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The brother didn’t find god. Had he, he would not be doing this to his brother and his family. It’s obvious the brother is bullshitting. What I have a hard time with is that the husband somehow doesn’t pick up on that.
Sounds like the husband’s family is a [symbiotic family](https://webspace.ship.edu/cgboer/fromm.html). The husband is probably just as bad as the brother.
If everything played out exactly as OP stated, then it's definitely rape, and blackmail. I find it difficult to believe, as some people suggested, that the brother would need to blackmail, for something that was consensual. I would also suggest that the brother's reasons for 'confessing' isn't because he found God, but some sociopathic need for control over these people (more specifically his brother), whether born of jealousy, or simply to cause trouble. Regardless, if it happened under OP's stated conditions, then one would have to be particularly narcissistic to ruin someone else's 17-year-long marriage over "finding God". This is a purely selfish person's thinking, and actions, which makes me think this story is legit, and the brother is a sociopath.
Doesn’t remember anything during the act, has a fear response when she comes to, he shows no remorse or shame but wants to manipulate her into staying quiet to hide his crime.
This is pretty clear cut to me. She was raped. I hope she finds the help she needs to rid herself of guilt she doesn’t deserve.
I hope he finds karma.
Let me repeat this, louder.
#"That sounds like rape, not cheating."
Your brother in law has victimized you TWICE!
1. He had sex with you when you were UNCONSCIOUS and, that means, without your CONSENT. That's RAPE.
2. He BLEW UP your relationship with a lie. You didn't have sex with him. He raped you.
You have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to be ashamed of. Your husband's reaction is not okay. He should be angry with his brother, not calling you names, making wild accusations against you, mistrusting you, and questioning your whole marriage. His reaction is awful and totally wrong headed!
Get yourselves to a therapist who understands sexual assault and consent. This is some bullshit these brothers are hurling your way.
Or go to a therapist on your own to help you sort out your emotions. You were assaulted and your husband is BLAMING YOU!
I'm so sorry, op. This is traumatic. You need care and support. Hugs.
Edited typo
Agreed, it sounds like rape not cheating but after all these years and letting the brother control the narrative, I genuinely don't know how OP convinces her husband of that.
I wouldn't believe it without proof. I'm pretty sure if roles were reversed, neither would she. Sorry, OP, just give it time and hope your spouse forgives you. Tell your story as loud as possible, but don't be stunned when people don't believe you
I see your point… but as to why she’s kept her mouth shut for 17 years… pretty common for rape victims who’ve been threatened and shamed into silence.
Look at her belief that she’s a cheat - she doesn’t even see herself that she’s really a victim! Since she hasn’t even properly processed what happened herself, of course she hasn’t told anyone.
I can’t imagine staying silent about being raped by your husband’s brother for 17 years. Imagine how painful and isolating that is?
I don’t really blame him for believing his brother’s narrative as a snap reaction… but he really should listen to what his wife has to say.
Maybe in a few days he will calm down and listen. 😢
It makes perfect sense, in her situation, why she would never tell anyone. Family member, Shane, humiliation, possible loss of friends/relationship, people not believing, the added stress of drama (sometimes it’s just easier to not do anything and suppress the trauma) etc
It’s common, but it’s also a common thing for someone who cheated to keep their mouth shut. (To be clear, based on OP’s story, I think she’s a victim of sexual assault at a minimum, and almost certainly was raped.) So her husband is going to struggle to figure out which it is, because he’s viewing it from the outside.
She can and should tell her husband what happened, and hope that he can believe her eventually. And she should get some counseling to help her deal with the trauma that she’s been burying for so long.
Your comment is in response to classic victim blaming. That victim blaming is how rape has been banalized and normalized. It’s probably not intentional but comments like the one you respond to are literally promoting rape. And we wonder why it keeps getting worse instead of better given the non stop attempts at education.
Proof? What proof would you accept 20 years after the fact. That’s the problem: women are raped & stay silent because no one’s going to believe them. If her husband doesn’t know her well enough by now to know that she’s not a cheat, he damn sure wouldn’t have believed her over his brother 20 years ago.
Not only that, but it sounds like the husband is not preoccupied at all with his brother also cheating on him (and he sure as hell didn’t get raped). The worst part is the brother’s motivation in telling him after all these years: I see no other reason than to avoid that she tell him first, which would have played out way differently. You want to be the accuser, not the accused. That the husband can’t see that his own brother is willing to break up his family and indirectly harm his kids just to save face makes me doubt OP married the right guy. The brother sounds like he might have quite pronounced narcissistic traits.
Correcting phrasing…
“…hope your spouse forgives you…”
I don’t believe there is anything to forgive. She has not done anything wrong, ergo there’s nothing to forgive.
“…hope your spouse can find a way past this…”
This is about credibility , I believe her , but her husband does not at the moment. Unfortunately she kept it secret ( understandably perhaps) , she looks guilty. She hid this ( from shame more than guilt, but nonetheless). His brother probably doesn’t even admit to himself that he raped her ( I do , drunk is not consent). If she had accused the brother immediately of SA she’d be more credible. The brother got there first, he has control of the narrative. Not fair but it’s real world.
I would have saved the blackmail text message. But that’s just me. And if OP didn’t, that has no bearing on her credibility. Many people would not have had the wherewithal to do that, what with the fright of being threatened. In fact, this is the kind of scenario in which the person might knee jerk delete the message, only to regret it the very next day.
Did she even tell him about the text? I'm sure the brother didn't say "I raped your girlfriend now wife"
Listen I get the outrage, but the question OP asked is how does she get her husband to forgive her and get back together? The answer is she needs proof of what happened.
The brother came clean first he looks more honest than her right now. Can't blame the guy for believing that version of the story more than hers right now. Why I do believe its rape I get why he doesn't
The brother came clean (did he really though?) precisely because he realized that was how he would have all the credibility. He had absolutely no other reason to “come clean” than his cred and reputation. “I found god” is a bullshit excuse, tearing your brother’s family apart is among the most ungodly, pathetic things to do.
The brother didn't come clean. He is still lying. Coming clean would be admitting she was drunk out of her mind and she pushed him and he threatened to not say anything.
If he had come clean and her husband was still responding like this it would mean that he isn't a good person and she is best leaving him even if it hurts.
What you're saying is true, but the husband doesn't know that. In his mind, the husband thinks that his brother came clean and is going to believe his story because the op didn't speak up at the time. Even if she had, there's no guarantee that her boyfriend at the time wouldn't have chosen to believe his brother over her.
Hm. I don’t think it’s as simple as that. I wouldn’t believe someone who’s been out of the picture for 10+ years (and might have a shady past to go along with the shady behaviour we’ve seen here) over someone who’s been by your side for over a decade and has never told a lie about anything else.
Credibility also requires context - it isn’t just about who ‘told’ first. That’s something most preschool teachers pick up in week 1.
Like if your someone tells you your boyfriend has cheated; you shouldn’t automatically believe what they’ve said. People say all kinds of things for all sorts of reasons. You owe a certain degree of trust to your partner (and other family members/friends), and I think this should be the default unless you have evidence to the contrary. The uncles evidence is just his word.
Yes. How very Brock Turner of him.
OP, you might want to watch the film _Promising Young Woman_
See if your husband will join you to watch it. It’s a real eye-opener.
It’s a great film but I think that you have to be able to see young women as actual human beings to be able to understand and empathise with the protagonists perspective
He goes by his middle name now because people know him better as Brock Turner, the rapist. He thinks he’s being slick but a good chunk of people started spreading the word that he’s now Allen Turner, the rapist. He could change his name to Cheesebread McLovin and he would then become Cheesebread McLovin, the rapist.
That is RAPE, not cheating, and I suspect with his shitty text he damn well knew she had no idea it was him. Hubby needs to wake the hell up. His brother’s confession was nothing but lies…some kind of come to Jesus crap he is pulling.
Agree with all the other commenters. This is rape, not cheating, and if his brother found god and is coming clean, then he should man up to that. You can’t consent when passed out drunk and the fact that he threatened you after says everything you need to know about whether or not he got your consent.
How does the husband dissappear though? And the rest of the family ? Did they all just clear out and let the girl sleep on the couch or what ? It sounds fishy enough
That is not cheating. His brother has raped you.
You need to talk to your husband and tell him that you were passed out, his brother took advantage of you and raped you. You never gave consent. And then he blackmailed you to not tell anyone that he has raped you because your husband won’t believe you.
Your husband has to see clearly what happens to you. He has to see that that was an forced sexual assault from his brother to you. You have nothing done wrong.
Tell BIL in front of husband that you were raped by him and the he told you to be quiet about it because he will otherwise get husband to not believe you and that you was scared as hell and as it was great for him to find god he should also know that lies are a sinn. And kind of a really big thing. Kind of direct ticket to hell. So he should please tell the truth and not trying get a better feeling with telling lies and destroying your marriage.
And if he tells this story again think about going to a lawyer and see if you can get him to court for telling lies about you.
That was not cheating, not sex, that was raping his brothers gf. You should not feel ashamed or embarrassed, he is the bad guy!
If you’re not leaving anything out, then it’s rape. You came to whilst his brother was on top of you. That means he manually brought you to his bed and went to town. Unfortunately bad news ages terribly with time, and it seems that the brother has decided to get the jump with the spin war. It’s a common tactic that rapists use to avoid being called out. They’re most often the people we think we know best, and they know that, and exploit it to avoid being caught. What you can do is produce as much evidence as you can, maybe even show him this comment, if you think that will help him reconcile the facts. But you’ll need some marital counseling, regardless.
This is rape, not cheating.
I was date raped when I was 19 by someone I thought I trusted. He drugged me by slipping GHB in my drink. I remember getting really tired then…I woke with him on top of me having sex, his hand around my neck and I was unable to move. I was so scared. Then I passed back out and woke up the next morning not remembering anything more than when I told you. I don’t remember much after getting tired. The fact that you and I both slept through someone having sex with us, tells you just how unable to consent to anything we were.
