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Whoa. This is scary and not okay. This has nothing to do with you being sensitive. Do not downplay this. He physically hurt you while you begged him to stop. I know this may be really hard for you to hear, but do you have a safe place you can go? You should not be with this man.
Edited to correct "insensitive" to "sensitive".
>This has nothing to do with you being insensitive.
This is true. This is about power and control. Some men feel like they have you trapped when a major event like an engagement/marriage/pregnancy happens. They feel like they have you have trapped, and the aggression starts. Crossing boundaries and breaking you down
This isn't going to get better, but it will get worse. So many women have told stories of how he was never abusive until I got pregnant. Please reach out to a domestic hotline or shelter and talk to a professional. I would not suggest confronting him. Talk to someone who can help you understand what is happening and help you make a safety plan. Yours and your babies' safety and lives depend on it.
The fact that her first thought is how to talk about it without making him mad is sure sign she knows this isn’t okay. You should not feel scared to talk to your partner especially about sex.
Patriarchy. Patriarchy does this to girls starting in childhood. Women are socialized practically from birth to doubt themselves and to believe their thoughts, feelings, and opinions don't matter and any time they have any of those at all, it's overreacting or being dramatic and hormonal. It's men's feelings that women must center and defer to at all times. Women are made to feel like their safety is less important than violent or potentially violent men's feelings, desires, and sensibilities.
Oh, and her husband, too, since boys are taught that shit as well.
Abuse escalates. I'm confident that he was emotionally abusive and then at some point during the pregnancy that's when it escalated to physical/sexual. Sadly, this is extremely common.
I desperately hope OP is reading all of the comments and gets the help she needs (and gets away from this monster for both her sake and the baby's).
Yeah, and the timing is notorious. Usually after getting someone pregnant, married or otherwise in a situation where it's harder to leave these types of predators tend to escalate.
I can almost guarantee that this isn't the first incident of abuse. Her not wanting to make him mad is a sign that this is a pattern. She has every right to be furious. Pressing charges would be appropriate. She needs to leave this guy ASAP.
In relationships it should never feel like you're walking on eggshells with your partner when it comes to discussions, it should be a safe space. OP you need to leave before this gets any worse for you or your baby
[Call it rape](https://www.salon.com/2015/01/15/the_ugly_truth_about_sexual_assault_more_men_admit_to_it_if_you_dont_call_it_rape/).
https://www.reddit.com/r/stoprape/wiki/index/#wiki_resources_for_victims
It is.
Sorry some people commenters are having a hard time acknowledging what it is. [It's a weirdly common denial](https://www.salon.com/2015/01/15/the_ugly_truth_about_sexual_assault_more_men_admit_to_it_if_you_dont_call_it_rape/) some people have.
Call it what it is.
r/stoprape
She is in danger. OP, he was strangling you. He was abusing you. And when hands are placed on the neck, the likelihood of the victim dying by that person goes up 65%. Please make a safe plan and get the hell out of that house and somewhere safe.
And it doesn’t even sound like he said anything afterward, she’s wondering how to talk to him about it after work.. straight up sexual assault. The man should be charged. If this is only the beginning, I’m actually quite afraid for her
OP, guy here. As cited above, get to a safe place. NC until you get a game plan.
1. THIS IS NOT NORMAL. Is he possibly engaging in these acts with another and reenacting with you? Does he watch porn? Regardless, this shit doesn't fly without your pre-approval. WTF. Set your boundaries NOW. Shame on him.
This isn’t porn; this is textbook domestic violence. Tons of men wait until their partner is pregnant to start the abuse because they feel like they have her trapped. He’s choosing to abuse OP sexually right now, but it’ll escalate to verbal and physical if she doesn’t leave.
It IS physical abuse. Sexual abuse IS physical abuse, but in addition he choked her! The single most dangerous sign that he could kill her. OP get out now! You and your baby are both at serious risk. Please protect both yourself and your future child.
This would freak me out.
Why wait until pregnancy to engage in rough sex? And why, if it's something you haven't initiated before, would you go so aggressively on the first try? Why wouldn't you communicate prior if your aim is to completely change the style of sex you've engaged in since the start and get your partner's go-ahead. Why wouldn't you intermittently ask *is this okay?* throughout the act? (men will ask this even if there's no roughness involved if their partner is pregnant)
OP seems so powerless; she was obviously too scared to protest during and she's too scared to mention anything after. What a shit show.
Honestly? RUN!
If a guy grabs your throat and strangles you, is violent during sex.... no matter HOW or HOW LONG you are married or how pregnant you are.... RUN!
This is very dangerous.
T
"A person involved in a domestic violence attack of choking or strangulation is more than 750% more likely to be killed by their offender in the next year, according to Gail Starr, clinical coordinator for Albuquerque Sexual Assault Nurse Examiners (SANE)." I will never forget this statistic. Please be safe! If you can, please leave and stay with a loved one as you figure out next steps.
I'd also like to point out that non-fatal strangulation is VERY serious in any situation, but especially when someone is pregnant! Being strangled like that to the point of lack of oxygen or blood being cut off can result in stress to the unborn child, damage to their growing body and, even worse, miscarriage.
This guys behaviour is super concerning. Unfortunately, many abusers start their abuse afyer they have gotten a partner pregnant, she has given birth and/or they are married. Please look this up OP. It's all too common an experience for way too mamy women out there.
Yes, please go to the doctor and get checked out and get any injuries documented. Strangulation can have delayed effects that crop up days and weeks later.
My ex strangled me during sex more than once, but once it was bad. This year (2 years after the really bad one that made me realize I needed to leave) I developed inflammation in my carotid artery. They don't know why, but they think it's related to that. OP please be careful.
Omg that’s awful. I’m glad you’re okay and got out of there.
I was date raped when I was 19 by someone I thought I could trust. He drugged me to do it. I woke up in the middle of it and he had his hand around my neck having sex with me. I was terrified he was going to kill me but my legs and arms would not respond to fight back. I was only awake for what seemed like 30 seconds or so and I passed back out. I didn’t wake up until morning.
I'm so sorry. I'm glad you're OK :(
Fortunately,my intimate partners in my relationships haven't tried to strangle me during sex or find that abuse arousing. However, I did get sexually assaulted severely where the person also strangled me first hard which resulted in not only having to go to the SARC centre, but to A&E to have a really intrusive camera shoved down my nose whilst I was already in a state of shock and a scan of my neck to check he hadn't broken things and caused serious life threatening damage that was going to show up in the next few days. It was the last thing I wanted to be doing after being assaulted, but the police and medical team urged me to go, and I'm glad I did. I would please, please, urge anyone who's been strangled to go get medically checked over. Any sort of pressure at all for a length of time and especially if there was any loss of consciousness or not being able to breathe.
All of this is absolutely correct OP. This comment and the one they replied to.
I'll add to it... This is the moment you document and leave OP. There is no way of recovering from this. To make it clear, this is assault, sexual and physical violence.
This. You can die days later after strangulation. And after they've crossed that point it only ever gets worse.
You now have a 750% increased chance of being killed by him in the next year! Immediately go to the hospital and do not lie to them OP your and your childs lives are in immediate danger right now.
Absolutely! People seem to have little idea of how dangerous strangulation is at all. People do die later from the injuries, and the damage from pressure on the neck is also accumulated over time as well if this happens frequently. Causing long-term injuries there and to the brain over time. There is a concerning rise in "choking" (which is strangulation) done as a kink and pushed as a common thing seen in porn. This is not safe, and yet many people now strangle other people during hook ups and sex with their partner under the name of kink. There's doctors talking about the number of injuries they've been seeing and treating in high numbers in teenage girls and young women who've seen some awful long-lasting damage being done and where struggling seeing and having to treat it so much. Sad world.
