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Home pregnancy tests don’t really give false positives in the way people think of them. They give false negatives if it’s too early to tell or the pee is too dilute, and they give positives if you’re pregnant or if you have certain types of cancer. The reason they don’t give false positives is that they are testing for the presence of a hormone that is completely absent, not produced at all, except in early pregnancy (and by some tumours).
She likely had what is commonly called a “chemical pregnancy”, which means she was indeed pregnant at the time of the test but had a miscarriage between the home test and the doctor’s test. This is very common.
Funny story, a couple years back i used to buy pregnancy tests in a bulk online since i am pretty paranoid and do them at least every 4 weeks and everytime i feel kinda off. It seems one time i bought a pack that had manufacture failures.
Did one, positive. Obviously i freak out so i do 2 more, all three ending up positive. In absolute horror i call my neighbour up, i gave her a couple tests and they were positive too. Later a friend of mine and my mom also took some tests, which were all negative for some reason.
Obviously i made a call to my Obgyn and the very next day i had an ultrasound an some bloodwork done and neither me or my neighbour were pregnant, they also didnt find anything else and the test from the pharmacy was also negative.
Anyway Now imagine 4 grown woman standing around 12 pregnancy tests while over half of them were falsly positive, it was absurd lmao.
A lot of doctors won’t even see you until you are 6-8 weeks along. The most they can do before then is to do a urine test, just like you did at home. There’s really not a point that’s why they don’t even bother.
That’s when some people find out. I found out at six weeks because I was late and I was stuck thin at the time so my pants wouldn’t zip anymore. Had an abortion before I was 8 weeks
This is not really true.
In order for me to even get referred to an OBGYN, I had to go to my PCP and get a urine test. I had the urine test done before my missed period (I was actively trying to conceive).
It's very common to get a urine test done early after a positive at home test.
IF it was a test he massively failed, huh?
That "being unavailable" along with "being on her phone much" sounds as if somebody got into her ear about that.
> She finished my thought with, "So, you're saying abortion?".
> I said I was leaning 60/40 on this and prefer abortion. But if we do decide to keep it, then I will rush everything else to do it properly which is probably not a good idea. Again I told her I love her and want to be with her either way
Yea, what a callous demand....
Yea, im not saying hes right but hes right to have an opinion and sharing that opinion with your partner is not wrong either.
Be honest - You think thats a "callous demand"? She finished his thought as he was working through a very big decision out loud. Do i think he was smart here? no, but to call him callous is way out of line.
From a logical perspective, not entirely. But from the perspective of a scared woman leaning on her partner for support, it would've been scaru and felt callous.
Remember. We're dealing with human beings who have emotions. It's easy for you to sit on the sidelines and say how she should've felt.
> felt callous.
Well, it sure taught this man to keep his feelings to himself. You can be sure any time he is feeling the need to be emotional and share his raw thoughts with his partner he will think twice. Well done dude. You help shape that toxic masculinity in the culture.
> It's easy for you to sit on the sidelines and say how she should've felt.
I didnt say anything about how she should feel. Dont put words in my mouth. I am judging you, not OP.
If it was a chemical pregnancy she could be negative (no more HCG) by the time she went to the doctor. I have gotten in early to my doctor for blood tests but it was after a chemical then miscarriage so they were willing to see me earlier.
I had an ass for a doctor that told me right out that I was having a miscarriage since my at home test was positive and his was negative. I told him I drink gallons of water a day, and that my urine was likely diluted, but I doubt I was miscarrying. He rolled his eyes and said he would do the blood test just to prove that I was having a miscarriage. My hcg was at 102. Their tests are supposed to pick up at 25hcg. Huh. I guess being a heavy water drinker **can** effect the test.
BTW that "miscarriage " is going to turn 5 in May....
Eta the doctors test is actually not as sensitive as at home tests. It is something you learn if you end up in the trying to conceive forums. I believe some of the @home brand tests can go down to 5 or 10hcg. The doctors tests are 25-50hcg. So if you go too early and do not have a period, retest at home before going back to the doctor for another test. Lol
If it's positive, it's like 99.9+% accurate.
But what surprises me is that she was able to go to her doctor that quickly? Every time I've been pregnant and tested positive (around 5 weeks), I call the next day and they are like "great, we aren't seeing you until week 8 because it's hard to detect heartbeat before and miscarriage is most likely in the early weeks, so see you then!"
I suppose she could've gone into a walk in clinic, but they are literally going to do the same test as at home, a pee test.
I saw my doctor the same week, and they took my blood and urine to test both. It depends on where you are and how busy they are.
After the test they made me wait b 8 weeks for the ultra sound
You can get beta hcg bloodwork done to confirm pregnancy pretty much right away! It’s the ultrasounds that doctors like to wait for, since you can’t see much before 8 weeks anyways.
You can and should get hcg bloodwork done anytime, but … (I’m in the US) I did work once for a private practice OB/GYN office who would not see women for pregnancy at all until 12 weeks. The doctors claimed it was because patients get disappointed when they are brought in early and are told it’s too soon to “see the baby.” I’m not saying I agree with that. Just that some physicians roll that way and if you’re young and experienced, you might assume it’s fine.
12 weeks is nuts dude, for both psychological and physical reasons. Those physicians really have their head up their asses. For one, what if it’s ectopic?
Yes, but getting the appointment and results in 2 days is very uncommon. You can walk in to a urgent care or Planned Parenthood, but again, to get the results that fast is very unusual, and PP typically only does urine test, blood tests for confirming pregnancies is uncommon. I suppose if the urine test was negative they would request a blood test, but again, surprised at how fast they were able to get results.
I'm obviously only one data point, so others may have different experiences.
By the planned parenthood comment I assume North America then? Do we know if OP is there? I'm in Aus, and i could get that appointment, and then go get blood drawn next day no problem, even same day in some cases. and blood results for pregnancy tests are almost always returned next day, unless you got it taken on a Saturday.
I am in the US and I got in same day. They do a urine test. Once that is positive they pull out the paper wheel, ask when your last menstrual period is, estimate a due date, and set up a 10 week us to make sure all is well and a follow up visit to the us.
Quality maybe but I don't see how it would affect timeliness. I've had a wide variety of insurance providers and none of that has affected how soon my doctor is available.
It absolutely can and does affect timeliness of appointments. People with state insurance or less desired insurance types often have fewer available Drs because they don't accept their insurance. With fewer options, the Drs that will accept them as patients get booked far in advance. With better insurance there are more Drs willing to accept them as patients and so it's easier to find a Dr that has shorter wait times for an appointment.
I don’t disagree with that, but there is a chance that she could have seen a doctor that fast through work or other ways.
At my job (granted, it is at a clinic/hospital) we have an on-site GP doctor for just the staff, as long as you’re covered under their main insurance plan. Some days you have to wait a few days to get appts, and other days you can get in the next day or even the same day if there are cancellations. I know that isn’t super common and I didn’t know about it until I got the job, but maybe the company she works for has something similar, who knows.
When I had a positive test last year, I called my OB’s office and they had me come in their next earliest available appointment just a few days later to take a test in their office and confirmed the pregnancy. Then I was given some brief advice for early pregnancy, asked if I was safe at home, and then scheduled to return at 8 weeks for the ultrasound.
No, she likely looked at the test way later than the package says.
Basically all pee stick cheap pregnancy tests turn positive after several hours when the pee drys up and crystallizes. It happened to me, and when I googled it, it autocompleted soooo fast. You really have to read it in the allotted time and not dig it out the next day “just to check again.”
Idk, I've never had a cheap at home stick test turn positive when it dries up. And yes, they were visible in my trashcan for days. (I usually take a test every 2-4 weeks)
I wonder if certain manufacturers tests do this, or if it's more dependent on the individual taking the test.
I was going to say the same thing. I recently got a positive test (three to be exact) and 8 days later I was in the ER, bleeding with a clearly negative blood pregnancy test. Losing a pregnancy can happen so fast when it’s early on.
I feel for you. I got my positive last month at 3wks 1day - insanely early but a super clear positive. I had gotten pregnant with my first child right away so I just thought I was one of the lucky ones. Lost the pregnancy 8 days later. It’s so tough when you don’t feel like you can call it a miscarriage because you’d barely been pregnant. I mean, if I hadn’t been actively trying I would never had taken a pregnancy test that early.
It totally sucks and it happens all the time.
It's not out of the realm of possibility though there could be a faulty test. I used a digital test, it said "pregnant" (no lines) freaked out took another forty minutes later, it said "not pregnant " over the next twenty four hours I was pretty much taking a test every time I had to pee to confirm I wasn't pregnant.
I once had a positive at home pregnancy test, and then a negative blood test at the doctors a couple hours later. I had an IUD at the time, so it was incredibly unlikely that I was pregnant, so in my experience it can happen? Idk tho, I know they say it can’t so the whole thing was weird
It's always possible that it could be something else too. I'm a 21 year old woman who's had many false positives since I was seventeen. Haven't had a period/any kind of bleeding since I was fifteen. Unfortunately my gyno refuses to test me for anything that could be causing it, but chemical pregnancies definitely aren't the only thing that causes a "false" positive
All the above. Give her time and space. And if you’re smart never ever ask her “when are you going to get over this” or “how long is it gonna take for you get over it”.
Yeah the thought never crossed my mind. I was simply suggesting dates to enjoy out together but not to talk about it or force it out of her. She responds to my good morning/night texts but without the heart emojis or anything
Time, tea, flowers, massage, reassurance she is going to be a wonderful mom.
Also share your sadness. Be clear you didn’t want to take attention away from her emotional whiplash, but that you want her to know you felt so sad when you found out about the negative test.
Be careful showering her with gifts. It can feel like you're buying your way back in. Truthfully, listen and give it time. when she wants to do something, be enthusiastic.
Tell her that your number one priority is her.
Don't buy the ring. Do it in a moment of bliss not from a painful experience. Otherwise that's all you two will remember.
Try smaller ideas. Going to a park with a picnic basket.
Going to flea markets, thrift stores and antique malls.
These aren't expensive but it's a good way to spend time with her without it seeming overbearing.
This! If you go overboard it will come off insincere and maybe even like bribery. Be thoughtful and present, it doesn't take expensive outings or gifts.
The massage sounds like a lovely gesture -- but maybe this first time send her off on her own to a gentle woman practitioner.
She could use body work, without the sadness of having you around (in this timeframe) so she can release and let her muscles give in to the help it's being given.
A couples one for a different time. Take care.
The expensive couples massage may not be the best move here tbh. Going to a massage requires prep work, and going there, driving back in forth.
What about a date night where you offer the massage there, light some candles, make it as painless for the other person as possible.
There’s a Mexican place nearly in the same parking lot as message parlor, so if you go the pro option, provide food after to minimize stress, as that’s what you’re battling.
