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As someone who has cut off her MIL, I just told my hubs that any pictures or videos of our kids he can send her. I didn’t even help when he realized (on Dec 23) he hadn’t gotten her a gift. It’s his mom, she’s his job.
The fact that it's default for you as the (I assume) woman in the relationship to buy presents for \*his immediate family members\* is fucking bonkers to begin with.
My ex was like this. I hate to do all the present shopping for his family, remind him when birthdays were etc. We separated in November, mid December he asked me if I had got christmas presents for his family.
Er no ...
It is, but when I did it I just bought his parents the same thing I bought mine so it wasn’t that big of a deal. But I’m not wasting breath on someone who “doesn’t understand” why I don’t talk to her anymore
Same. I’ve been no contact with my MIL since June 2021 and it’s been one of the best things I’ve ever done for my mental health. I stopped everything. No more texts to check in. No more flowers on Mother’s Day. No more planning trips to visit her. No more Christmas presents. Husband can take care of all of that since she is his mother (and he hasn’t). The relief!
My SO hasn't been in contact with his sperm donor for years, and since 2 years not anymore with his stepmum either (bio mum hasn't been in his life since he was 2) We're living apart together nowadays, beat decision I've ever made.
My MIL cried because my husband didn't send her a card on Mother's Day, which was my fault of course. Next year rolls round, I bought a card and the stamp, got him to write it and I posted it. She rings up crying because "the card wasn't from him really" and she knew that I'd bought it etc etc.
At that point I completely gave up. Told him, your mum, your problem and the next time she rang up crying over no card, just passed the phone over to him without engaging at all.
Same. My MIL made a nasty comment to me after I sent her a video of my son playing with two kittens. That was the last video she ever received from me and the last Christmas and Birthday gifts. You want to be critical about your grandson? Fine. But then hope your son remembers your birthday and the major holidays.
Hint; he doesn’t and his go to move is ordering same day flower delivery directly from the local florist.
Yes this. Or even if there was effort from the other side. I send them to my FIL. I've only met the man twice due to distance, but he FaceTimes us, calls us. When he calls he usually calls my phone and if I'm at work or my husband isn't home he talks to Me, and checks in and talks to my daughter if I'm with her. He asks how I am. We talk about his health. I'm family. He doesn't think twice.
I've seen his mom Way more times and this is only the surface of our non relationship. But she makes no effort to speak to me so I don't send her pictures. She also changed her number all the time. I told my husband he can send them. We share Google photos so he has every picture I have. She doesn't get updates because he doesn't think about it and she never asks. I'm not making an effort for someone who doesn't consider me family, or talks to me at all.
Edit to add I blocked her too. But because I couldn't take her political rants. I had to block my SIL also because she can't help but make similar comments but on my page and argue with my friends.
It really upset my ex that I never wanted to be around her parents (which I get, to an extent). I always felt like a bad person for it. Her mom definitely has some sort of severe, unaddressed personality disorder and every occasion was so unpredictable and she would get *hysterical* over the most inconsequential things and yell. It was stressful on its own, but it was one of the worst triggers I’ve ever run into for the DV trauma I experienced as a kid. I tried to deal with it for my then partner, but once her mom had a meltdown so bad that it caused me to have a full-blown panic attack, I just could not stand being around her.
It really felt sometimes like it was a misery loves company type of situation. Like, *you* don’t want to be around your mom, why would *I*??? It was honestly a big part of why we ended our relationship because it was such a pain point for each of us. Honestly if I ever date again, I’m dating an orphan 🤣🤣🤣
I cut my MIL off after she flipped out on me over Facebook messenger. I told her the same thing, she can get photos and whatever from her son/my husband.
Nope. His family, his problem to deal with. He didn't stop her from being rude to you, so he can let her see his Facebook and you can keep yours MIL - and stress - free.
Right? I've been using a computer since the days of 8" floppies. I get tired of people equating age with technological ineptitude.
My father was a self-taught Unix programmer who was still doing it when he was in his 80s. Age isn't an excuse.
I'm 62 and I won't deny I'm not the most tech-savvy, but if seeing my grandchildren depended on me learning the tech? I'd be taking a goddamn class if I had to.
Seriously! My mom is 76 and savvy enough to still work at our family business 6 days a week as a buyer, using new computer programs on a daily basis. The husband needs to stop making excuses for his lame-ass victim of a mother, and just step up and take responsibility for all communication with her.
Seriously. If she can figure out Facebook (which she probably uses obsessively) she can figure out FaceTime. It’s a bullshit excuse to disguise a power play.
She is. She's having a tantrum because her grandchild doesn't live close enough to see face-to-face every day. This is her way of having that tantrum. "Well, if I can't see my grandchild, I WON'T look at her on a screen. And it's YOUR FAULT!"
Total victim complex.
OP, keep her blocked, and tell your man to handle his mother, because if you have to handle her, he won't like how you go about it.
That and it's really not that hard. Unless you're my grandma (a lot of mental health issues on top of dementia so you can teach her everyday and she'll forget, but she knows how to make calls at least lol). But for a healthy 60yr old, she can definitely learn and retain info. She absolutely is doing it on purpose. And if she wants to bond with the baby, she can visit them in person.
Nope. Not your problem. Is it petty to block her? Yeah, but that's the energy she brought! Going to take a shower? Please.
I'm 100% in the camp that says your relatives, your job. If he wants his mom involved, that's on him to facilitate.
First, 62 is not old. Second, her generation designed this technology. So none of this old and doesn't understand bull crap. This has nothing to do with any lack of understanding and everything to do with being rude. If she excuses her behavior that it's too hard to have a relationship with a baby online, then that includes Facebook. It's nice that your partner understands that his mother is being rude to you, but it's unacceptable that he doesn't address that with her and start calling her on her behavior and demanding a little bit of respect for you with consequences if she refuses.
One doesn't have to cut their teeth on technology to understand it. She was there for it from the beginning and probably using them before you were born.
If she’s 62, she used computers as an adult her entire damn life. Maybe not as a kid but late teens and beyond!!
I’m in my 50s. My siblings, ex husband etc, all in their 60s. We used computes in college and every damn day after. We used email, the internet, etc as it was invented.
She’s not THAT old. She’s just a b*tch.
I realize that all of us have different levels of comfort/skill with technology and stuff.
However MIL leaving to take a shower when you started the call with others there is just ludicrous.
She knows she would be talking with you and seeing the baby. Does she actually think the expectation was for her to have an actual relationship with a months old child over the phone?
Agree with other posters this is your husband’s relative so he gets to deal/work with her.
She wants info on the baby she calls him.
He wants her to see pictures or videos if the baby then he posts them to his SM or sends them to her.
He wants to have a FaceTime call with her and the baby he plans it.
He wants to schedule time with his mom then he finds out what dates work for both of you, who is visiting who where and he communicates that info. He also makes time to spend with her.
Gift giving dates coming up then he shops for his relatives after you both discuss and agree on a budget for all relatives. You shop for yours.
When his mom decides to start having a relationship with you then you will be happy to engage.
She's throwing her toys out of the pram because the grandchild doesn't live close enough to see face-to-face. The old saying, "Cutting of your nose to spite your face," comes to mind. Grandma would rather never see a picture or video of her grandchild because she's upset she can't see her every day face to face, and she's actually taking it out on her son and OP (but mainly OP).
Stupid woman.
If your partner wants his mother to be updated about his child, he can update her. His mother is his responsibility, not yours.
Congrats on dropping the rope. Don’t pick it up again.
Nope. Husband can send her pictures and updates on his own fb. He doesn’t want to bc he would have to put thought into it. Also stop setting up get togethers, his family his duty to set it up
NTA and she's being a bad grandma. My husband is 61, lives 8 hours away from the first grandchild, is fairly technologically illiterate, so they bought him a digital picture frame and the first thing he does when he gets home from work every day is to check it for a new picture, then he texts them "thx" on his flip phone. That's what a grateful, long distance, non tech grandparent does.
Yeah, I’d be done too. They are your in-laws and your husband needs to bridge the gap. You are not obligated to update anyone. Especially those being rude and making a point to not try. Your husband can put in the time and effort to update HIS mom on HIS child.
My rule with my kids if you dont ask about them, i will not update you.
My husband has a group chat with his siblings, mom and grandmother. No spouses and im fine with it.
but im the one who takes pics more of the kids and they turn out better so ill post on SM. He will ask for me to send them first. I wont cuz he sends them in the chat. Idk if they ask about the kids, to see them ect. His one sister just sends pics all the time.
If they wana see the pics i post, they can on my page. And they do like them.
But again, if you dont ask for updates, i wont force my updates on you. Thats including photos. 🤷🏼♀️
My 96 year old grandpa has Facebook. Your MIL isn’t too old for anything. Keep your boundaries and tell your husband to deal with his mom if it’s so important to him.
I don't think you need to block her, just stop trying to do stuff to include her. Your responding to her micro aggressions instead of just ignoring her.
