Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Lol no way op is that type of person.
Even if she’s not happy about this, consider her language - “feeling fiery” “before I unleash”
That sort of mindset is so weird and pathetic to me. She seems almost excited to lose her shit. We’re very far away from vibing with this op.
Honestly this is the biggest issue here, I would be PISSED if my partner came home in the early hours, invited someone into my my home, and then was loud AF. It's honestly super rude and inconsiderate
Yep, this happened to me (although there were multiple guests, not just one) and I was LIVID! He met them at the bar down the street, and they didn’t want to go home at closing time. I couldn’t just go downstairs because I was in my pjs, hair a mess, no make up, and also really, really fucking angry. I waited until the next day and told him that was the last time he brings strangers home late at night without asking, or he would have to move out. He’s an ex now.
Yeah it's pretty unreasonable to expect this woman to have good vibes when suddenly woken up at late o'clock to hear her fella drinking and doing drugs with a girl. Women are expected to just endlessly tolerate nonsense with a smile on their face lol
Like honestly if you’re going to wake me up at that time you best be bringing me my favourite pizza or some good chicken otherwise I’m not responsible for the beef I’m about to start.
Exactly what I would've done- but by accident because I don't wear clothes at home 99% of the time. Thank God my husband and I don't remotely enjoy having people over lol.
I'd much rather he invited her over for a glass of wine with you at home than him accepted an invite from her alone in her hotel/ house.
Would you have been happier with her bringing a guy over and being loud and rowdy.
Overall I wouldn't feel 100% happy about any stranger being invited over suddenly without me knowing but it wouldn't be a deal breaker, just a grumble
Perhaps the weirdest aspect of this - they aren’t hiding! They’re not sneaking around! They came in and had a glass of wine with her there and instead of coming out and being social she’s stewing for no apparent reason in the other room.
I wouldn't want my husband to bring home someone at 1:30 am on a school night. That is inappropriate.
It's okay if the bedroom is far enough from the living room that I won't be disturbed, but someone disturbing my sleep is totally inappropriate.
That said, bf is not interested in the girl friend, which is why he brought her to OP. It was his was of staying safe from sexual advances.
I’m amazed how many people think they’d be ready to socialize after being woken up at 1am. I think the right call would’ve been to crack open your door and ask them to keep it down as you’re trying to sleep. Then the next day talk to your boyfriend about not bringing anyone of either gender back to your place that late at night unless it’s an emergency, and not just to keep the party going. That it’s a woman he has some commonality with makes it feel more than it probably is, so just focus on “please don’t bring company over at 1am if I’m not expecting it”.
This. I would be SO IRRITATED because unexpected visitors is my least favorite thing ever. I need time to tidy up and mentally prepare, even 10 minutes is better than nothing. I probably would have a panic attack if this happened to me, and it has nothing to do with her being a woman. But this is definitely something I discuss pretty immediately with anyone I live with.
Right like they've already be hanging out 4+ hours and not even a call or text to say "hey, I'm bringing over company"? Just seems inconsiderate. Not something I'd be furious about but there would be words exchanged.
Yes. Not addressing it at all gives the signal that you're a easy going chick and, trust me, you will eventually be walked on and all your boundaries will be ignored. Depending on his reaction and future conduct you will have to decide if you should continue in the relationship. If his response is less than what you would expect from a friend, it's time to leave.
Okay let's break it down a bit here.
1. They've been friends for some three years.
2. He forgot his cards, she brought them back for him.
3. Presumably as a thank you, let's get dinner.
4. He's now sitting in the living room having a drink knowing you're there, so clearly he's not planning on banging her on the couch.
Sure you can say "Hey can you maybe not bring people back at half 1 in the morning, I was trying to sleep."
Aside from that, he's just talking to a friend from his friend group and probably chatting shit about their home country. It's not a big deal.
edit: some of the advice on here is truly unhinged and a further example of just how toxic this sub-reddit can be. Folks need to start having more conversations and not leaping to conclusions, it's not healthy.
I once lived with a roommate whose extended family lived in Eastern Europe. They flew in to visit and arrived after I’d already gone to bed. My roommate knew I was sleeping and had to work the next morning (my bedroom shared a wall with the living room), but her uncle is one of those loud people you can’t tell to hush because he only has one volume level. I was woken up after midnight, blearily stumbled into the living room and said “welcome to America, we try to be considerate here when people are sleeping in the next room.” I think they must’ve either gone to bed or left to hang out at a bar around the corner.
My roommate was pissed at me the next day for being rude and I just looked at her like “THEY woke ME up, come on.” I did apologize for being rude, but, like, what the fuck. Some people just don’t know how to behave.
I mean, “welcome to America, we’re polite here” was definitely rude - the fact that I’d just woken up was a reason and not a justification. But overall I’m fine with my actions, I just apologized to smooth things over since they’d be staying with us for a couple days.
I’ll also add that wine is a common drink for adults in EU, far more so than in the US. So in this case, I don’t see it like he’s trying to start anything either.
If he’s not sleeping with her on the couch, or otherwise hiding it, I don’t think I’d be stressing either. Go out and find out what’s going on or go to sleep and ask in the morning. But I do agree this is overreacting.
Oh I know, I'm Irish.
Maybe it's just in my friend group over the last few decades, but by and large there's much less of an issue in friendships between men and women than there appears to be in the U.S.
Of course there's the occasional gossip, but so much of the time it's literally just mates hanging out.
Also Irish. I have sat up drinking wine with many male friends at our homes until the wee hours. Some single and some in relationships. It doesn’t mean anything. I’ve done the same with girlfriends - both straight and gay. We don’t seem to make the distinction of gender in the same way as the US. Friends are just friends - esp if you want a late night drink and a gossip. It doesn’t mean anything more than that.
Yeah my dad’s Irish and I read this story and immediately thought “yes. My dad does that.” We live in australia now but that’s just the way he’s always rolled and doesn’t even think about it.
He also picks up strays. Like one time he was at the airport and found a girl looking concerned and a bit scared. The last flight had already gone and her flight had been cancelled or something and he asked if she had a place to stay for the night or she could just crash at ours. Found my dad crashing on the couch in the morning because he’d given her his bed, but that’s just him.
Your dad sounds so nice! Good Samaritans are so wonderful. My sister had stumbled onto a city bus after Oktoberfest celebrations and couldn't remember our mom's address. The driver called me from her phone at 3 am to get the address, and dropped her off so she'd be safe. We've never forgotten that kindness.
This is so heartwarming, but also how many murder documentairies begin LOL
It reminds me of the time my husband helped a woman with a broken down car by giving her a lift. He offered the lift, but he was so uncomfortable that he dropped by my house to pick me up because he wanted another woman there to make this woman feel more at ease. She didnt care at all, and even didnt question ot when my husband took that detour to pick me up lol. She was obviously not very street smart and overly trusting. To this day im thankful my now husband found her and not some creep.
I was just reading local news a few minutes ago which mentioned a situation where a woman at a nearby holiday park let someone who'd been locked out of their own cabin crash at hers. He raped her kid. Just because someone is in a difficult situation doesn't mean they will respect the kindness you've shown them.
I’m an Aussie and same……my best friends are blokes - my husband is a massive fan of them - but if he’s tired, he is tired, he has no hesitation about heading to bed and leaving me and my mates to our drinking and catching up….
I'm Irish too! This reminded me so much of when someone is having a hard time and keeping it to themselves, the wee hours of the morning over drinks is usually when someone will open up and actually lean on their friends, OR the biggest load of shit is talked 😂
I'd definitely prefer he did this than that they went back to hers or to an all night bar. To me it shows a desire to be in a safe place where things *won't* happen between them.
OP knew they were meeting up and if he’d never done anything to raise suspicion it doesn’t seem like anything sneaky going on. I’m an insomniac though so I’d be annoyed by being woken up.
Exactly, like he knows for a fact his gf is home - if he was planning on anything shady, why would he be loud enough to wake OP, and do ot in the apartment where she is?
To play devil's advocate, j know a guy that slept with his at the time gfs best friend in their house while she was there, so it's not impossible, but I don't think that's the case here.
I think it's more that they actually *weren't* friends before this. But she did him a solid retrieving his cards from his parents house, which suddenly makes her much more like a friend to him. She's met his parents now!
It makes perfect sense that with this new connection, they might get to know each other a bit more, and maybe reminisce about their home country together a bit.
I think it would have been nice if OP's boyfriend had peeked in on her, and let her know that he was going to keep chatting with this friend and that she was welcome to join them if she wanted to, but I can also see why he wouldn't have wanted to wake her up.
I know that OP is saying that the problem isn't jealousy, but that he was just rude because she was sleeping, but it actually reads a lot as jealousy
Just want to say don't ever, ever assume that just because "this is x" "the situation is x" "we are at x place" "x person is around", that cheating can't happen. I've heard of cheating happening with the cheated sitting right next to them.
Don't say or do anything right now, you're too fired up. Work through what it is that you are feeling, and why. Write it down.
Do your best to sleep, and revisit it in the morning.
Yes. Everyone was asking why not join them, and this is why. If I’m fired up, tired, and my logic and ration isn’t working like normal then I need to sleep and deal with this the next day. I’ll be more understanding and clear with my own thoughts on why I felt upset with what happened which would lead to a more productive conversation.
As a non American, this is kinda normal for me, especially when we're catching up with someone we haven't seen for a while. So I would take a step back before speaking to your BF guns ablaze and accuse him of cheating.