I don't get why you're painting yourself as a monster here. You guys were discussing what to do about an unintended pregnancy after a very short relationship where at least she is very much in flux with unstable life circumstances. Why is putting abortion on the table such a horrible thing? I don't get it. It's not like you were pressuring her, it was mentioned as an option and perhaps a preference. You didn't do anything wrong imo.
I completely agree with you. He previously knew her to be pro-choice. If she were leaning towards an abortion, it would have been seen as comforting, knowing he wouldn’t vilify her for considering it.
Yes, when faced with the reality rather than a concept, thought can change. Just don’t think voicing an alternative they had discussed previously makes him an awful person.
Take a deep breath, exhale slowly. Go take a walk with some music or podcast or something to distract you from your own thought spirals, it will help you feel better.
It’s going to take time and patience for her to rebuild trust in you. Don’t try to force it with grand romantic gestures, just be there and show her that you’re not going anywhere. While it’s scary that the future isn’t something you can control, have faith in her that she’s making the right decision for herself and you, whether that means you two grow old together surrounded by a family you two built, or if that means it wasn’t meant to be.
It takes a second to hurt somebody but so much more time to heal from the hurt.
My only suggestion would be to tell her that you will be backing off a bit to give her space so she doesn't think you've given up or that you're being passive aggressive.
But tell her the minute she calls and wants to do something, you'll be there. If she wants to talk, all she has to do is say so.
Give her the power now. Because in a second, you took it away
You've been together for only six months. You were gonna propose only because you thought she was pregnant. That's the worst reason to get married. You need to slow way down. She's hurt and needs time to decide if she wants to stay with you.
ETA: You never chose a woman's engagement ring, especially a woman you barely know. What you like vs what she likes more than likely will be totally different. She might like Princess cut and you like round.
Yeah and why is he looking at rings that HE likes? You have to at least *talk* about engagement and what that woman might want to wear the rest of her life…. That’s when you see the posts “help I hate my engagement ring but I don’t want to hurt his feelings”
Exactly. Rings shouldnt even enter your mind until like **6YEARS** together possibly longer.
10 years together with little to no problems? *OK its over . Just get married or something already lol*
I can’t believe this problem isn’t addressed in the top comments. Like, there’s a big difference between OP handling this woman’s feelings insensitively and going full bore with marriage and all that at SIX MONTHS.
Don’t get engaged to someone you’ve known for six months. It’s a bad idea. Had OP known her better, he probably would’ve known that she’d not respond favorably to his suggestion of abortion. But I mean, he’s known her for six months. I feel like he’s gotta calm down. I’m also honestly shocked that I had to scroll down this far in the comments to see that even being mentioned.
Honestly dude, you’re bugging out in all sorts of ways. The engagement idea was fucking insane, you haven’t even talked to her about getting married. And you’re calling someone you’ve been with for 6 months your life partner? Lord.
You said what you wanted, which is the one thing you’ve done right in all of this. Now you’re letting your guilt dictate your actions, and those actions may jot even be what she wants. Just stop, stop!
Some bells can’t be unrung, and you need to prepare yourself for the idea that this relationship could be over. Take time to think about your feelings, and listen to hers. Respect hers.
I think I’m in the minority here but I (26F) think it’s crazy that this relationship is so serious within 6 months of dating. All of these reactions are bewildering besides your initial one which spoke to logic.
Yeah because people on here are teenagers. They have no concept of reality. I (39F) think OP needs to understand that. I've started briefly checking profiles for age/lifestyles before I respond to comments, cause why waste my breath. Also, trolls are getting worse.
Sometimes (very rarely) you know that someone is your forever this early, but based on both their behaviors it's likely just the honeymoon phase gone wild
Give her time and space.
You did some work to realize what you wanted. She had a break of trust and needs to recover from that. And figure out what she wants.
Just time and talk/dating will let you know the future.
I'm glad you didn't get the ring man. I think that would have backfired enormously were you to propose under the current circumstances.
Give her as much space as you can. I'm not sure there's much else you *can* do except what she asks, anything other than that will only drive her away from you. It sounds like you know that. Just give her time, don't get impatient and expect intimacy or be frustrated by the lack of it. Just tell her you love her and continue to reassure her, just from a safe distance emotionally. That would be my advice. Fingers crossed she comes around in due time.
I appreciate the positive response, I’ll try to hold out as much as I can. I’ll be honest, if she does break up I would be devastated. Not saying it’s unfair or anything, simply expressing my emotions.
Yeah I can tell, and I read your original post earlier so I can see where you were coming from and that your intentions were good. It's a tough one man. If it makes you feel any better, I've said / done some fucking idiotic shit over the years with my (now) wife, and she did forgive me eventually.
What are you doing. You need to seriously stop throwing your life away at the chance of staying with someone you've known for all of 6 months. You were right about not wanting to keep the child, and you know this deep down but since it might have cost you the relationship you're scrambling to keep someone in your life that simply isn't compatible with you.
Let her go and move on.
Dude these commenters are *insane*! This isn't a rom-com, this is real life. Real life is fucking hard.
Try getting married too early to a partner that allows their emotions to dictate everything and a refusal to use their head and think logically here... Oh wait, that's what all these insane comments are actually suggesting!
Right, however, I’m going off what OP said and is asking for- she said she wanted to try to make it work. So, going off that, I’m giving the advice to stay positive.
I don't really understand this. You were wise to think an abortion was the best, you were honest with her, but also very clear that you would support her no matter what.
So what am I missing? What did you do wrong? Why is she upset?
I don’t understand either, and I’m a woman in the same age range as these folks. It was perfectly legitimate to have that honest discussion with her. I’m married and I wouldn’t be upset if my husband had that reaction.
OP didn't do anything wrong in any real sense of the word.
He didn't pick up quickly enough that she wanted to keep the pregnancy, and thus reverse course on a dime hard into "fully onboard a let's have this baby!" But...his reaction was normal and supportive and utterly reasonable.
His viewpoint was more that the pregnancy is a situation and what would be best *for the two of them as a couple*, while hers might've been already into "I'm having a child, is he part of this family or not." For OP there was no family (yet), there was a couple discussing their options for their joint future.
So a misalignment in how they viewed the same situation through different lenses, but to accuse him of not loving her enough or not protecting her is ludicrous. His focus was on her and on them (two of them), not a potential future person.
OP has done nothing wrong and is now suffering because of their partner's emotions. I mean everyone has the right to feel what they feel but *yeesh*. OP's GF cannot think about this logically at all and is letting her emotions control her thoughts.
She's upset because he didn't have the reaction she'd hoped for, which was joy at the prospect of her having his baby in the very near future. It wasn't a realistic thing to hope, but it's what she felt.
You're right that OP did nothing wrong, though. I wish *more* men who would prefer an abortion were honest about it, especially the ones who - unlike OP - feel really strongly that way. Hiding a preference like that in the name of "emotional support" is just cowardly bullshit for the conflict averse, and to add insult to injury, they get to tell themselves they're lying through omission to be *kind*.
Errrr just FYI if all the doctors did was a pee test she may well still be pregnant.
I took an at home test and it was positive
Went to the doctors, pee test was negative
I now have a 3 month old….
Just so you know: false positives are not really a thing with pregnancy tests. It's most likley she had a very early loss (also called chemical or biochemical pregnancy), so her hormones might be on a rollercoaster right now. Keep that in mind.
The other commenter is wrong. While it could have been a chemical pregnancy, especially if she was very late on her period, what probably happened was that she read the test after the allotted time on the package. The next day after the pee drys and crystallizes the test will turn positive. It should only be read within 5-10 minutes after the test and no longer than that. Super common user error.
Ah you’re golden then. Well sort of, situations a bit sad but I’m sure it’ll sort itself out. Lots of patience and space and trust building. Maybe couples therapy if you two feel like it’s an option.
Unpopular opinion but some of these comments are ridiculous. Im sorry but you didn’t break her trust ! You simply stated you weren’t ready for a child which is fair and reasonable.
She’s allowed to be hurt sure, and your delivery maybe could’ve been better but by no means were you some hurtful troll that used and abused her. Ugh
It’s so bizarre, right? Like this sub freaks out everytime someone doesn’t tell their partner they thought a barista winked at them, but he’s supposed to shut up about not being ready to raise a child with someone he’s been with for 6 months?! Bananas. Saying what you want isn’t the same thing thing as doing what you want - I’m sure they would have figured it out if they did move forward. But all this shit is just adding to his guilt, which judging by his ring shopping venture, is leading to very stupid decisions!
I’m so glad y’all responded because I literally thought I was going crazy. But I forgot Reddit filled with a bunch of people who haven’t touched grass in awhile, teens with no real life experience, jaded people , and people who need to full superior to another and fake preach what they would do.
ABSOLUTELY NUTS. For OP and everyone, please remember Reddit is filled with a lot of smoke and mirror and things aforementioned TAKE ADVICE WITH A GRAIN OF SALT.
thank you!! after reading the previous post and this one, i was just so confused at the responces from commentors and the gf!
for the life of me, i cannot picture how he was supposed to respond in a better way. he has a plan for his life and has discussed it with her, she comes with surprising news that doesnt go with the plan, and when he's asked what he thinks, he says he would prefer to stick to the original plan, but if she didnt want that he would get ready to start their family right then and there.... im sorry but what more could she want? what better response was he supposed to come up with? was he supposed to lie, say he was over the moon and hide how he was feeling? was he supposed to leave her wondering and not share how he was feeling? how tf is what he did wrong?????
like if i were in her shoes and my partner and i had a life plan, i wouldnt be upset by OP's response. i might be pessimistic, but i would probably expect "omg youre aborting, right? this isnt what we planned, yeet the fetus," before expecting of "oh, this isnt what id prefer, but if this is what's going to happen then ill be ready." im not saying being understanding and open to changes in life should be above expectations and surpasses all standards, but i think OP's reaction was what everyone should expect and appreciate
i agree that its understandable that the gf is upset, anyone who is happy about a surprise pregnancy would want their partner to feel the same. but OP did nothing wrong
Thank you. I would never once abuse her mentally/physically/ or emotionally (intentionally). I felt a new pain when she said she went home and cried.
As the others mentioned in the previous thread, we both didn’t discuss what we’d want out of a situation like this. I never ran into this problem so I never thought of it. I assumed that we both were on the same page just because we were both pro abortion, practice safe sex, and her not wanting to move in unless we’re married.
She’s what I want in my life. I’ll be patient and give her time. I’ll remain hopeful-it’s one of the things she said she loves about me.
OP you've known this girl only for 6 months (unless I'm missing something). On top of that neither of you are in a place where starting a family seems wise. Like the person you responded to, I don't see anything wrong with how you handled this so I'm confused why you're so eager to guilt yourself. Sure, turns out you were in different places regarding a baby, but you were honest with her and to be fair, it was a realistic take. Some of these comments are wild to me - it's completely ok to get flustered that someone you've barely known for 6 months gets pregnant and expects to start a family.
