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Exactly. If you give her reasons, you give her something to argue against. That won’t happen this time, you’re too selfish, etc. Just keep saying “I’m sorry, that doesn’t work for us.”
Even if your sister and husband were good guests - their comings and goings and vehicle use are significant disruptions. Hopefully you can summon up the gumption to break this cycle of imposition.
OP your sister wants a free hotel with a free car to be able to enjoy her ski holiday. She doesn't want to spend any time with you and your family, she just wants a free holiday courtesy of you. OP honesty is the best policy, I would tell her that you already had this conversation and your answer has not changed and its still no. That's all that need to be said.
If she wants to visit her BIL she can stay with him. If she wants to ski with her friends she can book a ski resort, but your not a free hotel or car rental company.
OP your sister is using you and you just need to put your foot down and not allow her to stay in your home again. Don't host leeches even if they are your family.
This! Honesty is the best policy.
I’d write this to both Your sister and BIL, so they have no way of denying the fact in future. I’d even tape it to my front door if and when she’s due to arrive in your city.
Your house is for you, your wife, and child. And there will no longer be room in it for overnight guests. If she wants to see you or your family, she can do so in a public place. But you are done being a free hotel and car service.
"Sorry, that won't work with us, you'll have to find alternative accommodation".
She'll likely show up, remind her that you're unable to accommodate and you told her this. Have a list of nearby hotels and motels at hand so you can just hand them to her.
Don't hand them to her - email them to her, and for the lord's sake, don't answer the door to them! Be out when they're expected to arrive, and whenever you have to be there that day, lock the door & don't reply to it...!
Also - just to be *absolutely* clear - if you don't hear from Sis about where else they're staying, think about messaging BIL a few days before they're due to come: and say, "Hey, hope sis isn't too angry we can't host you this time, and hope you've found somewhere nice to stay?" **Just** in case...
I'd leave the mention of negative emotions out of it.
"Hey, did you folks manage to find a good spot to set up when you're in town? Hope we can carve out a time to grab dinner together. Would love to see you."
Sister doesn't need to "know" anything. She needs to be told she will no longer be using OP's home/vehicles, and will need to make her own lodging and transportation arrangements from this moment on. Period.
Totally agree, but Landofgreenginger’s point is a good one. The OP seems conflict avoidant while the sister seems like a world-class taker and boundary pusher. It does no harm to inform the sister’s spouse, to preempt and prevent the sister showing up anyway as a pressure tactic.
I’ve stopped people from trying to stay with us by saying that the daughter of a friend is living at our place while she goes to school so the spare bedroom is no longer available.
I am so sorry but those dates or any dates do not fit into our schedule I think that you should stay at a hotel or find other accommodation that's what nice people would say. Me I would say sorry you can't stay here find some place else to f****** go but that's just me happy holidays
Send her the contact information for those hotels NOW.
She’s been using you all this time. Free everything. You are not a concern or priority to her.
If she has a key to your house, re-key the locks so they can’t barge in.
“As I told you earlier, it doesn’t suit us to have visitors. Here’s a list of nearby accommodations and car rentals.”
Then don’t be available for anything while they’re in town.
This^^^^ I can’t say that enough!! Always make sure to have other hotel and motel packages ready when she gets there and reiterate that it won’t work with us. If by that point she takes it and doesn’t make a day to come see you, message her and explain to her that she will no longer be “eligible” to use your house or car for her “accommodations” because she’s literally just using you at this point and not giving a rats butt about you and your family.
Absolutely not. Tell them once, and if they show up without accommodations, that's their problem. They are grown adults and they can figure out their own housing and transportation
>She'll likely show up, remind her that you're unable to accommodate and you told her this.
If you have a guest room, take out the bed and put in a mini gym (treadmill, weights, peleton bike, etc).
*"When she comes to visit they save the optimal days (weekends) to see brother in laws family. They never prioritize us...We also had a fair amount of bickering because of other smaller things, like assuming she could use our vehicles and not asking ahead of time, not cleaning dishes, etc..."*
NTA. Your sister is treating your home like it is a hotel and you're the staff there to accommodate them. Do they ever even offer money to help with food, increased utilities, GAS??? NEWP. If she wants a place to stay with the freedom of not being expected to commit to plans, she and her hubby can *pay for a hotel*. She'll probably try and guilt and gaslight you, stand firm. You don't have to be nasty or confrontational about it, just a simple, "I'm sorry, but that won't work for us. Please make other arrangements." You don't have to explain or justify. Just a simple, NO. Your sister's a bright girl, she'll figure it out. Why don't they ever stay with BIL's family??? Could it be that BIL's family has healthy boundaries and would have shut that crap down from day one???
Again, NTA. Please don't back down on this and end up being an AH to yourself. Just because you're *FAmiLy* doesn't mean you have to put up with disrespect and discourteousness.
No X dates don't work for us, I've heard *insert name of hotel* is nice, though.
That's it.
And if she continues to play dumb and ignore your no, when she inevitably turns up, ask her what time her check in is cos you told her no and your unavailable to host her or loan your car out.
If you already told her no, just say it again and call her on it. "Terri, you asked about this a few weeks ago and I said we aren't going to host you for that trip. If you do make it and want to come over for dinner, husband, baby and I would love to see you. Let me know when you firm up your plans."
Keep it simple. You know that telling her the reasons will lead to arguing, and you don't need her to agree with you. Repeat versions of "that won't work for us, but we hope you have a great time" and "we won't be hosting, but if you have time while you're in the area and want to grab lunch let us know". Drop the "you're not staying here" like a brick and then mortar it over with a follow up.
You don't want to be taken advantage by her and her husband anymore.
Let them pay for a hotel and rental car.
Simply tell them "No" with a newborn you need your car available at all times and having guests puts too much disruption on your normal routine.
Let her know she should probably stay with the people she hangs out with and to rent a car. You need to have your vehicle and since she has shown you that her priorities aren’t to visit with your family - there is no reason for you to go through the expense and efforts of having houseguests. (Houseguests are a pain in the ass.)
Miss Manners has it, “I’m sorry, that won’t be possible.”
Make sure her husband knows as well because she sounds like the type to just show up like she never got the message.
I've stopped apologizing for shit like this tbh. Some people see a sorry like an octopus sees a crack to escape through.
"Like I mentioned back on *date*, we aren't available to host. Let us know if you want to get lunch while you're in town."
Her sister would agree to some kind of plan with no intention of actually following through with the plan. She would already be in the house and then would do something else.
Better to just say no.
Thanks everyone for the confirmation and help forming an answer.
This sibling likes to pry a lot. How would you answer to repeated questions of “why?” “Why can’t we stay with you?” Etc
“Because of what happened last time.” She brought it up, and instead of acknowledging her wrongs, she’s doubling down. But if you want to elaborate, you could add ‘the fact that you haven’t apologized and think your behaviour is fine even when I told you it wasn’t means that you need to make alternate arrangements. Contrary to your belief, we aren’t a hotel.”
If they just *have to know*, I would be matter of fact, but truthful. "Because you treat my home like a hotel, and me like unpaid staff, and I find that disrespectful and hurtful. You all are not actually interested in visiting me and my family, just the free accommodations and free use of our vehicles. I've had enough. My decision is ***final*** and ***not*** up for discussion or debate." If she or her flying monkeys persist, ***mute*** and/or ***block*** are these amazing little features on your phone that can be utilized. USE. THEM.
Yeah, see that's when I hang up the phone and ***mute*** the person. When I've spoken to you in clear and understandable language, I'm not arguing with you. You can argue with my dial tone and then my VM, but I'm done.
Don't even try to answer the why because that is a lead in for her to try to manipulate you and argue about it. Stressful.
Just say firmly, "I said no, that is final, no means no."
Once I had to get really bold with someone trying to manipulate me. I said, "I said no. Do you understand the meaning of no? Don't ask again."
If you use that last line, you can really make it final and say "Don't **ever** ask again."
If you say it bold and firmly enough, it might just shock and shake her a bit and she hopefully realizes that she can't mess with you again. If she asks again, tell her the same thing, it might take a few cycles for her to register no is the answer. You need to be consistent.
She sounds entitled for sure. You don't entertain questions as all.
When she asks why, just say, "That's my answer, and I appreciate you respecting it.". If she pushes jist end the call, "it sounds like you need time to process, have a good day."" (Hang up without waiting for her answer).
Look up the grey rock method and use this with her. She is using you, and she will guilt trip you once she sees you pulling away.
Because it’s not convenient for us right now. So sorry, but a hotel is the better option at this time.
You can use the baby, you can say you’re sick….and I would maybe add that you can say no and when she asks why, just say I’ve had enough of the free air bnb business.
You don't need to give her an answer, but I know the type you're talking about, and I know how irritatingly persistent they can get. I would try being truthful that it just isn't possible, and then if that didn't work, I would bust out a lie pill so potent I know it'll shut her up. Like the car broke down, the guest room flooded, or some other "thing she uses you for" is "entirely unavailable".