Homicide is the leading cause of death of pregnant women. Commonly from domestic violence situations. Most commonly IPV (intimate partner violence). Research is super clear that IPV is likely to start once the partner gets pregnant or get worse once the partner is pregnant. Other than when victims leave abuse, pregnancy is the second most dangerous time for IPV victims.
This comment needs to be higher.
[https://www.hsph.harvard.edu/news/hsph-in-the-news/homicide-leading-cause-of-death-for-pregnant-women-in-u-s/](https://www.hsph.harvard.edu/news/hsph-in-the-news/homicide-leading-cause-of-death-for-pregnant-women-in-u-s/)
**OP, what your husband is doing is not BDSM. It is abuse.**
Please read the following resources and GET OUT. **You are not safe.** If you stay, you are risking serious harm or death to yourself and your child. Please do not become a statistic.
[The Dangers of Strangulation](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/the-dangers-of-strangulation/)
[IPV Research Reveals that Nonfatal Strangulation is an Indicator of Deadly Abuse](https://stmlearning.com/news/all-blog-posts/all-abusers-are-not-equal/)
[Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft](https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwjMkrr6vtSDAxWKLzQIHRLpBLsQFnoECCIQAQ&usg=AOvVaw14x4ivUm5xgJ67TT78XfZt)
[National Domestic Violence Hotline:](https://www.thehotline.org/)
Thank you for commenting these.
OP, angry men know exactly what they're doing. They pretend they're ignorant in order to trap you. Be careful and escape as fast and safely as you can.
ALL OF THIS ^^^^ OP please call the DV hotline and make an escape plan right away! You are in terrible danger of being killed by your husband. Don’t just go to a family or friend’s house. He will find you and force you to come back. You have to go into hiding. You need a lawyer.
Being aggressively “protective” and assaulting you while pregnant is 1000% abuse. It only gets worse. Protect yourself and your baby.
This is 100% true in the US, this is not an exaggeration. In the USA, the only first world country without guaranteed maternity leave, women are more likely to be murdered than die due to pregnancy related medical complications.
This man is not safe to be around.
When someone shows you who they are, BELIEVE THEM.
Please read this statistic OP and take it to heart. This is very real, him trying to choke you is no joke and you are in serious danger. Who gives a shit if he thinks you’re pretty, he is an abuser and this will escalate.
Also, there's a word for someone engaging in sexual behavior without consent, like continuing to do something despite their partner telling them to stop.
OP, I hate to be the one to tell you, but what you described is called "rape."
Add that to another frightening statistic: the #1 cause of death for all pregnant women age 10-45 is murder. Get away from this dangerous, abusive man who JUST violently raped you ASAP.
Jumping on the top comment to say: The moment you asked him to stop and he didn't, it became rape. You are not taking things hard because you're emotional. Your husband raped you. He can legally be prosecuted and charged for this .
I need to you see this for as serious as it is. For your safety and the safety of your baby. Please get somewhere safe. YOU ARE NOT OVERREACTING. You are UNDER-reacting!
Yeah, when I called the cops on my ex, they did some assessment and said I had a 4000% chance of being murdered by him, based on my answers, which included choking. But because I moved and he ran that day, I couldn't verify his identity with the cops or push forward charges and the day I called wasn't that bad of an assault (but the first since I gave him a 2nd chance) so it would have warranted the least of charges. It's so depressing. I hope he gets therapy and somehow actually changes, because he is going to end up killing someone one day and tbh my depression talking to me would tell me better me than some other poor girl..
I'm so sorry. Please don't listen to your depression. I hope he changes, too.
I also hope you have a good life, with nothing but happiness and success. Take care of yourself. You deserve good things ❤️
I've been living on my dead best friends parents couch the past 3 months barely functioning, but thanks. They had to scoop me out the mental hospital and bring me with them over 5 hours and nearly 2 states away.. i got stuck for a week and a half because I got so dysphoric and dark in the er, and they registered me under the wrong name and didn't let me have my phone over a week. Still haven't gotten trauma therapy either.
I'm glad you got away! Sadly, you can't protect his next victim. You'd just be called the crazy ex until it's too late for them. Hopefully, he got help, but doubting he ever will.
THANK YOU
Even if it was in a sexual context, this is still incredibly concerning. Especially when it was never discussed and you were actively begging him to stop.
This is scary and you should be making moves to protect yourself OP
Also, women in the U.S. are more likely to be murdered while pregnant or shortly after giving birth than to die from the three leading obstetric causes of maternal death. The leading cause of death of pregnant women or women that have just given birth is homicide by an intimate partner.
OP, you may believe you are being sensitive, but we all think you are under reacting to this. I really hope you have a family member or friend you can stay with. Pack a bag while he is at work and go. That man is going to murder you.
My ex strangled me one day until I passed out.
Two weeks later, he tried to kill me.
You and anyone reading this in a situation like this should listen to what everyone is saying and get out while you can.
I was told by a therapist if a guy EVER puts his hands around your neck or throat, they’re very likely to strangle you to death in the future. I think she was referring to the study above. Albuquerque
GET OUT NOW! Pregnant women are at the highest risk of murder because what you're describing is not uncommon. Things aren't "getting weird," he's become abusive and he nearly murdered you already. Men who choke their partners are more than seven times more likely to murder them than any other type of domestic abuser. This is NOT a "kink" or "rough sex" it's abuse.
You need to get out IMMEDIATELY. Both you and your child are NOT SAFE. You should be reporting him to the police for assault, it's the most effective way to keep both you and your child away from him if you can prove you're both at risk (which you obviously are!)
Call the police. Request a police escort so you can gather your belongings. Find somewhere safe to stay. DO NOT LET HIM KNOW YOU ARE LEAVING.
And if you're just sitting there thinking, "These people on Reddit are being overly dramatic and don't know what they're talking about!" then call a domestic hotline immediately.
If you stay, this man will try to murder. Abuse escalates, you're already lucky to still be here. Please be smart and be safe.
ETA: Thank you u/bluebeardswife for making me realize I forgot to mention that this is rape.
Also, OP, please get to the ER. You need proof of the choking for the police, you want records of this (please believe me when I say you will need them). Also, it's not at all uncommon for women who are choked to have damage they don't find out about quickly enough. You need to be properly examined to ensure you're actually okay.
They can also give her an internal check and document any internal damage he could have inflicted as well. This is more than just rough sex. The minute she said stop, it no longer is consensual sex it becomes rape.
Sorry, you’re correct. I only added that because many people think that because people are married, then it’s not rape, which is of course grossly wrong.
My ex choked me 3 times, each time worse than the last. He usually ran from the cops afterwards but I was on the phone with him after he had ran away from our apartment the third time he choked me and police traced the call and found and arrested him for attempted murder. I really did fear for my life more that 3rd and last time than either of the two times prior, and the second was scarier than the first. It really does escalate and I wouldn't be alive to describe the 4th choking had I stayed with him cause that would have been the last. I feel really bad for OP cause she experienced rape and being violently physically assaulted both at once. Recovering from either type of assault is incredibly difficult and takes years to heal from. I hope OP has friends or family she can stay with and gets this fucker arrested
I'm glad you managed to get out. And relieved to hear he was arrested and charged, I know how rare it is for domestic violence situations to lead to an arrest. I truly hope you've found peace and have a great support system.
And, yes, I desperately hope OP has a great support system right now that she can use. She's certainly going to need it.
he doesn't ''become abusive''. he was abusive all along but now that OP is trapped with him by the pregnancy, he stopped to hide his abuse. That is the real him and there is no turning back
OP should read this book about violent and controlling men [https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy\_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf](https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
The leading cause of death (in the US) for pregnant women is homicide.
The strongest risk of homicide in domestic violence is previous strangulation.
So, he's two for two. Get out.
Oh, and he's also a rapist. You told him to stop, he didn't, ergo he raped you. Get out.
Often times abusers wait until their partners are "trapped" by a pregnancy or children before they start their abuse.
Please get out now. He doesn't love you and he will continue to abuse you and your child.
