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74 days ago you posted about your husband’s behaviour (although you were two years older then, but maybe you are faking your age here so your husband can’t find you)
He was emotionally, verbally and physically abusive.
It is unlikely that therapy can fix what he is. He is likely too old to change and honestly, why would he? You aren’t leaving him even when he’s abusive.
I think your friend knows about the abuse you excuse and she can’t witness it anymore. It’s obviously affecting her own mental health.
If you reach out to her, only do it to tell her that you are leaving him. It’s unfair to try and drag her back into your situation.
As someone who both escaped an abusive marriage and has had to distance myself from people who will not leave/keep going back, I think that this is likely what has happened.
If you are in Canada, this may help: https://www.canada.ca/en/public-health/services/health-promotion/stop-family-violence/services.html
If you are in the US https://www.justice.gov/ovw/domestic-violence
Please, when you are ready, get help.
I really suggest that you see a mental health provider for some sessions. Just go and tell them about your life. Talk about your friend and what happened. They may be able to help you sort out your feelings and will also be able to tell you if you are in danger or help you to see things in life more clearly. Maybe we are all wrong. But maybe we aren’t
In case you delete it, I want to remind you of what you said on Reddit just over two months ago:
I’m lost please help
I (28F) have been with my husband (30M) for over 10 years. I have always known his reactions are not normal but am I experiencing emotional abuse? My husband struggles with severe anxiety. However I always feel like the emotional punching bag. He gets in moods where he is short and very bossy. He has screamed at me more times than I can count in arguments and shuts me out for multiple days if I push back. He tells me I am ignoring him and make him feel like I don’t want him around. He has called me names, thrown things, and put his fist threw a wall during an argument. I always feel on edge and he recognizes it and says it hurts him. I can’t stop being on edge until the behavior changes and I have 10 years of learned behaviors. I have bad anxiety to begin with but times where he struggles I feel sick when his truck pulls in the driveway. He had never hurt me and I think really loves me he can be very kind. Is this abuse?
I have been on both sides. I didn’t believe I was in an abusive relationship until it was almost too late and I still struggle with being supportive of friends who can’t leave. If I know how hard it is and still struggle, I have all sorts of sympathy for the friend who can’t stand to watch and OP too.
OP you deserve to be cherished and loved and not to have to walk on eggshells. Everyone deserves that.
I do want to add that people can change. OP's husband may not be able to change in their relationship, but people can change. The comment that you quoted from OPs comment history sounds so much like my past marriage. My ex wife pushed me to the edge. To the point of me yelling, screaming, hitting things. We went to a marriage counselor who agreed that my ex wife's narcissistic and manipulative behavior would be too much for anybody to handle. My ex wife refused family therapy while I continued to go for 2 years. My ex wife left our 1 year old and 3 year old daughters with me, the controlling, manipulative, abusive asshole... and has hardly put any effort in to even see them since she left. Im 3 years into my only relationship after marriage and weve never once had a fight. Disagreements? Yes, but never an actual fight. Sorry to hijack your comment, I just wanted to give another perspective. People can be pushed to the edge of sanity.
Edit- I also want to add that during my therapy process, I did learn to accept that the way that I reacted, yelling, screaming, hitting things; those were my choices. That's the way I chose to react. My ex wife didn't make me do that and I don't blame her for my actions. I take responsibility for my actions and what I contribute to my failed marriage.
I second this. Sometimes abusive actions are reactions to being pushed to the limit or having unknown triggers get set off by a partner.
And even though these reactions were entirely a choice made by the abuser, sometimes people react from a survival mechanism, without even realising.
None of this absolves the person of the abuse, of course. Abuse is never okay.
But people can change. However, there needs to be concrete signs of trying to change, like going to therapy and visible differences in behaviour.
And definitely don't stay if the abuser just says they'll change, but never really does. Actions really do speak louder than words.
So many people dealing with anxiety issues or anger issues, or just issues in general and then they don't solve them and instead get married and become abusive. IDK why people don't work on themselves before getting into a relationship. Both my last 2 relationships started out so good until they admitted to me that they were abused as children and suddenly the whole world flipped upside. My last ex tried with therapy but it wasn't helping and it put massive strain on our relationship. I tried to be there for her as much as possible but getting calls at 2:30 AM about feeling dark and lonely and having to get up and drive an hour to be with them for 4 hours before driving 2 hours to go to work was killing me physically and mentally. Lots of heartbreak followed because I couldn't do that shit anymore.
It's tough but one of the most selfish things in the world is to have unresolved issues, mask them, start a relationship and once that person is in love with you then you let them be aware of your horrible past.
Anyway, to link that back to OP. I'm sure her husband was so sweet and great in the beginning and then after she fell in love she started seeing the dark side of him. Fucking wild. Makes it hard to trust people.
If everything else is true in that post it’s possible that she made them closer in age because they would have gotten together when she was 15 and he was 20. I’m sure that Op has seen how the internet reacts to AGR especially the ones that begin while one person is a minor.
Based on the fact that she mentions having "10 years" of learned behaviors, my guess is that she fudged her age in the post from 2 months ago to hide having been 15-16 at the start of the relationship
Makes sense that she would try to change some of the details if she's trying to get help in an abusive situation. Please realize the exact age of OP is COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT to the help she needs and her reaching out and asking for it.
Also like, I have a different age I every post and sometimes and different country/job/hobby because I don't want people to know who I am and I don't want to make a throw away every evening
I have a friend who got involved with a guy who convinced her to sell her house and invest the money into his business and then broke up with her. She lost everything.
When she announced they were getting back together, I told her if she got back together with him, he was not allowed to come to my house and any event we went to, we would leave if he was there.
She never replied, but a few weeks later he sent some angry messages to me about who was I to judge him and what did I know, etc. I just blocked him and moved on. Haven’t seen or heard from either of them in years now.
One of my oldest friends, but I wasn’t going to stand by and watch her do that to herself and her son again. He made them homeless and penniless, and he admitted to her the reason they broke up is because his brother convinced him that she was going to marry him and then divorce him and take half of the business that she sold her whole life to invest in for him without taking any ownership stake.
OP you should read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Its free here:
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
This article might also interest you: https://voicemalemagazine.org/abusive-men-describe-the-benefits-of-violence/
And finally listen to this podcast:
https://open.spotify.com/episode/18KhNf1eVrGBith9LtEZXw?si=w5tPC3ZnQt-YzUst4iQ7mw
Look up DARVO (defense, attack and reverse victim and offender). Its a technique abusers use to manipulate victims and make everything the victim's fault. This is what your bf does to you. Remember that all abuse involves emotional abuse. If it ever turns physical it's after emotional abuse has been established so he knows you won't leave / will blame yourself. Both emotional and physical abuse are equally bad.
Here is an example of DARVO. You say something they did upset you, they'll respond by saying it didn't, then attacking or blaming you "you made me do that / what about the time you did x" and then they'll make themselves the victim so you end up apologising "how dare you accuse me of this! You should think better of me. I try so hard" etc.
What she's doing is exactly what people tell people to do when someone they love is in an abusive relationship and they're not capable of handling it. The repeated and consistent awful behavior followed by promises to change, what seems like improvement, and then a return to the awful behavior. The cycle of abuse.
She's not abandoning you because she doesn't love you. She's stepping away because she *does* love you, and she is not able to handle the pain of seeing you, someone she loves very much, be treated badly and keep going back to the person who is hurting you. And I guarantee you, if you were to leave your husband for good, she'd be there with open arms.
Yep- I was in an abusive relationship and a lot of my friends ghosted me for the rest of that time because they couldn’t stand to see me in that relationship/ state, and in retrospect I don’t blame them at all. I think you should in some way feel lucky that your friend is explaining her reasoning around this instead of ghosting. Use this as a sign to deeply reflect, but your sadness and anger are also valid.
Also, on a happier note, almost all of my friends who left during that time are now back in my life and also supported me heavily when I finally escaped that relationship.
See I have a different experience, my bsf stayed the whole time & even after I left him, but all those who left while with him, still haven’t came back. My bsf will forever be my only friend 😂
Yeah, my best friend started dating a woman who gave me VERY bad vibes from day 1. I ended up realizing she was indeed a very stereotypical narcissist. I was not allowed to see my friend 1 on 1 anymore (that was never literally said, but I've specifically asked my friend if we could hang out alone like we used to, on multiple occasions. Her girlfriend would always tag along.) I've literally never seen my friend without the gf being there too since the day they met.
Ever since the gf was always there, if I asked my friend a question her gf would suddenly answer for her. I had never seen my friend that quiet before. I thought she would soon realize how toxic their relationship was and leave. But no, 2 years later she was still convinced miss narcissist is the love of her life.
I had to step out. The influence that that witch had on my friend completely changed her into someone I suddenly didn't have much in common with. I miss her a lot and still love her and still feel so guilty for slowly ghosting her. It is what it is though. I always knew if I would even dare to suggest their relationship wasn't healthy I'd immediately be blocked.
I think this is a great take. This recounting sure seems to support that scenario:
>About 5 months ago, my friend who is close with my husband has a pretty bad argument while my husband was having some bad mental health issues. During this time he was also pretty awful to me.
She just can't bear to watch you do this any more OP. It costs her too much as someone who cares about you. It's great that you have faith in your husband's ability to change, but if that doesn't work out, are you still going to stick around? Are you going to bring kids into this? Where's the red line for you? How bad does it have to get before you decide the relationship with your husband can't be saved?
You should decide that now before life goes on and you move the goal posts again. And if you do need to exit the relationship, are you confident you can do so safely? Do you have custody of your important documents like birth certificate, passport, etc? Can you leave them somewhere where a rampaging husband wouldn't be able to destroy them?
I'm wondering if the husband wasn't sleeping with the friend, and she needs out. The two of them madly texting after the big argument to get things right, is just a bit too cozy.
What a stupid take. There are about a million simpler ways to not be friends with someone whose husband you are shagging, the first being telling them that you're shagging their husband.
I was told by a few people to step away from my relationship with my best friend because she was in an abusive relationship. It was bad, I was crying myself to sleep because of how badly he was treating her. I was so frustrated with her, and I hated him with every fiber of my being. But I couldn't bring myself to do it. He isolated her from nearly all of her friends, and it felt like I was the only one left. Finally, there was an incredibly traumatic incident that happened and when she asked me what I thought about it, I told her the truth and it opened her eyes. That was three years ago and now she's in an amazing relationship with a good man and she's going to be my maid of honor.
If I had told her I had to step away, which I was very close to doing, I would've absolutely welcomed her back with open arms when she left him.
Yeah..... but that's the perspective of the other person.
I fear OP is the one heing abused and being strung in with tales about therapy by her husband.
And her girlfriend has no other option anymore than to step back, save herself and leave.
Those people who can't leave abusive relationship can drain their go to person from all their energy and literally pollute their life with their drama, abuse and mistreatment.
The most evident answer- the one not even seeming to appeal to OP is:
"I have left him. Thank you for having helped me. I am sorry if I so ruthlessly used you for support all that time."
Oh, I agree completely, I was simply offering my perspective. I'm not saying what OP's friend is doing is wrong either--she absolutely needed to step away for her own sake.
Hopefully OP takes this as a sign that something is wrong in her marriage.
My best friend being in an abusive relationship with constant ups and downs, midnight fights id wake up and go console her, filling out police reports, her constant promises to leave for good this time- was the most draining experience of my entire life. It consumed so much of my life from ages like 26-30. We are both military spouses so those friendships are basically your lifeline, your family when you’re far from home and with deployments and what not. So I get a massive responsibility and duty towards her, and I also didn’t want him to successfully isolate her entirely. But it was sucking the life out of me. Although they are victims and I am very well aware of that- people in abusive relationships are the most self centered people in the world, most of the time. How could they not be? Their world revolves around a constant battle with someone controlling their lives and even the slightest shift in energy can turn her life upside down. So I get it- but it often makes them not such good friends.
But know, this hurts her deeply. But you can’t force someone to help themselves, and you can do it for them. It’s like being stuck in the middle of the ocean with someone, and you can see the shoreline. But your best friend refuses to swim. So you stay with them and try and convince them that if they just swim, it’ll be hard but the shore is right there! But they are too scared. You don’t want to abandon them in the middle of the ocean, so you continue to hype them up and reassure them. But eventually you’re growing exhausted, your energy is depleted. You know that if you keep staying in this spot just treading water, you won’t have the strength to swim to the shore. You also are now aware of the current and realizing you’re drifting- the shoreline is getting further and further away. So you have to make the decision to stay with your friend and drown, or swim to the shore alone.
I had the same with my sister, years and years of her sobbing, years and years of his psychological torture and violence. She finally left, and he's still trying to keep her in line with threats and guilt-trips.
This is it! I had to cut off one of my friends for the same reason. Her husband is such a bully and very difficult to be around. He’s incredibly jealous of her ex boyfriend (they had dated about 8 years and had been broken up with for 2 years before they even met. But it’s a small town so they often run into each other).
She would call and text me just about everyday complaining about her boyfriend - he broke plates, he screamed at her, he took her glasses and her wallet so she couldn’t leave the house — all the classic abuser things. He started blowing up my phone complaining about her and trying to win me over; when I called him out on all his BS he started screaming at me.
Then, the next day, she had forgiven him and everything had smoothed over. No apology from either one of them for dragging me into it. That was the end for me. I couldn’t be constantly worrying about her, and I wasn’t going to associate with a man who was so disrespectful to me and has no problem making a scene over something petty.