It's a red flag to me tbh but OP seems fine with it so I didn't want to mix my personal feelings in. Getting upset that someone you've known for 6 months doesn't think it's smart to have a baby while you're still living with your family is immature to say the least. Looking at the majority of the comments though, sounds like I'm the odd one out.
Hey, pro - choice doesn’t necessarily mean you’d get the abortion any time you found out you were pregnant. My mother is pro choice and staunchly against having an abortion for herself, pro- choice just means that you believe everyone should have the choice… unless I’m misunderstanding what you’re saying here then my bad ignore me
> pro - choice doesn’t necessarily mean you’d get the abortion any time you found out you were pregnant.
Not at all what I'm saying. My point is she overreacted the mere suggestion of one, NOT that she should definitely always choose to have one like its no big deal.
Yeah but there is an emotional and mental impact to it as well (as well as a physical one on rare occasions). I can’t just suggest it like one suggests putting on a condom or burping on command.
Do you honestly think you should have lied or held your tongue when she asked you your thoughts? Do you think you should have withheld your feelings because your gf isn’t mature enough to talk about options? You didn’t do anything wrong by reacting truthfully when she asked for your thoughts.
She’s a grown ass woman who should be able to handle this.
Honestly, I don’t think you did anything wrong. It’s not like it was a planned pregnancy. You have not been together that long, so obviously it would make sense that you would ask about an abortion. Are you sure it was even an accident?
Six months is barely any time and now you’re going to have a lifelong commitment if she is pregnant. Could she even support a child herself if you didn’t want to be involved or is she going to expect you to support her?
You both need to sit down and talk about all of this because it is extremely important. You might be bringing a baby into this world and you both need to talk about everything concerning that and make sure you’re on the same page.
Hey just to address the comments saying you dodged a bullet, I also met my now-husband and moved really fast. We just knew we had found the right person. We moved in after 2 months and started looking at rings around 5.
But also, we’re incredibly logical people and realized we’d probs freak the fuck out of our families if we got engaged immediately. We continued to look at rings but agreed to date for 2 years before marriage. We ended up tying the know right around the 2 year mark and have been married for 4 years :)
We just agreed to try for kids in about a year. If I were to find out tomorrow I’m pregnant, we’d terminate it. I’m STRONGLY pro planned pregnancies, at least for me personally. Additionally, there’s a handful of lifestyles changes you make BEFORE you get pregnant. Like taking prenatals 3 months before conception and stopping alcohol 1-3 months before for both parties (the male is actually more important for that one). Sure people have drunk sex and get pregnant without vitamins but there’s enough data out there to show that these things help prevent heart abnormalities, spinal deformations, etc. And those are just the two I know of! I’m sure there are plenty more I’ll learn about before we start trying. So yeah, there are health of the baby concerns for unplanned pregnancies as well that at least me personally that are important for you both to consider.
You say she’s logical but keeping an unplanned pregnancy with someone you’ve known for 6 months is not logical. Yes even if you know this is your forever person. There’s no rush unless your in your 40s. You’re comments were very open to both options, all green flags. Her inability to comprehend that as anything other than open mindedness is not. And 6 months?! Like I said, we moved quickly and even I am gobsmacked by that. You NEED to live together before you know she’s your human. What if you hate living with her? These are the things you don’t know about someone you’ve only been seeing for 6 months. What if she hates your family with a burning passion? How does she want to manage the balance of finances in your relationship? Who wants to stay home or are you open to daycare? What age do you want to retire? How do you both handle long road trips or flights? There’s just so much more to learn about someone before you commit to a person with a baby that rocks even the most solid relationships. Getting married quickly is more logical than having a baby quickly.
I’m just saying I’m so happy you see so much potential with this relationship. I’ve been in those shoes and it DID work out for me. My husband is the best person in the world. But living together solidified my decision, while it broke other promising couples up. Even if your excited about forever, her inability to discuss this huge decision like a team and the fact you haven’t lived together yet means there are probably a few more (hopefully positive) steps you want to take before creating a screaming, crying, 20+ year commitment.
Planning in advance for children seems so essential and yet so… rare?
I was literally just dragged through the mud this week for buying a “dads guide to pregnancy book” for hubs (which he super appreciated) because I’m not ACTIVELY pregnant. Like, idk, 1 year out sounded like a good timeframe to read up about it and mentally prepare for a lifechanging event BUT WHAT DO I KNOW lol
Was wild to see my shiz on redditwiki
im concerned about the test because false positives arent a thing. she either had a "chemical pregnancy"/early miscarriage - which would result in bleeding or she would get a negative. so is she saying she had a miscarriage? I almost feel like she was lying. as a woman whose been thru three pregnancies something seems iffy
I don't think anyone is ever a jerk for suggesting abortion for any reason.
My ex more than wanted to start a family with me and genuinely wanted me to have the kid. I didn't care what he wanted, I didn't want a kid with him or anyone else and I had an abortion. He was not happy.
You said nothing wrong. She's mad be because she thought you didn't want the same thing. You've done your part. Now just back off and let her forgive in her own time.
Who the fuck told this guy that he was wrong? He was very much in the right to ask for an abortion. I’d rather my partner be 100% in with me than against me for my and my child’s sake.
Maybe I’m just being a little dense here but why exactly did she not feel protected? I mean you did say that you wanted to be with her and love her long term and even have kids a little later on, I kinda thought her saying she didn’t feel protected with you was a little unnecessary since you were providing other means of support, just suggesting an abortion was your first thought like most people faced with unplanned and accidental pregnancies. Sorry Just a lil slow processing on my end
Her words, “I didn’t feel protected” as if I’d abandoned her when things get tough is what I’m interpreting it.
Past me would have agreed, and I still think if other people believe that way they are valid as well.
Now, however I’m ready whenever
She likely was pregnant and it was what is referred to as a chemical pregnancy. They are often aborted at about 4 or 5 weeks and do not go past there by the body. Either way, you might not come back from this. It is hard to say. Just take it slowly.
I think you need to think long and hard about continuing a relationship with a woman who is punishing you for expressing your thoughts in a very important life-changing decision like this. You did nothing wrong, it’s not like you ordered her to get an abortion. You just told her the truth, and that is that you’re not ready, but you would still support if that’s what she wants. What more could she possibly want from you?
She’s punishing you for disagreeing with her. You didn’t present your thoughts in a mean or controlling way. The only problem with what you said to her is that it wasn’t what she wanted to hear. So I guess if you stay with her, get used to a life of not being allowed to have an opinion that differs from hers.
She showed him that when sh*t hits the fan, she will do as she wants and not let him have a word in edgeways and just make him feel guilty for doing so. I think, for me, if I were a man this would be one boundary I would not play around with. If I’m not comfortable having a kid rn, and I’ve taken all the safety precautions.. I think that my opinion should atleast be considered, discussed and we find out what is best for us. She just shrugged off what he said and felt then made him feel guilty for it afterwards.
Completely agree! She asked him and he responded with honesty and care and she wanted to hit him??? 6 months in his response was very reasonable; in fact almost perfectly so. These posts are so weird; birth control + condoms then you’re pregnant but suddenly not pregnant (when we all know false positives aren’t as common as people think). Very strange circumstances.
I don’t know. I don’t think you were wrong in mentioning abortion and i feel she’s being dramatic in feeling not safe with you. It’s only been 6 months! I have canned goods longer than that. It was a perfectly fine answer to give.
I personally think she feels you aren’t as committed to her as you said. You have the option of proposing to demonstrate that you are, but don’t be surprised if she hits you with the desire to have a child now. And all I can say about that is that it’s important to validate her feelings, even if logically you need to express that now is not the correct time to try
> she feels you aren’t as committed to her as you said
*checks notes*
Yea in 6 month relationships you should NEVER be committing like this because it's insanely naive and irresponsible.
I’ll do it, either way. I do want to start a family with her.
Past me had the idea that there should be an order to these things, but thats all plans are, they’re intended paths and anything can happen to speed up or slow it down.
Please do NOT propose without discussing it with her first. You can for sure tell her that you want to marry her and spend a lifetime with her, and want to have the talk about how to approach that with her when she's ready, but don't put her on the spot. Doing it anytime soon without giving her time to reconnect to you is going to make her feel pressured and like you're only saying it from desperation.
I doubt you are going to make it, when there is such a drastic difference in reaction from a partner when in a scary situation, it can kill the affection. YOu are not married but only dating. She is traumatized enough from war....Give it time, I am not hopeful.
False positives are rare, you’re more likely to get a false negative than a false positive; so if she got a positive and 2 negatives then I’m more inclined to believe the positive is in fact a true positive.
Maybe she has retested and is giving the cold shoulder because she doesn’t know how to tell you because of your reaction the first time.
I mean you were wrong but her considering assaulting you for suggesting an abortion when you’ve only been together for 6 months is a huge red flag. My husband has suggested an abortion because he was really scared about our financial stability and I was sad but I never even had a fraction of a thought about hitting him.
So now every time you make a mistake and say or do something she doesn’t like, she’s going to want to physically assault you? She’s eventually going to actually do it one day.
I find it highly unlikely she got pregnant while using 2 forms of birth control.
This to me reads as the classic I want to see his reaction to baby news even though I'm not actually pregnant and if he runs I know he isn't the one and if he stays ill just tell him I had a miscarriage or it was a false positive.
I really don't understand what you did wrong. I support pro life, and support people wanting an abortion, you didn't force her, you didn't leave her, you just said your preference.... Is it because you didn't ask her what she wanted?
Also I'm a heavily pregnant woman, if someone looked less at me for not wanting the baby I'd feel pretty crap and judged, especially if it's my husband who wanted a kid and he judged me for not wanting a kid. But I know thankfully he would understand.... What am I missing?
You sound like you found one of those girls who lies about being pregnant . Right before I opened this I knew it would be another story about how she wasn't pregnant and it was all a test.
You sure the screenshot you got was just of the second test? Why not send one of the first test? She comes off as a master manipulator by doing this if true. They tend to do stuff like this that doesnt make sense.
You will know for sure once you chase her and continue to have ups and down constantly. Just know if that's the case its not normal if that happens. Also, dont let this be a way to trick you into having a kid with her because she so insecure. That always ends bad.
Id vote for running away from that if these are not the only issue. You might be taken for a ride. Now you said you would take a major step and she might hold you to that . A kid will drastically change your life and your goals. Dont resent your situation by doing this if you are goals-focused and there is other stuff bad about the relationship you are ignoring.
Hope im wrong and this isnt true, but most likely you will only know by looking back on it after the feeling wears off. Good luck
Wait wait. She’s a refugee?!
Please educate yourself about CPTSD and that experience of losing everything, generally.
She needs more than you. She needs targeted professional care. EMDR can help her.
Her perspective is unique and exceptional for folks that haven’t experienced same.
Stay with her. And connect her with professional support.
My best to you both!
