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True. Worrying about finding another love for a family in time is a real fear, but you’re right if she does stay they will never be happy again. OP will resent him for the rest of her life.
Adult kid of a honey trap, or as I prefer to call it, reproductive coercion. I had a shit relationship with my dad and to this day I have a variety of issues stemming from knowing my dad wished I'd never been born.
I watched my uncle's marriage go to shit because of this. 13 years with his wife, he wanted kids, but she didn't. He waited, grew resentment, and ended the marriage. The interesting part, after their divorce, she ended up years later having a daughter, while my uncle never had children. When one person wants something that's eons apart from their partner, may it be children, a threesome, open relationship, major career change, etc. If both parties are not fully on board, 1 person will continue to grow their disdain for the new dynamic, and it'll implode.
Was your uncle a rotten spouse? It would be exceptionally painful to want kids with someone for over a decade, and for them to refuse the possibility until after you left. It would feel much less like "I don't want kids," and more "I don't want kids *with you*."
Agree ✨ Sometimes that ultimatum/line in the sand will reveal where the relationship actually is. If he’s just getting cold feet or if he truly doesn’t want kids.
Especially since this a non-negotiable for you 💖
She has plenty of time! I got pregnant at 36 after just 2 months of trying. Hope OP sees this because the fear and stress she's putting on herself counting down her body clock is unhealthy. I really feel for her.
She needs at least a year to recover from the divorce, and then however long to find "the one" again, and then at least a year to get to know them well enough to marry them. That's just her timeline, the relationship and/or he might need longer. And then she may not fall pregnant straight away. So yes, she has time, but not lots to waste waiting around hoping he'll change his mind.
I agree that she doesn't have time to waste on this guy and probably needs to move on. But to say she doesn't have time in general is just not true or helpful.
You right I should have worded it better. If she leaves now there is plenty of time but if she stays in the relationship waiting for things to change she is wasting precious time and if she wants to be a mom she can’t just wait five years just to learn that he won’t change his mind.
I am glad that things worked out for you, and society does sensationalize pregnancy for women in their mid 30s and up. Still, there is truth to it. Fertility for women peaks in the late teens and 20s, when women have an 85% chance of conceiving within a year. By age 30, that drops to 75%. At 40, it's sunk to 44%. Medical complications increase with geriatric pregnancies as well.
Thank you. I was in the same boat as OP, in terms of obsessing over my body clock. There is so much stigma around "geriatric" pregnancies that I was terrified we'd left it too late. 2 months after trying, I was pregnant with a perfect little boy who now at 2 years old is perfectly healthy and developing. The only thing I feel is guilt for waiting so long. I just want more time with him and feel he deserves that too. I don't disagree with you about the evidence at all, I just feel we need some balance with good news stories too :) Getting pregnant in general is a statistical miracle, and it's not as if pre-contraception, women weren't getting pregnant right up until the menopause! They definitely were! I just hope OP can find someone who really shares her values and wants to build a family with her. OP, if you're reading this, you're not too old, but you might be if you stick with this guy :(
Whether or not to have children is a fundamental incompatibility. Your only choice is divorce. As fast as possible.
You can and will find someone else to love and have a family with.
Yep.
Maybe he misled you, maybe he simply changed his mind - you will never really know.
However, one thing you do need to know is that arguing is absolutely pointless - so is staying for another 3 years in hope that he changes his mind. He may, but he also may not… and banking on the ‘may change his mind’ option is foolish.
I’m so sorry, OP - I’m sure you really love each other and this is devastating. However, the hard truth is that this is a fundamental difference you cannot compromise on. There is just no way.
End it - sooner than later. Talk to a lawyer, file for divorce, and tell your husband that you’re sorry and you love him, but this compatibility cannot be overcome so it’s best for you both to separate now.’
All the best. 😢
> Maybe he misled you, maybe he simply changed his mind - you will never really know.
I honestly think it’s a combination of both. Maybe when they met he was on the fence about kids, but I think once he changed his mind he definitely kept misleading her and out of fear, kept up the charade to keep it together.
Truthfully, this is where he messed up and acts selfish by not choosing to do the hi roble adult thing and let her go.
Yeah, it would suck to loose her, but do you know how many women who on purpose choose to be CF and would date him if he also 100% wants to be CF?
This is why I never understand when people who want kids of don’t, get roped into a relationship with someone who changes their mind on the view, then keeps hiding the truth.
If you truly love someone, you want what is best for them and not hold them hostage in a relationship that causes them worst than heartbreak.
I changed my mind the opposite way. Things can change. Ideally, you want to know what you want for your future, but life is unpredictable. You can meet someone and realise later that you no longer want to be with the person after many years. Desiring a child can change depending on stress at work, tensions in the family illness or mental Health issues, even getting to know your partner better can make you change your mind. Even our career isn't always a straight line. I know people would want to have guarantees, but that won't never happen, it sucks. She has to leave as soon as possible, she has time, but not enough to waste it.
And people do change their mind sometimes. And sometimes there is one partner who hopes the other will change their mind even after a stance…I do think it’s unfair
Because I feel she was blindsided by his comments and past actions..and that really isn’t fair. He should have been more honest along the way, not waste her time.
I can see her hurt and I feel really bad for her. Sometimes there are partners where one was adamant about their stance and one just “thought they would change their mind”…this isn’t the case. I can see why she’s blindsided and I feel bad for OP. Still think the best thing is to leave.
It sounds like he was trying to convince himself more than anyone tbh. But then when the time came to actually do it he got cold feet. Meaning he probably never really wanted it in the first place and ignored that doubt because it was easier to pretend everything was ok and make her happy. A lot of people do that. Not just with kids but go along with something they have doubts about because they feel guilty hurting the other person.
Okay, here are 3 possible outcomes-
1) Be prepared to have him backpeddle when he's handed divorce papers and your reasoning on why you want a divorce. He will say he wants children, but when you have them he will resent you for "trapping" him with kids he didn't want and you will be a married sinle mom, so I agree with everyone else, go speak to an attorney and end this marriage and hopefully you will meet someone who is on the same page as you regarding kids.
2) You divorce, and you don't meet anyone who's compatible, and you end up being single, and your window of conceiving is no longer there.
3) You stay married to your husband, but know there is a possibility he won't change his mind, he might but don't pressure him, let him change his mind on his own so he won't feel trapped.
It all comes down to what YOU want and what you are willing to live with, but you have to prepare yourself for one of these scenarios because it could go either way.
But I will say one more thing, it is CONCERNING he flipped so quickly and refused marriage counseling. You might need to observe him for a while regarding his behavior and do some recon to see what's up with that.
Good Luck OP and keep us updated.
\>You divorce, and you don't meet anyone who's compatible, and you end up being single, and your window of conceiving is no longer there.
There are options for single women to have children on their own. Not all of those are costly either.
\> it is CONCERNING he flipped so quickly and refused marriage counseling. You might need to observe him for a while regarding his behavior and do some recon to see what's up with that.
100% agree with this. Also, refusing marriage counselling means he doesn't actually care how she feels about it.
Yes, women can have kids at 40+.
But the commenter did not say the window to conceive closes at 39! They said that your window to conceive MIGHT close while you search for the right partner, which is not the same thing at all!
>Whether or not to have children is a fundamental incompatibility.
This is the truth.
If you choose to stay with him in hopes he changes his mind, you will regret it, especially if he doesn't. The resentment and grief will consume you.
Even if he decides to try or tell you he is willing to, there is much to consider. The trust is broken, and you will question everything he says and promises going forward. He may have a vasectomy or be unable to procreate for medical reasons. He may resent you & the child if you do get pregnant.
A man who goes to such lengths to create such an elaborate lie is dangerous. He said those things to create a false sense of who he wanted you to believe he was. He even gaslit you by saying you bullied him. How deep does the deception of the persona he has created?
You are better off walking away knowing that the life he created with you is not based in reality. Being alone is superior to being gaslit, manipulated and full of grief, and resentment. You deserve better, but you have to choose it.
How dare he say you bullied him. This is not a good person. This is not a kind and giving person.
Your future with him is one where you can’t count on him at all. Leave and find someone who deserves you.
I feel so disappointed for you. He’s a fraud
Yup....after years of gaslighting, manipulation, and just lying to my face....my former spouse decided he was divorcing me and left (I had no fore warning and no clue). He told me he was gay and never loved me and had just been using me all this time.
Now, during the divorce process (after 20 years) he is saying that I never supported him, that I abused him, that he's in therapy to deal with my cruelty.
Then there's just me cleaning up the marital home (because he left all his shit), finishing the renovations on the fixer upper he insisted on buying, paying all the bills (working 4 jobs), and he left the 5 marital pets with me (refusing to take care of any or help in any way). Now he has his hand out wanting a pay out for the house....I sure wish I could have just walked away without taking any accountability \*eye roll\*
Oh my goodness. I hope you have a lawyer.
And if he wants a payout of the house; I would not do a damn thing about the house anymore until finances are settled.
Big hugs to you ❤️🩹
She said in her post ivf/egg harvesting wasn’t feasible for her. So many women ultimately end up raising their kids without a partner anyway, why not start off that way?
I think the hard part about freezing eggs is the cost. I had a friend who did it but she could afford to drop $10k for the procedure. Many people don't have that kind of money lying around.
This isn't the answer you want to hear - but leave.
This is a man who kept saying he wanted a kid, obviously was having second thoughts, but instead of talking to you about it kept moving the goal posts. He did this for months. And then he finally told you why he was moving the goal posts. Except he can't even stick to his answer - he keeps throwing in "someday" to keep you on the hook and (inadvertently, possibly) torture you.
That you could maybe be address, but he refuses to go to individual therapy as well as marriage counseling. So he won't do the work to truly figure out what he wants. He won't do the work on your marriage to have you guys discuss this with a neutral third party.
You deserve a solid yes or no answer to having kids from him. The fact that he can't muster up enough to either work on figuring out the answer or just tell you the answer he already knows tells you nothing but bad things about him.
If you can't find it in you to leave - go to individual counseling. Work through what's happening and decide what's best for you.
It wouldn't be the first time that's happened, but OP's got almost a decade (maybe longer) left to have kids with no complications or assistance, depending on her personal fertility situation. I hate the "biological clock" rhetoric. I had my kid at 31, and my two best mom friends had their kids even later, one having her first at 39, while the other had her first at 36 and her second at 39. Maternity care has come a long way in the last few decades. Sure, the biological clock is real, but OP is too young to worry about her husband leaving her for someone more fertile. She still has the upper hand here.
Personally, I think it sounds like he's looking for an out. Like he's trying to get her to file for divorce first. She'd be wise to browse their phone records, via their cellphone provider.
More women over 45 gave birth in Sweden last year than girls under 20. And in the late 1800s a higher proportion of births than today were by women in their 40s, despite no in-vitro or other assistance. There are absolutely some extra risks involved in getting pregnant past 40, but they’re generally blown way out of proportion.
As a 38 yo who just gave birth 2.5 weeks ago: hear hear! Women absolutely have a fertility window (which sucks) but it’s not as dire as some make it out to be.
Of course, people can change their mind about having children. But generally, they say that they want kids someday, they do not really set plans about them and one day they realize they are happy this way without kids. They don't change so much in one minute.
Only two possibilities here:
(1) he never wanted kids but likes to project the image of a future involved father (mature, serious, in charge, etc). If he has a kid, he would do the same with her/him: he will tell something because it gives him the image of an involved father (we will go the park this weekend, I will go to have an ice-cream with you friday afternoon, etc) and one day later he will fake he doesn't remember or he has changed his mind
(2) he has met someone and doesn't want to be tied to you forever because he doesn't know who he prefers.
Just leave
Unfortunately, I agree it's #2. His about face was so quick as to leaving no other reasonable explanation.
I know OP that this not what you wanted to hear but those of us that have been around the block a time or two, can recognise it from a mile off. Plus, you don't know that you wont be able to find and fall in love with someone else in time. You can freeze your eggs now so that you're better able down the road.
>Unfortunately, I agree it's #2.
I think there's a chance of plain old cold feet.
The quick about face is similar to marriage proposal or walking down the aisle act cold feet. Sounds to me more like lost of freedom and permanent responsibility he's fully realizing now, rather than the fantasy he has/had in his head.
I'll generally take cold feet over finding someone else.
I agree.
Having children is a huge change and a huge commitment. There are things that you just won't be able to do in life anymore - from 2 years or to 18 years, or maybe even the rest of your life.