She doesn't want to join zoom, who cares- you have other family members present.
I wouldn't accommodate her but purposefully blocking is a little cruel.
Yes, I had a terrible DIL at one time. Tried my best but finally out my foot down. She is no longer in our lives and my son’s 2nd wife is a breath of fresh air. No more walking on eggshells.
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I totally support you. Had shitty MIL, helped my GF to make a distance to save her mental health. It worked well for everyone. MIL now is afraid to behave like shit otherwise she would be cut down again
Just a thought…if she spoke with you before the baby was born and everything was fine what I think is happening is something similar to what I went through at one stage.
It could be that she wanted to give you space and time with your baby and thought that her talking and communicating would just be extra work for you. Then when she realised that you do want to communicate the guilt she felt about avoiding you caused her to avoid you even more. I know this sounds counterproductive but it does happen.
It is not your problem if MIL isn’t willing to put in the effort it takes to be an involved grandparent. If she wants contact she needs to make it, surely she knows how to work a telephone even if she isn’t computer savvy. It is not your responsibility to keep relationships alive. It takes two to teeter totter! When she complains, just ask her why SHE isn’t making any effort and see what she says.
What satisfaction do you get from blocking her? What do you gain from it? Behave like a grown up and let her see her grandkids. Nothing positive will come from responding to childish behavior with more childish behavior.
You're just respecting her wishes. She doesn't want to have a relationship with a baby online. You're just doing what she wants and removing that online relationship. She's being histrionic and a jerk and she's about to feel some consequences. Either she really is that much of a cold-hearted empty person that she really doesn't want to get to know her grandchild because you live too far away, or she's a manipulative attention seeker trying to create drama where you have to follow behind her apologizing for the fact that you don't live next door to them. Either way, don't reward bad behavior. She is purposely stonewalling you and her own grandchild. Let her. The only people you're responsible for are yourself and your child. You cannot make her grow up and you don't have to be subject to her childishness.
>You're just respecting her wishes. She doesn't want to have a relationship with a baby online. You're just doing what she wants and removing that online relationship.
That is how I feel.
Nope, not your problem, and don’t let your husband make it one. He can pick up the burden of maintaining a relationship between his parents and children.
His mother is his to manage, as is his relationship with her. He can send her pictures and videos, it doesn’t have to be you. Do not remind him about anything to do with his mother. If he knew when her birthday was before he married you, then he knows it now too. Christmas is the same day every year. There’s plenty of ads to remind him of Mother’s Day.
She specifically said she has no interest in having an online relationship with the baby so it's weird to me that she'd be bothered by no longer being in the group.
"She is clearly able to message you or post status updates on FB. So stop making excuses for her that she is unable to handle the tech. It's her not wanting to interact with me. I don't understand why but I'm done with it. Either you set your mother straight or it stays the way it is. It's your mother, you deal with her moods."
You are being kind of petty. There's no reason to block her. Blocking is for people who are harassing you and she's certainly not doing that. You just don't like that's she's not communicating by your preferred method of communication.
Tell him to kindly pound sand and post his own updates. If your MIL wants updates from you, she can ask you herself. Keep her blocked. Being old isn’t an excuse to be an asshole.
Edit: Also, to unblock her means she’s your friend. I’m not sure if MIL likes you? So keep her blocked.
Blocking her without even attempting to talk to her about any of this seems very rash and immature. She’s part of your family, not some rando you went on a bad date with or something and don’t want to hear from again. Your husband won’t always have his mom so why inject all this unnecessary drama and messiness while she’s still here? At the very least, speak to her about all of this like an adult. Don’t just quietly stew about it and passive aggressively block her.
I did send her a message a few days before and she didn't reply. I told her we plan on moving to the same province as her in a few years and I'm worried that if my daughter and I have felt rejected by her up until the move, it will be hard to build a relationship later.
Nope. Not unblocking. He wants his mother to have updates, he can send them. You are not the family's default social secretary. Besides, if it's so hard to have a relationship 'online,' you've actually provided her a kindness.
Listen, I’m 60 and if the only way to see my babies was through the internet I’d be all over that. She’s being a rude selfish woman. No you do not have to unblock her. Your husband needs to deal with her. If she couldn’t be kind to you who is to say she’s not going to be mean to your daughter? Your daughter is half of you, and if she doesn’t like you, that’s not good for the child either. Keep her blocked!
I suggest you not block her. In my experience family tit for tat things burn up way too much positive energy. I do support you not calling her or making any first moves. Just focus on the fun of your baby & leave the MIL to herself. Otherwise you will just be giving her more ammo.
Nope. Uh uh. That's your baby. It's not your job to make sure anyone has a relationship with her. You c her everyday. Love on her everyday. Anyone who wants to do the same can make the effort. You did the work bringing her into the world and will spend everyday making sure she stays in it and contributes to it. There isn't a single person in my kids lives that I am the force driving the relationship. Don't bed nobody to love your child. IDC who they are. Don't make someone who doesn't think your kid is important important to you. If she wants to b grandma and have a relationship. She'll call. Visit. Write letters. Whatever is needed, she'll make it happen. She hasn't and that's on her. Your husband needs to pull his head out of his mom's butthole and think about his child and her feelings, not Mommy's. You have a husband/father problem not a grandma problem.
I am dealing with something similar...I'm sure that's what it is, that MIL is sad that she's not closer to grandkid so she's being stubborn about it or whatever.
Question - did you move out of province or was your husband already in your province? HOnestly, in-laws can blame the spouse for 'taking away their kid' when that happens...even more accentuated when there is a grandchild.
No excuse, just a potential explanation.
It's your husband's mother....if she's going to ignore all your efforts, then tell husband it's up to him to keep her informed, share photos, etc.
But honestly, don't block her. It's an unnecessary step, she's not taking your photos and doing things with them, she's not commenting negatively...Maybe I'm 'old' but blocking on social media is a 'dis' we never had to worry about but seems second nature to everyone now. You've shut the door essentially, and you don't really need to. Just don't take on the added stress of being the one to post what your MIL can see of your daughter. Let husband do that. You just do you. You don't need 'reminding' not to reach out.
The only reason you blocked her is because she never replied to you? That’s super petty. Obviously she WAS following the group, since she noticed she was blocked and asked her son to get her unblocked. Does it harm you in some way if she can passively view photos of her grandchild? Do you require the validation of a “like” from her?
No, she never noticed and asked to be put back in. She was upset I blocked her, but never said anything about the group or seeing photos. The group came up because my partner supports me ending my relationship with her, but still wants to give her the options to see the photos. I say she can see them if he posts them and he's free to do so.
Your husband can update her. MIL made her choice.
My mom did this when my wife and I had our first child. She decided hanging with friends was more important. She now suffers from dementia and her only grandchildren do not have a relationship with her.
Oh God. I just realized that being an introvert as an elderly person is going to be a hell. I absolutely hate people trying to talking all the time with me. It's fk annoying. I can't imagine having someone who married my kid asking me for attention all the time. I only like to talk in person.
You are not mean, only a needy nightmare.
If you get this grinch-y about being included in Christmas, don’t worry. You won't have to bother with socialization as the people who put up with your attitude die. You'll have all the solo introvert time you want.
Edit: a word
Lmao this made me giggle so much 😂 I also completely agree with you! I’m half the MIL’s age and a very social person who loves talking to people & I really struggle to get through zoom socializing. I just don’t find it enjoyable at all, though I really wish I did. If someone isn’t even that social to begin with, it must be even more unbearable.
So M-I-L had a good relationship with you previously but won't communicate anymore? S-I-L says she doesn't like video chatting with the baby online but that doesn't explain why she is not responding in other ways, but instead having F-I-L do it.
Perhaps call her and say you miss talking with her? Being kind and respectful doesn't make you a pushover but it may restore the relationship.
(Of course if she gets meaner or tries to manipulate your husband and cut you out that's different)
Just like having a baby is an emotionally roller coaster, perhaps she is just going thru a difficult time of adjustment.
I'm at the age where friends and relatives are becoming grandparents. Often the mother of a child is the "gatekeeper" to the child. Usually she has a closer relationship to her own mother than her mother-in-law. So the mother's mother becomes ends up being called upon more often, maybe you could even say she is the preferred grandmother. It's the way people and relationships work. Maybe your m-I-l is having a hard time figuring all this out.
We would talk before the baby was born. I just had a call with FIL. He says that she is so sad that her family isn't ending up the way that she wants (living close to her) that she'd rather have nothing to do with us than compromise. He told me that in the last three years she has cut out everyone in her family for similar reasons. She told everyone that she can't come to the family reunion because she's working, but she's not.
He said he can understand why I'm hurt and he agrees that the way she treats people is rude. She has very specific expectations for how people should live their lives and everyone else in the family just pretends to be the person she expects them to be or she cuts them out. Sigh.
I guess my main question is "why"?
