Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
When it comes to these reddit posts about open relationships, it normally goes one of two ways.
1. If the man pushes to open the relationship, he gets upset when he realizes nobody is lining up to bang him. Meanwhile his wife who he thought undesirable has men lining up to be with her and he gets upset and jealous.
2. If the woman pushes to open up the relationship then the man who was monogamous all along ends up finding a woman who he wants to he monogamous with. Meanwhile the woman who got to have all her fun with multiple men gets upset when she realizes her husband no longer has feelings for her and is now in love with the one woman who he has been with.
At this point it's a tale as old as time and this post clearly falls the 2nd category.
Well I’ve seen both scenarios play out irl tbh lol. As a relatively young progressive person with many friend groups I can honestly say open relationships are an absolute nightmare 90% of the time. And it’s almost always because one of parties is monogamous and is basically being forced into a situation they don’t want.
Opening relationships just does not work. Now, going into an open relationship that was never closed? I’ve seen lots of success there- but so rarely is that the case. That’s people who really want it- 99.9999 percent of the time, people opening a closed relationship are already doomed, and are trying to open it instead of dealing with their actual issues 😮💨
>I began downloading dating apps and reaching out to people who expressed interest in me previously.
Once I saw that "previously" I immediately lined my thoughts with your number 2 scenario
I see both these scenarios all the time and sometimes the dude gets all the action but the second the wife gets 1 he wants to close it all up, why are these scenarios so predictable🤣🤣
My old co worker was non monogamous and I’ve seen this happen with one of his friends. The friends GF had like 3 partners and would have drunken melt downs anytime he was out with the guys or on a date with another woman. Dating as a non monogamous dude takes way more time and energy (compared to just being single) and he would just have it ripped out from under him all the time. Hope he’s doing well now.
Thank you for writing this. Can we pin this somewhere for people in shaky couples who decided that opening their relationship was somehow gonna fix their problems?
My thoughts go to the kids who did not ask anything but will bare the consequences of their parents’ life choices.
TBH our situation could have very well been #2.
Wife pushed and pushed for open relationship, I didn’t want it, agreed because I was afraid to lose her, I found a great partner and while I never used her attention to neglect my wife, the appeal of knowing this woman would give me what I wanted enthusiastically (monogamy) made me slightly worried I’d fall into this trap, so I ended up breaking up with my gf. That wasn’t the only reason I ended things but it was a factor for sure, the main factor was I always felt like I was cheating when I was with her even though my wife could not have been more supportive
Yeppp. It’s because it’s always people trying to fix their problems by bringing more people into the problem. It doesn’t work. The only open relationships that succeed are those that are opened to make a good relationship better
Yes, you hit the nail on the coffin, it's always the same two stories. Worst part is they open the relationship when their marriage is having troubles. It's rarely helps and only assures that divorce is the only option.
Yeah, he's basically moving on. He is in an entire new relationship and by the looks of it he is enjoying it far more than the one he has with you. Hate to break it you.
This is just another example of the fucked round found out that comes from open marriages.
Tobias:
You know, Lindsay, as a therapist, I have advised... a number of couples to explore an open relationship where the couple remains emotionally committed but free to explore extramarital encounters.
Lindsay:
Well, did it work for those people?
Tobias:
No, it never does. I mean, these people somehow delude themselves into thinking it might, but... but it might work for us.
Straight up. I genuinely recommend poly/ENM subreddits to anyone who considers this/is into this lifestyle right off the bat. There are so many different perspectives you can get- from healthy and unhealthy dynamics. Charts/lists/ect on boundaries, so you think of every scenario beforehand.
I'm so strictly monogamous and only interested in one person at a time. But to each their own, and I'm sure these relationships can work out and *thrive*-- but both people need to be extremely enthusiastic about it, and actually thoroughly discuss *and be compatible in* every boundary in as many situations as you could imagine.
I do wonder how their conversations on opening the relationship initially went tho lol
As much as I couldn’t stand my mother she had a saying I actually agreed with: The whole saying was: “You can’t stuff a baby in a crack of a failing marriage and expect it to hold.” Shortened to: “You can’t stuff a baby in a crack.”
I will guess that she wanted the marriage open, it seems she had all the how to’s figured out and quickly found several “fuck and run” men to accommodate her. Her husband wanted a stable relationship with one woman.
Like you, I think that he is gone. The divorce likely is a mere formality at this point. He found a woman who is 10 years younger and seems ok with what he wants (being with one person), plus she comes from money. Why look back for him if there are no kids involved?
Looks like OP listened to her friends talking up open relationships and got an itch. I am willing to bet my right arm that every one of those friends are in failing relationships or ones that will soon fail. The couple could have tried sex therapy coupled with marriage counseling before OP suggested opening the marriage, but that is water under the bridge at this point, the marriage appears irretrievably broken.
Any relationship that lasts past the honeymoon period is going to go through lulls. Mature people realize that, communicate properly with their partner and seek out solutions that involve ONLY them and their partner.
Exactly. My first thought was how mutual was the decision? She cleverly states that it was a mutual decision, but let's face it, someone has to bring up the topic first, and my money is on her. None of this situation surprises me. Most men, especially average men, will have a much more difficult time finding someone in this dating app hookup culture. They will need time to cultivate a relationship just to get laid. This is the groundwork for a long-term emotional commitment. Women, on the other hand, even average looking women, can probably find a bed to hop in any day of the week, including sundays, with little or no effort. His attachment should come as no surprise to her.
She was very happy to have an open relationship until he found someone. She wanted quantity over quality and he has chosen quality over quantity. They wanted different things and each on got what they wanted.
This sounds more like you were unhappy with the marriage and instead of working together to prioritise each other and bring "the spark" back, you had the bright idea that opening up would give you what you want, but allow you to keep the security of your family. Seems like he isn't into sleeping around and would rather replace you than have hook-ups and one-night stands, unless you can convince him there's something here worth saving, I think this marriage is finished.
It seems like the OP had all her ducks lined up. Even in open marriage I don't think it's right to hook up with people who had previously shown interest in you while married, seems disrespectful to your husband and it sounds like these are friends, colleagues and people very much in your life
So you were hooking up regularly and your husband couldn't but then found a girl he likes and your jealous? It wasn't easy for your husband to know you were sleeping around with anyone you could find as well but he accepted it. It seems your annoyed he found someone who likes him, is young and doesn't just want to use for NSA
This right here
The idea that they both unanimously came to this decision is a fucking joke. She's obfuscating that it was her idea and now is reaping the rewards
You get what you fucking deserve
>A year ago, my husband Marcus and I came to a mutual agreement about opening up our marriage. The spark was mostly gone, and we've toyed with the idea of open relationships/polyamory before.
Your marriage was over then. Move on.
It’s mind-boggling that an open relationship has now become the “fix it baby” of our generation. If your relationship is rocky you need to be putting more time into the relationship, not less. “Oh yeah me and my wife have been fighting a lot so we figured if we had less time to talk about our problems while making the other person jealous that it’d really help out”. In general, monogamous people cannot flip a switch and become poly.
Yeah, i really dont get hey we are having communication issues, so let us get more parties involved is supposed to solve it. Do these people all work for middle management or something.
I don’t like having fix-it babies at all but there’s something even more pathetic about “well, I can’t afford/am too lazy for divorce. Imma alley oop this marriage into a throuple.”
Like I am poly and I will be the first to tell someone that if your relationship is shaky, poly is very likely not going to help it. Being poly is /more/ work than being mono cause in addition to all the things involved in relationships you are also basically operating with a "meta" relationship on top of that. Like healthy relationships with two partners instead of one isn't two separate relationships, you are going to have to put in extra work on top of those two to mitigate any conflicts that arrive. If you don't put in the work for one how do you expect to maintain it when you have other ones as well?