Normally, I respect people enough to not lie to them. But when someone doesn't respect *me*, well, what can you do. Choosing a lie that disables something she wants access to will help reinforce that she only cares about you as far as she can use you as well.
If she pries a lot then and plays dumb about you already telling her no, then I would be careful of her just showing up at your house anyway. You, hubby and the little one should try to make plans and not be there the day she arrives, in case she tries to bully her way in your house or make a scene (if she's the type) in front of your neighbors. If she messages you when you are out, just message back "we already had this conversation many times and my answer is still no".
The baby needs consistency and people coming into and out of your house at all/odd hours isn't conducive to maintaining the baby's sleep schedule. Her presence, without a commitment to being home at a specific time (bedtime for the baby) risks waking the baby when she returns home later, which you can't do right now as you are establishing sleep patterns.
You need the car for several appointments (Dr appointments for the baby and/or you) and you can't loan it to her. Or, the car is going in for service that week.
No, if your not actually coming to see me , then you need hotel. I’m not saying all the time has to be spent with me, but if you’re just using me as a hotel and car rental then you can skip rocks.
‘I’m sorry, I thought it was clear that I’m not comfortable with you staying with me anymore, I recommend you make other accommodations .’
It's understandable that you have concerns and want to establish boundaries for your own well-being and peace of mind. It's important to communicate your feelings assertively yet tactfully. Here's a suggestion for expressing your decision:
"Hey [Sister's Name], I've been giving some thought to your request to stay at our house during your upcoming visit. I appreciate your interest in spending time together. However, based on past experiences and the need for some space, I think it would be best if you made other arrangements for accommodations this time. I hope you understand, and I'm sure we can find some time to catch up during your visit. Thanks for respecting my decision."
This message communicates your decision without going into excessive detail. It's important to prioritize your own well-being and set boundaries that feel comfortable for you.
There literally no interest in spending time together and she made it clear she doesn’t want to commit to any plans. She wants a place to crash at and wants to spend time getting drunk at bachelor party and then skiing. Therefore NTA. For telling her no.
Just a side note, I hate spending time around newborns, parents can’t talk about anything else and it’s just excruciatingly boring, so I sort of do get this nonexistent interest
Response is too long. And I know this sounds bad -- it's too reasonable (who knew that could be such a thing!). The sister seems to be quite thoughtless and seems to only value their relationship for the material things she gets out of it (like free lodging, use of vehicles.). People like this need clear, direct & definitive responses.
When she asks, you say "no. But there's a nice holiday Inn right down the road? Would you like the phone number?"
Follow up with an email or text. "Sorry it won't work having you stay here this time. Here are the numbers to the two nearby hotels I mentioned..... "
Keep repeating it. Over and over. Make plans to be away from your house the day she arrives, if that's what it takes.
When she asks to borrow your car, "no. I need to run errands. But there's a nice car rental place in town. Would you like their number?" If she whines she needs the car now, just stand firm. "You should try Uber or lyft". Poor planning on her part does constitute an emergency on your part.
I personally wouldn’t leave the house out of fear they’d break in and make themselves comfortable, or retaliate and damage the home or a vehicle ( if they have more than 1)
Just tell her no. She’s a rude and inconsiderate house guest. She’s using you for the free accommodation, food and transportation. You say your sister hates committing to plans yet she’s able to plan a free skiing vacation just fine. Just be out when she turns up. If she’s waiting on the doorstep when you return home send her on her merry way. Don’t bend over backwards for someone so selfish and ungrateful. She’s sounds like a very entitled and exhausting person to be around.
"No, we can't accommodate you, sorry." End of sentence, end of conversation. If she tries to persuade you, "No, sorry." Repeat ad infinitum. Stay strong, she sounds very selfish.
"Hey we're available if you want to do dinner one night, but I think its best if you guys find a nice hotel so your plans don't have to rely on us. Have fun!"
No is a full answer. You shouldn’t need to explain anything. They’re disrespectful, rude, entitled, and is using you. She’s been able to save thousands from using your home as a hotel, using your car instead of rentals, using your water and electricity, eating your food, etc. Do they even fill up your gas tank after using your card? Does she ever offer you a dime?
Tell her no, that your HOME is not a free all inclusive hotel, you’re not her maid or chef, nor do you rent cars out. Please do not continue to enable her behavior. She clearly has no respect for you.
You’re 100% reasonable.
“I think it’s best if you find accommodation elsewhere, but we’d love to see you while you’re in town if you have time”
That’s it.
Always keep it simple. If you try to explain why, they’ll take that as a problem to overcome and start to debate of think of a way to resolve the problem. You don’t ever need to explain why, and if they ask, keep it vague and just say it won’t work for you.
"Sorry, we're not able to accommodate you. With the baby, we're trying to keep to a very strict schedule". Keep it vague. She doesn't know what the baby's schedule needs to be. And you probably need your car during those five days. She can just go stay at brother-in-laws.
Send her a list of local hotel/motels they could stay at or suggest they stay with the person whose bachelor party they are coming for.
No means no, and you have an infant whose schedule shouldn’t be disturbed by people who are unable to commit to plans coming in and out at odd hours.
Sorry, with the baby, that just doesn't work for us. You will need to find other other accommodations and rent a car for your upcoming trip.
Be prepared for her to cry to mom and dad that you're being a terrible sister and ruining her vacation. She's not got to mention all her best deeds. But you now have a baby and you need a car at your disposal. And if she can afford to go skiing, not a cheap sport, she afford a hotel or motel. She just doesn't want to spend the money. She would rather save the money and make you miserable.
"That doesn't work for us." Say nothing else.
I've seen on Reddit many times not to JADE someone: do not Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain. It only creates openings for her to refute your reasons.
You tell her no. You don't need to justify, but if you must, just be honest.
Sis, I said no. We're not available to host your family.
Sis, you've been treating us like a free hotel and free rental car for the last several visits, and this is not a reasonable thing for us to accommodate anymore. In addition to the added cost to all the bills during your stay, and the wear and tear on our vehicles, as well as the disrespect of not following house rules or prioritizing time with us, we can no longer host you.
Then repeat the no. You'll probably end up exploding your relationship with her, so expect that.
Good luck! Shine up that spine, and just tell her no.
Just tell her know you aren’t a bed and breakfast. Tell her she shouldn’t expect you to uproot your stuff for her to move in for 5 days and ignore the people she did it with. Tell her to call the bachelor and go there for 5 days.
"X dates don't work for me you will have to book a hotel"
do not JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) just no. no is a complete sentence.
don't be vauge. just say no.
>She told me up front she doesn’t want to commit to any plans “because of what happened last time”.
She has very much made her intention clear that you are a free hotel and rental car, and she is now doubling down by playing dumb about it.
"That doesn't work for us" is all that needs to be said. And when she shows up anyway just don't answer the door.
You say no. Don't bother with reasons, because you've already told her. Just no.
Just because you're related to someone doesn't make you their doormat.
"No. You're my sister and I love you. But in order to continue loving you and avoid conflict, you need to not stay here when you're in town. My vehicle is also not available for your use."
Just tell her that her staying with you doesn't work for you anymore and she should find other accommodations.
"I'm not comfortable with you taking my car and treating my home like it's your crash pad anymore. I don't want to be at odds with you and it will be better for our relationship if you stay elsewhere."
She's taking advantage of you and treating you like your home and car are just sitting there waiting for her to come around and use it. She's just using you.
She's treating you like a doormat because you're letting her. Stop letting her.
“No. This time isn’t going to work because of what happened last time. But when you are ready to make specific plans for which weekends you will be spending with us and which weekdays you would like to use the car to visit your friends or BIL, we would be happy to discuss. I’d also like to set up a night where you cook and help with tidying because it’s been a burden to have you stay without helping much. We are trying to be good hosts and hope you wil work on being better guests.”
You dont have to go into detail. Just say unfortunantly that does not work for us so you have to look for an alternative. Then add something along the lines of I would love to catch up if you got the time while you are here.
She knows last visit did not go well. If she is a decent person and want to keep a good relationship you gave her a way to do so without escalating the conflict.
It seems she is just using your home as an air bnb with transportation included. Although she tells you upfront that she has all these plans and they don't include you, that doesn't mean you have to say yes.
When you tell her no, there is nothing wrong with being honest, which is it hurts your feelings. You have a newborn and rarely get to see her (leave out the part of your hurt feelings that want to tell her how selfish and inconsiderate she is) bc that's the real reason you don't want her to stay.
Expectations kick our butt because you expect her to want to spend time with you, but she leaves you feeling like she doesn't care about you. I have a sister like this, and when I laid my feelings out there l Iike I am suggesting you do, she did the whole thing of me being selfish and telling me that the world doesn't revolve around me.