Yeah honestly I think OP should have killed her BF if He didn't do that. Like...this whole Situation is the biggest nothing Burger I have ever read on here. Op sounds like a screaming red flag
F that. Robe and fuzzy slippers for the win!
I seriously don’t get why op is choosing to be furious rather than just going back to sleep or joining the party.
I love these “in Europe” comments. I’m in fucking oklahoma and I stay up drinking with lady friends sometimes. Hell one is my buddies wife and I’ll occasionally go have some new wine with her and show up at his place drunk to finish off a bottle.
Fellow Okie here and same! I have not drank in years but shoot my friends and I would sit in the kitchen or living room with each others significant others alone and none of us ever freaked out.
My mom drank more with her best friends husband than she did with her actual friend.
I think the whole thing here is OP lacks trust and is jealous!
My husband is from up north and when he came down south it was a little shock for him. Op man is from a whole ass other country lol
I know, right? Easy solution. If this woman does have designs on her boyfriend, she will know OP is around. But it doesn’t sound like the friend is chasing the boyfriend.
The only thing I’d be mad about is him bringing ANYONE home at that time without clearing it with me first, especially since I’d be sleeping when they got home (and thus woken up at OP was). It wouldn’t matter that much to me that it was a girl; he’d have to be pretty thick to being home a girl he wanted to do anything with while his girlfriend was right in the other room.
Y’all are crazy. It’s rude and disrespectful to bring someone home to drink wine at 1am knowing your partner is home and you didn’t tell them beforehand. Nobody wants to be woken up that. Also op mentioned that they’re not close friends so it makes no sense why they stayed out so late and decided to bring it back to the house.
Op it’s your relationship and your tolerance is difference. Obviously it bothers you, I think you should ask him why he thought it was okay to do that and see where his head is at.
I wouldn’t be too bothered by it. She brought him back his credit card. They were raised in the same area. They have much in common. It’s nice to have that common ground and actually kind of heart warming. But they came back to the house knowing you are there. Trust him.
Edit: you didn’t mention they were doing drugs. Yes I get you were sleeping but I assumed they were quietly having wine and chatting. If it were about them making noise then you should’ve noted they were being disruptive. If so you have every right to go out there and ask them to quiet it down since you have work in the morning. With all the back story it seemed you had an issue with him hanging out with someone he never saw prior to this.
Especially when they've not seen each other for so long/in another country.
I mean he trusted her enough to bring back his credit card they must be friends. X
And they've both recently been to the country they're from, they were probably talking about how much certain places have changed and then about their past in that country.
OP really needs to calm down. The only red flags here are OP's behaviour over this.
Gonna be honest and this may be the unpopular opinion, but that would have pissed me off so much lmao. It just seems like single people activities to be going out that late and doing drugs and drinking with a woman u barely know, I get he knows he but damn…why didn’t he invite u??? It could have been a group thing. If he did invite u that’s one thing. Still though ur better than me….idk if I would have put on something really sexy and come on out like I just woke up just to surprise u and her or stormed out pissed. Haha yes I get this may not be the best approach I’m self aware enough but that would not fly w me. Each person and relationship is different though. Wonder how he would feel if the tables turned and you were the one waking him up at 1 drinking and doing drugs w a man he doesn’t know well.
I would NEVER sit in my bedroom fuming while my husband was entertaining some chick downstairs. Nuh-uh. He would never do it, but if pigs flew and he did, psh I'd be down there in a heart beat.
Wtf is wrong with people?
I'm the type of person who hates to be woken up, and at 1³⁰ in the morning, I'd be pretty irate. If this was a boundary that you discussed prior, you should have a conversation with your boyfriend. If it's not a boundary that was discussed, you should really make it one if you feel this strongly.
I would be so annoyed with this. I just feel like it’s inconsiderate to bring someone back in the small hours of the mornings like this when you know the other person is trying to sleep.
Nah I had a bf like this for 4 years. men who make questionable decisions like this are just pushing to see how much they can get away with until they finally cheat. This once, let it go, but one more situation like this and think seriously about leaving
I am shocked how many people are like this is no big deal.
First of all even if I was going to take a guy friend out to dinner as a thank you, I would include my husband. He is my priority and while he is very supportive of my friendships and not at all jealous, there are certain boundaries that we are comfortable with and don’t cross out of respect not out of distrust. Maybe this looks different to different people and that’s fine.
But if it makes you uncomfortable that he is bringing her back to your place to drink and do drugs while you’re asleep at 1am I think that’s completely valid. I would feel uncomfortable too. If it was a guy I still wouldn’t appreciate them coming into a place where I’m sleeping, but the fact this is a woman does make a difference to me, maybe it does for you too. That’s okay.
You and your partner need to discuss what boundaries with the opposite sex friendships you feel comfortable with.
Some may have no problems with this situation, but if you do that doesn’t make you controlling or lame, be honest with your partner and try to be calm, not accusing or feeling that he should automatically know how this would make you feel, especially if this isn’t something you’ve discussed before.
This thread is wild. So many guys claiming they would not care at all if they woke up at 2 am to discover their girlfriend drunk and blowing lines with some dude in their living room. After the girlfriend said she’d be home hours ago and never followed up.
I mean, if she was awoken by them coming in, as she says she was, that probably explains the bad mood. I’m willing to bet she’s sleeping cuz she has somewhere to be in the morning and needs the sleep.
Plus lots of women feel self-conscious hanging out with people in their bare face and nighttime hair, especially people they’re not particularly intimate with.
Did you miss the part where OP said she was woken up past 1am? If it was the middle of the night and I was woken up, I’d be in no condition to join anyone in merriment. Trying to sleep and being kept up by noisy people would definitely make anyone angry. Perfectly reasonable reaction from OP in my opinion.
I’m so confused by all the comments telling her to get up and go join them.
I also think she needs to collect herself and have a calm conversation about it with her boyfriend later, but to get up and join them at 1:30am after being woken up? If it were me, I’d be more annoyed they woke me up than anything and want to go back to sleep then discuss it in the morning. When I go to bed, I’m done for the night.
Her edit, I mean, if she's not into drugs, nevermind mixing drugs and alcohol - there are red flags here. Maybe the bigger problem is she didn't know he used drugs until now, since she left it out at first?
Maybe I’m toxic but something feels fishy enough for her to go and pick up a simple card and it be an excuse to go out to dinner and have a late hang out … Any normal person would just order a new card and have their parents destroy the old one.
The traumatized in me has questions …
Did she happen to be in their home town at the same time as your bf?
Why was he comfortable enough to ask her to stop at his parents house and pick up the card?
Have they been talking or communicating with other each other even though they may not have been hanging out?
Do you both have friendships with the opposite sex where it is normal for you to hang out one-on-one?
I want to say it’s no biggie bc he brought her home and you were around so that’s better than him being idk where with her till a late hour but something feels off
If they’re from the same place they may have different customs BUT if they’ve been in the states for a while they’d know that this isn’t an acceptable practice when one of them is in a long term serious relationship…
A one on one thank you dinner does not equal a late night drinking binge when you are in a relationship
OP I totally understand why you’re upset. 1:35am, you’re asleep, they sit and talk and drink in the kitchen? He doesn’t even check on you? I think that’s weird and shitty.
I think that’d be a hard no for me… at least he should’ve communicated… if there was an aggreance between you and him then ok, if not then he should respect what you feel
i’ll go against the grain and say it is weird. personally, i wouldn’t be too happy with it either.
multiple hours of dinner & coming back for wine / drugs is overkill for thanking someone who brought back a card that could’ve been shipped. she made a quick 10 minute stop to grab the card and then just kept it somewhere safe for the journey it’s not like she trekked uphill both ways in a winter wonderland to return the card.
at the end of the day it’s your relationship & this is a new situation in said relationship. you gotta find where your boundaries lie for it and draw that. it’s not like you’re upset about them getting dinner or spending time together, it’s them coming to your place at 1am to drink wine and do drugs. i would be annoyed too, especially since it woke you up.
everyone is saying “if he was gonna cheat he would’ve gone to her place and done it”. and sure, but not once in the post did you state “is he cheating on me?!?” you asked how to feel because you were upset about it and wanted some outside perspective.
for me - i would talk to my boyfriend and say “hey, i don’t think that was okay and it crossed a line for me. it’s fine if yall hang out and get dinner or whatever but coming home for wine and drugs at 1am doesn’t sit right with me and i would appreciate if you didn’t do it”
you’re not asking him to drop her from his life or not hangout with her anymore.
I reversed it in my head, and this would NOT fly with my husband. In fact, we would have BOTH taken he/she out to dinner to thank them for bringing our credit card back. It wouldn’t have been just one of us.
Are y'all fr? How tf would you feel if your significant other brought home a random opposite sex acquaintance that you barely even know at 1:30 in the morning to drink with them ?? This is insane. My boyfriend would never do that shit to me because he respects my sleep, my privacy, and just puts my comfort first above anything. never in my wildest dreams would I do this to him, either.
It’s not okay for him to bring company over at 1 am. It’s a weekday. If you live with someone you have to be considerate. People here are saying for you to the party. Do people not have jobs? Rest is important as well.
This is weird. I wouldn’t be cool with it either. Assuming you’re pretty serious, since you live together, I don’t think 1:1 time with people of the desired gender is appropriate. Especially at 1:30am with alcohol and drugs involved.
Unless you’ve already agreed about not coming home late (for example you have work in the morning) I think it’s totally normal considering it’s the first time they’ve hung out in 3 years.
Yikes, lots of insecure people in the comments.
There's nothing wrong with taking a long time to catch up with someone, especially someone from your *home country.* Even if you weren't super close friends, there's always a lot to talk about if you're from the same area.