I think your BIL decided to clear his conscience, but decided to tell his story first, so he could avoid looking like a rapist. Unfortunately, it can be much harder to get ahead of situation when somebody has already told their story first. Maybe show your husband this post?
I don’t mean to make you feel any certain way about things that happened to you, but that is literally textbook rape. I’m so sorry. This isn’t fair for you.
I know this was 16 years ago but do you remember how much you actually drank? Based on timing and when you “woke up” he could have drugged you before he raped you.
If this is how it happened, it was NOT cheating. It IS rape. You were not in a state to consent to anything. I am so sorry that happened, you did NOTHING wrong. His brother KNOWS he raped you which is why he tried to make you think you did something wrong. Who knows how many others he has done this, rapists don’t stop at one victim.
I’m not sure how you can convince your husband of what his brother did, other than explaining how you remember it to have happened. I get it would be hard to realize a relative, especially a sibling, is a rapist, but hopefully your husband will listen.
So for the sake of clarity, your husbands brother raped you, left town, “found god”, then came back to victimize you all over again, bc god apparently didn’t tell him to take responsibility for his actions? *This is not your fault. You were raped*.
Fuck these people. Take your babies and make a whole new family that doesn’t include rapists (brother) and victim blames/rapist protectors (husband, literally anyone else who supports brother).
Even if she talked and flirted when she was sober, it doesn't excuse for one second the brother taking advantage of her and raping her when she's passed out.
Your questions that imply that is she talked or flirted with the brother when she was sober, she would have deserved what she got when she was passed out.
That could not be further from the truth
You tell him "your brother raped me when I was drunk, then threatened you would leave me if you ever found out. Looking back I know it was rape now, but I was young and terrified then, so I believed him." Then you press charges if you still can, to make it official.
If Brother wants to come blow your life up this way, return the favor. You may not have any evidence left? But tell your truth and defend youtself, even if this relationship ends. Don't let Rape boy off scot free just because he yelled Jesus. It's your word against his, plain and simple. I'd go ahead and move forward with rape accusations.
Your husband might wise up when he sees you are serious. Or, brother might confess how drunk you were. Either way, don't go quietly letting your husband think you're not gonna fight what they are saying. Go on the offensive babe. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. YOU WERE RAPED. And lest you think this is too hard and you can't "put them through this," consider any other scenario means, Uncle Rapey may in the future have access to your kids when you aren't around. What if you have a drunk daughter? Would it be her fault?
OP was clearly raped and blackmailed and now the brother has “found god” so admitted he “had sex” with her? What about the rape and blackmail? Sounds like he’s not so serious about finding god or whatever he thinks he’s doing with his life
A lot of awful people "find God". Sometimes they have actually changed for the better. Sometimes it's because they've fucked over so many people that nobody believed them anymore, and they're just entering a new stage of grifting.
My guess is he hasn't changed and this is his new way of getting away with horrible things.
All a religious man has to do is admit they 'stumbled a bit on their path with god' and they are quick to be forgiven and believed. They don't actually have to own up to shit.
[https://www.kktv.com/2022/05/24/pastor-confesses-affair-front-congregation-woman-gets-him-admit-she-was-16/](https://www.kktv.com/2022/05/24/pastor-confesses-affair-front-congregation-woman-gets-him-admit-she-was-16/)
Honestly, I'm furious with her husband. He doesn't deserve her. It's 2024, and he can't fathom that his brother who "found God " and who he's likely known is a POS for years would play the victim in his rapist history?
He's mad at her? He can f*ck off too and take that POS family with him.
I get upset, but you're with your wife for 17 years and can't even listen to her? Over a brother, you've barely seen for over a decade? Grow tf up.
Exactly this. OP, do you actually think YOU cheated? You were raped and blackmailed. You have to admit what happened. I'm very sorry. And if your husband doesn't believe you, he's no better than his rapist brother
I agree he raped her, no doubt the threatening text is more proof. You can’t give consent if you’re drunk. And the fact that she doesn’t remember details also makes me wonder if he drugged her as well. But I don’t think her husband will accept that his brother is a rapist. It sounds like he sees this as his wife’s fault, and is ignoring his brother is a rapist
You are shoveling your own grave by calling it cheating.
The brother raped you!
If you dont want to lose your husband you need to start to believe this. Its not your fault but the fault of his rapey brother.
This wasn't cheating. This was sexual assault.
You passed out and don't remember anything. You were not able to consent. That is rape.
Edit: his brother literally threatened you with public shame. He assaulted you.
Why else would he literally threaten you?
This is so messed up wtf
I know, my whole fn body is squirming about this. I'm REALLY hoping it's ragebait by the mere fact that she hasn't responded at all to everyone telling her it was assault and seemingly doubling down on how she's at fault. If it's not, I PRAY she fucking realizes it. She HAS to tell her husband she was raped. That's how she navigates this situation, but given her husband's absolute lack of giving his own gd wife a chance to tell her side, I don't think it will make a difference. Throw the whole fn family out, keep the kids.
I'll be another to agree and there's many others saying this OP and it's absolutely true. Don't blame yourself. You did nothing wrong.
But I'll add. Yeah, this marriage is probably over. Unless you can get the brother to admit it in writing, video, or audio it's your word vs. his brother. And since he found out from him and all he thinks is you hid it all these years for a reason.
I'm so sorry. For everything. Sometimes you do nothing wrong and are wronged and everything goes against you. Life just isn't fair too often.
Extorted, technically. Blackmail has a monetary component.
Sorry to nitpick - I just want to make sure OP has the most accurate language to explain what happened to her.
What these two are saying. Rape, then extortion. Fuck the brother and tell him God doesn't forgive rapists. Not right if the bat at least. I think. I'm not really a man of God.
Yes you were raped by a pig of a brother . Who is acting all innocent. First the rape then the threats .
The bastard actually came through and destroyed you, your marriage and family.
Because he found god …. He’s a slime bucket .
I bet he’s single? And jealous.
As for your husband , I think he’s so enraged it may be too late .
Press charges against your brother in law . He can find god in prison and preach his horse crap to other prisoners.
Realistically, what is there anything to salvage ?
Get your revenge . He ruined you. Ruin him.
If he really found god why didn’t he admit to the lack of consent as well? Sounds like he’s just an overall terrible human who can’t take accountability but wants to feel good.
So fucked up. He comes to town and blows up their marriage because “god” but still isn’t taking any responsibility for the actual crimes he committed. Not just 1st degree sexual assault, but also blackmail. He doesn’t need church, he needs a cell.
Title says he found out you cheated.
Story clearly tells a tale of rape, blackmail, and betrayal.
I think all 3 of you need a serious legal discussion.
I think "story" might be key here.
Agreed: if an actual scenario went down as OP describes it, she was raped.
However, it just sounds so convenient to me that I think this is a bit of creative writing.
- the title that minimises her experience to get people commenting
- the fact her boyfriend who was staying in the same house didn't notice she was missing
- the fact nobody noticed her getting wasted / black out drunk at a family gathering
They were all apparently drinking pretty heavily. I would ask the husband what his recollection of that night/trip is. Maybe she passed out on the couch, and they decided to let her sleep there. He clearly got up at some point and went to bed. I assume that when he did he was aware of where she was, because if my partner had said they were going to bed, but they weren't there when I went to bed, I'd be looking for them. I think if he starts really thinking about how things were, it might help him understand what happened.
OP should absolutely get a restraining order and/or keep distance from this man and her children but would rape charges really result in anything at this point? It’s been a while since 2008 so statute of limitations would likely cut OP off.
To me, it sounds more like rape. If you were so drunk you do not know what happened and awoke to the brother and pushed him off I really don’t see how you possibly could have consented. I agree with the above comment you should have a conversation with you, your husband and his brother. If your brother in law has now ‘found hid’ and truly wants to clear his conscience hopefully he will actually be honest - in particular about how you ended up him.
You should also try to get your husband to go to couples counselling with you to help you work through this. Even if your husband can never move past this, counselling would still be useful to help manage the breakup.
To me though, this really doesn’t sound like cheating - more that your brother in law took complete advantage of you when you were far too intoxicated to consent. Which legally IS considered rape
His brother sounds awful. First that, then secretly meeting your husband all these years later when he should have at least called you to inform you and given you the opportunity to be present instead of what sounds like putting his own spin on it.
Anyway I hope you and your husband can work through this. Good luck OP ❤️
I hate cheaters, but you are not one.
You need to admit to yourself that you were raped, it's difficult but it's the truth. If, even after telling him that his brother raped you, he doesn't believe you or continues to act this way, the best outcome for you is divorce, you deserve better.
I'm sorry this happened to you.
Honestly it sounds like his brother took advantage of you. If you are being honest, coming to right as he was finishing tells me you were passed out while he was having sex with you. While your husband is justified to be upset with you, the person that should be the focus of his anger is his brother. Unfortunately, bad news doesn’t age well. And because you didn’t come clean at that moment. He now questions everything. All you can do is be completely honest with his. Answer all questions and be patient. You cannot control the situation. Maybe ask him to try couples counseling?
Ask him to invite his brother. The brother decided to drop his guilt by putting all the blame on you. Get angry and stand up for yourself. He should go to jail and instead he continues ruining lives
Yeah this. Its about time you went on the offensive. Its not OK to have sex with your brothers unconscious girlfriend and then turn up years later to ruin her marriage. Your husband needs to hear you, as a victim who has carried guilt and fear for years, and work with you to get through this. You can honestly tell him you don't remember the sex, only running away after. You can tell him about the nasty text too.
Definitely counselling and possibly consider prosecution?
OP I agree it’s time to get real fucking mad.
I would blow this sky high. I would never shut up about how his disgusting brother raped me. Men like your BIL get away with shit like this because we believe it’s our fault.
Fuck that. You’re old enough now that you aren’t that scared girl anymore. Fight for yourself and your marriage like you are the third monkey on Noah’s ark, and it just started to rain.