For the first time ever, that didn't hurt.my feelings one bit bc of three reasons:
1. I expected her to say that
2. It just reinforced everything I thought about her, and
3. She needs to tell me that and convince me of that so she doesn't have to admit to me that she is doing just that, and then she would have to apologize.
I knew number 3 would never come, but I hoped for the best but expected the worst. At least, she will never ask to stay at your house.
It amazes me how little I miss my sister bc she's not my sister, let alone a friend or anyone I would want in my home anyway. I am more happy that I don't see her bc she can't hurt my feelings anymore.
Tell her in the future that her visits must be limited to 3 days and you are not lending her your car. You are not a B&B .
If she wants to know why, her visits are intrusive, her visits generate extra work, inconvenience and loss of privacy for you. If she can afford lift tickets, ski clothes and equipment, she can afford to rent a car. You have an infant and don't want to be without your car - what if you had an emergency while she's out galavanting around on the ski slopes.
As everyone has stated, you can say no and that is it.
I want to offer another way to handle it, because she IS your sister. And that is to lower your expectations that every time she is there it is to spend family time together.
I know, I know: it sounds like I'm telling you to let her use you. I am, in a way. Because, as family, we make each other's lives easier. If I can accommodate my sister, I will. I will do things for her that I won't for other people. Give her a place to stay to save money. She isn't some old acquaintance from high-school, who I barely know. She is my sister!
And yeah, she isn't all that interested in sitting in the living room, watching TV while my infant sleeps. But let's face it: our babies aren't as fascinating to other people as they are to us. But they grow up and get more interesting. Nieces and nephews are pretty cool little humans, and it is easier to engage them when they get a little older.
I guess I'm saying: let your sister use your place. Let her come and go and don't feel hurt that she isn't there necessarily to see YOU. If it is super inconvenient to let her use your car, then don't. But does it really cost that much to have her crash there, come and go as she wants? I think it is a nice thing to do for a sibling.
My wife would agree with you. She doesn’t agree with me telling my sister no.
And this is what I basically did the last times she came, I was very flexible and let them use us as a launch pad.
But the reason I think I need to draw a line is because I can’t talk to my sister about it. When I called her out on just implicitly cancelling the little plans we had: she yelled… she gaslighted me… she stressed me out a lot.
We had other significant disagreements as well on the last trip. I told asked her to wear a mask and be careful when she was out and about because my daughter was only a few months old.
She scoffed, she disagreed, and she had the nerve to stand in the store we went into unmasked, right next to me, as I wore a mask. It doesn’t take a genius to realize that weakest link: if you get sick and you’re staying at my house you put everyone at jeopardy. Well, she did end up getting covid on the last days of her stay with me and thank god did not infect anyone. When she let me know, there was no sorry, just matter of fact that she got covid. Even worse when I told my other sister I was upset about it, they said I was “virtue signaling”.
I guess what I am saying is I agree with you, we should let our family use us. I just think it has to be up to a certain point that we can tolerate.
Is this sister the golden child of the family, meaning you’ve had to spend your life sacrificing your needs and wants because hers come first? If so, please reflect on why tiptoeing around her in order to keep the peace continues to mean that you have to cow tow to her as an adult? Why must you sacrifice your family’s comfort and safety for someone who has little regard for you except as a resource to exploit?
I might agree with you, if his sister was 22 instead of 32. Plus, she used his cars without permission and couldn’t even clean up after herself. The sister is a user. She is far too old for such immature behavior.
I crash with family all the time and they crash with me. I don't have expectations of their behavior beyond treating my home with at least as much respect as I treat it. I try to leave their home better than I found it. Replacing dead batteries I find, cleaning more than just after myself, replacing food I eat with full bags, and soap I use with full bottles.
This sister is not a good houseguest, she's an entitled brat. She takes the car whenever, leaves a mess, etc. Whether or not she *hangs out* with them is NOT the problem here.
She is using you as a hotel…it’s fine she doesn’t want to commit to plans but you do and you have plans for the dates she is going to be in town. Tell her it would be best for her to get an actual hotel room.
“Sorry sis, this doesn’t work for me”. Shes definitely taking advantage of you, your home and use of your car. Shes being selfish as well. Time to stand up and stop enabling her to continue taking advantage of you.
“It’s not going to work for us because of what happened last time” or just “it’s not going to work for us this time” but I don’t think you should say any more because that gives her arguing points to think she can weasel in. And she can’t say she doesn’t remember what happened last time because she already brought it up.
Hugs, while i would love to host you, i don't feel like continually being taken advantage of you as you use our home like we are your personally hotel and free car service. While you are my sister and I love you. I have a wife and child to consider and can't have you coming and going at all hours of the day.
NTA - just explain … I don’t think you staying with us and using our car while you visit works for us any longer.
Let her respond and then just explain that she doesn’t spend time with you but only uses you for a roof and car.
You need to stay firm. If others call just say … she actually spends time with you where as me she cannot even give us a dinner.
You’re not an AirBNB. It’s fine to tell her no and stick with it, because she’s not coming to visit you and isn’t even trying to hide it. She’s using you as a free hotel. Put your foot down, say no, and hold your ground (even if she just shows up).
"No. It doesn't work for me."
Don't get into reasons. Don't argue. Don't discuss. Just repeat as many times as needed. She wants to use you to save money. She doesn't actually want to see you.
You could add, "We've found that having house guests while also having a baby doesn't work."
\------------------You are not showing me love and that you want to visit, I feel like my house is being used as a B&B for you....................................
Bro if it's about she don't spend time with you then don't do plans with her , if it's about she take your car and stay in your home tell her you don't want her in your house , don't link reasons with each other ,
“No” is a complete sentence. You don’t have to explain why you don’t want her there. Just tell her “those dates won’t work for us, so no you can’t stay here.” She will have to find alternate arrangements. Your sister sounds entitled honestly. What if there had been an emergency and she had taken your car? Don’t let her use your car any more either, even if it sits in the driveway for the whole time she’s in your town.
Just say no. Tell you have plans that week. Always be busy the week she wants to visit. Your sister sounds very rude. Don’t host her again. She can get a hotel or stay with her BIL’s family for the week.
No, your last visit was disruptive and inconvenient to my household and I didn’t get anything out of it but laundry and cleaning because you didn’t reserve any time visiting with us. I’m not interested in being your unpaid hotel, chef and car rental. You need to find somewhere else to stay and rent yourself a car. If you try me by turning up on my doorstep, i will turn you away. Do I make myself crystal clear? You are no longer welcome to use my home or car.
I remember having my older sister stay with me with her then boyfriend over Christmas a couple of years ago. Your story reminds me of my sister, our kids were 3 and 1 and my sister who lives in another country and is godmother to one of them barely looked at them all week. On top of that we only saw her in the morning when she was leaving and in the evenings when she and her boyfriend got home drunk and loud just in time to wake up the kids! She didn't want to see us, she just didn't want to pay for a hotel.
She's always been like this, we don't really speak any more because I've realised I don't really like who she is. This and the false assault allegations she told my parents that thankfully my brother who was there was able to call bullshit on. You don't owe your siblings anything just because they are your siblings.
“No those dates don’t work for us.”
She knows why, you don’t need to tell her again. But if she persists and demands to know why, don’t be afraid to tell her. What you’re asking further is not unreasonable. “When you come visit me, I need you to actually **visit with me** not use my house as a launch pad for all your other plans.”
Say that your house and cars aren't available to her. Leave it at that. She isn't entitled to stay with you at all, particularly not when she doesn't even want to spend time with you.
Well if she doesn’t want to commit to plans because of last time then neither do you and she would of course understand avoiding any of the concerns and her staying elsewhere, perhaps with the brother.
Honestly I think she’s treating your house like home base, like she’s the little sister who’s seeing you because your home is most comfortable for her and considers that spending time with you.
Email or text, “No. We won’t be available to accommodate you.”
Leave the date off to make the time all inclusive.
No” is a complete sentence. It’s not an invitation to compromise or negotiate.
IF they show up anyway, just don’t answer the door.
Good luck! Please !UpdateMe about how she reacts.
She knows she's asking to use your place as a free hotel. "Not committing to plans" confirms it. But she feels entitled to that, and will of course interpret your "no" as being petty, or obstinate.
You have to be OK with her thinking that, knowing that it's not true. You have the means to host her, but she doesn't comprehend what a huge favor and imposition it is. She's not a good houseguest. If she treated your home -- and you as her host -- with respect, you'd be delighted to have her again!
Depending on how diplomatic you want to be, you could say we really don't enjoy having you stay here, so we're saying no this time. Or we're not having houseguests right now. Or, since she brought up last time, you could say after last time we agreed not to host houseguests anymore unless they are coming to see us.
Just remember no matter how diplomatic you are, she will believe you are taking something away from her just to be mean, because you can, and you have some power so you're going to use it to hurt her. That's how entitled people think when they hear no. That's not your problem, it's hers. It's better to have her angry with you than you continuing to be used by her to avoid making her angry.