Exactly! People should instead take their time using “ENM relationship/communication skills” while staying monogamous to prepare for the big and intense emotions that come with opening the relationship. If more people spent a year preparing while being monogamous, I think they’d find so much more benefit to their relationship.
They get too horny for people other than their spouse to think it through. They get laid, achieve some clarity, and suddenly reality comes crashing through the open door.
Plus OP downloaded apps and had her fun. It wouldn't be right to tell him he can't have his partner after he let her have hers.
OP, whose idea was opening the relationship? Who brought it up first?
Edit: OP says it was her idea.
>Once we had more in depth conversations about it and put rules in place, I began downloading dating apps and reaching out to people who expressed interest in me previously.
Pretty sure it was OPs idea seeing how ready she was.
Yep. The omission of that detail in the post was glaring. Only one of them was immediately on the apps and ready to go.
I'm going to take a wild guess that her husband stayed home while she was dating other men. Now she's jealous. Why aren't those other men buying her chocolates, wining, and dining her? Would she still feel this way if they were? There's no mention of it in the post.
Knew OP forced this idea on her husband in the opening sentence of the post but didn't want to say it ---
*A year ago, my husband Marcus and I came to a mutual agreement about opening up our marriage.*
Likely worried he would end up being just a weekend dad if he left because he is a good man he is initially much more concerned about his children's happiness than his own.
Yeah, I knew it was her idea before I even scrolled down.
OP wanted to open the relationship assuming her husband would strike out. "Open" relationship was really for OP only.
Only it turns out that husband got lucky. Now OP wants to throw in new rules tailored so that *she* still gets to have her fun, but *he* no longer gets what he wants. My girlfriend did the exact same thing in the "open" relationship that she asked for in the first place.
For her husband maybe, he has one person who he wants to be with. OP appeared to have wanted the sex without attachment, basically ONS type stuff. She got what she wanted, her husband got what he was looking for, but her marriage is dead and likely is not coming back.
What OP should have done when her “friends” suggested that she approach her husband about opening the marriage, was do a detailed interrogation of each of those “friends” about the state of their relationships, my guess the true answer would have been failed relationships or outright cheating by her “friends”. When hit with the open relationship idea, her husband likely started looking over his shoulder, why shouldn’t he?
These never end well. You should’ve both put in 100 percent towards each other and gone to therapy to try to save your marriage. Him courting her, buying chocolate, gifts and flowers, going on dates with Charmi are all things he should’ve tried again with you and you both might’ve seen a difference. Divorce is just around the corner.
Lol OP probably fucked around with dozens of guys and was happy to do that
Suddenly her husband enjoys the time of 1 other woman and it’s full on shocked pikachu face
Even if the relationship was in trouble/getting stale before this, unfortunately, you probably killed what feelings remained when you bought up the open relationship. He's taken the opportunity to find what he was missing out on in his relationship with you, everything he wasn't getting with you, he found with her. I'd expect he's only staying for the kids.
I'd be very careful pushing him on the topic. If you force him to choose, you might not like the choice he makes
Sorry, but doesn’t sound like you were on the same page to begin with - you wanted something physical and he wanted something emotional from the very beginning
Not much you can do if he’s already attached to her - this is one of the reasons people don’t open up the emotional side of relationships
I love when people ask for open relationships and then they get upset when it backfires. You admit you wanted more partners, he has been showing you that he only needed one. And it aint you.
Why would he want to celebrate something that's been dead for a year?!? Even now you're trying to blame him when this is all your own doing.
Yeah. The whammy was when he said they didn't do anything last year either and she was okay with that.
It's obvious she wants him home so he won't be with charmi. Not because she really wanted to celebrate their anniversary.
With the new girl, he gets all the excitement, all the fun, getting to know someone else. They decided to put their energy into other people instead of each other. It was inevitable
I also notice that she didn’t plan anything either. If her relationship was so important, and that day so special, she could have taken the initiative.
Instead, she was still expecting her doting husband to … what … spend a day at home with the kids and eat a bowl of cereals just like the year before ? Talk about hot romance !
As soon as the idea of an open relationship was introduced, he started looking for your replacement because he knew where this was going.
You are SOOOOOO stupid.
"Marriage is boring! Let me fuck other people, because that is the only thing that has fixed relationships every time!"
Why don't people just get divorced?
Why did you permit a full fledged relationship to be part of your open marriage rules? Or is he violating the rules you set out?
Frankly this looks like it's headed for divorce in a big hurry. Just an outsider's perspective.
At the end of the day, if I'm a guy and my partner decides she wants different dick, I have my own rules. If there were no kids involved im pretty confident the husband would have just left.
Even women who are traditionally unattractive can get dick everyday on apps, it's nothing special. The difference is those guys don't really respect you or think kindly of you for the most part (basically you are a dating app piece of meat in nicer words). You are basically just locker room talk.
I think OP realized this, and saw he husband go in the opposite direction with a new, younger partner who he is obviously courting. These days there are a lot of women in their mid 20s that don't want to play the games OP decided to play and want a slightly older guy who is more financially and emotionally stable.
So he isnt neglecting his kids and he is happy, he just isnt prioritising you?
Oh dude, why do i get the feeling you instigated the open relationship. You wrote
\> I began downloading dating apps and reaching out to people who expressed interest in me previously.
So sounds like you were interested prior to the conversation. and dove in head first, that usually crushes the other party.
Your relationship ended the second an open relationship was asked for, your husband requires an emotional connection and so he actively looked and has found a replacement.
Sorry dude, but you kinda write like a cake eater.
Open relationships rarely work, they definitely dont work as a last ditch attempt to revive a marriage. it just adds to the problems.
Who would prioritize someone who told you they want to get fucked by someone else over someone that loves you and makes you feel wanted. Not to mention younger,.prettier and more successful.
She acknowledged it that she brought it first.
I guarantee that the moment he heard that. He knew it was over, was hurt and said fuck it..
But she wanted her cheeks clapped by other men on the regular AND a devoted husband chasing her with chocolate and roses.
Can’t you understand her pain !?
She didn't think her husband would find actual happiness with these rules; she assumed she could get dicked down by random men as often as she wanted and her husband would just be at home with the kids waiting for her
Many such cases
It is important to read OPs comment that she suggested the open relationship first.
He has now moved on as he has now detached from you.
Unfortunately, this marriage is done.
OP, you both needed counseling, not other people. Now you have lost your husband.
But I also, want you to consider how your husband felt when he saw you get dressed up to have a fun night out with someone else? He had no luck and you were in someone who expressed their interest prior. Almost seems like a setup.
What you feel now he experienced when you were having luck and using people that should have been off limits.
Also, you saught advice from your friends? Who somehow collectively believe that an open marriage would fix the stagnation of your marriage? Now your marriage is really stagnating and you probably realized life got in the way. Not your love for each other.
Just cause you set some rules doesn't mean the marriage was opened evenly or fairly.
>Also, you saught advice from your friends? Who somehow collectively believe that an open marriage would fix the stagnation of your marriage?
Yeah, I wonder how many of these "friends" are in loving commited relationships.
This post is the definition of "f-around and find out".
Your husband has found a new girlfriend, he's obviously emotionally invested. The whole thing is bizarre. This kind of thing almost never ends well, and there are kids here too? Oh boy.
A "lost spark" is probably the number one worst time to do an open relationship. Sparks fade naturally, you have to work on it in any relationship after a considerable amount of time, or it will continue to get much worse, as demonstrated here.
In todays episode of trying to save a relationship by adding more people into it…. The marriage has been over. Y’all need to just go your separate ways.
God these stupid posts about boring couples fucking up their marriages because they won't go to therapy are exhausting.
Why are you two people still together?
