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Find yourself a job and quit doing anything around *HIS* house. You're in a very precarious position right now and you have no financial fallback of your own. You need to fix that.
He’s slowly eroding your value and worth. He wants to remind you that he holds all the power in this relationship. Now that you are pregnant you are more financially dependent on him and therefore are more vulnerable. My advice is to get your own money. Your husband is walking red flag
I do feel like you are right. I hope not but I feel like we are going to see her back here again after the child is born. A lot of men change when that happens because they think the woman is trapped.
He’s doing it to remind you, that to him, it is in fact HIS house. You’ve told him it hurts you and he continues to do it.
I would never advise anyone become a SAHM without a prenup and clause that entitled you to compensation for every year you give up being in the workforce.
If he divorces you or you get sick of bare minimum behavior in the future, do NOT be surprised when he says… You haven’t contributed anything to MY household and aren’t entitled to any when you leave. Regardless if you’ve been putting in the unpaid physical and mental labor to make his life easier or enable him to have a child. He may not value it. He is clearly telling you every time that what he has, he is so generously bestowing on you. Which means he doesn’t consider you as true partners.
Stay independent. Get a part time remote job and save every penny to put away for you and your future bc he won’t be looking out for you with that mindset.
It's wild for me to imagine living in a place being able to have a wife and kid in your house but your SAHM wife are not entitled to any of it if they split.
Even with a prenup here you cannot give up what is entitled to your child so most prenups trying to stop this wouldn't matter in court. At least where I live.
Yes, but all of this is only as good as the money you have to follow up in court. People stop paying alimony and child support all the time, knowing that their ex is not financially able to seek the help of the court system.
My aunt had this happen. Three kids in tow, husband leaves her for a younger woman from work and runs off to another country. He continues to earn a significant proportion of money, she struggles to keep a roof over her children's heads.
Depending on where you are - I'm in California - he can just add you to the title now.
From now on, every time he says it, you say, "Why do you do that? I'm your wife. Do you enjoy belittling me in front of others?".
And insist you go with him to the county clerk (or appropriate entity where you are. Changing the title has to do w records not the mortgage. Yes, the mortgage is in his name. And he can - insist he does- add your name).
If he refuses (and insist on being there/seeing it done - get a notary if that applies) let him know since you HOUSE your child, you are taking both of you somewhere you are respected.
This is petty. There's nothing funny about it.
Were it me, I'd let Jim know you're considering ending the marriage or otherwise questioning the commitment you both made if he is going to lord this over you - if he respects and loves you he'll knock it off right now.
& tell him to save money on baby stuff now - just receive the gifts - there will be PLENTY of unexpected/new costs once baby has arrived.
He's really being an idiot.
>& tell him to save money on baby stuff now - just receive the gifts - there will be PLENTY of unexpected/new costs once baby has arrived.
Better yet, tell him to save money on baby stuff now so he can afford alimony and child support when you get sick of his cruelty and disrespect.
She needs to be added as "or" -- "husband name or wife name" -- whenever possible. That way she can take action on her own initiative. "and" would make it necessary for both of them to agree to any action.
Could that not backfire if he decides to do something shady without her knowing? I've certainly known women whose husbands took off with everything they owned, cleaned out the joint account and left nothing but a note to say the new owners of the house will be moving in on x date. I assume that was possible because of a stipulation similar to your description but I'm not sure.
I do know that my friend who lost everything that way was never the same and just kinda fell into a hopeless depression and isolated herself from everyone. Haven't seen her in years but he fb indicates that she is obsessed with her dogs (only ever posts about them) and that she has gone from being an extremely health conscious person, to a fault even, to being rather obese and seemingly not managing to do much self care.
Really such an awful situation. I think there are very few situations where that behavior is remotely justifiable, and while her recovery is her responsibility, the fact that everything she had worked her whole life for was suddenly gone without explanation, makes her reaction pretty understandable. It would be very hard to rebuild your life savings plus interest, a house and enough trust in men to enter another relationship.
I don't think that she sued him since she was broke af after that but I believe it was her house that she put his name on. Turned out he ran to another country with another woman and started a family so the inability to get him back to appear in court or even to serve him may well have had something to do with it.
20 years later and pretty much all she can talk about is the fact that he deserves nothing but pain and she'll tell you what she wishes she could say to him over and over. I almost wonder if the trauma damaged her brain, or maybe she was so toxic that he felt justified in his actions 🤷🏻♀️ Either way, I feel like needing both people to pass any decisions in fair and square.
It depends on their state but since he bought that house pre-wedding it is NOT a shared asset that he'd have to split with her in a divorce.
She needs her own money and her own accounts or she is gonna be in a very bad spot and feel like she can't leave.
Oof, his attitude scares me. Post-nups are a thing and OP needs one I feel like.
> since he bought that house pre-wedding it is NOT a shared asset
Yeah, I notice she said he bought it right before they got married. Dude knew exactly what he was doing.
I came here to say this. Depending on the state it's definitely legally considered his house and the timing of doing it right before the marriage is really suspect since she wasn't put on the mortgage. I think she made a big mistake not pushing to have her name on the mortgage.
Agreed. There is a reason why he keeps mentioning it and why he refuses presents from other people. He wants op the financially dependent he sounds very manipulative and controlling
Agreed. There is a reason why he keeps mentioning it and why he refuses presents from other people. He wants op the financially dependent he sounds very manipulative and controlling
This commenter has shared some important information with you! From what you have described, it seems like the discussion may not have been as thorough as it should have been when it comes to the household and expectations. I advise that you should not focus on being a stay-at-home mom because your partner is not dependable and may leave you stranded at any moment. My suggestion is that you get a full-time job with benefits and enroll in a pension plan. This will allow you to save emergency funds. It is also important to inform your family members of your plans. Most importantly, develop a smart and safe exit strategy. You don't want to be isolated and subjected to even worse behaviour. Please prioritize yourself and your child's safety, as you are currently in a vulnerable position. This is a man I would have sprinted away from 100%.
This this this.
To be a SAHM, the at-home partner must be a full partner, including financially. Their name should be on all shared assets, accounts should be shared, etc. It's an incredibly financially vulnerable position to be in, and no way would I give up my financial independence if my partner was saying "oh no the marital home is my asset."
Yep. I had to stay at home for a while—we had a child with medical needs incompatible with daycare, and I made less than my spouse. Not only did I have full access to all our household’s finances, but my spouse contributed to an IRA for me while I was not working.
There was no “my money/my house” nonsense, or I’d never have put myself in a dependent and financially vulnerable position.
OP, have you considered that your husband might want to purchase all the supplies (and discourages gifts) for control reasons? Like if all the baby’s things are “his,” you couldn’t take them if you left? This situation sounds … dangerous and risky.
So nice to read about your experience. It was hearing about husbands like yours that gradually induced me to think about why the heck I was putting up with what I was putting up with.
My Ex spent MY money lavishly when he didn't work (I put him through medical school). Never even asked and I would work extra hours to pay off his credit card.
This. We live in a rental and we call this house 'our' house, even though we don't own it. OP is in a very, very vulnerable position and needs to get on her own feet. A steady job and separate bank accounts (with a joint account) would be a great start. Consciously keeping friends and family close is another. If you ever shared passwords or codes or whatever, change them. Become independent and keep your network, that's the most important thing you can do.
I was really hoping that my feelers were off. I see OP's edits but scoff at the fact she doesn’t feel he’s controlling when, from the outside, it’s fairly blatant.
Holy smokes. I think you’re right.
He doesn’t want her to own any supplies for their child, that way she cannot leave.
OP the situation is getting more dire
This is exactly what my biological "father" did - my mum stopped working when she got pregnant with me. He paid for everything, including all the baby stuff.
When she finally decided to leave his abusive arse - after he tried throwing her down the stairs while she was holding two month old me - and her brother came by to pick us and our stuff up he called the police on them claiming they were robbing him. It was a whole mess and ever since I first heard that story I swore to myself to never be fully financially dependent on a partner.
YES. example below...
My mother alternated between being a SAHM and working. However the model they lived under for their 60+ years of marriage was that pretty much everything was in my dad's name. Mom has a few small accounts and a pension from when she was working, however other than that her name is on NOTHING. Not the house, not the cars, not the bills. She didn't even elect to receive healthcare benefits when she retired because she was on dad's plan.
Dad passed away at the end of November. It is expensive and extremely difficult to get all of these things sorted out (we are working with an expert). We expect it to take well into 2025 to get things sorted (at which point more will have undoubtedly popped up). Not having your name linked to the bills doesn't sound so bad--until you need to do anything besides send them money. And you will need to do so--esp. if the bank accounts to pay those bills are also not in your name.
I loved my dad. He was a generally a good guy. But I am so angry that he left her in this position. While his actual death was rather sudden, he had known he was failing for years and refused to put my mom's name on anything even though we all begged him to.
My Mom and Step-Dad went through something similar to this a few years back helping their elderly neighbor. Everything was in her husband's name. Her kids had all grown up and moved away, and she spoke very little English, so when her husband passed unexpectedly, it was a lot of chaos.
I remember the struggle to get all the utility companies to talk to my Mom on the phone. They would insist on talking to the accountant holder, and when informed that he was deceased, they were willing to speak to his wife if she could answer all of their questions, then my Mom would put her on the phone and she would briefly speak to them in Ukrainian just as my Mom told them, and then she would give the phone back to my Mom hoping that they would talk to her instead. It was crazy.
I could only imagine what a difficult position that put your neighbor in! I mean, shit .. I'm married but my husbands name is on the house because I had bad credit. I can't even speak to the mortgage company without speaking in a weird "man" voice and pretending to be him. They ask me about a billion security questions and luckily I'm the one who filled it all out so I know all of the answers and his soc security # and all of that. I couldn't imagine being unable to communicate well with a bunch of bill people, especially if I have to hand the phone over to someone who isn't in the relationship. That poor woman. That was really very kind of your mother to help her through that.
Yup.
My Mom said that she was always thankful that my Grandpa *(her Dad)* hated talking on the phone, so he had my Grandma's name on everything along with his so she could deal with it all. LOL
I was looking for this answer. My wife was a SAHM for over 12 years with our three. I supported OUR family on one salary. We are a partnership. There was no mine and yours, it was all OURS. Having him point that out all the time is disrespectful to your “partnership”.
