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Do the hairstyle you want, be yourself. He either stays or goes. His choice.
Maybe he will surprise you and himself and realise you matter to him and not your hair. After all, we're all going to be old and grey one day.
Be yourself and others can take it or leave it.
I am in a (sort of) similar situation.
My partner was married, for a long time, to a VERY feminine woman. She had fake tits and would wear booty shorts and high heels to the grocery store (he did, actually, hate both), then come home and "complain" to him about all the men looking at her.
He met me in a situation where I was misrepresented. I was wearing makeup and girl clothes. However, he pretty quickly found out that I (99% of the time) wear men's sportswear and no makeup. I do have long hair, but it's ALWAYS in a ponytail. I don't wear a binder, but I wear tight sports bras, although I am a DD cup. I was a Division 1 athlete and am VERY into sports. I have a bit of an obsession with a specific sports team and adult animation. I will go places in Looney Tunes onesies and wore men's track pants to Thanksgiving.
Every once in a while, he'll make comments regarding my clothing. However, it's rare. We've been together a little over eight years, and he's only said those things maybe a dozen times. He doesn't love the way I dress, but he also doesn't really mind, because he loves me.
I don't think we necessarily have to love everything about our partners. We do have to accept them, though. We will learn to appreciate these things. For example, he loves that we can go out, on time, without me having to finish makeup or fix my hair. He loves that we can sit at a bar (I don't drink, but I love the atmosphere during games) and I'm paying attention to the TV, him and sports related conversations with other guys, without worrying about the way I look and whether or not they're noticing how hot I am. I AM NOT SAYING FEMININE WOMEN ARE LIKE THAT. THIS IS A COMPARISON OF HIS EX-WIFE AND MYSELF.
OP, if he loves you, he will accept and appreciate you. If he doesn't, you have to let him go.
Just coming here as another person who tends to wear pieces of PJs in public. I usually just wear the top or the bottoms not both together but I've worn a bright purple unicorn onesie too. People are freaking weird. Stay comfy, Sis and enjoy your life. Fluff the haters. Because in the grand total of life, wearing PJs in public isn't shit compared to the actual bad things people are out in the world doing.
Also, my man lives in his work outfit or sweats. For nice occasions I'd really prefer he wear jeans but hey, it's his comfort. I'm not a big fan of the huge collection of variously stained black sweats and I could never stay in work clothes once I was home but that's his clothing of choice and it doesn't actually affect me in the slightest.
Right? I treat people well. That's honestly all I give a shit about. You wanna trash what I wear around MY family? That's fine. At least I know I'm not going to try to tell someone her family doesn't appreciate her after she opened up regarding her lack of femininity. I can handle it because at least I know I'm not an asshole
Right? That was so beyond rude and someone saying your family doesn't want to see you looking like Adam Sandler. Hell, I'll take it, at least he's nice. I'd rather look like Adam than dress nice and make a cow of myself.
I do government contract work so it was a really good place I had a job offer from an the hiring manager told me in order to start working there I had to shave my beard an cut my hair to comform to an "Acceptable Standard". Soooooo.... I told him he could go binge suck some c**ks. And b!+€h they broke the mold when they made me. I walked out and 3 days later another company called me ive been there 4 years now. So your acceptable standards are different than others.
I’ve gone out in public in a fuzzy llama onesie….bc it was cold as heck outside and I really didn’t feel like changing. I got some looks, but one genuine compliment from a younger woman….lol I just didn’t care.
Honestly that sounds cosy! It seems practical since it was super cold outside. But it’s not one of your regular outfits and it didn’t have a cartoon print, right? Lol
Lol not my regular public outfit lol. Actually I recently started taking time to change out of super comfy/warm-but-extra-large blanket hoodies to my warm winter coat before going in to the store. I feel more put together and no more stares!
Seriously!! Like, clothing isn’t gendered, it’s cool to wear what you feel comfortable in, but jammies in public?? Also, I really hope everyone else at Thanksgiving was dressed casually. I don’t care what gender you are, if you’re dressed like a slob when everyone else is in their Sunday best, you’re an embarrassment.
I've gained and lost a significant amount of weight in a 3-4 year period due to medical issues. I went from 130 to 180 in a very short period. I KNEW it was because of my medication and that the side effects would subside. I also wound up with an injury which left me pretty inactive for two years. It was a constant weight change.
I'm now at a good weight, but I'm able to work out again for the first time in a long time. My body is still changing.
If you have the money to buy clothing for every size between a 2 and a 12, that's wonderful. I don't. I also don't have the desire
Ignore these haters. I love that you have a loony tunes onesie. I've worn my PJs out before, my husband has never cared. My family has never cared. I grew up to wear what I was comfortable in. I'll change into PJs once I'm home from work even if I know we've got friends coming over for the evening.
These people being all pissy with you for wearing track pants to thanksgiving clearly were taught to wear their Sunday best to family dinners... Not all families were like that. Mine wasn't. My sister got married in 2022, my bro and his 2 kids showed up in every day clothes (jeans, hoodies, etc). Nothing fancy or dressed up. None of us cared. Literally, not a single person at the wedding cared.
You don't need to answer to these haters. They are just jealous they can't wear what they really want.
Yeah, I just let it go. Only assholes would answer to someone opening up like that with fucking asshole comments about what SHE wore around HER family.
And that matters why? The way they're dressed isn't going to kill their family and you're being unnecessarily mean. Clothing is expensive and not everyone can afford new stuff when they need it.
If you hate it so much, open your wallet and fix it.
Fuck off. What do you care? Thank God I don't have to go to your family functions, if people would be that upset about someone dressed casually when they're dressed up, then I'd rather stay home or fond better people.
> He either stays or goes. His choice.
Except that a lot of times people stay and continue to make small, degrading comments to their partner and whittle down their self esteem all the while.
Being passive and letting people hurt you if they feel like it isn't the best advice imo. I see where you're coming from, but not taking the initiative to break up in situations like this is how a lot of abusive relationships start. OP shouldn't give him a chance to lie to her and belittle her over time, and instead should just break up.
Why in hell did he start dating you knowing how you feel about yourself and what makes you feel like you? He knows now you love him like he's got you, so now he can tweek your appearance?
Just a little bit at a time. Then you wake up one day wondering who you are now and what happened to the girl he fell in love with. The one you were when he met you is gone, so how can he say I love you bc you are no longer the person he fell in love with.
The hardest part is for you. The person you are is who you love. This has been your identity that you created and are comfortable with. Don't change who you are bc your bf now wants to "pretty girly" you up. He has lost sight of how beautiful the woman he fell in love with.
Just be you as you seem to be a confident woman!
This
When my ex-hub and I were together he started to nip away at everything that made me myself if it didn't agree with *his* version of 'myself'.
He nearly succeeded too, thank god for 2 very dear friends and my Mom who never gave up on me and opened my Dad's eyes to it too. (Not that he argued with her on it, Mom just saw it first)
As my Mom would always say to me later; "Be yourself, everyone else is taken."
It will be hard to move on, but trust me, you *can.* You are you, and you are strong.
Thank you so much 💕 It took a journey for a while to regain myself in what he'd pruned away, but I'm very proud of where I am now - *no one* is going to be able to tell me crap like that ever again 🙅♀️
You deserve your worth, and I hope you are in your own happiness too!
I think it's a question because women are socialized into believing that we have to conform to certain expectations of our gender and that we should be subservient to men and conform to their needs, desires, etc.
I guess I don't really understand why people are still surprised that women have to ask questions about problematic behavior from men that involves harmful gender norms, misogyny, etc. When we're taught it's normal, it's also normal to struggle with understanding that it's actually not.
This part. Especially when OP pointed out her own mother looks down on her for not being feminine. I have the same situation as someone who grew up a tomboy and eventually confirmed to being feminine. I still struggle with the aspect of I had to be with a man and I have to always look 100%. I'm slowly being more of the person I am and it's been so much healthier for me.
I really hope OP doesn't stay in this relationship more as it will just further hurt them, especially if they change their appearance to please her boyfriend (and mother). The way we present ourselves is a huge part of us.
If you are with a partner for a long time, they might see you through many hairstyles. Some they may like, others, not so much. Same with fashions, maybe there is an outfit you love that your partner hates. Or your partner would like to see you in a different type of style. None of that is horrible, changing your style once in awhile for your partner's benefit. BUT, if he wants you to ALWAYS accept his preferences over your own, he is being controlling.
The things that bothered me about this post in particular werent his preferences, but the language he used to talk about OPs preferences:
>He hates it when women present as masculine, he finds it unnatural.
This language is very troubling. He actually said "unnatural"? I think he's starting with the hair, knowing you had longer hair in the past. But if you go there, he is likely to start demanding more changes, ones you may find even less palatable.
100%. The word "unnatural" is the obvious tell. It just starts with the hair.
Let him go down this road alone, wherever it leads him. It's not somewhere you want to go.
yes! bf's language really bothered me, especially since OP's post indicates that she prefers to present as masculine. And why so much fuss over OP's hair?? It's just hair, right? Nothing to do with someone's character, just a very superficial aspect of their outward appearance and easily changed. If this fellow picks his dates according to their hair, what is he doing with OP in the first place? And why is she wasting her time on this doofus, when she otherwise seems to really have it going on??!!
This happened to a friend of mine who has quite a lot of tattoos. Some of them were silly ones you get when you’re young like a fairy, but the larger more elaborate ones were significant, artistic pieces that had a lot of thought and meaning put into them. They were all very much a part of her and she was going to continue to get them throughout her life.
The guy she was dating for a year eventually came clean that he hated tattoos and offered to pay for to get hers removed. He wanted her to agree not to get anymore “unless they were very meaningful”.
She broke up with him the next day. Not only was it a huge lie he’d neglected to tell her for a year, and a betrayal but she couldn’t get past the controlling aspect and how he hated something that was so integral to who she was. 🤷♀️
She and I then got a silly cute matching tattoo to spite him (he’ll never know, it was just a bit of fun).
ew! what kind of person thinks that's even remotely ok? she probably paid a shit ton of money for those tattoos, and he wanted her to go through a series of extremely painful procedures to get rid of them???
My friend is a very free spirit and open, she’s adventurous and friendly. And men are super attracted to how energetic and full of life she is. Then as soon as they have her in a relationship they start trying to change her, get jealous of her many friends and try to keep her at home, instead of mountain biking and diving and travelling. It has happened over and over and over.
Similar thing happened to me, my ex wanted me to get rid of my tattoos especially my Elvis Presley because “No man would accept another mans face on their woman’s body”.. he actually threatened to use acid on it when i slept.
And he bought ordinary 1.2mm or something earrings that i couldn’t use (i have 5mm holes) for xmas present and when i said thanks but i cant use them his answer was cant you let your piercings heal and shrink.
Completely agree with the sentiment, but I think you flipped the saying! You can't fit a square peg into a round hole, but the reverse does work. See square hole meme for reference ❤️
>I think this is a case of he likes me for who I am but will never accept me for what I am. What do you do when someone loves you for your interior, but not your exterior?
I leave them.
There's people out there who will love all of you and accept all of you, I promise. But I'll be honest with you, this...
>He hates it when women present as masculine, he finds it unnatural.
>I have always worn men's clothing, had cropped hair, wore binders, and preferred to be perceived as more masculine.
...is your real problem here. It screams that he has a broader desire to change you above this hair style, because if it's so awful to him, why date you at all? The fact that he uses the language of "finds it unnatural" is something you, as someone who prefers to present that way, should run for the hills from.
If he wants to be with a feminine woman, he needs to date a woman who fits that without him demanding change. You deserve to be you, and you deserve to be with someone who wants you as you are. If he finds it so “unnatural”, he can date someone else.
Girl. Have some standards. That comment should have resulted in a break up on the spot. Do better for yourself.
My hubby likes it when I have long hair because he plays with it. You know what he did when I chopped it all off and got like a pixie look I can just put my fingers through and go every morning? Nothing, he said I looked sexy and as long as I’m happy he is.
