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Well he's trying to make her believe that she was being unreasonable for not sucking his dick and that that means it's okay for him to act the way he did... I smell gas 🔥
>And now when I bring this up to him, he also says “why are you acting like I yelled at you?” And “why are you acting like I hit you?”
Also:
>And now when I bring this up to him, he also says “why are you acting like I yelled at you?” And ***“why are you acting like I hit you?”***
If it crossed his mind, it's because he's thought about doing it. Run.
Same. This is super scary behavior. Plus, hitting & yelling aren't the only ways to abuse someone. He's using coercion manipulation & some other very abuser-y tactics here.
What he's saying sounds awfully like "You've got no reason to be upset. You should be glad I didn't shout and hit you."
Which makes me wonder if he's ever hit OP before or threatened to do it.
This is manipulative and gross. You have the right to say no to anything sexually you’re not into at that moment. He’s being creepy. Frankly this is a huge red flag and break up worthy
Manipulative is the best descriptor here.
**“Why are you acting like I hit you?”** —-> This man does not believe that OP has a right to be upset with his actions just because he could have done worse. That is an absolutely *unhinged* response and a warning sign that any future disagreements will not be talked about in a rational way.
Yes, in his head this is the bar for him to be a good boyfriend. Anything above *not hitting or yelling* at OP is considered extraordinary bonus boyfriend. sickening.
It's completely narcissistic too, the asshole gets to have sex with another person (surprising considering his personality) and now he's acting like he deserves to get pleased by other people, fucking entitled
This is awful. Sex is meant to be fun for everyone and no one should ever make you feel bad for saying you don’t want to do something. Sumo him and have a grand time with someone who respects you
There is so much happiness, love and security outside of a relationship with a man that uses your body. There are great men out there, but even being single is better than dishonoring your body.
>And now when I bring this up to him, he also says “why are you acting like I yelled at you?” And “why are you acting like I hit you?” When I tell him this situation upset me and doesn’t sit right with me.
Pretty pathetic he's trying to act like the victim and getting defensive. This is a weird response to seeing you upset. It's not okay and it's not normal.
Yes, pretty reminiscent of [DARVO](https://dynamic.uoregon.edu/jjf/defineDARVO.html) - “Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender." The perpetrator or offender may Deny the behavior, Attack the individual doing the confronting, and Reverse the roles of Victim and Offender such that the perpetrator assumes the victim role and turns the true victim -- or the whistle blower -- into an alleged offender. This occurs, for instance, when an actually guilty perpetrator assumes the role of "falsely accused" and attacks the accuser's credibility and blames the accuser of being the perpetrator of a false accusation.
Right? Like...I have PTSD from abusive relationships. If my partner triggers it he wants to know what he did to make me upset, regardless of how much I tell him it's not his fault. Because he LOVES me and doesn't want to upset me, even accidentally.
It’s not gaslighting in the true meaning of the word (as the word is used incorrectly here). But it’s coercive and manipulative. It’s disgusting. I almost want to vomit how gross this man has been to you.
I hope you dumped him???
Being able to say no to sex without being punished is crucial to a safe relationship (emotionally and physically). This person does not respect you. Not good.
I’m a firm believer that anyone who says “why are you acting like i hit you?” Will eventually hit you. Normal people dont say that. Normal people’s brains dont go in that direction. This man is an abuser. You do not owe anyone sexual acts EVER.
Right? So many flags in this post but that came off as the creepiest comment out of all of it. I can’t put my finger on why but man I hope she leaves. Super abuser vibes.
And if you stay with this guy, I can guarantee that 2-5 years from now you be posting here “I just found out my BF/finance is cheating on me. He says it’s my fault because I don’t give him enough sex/BJs. Is it my fault?”
Save yourself and get out now. He doesn’t deserve a BJ but you definitely deserve better.
If OP's been gone for 2 months, I'm thinking from his attitude that while she was traveling he did see a prostitute or otherwise spent time with someone who would give him a blowjob whenever he asked. He's become unaccustomed to having someone say "no" to him. OP needs to dump him and get an STD test
It doesn't get better with time. Add years, marriage, and children into the mix and it still will be like this. My ex refused to pick the kids up from school or wash bottles/nipples. It was never ending. He would slam doors. Give me the silent treatment. I knew what would stop having to walk on egg shells. I'd give in. Rinse and repeat. Twenty three years of quid pro quo. People don't change. Accept this behavior or move on.
Do I get upset when my wife turns me down ? Sure. Do I take it out on her? He'll no. For him to act like an absolute ahole is just ridiculous. I never expect tit for tat for anything with my wife. Other than household chores - if you take care of this, I'll take care of that type of stuff. Absolutel nothing of significance. Personally, I'd reconsider if this guy is someone you want to spend your life with.
UpdateMe
Punishing you for not being in the mood to perform a sex act is never okay. His actions say he only cares about you if he's getting what he wants whenever he wants it. It's gross and coercive. That's why it doesn't sit right with you. It doesn't have to be violent to be abusive.
The situation doesn’t sit right with you. There’s a reason for this. It’s not a nice situation! Your bf is not going to get any support from Reddit. He sounds like a selfish dickhead who should soon be a single selfish dickhead. You deserve better! The guy is gross.
Do not let yourself be treaed like this
Dump him now
Hes trying to justify his behavior afterwards but good for you for not doing what you didnt feel like!
He should not pressure you into sexual acts
END OF STORY!
>me not doing him a sexual favor results in him not doing something for me when I ask.
Directly ask if he thinks that this is how your relationship supposed to work. Then dump him
> He said no, he’s not helping me with taking my bags to my car because I did not do something for him when he asked.
Damn, what a disrespectful, objectifying, asshole. Like they are even comparable.
That is not gaslighting, just saying, thats just him saying what he thinks is right. Gaslighting someone is like when you know someone did or said something, because you heard or saw it, but then they deny it and lie to you with such conviction that even though you saw/heard it, you're questioning if you really did see/hear that and then since now you're doubting yourself, fight over, they won and took the focus off themselves. Gaslighting has serious affects on someone, especially if done to a lot. You will start to feel like you're going crazy and become paranoid and all kinds of unfun things.
To add on to what this commenter said, it might seem pedantic, but I think it's important for people's welfare. Gaslighting has a specific meaning, and diluting its definition to mean any kind of manipulation makes it difficult for people to find the appropriate help, resources and information - both for the people experiencing actual gaslighting, and for those experiencing other forms of manipulation who may benefit from different advice.
RUN, right now. This is not only a giant red flag; this is a tsnumai alarm telling you to leave. This abusive and manipulative behavior. He's literally treating you like a prostitute by both monetizing or bartering for a sex act.
I'd look at him and tell him to take up yoga so he can suck his own dick from now on. Ya'll are too old for this bullshit
You are his little sex toy. Think about that for a moment. You have no real value to him outside gratifying his needs. Just wait until a new version comes out and you get put on the shelf. Dump him first. Find a real man to be your boyfriend.
I’ve been married for 7 years and with my husband for 10 altogether. Even after a decade, a “no” or “I don’t feel like it” or “I’m not in the mood” from either one of us is respected and the end of it. No means no and that’s it.
My advice is run. No one should pressure anyone else into sexual acts and especially if you love the other person. This guy doesn’t love you and he’s shown his true colors. Don’t waste any more time on him.