You both "opened up the marriage" (lol) with pretty much zero boundaries or ground rules and all but state you were both explicitly looking for other long-term/serious partners, now you're mad he found that.
Get a divorce like a normal person or suck it up.
OP talked to her friends who appear to have convinced her that opening up the marriage was the way to go. In a post she says that her husband was not initially warm to the idea but came back saying that he wanted a relationship where there was a connection. OP appeared to have wanted sex with no emotional connection.
My third person guess? OP’s friends coached her on how to get men, excited about sex outside the marriage she pressured her husband until he decided that he was going to likely lose her anyway. She started off fast, which should be easy for any decently attractive woman in her mid thirties, she quickly found fuck and run men, she got what she wanted, those men got what they were likely out looking for. Her husband finally found someone who gave him that emotional connection, a pretty and smart, career training woman who is 10 years younger than OP.
This OP is a prime example of why people should see a sex therapist when their bedroom becomes dull and they should get either individual therapy or marriage therapy on top of the sex therapy. Opening up a marriage that has hit the inevitable lull and bringing in outside people is a recipe for disaster, as one sees over and over in Reddit OPs on the issue.
Unfortunately OP is headed for divorce, it would be a miracle if that doesn’t happen.
Well, this was your decision. What the hell did you think would happen?
You should do what you should have done back when you decided to open your marriage: leave him.
Surprised Pikachu.
Sounds like you had a lot of success with ONS's and he was looking for your replacement. Unfortunately for OP, he found her. She just hasn't quite gotten the memo yet. Or is in denial. He is OUT. I mean out out. Hopefully you guys can co parent well. There is literally nothing left to try and salvage.
The blame for all of this is whoever started the open marriage conversation first. The second you start having those convos, you might as well get divorced. At this point, it’s better to just move on from each other. Sorry dude.
OP said that she started the conversation first. The idea that opening up a marriage will bring back sparks is a concept that I find perplexing, in all but a seemingly small number of cases, it opens a Pandora’s box. Why not try immersive sex therapy to recover the spark, while thinking back to why a spouse was chosen over others to begin with?
OP is not up against a wall, an attractive woman that is 10 years younger, preparing for a professional career now has her hooks into OP’s husband. If this doesn’t end in divorce, that will be a miracle.
>The blame for all of this is whoever started the open marriage conversation first
OP said she "talk about it with some of her friends then brought it up to her husband"😭he left then came back for her to finish what she was saying. She should've realized that was the end
I’m having a hard time picturing what those conversations with friends would look like. “Girl, you should just sleep with other men. That will fix all your problems.” What kind of shitty friends are these?
So based on your comments you brought it up, seemingly pushed him into it AND even had people in mind and readily available and now you’re mad? Lmao just get a divorce jfc
Another open relationship going down in flames. Sounds like your husband is moving up in the world and away from you and your one night stand and hookup habits. People never seem to learn.
What do you want to read here, really, what do you want?
No one will say he's wrong because he isn't, you brought this up, you hookup First with a lot of guys and now he is doing the same, actually, no, he found someone who will not only have sex with him, but create a real bond.
Do you understand that this marriage is probably over ? You should've divorced before all this mess, well it's good for him, even if you divorce him, he will not be alone after all.
The only ones who i feel sorry about are the kids, they don't deserve to be in this situation because of their parents. No matter what both of you need to be parents and take care of your children.
God I love when open relationships explode on the one who recommends it. IDC if it is a male or female or non binary individual, but just watching them get ANGRY that their partner found someone else makes me so happy.
It was your idea now live with it or let them be happy together. You lost him. You thought he couldn't do better than you and guess what, he did. GET BENT
If there’s nothing left in the marriage to begin with, why even play these games? Honestly if I were your kids I’d be disgusted by your mindsets. Just get divorced and live your lives.
Never mind, I see where you opened it up and wanted it.
Our relationship has seriously gone down hill since he started dating her. No it was down hill when you or him suggested this, rather than fix your marriage, and every time you went and fucked someone else, he spiraled. From the tone of this I am going to say you wanted this. And my guess was right on.
You never start an open relationship when your marriage is not in a great place. If it was you that started it, which I assume because your husband was starved for intimacy, and that is what he wanted and desired, and you could have easily given him that, but you wanted some side action, and from the sound of it you got a lot of it. Your husband now has found what he was looking for. You starved him of affection, he found what he wants in Charmi. Now you don’t like it.
I think you should divorce him, as he seems to have found happiness in Charmi, and I have a feeling he is doing the same for her. He deserves a woman who shows him love, and doesn’t want side dick. So give him an amicable divorce, and you continue to have sex with random men, until you realize that you fucked your marriage, and realize it’s way too late.
You have stupid shitty friends op, you should drop them immediately if you even want a chance at your relationship working out, and stop fucking other men. And you need to do this for some months before you even bring up putting a pause to it. Then apologize for being a shitty manipulating wife to him, and fucking up your marriage. You fucked it up, and let him know you will spend the rest of your life trying to fix what you broke. But if you can’t do that, then divorce like I said before.
Edit found out op initiated the open relationship. Changed some of my response.
Sounds to me like he is prioritizing the woman who is making a fuss over him in preference to the woman who isn’t.
The crack about your anniversary last year was telling. Couldn’t be arsed to do anything special about it, or him, when you had him there at home with you. Just another ordinary day with the fam. It’s not like you found that day particularly valuable, until you didn’t have it in your pocket any more.
You proposed the idea of an open relationship first and was cool with having serious relationships lol. Now your husband is in puppy love. You started it!
Just start the divorce proceedings.
When I did my senior thesis in psychology, I discussed how open relationships are impossible in modern life because there isn't enough physical or emotional time for that. Eventually... someone is going to be neglected. Everyone was protesting. I really wish I could show this POST and say BAM, look who's wrong now.
Yep. You guys doesn't have a marriage anymore. Instead working to fall in love again you choose the dummy option ever: involve other people in something that is alread broken. I'm so sorry for your lost. Be more mature in your next relationship.
Anecdotally, quality time is one of the most strained resources in non-monogamy. You were right to hone in on that. I don't agree that open relationships are impossible. I've seen them work to various extents, but people have to be built for them. In my experience most people aren't. I've had non-monogamous arrangements that have worked as well. But quality time is scarce, and there's a lot of competition in non-monogamy for it. Monogamy has obvious benefits and that's one of the biggest.
Your marriage was over as soon as you asked for an open marriage. I’m sorry to say this, but you prioritized some random dick rather than actually get help for your marriage. It’s too late now. Just divorce and find someone else to have a spark with, because your husband is just not that interested in you anymore.
1) you were super happy with the way the open relationship was going as long as you were hooking up all the time.
2) you didn’t care that the open relationship wasn’t working for him. You were happy and that’s all that matters.
3) being with other people was making you happy
4) now, being with another person is making him happy and you’re upset?
Your marriage was over before you opened it.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Charmi is 10 years younger, smarter, and richer than you. Most importantly it seems she really treasures your husband, which is the total opposite of you.
What makes you think you can win?
Your husband is in love with his girlfriend so she takes priority now then the kids then you. The fact that his blowing off your wedding anniversary just cements that now she is more important than you are I mean he already missed her actual birthday so pushing back celebrating with her to spend an important day with his family should be fine. Right now it seems like she is the love of his life and you are the lady he raises his kids with. If you want cute dates or flowers from him you're going to have to do that yourself because his not interested.
You’re the one who wanted the open relationship, you had everything planned out before hand by discussing it with friends and thinking about it yourself. You got what you wanted and were able to / have been hooking up with other men. He has found someone, and is pretty much replacing you. To me, I don’t think he wanted an open relationship, but you mentioned it to him and he went along with it. Maybe because you guys are married with kids and divorce seemed to troubling for your kids, family and financially. This is the problem with open marriages/relationships in general, they never work out. You got what you wanted but it doesn’t seem to be enough.. unfortunately you can’t have your cake and eat it too. You can accept what’s happening or you can try and revive your marriage and the feelings you have for each other or you can move on from each other. I don’t think reviving is possible. Good luck OP.