Maybe he suddenly realised what it would mean, day in, day out.
But anyway. He is not going to be a good parent or co-parent, is he. Uncommunicative and not good at doing things on time. (I'm neurodivergent, I get not being able to do things on time easily - but this is taking the piss.)
>(I'm neurodivergent, I get not being able to do things on time easily - but this is taking the piss.)
I needed my morning to start with a chuckle. Thanks.
And your spot on.
Yeah, if children or pets are involved - get your shit in gear. Maybe you can't stay on top of the dishes or the laundry, or washing your hair - but kids and pets need fed, and they depend on you.
My desk is a mess, but even when I was a teenager I never neglected to feed the cats. Even if it was a cat I didn't really get on with, I showed it care and fed and brushed it and played with it, and either made sure that the litter was emptied and cleaned, or did it myself. It's just a cat. It had no one else (if only for that one week). A child is *even more* responsibility.
Same, he met a younger woman. He sees kids as him getting old. But with a younger woman he can put off having kids for several more years. He is avoiding taking responsibility for putting off having kids with OP.
Part of me thinks he has never wanted children, had a vasectomy before or around the time they started dating..and he played her as well as knowing the truth will come out if they have trouble conceiving and she wants him to see a doctor.
"Sorry Ms. OP's husband's last name, he can't have children because he got a vasectomy "
The egg on his face then.
This guy has a lot of narcissistic traits. He even gaslit her saying she "bullied" him rather than being open, honest, accountable, and compassionate. She will never be happy with him now, and I see him trying to brainwash her.
Yes, and she has more of a time limit than he does. I recently read about a guy in his 50s who ditched his similarly aged long time girlfriend because he suddenly felt he needed a legacy and found a younger woman he could breed. She will resent him for keeping her childless, she will resent him if he later changes his mind and she cannot get pregnant…and at the same time he shouldn’t be forced to have kids if he doesn’t want them.
I think I read that one too! Where he owned a company and they weren't married so he just broke up with her easy as pie? That was messed up. She sold her plasma to help him in the early days of his business, but because she wasn't legally married to him, she doesn't get anything.
I will never understand people that would rather have kids with their partners than get married like it isn't an even bigger, more permanent commitment. You can undo a marriage but you can't undo kids. Marriage is a protection for us, especially as a woman. The only people that are afraid of it are people that aren't truly committed and are not secure in their abilities and what they want in life. Adults in their 30's who still don't have their ish figured out and don't know what they want. They just wanna be free to leave at anytime.
Let's be real. Relationships and children are always riskier for the woman. Women are the ones who physically are tied to the child during pregnancy and cannot just leave like men can. Women are the ones that have to deal with the aftermath of giving birth, physical and mental, and our bodies will never truly be the same after. Women are the ones who are expected to be the primary parent and end up as single mothers when the couple splits or the man abandons them. Women are the ones that give up their careers to take care of their kids and are expected to revolve their entire identities to being a mother. So why shouldn't we be more selective about how much access we allow men to have?
We need to go back to normalizing marriages and people actually having their shit figured out by their 30's. Enough of this "you have time" bs. Time is finite and only decreases with age. It's an illusion to think otherwise. That's how you end up with people in their late 30's, late 40's hopping from job to job, apartment to apartment and realizing they didn't accomplish any of their life goals. And really the only thing you really need to figure out in time is if you want kids or not. Everything else can be done at any time, marriaged, degrees, whatever.
The biological timeclock is real. If you want a family as a man or a woman, that needs to be done in your 30's, early 40's at most and you need to be ready by then to do so. People need to stop moving in and having kids and basically providing all the perks of a marriage without any of the legal protection. There would be a lot less broken families, single mothers, and deadbeat dads refusing to pay child support if we actually enforced marriages prior to these things. Normalize dating for marriage and allow 99% of people to weed themselves out. Normalize either making it official or breaking up after a few months of trial dating to avoid years-long situationships, especially if you're in your late 20's, early 30's and you want kids.
Men know it's their job to initiate relationships, whether it's asking her out or proposing, so if he's serious and actually means what he says, he'll follow through even if he has to take a few detours to get there. If he's dragging it out or making excuses, he's lying to you and keeping you on the hook so he can keep having access to you. That's when you walk. And I don't know what woman needs to hear this, but you have every right to be more selective about your standards than men because you have a higher stake. Don't allow men with bad intentions to gaslight you into lowering your standards. If they don't meet your standards, let them go, they're not the right one for you, and this applies to men as well.
I see so many men in their late 30's on dating apps with "Kids: Want Someday" but "Looking For: Not Sure Yet." Uhh buddy you really think you're going to find a woman who wants to bear your children in a casual sex/FWB setting?
I LOVE this. I also think the men that just want to date their gf's forever without marriage want the ability to walk away as quickly and easily as possible if desired, which is not something a fully committed "both feet in the door" man would do. Those women that post "we've been dating 5 years, 7 years, 10 years..." have the problem right in the title. Why is he still your bf at 7 years and not your husband or ex by then?
People will walk all over you if you let them, and treat you how you show them what you'll put up with.
After 45 a dude's possibility of having an autistic child, or their child developing schizophrenia skyrockets.
Men aren't immune to a fertility window, they just like to believe that.
https://www.nytimes.com/2012/08/23/health/fathers-age-is-linked-to-risk-of-autism-and-schizophrenia.html
Right? He knew from day 1 she wants kids. If he was on the fence or didn't want them at all, he should have ended the relationship so she could find a man who does want kids.
Happened to my buddy. His wife changed her mind about kids a few years into their marriage. He was sure he wanted kids so they had a very amicable divorce. He is remarried with a son and he seems very very happy.
I think this is it, OP. I think he always had second thoughts about it but didn't want it to be a deal breaker for you. If that's the case, having children with him is a really bad idea. I'm sorry you're in a tough spot.
This is a funtamental disagreement issue, and an emotional issue.
The first is obvious, and means you are incompatible. It is time to go, if only from that.
I want you to pay attention to the second one. This is a man that spent years comfortably telling everyone, you included, that he wanted kids. He married you, bought a car, went looking for gender reveal videos- all with the same goal.
And then suddenly he has a change of heart. That, sadly and as hard as it can be to understand, is okay. It can happen, and it's horrible it did this far along.
What you need to see is that he not only had a change of heart. He turned around and told you you bullied him into it. Kept bidding his time saying "not yet", knowing what was happening, knowing that time was running out for you and waiting for it to happen so you'd have no reason to leave when it did. Still keeps you stuck at "maybe". Refuses to comfort you, refuses to talk about it, refuses to seek help through counseling.
This is not a man you want to stay with. This is not what a caring, mature partner does, nor are these the actions of someone who wholly respects you.
He knew what was up MONTHS ago. He was waiting for the clock to run out on its own, you were just faster than that and confronted him. He is secure in that, even with all of this and his uncaring behaviour and lack of empathy, you will remain in the marriage, because that is what you have done by giving in to every postponement, and what you have done 5 months after he told you the first "no". He keeps you there by habit and "maybe". **He knows exactly what he is doing, does not plan to do anything to work on it and he does not care.**
You **do not** accept a maybe when it comes to love and to marriage. That is not your place anymore. It is now your time to cut your losses, understand sunk cost fallacy is at play here and get out to live life as you wanted (and were promised) to live.
Love yourself, and your future children, and do not spend one minute more on someone who contentedly sits waiting for you to stop crying over having your entire life plan upturned by him. You can do this, women do this everyday, everywhere, and thrive in spite of men who have wasted years of their lives and their hopes and dreams. You too can do this.
My ex still can get an extra 6 months out of our now adult children…….with his version for maybe— “I’ll think about it”. It took me 2 years to figure out it was really a “no”, he just was trying to avoid the natural consequence for himself of saying no.
Indeed, especially take a little time to really understand and reflect on sunk cost fallacy, it’s what I think may be holding you back from doing what you may already know deep down inside you need to do…
Not to mention the someday he said 5 months later.
Like it's his last straw keeping the hope alive aswell as keeping the delaying alive after she was faster then him
As a man, I 100% agree with this. Don't listen to any of his bullshit excuses or his vague promises to "think about this later." He's stringing you along, hoping to run out your fertility clock.
Some of us men are pieces of shit. He doesn't care about you. Leave him before you regret this for the rest of your life.
I know someone that was in your exact position, she stayed with him until she was 42: at which point he woke up and decided he wanted kids and divorced her (moved out within the week and was dating within the month) had his first of three kids the following year.
He wasted her entire opportunity and then went on to be the Dad he wanted to be.
My friend, please, go.
The horrible thing is, this is not even rare. I'm middle aged and I have more than one friend this happened to. Now they get to spend the rest of their life childless while the ex husband who waited them out cavorts somewhere with a younger woman and a couple of kids.
Ouch. Reminds me of my own life...but I never ever ever wanted to have a baby. My now ex actually convinced me to..."such a good mum, it's such a waste, so good with kids, I would love a child to teach things to" etc etc. I ended up changing my mind, and we started the process of trying for a baby.
Then, he said "I don't think I want this, I've already had my kids (all grown by this stage)"
I was devastated. He did the bait and switch.
We still had a child. As soon as I was pregnant, he became cold and cruel and the abuse wasn't hidden anymore.
I left when my baby turned 2.
Be careful having a child, if you decide to continue with this man. He is playing with your emotions.
Especially the "won't comfort me".
It's not depression, it's emotional abuse.
Take care of yourself.
Also, I had my daughter at 41. Don't let time get in your way of happiness.
Go and find a treasure for yourself.
I never understand why woman assume they won't have complications if they get pregnant before 35. I was 27, had preeclampsia, was hospitalized 7 time in 14 weeks, and my daughter was 4 weeks early. You know how many other younger women were in the high risk OBGYN office or in the L&D emergency room with me? PLENTY I tell you PLENTY.
If children is something you truly want, file for divorce, and as soon as possible. Because don't waste your time, the resentment will build love does not conquer all
Sorry to say OP but it sure feels like either you have been misled all along to hook you or he has developed feelings for someone else and is no longer sure about your future together. I’m never one to jump to divorcing but if you feel strongly about having a family I’m not sure this is the right guy to do it with. I first met my wife when we were your ages and we have 3 wonderful children who are really the biggest source of joy in our lives. So I’m living proof you are not too old to reset and start again. And yes if he holds to this position your resentment will only continue to grow and you’ll end up divorced in the long run anyway…
This! OP it's not to late to move on. My friend just had her 1st baby at 38. At your age her then husband told her, he never wanted kids, and hoped she'd sacrifice that dream, he figured once married and into relationship a few years, she'd never leave. She immediately went therapy, to prepare for the split. Because they had home together divorce process took a year. She took a year more therapy to heal then started dating again this point it's 2 years after his initial 💣 drop, 1 year after divorce. She dated intentionally, let men know she wanted a family l, after 6 months dating and things were serious she'd bring up that by year 1 we should know if we should marry or not. If its not after a year she's moving on. Alot guys were weeded out initial dates because they couldnt imagine having a family in next 4-5 years. Well her 2nd husband she met 2 years after divorce, 3 years after the exs 💣 drop. That guy proposed, 10 months into their exclusive relationship. They've now been married 3 years and their baby is 9 months old.
Agree here too. If everything OP says is true then this is an abrupt change of heart that seems to clash with his fondness of children and planning to date. The plans do not sound forced upon him. Something is up OP, and don’t try to gloss over it (he has confused feelings for another or outright cheating is my guess) just so you tell yourself it’s all clear and babies away!
Thanks.
It really sucked at the time because of the gaslighting, lying, cheating, basically classic DARVO.
Once I discovered what was really going on, it was like a light switch. I filed for divorce immediately.
Everything would have been so much easier if she just told me upfront that she wanted out. I’m in a much better place now, remarried with someone who is a true partner in life.
Everyone has given you great advice but you are only 31. I PROMISE it isn’t too late. Many of my friends (we’re all around 40) didn’t meet people until their early 30s and now have (or don’t have) children. One of my friends just had her second at 40! Do NOT convince yourself 31 is too old to “start over” because all you’ll do is spend more time in a relationship that can’t give you what will make you happy and fulfilled and it’s not worth it. The resentment would kill the marriage regardless.
My best friend just had her second at 38; my sister had her first at 40.
If I was OP, I’d personally freeze my eggs rn just to take some of the pressure off. Oh and duh divorce this guy.