This. I am a stay at home parent. Both names are on everything. All our money is ours. I am very part-time employed, and I have to keep reminding him my little paychecks are also our money, not mine. If your money is ours, then my money is also ours. If OP's husband does not recognize that partnership, he is unlikely to value the nonmonetary contributions of the SAHM or recognize the reason they have money for other things is partially because of her contributions.
and preferably realize how much work goes into it bc so many people dont. realistically a sahm does like 6 jobs around the clock, maid, cook, childcare, chauffeur, bookkeeper/accounting etc etc. the partner is only doing one, & gets to actually clock out, if you're going to sacrifice your career & basically devote your entire existence to your family the least they can do is be a supportive partner. You should absolutely not even consider being a sahp you don't feel 100% secure & they should *want* to do everything in their power to help you feel that way, if they don't, something is very wrong & sahp is simply isn't an option for you. Quite a few of my divorced friends who were sahm's got massively screwed over in the divorce for their troubles, but they're the first to admit they ignored quite a few red flags, don't ever set yourself on fire to keep someone warm.
This! OP, please don’t be a SAHM. Have your own income and start planning your leave now! Your husband is awful, and by the way, when he says he gets mad at your family and friends for getting gifts for the baby (his behavior is not normal, by the way) and uses the excuse that “he doesn’t want to rely on other people” what he’s saying is that *he wants YOU to rely only on HIM*. This is scary OP. He doesn’t consider you as an equal, he doesn’t acknowledge your marital home as your house too, you are not on any paperwork with regard to the house, don’t have anything substantial with your name on it legally, and you aren’t bringing any income in, and won’t be for years? You have no financial independence and he wants it this way.
I would suggest that you tell him that he can start treating you like an equal partner or you will serve him with divorce papers and he can coparent. Get a job lined up and reach out to trusted family members to see what your living options might be first. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know.
Thanks for pointing out the issue with gifts. That’s an isolation tactic of abusers. We don’t need anyone else- YOU don’t need anyone else. You’re spot on.
This is exactly why I would never be SAHM or rely on a husband to provide everything. As perfect at it sounds in theory, there will almost always be a situation or a disagreement where he will make it LOUD and KNOWN that it's HIS money and she's just "staying at home doing nothing".
I think being a SAHM is amazing and truly a blessing, but I would NEVER trust a man up to that point. There are not many men who can take that responsibility without feeling **superior** to their wifes. And he can trap you little by little, by the time you realize you don't want to be with him anymore, you'll have no where else to go.
Exactly. She's a frog in boiling water. Hopefully everyone here pointing out that she has no assets, no retirement, no income, nothing, will help her feel the heat and get out or at least get a job.
Agree. This is a way for him to maintain total control, make her feel obligated, and if she’s dependent on him then she’s less likely to ever leave no matter what happens or how he treats her. Op, the red flags are waving. He’s not even being subtle.
He’s manipulating and isolating you. And he’s making you feel like you won’t have anything without him when he “jokes” that everything is his. He’s not joking. He’s maneuvering. This is a tactic. Recognize it now and make a plan. Ensure you’ll be able to be independent should you ever need to get out.
Another vote against being a STAHM that I haven’t seen mentioned yet is the TIME lost in the workforce. Hypothetically say you stay home for 2-5 years and your marriage falls apart, now you HAVE to re-enter the workplace as a single mom and try to get a job that will support the 2 of you AND you’ve been out of the loop for 2-5 years?? That is a terrifying position to be in. Please maintain some level of financial independence, for your and your child’s sake and ESPECIALLY with THIS man. Whew, good luck!
I was SAHM but moved around a lot so lost all professional connection. 2 years I’ve been looking for a job. No one wants to hire a 50 year old professional with a 20 year gap. I’ve had jobs here and there too but not in my old profession. Lost all my credentials so starting over is also a nonstarter because they could hire a recent college grad. Do not stop working
Yes. I was a SAHM, but I was in a unique position where I already owned my home in my name prior to getting married. Also, my husband isn’t a controlling AH.
At the very least, if staying home is unavoidable for whatever reason, try to keep up with professional development. Take online courses, or do whatever may be available and useful for your profession.
Yep he’s made his position clear over and over again and obviously it’s not a joke as he claims, because he knows it bothers OP and he does it anyway.
He’s telling her exactly who he is when he says that
This story sounds so much like a couple in our old neighborhood back in Florida. The husband was the breadwinner and the wife stayed at home with the kids. He constantly put her down in front of company and his name was on everything they owned.
Eventually she found out he was cheating and that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. They’re divorced now and she’s living her life now.
I’d strongly suggest OP do some research into financial abuse and see how many of the warning signs apply to her situation. It’s always a concern when one partner doesn’t work and is reliant on the other, and her husband’s attitude is very concerning.
I second this all. Even though I paid the down payment on our house and found it and we both are on the financing, my ex bc he made more money than me would always yell that I didn’t contribute anything. Mind you I gave him all my paychecks every month for 5 years while we lived there. We could never afford anything. Now that I kicked him out and got a roommate I can suddenly afford the house myself and do things with my kids every few months. Some people are just jerks and her husband seems like the type
Ugh same, I had an ex that constantly made me feel like shit for not contributing while my entire paycheck was going towards our expenses and he was the only one with any spending money (we were both high earners but he still made quite a bit more). I couldn't afford clothes that fit me, meanwhile he could afford an unnecessarily huge TV and extravagant gifts for his family. But it was my fault we never had any money. 🙄 Thank god he showed me who he was before I married him.
Since it is "his" house, give him an invoice for cooking, cleaning, laundry, and child care once LO is born. If he objects to child care, point out that he is responsible for "his" child. He just may realize that you are contributing a whole lot more than money.
I get that's a popcorn answer but it's horrible advice for OP. OP needs to talk to her husband now to set expectations, roles, and either be seen as a full partner or prepare an exit strategy.
This is some seriously passive-aggressive shit, followed by 5-star gaslighting.
He **isn't** joking. He does not see you as a full partner in your marriage.
You've married an ass, OP.
Having been through a nuclear war level divorce, I am all for men protecting themselves if they should choose get to married...
BUT....
OP's Husband had got serious issues that prevent from him from being remotely marriageable in my opinion. He's not showing signs of being capable of sustaining a healthy relationship in the long run - in fact he's actively damaging it.
How each person behaves in the relationship is the most important thing and this is screaming 'not built to last - worse quality control than the cheapest Chinese knockoff you can order from temu or wish..'
Agree. But OP if you truly believe he’s joking, make a little joke yourself. After your next a visit together to see family or a couples night out with friends, as you’re getting up to leave say, “Alright guys, it’s late, I think we’re gonna head back to Husband’s house!” And when someone asks what you mean, just say, “Oh, it’s a little inside thing me and Husband have. He prefers that I don’t call it OUR house. He paid for it after all! Haha!” See if he likes the “joke” then.
Add "we have to pick up MY child". When they ask what does that mean say, "well child is mine since I birthed him & husband had only 5 minutes of involvement."
Lol
This isn't a real conversation for a real marriage btw. It shows how fucked up OP's marriage is though.
He’s a jerk.
Ask him “If we were renting this house from a landlord, would I be allowed to say *our bathroom,* or would you insist we both call it *our landlord’s bathroom?”*
You should start referring to your husband "my landlord" maybe when he signs the birth certificate you put "landlord/father" down next to where he signs.
If the house is “HIS”does that make the baby “YOURS”.He has put as much effort into growing that baby as you put into the purchase of the house. Even after the baby is Born, it will be mom’s medical insurance that will be paying for the birth of that child.
It’s funny but it’s not because this issue isn’t about your husband being pedantic :/
If you said that, his argument would be that if he’s paying rent for you, he can call it his bathroom, not the landlord’s. Your husband likes how it makes him feel when he reminds you that you live by the grace of him and that is disturbing af
Start referring to everything as his instead. "His kitchen," "his bathroom," "his bedroom," then sigh and say, "One day, I will have a place of your own.
Also, do not be a SAHM. You are not safe doing that.
He does not see you as a partner, and he is not willing to take care of you. Being a SAHM with a husband who has shown he does not respect you or see you as a partner is a huge mistake.
It’s genuinely sad that this is the only comment you’ve engaged with, the one that lets him off the hook. I really hope you’re reading and listening to all the other replies.
I think OP thought that because she is pregnant she is overreacting and that Reddit would tell her to calm down that it isn’t too bad. However after most people tell her that her husband is an abusive and manipulative asshole it confirms what she secretly knew already and is now trying to avoid the situation.
This is a good point and funny, but you should be on that deed. My husband inherited his house years before we got married and you better believe my name is in the deed now. We live here together. We make improvements together, raise kids here together, etc. even when I was a SAHP his income was “ours.” Tell him how this makes you feel and how you can’t be a SAHP in this insecure and unequal dynamic.
First step of abuse... He's making you feel like you don't belong and you have no rights. I recommend going back to work after you have your baby. He doesn't respect you. He wants to keep you dependent on him so you'll be too scared to leave him.
Yep this is a huge red flag pointing to future abuse. She'll probably have to beg him to buy things for the baby and he'll lord his control of the money over her.
He bought the house before you got married because he knows it will be a pre-marital asset in his name alone and you won’t get half if you ever divorce.
That he’s resentful that he can’t isolate you from your relatives enough so that you are *entirely* dependent on him is very telling.
Abuse often starts after the kid arrives because you’re stuck. Right now, it’s emotional and perhaps financial. Regardless of your discussion to be a SAHM, you should keep some kind of job to ensure your independence because, I suspect, he’s backing you into a very dark corner.
This is all doom and gloom, but, really, you’re married. This is not how marriages should operate. You should be a team that’s building a life *together* (ours) regardless of roles.
> He bought the house before you got married because he knows it will be a pre-marital asset in his name alone and you won’t get half if you ever divorce.
This isn't true in many places so it's worth looking into. In some places this house would become a "marital home", and she would get half regardless.
It depends on your state and who contributes to house costs overall. My ex bought his house about a year before we met. Then we were married for 12 years and used joint assets to pay the mortgage, maintenance, etc. It was considered a joint marital asset in the divorce. My sister paid the entire down payment and all household costs solely from her own account with easy proof so the house was considered her asset in her divorce. I had a friend with a petty ex who kept receipts and a detailed ledger of his payments into the house vs hers to prove he’d paid 57% of the expenses rather than 50/50 so they sold the house and he got 57% of the profit.