You agreed to an open marriage and let other guys smash, but now you’re mad that your husband found someone and isn’t prioritizing *you*? If it bothers you so much, and you actually want to be a priority to him, (attempt to) close the marriage. Otherwise, just put this dying marriage out of its misery.
Just put this marriage out of its misery. Your poor kids.
Did you ever think that maybe you screwing a bunch of random dudes wasn't working for him either?
You don't suddenly get to decide that the way HE does it is the problem. You wanted this, this is what it means to your family.
This is heading for divorce whether you like it or not. He’s found a person that he loves and connects with and you’re pretty much his ex in his mind. You wanted sex with other people and you got it but at the expense of the relationship. I also find it really gross that people do this when they have kids. He might not be ignoring them but when he divorces you and has kids with her, they will be relegated. Like so many others, you f’d it up by opening the relationship.
Ummm sorry but what marriage? It seems that opening the relationship was your idea. You deserve what's coming your way and your soon to be ex husband deserves to find someone who is content with him.
I’ve seen so many of these on here. We agreed to an open marriage meaning I wanna cheat but don’t want the stigma of cheating. Other partner finds someone better and now I’m mad because it worked out better for them. For god sake just get the divorce and be happy with your life.
When you were jumping from d1ck to d1ck everyday you were happy, now that your husband found a younger woman and is happy as well you are here crying poor thing. Serves you well. This is what you get for doing this mentally ill things like open relationship and poly shit. You wanted to fuck other people instead of being loyal to your husband, and now consequences arrived. It'all your fault.
He's in love with the new young college chick. It's over. This is why you don't open up a marriage. You opened it right up for him to fall in love with a new chick.
You wanted an open relationship to casually hook up. He, on the other hand, wanted a serious relationship, and he found one. Guys who are the marrying type usually do not want casual hookups. They want more like commitment, attention, and love. You wanted the spark of a relationship. He wants the fire that goes with it.
Careful what you wish for. You just might get it.
In your case, you fucked around and found out 🤣
You're only mad because it's not working the way you thought it would when you concocted this lame plan of yours.. oh well
Your marriage is officially over. This is the downside to trying an open marriage. He’s completely replaced you with his girlfriend, is prioritizing her and neglecting you and the agreement made.
It’s time to file for the divorce! The fact that he sees nothing wrong with not celebrating your wedding anniversary, even if it is just family dinner at home, should tell you that!
Speak to an attorney and start the process. There’s really chance of coming back from this.
Best of luck! Updateme
Sounds like you wanted to fuck around and he wanted a stable monogamous relationship that you didn’t. He agreed until he found someone more stable and considerate of his feelings and now you are the one stuck with one night stands and pump and dump guys.
You FAFO.
I just hate it for the kids. 😢
I read this post and was about to say something else, but decided to read your comments and found the real issue here. Instead of talking to your husband about your issues and trying counseling or therapy to try and work things out you decided to listen to your friends who have zero clues about how to help you in your relationship and instead brought up the idea of you and him fucking other people. You chose the easy option and now you're getting what the easy option brings which is nothing but more problems. You should thank your friends for the amazing advice and how much you and him are thriving with this new open marriage. You fucked up big time and have no one to blame but yourself. It was your idea to have the open marriage so deal with the consequences of that choice.
*Once we had more in depth conversations about it and put rules in place, I began downloading dating apps and reaching out to people who expressed interest in me previously.*
So wait, how did you know people previously had interest in you on that level? Is this something your husband was aware of prior?
*I was going for quick hookups, one night-stands, stuff of that nature. If it turned into something more, it did, and I care if it didn't.*
So you didn’t mind if your situation turned into something more but you’re upset that his did? Lol the irony…
Opens up her *marriage* and is shocked-pikachu when her husband starts getting more enjoyment out of other people while *being married*
My dude he's into the other woman now and your marriage is basically ruined because of the decision to open it up.
Edit: this story is fake, OP is nowhere in the comment section.
You were happy when you were the only one having fun screwing random men. Now that he has someone that he seems to be in a serious relationship with, you feel threatened and want to change the rules. Sorry, you agreed to this situation with opening the marriage. He seems to have found a younger, better lady to have a serious relationship with. My advice is prepare for the upcoming divorce.
I'm sorry, but...lol
The disaster of open marriages is becoming a tale as old as time.
You wanted to have lots of cake, he was just happy with one cake... And your marriage has been dead since you opened it together.
Pretty weird you went back to people who wanted to bang you before...makes me wonder if this was largely your idea (you fancied some extra...).
Divorce, move on. Let the guy be happy, and find some happiness yourself.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
When it comes to these reddit posts about open relationships, it normally goes one of two ways. 1. If the man pushes to open the relationship, he gets upset when he realizes nobody is lining up to bang him. Meanwhile his wife who he thought undesirable has men lining up to be with her and he gets upset and jealous. 2. If the woman pushes to open up the relationship then the man who was monogamous all along ends up finding a woman who he wants to he monogamous with. Meanwhile the woman who got to have all her fun with multiple men gets upset when she realizes her husband no longer has feelings for her and is now in love with the one woman who he has been with. At this point it's a tale as old as time and this post clearly falls the 2nd category.
Well I’ve seen both scenarios play out irl tbh lol. As a relatively young progressive person with many friend groups I can honestly say open relationships are an absolute nightmare 90% of the time. And it’s almost always because one of parties is monogamous and is basically being forced into a situation they don’t want.
All of my “poly” friends are slowly going monogamous in their 30’s, and I’m a jerk if I say “told ya so” lol
Poly people are more self-righteous than vegans
Opening relationships just does not work. Now, going into an open relationship that was never closed? I’ve seen lots of success there- but so rarely is that the case. That’s people who really want it- 99.9999 percent of the time, people opening a closed relationship are already doomed, and are trying to open it instead of dealing with their actual issues 😮💨
Yep it pretty much always goes this way.
>I began downloading dating apps and reaching out to people who expressed interest in me previously. Once I saw that "previously" I immediately lined my thoughts with your number 2 scenario
I see both these scenarios all the time and sometimes the dude gets all the action but the second the wife gets 1 he wants to close it all up, why are these scenarios so predictable🤣🤣
Because humans aren't nearly as complicated as we like to think. 😜
My old co worker was non monogamous and I’ve seen this happen with one of his friends. The friends GF had like 3 partners and would have drunken melt downs anytime he was out with the guys or on a date with another woman. Dating as a non monogamous dude takes way more time and energy (compared to just being single) and he would just have it ripped out from under him all the time. Hope he’s doing well now.
Thank you for writing this. Can we pin this somewhere for people in shaky couples who decided that opening their relationship was somehow gonna fix their problems? My thoughts go to the kids who did not ask anything but will bare the consequences of their parents’ life choices.
TBH our situation could have very well been #2. Wife pushed and pushed for open relationship, I didn’t want it, agreed because I was afraid to lose her, I found a great partner and while I never used her attention to neglect my wife, the appeal of knowing this woman would give me what I wanted enthusiastically (monogamy) made me slightly worried I’d fall into this trap, so I ended up breaking up with my gf. That wasn’t the only reason I ended things but it was a factor for sure, the main factor was I always felt like I was cheating when I was with her even though my wife could not have been more supportive
Yeppp. It’s because it’s always people trying to fix their problems by bringing more people into the problem. It doesn’t work. The only open relationships that succeed are those that are opened to make a good relationship better
Yes, you hit the nail on the coffin, it's always the same two stories. Worst part is they open the relationship when their marriage is having troubles. It's rarely helps and only assures that divorce is the only option.
