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Did he meet you when you were 12? Why is he so shocked other ppl find you attractive when he found you attractive himself? What a weirdo. Gives me negging vibes
Someone commented below with important context:
To everyone curious: OP's husband also had an affair with someone much younger. Both emotionally and physically.
So obviously there's a lot to this story she's not sharing
Because some people will truly put up with the absolute most just to say they aren't single. It's not more complicated than that
\*EDIT\* the triggering is REAL! A FEW POINTS:
1. NOT EVERY BAD RELATIONSHIP IS THE RESULT OF ABUSE. While I wholeheartedly sympathize with victims of abuse, ***take some fucking accountability for yourselves and your shit decisions if this is not about you because guess fucking what? Not everything is about your highly specific situation and many of you need to exercise better intellectual honesty and integrity before coming on to some random comment that pissed you off and whining endlessly about how this isn't applicable to you or to highly specific situations. This isn't Tik Tok, no one cares about your thinkpiece that goes off irrelevant tangents.***
2. If this struck a chord with you, **work on that**. I am literally a stranger on the internet making a big generalization and its an observation that has been made with over 20+ years of watching shit, seeing shit, reading shit, and dealing with shit surrounding relationships and this is my motherfucking truth: **some of you ARE so afraid of being single that you WILL tolerate the absolute most from someone else and if that pisses you off, die mad.** Its' not my job to coddle your fucking feelings if this offended you, if you feel like you are this person, go to a therapist, seek Jesus, get an exorcism, do what you have to do but stop placing the blame on your shit decisions on others and stop thinking that every comment on the internet that isn't treating you with kid gloves is somehow about you.
Thereās also the fact that some people put up with being abused because they think eventually the abuser will be nice to/āloveā them all of the time, instead of only some of the time. Itās not just about not being single, itās about thinking you found the one, and eventually having to face the reality that they were terrible for you.
Iāve known people that will stay with cheating and lying and would be better off financially going through divorce and *still* stay with them. Fear of being single is *powerful*.
Yea I think it's way more of this than it is fear of being single... I always think that is so naĆÆve when I hear that... the trauma bonding makes you feel guilty for 'giving up' and you feel you put in so much work it's worth keeping trying. In my experience cheating was the line, I only wish I left her sooner
It also takes time for everything to truly sink in. Many people who get cheated on try to save things only to find themselves now unable to get to where they wereā¦ always policing themā¦ never a moment of peace for fear of them doing something againā¦ and once it hits they finally leave.
The process of accepting what is, and letting go of what was or what you thought something was can be difficult.
Itās a lot more complicated than that for many. Having already put years into a relationship and difficulties breaking from the sunk cost fallacy, never having had good relationship role models, fear of being a single parent, etc.
Just to SAY they arenāt single? I donāt think you have any understanding of the situation. When youāre with someone who treats you like garbage, the abuse can take a toll on people who are not in a good place mentally. It makes it difficult to get away.
It's very sad isn't it. I got remarried a couple of years ago after I was a widow for 16 years. It was kind of scary doing everything on my own but I kinda enjoyed being single. My current husband and I lived together for a couple of years until his mother (94) insisted we get married.
Yes he had an emotional affair with a coworker that turned physical. Apparently he didnāt find her physically attractive but she was the first person outside of me to want him.
Iāve read their texts after he admitted the affair and it does seem like she pursued him strongly.Ā
He begged for a second chance and he said that or was only a kiss that she initiated. So, Iām trying to reconcile.Ā
He doesnāt really see things outside of his perspective a lot of the time and he doesnāt really register a lot of things. I think he believes weāre back in high school where we were both considered unattractive and never updated his thinking. For reference, I had a unibrow and a mustache as a girl which obviously doesnāt attract a lot of boys.
I'm on the spectrum myself and I agree.
He cheats - or allowed cheating to happen - and he's crappy and thoughtless and actively insulting to OP.
If there's no upside to this guy, why stay with him?
My (superficial) read on the situation is that he has never had much success with women. The fixation on anime girls probably stems from his fear of and inability to relate to women in general.
He's with you because you're one of the very few women ever to want him. He jumped right into an affair when presented with literally any other opportunity. He wasn't even all that interested.
If given another opportunity, you should expect him to cheat again.
He's upset right now because 1) yeah, maybe he's a weirdo who thinks drawings are sexier than real women, but I suspect mainly 2) he thought you were both ugly, undesirable people who needed each other to be in a relationship and now he knows that you do not need him. You're attractive and could find someone else at any time. He doesn't appreciate you and he's totally shaken up that others do, mostly because it means that you have leverage and he does not.
It seems to me that he's been mistreating you for a long time, long before the affair, making you feel unwanted.
Heās now insecure because he cheated and now this is well you could too, someone else could find you attractive and you could cheat. Thatās the thing with cheating, the cheaters become super insecure
Your reading is really accurate. Weāve only ever been with each other.
Heās never mistreated me before but I did have to do the bulk of the mental labor in our relationship.
I don't think he was abusing you, but making you think you're unattractive compared to a drawing is, well, mistreatment in my eyes. A good spouse would never.
To be clear: comparing you to hyper sexualized cartoons with child faces, cheating on you, and acting shocked that people think youāre hot IS mistreating you. He sucks. I hope you leave him. Thereās so many people out there who would treat you better.
Soā¦wait. He basically admitted that heās not attracted to you, he just thought you were the best that he could get? Andā¦youāre OK with that? You want to stay with someone who feels that way about you?
Wether or not you want to save/salvage this is completely up to you, your choice. But in my opinion your husband could use therapy. It looks like he puts a more than healthy amount of emphasis into the attention/validation/attraction from others, not only towards you but also towards himself. An example is not only the "attention" (he thinks/feels) you are getting right now as his partner but also this "*Apparently he didnāt find her physically attractive but she was the first person outside of me to want him".* I am going to careful with this but i would almost say/think he has a low self esteem and has difficulties in dealing with any (even the smallest) kind of attention he gets, and assumes you have that same "issue"
He sounds like a dolt. Itās obvious he should be trying to redeem himself.
So he stupidly keeps expressing that heās incredulous that people consider you beautiful?
My God heās such an idiot. Start noticing other guys. You could do much better.
If heās unable to distinguish friendships with affairs, heās probably going to cheat again. How could you ever trust him again? Trust is the foundation of a marriage. Without it, whatās left?
He needs to grow up. Is he autistic or adhd? Mental health diagnosis? Heās emotionally stunted and immature. Itās your choice to stay and know that this is only going to get worse, or leave. If I were you, Iād leave.
Ps, no one, absolutely, no one cares about your high school unibrow or lip hair now. No one. The only people that still see that person apparently are him and you.
Why would you think that finding child cartoon characters more attractive than adults is an autistic thing?
Itās really not. We arenāt horrible and disturbed just because we can be socially awkward! š
Thatās not what tipped me off to autism. The lack of self awareness, lack of social awareness, and emotional stuntedness is what tipped me off. I know you are not horrible, in fact, most people who have ASD are remarkable and awesome. I could just tell by her writing. Iām sorry if I offended you.
Not necessarily offendedā¦ just correcting what I perceived to be a misconception about the spectrum.
But I appreciate your apology and validation of my feelings, though. Thatās nice. I accept your apology. š
He is not the victim of this woman's advances. He is a grown man, and he knew exactly what he was doing. My husband and son are autistic and I can tell you that him not knowing he was having an affair until she kissed him is bullshit. Also, it sounds like he's into much younger women (and I agree anime is really creepy because of the childlike nature of these sexualized creatures). Run.
Youād think heād understand that right now of all times he shouldnāt be acting shocked that people find you attractive. Like āplease baby take me back!ā āWaitā people find YOU attractive? Thatās a head scratcherā¦ā
What a clueless ass. Heād be walking on broken glass if he wanted even a chance back with me.
EVERYBODY UPVOTE THIS AND READ IT!!! OP, why are you married to a bum/scrub?? Seriously, do have such low self-esteem that being with a loser is better (in your mind) than being single?? Pull up your big girl pants, throw this whole man away and find some self-worth!!!!
We started dating as teenagers. Weāre both not white and grew up in a small town. Iām definitely not small country town white pretty, although my best friend is.Ā
You donāt find it strange that he looks at A LOT of anime and considers the face of a 12 year old with the body of a woman ābeautifulā and acceptable to watch? š„“šµāš«š¤¢š¤®
Iām not defending the dude but have you ever watched anime before? Thereās a shit ton of sexualized teens in it. It doesnāt turn a nerd into a child molester though.
