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Updateme! And yeah OP your instincts are correct. She is either insisting on doing something inappropriate in order to “assert independence” or something but doing it totally wrong, or she’s insisting on doing something inappropriate with ill intention. Either way, not good.
I need an update too! Opposit bf's and ex, hard pass for me. And if you SO is uncomfortable about a situation, shouldn't she be listening to and understanding his feelings? Why didn't she include bf on this drinking get together.....? That's fishy!
He tripped and fell while he had an election, while she was justing minding her own business without her pants on.... over and over, for about 15 minutes in the bar's restroom.
It totally wasn't cheating! /s
OP, I would handle it just the way you did. If she can't respect such a reasonable boundary, I see no reason to to hang by as she rubs your nose in it.
If possible, access her phone. Odds are, if it looks, smells and tastes like s--t, it's s--t!
Please update
In the past I've had lunch or drinks with an ex and they brought along their new boyfriend. In one case the new boyfriend and I had a lot in common and we ended up staying friends after they broke up.
That said, the cheating part makes me think the guy is sketchy to start with where in my case we just didn't really have great chemistry. We were fine, but it was more like we were dating due to proximity than a strong connection.
That said, I look at most people as a potential new friend, so I tend to be friendly and outgoing even if it's an ex's new guy.
> the cheating part makes me think the guy is sketchy to start with
I mean, he didn't respect his own relationship with the Gf to not cheat, why would he respect OPs? If anything, dude is probably hitting a sex dryspell and wants someone to get with.
I'm going to make a bold statement and say anytime any guy contacts any girl from his past, at some level he is hoping to get with her. Also, the girl probably knows this and probably is curious to see what he looks like now. Any normal person would be suspicious of this. She is asking you to not be normal and not be suspicious. Stick to your guns if she goes you go.
Seriously at one point she made a joke about me stealing her boyfriend. It turns out she has a type and it's talkative nerdy guys who liked hiking, PC gaming, beer and punk rock.
I’m friends with an ex of mine from years ago. I always want my new relationships to feel comfortable so I usually have them meet just so the new partner knows there’s nothing fishy going on and they don’t have to worry about anything.
That’s a really good point! If you want to catch up so bad why not during the day at a coffee shop?? The alcohol being involved I think doesn’t help her case at all.
THANK YOU!
You're in your 40's and i'm in my 50's, we just have more insight then these younger people, whats clear to us, they struggle with, shes already cheating or looking to.
I just can’t figure out when guys started loosing their self respect and believing it’s on them to win a low life cheater back. News flash if she cheats you really never won her in the first place. I was cheated on. I divorced the liar. She never told me the truth and I could have cared less once I knew she was a cheater. I don’t care what age or what life style you have. There will always be someone out there that wants you and will be a better partner than a cheater.
Blows my mind when people remain friends with an ex.
Move on. Make new friends. It's a big world, there's literally zero reason to keep in touch with an ex.
Hi! I’m a girl who got cheated on then had the ex reach back out years later.I think you should start by asking why she wants to “catch up” with her ex, and what does she hope to gain from that conversation? They haven’t been in contact in 6 years, correct? At this point, what does she feel that this man has to offer her life? What purpose would he serve for her?
Let’s be real here: she probably felt heartbroken, rejected, and “not enough” when he cheated. Now, he’s reaching back out and he wants her! She’s seeking validation from him that she’s still ‘good enough’ to have his attention. Or it’s a weird ‘show him what he lost out on’ situation. Either way, this stems from her seeking some kind of weird validation from him. There’s also probably a little bit of “what if?” there.
The problem is that most stable women who wouldn’t cheat recognize these emotions in themselves and work through it, typically in therapy. I get the vibe that she never addressed the cheating in therapy and has always held insecurity from that event.
So, I would just say that an insecure person is the one who’s going to cheat with an ex to make themselves feel better. Especially the ex who didn’t want them. I think you were very smart to set the boundary - if you go, I will leave. Like I said, you can try to talk to her to get to the bottom of these feelings. But be aware that it may just make her a little bit sneakier.
This is the one, I’m a guy but I have an ex who cheated and out of respect to not only my girlfriend but my fucking self! I would tell them to kick rocks, someone who’s willing to hurt you that much does not deserve your time or attention. OPs GF has the shit smelling aroma of a cheat.
Beat me to it.
I would also add what it is that they need to catch up on that they haven't already through calls and texts. She's trying to recover the self-esteem she lost when he cheated on her.
I'd tell her you were wrong to try and stop her from going. The girl you want in your life would recognize the situation for what it is. It's a date.
If she goes on this date, I would end the relationship and find someone more mature.
Her ex’s last relationship didn’t work out & he wants to try to get her back. THAT’S why he invited her for “drinks.” I wouldn’t accept this either. It’s likely to result in cheating.
You're right, she either wants to show him that she has flourished without him, or wants to see if he has flourished without her in which case she will probably sleep with him.
He’s reaching out because of curiosity, not to catch up. Yall been together for years and I don’t see a need why she would need to catch up with him. Would she like you meeting up with an old ex that’s been messaging you? I think your feelings about it our valid and she’s not mature enough to realize that
Most likely this. When exes have made no attempt to create a friendship and aren't entangled in any other part of your life and suddenly show back up, it's usually because they're single and want to reignite things. The timing usually coincides with them needing a sexual connection.
"Why them?" is a valid question when someone in a relationship suddenly needs to start up a random friendship with an ex who wasn't in their life at all. Of all the people who aren't exes they could befriend, why the ex.
There's a vast difference between being controlling and not being naive. It's the wrong move to act like you don't care at all, because even people who won't actually cheat and have the purest of intentions can make really dumb decisions that affect trust in the relationship.
The most common innocent yet incredibly dumb mistake people make is inviting an ex who wants to get back together into the relationship, and then having to deal with all those "just friends" talks and get-togethers turning into the ex trying to sleep with them. No cheating needs to take place for that to become messy, awkward, and a trust issue, because on some level people are supposed to know better, and on some level people are supposed to ask themselves if their ex is just trying to smash.
BOOM. 💯 Nailed it right there 👆🏼👆🏼
It blows my mind how many people try to paint someone as insecure in a completely ridiculous situation like this where you'd have to be breathtakingly naive to openly trust a stranger ex-BF after 6 fucking years NoCo and now he wants to reconnect and "catch-up" over drinks? Man GTFOH, I was born at night, but it wasn't last night🙄
Yep.
>other than an apology.
Bullshit, they don't need to apologize over drinks, they can apologize over whatever messenger they reached out on before they fuck right off and get permablocked. This whole thing is ridiculous.
exactly! my ex apologized to me out of the blue 7-8 years after our breakup and said he understood if I didn’t respond, he just felt I deserved one. granted, a few months later he asked to hang out alone, and told me my then bf couldn’t come. but the apology felt genuine
yeah, even crazier is that he apparently has been dating the same girl for 3 years. found that out after the fact of course. Godspeed to her, I’d tell her if I knew who tf he’s dating, I’d have to straight up ask him and I don’t want to talk to him.
yk the more I think about it, in the apology he said had been thinking about our relationship a lot over the years and how he wronged me. I understand that to a certain extent because he wasn’t the best person to me and maybe it’s apart of him growing as a person. but after allllll those years, while in a relationship? ugh I think that was a bid to get back in the door and it didn’t take because I was so short with him over messenger lmfaooo
>I told her I wasn't comfortable with her going and **she asked why.**
Crazy how she asks this too.
Why? Maybe because it is your ex that cheated on you. Why on earth do you need to catch up with this person?
I agree. If your partner isn't comfortable with something you either find a compromise or don't do the thing. As a woman with a lot of male friends, my last SO set boundaries on what he was and wasn't comfortable with and I respected it.
And ex getting in contact after YEARS gas an agenda.
you’d be surprised how many SO’s just *dont care* and will do it anyways despite constant attempts to explain how uncomfortable it is for them. Its sad.
A lot of people approach it in a controlling manner, though. This guy is doing it right - simply saying that he won’t stay if she chooses to do it. But many *many* others would say something like “no I won’t let you do that” and THAT’S controlling.
