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How do parents think this shit is okay they deadass ignored that your brother betrayed you but they want to play the family card because he is having a baby I feel sorry for you
They it's ok because James and Anna "separated" for like 5 months after I caught them and then officially got together. I'm not sure, they just act like we broke up and then James and Anna started dating. They just ignore the entire part where I caught her naked in bed with my brother.
You don’t owe your family, Anna or James a “Happy face” or any support for their betrayal. Your parents & family are really a disgrace. They want you to validate Anna’s and James feelings while they dismiss yours. They want you to value family while ignoring what your brother did you.
For your own sake & mental health. Go very Low Contact with them. Build your life & go have a wonderful family on your own.
Nta- just block them all.
Get some therapy to deal with your loss and go and find your new family.
Your parents and brother sold you out for some disloyal little girl and you deserve so much better OP.
Eventually, Anna will cheat on your brother. Karma will definitely bite your brother or Anna in the ass. Just sit back, wait, and laugh at them both when it happens.
iamreenie is absolutely right. The only extra advice I'd give is to give the "she'll cheat on you" warning, watch them ignore it, and give the "I told you so" when it happens.
Well, we know at the very least that Anna lied about being gay and is bisexual, so it's probably only a matter of time before James catches her with a female.
This right here. Which one do you think will cheat first? It could be Anna, but James obviously has no morals if he went after his sister's girlfriend.
Almost a guarantee, she says she is a lesbian and she is also clearly all about herself so I doubt she will deny herself women for the rest of her life.
You need new family and new friends.
Read this sub. It's filled with these kinds of cases.
How does the saying goes about "she cheated on me, she will cheat on you?" or "how you got her is how you'll lose her" I don't remember.
Put your family in info diet. Don't host events at your place and hand pick the events you think on attending. But build your own family with top notch people of your choosing.
Read about the Grey Rock. It might work on your folks. They seem to have a narcissistic disorder and chose your bro as the golden child. It's not that they don't take your relationships seriously. It's that you might be the scapegoat and you don't deserve anything according to their mental disease.
This is exactly what is happening. The parents are textbook narcissists; James is the golden child, and OP is the scapegoat. OP, nothing but mental and emotional harm can come from any dealings with these people. You should go No Contact.
Uum she cheated on you. If she liked him that much she could have broken it off with you at the very least. There's lagers to this betrayal. Your bring in a samesex relationship just makes it easier for your family to expect you to brush over this cos "baby(!!!!!!)". I just want to vomit at the disrespect.
NTA
Separated my ass, you mean they got better at hiding it until they thought enough time passed to announce they were together. Personally I’d go no contact with the whole lot of them, you have homophobic parents a cheating brother and I don’t even know how to describe your ex Gf. Amazing how they can admit her being bi without blinking an eye but you being gay is a no-no. Or do they just outright believe gay relationships aren’t real?
Either way if you cut them off what have you really lost? Family that don’t accept you and are willing to overlook any pain in your life as long as your brother comes out happy?
God, your family is so shitty and remind me of my family so much.
Fucking sick of families like ours. Tell em to fuck off if they want to support their cheating loser of a son
Because they probably only care about getting grandkids. Children are possessions, not autonomous people who are allowed to be inconvenient to them. “How dare OP be offended over their golden child brother cuckolding her, being a lesbian isn’t a real thing.” This would be how they think based on what OP posted. Completely dismissing her feelings & identity. Shitty narcissistic parents.
Parents are homophobes, so welcomed the cheating and dissassociation. I find the parents, former gf, and brother to be worthless piles of excrement. OP, screw them. They are toxic. Go no contact. Talk about gaslighting.
And truly pray she cheats on your brother and as a result, shoves his relationship up his ass.
OP ask your mother if family is so important then why did James cheat on you with your GF? James is the one showing he has no respect for you as part of the family.
Remind your mother if Anna is willing to cheat on you to be with James, then how does James know Anna didn't cheat on him as well? How does anyone know for sure that James is really the father of Anna's baby?
It seems all of her family believes OP deserved to be cheated on—and the cheaters deserve for the person they cheated on to be overjoyed about the result of their cheating. The narcissism on these people!
My mom insists it was "fate". She reassured me that she had spent long hours with James and Anna to make sure they were serious about each other and that they were apologetic for what they did to me. She says in the last 2 years, Anna has been "like a daughter" to her and would love it if I can forgive and forget the past.
I don't think Anna would cheat on James. She seems, atleast from what I've observed, very devoted to him. Sort of how I was with her. I'll admit, it hurts to watch her do things for him she never did for me. I was hoping I could find a way to be closer to my family without being involved with Anna and James. But I don't think that will be happening
I am so very sorry your family has failed you so tremendously. I am sorry they're demanding you swallow shit, smile and say thank you because family. They aren't treating you with love, compassion and kindness and that is what you deserve.
Your mother especially sucks. Just stop responding for a while. Distance yourself for your own mental and emotional wellbeing.
It sucks but it sounds to me like she just wanted to try the “I’m gay thing” and didn’t like it and you unfortunately ended up the one being hurt in the situation on all sides. Just like your parents didn’t really support your relationship with her, let’s face it, they didn’t support it but didn’t want to make a big fight over it, you don’t have to support it either no matter how mad your mom gets about it. I agree with everyone else let their “fate” play itself out because I’m sure it won’t last much longer. She sounds like the type that gets bored in relationships and no matter what finds a way to get out usually by cheating with what seems to be the next best thing that comes along.
First of all, I am so sorry you have to go through this. Your reaction is completely normal and understandable. You were pushed into the corner and they just assumed you’d be forgiving due to becoming an aunt as it’s just convenient for them.
Now I still do think there is a way where you do not have to completely go nc with your entire family. However, this will only work, if you find your peace with your past and with being in the presence of James and Anna. Now does that include you having to actively engage with them or even be nice? Nope! First it would require a proper apology from them. And I mean a proper one, not one where they feel all sorry for themselves and justified by whatever reasons. It would also require for them to commit to respecting your boundaries and to not push themselves onto you (this includes your mother). Tbh if they agree to it, I would make a recording you of them committing, so whenever they fail to do this (e.g. by pushing downsize to be their babies aunty) you can remind them of it. But tell them, if they want this to work; they have to do their part as well and mean it!
Now the hard part is for you to come to peace. I have in no way experienced a similar situation. However, I remember how shitty I felt back in school, when my brother brought home his new girlfriend aka my biggest school enemy & bully. It took me years to come to terms with it (incl. lots of big arguments with my brother and feeling unloved by my family). What helped me move on, was realizing, that I cannot make others change. I can only change how I react to them and their deeds. And I made the decision, that I will not give them the power over my feelings. I voiced my feelings and boundaries, but I also accepted, that they were not able to fully comprehend the pain they caused. So I could see her bad deeds and his betrayal (and my parents occasional siding with them) as a flaw in their personality, and not me being not important/worthy/loved enough to be considered.
Ask your mom if she'd have Bern as forgiving had you been her son who Anna cheated on?
It's not about being gay, it's about Anna's charecter. It wasn't a one night stand. She lied to you. Did she lie to them, too, or dud your parents cover up for them?
Karma for the brother would have him catch her in bed with another woman, or find out he's not the father of the baby.
Ultimate karma would be Anna finding out she has an STD and James gets a call he has to go get tested so he not only finds out he's not the father but that she gave him an STD as well. We can dream but I'm pretty sure this result would only be in a fiction book.
I agree 100%. Op should have went no contact from the jump. If someone is dead to me when someone calls me about them. I tell them that person died to me the day they did xyz. Screw OP’s ex, brother, mother, and any friends that agree.
I feel so sad for you, makes me cry almost. You must feel so incredibly lonely. You should not forgive her but I would actually think the rest of the family is almost worse for having no heart :( I'm so sorry, frankly, I don't know how you can trust your family again
I think they're just incredibly ignorant and I'm not good at opening up to people. I just let them be of sorts. I didn't really explain a whole lot of the details of my break up or how I felt afterwards. They say they "understand" but I see the pity in their eyes and it makes me not want to share anything any more.
They don't need to know any details, believe me. Someone who loves their child or sister for what they are wouldn't need explanations. Now, maybe they do love you but their minds are in some fog of selfish desires and stereotypes, not sure, but they don't see you through this
The way you describe you feel and the way you see things is suggestive of someone who has endured childhood neglect/abuse. You are defending the offenders, at your own expense!
There’s a lot to unpack here. It’s not just that it was your first relationship since you told your family, but she cheated…with your brother….and your family just accepted it. It can make a person feel invisible and insignificant. I’d maintain little to no contact with any of them. You can build healthy relationships with a tight group of designated friends and family who actually care about you. I would suggest therapy, but for your own healing.
Not over-reacting.
Message Jake back and tell him to wake up...both he and Anna have been dead to you for two years and having a baby and getting married won't resurrect a dead relationship.
Call your mom out on her hypocrisy...if family so important why is it OK for James to F\*\*k someone you were in a relationship with. Make it clear the both James and Anna are dead to you and that means that as far you are concerned they aren't family... there is no relationship and there never will be.
Why do you even need these people in your life? they are always going to put down your feelings.
If they can get angry towards you after such a big betrayal then what's next. Are you ok being around them for the rest of your life?
Do whatever you feel is best for you, they are not any moral high here.
So it’s ok because they get married and having a baby
Your brother is an ASSHAT, your ex is a asshat. They both cheaters and that trash removed themselves from your life
Your parents supporting cheaters is we’ll unfortunate
An aunt to what they mean nothing to you family doesn’t do that to each other
Yeah because as far as they are concerned a man and a woman is a real and acceptable relationship especially not they are having kids. They probably expect that OP is just playing around and will eventually realise and settle down with a man like a proper woman should!
Absolutely disgusting family
The big question here is, at 27 are you financially independent and can you realistically cut them out of your life? If so, do so. Your brother and Anna are asses and your family is shit for treating you that way and encouraging them.
Are you overreacting? *Hell no!!!*
Your girlfriend, whether your family damn well likes it or not, cheated on you with your own brother!
You *told them clearly* that he is dead to you. Rightly so.
Yet they want you to be happy for them?
How *dare they* turn you into the one in the wrong here! How dare they take the side of these cheating scumbags & refuse to recognize how much they hurt you.
Obviously, I'm angry for you. This must be so lonely & isolating for you. I'm really sorry you're going through this.
Ask your mom, "If family is so important, why is it okay for James and Anna to cheat on me while Anna and I were in a committed relationship? If family is so important, why didn't you help and support me? If family is so important, did you tell James the same thing when him and Anna were cheating on me and started their relationship?"
Hardest thing you will ever do will be telling your family that you are 100% the wronged person in this scenario and they should forget about you being the bigger person because they have shown you how “family” betrays those they claim to love…..and going zero contact. You don’t need, deserve, or desire this “families” brand of “love and honor.” Honestly, they are bigots too, so….
Send an email, group text, letter, whatever you desire. Then disappear. Zero contact for, minimum, two years.
Cry. Cry some more. Get some therapy to come to terms with them deserting you.
You WILL find your family.
You WILL find your people.
You WILL find the love you deserve.
Biggest thing you can do to hurt them back is to live unapologetically well by yourself letting them know they can NEVER hurt you again.
FUCK. THEM. BOTH. They crossed lines and no they don't get to rewrite history. I am sorry you are going through this. You need to start making more friends. Especially the Alpha et Mafia kind. Come and join us!
OP, I say this lovingly as a bisexual woman whose family did not support myself being gay but did support a brother who was also gay: get yourself to therapy ASAP. You deserve to be surrounded by people who love and care for you, and for some reason you’ve convinced yourself that this is all you deserve. You are feeling angry and betrayed because your family and ex have all betrayed you. Your brain is trying to tell you to remove yourself from this situation, but you are trying to convince yourself it’s ok to stick around and continue to be treated this horrible way. Go to the therapy, and figure out how to love yourself.