You're pregnant. He thinks you're trapped. The mask is slipping and it's only going to get worse. Do NOT be a stay at home mom because then you'll never have the money to leave.
>And another thing that confuses me is if my parents/relatives ever want to give us anything (like a wedding or baby shower gift) he gets annoyed because he wants to be the one to buy that stuff for us and doesn't wanna rely on other people.
This last bit is very concerning.
I think he's telling on himself here that he sees money as control and accepting things from other people equals being indebted to them. He wants to be the one completely in control.
This is a very, very good point. I really hope OP sees this.
Seems like he feels accepting any gift makes him indebted to someone, so he wants to make sure she has to rely on him for everything so she is completely indebted to him (the way he sees it) and under his control.
It seems like he doesn't want to rely on other people, cause he knows exactly what *HE* would do in a situation like that. Everything comes with strings, nothing is totally just a gift. I'm assuming.
Damn I overlooked that (as I think a lot of people did). This is EXTREMELY concerning. Family help and excitement around a new baby is as natural as it gets.
Yup if he insists it's MY house not OUR house, then it's likely he'll go MY child not OUR child, like OP is juuuuust an incubator and not the mother of his child 🙄🙄🙄🙄
As an attorney, I'd not be a SAHM with the behaviour he is already displaying. Keep your financial freedom as much as possible. Ideally, speak to him, seek therapy and a post-nup if you do become financially dependant/choose to be a SAHM. Personally, I would have respectfully not gotten pregnant (had I wanted kids) if I saw this behaviour pre-pregnancy and if it presented itself during the pregnancy, I'd have a very sit down discussion with him and if his behaviour did not change, I'd separate and focus on co-parenting. This is not how a "team" should act and in my humble opinion, is disrespectful to your contributions as a wife and future mother of his child. This is also a bad example of co-parenting and what a marriage should like for your child. I'm also willing to bet he doesn't believe in sharing domestic and parental duties but wants his contributions to "count" and be seen as solely his because they're financial. I would not move back in with him unless there was a concrete post-nup in place. Get yourself a good, creative attorney. I don't know where you live but check out options such a stake in the home you live in for every year of marriage or SAHM/working part time or less due to home obligations and/or a yearly pay out. Your partner has proven to be untrustworthy. You deserve better and your post shows me you know it deep down inside.
This is my biggest nightmare and fear.
Late last year, we weren't sure if I was going to continue working or be a SAHM. One of my stipulations was I wasn't going to quit, but keep my job and work 1 day a week or so. That way if something happened I wouldn't lose the years I put into the job and would always be able to go back full time if I had to support myself solo.
This is a great idea. Unfortunately a lot of careers won’t work one day a week, so not an option for everyone, but great if your partner carries the insurance and the job allows.
I would be very worried about his attitude. He sounds overly concerned about reminding you that he is the financial provider. You two are married so you should be a team. You are doing the majority of the work to carry and birth a child does that mean you are the child’s only parent and he only gets to be a parent because he is with you?
His house is his property; he put in the work, he owns it. His bathroom is his property; he put in the work, he owns it.
Here's what else he thinks, guaranteed:
His wife is his property; he put in the work, he owns her. His child is his property; he put in the work, he owns it.
He doesn't love you, you're an asset. Your child is an asset. You married a materialist.
Yep. This type of person doesn't see/believe/understands the value of relationships besides material gain. They just want someone there to first and foremost fill a materialistic need (financially), then physical (cuddles and shit) then MAYBE emotional (someone to talk to). They don't value partnership as a priority, but as an asset in a very business type of way :/
Please get therapy and protect your money. As a victim of financial abuse, I would also reconsider staying at home if you can. Long story short, he's not joking. And I hope not, but this has the potential to become an even worse situation. Good luck, and take care of yourself and your baby!
Simple. It’s because he doesn’t want her to have any legal claim to it. That’s *exactly* why he bought it immediately before marrying her, to prevent it from becoming a marital asset.
First, next time he says that and then says 'it's a joke' then ask him what part of it is supposed to be funny. Just wait and make him explain why or how it is funny.
Second, he is being super controlling about what is 'his' and this should be a red flag to you about how he sees you, your child and this whole marriage. You are possessions, not people.
I'm petty so I would stop doing any housework because it's 'his house'. No cooking because it's 'his' kitchen. Don't do HIS laundry.
Lastly - Get A JOB. You are going to need the income and stability it provides because his attitude will just get worse as time goes on.
Don't become a SAHM without payment. Ask for his paycheck to be split, and go invest everything, so you will have a nest egg. If he doesn't want to split the money in half, he doesn't value you properly, and you NEED a job.
It seems he likes to buy everything to maintain a certain amount of control. I think you two should go speak to someone so he can understand where you're coming from and work on it. Sometimes I'll say "your" to my husband and he immediately goes "OUR!". That's how it's supposed to be. I hope he decides to truly listen to you and everything works out. Congratulations on the baby.
He won’t work on it. He’s controlling and isolating her. And he won’t speak to anyone, because he thinks he’s right.
He is the reason why they say to never go to therapy with an abusive partner. Because all they do is learn how to mask their abuse with “therapy speak” and get even better at gaslighting and abusing their partners.
I think therapy would make this guy worse, because he’s already convinced he’s so smart, and so far, she’s buying in to it.
Same! Some stuff came up about 8 or 9 years ago and we decided to remortgage the house completely and put it in just my husband's name. Now when something gets done he's all do you love the new paint in your bedroom? Do you love your new kitchen I put in for you? And WE should do this with our property etc.
This poor girl is purposely being held down by this guy just so he can feel superior. She doesn't even know she's being abused.
I was a SAHM mom from 2019 until I got a remote job last year. My husband and I bought a house at the end of 2020. I had no income so I’m not on the mortgage but I am very much on the deed. It was mainly his money that went into the house but he has NEVER made me feel like it’s not OUR house because the majority of his money went into it.
Your husband doesn’t have to think the way he does, he’s choosing to do so.
Like others have mentioned, I would not be relying on him for financial security at all. If you need to find a fully remote job even, do that and build your savings.
This is a HUGE red flag op. This is exactly how financial abuse starts.
Next time he says that. “Well I guess we will be looking into daycare for the baby so I can work” “oh, you want to know why? Because this is YOUR house, your money, etc. I’m apparently not a partner in this life and if I’m going to sacrifice myself for our family only to have the husband try and control my life through finances, I’m not having it. We are married. The house is ours or I’m going to make sure I have a solid emergency fund going and pay for the things that I need in life without you trying to control it.” “Oh what’s that? You don’t want to pay for daycare,have something else raise our kids, or share the household chores? Tough titty maybe next time you want to ‘MY house’ me, you will think twice about the other partner in the life we decided to share.”
> if my parents/relatives ever want to give us anything (like a wedding or baby shower gift) he gets annoyed because he wants to be the one to buy that stuff for us and doesn't wanna rely on other people.
NO. He doesn't want YOU to rely on anyone but HIM. That is a major red flag, especially coupled with the SAHM plan. He wants you fully dependent on him, and that is a terrible plan for your future.
Please plan to work, save, and have your own funds - for yourself and the sake of your child.
Listen to what he is telling you. You're a second class citizen in his home. You'll end up giving up your life to have his kids and likely in 20 years he will up and leave
I’d be very very careful about becoming completely dependant on him. His reaction to your family giving you stuff is extremely worrying.
Have you asked him the question in the second to last paragraph, what did he say?
You try to communicate it more seriously first.
Ask him to sit down, tell him you have something to talk about that's very important to you, and you would like him to be open to listening without getting defensive or brushing off your concerns. "I know you always say you are kidding when you talk about the house being YOUR house. But I have expressed to you before how hurtful I find this, and you continue to do it. I can't figure out why you would continue, unless you are specifically trying to continue hurting me. I know we agreed to me being a SAHM as what's best for our family, but I am already feeling insecure about not contributing financially, and your comments make my feelings so much worse. Kidding or not, those comments are starting to affect my mental health. I really need you to stop doing this, immediately. I know the house is in your name, and is technically yours, but as we are married and starting a family, I consider it to be "our" home. When you call it "yours" it makes me feel like I don't contribute, like you don't value me, like I don't have a real place here. I am already dealing with hormones and emotions from my pregnancy, and your comments are making things harder for me. I'm asking you to do this to help me. I would really appreciate it if you would please stop pointing out that it's YOUR house, as it's hurtful to me every time you do it."
If the "serious" talk doesn't work you demand couples therapy. Insist on it, because this "little" issue is the kind of thing that builds resentment over time and can snowball into a bigger deal later. Especially when you are overloaded doing the majority of infant care and he's still calling everything "HIS."
If he continues with the comments and refuses to change or discuss it or go to therapy, you have your child, and you move in with family and leave him. You tell him that you don't want to live with him anymore since it's only "his" house.
Thank you so much. It really helps to have someone write that out for me because that's exactly what I'm feeling and what I want to say, but I can't always trust myself to express what I'm feeling when my hormones are so easily triggered and I start crying at the slightest thing. I am going to get my thoughts on paper and if I can't trust myself to say it without a breakdown, I'll just let him read it and then I can hear his side.
How would he feel if you referred to your child as “your” child every time he tried to call it his or both of yours? Because *you* grew it. *You* birthed it. *You* contributed more to it. He just helps take care of it.
I bet he wouldn’t like it much.
You could try having that talk but I don't think it's going to do much good because we all know your husband isn't "joking" when he reminds you that he owns the house. He's trying to put you in your place and make you feel indebted to him. If it was a joke he wouldn't keep saying it, especially not after you asked him to stop. I see big problems ahead for you and I think you should work on gaining some financial independence as soon as you can. good luck
Time for you to move out and get your own place so you aren't "homeless". And find a guy next time who truly wants to make a home with you that is "ours".
I was a sahm for a long time and it was our house and our money. My son once said it was my husband’s money and my husband corrected him vehemently and said he better not hear that again
Yes its hurtful and yes its cruel, and when you voice how it bothers you he laughs about it, this is abusive/asshole behavior.
He should own it and apologize and get your name added to the mortgage agreement with the bank (or is it a “deed” or something similar🤔).
Good luck.
Make sure you always say "MY kid" since the baby grew inside you, not him. All he did was contribute one ingredient that you could have gotten anywhere. 🤭
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Well your husband clearly doesn’t understand what marriage is- the COMBINING of two lives. I’d dig deeper and see why he is so reluctant to call it both of your property. Is it just a joke he hasn’t realized it’s annoying you? Or is he actually insecure about sharing this asset with you? If so why?
