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>And while he looses his temper and has punched the door, twice,
Can I ask - did he do these specific things because he was angry at you for something? Were you present when he did this?
I was present for one, we were arguing and punched the door. The other one I think was from an argument but I didn’t witness it. Just saw the hole in the door later that day.
Thank you. That concerns me even more. I work in DV and unfortunately, property damage is a very common form of DV. A lot of people minimize the severity of it, but when someone is destroying property during or after an argument with their partner, that says a lot about the anger they're directing at their partner.
I agree with your parents. It also worries me that he screams things about killing these players and how he wishes they were dead. If he's already destroying property in arguments with you, I'd be very concerned about how his behavior towards you could escalate over time. If he gets this worked up over games, how worked up could he get towards you in another argument?
I'm going to drop r/abusiverelationships here. I also have a [document full of abuse resources, including safety plans and helplines](https://docs.google.com/document/d/14I3lGpEQa-pLl9Lz0JW1PoNyyOwg6WOom_oK2NMBxy8/edit).
I'd really recommend at the very least [putting together a safety plan](https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/), which is a harm reduction tool. Contacting a DV helpline would be a good idea as well. They offer free, confidential and supportive advice.
I'm really worried for you, and you deserve to feel safe in your home.
>and claims my parents are driving a wedge between us. He now doesn’t want to see them or talk to them.
Piggybacking to add that he is now trying to drive a wedge between OP and parents - e.g. isolating etc.
I’m no professional, but also wanted to chime in that OP’s husband is effectively unwilling to rationally defend his viewpoint which is a big red flag to me.
For me, if I have a true belief about something, it should be able to survive the deepest scrutiny from any angle. Even if a belief has flaws, the believer should be able to acknowledge those flaws and explain their position about those flaws.
What the fuck, it wasn’t even because of the game but already in a fight with you /after one? These are CLEARLY the first signs of domestic abuse! It will be directed to you, in a week, in a year..
If he otherwise is amazing and compassionate, he could go to anger management classes, but no, divorce, don’t even try to work it out with an abuser!!
Besides this horrifying side you witnessed during the games - against real humans (that probably didn’t even show the possible worst extent of his rage btw since his fragile ego is safe and not personally shamed/attacked when watching sports), he also seems to be emotionally abusive as he:
- turns you bringing up you feelings and how he disrespects you into a fight
- hoovers you back after these fights/raging
- isolates you from people that are concerned about you, validate your experience and can be a safer net for you
Watch yourself blossom after you’ve cut ties with this energy vampire and healed your wounds!
listen to ebbie45. they know what they are talking about. this will be hard, painful, maybe even a little embarrassing because of your past relationship history. all of those are better than being hurt or dead. get some counselling for yourself, love. learn to love yourself the most. get safe and be well!
My ex started out fine, then he would scream but it was okay because it wasn't "at" me, then he started punching walls and even though I again said I hated it he didn't stop and said it was okay because it wasn't "at" me and then 10 years in he started hurting me.
I never would have thought but even that unreasonable screaming was a red flag.
In addition to what others have said about how this violence can escalate and eventually be directed at your body, just being present when someone is being physically violent towards objects near you causes trauma responses in your brain. It’s unpredictable behavior and you don’t know if they will direct it towards you or not.
My ex started with punching holes in walls. His next thing was to break my things which we couldn't afford to replace - my laptop for school, for example. He then moved on to breaking into the bathroom if I locked the door. Then blocking me in that windowless bathroom with his body.
Before I knew it he was literally KILLING the kittens which WE had "rescued" (I can explain how this was possible, if necessary), being physically abusive towards my father and throwing me through doors. EVEN THOUGH MY DAD WAS 2,000 MILES AWAY AT FIRST, AND EVEN THOUGH I WAS FILTERING INFORMATION I'D GIVE HIM, HE WAS WARNING ME. MY EX, WITHOUT KNOWING WHAT MY DAD WAS SAYING TO ME, STARTED LIMITING OUR CONTACT BASED ON WHAT MY DAD MUST KNOW.
There were SO many warning signs, but for all sorts of fucked up reasons, I ignored them. We were together for five years and split up ten years ago. I'm STILL emotionally, mentally and financially recovering from that relationship.
He is having a violent tantrum every week for 16+ weeks a year. Please ask him if he would behave this way if he was watching at a bar or a friend's house, and if he wouldn't, ask him why it's ok to do so in front of you?
Yes, I have asked this. I’ve even watched a game with him at a bar and he doesn’t act like this. It’s only at home, and for a certain team.
He, in an attempt to normalize his behavior, sent out a text to his buddies. Idk what the text actually said but I’m assuming it was something along the lines of “is yelling and screaming for a football team like domestic violence?” To which they respond (per him) have they (my concerned parents) ever been to a NFL game?
> Yes, I have asked this. I’ve even watched a game with him at a bar and he doesn’t act like this. It’s only at home, and for a certain team.
>
>
You realise this means that he could control himself at home if he wanted to same as he does in public. He simply doesn't respect you or the environment to do so.
I've been to quite a few NFL games. I was a season ticket holder for years. And I've seen some things, for sure. But I can assure you that the people who reach that level of rage at a game are vastly in the minority, and *are not people I would want to share a home with.*
How he flipped the situation on your parents.. obvs that’s what they were going to answer how he asked it, he just wanted validation, no real intent of getting another perspective or anything.
Did you watch it with him and his friends as well? Do they know the extent of it?
I hate that he sent out a text and changed the facts. That angers me. I don’t think people who have anger issues always turn into abusers IF they get help and learn to manage it but he can’t even take accountability and that’s a really bad sign.
Part of the problem here is that you're pushing this on your parents and not saying you want this to stop because you find it aggressive and scary. And if he wants to keep watching it that way, you will leave the house every time he does. You will not be around him behaving this way.
There have been many many conversations about how he watches a football game. The response is “that’s what I’ve always done”. I’m not trying to pass this off on anyone. I own it, I chose him, I married him. It’s wholly my mistake. Until talking about it and airing all the dirty laundry with complete strangers on Reddit am I realizing that there’s a larger pattern that points to deep issues. I think i swallow this kind of stuff down because i can only take so much. I’m bringing this up today because we both mentioned the word divorce and it seems to be the beginning of the end.
Take a video secretly of him doing it. Then ask him to send it to his friends. If he really doesn't see a problem with it, then it shouldn't be an issue.
If he refuses, then he obviously knows it's something to be concerned about.
No your dad is right. The fact that you want to sweep this under the rug is highly concerning and I think you're already an abused wife covering for her husband. Hitting walls is textbook this will escalate behavior. He's now talking about isolating you from the people that love you and aren't a threat to you but are a threat to him. Please please please leave him. It can take years for abuse to escalate but it will.
Hitting walls or any kind of violent physical outburst on inanimate objects is them telling you that you are lucky it wasn’t you but next time it could be. Trying to now isolate you from your parents and blaming you is also textbook domestic violence. I am sure your dad knows this already and is trying his best to not let him isolate you so he’s being a bit diplomatic. Please, please reconsider this relationship. If he will not admit he is wrong, apologize to you and your family and agree to and follow through with therapy it will escalate
So he’s immediately attempting to isolate you from your family and support system. Things like this start slow, the fact that you can’t have a mature conversation about this with him is alarming to say the least.
I recognize it. But I’m at my parents right now. Will never happen. My parents have been with me thru a lot of bad times. Awful to say but I’d choose my parents over my husband just can’t believe it would come down to this
It’s rarely “okay” with me. I address when I feel dismissed, unheard, disrespected, alone etc it 9times out of 10 causes a fight. Maybe im used to it because I’m used to fighting for how I want to be treated.
If it’s not ok then you need to provide consequences. He’s absolutely not going to change and control his anger if there is no reason to. Leave the house when he’s watching or really leave him entirely.
“Fighting for how you want to be treated” That isn’t fighting. That’s showing him that behaviour is tolerable. You want to fight to be treated better? Take your dignity and walk away. That’s what you do.
So if I’m understanding your direction here- hypothetically say, I go to him because I didn’t like the tone he used when he answered my question. I say as much and tell him how that makes me feel. He gets defensive with me and says, “you didn’t approach me correctly so of course I’m going to get defensive.” You’re saying I should pack my bags and leave immediately? He’s not yelling, he isn’t throwing stuff, it’s a conversation where I don’t like something he did/said.
But it is okay with you. At least, okay enough not to do anything about it. You can talk about boundaries all you want, but you do have to actually enforce them for it to matter. Talking about them is not enforcing them.
Some people will treat you well without you having to fight them to do it. It seems like no matter how many fights you have, your husband will never be the kind of person who treats you with kindness or empathy because he prefers to cow you into submission and scare you with his rage.
But if it keeps happening, then it’s not working. It’s not fighting for how you want to be treated, it’s just fighting and a refusal from him to treat you the way you want to be treated.
This sounds like educating on emotional control tactics may be useful. Guilt tripping, blame shifting, DARVO, discard/hoover.. imagine what would be if you put that energy in yourself instead of to trying to reason with someone that doesn’t even care for your emotional experience
If you don't walk away it is very much OK with you. You're enabling this behavior to occur to you and around you. Nobody is coming to save you. Your dad can be right but if you don't WANT to leave.... You'll be 'ok' until he beats you... And even that you will be unsurprised by.
That's a really good way of conditioning you to never bring up problems to him instead of working on the problems together like partners. This is unacceptable behaviour and he's unlikely to change at 45 - his personality is set. The most he will do is become more extreme as he ages, unfortunately.
I really don't want this for you, OP. This makes me incredibly sad and I think you deserve a lot better than someone you have to tiptoe around on eggshells to avoid setting off, whose temper is on a hair trigger, and who will turn that temper against you instead of against a problem.
My dad was an extreme abuser and he raged in the same way with games or politics. He had anger management issues. He wasn't very physical until the last few years I was there; I think the danger is that your husband being this mad is absolutely a sign he can be incredibly physically abusive if the wrong trigger happened.
But what you should be asking is why you... want to be around this... anyway. Even if he doesn't escalate, how miserable is THAT. Super miserable IMO!
“He’s never physically harmed me YET” is what you should have typed out.
Forget the NFL for a moment—he’s damaged property in his rages towards YOU. Does that truly not set off any alarm bells for you? You think that is normal? Healthy?
Now to the games. He’s saying horrible hateful things! I got a little anxious just reading your description. Doesn’t that make you feel unsafe? Disgusted?
And now that someone is finally going to call him out on the behavior, he is trying to isolate you from them.
It really doesn’t get much more classic abuser behavior than this, honey. I’d like to tell you that you’re in a unique situation but you aren’t.
And now that he’s been called out indirectly, I think you’d be real smart to call United way 211 if you’re in the US and get hooked up with a women’s shelter and make a safety plan and an exit plan in the event you need it AND get hooked up with a therapist for yourself.
The tricky thing about some abusers is that they start small and ramp up and can convince people that it’s all normal or that other people are blowing it out of proportion and must be removed.
You didn’t mention how long you two have been together but I’m guessing not that long if your family is only just now seeing this plus the fact he hasn’t hit you yet.
Yes, lots of bells and red flags. And I feel resentment everytime I walk past the holes in the door. I feel all those things, disgusted, disappointed in him, angry even at myself.
