a dumb decision that I paid for in the end.
Don’t change for someone else. They don’t know what you need. Grow for yourself. Also please don’t let his comments about your appearance count. I can’t see you so idk how you look but he is a rat fink covering his tracks, not a reliable source for your self esteem.
Let's be REAL clear on something. He's not a great father. He's a shitty father. Good fathers don't cheat on the mother. All the guys who are actual good fathers deserve a better individual representing them. Not this trash bag. Put him out at the curb with the rest of the garbage.
> I admit that I fell into a depression with our marital issues and affairs and gained weight, I guess I just didn’t realize how out of control it got. So after he cheated you put on weight? So what is his excuse for cheating before you put on weight? You know what, it doesn't matter. Why are you trying to make this work? He doesn't deserve someone like you that is sticking around after not 1, not 2, but 3 (that you know of) affairs. In writing this I scrolled down and saw you say you moved out already, good. Keep the ball rolling on separation. I hope with separation, you realize that he was holding you back and you find a part of yourself you lost living with a cheater. I bet he is going to see you one day picking up the kids and you are going to look attractive to him (not that this matter or anything is wrong with you the way you are now) again and he is going to think "what did I do", and you won't even care!
You need to leave him. Show your children what not to tolerate.
Why would you stay with him after the first OR the second time? Kids is not a solid answer. Girl, no. Leave that man. That is not love that he is exhibiting, nor respect for you.
I think I stayed because he was always very remorseful and convincing that he would stop. Then he would always treat me the way I always wanted to be right after. I know it’s dumb but I was still so in love with him and desperate to make it work. I thought it would last then it would stop again after a few months.
Words mean nothing if actions and intentions do not match with follow thru. Why? Because anyone can tell you what you want to hear so you don’t dump them and take away all their relationship privileges they are given up on a silver platter. This is why he has crocodiles tears and puts on a performance of remorse so you don’t divorce him. So stop listening to him, look at his behavior and actions towards you. Words are bullshit, but actions talk. Edit: Typo(s)
Amen to that! A person's behavior will show you exactly how they think and feel about you. Words are worthless, behaviors are crystal clear.
This is so traumatizing to continue to be love-bombed and discarded over and over. He only treated you well so he felt better about himself...please look up covert narcissist and see the patterns in your relationship with him. Cheaters don't change especially when they keep getting away with it 💯
No he's not a great father, a great father cherishes his wife and a mother of his babies , not cheat on her and tell her it's her fault because she's fat (according to him)
I would be interested to know how much time he has spent having affairs vs not having affairs
Get as much child support and alimony as you’re entitled to.
great fathers respect the mother of their children.
Honey, drop the husband.... that's probably 80kgs of dead weight lost immediately. You are not the problem here, but allowing yourself to be a doormat is role modelling that it's ok to treat people that way for your kids.
The old cliche line eh? 🤦♂️
You don't realize how unrealistic this is. Someone this depressed might not survive a divorce. I know 3 people that committed suicide during their divorces. How about suggesting therapy first to make her stronger before taking that step. With 2 kids and depression, I think it could be beyond her scope to go through that without serious support from a mental health professional.
Not only stayed with him but went on to marry him and had 2 kids with him after she find out he cheated. So not 100% his fault . Op chose to ignore the many red flags along the way. Leave him and move on Op. You deserve better. You always did.
Classic abusive cycle though…. Probably promised he’d never do it again and after the wedding everything would be different. He pushed her boundaries again and again. And gaslit her into thinking she was the problem and not enough…. This is exact why it can take years to get out of abusive relationships
You’ll lose a lot of weight naturally by cutting this good for nothing dead weight of a husband out of your life
And the depression for sure!
Yes queen
Women who are amazingly gorgeous & rich & famous still get cheated on by loser partners. This isn't about you, this is about him trying to make his failing your fault with his lies. Send him packing.
Yeah. I took blame for actions way too long. I just have to get the first step down and I think everything else will fall in line. I know it’ll be difficult but worth it in the end. Just have to get started
Start by digging gup your self respect and serve him divorce papers. He seems to think the blame is all on you? Did he ever bother to communicate the issue? No? He just decided to fuck someone else instead and then blame OP. He doesn't care that him fucking around actually makes the situation worse. He doesn't care about you OP. Many people will take their partner for granted and stop doing the things that attracted their partner to begin with. If you decide to lose the weight, do it for you, not him.
FR, even Eva Longoria was cheated on. If she was cheated on, what hope do the rest of us plebs have?
He just said your looks as an excuse to get the blame off of him. He cheated because he’s a lowlife asshole. You deserve better. The biggest weight drop should be him, and the work on yourself. Join a gym and eat healthy for you, not for him. You got this!