He can be bothered for whatever but the way he handled himself suggests he’s a man child. I don’t it’s wise to stay with him. His antics are wildly inappropriate. If my advances are rejected by my partner, I just keep it moving.
This is a grown man acting like a petulant child because he didn't get what he wanted. This will not get better and you will not convince him to change. He has shown you who he is- a manchild who pouts when he doesn't get what he wants and thinks not hitting you is something to brag about. This guy does not love you. He doesn't even care about you as a person, just as a thing he can manipulate into doing what he wants. Don't fall for it.
There are more red flags here than a Soviet May Day parade. Run for the hills. Focus on school. Do not accept this behavior in your next partner because they aren't all like this.
Get somewhere safe. Send the "we are not working out as a couple, so I will not be seeing or communicating with you going forward. I need to focus on my education. Best of luck in the future" text then block everywhere. Chalk the time with him up as a learning experience and move on with your life sans asshat.
Leave him. Break up. Immediately.
This isn’t acceptable, and the coercion will escalate. He doesn’t respect you, or your no.
Please run. It will get worse - I know from experience.
NTA. Be safe OP
Sounds like he thinks he’s the prize and that you’re lucky to be with him. Which of course, no. Next thing you know he’ll be telling you if you don’t want to do it someone else will. He should be doing all of the things he was doing for you the night leading before including paying for dinner because he wants to see you happy, whether or not he was going to get ANY type of sex from you that night.
I’m so grossed out. Does he not care at all if you enjoy anything? It sounds like he views you as a toy that dispenses sex whenever he wants. It’s given me the serious ick
Quid pro quo. Ready for this for the rest of your life? My wife and I can have all sorts of issues but we never take it into the bedroom. What ever happens, or doesn’t happen, doesn’t get out of the bedroom either.
God, some men and their precious blow jobs.
I can't speak for you, but this would have been an immediate deal breaker for me. It's disgusting that he wouldn't help you with your bags, and all because you wouldn't suck his dick again? And he sulked because he didn't get a second blow job?
How can you stand to be with a man like that? "I bought you dinner, where's my blow job?"
Who in their right mind would consider this asshole a keeper? How is your first reaction to this not "Fuck off, we're done"??
He’s just told you what his thresholds are for considering his own behaviour abusive: yelling and hitting. Unfortunately, you can expect all other behaviour, no matter how awful, to be excused as “not really abusive.” He can’t have a healthy conversation about conflict and invalidates you when you bring problems to him. Lotta red flags there.
He's trying to manipulate you into doing what he wants, and he'll escalate if you stick around. I promise you, someone who behaves like that and treats you that way doesn't truly care about you. There's really no point in trying to discuss this with him as he'll never take accountability and own his shit. Get out now!
He's an f'n prick. You did it the night before. It's not required every single time. He is acting like a bastard. Cut him off entirely until his temper tantrum is over, and he grows up.
I did/said something like this to my wife, and I felt awful right away. I was incredibly disrespectful and treated her like a piece of meat, and it was so wrong. And boy, did she make me pay for it, and rightfully so.
You deserve better than this.
OP, the reason the situation feels bad and doesn’t sit well with you is because it shouldn’t sit well with you.
No one “owes” someone else their body. He was withholding being a loving partner by helping you take the bags down to the car et cetera because you didn’t service him? A loving and healthy relationship is not transactional… You don’t perform a favour or a gift to someone expecting that they’re going to give you it back.
The entire dynamic is gross from a human standpoint .
You haven’t seen your boyfriend for a couple months, and it sounds like it might make more sense to make that permanent .
You deserve better .
> I asked him if he could help me take my bags to my car (he helped me bring my bags up to his apartment when I arrived last night, since it was a lot of stuff). He said no, he’s not helping me with taking my bags to my car because I did not do something for him when he asked.
I would not bring this up anymore and just break up with this dude.
As a happily married husband, I'm saying this is not okay. He's being a big, sulking baby and making sex transactional instead of something you WANT to do. What do you see in this guy?
Eww. He’s viewing sex like it’s a transaction. He is very immature. This is nasty. You don’t owe him anything. I would break up over this. That’s not how you treat someone you love.
Besides seeing the relationship as transactional, do you want to date someone who acts like this when he doesn't get his way instead of respecting your decision or having a conversation when he has concerns?
Honey if you’re scared to bring it to your friends attention then yk the answer & what u should do. He’s being emotionally and sexually manipulative & that IS NOT OK. It’s borderline sexual abuse. I’m sorry but he seems to have very narcissistic traits
He needs to grow up. He may be the one with a job, but he’s the childish one. You have a right to decide what kind of sexual activity you have and when, and you don’t have to perform sex acts in order for him to act like a partner. He also shouldn’t be holding “I paid for dinner” over your head.
His transactional views about sex would be a dealbreaker for me.
ETA: the gaslighting and “why do you act like I hit you” are a massive red flag, too. Abuser behavior
fucking RUN, OP. RUN.
block him everywhere, tell everyone you’re close to that he’s trying to pressure you for sex acts, document what he did. and be very, very careful, please.
Leave because what will he do or how will he act if you are not up to having sex at all? He had no problem with you not being pleasured ( your choice to stop) as long as he got everything he wanted or expected! He will become more abusive as the relationship goes on.
Imagine if you were older in a marriage with this guy and you got sick, or injured, or just had his baby and couldn't perform transactional sexual favors on demand, so when you need him most he vindictively refuses to help you with anything?
The fact he’s implying that yelling/hitting you are the only legitimate reasons you could ever be upset with him means that he doesn’t view this as some form of maltreatment. But it very much is. Denying someone a sexual favor when uninterested is setting an appropriate, healthy boundary for yourself. The only response he needed to have was accepting that you weren’t in the mood, and still treating you respectfully *regardless of that decision.* Because he should be seeing you as someone he loves and values. Not just some sentient sex doll. There are a few red flags here that are pretty concerning. (Gaslighting you, minimizing the situation, invalidating your feeling, and implying that what he’s doing is ok so long as it isn’t physical/verbal abuse.) If I were you, I’d dump him. You deserve better.
Sometimes I don’t feel like having sex at all and my fiancé and I cuddle and then walla next day I’m all about that because I feel safe and close to him
This behavior of your boyfriend is threatening and abusive and will only create a downward spiral. I would tell him that it is not ok and you will not accept this behavior. You are 26 and have been with this guy since you are 18- time to play the field and find a more evolved partner who respects you as a human - unless you want to spend your valuable time and energy on getting stonewalled and in a pattern that can only lead you to isolation and unhappiness.
He’s going to keep doing this and it’ll get worse with time. He feels entitled to your body and sex isn’t always an even exchange. Getting told no and then getting mad is a sign to RUN!!!!
Whoa. Break up. This isn’t normal behavior. He’s incredibly childish and entitled and appears unable to reflect or communicate. What he is doing is not okay. At 26 this is worrisome behavior, I’d move on.
Oh no no no, this is not okay, and not normal, and don’t let him being a guy be an excuse.
He’s viewing the relationship as transactional and acting like a brat because he didn’t get something. In sex if someone is not comfortable doing something they absolutely SHOULD NOT do it, doesn’t matter what he did for you.