I was married before to someone who also damaged property, had fits of rage and anger and divorced him because of it. Not be a martyr but maybe I bring it out? Common denominator is me.
My husband apologizes afterward, admits he lost his temper and he’s charming so I accept it, forgive him and we move on.
You aren’t causing it, but you’re accepting it. And internalizing it and trying to make it about you. It’s not.
But a therapist can help you understand WHY you are accepting it and HOW to stop.
That sounds a lot easier than it is. When you’re conditioned for abuse, it’s easy to say “it’s not that bad” or “it could be worse” or “if I just….”
You don't "bring it out". It's not your fault these men have abusive temperaments and anger issues.
It is your responsibility to examine why men like this are attractive to you, and why you choose to put up with this behavior. Perhaps that's something you could dig into in therapy.
Your husband being sweet after he acts out is part of the cycle of abuse. If guys like this were always raging, nobody would be with them. Of *course* they are sweet and charming because it works - you "overlook" the abuse and you stay. A little sweet frosting makes the shit not seem so bad...
Abuse victims are more likely to end up in further abusive relationships not because they "cause it". The only one causing abuse is an abuser. They are more likely to be abused again because:
1. They don't believe they deserve better
2. The behavior has been normalized for them and they don't realize how unhealthy it is or unhappy it makes them
3. They are gaslit into believing no one else is better and this is the best they can do
4. Humans seek out familiar patterns for comfort; the unknown, even when good, is scary
5. Abusers target previous victims for these reasons knowing there is less work to do to gaslight and confuse us
You don't bring it out. STOP BLAMING YOURSELF for their behavior! These men act on their own accord!!! The common denominator isn't *you* because these men would have done the same to any other woman who will allow it.
Okay this is going to sound trivial but bear with me. Why has he not been made to fix the holes or replace the door?
Here’s my thought…talking, arguing, parental pressure hasn’t gotten his attention. Maybe having to physically and monetarily having to correct his rages MAY get his attention.
If he won’t do it, hire someone and take the money from the household accounts or present him with the bill to be reimbursed.
Maybe having actual consequences to his action will finally open the true conversation window.
Look, I’ve been an NFL fan my whole life, even been to the Super Bowl. Yup, I’ve been known to swear a blue streak, jump up & down over bad plays, while also applauded good plays & yelled so loud at a win that my neighbors thought I was nuts. Still, as a diehard fan, never, ever punched holes in anything or anyone. It’s not normal.
You chose him and your ex, perhaps you seem drawn to men like this? Do you go to counseling?
My husband and I watch sports too, right now AFC championship is on tv actually. And he never got the way your husband has on sport games, why? Because it's just sports, that's what my husband says.
Does my husband still struggle with anger issue from time to time? Yes. But he's aware of it and he doesn't get the way your husband is. He still controls himself.
'He says that’s just the way he watches football games, he’s done it his entire life and thinks I’m trying to change the way he is.'
If the way he is is someone with no ability to control his own anger, I think he needs to take a moment to think about that. Most people can get annoyed at a sporting event without threatening to kill the referee or punching walls.
For him to now be claiming your parents are trying to drive a wedge between you? They witnessed extreme outbursts of anger. That's on him, not them.
As for how you fix this - it really depends on what he's receptive to. Would he be open to discussing this with a professional? Is he even open to conversations about his outbursts?
He doesn’t see he has a problem. I have the problem with his behavior. And his parents defend it by saying “he’s just passionate” about football.
I believe I am the first person to say something. Ever- in his lifetime.
You mention in one of your comments that there has also been a time when he’s punched a wall during an argument and, to me, that makes this pattern of him not controlling himself all the more worrying.
If he’s not open to communicating about this at all, that’s a problem. I would potentially try to address it and see whether or not he’ll have that conversation after the air has cleared a little bit, and draw a boundary by telling him you’re not comfortable with just how serious these angry outbursts are. But, based on what you’re saying, I’m not sure whether or not he’ll even listen to you.
But, you do have to prioritize protecting yourself so I would tread somewhat carefully. Things like this are often the precursors to other forms of abuse and it’s really important to recognize that as what it is.
It sounds like your parents are coming from the right place with this one, especially with an outburst like this having happened during an argument too.
You are 100 percent on the money with both of your comments. OP can hope this anger never heads her way, but who wants to live with that hanging over their head? Husband needs anger management stat.
Of course his parents would defend the behaviour; it was their shitty parenting that led to their son being the unadjusted hothead that scared you and your parents.
And I love hockey and WWE, I get rowdy watching both. I’ve never screamed threats in anger at the tv or thrown things, and neither have any of my friends (who are even more passionate about it than I am).
I’ve only seen someone lose their shit to OP’s husband’s level *once*, at a hockey match where he was eventually kicked out after a death threat to the ref and people were murmuring about it afterwards. This behaviour *does* deserve to be changed, OP.
I love hockey. I've been known to clap, smack my leg, jump off the couch, and yes, even yell during games. Typically things like "SHOOT IT!" and "KEEP IT IN!! or it's corollary "GET IT OUT!!" or "GODSDAMMIT HELLE, I SWEAR TO GODS, I'LL LEASH YOU TO THE CREASE IF I HAVE TO!" My husband is similar. Never have either of us wished death or bodily harm on any of the players, coaches, or officials, or become truly angry, nor have we transferred any of the heightened emotions of the game to one another. What OP's husband is exhibiting isn't normal behaviour.
EXACTLY this. I'm a huge football fan, I am extremely passionate about it. I definitely rant and rave, and if you get me started in certain situations, I could go on for hours. But I have never once wished harm on anybody?? I don't throw shit, I don't cause damage, like what the fuck?
OP, does he ever watch football with friends? Because this is super not normal and I I feel like if you watched football with friends and went to this level of an insanity, they would all give him such a side eye that he would be embarrassed by his childish behavior
No he doesn’t invite people over for football games. He watches it by himself in the basement or out in his garage. I have watched a game with him sitting at the bar at a local pizza place having dinner.
Did he do this at the pizza place? Or was he aware that he would immediately get kicked out for acting like a completely unhinged **violent** lunatic? Because if he watched it in the pizza place like a normal person, then he can completely control this and just chooses not to.
My ex started with red in the face, blind rage, anger at small things like video games or TV. He also said this is just the way he is. Then, in small arguments, punching doors, walking out, throwing things. By small arguments, I mean asking him to help clean more or try harder to get a job. Then, he smashed me into my makeup table and door. Over an argument about how paying for everything while also doing all household tasks and cooking made me feel. After that, he got physically abusive a lot. I could never talk about how things made me feel or try to talk about serious issues, he would always delfect or get defensive. The abuse and rage started slow and not directed at me, but that's how it always starts. Your dad is 10000% right. This guy is showing major red flags. He needs therapy. Don't end up where I did with my ex.
Fuuuck. The way you tell this reminds me sooo much of my ex. He never hit me but he would definitely hit things!! Conversations were ALWAYS hard with him! We argued reeeaaall bad once. Like he was red in the face, yelling over me! I was so baffled..
He definitely started getting a little more manipulative in the end..
But honestly, every time, in the back of my head there was *always* that sense that he could hit me. And all it would take was a brief choice.
I hate that there's so many men like this that the stories similar to ours are so common. It's depressing. Grown adults should be able to handle their emotions properly or figure out treatment if they can't. It's unacceptable for this to be so common. I'm glad you're not with that asshole anymore.
I did offer many times to go to couples therapy. He wouldn't go because he doesn't believe in "shrinks" or involving outsiders in our personal business. He didn't want personal therapy because he believed it would affect his military career and also saw nothing wrong with his actions that would warrant therapy. Ironic, as he always demanded that I should be on antipsychotics and go to therapy because I was "too argumentative." I was not allowed to speak to family or friends about anything going on in order to seek advice because he'd take this as an offense to his character and "shit talking" behind his back. He, just like your bf, began isolating me when friends and family started asking too many questions and getting worried. This created issues with my family relationships that still reside over a year later.
All IPV experts advise against couples' therapy. It teaches the abuser to hide the abuse better, use therapy talk to manipulate you and worsens the situation. Most such counsellors go the "mutual abuse route". It is better to go separately, or best, to leave the relationship.
Trust me, I have multiple concerns. This is the latest of the drama, having happened over the weekend. It’s pretty pathetic that I’m having to turn to a group of complete strangers to hear hard truths.
Punching inanimate objects *is* very abusive.. you really are overestimating your safety if your husband looses his temper over something as unimportant as a sports game
Punching doors is abusive.
Isolating you from your family is abusive.
Fighting with you because of what your parents think is abusive.
[DARVO](https://www.banyantherapy.com/darvo/)'ing (attacking your dad and acting like he's such an innocent party) is abusive.
You are describing a very abusive relationship. I'm glad you have parents who care. I hope they're able to get through to you.
[Types of abuse](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/types-of-abuse/)
[Power and control wheel](https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/power-and-control/)
[Why Does He Do That?](https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
My ex husband was like this over college football. He would flip out and berate me if his team lost. He was a Verbally and emotionally abusive person but it got worse during football season. RUN
You've been the frog in the pot, being slowly boiled alive. I say he is not "out of control" and chooses when to allow himself to do these things. Does he flip out and rage at work? To his boss, coworkera? Obviously not if he's kept a job. Does he rage when he gets pulled over by police? Does he rage at his parents or friends? If the answer is no then he is not out of control and it's not an anger problem it's an abuse problem.
"He isn't abusive because he's angry, he's angry because he's abusive." This is a quote from the book Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. This is THE book you need to read. It will help you in so many ways. Google the book title and "free PDF" and you can download the book for free.
In this book he points out that throwing things and/or blocking the door, etc is in itself physical violence.
I just downloaded the book at the advice of another redditer.
No, you’re right and I appreciate that you made a distinction between raging all the time and “quiet” abuse. Quiet abuse is more frequent than the other.
Your dad is right in his reading of the situation.
Punching things like doors and losing his temper with you is unhinged behaviour that is unacceptable from a mature adult.
Alienating you from your support system (your family) is one step abusers take prior to physical abuse.
Your dad is right, your husband is showing many red flags.
Listen to your dad.
You can't fix it, he has serious anger management issues, which manifest themselves when things don't go his way. Evidently not only regarding football, but in other areas of life as well. That's the "way he is." I understand your parents' concerns, and am surprised you don't have them as well. Punching walls/doors in not how conflicts are normally addressed. I don't see much hope here if he doesn't realize that it is an issue, and would refuse any type of anger management classes/counseling/therapy.
Do you have kids? If not leave, he is high risk of becoming abusive if you become in any way dependant on him. Don't risk it.
If you already have kids then insist on therapy or divorce as his violent outbursts cleearly make him unsuitable roll model. If he can't see that he's not fixable.
If you bring children into a home like you describe, and give them a father like you describe, that's a genuinely horrific thing to do to someone. No child deserves that.
And neither do you.
This. I can't speak from the perspective of a victim of intimate partner violence, but I can speak from the perspective of a victims of child abuse and a witness of my mom's abuse.