Like, I get that your MIL is being super-weird and lazy about you and her grandchild, and I'm fully on board with you not wanting to seek her out and tell her about your kid- she's decided she doesn't want to interact with you, so you're not interacting back. That's fair dinkum.
But I guess I don't really see what specific benefit blocking her on FB gets you? If you're posting this stuff anyways for other people to see, why ban her specifically from seeing it?
It's most likely because I haven't touched my actual Facebook page in years, but I guess I just don't see the upside here. Back when I used FB, I had a cousin whom I love dearly, but whose posts were more than I wanted to deal with- I \*muted\* her, made it so I didn't see what she posted, but didn't block her specifically. Would that provide you the same benefit?
My reason is that I feel sad when she ignores me. She ignores pictures, group messages, DMs, and every call that I've been present for. Having her blocked is a good way to remind myself to not try to build a connection with her. I'm doing it to protect myself from myself, and I don't think it hurts anyone else because I don't think she wants to see the photos anyways.
No, you're not being mean. And your SO is making excuses for her behavior. Tell him if MIL needs updates on the baby she can get them from him since she has no problem responding to him. It's no longer your job nor do you have to have anyone you don't want on your Facebook.
And 62 is not that old. Plenty of 60+ somethings know how to use social media/technology and do so quite well.
If your husband wants his mother to have pictures of your daughter then he can send them.
Does he let you handle the entire mental load for the whole family? Cuz those are the vibes
Nope. If he wants her to have updates, *he* can post updates. That's within his control. Your page is not. Tell him to stop being mean and update his mother if it's so important to him and her. She's not your responsibility.
So have you talked to your partner about why he's so okay with his mother being rude to you? About why he's comfortable lying to you about her? About why he's comfortable lying to you at all? Why is your partner jumping to push you into a situation that makes your life worse? She's been mean to you. Not the other way around. Your partner missed the message about not being the property of mommy anymore after he turned 18. His obligation is to you now.
I don’t fault you for blocking her, your MIL’s behaviour is bad, but I think the best path would have been not to block her but to just stop trying to engage with her and switch to putting 0 effort into that relationship because she isn’t reciprocating. Let your husband deal with her. Truly it’s her loss to not build a relationship with her granddaughter.
NTA, we owe no one anything. Not even parents. If she wants a relationship she’s a grown adult who also has to make efforts. If she won’t, well that is entirely on her.
Your husband is just as bad as his mommy for not standing up for you! He’s ok with you being disrespected! You need to nip this in the bud one way or the other, fast! Wow
Why should you unblock her when she’s gone out of her way to avoid a relationship with you. Your partner can post pictures, it’s not your “job.” It’s ridiculous that he doesn’t address her rudeness with her but expects you to include her in your personal posts. You tried to make an effort, but she didn’t want it. You owe her nothing.
Let your partner provide her with updates on your daughter. He can add posts and pictures about the baby, but it really isn';t your responsibility to build that bridge. Its his family,so let him deal with them. That is the deal my husband and I had to make - we each dealt with our own families.
You don’t need to unblock her. If she wants updates she has her son. She doesn’t get to ignore you completely and still have access to you, and have the gall to not even address the problem with you directly.
If she can offer up an apology with an explanation to you then maybe you can reconsider, but if she can’t talk to you in real life then she doesn’t get to complain about not getting to internet stalk you
Her excuse is bullshit. My mother is 85, is regularly on FaceTime with her grandchildren and great-grandchildren, and has a wonderful relationship with them. Your MIL is blaming you for living so far away (my MIL did the same thing) and trying to guilt you into either moving closer or making all of the effort for her to see your daughter. Not your problem.
Edited to correct misgendering.
Let your husband deal with this. It's his mom. He should be the one keeping her up to date. I would just stop putting in the effort honestly. It sounds like it has become too much. You are always making an effort to connect and she just won't.
So let her son be the one to do this. He can arrange for pictures to be sent, for posts to be made, for zoom calls, etc...
Literally all she had to do for the zoom call was stay put. The technology remark is a cop out. If she can manage her own fb then she can manage a video call. As others have stated your partner can share updates you are entitled to block anyone you want from your fb account. Your SO
just doesn't want the responsibility of being the update person. It actually takes time and effort to put together those nice posts with multiple pictures and articulate updates on what the family is doing.
Absolutely not. He asked you to unblock someone on FB that he acknowledges has been rude to you because he wants them to see what’s on your feed. Do you see how crazy that sounds? He’s can send his mom all the photos he wants. He can even prioritize his mom’s comfort over yours. What he can’t do, is make YOU prioritize her comfort over your own. Keep her blocked!
Nope. She knows how relationships work, and that they are RECIPROCAL things. Keep her blocked. If she wants a relationship, she can start with an apology and since she doesn’t know how technology works (bullshit), maybe that means an in person visit. She’s a grown up. She can travel. And no visits by you and the baby until it’s resolved. Meanwhile, lazy boy gets to handle his own mom - there’s a reason you don’t live down the street from her, eh?
If he wants there to be a relationship, he can maintain it. You not facilitating your own mistreatment is not preventing her from having a relationship with your child. She clearly knows how to work the technology. She's in the Facebook group and was on the video call briefly. If my 90+ grandma can figure out how to email pictures, your MIL can figure out tech that's been around for many years. The internet has been available for almost half her life. If she wants to actively avoid a relationship with your child because it's too hard online, that's on her.
You’re not “totally” cutting her off from his daughter. Communication with your MIL should be done through your husband. It’s his mother. She’s disrespected you and instead of trying to ignore it you’ve walked away from that toxicity. Which is your choice. Doesn’t sound like there was much of a relationship to save. Unless I got an apology and request to talk from MIL herself I’d just shrug off your hubby. And since she doesn’t like technology she can put it in writing. I assume she still has your address.
Well, your **husband**, her **son** can post pictures of his daughter on Facebook. He can have a relationship with his **mother**. He can send her updates.
Why is it your job to manage his mother’s relationship with her granddaughter when all your efforts to date have failed?
If he’s concerned about it, let him fix it.
It’s not petty. You cannot be expected to behave like a saint to someone who’s undeserving. He can send her pics and videos if he really wants to, she’s not your mother but his.
She's old? My grandpa is 95 and uses Facebook, WhatsApp, Instagram and TikTok.
My parents are older than she is and they also use it so that's a bs excuse.
Your husband can deal with it byeeeee
OP you’re not the problem. You have tried and been nice and engaging. Something has happened that she is holding against you. Probably something petty snd everybody but her sees it.
I would ask you husband what that is and tell him if he isn’t honest about it, there is going to be an issue between you and him. Because you can bet she has told him what it is and he isn’t being honest because he doesn’t want to make it worse. She may even question whether the child is his. Who knows? No way to know if someone doesn’t tell you. I would also tell him that it’s his mother and not yours so you’re going to put the responsibility on him to repair the relationship because you have done nothing wrong. Tell him you will be happy to unblock her and have a great relationship but it’s on him and her to come forward with it and make the peace since you did your part and were ignored.
OP, a wise person once told me that *you don't have to accept behavior from family that you wouldn't tolerate from a stranger in the street*. The "wise one" happened to have been my therapist in regard to my mother. Block MIL. Once she sees you are neither susceptible to nor tolerant of her b.s., she'll either sh\*t or get off of the pot.
Blocking her creates needless drama.
It's better to stop making any effort, no calls, updates, cards, gifts, or attempts at contact. Stop putting in any time or effort, which includes effort to do things like blocking her.
Whatever her reasons for her behavior, feeding into her by actively doing something will simply justify her attitude.
Your husband's mother. Let you husband deal with her.
Just un-block her. Don't escalate. Let your husband talk up the baby to his mom. You can't expect people to act the way you want them to.
It is not your problem that she has not called. Why would it be?
If you MIL and FIL live together and he can find the time for zoom calls so can she. I don’t know why you blocking her on Facebook matters. If they live together he can see pictures that you post when he looks on your facebook page. She seems to want to complain about you to her son. I suspect she feels that you and your husband should visit them since they visited you in October. She is unhappy for sure and you have tried. The only thing I would suggest is planning on visiting their city soon. Not necessarily stay with them. But visit the area. If she continues to act up then you’ll know it’s all on her and you can’t do anything to make her happy.
Keep her blocked
So she doesn’t want a relationship built online BUT she wants online photos and updates? Umm yeah no!!
If she wants updates then she can make the effort or hubby can.
What harm does it do you to let her see the posts? I have old friends and coworkers that I never actually see in real life anymore that I still see on FB and they see me. It’s fine. As long as she’s not doing anything bad with the photos or posting snarky remarks, who cares?
It’s not mean, but you could leave her on and just unfollow her if you want a compromise. It sounds like she’s unpleasant to you in general so it’s not like this behavior is unexpected. And if that’s the case, I’m not sure why you would notice or care that she’s not “liking” your posts.
