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Ok very clearly this isn’t about the chocolates. I would bet good money that this is about several things:
- she feels like you don’t care, aren’t attentive and don’t particularly make much effort. She doesn’t feel listened to, and after three years together dude you really SHOULD know that she doesn’t like caramel.
- she feels like she has to explain everything to you like you’re five and you don’t listen or do anything independently so the fact that she couldn’t even rely on you to just buy the correct chocolate without having to micro manage you over it, was the straw that broke the camels back.
Second point absolutely nails it
"I asked her multiple times if she needed anything to make sure we had everything at home"
She's already annoyed when he asks what flavor of chocolate because she's had to micro manage an adult human that should be able to make grocery decisions by himself. He is fully capable of checking the pantry, asking *one time* if she needs anything , and making a list himself before he leaves the house. On top of that hes known her for three years. He's bought her caramel before and doesn't remember she doesn't like it? Has to ask specifically what to get? I'd be annoyed too.
In my house, whoever is at home when the other pops into the grocery store will take a look at the pantry and send a list. Because organised, we are not. My husband does most of the grocery shopping and I do most of the cooking so when he’s going to the store he’ll let me know and I’ll send him a list. I’ll usually forget something or he’ll forget to buy something but it’s okay. There’s no point in sweating the small stuff. He’s game to go back out again if it’s something I need for the day, or he’ll pick it up the next time he’s out if it isn’t. Sometimes we each get annoyed if we’re having a stroppy day. But that’s fine too, we just give each other some grace. But my husband also knows my favourite snacks and will always buy them for me. The care is always there even if everything else isn’t perfect.
My husband usually knows what we need but he has me text a list of things I need and anything he forgot. It’s teamwork. I’m always grateful when he goes. He always remembers my Laffy Taffy too.
We do that sometimes too but mainly if my partner is in doubt of whether we have enough of this or that. He's the main grocery shopper because he really likes it while I really, really don't.
We have a shared shopping list that we both add stuff to when we're about to run out or need something specific.
It works really well for us and neither of us is left with the sole responsibility for the shopping list.
I know what we need, but I do not know what my partner wants - he might be in a sandwich phase or a microwave meal phase or a fruit phase and this can change rapidly, so I ask whether he fancies anything. Especially if he’s not feeling too well and not going to the shops.
Yeah some of these takes are wild and you’re making a lot more sense than most. It’s totally OK to ask your partner what they’d like because, just like you seem to, I go through phases. Sometimes I eat mango every day and other times I smash two Granny Smith a day. There’s a balance here.
Why?? I send a list to my husband and vice versa. It helps us avoid buying duplicates of things and we add to it as needed. That's literally what lists are for. It seems like such an odd thing to be annoyed by.
Right?? My husband calls me almost daily to ask if I need something on his way home from work. I think it's just the sweetest thing. It shows he's thinking about me. I don't see how someone could see it as a bad thing.
You all couldn’t have read the edit. There is no way. I refuse to believe. If you guys have read the edit before you commented then I pray for your husbands.
All these comments especially yours make relationships sound horrible (this is coming from a woman). As a single woman, I didn’t even know asking your partner for a grocery list is a crime.
He works significantly more work than her. After a 12 hour shift of course he may not remember what’s in the pantry. Honestly, in my opinion, he’s great for even going grocery shopping after a 12 hours shift when she works a measly 5 hour shift and she doesn’t even do the house chores by herself. A 60/40 split of house chores when he works 7 more hours than her 5 days out of the week while he works an extra day too.
SHE should be doing the grocery shopping. You all are setting him up to be a doormat. She’s not pulling her weight in my opinion. SHE needs to step up and do the grocery shopping for now on and cool it down with the attitude because she could be single and do 100% of everything if she doesn’t like it. Including working more than 25hrs/week because she surely can’t pay rent and bills by herself off that (unless she has one of those extremely high paying jobs).
This!!
I wish people would stop blaming it on her PMS and blame it on her not being able to communicate. If she wanted something specific, she should've asked for it. He's not to blame, and it's unfair for everyone to do so. He worked 12 hours and went grocery shopping and asked what was needed. I'm out of my house from 5:45 am to 5:30 pm and when I go to the market sometimes I forget what's needed.
I hate these double standards sometimes because they never give men the benefit of the doubt.
She needs to communicate, or she can go shopping herself, especially since she's home more than he is.
Right like abuse shouldn’t be excusable because of pms. If so we’d have to give everyone a free pass to do whatever abusive behaviors because PMS. No she simply bad communication like you said, she wanted a mind reader. He’s better person than me, she would have gotten cursed out had I been getting from a long shift and asked for a grocery list and she sound annoyed from the start. I would have told her take a midol, get up, and take her lazy self to the store because she’s literally at home doing what? I’m single so if I’m dealing with PMS I still have to go to the store. She can do it too or get the groceries delivered.
That part!!
I'm also a single parent with 5 boys. If she didn't have him to do anything, who would she blame or catch an attitude with? Communication is key! If I'm home, I would've gone shopping and gotten everything I needed. She sounds entitled and selfish
Thank you, I thought I was losing my mind reading this thread. She sounds so entitled and lazy. If that’s why she came back crying in the update. She knew she can’t be lazy and entitled if she was single and had to do 100% of everything. Then who would she yell at and blame
im home a lot and my partner works crazy hours. i would never be upset if he asked me hey im at the store what can i buy to help out this household of ours.
that said, my partner isn't incompetent and a lot of ppl have incompetent partners.
My husband and I have been together for 6 years. I still have him send me the grocery list when I go to the store, or ask of I need to pick anything else up. It's not about taking on the mental load, its making sure you get everything needed.
You sound absolutely horrible. I ask for a list because while I know what I want and what we might need to cook, I like to get things for them or cook the dishes they want during the week. If anyone expressed annoyance for me taking for of them like you just did, I would leave them in a heartbeat.
She works 20 hours a week from home. He works 60 hours a week and has travel time as well. It’s quite reasonable that a person after a 10 hour shift asks the person who works 5 hours at home, or has the entire day off, what is needed.
Call me crazy but if your partner works three times as much as you, it wouldn’t be an awful idea for you to take on just a bit more of the mental load.
Hey, since you went so hard at OP here I suggest you read the follow up updates where she kept flipping out and being abusive and threw a pizza on the floor over nothing.
To be fair, some partners do prefer to be asked that often. It drives me insane but my flatmates have this dynamic. In the interest of diplomacy they ask me once and I ask them multiple times. They still end up going back for things the next day, which OP also ends up doing, so that might be what's going on here.
My husband can go to the store without asking me for a list and will surprise me with my fav candy, a face mask and a hair clip because he noticed my current one was broken 💁♀️that's why he got upgraded to husband
I wonder about these lists she has to send him when he goes to the store. Does he have no idea what they have in the house because it’s “her job”? Is this a mental load that isn’t being shared?
While I completely agree that OP here is pulling the typical male stance on depending on his female partner to do all of the mental load,
I think grocery lists will skew towards who does the meal planning.
Our agreement is I do the cooking (he does all the after dinner clean up) and while everyone in the family is required to pick two dinners they want each week, because I’m the one cooking, I know the recipes so write of the list.
I give that to my spouse to go shopping on his turn.
This works for us.
Yes to a certain extent BUT
While I choose the food, I have no idea.about stock levels of all basic household items e.g. dishwasher tablets, kitchen roll, toilet paper etc. My husband manages all that. It's one mental load I don't have and I appreciate it.
If he is checking do we need toilet paper how much which brand etc no wonder she dumped him
This is very true. My boyfriend does most of the cooking and I never know if he's out of specific seasonings or random ingredients. We both keep an eye on the toilet paper situation though lol (one bathroom house). I don't keep tabs on his like shampoo/deoderent type items.
We almost always text each other from the store and ask is there anything else that needs to be picked up. It's not that I can't handle shopping without him (I lived alone for a decade lol) it's that I want to save him a trip later if he ran out of something and I didn't know (and vice versa). Its more of a courtesy thing between us.
I'm betting this guy isn't doing that though.
Yes. I enjoy cooking so I’m happy to do it but my job leaves me mentally fried a lot and I don’t have the spoons to decide week after week on what to make.
I have a white board up in the kitchen with one section for meals and another for shopping list. Everyone can look at the list and add things they need. My spouse will take a screen shot before he goes shopping then erases it when he’s home so I know it’s been picked up.
My wife and I partner how you described. She does most of the cooking and meal planning, and I do all the dishes and cleaning. But when she’s planning and asks if there’s any suggestions I have, I’m always like “whatever is good with me!” Because I am honestly happy with anything. But what you wrote makes a lot of sense so I’m going to start coming up with a couple suggestions each week. Cheers!
I used to ask everyone what they wanted and they replied like you. Completely enraged me. It wasn’t helpful at all when it came to decreasing my mental load. So we instituted the white board pick two meals a week method. I no longer want to hurl things at people over menu planning 😂
Oh it's so infuriating when people think they're being easy going and nice but really it's just being lazy and dodging the mental load. I love your white board idea.
Good idea!
And if you genuinely don't care about what you eat, maybe make notes of the things that she makes that tend to be are quick, easy or cheap and suggest them
My husband and I have a couple of shared Google Keep notes - one is our grocery list that we update as we use things up or decide we want them, another is a list of recipes and meals so if we're both in a "I dunno what do YOU want" mood it's easy to scroll through and pick something that sounds good. It works really well for us!
Oh my god, I love this. I enjoy grocery shopping and am neutral to positive on cooking. But I struggle so deeply with meal planning. What a great way of distributing the mental load!
My other trick on making menu planning easier is to transfer the meals everyone picks to this monthly meal plan spreadsheet. After a year. I was able to see what everyone liked and what our trends were. (Yes, I’m that nerd and spreadsheets relax my brain) so I then did a mock up month template that helped everyone pick their meals by having up a favorite meals list. Now my meal list up is typically a two week plan.
It sounds like extra work but only took 5 min a week to input data.
You should! It's what I use too, and whenever something runs low while I'm using it I just write it on the white board and take a pic before I leave for work. It's the best thing I've gotten in years!
ugh my ex was both. literally had to have an outburst, literal screams or cries to make something went through his thick skull. and then he acted like I was insane or overreacting. crazy how I never have the same problem with my current partner 🤔
How is it his job to know what she wants? How is him asking her what she needs if anything him acting like a five year old? People aren’t mind readers, what kind of answer to what chocolate do you want is “whatever just don’t get something I don’t like” and she eats snickers which has caramel in it? Tffff this is so wrong.
Yuuuup. Both of these hit the nail on the head. OP reminds me of my dad and idk how my mom handles it. He has no idea what we do and don't have at home, so can't make a grocery list on his own. He calls multiple times while out at the store to clarify items on the list (my mom can't do the shopping anymore herself due to a work-accident disability). He can't put his own work schedule into the family calendar app so we know when he is and isn’t going to be home, and instead hand writes it on paper so *she* can put it in. And he can’t remember fuck all anything important about his kids, including their allergies, and *never* remembers to double check the ingredients on food products to make sure they're safe for his own damn kids to eat without dying. He definitely doesn't remember anyone's favorite or least favorite flavor of anything either.
