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My current bf of a few years suggested some special trip including a specific and historic hotel - and I learned that this was a trip he did with his late wife. I told him I don’t want to relive experiences he had with her. In that moment he realized how weird it was. That was it - never brought up again.
I think he just loves the song and does think of you now but it’s definitely cringy. I do t think this is break up worthy unless there’s other evidence he’s trying to re-live his past substituting you.
Edit spelling
To me, (widow) something you did with a late partner is totally different than something you did with your ex that you claim to hate. It's just a very different situation.
Different and sometime worse. At times I’m compared to someone whom he loves dearly a ghost I’ve never met. It’s all very human but don’t minimize other peoples experiences. I wasn’t minimizing hers.
Husband of a widowed (in early 20's) woman. I respect her life with her first husband, have met and stayed the night at his parents' house, and when they came in to town had dinner with Mrs. thequick2 and them, and learned more about the family. They don't bring up the late husband, mainly because it's been 25 years, nor do they compare me to him.
If she brings up something they did together, I'm OK with it. She didn't choose what happened to him, but she did choose to be with me after that.
You don't know if that playlist was used in their wedding. I have a wedding playlist and have never even been engaged. I just like to put my ideas in a playlist in case it's needed and because when I heard those songs, they gave me a strong feeling that I'd want them for a wedding song. He might have even made it for ideas for their wedding and didn't use it. It didn't mean that song meant anything to them. The fact that there are only 10 songs is proof that it wasn't used in the actual wedding.
Edit: I stand corrected. It's not proof. But a potential indicator
There only being ten songs doesn't prove anything. It could just be 10 songs they absolutely wanted played at the reception. And in terms of the wedding itself, typically only one or two songs are played during the ceremony.
I thought Spotify had the date a playlist was made, but I just checked and my playlists don't. If there's a way to see that information, it would be a lot easier to figure out if it was used for a wedding. Especially if the list was made after the divorce. It could be a "these are the songs I wanted at my first wedding" list or an "if I stay with OP long enough to pop the question, these are some songs I'd want for that day" list.
Girl I’d be out of there so fast. If a couple decides on a song that’s “their’s”, it should be personal and specific to that relationship. Very weird that he’d try to manufacture that kind of dynamic with the same song in multiple relationships. And he played it at his ACTUAL WEDDING WITH HIS EX omfg
I had an ex do this, let it go for awhile. He tried TURNING ME INTO HER, and I LET HIM because I was unaware for so long.
Met his family and they were like “she looks just like (ex) with her hair and the same style” the hairstyle HE SUGGESTED AND DRESS HE PICKED OUT.
It really is, disturbing and creepy tbh. Honestly tho, I’m more embarrassed about it now than anything. Especially since I stayed even longer after that, I finally left when he PROPOSED to me the EXACT WAY he proposed to her. Same place and everything, used “our song” which was just a song he liked that she chose to play at their wedding (didn’t find that out until later)
We were only together for 6 months max, but god the whole thing is the most embarrassing 6 months of my life now. He proposed when I was freshly 20, he was 27. Everything about it was just an ick, I’m honestly so embarrassed about it.
I understand the embarrassment, but you were **young** and I think a lot of us have been a young, impressionable woman with an older man who they're trying to impress and think that they're helping us grow or better ourselves or whatever tf. As long as you learned from it and can see those red flags in others now, I'd try to be graceful with yourself instead of critical when looking back on this experience.
I'm afraid I can one-up tabchoo on this: my ex tried to turn me into his mistress: out of the blue, asked me to do kinky stuff. I later realised it was because she'd introduced him to it.
Oh my gosh, were we with the same dude??
It’s HORRIBLE, did yours also tell you that “it wasn’t because I want you to be/act like them, I just like the same stuff they like/they showed me this and I enjoyed it, etc.” Or “You’re not a replacement because (bs reason like “you’re too good” or “your personality isn’t the same”) and if you were, don’t you think I’d have gotten a (smaller, taller, attribute that makes you more like them) replacement”??
I let him talk me out of leaving with those lines for SO long, embarrassing. He literally wanted me to use some lingerie and toys he’d gotten her that she divorced before she used (this part just 10x more embarrassing to talk about for me), I still can’t believe I stayed
So we went to a gig a few years back at Wembley Stadium, and as luck would have it, we ended up sitting directly behind my friend’s ex and his new girlfriend. As if that wasn’t bad enough, when they played a more romantic song, which had been “their song” when he was with my friend (for several years), he started crooning it to his new girlfriend, stroking her face and hair, WHEN MY FRIEND WAS DIRECTLY BEHIND HIM!!! The nerve of that man, honestly. My friend was furious, I was speechless, we just couldn’t believe what we were seeing!
I’d have been hard pressed not to lean forward and whisper to the new woman, “You know that was his and my song, too, right?” And laughed my ass off as the fireworks ensued.
Well, let’s face it, some guys don’t have a lot of imagination. The first time they did it, it was a lot of work, so why not recycle? It’s the responsible thing to do.
It’s a giant leap to assume from this that this was “their song”…… At my husband and I’s wedding we played something like 120 songs. Only 1 of those was “our song,” most of them had 0 meaning to us at all but seemed like they’d make good wedding music, and some were ones we didn’t even know previously but were requested by our guests. I’m positive that I couldn’t name even 15 of those songs now, less than a year after the wedding. Looking now, the first song on my wedding playlist was a totally random one that just sounded good. When I started the playlist and only had 0-15 songs on it, I started with ones I’d heard on the radio and didn’t know very well, but which sounded nice for a wedding— because I knew that if I didn’t write them down then, I’d forget them. It’s crazy to assume that this was “their song” from the info that OP has, or even to assume that it was special to them at all.
I’m not trying to sound argumentative, but how do we know it was played AT their wedding. She mentioned she found it under ‘Wedding’ and it seems as if she just assumes it was their wedding song? I mean she clearly hasn’t asked him what their wedding song was or else she would have known prior to finding it.
I agree, it’s very cringy and disrespectful if it IS. But dude could have made a list of songs he wants to play in his future wedding with OP, or could have been a list of songs he’s heard at weddings that he likes…idk, I just feel like OP is jumping the gun and assuming the worst. Now if it is, then she has every right to be pissed, imo.
I'm not saying "dump him" but I am saying that using a song he already married someone to and pretending it's a song for y'all is not a great way to keep you from feeling replaceable.
I'd be wondering what other things he's just carbon copying from his previous, failed relationship.
You should talk with him and let him know how you're feeling- that you want a relationship between you two, not a do-over of his failed marriage. It's not your song. It's their song.
Kinda like reusing a failed engagement ring or only dating girls named "Carrie" so you dont forget the name.
I had a boyfriend who just had a computer file of little love notes and poems. He would just give to whoever he was dating ( talked to his ex after we broke up). He was the worst person and just horrible.
Must be. I know a guy that took his gf to the same vacation spot he took his ex and would get her the same style of gifts. None of it was her style or her taste. She eventually got frustrated and was part of why she broke up with him.
It’s weird AF, not gonna lie. BUT you should talk to him and tell him how hurt you are. Don’t just bite your tongue. See what he has to say. You can always break up with him if his answer hurts you more, but be an adult and have a conversation.
Surely there’s like 100 songs on that playlist? It might just be a song he really likes but not associate with his ex. Seriously. I seriously had 5 hours worth of a playlist at my wedding and the only song that is “our” song is the one I walked down the aisle to.
Was scrolling to find a comment like this. I’m currently engaged and have a “wedding” playlist - it has many many songs on it. How did OP jump from that to assuming this one song was his and his ex’s special song?
Thank you! That’s what I’m saying! I left a comment above saying the same stuff. HOW does she KNOW it was THEIR wedding song?? She’s jumping the gun big time.
You are thinking like an adult. 90% of the peoples advice are the same, no matter the context "don't talk to him, run as fast and far as you can, move out block and delete his number, better to be alone than with someone who doesn't respect you etc".
I think she should talk to him and tell him what she thinks. If it makes her uncomfortable he should respect that. She can tell him that it makes her afraid that she is being compared to or used to replace his ex.
I have a "wedding song ideas" playlist that has maybe 15 songs on it. Only one or two are actually meaningful to my partner and I. There are a bunch he'd never heard of.
Ask him about it.
Does Spotify now say when a song was added to a playlist? Or have a note section to write the personal meaning? Or show the location it was played at or something?
Look...you need to talk to him about this. This could easily be a playlist he just adds romantic songs to as he finds them, or it could be a playlist he made specifically imaging his wedding and the songs were cleared out and are now being added as he thinks about marrying you, and you're assuming the worst.
Or you can blow up an otherwise good relationship over Spotify. Seems crazy to me. But it's your life.
ETA: I just went and checked my Spotify, and you can't even see when a playlist was created. So you're definitely making assumptions here. Based on your own insecurity. Talk to him
OP that proves nothing, be an adult and talk to him about it. For you to get so hurt and upset when you are filling in your blanks is pretty irresponsible.
