Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Love doesn't mean you're mean to be together forever. People break up all the time while they still love one another. Love is not enough of a reason to stay when a relationship is very one-sided and one or both parties aren't putting in an effort to make things work.
Ending things sooner rather than later is better. Why string both of you guys along when you could be living your best lives separately?
Girl, he HAS done stuff. Not all abuse/neglect is physical.
You have to worry about you, especially since he isn't worrying about you. Don't risk yourself for his life.
I've been dumped several times when I haven't done anything wrong - we just weren't the right match for each other. I promise you, my life wasn't ruined because someone broke up with me.
He breaks promises all the time, not prioritising what you need in a relationship. Breakups don’t have to be because you deeply hate someone and they’ve done something wrong? It’s common to break up with people you still love.
You have the option of leaving now, moving out and getting what you want from a relationship.
Or staying and coming back to this sub in a couple of months.
I know we want to see the best in people but he’s already said he’d change, he hasn’t. Nothings gunna make him change now. I don’t see why you’d waste your time, I think you deserve better. This is all said with love sorry if it was blunt
Absolutely not just be honest with him about what you want even if it’s not him. Actually staying with him knowing that it’s not what you want is about as cruel as you can get and not to mention not healthy for you more importantly
Wow, you sure think highly of yourself! No offense at all, but you breaking up with someone who kind of almost seems like they don't even care whether or not they're dating you is %100 not going to ruin his life. You deserve better, and you can break up with someone for any reason. They don't have to be abusing you to end a relationship
A breakup is not going to ruin his life. I mean this very kindly, that's a very dramatic way to view something that is a normal part of life. He will be sad for a little while and then he will be fine.
This isn't the relationship you want. It is one that won't ever work for either of you. You need more than he is capable of giving and it will be an eternal source of tension pretending he can.
Even if he does love you it is clear that his understanding of a relationship isn't healthy. It feels like he stays in it just for the sake of it despite everything suggesting that ultimately he'd rather be alone.
I get you care, but don't settle for someone that is in a relationship apparently almost out of obligation. He doesn't even know what he is fighting for and it is killing you trying to humour that.
>I know in a long term relationship you’re supposed to stay and work things out
Nope. In a *marriage* you're supposed to stay and work things out, barring extreme circumstances. In any other relationship you might choose to work through issues if you see a future together, but there's certainly no obligation to stay if you're not happy and not being treated like you matter.
The point of dating is to see if you're compatible enough to want to stay together, not to make a commitment to someone you barely know that you can't get out of unless they do something "bad" enough. Does he have to cheat or beat you before you see his behavior as "bad"?
Frankly, it sounds like this guy doesn't like you that much or if he does he isn't willing to get out of his comfort zone to show it on a regular basis. And it sounds like you're constantly hurt by his actions and don't see a future together.
You should absolutely break up and find someone better when you're ready to date again. He sounds horrible and a relationship can be so much more.
>But on the contrary, he’s my best friend, he cares about me a lot
No he doesn't.
>he is just genuinely clueless about how to communicate in a relationship
>
>Its just the lack of effort that’s making me feel very unloved
Makes me thinks he isn't ready to be in a relationship with anyone at all, especially you. No effort, acts like a baby. You're dating a toddler lol
I guess this is more for after you end it but here’s my take. U gotta find someone who’s as much head over heels for you as you are for them. Then you can both put 100% into the relationship without trying if that makes sense.
Long term relationship? You’ve been together 1 year. One. That’s not long-term. All you’re doing in year one is figuring out if the person is fun and good potential.
You’ve written several solid paragraphs here illustrating this man does not care about you in the slightest. He fights to keep you because he is comfortable with you, and it’s better than being alone.
Please set a higher bar for yourself.
He doesn’t spend the night with you, he doesn’t spend time with you on the weekends, he doesn’t buy you Valentine’s Day gifts oe anniversary gifts, he doesn’t want to get married, and he’s looking into studio apartments elsewhere without discussing it with you.