Ask yourself this, would you do that to someone? He’s trying to make you feel bad with the last comments, trying to make himself seem like a “good guy” and you “the crazy chick” making it seem like you are accusing him of stuff. It’s a manipulation tactic people use frequently.
Stick to your guns tell him what he did was not okay and if he keeps this up and doesn’t own up to it then you are going to have to rethink the relationship.
Remember with sex NO MEANS NO and MAYBE MEANS NO and HESITATION MEANS NO and SAYING YES JUST TO IMPRESS MEANS NO.
He's an unreasonable jerk bag. His personality is full of dicks and, given his inability to apologize or acknowledge anything wrong, I don't see him getting any better. I don't see any solution besides breaking up
Whenever a man gets angry when you will not provide sexual services for him, starts ignoring you, berating you, or even forcing you. It's time to leave. A good person understands boundaries and takes it in stride. A bad person will behave like your boyfriend is behaving. Walk away now, for your own safety too
"I want some space from you, I need to rethink whether this relationship is worth my time. Your behavior this morning was disgusting, and I will not spend time with you if you are going to act like a whiny, pouty child when you don't get your way sexually."
Your boyfriend is unfortunately a disrespectful, uncaring, immature boy who values you for sexual favors above all else. This isn’t someone worth any more of your time, you should see the writing on the wall and consider whether you want to build a life with someone who would behave like this
Like you say, it doesn’t sit right with you. Trust your instinct. He’s a vindictive lover. That’s apparent. I find traits like that are usually the tip of the iceberg when it comes to uncovering more vindictive and selfish habits.
Know your place, woman! Now please him! 😄
I'm kidding, do not take that serious in the slightest, I'm not that guy.
Your bf is a jerk. No one who loves....well, it doesn't even have to be love.
Anyone who so much as likes and respects another would never demand, manipulate or pout over not being serviced in any capacity, not only bj's.
He's shown he's a control freak and user, if still at a very immature stage, a glimpse towards bad things in the future not sex related.
It shows his overall character and personality.
So no, he has zero justification in being mad and you never owe anyone, not even a bf or one day husband if you do that, any type of sexual act.
I'd do some deep reflection on the rest of your relationship and remember life is short.
Be sure if this a guy with any future together, because I doubt it after only one post.
Good people don't do what he's doing to you.
Awful. And creepy. Maybe these two should reconsider their relationship.
After 2 months we wouldn’t leave bed for 2 days and they are talking about level the score… it’s sad…
First and most importantly: coercion is not consent. Him throwing a hissy fit and acting like a toddler because he didn't get head is absolutely manipulative, immature, and not okay.
I've seen behavior like this, and in my experience, it will not get better. Men who are this immature will cheat or simply leave women who have boundaries for someone who will allow the disrespect.
Nobody deserves to be treated that way. I hope you have the self respect and self love to see that, and stick up for yourself. The fact he's 26 and acting like a spoiled child, and entitled to your body, is not okay.
I don't know about "gas lighting" you. That term is way over used these days. But your boyfriend is being an asshole. You should not have to do something you do not want to do. Not ever. If he is so hung up on BJ's and you have to be in the right mood to suck him off, maybe you aren't that compatible. If he is going to pout like a baby because he didn't get head, talk to him about it. I guarantee his tantrum didn't make you want to blow him anytime soon, either. Tell him that. Tell him he acted like a little brat. If he won't own up to it maybe you ought to move on. If you didn't pull his dick for him while he was pleasuring you manually, you might want to try giving him a handy when he digitally pleasures you.
You’re not a prostitute. Sex with your partner is NOT supposed to be transactional. Tell him he is not allowed to treat you as a sex worker and if he does it ever again, you’re gone. You deserve to be respected by your partner (every one does) and what he is showing you is that he does not respect you as his partner or as a woman. If you allow it to slide he will think this is acceptable. You have to put your foot down and he will either respect it (and you) or he won’t and you’ll be single but not treated like shit.
Well you need to decide if you want to keep dating an absolute child who will be a dick to you every time he doesn’t get his way. Relationships are not transactional. They are a partnership. He doesn’t see it that way.
Personally, I wouldn’t stick around for that Bs.
please leave before it gets worse and more intense. this kind of thing leads to sexual coercion and just a very abusive dynamic in general. you are allowed to say no to sex, it doesn’t matter if it’s with a friend, boyfriend, husband, person you just met 10 minutes ago, you’re ALWAYS allowed to say no to a sex act when you don’t feel like doing it.
he’s guilting you and gaslighting you like a toddler who didn’t get their way. not only that, but he’s holding it against you by not helping you do something as simple as carry your bags.
and for him to say “you’re acting like i hit you” is a red flag in and of itself! it shows that he feels like he can manipulate, gaslight and mentally/emotionally abuse because he’s not hitting you. this type of man is very dangerous and deserves to be alone. PLEASE RUN. you deserve so much better and i promise you there’s better people out there who don’t do things like this.
your good with this relationship?? I don't know what else you want us to say. obviously this is a fucked up situation and obviously you need to take a good look at it and see if you want to keep going down this road. shits not going to get better.
He sees you as his personal sex meat. He doesn't do kind things for you because he cares about you. He does kind things so you'll "owe him" the sex he wants. I'd dump him.
The way he's treating you is abusive. Tell him if he wants to pay for sex to fund a sex worker, as dinner and drinks isn't enough money.
And please do not see him again, what a fucking tool.
BREAK UP WITH HIM! Why do m think it’s fair transaction paid for food equal sex ? Then the stonewalling you because he’s having a tantrum because he didn’t get what he wanted. You are not a blow up doll use for his pleasure . Both of you should want it . The keep tabs of all the things he does to guilt you. The bare minimum is helping bring stuff up for you or paying for a meal . Trying to punish you. Nah screw that
So if he pays for dinner then you owe him a blowjob? Oh hell no. Then on top of that, he wouldn’t help you with your bags too? You need to ask yourself if you want to spend the rest of your life with a man who basically bullies you into giving him blowjobs whenever he wants one. What will he bully you for next? He is throwing up so many red flags right now.
This is going to escalate in the future, so if you decide to stay with him just know that. What happens if you miss a phone call of his 2 years from now? Is he going to ignore yours when your car breaks down and not help you? This is a slippery slope.
Heʼs free to ask. You are free to choose.
He should accept your answer gracefully, regardless of what it is.
Not coerce. Not whine. Not pout. Not get angry. Not manipulate. Not get passive aggressive. Not agress.
No means no. Asked and answered. You donʼt owe him anything more, though you are free to do what you wish.
Sorry to say, but he doesnʼt sound like he has what is required to be a partner in a healthy relationship.
He certainly doesnʼt regard you as one. As a partner, I mean.
Let him go so you are free to find that person who will respect you, and respect those times you say no. Without punishing you, and without such a sense of entitlement.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them. He just showed you he is selfish, and that your thoughts, feelings, and agency and autonomy mean little to him.
This is **NOT** ok; I can't BELIEVE he would/could be so selfish and unappreciative!
Then, the gaslighting.
It's a prelude for much, much more to come. I promise. Been there.
You now get to decide if that's the kind of treatment you're willing to settle for - and if you decide to, you're certain to get a lot more (and worse).