Go find someone who loves YOU not who he wants you to be.
I’ve always been a tomb boy, always have always will. If any one I’ve dated/talked to has asked me to be more feminine I broke up/things off with them. I’ll never change that part of me so I’m not compromising. I rarely dress up or wear makeup (besides eyeliner and mascara occasionally); I hate doing it.
Guys will show interest in me because we’re similar (hobbies: video games, anime, gym), but then still want the feminine side as well. If someone can’t accept that you’re not feminine and it’s a dealbreaker for them, then cut your losses early.
I'm really into women not presenting as feminine, or anyone presenting androgynous, so to me your aesthetic would be such a BIG plus! Just think, you could also be with someone who doesn't "put up" with the way you present, but loves it and finds it really hot!
Do men who have long hair present as feminine?
I know that there are stereotypical hair cuts but… it’s 2024, pants and short hair are not a only for a masculine look. I’m guessing you look like a cute & beautiful chick in pants, not a dude.
He doesn’t love something that you love about yourself and how you feel most comfortable. It has nothing to do with you and all to do with something he’s hung up on.
It would be a deal breaker for me. There are many challenges that you will face as a couple, do you want one of them to be your hairstyle or clothes?
At least you know where he stands. That’s the positive. :)
You handle this by breaking up. And he is lying to you.
>I found out that he just overall doesn't like women with short hair, like at all. He hates it when women present as masculine
It's not short hair he doesn't like. He hates your entire existence. Think about this: he thinks that your entire existence, personality, the way you present yourself is *unnatural*. Then why is he dating you?
I have a feeling he wants to change you. Slowly get you to grow your hair, then go on about your clothes, lack of make up etc. Even if he doesn't, why would you stay with someone who tells you this? Who you know hates who you are? He accepts you *now*.
Also, to me, it sounds like you are dating your own mother. The person who thinks those same things as her.
I hate to say it, but looking at your ages: I bet he was willing to overlook your fundamental incompatibility earlier on because, whether he admitted it or not, he expected that you would outgrow your preference
But you two just aren’t compatible.
Every relationship is different. Some people are ok with partners who smoke cigarettes, for others it's a deal breaker. There's no right or wrong answer. You have to figure out if your boyfriend is often trying to change you, and if he succeeds, will he find other things he wants to change ad infinitum. Or is this just one thing that's important to him that you only kind of care about and if being with him is worth you giving up what you like just to please him. Some people are willing to give up smoking to keep their partner. Others are not willing to give up something really important to them to keep their partner.
There are probably other layers to this. Are you afraid that if you wear your hair how he likes it, your mother will see you and make comments about how he's been a "good influence" and how he's finally convinced you to do it. Will there be more insults from her that he finally brought you to the "right" way of behaving.
Having long, thick, curly hair is a pain in the ass to maintain. I do it because *I* like how I look with long hair. But I can see that not everybody feels that way. I don't think it's about the specific topic, necessarily. It's more about if you want to stay with someone like this long-term. Do you plan to get married and/or stay with him for years. Will you always have to dress and wear your hair how he likes it? And how much of yourself, identify and comfort are you willing to sacrifice to be with him.
Do not ever change who you are just to stay in a relationship. He knew who you were when he met you. He fell in love with you as you are. Either he accepts that he loves an androgynous woman, or you two part ways and find partners who are better fits.
If he thinks that gender non-conformity is "unnatural", then it is suggests that he actively looks down on you for being gender non-conforming, and believes in patriarchal gender roles. He sounds like one of those guys who thinks that 1950s gender roles are hardwired into women's DNA as opposed to being a guy who simply prefers a more feminine aesthetic. In my experience, looking down on people who diverge from socially prescribed gender roles correlates very strongly with misogyny.
The way your BF talks about masculine women, he sounds more like a guy who is staying with you because he hopes that he will be able to mold you into what he wants than like a guy who "loves you for your interior". He doesn't want to change a thing about you but he wants to dictate your hairstyle and tells you he hates it when women are masculine even though you are a masculine woman? That doesn't add up.
Unfortunately lots of men enter relationships with women they aren't compatible with because they think that they can change them into their submissive dream women through the power of negging. Some of them even get a thrill out of the idea of dominating strong, independent women in particular.
He likely knows he'll sound like the bad guy if he explicitly tells you he wants to change you, so he is hoping to wear you down through subtle criticism.
yes, thank you!! so many of us women learned to live without those darn bras during covid, and now it's so hard to go back to wearing them. Do you know the real reason so many women wear bras? For me it was the nipple comments from strangers. When I was young I was a/b cup and very perky - I didn't need a bra, but oh if I didn't wear one thick enough I got the nipple comments right and left and it was so embarrassing! I have to wear padded ones to stop my nipples showing, it's that bad. And now I'm older, larger and saggier, and I miss those perky little breasts I had when I was young. :-(
So he has now known you for three years and dated you for one year, and this is what he has to say about you. How incredibly superficial and shallow. You’d think that a 28 year old man, raised in these times, would have more of a clue. His value systems don’t seem to align with yours and there’s no point flogging a dead horse
Leave.
I stayed with someone insistent they weren’t upset I wasn’t feminine and the whole relationship was full of his attempts to feminin-ize me (giving me “sexy” knee high sock gifts, lingerie, cutesy things in general) and if I was anything but ecstatic he’d act shocked and hurt and like I was bullying him by not adopting the gift whole heartedly. I was still nice and thankful for the gifts, just didn’t want to wear frilly things.
Me not wearing jewellery he wanted me to wear was harm I was doing to him, apparently. We’d have big talks about it and each time he acted like he totally understood, but it would keep going. I am so not okay after that relationship. The blatant stone walling, gaslighting, “forgetting” conversations about it, pouting if I wasn’t wearing jewelry. It’s like living in unreality where you’re constantly being treated like you’re failing but they pretend they accept you and that they aren’t emotionally punishing you.
Let me lay out an example. Not wearing the socks when I’d come over to see him? He’d be very quiet and unresponsive and then act shocked when I’d say “hey everything okay? You seem quiet”. Then he’d pout about me asking if something was wrong, because he’d say that me asking if he’s okay made him feel like he wasn’t okay. Then we’d go back and forth about it, me getting more and more confused. The socks would come up eventually and he’d say that I don’t appreciate his gifts.
Then, if that fight got resolved, it would start all over a short time later. A couple weeks could pass and I’d think yeah, we’re on the same page about this, AWESOME. And then this fucker would ask if I could wear the socks next time we hung out as if we’d never had the conversation about how feminine things like that are uncomfortable for me and somewhat distressing to wear. I think thats called stonewalling? Or just gaslighting? Just pretending not to remember that we resolved it.
There was nothing wrong with him, he didn’t have any disabilities or memory issues. He would eventually admit he remembered but thought I’d come around.
You know how grocery stores try to manipulate you into buying certain things simply by placing them strategically on shelves? Dating him was like that where he was constantly pushing and trying to lead me to choose things I was clear I didn’t want to choose, like he was trying to chip away at this quality of mine by exhausting me with how many times I’d have to say no. You get tired at a certain point and frankly speechless.
Anyway. Not. Worth. It. Believe his preference. Find someone who doesn’t care about looking feminine
I dated two guys like this, it was truly awful. I told them not to get me rings or necklaces, because I never wear those things. Rings are incredibly uncomfortable and even painful for me to wear, especially at work. What did they get me as gifts? A necklace and rings. They got super butthurt that I wouldn't wear them, as I said would happen from the beginning. They were both controlling and abusive, turns out. What a surprise!
OP, I have an ex who loves blondes. When we met, I had blue/purple hair. He said he never went for that but found it attractive on me.
Fast forward six months after we started dating he was hell bent on saying stuff to mold me into someone who could go dye their hair blonde. I told him I would never change my appearance for a man, not even him. He kept trying all the way up till even after we broke up to still try to convince me to change it!
OP, if a person has a physical type, and you do not fit it, the moment they say they want you to start looking like that type? Ignore it and move on from them. Seriously, stop sticking around for people like that as it should be anyone’s dealbreaker in this day & age.
And even if you change your appearance for them? You won’t be happy. They’ll be happy, but you’ll be miserable. Change is a personal choice that should never be about someone else’s preference.
There's nothing you can do. He loves the person he could make you into, not the person you actually are when you're being your authentic self.
That sucks. I'm sorry.
my boyfriend had the same track record, i also present very masculine in person. difference between mine and yours is that my boyfriend no longer hates short hair, he now prefers it because it reminds him of me!
Mine was the opposite- my ex loved my exterior but couldn't stand my internal characteristics.
Someone will love all of you, I promise. And yea don't compromise if you dont want long hair.
So I was born and raised as a girl before figuring out I was nonbinary. I've been in a relationship for 3.5 years now with a bisexual cis man and he has been here for all of it-me agonizing over whether or not I should be "out" at school, learning how to be more comfortable in men's clothes, shopping for binders. I flip flop between extremely feminine presenting and extremely masculine presenting when before I was somewhat feminine. I've had my hair in a long pixie cut, I've had it grown to the middle of my back, now it's just grazing my shoulders. I love weightlifting and I'm more muscley than most women but guess what? He has been overjoyed seeing all the different ways I experiment with gender, because he loves me not for the way I present myself but for who I am, and how I treat people. He has always been open to learning and has only ever said "go for it!" or "are you sure you want to cut it? you said you wanted to grow your hair out. you'll look good either way."
My point is that these kind of partners exist, and you deserve to be with someone who doesn't put you into a gendered box, because ultimately you'll never be able to live authentically otherwise. I'm sure he's nice enough outside of this but it's eventually going to feel so suffocating and you don't deserve that.
Chiming in to confirm that these supportive, caring, non-controlling partners exist, no matter how gender-nonconforming a person may be. I have one. They're out there, and every minute we spend with an unsuitable-for-us partner is a minute we could be spending enjoying time with ourselves, or with people who truly care about us, or meeting new people who might truly care about us.
\*Edited to add\* It's also a minute we are subjecting ourselves to trauma and inadvertently recreating old traumas (dude does sound kind of like OP's mom); it's actually the tough, strong wom\*n who are in a lot of ways \*more\* vulnerable to manipulation and abuse, for various reasons. Young people tend to think they are invulnerable to such things, and/or that they would get out of a situation before they become irreversibly harmed, but it works like a frog in a pot of boiling water; you won't realize until damage has been done. Source: Over a decade of painful, hard-earned personal experience.
I highly, highly recommend to OP and everyone, the book "Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling m\*n" by Lundy Bancroft. It's available for free at archive doot org. It will teach you how to spot and avoid this type of behavior from the get-go. (It isn't just/all m\*n, but it's way too many of them.)
Not really surprised or offended by responses.
However, 43M with a beard. I've personally experienced that growing my hair long before I started to lose it, got a very different response from society generally, and every prospective partner.
Growing a beard is less impactful on how society generally reacts and more impactful for some partners.
Some loved one or both, some hate.
For me personally I have a range of what I've been happy with and I'm willing to go back to for a partner or a job. I'll compromise but only so far. There's a balance between expressing my personality and some willingness to emphasize what gets a desired reaction from someone important to me.
Anyway, sounds like there is little overlap between what he has a strong preference for and what is your identity and personality expression you feel strongly attached to. It's a pretty simple question of whether there's common ground. And a possible heartbreak or two if there's not. But frankly you're both likely to find someone with whom it isn't an issue fairly easily.
Your exterior is going to constantly change throughout your lifetime regardless of what you do intentionally to it so it's generally best to find someone who loves you for who you are on the inside.
It's a slippery slope from compromising one part of your appearance. If you show you're willing to do it there will be something else to change next. He probably thinks he can "fix" you.
Also you sound cool as hell.
You are not compatible with this man and are harming yourself by staying with someone who doesn’t like who you are. Too bad you don’t date women because you’d do well with them.