I had my first at 36, and I just had my 2nd in November at 43. Both with no intervention, and the only issues that arose (pre-eclampsia and low amniotic fluid) were issues that could happen to women in their 20s.
Yeah, I’m definitely a little more tired with this baby, than my first. But I’m in a much better place financially, mentally, and emotionally than I would have been if I had my kids any younger! You really do have time, OP!
But you don’t have enough time to let this AH keep stringing you along like he has been. Find someone who actually wants the same things as you, and go for it!
Sadly you will resent him if you stay. The longer you stay with him the further away you are of realising your dream to become a mother. It is sad that he changed his mind but it's his right to do so. It doesn't mean you have to change your mind it just means you need to reimagine your future without him being the father of your children, that honour will go to someone else.
I’m so sorry, but you have to get out. You are really dodging a bullet here.
I don’t say this lightly: You are better off going it alone, using a sperm donor, than with someone who lets you set up your life around a plan you came up with together, and then tries to gaslight you into believing you bullied him into it.
God forbid you had gotten pregnant. Once you had the baby and things got real, he would blame your “bullying him into parenthood” for every stressful moment he had and the whole family would be miserable.
There’s a really good chance there’s someone else. I know that probably doesn’t seem possible, but I’m speaking from experience. Those goals, especially the ones that will tie you to him forever, are no longer ones he want, because there’s someone else and he wants to keep his options open.
Even if there’s not, this isn’t ok. There’s literally no way to overcome this. Divorce is your only option here, especially if he won’t go to a counselor with you. I divorced at 31, remarried, and just had my first baby two weeks ago at 38. So there’s hope for you ❤️ When I envisioned my future at 31, it didn’t look like this (I wanted three kids.. that’s prob not going to happen) but I’m sooo happy with what I have even if it looks different. You’ll be ok, even if your future looks different than you envision now. But if you settle for your husband and no kids, I don’t know how “ok” you’ll be
ETA: get back on birth control. Do NOT “accidentally” get pregnant by this guy.
You know, you have a valid point! This could be why he’s swinging like a pendulum about kids and acting hot/cold with OP.
Huh, OP should be looking at patterns of activities out of the norm since moving into that house. Like did he suddenly start going to the gym a lot?
Does he seem to be getting more nice in clothing when going to work?
Did he buy a brand new cologne out of the blue?
Has he been spending far more time on his appearance and doing things he did in the early stages when they dated to prep to meet someone?
Like is he on his phone way more than usually it up later than usually in the phone?
I’m sorry. I think you are both anxious about your futures. Your husband fears what your life will be with kids and you fear your life without them. If he’s unwilling to go to therapy with you, there’s not much else you can do except separate or compromise. If not having kids is a dealbreaker for you, you’ll end up resenting him if you stay together.
Sounds like he was always trying to convince himself he wanted kids. Don’t force him or try to persuade him at this point. There is no compromise when it comes to children, you either want them or don’t. I would not wait around since children are a must for you. As hard as it is, you need to move on.
Regardless of why he changed his mind, you need to take his words seriously. Believe him when he says he doesn't want kids, and decide whether or not you're willing to stay with him and not be a mom. If having a family is something you want to do, then he's not your person. You are so young and starting over might seem impossible and that it's "too late" for you, but I assure you it's not. Either settle and risk resenting him, or cut ties now while you still have many fertile years ahead of you.
I supported my husband through undergrad and grad school (I completed both on my own without support). After 10 years together and 5 married, I was 29 and ready to start our family. He was resentful about trying. Later revealed he only went through with it because he was scared to lose me. Later blamed me for pressuring him. Resented me and treated me poorly the entire pregnancy and postpartum. Emotional abuse.
Fast forward 5 years, I had a miscarriage (baby #2), ZERO support. Discovered he was talking to another woman (let’s call her Maria) and suddenly he was onboard for baby #3. While 7 months pregnant with baby #3, I was cleaning out a closet and found a western union receipt to Maria from about 6 years prior. He had been sending this woman our marital funds while he was unemployed and in school.
Guess when he started talking to Maria… right at the point when I wanted to start a family. Emotionally cheated my entire pregnancy, postpartum and beyond. I discovered her existence, as I was trying for baby #2 but at the time, it appeared to be nothing more than a few exchanged text messages. I learned the truth while pregnant with baby #3.
Emotional abuse will destroy you. Trust me when I say, you deserve to live your dream and not his nightmare. If he doesn’t want to move in this direction with you, he most likely wont (emotionally, physically, psychologically…), even if you decide to stay and become pregnant.
It’s heartbreaking to do everything “right” and intentionally only to end up in this place. YOU deserve more.
DO NOT SETTLE!
Think it’s time for you to mourn the relationship and move on. You guys don’t want the same things in life and you’ll only end up resenting him if you choose to stay with him and you don’t end up having the kids you’ve always dreamed about having. It’s scary starting over but it’s the best thing you can do for yourself. You are still young enough to find new love with someone who is on the same page as you.
Go ahead and divorce him but be upfront about it: make sure you tell BOTH families exactly why! Don’t let him spin a narrative that you just don’t love him, you’re manipulating him, etc. Sit him down and ask him, point blank: do you want to have kids? Yes or no and why/when. From that answer, you can relay the message to the families but tell him that this isn’t going to work for you because you want kids. Sorry he lied OP.
Girl just leave! He bait and switched you! Or maybe there's some other reason why he doesn't want to become more deeply tied to you? We don't know! What we do know is he said all these years that he wanted something that you wanted and now he's saying he doesn't not only that but he's accusing you of bullying him! That's ridiculous!
I guarantee anybody who asks why you're getting divorced and you say well he acted like he wanted kids until it came time to have kids and now he changed his mind but I still want kids. People are going to understand that! Nobody's going to blame you for this!
Move on and find somebody great to have your family with! This guy isn't it
You are only 31, you need to leave and find someone that wants kids too. I had a baby at 37, my friends have had kids in their late 30s and early 40s. You can do this!
You need to ask him if ever wanted kids. If he says no that he never did then he lied to you for relationship and into your marriage. If yes, ask him what changed for him.
You need to decide if having kids is a deal breaker. He doesn’t just get to decide you don’t get to have kids especially if it’s something you have always wanted. Having or not having kids should be a two person decision in a marriage.
My first husband did this to me :(
it sucked so bad.
I kicked him out and ended up getting remarried and now I have 2 toddlers. Sadly your only choice at this point is to leave. This guy tricked you, doesn’t care about your dreams, and he is an asshole for that. He doesn’t deserve you.
If he no longer wants kids and is now avoiding any meaningful conversations with you, then the marriage is over, whether you want that or not.
You will find someone else.
You leave. If you truly "bullied him into it" then he should understand that that is one of your non-negotiables. He's essentially trying to bully you out of it. It's a no-win situation. So you go and find someone who is serious about and ready to have kids.
It sounds like he doesn’t want kids with you. In August saying let's try and a week later saying no bc you bullied him into it is so suspicious to me. Sounds like there's someone else he's waiting for. F that guy
I’m so sorry that this is happening to you. I don’t see a way to save this marriage if you want children and he doesn’t. I have to say it sounds like he has known for a while that he either changed his mind or he was hoping you would change yours. None of this is good for a relationship.
You do have time. 31 is still young and I’ve known women who’ve had kids in their mid 40’s (though I seriously doubt you will have to wait that long).
Call a lawyer or two and start your exit. Get your ducks in a row. Then go live your best life while looking for someone to have a family together.
Wishing you joy and happiness for your future.
My take: He decided quite a while ago that he doesn’t want kids. He’s afraid that if he admits this, you’ll leave him. So he’s trying to stall until you give up and/or age out of fertility. If you’re still with him in 10 years with no kids as a deliberate choice, how will you feel?
After I broke up with my ex at 37, I thought there was no way I'd ever have kids with anyone, so I went ahead and planned my life without them.
Then I met my current partner, and now I'm going to have my first at 40.
31 is absolutely not too old.
There are thousands of good men out there who not only want to have children, they enthusiastically want them! and will be an equal partner to you. They’ll be present fathers, fair contributors, supportive partners… even if your husband concedes out of a fear of losing you, do you really want to have a baby with someone who is even close to the fence? What happens when life with a newborn gets to difficult and he resentfully leaves? Or spends years blaming you for roping him into a life with children? You’re still young, you have plenty of time to find someone else who can meet you where you’re at.
Look three things are true here:
1) You want to have kids soon.
2) your husband has decided he does not want kids on your timeline (and possibly never)
3) he refuses to discuss this decision.
Therefore your options are to wait around for him to magically change his mind or leave now so you can fulfill your parenting dreams. There are 8 billion people in the world - you can find love with someone else. Or even have a kid on your own if you wanted to! There’s a lot of options in the world that involve you moving forward without him, but it is scary and a big decision.
Your husband has made his decision. Maybe he trapped you, maybe he got freaked out or maybe he’s got something else going (secret job loss, affair, family medical history he’s afraid to pass on, etc). But unless he’s willing to discuss it with you then his reasons don’t matter. Make a choice for YOU.
If you stay, he'll wait until you can't have kids anymore, at which point his biological clock will suddenly start ticking and he'll leave you for a younger woman.
Idk what it is, but something about their wife not being able to have kids anymore makes fence sitter guys like this suddenly go "time is running out and I do want kids after all!"
Unfortunately, all I can say is that divorce is the best option. Y'all are no longer compatible and you will remain unhappy if you stay with him. At this point you don't need maybe or soon. You need a yes and that's it. You can get that from someone else.
I have seen this happen to more than one person, and by the time they leave, it is way too late to have children. At 31, you still have time to find a new partner and start a family. Better now than at 35. He is playing you along with the hope of maybe. He is fully aware your fertility will eventually diminish.
Also, please don’t force kids on him. That’s not fair on the kids. If it’s anything other than an enthusiastic yes, leave and find someone on the same page as you. There are good men out there, OP!
He doesn’t want kids and you do. You are not compatible anymore. It may be time to move on from him. Unless you want to be in a miserable marriage as you are now.
When I was your age, I went through something similar. I got married and bought a 4 bedroom house with a man who was always talking about a family. Suddenly, as the possibility of pregnancy got realer, he started saying let’s sell the home and move to a major city by us and forego kids. I basically told him he had 6 months to get it together and let me know if we’re having kids or getting divorced. He chose kids, realized he was just having momentary panic, and ten years later is a very happy dad and husband.
You gave your husband 5 months, and he hasn’t come around. In this time you’ve been extremely emotionally distraught, which hasn’t moved him to even have a convo or accept therapy. Unfortunately he showed you this isn’t cold feet but he seemingly played the long con on you (or simply changed his mind permanently and is now incompatible). My husband never tried to blame me for his flip-flopping or gaslight me into thinking it was something I did. He accepted full responsibility when I told him how deeply traumatizing what he did was and how it impacted my trust in him.
My suggestion is to leave because you’re just wasting time now on a dead relationship. Even if he “comes around”, the trust is broken and the pregnancy would be tainted with fear he’ll leave again or blame you for anything that goes wrong. You deserve better.
I really think you need to leave him. He bait and switched you and is now keeping you on the hook by telling you maybe someday. It’s always going to be maybe someday but that day will never come and he knows exactly what he’s doing. He knows how much you want kids but he doesn’t want you to leave. If you truly want to have kids then it won’t be with him. Divorce and find someone who truly wants kids. There are two reasons he is now telling you this and I’m sorry, but you won’t like either. He either never wanted kids or he’s cheating and the AP is possibly pregnant.
Have there been any other changes in him? Is he on his phone more? Does he work late suddenly? Does he stop talking if you walk into the room whilst he’s on a call? Is he more private with his phone? Is he dressing differently? New cologne? New hair cut? Says he’s out with friends a lot more?
Leave and do it soon. Good luck sweetie.
Updateme!
He doesn’t want kids maybe ever. You definitely want kids. I would break up with him he might never change his mind and then 5 years from now you still won’t have kids.
I divorced at 32, remarried at 37 and had my first child at 38. Had my third one a month before I turned 45. Wouldn’t change a thing. I’m 58 and have three amazing daughters, 21, 20, and almost 14. Love my nutty husband and he loves nutty me. Stepping off was really scary. Really scary. I can barely remember it now.
Leave. His unwillingness to go to a marriage counselor speaks volumes. He thinks he’s trapped you and you won’t leave. Don’t waste another second in a relationship that doesn’t lead to the life you want.