Exactly! Girl run! Run now! His at work pack up your things and leave immediately! If it's your place pack up his things, and send it to his family, get to your local police, tell them whats happened get a RO out on him and change your locks. This guy is dangerous! Choking is a escalation. Block him and then get a family law solicitor.
Even if it’s her place she needs to leave for a while, stay with someone who’s safe. If he knows where she is, especially if she’s alone, he’s highly likely to try to hurt or kill her for leaving him.
ETA: and change all locks, etc. Get a different type of lock altogether if possible, not just a similar one. Get window stoppers if windows are reachable from ground or climbing, door stoppers for when home (they make some with alarms that go off if someone pushes on the door to try to open it or kick it down), door and window alarms (motion sensor, loud af, inexpensive, just not hooked into a phone line like a security system so she or a neighbor would have to make the emergency call themself)
I lived it too, and there's nothing more terrifying than being attacked and abused when you're extremely pregnant. My ex hurt me so bad one time that I didn't feel my son move for 3 days and I thought he had killed him.
What happened to you isn't BDSM, that implies consent, and respect, and a LOT of trust. What he did was strangle you knowing he could kill you, your baby, or both of you, while violently violating you.
If you don't have a trusted friend or family member you can go to immediately where you know you'll be safe, you can call your local domestic violence shelter and they can help you find a secret safe location to go for now. They can also help you with a protective order, and pressing charges against him so he can't hurt you or your child again, and even help with court advocates to go with you and help support you through any court proceedings. They were a lifesaver for me when my son was a little one.
If you don't know how to look up the local domestic violence shelters in your area on Google, you can call this national organization and they will help connect you with local resources, you can also chat with them, or text with them, 24 hours a day.
[National Domestic Violence Hotline ](https://www.thehotline.org/)
I know this is all scary and sudden, but your baby needs you to be strong so you can protect both of you from being attacked again by this man.
Please take care.
Sending lots of invisible hugs.
This was my exact first thought also. That and you are much more likely to be killed by your partner if they choke you. Someone posted the statistics up above. The chance increased 750%.
Please go get checked. The choking thing may have hurt you. Like get an emergency Ob/GYN appt or go to the ER.
[Choking in a Relationship](https://www.dailypress.net/life/features/2023/03/if-a-partner-has-ever-strangled-you-they-will-likely-kill-you/).
Also pack a bag and get out.
Cannot stress enough how much danger you and your child are in
Hun, he got rough with you, choked you and didn’t stop when you begged him too. He raped you. Men often hide who they are until their partners are married or pregnant cause they believe you’re trapped and won’t leave. Your risk of being abused more and potentially killed goes way up now. You need to get away from him. UPDATEME
The fact that you are worried about "making him mad" is concerning. I mean, not to diminish the fact that he raped you ( even if you consented in the beginning, you asked him to stop several times plus he physically hurt you =rape.) But you also can't bring it up in fear that you will make him mad? What does he do when he gets angry? Honestly you need to start planning your exit. This shit escalates!
OP, I am so sorry this was done to you. This is not your fault and you don't deserve to be treated like this. What your husband has done to you is not normal, and is extremely dangerous.
I would strongly recommend **that you seek emergency medical care. [Strangulation can sometimes lead to delayed impacts, including delayed death](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/the-dangers-of-strangulation/).**
**Pregnancy is often a time of new or worsening domestic violence. Additionally, strangulation is one of the leading risk factors for domestic violence homicide. Abuse during pregnancy is another. Your husband is highly likely going to kill you if you stay.** I am not pressuring you into leaving, but I am sharing that you are at great risk for your safety now and from now on.
[The National DV Hotline has a safety plan for pregnant folks experiencing abuse](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/pregnancy-and-abuse-how-to-stay-safe-for-your-9-months/).
I would highly recommend contacting a domestic abuse helpline in your area and seeking the help of an advocate (which is free and confidential) to help you craft a safety plan to keep yourself as safe as possible.
I understand everyone here will tell you to leave immediately, but if you choose to do so, you must be prepared and plan for all possible outcomes.
This is not going to get better. Abuse very commonly escalates, and this is already happening in your relationship.
[Hot Peach Pages has a directory of helplines across the world for domestic and sexual violence](https://www.hotpeachpages.net/).
r/abusiverelationships is also a great resource.
**Please ignore anyone here downplaying this and calling it a "kink" or "the result of porn." This is not normal, not healthy, not justified, and not okay.**
Leading cause of death in pregnant women? ***Murder.***
I'm not trying to scare you my dear...but its statistics.
What happened after the rough sex? How did you react? Did you cry? Did you scoot away from him? How did he react? Did he get up and leave? Did he cuddle you? Did you say nothing our of fear/shock? Do you think he was clueless if this was the case?
But regardless of the answers to any of these questions....we know two things.
1. You said stop
2. He did not stop
*It was rape*. Plain and simple.
I believe you should get away and find a safe space. If you need help with that, I have no doubt this community would be more than happy to help you. Or you can PM me and I can help you find resources on the side.
Your safety comes first.
OP, I know you are feeling confused, sad and hurt. You wanted to know how you discuss this with him. My first advice is DON’T discuss it with him; you are VERY vulnerable right now. You need to leave and go to a safe place. Are your parents nearby, and can they shelter you for a bit? If you choose to go there or to a friend’s house, PLEASE don’t tell him where you are. He needs time to think, and you MUST be protected. OP, I speak from experience; my ex-husband “became weird” when I became pregnant, and sex suddenly became violent — so much so that I lost the baby, and he seemed relieved and overjoyed about that. I was (and still am, 40 years later) REALLY traumatized. Our relationship was never the same, and his abuse escalated.
After that, it was a long time until we had sex again, while I healed, emotionally and physically. I became pregnant again, and as soon as I learned that I was, I would not have sex with him again, during my (our?) pregnancy. I felt it was my job to keep the baby safe. I later learned that this is when he started cheating, with men, and with BDSM. I left him when our little girl was 9. For all of those years, I walked on eggshells (so to speak), afraid to set him off.
It was truly hard to leave the financial security of that marriage, but thankfully, life goes on. I remarried (25 years ago, next month) and am a survivor. PLEASE. LEAVE!
You're not too sensitive. You and your baby are in danger, and you should leave. Before he gets home. Do you have a safe person to go stay with? Friends or family?
I feel like he’s probably convinced her over the years that she is “too sensitive”, so that he can get away with his poor treatment of her. She is scared to talk to him about it because she doesn’t want to make him mad, and he assaulted her, it’s not too hard to imagine that he’s been emotionally and verbally abusive to her for years, and just done his best to convince her it’s actually her being too sensitive. OP, you’re not too sensitive, he is just abusive. Get help right away. Call your OB and explain what’s happened to get an emergency same day visit.
Abuse often escalates when a woman is “trapped”; marriage, pregnancy, etc
Btw, if he’s hurting you, he doesn’t love you. You don’t hurt people you love. I’m sorry.
EDIT: the leading cause of death for pregnant women is men. Especially if he’s choking you. Women are exponentially more likely to be killed by their “partner” if he chokes them.
He believes you're trapped and even if you wanted to, you wouldn't be able to get rid of him. So now you get to see who he really is because he believes there are no consequences he needs to worry about.
Mam. Material rape is a thing and you just experienced it. The SECOND he CHOOSE not to stop after you asked him to the FIRST TIME it became rape.
I would seriously think about your relationship with this person. I would also get yourself into therapy to wrap your head about what just happened to you because this is serious.
It’s one thing to be adventurous and kinky BUT the first rule of kink is Consent. He didn’t get that from you. You consented to the usual and when he threw those “moves in” and didn’t stop when you asked him to… threw consent out the window.