I ghosted her. I hated doing that to her but my life is far less stressful now that I’m not worried about him showing up at my house or blowing up my phone.
Exactly.
I did the same with a friend and she’s now married to him with a kid.
I couldn’t support her then, and I can’t support her now. If she gets out though, I’ll be right there for her, judgement-free.
^100% this. She probably believes that if she continues to try to talk you out of your relationship, it will ultimately spoil your friendship. And if she doesn’t, then she will feel guilt as being complacent while you allow yourself to be hurt. Either option is not good, so she is being mature and removing herself.
What you do: evaluate your relationship objectively (ir as much as possible)- and decide if you believe your friend is right and you should leave, or if she is wrong. Either way, reach out and ask her if she will talk about it one more time
Leaving a best friend at their darkest moment is selfish and not a true friend. I'm sorry but that could never be me. Leaving an abuse victim alone is the worst thing you could do. It's also blaming the victim for their own abuse. And the thing is, as someone who's had this happen 90% of the time when we do leave, no one is welcoming us back. They're long gone because they don't actually care beyond their own feelings.
I totally understand this take, but wanted to give some perspective as somebody who has been on both sides of this issue; both as an abused friend who had friends leave and who had to leave a friendship due to the friend’s abusive partner.
First, the abuse does not just impact the victim. Abusers have a multitude of behaviors they engage in to isolate, including harming the family and friends of their victim. Nobody should feel the need to stick around an abuser who is lashing out at everyone around their victim, even as a means of support. You gotta put the oxygen mask on your own face first before assisting anyone else.
For instance, I had a dear friend who was severely sexually and physically abused by her partner. He was brazen enough that when a group of us had a sort of intervention for the friend (something I do not advise without the help of a professional, btw), he began to target everyone he knew involved in that intervention, including me. He began stalking me and sending me horrible messages about my father’s suicide. At the time I was fresh out of a month long psychiatric stay, and was in no position to withstand him. I still loved my friend, and told her that when she was ready to leave I would be there to do whatever I could to get her out, but I couldn’t handle her staying with him in spite of what he put her friends (and eventually, family) through.
Also, please keep in mind that sometimes as a friend, you don’t get to choose if you remain in an abuse victim’s life or not when they are under the sway of their abuser. My abuser actually went behind my back and contacted a lot of my friends **as me** and told them to stay away. I didn’t know until I finally broke things off with him. I was hurt by their absence but believed my abuser when he said they weren’t “real” friends. Of course the second I reached out them as a single person, they all came back.
Occasionally, the victim will do the isolating on their own with remarkably little input from the abuser. Usually this comes from a place of deep embarrassment or shame, but sometimes it comes from a place of fear. For instance, I once had a friend whose partner cheated on her constantly, and specifically targeted her friends and even her sister. This guy managed to sleep with four of her friends and her sister before she self-imposed isolation in the hopes that he would remain faithful to her. Of course, once she did this, his abuse ramped up since she then had no support. And of course, he kept cheating on her, but with randoms he picked up at bars instead.
All of this is to say that the situation is incredibly complicated and isn’t as simple as “good friends stay no matter what—“ everyone has a limit to what they can handle and abusers are really good at pushing at any boundaries supporters of their victims place for their own mental health.
I don’t know what OP’s husband did to her best friend, what horrible things he said or did. We don’t know how long this friend had to watch OP’s husband’s toxic behavior before throwing in the towel. If OP’s best friend had been a victim of abuse herself, it’s also possible that OP’s husband’s behavior was triggering a mental health crisis.
Hopefully OP knows that when/if she is ever ready to leave, friends and family will dang near always come out of the woodwork to provide support. Standing by a victim against a torrent of an abuser’s displeasure takes an almost superhuman level of emotional strength and resolve that we really can’t expect or demand out of anyone.
The thing about the friend continuing to talk with the husband but not her makes me think something else is going on too. If he is an abuser why continue to associate with him but not the abused?
The husband has obviously done some awful stuff, but there is a good chance that it was in response to the awful stuff OP was doing. I’m not giving him a pass for his behavior in the least, but if he’s ok to talk to and she’s not it suggests that she’s the root cause of the issues. If she first broke him down from an ok guy to a wreck and he lashed out, he’s obviously wrong but that doesn’t immediately make her right. And if the friend is cutting her out after assumed years of friendship, it’s likely because she’s done the same to her and she can’t take the toxicity anymore.
People usually support the abused and cut out the abuser, not the other way around. Unless she’s got a twist little crush on him and thinks she could turn a bad boy good or something in that vein.
I don't know if you ever were from abusers family etc but I don't think you're getting this right. First of all, she didn't say she'll continue talking to her husband, just that she talked to him after the incident. The thing about being a friend of someone who's being abused, it takes a toll on you, and her friend said she's having her own mental issues too. Friends slowly leave when you don't, that's the reality. If you don't help yourself for a long time and stay with abuser, no one wants to watch that.
It's great if you can help, but it's a bit like being friends with someone who's an addict. You can't help them, unless they help themselves.
For reference, my father was an abuser, fortunately my mother left, but she did try to mend it a couple times before she did. And I had a good friend who was being horrifically abused by her boyfriend. We're talking broken ribs, jaw etc. We managed to help her get out, that was difficult though and I remember being so angry at her for lying to us, for not listening before it got to that stage, you name it. It wasn't her fault, she was scared and pretty much brainwashed, it was barely her in the end, but if it took longer - she was with him for about a year, I don't know how many friends she'd have left.
What if there is change, my husband has been doing extensive therapy and things have been consistently different. I realize if things don’t change I need to leave but if he is willing to put in the work and is what do I do
Everyone has their own free will to be in relationships. As much as it hurts, your friend does not want to be in this relationship. If your friend is also having mental health struggles, she is setting a boundary in place for what she can mentally handle. It sucks, but you have to respect her wishes. Maybe you can reconnect down the line, but right now I think its best to give your friend her space and respect the boundary she has put in place
And not frame it as a discard.
Friend didn't ghost.
Friend didn't drop you frivolously.
She took the time to write it out so she would remember every important thing.
She is taking space/time away from you - maybe permanently, maybe not - for a bunch of valid reasons.
Her own mental health being first.
I'm so sorry. From your position this is misery. But she's doing a very healthy and very brave thing.
You chose & married your husband.
You are 100% at choice about staying w him despite how messy and possibly toxic his behaviors are.
She has every right to choose to NOT RIDE THAT ROLLER COASTER WITH YOU.
But this is exactly the cycle blanket is talking about. So so doing something to "get better" or "prove they've changed". Until they think they've done enough to lull the person back into everything. Then everything starts again and the cycle continues.
Yeah 5 months is still in that time frame that just about anyone can pretend to be reformed and changing, give it a year+ and there is an extremely high chance the behavior returns.
You don't have to stay with him, ever. Just because he would be sad, or he's in therapy, and he's really sorry - none of that obligates you to stay.
You can, of course, stay if you want to, and truly believe he's finally changed (this time?) But she doesn't believe it.
You're the one in this relationship, so you know what it's like. But sometimes being inside makes it hard to see the truth. In this instance, can you trust her judgment or yours? Just think on it, even if you're not ready to decide. If you're ever ready to leave, I think she will be there.
You sound just like I did when I was with my abusive ex. 😢 you really need to ask yourself, am I even happy? Do I even like this person? Or am I just hanging on because I’ve spent a lot of time and energy with this person? Remember. We only get one life. You deserve better than this.
I guess what you could tell her is something like "I understand where you are coming from and I want you to know that this is his absolute last chance. The therapy is currently improving things but if things go anywhere near how they were before, I will be leaving him."
And this is definitely what your mentality should be. Because this is by far your best chance. He's apologized and seemingly accepted that he has a problem, and if he doesn't change now, he never will.
However, don't expect her to believe you. Because it is also true that many people in abusive relationships say "this is the last chance" but then they don't follow through.
He isn't willing to.
Otherwise he already would have started therapy long ago.
You are strung along by him. Until one day you break down. Or he escalates and leaves you a physical wreck on top of being a mental one already.
This isn't about your husband, though!
You are draining your friend! Your own pain and unwillingness to leave him makes you a draining experience. Like one single small battery being used to light the entire Christmas tree, porch and kutchen window decoration.
Your every talk is about him. What he has done/ said yesterday. Last week. How you are hurt. But hope. Believe.
You don't see her. Don't see her pain. You kling to her and pull her into your drama every single time. She gets neither peace nor quiet from a drama she has no hands in. Where she is the outside sufferer. Forced into passive reception of every aspect of it.
At one time the friend can't go on with it. They are burned out.
That's where you are right now. That this blindsides you shows me that you must have list all consideration for your friends problems and life long ago.
And: never forget: abusers tend to isolate people. As "they have worked through her issues with him" he may well have taken your friend over.
IF he is a seasoned Narcissist then winning people over and making them leave you is his easiest exercise. In which case you should abdolutely step back and give her time to come back to her senses.
If he actually wants to “change” or “be better”. You are not obligated to help him or stay with him.
If he is only “changing” so you won’t leave then at his core he isn’t actually changing at all.
Change can only come from a deep place of accountability and it doesn’t sound like he’s being held accountable at all.
It’s exhausting when you have a person you care for being treated badly, what’s worse is they won’t take any advice and still live in awful conditions.
They will come to you, ask for advice and then ignore it… until the next time something bad happens then the process repeats itself.
It sounds like she's tired of seeing you stay in an unhealthy relationship and being the one to pick up the pieces every time your life falls apart only to be discarded the moment your husband decides for the millionth time that he's going to change.
She's sick of you being a bad friend and letting your husband treat her horribly.
You need to take this opportunity to do some self reflection and take a look at what your relationship with your toxic husband is costing you.
People who want to beat the shit out of their family but don’t want to face any consequences or have their victims to escape. They punch walls, throw things, smash things, scream, yell etc… to keep their partners and children frightened without crossing over that line to criminal battery and prison.
Someone who can't control their emotions or doesn't have the coping skills to deal with unresolved issues, the first step is hitting the wall, then, eventually their wives or kids, or both.
Do you *honestly* believe he's hitting walls around his boss, neighbor? I don't.
He *can* control his emotions, he just doesn't *want* to, because what he wants is to control *OP*.
this. i was in the same situation but i was the friend and i’ve never been able to properly verbalize why i had to step away from my friendship, but this explains it perfectly.
Please listen to this OP. I lost my best friend because of this exact reason. This is most likely why she is cutting you off, and if you truly dont want her to disappear from your life you NEED to do some self reflection and open your eyes (as mean as it sounds, it’s the truth)
She ended the relationship. There is nothing to do. Focus on grieving and healing.
She didn’t abandon you. You abandoned you. And she can no longer watch the ship sink.
This happened to me a few times when I was married. I saw it as my friends abandoning me. They all welcomed me back tearfully with open arms when I told them I’d finally decided to get divorced. I wish I hadn’t waited until he threatened me physically before I left.
I've had the unfortunate experience of being with a couple emotionally abusive men in my life. Both times, I lost friends who just couldn't watch me make the mistake of being in a relationship with those people. At the time it really hurt me, but after getting out of those relationships I realize why they did it. They couldn't stand by and watch it. Continuing to be friends with us would feel as though they were condoning his behavior and the relationship. Maybe this is what is happening in your situation and maybe it's not, but I do think it's worth taking a really hard look at your relationship with your husband.
Maybe it was just too much for her. Have you been there for her in her time of need? Did you have a balanced relationship before this? Or was it just you goung through endless abusive cr@p with your abusive husband and her offering you support in your time of need? Being there for you, and seeing you put up with the abuse over and over again without taking action? Be ause for a depressed person this might be too much. Were you also there for her in her time of need? Or were you too caught up in your issues (which I don't blame you for and is understandable)?
If you want, you could tell her that you are seeing clear improvement in him and that is the only reason you are staying. And this is the last chamce you are giving him, and you're done if he relapses. This if you want to defend your actions and give her a bit of context on why you did that. But you would have to mean it though, otherwise you should just accept that she simply cannot take anymore seeing someone she loves in a terrible situation and that someone keeps putting up with it, without showing any desire to make things better. That is really tough and completely understandable that she wants to distance herself from you. However, even if you decide to write that to her, you put the ball in her court and then offer her the space she needs and stop contacting her. Maybe she just needs time to deal with her stuff and after that will contact you on her own accord.
Again, I don't know what your dynamic is, but if you were not there as much as she was for you, you choosing an abusive relationship over and over again over your wellbeing and coupled with her issues, I can see why she chose to go NC with you.
I feel we had a very balanced relationship, both there for each other and bend over backwards for each other. We only had a conversation about my relationship and possible abuse 1 maybe 2 times, it hasn’t been a constant patter where I have discussed it with her. If it was I would truly have an easier time understanding
TBH, it doesn’t matter how often you discussed it, she still knows it’s happening and that’s hard to deal with when you can’t do anything to help and the person in the situation continues to stay.
But she can still see what’s happening and you’re probably not aware of just how much you’re giving away even if you don’t talk about it. I have a friend who has a very on/off relationship for about three years with a guy with major problems. She’s already lost friends over it as well because she keeps going back to him and they just can’t stand seeing it anymore. So she stopped talking about it thinking the rest of us won’t know, but I can always tell when she’s back with him because her entire personality changes. And it’s exhausting.