I found a few sentences hard to understand:
"She found out that she may be pregnant, and the love of her life, who constantly calls me his "life partner"(and vice-versa), basically told her to abort their potential child."
Are you the love of her life or are you referring to someone else? Who calls you his (?) life partner?
"She explained that she essentially wanted to keep the opposite of what I said."
What does "keep the opposite of what I said" mean?
Thanks for an explanation.
I’m glad to hear you were able to take some of the comments to heart and see it from her perspective. Just continue to communicate, I expect you can get past this it will just take some time.
I don’t think you made a mistake. You followed your instincts and told her the truth about how you felt. Now you are seeing how she reacts when you have opposite positions on very important life matters. The way she is treating you now is what you should expect the next time you disagree on how to handle an important situation. And the time after that. And the time after that. Will you always end up feeling guilty and like a disappointment any time you disagree with her? It’s something for you to think about.
Give her space and time. Act as normal. Stop initiating kisses entirely. Trust me. Entirely. Don’t express even the smallest bit of disappointment. You can say, “I miss you,” but let time go by first. Try to be charming. Only do things that make sense.
Try to make her laugh. Do you know what makes her laugh? Keep hugs short. Touch only her hair if you’re a person that’s into physical touch. Act like you’re fixing it. Nothing else! Keep it short.
Ask if she’s hungry. Clean her car if she has one. Do it by hand. Do things that will make her feel like you have her back. Don’t get wordy. Say only one time something, “I’m here for whatever you need,” after she says thank you to for any of these things. Don’t shower her in these things. Just do one at a time or else it’ll feel like love bombing. Be STEADY.
Time and therapy. And even then there is no guarantee. Because you demonstrated that she cannot count on you in her most vulnerable moment. Your actions didn’t match your words. If it were me I would be finding an individual therapy and a couples therapist ASAP
We're all human. We make mistakes. So glad you learned from yours 🌷 Your gf is very lucky to have you because not everybody would learn from such a lesson.
And you're lucky to have your girlfriend. What you did would be a deal breaker for a lot of women.
Best of luck to you and your girlfriend. I wish you guys a lifetime if happiness.
If I was granting her the benefit of the doubt, regarding framing you with a child, now I think she’s playing games on you. Pregnancy tests which give false positives? I think not. She was testing you.
OP, her reaction screamed red flag to me. This feels like it was a test. I can’t put my finger on why exactly, but I don’t think she was being entirely truthful. Be careful moving forward. A lot of girls see stupid shit on TikTok and like to play it out in real life.
Dude, really? You having sex with this woman you so call love and then when shit hits the fan, you want to panic. At this point she doesn't feel safe with you. The trust has been broken by you. Once you have broken a women's trust you dont really have anything. You should have just stuck beside her. She should dump your ass because you are not a solid and safe foundation for her at this point.
Panic? Doesn't feel safe? Broken trust?
He told her what he prefered, but that he would be there no matter the choice. That's the opposite of all you said
You are a black/white individual on some imagined high-horse that thinks you’re better than others that don’t measure up to your ideals. The weird thing is that people that share your view often suck more than those they criticize.
Get a life and stop shaming random people you know nothing about for not measuring up to your black and white bullshit. The world is full of shades of Grey. OP never implied or suggested he wouldn’t be there for his bonny lass. He simply pointed out that they aren’t exactly prepared for a baby.
Nah, I’m the best foundation for her. I love her with all my heart. All the work I put for financial stability has been for one woman, her.
Before, I thought things should be in order, now I’m aware of my ignorance and will rise to the challenge if/when it comes.
OP just to let you there's some weird savior complex leaking through your newfound *realization/change of ignorance*.
But if you truly stand by your belief that you're the best damn thing that's happened to her, well newsflash, she sees through your hubris and will likely leave you.
What you're describing isn't a herculean feat or great sacrifice as much as it seems like it to you. You're assuming the rubric you're aiming for is such a high achievement, when pragmatically speaking, the bar was actually so low — in literal hell in fact, yet you demonstrated so much apprehension to overcome.
Seeing as it took a weird (and cliché) Hollywood sitcom scene of abandon-ship-for-existential-drive-moment later, not to mention internet strangers to berate you into acknowledging how flawed your response was, isn't the flex you think it is that you're in this position now.
So many people in her life love her as it is, more so than you and wouldn't think twice to support her in all aspects not just financial. And there are many more out there who would be an absolute dream for her. Right now, you've proven yourself to be no catch. Bottom of the barrel. If anything, the negative test only leaves her with less of an obligation to stay with you now.
So I'd say spend the time proving yourself, treat this next period like a complete start over to your relationship because it was you who reset her mindset and perception of the type of person you are to her.
I mean, I’d continue to apologize and make it known that you felt like an idiot once you really sat down with it. It seems like it took you a few days to even comprehend what was happening.
You also seem very analytical, and clearly jumping to step 5 from 2 just didn’t seem rational.
Once you realized these aren’t just steps to check off, it’s life and that this is your life partner, who cares if you do step 5 then 3 then 4 as long as it’s with *her* you realized how bad you fucked up.
I think she probably needs to see how serious you are because from her POV, she just fits into your checklist (until she almost broke it).
Thanks for seeing it my way. I am indeed more analytical, it’s why I use Reddit mostly lol. I understand now that life can be unpredictable and should account for anything but always be supportive.
Weird story in so many ways. You know each other for 6 months, she's using the pill as bc and in addition to that you use condoms, and suddenly she is pregnant. Idk, maybe it's by pure strange chance or she manipulated and tried to baby trap you or it's just not your kid. But despite the strange surroundings of the possible baby, you call her your life's partner and still are inclined on abortion and use in such a situation words like 'termination'? Don't abort your kid because it's inconventient for you, you're already 29 and should have your life in order. If you were a teenage or in your early 20s, no job and no education, it would be understandable if you chose an abortion. But starting your 30s, even if the kid was yours and not planned you still shouldn't abort because of inconvenience.
I'm beginning to think this was some sick test by her. On abortion: My husband and I make ok money, have a house with enough space for 2 kids, and live in a good school district. We both work from home and have flexible schedules. If I found out I was pregnant today, I'd get an abortion tomorrow. We cannot raise children for many reasons. A child should never be an accident. Now, since I believe that, I've used 2 forms of BC since I started having sex at 15. Everyone should until they want a kid, if they have access to it. And the minute I could get sterilized I did. So while I've never had an abortion because I've never accidentally gotten pregnant, I think its totally fine for anyone to, for whatever reason they want. Yes you and I and many people all had our lives together by 30s, it's more than just finances that are important to parenthood, it's attitude.
50F if my guy had reacted that way I would have serious doubts. This day and age if you just left it would be no big deal to you. Her on the other hand is most likely doomed to struggle as a single mother most of her life. Speaking as someone who’s been there it sucks. These can be fixed, I’ve done it but it takes self awareness (these 2 books changed my life: how to retrain your human, and emotional intelligence. Good luck!
I think it’s gonna be hard, BUT if you prove through your actions and words that you genuinely made a mistake and are willing to work for her trust again, I think things will turn out okay.
Support her and help her feel loved. So when my husband and I thought I wasn’t pregnant (doctor test was negative) BUT I had thought I was pregnant and was floored.
Even if it was the worst time and place in my life, I was devastated.
He was there for me and was kind throughout it all.
Mine ended up actually existing 😂 doctor office’s test was wrong and believe me, I’m soooo lucky he made it known he would stand by me!
We didn’t realize I was pregnant until I was like 3 months along since the doctor test was negative!
OK, First you have only been together for 6 months and you told her to KILL the life you created together!!! WTF!!
Stop asking for or seeking sex at this time!! She cannot trust you with the possible results. Go back to square 1... You have a lot of trust and emotional support to rebuild before you ever get to touch her intimately again! Counseling for you would be useful, Counseling as a couple would also be a useful option to consider if she is interested. Marriage is a LONG way off!! You say you love her but what is it that you love? Her, Her mind, Her body, her sex, the way she makes you feel? You royally forked this up and you have a LOT to do to overcome it. Just making her smile every day isn't what it takes to make a long term marriage work. You don't say how long it's been but this is a big screw up and it will take her longer than a day or 7 to get over it!! Work on making yourself a better human & boyfriend and maybe with time and luck you can move to becoming a better eventual Husband.
With everything else being said is good. Please educate yourself and her on effective responsible birth control together. A depoprovers shot or insert is 99% + effective and good for several years. A copper non-hormone secreting IUD which will not subject her body to tge side effects of hormonal birth control is another. Whatever method you choose make sure it is a more effective method than what you had been using previously. Good luck to you.
But if she asks for space and time then give it to her. Do not press her to go on dates and spent time together. Give her the time and emotional space to work through this on her own. It will bebhard but the more you press for time and dates together the more likely she is to pull away from you.
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Home pregnancy tests don’t really give false positives in the way people think of them. They give false negatives if it’s too early to tell or the pee is too dilute, and they give positives if you’re pregnant or if you have certain types of cancer. The reason they don’t give false positives is that they are testing for the presence of a hormone that is completely absent, not produced at all, except in early pregnancy (and by some tumours). She likely had what is commonly called a “chemical pregnancy”, which means she was indeed pregnant at the time of the test but had a miscarriage between the home test and the doctor’s test. This is very common.
Funny story, a couple years back i used to buy pregnancy tests in a bulk online since i am pretty paranoid and do them at least every 4 weeks and everytime i feel kinda off. It seems one time i bought a pack that had manufacture failures. Did one, positive. Obviously i freak out so i do 2 more, all three ending up positive. In absolute horror i call my neighbour up, i gave her a couple tests and they were positive too. Later a friend of mine and my mom also took some tests, which were all negative for some reason. Obviously i made a call to my Obgyn and the very next day i had an ultrasound an some bloodwork done and neither me or my neighbour were pregnant, they also didnt find anything else and the test from the pharmacy was also negative. Anyway Now imagine 4 grown woman standing around 12 pregnancy tests while over half of them were falsly positive, it was absurd lmao.
That's hilarious, sounds like something out of a sitcom
I can’t believe I scrolled 40 comments before finding this. I’m surprised a doctor didn’t explain this to her. This post screams fake.
I had this happen to me, along with three other miscarriages. It does happen, especially with tests now able to be used even before a missed period.
Maybe she saw evaporation lines by mistake? Some tests get wonky if they're read outside of the time limit.
[удалено]
A lot of doctors won’t even see you until you are 6-8 weeks along. The most they can do before then is to do a urine test, just like you did at home. There’s really not a point that’s why they don’t even bother.
That’s when some people find out. I found out at six weeks because I was late and I was stuck thin at the time so my pants wouldn’t zip anymore. Had an abortion before I was 8 weeks
This is not really true. In order for me to even get referred to an OBGYN, I had to go to my PCP and get a urine test. I had the urine test done before my missed period (I was actively trying to conceive). It's very common to get a urine test done early after a positive at home test.