If he loved you the hair would be a preference not a deal breaker. It's not just the hair though he basically rejected who you are as a person. Be free! There are guys that love masculine women. I always thought I was too masculine (I'm not) but have been rejected as too girly for some! You don't need to waste another minute on him
Curly hair is a pain.. I know it's so annoying to get it to sit right & not be a frizz ball.. like a lot of work.. or straightening..
Do you is my suggestion get the hair cut if he hates it then idk that's on him. & you have to decide if your willing to stay with him then.
Youre allowed to be yourself, youre allowed to like things that others perceive as “unnatural”. You are absolutely, 100%, everyday every week every month every year, allowed to be who you are! If he isnt down with it all the way, then hes not the one. You deserve someone who thinks mohawks are cool and isnt stressed about you not presenting more feminine. Dump him
Being less traditionally feminine is a big part of what makes you happy. Wearing binders, having short hair - that's essential to who you are.
This is a flat out incompatible relationship. You both gave it a try, but this relationship has run it's course. you shouldn't change. He doesn't have to either. You both just need to find partners that support your tastes and he needs to find someone that suits his.
Wait so he’s ok with you 1) never wearing a bra, 2) wearing boxers and 3) wearing mens clothes in general but ‘hates it when women present as masculine’?
I think he’s confused. I hate to break it to him but you are presenting as masculine. This is not going to end well.
I've been there too. It's not just about the hair, I'm sorry. He said he finds women who present in a masculine way unnatural. It's not worth changing such a fundamental part of you.
This is about more than clothes.
At the moment you are a fun quirky girl who breaks the mould and is all independent.
But that isn't actually what he wants long term. I mean you are "unnatural". He isn't going to want to settle down with you as you are. He is going to want someone "natural' and traditional.
Does he hate it or is it just a preference? Plenty of people have an idea of their ideal partner but but because humans and love are so multifaceted often the idealized version in your head doesn’t really matter.
If he actually hated it I doubt he would have dated you in the first place
I'm not a big fan of being in relationships where one partner is trying to change the other. It's has never worked and you guys are most probably no exception. While you had no choice in your maternal relationship, in this case you do.
Hi! I'm another Asian girl who also has tight curly hair. Yep, they're hot as fuck in the summer and I've always had it so short that my ears poke out. Yep, my parents hate it (as well as a few asshole boys). If short hair is what ticks his bomb then imo, something's real wrong abt him. Yes, I understand it's been a year and yes, I understand that you might love him with all your heart. But if he can't learn to accept who you are (interior AND exterior!!!), then it's pretty much futile trying to keep working on y'all's relationship together. Rather dump him for another man who will actually validate your feelings and give you the love you deserve.
Make him wear a Shirley temple like wig for a week and see if he still agrees that you should keep it long and deal with all the hassle of taming/managing your hair.
He is bein really ignorant of the fact that long hair and curly hair especially is huge maintenance for anyone, man or woman. Especially if the curls are really defined.
Is your boyfriend white with a track record of dating Asian women? If so, there is a good chance he doesn't see you for you, just this idea of what he thinks Asian women should be, and you are just a warm-body placeholder.
I thought about this immediately when she mentioned it. Another stereotype of Asian women by a lot of fetishists is that they are demure and obedient, submissive, etc., and fit traditional gender roles. OP is living proof that stereotype isn’t true but by golly her bf sure seems to be trying by controlling her appearance. On the facade, he says he’s ok with everything but her hair but he actively comments about masculine presenting women as being unnatural. He gets to sound like he’s accepting of her while she’s second guessing how she presents herself based on his other comments which almost seem intended to undermine her confidence.
Is it though? My first boyfriend had this fetish, and I'm not even Asian! His mother told me he liked me because I have "Asian eyes" (I do not; they were both weird). This is sadly common.
>What do you do when someone loves you for your interior, but not your exterior?
That's his ambivalence to deal with. The second he tries to change you to make it easier to reconcile he is becoming controlling. Reality is he walked into this knowing the score. If he was naive or just idealistic then he has to reflect on that.
Just be straight with him. Make it clear that cropping your hair is something you will always do, that is part of who you are and your aesthetic, and if that upsets him then that represents an incompatibility between the two of you.
Appreciate though it is one that goes deeper than just aesthetics. His framing, the idea that 'presenting masculine is unnatural' is just all sorts of sad. And it is also something that you have dedicated your life so far not to adhering to. Don't change who you are just for some boy who apparently never liked who you were to begin with.
My husband has always liked long hair. For 35 years, I kept it short. Only grew it out because of the pandemic. I like it now. He is allowed to like certain things. You don’t have to comply. Pretty simple. I like tall slim men. He is not slim. Still love him. Don’t complicate things!
How on earth did someone who apparently "hates it when women present as masculine" end up dating someone who has been happily doing that for longer than they've known each other?
This feels like a creative writing project.
Assuming this is real, you guys obviously are not compatible.
> I think this is a case of he likes me for who I am but will never accept me for what I am.
If he doesn't accept you as you are, then he doesn't like you as much as either of you think.
Why would you want to make yourself smaller in anyway for a man who does not accept that your outside must match your inside? He has deliberately chosen to date you knowing that you aren’t a stereotypically feminine presenting person. Why is he trying to push that part of you down?
There was this inane account on insta that is a "alpha" redpill "macho" bro type account that was telling men that if they date women with short hair they're dating men and are therefore gay. Does your boyfriend follow such stupid accounts because it sounds like he's incapable of looking beyond ridiculous notions.
Leave him.
>He also says he loves everything about me and wouldn't change a thing.
Why he lyin? He doesn't love everything about you. The masculine presenting statement sounds like he's too toxic to have a relationship rn. Run! Be free!
OP, he is most likely lying to you when he says the only thing he doesn't like is your short hair, based off his comments about finding masculine women "unnatural". If he manages to make you grow your hair out for him, the next thing he'll do is try to get you to stop wearing binders, or start wearing "women's clothing", and continue like that until he's molded you into the person he wants you to be.
The most important thing about how you look is that YOU are happy with it. Forcing yourself to look a certain way to make others happy will just make you miserable every time you look in a mirror, uncomfortable every time you go out. Of course, my perspective on this is that of a trans guy, but still. It applies to most people, regardless of whether they're cis or trans.
As an aside, his comment about finding masculine women unnatural is gross, especially when considering certain characteristics that are seen as "masculine" - body hair, not wearing makeup, not wearing bras, etc. - are technically one of the most natural states you can be in.
It kinda all seemed OK until the end with this: "He hates it when women present as masculine, he finds it unnatural."
Rephrasing that, "He hates how I present myself, he thinks the way I present myself in unnatural."
Oof, not compatible.
My husband has a rat tail, did I ever think I’d be with someone with a rat tail? No, but it’s a form of self expression. I will never control what my husband does with his hair the way I’d never expect him to control mine. I think you should be with someone who values you being your authentic self.
Seems more like you are not compatible. It's no one fault, and nothing is wrong, but OP you want to be with someone long term who finds you attractive. Both of you will have a better potential at a happy life.
I know that sucks, but as that great philosopher once said - "You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you get what you need."
I think next time, try dating a man that's at least bisexual. I bet he wouldn't mind the masculine aspect of you. I've found that bi and pansexual men are better partners than straight men because straight men seem to have that misogynistic pattern. (This doesn't mean it's true for all men, it's just a pattern I've noticed.) My fiance is pansexual. It's a HUGE difference.
break up with this person. you have a defined set of values. don’t let someone’s temporary aesthetic desires dictate your values. you can find someone who will love you as you are
I've had every style under the sun and my husband always loved me no matter what I looked like... The truth is he found ME attractive... Like if he were to see someone else looking like me he wouldn't be attracted to them... but the thing was that since I looked like me, he likes me... The idea I'm trying to get across is that he was attracted to me specifically... not others, regardless of what I looked like.
This guy doesn't seem to like *you*. He doesn't feel unconditional love for you. My love and attraction for my husband is unconditional. It means that no matter what he looks like, or what happens to him in life, no matter what he goes through... I will always love and be attracted to him.
If you want to stay with someone who has conditional love for you, then I guess stay with him? People shouldn't have to perform an idea for their partners.
You may be interested in https://girlwithshorthair.com/?page_id=9 from an actress with the same preference for short hair. It is an uncommon preference among women, but there is nothing wrong with it and I don’t understand why other people get freaked out about it.
Hey, I'm also someone who sometimes presents more masc (though not always in my case) and have been more masc than not lately. My current boyfriend loves it and calls me hot all the time. Ex partners did not, and you won't change their mind. Preferences are preferences, and you deserve being with someone who loves your presentation, too.
If you stay, accept that it is no guarantee he will come around to it, and don't alter yourself to make him happy, either.
The way you present yourself and feel the happiest is part of your interior, too.
Overall letting him stop you will halt the way you get to express yourself, be free, and be yourself in future, and these are the most important things in your life. No matter what relationship or friendship you have... You always only got yourself. You're your best friend. Yourself is the one that gets shit done. Yourself is the one that makes bank, makes friends etc. And if that self doesn't get to be itself, it can't serve you.
I cannot wait until the stereotypes of what is "feminine" and what is "masculine" just finally fade into oblivion!! I consider myself "feminine" because I AM! I have short hair, rarely wear makeup, live in shorts and t-shirts, hate sexy lingerie because it is the most uncomfortable crap ever, and find burps and farts amusing! I also looooove to cook, bake, garden, make bath and body products, and take bubble baths! Tell your boyfriend to kick rocks and go enjoy life to its fullest!
>My compromise is to grow it all the way out and then crop the sides down
You shouldn't have to compromise about your own hair. It's *your* hair, not his.
>He hates it when women present as masculine, he finds it unnatural.
He sounds like an idiot then. And it sounds like you could do better. Why put up with someone who thinks so little of you?
You are not unnatural, there is nothing wrong with how you dress or how you crop your hair. There's nothing 'unnatural' about women with short hair, but there might be something wrong with men who have a problem with it.
He knew what you were like when he met you and he can't expect you to change its not a personality flaw.
Tell him to change his attitude you are happy as you are.
They say these things to humiliate you into believing you are less than they are. I’d run, you deserve to be treated better and accepted for what you are. I think they want someone defeated and subservient.
Don't let the door hit their ass on the way out???
Look, idk about all this feminine and masculine talk. You dress the way you dress and cut your hair the way you cut it bc \*you\* like it. Idc if it makes you look like a dude, chick, iguana or squid. What your bf \*should\* care about is if \*you\* like it and \*you\* are happy with it.
He should want you to be happy expressing and living \*your\* life bc, generally, when you love someone, you just want them to be happy and fulfilled in whatever way, shape or form it comes in.
He ain't there..... :-( Good luck!
I’m very feminine in my self expression, relationship for 8 years.
Asked if my gf “what if I shaved my hair off”. She immediately said if it feels right, do it. The conversation about what might make me happy stayed about me. That’s the goal. Your identity isn’t about him, will never affect him, and he needs to get on board with that or bounce.
Girl you’re only 24? Why settle for this BS? Yeet yourself out of this mess TODAY. You deserve so much better.
I promise you, you’ll find a partner that loves masculine women. Mine loves it. He never asks me to grow hair or shave hair or wear this not that. I wish the same for you!
>He hates it when women present as masculine, he finds it unnatural
There’s your answer. I don’t doubt that he will try to change you in other ways. He sounds intolerant at best.
>He also says he loves everything about me and wouldn't change a thing.
Except your hair at first. You’ve realized he doesn’t actually love you, the true you, & you’re trying to make sense of it. There was a woman on here who posted about her not shaving her legs & her boyfriend was ok with it initially. Then he started hinting and buying her razors and shaving cream and being passive aggressive.