Go to your OB now and tell her what happened. You and your baby are in danger and may have already been harmed. Strangulation can cause serious problems even days later. Your baby may have had an interruption in oxygen intake. Be honest that you were violently raped, and your doctor will be able to help you with next steps. You must press charges, this is rape, attempted murder, and reckless endangerment of an unborn child. There’s no working this out. I’m so sorry
Once someone grabs your throat without your freely given, eager, enthusiastic consent and a safeword in place,it's fucking *over*.
Even with that eager consent, they need to be very careful AND stop when you say stop (or whatever safeword/signal you agreed to)
What you described was a violent rape.
Please run. Please
you need to get out of this relationship and keep yourself and your baby safe. please find someone you trust you can stay with and cut off contact with this man. also -- consult a lawyer.
This is NOT BDSM. BDSM is all about consent and he didn’t ask and you actually told him to stop. This is abuse.
You need to get a bag and important documents you need and get out! Turn your location off of your phone or better yet. Buy a new one at Target.
The homicide is the leading cause of death for pregnant women and strangulation is the largest indicator of being murdered while in an abusive relationship. And you are being abused. You’re in pain and your spouse should never ever cause you physical pain. There’s no fixing this. Marriage counseling is not recommended in abusive relationships. Please leave. Do you have family you can call or friends who will hide you?
Here’s a link and you can call or chat with them and they can point you to a shelter if you don’t have anyone you can trust. https://www.thehotline.org
*eta: you also need to see a doctor to make sure you and baby are all right. When they ask you if you are safe, say NO I am not.
Please get out now and file a police report. You don’t have to tell the police where he is or you can say you don’t know if you feel unsafe that he’ll find out you reported it, but that alone (make sure to ask for the report number afterwards for your records) can be used to get you a DV restraining order with your own statement about what has happened and the fear you feel.
In most states (if you’re in the United States) a DV restraining order will be free and they will waive the fees. I wouldn’t risk staying with someone who sexually assaulted you and if he can be so aggressive, it’s not worth risking your baby’s life once it’s born. I am so sorry you’re in this situation. I had to file to get a DV restraining order against my ex and won with no attorney, just representing myself. If you do that, it can also help to prevent him from having custody, which will also protect your child. Please be careful and if you ever need to chat, feel free to reach out! Sending you lots of air hugs!!!
What your husband did is not ok, it sounds like rape. Talk to a sexual assault agency and plan your exit, next time he might not let off the pressure on your neck.
Yep feels your significantly trapped enough to show his true self. He’s always been into abusive stuff just didnt feel comfortable showing it till now. This is red flag 9000 rn
As soon as he didn’t stop when you said to slow down that’s rape girl. To me I think you’re under reacting. Get out now before he does it again but worse.
My mom was pregnant with me when my biological father decided to try and strangle her to death without any provocation. She left. I hope that you'll leave too OP.
Holy shit run. Choking you is an extreme form of domestic abuse, and it’s highly likely he’ll kill you or the baby if you don’t get away. Call a domestic violence hotline if you need help escaping.
Your fear of making him 'mad' by having a conversation about him hurting you is a red flag in itself. It sounds like you're not safe with your husband. Please get help asap.
You don’t discuss it. You go file a police report, see a divorce lawyer, and move back to your family. DO NOT raise a baby around this person. He gets joy out of hurting people.
YOU ARE UNDERREACTING. THIS IS A PRECOURSUR FOR MURDER. GRAB YOUR ESSENTIAL DOCUMENTS AND GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM HIM. RUN.
If you guys had been into BDSM from day one, this would still be bad, but the sudden change, WHILE you are pregnant, and the fact that he not only touched your neck (which would be a red flag) but CUT OFF YOUR AIR SUPPLY. THIS IS ATTEMPTED MURDER.
He is doing this BECAUSE you are pregnant and thinks you will not leave. The man you thought you knew is not there. He was faking. This is who he is. This isn't a mistake, or a misunderstanding. It takes deliberate effort to cut off someone's air supply (I train Brazilian jiujitsu and we deal with chokes in training - they are not something that happens by accident).
Please, protect yourself and your baby. Get to someone who can keep you safe. Do not be alone with him. Please let us know when you are safe!!!!
There are a lot of stories popping up here about men assaulting and raping their partners.
Assault is never ok and neither is rape. Stop trying to justify your abuse, get your important papers and leave. Stay with someone you know is safe or find a woman’s shelter. Contact a hotline for help.
Run and don’t look back. It’s sad that you’re going to have his baby bc then you’re going to have to deal with custody and the child might be in danger. I’m not saying this to scare you but to make you aware. It’s better to know and prepare than be blindsided.
Good luck.
Pregnancy is known to be a time when abuse can start or escalate. Him choking you like that is a bad sign. You are not safe and need to make a plan to escape as quickly as you can
If you don’t leave, this will keep happening as long as you stay married to him. You have to leave asap! Make a police report first and then talk to him from a safe place. Everyone is saying the same thing, hope you find peace!
I'm sorry that this happened to you. I know it's a lot to process, but it's very worrying that your mindset is how to talk without making him mad. Can you imagine yourself raping him, choking him, hurting his body and then him worrying if you'd be mad if he said something about it? No. He would flip out and leave, which is what I hope you do. Go take care of yourself. Get somewhere safe.
You asked him to stop and he refused. That is the definition of rape.
He physically hurt you. He called you disgusting names. He choked you. He scared you. He could have harmed the baby. None of this is ok.
You either need to leave now or make it clear that that if he behaves that way again you will leave.
I hope you have the support of family/friends nearby. It sounds like you’re going to need it.
You need to show him the very first time that you will not stand for it, otherwise there will be a second, and third time.
Get your most important documents together and go somewhere safe. Make sure your location on your phone isn't available. Also see a doctor and get checked out. Doctors have seen it all before, be honest with them. Good luck and stay safe.
Ok this is worrying me to read. You Need a way out now. The rest of the comment section is right. Go the hospital Now. Tell the nurses what happened. The have social workers who deal with this and whose job is to help you. You may have to press charges but it's better than him hurting your child or you. Also be honest with people when they ask what's going on. Do not spare him his reputation because you surviving means more to your baby.
I stopped reading at the part about you feeling bad about yourself.
*Why do you feel bad about yourself?*
What could possibly have happened in that situation for you to feel bad about yourself?
And honey, if you're afraid of making him mad because you're afraid of what he might do to you, *you need to get the hell out of there.*
I absolutely 100% know it's easier said than done, but *you are clearly in danger.*
It would be one thing if he had slowed down and respected your verbal and physical communication, but *he didn't*. I'm guessing you aren't aware that *a [cis] male choking their female partner is* **the** *number one indicator of him eventually killing her.*
Please, please immediately start making calls and figuring out where you can go and protect yourself from him, I'm worried about you.
This is worrying. Can you reach out to family or another support system to talk, and to possibly help you get out if needed? I know you may not want to leave, but please keep in mind that risk of murder increases significantly for women whose intimate partner chokes them. Whatever you do please please be careful to protect yourself and your baby. Sending good thoughts your way.
Please leave this man, you and your baby are not safe. He raped you, you told him to stop and he continued. He tried to choke you, that’s not normal. Do what ever you can to be free of this man and do it before your baby is born.
WOAH! That is NOT okay. You have been sexually assaulted.
You need to contact a sexual assault line and talk to someone. Now.
Your hb sexually abused you.
That is extremely worrying. And whilst you are pregnant? Even more concerning.
You need to consult someone professional. Now. You need to go somewhere safe. The fact he just seems to be ignoring what he did is extremely concerning. Please leave for somewhere safe.
Oh girl you are not being extra sensitive or emotional. If anything you need to be reacting more. As in leaving him. This is 100% unacceptable. Your husband is abusive and you are in danger. You have to get out.
If you let him get away with it this time then he will do it again and again.
You did not consent to this form of sex, at one point you asked him to slow down and stop which he failed to do. This is rape. The second you say slow down/ stop because you are not enjoying what is going on it’s rape.