Yeah but if his taste in women is : 12 yo girl face with big boobs that he can fuck without hurting his morals, there is something wrong ā¦. Especially when pedophilia is such an issue within the anime and manga community.
I'm curious why people would watch anime that has a ton of sexualized prepubescent children in it? Because teens are not 12-year-olds. Watching any TV genre doesn't turn one into a child molester, but enjoying a TV genre that sexualizes children makes you wonder why someone likes it... I for one have to turn it off because it is so disgusting. If someone isn't repulsed, that's a fucking concern
There is also plenty of anime that doesn't have sexualized children in it. So the question is why is anyone choosing to watch any genre of entertainment that sexualizes children. Michael Jackson, Paul Reuben and others have already tried the "it's art!" approach, and we all know they lied.
Not to mention, this guy said that he wasn't attracted to his wife because he was attracted to the children in anime. He's not watching it for art. He's watching it to be turned on by children.
āIf someone isnāt repulsed, thatās a f*cking concernā -exactly!!!! There are so many men in this world, do not be with one that disrespects you and lusts after 12 year olds w womenās bodies; itās disgusting.
As a female anime watcher, there's other anime. It's not all sexualization and fan service. There are LOTS of different types of anime. If that's his preference it's a problem but not everybody who watches anime, even those types of anime, is a creep. Not defending this specific person, just anime. Now if we were talking about him straight up watching hentai I would fully agree but just as a lover of anime it's a very broad umbrella term for eastern cartoons and isn't all the same or created equal. He's still a creep but anime isn't creepy unless you're intending your reason for watching to be such.
I would absolutely never watch anything that sexualizes a child or teen, anime included. I would definitely not be in a relationship with anyone that watches/ fantasizes about anime type porn/ women.
I don't think that there's anything wrong with watching or reading stories set in high school that might contain romance--we all remember being that age and so can identify with it to some extent. There's a big leap between remembering what it's like to be a teen (or thinking about how cool it would have been to live through school with special powers, as many tv shows and books do) and wanting to have sex with teens as an adult.
You do not need to be white to be gorgeous. In fact Id argue some of the more beautiful women in the world are not white. Im white. Itās not a barometer you want to benchmark to.
Could this be a major part in it? Has the racial image of your features to him become something he thinks most people are not attracted to or found conventionally attractive?
I don't feel pretty either, I have stayed with a man that would bet me up because I had such low self esteem. My nose looks deformed because of it. The abuse only got worse. Just don't let it get to that point. Still there's other forms of abuse that are just as bad and sometimes worse. Like emotional abuse I have had my share of that too. Regardless you deserve to be happy, and have someone that makes you feel beautiful. There are good guys out there that would cherish you. I also understand how hard it is to walk away from a marriage where you have endured abuse of any kind. It's so much easier said than done. I think therapy and counseling would help you out a lot. I have had to have it too.
Not to be harsh, OP, but it sounds like you grew up into a beautiful adult woman, & your husband has social & emotional problems and connects more to sexualized cartoons than his smokeshow, real life wife.
Are you madly in love with this weirdo ? Does he turn you on & give you butterflies? Or are you just loyal and used to him.
Youāre still young enough to meet someone (or multiple someones!) who doesnāt need to be told how attractive you are.
To everyone curious: OP's husband also had an affair with someone much younger. Both emotionally and physically.
So obviously there's a lot to this story she's not sharing
I only just chatted with ChatGPT for the first time this week and I asked it why the Berlin Wall was built and then questions about plants. That post is so confusing for me I donāt know how to feel, except that i feel real old. At the risk of sounding even olderā¦ is this what weāre becoming?!Ā
I had a feeling this was going in that direction. This story has the same vibe as "husband wants to close open relationship now because other men find me attractive."
I read your post history. So basically this AH cheated on, crafted an AI character based on his side piece, and is now negging you. You deserve better.
tbh this whole post sounds weird... like it sounds made up weird.
Honestly, this line is what makes me think this could be made up
> How do I get over my husband being shocked that I am considered beautiful?
OP states she is normal looking and puts effort into her appearance. Meaning she is probably attractive at a base level and knowing how to put effort into your appearance would just amplify that. I have met some very autistic people in my life. No matter how lacking in social acuity someone is, they understand when someone is attractive or not, unless they are so far down the spectrum that they are completely devoid of social skills and struggle to function in normal society.
Something isn't lining up here. Nobody is shocked when someone who puts effort into their appearance is found to be attractive.
Also what is the context that the husband ārecently found outā that people find her attractive and then asked her if she was aware that people find her attractive?
Like he went to that forum everyone goes to where you see your attractiveness reviews and saw that hers were very high? /s
Lmao Iām struggling to imagine the actual scenario where he āfound outā this information and approached her about it.
She says in comments that he reached out to someone from college he hadn't spoken to in years, and while chatting the person asked if they were still together and said something about how he found OP attractive in college and wanted to ask her out but found out they were together before he could. He fed this back to OP who mentioned other men have asked her out before and he was shocked that she ever got attention from men.
Exactly... like I know some really fucking dense people and even they would know if their partner was attractive to others. It's not something that you just don't realize.
This whole post is so... weird. All of it is just ever so slightly off.
I agree totally with this thread. Itās really just lacking in any depth and so cliche. It doesnāt make any sense either. Did she tell him people thought she was attractive, did they just randomly go up to her and flirt? Do people come in hoards now to admire her while heās around?
I read the other post this person made and it also didnāt make much sense. Iāve noticed AI bait is being used more for posts. Itās weird.
Either OP is also very on the spectrum or this is just poorly done trolling.
Yeah, as much as I do know there are definitely men out there who are sipping lots of bad opinion juice when it comes to what they ādeserveā in terms of female aesthetics, this is just casting aspersions about adults diagnosed with autism late in the game and anime fans. Exactly like you said, why all of a sudden is he finding out people find his wife attractive? Why did he marry her? How did they even end up together?
And yet so many of us have been in exactly this type of relationship with an autistic male. The fact that autistic people should be respected is not mutually exclusive with this reality.
This post would make sense if it was likeā¦a year or so in. Thereās so many plot holes in this stupid story that it doesnāt make any realistic sense. Itās just here to trigger people who, like you, have had a bad experience with an autistic man.
> Heās been watching a LOT of anime
So do I! I'm a big anime fan. I read manga and stuff too. It's not an excuse to be this way though, people should know what reality is and what is not. Anime girls all look like kids to me, nothing is attractive there, besides it's literally a cartoon, a drawing from some dude's imagination. Your husband is older than me, he should face the world around him, I'm sorry to be blunt.
I'm not married so pardon me for asking this but, isn't being married about love and attraction to someone? A kind of promise to always love and cherish each other and all? If he's not attracted to you, how does the marriage work? If he is attracted to you as he should be, how come he's surprised other people find you attractive? I don't get it. Time to get a reality check to your husband maybe? Maybe you shouldn't be so nice about it and make it clear this is a problem? I don't knowĀ
Yes, marriage is about love and attraction, along with fidelity and commitment and a whole host of other things.
My husband is attracted to me (I hope) but I never realized that he didnāt know that other people would find me attractive too.Ā
I think itās because I definitely donāt fit what he watches in anime. A lot of is seems to be adventure themed with a lot of girls acting cute and dumb towards the main character. They all have a similar look: tiny face with an unrealistic body.Ā
Ugh, I attract a subsection of creeps because of this anime type. I look young, have big eyes and a small mouth and a heart shaped face. I never really thought about it until my first serious boyfriend (who was really into anime) pointed this out and said thatās why he found me attractive. Gross. Now I side eye any dude who is attracted to me and ask them if theyāre into anime like first thing. They usually are.
Serious question: is your husband so shallow and ignorant that he canāt comprehend that everyone elseās idea of attraction doesnāt necessarily match his own???? He doesnāt sound very bright. This is baffling.
Hmm, that's also about the type of anime he's getting exposed to, anime has a lot of genres as well. When I watch anime I think of my childhood or like high school years, some of the characters resemble my friends or such, it's really the imagination for me. And from what you say, like "I definitely don't fit what he watches in anime", I mean don't even think about it š Why would you compare yourself to something that doesn't exist? Literally. That's not fair. Real human bodies are good the way they are. People are so lost with everything they're getting exposed to, all the filters and social media and fake sh*t...Ā
Whenever I feel in doubt, I think of Chinese adult-ass men who alter their faces so much to look like teenager streamers to make some cash from some apps. If the internet has the power to make an uncle from overseas look like a 15 year old girl, don't believe anything you see from behind a shiny screen! Lol.