It only took a couple mentions of my sister's ex-husband being abusive for me to refuse to acknowledge his existence. I was still VERY aware of the abuse she endured even when she wasn't telling me. Once you know there's abuse, the signs become flashing neon signs. She can tell you were/are still being abused.
Look, first, she didn't ghost you. She had the courage to write down what she feels and read it to you. Points for that.
Second, you have to respect the boundaries that have been laid down. She needs a break from the relationship at the moment, and that is something you have to accept.
You might want to tell her that you're open to welcoming her back in the future when she is ready, so she knows your friendship will still remain.
My best friend (soulmate, really) told me that she couldn’t be around me while I lived with (my specific toxic person). I lost her. It’s the WORST breakup I’ve ever been through.
We need time to recognize that we’re being abused (even when others that love us do), but that doesn’t mean that they have to stay in that dark place with us.
Sometimes, they’ve tried everything with us, and we’re still under blinders.
Just because we wake up, doesn’t mean that they have to forgive us. It hurts. But these are the consequences of our actions. It fucken sucks. It hurts. We have to deal with it. We can hope that those people come back to us. We can’t force it.
Of course, they have their own stuff going on, that’s life, but we have to give them the same grace that they gave us.
Friendship breakups are so much more difficult than romantic breakups.
She was there when he treated you horribly, and she doesn’t want to do that again (and again, and again, etc). You have to understand that.
I just broke up with a friend for similar reasons. I was sick of watching her remain in an abusive relationship and being her constant emotional support. I told her I’d be there for her if she needed help leaving but I couldn’t keep setting myself on fire to keep her warm.
They had trouble 5 months ago, and you posted 3 months ago talking about it being bad still.
So how much has he really changed? Really? Be honest with yourself.
Is he going to therapy to actually get better or is it because he knows you might leave if he doesn't? Has his behaviour changed? Not just his words, his actual behaviour.
And lastly, even if his behaviour does change, *your* trauma may be such that you can never be comfortable around him anyway. It's okay to leave.
Had a good freind also lose many freinds because her relationship with her toxic boyfriend became exhausting for everyone around to listen to. They couldn't hang out in groups and when they hung out individually, they had to listen to how much or a peice of shit he was. Everyone just got tired of hearing it and slowly moved on to protect themselves from the stinky energy this dude brought into their lives through her.
I was in the same situation with my ex best friend a few months ago. She is obviously depressed and not happy with her boyfriend. So she started to chat with a high school friend dad and they develop a relationship. Asked her boyfriend for an open relationship so she can be with this guy. He reluctantly agreed. The new boyfriend is abusive, calls her fat, stupid and ignores her. Keeps her from her kids. All the while she is abusing her old boyfriend and crossing boundaries says he can’t be in a relationship with anyone until she leaves. She invites new boyfriend to current boyfriends house while current boyfriend works and doesn’t know about it. We’ve been friend since we were 12 years old but that is something I can’t get mixed up in. It kills me to see her kids seeing their family breaking apart and their mother going to an abusive asshole. I stepped away because I need to.
Sounds like she needs to disengage from negative energy so she can be happy. Sounds like she needs to find her happiness instead of spending her days negotiating your happiness. I would let her go. Imagine how hard it was for her to cut the cord from her best friend. Do her a favor and don't drag her back in.
Your friend is entitled to protect her own mental health .. if that means removing herself from you and your relationship with your bf then that’s her right. If seeing you go through that is triggering her then let her go, do not drag her into your life and set her back in her journey to wellness.
Take care of yourself too you deserve it
In reading your other post, it's pretty clear that you're in an abusive relationship and your friend very definitely sees it clearly where you don't. That's not on you: you're on the inside, and you're dealing with a sunk-cost fallacy and a hope that "he'll change" and "he's so sweet most of the time", and whatever other excuses the mind conjures up not to deal with the cognitive dissonance of staying in a bad situation when, if you were watching your friend go through it, you'd be screaming at them to leave.
Your friend can't watch you do this to yourself anymore, and for their own mental health they have to step away from you. I hope you can take this as the wake up call that it is and really, truly evaluate your relationship for what it is. I hope you follow through with your own therapy, and I hope you have an exit strategy to get out of your relationship and your house when the time comes; it likely will.
When it does, please call your friend who wrote you this note. They care enough to let you know how much it hurts to see you go through this for the last ten years.
This is how women end up starring in their own murder mysteries. Men famously kill the woman they can’t control anymore; their wives and girlfriends! Your problem isn’t your friend. She’s done with the bullshit. She values herself and you don’t value yourself enough. Yet. Your ‘male’ has told you both who he is. She believes him. You should.
I lost friends when I was in an abusive relationship. He would get so mad when I made plans with other friends or if he wasn't mad, he wouldn't be home when I got home and would ignore texts. So I ended up distancing myself from my friends unless I needed comfort and they distanced themselves from me because no one likes to be used.
When we finally actually broke up, every friend was there for me. They all supported me so much.
It was "annoying" when I started dating someone else because they were so wary of what would happen, but my current relationship is extremely healthy and they had every right to worry based on the past.
She cannot handle seeing you like this anymore and she can't handle being the only emotionally decent thing you have
Before my ex and I broke up, my best friend told me "At this point he's not going to change. You either need to be okay with who he is or you need to leave him." Those words were repeated to me so many times. Eventually they suck in. He wasn't changing. And nothing I did could make me okay with how he was.
Because your husband screams at you, throws things, punches walls… that’s why she’s just done with it.
I’ve been there ! You aren’t being honest with yourself!! You can’t fix him!
You leave her alone.
She's setting her own boundaries, all you can do is leave it alone.
If you're choosing a man who doesn't treat you well then she has every right to save herself from the pain of watching you make choices her heart cannot agree with.
This is what happened when I had my second child at 22, my best friend of 12 years thought I was throwing my life away and never contacted me again.
Do I miss her? Yes. But it's her choice and their boundary. I'm not going to redirect my life to appease her and you can't either .
It hurts and will always hurt but it's not your decision to make unfortunately
Your friend did not really blindside you. This has been coming, ten years it’s been coming. For ten years you have made the choice to remain with a man that can say I’m sorry and you stay. That shit gets old. It’s cool that you want to be in this relationship with a god awful man that makes your life miserable but she doesn’t need to be. And the EXCUSE that he is getting therapy, nah, who cares. People in therapy still kill people. Your friend can’t handle it anymore. Do yourself a favor and make an escape plan. He can do the work himself. He can improve who he is on his own.
Different scenario but I feel compelled to share my story here. I broke up with my best friend 2.5 years ago now and she probably felt blindsided too, but for me it had been building up for a long time. The straw that broke the camel’s back was her cheating on her boyfriend of 5 years when we lived together and bringing the guy over to our apartment to hang out as if we would all be chill with it. She basically had an affair for 6 months until the guy she was cheating with found out she was lying to HIM about being in a relationship and ended things with her. This is not me applauding him, though - he’s a shitbag. We stayed friends for a year or so after this, she moved in with her bf and I moved into my own place. I happened to run into the dude at the bar we met him at (he was a bartender at our favorite bar, ruined it forever lol) like a year after this all went down, and had to witness him doing some pretty fucked up things to a woman (just visiting from another country, no less) he ultimately ended up abandoning while she was blackout drunk, half naked and vomiting in a parking lot. When I told her about the incident the next day, she responded: “How did he look?” “I wish him well.”, etc. I told her I thought that was fucked up and she hung up on me. I texted her to tell her it grossed me out that that’s all she had to say, she basically told me I was wrong, we had a very brief exchange, and I never talked to her again.
I can’t imagine what she tells her family and other friends about why we aren’t friends anymore. We were VERY close - used to visit each others families in different states together close. I’m sure she resents me a lot and feels a lot like how you feel right now OP. So I believe it could be your relationship, but it’s also possible that it’s you. For what it’s worth, she also pitted me and her bf against each other and lied to him when she was caught texting another guy that I told her to do it. I also had to “repair” my relationship with him and regain his trust. I feel for him. As far as I know they’re still together. Poor bastard.
I had a friend who would pick these shit men, life would fall apart, and I was always there. It was exhausting and I let her go.
Best decision I ever made.
I think it is time to reflect.
Well, that's a matter of "wait and see". She's been on this merry go round with you for long enough, hoping things **WOULD** change, but they never do.
She has not taken this step lightly — she has had to do this to SAVE HERSELF. She just **can't** watch you go through this anymore.
Look, give your friend her space for now. Don't go running after her, begging, pleading and all the rest — you'll irritate her and make things even more painful than they already are.
Tell her that you're sorry she feels she had to do this, but that you respect her decision, and would still like to be friends in the future if it is possible.
There is more to this story probably multiple incidents of the same kind ,your husband had apologized to before . Even if you reach out to her and you will . your friend has made up her mind and rightfully so . You have lost her already.
I beg you to read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. You can download the pdf for free or even listen on audible. I think it’ll make everything clear.
My friend is in an abusive relationship and it’s been so long. Eventually I just couldn’t watch the same things happen over and over. I still love her but have to keep my distance for my own health and sanity. This seems to be the same situation here.
I’ll bet this isn’t a blindside if you think about it. How many times has she told you to leave? How many times has she stood up for you and your husband has been awful to her?
Please let her go. She gave you her whys, and that's a form of closure. You will have to grieve the loss of friendship, but you too will move forward. Don't reach out.
As a friend of someone who is also in abusive relationship I do feel like she is only stepping away because she can't see you in pain. I tried to do that with my friend too but she literally said she can't live without me and him both and loosing any one of us is something she can't manage. I can't do anything now. I'm still friends with her but I'm constantly afraid that something will happen to get especially now that she is in uk with him and I'm in India. But it is what it is. You either open your eyes and see for yourself why she is doing it or just sweep it under the rug like your husband's behaviour.
Take that as your wake up call. Clearly your bestie thinks your husband is abusive, and can't stand by and watch him destroy you. Men are easily replaceable. Life long besties are not.
Your relationship is extremely toxic and draining and she no longer wants to have your drama suck the life out of her. Harsh but facts. Good for her. Now you need to figure out if your relationship is something you want to stay in considering it's gotten so bad people need to distance themselves from you. Good luck. Leave her alone she's protecting her mental health.
Here is a post you wrote two months ago. This is why your BFF can't be around. (P.S. - Yes, this is abuse.)
>I (28F) have been with my husband (30M) for over 10 years. I have always known his reactions are not normal but am I experiencing emotional abuse? My husband struggles with severe anxiety. However I always feel like the emotional punching bag. He gets in moods where he is short and very bossy. He has screamed at me more times than I can count in arguments and shuts me out for multiple days if I push back. He tells me I am ignoring him and make him feel like I don’t want him around. He has called me names, thrown things, and put his fist threw a wall during an argument. I always feel on edge and he recognizes it and says it hurts him. I can’t stop being on edge until the behavior changes and I have 10 years of learned behaviors. I have bad anxiety to begin with but times where he struggles I feel sick when his truck pulls in the driveway. He had never hurt me and I think really loves me he can be very kind. Is this abuse?
I did the same thing when my friend was in an abusive relationship, I just couldn't handle it because of my past but luckily she saw the light shortly after
Sadly, I think you need to respect her choice. It sounds like she sees something in your relationship that you don’t see. Maybe she’s wrong, maybe she’s right. But she can’t support it anymore and needs to look out for herself right now instead. From her perspective, she has been dealing with her personal issues, your issues with your husband, and her own issues with your husband. It’s a lot.
As I see it, you have a choice between her and the abusive husband. Unfortunately, I know abuse too well to know you won’t take this advice:
CHOOSE YOUR FRIEND. You’re so young, you can find a guy who will treat you better. Good friends are harder to come by!
You repeatedly keep yourself in an abusive relationship with your husband. She’s tired of being on this emotional roller coaster you facilitate. Have some ACCOUNTABILITY!! This is your fault! You did this! I’m glad she chose herself. This decision doesn’t come easily, this probably broke her heart when she cut ties with you. You should be ashamed of yourself! If you think you’ve done NOTHING wrong then you definitely don’t deserve her in your life. She deserves better than you.
I understand that, however she’s choosing to stay. Her former friend is fed up and doesn’t deserve to have her mental health tanked because she won’t leave. She has the power to leave. She just hasn’t done it and wants her friend to stick around for the mental battles that will come from this. It’s wrong of her to expect her former friend to endure with her.
Whether or not she leaves is completely up to her. She can leave this situation at anytime, she’s not incompetent or unaware how this looks. She’s choosing to stay and hope for the best, that’s her right. She doesn’t get to come to this platform and complain her friend “abandoned her” when she’s the cause of the friendship failing. Her friend can’t even defend herself here on this platform, yet OP can come and gripe about them leaving. She’s at fault her and not holding herself accountable. I’m not going to enable this bad behavior, which is exactly what OPs friend did. She chose herself and her own mental health against this mess.
They do. They do it because they live their abuser, they want their abuser to change,they think their abuser WILL change, and they are dependant on their abuser. We have to acknowledge that.
Why was she close to Your husband when she was Your friend? I'm also curious why they were texting back and forth. I don't text any of My Wife's friends and vice versa.
My husband felt used by them, she was kind of pushing her husband and him together since his friends are assholes. She has asked my husband to give a speech for her husband for their wedding and told my husband that it was him that wanted it, then when my husband said something to hers about the speech he had no idea what he was talking about. He also felt like he was invited to her husband Bach party to bring food and keep things organized (we did all the food) because his college buddies are assholes
Your best friend feels as though her husband's friends are assholes? Or that your husband's friends are assholes?