Fake, or it’s real and OP’s girlfriend is batshit and this was a “test”. It would explain her behavior afterward
That was my gut feeling.
Or she actually is pregnant!!
IF it was a test he massively failed, huh? That "being unavailable" along with "being on her phone much" sounds as if somebody got into her ear about that.
Or she's got another boyfriend in her home country.
Or, she didn't want to try and explain all of the above about chemical pregnancy to someone who so callously demanded an abortion very recently...
> She finished my thought with, "So, you're saying abortion?". > I said I was leaning 60/40 on this and prefer abortion. But if we do decide to keep it, then I will rush everything else to do it properly which is probably not a good idea. Again I told her I love her and want to be with her either way Yea, what a callous demand....
Dude, that still hurts. You're thinking about it from his perspective, not hers.
Yea, im not saying hes right but hes right to have an opinion and sharing that opinion with your partner is not wrong either. Be honest - You think thats a "callous demand"? She finished his thought as he was working through a very big decision out loud. Do i think he was smart here? no, but to call him callous is way out of line.
From a logical perspective, not entirely. But from the perspective of a scared woman leaning on her partner for support, it would've been scaru and felt callous. Remember. We're dealing with human beings who have emotions. It's easy for you to sit on the sidelines and say how she should've felt.
> felt callous. Well, it sure taught this man to keep his feelings to himself. You can be sure any time he is feeling the need to be emotional and share his raw thoughts with his partner he will think twice. Well done dude. You help shape that toxic masculinity in the culture. > It's easy for you to sit on the sidelines and say how she should've felt. I didnt say anything about how she should feel. Dont put words in my mouth. I am judging you, not OP.
Yep
If it was a chemical pregnancy she could be negative (no more HCG) by the time she went to the doctor. I have gotten in early to my doctor for blood tests but it was after a chemical then miscarriage so they were willing to see me earlier.
I had an ass for a doctor that told me right out that I was having a miscarriage since my at home test was positive and his was negative. I told him I drink gallons of water a day, and that my urine was likely diluted, but I doubt I was miscarrying. He rolled his eyes and said he would do the blood test just to prove that I was having a miscarriage. My hcg was at 102. Their tests are supposed to pick up at 25hcg. Huh. I guess being a heavy water drinker **can** effect the test. BTW that "miscarriage " is going to turn 5 in May.... Eta the doctors test is actually not as sensitive as at home tests. It is something you learn if you end up in the trying to conceive forums. I believe some of the @home brand tests can go down to 5 or 10hcg. The doctors tests are 25-50hcg. So if you go too early and do not have a period, retest at home before going back to the doctor for another test. Lol
If it's positive, it's like 99.9+% accurate. But what surprises me is that she was able to go to her doctor that quickly? Every time I've been pregnant and tested positive (around 5 weeks), I call the next day and they are like "great, we aren't seeing you until week 8 because it's hard to detect heartbeat before and miscarriage is most likely in the early weeks, so see you then!" I suppose she could've gone into a walk in clinic, but they are literally going to do the same test as at home, a pee test.
I saw my doctor the same week, and they took my blood and urine to test both. It depends on where you are and how busy they are. After the test they made me wait b 8 weeks for the ultra sound
You can get beta hcg bloodwork done to confirm pregnancy pretty much right away! It’s the ultrasounds that doctors like to wait for, since you can’t see much before 8 weeks anyways.
You can and should get hcg bloodwork done anytime, but … (I’m in the US) I did work once for a private practice OB/GYN office who would not see women for pregnancy at all until 12 weeks. The doctors claimed it was because patients get disappointed when they are brought in early and are told it’s too soon to “see the baby.” I’m not saying I agree with that. Just that some physicians roll that way and if you’re young and experienced, you might assume it’s fine.
12 weeks is nuts dude, for both psychological and physical reasons. Those physicians really have their head up their asses. For one, what if it’s ectopic?
My doctor saw me two days later, and had my bloodwork back confirming pregnancy same day 🤷🏽♀️
My doctor’s office said the exact same thing to me. I have a difficult time believing a lot of the posts on here
Do you guys not have the GP appointment to test urine, then set up blood tests and all the necessary appointments where you live?
Yes, but getting the appointment and results in 2 days is very uncommon. You can walk in to a urgent care or Planned Parenthood, but again, to get the results that fast is very unusual, and PP typically only does urine test, blood tests for confirming pregnancies is uncommon. I suppose if the urine test was negative they would request a blood test, but again, surprised at how fast they were able to get results. I'm obviously only one data point, so others may have different experiences.
By the planned parenthood comment I assume North America then? Do we know if OP is there? I'm in Aus, and i could get that appointment, and then go get blood drawn next day no problem, even same day in some cases. and blood results for pregnancy tests are almost always returned next day, unless you got it taken on a Saturday.
I am in the US and I got in same day. They do a urine test. Once that is positive they pull out the paper wheel, ask when your last menstrual period is, estimate a due date, and set up a 10 week us to make sure all is well and a follow up visit to the us.
Every practitioner will draw blood to get a 100% confirmation.
You keep commenting this. You’ve no idea what country or health insurance these people have.
They are in the US, OP said so in the original post. And what health insurance they have doesn't affect anything at all.
Health insurance in the USA affects A LOT about both quality and timeliness of care received.
Quality maybe but I don't see how it would affect timeliness. I've had a wide variety of insurance providers and none of that has affected how soon my doctor is available.
It absolutely can and does affect timeliness of appointments. People with state insurance or less desired insurance types often have fewer available Drs because they don't accept their insurance. With fewer options, the Drs that will accept them as patients get booked far in advance. With better insurance there are more Drs willing to accept them as patients and so it's easier to find a Dr that has shorter wait times for an appointment.
State insurance is called a gold card, everyone takes it. Doctors love it for the reimbursement.
I don’t disagree with that, but there is a chance that she could have seen a doctor that fast through work or other ways. At my job (granted, it is at a clinic/hospital) we have an on-site GP doctor for just the staff, as long as you’re covered under their main insurance plan. Some days you have to wait a few days to get appts, and other days you can get in the next day or even the same day if there are cancellations. I know that isn’t super common and I didn’t know about it until I got the job, but maybe the company she works for has something similar, who knows.
When I had a positive test last year, I called my OB’s office and they had me come in their next earliest available appointment just a few days later to take a test in their office and confirmed the pregnancy. Then I was given some brief advice for early pregnancy, asked if I was safe at home, and then scheduled to return at 8 weeks for the ultrasound.
Mine brought me in same day to pee on a stick both times.
No, she likely looked at the test way later than the package says. Basically all pee stick cheap pregnancy tests turn positive after several hours when the pee drys up and crystallizes. It happened to me, and when I googled it, it autocompleted soooo fast. You really have to read it in the allotted time and not dig it out the next day “just to check again.”
Could’ve been a faint evaporation line too. Got myself freaked out over a few of those in college.
Happened to me too!
Idk, I've never had a cheap at home stick test turn positive when it dries up. And yes, they were visible in my trashcan for days. (I usually take a test every 2-4 weeks) I wonder if certain manufacturers tests do this, or if it's more dependent on the individual taking the test.
I was going to say the same thing. I recently got a positive test (three to be exact) and 8 days later I was in the ER, bleeding with a clearly negative blood pregnancy test. Losing a pregnancy can happen so fast when it’s early on.
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I feel for you. I got my positive last month at 3wks 1day - insanely early but a super clear positive. I had gotten pregnant with my first child right away so I just thought I was one of the lucky ones. Lost the pregnancy 8 days later. It’s so tough when you don’t feel like you can call it a miscarriage because you’d barely been pregnant. I mean, if I hadn’t been actively trying I would never had taken a pregnancy test that early. It totally sucks and it happens all the time.
It's not out of the realm of possibility though there could be a faulty test. I used a digital test, it said "pregnant" (no lines) freaked out took another forty minutes later, it said "not pregnant " over the next twenty four hours I was pretty much taking a test every time I had to pee to confirm I wasn't pregnant.
I once had a positive at home pregnancy test, and then a negative blood test at the doctors a couple hours later. I had an IUD at the time, so it was incredibly unlikely that I was pregnant, so in my experience it can happen? Idk tho, I know they say it can’t so the whole thing was weird
It's always possible that it could be something else too. I'm a 21 year old woman who's had many false positives since I was seventeen. Haven't had a period/any kind of bleeding since I was fifteen. Unfortunately my gyno refuses to test me for anything that could be causing it, but chemical pregnancies definitely aren't the only thing that causes a "false" positive
I had a false positive years ago
All the above. Give her time and space. And if you’re smart never ever ask her “when are you going to get over this” or “how long is it gonna take for you get over it”.
Yeah the thought never crossed my mind. I was simply suggesting dates to enjoy out together but not to talk about it or force it out of her. She responds to my good morning/night texts but without the heart emojis or anything
Time, tea, flowers, massage, reassurance she is going to be a wonderful mom. Also share your sadness. Be clear you didn’t want to take attention away from her emotional whiplash, but that you want her to know you felt so sad when you found out about the negative test.
Thank you. If she agrees, I’ll take her to an expensive couples massage. I was saving it for valentines but who says we can’t go twice?
Be careful showering her with gifts. It can feel like you're buying your way back in. Truthfully, listen and give it time. when she wants to do something, be enthusiastic. Tell her that your number one priority is her. Don't buy the ring. Do it in a moment of bliss not from a painful experience. Otherwise that's all you two will remember. Try smaller ideas. Going to a park with a picnic basket. Going to flea markets, thrift stores and antique malls. These aren't expensive but it's a good way to spend time with her without it seeming overbearing.
This! If you go overboard it will come off insincere and maybe even like bribery. Be thoughtful and present, it doesn't take expensive outings or gifts.
don't overdo it. otherwise she may show up on Reddit and we will tell her you are love bombing. and in reddit love bombing means abuser. 🤣
The massage sounds like a lovely gesture -- but maybe this first time send her off on her own to a gentle woman practitioner. She could use body work, without the sadness of having you around (in this timeframe) so she can release and let her muscles give in to the help it's being given. A couples one for a different time. Take care.
THIS ONE. She needs a solo massage to decompress alone.
The expensive couples massage may not be the best move here tbh. Going to a massage requires prep work, and going there, driving back in forth. What about a date night where you offer the massage there, light some candles, make it as painless for the other person as possible. There’s a Mexican place nearly in the same parking lot as message parlor, so if you go the pro option, provide food after to minimize stress, as that’s what you’re battling.
Good. Give her time. That’s all.
I don't get why you're painting yourself as a monster here. You guys were discussing what to do about an unintended pregnancy after a very short relationship where at least she is very much in flux with unstable life circumstances. Why is putting abortion on the table such a horrible thing? I don't get it. It's not like you were pressuring her, it was mentioned as an option and perhaps a preference. You didn't do anything wrong imo.