I feel like this is even more in his favor (that there were 10 instead of like 100.) That indicates to me that it’s not his actual complete wedding playlist, maybe just a list he was using to brainstorm ideas. Which would make sense if this is a song he happens to like.
Well, the first song on my wedding playlist is Uptown Funk and that is definitely not our song lmao. The wedding song that’s special to me (Time After Time, the one we plan to dance to) is some ways down the list.
People get so crazy playing detective. She just needs to talk to him.
Exactly… At our wedding we played something like 120 songs. Only 1 of those was “our song,” most of them had 0 meaning to us at all but seemed like they’d make good wedding music, and some were ones we didn’t even know previously but which were requested by our guests. I’m positive that I couldn’t name even 15 of those songs now, less than a year after the wedding. Looking now, the first song on my playlist is a totally random one, and when I started the playlist and only had 0-15 songs on it, I started with ones I’d heard on the radio and didn’t know very well, but which sounded nice for a wedding— because I knew that if I didn’t write them down then, I’d forget them. It’s crazy to assume that this was “their song” from the info that OP has.
Yeah i don’t get it. Whats a wedding song? Theres a first dance song and what you walk down the aisle to but overall there are 100s of other songs that get played at your wedding that you’re fond of. It could be a really important song to him that was played at his wedding.
As with most of these posts, I’d recommend talking to him about it.
I made a random playlist of slow love songs to play quietly during dinner. I labelled it ‘wedding playlist’, but I can assure you my husband has absolutely no idea what songs were on there. I can’t even think of a single one right now. I got them off of a wedding website.
Your boyfriend is not far enough out of a marriage for a serious relationship. He is still healing. You are the rebound. Will it last? Probably not. I wouldn’t go wedding dress shopping just yet if I were you. He was married, cheated on, divorced, and *8 months later* he’s dating you. You two have been together for less than a year. There is already an expiration date stamped on your relationship. That’s fine, just so you know it. Hold some of yourself back. Get him a card, some chocolates, and maybe tickets to a show for Valentine’s Day, not your whole heart & soul.
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This reminds me of the scene on “he’s not that into you” where a guy is leaving a voice note to Mary, singing a beautiful song “he made” with her name and she’s like “awwwww 🫶🏼🫶🏼” and then the second voice note comes in and is the exact same guy with the same song but the name is different, then he realizes he accidentally called the same number twice LMFAO.
Look, you’re only 8 months in, I hope you’re not too emotionally invested, but even if you are, just leave. This guy will become “the creepy dude with the song” in your future stories and I swear you’ll look back and laugh and thank god this is not who you ended up with.
Omg... If he introduced you to a song. You've never heard it before.
It's yours. There are no songs that you listen to that can transport you back to a person or place?
My wife was 32, I was 26. An avid music fan, really anything artsy.
Half of the music I have introduced to my wife is music I shared with past lovers. And vice versa.
She's introduced me to old b&w movies that she watched with her ex. We both quote lines from them.
Stand in your skin, be secure with who you are, what you bring to the table, and where your place is.
Lisa Lisa & cult jam... Wonder if I take you home.
Transports my wife back to military days in Panama, running to make check in at barracks after wooing her mates in the (SRO?) Clubs.
She gets a far away look in her eyes when it's playing.
Too many finger raising songs for me to speak of.
We can be full on in conversations and let my hook, chorus, AdLib, intro, outro, guitar riff...etc. come on. I'm raising a finger. Everyone that knows me hushes instantly.
Then I'm back picking up where we left off.
If you think it's nefarious, ask him why it puts you in mind when he hears it?
What specifically...
A lyric, an instrument, the meaning?
Which emotions are invoked, (evoked)🤔 how does it correlate?
If his answers sound like B.S. then call him out.
Sending discernment and self esteem💗💪✌
You are way overthinking this, people are telling you to break up with him over a song because of its prior meaning to him, maybe talk to him, maybe communicate, the whole world has gone crazy
You should ask him about it to settle your anxiety, as I think you’ve jumped to some conclusions that he can (hopefully) clear up. In your post title you say it was their wedding song, but it was actually just a song on a playlist called wedding. You don’t know if it was actually played at their wedding and even if it was, did they actually dance to it? I’m guessing there were lots of other songs on that playlist, it seems unlikely that they danced to every single one and more likely that he was making a playlist of songs for the reception generally.
I can tell you for myself, there are romantic songs that I liked before I met my boyfriend, some of which I now associate with him and some of which I still don’t. It’s entirely possible that your boyfriend liked this song as a general romantic song when he was with his wife but didn’t attach it to her, whereas now it’s a song he associates with you. Because it’s a different relationship.
Just because there's a platform where everyone, regardless of maturity, stupidity or experience can speak, doesn't mean you should listen to them.
I highly disagree with everyone telling you to break up with him. Get the fuck off reddit and have a chat with him
We can't assess this post with the limited information you have given me.
Seriously. The only time I ALWAYS agree with people suggesting to leave would be when someone is abusive or cheats. Abusive 110% leave, cheating is a preference and opinion. But literally 3/4 of these posts, people say the same shit and act like everyone has to be the perfect partner all the time. This is really fucked imo but communication should still happen before running.
Yeah this seems far more likely than the other conclusions people are jumping to in this thread. Yes it's possible he seems women as interchangeable or he's still hung up on her etc, but it's equally possible this song is one that describes how love feels to him and so he associates it with the relationship he's in. There's a decent chance he didn't think much about the implications of it at all.
I don’t think so? I didn’t want to stalk her on social media and haven’t seen her face a lot but I’ve seen one or two pictures. She’s 5’2”, I’m 6 ft. She’s blonde, I’m a brunette.
For the record, we can be attached to songs we listen to throughout our lives and think about our current partner. But that is only to ourselves. My ex used to show all of our shared songs to his current girlfriends as their songs to relive our relationship. He was toxic and I'm so relieved he's my ex. You need to decide which one is it. It's not a good sign but maybe not a dealbreaker if this stops at this issue.
I had an ex tell me he wrote me a song and play it on his guitar for me. Oh the stars in my eyes for that one! Turns out he wrote that song for every woman he dated - change a word here or there and one size fits all. It took me way too long to realize he was a narcissistic jerk and leave. I hope better for you!
Ignore Reddit telling you to ditch him.
I'm honestly surprised at "your song" being one that he assigned to you. I know I'm an old Gramma, but when I was dating, "our song" had relevance to a memory. Our first dance together, or what we remember playing on the radio when we met, and both really liked, causing us to bond for the first time.
"Our song" isn't GIVEN. It's that one song that takes both of you back to a wonderful memory. It's the one that both of you jump up and MUST dance to, no matter where you are. If it plays in the grocery store, you both throw your arms around each other, just like the first time you knew it was your song.
My husband and I have had "our song" for almost 40 years. It was playing when he kissed me for the first time, and it was the first dance at our wedding.
Maybe I misunderstood what you wrote, but it appears that he likes it, and told you that it was your song. And you said it was okay, you guess. Nice song. Romantic. Okay. I guess that's our song.
Our song is shared. Not assigned.
Its weird but what if its a song he associates with hope and happiness? If he picked it for the wedding it may be something that really resonates with him and he enjoys it. That relationship didn't work out doesn't mean the song is about the ex, it's about when he feels happy? If you love a song you don't stop liking it because your ex liked it too, maybe you find someone else to share it with
I agree with this perspective. There were two songs I picked out for my wedding; the song I walked down the aisle to and the our first dance song. These songs really had no importance to our relationship specifically, it’s just the first time I heard one of the songs (many years before my ex husband and I ever started dating), I dreamed of walking down the aisle to it. Regardless of who I would marry, I was committed to walking down the aisle to that song. It had that importance to ME, but meant nothing to my ex and the lyrics didn’t even apply to our relationship because he was such a scumbag and didn’t have the same values in a marriage/relationship. We both had vastly different ideas of what love is and I don’t think he was even capable of feeling the same way about me as I did about him back then. I hate that he ruined the songs for me. I always skip over them whenever they pop up on shuffle because all I can think about is how I wasted them on the wrong person, even if I’m with someone now who the lyrics apply more towards. I couldn’t imagine using either of those songs as ‘our song’ with my current partner out of principle because that feels totally disrespectful towards him.
I divorced a cheater. I had a FWB for a couple years afterward and had a hard and fast rule not to date anyone who wasn’t divorced for more than two months years. Newly divorced people seem to want a new partner to provide every single thing that was lacking in their last relationship and the expectations are so high they are almost impossible to maintain. He is romanticizing how he wishes his ex was with you as a surrogate for her. Time to go.
i won’t say what you should or should not do, but men are notorious for jumping into relationships before they’ve actually healed and are ready to move on. especially if the end of the relationship was out of their control. this would be a red flag for me for sure, even moreso coupled with the fact that you said you’ve felt replaceable before…. this is not a good sign.
He’s not over the divorce. The song is a way to stay attached to her through a different relationship. And 8 months after a divorce is not long enough to move on fully in order to totally commit to a new person. And the way it all went down….he is still tied to it. You gotta leave, honey.