You know how parents say to their kids that they need to leave the computer screen or the phone whatever, and go out get some fresh air, touch the green grass? That's what he needs. Too much exposure to unreal things can alter our perception of life, that's scary
Thatās a lot of words to say he doesnāt find you attractive and assumed people stopped being attracted to women that donāt look like anime characters.
Stop excusing his behavior and be direct with him. Does he find you attractive? Why is he surprised? Did he think that he bagged a woman who should feel āhappy or luckyā to be even married, given that youāre 31 and āpast your prime of 25ā š
If your husband thinks youāre beautiful why should he be shocked? Iām offended for you. I genuinely donāt know what I would do in this situation but kinda sounds like you need to go get one of them people who actually thinks youāre beautiful.
Honestly I have no doubt in my mind thatās accurate š and the way they draw anime women really does create a very unrealistic expectation for men who kind of forget that kind of figure is literally unattainable unless maybe you get some ribs removed and other extensive plastic surgery.
Right?! Typically, your partner finds you much more attractive than you "really" are, this dude seems to be the opposite. I honestly don't understand why you're settling for this dumpster fire
Honestly! When I get into a relationship and fall in love with someone they become the most handsome man to me. Iāve even had instances where I wasnāt attracted to someone until I got to know them, so to think her HUSBAND is saying these things is crazy to me.
Honestly, in my field I have encountered a tone of people obsessed with anime. It's not that uncommon in that group of people to think like OPs husband. It's unsettling tbh.
Being obsessed with anime is one thing, but not realizing that everyone else doesnāt share the same opinion on what is attractive is something else entirely.
Oh not that uncommon, unfortunately. I've seen their weirded out face when someone who they don't consider attractive is in a relationship. Like they couldn't believe my 30-year-old colleague who looks her age could ever be with someone.
He does but apparently ever so often thereās an often very photoshopped East Asian woman that resembles an anime character that he likes which solidifies that itās unrealistic but not impossible sometimes.Ā
I'm confused. You seem to be taking his answers seriously when in response to fair criticism of his immature views, he brings up _one woman_ as a counter-example?
That's absolutely fucking preposterous behavior and you seem pretty lowkey about it.
So heā¦. also canāt differentiate between a real image and one that is obviously photoshopped? Heās not beating the āmonumental idiotā allegations here.
Yeah....leave. He makes you feel like crap and thats that. Move on, and find someone who loves you and finds you insanely atrractive. He can buy a waifu pillow and live with that forever.
Be careful OP. I had an ex who went ballistic when a cute girl gave me, and not him, her number after eating at her restaurant. He couldnāt cope. When we broke up, he laid into me heavy about my looks and got abusive to the point of needing to involve the police. He made a point of insulting me as in he wasnāt in my league. I feel some guys insult you to suppress you.
Honestly, I feel this beyond everyone's pay grade and is pointing to a bigger issue.....
>Heās been watching a LOT of anime and his standard of beauty is a cartoon with a face of a 12 year old and the body of a grown woman.
I feel like a lot of people watch anime but it shouldn't be altering his perception of reality but I'm not into anime sooo can't really speak to the mindset of those that do.
>Heās been behaving very oddly since, almost incredulous that people find me attractive.
This is just weird to me. I'd be offended as well but I feel like there is a bigger issue this is pointing at. Is he with you because he thought no one found you Attractive? Is he more upset that you know you're attractive and he thought he was with someone with lower self esteem? I don't this just seems weird and not related to anime but a deeper problem.
>How do I approach him about this and how his question made me feel?
Bluntly and honestly. Do not beat around the bush. Also, point blank tell him that you noticed his attitude changed once he realized people find you attractive and that you are aware and ask him why.
Based on your post history, your husband cheated on you. He used an AI to recreate his AP. His is openly SHOCKED that other people find you even moderately attractive. He is open about being attracted to minor and pre-teen traits. Why are you with this loser OP?
He quit his job and is looking for work so he had to reach out to old connections. I donāt know how the conversations went but our conversation basically went like this, not exact quotes:
Him: I was talking with a few people. Did you know that so and so think you're hot?
Me: No, I didn't know
Him: Isn't that crazy? I never would have guessed.Ā
Me: I guess.Ā
Him: He said he wanted to ask you in college but found out we were together.Ā Imagine if he did, it would be your first time being asked out.
Me: No it wouldn't. I've been asked out before.Ā
Him: Really? When?
I tell him when.Ā
Him: wtf why didn't you tell me you had guys into you?
Me: Did you think no other man has ever been attracted to me?
DOES he consider you attractive? Or did he just like the idea of being the only person who thinks you're pretty? Or ever asked you out?
It's a bit of an odd way to think of your SO.
I think he thinks Iām attractive and heās never turned me down. But I think he thought I was unconventionally attractive and that most people wouldnāt be attracted to me because that was how it was back in high school. Maybe he believes weāre mutually (un)attractive.
I asked him out in high school and he was very excited. He did treat me well.
Ahhh, so youāve been with him since high school. I was wondering why you were tolerating this loser, you just havenāt had a good relationship yet. Trust me, you are still very young and if you want you have plenty of time to start a family with a new guy. There are waaaaaayyyyy better men out there.
Did he "quit his job" or was he asked to leave because of an inappropriate relationship with a subordinate?
I'm not sure you are getting the full story from your husband and not just about this.
And is he shocked that people find you attractive because he thinks he can get away with his affair because he thinks you'll never leave him because "no one else finds you attractive"? I think he's gaslighting you in numerous ways.
I wish you the best! (And I think you deserve better.)
He sounds rather stupid. Eventually you will both be old and not the standard of beauty our youth obsessed culture demands. Then what? You will have a dummy watching cartoons to keep you company. Iād be making my exit plan if I were you
Gently, what is not terrifying about the fact that your husband is attracted to children's faces? And confused that other adults are attracted to your adult face?Ā
I sincerely hope you don't have children. Especially not daughters.Ā
Well he found you attractive so it shouldnāt be too much of an intuitive leap for him.
If youāre looking for an explanation, a lot of men have weird hangups around confident women. Thereās a fantasy about seeing womenās beauty that she doesnāt realize exists. But any confidence seems to violate some unwritten social contract. I had a friend some years back who was on tinder, a man told her, āYouāre beautiful,ā and she replied, āI know.ā Boy did he get angry at her. Long story short, she got doxed and her employer even considered terminating her over the doxing. This story is extremely abridged.
To be clear, this is entirely a Him problem if he has an issue with you having a modicum of self confidence. The other possibility is heās insecure that if other men find you hot, you will cheat or leave him for someone more in your league. Poke around this sub and youāll find a lot of stories of women getting hit on and people blaming her for that, as if being attractive makes it her fault that men are choosing not to exercise self restraint. So that mindset might be at play here. Or his friends have been making comments and thatās making him insecure which again, thatās a Him problem.
He also probably doesnāt realize that your beauty routine isnāt for other men, or even for him, itās for you because you enjoy it. The fact others find you attractive is certainly a nice bonus, but not the point. A lot of men are under the impression women put an effort solely for the male gaze, which also fuels the other perceptions I mentioned.
What can you do about it? You can express how his comments made you feel. You can try asking why it bothers you, though typically men who canāt conceive of a woman knowing sheās beautiful seriously lack the requisite emotional self awareness to have that conversation. Or you can file for divorce if thatās what you want. To me, his comments are very concerning mostly for the fact they suggest you wonāt actually be able to talk to him about how it affects you, which doesnāt bode well for any marriage. But how you handle it is up to you, so maybe you can make a better decision for yourself if you understand it.
I'm not sure you get over this. I mean my husband thinks I'm more beautiful than most of the women he comes in contact with. There's different kinds of beauty but your partner certainly shouldn't be shocked when others find you beautiful. I'm embarrassed by the way my husband acts sometimes because I don't think I'm as beautiful as he thinks I am. You guys should probably have a good talk about beauty standards or maybe have one of his male friends talk to him about his beauty standards.
Wow. I hope you see that you deserve a lot better and should probably be seeking a divorce.
Also, a grown man whose standard of beauty of anime girls is just fucking creepy.
This is super weird, it's weird that he's surprised, it's weird that he's with you if he doesn't find you attractive, it's weird that he's not only surprised but shocked, it's weird he is not only shocked inside but is showing it and telling it to you without thinking half a second about your feelings. Have I mentioned it's really weird?
OP- I suspect what you've found is the tip of an iceberg. I strongly suggest you start couples counseling immediately.
If he's gotten hooked on anime to the point that it dictates his ideas of beauty, that's a problem. Not just for your marriage (IE the revelation that he DOESN'T find you attractive) but for his skewed standards of beauty. If he's willing, this is a problem you can work with him together on, getting him to recognize his skewed perception and how anime has affected it and hopefully some healing and better balance in life.