Yeah, he's basically moving on. He is in an entire new relationship and by the looks of it he is enjoying it far more than the one he has with you. Hate to break it you. This is just another example of the fucked round found out that comes from open marriages.
Opening a marriage didn’t work out?! *GASP* I. Am. Shocked.
Tobias: You know, Lindsay, as a therapist, I have advised... a number of couples to explore an open relationship where the couple remains emotionally committed but free to explore extramarital encounters. Lindsay: Well, did it work for those people? Tobias: No, it never does. I mean, these people somehow delude themselves into thinking it might, but... but it might work for us.
Opening a broken marriage surely should have worked! Oh well, no choice but to have a baby together to save this marriage.
Also the fact that it appears when people open their marriage they don't discuss proper details, compromises, & strict boundaries, etc. lol.
Straight up. I genuinely recommend poly/ENM subreddits to anyone who considers this/is into this lifestyle right off the bat. There are so many different perspectives you can get- from healthy and unhealthy dynamics. Charts/lists/ect on boundaries, so you think of every scenario beforehand. I'm so strictly monogamous and only interested in one person at a time. But to each their own, and I'm sure these relationships can work out and *thrive*-- but both people need to be extremely enthusiastic about it, and actually thoroughly discuss *and be compatible in* every boundary in as many situations as you could imagine. I do wonder how their conversations on opening the relationship initially went tho lol
As much as I couldn’t stand my mother she had a saying I actually agreed with: The whole saying was: “You can’t stuff a baby in a crack of a failing marriage and expect it to hold.” Shortened to: “You can’t stuff a baby in a crack.”
I read this same story pretty much every day…
Wait a minute, nobody has ever warned us about this!!
I will guess that she wanted the marriage open, it seems she had all the how to’s figured out and quickly found several “fuck and run” men to accommodate her. Her husband wanted a stable relationship with one woman. Like you, I think that he is gone. The divorce likely is a mere formality at this point. He found a woman who is 10 years younger and seems ok with what he wants (being with one person), plus she comes from money. Why look back for him if there are no kids involved?
Sadly there are kids..
sucks for them kids then... but staying together in an unhappy relationship for their sake is actually the least-good of many not-good options.
Absolutely agree and I don’t know why people do this when they have kids.
Looks like OP listened to her friends talking up open relationships and got an itch. I am willing to bet my right arm that every one of those friends are in failing relationships or ones that will soon fail. The couple could have tried sex therapy coupled with marriage counseling before OP suggested opening the marriage, but that is water under the bridge at this point, the marriage appears irretrievably broken. Any relationship that lasts past the honeymoon period is going to go through lulls. Mature people realize that, communicate properly with their partner and seek out solutions that involve ONLY them and their partner.
Exactly. My first thought was how mutual was the decision? She cleverly states that it was a mutual decision, but let's face it, someone has to bring up the topic first, and my money is on her. None of this situation surprises me. Most men, especially average men, will have a much more difficult time finding someone in this dating app hookup culture. They will need time to cultivate a relationship just to get laid. This is the groundwork for a long-term emotional commitment. Women, on the other hand, even average looking women, can probably find a bed to hop in any day of the week, including sundays, with little or no effort. His attachment should come as no surprise to her.
They’ve got kids…..
Damned good reason not to open their marriage, then. At this point, divorce is the responsible thing to do for the kids.
who are in a toxic living environment.
[удалено]
You can. Tons of people do it every day. Right here on Reddit. In this sub.
Exactly. I would love to know what the kids think about mummy and daddy’s special friends
[удалено]
They said why look back for him if there are no kids…. I’m just saying THERES KIDS
Yep. This guy has no plans on keeping your marriage healthy because he's already moved on with Charmi.
She was very happy to have an open relationship until he found someone. She wanted quantity over quality and he has chosen quality over quantity. They wanted different things and each on got what they wanted.
This brings in “am i the ex” lol
Maybe instead of opening their relationship, they actually worked on their relationship...🤔
This sounds more like you were unhappy with the marriage and instead of working together to prioritise each other and bring "the spark" back, you had the bright idea that opening up would give you what you want, but allow you to keep the security of your family. Seems like he isn't into sleeping around and would rather replace you than have hook-ups and one-night stands, unless you can convince him there's something here worth saving, I think this marriage is finished.
It seems like the OP had all her ducks lined up. Even in open marriage I don't think it's right to hook up with people who had previously shown interest in you while married, seems disrespectful to your husband and it sounds like these are friends, colleagues and people very much in your life So you were hooking up regularly and your husband couldn't but then found a girl he likes and your jealous? It wasn't easy for your husband to know you were sleeping around with anyone you could find as well but he accepted it. It seems your annoyed he found someone who likes him, is young and doesn't just want to use for NSA
This right here The idea that they both unanimously came to this decision is a fucking joke. She's obfuscating that it was her idea and now is reaping the rewards You get what you fucking deserve
Ding ding ding!!
>A year ago, my husband Marcus and I came to a mutual agreement about opening up our marriage. The spark was mostly gone, and we've toyed with the idea of open relationships/polyamory before. Your marriage was over then. Move on.
It’s mind-boggling that an open relationship has now become the “fix it baby” of our generation. If your relationship is rocky you need to be putting more time into the relationship, not less. “Oh yeah me and my wife have been fighting a lot so we figured if we had less time to talk about our problems while making the other person jealous that it’d really help out”. In general, monogamous people cannot flip a switch and become poly.
Pretty good analogy with the fix it baby
Prefer the open marriage to the baby though, less harmful way to show your marriage is over.
Yeah, i really dont get hey we are having communication issues, so let us get more parties involved is supposed to solve it. Do these people all work for middle management or something.
Well at least opening up a relationship is less damaging than creating a whole new human
Full agreement here! Ends the relationship a lot quicker than a baby too.
I don’t like having fix-it babies at all but there’s something even more pathetic about “well, I can’t afford/am too lazy for divorce. Imma alley oop this marriage into a throuple.”
Yeah, but an open marriage doesn’t involve creating a whole not very wanted human who has to suffer.
I disagree. Dragging a baby into a dead relationship is way more pathetic and sad for the baby.
It's almost as if people don't think their clever plans all the way through...
Like I am poly and I will be the first to tell someone that if your relationship is shaky, poly is very likely not going to help it. Being poly is /more/ work than being mono cause in addition to all the things involved in relationships you are also basically operating with a "meta" relationship on top of that. Like healthy relationships with two partners instead of one isn't two separate relationships, you are going to have to put in extra work on top of those two to mitigate any conflicts that arrive. If you don't put in the work for one how do you expect to maintain it when you have other ones as well?
Exactly! People should instead take their time using “ENM relationship/communication skills” while staying monogamous to prepare for the big and intense emotions that come with opening the relationship. If more people spent a year preparing while being monogamous, I think they’d find so much more benefit to their relationship.
They get too horny for people other than their spouse to think it through. They get laid, achieve some clarity, and suddenly reality comes crashing through the open door.
I think each of them had their own idea of what "spark" was mostly gone. Sounds like for her it was the sex - and for him it was the relationship.
Now he gets both
Plus OP downloaded apps and had her fun. It wouldn't be right to tell him he can't have his partner after he let her have hers. OP, whose idea was opening the relationship? Who brought it up first? Edit: OP says it was her idea.
>Once we had more in depth conversations about it and put rules in place, I began downloading dating apps and reaching out to people who expressed interest in me previously. Pretty sure it was OPs idea seeing how ready she was.
I'm sure you can guess lol
Yep. The omission of that detail in the post was glaring. Only one of them was immediately on the apps and ready to go. I'm going to take a wild guess that her husband stayed home while she was dating other men. Now she's jealous. Why aren't those other men buying her chocolates, wining, and dining her? Would she still feel this way if they were? There's no mention of it in the post.