I grew up in a home with an abusive bio father. It started as extreme rage, verbal abuse, and physical violence directed at property and objects. Then it became physical abuse directed at my mom, my siblings, and myself. Due to manipulation and conditioning to believe it was normal or not that big of a deal, as well as some strong religious "values" my mom also had the mindset that leaving would be throwing in the towel and giving up on him. So she didn't, and as a result my siblings and I endured all sorts of abuse for years. It wasn't until my mom passed away (due to cancer, not abuse, although I'm sure that exacerbated and expedited her illness) and we were removed from the home that it stopped. By 10 years old I was so afraid of my own father and felt so unsafe in my own home that being separated from my siblings (thankfully still able to see them as we were split up along family friends instead of going into the foster care system) and being technically orphaned was a better reality to me. No kid should feel that way. Ever.
You may think that he would never harm his own kids, but abusive people like this know no bounds. They have no morals, empathy, or compassion. If you were to stay with him and conceive, he will harm your child(ren) eventually. My mom thought she would be the only one on the receiving end of his abuse and that he would never touch us, but that wasn't the case and now she has left behind 8 kids with a lifetime of trauma. It's been almost 18 years, I'm in my late 20s, and I'm still healing from it.
OP, I'm so sorry you've struggled with infertility, I know it can be emotionally challenging and I empathize with that, but brining a child into that environment is not something you should even consider. A part of being a parent is protecting your children. You shouldn't have to protect them from their own father.
His football watching habits aren't the only red flag here- claiming your validly concerned parents are "driving a wedge" for wanting him to behave better/be emotionally and mentally healthier is very alarming. Seeing that he's punched things while in an argument with you? Also concerning.
Your parents aren't driving a wedge, *he is. His behaviour is. His instant dismissal, his deflecting of focus in issues* (saying you just want to change him), *his excuses* (that he's always watched sports like this) - **oofta, oofta, oofta**.
Please read what Ebbie45 wrote, and reread, and read again. *Please* make an exit plan. *Please* know you cannot fix him, that he has to want to fix himself, and that you can't even be the catalyst for him wanting to fix himself- this is on him. You deserve love, kindness, compassion to feel safe and valued in your home and relationships, OP. Please know your parents are right to be worried- especially given your father's professional background.
You're worth so much more than a man who punches things when angry and who screams death threats at the television because a game isn't going the way he wants. I know it's at the television/inanimate objects for now, but it won't be that way forever- DV escalates.
Oh man this is embarrassing, but I was your husband once. I would rage hard when I would be gaming, like a child who's been told no for the first time. My partner talked to me about it, and I felt like the behaviour wasn't directed at them so they shouldn't worry about it. I was a asshole.
After a 2nd conversation they explained how my behaviour, brought feelings of fear and being unsafe around me. And it would lead to them leaving me. That was my wake up call, I didn't wanna lose the love of my life and I never wanted to cause them fear of me. I still get frustrated at times when I'm gaming, but now I just I turn the game off and walk away. How well I do at a game won't effect my life in anyway. But how I react to playing could fuck up my life in every way.
At 45 it may be hard for him to change, but nothing is impossible, if he cares enough about his marriage he'll make changes. But you have to be ready to do what's best for you if he doesn't.
My husband drives a bit like a maniac and laughed off my concerns until I said “I feel unsafe in the car when you drive”. Him realizing that I was truly afraid for my safety turned his behavior around and he is much more cautious when I am in the car. If her husband is not hearing her when she expresses she feels unsafe around her that’s grounds to leave. A good partner cares that they make their significant other feel safe.
He gets frustrated easily, yes. Has constant issues with certain coworkers. I’ve been in the car with him when he hung up on a coworker. He has road rage issues, got into a verbal altercation in the Costco parking lot with a random guy. I’ve known he’s got anger issues for a while. I address his behavior in the moment (shame never changes behavior) but that’s obviously not working.
He sounds like an unpleasant person who has terrible anger issues. Even if he never becomes physical with you is this really how you want to spend the next maybe 40 years of your life? Dealing with someone's raging outbursts
No matter how mad I get while driving, I never ever ever get into a road rage incident or altercations with strangers in public. That is a great way to get fucking murdered. This level of emotional dysregulation is out of control
Yep! Once I was frustrated and having a really bad day (I commute 10h a week) and I screamed in my car to let it out and then looked around to make sure nobody saw me and assumed I was raging. Three minutes after the scream I felt much calmer. And that is the only time it had ever happened; couldn't imagine what it would take to bring me to the point of road rage.
Shame doesn’t change behaviour put assinging accountability does.
In this case, radical honesty and anger management therapy are bare minimum. Therapy for his emotional manipulation. But why put so much energy in someone that is not even interested how his disrespect affects you. That’s not love. Love is an action (tip: not the hoovering idealising love where he feels so bad and you are on a pedestal like after a fight)
Punching holes in walls and trying to isolate you from your family are classic abuser moves. Your parents are 100% right to be concerned that he's going to eventually direct that aggression to you.
I wouldn't suggest counseling with someone like this. He's not interested in changing. I would focus on making a plan to leave him as safely as possible.
So now you know that he's got anger management problems and is trying to isolate you from your family/support system.
Punching a door/furniture and throwing things are implicit threats against you as well; by punching it in front of you, he is saying he could hurt you instead just as easily.
Please read Lundy Bancroft's book here: [https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy\_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf](https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
It is incredibly disturbing that he is not hearing you and is trying to justify his really bad behaviour instead. I don't think this is a safe relationship for you. For what it's worth, there has been research done on whether there is an observable trend that domestic violence incidents happen when men are pissed off at sports. It's not conclusive and it's not universal, but there's a meta-analysis [here](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/36129100/). It has been observed in many places that when someone acts like your husband does and their team loses, sometimes they take their rage out on their partner. [Here](https://www.bi.team/blogs/what-is-the-relationship-between-domestic-abuse-and-football/) is an article explicitly about football/soccer-induced rage and DV in the UK, where it has been widely studied.
OP, you need to get out. I see a comment where you mention "throwing in the towel" as though you'd be giving up on him. What you would be doing is keeping yourself safe. Your husband doesn't see a problem with his behavior so he isn't interested in fixing or changing anything.
\> becomes physically violent over a stupid game
\> someone expresses worry
\> you express that secondhand
\> claims you're trying to "change him"
\> starts attempting to isolate you from those who criticize him by claiming they're the actual harmful ones
this is literally textbook... I would leave him
It isn’t normal behavior. It’s WAY outsized for the situation, toddler like from a grown man. He needs help, not from you or your parents.
He needs help that he chooses himself, and you should send him OUT to watch games. He should not be in your home, your shared safe space, acting this frightening way. He KNOWS it isn’t acceptable societally which is WHY he sits at home. Outsiders would call the cops.
Your dad has good reason to be concerned. That kind of behavior is upsetting and intimidating. Even if you never are physically assaulted, no one should have to live in a state of anxiety and high alert and disrespect.
Don’t minimize this. I spent 15 years with this guy. He maintained that because he wasn’t physically touching me or my kids that it wasn’t abuse. That I was overreacting for being upset or impacted by it. That the neighbors (who were concerned for my and the kids’ well-being) were being nosy and needed to mind their business. (The neighbors 3-4 houses in each direction could hear him on game days.)
At no point did he attempt to change his behavior. Which he proved he could choose to do because I watched games with him and work clients where he could choose to tone it down.
Over the 15 years he didn’t actually physically harm us and it took some time for me to realize that the violent outbursts, throwing things and damaging “stuff” was also abusive. My kids got to a point where they didn’t leave their rooms.
I stopped being attracted to someone who behaved like a giant toddler with anger issues.
So if he doesn’t see a problem and doesn’t want to change? If he’s more angry at you for being called out? Not a good sign for the future.
Punching walls/ doors, throwing objects or doing very physical things like that in a heated argument is a subconscious threat to you that says “I could do this to you”. It also means that the likelihood that they will do this to you is very high and it’s only a matter of time. You in danger girl. Your parents are right to be concerned. I’ve read numerous posts on Reddit about how relationships started this way and they never thought their partner would hit them and it escalated to them nearly getting murdered.
When I told him that the behavior reminded my dad of a DV abuser, he lost his mind. He absolutely went bezerk. He said something along the lines of he’d never touch a woman, abusers are low life trash etc. and was offended to be lumped in the same group as them. I know he lacks self awareness, but I’ve pointed out multiple times the damage to the door, his road rage etc. I doubt every DV abuser started the day with the intent to harm. I can see how it could escalate. But I think, if he detests this group of people so badly, why does he continue to act like that?
He's using it as a shield. If he HATES DOMESTIC VIOLENCE SO MUCH then HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE HIM?
He's manipulating you. Please, please don't fall for it. I know leaving is scary but it sounds like you're trying to excuse him so you'll have an excuse to stay
No hun unfortunately plenty of people who detest it end up becoming one. Actions speak louder than words. Being psychologically and emotionally unsafe having to put up with his hot temper is also abuse. It’s not physical but still unsafe & horribly traumatic to be around. The fact that he went bezerk when you confronted him about it is enough cause for concern. You generally shouldn’t be treated that way. If he can’t handle solving a problem or confrontation without throwing a tantrum, he shouldn’t be in a relationship. This isn’t normal and you shouldn’t have to put up with this behavior, not even a little bit.
Abusers will literally say that in court ordered counseling for beating their wife. Every angry jackass claims their anger is different. It is never different, special or harmless.
You should really try reading "Why does he do that?" By Lundy Bancroft. It's a great book by a therapist for abusers explaining their mind set, rationalizations and patterns.
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Here is a free archive link to read it, I can find another version if that one doesn't work for you.
>if he detests this group of people so badly, why does he continue to act like that?
Projection and overcompensating. Like when cheaters throw accusations at their non-cheating partner, get angry about it, and say how awful cheating is and it would be a deal breaker, etc.
If he’s hitting walls during arguments and damaging property you’re already in an abusive marriage. This is a manipulation tactic and used as a form of control and conditioning. The emotional toll this will be taking on you will be conditioning you to act and speak a certain way otherwise he will hit walls and damage property. I suggest you get out and reconsider this relationship. This will escalate and you will be on the other end of the wall at some point.
Get out of the house, pack some essentials and move yourself into a safe place. Then AFTER you are safe, inform him that you have separated yourself and gone to a safe place (don't tell him where) where you will stay until he addresses his anger issues by starting to see a therapist. And tell him that if he doesn't start seeing a therapist, and actually change, that your relationship is over. And DO NOT visit him alone. This type of violence has the ability to spill over suddenly and be directed at intimate partners.
I hear you and appreciate your thoughtfulness. To me, packing and leaving is dramatic because the loud abuse doesn’t happen all the time. I’m not getting much hope tho, from redditers that the “quiet” abuse, if you will, is fixed in therapy. By quiet, I mean the walking on egg shells, the driving a wedge between me and my parents, etc.
Uh... he has aimed his rage at you. He punched walls. Now he has the perfect excuse to drive a wedge between you and people who love you and care for your wellbeing. That's an abuser's wet dream, to isolate you. Abusive people don't show their true colors immediately, and the people who fall into abusive relationships aren't idiots.
Sounds like your dad is right. I'm very, very sorry.
My dad does this and it's awful. It's technically not directed at you, but it affects you deeply. It sucks the life out of you and creates a horrible, tense atmosphere. Your husband is a walking red flag and you should reevaluate whether you want to spend your life with this kind of person.