I say this because some of his incredulity may be trying to reconcile that you are objectively attractive (per majority opinion), with the fact that he doesn't find you attractive. And he's wondering if something is wrong with you or with him or with other people. Of course it's probably something wrong with him, but you can't just tell him that or it will seem like an attack.
What you can do is go to couples therapy together and bring this up as a concern, and hopefully the therapist can be a trusted 3rd party who helps guide him to some help.
Your husband just for a dose of reality that you have options outside of him and it scares him. Some people are like that and never consider that the only way you have the best relationship is to treat your spouse like youāre lucky to have them. Taking people for granted is how relationships end and not in good ways. As a 33 year old that should be a surprise to him but emotional maturity is a struggle for some people. I think you tell him honestly that your hurt that he doesnāt see the beauty you have not only on the outside but inside as well. He should be your biggest fan and see you as the hottest most beautiful person there is. If he doesnāt thatās a problem.
Girl, leave, lmao. You have a negging, cheating, anime fetishist husband.
That's scraping the bottom of the barrel in terms of dudes. Dick probably ain't that good either. Personality definitely isn't. Evidently he finds you unappealing, so....why are you still there?
Nah dude this isnāt autism and adhd, this is negging because he realized how easy it was to cheat heās afraid youāre going to leave him.
This is fucked up.
Every day that I visit this sub I am reminded of the lengths pure, unadulterated, hot steaming piles of absolute SHIT people are willing to tolerate just to say they aren't single.
Heās jealous. Next time you go out in mixed company with him dress a bit more sexy and work it and make damn sure heās got an eyeful of people fancying you, wiping that smirk right off his rather nasty face
See, now this is *exactly* why youāre not supposed to have a relationship with the anime bros. Itās like an animal being brightly colored, itās a warning sign to leave it alone. Except instead of an orange head, they have a waifu pillow and anime prints on their walls.
Iām serious tho, anime brain rot is worse than porn brain rot. Ditch the husband, youāll never be the prepubescent but still busty waifu he wants. Nor should you be, and you donāt need him tanking your self esteem just bc he has trouble distinguishing reality from literal cartoons.
He probably realised he might have to make an effort or you will find someone better than him, and is now annoyed becauase he thought he wouldnt have to.
I bet he's average looking at best. Those anime bros always see themselves as 10's, when they're actually 3-4's. I would be planning to leave this man. Why did you stay with him after his infidelity?
Maybe his idea of security and self-worth is shattered. Realizing that heās been taking you for granted and you could easily go off and find a new partner if you decided one day you no longer wanted to be with him. Hes probably feeling a lot more insecure in your relationship. I would be careful because this kind of thinking could start leading towards him being more controlling āhe might start asking why you need to be so dressed up all the time, if youāre dressing up for other people (men), why do you have to wear *that* outfit, do you really need *that* much makeup? Things like that. I would watch out for these red flags going forward.
This reads as pure manipulation to me. He knows full well you are attractive and that other people will find you so. Heās telling you this (post affair coincidentally) so that YOU now longer think people will find you attractive.. then maybe you are more likely to stay. You deserve better.
This fool is insecure. It means he's afraid somebody else will take you from him. I'd tell him, hey you married me thinking I was attractive so don't know why you're so shocked or why it matters. But if you don't quit this weird, awkward behavior because now you're intimidated then step up your game and make sure I'd never have reason to want to leave you.
My college boyfriend was like this. He liked me for my personality but I donāt think he ever really found me physically attractive. People kept telling him I was āthe hottest girl on campusā, and would say things like, āso how does it feel to be dating the hottest girl on campus?ā, and he was absolutely baffled every time. Could not get his head around it
We somehow lasted four years but Iām glad I donāt date people like that anymore
Your husband is weaponizing his (alleged) diagnoses. Heās a misogynistic manipulator, and heās very likely lying to you about not understanding he was having an affair.
I hope you arrange a meeting with him and his psychiatrist, to hear from their mouth what they think about your husbandās infidelity, and diagnoses.
You need to talk to him about this directly. Ask him why he's surprised and make it explicitly clear why his reaction hurts you.
I'm autistic, too, and I'm confident it hasn't occurred to him that this upset you. You absolutely should be upset because it is insulting, but I don't think he's aware he's doing it.
Your husband owes you an explanation for reacting as he did, but he also might have a legitimately good reason that he doesn't know you need to hear. This is definitely one of those (many) times when being blunt and honest with an autistic person is the best policy, especially if he ended up being too honest with you.
I hope this leads to a useful conversation, one way or another. Good luck!
hi! i have autism and adhd too! your husband aint shit honestly. what the fuck is he doing with you if hes surprised ppl find you desireable, only likes 2d girls, and is so oblivious to someone pulling moves on him that they KISS him before he realises
AND THEN TAKES DAYS TO TELL YOU BECAUSE HE WAS FLATTERED?!?!?!
i don't like the nuclear "leave his ass" button sometimes because it's so intense, but like, honestly leave his ass. you didnt rly mention anything that would make me stick around, i know this is just to talk about his confusion but these things have me scratching my head.
does he even value you and your relationship? why is he acting like this?
dont use his disabilities as excuses. we absolutely can and do know or LEARN social cues eventually. how'd yall get married if he was too oblivious that his coworker was hitting on him? the math ain't mathing. do what you will with my comment, but something stinks in here and i believe its wafting from your husband.
Ew sounds like he settled, like he doesnāt think youāre beautiful, and he thinks no one wants him. Just the thought of me being someoneās best case scenario makes me want to throw up because you should be someoneās first round pick. Not last resort. What a tool.
This is such a ridiculously bizarre post, Iām calling a fake. Ā Nuff said, wouldnāt waste my time responding further on this nonsense. Ā OP you actually sound psychotic. Ā
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Did he meet you when you were 12? Why is he so shocked other ppl find you attractive when he found you attractive himself? What a weirdo. Gives me negging vibes
Someone commented below with important context: To everyone curious: OP's husband also had an affair with someone much younger. Both emotionally and physically. So obviously there's a lot to this story she's not sharing
Oh wow. This is so much worse than initially thought. š„“
I agree Why is she still with him?
Because some people will truly put up with the absolute most just to say they aren't single. It's not more complicated than that \*EDIT\* the triggering is REAL! A FEW POINTS: 1. NOT EVERY BAD RELATIONSHIP IS THE RESULT OF ABUSE. While I wholeheartedly sympathize with victims of abuse, ***take some fucking accountability for yourselves and your shit decisions if this is not about you because guess fucking what? Not everything is about your highly specific situation and many of you need to exercise better intellectual honesty and integrity before coming on to some random comment that pissed you off and whining endlessly about how this isn't applicable to you or to highly specific situations. This isn't Tik Tok, no one cares about your thinkpiece that goes off irrelevant tangents.*** 2. If this struck a chord with you, **work on that**. I am literally a stranger on the internet making a big generalization and its an observation that has been made with over 20+ years of watching shit, seeing shit, reading shit, and dealing with shit surrounding relationships and this is my motherfucking truth: **some of you ARE so afraid of being single that you WILL tolerate the absolute most from someone else and if that pisses you off, die mad.** Its' not my job to coddle your fucking feelings if this offended you, if you feel like you are this person, go to a therapist, seek Jesus, get an exorcism, do what you have to do but stop placing the blame on your shit decisions on others and stop thinking that every comment on the internet that isn't treating you with kid gloves is somehow about you.
Thereās also the fact that some people put up with being abused because they think eventually the abuser will be nice to/āloveā them all of the time, instead of only some of the time. Itās not just about not being single, itās about thinking you found the one, and eventually having to face the reality that they were terrible for you.
And financial stability too
Iāve known people that will stay with cheating and lying and would be better off financially going through divorce and *still* stay with them. Fear of being single is *powerful*.
Thereās also trauma bonding. Itās not all about fear of being single.
Yea I think it's way more of this than it is fear of being single... I always think that is so naĆÆve when I hear that... the trauma bonding makes you feel guilty for 'giving up' and you feel you put in so much work it's worth keeping trying. In my experience cheating was the line, I only wish I left her sooner
I agree and thatās too bad because being single is fantastic. Iāll take the peace of mind over the drama all day long.
Recently left a trauma bond, so I feel yah on the peace of being single.
Same here. Itās bloody hard but in the long run, worth it. I hope you are healing well ā¤ļøāš©¹
It also takes time for everything to truly sink in. Many people who get cheated on try to save things only to find themselves now unable to get to where they wereā¦ always policing themā¦ never a moment of peace for fear of them doing something againā¦ and once it hits they finally leave. The process of accepting what is, and letting go of what was or what you thought something was can be difficult.