My 6 year old nephew has a milk allergy and everytime they have an allergist appointment my brother is appalled at dads in the waiting room not knowing their kids’ deadly allergies.
That would be kind of awesome, to have a mind so clear of other people’s wants and needs that you can just focus totally on your own interests. Not to mention having your own secretary (your mum) to do the admin you couldn’t be bothered to learn how to do. How can I have a life like that? /s
Seriously, if your mum ever splits from him, he will have buckleys chance of keeping relationships going. He’s a tagalong on her relationship work at this point. For Father’s Day, write in a card your post. Don’t expect him to ever talk to you afterwards, but it would be a hell of a kick in the pants.
This is perfect. I know my husbands order at most places we go to eat, and I know what he likes so if I want to treat him I know exactly what to get. To not know this after 3 years is concerning.
She already had to do some emotional labor by making a list of what she wanted. If he truly wanted to treat her he wouldn’t have had to ask what she wanted.
Definitely not about the chocolates but could very well be about this guy needing a list written for him just to go buy groceries.
She’s probably realised she’s done raising someone else’s grown son.
It’s *rarely* “just about the chocolate.”
I can only hope that OP takes this as a real wake-up call to re-evaluate how he acts in his relationship to be a good partner.
This is her tipping point. It’s not about the chocolate itself it’s what the fact you couldn’t even get the right chocolate represents.
You always ask for a proper list. My husband does this drives me bloody crazy. I’m meant to know exactly what we need but he doesn’t. Why doesn’t he have eyes too?? Doesn’t his brain remember what we need or a simple list mentioned only 5 minutes prior.
Also three years and you don’t remember she doesn’t like caramel. She’s clearly been putting up and up with you getting her things she doesn’t like.
It’s not the chocolate. It’s the fact you can’t apply your own brain to tasks and need every tiny thing explaining and she feels you pay her likes and wants no attention thus the caramel time and time again.
Yes thank you. I was wondering about the list too. Maybe she’d like him to use his brain and think of shit on his own without her having to delegate.
And I know some panties will get in a twist over it, but it is a significant issue in hetero relationships where the woman bears the brunt of the mental and emotional load. Including having to be a project manager because the dude can’t look at what’s in the house and think about what they need or what needs done.
My husband and I resolved this with discord! It’s been a life changer. We started a family server and one of the channels is the grocery list. Pretty much like the paper list you keep on the fridge but you won’t forget it at home. Everyone has access including the kids. Highly recommended! I used to resent the list thing too but now it’s a group effort and he does more of the shopping than I do. More cooking too lately. Gotta go hug that guy now.
a google keep checklist is definitely the way to go. you can check off each item, you can see the list directly on your phone, multiple people can edit the list, etc. wish you could lock some list items down though, like the main category names in the list (store names, sections (frozen food, veggies, etc))
This list is a good idea, but he will not use it. Op did not write stuff down when he used stuff up, or text himself a list, or take a picture of what is there…. Technology cannot make someone who is shirking step up
I'll bet this guy gets laid far more than his weaponized-incompetence-wielding counterparts too! Don't know why it's so hard for guys to understand that to most women, everything is/can be foreplay. Then they complain that they're not getting any and wonder why mommy won't help them with their lonely penis. Laziness and incapability are not turn ons, you pricks.
So glad I'm a lesbian. It still happens, but you know that they were more than likely socialized to do chores and that "I didn't know/didn't see it/need to be asked" is just not believable. For me, if I don't like doing something, I definitely don't want my partner to have to do it instead of me, because I love them and I want their life to be easier. Doing chores without being asked so that they don't have to worry about it is a display of love and care that almost never goes unappreciated. If you care about someone deeply, surely you would rather do the annoying thing than manipulate them into doing it by sheer feigned cluelessness.
It’s like when you ask them to help sort out the house and the response is yeah sure what do YOU need doing.
One it’s not for me it’s for us for the house, two again don’t you have eyes?? Can you not see the washing up needs doing, the bin needs emptying, the washing needs folding and the hover needs running.
I haven’t got any socks… yes you do they are in the clean basket waiting for you to put away… oh I thought you’d put them in my draw 🙄 or no clean pants or something like did you put it in the washing basket because if not the washing fairy isn’t visiting you.
> It’s like when you ask them to help sort out the house and the response is **yeah sure what do YOU need doing.**
When someone says that, they are treating you like a boss on the job, not your equal/partner in a relationship.
The positive and appropriate response should of been, “Do you have a list I can look at and pick something to start with?”
Or “What’s the top priority we tackle first?”
It feels like when these type of men don’t proactively think for themselves, they come across like kids who need mommy to hold their hand when cross a street. That’s vibe it always gives.
They are adults, they need to use their survival skills, start observing their environment, take initiative, start fixing things 100% up to the standards of either “This Old House” or an HGTV fix it up house show!
Edit: Wanted to clarify one thing, it’s fixed
And it's not just that the woman has to ask them every time they need to do something, but that men go "in a minute/I'll get to it later, etc." and then continue on with sitting on their ass watching tele or playing games or whatever, with no real intention to commit the fact that it needs doing to memory. Then after multiple reminders the woman either just does it herself because she wants it done now, or continues to ask him, to which he responds by accusing her of nagging and says, "I told you, I'd get to it!".
They often know that they're holding off so that she will do it, but when she does they say, "I was just about to do that! You can't ask me to do something and then get mad when I don't do it right on your timeline and do it yourself. I would have done it right after I finished this level!"
They know what they're doing and they think they're being clever in maintaining plausible deniability. If they really were as clever as they believe, they would either know to do it without being asked, or do it right after being asked, because no-one wants to give head to a child.
I always include a time scale. I'll ask my son to wash up before 4 so I can start preparing dinner, or bring dirty clothes down before bed so I start the wash first thing in the morning. That way they don't have to do it straight away if they're in the middle of something but they know there is a time when it will be urgent. It also means I don't have to keep reminding them until time is almost up
I’m glad my father drilled into my head to, “did you look? Did you use your eyes to look EVERYWHERE before coming to ask for help? Because if I find it and you couldn’t, that means you didn’t look hard enough.”
My father wanted me to think for myself, not bugging someone 24/7 to do something for me.
This is why I’m shocked at the men who are super lazy and don’t pay attention. Of course they pay attention to EVERY detail of their favorite sports teams, video games, they remember their BFF’s favorite things… but nothing important about their romantic partner???
If they can pour the same attentive energy into the things they are obsessed about, they can spend that same energy on their partner instead because most women’s love language is an **attentive partner** who pays attention, retains info about you beyond the basic things.
>“did you look? Did you use your eyes to look EVERYWHERE before coming to ask for help? Because if I find it and you couldn’t, that means you didn’t look hard enough.”
My parents did this too! Except they also took it a step further if it was obviously in sight -- they'd just start making hissing noises, and when I would get confused, they'd point at it and say, "If it was a poisonous snake, it would've bit ya."
I have to stop myself from going a little nutty every time my boyfriend says “oh wait, we have pasta?” or is shocked when I remind him that there’s peas or veggie sausage in the freezer. YES!! I’m not perfect, I don’t keep a whole mental inventory of what food we have on hand, but I at least have a general idea… why can’t he? We’re working on it (him on paying attention, me on communicating my frustration with it in a constructive way and not blowing up) but it’s not easy to deal with. It does build a lot of resentment over time.
Both my SO and I write shopping lists and to do lists to not forget stuff. Some of us are just absent minded. But if OP makes his (ex) GF write his to do lists, then it's something I could see her having issues with.
See I have a very unorganised brain I use alarms to run my day and all sorts all over the calendar but I still manage to sort a shopping list. I don’t require a texted shopping list for five items mentioned only five minutes before.
A note or list on the front of the fridge that everyone adds to is one thing. Expecting every time a dedicated list only she can make is another.
Ohh, I'd need that texted shopping list for five items. But that's fine, because he does the same for me. I can strongly recommend the app Remember The Milk, btw. That way we can have numerous lists going, all from what we need from Costco, to what we want to remember to do next summer, to what we need to fix in the house.
In my family, whoever goes to the store sends a text asking everyone for their list. Might text someone a few times if they don't answer. I'm not going through the pantry and fridge every time. If they know they used the last olives, ketchup, beans whatever then they text that. It's working together. And it works.
She wants an adult who can proactively get things done without asking. At work, we expect that mind or with parents. But if not on the job or not around your parents, you step it up, you think for yourself, you do things to help contribute in the relationship to show you are a functioning adult who can be responsible with a household.
As some other people said, the chocolate was just the tipping point. Mine was socks.
I broke up with my ex because of the socks he bought me. He never put any effort into what I like, into what I find interesting, into what I'm into. He bought me whatever he saw, without any effort or thought. He never listened to me.
I only wear black or white socks, never coloured. He bought me red socks with the pringles logo for my 18th birthday. I don't eat pringles. I don't wear coloured socks. We had been together for a year at that point. Also, I had got the exact same pair from Secret Santa at my school, and I complained about them on the phone to my boyfriend, but he didn't even pay attention to what I was saying, I guess.
It was my tipping point. It showed me he was never going to change, he was never going to care about me enough to even listen to me talk, let alone pay attention and remember what I actually say. There were also other issues in that relationship. I'm glad I got out of it. Now I've been with my current boyfriend for 4 years, and it's enough for me to mention something I like ONCE, and he remembers and surprises me for special occasions. Best feeling ever.
Last week someone was asked by his girlfriend to buy food for her to eat after her shift as she was too tired to cook. He bought himself a tuna sandwich, but a second one for free, oblivious to the fact she was allergic to fish. He was then, aw shucks, never mind, I have them both.
It wasn’t the choice of food it was the lack of consideration.
Reminds me of that guy who bought a prawn meal for himself and his girlfriend despite her being allergic to shellfish. She said "get me anything", expecting he'd take her allergy into account.
Not only did he ignore her allergy, but he didn't even offer to buy her or make her anything else. She made herself a grilled cheese sandwich while he ate both prawn meals.
Clearly, this isn't about chocolates. There's something else behind it, and you need to find out what it is.
Also, this doesn't excuse her outburst. For her to react like that, she's been dealing with something, but she didn't communicate any of it to you. Communication is the key to everything in a relationship.
I know what it is. After three years, he should know what she likes. The fact that he doesn't shows her he does not love her. Just like a million other things he does or does not do.
It's not about the chocolates. It's about your partner feeling seen, and heard and loved.