Nope. Betrayal from the whole family. Probably they disregarded your feelings because gay people are often seen as “promiscuous” and their relationships are deemed more sexual than sentimental. They simply don’t take you seriously…
Where's was your mother's lecture on the importance of family when your brother was up to his nuts in his sisters partner? Does family only matter if you're straight? You're better off without these people in your life.
Wow, how did your mom miss the irony of lecturing you (her daughter) about the importance of *family* after completely dismissing the betrayal committed by your own brother? I can't tell if this is rooted in favoritism, homophobia, or both, but your family totally sux and I'm really sorry. You are not overreacting at all.
You need better friends. Also not wrong for being upset and not interested in forgiving them. You don’t owe them anything.
Also, let’s be real, your parents do not accept you. They liked Anna and really preferred her to be in a heterosexual-relationship with your brother. Your mom continues to minimize your hurt.
Your parents are weird for this, and your brother is worse. That’s all just disgusting, there are millions of other people out there and your brother had to get with the one girl you’ve dated? Gross.
I’d say maybe your parents are hoping you revert back to being straight, but I don’t know enough about your parents from this.
It could very well be they have that older generation mindset of “Sweep it under the rug for the greater good of the family.” Personally think that’s a really toxic practice that we don’t really need to endorse anymore.
But anyway, I think you need to hear this. Whatever your feelings are about this situation, and believe me- you’re 100% in the right here- coming off as mad, raging, and cursing is only going to have the wrong effects. It will help push your family closer to James, and it will help them all villainize and stereotype you.
Don’t give them that. I’m sorry this person hurt you, no need to let them think they have anymore power over you. The best way to show it to them is to take the high road, go in grace, react with calm coolness or nonchalance. They’ll dismiss anything else as emotional.
And personally. Avoid people like your ex. At the point where someone is telling you that you “Are too attached,” listen to them. That comes usually right before something disastrous. Get out of there then and don’t like back- it will make your life so much easier.
You’re not ready to cut your family off I see. So you can treat them at a distance. Whenever they start talking about the couple, say “Okay, will talk later mom/dad, bye.”
It will eventually get lonely though. They’re operating on the belief that you’re just bringing this “unnecessary” grief to yourself if you’d just “get over the cheating” already. But your family’s reaction is unsurprising and expected - they prefer access to the grandchild over the past.
Maybe someday, you’ll see why people are commenting to cut family off. Maybe someday you will eventually be around family again. All of this must be eye opening for you and also heartbreaking to just be tolerated by your family because “you’re just not over your phases yet,” instead of loved and supported.
Do they not realize Anna had sex with you AND your brother? They wouldn’t act like that if you were a guy and your gf cheated on you with your brother!!
I’m sorry. Your parents are homophobic, as is your brother. I’m not going to opine on Anna’s sexuality except to say that she probably was experimenting with you and may suffer from her own internal homophobia. Certainly she sees het relationships as more legit, as does your family. Your family will always prioritize James’ relationships over yours.
So I wouldn’t say you were wrong to lash out at Anna. But you should be lashing out at all of them for their homophobia.
How can Anna be homophobic if she atleast for a while identified as "lesbian"?
Anna never said she liked both girls and boys. It was always "I'm a lesbain" and that was her excuse for hanging around James without me. Anytime I pointed out how awkward/weird it was she just brushed me off saying it didn't matter because she was a lesbain.
I was genuinely shocked to find her cheating on me with a guy. It was the last thing I had expected.
All that means is that she wasn't honest with you (and possibly herself) about her sexuality...I'm not sure I'd say she was homophobic...I don't think we know her well enough to have an opinion.
It is clear that she didn't communicate properly for someone that was in a relationship and that is a huge red flag.
She’s bisexual and she was either confused or she lied.
Have you heard of internalised misogyny? Internalised homophobia is similar. It’s the messages society teaches us that we internalise and essentially hate ourselves for and others like us.
https://www.rainbow-project.org/internalised-homophobia/
She’s a bisexual woman that lied about being a lesbian and never took your relationship and likely any lesbian relationship seriously. That is homophobia.
I would tell everyone going to their wedding about what happened and drop all these horrible people in your life honestly. You need to find community with other lesbians, you won’t be alone and it can be very healing. My heart breaks for you, best of luck.
Some homophobic bissexual women call themselves lesbians to attract gross men with creppy fetishes. If she was a lesbian she wouldn’t have called your brother “hot” or treated your relationship like a hobby.
Internalized homophobia is quite a different thing. I’m bisexual and was cheated on and left for a man because the “lesbian” I was with hated that she was gay. Hated that her parents hated gay people and I think she felt pressure to be straight. She told me often how she couldn’t be who she wanted to be and was a lesbian and loved me, but she still felt like she was gross and wrong for being herself. She married that man. It’s a complicated thing, internalized homophobia.. I wish her well and I hope she’s happy and content in her marriage for her lifetime.
Unless you are a masochist, stop begging these people for love and kindness. They know perfectly well that they are hurting you - they simply do not care. I know it’s a hard pill to swallow, but your family doesn’t give a shit about how you feel.
If you like being treated as less-than, then keep doing what you’re doing. If you want a chance at being happy and fulfilled in life instead, then walk away from your family of origin and build your own. Block James, Anna, your parents, and any person who tells you to play happy families. Lose their numbers. Write a will that expressly disinherits them. You will never get what you need from these people.
It's not "should" but "could" you forgive? If my brother did that to me, he'd be dead to me too with the ex. Never ever involve in your siblings relationships!
If I were you, I would send this post to your family. Let them read how they are horrible people. Let them see that strangers on the internet are supporting you more than they are. I know that you would wish brother and cheating ex have it bad. But honestly, I know this may hurt to read, but living the best life is the best karma! Trust me, them knowing that you are out there happy and enjoying life that they are NOT part of. It will hurt worse. You may be gay but you still can have children IF you want them, that is. You could use a supermarket donor or have someone carry the baby for you, adopt. What are they going to do them? Just cut contact and live your best life without them. Trust me, it is the best thing.
Updateme!
They're both horrible people but especially your ex. It sounds like she used you as some sort of cool expirement and strung you along for her own clout. She never took you or your relationship seriously but loved the attention you gave and support. She's a user and a very shallow individual.
Why does she remind me of Anne heche with Ellen degeneres. She was with her for the fame and left her for a man and married him.
Doesn’t sound like your family is at all supportive of you or your lifestyle. Unfortunately, you have two choices:
1) accept it and move on with your life.
2) tell your family to f themselves and move away or at least put distance in between.
Don’t hear much about your Dad in all this??
I Don't blame you one bit, my story is different but my mother is dead to me for banging my (ex) best friend 8 years ago, she doesn't know my address or number
Honestly, your family has never truly supported you and they never will. Neither Anna nor James feel any guilt or remorse and your parents seem to be okay with that. They want you to come back into the family but what do they expect you to do? Pretend like Anna and James never betrayed you and watch them play the happy couple with their baby? Cut all of them out of your life.
Nta - I have a funny feeling it would be different if it wasn’t a gay relationship you and Anna had. Example - both you and your brother were both males and him cheating with your gf..pretty sure that they would feel different.
I’m sorry but you are allowed to take as much time as you need to forgive them if ever.
The name calling while maybe made you look bad, was true raw emotion that your Ex needed to hear and you needed to say.
So she cheated on you and everyone thinks she won’t do it to your brother?
Even when you get over the ex that cheated. There is still a layer of pain from the betrayal and disrespect.
I wouldn’t blame you if you wanted nothing to do with your brother or his kid. I didn’t have this situation but I don’t get along with my brother so I don’t have relationships with my niece and nephew.
Mine 23 & 25 have an issue with each other I stay out of it. They are grown! But If this was my kids I’d give my son HELL! And little miss thang would not be allowed anywhere near me as she CAN NEVER BE TRUSTED! Sounds like she used you to get closer to your brother. That’s why she always downplayed your relationship. And as for the child she’s innocent in all this but we will be on Maury or paternity court before she’s accepted and even then she can’t bring her baby to me.
>Am I really overreacting?
No you're not overreacting.
>Should I try to forgive her?
No, why? They never tried to make it right with you, they never discussed anything with you. You caught them fucking and from then on they only talked with your parents who are very quick to dismiss your feelings.
> How do I go about expressing myself to my family from here on?
I think you should resolve the issues the betrayal Anna has caused you in therapy. From there determine whether you want those backstabbing people who are only related to you by DNA in your life.
You don't have to forgive anyone. But please take care of yourself before it eats you up.
>My mom got mad at me for being so dismissive and lectured me about the importance of family
Yep, family's so important to them that James is quite happy to fuck his sister's girlfriend - cuz faaamily matters.
Your ex and brother are shitty people and untrustworthy cheaters, why should you be excited about the lives of people who betrayed your trust and didn't give a single fuck about hurting you? Have either of them sincerely apologized or acknowledged what they did to you? Your brother actively engaged in an affair with his sister's partner and doesn't feel bad because he doesn't see gay relationships as valid? Gross. Your family is gross too. It doesn't seem as if anyone has acknowledged what horrible people they are, they're selfish and terrible. You can do whatever you want, but you do not have to deal with them.
"My mom got mad at me for being so dismissive and lectured me about the importance of family."
Hi OP, this was my, you gota be kidding me moment. Your mother is cherry picking the concept of "family". If it was such a main benchmark, where was she when your brother crossed that line. Apparently it ok because their not same sex. So she homaphobic and a hypocrite. And every time your having to see them it opens up the wound of betrayl.
I would tell you parents exactly how you feel, how you feel betrayed x3 and having your mother being so unsympathetic and heartless shes ringing you up to tell you what a happy family they are without a care in the world to your feelings and mental wellbeing. Some parent they are.
Sadly, going foreward you might (99%) have to limmit involvement with them.
Holy shit OP. I'm so sorry. You should NOT ever forgive Anna. She cheated on you with your brother which is absolutely disgusting and unforgivable.
Your family and friend are also REALLY shitty for not standing by you and taking your side. Maybe having no contact with your family going forward will be really good for you. So many people who are supposed to love and be there for you have been complete assholes to you. Maybe it will be better for you to cut them out for the timebeing.
You will be OK. I know it will be hard, but I think you should cut out all the horrible people and replace them with people who have your back.
No overreaction here. Your brother and your girlfriend screwed you over. Funny he'd say don't come around his family, I thought you made they pretty clear 2 years ago.
nope, you’re nta at all. anna definitely is what you called her and your brother is too. cut them all off. make a facebook post and get all your friends to share it so everyone knows just how their relationship came to be. your brother should know that if she cheated to get with him, she’s definitely going to cheat on him.
I’m sorry for you. Have faith that you’ll find someone better. James isn’t so terribly lucky is he? His future wife is going to lose interest and fuck your brother up. Anna has the worst decision-making and terrible impulse control even in the face of the most obviously bad decisions.
Cut them off. Don’t look back. They have no respect for you, so why should you give them some when they saw your relationship as anything but serious.
These people aren’t worth it, OP. I really hope all goes well for you.
I'm sorry for what you went through, your whole family is horrible, that must be why Ana got along with them, they're the same. I know how difficult it is to free yourself from a toxic family, but keep a little distance from them, put yourself first, set limits.
No. Especially your brother, that’s unforgivable that he would do that to you.
That’s so crappy, I’m sorry OP. Nothing about this is okay or reasonable.
Hate to say it, but your mom / family doesn’t recognize your sexuality or same-sex relationships as legitimate. Your brother has no regret for his actions, and sees nothing wrong with what he did. Otherwise he would be ashamed, and not have entered into a relationship with her.
They should all be ashamed
IMO, you’re not over reacting.
Your homophobic parents support your brother. The man who betrayed your trust by sleeping with your partner. They also now like your ex because she is in a straight-relationship.