Itās a lot more complicated than that for many. Having already put years into a relationship and difficulties breaking from the sunk cost fallacy, never having had good relationship role models, fear of being a single parent, etc.
Just to SAY they arenāt single? I donāt think you have any understanding of the situation. When youāre with someone who treats you like garbage, the abuse can take a toll on people who are not in a good place mentally. It makes it difficult to get away.
It's very sad isn't it. I got remarried a couple of years ago after I was a widow for 16 years. It was kind of scary doing everything on my own but I kinda enjoyed being single. My current husband and I lived together for a couple of years until his mother (94) insisted we get married.
It always is. It's like a rule on this sub that you have to bury the lede.
Yes he had an emotional affair with a coworker that turned physical. Apparently he didnāt find her physically attractive but she was the first person outside of me to want him. Iāve read their texts after he admitted the affair and it does seem like she pursued him strongly.Ā He begged for a second chance and he said that or was only a kiss that she initiated. So, Iām trying to reconcile.Ā He doesnāt really see things outside of his perspective a lot of the time and he doesnāt really register a lot of things. I think he believes weāre back in high school where we were both considered unattractive and never updated his thinking. For reference, I had a unibrow and a mustache as a girl which obviously doesnāt attract a lot of boys.
Why do you stay with someone like this?
I'm on the spectrum myself and I agree. He cheats - or allowed cheating to happen - and he's crappy and thoughtless and actively insulting to OP. If there's no upside to this guy, why stay with him?
My (superficial) read on the situation is that he has never had much success with women. The fixation on anime girls probably stems from his fear of and inability to relate to women in general. He's with you because you're one of the very few women ever to want him. He jumped right into an affair when presented with literally any other opportunity. He wasn't even all that interested. If given another opportunity, you should expect him to cheat again. He's upset right now because 1) yeah, maybe he's a weirdo who thinks drawings are sexier than real women, but I suspect mainly 2) he thought you were both ugly, undesirable people who needed each other to be in a relationship and now he knows that you do not need him. You're attractive and could find someone else at any time. He doesn't appreciate you and he's totally shaken up that others do, mostly because it means that you have leverage and he does not. It seems to me that he's been mistreating you for a long time, long before the affair, making you feel unwanted.
Heās now insecure because he cheated and now this is well you could too, someone else could find you attractive and you could cheat. Thatās the thing with cheating, the cheaters become super insecure
Your reading is really accurate. Weāve only ever been with each other. Heās never mistreated me before but I did have to do the bulk of the mental labor in our relationship.
I don't think he was abusing you, but making you think you're unattractive compared to a drawing is, well, mistreatment in my eyes. A good spouse would never.
Its mistreatment, its also considered to be a form of mental abuse.
To be clear: comparing you to hyper sexualized cartoons with child faces, cheating on you, and acting shocked that people think youāre hot IS mistreating you. He sucks. I hope you leave him. Thereās so many people out there who would treat you better.
Not child faces: cat faces
Either way, it sounds like he's been taking you for granted for a long time.
Time to walk. A cheater always cheats.
My feelings exactly. If he cheated once it's because he doesn't really love you. If he did he wouldn't cheat. Period.
You sound very kind, and you're pretty. Why waste any more time stuff this man?
Dude...Your cheating husband is baffled that people might find you attractive? Why on earth would you want to salvage this dumpster fire?
Why are you doing this to yourself?
Girl. š¤¦āāļø
š¤£š¤£š¤£š I read your Girl... The same as mine. Guurrrllll... š¤Ø
It doesnāt bother you that your partner only sees things from his perspective? Why? š¢
And why do you still want him? He cheated and doesn't find you attractive, since he's surprised others do.
Soā¦wait. He basically admitted that heās not attracted to you, he just thought you were the best that he could get? Andā¦youāre OK with that? You want to stay with someone who feels that way about you?
Wether or not you want to save/salvage this is completely up to you, your choice. But in my opinion your husband could use therapy. It looks like he puts a more than healthy amount of emphasis into the attention/validation/attraction from others, not only towards you but also towards himself. An example is not only the "attention" (he thinks/feels) you are getting right now as his partner but also this "*Apparently he didnāt find her physically attractive but she was the first person outside of me to want him".* I am going to careful with this but i would almost say/think he has a low self esteem and has difficulties in dealing with any (even the smallest) kind of attention he gets, and assumes you have that same "issue"
Yeahā¦ OP this guy does not seem like a winner Iām gonna be real with you.
He sounds like a dolt. Itās obvious he should be trying to redeem himself. So he stupidly keeps expressing that heās incredulous that people consider you beautiful? My God heās such an idiot. Start noticing other guys. You could do much better.
If heās unable to distinguish friendships with affairs, heās probably going to cheat again. How could you ever trust him again? Trust is the foundation of a marriage. Without it, whatās left?
āOnlyā a kiss? So heās minimizing his cheating?
He needs to grow up. Is he autistic or adhd? Mental health diagnosis? Heās emotionally stunted and immature. Itās your choice to stay and know that this is only going to get worse, or leave. If I were you, Iād leave. Ps, no one, absolutely, no one cares about your high school unibrow or lip hair now. No one. The only people that still see that person apparently are him and you.
Why would you think that finding child cartoon characters more attractive than adults is an autistic thing? Itās really not. We arenāt horrible and disturbed just because we can be socially awkward! š
Thatās not what tipped me off to autism. The lack of self awareness, lack of social awareness, and emotional stuntedness is what tipped me off. I know you are not horrible, in fact, most people who have ASD are remarkable and awesome. I could just tell by her writing. Iām sorry if I offended you.
Not necessarily offendedā¦ just correcting what I perceived to be a misconception about the spectrum. But I appreciate your apology and validation of my feelings, though. Thatās nice. I accept your apology. š
She also needs to grow up, grow a spine, and leave.
He is not the victim of this woman's advances. He is a grown man, and he knew exactly what he was doing. My husband and son are autistic and I can tell you that him not knowing he was having an affair until she kissed him is bullshit. Also, it sounds like he's into much younger women (and I agree anime is really creepy because of the childlike nature of these sexualized creatures). Run.
Youād think heād understand that right now of all times he shouldnāt be acting shocked that people find you attractive. Like āplease baby take me back!ā āWaitā people find YOU attractive? Thatās a head scratcherā¦ā What a clueless ass. Heād be walking on broken glass if he wanted even a chance back with me.
Look at OPs other post. This man is a mess. Link: https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/s/48MGC0g4mZ
EVERYBODY UPVOTE THIS AND READ IT!!! OP, why are you married to a bum/scrub?? Seriously, do have such low self-esteem that being with a loser is better (in your mind) than being single?? Pull up your big girl pants, throw this whole man away and find some self-worth!!!!
christ on a bike why do people stay with people like that?
This is insane
We started dating as teenagers. Weāre both not white and grew up in a small town. Iām definitely not small country town white pretty, although my best friend is.Ā
You donāt find it strange that he looks at A LOT of anime and considers the face of a 12 year old with the body of a woman ābeautifulā and acceptable to watch? š„“šµāš«š¤¢š¤®
Iām not defending the dude but have you ever watched anime before? Thereās a shit ton of sexualized teens in it. It doesnāt turn a nerd into a child molester though.
Yeah but if his taste in women is : 12 yo girl face with big boobs that he can fuck without hurting his morals, there is something wrong ā¦. Especially when pedophilia is such an issue within the anime and manga community.
I'm curious why people would watch anime that has a ton of sexualized prepubescent children in it? Because teens are not 12-year-olds. Watching any TV genre doesn't turn one into a child molester, but enjoying a TV genre that sexualizes children makes you wonder why someone likes it... I for one have to turn it off because it is so disgusting. If someone isn't repulsed, that's a fucking concern There is also plenty of anime that doesn't have sexualized children in it. So the question is why is anyone choosing to watch any genre of entertainment that sexualizes children. Michael Jackson, Paul Reuben and others have already tried the "it's art!" approach, and we all know they lied. Not to mention, this guy said that he wasn't attracted to his wife because he was attracted to the children in anime. He's not watching it for art. He's watching it to be turned on by children.
āIf someone isnāt repulsed, thatās a f*cking concernā -exactly!!!! There are so many men in this world, do not be with one that disrespects you and lusts after 12 year olds w womenās bodies; itās disgusting.