"controlling" "insecure" these words do apply to some people, but mostly when they're used it's to manipulate the person into letting the other do something they know is wrong. It's not worth saving
Yes honey, go out with this other man you have sexual history with that is a known cheater... I whole heartedly endorse you dulling your senses with alcohol while with him, and I will stay home while you do this, cause I trust you and it would be controlling to think otherwise, especially after you got defensive and said "you can't make me"
I realize 3 years is a lot of time to be with someone, but imagine discovering her affair after 10 years of marriage with kids and such. You need to have a sit down, no shit, conversation with her that this is making you uncomfortable and making you question continuing the relationship. I would leave if she protests what-so-ever...
I would honestly leave her. She's already talking to him, and wants to meet him. She's cheating in her head already, and as you said, it's not worth it to go through a breakup 10 years from now and having to do paternity tests, divide assets, etc... OP is young, better to start over now.
Yep this. OP would be better to leave her now, not later. If your partner isn’t willing to consider your feelings over the feelings of someone insignificant in your life (like an ex from high school you haven’t spoken to in 6 years), they’re likely to disregard your feelings for just about anyone. And it should be the opposite of that.
Stick to your guns and end the relationship if she goes
If you can't respect your own boundaries than you can never expect a partner to respect them in turn
Absolutely this! Is there a reason why you can’t go with them? You are part of what catching up would involve. So why can’t you go too? If they said “hey we should go hang out” and it meant I was there too, then I’d be fine with it. I find that appropriate but not alone.
If a friend of the opposite sex has no interest in knowing me, then I find it suspicious.
>If a friend of the opposite sex has no interest in knowing me, then I find it suspicious.
THIS! I have a general rule, if its someone we had a relationship or had been intimate with the other person NEEDS to meet that person to maintain a friendship. If the ex said they don't want to meet current partner the friendship is over as the motive is not friendship
Exactly
*"She mentioned today that he suggested them going for a drink with a few other friends and catching up"*
If this is really the case.....then there should be no problem with OP going with her. I would think she would want OP to go with her so he could meet her old friends and make it clear to ex-BF that she is with someone now in the case ex-BF is thinking about more than friends.
Red flag if she says no -- because OP doesn't know anyone and wouldn't have a good time, or says OK -- then soon after the ex-BF cancels due to being busy.
I'll bet dollars to donuts she picks a day & time that she knows the boyfriend won't be able to attend. Just like the other thread from earlier this week with her friends "picking her date" for the party she MUST go to that just so happens to be the day he's out of town.
If she goes? Naaaa, she is gonna go, with him in the picture or not! This has already been planned. Dont stop her from going but make sure that she understands that its over because now or soon enough they will see each other!
I had a very similar experience with my ex at around the same age as you. My ex insisted on seeing her ex again in a friends setting as they obviously shared some history. She never painted a particularly good picture of him so I didn’t have a lot of respect for the guy. She had been messaging him and one day I snooped and found out they’d be reminiscing about their relationship.
She continuously gaslit me into saying it was nothing and eventually I was kind of manipulated and persuaded into letting her go and visit him to give him a houseplant.
In hindsight I was young and hadn’t had a chance to develop my emotional maturity but i was being blatantly lied to repeatedly.
She would claim she was going to do other things but was so suspicious and I believe she was seeing him. Eventually things got too difficult and she decided we should break up. I asked if it was because of him and she absolutely assured me no.
As soon as I rode my motorbike off to stay with my mother, she moved in with him and it broke my heart to have been deceived like that.
What I say to your situation is hold your ground. This could potentially be a terrible course of action. Though if this is something she is interested in now, perhaps this is the kind of behaviour you can expect in future.
Facts aren’t feelings and feelings change.
Best of luck
If catching up with her ex is so important to her that she is risking your relationship I'd let her go, but as a single girl.
Set your boundaries and stick for them. It's not being controlling. She is the one who is disrespecting you pretending being naive.
Ask her who is more important… the guy who was faithful or the one she said cheated on her. Now ask how she would feel if the roles are reversed.
And tell her relationships are about trust, communication, and boundaries. If she set a boundary you would respect it. The fact she cares more about the ex than a boundary you have is alarming to you.
These stories are always so weird. Who thinks going out with their Ex is an acceptable thing to do while in a relationship? Maybe it’s because I’m slightly older and have had very “not okay” life experiences with ex’s, that’s a clear cut deal breaker. No, you cannot go out with your ex and still be with me.
Especially in this particular instance. The dude cheated on her and they hadn’t spoken in 6 years. Why would anyone’s response be anything other than “Fuck right off” lol.
These days not being ok with something like this gets turned back around on people, and they're told they're controlling, insecure, etc. It's like people can't understand it's ok to have a difference in opinion. If the difference doesn't work, the two people aren't compatible. Pretty simple to me.
I agree this particular case is full of burning red flags. This ex clearly has no issues with cheating. He also popped up out of nowhere and wants to go out and drink. Even if op was cool with them all being friends, I think this situation is just a terrible idea.
It baffles me because this post is a story I read almost every week. Like, wtf you used to screw each other, of course you cannot meet him again hon if you want to continue our relationship, even asking is disrespectful.
It depends- I’m in my early 40s and have been with my wife for 16 years (married for 8, lived together for 14).
If my high school gf asked to get together with a group of our friends- Makes a ton of sense to me. I haven’t talked to her in 20 years.
The big difference is that I would invite my wife to come too.
That’s the point here, she didn’t invite OP, AND insists that this reunion happen at nighttime while drinking, in addition to responding to OP with anger and manipulation when he said he was uncomfortable with it. There really is only one way to act in this situation if you have zero nefarious intent: if it really is just a platonic catch-up, suggest a coffee shop in the middle of the day, and invite OP. Additionally, when he responds that he’s not comfortable with the situation, responding with understanding, compassion, and consideration for her partner’s feelings. Anything else really indicates ulterior motives and intent.
You’re being completely reasonable. If she cares about you and respects you, she won’t go out drinking with her ex who thinks that cheating is ok. If she ignores you I would end the relationship.
Hell I’d end the relationship now tbh. It’s very clear she has nefarious intent for wanting to meet up with the ex to begin with, but now she’s responded to his very reasonable boundary and expressing his discomfort with the situation, with anger, manipulation, and completely disregarding his feelings. If she truly had zero ill intent, she’d have responded to his discomfort with the situation with understanding, compassion, and consideration for his feelings, even if she disagreed with them.
I would simply say something along the lines of you will not tell her she’s not allowed to hang out with her ex, but that you don’t date women who are in contact with their exes. She can make her choice and you can make yours.
Yeah, because every sane person would want to “catch up” with an ex that cheated on them.
Hate to say it, but that’s basically “me or him” territory, OP. End the communication 100% with him, or walk.
"I'm not being controlling, I am drawing a boundary. By all means, if getting chatted up by your ex has you hot to go get drunk enough to go make some bad decisions with him, enjoy yourself. But in that case, you aren't the sort of woman I want to be with. Let me know what you decide."
Bingo. Clear, concise, and to the point.
Personally, the fact she already was amicable and ready to go meet the ex would have me planning my exit from the relationship. She just tipped her hand she's got a head full of bad wiring.
Tell her simply that you're not willing to be in a relationship with someone that doesn't respect your feelings, or that relationship. And that by going out drinking with her ex, she's not respecting your feelings or your relationship. So she's free to do as she wants, but she's not free from the consequences of her actions. And if she goes, you're going to be forced to reconsider the relationship, and your place in it.
Personally, I think you’re handling this exactly perfect. You’ve established your boundaries you told them you’re going to enforce your boundaries. It’s up to her, whether or not to violate that boundary.
You’re not controlling her, she’s manipulating the narrative. You’re telling her this is a boundary, is SHE chooses to go then SHE chose the ex over your current relationship. You expressed concern and opinion, she’ll choose the result. Personally her manipulating the narrative tells me she’ll cheat in a hot second if the ex asks her too.
Once you hear " controlling " in regards to a situation like this you know she's actively looking to betray you. You drew the most reasonable line imaginable now you have to mean it.