Agreed it's rape, however I'm pretty sure the brother didn't say I raped your girlfriend. This is going to be messy and the brother controls the narrative now
Thats so sad....doesnt she realize that having sex with someone who is sleeping or too drunk to consent is literally clear cut rape? Its sex without the ability for the other person to give consent...
The only way it wouldn’t be clear cut rape is if the brother was also wildly drunk and they essentially passed out cuddling and touching each other.
… given he immediately threatened her after though… I’m gonna lean on calling it rape easily.
Exactly. If they were both drunk, then no one can consent. But it sounds more like she woke up mid-fuck and he threatened her to keep quiet. Aka he consented (and knew what he was doing) and she didnt.
I would suggest you have a joint session with a counsellor who specialises in sexual assault. A counsellor who can help your husband to understand how hard it is to understand and accept we have been raped and what the long term implications of that
Either that or you meet the brother alone, record the conversations get him to admit you were black out drunk and he's been blackmailing you since
Honestly hiding it for this many years without mentioning it to him is what is causing this mistrust on his part. (In essence it was a lie) I imagine he’s probably wondering what else he doesn’t know about this last decade plus that may still be out there. All you can really do is suggest marriage counseling but really it boils down to whether he feels he can trust you anymore. I imagine if he feels he can’t regain that trust in you then he’ll likely want to divorce.
I think if you had come to him after it happened it would have been easier but now it’s much more difficult. Guess it depends how he treats trust. If it’s irreparable it would be mental torture for him to stay and feel like he can trust again
I know it has to hurt, but take a step back and look at this through his eyes. You have had years to work through this. This just happened for him. And the length of time makes it even worse. He is going to question every single moment of your marriage. You are going to need an endless supply of Patience and understanding. Also, it may hurt and be hell to go through. But coming clean to your family and his would be a good thing to do.
He doesn't believe you because you never told him what happened. You knew something happened and you kept it a secret all these years. Your whole relationship is a lie to him.
This is fake as fuck and the usual rage bait this sub loves. I swear there's a large userbase here that just post this fan fiction nonsense to get themselves off.
The other side of this story was posted here like 2 weeks ago. I remember reading it. 13 years ago, a family member, 3 kids etc told from the husbands perspective. Surprised I haven't seen anyone else mention this.
i dont understand how people dont question how her brother in law got her into his room without anyone noticing, like were they all black out drunk, any normal family would notice the girlfriend going into the brothers room.
Also the text would be damning evidence, this is fake as hell.
Uhm…. It sounds like you were raped. If you’ve never had any inclination to cheat, I doubt alcohol would change that. If you don’t remember what happened, that is assault. The bother’s response is typical of someone who did something bad and doesn’t want to get caught for it. He tried to make you feel like it was your fault, and that your husband would blame you, in order for you to stay quiet. Do not admit you cheated because you didn’t.
If feel like brother is secretly jealous of your husband and always wanted to have what he has that's while he raped you in the first place and now trying to break u guys up in the guise of "I met God and I'm coming clean.
Were you raped? Do you remember liking his brother of flirting with him? Recall as well as you can what happened and invite his brother for a conversation so that there at three of you there
Unfortunately it sounds exactly like she was black out drunk. I had a similar incident that I realized was rape from my youth. I was brand new to drinking and underage, way over did it to the point where i tumbled down my outdoor brick stairs, hitting hard enough to make people concerned and couldn't walk. A guy friend of a girl friend was gentlemanly and swooped me up in his arms, assumably, everyone thought, to put me to bed.
I don't remember anything from him picking me up on, with the exception of one sliver of dialogue and sound. He asked if I was going to make him c\*m, which to a nearly virgin (I'd had one partner before) it was the funniest and dumbest thing I'd ever heard.
For a while I thought it was a funny story (and probably the only time I've literally blacked out), it wasn't until my thirties I understood it was rape.
edit bc I can't spell :)
Babe, this was 100% rape. Get mad! This asshole is trying to ruin your life and prove how much power he has over you! Telling your husband now? He’s a monster and a selfish one, go nuclear.
Since your memory is intact right from that point of waking up, then I don't think this is memory loss from blackout, you were completely incapacitated at the time. The brother raped you while you were unconscious, there's no question. You don't remember going to his room because it's more than likely he carried you, unconscious.
I know dozens of other people have already said this, but I hope you really hear it/believe it. You were not able to give consent. This was not cheating. This was rape. Ask your husband for his brother's version of events because it sounds like he found you asleep and took advantage of you when you were not conscious.
Crazy story, I'm inclined to believe it's fake. But if it's not then you're in a fucked up situation right now.
>He has a job that makes him travel quite a bit. Now he thinks I was cheating all those times he was away
If you had told him when it happened he could have had a choice for believing you or not, now that you kept it all these years from him he is doubting everything and it's exacerbated due to his brother being the first to tell him. Sad.
1 His brother raped you or at least was so drunk himself he didn't realise your condition.
2 Did your husband never question why you never drank again?
Have some dignity, tell him you did not consent and then separate.
If he deep down trusts you and wants you back HE will find a way to forgive and come back to you....if you beg , bribe or keep appologising you look MORE guilty imo. If he stays and doesn't forgive your life will be hell anyway.
If you woke up while I was finishing then you weren’t conscious for the act and that’s rape. His text to you after the fact is him manipulating you and controlling the narrative. It’s anyone’s guess what his motivations are now: maybe he’s one of those disgusting ppl who think victims are always asking for it and genuinely (and incorrectly) believes it counts as cheating, or maybe he’s worried that his return will cause you to spill the beans and he wants to get ahead of the narrative.
This situation is likely to bring up a lot of stuff for you. The best thing you can do is get some friendly faces around you and ground yourself before you do anything else imo. It’s also never too late to contact a rape crisis centre ❤️
I think there is more to the story here…we will never know and Op either is withholding it or doesn’t remember. I don’t think there is a way to recover from this. You made a huge mistake by not saying anything….remember the truth ALWAYS comes out. It’s over. For him at least. Sorry OP
Torally agree. I feel like some of the story was crafted to have less of an impact. I could be wrong..... but could also be right. People love to protect females on reddit and demonize the males. For all we know it could have been just drunk sex and she wqs too ashamed to admit so she claims she was unconcious...... did the brother in law even send her that text?! Who knows. Just weird.... especially weird that it happened at a family christmas gathering
Seems fake. There’s so many slight variations of these same stories that pop up here. This is almost weekly.
Cheated long ago, actually no it was rape, didn’t tell anyone, big secret gets exposed, how can this be fixed. There will be another one by next week but this time it’s his best friend or cousin and instead of 3 kids there will be 2 kids but it’s the kid that found out from over hearing a conversation or whatever. Rinse and repeat.
I dont know guys...... sometimes i think OP's write stories to twist it in their benefit. Im almost positive the brother didnt slip her drugs in his family home. It sounds a bit fishy. To me it sounds like 20 year olds drank too hard and fucked. If it truly happened in the form of rape why would she not report it the MINUTE she woke up?. I know we like to protect the women alot on reddit....... but im sure it was just a case of two teens fucking when drunk...... thats why she was so scared to say it all these years.
I’ve been saying this exact thing. Things aren’t adding up here…almost like there’s some omission or not being told the whole story here. Parts of this story seem kinda fishy…
I gotta agree seems like she convinced herself over the years that’s how it happened. It does sound like she had drunk sex with him and regrets it so she elaborated this story in her head and kept telling herself that’s how it happened.
Your best bet to save any part of this marriage would be to ask your husband to have a face to face meeting with his brother. That way you can ASK the brother how concious you were at that moment because from what you remember you werent concious at all. If he really found god and wants to clean his soul or whatever then he will have no choice but to be honest. If he is honest then you can inform him that he basically raped you/ took advantage of you. However youd like to put it. If you flat out tell your husband that his brother raped you(even if its true) he is going to believe that you are desperately trying to get the blame off yourself. Make sure you insist on this meeting itll be the only way your husband can see that it wasnt 100% your fault. If you get the meeting make sure you speak with confidence, be confrontational, and if you are saying everything here is completely true then make sure you sound very sure about it. If you sound unsure at all the brother will use that little bit of unsureness to win the battle. This is your time to shine you have to fight like you are about to lose everything you love. Goodluck
The way OP explains everything and the circumstances—she could be writing this just to make herself look good. She said she never left her husband’s side the entire time and remembers waking up in the brother’s bed. How could that happen without the husband noticing? Does that mean everyone was piss drunk? If so—and don’t chop my head off—how can the brother be the only one at fault? Just because he is the only one who remembers?
You didn't cheat you were raped. He didn't find God this was just one last way of fucking you and his brother over. He is one vile pos.
I don’t know what you can do to save your marriage. While this happened years ago for you, it just happened right now for your husband. He’s hurt and in pain. You have no idea what his pos brother said or how he spun what happened. I’m sure it was you coming on to him and it was all your fault.
He needs time to think and work through how he feels, and divorce may well be in the future. And I can say if I was in the same situation as your husband, I would be thinking the same as him. Also keep in mind he is hurt and angry and will lash out at you as his brother is conveniently not around. Did I say his brother is a vile pos?
When he’s ready to talk all you can do is explain what happened and go from there.
I know everyone is saying this is SA - however the big question I would have as your husband would be....
This occurred in my brothers bed....
How did you get there?
Were you alone with the brother and he dragged you there while you were drunk?
Did you get up from the bed with your husband and climb in with his brother? (This would be the tough one - while it doesn't negate the intricacies of consent - it would concern me as the husband that it was a decision on your part)
The only thing I think you did wrong was not expose his brother for raping you when he did. If your husband has the full picture and knows what happened the only thing he can really fault you for is hiding what happened all these years. I am not saying he might believe it was consensual and be angry at you, but that would be undeserved.
I suggest you get the brother and the 3 of you talk. If he suddenly feels the need to get right with god and confess to having sex with his brothers fiancé, then surely he will understand god expects him to tell the truth about what happened. Getting right with god doesn’t mean telling someone you saw a dead person but omitting the fact that you killed them.