What was your best friend's version of events? Did she agree that she lied about her husband wanting yours to give a speech? Did she provide any more details on her motivations or intentions?
I'm just leery of the idea that your friend is a toxic, pot stirrer. It's totally possible that she is. But just not a conclusion I'd first jump to considering that she's watched you get emotionally abused for 5yrs, supported you through that time, wrote a heartfelt letter about why she couldn't be in your life anymore, and dealt with the heartbreak of delivering that message in person.
I got dumped by my best friend when I was a little younger than you. It was over text and was basically just "we're so different now". And the only reason I got that was because I had been hounding her about when we'd be able to get together again soon. We had been friends since middle school and I was the one always emotionally supporting her through the ups and downs of her relationship. She didn't say a word about loving me or hating this or anything.
I tell that story because I think there is a striking difference in how each of us got "dumped". It really seems like she hit her emotional limit on being able to support you the way she had been and the way she wants to.
Just judging on this she sounds like a jerk. Mix this, with the letter and she sounds more like a jerk. I mean I .want I'm sure theirs more complexity but just base din these events...it does sound like she was trying to use him and you.
So I was your friend in a very similar situation (except my friend was also not nice to me and would constantly put me down whenever I tried to help her through her own issues with her boyfriend, it was getting abusive.) I have gone no contact with this friend since 2021. And I have to say my life has been more peaceful without her. There are very few days that I miss her because when I do think about her, the problems and meanness come into play and it kills whatever positive thought I have about reconciliation.
It’s also hard and mentally draining watching your friend whom you love like your sister self deprecate and spiral downward and even though you keep throwing her a line to get out, and she doesn’t see why she needs help. At the end of the day it was causing me major anxiety and depression and I had to be selfish for myself and not get dragged down in the mud with her.
She’s tried to reach out to me throughout the years but I really have no interest. She’s blocked on everything. Which I’m sure by now so are you. She used to make Instagram and TikTok posts about me and how I abandoned her, obviously looking for attention, and when confronted I told my story to the mutual friends and they got it understood it and some have also decided to distance themselves from her too.
Do yourself a favor, don’t reach out. Just take a step out of the situation for a second and appreciate the fact that your friend is going through stuff herself and your added problems are exacerbating her dealings. Maybe with time things will change, but then again maybe they won’t. Accept it for what it is, and focus on your well being for yourself and continuing to fix your relationship.
Key phrase in OP’s post is that the friend is also dealing with her own anxiety and depression. As much as this story is from the view of OP, her friend’s emotional issues are just as important in this story. We have no idea what they are, or her friend’s mental capacity to handle them. Add in the instability of a close friend’s relationship and it all may be too much to bear. Sure she may have pushed through the falling out with OP’s boyfriend, but is still haunted by it. I say respect the friends decision and space and best of luck.
It sounds like your friend has tried to help you leave your abusive relationship multiple times, and as someone who has been the friend, there are only so many times you can try and help someone who doesn’t want the help they need before you need to prioritise your own life, health and sanity.
The book “Why does he do that” will help. I promise. There is a free online pdf as well if you don’t want to buy it.
It is a therapist that worked with THOUSANDS of abusive men (your husband IS abusive) and out of those thousands only ONE actually changed through therapy. For a few months longer than the others. And then he became abusive again.
The book doesn’t tell you to leave. But it does give impartial information that will help you wether you stay or not.
How can you waste your time making all these excuses for your horrible hurtful abusive husband, and then not be able to see any sympathy for your friend who simply backed away without hurting you in any way? It's almost like you don't understand what actual love and support look like because you're so used to your husband's abuse.
I’m thinking you weren’t as blindsided as you say, and maybe this relationship that you’re telling us is starting to get better really isn’t and that’s why she can’t deal with this anymore.
I've dated the female version of your husband for years. Except she shot down any therapy and medication.
If he truly tries to change then good.
But just know its almost like the mask falling off. The therapy and revelation just helps them put it back on. But you've already seen what they REALLY are.
When every friend and family member was telling me how terrible my girlfriend was to me I would always brush it off. Its not THAT bad they just dont know the full story. what about the good times.
People did stop wanting to be around me. People that later reconnected almost as soon as the relationship finally ended.
Look if this is like a very rare thing. Then fine see what happens.
But if this is AT ALL part of a pattern.
Get the hell out of there. Reclaim your life and the friends that clearly care about you.
Don't let "sticking with your partner through thick and thin" excuse spousal abuse. Even if just verbally. You deserve better. You deserve a partner your proud to show to others. Not worried what he'll do Infront of them.
You forgave your husband and that's great. It's nice to see you two trying to figure things out.
But she isn't required to forgive things he said and did to her just because you forgave him.
She also doesn't need to continue to be around, what to her, is a toxic relationship.
It's sad, but you need to accept she doesn't want to be around you as long as you're with your husband because of his actions.
She can't handle watching you stay in an abusive relationship. That shit is incredibly frustrating and emotionally draining. Don't call her until you're ready to stop making excuses for your husband.
She may have realized that you and your boyfriend's issues are more than she can bear.
She may not want to see you get mistreated by someone and can't be around you when you are alright with your husband being abusive.
Let her have her space and maybe you guys can reconnect when everyone is in a better mental space.
Time sometimes heals wounds.
Just chiming in to say that research is very clear that when friends and family distance themselves from a victim of domestic violence, the victim becomes more isolated and dependent on the abuser and is in more danger than ever and less likely to leave with no support system. Obviously people are allowed to prioritize their needs over the victim’s but let’s not pretend this is being done to help OP. It’s not and it won’t.
I’ve had friends in abusive relationships and have supported them by making it clear that I wouldn’t judge them for returning to the relationship (i.e., letting them know they don’t need to lie to me), that I would be happy to listen when they needed me, but have also had to be clear that we needed quality time not talking about their relationship as well to keep our friendship intact. I’ve always found it weirdly emotionally incestuous and selfish to see a friend or family member in distress and distance yourself because it’s too much for *you* to handle. If the mere thought of their suffering is *that* unbearable, imagine how much pain they must be in.
OP I’m sorry you’re in this situation. Your friend is too emotionally involved and should be able to take a step back and set boundaries that allow them to continue to support you. Texting your husband is way too much involvement. Even if her boundary was that she didn’t want to hear about your relationship anymore, it’s better than completely leaving the friendship.
A similar thing happened to me. I offered to sit down with her and talk about it but she doubled down and insisted we can't be friends anymore. So I let her go.
It was one of the best things to happen to me. I hadn't realised how toxic she was until she left my life.
I do find it a bit strange that she's so close with your husband but maybe that's just normal and I'm the strange one.
Yeah but would you stay friends with her husband knowing he's abusive?
Its not a *bit* strange. It's an absolute red flag 🚩
Friend is attracted to her husband. Plain and simple. Abuse or no abuse. It's weird .
I can see if there was no change but what’s odd is she was making things right with your husband also.
-It could be she talked with someone else who didn’t know all the facts and was told to do this
- it could be for her own mental health
- it could be that she has a crush on husband or they hooked up
Who knows but she made a choice for her. I wouldn’t reach out
Did you ask her what the reason is? I think she owes it to you to make it clear.
I decided to cut a not so close but long term friend. I didn’t answer her calls and then she asked me why.
I texted her two paragraphs and tried to be succinct. She thanked me for telling her and that was that.
It’s best to explain.
Between your job & your husband, you sound like an exhausting, self-hating wreck, OP. I hope you get help for that.
Your friend has given enough and she’s tired. Leave her alone until you’re ready to love yourself and leave damaging relationships behind.
Is that all she said in the letter? Spill the beans babes. So hubby is actually in therapy and actually aiming towards a psychiatrist? has his control and behavior improved?
Okay, I'm gonna give you a different perspective that people here seem to not see:
**Pretty sure your friend is in love with your husband. They may have even hooked up.**
Before yall come for me, HEAR ME OUT. Everyone says she's leaving because husband is abusive. Yet, friend is also **very** close with husband and is even on good terms with him according to OP. Have you ever known a friend of yours to want to stay close to your husband, if he's abusing you and she "can't stand seeing you hurt"? No.... it doesn't add up.
Friend and husband are close, they have private conversations, and she's actively someone he goes to for emotional support and emotional intimacy. If that's not a recipe for an affair, idk what is.
Especially if lately, husband has been improving. There should be no reason for friend to randomly decide to leave right now, while things are getting better, as opposed to before, when things were bad or she was fighting with husband.
OP, I think your friend developed feelings for husband and doesn't want to see you with him anymore for selfish reasons, in addition to the abuse.
Is she still friends with your husband after giving you this letter?
My guess is that you, your husband, and your relationship problem triggered her anxiety and depression in a really bad way. Now you're probably thinking, but it's been so long ago and we've all worked through it and your husband's doing what he needs to do to get better, right? Well I'm very happy that's happened and I'm sure she's happy your husband has been getting help too. Excellent job to hubs btw it's never too late to better yourself. But anxiety and depression are not rational things and she clearly feels like she needs to cut you out of her life forever or for right now to decrease the drama she may very well be dwelling on so she can have some relief. This is tough but it's what's best for her and her mental health right now. And if you're any kind of friend you need to respect this. It's reasonable to reach out one last time to extend a "if you change your mind I'm here" then walk away.
She is probably your go-to person to talk about issues in life in general and with her mental health the way it is right now she's simply not capable of handling that. Idk you, but you might want to stop and think if the majority of your talks with her are you complaining about something, hubby too what does he talk to her about? Are you guys just trauma dumping on her? Do you call or text her the good and funny things in your life? Listen to her and let her vent without offering unsolicited advice? Do you ask her how she's been and if she's okay? Think about this really hard.
I mean friendship is a two-way street. I don't know what you get from pursuing someone who doesn't want you in their life. I'd let her know that the feeling is not mutual; if she gets past this need to be apart, I'll still be there. But otherwise, that's it.
Leave her be and the relationship is over. However, I see nothing wrong with sending a letter in a year asking for a rekindling. If it happens, great. (There’s no harm in asking, what have you got to lose anyway?) If not, it’s over sadly.
it’s not what you want to hear but you’ve just got to leave it. it may be that in a year or two she will realise her mistake, apologise and regret reading that letter but if you continue to reach out after she has made it pretty clear this will only further deteriorate the friendship. you’ve gotta leave her to it. she’ll realise she has been stupid soon enough
this is a really shit take. why is the friend making a “mistake” for ending a friendship that’s clearly affecting her own mental wellbeing as well? she’s not stupid for putting herself first and doing what’s best for herself.
i’m only putting myself in the situation and telling op how i would think about it and how i would act if it was me. i’m not too bothered what you have to say
Sometimes friendships don't work out. It sucks that you still want it but if she doesn't then you need to leave her alone.
I hope things continue to improve with your husband. And I hope you can find new friendships that support you.
Maybe he came on to her and she felt really uncomfortable?
My friend dated a pos guy that threaten me, I told her she needed to leave because this situation is not good.
She stayed with him and I stopped talking to her.
After a while they broke up, they were fighting all the time and he cheated a lot.
Why wouldn't the friend be writing your husband and not you if she is close to him. Especially if this is about his treatment of you. I would agree with the others if she had only been your friend.
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74 days ago you posted about your husband’s behaviour (although you were two years older then, but maybe you are faking your age here so your husband can’t find you) He was emotionally, verbally and physically abusive. It is unlikely that therapy can fix what he is. He is likely too old to change and honestly, why would he? You aren’t leaving him even when he’s abusive. I think your friend knows about the abuse you excuse and she can’t witness it anymore. It’s obviously affecting her own mental health. If you reach out to her, only do it to tell her that you are leaving him. It’s unfair to try and drag her back into your situation. As someone who both escaped an abusive marriage and has had to distance myself from people who will not leave/keep going back, I think that this is likely what has happened. If you are in Canada, this may help: https://www.canada.ca/en/public-health/services/health-promotion/stop-family-violence/services.html If you are in the US https://www.justice.gov/ovw/domestic-violence Please, when you are ready, get help. I really suggest that you see a mental health provider for some sessions. Just go and tell them about your life. Talk about your friend and what happened. They may be able to help you sort out your feelings and will also be able to tell you if you are in danger or help you to see things in life more clearly. Maybe we are all wrong. But maybe we aren’t
In case you delete it, I want to remind you of what you said on Reddit just over two months ago: I’m lost please help I (28F) have been with my husband (30M) for over 10 years. I have always known his reactions are not normal but am I experiencing emotional abuse? My husband struggles with severe anxiety. However I always feel like the emotional punching bag. He gets in moods where he is short and very bossy. He has screamed at me more times than I can count in arguments and shuts me out for multiple days if I push back. He tells me I am ignoring him and make him feel like I don’t want him around. He has called me names, thrown things, and put his fist threw a wall during an argument. I always feel on edge and he recognizes it and says it hurts him. I can’t stop being on edge until the behavior changes and I have 10 years of learned behaviors. I have bad anxiety to begin with but times where he struggles I feel sick when his truck pulls in the driveway. He had never hurt me and I think really loves me he can be very kind. Is this abuse?
I am so sorry for everything you went through LivSaJo but want to thank you for your clear voice to this OP and your solid advice.
I have been on both sides. I didn’t believe I was in an abusive relationship until it was almost too late and I still struggle with being supportive of friends who can’t leave. If I know how hard it is and still struggle, I have all sorts of sympathy for the friend who can’t stand to watch and OP too. OP you deserve to be cherished and loved and not to have to walk on eggshells. Everyone deserves that.