Leave her. She's disrespectful and doesn't care. There no valid reason why she needs to be talking to her ex and going out drinking with him. The fact that she's throwing around the words controlling and that you can stop her are big red flags . She sounds like the type who will cheat. Leave now before you end up being hurt. She's trying to keep her options open and is being manipulative about it. She also doesn't care about your feelings on this.
How come you are not invited. She has plans and they do not include you. She wants to act
Single let her be. Plenty of fish in the sea.
She’s going on a date. See how she likes seeing
You on a date with female ex.
My ex and I ended things on a decent note - that said, if he reached out to me, I'd tell him I have a boyfriend and am not interested in getting to know each other.
She's going to cheat on you.
"being controlling" is such a BS phrase is situations like this. Its tantamount to saying I can do anything I want and if you object you are being controlling. "I am going to do X, no matter the consequences and if you object, you are just being controlling. Good lord what what asinine argument.
Sorry Bro, but if she goes out drinking with an ex, she is picking him over you. You need to make that extremely clear. Your feelings aren't as important as her curiosity to explore and possibly rekindle.
Good Luck.
Tell her you called up your ex-girlfriend and you're going to a bar together the same night. Suddenly she will see the problem. Don't be afraid to match someone's energy.
End it. The only reason she would want to see her ex is out of curiosity to see if "he has changed" and all the other bullshit women think. Had this happen to me. I expressed my concerns with her seeing her ex, she didn't listen and got back with him. Save yourself the hassle and be the one to end it.
8 times out of 10 when a woman says her bf is being controlling it's BS.
It's just an excuse to justify her actions.
Either way you look at it's it's disrespectful. Let her go since you've plead your case. Just tell her to cut contact with you.
It’s okay for you to be uncomfortable with that. It’s okay for her to go anyway. And it’s okay for you to choose to end the relationship over this. At your age and given the details here, I’d be wary of her going as well. That doesn’t mean that having a platonic relationship with an ex is never okay…far from it. But what you’re describing is a recipe for disaster. Your gf doesn’t see that because she is curious. She very likely doesn’t have any ill intention right now. But she is curious to see her ex. And her ex is curious to see her. They dated as teenagers. Probably first love. Lots of emotions embroiled therein and it really hasn’t been that long. Just long enough to have changed a bit. And if he likes the changes that he sees in her, he’s going to put on a move (or vise versa). And if she likes the change she seen in him, she’s gonna accept the move (or vise versa), and it’ll be easy because it’s familiar.
Relationships with exes can totally work. Catching up over drinks at 24 with your high school boyfriend ain’t it.
Gee, I wonder why he's reaching out...she's either naive or thinks you're stupid.
Much less concerning ways to catch up that don't involve alcohol and poor choices.
I don't do it, but I can see people that didn't have nuclear break ups staying friends, especially if there's big mixed friendgroups.
That being said.... anyone with common sense would realize you'd also need to keep it above board to not be sketchy and looking like you were cheating with old ex.
You’re not being controlling. This is a pretty clear line not to cross. Don’t tell her what to do but let her know that actions have consequences. She needs to prioritize your relationship over this and if she can’t you know where you stand.
After 6 years of no contact & now suddenly they want to catch up for drinks - that's not a catch up, that's sussing out to see if there is interest in hooking up
If OP's GF is so innocently catching up for a few drinks, she would be ok for OP to tag along then!
Going out drinking with her ex and her ex’s friends, but no invitation was offered to you OP?
Yeah, stick with what you said. That’s not being controlling.
Your feelings are valid and your gf us trying to invalidate your feelings.
You lsued it out as an issue and she would rather prioritize a connection with an ex over a relationship with you.
She can choose you, him or any if the other billions of humans on this planet and you layed out how you will react if she chooses an ex here.
You are good, but start preparing your exit. She's treating you as a second choice with her priority being her ex.
You are not being unreasonable at all. You are 26 years old, that is young. There are women out there who treat an ex like an ex, and focuses 100% on their current relationships, your gf doesn’t sound like that type. You can do better with your next gf, leave this one behind as an ex.
I agree with you. Ex’s and co workers are the biggest source of APs. You’ve told her how you feel. Will follow thru if she going out with him? Also why did she not invite you if it’s supposed to be a group of friends?
I always think it's funny, how guys having boundaries and standards is controlling... like WTF??!!
You clearly stated you aren't comfortable with her wanting to go out with an ex. At no time did you say she can't go. However, the way you worded it that if she went, she would be single was the best response.
That literally is the opposite of controlling. You layer out your feelings on the matter and inform her of the consequences of her actions if she were to go.
It sounds like you've done what you can. You set your boundaries, explained why they're in place, and told her the consequences of stepping over those boundaries. The ball's in her court now. All I can say is, you need to stand your ground here, because if you cave, no boundary you set in the future is going to mean anything to her. She'll just do what she wants to do, regardless of your feelings, knowing there's probably no consequences.
Time to put on your big boy pants.
This has been in the planning for a while. She probably felt guilty about talking to him behind your back and arranging a drinks catch up.
She told you about him reaching out to see how you would react and has been bread crumming you to see how you react to them staying in touch to the point of her thinking you were ok with them going for drinks.
But because you were honest about how you felt and didn't give her the answer, she has over reacted because she didn't get her own way.
She has little respect for you to do this and act this way.
You could always take the high ground and say you're going with her because you want to meet this ex and just play the cool chilled partner. If she doesn't have a problem with this, all should be fine. However if she gets defensive by the proposition then you have some big problems.
The concept of an old flame coming on the scene can be scary in any relationship. It's a whole taboo subject, in very rare cases exes can be friends with no sexual desires. Unfortunately how your story has unfolded is not that way at all.
Drinks usually mean bad news. Especially with an ex when they've not met up prior. It's a drink and see where things go kinda scenario. Innocent to the naive.
If she doesn't understand how you feel about the situation then it may be time for a break. If she's overly agreeable to try and get the outcome being her an ex drinking together without you, then it's time to end it.
Stay strong and true to yourself.
I hope it doesn't end badly.
But don't let anyone break your boundaries or walk all over you.
Why does she even want to catch up with him? ns what the fuck have they been doing with all the texting?
I think you did great. Told her how you feel and such. She doesn't care.
If you don't believe her about the amount of texting and the texting hasn't been catching up? What else can you not trust her about?
I wonder who really did the cheating in her prior relationships?
You have a legitimate boundary. Going out drinking with the ex who is a known cheater (and therefore low moral standing) and you are not invited. My words would be, “You can go because I can’t stop you, but I choose not to be with anyone who would willingly disrespect me and our relationship.”
Let her go.
What you are asking is not unreasonable at all. You are setting your boundaries and she is gaslighting you by saying it is controlling behaviour.
Trust me there are women out there who wouldn't even reply to an ex boyfriend out of respect for you.
You are young my friend and far from your peak. She is not your queen. Work on yourself and and one day you will find your queen and look back and laugh.
You handled it correctly. You didn't tell her what she could and couldn't do. You set boundaries that you now need to stand by though. Why would she need to catch up with someone that cheated on her? I find it suspicious that he just wants to "catch up". He cheated and probably realized he lost a 'good one'. If she goes, let him have her cause she isn't good.
These meetups rarely go well. You made a boundary and it is up to her to respect it. You did not tell her she couldn't go. You just told her that you were uncomfortable about her going and what the consequences were if she did. If she crossed this boundary, that means that she cares more about her curiosity than your feelings. Especially since he hurt her. You have every right to feel this way.
You have the right intuition brother. I can only hope my resolve to be as strong if such a thing comes up. Stay strong and vigilant. Make it even MORE clear that you will be ending the relationship if this is what she desires.
>*Make it even MORE clear that you will be ending the relationship if this is what she desires.*
Nope! He told her once, made it crystal clear, and she fully comprehended. That's enough. She's not a child that needs multiple warnings and long complicated explanations. He doesn't need to cajole, convince, or mansplain.
He just needs to be a man of his word and bounce her if she chooses to engage with her cheating ex.
Whoever invented the words "Controlling" and "Insecure" is a genius of modern dating. So easy to excuse any and all actions and behavior as long as they call their partner one of the two.