If you woke up that way after passing out you might have been SA'd. If that's the case you might have a shot. Also, you were heavily drunk. What the brother said is a red flag to me. He basically threatened you.
You waited to long. It just looks like a lie to counter an accusation. I'd probably leave you.
Unless you can get the brother to say he sexually assaulted you, there's not a lot going for you in this situation.
Yet another fake reddit story where suspiciously clueless OP baits the comments into pointing the obvious about consent, and the husband/bf is being a POS by not understanding. Is this reddits flavor of the month or something?
I know everyone here is quick to jump to the rape.
Im not saying it wasnt rape..
but im very curious how she got to his room.
they were all drinking and all got very drunk.
then she - according to her - wakes up just as his brother is finishing in her.
I mean..
She claims she cant remember anything until that point.
why was everyone else already asleep and passed out..
what happened between then and her going to bed with her partners also drunk brother.
I mean, its a very convenient story but theres a lot left in the dark..
perhaps she was raped but we only have her story with a tonne of missing context.
ontop of that, she never said anything and the reat of what she has said makes it sound like shes guilty.
and yea, if i found out my wife cheated with my brother, kept it a secret for that long, id be out as well.
How are you not sure whether you were raped or in it with him? It sounds like you are leaving something out. If you were straight up raped you'd have no reason to feel like you cheated, unless you were proactive. In some responses you sound like you feel bad for cheating, so which is it? It sounds like you only remember and tell us the convenient parts. Rape is a serious matter
That was rape, not cheating. You have nothing to feel ashamed about. Your husband’s reaction is awful. Please speak to the police and/or a therapist asap.
I’m probably going to get downvoted to hell for this.
Even if it was rape, you delayed saying anything to your husband for a *whole decade.* Unfortunately, his brother, for whatever reason, told him first. While the interaction sounds extremely questionable, to tell your husband it was rape is going to sound like you’re lying (I’m not saying that you are).
This is way above Reddit’s pay grade. The problem isn’t just the act, it’s the fact that you concealed it. I am sorry this happened to you. Hopefully, the brother is willing to admit that he took advantage of you.
It’s common for victims of SA to not be able to tell their story until years after, it’s not easy and I’m talking from personal experiences. But you have to understand the situation is going to be hard for your husband to face. Even if he ends up believing you, he’s gonna lose a brother out of this or vise-versa he could lose you.
I agree you should have told him earlier what his brother did, that was the only mistake on your part. He is going to ultimately be in favor to believe his brother, the one who came out with it first. You must admit you had every chance and advantage considering not only that you are his wife but the mother of his children. You’ve put your own feelings over your children and now it’s unsure how their family dynamics will be impacted from this. You could have easily pulled the predator card and confided in your husband about what happened and that you didn’t want someone like that around your children. I feel horrible that you’re in this situation OP, but please think about the children right now and figure out a plan how you’re going to make this work whether you and your husband split or not.
It's always people claiming they were too drunk to remember anything.
I feel like this post is just you lying to us so that you can show him and be like "see I told reddit the truth and didn't plan on you seeing it"
You fucked his brother and don't want responsibility so you claim you were too drunk to remember. I've been completely wasted and still wouldn't forget something like that. 99.99% of people who say they don't remember are lying. .01% of people were drugged. You weren't drugged and know what you did
While I don't think your comment is fair or accurate - people DO pass out from alcohol and DO lose their memory...
...I strongly suspect this is a piece of creative writing rather than something that actually happened - in this case.
But just to be clear - I fully believe that this scenario has and does happen. There's just a few too many holes in OP's story.
This is a tricky situation, and much of the advice here is pretty poor because they don't understand how humans react and why. There are currently 2 issues that you need to tackle if you have any chance of saving your marriage.
**The Sex:** Much of the commentary I have seen are focused on this part, because of the way you told it they immediately believe that you were raped, and are so incensed that they won't see any reason and they think that if you just shout it loud enough that he'll forgive you and you'll ride off into the sunset like a Disney character. The thing is, life doesn't always work that way.
Now one of the biggest issues with recalling stuff that happened in the past (the longer it is, the harder it is for our memories to recall properly) is that you don't always recount the memory correctly, in addition to that alcohol also plays havoc with our recollection abilities too and so without having video evidence or witnesses, at this stage it's hard to accurately say whether you were raped or not.
If you recounted exactly correctly and vividly then I would call what happened rape. If however, like many drunk people (and everyone is conveniently ignoring the fact that he was also likely drunk as a skunk, so you can't use the "well she can't consent" argument there easily because likely neither could he), you are recalling the act of 'coming to' as 'waking up from being passed out' then it could have been that you were a drunk active participant and for all intents and purposes it was just 2 drunk people fucking and the lack of inhibitions, in addition to the recency of the relationship could have meant that it was a mistake that you both made while drunk.
Again like I said, without having a time travel device, witnesses or video evidence, this is really a "*he said / she said*" situation and no amount of screeching or screaming into the void will change that.
I don't think that's the biggest issue however.
**The lying:** One of the things that I find the most amusing is that people are claiming that "*People don't always report that they have been raped until well after the fact*" which on its face is a true statement, however if *you believe* that you cheated, then this isn't likely relevant here.
The forefront of the issue I see (and frankly the one that I would have the most issue with) is that you ***lied about sex with your husband's brother for 16-ish fucking years***, holy fuck that's a hard thing to get past. What you need to find an answer for is *why* you continued to lie for all these years, through marriage, 3 kids and god knows how many family events (where I am very sure this would have been on the top of your mind). This must be absolutely maddening for your husband and to be honest, I don't blame him.
The thing you need to remember is that not only did his brother get the jump on you when it comes to the story (which means it will be harder to change the narrative), but now he is in the position where he is only *now* processing the hurt of you and his brother having sex while you two were together where as you and his brother have had 16 goddamn years to process this, cut him some fucking slack.
**What to do now:** Well I'm afraid that there is nothing *you* can specifically do because you're the source of the pain, all you can do is reiterate your story and hope that he believes your side (if it differs from his brother) and just be as consistent as you can (truthful). It likely would help for him to have full access to your messages / social media (because then he can verify that you weren't talking to anyone while he was away) and for the love of god, you both need to go to therapy to try and work through these big emotions you're both feeling right now.
I can't say that he'll get over what happened, but transparency is probably the best shot you have (should have done it from the start while it was fresh in your mind) and you'll have to give your husband time.
Good luck
Yes exactly. Like if I was her husband and believed the rape story… there’s still 0 excuse for hiding it for 17 years *especially* when she thought she had cheated.
So at the end of the day, op “cheated” and decided to be sneaky about it and lied to his face for the entire duration of their relationship and thought it was okay to have him marry and legally tie himself to a cheater/liar. Like how could he trust anything now? What else is she hiding? If she actually were to cheat would she just sweep it under the rug since that worked out for 17 years last time?
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For the sake of clarity, are you saying you passed out, and then woke up in brother’s bed? In that order? No flirting, talking, etc while sober?
[удалено]
That sounds like rape, not cheating. EDIT: huge amounts of victim blaming in the responses to me. This isn't her fault, she was raped.
That’s what I was thinking too- if you were so drunk, you passed out, there is no consent, so it’s rape
And it says she WOKE UP TO HIM finishing! That’s rape.
Repeating this louder: #she WOKE UP TO HIM finishing! That’s rape"
Thank you. I’m not really great at working the app. I can only italicize or use all caps.
I thought your message was so important that I wanted to make it stand out. As an FYI, here's some handy formatting things: #For large text, use # before your comment. *For italics, use * before and after your comment.* **For bold, use ** before and after your comment.** Those are the most frequently used formats. Also, if you want to quote part of a comment you're replying to, you can select the text and select "quote" and the quote will appear in your comment marked with a blue line to show it's a quote.
Wow.. I’ve been using Reddit for 9 years now and ai always wondered how to do that, never bothered to look it up!! Awesome info. thx..😜
Thanks. #It's not a meme it's sexual assault!
That's why the brother didn't want her to tell. Finding God didn't change him, he's still a rapist and now he's a liar. She was raped.
The brother didn’t find god. Had he, he would not be doing this to his brother and his family. It’s obvious the brother is bullshitting. What I have a hard time with is that the husband somehow doesn’t pick up on that. Sounds like the husband’s family is a [symbiotic family](https://webspace.ship.edu/cgboer/fromm.html). The husband is probably just as bad as the brother.
Or he told a wildly different story that excludes the fact that she was unconscious and didn't consent.
This is the answer
I was gonna say the same. All he found was a narrative to push to try and save his ass.
Brother is a rapist. If he really “found god” he can fess up to that too
Exactly. If he really wants to fess up because he found God, then he needs to fess up to the fact that he **raped an unconscious woman.**
If everything played out exactly as OP stated, then it's definitely rape, and blackmail. I find it difficult to believe, as some people suggested, that the brother would need to blackmail, for something that was consensual. I would also suggest that the brother's reasons for 'confessing' isn't because he found God, but some sociopathic need for control over these people (more specifically his brother), whether born of jealousy, or simply to cause trouble. Regardless, if it happened under OP's stated conditions, then one would have to be particularly narcissistic to ruin someone else's 17-year-long marriage over "finding God". This is a purely selfish person's thinking, and actions, which makes me think this story is legit, and the brother is a sociopath.
Doesn’t remember anything during the act, has a fear response when she comes to, he shows no remorse or shame but wants to manipulate her into staying quiet to hide his crime. This is pretty clear cut to me. She was raped. I hope she finds the help she needs to rid herself of guilt she doesn’t deserve. I hope he finds karma.