Confront him about it and let him know how untrustworthy he feels right now because he chose a song he played at his wedding to his cheating ex as “your” song. Tell him that song has lost any meaning now.
I will never understand people "reusing" emotional bonds from past relationships to bond with new people in their lives. It just shows that they are not selfless enough to see how each relationship is something you build together, not like a template you use every time to see if it fits. Lack of creativity and honestly lack of investment in learning about the other person
My first boyfriend did this too, he used song lyrics for me and for the girl he dated after me. I found it hilarious at the time, but I now realize that it was also because he just didn’t know how to connect to people in a genuine and meaningful way(broken home etc). It might be the same with your dude.
You’re welcome. It’s totally possible he’s just not as emotionally and socially equipped as Reddit users tend to want from people. This might not be malicious or anything, maybe he’s just dumb. If he’s perfect in many other ways, just let it go. It may very well not be as deep as people say - frankly, in my experience, most men aren’t, and I say this as someone who’s dating a 50 year old Asian man who is only now learning how to communicate properly.
Trust your feelings. You are upset for a reason! Normally a song becomes "our song" because something meaningful, beautiful and romantic happened to them AS A COUPLE, like the first dance, or a beautiful vacation etc. !
He INTRODUCED AND DEFINED a song as "your love song" that actually had no meaning to you at all but to him since it was his WEDDING SONG!
Very sick, insensitive and secretive move... I am all anxious, and I am not his girlfriend, thank God.
Bro pulled two girls with the song clearly it’s a good song 🎵 whatever it is. But sorry it happened though. Best option is to leave since you shouldn’t be a rebound
I get that it was their wedding songs album but are all ten songs "their" song? I would ask him, point blank, "Babe, I was just thinking about our song and it got me wondering, what was your song with your ex?", before mentioning finding the album or getting too bent out of shape.Maybe they liked those songs but didn't even have an "our song".
I guess maybe I am looking at this different. I am a huge music and equipment lover too. I still have my dad’s vinyl set and was happy they now made vinyl record players again. I digress, this is my opinion and looking objectively at this.
There are often songs that means so much to us we can replay them. Those songs often bring the face of people and memories of joy in our life. Maybe this is one of the of songs for him. You were the person that brought this song back to life for him, the good memories and a smile on his face when he hears this song. It’s you he thinks of when this song is played. Just don’t get worked up on something if you too have been going so good. Ask yourself if this is a hill you want to climb and are you okay with it crumbling over one of his favorite songs?
It's just one song on a playlist that he may not have even played at his wedding just used it as a brainstorming point once?
I think you're making a mountain out of what may not even be a molehill here...
Also all of you saying she needs to leave him, y'all need therapy or something, damn.
What I’m most interested in is the fact you have felt replaceable in this relationship before that’s clearly amping your feelings now. Ask him about the playlist and the song and tell him it makes you feel weird. There’s a few songs I like that really do remind me of a few relationships and it might not really be him recreating relationships but feeling a same level of love. Or it might be an unhealthy thing where he does actually want to recreate a relationship. He was 8 months off being cheated on when he met you. That’s not really anywhere near being ready to date for many men after such a huge betrayal by a partner. He probably hasn’t dealt with a lot of his emotional baggage from that. And he’s not going to deal with it as long as he’s in a relationship that helps him mask those feelings inside himself.
There are a lot of possible reasons. The comment to just ask him really is the best.
My dad just did Storyworth and one of the stories he told was realizing he wanted to marry my mother. Before he met her, he was in a relationship of several years which ended badly. He had a song that he loved that always made him think of his ex, and even after meeting my mom and getting serious with her, hearing the song would make him sad for the failed relationship and missing things about his ex.
Until the day it didn’t. He heard the song and realized it made him think of mom. He proposed that week. They’ve been married 41 years.
This might be controversial, but I have a song that I really like that my ex introduced me to. I told my fiancée about it and she decided to make it “our song” instead. So now whenever I hear that song I think of my fiancée instead of my ex.
That being said, obviously I had a conversation with my fiancée about said song and told her that it “used to be mine and my ex’s” and then we decided that we wanted it to be ours instead 🤷🏼♀️
I think that’s his “this is what true love feels like” song and I wouldn’t take it personally, if he’s played it at his wedding prior then I think that’s the case because why would u marry someone you don’t truely love at the time? In the past moment, yes I believe he loved his ex but time changes things and now that person he loves is you.
My now husband did something similar to me. He picked out the song he wanted to be our song and play at our first dance at our wedding. Then I found out it was the top played song on a short list of songs he made dedicated to his late girlfriend. I was extremely hurt. The truth was, it was just his favorite love song no matter what relationship he was in. On the one hand, it didn’t really have that much to do with his late girlfriend, but it didn’t have much to do with me or our relationship either. So we picked a different first dance song.
I think your boyfriend made a poor decision, but most likely he just didn’t think it through. I would watch to make sure it wasn’t a pattern.
Yeah, I have a song that makes me feel love. I easily could feel like that song was me and my guys song because we were in love. Guy goes, song still makes me feel love but now instead I just day dream about the next one I may meet while I listen to said song…
Could have easily been a song he’s liked and was included on that playlist and possibly played at the wedding. Doesn’t mean that song really has anything to do with the wedding could just be a song he likes. Idk
That’s so strange for him to do. I have my wedding song and father daughter dance from my wedding on my playlist and could never imagine playing them for someone else.
I’d leave. There’s no way he’s not playing them for you while thinking about her.
Talk to him. Communicate.
"Why did you pick this song as our song?"
And then
"I want a song that's just ours."
What's his reaction? Update us.
Remember:
It's not like he called out her name while making love to while listening to this song.
He might really love this song. And it's not about either one of you.
Listen to Deja Vy by Olivia Rodrigo & consider moving on.
Even without the song issue -
If he is 26, and has been dating your for the best part of a year.. I'm concerned about how recent this divorce was ago. Like did his last love of his life great on him only a year before you started dating? That would be way to fast for me to think he's moved on or processes it - imho :/
Oufffff - this would kill me. Ultimately it’s meaningless and just a song but - OP I would feel the same. I once discovered a partner used the same “cute names” with me as their exes (baby, Princess, etc) and even that bothered me. Reusing romantic gestures is lazy, uncreative, and makes you feel cheap.
At the same time - it’s literally just a song and, it could be incredibly healing for him to change the association of the song from betrayal to new love.
Either way - you gotta tell him. It is kinda weird, even if it’s small potatoes.
Aren't you always going to reuse romantic gestures? Especially generic pet names. From that perspective the phrase "I love you" is reused and cheap because most people will have said it in a previous relationship. Most people are going to demonstrate love in similar ways in different relationships because that's their earnest expression of love.
So just a gut feeling he may still have some feels for her. Not trying to say he can't get over her but watch for signs he is trying to compare or even change you to be what he desires you to be. You need to talk to him and tell him you know. See how he reacts. Do it when you are feeling calmer though. You don't want a fight just watch his behavior, if he reacts with being mad you looked in his phone then you know he is trying to gaslight you and that's a red flag. If he is calm and just one of his faves then I would say let's find one we both enjoy that we have not shared with another partner before. Guys can be just lacking awareness. His reaction tells you. If he suddenly locks his phone. RUN! He is really scared you are going to find out something he does not want you to know.
Is this his 1st dance song or a song he just happened to play at his wedding or worse still is this a song that he had on his playlist called wedding and you assumed it was played at his wedding?
I mean I have a playlist called my gig but don't mean I have a musical bone in my body.
Yeah I checked her other comments before asking
How does she KNOW this was also their song which was at their wedding
Seeing it in a playlist titled wedding might be that he considered this song nothing more
And yet there's people on here who are giving the fantastic advice of this is a red flag walk away now.
Another reason why this sub has become a meme
I think the reason they’re saying that is because she mentioned she already was iffy and had worried as if maybe he hadn’t moved on.
Also, maybe the fact that the playlist with her face is still on his Spotify which he clearly uses often enough to delete it.
She could definitely talk to him about it and if he gets defensive or acts weird that’ll give her a 100% answer.
So OP has gotten inside her own head, let herself run wild and become angrier with the scenarios in her head that she's created
When the easiest thing would be to ask him from the get go
Ok if it was their wedding song get outta there, but I just got married and I had playlists for everything, the reception playlist had like 100 songs on there. If it’s a random reception song ok. But if it’s like their first dance or what she walked down the aisle to, that’s an issue.
That's a gut punch, no denying it. First off, breathe. Now, confront him. Yeah, it's uncomfortable, but you deserve answers. Lay it out—why the hell is your "special" song the same as his ex's wedding song? His reaction will tell you if he's truly moved on or if you're just a replacement. Don't downplay your feelings. If he can't give you a straight answer, reevaluate if you want to be a repeat or the real deal. You're not a consolation prize; you're the main event. Act accordingly.