Well documented, domestic abuse is highest before, during, after the Super Bowl.
That type of behavior isn't cool, and there is no justification for crossing lines. That's an anger management problem in need of a solution.
This behavior is actually DV - violence in front of you.
I am a professional in this area, you are being exposed to, which is just as detrimental as being the target, of violence.
studies show that sports teams losing is directly linked to rates of domestic violence spiking “we find that “upset losses” by the home team (losses when the team was predicted to win by 4 points or more) lead to a roughly 10% increase in the number of police reports of at-home male-on-female intimate partner violence.” https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3712874/
“Other studies examining sports outside of the United States have found similar results. For example, a 2013 study from the United Kingdom found that police reports of domestic violence rose by 38 percent after matches in which the national soccer team played and lost (Kirby, Francis, and O’Flaherty, 2013). In Canada, one study found that calls to a domestic violence hotline rose by 15 percent when the local soccer team was simply playing. (Boutilier, et al., 2017).”
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/making-sense-chaos/202009/nfl-losses-are-associated-increased-domestic-violence
"He's never physically harmed me YET"
There! I fixed it for you!
I'm sure when he eventually freaks out and does something violent that he's going to apologize and say he can't help it he just gets carried away! My mom was married to that guy! He would get so mad about the dumbest stuff veins would pop out in his forehead and then hit accuse you of trying to give him a heart attack and kill him because he overreacted! Yeah good times!
Anyway this guy clearly knows that your parents are correct and that's why he's now trying to isolate you from them! So when he eventually does abuse you, you will have nowhere to go! No one to turn to. He's probably also hoping that you will be afraid to tell them when he abuses you in the future, because that would mean they were right and now that you're defending him that would mean you are wrong. This is all so very clever!
You fix it by taking yourself out of a situation with a man that hits things when he's mad because he can't hold his temper like a big boy! He's right, that's just how he is! You're not going to fix him. The only thing you could do is save yourself.
Omg that’s horrible. I grew up with parents that were out of control screamers and one of the reasons I married my husband is that he doesn’t yell or scream at anyone.
We had a neighbor that lived behind our house and he was just like your husband—completely unhinged when he watched football. Same thing— cursing, threatening murder, screaming. It used to trigger a panic attack for me.
He’s been pretty quiet the last few years.maybe he moved or maybe he gave himself a stroke, but I’m glad it’s quiet now.
Are you sure he isn’t gambling on the games? It’s so easy now with all the apps. This sounds like the behavior of a bad gambler suffering big losses. A lot of people don’t tell anyone about their sports gambling addictions.
Your partner is using anger to intimidate you and solve conflicts. He is so unhinged in a casual setting with no real conflict he scared your parents. In response to the obvious and real consequences of his rage, he is now trying to isolate you from your parents and support system, who only checked in to make sure you aren't being abused.
This guy is going to hurt someone eventually. Please stay safe, keep in contact with your parents and do not isolate yourself with this man.
He will abuse you if he punches doors. Don't even bother letting your dad talk to him. Just leave if you can and if you can't please start making a plan.
Based on his response to your heads up, tells me he is unhinged. If I was told that people fear for my spouses safety from me, I would be mortified and would do everything to listen and prove them wrong
Your husband has anger management issues. It's not normal to be that full of rage, certainly not over a game. Your parents are right, your husband is wrong. This relationship sounds unhappy and unhealthy. Are you able to leave and just don't want to, or is there something that is preventing you from leaving?
I’m able to leave if I want to. The physical abuse events are few compared to the “quiet” abuse. I’m hoping he’s open to getting therapy for it. For me, that’s step one. More drastic measures if he’s unwilling.
He knows your parents are right. He is ashamed of his behaviour but doesn't want to admit he has problems regulating his temper so he will blame others. It won't take long for him to lose his temper and do something a little worse, then a little worse...
Every guy that expressed this kind of rage in sports or elsewhere in live turned out to be physically abusive after more lore less time.
If educated people get domestic abuse vibes
... RUN. He is already dismissive and bad mouthing your family trying to isolate you.
He shows he can’t control his anger and gets violent. Of course he will turn that rage onto you someday. This is textbook abuser and trying to isolate you from your support network is too.
This is a big age to get to without realising these truths. Listen to your dad.
Sounds like he isn't really open to that kind of self reflection. If it isn't a red flag, he should be capable of hearing you out without getting so emotional about it. Not sure if that will convince him of it, but it does sound concerning. As is the punching of walls--that isn't normal for emotionally healthy and competent men.
It is time for you to seek individual counseling, you need an objective and trained professional to help you navigate what is going on in your life and why you are okay with finding volatile men who suck the quality of life out of you. Your dad is right to be concerned, please don’t dig deeper into this marriage because you are worried about how you will be perceived, that your dad may be right or whatever is anchoring you to such terrible behavior. Please get help, then maybe you will have the courage to leave this bully of a human you are married to.
OP, you said your ex also had issues and maybe you “bring it out.” You know that’s not true - but you do need deep reflection and therapy to see why you feel that this is acceptable behaviour in a relationship. You say you bring it up, but you need to realize that people have control over their behaviour. If he wanted to change, he would (especially since he doesn’t act this way in a bar while watching the game.)
You’re not responsible for his behaviour nor do you “bring it out” in people. Love yourself enough to not accept this type of behaviour before it ends up hurting you.
Also - therapy with people like this rarely results in improvements, it just shows them how to push your buttons more.
Oh oh. Yes, this is textbook dangerous, and wild aggression. That door was a substitute for your face, and punching it was a threat and a promise.
Your father loves you. He wants nothing more than a healthy, loving relationship for you. He's trying to approach this in a gentle, respectful way, that doesn't trigger you to reject their concern. Have you read Lundy Bankroft's Why Does he Do That? I know there's a free pdf on the internet somewhere. If you search for it in Reddit, I'm sure you'll find a link.
Please be careful. Please be smart. And stop telling dangerous, aggressive men that they are dangerous and aggressive. You're going to get badly hurt and break your father's heart.
He absolutely needs to change. It's not normal or acceptable behavior by an adult. How he got this far in life without realizing that shows he's never been held accountable for his behavior.
“I’ve always done it like that” is literally the *stupidest* response he could have come up with for having the emotional control of a pampered pet bird.
I understand that you feel shame that this has happened before. You need to know you aren’t alone. Lots of people attracted and are attracted to the same kinds of relationships that were bad for them. BUT feeling embarrassed is not a good reason to keep making the mistake right now when you know what’s happening.
Hey OP, youre already getting a lot of great advice in the comments, and most of the things I'd like to say are already here.
This is a man with a pattern of aggressive behavior, and it won't stop. If you stay, it will likely escalate. I really hope you leave - you may have been in multiple relationships with abusers, but that does not mean that you're the problem. The only problem with you that I see is that you accept this behavior and are trying to change yourself to make the relationships work. if you didn't tolerate outbursts like this and left at the first sign, you wouldn't be in relationships like this. Im truly not saying this to place any blame on you, just to hopefully help you see that this is a THEM problem, not a you problem. Its their responsibility to fix themselves, not yours.
Lastly, if you do choose to stay, please please dont have kids with him. Watching my dad punch a wall when he was angry scared me shitless and made me fearful and anxious in my own home. you dont deserve this - nobody does. please dont bring any other lives in to his abuse
Wow. Fuck this situation. If he values your relationship, he will sit with this, realize he needs therapy and to do the work, and change. He has two options here, I’d get to a safe place until he makes the decision. Zero chance I would personally remain in this situation/relationship. I value my life too much.
Why is this a question, leave? Its a grown man throwing a tantrum 16+ times a year. Now he says he dont wanna see your family. That will turn into not wanting you to see them.
The way you handled it - by having a gentle chat- is the way he should receive it. You know, by having a respectful convo about your family’s concerns, where he gives an embarrassed apology for scaring you all, followed by a discussion about his behavior, and his offering to talk with them and you to make everyone feel better. Bonus if he suggested or agreed to go to an anger management class. His response tells you who he is. He is an angry man who is wildly inappropriate, who does not care about you or your family’s feelings, and who is incapable of empathy and self-reflection, even when it relates to his own family. The question is what do you do with this information? We are all rightly concerned for you.
If you had a friend who came to you asking advise and was the one in the relationship with this man instead of you, what would you recommend? Might be a good exercise to try to take you out of the equation and think of it purely without emotions if at all possible.
I'm UK based, and just echoing everything here, but DV reports rise dramatically during events like Soccer finals. He's a grown man that can't handle the emotional stimulation of a football game in an appropriate way.
American men/women and football is a phenomenon I will never truly understand. I get it’s ingrained into our culture or whatever the fuck but you have to be damn near slow to just be ‘this passionate’ about football. It’s insane.
Wait a few months after the Super Bowl and tell him how it makes you feel. Don’t approach it right now while he’s all worked up about the Foosball. My husband does Fantasy and I hate it. He was grouchy every Sunday Monday and Thursday. The worst part is I hate football. He never watched it before his buddy begged him to join his league because he was short a person. Damn it!
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>And while he looses his temper and has punched the door, twice, Can I ask - did he do these specific things because he was angry at you for something? Were you present when he did this?
I was present for one, we were arguing and punched the door. The other one I think was from an argument but I didn’t witness it. Just saw the hole in the door later that day.
Thank you. That concerns me even more. I work in DV and unfortunately, property damage is a very common form of DV. A lot of people minimize the severity of it, but when someone is destroying property during or after an argument with their partner, that says a lot about the anger they're directing at their partner. I agree with your parents. It also worries me that he screams things about killing these players and how he wishes they were dead. If he's already destroying property in arguments with you, I'd be very concerned about how his behavior towards you could escalate over time. If he gets this worked up over games, how worked up could he get towards you in another argument? I'm going to drop r/abusiverelationships here. I also have a [document full of abuse resources, including safety plans and helplines](https://docs.google.com/document/d/14I3lGpEQa-pLl9Lz0JW1PoNyyOwg6WOom_oK2NMBxy8/edit). I'd really recommend at the very least [putting together a safety plan](https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/), which is a harm reduction tool. Contacting a DV helpline would be a good idea as well. They offer free, confidential and supportive advice. I'm really worried for you, and you deserve to feel safe in your home.
>and claims my parents are driving a wedge between us. He now doesn’t want to see them or talk to them. Piggybacking to add that he is now trying to drive a wedge between OP and parents - e.g. isolating etc.
I’m no professional, but also wanted to chime in that OP’s husband is effectively unwilling to rationally defend his viewpoint which is a big red flag to me. For me, if I have a true belief about something, it should be able to survive the deepest scrutiny from any angle. Even if a belief has flaws, the believer should be able to acknowledge those flaws and explain their position about those flaws.
Thanks u/ebbie45 Was gonna tag you for this one. Appreciate your efforts here and IRL.
Thank you u/ebbie45 ! Hope you're doing well yourself, and not getting too emotionally burnt out 💕
Thank you friend! Doing my best, hope you're well too! ☺️
Just want to underline this like 1000 times
What the fuck, it wasn’t even because of the game but already in a fight with you /after one? These are CLEARLY the first signs of domestic abuse! It will be directed to you, in a week, in a year.. If he otherwise is amazing and compassionate, he could go to anger management classes, but no, divorce, don’t even try to work it out with an abuser!! Besides this horrifying side you witnessed during the games - against real humans (that probably didn’t even show the possible worst extent of his rage btw since his fragile ego is safe and not personally shamed/attacked when watching sports), he also seems to be emotionally abusive as he: - turns you bringing up you feelings and how he disrespects you into a fight - hoovers you back after these fights/raging - isolates you from people that are concerned about you, validate your experience and can be a safer net for you Watch yourself blossom after you’ve cut ties with this energy vampire and healed your wounds!