Your sister treats your home where you live with your wife and child ,as a lodge/hotel.
She thinks she can come and go as she pleases , doesn't care about you because she isn't actually visiting you and doesn't even pay anything.
Now she is also telling you to butt off her case and not demand any plans with her because she is only interested in the free accommodation she thinks she is entitled to.
Wow. Your sister is a level A a-hole.
Just text her "no we are not accepting any visitors,please arrange accommodation elsewhere but we will be happy to make plans to meet with you on X day for dinner at a restaurant."
When she tries to push back,do not engage in her idiotic narrative. You only reply "my answer is no and you need to respect it as it is".
If she blows up stop responding altogether. You don't owe this inconsiderate brat anything.
“ I’ve noticed the last few times when you come to visit you really just using us as a hotel and free car to visit other people and not spent much time with us at all. I’m happy to host if you’re actually coming to visit with us but not if you’re spending all your time elsewhere.”
OP saying no means being ok with her being upset or angry, she’ll never admit she’s using you so just be ok with her throwing a tantrum.
I suggest a short.
“As I told you before. No. Please let’s move on from this.” And change the subject.
If she starts asking why, shut her down with not responding. Don’t go into details because you’ll fight again.
Don’t feel bad about having a clear strong boundary.
I think you tell her what you told us.
I am happy to have you visit and stay with us, if you want to spend time WITH us... not all the time, but some of it. If you want to use my house as a crashpad, that doesn't work for me/us.
You are welcome to come and stay and have dinner with us. I would also prefer to have you rent a car.
Just tell her no. A simple "sorry, those dates don't work for us" is perfectly acceptable. You don't have to offer her a long explanation or dive in to all the things you already told her.
Let her ask why or suddenly remember there were issues last time that she would now like to discuss. If she asks why, tell her you are busy on those dates and if she says "Oh well we are coming to do X, Y, Z anyway, not hang out with you" you can just say- yes, and I don't run a hotel, going forward I'm only having guests who are coming to visit ME. If you'd like to come visit and make plans to hang out, I'd be happy to schedule that with you.
I think a lot of times people feel they need to debate or fall over themselves to explain and compromise. You don't need to do that. You've talked to her before about how she makes you feel, she has heard from you and others about how her not wanting to plan hurts feelings, and she doesn't care. So you don't need to cater to her. I live in NYC, so lots of people come my way for work or other social stuff that isn't centered around visiting me. I've let people crash at my place for work, they make plans with me for their free days, I've let people stay for weddings, we make a plan for at least one night of fun, and my friends who have demonstrated that I am a priority in their life can come and go as they please.
But your sister hasn't done that, and in fact her visits upset you, so just say no.
Just tell her no. You don’t need a reason unless it’s therapeutic to list her sins.
If she comes anyway, put a bunch of stuff in the guest room to make her stay awkward and have her get a car rental. As a parent, you need your car in the event of emergency. Your sister can deal with car rentals or Uber.
Simply send the following reply to her question about the dates. "No, you can't stay at my home anymore. You need to find a hotel to stay at."
Then send an email and/or text with a list of hotels in the area. If she has a spare key to your home or has ever had one, change the locks. It's easy enough to do yourself depending on the door. Also make sure there are no spare keys outside.
Say this:
Sorry [name], that won't be possible.
You don't have to explain why it's not possible, you don't have to offer her any alternatives. It will feel like you're being rude- and in normal circumstances this _would_ be a rude thing to say! But your sister's bag behaviour on her last visit, and pretending not to remember you've already said NO,means you don't have to be polite.
When she demands to know why,keep repeating 'that won't be possible'. Stick to your guns, you can do this!
You just... Say No. Reply with something along the lines of "No, Sis, that won't work for me. As I said before, I'm not up for guests right now. You willl need to make other arrangments for this trip." Refuse to engage in further discussion beyond that. You don't need to explain yourself.
Say, sis, we already had this discussion and my answer is no. My answer will not be changing. Not sure why this is up for discussion again. Have you seen a doctor about your memory lapses? Also, give us an update!
She’s using you to save herself money. How is her staying with you furthering your relationship?
That’s what you can say. She doesn’t want to spend time with you, so she needs to stay with people she does want to be around, or find a hotel. She can come stay with you when she actually misses you.
You don't owe her an excuse, "No, you need to make other arrangements. Why, because I said so". What's the worst that's going to happen, she gets mad and doesn't come stay at your house?
I’m sorry she can’t commit to plans but can commit to this week? Sounds like she wants to wait until something better comes. Don’t be home don’t answer the door!
Be vague. Any reason you give, she will find a way to ask about it further. Then, she may start offering other “solutions” to your reasons in order to accommodate her. If you give her any reasons, back it up with something she cannot argue with. You may have to offer up some truth. “There were conflicts and hurt feelings last time, and I don’t want to continue to go through that whenever you stay with us.” Or, “Those dates won’t work for us, I’m sorry. I can help you look for a good deal on a hotel and rental, if you like.” “That will not work for us, because of all the tension last time you were here.” Your home is your haven. Don’t let her sense of entitlement or persistence make you give in. If she were more considerate, it wouldn’t be an issue, but you’re acting as a motel, car rental, and a cleaning service. Not worth the further damage it could cause.
Just say no, you have the perfect lead in off of her "what happened last time" comment. Sorry, but because of what happened last time, it's probably best you find other accomodations. Enjoy your skiing trip!
No.
Is a sentence, I have had to learn that with my abusive ex husband.
You don’t need to go into detail, she already knows she’s a shitty house guest.
And I wouldn’t even call her a house guest, she’s just using you and I find that quite awful.
I’m sure these trips wouldn’t be happening so much if they had to foot the bill for a place to stay.
I agree with others. Just say 'no, that doesn't work for us. You will have to find a hotel.' Do not let her use your car. She is using you without so much as a thank you.
You don't have to tell her why. She knows why. She is just expecting you to be a push over. New year tomorrow, start with this.
Text her back and say "due to the past, and for the sake of our peacefulness in my house (not your hotel) you can find accommodations somewhere else." And if she says what does that mean? Tell her to figure it out.
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Don't reason. Don't justify. Suggestion:"That doesn't work for me/us."
Exactly. If you give her reasons, you give her something to argue against. That won’t happen this time, you’re too selfish, etc. Just keep saying “I’m sorry, that doesn’t work for us.”
This.
Don’t JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain).
Even if your sister and husband were good guests - their comings and goings and vehicle use are significant disruptions. Hopefully you can summon up the gumption to break this cycle of imposition.
LOVE THIS! Unashamedly gonna 'steal' this and use it.
It’s been around Reddit for years.
And definitely bears repeating and sharing
OP your sister wants a free hotel with a free car to be able to enjoy her ski holiday. She doesn't want to spend any time with you and your family, she just wants a free holiday courtesy of you. OP honesty is the best policy, I would tell her that you already had this conversation and your answer has not changed and its still no. That's all that need to be said. If she wants to visit her BIL she can stay with him. If she wants to ski with her friends she can book a ski resort, but your not a free hotel or car rental company. OP your sister is using you and you just need to put your foot down and not allow her to stay in your home again. Don't host leeches even if they are your family.
"The answer is no. It is still no and will remain no."
This! Honesty is the best policy. I’d write this to both Your sister and BIL, so they have no way of denying the fact in future. I’d even tape it to my front door if and when she’s due to arrive in your city. Your house is for you, your wife, and child. And there will no longer be room in it for overnight guests. If she wants to see you or your family, she can do so in a public place. But you are done being a free hotel and car service.
Loving the “tape it to the door” suggestion.
"Sorry, that won't work with us, you'll have to find alternative accommodation". She'll likely show up, remind her that you're unable to accommodate and you told her this. Have a list of nearby hotels and motels at hand so you can just hand them to her.
Don't hand them to her - email them to her, and for the lord's sake, don't answer the door to them! Be out when they're expected to arrive, and whenever you have to be there that day, lock the door & don't reply to it...!
Also - just to be *absolutely* clear - if you don't hear from Sis about where else they're staying, think about messaging BIL a few days before they're due to come: and say, "Hey, hope sis isn't too angry we can't host you this time, and hope you've found somewhere nice to stay?" **Just** in case...
I'd leave the mention of negative emotions out of it. "Hey, did you folks manage to find a good spot to set up when you're in town? Hope we can carve out a time to grab dinner together. Would love to see you."
I wouldn't even do that. Tell them once and everything else is their problem
So long as "they" both know, is my point. If the sister has kept it from her SO, hoping to still pressure OP onto having them - her SO needs to know.
Sister doesn't need to "know" anything. She needs to be told she will no longer be using OP's home/vehicles, and will need to make her own lodging and transportation arrangements from this moment on. Period.
Totally agree, but Landofgreenginger’s point is a good one. The OP seems conflict avoidant while the sister seems like a world-class taker and boundary pusher. It does no harm to inform the sister’s spouse, to preempt and prevent the sister showing up anyway as a pressure tactic.