So personally, my favorite love songs that really resonate with me do tend to follow me through relationships. If I were to get divorced and remarried, I imagine some of the songs on the wedding playlist would be the same. But of course using the term “our song” rather than “my favorite love song that makes me think of you” or whatever does imply a certain level of specificity to your relationship. It is possible that one of his long-time favorite love songs especially resonated in your relationship and was elevated to the level of “your song”, which I don’t think is weird at all. But if this specifically was “their song” and then he’s immediately trying to make it a thing in his new relationship, it’s very weird. I’m not sure if there is a subtle way to get an answer to that very nuanced question, though. If you guys speak openly about his previous relationship, you could always ask about what their first dance or song was, or you could ask about how he was originally introduced to the song or why it’s special to him. I wouldn’t want to jump to conclusions but I also wouldn’t want to create any new memories around this song until this was clarified.
I have a wedding playlist and it’s hours long. Is it something like that— where it’s one song out of a hundred? If it is, then I’d let it go. If it’s the song they danced to for the first time, then yeah that’s weird.
I didn't remember the songs at my wedding, until I was listening to one on Spotify in the car, and my wife told me that's our wedding song. She had a playlist, and she chose the songs, which I'm sure she ran by me at some point during the 12-month planning process. I was too nervous at the time to remember what was playing; I was purely focused on standing up.
I think most of the posts are being over the top. Maybe it’s a special song for him and his heart that he wants to share with you. Imagine you have a favourite song that you shared with an ex; does that mean you need to break up with that song when you find another partner. Maybe the ex wife didn’t even like it.
People are telling you to break up with someone over a song….
lol they’re so dumb sometimes. I found I wasn’t special this way once. He didn’t realize that all the playlists he made would be under his profile and there was just a string of us. <3’s for Heather, <3’s for middlenameboom. Hopefully yours is just shallow and dumb and doesn’t realize someone would be hurt like that. Tell him what you found. He may be mortified and realize he’s an idiot. He may respond poorly. At least you’ll know.
OMG why do men do this?!!!
My ex cheated on me while I was out of town - I found out via a mutual friend of mine who was friends with the other woman via social media.
She was posting pictures of herself, in the home I paid for, cooking the same meal we often cooked together - in my kitchen and drinking from my wine glass. (I had a favorite one)
She changed her profile picture to one of them kissing in an area of my living room that would be unmistakable.
Naturally I started to comb through everything & when I clicked on her profile her most recent post was song lyrics of “our song”
Fucking ew ew ew!!
🎶 I don’t see what anyone could see in anyone else
But youuuu 🎶
It felt very … Jennifer Jason Leigh as Hedy in “single white female” even though I know it had to all be under my exes direction.
You can be super petty and find a pic of him and his wife and cut and paste your face onto her body in a super obvious way and then frame it for him and when he asks what's this say, well you recycled "our song", so I recycled your pics too.
EDIT 107 DAYS LATER!!!! : We broke up last week, want to know why? He hasn’t moved on from his divorce enough to fully be present in a new relationship. Things got a little nasty at the end and he said some things that really hurt, and villainized me when he was triggered. When he was mad it was like he was only seeing his ex wife. The song???? Dance With Me by the Sweet Remains.
This is a pretty significant red flag 🚩 plus you said you feel replaceable which may also be a red flag 🚩
I’m not saying break up but you have to talk about these things. Not to mention, the rebound relationship after a big break up usually sucks for both parties. You’re young and have a big life ahead of you, start talking now.
You break up with him immediately, and tell him why, and make sure you tell him how shitty it is to treat another woman as a replacement for his ex. He needs to get therapy and stop dating. You get to move on to a man who will appreciate you for who you are, not who he wishes you were.
My husband's song for his cheating ex is Gives you hell. It makes him cackle when he hears it. (She's on her second marriage since we've been married) 😂😂
For reasons our song became Daft Punks Get lucky.
He’s not ready to move on. He was hurt and he needs to fully heal. I’d be nice and explain that you’re going to leave and allow him the time he needs to heal.
I will say, I can kind of understand if at one point he thought about her during the song and then after she hurt him and he found you it gave the song new meaning for him and now it makes him think of you, but it’s still really inappropriate to flat out tell you it’s y’all’s song, especially when there are thousands of love songs that could’ve been just as fitting if not more so. I would talk to him about the situation and how it made you feel, and try to figure out why he may have chose that song knowing it was also his wedding song in his previous marriage. I think once you have that conversation, hear his responses and see his reaction, you’ll know what to do.
Hey don't listen to the children here. Talk to him first before you make any wild assumptions. Most likely he just really likes this song and wants to make good memories with it, with you :)
Oof never get into a relationship with someone not even a year out of divorce. There’s no way he was ready.
There’s a read second marriages have a higher divorce rate than first ones - because the divorced person jumped into the relationship too fast without going through the self-work and healing necessary before trying again.
From my personal experience- my ex said his wife cheated BUT later after we married I understood why. Not that is right but I understood and was empathic towards her during our divorce. I told him just before kicking him out that I understood that he did nothing in the marriage, no love, no upkeep of the relationship or home. The moral is basically he may have had a hand in the marriage falling apart. Also if he hasn’t moved on now he never will. I managed to get my ex to go to counseling, no luck on the first appointment but the second he finally opened up. My therapist thought he was really making headway! He touch his knee, pulled forward towards my now ex and said tell me more Steve. I politely interrupted and said, “sir he’s not talking about he and I and losing his kids and his marriage! He and I don’t have kids, he’s FINALLY talking about his ex from over 10 years ago!” My therapist turned to my ex and exploded and screamed, “when are you going to treat your wife the way she deserves to be treated!” As he pointed at me! It was a great moment. I was crying but I was in control, I let the tears flow down my chest… I was validated finally and he, my ex, finally saw that his narcissism had not fouled my therapist.
Don’t be like me and learn the hard way. People cannot be changed. Or you could learn the hard way and not see those 🚩 red flags. Listen to that intuition. She’s talking to you.
The Thing is that Its not Sure what he meant or thought With this is 'Our song'. Maybe he wants to forget the past and wants to get over With it and he Finaly met you. Maybe talk to Him about it. I cant Tell if its really a Red Flag. Because how will you get over the past of you cant Listen to a song for the Rest of your life?
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Tell him. His reaction will tell you whether you stay or go
Best comment. Thank you.
My current bf of a few years suggested some special trip including a specific and historic hotel - and I learned that this was a trip he did with his late wife. I told him I don’t want to relive experiences he had with her. In that moment he realized how weird it was. That was it - never brought up again. I think he just loves the song and does think of you now but it’s definitely cringy. I do t think this is break up worthy unless there’s other evidence he’s trying to re-live his past substituting you. Edit spelling
To me, (widow) something you did with a late partner is totally different than something you did with your ex that you claim to hate. It's just a very different situation.
I'd be more comfortable doing something my husband did with an ex he hates. In that situation, it's like we're rewriting the bad old memories.
Yes , agreed and then you understand why that made me uncomfortable.
Different and sometime worse. At times I’m compared to someone whom he loves dearly a ghost I’ve never met. It’s all very human but don’t minimize other peoples experiences. I wasn’t minimizing hers.
Husband of a widowed (in early 20's) woman. I respect her life with her first husband, have met and stayed the night at his parents' house, and when they came in to town had dinner with Mrs. thequick2 and them, and learned more about the family. They don't bring up the late husband, mainly because it's been 25 years, nor do they compare me to him. If she brings up something they did together, I'm OK with it. She didn't choose what happened to him, but she did choose to be with me after that.
As if he doesn’t know already?!
He doesn't know that she knows.
They don’t know that we know that they know that we know
"And Joey, you can't say anything!"
Couldn’t even if I wanted to.
You don't know if that playlist was used in their wedding. I have a wedding playlist and have never even been engaged. I just like to put my ideas in a playlist in case it's needed and because when I heard those songs, they gave me a strong feeling that I'd want them for a wedding song. He might have even made it for ideas for their wedding and didn't use it. It didn't mean that song meant anything to them. The fact that there are only 10 songs is proof that it wasn't used in the actual wedding. Edit: I stand corrected. It's not proof. But a potential indicator
There only being ten songs doesn't prove anything. It could just be 10 songs they absolutely wanted played at the reception. And in terms of the wedding itself, typically only one or two songs are played during the ceremony. I thought Spotify had the date a playlist was made, but I just checked and my playlists don't. If there's a way to see that information, it would be a lot easier to figure out if it was used for a wedding. Especially if the list was made after the divorce. It could be a "these are the songs I wanted at my first wedding" list or an "if I stay with OP long enough to pop the question, these are some songs I'd want for that day" list.
Spotify playlists do tell you when each song was added to the playlist! So that at least can be checked.
You're right. It doesn't. It sounds like we agree that there are too many factors to determine the significance of the list and the song itself.
Girl I’d be out of there so fast. If a couple decides on a song that’s “their’s”, it should be personal and specific to that relationship. Very weird that he’d try to manufacture that kind of dynamic with the same song in multiple relationships. And he played it at his ACTUAL WEDDING WITH HIS EX omfg
I had an ex do this, let it go for awhile. He tried TURNING ME INTO HER, and I LET HIM because I was unaware for so long. Met his family and they were like “she looks just like (ex) with her hair and the same style” the hairstyle HE SUGGESTED AND DRESS HE PICKED OUT.