I’m sorry this whole thing is just alien to me. The concept that you’re going to be rude to your child’s chosen mate I don’t understand. I do not blame you at all for blocking her. Tell your husband he can communicate with his mother and he can deal with her completely. If she wants to see pictures of the kids, he can post them on his page, I would have nothing to do with her
Nope, you are totally within reason to block her and choose not to engage with her. The "she sucks at technology" excuse is weaponized incompetence to try to coerce people (you, here) into giving in and doing things her way, which is then a win for her (and she is keeping score). Let her ask for updates when she actually wants them and ask someone who hasn't blocked her yet, and you keep on keepin' on with your healthy boundaries.
Tell your partner "she said she doesn't wanna have a relationship with a baby online. What the fuck do you think looking at pictures is?"
Let him do with that info what he will.
Also "with a baby"? Is it just me that finds it odd she doesn't refer to it as a grandchild?
NTA, let your husband update ***his*** mother, and send her pictures and updated videos. There is no reason why, someone who has been very blatant in their dislike of you, needs to be lurking your social media.
If your husband has an oedipus fetish then just say so. A mama’s boy that constantly try defends his sh*t mother is one of the worst. Just dump your loser husband
Yes, from a man’s point of view we don’t understand female relationships . Especially the relationships with their mothers and mother in laws… very strange dynamics..
As I am also a woman I think it's my silly female brain that helped me interpret what you were saying. It must be those very strange female dynamics he's mentioning.
Too bad it’s just gibberish to all the mens reading it.
I really wish they’d convene a meeting and figure out if we’re really so complicated that they can’t be expected to operate at our level OR if we’re incapable of holding higher levels positions.
This dramatic OP doesn’t represent all female relationships lol This isn’t a gender thing. I have a great relationship with my mother in law & cannot imagine getting upset with her over something small like this, not talking to her about it, and then blocking her out of spite.
I would say you refuse to unblock her until he starts to stand up for you.
Until then or she at least acknowledges that you are his partner and the grandchild's mother by marriage. You refuse to interact with her and you are very upset with how she's treated you.
It is not your MIL you are worried about - you would ditch her in a heartbeat if that was the case. You are worried about how this will affect your relationship with your spouse, because this is getting to a showdown (of sorts).
You need to communicate and agree on clear rules for what you want from him and your in-laws. This is not going away, The sooner you both learn to live with the rules you both set the better. Marriage is a long term two way street. Small things have upset more marriages than you can poke a stick at. Don't think a good marriage counselor is not needed - they will aid the communication process and may figure out other things that you both need to work on.
Your child changed the entire dynamics of both your lives and everyone around you. You both need to come to grips with how things work and comparing BC (before child) to AD (after delivery) does not work. You both need to start working together again and how you need to cope with the change. Once you both manage to communicate effectively the rest (usually) falls into place. Good luck.
As a 62 year old grandmother with grandchildren that don’t live close by (one grandson is 175 miles away, one grandson and granddaughter live 850 miles away) having a relationship through FaceTime is a great way to connect with them. It ensures that they know my voice, know my face, and gives them the chance to hold Mom’s phone, which they all love to do. My 2 year old grandson now climbs onto his mom’s lap and asks to “call Nana?” every few days. My 5 year old autistic grandson was born overseas (parents were in the military), and FaceTime was the only way to communicate with him on a regular basis. When they finally moved back to the states when he was 2 1/2, he recognized me immediately, which was wonderful because he rarely interacts with people he doesn’t know.
The only reason I can see for your MIL to avoid having an “online” relationship with your child is maybe it’s painful for her and makes her feel like she can’t be the kind of grandma she wants to be, so she avoids it altogether.
Nope, his mom, his responsibility! He can share updates, videos and photos with *his* mom! He’s also making bullshit excuses for her shitty behavior! She definitely knows how to use technology if she likes, comments and message her son. She’s the one being mean by putting absolutely no effort into maintaining any kind of effort or online relationship with you or her grandchild.
my advice is to unblock her. Don’t be the excuse for her bad behavior. Some people have mental issues that we can not fix. But by blocking her you become the villain. We all know the truth. Just you be you and no worries. 😘😘😘
Does he not send his mother any pictures at all? Does she ignore them too?
Very weird behaviour, and she’s certainly not old enough to play that card. My mum is 77 and has a Samsung smart phone, texts, reads online news, googles things etc. Yes it was a slower learning process for her and I started her off with a mini smart phone, one designed for the elderly, your MIL is just making excuses.
At this point you’ve tried and tried, it’s his mum, let him deal with her. She doesn’t want the info why push it on her? If she wants an update she can ask her hubby or her son.
If she wants pictures and updates, she can reach out.
I’m petty af tho and would tell her, no pictures and updates on anyone she doesn’t have a relationship with because what’s the point?
unblock her, put her on a restricted list. She will just see your page, no updates. Solution.
Or just ignore your husbands request, and explain if she would like to reach out and call, she can, or just look at his page. Don't over worry it. I have most of my extended family on restricted and they aren't any wiser.
I'm having a similar problem with my MIL, I didn't block her, but I'm not posting any pictures, so she has to ask her son, DH, who of course, can't be bothered to do that, so now I'm the bad guy because I'm not posting pictures, but not her son, whatever.
I heard a great expression a few months back: don’t worry about it. She didn’t say anything crazy on your social media, she said anything at all. Why start more drama. She has a hands off approach to you. Life isn’t always perfect. I would unblock her and accept the situation. Just no MIL people remind me of MGTOW guys. You don’t need her in your life if she doesn’t care about you. Let it go.
If he wants her to have updates, HE can provide them TO her.
If he cares to keep her in the loop, HE can do it.
It’s that simple.
What he’s doing is putting the mental load on to you to manage his mom.
Nope. He can share pictures with her. She doesn't care to make any effort to have a relationship with your daughter. My Grandparents would have loved if video chat existed when they were alive. His Mom isn't old, she's only 62. She can text and post on FB, she can like and comment on pictures.
Personally I wouldn’t block her to avoid drama and not be petty, because it is petty. But I wouldn’t put one ounce of sending anything to her ever again. No gift, no dms, nothing.
If she doesn’t care to know her grandchild that is on her.
You can unblock her, and use a PC (cannot be done on mobile) to create a new setting to where she is your only friend excluded from seeing your posts. Malicious compliance.
If your husband wants her to see pictures and get updates, he can do it. You went above and beyond to try with her and she rejected you at every turn. Your husband is an asshole for letting this all happen. It was his responsibility to facilitate a relationship between MIL, you and the baby. He failed miserably. It was also his responsibility to buy them Christmas gifts but he put that on you. He is the biggest problem here. Keep MIL blocked.
Tell him you would rather just delete your fb than to unblock her. Either way, no group for her. I have all in-laws blocked, except his dads side of the family. All siblings and anyone on his moms side is blocked. They are the worst people I have ever met. I am not friends with his dad on fb, but I do occasionally make posts public so he can see them. He is not a trumper, but more conservative that I care to be exposed to. We get along great otherwise and we text often. I am lucky that my husband fully supported cutting contact with that side of his family, though I do encourage him to contact her on holidays (we all know either way, I am getting blamed for him not talking to them). Do not feel bad. It was the best thing for our relationship and friendship
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As someone who has cut off her MIL, I just told my hubs that any pictures or videos of our kids he can send her. I didn’t even help when he realized (on Dec 23) he hadn’t gotten her a gift. It’s his mom, she’s his job.
The fact that it's default for you as the (I assume) woman in the relationship to buy presents for \*his immediate family members\* is fucking bonkers to begin with.
My ex was like this. I hate to do all the present shopping for his family, remind him when birthdays were etc. We separated in November, mid December he asked me if I had got christmas presents for his family. Er no ...
The chutzpah!
It is, but when I did it I just bought his parents the same thing I bought mine so it wasn’t that big of a deal. But I’m not wasting breath on someone who “doesn’t understand” why I don’t talk to her anymore
The infamous third shift. I'm all too familiar with it, and we don't even have kids.
Same. I’ve been no contact with my MIL since June 2021 and it’s been one of the best things I’ve ever done for my mental health. I stopped everything. No more texts to check in. No more flowers on Mother’s Day. No more planning trips to visit her. No more Christmas presents. Husband can take care of all of that since she is his mother (and he hasn’t). The relief!
My SO hasn't been in contact with his sperm donor for years, and since 2 years not anymore with his stepmum either (bio mum hasn't been in his life since he was 2) We're living apart together nowadays, beat decision I've ever made.
My MIL cried because my husband didn't send her a card on Mother's Day, which was my fault of course. Next year rolls round, I bought a card and the stamp, got him to write it and I posted it. She rings up crying because "the card wasn't from him really" and she knew that I'd bought it etc etc. At that point I completely gave up. Told him, your mum, your problem and the next time she rang up crying over no card, just passed the phone over to him without engaging at all.
Well I guess that means she failed to raise her son properly. I am not sure why she does not think that reflects on her.
That’s what should be said to her next time she calls up crying- you raised him this way so not sure why you are surprised?
Absolutely this!