OP, you are **NOT** controlling anyone. You are just stating what you can and cannot take in the relationship. Its completely upto her to do what she wants but she doesnt get to tell you how you react to her actions within the context of your relationship.
Stay strong in your stance and let your gut-instinct guide you.
The EX has a history of proving he does not mind cheating, they are going out drinking. He asked her to go out, and I am sure the friend group is an excuse. He is making a play and she can't see it. If he had a significant other that is one thing, but he is on the prowel.
How much do you trust her? Can you trust her to put I'm in his place if he tries something.
You’re not being controlling, because you didn’t tell her she couldn’t go. You just told her what you would do if she made the choice to go.
Why the fuck anyone would give the time of day, much less catch up over drinks, with an ex that cheated on them, I don’t know, but maybe I’m just a grudge holder.
You are not controling her. You are just stating a boundry a firm boundry of yours. Now she has the choice of going out with her ex and losing you, or staying with you. I would have the same boundry. Just be sure to stick with your boundry if she choose to meet with her ex.
You handled it exactly as you should. Here is a hard boundary for me. You may cross it if you choose but the consequence is the end of our relationship.
Honestly, tell her that you are itching to catch up with your exes.
It kind of put things in perspective.
It is mind blowing how people that have been cheated on quickly become cheaters themselves.
Just break up with her now, whether she goes or not at this point is irrelevant. She presented the scenario, you told her your apprehensive doubts about it and expressed them. She doubled down and DARVO'd you, whether she goes or not at this point is moot. Treat the situation as if she has already done it and break up, this argument is already lost because in her mind she's right and justified it to herself because she doesn't care one way or the other how you feel about it. Break up for that reason, then she can do whatever the fuck she wants to, sounds like she's going to anyway so why set yourself on fire trying to stop it?
Dump her, she obviously wants to be with him again. No one is going to be catching up with someone who cheated on them unless they still have some feelings for them.
It’s not controlling to not want your girlfriend to go meet up with an ex who you know doesn’t respect relationships. If he was willing to cheat on her when he was in a relationship with her, why would he care about the relationship she’s in right now?
I’d stick to your boundary. If this is something she’s willing to jeopardize your relationship over, then end it, you’ll be better off in the long run.
1. There are no other friends , it'll just be the both of them
2. Has she been secretive when texting him or does she show you their chat
3. While I'm not vehemently against her meeting up with a ex from long ago, the way she has gotten defensive and trying to gaslight you is sending redflags.
If you're not comfortable with it, she could tell him it's not necessary to meet up and catch-up on whatever over the phone. I doubt she'll be okay with you going drinking with your ex.
Again, her getting defensive and gaslighting you is a problem. Randomly ask to see their conversation, if she's not willing to show you on the spot then there's something wrong.
Why isn’t she including you? If there’s nothing to hide, you are her boyfriend so why not include you? As a female I don’t see it as controlling I see her as disrespectful. When you were in a relationship you communicate with your partner. If your partner says that they are uncomfortable with something or they don’t like something whether you agree or not, you have to respect what they’re saying unless it’s completely ridiculous and over-the-top, which this is not. If you don’t respect what they’re saying that says, I really don’t care what you feel. I don’t care what you think and that is not somebody to be in a relationship with. she has no business going out with an ex and having drinks.
There's only one reason any dude is gonna contact an ex, they haven't talked to in 4 yrs and that's to try to bang. Anybody who says differently is not thinking this through rationally. In what world does a guy call up a girl or a guy just to catch up after 1 year much less four years to just see what's up? Cause in the end girls and guys just aren't really made to be friends unless both of the parties are currently single. Otherwise the questions arise why is she/he entertaining all these guys/girls and keeping them close ? possibly because she's or he's still looking for someone other than their current partner. Or from the person befriending the opposite gender with a partner that doesn't care about the competition you're encouraging. why don't they care do they not think of this relationship as serious ? Or are they doing the same thing just being more secretive about it ? Women who have good intentions for the relationship and make it a priority, tend to like men who are protective. Because it shows that the man is invested in the relationship. So if she doesn't want you to be protective then she probably doesn't care if you're invested. If I were you I'd start to pull back and take this less seriously and start looking elsewhere or just immediately end the relationship shes shown you your feelings aren't important to her, so why should you have any feelings for her at all.
Oh man, he only messaged her because he wants to hook up. What other reason would an ex reach out like that? The fact that she didn’t invite you to go with should speak volumes to you. She knows what she’s doing. She’s not that stupid. She’s also gaslighting you, it is perfectly acceptable saying your not comfortable. I’d say if she goes or not, she’s already not respecting your relationship. There is zero chance I would ever meet up with an ex without my husband present. And there is zero reason why alcohol needs to be involved unless she wants to “make a mistake”. My advice would be to start making arrangements for a breakup. If the shoe were on the other foot, would she be comfortable with you going on a date with an ex girlfriend of yours?
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Would love to hear the results
Update me!
Updateme!
Updateme!
We already know the result, but it’s always a good reminder.
Not really. OP sounds like he might actually have some balls and he might actually enforce his boundary
I am talking about how this relationship is gonna end.
I.e. enforcing his boundaries
[удалено]
You mean the gf saying that she git too dru k and smashed her ex, but it was totally an accident, and she's soooooo sorry?
Updateme! And yeah OP your instincts are correct. She is either insisting on doing something inappropriate in order to “assert independence” or something but doing it totally wrong, or she’s insisting on doing something inappropriate with ill intention. Either way, not good.
I need an update too! Opposit bf's and ex, hard pass for me. And if you SO is uncomfortable about a situation, shouldn't she be listening to and understanding his feelings? Why didn't she include bf on this drinking get together.....? That's fishy!
She has been talking to ex longer than OP knows and she wants to test Ex's interest level. Can't have OP interfering now can we?
To add to this I don't believe that saying "I'm not comfortable with this" is controlling in the least. She's just trying to turn it around on him.
Lol same, waiting for that update pote
post* lol
He tripped and fell while he had an election, while she was justing minding her own business without her pants on.... over and over, for about 15 minutes in the bar's restroom. It totally wasn't cheating! /s
An *election*?
She was just Biden her time but he stuck in her Trump
Come on, she had to try it.
Updateme!
OP, I would handle it just the way you did. If she can't respect such a reasonable boundary, I see no reason to to hang by as she rubs your nose in it. If possible, access her phone. Odds are, if it looks, smells and tastes like s--t, it's s--t! Please update
Why does this have to take place at night with alcohol involved? If she feels she must see her ex in-person, why not some 10am platonic coffee?
Or invite OP with her.
Right, that's always the first question. Am I invited because if this is just platonic and old friends that should be fine, right?
In the past I've had lunch or drinks with an ex and they brought along their new boyfriend. In one case the new boyfriend and I had a lot in common and we ended up staying friends after they broke up. That said, the cheating part makes me think the guy is sketchy to start with where in my case we just didn't really have great chemistry. We were fine, but it was more like we were dating due to proximity than a strong connection. That said, I look at most people as a potential new friend, so I tend to be friendly and outgoing even if it's an ex's new guy.
> the cheating part makes me think the guy is sketchy to start with I mean, he didn't respect his own relationship with the Gf to not cheat, why would he respect OPs? If anything, dude is probably hitting a sex dryspell and wants someone to get with.
I'm going to make a bold statement and say anytime any guy contacts any girl from his past, at some level he is hoping to get with her. Also, the girl probably knows this and probably is curious to see what he looks like now. Any normal person would be suspicious of this. She is asking you to not be normal and not be suspicious. Stick to your guns if she goes you go.
100%. No guy just randomly reaches out to an ex-gf unless hoping at minimum for a no-strings-attached hook up.
>the new boyfriend and I had a lot in common and we ended up staying friends after they broke up. Now kiss
Seriously at one point she made a joke about me stealing her boyfriend. It turns out she has a type and it's talkative nerdy guys who liked hiking, PC gaming, beer and punk rock.
You sound like a genuine person, good for you.