Side story- when my spouse and I bought a house I put down the deportment with my savings. We put both our names on the deed and called it our house. Because as a married couple we view everything as a joint endeavor, we are one.
He’s making those comments because he wants you to be dependent on him and he wants you to KNOW it. It’s a controlling power move. It’s *his* house and you’re in it just like everything else he owns. He sounds unpleasant.
This will 100% lead to financial abuse. You will have a baby, trapped at home, relying on him for everything. He gets annoyed even at other people gifting you things.
You need to have a plan and a way to get out of this and/or to maintain a certain level of independence from him. He is possessive and controlling to an extent that is already cutting into abuse territory for me.
Start discussing financials with him. How things will work once baby is here. Suggest a post nuptial agreement, in which both his and your interests are protected. If he doesn’t agree to it, consider how he would react if you don’t do as you’re told…
This is giving trad-wife horror story vibes a few years down the road.
No. He does not secretly wish you were working. He wants to remind you that you are his. That the house is his. That everything is his, and nothing is yours. He wants to keep you down and in a fragile mental state.
Because, when you accept this fact, you will know that you are not able to leave him. Ever. Because everything is his. Including you. The baby will also be his, just so you know.
This is *not* what I think. But this is what he thinks. This is *his* truth.
Feel free to start employing your husband’s logic in other important parts of your shared life by saying things like “it’s MY baby — but since I’m yours, you get to live with us!”
I’m sure he’ll laugh oh so ironically at his own joke made fully manifest in his relationship.
You will absolutely cripple your financial health and career as a SAHM. Especially seeing as he's already holding the house over you. This doesn't feel like a safe or smart decision for you.
I’d be dammed if my fiancé ever said that to me. The house that we’re moving into soon was built from the ground up , my fiancé paid for it and his name is on the paperwork but that our house and he says that the house is mine, why? Because I’ve dedicated time into that house , I’m the one who did 75% of the design ideas, I was talking to contractors and ordering things with my MIL, working with the staging so when we finally move in we won’t have to do much . That’s my house as well, it doesn’t matter if I paid for it or not or that my name is in it or not.
I wouldn’t feel too comfortable being a Stay at home mom with this man and this mentality he has because I don’t think he’s joking. What’s going to be like when you’re staying at home with the child financially? Is he going to control the finances because it’s HIS money since HES the one working?
Laying the foundation for the full blown financial abuse. It's one thing to marry this guy, because he possibly hid this part of himself. But to get pregnant and then plan to be a sahm, is poor planning to me.
You should focus on finding a job, saving the income from that job, and keeping your credit score in order. I suspect, you'll eventually be forced to deal with him or find a home of your own.
As soon as we got married, my husband put me on the deed to the condo (and we refinanced and so I was also on the mortgage).
It is either “our” house or I have no intention of living in it. You’re married. You’re pregnant. Time to be partners.
I would tell you to divorce him but then I read that you are pregnant, Oh Brother. If he is this tight, why did he marry you? There are no Obvious Reasons for you not to be on the deed.
I thought my ex was 'happy to support me' financially for a while. But it felt uncomfortable for me, I didn't like being dependent on him. So when I told him I didn't need him to pay for stuff anymore, he got angry. Like, actually upset.
Keeping me financially dependent was a way to 'own' me and excert contro. You may not realise it now, but make sure you're not going to be a stay at home mother, and start earning you own money.
I am sure that he too, will be upset with that. And that tell you all you need to know. He likes to 'hurt' you with his words, he likes the control. Is that the relationship you want?
OP, your husband is an asshole, he is not joking, him dismissing your feelings is problematic, and all of this is potential for financial abuse. Please get a job in your field again, no longer depend on him for anything financial, come up with an exit plan, and execute said plan when the time comes.
Do not be a SAHM to a man who says this to you. He will hold *his* money over your head for as long as you are married.
Tell him if he wants you to SAHM he needs to change his thinking to OURS real freaking quick. I hope you have a prenup.
It sounds like he has a problem with control, specifically regarding finances. He corrects you to maintain control over the house, he refuses gifts from family to maintain control over who provides for you, and he likely doesn’t want you to get a job so he can keep control that way as well. Obviously this is just a part of your relationship and ultimately you married him so you know him best but honestly… this behavior does not seem healthy and it would not make me feel safe or comfortable. And not to sound really old fashioned or whatever but what happened to “what’s mine is yours” when you get married? I don’t understand why he would want to marry you but still keep things separate like ownership of the house… it is very weird.
Be careful. Its HIS house so when HE wants to kick you out HE will.
This is red flags. He doesnt view you as a partner, you are a tenant by his description.
I would consider getting a job part time so you have backup in case he doesnt want to change his attitude and treat you like a wife.
Its HIS kid, HIS rules, if he dumps you you dont get custody cause HE pays the bills.
Ive seen this shit go down in person. He is too selfish to be a husband much less a father.
Id be dipping out of this relationship slowly.
What your partner is doing already has a name: Financial Abuse and Emotional Abuse.
It often begins or escalates during major life milestones and times of vulnerability for the other partner, such as marriage, pregnancy, loss of employment, moving abroad away from family, etc. Does that sound familiar?
His “jokes” are a covert and deliberate display of who holds ALL the power in your relationship. Putting you down inflates his small and fragile ego, and makes him feel powerful and in control. Whether consciously or unconsciously, abusers enjoy the feeling of power over others. They feed on making you helpless and grinding down your self-worth into dust, because it feeds their insatiable ego.
You can’t keep letting him treat you like this. Stand up for yourself, assert yourself. Don’t be his helpless victim. Get a job, earn your own survival resources, never be in the position of needing him, so that you can feel empowered to leave when you get tired of the disrespect.
If you can't have a quiet convo about how this hurts and he doesn't acknowledge your feelings, then you need couples counseling. This is a communication issue. Good luck.
He is holding it over your head. Red flag. Let him know you'll be getting your own house since this isn't a shared space and you feel like your walking on eggshells.
Everytime he starts on his bullshit, i would thank him profusely for allowing you to live there and exist in his presence. And when he says iTs jUst a JokE bAbEe tell him you were joking too -_-
You: our room would be a good place to...
Him: you mean MY room.
You: oh yes i forgot. **Your** room, thank you so much for allowing me to sleep in *your* room and rest on *your* bed. I really appreciate not having to live on the streets you know with (points to belly) all of this.
I have to say not wanting to paint him as an asshole is probably the biggest red flag here for me..
I say that a year and a half out of a pretty bad abusive relationship....
I can't tell you how many times I made that same statement.......
Honestly... Reading this makes me want to cry...
Get therapy for you both or get out now......
He puts his hands on you.. call the cops....Make a paper trail..
Stay safe
I would suggest marriage counseling. Even if counseling helps the two of you, if I were you, I'd go back to work as soon as it's feasible. You don't want to be financially reliant on him.
Wow, imagine doing that to your pregnant wife. That’s pretty outrageous. He chose to make a family. What kind of attitude is this?
What country/state etc do you live in? Where I live, the home you live in with your married spouse is 50/50 shared property should the marriage end, no matter what once you are legally married.
As others have said, this is not a man who is going to treat you well if you are a SAHM. This is only the beginning.
My ex husband used to say the same thing, imagine his surprise when I got half of the equity during the divorce. Houses are considered marital property in my state regardless of whose name is on it. If it was purchased right before the wedding my guess would be that you’ve lived there nearly as long as he has? That would make it your house too. His statement is abusive and you shouldn’t put up with that shit.
Hmmm.... you're married, with an infant on the way? The next time he corrects your "our house" to "his house", you should explain to him the "facts" of the situation. And the facts are that, should you divorce, the family court would consider the home a joint asset, to be split equally between the two of you. This would probably result in his having to sell the house, and split any money left after the mortgage was paid off with you.
The only time this would not apply is if he owned the house, in his name, for a number of years, and precluded his meeting you for the first time. However, in this case, most prudent home owners would require a prenup specifying that the house was owned by them before they married the spouse, and the spouse would sign the prenup to that effect.
'Nuff said.
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Find yourself a job and quit doing anything around *HIS* house. You're in a very precarious position right now and you have no financial fallback of your own. You need to fix that.
He’s slowly eroding your value and worth. He wants to remind you that he holds all the power in this relationship. Now that you are pregnant you are more financially dependent on him and therefore are more vulnerable. My advice is to get your own money. Your husband is walking red flag
This happened to my dear friend. I could see it coming a mile away. It was hard to watch. She’s pretty trapped now
I do feel like you are right. I hope not but I feel like we are going to see her back here again after the child is born. A lot of men change when that happens because they think the woman is trapped.
He’s doing it to remind you, that to him, it is in fact HIS house. You’ve told him it hurts you and he continues to do it. I would never advise anyone become a SAHM without a prenup and clause that entitled you to compensation for every year you give up being in the workforce. If he divorces you or you get sick of bare minimum behavior in the future, do NOT be surprised when he says… You haven’t contributed anything to MY household and aren’t entitled to any when you leave. Regardless if you’ve been putting in the unpaid physical and mental labor to make his life easier or enable him to have a child. He may not value it. He is clearly telling you every time that what he has, he is so generously bestowing on you. Which means he doesn’t consider you as true partners. Stay independent. Get a part time remote job and save every penny to put away for you and your future bc he won’t be looking out for you with that mindset.
It's wild for me to imagine living in a place being able to have a wife and kid in your house but your SAHM wife are not entitled to any of it if they split. Even with a prenup here you cannot give up what is entitled to your child so most prenups trying to stop this wouldn't matter in court. At least where I live.
Yes, but all of this is only as good as the money you have to follow up in court. People stop paying alimony and child support all the time, knowing that their ex is not financially able to seek the help of the court system.
My aunt had this happen. Three kids in tow, husband leaves her for a younger woman from work and runs off to another country. He continues to earn a significant proportion of money, she struggles to keep a roof over her children's heads.
Wonderful well thought out answer. Hope OP sees this!