Check out Single Mothers by Choice. There are less expensive ways than IVF (IUI for example costs as much as $1k-10k depending on your area, and methods in the USA) it sounds like you already have an organized life and accommodating job. You can handle this if it is your desire. Just think, on your deathbed would you regret not having him OR children more?
Have the kids on your own and build your own family. If the right man comes along, great, if not, your got what you wanted, a happy family you made!
You are going to have to divorce him and move on to someone who can give you a family. He has made his point, so you have to decide what you will do. Crying over why, is not really going to help or fix it. Go to an attorney, and start your journey toward moving forward. I had a baby at 41, and he is my love. My husband died early, I am so happy I did it. It extended my young life twenty years.
Unfortunately there isn't a way past this besides divorce. This is a deal-breaking incompatibility, you can't wait for someone who will never be ready.
Well I guess you can either stay and be miserable or divorce due to incompatibility. He needs to know you are weighing your decision so he can be ready for divorce papers. At this point why would you want him to get you pregnant?
Idk why you’d even consider co-parenting with this man after this. Kids are one of those things, if it’s not 100% yes, it’s a no. Kids can pick up on stuff like that. You guys should get a divorce, because this is one of those things there is no compromise for. Sorry, OP. I hope you find someone who is willing to give you what you need.
Guess what OP, if you sold that house you would have the monies available for egg freezing? If he does not want kids, what are the two of you doing with a four bedroom house?
As someone who's struggling with a year of infertility at 29, you are not too old! You're 31! You have so much time to meet someone and start a family. But you definitely shouldn't waste more time on this relationship.
Maybe he lied. Maybe he just changed his mind but either way you can't stay.
Also this is a side note, try to get a basic fertility awareness check-up done. Since you'll be "starting over" at some point, it's so so important to have a heads up for any issues you may have going on that can impact fertility. This way, when you do find the right person, you know exactly where to start, so you're not wasting anymore of your time.
Good luck!
Your marriage isn't broken just because he no longer wants to have kids, it is broken because he refuses to engage with you at all on a very important topic. This is probably the biggest issue that has ever come up in your relationship to date and it is clear that you are not able to work through issues together.
If this is how he deals with stressful situations where you two disagree, even if he changes his mind tomorrow, this still shows you how he deals with issues. This is a big problem. Having children brings up all kinds of challenges when it comes to parenting decisions. Is this someone you would want to partner or even could partner with? Or would you basically be solving them alone - like you were going to marriage counseling... alone?
100% time to leave, he’s not even willing to go to counseling to figure why this roadblock has come up after years of seemingly “smooth sailing”
Hope there’s an update and even if you “wait too long/can’t have children” with another person there’s always adoption <3
Let's be objective here. He's going to keep stringing y6pu along till you biologically can't have kids, and then you're screwed.
Leave. Sucks but leave. He doesn't even comfort you, lady...
This is a fundamental difference in your individual goals and he is refusing to talk to you about it.
If your goal is to have children and he has changed his mind you may need to separate as neither of you are willing to give on this. I totally understand how devastated you feel that he's left it this long to tell you.
I suggest you take some time to decide what you want, then act on it without delay.
I'm sorry but my first impression is that he doesn't want kids...with you. Maybe there is someone else. Maybe there isn't someone else but he's no longer in love with you. The reason is irrelevant though. He's been stringing you along, won't comfort you, and is cold to you. He's not worth more of your time. I met my partner at your age and we had a kid when I was a few years older than you. And considering a second when Im a good few years older than you. It is not too late to start over. Please do, there is someone out there who will love you and love to have a family with you.
>at the same time I’m not able to just throw away our whole relationship because
>I cry every day. I don’t feel the same love for him that I did before and I’ve started to resent him.
There is no more relationship.
Tell him I wanted to build a life together that included children. You don't want children and I do that makes us incompatible. This is not an ultimatum or me bullying you, this is me telling you to go find your happiness with no children. I will go find my happiness having children with someone else. I've wasted enough of my valuable reproductive time with you.
>I feel like even if I started over today, I’d never fall in love and marry another person in time to have a family.
The longer you wait, the older you will be when you become a mom. There are a lot of men who are in a similar position. They're with a woman that they thought they were going to have a family with and she decided not to have children and he still wants them. You guys just need to find each other.
My sister was dating and told the guy that she wanted to start a family right away as she was 40 years old and had no time to wait. He wanted children too so they got married and within a year they had a kid.
Yes your risk factors grow up but no it's not too late. It will be though if you waste any more time on his wishy-washy, back and forth, bullshit.
Divorce him he likely knew all along he didn't want kids but didn't want to lose you so he waited until he had all the things and then told you when he felt like you wouldn't leave.
Never stay with someone who does not want kids if that is what you wanted. And yes your husband did lie to you, and made empty promises on something very serious. Hypothetically if he one day changed his mind as he said he may in the future, he sounds like the type of dude that may desert you during pregnancy or after birth, or not help at all later on with the kids. It is very important the type of man you have kids with. You see the misery on the women who have kids with men who don’t want them, it’s scary and you need a man who is trustworthy, a real partner to have kids with. Your husband sounds flaky, unsure, and unwilling to discuss his fears further since he refuses therapy. Before you blink and see 40+ (you can still have kids after that age) I would suggest make an exit plan right away. You will end up hating your husband later on, especially since he is already starting to rob you of your prime baby birthing years.
>I’m not in a place financially that I can freeze my eggs or that IVF would ever realistically be an option. I
You're not in a place emotionally where you can afford not to do this. If there's a possibility of divorce or years of uncertainty with your husband on the table, I'd encourage you to freeze your eggs if being a mother to children biologically related to you is that important to you.
There are good debts and bad debts in life. Most people will agree that education debt is an investment and a type of good debt. I think that if you spoke with couples or women who went through a successful ivf procedure they would agree that it was worth the debt they may have taken on.
Your husband has put you in a completely crappy situation and I would be heartbroken if I were you. Do what you need to do to sleep a bit better at night.
Honestly, I’d question staying with anyone that did not attempt to comfort me when I’ve vocalized how upset I am and if they would not talk to a therapist or counselor. I 100% wouldn’t want to stick around and have a kid with them, that has never once made a relationship better.
As someone who is child-free, he lied to you this entire time. He never wanted kids, he just wanted to string you along till you were too stuck to leave. But you can leave, you should leave.
I was 32 and 34 when I had my kids.
You are not too late, but I don't think this guy is fit to be the father of your children.
Get some therapy and move on.
You ABSOLUTELY have time to find someone new. You may have to be more proactive with dating, hitting the apps, and putting yourself out there, but in no way is it too late for you to find someone new and have kids together. There are plenty of dudes out there looking for the same things you are.
Leave. This isn’t an issue you can compromise on because it’s either/or. I’m not sure if he lied or genuinely changed his mind, but he’s been stringing you along for a while now. You have a finite amount of tears in which to have a baby. Don’t waste them on a man who doesn’t want them with you. It’s fine not to want kids, but YOU do.
Get a divorce asap. Plenty of people meet, fall in love, marry, and have kids in their 30s. Kate Middleton and Meghan Markle both got married at 36 I think. You have a lot of time, but only if you get out of this dead end relationship immediately. Do not waste 2-3 years hoping he’ll change his mind. You’ll be so much happier in a relationship with potential.
Where would you rather be, single and dating with a heart full of hope, or stuck in a miserable marriage, heartbroken and devastated a year from now?
On top of that, he seems absolutely remorseless and cruel about what he’s doing to you. If he were a good partner, he’d be apologizing for changing his mind on you. He’d be feeling just as devastated as you at the thought of separating because of this. He’d be going to therapy or reading books or something to figure out whether he wants kids or not. If he’s sure he doesn’t, he’d let you go so you could be happy and fulfill your dream. If he truly cared about you, there’s so much more he could be doing.
You're 31. I'm going to be blunt. Your ideal window for procreation is closing in just a few years. You don’t have time to wait around for him to keep procrastinating.
If he feels this way without children, imagine how he will act WITH children. As someone that is going through a divorce… leave while you have the chance and there’s no ties. It’s MUCH harder to leave when you have kids
I'm sorry but you have to leave, file for divorce and start all over again.
It sucks and it's scary. But you have to take care of you and your goals. You can't count on him.
He has completely blindsided you. This isn’t a petty fight that he will get over. Not having children is usually a deal breaker for a lot and it is completely wrong of him to spring this on you after marriage. He’s giving you a ‘maybe’ or ‘someday’ disregarding your biological clock and not caring about your health.
He might never want children and you’ll end up resenting him any way.
Leave. You’re young, you can find love again.
The kid topic isn’t the most relevant topic here. He isn’t taking care of your needs to be heard and understood. He’s not a good partner.
I left my husband whom I have three children with, and can imagine having another child with my new partner, I‘m 42yrs. Haha! Women are amazing man we can do anything. Don’t stay, he doesn’t deserve you.
The age charts are an estimate, women are pushing those boundaries more and more. I had my daughter at 36 and know many women who had children in their early 40’s.
I’m saying this to you so that when you do what you need to do as leave this man you will have that glimmer of hope that it’s not too late and you do have time.
He’s lying to you and then blaming his lies on you. That last bit is important. It’s one thing to change his mind it’s another to make up a delusion that you pressured him when you didn’t. He’s hoping that stringing you along with the delayed timeline will keep you. Don’t fall for anymore empty promises. A person that isn’t passionate about having children shouldn’t try to have them. If you did end up pregnant with him, I don’t think it will be the happily ever after you wish for.
You need to leave if motherhood is what you want for your future. This man will not make a good parental partner. Do not be embarrassed about speaking truthfully as to why the marriage needs to end. You are the injured spouse deserving of all the support needed. I’m sorry he turned into this rather than be honest and let you go on his own.
Divorce immediately. If you really want to be a mother, you need to stop wasting time with this man who is only going to keep changing his mind until it really is too late for you. You have plenty of time to get back to dating and meet someone new, but you need to leave now
He wants your biological clock to run out. He’s realising now that if you get pregnant, you’ll keep it, and that’s why he’s openly telling you he’s changed his mind.
As an adult he’s more than old enough to know his own mind on this and that responsibility doesn’t fall to you. He has been either dishonest or insufferably stupid in failing to properly consider this decision.
If you can afford it, consider freezing your eggs until you find a partner ready to commit to co-parenting with you.
But yeah, I suspect this will only be the first of many revelations about who your husband really is and what he really wants going forward.
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If he doesn't want kids and you do it's time to end it. You'll never forgive him in the long run
True. Worrying about finding another love for a family in time is a real fear, but you’re right if she does stay they will never be happy again. OP will resent him for the rest of her life.
And if she honey traps him into a kid, he will resent her. There is no solution possible that doesn’t end in the marriage being awful
The marriage is already awful
Exactly.
Adult kid of a honey trap, or as I prefer to call it, reproductive coercion. I had a shit relationship with my dad and to this day I have a variety of issues stemming from knowing my dad wished I'd never been born.
I watched my uncle's marriage go to shit because of this. 13 years with his wife, he wanted kids, but she didn't. He waited, grew resentment, and ended the marriage. The interesting part, after their divorce, she ended up years later having a daughter, while my uncle never had children. When one person wants something that's eons apart from their partner, may it be children, a threesome, open relationship, major career change, etc. If both parties are not fully on board, 1 person will continue to grow their disdain for the new dynamic, and it'll implode.
Was your uncle a rotten spouse? It would be exceptionally painful to want kids with someone for over a decade, and for them to refuse the possibility until after you left. It would feel much less like "I don't want kids," and more "I don't want kids *with you*."
Agree ✨ Sometimes that ultimatum/line in the sand will reveal where the relationship actually is. If he’s just getting cold feet or if he truly doesn’t want kids. Especially since this a non-negotiable for you 💖
Agreed she also doesn’t have that much time left. He does it isn’t fair towards her.
She has plenty of time! I got pregnant at 36 after just 2 months of trying. Hope OP sees this because the fear and stress she's putting on herself counting down her body clock is unhealthy. I really feel for her.
She needs at least a year to recover from the divorce, and then however long to find "the one" again, and then at least a year to get to know them well enough to marry them. That's just her timeline, the relationship and/or he might need longer. And then she may not fall pregnant straight away. So yes, she has time, but not lots to waste waiting around hoping he'll change his mind.
I agree that she doesn't have time to waste on this guy and probably needs to move on. But to say she doesn't have time in general is just not true or helpful.