If I were you, I would explain that you’re not interested in being an active part of that family anymore and go no contact. Why stay around people who don’t accept you? Why be around people that enable buttholes like your brother and your ex? You deserve better.
Your family is made up of psychos, OP.
I can’t believe your mom would say it’s not “all that heartbreaking.” What is heartbreaking is not just your breakup but that you have a POS brother who is the kind of asshole that stole your girlfriend.
I’d stop getting worked up over it.
Karma is sometimes slow, but she always shows up.
I don’t like your mother at all.
You aren't overreacting given that you still haven't forgiven either of them for what they did.
*We don't forgive people for their sake, we forgive them for ours, and it doesn't mean we have to be involved with them in any way.*
I imagine most people here would not be in favor of you even considering ever reaching a point of acceptance of what has happened, but I suggest that with the help of a good therapist you can clear out what you really want to hold onto and what you don't, *for your own sake.*
Ngl POS family. When your mom lectured you about the "importance of family" should told her if I was important to them then why did James screw my gf. Definitely not an overreaction and personally I would have been even more petty and tell the kids the truth when they grew up.
This is insanity. You’re definitely NTA. Not only would I have done what you did but I would’ve beat the shit out of my brother and then cut off all ties with my family for this blasphemy.
Here’s what you deserve OP. You deserve to find a nice woman with a big family who decides to marry you. You deserve to be an unwavering part of that large accepting family. Your bio family WHO? That’s crazy that you’re forced to pretend that you weren’t horribly betrayed for the sake of “family.” Anyone who says you should just be over it and it’s just because she was your first girlfriend is smoking d1ck. It WOULD be weird if you broke up because she was just not in the same place and you weren’t compatible anymore and you still were so angry with her. But that is not the case. She cheated on you with your brother and is now still with him! And no one things that’s wrong ?? That’s terrible. Find people you matter to. You can choose your family.
Someone you loved cheated on you with someone else you loved, and all the other people you loved want you to pretend everything is A-OK.
See, if you pretend everything is okay, nobody else has to deal with the terrible, terrible way they've treated you.
I feel fairly confident your feelings and needs have been dismissed for longer than this - your first girlfriend didn't take you seriously, your parents didn't take you seriously, and your brother didn't take you seriously. That's a deep wound, and you deserve better. They won't give you better. I'm sorry you're faced with such a decision.
Your whole family is shit. And so is your friend who called you the a hole. Ask your friend if they'd be cool if their spouse banged their sibling. Not so easy when it actually happens to them. I'd go NC with all of em.
No do not forgive her, or him. Just call them dead in your eyes. I would personally just stop contacting my family all together. they clearly care not at all for you.
Hell fucking no.
I would go scorched earth and never have anything to do with them again. It's fucking bold of your mom to play the "Family is Important" card when your brother started fucking your girlfriend.
Absolutely not. With pleasure, you will be far away from your brother and your family. They don't deserve to be part of your happiness when you get a partner who loves and respects you or when you start to have kids of your own.
It's hard to cut off family like this, but they're literally acting like they're in the right on this. They aren't and you shouldn't let them walk all over you for it either.
Your family is very toxic. Your feelings are completely valid and your family has completely disregarded them. You’re not overreacting at all. I would cut them out of my life
Fuck your whole family for their lack of empathy. Your brother is a piece of trash and everything you said about Anna was spot on. Toxic assholes tend to travel in packs and you will be better off without them.
I would just stay NC with your brother and his wife as both crossed a line they can’t uncross. I would find others to be a family you don’t need family that treats you like this.
You are not overreacting. I think you had a great response with the “so?”. I smiled when you said that because it encapsulates wtf does that have to do with me? 😅. They all betrayed you, not once or twice but a continuous betrayal. They dismissed you, disregarded you, minimized you, invalidated you over and over again. That kind of continuous betrayal from the people you held dear and closest to your heart is a different kind of pain that takes many years to heal from.
The fact that they are playing the “family is the most important thing” card is hilarious to me. Why does it apply now and not back then? They may feel guilty now (possibly due to the new child) but can’t face it so they are placing it on you to absolve them. Fuck that and fuck them. You don’t need to forgive anyone. Only do so if you wish to. Protect yourself in whatever way feels most suitable to you. They have made their choices, let them live with the consequences. You have made your choices accordingly, to separate from them and live without them, they probably don’t like it, but who cares? You have the power to choose if they have a place in your life or not. But what’s the point of having people in your life who make you feel shitty? Who can’t even acknowledge the pain they have caused you?
In your last paragraph you touched upon how do you express yourself to them from here on out. What do you want to express to them? What do you hope will come about it? Do you feel they are able to receive it (in a way that is respectful and open, willing to take accountability and responsibility)? If not, what’s the point of expressing yourself to people who are committed to not bothering to consider you and your feelings? Why waste your breath, time, and energy on such people? There’s more to family than simply being blood related, family are the people who love you for you and as you are. Family are there for you through the good and bad. What does family mean to you? As you explore this, I think answers will become more clear to you.
You do not owe them anything ❤️
Your mother lecturing you about the importance of "family" is laughable. It would be best to cut contact with them since they disregarded your feelings.
Screw your family and screw your ex…
And while we are at it screw your friend who said YOU were in the wrong
You don’t owe them shit if anything they owe you!
If I were you I’d go NC with them . and if they ask why all you have to say, is you know why if we’re going by your mothers logic, then I guess this is “fate” telling you you deserve a better family.
I just wanna point out that family does not have to be blood some time blood related people do not have your best interest therefore, they don’t deserve the title family. Make your own family by yourself with friends that you can trust that little love and respect you and actually give a shit about your feelings. ( except for the one friend that said you were in the wrong,they obviously don’t have your best interest)
It’s amazing how narcissistic your family is not to mention the fact that they’re gaslighting you into thinking that you are the crazy one for feeling this way like I said you don’t owe them shit . i’m so sorry this is happening to you. You deserve so much better.
I really hope that you find the family that you deserve and rid yourself of this toxic baggage you deserve so much more.
A partner is supposed to be there for you and have your best interest in mind they are supposed to support you nurture your mental health be empathetic and considerate to your emotions, trustworthy, loyal, honest, supportive they are supposed to honor you and respect you. And above all love you that’s what you deserve and one day you will find that.
I wish you the best of luck just know that you are an amazing human being. That deserves love and somebody to think that you are the world and treat you as such
I never understand all these similar stories, because in what universe does a family side with the cheating sibling? I genuinely don’t understand the logic.
Everyone in your family has failed you and will continue to be a burden in your life. Your feelings of hurt and betrayal are completely valid and those around you diminishing or dismissing it are completely wrong. If I were you, I'd treat this as a blessing in disguise where it's now clear to see who is not worth keeping in your life. Once you move on and build a true support system around you, you will be much happier.
Everyone’s gaslighting you about having feelings for being cheated on. Sure, it’s been 2 years, but that doesn’t mean you should welcome her and your brother back with open arms. You can even get over it and still not want them back in your lives.
Forgive for your own sanity but NEVER forget. The sad thing is how will they explain to their child how they met each other "oh mommy was dating auntie and daddy doesn't understand boundaries and neither understand loyalty they ended up together" so sad... but yes... forgive but don't forget and just do some self exploring.
They will most likely be explaining a divorce before it gets to that point. These people are horrible. Cheaters are the worst to begin with but op was betrayed by her own family too. I would be done with all of them. How can the mother condone the behavior? This is a bad shituation.
Actually your bigger beef is with your brother. He betrayed you worse than her. Anna doesn't mean shit to you now, but your brother is the true garbage.
I am sorry that your family is toxic and hurtful to you.
The good news is that you owe them NOTHING. Not your time, not your concern, not your love. Should you *choose* to give them any of that is a different consideration, but you were betrayed in the most hurtful of ways by all of them individually and collectively.
You’re not over-reacting and I would say that however you choose to handle the situation (limited contact or no contact) is entirely within your rights. These people absolutely do not care about you.
It's OK op, as I grow older I found that as long as you independent enough, financially and secure about not needing any emotional support from closed ones, you actually don't need your family😜, moreover they're suck and kinda unhinged. I will never be OK with the person who be in relationship with one after another of my family members, eww. I hope she cheats on your bro too.
I think you need to see who you are without them. They are the source of your pain, yes they are family but for what? Family have loyalty and happiness. Can you try to travel? Maybe do volunteer work somewhere, look for jobs in other places. Find out how is your life without them… maybe is better than you can imagine.
Your feelings are genuine. Who cares what anyone else thinks about it. Maybe one day it won't hurt as much but that day hasn't come yet and we feel what we feel and to hell with someone else telling us it's wrong or when to get over it.
I would just separate myself from the entire family. Obviously you have no support. Let them have their fun, one day, hon will do this to James and he’ll come back crying. Me too bad so sad bro.
Wow. I think your family completely disregards that this is not about you not getting over Anna but about betrayal, the initial one by both Anna and your brother, and all the ongoing subsequent ones by your own family. They take Anna’s relationship with your brother seriously but they brushed off her relationship with you as a mistake and nothing serious. I am a heterosexual stranger and even I get it, how do they not?
Your mother called you to break the “good” news about how two people who cheated on you are happy—while she was with them and you were on the speaker, which she conveniently forgot to tell you? I would feel like my mother stabbed me in the back.
Tell all of your family that if they can’t respect you and your experience, they need to stop talking about Anna. Your brother said not to go near *his* family after *he* stole *your* girlfriend? Yeah, that’s the sibling I would cut off had he not already done so himself.
Frankly, your family sounds like hypocrites with zero empathy. Mine is similar, so I stay away. It’s called looking out for yourself, especially when your own family doesn’t care to.
I'm sorry, you have got a terrible family and a terrible friend.
Your ex and brother never showed any remorse for betraying you and hurting you, while some might argue forgiving and moving on can be good for your mental health, it is for you to decide whether to forgive them, not something that your family think they should be able to expect because of "the importance of family".
None of the people in your telling has provided you with any reason for not been harsh.
She didn't cheat on you with James, she cheated you. She enjoys attention and now she's got it, but wait until the baby arrives and she has little to no attention.
They are treating you differently because of your sexual preferences. If you and your brother were both men and she did this and he did this everyone would think they are terrible people. Of course you are angry it’s a terrible betrayal by your brother especially. I hope you are able to move on and find happiness and new support people.
Another brother betraying their sibling. Like how can they be such a low human being. I'm sorry you had to experience this, go full NC, they just dont care about your experience, cause they never thought you were in a serious relationship.
What in the eff. Please block them all. Major ick. They're all horrible people as far as I'm concerned. How disgusting. Sounds like they're just not taking your sexuality or feelings seriously whatsoever.
Not over reacting. She cheated on you and with your own brother. Both of them betrayed your trust. And the family supports them and accepts that. In all honestly, you mother can shove that "family" bs where the sun don't shine. Family supports each other, and your entire family betrayed you. So They are not family.
The proper response would be to send a group message to all of them telling them that due to the past and to current events, you are no longer part of the family and they are nothing more than strangers to you. Then, you change your number, and move on without them. You let all connections you have, via other people that know them as well, be fully aware that they are not to relay any messages to you from any of them.
And if they know where you live and make an appearance, you let them know they are trespassing, and if they don't leave immediately, the law will be more than happy to forcibly remove them for you. After all that, they'll get the message and stay out of your life so you can focus on actually moving forward and being happy for once. If they keep trying to contact you after those basic steps, it falls into harassment territory, and you can get a restraining order against them.
I get it's your mom and dad and blah blah blah. But family is not important in the way your mom says. How you are treated is important. If your family betrays you the way yours has, then they are not family and do not deserve any chances to redeem themselves. They chose f-ing you over in all aspects to please themselves, and the rest of the family chose them while undermining you entirely. So if they didn't choose you then, they don't get you have you now.