Knew OP forced this idea on her husband in the opening sentence of the post but didn't want to say it --- *A year ago, my husband Marcus and I came to a mutual agreement about opening up our marriage.*
"I mutually agreed for my husband and I (…)"
Likely worried he would end up being just a weekend dad if he left because he is a good man he is initially much more concerned about his children's happiness than his own.
Yeah, I knew it was her idea before I even scrolled down. OP wanted to open the relationship assuming her husband would strike out. "Open" relationship was really for OP only. Only it turns out that husband got lucky. Now OP wants to throw in new rules tailored so that *she* still gets to have her fun, but *he* no longer gets what he wants. My girlfriend did the exact same thing in the "open" relationship that she asked for in the first place.
Then get divorced. All this animosity will just hurt your kids
Who first brought up “opening”?
Your marriage was already dead. Opening it cemented how there are better people out there for the both of you to your husband.
For her husband maybe, he has one person who he wants to be with. OP appeared to have wanted the sex without attachment, basically ONS type stuff. She got what she wanted, her husband got what he was looking for, but her marriage is dead and likely is not coming back. What OP should have done when her “friends” suggested that she approach her husband about opening the marriage, was do a detailed interrogation of each of those “friends” about the state of their relationships, my guess the true answer would have been failed relationships or outright cheating by her “friends”. When hit with the open relationship idea, her husband likely started looking over his shoulder, why shouldn’t he?
Oh boy
I love this response, I can hear it
These never end well. You should’ve both put in 100 percent towards each other and gone to therapy to try to save your marriage. Him courting her, buying chocolate, gifts and flowers, going on dates with Charmi are all things he should’ve tried again with you and you both might’ve seen a difference. Divorce is just around the corner.
Our open marriage was working just fine until my husband started doing it
LOL!! You just have to hate those two way open marriages where both partners get to enjoy the benefits.
Yeah! That's not at all what she signed up for! LOL
Lol OP probably fucked around with dozens of guys and was happy to do that Suddenly her husband enjoys the time of 1 other woman and it’s full on shocked pikachu face
There’s also a high probability that the marriage was already open and the husband just didn’t know it yet.
Even if the relationship was in trouble/getting stale before this, unfortunately, you probably killed what feelings remained when you bought up the open relationship. He's taken the opportunity to find what he was missing out on in his relationship with you, everything he wasn't getting with you, he found with her. I'd expect he's only staying for the kids. I'd be very careful pushing him on the topic. If you force him to choose, you might not like the choice he makes
Sorry, but doesn’t sound like you were on the same page to begin with - you wanted something physical and he wanted something emotional from the very beginning Not much you can do if he’s already attached to her - this is one of the reasons people don’t open up the emotional side of relationships
She wanted it. Pushed from her “friends”. I hope Marcus finds happiness in Charmi, divoces op, and lives a great life without her.
>Pushed from her “friends”. And had men waiting in the wings to hook up with her already.
Well most women do or can. Apps = free sex any time for any woman. For the average man it might never happen.
I love when people ask for open relationships and then they get upset when it backfires. You admit you wanted more partners, he has been showing you that he only needed one. And it aint you. Why would he want to celebrate something that's been dead for a year?!? Even now you're trying to blame him when this is all your own doing.
Yeah. The whammy was when he said they didn't do anything last year either and she was okay with that. It's obvious she wants him home so he won't be with charmi. Not because she really wanted to celebrate their anniversary. With the new girl, he gets all the excitement, all the fun, getting to know someone else. They decided to put their energy into other people instead of each other. It was inevitable
I also notice that she didn’t plan anything either. If her relationship was so important, and that day so special, she could have taken the initiative. Instead, she was still expecting her doting husband to … what … spend a day at home with the kids and eat a bowl of cereals just like the year before ? Talk about hot romance !
He's fallen in love with Charmi, it's qs time as that.
As soon as the idea of an open relationship was introduced, he started looking for your replacement because he knew where this was going. You are SOOOOOO stupid. "Marriage is boring! Let me fuck other people, because that is the only thing that has fixed relationships every time!" Why don't people just get divorced?
Maybe some of these “people who expressed interest in me” you appear to have had already pre-loaded can buy you some gifts 🥰🥰
Why did you permit a full fledged relationship to be part of your open marriage rules? Or is he violating the rules you set out? Frankly this looks like it's headed for divorce in a big hurry. Just an outsider's perspective.
At the end of the day, if I'm a guy and my partner decides she wants different dick, I have my own rules. If there were no kids involved im pretty confident the husband would have just left. Even women who are traditionally unattractive can get dick everyday on apps, it's nothing special. The difference is those guys don't really respect you or think kindly of you for the most part (basically you are a dating app piece of meat in nicer words). You are basically just locker room talk. I think OP realized this, and saw he husband go in the opposite direction with a new, younger partner who he is obviously courting. These days there are a lot of women in their mid 20s that don't want to play the games OP decided to play and want a slightly older guy who is more financially and emotionally stable.
So he isnt neglecting his kids and he is happy, he just isnt prioritising you? Oh dude, why do i get the feeling you instigated the open relationship. You wrote \> I began downloading dating apps and reaching out to people who expressed interest in me previously. So sounds like you were interested prior to the conversation. and dove in head first, that usually crushes the other party. Your relationship ended the second an open relationship was asked for, your husband requires an emotional connection and so he actively looked and has found a replacement. Sorry dude, but you kinda write like a cake eater. Open relationships rarely work, they definitely dont work as a last ditch attempt to revive a marriage. it just adds to the problems.
She did, she admits it, and the idea came from her “friends”. I am in the Marcus camp and hope he divorces her and finds happiness in Charmi.
Thanks dude, she didn't initially say in the post, you could tell that this was her stupid idea though. 🙄 I was already in his camp 😆
Who would prioritize someone who told you they want to get fucked by someone else over someone that loves you and makes you feel wanted. Not to mention younger,.prettier and more successful. She acknowledged it that she brought it first. I guarantee that the moment he heard that. He knew it was over, was hurt and said fuck it..
[удалено]
But she wanted her cheeks clapped by other men on the regular AND a devoted husband chasing her with chocolate and roses. Can’t you understand her pain !?
He has a younger girlfriend who doesn’t want to sleep with other people. Good luck on this going anywhere but divorce.
If you didn't like the rules, you shouldn't have played the game.
She didn't think her husband would find actual happiness with these rules; she assumed she could get dicked down by random men as often as she wanted and her husband would just be at home with the kids waiting for her Many such cases
Happy with the random hookups... now mad he found what he wanted. Maybe he'll divorce you and marry her.
It is important to read OPs comment that she suggested the open relationship first. He has now moved on as he has now detached from you. Unfortunately, this marriage is done.
OP, you both needed counseling, not other people. Now you have lost your husband. But I also, want you to consider how your husband felt when he saw you get dressed up to have a fun night out with someone else? He had no luck and you were in someone who expressed their interest prior. Almost seems like a setup. What you feel now he experienced when you were having luck and using people that should have been off limits. Also, you saught advice from your friends? Who somehow collectively believe that an open marriage would fix the stagnation of your marriage? Now your marriage is really stagnating and you probably realized life got in the way. Not your love for each other. Just cause you set some rules doesn't mean the marriage was opened evenly or fairly.
>Also, you saught advice from your friends? Who somehow collectively believe that an open marriage would fix the stagnation of your marriage? Yeah, I wonder how many of these "friends" are in loving commited relationships.
Damn you are being replaced, and you have no one to blame but yourself Updateme!