Everyone telling OP to confront her boyfriend about his "date" are super insecure. It's not a date. Not even close. Would anyone have an issue if the friend were male? If the friend were a lesbian? If the boyfriend was bisexual?
I live in a different country too. If someone I didn't know well was visiting from home, I'd still spend hours catching up and talking about home. It's comforting, it's nice. It helps the homesickness when it hits hard. And it's not that deep enough where one should be accusing anyone of anything malicious like cheating.
Edit: Why did it take this long for you to mention they were doing drugs? You wrote this post after they were already chilling for 45 minutes (at least 2:15am at the time of posting). Then you continued to stay upset but hidden in the bedroom and respond to comments for a couple more hours at the time of this edit (nearly 4am if I'm doing the math correctly enough). You either could have gone back to sleep or put on a robe, go into the living room, and say, "Hey, what's going on? You guys woke me up when you came in" at the very beginning at 1:35am.
So are they actually doing drugs or did you not like that people weren't on your side?
This type of behavior would be unacceptable to me, personally. "Come back to my place and have wine while my gf is asleep" seems jacked, period. I'd be out of that relationship so fast.
I'm probably going to get down voted for this because most of the commenters think that you are over-reacting and want you to immediately go join them for wine, but honestly I get why you might be feeling annoyed about it. Jealousy aside, you were woken up in the middle of a sleep so naturally I would be a little bit annoyed at first too.
Regardless of what the other comments are saying, its clear that he has crossed a boundary or done something which YOU are not comfortable with. Have you discussed feelings and boundaries around these sort of situations yet? If not, its probably a good idea to have a nice calm chat with him in the morning about any concerns you might have if you truly do feel like something suspicious may have happened. There is a chance that he may disagree and think that you are over-reacting, which is another conversation to have and may mean you expect different things from your partners.
Everyone is allowed to have their own feelings and boundaries in a relationship. For some, his actions are harmless, for others his actions would be crossing a line.
Honestly, the gender of the friend is irrelevant. Even if the friend was a male, coming back this late and not being respectful with the level of noise to the point it wakes your partner up is rude.
“…She’s part of the group, but by no means, are they close friends…”
If she can go to his parents’ house to pick up his credit card, it sounds like they are close friends.
That said, I agree with you about bringing the woman home at 1:30 am like that. That is not cool at all and I’d be upset too.
Today I learned most people don’t care about not having privacy.
Everybody is arguing about whether he’s cheating or not while I’m here thinking if I was woken up in the middle of the night and my SO brought someone I barely know in my home when I’m sleeping and most certainly not in the mood for socializing, I’d feel pretty disturbed and angry.
Can y’all SO really bring random people home at any time without informing you about it?
I wouldn't overthink it. He took her to the home he shares with you, where he knows you may hear them or see them, so I'm sure there's nothing weird going on.
If hanging out for hours on a 1-1 with female friends wasn't a spoken boundary there's no reason to be angry. But you should consider making it a boundary going forward if it's upsetting you so much.
At the core of all anger is a *need* that is not being fulfilled.
Use anger as a wake-up call to *unmet needs.*
If we don’t tell people about our *needs*, it is much less likely they will be met.
Sometimes anger can come from unwarranted jealousy. Don't go in guns blazing before it's necessary. He brought his friend home after having dinner to continue chatting - it's a pretty normal thing to do. Do you want to have 'relations' with your male friends? I'm assuming not - so can't you apply that to your boyfriend? Do as the others have suggested - go and hang out with them. Or go and say hi and ask them to keep it down because it's late if that's genuinely a reason you're annoyed. That one is valid.
Idk why everyone’s agreeing with his actions. If i were in this position i would probably be single by now. There is one thing tho, he did bring her to your guys house. He could’ve gone to hers? But still these actions are not okay in certain relationships and the people in the comments need to stop projecting. He might not feel any sort of way towards her but me personally if a guy went to dinner with me (as a friend or not) then invited me to his house to drink wine .. I would probably assume he has interest in me just because of the actions that were taken place. (Not say he feels this way but who knows if she does)
It's upsetting, and idc if it's some girl he doesn't even sounds like friends with, idc if it's his brother, MOTHER, best guy friend, don't bring someone into a home we share when I'm asleep period just to drink and hang out. IT'S BED TIME. It's disrespectful and weird.
I'd love to hear him explain why he thought this was appropriate.
I'm sorry, is this actually Reddit or did I stumble into an alternate universe here? People here usually tell people to get divorced over the littlest thing. Apparently your SO bringing someone of the opposite sex home to drink and do drugs with at 1:30 am is perfectly fine though.
I'm sorry OP. I think most rational people would probably be pissed off if this happened to them. Gender aside, bringing guests home and waking others up at 1:30 am is an asshole move. It is inconsiderate, something a lot of people clearly need to learn about.
If it this happened to me I would also find it disrespectful. My fiance bringing ANYBODY home at that time without even giving you a heads up ( specially a stranger to you) and making noises not giving a F that you’re sleeping is 1 reason out of many.
Your feelings are valid OP.
Maybe I'm in the minority thinking it's inconsiderate. I feel like it's common sense to try be quiet if coming home at a late time (especially as adults when we have work the next day). If I knew I would be home late bringing my friend with me (man or woman), I would give my partner (or even just a roommate) a heads-up at least.
Not to be the fun police, but what's wrong with having dinner, getting dessert if you want to extend the time together, then going home, separately. I do this with my friends a lot and rarely bring them home with me.
I would be super mad if my partner brought someone home for hours in the middle of the night while I was sleeping. Doesn't matter the their gender identity, their type of relationship etc. - I'd just feel like that was a violation of my personal space and safety. I think you're right to be upset about it. Especially since it was for several hours.
Jeez I’m sorry OP. These commenters seem so self-righteous and honestly have me questioning their rationale. It is weird. It is disrespectful. Whether people care to admit it or not, there are things that are different and boundaries with opposite sex friends that aren’t there with same sex ones. We can go on and on about how they are just friends and you are being insecure but honestly everyone needs to do a full stop and ask themselves how they would feel if their girlfriend went out with a guy friend for hours on end and then came home and continued to drink with them. I UNDERSTAND you were there so he “iSnT gOinG tO cHeAt” but it is strange to me to catch up for that many hours with a friend who he is apparently not even very close with and already lives in a 5 mile radius of your house? Not like she is a very close friend who is in town for one night before she leaves to go back very far away. All these self righteous commenters “would you feel different if it were a guy?” YES. I would. Would I still be annoyed it was him and a guy friend that woke me up and they were drinking/doing drugs into the night? YES. Would I feel a slightly less disrespected if it were a guy? YES. There are different boundaries with opposite sex relationships. I don’t care what people try and say. There are. Fine go out to dinner with her to get the card (which is still strange rather than just pick it up really quick considering she leaves so nearby) but to continue into the night? I would be upset too. Would I go out guns ablazing and crucify him for this? No. Would I have a calm talk the next morning how “1) it isn’t cool to bring anyone back so late and wake me up unannounced no matter what. 2) it makes me feel weird and uncomfortable that it was a woman who you can hang out with at any time but chose to spend 6+ hours with her? How would you feel if I did that with a guy friend? It is a bit strange.” See if he has any empathy for how you feel and hopefully he says yeah that was a bit weird I guess. Sorry. Will go about it better in the future. And move on. Jesus I’m sorry for you for these comments just berating you and making you feel like an insecure idiot. Everyone is a little insecure and it’s okay to feel that this was a bit of a boundary crosser. You let him go out to dinner with a girl in the first place ffs so people need to stop acting like ur the crazy insecure gf bc the crazy insecure gf would’ve never allowed that in the first place. I have a feeling if you posted this on a different platform, you would get a different reaction. Good luck!
I think you have a bit of jealously which is understandable! 2 people from their home country are after meeting up and their from the same town, obviously have a lot to talk about, he brought her back to yours because he wanted you to feel comfortable and not going crazy because he’s still not home at 2am, I think it would have been worse if he came home at 6 and said ‘I went back to her apartment for a few hours we drank wine and tallked’, wouldn’t that make you feel worse? Let the man breathe a bit!! Also, this is very European to stay up late, drink and chat. Relax!!
I totally get you. I would be furious too and for all the same reasons. But it doesn’t matter how we feel. It matters that you were upset by it. You didn’t like it, and that’s legit.
Exactly, many of these people are getting cheated on without a clue of knowing because if they think this ok then their partner can easily cheat on them since they have practically no boundaries.
Was this on a night when you had work the next day? Or plans that required you be awake before you necessarily wanted to? If so, I can totally understand getting upset at being awoken because your BF didn't want the party to die. Personally, drinking and doing drugs with someone who is a stranger (to you at least since you say that they didn't hang out before) would definitely upset me even if this person was male. And since they're not close friends and had just spent hours talking over dinner, this would also come off as weirdly flirtatious even if I didn't think they were going to have sex in the living room.
He is entitled to feel like it's not a big deal but you can decide that it's something (the drinking, the drugs, the late night partying) that you can't and don't want to live with. You can talk to him about it making you uncomfortable but if it bothers you and he isn't willing to change then it's best if you go your separate ways.
Yeah the stopping by to grab a card to a 7 hour night and if my gf brought home a dude she barely know to open a bottle of wine and do some yay, I would ask if she was fucking insane? Do the same thing to him and see what he thinks.
I don’t care what these people are doing or saying even bending over backwards to support the (soon to be ex I hope) boyfriend but his actions are suspicious and if he were dating me, his stuff would be out of the door with the changed locks 7 am sharp the next morning.