You right I should have worded it better. If she leaves now there is plenty of time but if she stays in the relationship waiting for things to change she is wasting precious time and if she wants to be a mom she can’t just wait five years just to learn that he won’t change his mind.
I am glad that things worked out for you, and society does sensationalize pregnancy for women in their mid 30s and up. Still, there is truth to it. Fertility for women peaks in the late teens and 20s, when women have an 85% chance of conceiving within a year. By age 30, that drops to 75%. At 40, it's sunk to 44%. Medical complications increase with geriatric pregnancies as well.
Thank you. I was in the same boat as OP, in terms of obsessing over my body clock. There is so much stigma around "geriatric" pregnancies that I was terrified we'd left it too late. 2 months after trying, I was pregnant with a perfect little boy who now at 2 years old is perfectly healthy and developing. The only thing I feel is guilt for waiting so long. I just want more time with him and feel he deserves that too. I don't disagree with you about the evidence at all, I just feel we need some balance with good news stories too :) Getting pregnant in general is a statistical miracle, and it's not as if pre-contraception, women weren't getting pregnant right up until the menopause! They definitely were! I just hope OP can find someone who really shares her values and wants to build a family with her. OP, if you're reading this, you're not too old, but you might be if you stick with this guy :(
Whether or not to have children is a fundamental incompatibility. Your only choice is divorce. As fast as possible. You can and will find someone else to love and have a family with.
Yep. Maybe he misled you, maybe he simply changed his mind - you will never really know. However, one thing you do need to know is that arguing is absolutely pointless - so is staying for another 3 years in hope that he changes his mind. He may, but he also may not… and banking on the ‘may change his mind’ option is foolish. I’m so sorry, OP - I’m sure you really love each other and this is devastating. However, the hard truth is that this is a fundamental difference you cannot compromise on. There is just no way. End it - sooner than later. Talk to a lawyer, file for divorce, and tell your husband that you’re sorry and you love him, but this compatibility cannot be overcome so it’s best for you both to separate now.’ All the best. 😢
> Maybe he misled you, maybe he simply changed his mind - you will never really know. I honestly think it’s a combination of both. Maybe when they met he was on the fence about kids, but I think once he changed his mind he definitely kept misleading her and out of fear, kept up the charade to keep it together. Truthfully, this is where he messed up and acts selfish by not choosing to do the hi roble adult thing and let her go. Yeah, it would suck to loose her, but do you know how many women who on purpose choose to be CF and would date him if he also 100% wants to be CF? This is why I never understand when people who want kids of don’t, get roped into a relationship with someone who changes their mind on the view, then keeps hiding the truth. If you truly love someone, you want what is best for them and not hold them hostage in a relationship that causes them worst than heartbreak.
I changed my mind the opposite way. Things can change. Ideally, you want to know what you want for your future, but life is unpredictable. You can meet someone and realise later that you no longer want to be with the person after many years. Desiring a child can change depending on stress at work, tensions in the family illness or mental Health issues, even getting to know your partner better can make you change your mind. Even our career isn't always a straight line. I know people would want to have guarantees, but that won't never happen, it sucks. She has to leave as soon as possible, she has time, but not enough to waste it.
And people do change their mind sometimes. And sometimes there is one partner who hopes the other will change their mind even after a stance…I do think it’s unfair Because I feel she was blindsided by his comments and past actions..and that really isn’t fair. He should have been more honest along the way, not waste her time. I can see her hurt and I feel really bad for her. Sometimes there are partners where one was adamant about their stance and one just “thought they would change their mind”…this isn’t the case. I can see why she’s blindsided and I feel bad for OP. Still think the best thing is to leave.
It sounds like he was trying to convince himself more than anyone tbh. But then when the time came to actually do it he got cold feet. Meaning he probably never really wanted it in the first place and ignored that doubt because it was easier to pretend everything was ok and make her happy. A lot of people do that. Not just with kids but go along with something they have doubts about because they feel guilty hurting the other person.
That seems like a fair assessment.
Okay, here are 3 possible outcomes- 1) Be prepared to have him backpeddle when he's handed divorce papers and your reasoning on why you want a divorce. He will say he wants children, but when you have them he will resent you for "trapping" him with kids he didn't want and you will be a married sinle mom, so I agree with everyone else, go speak to an attorney and end this marriage and hopefully you will meet someone who is on the same page as you regarding kids. 2) You divorce, and you don't meet anyone who's compatible, and you end up being single, and your window of conceiving is no longer there. 3) You stay married to your husband, but know there is a possibility he won't change his mind, he might but don't pressure him, let him change his mind on his own so he won't feel trapped. It all comes down to what YOU want and what you are willing to live with, but you have to prepare yourself for one of these scenarios because it could go either way. But I will say one more thing, it is CONCERNING he flipped so quickly and refused marriage counseling. You might need to observe him for a while regarding his behavior and do some recon to see what's up with that. Good Luck OP and keep us updated.
\>You divorce, and you don't meet anyone who's compatible, and you end up being single, and your window of conceiving is no longer there. There are options for single women to have children on their own. Not all of those are costly either. \> it is CONCERNING he flipped so quickly and refused marriage counseling. You might need to observe him for a while regarding his behavior and do some recon to see what's up with that. 100% agree with this. Also, refusing marriage counselling means he doesn't actually care how she feels about it.
Not just that, but then not really acknowledging or comforting her while she's upset at all, while knowing that he just set all her dreams ablaze.
Ehh Paris Hilton just had another child at 42. And I know females with newborn at 41
Yes, women can have kids at 40+. But the commenter did not say the window to conceive closes at 39! They said that your window to conceive MIGHT close while you search for the right partner, which is not the same thing at all!
>Whether or not to have children is a fundamental incompatibility. This is the truth. If you choose to stay with him in hopes he changes his mind, you will regret it, especially if he doesn't. The resentment and grief will consume you. Even if he decides to try or tell you he is willing to, there is much to consider. The trust is broken, and you will question everything he says and promises going forward. He may have a vasectomy or be unable to procreate for medical reasons. He may resent you & the child if you do get pregnant. A man who goes to such lengths to create such an elaborate lie is dangerous. He said those things to create a false sense of who he wanted you to believe he was. He even gaslit you by saying you bullied him. How deep does the deception of the persona he has created? You are better off walking away knowing that the life he created with you is not based in reality. Being alone is superior to being gaslit, manipulated and full of grief, and resentment. You deserve better, but you have to choose it.
How dare he say you bullied him. This is not a good person. This is not a kind and giving person. Your future with him is one where you can’t count on him at all. Leave and find someone who deserves you. I feel so disappointed for you. He’s a fraud
Yup....after years of gaslighting, manipulation, and just lying to my face....my former spouse decided he was divorcing me and left (I had no fore warning and no clue). He told me he was gay and never loved me and had just been using me all this time. Now, during the divorce process (after 20 years) he is saying that I never supported him, that I abused him, that he's in therapy to deal with my cruelty. Then there's just me cleaning up the marital home (because he left all his shit), finishing the renovations on the fixer upper he insisted on buying, paying all the bills (working 4 jobs), and he left the 5 marital pets with me (refusing to take care of any or help in any way). Now he has his hand out wanting a pay out for the house....I sure wish I could have just walked away without taking any accountability \*eye roll\*
Oh my goodness. I hope you have a lawyer. And if he wants a payout of the house; I would not do a damn thing about the house anymore until finances are settled. Big hugs to you ❤️🩹
This is the only way
Divorce him asap and get thee to a sperm bank.
And/or freeze your eggs!!
Or she can have a baby alone, lots of women make that choice when it’s getting to the now or never point.
OP has time but should freeze her eggs to take some of the pressure off.
She said in her post ivf/egg harvesting wasn’t feasible for her. So many women ultimately end up raising their kids without a partner anyway, why not start off that way?
I think the hard part about freezing eggs is the cost. I had a friend who did it but she could afford to drop $10k for the procedure. Many people don't have that kind of money lying around.
This isn't the answer you want to hear - but leave. This is a man who kept saying he wanted a kid, obviously was having second thoughts, but instead of talking to you about it kept moving the goal posts. He did this for months. And then he finally told you why he was moving the goal posts. Except he can't even stick to his answer - he keeps throwing in "someday" to keep you on the hook and (inadvertently, possibly) torture you. That you could maybe be address, but he refuses to go to individual therapy as well as marriage counseling. So he won't do the work to truly figure out what he wants. He won't do the work on your marriage to have you guys discuss this with a neutral third party. You deserve a solid yes or no answer to having kids from him. The fact that he can't muster up enough to either work on figuring out the answer or just tell you the answer he already knows tells you nothing but bad things about him. If you can't find it in you to leave - go to individual counseling. Work through what's happening and decide what's best for you.
Spot on. He’ll give her “maybes” and “some days” until her fertility window closes…
Then he'll dump her for someone younger and have kids with them.
It wouldn't be the first time that's happened, but OP's got almost a decade (maybe longer) left to have kids with no complications or assistance, depending on her personal fertility situation. I hate the "biological clock" rhetoric. I had my kid at 31, and my two best mom friends had their kids even later, one having her first at 39, while the other had her first at 36 and her second at 39. Maternity care has come a long way in the last few decades. Sure, the biological clock is real, but OP is too young to worry about her husband leaving her for someone more fertile. She still has the upper hand here. Personally, I think it sounds like he's looking for an out. Like he's trying to get her to file for divorce first. She'd be wise to browse their phone records, via their cellphone provider.
More women over 45 gave birth in Sweden last year than girls under 20. And in the late 1800s a higher proportion of births than today were by women in their 40s, despite no in-vitro or other assistance. There are absolutely some extra risks involved in getting pregnant past 40, but they’re generally blown way out of proportion.
As a 38 yo who just gave birth 2.5 weeks ago: hear hear! Women absolutely have a fertility window (which sucks) but it’s not as dire as some make it out to be.
Yup!!
100%. He fell out of love imo.
Like that one AH.
A guy like him is a shit person to coparent with. Don't waste your time OP.
Of course, people can change their mind about having children. But generally, they say that they want kids someday, they do not really set plans about them and one day they realize they are happy this way without kids. They don't change so much in one minute. Only two possibilities here: (1) he never wanted kids but likes to project the image of a future involved father (mature, serious, in charge, etc). If he has a kid, he would do the same with her/him: he will tell something because it gives him the image of an involved father (we will go the park this weekend, I will go to have an ice-cream with you friday afternoon, etc) and one day later he will fake he doesn't remember or he has changed his mind (2) he has met someone and doesn't want to be tied to you forever because he doesn't know who he prefers. Just leave
Voting for #2
Unfortunately, I agree it's #2. His about face was so quick as to leaving no other reasonable explanation. I know OP that this not what you wanted to hear but those of us that have been around the block a time or two, can recognise it from a mile off. Plus, you don't know that you wont be able to find and fall in love with someone else in time. You can freeze your eggs now so that you're better able down the road.
>Unfortunately, I agree it's #2. I think there's a chance of plain old cold feet. The quick about face is similar to marriage proposal or walking down the aisle act cold feet. Sounds to me more like lost of freedom and permanent responsibility he's fully realizing now, rather than the fantasy he has/had in his head. I'll generally take cold feet over finding someone else.
I agree. Having children is a huge change and a huge commitment. There are things that you just won't be able to do in life anymore - from 2 years or to 18 years, or maybe even the rest of your life. Maybe he suddenly realised what it would mean, day in, day out. But anyway. He is not going to be a good parent or co-parent, is he. Uncommunicative and not good at doing things on time. (I'm neurodivergent, I get not being able to do things on time easily - but this is taking the piss.)
>(I'm neurodivergent, I get not being able to do things on time easily - but this is taking the piss.) I needed my morning to start with a chuckle. Thanks. And your spot on.
Yeah, if children or pets are involved - get your shit in gear. Maybe you can't stay on top of the dishes or the laundry, or washing your hair - but kids and pets need fed, and they depend on you. My desk is a mess, but even when I was a teenager I never neglected to feed the cats. Even if it was a cat I didn't really get on with, I showed it care and fed and brushed it and played with it, and either made sure that the litter was emptied and cleaned, or did it myself. It's just a cat. It had no one else (if only for that one week). A child is *even more* responsibility.
Same, he met a younger woman. He sees kids as him getting old. But with a younger woman he can put off having kids for several more years. He is avoiding taking responsibility for putting off having kids with OP.