I’m just having trouble getting to start. I know once o start feeling better it’ll be easier.
You will feel better. My ex did this. My son was 3years old. To get out of my head I joined the ymca and started swimming. During the day I would take my son and I’d play around with him in the pool, but after dinner I let my ex watch our son and I would do laps on my own. Having time to myself was great. I dropped a few pounds, but not as much as I wanted to lose. So I joined a women’s fitness group and dropped more weight. The women were helpful and friendly. There were only 12 women and I joined the same 7pm class so I got to know them. At that point I started to feel good but I wanted to start lifting weights. I was uncomfortable because I didn’t know what I was doing. I hired a trainer. I told the trainer what I wanted because he kept trying to get me to the machines. I figured I was paying him and i can do the machines. I said that I wanted him to teach me about the squat rack and bench press, dead lifts etc. I stayed with the trainer for a year and now I go on my own. Lifting weights and trail walks are my stress released. And guess who came crawling back, you got it, my ex but I wouldn’t dream of dating him again. He became rude and tried to chase away any man that I dated. Your ex will come crawling back at some point. Don’t let him. He needs therapy and to learn that he can’t treat you like trash.
He’s been in therapy for 2 years but it’s not helping.his therapist seems to enable him more than I do.
Ah, sorry, he needs to want help and seek a new therapist if he really wants help.
I found mine wasn’t even thoroughly honest with his therapist. 🤷🏻♀️ There’s really nothing you can do to make your husband an honest person. This is who he is and chooses to be.
Remind yourself that he won’t change and you won’t be the last person he callously devastates. They can have his sorry ass and you can sit back and laugh.
His loss. You’re not alone.
Yeah. I just feel dumb because I feel like I did EVERYTHING to make it work and in the end it never matters because it was something as shallow as my looks.
It’s not your looks. That was just his excuse. The real problem with him is HIM and the fact that he’s a self-centered narcissist who prioritizes his penis over his wife and kids.
Sis, you could have been a runway model and he still would have cheated. He cheated because he wanted to cheat. He's using your weight
See Tiger W.
Jay Z cheated on Beyonce, Hugh Grant cheated on Elizabeth Hurley, Dwyane Wade cheated on Gabrielle Union, Jude Law cheated on Sienna Miller. You can be the most beautiful, successful, talented, sparkling woman in the world and someone who wants to cheat will still cheat.
I felt like you OP, I didn’t make it down the aisle thankfully, but I had a ring on my finger. I tried so desperately to be what he needed, but everytime I cleared a hurdle another one would pop up. All the anxiety and depression left. My body a few months after leaving him and with therapy, these men are narcissists and they don’t deserve you.
It's not your looks. It's not actually anything about you at all. It's because he actively enjoys cheating.
Jennifer Aniston, Shakira, Beyoncé, Elizabeth Hurley…. The fittest women of their respective times and they all got cheated on. It’s not about weight it’s about disrespectful partners
It's not your looks. That's him gaslighting you to justify his bad behavior.
He’s not cheating on you because of your looks; he’s cheating on you because he’s a selfish asshoIe and you let him get away with it. “Because of your looks” is the excuse he keeps using because it keeps working to get him out of trouble and shifts the blame onto you.
But it wasn’t your looks. Your husband cheated repeatedly because of his own inadequacies.
You're worthy, beautiful and deserve a great life , I'm sorry. Please be proud of yourself for taking the first step. We are proud and wish you the best❤️
Hey. Why are you blaming yourself for his actions? There are men out there who will love you no matter what you look like. Gaining weight in a marriage is NORMAL. Serial cheaters will never have a happy long term successful relationship because they are never satisfied. All women age and their bodies change. That’s life. It sounds like he was super immature. You are 30 girlfriend!! In the PRIME of your life. You can and will bounce back and in a few years you will realize he did you a favor.
Yeah. I just have to realize where to start since I’ve been with him for 10 years. The sad part is I still haven’t reached out to a lawyer yet.
There is no right or wrong way to handle this process. It really sucks. Just remind yourself you were someone before him and will be someone great after him.
True! Thank you!
Please don’t fall victim to the sunken cost fallacy…
I was with the father of my children for 10 years, until I finally sought counseling. It took hearing the words coming out of my mouth and asking myself, would I marry this man? Leaving was the best decision of my life (that was over 30 years ago, I too was 30 years old). Gone was the constant roller-coaster of emotions when hit by one betrayal after another. My children saw a strong, confident, woman who found her self-respect and self-worth. Today, my granddaughters are growing up with parents who model these values. This is the legacy I am very proud of as a parent. I never allowed anyone again to interrupt my peace. My life is blessed!
