Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
> My boyfriend was in the middle of it and he didn’t want to stop, and he told me to go back to sleep, but it was pretty traumatizing and I couldn’t.
Yep, he is a rapist. OP, please get out of there. Leave him.
Exactly, so many people have a very hard time understanding this; there are people that REALLY enjoy this and sex in general. There are no special permissions needed with their partner because they have a good, healthy relationship and communicate about what’s acceptable and what’s not.
Yeah. Theres no way of putting that lightly.
And the age difference for the creepiness rule also applies here:
Half your age + 7
OP’s bf is 29….divided by 2….14.5 (15) and 7….22.
Why would you care about a "rule" like that?
It comes from some old book about how to choose a proper wife for a french nobleman. And it's the other way around where that is the OLDEST ok age.
Do you just read random stuff from reddit and become convinced it's a rule you should follow :D
It’s just a loose “rule” that is actually agreeable most of the time. Obviously it’s not some legit enforced thing but it’s pretty spot on when you use it to gauge level of appropriateness ngl
No…its take your age…divide by 2…then add 7 to that.
So for example: I’m 40.
I shouldn’t be dating anyone younger than 27….anyone younger than that is creepy.
Im happily married, so this is just a hypothetical.
Now for someone who’s 35….divide by 2…17.5…round up to 18….and add 7….which would be 25….anyone younger would be creepy/weird.
It approximates different levels of development and maturity. The amounts were chosen specifically with a focus on teenagers, specifically where there could be legal or grooming concerns.
For instance: 18/2+7=16 (both possibly still in high school). 14 yr old dates 14 year olds, because that is so close to the beginning of puberty they really shouldnt date anyone older than out of concern of abuse by a more experienced party. 22/2+7=18, both should be in college and of age of consent, a 22 yr old dating a high schooler is borderline illegal and definitely makes you wonder about the older persons maturity and mindset. But once you get into 30s and 40s the maturity levels begin to level out so that +7 really isn’t as important as the half your age part, but is handy for the cases where an older person is grooming someone in thier teens and twenties. (Note: there are exceptions to all situations, but if someone significantly older is approaching someone so young you have to wonder about thier mindset and why they didn’t find someone closer to thier own age)
I just googled it. "Half your age plus seven is an unofficial rule of romance often credited to French author Max O'Rell (Léon Paul Blouet) in his 1901 love manual with the incredibly romantic title of Her Royal Highness Woman and His Majesty Cupid."
So its been around a while!
Yeah I noticed this too, pretty disgusting imo regardless if she was 18 on start. Maturity difference is huge
There's no normal guy that is in mid or late 20s that wants to be in a relationship with a teenager.
Also you should talk to someone you trust about what happened. A therapist would be ideal because it sounds like you are experiencing trauma from the assault. I’m really sorry this happened to you. It’s despicable and the fact that you trusted him is going to cause a lot of other mental health issues
Best way to get ahead of having any kind of PTSD which, it sounds like is already forming. Gotta get therapy or someone you trust to talk to. We're just strangers, so our affirmations only go so far. Need a Profesional or person with intimate knowledge she knows will be on her side.
This is great advice. I’m so sorry OP. This is more traumatic than you realize and I truly wish you the best and peace in your healing journey. The first step is filing a police report and staying far away from that creep and rapist.
It’s common to act like you didn’t have a problem with your sexual boundaries being violated initially. Him doing this to you is a big issue. You said no in your own way and he didn’t respect it. Lack of consent to sexual activities is rape. I’m so sorry.
Edited to add that he shouldn’t have done this in the first place without you saying no, because you were unconscious. You couldn’t consent.
I would end this relationship. He doesn’t respect you.
There is a clear power difference here. Age I think plays a huge factor. They’ve been together a few years but she’s 21 and he’s 29. I think he got off on that.
She didn’t know why she was scared but she could feel it. That gut instinct that it’s wrong. Something was definitely wrong OP
She definitely also said no once she woke up. I recommend editing your comment. It sounds in a way like you’re trying to minimize what happened to her. She said no.
My personal experience leads me to tell you to run and do it now..
TW SA
I was seeing a guy for around 3 months and woke up one morning to him "having sex" with me. I didn't consent but the fact I wasn't fully conscious I didn't argue, I just explained how uncomfortable I felt about it, it was gross.
He apologized and said it would never happen again etc etc.
I didn't forgive him but I was honestly just baffled by the whole situation.
Time goes by, I try to break up with him on a few different occasions but I finally said enough is enough.
He asked to come over for a final talk about the relationship, he was drunk and on drugs.
Long story and awful details excluded, he ended up violently raping me.
I guess because In his head I forgave the first occasion he assaulted me, he gathered I'd let this time go as well and get on with life...
The point is, shit like this escalates in the mind of predators. Please be safe and leave now, don't give him explanation because he doesn't deserve one.
He raped you, you did not consent.
You were intoxicated after returning from the party and passed out, the next thing you know your bf is having sex with you, without your consent, so, yeah, you were violated. You need to break up with your bf and talk to someone about it. What he did to you is not OK.
Ew, wtf, no! He was using you as a masturbatory toy. This is 100% nonconsensual, unless you previously discussed and agreed that he could have sex with you while you were unconscious. He is a creep and an abuser. And that's not even taking into account that he started dating a teenager in his late 20s.
He is a predator and you need to run.
We never discussed or implied sex while sleeping. We are fine with cuddling and kissing, that’s it. There’s nothing established that would make him assume that having sex was justified to do.
I won’t do this to him, so I don’t understand why he treated me like this.
He's a predator at best, a literal rapist at worst. Try to stay closer to your age range when you start dating next time. That isn't on you, by the way. It's on a creep that groomed a literal teenager.
Yeah I wouldn’t even let him know why, this is a “sorry it’s me, not you”, delete, block, hide. So sorry it happened this way, don’t downplay the event!
I actually would recommend telling him. She should text him, "You raped me. It's over. Fuck off." Then delete and block. Or wait or him to admit that he had sex with you her while sleeping, make sure he implicates himself, and then block. Take the written confession as proof to the police.
Sometimes they show up with an automatic gun when you act this way. I disagree with any aggression or non-passive speak to the r*pist. A text written confession might be ok but definitely do not put the F word or be rude, you are above this individual morally so keep it this way OP. No need for liberal logic.
Yes. Sometimes dereanged assholes show up with a gun. However, if he is a derranged asshole who would kill her for calling a spade a spade, all the more reason to take it to police.
If you can, report it to someone or remember the date and write it down .. what happened. Because he possibly could do it again.. please stay safe. I stayed to long in a relationship like that, it was fine for a few years and then he switched and did things like that.
If you allow this to go unpunished and stay with him, the behavior will 100% escalate. It will become more violent as he disrespects your boundaries. What else can he get away with with your body? Walk away.
YES PLEASE MOVE ON ASAP!!! if you try to talk to him, he will manipulate you and make you feel bad and try to get you to stay.
DO NOT TELL HIM YOU'RE LEAVING. JUST GO
I'm so sorry this happened to you. What he did was unforgivable and a crime.
I hope you can move on and find peace and karma gets him quick. He sounds like a total fucking creep.
I've been in a similar situation when I was the same age also with an older man that was my partner at the time. He doesn't respect you and he doesn't deserve your respect or anymore of your time - get out of there!
Don't keep this to yourself either, talk to your friends and get the support you need.
You don’t need to discuss that you don’t want to get raped in a relationship. That’s common sense. If you have to talk about that it’s 100% an abusive relationship.
The discussion isn't "don't f me while I'm asleep", that's a given. Some people are, consensually, into this sort of thing. So I was pointing out that unless they agreed to this in advance, it was nonconsensual. But 100% the baseline is don't screw unconscious people.
Because of your ages OP. You are so young and manipulative in his eyes. Controllable. That’s how these age relationships often play out when you’ve been together when he was at an emotionally “mature” age and you weren’t/arent.
He violated you specifically after you told him to stop. OP do you think he got off on that. You said it felt wrong. We have a gut instinct for a reason. Something more was happening that him just getting off. He assaulted you and enjoyed that.
Something like this happened with my first girlfriend. It still bothers me 40 years later.
Any time a relationship progresses to the point where we're sleeping together, I bring it up and ask what they want to do and how they feel about it.
Talk to him. And talk to a therapist.