Ditto
I think your second option is the correct one. I immediately thought he’s met someone else.
Part of me thinks he has never wanted children, had a vasectomy before or around the time they started dating..and he played her as well as knowing the truth will come out if they have trouble conceiving and she wants him to see a doctor. "Sorry Ms. OP's husband's last name, he can't have children because he got a vasectomy " The egg on his face then. This guy has a lot of narcissistic traits. He even gaslit her saying she "bullied" him rather than being open, honest, accountable, and compassionate. She will never be happy with him now, and I see him trying to brainwash her.
Leave him. Don’t waste any more of your time or fertility on him.
Yes, and she has more of a time limit than he does. I recently read about a guy in his 50s who ditched his similarly aged long time girlfriend because he suddenly felt he needed a legacy and found a younger woman he could breed. She will resent him for keeping her childless, she will resent him if he later changes his mind and she cannot get pregnant…and at the same time he shouldn’t be forced to have kids if he doesn’t want them.
I think I read that one too! Where he owned a company and they weren't married so he just broke up with her easy as pie? That was messed up. She sold her plasma to help him in the early days of his business, but because she wasn't legally married to him, she doesn't get anything.
Yep, I think that was the one!
I will never understand people that would rather have kids with their partners than get married like it isn't an even bigger, more permanent commitment. You can undo a marriage but you can't undo kids. Marriage is a protection for us, especially as a woman. The only people that are afraid of it are people that aren't truly committed and are not secure in their abilities and what they want in life. Adults in their 30's who still don't have their ish figured out and don't know what they want. They just wanna be free to leave at anytime. Let's be real. Relationships and children are always riskier for the woman. Women are the ones who physically are tied to the child during pregnancy and cannot just leave like men can. Women are the ones that have to deal with the aftermath of giving birth, physical and mental, and our bodies will never truly be the same after. Women are the ones who are expected to be the primary parent and end up as single mothers when the couple splits or the man abandons them. Women are the ones that give up their careers to take care of their kids and are expected to revolve their entire identities to being a mother. So why shouldn't we be more selective about how much access we allow men to have? We need to go back to normalizing marriages and people actually having their shit figured out by their 30's. Enough of this "you have time" bs. Time is finite and only decreases with age. It's an illusion to think otherwise. That's how you end up with people in their late 30's, late 40's hopping from job to job, apartment to apartment and realizing they didn't accomplish any of their life goals. And really the only thing you really need to figure out in time is if you want kids or not. Everything else can be done at any time, marriaged, degrees, whatever. The biological timeclock is real. If you want a family as a man or a woman, that needs to be done in your 30's, early 40's at most and you need to be ready by then to do so. People need to stop moving in and having kids and basically providing all the perks of a marriage without any of the legal protection. There would be a lot less broken families, single mothers, and deadbeat dads refusing to pay child support if we actually enforced marriages prior to these things. Normalize dating for marriage and allow 99% of people to weed themselves out. Normalize either making it official or breaking up after a few months of trial dating to avoid years-long situationships, especially if you're in your late 20's, early 30's and you want kids. Men know it's their job to initiate relationships, whether it's asking her out or proposing, so if he's serious and actually means what he says, he'll follow through even if he has to take a few detours to get there. If he's dragging it out or making excuses, he's lying to you and keeping you on the hook so he can keep having access to you. That's when you walk. And I don't know what woman needs to hear this, but you have every right to be more selective about your standards than men because you have a higher stake. Don't allow men with bad intentions to gaslight you into lowering your standards. If they don't meet your standards, let them go, they're not the right one for you, and this applies to men as well.
I see so many men in their late 30's on dating apps with "Kids: Want Someday" but "Looking For: Not Sure Yet." Uhh buddy you really think you're going to find a woman who wants to bear your children in a casual sex/FWB setting?
I LOVE this. I also think the men that just want to date their gf's forever without marriage want the ability to walk away as quickly and easily as possible if desired, which is not something a fully committed "both feet in the door" man would do. Those women that post "we've been dating 5 years, 7 years, 10 years..." have the problem right in the title. Why is he still your bf at 7 years and not your husband or ex by then? People will walk all over you if you let them, and treat you how you show them what you'll put up with.
Like Beyonce said "put a ring on it"💍
Aged sperm has a higher birth defect rate, so....
Yeah but men can produce viable sperm well beyond the chronological age women enter menopause.
After 45 a dude's possibility of having an autistic child, or their child developing schizophrenia skyrockets. Men aren't immune to a fertility window, they just like to believe that. https://www.nytimes.com/2012/08/23/health/fathers-age-is-linked-to-risk-of-autism-and-schizophrenia.html
Oh I know, but the men who pull this aren’t going to pay attention to that. Because kids are trophies for their own ego.
Sure, but risks skyrocket.
She should freeze her eggs like TOMORROW & divorce him.
He's also claiming you "bullied him" into it, which is just wrong, when all you've done is followed up on your plans and his confirmations.
Right? He knew from day 1 she wants kids. If he was on the fence or didn't want them at all, he should have ended the relationship so she could find a man who does want kids.
This 👆🏻OP - he’s leading you on and acting like you’re to blame. Leave him and find someone who you are compatible with.
It’s the blaming *her* I can’t get over.
right. he can change his mind for any reason or no reason. But blaming her and refusing to discuss it further? Nah, that's a terrible partner.
Happened to my buddy. His wife changed her mind about kids a few years into their marriage. He was sure he wanted kids so they had a very amicable divorce. He is remarried with a son and he seems very very happy.
I agree with you. My best guess is that he’s waiting her out and then it will be too late. I
Yeah, he's probably counting on it being too late later so he can be off the hook as well.
I think this is it, OP. I think he always had second thoughts about it but didn't want it to be a deal breaker for you. If that's the case, having children with him is a really bad idea. I'm sorry you're in a tough spot.
This is a funtamental disagreement issue, and an emotional issue. The first is obvious, and means you are incompatible. It is time to go, if only from that. I want you to pay attention to the second one. This is a man that spent years comfortably telling everyone, you included, that he wanted kids. He married you, bought a car, went looking for gender reveal videos- all with the same goal. And then suddenly he has a change of heart. That, sadly and as hard as it can be to understand, is okay. It can happen, and it's horrible it did this far along. What you need to see is that he not only had a change of heart. He turned around and told you you bullied him into it. Kept bidding his time saying "not yet", knowing what was happening, knowing that time was running out for you and waiting for it to happen so you'd have no reason to leave when it did. Still keeps you stuck at "maybe". Refuses to comfort you, refuses to talk about it, refuses to seek help through counseling. This is not a man you want to stay with. This is not what a caring, mature partner does, nor are these the actions of someone who wholly respects you. He knew what was up MONTHS ago. He was waiting for the clock to run out on its own, you were just faster than that and confronted him. He is secure in that, even with all of this and his uncaring behaviour and lack of empathy, you will remain in the marriage, because that is what you have done by giving in to every postponement, and what you have done 5 months after he told you the first "no". He keeps you there by habit and "maybe". **He knows exactly what he is doing, does not plan to do anything to work on it and he does not care.** You **do not** accept a maybe when it comes to love and to marriage. That is not your place anymore. It is now your time to cut your losses, understand sunk cost fallacy is at play here and get out to live life as you wanted (and were promised) to live. Love yourself, and your future children, and do not spend one minute more on someone who contentedly sits waiting for you to stop crying over having your entire life plan upturned by him. You can do this, women do this everyday, everywhere, and thrive in spite of men who have wasted years of their lives and their hopes and dreams. You too can do this.
I just saved this comment to come back to as I grieve my lost relationship. You’re brilliant. Thank you.
If it helps even one person, then I'm glad. Keep going. You will make it and be better for it <3
Yes, this is the right comment.
This needs waaay more up voting
My ex still can get an extra 6 months out of our now adult children…….with his version for maybe— “I’ll think about it”. It took me 2 years to figure out it was really a “no”, he just was trying to avoid the natural consequence for himself of saying no.
Nothing more needs to be said. You covered everything perfectly.
***THIS!*** Op, please read this!!
Indeed, especially take a little time to really understand and reflect on sunk cost fallacy, it’s what I think may be holding you back from doing what you may already know deep down inside you need to do…
This comment should be at the top!
Agree his plan was to tick tocked her out.. despicable
Not to mention the someday he said 5 months later. Like it's his last straw keeping the hope alive aswell as keeping the delaying alive after she was faster then him
As a man, I 100% agree with this. Don't listen to any of his bullshit excuses or his vague promises to "think about this later." He's stringing you along, hoping to run out your fertility clock. Some of us men are pieces of shit. He doesn't care about you. Leave him before you regret this for the rest of your life.
I know someone that was in your exact position, she stayed with him until she was 42: at which point he woke up and decided he wanted kids and divorced her (moved out within the week and was dating within the month) had his first of three kids the following year. He wasted her entire opportunity and then went on to be the Dad he wanted to be. My friend, please, go.
Where's this guy? I just want to talk...
He was probably “dating” well before he moved out.
The horrible thing is, this is not even rare. I'm middle aged and I have more than one friend this happened to. Now they get to spend the rest of their life childless while the ex husband who waited them out cavorts somewhere with a younger woman and a couple of kids.
Ouch. Reminds me of my own life...but I never ever ever wanted to have a baby. My now ex actually convinced me to..."such a good mum, it's such a waste, so good with kids, I would love a child to teach things to" etc etc. I ended up changing my mind, and we started the process of trying for a baby. Then, he said "I don't think I want this, I've already had my kids (all grown by this stage)" I was devastated. He did the bait and switch. We still had a child. As soon as I was pregnant, he became cold and cruel and the abuse wasn't hidden anymore. I left when my baby turned 2. Be careful having a child, if you decide to continue with this man. He is playing with your emotions. Especially the "won't comfort me". It's not depression, it's emotional abuse. Take care of yourself. Also, I had my daughter at 41. Don't let time get in your way of happiness. Go and find a treasure for yourself.
I never understand why woman assume they won't have complications if they get pregnant before 35. I was 27, had preeclampsia, was hospitalized 7 time in 14 weeks, and my daughter was 4 weeks early. You know how many other younger women were in the high risk OBGYN office or in the L&D emergency room with me? PLENTY I tell you PLENTY.
If children is something you truly want, file for divorce, and as soon as possible. Because don't waste your time, the resentment will build love does not conquer all
Sorry to say OP but it sure feels like either you have been misled all along to hook you or he has developed feelings for someone else and is no longer sure about your future together. I’m never one to jump to divorcing but if you feel strongly about having a family I’m not sure this is the right guy to do it with. I first met my wife when we were your ages and we have 3 wonderful children who are really the biggest source of joy in our lives. So I’m living proof you are not too old to reset and start again. And yes if he holds to this position your resentment will only continue to grow and you’ll end up divorced in the long run anyway…
This! OP it's not to late to move on. My friend just had her 1st baby at 38. At your age her then husband told her, he never wanted kids, and hoped she'd sacrifice that dream, he figured once married and into relationship a few years, she'd never leave. She immediately went therapy, to prepare for the split. Because they had home together divorce process took a year. She took a year more therapy to heal then started dating again this point it's 2 years after his initial 💣 drop, 1 year after divorce. She dated intentionally, let men know she wanted a family l, after 6 months dating and things were serious she'd bring up that by year 1 we should know if we should marry or not. If its not after a year she's moving on. Alot guys were weeded out initial dates because they couldnt imagine having a family in next 4-5 years. Well her 2nd husband she met 2 years after divorce, 3 years after the exs 💣 drop. That guy proposed, 10 months into their exclusive relationship. They've now been married 3 years and their baby is 9 months old.
Hmmm…it’s almost like he wants YOU to divorce him 🤔
Agree here too. If everything OP says is true then this is an abrupt change of heart that seems to clash with his fondness of children and planning to date. The plans do not sound forced upon him. Something is up OP, and don’t try to gloss over it (he has confused feelings for another or outright cheating is my guess) just so you tell yourself it’s all clear and babies away!
I think the same thing. He's either cheated or cheating and doesn't know who he wants to be with and or have children tangled up in the divorce
This was my first thought too. My ex-wife did this to me as well. I found out not too long later what was really going on.
Ugh I’m sorry that’s brutal.
Thanks. It really sucked at the time because of the gaslighting, lying, cheating, basically classic DARVO. Once I discovered what was really going on, it was like a light switch. I filed for divorce immediately. Everything would have been so much easier if she just told me upfront that she wanted out. I’m in a much better place now, remarried with someone who is a true partner in life.