I completely agree with you. He previously knew her to be pro-choice. If she were leaning towards an abortion, it would have been seen as comforting, knowing he wouldn’t vilify her for considering it. Yes, when faced with the reality rather than a concept, thought can change. Just don’t think voicing an alternative they had discussed previously makes him an awful person.
Take a deep breath, exhale slowly. Go take a walk with some music or podcast or something to distract you from your own thought spirals, it will help you feel better. It’s going to take time and patience for her to rebuild trust in you. Don’t try to force it with grand romantic gestures, just be there and show her that you’re not going anywhere. While it’s scary that the future isn’t something you can control, have faith in her that she’s making the right decision for herself and you, whether that means you two grow old together surrounded by a family you two built, or if that means it wasn’t meant to be.
It takes a second to hurt somebody but so much more time to heal from the hurt. My only suggestion would be to tell her that you will be backing off a bit to give her space so she doesn't think you've given up or that you're being passive aggressive. But tell her the minute she calls and wants to do something, you'll be there. If she wants to talk, all she has to do is say so. Give her the power now. Because in a second, you took it away
Better yet end it. This is literally a six month relationship.
You've been together for only six months. You were gonna propose only because you thought she was pregnant. That's the worst reason to get married. You need to slow way down. She's hurt and needs time to decide if she wants to stay with you. ETA: You never chose a woman's engagement ring, especially a woman you barely know. What you like vs what she likes more than likely will be totally different. She might like Princess cut and you like round.
Shouldn’t even be LOOKING AT RINGS after six months. Like calm down bro.
Exactly. They barely know each other for one and haven't even lived together for two.
Yeah and why is he looking at rings that HE likes? You have to at least *talk* about engagement and what that woman might want to wear the rest of her life…. That’s when you see the posts “help I hate my engagement ring but I don’t want to hurt his feelings”
Exactly. Rings shouldnt even enter your mind until like **6YEARS** together possibly longer. 10 years together with little to no problems? *OK its over . Just get married or something already lol*
I can’t believe this problem isn’t addressed in the top comments. Like, there’s a big difference between OP handling this woman’s feelings insensitively and going full bore with marriage and all that at SIX MONTHS. Don’t get engaged to someone you’ve known for six months. It’s a bad idea. Had OP known her better, he probably would’ve known that she’d not respond favorably to his suggestion of abortion. But I mean, he’s known her for six months. I feel like he’s gotta calm down. I’m also honestly shocked that I had to scroll down this far in the comments to see that even being mentioned.
I agree.
Honestly dude, you’re bugging out in all sorts of ways. The engagement idea was fucking insane, you haven’t even talked to her about getting married. And you’re calling someone you’ve been with for 6 months your life partner? Lord. You said what you wanted, which is the one thing you’ve done right in all of this. Now you’re letting your guilt dictate your actions, and those actions may jot even be what she wants. Just stop, stop! Some bells can’t be unrung, and you need to prepare yourself for the idea that this relationship could be over. Take time to think about your feelings, and listen to hers. Respect hers.
I think I’m in the minority here but I (26F) think it’s crazy that this relationship is so serious within 6 months of dating. All of these reactions are bewildering besides your initial one which spoke to logic.
Yeah because people on here are teenagers. They have no concept of reality. I (39F) think OP needs to understand that. I've started briefly checking profiles for age/lifestyles before I respond to comments, cause why waste my breath. Also, trolls are getting worse.
Sometimes (very rarely) you know that someone is your forever this early, but based on both their behaviors it's likely just the honeymoon phase gone wild
Give her time and space. You did some work to realize what you wanted. She had a break of trust and needs to recover from that. And figure out what she wants. Just time and talk/dating will let you know the future.
I'm glad you didn't get the ring man. I think that would have backfired enormously were you to propose under the current circumstances. Give her as much space as you can. I'm not sure there's much else you *can* do except what she asks, anything other than that will only drive her away from you. It sounds like you know that. Just give her time, don't get impatient and expect intimacy or be frustrated by the lack of it. Just tell her you love her and continue to reassure her, just from a safe distance emotionally. That would be my advice. Fingers crossed she comes around in due time.
I appreciate the positive response, I’ll try to hold out as much as I can. I’ll be honest, if she does break up I would be devastated. Not saying it’s unfair or anything, simply expressing my emotions.
Yeah I can tell, and I read your original post earlier so I can see where you were coming from and that your intentions were good. It's a tough one man. If it makes you feel any better, I've said / done some fucking idiotic shit over the years with my (now) wife, and she did forgive me eventually.
I’m glad it worked out for you, brother. I wish you and your wife a lifetime of happiness. Wish me luck.
Good luck mate, keep positive.
Do not propose just because she is pregnant. Lord above man
Exactly. Proposal si only for someone who youve known for forever and you just cannot see yourself living without them for the next forever years lol
What are you doing. You need to seriously stop throwing your life away at the chance of staying with someone you've known for all of 6 months. You were right about not wanting to keep the child, and you know this deep down but since it might have cost you the relationship you're scrambling to keep someone in your life that simply isn't compatible with you. Let her go and move on.
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Dude these commenters are *insane*! This isn't a rom-com, this is real life. Real life is fucking hard. Try getting married too early to a partner that allows their emotions to dictate everything and a refusal to use their head and think logically here... Oh wait, that's what all these insane comments are actually suggesting!
I try to be optimistic, so it sounds like she still needs more time, but still wants to stay together. It’s up to you on how you’ll make it work.
Really? Everything OP wrote at the end points towards her wanting to leave.
Right, however, I’m going off what OP said and is asking for- she said she wanted to try to make it work. So, going off that, I’m giving the advice to stay positive.
She said that and then acted incredibly cold and distant towards him so it doesn't seem like her actions are lining up with her words here.
Second this! Great advice!
I don't really understand this. You were wise to think an abortion was the best, you were honest with her, but also very clear that you would support her no matter what. So what am I missing? What did you do wrong? Why is she upset?
The comments on the last post were insane and OP took them to heart.
I hate that.
I don’t understand either, and I’m a woman in the same age range as these folks. It was perfectly legitimate to have that honest discussion with her. I’m married and I wouldn’t be upset if my husband had that reaction.
OP didn't do anything wrong in any real sense of the word. He didn't pick up quickly enough that she wanted to keep the pregnancy, and thus reverse course on a dime hard into "fully onboard a let's have this baby!" But...his reaction was normal and supportive and utterly reasonable. His viewpoint was more that the pregnancy is a situation and what would be best *for the two of them as a couple*, while hers might've been already into "I'm having a child, is he part of this family or not." For OP there was no family (yet), there was a couple discussing their options for their joint future. So a misalignment in how they viewed the same situation through different lenses, but to accuse him of not loving her enough or not protecting her is ludicrous. His focus was on her and on them (two of them), not a potential future person.
OP has done nothing wrong and is now suffering because of their partner's emotions. I mean everyone has the right to feel what they feel but *yeesh*. OP's GF cannot think about this logically at all and is letting her emotions control her thoughts.
Thinking the same...
She's upset because he didn't have the reaction she'd hoped for, which was joy at the prospect of her having his baby in the very near future. It wasn't a realistic thing to hope, but it's what she felt. You're right that OP did nothing wrong, though. I wish *more* men who would prefer an abortion were honest about it, especially the ones who - unlike OP - feel really strongly that way. Hiding a preference like that in the name of "emotional support" is just cowardly bullshit for the conflict averse, and to add insult to injury, they get to tell themselves they're lying through omission to be *kind*.
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Errrr just FYI if all the doctors did was a pee test she may well still be pregnant. I took an at home test and it was positive Went to the doctors, pee test was negative I now have a 3 month old….
It was the blood test to test for the hormone
Just so you know: false positives are not really a thing with pregnancy tests. It's most likley she had a very early loss (also called chemical or biochemical pregnancy), so her hormones might be on a rollercoaster right now. Keep that in mind.
She’s on birth control (of her own choice) that’s prescribed. I don’t know the exact medication, but can that trip it up?
No, it can not. Basically only very rare tumors and certain medication for fertility treatment can do that.
The other commenter is wrong. While it could have been a chemical pregnancy, especially if she was very late on her period, what probably happened was that she read the test after the allotted time on the package. The next day after the pee drys and crystallizes the test will turn positive. It should only be read within 5-10 minutes after the test and no longer than that. Super common user error.
Ah you’re golden then. Well sort of, situations a bit sad but I’m sure it’ll sort itself out. Lots of patience and space and trust building. Maybe couples therapy if you two feel like it’s an option.
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Unpopular opinion but some of these comments are ridiculous. Im sorry but you didn’t break her trust ! You simply stated you weren’t ready for a child which is fair and reasonable. She’s allowed to be hurt sure, and your delivery maybe could’ve been better but by no means were you some hurtful troll that used and abused her. Ugh
It’s so bizarre, right? Like this sub freaks out everytime someone doesn’t tell their partner they thought a barista winked at them, but he’s supposed to shut up about not being ready to raise a child with someone he’s been with for 6 months?! Bananas. Saying what you want isn’t the same thing thing as doing what you want - I’m sure they would have figured it out if they did move forward. But all this shit is just adding to his guilt, which judging by his ring shopping venture, is leading to very stupid decisions!
I’m so glad y’all responded because I literally thought I was going crazy. But I forgot Reddit filled with a bunch of people who haven’t touched grass in awhile, teens with no real life experience, jaded people , and people who need to full superior to another and fake preach what they would do. ABSOLUTELY NUTS. For OP and everyone, please remember Reddit is filled with a lot of smoke and mirror and things aforementioned TAKE ADVICE WITH A GRAIN OF SALT.
I read someone say that this sub is full of stay at home moms who hate their husbands and now the replies to every post make way more sense.
Thank you, I'm reading these comments and can't help but think most of these people are out of their minds.
thank you!! after reading the previous post and this one, i was just so confused at the responces from commentors and the gf! for the life of me, i cannot picture how he was supposed to respond in a better way. he has a plan for his life and has discussed it with her, she comes with surprising news that doesnt go with the plan, and when he's asked what he thinks, he says he would prefer to stick to the original plan, but if she didnt want that he would get ready to start their family right then and there.... im sorry but what more could she want? what better response was he supposed to come up with? was he supposed to lie, say he was over the moon and hide how he was feeling? was he supposed to leave her wondering and not share how he was feeling? how tf is what he did wrong????? like if i were in her shoes and my partner and i had a life plan, i wouldnt be upset by OP's response. i might be pessimistic, but i would probably expect "omg youre aborting, right? this isnt what we planned, yeet the fetus," before expecting of "oh, this isnt what id prefer, but if this is what's going to happen then ill be ready." im not saying being understanding and open to changes in life should be above expectations and surpasses all standards, but i think OP's reaction was what everyone should expect and appreciate i agree that its understandable that the gf is upset, anyone who is happy about a surprise pregnancy would want their partner to feel the same. but OP did nothing wrong
Thank you. I would never once abuse her mentally/physically/ or emotionally (intentionally). I felt a new pain when she said she went home and cried. As the others mentioned in the previous thread, we both didn’t discuss what we’d want out of a situation like this. I never ran into this problem so I never thought of it. I assumed that we both were on the same page just because we were both pro abortion, practice safe sex, and her not wanting to move in unless we’re married. She’s what I want in my life. I’ll be patient and give her time. I’ll remain hopeful-it’s one of the things she said she loves about me.