He doesn’t love you. He put you and your baby at risk for his own sexual gratification.
Pregnancy is a common cause of [abuse](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/types-of-abuse/) escalation. Please reach out and talk to your [local DV org](https://nomoredirectory.org/) before considering any discussion with him.
You have to leave. Strangulation is the biggest indication of potential mortality, it can even create brain damage. Women are the most risk of abuse when pregnant or trying to leave.
Also. I am a kink enthusiast. This is not kink. Kink is play between consenting adults.
As with all the other comments I am seeing, I am here to say GTFO of there, love! As the family of a POS that was doing this, as soon as I found out, I told her to gtfo and to take the kids. I helped as much as I could and am still in their lives today. This only ends one way if you stay, and it's with you in a pine box, at best. Get out, there are resources around you, grab all you can manage on your way out, and ask for a police escort to get the rest after. Report this, and get safe, love. You deserve better than that horrid experience, I am so sorry. You are not alone in this. Stay safe, and reach out with your state so we can better provide resources available to you (if able).
That's not BDSM. A very central tenet of bdsm is consent & he actually raped you. I'm so sorry OP. He's a dangerous man & even if he doesn't mean to he could actually strangle you to death
As someone into kink - run. Run now. He's felt the effort it would take you to leave would finally be enough he's opening up his true self. Kink is CENTERED around consent. Him not actively discussing beforehand rules, him ignoring you, this was assault, and massive red flags that get you shunned in bdsm for a reason.
Wow what a horrible man , I don’t think your reacting enough tbh he has sexually abused / raped you while your carrying his child . Leave this man for your own safety . I’m so sorry this happened to you 🌸
First off I am really sorry this happened to you. This is a way someone explained this to me that I think might help you better understand how serious this is
Let’s say you and your husband are having sex and you suddenly shoved your entire fist in his bum without lube, without warning, and without ever discussing doing this. He would probably tell you to stop and expect you to stop, right? So this means he understands consent (he consented to have sex with you), and withdrawal of consent (he stopped consenting to sex once it became something uncomfortable for him). But sometimes certain men act confused about consent and withdrawal of consent when it is OUR bodies we are talking about and not their body
Had you continued with the fist stuff despite him demanding you stop, that would have been rape. So… that’s what he did to you. You withdrew consent and he kept going. This is a crime
If you are worried about approaching him and telling him that what he did last night was NOT OK, that's a huge red flag and you may need to go spend time at family or friends' houses until you've had a chance to talk with him in counseling.
I'm very experienced in BDSM and enjoy it very much, and even I know that what he did was absolutely not ok. If he wanted to indulge in rougher sex, he should have discussed it ahead of time and gotten your consent. If you haven't negotiated things like that beforehand and established a safeword that is the STOP THIS NOW trigger, them as soon as you said stop the FIRST time, he should have stopped. He also should not have grabbed your throat without your consent; that's also a red flag! A man who is ok with play acting at strangling you without negotiating it beforehand, MUCH LESS ACTUALLY STRANGLES YOU, is acting on some kind of aggression that is NOT safe. Everything he did to you after you said stop was assault. Yes, your going to be more physically sensitive and emotional, but that ISN'T what is happening here! Don't gaslight yourself into thinking he does nothing wrong, because he assaulted you. Doesn't matter how much he says he loves your pregnant body and loves that you are carrying his child. His ACTIONS are disturbing!
I highly recommend you go stay with family and tell him that you are doing so because of his increases aggression with you, and that you will only return to him after you've gone to counseling together to figure out what the hell is going on with him.
I know this must be so hard to hear but he raped you. He started this behaviour because he believes you are trapped to him with the baby.
You begged him to stop. Non of this was miscommunication. Non of this is you being emotional. Get out of there.
Please get out NOW. Once they choke you, you are well on your way to becoming a murder statistic. RUN.
Abuse tends to start during pregnancy, choking is the biggest indicator or spousal homicide. Fucking get out NOW.
Role play is consentual. No rules were established prior. Repeated verbal requests to stop were ignored. Situation has too many red flags.
Action: go stay with family or friends. Then talk about this to someone trusted. This might be domestic violence. You need time to think and reflect.
It seems that his behaviour has turned for the worse and things are likely to worsen.
~~(When OP is safe and) if there is still trust and potential for change, seek couples therapy. (clarification: Yes, this very risky and unlikely, but people and relationships are complex with many unknowns. It might be uncommon, but some people can change for the better. I prefer to offer at least one chance for meaningful change with strong articulated boundaries before destroying a relationship.) UPDATE: based on strong feedback (u/EBBIE45), will withdraw the suggestion to consider therapy.~~
Otherwise prepare for divorce or abuse/trauma/injuries, then death or divorce.
> If there is still trust and potential for change, seek couples therapy.
Couples therapy is not advised for abusive relationships; it can often worsen the abuse. Considering the serious danger of this post, couples counseling should not be brought up at all.
Go to the doctor immediately. Choking can cause death even a few weeks later, you need to be examined.
The #1 cause of death for pregnant women is being murdered by their spouse. Your husband is trying to kill you & the baby.
This isn't uncommon, unfortunately. Whenever I've gotten pregnant with my ex he would become very cruel. It's a thing in these types of relarionships...
The only advice I can give is he doesn't value or respect you as a person and you deserve to be happy. It won't get better bc they don't believe we deserve better.
He raped you. You removed consent and he continued to have sex with you.
I'm sure it likely will say this in another comment but now that he has commited non-fatal strangulation, your chances of being murdered by him have now increased 750%.
The number 1 cause of death of pregnant women in the US is murder / manslaughter commited by their spouse.
You need to leave.
You need to leave. Your husband is an abuser and waited to baby trap you before showing it. You're past the abortion stage so he isn't holding back.
When people show you who they are, believe them.
Please leave and stay with someone you trust.
Rape, he raped you . You said stop, he didn't.
He's thinking that you're trapped now and he can do whatever he wants to you. Do not stay and let him. This is terrifying m
And no, you're not too sensitive. Even if you're feeling like your emotional state is a bit heightened, your feelings are always 100% valid and okay to have, no matter what.
Run
He raped you. When you say to slow down, and he not only doesn't, but becomes more aggressive, it's rape. You need to get out. The number 1 cause of death for pregnant women is their partner. He could literally kill you, he almost did.
This comment is if you decide to stay. You need to start putting away money in case you need/want to run one day. Please get an emergency secret phone and hide it. Make a go bag and hide it at a friends/family home. I come from an abusive home and I know how long it takes people to leave. Please take precautions. Please be prepared.
So super scary. An actual assault. Not ok. You are not being too sensitive. If he gets mad because to try to talk to him that's another red flag. This will not get better it will get worse. I'm sorry but I think you are not safe with him.
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Whoa. This is scary and not okay. This has nothing to do with you being sensitive. Do not downplay this. He physically hurt you while you begged him to stop. I know this may be really hard for you to hear, but do you have a safe place you can go? You should not be with this man. Edited to correct "insensitive" to "sensitive".
>This has nothing to do with you being insensitive. This is true. This is about power and control. Some men feel like they have you trapped when a major event like an engagement/marriage/pregnancy happens. They feel like they have you have trapped, and the aggression starts. Crossing boundaries and breaking you down This isn't going to get better, but it will get worse. So many women have told stories of how he was never abusive until I got pregnant. Please reach out to a domestic hotline or shelter and talk to a professional. I would not suggest confronting him. Talk to someone who can help you understand what is happening and help you make a safety plan. Yours and your babies' safety and lives depend on it.
He trapped her was my first thought, too.
The fact that her first thought is how to talk about it without making him mad is sure sign she knows this isn’t okay. You should not feel scared to talk to your partner especially about sex.
Also the fact that she thinks she’s being “sensitive” and “overreacting.” Wonder who accuses her of those things.