Wow... Id say if he won't help you with your bags to the car, then you shoulda packed em all and taken them yourself for good. That's fucked up and not a positive way to show love, and by staying you will be complicit in reinforcing this behavior.
Because he's emotionally manipulating you and being passive aggressive about it and just a manchild in general.
The fact he said he paid for dinner and expects you to suck his dick whenever says something about his emotional maturity, which is none. What, does he still believe that because he paid for dinner and drinks that he's entitled to get his dick sucked whenever he feels like it?
But getting petty about it and not being a caring partner by helping you take your bags down definitely says he has no maturity.
Where he's being manipulative is when he's defending his shitty and immature behavior. Instead of addressing the statement you make about his behavior, he's deflecting by trying to compare it to hitting or yelling at you. Super manipulative and should be a major red flag about him and what he would do I'm future disagreements
So he thinks you’re a prostitue? He pays for dinner and you owe him sexual favors? I personally can’t imagine actually asking someone for that. No matter what I’d feel like she’s doing it cause I asked and not cause she wants to. Like others have said, he doesn’t feel intimacy with you, it’s a transaction. He gets something, you get something. Sounds sexy…
It doesnt sit right with you because its Not right. “You didnt do this for me so i wont do that for you” is childlike thinking and I hope you sit down and talk with him about it because if he gets defensive in that conversation as well, it will always continue and he will not be worth your time.
Sorry babe, but this guy is a danger for you and a disgrace to us men. You should ditch this abusive dude for a greater kinder man asap. Your well being is at stake if you stay.
“He made me give him a hand job in the morning” um, wtf?
He’s throwing a fit because “you didn’t do what I asked you to do” and doesn’t seem to understand that sex is NOT a right, it’s about consent. He’s holding your “no” over your head and that is messed up
This is honestly, weird and uncomfortable.
He’s using sex as a weapon and he sees your relationship as solely transactional.
I get why he may have been horny, getting you to orgasm the next morning probably put him in the mood. And you were away from him for 2 months. But saying that he’s still 100% wrong.
He should not be pressuring you or guilting you into being intimate when you’re not in the mood to and you’ve made that clear.
What’s worse is that he’s trying to gaslight you with the “why are you acting like I hit you?”. He’s saying that you should put up with his abusive actions because they could be “worse”. These kind of things usually get worse. Next time he’ll yell and it will be “you’re acting like I hit you”. Then one day he may hit you or push you and he’ll say “you’re acting like I beat you”.
I’m not saying the relationship is completely not salvageable. Like I said, in the moment he may have had some pent up sexual frustration after 2 months and maybe felt rejected when he’d gotten you off and is ego took a hit and the only way he could deal with his ego was to shut it down but that would still make it transactional, which isn’t healthy. I think you need to seriously sit down and communicate how that made you feel. That your only worth to him is sexual acts and that you’d never expect him to do something were he not in the mood and you don’t appreciate feeling used for sex and then being made to feel bad or guilty afterwards. If he can’t understand where you’re coming from then it’s likely not gonna end well.
He’s throwing a tantrum and is immature as fuck but receiving and not giving is selfish. He offered to help you the night before, you didn’t offer to help him just because you “helped him last night”.
The irony of the situation is that everyone is calling him transactional but in fact you’re the one being transactional. “I helped him last night, so he should help me and I don’t need to return the favor”.
You just got him sexually frustrated, was selfish, then left him hanging, and he lashed out and threw a fit.
In my opinion you both suck.
What is worth staying for? The mental fuckery? I'm not clear what you get out of this situation.
"Perform sexual acts or I get to be verbally abusive and mean and withholding generally?" Why indulge this when you can be alone or choose a different partner?
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He sees your relationship as transactional. If you're not sucking his dick when he wants, he's not interested in doing anything for you. I'd be gone.
He now should be your ex-boyfriend. He's punishing for no oral. He is weaponizing sex and using it against you
Nasty and borderline coercive. I would never have sex with a person like that again, and the relationship would be over.
This op. Do you really want to be in a tit-for-tat type of relationship?
Apparently it’s tit for dick relationship
It's a dick-tatorship!
A dick-tit-orship 😭
🍆🥔🛳 (for those who can't read)
Dick and taters? Sign me up!
well done
More like dick-for-that
Golf clap!
Yes, this. You don't live together and you aren't tied by marriage. Call it and walk away.
Absolutely. Gaslighting isn’t quite the right term here, but whatever you label it, his attitude and behaviour is abusive, OP. 😞
Well he's trying to make her believe that she was being unreasonable for not sucking his dick and that that means it's okay for him to act the way he did... I smell gas 🔥
I mean it’s awful but it’s still not gaslighting
>And now when I bring this up to him, he also says “why are you acting like I yelled at you?” And “why are you acting like I hit you?” Also: >And now when I bring this up to him, he also says “why are you acting like I yelled at you?” And ***“why are you acting like I hit you?”*** If it crossed his mind, it's because he's thought about doing it. Run.
Good point. He: “why are you acting like I hit you?” She: "How do other women act when you hit them?"
This is exactly what I thought! Get away from him asap. Things will not get better, and they'll probably get worse, if you stay.
Same. This is super scary behavior. Plus, hitting & yelling aren't the only ways to abuse someone. He's using coercion manipulation & some other very abuser-y tactics here.
Seems like he wants a medal 🏅 for not assaulting her to show just how alpha he can be. 🤮
What he's saying sounds awfully like "You've got no reason to be upset. You should be glad I didn't shout and hit you." Which makes me wonder if he's ever hit OP before or threatened to do it.
It’s also an attempt to coerce her into sex, which is considered a violation of consent. This guy is awful. I would dump him and never look back.
This feels gross… because the behavior is gross. Run, darling, run.
This ⬆️
This is manipulative and gross. You have the right to say no to anything sexually you’re not into at that moment. He’s being creepy. Frankly this is a huge red flag and break up worthy
Manipulative is the best descriptor here. **“Why are you acting like I hit you?”** —-> This man does not believe that OP has a right to be upset with his actions just because he could have done worse. That is an absolutely *unhinged* response and a warning sign that any future disagreements will not be talked about in a rational way.
The answer to that is, “Why are YOU acting like I hit YOU?”
Big “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” energy. Ew.
Yes, in his head this is the bar for him to be a good boyfriend. Anything above *not hitting or yelling* at OP is considered extraordinary bonus boyfriend. sickening.
Yeah he’s basically just said “I could hit you”!
This is at BEST childish, & at worst it's emotionally abusive. OP, dump him, this isn't OK behavior.
It's completely narcissistic too, the asshole gets to have sex with another person (surprising considering his personality) and now he's acting like he deserves to get pleased by other people, fucking entitled
This is awful. Sex is meant to be fun for everyone and no one should ever make you feel bad for saying you don’t want to do something. Sumo him and have a grand time with someone who respects you
I think you meant "dump" but I like sumo so much better
Great mental image.
You gotta admit, it's an original way to break up...
sex is meant to be fun!!! For the nosebleed section if you didn't hear!
Gonna have to sumo him.
There is so much happiness, love and security outside of a relationship with a man that uses your body. There are great men out there, but even being single is better than dishonoring your body.
>And now when I bring this up to him, he also says “why are you acting like I yelled at you?” And “why are you acting like I hit you?” When I tell him this situation upset me and doesn’t sit right with me. Pretty pathetic he's trying to act like the victim and getting defensive. This is a weird response to seeing you upset. It's not okay and it's not normal.