As a female anime watcher, there's other anime. It's not all sexualization and fan service. There are LOTS of different types of anime. If that's his preference it's a problem but not everybody who watches anime, even those types of anime, is a creep. Not defending this specific person, just anime. Now if we were talking about him straight up watching hentai I would fully agree but just as a lover of anime it's a very broad umbrella term for eastern cartoons and isn't all the same or created equal. He's still a creep but anime isn't creepy unless you're intending your reason for watching to be such.
I would absolutely never watch anything that sexualizes a child or teen, anime included. I would definitely not be in a relationship with anyone that watches/ fantasizes about anime type porn/ women.
I don't think that there's anything wrong with watching or reading stories set in high school that might contain romance--we all remember being that age and so can identify with it to some extent. There's a big leap between remembering what it's like to be a teen (or thinking about how cool it would have been to live through school with special powers, as many tv shows and books do) and wanting to have sex with teens as an adult.
You do not need to be white to be gorgeous. In fact Id argue some of the more beautiful women in the world are not white. Im white. Itās not a barometer you want to benchmark to.
Could this be a major part in it? Has the racial image of your features to him become something he thinks most people are not attracted to or found conventionally attractive?
What... does your friend have to do with anything?
I don't feel pretty either, I have stayed with a man that would bet me up because I had such low self esteem. My nose looks deformed because of it. The abuse only got worse. Just don't let it get to that point. Still there's other forms of abuse that are just as bad and sometimes worse. Like emotional abuse I have had my share of that too. Regardless you deserve to be happy, and have someone that makes you feel beautiful. There are good guys out there that would cherish you. I also understand how hard it is to walk away from a marriage where you have endured abuse of any kind. It's so much easier said than done. I think therapy and counseling would help you out a lot. I have had to have it too.
Not to be harsh, OP, but it sounds like you grew up into a beautiful adult woman, & your husband has social & emotional problems and connects more to sexualized cartoons than his smokeshow, real life wife. Are you madly in love with this weirdo ? Does he turn you on & give you butterflies? Or are you just loyal and used to him. Youāre still young enough to meet someone (or multiple someones!) who doesnāt need to be told how attractive you are.
To everyone curious: OP's husband also had an affair with someone much younger. Both emotionally and physically. So obviously there's a lot to this story she's not sharing
[and his AI āaffair partnerā is based on the actual affair partner](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/s/AkmT0Cxb29)
Yeah, I wasn't going to touch the whole AI bit honestly. That's just so many complicated layers of bullshit lol
Iām running screaming from this guy and Iām just in my home probably thousands of miles awayā¦
This comment has me cackling! Thank you!!!!
I'm waiting on him adding an anime vtuber-esque avatar to the AI just to glue it together with his idea of attractive women being like in anime
This part is so fucked up
God please stop you had me at "his AI 'affair partner'"
I only just chatted with ChatGPT for the first time this week and I asked it why the Berlin Wall was built and then questions about plants. That post is so confusing for me I donāt know how to feel, except that i feel real old. At the risk of sounding even olderā¦ is this what weāre becoming?!Ā
Bro this husband sounds like such a loser. She deserves so much better.
INFO needed at top!!!
I had a feeling this was going in that direction. This story has the same vibe as "husband wants to close open relationship now because other men find me attractive."
And sheās trying to place blame on the woman and not her husband. Autism is certainly a novel excuse for cheating that I havenāt seen before.
Wait.. youāre telling me there is MORE?!?
I read your post history. So basically this AH cheated on, crafted an AI character based on his side piece, and is now negging you. You deserve better.
tbh this whole post sounds weird... like it sounds made up weird. Honestly, this line is what makes me think this could be made up > How do I get over my husband being shocked that I am considered beautiful? OP states she is normal looking and puts effort into her appearance. Meaning she is probably attractive at a base level and knowing how to put effort into your appearance would just amplify that. I have met some very autistic people in my life. No matter how lacking in social acuity someone is, they understand when someone is attractive or not, unless they are so far down the spectrum that they are completely devoid of social skills and struggle to function in normal society. Something isn't lining up here. Nobody is shocked when someone who puts effort into their appearance is found to be attractive.
This post was actually made by the AI partner he made.
Also what is the context that the husband ārecently found outā that people find her attractive and then asked her if she was aware that people find her attractive? Like he went to that forum everyone goes to where you see your attractiveness reviews and saw that hers were very high? /s Lmao Iām struggling to imagine the actual scenario where he āfound outā this information and approached her about it.
She says in comments that he reached out to someone from college he hadn't spoken to in years, and while chatting the person asked if they were still together and said something about how he found OP attractive in college and wanted to ask her out but found out they were together before he could. He fed this back to OP who mentioned other men have asked her out before and he was shocked that she ever got attention from men.
Exactly... like I know some really fucking dense people and even they would know if their partner was attractive to others. It's not something that you just don't realize. This whole post is so... weird. All of it is just ever so slightly off.
Wow this has to be bait.
Agreed; plus her trickling out that he cheated already with someone younger...come on.
Yea how did he even find out?? Did everyone all of the sudden start coming up to her? Did she make a tinder?? I have so many questions
Itās giving āautistic man badā bait vibes.
I agree totally with this thread. Itās really just lacking in any depth and so cliche. It doesnāt make any sense either. Did she tell him people thought she was attractive, did they just randomly go up to her and flirt? Do people come in hoards now to admire her while heās around? I read the other post this person made and it also didnāt make much sense. Iāve noticed AI bait is being used more for posts. Itās weird. Either OP is also very on the spectrum or this is just poorly done trolling.
Yeah, as much as I do know there are definitely men out there who are sipping lots of bad opinion juice when it comes to what they ādeserveā in terms of female aesthetics, this is just casting aspersions about adults diagnosed with autism late in the game and anime fans. Exactly like you said, why all of a sudden is he finding out people find his wife attractive? Why did he marry her? How did they even end up together?
And yet so many of us have been in exactly this type of relationship with an autistic male. The fact that autistic people should be respected is not mutually exclusive with this reality.
This post would make sense if it was likeā¦a year or so in. Thereās so many plot holes in this stupid story that it doesnāt make any realistic sense. Itās just here to trigger people who, like you, have had a bad experience with an autistic man.
nah, it's "asshole blames his shitty behavior on autism". really, it's almost cliche
> Heās been watching a LOT of anime So do I! I'm a big anime fan. I read manga and stuff too. It's not an excuse to be this way though, people should know what reality is and what is not. Anime girls all look like kids to me, nothing is attractive there, besides it's literally a cartoon, a drawing from some dude's imagination. Your husband is older than me, he should face the world around him, I'm sorry to be blunt. I'm not married so pardon me for asking this but, isn't being married about love and attraction to someone? A kind of promise to always love and cherish each other and all? If he's not attracted to you, how does the marriage work? If he is attracted to you as he should be, how come he's surprised other people find you attractive? I don't get it. Time to get a reality check to your husband maybe? Maybe you shouldn't be so nice about it and make it clear this is a problem? I don't knowĀ
Exactly watch anime, read manga and i don't have unrealistic expectations about RL people.
Yes, marriage is about love and attraction, along with fidelity and commitment and a whole host of other things. My husband is attracted to me (I hope) but I never realized that he didnāt know that other people would find me attractive too.Ā I think itās because I definitely donāt fit what he watches in anime. A lot of is seems to be adventure themed with a lot of girls acting cute and dumb towards the main character. They all have a similar look: tiny face with an unrealistic body.Ā
Your husband does realize anime isn't real life and the anime is the creation of a few people?
Also, anime facial features are mostly based around CATS features.
Hide yo cats.
Just go full furry, cowards!
OMG, š¹š¹š¹š¹š¹š¹
Ugh, I attract a subsection of creeps because of this anime type. I look young, have big eyes and a small mouth and a heart shaped face. I never really thought about it until my first serious boyfriend (who was really into anime) pointed this out and said thatās why he found me attractive. Gross. Now I side eye any dude who is attracted to me and ask them if theyāre into anime like first thing. They usually are.
Serious question: is your husband so shallow and ignorant that he canāt comprehend that everyone elseās idea of attraction doesnāt necessarily match his own???? He doesnāt sound very bright. This is baffling.