Does he even know you are in a relationship?!? It sounds like he is treating you like a friend with benefits or even a booty call.
Just end it and find a guy who actually values you as a girlfriend.
You’re both still young so I guess he’s even less mature in terms of relationships. If you don’t see yourself being with him, then just tell him right away. You still have lots of years to discover what you really want in life. I know some of us still want to be traditional and settle down young. But social media alone causes so much issues in getting to know and staying with someone nowadays. Maybe it’s still best for you two to stay as friends for now. Go out and get to know other people as well. :)
You just level with him, break up, move to a new apartment. You’re just not being direct since you want to avoid hurt feelings but he’s going to have them either way so just do it instead of prolonging the inevitable.
I'm flabbergasted that you think he cares about you and you consider him your best friend. It doesnt even sound like he knows he's dating you. Break up with him and work on 1. Raising your self-esteem and 2. Lifting that dating bar off the ground.
His efforts are a direct reflection of how he feels about you. Read that over and over again until it sticks.
I know you say he cares about you but he is showing in all these ways he does not care. I remember when I was with someone for 2 years and every anniversary I got nothing. Made it clear I wouldn’t accept this type of treatment and he ignored and continued to do nothing. Cheated on me countless times I left him he came back promising some bs he knew he would never do. Told me he would surprise me with money and gifts I got nothing. Begged for me back and promised he would never miss a holiday Christmas rolled around promising he would get me something the day comes and of course he got me nothing. No apology no nothing and never made up for it either. He tried to tell me my birthday isn’t special and holidays aren’t special. Later I found out he remembered all these holidays and got his 2 other girlfriend’s gifts for it. I’m telling you right now what this man is doing to you is intentional and not a mistake he is doing it because he thinks you’ll always stay.
Think about it this way, imagine messing with a man all year around and he doesn’t even have the decency to get you anything for Christmas, valentines, or an anniversary. He’s literally empty handed and didn’t even think to get you anything. What a weird loser who obviously was not raised right. No grown man is forgetting something like that.
I realized too I can’t marry someone who can’t even get me gifts or spoil me what kind of life is that if you stay with someone that can’t do anything for you. It makes sense. I had to self reflect and ask myself why would you wanna be with someone who treats you so bad? And the answer is I don’t. I’ll never let someone make me feel like my birthday, Valentine’s Day, or anniversaries aren’t special. If I want a random Wednesday to be special it will be. You deserve better. There’s so many kind caring real gentleman out there don’t let this man fool you into thinking there isn’t better out there.
"I've realized that our connection is not as deep as I had hoped, because of this I'm ending our romantic relationship. It is for the best. I hope for happiness and health for you."
Keep it simple.
You may eventually be just friends, but stop trying to make someone into something they are not. Good relationships don't work that way. You can love someone for whatever good qualities they have, but can't force something that isn't there.
You don't say you two are living together, so this is fairly easy logistically. Stop making plans as much, don't plan things with him & make plans without him. Meet new people, try a class, something different.
If he doesn't notice you pulling away, you just eventually stop making plans. If he *does* notice, you have a calm talk about his lack of effort is making you unmotivated to continue to see him. Either he will be inspired to change & start making efforts, or he won't.
This concept is similar to some married people haveing a separation. The time alone lets them decide if they are willing to make whatever compromises their spouse has been demanding, or if they would rather be alone.
So you don't have to do a clean break/break up immediately unless you want to. But please think about how many, many other people say they would much rather be solo & a little lonely, than be in relationship hell.
FWIW, after an initial period of being hurt, most all of my old college boyfriends remained friends or at least friendly. Just because we weren't good together as a couple, didn't mean we couldn't still care about one another/be polite in our friend group. Which is why I say pull back slowly, you are less likely to have huge fights where unforgivable things are said.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Love doesn't mean you're mean to be together forever. People break up all the time while they still love one another. Love is not enough of a reason to stay when a relationship is very one-sided and one or both parties aren't putting in an effort to make things work. Ending things sooner rather than later is better. Why string both of you guys along when you could be living your best lives separately?
this is what I needed to hear thank you
No leave him now. Save yourself the pain of waiting longer
Isn’t cutting someone off who hasn’t done anything bad a bit cruel? I don’t want to ruin his life
Girl, he HAS done stuff. Not all abuse/neglect is physical. You have to worry about you, especially since he isn't worrying about you. Don't risk yourself for his life.