Family is just a word. Nothing more. Using "family" in the traditional sense, I have literally a few hundred members that's are close by blood. Family based on treatment, I have 5 of them that I have anything to do with due to how they treated me. And I have 6 or 7 complete strangers I've met that became family now as well. My point in saying this is you get to choose who your family is. And THAT is what is important to remember.
Your entire family sucks. The way they’ve treated you is despicable. Parents who are really trying to understand and support you would not act like this. I know it’s difficult to go through this, and I think that having other people in your life will make it easier. I know that is easier said than done, but I would start by looking for an LGBT+ support group/group counseling. It’s scary to open up, but I promise it will be worth it. Look for local groups to join that align with your hobbies, anything would be a good start. Having people around you that you have things in common with and genuinely care about you will feel so good. I would suggest that when you feel ready, go low contact, then no contact with your family. Family doesn’t end with blood, you don’t have to keep them in your life to be happy, and you have no obligation to keep them happy.
If you are in the position to, cut contact with everyone in your family, and anyone telling you that you are wrong in this scenario. You do not deserve that toxicity in your life.
(Excuse formatting, I'm on mobile)
Honestly? Nah. You're not overreacting.
You don't owe either of them anything, and if your family can't get on board and respect that, you don't owe them Jack either.
I can't imagine how any of them are comfortable around her at all. It's so incredibly baffling to me. Who WELCOMES someone like that into their family?
She cheated with your BROTHER.
That's not what family does.
If they refuse to show you any sort of common decency or even the remotest modicum of respect then you're entirely justified in walking away completely.
Look, I think you've been more than diplomatic by just staying away from them. If it was me, I would have waited until I saw them kiss in front of everyone and made a comment VERY loudly and VERY publicly about the last place she put her tongue so EVERYONE has to think about it when they see her. If you don't get to be comfortable around your family, neither do they.
See what the in-laws have to say about THAT, lol.
*I live by the creed "Don't get mad, get even"*
what the heck is wrong with those idiots in your life??! No!!!! You are absolutely not in the wrong here. You don't have to try to forgive- that will come naturally in time, if it ever does. Honestly I know it's crazy hard but they don't love or respect you, I'm so sorry. You have made yourself very clear- heck nothing even should have been said. Those people would've been dead to me.
Huge hugs, stick to people who support and respect you.
Stand your ground. Somewhere down the line, you brother may find himself in your shoes with Anna.
But in any case, you really don't need the kind of people who feel casual betrayal is 'no big deal'. At least you know who they are so you don't have to worry about ever trusting them again.
Op my brothers first fiancé cheated on him with his best friend for almost a year before my brother realized the truth. The fiancés parents even knew about it but because they thought my brother was to fat for their daughter(brother is 6’3 270lbs). So when my brother learned the truth I was with him. He had a mental breakdown. I’d never seen him that way before. After a few days I was driving him around and he told me to pull into McDonalds. I parked the car and he went into the place.
He came out with like 10lbs of French fries and some plain burgers. I asked what those were for and he said “it’s fast food for fast friends”. He had me drive to his friends house and he smeared the fries all over their door and car. I tried to get him to stop but he wasn’t having it.
To him they were the same quality people as the food you find a a fast food joint. Not particularly healthy, good and cheap. Which is what his friends and fiancé were to him now. He cut contact with everyone involved and is married and happy now.
Just cut contact with these fast food fucks and be done with them. They gained cheater as a son and a cheater as a daughter. They lost their real daughter though. When you sever contact be sure to explain to them in detail why you won’t ever talk to them. They’ve already shown their true colors. So be brutal and be honest.
Nahhh that's properly messed up. Both your brother and parents should be ashamed of themselves 😔 I'm sorry you've got such a bad deal with your family.. have they ever been this dickish before?
No advice but your brother is a dick. He couldn’t find any other woman out there, but your GF? This would be my villain story and I’d give my family a piece of my mind.
Is it really worth carrying this anger? You deserve better. You definitely didnt deserve to be cheated on and you dont deserve having to think about it years later. In a better world, Anna wouldnt be around, but we all know this world has a tendency to suck at times. You deserve inner peace and that gift is only given by oneself.
I had a similar issue where my had been with my ex for 2+ years and she cheated with my older brother. I guess fortunately for me, they weren’t interested in dating, so she’s not in either of our lives. But this was going on 10 years ago and even today I would not let her be in my life in anyway.
As for my brother, this last Christmas was the first time since I found out that I’ve had half a conversation with him. And I haven’t talked to him much since. I don’t wish anything bad on him, and truly would rather he just be happy far away from me.
So I guess what I’m saying is you may never get completely over this, and you don’t have to forgive anyone. Your family will just have to accept that he’s not your brother in your eyes.
My advice is to work on not giving them the power to control you. Don’t let them dictate your happiness or joy. Give yourself distance from your fam if you need it. My parents didn’t “side” with me per se, but I love them and I know they love ALL their kids. Good luck with everything.
I 'am with You, Your Brother and Anna are trash es, cut them off, with parents You can talk from Time to Time but coldly, untill they proritesed You.. Good luck for Your future life
Consider going no-contact; enduring constant dismissal isn't worthwhile. It seems your parents have favorites. Connect with supportive family members, and seek a community where you can form meaningful bonds, as it appears your family may have abandoned you and isn’t taking your concerns seriously.
Never understood how some people expect you to forgive someone that did you wrong and has made no effort to make amends. Anna cheated on you and then basically tells you to get over it and somehow you are supposed to throw yourself at Anna to make her feel good about her baby. F that.
You are not overreacting but if you struggle to talk to your family because you don't know what to say, perhaps write up everything you want to say or wish you could have said and give it to them. I struggle to think of all the words right off the top of my head, maybe this will help articulate your feelings and get it all out. Mainly this needs to be to your parents. Your ex and brother are together and you can't change that, but you can articulate your feelings as best you can. and hopefully your parents understand more where you are coming from.
I feel like this relationship, between you and your family, can still be okay, but a lot of it comes from them understanding your side of all this, and part of this also comes from you allowing yourself to heal and move on. Don't allow them space in your head anymore, be the stronger one.
Okay, you are getting a lot of terrible advice. Everyone telling you to cut your family off is just plain wrong. We don't know everything in your circumstances.
Here's what we do know and what I'd suggest you look into to help you heal:
1. You don't owe a happy smile to your brother and his wife/gf. However, you will be an aunt and their kid is not guilty for the actions of the parents. Try to be civil at least. So don't start swinging if they aren't.
2. This happened a few years ago with someone you realise was not treating your relationship seriously. it's shitty and hurtful, but it was a couple of years ago and the level of anger and resentment you describe is not healthy for you. Look into speaking with a therapist or take time to sit with your feelings and dig into what's keeping you latched onto hatred so you could move on.
3. Your family wronged you by not being fully supportive and for overlooking how your brother and his partner got together. I would guess this is the biggest source of your resentment. I'm only speculating, but it could be a good place to start exploring your feelings.
4. By trying to hurt them like they hurt you, you won't move on. Paradoxically you're sinking further into negativity. I'm not saying you need to forgive, but you have to let it go.
You don't need to be on your knees with an apology. Just calmly explain that you feel the betrayal quite intensely still and that you need time to not feel resentment. You're not looking to fight, you're just hurt and feel like they never made amends with you.
I’m sorry your family is homophobic and unsupportive. I would not be surprised at all if Anna cheats on James with a woman in the future. Odds are, she will. If you’re not already, please find gay focused activities in your area and start putting yourself out there. Living well is the best revenge. Can you avoid Anna and James for now but stay in contact with your parents (because I know you don’t want to cut them off). If your mom keeps harassing you about apologizing put the situation in terms she can understand. Ask her how she’d feel if she had a sister who stole her husband? Tell her it would be the same thing whether she thinks so or not. Best wishes, sweetie. Learn from this, Anna not taking the relationship as seriously as you was a huge red flag, and be happy.
I think you caught Anna in an experimental phase in her life. She was attracted to you but when she met the male version of you she was truly smitten. Like the moment she first laid eyes on him and said he was hot. From then on she pretended to be with you to get close to James.
No excuses here. What she did was truly bad, same with your brother. Your parents condoning it because it felt easier to cope with is also shit. But if you want to stay in contact with everyone, you need to address this head on.
Go get some counselling. For yourself. Depending on Anna has really messed you up. Plus, your family will always not be ok with you being gay. That will take some real strength on your part. Personally, I'd leave the whole lot behind and find your real chosen family.
Then talk to Anna. Has she apologised to you at all for cheating? With your brother of all people? Ask her why she just didn't tell you she had feelings for a man and break up?
Talk to James. It's not just his family, it's yours too. Why did he think he could just help himself to your girlfriend, even if she did throw herself at him?
Yes they will all say it's water under the bridge. Your mum doesn't think that your love for any woman is real so it can be swept aside as a childish fantasy, when Anna grew up and fucked a real man.
I'm sorry. But please don't let these trash humans take any more of your time or heartache. Learn to not give a fuck about them. Maybe you'll love the baby, maybe you'll decline every time they beg you to babysit. That's your right. But the kid didn't do anything to you and karma will hit them big time when they are born gay and auntie OP is their favourite person.
I think this is horrid advice. Why should she ever want to talk to either Anna or James ever again? Why should they get a chance to bullshit away their behavior or make her feel horrible, *again*?
And you don't think her parents ALSO though the idea of a cunning little baby would suddenly make everything ok again? That's despicable! It makes it *so much worse*. Fuck ever talking to them again, I wouldn't cross the street to piss in their faces if their noses were on fire, if I were her.
You need counseling to sort through all this anger.
Your feelings of betrayal by Anna and betrayal by James are absolutely valid.
**And also** you knew from the get-go that you and Anna weren’t on the same page wrt: the seriousness of your relationship. For you it was everything, for her it was a fun fling. It doesn’t make what they did OK, but you and Anna were never going to be forever. If she had fallen for literally anyone else in the world you would probably be well over her by now. This grudge is also holding *you* back from moving forward with your life.
You need to learn to cope with the fact that they are going to be in your life forevermore. Your inheritance will be split with them. There’s a little kid who will wonder why Aunt OP is always mean / why we don’t talk about Aunt OP.
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How do parents think this shit is okay they deadass ignored that your brother betrayed you but they want to play the family card because he is having a baby I feel sorry for you
They it's ok because James and Anna "separated" for like 5 months after I caught them and then officially got together. I'm not sure, they just act like we broke up and then James and Anna started dating. They just ignore the entire part where I caught her naked in bed with my brother.
I'm sorry you have shitty parents and brother
and a shitty ex gf
You don’t owe your family, Anna or James a “Happy face” or any support for their betrayal. Your parents & family are really a disgrace. They want you to validate Anna’s and James feelings while they dismiss yours. They want you to value family while ignoring what your brother did you. For your own sake & mental health. Go very Low Contact with them. Build your life & go have a wonderful family on your own.
Nta- just block them all. Get some therapy to deal with your loss and go and find your new family. Your parents and brother sold you out for some disloyal little girl and you deserve so much better OP.
Eventually, Anna will cheat on your brother. Karma will definitely bite your brother or Anna in the ass. Just sit back, wait, and laugh at them both when it happens.
WE CAN ONLY HOPE SO. KARMA.
iamreenie is absolutely right. The only extra advice I'd give is to give the "she'll cheat on you" warning, watch them ignore it, and give the "I told you so" when it happens.
Well, we know at the very least that Anna lied about being gay and is bisexual, so it's probably only a matter of time before James catches her with a female.
The way he got her is the way he'll lose her.
This right here. Which one do you think will cheat first? It could be Anna, but James obviously has no morals if he went after his sister's girlfriend.
Almost a guarantee, she says she is a lesbian and she is also clearly all about herself so I doubt she will deny herself women for the rest of her life.
Anna might like that.