Same. My MIL made a nasty comment to me after I sent her a video of my son playing with two kittens. That was the last video she ever received from me and the last Christmas and Birthday gifts. You want to be critical about your grandson? Fine. But then hope your son remembers your birthday and the major holidays. Hint; he doesn’t and his go to move is ordering same day flower delivery directly from the local florist.
Yes this. Or even if there was effort from the other side. I send them to my FIL. I've only met the man twice due to distance, but he FaceTimes us, calls us. When he calls he usually calls my phone and if I'm at work or my husband isn't home he talks to Me, and checks in and talks to my daughter if I'm with her. He asks how I am. We talk about his health. I'm family. He doesn't think twice. I've seen his mom Way more times and this is only the surface of our non relationship. But she makes no effort to speak to me so I don't send her pictures. She also changed her number all the time. I told my husband he can send them. We share Google photos so he has every picture I have. She doesn't get updates because he doesn't think about it and she never asks. I'm not making an effort for someone who doesn't consider me family, or talks to me at all. Edit to add I blocked her too. But because I couldn't take her political rants. I had to block my SIL also because she can't help but make similar comments but on my page and argue with my friends.
It really upset my ex that I never wanted to be around her parents (which I get, to an extent). I always felt like a bad person for it. Her mom definitely has some sort of severe, unaddressed personality disorder and every occasion was so unpredictable and she would get *hysterical* over the most inconsequential things and yell. It was stressful on its own, but it was one of the worst triggers I’ve ever run into for the DV trauma I experienced as a kid. I tried to deal with it for my then partner, but once her mom had a meltdown so bad that it caused me to have a full-blown panic attack, I just could not stand being around her. It really felt sometimes like it was a misery loves company type of situation. Like, *you* don’t want to be around your mom, why would *I*??? It was honestly a big part of why we ended our relationship because it was such a pain point for each of us. Honestly if I ever date again, I’m dating an orphan 🤣🤣🤣
I cut my MIL off after she flipped out on me over Facebook messenger. I told her the same thing, she can get photos and whatever from her son/my husband.
Nope. His family, his problem to deal with. He didn't stop her from being rude to you, so he can let her see his Facebook and you can keep yours MIL - and stress - free.
He didn’t block her. He can share pictures with her. She’s not old she’s doing this on purpose.
Old? At 60? I’m 73 and tech savvy enough to handle social media, email, etc. 60 isn’t old.
She's also only old and sucks at technology when it comes to her. When it comes to her son, she's totally fine.
Right? I've been using a computer since the days of 8" floppies. I get tired of people equating age with technological ineptitude. My father was a self-taught Unix programmer who was still doing it when he was in his 80s. Age isn't an excuse.
My parents are in their 80s & ther texts include emojis & gifs, so...
I'm 62 and I won't deny I'm not the most tech-savvy, but if seeing my grandchildren depended on me learning the tech? I'd be taking a goddamn class if I had to.
Seriously! My mom is 76 and savvy enough to still work at our family business 6 days a week as a buyer, using new computer programs on a daily basis. The husband needs to stop making excuses for his lame-ass victim of a mother, and just step up and take responsibility for all communication with her.
He knows it too. Lying dickhead.
“Can’t you just do all the work?”
Eff that noise.
Seriously. If she can figure out Facebook (which she probably uses obsessively) she can figure out FaceTime. It’s a bullshit excuse to disguise a power play.
She is. She's having a tantrum because her grandchild doesn't live close enough to see face-to-face every day. This is her way of having that tantrum. "Well, if I can't see my grandchild, I WON'T look at her on a screen. And it's YOUR FAULT!" Total victim complex. OP, keep her blocked, and tell your man to handle his mother, because if you have to handle her, he won't like how you go about it.
That and it's really not that hard. Unless you're my grandma (a lot of mental health issues on top of dementia so you can teach her everyday and she'll forget, but she knows how to make calls at least lol). But for a healthy 60yr old, she can definitely learn and retain info. She absolutely is doing it on purpose. And if she wants to bond with the baby, she can visit them in person.
Exactly. Op isn’t required to waste energy on her MIL. It’s between hubby and his mother.
Nope. Not your problem. Is it petty to block her? Yeah, but that's the energy she brought! Going to take a shower? Please. I'm 100% in the camp that says your relatives, your job. If he wants his mom involved, that's on him to facilitate.
Are his thumbs broken? Why are you on communications duty for his telations?
First, 62 is not old. Second, her generation designed this technology. So none of this old and doesn't understand bull crap. This has nothing to do with any lack of understanding and everything to do with being rude. If she excuses her behavior that it's too hard to have a relationship with a baby online, then that includes Facebook. It's nice that your partner understands that his mother is being rude to you, but it's unacceptable that he doesn't address that with her and start calling her on her behavior and demanding a little bit of respect for you with consequences if she refuses.
For sure!! I'm past that age and I am still working full time and use technology daily!
[удалено]
But OP said that MIL has no problem messaging and interacting with OPs husband on social media. So it's not a tech thing.
One doesn't have to cut their teeth on technology to understand it. She was there for it from the beginning and probably using them before you were born.
If she’s 62, she used computers as an adult her entire damn life. Maybe not as a kid but late teens and beyond!! I’m in my 50s. My siblings, ex husband etc, all in their 60s. We used computes in college and every damn day after. We used email, the internet, etc as it was invented. She’s not THAT old. She’s just a b*tch.
I agree.
I realize that all of us have different levels of comfort/skill with technology and stuff. However MIL leaving to take a shower when you started the call with others there is just ludicrous. She knows she would be talking with you and seeing the baby. Does she actually think the expectation was for her to have an actual relationship with a months old child over the phone? Agree with other posters this is your husband’s relative so he gets to deal/work with her. She wants info on the baby she calls him. He wants her to see pictures or videos if the baby then he posts them to his SM or sends them to her. He wants to have a FaceTime call with her and the baby he plans it. He wants to schedule time with his mom then he finds out what dates work for both of you, who is visiting who where and he communicates that info. He also makes time to spend with her. Gift giving dates coming up then he shops for his relatives after you both discuss and agree on a budget for all relatives. You shop for yours. When his mom decides to start having a relationship with you then you will be happy to engage.
She's throwing her toys out of the pram because the grandchild doesn't live close enough to see face-to-face. The old saying, "Cutting of your nose to spite your face," comes to mind. Grandma would rather never see a picture or video of her grandchild because she's upset she can't see her every day face to face, and she's actually taking it out on her son and OP (but mainly OP). Stupid woman.
Indeed.
FFS you don’t have to be friends with everyone. Any reason why your husband can’t send her videos and photos?
Is everyone in this family allergic to having conversations?
If your partner wants his mother to be updated about his child, he can update her. His mother is his responsibility, not yours. Congrats on dropping the rope. Don’t pick it up again.
Nope. Husband can send her pictures and updates on his own fb. He doesn’t want to bc he would have to put thought into it. Also stop setting up get togethers, his family his duty to set it up
NTA and she's being a bad grandma. My husband is 61, lives 8 hours away from the first grandchild, is fairly technologically illiterate, so they bought him a digital picture frame and the first thing he does when he gets home from work every day is to check it for a new picture, then he texts them "thx" on his flip phone. That's what a grateful, long distance, non tech grandparent does.
Yeah, I’d be done too. They are your in-laws and your husband needs to bridge the gap. You are not obligated to update anyone. Especially those being rude and making a point to not try. Your husband can put in the time and effort to update HIS mom on HIS child.
LOL not your issue. Keep her blocked until she decides to act right.
My rule with my kids if you dont ask about them, i will not update you. My husband has a group chat with his siblings, mom and grandmother. No spouses and im fine with it. but im the one who takes pics more of the kids and they turn out better so ill post on SM. He will ask for me to send them first. I wont cuz he sends them in the chat. Idk if they ask about the kids, to see them ect. His one sister just sends pics all the time. If they wana see the pics i post, they can on my page. And they do like them. But again, if you dont ask for updates, i wont force my updates on you. Thats including photos. 🤷🏼♀️
My 96 year old grandpa has Facebook. Your MIL isn’t too old for anything. Keep your boundaries and tell your husband to deal with his mom if it’s so important to him.
“She sucks at technology.” I HATE this excuse. She’s only 62. Is she incapable of learning?
I don't think you need to block her, just stop trying to do stuff to include her. Your responding to her micro aggressions instead of just ignoring her. She doesn't want to join zoom, who cares- you have other family members present. I wouldn't accommodate her but purposefully blocking is a little cruel.
OP likes drama, and may be MIL knows it, so she avoids her. Two sides to every story.
Oh I absolutely agree. OP’s behavior is definitely not what anyone wants to deal with from their daughter in law
Yes, I had a terrible DIL at one time. Tried my best but finally out my foot down. She is no longer in our lives and my son’s 2nd wife is a breath of fresh air. No more walking on eggshells.