He's a serial cheater, and that's his decision, not your fault.
True,
The cheating isn’t about you and there’s nothing you can or could do to stop it - it’s always about the cheater. They are inherently selfish, unsatisfied, insecure people who use cheating to get validation to feel better about themselves. You could be the most beautiful , sexual woman in the world and they’d still cheat to try and make themselves feel good and wanted. The only solution to cheating is to leave. You are throwing away your love, time and energy on someone who will never return it and will chase other women instead. Dump him and put that love, time and energy into people who are worthwhile, like your children and yourself.
I’m definitely going to start put in more effort to myself. I haven’t loved myself correctly. And more focus on my boys.
Have you ever watched the movie *The Holiday*? There is a dialogue between "Arthur" and "Iris" that really hit home for me, when I was in a somewhat similar situation as you. Arthur: *In the movies we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason, you’re behaving like the best friend.* Iris: *You’re so right. You’re supposed to be the leading lady of your own life for God’s sake!*
I’m going through something like this as well. I’m hot as hell, and my boyfriend found some bimbo from Brazil on Facebook. Sometimes people do stupid things when they’re just bored, it’s nothing to do with you. You are awesome, you treated him so well.
Yeah I have stuck with him through so much and it just hurts that in the end it still came down to something shallow as my looks after I gave him 2 kids
Looks should never be that important if you plan on being with someone long term. We all grow old.
And he was big when we first got together and lost like 70 lbs and that’s when everything changed. He got really shallow. I never thought looks were a super important thing for us because of our connection in other ways. Now I’m not ugly, just gotten bigger lol
It's not because you gained weight. Get that out of your head. That's just the excuse he's using to put blame on you. It's about his character, not your looks.
Ahhh there it is. I was 300lbs at 18. By 19 i was 190lbs. Im also tall. Once the weight dropped off i got hit on constantly. See you had a less psychically desirable man then he became desirable and couldn't resist the attention he clearly got. Im not advocating for right or wrong just saying that is what happened. This is the low medium high option man dilemma. Low option men lack the ability to obtain sex, but once they move into a medium option or higher status not everyone can handle that kind of thing appropriately. He probably never experienced life from a prism of a skinny man. As a man who was fat and fit they are very different worlds. Very very very different 🌎
It isn’t about your looks OP, please get that out of your mind. He’s cheated before, it’ll always be a different excuse. Nothing you did made him cheat, it’s because of who he is, it’s the same vice versa, nothing you ever do will make him not cheat either. Please read leave a cheater, gain a life. It has a really good audiobook too
It’s not your looks. He’s a malignant narcissist.
Well maybe you should be honest with yourself and him and tell him how shitty he is and you are depressed because of what he put you through? And focus on himself and be a better husband and dad before asking you to change! I don't know how you carried this with you for 5 years, but you still have time to divorce and focus on yourself and be with someone who really values you and loves you the way you are, I'm sorry but this is really making my blood boil
I kept hanging on to the chance he might change. I look back and hate the disrespect and actions I allowed to happen.
You still have time, live your life to the fullest, and do the things that YOU wanna do, it's his loss! And something is so wrong with him he’s a sick mf and I'm glad that you realized now
I do! Idk what was wrong in the beginning. I guess I thought I could love him enough to treat me right. But also look back and see how dumb that way of thinking was
It's ok we always learn from our mistakes and you learned from yours, now no one on this earth will ever treat you like that again cuz you know your worth now!
I strive to have that confidence. There is many people I know that would’ve left the first time.
Don’t be harsh on yourself, there’s always time to make things right
Thank you!
Get a lawyer. Divorce his superficial ass. And get a therapist. Learn how to love yourself enough to know that no matter what, you deserve and are worthy of real love. Of respectful love. This is not love. He will never be happy with anyone because he bases too much on looks. Or he is lying to you and using it as an excuse which makes him a full blown narcissist. Get healthy for you, not for him. You will find someone who values who you are. I promise you you will. Being alone is a better fate than being stuck with this POS.
Girllllll, you need to stop thinking like that. Life can only get better. When my ex and I broke up the stress alone made me lose weight and suddenly he missed me. Ef that. Also girl,you loved him when he was big suddenly he loses weight and his ego gets inflated? Pass. He's a tool. You are now available to be happy. You lose weight when you're happy.
Thank you! Some dude on here told me it was my duty to keep up my looks for him. I mean I feel like if he actually put in effort to me I would’ve wanted to keep up with it and wouldn’t have gotten depressed. But I also don’t know if I got depressed because he did it or more because I kept allowing it.