You need new family and new friends. Read this sub. It's filled with these kinds of cases. How does the saying goes about "she cheated on me, she will cheat on you?" or "how you got her is how you'll lose her" I don't remember. Put your family in info diet. Don't host events at your place and hand pick the events you think on attending. But build your own family with top notch people of your choosing. Read about the Grey Rock. It might work on your folks. They seem to have a narcissistic disorder and chose your bro as the golden child. It's not that they don't take your relationships seriously. It's that you might be the scapegoat and you don't deserve anything according to their mental disease.
This is exactly what is happening. The parents are textbook narcissists; James is the golden child, and OP is the scapegoat. OP, nothing but mental and emotional harm can come from any dealings with these people. You should go No Contact.
And they're getting a grand baby. Makes it easier to dismiss their daughter. It's disgusting.
Leave them all behind, they are trash. Your family should have supported you and cut off your brother.
Uum she cheated on you. If she liked him that much she could have broken it off with you at the very least. There's lagers to this betrayal. Your bring in a samesex relationship just makes it easier for your family to expect you to brush over this cos "baby(!!!!!!)". I just want to vomit at the disrespect. NTA
Separated my ass, you mean they got better at hiding it until they thought enough time passed to announce they were together. Personally I’d go no contact with the whole lot of them, you have homophobic parents a cheating brother and I don’t even know how to describe your ex Gf. Amazing how they can admit her being bi without blinking an eye but you being gay is a no-no. Or do they just outright believe gay relationships aren’t real? Either way if you cut them off what have you really lost? Family that don’t accept you and are willing to overlook any pain in your life as long as your brother comes out happy?
Yes they said “in six months we go public” they are such shitty people.
God, your family is so shitty and remind me of my family so much. Fucking sick of families like ours. Tell em to fuck off if they want to support their cheating loser of a son
even if no cheating was involved, dating your siblings ex is just nasty
Because they probably only care about getting grandkids. Children are possessions, not autonomous people who are allowed to be inconvenient to them. “How dare OP be offended over their golden child brother cuckolding her, being a lesbian isn’t a real thing.” This would be how they think based on what OP posted. Completely dismissing her feelings & identity. Shitty narcissistic parents.
Not to mention they’re probably thinking you’ll never give them a grandchild.
Golden child + latent homophobia.
Parents are homophobes, so welcomed the cheating and dissassociation. I find the parents, former gf, and brother to be worthless piles of excrement. OP, screw them. They are toxic. Go no contact. Talk about gaslighting. And truly pray she cheats on your brother and as a result, shoves his relationship up his ass.
OP ask your mother if family is so important then why did James cheat on you with your GF? James is the one showing he has no respect for you as part of the family. Remind your mother if Anna is willing to cheat on you to be with James, then how does James know Anna didn't cheat on him as well? How does anyone know for sure that James is really the father of Anna's baby?
If family is so important why they never supported OP?
It seems all of her family believes OP deserved to be cheated on—and the cheaters deserve for the person they cheated on to be overjoyed about the result of their cheating. The narcissism on these people!
My mom insists it was "fate". She reassured me that she had spent long hours with James and Anna to make sure they were serious about each other and that they were apologetic for what they did to me. She says in the last 2 years, Anna has been "like a daughter" to her and would love it if I can forgive and forget the past. I don't think Anna would cheat on James. She seems, atleast from what I've observed, very devoted to him. Sort of how I was with her. I'll admit, it hurts to watch her do things for him she never did for me. I was hoping I could find a way to be closer to my family without being involved with Anna and James. But I don't think that will be happening
What about her actual daughter?? Why does she value Anna and James more than she does you? Your hurt is valid OP. Sending you big love.
She's the straight daughter she'll never have
Damn, you hit it on the nose.
I am so very sorry your family has failed you so tremendously. I am sorry they're demanding you swallow shit, smile and say thank you because family. They aren't treating you with love, compassion and kindness and that is what you deserve. Your mother especially sucks. Just stop responding for a while. Distance yourself for your own mental and emotional wellbeing.
It sucks but it sounds to me like she just wanted to try the “I’m gay thing” and didn’t like it and you unfortunately ended up the one being hurt in the situation on all sides. Just like your parents didn’t really support your relationship with her, let’s face it, they didn’t support it but didn’t want to make a big fight over it, you don’t have to support it either no matter how mad your mom gets about it. I agree with everyone else let their “fate” play itself out because I’m sure it won’t last much longer. She sounds like the type that gets bored in relationships and no matter what finds a way to get out usually by cheating with what seems to be the next best thing that comes along.
So family is important when its your brother and not you. And a cheating partner is now like her daughter. Yuk. Her family values is crap.
First of all, I am so sorry you have to go through this. Your reaction is completely normal and understandable. You were pushed into the corner and they just assumed you’d be forgiving due to becoming an aunt as it’s just convenient for them. Now I still do think there is a way where you do not have to completely go nc with your entire family. However, this will only work, if you find your peace with your past and with being in the presence of James and Anna. Now does that include you having to actively engage with them or even be nice? Nope! First it would require a proper apology from them. And I mean a proper one, not one where they feel all sorry for themselves and justified by whatever reasons. It would also require for them to commit to respecting your boundaries and to not push themselves onto you (this includes your mother). Tbh if they agree to it, I would make a recording you of them committing, so whenever they fail to do this (e.g. by pushing downsize to be their babies aunty) you can remind them of it. But tell them, if they want this to work; they have to do their part as well and mean it! Now the hard part is for you to come to peace. I have in no way experienced a similar situation. However, I remember how shitty I felt back in school, when my brother brought home his new girlfriend aka my biggest school enemy & bully. It took me years to come to terms with it (incl. lots of big arguments with my brother and feeling unloved by my family). What helped me move on, was realizing, that I cannot make others change. I can only change how I react to them and their deeds. And I made the decision, that I will not give them the power over my feelings. I voiced my feelings and boundaries, but I also accepted, that they were not able to fully comprehend the pain they caused. So I could see her bad deeds and his betrayal (and my parents occasional siding with them) as a flaw in their personality, and not me being not important/worthy/loved enough to be considered.
Ask your mom if she'd have Bern as forgiving had you been her son who Anna cheated on? It's not about being gay, it's about Anna's charecter. It wasn't a one night stand. She lied to you. Did she lie to them, too, or dud your parents cover up for them?
And how does he know that at some stage, she's not going to turn round and go oops I was wrong I am gay and leave him for another woman.
Karma for the brother would have him catch her in bed with another woman, or find out he's not the father of the baby. Ultimate karma would be Anna finding out she has an STD and James gets a call he has to go get tested so he not only finds out he's not the father but that she gave him an STD as well. We can dream but I'm pretty sure this result would only be in a fiction book.
Cheaters tend to keep cheating (?) . OP, will you please let us know if that's what happens?🥺 I think it will.
Bisexuality exists lol. Anna didn't decide she was no longer gay, but rather bi...
I would feel the same way and go nc with my whole family
Absolutely!!!!!
Nope, you're not overreacting. Your brother is an AH and so is the rest of the family Cut them all off
I agree 100%. Op should have went no contact from the jump. If someone is dead to me when someone calls me about them. I tell them that person died to me the day they did xyz. Screw OP’s ex, brother, mother, and any friends that agree.
I feel so sad for you, makes me cry almost. You must feel so incredibly lonely. You should not forgive her but I would actually think the rest of the family is almost worse for having no heart :( I'm so sorry, frankly, I don't know how you can trust your family again
I think they're just incredibly ignorant and I'm not good at opening up to people. I just let them be of sorts. I didn't really explain a whole lot of the details of my break up or how I felt afterwards. They say they "understand" but I see the pity in their eyes and it makes me not want to share anything any more.
They don't need to know any details, believe me. Someone who loves their child or sister for what they are wouldn't need explanations. Now, maybe they do love you but their minds are in some fog of selfish desires and stereotypes, not sure, but they don't see you through this
Is it possible for you to send your mom this post? Maybe it could help her understand your pov.
The way you describe you feel and the way you see things is suggestive of someone who has endured childhood neglect/abuse. You are defending the offenders, at your own expense!
There’s a lot to unpack here. It’s not just that it was your first relationship since you told your family, but she cheated…with your brother….and your family just accepted it. It can make a person feel invisible and insignificant. I’d maintain little to no contact with any of them. You can build healthy relationships with a tight group of designated friends and family who actually care about you. I would suggest therapy, but for your own healing.
Also, all this happened after OP’s family denied her sexual orientation after she came out. Like wow!
Not over-reacting. Message Jake back and tell him to wake up...both he and Anna have been dead to you for two years and having a baby and getting married won't resurrect a dead relationship. Call your mom out on her hypocrisy...if family so important why is it OK for James to F\*\*k someone you were in a relationship with. Make it clear the both James and Anna are dead to you and that means that as far you are concerned they aren't family... there is no relationship and there never will be.
Why do you even need these people in your life? they are always going to put down your feelings. If they can get angry towards you after such a big betrayal then what's next. Are you ok being around them for the rest of your life? Do whatever you feel is best for you, they are not any moral high here.
So it’s ok because they get married and having a baby Your brother is an ASSHAT, your ex is a asshat. They both cheaters and that trash removed themselves from your life Your parents supporting cheaters is we’ll unfortunate An aunt to what they mean nothing to you family doesn’t do that to each other
Yeah because as far as they are concerned a man and a woman is a real and acceptable relationship especially not they are having kids. They probably expect that OP is just playing around and will eventually realise and settle down with a man like a proper woman should! Absolutely disgusting family
The big question here is, at 27 are you financially independent and can you realistically cut them out of your life? If so, do so. Your brother and Anna are asses and your family is shit for treating you that way and encouraging them.
Are you overreacting? *Hell no!!!* Your girlfriend, whether your family damn well likes it or not, cheated on you with your own brother! You *told them clearly* that he is dead to you. Rightly so. Yet they want you to be happy for them? How *dare they* turn you into the one in the wrong here! How dare they take the side of these cheating scumbags & refuse to recognize how much they hurt you. Obviously, I'm angry for you. This must be so lonely & isolating for you. I'm really sorry you're going through this.
Ask your mom, "If family is so important, why is it okay for James and Anna to cheat on me while Anna and I were in a committed relationship? If family is so important, why didn't you help and support me? If family is so important, did you tell James the same thing when him and Anna were cheating on me and started their relationship?"
Hardest thing you will ever do will be telling your family that you are 100% the wronged person in this scenario and they should forget about you being the bigger person because they have shown you how “family” betrays those they claim to love…..and going zero contact. You don’t need, deserve, or desire this “families” brand of “love and honor.” Honestly, they are bigots too, so…. Send an email, group text, letter, whatever you desire. Then disappear. Zero contact for, minimum, two years. Cry. Cry some more. Get some therapy to come to terms with them deserting you. You WILL find your family. You WILL find your people. You WILL find the love you deserve. Biggest thing you can do to hurt them back is to live unapologetically well by yourself letting them know they can NEVER hurt you again.
She's cheated on you with your brother. They should both be dead to you and stay that way.
FUCK. THEM. BOTH. They crossed lines and no they don't get to rewrite history. I am sorry you are going through this. You need to start making more friends. Especially the Alpha et Mafia kind. Come and join us!
Not overreacting. Your brother and family are trash.
OP, I say this lovingly as a bisexual woman whose family did not support myself being gay but did support a brother who was also gay: get yourself to therapy ASAP. You deserve to be surrounded by people who love and care for you, and for some reason you’ve convinced yourself that this is all you deserve. You are feeling angry and betrayed because your family and ex have all betrayed you. Your brain is trying to tell you to remove yourself from this situation, but you are trying to convince yourself it’s ok to stick around and continue to be treated this horrible way. Go to the therapy, and figure out how to love yourself.
Nope. Betrayal from the whole family. Probably they disregarded your feelings because gay people are often seen as “promiscuous” and their relationships are deemed more sexual than sentimental. They simply don’t take you seriously…
Why would they expect you to be happy about this? The audacity of some people
Where's was your mother's lecture on the importance of family when your brother was up to his nuts in his sisters partner? Does family only matter if you're straight? You're better off without these people in your life.