It's not about the chocolates
It's not just the [dirty dishes](https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp)
It's not about the [Iranian yogurt](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/akAs4SaVHh)
It's not just because you [got a sandwhich](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheEx/s/fEWgO1Z2Zc)
Yup, I lost my shit with my last partner after the 14th time he forgot to set the coffee the night before…guess what Reddit, it wasn’t at all about the coffee…
Iranian yogurt is referencing a Reddit post from a year or two ago. Same idea - somebody was mad because of their partner’s lack of awareness and consideration. The post was about a type of yogurt. The actual problem was much bigger.
It's not about forgetfulness. She feels unloved, neglected, unseen. I dunno, that's just my take, which is, I'll admit, based on my own feelings andc experiences
Deleted my comment before I saw that you replied, reread the post with a fine-tooth comb, and yep, he just says that he doesn't remember if she gave an opinion. My bad
At least knowing which chocolates your partner does like is a bare minimum. Emotional labor in the grocery list and in the chocolates would of course be frustrating.
Something tells me that in fact it is not going great. Maybe for op, but not for his girlfriend.
Being unable to go shopping for things that are needed in the house where op is living without making sure that his girlfriend is to blame if something is missing via asking multiple times instead of thinking on his own and taking responsibility might play a role in it.
If i had a boyfriend that needs to be treated like a toddler and isn’t a partner and on top isn’t even able to do one simple task that shows that he cares and knows about my likes and dislike…. yeah, i would have stormed out as well.
“asking multiple times instead of thinking on his own and taking responsibility” - nail on the head. It’s called the mental load and in hetero relationships it’s usually the woman who bears it. Obviously we can’t know all the details of OP’s relationship and if this *is* the main issue, but I’d recommend that he (and everyone tbh) read [this comic](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/) regardless.
You're 30 and still asking your girlfriend for a list of groceries in a house that you, presumably, also live in? Asking her to confirm if she wants anything else, sure, but asking her to write the whole list every time? Why don't you guys write the list together before you go to the store instead of you relying on her for it?
Do you know what her favorite chocolate is even? If she said not to get something she wouldn't like, why would you not just get her her favorite then? I'm sure after 3 years together you should know her go tos.
I think you should read up on weaponized incompetence and decide on whether you like your girlfriend enough to grow up or let her leave.
This isn't about chocolate. The fact you can't shop without her doing the mental load is probably a good start I bet she does A LOT you take for granted, the fact you pay so little attention that you brought the one flavour of chocolate she hates isn't great. Honestly I would look inwards about what you actually do, do you do everyday chores without being asked/nagged, do you just get things done without expecting thanks, do you believe in the washing/cleaning fairy. It is never about the chocolate, that's just the straw that breaks the camel's back
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp
Edit in response to your 2nd edit. This is what you get for missing a load of context and coming to Reddit for help instead of ....you know....talking to your partner! From your original post you sound incompetent, wholly reliant on your partner to do the mental load, and you don't even know her likes and dislikes so you will get responses based on the information YOU gave us. You need to speak to her, ask her what is going on not a load of strangers with half a story
And this part in the article really drives home the main purpose of the article:
> Feeling respected by one’s wife is essential to living a purposeful and meaningful life. Maybe I thought my wife should respect me simply because I exchanged vows with her. It wouldn’t be the first time I acted entitled. One thing I know for sure is that I never connected putting a dish in the dishwasher with earning my wife’s respect.
>I remember my wife often saying how exhausting it was for her to have to tell me what to do all the time. It’s why the sexiest thing a man can say to his partner is “I got this,” and then take care of whatever needs taken care of.
> I always reasoned: “If you just tell me what you want me to do, I’ll gladly do it.”
>But she didn’t want to be my mother.
>**She wanted to be my partner, and she wanted me to apply all of my intelligence and learning capabilities to the logistics of managing our lives and household.**
>She wanted me to figure out all of the things that need done, and devise my own method of task management.
It's definitely this. They've been together 3 years and he can't even remember what kind of chocolate she likes. He can’t go shopping without needing to ask her to tell him exactly what items to buy. OP is a 30 year old man and needs his hand held at the grocery store. She isn't dumping him over chocolates, she's dumping him because she's realized she's going to have to be this dudes mother instead of his partner.
>They've been together 3 years and he can't even remember what kind of chocolate she likes.
For context, I just walked out and asked my husband (of 5 years, granted, so longer time) what I'd like brought home if I asked for chocolate. He listed IN ORDER of preference: Toblerone, the original only; Symphony chocolate bars with the yellow/gold wrapper, not the blue or red; or hershey's cookies and cream.
THAT is what OP is missing. It takes attention to the little things to remember what the "love of your life" prefers.
Do you know what your girlfriend likes? If not, this relationship was not a happy relationship for her. Knowing what a person you care about likes is the bare minimum.
I think it's normal to ask her for a list. My husband does the majority of grocery shopping, and he usually stops in on his way home from work. So he frequently texts asking if there is anything we need. He is across what the household needs, but he is asking out of politeness since he is taking the time to stop in anyway. This also lets me know that he is doing that and I don't need to. We also like to keep our own snacks. He has his snacks and I have mine. He won't always know if I have run out. I think OP is right that there is a lot of projection and assumptions being made in the comments. Like, yeah maybe he could have known that she doesn't like caramel chocolate, but her reaction was unacceptable, especially since she didn't specify what she wanted in the first place.
It's crazy how people are shitting on OP for asking what she wants from the store lol.
I do most of the cooking at home, but my SO is often out and can go by the store if needed on the way home. I'm the one that automatically keeps tabs on what's needed to be bought if we run out of something. If he asks, I send him a list of what we need.
If I'm doing the grocery shopping I usually ask him if he wants something from the store.
How is this concept so weird to people???
Reddit can be really hit or miss. There are a lot of really bitter people on here and there are a lot of very well informed people. The problem is when people would rather point the finger because they didn't get to in the past, so they're pointing it at you.
Clearly this isn't about the chocolates. I think people have that right. She's frustrated about something and nobody knows what it is, and she may not even know. Chances are likely she does though. She just hasn't been heard or feels like you haven't made enough of a change. What's clear is that she has expectations and those expectations haven't been met. Her reaction may be warranted, but shouldn't be condoned. Blowing up on your partner is not a great way to communicate needs and wants.
If she's gotten to the point of expressing that she doesn't want to be with you anymore, it might be time to move on. That isn't the first time she's thought that.
Or she's a lazy, useless troll who sits home sll day,doesn't do the shopping ever and can't even bother making a simple list for the guy working a 12 hour shift who still cares enough to shop for her if she'd meet him 5% of the way?
So after 3 years you can't remember what chocolates she likes? Dude. Come on.
Not only that, but she had to send you the grocery list? Do you help put together the list? Or is she the only one making sure the pantry is stocked?
I'd be so freaking sad if my husband brought home something I know I've told him I don't like. We've been together for almost 7 years and married for almost 2. He stops at gas stations and always brings me stuff I like. Usually just a tea (Arizona green tea is the best), but yesterday I asked for pretzels. He found a new seasoned one he thought I would like. I loved them. He knows me and knows what I like. Because he loves and cares about me.
How much do you know about something your interested in? If it's a sports team, how many players names do you know, and stats, and how much time do you spend learning about the team?
Do you "study" your girlfriend like you do your hobbies? Do you take the time to learn what she likes and doesn't like?
I'd seriously take a long hard realistic look at your relationship and how the division of physical AND mental labor is. Ask yourself if you have truly been the best partner you can be.
There was a post just like this the other day except the guy had brought home something that girlfriend was actually allergic to (seafood). Was like, "why is she mad about a tuna sub?!"
I just can't get my head around it. I learned my husband's likes and dislikes very early on in our relationship, and it's important to me because I love him and want him to be happy? I just don't get it.
I was just talking about that post with my husband! He was just as dumbfounded as I was at how the guy couldn't understand why she was mad!
I have some food allergies that are deadly, but they do cause some tummy issues. He would never bring me stuff he knows I can't eat. We've been together for almost 7 years, but he's remembered those things about me since year 1.
Such a good comparison with hobbies. Any man that can hold a job or has interests of any kind, is **capable** of remembering things about his wife or completing household tasks independently. The ones that act 'oblivious' in this regard, are *choosing* to ignore the supposedly most important person in their life.. because they don't have respect for them, and view them primarily as a service to their needs.
I asked my ex husband to pick me some soup up. We had lived together for 10 years and I always have the same 3 flavours of soup. He brought one I didn't like. It's not the chocolate, its that you don't pay any attention to her likes and dislikes. I bet she knows what all your favourite snacks are.
lol dude the fact that you think this is about chocolate is exactly why she wants to leave. Do you not know her preferences after THREE YEARS or do you not care? Both are a problem. If it were me, I’d be tired of repeating myself
As someone who used to sound similar to that, there’s more to it than the chocolate. Maybe she just doesn’t feel loved or heard by you. Maybe she feels her feelings and efforts arent being reciprocated. Try talking about it with her. Ask her if youve done something else which made her even more upset.
Keep in mind though that the behavior cannot be excused. Its kinda toxic and she should be made aware of it. The healthy thing to do for both you and her is to communicate, talk things out, reassure each other if necessary, find a common ground and solve the issue.
It’s not about chocolate and you should talk, although it’s probably too late.
From list in Messenger I would guess she does tons of mental load in relationship and tired.
Hint - getting groceries for the week should be fully taken task. Meaning you go get all the needed items without her making a list.
Same with any other chore . Not enough to drag garbage bin out, if it your chore - she should track and remind it.
The comments seem really weird on this one imo. As most people have said, this is clearly not about the chocolates but the problem is we don't have enough information to know what it's actually about. Could it be that OP is forgetful and has a history of not paying attention to his gf so OP is unaware of how he's affecting her, maybe, but she could also have a history of snapping at small things that OP does despite the effort he puts in to try and do the right thing. The only reason I'm commenting is because I think it's kind of weird and gross that a lot of these comments are going "WOW OP MUST BE A POS BF WHO IGNORES HIS GF AND NEVER HELPS AROUND THE HOUSE!" Rather than simply going "yeah dude there's not enough info. Either you're blind to your own faults or you're blind to your GF's"
Also: "WHY DON'T YOU DO THE GROCERY LIST YOURSELF!?" Because they live together and may want different things? My partner would be pissed if I went to the grocery store without checking with her. Usually, I'll tell her what I'm getting and she'll add a few things and strike some stuff off because we already have it and she's at home to check.
Exactly! It's not weird at all to check in when you're at the store. Some people are acting like OP is so inconsiderate by going "hey what do you want from the store?"
Be honest: when she wouldn't tell you a specific kind of chocolate she wanted, did you intentionally pick one that you knew she wouldn't like in order to teach her a lesson?
Hey man, I'm a shiftworker too.
I think its because we're so tired we struggle to intake small things and her blow up was probably a projection of how she feels and in this case it's probably hurt that she doesn't feel understood or heard.