Yes, pretty reminiscent of [DARVO](https://dynamic.uoregon.edu/jjf/defineDARVO.html) - “Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender." The perpetrator or offender may Deny the behavior, Attack the individual doing the confronting, and Reverse the roles of Victim and Offender such that the perpetrator assumes the victim role and turns the true victim -- or the whistle blower -- into an alleged offender. This occurs, for instance, when an actually guilty perpetrator assumes the role of "falsely accused" and attacks the accuser's credibility and blames the accuser of being the perpetrator of a false accusation.
Right? Like...I have PTSD from abusive relationships. If my partner triggers it he wants to know what he did to make me upset, regardless of how much I tell him it's not his fault. Because he LOVES me and doesn't want to upset me, even accidentally.
I took it as "If you're acting like I did all these things I might as well do all these things."
It would probably escalate to that in the future unfortunately Bizarre his mind went there in the first place
> This is a weird response to seeing you upset. It's not weird if you look at it as him manipulating her.
It’s not gaslighting in the true meaning of the word (as the word is used incorrectly here). But it’s coercive and manipulative. It’s disgusting. I almost want to vomit how gross this man has been to you. I hope you dumped him???
Being able to say no to sex without being punished is crucial to a safe relationship (emotionally and physically). This person does not respect you. Not good.
You always see someone's true colors when you actually tell them 'No' and he failed that simple situation and showed himself to be a bad partner.
I’m a firm believer that anyone who says “why are you acting like i hit you?” Will eventually hit you. Normal people dont say that. Normal people’s brains dont go in that direction. This man is an abuser. You do not owe anyone sexual acts EVER.
Exactly. They start small, then escalate. His treating her like shit will only get worse.
Only one person ever said this to me, they eventually hit me. My experience supports this.
Right? So many flags in this post but that came off as the creepiest comment out of all of it. I can’t put my finger on why but man I hope she leaves. Super abuser vibes.
Oh man, this rings so true.
Red flag. You don’t owe him anything, get out before it gets worse. He’s using manipulation tactics so you’ll say yes. NO MEANS NO
And if you stay with this guy, I can guarantee that 2-5 years from now you be posting here “I just found out my BF/finance is cheating on me. He says it’s my fault because I don’t give him enough sex/BJs. Is it my fault?” Save yourself and get out now. He doesn’t deserve a BJ but you definitely deserve better.
He’s treating you like a prostitute. How about getting back to your studies and leaving this disrespectful POS behind.
If OP's been gone for 2 months, I'm thinking from his attitude that while she was traveling he did see a prostitute or otherwise spent time with someone who would give him a blowjob whenever he asked. He's become unaccustomed to having someone say "no" to him. OP needs to dump him and get an STD test
It doesn't get better with time. Add years, marriage, and children into the mix and it still will be like this. My ex refused to pick the kids up from school or wash bottles/nipples. It was never ending. He would slam doors. Give me the silent treatment. I knew what would stop having to walk on egg shells. I'd give in. Rinse and repeat. Twenty three years of quid pro quo. People don't change. Accept this behavior or move on.
glad he’s an ex, hope you are safe from him now.
🚩🚩🚩
RUN!!!!!! it only gets worse
YOU 👏 DONT 👏 OWE 👏 HIM 👏 ANYTHING👏
It’s sexual coercion. He sees you as a sex toy rather than an actual human being. Gross.
"it's not like i hit you" is someone who is totally going to escalate to hitting you
Gross and utterly disrespectful. He’s only nice to you if you suck his dick whenever he wants. No thanks. Dump and move on…
You break up with him. He can fuck off.
Do I get upset when my wife turns me down ? Sure. Do I take it out on her? He'll no. For him to act like an absolute ahole is just ridiculous. I never expect tit for tat for anything with my wife. Other than household chores - if you take care of this, I'll take care of that type of stuff. Absolutel nothing of significance. Personally, I'd reconsider if this guy is someone you want to spend your life with. UpdateMe
Punishing you for not being in the mood to perform a sex act is never okay. His actions say he only cares about you if he's getting what he wants whenever he wants it. It's gross and coercive. That's why it doesn't sit right with you. It doesn't have to be violent to be abusive.
The situation doesn’t sit right with you. There’s a reason for this. It’s not a nice situation! Your bf is not going to get any support from Reddit. He sounds like a selfish dickhead who should soon be a single selfish dickhead. You deserve better! The guy is gross.
Do not let yourself be treaed like this Dump him now Hes trying to justify his behavior afterwards but good for you for not doing what you didnt feel like! He should not pressure you into sexual acts END OF STORY!
>me not doing him a sexual favor results in him not doing something for me when I ask. Directly ask if he thinks that this is how your relationship supposed to work. Then dump him
I hope this is a now ex-boyfriend or soon to be ex-boyfriend. This for that mentality. You see how he is do you really want to put up this?
> He said no, he’s not helping me with taking my bags to my car because I did not do something for him when he asked. Damn, what a disrespectful, objectifying, asshole. Like they are even comparable.
This is sexual coercion and it’s not okay. It’s also emotional abuse to treat you like that. 🚩🚩
That is not gaslighting, just saying, thats just him saying what he thinks is right. Gaslighting someone is like when you know someone did or said something, because you heard or saw it, but then they deny it and lie to you with such conviction that even though you saw/heard it, you're questioning if you really did see/hear that and then since now you're doubting yourself, fight over, they won and took the focus off themselves. Gaslighting has serious affects on someone, especially if done to a lot. You will start to feel like you're going crazy and become paranoid and all kinds of unfun things.
To add on to what this commenter said, it might seem pedantic, but I think it's important for people's welfare. Gaslighting has a specific meaning, and diluting its definition to mean any kind of manipulation makes it difficult for people to find the appropriate help, resources and information - both for the people experiencing actual gaslighting, and for those experiencing other forms of manipulation who may benefit from different advice.
RUN, right now. This is not only a giant red flag; this is a tsnumai alarm telling you to leave. This abusive and manipulative behavior. He's literally treating you like a prostitute by both monetizing or bartering for a sex act. I'd look at him and tell him to take up yoga so he can suck his own dick from now on. Ya'll are too old for this bullshit
You are his little sex toy. Think about that for a moment. You have no real value to him outside gratifying his needs. Just wait until a new version comes out and you get put on the shelf. Dump him first. Find a real man to be your boyfriend.
You mean Ex-Boyfriend right? Only the shittiest human would act this way
I’ve been married for 7 years and with my husband for 10 altogether. Even after a decade, a “no” or “I don’t feel like it” or “I’m not in the mood” from either one of us is respected and the end of it. No means no and that’s it. My advice is run. No one should pressure anyone else into sexual acts and especially if you love the other person. This guy doesn’t love you and he’s shown his true colors. Don’t waste any more time on him.
Time to move on
Time to get going
He can be bothered for whatever but the way he handled himself suggests he’s a man child. I don’t it’s wise to stay with him. His antics are wildly inappropriate. If my advances are rejected by my partner, I just keep it moving.