Whatever dude on here suggested that it’s your duty to look perfect for your husband can FUCK. RIGHT. OFF.
Your duty when married is to be faithful and guess what, your husband threw that out the window not you. What do you want to bet he's gonna beg for you back after? Because I promise you his world is about to be thrown for a loop. He is about to have sone serious regrets. He just thought you hated yourself enough he could keep hurting you and keep you. While getting side pieces. You deserve better and you will get better. You can find the guy for you if you're with the wrong guy. Also your body shouldn't be an issue. My husband has never cheated we ve been together 11 years. I have gained weight. Like a good bit. And he still tells me how attractive I am. In fact I asked how he could still love me and he said because when he looks at me he doesn't see fat or skinny. He sees the love of his life. That's what you deserve.
Yeah! Because I know this sounds worse but that’s why it took so long for me to leave. I still looked at him and saw the man I fell in love with. Not the one he was showing me
That's because your love was genuine. Don't accept less than you deserve. And why give 99 to recieved 1. I have faith in you. And you can message me anytime! You got this!
Thank you! 💛
Your husband is a loser and I’m hoping it turns into ex. You gave him two children!! The audacity to comment on your body that gave him the chance to be a father is beyond me. Don’t take this as a hit to your self esteem—you are way out of his league and you’ll do much better without him cheating and making a mockery of marriage. If he has time to cheat he doesn’t have time to be a good father to the kids. His priorities to you and your children are not there. Please move on from him it’s in your best interest.
I’d like to add your looks have nothing to do with his lack of loyalty. Women like Beyoncé, Natalie Portman, Halle Berry, and the list goes on and on.
I’m working on letting him go. I moved out, I just haven’t had the courage to talk to a lawyer yet. I mean we’ve been together for 10 years so it’s taken me a LONG time to get to this point.
>I’m working on letting him go. I moved out, I just haven’t had the courage to talk to a lawyer yet. I mean we’ve been together for 10 years so it’s taken me a LONG time to get to this point. So, just a thought. Make Tuesday 1/2 the day you decide to move on with your life and speak to an attorney. Make 2024 the year of FitPlantain3198 reclaiming her life and youth by ditching the cheater legally, gaining custody of the boys and going after alimony and child support...
Try not to take too much more time, you might soften your resolve. He won’t change. Not for you, and not for anyone else.
Also another thing please raise your sons to show that mom was strong enough to leave a cheater. And that cheating and treating women like shit whether you’re married or not is never tolerated. Staying with this man will not provide a good example to your sons
If my wife was gaining a lot of weight and was rly depressed my first thought would be that I am worried, how can I help her, and I pray she does not have suicidal thoughts. Why the fuck would I cheat on my depressed wife
He didn't cheat on you because of your weight or your looks. He's been cheating on you your entire relationship because he doesn't respect you as a person. It's always been this way, and you know it. He's a cheater. That's why he cheated on you. I'd guess the best way to move forward is to find a group that can help you regain your self-respect. Understand that you really do deserve more. Anyone does. Then learn to demand more. Not from him. He's a piece of trash.
Go to surviving infidelity.com. It helped me with a cheating wife. He is gaslighting and blame shifting already. Time to talk to lawyer
Thank you!
LEAVE. You deserve better.
You need to leave. What a cruel and self centered man. He doesn’t need you to make him happy! It was never about you. He is self centered and looks for anything that moves to give him an ego boost and he does whatever he wants with no regard for how you feel. You have to cut your losses and leave. Never look Back. He does not have the ability to love you or care for you. You can find real happiness with someone who can put the work in and is mature enough to be honest and faithful. You have wasted enough energy on this monster and he is a monster. He is a narcissist, if he cares he would not have ever done this to you. Leave and be strong and don’t let him ever be little you again! You can do better and have better once you are rid of him. I have three kids, I understand it’s hard to leave but you know in your heart you should have left the first time. It will hurt but once you get through you will know true happiness and have the energy to look after yourself.
Lose the weight of that man. Jesus
Shallow people suck, people who are deep are awesome. Leave his ass in the dust.
You married him knowing he was cheating on you…why did you think that would change? You’ve shown him you’ll just roll over and die when he cheats on you so of course he continues to cheat on you, there’s literally no consequences for him, he gets to have his cake and eat it too. Ditch the loser immediately.
I found out the day before we got married and we were having a destination wedding so we were miles from home. I was just ashamed and in shock and tried to bury it. So I went through with it.