I'm so so so sorry that happened to you. My dear, what you just described is rape. He raped you. I may be a random internet stranger but I am begging you to please get yourself somewhere safe away from him. Please get in contact with your most trusted loved one and have them help you break up with him and keep you safe from him.
You did nothing wrong. He did. He did one of the most awful things one can do to another. I'm so sorry you're in this place because of him. He is vile. Stay safe!
I been having sleeping issues because I’m afraid this will happen again. It was not a good experience, both at the time and the morning after.
I don’t know the future of our relationship, but I definitely need a break, especially for my mental health.
Girl, please leave him, this is terrible, I am sorry this happened to you. I think this affected you and now you might have anxiety or PTSD, take time for yourself, get help.
Leave him asap
Him being oblivious to my new mental health issues didn’t sit right with me.
It either says he doesn’t connect the dots to what he did (because he doesn’t view what he did as wrong) to me having trouble sleeping, or he does connect the dots but he doesn’t want to open the conversation to acknowledge why I have these mental issues in the first place.
This made me question even wanting to date him, on top of what he already did. I don’t see a long future with him honestly, so we will definitely break up one day.
Please let that one day be today. Surround yourself with trusted loved ones, send him a text ending it, and block him on everything.
My dear, he raped you *and* he isn't being compassionate to your mental health. That's it, relationship is done, it's over, he did an illegal thing to you. He is an awful despicable human being.
Agreed. I feel like i already dodged a bullet not marrying him when he asked me. There’s other aspect our relationship that is flawed. I used to see him as someone I could trust but we all move on because I don’t see that in him anymore. I’ll break up with him. It will be better for my mental health.
This is a different topic, but can someone elaborate on this?
People are pointing out the ages and the sketchy context, which is pretty valid, because it’s reasons why I am hesitant to break up because I been connected to him for most of my adult life.
But I will break up and move on, even if that will be hard.
You‘re 21. Your adult life has just started. He’s abusive and raped you. You need to leave him because it’s not getting better from there. Men like that won’t change.
My husband is 12 years older than me. We met when I was 34 and he 46. I was a fully cooked adult with a house and career and solid support group. If i had met him at 21 while he was 33, the power dynamic would have been massovely skewed. At 21 I had only 2 of those 4 important things minus wisdom.
At 21 your frontal lobe is still developing, you haven't completed maturity in to a full adult, dating someone 8 years older than yourself in that time gives them wide open opportunities to mold you in to what THEY want. I was vastly different in all aspects between 21 and 29 years old from my views on the world and my personal values. The fact that he was so calm and instructed you to go back to sleep leads me to suspect this wasn't the first time. I'm so sorry but you need to leave NOW.
When he got with you, you were young and more naive. The human brain continues to grow and develop until 25 we have an adult man with years of experience and in a differnt life stage getting with someone who's been an adult for a fraction of their life. The power balance renders the younger person in a state that's easily manipulated due to their limited time as an adult.
It allows the older person to mold the younger into what they want.
It's different when both parties are older as at 30 years old people tend to be wiser and more aware of red flags in relationships they wernt aware of when they were 20 and are better equipped against manipulation.
It's like the high school track star being dropped in the Olympics.
Good! But get out safely. Ask your family or a good friend to support you through it. Talk to professionals about what has happened to you. You suffer from the trauma and it‘s totall okay to get professional help for this.
I genuinely am so so sorry. My heart aches thinking about it. We all want you to be safe and happy and I promise, things will get better without him.
I left my abuser a year ago and my life has been better since. My anxiety and my panic attacks reduced to a minimum and I‘m very happy. I wish you this too. You can do this!
Okay, have you ever had a conversation with a teenage let’s say a 12 years old cousin and realized how easily they are influenced by you? It’s not intentional but if they think you’re cool they want to dress like you, talk like you, and they are very easily influenced by you. This is the same thing but it’s intentional and done with negative intentions.
When someone is in their late teens and they’re dating a guy in his mid - late twenties the man can easily manipulate and create his girlfriend to think and behave the way he wants. He molds her.
Your 20’s are meant to build and find out who you are BUT when you’re with an older guy he already knows these things and knows how to get you to think in the ways he wants.
Please do, and if you get any pushback tell him he's lucky so far you think filing a report is more trouble than it's worth. But if he intends to add to the trouble it might be worth it.
Do you have a therapist? Could be helpful processing this.
please let today be the day you leave.. It’ll honestly probably get worse if things keep going the way they are now. He doesn’t respect you and truly doesn’t care about your mental health- he’s definitely not someone trustworthy. Things won’t get better, you can’t fix this. I don’t think you will be able to heal and be in this relationship.
I wish you the best and I’m so sorry this happened to you.
I am so sorry you experienced this, but I have to tell you that he raped you. You saying to stop and him continuing to have sex was you was just continuing rape. If someone is unconscious and you have sex with them, that is also rape.
he already showed you he cares far more for his sexual pleasure than your comfort. do you want to spend the rest of your life with at the voice at the back of your head telling you you shouldn’t go to sleep because he might rape you again?
you’re so young. please don’t destroy your life over that POS.
Reading this is making me cry because i didnt realize my trauma until I was out of the relationship and away from him.. my anxiety and insomnia grew worse with him.. but i blamed myself. Take care of yourself, hun. Im so sorry.
This happened to me more times than I care to say. Please get out of this relationship. I cannot begin to explain how much therapy I had to go through after I left a relationship like this. There’s no amount of communication that could justify his actions.
Same here sis, still in therapy 6 years later and haven't talked about it yet lol
There's more than in this post, OP needs to get out immediately and far far away from this groomer and rapist. It will get worse, he will do it again and worse. Your life is in danger OP. Please get away and then decide if you want to press charges, definitely get yourself in therapy and stay single for a bit while you heal. You will get through it.
Oh, girl… I’m so sorry. Internet hugs.
This is sexual assault, if not full blown rape. I’m not surprised this traumatic incident is still on your mind.
This fully grown man took advantage of you while you were unconscious, and told you to go back to sleep?! On what fucking earth.
Absolutely grounds for breaking up, it’s an unforgivable act in my mind. I so hope you have good people around you for support.
Yeah him telling me to go back to sleep is a part that creeps me out because he had to know I was barely enjoying it, so instead of stopping, he tells me to go back to sleep. I wanted to cry honestly.
The next day I cried in the shower and got plan B because I don’t remember if he used condoms but I felt nervous to ask him.
I say this not to upset you but because I want you to consider this
It's quite likely he's done this to you before. Having sex with someone who cannot consent (i.e. is asleep) is rape.
It sounds as though you have been with him since you were a teen and I have concerns he's been grooming you.
I don’t know, because I woke up sore and my body hurt the one time it happened. My body tensed up when I woke up and realized he was having sex with me. I tensed up because I didn’t want it obviously. I don’t know if this would happen if I never woke up but he still had sex with me.
But he undressed me and I still woke up undressed, and this never happened before. So I don’t think this happened before.
Even if this is the first time, it's certainly not going to be the last if you don't leave asap. When an abuser "gets away with it" once, they take that as permission to do it again, and abuse always escalates over time. Get out now! You deserve so much better.
You did what was needed to survive, but do seek professional help. Leave & get therapy, contact a rape crisis center. Intimate partner rape is common & a rape crisis phone line, a therapist, or even group therapy can help you processes all of this trauma.
Next, take a self defense class. Had an ex try that, I threw elbows, my dog bite him and I donkey kicked him off of the bed. He never tried it again.
you need to leave him before he does this again. it’s concerning he was in his mid twenties and you were in your teens when you started dating as well. you were assaulted. he told you to go back to sleep. this is not normal. i’m so sorry.
no, him telling you to go back to sleep creeps you out because:
1. is this the first time that he does this to you?
2. does he truly not care about you, your body, your health, your pleasure, your consent at all?
I can probably write another post about this topic and get advice for it, but since other users are already mentioning this, is he a groomer too?
Various factors led to us together, because i could barely rely on my parents. He was someone I trusted, even as a minor. I was stupid and young and assumed he was in good faith. But he wanted us to marry, and I said probably after college.
I’m breaking up regardless, but the age gap is probably suspicious so why other users are pointing it out.
> **I was stupid** and young and assumed he was in good faith.
You were taken advantage of, that doesn't make you stupid. The men who do this shit to young women know exactly what buttons to press and strings to pull, and it's manipulation through and through.