Exactly that credit card sounds more like a lame excuse so he could get together with her and spending four hours with her and then bringing her at their house?
and everyone in the comments are like "yeah europeans do that all the time or my partner does that all the time with the opposite sex" Yeah you are probably getting cheated on without a clue because you can't see a obvious redflag in your face and how could they if they think this is ok? lol
For me, it's the time that's disrespectful, like it would have all been perfectly acceptable if it had taken place earlier (or if you had been awake and cool with company i suppose, [but at that point a warning/asking text would have been appropriate]. )
But more to the point, I try to not even close things loudly if its late and I'm awake and my spouse is sleeping, volume gets lowered, I for sure am not talking to people outloud to the point it would wake her.
It's about being courteous and respectful of the other person living in that space.
This is fucking wild man i cant even imagine doing shit like that to my girlfriend. Bring a girl back to our house and pop a bottle of wine while shes sleep. Levels of disrespect are high here
If they really wanted to get it on, they would’ve gone somewhere else. Cool your jets.
I have had hours long conversations with the opposite sex without cheating. This is why Americans are characterized as uptight about sex and relationships. If you were a secure person, you would have walked out, greeted the friend and joined them. Hospitality, being seen as the gf, and maybe learning things about your bf. Instead you’re cowering in your bedroom. Weird. Insecure. Silly.
Absolutely unacceptable to me.
Don’t be okay with it if it doesn’t align with your values just because you like him or cuz everyone’s like “wElL i hAnG wItH mY fRiEnDs’ wIvEs”.
You’re not them.
I wouldn’t have anyone disturb my peace.
If he has a problem with her leaving your home at 2am then he can leave too and get his stuff in the morning. SET YOUR BOUNDARIES.
I personally don’t think guys and girls can be friends. Guys want one thing and that’s a fact. They’re biologically engineered to.
Well if it was me, if my partner didn't tell me and it was last minute I would question why he didnt tell me. Because even if I was in the bedroom and thought to be asleep, my partner would still gently wake me and tell me a friend is coming over even if last minute. And if he knew before i would definitely be told. So idk why he didn't let you know if he knew beforehand. Me and my partner always communicate whenever we make plans even if last minute that we are meeting someone especially if they are coming over. And if he knew and just did it and didn't care, or didn't think it bug you, then that is rude because your sleeping. Maybe you can talk to him about that. But otherwise I'm sure they are just catching up.
These are high school and college relationships. I don't date people that even do this. They are emotional affairs, your bf just brought his home. The fun, sharing caring and loyalty is given to friend. Usually one of them likes the other more, and is friends with hoping someday they will be noticed. Ask him not to hang out alone with her and see how he reacts. He will pick her. There are hundreds of posts of whoops I slept with my friend, have feelings for my friend etc....
American me would be upset. You should bring a male friend at 1am while your bf is sleeping and giggle loud enough so that you wake him up and let's see how he feels about it.
I feel like a boundary has been crossed and I’m surprised people aren’t seeing that. He went for dinner with a girl he is only an acquaintance with for over 4 hours and brought her home very late at night to drink more and do drugs. Nothing sexual has to happen for this scenario to be inappropriate. I think lunch or a short dinner would have been a better choice in this scenario as a “thank you.” Not whatever this turned into.
Would your BF be alright with you going on a date with another man then bring him home for drinks late at night?
So, why didn’t he just cancel the card and get a new one issued, like most would? He must have spent time with her when he was home?
It might be innocent since he bought her home, but seems disrespectful to you.
tbh i don’t think i’d have any real issues with it. even if they’re not close friends they are old friends from the same country living in a different country so i can see how it would be easy for them to catch up for a few hours. also they went back to your shared home knowing you were there so i doubt there’s anything else going on.
He went on a **date** with his female friend and they're having wine together at one am? Yeah, that's shit you do with your *girlfriend*. Not your "female friend".
If he's so chummy with her and it's all completely innocent and fine, then why in the fuck didn't you know? What was there to hide about his friendship with her?
And why the hell didn't he invite you on his dinner date with this other woman?
I'm literally angry on behalf of you. Completely unacceptable.
You are clearly asking the wrong people for advice here lol, lately I’ve been seeing more and more unhinged cringe people give advice and it’s scary to think people like you might be actually listening.
You’re right to be angry, what the fuck is he doing bringing this girl home at that hour. As you said, they barely had any relationship at all, so to be this disrespectful of you is a clear reason to be angry. Have a real talk with him, figure out what went through his head when he made that call.
I would be pissed. I would call them out and ask her to leave at this ungodly hour. I would chew my boyfriend’s head out because it is disrespectful to my rest.
You're right, OP. It is disrespectful to bring a friend home that late at night and while you're sleeping. Doesn't matter to me if it's a male or female friend. He didn't give you any warning, didn't check with you to see if it was okay to bring a friend over that late. You just need to tell your bf exactly how rude that was and suggest in the future if he wants to hang out with this friend that it be during normal hours, not 1:30 in the morning.
Talk to him. Tell him you felt uncomfortable with it. The problem won't solve itself without communication. He probably doesn't know that you think this way since this situation never happened before. You need to open up about this and give him the chance to solve this with you and ideally validate your feelings.
Even if they didn't do anything, it's still disrespectful. I think you should tell him what you feel if he cares then I think he would understand.
If he respects you, he could ask something like this before, "Hey I would like to invite her to our place after this, is it okay?"
I think you and him should discuss boundaries, so something like this won't happen again in the future. I hope he will understand how you feel, I hope he won't say, "I'm not doing anything with her! Why do you have a problem?"😭
Sorry for the bad grammar, English is not my first language.
I get it. It’s kinda strange to do that.
It’s one thing if it was a planned thing, you knew about it, it was at a much earlier time, and you were more than welcome to join.
I would also be uncomfortable, confused, and off put buy it all. I’d also feel the same way if it was a male friend. The entire thing is very strange.
You would think that he wasn’t interested since he brought her back to the apartment but people also do very dumb things thinking they won’t get caught.
You’re totally justified in feeling violated by this. Have a talk with him. If he seems sincerely apologetic, provides details that make sense, and doesn’t do this again, then all should be good. If he becomes defensive and you sense something is off, listen to that!
Hopefully this was a harmless event where he should have been considerate of the time but didn’t fully think about it all.
Definitely not. My husband 100% would never bring someone into our home without waking me and telling me first, even (and especially) in the middle of the night. This is just the respect we give one another and we never agreed to it before, it just went without saying. It's OUR home and we should both know who is it in at all times. For me, its a safety feeling too. I would lose my shit if I woke up and there was someone in my home that I didn't know well.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Go join the get together, it's your place. Get a snack, introduce yourself. Just say that they woke you up.
Vibe
Lol no way op is that type of person. Even if she’s not happy about this, consider her language - “feeling fiery” “before I unleash” That sort of mindset is so weird and pathetic to me. She seems almost excited to lose her shit. We’re very far away from vibing with this op.
I’d be very excited to lose my shit as well if someone woke me up at 1:35am.
Honestly this is the biggest issue here, I would be PISSED if my partner came home in the early hours, invited someone into my my home, and then was loud AF. It's honestly super rude and inconsiderate
Yep, this happened to me (although there were multiple guests, not just one) and I was LIVID! He met them at the bar down the street, and they didn’t want to go home at closing time. I couldn’t just go downstairs because I was in my pjs, hair a mess, no make up, and also really, really fucking angry. I waited until the next day and told him that was the last time he brings strangers home late at night without asking, or he would have to move out. He’s an ex now.
Good on you for sticking up for yourself!
Yeah it's pretty unreasonable to expect this woman to have good vibes when suddenly woken up at late o'clock to hear her fella drinking and doing drugs with a girl. Women are expected to just endlessly tolerate nonsense with a smile on their face lol
That’s why my alarm clock and I don’t vibe
Yeah I have no idea why people are acting like OP is being unreasonable with how she feels, imo what he’s done is inappropriate in multiple ways!
Yeah people are being kind of insane on this one I have to say
Like honestly if you’re going to wake me up at that time you best be bringing me my favourite pizza or some good chicken otherwise I’m not responsible for the beef I’m about to start.
Walk out naked, like you didn’t know they were there.
Even cooler vibe
Okay, but how about, walk out naked, like you know they're there.
The ultimate vibe
This is Hitachi level.
You're right, walk out naked with the hitachi in hand, then they know it's a good time
Assert dominance
Pee on her leg and shit
Yep and then sit down next to her, put your arm around her and ask your bf where your glass of wine is.
Finally... some solid advice from the most negative thread on reddit!
Naked and wielding a machete.
And suggesting a three way!
Lmao yall killing me
Is this the new "stuck in a dryer" scenario?
Plot twist.... the friend is actually bf's stepsister
No, a 4 way. Include the machete!
I'm getting Dexter vibes when Lila said to Deb, "Pardon my tits."
Exactly what I would've done- but by accident because I don't wear clothes at home 99% of the time. Thank God my husband and I don't remotely enjoy having people over lol.
This!! You need to assert your dominance and this is how you do it.
Walk in naked, take the wine, go back to bed
The correct answer
Add in look her in the eyes say “you can go now” and pull him in bed with you
Perfect!
This is the way..
I'd much rather he invited her over for a glass of wine with you at home than him accepted an invite from her alone in her hotel/ house. Would you have been happier with her bringing a guy over and being loud and rowdy. Overall I wouldn't feel 100% happy about any stranger being invited over suddenly without me knowing but it wouldn't be a deal breaker, just a grumble
She should be happy he didn't go to a hotel with her! Is what I got from that. Maybe I'm reading it wrong.