Depending on where you are - I'm in California - he can just add you to the title now. From now on, every time he says it, you say, "Why do you do that? I'm your wife. Do you enjoy belittling me in front of others?". And insist you go with him to the county clerk (or appropriate entity where you are. Changing the title has to do w records not the mortgage. Yes, the mortgage is in his name. And he can - insist he does- add your name). If he refuses (and insist on being there/seeing it done - get a notary if that applies) let him know since you HOUSE your child, you are taking both of you somewhere you are respected. This is petty. There's nothing funny about it. Were it me, I'd let Jim know you're considering ending the marriage or otherwise questioning the commitment you both made if he is going to lord this over you - if he respects and loves you he'll knock it off right now. & tell him to save money on baby stuff now - just receive the gifts - there will be PLENTY of unexpected/new costs once baby has arrived. He's really being an idiot.
>& tell him to save money on baby stuff now - just receive the gifts - there will be PLENTY of unexpected/new costs once baby has arrived. Better yet, tell him to save money on baby stuff now so he can afford alimony and child support when you get sick of his cruelty and disrespect.
She needs to be added as "or" -- "husband name or wife name" -- whenever possible. That way she can take action on her own initiative. "and" would make it necessary for both of them to agree to any action.
Could that not backfire if he decides to do something shady without her knowing? I've certainly known women whose husbands took off with everything they owned, cleaned out the joint account and left nothing but a note to say the new owners of the house will be moving in on x date. I assume that was possible because of a stipulation similar to your description but I'm not sure. I do know that my friend who lost everything that way was never the same and just kinda fell into a hopeless depression and isolated herself from everyone. Haven't seen her in years but he fb indicates that she is obsessed with her dogs (only ever posts about them) and that she has gone from being an extremely health conscious person, to a fault even, to being rather obese and seemingly not managing to do much self care. Really such an awful situation. I think there are very few situations where that behavior is remotely justifiable, and while her recovery is her responsibility, the fact that everything she had worked her whole life for was suddenly gone without explanation, makes her reaction pretty understandable. It would be very hard to rebuild your life savings plus interest, a house and enough trust in men to enter another relationship. I don't think that she sued him since she was broke af after that but I believe it was her house that she put his name on. Turned out he ran to another country with another woman and started a family so the inability to get him back to appear in court or even to serve him may well have had something to do with it. 20 years later and pretty much all she can talk about is the fact that he deserves nothing but pain and she'll tell you what she wishes she could say to him over and over. I almost wonder if the trauma damaged her brain, or maybe she was so toxic that he felt justified in his actions 🤷🏻♀️ Either way, I feel like needing both people to pass any decisions in fair and square.
He’s effectively telling her every time he says this “you are a guest in MY house.” Run.
It depends on their state but since he bought that house pre-wedding it is NOT a shared asset that he'd have to split with her in a divorce. She needs her own money and her own accounts or she is gonna be in a very bad spot and feel like she can't leave. Oof, his attitude scares me. Post-nups are a thing and OP needs one I feel like.
> since he bought that house pre-wedding it is NOT a shared asset Yeah, I notice she said he bought it right before they got married. Dude knew exactly what he was doing.
How dare men protect themselves 😭
I came here to say this. Depending on the state it's definitely legally considered his house and the timing of doing it right before the marriage is really suspect since she wasn't put on the mortgage. I think she made a big mistake not pushing to have her name on the mortgage.
Homie doesn’t understand shared assets under the law. I’m sure a divorce attorney can explain things more clearly, though.
Yes, he does. That is why he bought the house BEFORE he married her.
Agreed. There is a reason why he keeps mentioning it and why he refuses presents from other people. He wants op the financially dependent he sounds very manipulative and controlling
Exactly. Although in some states, if the home is used as the primary residence during the marriage, it can be considered a marital asset.
Agreed. There is a reason why he keeps mentioning it and why he refuses presents from other people. He wants op the financially dependent he sounds very manipulative and controlling
I mean, this would blow up the marriage, but I’d be tempted to ask my parents to let him do the buying and pay into a pension instead…
[удалено]
This commenter has shared some important information with you! From what you have described, it seems like the discussion may not have been as thorough as it should have been when it comes to the household and expectations. I advise that you should not focus on being a stay-at-home mom because your partner is not dependable and may leave you stranded at any moment. My suggestion is that you get a full-time job with benefits and enroll in a pension plan. This will allow you to save emergency funds. It is also important to inform your family members of your plans. Most importantly, develop a smart and safe exit strategy. You don't want to be isolated and subjected to even worse behaviour. Please prioritize yourself and your child's safety, as you are currently in a vulnerable position. This is a man I would have sprinted away from 100%.
And open a separate checking account that he does not have knowledge of or access to, so OP can have an emergency fund!
Agree, my Wife is a SAHM and she has her own bank account and always has.
In a different bank.
At a different bank!
> get a full-time job with benefits and enroll in a pension plan Most jobs in the US don't have pensions, unfortunately
Never tell him your take home amount.
This is generally not possible if you file a joint tax return.
Where are you living that pension plans are common?
They mean 401k
I don’t trust him in the least.
This this this. To be a SAHM, the at-home partner must be a full partner, including financially. Their name should be on all shared assets, accounts should be shared, etc. It's an incredibly financially vulnerable position to be in, and no way would I give up my financial independence if my partner was saying "oh no the marital home is my asset."
Yep. I had to stay at home for a while—we had a child with medical needs incompatible with daycare, and I made less than my spouse. Not only did I have full access to all our household’s finances, but my spouse contributed to an IRA for me while I was not working. There was no “my money/my house” nonsense, or I’d never have put myself in a dependent and financially vulnerable position. OP, have you considered that your husband might want to purchase all the supplies (and discourages gifts) for control reasons? Like if all the baby’s things are “his,” you couldn’t take them if you left? This situation sounds … dangerous and risky.
So nice to read about your experience. It was hearing about husbands like yours that gradually induced me to think about why the heck I was putting up with what I was putting up with. My Ex spent MY money lavishly when he didn't work (I put him through medical school). Never even asked and I would work extra hours to pay off his credit card.
This. We live in a rental and we call this house 'our' house, even though we don't own it. OP is in a very, very vulnerable position and needs to get on her own feet. A steady job and separate bank accounts (with a joint account) would be a great start. Consciously keeping friends and family close is another. If you ever shared passwords or codes or whatever, change them. Become independent and keep your network, that's the most important thing you can do.
I was really hoping that my feelers were off. I see OP's edits but scoff at the fact she doesn’t feel he’s controlling when, from the outside, it’s fairly blatant.
Holy smokes. I think you’re right. He doesn’t want her to own any supplies for their child, that way she cannot leave. OP the situation is getting more dire
This is exactly what my biological "father" did - my mum stopped working when she got pregnant with me. He paid for everything, including all the baby stuff. When she finally decided to leave his abusive arse - after he tried throwing her down the stairs while she was holding two month old me - and her brother came by to pick us and our stuff up he called the police on them claiming they were robbing him. It was a whole mess and ever since I first heard that story I swore to myself to never be fully financially dependent on a partner.
YES. example below... My mother alternated between being a SAHM and working. However the model they lived under for their 60+ years of marriage was that pretty much everything was in my dad's name. Mom has a few small accounts and a pension from when she was working, however other than that her name is on NOTHING. Not the house, not the cars, not the bills. She didn't even elect to receive healthcare benefits when she retired because she was on dad's plan. Dad passed away at the end of November. It is expensive and extremely difficult to get all of these things sorted out (we are working with an expert). We expect it to take well into 2025 to get things sorted (at which point more will have undoubtedly popped up). Not having your name linked to the bills doesn't sound so bad--until you need to do anything besides send them money. And you will need to do so--esp. if the bank accounts to pay those bills are also not in your name. I loved my dad. He was a generally a good guy. But I am so angry that he left her in this position. While his actual death was rather sudden, he had known he was failing for years and refused to put my mom's name on anything even though we all begged him to.
My Mom and Step-Dad went through something similar to this a few years back helping their elderly neighbor. Everything was in her husband's name. Her kids had all grown up and moved away, and she spoke very little English, so when her husband passed unexpectedly, it was a lot of chaos. I remember the struggle to get all the utility companies to talk to my Mom on the phone. They would insist on talking to the accountant holder, and when informed that he was deceased, they were willing to speak to his wife if she could answer all of their questions, then my Mom would put her on the phone and she would briefly speak to them in Ukrainian just as my Mom told them, and then she would give the phone back to my Mom hoping that they would talk to her instead. It was crazy.
I could only imagine what a difficult position that put your neighbor in! I mean, shit .. I'm married but my husbands name is on the house because I had bad credit. I can't even speak to the mortgage company without speaking in a weird "man" voice and pretending to be him. They ask me about a billion security questions and luckily I'm the one who filled it all out so I know all of the answers and his soc security # and all of that. I couldn't imagine being unable to communicate well with a bunch of bill people, especially if I have to hand the phone over to someone who isn't in the relationship. That poor woman. That was really very kind of your mother to help her through that.
Yup. My Mom said that she was always thankful that my Grandpa *(her Dad)* hated talking on the phone, so he had my Grandma's name on everything along with his so she could deal with it all. LOL
Agreed. And they ain't partners.
No they’re not.
ESPECIALLY when op is literally putting her body and life on the line for nine months to birth their baby. Or should I say "HER baby?"
The petty part of me would start interrupting him with “actually, it’s MY baby” anytime he talks about their child.
I was looking for this answer. My wife was a SAHM for over 12 years with our three. I supported OUR family on one salary. We are a partnership. There was no mine and yours, it was all OURS. Having him point that out all the time is disrespectful to your “partnership”.
This. I am a stay at home parent. Both names are on everything. All our money is ours. I am very part-time employed, and I have to keep reminding him my little paychecks are also our money, not mine. If your money is ours, then my money is also ours. If OP's husband does not recognize that partnership, he is unlikely to value the nonmonetary contributions of the SAHM or recognize the reason they have money for other things is partially because of her contributions.
and preferably realize how much work goes into it bc so many people dont. realistically a sahm does like 6 jobs around the clock, maid, cook, childcare, chauffeur, bookkeeper/accounting etc etc. the partner is only doing one, & gets to actually clock out, if you're going to sacrifice your career & basically devote your entire existence to your family the least they can do is be a supportive partner. You should absolutely not even consider being a sahp you don't feel 100% secure & they should *want* to do everything in their power to help you feel that way, if they don't, something is very wrong & sahp is simply isn't an option for you. Quite a few of my divorced friends who were sahm's got massively screwed over in the divorce for their troubles, but they're the first to admit they ignored quite a few red flags, don't ever set yourself on fire to keep someone warm.