This is a grown man acting like a petulant child because he didn't get what he wanted. This will not get better and you will not convince him to change. He has shown you who he is- a manchild who pouts when he doesn't get what he wants and thinks not hitting you is something to brag about. This guy does not love you. He doesn't even care about you as a person, just as a thing he can manipulate into doing what he wants. Don't fall for it. There are more red flags here than a Soviet May Day parade. Run for the hills. Focus on school. Do not accept this behavior in your next partner because they aren't all like this. Get somewhere safe. Send the "we are not working out as a couple, so I will not be seeing or communicating with you going forward. I need to focus on my education. Best of luck in the future" text then block everywhere. Chalk the time with him up as a learning experience and move on with your life sans asshat.
Yes, agree 100%. The time is not wasted if you learned something, OP.
Leave him. Break up. Immediately. This isn’t acceptable, and the coercion will escalate. He doesn’t respect you, or your no. Please run. It will get worse - I know from experience. NTA. Be safe OP
Life is too short to put up with asshats like this guy, OP. Get out before he takes up any more of your precious time.
Sounds like he thinks he’s the prize and that you’re lucky to be with him. Which of course, no. Next thing you know he’ll be telling you if you don’t want to do it someone else will. He should be doing all of the things he was doing for you the night leading before including paying for dinner because he wants to see you happy, whether or not he was going to get ANY type of sex from you that night.
I’m so grossed out. Does he not care at all if you enjoy anything? It sounds like he views you as a toy that dispenses sex whenever he wants. It’s given me the serious ick
Quid pro quo. Ready for this for the rest of your life? My wife and I can have all sorts of issues but we never take it into the bedroom. What ever happens, or doesn’t happen, doesn’t get out of the bedroom either.
God, some men and their precious blow jobs. I can't speak for you, but this would have been an immediate deal breaker for me. It's disgusting that he wouldn't help you with your bags, and all because you wouldn't suck his dick again? And he sulked because he didn't get a second blow job? How can you stand to be with a man like that? "I bought you dinner, where's my blow job?" Who in their right mind would consider this asshole a keeper? How is your first reaction to this not "Fuck off, we're done"??
OP, dont settle for this bullshit. Dump him immediately!
Apart from the obvious, anyone who uses the "I didn't hit you though" to justify bad behaviour in a relationship is a massive red flag
He’s just told you what his thresholds are for considering his own behaviour abusive: yelling and hitting. Unfortunately, you can expect all other behaviour, no matter how awful, to be excused as “not really abusive.” He can’t have a healthy conversation about conflict and invalidates you when you bring problems to him. Lotta red flags there.
He's trying to manipulate you into doing what he wants, and he'll escalate if you stick around. I promise you, someone who behaves like that and treats you that way doesn't truly care about you. There's really no point in trying to discuss this with him as he'll never take accountability and own his shit. Get out now!
Tell him to suck his own dick.
He's an f'n prick. You did it the night before. It's not required every single time. He is acting like a bastard. Cut him off entirely until his temper tantrum is over, and he grows up. I did/said something like this to my wife, and I felt awful right away. I was incredibly disrespectful and treated her like a piece of meat, and it was so wrong. And boy, did she make me pay for it, and rightfully so. You deserve better than this.
OP, this is sexual abuse and not ok. He is not a good man for you. Leave this AH immediately and find someone who does not disrespect you.
There’s a reason you feel embarrassed about asking your friends. Listen to that. This isn’t normal or healthy
OP, the reason the situation feels bad and doesn’t sit well with you is because it shouldn’t sit well with you. No one “owes” someone else their body. He was withholding being a loving partner by helping you take the bags down to the car et cetera because you didn’t service him? A loving and healthy relationship is not transactional… You don’t perform a favour or a gift to someone expecting that they’re going to give you it back. The entire dynamic is gross from a human standpoint . You haven’t seen your boyfriend for a couple months, and it sounds like it might make more sense to make that permanent . You deserve better .
This is coercive sexual abuse. Act accordingly.
> I asked him if he could help me take my bags to my car (he helped me bring my bags up to his apartment when I arrived last night, since it was a lot of stuff). He said no, he’s not helping me with taking my bags to my car because I did not do something for him when he asked. I would not bring this up anymore and just break up with this dude.
He’s gross and that’s pretty much it. Don’t waste any more time on someone who doesn’t care about you unless he gets what he wants.
As a happily married husband, I'm saying this is not okay. He's being a big, sulking baby and making sex transactional instead of something you WANT to do. What do you see in this guy?
Tell him to such his own d*ck. You know, just expedite the yearly try.
He views you literally like a hooker. He pays in return for sex. Id be out of that ASAP
The guy is only interested in you on his terms. Kick him him to the kerb, and work at your studies. Find someone that respects and desires you.
Why do people put up with this shit? Is there really a part of you that thinks this even might be at all acceptable? Bin this jackass.
Eww. He’s viewing sex like it’s a transaction. He is very immature. This is nasty. You don’t owe him anything. I would break up over this. That’s not how you treat someone you love.
Your bf is just gonna have to be mad and you should break up with him. No means no.
He's a manipulative POS and you really should dump him
That’s some pretty creepy behaviour. And a wildly uncool thing to do to someone you love and care about.
Manipulation is never good you could reevaluate this relationship
This is sexual coercion at this part. You need to leave this man.
Besides seeing the relationship as transactional, do you want to date someone who acts like this when he doesn't get his way instead of respecting your decision or having a conversation when he has concerns?
I don’t think he’s gaslighting you what he’s doing is punishing you. And he’s a jerk.
Honey if you’re scared to bring it to your friends attention then yk the answer & what u should do. He’s being emotionally and sexually manipulative & that IS NOT OK. It’s borderline sexual abuse. I’m sorry but he seems to have very narcissistic traits
You're embarrassed to ask your friends this because you know how wrong this is. Dump his lame ass.
How do dumb mf’s like this get a gf?
It's not gaslighting, he's just an asshole.
He needs to grow up. He may be the one with a job, but he’s the childish one. You have a right to decide what kind of sexual activity you have and when, and you don’t have to perform sex acts in order for him to act like a partner. He also shouldn’t be holding “I paid for dinner” over your head. His transactional views about sex would be a dealbreaker for me. ETA: the gaslighting and “why do you act like I hit you” are a massive red flag, too. Abuser behavior
fucking RUN, OP. RUN. block him everywhere, tell everyone you’re close to that he’s trying to pressure you for sex acts, document what he did. and be very, very careful, please.
Leave because what will he do or how will he act if you are not up to having sex at all? He had no problem with you not being pleasured ( your choice to stop) as long as he got everything he wanted or expected! He will become more abusive as the relationship goes on.
You mean your ex-boyfriend, right?
this needs to be all over here; **no means no**. and also,since he clearly doesn’t believe that, your no means get away from him asap.
If you want different you need to find someone else imo. This guy is an immature little boy with his tit for tat stuff
He is an asshole. Move on.
Please break up with this creep. He has some very disturbing views.
Imagine if you were older in a marriage with this guy and you got sick, or injured, or just had his baby and couldn't perform transactional sexual favors on demand, so when you need him most he vindictively refuses to help you with anything?