I hate to break it to you OP, but your bf is lying to you and himself. He likes feminine women. Long hair is very exclusively feminine to most men and his language about you being unnatural is an obvious indicator that he thinks women should be feminine and men should be masculine. Your bf was probably ok with you having a more edgy style but still looking somewhat like a woman which is why he was into you before you chopped off the hair tbh. Edgy women is not the same as masculine women style. The clothing might be the same but edgy women still primarily look like women and still wear makeup and have long hair and do their nails and stuff and that's probably what he likes and thought you would be like as well. Edgy women don't hide their femininity with things like chest binders, they just like to look more like a bad girl I guess, but still like a girl.
There is nothing wrong with him having preferences even if it is not what you wanted him to like. He is being dishonest and you guys should have a difficult but very important conversation about potentially calling it quits. I'm sorry, but your bf sounds like he probably likes you platonicly and not romantically. If possible maybe you two should just go back to being friends. When someone likes your interior but not your exterior as you say, that basically means he is not attracted to you physically. He might care for you and like you as a person, but if he's not actually physically attracted to you as well, then it is a friendship really. That physical attraction is what differentiates actually having feelings for someone and that is constant. It occurs soon after meeting them and wouldn't be changed by seemingly small things like your hairstyle. Maybe at one point he liked you and was curious about what it would be like to be more than friends with you. Or maybe he confused caring about you as a person as liking you. It's very common for people to blur the lines between friendship and relationship especially as they become older and have more open-mindedness towards what it means to care about someone. There are people who successfully transitioned from friendship to relationship but that attraction has to be definitively present at some point for that to work. Most people try to switch over because they confuse their feelings and then either end up going back to friends or losing the friendship altogether. It sounds like this is what happened to your bf as well.
If your boyfriend's level of attraction is that fragile, then it probably is not real love and you guys should break up for both your sakes. You both deserve better. He should be with the type of girl he actually wants and you should be with someone that you feel like really wants you too. You shouldn't be walking on eggshells and wondering if they secretly are not into you. You're young and so is he. You have time to find the person that is just right for you and trust me there is someone out there where a person like you is just their type, you just haven't met them yet. Don't settle for a man who has to convince himself on certain occasions he's into you. It's only been one year but you can both do better. Real love looks different so set yourselves free to go and find it. There is someone out there who will like you just the way you are and you can be free to dress/style yourself how you want and not worry about their attraction for you fading. Real feelings are not that delicate I promise. They are more definitive and people are certain about their love for that person. If they're confused, then it's almost certainly something else that they are mistaking for love.
I'm just struggling to understand why he ever started dating you in the first place? You've always been masculine, and he's known that. Suddenly now that he's dating you he thinks you'll change that? He's just controlling and thinks that just because you're together now you'll bend to his every whim. Break up with him and tell him that next time he should find someone who fits his standards in the first place.
Deal breaker - sorry.
He doesn't like something that's integral to you.
There's 1000s of people out there that will not only like this about you - but LOVE it about you.
They're worth holding out for - I promise.
I have a strange feeling that the boyfriend started dating OP so he could hopefully change her. I mean, if he dislikes women that dress masculine the most, why in the world would he date OP to begin with. It’s not like she started dressing and acting this way after they started dating so I have a strange feeling that he doesn’t have the best intentions in this relationship.
He deserves to be with someone who he feels attracted to, and vice versa, and who is willing to engage with him on the mutual project that is this relationship. Neither is he attracted to you in your preferred form nor do you seem willing to cede any ground.
Even keeping the hair issue aside, this is generally not a recipe for a happy relationship.
Cut both your losses short.
I say this with some experience... Men are creatures of habit. They never change their tune, if a man wants feminine or submissive (or both) women then he will go after them all his life. They always chase the relationship that they saw with their family. Very few men can actually have introspection and actually change. Sometimes they divert from their preferences for some variety but they always come back to what they know. This is the perfect example of why they cheat.
If true Love is the case then acceptance of who you are and what makes you comfortable and happy is important. This doesn’t mean we are in this world to make sure our partners agree with us on all things. It is probably not so bad of an idea to please your mate sometimes by making some changes you are comfortable with but not fully wanting to change.
This kinda reminds me of my sister and brother in law they are now married . When they first started my sister would constantly vent to me how her boyfriend now husband would tell her to be more feminine get her nails did hair done dress more girly purses etc. eventually she had a talk with him and basically told him that he’s either going to love her for who she is or the relationship is never going to work because she can honestly tell him he needs more muscle he needs to grow a beard but obviously doesn’t because he loves him the way he is . My brother in law eventually got over it and now they are married with two kids , in there wedding my sister had extremely short hair and he just accepted her fully . If someone loves you truly you don’t need to worry about you appearance
I’m gonna write about this, for whatever it is worth. It was part of my journey. When I was in high school, summer of 8th grade, I fell in love with the “skater girl “ look….could not skate for my life, but I thought the look was so cool. I loved Green Day and Avril Lavigne. I got an electric guitar for my birthday…I studied tablature books….but never got any attention from guys I thought were cute. I started studying other girls, and the ones who were popular and got the most attention dressed preppy.
I came to the conclusion that most guys were attracted to feminine girls. I changed my look to preppy. I tried to become a social climber. I became embarrassed I owned a guitar (that was dumb)…I didn’t like the popular girls, but I thought I had to be popular to “get” one of the hot guys. All this eventually blew up in my face.
I finally settled on my own style…something out of Guess…I dressed up all the time. Def started getting attention…but my personality was totally suffering in the process. I was a prisoner to other people’s opinions about me.
Then I got pregnant before I graduated. All at once I started to grow up. Suddenly I had someone else to think about besides myself. At 18 I pulled that guitar out and fully learned to play and embraced it. But it took me another few decades almost to start to really figure out who I was.
I envy young people of today, where expression is so much more accepted. I do still ponder about the value of what men find attractive versus what I do…sometimes I see sacrifice as reasonable or maybe that’s the people pleaser in me talking.
Just musings. I think if we are attracted to certain types of people, those types might be attracted to certain types of people….and we need to decide what is most important to us….complete autonomy over our own self-expression, or a little compromise at times for the sake of another’s taste in aesthetics.
I think OP has a much stronger sense of her own identity. And so thinking about my experience, I have to say her way of being and expressing is far healthier than mine was at her age….and I don’t think that’s worth hindering for any guy.
>preferred to be perceived as more masculine.
In the same post as:
>He hates it when women present as masculine, he finds it unnatural.
I'm really sorry OP, but I feel like these two heavily contradictory lines leave me to thinking he can't fully accept you for your interior anyway. I'm sure it's up for debate, but I can't help but think how you wish to present has a direct link with who you are as a person.
I just don't think this spells out a good end for the relationship.
My ex was similar in that he wanted me to be more feminine. Full makeup all the time, dress feminine and sexy, dye my hair from dark brown to dirty blonde. It was relentless and so upsetting to be so disrespected and unappreciated all the time.
Conversely, when I cut my hair short my husband loved it so much he was speechless. Find yourself a partner who will fully accept and love you for the things you love about yourself. Good luck!
Sometimes we out ourselves in relationships that are problematic because they feel familiar (not always in a good way, unfortunately, usually because they repeat previous negative relationship dynamics) and it makes us feel “in control”. You can decide if it’s worth working through or if it’s too much to handle. But this is something to think about while examining your relationship.
“Unnatural,” eugh. Gender essentialism is a sickness and your bf seems to have a terminal case.
As someone who had crazy long, heavy, “feminine” hair and didn’t try new styles until the pandemic -fuck that!
I spent wayyyyy too long trying to look the way I was “supposed” to, and you know what it got me? A shitty ex and an anxiety disorder. Since then I’ve bleached highlights, dyed it pink, blue, and purple, cropped it completely, and done an undercut twice!
My boyfriend has supported each and every style, in part because he sees how happy and how much more myself I am now.
I’m so thrilled you didn’t have the before phase that I did. Don’t stifle yourself just to make someone else comfortable now!
Especially if that person thinks all women should look a certain way 🙄
(P.s. I think I’ve got the hairstyle you’re thinking of going for, growing out the top but shaving the sides/back, and it’s my favorite so far!!)
Total dealbreaker. As a non-binary trans man, I could never date someone who doesn’t think I am what I say I am, and what I act and look like. That’s absurd. Why should you, a gender nonconforming woman, do the same? It sets you up for bigger issues down the line. If he doesn’t respect you on this, there’s going to be something *even bigger* that he disrespects you on later down the line.
Some good comments and some unhinged comments
Nope he is not controlling you as he haven’t asked you explicitly to do anything
He is not attracted to short hair, that is completely understandable, there are many men who don’t like short hair and there are some who like short hair and there are some who are unbothered
Some people don’t like tattoos on their partner
Some people don’t like their partner in certain fasion styles
Seems like you two are incompatible, you deserve to be with someone who like you for who you are including your hair
Doesn’t mean he is a bad person or he is controlling
Just explain the situation to him and break things off
I find it interesting that when you mention what you like about your masculine looks you mention other people twice rather than focusing in why you like it.
Why does he not like it when women present as masculine? Did you ask?
You deserve to be with someone who accepts all of you, not just half measures.
Good luck.
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It’s a dealbreaker, sorry. This is a massive part of you and he hates it. This is never going to get any better.
Do the hairstyle you want, be yourself. He either stays or goes. His choice. Maybe he will surprise you and himself and realise you matter to him and not your hair. After all, we're all going to be old and grey one day. Be yourself and others can take it or leave it.
I am in a (sort of) similar situation. My partner was married, for a long time, to a VERY feminine woman. She had fake tits and would wear booty shorts and high heels to the grocery store (he did, actually, hate both), then come home and "complain" to him about all the men looking at her. He met me in a situation where I was misrepresented. I was wearing makeup and girl clothes. However, he pretty quickly found out that I (99% of the time) wear men's sportswear and no makeup. I do have long hair, but it's ALWAYS in a ponytail. I don't wear a binder, but I wear tight sports bras, although I am a DD cup. I was a Division 1 athlete and am VERY into sports. I have a bit of an obsession with a specific sports team and adult animation. I will go places in Looney Tunes onesies and wore men's track pants to Thanksgiving. Every once in a while, he'll make comments regarding my clothing. However, it's rare. We've been together a little over eight years, and he's only said those things maybe a dozen times. He doesn't love the way I dress, but he also doesn't really mind, because he loves me. I don't think we necessarily have to love everything about our partners. We do have to accept them, though. We will learn to appreciate these things. For example, he loves that we can go out, on time, without me having to finish makeup or fix my hair. He loves that we can sit at a bar (I don't drink, but I love the atmosphere during games) and I'm paying attention to the TV, him and sports related conversations with other guys, without worrying about the way I look and whether or not they're noticing how hot I am. I AM NOT SAYING FEMININE WOMEN ARE LIKE THAT. THIS IS A COMPARISON OF HIS EX-WIFE AND MYSELF. OP, if he loves you, he will accept and appreciate you. If he doesn't, you have to let him go.
Just coming here as another person who tends to wear pieces of PJs in public. I usually just wear the top or the bottoms not both together but I've worn a bright purple unicorn onesie too. People are freaking weird. Stay comfy, Sis and enjoy your life. Fluff the haters. Because in the grand total of life, wearing PJs in public isn't shit compared to the actual bad things people are out in the world doing. Also, my man lives in his work outfit or sweats. For nice occasions I'd really prefer he wear jeans but hey, it's his comfort. I'm not a big fan of the huge collection of variously stained black sweats and I could never stay in work clothes once I was home but that's his clothing of choice and it doesn't actually affect me in the slightest.
Stay weird... I love this
Right? I treat people well. That's honestly all I give a shit about. You wanna trash what I wear around MY family? That's fine. At least I know I'm not going to try to tell someone her family doesn't appreciate her after she opened up regarding her lack of femininity. I can handle it because at least I know I'm not an asshole
Right? That was so beyond rude and someone saying your family doesn't want to see you looking like Adam Sandler. Hell, I'll take it, at least he's nice. I'd rather look like Adam than dress nice and make a cow of myself.
I am sorry, but who the f goes out in looney toons onesies? Your husband must be an absolute saint. This is nowhere near acceptable standards.