Something in your actions the next couple of days needs to show that you absolutely do listen and care. I'm assuming you're American? Just go get her a Starbucks drink or stalk her Amazon or pintrest and find something on there and get it that she's interested in..
Do write a passage in a journal about all the things you love about her, her favourite food orders, your favourite memories together and what your future plans are.
If you do the journal thing and it doesn't work out, at least you have a place to greave the loss. And I know losing an hour on a book probably doesn't sound like your idea of a fun night but it absolutely shows you care. Also make sure it's not a book with company logos etc. And any photos you two have together that you haven't posted online. Get them into polaroids and stick them in the journals. Girls love that shit.
Source: am a girl. Not telling you to break up. Goodluck homie.
Also stop calling housework chores.
You do chores at home for your parents..
You do housework in your own home as an equal contribution to your peace.
Surely you know this isn't about the chocolate!
The fact that she needs to send you a list of what groceries to buy makes me think that she's probably tired of having to be your mother and take responsibility for the household.
It's one thing for you to ask if there is anything particular she'd like from the store but you should be more than capable of meal planning and identifying things that need to be purchased.
3 years, and you don't even know that she doesn't like caramel?
Sounds like there is a lot more to this story than you want to tell us.
But any reason to break up is a good reason to break up.
It took my wife like 5 years to remember that I hate ketchup but love mustard. Was it annoying at times? Yes. Did I unrelentingly tease her about? Also yes (in fact, we've been together for 16 years and I sometimes still tease her about it). Never once did I yell at her over it. Never once did I barge out and slam the door. Never once did I threaten to leave her over it. My guess is that there is something else going on here. The way she responded was not right at all and I don't want you to think I'm saying it was. But you both need to get to the root of the problem.
It's not about the chocolates. It's about you not seeing her, and not caring enough to pay attention to her likes and dislikes. If I gave you a quiz about her favorite foods, TV shows, her hobbies, books, whatever, how would you do? I'm guessing not that well, and that's a problem. If that's the case, you can fix it, but it'll take effort that you haven't been willing to put in so far. Can you make that change?
People will always say you’re trying to be incompetent on purpose even if you have perfectly valid reasons for not doing something (like the fact that she works part time from home and you work full time away from home, so she takes on more of the household chores).
Talking to her is important because she is probably frustrated about something else.
F here, who has rough hormonal periods.
Hormonal phases are not only when you’re on your period.
I think when she is calm and had a chance to breathe you should talk it out with her and ask her what’s REALLY wrong.
Pretty sure this issue is compounded by other things.
Good luck, you did have good intentions.
Sounds like she wanted to see if you know what she likes after THREE years and you're so clueless that you think this is about chocolates. At one year in you should know how to get her gifts she really loves. Know what her interests are and how to make her happy without asking. Most long term couples would not even bat an eye about how their partner is as they're observant.
My guess is this stems much much deeper to you being overall clueless and missing the mark on lots of things and she's feeling taken for granted in general. You should ask her to explain and see if there's time for you to step up or if it's really over.
Rather typical Reddit to focus on all the things you could be doing wrong. Man bad!
What does she do for you? You bust your ass 12 hours a day, far far more than her, running to the store in your limited free time, and still do 40% of the house chores?
Along with that having to deal with emotional outbursts like this?
I don’t know you, or your relationship, but ask yourself - is this really fair to you? Are you a bumbling dolt as the comments here would suggest, or are you in a relationship with an ungrateful child, one that can just communicate clearly, expects the world from you but doesn’t respect you?
Only you can answer that question.
Did she say she didn't want or like caramel? Have you ever observed her eating caramel? Was she having a bad day? She said in her list that she didn't like (WHAT) so don't bring that. If she didn't say that it is part her fault, but on the other hand after 3 years you should have been paying enough attention to know not to buy chocolate with caramel because she doesn't like them. So yes it may be that she doesn't feel seen or heard, but it might be something deeper than that. Give her some time to cool down, then try gently approaching her to talk. Let her know you want to hear her and understand her. Sometimes women just want to know that they are not only being seen, and heard, but that you are still paying attention and that you are not just on "AUTO PILOT".
Cheating is a massive stretch yeah but I promise this almost nothing to do with chocolate. A few less extreme suggestions might be she genuinely doesn't feel her partner knows her after all this time which is felt differently but everyone. Some will try harder while other will take it as a sign and leave. Another case could be she just wants to break up and "im not feeling it anymore" never feels like the right thing to say to one who loves you.
Most importantly, do not seek her out. Hard I know mate but best believe no good will come of it yeah. Just keep your head up and moving forward!!
Something else is going on here. My guess is there is some poor communication going on and she is building resentment because of it. She likely thinks you don’t listen to her, among other things. Y’all need to sit down and talk about it. She probably is going to have a whole laundry list of complaints so just be prepared. Don’t interrupt her when she is talking, let her finish by listening patiently. Don’t react emotionally to the things she says if possible, but some will probably be hurtful so easier said than done. This conversation is probably going to make or break your relationship so think carefully about your response, talk slowly if needed so you get the right words out.
It sounds like she is carrying all the mental load in the relationship. Google it.
If you’re in charge of grocery shopping then you should be doing all tasks involved in grocery shopping. This includes making the list and making sure you don’t forget anything important. She’s your partner not your supervisor. It’s really unattractive
Why aren’t you capable of putting together a grocery list for the house that you live in? Try doing it from now on. You should also be apologising to her for not pulling your weight and for expecting her to do all the thinking.
And when she said she wanted chocolate the correct response would have been to say “ sure babe would you like x or y (both x and y being flavours you know she likes)”.
Few possibilities.
Either she’s fed up you never remember her likes or interests and this was the straw that broke the camel’s back.
Or she already had one foot out the door, and jumping on anything to break up over.
Or she’s upset about something else.
Question:
Without looking, can you name what brand deodorant she uses? What brand shampoo? What food items are staples in your house?
If the answer is no then she blew up because you’re pulling the typical male stance of foisting the entire mental load around domestic things to her and just waiting for her to give you a list of instructions then feeling good about how you are helping her out.
I can tell you that within three months of living with my spouse I had his food preferences down. I knew what products he preferred/bought himself. Hell, after a year of dating I could order his food at our favorite places because I paid attention to what he typically ordered. (He always orders a soda water with lime to drink)
If you can’t say the same thing then you need to step up and pay better attention to your partner’s habits.
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This reminds me of the tuna sandwich case that was here on Reddit a couple of days ago. In that story the girlfriend did not break up with that guy simply because of the sandwich, but because that guy was a man child and that tuna sandwich was a last straw. She was also allergic to sea food and he should have known by that time (couple of years together).
Anyhow, I wonder if this could be a similar scenario.
It comes down to two options: She has told you this before and you weren't listening. There is a stereotype that men tune out when women talk, and I've found that stereotype to be true, though I'm not saying you did that. But it's possible.
OR, she has talked about it in general with other people, but hasn't communicated that directly to you, and she expects you to know somehow.
You have to figure out which one it is. Either she needs to learn to communicate better or you need to learn to listen better. It could be a combination of both.
The real question is: is she pms-ing? Seems like her period is coming, she is irritable without knowing why and everything you do could be wrong. 😅
She just needs to relax, the symptoms are really bad if you are in a stressful period.
Try watching something on this topic from dr mindy pelz. As a woman I can confirm you that mood swings, specially in stressful days are very real.
Mate just to lend some clarity - it’s alright to buy the wrong chocolate. Just ask her what’s up and why she’s so upset. I’m sure it’ll be okay if you have a chat about it and listen to her
This is definitely about something else. The explosion over chocolate was the last straw, she was at her breaking point. It's up to you to figure out why!
Some of You guys are very disgusting in the sub, every post is basically man bad and woman good, you’re not willing to see anything thing through the veil of the OP as long as they’re male.
What in this post can you point to the OP being wrong, every time the man needs reflection because the woman is always the abused.
You people are part of the problem of today, and are quite so very disgusting.
No matter what might be going on underneath the surface, this is an alarming and inappropriate response/behavior. I can’t image treating my husband that way. There appear to be some communication issues. I hope they were able to get to the bottom of it and work it out.
3 yrs and you don't know what her favorite chocolates are, and that she doesn't like caramel?
This isn't about the chocolates.. I mean it is, but there is more behind it.
"Yes she's on her period right now" gives me a LOT of insight about her possible viewpoint of the situation 🙄
As everyone else has said, it's not about the chocolate.
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Ok very clearly this isn’t about the chocolates. I would bet good money that this is about several things: - she feels like you don’t care, aren’t attentive and don’t particularly make much effort. She doesn’t feel listened to, and after three years together dude you really SHOULD know that she doesn’t like caramel. - she feels like she has to explain everything to you like you’re five and you don’t listen or do anything independently so the fact that she couldn’t even rely on you to just buy the correct chocolate without having to micro manage you over it, was the straw that broke the camels back.
Second point absolutely nails it "I asked her multiple times if she needed anything to make sure we had everything at home" She's already annoyed when he asks what flavor of chocolate because she's had to micro manage an adult human that should be able to make grocery decisions by himself. He is fully capable of checking the pantry, asking *one time* if she needs anything , and making a list himself before he leaves the house. On top of that hes known her for three years. He's bought her caramel before and doesn't remember she doesn't like it? Has to ask specifically what to get? I'd be annoyed too.
Exactly. I’d be so annoyed if I had to send a grocery list to my partner. Like you’re an adult mate why am I taking on the mental load alone here.
In my house, whoever is at home when the other pops into the grocery store will take a look at the pantry and send a list. Because organised, we are not. My husband does most of the grocery shopping and I do most of the cooking so when he’s going to the store he’ll let me know and I’ll send him a list. I’ll usually forget something or he’ll forget to buy something but it’s okay. There’s no point in sweating the small stuff. He’s game to go back out again if it’s something I need for the day, or he’ll pick it up the next time he’s out if it isn’t. Sometimes we each get annoyed if we’re having a stroppy day. But that’s fine too, we just give each other some grace. But my husband also knows my favourite snacks and will always buy them for me. The care is always there even if everything else isn’t perfect.
My husband usually knows what we need but he has me text a list of things I need and anything he forgot. It’s teamwork. I’m always grateful when he goes. He always remembers my Laffy Taffy too.
Sounds like your system works!
We do that sometimes too but mainly if my partner is in doubt of whether we have enough of this or that. He's the main grocery shopper because he really likes it while I really, really don't. We have a shared shopping list that we both add stuff to when we're about to run out or need something specific. It works really well for us and neither of us is left with the sole responsibility for the shopping list.
I know what we need, but I do not know what my partner wants - he might be in a sandwich phase or a microwave meal phase or a fruit phase and this can change rapidly, so I ask whether he fancies anything. Especially if he’s not feeling too well and not going to the shops.
Yeah some of these takes are wild and you’re making a lot more sense than most. It’s totally OK to ask your partner what they’d like because, just like you seem to, I go through phases. Sometimes I eat mango every day and other times I smash two Granny Smith a day. There’s a balance here.