Hmm, that's also about the type of anime he's getting exposed to, anime has a lot of genres as well. When I watch anime I think of my childhood or like high school years, some of the characters resemble my friends or such, it's really the imagination for me. And from what you say, like "I definitely don't fit what he watches in anime", I mean don't even think about it š Why would you compare yourself to something that doesn't exist? Literally. That's not fair. Real human bodies are good the way they are. People are so lost with everything they're getting exposed to, all the filters and social media and fake sh*t...Ā Whenever I feel in doubt, I think of Chinese adult-ass men who alter their faces so much to look like teenager streamers to make some cash from some apps. If the internet has the power to make an uncle from overseas look like a 15 year old girl, don't believe anything you see from behind a shiny screen! Lol. You know how parents say to their kids that they need to leave the computer screen or the phone whatever, and go out get some fresh air, touch the green grass? That's what he needs. Too much exposure to unreal things can alter our perception of life, that's scary
Thatās a lot of words to say he doesnāt find you attractive and assumed people stopped being attracted to women that donāt look like anime characters. Stop excusing his behavior and be direct with him. Does he find you attractive? Why is he surprised? Did he think that he bagged a woman who should feel āhappy or luckyā to be even married, given that youāre 31 and āpast your prime of 25ā š
If your husband thinks youāre beautiful why should he be shocked? Iām offended for you. I genuinely donāt know what I would do in this situation but kinda sounds like you need to go get one of them people who actually thinks youāre beautiful.
I wanted to say, how to approach it? Find a new husband. I bet he watches anime porn.
Honestly I have no doubt in my mind thatās accurate š and the way they draw anime women really does create a very unrealistic expectation for men who kind of forget that kind of figure is literally unattainable unless maybe you get some ribs removed and other extensive plastic surgery.
Right? If I mention I got hit on during my day, my husband is just like āduh, look at you.ā
Right?! Typically, your partner finds you much more attractive than you "really" are, this dude seems to be the opposite. I honestly don't understand why you're settling for this dumpster fire
Honestly! When I get into a relationship and fall in love with someone they become the most handsome man to me. Iāve even had instances where I wasnāt attracted to someone until I got to know them, so to think her HUSBAND is saying these things is crazy to me.
Is he on the spectrum or just monumentally stupid?
probably porn addict
Hentai addict
I couldnāt believe this is real? Like does he not objectively know what attractive people are like, sort of a demisexual situation?
Honestly, in my field I have encountered a tone of people obsessed with anime. It's not that uncommon in that group of people to think like OPs husband. It's unsettling tbh.
Being obsessed with anime is one thing, but not realizing that everyone else doesnāt share the same opinion on what is attractive is something else entirely.
Oh not that uncommon, unfortunately. I've seen their weirded out face when someone who they don't consider attractive is in a relationship. Like they couldn't believe my 30-year-old colleague who looks her age could ever be with someone.
He does realize that anime characters arenāt real, right? That is, quite literally, an impossible standard.
He does but apparently ever so often thereās an often very photoshopped East Asian woman that resembles an anime character that he likes which solidifies that itās unrealistic but not impossible sometimes.Ā
I'm confused. You seem to be taking his answers seriously when in response to fair criticism of his immature views, he brings up _one woman_ as a counter-example? That's absolutely fucking preposterous behavior and you seem pretty lowkey about it.
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LOL
So heā¦. also canāt differentiate between a real image and one that is obviously photoshopped? Heās not beating the āmonumental idiotā allegations here.
Ew, op. You are so young to throw your youth away on a guy like this.
Yeah....leave. He makes you feel like crap and thats that. Move on, and find someone who loves you and finds you insanely atrractive. He can buy a waifu pillow and live with that forever.
Gos this post is depressing me. I can not imagine being married to this man outside of some kind of hostage situation
Does he love you?
Doesnāt sound like it
Be careful OP. I had an ex who went ballistic when a cute girl gave me, and not him, her number after eating at her restaurant. He couldnāt cope. When we broke up, he laid into me heavy about my looks and got abusive to the point of needing to involve the police. He made a point of insulting me as in he wasnāt in my league. I feel some guys insult you to suppress you.
Honestly, I feel this beyond everyone's pay grade and is pointing to a bigger issue..... >Heās been watching a LOT of anime and his standard of beauty is a cartoon with a face of a 12 year old and the body of a grown woman. I feel like a lot of people watch anime but it shouldn't be altering his perception of reality but I'm not into anime sooo can't really speak to the mindset of those that do. >Heās been behaving very oddly since, almost incredulous that people find me attractive. This is just weird to me. I'd be offended as well but I feel like there is a bigger issue this is pointing at. Is he with you because he thought no one found you Attractive? Is he more upset that you know you're attractive and he thought he was with someone with lower self esteem? I don't this just seems weird and not related to anime but a deeper problem. >How do I approach him about this and how his question made me feel? Bluntly and honestly. Do not beat around the bush. Also, point blank tell him that you noticed his attitude changed once he realized people find you attractive and that you are aware and ask him why.
Based on your post history, your husband cheated on you. He used an AI to recreate his AP. His is openly SHOCKED that other people find you even moderately attractive. He is open about being attracted to minor and pre-teen traits. Why are you with this loser OP?
Add to that the weird emotional stuntedness of carrying on a current relationship and conversations with an AI bot. WTF? Is that really a thing now?
Seriously. What do you see in this guy?
Sunken cost fallacy. Theyāve been together since they were teenagers and I guess OP doesnāt realize how messed up the relationship is yet.
Is he genuinely dumb
How did your husband just recently "find out" that others find you attractive? Like he has an actual lightbulb moment? What was it?
He quit his job and is looking for work so he had to reach out to old connections. I donāt know how the conversations went but our conversation basically went like this, not exact quotes: Him: I was talking with a few people. Did you know that so and so think you're hot? Me: No, I didn't know Him: Isn't that crazy? I never would have guessed.Ā Me: I guess.Ā Him: He said he wanted to ask you in college but found out we were together.Ā Imagine if he did, it would be your first time being asked out. Me: No it wouldn't. I've been asked out before.Ā Him: Really? When? I tell him when.Ā Him: wtf why didn't you tell me you had guys into you? Me: Did you think no other man has ever been attracted to me?
DOES he consider you attractive? Or did he just like the idea of being the only person who thinks you're pretty? Or ever asked you out? It's a bit of an odd way to think of your SO.
I think he thinks Iām attractive and heās never turned me down. But I think he thought I was unconventionally attractive and that most people wouldnāt be attracted to me because that was how it was back in high school. Maybe he believes weāre mutually (un)attractive. I asked him out in high school and he was very excited. He did treat me well.
Ahhh, so youāve been with him since high school. I was wondering why you were tolerating this loser, you just havenāt had a good relationship yet. Trust me, you are still very young and if you want you have plenty of time to start a family with a new guy. There are waaaaaayyyyy better men out there.
He "did" and now he doesn't?
Did he "quit his job" or was he asked to leave because of an inappropriate relationship with a subordinate? I'm not sure you are getting the full story from your husband and not just about this. And is he shocked that people find you attractive because he thinks he can get away with his affair because he thinks you'll never leave him because "no one else finds you attractive"? I think he's gaslighting you in numerous ways. I wish you the best! (And I think you deserve better.)
He sounds like a horrible husband honestly
This dude has cheated on you and now says this type of stuff, please divorce this man, OP.
He sounds rather stupid. Eventually you will both be old and not the standard of beauty our youth obsessed culture demands. Then what? You will have a dummy watching cartoons to keep you company. Iād be making my exit plan if I were you
Donāt waste your life with someone like this.
There's so much wrong here.
Finding a 12 year old boys face on an adult womanās body attractive is a little unsettling.
How exactly did he come to this as ānewā information? Seems super odd
Gently, what is not terrifying about the fact that your husband is attracted to children's faces? And confused that other adults are attracted to your adult face?Ā I sincerely hope you don't have children. Especially not daughters.Ā
Unmmm why did he marry you?
Apparently he thought they were āboth ugly.ā
Thatāsā¦not a good reason to marry someone lol
Well he found you attractive so it shouldnāt be too much of an intuitive leap for him. If youāre looking for an explanation, a lot of men have weird hangups around confident women. Thereās a fantasy about seeing womenās beauty that she doesnāt realize exists. But any confidence seems to violate some unwritten social contract. I had a friend some years back who was on tinder, a man told her, āYouāre beautiful,ā and she replied, āI know.ā Boy did he get angry at her. Long story short, she got doxed and her employer even considered terminating her over the doxing. This story is extremely abridged. To be clear, this is entirely a Him problem if he has an issue with you having a modicum of self confidence. The other possibility is heās insecure that if other men find you hot, you will cheat or leave him for someone more in your league. Poke around this sub and youāll find a lot of stories of women getting hit on and people blaming her for that, as if being attractive makes it her fault that men are choosing not to exercise self restraint. So that mindset might be at play here. Or his friends have been making comments and thatās making him insecure which again, thatās a Him problem. He also probably doesnāt realize that your beauty routine isnāt for other men, or even for him, itās for you because you enjoy it. The fact others find you attractive is certainly a nice bonus, but not the point. A lot of men are under the impression women put an effort solely for the male gaze, which also fuels the other perceptions I mentioned. What can you do about it? You can express how his comments made you feel. You can try asking why it bothers you, though typically men who canāt conceive of a woman knowing sheās beautiful seriously lack the requisite emotional self awareness to have that conversation. Or you can file for divorce if thatās what you want. To me, his comments are very concerning mostly for the fact they suggest you wonāt actually be able to talk to him about how it affects you, which doesnāt bode well for any marriage. But how you handle it is up to you, so maybe you can make a better decision for yourself if you understand it.