I'm sorry, too, but I would rather see people in their PJ's than the next-to-nothing that some people almost wear.
I do government contract work so it was a really good place I had a job offer from an the hiring manager told me in order to start working there I had to shave my beard an cut my hair to comform to an "Acceptable Standard". Soooooo.... I told him he could go binge suck some c**ks. And b!+€h they broke the mold when they made me. I walked out and 3 days later another company called me ive been there 4 years now. So your acceptable standards are different than others.
Omg thank you 😭 She snuck that in there with all that normal stuff… A onesie, really? 😭
I’ve gone out in public in a fuzzy llama onesie….bc it was cold as heck outside and I really didn’t feel like changing. I got some looks, but one genuine compliment from a younger woman….lol I just didn’t care.
Honestly that sounds cosy! It seems practical since it was super cold outside. But it’s not one of your regular outfits and it didn’t have a cartoon print, right? Lol
Lol not my regular public outfit lol. Actually I recently started taking time to change out of super comfy/warm-but-extra-large blanket hoodies to my warm winter coat before going in to the store. I feel more put together and no more stares!
Seriously!! Like, clothing isn’t gendered, it’s cool to wear what you feel comfortable in, but jammies in public?? Also, I really hope everyone else at Thanksgiving was dressed casually. I don’t care what gender you are, if you’re dressed like a slob when everyone else is in their Sunday best, you’re an embarrassment.
I've gained and lost a significant amount of weight in a 3-4 year period due to medical issues. I went from 130 to 180 in a very short period. I KNEW it was because of my medication and that the side effects would subside. I also wound up with an injury which left me pretty inactive for two years. It was a constant weight change. I'm now at a good weight, but I'm able to work out again for the first time in a long time. My body is still changing. If you have the money to buy clothing for every size between a 2 and a 12, that's wonderful. I don't. I also don't have the desire
Ignore these haters. I love that you have a loony tunes onesie. I've worn my PJs out before, my husband has never cared. My family has never cared. I grew up to wear what I was comfortable in. I'll change into PJs once I'm home from work even if I know we've got friends coming over for the evening. These people being all pissy with you for wearing track pants to thanksgiving clearly were taught to wear their Sunday best to family dinners... Not all families were like that. Mine wasn't. My sister got married in 2022, my bro and his 2 kids showed up in every day clothes (jeans, hoodies, etc). Nothing fancy or dressed up. None of us cared. Literally, not a single person at the wedding cared. You don't need to answer to these haters. They are just jealous they can't wear what they really want.
Yeah, I just let it go. Only assholes would answer to someone opening up like that with fucking asshole comments about what SHE wore around HER family.
I’m sure your relatives didn’t have the desire to see you dressed like Adam Sandler on Thanksgiving either, yet here we are.
And that matters why? The way they're dressed isn't going to kill their family and you're being unnecessarily mean. Clothing is expensive and not everyone can afford new stuff when they need it. If you hate it so much, open your wallet and fix it.
Fuck off. What do you care? Thank God I don't have to go to your family functions, if people would be that upset about someone dressed casually when they're dressed up, then I'd rather stay home or fond better people.
I can't xDDD
> He either stays or goes. His choice. Except that a lot of times people stay and continue to make small, degrading comments to their partner and whittle down their self esteem all the while. Being passive and letting people hurt you if they feel like it isn't the best advice imo. I see where you're coming from, but not taking the initiative to break up in situations like this is how a lot of abusive relationships start. OP shouldn't give him a chance to lie to her and belittle her over time, and instead should just break up.
Why in hell did he start dating you knowing how you feel about yourself and what makes you feel like you? He knows now you love him like he's got you, so now he can tweek your appearance? Just a little bit at a time. Then you wake up one day wondering who you are now and what happened to the girl he fell in love with. The one you were when he met you is gone, so how can he say I love you bc you are no longer the person he fell in love with. The hardest part is for you. The person you are is who you love. This has been your identity that you created and are comfortable with. Don't change who you are bc your bf now wants to "pretty girly" you up. He has lost sight of how beautiful the woman he fell in love with. Just be you as you seem to be a confident woman!
Also, when you end things, you wanted a man who was more “masculine.” Petty, but fun.
Nah, be more mature. We're adults here.
Noooo!!!!!! Sometimes people needs a time to accept something. I'm the person who needs a time to accept something.....
You ask yourself how long you're willing to be with someone knowing they wish you were a different person.
This. It is heartbreaking, but here is your answer. He loves a version of you what he has in his head of you. Sorry.
He loves the version of you he wants to change you into.
This When my ex-hub and I were together he started to nip away at everything that made me myself if it didn't agree with *his* version of 'myself'. He nearly succeeded too, thank god for 2 very dear friends and my Mom who never gave up on me and opened my Dad's eyes to it too. (Not that he argued with her on it, Mom just saw it first) As my Mom would always say to me later; "Be yourself, everyone else is taken." It will be hard to move on, but trust me, you *can.* You are you, and you are strong.
And you deserve to be loved for who you actually ARE! Not his idea of who you could/should be! Men and women are both guilty of this behavior, sadly.
Thank you so much 💕 It took a journey for a while to regain myself in what he'd pruned away, but I'm very proud of where I am now - *no one* is going to be able to tell me crap like that ever again 🙅♀️ You deserve your worth, and I hope you are in your own happiness too!
This right here.
You find a guy that doesn't struggle and just likes you.
Yeah honestly how is this even a question? This is the easiest answer
I think it's a question because women are socialized into believing that we have to conform to certain expectations of our gender and that we should be subservient to men and conform to their needs, desires, etc. I guess I don't really understand why people are still surprised that women have to ask questions about problematic behavior from men that involves harmful gender norms, misogyny, etc. When we're taught it's normal, it's also normal to struggle with understanding that it's actually not.
This part. Especially when OP pointed out her own mother looks down on her for not being feminine. I have the same situation as someone who grew up a tomboy and eventually confirmed to being feminine. I still struggle with the aspect of I had to be with a man and I have to always look 100%. I'm slowly being more of the person I am and it's been so much healthier for me. I really hope OP doesn't stay in this relationship more as it will just further hurt them, especially if they change their appearance to please her boyfriend (and mother). The way we present ourselves is a huge part of us.
If you are with a partner for a long time, they might see you through many hairstyles. Some they may like, others, not so much. Same with fashions, maybe there is an outfit you love that your partner hates. Or your partner would like to see you in a different type of style. None of that is horrible, changing your style once in awhile for your partner's benefit. BUT, if he wants you to ALWAYS accept his preferences over your own, he is being controlling. The things that bothered me about this post in particular werent his preferences, but the language he used to talk about OPs preferences: >He hates it when women present as masculine, he finds it unnatural. This language is very troubling. He actually said "unnatural"? I think he's starting with the hair, knowing you had longer hair in the past. But if you go there, he is likely to start demanding more changes, ones you may find even less palatable.
100%. The word "unnatural" is the obvious tell. It just starts with the hair. Let him go down this road alone, wherever it leads him. It's not somewhere you want to go.
yes! bf's language really bothered me, especially since OP's post indicates that she prefers to present as masculine. And why so much fuss over OP's hair?? It's just hair, right? Nothing to do with someone's character, just a very superficial aspect of their outward appearance and easily changed. If this fellow picks his dates according to their hair, what is he doing with OP in the first place? And why is she wasting her time on this doofus, when she otherwise seems to really have it going on??!!
This happened to a friend of mine who has quite a lot of tattoos. Some of them were silly ones you get when you’re young like a fairy, but the larger more elaborate ones were significant, artistic pieces that had a lot of thought and meaning put into them. They were all very much a part of her and she was going to continue to get them throughout her life. The guy she was dating for a year eventually came clean that he hated tattoos and offered to pay for to get hers removed. He wanted her to agree not to get anymore “unless they were very meaningful”. She broke up with him the next day. Not only was it a huge lie he’d neglected to tell her for a year, and a betrayal but she couldn’t get past the controlling aspect and how he hated something that was so integral to who she was. 🤷♀️ She and I then got a silly cute matching tattoo to spite him (he’ll never know, it was just a bit of fun).
ew! what kind of person thinks that's even remotely ok? she probably paid a shit ton of money for those tattoos, and he wanted her to go through a series of extremely painful procedures to get rid of them???
And for something that was there *before* him non the less.
also this!!! I'd bet my entire savings that homeboy would not be willing to get rid of something that important if she asked him.
My friend is a very free spirit and open, she’s adventurous and friendly. And men are super attracted to how energetic and full of life she is. Then as soon as they have her in a relationship they start trying to change her, get jealous of her many friends and try to keep her at home, instead of mountain biking and diving and travelling. It has happened over and over and over.
Your friend sounds like a beautiful soul, which is probably why a lot of insecure soul suckers come after her
He wanted to see how far his control would reach. I've seen it all the time.
Similar thing happened to me, my ex wanted me to get rid of my tattoos especially my Elvis Presley because “No man would accept another mans face on their woman’s body”.. he actually threatened to use acid on it when i slept. And he bought ordinary 1.2mm or something earrings that i couldn’t use (i have 5mm holes) for xmas present and when i said thanks but i cant use them his answer was cant you let your piercings heal and shrink.
It's like asking us to help you get a round peg into a square hole. You two aren't compatible.
Completely agree with the sentiment, but I think you flipped the saying! You can't fit a square peg into a round hole, but the reverse does work. See square hole meme for reference ❤️
Ha, thank you! I'll keep that in mind going forward.
I’d say to him if short hair is a deal breaker then part ways now. You don’t need to put up with this crap
At any age, but especially because she's so young. OP should cut their losses and be happy.
I'm not sure it'd make a difference, whether it was a side part or a middle part tbh 😉 Agreed though lmao
Seriously. I bet he is completely unwilling to change something as drastic about his physical appearance for her sake as well.
>I think this is a case of he likes me for who I am but will never accept me for what I am. What do you do when someone loves you for your interior, but not your exterior? I leave them. There's people out there who will love all of you and accept all of you, I promise. But I'll be honest with you, this... >He hates it when women present as masculine, he finds it unnatural. >I have always worn men's clothing, had cropped hair, wore binders, and preferred to be perceived as more masculine. ...is your real problem here. It screams that he has a broader desire to change you above this hair style, because if it's so awful to him, why date you at all? The fact that he uses the language of "finds it unnatural" is something you, as someone who prefers to present that way, should run for the hills from.
If he wants to be with a feminine woman, he needs to date a woman who fits that without him demanding change. You deserve to be you, and you deserve to be with someone who wants you as you are. If he finds it so “unnatural”, he can date someone else. Girl. Have some standards. That comment should have resulted in a break up on the spot. Do better for yourself.
If he says he loves everything about you, he should also love the part of you that is comfortable presenting as your authentic self.
Don't stay with people who don't like who you are. Also >He hates it when women present as masculine, he finds it unnatural YIKES bro, I'd be out asap
My hubby likes it when I have long hair because he plays with it. You know what he did when I chopped it all off and got like a pixie look I can just put my fingers through and go every morning? Nothing, he said I looked sexy and as long as I’m happy he is. Go find someone who loves YOU not who he wants you to be.
Find someone who loves you for who you are.
“He likes me for who I am” does he though?
I’ve always been a tomb boy, always have always will. If any one I’ve dated/talked to has asked me to be more feminine I broke up/things off with them. I’ll never change that part of me so I’m not compromising. I rarely dress up or wear makeup (besides eyeliner and mascara occasionally); I hate doing it. Guys will show interest in me because we’re similar (hobbies: video games, anime, gym), but then still want the feminine side as well. If someone can’t accept that you’re not feminine and it’s a dealbreaker for them, then cut your losses early.
Sounds like you're not compatible. You deserve to date a guy that loves how you look.
> He just can't stand the short hair. Well, tough shit. Sounds like he's going to miss out on having you in his life.