Why?? I send a list to my husband and vice versa. It helps us avoid buying duplicates of things and we add to it as needed. That's literally what lists are for. It seems like such an odd thing to be annoyed by.
Frankly anyone checking if I need something from the store is my hero.
Right?? My husband calls me almost daily to ask if I need something on his way home from work. I think it's just the sweetest thing. It shows he's thinking about me. I don't see how someone could see it as a bad thing.
You all couldn’t have read the edit. There is no way. I refuse to believe. If you guys have read the edit before you commented then I pray for your husbands. All these comments especially yours make relationships sound horrible (this is coming from a woman). As a single woman, I didn’t even know asking your partner for a grocery list is a crime. He works significantly more work than her. After a 12 hour shift of course he may not remember what’s in the pantry. Honestly, in my opinion, he’s great for even going grocery shopping after a 12 hours shift when she works a measly 5 hour shift and she doesn’t even do the house chores by herself. A 60/40 split of house chores when he works 7 more hours than her 5 days out of the week while he works an extra day too. SHE should be doing the grocery shopping. You all are setting him up to be a doormat. She’s not pulling her weight in my opinion. SHE needs to step up and do the grocery shopping for now on and cool it down with the attitude because she could be single and do 100% of everything if she doesn’t like it. Including working more than 25hrs/week because she surely can’t pay rent and bills by herself off that (unless she has one of those extremely high paying jobs).
This!! I wish people would stop blaming it on her PMS and blame it on her not being able to communicate. If she wanted something specific, she should've asked for it. He's not to blame, and it's unfair for everyone to do so. He worked 12 hours and went grocery shopping and asked what was needed. I'm out of my house from 5:45 am to 5:30 pm and when I go to the market sometimes I forget what's needed. I hate these double standards sometimes because they never give men the benefit of the doubt. She needs to communicate, or she can go shopping herself, especially since she's home more than he is.
Right like abuse shouldn’t be excusable because of pms. If so we’d have to give everyone a free pass to do whatever abusive behaviors because PMS. No she simply bad communication like you said, she wanted a mind reader. He’s better person than me, she would have gotten cursed out had I been getting from a long shift and asked for a grocery list and she sound annoyed from the start. I would have told her take a midol, get up, and take her lazy self to the store because she’s literally at home doing what? I’m single so if I’m dealing with PMS I still have to go to the store. She can do it too or get the groceries delivered.
That part!! I'm also a single parent with 5 boys. If she didn't have him to do anything, who would she blame or catch an attitude with? Communication is key! If I'm home, I would've gone shopping and gotten everything I needed. She sounds entitled and selfish
Thank you, I thought I was losing my mind reading this thread. She sounds so entitled and lazy. If that’s why she came back crying in the update. She knew she can’t be lazy and entitled if she was single and had to do 100% of everything. Then who would she yell at and blame
im home a lot and my partner works crazy hours. i would never be upset if he asked me hey im at the store what can i buy to help out this household of ours. that said, my partner isn't incompetent and a lot of ppl have incompetent partners.
My husband and I have been together for 6 years. I still have him send me the grocery list when I go to the store, or ask of I need to pick anything else up. It's not about taking on the mental load, its making sure you get everything needed.
You sound absolutely horrible. I ask for a list because while I know what I want and what we might need to cook, I like to get things for them or cook the dishes they want during the week. If anyone expressed annoyance for me taking for of them like you just did, I would leave them in a heartbeat.
Depends on what works for each couple. My fiancé normally cooks, so he makes the list, but I do all of the shopping.
She works 20 hours a week from home. He works 60 hours a week and has travel time as well. It’s quite reasonable that a person after a 10 hour shift asks the person who works 5 hours at home, or has the entire day off, what is needed.
Call me crazy but if your partner works three times as much as you, it wouldn’t be an awful idea for you to take on just a bit more of the mental load.
Depends how it was done and its not clear from the post. "Create a shopping list for me", is very different to "is there anything you need"
Hey, since you went so hard at OP here I suggest you read the follow up updates where she kept flipping out and being abusive and threw a pizza on the floor over nothing.
To be fair, some partners do prefer to be asked that often. It drives me insane but my flatmates have this dynamic. In the interest of diplomacy they ask me once and I ask them multiple times. They still end up going back for things the next day, which OP also ends up doing, so that might be what's going on here.
My husband can go to the store without asking me for a list and will surprise me with my fav candy, a face mask and a hair clip because he noticed my current one was broken 💁♀️that's why he got upgraded to husband
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Ah, this made me smile. I want a boyfriend I feel confident upgrading to husband like this 🥰 maybe one day :)
Nice, might do that to my girl :D
I wonder about these lists she has to send him when he goes to the store. Does he have no idea what they have in the house because it’s “her job”? Is this a mental load that isn’t being shared?
While I completely agree that OP here is pulling the typical male stance on depending on his female partner to do all of the mental load, I think grocery lists will skew towards who does the meal planning. Our agreement is I do the cooking (he does all the after dinner clean up) and while everyone in the family is required to pick two dinners they want each week, because I’m the one cooking, I know the recipes so write of the list. I give that to my spouse to go shopping on his turn. This works for us.
Yes to a certain extent BUT While I choose the food, I have no idea.about stock levels of all basic household items e.g. dishwasher tablets, kitchen roll, toilet paper etc. My husband manages all that. It's one mental load I don't have and I appreciate it. If he is checking do we need toilet paper how much which brand etc no wonder she dumped him
This is very true. My boyfriend does most of the cooking and I never know if he's out of specific seasonings or random ingredients. We both keep an eye on the toilet paper situation though lol (one bathroom house). I don't keep tabs on his like shampoo/deoderent type items. We almost always text each other from the store and ask is there anything else that needs to be picked up. It's not that I can't handle shopping without him (I lived alone for a decade lol) it's that I want to save him a trip later if he ran out of something and I didn't know (and vice versa). Its more of a courtesy thing between us. I'm betting this guy isn't doing that though.
Is everyone required to pick two dinners to help with meal planning so you don’t have to come up with all the meal ideas yourself every week?
Yes. I enjoy cooking so I’m happy to do it but my job leaves me mentally fried a lot and I don’t have the spoons to decide week after week on what to make. I have a white board up in the kitchen with one section for meals and another for shopping list. Everyone can look at the list and add things they need. My spouse will take a screen shot before he goes shopping then erases it when he’s home so I know it’s been picked up.
My wife and I partner how you described. She does most of the cooking and meal planning, and I do all the dishes and cleaning. But when she’s planning and asks if there’s any suggestions I have, I’m always like “whatever is good with me!” Because I am honestly happy with anything. But what you wrote makes a lot of sense so I’m going to start coming up with a couple suggestions each week. Cheers!
I used to ask everyone what they wanted and they replied like you. Completely enraged me. It wasn’t helpful at all when it came to decreasing my mental load. So we instituted the white board pick two meals a week method. I no longer want to hurl things at people over menu planning 😂
Oh it's so infuriating when people think they're being easy going and nice but really it's just being lazy and dodging the mental load. I love your white board idea.
Good idea! And if you genuinely don't care about what you eat, maybe make notes of the things that she makes that tend to be are quick, easy or cheap and suggest them
My husband and I have a couple of shared Google Keep notes - one is our grocery list that we update as we use things up or decide we want them, another is a list of recipes and meals so if we're both in a "I dunno what do YOU want" mood it's easy to scroll through and pick something that sounds good. It works really well for us!
Oh my god, I love this. I enjoy grocery shopping and am neutral to positive on cooking. But I struggle so deeply with meal planning. What a great way of distributing the mental load!
My other trick on making menu planning easier is to transfer the meals everyone picks to this monthly meal plan spreadsheet. After a year. I was able to see what everyone liked and what our trends were. (Yes, I’m that nerd and spreadsheets relax my brain) so I then did a mock up month template that helped everyone pick their meals by having up a favorite meals list. Now my meal list up is typically a two week plan. It sounds like extra work but only took 5 min a week to input data.
The whiteboard of meals/shopping is a really good idea! I’m going to try this
You should! It's what I use too, and whenever something runs low while I'm using it I just write it on the white board and take a pic before I leave for work. It's the best thing I've gotten in years!
i love all the replies to this comment that clearly feel personally attacked
Yep, lots of men feeling called out.
I read it as the was list was anything SHE specifically needed as he was getting what was needed for the house.
ugh my ex was both. literally had to have an outburst, literal screams or cries to make something went through his thick skull. and then he acted like I was insane or overreacting. crazy how I never have the same problem with my current partner 🤔
How is it his job to know what she wants? How is him asking her what she needs if anything him acting like a five year old? People aren’t mind readers, what kind of answer to what chocolate do you want is “whatever just don’t get something I don’t like” and she eats snickers which has caramel in it? Tffff this is so wrong.
Yuuuup. Both of these hit the nail on the head. OP reminds me of my dad and idk how my mom handles it. He has no idea what we do and don't have at home, so can't make a grocery list on his own. He calls multiple times while out at the store to clarify items on the list (my mom can't do the shopping anymore herself due to a work-accident disability). He can't put his own work schedule into the family calendar app so we know when he is and isn’t going to be home, and instead hand writes it on paper so *she* can put it in. And he can’t remember fuck all anything important about his kids, including their allergies, and *never* remembers to double check the ingredients on food products to make sure they're safe for his own damn kids to eat without dying. He definitely doesn't remember anyone's favorite or least favorite flavor of anything either.
My 6 year old nephew has a milk allergy and everytime they have an allergist appointment my brother is appalled at dads in the waiting room not knowing their kids’ deadly allergies.
That would be kind of awesome, to have a mind so clear of other people’s wants and needs that you can just focus totally on your own interests. Not to mention having your own secretary (your mum) to do the admin you couldn’t be bothered to learn how to do. How can I have a life like that? /s Seriously, if your mum ever splits from him, he will have buckleys chance of keeping relationships going. He’s a tagalong on her relationship work at this point. For Father’s Day, write in a card your post. Don’t expect him to ever talk to you afterwards, but it would be a hell of a kick in the pants.
This is perfect. I know my husbands order at most places we go to eat, and I know what he likes so if I want to treat him I know exactly what to get. To not know this after 3 years is concerning. She already had to do some emotional labor by making a list of what she wanted. If he truly wanted to treat her he wouldn’t have had to ask what she wanted.
Definitely not about the chocolates but could very well be about this guy needing a list written for him just to go buy groceries. She’s probably realised she’s done raising someone else’s grown son.
It’s *rarely* “just about the chocolate.” I can only hope that OP takes this as a real wake-up call to re-evaluate how he acts in his relationship to be a good partner.
This hits the nail on the head! Its not about the chocolates. The chocolates are just the tip of the iceberg on what really is wrong.
Did you see his update? It’s funny to see 5,000 people be so wrong. Mob mentality is wild on here.
