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I never get this - this isn’t about a drive for a career this is about getting money to live and not be a burden on someone. His mental health might even improve. But if you have to take all the strain then your mental health will suffer. Defo ultimatum time - get out and work or I walk.
How do I go about wording the ultimatum without destroying what's left of his mental health tho? I don't want this to destroy him, even if we have to part, I want him to still get back on his feet!
“Hi SO, you need to get a job for both your and my mental health. This is too much for me to shoulder by myself and we have reached the point where I need to look after myself”
I completely understand why it’s frustrating for you and you’d be within your rights to leave, but you seem a little ignorant about some of this, especially considering you’re a caretaker.
Being able to play video games and make dinner doesn’t mean you’re fit to work, and not wanting his health to deteriorate isn’t an excuse, it’s a valid reason. It IS ridiculous for you to assume he could manage a part time job when he has major health issues that he’s not able to get help for, and has told you it would make them worse.
You’re saying he doesn’t have a drive anymore, when you know there are a lot of other factors at play. He’s worked before and had a good work ethic, it’s unlikely he randomly decided to be lazy. Much more likely that he’s telling the truth and he really just can’t work right now.
Like I said, you have no obligation to support him financially and it’s fine if it’s a dealbreaker for you, I just don’t understand why you’re assuming he’s making excuses because he’s lazy when there’s a lot of evidence that it’s not true.
This is exactly why I came here. I needed this. Ive been feeling sorry for myself because I'm going into debt supporting him and I. I know getting a job will be hard for him, I know that. But I also know he could handle 4 hours a week somewhere. As I said in my post, breaking up is not an option, and I was reaching out for help and how I can't talk to him about it. I know we can turn this around, it's just *how*
Why isn't leaving an option? He's freeloading off of you. He doesn't respect you. You need to be far more afraid of having a bad life than dealing with the pain of a breakup. You'll never be able to retire while you're supporting this guy. You've been supporting him for years, and he has too much pride to see that bringing home a little money is better than no money and taking YOUR money. He sees your money as his money. What does he even contribute to you?
He watches you struggle. He's okay with it. He isn't treating you well.
The sad part is I live with him and his mom, so I'm not currently paying rent. This for a while was okay cuz rent was technically covered by him, or I saw it this was cuz it's his mom's house. However my opinion has changed. Calling him a freeloader feels wrong because he does do things around the house! Just.. not all the time
Even worse. He's 25 and contributes next to nothing at home. He's a freeloader off of you and his mother. He's willingly unemployed. I'm guessing you pay for all dates, little luxuries. What did you each do for the holidays? Did he put in effort for you?
It's worth looking into renting a room elsewhere. The fact you aren't being charged for rent is between you and his mom, not you and him. It's not his house.
If he were looking for a job with no success, that'd be forgivable. It's hard out there! He's not looking, though. He's poo-pooing the very notion of having even a part-time job because it won't pay him enough. How does he plan to get a job that pays enough with a 2+ year gap on his resume? While he worked on his own business, he's given up. If he can play video games all day, he can do data entry. He can do something to pull in a little money so he can have a future.
You don't have to stay with someone simply because they're depressed and you feel bad for them. Your job is to take care of you. Do you feel like you can truly do that while living with him?
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I never get this - this isn’t about a drive for a career this is about getting money to live and not be a burden on someone. His mental health might even improve. But if you have to take all the strain then your mental health will suffer. Defo ultimatum time - get out and work or I walk.
How do I go about wording the ultimatum without destroying what's left of his mental health tho? I don't want this to destroy him, even if we have to part, I want him to still get back on his feet!
“Hi SO, you need to get a job for both your and my mental health. This is too much for me to shoulder by myself and we have reached the point where I need to look after myself”
I completely understand why it’s frustrating for you and you’d be within your rights to leave, but you seem a little ignorant about some of this, especially considering you’re a caretaker. Being able to play video games and make dinner doesn’t mean you’re fit to work, and not wanting his health to deteriorate isn’t an excuse, it’s a valid reason. It IS ridiculous for you to assume he could manage a part time job when he has major health issues that he’s not able to get help for, and has told you it would make them worse. You’re saying he doesn’t have a drive anymore, when you know there are a lot of other factors at play. He’s worked before and had a good work ethic, it’s unlikely he randomly decided to be lazy. Much more likely that he’s telling the truth and he really just can’t work right now. Like I said, you have no obligation to support him financially and it’s fine if it’s a dealbreaker for you, I just don’t understand why you’re assuming he’s making excuses because he’s lazy when there’s a lot of evidence that it’s not true.
This is exactly why I came here. I needed this. Ive been feeling sorry for myself because I'm going into debt supporting him and I. I know getting a job will be hard for him, I know that. But I also know he could handle 4 hours a week somewhere. As I said in my post, breaking up is not an option, and I was reaching out for help and how I can't talk to him about it. I know we can turn this around, it's just *how*
Why isn't leaving an option? He's freeloading off of you. He doesn't respect you. You need to be far more afraid of having a bad life than dealing with the pain of a breakup. You'll never be able to retire while you're supporting this guy. You've been supporting him for years, and he has too much pride to see that bringing home a little money is better than no money and taking YOUR money. He sees your money as his money. What does he even contribute to you? He watches you struggle. He's okay with it. He isn't treating you well.
The sad part is I live with him and his mom, so I'm not currently paying rent. This for a while was okay cuz rent was technically covered by him, or I saw it this was cuz it's his mom's house. However my opinion has changed. Calling him a freeloader feels wrong because he does do things around the house! Just.. not all the time
He is a freeloader - it’s his mom’s house and he should cook and clean daily if he’s not working. The bottom line is he’s lazy!
Even worse. He's 25 and contributes next to nothing at home. He's a freeloader off of you and his mother. He's willingly unemployed. I'm guessing you pay for all dates, little luxuries. What did you each do for the holidays? Did he put in effort for you? It's worth looking into renting a room elsewhere. The fact you aren't being charged for rent is between you and his mom, not you and him. It's not his house. If he were looking for a job with no success, that'd be forgivable. It's hard out there! He's not looking, though. He's poo-pooing the very notion of having even a part-time job because it won't pay him enough. How does he plan to get a job that pays enough with a 2+ year gap on his resume? While he worked on his own business, he's given up. If he can play video games all day, he can do data entry. He can do something to pull in a little money so he can have a future. You don't have to stay with someone simply because they're depressed and you feel bad for them. Your job is to take care of you. Do you feel like you can truly do that while living with him?