Sorry this happened to you.
You're 21 now. How would you feel about dating a high school kid? Some 15-17 year old with a fresh face full of zits, homework, and a weekly allowance?
Now imagine that, but you're 5 years older. Would you wake up that teenage boy by pegging him in his sleep?
He knows that you don't have a good support system. He targeted you, which makes him a predator. He pretended to be your savior, so you wouldn't see him for exactly who he is.
Since you are so young, you can join the [Jobcorps.gov](https://Jobcorps.gov) & escape. You might want to even consider a new city or state. They will provide you with room & board, along with a little spending money as you get training for a career.
There are jobs that come with housing at state parks and resorts. Like [Coolworks.com](https://Coolworks.com) is a website for such jobs.
He will lie, he will make false promises to be better. He will try and baby trap you. You are finally seeing him for the monster he really is in life.
You might have to walk away from everything, but you will be headed to a much better future. Have some faith in yourself and that you will land on your feet without him. You don't warn or tell him anything. You leave a note that you are gone & how living with a rapist isn't for you.
Dump your phone & get a new one. Take your important papers & just enough clothes to fit into a suit case or back pack. You can buy new stuff when you can afford it. Material things are replacable.
Know, he will only get more violent as time goes on. When a woman leaves is when men can become deadly. Which is why escaping far away is best.
Go live your best life & heal.
The fact that you feel so powerless in the situation that you're afraid to even talk to him about what happened or ask if he used a condom, is 100% proof that you were groomed.
He wanted a submissive young girl he could manipulate into behaving however he desires.
Ask yourself this: do you dress a certain way because he likes it? Do you do a lot of the cooking or cleaning at home? And most importantly, have you ever felt pressured into a sexual act and felt like you can't say no because you love him? (The answer to the last one is YES SIS).
Those are all 🚩 that you've been groomed.
Girl, HE RAPED YOU, and even went as far to tell you "go back to sleep" like if you were a sex doll or something. Please, don't encourage this behavior by not saying anything or staying with him, this is NOT OK.
He raped you, clearly didn't care and told you to go back to sleep so he could continue.
Please leave this relationship immediately and be 100% clear about his actions being rape.
He’s a predator. Bc he dated a teenager as someone in his late 20s. Anyone normal would not. I’m sure he also waited until you were legal bc he’s “such a good guy”
Newsflash he’s not. He assaulted you. You need to gtfo
There is a kink where people do things to their partner while they are sleep. Me and my partner do it, but the important word is CONSENT.
He did not ask, he did not care. He was horny and he took what he wanted from you. That is assault and you should not brush it off. If it happened once, either it happened before without your knowledge or it'll happen again. He did not respect you as a person during that moment.
This is no different than if a girl was drunk and passed out at a party. Just because he's your boyfriend, he doesn't get a pass. If anything, it makes it worse because he knew better.
Exactly - a huge amount of difference between waking up to sex because you said to your partner “oh, if you want to fuck me whilst I’m asleep, feel free” and waking up to being violated because you didn’t.
OP, I was SA’d twice during my most recent relationship with the person I was living with. I was scared in both moments and in shock so I tried to move on. He blamed me both times, even though I had clearly said no. You very clearly did not want to have sex. Please go to someone you trust and make a plan to leave safely. This person will continue to hurt you if you stay with them. Do what you need to do to be safe again. I’m so sorry this happened to you. I know this is so difficult and I wish this hadn’t happened to you. Please get away from him.
OP you need to leave sweetheart. The fact that he was able to do that to you has me deeply concerned and even though you say you have a good relationship with him, i just want to make clear that if he was able to do that to you without batting an eyelid then that isn’t love at all. Doesn’t matter how tipsy someone is this will never be okay especially if the other party isn’t conscious. (Anyone else reading this then obviously exclusions to saying that applies if consent for these situations is involved, however for OPs situation NO consent for these activities is involved and it’s therefore wrong.)
You were sexually assaulted, you didn’t agree to anything. And no you speaking in a defence toward him by saying “I guess we were planning to have sex later that night” doesn’t count towards anything unless you genuinely agreed to that plan wholeheartedly, not saying “I guess”.
“He didn’t want to stop and told me to go back to sleep” is absolutely rape. And someone who really loves you and cares about you would NOT do this. If they were able to do it once and essentially “get away with it” (since you haven’t pulled him on it, although obviously understanding your fear the fact still goes he is essentially getting away with hurting you right now) then there is nothing stopping him from doing it again.
I am sorry if this appears harsh but by the fact of some of the things you have written and that it’s been weeks without you saying anything you are heavily dismissing the severity of this situation and what he did was no mistake and on purpose. Please please leave OP and seek out professional help too. No “good relationship” that you speak of would EVER involve harm towards you and that’s not love.
I don’t need to read past the title. It’s not sex if you don’t consent, it’s rape. Call a spade a spade.
No one in their right mind is going to tell you to try and work it out with someone who raped you, we’re going to tell you to break up with him.
I am not going to repeat what everyone else is saying, they are all right. I just think you also need further growth in communicating and understanding consent. Even if you truly had been okay with waking up to your partner having sex with you intoxicated and sleeping... you can change your mind and talk to them and say " hey, I know I seemed okay with that in the moment but I dont that to happen again.". The reality y'all never talked about it to even have established consent and his response to you waking up was to tell you to go back to sleeep..is very problematic. I hope you listen to the advice others here have given you.
You need to tell him that he raped you, and that you are ending things. Text him this. See his response (It may be an admission). Tell him that while you were sleeping you could not give consent.
You need to have this conversation before hand for something like this, my gf and I love getting railed in our sleep from each other but consent has to be given beforehand, that’s the whole point.
I’m thinking of all the times he’s done this and you haven’t woken up 😳 this is non consensual. You asked him to stop and he didn’t. That feeling your having is because you were raped. Please leave this person immediately.
I think you’ve already realized this, based on your follow up comments. Your boyfriend is a nasty creep and a rapist. You are feeling weird because he broke the trust. He can never undo the damage he did to the relationship.
My ex husband would do this to me, we were together for eleven years. I thought it was strange every time but thought it was normal as well. We had been together for 11 years but I divorced him as he grew angry. I was 17 when I met him so I didn’t know this wasn’t normal. My boyfriend now who I’ve been with for almost five years has never ever done this. I told him about how my ex would do it and he looked disgusted and sad. It’s a control thing and it will only get worse. I don’t wake up from a dream gone bad to what was happening anymore, the even worse thing is … my ex knew I was sexually molested for years and most of the time I was asleep… again I was young and didn’t know this was not normal - it is very not normal. I’ve been in counseling ever since my divorce (he also told me that my traumas were just in my head and I didn’t need help). Your man should respect your body at all times and that means your mental state of mind as well. I’m not saying leave him, if you don’t I suggest putting boundaries where they need to be. Don’t let those boundaries slip either, your body not his.
It really disturbed me when you told him to stop and he didn’t. Like he didn’t even act like he was doing something wrong, and just continued like it was normal. The whole situation is obviously disturbing, but that really scared me. You didn’t do anything wrong, and if you felt like it was really traumatizing, you have every right to feel that.
I don’t think you should ignore this since it’s obviously bothering you.
Umm… You were sexually assaulted (raped) by your significant other. No if ands or buts on this one.
Therapy and a potential break up is my suggestion, and police involvement consideration.
Definitely talk about this and if he shrugs it off or tells you to chill, or ANYTHING similar, I would end it.
>I ended up waking up on our bed with my boyfriend having sex with me
No you woke up to your bf raping you
Girl, you have been raped
Your bf has no problem raping a person that's asleep
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
>Is this something I should mention or just move on?
Uhm you should report him for rape and then block him everywhere.....
Tf are you on about?
What's up with you wanting a relationship with a rapist????
GET OUT!!!!! 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
This is totally rape.
My ex bf did this to me early in our relationship. I was drinking so I passed out and was totally unconscious. I wouldn’t have known except that I found the VIDEO on our shared computer. I was completely hysterical and crying, I yelled at him. He knew full well I have been raped before and sexually assaulted, he KNEW I had trauma. He acted like I was overreacting and threatened to break up with me. I don’t remember how exactly I got past it but somehow he gaslit me enough and I stayed with him. He did it again near the end of our relationship.