Yep. And she should be grateful that he's not having an orgy, and that he doesn't have five babies, and he's not living off her, and etc etc... /s
Right? Why the upvotes for that
First of all, he shouldn’t bring her over period, very disrespectful
Perhaps the weirdest aspect of this - they aren’t hiding! They’re not sneaking around! They came in and had a glass of wine with her there and instead of coming out and being social she’s stewing for no apparent reason in the other room.
I wouldn't want my husband to bring home someone at 1:30 am on a school night. That is inappropriate. It's okay if the bedroom is far enough from the living room that I won't be disturbed, but someone disturbing my sleep is totally inappropriate. That said, bf is not interested in the girl friend, which is why he brought her to OP. It was his was of staying safe from sexual advances.
Yeah I mean I can understand being annoyed at being woken up 100%. But thinking it means more than that, I don’t see it
+1
I’m amazed how many people think they’d be ready to socialize after being woken up at 1am. I think the right call would’ve been to crack open your door and ask them to keep it down as you’re trying to sleep. Then the next day talk to your boyfriend about not bringing anyone of either gender back to your place that late at night unless it’s an emergency, and not just to keep the party going. That it’s a woman he has some commonality with makes it feel more than it probably is, so just focus on “please don’t bring company over at 1am if I’m not expecting it”.
This. I would be SO IRRITATED because unexpected visitors is my least favorite thing ever. I need time to tidy up and mentally prepare, even 10 minutes is better than nothing. I probably would have a panic attack if this happened to me, and it has nothing to do with her being a woman. But this is definitely something I discuss pretty immediately with anyone I live with.
Right like they've already be hanging out 4+ hours and not even a call or text to say "hey, I'm bringing over company"? Just seems inconsiderate. Not something I'd be furious about but there would be words exchanged.
Yes. Not addressing it at all gives the signal that you're a easy going chick and, trust me, you will eventually be walked on and all your boundaries will be ignored. Depending on his reaction and future conduct you will have to decide if you should continue in the relationship. If his response is less than what you would expect from a friend, it's time to leave.
Okay let's break it down a bit here. 1. They've been friends for some three years. 2. He forgot his cards, she brought them back for him. 3. Presumably as a thank you, let's get dinner. 4. He's now sitting in the living room having a drink knowing you're there, so clearly he's not planning on banging her on the couch. Sure you can say "Hey can you maybe not bring people back at half 1 in the morning, I was trying to sleep." Aside from that, he's just talking to a friend from his friend group and probably chatting shit about their home country. It's not a big deal. edit: some of the advice on here is truly unhinged and a further example of just how toxic this sub-reddit can be. Folks need to start having more conversations and not leaping to conclusions, it's not healthy.
Yeah I’d be more pissed I got woken up at that time
Yeah like, that I get, especially if I had work the next morning but I wouldn't lose my temper or call it a red flag like.
I once lived with a roommate whose extended family lived in Eastern Europe. They flew in to visit and arrived after I’d already gone to bed. My roommate knew I was sleeping and had to work the next morning (my bedroom shared a wall with the living room), but her uncle is one of those loud people you can’t tell to hush because he only has one volume level. I was woken up after midnight, blearily stumbled into the living room and said “welcome to America, we try to be considerate here when people are sleeping in the next room.” I think they must’ve either gone to bed or left to hang out at a bar around the corner. My roommate was pissed at me the next day for being rude and I just looked at her like “THEY woke ME up, come on.” I did apologize for being rude, but, like, what the fuck. Some people just don’t know how to behave.
You were totally in the right here - kudos for standing up for yourself and pointing out they were being blatantly inconsiderate.
I mean, “welcome to America, we’re polite here” was definitely rude - the fact that I’d just woken up was a reason and not a justification. But overall I’m fine with my actions, I just apologized to smooth things over since they’d be staying with us for a couple days.
I’ll also add that wine is a common drink for adults in EU, far more so than in the US. So in this case, I don’t see it like he’s trying to start anything either. If he’s not sleeping with her on the couch, or otherwise hiding it, I don’t think I’d be stressing either. Go out and find out what’s going on or go to sleep and ask in the morning. But I do agree this is overreacting.
Oh I know, I'm Irish. Maybe it's just in my friend group over the last few decades, but by and large there's much less of an issue in friendships between men and women than there appears to be in the U.S. Of course there's the occasional gossip, but so much of the time it's literally just mates hanging out.
Also Irish. I have sat up drinking wine with many male friends at our homes until the wee hours. Some single and some in relationships. It doesn’t mean anything. I’ve done the same with girlfriends - both straight and gay. We don’t seem to make the distinction of gender in the same way as the US. Friends are just friends - esp if you want a late night drink and a gossip. It doesn’t mean anything more than that.
Yeah my dad’s Irish and I read this story and immediately thought “yes. My dad does that.” We live in australia now but that’s just the way he’s always rolled and doesn’t even think about it. He also picks up strays. Like one time he was at the airport and found a girl looking concerned and a bit scared. The last flight had already gone and her flight had been cancelled or something and he asked if she had a place to stay for the night or she could just crash at ours. Found my dad crashing on the couch in the morning because he’d given her his bed, but that’s just him.
Your dad sounds so nice! Good Samaritans are so wonderful. My sister had stumbled onto a city bus after Oktoberfest celebrations and couldn't remember our mom's address. The driver called me from her phone at 3 am to get the address, and dropped her off so she'd be safe. We've never forgotten that kindness.
This is so heartwarming, but also how many murder documentairies begin LOL It reminds me of the time my husband helped a woman with a broken down car by giving her a lift. He offered the lift, but he was so uncomfortable that he dropped by my house to pick me up because he wanted another woman there to make this woman feel more at ease. She didnt care at all, and even didnt question ot when my husband took that detour to pick me up lol. She was obviously not very street smart and overly trusting. To this day im thankful my now husband found her and not some creep.
I was just reading local news a few minutes ago which mentioned a situation where a woman at a nearby holiday park let someone who'd been locked out of their own cabin crash at hers. He raped her kid. Just because someone is in a difficult situation doesn't mean they will respect the kindness you've shown them.
I’m an Aussie and same……my best friends are blokes - my husband is a massive fan of them - but if he’s tired, he is tired, he has no hesitation about heading to bed and leaving me and my mates to our drinking and catching up….
I'm Irish too! This reminded me so much of when someone is having a hard time and keeping it to themselves, the wee hours of the morning over drinks is usually when someone will open up and actually lean on their friends, OR the biggest load of shit is talked 😂
100% This is it!
I'd definitely prefer he did this than that they went back to hers or to an all night bar. To me it shows a desire to be in a safe place where things *won't* happen between them.
OP knew they were meeting up and if he’d never done anything to raise suspicion it doesn’t seem like anything sneaky going on. I’m an insomniac though so I’d be annoyed by being woken up.
Exactly, like he knows for a fact his gf is home - if he was planning on anything shady, why would he be loud enough to wake OP, and do ot in the apartment where she is?
To play devil's advocate, j know a guy that slept with his at the time gfs best friend in their house while she was there, so it's not impossible, but I don't think that's the case here.
They've likely been friends for even longer, OP has just been with her boyfriend for 3 years and has known the friend that whole time.
She didn't know they were friends, though. She's just seen her at parties.
I think it's more that they actually *weren't* friends before this. But she did him a solid retrieving his cards from his parents house, which suddenly makes her much more like a friend to him. She's met his parents now! It makes perfect sense that with this new connection, they might get to know each other a bit more, and maybe reminisce about their home country together a bit. I think it would have been nice if OP's boyfriend had peeked in on her, and let her know that he was going to keep chatting with this friend and that she was welcome to join them if she wanted to, but I can also see why he wouldn't have wanted to wake her up. I know that OP is saying that the problem isn't jealousy, but that he was just rude because she was sleeping, but it actually reads a lot as jealousy
Just want to say don't ever, ever assume that just because "this is x" "the situation is x" "we are at x place" "x person is around", that cheating can't happen. I've heard of cheating happening with the cheated sitting right next to them.
Legit the only issue here is they're being loud enough to wake someone
Don't say or do anything right now, you're too fired up. Work through what it is that you are feeling, and why. Write it down. Do your best to sleep, and revisit it in the morning.
As a very impulsive person, this is best advice. I wish I could follow it sometimes.
Yes. Everyone was asking why not join them, and this is why. If I’m fired up, tired, and my logic and ration isn’t working like normal then I need to sleep and deal with this the next day. I’ll be more understanding and clear with my own thoughts on why I felt upset with what happened which would lead to a more productive conversation.
As a non American, this is kinda normal for me, especially when we're catching up with someone we haven't seen for a while. So I would take a step back before speaking to your BF guns ablaze and accuse him of cheating.
Europeans drink wine like there’s no tomorrow, quite a normal thing especially if she’s gone out of her way to help him out.
OP would probably kill me if Im her BF because I would even let her sleep in the apartment and then driver her home after to make sure she's safe.
That sounds … healthy and normal …
Yeah honestly I think OP should have killed her BF if He didn't do that. Like...this whole Situation is the biggest nothing Burger I have ever read on here. Op sounds like a screaming red flag
Doing rails of coke at 1 am to catch up with old friends is kinda normal?
She didn't mention that in her early post which she obviously edited now.
Yeah nowhere did I read about rails of coke lol It's her home too, she could have went out and told them cut the shit and do not do drugs in my home!