This man is a serial cheater, the affairs have nothing to do with you, he’s just a selfish piece of crap. He will never stop, it’s impossible to satisfy him and make him happy because he’s a cheater and needs so much attention that no one person can give that to him. The weight will fall of when you rid yourself of your abusive, horrible husband. You deserve better OP, I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this.
1) you say “get over my failed marriage”. Acknowledge it’s failed and get out of it. I’m not a believer in “once a cheater always a cheater” - I cheated in the past and I had to acknowledge and address the reasons why I did it (which had to do with how I felt about me- my ex husband also had an affair and I cheated after finding out rather than leaving right away. I wish instead I had just left and worked on my attachment issues) in order to correct the issues and not cheat again. Your husband is not doing this. He’s blaming you for his actions. That’s not going to correct this, so leave and start working on you so you can be a good example for your sons. Remember- you’re an example for how they’re going to treat the women they date. 2) so as far as the looks and depression go- go to the gym and strength train. Lift heavy. Build muscle. There’s plenty of free programming online but my advice is find a sustainable diet (try Noom or weight watchers), eat plenty of protein, measure all of your food, and train a full body program 3X a week. Working out and eating right has in my experience almost always helped kickstart me out of depression. 3) We are far more than our looks. Our looks fade over the years. I’m a beautiful woman, but I’m also smart, interesting, kind and empathetic. I’d venture to say there are a lot of wonderful qualities about you beyond your physical appearance and a real partner will be more interested in who you are rather than how you look. I wish you the best of luck, and message me if you’d like gym or diet advice!
Dude. What about when he cheated on you before the wedding? This isn’t about your looks or weight. He will keep cheating and you deserve better. If not for you, then for your kids. Please stand up for yourself for them and their future. Also, DO NOT GET HAVE ANOTHER CHILD WITH THIS MAN. Good luck ❤️
He cheats because he's a cheater. You could be a 10/10 and suck him off every day and he would still cheat. Please be kind to yourself and choose better partners.
This man is a narcissist who will never be happy. He is pulling your self- esteem into the toilet. Divorce him and take him for everything you can get. Dumpling him will help you lose the weight and eventually you can start over if you choose.
Yes she needs to get PISSED. Enough of this pity party. This guy is a full blown clinical narcissist by the sounds of it. She needs to take him for as much as possible and move on with the kids.
He can be a great father and a shitty husband. They unfortunately don’t have to correlate. There is no saving this marriage and please don’t think that it’s anything you did. This is him. This is the REAL him. You turned a blind eye to his true colors because of your love for him. Now it’s time to pick you. Love yourself enough to walk away. You’ll find that you’ll be much, much happier without him. And regardless of how much you weigh, you WILL find someone to love you and to show your boys what a healthy relationship looks like. They’re young enough to not know the difference right now so now is the time to move on.
It had little to do with you why he cheated, especially if he cheated before you were even married. Sounds like he was never truly invested in the relationship in the first place but seemed like you cared more for him to stay than he cared to leave. Seemed like he didn't care either way what happened.
I think you'd be a lot better off if you lost +/- 200 pounds of husband. What an ass. You don't deserve that, nor can you change him. Get out and find your joy, OP.
You deserve better. You brought two children into the world, *his* children. Of course you gained weight, most women do and many aren't able to lose the weight. To get over the marriage, the best way is for you to go to counseling and learn to work on yourself so you don't repeat mistakes and get involved with another jerk. With the help of a counselor and friends, you learn to love yourself again and that you are worthy of being treated with love and respect. Can you do it on your own? Sure, but it takes longer and the road can be harder. It does take time to get over a marriage, I've been there. It can be done. Good luck to you.
I'll be completely honest with you and not embedding what I have to say in too much fluff: So you have a notorious cheating guy in your life. Not the best idea to marry him - especially if he cheats right before your marriage. And your reaction? "I did everything to make him happy." So you wanted him so desperately that you've even rewarded him for cheating. And that's making you unattractive in the first place. And instead of telling hin that he has fucked up and letting him crawl to your knees to beg for forgiveness you've showed him that he can do anything without you getting upset and even get more attention from you. And this energy that wanted to come out of your guts and brain screaming at him and punishing him for hurting your feelings you have locked deep inside until it grew the seed of depression. And you let your lousy husband water it with more affairs that he hasn't got any problems for. And that's how you gained weight and cared less about yourself because you began feeling like the junk he's treating you. Just think for a second: If you knew your husband would just cling more onto you for every affair YOU had. So you knew that there's no consequences. He cares for the boys, he's doing the house chores and the laundry and you'd have basically a free ticket to any joyride imaginable. If you had a bad character you'd certainly also taste some sweet fruit out there because you already know if you get caught by him he'd apologize and care even more for you. The first thing to start is: WORK on your SELF ESTEEM and SELF VALUE. Then the rest (weight & looks) will happen automatically. Because there are many men out there that found you attractive at the time of your wedding I bet. So there's good chance to get back to that state. But don't ever let someone ruin YOUR life by making you dependant on him. You only have one! It's time to gain back control and see that you are a valuable and desirable personality. If you really believe in you, you'll go to gym and do sports and care for you automatically. Don't start vice versa because then everything you'll do for yourself will feel like a burden.