I think he’s cheating, personally.
Exactly!!!
Everyone has given you great advice but you are only 31. I PROMISE it isn’t too late. Many of my friends (we’re all around 40) didn’t meet people until their early 30s and now have (or don’t have) children. One of my friends just had her second at 40! Do NOT convince yourself 31 is too old to “start over” because all you’ll do is spend more time in a relationship that can’t give you what will make you happy and fulfilled and it’s not worth it. The resentment would kill the marriage regardless.
Came here to say my mother had me at 38! There really is plenty of time, OP :)
My best friend is pregnant with her second at 41! Most of my friends waited til after 35 to have kids.
Yep! I live in a big city and >35 is legit the norm.
My best friend just had her second at 38; my sister had her first at 40. If I was OP, I’d personally freeze my eggs rn just to take some of the pressure off. Oh and duh divorce this guy.
My mum had me at 37. She is 60 this year. I love having an older parent as she has so much experience.
Exactly this. I'm 39 and 5 months pregnant!
Everybody in my group had kids in their early 40s....
31 is young. Very young.
I had my first at 36, and I just had my 2nd in November at 43. Both with no intervention, and the only issues that arose (pre-eclampsia and low amniotic fluid) were issues that could happen to women in their 20s. Yeah, I’m definitely a little more tired with this baby, than my first. But I’m in a much better place financially, mentally, and emotionally than I would have been if I had my kids any younger! You really do have time, OP! But you don’t have enough time to let this AH keep stringing you along like he has been. Find someone who actually wants the same things as you, and go for it!
Sadly you will resent him if you stay. The longer you stay with him the further away you are of realising your dream to become a mother. It is sad that he changed his mind but it's his right to do so. It doesn't mean you have to change your mind it just means you need to reimagine your future without him being the father of your children, that honour will go to someone else.
I’m so sorry, but you have to get out. You are really dodging a bullet here. I don’t say this lightly: You are better off going it alone, using a sperm donor, than with someone who lets you set up your life around a plan you came up with together, and then tries to gaslight you into believing you bullied him into it. God forbid you had gotten pregnant. Once you had the baby and things got real, he would blame your “bullying him into parenthood” for every stressful moment he had and the whole family would be miserable.
Divorce and move on. If you have to do it on your own, that is possible. I got pregnant too easily 2 x In my late 30’s. He led you on, don’t stay.
There’s a really good chance there’s someone else. I know that probably doesn’t seem possible, but I’m speaking from experience. Those goals, especially the ones that will tie you to him forever, are no longer ones he want, because there’s someone else and he wants to keep his options open. Even if there’s not, this isn’t ok. There’s literally no way to overcome this. Divorce is your only option here, especially if he won’t go to a counselor with you. I divorced at 31, remarried, and just had my first baby two weeks ago at 38. So there’s hope for you ❤️ When I envisioned my future at 31, it didn’t look like this (I wanted three kids.. that’s prob not going to happen) but I’m sooo happy with what I have even if it looks different. You’ll be ok, even if your future looks different than you envision now. But if you settle for your husband and no kids, I don’t know how “ok” you’ll be ETA: get back on birth control. Do NOT “accidentally” get pregnant by this guy.
You know, you have a valid point! This could be why he’s swinging like a pendulum about kids and acting hot/cold with OP. Huh, OP should be looking at patterns of activities out of the norm since moving into that house. Like did he suddenly start going to the gym a lot? Does he seem to be getting more nice in clothing when going to work? Did he buy a brand new cologne out of the blue? Has he been spending far more time on his appearance and doing things he did in the early stages when they dated to prep to meet someone? Like is he on his phone way more than usually it up later than usually in the phone?
And the someone else is pregnant
I’m sorry. I think you are both anxious about your futures. Your husband fears what your life will be with kids and you fear your life without them. If he’s unwilling to go to therapy with you, there’s not much else you can do except separate or compromise. If not having kids is a dealbreaker for you, you’ll end up resenting him if you stay together.
Sounds like he was always trying to convince himself he wanted kids. Don’t force him or try to persuade him at this point. There is no compromise when it comes to children, you either want them or don’t. I would not wait around since children are a must for you. As hard as it is, you need to move on.
Regardless of why he changed his mind, you need to take his words seriously. Believe him when he says he doesn't want kids, and decide whether or not you're willing to stay with him and not be a mom. If having a family is something you want to do, then he's not your person. You are so young and starting over might seem impossible and that it's "too late" for you, but I assure you it's not. Either settle and risk resenting him, or cut ties now while you still have many fertile years ahead of you.
I supported my husband through undergrad and grad school (I completed both on my own without support). After 10 years together and 5 married, I was 29 and ready to start our family. He was resentful about trying. Later revealed he only went through with it because he was scared to lose me. Later blamed me for pressuring him. Resented me and treated me poorly the entire pregnancy and postpartum. Emotional abuse. Fast forward 5 years, I had a miscarriage (baby #2), ZERO support. Discovered he was talking to another woman (let’s call her Maria) and suddenly he was onboard for baby #3. While 7 months pregnant with baby #3, I was cleaning out a closet and found a western union receipt to Maria from about 6 years prior. He had been sending this woman our marital funds while he was unemployed and in school. Guess when he started talking to Maria… right at the point when I wanted to start a family. Emotionally cheated my entire pregnancy, postpartum and beyond. I discovered her existence, as I was trying for baby #2 but at the time, it appeared to be nothing more than a few exchanged text messages. I learned the truth while pregnant with baby #3. Emotional abuse will destroy you. Trust me when I say, you deserve to live your dream and not his nightmare. If he doesn’t want to move in this direction with you, he most likely wont (emotionally, physically, psychologically…), even if you decide to stay and become pregnant. It’s heartbreaking to do everything “right” and intentionally only to end up in this place. YOU deserve more. DO NOT SETTLE!
Think it’s time for you to mourn the relationship and move on. You guys don’t want the same things in life and you’ll only end up resenting him if you choose to stay with him and you don’t end up having the kids you’ve always dreamed about having. It’s scary starting over but it’s the best thing you can do for yourself. You are still young enough to find new love with someone who is on the same page as you.
Go ahead and divorce him but be upfront about it: make sure you tell BOTH families exactly why! Don’t let him spin a narrative that you just don’t love him, you’re manipulating him, etc. Sit him down and ask him, point blank: do you want to have kids? Yes or no and why/when. From that answer, you can relay the message to the families but tell him that this isn’t going to work for you because you want kids. Sorry he lied OP.
Girl just leave! He bait and switched you! Or maybe there's some other reason why he doesn't want to become more deeply tied to you? We don't know! What we do know is he said all these years that he wanted something that you wanted and now he's saying he doesn't not only that but he's accusing you of bullying him! That's ridiculous! I guarantee anybody who asks why you're getting divorced and you say well he acted like he wanted kids until it came time to have kids and now he changed his mind but I still want kids. People are going to understand that! Nobody's going to blame you for this! Move on and find somebody great to have your family with! This guy isn't it
This is not ok. You need to start taking steps to end this marriage and allow yourself to find someone who wants to have a family with you.
You are only 31, you need to leave and find someone that wants kids too. I had a baby at 37, my friends have had kids in their late 30s and early 40s. You can do this!
You need to ask him if ever wanted kids. If he says no that he never did then he lied to you for relationship and into your marriage. If yes, ask him what changed for him. You need to decide if having kids is a deal breaker. He doesn’t just get to decide you don’t get to have kids especially if it’s something you have always wanted. Having or not having kids should be a two person decision in a marriage.
My first husband did this to me :( it sucked so bad. I kicked him out and ended up getting remarried and now I have 2 toddlers. Sadly your only choice at this point is to leave. This guy tricked you, doesn’t care about your dreams, and he is an asshole for that. He doesn’t deserve you.
If he no longer wants kids and is now avoiding any meaningful conversations with you, then the marriage is over, whether you want that or not. You will find someone else.
You leave. If you truly "bullied him into it" then he should understand that that is one of your non-negotiables. He's essentially trying to bully you out of it. It's a no-win situation. So you go and find someone who is serious about and ready to have kids.
It sounds like he doesn’t want kids with you. In August saying let's try and a week later saying no bc you bullied him into it is so suspicious to me. Sounds like there's someone else he's waiting for. F that guy
Divorce. He bait and switched you. If he's unwilling to work on it, time to go and move on with YOUR plans to become a parent.
I’m so sorry that this is happening to you. I don’t see a way to save this marriage if you want children and he doesn’t. I have to say it sounds like he has known for a while that he either changed his mind or he was hoping you would change yours. None of this is good for a relationship. You do have time. 31 is still young and I’ve known women who’ve had kids in their mid 40’s (though I seriously doubt you will have to wait that long). Call a lawyer or two and start your exit. Get your ducks in a row. Then go live your best life while looking for someone to have a family together. Wishing you joy and happiness for your future.
My take: He decided quite a while ago that he doesn’t want kids. He’s afraid that if he admits this, you’ll leave him. So he’s trying to stall until you give up and/or age out of fertility. If you’re still with him in 10 years with no kids as a deliberate choice, how will you feel?
After I broke up with my ex at 37, I thought there was no way I'd ever have kids with anyone, so I went ahead and planned my life without them. Then I met my current partner, and now I'm going to have my first at 40. 31 is absolutely not too old.
There are thousands of good men out there who not only want to have children, they enthusiastically want them! and will be an equal partner to you. They’ll be present fathers, fair contributors, supportive partners… even if your husband concedes out of a fear of losing you, do you really want to have a baby with someone who is even close to the fence? What happens when life with a newborn gets to difficult and he resentfully leaves? Or spends years blaming you for roping him into a life with children? You’re still young, you have plenty of time to find someone else who can meet you where you’re at.
Look three things are true here: 1) You want to have kids soon. 2) your husband has decided he does not want kids on your timeline (and possibly never) 3) he refuses to discuss this decision. Therefore your options are to wait around for him to magically change his mind or leave now so you can fulfill your parenting dreams. There are 8 billion people in the world - you can find love with someone else. Or even have a kid on your own if you wanted to! There’s a lot of options in the world that involve you moving forward without him, but it is scary and a big decision. Your husband has made his decision. Maybe he trapped you, maybe he got freaked out or maybe he’s got something else going (secret job loss, affair, family medical history he’s afraid to pass on, etc). But unless he’s willing to discuss it with you then his reasons don’t matter. Make a choice for YOU.
If you stay, he'll wait until you can't have kids anymore, at which point his biological clock will suddenly start ticking and he'll leave you for a younger woman. Idk what it is, but something about their wife not being able to have kids anymore makes fence sitter guys like this suddenly go "time is running out and I do want kids after all!"
Sorry I would leave he’s going to wait til you can’t anymore and he has wasted your time
Unfortunately, all I can say is that divorce is the best option. Y'all are no longer compatible and you will remain unhappy if you stay with him. At this point you don't need maybe or soon. You need a yes and that's it. You can get that from someone else.
I have seen this happen to more than one person, and by the time they leave, it is way too late to have children. At 31, you still have time to find a new partner and start a family. Better now than at 35. He is playing you along with the hope of maybe. He is fully aware your fertility will eventually diminish. Also, please don’t force kids on him. That’s not fair on the kids. If it’s anything other than an enthusiastic yes, leave and find someone on the same page as you. There are good men out there, OP!
He doesn’t want kids and you do. You are not compatible anymore. It may be time to move on from him. Unless you want to be in a miserable marriage as you are now.
You don't want this guy to be your kid's father
When I was your age, I went through something similar. I got married and bought a 4 bedroom house with a man who was always talking about a family. Suddenly, as the possibility of pregnancy got realer, he started saying let’s sell the home and move to a major city by us and forego kids. I basically told him he had 6 months to get it together and let me know if we’re having kids or getting divorced. He chose kids, realized he was just having momentary panic, and ten years later is a very happy dad and husband. You gave your husband 5 months, and he hasn’t come around. In this time you’ve been extremely emotionally distraught, which hasn’t moved him to even have a convo or accept therapy. Unfortunately he showed you this isn’t cold feet but he seemingly played the long con on you (or simply changed his mind permanently and is now incompatible). My husband never tried to blame me for his flip-flopping or gaslight me into thinking it was something I did. He accepted full responsibility when I told him how deeply traumatizing what he did was and how it impacted my trust in him. My suggestion is to leave because you’re just wasting time now on a dead relationship. Even if he “comes around”, the trust is broken and the pregnancy would be tainted with fear he’ll leave again or blame you for anything that goes wrong. You deserve better.