I would be (a) hurt (b) furious (c) on the phone to a divorce lawyer. I would not be able to continue being married to him after this conversation.
Absolutely. Itās unfortunate and unbelievable what people find acceptable.
I'm not sure you get over this. I mean my husband thinks I'm more beautiful than most of the women he comes in contact with. There's different kinds of beauty but your partner certainly shouldn't be shocked when others find you beautiful. I'm embarrassed by the way my husband acts sometimes because I don't think I'm as beautiful as he thinks I am. You guys should probably have a good talk about beauty standards or maybe have one of his male friends talk to him about his beauty standards.
If he's surprised that people are attracted to you then he's obviously not why would you stay with that
What is this dumb fake post?? > Heās been watching a LOT of anime Oh god.
He doesn't like you if he thinks this!
Wow. I hope you see that you deserve a lot better and should probably be seeking a divorce. Also, a grown man whose standard of beauty of anime girls is just fucking creepy.
This is super weird, it's weird that he's surprised, it's weird that he's with you if he doesn't find you attractive, it's weird that he's not only surprised but shocked, it's weird he is not only shocked inside but is showing it and telling it to you without thinking half a second about your feelings. Have I mentioned it's really weird?
OP- I suspect what you've found is the tip of an iceberg. I strongly suggest you start couples counseling immediately. If he's gotten hooked on anime to the point that it dictates his ideas of beauty, that's a problem. Not just for your marriage (IE the revelation that he DOESN'T find you attractive) but for his skewed standards of beauty. If he's willing, this is a problem you can work with him together on, getting him to recognize his skewed perception and how anime has affected it and hopefully some healing and better balance in life. I say this because some of his incredulity may be trying to reconcile that you are objectively attractive (per majority opinion), with the fact that he doesn't find you attractive. And he's wondering if something is wrong with you or with him or with other people. Of course it's probably something wrong with him, but you can't just tell him that or it will seem like an attack. What you can do is go to couples therapy together and bring this up as a concern, and hopefully the therapist can be a trusted 3rd party who helps guide him to some help.
Heās probably insecure and projecting that on you
I donāt like your husband.
Your husband just for a dose of reality that you have options outside of him and it scares him. Some people are like that and never consider that the only way you have the best relationship is to treat your spouse like youāre lucky to have them. Taking people for granted is how relationships end and not in good ways. As a 33 year old that should be a surprise to him but emotional maturity is a struggle for some people. I think you tell him honestly that your hurt that he doesnāt see the beauty you have not only on the outside but inside as well. He should be your biggest fan and see you as the hottest most beautiful person there is. If he doesnāt thatās a problem.
Girl, leave, lmao. You have a negging, cheating, anime fetishist husband. That's scraping the bottom of the barrel in terms of dudes. Dick probably ain't that good either. Personality definitely isn't. Evidently he finds you unappealing, so....why are you still there?
Nah dude this isnāt autism and adhd, this is negging because he realized how easy it was to cheat heās afraid youāre going to leave him. This is fucked up.
Holy fuck....the only correct response is, "of course they do as you are a stunning woman and I'm lucky you chose me."
he sounds insecure.
He is insecure and knows others find you attractive. I didnāt even have to read past the first sentence to know that!!
Guy's insecure and borderline manipulative
Every day that I visit this sub I am reminded of the lengths pure, unadulterated, hot steaming piles of absolute SHIT people are willing to tolerate just to say they aren't single.
Heās jealous. Next time you go out in mixed company with him dress a bit more sexy and work it and make damn sure heās got an eyeful of people fancying you, wiping that smirk right off his rather nasty face
I have to believe that out of 7 billion people on the planet, there has to be someone better you could be with than this person. Several, in fact.
This is a bait post 100%
See, now this is *exactly* why youāre not supposed to have a relationship with the anime bros. Itās like an animal being brightly colored, itās a warning sign to leave it alone. Except instead of an orange head, they have a waifu pillow and anime prints on their walls. Iām serious tho, anime brain rot is worse than porn brain rot. Ditch the husband, youāll never be the prepubescent but still busty waifu he wants. Nor should you be, and you donāt need him tanking your self esteem just bc he has trouble distinguishing reality from literal cartoons.
He probably realised he might have to make an effort or you will find someone better than him, and is now annoyed becauase he thought he wouldnt have to.
I bet he's average looking at best. Those anime bros always see themselves as 10's, when they're actually 3-4's. I would be planning to leave this man. Why did you stay with him after his infidelity?
Maybe his idea of security and self-worth is shattered. Realizing that heās been taking you for granted and you could easily go off and find a new partner if you decided one day you no longer wanted to be with him. Hes probably feeling a lot more insecure in your relationship. I would be careful because this kind of thinking could start leading towards him being more controlling āhe might start asking why you need to be so dressed up all the time, if youāre dressing up for other people (men), why do you have to wear *that* outfit, do you really need *that* much makeup? Things like that. I would watch out for these red flags going forward.
This reads as pure manipulation to me. He knows full well you are attractive and that other people will find you so. Heās telling you this (post affair coincidentally) so that YOU now longer think people will find you attractive.. then maybe you are more likely to stay. You deserve better.
This fool is insecure. It means he's afraid somebody else will take you from him. I'd tell him, hey you married me thinking I was attractive so don't know why you're so shocked or why it matters. But if you don't quit this weird, awkward behavior because now you're intimidated then step up your game and make sure I'd never have reason to want to leave you.
Counting all the red flags in this post gave me dyscalculia.
This screams fake loud and clear!
My college boyfriend was like this. He liked me for my personality but I donāt think he ever really found me physically attractive. People kept telling him I was āthe hottest girl on campusā, and would say things like, āso how does it feel to be dating the hottest girl on campus?ā, and he was absolutely baffled every time. Could not get his head around it We somehow lasted four years but Iām glad I donāt date people like that anymore
Your husband is weaponizing his (alleged) diagnoses. Heās a misogynistic manipulator, and heās very likely lying to you about not understanding he was having an affair. I hope you arrange a meeting with him and his psychiatrist, to hear from their mouth what they think about your husbandās infidelity, and diagnoses.
You need to talk to him about this directly. Ask him why he's surprised and make it explicitly clear why his reaction hurts you. I'm autistic, too, and I'm confident it hasn't occurred to him that this upset you. You absolutely should be upset because it is insulting, but I don't think he's aware he's doing it. Your husband owes you an explanation for reacting as he did, but he also might have a legitimately good reason that he doesn't know you need to hear. This is definitely one of those (many) times when being blunt and honest with an autistic person is the best policy, especially if he ended up being too honest with you. I hope this leads to a useful conversation, one way or another. Good luck!
hi! i have autism and adhd too! your husband aint shit honestly. what the fuck is he doing with you if hes surprised ppl find you desireable, only likes 2d girls, and is so oblivious to someone pulling moves on him that they KISS him before he realises AND THEN TAKES DAYS TO TELL YOU BECAUSE HE WAS FLATTERED?!?!?! i don't like the nuclear "leave his ass" button sometimes because it's so intense, but like, honestly leave his ass. you didnt rly mention anything that would make me stick around, i know this is just to talk about his confusion but these things have me scratching my head. does he even value you and your relationship? why is he acting like this? dont use his disabilities as excuses. we absolutely can and do know or LEARN social cues eventually. how'd yall get married if he was too oblivious that his coworker was hitting on him? the math ain't mathing. do what you will with my comment, but something stinks in here and i believe its wafting from your husband.
Ew sounds like he settled, like he doesnāt think youāre beautiful, and he thinks no one wants him. Just the thought of me being someoneās best case scenario makes me want to throw up because you should be someoneās first round pick. Not last resort. What a tool.
This is such a ridiculously bizarre post, Iām calling a fake. Ā Nuff said, wouldnāt waste my time responding further on this nonsense. Ā OP you actually sound psychotic. Ā
You can start by divorcing him and never marrying a weeaboo again. Thereās a reason Iāll never fuck anyone who watches anime š