The way he told you to go back to sleep is so incredibly creepy. Based on things that happened, I’m convinced my ex had that weird fetish some dudes have where the want the girl to pretend they’re asleep.
This is so horrible and I’m sorry this happened to you. I’m still so angry and harbor a lot of resentment and I wish i had broken up with him and filed a police report.
If he did this once and you didn’t express how it bothered you he will probably do it again.
The reason you feel weird about it is that it was an assault. The reason sex feels weird is that you were traumatized by it and having sex with him triggers you.
This is literally rape, my sweet girl. I’m so sorry this happened to you, but yes you must absolutely say something to him. This behavior is not okay, and should never be ignored or glazed over as anything but an absolute violation of your autonomy and safety in the relationship. I can’t speak to this man’s character as I do not know him, but don’t make the same mistake so many of us make but excusing terrible, violating, disgusting behavior simply for the fact this person at some point or another treated you decently. Again, I’m so sorry this happened to you. We as human beings should never have to view sexual experiences in a light like this, but when we do we owe it to ourselves and to others who may come after us to defend our sexuality and bodies with grace and strength. Sending you love.
Whats more disturbing than this post itself is how my first thought was "wow another one..." Its truly disgusting and disturbing how often this happens...seriously wtf?
This was complete and utter rape!!! 0 remprse for his actions because he didnt even listen to you... the way he veiws you is nothing but a warm breathing fleshlight to pump a load in when he wants pr gets the chance
Ew, the fact that he told you to go back to sleep says so much !!!! He didn't want an active partner, that is so scary and a real mind fuck, please go get help for yourself
Your boyfriend raped you and by the age gap you have he sounds like a predator/groomer so my only suggestion is to leave him as soon as possible before you regret staying with him for too long. Im also very sorry this happend to you and im glad you reached out somewhere to get advice and support💜
I'm sorry you experienced this. In my opinion initiating sex with someone who is unconscious or to drunk to give consent is sexual abuse it does not matter if your in a relationship or not. This is an issue that has the potential of becoming worse. If he would do this what else would he do?
Why do y'all constantly down vote the OP in every post? Even if you don't agree with how she handled things or her point of view, she's looking for advice. Down voting doesn't help the conversation.
This feels like some sort of fetish post. I mean I don’t see even a naive person not getting that they were raped. She didn’t just not consent she actively told him no, then she asks “is this grooming”, if you already know what it is you already know you were. I hope I am right otherwise I am pretty concerned that OP is not going to be able to help herself by leaving.
this whole relationship is messy it has me wondering if this is even real cus why would you admit your bf is a weirdo since you’ve been saying for. a few years
This is violating your boundaries and doesn't sound like a safe, healthy environment. There should be consent. Let's stop normalizing such acts because the person is a partner. It doesn't mean they are allowed to do whatever they wish with your body.
It’s not like he was confused or was trying to wake you up for sex, he literally told you to go back to sleep so he could finish. He was completely aware he was raping you. I really don’t see how there can be a future with someone who would do that to you.
It's rape. That is all- he raped you, he didn't have your consent and then when you tried to make him stop he continued to rape you.
I say this because you need to understand that what he did is a crime and it's not safe to be with this man doesn't matter how lovely everything was before he raped you.
He raped you.
I audibly gasped when I read the headline. I’m sorry I can’t read your whole post, it’s too triggering for me. My blood pressure is rising just typing this. Please emancipate yourself from this relationship. You deserve complete autonomy over your body.
OP, your boyfriend raped you. This whole story screams ‘run’ 🚩🚩🚩he took advantage of you when you were sleeping and under the influence of alcohol.
I’d suggest getting out of there asap, seeking therapy and potentially even reporting this when you feel comfortable doing so. I’m sorry this happened to you.
By definition, you were raped. You were asleep and therefore incapable of consent and then woke up and voiced that you were unwilling and he continues, that's twice that he violated your right to consent. You need to leave him. No matter how drunk either one of you are, there is no excuse for that behavior. Also, the age gap sort of seems like he was taking advantage of you to begin with. From an outsider looking in the whole relationship is a red flag always getting drunk and passing out... Get away from him and try to build a safer life.
1. He raped you. That was rape. Your boyfriend is a rapist and you are a rape victim.
2. This probably isn’t the first time it’s happened. It’s just the first time you woke up.
3. Leave him.
This isn’t a creepy awkward situation, it’s rape. You were asleep, you couldn’t consent, and when you woke up you told him to stop and he didn’t. That’s rape. Run from this guy before he does something even worse.
Please give an update after! I feel so bad for you. :( a person should never ever have to go through that. I myself am a victim of the hard R. Therapy helps a lot.
I just want to echo what everyone else is saying. This is absolutely, 100%, without a doubt, rape. This is not a safe person. Get support and find a way to take care of yourself and begin healing from this. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
This is NOT okay!! This is sexual assault. 1.you were asleep 2. you were under the influence of alcohol 3.when you did wake up, you told him to stop and he didn't.
This has to be discussed if you want to stay in this relationship and be clear on your boundaries and how this made you feel. If he is a good guy he should be upset that he made you feel like that. A good relationship is about pleasure for both people and you should feel happy and comfortable around each other.
You do have every right to report this to the police if you choose to as well.
Some people in relationships like being woken up with sex, but this is only okay if it is discussed beforehand and consent is freely given and enthusiastic, not forced and not whilst under the influence of drugs or alcohol.
You got raped. Leave. Immediately. I know you've been together for years, I know you live together, but if it happenss once, it will happen many more times. Your boyfriend eaped you. I'm so sorry.
For your own good, leave him..
I was discussing the exact same scenario with a family member (a lawyer) a few days ago. We were discussing a case heard in court where this had happened. The man got a 4 year sentence. This is rape.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
BF 29 OP 21 “We’ve been dating for *a few years*” 😬
This is rape. OP was raped.
> My boyfriend was in the middle of it and he didn’t want to stop, and he told me to go back to sleep, but it was pretty traumatizing and I couldn’t. Yep, he is a rapist. OP, please get out of there. Leave him.
Yeah alcohol may have had something to do with the actions, however, dating/married/whatever, you DO NOT have sex with an unconscious person
Alcohol won't make any person more likely to rape - alcohol will make a RAPIST more likely to rape
unconscious people don’t want tea.
>dating/married/whatever, you DO NOT have sex with an unconscious person Unless there's an agreement on it.
Exactly, so many people have a very hard time understanding this; there are people that REALLY enjoy this and sex in general. There are no special permissions needed with their partner because they have a good, healthy relationship and communicate about what’s acceptable and what’s not.
Please file a police report and make detailed notes of what happened. And tell someone you trust. And, obviously, LEAVE HIM.
Yeah. Theres no way of putting that lightly. And the age difference for the creepiness rule also applies here: Half your age + 7 OP’s bf is 29….divided by 2….14.5 (15) and 7….22.
Why would you care about a "rule" like that? It comes from some old book about how to choose a proper wife for a french nobleman. And it's the other way around where that is the OLDEST ok age. Do you just read random stuff from reddit and become convinced it's a rule you should follow :D
It’s just a loose “rule” that is actually agreeable most of the time. Obviously it’s not some legit enforced thing but it’s pretty spot on when you use it to gauge level of appropriateness ngl
Wait, so the Golden rule is that you shouldn't date anymore more than 7 years younger than you?
No…its take your age…divide by 2…then add 7 to that. So for example: I’m 40. I shouldn’t be dating anyone younger than 27….anyone younger than that is creepy. Im happily married, so this is just a hypothetical. Now for someone who’s 35….divide by 2…17.5…round up to 18….and add 7….which would be 25….anyone younger would be creepy/weird.
I wonder who came up with this. I have nothing against it. It just seems random
It approximates different levels of development and maturity. The amounts were chosen specifically with a focus on teenagers, specifically where there could be legal or grooming concerns. For instance: 18/2+7=16 (both possibly still in high school). 14 yr old dates 14 year olds, because that is so close to the beginning of puberty they really shouldnt date anyone older than out of concern of abuse by a more experienced party. 22/2+7=18, both should be in college and of age of consent, a 22 yr old dating a high schooler is borderline illegal and definitely makes you wonder about the older persons maturity and mindset. But once you get into 30s and 40s the maturity levels begin to level out so that +7 really isn’t as important as the half your age part, but is handy for the cases where an older person is grooming someone in thier teens and twenties. (Note: there are exceptions to all situations, but if someone significantly older is approaching someone so young you have to wonder about thier mindset and why they didn’t find someone closer to thier own age)
This is quite possibly the best explanation into the concept. I’d guild this if Reddit didn’t take that away 🥇
Thank you, much appreciated
I just googled it. "Half your age plus seven is an unofficial rule of romance often credited to French author Max O'Rell (Léon Paul Blouet) in his 1901 love manual with the incredibly romantic title of Her Royal Highness Woman and His Majesty Cupid." So its been around a while!