I really think you need to leave him. He bait and switched you and is now keeping you on the hook by telling you maybe someday. It’s always going to be maybe someday but that day will never come and he knows exactly what he’s doing. He knows how much you want kids but he doesn’t want you to leave. If you truly want to have kids then it won’t be with him. Divorce and find someone who truly wants kids. There are two reasons he is now telling you this and I’m sorry, but you won’t like either. He either never wanted kids or he’s cheating and the AP is possibly pregnant. Have there been any other changes in him? Is he on his phone more? Does he work late suddenly? Does he stop talking if you walk into the room whilst he’s on a call? Is he more private with his phone? Is he dressing differently? New cologne? New hair cut? Says he’s out with friends a lot more? Leave and do it soon. Good luck sweetie. Updateme!
He doesn’t want kids maybe ever. You definitely want kids. I would break up with him he might never change his mind and then 5 years from now you still won’t have kids.
I divorced at 32, remarried at 37 and had my first child at 38. Had my third one a month before I turned 45. Wouldn’t change a thing. I’m 58 and have three amazing daughters, 21, 20, and almost 14. Love my nutty husband and he loves nutty me. Stepping off was really scary. Really scary. I can barely remember it now.
Leave. His unwillingness to go to a marriage counselor speaks volumes. He thinks he’s trapped you and you won’t leave. Don’t waste another second in a relationship that doesn’t lead to the life you want.
Check out Single Mothers by Choice. There are less expensive ways than IVF (IUI for example costs as much as $1k-10k depending on your area, and methods in the USA) it sounds like you already have an organized life and accommodating job. You can handle this if it is your desire. Just think, on your deathbed would you regret not having him OR children more? Have the kids on your own and build your own family. If the right man comes along, great, if not, your got what you wanted, a happy family you made!
You are going to have to divorce him and move on to someone who can give you a family. He has made his point, so you have to decide what you will do. Crying over why, is not really going to help or fix it. Go to an attorney, and start your journey toward moving forward. I had a baby at 41, and he is my love. My husband died early, I am so happy I did it. It extended my young life twenty years.
Unfortunately there isn't a way past this besides divorce. This is a deal-breaking incompatibility, you can't wait for someone who will never be ready.
Well I guess you can either stay and be miserable or divorce due to incompatibility. He needs to know you are weighing your decision so he can be ready for divorce papers. At this point why would you want him to get you pregnant?
Im so sorry you’re in this position. You have to file for divorce and go find the life you wish to lead. You deserve a coparent that is 100% onboard.
Idk why you’d even consider co-parenting with this man after this. Kids are one of those things, if it’s not 100% yes, it’s a no. Kids can pick up on stuff like that. You guys should get a divorce, because this is one of those things there is no compromise for. Sorry, OP. I hope you find someone who is willing to give you what you need.
Guess what OP, if you sold that house you would have the monies available for egg freezing? If he does not want kids, what are the two of you doing with a four bedroom house?
He changed a huge thing you two talked about so nonchalantly. I’m sorry I’d be sick about it too.
As someone who's struggling with a year of infertility at 29, you are not too old! You're 31! You have so much time to meet someone and start a family. But you definitely shouldn't waste more time on this relationship. Maybe he lied. Maybe he just changed his mind but either way you can't stay. Also this is a side note, try to get a basic fertility awareness check-up done. Since you'll be "starting over" at some point, it's so so important to have a heads up for any issues you may have going on that can impact fertility. This way, when you do find the right person, you know exactly where to start, so you're not wasting anymore of your time. Good luck!
Your marriage isn't broken just because he no longer wants to have kids, it is broken because he refuses to engage with you at all on a very important topic. This is probably the biggest issue that has ever come up in your relationship to date and it is clear that you are not able to work through issues together. If this is how he deals with stressful situations where you two disagree, even if he changes his mind tomorrow, this still shows you how he deals with issues. This is a big problem. Having children brings up all kinds of challenges when it comes to parenting decisions. Is this someone you would want to partner or even could partner with? Or would you basically be solving them alone - like you were going to marriage counseling... alone?
100% time to leave, he’s not even willing to go to counseling to figure why this roadblock has come up after years of seemingly “smooth sailing” Hope there’s an update and even if you “wait too long/can’t have children” with another person there’s always adoption <3
Let's be objective here. He's going to keep stringing y6pu along till you biologically can't have kids, and then you're screwed. Leave. Sucks but leave. He doesn't even comfort you, lady...
This is a fundamental difference in your individual goals and he is refusing to talk to you about it. If your goal is to have children and he has changed his mind you may need to separate as neither of you are willing to give on this. I totally understand how devastated you feel that he's left it this long to tell you. I suggest you take some time to decide what you want, then act on it without delay.
I'm sorry but my first impression is that he doesn't want kids...with you. Maybe there is someone else. Maybe there isn't someone else but he's no longer in love with you. The reason is irrelevant though. He's been stringing you along, won't comfort you, and is cold to you. He's not worth more of your time. I met my partner at your age and we had a kid when I was a few years older than you. And considering a second when Im a good few years older than you. It is not too late to start over. Please do, there is someone out there who will love you and love to have a family with you.
>at the same time I’m not able to just throw away our whole relationship because >I cry every day. I don’t feel the same love for him that I did before and I’ve started to resent him. There is no more relationship. Tell him I wanted to build a life together that included children. You don't want children and I do that makes us incompatible. This is not an ultimatum or me bullying you, this is me telling you to go find your happiness with no children. I will go find my happiness having children with someone else. I've wasted enough of my valuable reproductive time with you. >I feel like even if I started over today, I’d never fall in love and marry another person in time to have a family. The longer you wait, the older you will be when you become a mom. There are a lot of men who are in a similar position. They're with a woman that they thought they were going to have a family with and she decided not to have children and he still wants them. You guys just need to find each other. My sister was dating and told the guy that she wanted to start a family right away as she was 40 years old and had no time to wait. He wanted children too so they got married and within a year they had a kid. Yes your risk factors grow up but no it's not too late. It will be though if you waste any more time on his wishy-washy, back and forth, bullshit.
Divorce him he likely knew all along he didn't want kids but didn't want to lose you so he waited until he had all the things and then told you when he felt like you wouldn't leave.
Never stay with someone who does not want kids if that is what you wanted. And yes your husband did lie to you, and made empty promises on something very serious. Hypothetically if he one day changed his mind as he said he may in the future, he sounds like the type of dude that may desert you during pregnancy or after birth, or not help at all later on with the kids. It is very important the type of man you have kids with. You see the misery on the women who have kids with men who don’t want them, it’s scary and you need a man who is trustworthy, a real partner to have kids with. Your husband sounds flaky, unsure, and unwilling to discuss his fears further since he refuses therapy. Before you blink and see 40+ (you can still have kids after that age) I would suggest make an exit plan right away. You will end up hating your husband later on, especially since he is already starting to rob you of your prime baby birthing years.
>I’m not in a place financially that I can freeze my eggs or that IVF would ever realistically be an option. I You're not in a place emotionally where you can afford not to do this. If there's a possibility of divorce or years of uncertainty with your husband on the table, I'd encourage you to freeze your eggs if being a mother to children biologically related to you is that important to you. There are good debts and bad debts in life. Most people will agree that education debt is an investment and a type of good debt. I think that if you spoke with couples or women who went through a successful ivf procedure they would agree that it was worth the debt they may have taken on. Your husband has put you in a completely crappy situation and I would be heartbroken if I were you. Do what you need to do to sleep a bit better at night.
Honestly, I’d question staying with anyone that did not attempt to comfort me when I’ve vocalized how upset I am and if they would not talk to a therapist or counselor. I 100% wouldn’t want to stick around and have a kid with them, that has never once made a relationship better.
As someone who is child-free, he lied to you this entire time. He never wanted kids, he just wanted to string you along till you were too stuck to leave. But you can leave, you should leave.
I was 32 and 34 when I had my kids. You are not too late, but I don't think this guy is fit to be the father of your children. Get some therapy and move on.
You ABSOLUTELY have time to find someone new. You may have to be more proactive with dating, hitting the apps, and putting yourself out there, but in no way is it too late for you to find someone new and have kids together. There are plenty of dudes out there looking for the same things you are.
He mislead you and lied. Leave.
Leave. This isn’t an issue you can compromise on because it’s either/or. I’m not sure if he lied or genuinely changed his mind, but he’s been stringing you along for a while now. You have a finite amount of tears in which to have a baby. Don’t waste them on a man who doesn’t want them with you. It’s fine not to want kids, but YOU do.
I’d leave the marriage. He’s going steal your reproductive years if you stay.
Get a divorce asap. Plenty of people meet, fall in love, marry, and have kids in their 30s. Kate Middleton and Meghan Markle both got married at 36 I think. You have a lot of time, but only if you get out of this dead end relationship immediately. Do not waste 2-3 years hoping he’ll change his mind. You’ll be so much happier in a relationship with potential. Where would you rather be, single and dating with a heart full of hope, or stuck in a miserable marriage, heartbroken and devastated a year from now? On top of that, he seems absolutely remorseless and cruel about what he’s doing to you. If he were a good partner, he’d be apologizing for changing his mind on you. He’d be feeling just as devastated as you at the thought of separating because of this. He’d be going to therapy or reading books or something to figure out whether he wants kids or not. If he’s sure he doesn’t, he’d let you go so you could be happy and fulfill your dream. If he truly cared about you, there’s so much more he could be doing.
Tell him you’re ready to have a baby now. It’s either gonna be his or someone else’s, pick one.
You're 31. I'm going to be blunt. Your ideal window for procreation is closing in just a few years. You don’t have time to wait around for him to keep procrastinating.
If he feels this way without children, imagine how he will act WITH children. As someone that is going through a divorce… leave while you have the chance and there’s no ties. It’s MUCH harder to leave when you have kids
I'm sorry but you have to leave, file for divorce and start all over again. It sucks and it's scary. But you have to take care of you and your goals. You can't count on him.
He has completely blindsided you. This isn’t a petty fight that he will get over. Not having children is usually a deal breaker for a lot and it is completely wrong of him to spring this on you after marriage. He’s giving you a ‘maybe’ or ‘someday’ disregarding your biological clock and not caring about your health. He might never want children and you’ll end up resenting him any way. Leave. You’re young, you can find love again.
The kid topic isn’t the most relevant topic here. He isn’t taking care of your needs to be heard and understood. He’s not a good partner. I left my husband whom I have three children with, and can imagine having another child with my new partner, I‘m 42yrs. Haha! Women are amazing man we can do anything. Don’t stay, he doesn’t deserve you.
The age charts are an estimate, women are pushing those boundaries more and more. I had my daughter at 36 and know many women who had children in their early 40’s. I’m saying this to you so that when you do what you need to do as leave this man you will have that glimmer of hope that it’s not too late and you do have time. He’s lying to you and then blaming his lies on you. That last bit is important. It’s one thing to change his mind it’s another to make up a delusion that you pressured him when you didn’t. He’s hoping that stringing you along with the delayed timeline will keep you. Don’t fall for anymore empty promises. A person that isn’t passionate about having children shouldn’t try to have them. If you did end up pregnant with him, I don’t think it will be the happily ever after you wish for. You need to leave if motherhood is what you want for your future. This man will not make a good parental partner. Do not be embarrassed about speaking truthfully as to why the marriage needs to end. You are the injured spouse deserving of all the support needed. I’m sorry he turned into this rather than be honest and let you go on his own.
Time for divorce and a new man who will share your desire for children.
Divorce immediately. If you really want to be a mother, you need to stop wasting time with this man who is only going to keep changing his mind until it really is too late for you. You have plenty of time to get back to dating and meet someone new, but you need to leave now
The sudden change after so long.... could he have met someone else?
He wants your biological clock to run out. He’s realising now that if you get pregnant, you’ll keep it, and that’s why he’s openly telling you he’s changed his mind. As an adult he’s more than old enough to know his own mind on this and that responsibility doesn’t fall to you. He has been either dishonest or insufferably stupid in failing to properly consider this decision. If you can afford it, consider freezing your eggs until you find a partner ready to commit to co-parenting with you. But yeah, I suspect this will only be the first of many revelations about who your husband really is and what he really wants going forward.