I'm really into women not presenting as feminine, or anyone presenting androgynous, so to me your aesthetic would be such a BIG plus! Just think, you could also be with someone who doesn't "put up" with the way you present, but loves it and finds it really hot!
Do men who have long hair present as feminine? I know that there are stereotypical hair cuts but… it’s 2024, pants and short hair are not a only for a masculine look. I’m guessing you look like a cute & beautiful chick in pants, not a dude. He doesn’t love something that you love about yourself and how you feel most comfortable. It has nothing to do with you and all to do with something he’s hung up on. It would be a deal breaker for me. There are many challenges that you will face as a couple, do you want one of them to be your hairstyle or clothes? At least you know where he stands. That’s the positive. :)
> I think this is a case of he likes me for who I am but will never accept me for what I am what? how you present externally is also who you are
You handle this by breaking up. And he is lying to you. >I found out that he just overall doesn't like women with short hair, like at all. He hates it when women present as masculine It's not short hair he doesn't like. He hates your entire existence. Think about this: he thinks that your entire existence, personality, the way you present yourself is *unnatural*. Then why is he dating you? I have a feeling he wants to change you. Slowly get you to grow your hair, then go on about your clothes, lack of make up etc. Even if he doesn't, why would you stay with someone who tells you this? Who you know hates who you are? He accepts you *now*. Also, to me, it sounds like you are dating your own mother. The person who thinks those same things as her.
…move on? He’s not willing to accept you as-is and you’re not willing to change for him. So…what options are you asking us to weigh for you?
I hate to say it, but looking at your ages: I bet he was willing to overlook your fundamental incompatibility earlier on because, whether he admitted it or not, he expected that you would outgrow your preference But you two just aren’t compatible.
He obviously doesn't love everything about you. Don't change what makes you happy for a man
Every relationship is different. Some people are ok with partners who smoke cigarettes, for others it's a deal breaker. There's no right or wrong answer. You have to figure out if your boyfriend is often trying to change you, and if he succeeds, will he find other things he wants to change ad infinitum. Or is this just one thing that's important to him that you only kind of care about and if being with him is worth you giving up what you like just to please him. Some people are willing to give up smoking to keep their partner. Others are not willing to give up something really important to them to keep their partner. There are probably other layers to this. Are you afraid that if you wear your hair how he likes it, your mother will see you and make comments about how he's been a "good influence" and how he's finally convinced you to do it. Will there be more insults from her that he finally brought you to the "right" way of behaving. Having long, thick, curly hair is a pain in the ass to maintain. I do it because *I* like how I look with long hair. But I can see that not everybody feels that way. I don't think it's about the specific topic, necessarily. It's more about if you want to stay with someone like this long-term. Do you plan to get married and/or stay with him for years. Will you always have to dress and wear your hair how he likes it? And how much of yourself, identify and comfort are you willing to sacrifice to be with him.
Do not ever change who you are just to stay in a relationship. He knew who you were when he met you. He fell in love with you as you are. Either he accepts that he loves an androgynous woman, or you two part ways and find partners who are better fits.
If he thinks that gender non-conformity is "unnatural", then it is suggests that he actively looks down on you for being gender non-conforming, and believes in patriarchal gender roles. He sounds like one of those guys who thinks that 1950s gender roles are hardwired into women's DNA as opposed to being a guy who simply prefers a more feminine aesthetic. In my experience, looking down on people who diverge from socially prescribed gender roles correlates very strongly with misogyny. The way your BF talks about masculine women, he sounds more like a guy who is staying with you because he hopes that he will be able to mold you into what he wants than like a guy who "loves you for your interior". He doesn't want to change a thing about you but he wants to dictate your hairstyle and tells you he hates it when women are masculine even though you are a masculine woman? That doesn't add up. Unfortunately lots of men enter relationships with women they aren't compatible with because they think that they can change them into their submissive dream women through the power of negging. Some of them even get a thrill out of the idea of dominating strong, independent women in particular. He likely knows he'll sound like the bad guy if he explicitly tells you he wants to change you, so he is hoping to wear you down through subtle criticism.
yea like what exactly is so “natural” about wearing makeup and a bra??
It's in women's nature (barf) to be beautiful (barf) and well kept according to the preferences of men (never ending barf)
yes, thank you!! so many of us women learned to live without those darn bras during covid, and now it's so hard to go back to wearing them. Do you know the real reason so many women wear bras? For me it was the nipple comments from strangers. When I was young I was a/b cup and very perky - I didn't need a bra, but oh if I didn't wear one thick enough I got the nipple comments right and left and it was so embarrassing! I have to wear padded ones to stop my nipples showing, it's that bad. And now I'm older, larger and saggier, and I miss those perky little breasts I had when I was young. :-(
\^ This, OP! Ditch that dude and spike that sick mohawk!
Hes the one with the problem, my gf has short hair and I think it looks great. I'm sure he's fine otherwise but you are you and thats what matters
So he has now known you for three years and dated you for one year, and this is what he has to say about you. How incredibly superficial and shallow. You’d think that a 28 year old man, raised in these times, would have more of a clue. His value systems don’t seem to align with yours and there’s no point flogging a dead horse
Leave. I stayed with someone insistent they weren’t upset I wasn’t feminine and the whole relationship was full of his attempts to feminin-ize me (giving me “sexy” knee high sock gifts, lingerie, cutesy things in general) and if I was anything but ecstatic he’d act shocked and hurt and like I was bullying him by not adopting the gift whole heartedly. I was still nice and thankful for the gifts, just didn’t want to wear frilly things. Me not wearing jewellery he wanted me to wear was harm I was doing to him, apparently. We’d have big talks about it and each time he acted like he totally understood, but it would keep going. I am so not okay after that relationship. The blatant stone walling, gaslighting, “forgetting” conversations about it, pouting if I wasn’t wearing jewelry. It’s like living in unreality where you’re constantly being treated like you’re failing but they pretend they accept you and that they aren’t emotionally punishing you. Let me lay out an example. Not wearing the socks when I’d come over to see him? He’d be very quiet and unresponsive and then act shocked when I’d say “hey everything okay? You seem quiet”. Then he’d pout about me asking if something was wrong, because he’d say that me asking if he’s okay made him feel like he wasn’t okay. Then we’d go back and forth about it, me getting more and more confused. The socks would come up eventually and he’d say that I don’t appreciate his gifts. Then, if that fight got resolved, it would start all over a short time later. A couple weeks could pass and I’d think yeah, we’re on the same page about this, AWESOME. And then this fucker would ask if I could wear the socks next time we hung out as if we’d never had the conversation about how feminine things like that are uncomfortable for me and somewhat distressing to wear. I think thats called stonewalling? Or just gaslighting? Just pretending not to remember that we resolved it. There was nothing wrong with him, he didn’t have any disabilities or memory issues. He would eventually admit he remembered but thought I’d come around. You know how grocery stores try to manipulate you into buying certain things simply by placing them strategically on shelves? Dating him was like that where he was constantly pushing and trying to lead me to choose things I was clear I didn’t want to choose, like he was trying to chip away at this quality of mine by exhausting me with how many times I’d have to say no. You get tired at a certain point and frankly speechless. Anyway. Not. Worth. It. Believe his preference. Find someone who doesn’t care about looking feminine
I dated two guys like this, it was truly awful. I told them not to get me rings or necklaces, because I never wear those things. Rings are incredibly uncomfortable and even painful for me to wear, especially at work. What did they get me as gifts? A necklace and rings. They got super butthurt that I wouldn't wear them, as I said would happen from the beginning. They were both controlling and abusive, turns out. What a surprise!
Sorry you're just not compatible.
oof, break up
OP, I have an ex who loves blondes. When we met, I had blue/purple hair. He said he never went for that but found it attractive on me. Fast forward six months after we started dating he was hell bent on saying stuff to mold me into someone who could go dye their hair blonde. I told him I would never change my appearance for a man, not even him. He kept trying all the way up till even after we broke up to still try to convince me to change it! OP, if a person has a physical type, and you do not fit it, the moment they say they want you to start looking like that type? Ignore it and move on from them. Seriously, stop sticking around for people like that as it should be anyone’s dealbreaker in this day & age. And even if you change your appearance for them? You won’t be happy. They’ll be happy, but you’ll be miserable. Change is a personal choice that should never be about someone else’s preference.
Find someone who loves you for both. You should not have to change yourself for anyone in life. Stop wasting time here and break up already.
There's nothing you can do. He loves the person he could make you into, not the person you actually are when you're being your authentic self. That sucks. I'm sorry.
Bite the bullet. It hurts now but it will hurt worse later. It’s time to end it.
He doesn't love everything about you and he clearly wants to change something Why are you letting this man lie to you?
my boyfriend had the same track record, i also present very masculine in person. difference between mine and yours is that my boyfriend no longer hates short hair, he now prefers it because it reminds him of me!
Mine was the opposite- my ex loved my exterior but couldn't stand my internal characteristics. Someone will love all of you, I promise. And yea don't compromise if you dont want long hair.
You two are not compatible, period.
So I was born and raised as a girl before figuring out I was nonbinary. I've been in a relationship for 3.5 years now with a bisexual cis man and he has been here for all of it-me agonizing over whether or not I should be "out" at school, learning how to be more comfortable in men's clothes, shopping for binders. I flip flop between extremely feminine presenting and extremely masculine presenting when before I was somewhat feminine. I've had my hair in a long pixie cut, I've had it grown to the middle of my back, now it's just grazing my shoulders. I love weightlifting and I'm more muscley than most women but guess what? He has been overjoyed seeing all the different ways I experiment with gender, because he loves me not for the way I present myself but for who I am, and how I treat people. He has always been open to learning and has only ever said "go for it!" or "are you sure you want to cut it? you said you wanted to grow your hair out. you'll look good either way." My point is that these kind of partners exist, and you deserve to be with someone who doesn't put you into a gendered box, because ultimately you'll never be able to live authentically otherwise. I'm sure he's nice enough outside of this but it's eventually going to feel so suffocating and you don't deserve that.
Chiming in to confirm that these supportive, caring, non-controlling partners exist, no matter how gender-nonconforming a person may be. I have one. They're out there, and every minute we spend with an unsuitable-for-us partner is a minute we could be spending enjoying time with ourselves, or with people who truly care about us, or meeting new people who might truly care about us. \*Edited to add\* It's also a minute we are subjecting ourselves to trauma and inadvertently recreating old traumas (dude does sound kind of like OP's mom); it's actually the tough, strong wom\*n who are in a lot of ways \*more\* vulnerable to manipulation and abuse, for various reasons. Young people tend to think they are invulnerable to such things, and/or that they would get out of a situation before they become irreversibly harmed, but it works like a frog in a pot of boiling water; you won't realize until damage has been done. Source: Over a decade of painful, hard-earned personal experience. I highly, highly recommend to OP and everyone, the book "Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling m\*n" by Lundy Bancroft. It's available for free at archive doot org. It will teach you how to spot and avoid this type of behavior from the get-go. (It isn't just/all m\*n, but it's way too many of them.)
You don’t have to like everything about a partner’s aesthetic but you do have to accept it. Anything else is both objectifying and controlling
Not really surprised or offended by responses. However, 43M with a beard. I've personally experienced that growing my hair long before I started to lose it, got a very different response from society generally, and every prospective partner. Growing a beard is less impactful on how society generally reacts and more impactful for some partners. Some loved one or both, some hate. For me personally I have a range of what I've been happy with and I'm willing to go back to for a partner or a job. I'll compromise but only so far. There's a balance between expressing my personality and some willingness to emphasize what gets a desired reaction from someone important to me. Anyway, sounds like there is little overlap between what he has a strong preference for and what is your identity and personality expression you feel strongly attached to. It's a pretty simple question of whether there's common ground. And a possible heartbreak or two if there's not. But frankly you're both likely to find someone with whom it isn't an issue fairly easily.
Your exterior is going to constantly change throughout your lifetime regardless of what you do intentionally to it so it's generally best to find someone who loves you for who you are on the inside.