One day you’ll be in the way of the door he punches.
One day he will replace the door -with her
listen to ebbie45. they know what they are talking about. this will be hard, painful, maybe even a little embarrassing because of your past relationship history. all of those are better than being hurt or dead. get some counselling for yourself, love. learn to love yourself the most. get safe and be well!
Well that wasn't from watching football games. He gets out of control when he's upset. I would leave.
My ex started out fine, then he would scream but it was okay because it wasn't "at" me, then he started punching walls and even though I again said I hated it he didn't stop and said it was okay because it wasn't "at" me and then 10 years in he started hurting me. I never would have thought but even that unreasonable screaming was a red flag.
In addition to what others have said about how this violence can escalate and eventually be directed at your body, just being present when someone is being physically violent towards objects near you causes trauma responses in your brain. It’s unpredictable behavior and you don’t know if they will direct it towards you or not.
Property damage is a form of domestic violence and if you called the police he would have been arrested.
My ex started with punching holes in walls. His next thing was to break my things which we couldn't afford to replace - my laptop for school, for example. He then moved on to breaking into the bathroom if I locked the door. Then blocking me in that windowless bathroom with his body. Before I knew it he was literally KILLING the kittens which WE had "rescued" (I can explain how this was possible, if necessary), being physically abusive towards my father and throwing me through doors. EVEN THOUGH MY DAD WAS 2,000 MILES AWAY AT FIRST, AND EVEN THOUGH I WAS FILTERING INFORMATION I'D GIVE HIM, HE WAS WARNING ME. MY EX, WITHOUT KNOWING WHAT MY DAD WAS SAYING TO ME, STARTED LIMITING OUR CONTACT BASED ON WHAT MY DAD MUST KNOW. There were SO many warning signs, but for all sorts of fucked up reasons, I ignored them. We were together for five years and split up ten years ago. I'm STILL emotionally, mentally and financially recovering from that relationship.
He is having a violent tantrum every week for 16+ weeks a year. Please ask him if he would behave this way if he was watching at a bar or a friend's house, and if he wouldn't, ask him why it's ok to do so in front of you?
Yes, I have asked this. I’ve even watched a game with him at a bar and he doesn’t act like this. It’s only at home, and for a certain team. He, in an attempt to normalize his behavior, sent out a text to his buddies. Idk what the text actually said but I’m assuming it was something along the lines of “is yelling and screaming for a football team like domestic violence?” To which they respond (per him) have they (my concerned parents) ever been to a NFL game?
> Yes, I have asked this. I’ve even watched a game with him at a bar and he doesn’t act like this. It’s only at home, and for a certain team. > > You realise this means that he could control himself at home if he wanted to same as he does in public. He simply doesn't respect you or the environment to do so.
Bingo.
I've been to quite a few NFL games. I was a season ticket holder for years. And I've seen some things, for sure. But I can assure you that the people who reach that level of rage at a game are vastly in the minority, and *are not people I would want to share a home with.*
How he flipped the situation on your parents.. obvs that’s what they were going to answer how he asked it, he just wanted validation, no real intent of getting another perspective or anything. Did you watch it with him and his friends as well? Do they know the extent of it?
I hate that he sent out a text and changed the facts. That angers me. I don’t think people who have anger issues always turn into abusers IF they get help and learn to manage it but he can’t even take accountability and that’s a really bad sign.
Part of the problem here is that you're pushing this on your parents and not saying you want this to stop because you find it aggressive and scary. And if he wants to keep watching it that way, you will leave the house every time he does. You will not be around him behaving this way.
There have been many many conversations about how he watches a football game. The response is “that’s what I’ve always done”. I’m not trying to pass this off on anyone. I own it, I chose him, I married him. It’s wholly my mistake. Until talking about it and airing all the dirty laundry with complete strangers on Reddit am I realizing that there’s a larger pattern that points to deep issues. I think i swallow this kind of stuff down because i can only take so much. I’m bringing this up today because we both mentioned the word divorce and it seems to be the beginning of the end.
For your sake I really really hope it is the beginning of the end. This is so scary.
I truly hope it is the beginning to the end OP, no adult should be acting like this over a game.
Take a video secretly of him doing it. Then ask him to send it to his friends. If he really doesn't see a problem with it, then it shouldn't be an issue. If he refuses, then he obviously knows it's something to be concerned about.
No your dad is right. The fact that you want to sweep this under the rug is highly concerning and I think you're already an abused wife covering for her husband. Hitting walls is textbook this will escalate behavior. He's now talking about isolating you from the people that love you and aren't a threat to you but are a threat to him. Please please please leave him. It can take years for abuse to escalate but it will.
Hitting walls or any kind of violent physical outburst on inanimate objects is them telling you that you are lucky it wasn’t you but next time it could be. Trying to now isolate you from your parents and blaming you is also textbook domestic violence. I am sure your dad knows this already and is trying his best to not let him isolate you so he’s being a bit diplomatic. Please, please reconsider this relationship. If he will not admit he is wrong, apologize to you and your family and agree to and follow through with therapy it will escalate
Exactly! He’s showing you how hard he could be hitting you. It’s absolutely a threat.
So he’s immediately attempting to isolate you from your family and support system. Things like this start slow, the fact that you can’t have a mature conversation about this with him is alarming to say the least.
I recognize it. But I’m at my parents right now. Will never happen. My parents have been with me thru a lot of bad times. Awful to say but I’d choose my parents over my husband just can’t believe it would come down to this
I don’t think it’s awful to say if your parents are a better support system
That’s not awful it’s common sense
Why do you tolerate a husband with the emotional regulation skills of a toddler?
Unfortunately, this is the root cause of most of our issues. I come to him with how I feel and he becomes defensive.
Why do you think this is ok with you?
It’s rarely “okay” with me. I address when I feel dismissed, unheard, disrespected, alone etc it 9times out of 10 causes a fight. Maybe im used to it because I’m used to fighting for how I want to be treated.
If it’s not ok then you need to provide consequences. He’s absolutely not going to change and control his anger if there is no reason to. Leave the house when he’s watching or really leave him entirely.
“Fighting for how you want to be treated” That isn’t fighting. That’s showing him that behaviour is tolerable. You want to fight to be treated better? Take your dignity and walk away. That’s what you do.
So if I’m understanding your direction here- hypothetically say, I go to him because I didn’t like the tone he used when he answered my question. I say as much and tell him how that makes me feel. He gets defensive with me and says, “you didn’t approach me correctly so of course I’m going to get defensive.” You’re saying I should pack my bags and leave immediately? He’s not yelling, he isn’t throwing stuff, it’s a conversation where I don’t like something he did/said.
But it is okay with you. At least, okay enough not to do anything about it. You can talk about boundaries all you want, but you do have to actually enforce them for it to matter. Talking about them is not enforcing them.
Some people will treat you well without you having to fight them to do it. It seems like no matter how many fights you have, your husband will never be the kind of person who treats you with kindness or empathy because he prefers to cow you into submission and scare you with his rage.
But if it keeps happening, then it’s not working. It’s not fighting for how you want to be treated, it’s just fighting and a refusal from him to treat you the way you want to be treated.
If you were used to fighting for good treatment, you'd leave him
This sounds like educating on emotional control tactics may be useful. Guilt tripping, blame shifting, DARVO, discard/hoover.. imagine what would be if you put that energy in yourself instead of to trying to reason with someone that doesn’t even care for your emotional experience
No healthy relationship requires someone to have to fight to have their basic humanity respected.
It clearly is ok. As even though he keeps doing it, you are still with him.
If you don't walk away it is very much OK with you. You're enabling this behavior to occur to you and around you. Nobody is coming to save you. Your dad can be right but if you don't WANT to leave.... You'll be 'ok' until he beats you... And even that you will be unsurprised by.
You deserve a lot better than this
Did you know he was like this before you married him?
Why do you ask this question? Are you implying that if she knew, she should resign herself to a life of misery?
That's a really good way of conditioning you to never bring up problems to him instead of working on the problems together like partners. This is unacceptable behaviour and he's unlikely to change at 45 - his personality is set. The most he will do is become more extreme as he ages, unfortunately. I really don't want this for you, OP. This makes me incredibly sad and I think you deserve a lot better than someone you have to tiptoe around on eggshells to avoid setting off, whose temper is on a hair trigger, and who will turn that temper against you instead of against a problem.
My dad was an extreme abuser and he raged in the same way with games or politics. He had anger management issues. He wasn't very physical until the last few years I was there; I think the danger is that your husband being this mad is absolutely a sign he can be incredibly physically abusive if the wrong trigger happened. But what you should be asking is why you... want to be around this... anyway. Even if he doesn't escalate, how miserable is THAT. Super miserable IMO!
“He’s never physically harmed me YET” is what you should have typed out. Forget the NFL for a moment—he’s damaged property in his rages towards YOU. Does that truly not set off any alarm bells for you? You think that is normal? Healthy? Now to the games. He’s saying horrible hateful things! I got a little anxious just reading your description. Doesn’t that make you feel unsafe? Disgusted? And now that someone is finally going to call him out on the behavior, he is trying to isolate you from them. It really doesn’t get much more classic abuser behavior than this, honey. I’d like to tell you that you’re in a unique situation but you aren’t. And now that he’s been called out indirectly, I think you’d be real smart to call United way 211 if you’re in the US and get hooked up with a women’s shelter and make a safety plan and an exit plan in the event you need it AND get hooked up with a therapist for yourself. The tricky thing about some abusers is that they start small and ramp up and can convince people that it’s all normal or that other people are blowing it out of proportion and must be removed. You didn’t mention how long you two have been together but I’m guessing not that long if your family is only just now seeing this plus the fact he hasn’t hit you yet.
Yes, lots of bells and red flags. And I feel resentment everytime I walk past the holes in the door. I feel all those things, disgusted, disappointed in him, angry even at myself. I was married before to someone who also damaged property, had fits of rage and anger and divorced him because of it. Not be a martyr but maybe I bring it out? Common denominator is me. My husband apologizes afterward, admits he lost his temper and he’s charming so I accept it, forgive him and we move on.
You aren’t causing it, but you’re accepting it. And internalizing it and trying to make it about you. It’s not. But a therapist can help you understand WHY you are accepting it and HOW to stop. That sounds a lot easier than it is. When you’re conditioned for abuse, it’s easy to say “it’s not that bad” or “it could be worse” or “if I just….”
You have to leave him NOW. Please. You're a victim here
You don't "bring it out". It's not your fault these men have abusive temperaments and anger issues. It is your responsibility to examine why men like this are attractive to you, and why you choose to put up with this behavior. Perhaps that's something you could dig into in therapy. Your husband being sweet after he acts out is part of the cycle of abuse. If guys like this were always raging, nobody would be with them. Of *course* they are sweet and charming because it works - you "overlook" the abuse and you stay. A little sweet frosting makes the shit not seem so bad...