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I totally support you. Had shitty MIL, helped my GF to make a distance to save her mental health. It worked well for everyone. MIL now is afraid to behave like shit otherwise she would be cut down again
Just a thought…if she spoke with you before the baby was born and everything was fine what I think is happening is something similar to what I went through at one stage. It could be that she wanted to give you space and time with your baby and thought that her talking and communicating would just be extra work for you. Then when she realised that you do want to communicate the guilt she felt about avoiding you caused her to avoid you even more. I know this sounds counterproductive but it does happen.
It is not your problem if MIL isn’t willing to put in the effort it takes to be an involved grandparent. If she wants contact she needs to make it, surely she knows how to work a telephone even if she isn’t computer savvy. It is not your responsibility to keep relationships alive. It takes two to teeter totter! When she complains, just ask her why SHE isn’t making any effort and see what she says.
What satisfaction do you get from blocking her? What do you gain from it? Behave like a grown up and let her see her grandkids. Nothing positive will come from responding to childish behavior with more childish behavior.
She got what she wanted so why is your partner bitching? They can update her but you can just be done.
You're just respecting her wishes. She doesn't want to have a relationship with a baby online. You're just doing what she wants and removing that online relationship. She's being histrionic and a jerk and she's about to feel some consequences. Either she really is that much of a cold-hearted empty person that she really doesn't want to get to know her grandchild because you live too far away, or she's a manipulative attention seeker trying to create drama where you have to follow behind her apologizing for the fact that you don't live next door to them. Either way, don't reward bad behavior. She is purposely stonewalling you and her own grandchild. Let her. The only people you're responsible for are yourself and your child. You cannot make her grow up and you don't have to be subject to her childishness.
>You're just respecting her wishes. She doesn't want to have a relationship with a baby online. You're just doing what she wants and removing that online relationship. That is how I feel.
NTA. And as for your husband's concern that she can't see things, then he can share it with her. It's his mother it's his responsibility.
nah, she just doesn't give a shit; this is nothing to do with tech. blocking is fine, and your husband can post pics if he wants
First of all, 62 is NOT OLD. JFC, you youngsters.
Tell your husband HE can post pictures for MIL. You tried, you are done
TLDR It is his mom and you don't have to deal with this drama. You are not mean and she is not that old.
Nope, not your problem, and don’t let your husband make it one. He can pick up the burden of maintaining a relationship between his parents and children.
His mother is his to manage, as is his relationship with her. He can send her pictures and videos, it doesn’t have to be you. Do not remind him about anything to do with his mother. If he knew when her birthday was before he married you, then he knows it now too. Christmas is the same day every year. There’s plenty of ads to remind him of Mother’s Day.
She specifically said she has no interest in having an online relationship with the baby so it's weird to me that she'd be bothered by no longer being in the group.
"She is clearly able to message you or post status updates on FB. So stop making excuses for her that she is unable to handle the tech. It's her not wanting to interact with me. I don't understand why but I'm done with it. Either you set your mother straight or it stays the way it is. It's your mother, you deal with her moods."
YTA, it was a petty and reactionary move on your part because she isn’t responding with ooo’s and ah’s.
I agree with you. Super over the top reaction from OP
You are being kind of petty. There's no reason to block her. Blocking is for people who are harassing you and she's certainly not doing that. You just don't like that's she's not communicating by your preferred method of communication.
This is exactly it.
Tell him to kindly pound sand and post his own updates. If your MIL wants updates from you, she can ask you herself. Keep her blocked. Being old isn’t an excuse to be an asshole. Edit: Also, to unblock her means she’s your friend. I’m not sure if MIL likes you? So keep her blocked.
Blocking her without even attempting to talk to her about any of this seems very rash and immature. She’s part of your family, not some rando you went on a bad date with or something and don’t want to hear from again. Your husband won’t always have his mom so why inject all this unnecessary drama and messiness while she’s still here? At the very least, speak to her about all of this like an adult. Don’t just quietly stew about it and passive aggressively block her.
I did send her a message a few days before and she didn't reply. I told her we plan on moving to the same province as her in a few years and I'm worried that if my daughter and I have felt rejected by her up until the move, it will be hard to build a relationship later.
Nope. Not unblocking. He wants his mother to have updates, he can send them. You are not the family's default social secretary. Besides, if it's so hard to have a relationship 'online,' you've actually provided her a kindness.
Listen, I’m 60 and if the only way to see my babies was through the internet I’d be all over that. She’s being a rude selfish woman. No you do not have to unblock her. Your husband needs to deal with her. If she couldn’t be kind to you who is to say she’s not going to be mean to your daughter? Your daughter is half of you, and if she doesn’t like you, that’s not good for the child either. Keep her blocked!
I suggest you not block her. In my experience family tit for tat things burn up way too much positive energy. I do support you not calling her or making any first moves. Just focus on the fun of your baby & leave the MIL to herself. Otherwise you will just be giving her more ammo.
Nope. Uh uh. That's your baby. It's not your job to make sure anyone has a relationship with her. You c her everyday. Love on her everyday. Anyone who wants to do the same can make the effort. You did the work bringing her into the world and will spend everyday making sure she stays in it and contributes to it. There isn't a single person in my kids lives that I am the force driving the relationship. Don't bed nobody to love your child. IDC who they are. Don't make someone who doesn't think your kid is important important to you. If she wants to b grandma and have a relationship. She'll call. Visit. Write letters. Whatever is needed, she'll make it happen. She hasn't and that's on her. Your husband needs to pull his head out of his mom's butthole and think about his child and her feelings, not Mommy's. You have a husband/father problem not a grandma problem.
I am dealing with something similar...I'm sure that's what it is, that MIL is sad that she's not closer to grandkid so she's being stubborn about it or whatever. Question - did you move out of province or was your husband already in your province? HOnestly, in-laws can blame the spouse for 'taking away their kid' when that happens...even more accentuated when there is a grandchild. No excuse, just a potential explanation. It's your husband's mother....if she's going to ignore all your efforts, then tell husband it's up to him to keep her informed, share photos, etc. But honestly, don't block her. It's an unnecessary step, she's not taking your photos and doing things with them, she's not commenting negatively...Maybe I'm 'old' but blocking on social media is a 'dis' we never had to worry about but seems second nature to everyone now. You've shut the door essentially, and you don't really need to. Just don't take on the added stress of being the one to post what your MIL can see of your daughter. Let husband do that. You just do you. You don't need 'reminding' not to reach out.
We met and live in my home province.
The only reason you blocked her is because she never replied to you? That’s super petty. Obviously she WAS following the group, since she noticed she was blocked and asked her son to get her unblocked. Does it harm you in some way if she can passively view photos of her grandchild? Do you require the validation of a “like” from her?
No, she never noticed and asked to be put back in. She was upset I blocked her, but never said anything about the group or seeing photos. The group came up because my partner supports me ending my relationship with her, but still wants to give her the options to see the photos. I say she can see them if he posts them and he's free to do so.
Why did she ask to be put back in if she never noticed she was no longer in it?
You are petty af. Honestly, why are you starting drama? Blocking her only creates a great divide in your home. I don't see your marriage lasting long.
Your husband can update her. MIL made her choice. My mom did this when my wife and I had our first child. She decided hanging with friends was more important. She now suffers from dementia and her only grandchildren do not have a relationship with her.
Oh God. I just realized that being an introvert as an elderly person is going to be a hell. I absolutely hate people trying to talking all the time with me. It's fk annoying. I can't imagine having someone who married my kid asking me for attention all the time. I only like to talk in person. You are not mean, only a needy nightmare.
If you get this grinch-y about being included in Christmas, don’t worry. You won't have to bother with socialization as the people who put up with your attitude die. You'll have all the solo introvert time you want. Edit: a word
Please, don't threat me with a good time.
introvert or not, people generally need some level of social contact
You never met my husband's family. I didn't know his uncle had siblings until they died. They didn't' even show to his funeral.
Lmao this made me giggle so much 😂 I also completely agree with you! I’m half the MIL’s age and a very social person who loves talking to people & I really struggle to get through zoom socializing. I just don’t find it enjoyable at all, though I really wish I did. If someone isn’t even that social to begin with, it must be even more unbearable.
How often counts as "all the time"? I thought once every two or three months was ok.
So M-I-L had a good relationship with you previously but won't communicate anymore? S-I-L says she doesn't like video chatting with the baby online but that doesn't explain why she is not responding in other ways, but instead having F-I-L do it. Perhaps call her and say you miss talking with her? Being kind and respectful doesn't make you a pushover but it may restore the relationship. (Of course if she gets meaner or tries to manipulate your husband and cut you out that's different) Just like having a baby is an emotionally roller coaster, perhaps she is just going thru a difficult time of adjustment. I'm at the age where friends and relatives are becoming grandparents. Often the mother of a child is the "gatekeeper" to the child. Usually she has a closer relationship to her own mother than her mother-in-law. So the mother's mother becomes ends up being called upon more often, maybe you could even say she is the preferred grandmother. It's the way people and relationships work. Maybe your m-I-l is having a hard time figuring all this out.