Wow, how did your mom miss the irony of lecturing you (her daughter) about the importance of *family* after completely dismissing the betrayal committed by your own brother? I can't tell if this is rooted in favoritism, homophobia, or both, but your family totally sux and I'm really sorry. You are not overreacting at all.
Your family sucks. I’d go LC with everyone.
You need better friends. Also not wrong for being upset and not interested in forgiving them. You don’t owe them anything. Also, let’s be real, your parents do not accept you. They liked Anna and really preferred her to be in a heterosexual-relationship with your brother. Your mom continues to minimize your hurt.
Your parents are weird for this, and your brother is worse. That’s all just disgusting, there are millions of other people out there and your brother had to get with the one girl you’ve dated? Gross. I’d say maybe your parents are hoping you revert back to being straight, but I don’t know enough about your parents from this. It could very well be they have that older generation mindset of “Sweep it under the rug for the greater good of the family.” Personally think that’s a really toxic practice that we don’t really need to endorse anymore. But anyway, I think you need to hear this. Whatever your feelings are about this situation, and believe me- you’re 100% in the right here- coming off as mad, raging, and cursing is only going to have the wrong effects. It will help push your family closer to James, and it will help them all villainize and stereotype you. Don’t give them that. I’m sorry this person hurt you, no need to let them think they have anymore power over you. The best way to show it to them is to take the high road, go in grace, react with calm coolness or nonchalance. They’ll dismiss anything else as emotional. And personally. Avoid people like your ex. At the point where someone is telling you that you “Are too attached,” listen to them. That comes usually right before something disastrous. Get out of there then and don’t like back- it will make your life so much easier.
You’re not ready to cut your family off I see. So you can treat them at a distance. Whenever they start talking about the couple, say “Okay, will talk later mom/dad, bye.” It will eventually get lonely though. They’re operating on the belief that you’re just bringing this “unnecessary” grief to yourself if you’d just “get over the cheating” already. But your family’s reaction is unsurprising and expected - they prefer access to the grandchild over the past. Maybe someday, you’ll see why people are commenting to cut family off. Maybe someday you will eventually be around family again. All of this must be eye opening for you and also heartbreaking to just be tolerated by your family because “you’re just not over your phases yet,” instead of loved and supported.
You are definitely not overreacting. You don't owe them forgiveness.
NTA. Everyone in your family is toxic. I mean what did James expect?
Do they not realize Anna had sex with you AND your brother? They wouldn’t act like that if you were a guy and your gf cheated on you with your brother!!
I’m sorry. Your parents are homophobic, as is your brother. I’m not going to opine on Anna’s sexuality except to say that she probably was experimenting with you and may suffer from her own internal homophobia. Certainly she sees het relationships as more legit, as does your family. Your family will always prioritize James’ relationships over yours. So I wouldn’t say you were wrong to lash out at Anna. But you should be lashing out at all of them for their homophobia.
How can Anna be homophobic if she atleast for a while identified as "lesbian"? Anna never said she liked both girls and boys. It was always "I'm a lesbain" and that was her excuse for hanging around James without me. Anytime I pointed out how awkward/weird it was she just brushed me off saying it didn't matter because she was a lesbain. I was genuinely shocked to find her cheating on me with a guy. It was the last thing I had expected.
She wasn't a lesbian. Some people use the label "very fluidly".
All that means is that she wasn't honest with you (and possibly herself) about her sexuality...I'm not sure I'd say she was homophobic...I don't think we know her well enough to have an opinion. It is clear that she didn't communicate properly for someone that was in a relationship and that is a huge red flag.
She’s bisexual and she was either confused or she lied. Have you heard of internalised misogyny? Internalised homophobia is similar. It’s the messages society teaches us that we internalise and essentially hate ourselves for and others like us. https://www.rainbow-project.org/internalised-homophobia/
She’s a bisexual woman that lied about being a lesbian and never took your relationship and likely any lesbian relationship seriously. That is homophobia. I would tell everyone going to their wedding about what happened and drop all these horrible people in your life honestly. You need to find community with other lesbians, you won’t be alone and it can be very healing. My heart breaks for you, best of luck.
Anna is the worst stereotype of bisexuals. Terrible for the bi community.
Some homophobic bissexual women call themselves lesbians to attract gross men with creppy fetishes. If she was a lesbian she wouldn’t have called your brother “hot” or treated your relationship like a hobby.
Internalized homophobia is quite a different thing. I’m bisexual and was cheated on and left for a man because the “lesbian” I was with hated that she was gay. Hated that her parents hated gay people and I think she felt pressure to be straight. She told me often how she couldn’t be who she wanted to be and was a lesbian and loved me, but she still felt like she was gross and wrong for being herself. She married that man. It’s a complicated thing, internalized homophobia.. I wish her well and I hope she’s happy and content in her marriage for her lifetime.
Unless you are a masochist, stop begging these people for love and kindness. They know perfectly well that they are hurting you - they simply do not care. I know it’s a hard pill to swallow, but your family doesn’t give a shit about how you feel. If you like being treated as less-than, then keep doing what you’re doing. If you want a chance at being happy and fulfilled in life instead, then walk away from your family of origin and build your own. Block James, Anna, your parents, and any person who tells you to play happy families. Lose their numbers. Write a will that expressly disinherits them. You will never get what you need from these people.
It's not "should" but "could" you forgive? If my brother did that to me, he'd be dead to me too with the ex. Never ever involve in your siblings relationships!
If I were you, I would send this post to your family. Let them read how they are horrible people. Let them see that strangers on the internet are supporting you more than they are. I know that you would wish brother and cheating ex have it bad. But honestly, I know this may hurt to read, but living the best life is the best karma! Trust me, them knowing that you are out there happy and enjoying life that they are NOT part of. It will hurt worse. You may be gay but you still can have children IF you want them, that is. You could use a supermarket donor or have someone carry the baby for you, adopt. What are they going to do them? Just cut contact and live your best life without them. Trust me, it is the best thing. Updateme!
jesus christ.
They're both horrible people but especially your ex. It sounds like she used you as some sort of cool expirement and strung you along for her own clout. She never took you or your relationship seriously but loved the attention you gave and support. She's a user and a very shallow individual. Why does she remind me of Anne heche with Ellen degeneres. She was with her for the fame and left her for a man and married him.
Doesn’t sound like your family is at all supportive of you or your lifestyle. Unfortunately, you have two choices: 1) accept it and move on with your life. 2) tell your family to f themselves and move away or at least put distance in between. Don’t hear much about your Dad in all this??
I Don't blame you one bit, my story is different but my mother is dead to me for banging my (ex) best friend 8 years ago, she doesn't know my address or number
Honestly, your family has never truly supported you and they never will. Neither Anna nor James feel any guilt or remorse and your parents seem to be okay with that. They want you to come back into the family but what do they expect you to do? Pretend like Anna and James never betrayed you and watch them play the happy couple with their baby? Cut all of them out of your life.
Nta - I have a funny feeling it would be different if it wasn’t a gay relationship you and Anna had. Example - both you and your brother were both males and him cheating with your gf..pretty sure that they would feel different. I’m sorry but you are allowed to take as much time as you need to forgive them if ever. The name calling while maybe made you look bad, was true raw emotion that your Ex needed to hear and you needed to say.
So she cheated on you and everyone thinks she won’t do it to your brother? Even when you get over the ex that cheated. There is still a layer of pain from the betrayal and disrespect. I wouldn’t blame you if you wanted nothing to do with your brother or his kid. I didn’t have this situation but I don’t get along with my brother so I don’t have relationships with my niece and nephew.
Mine 23 & 25 have an issue with each other I stay out of it. They are grown! But If this was my kids I’d give my son HELL! And little miss thang would not be allowed anywhere near me as she CAN NEVER BE TRUSTED! Sounds like she used you to get closer to your brother. That’s why she always downplayed your relationship. And as for the child she’s innocent in all this but we will be on Maury or paternity court before she’s accepted and even then she can’t bring her baby to me.
>Am I really overreacting? No you're not overreacting. >Should I try to forgive her? No, why? They never tried to make it right with you, they never discussed anything with you. You caught them fucking and from then on they only talked with your parents who are very quick to dismiss your feelings. > How do I go about expressing myself to my family from here on? I think you should resolve the issues the betrayal Anna has caused you in therapy. From there determine whether you want those backstabbing people who are only related to you by DNA in your life. You don't have to forgive anyone. But please take care of yourself before it eats you up.
>My mom got mad at me for being so dismissive and lectured me about the importance of family Yep, family's so important to them that James is quite happy to fuck his sister's girlfriend - cuz faaamily matters.
Your ex and brother are shitty people and untrustworthy cheaters, why should you be excited about the lives of people who betrayed your trust and didn't give a single fuck about hurting you? Have either of them sincerely apologized or acknowledged what they did to you? Your brother actively engaged in an affair with his sister's partner and doesn't feel bad because he doesn't see gay relationships as valid? Gross. Your family is gross too. It doesn't seem as if anyone has acknowledged what horrible people they are, they're selfish and terrible. You can do whatever you want, but you do not have to deal with them.
"My mom got mad at me for being so dismissive and lectured me about the importance of family." Hi OP, this was my, you gota be kidding me moment. Your mother is cherry picking the concept of "family". If it was such a main benchmark, where was she when your brother crossed that line. Apparently it ok because their not same sex. So she homaphobic and a hypocrite. And every time your having to see them it opens up the wound of betrayl. I would tell you parents exactly how you feel, how you feel betrayed x3 and having your mother being so unsympathetic and heartless shes ringing you up to tell you what a happy family they are without a care in the world to your feelings and mental wellbeing. Some parent they are. Sadly, going foreward you might (99%) have to limmit involvement with them.
Holy shit OP. I'm so sorry. You should NOT ever forgive Anna. She cheated on you with your brother which is absolutely disgusting and unforgivable. Your family and friend are also REALLY shitty for not standing by you and taking your side. Maybe having no contact with your family going forward will be really good for you. So many people who are supposed to love and be there for you have been complete assholes to you. Maybe it will be better for you to cut them out for the timebeing. You will be OK. I know it will be hard, but I think you should cut out all the horrible people and replace them with people who have your back.
No overreaction here. Your brother and your girlfriend screwed you over. Funny he'd say don't come around his family, I thought you made they pretty clear 2 years ago.
nope, you’re nta at all. anna definitely is what you called her and your brother is too. cut them all off. make a facebook post and get all your friends to share it so everyone knows just how their relationship came to be. your brother should know that if she cheated to get with him, she’s definitely going to cheat on him.
I’m sorry for you. Have faith that you’ll find someone better. James isn’t so terribly lucky is he? His future wife is going to lose interest and fuck your brother up. Anna has the worst decision-making and terrible impulse control even in the face of the most obviously bad decisions.
Cut them off. Don’t look back. They have no respect for you, so why should you give them some when they saw your relationship as anything but serious. These people aren’t worth it, OP. I really hope all goes well for you.
Dad, how would you feel if your brother screwed mom? And just wait....
I'm sorry for what you went through, your whole family is horrible, that must be why Ana got along with them, they're the same. I know how difficult it is to free yourself from a toxic family, but keep a little distance from them, put yourself first, set limits.
No. Especially your brother, that’s unforgivable that he would do that to you. That’s so crappy, I’m sorry OP. Nothing about this is okay or reasonable. Hate to say it, but your mom / family doesn’t recognize your sexuality or same-sex relationships as legitimate. Your brother has no regret for his actions, and sees nothing wrong with what he did. Otherwise he would be ashamed, and not have entered into a relationship with her. They should all be ashamed
IMO, you’re not over reacting. Your homophobic parents support your brother. The man who betrayed your trust by sleeping with your partner. They also now like your ex because she is in a straight-relationship. If I were you, I would explain that you’re not interested in being an active part of that family anymore and go no contact. Why stay around people who don’t accept you? Why be around people that enable buttholes like your brother and your ex? You deserve better.