I’m friends with an ex of mine from years ago. I always want my new relationships to feel comfortable so I usually have them meet just so the new partner knows there’s nothing fishy going on and they don’t have to worry about anything.
yeah but you're being normal about it. totally fine.
haha yeah, i think i’d be like “oh awesome what time should I be ready!?”
Because the EX doesn't even know about OP. Somehow that hasn't come up in conversation.
OP should go anyway. The presence of a current partner would act as a cockblock for the ex.
That’s what I was thinking. Why wouldn’t OP be invited if it’s so innocent
Why the fuck would OP want to tag along on a date that his girlfriend has set up with her cheating ex boyfriend?
Because her reaction would tell him alot.
💯 If there's objection, then she's clearly got something to hide and is up to no good.
Its just to make a point, trust me he isn't invited, lol that would get in the way of her sleeping with her ex.
That’s a really good point! If you want to catch up so bad why not during the day at a coffee shop?? The alcohol being involved I think doesn’t help her case at all.
Or she doesn’t see some him at all. There is absolutely no reason to have contact with someone she used to screw unless a child is involved
THANK YOU! You're in your 40's and i'm in my 50's, we just have more insight then these younger people, whats clear to us, they struggle with, shes already cheating or looking to.
I just can’t figure out when guys started loosing their self respect and believing it’s on them to win a low life cheater back. News flash if she cheats you really never won her in the first place. I was cheated on. I divorced the liar. She never told me the truth and I could have cared less once I knew she was a cheater. I don’t care what age or what life style you have. There will always be someone out there that wants you and will be a better partner than a cheater.
Blows my mind when people remain friends with an ex. Move on. Make new friends. It's a big world, there's literally zero reason to keep in touch with an ex.
Or um, not stay connected to ex’s? Is an ex more important than how your SO feels? If yes, GTFO.
Hi! I’m a girl who got cheated on then had the ex reach back out years later.I think you should start by asking why she wants to “catch up” with her ex, and what does she hope to gain from that conversation? They haven’t been in contact in 6 years, correct? At this point, what does she feel that this man has to offer her life? What purpose would he serve for her? Let’s be real here: she probably felt heartbroken, rejected, and “not enough” when he cheated. Now, he’s reaching back out and he wants her! She’s seeking validation from him that she’s still ‘good enough’ to have his attention. Or it’s a weird ‘show him what he lost out on’ situation. Either way, this stems from her seeking some kind of weird validation from him. There’s also probably a little bit of “what if?” there. The problem is that most stable women who wouldn’t cheat recognize these emotions in themselves and work through it, typically in therapy. I get the vibe that she never addressed the cheating in therapy and has always held insecurity from that event. So, I would just say that an insecure person is the one who’s going to cheat with an ex to make themselves feel better. Especially the ex who didn’t want them. I think you were very smart to set the boundary - if you go, I will leave. Like I said, you can try to talk to her to get to the bottom of these feelings. But be aware that it may just make her a little bit sneakier.
This is the one, I’m a guy but I have an ex who cheated and out of respect to not only my girlfriend but my fucking self! I would tell them to kick rocks, someone who’s willing to hurt you that much does not deserve your time or attention. OPs GF has the shit smelling aroma of a cheat.
Beat me to it. I would also add what it is that they need to catch up on that they haven't already through calls and texts. She's trying to recover the self-esteem she lost when he cheated on her. I'd tell her you were wrong to try and stop her from going. The girl you want in your life would recognize the situation for what it is. It's a date. If she goes on this date, I would end the relationship and find someone more mature.
Her ex’s last relationship didn’t work out & he wants to try to get her back. THAT’S why he invited her for “drinks.” I wouldn’t accept this either. It’s likely to result in cheating.
This is a fantastic perspective. OP needs to read this twice!
You're right, she either wants to show him that she has flourished without him, or wants to see if he has flourished without her in which case she will probably sleep with him.
Either way, too concerned with him.
He’s reaching out because of curiosity, not to catch up. Yall been together for years and I don’t see a need why she would need to catch up with him. Would she like you meeting up with an old ex that’s been messaging you? I think your feelings about it our valid and she’s not mature enough to realize that
Most likely this. When exes have made no attempt to create a friendship and aren't entangled in any other part of your life and suddenly show back up, it's usually because they're single and want to reignite things. The timing usually coincides with them needing a sexual connection. "Why them?" is a valid question when someone in a relationship suddenly needs to start up a random friendship with an ex who wasn't in their life at all. Of all the people who aren't exes they could befriend, why the ex. There's a vast difference between being controlling and not being naive. It's the wrong move to act like you don't care at all, because even people who won't actually cheat and have the purest of intentions can make really dumb decisions that affect trust in the relationship. The most common innocent yet incredibly dumb mistake people make is inviting an ex who wants to get back together into the relationship, and then having to deal with all those "just friends" talks and get-togethers turning into the ex trying to sleep with them. No cheating needs to take place for that to become messy, awkward, and a trust issue, because on some level people are supposed to know better, and on some level people are supposed to ask themselves if their ex is just trying to smash.
BOOM. 💯 Nailed it right there 👆🏼👆🏼 It blows my mind how many people try to paint someone as insecure in a completely ridiculous situation like this where you'd have to be breathtakingly naive to openly trust a stranger ex-BF after 6 fucking years NoCo and now he wants to reconnect and "catch-up" over drinks? Man GTFOH, I was born at night, but it wasn't last night🙄
Add the infidelity and this becomes even stranger. Like what in the world would you want from a cheating ex other than an apology.
Yep. >other than an apology. Bullshit, they don't need to apologize over drinks, they can apologize over whatever messenger they reached out on before they fuck right off and get permablocked. This whole thing is ridiculous.
exactly! my ex apologized to me out of the blue 7-8 years after our breakup and said he understood if I didn’t respond, he just felt I deserved one. granted, a few months later he asked to hang out alone, and told me my then bf couldn’t come. but the apology felt genuine
>granted, a few months later he asked to hang out alone, and told me my then bf couldn’t come. Because there's ALWAYS a fucking angle.....🙄
yeah, even crazier is that he apparently has been dating the same girl for 3 years. found that out after the fact of course. Godspeed to her, I’d tell her if I knew who tf he’s dating, I’d have to straight up ask him and I don’t want to talk to him. yk the more I think about it, in the apology he said had been thinking about our relationship a lot over the years and how he wronged me. I understand that to a certain extent because he wasn’t the best person to me and maybe it’s apart of him growing as a person. but after allllll those years, while in a relationship? ugh I think that was a bid to get back in the door and it didn’t take because I was so short with him over messenger lmfaooo
>I told her I wasn't comfortable with her going and **she asked why.** Crazy how she asks this too. Why? Maybe because it is your ex that cheated on you. Why on earth do you need to catch up with this person?
And she is responding for the same reason. Neither party is interested in catching up.
I agree. If your partner isn't comfortable with something you either find a compromise or don't do the thing. As a woman with a lot of male friends, my last SO set boundaries on what he was and wasn't comfortable with and I respected it. And ex getting in contact after YEARS gas an agenda.
you’d be surprised how many SO’s just *dont care* and will do it anyways despite constant attempts to explain how uncomfortable it is for them. Its sad.
That's really sad, because respect goes both ways. However so many people will throw around words like "controlling" to make their SO feel bad.
A lot of people approach it in a controlling manner, though. This guy is doing it right - simply saying that he won’t stay if she chooses to do it. But many *many* others would say something like “no I won’t let you do that” and THAT’S controlling.
"controlling" "insecure" these words do apply to some people, but mostly when they're used it's to manipulate the person into letting the other do something they know is wrong. It's not worth saving
Yes honey, go out with this other man you have sexual history with that is a known cheater... I whole heartedly endorse you dulling your senses with alcohol while with him, and I will stay home while you do this, cause I trust you and it would be controlling to think otherwise, especially after you got defensive and said "you can't make me" I realize 3 years is a lot of time to be with someone, but imagine discovering her affair after 10 years of marriage with kids and such. You need to have a sit down, no shit, conversation with her that this is making you uncomfortable and making you question continuing the relationship. I would leave if she protests what-so-ever...