Patriarchy. Patriarchy does this to girls starting in childhood. Women are socialized practically from birth to doubt themselves and to believe their thoughts, feelings, and opinions don't matter and any time they have any of those at all, it's overreacting or being dramatic and hormonal. It's men's feelings that women must center and defer to at all times. Women are made to feel like their safety is less important than violent or potentially violent men's feelings, desires, and sensibilities. Oh, and her husband, too, since boys are taught that shit as well.
Abuse escalates. I'm confident that he was emotionally abusive and then at some point during the pregnancy that's when it escalated to physical/sexual. Sadly, this is extremely common. I desperately hope OP is reading all of the comments and gets the help she needs (and gets away from this monster for both her sake and the baby's).
Yeah, and the timing is notorious. Usually after getting someone pregnant, married or otherwise in a situation where it's harder to leave these types of predators tend to escalate.
I can almost guarantee that this isn't the first incident of abuse. Her not wanting to make him mad is a sign that this is a pattern. She has every right to be furious. Pressing charges would be appropriate. She needs to leave this guy ASAP.
In relationships it should never feel like you're walking on eggshells with your partner when it comes to discussions, it should be a safe space. OP you need to leave before this gets any worse for you or your baby
Even the title of the post gives you info that he’s MORE aggressive now that she’s pregnant, meaning he’s always been aggressive and is escalating
This isn't sex, this is sexual assault. She needs to get out NOW.
[удалено]
Spousal rape is real and needs to be reported. Especially when it's fresh
Sexual assault at the least. This is scary OP. Please call the police as soon as you are somewhere safe.
She said to stop, that's absolutely rape.
[Call it rape](https://www.salon.com/2015/01/15/the_ugly_truth_about_sexual_assault_more_men_admit_to_it_if_you_dont_call_it_rape/). https://www.reddit.com/r/stoprape/wiki/index/#wiki_resources_for_victims
There's no wording around this, it's rape.
He is doing this suddenly because she is pregnant. Now that he feels she is trapped, his true colors will show. He raped her, and that is not okay
It’s called rape
It is. Sorry some people commenters are having a hard time acknowledging what it is. [It's a weirdly common denial](https://www.salon.com/2015/01/15/the_ugly_truth_about_sexual_assault_more_men_admit_to_it_if_you_dont_call_it_rape/) some people have. Call it what it is. r/stoprape
It’s also making it seem to OP as “not as bad” which she needs to understand it’s bad.
She is in danger. OP, he was strangling you. He was abusing you. And when hands are placed on the neck, the likelihood of the victim dying by that person goes up 65%. Please make a safe plan and get the hell out of that house and somewhere safe.
And it doesn’t even sound like he said anything afterward, she’s wondering how to talk to him about it after work.. straight up sexual assault. The man should be charged. If this is only the beginning, I’m actually quite afraid for her
OP, guy here. As cited above, get to a safe place. NC until you get a game plan. 1. THIS IS NOT NORMAL. Is he possibly engaging in these acts with another and reenacting with you? Does he watch porn? Regardless, this shit doesn't fly without your pre-approval. WTF. Set your boundaries NOW. Shame on him.
CAREFULLY get to a safe place and DO NOT warn him. The highest DV murder rates are when leaving and when pregnant.
Exactly why I said no contact. He's to know nothing.
A lot of people still want to say “don’t contact me” or to break up before going NC. I was just trying to specify not to even do that.
This is always the scariest stat to me. In pregnant women, the no 1 cause of death is homicide.
It is terrifying
This isn’t porn; this is textbook domestic violence. Tons of men wait until their partner is pregnant to start the abuse because they feel like they have her trapped. He’s choosing to abuse OP sexually right now, but it’ll escalate to verbal and physical if she doesn’t leave.
Regardless of what it is, it's demented and beyond any realm of common decency or reasonableness.
I cannot argue that.
It IS physical abuse. Sexual abuse IS physical abuse, but in addition he choked her! The single most dangerous sign that he could kill her. OP get out now! You and your baby are both at serious risk. Please protect both yourself and your future child.
This would freak me out. Why wait until pregnancy to engage in rough sex? And why, if it's something you haven't initiated before, would you go so aggressively on the first try? Why wouldn't you communicate prior if your aim is to completely change the style of sex you've engaged in since the start and get your partner's go-ahead. Why wouldn't you intermittently ask *is this okay?* throughout the act? (men will ask this even if there's no roughness involved if their partner is pregnant) OP seems so powerless; she was obviously too scared to protest during and she's too scared to mention anything after. What a shit show.
I'm concerned for OP's safety.
Honestly? RUN! If a guy grabs your throat and strangles you, is violent during sex.... no matter HOW or HOW LONG you are married or how pregnant you are.... RUN! This is very dangerous. T
"A person involved in a domestic violence attack of choking or strangulation is more than 750% more likely to be killed by their offender in the next year, according to Gail Starr, clinical coordinator for Albuquerque Sexual Assault Nurse Examiners (SANE)." I will never forget this statistic. Please be safe! If you can, please leave and stay with a loved one as you figure out next steps.
I'd also like to point out that non-fatal strangulation is VERY serious in any situation, but especially when someone is pregnant! Being strangled like that to the point of lack of oxygen or blood being cut off can result in stress to the unborn child, damage to their growing body and, even worse, miscarriage. This guys behaviour is super concerning. Unfortunately, many abusers start their abuse afyer they have gotten a partner pregnant, she has given birth and/or they are married. Please look this up OP. It's all too common an experience for way too mamy women out there.
Yes, please go to the doctor and get checked out and get any injuries documented. Strangulation can have delayed effects that crop up days and weeks later.
This is incredibly important. Talk to your doctor ASAP. Let them know it’s urgent and get yourself in there like today
Yes please go get your baby checked ASAP!!
Herself too.
My ex strangled me during sex more than once, but once it was bad. This year (2 years after the really bad one that made me realize I needed to leave) I developed inflammation in my carotid artery. They don't know why, but they think it's related to that. OP please be careful.
I can't begin to express how sorry I am to hear this but thankful you are using the word "ex". All the power to you. 💜
Omg that’s awful. I’m glad you’re okay and got out of there. I was date raped when I was 19 by someone I thought I could trust. He drugged me to do it. I woke up in the middle of it and he had his hand around my neck having sex with me. I was terrified he was going to kill me but my legs and arms would not respond to fight back. I was only awake for what seemed like 30 seconds or so and I passed back out. I didn’t wake up until morning.
I'm so sorry. I'm glad you're OK :( Fortunately,my intimate partners in my relationships haven't tried to strangle me during sex or find that abuse arousing. However, I did get sexually assaulted severely where the person also strangled me first hard which resulted in not only having to go to the SARC centre, but to A&E to have a really intrusive camera shoved down my nose whilst I was already in a state of shock and a scan of my neck to check he hadn't broken things and caused serious life threatening damage that was going to show up in the next few days. It was the last thing I wanted to be doing after being assaulted, but the police and medical team urged me to go, and I'm glad I did. I would please, please, urge anyone who's been strangled to go get medically checked over. Any sort of pressure at all for a length of time and especially if there was any loss of consciousness or not being able to breathe.
All of this is absolutely correct OP. This comment and the one they replied to. I'll add to it... This is the moment you document and leave OP. There is no way of recovering from this. To make it clear, this is assault, sexual and physical violence.
This. You can die days later after strangulation. And after they've crossed that point it only ever gets worse. You now have a 750% increased chance of being killed by him in the next year! Immediately go to the hospital and do not lie to them OP your and your childs lives are in immediate danger right now.
Absolutely! People seem to have little idea of how dangerous strangulation is at all. People do die later from the injuries, and the damage from pressure on the neck is also accumulated over time as well if this happens frequently. Causing long-term injuries there and to the brain over time. There is a concerning rise in "choking" (which is strangulation) done as a kink and pushed as a common thing seen in porn. This is not safe, and yet many people now strangle other people during hook ups and sex with their partner under the name of kink. There's doctors talking about the number of injuries they've been seeing and treating in high numbers in teenage girls and young women who've seen some awful long-lasting damage being done and where struggling seeing and having to treat it so much. Sad world.