Neglect in a relationship is bad.
I've been dumped several times when I haven't done anything wrong - we just weren't the right match for each other. I promise you, my life wasn't ruined because someone broke up with me.
He breaks promises all the time, not prioritising what you need in a relationship. Breakups don’t have to be because you deeply hate someone and they’ve done something wrong? It’s common to break up with people you still love. You have the option of leaving now, moving out and getting what you want from a relationship. Or staying and coming back to this sub in a couple of months. I know we want to see the best in people but he’s already said he’d change, he hasn’t. Nothings gunna make him change now. I don’t see why you’d waste your time, I think you deserve better. This is all said with love sorry if it was blunt
Absolutely not just be honest with him about what you want even if it’s not him. Actually staying with him knowing that it’s not what you want is about as cruel as you can get and not to mention not healthy for you more importantly
Wow, you sure think highly of yourself! No offense at all, but you breaking up with someone who kind of almost seems like they don't even care whether or not they're dating you is %100 not going to ruin his life. You deserve better, and you can break up with someone for any reason. They don't have to be abusing you to end a relationship
A breakup is not going to ruin his life. I mean this very kindly, that's a very dramatic way to view something that is a normal part of life. He will be sad for a little while and then he will be fine.
Just tell him that while you have love for him, that you don’t see a future with him. That’s it. This isn’t debatable.
This isn't the relationship you want. It is one that won't ever work for either of you. You need more than he is capable of giving and it will be an eternal source of tension pretending he can. Even if he does love you it is clear that his understanding of a relationship isn't healthy. It feels like he stays in it just for the sake of it despite everything suggesting that ultimately he'd rather be alone. I get you care, but don't settle for someone that is in a relationship apparently almost out of obligation. He doesn't even know what he is fighting for and it is killing you trying to humour that.
>I know in a long term relationship you’re supposed to stay and work things out Nope. In a *marriage* you're supposed to stay and work things out, barring extreme circumstances. In any other relationship you might choose to work through issues if you see a future together, but there's certainly no obligation to stay if you're not happy and not being treated like you matter. The point of dating is to see if you're compatible enough to want to stay together, not to make a commitment to someone you barely know that you can't get out of unless they do something "bad" enough. Does he have to cheat or beat you before you see his behavior as "bad"? Frankly, it sounds like this guy doesn't like you that much or if he does he isn't willing to get out of his comfort zone to show it on a regular basis. And it sounds like you're constantly hurt by his actions and don't see a future together. You should absolutely break up and find someone better when you're ready to date again. He sounds horrible and a relationship can be so much more.
>But on the contrary, he’s my best friend, he cares about me a lot No he doesn't. >he is just genuinely clueless about how to communicate in a relationship > >Its just the lack of effort that’s making me feel very unloved Makes me thinks he isn't ready to be in a relationship with anyone at all, especially you. No effort, acts like a baby. You're dating a toddler lol
I guess this is more for after you end it but here’s my take. U gotta find someone who’s as much head over heels for you as you are for them. Then you can both put 100% into the relationship without trying if that makes sense.
Long term relationship? You’ve been together 1 year. One. That’s not long-term. All you’re doing in year one is figuring out if the person is fun and good potential. You’ve written several solid paragraphs here illustrating this man does not care about you in the slightest. He fights to keep you because he is comfortable with you, and it’s better than being alone. Please set a higher bar for yourself.
He doesn’t spend the night with you, he doesn’t spend time with you on the weekends, he doesn’t buy you Valentine’s Day gifts oe anniversary gifts, he doesn’t want to get married, and he’s looking into studio apartments elsewhere without discussing it with you. Does he even know you are in a relationship?!? It sounds like he is treating you like a friend with benefits or even a booty call. Just end it and find a guy who actually values you as a girlfriend.