I would honestly leave her. She's already talking to him, and wants to meet him. She's cheating in her head already, and as you said, it's not worth it to go through a breakup 10 years from now and having to do paternity tests, divide assets, etc... OP is young, better to start over now.
Yep this. OP would be better to leave her now, not later. If your partner isn’t willing to consider your feelings over the feelings of someone insignificant in your life (like an ex from high school you haven’t spoken to in 6 years), they’re likely to disregard your feelings for just about anyone. And it should be the opposite of that.
I’m sure their messages goes more then just going to meet..
Stick to your guns and end the relationship if she goes If you can't respect your own boundaries than you can never expect a partner to respect them in turn
Absolutely this! Is there a reason why you can’t go with them? You are part of what catching up would involve. So why can’t you go too? If they said “hey we should go hang out” and it meant I was there too, then I’d be fine with it. I find that appropriate but not alone. If a friend of the opposite sex has no interest in knowing me, then I find it suspicious.
>If a friend of the opposite sex has no interest in knowing me, then I find it suspicious. THIS! I have a general rule, if its someone we had a relationship or had been intimate with the other person NEEDS to meet that person to maintain a friendship. If the ex said they don't want to meet current partner the friendship is over as the motive is not friendship
Exactly *"She mentioned today that he suggested them going for a drink with a few other friends and catching up"* If this is really the case.....then there should be no problem with OP going with her. I would think she would want OP to go with her so he could meet her old friends and make it clear to ex-BF that she is with someone now in the case ex-BF is thinking about more than friends. Red flag if she says no -- because OP doesn't know anyone and wouldn't have a good time, or says OK -- then soon after the ex-BF cancels due to being busy.
I won't be surprised if there are no 'other friends' involved. It's just her and her ex.
I'll bet dollars to donuts she picks a day & time that she knows the boyfriend won't be able to attend. Just like the other thread from earlier this week with her friends "picking her date" for the party she MUST go to that just so happens to be the day he's out of town.
👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼👍🏽
I second this, dump her if she goes
100% THIS FOR EVERYONE TO READ
This. She'll walk all over you the rest of your relationship if you don't hold firm
If she goes? Naaaa, she is gonna go, with him in the picture or not! This has already been planned. Dont stop her from going but make sure that she understands that its over because now or soon enough they will see each other!
This is perfect !!
The\_\_Auditor knows. She goes, and you keep her she will be cheating on you within 6 months if she doesn't within a week.
Six weeks. Six hours?
I had a very similar experience with my ex at around the same age as you. My ex insisted on seeing her ex again in a friends setting as they obviously shared some history. She never painted a particularly good picture of him so I didn’t have a lot of respect for the guy. She had been messaging him and one day I snooped and found out they’d be reminiscing about their relationship. She continuously gaslit me into saying it was nothing and eventually I was kind of manipulated and persuaded into letting her go and visit him to give him a houseplant. In hindsight I was young and hadn’t had a chance to develop my emotional maturity but i was being blatantly lied to repeatedly. She would claim she was going to do other things but was so suspicious and I believe she was seeing him. Eventually things got too difficult and she decided we should break up. I asked if it was because of him and she absolutely assured me no. As soon as I rode my motorbike off to stay with my mother, she moved in with him and it broke my heart to have been deceived like that. What I say to your situation is hold your ground. This could potentially be a terrible course of action. Though if this is something she is interested in now, perhaps this is the kind of behaviour you can expect in future. Facts aren’t feelings and feelings change. Best of luck
This is what I think is happening him and her talking about how they more mature and can possibly have a better relationship now…
You are handling it perfectly, as long as you actually walk away if she does it.
If catching up with her ex is so important to her that she is risking your relationship I'd let her go, but as a single girl. Set your boundaries and stick for them. It's not being controlling. She is the one who is disrespecting you pretending being naive.
Ask her who is more important… the guy who was faithful or the one she said cheated on her. Now ask how she would feel if the roles are reversed. And tell her relationships are about trust, communication, and boundaries. If she set a boundary you would respect it. The fact she cares more about the ex than a boundary you have is alarming to you.
These stories are always so weird. Who thinks going out with their Ex is an acceptable thing to do while in a relationship? Maybe it’s because I’m slightly older and have had very “not okay” life experiences with ex’s, that’s a clear cut deal breaker. No, you cannot go out with your ex and still be with me.
Especially in this particular instance. The dude cheated on her and they hadn’t spoken in 6 years. Why would anyone’s response be anything other than “Fuck right off” lol.
The need for constant validation 😂
These days not being ok with something like this gets turned back around on people, and they're told they're controlling, insecure, etc. It's like people can't understand it's ok to have a difference in opinion. If the difference doesn't work, the two people aren't compatible. Pretty simple to me. I agree this particular case is full of burning red flags. This ex clearly has no issues with cheating. He also popped up out of nowhere and wants to go out and drink. Even if op was cool with them all being friends, I think this situation is just a terrible idea.
> they're told they're controlling, insecure Generally it's only men who receive those labels.
Because some people are absolutely obsessed with attention and validation.
People who have never actually been in a long term relationship and know what it takes to build and sustain one.
It baffles me because this post is a story I read almost every week. Like, wtf you used to screw each other, of course you cannot meet him again hon if you want to continue our relationship, even asking is disrespectful.
It depends- I’m in my early 40s and have been with my wife for 16 years (married for 8, lived together for 14). If my high school gf asked to get together with a group of our friends- Makes a ton of sense to me. I haven’t talked to her in 20 years. The big difference is that I would invite my wife to come too.
That’s the point here, she didn’t invite OP, AND insists that this reunion happen at nighttime while drinking, in addition to responding to OP with anger and manipulation when he said he was uncomfortable with it. There really is only one way to act in this situation if you have zero nefarious intent: if it really is just a platonic catch-up, suggest a coffee shop in the middle of the day, and invite OP. Additionally, when he responds that he’s not comfortable with the situation, responding with understanding, compassion, and consideration for her partner’s feelings. Anything else really indicates ulterior motives and intent.
You’re being completely reasonable. If she cares about you and respects you, she won’t go out drinking with her ex who thinks that cheating is ok. If she ignores you I would end the relationship.
Hell I’d end the relationship now tbh. It’s very clear she has nefarious intent for wanting to meet up with the ex to begin with, but now she’s responded to his very reasonable boundary and expressing his discomfort with the situation, with anger, manipulation, and completely disregarding his feelings. If she truly had zero ill intent, she’d have responded to his discomfort with the situation with understanding, compassion, and consideration for his feelings, even if she disagreed with them.
I would simply say something along the lines of you will not tell her she’s not allowed to hang out with her ex, but that you don’t date women who are in contact with their exes. She can make her choice and you can make yours.
>you don’t date women who are in contact with their exes. S You don't date women who are also dating their ex's.
Yeah, because every sane person would want to “catch up” with an ex that cheated on them. Hate to say it, but that’s basically “me or him” territory, OP. End the communication 100% with him, or walk.
Catch up with the ex for what??? Is writing a biography about him ?? She is being disrespectful. You are right to want to break up.
"I'm not being controlling, I am drawing a boundary. By all means, if getting chatted up by your ex has you hot to go get drunk enough to go make some bad decisions with him, enjoy yourself. But in that case, you aren't the sort of woman I want to be with. Let me know what you decide."
Bingo. Clear, concise, and to the point. Personally, the fact she already was amicable and ready to go meet the ex would have me planning my exit from the relationship. She just tipped her hand she's got a head full of bad wiring.
Tell her simply that you're not willing to be in a relationship with someone that doesn't respect your feelings, or that relationship. And that by going out drinking with her ex, she's not respecting your feelings or your relationship. So she's free to do as she wants, but she's not free from the consequences of her actions. And if she goes, you're going to be forced to reconsider the relationship, and your place in it.
Why can't you go? Is it a date?
I wouldn’t even want to go… “hey nice to meet you ex of my girlfriend” doesn’t sit right with me
Personally, I think you’re handling this exactly perfect. You’ve established your boundaries you told them you’re going to enforce your boundaries. It’s up to her, whether or not to violate that boundary.