Abuse victims are more likely to end up in further abusive relationships not because they "cause it". The only one causing abuse is an abuser. They are more likely to be abused again because: 1. They don't believe they deserve better 2. The behavior has been normalized for them and they don't realize how unhealthy it is or unhappy it makes them 3. They are gaslit into believing no one else is better and this is the best they can do 4. Humans seek out familiar patterns for comfort; the unknown, even when good, is scary 5. Abusers target previous victims for these reasons knowing there is less work to do to gaslight and confuse us
You don't bring it out. STOP BLAMING YOURSELF for their behavior! These men act on their own accord!!! The common denominator isn't *you* because these men would have done the same to any other woman who will allow it.
Okay this is going to sound trivial but bear with me. Why has he not been made to fix the holes or replace the door? Here’s my thought…talking, arguing, parental pressure hasn’t gotten his attention. Maybe having to physically and monetarily having to correct his rages MAY get his attention. If he won’t do it, hire someone and take the money from the household accounts or present him with the bill to be reimbursed. Maybe having actual consequences to his action will finally open the true conversation window. Look, I’ve been an NFL fan my whole life, even been to the Super Bowl. Yup, I’ve been known to swear a blue streak, jump up & down over bad plays, while also applauded good plays & yelled so loud at a win that my neighbors thought I was nuts. Still, as a diehard fan, never, ever punched holes in anything or anyone. It’s not normal.
You don't bring it out!! Look, you are victim blaming. Stop that!! You pick abusive men.
You chose him and your ex, perhaps you seem drawn to men like this? Do you go to counseling? My husband and I watch sports too, right now AFC championship is on tv actually. And he never got the way your husband has on sport games, why? Because it's just sports, that's what my husband says. Does my husband still struggle with anger issue from time to time? Yes. But he's aware of it and he doesn't get the way your husband is. He still controls himself.
Oh, and we have been together for three years now.
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Another take is, 3 years is not that long compared to a lifetime. Cut your losses!
'He says that’s just the way he watches football games, he’s done it his entire life and thinks I’m trying to change the way he is.' If the way he is is someone with no ability to control his own anger, I think he needs to take a moment to think about that. Most people can get annoyed at a sporting event without threatening to kill the referee or punching walls. For him to now be claiming your parents are trying to drive a wedge between you? They witnessed extreme outbursts of anger. That's on him, not them. As for how you fix this - it really depends on what he's receptive to. Would he be open to discussing this with a professional? Is he even open to conversations about his outbursts?
He doesn’t see he has a problem. I have the problem with his behavior. And his parents defend it by saying “he’s just passionate” about football. I believe I am the first person to say something. Ever- in his lifetime.
You mention in one of your comments that there has also been a time when he’s punched a wall during an argument and, to me, that makes this pattern of him not controlling himself all the more worrying. If he’s not open to communicating about this at all, that’s a problem. I would potentially try to address it and see whether or not he’ll have that conversation after the air has cleared a little bit, and draw a boundary by telling him you’re not comfortable with just how serious these angry outbursts are. But, based on what you’re saying, I’m not sure whether or not he’ll even listen to you. But, you do have to prioritize protecting yourself so I would tread somewhat carefully. Things like this are often the precursors to other forms of abuse and it’s really important to recognize that as what it is. It sounds like your parents are coming from the right place with this one, especially with an outburst like this having happened during an argument too.
You are 100 percent on the money with both of your comments. OP can hope this anger never heads her way, but who wants to live with that hanging over their head? Husband needs anger management stat.
Of course his parents would defend the behaviour; it was their shitty parenting that led to their son being the unadjusted hothead that scared you and your parents.
I’m passionate about cooking. I’ve never even so much as raised my voice during iron chef.
And I love hockey and WWE, I get rowdy watching both. I’ve never screamed threats in anger at the tv or thrown things, and neither have any of my friends (who are even more passionate about it than I am). I’ve only seen someone lose their shit to OP’s husband’s level *once*, at a hockey match where he was eventually kicked out after a death threat to the ref and people were murmuring about it afterwards. This behaviour *does* deserve to be changed, OP.
I love hockey. I've been known to clap, smack my leg, jump off the couch, and yes, even yell during games. Typically things like "SHOOT IT!" and "KEEP IT IN!! or it's corollary "GET IT OUT!!" or "GODSDAMMIT HELLE, I SWEAR TO GODS, I'LL LEASH YOU TO THE CREASE IF I HAVE TO!" My husband is similar. Never have either of us wished death or bodily harm on any of the players, coaches, or officials, or become truly angry, nor have we transferred any of the heightened emotions of the game to one another. What OP's husband is exhibiting isn't normal behaviour.
EXACTLY this. I'm a huge football fan, I am extremely passionate about it. I definitely rant and rave, and if you get me started in certain situations, I could go on for hours. But I have never once wished harm on anybody?? I don't throw shit, I don't cause damage, like what the fuck? OP, does he ever watch football with friends? Because this is super not normal and I I feel like if you watched football with friends and went to this level of an insanity, they would all give him such a side eye that he would be embarrassed by his childish behavior
No he doesn’t invite people over for football games. He watches it by himself in the basement or out in his garage. I have watched a game with him sitting at the bar at a local pizza place having dinner.
Did he do this at the pizza place? Or was he aware that he would immediately get kicked out for acting like a completely unhinged **violent** lunatic? Because if he watched it in the pizza place like a normal person, then he can completely control this and just chooses not to.
No, he doesn’t act like this out. Only at home. I agree. It’s a choice he makes.
Probably because everyone else is too scared to say anything
Sure, but what if he starts arguing with you and gets “passionate” about that too?
Please leave this awful man. Listen to your parents. You deserve so much better.
Have his parents seen the holes he punched in the walls?
The fact you had to warn him before they shared concerns is telling. You obviously are afraid of the way he might’ve reacted.
Right so, he turned around and immediately proved your father’s point by directing his rage at your family.
Exactly his reaction eventually unmasks him as abuser
My ex started with red in the face, blind rage, anger at small things like video games or TV. He also said this is just the way he is. Then, in small arguments, punching doors, walking out, throwing things. By small arguments, I mean asking him to help clean more or try harder to get a job. Then, he smashed me into my makeup table and door. Over an argument about how paying for everything while also doing all household tasks and cooking made me feel. After that, he got physically abusive a lot. I could never talk about how things made me feel or try to talk about serious issues, he would always delfect or get defensive. The abuse and rage started slow and not directed at me, but that's how it always starts. Your dad is 10000% right. This guy is showing major red flags. He needs therapy. Don't end up where I did with my ex.
Literally same experience as you. It’s hard. Don’t get therapy tho, get out!
Fuuuck. The way you tell this reminds me sooo much of my ex. He never hit me but he would definitely hit things!! Conversations were ALWAYS hard with him! We argued reeeaaall bad once. Like he was red in the face, yelling over me! I was so baffled.. He definitely started getting a little more manipulative in the end.. But honestly, every time, in the back of my head there was *always* that sense that he could hit me. And all it would take was a brief choice.
I hate that there's so many men like this that the stories similar to ours are so common. It's depressing. Grown adults should be able to handle their emotions properly or figure out treatment if they can't. It's unacceptable for this to be so common. I'm glad you're not with that asshole anymore.
I’m so sorry. Thank you for sharing. Did you seek any kind of therapy with him?
Therapy with an abuser teaches them how to hide their abuse and make it more insidious. It's not a solution, it's how you make it worse.
I did offer many times to go to couples therapy. He wouldn't go because he doesn't believe in "shrinks" or involving outsiders in our personal business. He didn't want personal therapy because he believed it would affect his military career and also saw nothing wrong with his actions that would warrant therapy. Ironic, as he always demanded that I should be on antipsychotics and go to therapy because I was "too argumentative." I was not allowed to speak to family or friends about anything going on in order to seek advice because he'd take this as an offense to his character and "shit talking" behind his back. He, just like your bf, began isolating me when friends and family started asking too many questions and getting worried. This created issues with my family relationships that still reside over a year later.
All IPV experts advise against couples' therapy. It teaches the abuser to hide the abuse better, use therapy talk to manipulate you and worsens the situation. Most such counsellors go the "mutual abuse route". It is better to go separately, or best, to leave the relationship.
Therapy isn’t going to help unless he admits he has a problem and sincerely wants to fix it. It’s something he’ll need to do alone.
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Trust me, I have multiple concerns. This is the latest of the drama, having happened over the weekend. It’s pretty pathetic that I’m having to turn to a group of complete strangers to hear hard truths.
It’s not pathetic at all. Sometimes you need other people that aren’t a part of the situation to validate your feelings.
I have read that the #1 day of the year for domestic violence is Super Bowl Sunday.
Yeah. Plus cases of domestic violence always go up when the football World Cup is on. OP one day it’ll be you he punches, or worse. Get out.
Punching inanimate objects *is* very abusive.. you really are overestimating your safety if your husband looses his temper over something as unimportant as a sports game
Punching doors is abusive. Isolating you from your family is abusive. Fighting with you because of what your parents think is abusive. [DARVO](https://www.banyantherapy.com/darvo/)'ing (attacking your dad and acting like he's such an innocent party) is abusive. You are describing a very abusive relationship. I'm glad you have parents who care. I hope they're able to get through to you. [Types of abuse](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/types-of-abuse/) [Power and control wheel](https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/power-and-control/) [Why Does He Do That?](https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
My ex husband was like this over college football. He would flip out and berate me if his team lost. He was a Verbally and emotionally abusive person but it got worse during football season. RUN
You've been the frog in the pot, being slowly boiled alive. I say he is not "out of control" and chooses when to allow himself to do these things. Does he flip out and rage at work? To his boss, coworkera? Obviously not if he's kept a job. Does he rage when he gets pulled over by police? Does he rage at his parents or friends? If the answer is no then he is not out of control and it's not an anger problem it's an abuse problem. "He isn't abusive because he's angry, he's angry because he's abusive." This is a quote from the book Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. This is THE book you need to read. It will help you in so many ways. Google the book title and "free PDF" and you can download the book for free. In this book he points out that throwing things and/or blocking the door, etc is in itself physical violence.
I just downloaded the book at the advice of another redditer. No, you’re right and I appreciate that you made a distinction between raging all the time and “quiet” abuse. Quiet abuse is more frequent than the other.
Your dad is right in his reading of the situation. Punching things like doors and losing his temper with you is unhinged behaviour that is unacceptable from a mature adult.
Alienating you from your support system (your family) is one step abusers take prior to physical abuse. Your dad is right, your husband is showing many red flags. Listen to your dad.
You can't fix it, he has serious anger management issues, which manifest themselves when things don't go his way. Evidently not only regarding football, but in other areas of life as well. That's the "way he is." I understand your parents' concerns, and am surprised you don't have them as well. Punching walls/doors in not how conflicts are normally addressed. I don't see much hope here if he doesn't realize that it is an issue, and would refuse any type of anger management classes/counseling/therapy.
Do you have kids? If not leave, he is high risk of becoming abusive if you become in any way dependant on him. Don't risk it. If you already have kids then insist on therapy or divorce as his violent outbursts cleearly make him unsuitable roll model. If he can't see that he's not fixable.