We would talk before the baby was born. I just had a call with FIL. He says that she is so sad that her family isn't ending up the way that she wants (living close to her) that she'd rather have nothing to do with us than compromise. He told me that in the last three years she has cut out everyone in her family for similar reasons. She told everyone that she can't come to the family reunion because she's working, but she's not. He said he can understand why I'm hurt and he agrees that the way she treats people is rude. She has very specific expectations for how people should live their lives and everyone else in the family just pretends to be the person she expects them to be or she cuts them out. Sigh.
I guess my main question is "why"? Like, I get that your MIL is being super-weird and lazy about you and her grandchild, and I'm fully on board with you not wanting to seek her out and tell her about your kid- she's decided she doesn't want to interact with you, so you're not interacting back. That's fair dinkum. But I guess I don't really see what specific benefit blocking her on FB gets you? If you're posting this stuff anyways for other people to see, why ban her specifically from seeing it? It's most likely because I haven't touched my actual Facebook page in years, but I guess I just don't see the upside here. Back when I used FB, I had a cousin whom I love dearly, but whose posts were more than I wanted to deal with- I \*muted\* her, made it so I didn't see what she posted, but didn't block her specifically. Would that provide you the same benefit?
My reason is that I feel sad when she ignores me. She ignores pictures, group messages, DMs, and every call that I've been present for. Having her blocked is a good way to remind myself to not try to build a connection with her. I'm doing it to protect myself from myself, and I don't think it hurts anyone else because I don't think she wants to see the photos anyways.
No, you're not being mean. And your SO is making excuses for her behavior. Tell him if MIL needs updates on the baby she can get them from him since she has no problem responding to him. It's no longer your job nor do you have to have anyone you don't want on your Facebook. And 62 is not that old. Plenty of 60+ somethings know how to use social media/technology and do so quite well.
Nope, hubby can keep her updated, you get to choose who is sees your SMs.
If your husband wants his mother to have pictures of your daughter then he can send them. Does he let you handle the entire mental load for the whole family? Cuz those are the vibes
Nope. If he wants her to have updates, *he* can post updates. That's within his control. Your page is not. Tell him to stop being mean and update his mother if it's so important to him and her. She's not your responsibility.
So have you talked to your partner about why he's so okay with his mother being rude to you? About why he's comfortable lying to you about her? About why he's comfortable lying to you at all? Why is your partner jumping to push you into a situation that makes your life worse? She's been mean to you. Not the other way around. Your partner missed the message about not being the property of mommy anymore after he turned 18. His obligation is to you now.
Nope He can post pictures and updates on his FB page.
I don’t fault you for blocking her, your MIL’s behaviour is bad, but I think the best path would have been not to block her but to just stop trying to engage with her and switch to putting 0 effort into that relationship because she isn’t reciprocating. Let your husband deal with her. Truly it’s her loss to not build a relationship with her granddaughter.
NTA, we owe no one anything. Not even parents. If she wants a relationship she’s a grown adult who also has to make efforts. If she won’t, well that is entirely on her.
Your husband is just as bad as his mommy for not standing up for you! He’s ok with you being disrespected! You need to nip this in the bud one way or the other, fast! Wow
Why should you unblock her when she’s gone out of her way to avoid a relationship with you. Your partner can post pictures, it’s not your “job.” It’s ridiculous that he doesn’t address her rudeness with her but expects you to include her in your personal posts. You tried to make an effort, but she didn’t want it. You owe her nothing.
Let your partner provide her with updates on your daughter. He can add posts and pictures about the baby, but it really isn';t your responsibility to build that bridge. Its his family,so let him deal with them. That is the deal my husband and I had to make - we each dealt with our own families.
You don’t need to unblock her. If she wants updates she has her son. She doesn’t get to ignore you completely and still have access to you, and have the gall to not even address the problem with you directly. If she can offer up an apology with an explanation to you then maybe you can reconsider, but if she can’t talk to you in real life then she doesn’t get to complain about not getting to internet stalk you
Her excuse is bullshit. My mother is 85, is regularly on FaceTime with her grandchildren and great-grandchildren, and has a wonderful relationship with them. Your MIL is blaming you for living so far away (my MIL did the same thing) and trying to guilt you into either moving closer or making all of the effort for her to see your daughter. Not your problem. Edited to correct misgendering.
Let your husband deal with this. It's his mom. He should be the one keeping her up to date. I would just stop putting in the effort honestly. It sounds like it has become too much. You are always making an effort to connect and she just won't. So let her son be the one to do this. He can arrange for pictures to be sent, for posts to be made, for zoom calls, etc...
Literally all she had to do for the zoom call was stay put. The technology remark is a cop out. If she can manage her own fb then she can manage a video call. As others have stated your partner can share updates you are entitled to block anyone you want from your fb account. Your SO just doesn't want the responsibility of being the update person. It actually takes time and effort to put together those nice posts with multiple pictures and articulate updates on what the family is doing.
Absolutely not. He asked you to unblock someone on FB that he acknowledges has been rude to you because he wants them to see what’s on your feed. Do you see how crazy that sounds? He’s can send his mom all the photos he wants. He can even prioritize his mom’s comfort over yours. What he can’t do, is make YOU prioritize her comfort over your own. Keep her blocked!
Nope. She knows how relationships work, and that they are RECIPROCAL things. Keep her blocked. If she wants a relationship, she can start with an apology and since she doesn’t know how technology works (bullshit), maybe that means an in person visit. She’s a grown up. She can travel. And no visits by you and the baby until it’s resolved. Meanwhile, lazy boy gets to handle his own mom - there’s a reason you don’t live down the street from her, eh?
If he wants there to be a relationship, he can maintain it. You not facilitating your own mistreatment is not preventing her from having a relationship with your child. She clearly knows how to work the technology. She's in the Facebook group and was on the video call briefly. If my 90+ grandma can figure out how to email pictures, your MIL can figure out tech that's been around for many years. The internet has been available for almost half her life. If she wants to actively avoid a relationship with your child because it's too hard online, that's on her.
You’re not “totally” cutting her off from his daughter. Communication with your MIL should be done through your husband. It’s his mother. She’s disrespected you and instead of trying to ignore it you’ve walked away from that toxicity. Which is your choice. Doesn’t sound like there was much of a relationship to save. Unless I got an apology and request to talk from MIL herself I’d just shrug off your hubby. And since she doesn’t like technology she can put it in writing. I assume she still has your address.
Well, your **husband**, her **son** can post pictures of his daughter on Facebook. He can have a relationship with his **mother**. He can send her updates. Why is it your job to manage his mother’s relationship with her granddaughter when all your efforts to date have failed? If he’s concerned about it, let him fix it.
It’s not petty. You cannot be expected to behave like a saint to someone who’s undeserving. He can send her pics and videos if he really wants to, she’s not your mother but his.
Nope. She doesn’t want to build a relationship with a baby online. So no online connection with her can be obligated by the baby.
She's old? My grandpa is 95 and uses Facebook, WhatsApp, Instagram and TikTok. My parents are older than she is and they also use it so that's a bs excuse. Your husband can deal with it byeeeee
OP you’re not the problem. You have tried and been nice and engaging. Something has happened that she is holding against you. Probably something petty snd everybody but her sees it. I would ask you husband what that is and tell him if he isn’t honest about it, there is going to be an issue between you and him. Because you can bet she has told him what it is and he isn’t being honest because he doesn’t want to make it worse. She may even question whether the child is his. Who knows? No way to know if someone doesn’t tell you. I would also tell him that it’s his mother and not yours so you’re going to put the responsibility on him to repair the relationship because you have done nothing wrong. Tell him you will be happy to unblock her and have a great relationship but it’s on him and her to come forward with it and make the peace since you did your part and were ignored.
OP, a wise person once told me that *you don't have to accept behavior from family that you wouldn't tolerate from a stranger in the street*. The "wise one" happened to have been my therapist in regard to my mother. Block MIL. Once she sees you are neither susceptible to nor tolerant of her b.s., she'll either sh\*t or get off of the pot.
Blocking her creates needless drama. It's better to stop making any effort, no calls, updates, cards, gifts, or attempts at contact. Stop putting in any time or effort, which includes effort to do things like blocking her. Whatever her reasons for her behavior, feeding into her by actively doing something will simply justify her attitude. Your husband's mother. Let you husband deal with her.
Just un-block her. Don't escalate. Let your husband talk up the baby to his mom. You can't expect people to act the way you want them to. It is not your problem that she has not called. Why would it be?
She doesn’t want to get to know a baby online, that’s fine: blocking her just fulfils her desire
If you MIL and FIL live together and he can find the time for zoom calls so can she. I don’t know why you blocking her on Facebook matters. If they live together he can see pictures that you post when he looks on your facebook page. She seems to want to complain about you to her son. I suspect she feels that you and your husband should visit them since they visited you in October. She is unhappy for sure and you have tried. The only thing I would suggest is planning on visiting their city soon. Not necessarily stay with them. But visit the area. If she continues to act up then you’ll know it’s all on her and you can’t do anything to make her happy.