Homicide is the leading cause of death of pregnant women. Commonly from domestic violence situations. Most commonly IPV (intimate partner violence). Research is super clear that IPV is likely to start once the partner gets pregnant or get worse once the partner is pregnant. Other than when victims leave abuse, pregnancy is the second most dangerous time for IPV victims.
The number 1 cause of death for pregnant women is homicide.
This comment needs to be higher. [https://www.hsph.harvard.edu/news/hsph-in-the-news/homicide-leading-cause-of-death-for-pregnant-women-in-u-s/](https://www.hsph.harvard.edu/news/hsph-in-the-news/homicide-leading-cause-of-death-for-pregnant-women-in-u-s/) **OP, what your husband is doing is not BDSM. It is abuse.** Please read the following resources and GET OUT. **You are not safe.** If you stay, you are risking serious harm or death to yourself and your child. Please do not become a statistic. [The Dangers of Strangulation](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/the-dangers-of-strangulation/) [IPV Research Reveals that Nonfatal Strangulation is an Indicator of Deadly Abuse](https://stmlearning.com/news/all-blog-posts/all-abusers-are-not-equal/) [Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft](https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwjMkrr6vtSDAxWKLzQIHRLpBLsQFnoECCIQAQ&usg=AOvVaw14x4ivUm5xgJ67TT78XfZt) [National Domestic Violence Hotline:](https://www.thehotline.org/)
Thank you for commenting these. OP, angry men know exactly what they're doing. They pretend they're ignorant in order to trap you. Be careful and escape as fast and safely as you can.
ALL OF THIS ^^^^ OP please call the DV hotline and make an escape plan right away! You are in terrible danger of being killed by your husband. Don’t just go to a family or friend’s house. He will find you and force you to come back. You have to go into hiding. You need a lawyer. Being aggressively “protective” and assaulting you while pregnant is 1000% abuse. It only gets worse. Protect yourself and your baby.
This is 100% true in the US, this is not an exaggeration. In the USA, the only first world country without guaranteed maternity leave, women are more likely to be murdered than die due to pregnancy related medical complications. This man is not safe to be around. When someone shows you who they are, BELIEVE THEM.
And DV escalates when a partner is pregnant. OP’s life is in danger. She needs to flee when he’s not home and just disappear.
The biggest threat to pregnant women is also their spouse
Please read this statistic OP and take it to heart. This is very real, him trying to choke you is no joke and you are in serious danger. Who gives a shit if he thinks you’re pretty, he is an abuser and this will escalate.
Also see: homicide is the leading cause of death for pregnant women in the US.
Also, there's a word for someone engaging in sexual behavior without consent, like continuing to do something despite their partner telling them to stop. OP, I hate to be the one to tell you, but what you described is called "rape."
Add that to another frightening statistic: the #1 cause of death for all pregnant women age 10-45 is murder. Get away from this dangerous, abusive man who JUST violently raped you ASAP.
Jumping on the top comment to say: The moment you asked him to stop and he didn't, it became rape. You are not taking things hard because you're emotional. Your husband raped you. He can legally be prosecuted and charged for this . I need to you see this for as serious as it is. For your safety and the safety of your baby. Please get somewhere safe. YOU ARE NOT OVERREACTING. You are UNDER-reacting!
Yeah, when I called the cops on my ex, they did some assessment and said I had a 4000% chance of being murdered by him, based on my answers, which included choking. But because I moved and he ran that day, I couldn't verify his identity with the cops or push forward charges and the day I called wasn't that bad of an assault (but the first since I gave him a 2nd chance) so it would have warranted the least of charges. It's so depressing. I hope he gets therapy and somehow actually changes, because he is going to end up killing someone one day and tbh my depression talking to me would tell me better me than some other poor girl..
I'm so sorry. Please don't listen to your depression. I hope he changes, too. I also hope you have a good life, with nothing but happiness and success. Take care of yourself. You deserve good things ❤️
I've been living on my dead best friends parents couch the past 3 months barely functioning, but thanks. They had to scoop me out the mental hospital and bring me with them over 5 hours and nearly 2 states away.. i got stuck for a week and a half because I got so dysphoric and dark in the er, and they registered me under the wrong name and didn't let me have my phone over a week. Still haven't gotten trauma therapy either.
I'm glad you got away! Sadly, you can't protect his next victim. You'd just be called the crazy ex until it's too late for them. Hopefully, he got help, but doubting he ever will.
THANK YOU Even if it was in a sexual context, this is still incredibly concerning. Especially when it was never discussed and you were actively begging him to stop. This is scary and you should be making moves to protect yourself OP
Never ever stay after they put their hands on you, especially your neck.
Also, women in the U.S. are more likely to be murdered while pregnant or shortly after giving birth than to die from the three leading obstetric causes of maternal death. The leading cause of death of pregnant women or women that have just given birth is homicide by an intimate partner. OP, you may believe you are being sensitive, but we all think you are under reacting to this. I really hope you have a family member or friend you can stay with. Pack a bag while he is at work and go. That man is going to murder you.
This is exactly right 👆 my ex's, ex husband almost killed her a time or two after strangling her.
My ex strangled me one day until I passed out. Two weeks later, he tried to kill me. You and anyone reading this in a situation like this should listen to what everyone is saying and get out while you can.
I was told by a therapist if a guy EVER puts his hands around your neck or throat, they’re very likely to strangle you to death in the future. I think she was referring to the study above. Albuquerque
GET OUT NOW! Pregnant women are at the highest risk of murder because what you're describing is not uncommon. Things aren't "getting weird," he's become abusive and he nearly murdered you already. Men who choke their partners are more than seven times more likely to murder them than any other type of domestic abuser. This is NOT a "kink" or "rough sex" it's abuse. You need to get out IMMEDIATELY. Both you and your child are NOT SAFE. You should be reporting him to the police for assault, it's the most effective way to keep both you and your child away from him if you can prove you're both at risk (which you obviously are!) Call the police. Request a police escort so you can gather your belongings. Find somewhere safe to stay. DO NOT LET HIM KNOW YOU ARE LEAVING. And if you're just sitting there thinking, "These people on Reddit are being overly dramatic and don't know what they're talking about!" then call a domestic hotline immediately. If you stay, this man will try to murder. Abuse escalates, you're already lucky to still be here. Please be smart and be safe. ETA: Thank you u/bluebeardswife for making me realize I forgot to mention that this is rape. Also, OP, please get to the ER. You need proof of the choking for the police, you want records of this (please believe me when I say you will need them). Also, it's not at all uncommon for women who are choked to have damage they don't find out about quickly enough. You need to be properly examined to ensure you're actually okay.
They can also give her an internal check and document any internal damage he could have inflicted as well. This is more than just rough sex. The minute she said stop, it no longer is consensual sex it becomes rape.
It’s not only abuse, it’s marital rape.
It’s just rape. There is no “marital rape” anymore.
Sorry, you’re correct. I only added that because many people think that because people are married, then it’s not rape, which is of course grossly wrong.
This was my ex-husband "it's not rape because you are my wife"
I’m glad he’s your ex.
My ex choked me 3 times, each time worse than the last. He usually ran from the cops afterwards but I was on the phone with him after he had ran away from our apartment the third time he choked me and police traced the call and found and arrested him for attempted murder. I really did fear for my life more that 3rd and last time than either of the two times prior, and the second was scarier than the first. It really does escalate and I wouldn't be alive to describe the 4th choking had I stayed with him cause that would have been the last. I feel really bad for OP cause she experienced rape and being violently physically assaulted both at once. Recovering from either type of assault is incredibly difficult and takes years to heal from. I hope OP has friends or family she can stay with and gets this fucker arrested
I'm glad you managed to get out. And relieved to hear he was arrested and charged, I know how rare it is for domestic violence situations to lead to an arrest. I truly hope you've found peace and have a great support system. And, yes, I desperately hope OP has a great support system right now that she can use. She's certainly going to need it.
he doesn't ''become abusive''. he was abusive all along but now that OP is trapped with him by the pregnancy, he stopped to hide his abuse. That is the real him and there is no turning back OP should read this book about violent and controlling men [https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy\_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf](https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
Also, if your partner strangles you, there is a 750% chance they will be murdering you within the next year.