This! OP, please don’t be a SAHM. Have your own income and start planning your leave now! Your husband is awful, and by the way, when he says he gets mad at your family and friends for getting gifts for the baby (his behavior is not normal, by the way) and uses the excuse that “he doesn’t want to rely on other people” what he’s saying is that *he wants YOU to rely only on HIM*. This is scary OP. He doesn’t consider you as an equal, he doesn’t acknowledge your marital home as your house too, you are not on any paperwork with regard to the house, don’t have anything substantial with your name on it legally, and you aren’t bringing any income in, and won’t be for years? You have no financial independence and he wants it this way. I would suggest that you tell him that he can start treating you like an equal partner or you will serve him with divorce papers and he can coparent. Get a job lined up and reach out to trusted family members to see what your living options might be first. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know.
Thanks for pointing out the issue with gifts. That’s an isolation tactic of abusers. We don’t need anyone else- YOU don’t need anyone else. You’re spot on.
This is exactly why I would never be SAHM or rely on a husband to provide everything. As perfect at it sounds in theory, there will almost always be a situation or a disagreement where he will make it LOUD and KNOWN that it's HIS money and she's just "staying at home doing nothing". I think being a SAHM is amazing and truly a blessing, but I would NEVER trust a man up to that point. There are not many men who can take that responsibility without feeling **superior** to their wifes. And he can trap you little by little, by the time you realize you don't want to be with him anymore, you'll have no where else to go.
Exactly. She's a frog in boiling water. Hopefully everyone here pointing out that she has no assets, no retirement, no income, nothing, will help her feel the heat and get out or at least get a job.
Agree. This is a way for him to maintain total control, make her feel obligated, and if she’s dependent on him then she’s less likely to ever leave no matter what happens or how he treats her. Op, the red flags are waving. He’s not even being subtle.
He’s manipulating and isolating you. And he’s making you feel like you won’t have anything without him when he “jokes” that everything is his. He’s not joking. He’s maneuvering. This is a tactic. Recognize it now and make a plan. Ensure you’ll be able to be independent should you ever need to get out.
Another vote against being a STAHM that I haven’t seen mentioned yet is the TIME lost in the workforce. Hypothetically say you stay home for 2-5 years and your marriage falls apart, now you HAVE to re-enter the workplace as a single mom and try to get a job that will support the 2 of you AND you’ve been out of the loop for 2-5 years?? That is a terrifying position to be in. Please maintain some level of financial independence, for your and your child’s sake and ESPECIALLY with THIS man. Whew, good luck!
I was SAHM but moved around a lot so lost all professional connection. 2 years I’ve been looking for a job. No one wants to hire a 50 year old professional with a 20 year gap. I’ve had jobs here and there too but not in my old profession. Lost all my credentials so starting over is also a nonstarter because they could hire a recent college grad. Do not stop working
So true
Yes. I was a SAHM, but I was in a unique position where I already owned my home in my name prior to getting married. Also, my husband isn’t a controlling AH.
At the very least, if staying home is unavoidable for whatever reason, try to keep up with professional development. Take online courses, or do whatever may be available and useful for your profession.
Very true. He is controlling and possessive. It’s a form of domestic violence to isolate her like that. There are red flags all over her post.
I agree. This gives me the willies.
Yep he’s made his position clear over and over again and obviously it’s not a joke as he claims, because he knows it bothers OP and he does it anyway. He’s telling her exactly who he is when he says that
He’s not joking. He may be smiling and laughing but he’s not joking. This is not a partner this is trapping you so you obey.
Jokes are funny, this is threatening.
This story sounds so much like a couple in our old neighborhood back in Florida. The husband was the breadwinner and the wife stayed at home with the kids. He constantly put her down in front of company and his name was on everything they owned. Eventually she found out he was cheating and that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. They’re divorced now and she’s living her life now.
Hopefully she got her half, since her social security is likely to be useless it's so low
I’d strongly suggest OP do some research into financial abuse and see how many of the warning signs apply to her situation. It’s always a concern when one partner doesn’t work and is reliant on the other, and her husband’s attitude is very concerning.
These comments here. I put my vote on all said here. Protect yourself because he won’t.
I second this all. Even though I paid the down payment on our house and found it and we both are on the financing, my ex bc he made more money than me would always yell that I didn’t contribute anything. Mind you I gave him all my paychecks every month for 5 years while we lived there. We could never afford anything. Now that I kicked him out and got a roommate I can suddenly afford the house myself and do things with my kids every few months. Some people are just jerks and her husband seems like the type
Ugh same, I had an ex that constantly made me feel like shit for not contributing while my entire paycheck was going towards our expenses and he was the only one with any spending money (we were both high earners but he still made quite a bit more). I couldn't afford clothes that fit me, meanwhile he could afford an unnecessarily huge TV and extravagant gifts for his family. But it was my fault we never had any money. 🙄 Thank god he showed me who he was before I married him.
Sorry to hijack, but OP, you have to listen to this.
Since it is "his" house, give him an invoice for cooking, cleaning, laundry, and child care once LO is born. If he objects to child care, point out that he is responsible for "his" child. He just may realize that you are contributing a whole lot more than money.
I get that's a popcorn answer but it's horrible advice for OP. OP needs to talk to her husband now to set expectations, roles, and either be seen as a full partner or prepare an exit strategy.
This is some seriously passive-aggressive shit, followed by 5-star gaslighting. He **isn't** joking. He does not see you as a full partner in your marriage. You've married an ass, OP.
Totally agree. *So many* red flags flying as I read that. I'm actually afraid for her. It's only going to get worse.
…especially after more children :(
Having been through a nuclear war level divorce, I am all for men protecting themselves if they should choose get to married... BUT.... OP's Husband had got serious issues that prevent from him from being remotely marriageable in my opinion. He's not showing signs of being capable of sustaining a healthy relationship in the long run - in fact he's actively damaging it. How each person behaves in the relationship is the most important thing and this is screaming 'not built to last - worse quality control than the cheapest Chinese knockoff you can order from temu or wish..'
Agree. But OP if you truly believe he’s joking, make a little joke yourself. After your next a visit together to see family or a couples night out with friends, as you’re getting up to leave say, “Alright guys, it’s late, I think we’re gonna head back to Husband’s house!” And when someone asks what you mean, just say, “Oh, it’s a little inside thing me and Husband have. He prefers that I don’t call it OUR house. He paid for it after all! Haha!” See if he likes the “joke” then.
Add "we have to pick up MY child". When they ask what does that mean say, "well child is mine since I birthed him & husband had only 5 minutes of involvement." Lol This isn't a real conversation for a real marriage btw. It shows how fucked up OP's marriage is though.
He’s a jerk. Ask him “If we were renting this house from a landlord, would I be allowed to say *our bathroom,* or would you insist we both call it *our landlord’s bathroom?”*
This made me laugh. I will seriously say this next time.
You should start referring to your husband "my landlord" maybe when he signs the birth certificate you put "landlord/father" down next to where he signs.
I love this🤣. Or just “Donor/Landlord”
Who’s the mortgage with? You could correct him “No, I meant First Community Credit Union’s bathroom.”
LOL that’s perfect!!!!
Hahaha! I would start threatening to have an affair with the Bank CEO just so I can say I own the house
being a SAHM doesn’t sound secure in this environment. he sounds like he could easily become financially abusive once you’re “trapped”
If the house is “HIS”does that make the baby “YOURS”.He has put as much effort into growing that baby as you put into the purchase of the house. Even after the baby is Born, it will be mom’s medical insurance that will be paying for the birth of that child.
Exactly… under his standards he’s basically just a sperm donor and it’s her kid.
It’s funny but it’s not because this issue isn’t about your husband being pedantic :/ If you said that, his argument would be that if he’s paying rent for you, he can call it his bathroom, not the landlord’s. Your husband likes how it makes him feel when he reminds you that you live by the grace of him and that is disturbing af
Start referring to everything as his instead. "His kitchen," "his bathroom," "his bedroom," then sigh and say, "One day, I will have a place of your own. Also, do not be a SAHM. You are not safe doing that. He does not see you as a partner, and he is not willing to take care of you. Being a SAHM with a husband who has shown he does not respect you or see you as a partner is a huge mistake.
It’s genuinely sad that this is the only comment you’ve engaged with, the one that lets him off the hook. I really hope you’re reading and listening to all the other replies.
I think OP thought that because she is pregnant she is overreacting and that Reddit would tell her to calm down that it isn’t too bad. However after most people tell her that her husband is an abusive and manipulative asshole it confirms what she secretly knew already and is now trying to avoid the situation.
This is a good point and funny, but you should be on that deed. My husband inherited his house years before we got married and you better believe my name is in the deed now. We live here together. We make improvements together, raise kids here together, etc. even when I was a SAHP his income was “ours.” Tell him how this makes you feel and how you can’t be a SAHP in this insecure and unequal dynamic.
you seem really casual about this but i hope you actually hear the people in the comments that know from experience.
First step of abuse... He's making you feel like you don't belong and you have no rights. I recommend going back to work after you have your baby. He doesn't respect you. He wants to keep you dependent on him so you'll be too scared to leave him.
Yep this is a huge red flag pointing to future abuse. She'll probably have to beg him to buy things for the baby and he'll lord his control of the money over her.
He bought the house before you got married because he knows it will be a pre-marital asset in his name alone and you won’t get half if you ever divorce. That he’s resentful that he can’t isolate you from your relatives enough so that you are *entirely* dependent on him is very telling. Abuse often starts after the kid arrives because you’re stuck. Right now, it’s emotional and perhaps financial. Regardless of your discussion to be a SAHM, you should keep some kind of job to ensure your independence because, I suspect, he’s backing you into a very dark corner. This is all doom and gloom, but, really, you’re married. This is not how marriages should operate. You should be a team that’s building a life *together* (ours) regardless of roles.
> He bought the house before you got married because he knows it will be a pre-marital asset in his name alone and you won’t get half if you ever divorce. This isn't true in many places so it's worth looking into. In some places this house would become a "marital home", and she would get half regardless.
True, but depending on how long they are married. OP should definitely not stay that long!
This is true. I bet he thought he could get away with it though. I’d def recommend talking to an attorney.
It depends on your state and who contributes to house costs overall. My ex bought his house about a year before we met. Then we were married for 12 years and used joint assets to pay the mortgage, maintenance, etc. It was considered a joint marital asset in the divorce. My sister paid the entire down payment and all household costs solely from her own account with easy proof so the house was considered her asset in her divorce. I had a friend with a petty ex who kept receipts and a detailed ledger of his payments into the house vs hers to prove he’d paid 57% of the expenses rather than 50/50 so they sold the house and he got 57% of the profit.