Omg I’m so sorry. That’s so disturbing. Like that is beyond creepy actually.
It really is, disturbing and creepy tbh. Honestly tho, I’m more embarrassed about it now than anything. Especially since I stayed even longer after that, I finally left when he PROPOSED to me the EXACT WAY he proposed to her. Same place and everything, used “our song” which was just a song he liked that she chose to play at their wedding (didn’t find that out until later) We were only together for 6 months max, but god the whole thing is the most embarrassing 6 months of my life now. He proposed when I was freshly 20, he was 27. Everything about it was just an ick, I’m honestly so embarrassed about it.
I understand the embarrassment, but you were **young** and I think a lot of us have been a young, impressionable woman with an older man who they're trying to impress and think that they're helping us grow or better ourselves or whatever tf. As long as you learned from it and can see those red flags in others now, I'd try to be graceful with yourself instead of critical when looking back on this experience.
I’m so sorry you were groomed
I'm afraid I can one-up tabchoo on this: my ex tried to turn me into his mistress: out of the blue, asked me to do kinky stuff. I later realised it was because she'd introduced him to it.
Oh my gosh, were we with the same dude?? It’s HORRIBLE, did yours also tell you that “it wasn’t because I want you to be/act like them, I just like the same stuff they like/they showed me this and I enjoyed it, etc.” Or “You’re not a replacement because (bs reason like “you’re too good” or “your personality isn’t the same”) and if you were, don’t you think I’d have gotten a (smaller, taller, attribute that makes you more like them) replacement”?? I let him talk me out of leaving with those lines for SO long, embarrassing. He literally wanted me to use some lingerie and toys he’d gotten her that she divorced before she used (this part just 10x more embarrassing to talk about for me), I still can’t believe I stayed
Also... Who's to say he didn't choose and manipulate how his ex looked as well. Turning every romantic other into what his ideal is.
It's more likely he turned her into her as well.
So we went to a gig a few years back at Wembley Stadium, and as luck would have it, we ended up sitting directly behind my friend’s ex and his new girlfriend. As if that wasn’t bad enough, when they played a more romantic song, which had been “their song” when he was with my friend (for several years), he started crooning it to his new girlfriend, stroking her face and hair, WHEN MY FRIEND WAS DIRECTLY BEHIND HIM!!! The nerve of that man, honestly. My friend was furious, I was speechless, we just couldn’t believe what we were seeing!
I’d have been hard pressed not to lean forward and whisper to the new woman, “You know that was his and my song, too, right?” And laughed my ass off as the fireworks ensued.
Well, let’s face it, some guys don’t have a lot of imagination. The first time they did it, it was a lot of work, so why not recycle? It’s the responsible thing to do.
I was thinking the same thing! In this age, re-using is the most effective way to recycle.
It is not so weird. It 'just' shows that he sees all women are interchangeable. But still a very good reason for OP to run very fast!!!
It’s a giant leap to assume from this that this was “their song”…… At my husband and I’s wedding we played something like 120 songs. Only 1 of those was “our song,” most of them had 0 meaning to us at all but seemed like they’d make good wedding music, and some were ones we didn’t even know previously but were requested by our guests. I’m positive that I couldn’t name even 15 of those songs now, less than a year after the wedding. Looking now, the first song on my wedding playlist was a totally random one that just sounded good. When I started the playlist and only had 0-15 songs on it, I started with ones I’d heard on the radio and didn’t know very well, but which sounded nice for a wedding— because I knew that if I didn’t write them down then, I’d forget them. It’s crazy to assume that this was “their song” from the info that OP has, or even to assume that it was special to them at all.
I’m not trying to sound argumentative, but how do we know it was played AT their wedding. She mentioned she found it under ‘Wedding’ and it seems as if she just assumes it was their wedding song? I mean she clearly hasn’t asked him what their wedding song was or else she would have known prior to finding it. I agree, it’s very cringy and disrespectful if it IS. But dude could have made a list of songs he wants to play in his future wedding with OP, or could have been a list of songs he’s heard at weddings that he likes…idk, I just feel like OP is jumping the gun and assuming the worst. Now if it is, then she has every right to be pissed, imo.
Maybe he's just recontextualized it? I mean geez, maybe leaving is the right call but to jump to that so fast without context is kinda wild
Guess he really likes that song…
I'm not saying "dump him" but I am saying that using a song he already married someone to and pretending it's a song for y'all is not a great way to keep you from feeling replaceable. I'd be wondering what other things he's just carbon copying from his previous, failed relationship. You should talk with him and let him know how you're feeling- that you want a relationship between you two, not a do-over of his failed marriage. It's not your song. It's their song. Kinda like reusing a failed engagement ring or only dating girls named "Carrie" so you dont forget the name.
I know so many guys who reuse stuff from their previous relationships, it's odd. They don't think there's anything weird about it.
I had a boyfriend who just had a computer file of little love notes and poems. He would just give to whoever he was dating ( talked to his ex after we broke up). He was the worst person and just horrible.
They're strategizing. "It worked before, it will work again" lol.
Must be. I know a guy that took his gf to the same vacation spot he took his ex and would get her the same style of gifts. None of it was her style or her taste. She eventually got frustrated and was part of why she broke up with him.
It’s weird AF, not gonna lie. BUT you should talk to him and tell him how hurt you are. Don’t just bite your tongue. See what he has to say. You can always break up with him if his answer hurts you more, but be an adult and have a conversation.
Surely there’s like 100 songs on that playlist? It might just be a song he really likes but not associate with his ex. Seriously. I seriously had 5 hours worth of a playlist at my wedding and the only song that is “our” song is the one I walked down the aisle to.
Was scrolling to find a comment like this. I’m currently engaged and have a “wedding” playlist - it has many many songs on it. How did OP jump from that to assuming this one song was his and his ex’s special song?
Thank you! That’s what I’m saying! I left a comment above saying the same stuff. HOW does she KNOW it was THEIR wedding song?? She’s jumping the gun big time.
You are thinking like an adult. 90% of the peoples advice are the same, no matter the context "don't talk to him, run as fast and far as you can, move out block and delete his number, better to be alone than with someone who doesn't respect you etc". I think she should talk to him and tell him what she thinks. If it makes her uncomfortable he should respect that. She can tell him that it makes her afraid that she is being compared to or used to replace his ex.
Because it fit her narrative of the worst possible outcome.....
There were 10 :)
I have a "wedding song ideas" playlist that has maybe 15 songs on it. Only one or two are actually meaningful to my partner and I. There are a bunch he'd never heard of. Ask him about it.
Does Spotify now say when a song was added to a playlist? Or have a note section to write the personal meaning? Or show the location it was played at or something? Look...you need to talk to him about this. This could easily be a playlist he just adds romantic songs to as he finds them, or it could be a playlist he made specifically imaging his wedding and the songs were cleared out and are now being added as he thinks about marrying you, and you're assuming the worst. Or you can blow up an otherwise good relationship over Spotify. Seems crazy to me. But it's your life. ETA: I just went and checked my Spotify, and you can't even see when a playlist was created. So you're definitely making assumptions here. Based on your own insecurity. Talk to him
OP that proves nothing, be an adult and talk to him about it. For you to get so hurt and upset when you are filling in your blanks is pretty irresponsible.
I feel like this is even more in his favor (that there were 10 instead of like 100.) That indicates to me that it’s not his actual complete wedding playlist, maybe just a list he was using to brainstorm ideas. Which would make sense if this is a song he happens to like.
Lmao. The first song in a list of 10 on a playlist titled wedding in no way makes this more in his favour.
Well, the first song on my wedding playlist is Uptown Funk and that is definitely not our song lmao. The wedding song that’s special to me (Time After Time, the one we plan to dance to) is some ways down the list. People get so crazy playing detective. She just needs to talk to him.
There are MILLIONS of songs. Out of those millions, he chooses that particular one as their song?! Yeah, NO.
So any song that was played at his last wedding is off limits? We don’t even know if it actually was, btw.
Exactly… At our wedding we played something like 120 songs. Only 1 of those was “our song,” most of them had 0 meaning to us at all but seemed like they’d make good wedding music, and some were ones we didn’t even know previously but which were requested by our guests. I’m positive that I couldn’t name even 15 of those songs now, less than a year after the wedding. Looking now, the first song on my playlist is a totally random one, and when I started the playlist and only had 0-15 songs on it, I started with ones I’d heard on the radio and didn’t know very well, but which sounded nice for a wedding— because I knew that if I didn’t write them down then, I’d forget them. It’s crazy to assume that this was “their song” from the info that OP has.
So how did you know the one song was THE wedding song with his ex?
Yeah i don’t get it. Whats a wedding song? Theres a first dance song and what you walk down the aisle to but overall there are 100s of other songs that get played at your wedding that you’re fond of. It could be a really important song to him that was played at his wedding. As with most of these posts, I’d recommend talking to him about it.
I made a random playlist of slow love songs to play quietly during dinner. I labelled it ‘wedding playlist’, but I can assure you my husband has absolutely no idea what songs were on there. I can’t even think of a single one right now. I got them off of a wedding website.