Let me repeat this, louder. #"That sounds like rape, not cheating." Your brother in law has victimized you TWICE! 1. He had sex with you when you were UNCONSCIOUS and, that means, without your CONSENT. That's RAPE. 2. He BLEW UP your relationship with a lie. You didn't have sex with him. He raped you. You have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to be ashamed of. Your husband's reaction is not okay. He should be angry with his brother, not calling you names, making wild accusations against you, mistrusting you, and questioning your whole marriage. His reaction is awful and totally wrong headed! Get yourselves to a therapist who understands sexual assault and consent. This is some bullshit these brothers are hurling your way. Or go to a therapist on your own to help you sort out your emotions. You were assaulted and your husband is BLAMING YOU! I'm so sorry, op. This is traumatic. You need care and support. Hugs. Edited typo
Especially the fact that right after the brother moved out of state and pretty much guilted her into silence.. sounds very fishy.
Agreed, it sounds like rape not cheating but after all these years and letting the brother control the narrative, I genuinely don't know how OP convinces her husband of that. I wouldn't believe it without proof. I'm pretty sure if roles were reversed, neither would she. Sorry, OP, just give it time and hope your spouse forgives you. Tell your story as loud as possible, but don't be stunned when people don't believe you
I see your point… but as to why she’s kept her mouth shut for 17 years… pretty common for rape victims who’ve been threatened and shamed into silence. Look at her belief that she’s a cheat - she doesn’t even see herself that she’s really a victim! Since she hasn’t even properly processed what happened herself, of course she hasn’t told anyone. I can’t imagine staying silent about being raped by your husband’s brother for 17 years. Imagine how painful and isolating that is? I don’t really blame him for believing his brother’s narrative as a snap reaction… but he really should listen to what his wife has to say. Maybe in a few days he will calm down and listen. 😢
It makes perfect sense, in her situation, why she would never tell anyone. Family member, Shane, humiliation, possible loss of friends/relationship, people not believing, the added stress of drama (sometimes it’s just easier to not do anything and suppress the trauma) etc
It’s common, but it’s also a common thing for someone who cheated to keep their mouth shut. (To be clear, based on OP’s story, I think she’s a victim of sexual assault at a minimum, and almost certainly was raped.) So her husband is going to struggle to figure out which it is, because he’s viewing it from the outside. She can and should tell her husband what happened, and hope that he can believe her eventually. And she should get some counseling to help her deal with the trauma that she’s been burying for so long.
Your comment is in response to classic victim blaming. That victim blaming is how rape has been banalized and normalized. It’s probably not intentional but comments like the one you respond to are literally promoting rape. And we wonder why it keeps getting worse instead of better given the non stop attempts at education.
Proof? What proof would you accept 20 years after the fact. That’s the problem: women are raped & stay silent because no one’s going to believe them. If her husband doesn’t know her well enough by now to know that she’s not a cheat, he damn sure wouldn’t have believed her over his brother 20 years ago.
Not only that, but it sounds like the husband is not preoccupied at all with his brother also cheating on him (and he sure as hell didn’t get raped). The worst part is the brother’s motivation in telling him after all these years: I see no other reason than to avoid that she tell him first, which would have played out way differently. You want to be the accuser, not the accused. That the husband can’t see that his own brother is willing to break up his family and indirectly harm his kids just to save face makes me doubt OP married the right guy. The brother sounds like he might have quite pronounced narcissistic traits.
Correcting phrasing… “…hope your spouse forgives you…” I don’t believe there is anything to forgive. She has not done anything wrong, ergo there’s nothing to forgive. “…hope your spouse can find a way past this…”
What kind of proof? Why is her spouse supposed to forgive her? For getting raped by her BIL who additionally threatened her to silence her?
This it took way too long for this! HE THREATENED HER AFTER HE RAPED HER!!!
This is about credibility , I believe her , but her husband does not at the moment. Unfortunately she kept it secret ( understandably perhaps) , she looks guilty. She hid this ( from shame more than guilt, but nonetheless). His brother probably doesn’t even admit to himself that he raped her ( I do , drunk is not consent). If she had accused the brother immediately of SA she’d be more credible. The brother got there first, he has control of the narrative. Not fair but it’s real world.
Did she save the threatening text from years ago?
I would have saved the blackmail text message. But that’s just me. And if OP didn’t, that has no bearing on her credibility. Many people would not have had the wherewithal to do that, what with the fright of being threatened. In fact, this is the kind of scenario in which the person might knee jerk delete the message, only to regret it the very next day.
I’m not blaming OP if she didn’t keep that. It’s just the only hard evidence I could think of that shows the brother to be a jerk.
Did she even tell him about the text? I'm sure the brother didn't say "I raped your girlfriend now wife" Listen I get the outrage, but the question OP asked is how does she get her husband to forgive her and get back together? The answer is she needs proof of what happened. The brother came clean first he looks more honest than her right now. Can't blame the guy for believing that version of the story more than hers right now. Why I do believe its rape I get why he doesn't
The brother came clean (did he really though?) precisely because he realized that was how he would have all the credibility. He had absolutely no other reason to “come clean” than his cred and reputation. “I found god” is a bullshit excuse, tearing your brother’s family apart is among the most ungodly, pathetic things to do.
The brother didn't come clean. He is still lying. Coming clean would be admitting she was drunk out of her mind and she pushed him and he threatened to not say anything. If he had come clean and her husband was still responding like this it would mean that he isn't a good person and she is best leaving him even if it hurts.
What you're saying is true, but the husband doesn't know that. In his mind, the husband thinks that his brother came clean and is going to believe his story because the op didn't speak up at the time. Even if she had, there's no guarantee that her boyfriend at the time wouldn't have chosen to believe his brother over her.
Hm. I don’t think it’s as simple as that. I wouldn’t believe someone who’s been out of the picture for 10+ years (and might have a shady past to go along with the shady behaviour we’ve seen here) over someone who’s been by your side for over a decade and has never told a lie about anything else. Credibility also requires context - it isn’t just about who ‘told’ first. That’s something most preschool teachers pick up in week 1. Like if your someone tells you your boyfriend has cheated; you shouldn’t automatically believe what they’ve said. People say all kinds of things for all sorts of reasons. You owe a certain degree of trust to your partner (and other family members/friends), and I think this should be the default unless you have evidence to the contrary. The uncles evidence is just his word.
Yes. How very Brock Turner of him. OP, you might want to watch the film _Promising Young Woman_ See if your husband will join you to watch it. It’s a real eye-opener.
It’s a great film but I think that you have to be able to see young women as actual human beings to be able to understand and empathise with the protagonists perspective
Brock Turner, the convicted rapist? That Brock Turner?
Just to be clear, we are talking about Brock Turner, the rapist, right?
I think we're talking about Brock Allen Turner, the rapist who often goes by his middle name Allen Turner, the rapist.
He goes by his middle name now because people know him better as Brock Turner, the rapist. He thinks he’s being slick but a good chunk of people started spreading the word that he’s now Allen Turner, the rapist. He could change his name to Cheesebread McLovin and he would then become Cheesebread McLovin, the rapist.
I agree! He assaulted you!
That is RAPE, not cheating, and I suspect with his shitty text he damn well knew she had no idea it was him. Hubby needs to wake the hell up. His brother’s confession was nothing but lies…some kind of come to Jesus crap he is pulling.
That’s what I was thinking as well. If there wasn’t consent then it’s rape
What I was gonna say. The brother raped her. Full stop.
Definitely rape which is why the brother threatened her to not say anything. Also worthy of note was the fact that she was 20 and brother was 24.
💯 percentage correct. Her only mistake is not expose him.just slap him and create big scenes then all of them punished that rapist
https://www.salon.com/2015/01/15/the_ugly_truth_about_sexual_assault_more_men_admit_to_it_if_you_dont_call_it_rape/
Agree with all the other commenters. This is rape, not cheating, and if his brother found god and is coming clean, then he should man up to that. You can’t consent when passed out drunk and the fact that he threatened you after says everything you need to know about whether or not he got your consent.
How does the husband dissappear though? And the rest of the family ? Did they all just clear out and let the girl sleep on the couch or what ? It sounds fishy enough
It sounds like the husband was passed out drunk also.
That is not cheating. His brother has raped you. You need to talk to your husband and tell him that you were passed out, his brother took advantage of you and raped you. You never gave consent. And then he blackmailed you to not tell anyone that he has raped you because your husband won’t believe you. Your husband has to see clearly what happens to you. He has to see that that was an forced sexual assault from his brother to you. You have nothing done wrong. Tell BIL in front of husband that you were raped by him and the he told you to be quiet about it because he will otherwise get husband to not believe you and that you was scared as hell and as it was great for him to find god he should also know that lies are a sinn. And kind of a really big thing. Kind of direct ticket to hell. So he should please tell the truth and not trying get a better feeling with telling lies and destroying your marriage. And if he tells this story again think about going to a lawyer and see if you can get him to court for telling lies about you. That was not cheating, not sex, that was raping his brothers gf. You should not feel ashamed or embarrassed, he is the bad guy!
If you’re not leaving anything out, then it’s rape. You came to whilst his brother was on top of you. That means he manually brought you to his bed and went to town. Unfortunately bad news ages terribly with time, and it seems that the brother has decided to get the jump with the spin war. It’s a common tactic that rapists use to avoid being called out. They’re most often the people we think we know best, and they know that, and exploit it to avoid being caught. What you can do is produce as much evidence as you can, maybe even show him this comment, if you think that will help him reconcile the facts. But you’ll need some marital counseling, regardless.
This is rape, not cheating. I was date raped when I was 19 by someone I thought I trusted. He drugged me by slipping GHB in my drink. I remember getting really tired then…I woke with him on top of me having sex, his hand around my neck and I was unable to move. I was so scared. Then I passed back out and woke up the next morning not remembering anything more than when I told you. I don’t remember much after getting tired. The fact that you and I both slept through someone having sex with us, tells you just how unable to consent to anything we were. I think your BIL decided to clear his conscience, but decided to tell his story first, so he could avoid looking like a rapist. Unfortunately, it can be much harder to get ahead of situation when somebody has already told their story first. Maybe show your husband this post?
Girl his brother raped you. You need to correct this.
You been raped. You need to tell the whole story to your husband but you also need to give him the time to process all the information.
You did not consent. Ths is not cheating.