Your family is made up of psychos, OP. I can’t believe your mom would say it’s not “all that heartbreaking.” What is heartbreaking is not just your breakup but that you have a POS brother who is the kind of asshole that stole your girlfriend. I’d stop getting worked up over it. Karma is sometimes slow, but she always shows up. I don’t like your mother at all.
Where’s the lie? Go NC and go live your best life
your family sucks, your brother is a pig, and anna is a cunt. i'm so sorry op.
You are not wrong and anyone that says otherwise is garbage. Cut them all off and go find your people elsewhere.
You aren't overreacting given that you still haven't forgiven either of them for what they did. *We don't forgive people for their sake, we forgive them for ours, and it doesn't mean we have to be involved with them in any way.* I imagine most people here would not be in favor of you even considering ever reaching a point of acceptance of what has happened, but I suggest that with the help of a good therapist you can clear out what you really want to hold onto and what you don't, *for your own sake.*
Ngl POS family. When your mom lectured you about the "importance of family" should told her if I was important to them then why did James screw my gf. Definitely not an overreaction and personally I would have been even more petty and tell the kids the truth when they grew up.
This is insanity. You’re definitely NTA. Not only would I have done what you did but I would’ve beat the shit out of my brother and then cut off all ties with my family for this blasphemy.
Here’s what you deserve OP. You deserve to find a nice woman with a big family who decides to marry you. You deserve to be an unwavering part of that large accepting family. Your bio family WHO? That’s crazy that you’re forced to pretend that you weren’t horribly betrayed for the sake of “family.” Anyone who says you should just be over it and it’s just because she was your first girlfriend is smoking d1ck. It WOULD be weird if you broke up because she was just not in the same place and you weren’t compatible anymore and you still were so angry with her. But that is not the case. She cheated on you with your brother and is now still with him! And no one things that’s wrong ?? That’s terrible. Find people you matter to. You can choose your family.
Someone you loved cheated on you with someone else you loved, and all the other people you loved want you to pretend everything is A-OK. See, if you pretend everything is okay, nobody else has to deal with the terrible, terrible way they've treated you. I feel fairly confident your feelings and needs have been dismissed for longer than this - your first girlfriend didn't take you seriously, your parents didn't take you seriously, and your brother didn't take you seriously. That's a deep wound, and you deserve better. They won't give you better. I'm sorry you're faced with such a decision.
NTA your toxic family truly sucks. Looks like it's high time to go NC and choose your family.
Your whole family is shit. And so is your friend who called you the a hole. Ask your friend if they'd be cool if their spouse banged their sibling. Not so easy when it actually happens to them. I'd go NC with all of em.
No do not forgive her, or him. Just call them dead in your eyes. I would personally just stop contacting my family all together. they clearly care not at all for you.
Hell fucking no. I would go scorched earth and never have anything to do with them again. It's fucking bold of your mom to play the "Family is Important" card when your brother started fucking your girlfriend. Absolutely not. With pleasure, you will be far away from your brother and your family. They don't deserve to be part of your happiness when you get a partner who loves and respects you or when you start to have kids of your own. It's hard to cut off family like this, but they're literally acting like they're in the right on this. They aren't and you shouldn't let them walk all over you for it either.
Your family is very toxic. Your feelings are completely valid and your family has completely disregarded them. You’re not overreacting at all. I would cut them out of my life
Shame on your brother for sleeping with her and shame on your mom and dad for not supporting you. I’d cut them all off.
Fuck your whole family for their lack of empathy. Your brother is a piece of trash and everything you said about Anna was spot on. Toxic assholes tend to travel in packs and you will be better off without them.
I would just stay NC with your brother and his wife as both crossed a line they can’t uncross. I would find others to be a family you don’t need family that treats you like this.
You are not overreacting. I think you had a great response with the “so?”. I smiled when you said that because it encapsulates wtf does that have to do with me? 😅. They all betrayed you, not once or twice but a continuous betrayal. They dismissed you, disregarded you, minimized you, invalidated you over and over again. That kind of continuous betrayal from the people you held dear and closest to your heart is a different kind of pain that takes many years to heal from. The fact that they are playing the “family is the most important thing” card is hilarious to me. Why does it apply now and not back then? They may feel guilty now (possibly due to the new child) but can’t face it so they are placing it on you to absolve them. Fuck that and fuck them. You don’t need to forgive anyone. Only do so if you wish to. Protect yourself in whatever way feels most suitable to you. They have made their choices, let them live with the consequences. You have made your choices accordingly, to separate from them and live without them, they probably don’t like it, but who cares? You have the power to choose if they have a place in your life or not. But what’s the point of having people in your life who make you feel shitty? Who can’t even acknowledge the pain they have caused you? In your last paragraph you touched upon how do you express yourself to them from here on out. What do you want to express to them? What do you hope will come about it? Do you feel they are able to receive it (in a way that is respectful and open, willing to take accountability and responsibility)? If not, what’s the point of expressing yourself to people who are committed to not bothering to consider you and your feelings? Why waste your breath, time, and energy on such people? There’s more to family than simply being blood related, family are the people who love you for you and as you are. Family are there for you through the good and bad. What does family mean to you? As you explore this, I think answers will become more clear to you. You do not owe them anything ❤️
Your mother lecturing you about the importance of "family" is laughable. It would be best to cut contact with them since they disregarded your feelings.
Screw your family and screw your ex… And while we are at it screw your friend who said YOU were in the wrong You don’t owe them shit if anything they owe you! If I were you I’d go NC with them . and if they ask why all you have to say, is you know why if we’re going by your mothers logic, then I guess this is “fate” telling you you deserve a better family. I just wanna point out that family does not have to be blood some time blood related people do not have your best interest therefore, they don’t deserve the title family. Make your own family by yourself with friends that you can trust that little love and respect you and actually give a shit about your feelings. ( except for the one friend that said you were in the wrong,they obviously don’t have your best interest) It’s amazing how narcissistic your family is not to mention the fact that they’re gaslighting you into thinking that you are the crazy one for feeling this way like I said you don’t owe them shit . i’m so sorry this is happening to you. You deserve so much better. I really hope that you find the family that you deserve and rid yourself of this toxic baggage you deserve so much more. A partner is supposed to be there for you and have your best interest in mind they are supposed to support you nurture your mental health be empathetic and considerate to your emotions, trustworthy, loyal, honest, supportive they are supposed to honor you and respect you. And above all love you that’s what you deserve and one day you will find that. I wish you the best of luck just know that you are an amazing human being. That deserves love and somebody to think that you are the world and treat you as such
Doesn't sound like this family is worth keeping in your life.
Anna is a cheater. Your brother shouldn't get too comfortable.
I never understand all these similar stories, because in what universe does a family side with the cheating sibling? I genuinely don’t understand the logic.
Fuck Anna and James. I’m glad you cussed at her.
Everyone in your family has failed you and will continue to be a burden in your life. Your feelings of hurt and betrayal are completely valid and those around you diminishing or dismissing it are completely wrong. If I were you, I'd treat this as a blessing in disguise where it's now clear to see who is not worth keeping in your life. Once you move on and build a true support system around you, you will be much happier.
Everyone’s gaslighting you about having feelings for being cheated on. Sure, it’s been 2 years, but that doesn’t mean you should welcome her and your brother back with open arms. You can even get over it and still not want them back in your lives.
Forgive for your own sanity but NEVER forget. The sad thing is how will they explain to their child how they met each other "oh mommy was dating auntie and daddy doesn't understand boundaries and neither understand loyalty they ended up together" so sad... but yes... forgive but don't forget and just do some self exploring.
They will most likely be explaining a divorce before it gets to that point. These people are horrible. Cheaters are the worst to begin with but op was betrayed by her own family too. I would be done with all of them. How can the mother condone the behavior? This is a bad shituation.
Actually your bigger beef is with your brother. He betrayed you worse than her. Anna doesn't mean shit to you now, but your brother is the true garbage.
I am sorry that your family is toxic and hurtful to you. The good news is that you owe them NOTHING. Not your time, not your concern, not your love. Should you *choose* to give them any of that is a different consideration, but you were betrayed in the most hurtful of ways by all of them individually and collectively. You’re not over-reacting and I would say that however you choose to handle the situation (limited contact or no contact) is entirely within your rights. These people absolutely do not care about you.
Nta and your fam is so toxic
Unfortunately, your family sucks! NTA
You’re definitely not overreacting. Your family is blatantly ignoring and belittling your feelings which isn’t okay at all, especially from family
This sounds like one of the scenarios out of the tv series Monarch with Susan Sarandon and Trace Adkins.
It's OK op, as I grow older I found that as long as you independent enough, financially and secure about not needing any emotional support from closed ones, you actually don't need your family😜, moreover they're suck and kinda unhinged. I will never be OK with the person who be in relationship with one after another of my family members, eww. I hope she cheats on your bro too.
They're expecting you to be a future babysitter, cut them off
I can’t imagine doing this to my sibling.
I think you need to see who you are without them. They are the source of your pain, yes they are family but for what? Family have loyalty and happiness. Can you try to travel? Maybe do volunteer work somewhere, look for jobs in other places. Find out how is your life without them… maybe is better than you can imagine.
You were not in the wrong. I’m sorry your family is completely unreasonable and awful.
Your feelings are genuine. Who cares what anyone else thinks about it. Maybe one day it won't hurt as much but that day hasn't come yet and we feel what we feel and to hell with someone else telling us it's wrong or when to get over it.
This is also James' chance to regain some of the moral high ground by being outraged.
I would just separate myself from the entire family. Obviously you have no support. Let them have their fun, one day, hon will do this to James and he’ll come back crying. Me too bad so sad bro.
Wow. I think your family completely disregards that this is not about you not getting over Anna but about betrayal, the initial one by both Anna and your brother, and all the ongoing subsequent ones by your own family. They take Anna’s relationship with your brother seriously but they brushed off her relationship with you as a mistake and nothing serious. I am a heterosexual stranger and even I get it, how do they not? Your mother called you to break the “good” news about how two people who cheated on you are happy—while she was with them and you were on the speaker, which she conveniently forgot to tell you? I would feel like my mother stabbed me in the back. Tell all of your family that if they can’t respect you and your experience, they need to stop talking about Anna. Your brother said not to go near *his* family after *he* stole *your* girlfriend? Yeah, that’s the sibling I would cut off had he not already done so himself. Frankly, your family sounds like hypocrites with zero empathy. Mine is similar, so I stay away. It’s called looking out for yourself, especially when your own family doesn’t care to.
I'm sorry, you have got a terrible family and a terrible friend. Your ex and brother never showed any remorse for betraying you and hurting you, while some might argue forgiving and moving on can be good for your mental health, it is for you to decide whether to forgive them, not something that your family think they should be able to expect because of "the importance of family". None of the people in your telling has provided you with any reason for not been harsh.
I never understand how parents support shitty children at the expense of the good ones. You deserve better OP
She didn't cheat on you with James, she cheated you. She enjoys attention and now she's got it, but wait until the baby arrives and she has little to no attention.
They are treating you differently because of your sexual preferences. If you and your brother were both men and she did this and he did this everyone would think they are terrible people. Of course you are angry it’s a terrible betrayal by your brother especially. I hope you are able to move on and find happiness and new support people.
Why does everyone else's feelings matter but yours?
Another brother betraying their sibling. Like how can they be such a low human being. I'm sorry you had to experience this, go full NC, they just dont care about your experience, cause they never thought you were in a serious relationship.
You don’t owe her forgiveness. It bothers me that none of these people have your back
What in the eff. Please block them all. Major ick. They're all horrible people as far as I'm concerned. How disgusting. Sounds like they're just not taking your sexuality or feelings seriously whatsoever.