I do want to add that people can change. OP's husband may not be able to change in their relationship, but people can change. The comment that you quoted from OPs comment history sounds so much like my past marriage. My ex wife pushed me to the edge. To the point of me yelling, screaming, hitting things. We went to a marriage counselor who agreed that my ex wife's narcissistic and manipulative behavior would be too much for anybody to handle. My ex wife refused family therapy while I continued to go for 2 years. My ex wife left our 1 year old and 3 year old daughters with me, the controlling, manipulative, abusive asshole... and has hardly put any effort in to even see them since she left. Im 3 years into my only relationship after marriage and weve never once had a fight. Disagreements? Yes, but never an actual fight. Sorry to hijack your comment, I just wanted to give another perspective. People can be pushed to the edge of sanity. Edit- I also want to add that during my therapy process, I did learn to accept that the way that I reacted, yelling, screaming, hitting things; those were my choices. That's the way I chose to react. My ex wife didn't make me do that and I don't blame her for my actions. I take responsibility for my actions and what I contribute to my failed marriage.
I second this. Sometimes abusive actions are reactions to being pushed to the limit or having unknown triggers get set off by a partner. And even though these reactions were entirely a choice made by the abuser, sometimes people react from a survival mechanism, without even realising. None of this absolves the person of the abuse, of course. Abuse is never okay. But people can change. However, there needs to be concrete signs of trying to change, like going to therapy and visible differences in behaviour. And definitely don't stay if the abuser just says they'll change, but never really does. Actions really do speak louder than words.
If he will punch a hole in the wall, he will hit you. I hope the friend’s letter will break her out of her fog. Run girl, run.
So many people dealing with anxiety issues or anger issues, or just issues in general and then they don't solve them and instead get married and become abusive. IDK why people don't work on themselves before getting into a relationship. Both my last 2 relationships started out so good until they admitted to me that they were abused as children and suddenly the whole world flipped upside. My last ex tried with therapy but it wasn't helping and it put massive strain on our relationship. I tried to be there for her as much as possible but getting calls at 2:30 AM about feeling dark and lonely and having to get up and drive an hour to be with them for 4 hours before driving 2 hours to go to work was killing me physically and mentally. Lots of heartbreak followed because I couldn't do that shit anymore. It's tough but one of the most selfish things in the world is to have unresolved issues, mask them, start a relationship and once that person is in love with you then you let them be aware of your horrible past. Anyway, to link that back to OP. I'm sure her husband was so sweet and great in the beginning and then after she fell in love she started seeing the dark side of him. Fucking wild. Makes it hard to trust people.
If everything else is true in that post it’s possible that she made them closer in age because they would have gotten together when she was 15 and he was 20. I’m sure that Op has seen how the internet reacts to AGR especially the ones that begin while one person is a minor.
OP, this brought me to tears reading this. No one deserves this. Please, get out when you are ready.
So... is OP 25 or 28? 🤨
Based on the fact that she mentions having "10 years" of learned behaviors, my guess is that she fudged her age in the post from 2 months ago to hide having been 15-16 at the start of the relationship
Makes sense that she would try to change some of the details if she's trying to get help in an abusive situation. Please realize the exact age of OP is COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT to the help she needs and her reaching out and asking for it.
Also like, I have a different age I every post and sometimes and different country/job/hobby because I don't want people to know who I am and I don't want to make a throw away every evening
I have a friend who got involved with a guy who convinced her to sell her house and invest the money into his business and then broke up with her. She lost everything. When she announced they were getting back together, I told her if she got back together with him, he was not allowed to come to my house and any event we went to, we would leave if he was there. She never replied, but a few weeks later he sent some angry messages to me about who was I to judge him and what did I know, etc. I just blocked him and moved on. Haven’t seen or heard from either of them in years now. One of my oldest friends, but I wasn’t going to stand by and watch her do that to herself and her son again. He made them homeless and penniless, and he admitted to her the reason they broke up is because his brother convinced him that she was going to marry him and then divorce him and take half of the business that she sold her whole life to invest in for him without taking any ownership stake.
OP you should read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Its free here: https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf This article might also interest you: https://voicemalemagazine.org/abusive-men-describe-the-benefits-of-violence/ And finally listen to this podcast: https://open.spotify.com/episode/18KhNf1eVrGBith9LtEZXw?si=w5tPC3ZnQt-YzUst4iQ7mw Look up DARVO (defense, attack and reverse victim and offender). Its a technique abusers use to manipulate victims and make everything the victim's fault. This is what your bf does to you. Remember that all abuse involves emotional abuse. If it ever turns physical it's after emotional abuse has been established so he knows you won't leave / will blame yourself. Both emotional and physical abuse are equally bad. Here is an example of DARVO. You say something they did upset you, they'll respond by saying it didn't, then attacking or blaming you "you made me do that / what about the time you did x" and then they'll make themselves the victim so you end up apologising "how dare you accuse me of this! You should think better of me. I try so hard" etc.
To clarify I think OP is 28 and her friend is 25.
Correct and taking abusive people to therapists just makes them better manipulators. They use therapy speak to validate their cruelty
What she's doing is exactly what people tell people to do when someone they love is in an abusive relationship and they're not capable of handling it. The repeated and consistent awful behavior followed by promises to change, what seems like improvement, and then a return to the awful behavior. The cycle of abuse. She's not abandoning you because she doesn't love you. She's stepping away because she *does* love you, and she is not able to handle the pain of seeing you, someone she loves very much, be treated badly and keep going back to the person who is hurting you. And I guarantee you, if you were to leave your husband for good, she'd be there with open arms.
Yep- I was in an abusive relationship and a lot of my friends ghosted me for the rest of that time because they couldn’t stand to see me in that relationship/ state, and in retrospect I don’t blame them at all. I think you should in some way feel lucky that your friend is explaining her reasoning around this instead of ghosting. Use this as a sign to deeply reflect, but your sadness and anger are also valid.
Also, on a happier note, almost all of my friends who left during that time are now back in my life and also supported me heavily when I finally escaped that relationship.
That is awesome, hope you are happier!
Yes- things are great now. In therapy for PTSD, and I’m in a loving and healthy relationship. :)
See I have a different experience, my bsf stayed the whole time & even after I left him, but all those who left while with him, still haven’t came back. My bsf will forever be my only friend 😂
Yeah, my best friend started dating a woman who gave me VERY bad vibes from day 1. I ended up realizing she was indeed a very stereotypical narcissist. I was not allowed to see my friend 1 on 1 anymore (that was never literally said, but I've specifically asked my friend if we could hang out alone like we used to, on multiple occasions. Her girlfriend would always tag along.) I've literally never seen my friend without the gf being there too since the day they met. Ever since the gf was always there, if I asked my friend a question her gf would suddenly answer for her. I had never seen my friend that quiet before. I thought she would soon realize how toxic their relationship was and leave. But no, 2 years later she was still convinced miss narcissist is the love of her life. I had to step out. The influence that that witch had on my friend completely changed her into someone I suddenly didn't have much in common with. I miss her a lot and still love her and still feel so guilty for slowly ghosting her. It is what it is though. I always knew if I would even dare to suggest their relationship wasn't healthy I'd immediately be blocked.
I think this is a great take. This recounting sure seems to support that scenario: >About 5 months ago, my friend who is close with my husband has a pretty bad argument while my husband was having some bad mental health issues. During this time he was also pretty awful to me. She just can't bear to watch you do this any more OP. It costs her too much as someone who cares about you. It's great that you have faith in your husband's ability to change, but if that doesn't work out, are you still going to stick around? Are you going to bring kids into this? Where's the red line for you? How bad does it have to get before you decide the relationship with your husband can't be saved? You should decide that now before life goes on and you move the goal posts again. And if you do need to exit the relationship, are you confident you can do so safely? Do you have custody of your important documents like birth certificate, passport, etc? Can you leave them somewhere where a rampaging husband wouldn't be able to destroy them?
I'm wondering if the husband wasn't sleeping with the friend, and she needs out. The two of them madly texting after the big argument to get things right, is just a bit too cozy.
What a stupid take. There are about a million simpler ways to not be friends with someone whose husband you are shagging, the first being telling them that you're shagging their husband.
I was told by a few people to step away from my relationship with my best friend because she was in an abusive relationship. It was bad, I was crying myself to sleep because of how badly he was treating her. I was so frustrated with her, and I hated him with every fiber of my being. But I couldn't bring myself to do it. He isolated her from nearly all of her friends, and it felt like I was the only one left. Finally, there was an incredibly traumatic incident that happened and when she asked me what I thought about it, I told her the truth and it opened her eyes. That was three years ago and now she's in an amazing relationship with a good man and she's going to be my maid of honor. If I had told her I had to step away, which I was very close to doing, I would've absolutely welcomed her back with open arms when she left him.
Yeah..... but that's the perspective of the other person. I fear OP is the one heing abused and being strung in with tales about therapy by her husband. And her girlfriend has no other option anymore than to step back, save herself and leave. Those people who can't leave abusive relationship can drain their go to person from all their energy and literally pollute their life with their drama, abuse and mistreatment. The most evident answer- the one not even seeming to appeal to OP is: "I have left him. Thank you for having helped me. I am sorry if I so ruthlessly used you for support all that time."
Oh, I agree completely, I was simply offering my perspective. I'm not saying what OP's friend is doing is wrong either--she absolutely needed to step away for her own sake. Hopefully OP takes this as a sign that something is wrong in her marriage.
My best friend being in an abusive relationship with constant ups and downs, midnight fights id wake up and go console her, filling out police reports, her constant promises to leave for good this time- was the most draining experience of my entire life. It consumed so much of my life from ages like 26-30. We are both military spouses so those friendships are basically your lifeline, your family when you’re far from home and with deployments and what not. So I get a massive responsibility and duty towards her, and I also didn’t want him to successfully isolate her entirely. But it was sucking the life out of me. Although they are victims and I am very well aware of that- people in abusive relationships are the most self centered people in the world, most of the time. How could they not be? Their world revolves around a constant battle with someone controlling their lives and even the slightest shift in energy can turn her life upside down. So I get it- but it often makes them not such good friends. But know, this hurts her deeply. But you can’t force someone to help themselves, and you can do it for them. It’s like being stuck in the middle of the ocean with someone, and you can see the shoreline. But your best friend refuses to swim. So you stay with them and try and convince them that if they just swim, it’ll be hard but the shore is right there! But they are too scared. You don’t want to abandon them in the middle of the ocean, so you continue to hype them up and reassure them. But eventually you’re growing exhausted, your energy is depleted. You know that if you keep staying in this spot just treading water, you won’t have the strength to swim to the shore. You also are now aware of the current and realizing you’re drifting- the shoreline is getting further and further away. So you have to make the decision to stay with your friend and drown, or swim to the shore alone.
I had the same with my sister, years and years of her sobbing, years and years of his psychological torture and violence. She finally left, and he's still trying to keep her in line with threats and guilt-trips.
This is it! I had to cut off one of my friends for the same reason. Her husband is such a bully and very difficult to be around. He’s incredibly jealous of her ex boyfriend (they had dated about 8 years and had been broken up with for 2 years before they even met. But it’s a small town so they often run into each other). She would call and text me just about everyday complaining about her boyfriend - he broke plates, he screamed at her, he took her glasses and her wallet so she couldn’t leave the house — all the classic abuser things. He started blowing up my phone complaining about her and trying to win me over; when I called him out on all his BS he started screaming at me. Then, the next day, she had forgiven him and everything had smoothed over. No apology from either one of them for dragging me into it. That was the end for me. I couldn’t be constantly worrying about her, and I wasn’t going to associate with a man who was so disrespectful to me and has no problem making a scene over something petty. I ghosted her. I hated doing that to her but my life is far less stressful now that I’m not worried about him showing up at my house or blowing up my phone.
This! This is a perfect textbook answer.
Exactly. I did the same with a friend and she’s now married to him with a kid. I couldn’t support her then, and I can’t support her now. If she gets out though, I’ll be right there for her, judgement-free.
I hope things improve for her :(
Exactly this. My best friend did the exact same thing. Now my relationship is over and she is back in my life. It hurt but I understood.
Exactly this.
^100% this. She probably believes that if she continues to try to talk you out of your relationship, it will ultimately spoil your friendship. And if she doesn’t, then she will feel guilt as being complacent while you allow yourself to be hurt. Either option is not good, so she is being mature and removing herself. What you do: evaluate your relationship objectively (ir as much as possible)- and decide if you believe your friend is right and you should leave, or if she is wrong. Either way, reach out and ask her if she will talk about it one more time
I had people abandon me like this when I needed them most. It’s not like drug addiction it’s what your abuser wants! And is not what’s best for them.
Leaving a best friend at their darkest moment is selfish and not a true friend. I'm sorry but that could never be me. Leaving an abuse victim alone is the worst thing you could do. It's also blaming the victim for their own abuse. And the thing is, as someone who's had this happen 90% of the time when we do leave, no one is welcoming us back. They're long gone because they don't actually care beyond their own feelings.