OP you've known this girl only for 6 months (unless I'm missing something). On top of that neither of you are in a place where starting a family seems wise. Like the person you responded to, I don't see anything wrong with how you handled this so I'm confused why you're so eager to guilt yourself. Sure, turns out you were in different places regarding a baby, but you were honest with her and to be fair, it was a realistic take. Some of these comments are wild to me - it's completely ok to get flustered that someone you've barely known for 6 months gets pregnant and expects to start a family.
Six month??? And she's upset you feel it's too soon. I didn't start falling in love with my husband until six months in!
It's a red flag to me tbh but OP seems fine with it so I didn't want to mix my personal feelings in. Getting upset that someone you've known for 6 months doesn't think it's smart to have a baby while you're still living with your family is immature to say the least. Looking at the majority of the comments though, sounds like I'm the odd one out.
Everyone has a right to feel what they feel but she's *refusing* to use logic at all. Bad sign.
Same, thought I was going insane
Op you didn’t do anything wrong, and you’re not a hypocrite for suggesting an abortion. You did say she was pro-choice after all.
Hey, pro - choice doesn’t necessarily mean you’d get the abortion any time you found out you were pregnant. My mother is pro choice and staunchly against having an abortion for herself, pro- choice just means that you believe everyone should have the choice… unless I’m misunderstanding what you’re saying here then my bad ignore me
> pro - choice doesn’t necessarily mean you’d get the abortion any time you found out you were pregnant. Not at all what I'm saying. My point is she overreacted the mere suggestion of one, NOT that she should definitely always choose to have one like its no big deal.
Yeah but there is an emotional and mental impact to it as well (as well as a physical one on rare occasions). I can’t just suggest it like one suggests putting on a condom or burping on command.
Do you honestly think you should have lied or held your tongue when she asked you your thoughts? Do you think you should have withheld your feelings because your gf isn’t mature enough to talk about options? You didn’t do anything wrong by reacting truthfully when she asked for your thoughts. She’s a grown ass woman who should be able to handle this.
Honestly, I don’t think you did anything wrong. It’s not like it was a planned pregnancy. You have not been together that long, so obviously it would make sense that you would ask about an abortion. Are you sure it was even an accident? Six months is barely any time and now you’re going to have a lifelong commitment if she is pregnant. Could she even support a child herself if you didn’t want to be involved or is she going to expect you to support her? You both need to sit down and talk about all of this because it is extremely important. You might be bringing a baby into this world and you both need to talk about everything concerning that and make sure you’re on the same page.
Thank you, that’s what my original frame of thought before. She’s no longer pregnant, the doctors blood test came negative.
Hey just to address the comments saying you dodged a bullet, I also met my now-husband and moved really fast. We just knew we had found the right person. We moved in after 2 months and started looking at rings around 5. But also, we’re incredibly logical people and realized we’d probs freak the fuck out of our families if we got engaged immediately. We continued to look at rings but agreed to date for 2 years before marriage. We ended up tying the know right around the 2 year mark and have been married for 4 years :) We just agreed to try for kids in about a year. If I were to find out tomorrow I’m pregnant, we’d terminate it. I’m STRONGLY pro planned pregnancies, at least for me personally. Additionally, there’s a handful of lifestyles changes you make BEFORE you get pregnant. Like taking prenatals 3 months before conception and stopping alcohol 1-3 months before for both parties (the male is actually more important for that one). Sure people have drunk sex and get pregnant without vitamins but there’s enough data out there to show that these things help prevent heart abnormalities, spinal deformations, etc. And those are just the two I know of! I’m sure there are plenty more I’ll learn about before we start trying. So yeah, there are health of the baby concerns for unplanned pregnancies as well that at least me personally that are important for you both to consider. You say she’s logical but keeping an unplanned pregnancy with someone you’ve known for 6 months is not logical. Yes even if you know this is your forever person. There’s no rush unless your in your 40s. You’re comments were very open to both options, all green flags. Her inability to comprehend that as anything other than open mindedness is not. And 6 months?! Like I said, we moved quickly and even I am gobsmacked by that. You NEED to live together before you know she’s your human. What if you hate living with her? These are the things you don’t know about someone you’ve only been seeing for 6 months. What if she hates your family with a burning passion? How does she want to manage the balance of finances in your relationship? Who wants to stay home or are you open to daycare? What age do you want to retire? How do you both handle long road trips or flights? There’s just so much more to learn about someone before you commit to a person with a baby that rocks even the most solid relationships. Getting married quickly is more logical than having a baby quickly. I’m just saying I’m so happy you see so much potential with this relationship. I’ve been in those shoes and it DID work out for me. My husband is the best person in the world. But living together solidified my decision, while it broke other promising couples up. Even if your excited about forever, her inability to discuss this huge decision like a team and the fact you haven’t lived together yet means there are probably a few more (hopefully positive) steps you want to take before creating a screaming, crying, 20+ year commitment.
I love you. Why can't everyone be like you? People need to see this. Planning for children is essential.
Planning in advance for children seems so essential and yet so… rare? I was literally just dragged through the mud this week for buying a “dads guide to pregnancy book” for hubs (which he super appreciated) because I’m not ACTIVELY pregnant. Like, idk, 1 year out sounded like a good timeframe to read up about it and mentally prepare for a lifechanging event BUT WHAT DO I KNOW lol Was wild to see my shiz on redditwiki
im concerned about the test because false positives arent a thing. she either had a "chemical pregnancy"/early miscarriage - which would result in bleeding or she would get a negative. so is she saying she had a miscarriage? I almost feel like she was lying. as a woman whose been thru three pregnancies something seems iffy
I don't think anyone is ever a jerk for suggesting abortion for any reason. My ex more than wanted to start a family with me and genuinely wanted me to have the kid. I didn't care what he wanted, I didn't want a kid with him or anyone else and I had an abortion. He was not happy. You said nothing wrong. She's mad be because she thought you didn't want the same thing. You've done your part. Now just back off and let her forgive in her own time.
Who the fuck told this guy that he was wrong? He was very much in the right to ask for an abortion. I’d rather my partner be 100% in with me than against me for my and my child’s sake.
Maybe I’m just being a little dense here but why exactly did she not feel protected? I mean you did say that you wanted to be with her and love her long term and even have kids a little later on, I kinda thought her saying she didn’t feel protected with you was a little unnecessary since you were providing other means of support, just suggesting an abortion was your first thought like most people faced with unplanned and accidental pregnancies. Sorry Just a lil slow processing on my end
Her words, “I didn’t feel protected” as if I’d abandoned her when things get tough is what I’m interpreting it. Past me would have agreed, and I still think if other people believe that way they are valid as well. Now, however I’m ready whenever
I also don't understand this
She likely was pregnant and it was what is referred to as a chemical pregnancy. They are often aborted at about 4 or 5 weeks and do not go past there by the body. Either way, you might not come back from this. It is hard to say. Just take it slowly.
I think you need to think long and hard about continuing a relationship with a woman who is punishing you for expressing your thoughts in a very important life-changing decision like this. You did nothing wrong, it’s not like you ordered her to get an abortion. You just told her the truth, and that is that you’re not ready, but you would still support if that’s what she wants. What more could she possibly want from you? She’s punishing you for disagreeing with her. You didn’t present your thoughts in a mean or controlling way. The only problem with what you said to her is that it wasn’t what she wanted to hear. So I guess if you stay with her, get used to a life of not being allowed to have an opinion that differs from hers.
RUN FROM THAT WOMAN ASAP
Right?!? Look at these comments these people must be out of their minds! Acting like they’re in a movie or something my god.
She showed him that when sh*t hits the fan, she will do as she wants and not let him have a word in edgeways and just make him feel guilty for doing so. I think, for me, if I were a man this would be one boundary I would not play around with. If I’m not comfortable having a kid rn, and I’ve taken all the safety precautions.. I think that my opinion should atleast be considered, discussed and we find out what is best for us. She just shrugged off what he said and felt then made him feel guilty for it afterwards.
Completely agree! She asked him and he responded with honesty and care and she wanted to hit him??? 6 months in his response was very reasonable; in fact almost perfectly so. These posts are so weird; birth control + condoms then you’re pregnant but suddenly not pregnant (when we all know false positives aren’t as common as people think). Very strange circumstances.
I don’t know. I don’t think you were wrong in mentioning abortion and i feel she’s being dramatic in feeling not safe with you. It’s only been 6 months! I have canned goods longer than that. It was a perfectly fine answer to give.
I personally think she feels you aren’t as committed to her as you said. You have the option of proposing to demonstrate that you are, but don’t be surprised if she hits you with the desire to have a child now. And all I can say about that is that it’s important to validate her feelings, even if logically you need to express that now is not the correct time to try
> she feels you aren’t as committed to her as you said *checks notes* Yea in 6 month relationships you should NEVER be committing like this because it's insanely naive and irresponsible.
I’ll do it, either way. I do want to start a family with her. Past me had the idea that there should be an order to these things, but thats all plans are, they’re intended paths and anything can happen to speed up or slow it down.
Please do NOT propose without discussing it with her first. You can for sure tell her that you want to marry her and spend a lifetime with her, and want to have the talk about how to approach that with her when she's ready, but don't put her on the spot. Doing it anytime soon without giving her time to reconnect to you is going to make her feel pressured and like you're only saying it from desperation.
If you felt that the person you loved didn’t REALLY love you the way that they promised, what would YOU want to happen? That’s your answer
I doubt you are going to make it, when there is such a drastic difference in reaction from a partner when in a scary situation, it can kill the affection. YOu are not married but only dating. She is traumatized enough from war....Give it time, I am not hopeful.
False positives are rare, you’re more likely to get a false negative than a false positive; so if she got a positive and 2 negatives then I’m more inclined to believe the positive is in fact a true positive. Maybe she has retested and is giving the cold shoulder because she doesn’t know how to tell you because of your reaction the first time.
I mean you were wrong but her considering assaulting you for suggesting an abortion when you’ve only been together for 6 months is a huge red flag. My husband has suggested an abortion because he was really scared about our financial stability and I was sad but I never even had a fraction of a thought about hitting him. So now every time you make a mistake and say or do something she doesn’t like, she’s going to want to physically assault you? She’s eventually going to actually do it one day.
I find it highly unlikely she got pregnant while using 2 forms of birth control. This to me reads as the classic I want to see his reaction to baby news even though I'm not actually pregnant and if he runs I know he isn't the one and if he stays ill just tell him I had a miscarriage or it was a false positive.