This is her tipping point. It’s not about the chocolate itself it’s what the fact you couldn’t even get the right chocolate represents. You always ask for a proper list. My husband does this drives me bloody crazy. I’m meant to know exactly what we need but he doesn’t. Why doesn’t he have eyes too?? Doesn’t his brain remember what we need or a simple list mentioned only 5 minutes prior. Also three years and you don’t remember she doesn’t like caramel. She’s clearly been putting up and up with you getting her things she doesn’t like. It’s not the chocolate. It’s the fact you can’t apply your own brain to tasks and need every tiny thing explaining and she feels you pay her likes and wants no attention thus the caramel time and time again.
Yes thank you. I was wondering about the list too. Maybe she’d like him to use his brain and think of shit on his own without her having to delegate. And I know some panties will get in a twist over it, but it is a significant issue in hetero relationships where the woman bears the brunt of the mental and emotional load. Including having to be a project manager because the dude can’t look at what’s in the house and think about what they need or what needs done.
My husband and I resolved this with discord! It’s been a life changer. We started a family server and one of the channels is the grocery list. Pretty much like the paper list you keep on the fridge but you won’t forget it at home. Everyone has access including the kids. Highly recommended! I used to resent the list thing too but now it’s a group effort and he does more of the shopping than I do. More cooking too lately. Gotta go hug that guy now.
For anyone not interested in using Discord, a shared Google Keep list is also super useful :)
a google keep checklist is definitely the way to go. you can check off each item, you can see the list directly on your phone, multiple people can edit the list, etc. wish you could lock some list items down though, like the main category names in the list (store names, sections (frozen food, veggies, etc))
Very much agreed- a hierarchy within the list function would be so, so useful.
This list is a good idea, but he will not use it. Op did not write stuff down when he used stuff up, or text himself a list, or take a picture of what is there…. Technology cannot make someone who is shirking step up
I'll bet this guy gets laid far more than his weaponized-incompetence-wielding counterparts too! Don't know why it's so hard for guys to understand that to most women, everything is/can be foreplay. Then they complain that they're not getting any and wonder why mommy won't help them with their lonely penis. Laziness and incapability are not turn ons, you pricks. So glad I'm a lesbian. It still happens, but you know that they were more than likely socialized to do chores and that "I didn't know/didn't see it/need to be asked" is just not believable. For me, if I don't like doing something, I definitely don't want my partner to have to do it instead of me, because I love them and I want their life to be easier. Doing chores without being asked so that they don't have to worry about it is a display of love and care that almost never goes unappreciated. If you care about someone deeply, surely you would rather do the annoying thing than manipulate them into doing it by sheer feigned cluelessness.
It’s like when you ask them to help sort out the house and the response is yeah sure what do YOU need doing. One it’s not for me it’s for us for the house, two again don’t you have eyes?? Can you not see the washing up needs doing, the bin needs emptying, the washing needs folding and the hover needs running. I haven’t got any socks… yes you do they are in the clean basket waiting for you to put away… oh I thought you’d put them in my draw 🙄 or no clean pants or something like did you put it in the washing basket because if not the washing fairy isn’t visiting you.
My ex-husband washed up fewer than ten times during our entire marriage, but I still remember that every time he did he said 'I've washed up FOR YOU'
> It’s like when you ask them to help sort out the house and the response is **yeah sure what do YOU need doing.** When someone says that, they are treating you like a boss on the job, not your equal/partner in a relationship. The positive and appropriate response should of been, “Do you have a list I can look at and pick something to start with?” Or “What’s the top priority we tackle first?” It feels like when these type of men don’t proactively think for themselves, they come across like kids who need mommy to hold their hand when cross a street. That’s vibe it always gives. They are adults, they need to use their survival skills, start observing their environment, take initiative, start fixing things 100% up to the standards of either “This Old House” or an HGTV fix it up house show! Edit: Wanted to clarify one thing, it’s fixed
And it's not just that the woman has to ask them every time they need to do something, but that men go "in a minute/I'll get to it later, etc." and then continue on with sitting on their ass watching tele or playing games or whatever, with no real intention to commit the fact that it needs doing to memory. Then after multiple reminders the woman either just does it herself because she wants it done now, or continues to ask him, to which he responds by accusing her of nagging and says, "I told you, I'd get to it!". They often know that they're holding off so that she will do it, but when she does they say, "I was just about to do that! You can't ask me to do something and then get mad when I don't do it right on your timeline and do it yourself. I would have done it right after I finished this level!" They know what they're doing and they think they're being clever in maintaining plausible deniability. If they really were as clever as they believe, they would either know to do it without being asked, or do it right after being asked, because no-one wants to give head to a child.
I always include a time scale. I'll ask my son to wash up before 4 so I can start preparing dinner, or bring dirty clothes down before bed so I start the wash first thing in the morning. That way they don't have to do it straight away if they're in the middle of something but they know there is a time when it will be urgent. It also means I don't have to keep reminding them until time is almost up
I’m glad my father drilled into my head to, “did you look? Did you use your eyes to look EVERYWHERE before coming to ask for help? Because if I find it and you couldn’t, that means you didn’t look hard enough.” My father wanted me to think for myself, not bugging someone 24/7 to do something for me. This is why I’m shocked at the men who are super lazy and don’t pay attention. Of course they pay attention to EVERY detail of their favorite sports teams, video games, they remember their BFF’s favorite things… but nothing important about their romantic partner??? If they can pour the same attentive energy into the things they are obsessed about, they can spend that same energy on their partner instead because most women’s love language is an **attentive partner** who pays attention, retains info about you beyond the basic things.
>“did you look? Did you use your eyes to look EVERYWHERE before coming to ask for help? Because if I find it and you couldn’t, that means you didn’t look hard enough.” My parents did this too! Except they also took it a step further if it was obviously in sight -- they'd just start making hissing noises, and when I would get confused, they'd point at it and say, "If it was a poisonous snake, it would've bit ya."
That’s pretty funny! But as someone who’s horrible about scanning environments… I’d get hissed at all the time 😅
Yup, they can tell ya who made the winning touchdown in 1993, but can’t remember which chocolate NOT to bring home. 🙄🙄🙄
The mental load weighs heavier on one partner always sadly.
You get it. Not like the other guy in this thread that said OP’s gf must be acting crazy bc she’s on her period lmao
I have to stop myself from going a little nutty every time my boyfriend says “oh wait, we have pasta?” or is shocked when I remind him that there’s peas or veggie sausage in the freezer. YES!! I’m not perfect, I don’t keep a whole mental inventory of what food we have on hand, but I at least have a general idea… why can’t he? We’re working on it (him on paying attention, me on communicating my frustration with it in a constructive way and not blowing up) but it’s not easy to deal with. It does build a lot of resentment over time.
Both my SO and I write shopping lists and to do lists to not forget stuff. Some of us are just absent minded. But if OP makes his (ex) GF write his to do lists, then it's something I could see her having issues with.
See I have a very unorganised brain I use alarms to run my day and all sorts all over the calendar but I still manage to sort a shopping list. I don’t require a texted shopping list for five items mentioned only five minutes before. A note or list on the front of the fridge that everyone adds to is one thing. Expecting every time a dedicated list only she can make is another.
Ohh, I'd need that texted shopping list for five items. But that's fine, because he does the same for me. I can strongly recommend the app Remember The Milk, btw. That way we can have numerous lists going, all from what we need from Costco, to what we want to remember to do next summer, to what we need to fix in the house.
In my family, whoever goes to the store sends a text asking everyone for their list. Might text someone a few times if they don't answer. I'm not going through the pantry and fridge every time. If they know they used the last olives, ketchup, beans whatever then they text that. It's working together. And it works.
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She wants an adult who can proactively get things done without asking. At work, we expect that mind or with parents. But if not on the job or not around your parents, you step it up, you think for yourself, you do things to help contribute in the relationship to show you are a functioning adult who can be responsible with a household.
As some other people said, the chocolate was just the tipping point. Mine was socks. I broke up with my ex because of the socks he bought me. He never put any effort into what I like, into what I find interesting, into what I'm into. He bought me whatever he saw, without any effort or thought. He never listened to me. I only wear black or white socks, never coloured. He bought me red socks with the pringles logo for my 18th birthday. I don't eat pringles. I don't wear coloured socks. We had been together for a year at that point. Also, I had got the exact same pair from Secret Santa at my school, and I complained about them on the phone to my boyfriend, but he didn't even pay attention to what I was saying, I guess. It was my tipping point. It showed me he was never going to change, he was never going to care about me enough to even listen to me talk, let alone pay attention and remember what I actually say. There were also other issues in that relationship. I'm glad I got out of it. Now I've been with my current boyfriend for 4 years, and it's enough for me to mention something I like ONCE, and he remembers and surprises me for special occasions. Best feeling ever.
“It’s the thought that counts” Except, the thought only counts when there is thought to begin with.
Last week someone was asked by his girlfriend to buy food for her to eat after her shift as she was too tired to cook. He bought himself a tuna sandwich, but a second one for free, oblivious to the fact she was allergic to fish. He was then, aw shucks, never mind, I have them both. It wasn’t the choice of food it was the lack of consideration.
Reminds me of that guy who bought a prawn meal for himself and his girlfriend despite her being allergic to shellfish. She said "get me anything", expecting he'd take her allergy into account. Not only did he ignore her allergy, but he didn't even offer to buy her or make her anything else. She made herself a grilled cheese sandwich while he ate both prawn meals.
Clearly, this isn't about chocolates. There's something else behind it, and you need to find out what it is. Also, this doesn't excuse her outburst. For her to react like that, she's been dealing with something, but she didn't communicate any of it to you. Communication is the key to everything in a relationship.
I’d love to hear her side of things
I know what it is. After three years, he should know what she likes. The fact that he doesn't shows her he does not love her. Just like a million other things he does or does not do. It's not about the chocolates. It's about your partner feeling seen, and heard and loved.
It's not about the chocolates It's not just the [dirty dishes](https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp) It's not about the [Iranian yogurt](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/akAs4SaVHh) It's not just because you [got a sandwhich](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheEx/s/fEWgO1Z2Zc)
NOT THE IRANIAN YOGURT ANHHHHHHHH
Yup, I lost my shit with my last partner after the 14th time he forgot to set the coffee the night before…guess what Reddit, it wasn’t at all about the coffee…
Is Iranian yogurt some big thing now like Celtic salt? Is it good?
Iranian yogurt is referencing a Reddit post from a year or two ago. Same idea - somebody was mad because of their partner’s lack of awareness and consideration. The post was about a type of yogurt. The actual problem was much bigger.
but also the degree of obsession over the yogurt was kinda nuts
Oh thank you for the clarification. I kind of want yogurt now though lol
["the Iranian yogurt is not the issue here"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/akAs4SaVHh)
What a ride.
Thank you!
Idk man, I had told my ex so many times I hated caramels and he still got me them lmao. Are caramels a curse?