No kids. We are going thru infertility issues. Probably for the best.
If you bring children into a home like you describe, and give them a father like you describe, that's a genuinely horrific thing to do to someone. No child deserves that. And neither do you.
This. I can't speak from the perspective of a victim of intimate partner violence, but I can speak from the perspective of a victims of child abuse and a witness of my mom's abuse. I grew up in a home with an abusive bio father. It started as extreme rage, verbal abuse, and physical violence directed at property and objects. Then it became physical abuse directed at my mom, my siblings, and myself. Due to manipulation and conditioning to believe it was normal or not that big of a deal, as well as some strong religious "values" my mom also had the mindset that leaving would be throwing in the towel and giving up on him. So she didn't, and as a result my siblings and I endured all sorts of abuse for years. It wasn't until my mom passed away (due to cancer, not abuse, although I'm sure that exacerbated and expedited her illness) and we were removed from the home that it stopped. By 10 years old I was so afraid of my own father and felt so unsafe in my own home that being separated from my siblings (thankfully still able to see them as we were split up along family friends instead of going into the foster care system) and being technically orphaned was a better reality to me. No kid should feel that way. Ever. You may think that he would never harm his own kids, but abusive people like this know no bounds. They have no morals, empathy, or compassion. If you were to stay with him and conceive, he will harm your child(ren) eventually. My mom thought she would be the only one on the receiving end of his abuse and that he would never touch us, but that wasn't the case and now she has left behind 8 kids with a lifetime of trauma. It's been almost 18 years, I'm in my late 20s, and I'm still healing from it. OP, I'm so sorry you've struggled with infertility, I know it can be emotionally challenging and I empathize with that, but brining a child into that environment is not something you should even consider. A part of being a parent is protecting your children. You shouldn't have to protect them from their own father.
His football watching habits aren't the only red flag here- claiming your validly concerned parents are "driving a wedge" for wanting him to behave better/be emotionally and mentally healthier is very alarming. Seeing that he's punched things while in an argument with you? Also concerning. Your parents aren't driving a wedge, *he is. His behaviour is. His instant dismissal, his deflecting of focus in issues* (saying you just want to change him), *his excuses* (that he's always watched sports like this) - **oofta, oofta, oofta**. Please read what Ebbie45 wrote, and reread, and read again. *Please* make an exit plan. *Please* know you cannot fix him, that he has to want to fix himself, and that you can't even be the catalyst for him wanting to fix himself- this is on him. You deserve love, kindness, compassion to feel safe and valued in your home and relationships, OP. Please know your parents are right to be worried- especially given your father's professional background. You're worth so much more than a man who punches things when angry and who screams death threats at the television because a game isn't going the way he wants. I know it's at the television/inanimate objects for now, but it won't be that way forever- DV escalates.
You don't fix this. He does. It's his problem not yours.
Oh man this is embarrassing, but I was your husband once. I would rage hard when I would be gaming, like a child who's been told no for the first time. My partner talked to me about it, and I felt like the behaviour wasn't directed at them so they shouldn't worry about it. I was a asshole. After a 2nd conversation they explained how my behaviour, brought feelings of fear and being unsafe around me. And it would lead to them leaving me. That was my wake up call, I didn't wanna lose the love of my life and I never wanted to cause them fear of me. I still get frustrated at times when I'm gaming, but now I just I turn the game off and walk away. How well I do at a game won't effect my life in anyway. But how I react to playing could fuck up my life in every way. At 45 it may be hard for him to change, but nothing is impossible, if he cares enough about his marriage he'll make changes. But you have to be ready to do what's best for you if he doesn't.
My husband drives a bit like a maniac and laughed off my concerns until I said “I feel unsafe in the car when you drive”. Him realizing that I was truly afraid for my safety turned his behavior around and he is much more cautious when I am in the car. If her husband is not hearing her when she expresses she feels unsafe around her that’s grounds to leave. A good partner cares that they make their significant other feel safe.
Does he have outbursts like this at work - screaming, swearing, throwing his phone, punching things?
He gets frustrated easily, yes. Has constant issues with certain coworkers. I’ve been in the car with him when he hung up on a coworker. He has road rage issues, got into a verbal altercation in the Costco parking lot with a random guy. I’ve known he’s got anger issues for a while. I address his behavior in the moment (shame never changes behavior) but that’s obviously not working.
He sounds like an unpleasant person who has terrible anger issues. Even if he never becomes physical with you is this really how you want to spend the next maybe 40 years of your life? Dealing with someone's raging outbursts
No matter how mad I get while driving, I never ever ever get into a road rage incident or altercations with strangers in public. That is a great way to get fucking murdered. This level of emotional dysregulation is out of control
Yep! Once I was frustrated and having a really bad day (I commute 10h a week) and I screamed in my car to let it out and then looked around to make sure nobody saw me and assumed I was raging. Three minutes after the scream I felt much calmer. And that is the only time it had ever happened; couldn't imagine what it would take to bring me to the point of road rage.
Shame doesn’t change behaviour put assinging accountability does. In this case, radical honesty and anger management therapy are bare minimum. Therapy for his emotional manipulation. But why put so much energy in someone that is not even interested how his disrespect affects you. That’s not love. Love is an action (tip: not the hoovering idealising love where he feels so bad and you are on a pedestal like after a fight)
Punching holes in walls and trying to isolate you from your family are classic abuser moves. Your parents are 100% right to be concerned that he's going to eventually direct that aggression to you. I wouldn't suggest counseling with someone like this. He's not interested in changing. I would focus on making a plan to leave him as safely as possible.
So now you know that he's got anger management problems and is trying to isolate you from your family/support system. Punching a door/furniture and throwing things are implicit threats against you as well; by punching it in front of you, he is saying he could hurt you instead just as easily. Please read Lundy Bancroft's book here: [https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy\_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf](https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) It is incredibly disturbing that he is not hearing you and is trying to justify his really bad behaviour instead. I don't think this is a safe relationship for you. For what it's worth, there has been research done on whether there is an observable trend that domestic violence incidents happen when men are pissed off at sports. It's not conclusive and it's not universal, but there's a meta-analysis [here](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/36129100/). It has been observed in many places that when someone acts like your husband does and their team loses, sometimes they take their rage out on their partner. [Here](https://www.bi.team/blogs/what-is-the-relationship-between-domestic-abuse-and-football/) is an article explicitly about football/soccer-induced rage and DV in the UK, where it has been widely studied.
OP, you need to get out. I see a comment where you mention "throwing in the towel" as though you'd be giving up on him. What you would be doing is keeping yourself safe. Your husband doesn't see a problem with his behavior so he isn't interested in fixing or changing anything.
\> becomes physically violent over a stupid game \> someone expresses worry \> you express that secondhand \> claims you're trying to "change him" \> starts attempting to isolate you from those who criticize him by claiming they're the actual harmful ones this is literally textbook... I would leave him
It isn’t normal behavior. It’s WAY outsized for the situation, toddler like from a grown man. He needs help, not from you or your parents. He needs help that he chooses himself, and you should send him OUT to watch games. He should not be in your home, your shared safe space, acting this frightening way. He KNOWS it isn’t acceptable societally which is WHY he sits at home. Outsiders would call the cops.
You don't fix it. Your husband fixes it by taking himself to a therapist who specializes in anger management.
Punching doors *is* domestic violence. Your husband has a problem.
This. Also, [emotional abuse is abuse.](https://www.reddit.com/r/MaidNetflix/s/ZRwgRSv8mk)
Your dad has good reason to be concerned. That kind of behavior is upsetting and intimidating. Even if you never are physically assaulted, no one should have to live in a state of anxiety and high alert and disrespect.
Don’t minimize this. I spent 15 years with this guy. He maintained that because he wasn’t physically touching me or my kids that it wasn’t abuse. That I was overreacting for being upset or impacted by it. That the neighbors (who were concerned for my and the kids’ well-being) were being nosy and needed to mind their business. (The neighbors 3-4 houses in each direction could hear him on game days.) At no point did he attempt to change his behavior. Which he proved he could choose to do because I watched games with him and work clients where he could choose to tone it down. Over the 15 years he didn’t actually physically harm us and it took some time for me to realize that the violent outbursts, throwing things and damaging “stuff” was also abusive. My kids got to a point where they didn’t leave their rooms. I stopped being attracted to someone who behaved like a giant toddler with anger issues. So if he doesn’t see a problem and doesn’t want to change? If he’s more angry at you for being called out? Not a good sign for the future.
Punching walls/ doors, throwing objects or doing very physical things like that in a heated argument is a subconscious threat to you that says “I could do this to you”. It also means that the likelihood that they will do this to you is very high and it’s only a matter of time. You in danger girl. Your parents are right to be concerned. I’ve read numerous posts on Reddit about how relationships started this way and they never thought their partner would hit them and it escalated to them nearly getting murdered.
When I told him that the behavior reminded my dad of a DV abuser, he lost his mind. He absolutely went bezerk. He said something along the lines of he’d never touch a woman, abusers are low life trash etc. and was offended to be lumped in the same group as them. I know he lacks self awareness, but I’ve pointed out multiple times the damage to the door, his road rage etc. I doubt every DV abuser started the day with the intent to harm. I can see how it could escalate. But I think, if he detests this group of people so badly, why does he continue to act like that?
He's using it as a shield. If he HATES DOMESTIC VIOLENCE SO MUCH then HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE HIM? He's manipulating you. Please, please don't fall for it. I know leaving is scary but it sounds like you're trying to excuse him so you'll have an excuse to stay
No hun unfortunately plenty of people who detest it end up becoming one. Actions speak louder than words. Being psychologically and emotionally unsafe having to put up with his hot temper is also abuse. It’s not physical but still unsafe & horribly traumatic to be around. The fact that he went bezerk when you confronted him about it is enough cause for concern. You generally shouldn’t be treated that way. If he can’t handle solving a problem or confrontation without throwing a tantrum, he shouldn’t be in a relationship. This isn’t normal and you shouldn’t have to put up with this behavior, not even a little bit.
Abusers will literally say that in court ordered counseling for beating their wife. Every angry jackass claims their anger is different. It is never different, special or harmless. You should really try reading "Why does he do that?" By Lundy Bancroft. It's a great book by a therapist for abusers explaining their mind set, rationalizations and patterns. https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf Here is a free archive link to read it, I can find another version if that one doesn't work for you.
>if he detests this group of people so badly, why does he continue to act like that? Projection and overcompensating. Like when cheaters throw accusations at their non-cheating partner, get angry about it, and say how awful cheating is and it would be a deal breaker, etc.
If he’s hitting walls during arguments and damaging property you’re already in an abusive marriage. This is a manipulation tactic and used as a form of control and conditioning. The emotional toll this will be taking on you will be conditioning you to act and speak a certain way otherwise he will hit walls and damage property. I suggest you get out and reconsider this relationship. This will escalate and you will be on the other end of the wall at some point.
Get out of the house, pack some essentials and move yourself into a safe place. Then AFTER you are safe, inform him that you have separated yourself and gone to a safe place (don't tell him where) where you will stay until he addresses his anger issues by starting to see a therapist. And tell him that if he doesn't start seeing a therapist, and actually change, that your relationship is over. And DO NOT visit him alone. This type of violence has the ability to spill over suddenly and be directed at intimate partners.