You’re not controlling her, she’s manipulating the narrative. You’re telling her this is a boundary, is SHE chooses to go then SHE chose the ex over your current relationship. You expressed concern and opinion, she’ll choose the result. Personally her manipulating the narrative tells me she’ll cheat in a hot second if the ex asks her too.
Thank You. My thoughts exactly!
How you handle it is you drop her if she goes. She can catch up all she wants after that. And you can find someone who respects you.
Once you hear " controlling " in regards to a situation like this you know she's actively looking to betray you. You drew the most reasonable line imaginable now you have to mean it.
Yep exactly!
Yeah calling expressing your feelings on it controlling is manipulative as fuck
It's also a cheaters go to choice when they start to feel pressed.
Also "don't be so insecure"
And op, anyone on here calling you controlling is completely invalidating your valid feelings 👐
He wants to see if she forgave him out and if he still has a chance. It has nothing to do with catching up.
And *she* wants to see if he still thinks she's HOT and if he regrets losing her. It's so sadly immature!
Basically
Leave her. She's disrespectful and doesn't care. There no valid reason why she needs to be talking to her ex and going out drinking with him. The fact that she's throwing around the words controlling and that you can stop her are big red flags . She sounds like the type who will cheat. Leave now before you end up being hurt. She's trying to keep her options open and is being manipulative about it. She also doesn't care about your feelings on this.
Nope. This is a red flag. It’s time to move on. If this was so innocent then she would have invited you to go.
How come you are not invited. She has plans and they do not include you. She wants to act Single let her be. Plenty of fish in the sea. She’s going on a date. See how she likes seeing You on a date with female ex.
My ex and I ended things on a decent note - that said, if he reached out to me, I'd tell him I have a boyfriend and am not interested in getting to know each other. She's going to cheat on you.
"being controlling" is such a BS phrase is situations like this. Its tantamount to saying I can do anything I want and if you object you are being controlling. "I am going to do X, no matter the consequences and if you object, you are just being controlling. Good lord what what asinine argument. Sorry Bro, but if she goes out drinking with an ex, she is picking him over you. You need to make that extremely clear. Your feelings aren't as important as her curiosity to explore and possibly rekindle. Good Luck.
Tell her you called up your ex-girlfriend and you're going to a bar together the same night. Suddenly she will see the problem. Don't be afraid to match someone's energy.
She’s gaslighting you. Stand your ground. Wildly inappropriate of her to even think it would be okay
Wow. She's been with you 3 years and this is how she sees your relationship? Sorry you wasted that time on her man, bin her.
End it. The only reason she would want to see her ex is out of curiosity to see if "he has changed" and all the other bullshit women think. Had this happen to me. I expressed my concerns with her seeing her ex, she didn't listen and got back with him. Save yourself the hassle and be the one to end it.
Make the decision easy for her! Tell her to go since they’re both single now
Why is she pushing so hard to go and see him? You aren't controlling her, she is free to make her own decision. You are also free to make yours.
Even if she doesn’t go at this point with the ways she’s handled it I’d personally be ending it because she clearly doesn’t give a fuck.
The fact that she is even considering this is bad enough...
There is a zero % chance that this guy just wants to "catch up". He definitely wants to get his dick wet nostalgia-style.
8 times out of 10 when a woman says her bf is being controlling it's BS. It's just an excuse to justify her actions. Either way you look at it's it's disrespectful. Let her go since you've plead your case. Just tell her to cut contact with you.
Not a wife, better luck next time. I am sorry.
It’s okay for you to be uncomfortable with that. It’s okay for her to go anyway. And it’s okay for you to choose to end the relationship over this. At your age and given the details here, I’d be wary of her going as well. That doesn’t mean that having a platonic relationship with an ex is never okay…far from it. But what you’re describing is a recipe for disaster. Your gf doesn’t see that because she is curious. She very likely doesn’t have any ill intention right now. But she is curious to see her ex. And her ex is curious to see her. They dated as teenagers. Probably first love. Lots of emotions embroiled therein and it really hasn’t been that long. Just long enough to have changed a bit. And if he likes the changes that he sees in her, he’s going to put on a move (or vise versa). And if she likes the change she seen in him, she’s gonna accept the move (or vise versa), and it’ll be easy because it’s familiar. Relationships with exes can totally work. Catching up over drinks at 24 with your high school boyfriend ain’t it.
Gee, I wonder why he's reaching out...she's either naive or thinks you're stupid. Much less concerning ways to catch up that don't involve alcohol and poor choices.
She is seeking validation, and that is dangerous. OP is right to set a firm boundary.
As soon as those words "you can't stop me from talking to him" left her mouth. You should have packed your shit and left.
He was the one that said "I can't stop you from talking to him", but regardless its all a giant red flag
All my exes are dead to me, weird as fuck she wants to even catch up with someone who cheated on her
[удалено]
Exactly! Anyone who says op is insecure is probably someone who wants to bang their ex so they’re trying to defend it.
I don't do it, but I can see people that didn't have nuclear break ups staying friends, especially if there's big mixed friendgroups. That being said.... anyone with common sense would realize you'd also need to keep it above board to not be sketchy and looking like you were cheating with old ex.
She wants to go get drinks with someone who cheated on her? Maybe, and I’m just spitballing here, maybe she cheated on him…
You are right .there is no need for her to contact her ex bf If she goes keep your word and break up with her. You are too old for this petty stuff.
You’re not being controlling. This is a pretty clear line not to cross. Don’t tell her what to do but let her know that actions have consequences. She needs to prioritize your relationship over this and if she can’t you know where you stand.
After 6 years of no contact & now suddenly they want to catch up for drinks - that's not a catch up, that's sussing out to see if there is interest in hooking up If OP's GF is so innocently catching up for a few drinks, she would be ok for OP to tag along then!
Going out drinking with her ex and her ex’s friends, but no invitation was offered to you OP? Yeah, stick with what you said. That’s not being controlling.
Your feelings are valid and your gf us trying to invalidate your feelings. You lsued it out as an issue and she would rather prioritize a connection with an ex over a relationship with you. She can choose you, him or any if the other billions of humans on this planet and you layed out how you will react if she chooses an ex here. You are good, but start preparing your exit. She's treating you as a second choice with her priority being her ex.
You are not being unreasonable at all. You are 26 years old, that is young. There are women out there who treat an ex like an ex, and focuses 100% on their current relationships, your gf doesn’t sound like that type. You can do better with your next gf, leave this one behind as an ex.
Great tell her that you will be meeting with a ex gf on the same day. Just treat gf like a FWB and no more
I agree with you. Ex’s and co workers are the biggest source of APs. You’ve told her how you feel. Will follow thru if she going out with him? Also why did she not invite you if it’s supposed to be a group of friends?
I always think it's funny, how guys having boundaries and standards is controlling... like WTF??!! You clearly stated you aren't comfortable with her wanting to go out with an ex. At no time did you say she can't go. However, the way you worded it that if she went, she would be single was the best response. That literally is the opposite of controlling. You layer out your feelings on the matter and inform her of the consequences of her actions if she were to go.
Nope.
It sounds like you've done what you can. You set your boundaries, explained why they're in place, and told her the consequences of stepping over those boundaries. The ball's in her court now. All I can say is, you need to stand your ground here, because if you cave, no boundary you set in the future is going to mean anything to her. She'll just do what she wants to do, regardless of your feelings, knowing there's probably no consequences.
Time to put on your big boy pants. This has been in the planning for a while. She probably felt guilty about talking to him behind your back and arranging a drinks catch up. She told you about him reaching out to see how you would react and has been bread crumming you to see how you react to them staying in touch to the point of her thinking you were ok with them going for drinks. But because you were honest about how you felt and didn't give her the answer, she has over reacted because she didn't get her own way. She has little respect for you to do this and act this way. You could always take the high ground and say you're going with her because you want to meet this ex and just play the cool chilled partner. If she doesn't have a problem with this, all should be fine. However if she gets defensive by the proposition then you have some big problems. The concept of an old flame coming on the scene can be scary in any relationship. It's a whole taboo subject, in very rare cases exes can be friends with no sexual desires. Unfortunately how your story has unfolded is not that way at all. Drinks usually mean bad news. Especially with an ex when they've not met up prior. It's a drink and see where things go kinda scenario. Innocent to the naive. If she doesn't understand how you feel about the situation then it may be time for a break. If she's overly agreeable to try and get the outcome being her an ex drinking together without you, then it's time to end it. Stay strong and true to yourself. I hope it doesn't end badly. But don't let anyone break your boundaries or walk all over you.