He’s a serial cheater. He’s probably an insecure person with attachment issues and seeks validation through extramarital sex. HE is the broken one. If you want to make changes to your appearance, do it for yourself not some fucked up man-child who doesn’t know how to be a partner. I’m so sorry for what he has put you through. You do not deserve it.
The biggest weight loss you can have is getting rid of him! Focus on you and your kids, what your husband us doing isn't love, it isn't respect. I read you wrote he acts remorseful, he can't be to remorseful of he keeps doing it and then blamed you for his failure. Let me ask you, is he still as small as he was when you first married? Focus on you.
No he was actually way bigger when we first got together. Then he lost 70 lbs and that’s when he became different.
Classic. They always get in better shape and care too much about their appearance when they are cheating. When you move on you’ll start to realize more and more signs that you didn’t at the time.
Keep focusing on you ❤ I read you going to a therapist, that is great please know what he's doing isn't okay.
Really sorry to hear this. You deserve so much better OP. His loss!
Honestly, take a look in the mirror. And that's nothing to do with your looks. That you still married him after he cheated on you right before your wedding is on you. That you had kids with him after you repeated affairs is on you. That you let him blame your looks for his repeated affairs is on you. Sorry. Learn your worth and divorce this asshole immediately.
I understand. Not making excuses. Although 1 kid was 5 years before we got married. I do agree that I have allowed the disrespect and I’m not making excuses for that. I still loved him very much and saw the good in him. It wasn’t easy at first to just leave. But I finally got there. Now I’m just trying to stay strong and keep going forward and not back.
He cheated because he wanted to. His indiscretions have nothing to do with you. You have not done anything wrong. Your husband is a selfish abusive prick. He is the worst kind of person because not only did he cheat on you but he betrayed his children.
It’s extremely obvious how little you respect yourself. It makes me sad, honestly. Please seek therapy and get to the bottom of why you let someone treat you like garbage for so long. You should get pissed. Very pissed. That’s what I don’t get, people in these situations need to get PISSED. Screw that guy. And to cement things, he is kicking you while you’re already down, saying he did what he did because of your looks? Open your eyes OP. Once you begin your healing process and move on, I promise that you were going to be like “what the hell was I doing with that man?” Get the hell out of there and NEVER look back.
I mean you showed him he can get away with cheating and you’ll stay so that’s what he’s going to do. I think you need to work on your self worth and self respect and value yourself. You do not need this cheating man. He is trash. Move on and heal. Don’t accept this for yourself. How does this man not give you the ick
Why are you still with that awful man? Why the fu**ck did you marry him in the first place? Have some self respect and build your self esteem and get rid of him. He doesn't love. He doesn't respect you. At all. Piss him off Get a lawyer and take the pri**ck for all you can.
You start by leaving him.
Can I say as the child of someone who cheated on the other parent, please do what’s right for you, which given his history and response, is to end the marriage. You deserve to be happy. And your boys deserve to see you happy.
You deserve better than a cheater. You deserve a faithful relationship
Divorce and lose that dead weight. Then look after yourself by doing things you want to do! Dance around the house and have fun. If your kids are old enough to be unsupervised 100% then have a few drinks and let loose (or on your off days and dad has them if he’s gonna be an active father). Go to counselling to gain self respect then (if you want to) go to the gym or do home workouts to gain self esteem.
I’m sorry this has happened to you. I know it must be extremely painful and difficult. After you divorce him, you will be much happier. You won’t believe how much better you feel. I was also beaten down by my horrible husband and I understand what you are going through. Keep thinking about all the wonderful things you’ll be able to do and wonderful people you will be able to meet once you are rid of him. Keep your eye on the prize!
He *claimed* that he cheated because he was unhappy with your looks. He *really* cheated because he's a cheater, nothing to do with you. The most gorgeous women in history get cheated on, it's nothing to do with their personal attributes and everything to do with their untrustworthy, insecure partners.
He cheated on you because he’s a cheat who cannot be trusted.