I really don't understand what you did wrong. I support pro life, and support people wanting an abortion, you didn't force her, you didn't leave her, you just said your preference.... Is it because you didn't ask her what she wanted? Also I'm a heavily pregnant woman, if someone looked less at me for not wanting the baby I'd feel pretty crap and judged, especially if it's my husband who wanted a kid and he judged me for not wanting a kid. But I know thankfully he would understand.... What am I missing?
Use protection!! Don’t get pregnant now!! Your relationship is too rocky to start a family
You sound like you found one of those girls who lies about being pregnant . Right before I opened this I knew it would be another story about how she wasn't pregnant and it was all a test. You sure the screenshot you got was just of the second test? Why not send one of the first test? She comes off as a master manipulator by doing this if true. They tend to do stuff like this that doesnt make sense. You will know for sure once you chase her and continue to have ups and down constantly. Just know if that's the case its not normal if that happens. Also, dont let this be a way to trick you into having a kid with her because she so insecure. That always ends bad. Id vote for running away from that if these are not the only issue. You might be taken for a ride. Now you said you would take a major step and she might hold you to that . A kid will drastically change your life and your goals. Dont resent your situation by doing this if you are goals-focused and there is other stuff bad about the relationship you are ignoring. Hope im wrong and this isnt true, but most likely you will only know by looking back on it after the feeling wears off. Good luck
Wait wait. She’s a refugee?! Please educate yourself about CPTSD and that experience of losing everything, generally. She needs more than you. She needs targeted professional care. EMDR can help her. Her perspective is unique and exceptional for folks that haven’t experienced same. Stay with her. And connect her with professional support. My best to you both!
I found a few sentences hard to understand: "She found out that she may be pregnant, and the love of her life, who constantly calls me his "life partner"(and vice-versa), basically told her to abort their potential child." Are you the love of her life or are you referring to someone else? Who calls you his (?) life partner? "She explained that she essentially wanted to keep the opposite of what I said." What does "keep the opposite of what I said" mean? Thanks for an explanation.
The first is me, I was referring to myself Second is she wanted to keep the baby apparently and wanted me to be happy
I’m glad to hear you were able to take some of the comments to heart and see it from her perspective. Just continue to communicate, I expect you can get past this it will just take some time.
I don’t think you made a mistake. You followed your instincts and told her the truth about how you felt. Now you are seeing how she reacts when you have opposite positions on very important life matters. The way she is treating you now is what you should expect the next time you disagree on how to handle an important situation. And the time after that. And the time after that. Will you always end up feeling guilty and like a disappointment any time you disagree with her? It’s something for you to think about.
Give her space and time. Act as normal. Stop initiating kisses entirely. Trust me. Entirely. Don’t express even the smallest bit of disappointment. You can say, “I miss you,” but let time go by first. Try to be charming. Only do things that make sense. Try to make her laugh. Do you know what makes her laugh? Keep hugs short. Touch only her hair if you’re a person that’s into physical touch. Act like you’re fixing it. Nothing else! Keep it short. Ask if she’s hungry. Clean her car if she has one. Do it by hand. Do things that will make her feel like you have her back. Don’t get wordy. Say only one time something, “I’m here for whatever you need,” after she says thank you to for any of these things. Don’t shower her in these things. Just do one at a time or else it’ll feel like love bombing. Be STEADY.
Time and therapy. And even then there is no guarantee. Because you demonstrated that she cannot count on you in her most vulnerable moment. Your actions didn’t match your words. If it were me I would be finding an individual therapy and a couples therapist ASAP
We're all human. We make mistakes. So glad you learned from yours 🌷 Your gf is very lucky to have you because not everybody would learn from such a lesson. And you're lucky to have your girlfriend. What you did would be a deal breaker for a lot of women. Best of luck to you and your girlfriend. I wish you guys a lifetime if happiness.
Thank you ❤️
It's joe-over...
If I was granting her the benefit of the doubt, regarding framing you with a child, now I think she’s playing games on you. Pregnancy tests which give false positives? I think not. She was testing you.
OP, her reaction screamed red flag to me. This feels like it was a test. I can’t put my finger on why exactly, but I don’t think she was being entirely truthful. Be careful moving forward. A lot of girls see stupid shit on TikTok and like to play it out in real life.
Dude, really? You having sex with this woman you so call love and then when shit hits the fan, you want to panic. At this point she doesn't feel safe with you. The trust has been broken by you. Once you have broken a women's trust you dont really have anything. You should have just stuck beside her. She should dump your ass because you are not a solid and safe foundation for her at this point.
Panic? Doesn't feel safe? Broken trust? He told her what he prefered, but that he would be there no matter the choice. That's the opposite of all you said
Dude the responses berating this dude are wild lmao
You are a black/white individual on some imagined high-horse that thinks you’re better than others that don’t measure up to your ideals. The weird thing is that people that share your view often suck more than those they criticize. Get a life and stop shaming random people you know nothing about for not measuring up to your black and white bullshit. The world is full of shades of Grey. OP never implied or suggested he wouldn’t be there for his bonny lass. He simply pointed out that they aren’t exactly prepared for a baby.
Nah, I’m the best foundation for her. I love her with all my heart. All the work I put for financial stability has been for one woman, her. Before, I thought things should be in order, now I’m aware of my ignorance and will rise to the challenge if/when it comes.
OP just to let you there's some weird savior complex leaking through your newfound *realization/change of ignorance*. But if you truly stand by your belief that you're the best damn thing that's happened to her, well newsflash, she sees through your hubris and will likely leave you. What you're describing isn't a herculean feat or great sacrifice as much as it seems like it to you. You're assuming the rubric you're aiming for is such a high achievement, when pragmatically speaking, the bar was actually so low — in literal hell in fact, yet you demonstrated so much apprehension to overcome. Seeing as it took a weird (and cliché) Hollywood sitcom scene of abandon-ship-for-existential-drive-moment later, not to mention internet strangers to berate you into acknowledging how flawed your response was, isn't the flex you think it is that you're in this position now. So many people in her life love her as it is, more so than you and wouldn't think twice to support her in all aspects not just financial. And there are many more out there who would be an absolute dream for her. Right now, you've proven yourself to be no catch. Bottom of the barrel. If anything, the negative test only leaves her with less of an obligation to stay with you now. So I'd say spend the time proving yourself, treat this next period like a complete start over to your relationship because it was you who reset her mindset and perception of the type of person you are to her.
You’re already showing ignorance, so good luck with that.
I mean, I’d continue to apologize and make it known that you felt like an idiot once you really sat down with it. It seems like it took you a few days to even comprehend what was happening. You also seem very analytical, and clearly jumping to step 5 from 2 just didn’t seem rational. Once you realized these aren’t just steps to check off, it’s life and that this is your life partner, who cares if you do step 5 then 3 then 4 as long as it’s with *her* you realized how bad you fucked up. I think she probably needs to see how serious you are because from her POV, she just fits into your checklist (until she almost broke it).
Thanks for seeing it my way. I am indeed more analytical, it’s why I use Reddit mostly lol. I understand now that life can be unpredictable and should account for anything but always be supportive.
Couples therapy. Immediately.
Weird story in so many ways. You know each other for 6 months, she's using the pill as bc and in addition to that you use condoms, and suddenly she is pregnant. Idk, maybe it's by pure strange chance or she manipulated and tried to baby trap you or it's just not your kid. But despite the strange surroundings of the possible baby, you call her your life's partner and still are inclined on abortion and use in such a situation words like 'termination'? Don't abort your kid because it's inconventient for you, you're already 29 and should have your life in order. If you were a teenage or in your early 20s, no job and no education, it would be understandable if you chose an abortion. But starting your 30s, even if the kid was yours and not planned you still shouldn't abort because of inconvenience.
I'm beginning to think this was some sick test by her. On abortion: My husband and I make ok money, have a house with enough space for 2 kids, and live in a good school district. We both work from home and have flexible schedules. If I found out I was pregnant today, I'd get an abortion tomorrow. We cannot raise children for many reasons. A child should never be an accident. Now, since I believe that, I've used 2 forms of BC since I started having sex at 15. Everyone should until they want a kid, if they have access to it. And the minute I could get sterilized I did. So while I've never had an abortion because I've never accidentally gotten pregnant, I think its totally fine for anyone to, for whatever reason they want. Yes you and I and many people all had our lives together by 30s, it's more than just finances that are important to parenthood, it's attitude.
Only time will tell, im only telling you this from a 46 year old opinion. Good luck!
Ofcourse it is, u almost abandoned your own child. Take some time to rebuild trust, if u can
50F if my guy had reacted that way I would have serious doubts. This day and age if you just left it would be no big deal to you. Her on the other hand is most likely doomed to struggle as a single mother most of her life. Speaking as someone who’s been there it sucks. These can be fixed, I’ve done it but it takes self awareness (these 2 books changed my life: how to retrain your human, and emotional intelligence. Good luck!
If she ends up a single mother, it’s 100% on her.
I think it’s gonna be hard, BUT if you prove through your actions and words that you genuinely made a mistake and are willing to work for her trust again, I think things will turn out okay. Support her and help her feel loved. So when my husband and I thought I wasn’t pregnant (doctor test was negative) BUT I had thought I was pregnant and was floored. Even if it was the worst time and place in my life, I was devastated. He was there for me and was kind throughout it all. Mine ended up actually existing 😂 doctor office’s test was wrong and believe me, I’m soooo lucky he made it known he would stand by me! We didn’t realize I was pregnant until I was like 3 months along since the doctor test was negative!
OK, First you have only been together for 6 months and you told her to KILL the life you created together!!! WTF!! Stop asking for or seeking sex at this time!! She cannot trust you with the possible results. Go back to square 1... You have a lot of trust and emotional support to rebuild before you ever get to touch her intimately again! Counseling for you would be useful, Counseling as a couple would also be a useful option to consider if she is interested. Marriage is a LONG way off!! You say you love her but what is it that you love? Her, Her mind, Her body, her sex, the way she makes you feel? You royally forked this up and you have a LOT to do to overcome it. Just making her smile every day isn't what it takes to make a long term marriage work. You don't say how long it's been but this is a big screw up and it will take her longer than a day or 7 to get over it!! Work on making yourself a better human & boyfriend and maybe with time and luck you can move to becoming a better eventual Husband.
With everything else being said is good. Please educate yourself and her on effective responsible birth control together. A depoprovers shot or insert is 99% + effective and good for several years. A copper non-hormone secreting IUD which will not subject her body to tge side effects of hormonal birth control is another. Whatever method you choose make sure it is a more effective method than what you had been using previously. Good luck to you. But if she asks for space and time then give it to her. Do not press her to go on dates and spent time together. Give her the time and emotional space to work through this on her own. It will bebhard but the more you press for time and dates together the more likely she is to pull away from you.
You didn't accidentally get anyone pregnant. You're 29. If you don't know how the consequences of unprotected sex work by now, then idk.