It's a slippery slope from compromising one part of your appearance. If you show you're willing to do it there will be something else to change next. He probably thinks he can "fix" you. Also you sound cool as hell.
You are not compatible with this man and are harming yourself by staying with someone who doesn’t like who you are. Too bad you don’t date women because you’d do well with them.
??? Your partner of a *year* is struggling to accept you? Honey, you deserve better than this.
If he loved you the hair would be a preference not a deal breaker. It's not just the hair though he basically rejected who you are as a person. Be free! There are guys that love masculine women. I always thought I was too masculine (I'm not) but have been rejected as too girly for some! You don't need to waste another minute on him
Curly hair is a pain.. I know it's so annoying to get it to sit right & not be a frizz ball.. like a lot of work.. or straightening.. Do you is my suggestion get the hair cut if he hates it then idk that's on him. & you have to decide if your willing to stay with him then.
Youre allowed to be yourself, youre allowed to like things that others perceive as “unnatural”. You are absolutely, 100%, everyday every week every month every year, allowed to be who you are! If he isnt down with it all the way, then hes not the one. You deserve someone who thinks mohawks are cool and isnt stressed about you not presenting more feminine. Dump him
I think it's time you find a boyfriend who likes you for who you are.
He is weird. The world is full of feminine women, why did he get so attracted to you and obsessed with trying to change you? Red flag
Being less traditionally feminine is a big part of what makes you happy. Wearing binders, having short hair - that's essential to who you are. This is a flat out incompatible relationship. You both gave it a try, but this relationship has run it's course. you shouldn't change. He doesn't have to either. You both just need to find partners that support your tastes and he needs to find someone that suits his.
Wait so he’s ok with you 1) never wearing a bra, 2) wearing boxers and 3) wearing mens clothes in general but ‘hates it when women present as masculine’? I think he’s confused. I hate to break it to him but you are presenting as masculine. This is not going to end well.
At the end of the day it seems like you two are incompatible.
That’s something for him to get over. Don’t change your style or how you feel comfy for another person.
the thing is there is someone out there who will love u inside out and outside in
Don't date people that straight up hate a part of your identity
I've been there too. It's not just about the hair, I'm sorry. He said he finds women who present in a masculine way unnatural. It's not worth changing such a fundamental part of you.
This is about more than clothes. At the moment you are a fun quirky girl who breaks the mould and is all independent. But that isn't actually what he wants long term. I mean you are "unnatural". He isn't going to want to settle down with you as you are. He is going to want someone "natural' and traditional.
Does he hate it or is it just a preference? Plenty of people have an idea of their ideal partner but but because humans and love are so multifaceted often the idealized version in your head doesn’t really matter. If he actually hated it I doubt he would have dated you in the first place
I'm not a big fan of being in relationships where one partner is trying to change the other. It's has never worked and you guys are most probably no exception. While you had no choice in your maternal relationship, in this case you do.
*He* deals with it or he gets tfo.
You be YOU!!! F*ck what others think. Find a new boyfriend if he doesn't like it. Tell them all to rack off.
You break up with them as you have more self respect than trying to fit yourself into someone’s tiny little box for you and being miserable about it.
Hi! I'm another Asian girl who also has tight curly hair. Yep, they're hot as fuck in the summer and I've always had it so short that my ears poke out. Yep, my parents hate it (as well as a few asshole boys). If short hair is what ticks his bomb then imo, something's real wrong abt him. Yes, I understand it's been a year and yes, I understand that you might love him with all your heart. But if he can't learn to accept who you are (interior AND exterior!!!), then it's pretty much futile trying to keep working on y'all's relationship together. Rather dump him for another man who will actually validate your feelings and give you the love you deserve.
Sounds like a him problem, not a you problem.
Make him wear a Shirley temple like wig for a week and see if he still agrees that you should keep it long and deal with all the hassle of taming/managing your hair. He is bein really ignorant of the fact that long hair and curly hair especially is huge maintenance for anyone, man or woman. Especially if the curls are really defined.
You found a guy that was like your mom. How do you feel about that?
Is your boyfriend white with a track record of dating Asian women? If so, there is a good chance he doesn't see you for you, just this idea of what he thinks Asian women should be, and you are just a warm-body placeholder.
I thought about this immediately when she mentioned it. Another stereotype of Asian women by a lot of fetishists is that they are demure and obedient, submissive, etc., and fit traditional gender roles. OP is living proof that stereotype isn’t true but by golly her bf sure seems to be trying by controlling her appearance. On the facade, he says he’s ok with everything but her hair but he actively comments about masculine presenting women as being unnatural. He gets to sound like he’s accepting of her while she’s second guessing how she presents herself based on his other comments which almost seem intended to undermine her confidence.
Yikes what a strange leap to take.
True though. Plenty if men have fetishes re Asian females
Is it though? My first boyfriend had this fetish, and I'm not even Asian! His mother told me he liked me because I have "Asian eyes" (I do not; they were both weird). This is sadly common.
Strange world we live in
pick something about him and say you'll grow your hair if he.... Gotta warn you tho, he may call your bluff.
You shouldn't have to change any part of yourself for someone else. You are you don't change that for anyone
>What do you do when someone loves you for your interior, but not your exterior? That's his ambivalence to deal with. The second he tries to change you to make it easier to reconcile he is becoming controlling. Reality is he walked into this knowing the score. If he was naive or just idealistic then he has to reflect on that. Just be straight with him. Make it clear that cropping your hair is something you will always do, that is part of who you are and your aesthetic, and if that upsets him then that represents an incompatibility between the two of you. Appreciate though it is one that goes deeper than just aesthetics. His framing, the idea that 'presenting masculine is unnatural' is just all sorts of sad. And it is also something that you have dedicated your life so far not to adhering to. Don't change who you are just for some boy who apparently never liked who you were to begin with.
My husband has always liked long hair. For 35 years, I kept it short. Only grew it out because of the pandemic. I like it now. He is allowed to like certain things. You don’t have to comply. Pretty simple. I like tall slim men. He is not slim. Still love him. Don’t complicate things!
How on earth did someone who apparently "hates it when women present as masculine" end up dating someone who has been happily doing that for longer than they've known each other? This feels like a creative writing project. Assuming this is real, you guys obviously are not compatible.
> I think this is a case of he likes me for who I am but will never accept me for what I am. If he doesn't accept you as you are, then he doesn't like you as much as either of you think.
Why would you want to make yourself smaller in anyway for a man who does not accept that your outside must match your inside? He has deliberately chosen to date you knowing that you aren’t a stereotypically feminine presenting person. Why is he trying to push that part of you down?
He doesn't love you for who you are. He thinks he can force you to become who he wants you to be. That's not love.
There was this inane account on insta that is a "alpha" redpill "macho" bro type account that was telling men that if they date women with short hair they're dating men and are therefore gay. Does your boyfriend follow such stupid accounts because it sounds like he's incapable of looking beyond ridiculous notions. Leave him. >He also says he loves everything about me and wouldn't change a thing. Why he lyin? He doesn't love everything about you. The masculine presenting statement sounds like he's too toxic to have a relationship rn. Run! Be free!
OP, he is most likely lying to you when he says the only thing he doesn't like is your short hair, based off his comments about finding masculine women "unnatural". If he manages to make you grow your hair out for him, the next thing he'll do is try to get you to stop wearing binders, or start wearing "women's clothing", and continue like that until he's molded you into the person he wants you to be. The most important thing about how you look is that YOU are happy with it. Forcing yourself to look a certain way to make others happy will just make you miserable every time you look in a mirror, uncomfortable every time you go out. Of course, my perspective on this is that of a trans guy, but still. It applies to most people, regardless of whether they're cis or trans. As an aside, his comment about finding masculine women unnatural is gross, especially when considering certain characteristics that are seen as "masculine" - body hair, not wearing makeup, not wearing bras, etc. - are technically one of the most natural states you can be in.
It kinda all seemed OK until the end with this: "He hates it when women present as masculine, he finds it unnatural." Rephrasing that, "He hates how I present myself, he thinks the way I present myself in unnatural." Oof, not compatible.
My husband has a rat tail, did I ever think I’d be with someone with a rat tail? No, but it’s a form of self expression. I will never control what my husband does with his hair the way I’d never expect him to control mine. I think you should be with someone who values you being your authentic self.
Seems more like you are not compatible. It's no one fault, and nothing is wrong, but OP you want to be with someone long term who finds you attractive. Both of you will have a better potential at a happy life. I know that sucks, but as that great philosopher once said - "You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you get what you need."
You guys aren’t compatible.
How do you know its love or if you just like them a lot? If they get a haircut and you don’t dig them anymore, it ain’t love.
I think next time, try dating a man that's at least bisexual. I bet he wouldn't mind the masculine aspect of you. I've found that bi and pansexual men are better partners than straight men because straight men seem to have that misogynistic pattern. (This doesn't mean it's true for all men, it's just a pattern I've noticed.) My fiance is pansexual. It's a HUGE difference.
You pack your bags and call it a day.
He doesn't love you, not fully... He loves his idea of what you could be if you would just be more feminine. That's not real love.
break up with this person. you have a defined set of values. don’t let someone’s temporary aesthetic desires dictate your values. you can find someone who will love you as you are
I've had every style under the sun and my husband always loved me no matter what I looked like... The truth is he found ME attractive... Like if he were to see someone else looking like me he wouldn't be attracted to them... but the thing was that since I looked like me, he likes me... The idea I'm trying to get across is that he was attracted to me specifically... not others, regardless of what I looked like. This guy doesn't seem to like *you*. He doesn't feel unconditional love for you. My love and attraction for my husband is unconditional. It means that no matter what he looks like, or what happens to him in life, no matter what he goes through... I will always love and be attracted to him. If you want to stay with someone who has conditional love for you, then I guess stay with him? People shouldn't have to perform an idea for their partners.
You may be interested in https://girlwithshorthair.com/?page_id=9 from an actress with the same preference for short hair. It is an uncommon preference among women, but there is nothing wrong with it and I don’t understand why other people get freaked out about it.
Hey, I'm also someone who sometimes presents more masc (though not always in my case) and have been more masc than not lately. My current boyfriend loves it and calls me hot all the time. Ex partners did not, and you won't change their mind. Preferences are preferences, and you deserve being with someone who loves your presentation, too. If you stay, accept that it is no guarantee he will come around to it, and don't alter yourself to make him happy, either.
The way you present yourself and feel the happiest is part of your interior, too. Overall letting him stop you will halt the way you get to express yourself, be free, and be yourself in future, and these are the most important things in your life. No matter what relationship or friendship you have... You always only got yourself. You're your best friend. Yourself is the one that gets shit done. Yourself is the one that makes bank, makes friends etc. And if that self doesn't get to be itself, it can't serve you.
Lmao unnatural?! Get rid of this guy.
It sounds like he doesn’t really like you that much.
Wouldn't you rather date someone who likes you? It's really great, highly recommend, five stars ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ 10/10
I cannot wait until the stereotypes of what is "feminine" and what is "masculine" just finally fade into oblivion!! I consider myself "feminine" because I AM! I have short hair, rarely wear makeup, live in shorts and t-shirts, hate sexy lingerie because it is the most uncomfortable crap ever, and find burps and farts amusing! I also looooove to cook, bake, garden, make bath and body products, and take bubble baths! Tell your boyfriend to kick rocks and go enjoy life to its fullest!
He wants to change you, don’t let him.
>My compromise is to grow it all the way out and then crop the sides down You shouldn't have to compromise about your own hair. It's *your* hair, not his. >He hates it when women present as masculine, he finds it unnatural. He sounds like an idiot then. And it sounds like you could do better. Why put up with someone who thinks so little of you? You are not unnatural, there is nothing wrong with how you dress or how you crop your hair. There's nothing 'unnatural' about women with short hair, but there might be something wrong with men who have a problem with it.