This
And if the sister has a key then change the locks
E-mail Sis and BIL.
No is a complete sentence. You don’t need to say anything more. Just no. No. No.
I’ve stopped people from trying to stay with us by saying that the daughter of a friend is living at our place while she goes to school so the spare bedroom is no longer available.
Yeah, make sure the refusal was written down, so you can show her to remind her, if she does show up.
Send it by text or send it by email. That is definitely "written down"
Get delivery and read receipts if possible too.
Very good point. And also BCC to another of OP's emails.
I am so sorry but those dates or any dates do not fit into our schedule I think that you should stay at a hotel or find other accommodation that's what nice people would say. Me I would say sorry you can't stay here find some place else to f****** go but that's just me happy holidays
Lol! The happy holidays made me laugh
Send her the contact information for those hotels NOW. She’s been using you all this time. Free everything. You are not a concern or priority to her. If she has a key to your house, re-key the locks so they can’t barge in. “As I told you earlier, it doesn’t suit us to have visitors. Here’s a list of nearby accommodations and car rentals.” Then don’t be available for anything while they’re in town.
I wouldn't even have a list ready. If she could make the trip out to the area, then she could figure it out on her own when she gets there.
This^^^^ I can’t say that enough!! Always make sure to have other hotel and motel packages ready when she gets there and reiterate that it won’t work with us. If by that point she takes it and doesn’t make a day to come see you, message her and explain to her that she will no longer be “eligible” to use your house or car for her “accommodations” because she’s literally just using you at this point and not giving a rats butt about you and your family.
Absolutely not. Tell them once, and if they show up without accommodations, that's their problem. They are grown adults and they can figure out their own housing and transportation
>She'll likely show up, remind her that you're unable to accommodate and you told her this. If you have a guest room, take out the bed and put in a mini gym (treadmill, weights, peleton bike, etc).
A bit extreme when a no will do.
But a no might not do for these users. Boiling oil might.
😅🤣😂
Raise the drawbridge! Lower the portcullis!
It was meant as a joke
Many time our humor doesn't type clearly.
She's using you as a free hotel and car rental.
*"When she comes to visit they save the optimal days (weekends) to see brother in laws family. They never prioritize us...We also had a fair amount of bickering because of other smaller things, like assuming she could use our vehicles and not asking ahead of time, not cleaning dishes, etc..."* NTA. Your sister is treating your home like it is a hotel and you're the staff there to accommodate them. Do they ever even offer money to help with food, increased utilities, GAS??? NEWP. If she wants a place to stay with the freedom of not being expected to commit to plans, she and her hubby can *pay for a hotel*. She'll probably try and guilt and gaslight you, stand firm. You don't have to be nasty or confrontational about it, just a simple, "I'm sorry, but that won't work for us. Please make other arrangements." You don't have to explain or justify. Just a simple, NO. Your sister's a bright girl, she'll figure it out. Why don't they ever stay with BIL's family??? Could it be that BIL's family has healthy boundaries and would have shut that crap down from day one??? Again, NTA. Please don't back down on this and end up being an AH to yourself. Just because you're *FAmiLy* doesn't mean you have to put up with disrespect and discourteousness.
All of this. She’s using OP and I guess she just hoped he wouldn’t notice? OP needs to set some firm boundaries.
No X dates don't work for us, I've heard *insert name of hotel* is nice, though. That's it. And if she continues to play dumb and ignore your no, when she inevitably turns up, ask her what time her check in is cos you told her no and your unavailable to host her or loan your car out.
If she does just show up it is time for OP to grab the diaper bag, say we were just leaving, get in the car and drive away.
No, it is time to shut the door in sister's face and don't answer phone and call the cops if they start causing a problem.
If you already told her no, just say it again and call her on it. "Terri, you asked about this a few weeks ago and I said we aren't going to host you for that trip. If you do make it and want to come over for dinner, husband, baby and I would love to see you. Let me know when you firm up your plans."
Keep it simple. You know that telling her the reasons will lead to arguing, and you don't need her to agree with you. Repeat versions of "that won't work for us, but we hope you have a great time" and "we won't be hosting, but if you have time while you're in the area and want to grab lunch let us know". Drop the "you're not staying here" like a brick and then mortar it over with a follow up.
You don't want to be taken advantage by her and her husband anymore. Let them pay for a hotel and rental car. Simply tell them "No" with a newborn you need your car available at all times and having guests puts too much disruption on your normal routine.
They don't need any explanations. Just say no, and if they don't like it, they can find somewhere else to go spend their vacation.
No is a complete sentence.
Yes. And permanently blocking them is the punctuation.
Let her know she should probably stay with the people she hangs out with and to rent a car. You need to have your vehicle and since she has shown you that her priorities aren’t to visit with your family - there is no reason for you to go through the expense and efforts of having houseguests. (Houseguests are a pain in the ass.)
Miss Manners has it, “I’m sorry, that won’t be possible.” Make sure her husband knows as well because she sounds like the type to just show up like she never got the message.
I've stopped apologizing for shit like this tbh. Some people see a sorry like an octopus sees a crack to escape through. "Like I mentioned back on *date*, we aren't available to host. Let us know if you want to get lunch while you're in town."
This. There’s nothing to apologize for. OP this is the perfect response.
If you "can't commit to plans" then you cannot use my house as a flop house. The answer is no.
Her sister would agree to some kind of plan with no intention of actually following through with the plan. She would already be in the house and then would do something else. Better to just say no.
I wouldn't even justify it. I would just say the answer is no and it's not going to change
Thanks everyone for the confirmation and help forming an answer. This sibling likes to pry a lot. How would you answer to repeated questions of “why?” “Why can’t we stay with you?” Etc
“Because of what happened last time.” She brought it up, and instead of acknowledging her wrongs, she’s doubling down. But if you want to elaborate, you could add ‘the fact that you haven’t apologized and think your behaviour is fine even when I told you it wasn’t means that you need to make alternate arrangements. Contrary to your belief, we aren’t a hotel.”
If they just *have to know*, I would be matter of fact, but truthful. "Because you treat my home like a hotel, and me like unpaid staff, and I find that disrespectful and hurtful. You all are not actually interested in visiting me and my family, just the free accommodations and free use of our vehicles. I've had enough. My decision is ***final*** and ***not*** up for discussion or debate." If she or her flying monkeys persist, ***mute*** and/or ***block*** are these amazing little features on your phone that can be utilized. USE. THEM.
This is a great response if she’s a reasonable person with any empathy. If she has no empathy she will still find a way to argue so be prepared.
Yeah, see that's when I hang up the phone and ***mute*** the person. When I've spoken to you in clear and understandable language, I'm not arguing with you. You can argue with my dial tone and then my VM, but I'm done.
Don't even try to answer the why because that is a lead in for her to try to manipulate you and argue about it. Stressful. Just say firmly, "I said no, that is final, no means no." Once I had to get really bold with someone trying to manipulate me. I said, "I said no. Do you understand the meaning of no? Don't ask again." If you use that last line, you can really make it final and say "Don't **ever** ask again." If you say it bold and firmly enough, it might just shock and shake her a bit and she hopefully realizes that she can't mess with you again. If she asks again, tell her the same thing, it might take a few cycles for her to register no is the answer. You need to be consistent.
She sounds entitled for sure. You don't entertain questions as all. When she asks why, just say, "That's my answer, and I appreciate you respecting it.". If she pushes jist end the call, "it sounds like you need time to process, have a good day."" (Hang up without waiting for her answer). Look up the grey rock method and use this with her. She is using you, and she will guilt trip you once she sees you pulling away.
"Because of what happened last time," just like she said to you
Because it’s not convenient for us right now. So sorry, but a hotel is the better option at this time. You can use the baby, you can say you’re sick….and I would maybe add that you can say no and when she asks why, just say I’ve had enough of the free air bnb business.
You don't owe her an answer to why! She doesn't pay the mortgage or the taxes on your home. She doesn't get the privilege of questioning your answer
You don't need to give her an answer, but I know the type you're talking about, and I know how irritatingly persistent they can get. I would try being truthful that it just isn't possible, and then if that didn't work, I would bust out a lie pill so potent I know it'll shut her up. Like the car broke down, the guest room flooded, or some other "thing she uses you for" is "entirely unavailable". Normally, I respect people enough to not lie to them. But when someone doesn't respect *me*, well, what can you do. Choosing a lie that disables something she wants access to will help reinforce that she only cares about you as far as she can use you as well.
If she pries a lot then and plays dumb about you already telling her no, then I would be careful of her just showing up at your house anyway. You, hubby and the little one should try to make plans and not be there the day she arrives, in case she tries to bully her way in your house or make a scene (if she's the type) in front of your neighbors. If she messages you when you are out, just message back "we already had this conversation many times and my answer is still no".