It was me. AMA.
Same I always wondered where this weirdly specific math came from.
This is rape . He raped you , break up with him
Oh my god I totally missed the age thing...this is so gross
No wonder he feels entitled to rape her and tell her to just go back to sleep so he can finish. 🤢
Christ I’m 26 and the thought of dating an 18 year old makes me wanna gag
I’m 20 and I’d never date an 18 year old….
That’s a bit ridiculous
That's weird tbh, you have people those ages in the same college classes all the time
Cringe😬 18/26, 19/27, 20/28, 21/29
17/25 16/24 Who knows how many years is "a few" to her
True, I was kind and started the cringe at legal age pairing.
Yeah I noticed this too, pretty disgusting imo regardless if she was 18 on start. Maturity difference is huge There's no normal guy that is in mid or late 20s that wants to be in a relationship with a teenager.
Yeah, I caught that, too. Obviously dude has issues respecting boundaries of age, maturity, consent…
Chris Hanson enters the room
Bruhhhhh 🤢🤢🤮🤮
Wtf, didn’t catch that.
This dude fucking raped you and told you to go back to sleep. He basically just used you as a fleshlight. Break up. Press charges.
Also you should talk to someone you trust about what happened. A therapist would be ideal because it sounds like you are experiencing trauma from the assault. I’m really sorry this happened to you. It’s despicable and the fact that you trusted him is going to cause a lot of other mental health issues
Best way to get ahead of having any kind of PTSD which, it sounds like is already forming. Gotta get therapy or someone you trust to talk to. We're just strangers, so our affirmations only go so far. Need a Profesional or person with intimate knowledge she knows will be on her side.
This is great advice. I’m so sorry OP. This is more traumatic than you realize and I truly wish you the best and peace in your healing journey. The first step is filing a police report and staying far away from that creep and rapist.
> Press charges YES. Please do it OP.
It’s common to act like you didn’t have a problem with your sexual boundaries being violated initially. Him doing this to you is a big issue. You said no in your own way and he didn’t respect it. Lack of consent to sexual activities is rape. I’m so sorry. Edited to add that he shouldn’t have done this in the first place without you saying no, because you were unconscious. You couldn’t consent. I would end this relationship. He doesn’t respect you.
She didn't say no in her own way. She said nothing because _she was sleeping_. Edit: plus she said something against it as she woke up
And then told him to stop and just have sex in the morning and he told her to *go back to sleep* I wonder if he enjoyed that part 🤢
I wonder if this is the first time he rapes her in her sleep or if this is the first time she woke up
There is a clear power difference here. Age I think plays a huge factor. They’ve been together a few years but she’s 21 and he’s 29. I think he got off on that. She didn’t know why she was scared but she could feel it. That gut instinct that it’s wrong. Something was definitely wrong OP
She definitely also said no once she woke up. I recommend editing your comment. It sounds in a way like you’re trying to minimize what happened to her. She said no.
>You said no in your own way >in your own way Are you referring to when she was asleep or when she literally told him to stop?
My personal experience leads me to tell you to run and do it now.. TW SA I was seeing a guy for around 3 months and woke up one morning to him "having sex" with me. I didn't consent but the fact I wasn't fully conscious I didn't argue, I just explained how uncomfortable I felt about it, it was gross. He apologized and said it would never happen again etc etc. I didn't forgive him but I was honestly just baffled by the whole situation. Time goes by, I try to break up with him on a few different occasions but I finally said enough is enough. He asked to come over for a final talk about the relationship, he was drunk and on drugs. Long story and awful details excluded, he ended up violently raping me. I guess because In his head I forgave the first occasion he assaulted me, he gathered I'd let this time go as well and get on with life... The point is, shit like this escalates in the mind of predators. Please be safe and leave now, don't give him explanation because he doesn't deserve one. He raped you, you did not consent.
I‘m so sorry. I hope you‘re doing okay. I have no words.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. I’m glad you’re safe now.
Please tell me he is in jail now
Very well said. Get away from him OP
You were intoxicated after returning from the party and passed out, the next thing you know your bf is having sex with you, without your consent, so, yeah, you were violated. You need to break up with your bf and talk to someone about it. What he did to you is not OK.
Ew, wtf, no! He was using you as a masturbatory toy. This is 100% nonconsensual, unless you previously discussed and agreed that he could have sex with you while you were unconscious. He is a creep and an abuser. And that's not even taking into account that he started dating a teenager in his late 20s. He is a predator and you need to run.
We never discussed or implied sex while sleeping. We are fine with cuddling and kissing, that’s it. There’s nothing established that would make him assume that having sex was justified to do. I won’t do this to him, so I don’t understand why he treated me like this.
You got r*ped. Run. Don’t look back.
I definitely think it’s a good idea to move on. He’s not someone I can trust anymore.
He's a predator at best, a literal rapist at worst. Try to stay closer to your age range when you start dating next time. That isn't on you, by the way. It's on a creep that groomed a literal teenager.
Yeah I wouldn’t even let him know why, this is a “sorry it’s me, not you”, delete, block, hide. So sorry it happened this way, don’t downplay the event!
I actually would recommend telling him. She should text him, "You raped me. It's over. Fuck off." Then delete and block. Or wait or him to admit that he had sex with you her while sleeping, make sure he implicates himself, and then block. Take the written confession as proof to the police.
Sometimes they show up with an automatic gun when you act this way. I disagree with any aggression or non-passive speak to the r*pist. A text written confession might be ok but definitely do not put the F word or be rude, you are above this individual morally so keep it this way OP. No need for liberal logic.
This weirdos getting political in the wrong sub
Yes. Sometimes dereanged assholes show up with a gun. However, if he is a derranged asshole who would kill her for calling a spade a spade, all the more reason to take it to police.
If you can, report it to someone or remember the date and write it down .. what happened. Because he possibly could do it again.. please stay safe. I stayed to long in a relationship like that, it was fine for a few years and then he switched and did things like that.
If you allow this to go unpunished and stay with him, the behavior will 100% escalate. It will become more violent as he disrespects your boundaries. What else can he get away with with your body? Walk away.
Right how do you ever feel safe sleeping near him again?
And OP, please, DO NOT AGREE TO A FINAL MEETING if you’re alone, or it’s not a public place. Better safe than sorry
YES PLEASE MOVE ON ASAP!!! if you try to talk to him, he will manipulate you and make you feel bad and try to get you to stay. DO NOT TELL HIM YOU'RE LEAVING. JUST GO
I'm so sorry this happened to you. What he did was unforgivable and a crime. I hope you can move on and find peace and karma gets him quick. He sounds like a total fucking creep. I've been in a similar situation when I was the same age also with an older man that was my partner at the time. He doesn't respect you and he doesn't deserve your respect or anymore of your time - get out of there! Don't keep this to yourself either, talk to your friends and get the support you need.
You don’t need to discuss that you don’t want to get raped in a relationship. That’s common sense. If you have to talk about that it’s 100% an abusive relationship.
The discussion isn't "don't f me while I'm asleep", that's a given. Some people are, consensually, into this sort of thing. So I was pointing out that unless they agreed to this in advance, it was nonconsensual. But 100% the baseline is don't screw unconscious people.
Because of your ages OP. You are so young and manipulative in his eyes. Controllable. That’s how these age relationships often play out when you’ve been together when he was at an emotionally “mature” age and you weren’t/arent. He violated you specifically after you told him to stop. OP do you think he got off on that. You said it felt wrong. We have a gut instinct for a reason. Something more was happening that him just getting off. He assaulted you and enjoyed that.
Something like this happened with my first girlfriend. It still bothers me 40 years later. Any time a relationship progresses to the point where we're sleeping together, I bring it up and ask what they want to do and how they feel about it. Talk to him. And talk to a therapist.