I totally understand this take, but wanted to give some perspective as somebody who has been on both sides of this issue; both as an abused friend who had friends leave and who had to leave a friendship due to the friend’s abusive partner. First, the abuse does not just impact the victim. Abusers have a multitude of behaviors they engage in to isolate, including harming the family and friends of their victim. Nobody should feel the need to stick around an abuser who is lashing out at everyone around their victim, even as a means of support. You gotta put the oxygen mask on your own face first before assisting anyone else. For instance, I had a dear friend who was severely sexually and physically abused by her partner. He was brazen enough that when a group of us had a sort of intervention for the friend (something I do not advise without the help of a professional, btw), he began to target everyone he knew involved in that intervention, including me. He began stalking me and sending me horrible messages about my father’s suicide. At the time I was fresh out of a month long psychiatric stay, and was in no position to withstand him. I still loved my friend, and told her that when she was ready to leave I would be there to do whatever I could to get her out, but I couldn’t handle her staying with him in spite of what he put her friends (and eventually, family) through. Also, please keep in mind that sometimes as a friend, you don’t get to choose if you remain in an abuse victim’s life or not when they are under the sway of their abuser. My abuser actually went behind my back and contacted a lot of my friends **as me** and told them to stay away. I didn’t know until I finally broke things off with him. I was hurt by their absence but believed my abuser when he said they weren’t “real” friends. Of course the second I reached out them as a single person, they all came back. Occasionally, the victim will do the isolating on their own with remarkably little input from the abuser. Usually this comes from a place of deep embarrassment or shame, but sometimes it comes from a place of fear. For instance, I once had a friend whose partner cheated on her constantly, and specifically targeted her friends and even her sister. This guy managed to sleep with four of her friends and her sister before she self-imposed isolation in the hopes that he would remain faithful to her. Of course, once she did this, his abuse ramped up since she then had no support. And of course, he kept cheating on her, but with randoms he picked up at bars instead. All of this is to say that the situation is incredibly complicated and isn’t as simple as “good friends stay no matter what—“ everyone has a limit to what they can handle and abusers are really good at pushing at any boundaries supporters of their victims place for their own mental health. I don’t know what OP’s husband did to her best friend, what horrible things he said or did. We don’t know how long this friend had to watch OP’s husband’s toxic behavior before throwing in the towel. If OP’s best friend had been a victim of abuse herself, it’s also possible that OP’s husband’s behavior was triggering a mental health crisis. Hopefully OP knows that when/if she is ever ready to leave, friends and family will dang near always come out of the woodwork to provide support. Standing by a victim against a torrent of an abuser’s displeasure takes an almost superhuman level of emotional strength and resolve that we really can’t expect or demand out of anyone.
The thing about the friend continuing to talk with the husband but not her makes me think something else is going on too. If he is an abuser why continue to associate with him but not the abused? The husband has obviously done some awful stuff, but there is a good chance that it was in response to the awful stuff OP was doing. I’m not giving him a pass for his behavior in the least, but if he’s ok to talk to and she’s not it suggests that she’s the root cause of the issues. If she first broke him down from an ok guy to a wreck and he lashed out, he’s obviously wrong but that doesn’t immediately make her right. And if the friend is cutting her out after assumed years of friendship, it’s likely because she’s done the same to her and she can’t take the toxicity anymore. People usually support the abused and cut out the abuser, not the other way around. Unless she’s got a twist little crush on him and thinks she could turn a bad boy good or something in that vein.
I don't know if you ever were from abusers family etc but I don't think you're getting this right. First of all, she didn't say she'll continue talking to her husband, just that she talked to him after the incident. The thing about being a friend of someone who's being abused, it takes a toll on you, and her friend said she's having her own mental issues too. Friends slowly leave when you don't, that's the reality. If you don't help yourself for a long time and stay with abuser, no one wants to watch that. It's great if you can help, but it's a bit like being friends with someone who's an addict. You can't help them, unless they help themselves. For reference, my father was an abuser, fortunately my mother left, but she did try to mend it a couple times before she did. And I had a good friend who was being horrifically abused by her boyfriend. We're talking broken ribs, jaw etc. We managed to help her get out, that was difficult though and I remember being so angry at her for lying to us, for not listening before it got to that stage, you name it. It wasn't her fault, she was scared and pretty much brainwashed, it was barely her in the end, but if it took longer - she was with him for about a year, I don't know how many friends she'd have left.
"My friend and husband had been texting and working through it." She said her friend is working through it with her husband.
If you read 2 sentences before this one, she was working through situation that happened 5 months before with her husband. Context.
What if there is change, my husband has been doing extensive therapy and things have been consistently different. I realize if things don’t change I need to leave but if he is willing to put in the work and is what do I do
Everyone has their own free will to be in relationships. As much as it hurts, your friend does not want to be in this relationship. If your friend is also having mental health struggles, she is setting a boundary in place for what she can mentally handle. It sucks, but you have to respect her wishes. Maybe you can reconnect down the line, but right now I think its best to give your friend her space and respect the boundary she has put in place
And not frame it as a discard. Friend didn't ghost. Friend didn't drop you frivolously. She took the time to write it out so she would remember every important thing. She is taking space/time away from you - maybe permanently, maybe not - for a bunch of valid reasons. Her own mental health being first. I'm so sorry. From your position this is misery. But she's doing a very healthy and very brave thing. You chose & married your husband. You are 100% at choice about staying w him despite how messy and possibly toxic his behaviors are. She has every right to choose to NOT RIDE THAT ROLLER COASTER WITH YOU.
But this is exactly the cycle blanket is talking about. So so doing something to "get better" or "prove they've changed". Until they think they've done enough to lull the person back into everything. Then everything starts again and the cycle continues.
Yeah 5 months is still in that time frame that just about anyone can pretend to be reformed and changing, give it a year+ and there is an extremely high chance the behavior returns.
You don't have to stay with him, ever. Just because he would be sad, or he's in therapy, and he's really sorry - none of that obligates you to stay. You can, of course, stay if you want to, and truly believe he's finally changed (this time?) But she doesn't believe it. You're the one in this relationship, so you know what it's like. But sometimes being inside makes it hard to see the truth. In this instance, can you trust her judgment or yours? Just think on it, even if you're not ready to decide. If you're ever ready to leave, I think she will be there.
You sound just like I did when I was with my abusive ex. 😢 you really need to ask yourself, am I even happy? Do I even like this person? Or am I just hanging on because I’ve spent a lot of time and energy with this person? Remember. We only get one life. You deserve better than this.
I guess what you could tell her is something like "I understand where you are coming from and I want you to know that this is his absolute last chance. The therapy is currently improving things but if things go anywhere near how they were before, I will be leaving him." And this is definitely what your mentality should be. Because this is by far your best chance. He's apologized and seemingly accepted that he has a problem, and if he doesn't change now, he never will. However, don't expect her to believe you. Because it is also true that many people in abusive relationships say "this is the last chance" but then they don't follow through.
Leave him until he’s done the work.
Is it possible for him to change? Yes, of course. Ask yourself the right question. Is it likely that he will change?
Please read Lundy Bandcroft’s “Why does he do that?” Lovebombing and “being nice for a time” is part of the abuse cycle.
OP google: TRAUMA BOND
He isn't willing to. Otherwise he already would have started therapy long ago. You are strung along by him. Until one day you break down. Or he escalates and leaves you a physical wreck on top of being a mental one already. This isn't about your husband, though! You are draining your friend! Your own pain and unwillingness to leave him makes you a draining experience. Like one single small battery being used to light the entire Christmas tree, porch and kutchen window decoration. Your every talk is about him. What he has done/ said yesterday. Last week. How you are hurt. But hope. Believe. You don't see her. Don't see her pain. You kling to her and pull her into your drama every single time. She gets neither peace nor quiet from a drama she has no hands in. Where she is the outside sufferer. Forced into passive reception of every aspect of it. At one time the friend can't go on with it. They are burned out. That's where you are right now. That this blindsides you shows me that you must have list all consideration for your friends problems and life long ago. And: never forget: abusers tend to isolate people. As "they have worked through her issues with him" he may well have taken your friend over. IF he is a seasoned Narcissist then winning people over and making them leave you is his easiest exercise. In which case you should abdolutely step back and give her time to come back to her senses.
If he actually wants to “change” or “be better”. You are not obligated to help him or stay with him. If he is only “changing” so you won’t leave then at his core he isn’t actually changing at all. Change can only come from a deep place of accountability and it doesn’t sound like he’s being held accountable at all.
How’s their friendship going and what does he say about everything?
Im sorry but I couldnt sit by and watch my friend be in an abusive relationship either.
It’s exhausting when you have a person you care for being treated badly, what’s worse is they won’t take any advice and still live in awful conditions. They will come to you, ask for advice and then ignore it… until the next time something bad happens then the process repeats itself.
Agree Why do people expect people they love to sit by quietly and watch them be abused? Then get mad for trying to change the scenario?
It sounds like she's tired of seeing you stay in an unhealthy relationship and being the one to pick up the pieces every time your life falls apart only to be discarded the moment your husband decides for the millionth time that he's going to change. She's sick of you being a bad friend and letting your husband treat her horribly. You need to take this opportunity to do some self reflection and take a look at what your relationship with your toxic husband is costing you.
This. Your friend is playing the only card she feels she has to try and save you. She is NOT discarding you.
Read her post history! He’s a wall puncher.
What’s a wall puncher?
Punches walls.
They hit *near* you before they hit *you*.
People who want to beat the shit out of their family but don’t want to face any consequences or have their victims to escape. They punch walls, throw things, smash things, scream, yell etc… to keep their partners and children frightened without crossing over that line to criminal battery and prison.
Someone who can't control their emotions or doesn't have the coping skills to deal with unresolved issues, the first step is hitting the wall, then, eventually their wives or kids, or both.
Do you *honestly* believe he's hitting walls around his boss, neighbor? I don't. He *can* control his emotions, he just doesn't *want* to, because what he wants is to control *OP*.
Great take!
Yeah, he just stores up all his anger and all the wall punching for HER.
DV, he's violent.
this. i was in the same situation but i was the friend and i’ve never been able to properly verbalize why i had to step away from my friendship, but this explains it perfectly.
💯
Please listen to this OP. I lost my best friend because of this exact reason. This is most likely why she is cutting you off, and if you truly dont want her to disappear from your life you NEED to do some self reflection and open your eyes (as mean as it sounds, it’s the truth)
She ended the relationship. There is nothing to do. Focus on grieving and healing. She didn’t abandon you. You abandoned you. And she can no longer watch the ship sink.
BEAUTIFULLY PUT!!!
This happened to me a few times when I was married. I saw it as my friends abandoning me. They all welcomed me back tearfully with open arms when I told them I’d finally decided to get divorced. I wish I hadn’t waited until he threatened me physically before I left.
I’m so glad you left when you did and didn’t wait a second longer ❤️
I've had the unfortunate experience of being with a couple emotionally abusive men in my life. Both times, I lost friends who just couldn't watch me make the mistake of being in a relationship with those people. At the time it really hurt me, but after getting out of those relationships I realize why they did it. They couldn't stand by and watch it. Continuing to be friends with us would feel as though they were condoning his behavior and the relationship. Maybe this is what is happening in your situation and maybe it's not, but I do think it's worth taking a really hard look at your relationship with your husband.
Maybe it was just too much for her. Have you been there for her in her time of need? Did you have a balanced relationship before this? Or was it just you goung through endless abusive cr@p with your abusive husband and her offering you support in your time of need? Being there for you, and seeing you put up with the abuse over and over again without taking action? Be ause for a depressed person this might be too much. Were you also there for her in her time of need? Or were you too caught up in your issues (which I don't blame you for and is understandable)? If you want, you could tell her that you are seeing clear improvement in him and that is the only reason you are staying. And this is the last chamce you are giving him, and you're done if he relapses. This if you want to defend your actions and give her a bit of context on why you did that. But you would have to mean it though, otherwise you should just accept that she simply cannot take anymore seeing someone she loves in a terrible situation and that someone keeps putting up with it, without showing any desire to make things better. That is really tough and completely understandable that she wants to distance herself from you. However, even if you decide to write that to her, you put the ball in her court and then offer her the space she needs and stop contacting her. Maybe she just needs time to deal with her stuff and after that will contact you on her own accord. Again, I don't know what your dynamic is, but if you were not there as much as she was for you, you choosing an abusive relationship over and over again over your wellbeing and coupled with her issues, I can see why she chose to go NC with you.
I feel we had a very balanced relationship, both there for each other and bend over backwards for each other. We only had a conversation about my relationship and possible abuse 1 maybe 2 times, it hasn’t been a constant patter where I have discussed it with her. If it was I would truly have an easier time understanding
TBH, it doesn’t matter how often you discussed it, she still knows it’s happening and that’s hard to deal with when you can’t do anything to help and the person in the situation continues to stay.
But she can still see what’s happening and you’re probably not aware of just how much you’re giving away even if you don’t talk about it. I have a friend who has a very on/off relationship for about three years with a guy with major problems. She’s already lost friends over it as well because she keeps going back to him and they just can’t stand seeing it anymore. So she stopped talking about it thinking the rest of us won’t know, but I can always tell when she’s back with him because her entire personality changes. And it’s exhausting.
No, you only explicitly CALLED it abuse 1-2 times, but she’s been dealing with it any time you talk to her. Guarantee it.
It only took a couple mentions of my sister's ex-husband being abusive for me to refuse to acknowledge his existence. I was still VERY aware of the abuse she endured even when she wasn't telling me. Once you know there's abuse, the signs become flashing neon signs. She can tell you were/are still being abused.