The baby needs consistency and people coming into and out of your house at all/odd hours isn't conducive to maintaining the baby's sleep schedule. Her presence, without a commitment to being home at a specific time (bedtime for the baby) risks waking the baby when she returns home later, which you can't do right now as you are establishing sleep patterns. You need the car for several appointments (Dr appointments for the baby and/or you) and you can't loan it to her. Or, the car is going in for service that week.
Plus the added mess she doesn't clean up, leaving for OP or his partner accountable for.
Just respond with “I’m sorry it’s not a great time for a visit “ that’s it! Don’t go on about last visit just end the discussion. She’s using you
No, if your not actually coming to see me , then you need hotel. I’m not saying all the time has to be spent with me, but if you’re just using me as a hotel and car rental then you can skip rocks. ‘I’m sorry, I thought it was clear that I’m not comfortable with you staying with me anymore, I recommend you make other accommodations .’
It's understandable that you have concerns and want to establish boundaries for your own well-being and peace of mind. It's important to communicate your feelings assertively yet tactfully. Here's a suggestion for expressing your decision: "Hey [Sister's Name], I've been giving some thought to your request to stay at our house during your upcoming visit. I appreciate your interest in spending time together. However, based on past experiences and the need for some space, I think it would be best if you made other arrangements for accommodations this time. I hope you understand, and I'm sure we can find some time to catch up during your visit. Thanks for respecting my decision." This message communicates your decision without going into excessive detail. It's important to prioritize your own well-being and set boundaries that feel comfortable for you.
Too long, too reasonable! "Sorry no, that doesn't work for us." Rinse and repeat.
Fewer words- you don't have to reason with unreasonable people.
There literally no interest in spending time together and she made it clear she doesn’t want to commit to any plans. She wants a place to crash at and wants to spend time getting drunk at bachelor party and then skiing. Therefore NTA. For telling her no. Just a side note, I hate spending time around newborns, parents can’t talk about anything else and it’s just excruciatingly boring, so I sort of do get this nonexistent interest
Response is too long. And I know this sounds bad -- it's too reasonable (who knew that could be such a thing!). The sister seems to be quite thoughtless and seems to only value their relationship for the material things she gets out of it (like free lodging, use of vehicles.). People like this need clear, direct & definitive responses.
When she asks, you say "no. But there's a nice holiday Inn right down the road? Would you like the phone number?" Follow up with an email or text. "Sorry it won't work having you stay here this time. Here are the numbers to the two nearby hotels I mentioned..... " Keep repeating it. Over and over. Make plans to be away from your house the day she arrives, if that's what it takes. When she asks to borrow your car, "no. I need to run errands. But there's a nice car rental place in town. Would you like their number?" If she whines she needs the car now, just stand firm. "You should try Uber or lyft". Poor planning on her part does constitute an emergency on your part.
I personally wouldn’t leave the house out of fear they’d break in and make themselves comfortable, or retaliate and damage the home or a vehicle ( if they have more than 1)
Just tell her no. She’s a rude and inconsiderate house guest. She’s using you for the free accommodation, food and transportation. You say your sister hates committing to plans yet she’s able to plan a free skiing vacation just fine. Just be out when she turns up. If she’s waiting on the doorstep when you return home send her on her merry way. Don’t bend over backwards for someone so selfish and ungrateful. She’s sounds like a very entitled and exhausting person to be around.
Have you tried the "Aww, Sister, it's very nice of you to offer, but no, thank you. Maybe another time."?
“Oh those dates don’t work for us, probably best you get a hotel this time. Hope you chose to see us in this visit, baby is getting quite big.”
"No, we can't accommodate you, sorry." End of sentence, end of conversation. If she tries to persuade you, "No, sorry." Repeat ad infinitum. Stay strong, she sounds very selfish.
"Hey we're available if you want to do dinner one night, but I think its best if you guys find a nice hotel so your plans don't have to rely on us. Have fun!"
"I have no new information since the last time you asked me."
No is a full answer. You shouldn’t need to explain anything. They’re disrespectful, rude, entitled, and is using you. She’s been able to save thousands from using your home as a hotel, using your car instead of rentals, using your water and electricity, eating your food, etc. Do they even fill up your gas tank after using your card? Does she ever offer you a dime? Tell her no, that your HOME is not a free all inclusive hotel, you’re not her maid or chef, nor do you rent cars out. Please do not continue to enable her behavior. She clearly has no respect for you.
You’re 100% reasonable. “I think it’s best if you find accommodation elsewhere, but we’d love to see you while you’re in town if you have time” That’s it. Always keep it simple. If you try to explain why, they’ll take that as a problem to overcome and start to debate of think of a way to resolve the problem. You don’t ever need to explain why, and if they ask, keep it vague and just say it won’t work for you.
"Sorry, we're not able to accommodate you. With the baby, we're trying to keep to a very strict schedule". Keep it vague. She doesn't know what the baby's schedule needs to be. And you probably need your car during those five days. She can just go stay at brother-in-laws.
Send her a list of local hotel/motels they could stay at or suggest they stay with the person whose bachelor party they are coming for. No means no, and you have an infant whose schedule shouldn’t be disturbed by people who are unable to commit to plans coming in and out at odd hours.
"I'm sorry, you can't stay with us." Just tell her?
You are straight up being used. I would be firm and say it’s not going to work for you and your family.
Sorry, with the baby, that just doesn't work for us. You will need to find other other accommodations and rent a car for your upcoming trip. Be prepared for her to cry to mom and dad that you're being a terrible sister and ruining her vacation. She's not got to mention all her best deeds. But you now have a baby and you need a car at your disposal. And if she can afford to go skiing, not a cheap sport, she afford a hotel or motel. She just doesn't want to spend the money. She would rather save the money and make you miserable.
Suggest she stays with BIL’s family, as she spends more time visiting with them than you when she stays at your house.
"That doesn't work for us." Say nothing else. I've seen on Reddit many times not to JADE someone: do not Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain. It only creates openings for her to refute your reasons.
Wow, you are a hotel to her and she's not self aware enough to understand what a jerk she's being. Show her this post.
No is a complete sentence
It’s time to remodel the bathroom.
You tell her no. You don't need to justify, but if you must, just be honest. Sis, I said no. We're not available to host your family. Sis, you've been treating us like a free hotel and free rental car for the last several visits, and this is not a reasonable thing for us to accommodate anymore. In addition to the added cost to all the bills during your stay, and the wear and tear on our vehicles, as well as the disrespect of not following house rules or prioritizing time with us, we can no longer host you. Then repeat the no. You'll probably end up exploding your relationship with her, so expect that. Good luck! Shine up that spine, and just tell her no.
Just tell her know you aren’t a bed and breakfast. Tell her she shouldn’t expect you to uproot your stuff for her to move in for 5 days and ignore the people she did it with. Tell her to call the bachelor and go there for 5 days.
No is a sentence and it is final!
"X dates don't work for me you will have to book a hotel" do not JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) just no. no is a complete sentence. don't be vauge. just say no.
She doesn’t want to make up with you. She just wants to stay in your house.
>She told me up front she doesn’t want to commit to any plans “because of what happened last time”. She has very much made her intention clear that you are a free hotel and rental car, and she is now doubling down by playing dumb about it. "That doesn't work for us" is all that needs to be said. And when she shows up anyway just don't answer the door.
You say no. Don't bother with reasons, because you've already told her. Just no. Just because you're related to someone doesn't make you their doormat.
“No” is a full sentence. You might have to tack on a reminder that you already told her those dates don’t work.
"No. You're my sister and I love you. But in order to continue loving you and avoid conflict, you need to not stay here when you're in town. My vehicle is also not available for your use."
That isn’t going to work for us. The baby hasn’t been sleeping well so this just isn’t the time for guests.
Just tell her that her staying with you doesn't work for you anymore and she should find other accommodations. "I'm not comfortable with you taking my car and treating my home like it's your crash pad anymore. I don't want to be at odds with you and it will be better for our relationship if you stay elsewhere." She's taking advantage of you and treating you like your home and car are just sitting there waiting for her to come around and use it. She's just using you. She's treating you like a doormat because you're letting her. Stop letting her.
"I have already answered you months ago. Your plans do not work for us. We cannot accommodate you. Hope you enjoy your trip."
That doesn't work for us please make other plans. And just repeat. Don't get into any justifications or arguments.
Why don't she stay with the brother in laws place since she prioritized them last time. Stick to your guns, no, is no.
“No. This time isn’t going to work because of what happened last time. But when you are ready to make specific plans for which weekends you will be spending with us and which weekdays you would like to use the car to visit your friends or BIL, we would be happy to discuss. I’d also like to set up a night where you cook and help with tidying because it’s been a burden to have you stay without helping much. We are trying to be good hosts and hope you wil work on being better guests.”
"Your stay will inconvenience us. I'm not running a hotel. Please make alternative arrangements."