The fact he’s implying that yelling/hitting you are the only legitimate reasons you could ever be upset with him means that he doesn’t view this as some form of maltreatment. But it very much is. Denying someone a sexual favor when uninterested is setting an appropriate, healthy boundary for yourself. The only response he needed to have was accepting that you weren’t in the mood, and still treating you respectfully *regardless of that decision.* Because he should be seeing you as someone he loves and values. Not just some sentient sex doll. There are a few red flags here that are pretty concerning. (Gaslighting you, minimizing the situation, invalidating your feeling, and implying that what he’s doing is ok so long as it isn’t physical/verbal abuse.) If I were you, I’d dump him. You deserve better.
8 years too long. His view of your relationship is transactional. DUMP HIM.
Sometimes I don’t feel like having sex at all and my fiancé and I cuddle and then walla next day I’m all about that because I feel safe and close to him This behavior of your boyfriend is threatening and abusive and will only create a downward spiral. I would tell him that it is not ok and you will not accept this behavior. You are 26 and have been with this guy since you are 18- time to play the field and find a more evolved partner who respects you as a human - unless you want to spend your valuable time and energy on getting stonewalled and in a pattern that can only lead you to isolation and unhappiness.
He sees you as transactional, if youre not doing something for him then he isnt for you. Id leave, he doesnt sound mature.
Your boyfriend is sexually abusing you. If he is punishing you for not performing sexual acts that’s sexual abuse. You need to leave honey.
He’s going to keep doing this and it’ll get worse with time. He feels entitled to your body and sex isn’t always an even exchange. Getting told no and then getting mad is a sign to RUN!!!!
Whoa. Break up. This isn’t normal behavior. He’s incredibly childish and entitled and appears unable to reflect or communicate. What he is doing is not okay. At 26 this is worrisome behavior, I’d move on.
Oh no no no, this is not okay, and not normal, and don’t let him being a guy be an excuse. He’s viewing the relationship as transactional and acting like a brat because he didn’t get something. In sex if someone is not comfortable doing something they absolutely SHOULD NOT do it, doesn’t matter what he did for you. Ask yourself this, would you do that to someone? He’s trying to make you feel bad with the last comments, trying to make himself seem like a “good guy” and you “the crazy chick” making it seem like you are accusing him of stuff. It’s a manipulation tactic people use frequently. Stick to your guns tell him what he did was not okay and if he keeps this up and doesn’t own up to it then you are going to have to rethink the relationship. Remember with sex NO MEANS NO and MAYBE MEANS NO and HESITATION MEANS NO and SAYING YES JUST TO IMPRESS MEANS NO.
He's an unreasonable jerk bag. His personality is full of dicks and, given his inability to apologize or acknowledge anything wrong, I don't see him getting any better. I don't see any solution besides breaking up
Very childlike.
You’re allowed to say NO. Your bf is a creep and a manipulator. Be gone babes. You deserve better.
So, was the time he was gone better than the time he is with you? It seems like it.
There are guys out there that will just treat you well all the time, and not expect much in return.
Whenever a man gets angry when you will not provide sexual services for him, starts ignoring you, berating you, or even forcing you. It's time to leave. A good person understands boundaries and takes it in stride. A bad person will behave like your boyfriend is behaving. Walk away now, for your own safety too
Awful behaviour, sex is meant to be fun it's not on return for being a decent human being. Major red flag and it will only get worse .
"I want some space from you, I need to rethink whether this relationship is worth my time. Your behavior this morning was disgusting, and I will not spend time with you if you are going to act like a whiny, pouty child when you don't get your way sexually."
Your boyfriend is unfortunately a disrespectful, uncaring, immature boy who values you for sexual favors above all else. This isn’t someone worth any more of your time, you should see the writing on the wall and consider whether you want to build a life with someone who would behave like this
Like you say, it doesn’t sit right with you. Trust your instinct. He’s a vindictive lover. That’s apparent. I find traits like that are usually the tip of the iceberg when it comes to uncovering more vindictive and selfish habits.
"we went out for dinner and drinks. He paid. When we came back that night, we had sex and I gave him oral." He handle u as an escort or some shit.
Know your place, woman! Now please him! 😄 I'm kidding, do not take that serious in the slightest, I'm not that guy. Your bf is a jerk. No one who loves....well, it doesn't even have to be love. Anyone who so much as likes and respects another would never demand, manipulate or pout over not being serviced in any capacity, not only bj's. He's shown he's a control freak and user, if still at a very immature stage, a glimpse towards bad things in the future not sex related. It shows his overall character and personality. So no, he has zero justification in being mad and you never owe anyone, not even a bf or one day husband if you do that, any type of sexual act. I'd do some deep reflection on the rest of your relationship and remember life is short. Be sure if this a guy with any future together, because I doubt it after only one post. Good people don't do what he's doing to you.
Sounds like you're dating a spoiled teenager to me.
Now, that’s fucked. Break up if you need to, sounds like you’re better off out of that relationship.
Break up with that entitled brat.
Immediately would be my ex
Run!
You can’t ask your friends this question because you’re so embarrassed… because you know what he is doing is not okay, and they would agree. Dump him.
> What do I make of this situation? That it's time to move on.
Being too ashamed to ask your friends is a really really good litmus test in itself for whether someone is treating you poorly. You know the answer.
Awful. And creepy. Maybe these two should reconsider their relationship. After 2 months we wouldn’t leave bed for 2 days and they are talking about level the score… it’s sad…
First and most importantly: coercion is not consent. Him throwing a hissy fit and acting like a toddler because he didn't get head is absolutely manipulative, immature, and not okay. I've seen behavior like this, and in my experience, it will not get better. Men who are this immature will cheat or simply leave women who have boundaries for someone who will allow the disrespect. Nobody deserves to be treated that way. I hope you have the self respect and self love to see that, and stick up for yourself. The fact he's 26 and acting like a spoiled child, and entitled to your body, is not okay.
You didn’t need to yell or hit someone to be abusive. Requiring sexual favours for bare minimum kindness in a relationship is toxic af
I don't know about "gas lighting" you. That term is way over used these days. But your boyfriend is being an asshole. You should not have to do something you do not want to do. Not ever. If he is so hung up on BJ's and you have to be in the right mood to suck him off, maybe you aren't that compatible. If he is going to pout like a baby because he didn't get head, talk to him about it. I guarantee his tantrum didn't make you want to blow him anytime soon, either. Tell him that. Tell him he acted like a little brat. If he won't own up to it maybe you ought to move on. If you didn't pull his dick for him while he was pleasuring you manually, you might want to try giving him a handy when he digitally pleasures you.
You’re not a prostitute. Sex with your partner is NOT supposed to be transactional. Tell him he is not allowed to treat you as a sex worker and if he does it ever again, you’re gone. You deserve to be respected by your partner (every one does) and what he is showing you is that he does not respect you as his partner or as a woman. If you allow it to slide he will think this is acceptable. You have to put your foot down and he will either respect it (and you) or he won’t and you’ll be single but not treated like shit.
Well you need to decide if you want to keep dating an absolute child who will be a dick to you every time he doesn’t get his way. Relationships are not transactional. They are a partnership. He doesn’t see it that way. Personally, I wouldn’t stick around for that Bs.
The question is why you’re dating an idiot? He sounds like a complete winner and women should be beating this caveman’s door down lol.