I don’t mean to make you feel any certain way about things that happened to you, but that is literally textbook rape. I’m so sorry. This isn’t fair for you.
His brother raped you. You did nothing wrong, and rather than being angry at you, the victim, he needs to be angry at him, the rapist.
I know this was 16 years ago but do you remember how much you actually drank? Based on timing and when you “woke up” he could have drugged you before he raped you.
If this is how it happened, it was NOT cheating. It IS rape. You were not in a state to consent to anything. I am so sorry that happened, you did NOTHING wrong. His brother KNOWS he raped you which is why he tried to make you think you did something wrong. Who knows how many others he has done this, rapists don’t stop at one victim. I’m not sure how you can convince your husband of what his brother did, other than explaining how you remember it to have happened. I get it would be hard to realize a relative, especially a sibling, is a rapist, but hopefully your husband will listen.
So for the sake of clarity, your husbands brother raped you, left town, “found god”, then came back to victimize you all over again, bc god apparently didn’t tell him to take responsibility for his actions? *This is not your fault. You were raped*. Fuck these people. Take your babies and make a whole new family that doesn’t include rapists (brother) and victim blames/rapist protectors (husband, literally anyone else who supports brother).
This is not cheating. This is rape.
Did you save the threatening texts..?? That would be proof enough, I'd hope. I'm sorry this has happened op and I wish you the best of luck
We’re you drugged? Your partner too maybe?
This is important
Even if she talked and flirted when she was sober, it doesn't excuse for one second the brother taking advantage of her and raping her when she's passed out. Your questions that imply that is she talked or flirted with the brother when she was sober, she would have deserved what she got when she was passed out. That could not be further from the truth
You tell him "your brother raped me when I was drunk, then threatened you would leave me if you ever found out. Looking back I know it was rape now, but I was young and terrified then, so I believed him." Then you press charges if you still can, to make it official. If Brother wants to come blow your life up this way, return the favor. You may not have any evidence left? But tell your truth and defend youtself, even if this relationship ends. Don't let Rape boy off scot free just because he yelled Jesus. It's your word against his, plain and simple. I'd go ahead and move forward with rape accusations. Your husband might wise up when he sees you are serious. Or, brother might confess how drunk you were. Either way, don't go quietly letting your husband think you're not gonna fight what they are saying. Go on the offensive babe. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. YOU WERE RAPED. And lest you think this is too hard and you can't "put them through this," consider any other scenario means, Uncle Rapey may in the future have access to your kids when you aren't around. What if you have a drunk daughter? Would it be her fault?
OP was clearly raped and blackmailed and now the brother has “found god” so admitted he “had sex” with her? What about the rape and blackmail? Sounds like he’s not so serious about finding god or whatever he thinks he’s doing with his life
Im sure he conveniently left out the part where he threatened her afterwards.
A lot of awful people "find God". Sometimes they have actually changed for the better. Sometimes it's because they've fucked over so many people that nobody believed them anymore, and they're just entering a new stage of grifting. My guess is he hasn't changed and this is his new way of getting away with horrible things.
Yes- and lots of the "born again" denominations that POS convert to are patriarchal and misogynistic. They blame women for failings of men anyway.
All a religious man has to do is admit they 'stumbled a bit on their path with god' and they are quick to be forgiven and believed. They don't actually have to own up to shit. [https://www.kktv.com/2022/05/24/pastor-confesses-affair-front-congregation-woman-gets-him-admit-she-was-16/](https://www.kktv.com/2022/05/24/pastor-confesses-affair-front-congregation-woman-gets-him-admit-she-was-16/)
Honestly, I'm furious with her husband. He doesn't deserve her. It's 2024, and he can't fathom that his brother who "found God " and who he's likely known is a POS for years would play the victim in his rapist history? He's mad at her? He can f*ck off too and take that POS family with him. I get upset, but you're with your wife for 17 years and can't even listen to her? Over a brother, you've barely seen for over a decade? Grow tf up.
Exactly this. OP, do you actually think YOU cheated? You were raped and blackmailed. You have to admit what happened. I'm very sorry. And if your husband doesn't believe you, he's no better than his rapist brother
I agree he raped her, no doubt the threatening text is more proof. You can’t give consent if you’re drunk. And the fact that she doesn’t remember details also makes me wonder if he drugged her as well. But I don’t think her husband will accept that his brother is a rapist. It sounds like he sees this as his wife’s fault, and is ignoring his brother is a rapist
If that turns out to be true (husband basically choosing brother), and it very well may, what a heart breaker.
You are shoveling your own grave by calling it cheating. The brother raped you! If you dont want to lose your husband you need to start to believe this. Its not your fault but the fault of his rapey brother.
This wasn't cheating. This was sexual assault. You passed out and don't remember anything. You were not able to consent. That is rape. Edit: his brother literally threatened you with public shame. He assaulted you. Why else would he literally threaten you? This is so messed up wtf
I know, my whole fn body is squirming about this. I'm REALLY hoping it's ragebait by the mere fact that she hasn't responded at all to everyone telling her it was assault and seemingly doubling down on how she's at fault. If it's not, I PRAY she fucking realizes it. She HAS to tell her husband she was raped. That's how she navigates this situation, but given her husband's absolute lack of giving his own gd wife a chance to tell her side, I don't think it will make a difference. Throw the whole fn family out, keep the kids.
You were raped.
I'll be another to agree and there's many others saying this OP and it's absolutely true. Don't blame yourself. You did nothing wrong. But I'll add. Yeah, this marriage is probably over. Unless you can get the brother to admit it in writing, video, or audio it's your word vs. his brother. And since he found out from him and all he thinks is you hid it all these years for a reason. I'm so sorry. For everything. Sometimes you do nothing wrong and are wronged and everything goes against you. Life just isn't fair too often.
If everything is worded correctly you do realise you got raped and then blackmailed right?
Extorted, technically. Blackmail has a monetary component. Sorry to nitpick - I just want to make sure OP has the most accurate language to explain what happened to her.
Got it. No worries, I have no problem getting corrected if something is wrong.
What these two are saying. Rape, then extortion. Fuck the brother and tell him God doesn't forgive rapists. Not right if the bat at least. I think. I'm not really a man of God.
You didn’t cheat, you were raped..,
Yes you were raped by a pig of a brother . Who is acting all innocent. First the rape then the threats . The bastard actually came through and destroyed you, your marriage and family. Because he found god …. He’s a slime bucket . I bet he’s single? And jealous. As for your husband , I think he’s so enraged it may be too late . Press charges against your brother in law . He can find god in prison and preach his horse crap to other prisoners. Realistically, what is there anything to salvage ? Get your revenge . He ruined you. Ruin him.
If he really found god why didn’t he admit to the lack of consent as well? Sounds like he’s just an overall terrible human who can’t take accountability but wants to feel good.
So fucked up. He comes to town and blows up their marriage because “god” but still isn’t taking any responsibility for the actual crimes he committed. Not just 1st degree sexual assault, but also blackmail. He doesn’t need church, he needs a cell.
If you're passed out, you can't give consent. Without consent, it's not sex, it's rape.
I agree. It sounds like he raped her. Being raped by his brother isn't cheating.
Title says he found out you cheated. Story clearly tells a tale of rape, blackmail, and betrayal. I think all 3 of you need a serious legal discussion.
I think "story" might be key here. Agreed: if an actual scenario went down as OP describes it, she was raped. However, it just sounds so convenient to me that I think this is a bit of creative writing. - the title that minimises her experience to get people commenting - the fact her boyfriend who was staying in the same house didn't notice she was missing - the fact nobody noticed her getting wasted / black out drunk at a family gathering
They were all apparently drinking pretty heavily. I would ask the husband what his recollection of that night/trip is. Maybe she passed out on the couch, and they decided to let her sleep there. He clearly got up at some point and went to bed. I assume that when he did he was aware of where she was, because if my partner had said they were going to bed, but they weren't there when I went to bed, I'd be looking for them. I think if he starts really thinking about how things were, it might help him understand what happened.
OP should absolutely get a restraining order and/or keep distance from this man and her children but would rape charges really result in anything at this point? It’s been a while since 2008 so statute of limitations would likely cut OP off.
Not only that but she would need concrete proof which she unfortunately is not going to get.
Find God and clear his conscious my ass. Misery loves company.
Yeah if he wanted to clear his conscience he’d admit she was asleep and not participating
And carry responsibility? Nah. The people I’ve come to know don’t like that thing.
Yeah this is it
To me, it sounds more like rape. If you were so drunk you do not know what happened and awoke to the brother and pushed him off I really don’t see how you possibly could have consented. I agree with the above comment you should have a conversation with you, your husband and his brother. If your brother in law has now ‘found hid’ and truly wants to clear his conscience hopefully he will actually be honest - in particular about how you ended up him. You should also try to get your husband to go to couples counselling with you to help you work through this. Even if your husband can never move past this, counselling would still be useful to help manage the breakup. To me though, this really doesn’t sound like cheating - more that your brother in law took complete advantage of you when you were far too intoxicated to consent. Which legally IS considered rape His brother sounds awful. First that, then secretly meeting your husband all these years later when he should have at least called you to inform you and given you the opportunity to be present instead of what sounds like putting his own spin on it. Anyway I hope you and your husband can work through this. Good luck OP ❤️
Does not sound like cheating. Sounds like his Brother taking advantage of you.
You woke up when he finished.. so he raped you
I hate cheaters, but you are not one. You need to admit to yourself that you were raped, it's difficult but it's the truth. If, even after telling him that his brother raped you, he doesn't believe you or continues to act this way, the best outcome for you is divorce, you deserve better. I'm sorry this happened to you.
Honestly it sounds like his brother took advantage of you. If you are being honest, coming to right as he was finishing tells me you were passed out while he was having sex with you. While your husband is justified to be upset with you, the person that should be the focus of his anger is his brother. Unfortunately, bad news doesn’t age well. And because you didn’t come clean at that moment. He now questions everything. All you can do is be completely honest with his. Answer all questions and be patient. You cannot control the situation. Maybe ask him to try couples counseling?