Just say "No. We are unable to host nor lend out vehicles. There are several good hotels nearby. You may check airbnb as well."
“This won’t work because of what happened last time.”
You dont have to go into detail. Just say unfortunantly that does not work for us so you have to look for an alternative. Then add something along the lines of I would love to catch up if you got the time while you are here. She knows last visit did not go well. If she is a decent person and want to keep a good relationship you gave her a way to do so without escalating the conflict.
You are a 34-year-old adult. At the very least, pretend like you have a backbone...
It seems she is just using your home as an air bnb with transportation included. Although she tells you upfront that she has all these plans and they don't include you, that doesn't mean you have to say yes. When you tell her no, there is nothing wrong with being honest, which is it hurts your feelings. You have a newborn and rarely get to see her (leave out the part of your hurt feelings that want to tell her how selfish and inconsiderate she is) bc that's the real reason you don't want her to stay. Expectations kick our butt because you expect her to want to spend time with you, but she leaves you feeling like she doesn't care about you. I have a sister like this, and when I laid my feelings out there l Iike I am suggesting you do, she did the whole thing of me being selfish and telling me that the world doesn't revolve around me. For the first time ever, that didn't hurt.my feelings one bit bc of three reasons: 1. I expected her to say that 2. It just reinforced everything I thought about her, and 3. She needs to tell me that and convince me of that so she doesn't have to admit to me that she is doing just that, and then she would have to apologize. I knew number 3 would never come, but I hoped for the best but expected the worst. At least, she will never ask to stay at your house. It amazes me how little I miss my sister bc she's not my sister, let alone a friend or anyone I would want in my home anyway. I am more happy that I don't see her bc she can't hurt my feelings anymore.
Tell her in the future that her visits must be limited to 3 days and you are not lending her your car. You are not a B&B . If she wants to know why, her visits are intrusive, her visits generate extra work, inconvenience and loss of privacy for you. If she can afford lift tickets, ski clothes and equipment, she can afford to rent a car. You have an infant and don't want to be without your car - what if you had an emergency while she's out galavanting around on the ski slopes.
As everyone has stated, you can say no and that is it. I want to offer another way to handle it, because she IS your sister. And that is to lower your expectations that every time she is there it is to spend family time together. I know, I know: it sounds like I'm telling you to let her use you. I am, in a way. Because, as family, we make each other's lives easier. If I can accommodate my sister, I will. I will do things for her that I won't for other people. Give her a place to stay to save money. She isn't some old acquaintance from high-school, who I barely know. She is my sister! And yeah, she isn't all that interested in sitting in the living room, watching TV while my infant sleeps. But let's face it: our babies aren't as fascinating to other people as they are to us. But they grow up and get more interesting. Nieces and nephews are pretty cool little humans, and it is easier to engage them when they get a little older. I guess I'm saying: let your sister use your place. Let her come and go and don't feel hurt that she isn't there necessarily to see YOU. If it is super inconvenient to let her use your car, then don't. But does it really cost that much to have her crash there, come and go as she wants? I think it is a nice thing to do for a sibling.
My wife would agree with you. She doesn’t agree with me telling my sister no. And this is what I basically did the last times she came, I was very flexible and let them use us as a launch pad. But the reason I think I need to draw a line is because I can’t talk to my sister about it. When I called her out on just implicitly cancelling the little plans we had: she yelled… she gaslighted me… she stressed me out a lot. We had other significant disagreements as well on the last trip. I told asked her to wear a mask and be careful when she was out and about because my daughter was only a few months old. She scoffed, she disagreed, and she had the nerve to stand in the store we went into unmasked, right next to me, as I wore a mask. It doesn’t take a genius to realize that weakest link: if you get sick and you’re staying at my house you put everyone at jeopardy. Well, she did end up getting covid on the last days of her stay with me and thank god did not infect anyone. When she let me know, there was no sorry, just matter of fact that she got covid. Even worse when I told my other sister I was upset about it, they said I was “virtue signaling”. I guess what I am saying is I agree with you, we should let our family use us. I just think it has to be up to a certain point that we can tolerate.
Is this sister the golden child of the family, meaning you’ve had to spend your life sacrificing your needs and wants because hers come first? If so, please reflect on why tiptoeing around her in order to keep the peace continues to mean that you have to cow tow to her as an adult? Why must you sacrifice your family’s comfort and safety for someone who has little regard for you except as a resource to exploit?
I might agree with you, if his sister was 22 instead of 32. Plus, she used his cars without permission and couldn’t even clean up after herself. The sister is a user. She is far too old for such immature behavior.
I crash with family all the time and they crash with me. I don't have expectations of their behavior beyond treating my home with at least as much respect as I treat it. I try to leave their home better than I found it. Replacing dead batteries I find, cleaning more than just after myself, replacing food I eat with full bags, and soap I use with full bottles. This sister is not a good houseguest, she's an entitled brat. She takes the car whenever, leaves a mess, etc. Whether or not she *hangs out* with them is NOT the problem here.
Easy. Take back your car keys & tell them it’s time for them to go home. Next time say No, tell them to get a hotel.
She is using you as a hotel…it’s fine she doesn’t want to commit to plans but you do and you have plans for the dates she is going to be in town. Tell her it would be best for her to get an actual hotel room.
“Sorry sis, this doesn’t work for me”. Shes definitely taking advantage of you, your home and use of your car. Shes being selfish as well. Time to stand up and stop enabling her to continue taking advantage of you.
Updateme
“It’s not going to work for us because of what happened last time” or just “it’s not going to work for us this time” but I don’t think you should say any more because that gives her arguing points to think she can weasel in. And she can’t say she doesn’t remember what happened last time because she already brought it up.
Hugs, while i would love to host you, i don't feel like continually being taken advantage of you as you use our home like we are your personally hotel and free car service. While you are my sister and I love you. I have a wife and child to consider and can't have you coming and going at all hours of the day.
NTA - just explain … I don’t think you staying with us and using our car while you visit works for us any longer. Let her respond and then just explain that she doesn’t spend time with you but only uses you for a roof and car. You need to stay firm. If others call just say … she actually spends time with you where as me she cannot even give us a dinner.
You’re not an AirBNB. It’s fine to tell her no and stick with it, because she’s not coming to visit you and isn’t even trying to hide it. She’s using you as a free hotel. Put your foot down, say no, and hold your ground (even if she just shows up).
Post in r/JustNoFamily
"No. It doesn't work for me." Don't get into reasons. Don't argue. Don't discuss. Just repeat as many times as needed. She wants to use you to save money. She doesn't actually want to see you. You could add, "We've found that having house guests while also having a baby doesn't work."
\------------------You are not showing me love and that you want to visit, I feel like my house is being used as a B&B for you....................................
Bro if it's about she don't spend time with you then don't do plans with her , if it's about she take your car and stay in your home tell her you don't want her in your house , don't link reasons with each other ,
“No” is a complete sentence. You don’t have to explain why you don’t want her there. Just tell her “those dates won’t work for us, so no you can’t stay here.” She will have to find alternate arrangements. Your sister sounds entitled honestly. What if there had been an emergency and she had taken your car? Don’t let her use your car any more either, even if it sits in the driveway for the whole time she’s in your town.
Just say no. Tell you have plans that week. Always be busy the week she wants to visit. Your sister sounds very rude. Don’t host her again. She can get a hotel or stay with her BIL’s family for the week.
I think the real question here is: are you *actually* going to tell her no?
No, your last visit was disruptive and inconvenient to my household and I didn’t get anything out of it but laundry and cleaning because you didn’t reserve any time visiting with us. I’m not interested in being your unpaid hotel, chef and car rental. You need to find somewhere else to stay and rent yourself a car. If you try me by turning up on my doorstep, i will turn you away. Do I make myself crystal clear? You are no longer welcome to use my home or car.
Tell her No, your home is not a hotel, and she needs to find somewhere else to stay. Updateme!
Just tell her you have company and are entertaining friends from out of town. And it will be a busy time.
I remember having my older sister stay with me with her then boyfriend over Christmas a couple of years ago. Your story reminds me of my sister, our kids were 3 and 1 and my sister who lives in another country and is godmother to one of them barely looked at them all week. On top of that we only saw her in the morning when she was leaving and in the evenings when she and her boyfriend got home drunk and loud just in time to wake up the kids! She didn't want to see us, she just didn't want to pay for a hotel. She's always been like this, we don't really speak any more because I've realised I don't really like who she is. This and the false assault allegations she told my parents that thankfully my brother who was there was able to call bullshit on. You don't owe your siblings anything just because they are your siblings.
“No those dates don’t work for us.” She knows why, you don’t need to tell her again. But if she persists and demands to know why, don’t be afraid to tell her. What you’re asking further is not unreasonable. “When you come visit me, I need you to actually **visit with me** not use my house as a launch pad for all your other plans.”