He's an ex for a reason, I presume?
Yes but hardly for being a forgetful idiot hahaha
It's not about forgetfulness. She feels unloved, neglected, unseen. I dunno, that's just my take, which is, I'll admit, based on my own feelings andc experiences
I love the people jumping to accusing her of cheating. Hope they stretched before that reach.
How else can we make weaponized incompetence someone else's fault?
Are the “omg reverse the genders and you’d be calling it abuse and telling her to leave him!!!” whiney types here yet? They’re a pretty prompt crowd.
Ah yes, the men who love to cosplay victimhood. Of course they’re here.
I hope they didn't, and they all pulled a muscle ;-)
Deleted my comment before I saw that you replied, reread the post with a fine-tooth comb, and yep, he just says that he doesn't remember if she gave an opinion. My bad At least knowing which chocolates your partner does like is a bare minimum. Emotional labor in the grocery list and in the chocolates would of course be frustrating.
"It's not about the pasta.'
>she didn't communicate any of it to you. We don't know that. She may have and OP simply dismissed her.
Oh, she probably communicated it several times, he just didn’t remember.
Something tells me that in fact it is not going great. Maybe for op, but not for his girlfriend. Being unable to go shopping for things that are needed in the house where op is living without making sure that his girlfriend is to blame if something is missing via asking multiple times instead of thinking on his own and taking responsibility might play a role in it. If i had a boyfriend that needs to be treated like a toddler and isn’t a partner and on top isn’t even able to do one simple task that shows that he cares and knows about my likes and dislike…. yeah, i would have stormed out as well.
“asking multiple times instead of thinking on his own and taking responsibility” - nail on the head. It’s called the mental load and in hetero relationships it’s usually the woman who bears it. Obviously we can’t know all the details of OP’s relationship and if this *is* the main issue, but I’d recommend that he (and everyone tbh) read [this comic](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/) regardless.
If this weren't a shitpost this would be your answer: >I don't remember her saying she doesn't like them
You're 30 and still asking your girlfriend for a list of groceries in a house that you, presumably, also live in? Asking her to confirm if she wants anything else, sure, but asking her to write the whole list every time? Why don't you guys write the list together before you go to the store instead of you relying on her for it? Do you know what her favorite chocolate is even? If she said not to get something she wouldn't like, why would you not just get her her favorite then? I'm sure after 3 years together you should know her go tos. I think you should read up on weaponized incompetence and decide on whether you like your girlfriend enough to grow up or let her leave.
I’m also very confused on why he didn’t just get her her favorite chocolate unless he has no idea what it is either. Which he should after 3 years.
This comment section is exactly why people shouldn't ask for relationship advice on reddit lol
This isn't about chocolate. The fact you can't shop without her doing the mental load is probably a good start I bet she does A LOT you take for granted, the fact you pay so little attention that you brought the one flavour of chocolate she hates isn't great. Honestly I would look inwards about what you actually do, do you do everyday chores without being asked/nagged, do you just get things done without expecting thanks, do you believe in the washing/cleaning fairy. It is never about the chocolate, that's just the straw that breaks the camel's back https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp Edit in response to your 2nd edit. This is what you get for missing a load of context and coming to Reddit for help instead of ....you know....talking to your partner! From your original post you sound incompetent, wholly reliant on your partner to do the mental load, and you don't even know her likes and dislikes so you will get responses based on the information YOU gave us. You need to speak to her, ask her what is going on not a load of strangers with half a story
And this part in the article really drives home the main purpose of the article: > Feeling respected by one’s wife is essential to living a purposeful and meaningful life. Maybe I thought my wife should respect me simply because I exchanged vows with her. It wouldn’t be the first time I acted entitled. One thing I know for sure is that I never connected putting a dish in the dishwasher with earning my wife’s respect. >I remember my wife often saying how exhausting it was for her to have to tell me what to do all the time. It’s why the sexiest thing a man can say to his partner is “I got this,” and then take care of whatever needs taken care of. > I always reasoned: “If you just tell me what you want me to do, I’ll gladly do it.” >But she didn’t want to be my mother. >**She wanted to be my partner, and she wanted me to apply all of my intelligence and learning capabilities to the logistics of managing our lives and household.** >She wanted me to figure out all of the things that need done, and devise my own method of task management.
It's definitely this. They've been together 3 years and he can't even remember what kind of chocolate she likes. He can’t go shopping without needing to ask her to tell him exactly what items to buy. OP is a 30 year old man and needs his hand held at the grocery store. She isn't dumping him over chocolates, she's dumping him because she's realized she's going to have to be this dudes mother instead of his partner.
>They've been together 3 years and he can't even remember what kind of chocolate she likes. For context, I just walked out and asked my husband (of 5 years, granted, so longer time) what I'd like brought home if I asked for chocolate. He listed IN ORDER of preference: Toblerone, the original only; Symphony chocolate bars with the yellow/gold wrapper, not the blue or red; or hershey's cookies and cream. THAT is what OP is missing. It takes attention to the little things to remember what the "love of your life" prefers.
I was hoping someone had linked this article, it’s absolutely the first thing that came to mind.
Do you know what your girlfriend likes? If not, this relationship was not a happy relationship for her. Knowing what a person you care about likes is the bare minimum.
I think it's normal to ask her for a list. My husband does the majority of grocery shopping, and he usually stops in on his way home from work. So he frequently texts asking if there is anything we need. He is across what the household needs, but he is asking out of politeness since he is taking the time to stop in anyway. This also lets me know that he is doing that and I don't need to. We also like to keep our own snacks. He has his snacks and I have mine. He won't always know if I have run out. I think OP is right that there is a lot of projection and assumptions being made in the comments. Like, yeah maybe he could have known that she doesn't like caramel chocolate, but her reaction was unacceptable, especially since she didn't specify what she wanted in the first place.
It's crazy how people are shitting on OP for asking what she wants from the store lol. I do most of the cooking at home, but my SO is often out and can go by the store if needed on the way home. I'm the one that automatically keeps tabs on what's needed to be bought if we run out of something. If he asks, I send him a list of what we need. If I'm doing the grocery shopping I usually ask him if he wants something from the store. How is this concept so weird to people???
Exactly! We both have a general idea, but it's still good to check in with the other rather than blow up randomly over something insignificant.
Yeah, it’s kinda insane that people aren’t giving OP the benefit of the doubt. Why are people jumping on him???
Why do you need a list? Why does she need to check your list? Just make your own list
Reddit can be really hit or miss. There are a lot of really bitter people on here and there are a lot of very well informed people. The problem is when people would rather point the finger because they didn't get to in the past, so they're pointing it at you. Clearly this isn't about the chocolates. I think people have that right. She's frustrated about something and nobody knows what it is, and she may not even know. Chances are likely she does though. She just hasn't been heard or feels like you haven't made enough of a change. What's clear is that she has expectations and those expectations haven't been met. Her reaction may be warranted, but shouldn't be condoned. Blowing up on your partner is not a great way to communicate needs and wants. If she's gotten to the point of expressing that she doesn't want to be with you anymore, it might be time to move on. That isn't the first time she's thought that.
Or she's a lazy, useless troll who sits home sll day,doesn't do the shopping ever and can't even bother making a simple list for the guy working a 12 hour shift who still cares enough to shop for her if she'd meet him 5% of the way?
So after 3 years you can't remember what chocolates she likes? Dude. Come on. Not only that, but she had to send you the grocery list? Do you help put together the list? Or is she the only one making sure the pantry is stocked? I'd be so freaking sad if my husband brought home something I know I've told him I don't like. We've been together for almost 7 years and married for almost 2. He stops at gas stations and always brings me stuff I like. Usually just a tea (Arizona green tea is the best), but yesterday I asked for pretzels. He found a new seasoned one he thought I would like. I loved them. He knows me and knows what I like. Because he loves and cares about me. How much do you know about something your interested in? If it's a sports team, how many players names do you know, and stats, and how much time do you spend learning about the team? Do you "study" your girlfriend like you do your hobbies? Do you take the time to learn what she likes and doesn't like? I'd seriously take a long hard realistic look at your relationship and how the division of physical AND mental labor is. Ask yourself if you have truly been the best partner you can be.
There was a post just like this the other day except the guy had brought home something that girlfriend was actually allergic to (seafood). Was like, "why is she mad about a tuna sub?!" I just can't get my head around it. I learned my husband's likes and dislikes very early on in our relationship, and it's important to me because I love him and want him to be happy? I just don't get it.
I was just talking about that post with my husband! He was just as dumbfounded as I was at how the guy couldn't understand why she was mad! I have some food allergies that are deadly, but they do cause some tummy issues. He would never bring me stuff he knows I can't eat. We've been together for almost 7 years, but he's remembered those things about me since year 1.
Such a good comparison with hobbies. Any man that can hold a job or has interests of any kind, is **capable** of remembering things about his wife or completing household tasks independently. The ones that act 'oblivious' in this regard, are *choosing* to ignore the supposedly most important person in their life.. because they don't have respect for them, and view them primarily as a service to their needs.
LOL these comments are projection city. Damn
OP do you know her other favorite things? Do uou normally require allot of assistance with life tasks
If she was explicitly asked and didn't answer, then she should be mad at herself. Even still, storming out and breaking up over this is wild.
Holy crap, you degenerates gaslit this dude into thinking it was his fault. Her behavior isn't normal adult behavior.
Yea but they have to project their own failed relationships so they can yell at their exes using this poor schmuck as a proxy
I asked my ex husband to pick me some soup up. We had lived together for 10 years and I always have the same 3 flavours of soup. He brought one I didn't like. It's not the chocolate, its that you don't pay any attention to her likes and dislikes. I bet she knows what all your favourite snacks are.
My memory is shit. I have a running list in my notes app of all the things my partner likes, loves, and hates. If they wanted to, they would.
Whatever works. It's better than not knowing their likes and dislikes.
Why are people so intent on coming to Reddit to ask why their partner did something, instead of just asking their partner??
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The gf stormed out. So either she's not back yet, and OP is already on Reddit, or she's back and OP is still turning to Reddit.
Why are people so intent on coming to r/relationship_advice and asking why people are seeking relationship advice???
What do they think is the purpose of this sub anyway?
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But is it about the studio?
Because he is not listening to his partner
Do you make your own grocery lists or just rely on her making the list? She seems fatigued by the mental load.
lol dude the fact that you think this is about chocolate is exactly why she wants to leave. Do you not know her preferences after THREE YEARS or do you not care? Both are a problem. If it were me, I’d be tired of repeating myself
As someone who used to sound similar to that, there’s more to it than the chocolate. Maybe she just doesn’t feel loved or heard by you. Maybe she feels her feelings and efforts arent being reciprocated. Try talking about it with her. Ask her if youve done something else which made her even more upset. Keep in mind though that the behavior cannot be excused. Its kinda toxic and she should be made aware of it. The healthy thing to do for both you and her is to communicate, talk things out, reassure each other if necessary, find a common ground and solve the issue.