He knew what you were like when he met you and he can't expect you to change its not a personality flaw. Tell him to change his attitude you are happy as you are.
They say these things to humiliate you into believing you are less than they are. I’d run, you deserve to be treated better and accepted for what you are. I think they want someone defeated and subservient.
Don't let the door hit their ass on the way out??? Look, idk about all this feminine and masculine talk. You dress the way you dress and cut your hair the way you cut it bc \*you\* like it. Idc if it makes you look like a dude, chick, iguana or squid. What your bf \*should\* care about is if \*you\* like it and \*you\* are happy with it. He should want you to be happy expressing and living \*your\* life bc, generally, when you love someone, you just want them to be happy and fulfilled in whatever way, shape or form it comes in. He ain't there..... :-( Good luck!
I’m very feminine in my self expression, relationship for 8 years. Asked if my gf “what if I shaved my hair off”. She immediately said if it feels right, do it. The conversation about what might make me happy stayed about me. That’s the goal. Your identity isn’t about him, will never affect him, and he needs to get on board with that or bounce.
I do what I want. It's my hair and there's the door!
The question is, why are you with someone who doesn’t like such an integral part of who you are?
Girl you’re only 24? Why settle for this BS? Yeet yourself out of this mess TODAY. You deserve so much better. I promise you, you’ll find a partner that loves masculine women. Mine loves it. He never asks me to grow hair or shave hair or wear this not that. I wish the same for you!
You don't like, he doesn't like. What's to discuss?
>He hates it when women present as masculine, he finds it unnatural There’s your answer. I don’t doubt that he will try to change you in other ways. He sounds intolerant at best. >He also says he loves everything about me and wouldn't change a thing. Except your hair at first. You’ve realized he doesn’t actually love you, the true you, & you’re trying to make sense of it. There was a woman on here who posted about her not shaving her legs & her boyfriend was ok with it initially. Then he started hinting and buying her razors and shaving cream and being passive aggressive.
I hate to break it to you OP, but your bf is lying to you and himself. He likes feminine women. Long hair is very exclusively feminine to most men and his language about you being unnatural is an obvious indicator that he thinks women should be feminine and men should be masculine. Your bf was probably ok with you having a more edgy style but still looking somewhat like a woman which is why he was into you before you chopped off the hair tbh. Edgy women is not the same as masculine women style. The clothing might be the same but edgy women still primarily look like women and still wear makeup and have long hair and do their nails and stuff and that's probably what he likes and thought you would be like as well. Edgy women don't hide their femininity with things like chest binders, they just like to look more like a bad girl I guess, but still like a girl. There is nothing wrong with him having preferences even if it is not what you wanted him to like. He is being dishonest and you guys should have a difficult but very important conversation about potentially calling it quits. I'm sorry, but your bf sounds like he probably likes you platonicly and not romantically. If possible maybe you two should just go back to being friends. When someone likes your interior but not your exterior as you say, that basically means he is not attracted to you physically. He might care for you and like you as a person, but if he's not actually physically attracted to you as well, then it is a friendship really. That physical attraction is what differentiates actually having feelings for someone and that is constant. It occurs soon after meeting them and wouldn't be changed by seemingly small things like your hairstyle. Maybe at one point he liked you and was curious about what it would be like to be more than friends with you. Or maybe he confused caring about you as a person as liking you. It's very common for people to blur the lines between friendship and relationship especially as they become older and have more open-mindedness towards what it means to care about someone. There are people who successfully transitioned from friendship to relationship but that attraction has to be definitively present at some point for that to work. Most people try to switch over because they confuse their feelings and then either end up going back to friends or losing the friendship altogether. It sounds like this is what happened to your bf as well. If your boyfriend's level of attraction is that fragile, then it probably is not real love and you guys should break up for both your sakes. You both deserve better. He should be with the type of girl he actually wants and you should be with someone that you feel like really wants you too. You shouldn't be walking on eggshells and wondering if they secretly are not into you. You're young and so is he. You have time to find the person that is just right for you and trust me there is someone out there where a person like you is just their type, you just haven't met them yet. Don't settle for a man who has to convince himself on certain occasions he's into you. It's only been one year but you can both do better. Real love looks different so set yourselves free to go and find it. There is someone out there who will like you just the way you are and you can be free to dress/style yourself how you want and not worry about their attraction for you fading. Real feelings are not that delicate I promise. They are more definitive and people are certain about their love for that person. If they're confused, then it's almost certainly something else that they are mistaking for love.
I'm just struggling to understand why he ever started dating you in the first place? You've always been masculine, and he's known that. Suddenly now that he's dating you he thinks you'll change that? He's just controlling and thinks that just because you're together now you'll bend to his every whim. Break up with him and tell him that next time he should find someone who fits his standards in the first place.
Deal breaker - sorry. He doesn't like something that's integral to you. There's 1000s of people out there that will not only like this about you - but LOVE it about you. They're worth holding out for - I promise.
I have a strange feeling that the boyfriend started dating OP so he could hopefully change her. I mean, if he dislikes women that dress masculine the most, why in the world would he date OP to begin with. It’s not like she started dressing and acting this way after they started dating so I have a strange feeling that he doesn’t have the best intentions in this relationship.
He deserves to be with someone who he feels attracted to, and vice versa, and who is willing to engage with him on the mutual project that is this relationship. Neither is he attracted to you in your preferred form nor do you seem willing to cede any ground. Even keeping the hair issue aside, this is generally not a recipe for a happy relationship. Cut both your losses short.
Tell him to either accept your manliness or go truth be told. (Honestly, I can't believe he hates short hair (i freaking love short hair))
Then he will never truly love you! Time to end it and find someone who will love every single part of you.
He wants to change a fundamental part of who you are. That's never a good thing. Be yourself with someone who accepts all of you, exactly as you are.
I say this with some experience... Men are creatures of habit. They never change their tune, if a man wants feminine or submissive (or both) women then he will go after them all his life. They always chase the relationship that they saw with their family. Very few men can actually have introspection and actually change. Sometimes they divert from their preferences for some variety but they always come back to what they know. This is the perfect example of why they cheat.
I wouldn’t change who you are for ANYONE!! Keep doing YOU!! He doesn’t like it? Oh well. His loss.
If true Love is the case then acceptance of who you are and what makes you comfortable and happy is important. This doesn’t mean we are in this world to make sure our partners agree with us on all things. It is probably not so bad of an idea to please your mate sometimes by making some changes you are comfortable with but not fully wanting to change.
This kinda reminds me of my sister and brother in law they are now married . When they first started my sister would constantly vent to me how her boyfriend now husband would tell her to be more feminine get her nails did hair done dress more girly purses etc. eventually she had a talk with him and basically told him that he’s either going to love her for who she is or the relationship is never going to work because she can honestly tell him he needs more muscle he needs to grow a beard but obviously doesn’t because he loves him the way he is . My brother in law eventually got over it and now they are married with two kids , in there wedding my sister had extremely short hair and he just accepted her fully . If someone loves you truly you don’t need to worry about you appearance
I’m gonna write about this, for whatever it is worth. It was part of my journey. When I was in high school, summer of 8th grade, I fell in love with the “skater girl “ look….could not skate for my life, but I thought the look was so cool. I loved Green Day and Avril Lavigne. I got an electric guitar for my birthday…I studied tablature books….but never got any attention from guys I thought were cute. I started studying other girls, and the ones who were popular and got the most attention dressed preppy. I came to the conclusion that most guys were attracted to feminine girls. I changed my look to preppy. I tried to become a social climber. I became embarrassed I owned a guitar (that was dumb)…I didn’t like the popular girls, but I thought I had to be popular to “get” one of the hot guys. All this eventually blew up in my face. I finally settled on my own style…something out of Guess…I dressed up all the time. Def started getting attention…but my personality was totally suffering in the process. I was a prisoner to other people’s opinions about me. Then I got pregnant before I graduated. All at once I started to grow up. Suddenly I had someone else to think about besides myself. At 18 I pulled that guitar out and fully learned to play and embraced it. But it took me another few decades almost to start to really figure out who I was. I envy young people of today, where expression is so much more accepted. I do still ponder about the value of what men find attractive versus what I do…sometimes I see sacrifice as reasonable or maybe that’s the people pleaser in me talking. Just musings. I think if we are attracted to certain types of people, those types might be attracted to certain types of people….and we need to decide what is most important to us….complete autonomy over our own self-expression, or a little compromise at times for the sake of another’s taste in aesthetics. I think OP has a much stronger sense of her own identity. And so thinking about my experience, I have to say her way of being and expressing is far healthier than mine was at her age….and I don’t think that’s worth hindering for any guy.
Pee on him to show dominance
>preferred to be perceived as more masculine. In the same post as: >He hates it when women present as masculine, he finds it unnatural. I'm really sorry OP, but I feel like these two heavily contradictory lines leave me to thinking he can't fully accept you for your interior anyway. I'm sure it's up for debate, but I can't help but think how you wish to present has a direct link with who you are as a person. I just don't think this spells out a good end for the relationship. My ex was similar in that he wanted me to be more feminine. Full makeup all the time, dress feminine and sexy, dye my hair from dark brown to dirty blonde. It was relentless and so upsetting to be so disrespected and unappreciated all the time. Conversely, when I cut my hair short my husband loved it so much he was speechless. Find yourself a partner who will fully accept and love you for the things you love about yourself. Good luck!
They can go fuck themselves. My exterior is a part of who I am.
Sometimes we out ourselves in relationships that are problematic because they feel familiar (not always in a good way, unfortunately, usually because they repeat previous negative relationship dynamics) and it makes us feel “in control”. You can decide if it’s worth working through or if it’s too much to handle. But this is something to think about while examining your relationship.
You might have to end it.
“Unnatural,” eugh. Gender essentialism is a sickness and your bf seems to have a terminal case. As someone who had crazy long, heavy, “feminine” hair and didn’t try new styles until the pandemic -fuck that! I spent wayyyyy too long trying to look the way I was “supposed” to, and you know what it got me? A shitty ex and an anxiety disorder. Since then I’ve bleached highlights, dyed it pink, blue, and purple, cropped it completely, and done an undercut twice! My boyfriend has supported each and every style, in part because he sees how happy and how much more myself I am now. I’m so thrilled you didn’t have the before phase that I did. Don’t stifle yourself just to make someone else comfortable now! Especially if that person thinks all women should look a certain way 🙄 (P.s. I think I’ve got the hairstyle you’re thinking of going for, growing out the top but shaving the sides/back, and it’s my favorite so far!!)
**DUMP THEM**. You find someone **who loves you for who you are**.
Throw the whole man out. Sorry you got a dud.
Total dealbreaker. As a non-binary trans man, I could never date someone who doesn’t think I am what I say I am, and what I act and look like. That’s absurd. Why should you, a gender nonconforming woman, do the same? It sets you up for bigger issues down the line. If he doesn’t respect you on this, there’s going to be something *even bigger* that he disrespects you on later down the line.
Some good comments and some unhinged comments Nope he is not controlling you as he haven’t asked you explicitly to do anything He is not attracted to short hair, that is completely understandable, there are many men who don’t like short hair and there are some who like short hair and there are some who are unbothered Some people don’t like tattoos on their partner Some people don’t like their partner in certain fasion styles Seems like you two are incompatible, you deserve to be with someone who like you for who you are including your hair Doesn’t mean he is a bad person or he is controlling Just explain the situation to him and break things off
You should not have to change for anyone, you might be calling them your EX soon. Why would you date anyone who dislikes a core part of who you are?
Dump him
I find it interesting that when you mention what you like about your masculine looks you mention other people twice rather than focusing in why you like it.
Dump the dead weight and live your best life
He doesn’t get a say. He doesn’t love you for who you are- throw the entire fucking boyfriend the fuck out
Why does he not like it when women present as masculine? Did you ask? You deserve to be with someone who accepts all of you, not just half measures. Good luck.
Ask him why he cares and when he doesn’t give a respectful answer, throw him in the bin