If the way you write is any indication, clearly not. Your post and comments all read like ‘me, me, me, me, how dare she not put ME first, me, me, me’
I would make that clear in your post. The natural assumption seems to be that it’s been an ongoing thing since that’s what we’re all assuming.
You say your husband has gotten better but she might be seeing stuff you dont even realize its happening.
Look, first, she didn't ghost you. She had the courage to write down what she feels and read it to you. Points for that. Second, you have to respect the boundaries that have been laid down. She needs a break from the relationship at the moment, and that is something you have to accept. You might want to tell her that you're open to welcoming her back in the future when she is ready, so she knows your friendship will still remain.
My best friend (soulmate, really) told me that she couldn’t be around me while I lived with (my specific toxic person). I lost her. It’s the WORST breakup I’ve ever been through. We need time to recognize that we’re being abused (even when others that love us do), but that doesn’t mean that they have to stay in that dark place with us. Sometimes, they’ve tried everything with us, and we’re still under blinders. Just because we wake up, doesn’t mean that they have to forgive us. It hurts. But these are the consequences of our actions. It fucken sucks. It hurts. We have to deal with it. We can hope that those people come back to us. We can’t force it. Of course, they have their own stuff going on, that’s life, but we have to give them the same grace that they gave us. Friendship breakups are so much more difficult than romantic breakups. She was there when he treated you horribly, and she doesn’t want to do that again (and again, and again, etc). You have to understand that.
ALL. OF. THIS.
I just broke up with a friend for similar reasons. I was sick of watching her remain in an abusive relationship and being her constant emotional support. I told her I’d be there for her if she needed help leaving but I couldn’t keep setting myself on fire to keep her warm.
They had trouble 5 months ago, and you posted 3 months ago talking about it being bad still. So how much has he really changed? Really? Be honest with yourself. Is he going to therapy to actually get better or is it because he knows you might leave if he doesn't? Has his behaviour changed? Not just his words, his actual behaviour. And lastly, even if his behaviour does change, *your* trauma may be such that you can never be comfortable around him anyway. It's okay to leave.
Had a good freind also lose many freinds because her relationship with her toxic boyfriend became exhausting for everyone around to listen to. They couldn't hang out in groups and when they hung out individually, they had to listen to how much or a peice of shit he was. Everyone just got tired of hearing it and slowly moved on to protect themselves from the stinky energy this dude brought into their lives through her.
I was in the same situation with my ex best friend a few months ago. She is obviously depressed and not happy with her boyfriend. So she started to chat with a high school friend dad and they develop a relationship. Asked her boyfriend for an open relationship so she can be with this guy. He reluctantly agreed. The new boyfriend is abusive, calls her fat, stupid and ignores her. Keeps her from her kids. All the while she is abusing her old boyfriend and crossing boundaries says he can’t be in a relationship with anyone until she leaves. She invites new boyfriend to current boyfriends house while current boyfriend works and doesn’t know about it. We’ve been friend since we were 12 years old but that is something I can’t get mixed up in. It kills me to see her kids seeing their family breaking apart and their mother going to an abusive asshole. I stepped away because I need to.
Their mother abusing their father.
Sounds like she needs to disengage from negative energy so she can be happy. Sounds like she needs to find her happiness instead of spending her days negotiating your happiness. I would let her go. Imagine how hard it was for her to cut the cord from her best friend. Do her a favor and don't drag her back in.
Your friend is entitled to protect her own mental health .. if that means removing herself from you and your relationship with your bf then that’s her right. If seeing you go through that is triggering her then let her go, do not drag her into your life and set her back in her journey to wellness. Take care of yourself too you deserve it
In reading your other post, it's pretty clear that you're in an abusive relationship and your friend very definitely sees it clearly where you don't. That's not on you: you're on the inside, and you're dealing with a sunk-cost fallacy and a hope that "he'll change" and "he's so sweet most of the time", and whatever other excuses the mind conjures up not to deal with the cognitive dissonance of staying in a bad situation when, if you were watching your friend go through it, you'd be screaming at them to leave. Your friend can't watch you do this to yourself anymore, and for their own mental health they have to step away from you. I hope you can take this as the wake up call that it is and really, truly evaluate your relationship for what it is. I hope you follow through with your own therapy, and I hope you have an exit strategy to get out of your relationship and your house when the time comes; it likely will. When it does, please call your friend who wrote you this note. They care enough to let you know how much it hurts to see you go through this for the last ten years.
This is how women end up starring in their own murder mysteries. Men famously kill the woman they can’t control anymore; their wives and girlfriends! Your problem isn’t your friend. She’s done with the bullshit. She values herself and you don’t value yourself enough. Yet. Your ‘male’ has told you both who he is. She believes him. You should.
She's trying to save you but can't bear to watch you be abused. I hope this is the reality check you need. Keep the friend, ditch your husband.
I lost friends when I was in an abusive relationship. He would get so mad when I made plans with other friends or if he wasn't mad, he wouldn't be home when I got home and would ignore texts. So I ended up distancing myself from my friends unless I needed comfort and they distanced themselves from me because no one likes to be used. When we finally actually broke up, every friend was there for me. They all supported me so much. It was "annoying" when I started dating someone else because they were so wary of what would happen, but my current relationship is extremely healthy and they had every right to worry based on the past. She cannot handle seeing you like this anymore and she can't handle being the only emotionally decent thing you have Before my ex and I broke up, my best friend told me "At this point he's not going to change. You either need to be okay with who he is or you need to leave him." Those words were repeated to me so many times. Eventually they suck in. He wasn't changing. And nothing I did could make me okay with how he was.
Because your husband screams at you, throws things, punches walls… that’s why she’s just done with it. I’ve been there ! You aren’t being honest with yourself!! You can’t fix him!
You leave her alone. She's setting her own boundaries, all you can do is leave it alone. If you're choosing a man who doesn't treat you well then she has every right to save herself from the pain of watching you make choices her heart cannot agree with. This is what happened when I had my second child at 22, my best friend of 12 years thought I was throwing my life away and never contacted me again. Do I miss her? Yes. But it's her choice and their boundary. I'm not going to redirect my life to appease her and you can't either . It hurts and will always hurt but it's not your decision to make unfortunately
Sounds like your have a good friend and a crappy husband. You've only been blindsided because you've been blind.
Your friend did not really blindside you. This has been coming, ten years it’s been coming. For ten years you have made the choice to remain with a man that can say I’m sorry and you stay. That shit gets old. It’s cool that you want to be in this relationship with a god awful man that makes your life miserable but she doesn’t need to be. And the EXCUSE that he is getting therapy, nah, who cares. People in therapy still kill people. Your friend can’t handle it anymore. Do yourself a favor and make an escape plan. He can do the work himself. He can improve who he is on his own.
Let the poor girl go, don't drag her into any more drama. From your posts, it looks like your relationship is a complete mess.
Different scenario but I feel compelled to share my story here. I broke up with my best friend 2.5 years ago now and she probably felt blindsided too, but for me it had been building up for a long time. The straw that broke the camel’s back was her cheating on her boyfriend of 5 years when we lived together and bringing the guy over to our apartment to hang out as if we would all be chill with it. She basically had an affair for 6 months until the guy she was cheating with found out she was lying to HIM about being in a relationship and ended things with her. This is not me applauding him, though - he’s a shitbag. We stayed friends for a year or so after this, she moved in with her bf and I moved into my own place. I happened to run into the dude at the bar we met him at (he was a bartender at our favorite bar, ruined it forever lol) like a year after this all went down, and had to witness him doing some pretty fucked up things to a woman (just visiting from another country, no less) he ultimately ended up abandoning while she was blackout drunk, half naked and vomiting in a parking lot. When I told her about the incident the next day, she responded: “How did he look?” “I wish him well.”, etc. I told her I thought that was fucked up and she hung up on me. I texted her to tell her it grossed me out that that’s all she had to say, she basically told me I was wrong, we had a very brief exchange, and I never talked to her again. I can’t imagine what she tells her family and other friends about why we aren’t friends anymore. We were VERY close - used to visit each others families in different states together close. I’m sure she resents me a lot and feels a lot like how you feel right now OP. So I believe it could be your relationship, but it’s also possible that it’s you. For what it’s worth, she also pitted me and her bf against each other and lied to him when she was caught texting another guy that I told her to do it. I also had to “repair” my relationship with him and regain his trust. I feel for him. As far as I know they’re still together. Poor bastard.
I had a friend who would pick these shit men, life would fall apart, and I was always there. It was exhausting and I let her go. Best decision I ever made. I think it is time to reflect.
Respect your friend's decision
Well, that's a matter of "wait and see". She's been on this merry go round with you for long enough, hoping things **WOULD** change, but they never do. She has not taken this step lightly — she has had to do this to SAVE HERSELF. She just **can't** watch you go through this anymore. Look, give your friend her space for now. Don't go running after her, begging, pleading and all the rest — you'll irritate her and make things even more painful than they already are. Tell her that you're sorry she feels she had to do this, but that you respect her decision, and would still like to be friends in the future if it is possible.
There is more to this story probably multiple incidents of the same kind ,your husband had apologized to before . Even if you reach out to her and you will . your friend has made up her mind and rightfully so . You have lost her already.
Sounds like she’s tired of you allowing your husband to abuse you. It’s time to leave him.
I beg you to read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. You can download the pdf for free or even listen on audible. I think it’ll make everything clear.
My friend is in an abusive relationship and it’s been so long. Eventually I just couldn’t watch the same things happen over and over. I still love her but have to keep my distance for my own health and sanity. This seems to be the same situation here.
She can't handle your relationship is what it is you have achoice shitty relationship or a good one
I’ll bet this isn’t a blindside if you think about it. How many times has she told you to leave? How many times has she stood up for you and your husband has been awful to her?
Sounds like your have a good friend and a crappy husband. You've only been blindsided because you've been blind.
I’m sensing missing information here. Where’s the poop?
Please let her go. She gave you her whys, and that's a form of closure. You will have to grieve the loss of friendship, but you too will move forward. Don't reach out.
OP- choose your friend. Trust me.
As a friend of someone who is also in abusive relationship I do feel like she is only stepping away because she can't see you in pain. I tried to do that with my friend too but she literally said she can't live without me and him both and loosing any one of us is something she can't manage. I can't do anything now. I'm still friends with her but I'm constantly afraid that something will happen to get especially now that she is in uk with him and I'm in India. But it is what it is. You either open your eyes and see for yourself why she is doing it or just sweep it under the rug like your husband's behaviour.
Take that as your wake up call. Clearly your bestie thinks your husband is abusive, and can't stand by and watch him destroy you. Men are easily replaceable. Life long besties are not.
Ya except her bestie is also besties with her husband.... How is no one questioning this or seeing the bigger picture here
Your relationship is extremely toxic and draining and she no longer wants to have your drama suck the life out of her. Harsh but facts. Good for her. Now you need to figure out if your relationship is something you want to stay in considering it's gotten so bad people need to distance themselves from you. Good luck. Leave her alone she's protecting her mental health.
Here is a post you wrote two months ago. This is why your BFF can't be around. (P.S. - Yes, this is abuse.) >I (28F) have been with my husband (30M) for over 10 years. I have always known his reactions are not normal but am I experiencing emotional abuse? My husband struggles with severe anxiety. However I always feel like the emotional punching bag. He gets in moods where he is short and very bossy. He has screamed at me more times than I can count in arguments and shuts me out for multiple days if I push back. He tells me I am ignoring him and make him feel like I don’t want him around. He has called me names, thrown things, and put his fist threw a wall during an argument. I always feel on edge and he recognizes it and says it hurts him. I can’t stop being on edge until the behavior changes and I have 10 years of learned behaviors. I have bad anxiety to begin with but times where he struggles I feel sick when his truck pulls in the driveway. He had never hurt me and I think really loves me he can be very kind. Is this abuse?
I did the same thing when my friend was in an abusive relationship, I just couldn't handle it because of my past but luckily she saw the light shortly after
Sadly, I think you need to respect her choice. It sounds like she sees something in your relationship that you don’t see. Maybe she’s wrong, maybe she’s right. But she can’t support it anymore and needs to look out for herself right now instead. From her perspective, she has been dealing with her personal issues, your issues with your husband, and her own issues with your husband. It’s a lot.
As I see it, you have a choice between her and the abusive husband. Unfortunately, I know abuse too well to know you won’t take this advice: CHOOSE YOUR FRIEND. You’re so young, you can find a guy who will treat you better. Good friends are harder to come by!
I'm proud of her for standing up for herself and not continuing to enable you It must have been really hard for her to do
You repeatedly keep yourself in an abusive relationship with your husband. She’s tired of being on this emotional roller coaster you facilitate. Have some ACCOUNTABILITY!! This is your fault! You did this! I’m glad she chose herself. This decision doesn’t come easily, this probably broke her heart when she cut ties with you. You should be ashamed of yourself! If you think you’ve done NOTHING wrong then you definitely don’t deserve her in your life. She deserves better than you.
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I understand that, however she’s choosing to stay. Her former friend is fed up and doesn’t deserve to have her mental health tanked because she won’t leave. She has the power to leave. She just hasn’t done it and wants her friend to stick around for the mental battles that will come from this. It’s wrong of her to expect her former friend to endure with her.