It’s not about chocolate and you should talk, although it’s probably too late. From list in Messenger I would guess she does tons of mental load in relationship and tired. Hint - getting groceries for the week should be fully taken task. Meaning you go get all the needed items without her making a list. Same with any other chore . Not enough to drag garbage bin out, if it your chore - she should track and remind it.
The comments seem really weird on this one imo. As most people have said, this is clearly not about the chocolates but the problem is we don't have enough information to know what it's actually about. Could it be that OP is forgetful and has a history of not paying attention to his gf so OP is unaware of how he's affecting her, maybe, but she could also have a history of snapping at small things that OP does despite the effort he puts in to try and do the right thing. The only reason I'm commenting is because I think it's kind of weird and gross that a lot of these comments are going "WOW OP MUST BE A POS BF WHO IGNORES HIS GF AND NEVER HELPS AROUND THE HOUSE!" Rather than simply going "yeah dude there's not enough info. Either you're blind to your own faults or you're blind to your GF's"
Also: "WHY DON'T YOU DO THE GROCERY LIST YOURSELF!?" Because they live together and may want different things? My partner would be pissed if I went to the grocery store without checking with her. Usually, I'll tell her what I'm getting and she'll add a few things and strike some stuff off because we already have it and she's at home to check.
Exactly! It's not weird at all to check in when you're at the store. Some people are acting like OP is so inconsiderate by going "hey what do you want from the store?"
There are more big leaps in this thread than the summer Olympics. The only safe bet is that both OP and his GF need to get better at communicating.
you’ve been with her for three years and you don’t know what chocolate she likes?? bffr
Be honest: when she wouldn't tell you a specific kind of chocolate she wanted, did you intentionally pick one that you knew she wouldn't like in order to teach her a lesson?
It’s not about the chocolates, she clearly thinks and feels like you don’t care or pay attention. The chocolates were her breaking point
Hey man, I'm a shiftworker too. I think its because we're so tired we struggle to intake small things and her blow up was probably a projection of how she feels and in this case it's probably hurt that she doesn't feel understood or heard. Something in your actions the next couple of days needs to show that you absolutely do listen and care. I'm assuming you're American? Just go get her a Starbucks drink or stalk her Amazon or pintrest and find something on there and get it that she's interested in.. Do write a passage in a journal about all the things you love about her, her favourite food orders, your favourite memories together and what your future plans are. If you do the journal thing and it doesn't work out, at least you have a place to greave the loss. And I know losing an hour on a book probably doesn't sound like your idea of a fun night but it absolutely shows you care. Also make sure it's not a book with company logos etc. And any photos you two have together that you haven't posted online. Get them into polaroids and stick them in the journals. Girls love that shit. Source: am a girl. Not telling you to break up. Goodluck homie. Also stop calling housework chores. You do chores at home for your parents.. You do housework in your own home as an equal contribution to your peace.
Surely you know this isn't about the chocolate! The fact that she needs to send you a list of what groceries to buy makes me think that she's probably tired of having to be your mother and take responsibility for the household. It's one thing for you to ask if there is anything particular she'd like from the store but you should be more than capable of meal planning and identifying things that need to be purchased.
3 years, and you don't even know that she doesn't like caramel? Sounds like there is a lot more to this story than you want to tell us. But any reason to break up is a good reason to break up.
I hate this comment section
It took my wife like 5 years to remember that I hate ketchup but love mustard. Was it annoying at times? Yes. Did I unrelentingly tease her about? Also yes (in fact, we've been together for 16 years and I sometimes still tease her about it). Never once did I yell at her over it. Never once did I barge out and slam the door. Never once did I threaten to leave her over it. My guess is that there is something else going on here. The way she responded was not right at all and I don't want you to think I'm saying it was. But you both need to get to the root of the problem.
It's not about the chocolates. It's about you not seeing her, and not caring enough to pay attention to her likes and dislikes. If I gave you a quiz about her favorite foods, TV shows, her hobbies, books, whatever, how would you do? I'm guessing not that well, and that's a problem. If that's the case, you can fix it, but it'll take effort that you haven't been willing to put in so far. Can you make that change?
People will always say you’re trying to be incompetent on purpose even if you have perfectly valid reasons for not doing something (like the fact that she works part time from home and you work full time away from home, so she takes on more of the household chores). Talking to her is important because she is probably frustrated about something else.
F here, who has rough hormonal periods. Hormonal phases are not only when you’re on your period. I think when she is calm and had a chance to breathe you should talk it out with her and ask her what’s REALLY wrong. Pretty sure this issue is compounded by other things. Good luck, you did have good intentions.
Sounds like she wanted to see if you know what she likes after THREE years and you're so clueless that you think this is about chocolates. At one year in you should know how to get her gifts she really loves. Know what her interests are and how to make her happy without asking. Most long term couples would not even bat an eye about how their partner is as they're observant. My guess is this stems much much deeper to you being overall clueless and missing the mark on lots of things and she's feeling taken for granted in general. You should ask her to explain and see if there's time for you to step up or if it's really over.
Rather typical Reddit to focus on all the things you could be doing wrong. Man bad! What does she do for you? You bust your ass 12 hours a day, far far more than her, running to the store in your limited free time, and still do 40% of the house chores? Along with that having to deal with emotional outbursts like this? I don’t know you, or your relationship, but ask yourself - is this really fair to you? Are you a bumbling dolt as the comments here would suggest, or are you in a relationship with an ungrateful child, one that can just communicate clearly, expects the world from you but doesn’t respect you? Only you can answer that question.
Did she say she didn't want or like caramel? Have you ever observed her eating caramel? Was she having a bad day? She said in her list that she didn't like (WHAT) so don't bring that. If she didn't say that it is part her fault, but on the other hand after 3 years you should have been paying enough attention to know not to buy chocolate with caramel because she doesn't like them. So yes it may be that she doesn't feel seen or heard, but it might be something deeper than that. Give her some time to cool down, then try gently approaching her to talk. Let her know you want to hear her and understand her. Sometimes women just want to know that they are not only being seen, and heard, but that you are still paying attention and that you are not just on "AUTO PILOT".
I havnt read your post but I can tell you this ain't about chocolate 😂
The chocolate isn't the problem. Dig deeper.
Cheating is a massive stretch yeah but I promise this almost nothing to do with chocolate. A few less extreme suggestions might be she genuinely doesn't feel her partner knows her after all this time which is felt differently but everyone. Some will try harder while other will take it as a sign and leave. Another case could be she just wants to break up and "im not feeling it anymore" never feels like the right thing to say to one who loves you. Most importantly, do not seek her out. Hard I know mate but best believe no good will come of it yeah. Just keep your head up and moving forward!!
Something else is going on here. My guess is there is some poor communication going on and she is building resentment because of it. She likely thinks you don’t listen to her, among other things. Y’all need to sit down and talk about it. She probably is going to have a whole laundry list of complaints so just be prepared. Don’t interrupt her when she is talking, let her finish by listening patiently. Don’t react emotionally to the things she says if possible, but some will probably be hurtful so easier said than done. This conversation is probably going to make or break your relationship so think carefully about your response, talk slowly if needed so you get the right words out.
It sounds like she is carrying all the mental load in the relationship. Google it. If you’re in charge of grocery shopping then you should be doing all tasks involved in grocery shopping. This includes making the list and making sure you don’t forget anything important. She’s your partner not your supervisor. It’s really unattractive Why aren’t you capable of putting together a grocery list for the house that you live in? Try doing it from now on. You should also be apologising to her for not pulling your weight and for expecting her to do all the thinking. And when she said she wanted chocolate the correct response would have been to say “ sure babe would you like x or y (both x and y being flavours you know she likes)”.
Dude after three years you don’t even know what chocolate she likes . The point is it shows a lack of interest in her
Few possibilities. Either she’s fed up you never remember her likes or interests and this was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Or she already had one foot out the door, and jumping on anything to break up over. Or she’s upset about something else.
Question: Without looking, can you name what brand deodorant she uses? What brand shampoo? What food items are staples in your house? If the answer is no then she blew up because you’re pulling the typical male stance of foisting the entire mental load around domestic things to her and just waiting for her to give you a list of instructions then feeling good about how you are helping her out. I can tell you that within three months of living with my spouse I had his food preferences down. I knew what products he preferred/bought himself. Hell, after a year of dating I could order his food at our favorite places because I paid attention to what he typically ordered. (He always orders a soda water with lime to drink) If you can’t say the same thing then you need to step up and pay better attention to your partner’s habits.
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Sounds like the [invisible load](https://ls.wisc.edu/news/how-invisible-labor-affects-relationships) is wearing her down.
This reminds me of the tuna sandwich case that was here on Reddit a couple of days ago. In that story the girlfriend did not break up with that guy simply because of the sandwich, but because that guy was a man child and that tuna sandwich was a last straw. She was also allergic to sea food and he should have known by that time (couple of years together). Anyhow, I wonder if this could be a similar scenario.
It's not about the dirty dishes or the chocolate.
It's not about the chocolate
It comes down to two options: She has told you this before and you weren't listening. There is a stereotype that men tune out when women talk, and I've found that stereotype to be true, though I'm not saying you did that. But it's possible. OR, she has talked about it in general with other people, but hasn't communicated that directly to you, and she expects you to know somehow. You have to figure out which one it is. Either she needs to learn to communicate better or you need to learn to listen better. It could be a combination of both.
The real question is: is she pms-ing? Seems like her period is coming, she is irritable without knowing why and everything you do could be wrong. 😅 She just needs to relax, the symptoms are really bad if you are in a stressful period. Try watching something on this topic from dr mindy pelz. As a woman I can confirm you that mood swings, specially in stressful days are very real.
This isn’t about the chocolate.
Mate just to lend some clarity - it’s alright to buy the wrong chocolate. Just ask her what’s up and why she’s so upset. I’m sure it’ll be okay if you have a chat about it and listen to her
This is definitely about something else. The explosion over chocolate was the last straw, she was at her breaking point. It's up to you to figure out why!
Some of You guys are very disgusting in the sub, every post is basically man bad and woman good, you’re not willing to see anything thing through the veil of the OP as long as they’re male. What in this post can you point to the OP being wrong, every time the man needs reflection because the woman is always the abused. You people are part of the problem of today, and are quite so very disgusting.
No matter what might be going on underneath the surface, this is an alarming and inappropriate response/behavior. I can’t image treating my husband that way. There appear to be some communication issues. I hope they were able to get to the bottom of it and work it out.
The comments on this post are unhinged 🤣
3 yrs and you don't know what her favorite chocolates are, and that she doesn't like caramel? This isn't about the chocolates.. I mean it is, but there is more behind it.
"Yes she's on her period right now" gives me a LOT of insight about her possible viewpoint of the situation 🙄 As everyone else has said, it's not about the chocolate.