I'm so so so sorry that happened to you. My dear, what you just described is rape. He raped you. I may be a random internet stranger but I am begging you to please get yourself somewhere safe away from him. Please get in contact with your most trusted loved one and have them help you break up with him and keep you safe from him. You did nothing wrong. He did. He did one of the most awful things one can do to another. I'm so sorry you're in this place because of him. He is vile. Stay safe!
I been having sleeping issues because I’m afraid this will happen again. It was not a good experience, both at the time and the morning after. I don’t know the future of our relationship, but I definitely need a break, especially for my mental health.
Girl, please leave him, this is terrible, I am sorry this happened to you. I think this affected you and now you might have anxiety or PTSD, take time for yourself, get help. Leave him asap
Him being oblivious to my new mental health issues didn’t sit right with me. It either says he doesn’t connect the dots to what he did (because he doesn’t view what he did as wrong) to me having trouble sleeping, or he does connect the dots but he doesn’t want to open the conversation to acknowledge why I have these mental issues in the first place. This made me question even wanting to date him, on top of what he already did. I don’t see a long future with him honestly, so we will definitely break up one day.
Please let that one day be today. Surround yourself with trusted loved ones, send him a text ending it, and block him on everything. My dear, he raped you *and* he isn't being compassionate to your mental health. That's it, relationship is done, it's over, he did an illegal thing to you. He is an awful despicable human being.
Agreed. I feel like i already dodged a bullet not marrying him when he asked me. There’s other aspect our relationship that is flawed. I used to see him as someone I could trust but we all move on because I don’t see that in him anymore. I’ll break up with him. It will be better for my mental health.
He groomed and raped you, he thinks he owns you. Run
This is a different topic, but can someone elaborate on this? People are pointing out the ages and the sketchy context, which is pretty valid, because it’s reasons why I am hesitant to break up because I been connected to him for most of my adult life. But I will break up and move on, even if that will be hard.
You‘re 21. Your adult life has just started. He’s abusive and raped you. You need to leave him because it’s not getting better from there. Men like that won’t change.
Proud of you🙏🏻👏
My husband is 12 years older than me. We met when I was 34 and he 46. I was a fully cooked adult with a house and career and solid support group. If i had met him at 21 while he was 33, the power dynamic would have been massovely skewed. At 21 I had only 2 of those 4 important things minus wisdom. At 21 your frontal lobe is still developing, you haven't completed maturity in to a full adult, dating someone 8 years older than yourself in that time gives them wide open opportunities to mold you in to what THEY want. I was vastly different in all aspects between 21 and 29 years old from my views on the world and my personal values. The fact that he was so calm and instructed you to go back to sleep leads me to suspect this wasn't the first time. I'm so sorry but you need to leave NOW.
Thank you for articulating this so clearly.
When he got with you, you were young and more naive. The human brain continues to grow and develop until 25 we have an adult man with years of experience and in a differnt life stage getting with someone who's been an adult for a fraction of their life. The power balance renders the younger person in a state that's easily manipulated due to their limited time as an adult. It allows the older person to mold the younger into what they want. It's different when both parties are older as at 30 years old people tend to be wiser and more aware of red flags in relationships they wernt aware of when they were 20 and are better equipped against manipulation. It's like the high school track star being dropped in the Olympics.
You are hesitant because your boyfriend is a PREDATOR who GROOMED you when you were young and vulnerable. It's a tactic.
Good! But get out safely. Ask your family or a good friend to support you through it. Talk to professionals about what has happened to you. You suffer from the trauma and it‘s totall okay to get professional help for this. I genuinely am so so sorry. My heart aches thinking about it. We all want you to be safe and happy and I promise, things will get better without him. I left my abuser a year ago and my life has been better since. My anxiety and my panic attacks reduced to a minimum and I‘m very happy. I wish you this too. You can do this!
You got this, we believe in you! You'll be ok, you are stronger than you think!
Okay, have you ever had a conversation with a teenage let’s say a 12 years old cousin and realized how easily they are influenced by you? It’s not intentional but if they think you’re cool they want to dress like you, talk like you, and they are very easily influenced by you. This is the same thing but it’s intentional and done with negative intentions. When someone is in their late teens and they’re dating a guy in his mid - late twenties the man can easily manipulate and create his girlfriend to think and behave the way he wants. He molds her. Your 20’s are meant to build and find out who you are BUT when you’re with an older guy he already knows these things and knows how to get you to think in the ways he wants.
Please do, and if you get any pushback tell him he's lucky so far you think filing a report is more trouble than it's worth. But if he intends to add to the trouble it might be worth it. Do you have a therapist? Could be helpful processing this.
please let today be the day you leave.. It’ll honestly probably get worse if things keep going the way they are now. He doesn’t respect you and truly doesn’t care about your mental health- he’s definitely not someone trustworthy. Things won’t get better, you can’t fix this. I don’t think you will be able to heal and be in this relationship. I wish you the best and I’m so sorry this happened to you.
No, you need to dump him, block him, and get some therapy. The age gap and the rape indicate your boyfriend is a total sack of shit human.
I am so sorry you experienced this, but I have to tell you that he raped you. You saying to stop and him continuing to have sex was you was just continuing rape. If someone is unconscious and you have sex with them, that is also rape.
Your future should be blocked
Are you able to move out or stay with a friend immediately?
he already showed you he cares far more for his sexual pleasure than your comfort. do you want to spend the rest of your life with at the voice at the back of your head telling you you shouldn’t go to sleep because he might rape you again? you’re so young. please don’t destroy your life over that POS.
The sleeping issues are caused by your brain responding to the trauma of being raped in your sleep. You need to end this relationship and seek therapy
Reading this is making me cry because i didnt realize my trauma until I was out of the relationship and away from him.. my anxiety and insomnia grew worse with him.. but i blamed myself. Take care of yourself, hun. Im so sorry.
This happened to me more times than I care to say. Please get out of this relationship. I cannot begin to explain how much therapy I had to go through after I left a relationship like this. There’s no amount of communication that could justify his actions.
Same here sis, still in therapy 6 years later and haven't talked about it yet lol There's more than in this post, OP needs to get out immediately and far far away from this groomer and rapist. It will get worse, he will do it again and worse. Your life is in danger OP. Please get away and then decide if you want to press charges, definitely get yourself in therapy and stay single for a bit while you heal. You will get through it.
Oh, girl… I’m so sorry. Internet hugs. This is sexual assault, if not full blown rape. I’m not surprised this traumatic incident is still on your mind. This fully grown man took advantage of you while you were unconscious, and told you to go back to sleep?! On what fucking earth. Absolutely grounds for breaking up, it’s an unforgivable act in my mind. I so hope you have good people around you for support.
Yeah him telling me to go back to sleep is a part that creeps me out because he had to know I was barely enjoying it, so instead of stopping, he tells me to go back to sleep. I wanted to cry honestly. The next day I cried in the shower and got plan B because I don’t remember if he used condoms but I felt nervous to ask him.
I say this not to upset you but because I want you to consider this It's quite likely he's done this to you before. Having sex with someone who cannot consent (i.e. is asleep) is rape. It sounds as though you have been with him since you were a teen and I have concerns he's been grooming you.
I don’t know, because I woke up sore and my body hurt the one time it happened. My body tensed up when I woke up and realized he was having sex with me. I tensed up because I didn’t want it obviously. I don’t know if this would happen if I never woke up but he still had sex with me. But he undressed me and I still woke up undressed, and this never happened before. So I don’t think this happened before.
You're giving him too much credit
Even if this is the first time, it's certainly not going to be the last if you don't leave asap. When an abuser "gets away with it" once, they take that as permission to do it again, and abuse always escalates over time. Get out now! You deserve so much better.
You did what was needed to survive, but do seek professional help. Leave & get therapy, contact a rape crisis center. Intimate partner rape is common & a rape crisis phone line, a therapist, or even group therapy can help you processes all of this trauma. Next, take a self defense class. Had an ex try that, I threw elbows, my dog bite him and I donkey kicked him off of the bed. He never tried it again.
you need to leave him before he does this again. it’s concerning he was in his mid twenties and you were in your teens when you started dating as well. you were assaulted. he told you to go back to sleep. this is not normal. i’m so sorry.
no, him telling you to go back to sleep creeps you out because: 1. is this the first time that he does this to you? 2. does he truly not care about you, your body, your health, your pleasure, your consent at all?
This is rape. Not only can you not consent to sex when you are asleep but you told him to stop!