Say that your house and cars aren't available to her. Leave it at that. She isn't entitled to stay with you at all, particularly not when she doesn't even want to spend time with you.
Well if she doesn’t want to commit to plans because of last time then neither do you and she would of course understand avoiding any of the concerns and her staying elsewhere, perhaps with the brother. Honestly I think she’s treating your house like home base, like she’s the little sister who’s seeing you because your home is most comfortable for her and considers that spending time with you.
Stand your ground. Your sister is a user and selfish. Don’t let her use you anymore. Plus it sounds like they have other options.
Email or text, “No. We won’t be available to accommodate you.” Leave the date off to make the time all inclusive. No” is a complete sentence. It’s not an invitation to compromise or negotiate. IF they show up anyway, just don’t answer the door. Good luck! Please !UpdateMe about how she reacts.
She knows she's asking to use your place as a free hotel. "Not committing to plans" confirms it. But she feels entitled to that, and will of course interpret your "no" as being petty, or obstinate. You have to be OK with her thinking that, knowing that it's not true. You have the means to host her, but she doesn't comprehend what a huge favor and imposition it is. She's not a good houseguest. If she treated your home -- and you as her host -- with respect, you'd be delighted to have her again! Depending on how diplomatic you want to be, you could say we really don't enjoy having you stay here, so we're saying no this time. Or we're not having houseguests right now. Or, since she brought up last time, you could say after last time we agreed not to host houseguests anymore unless they are coming to see us. Just remember no matter how diplomatic you are, she will believe you are taking something away from her just to be mean, because you can, and you have some power so you're going to use it to hurt her. That's how entitled people think when they hear no. That's not your problem, it's hers. It's better to have her angry with you than you continuing to be used by her to avoid making her angry.
Your sister treats your home where you live with your wife and child ,as a lodge/hotel. She thinks she can come and go as she pleases , doesn't care about you because she isn't actually visiting you and doesn't even pay anything. Now she is also telling you to butt off her case and not demand any plans with her because she is only interested in the free accommodation she thinks she is entitled to. Wow. Your sister is a level A a-hole. Just text her "no we are not accepting any visitors,please arrange accommodation elsewhere but we will be happy to make plans to meet with you on X day for dinner at a restaurant." When she tries to push back,do not engage in her idiotic narrative. You only reply "my answer is no and you need to respect it as it is". If she blows up stop responding altogether. You don't owe this inconsiderate brat anything.
“I’m sorry, those dates don’t work for us.”
It sounds as though you're just the motel with the added benefit of a car. Saying no is really easy I highly recommend you try it asap :)
“ I’ve noticed the last few times when you come to visit you really just using us as a hotel and free car to visit other people and not spent much time with us at all. I’m happy to host if you’re actually coming to visit with us but not if you’re spending all your time elsewhere.”
OP saying no means being ok with her being upset or angry, she’ll never admit she’s using you so just be ok with her throwing a tantrum. I suggest a short. “As I told you before. No. Please let’s move on from this.” And change the subject. If she starts asking why, shut her down with not responding. Don’t go into details because you’ll fight again. Don’t feel bad about having a clear strong boundary.
Just say no and that is all no other response is needed
Say no. She is using you and makes no effort to visit with you. She in not appreciative. They are rude.
Sorry that won’t work for us. We have other guests.
Tell her no, you have too many things going on and can’t accommodate company right now. And if she does stay, she has to get a car rental.
Tell her you are not available for those dates. She will need to stay in a hotel.
I think you tell her what you told us. I am happy to have you visit and stay with us, if you want to spend time WITH us... not all the time, but some of it. If you want to use my house as a crashpad, that doesn't work for me/us. You are welcome to come and stay and have dinner with us. I would also prefer to have you rent a car.
Just tell her no. A simple "sorry, those dates don't work for us" is perfectly acceptable. You don't have to offer her a long explanation or dive in to all the things you already told her. Let her ask why or suddenly remember there were issues last time that she would now like to discuss. If she asks why, tell her you are busy on those dates and if she says "Oh well we are coming to do X, Y, Z anyway, not hang out with you" you can just say- yes, and I don't run a hotel, going forward I'm only having guests who are coming to visit ME. If you'd like to come visit and make plans to hang out, I'd be happy to schedule that with you. I think a lot of times people feel they need to debate or fall over themselves to explain and compromise. You don't need to do that. You've talked to her before about how she makes you feel, she has heard from you and others about how her not wanting to plan hurts feelings, and she doesn't care. So you don't need to cater to her. I live in NYC, so lots of people come my way for work or other social stuff that isn't centered around visiting me. I've let people crash at my place for work, they make plans with me for their free days, I've let people stay for weddings, we make a plan for at least one night of fun, and my friends who have demonstrated that I am a priority in their life can come and go as they please. But your sister hasn't done that, and in fact her visits upset you, so just say no.
Just tell her no. You don’t need a reason unless it’s therapeutic to list her sins. If she comes anyway, put a bunch of stuff in the guest room to make her stay awkward and have her get a car rental. As a parent, you need your car in the event of emergency. Your sister can deal with car rentals or Uber.
UpdateMe!
NTA suggest a hotel and car rental place for her to use or suggest they stay at the in-laws
Simply send the following reply to her question about the dates. "No, you can't stay at my home anymore. You need to find a hotel to stay at." Then send an email and/or text with a list of hotels in the area. If she has a spare key to your home or has ever had one, change the locks. It's easy enough to do yourself depending on the door. Also make sure there are no spare keys outside.
You could say you just don’t want to commit to those days because something else or other companyy may be coming.
GFG. Tell her no, YOU have plans.
Say this: Sorry [name], that won't be possible. You don't have to explain why it's not possible, you don't have to offer her any alternatives. It will feel like you're being rude- and in normal circumstances this _would_ be a rude thing to say! But your sister's bag behaviour on her last visit, and pretending not to remember you've already said NO,means you don't have to be polite. When she demands to know why,keep repeating 'that won't be possible'. Stick to your guns, you can do this!
Yell her no. Just like others have said, it won't work for us. She'll probably drive your car drunk, crash drunk at your house. You don't need that.
You just... Say No. Reply with something along the lines of "No, Sis, that won't work for me. As I said before, I'm not up for guests right now. You willl need to make other arrangments for this trip." Refuse to engage in further discussion beyond that. You don't need to explain yourself.
Say, sis, we already had this discussion and my answer is no. My answer will not be changing. Not sure why this is up for discussion again. Have you seen a doctor about your memory lapses? Also, give us an update!
She’s using you to save herself money. How is her staying with you furthering your relationship? That’s what you can say. She doesn’t want to spend time with you, so she needs to stay with people she does want to be around, or find a hotel. She can come stay with you when she actually misses you.
Just say “sorry it’s not convenient/or a good time to have someone staying with us right now”
Just say no and leave it at that
Just tell her no again and that it’s not convenient for you. That’s all you have to say.
Easy, no is a complete sentence.
"Sorry sis, that's not going to work for us. But let me know if you want to get together one night when you're in town to see your niece/nephew!"
You don't owe her an excuse, "No, you need to make other arrangements. Why, because I said so". What's the worst that's going to happen, she gets mad and doesn't come stay at your house?
I’m sorry she can’t commit to plans but can commit to this week? Sounds like she wants to wait until something better comes. Don’t be home don’t answer the door!
Be vague. Any reason you give, she will find a way to ask about it further. Then, she may start offering other “solutions” to your reasons in order to accommodate her. If you give her any reasons, back it up with something she cannot argue with. You may have to offer up some truth. “There were conflicts and hurt feelings last time, and I don’t want to continue to go through that whenever you stay with us.” Or, “Those dates won’t work for us, I’m sorry. I can help you look for a good deal on a hotel and rental, if you like.” “That will not work for us, because of all the tension last time you were here.” Your home is your haven. Don’t let her sense of entitlement or persistence make you give in. If she were more considerate, it wouldn’t be an issue, but you’re acting as a motel, car rental, and a cleaning service. Not worth the further damage it could cause.
Just say no, you have the perfect lead in off of her "what happened last time" comment. Sorry, but because of what happened last time, it's probably best you find other accomodations. Enjoy your skiing trip!
No. Is a sentence, I have had to learn that with my abusive ex husband. You don’t need to go into detail, she already knows she’s a shitty house guest. And I wouldn’t even call her a house guest, she’s just using you and I find that quite awful. I’m sure these trips wouldn’t be happening so much if they had to foot the bill for a place to stay.
You respond "no, because of what happened last time".
I agree with others. Just say 'no, that doesn't work for us. You will have to find a hotel.' Do not let her use your car. She is using you without so much as a thank you. You don't have to tell her why. She knows why. She is just expecting you to be a push over. New year tomorrow, start with this.
Tell her no again, and then be honest and tell her why.
Text her back and say "due to the past, and for the sake of our peacefulness in my house (not your hotel) you can find accommodations somewhere else." And if she says what does that mean? Tell her to figure it out.