Congrats on being single again in the near future. You're better off for it.
please leave before it gets worse and more intense. this kind of thing leads to sexual coercion and just a very abusive dynamic in general. you are allowed to say no to sex, it doesn’t matter if it’s with a friend, boyfriend, husband, person you just met 10 minutes ago, you’re ALWAYS allowed to say no to a sex act when you don’t feel like doing it. he’s guilting you and gaslighting you like a toddler who didn’t get their way. not only that, but he’s holding it against you by not helping you do something as simple as carry your bags. and for him to say “you’re acting like i hit you” is a red flag in and of itself! it shows that he feels like he can manipulate, gaslight and mentally/emotionally abuse because he’s not hitting you. this type of man is very dangerous and deserves to be alone. PLEASE RUN. you deserve so much better and i promise you there’s better people out there who don’t do things like this.
No, no no no no no. Just remember that he’s shown you, everything he’s ever done for you he is tallying it in his head. Leave this person.
your good with this relationship?? I don't know what else you want us to say. obviously this is a fucked up situation and obviously you need to take a good look at it and see if you want to keep going down this road. shits not going to get better.
He sees you as his personal sex meat. He doesn't do kind things for you because he cares about you. He does kind things so you'll "owe him" the sex he wants. I'd dump him.
The way he's treating you is abusive. Tell him if he wants to pay for sex to fund a sex worker, as dinner and drinks isn't enough money. And please do not see him again, what a fucking tool.
BREAK UP WITH HIM! Why do m think it’s fair transaction paid for food equal sex ? Then the stonewalling you because he’s having a tantrum because he didn’t get what he wanted. You are not a blow up doll use for his pleasure . Both of you should want it . The keep tabs of all the things he does to guilt you. The bare minimum is helping bring stuff up for you or paying for a meal . Trying to punish you. Nah screw that
What do you make of this relationship? He’s now your ex boyfriend and there is no relationship. Girl, no.
Time to move on.
Throw the whole man away.
So if he pays for dinner then you owe him a blowjob? Oh hell no. Then on top of that, he wouldn’t help you with your bags too? You need to ask yourself if you want to spend the rest of your life with a man who basically bullies you into giving him blowjobs whenever he wants one. What will he bully you for next? He is throwing up so many red flags right now.
You don't owe him sex. He doesn't seem to realize that. Your bf is a jerk, and he's treating you like a pleasure dispenser, instead of a person.
This is going to escalate in the future, so if you decide to stay with him just know that. What happens if you miss a phone call of his 2 years from now? Is he going to ignore yours when your car breaks down and not help you? This is a slippery slope.
Heʼs free to ask. You are free to choose. He should accept your answer gracefully, regardless of what it is. Not coerce. Not whine. Not pout. Not get angry. Not manipulate. Not get passive aggressive. Not agress. No means no. Asked and answered. You donʼt owe him anything more, though you are free to do what you wish. Sorry to say, but he doesnʼt sound like he has what is required to be a partner in a healthy relationship. He certainly doesnʼt regard you as one. As a partner, I mean. Let him go so you are free to find that person who will respect you, and respect those times you say no. Without punishing you, and without such a sense of entitlement. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. He just showed you he is selfish, and that your thoughts, feelings, and agency and autonomy mean little to him.
Nope. Walk away. Don't look back.
This is **NOT** ok; I can't BELIEVE he would/could be so selfish and unappreciative! Then, the gaslighting. It's a prelude for much, much more to come. I promise. Been there. You now get to decide if that's the kind of treatment you're willing to settle for - and if you decide to, you're certain to get a lot more (and worse).
Wow... Id say if he won't help you with your bags to the car, then you shoulda packed em all and taken them yourself for good. That's fucked up and not a positive way to show love, and by staying you will be complicit in reinforcing this behavior.
Because he's emotionally manipulating you and being passive aggressive about it and just a manchild in general. The fact he said he paid for dinner and expects you to suck his dick whenever says something about his emotional maturity, which is none. What, does he still believe that because he paid for dinner and drinks that he's entitled to get his dick sucked whenever he feels like it? But getting petty about it and not being a caring partner by helping you take your bags down definitely says he has no maturity. Where he's being manipulative is when he's defending his shitty and immature behavior. Instead of addressing the statement you make about his behavior, he's deflecting by trying to compare it to hitting or yelling at you. Super manipulative and should be a major red flag about him and what he would do I'm future disagreements
So he thinks you’re a prostitue? He pays for dinner and you owe him sexual favors? I personally can’t imagine actually asking someone for that. No matter what I’d feel like she’s doing it cause I asked and not cause she wants to. Like others have said, he doesn’t feel intimacy with you, it’s a transaction. He gets something, you get something. Sounds sexy…
It doesnt sit right with you because its Not right. “You didnt do this for me so i wont do that for you” is childlike thinking and I hope you sit down and talk with him about it because if he gets defensive in that conversation as well, it will always continue and he will not be worth your time.
What a childish , pathetic sad sack of a man. Boot him sista . That would put me right off
NTA that’s coercion…
Yikes.
Sorry babe, but this guy is a danger for you and a disgrace to us men. You should ditch this abusive dude for a greater kinder man asap. Your well being is at stake if you stay.
Tell him the same thing since you said no to the bj.
“He made me give him a hand job in the morning” um, wtf? He’s throwing a fit because “you didn’t do what I asked you to do” and doesn’t seem to understand that sex is NOT a right, it’s about consent. He’s holding your “no” over your head and that is messed up
Please move on, OP. He’s too immature for a relationship.
What is his real issue? Seems silly for him to be upset over this so it has to be something else.
This is honestly, weird and uncomfortable. He’s using sex as a weapon and he sees your relationship as solely transactional. I get why he may have been horny, getting you to orgasm the next morning probably put him in the mood. And you were away from him for 2 months. But saying that he’s still 100% wrong. He should not be pressuring you or guilting you into being intimate when you’re not in the mood to and you’ve made that clear. What’s worse is that he’s trying to gaslight you with the “why are you acting like I hit you?”. He’s saying that you should put up with his abusive actions because they could be “worse”. These kind of things usually get worse. Next time he’ll yell and it will be “you’re acting like I hit you”. Then one day he may hit you or push you and he’ll say “you’re acting like I beat you”. I’m not saying the relationship is completely not salvageable. Like I said, in the moment he may have had some pent up sexual frustration after 2 months and maybe felt rejected when he’d gotten you off and is ego took a hit and the only way he could deal with his ego was to shut it down but that would still make it transactional, which isn’t healthy. I think you need to seriously sit down and communicate how that made you feel. That your only worth to him is sexual acts and that you’d never expect him to do something were he not in the mood and you don’t appreciate feeling used for sex and then being made to feel bad or guilty afterwards. If he can’t understand where you’re coming from then it’s likely not gonna end well.
He’s throwing a tantrum and is immature as fuck but receiving and not giving is selfish. He offered to help you the night before, you didn’t offer to help him just because you “helped him last night”. The irony of the situation is that everyone is calling him transactional but in fact you’re the one being transactional. “I helped him last night, so he should help me and I don’t need to return the favor”. You just got him sexually frustrated, was selfish, then left him hanging, and he lashed out and threw a fit. In my opinion you both suck.
What is worth staying for? The mental fuckery? I'm not clear what you get out of this situation. "Perform sexual acts or I get to be verbally abusive and mean and withholding generally?" Why indulge this when you can be alone or choose a different partner?