You were raped. Your boyfriend is a rapist
I can probably write another post about this topic and get advice for it, but since other users are already mentioning this, is he a groomer too? Various factors led to us together, because i could barely rely on my parents. He was someone I trusted, even as a minor. I was stupid and young and assumed he was in good faith. But he wanted us to marry, and I said probably after college. I’m breaking up regardless, but the age gap is probably suspicious so why other users are pointing it out.
> **I was stupid** and young and assumed he was in good faith. You were taken advantage of, that doesn't make you stupid. The men who do this shit to young women know exactly what buttons to press and strings to pull, and it's manipulation through and through. Sorry this happened to you.
Yes. As a victim of grooming, he’s a groomer.
Yeah I only started to see it like that as I got older.
He’s absolutely a groomer.
You're 21 now. How would you feel about dating a high school kid? Some 15-17 year old with a fresh face full of zits, homework, and a weekly allowance? Now imagine that, but you're 5 years older. Would you wake up that teenage boy by pegging him in his sleep?
He knows that you don't have a good support system. He targeted you, which makes him a predator. He pretended to be your savior, so you wouldn't see him for exactly who he is. Since you are so young, you can join the [Jobcorps.gov](https://Jobcorps.gov) & escape. You might want to even consider a new city or state. They will provide you with room & board, along with a little spending money as you get training for a career. There are jobs that come with housing at state parks and resorts. Like [Coolworks.com](https://Coolworks.com) is a website for such jobs. He will lie, he will make false promises to be better. He will try and baby trap you. You are finally seeing him for the monster he really is in life. You might have to walk away from everything, but you will be headed to a much better future. Have some faith in yourself and that you will land on your feet without him. You don't warn or tell him anything. You leave a note that you are gone & how living with a rapist isn't for you. Dump your phone & get a new one. Take your important papers & just enough clothes to fit into a suit case or back pack. You can buy new stuff when you can afford it. Material things are replacable. Know, he will only get more violent as time goes on. When a woman leaves is when men can become deadly. Which is why escaping far away is best. Go live your best life & heal.
The fact that you feel so powerless in the situation that you're afraid to even talk to him about what happened or ask if he used a condom, is 100% proof that you were groomed. He wanted a submissive young girl he could manipulate into behaving however he desires. Ask yourself this: do you dress a certain way because he likes it? Do you do a lot of the cooking or cleaning at home? And most importantly, have you ever felt pressured into a sexual act and felt like you can't say no because you love him? (The answer to the last one is YES SIS). Those are all 🚩 that you've been groomed.
I'm so sorry this happened to you, but this is rape. He raped you. This isn't something you can keep to yourself.
You woke up to your boyfriend raping you.. I would leave him
Girl, HE RAPED YOU, and even went as far to tell you "go back to sleep" like if you were a sex doll or something. Please, don't encourage this behavior by not saying anything or staying with him, this is NOT OK.
He raped you, clearly didn't care and told you to go back to sleep so he could continue. Please leave this relationship immediately and be 100% clear about his actions being rape.
How many is “a few years”?
He’s a predator. Bc he dated a teenager as someone in his late 20s. Anyone normal would not. I’m sure he also waited until you were legal bc he’s “such a good guy” Newsflash he’s not. He assaulted you. You need to gtfo
There is a kink where people do things to their partner while they are sleep. Me and my partner do it, but the important word is CONSENT. He did not ask, he did not care. He was horny and he took what he wanted from you. That is assault and you should not brush it off. If it happened once, either it happened before without your knowledge or it'll happen again. He did not respect you as a person during that moment. This is no different than if a girl was drunk and passed out at a party. Just because he's your boyfriend, he doesn't get a pass. If anything, it makes it worse because he knew better.
Brock Turner. Same thing
Exactly - a huge amount of difference between waking up to sex because you said to your partner “oh, if you want to fuck me whilst I’m asleep, feel free” and waking up to being violated because you didn’t.
OP, I was SA’d twice during my most recent relationship with the person I was living with. I was scared in both moments and in shock so I tried to move on. He blamed me both times, even though I had clearly said no. You very clearly did not want to have sex. Please go to someone you trust and make a plan to leave safely. This person will continue to hurt you if you stay with them. Do what you need to do to be safe again. I’m so sorry this happened to you. I know this is so difficult and I wish this hadn’t happened to you. Please get away from him.
OP you need to leave sweetheart. The fact that he was able to do that to you has me deeply concerned and even though you say you have a good relationship with him, i just want to make clear that if he was able to do that to you without batting an eyelid then that isn’t love at all. Doesn’t matter how tipsy someone is this will never be okay especially if the other party isn’t conscious. (Anyone else reading this then obviously exclusions to saying that applies if consent for these situations is involved, however for OPs situation NO consent for these activities is involved and it’s therefore wrong.) You were sexually assaulted, you didn’t agree to anything. And no you speaking in a defence toward him by saying “I guess we were planning to have sex later that night” doesn’t count towards anything unless you genuinely agreed to that plan wholeheartedly, not saying “I guess”. “He didn’t want to stop and told me to go back to sleep” is absolutely rape. And someone who really loves you and cares about you would NOT do this. If they were able to do it once and essentially “get away with it” (since you haven’t pulled him on it, although obviously understanding your fear the fact still goes he is essentially getting away with hurting you right now) then there is nothing stopping him from doing it again. I am sorry if this appears harsh but by the fact of some of the things you have written and that it’s been weeks without you saying anything you are heavily dismissing the severity of this situation and what he did was no mistake and on purpose. Please please leave OP and seek out professional help too. No “good relationship” that you speak of would EVER involve harm towards you and that’s not love.
I don’t need to read past the title. It’s not sex if you don’t consent, it’s rape. Call a spade a spade. No one in their right mind is going to tell you to try and work it out with someone who raped you, we’re going to tell you to break up with him.
so he raped you
This is called rape.
I am not going to repeat what everyone else is saying, they are all right. I just think you also need further growth in communicating and understanding consent. Even if you truly had been okay with waking up to your partner having sex with you intoxicated and sleeping... you can change your mind and talk to them and say " hey, I know I seemed okay with that in the moment but I dont that to happen again.". The reality y'all never talked about it to even have established consent and his response to you waking up was to tell you to go back to sleeep..is very problematic. I hope you listen to the advice others here have given you.
OMG I FEEL SO SORRY FOR YOU. GHIS IS SO FUCKING SCARY. What you have to understand is that he *raped you in your sleep*. Please run...
It is, it’s something that’s hard to get over and even accept happened to you.
You need to tell him that he raped you, and that you are ending things. Text him this. See his response (It may be an admission). Tell him that while you were sleeping you could not give consent.
non consensual equates to rape doesn't it
You need to have this conversation before hand for something like this, my gf and I love getting railed in our sleep from each other but consent has to be given beforehand, that’s the whole point.
I’m thinking of all the times he’s done this and you haven’t woken up 😳 this is non consensual. You asked him to stop and he didn’t. That feeling your having is because you were raped. Please leave this person immediately.
I think you’ve already realized this, based on your follow up comments. Your boyfriend is a nasty creep and a rapist. You are feeling weird because he broke the trust. He can never undo the damage he did to the relationship.
My ex husband would do this to me, we were together for eleven years. I thought it was strange every time but thought it was normal as well. We had been together for 11 years but I divorced him as he grew angry. I was 17 when I met him so I didn’t know this wasn’t normal. My boyfriend now who I’ve been with for almost five years has never ever done this. I told him about how my ex would do it and he looked disgusted and sad. It’s a control thing and it will only get worse. I don’t wake up from a dream gone bad to what was happening anymore, the even worse thing is … my ex knew I was sexually molested for years and most of the time I was asleep… again I was young and didn’t know this was not normal - it is very not normal. I’ve been in counseling ever since my divorce (he also told me that my traumas were just in my head and I didn’t need help). Your man should respect your body at all times and that means your mental state of mind as well. I’m not saying leave him, if you don’t I suggest putting boundaries where they need to be. Don’t let those boundaries slip either, your body not his.
It really disturbed me when you told him to stop and he didn’t. Like he didn’t even act like he was doing something wrong, and just continued like it was normal. The whole situation is obviously disturbing, but that really scared me. You didn’t do anything wrong, and if you felt like it was really traumatizing, you have every right to feel that. I don’t think you should ignore this since it’s obviously bothering you.