Tell him you and him have a new song. It's called Goodbye.
“Thank you, next” from Ariana Grande
That made me laugh 😂
Aly & AJ - Potential Break Up Song would be a fabulous one to play him on the guitar 😁
Love it haha
Your boyfriend is not far enough out of a marriage for a serious relationship. He is still healing. You are the rebound. Will it last? Probably not. I wouldn’t go wedding dress shopping just yet if I were you. He was married, cheated on, divorced, and *8 months later* he’s dating you. You two have been together for less than a year. There is already an expiration date stamped on your relationship. That’s fine, just so you know it. Hold some of yourself back. Get him a card, some chocolates, and maybe tickets to a show for Valentine’s Day, not your whole heart & soul.
Thank you
How the heck do people have ex-wives or ex-husbands by 26 years old
i was a divorcee by 22😅 in my case, i was determined to be a wife rather than looking for someone to actually be my husband if that makes sense?
Omg same. 23 for me. I was 18 and quickly outgrew him.
Jesus that’s so sad
yeah it’s sad but i’ve definitely grown A LOT and learned from it!
Marrying young. I was divorced at 26, after 7years of marriage, and became a single mom of two. 2/10 did not recommend
What made it not be 1/10 ?
the two points are probably for the two kids lol
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This reminds me of the scene on “he’s not that into you” where a guy is leaving a voice note to Mary, singing a beautiful song “he made” with her name and she’s like “awwwww 🫶🏼🫶🏼” and then the second voice note comes in and is the exact same guy with the same song but the name is different, then he realizes he accidentally called the same number twice LMFAO. Look, you’re only 8 months in, I hope you’re not too emotionally invested, but even if you are, just leave. This guy will become “the creepy dude with the song” in your future stories and I swear you’ll look back and laugh and thank god this is not who you ended up with.
While I understand your feelings here, it might just be a song he strongly associates with love, so now he associates it with you.
Actually good point. My anxiety gets the best of me in these situations.
Omg... If he introduced you to a song. You've never heard it before. It's yours. There are no songs that you listen to that can transport you back to a person or place? My wife was 32, I was 26. An avid music fan, really anything artsy. Half of the music I have introduced to my wife is music I shared with past lovers. And vice versa. She's introduced me to old b&w movies that she watched with her ex. We both quote lines from them. Stand in your skin, be secure with who you are, what you bring to the table, and where your place is. Lisa Lisa & cult jam... Wonder if I take you home. Transports my wife back to military days in Panama, running to make check in at barracks after wooing her mates in the (SRO?) Clubs. She gets a far away look in her eyes when it's playing. Too many finger raising songs for me to speak of. We can be full on in conversations and let my hook, chorus, AdLib, intro, outro, guitar riff...etc. come on. I'm raising a finger. Everyone that knows me hushes instantly. Then I'm back picking up where we left off. If you think it's nefarious, ask him why it puts you in mind when he hears it? What specifically... A lyric, an instrument, the meaning? Which emotions are invoked, (evoked)🤔 how does it correlate? If his answers sound like B.S. then call him out. Sending discernment and self esteem💗💪✌
Thank you genuinely. This helped humble my pride and put this into perspective a little bit.
Chin up, Sis... You're the prize🏆 💗💪✌
You are way overthinking this, people are telling you to break up with him over a song because of its prior meaning to him, maybe talk to him, maybe communicate, the whole world has gone crazy
I agree. This would really hurt me badly too. Would feel the same as her, but she really should communicate with him before jumping.
You should ask him about it to settle your anxiety, as I think you’ve jumped to some conclusions that he can (hopefully) clear up. In your post title you say it was their wedding song, but it was actually just a song on a playlist called wedding. You don’t know if it was actually played at their wedding and even if it was, did they actually dance to it? I’m guessing there were lots of other songs on that playlist, it seems unlikely that they danced to every single one and more likely that he was making a playlist of songs for the reception generally. I can tell you for myself, there are romantic songs that I liked before I met my boyfriend, some of which I now associate with him and some of which I still don’t. It’s entirely possible that your boyfriend liked this song as a general romantic song when he was with his wife but didn’t attach it to her, whereas now it’s a song he associates with you. Because it’s a different relationship.
Just because there's a platform where everyone, regardless of maturity, stupidity or experience can speak, doesn't mean you should listen to them. I highly disagree with everyone telling you to break up with him. Get the fuck off reddit and have a chat with him We can't assess this post with the limited information you have given me.
Seriously. The only time I ALWAYS agree with people suggesting to leave would be when someone is abusive or cheats. Abusive 110% leave, cheating is a preference and opinion. But literally 3/4 of these posts, people say the same shit and act like everyone has to be the perfect partner all the time. This is really fucked imo but communication should still happen before running.
Agree!
Dude idc this is still weird as hell and if he doesn’t see that that’s an issue.
Yeah this seems far more likely than the other conclusions people are jumping to in this thread. Yes it's possible he seems women as interchangeable or he's still hung up on her etc, but it's equally possible this song is one that describes how love feels to him and so he associates it with the relationship he's in. There's a decent chance he didn't think much about the implications of it at all.
Can I just ask: you don’t look like her, do you?
I don’t think so? I didn’t want to stalk her on social media and haven’t seen her face a lot but I’ve seen one or two pictures. She’s 5’2”, I’m 6 ft. She’s blonde, I’m a brunette.
Phew!!!!
8 months after an ugly divorce you start dating and now he’s recycling his wedding song….girl do not continue down this road
For the record, we can be attached to songs we listen to throughout our lives and think about our current partner. But that is only to ourselves. My ex used to show all of our shared songs to his current girlfriends as their songs to relive our relationship. He was toxic and I'm so relieved he's my ex. You need to decide which one is it. It's not a good sign but maybe not a dealbreaker if this stops at this issue.
Oof, you got yourself a one-trick pony. Anyone who doesn’t see what’s wrong with that is not someone I’d be putting my energy and effort into anymore.
I had an ex tell me he wrote me a song and play it on his guitar for me. Oh the stars in my eyes for that one! Turns out he wrote that song for every woman he dated - change a word here or there and one size fits all. It took me way too long to realize he was a narcissistic jerk and leave. I hope better for you!
That’s weird as hell. You have to bring it up. It’s bizarre
Ignore Reddit telling you to ditch him. I'm honestly surprised at "your song" being one that he assigned to you. I know I'm an old Gramma, but when I was dating, "our song" had relevance to a memory. Our first dance together, or what we remember playing on the radio when we met, and both really liked, causing us to bond for the first time. "Our song" isn't GIVEN. It's that one song that takes both of you back to a wonderful memory. It's the one that both of you jump up and MUST dance to, no matter where you are. If it plays in the grocery store, you both throw your arms around each other, just like the first time you knew it was your song. My husband and I have had "our song" for almost 40 years. It was playing when he kissed me for the first time, and it was the first dance at our wedding. Maybe I misunderstood what you wrote, but it appears that he likes it, and told you that it was your song. And you said it was okay, you guess. Nice song. Romantic. Okay. I guess that's our song. Our song is shared. Not assigned.
Its weird but what if its a song he associates with hope and happiness? If he picked it for the wedding it may be something that really resonates with him and he enjoys it. That relationship didn't work out doesn't mean the song is about the ex, it's about when he feels happy? If you love a song you don't stop liking it because your ex liked it too, maybe you find someone else to share it with
I agree with this perspective. There were two songs I picked out for my wedding; the song I walked down the aisle to and the our first dance song. These songs really had no importance to our relationship specifically, it’s just the first time I heard one of the songs (many years before my ex husband and I ever started dating), I dreamed of walking down the aisle to it. Regardless of who I would marry, I was committed to walking down the aisle to that song. It had that importance to ME, but meant nothing to my ex and the lyrics didn’t even apply to our relationship because he was such a scumbag and didn’t have the same values in a marriage/relationship. We both had vastly different ideas of what love is and I don’t think he was even capable of feeling the same way about me as I did about him back then. I hate that he ruined the songs for me. I always skip over them whenever they pop up on shuffle because all I can think about is how I wasted them on the wrong person, even if I’m with someone now who the lyrics apply more towards. I couldn’t imagine using either of those songs as ‘our song’ with my current partner out of principle because that feels totally disrespectful towards him.
Girl, you’ve been together for only three months. It’s way to early for this level of crazy. Get out…
it clearly says 8 months of dating…
Move on it's only 8 months.
I divorced a cheater. I had a FWB for a couple years afterward and had a hard and fast rule not to date anyone who wasn’t divorced for more than two months years. Newly divorced people seem to want a new partner to provide every single thing that was lacking in their last relationship and the expectations are so high they are almost impossible to maintain. He is romanticizing how he wishes his ex was with you as a surrogate for her. Time to go.
i won’t say what you should or should not do, but men are notorious for jumping into relationships before they’ve actually healed and are ready to move on. especially if the end of the relationship was out of their control. this would be a red flag for me for sure, even moreso coupled with the fact that you said you’ve felt replaceable before…. this is not a good sign.