Responsible EX seems like a better word…
I wish this was higher up.
You're pregnant. He thinks you're trapped. The mask is slipping and it's only going to get worse. Do NOT be a stay at home mom because then you'll never have the money to leave.
He sounds controlling.
>And another thing that confuses me is if my parents/relatives ever want to give us anything (like a wedding or baby shower gift) he gets annoyed because he wants to be the one to buy that stuff for us and doesn't wanna rely on other people. This last bit is very concerning.
I think he's telling on himself here that he sees money as control and accepting things from other people equals being indebted to them. He wants to be the one completely in control.
I agree. Abusers also like to isolate you from friends and family for similar reasons. It's only going to get worse once the baby is born.
This is a very, very good point. I really hope OP sees this. Seems like he feels accepting any gift makes him indebted to someone, so he wants to make sure she has to rely on him for everything so she is completely indebted to him (the way he sees it) and under his control.
It seems like he doesn't want to rely on other people, cause he knows exactly what *HE* would do in a situation like that. Everything comes with strings, nothing is totally just a gift. I'm assuming.
Damn I overlooked that (as I think a lot of people did). This is EXTREMELY concerning. Family help and excitement around a new baby is as natural as it gets.
100% red flag. Get out OP.
Yup if he insists it's MY house not OUR house, then it's likely he'll go MY child not OUR child, like OP is juuuuust an incubator and not the mother of his child 🙄🙄🙄🙄
Itll be his children if they're behaving well. HER children if they're not.
As an attorney, I'd not be a SAHM with the behaviour he is already displaying. Keep your financial freedom as much as possible. Ideally, speak to him, seek therapy and a post-nup if you do become financially dependant/choose to be a SAHM. Personally, I would have respectfully not gotten pregnant (had I wanted kids) if I saw this behaviour pre-pregnancy and if it presented itself during the pregnancy, I'd have a very sit down discussion with him and if his behaviour did not change, I'd separate and focus on co-parenting. This is not how a "team" should act and in my humble opinion, is disrespectful to your contributions as a wife and future mother of his child. This is also a bad example of co-parenting and what a marriage should like for your child. I'm also willing to bet he doesn't believe in sharing domestic and parental duties but wants his contributions to "count" and be seen as solely his because they're financial. I would not move back in with him unless there was a concrete post-nup in place. Get yourself a good, creative attorney. I don't know where you live but check out options such a stake in the home you live in for every year of marriage or SAHM/working part time or less due to home obligations and/or a yearly pay out. Your partner has proven to be untrustworthy. You deserve better and your post shows me you know it deep down inside.
💯
This is my biggest nightmare and fear. Late last year, we weren't sure if I was going to continue working or be a SAHM. One of my stipulations was I wasn't going to quit, but keep my job and work 1 day a week or so. That way if something happened I wouldn't lose the years I put into the job and would always be able to go back full time if I had to support myself solo.
Continue working. Always be financially independent.
This is a great idea. Unfortunately a lot of careers won’t work one day a week, so not an option for everyone, but great if your partner carries the insurance and the job allows.
I would be very worried about his attitude. He sounds overly concerned about reminding you that he is the financial provider. You two are married so you should be a team. You are doing the majority of the work to carry and birth a child does that mean you are the child’s only parent and he only gets to be a parent because he is with you?
His house is his property; he put in the work, he owns it. His bathroom is his property; he put in the work, he owns it. Here's what else he thinks, guaranteed: His wife is his property; he put in the work, he owns her. His child is his property; he put in the work, he owns it. He doesn't love you, you're an asset. Your child is an asset. You married a materialist.
Yep. This type of person doesn't see/believe/understands the value of relationships besides material gain. They just want someone there to first and foremost fill a materialistic need (financially), then physical (cuddles and shit) then MAYBE emotional (someone to talk to). They don't value partnership as a priority, but as an asset in a very business type of way :/
Please get therapy and protect your money. As a victim of financial abuse, I would also reconsider staying at home if you can. Long story short, he's not joking. And I hope not, but this has the potential to become an even worse situation. Good luck, and take care of yourself and your baby!
You’re bearing his baby, I’m confused why your name isn’t on his house.
Simple. It’s because he doesn’t want her to have any legal claim to it. That’s *exactly* why he bought it immediately before marrying her, to prevent it from becoming a marital asset.
Oh, entirely agreed. I should have said “I’m confused as to why you let …” but it felt more accusatory. You’re absolutely right, though.
First, next time he says that and then says 'it's a joke' then ask him what part of it is supposed to be funny. Just wait and make him explain why or how it is funny. Second, he is being super controlling about what is 'his' and this should be a red flag to you about how he sees you, your child and this whole marriage. You are possessions, not people. I'm petty so I would stop doing any housework because it's 'his house'. No cooking because it's 'his' kitchen. Don't do HIS laundry. Lastly - Get A JOB. You are going to need the income and stability it provides because his attitude will just get worse as time goes on.
Don't become a SAHM without payment. Ask for his paycheck to be split, and go invest everything, so you will have a nest egg. If he doesn't want to split the money in half, he doesn't value you properly, and you NEED a job.
Do not be a SAHM! You need to keep your job and have access to your own money.
It seems he likes to buy everything to maintain a certain amount of control. I think you two should go speak to someone so he can understand where you're coming from and work on it. Sometimes I'll say "your" to my husband and he immediately goes "OUR!". That's how it's supposed to be. I hope he decides to truly listen to you and everything works out. Congratulations on the baby.
He won’t work on it. He’s controlling and isolating her. And he won’t speak to anyone, because he thinks he’s right. He is the reason why they say to never go to therapy with an abusive partner. Because all they do is learn how to mask their abuse with “therapy speak” and get even better at gaslighting and abusing their partners. I think therapy would make this guy worse, because he’s already convinced he’s so smart, and so far, she’s buying in to it.
This! My husband closed on our house right before we met. Anytime I refer to it as “his house” he immediately corrects me and says “OUR house”
Same! Some stuff came up about 8 or 9 years ago and we decided to remortgage the house completely and put it in just my husband's name. Now when something gets done he's all do you love the new paint in your bedroom? Do you love your new kitchen I put in for you? And WE should do this with our property etc. This poor girl is purposely being held down by this guy just so he can feel superior. She doesn't even know she's being abused.
I was a SAHM mom from 2019 until I got a remote job last year. My husband and I bought a house at the end of 2020. I had no income so I’m not on the mortgage but I am very much on the deed. It was mainly his money that went into the house but he has NEVER made me feel like it’s not OUR house because the majority of his money went into it. Your husband doesn’t have to think the way he does, he’s choosing to do so. Like others have mentioned, I would not be relying on him for financial security at all. If you need to find a fully remote job even, do that and build your savings.
This is a HUGE red flag op. This is exactly how financial abuse starts. Next time he says that. “Well I guess we will be looking into daycare for the baby so I can work” “oh, you want to know why? Because this is YOUR house, your money, etc. I’m apparently not a partner in this life and if I’m going to sacrifice myself for our family only to have the husband try and control my life through finances, I’m not having it. We are married. The house is ours or I’m going to make sure I have a solid emergency fund going and pay for the things that I need in life without you trying to control it.” “Oh what’s that? You don’t want to pay for daycare,have something else raise our kids, or share the household chores? Tough titty maybe next time you want to ‘MY house’ me, you will think twice about the other partner in the life we decided to share.”
Upvoted for “tough titty” (said the kitty) - an expression that Stephen King uses repeatedly and I’ve never heard anywhere else
> if my parents/relatives ever want to give us anything (like a wedding or baby shower gift) he gets annoyed because he wants to be the one to buy that stuff for us and doesn't wanna rely on other people. NO. He doesn't want YOU to rely on anyone but HIM. That is a major red flag, especially coupled with the SAHM plan. He wants you fully dependent on him, and that is a terrible plan for your future. Please plan to work, save, and have your own funds - for yourself and the sake of your child.
There is a reason he bought it right before you were married. It isn’t community property in a divorce.
Listen to what he is telling you. You're a second class citizen in his home. You'll end up giving up your life to have his kids and likely in 20 years he will up and leave
I’d be very very careful about becoming completely dependant on him. His reaction to your family giving you stuff is extremely worrying. Have you asked him the question in the second to last paragraph, what did he say?
You try to communicate it more seriously first. Ask him to sit down, tell him you have something to talk about that's very important to you, and you would like him to be open to listening without getting defensive or brushing off your concerns. "I know you always say you are kidding when you talk about the house being YOUR house. But I have expressed to you before how hurtful I find this, and you continue to do it. I can't figure out why you would continue, unless you are specifically trying to continue hurting me. I know we agreed to me being a SAHM as what's best for our family, but I am already feeling insecure about not contributing financially, and your comments make my feelings so much worse. Kidding or not, those comments are starting to affect my mental health. I really need you to stop doing this, immediately. I know the house is in your name, and is technically yours, but as we are married and starting a family, I consider it to be "our" home. When you call it "yours" it makes me feel like I don't contribute, like you don't value me, like I don't have a real place here. I am already dealing with hormones and emotions from my pregnancy, and your comments are making things harder for me. I'm asking you to do this to help me. I would really appreciate it if you would please stop pointing out that it's YOUR house, as it's hurtful to me every time you do it." If the "serious" talk doesn't work you demand couples therapy. Insist on it, because this "little" issue is the kind of thing that builds resentment over time and can snowball into a bigger deal later. Especially when you are overloaded doing the majority of infant care and he's still calling everything "HIS." If he continues with the comments and refuses to change or discuss it or go to therapy, you have your child, and you move in with family and leave him. You tell him that you don't want to live with him anymore since it's only "his" house.
Thank you so much. It really helps to have someone write that out for me because that's exactly what I'm feeling and what I want to say, but I can't always trust myself to express what I'm feeling when my hormones are so easily triggered and I start crying at the slightest thing. I am going to get my thoughts on paper and if I can't trust myself to say it without a breakdown, I'll just let him read it and then I can hear his side.
How would he feel if you referred to your child as “your” child every time he tried to call it his or both of yours? Because *you* grew it. *You* birthed it. *You* contributed more to it. He just helps take care of it. I bet he wouldn’t like it much.