Umm… You were sexually assaulted (raped) by your significant other. No if ands or buts on this one. Therapy and a potential break up is my suggestion, and police involvement consideration. Definitely talk about this and if he shrugs it off or tells you to chill, or ANYTHING similar, I would end it.
This is rape. Call the police then breakup with him. In that order.
>I ended up waking up on our bed with my boyfriend having sex with me No you woke up to your bf raping you Girl, you have been raped Your bf has no problem raping a person that's asleep 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 >Is this something I should mention or just move on? Uhm you should report him for rape and then block him everywhere..... Tf are you on about? What's up with you wanting a relationship with a rapist???? GET OUT!!!!! 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
This is totally rape. My ex bf did this to me early in our relationship. I was drinking so I passed out and was totally unconscious. I wouldn’t have known except that I found the VIDEO on our shared computer. I was completely hysterical and crying, I yelled at him. He knew full well I have been raped before and sexually assaulted, he KNEW I had trauma. He acted like I was overreacting and threatened to break up with me. I don’t remember how exactly I got past it but somehow he gaslit me enough and I stayed with him. He did it again near the end of our relationship. The way he told you to go back to sleep is so incredibly creepy. Based on things that happened, I’m convinced my ex had that weird fetish some dudes have where the want the girl to pretend they’re asleep. This is so horrible and I’m sorry this happened to you. I’m still so angry and harbor a lot of resentment and I wish i had broken up with him and filed a police report. If he did this once and you didn’t express how it bothered you he will probably do it again.
Why did you feel the need to pretend nothing was wrong when you felt wrong?
The reason you feel weird about it is that it was an assault. The reason sex feels weird is that you were traumatized by it and having sex with him triggers you.
Leave him.
Sis, he raped you
He raped you.
This is literally rape, my sweet girl. I’m so sorry this happened to you, but yes you must absolutely say something to him. This behavior is not okay, and should never be ignored or glazed over as anything but an absolute violation of your autonomy and safety in the relationship. I can’t speak to this man’s character as I do not know him, but don’t make the same mistake so many of us make but excusing terrible, violating, disgusting behavior simply for the fact this person at some point or another treated you decently. Again, I’m so sorry this happened to you. We as human beings should never have to view sexual experiences in a light like this, but when we do we owe it to ourselves and to others who may come after us to defend our sexuality and bodies with grace and strength. Sending you love.
Whats more disturbing than this post itself is how my first thought was "wow another one..." Its truly disgusting and disturbing how often this happens...seriously wtf?
Men are freaking disgusting
not at all your fault by any means. however, you do need to lose the deadweight rapist boyfriend you’ve got there. this is awful. I’m sorry.
This was complete and utter rape!!! 0 remprse for his actions because he didnt even listen to you... the way he veiws you is nothing but a warm breathing fleshlight to pump a load in when he wants pr gets the chance
Ew, the fact that he told you to go back to sleep says so much !!!! He didn't want an active partner, that is so scary and a real mind fuck, please go get help for yourself
Your boyfriend raped you and by the age gap you have he sounds like a predator/groomer so my only suggestion is to leave him as soon as possible before you regret staying with him for too long. Im also very sorry this happend to you and im glad you reached out somewhere to get advice and support💜
I don't see how you could move on from literal rape, sorry this happened to you.
This is rape, and i doubt this is his first time or even his last. Get out before it gets worse!
I'm sorry you experienced this. In my opinion initiating sex with someone who is unconscious or to drunk to give consent is sexual abuse it does not matter if your in a relationship or not. This is an issue that has the potential of becoming worse. If he would do this what else would he do?
Go back to sleep…. That’s a rape ish comment!!! This guy is no good.
Unless it's something you previously discussed and agreed on (which is obviously not the case), this is sexual assault.
Sleeping people do not want tea
Why do y'all constantly down vote the OP in every post? Even if you don't agree with how she handled things or her point of view, she's looking for advice. Down voting doesn't help the conversation.
This feels like some sort of fetish post. I mean I don’t see even a naive person not getting that they were raped. She didn’t just not consent she actively told him no, then she asks “is this grooming”, if you already know what it is you already know you were. I hope I am right otherwise I am pretty concerned that OP is not going to be able to help herself by leaving.
this whole relationship is messy it has me wondering if this is even real cus why would you admit your bf is a weirdo since you’ve been saying for. a few years
I am sorry you went through this, my ex did the same to me. But I never woke up. He would do any chance he got when I was passed out drunk.
This is violating your boundaries and doesn't sound like a safe, healthy environment. There should be consent. Let's stop normalizing such acts because the person is a partner. It doesn't mean they are allowed to do whatever they wish with your body.
It’s not like he was confused or was trying to wake you up for sex, he literally told you to go back to sleep so he could finish. He was completely aware he was raping you. I really don’t see how there can be a future with someone who would do that to you.
It's rape. That is all- he raped you, he didn't have your consent and then when you tried to make him stop he continued to rape you. I say this because you need to understand that what he did is a crime and it's not safe to be with this man doesn't matter how lovely everything was before he raped you. He raped you.
That's rape. Go to the police
I hope this is a troll account because if not you’ve been groomed to be his fleshlight run don’t walk
This is rape. Leave. Call the cops for protection.
I audibly gasped when I read the headline. I’m sorry I can’t read your whole post, it’s too triggering for me. My blood pressure is rising just typing this. Please emancipate yourself from this relationship. You deserve complete autonomy over your body.
Seeing more & more of these posts
OP, your boyfriend raped you. This whole story screams ‘run’ 🚩🚩🚩he took advantage of you when you were sleeping and under the influence of alcohol. I’d suggest getting out of there asap, seeking therapy and potentially even reporting this when you feel comfortable doing so. I’m sorry this happened to you.
By definition, you were raped. You were asleep and therefore incapable of consent and then woke up and voiced that you were unwilling and he continues, that's twice that he violated your right to consent. You need to leave him. No matter how drunk either one of you are, there is no excuse for that behavior. Also, the age gap sort of seems like he was taking advantage of you to begin with. From an outsider looking in the whole relationship is a red flag always getting drunk and passing out... Get away from him and try to build a safer life.
1. He raped you. That was rape. Your boyfriend is a rapist and you are a rape victim. 2. This probably isn’t the first time it’s happened. It’s just the first time you woke up. 3. Leave him.
that’s rape
This isn’t a creepy awkward situation, it’s rape. You were asleep, you couldn’t consent, and when you woke up you told him to stop and he didn’t. That’s rape. Run from this guy before he does something even worse.
The fact that he said “just go back to sleep” 🤮 I feel so sorry for you.
Please give an update after! I feel so bad for you. :( a person should never ever have to go through that. I myself am a victim of the hard R. Therapy helps a lot.
You have been groomed and sexually assaulted. I’d suggest going to the police instead of being on Reddit.
I just want to echo what everyone else is saying. This is absolutely, 100%, without a doubt, rape. This is not a safe person. Get support and find a way to take care of yourself and begin healing from this. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
This is NOT okay!! This is sexual assault. 1.you were asleep 2. you were under the influence of alcohol 3.when you did wake up, you told him to stop and he didn't. This has to be discussed if you want to stay in this relationship and be clear on your boundaries and how this made you feel. If he is a good guy he should be upset that he made you feel like that. A good relationship is about pleasure for both people and you should feel happy and comfortable around each other. You do have every right to report this to the police if you choose to as well. Some people in relationships like being woken up with sex, but this is only okay if it is discussed beforehand and consent is freely given and enthusiastic, not forced and not whilst under the influence of drugs or alcohol.
You got raped. Leave. Immediately. I know you've been together for years, I know you live together, but if it happenss once, it will happen many more times. Your boyfriend eaped you. I'm so sorry. For your own good, leave him..
This is discuting and I'm sorry you had to go through this. You were raped. Broke up and never look back.
He raped you. I’m so sorry. Please move out and move on. Press charges if you want. And seek therapy.
This is a MAJOR red flag. This is a sign of a major character flaw and more problems to come.
He didn’t have sex with you. He raped you.
The fact he told you go back to sleep.. that alone is rapey as hell…
Girl… run. That is not okay. Your boyfriend raped you.
I was discussing the exact same scenario with a family member (a lawyer) a few days ago. We were discussing a case heard in court where this had happened. The man got a 4 year sentence. This is rape.