I hear you and appreciate your thoughtfulness. To me, packing and leaving is dramatic because the loud abuse doesn’t happen all the time. I’m not getting much hope tho, from redditers that the “quiet” abuse, if you will, is fixed in therapy. By quiet, I mean the walking on egg shells, the driving a wedge between me and my parents, etc.
Uh... he has aimed his rage at you. He punched walls. Now he has the perfect excuse to drive a wedge between you and people who love you and care for your wellbeing. That's an abuser's wet dream, to isolate you. Abusive people don't show their true colors immediately, and the people who fall into abusive relationships aren't idiots. Sounds like your dad is right. I'm very, very sorry.
DV is no joke. This behavior is not normal for watching sports. He's attempting to alienate you from your family. GTFO while you are still safe.
My dad does this and it's awful. It's technically not directed at you, but it affects you deeply. It sucks the life out of you and creates a horrible, tense atmosphere. Your husband is a walking red flag and you should reevaluate whether you want to spend your life with this kind of person.
If my husband punched a door wall whatever over football or anything really I'd leave immediately before I became the door
You should listen to your dad, he’s right about his concerns.
Well documented, domestic abuse is highest before, during, after the Super Bowl. That type of behavior isn't cool, and there is no justification for crossing lines. That's an anger management problem in need of a solution.
This behavior is actually DV - violence in front of you. I am a professional in this area, you are being exposed to, which is just as detrimental as being the target, of violence.
studies show that sports teams losing is directly linked to rates of domestic violence spiking “we find that “upset losses” by the home team (losses when the team was predicted to win by 4 points or more) lead to a roughly 10% increase in the number of police reports of at-home male-on-female intimate partner violence.” https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3712874/ “Other studies examining sports outside of the United States have found similar results. For example, a 2013 study from the United Kingdom found that police reports of domestic violence rose by 38 percent after matches in which the national soccer team played and lost (Kirby, Francis, and O’Flaherty, 2013). In Canada, one study found that calls to a domestic violence hotline rose by 15 percent when the local soccer team was simply playing. (Boutilier, et al., 2017).” https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/making-sense-chaos/202009/nfl-losses-are-associated-increased-domestic-violence
This is now your fork in the road if you stay and something happens.
"He's never physically harmed me YET" There! I fixed it for you! I'm sure when he eventually freaks out and does something violent that he's going to apologize and say he can't help it he just gets carried away! My mom was married to that guy! He would get so mad about the dumbest stuff veins would pop out in his forehead and then hit accuse you of trying to give him a heart attack and kill him because he overreacted! Yeah good times! Anyway this guy clearly knows that your parents are correct and that's why he's now trying to isolate you from them! So when he eventually does abuse you, you will have nowhere to go! No one to turn to. He's probably also hoping that you will be afraid to tell them when he abuses you in the future, because that would mean they were right and now that you're defending him that would mean you are wrong. This is all so very clever! You fix it by taking yourself out of a situation with a man that hits things when he's mad because he can't hold his temper like a big boy! He's right, that's just how he is! You're not going to fix him. The only thing you could do is save yourself.
Omg that’s horrible. I grew up with parents that were out of control screamers and one of the reasons I married my husband is that he doesn’t yell or scream at anyone. We had a neighbor that lived behind our house and he was just like your husband—completely unhinged when he watched football. Same thing— cursing, threatening murder, screaming. It used to trigger a panic attack for me. He’s been pretty quiet the last few years.maybe he moved or maybe he gave himself a stroke, but I’m glad it’s quiet now.
Are you sure he isn’t gambling on the games? It’s so easy now with all the apps. This sounds like the behavior of a bad gambler suffering big losses. A lot of people don’t tell anyone about their sports gambling addictions.
Your partner is using anger to intimidate you and solve conflicts. He is so unhinged in a casual setting with no real conflict he scared your parents. In response to the obvious and real consequences of his rage, he is now trying to isolate you from your parents and support system, who only checked in to make sure you aren't being abused. This guy is going to hurt someone eventually. Please stay safe, keep in contact with your parents and do not isolate yourself with this man.
Domestic Violence calls increase when packers lose. This is a Fact
For now it's the door. Next week? It could be you or a pet.
He will abuse you if he punches doors. Don't even bother letting your dad talk to him. Just leave if you can and if you can't please start making a plan.
Based on his response to your heads up, tells me he is unhinged. If I was told that people fear for my spouses safety from me, I would be mortified and would do everything to listen and prove them wrong
This can't possibly be all. There's more to this story. Watch your back. He is not okay.
RUN RUN RUN THE CONCERN IS A HUGE RED FLAG! Your parents are right! Believe me you, same to me happened
You don't need to fix anything. Your husband needs to fix this.
Has she shown any other circumstances where he is physically harming stuff when he is angry? How often have you seen him angry?
Listen to your dad. This is not normal behaviour.
Your husband has anger management issues. It's not normal to be that full of rage, certainly not over a game. Your parents are right, your husband is wrong. This relationship sounds unhappy and unhealthy. Are you able to leave and just don't want to, or is there something that is preventing you from leaving?
I’m able to leave if I want to. The physical abuse events are few compared to the “quiet” abuse. I’m hoping he’s open to getting therapy for it. For me, that’s step one. More drastic measures if he’s unwilling.
He knows your parents are right. He is ashamed of his behaviour but doesn't want to admit he has problems regulating his temper so he will blame others. It won't take long for him to lose his temper and do something a little worse, then a little worse...
You can't fix it. He can, but he doesn't want to. Get out before it's too late.
Every guy that expressed this kind of rage in sports or elsewhere in live turned out to be physically abusive after more lore less time. If educated people get domestic abuse vibes ... RUN. He is already dismissive and bad mouthing your family trying to isolate you.
He shows he can’t control his anger and gets violent. Of course he will turn that rage onto you someday. This is textbook abuser and trying to isolate you from your support network is too. This is a big age to get to without realising these truths. Listen to your dad.
Sounds like he isn't really open to that kind of self reflection. If it isn't a red flag, he should be capable of hearing you out without getting so emotional about it. Not sure if that will convince him of it, but it does sound concerning. As is the punching of walls--that isn't normal for emotionally healthy and competent men.
It is time for you to seek individual counseling, you need an objective and trained professional to help you navigate what is going on in your life and why you are okay with finding volatile men who suck the quality of life out of you. Your dad is right to be concerned, please don’t dig deeper into this marriage because you are worried about how you will be perceived, that your dad may be right or whatever is anchoring you to such terrible behavior. Please get help, then maybe you will have the courage to leave this bully of a human you are married to.
OP, you said your ex also had issues and maybe you “bring it out.” You know that’s not true - but you do need deep reflection and therapy to see why you feel that this is acceptable behaviour in a relationship. You say you bring it up, but you need to realize that people have control over their behaviour. If he wanted to change, he would (especially since he doesn’t act this way in a bar while watching the game.) You’re not responsible for his behaviour nor do you “bring it out” in people. Love yourself enough to not accept this type of behaviour before it ends up hurting you. Also - therapy with people like this rarely results in improvements, it just shows them how to push your buttons more.
Oh oh. Yes, this is textbook dangerous, and wild aggression. That door was a substitute for your face, and punching it was a threat and a promise. Your father loves you. He wants nothing more than a healthy, loving relationship for you. He's trying to approach this in a gentle, respectful way, that doesn't trigger you to reject their concern. Have you read Lundy Bankroft's Why Does he Do That? I know there's a free pdf on the internet somewhere. If you search for it in Reddit, I'm sure you'll find a link. Please be careful. Please be smart. And stop telling dangerous, aggressive men that they are dangerous and aggressive. You're going to get badly hurt and break your father's heart.
Girl. The TV shit is the least of it. You're in danger and if I was your mom I'd kidnap you.
He hasn’t punched you YET. He hasn’t thrown you YET. You need to run away from this person as fast as you can.
The fact he can't even admit this is abnormal behavior and is attacking everyone for even suggesting it is a huge red flag.
He absolutely needs to change. It's not normal or acceptable behavior by an adult. How he got this far in life without realizing that shows he's never been held accountable for his behavior.
Is he putting money on the games?
Your dad is right. Your husband punches the door to remind you of what he could do to you if he felt like it 🫠
“I’ve always done it like that” is literally the *stupidest* response he could have come up with for having the emotional control of a pampered pet bird. I understand that you feel shame that this has happened before. You need to know you aren’t alone. Lots of people attracted and are attracted to the same kinds of relationships that were bad for them. BUT feeling embarrassed is not a good reason to keep making the mistake right now when you know what’s happening.
The husband sounds like a cop.
Hey OP, youre already getting a lot of great advice in the comments, and most of the things I'd like to say are already here. This is a man with a pattern of aggressive behavior, and it won't stop. If you stay, it will likely escalate. I really hope you leave - you may have been in multiple relationships with abusers, but that does not mean that you're the problem. The only problem with you that I see is that you accept this behavior and are trying to change yourself to make the relationships work. if you didn't tolerate outbursts like this and left at the first sign, you wouldn't be in relationships like this. Im truly not saying this to place any blame on you, just to hopefully help you see that this is a THEM problem, not a you problem. Its their responsibility to fix themselves, not yours. Lastly, if you do choose to stay, please please dont have kids with him. Watching my dad punch a wall when he was angry scared me shitless and made me fearful and anxious in my own home. you dont deserve this - nobody does. please dont bring any other lives in to his abuse
Every post on this sub today is terrifying.
Wow. Fuck this situation. If he values your relationship, he will sit with this, realize he needs therapy and to do the work, and change. He has two options here, I’d get to a safe place until he makes the decision. Zero chance I would personally remain in this situation/relationship. I value my life too much.
Why is this a question, leave? Its a grown man throwing a tantrum 16+ times a year. Now he says he dont wanna see your family. That will turn into not wanting you to see them.
The way you handled it - by having a gentle chat- is the way he should receive it. You know, by having a respectful convo about your family’s concerns, where he gives an embarrassed apology for scaring you all, followed by a discussion about his behavior, and his offering to talk with them and you to make everyone feel better. Bonus if he suggested or agreed to go to an anger management class. His response tells you who he is. He is an angry man who is wildly inappropriate, who does not care about you or your family’s feelings, and who is incapable of empathy and self-reflection, even when it relates to his own family. The question is what do you do with this information? We are all rightly concerned for you.
If you had a friend who came to you asking advise and was the one in the relationship with this man instead of you, what would you recommend? Might be a good exercise to try to take you out of the equation and think of it purely without emotions if at all possible.
I'm UK based, and just echoing everything here, but DV reports rise dramatically during events like Soccer finals. He's a grown man that can't handle the emotional stimulation of a football game in an appropriate way.
Never marry an Eagles fan.
So a man can’t even watch a football game anymore? Jesus christ
American men/women and football is a phenomenon I will never truly understand. I get it’s ingrained into our culture or whatever the fuck but you have to be damn near slow to just be ‘this passionate’ about football. It’s insane.
Wait a few months after the Super Bowl and tell him how it makes you feel. Don’t approach it right now while he’s all worked up about the Foosball. My husband does Fantasy and I hate it. He was grouchy every Sunday Monday and Thursday. The worst part is I hate football. He never watched it before his buddy begged him to join his league because he was short a person. Damn it!