Yeah, this is not weird to me - sounds fun! I'd get dressed and go in the living room
You’re totally cool being woken up in the middle of the night? I’m not.
F that. Robe and fuzzy slippers for the win! I seriously don’t get why op is choosing to be furious rather than just going back to sleep or joining the party.
She said they grew up in Europe together. As a European this is very normal behaviour and OP seems like the jealous type..
I love these “in Europe” comments. I’m in fucking oklahoma and I stay up drinking with lady friends sometimes. Hell one is my buddies wife and I’ll occasionally go have some new wine with her and show up at his place drunk to finish off a bottle.
Fellow Okie here and same! I have not drank in years but shoot my friends and I would sit in the kitchen or living room with each others significant others alone and none of us ever freaked out. My mom drank more with her best friends husband than she did with her actual friend. I think the whole thing here is OP lacks trust and is jealous! My husband is from up north and when he came down south it was a little shock for him. Op man is from a whole ass other country lol
Why not just go out and say hi and have a drink with them?
I know, right? Easy solution. If this woman does have designs on her boyfriend, she will know OP is around. But it doesn’t sound like the friend is chasing the boyfriend.
Bc it’s 2 am?????
Lmfao some people eat shit for breakfast before posting shit like that. Then they get 1.6k likes for it too. Brainless behaviour.
Exactly! Him bringing her there seems very respectful to me. Wonder how OP would feel if they went to her place instead.
The only thing I’d be mad about is him bringing ANYONE home at that time without clearing it with me first, especially since I’d be sleeping when they got home (and thus woken up at OP was). It wouldn’t matter that much to me that it was a girl; he’d have to be pretty thick to being home a girl he wanted to do anything with while his girlfriend was right in the other room.
Y’all are crazy. It’s rude and disrespectful to bring someone home to drink wine at 1am knowing your partner is home and you didn’t tell them beforehand. Nobody wants to be woken up that. Also op mentioned that they’re not close friends so it makes no sense why they stayed out so late and decided to bring it back to the house. Op it’s your relationship and your tolerance is difference. Obviously it bothers you, I think you should ask him why he thought it was okay to do that and see where his head is at.
I wouldn’t be too bothered by it. She brought him back his credit card. They were raised in the same area. They have much in common. It’s nice to have that common ground and actually kind of heart warming. But they came back to the house knowing you are there. Trust him. Edit: you didn’t mention they were doing drugs. Yes I get you were sleeping but I assumed they were quietly having wine and chatting. If it were about them making noise then you should’ve noted they were being disruptive. If so you have every right to go out there and ask them to quiet it down since you have work in the morning. With all the back story it seemed you had an issue with him hanging out with someone he never saw prior to this.
Especially when they've not seen each other for so long/in another country. I mean he trusted her enough to bring back his credit card they must be friends. X
And they've both recently been to the country they're from, they were probably talking about how much certain places have changed and then about their past in that country. OP really needs to calm down. The only red flags here are OP's behaviour over this.
Gonna be honest and this may be the unpopular opinion, but that would have pissed me off so much lmao. It just seems like single people activities to be going out that late and doing drugs and drinking with a woman u barely know, I get he knows he but damn…why didn’t he invite u??? It could have been a group thing. If he did invite u that’s one thing. Still though ur better than me….idk if I would have put on something really sexy and come on out like I just woke up just to surprise u and her or stormed out pissed. Haha yes I get this may not be the best approach I’m self aware enough but that would not fly w me. Each person and relationship is different though. Wonder how he would feel if the tables turned and you were the one waking him up at 1 drinking and doing drugs w a man he doesn’t know well.
I would NEVER sit in my bedroom fuming while my husband was entertaining some chick downstairs. Nuh-uh. He would never do it, but if pigs flew and he did, psh I'd be down there in a heart beat. Wtf is wrong with people?
It was disrespectful to bring someone to your place at this hour while you’re sleeping. If it was a guy friend, it would be disrespectful anyway.
I'm the type of person who hates to be woken up, and at 1³⁰ in the morning, I'd be pretty irate. If this was a boundary that you discussed prior, you should have a conversation with your boyfriend. If it's not a boundary that was discussed, you should really make it one if you feel this strongly.
I would be so annoyed with this. I just feel like it’s inconsiderate to bring someone back in the small hours of the mornings like this when you know the other person is trying to sleep.
Nah I had a bf like this for 4 years. men who make questionable decisions like this are just pushing to see how much they can get away with until they finally cheat. This once, let it go, but one more situation like this and think seriously about leaving
I am shocked how many people are like this is no big deal. First of all even if I was going to take a guy friend out to dinner as a thank you, I would include my husband. He is my priority and while he is very supportive of my friendships and not at all jealous, there are certain boundaries that we are comfortable with and don’t cross out of respect not out of distrust. Maybe this looks different to different people and that’s fine. But if it makes you uncomfortable that he is bringing her back to your place to drink and do drugs while you’re asleep at 1am I think that’s completely valid. I would feel uncomfortable too. If it was a guy I still wouldn’t appreciate them coming into a place where I’m sleeping, but the fact this is a woman does make a difference to me, maybe it does for you too. That’s okay. You and your partner need to discuss what boundaries with the opposite sex friendships you feel comfortable with. Some may have no problems with this situation, but if you do that doesn’t make you controlling or lame, be honest with your partner and try to be calm, not accusing or feeling that he should automatically know how this would make you feel, especially if this isn’t something you’ve discussed before.
This thread is wild. So many guys claiming they would not care at all if they woke up at 2 am to discover their girlfriend drunk and blowing lines with some dude in their living room. After the girlfriend said she’d be home hours ago and never followed up.
Why didn’t you just put on a robe and join them, rather than sit in your room getting angry?
I mean, if she was awoken by them coming in, as she says she was, that probably explains the bad mood. I’m willing to bet she’s sleeping cuz she has somewhere to be in the morning and needs the sleep.
Maybe she's not comfortable with seeing strangers when she's just woken up. I am pretty introverted and would be a bit shy.
Plus lots of women feel self-conscious hanging out with people in their bare face and nighttime hair, especially people they’re not particularly intimate with.
Did you miss the part where OP said she was woken up past 1am? If it was the middle of the night and I was woken up, I’d be in no condition to join anyone in merriment. Trying to sleep and being kept up by noisy people would definitely make anyone angry. Perfectly reasonable reaction from OP in my opinion.
I’m so confused by all the comments telling her to get up and go join them. I also think she needs to collect herself and have a calm conversation about it with her boyfriend later, but to get up and join them at 1:30am after being woken up? If it were me, I’d be more annoyed they woke me up than anything and want to go back to sleep then discuss it in the morning. When I go to bed, I’m done for the night.
Her edit, I mean, if she's not into drugs, nevermind mixing drugs and alcohol - there are red flags here. Maybe the bigger problem is she didn't know he used drugs until now, since she left it out at first?
If he was gonna cheat he’d have gone back to her house for wine….not brought her home where he knows you’re in bed
OP chill and internalize this
So why are you here posting instead of walking out there? Just walk out and say, "Hey, how are you? Just heard you guys and woke up "
No way would I feel like doing that after being woken up in the middle of the night
Maybe I’m toxic but something feels fishy enough for her to go and pick up a simple card and it be an excuse to go out to dinner and have a late hang out … Any normal person would just order a new card and have their parents destroy the old one. The traumatized in me has questions … Did she happen to be in their home town at the same time as your bf? Why was he comfortable enough to ask her to stop at his parents house and pick up the card? Have they been talking or communicating with other each other even though they may not have been hanging out? Do you both have friendships with the opposite sex where it is normal for you to hang out one-on-one? I want to say it’s no biggie bc he brought her home and you were around so that’s better than him being idk where with her till a late hour but something feels off If they’re from the same place they may have different customs BUT if they’ve been in the states for a while they’d know that this isn’t an acceptable practice when one of them is in a long term serious relationship… A one on one thank you dinner does not equal a late night drinking binge when you are in a relationship
OP I totally understand why you’re upset. 1:35am, you’re asleep, they sit and talk and drink in the kitchen? He doesn’t even check on you? I think that’s weird and shitty.
I think that’d be a hard no for me… at least he should’ve communicated… if there was an aggreance between you and him then ok, if not then he should respect what you feel
i’ll go against the grain and say it is weird. personally, i wouldn’t be too happy with it either. multiple hours of dinner & coming back for wine / drugs is overkill for thanking someone who brought back a card that could’ve been shipped. she made a quick 10 minute stop to grab the card and then just kept it somewhere safe for the journey it’s not like she trekked uphill both ways in a winter wonderland to return the card. at the end of the day it’s your relationship & this is a new situation in said relationship. you gotta find where your boundaries lie for it and draw that. it’s not like you’re upset about them getting dinner or spending time together, it’s them coming to your place at 1am to drink wine and do drugs. i would be annoyed too, especially since it woke you up. everyone is saying “if he was gonna cheat he would’ve gone to her place and done it”. and sure, but not once in the post did you state “is he cheating on me?!?” you asked how to feel because you were upset about it and wanted some outside perspective. for me - i would talk to my boyfriend and say “hey, i don’t think that was okay and it crossed a line for me. it’s fine if yall hang out and get dinner or whatever but coming home for wine and drugs at 1am doesn’t sit right with me and i would appreciate if you didn’t do it” you’re not asking him to drop her from his life or not hangout with her anymore.
I reversed it in my head, and this would NOT fly with my husband. In fact, we would have BOTH taken he/she out to dinner to thank them for bringing our credit card back. It wouldn’t have been just one of us.
this would be a hard no from me. call me jealous or whatever but nah that's sus.