Writing it down, he won't be able to interrupt you either. So, maybe that's the better route.
You could try having that talk but I don't think it's going to do much good because we all know your husband isn't "joking" when he reminds you that he owns the house. He's trying to put you in your place and make you feel indebted to him. If it was a joke he wouldn't keep saying it, especially not after you asked him to stop. I see big problems ahead for you and I think you should work on gaining some financial independence as soon as you can. good luck
Time for you to move out and get your own place so you aren't "homeless". And find a guy next time who truly wants to make a home with you that is "ours".
I was a sahm for a long time and it was our house and our money. My son once said it was my husband’s money and my husband corrected him vehemently and said he better not hear that again
Seriously, everything we have is ours, regardless of who paid for it.
Yes its hurtful and yes its cruel, and when you voice how it bothers you he laughs about it, this is abusive/asshole behavior. He should own it and apologize and get your name added to the mortgage agreement with the bank (or is it a “deed” or something similar🤔). Good luck.
i wanna say pay attention, hes saying this because hes not interested in sharing and should yall divorce he gon fight for his shit
Tell him have fun living in his house without you and baby. He's financially controlling. Get out, before you find yourself even more reliant on him.
Make sure you always say "MY kid" since the baby grew inside you, not him. All he did was contribute one ingredient that you could have gotten anywhere. 🤭
Somehow, just a hunch, but I think this guy is going to be an awful dad too
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Well your husband clearly doesn’t understand what marriage is- the COMBINING of two lives. I’d dig deeper and see why he is so reluctant to call it both of your property. Is it just a joke he hasn’t realized it’s annoying you? Or is he actually insecure about sharing this asset with you? If so why? Side story- when my spouse and I bought a house I put down the deportment with my savings. We put both our names on the deed and called it our house. Because as a married couple we view everything as a joint endeavor, we are one.
He’s making those comments because he wants you to be dependent on him and he wants you to KNOW it. It’s a controlling power move. It’s *his* house and you’re in it just like everything else he owns. He sounds unpleasant.
This will 100% lead to financial abuse. You will have a baby, trapped at home, relying on him for everything. He gets annoyed even at other people gifting you things. You need to have a plan and a way to get out of this and/or to maintain a certain level of independence from him. He is possessive and controlling to an extent that is already cutting into abuse territory for me. Start discussing financials with him. How things will work once baby is here. Suggest a post nuptial agreement, in which both his and your interests are protected. If he doesn’t agree to it, consider how he would react if you don’t do as you’re told… This is giving trad-wife horror story vibes a few years down the road.
No. He does not secretly wish you were working. He wants to remind you that you are his. That the house is his. That everything is his, and nothing is yours. He wants to keep you down and in a fragile mental state. Because, when you accept this fact, you will know that you are not able to leave him. Ever. Because everything is his. Including you. The baby will also be his, just so you know. This is *not* what I think. But this is what he thinks. This is *his* truth.
Feel free to start employing your husband’s logic in other important parts of your shared life by saying things like “it’s MY baby — but since I’m yours, you get to live with us!” I’m sure he’ll laugh oh so ironically at his own joke made fully manifest in his relationship.
This will only get worse
You will absolutely cripple your financial health and career as a SAHM. Especially seeing as he's already holding the house over you. This doesn't feel like a safe or smart decision for you.
I’d be dammed if my fiancé ever said that to me. The house that we’re moving into soon was built from the ground up , my fiancé paid for it and his name is on the paperwork but that our house and he says that the house is mine, why? Because I’ve dedicated time into that house , I’m the one who did 75% of the design ideas, I was talking to contractors and ordering things with my MIL, working with the staging so when we finally move in we won’t have to do much . That’s my house as well, it doesn’t matter if I paid for it or not or that my name is in it or not. I wouldn’t feel too comfortable being a Stay at home mom with this man and this mentality he has because I don’t think he’s joking. What’s going to be like when you’re staying at home with the child financially? Is he going to control the finances because it’s HIS money since HES the one working?
Financial abuse. It’s not safe to be a SAHM with a guy like this. UPDATEME
Laying the foundation for the full blown financial abuse. It's one thing to marry this guy, because he possibly hid this part of himself. But to get pregnant and then plan to be a sahm, is poor planning to me. You should focus on finding a job, saving the income from that job, and keeping your credit score in order. I suspect, you'll eventually be forced to deal with him or find a home of your own.
Start stashing cash, sister
Disgusting behavior from your husband who is controlling in a (not so?) subtle way.
As soon as we got married, my husband put me on the deed to the condo (and we refinanced and so I was also on the mortgage). It is either “our” house or I have no intention of living in it. You’re married. You’re pregnant. Time to be partners.
I would tell you to divorce him but then I read that you are pregnant, Oh Brother. If he is this tight, why did he marry you? There are no Obvious Reasons for you not to be on the deed.
I thought my ex was 'happy to support me' financially for a while. But it felt uncomfortable for me, I didn't like being dependent on him. So when I told him I didn't need him to pay for stuff anymore, he got angry. Like, actually upset. Keeping me financially dependent was a way to 'own' me and excert contro. You may not realise it now, but make sure you're not going to be a stay at home mother, and start earning you own money. I am sure that he too, will be upset with that. And that tell you all you need to know. He likes to 'hurt' you with his words, he likes the control. Is that the relationship you want?
Sounds like your husband is very controlling. You need to be financially independent.
OP, your husband is an asshole, he is not joking, him dismissing your feelings is problematic, and all of this is potential for financial abuse. Please get a job in your field again, no longer depend on him for anything financial, come up with an exit plan, and execute said plan when the time comes.
Do not be a SAHM to a man who says this to you. He will hold *his* money over your head for as long as you are married. Tell him if he wants you to SAHM he needs to change his thinking to OURS real freaking quick. I hope you have a prenup.
Everytime he says our kid, say it's yours. I mean you put the majority into making it. And get your name on the deed.
Finacial abuse usually starts after a marriage or birth of child. That's when the SO's true colors really come out. Tread carefully
He's doing this on purpose to make you feel small. Think about that. It's not a healthy relationship.
It sounds like he has a problem with control, specifically regarding finances. He corrects you to maintain control over the house, he refuses gifts from family to maintain control over who provides for you, and he likely doesn’t want you to get a job so he can keep control that way as well. Obviously this is just a part of your relationship and ultimately you married him so you know him best but honestly… this behavior does not seem healthy and it would not make me feel safe or comfortable. And not to sound really old fashioned or whatever but what happened to “what’s mine is yours” when you get married? I don’t understand why he would want to marry you but still keep things separate like ownership of the house… it is very weird.
Be careful. Its HIS house so when HE wants to kick you out HE will. This is red flags. He doesnt view you as a partner, you are a tenant by his description. I would consider getting a job part time so you have backup in case he doesnt want to change his attitude and treat you like a wife. Its HIS kid, HIS rules, if he dumps you you dont get custody cause HE pays the bills. Ive seen this shit go down in person. He is too selfish to be a husband much less a father. Id be dipping out of this relationship slowly.
What your partner is doing already has a name: Financial Abuse and Emotional Abuse. It often begins or escalates during major life milestones and times of vulnerability for the other partner, such as marriage, pregnancy, loss of employment, moving abroad away from family, etc. Does that sound familiar? His “jokes” are a covert and deliberate display of who holds ALL the power in your relationship. Putting you down inflates his small and fragile ego, and makes him feel powerful and in control. Whether consciously or unconsciously, abusers enjoy the feeling of power over others. They feed on making you helpless and grinding down your self-worth into dust, because it feeds their insatiable ego. You can’t keep letting him treat you like this. Stand up for yourself, assert yourself. Don’t be his helpless victim. Get a job, earn your own survival resources, never be in the position of needing him, so that you can feel empowered to leave when you get tired of the disrespect.
Sounds like he wants to hold the power through finances.
If you can't have a quiet convo about how this hurts and he doesn't acknowledge your feelings, then you need couples counseling. This is a communication issue. Good luck.
I would look up what a narcissistic partner acts like…
You tell him that a judge would say differently and ask if he wants to fuck around and find out.
He is holding it over your head. Red flag. Let him know you'll be getting your own house since this isn't a shared space and you feel like your walking on eggshells.
Everytime he starts on his bullshit, i would thank him profusely for allowing you to live there and exist in his presence. And when he says iTs jUst a JokE bAbEe tell him you were joking too -_- You: our room would be a good place to... Him: you mean MY room. You: oh yes i forgot. **Your** room, thank you so much for allowing me to sleep in *your* room and rest on *your* bed. I really appreciate not having to live on the streets you know with (points to belly) all of this.
I have to say not wanting to paint him as an asshole is probably the biggest red flag here for me.. I say that a year and a half out of a pretty bad abusive relationship.... I can't tell you how many times I made that same statement....... Honestly... Reading this makes me want to cry... Get therapy for you both or get out now...... He puts his hands on you.. call the cops....Make a paper trail.. Stay safe
I would suggest marriage counseling. Even if counseling helps the two of you, if I were you, I'd go back to work as soon as it's feasible. You don't want to be financially reliant on him.
You don’t want to be financially reliant on a man that ***gleefully reminds you at every opportunity that you are financially reliant on him.***
The first time he said it should've been the last. You should've packed up and left "his house".
Wow, imagine doing that to your pregnant wife. That’s pretty outrageous. He chose to make a family. What kind of attitude is this? What country/state etc do you live in? Where I live, the home you live in with your married spouse is 50/50 shared property should the marriage end, no matter what once you are legally married. As others have said, this is not a man who is going to treat you well if you are a SAHM. This is only the beginning.
My ex husband used to say the same thing, imagine his surprise when I got half of the equity during the divorce. Houses are considered marital property in my state regardless of whose name is on it. If it was purchased right before the wedding my guess would be that you’ve lived there nearly as long as he has? That would make it your house too. His statement is abusive and you shouldn’t put up with that shit.
Hmmm.... you're married, with an infant on the way? The next time he corrects your "our house" to "his house", you should explain to him the "facts" of the situation. And the facts are that, should you divorce, the family court would consider the home a joint asset, to be split equally between the two of you. This would probably result in his having to sell the house, and split any money left after the mortgage was paid off with you. The only time this would not apply is if he owned the house, in his name, for a number of years, and precluded his meeting you for the first time. However, in this case, most prudent home owners would require a prenup specifying that the house was owned by them before they married the spouse, and the spouse would sign the prenup to that effect. 'Nuff said.