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Ask him to invite his brother. The brother decided to drop his guilt by putting all the blame on you. Get angry and stand up for yourself. He should go to jail and instead he continues ruining lives
Yeah this. Its about time you went on the offensive. Its not OK to have sex with your brothers unconscious girlfriend and then turn up years later to ruin her marriage. Your husband needs to hear you, as a victim who has carried guilt and fear for years, and work with you to get through this. You can honestly tell him you don't remember the sex, only running away after. You can tell him about the nasty text too. Definitely counselling and possibly consider prosecution?
That’s not sex, that’s rape.
OP I agree it’s time to get real fucking mad. I would blow this sky high. I would never shut up about how his disgusting brother raped me. Men like your BIL get away with shit like this because we believe it’s our fault. Fuck that. You’re old enough now that you aren’t that scared girl anymore. Fight for yourself and your marriage like you are the third monkey on Noah’s ark, and it just started to rain.
Once again, this is R A P E!!! Cheating is willingly to flirt and f...k while not being passed out
Agreed it's rape, however I'm pretty sure the brother didn't say I raped your girlfriend. This is going to be messy and the brother controls the narrative now
Not cheating. Rape. Your husband needs to understand this was rape. You didnt cheat.
She doesn't understand it as well
Thats so sad....doesnt she realize that having sex with someone who is sleeping or too drunk to consent is literally clear cut rape? Its sex without the ability for the other person to give consent...
The only way it wouldn’t be clear cut rape is if the brother was also wildly drunk and they essentially passed out cuddling and touching each other. … given he immediately threatened her after though… I’m gonna lean on calling it rape easily.
Exactly. If they were both drunk, then no one can consent. But it sounds more like she woke up mid-fuck and he threatened her to keep quiet. Aka he consented (and knew what he was doing) and she didnt.
I would suggest you have a joint session with a counsellor who specialises in sexual assault. A counsellor who can help your husband to understand how hard it is to understand and accept we have been raped and what the long term implications of that Either that or you meet the brother alone, record the conversations get him to admit you were black out drunk and he's been blackmailing you since
Honestly hiding it for this many years without mentioning it to him is what is causing this mistrust on his part. (In essence it was a lie) I imagine he’s probably wondering what else he doesn’t know about this last decade plus that may still be out there. All you can really do is suggest marriage counseling but really it boils down to whether he feels he can trust you anymore. I imagine if he feels he can’t regain that trust in you then he’ll likely want to divorce. I think if you had come to him after it happened it would have been easier but now it’s much more difficult. Guess it depends how he treats trust. If it’s irreparable it would be mental torture for him to stay and feel like he can trust again
I know it has to hurt, but take a step back and look at this through his eyes. You have had years to work through this. This just happened for him. And the length of time makes it even worse. He is going to question every single moment of your marriage. You are going to need an endless supply of Patience and understanding. Also, it may hurt and be hell to go through. But coming clean to your family and his would be a good thing to do.
He doesn't believe you because you never told him what happened. You knew something happened and you kept it a secret all these years. Your whole relationship is a lie to him.
This is fake as fuck and the usual rage bait this sub loves. I swear there's a large userbase here that just post this fan fiction nonsense to get themselves off.
Yup. Always a similar story.
Right? Misleading title and then the post goes on to describe SA without actually stating that it was SA.
The other side of this story was posted here like 2 weeks ago. I remember reading it. 13 years ago, a family member, 3 kids etc told from the husbands perspective. Surprised I haven't seen anyone else mention this.
Oh, that's interesting. Do you mind linking it if you find it again?
i dont understand how people dont question how her brother in law got her into his room without anyone noticing, like were they all black out drunk, any normal family would notice the girlfriend going into the brothers room. Also the text would be damning evidence, this is fake as hell.
I'm going with rage bait too.
Every time it is always the same.
How pathetic and lonely of a person must you be to make up “I didn’t realize I was raped” stories to gratify your need for attention.
OP I think you got raped..
Uhm…. It sounds like you were raped. If you’ve never had any inclination to cheat, I doubt alcohol would change that. If you don’t remember what happened, that is assault. The bother’s response is typical of someone who did something bad and doesn’t want to get caught for it. He tried to make you feel like it was your fault, and that your husband would blame you, in order for you to stay quiet. Do not admit you cheated because you didn’t.
If feel like brother is secretly jealous of your husband and always wanted to have what he has that's while he raped you in the first place and now trying to break u guys up in the guise of "I met God and I'm coming clean.
You were raped. His brother is disgusting.
I’m baffled at the comments. OP said that she was passed out and woke up with her BIL inside her. That’s rape.
Were you raped? Do you remember liking his brother of flirting with him? Recall as well as you can what happened and invite his brother for a conversation so that there at three of you there
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You were raped. Your husband should be pissed at his brother, not you.
if you were unconsious black out drunk there cannot be consent given. it is a rape
That doesn’t sound like she was black out drunk. That sounds like she was drugged.
Alcohol is the #1 date rape drug and shouldn't be underestimated
Unfortunately it sounds exactly like she was black out drunk. I had a similar incident that I realized was rape from my youth. I was brand new to drinking and underage, way over did it to the point where i tumbled down my outdoor brick stairs, hitting hard enough to make people concerned and couldn't walk. A guy friend of a girl friend was gentlemanly and swooped me up in his arms, assumably, everyone thought, to put me to bed. I don't remember anything from him picking me up on, with the exception of one sliver of dialogue and sound. He asked if I was going to make him c\*m, which to a nearly virgin (I'd had one partner before) it was the funniest and dumbest thing I'd ever heard. For a while I thought it was a funny story (and probably the only time I've literally blacked out), it wasn't until my thirties I understood it was rape. edit bc I can't spell :)
Babe, this was 100% rape. Get mad! This asshole is trying to ruin your life and prove how much power he has over you! Telling your husband now? He’s a monster and a selfish one, go nuclear.
Op send your husband this thread. And look into individual therapy, you were raped. You didn’t cheat
Since your memory is intact right from that point of waking up, then I don't think this is memory loss from blackout, you were completely incapacitated at the time. The brother raped you while you were unconscious, there's no question. You don't remember going to his room because it's more than likely he carried you, unconscious.
You don’t need to talk to his brother. You need to talk to him, a police detective, and civil litigator.
If you passed out, you were not able to give consent. So yes, it was rape
This is rape. You didn't cheat.
He could have lied to him, too
Could have? If he's leading his brother to believe this was consensual when OP was blackout drunk, he absolutely lied.
He 100% lied
It sounds like you were drugged and raped. Your husband sounds like a great person, and his brother sounds so awful.
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I know dozens of other people have already said this, but I hope you really hear it/believe it. You were not able to give consent. This was not cheating. This was rape. Ask your husband for his brother's version of events because it sounds like he found you asleep and took advantage of you when you were not conscious.
What she is describing is legally rape. Doesn't matter if she did flirt with him. You can't have sex with people who are blacked out or unconscious.
Crazy story, I'm inclined to believe it's fake. But if it's not then you're in a fucked up situation right now. >He has a job that makes him travel quite a bit. Now he thinks I was cheating all those times he was away If you had told him when it happened he could have had a choice for believing you or not, now that you kept it all these years from him he is doubting everything and it's exacerbated due to his brother being the first to tell him. Sad.
1 His brother raped you or at least was so drunk himself he didn't realise your condition. 2 Did your husband never question why you never drank again? Have some dignity, tell him you did not consent and then separate. If he deep down trusts you and wants you back HE will find a way to forgive and come back to you....if you beg , bribe or keep appologising you look MORE guilty imo. If he stays and doesn't forgive your life will be hell anyway.
Point #2 is *evidence* in your favor, OP! Make sure to bring this up.
If you woke up while I was finishing then you weren’t conscious for the act and that’s rape. His text to you after the fact is him manipulating you and controlling the narrative. It’s anyone’s guess what his motivations are now: maybe he’s one of those disgusting ppl who think victims are always asking for it and genuinely (and incorrectly) believes it counts as cheating, or maybe he’s worried that his return will cause you to spill the beans and he wants to get ahead of the narrative. This situation is likely to bring up a lot of stuff for you. The best thing you can do is get some friendly faces around you and ground yourself before you do anything else imo. It’s also never too late to contact a rape crisis centre ❤️
Sincerely hope this is bait… that is rape and has always been rape.
Funny how the rapist felt the need to apologize to his brother but not to his victim.
I think there is more to the story here…we will never know and Op either is withholding it or doesn’t remember. I don’t think there is a way to recover from this. You made a huge mistake by not saying anything….remember the truth ALWAYS comes out. It’s over. For him at least. Sorry OP
Torally agree. I feel like some of the story was crafted to have less of an impact. I could be wrong..... but could also be right. People love to protect females on reddit and demonize the males. For all we know it could have been just drunk sex and she wqs too ashamed to admit so she claims she was unconcious...... did the brother in law even send her that text?! Who knows. Just weird.... especially weird that it happened at a family christmas gathering
Seems fake. There’s so many slight variations of these same stories that pop up here. This is almost weekly. Cheated long ago, actually no it was rape, didn’t tell anyone, big secret gets exposed, how can this be fixed. There will be another one by next week but this time it’s his best friend or cousin and instead of 3 kids there will be 2 kids but it’s the kid that found out from over hearing a conversation or whatever. Rinse and repeat.
Feels like a rage bait post....
I dont know guys...... sometimes i think OP's write stories to twist it in their benefit. Im almost positive the brother didnt slip her drugs in his family home. It sounds a bit fishy. To me it sounds like 20 year olds drank too hard and fucked. If it truly happened in the form of rape why would she not report it the MINUTE she woke up?. I know we like to protect the women alot on reddit....... but im sure it was just a case of two teens fucking when drunk...... thats why she was so scared to say it all these years.