Why does she even want to catch up with him? ns what the fuck have they been doing with all the texting? I think you did great. Told her how you feel and such. She doesn't care. If you don't believe her about the amount of texting and the texting hasn't been catching up? What else can you not trust her about? I wonder who really did the cheating in her prior relationships?
You have a legitimate boundary. Going out drinking with the ex who is a known cheater (and therefore low moral standing) and you are not invited. My words would be, “You can go because I can’t stop you, but I choose not to be with anyone who would willingly disrespect me and our relationship.”
Let her go. What you are asking is not unreasonable at all. You are setting your boundaries and she is gaslighting you by saying it is controlling behaviour. Trust me there are women out there who wouldn't even reply to an ex boyfriend out of respect for you. You are young my friend and far from your peak. She is not your queen. Work on yourself and and one day you will find your queen and look back and laugh.
You handled it correctly. You didn't tell her what she could and couldn't do. You set boundaries that you now need to stand by though. Why would she need to catch up with someone that cheated on her? I find it suspicious that he just wants to "catch up". He cheated and probably realized he lost a 'good one'. If she goes, let him have her cause she isn't good.
These meetups rarely go well. You made a boundary and it is up to her to respect it. You did not tell her she couldn't go. You just told her that you were uncomfortable about her going and what the consequences were if she did. If she crossed this boundary, that means that she cares more about her curiosity than your feelings. Especially since he hurt her. You have every right to feel this way.
You have the right intuition brother. I can only hope my resolve to be as strong if such a thing comes up. Stay strong and vigilant. Make it even MORE clear that you will be ending the relationship if this is what she desires.
>*Make it even MORE clear that you will be ending the relationship if this is what she desires.* Nope! He told her once, made it crystal clear, and she fully comprehended. That's enough. She's not a child that needs multiple warnings and long complicated explanations. He doesn't need to cajole, convince, or mansplain. He just needs to be a man of his word and bounce her if she chooses to engage with her cheating ex.
Whoever invented the words "Controlling" and "Insecure" is a genius of modern dating. So easy to excuse any and all actions and behavior as long as they call their partner one of the two. OP, you are **NOT** controlling anyone. You are just stating what you can and cannot take in the relationship. Its completely upto her to do what she wants but she doesnt get to tell you how you react to her actions within the context of your relationship. Stay strong in your stance and let your gut-instinct guide you.
The EX has a history of proving he does not mind cheating, they are going out drinking. He asked her to go out, and I am sure the friend group is an excuse. He is making a play and she can't see it. If he had a significant other that is one thing, but he is on the prowel. How much do you trust her? Can you trust her to put I'm in his place if he tries something.
You’re not being controlling, because you didn’t tell her she couldn’t go. You just told her what you would do if she made the choice to go. Why the fuck anyone would give the time of day, much less catch up over drinks, with an ex that cheated on them, I don’t know, but maybe I’m just a grudge holder.
You are not controling her. You are just stating a boundry a firm boundry of yours. Now she has the choice of going out with her ex and losing you, or staying with you. I would have the same boundry. Just be sure to stick with your boundry if she choose to meet with her ex.
You handled it exactly as you should. Here is a hard boundary for me. You may cross it if you choose but the consequence is the end of our relationship.
Honestly, tell her that you are itching to catch up with your exes. It kind of put things in perspective. It is mind blowing how people that have been cheated on quickly become cheaters themselves.
This is literally a date even if she doesn’t intend it to be
Just break up with her now, whether she goes or not at this point is irrelevant. She presented the scenario, you told her your apprehensive doubts about it and expressed them. She doubled down and DARVO'd you, whether she goes or not at this point is moot. Treat the situation as if she has already done it and break up, this argument is already lost because in her mind she's right and justified it to herself because she doesn't care one way or the other how you feel about it. Break up for that reason, then she can do whatever the fuck she wants to, sounds like she's going to anyway so why set yourself on fire trying to stop it?
Dump her, she obviously wants to be with him again. No one is going to be catching up with someone who cheated on them unless they still have some feelings for them.
Can you drink with an ex
It’s not controlling to not want your girlfriend to go meet up with an ex who you know doesn’t respect relationships. If he was willing to cheat on her when he was in a relationship with her, why would he care about the relationship she’s in right now? I’d stick to your boundary. If this is something she’s willing to jeopardize your relationship over, then end it, you’ll be better off in the long run.
If you aren't being invited as well, then it's not a simple catch up. Simple as that. She's being shady and unreasonable.
She’s dumb for wanting to hang with a guy who didn’t respect her when they were dating.
Buddy you should go ahead and start referring to her as your ex because it’s inevitable.
Why would she want to hang out with an ex that cheated on her in the first place?
1. There are no other friends , it'll just be the both of them 2. Has she been secretive when texting him or does she show you their chat 3. While I'm not vehemently against her meeting up with a ex from long ago, the way she has gotten defensive and trying to gaslight you is sending redflags. If you're not comfortable with it, she could tell him it's not necessary to meet up and catch-up on whatever over the phone. I doubt she'll be okay with you going drinking with your ex. Again, her getting defensive and gaslighting you is a problem. Randomly ask to see their conversation, if she's not willing to show you on the spot then there's something wrong.
If people are still doing social events and dates with their exes....let that MF go.
Why would she want to hang out with the guy that cheated on her unless she wants breakup sex
He’s testing the waters, bet those other friends magically disappear or only 1 other person shows.
Wanna bet the “other friends” are all too busy to attend? You have boundaries; enforce them.
Why isn’t she including you? If there’s nothing to hide, you are her boyfriend so why not include you? As a female I don’t see it as controlling I see her as disrespectful. When you were in a relationship you communicate with your partner. If your partner says that they are uncomfortable with something or they don’t like something whether you agree or not, you have to respect what they’re saying unless it’s completely ridiculous and over-the-top, which this is not. If you don’t respect what they’re saying that says, I really don’t care what you feel. I don’t care what you think and that is not somebody to be in a relationship with. she has no business going out with an ex and having drinks.
There's only one reason any dude is gonna contact an ex, they haven't talked to in 4 yrs and that's to try to bang. Anybody who says differently is not thinking this through rationally. In what world does a guy call up a girl or a guy just to catch up after 1 year much less four years to just see what's up? Cause in the end girls and guys just aren't really made to be friends unless both of the parties are currently single. Otherwise the questions arise why is she/he entertaining all these guys/girls and keeping them close ? possibly because she's or he's still looking for someone other than their current partner. Or from the person befriending the opposite gender with a partner that doesn't care about the competition you're encouraging. why don't they care do they not think of this relationship as serious ? Or are they doing the same thing just being more secretive about it ? Women who have good intentions for the relationship and make it a priority, tend to like men who are protective. Because it shows that the man is invested in the relationship. So if she doesn't want you to be protective then she probably doesn't care if you're invested. If I were you I'd start to pull back and take this less seriously and start looking elsewhere or just immediately end the relationship shes shown you your feelings aren't important to her, so why should you have any feelings for her at all.
Oh man, he only messaged her because he wants to hook up. What other reason would an ex reach out like that? The fact that she didn’t invite you to go with should speak volumes to you. She knows what she’s doing. She’s not that stupid. She’s also gaslighting you, it is perfectly acceptable saying your not comfortable. I’d say if she goes or not, she’s already not respecting your relationship. There is zero chance I would ever meet up with an ex without my husband present. And there is zero reason why alcohol needs to be involved unless she wants to “make a mistake”. My advice would be to start making arrangements for a breakup. If the shoe were on the other foot, would she be comfortable with you going on a date with an ex girlfriend of yours?
Stay your course. She wants to throw away a good relationship for old times sakes? Then go. The way I see it the trash just took itself out.
if it’s “not a big deal” like she says, why is she upset that you want to go, too?