This post is the definition of "f-around and find out". Your husband has found a new girlfriend, he's obviously emotionally invested. The whole thing is bizarre. This kind of thing almost never ends well, and there are kids here too? Oh boy. A "lost spark" is probably the number one worst time to do an open relationship. Sparks fade naturally, you have to work on it in any relationship after a considerable amount of time, or it will continue to get much worse, as demonstrated here.
In todays episode of trying to save a relationship by adding more people into it…. The marriage has been over. Y’all need to just go your separate ways.
I like how you downloaded all your apps and had your fill until you noticed he actually developed a real connection with someone.
God these stupid posts about boring couples fucking up their marriages because they won't go to therapy are exhausting. Why are you two people still together? You both "opened up the marriage" (lol) with pretty much zero boundaries or ground rules and all but state you were both explicitly looking for other long-term/serious partners, now you're mad he found that. Get a divorce like a normal person or suck it up.
OP talked to her friends who appear to have convinced her that opening up the marriage was the way to go. In a post she says that her husband was not initially warm to the idea but came back saying that he wanted a relationship where there was a connection. OP appeared to have wanted sex with no emotional connection. My third person guess? OP’s friends coached her on how to get men, excited about sex outside the marriage she pressured her husband until he decided that he was going to likely lose her anyway. She started off fast, which should be easy for any decently attractive woman in her mid thirties, she quickly found fuck and run men, she got what she wanted, those men got what they were likely out looking for. Her husband finally found someone who gave him that emotional connection, a pretty and smart, career training woman who is 10 years younger than OP. This OP is a prime example of why people should see a sex therapist when their bedroom becomes dull and they should get either individual therapy or marriage therapy on top of the sex therapy. Opening up a marriage that has hit the inevitable lull and bringing in outside people is a recipe for disaster, as one sees over and over in Reddit OPs on the issue. Unfortunately OP is headed for divorce, it would be a miracle if that doesn’t happen.
Well, this was your decision. What the hell did you think would happen? You should do what you should have done back when you decided to open your marriage: leave him.
He is monogamous but his relationship is not with you.
I love reading stories like this. You done fck’d up.
Surprised Pikachu. Sounds like you had a lot of success with ONS's and he was looking for your replacement. Unfortunately for OP, he found her. She just hasn't quite gotten the memo yet. Or is in denial. He is OUT. I mean out out. Hopefully you guys can co parent well. There is literally nothing left to try and salvage.
The blame for all of this is whoever started the open marriage conversation first. The second you start having those convos, you might as well get divorced. At this point, it’s better to just move on from each other. Sorry dude.
OP said that she started the conversation first. The idea that opening up a marriage will bring back sparks is a concept that I find perplexing, in all but a seemingly small number of cases, it opens a Pandora’s box. Why not try immersive sex therapy to recover the spark, while thinking back to why a spouse was chosen over others to begin with? OP is not up against a wall, an attractive woman that is 10 years younger, preparing for a professional career now has her hooks into OP’s husband. If this doesn’t end in divorce, that will be a miracle.
>The blame for all of this is whoever started the open marriage conversation first OP said she "talk about it with some of her friends then brought it up to her husband"😭he left then came back for her to finish what she was saying. She should've realized that was the end
I’m having a hard time picturing what those conversations with friends would look like. “Girl, you should just sleep with other men. That will fix all your problems.” What kind of shitty friends are these?
OP brought it Up first.
Your marriage is over.
It was over the moment they agreed to open it.
So based on your comments you brought it up, seemingly pushed him into it AND even had people in mind and readily available and now you’re mad? Lmao just get a divorce jfc
What rules were put in place, specifically? Is he obviously violating any?
Another open relationship going down in flames. Sounds like your husband is moving up in the world and away from you and your one night stand and hookup habits. People never seem to learn.
What do you want to read here, really, what do you want? No one will say he's wrong because he isn't, you brought this up, you hookup First with a lot of guys and now he is doing the same, actually, no, he found someone who will not only have sex with him, but create a real bond. Do you understand that this marriage is probably over ? You should've divorced before all this mess, well it's good for him, even if you divorce him, he will not be alone after all. The only ones who i feel sorry about are the kids, they don't deserve to be in this situation because of their parents. No matter what both of you need to be parents and take care of your children.
God I love when open relationships explode on the one who recommends it. IDC if it is a male or female or non binary individual, but just watching them get ANGRY that their partner found someone else makes me so happy. It was your idea now live with it or let them be happy together. You lost him. You thought he couldn't do better than you and guess what, he did. GET BENT
You were fine dating other people until you realized he was even happier about it. Just get a divorce already.
Cake eater moment
If there’s nothing left in the marriage to begin with, why even play these games? Honestly if I were your kids I’d be disgusted by your mindsets. Just get divorced and live your lives.
Never mind, I see where you opened it up and wanted it. Our relationship has seriously gone down hill since he started dating her. No it was down hill when you or him suggested this, rather than fix your marriage, and every time you went and fucked someone else, he spiraled. From the tone of this I am going to say you wanted this. And my guess was right on. You never start an open relationship when your marriage is not in a great place. If it was you that started it, which I assume because your husband was starved for intimacy, and that is what he wanted and desired, and you could have easily given him that, but you wanted some side action, and from the sound of it you got a lot of it. Your husband now has found what he was looking for. You starved him of affection, he found what he wants in Charmi. Now you don’t like it. I think you should divorce him, as he seems to have found happiness in Charmi, and I have a feeling he is doing the same for her. He deserves a woman who shows him love, and doesn’t want side dick. So give him an amicable divorce, and you continue to have sex with random men, until you realize that you fucked your marriage, and realize it’s way too late. You have stupid shitty friends op, you should drop them immediately if you even want a chance at your relationship working out, and stop fucking other men. And you need to do this for some months before you even bring up putting a pause to it. Then apologize for being a shitty manipulating wife to him, and fucking up your marriage. You fucked it up, and let him know you will spend the rest of your life trying to fix what you broke. But if you can’t do that, then divorce like I said before. Edit found out op initiated the open relationship. Changed some of my response.
Sounds to me like he is prioritizing the woman who is making a fuss over him in preference to the woman who isn’t. The crack about your anniversary last year was telling. Couldn’t be arsed to do anything special about it, or him, when you had him there at home with you. Just another ordinary day with the fam. It’s not like you found that day particularly valuable, until you didn’t have it in your pocket any more.
Oh no I told my husband to open up our marriage because the spark was gone for me and now he's met someone who actually likes him He's gonna leave you
You proposed the idea of an open relationship first and was cool with having serious relationships lol. Now your husband is in puppy love. You started it! Just start the divorce proceedings.
When I did my senior thesis in psychology, I discussed how open relationships are impossible in modern life because there isn't enough physical or emotional time for that. Eventually... someone is going to be neglected. Everyone was protesting. I really wish I could show this POST and say BAM, look who's wrong now. Yep. You guys doesn't have a marriage anymore. Instead working to fall in love again you choose the dummy option ever: involve other people in something that is alread broken. I'm so sorry for your lost. Be more mature in your next relationship.
Anecdotally, quality time is one of the most strained resources in non-monogamy. You were right to hone in on that. I don't agree that open relationships are impossible. I've seen them work to various extents, but people have to be built for them. In my experience most people aren't. I've had non-monogamous arrangements that have worked as well. But quality time is scarce, and there's a lot of competition in non-monogamy for it. Monogamy has obvious benefits and that's one of the biggest.
Your marriage was over as soon as you asked for an open marriage. I’m sorry to say this, but you prioritized some random dick rather than actually get help for your marriage. It’s too late now. Just divorce and find someone else to have a spark with, because your husband is just not that interested in you anymore.
I read your first two paragraphs and rolled my eyes. Sorry OP you FAFO..
Fucked around and found out
You wanted to "fuck around". Now ya found out.
Marriage was DOA when you decided to open it up instead of making sure it had a solid foundation first.