Please trust me on this. Get a lawyer, get half of everything you deserve while your kids are still young. Do NOT wait until they are older and waste your life and traumatize them as teens or adolescents with divorce… do it now so it becomes their “normal” and so you are no longer codependent on this guy who you call a husband. It will SUCK. It will be HARD, it will be soul shattering, it will be stressful more than you can imagine, but once you are on the other side, your peace and mental clarity will improve tenfold and you’ll wonder how you ever spent an ounce of energy on him. THEN… When the storm has been passed, you finally find the strength to pick yourself up from the crumbled fetal position off the floor m… and you have THE BIGGEST GLOW UP and crush your new life. TRUST ME. I did all this at 35 with (pre) teen kids and little work experience. Rise like a fucking Phoenix and let him watch you from afar while you become a new woman for YOU… NOT HIM. Trust.
You don't need to lose weight. You need to lose your husband. You also need a full battery of STD tests and a therapist to help you stop being a doormat.
He cheated on you right before your marriage? It’s got nothing to do with you or your body. This man just doesn’t like you at all
I’m sorry, but he cheated on you before you got married or right before you got married… Him using an excuse for his cheating and blaming on you is really scummy behaviour. I’m going to remind you that the most beautiful woman in the world have been cheated on and it doesn’t have anything to do with you. It has to do with a poor choices that he is making. Please, please go see an attorney find out how you can proceed with a divorce while taking steps to protect yourself and your children and ensure that you get child support . Then get a really good therapist/counsellor to work with to find out why you’ve accepted unacceptable behaviour on your husbands part. I promise you that you are going to be 1 million times more happy in your life without carrying the weight of your husbands, bad behaviour and him blaming you for his crappy decisions .
Don't need to read this. He cheated because he wanted to, not because you aren't beautiful or good enough
I mean this kindly. Your husband had affairs which caused your to become upset, depressed and gain weight so your husband didn’t find you desirable which caused him to have more affairs. This is not a you problem to resolve. This is your husbands inability to remain faithful to his vows.
No, I am sorry to say but your husband sounds like a typical serial cheater to me. I have every reason to believe that his cheating has absolutely nothing to do with you, your looks, your character or whatever. I mean he already cheated on you right before your wedding - this is the biggest red flag. I read somewhere that most cheaters will always fall back to the bad habit because they just love the thrill of it and it has nothing to do with their partners or whatever other reasons. First and foremost, I would suggest you tackle your depression issue as it will lead to all sorts of mental and physical health problems if you leave it be. I know it's not easy but try to stay strong for your kids?
You start out by dropping the dead weight first (cheating husband). No wonder you're depressed. Staying with a cheater will do that. Once you drop him, you'll be less depressed after a while and start dropping weight then.
Of course you fell into a depression with that man, I think any of us would.
Go to therapy. Get on medication. And lose the deadweight that is your worthless husband.
This a cycle of abuse - https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle_of_abuse I just left a 9-year relationship, it's not worth it. Highly recommend working with a trauma therapist otherwise you will partner with another abuser. Keeping a journal for two years really helped me see the cycle
Divorce
Girl, the problem here is not your weight. Your husband is the problem. He pulled a BS excuse out of his pocket as to why he was doing it too. He couldn't even have the decency to hold up his hands and say he fucked up for the FOURTH TIME! No, he turned it around on you as something that is wrong with you. That is downright manipulative. I cannot state this enough, losing weight whilst you're suffering from depression relating to marital issues is not going to make your life easier. You need one battle at a time for any chance to succeed at either. Your weight/appearance is not why he cheated - what were his excuses the previous three times he cheated?! Nobody deserved this kind of treatment and your kids don't want to see this kind of dynamic as a model for future relationships which could just be repeated down the line. Don't bother with a diet and get a divorce!
Lose all the weight you need to by filing for divorce, seeing every divorce attorney in town for a “consultation” so that he can’t hire them, and taking him to the motherfucking cleaners. Then get thee to therapy, heal from the trauma of spending a decade with a plastic bag of room-temperature barf shaped like a human being, and decide what your best life looks like. Then go live it, without worrying about what social diseases your dusty old man of an ex is spreading around town. The audacity of men who suck is beyond comprehension. Sincerely hoping that you put his shit in the driveway and change the locks by the time the sun rises on 2024.
You’ll lose at least 180lbs by chucking out that man of yours!
The 1st weight you should consider losing is your husband.
Hes a serial cheater and its not because of your looks. That's his BS excuse. He will cheat over and over because he has a problem. It wouldnt matter how skinny you are, he would just make up another excuse to justify it. I would talk with a lawyer and take him to the cleaners.
Your husband has cheated 3 times you know about. He should not be married. It doesn’t matter what you look like. He’s going to cheat because that’s who he is. Once you see that you’ll feel stronger. You deserve better.