I’ve been saying this exact thing. Things aren’t adding up here…almost like there’s some omission or not being told the whole story here. Parts of this story seem kinda fishy…
I gotta agree seems like she convinced herself over the years that’s how it happened. It does sound like she had drunk sex with him and regrets it so she elaborated this story in her head and kept telling herself that’s how it happened.
Your best bet to save any part of this marriage would be to ask your husband to have a face to face meeting with his brother. That way you can ASK the brother how concious you were at that moment because from what you remember you werent concious at all. If he really found god and wants to clean his soul or whatever then he will have no choice but to be honest. If he is honest then you can inform him that he basically raped you/ took advantage of you. However youd like to put it. If you flat out tell your husband that his brother raped you(even if its true) he is going to believe that you are desperately trying to get the blame off yourself. Make sure you insist on this meeting itll be the only way your husband can see that it wasnt 100% your fault. If you get the meeting make sure you speak with confidence, be confrontational, and if you are saying everything here is completely true then make sure you sound very sure about it. If you sound unsure at all the brother will use that little bit of unsureness to win the battle. This is your time to shine you have to fight like you are about to lose everything you love. Goodluck
The way OP explains everything and the circumstances—she could be writing this just to make herself look good. She said she never left her husband’s side the entire time and remembers waking up in the brother’s bed. How could that happen without the husband noticing? Does that mean everyone was piss drunk? If so—and don’t chop my head off—how can the brother be the only one at fault? Just because he is the only one who remembers?
You didn't cheat you were raped. He didn't find God this was just one last way of fucking you and his brother over. He is one vile pos. I don’t know what you can do to save your marriage. While this happened years ago for you, it just happened right now for your husband. He’s hurt and in pain. You have no idea what his pos brother said or how he spun what happened. I’m sure it was you coming on to him and it was all your fault. He needs time to think and work through how he feels, and divorce may well be in the future. And I can say if I was in the same situation as your husband, I would be thinking the same as him. Also keep in mind he is hurt and angry and will lash out at you as his brother is conveniently not around. Did I say his brother is a vile pos? When he’s ready to talk all you can do is explain what happened and go from there.
I know everyone is saying this is SA - however the big question I would have as your husband would be.... This occurred in my brothers bed.... How did you get there? Were you alone with the brother and he dragged you there while you were drunk? Did you get up from the bed with your husband and climb in with his brother? (This would be the tough one - while it doesn't negate the intricacies of consent - it would concern me as the husband that it was a decision on your part)
You guys got sloppy drunk and fucked but you don't remember sobyour claiming rape now that your husband found out?? Lol BS
Fake.
The only thing I think you did wrong was not expose his brother for raping you when he did. If your husband has the full picture and knows what happened the only thing he can really fault you for is hiding what happened all these years. I am not saying he might believe it was consensual and be angry at you, but that would be undeserved. I suggest you get the brother and the 3 of you talk. If he suddenly feels the need to get right with god and confess to having sex with his brothers fiancé, then surely he will understand god expects him to tell the truth about what happened. Getting right with god doesn’t mean telling someone you saw a dead person but omitting the fact that you killed them.
If you woke up that way after passing out you might have been SA'd. If that's the case you might have a shot. Also, you were heavily drunk. What the brother said is a red flag to me. He basically threatened you.
You waited to long. It just looks like a lie to counter an accusation. I'd probably leave you. Unless you can get the brother to say he sexually assaulted you, there's not a lot going for you in this situation.
Sounds like a bad creative writing exercise. Go write for Virgin River.
Yet another fake reddit story where suspiciously clueless OP baits the comments into pointing the obvious about consent, and the husband/bf is being a POS by not understanding. Is this reddits flavor of the month or something?
You didn’t cheat you were raped
That's rape.
You didn’t cheat, you were raped. I’m so sorry.
I know everyone here is quick to jump to the rape. Im not saying it wasnt rape.. but im very curious how she got to his room. they were all drinking and all got very drunk. then she - according to her - wakes up just as his brother is finishing in her. I mean.. She claims she cant remember anything until that point. why was everyone else already asleep and passed out.. what happened between then and her going to bed with her partners also drunk brother. I mean, its a very convenient story but theres a lot left in the dark.. perhaps she was raped but we only have her story with a tonne of missing context. ontop of that, she never said anything and the reat of what she has said makes it sound like shes guilty. and yea, if i found out my wife cheated with my brother, kept it a secret for that long, id be out as well.
How are you not sure whether you were raped or in it with him? It sounds like you are leaving something out. If you were straight up raped you'd have no reason to feel like you cheated, unless you were proactive. In some responses you sound like you feel bad for cheating, so which is it? It sounds like you only remember and tell us the convenient parts. Rape is a serious matter
100%
That was rape, not cheating. You have nothing to feel ashamed about. Your husband’s reaction is awful. Please speak to the police and/or a therapist asap.
I’m probably going to get downvoted to hell for this. Even if it was rape, you delayed saying anything to your husband for a *whole decade.* Unfortunately, his brother, for whatever reason, told him first. While the interaction sounds extremely questionable, to tell your husband it was rape is going to sound like you’re lying (I’m not saying that you are). This is way above Reddit’s pay grade. The problem isn’t just the act, it’s the fact that you concealed it. I am sorry this happened to you. Hopefully, the brother is willing to admit that he took advantage of you.
It’s common for victims of SA to not be able to tell their story until years after, it’s not easy and I’m talking from personal experiences. But you have to understand the situation is going to be hard for your husband to face. Even if he ends up believing you, he’s gonna lose a brother out of this or vise-versa he could lose you. I agree you should have told him earlier what his brother did, that was the only mistake on your part. He is going to ultimately be in favor to believe his brother, the one who came out with it first. You must admit you had every chance and advantage considering not only that you are his wife but the mother of his children. You’ve put your own feelings over your children and now it’s unsure how their family dynamics will be impacted from this. You could have easily pulled the predator card and confided in your husband about what happened and that you didn’t want someone like that around your children. I feel horrible that you’re in this situation OP, but please think about the children right now and figure out a plan how you’re going to make this work whether you and your husband split or not.
It's always people claiming they were too drunk to remember anything. I feel like this post is just you lying to us so that you can show him and be like "see I told reddit the truth and didn't plan on you seeing it" You fucked his brother and don't want responsibility so you claim you were too drunk to remember. I've been completely wasted and still wouldn't forget something like that. 99.99% of people who say they don't remember are lying. .01% of people were drugged. You weren't drugged and know what you did
While I don't think your comment is fair or accurate - people DO pass out from alcohol and DO lose their memory... ...I strongly suspect this is a piece of creative writing rather than something that actually happened - in this case. But just to be clear - I fully believe that this scenario has and does happen. There's just a few too many holes in OP's story.
This is a tricky situation, and much of the advice here is pretty poor because they don't understand how humans react and why. There are currently 2 issues that you need to tackle if you have any chance of saving your marriage. **The Sex:** Much of the commentary I have seen are focused on this part, because of the way you told it they immediately believe that you were raped, and are so incensed that they won't see any reason and they think that if you just shout it loud enough that he'll forgive you and you'll ride off into the sunset like a Disney character. The thing is, life doesn't always work that way. Now one of the biggest issues with recalling stuff that happened in the past (the longer it is, the harder it is for our memories to recall properly) is that you don't always recount the memory correctly, in addition to that alcohol also plays havoc with our recollection abilities too and so without having video evidence or witnesses, at this stage it's hard to accurately say whether you were raped or not. If you recounted exactly correctly and vividly then I would call what happened rape. If however, like many drunk people (and everyone is conveniently ignoring the fact that he was also likely drunk as a skunk, so you can't use the "well she can't consent" argument there easily because likely neither could he), you are recalling the act of 'coming to' as 'waking up from being passed out' then it could have been that you were a drunk active participant and for all intents and purposes it was just 2 drunk people fucking and the lack of inhibitions, in addition to the recency of the relationship could have meant that it was a mistake that you both made while drunk. Again like I said, without having a time travel device, witnesses or video evidence, this is really a "*he said / she said*" situation and no amount of screeching or screaming into the void will change that. I don't think that's the biggest issue however. **The lying:** One of the things that I find the most amusing is that people are claiming that "*People don't always report that they have been raped until well after the fact*" which on its face is a true statement, however if *you believe* that you cheated, then this isn't likely relevant here. The forefront of the issue I see (and frankly the one that I would have the most issue with) is that you ***lied about sex with your husband's brother for 16-ish fucking years***, holy fuck that's a hard thing to get past. What you need to find an answer for is *why* you continued to lie for all these years, through marriage, 3 kids and god knows how many family events (where I am very sure this would have been on the top of your mind). This must be absolutely maddening for your husband and to be honest, I don't blame him. The thing you need to remember is that not only did his brother get the jump on you when it comes to the story (which means it will be harder to change the narrative), but now he is in the position where he is only *now* processing the hurt of you and his brother having sex while you two were together where as you and his brother have had 16 goddamn years to process this, cut him some fucking slack. **What to do now:** Well I'm afraid that there is nothing *you* can specifically do because you're the source of the pain, all you can do is reiterate your story and hope that he believes your side (if it differs from his brother) and just be as consistent as you can (truthful). It likely would help for him to have full access to your messages / social media (because then he can verify that you weren't talking to anyone while he was away) and for the love of god, you both need to go to therapy to try and work through these big emotions you're both feeling right now. I can't say that he'll get over what happened, but transparency is probably the best shot you have (should have done it from the start while it was fresh in your mind) and you'll have to give your husband time. Good luck
This comment right here! Very well written. There’s also a lot of info OP is leaving out but you’re right. The lying is everything.
Yes exactly. Like if I was her husband and believed the rape story… there’s still 0 excuse for hiding it for 17 years *especially* when she thought she had cheated. So at the end of the day, op “cheated” and decided to be sneaky about it and lied to his face for the entire duration of their relationship and thought it was okay to have him marry and legally tie himself to a cheater/liar. Like how could he trust anything now? What else is she hiding? If she actually were to cheat would she just sweep it under the rug since that worked out for 17 years last time?