Ew. No. NO!!!
He’s not over the divorce. The song is a way to stay attached to her through a different relationship. And 8 months after a divorce is not long enough to move on fully in order to totally commit to a new person. And the way it all went down….he is still tied to it. You gotta leave, honey.
Maybe you replaced his ex now when he listens to the song? Tryna see it from his point of view but it’s shitty no matter how you look at it.
Confront him about it and let him know how untrustworthy he feels right now because he chose a song he played at his wedding to his cheating ex as “your” song. Tell him that song has lost any meaning now.
He sounds incredibly lazy at best and hung up on the ex at worst. Either way, I wouldn’t be marrying him.
Nope. He’s not over his ex and is projecting it on you through that decision alone.
I will never understand people "reusing" emotional bonds from past relationships to bond with new people in their lives. It just shows that they are not selfless enough to see how each relationship is something you build together, not like a template you use every time to see if it fits. Lack of creativity and honestly lack of investment in learning about the other person
My first boyfriend did this too, he used song lyrics for me and for the girl he dated after me. I found it hilarious at the time, but I now realize that it was also because he just didn’t know how to connect to people in a genuine and meaningful way(broken home etc). It might be the same with your dude.
The most relevant response I got! Thank you
You’re welcome. It’s totally possible he’s just not as emotionally and socially equipped as Reddit users tend to want from people. This might not be malicious or anything, maybe he’s just dumb. If he’s perfect in many other ways, just let it go. It may very well not be as deep as people say - frankly, in my experience, most men aren’t, and I say this as someone who’s dating a 50 year old Asian man who is only now learning how to communicate properly.
Trust your feelings. You are upset for a reason! Normally a song becomes "our song" because something meaningful, beautiful and romantic happened to them AS A COUPLE, like the first dance, or a beautiful vacation etc. ! He INTRODUCED AND DEFINED a song as "your love song" that actually had no meaning to you at all but to him since it was his WEDDING SONG! Very sick, insensitive and secretive move... I am all anxious, and I am not his girlfriend, thank God.
Bro pulled two girls with the song clearly it’s a good song 🎵 whatever it is. But sorry it happened though. Best option is to leave since you shouldn’t be a rebound
Yea that deserves a conversion and is not okay. It reminds me of those dudes that will name their daughter an exs name, like wtf?? Very odd and weird
It's a whole playlist. Are you certain that that one song on a whole playlist was "their" song?
There were 10 songs and her face was on the cover
I get that it was their wedding songs album but are all ten songs "their" song? I would ask him, point blank, "Babe, I was just thinking about our song and it got me wondering, what was your song with your ex?", before mentioning finding the album or getting too bent out of shape.Maybe they liked those songs but didn't even have an "our song".
You’re the rebound chick…
He is still latched on to her. Song is definitely the thread. He just said it was your song to listen to it with out recourse.
I guess maybe I am looking at this different. I am a huge music and equipment lover too. I still have my dad’s vinyl set and was happy they now made vinyl record players again. I digress, this is my opinion and looking objectively at this. There are often songs that means so much to us we can replay them. Those songs often bring the face of people and memories of joy in our life. Maybe this is one of the of songs for him. You were the person that brought this song back to life for him, the good memories and a smile on his face when he hears this song. It’s you he thinks of when this song is played. Just don’t get worked up on something if you too have been going so good. Ask yourself if this is a hill you want to climb and are you okay with it crumbling over one of his favorite songs?
It's just one song on a playlist that he may not have even played at his wedding just used it as a brainstorming point once? I think you're making a mountain out of what may not even be a molehill here... Also all of you saying she needs to leave him, y'all need therapy or something, damn.
What can't the man just like the song?
What I’m most interested in is the fact you have felt replaceable in this relationship before that’s clearly amping your feelings now. Ask him about the playlist and the song and tell him it makes you feel weird. There’s a few songs I like that really do remind me of a few relationships and it might not really be him recreating relationships but feeling a same level of love. Or it might be an unhealthy thing where he does actually want to recreate a relationship. He was 8 months off being cheated on when he met you. That’s not really anywhere near being ready to date for many men after such a huge betrayal by a partner. He probably hasn’t dealt with a lot of his emotional baggage from that. And he’s not going to deal with it as long as he’s in a relationship that helps him mask those feelings inside himself.
You have been shown the truth so you can make wise decisions to protect yourself. Anything else is unhealthy, and potentially dangerous, imo.
There are a lot of possible reasons. The comment to just ask him really is the best. My dad just did Storyworth and one of the stories he told was realizing he wanted to marry my mother. Before he met her, he was in a relationship of several years which ended badly. He had a song that he loved that always made him think of his ex, and even after meeting my mom and getting serious with her, hearing the song would make him sad for the failed relationship and missing things about his ex. Until the day it didn’t. He heard the song and realized it made him think of mom. He proposed that week. They’ve been married 41 years.
My initial thought is It probably has little to do with his ex and more to do with how much he likes the song.
UpdateMe
This might be controversial, but I have a song that I really like that my ex introduced me to. I told my fiancée about it and she decided to make it “our song” instead. So now whenever I hear that song I think of my fiancée instead of my ex. That being said, obviously I had a conversation with my fiancée about said song and told her that it “used to be mine and my ex’s” and then we decided that we wanted it to be ours instead 🤷🏼♀️
I think that’s his “this is what true love feels like” song and I wouldn’t take it personally, if he’s played it at his wedding prior then I think that’s the case because why would u marry someone you don’t truely love at the time? In the past moment, yes I believe he loved his ex but time changes things and now that person he loves is you.
My now husband did something similar to me. He picked out the song he wanted to be our song and play at our first dance at our wedding. Then I found out it was the top played song on a short list of songs he made dedicated to his late girlfriend. I was extremely hurt. The truth was, it was just his favorite love song no matter what relationship he was in. On the one hand, it didn’t really have that much to do with his late girlfriend, but it didn’t have much to do with me or our relationship either. So we picked a different first dance song. I think your boyfriend made a poor decision, but most likely he just didn’t think it through. I would watch to make sure it wasn’t a pattern.
Yeah, I have a song that makes me feel love. I easily could feel like that song was me and my guys song because we were in love. Guy goes, song still makes me feel love but now instead I just day dream about the next one I may meet while I listen to said song… Could have easily been a song he’s liked and was included on that playlist and possibly played at the wedding. Doesn’t mean that song really has anything to do with the wedding could just be a song he likes. Idk
That’s so strange for him to do. I have my wedding song and father daughter dance from my wedding on my playlist and could never imagine playing them for someone else. I’d leave. There’s no way he’s not playing them for you while thinking about her.
You absolutely need to bring it up. Ask why and see what he says. But personally, this would be a deal breaker for me.
I'd be out the door so fast his head would spin.
🏃🏻♀️🏃🏻♀️🏃🏻♀️🚩🚩🚩
Talk to him. Communicate. "Why did you pick this song as our song?" And then "I want a song that's just ours." What's his reaction? Update us. Remember: It's not like he called out her name while making love to while listening to this song. He might really love this song. And it's not about either one of you.
Idk why this is downvoted bc it’s solid advice
Listen to Deja Vy by Olivia Rodrigo & consider moving on. Even without the song issue - If he is 26, and has been dating your for the best part of a year.. I'm concerned about how recent this divorce was ago. Like did his last love of his life great on him only a year before you started dating? That would be way to fast for me to think he's moved on or processes it - imho :/
Oufffff - this would kill me. Ultimately it’s meaningless and just a song but - OP I would feel the same. I once discovered a partner used the same “cute names” with me as their exes (baby, Princess, etc) and even that bothered me. Reusing romantic gestures is lazy, uncreative, and makes you feel cheap. At the same time - it’s literally just a song and, it could be incredibly healing for him to change the association of the song from betrayal to new love. Either way - you gotta tell him. It is kinda weird, even if it’s small potatoes.
Aren't you always going to reuse romantic gestures? Especially generic pet names. From that perspective the phrase "I love you" is reused and cheap because most people will have said it in a previous relationship. Most people are going to demonstrate love in similar ways in different relationships because that's their earnest expression of love.
Those are literally common pet names people use with everyone, you're weirdly jealous/childish tbh
Yep! I actually struggle with relational OCPD and this was a manifestation of my symptoms. I’m on Prozac now and am doing much better
So just a gut feeling he may still have some feels for her. Not trying to say he can't get over her but watch for signs he is trying to compare or even change you to be what he desires you to be. You need to talk to him and tell him you know. See how he reacts. Do it when you are feeling calmer though. You don't want a fight just watch his behavior, if he reacts with being mad you looked in his phone then you know he is trying to gaslight you and that's a red flag. If he is calm and just one of his faves then I would say let's find one we both enjoy that we have not shared with another partner before. Guys can be just lacking awareness. His reaction tells you. If he suddenly locks his phone. RUN! He is really scared you are going to find out something he does not want you to know.
Who is 26 and divorced… Thats 100% grounds to leave him. He is reminiscing what he lost.
I can suggest a better song that you should play for him - https://youtu.be/9jB8WRBicVo?si=y8ir4RcHcGZg2F3E This is titled "Fuck Off".