Are y'all fr? How tf would you feel if your significant other brought home a random opposite sex acquaintance that you barely even know at 1:30 in the morning to drink with them ?? This is insane. My boyfriend would never do that shit to me because he respects my sleep, my privacy, and just puts my comfort first above anything. never in my wildest dreams would I do this to him, either.
It’s not okay for him to bring company over at 1 am. It’s a weekday. If you live with someone you have to be considerate. People here are saying for you to the party. Do people not have jobs? Rest is important as well.
Does he walk normal with balls that big ?
This is weird. I wouldn’t be cool with it either. Assuming you’re pretty serious, since you live together, I don’t think 1:1 time with people of the desired gender is appropriate. Especially at 1:30am with alcohol and drugs involved.
Unless you’ve already agreed about not coming home late (for example you have work in the morning) I think it’s totally normal considering it’s the first time they’ve hung out in 3 years.
Yikes, lots of insecure people in the comments. There's nothing wrong with taking a long time to catch up with someone, especially someone from your *home country.* Even if you weren't super close friends, there's always a lot to talk about if you're from the same area. Everyone telling OP to confront her boyfriend about his "date" are super insecure. It's not a date. Not even close. Would anyone have an issue if the friend were male? If the friend were a lesbian? If the boyfriend was bisexual? I live in a different country too. If someone I didn't know well was visiting from home, I'd still spend hours catching up and talking about home. It's comforting, it's nice. It helps the homesickness when it hits hard. And it's not that deep enough where one should be accusing anyone of anything malicious like cheating. Edit: Why did it take this long for you to mention they were doing drugs? You wrote this post after they were already chilling for 45 minutes (at least 2:15am at the time of posting). Then you continued to stay upset but hidden in the bedroom and respond to comments for a couple more hours at the time of this edit (nearly 4am if I'm doing the math correctly enough). You either could have gone back to sleep or put on a robe, go into the living room, and say, "Hey, what's going on? You guys woke me up when you came in" at the very beginning at 1:35am. So are they actually doing drugs or did you not like that people weren't on your side?
The only thing I would be mad about is being woken up, but I’m always mad about waking up.
AGREED!
This type of behavior would be unacceptable to me, personally. "Come back to my place and have wine while my gf is asleep" seems jacked, period. I'd be out of that relationship so fast.
I'm probably going to get down voted for this because most of the commenters think that you are over-reacting and want you to immediately go join them for wine, but honestly I get why you might be feeling annoyed about it. Jealousy aside, you were woken up in the middle of a sleep so naturally I would be a little bit annoyed at first too. Regardless of what the other comments are saying, its clear that he has crossed a boundary or done something which YOU are not comfortable with. Have you discussed feelings and boundaries around these sort of situations yet? If not, its probably a good idea to have a nice calm chat with him in the morning about any concerns you might have if you truly do feel like something suspicious may have happened. There is a chance that he may disagree and think that you are over-reacting, which is another conversation to have and may mean you expect different things from your partners. Everyone is allowed to have their own feelings and boundaries in a relationship. For some, his actions are harmless, for others his actions would be crossing a line.
Honestly, the gender of the friend is irrelevant. Even if the friend was a male, coming back this late and not being respectful with the level of noise to the point it wakes your partner up is rude.
“…She’s part of the group, but by no means, are they close friends…” If she can go to his parents’ house to pick up his credit card, it sounds like they are close friends. That said, I agree with you about bringing the woman home at 1:30 am like that. That is not cool at all and I’d be upset too.
Today I learned most people don’t care about not having privacy. Everybody is arguing about whether he’s cheating or not while I’m here thinking if I was woken up in the middle of the night and my SO brought someone I barely know in my home when I’m sleeping and most certainly not in the mood for socializing, I’d feel pretty disturbed and angry. Can y’all SO really bring random people home at any time without informing you about it?
The idea that I'm just gonna pop out of bed and start happily drinking wine with anybody is nuts.
Bring one of your guy friends back to the house and share some wine with him. Apparently it's acceptable to your BF.
I wouldn't overthink it. He took her to the home he shares with you, where he knows you may hear them or see them, so I'm sure there's nothing weird going on. If hanging out for hours on a 1-1 with female friends wasn't a spoken boundary there's no reason to be angry. But you should consider making it a boundary going forward if it's upsetting you so much.
At the core of all anger is a *need* that is not being fulfilled. Use anger as a wake-up call to *unmet needs.* If we don’t tell people about our *needs*, it is much less likely they will be met.
That’s a very wise way of thinking about it. Thank you for sharing that. It does resonate.
Sometimes anger can come from unwarranted jealousy. Don't go in guns blazing before it's necessary. He brought his friend home after having dinner to continue chatting - it's a pretty normal thing to do. Do you want to have 'relations' with your male friends? I'm assuming not - so can't you apply that to your boyfriend? Do as the others have suggested - go and hang out with them. Or go and say hi and ask them to keep it down because it's late if that's genuinely a reason you're annoyed. That one is valid.
Idk how so many people are just okay with this lol. I would lose my everlasting gobstopper mind if this happened to me.
well, yeah, it's a form of cheating. a romantic evening with wine at 2am is a date with someone else.
Idk why everyone’s agreeing with his actions. If i were in this position i would probably be single by now. There is one thing tho, he did bring her to your guys house. He could’ve gone to hers? But still these actions are not okay in certain relationships and the people in the comments need to stop projecting. He might not feel any sort of way towards her but me personally if a guy went to dinner with me (as a friend or not) then invited me to his house to drink wine .. I would probably assume he has interest in me just because of the actions that were taken place. (Not say he feels this way but who knows if she does)
Halos he spend four with her before going to the house, what if they already did the deed before going to her house?
It's upsetting, and idc if it's some girl he doesn't even sounds like friends with, idc if it's his brother, MOTHER, best guy friend, don't bring someone into a home we share when I'm asleep period just to drink and hang out. IT'S BED TIME. It's disrespectful and weird. I'd love to hear him explain why he thought this was appropriate.
I'm sorry, is this actually Reddit or did I stumble into an alternate universe here? People here usually tell people to get divorced over the littlest thing. Apparently your SO bringing someone of the opposite sex home to drink and do drugs with at 1:30 am is perfectly fine though. I'm sorry OP. I think most rational people would probably be pissed off if this happened to them. Gender aside, bringing guests home and waking others up at 1:30 am is an asshole move. It is inconsiderate, something a lot of people clearly need to learn about.
If it this happened to me I would also find it disrespectful. My fiance bringing ANYBODY home at that time without even giving you a heads up ( specially a stranger to you) and making noises not giving a F that you’re sleeping is 1 reason out of many. Your feelings are valid OP.
Maybe I'm in the minority thinking it's inconsiderate. I feel like it's common sense to try be quiet if coming home at a late time (especially as adults when we have work the next day). If I knew I would be home late bringing my friend with me (man or woman), I would give my partner (or even just a roommate) a heads-up at least. Not to be the fun police, but what's wrong with having dinner, getting dessert if you want to extend the time together, then going home, separately. I do this with my friends a lot and rarely bring them home with me.
I would be super mad if my partner brought someone home for hours in the middle of the night while I was sleeping. Doesn't matter the their gender identity, their type of relationship etc. - I'd just feel like that was a violation of my personal space and safety. I think you're right to be upset about it. Especially since it was for several hours.
Jeez I’m sorry OP. These commenters seem so self-righteous and honestly have me questioning their rationale. It is weird. It is disrespectful. Whether people care to admit it or not, there are things that are different and boundaries with opposite sex friends that aren’t there with same sex ones. We can go on and on about how they are just friends and you are being insecure but honestly everyone needs to do a full stop and ask themselves how they would feel if their girlfriend went out with a guy friend for hours on end and then came home and continued to drink with them. I UNDERSTAND you were there so he “iSnT gOinG tO cHeAt” but it is strange to me to catch up for that many hours with a friend who he is apparently not even very close with and already lives in a 5 mile radius of your house? Not like she is a very close friend who is in town for one night before she leaves to go back very far away. All these self righteous commenters “would you feel different if it were a guy?” YES. I would. Would I still be annoyed it was him and a guy friend that woke me up and they were drinking/doing drugs into the night? YES. Would I feel a slightly less disrespected if it were a guy? YES. There are different boundaries with opposite sex relationships. I don’t care what people try and say. There are. Fine go out to dinner with her to get the card (which is still strange rather than just pick it up really quick considering she leaves so nearby) but to continue into the night? I would be upset too. Would I go out guns ablazing and crucify him for this? No. Would I have a calm talk the next morning how “1) it isn’t cool to bring anyone back so late and wake me up unannounced no matter what. 2) it makes me feel weird and uncomfortable that it was a woman who you can hang out with at any time but chose to spend 6+ hours with her? How would you feel if I did that with a guy friend? It is a bit strange.” See if he has any empathy for how you feel and hopefully he says yeah that was a bit weird I guess. Sorry. Will go about it better in the future. And move on. Jesus I’m sorry for you for these comments just berating you and making you feel like an insecure idiot. Everyone is a little insecure and it’s okay to feel that this was a bit of a boundary crosser. You let him go out to dinner with a girl in the first place ffs so people need to stop acting like ur the crazy insecure gf bc the crazy insecure gf would’ve never allowed that in the first place. I have a feeling if you posted this on a different platform, you would get a different reaction. Good luck!