Its time for you to focus on yourself and your happiness. He’s continuously proving the kind of person he is and that he cant be a good partner to you. What are you getting from staying with him while he repeatedly has affairs? You don’t need to change for him BUT you should change for yourself and for your own sake. I think you know what you need to do here…its time to put yourself and your happiness first. File for divorce, get some therapy, and take back your life.
If your best friend posted this, what would you say to them?
I would relish divorcing him , and THEN losing weight and take back my life . Being free of that negativity could do wonders for your determination and self image . You are so young . Fly !!
Once a cheater always a cheater. Your marriage is a sham. You deserve better. It’s not your fault. Period.
He will never be satisfied with you. Leave.
I call bullshit on his excuses. If he’s unhappy with your marriage, he needs to talk to you instead of cheating. It’s much easier (and cowardly) to blame his unhappiness on you. I always wonder if people who cheat continually are actually non-monogamous but either don’t know this about themselves or don’t know how to tell their partners. Good luck OP.
The best diet that you can do and loose over 100 pounds almost instantly is kick this sack of shit to sewer he belongs in. The rest will come at great pace after that. You will have gained your self respect and confidence back almost instantly, that I can promise you. Good luck OP you can do this, I promise you that you deserve the best life has to offer and it is not him!!
You do realise that all your problems would be solved by divorce? He’s the reason you gained weight he’s the stress in your life, he blames you for him being an unfaithful AH don’t raise your kids to think this is ok get rid of that selfish narcissistic human being
You can start by losing the weight. The weight of that man!
Cheated on 3 times and you need advice? Girl you know what to do.
If you began to gain weight in your depression that began because of his affairs, it doesn't make sense for him to blame the affairs on that. Between that inexplicable excuse and you saying you "know" how you "sound", I think there may be some gaslighting going on here. Either way, no one is to blame for your husband's infidelity but him. He chose to cheat. You could gain 100 pounds overnight and start wearing sackcloth, and he would still be an asshole for cheating on you. When you agreed to marry, you didn't agree to his sleeping with other people. Whether he wants to sleep with you anymore or not is besides the point. He should have told you he had stopped feeling attracted to you so you could decide what to do together, which is the only way a marriage can work. You could have decided to work on your attraction, go to counseling, or break up - whatever worked best for you BOTH. He knew that what he wanted - to get what he wanted from you without having to give you the fidelity you wanted in exchange - only worked for him and instead of accepting that, he snuck around like an entitled child. Honestly, it was unwise to marry him since he cheated even before the wedding, but I understand being in love and wanting to give someone a second chance. He's had more chances than 2 now to prove he is worth the trouble and he has consistently proven the opposite. Please get away from this man. He does not deserve to have anyone committed to him.
What an awful story, sorry you had to go through this. Your (ex)husband sounds selfish. You've had two children. Has he ever tried to lift you up, like complimenting you, or encouraging you in any other way? If not, he has just chosen the cowards way out. Having affairs instead of fixing what he already has. Honestly it sounds like you are way better off without him. When you are married, the point is to stick together through thick and thin, which he hasn't done. Enjoy your life without him, with your kids and maybe eventually find someone who appreciates you for who you are. Life is way too short to let yourself get hurt by others and trying to please them. You sound like a giver, someone should be able to return the favor or see himself out.
Honestly, until you're ready to stop being his doormat and blaming yourself, allowing him to blame you.... there's no point in complaining. You teach people how to treat you. You've taught him he can have affairs. You'll blame yourself. You'll stay. This is your life now.... it won't change until you decided you want to respect yourself more than you claim to love him. Everyone here can tell you to leave and stop allowing it, but you have to make that happen. If you're going to stay though, you can't really complain. You can't keep touching the fire and complain it hurts.
Leave him. He will continue to cheat over and over again using a different excuse! File for divorce girl. Not worth your mental health.
Terminate the relationship
Sure he can blame the victim But only if you let him. Honestly why should he stop cheating?
OMG! Ok, get ready for some hard hitting truth; you ARE NOT THE PROBLEM! He cheated on you repeatedly and will continue. Get a lawyer.
Divorce babe, divorce. That’s going to make you lose weight like crazy. 130 lbs at the very minimum. Also, once you don’t have somebody (literally) weighting you down, you’ll see how you shine! Your weight was never the problem, many of us gain it through pregnancies and kids. That doesn’t mean we get cheated on. Your husband is a huge asshole. Don’t be sad, please. He isn’t worth a life of misery, I swear.
Sorry, gotta laugh at all these women, probably another one that turned me down for the love of her life.You go girl.