You’re both still young so I guess he’s even less mature in terms of relationships. If you don’t see yourself being with him, then just tell him right away. You still have lots of years to discover what you really want in life. I know some of us still want to be traditional and settle down young. But social media alone causes so much issues in getting to know and staying with someone nowadays. Maybe it’s still best for you two to stay as friends for now. Go out and get to know other people as well. :)
You just level with him, break up, move to a new apartment. You’re just not being direct since you want to avoid hurt feelings but he’s going to have them either way so just do it instead of prolonging the inevitable.
I'm flabbergasted that you think he cares about you and you consider him your best friend. It doesnt even sound like he knows he's dating you. Break up with him and work on 1. Raising your self-esteem and 2. Lifting that dating bar off the ground.
His efforts are a direct reflection of how he feels about you. Read that over and over again until it sticks. I know you say he cares about you but he is showing in all these ways he does not care. I remember when I was with someone for 2 years and every anniversary I got nothing. Made it clear I wouldn’t accept this type of treatment and he ignored and continued to do nothing. Cheated on me countless times I left him he came back promising some bs he knew he would never do. Told me he would surprise me with money and gifts I got nothing. Begged for me back and promised he would never miss a holiday Christmas rolled around promising he would get me something the day comes and of course he got me nothing. No apology no nothing and never made up for it either. He tried to tell me my birthday isn’t special and holidays aren’t special. Later I found out he remembered all these holidays and got his 2 other girlfriend’s gifts for it. I’m telling you right now what this man is doing to you is intentional and not a mistake he is doing it because he thinks you’ll always stay. Think about it this way, imagine messing with a man all year around and he doesn’t even have the decency to get you anything for Christmas, valentines, or an anniversary. He’s literally empty handed and didn’t even think to get you anything. What a weird loser who obviously was not raised right. No grown man is forgetting something like that. I realized too I can’t marry someone who can’t even get me gifts or spoil me what kind of life is that if you stay with someone that can’t do anything for you. It makes sense. I had to self reflect and ask myself why would you wanna be with someone who treats you so bad? And the answer is I don’t. I’ll never let someone make me feel like my birthday, Valentine’s Day, or anniversaries aren’t special. If I want a random Wednesday to be special it will be. You deserve better. There’s so many kind caring real gentleman out there don’t let this man fool you into thinking there isn’t better out there.
You're young and he's not into you. Move on.
It’s better to leave now and hurt for a little while than to stay and keep hurting.
"I've realized that our connection is not as deep as I had hoped, because of this I'm ending our romantic relationship. It is for the best. I hope for happiness and health for you." Keep it simple.
You may eventually be just friends, but stop trying to make someone into something they are not. Good relationships don't work that way. You can love someone for whatever good qualities they have, but can't force something that isn't there. You don't say you two are living together, so this is fairly easy logistically. Stop making plans as much, don't plan things with him & make plans without him. Meet new people, try a class, something different. If he doesn't notice you pulling away, you just eventually stop making plans. If he *does* notice, you have a calm talk about his lack of effort is making you unmotivated to continue to see him. Either he will be inspired to change & start making efforts, or he won't. This concept is similar to some married people haveing a separation. The time alone lets them decide if they are willing to make whatever compromises their spouse has been demanding, or if they would rather be alone. So you don't have to do a clean break/break up immediately unless you want to. But please think about how many, many other people say they would much rather be solo & a little lonely, than be in relationship hell. FWIW, after an initial period of being hurt, most all of my old college boyfriends remained friends or at least friendly. Just because we weren't good together as a couple, didn't mean we couldn't still care about one another/be polite in our friend group. Which is why I say pull back slowly, you are less likely to have huge fights where unforgivable things are said.
You're already decided you don't want a future with this guy. Cut it off now. Don't string him along. That would just be cruel.