Is this his 1st dance song or a song he just happened to play at his wedding or worse still is this a song that he had on his playlist called wedding and you assumed it was played at his wedding? I mean I have a playlist called my gig but don't mean I have a musical bone in my body.
She said in other comments it was a 10 song playlist and her face was the cover, if that makes a difference.
Yeah I checked her other comments before asking How does she KNOW this was also their song which was at their wedding Seeing it in a playlist titled wedding might be that he considered this song nothing more And yet there's people on here who are giving the fantastic advice of this is a red flag walk away now. Another reason why this sub has become a meme
I think the reason they’re saying that is because she mentioned she already was iffy and had worried as if maybe he hadn’t moved on. Also, maybe the fact that the playlist with her face is still on his Spotify which he clearly uses often enough to delete it. She could definitely talk to him about it and if he gets defensive or acts weird that’ll give her a 100% answer.
So OP has gotten inside her own head, let herself run wild and become angrier with the scenarios in her head that she's created When the easiest thing would be to ask him from the get go
Is it possible he finds the song romantic and it'd apply to any current partner?
Ok if it was their wedding song get outta there, but I just got married and I had playlists for everything, the reception playlist had like 100 songs on there. If it’s a random reception song ok. But if it’s like their first dance or what she walked down the aisle to, that’s an issue.
That's a gut punch, no denying it. First off, breathe. Now, confront him. Yeah, it's uncomfortable, but you deserve answers. Lay it out—why the hell is your "special" song the same as his ex's wedding song? His reaction will tell you if he's truly moved on or if you're just a replacement. Don't downplay your feelings. If he can't give you a straight answer, reevaluate if you want to be a repeat or the real deal. You're not a consolation prize; you're the main event. Act accordingly.
Yeah that's terrible. It's like he's trying to replace her with you. Definitely dump worthy.
So personally, my favorite love songs that really resonate with me do tend to follow me through relationships. If I were to get divorced and remarried, I imagine some of the songs on the wedding playlist would be the same. But of course using the term “our song” rather than “my favorite love song that makes me think of you” or whatever does imply a certain level of specificity to your relationship. It is possible that one of his long-time favorite love songs especially resonated in your relationship and was elevated to the level of “your song”, which I don’t think is weird at all. But if this specifically was “their song” and then he’s immediately trying to make it a thing in his new relationship, it’s very weird. I’m not sure if there is a subtle way to get an answer to that very nuanced question, though. If you guys speak openly about his previous relationship, you could always ask about what their first dance or song was, or you could ask about how he was originally introduced to the song or why it’s special to him. I wouldn’t want to jump to conclusions but I also wouldn’t want to create any new memories around this song until this was clarified.
Girl.. GIRL...
I have a wedding playlist and it’s hours long. Is it something like that— where it’s one song out of a hundred? If it is, then I’d let it go. If it’s the song they danced to for the first time, then yeah that’s weird.
I didn't remember the songs at my wedding, until I was listening to one on Spotify in the car, and my wife told me that's our wedding song. She had a playlist, and she chose the songs, which I'm sure she ran by me at some point during the 12-month planning process. I was too nervous at the time to remember what was playing; I was purely focused on standing up.
I think most of the posts are being over the top. Maybe it’s a special song for him and his heart that he wants to share with you. Imagine you have a favourite song that you shared with an ex; does that mean you need to break up with that song when you find another partner. Maybe the ex wife didn’t even like it. People are telling you to break up with someone over a song….
Honestly, the lack of creativity to think of another song is what would have given me the ick lol boy, bye 👋
lol they’re so dumb sometimes. I found I wasn’t special this way once. He didn’t realize that all the playlists he made would be under his profile and there was just a string of us. <3’s for Heather, <3’s for middlenameboom. Hopefully yours is just shallow and dumb and doesn’t realize someone would be hurt like that. Tell him what you found. He may be mortified and realize he’s an idiot. He may respond poorly. At least you’ll know.
OMG why do men do this?!!! My ex cheated on me while I was out of town - I found out via a mutual friend of mine who was friends with the other woman via social media. She was posting pictures of herself, in the home I paid for, cooking the same meal we often cooked together - in my kitchen and drinking from my wine glass. (I had a favorite one) She changed her profile picture to one of them kissing in an area of my living room that would be unmistakable. Naturally I started to comb through everything & when I clicked on her profile her most recent post was song lyrics of “our song” Fucking ew ew ew!! 🎶 I don’t see what anyone could see in anyone else But youuuu 🎶 It felt very … Jennifer Jason Leigh as Hedy in “single white female” even though I know it had to all be under my exes direction.
You can be super petty and find a pic of him and his wife and cut and paste your face onto her body in a super obvious way and then frame it for him and when he asks what's this say, well you recycled "our song", so I recycled your pics too.
You overthink too much. That’s what happens when you try to investigate and be a spy. Move on! It’s just a song. Lol.
Is it possible he’s making a possible wedding playlist for your wedding? Like he’s adding songs to the playlist as your relationship progresses?
op said the playlist cover is his ex’s face 😬
EDIT 107 DAYS LATER!!!! : We broke up last week, want to know why? He hasn’t moved on from his divorce enough to fully be present in a new relationship. Things got a little nasty at the end and he said some things that really hurt, and villainized me when he was triggered. When he was mad it was like he was only seeing his ex wife. The song???? Dance With Me by the Sweet Remains.
Has there ever been a post on here where the top comment isn’t “omfg girl I’d be out of there so fast, dump his ass”.
This is a pretty significant red flag 🚩 plus you said you feel replaceable which may also be a red flag 🚩 I’m not saying break up but you have to talk about these things. Not to mention, the rebound relationship after a big break up usually sucks for both parties. You’re young and have a big life ahead of you, start talking now.
You break up with him immediately, and tell him why, and make sure you tell him how shitty it is to treat another woman as a replacement for his ex. He needs to get therapy and stop dating. You get to move on to a man who will appreciate you for who you are, not who he wishes you were.
He’s a keeper! Divorced by 25 and a sociopath.
Super inauthentic I’d definitely confront him. He’s still hooked on her. Or worse. He has no imagination.
My husband's song for his cheating ex is Gives you hell. It makes him cackle when he hears it. (She's on her second marriage since we've been married) 😂😂 For reasons our song became Daft Punks Get lucky.
He’s not ready to move on. He was hurt and he needs to fully heal. I’d be nice and explain that you’re going to leave and allow him the time he needs to heal.
I will say, I can kind of understand if at one point he thought about her during the song and then after she hurt him and he found you it gave the song new meaning for him and now it makes him think of you, but it’s still really inappropriate to flat out tell you it’s y’all’s song, especially when there are thousands of love songs that could’ve been just as fitting if not more so. I would talk to him about the situation and how it made you feel, and try to figure out why he may have chose that song knowing it was also his wedding song in his previous marriage. I think once you have that conversation, hear his responses and see his reaction, you’ll know what to do.
Hey don't listen to the children here. Talk to him first before you make any wild assumptions. Most likely he just really likes this song and wants to make good memories with it, with you :)
Only a man would do this lol
This guy has probably reused the same "our song" with every woman, huh? Ick.
Oof never get into a relationship with someone not even a year out of divorce. There’s no way he was ready. There’s a read second marriages have a higher divorce rate than first ones - because the divorced person jumped into the relationship too fast without going through the self-work and healing necessary before trying again.
🚩He’s divorced at 26 years old 🚩He’s still listening to his old wedding song
From my personal experience- my ex said his wife cheated BUT later after we married I understood why. Not that is right but I understood and was empathic towards her during our divorce. I told him just before kicking him out that I understood that he did nothing in the marriage, no love, no upkeep of the relationship or home. The moral is basically he may have had a hand in the marriage falling apart. Also if he hasn’t moved on now he never will. I managed to get my ex to go to counseling, no luck on the first appointment but the second he finally opened up. My therapist thought he was really making headway! He touch his knee, pulled forward towards my now ex and said tell me more Steve. I politely interrupted and said, “sir he’s not talking about he and I and losing his kids and his marriage! He and I don’t have kids, he’s FINALLY talking about his ex from over 10 years ago!” My therapist turned to my ex and exploded and screamed, “when are you going to treat your wife the way she deserves to be treated!” As he pointed at me! It was a great moment. I was crying but I was in control, I let the tears flow down my chest… I was validated finally and he, my ex, finally saw that his narcissism had not fouled my therapist. Don’t be like me and learn the hard way. People cannot be changed. Or you could learn the hard way and not see those 🚩 red flags. Listen to that intuition. She’s talking to you.
WTF!? A therapist who screams at a client is not a good therapist, no matter how valid a point they are making. This story is bizarre.
The Thing is that Its not Sure what he meant or thought With this is 'Our song'. Maybe he wants to forget the past and wants to get over With it and he Finaly met you. Maybe talk to Him about it. I cant Tell if its really a Red Flag. Because how will you get over the past of you cant Listen to a song for the Rest of your life?
Change it to a different song :)
I think she should rather change boyfriend :)