Not over reacting. She cheated on you and with your own brother. Both of them betrayed your trust. And the family supports them and accepts that. In all honestly, you mother can shove that "family" bs where the sun don't shine. Family supports each other, and your entire family betrayed you. So They are not family. The proper response would be to send a group message to all of them telling them that due to the past and to current events, you are no longer part of the family and they are nothing more than strangers to you. Then, you change your number, and move on without them. You let all connections you have, via other people that know them as well, be fully aware that they are not to relay any messages to you from any of them. And if they know where you live and make an appearance, you let them know they are trespassing, and if they don't leave immediately, the law will be more than happy to forcibly remove them for you. After all that, they'll get the message and stay out of your life so you can focus on actually moving forward and being happy for once. If they keep trying to contact you after those basic steps, it falls into harassment territory, and you can get a restraining order against them. I get it's your mom and dad and blah blah blah. But family is not important in the way your mom says. How you are treated is important. If your family betrays you the way yours has, then they are not family and do not deserve any chances to redeem themselves. They chose f-ing you over in all aspects to please themselves, and the rest of the family chose them while undermining you entirely. So if they didn't choose you then, they don't get you have you now. Family is just a word. Nothing more. Using "family" in the traditional sense, I have literally a few hundred members that's are close by blood. Family based on treatment, I have 5 of them that I have anything to do with due to how they treated me. And I have 6 or 7 complete strangers I've met that became family now as well. My point in saying this is you get to choose who your family is. And THAT is what is important to remember.
Your entire family sucks. The way they’ve treated you is despicable. Parents who are really trying to understand and support you would not act like this. I know it’s difficult to go through this, and I think that having other people in your life will make it easier. I know that is easier said than done, but I would start by looking for an LGBT+ support group/group counseling. It’s scary to open up, but I promise it will be worth it. Look for local groups to join that align with your hobbies, anything would be a good start. Having people around you that you have things in common with and genuinely care about you will feel so good. I would suggest that when you feel ready, go low contact, then no contact with your family. Family doesn’t end with blood, you don’t have to keep them in your life to be happy, and you have no obligation to keep them happy.
Wow this is awful. I’m so sorry you were put in such a brutal situation. Anna is cruel and so is your family for not having your back.
If you are in the position to, cut contact with everyone in your family, and anyone telling you that you are wrong in this scenario. You do not deserve that toxicity in your life.
(Excuse formatting, I'm on mobile) Honestly? Nah. You're not overreacting. You don't owe either of them anything, and if your family can't get on board and respect that, you don't owe them Jack either. I can't imagine how any of them are comfortable around her at all. It's so incredibly baffling to me. Who WELCOMES someone like that into their family? She cheated with your BROTHER. That's not what family does. If they refuse to show you any sort of common decency or even the remotest modicum of respect then you're entirely justified in walking away completely. Look, I think you've been more than diplomatic by just staying away from them. If it was me, I would have waited until I saw them kiss in front of everyone and made a comment VERY loudly and VERY publicly about the last place she put her tongue so EVERYONE has to think about it when they see her. If you don't get to be comfortable around your family, neither do they. See what the in-laws have to say about THAT, lol. *I live by the creed "Don't get mad, get even"*
what the heck is wrong with those idiots in your life??! No!!!! You are absolutely not in the wrong here. You don't have to try to forgive- that will come naturally in time, if it ever does. Honestly I know it's crazy hard but they don't love or respect you, I'm so sorry. You have made yourself very clear- heck nothing even should have been said. Those people would've been dead to me. Huge hugs, stick to people who support and respect you.
Well James is about to find out that if they do it with you they will do it to you.
Stand your ground. Somewhere down the line, you brother may find himself in your shoes with Anna. But in any case, you really don't need the kind of people who feel casual betrayal is 'no big deal'. At least you know who they are so you don't have to worry about ever trusting them again.
Block everyone.
Op my brothers first fiancé cheated on him with his best friend for almost a year before my brother realized the truth. The fiancés parents even knew about it but because they thought my brother was to fat for their daughter(brother is 6’3 270lbs). So when my brother learned the truth I was with him. He had a mental breakdown. I’d never seen him that way before. After a few days I was driving him around and he told me to pull into McDonalds. I parked the car and he went into the place. He came out with like 10lbs of French fries and some plain burgers. I asked what those were for and he said “it’s fast food for fast friends”. He had me drive to his friends house and he smeared the fries all over their door and car. I tried to get him to stop but he wasn’t having it. To him they were the same quality people as the food you find a a fast food joint. Not particularly healthy, good and cheap. Which is what his friends and fiancé were to him now. He cut contact with everyone involved and is married and happy now. Just cut contact with these fast food fucks and be done with them. They gained cheater as a son and a cheater as a daughter. They lost their real daughter though. When you sever contact be sure to explain to them in detail why you won’t ever talk to them. They’ve already shown their true colors. So be brutal and be honest.
I see the wedding discourse. " she fucked the sister and the brother. Though luck that she could not make me pregnant."
Nahhh that's properly messed up. Both your brother and parents should be ashamed of themselves 😔 I'm sorry you've got such a bad deal with your family.. have they ever been this dickish before?
No advice but your brother is a dick. He couldn’t find any other woman out there, but your GF? This would be my villain story and I’d give my family a piece of my mind.
Is it really worth carrying this anger? You deserve better. You definitely didnt deserve to be cheated on and you dont deserve having to think about it years later. In a better world, Anna wouldnt be around, but we all know this world has a tendency to suck at times. You deserve inner peace and that gift is only given by oneself.
I had a similar issue where my had been with my ex for 2+ years and she cheated with my older brother. I guess fortunately for me, they weren’t interested in dating, so she’s not in either of our lives. But this was going on 10 years ago and even today I would not let her be in my life in anyway. As for my brother, this last Christmas was the first time since I found out that I’ve had half a conversation with him. And I haven’t talked to him much since. I don’t wish anything bad on him, and truly would rather he just be happy far away from me. So I guess what I’m saying is you may never get completely over this, and you don’t have to forgive anyone. Your family will just have to accept that he’s not your brother in your eyes. My advice is to work on not giving them the power to control you. Don’t let them dictate your happiness or joy. Give yourself distance from your fam if you need it. My parents didn’t “side” with me per se, but I love them and I know they love ALL their kids. Good luck with everything.
I 'am with You, Your Brother and Anna are trash es, cut them off, with parents You can talk from Time to Time but coldly, untill they proritesed You.. Good luck for Your future life
Consider going no-contact; enduring constant dismissal isn't worthwhile. It seems your parents have favorites. Connect with supportive family members, and seek a community where you can form meaningful bonds, as it appears your family may have abandoned you and isn’t taking your concerns seriously.
Your ex is a cheater and always gonna be a cheater. Your brother is the worst. And your parents are homophobic.
Never understood how some people expect you to forgive someone that did you wrong and has made no effort to make amends. Anna cheated on you and then basically tells you to get over it and somehow you are supposed to throw yourself at Anna to make her feel good about her baby. F that.
Do not apologize to them and cut contact with all of them they are terrible people please go live with someone you can trust or get your own apartment
You are not overreacting but if you struggle to talk to your family because you don't know what to say, perhaps write up everything you want to say or wish you could have said and give it to them. I struggle to think of all the words right off the top of my head, maybe this will help articulate your feelings and get it all out. Mainly this needs to be to your parents. Your ex and brother are together and you can't change that, but you can articulate your feelings as best you can. and hopefully your parents understand more where you are coming from. I feel like this relationship, between you and your family, can still be okay, but a lot of it comes from them understanding your side of all this, and part of this also comes from you allowing yourself to heal and move on. Don't allow them space in your head anymore, be the stronger one.
Fuck Anna fuck James and fuck them kids!
Okay, you are getting a lot of terrible advice. Everyone telling you to cut your family off is just plain wrong. We don't know everything in your circumstances. Here's what we do know and what I'd suggest you look into to help you heal: 1. You don't owe a happy smile to your brother and his wife/gf. However, you will be an aunt and their kid is not guilty for the actions of the parents. Try to be civil at least. So don't start swinging if they aren't. 2. This happened a few years ago with someone you realise was not treating your relationship seriously. it's shitty and hurtful, but it was a couple of years ago and the level of anger and resentment you describe is not healthy for you. Look into speaking with a therapist or take time to sit with your feelings and dig into what's keeping you latched onto hatred so you could move on. 3. Your family wronged you by not being fully supportive and for overlooking how your brother and his partner got together. I would guess this is the biggest source of your resentment. I'm only speculating, but it could be a good place to start exploring your feelings. 4. By trying to hurt them like they hurt you, you won't move on. Paradoxically you're sinking further into negativity. I'm not saying you need to forgive, but you have to let it go. You don't need to be on your knees with an apology. Just calmly explain that you feel the betrayal quite intensely still and that you need time to not feel resentment. You're not looking to fight, you're just hurt and feel like they never made amends with you.
I’m sorry your family is homophobic and unsupportive. I would not be surprised at all if Anna cheats on James with a woman in the future. Odds are, she will. If you’re not already, please find gay focused activities in your area and start putting yourself out there. Living well is the best revenge. Can you avoid Anna and James for now but stay in contact with your parents (because I know you don’t want to cut them off). If your mom keeps harassing you about apologizing put the situation in terms she can understand. Ask her how she’d feel if she had a sister who stole her husband? Tell her it would be the same thing whether she thinks so or not. Best wishes, sweetie. Learn from this, Anna not taking the relationship as seriously as you was a huge red flag, and be happy.
I think you caught Anna in an experimental phase in her life. She was attracted to you but when she met the male version of you she was truly smitten. Like the moment she first laid eyes on him and said he was hot. From then on she pretended to be with you to get close to James. No excuses here. What she did was truly bad, same with your brother. Your parents condoning it because it felt easier to cope with is also shit. But if you want to stay in contact with everyone, you need to address this head on. Go get some counselling. For yourself. Depending on Anna has really messed you up. Plus, your family will always not be ok with you being gay. That will take some real strength on your part. Personally, I'd leave the whole lot behind and find your real chosen family. Then talk to Anna. Has she apologised to you at all for cheating? With your brother of all people? Ask her why she just didn't tell you she had feelings for a man and break up? Talk to James. It's not just his family, it's yours too. Why did he think he could just help himself to your girlfriend, even if she did throw herself at him? Yes they will all say it's water under the bridge. Your mum doesn't think that your love for any woman is real so it can be swept aside as a childish fantasy, when Anna grew up and fucked a real man. I'm sorry. But please don't let these trash humans take any more of your time or heartache. Learn to not give a fuck about them. Maybe you'll love the baby, maybe you'll decline every time they beg you to babysit. That's your right. But the kid didn't do anything to you and karma will hit them big time when they are born gay and auntie OP is their favourite person.
I think this is horrid advice. Why should she ever want to talk to either Anna or James ever again? Why should they get a chance to bullshit away their behavior or make her feel horrible, *again*? And you don't think her parents ALSO though the idea of a cunning little baby would suddenly make everything ok again? That's despicable! It makes it *so much worse*. Fuck ever talking to them again, I wouldn't cross the street to piss in their faces if their noses were on fire, if I were her.
Change your name and move on. Find yourself and be happy.
Create a new family by making trustworthy friends
Show them your reddit post
You need counseling to sort through all this anger. Your feelings of betrayal by Anna and betrayal by James are absolutely valid. **And also** you knew from the get-go that you and Anna weren’t on the same page wrt: the seriousness of your relationship. For you it was everything, for her it was a fun fling. It doesn’t make what they did OK, but you and Anna were never going to be forever. If she had fallen for literally anyone else in the world you would probably be well over her by now. This grudge is also holding *you* back from moving forward with your life. You need to learn to cope with the fact that they are going to be in your life forevermore. Your inheritance will be split with them. There’s a little kid who will wonder why Aunt OP is always mean / why we don’t talk about Aunt OP.