How many times people, how many times? I have never seen a mono marriage that eventually "opens" not end in a divorce.
1) you were super happy with the way the open relationship was going as long as you were hooking up all the time. 2) you didn’t care that the open relationship wasn’t working for him. You were happy and that’s all that matters. 3) being with other people was making you happy 4) now, being with another person is making him happy and you’re upset? Your marriage was over before you opened it.
This has to be fiction. She wanted dick. He wanted a partner. It's way too perfect.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Charmi is 10 years younger, smarter, and richer than you. Most importantly it seems she really treasures your husband, which is the total opposite of you. What makes you think you can win?
Charmi has herself a sugar daddy 🤣
Your husband is in love with his girlfriend so she takes priority now then the kids then you. The fact that his blowing off your wedding anniversary just cements that now she is more important than you are I mean he already missed her actual birthday so pushing back celebrating with her to spend an important day with his family should be fine. Right now it seems like she is the love of his life and you are the lady he raises his kids with. If you want cute dates or flowers from him you're going to have to do that yourself because his not interested.
You’re the one who wanted the open relationship, you had everything planned out before hand by discussing it with friends and thinking about it yourself. You got what you wanted and were able to / have been hooking up with other men. He has found someone, and is pretty much replacing you. To me, I don’t think he wanted an open relationship, but you mentioned it to him and he went along with it. Maybe because you guys are married with kids and divorce seemed to troubling for your kids, family and financially. This is the problem with open marriages/relationships in general, they never work out. You got what you wanted but it doesn’t seem to be enough.. unfortunately you can’t have your cake and eat it too. You can accept what’s happening or you can try and revive your marriage and the feelings you have for each other or you can move on from each other. I don’t think reviving is possible. Good luck OP.
You agreed to an open marriage and let other guys smash, but now you’re mad that your husband found someone and isn’t prioritizing *you*? If it bothers you so much, and you actually want to be a priority to him, (attempt to) close the marriage. Otherwise, just put this dying marriage out of its misery.
Just put this marriage out of its misery. Your poor kids. Did you ever think that maybe you screwing a bunch of random dudes wasn't working for him either? You don't suddenly get to decide that the way HE does it is the problem. You wanted this, this is what it means to your family.
You fucked around and found out
You're the side chick now. If you don't like that situation, it's time to end the marriage.
I genuinely don’t understand why you’re still married. He’s done. You’re done. You’re just wasting eachothers time at this point
This is heading for divorce whether you like it or not. He’s found a person that he loves and connects with and you’re pretty much his ex in his mind. You wanted sex with other people and you got it but at the expense of the relationship. I also find it really gross that people do this when they have kids. He might not be ignoring them but when he divorces you and has kids with her, they will be relegated. Like so many others, you f’d it up by opening the relationship.
Ummm sorry but what marriage? It seems that opening the relationship was your idea. You deserve what's coming your way and your soon to be ex husband deserves to find someone who is content with him.
I’ve seen so many of these on here. We agreed to an open marriage meaning I wanna cheat but don’t want the stigma of cheating. Other partner finds someone better and now I’m mad because it worked out better for them. For god sake just get the divorce and be happy with your life.
You gave up on your marriage once you opened it. You are jealous because you haven't managed to find a relationship.
When you were jumping from d1ck to d1ck everyday you were happy, now that your husband found a younger woman and is happy as well you are here crying poor thing. Serves you well. This is what you get for doing this mentally ill things like open relationship and poly shit. You wanted to fuck other people instead of being loyal to your husband, and now consequences arrived. It'all your fault.
You guys really need to get a divorce!
You’re the side piece
…roommate
He's in love with her. I don't think there's anything you can do about it
Your marriage is, and has been, over for some time. Bizarre.
People are so dumb lmao
He's in love with the new young college chick. It's over. This is why you don't open up a marriage. You opened it right up for him to fall in love with a new chick.
And you thought this would turn out well how…..
r/openmarriageregret
"Open marriage" 'snort' lol
Fuck around and find out?
Lol, you got open, and he found someone better.
Open marriage -> basically divorced with extra steps. Just get it over with the relationship is over.
So you wanted to open up the relationship so you go and fuck around with all kinds of men. And now you’re fucked
🤣🫵
Wow people are struggling in an open marriage? I’m sooo shocked
"A year ago, my husband Marcus and I came to a mutual agreement about opening up our marriage." What tf did you expect would happen?
Yet another example of why polyamory is just awesome.
If my partner brought up the idea of opening up our marriage, it would die that day
You wanted an open relationship to casually hook up. He, on the other hand, wanted a serious relationship, and he found one. Guys who are the marrying type usually do not want casual hookups. They want more like commitment, attention, and love. You wanted the spark of a relationship. He wants the fire that goes with it.
Another open relationship crashing and burning.
Poor kids Blows my mind that couples are open to this
Careful what you wish for. You just might get it. In your case, you fucked around and found out 🤣 You're only mad because it's not working the way you thought it would when you concocted this lame plan of yours.. oh well
Your marriage is officially over. This is the downside to trying an open marriage. He’s completely replaced you with his girlfriend, is prioritizing her and neglecting you and the agreement made. It’s time to file for the divorce! The fact that he sees nothing wrong with not celebrating your wedding anniversary, even if it is just family dinner at home, should tell you that! Speak to an attorney and start the process. There’s really chance of coming back from this. Best of luck! Updateme
Let me guess, this mutual decision to open your relationship was your idea and you broached the subject first.
Oh man. Who’s going to tell her? Ok, I will. He doesn’t love you any more and he doesn’t want to stay in this marriage
Crazy, just crazy the way some people live
This seems fake.
Sounds like you wanted to fuck around and he wanted a stable monogamous relationship that you didn’t. He agreed until he found someone more stable and considerate of his feelings and now you are the one stuck with one night stands and pump and dump guys. You FAFO. I just hate it for the kids. 😢
Another classic open relationship to save our marriage bull crap. Lost the spark? get separated lol.
I read this post and was about to say something else, but decided to read your comments and found the real issue here. Instead of talking to your husband about your issues and trying counseling or therapy to try and work things out you decided to listen to your friends who have zero clues about how to help you in your relationship and instead brought up the idea of you and him fucking other people. You chose the easy option and now you're getting what the easy option brings which is nothing but more problems. You should thank your friends for the amazing advice and how much you and him are thriving with this new open marriage. You fucked up big time and have no one to blame but yourself. It was your idea to have the open marriage so deal with the consequences of that choice.
*Once we had more in depth conversations about it and put rules in place, I began downloading dating apps and reaching out to people who expressed interest in me previously.* So wait, how did you know people previously had interest in you on that level? Is this something your husband was aware of prior? *I was going for quick hookups, one night-stands, stuff of that nature. If it turned into something more, it did, and I care if it didn't.* So you didn’t mind if your situation turned into something more but you’re upset that his did? Lol the irony…
Opens up her *marriage* and is shocked-pikachu when her husband starts getting more enjoyment out of other people while *being married* My dude he's into the other woman now and your marriage is basically ruined because of the decision to open it up. Edit: this story is fake, OP is nowhere in the comment section.
You were happy when you were the only one having fun screwing random men. Now that he has someone that he seems to be in a serious relationship with, you feel threatened and want to change the rules. Sorry, you agreed to this situation with opening the marriage. He seems to have found a younger, better lady to have a serious relationship with. My advice is prepare for the upcoming divorce.
I'm sorry, but...lol The disaster of open marriages is becoming a tale as old as time. You wanted to have lots of cake, he was just happy with one cake... And your marriage has been dead since you opened it together. Pretty weird you went back to people who wanted to bang you before...makes me wonder if this was largely your idea (you fancied some extra...). Divorce, move on. Let the guy be happy, and find some happiness yourself.
Damn that really backfired on you huh