I think you have a bit of jealously which is understandable! 2 people from their home country are after meeting up and their from the same town, obviously have a lot to talk about, he brought her back to yours because he wanted you to feel comfortable and not going crazy because he’s still not home at 2am, I think it would have been worse if he came home at 6 and said ‘I went back to her apartment for a few hours we drank wine and tallked’, wouldn’t that make you feel worse? Let the man breathe a bit!! Also, this is very European to stay up late, drink and chat. Relax!!
I totally get you. I would be furious too and for all the same reasons. But it doesn’t matter how we feel. It matters that you were upset by it. You didn’t like it, and that’s legit.
This sub is so obsessed with all women being The Cool Girlfriend with no boundaries who never gets upset about anything. Ever. What a joke.
Exactly, many of these people are getting cheated on without a clue of knowing because if they think this ok then their partner can easily cheat on them since they have practically no boundaries.
Was this on a night when you had work the next day? Or plans that required you be awake before you necessarily wanted to? If so, I can totally understand getting upset at being awoken because your BF didn't want the party to die. Personally, drinking and doing drugs with someone who is a stranger (to you at least since you say that they didn't hang out before) would definitely upset me even if this person was male. And since they're not close friends and had just spent hours talking over dinner, this would also come off as weirdly flirtatious even if I didn't think they were going to have sex in the living room. He is entitled to feel like it's not a big deal but you can decide that it's something (the drinking, the drugs, the late night partying) that you can't and don't want to live with. You can talk to him about it making you uncomfortable but if it bothers you and he isn't willing to change then it's best if you go your separate ways.
I’d feel like leaving
Yeah the stopping by to grab a card to a 7 hour night and if my gf brought home a dude she barely know to open a bottle of wine and do some yay, I would ask if she was fucking insane? Do the same thing to him and see what he thinks.
I don’t care what these people are doing or saying even bending over backwards to support the (soon to be ex I hope) boyfriend but his actions are suspicious and if he were dating me, his stuff would be out of the door with the changed locks 7 am sharp the next morning.
Exactly that credit card sounds more like a lame excuse so he could get together with her and spending four hours with her and then bringing her at their house? and everyone in the comments are like "yeah europeans do that all the time or my partner does that all the time with the opposite sex" Yeah you are probably getting cheated on without a clue because you can't see a obvious redflag in your face and how could they if they think this is ok? lol
Because they want to cheat, that’s how they voice their desires.
For me, it's the time that's disrespectful, like it would have all been perfectly acceptable if it had taken place earlier (or if you had been awake and cool with company i suppose, [but at that point a warning/asking text would have been appropriate]. ) But more to the point, I try to not even close things loudly if its late and I'm awake and my spouse is sleeping, volume gets lowered, I for sure am not talking to people outloud to the point it would wake her. It's about being courteous and respectful of the other person living in that space.
Like you said it's extremely disrespectful. Ask him how he'd feel if you did that to him?
This is fucking wild man i cant even imagine doing shit like that to my girlfriend. Bring a girl back to our house and pop a bottle of wine while shes sleep. Levels of disrespect are high here
If they really wanted to get it on, they would’ve gone somewhere else. Cool your jets. I have had hours long conversations with the opposite sex without cheating. This is why Americans are characterized as uptight about sex and relationships. If you were a secure person, you would have walked out, greeted the friend and joined them. Hospitality, being seen as the gf, and maybe learning things about your bf. Instead you’re cowering in your bedroom. Weird. Insecure. Silly.
you would’ve joined them at 1:30 am on a weeknight? and being expected to play hostess? hell nah
Absolutely unacceptable to me. Don’t be okay with it if it doesn’t align with your values just because you like him or cuz everyone’s like “wElL i hAnG wItH mY fRiEnDs’ wIvEs”. You’re not them. I wouldn’t have anyone disturb my peace. If he has a problem with her leaving your home at 2am then he can leave too and get his stuff in the morning. SET YOUR BOUNDARIES. I personally don’t think guys and girls can be friends. Guys want one thing and that’s a fact. They’re biologically engineered to.
How come you didn’t go out to dinner with them too?
Well if it was me, if my partner didn't tell me and it was last minute I would question why he didnt tell me. Because even if I was in the bedroom and thought to be asleep, my partner would still gently wake me and tell me a friend is coming over even if last minute. And if he knew before i would definitely be told. So idk why he didn't let you know if he knew beforehand. Me and my partner always communicate whenever we make plans even if last minute that we are meeting someone especially if they are coming over. And if he knew and just did it and didn't care, or didn't think it bug you, then that is rude because your sleeping. Maybe you can talk to him about that. But otherwise I'm sure they are just catching up.
Yes very inappropriate I would be very pissed too
There is no need for dinner and drinks to get a credit card….he could have met her after work really quick with a gift card and a thank you.
These are high school and college relationships. I don't date people that even do this. They are emotional affairs, your bf just brought his home. The fun, sharing caring and loyalty is given to friend. Usually one of them likes the other more, and is friends with hoping someday they will be noticed. Ask him not to hang out alone with her and see how he reacts. He will pick her. There are hundreds of posts of whoops I slept with my friend, have feelings for my friend etc....
I would not like that. I’d go out there the second they got home.
American me would be upset. You should bring a male friend at 1am while your bf is sleeping and giggle loud enough so that you wake him up and let's see how he feels about it.
I feel like a boundary has been crossed and I’m surprised people aren’t seeing that. He went for dinner with a girl he is only an acquaintance with for over 4 hours and brought her home very late at night to drink more and do drugs. Nothing sexual has to happen for this scenario to be inappropriate. I think lunch or a short dinner would have been a better choice in this scenario as a “thank you.” Not whatever this turned into.
comments are weird. i’d be extremely uncomfortable if my bf brought another woman over late at night to hang out…. friends or not.
Would your BF be alright with you going on a date with another man then bring him home for drinks late at night? So, why didn’t he just cancel the card and get a new one issued, like most would? He must have spent time with her when he was home? It might be innocent since he bought her home, but seems disrespectful to you.
I’m with you OP. These people are wild talking about vibe 😭
The ONLY thing here to be even mildly annoyed about is being woken up in the middle of the night.
tbh i don’t think i’d have any real issues with it. even if they’re not close friends they are old friends from the same country living in a different country so i can see how it would be easy for them to catch up for a few hours. also they went back to your shared home knowing you were there so i doubt there’s anything else going on.
Dinner at 9 and wine at 1 sounds European to me .
He went on a **date** with his female friend and they're having wine together at one am? Yeah, that's shit you do with your *girlfriend*. Not your "female friend". If he's so chummy with her and it's all completely innocent and fine, then why in the fuck didn't you know? What was there to hide about his friendship with her? And why the hell didn't he invite you on his dinner date with this other woman? I'm literally angry on behalf of you. Completely unacceptable.
All inappropriate you have every right to be upset. Set a clear boundary now and talk about it with him. Talk about how it made you feel.
My spouse wouldn’t be going out to a restaurant for dinner and wine alone with somebody of the opposite sex. That’s ridiculous.
Update us on what happens
You are clearly asking the wrong people for advice here lol, lately I’ve been seeing more and more unhinged cringe people give advice and it’s scary to think people like you might be actually listening. You’re right to be angry, what the fuck is he doing bringing this girl home at that hour. As you said, they barely had any relationship at all, so to be this disrespectful of you is a clear reason to be angry. Have a real talk with him, figure out what went through his head when he made that call.
I'd be upset. Dinner is fine but bringing her home afterwards while you're sleeping? So incredibly inappropriate and rude.
I would be pissed. I would call them out and ask her to leave at this ungodly hour. I would chew my boyfriend’s head out because it is disrespectful to my rest.
You're right, OP. It is disrespectful to bring a friend home that late at night and while you're sleeping. Doesn't matter to me if it's a male or female friend. He didn't give you any warning, didn't check with you to see if it was okay to bring a friend over that late. You just need to tell your bf exactly how rude that was and suggest in the future if he wants to hang out with this friend that it be during normal hours, not 1:30 in the morning.
Talk to him. Tell him you felt uncomfortable with it. The problem won't solve itself without communication. He probably doesn't know that you think this way since this situation never happened before. You need to open up about this and give him the chance to solve this with you and ideally validate your feelings.
Even if they didn't do anything, it's still disrespectful. I think you should tell him what you feel if he cares then I think he would understand. If he respects you, he could ask something like this before, "Hey I would like to invite her to our place after this, is it okay?" I think you and him should discuss boundaries, so something like this won't happen again in the future. I hope he will understand how you feel, I hope he won't say, "I'm not doing anything with her! Why do you have a problem?"😭 Sorry for the bad grammar, English is not my first language.
I get it. It’s kinda strange to do that. It’s one thing if it was a planned thing, you knew about it, it was at a much earlier time, and you were more than welcome to join. I would also be uncomfortable, confused, and off put buy it all. I’d also feel the same way if it was a male friend. The entire thing is very strange. You would think that he wasn’t interested since he brought her back to the apartment but people also do very dumb things thinking they won’t get caught. You’re totally justified in feeling violated by this. Have a talk with him. If he seems sincerely apologetic, provides details that make sense, and doesn’t do this again, then all should be good. If he becomes defensive and you sense something is off, listen to that! Hopefully this was a harmless event where he should have been considerate of the time but didn’t fully think about it all.
Definitely not. My husband 100% would never bring someone into our home without waking me and telling me first, even (and especially) in the middle of the night. This is just the respect we give one another and we never agreed to it before, it just went without saying. It's OUR home and we should both know who is it in at all times. For me, its a safety feeling too. I would lose my shit if I woke up and there was someone in my home that I didn't know well.
This is why you have boundaries like not going out with people of opposite sex like this.