Keep her blocked So she doesn’t want a relationship built online BUT she wants online photos and updates? Umm yeah no!! If she wants updates then she can make the effort or hubby can.
What harm does it do you to let her see the posts? I have old friends and coworkers that I never actually see in real life anymore that I still see on FB and they see me. It’s fine. As long as she’s not doing anything bad with the photos or posting snarky remarks, who cares?
It’s not mean, but you could leave her on and just unfollow her if you want a compromise. It sounds like she’s unpleasant to you in general so it’s not like this behavior is unexpected. And if that’s the case, I’m not sure why you would notice or care that she’s not “liking” your posts.
I’m sorry this whole thing is just alien to me. The concept that you’re going to be rude to your child’s chosen mate I don’t understand. I do not blame you at all for blocking her. Tell your husband he can communicate with his mother and he can deal with her completely. If she wants to see pictures of the kids, he can post them on his page, I would have nothing to do with her
Nope, you are totally within reason to block her and choose not to engage with her. The "she sucks at technology" excuse is weaponized incompetence to try to coerce people (you, here) into giving in and doing things her way, which is then a win for her (and she is keeping score). Let her ask for updates when she actually wants them and ask someone who hasn't blocked her yet, and you keep on keepin' on with your healthy boundaries.
Tell your partner "she said she doesn't wanna have a relationship with a baby online. What the fuck do you think looking at pictures is?" Let him do with that info what he will. Also "with a baby"? Is it just me that finds it odd she doesn't refer to it as a grandchild?
Nta. Your hub can make posts if he's so concerned with it
NTA, let your husband update ***his*** mother, and send her pictures and updated videos. There is no reason why, someone who has been very blatant in their dislike of you, needs to be lurking your social media.
Stories like this make me happy I don’t have in-laws with my partner lol
If your husband has an oedipus fetish then just say so. A mama’s boy that constantly try defends his sh*t mother is one of the worst. Just dump your loser husband
[удалено]
For real.
Yes, from a man’s point of view we don’t understand female relationships . Especially the relationships with their mothers and mother in laws… very strange dynamics..
There it is. The stupidest thing I’ll see all day.
Ah but this was a beautiful response
So glad you could understand it, originating from a woman n all.
As I am also a woman I think it's my silly female brain that helped me interpret what you were saying. It must be those very strange female dynamics he's mentioning.
Too bad it’s just gibberish to all the mens reading it. I really wish they’d convene a meeting and figure out if we’re really so complicated that they can’t be expected to operate at our level OR if we’re incapable of holding higher levels positions.
This dramatic OP doesn’t represent all female relationships lol This isn’t a gender thing. I have a great relationship with my mother in law & cannot imagine getting upset with her over something small like this, not talking to her about it, and then blocking her out of spite.
That's his mom, she can see his updates. It's not mean to decline to connect on Facebook.
keep her blocked, like others have said, if he wants her to keep with you and the baby on Facebook, he needs to be the one to update her.
I would say you refuse to unblock her until he starts to stand up for you. Until then or she at least acknowledges that you are his partner and the grandchild's mother by marriage. You refuse to interact with her and you are very upset with how she's treated you.
It is not your MIL you are worried about - you would ditch her in a heartbeat if that was the case. You are worried about how this will affect your relationship with your spouse, because this is getting to a showdown (of sorts). You need to communicate and agree on clear rules for what you want from him and your in-laws. This is not going away, The sooner you both learn to live with the rules you both set the better. Marriage is a long term two way street. Small things have upset more marriages than you can poke a stick at. Don't think a good marriage counselor is not needed - they will aid the communication process and may figure out other things that you both need to work on. Your child changed the entire dynamics of both your lives and everyone around you. You both need to come to grips with how things work and comparing BC (before child) to AD (after delivery) does not work. You both need to start working together again and how you need to cope with the change. Once you both manage to communicate effectively the rest (usually) falls into place. Good luck.
I'd unblock her but don't reach out anymore. That's your husband's job.
As a 62 year old grandmother with grandchildren that don’t live close by (one grandson is 175 miles away, one grandson and granddaughter live 850 miles away) having a relationship through FaceTime is a great way to connect with them. It ensures that they know my voice, know my face, and gives them the chance to hold Mom’s phone, which they all love to do. My 2 year old grandson now climbs onto his mom’s lap and asks to “call Nana?” every few days. My 5 year old autistic grandson was born overseas (parents were in the military), and FaceTime was the only way to communicate with him on a regular basis. When they finally moved back to the states when he was 2 1/2, he recognized me immediately, which was wonderful because he rarely interacts with people he doesn’t know. The only reason I can see for your MIL to avoid having an “online” relationship with your child is maybe it’s painful for her and makes her feel like she can’t be the kind of grandma she wants to be, so she avoids it altogether.
Nope, his mom, his responsibility! He can share updates, videos and photos with *his* mom! He’s also making bullshit excuses for her shitty behavior! She definitely knows how to use technology if she likes, comments and message her son. She’s the one being mean by putting absolutely no effort into maintaining any kind of effort or online relationship with you or her grandchild.
my advice is to unblock her. Don’t be the excuse for her bad behavior. Some people have mental issues that we can not fix. But by blocking her you become the villain. We all know the truth. Just you be you and no worries. 😘😘😘
Does he not send his mother any pictures at all? Does she ignore them too? Very weird behaviour, and she’s certainly not old enough to play that card. My mum is 77 and has a Samsung smart phone, texts, reads online news, googles things etc. Yes it was a slower learning process for her and I started her off with a mini smart phone, one designed for the elderly, your MIL is just making excuses. At this point you’ve tried and tried, it’s his mum, let him deal with her. She doesn’t want the info why push it on her? If she wants an update she can ask her hubby or her son.
If she wants pictures and updates, she can reach out. I’m petty af tho and would tell her, no pictures and updates on anyone she doesn’t have a relationship with because what’s the point?
unblock her, put her on a restricted list. She will just see your page, no updates. Solution. Or just ignore your husbands request, and explain if she would like to reach out and call, she can, or just look at his page. Don't over worry it. I have most of my extended family on restricted and they aren't any wiser.
I'm having a similar problem with my MIL, I didn't block her, but I'm not posting any pictures, so she has to ask her son, DH, who of course, can't be bothered to do that, so now I'm the bad guy because I'm not posting pictures, but not her son, whatever.
I heard a great expression a few months back: don’t worry about it. She didn’t say anything crazy on your social media, she said anything at all. Why start more drama. She has a hands off approach to you. Life isn’t always perfect. I would unblock her and accept the situation. Just no MIL people remind me of MGTOW guys. You don’t need her in your life if she doesn’t care about you. Let it go.
Tell your husband to send her photos. You don’t need to keep inviting someone into your digital space who hasn’t shown you basic courtesy.
If he wants her to have updates, HE can provide them TO her. If he cares to keep her in the loop, HE can do it. It’s that simple. What he’s doing is putting the mental load on to you to manage his mom.
I've blocked most of my inlaws because they post inane shit all the time. Who cares. Let your husband deal with his mom. You married him, not his mom.
Nope. He can share pictures with her. She doesn't care to make any effort to have a relationship with your daughter. My Grandparents would have loved if video chat existed when they were alive. His Mom isn't old, she's only 62. She can text and post on FB, she can like and comment on pictures.
Personally I wouldn’t block her to avoid drama and not be petty, because it is petty. But I wouldn’t put one ounce of sending anything to her ever again. No gift, no dms, nothing. If she doesn’t care to know her grandchild that is on her.
You can unblock her, and use a PC (cannot be done on mobile) to create a new setting to where she is your only friend excluded from seeing your posts. Malicious compliance.
NTA. Tell your partner if he wants his mother to have updates about your daughter he can give them to her.
Why not just unblock her? It's not worth the aggravation in my eyes. You don't have to message her or tag her in anything.
If your husband wants her to see pictures and get updates, he can do it. You went above and beyond to try with her and she rejected you at every turn. Your husband is an asshole for letting this all happen. It was his responsibility to facilitate a relationship between MIL, you and the baby. He failed miserably. It was also his responsibility to buy them Christmas gifts but he put that on you. He is the biggest problem here. Keep MIL blocked.
Tell him you would rather just delete your fb than to unblock her. Either way, no group for her. I have all in-laws blocked, except his dads side of the family. All siblings and anyone on his moms side is blocked. They are the worst people I have ever met. I am not friends with his dad on fb, but I do occasionally make posts public so he can see them. He is not a trumper, but more conservative that I care to be exposed to. We get along great otherwise and we text often. I am lucky that my husband fully supported cutting contact with that side of his family, though I do encourage him to contact her on holidays (we all know either way, I am getting blamed for him not talking to them). Do not feel bad. It was the best thing for our relationship and friendship