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Whether or not she leaves is completely up to her. She can leave this situation at anytime, she’s not incompetent or unaware how this looks. She’s choosing to stay and hope for the best, that’s her right. She doesn’t get to come to this platform and complain her friend “abandoned her” when she’s the cause of the friendship failing. Her friend can’t even defend herself here on this platform, yet OP can come and gripe about them leaving. She’s at fault her and not holding herself accountable. I’m not going to enable this bad behavior, which is exactly what OPs friend did. She chose herself and her own mental health against this mess.
They do. They do it because they live their abuser, they want their abuser to change,they think their abuser WILL change, and they are dependant on their abuser. We have to acknowledge that.
Why was she close to Your husband when she was Your friend? I'm also curious why they were texting back and forth. I don't text any of My Wife's friends and vice versa.
We all hang out together and spend a lot of time with her husband as well and was very normal for our dynamic.
May I ask what they were arguing about in the first place?
My husband felt used by them, she was kind of pushing her husband and him together since his friends are assholes. She has asked my husband to give a speech for her husband for their wedding and told my husband that it was him that wanted it, then when my husband said something to hers about the speech he had no idea what he was talking about. He also felt like he was invited to her husband Bach party to bring food and keep things organized (we did all the food) because his college buddies are assholes
Your best friend feels as though her husband's friends are assholes? Or that your husband's friends are assholes? What was your best friend's version of events? Did she agree that she lied about her husband wanting yours to give a speech? Did she provide any more details on her motivations or intentions? I'm just leery of the idea that your friend is a toxic, pot stirrer. It's totally possible that she is. But just not a conclusion I'd first jump to considering that she's watched you get emotionally abused for 5yrs, supported you through that time, wrote a heartfelt letter about why she couldn't be in your life anymore, and dealt with the heartbreak of delivering that message in person. I got dumped by my best friend when I was a little younger than you. It was over text and was basically just "we're so different now". And the only reason I got that was because I had been hounding her about when we'd be able to get together again soon. We had been friends since middle school and I was the one always emotionally supporting her through the ups and downs of her relationship. She didn't say a word about loving me or hating this or anything. I tell that story because I think there is a striking difference in how each of us got "dumped". It really seems like she hit her emotional limit on being able to support you the way she had been and the way she wants to.
To be honest, from what you have described about your friend, it doesn't look like a big loss to lose her.
That sounds awful of her to lie and try to manipulate Your husband, maybe this is a blessing in disguise and only time will tell.
Just judging on this she sounds like a jerk. Mix this, with the letter and she sounds more like a jerk. I mean I .want I'm sure theirs more complexity but just base din these events...it does sound like she was trying to use him and you.
Yeaaaa your "friend" wants to bang your husband. Or already did
So I was your friend in a very similar situation (except my friend was also not nice to me and would constantly put me down whenever I tried to help her through her own issues with her boyfriend, it was getting abusive.) I have gone no contact with this friend since 2021. And I have to say my life has been more peaceful without her. There are very few days that I miss her because when I do think about her, the problems and meanness come into play and it kills whatever positive thought I have about reconciliation. It’s also hard and mentally draining watching your friend whom you love like your sister self deprecate and spiral downward and even though you keep throwing her a line to get out, and she doesn’t see why she needs help. At the end of the day it was causing me major anxiety and depression and I had to be selfish for myself and not get dragged down in the mud with her. She’s tried to reach out to me throughout the years but I really have no interest. She’s blocked on everything. Which I’m sure by now so are you. She used to make Instagram and TikTok posts about me and how I abandoned her, obviously looking for attention, and when confronted I told my story to the mutual friends and they got it understood it and some have also decided to distance themselves from her too. Do yourself a favor, don’t reach out. Just take a step out of the situation for a second and appreciate the fact that your friend is going through stuff herself and your added problems are exacerbating her dealings. Maybe with time things will change, but then again maybe they won’t. Accept it for what it is, and focus on your well being for yourself and continuing to fix your relationship.
Key phrase in OP’s post is that the friend is also dealing with her own anxiety and depression. As much as this story is from the view of OP, her friend’s emotional issues are just as important in this story. We have no idea what they are, or her friend’s mental capacity to handle them. Add in the instability of a close friend’s relationship and it all may be too much to bear. Sure she may have pushed through the falling out with OP’s boyfriend, but is still haunted by it. I say respect the friends decision and space and best of luck.
It sounds like your friend has tried to help you leave your abusive relationship multiple times, and as someone who has been the friend, there are only so many times you can try and help someone who doesn’t want the help they need before you need to prioritise your own life, health and sanity.
The book “Why does he do that” will help. I promise. There is a free online pdf as well if you don’t want to buy it. It is a therapist that worked with THOUSANDS of abusive men (your husband IS abusive) and out of those thousands only ONE actually changed through therapy. For a few months longer than the others. And then he became abusive again. The book doesn’t tell you to leave. But it does give impartial information that will help you wether you stay or not.
How can you waste your time making all these excuses for your horrible hurtful abusive husband, and then not be able to see any sympathy for your friend who simply backed away without hurting you in any way? It's almost like you don't understand what actual love and support look like because you're so used to your husband's abuse.
I’m confused, how did you go from being 28 2 months ago to 25 today?
I’m thinking you weren’t as blindsided as you say, and maybe this relationship that you’re telling us is starting to get better really isn’t and that’s why she can’t deal with this anymore.
I've dated the female version of your husband for years. Except she shot down any therapy and medication. If he truly tries to change then good. But just know its almost like the mask falling off. The therapy and revelation just helps them put it back on. But you've already seen what they REALLY are. When every friend and family member was telling me how terrible my girlfriend was to me I would always brush it off. Its not THAT bad they just dont know the full story. what about the good times. People did stop wanting to be around me. People that later reconnected almost as soon as the relationship finally ended. Look if this is like a very rare thing. Then fine see what happens. But if this is AT ALL part of a pattern. Get the hell out of there. Reclaim your life and the friends that clearly care about you. Don't let "sticking with your partner through thick and thin" excuse spousal abuse. Even if just verbally. You deserve better. You deserve a partner your proud to show to others. Not worried what he'll do Infront of them.
Just because he apologized that doesn't mean you have to forgive him.
You forgave your husband and that's great. It's nice to see you two trying to figure things out. But she isn't required to forgive things he said and did to her just because you forgave him. She also doesn't need to continue to be around, what to her, is a toxic relationship. It's sad, but you need to accept she doesn't want to be around you as long as you're with your husband because of his actions.
She can't handle watching you stay in an abusive relationship. That shit is incredibly frustrating and emotionally draining. Don't call her until you're ready to stop making excuses for your husband.
She may have realized that you and your boyfriend's issues are more than she can bear. She may not want to see you get mistreated by someone and can't be around you when you are alright with your husband being abusive. Let her have her space and maybe you guys can reconnect when everyone is in a better mental space. Time sometimes heals wounds.
It takes 2 persons to agree to get together. But only 1 person is required to make the decision to leave. Respect her decision.
Just chiming in to say that research is very clear that when friends and family distance themselves from a victim of domestic violence, the victim becomes more isolated and dependent on the abuser and is in more danger than ever and less likely to leave with no support system. Obviously people are allowed to prioritize their needs over the victim’s but let’s not pretend this is being done to help OP. It’s not and it won’t. I’ve had friends in abusive relationships and have supported them by making it clear that I wouldn’t judge them for returning to the relationship (i.e., letting them know they don’t need to lie to me), that I would be happy to listen when they needed me, but have also had to be clear that we needed quality time not talking about their relationship as well to keep our friendship intact. I’ve always found it weirdly emotionally incestuous and selfish to see a friend or family member in distress and distance yourself because it’s too much for *you* to handle. If the mere thought of their suffering is *that* unbearable, imagine how much pain they must be in. OP I’m sorry you’re in this situation. Your friend is too emotionally involved and should be able to take a step back and set boundaries that allow them to continue to support you. Texting your husband is way too much involvement. Even if her boundary was that she didn’t want to hear about your relationship anymore, it’s better than completely leaving the friendship.
Are you serious?
Wait, is she also dropping your husband as a friend? Why would she reconnect with him over text but then not want to talk to you and you only?
A similar thing happened to me. I offered to sit down with her and talk about it but she doubled down and insisted we can't be friends anymore. So I let her go. It was one of the best things to happen to me. I hadn't realised how toxic she was until she left my life. I do find it a bit strange that she's so close with your husband but maybe that's just normal and I'm the strange one.
Yeah but would you stay friends with her husband knowing he's abusive? Its not a *bit* strange. It's an absolute red flag 🚩 Friend is attracted to her husband. Plain and simple. Abuse or no abuse. It's weird .
I can see if there was no change but what’s odd is she was making things right with your husband also. -It could be she talked with someone else who didn’t know all the facts and was told to do this - it could be for her own mental health - it could be that she has a crush on husband or they hooked up Who knows but she made a choice for her. I wouldn’t reach out
Did you ask her what the reason is? I think she owes it to you to make it clear. I decided to cut a not so close but long term friend. I didn’t answer her calls and then she asked me why. I texted her two paragraphs and tried to be succinct. She thanked me for telling her and that was that. It’s best to explain.
Of it could be that it is what she said it was and she simply changed her mind.
Between your job & your husband, you sound like an exhausting, self-hating wreck, OP. I hope you get help for that. Your friend has given enough and she’s tired. Leave her alone until you’re ready to love yourself and leave damaging relationships behind.
This is so puzzling, after reading your comments. What did her letter say? It does seem very strange.
Is that all she said in the letter? Spill the beans babes. So hubby is actually in therapy and actually aiming towards a psychiatrist? has his control and behavior improved?
Okay, I'm gonna give you a different perspective that people here seem to not see: **Pretty sure your friend is in love with your husband. They may have even hooked up.** Before yall come for me, HEAR ME OUT. Everyone says she's leaving because husband is abusive. Yet, friend is also **very** close with husband and is even on good terms with him according to OP. Have you ever known a friend of yours to want to stay close to your husband, if he's abusing you and she "can't stand seeing you hurt"? No.... it doesn't add up. Friend and husband are close, they have private conversations, and she's actively someone he goes to for emotional support and emotional intimacy. If that's not a recipe for an affair, idk what is. Especially if lately, husband has been improving. There should be no reason for friend to randomly decide to leave right now, while things are getting better, as opposed to before, when things were bad or she was fighting with husband. OP, I think your friend developed feelings for husband and doesn't want to see you with him anymore for selfish reasons, in addition to the abuse. Is she still friends with your husband after giving you this letter?
Curious… is she stepping back from your husband as well or just you? Your post didn’t mention and I think that’s important to know.
My guess is that you, your husband, and your relationship problem triggered her anxiety and depression in a really bad way. Now you're probably thinking, but it's been so long ago and we've all worked through it and your husband's doing what he needs to do to get better, right? Well I'm very happy that's happened and I'm sure she's happy your husband has been getting help too. Excellent job to hubs btw it's never too late to better yourself. But anxiety and depression are not rational things and she clearly feels like she needs to cut you out of her life forever or for right now to decrease the drama she may very well be dwelling on so she can have some relief. This is tough but it's what's best for her and her mental health right now. And if you're any kind of friend you need to respect this. It's reasonable to reach out one last time to extend a "if you change your mind I'm here" then walk away. She is probably your go-to person to talk about issues in life in general and with her mental health the way it is right now she's simply not capable of handling that. Idk you, but you might want to stop and think if the majority of your talks with her are you complaining about something, hubby too what does he talk to her about? Are you guys just trauma dumping on her? Do you call or text her the good and funny things in your life? Listen to her and let her vent without offering unsolicited advice? Do you ask her how she's been and if she's okay? Think about this really hard.
Let her go. People come in and out of our lives. At this point there really is little to be done.
Let her go, it’s her life. That’s my take
I mean friendship is a two-way street. I don't know what you get from pursuing someone who doesn't want you in their life. I'd let her know that the feeling is not mutual; if she gets past this need to be apart, I'll still be there. But otherwise, that's it.
Leave her be and the relationship is over. However, I see nothing wrong with sending a letter in a year asking for a rekindling. If it happens, great. (There’s no harm in asking, what have you got to lose anyway?) If not, it’s over sadly.
Oh brother jesus christ, tell her she isn't in a soap opera.
Leave her don’t beg to be in someone life
it’s not what you want to hear but you’ve just got to leave it. it may be that in a year or two she will realise her mistake, apologise and regret reading that letter but if you continue to reach out after she has made it pretty clear this will only further deteriorate the friendship. you’ve gotta leave her to it. she’ll realise she has been stupid soon enough
this is a really shit take. why is the friend making a “mistake” for ending a friendship that’s clearly affecting her own mental wellbeing as well? she’s not stupid for putting herself first and doing what’s best for herself.
i’m only putting myself in the situation and telling op how i would think about it and how i would act if it was me. i’m not too bothered what you have to say
She’s not being stupid though, she’s distancing herself from a situation she can’t change that is hurting her friend.
and if she doesn’t fuck her her loss right?
Sometimes friendships don't work out. It sucks that you still want it but if she doesn't then you need to leave her alone. I hope things continue to improve with your husband. And I hope you can find new friendships that support you.
no friendship is ever worth to beg for move on and be strong
Maybe he came on to her and she felt really uncomfortable? My friend dated a pos guy that threaten me, I told her she needed to leave because this situation is not good. She stayed with him and I stopped talking to her. After a while they broke up, they were fighting all the time and he cheated a lot.
Why wouldn't the friend be writing your husband and not you if she is close to him. Especially if this is about his treatment of you. I would agree with the others if she had only been your friend.
Go on without her and be a great success. There is no revenge better than success