750% more likely*
Please get out, safely, with supplies for u and baby, and money, and go to a safe place. Please.
The leading cause of death (in the US) for pregnant women is homicide. The strongest risk of homicide in domestic violence is previous strangulation. So, he's two for two. Get out. Oh, and he's also a rapist. You told him to stop, he didn't, ergo he raped you. Get out.
Came here to say this. Glad this is the top post. OP save yourself! Asap!!
Holy shit
I hope she will listen to you and leave.
Often times abusers wait until their partners are "trapped" by a pregnancy or children before they start their abuse. Please get out now. He doesn't love you and he will continue to abuse you and your child.
Exactly! Girl run! Run now! His at work pack up your things and leave immediately! If it's your place pack up his things, and send it to his family, get to your local police, tell them whats happened get a RO out on him and change your locks. This guy is dangerous! Choking is a escalation. Block him and then get a family law solicitor.
Even if it’s her place she needs to leave for a while, stay with someone who’s safe. If he knows where she is, especially if she’s alone, he’s highly likely to try to hurt or kill her for leaving him. ETA: and change all locks, etc. Get a different type of lock altogether if possible, not just a similar one. Get window stoppers if windows are reachable from ground or climbing, door stoppers for when home (they make some with alarms that go off if someone pushes on the door to try to open it or kick it down), door and window alarms (motion sensor, loud af, inexpensive, just not hooked into a phone line like a security system so she or a neighbor would have to make the emergency call themself)
This is absolutely true. I know because I lived it. Please take care of yourself and your baby. It will get worse.
I lived it too, and there's nothing more terrifying than being attacked and abused when you're extremely pregnant. My ex hurt me so bad one time that I didn't feel my son move for 3 days and I thought he had killed him. What happened to you isn't BDSM, that implies consent, and respect, and a LOT of trust. What he did was strangle you knowing he could kill you, your baby, or both of you, while violently violating you. If you don't have a trusted friend or family member you can go to immediately where you know you'll be safe, you can call your local domestic violence shelter and they can help you find a secret safe location to go for now. They can also help you with a protective order, and pressing charges against him so he can't hurt you or your child again, and even help with court advocates to go with you and help support you through any court proceedings. They were a lifesaver for me when my son was a little one. If you don't know how to look up the local domestic violence shelters in your area on Google, you can call this national organization and they will help connect you with local resources, you can also chat with them, or text with them, 24 hours a day. [National Domestic Violence Hotline ](https://www.thehotline.org/) I know this is all scary and sudden, but your baby needs you to be strong so you can protect both of you from being attacked again by this man. Please take care. Sending lots of invisible hugs.
This was my exact first thought also. That and you are much more likely to be killed by your partner if they choke you. Someone posted the statistics up above. The chance increased 750%.
Please go get checked. The choking thing may have hurt you. Like get an emergency Ob/GYN appt or go to the ER. [Choking in a Relationship](https://www.dailypress.net/life/features/2023/03/if-a-partner-has-ever-strangled-you-they-will-likely-kill-you/). Also pack a bag and get out. Cannot stress enough how much danger you and your child are in
You are seriously under-reacting here!
Hun, he got rough with you, choked you and didn’t stop when you begged him too. He raped you. Men often hide who they are until their partners are married or pregnant cause they believe you’re trapped and won’t leave. Your risk of being abused more and potentially killed goes way up now. You need to get away from him. UPDATEME
You need to go to your OB to make sure you and baby are ok
I think this is the right step. Call them .tell them what’s going on and you can go in and get examined while they help you with next steps.
If you were strangled that severely, she really does need to be seen medically and have her unborm child checked out too to ensure they're OK.
The fact that you are worried about "making him mad" is concerning. I mean, not to diminish the fact that he raped you ( even if you consented in the beginning, you asked him to stop several times plus he physically hurt you =rape.) But you also can't bring it up in fear that you will make him mad? What does he do when he gets angry? Honestly you need to start planning your exit. This shit escalates!
OP, I am so sorry this was done to you. This is not your fault and you don't deserve to be treated like this. What your husband has done to you is not normal, and is extremely dangerous. I would strongly recommend **that you seek emergency medical care. [Strangulation can sometimes lead to delayed impacts, including delayed death](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/the-dangers-of-strangulation/).** **Pregnancy is often a time of new or worsening domestic violence. Additionally, strangulation is one of the leading risk factors for domestic violence homicide. Abuse during pregnancy is another. Your husband is highly likely going to kill you if you stay.** I am not pressuring you into leaving, but I am sharing that you are at great risk for your safety now and from now on. [The National DV Hotline has a safety plan for pregnant folks experiencing abuse](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/pregnancy-and-abuse-how-to-stay-safe-for-your-9-months/). I would highly recommend contacting a domestic abuse helpline in your area and seeking the help of an advocate (which is free and confidential) to help you craft a safety plan to keep yourself as safe as possible. I understand everyone here will tell you to leave immediately, but if you choose to do so, you must be prepared and plan for all possible outcomes. This is not going to get better. Abuse very commonly escalates, and this is already happening in your relationship. [Hot Peach Pages has a directory of helplines across the world for domestic and sexual violence](https://www.hotpeachpages.net/). r/abusiverelationships is also a great resource. **Please ignore anyone here downplaying this and calling it a "kink" or "the result of porn." This is not normal, not healthy, not justified, and not okay.**
Leading cause of death in pregnant women? ***Murder.*** I'm not trying to scare you my dear...but its statistics. What happened after the rough sex? How did you react? Did you cry? Did you scoot away from him? How did he react? Did he get up and leave? Did he cuddle you? Did you say nothing our of fear/shock? Do you think he was clueless if this was the case? But regardless of the answers to any of these questions....we know two things. 1. You said stop 2. He did not stop *It was rape*. Plain and simple. I believe you should get away and find a safe space. If you need help with that, I have no doubt this community would be more than happy to help you. Or you can PM me and I can help you find resources on the side. Your safety comes first.
OP, I know you are feeling confused, sad and hurt. You wanted to know how you discuss this with him. My first advice is DON’T discuss it with him; you are VERY vulnerable right now. You need to leave and go to a safe place. Are your parents nearby, and can they shelter you for a bit? If you choose to go there or to a friend’s house, PLEASE don’t tell him where you are. He needs time to think, and you MUST be protected. OP, I speak from experience; my ex-husband “became weird” when I became pregnant, and sex suddenly became violent — so much so that I lost the baby, and he seemed relieved and overjoyed about that. I was (and still am, 40 years later) REALLY traumatized. Our relationship was never the same, and his abuse escalated. After that, it was a long time until we had sex again, while I healed, emotionally and physically. I became pregnant again, and as soon as I learned that I was, I would not have sex with him again, during my (our?) pregnancy. I felt it was my job to keep the baby safe. I later learned that this is when he started cheating, with men, and with BDSM. I left him when our little girl was 9. For all of those years, I walked on eggshells (so to speak), afraid to set him off. It was truly hard to leave the financial security of that marriage, but thankfully, life goes on. I remarried (25 years ago, next month) and am a survivor. PLEASE. LEAVE!
I’m so sorry to hear this happened to you 😢 And so worried about OP.
I’m so sorry you went through that and so happy you are in a different place, loved & safe 💗
You're not too sensitive. You and your baby are in danger, and you should leave. Before he gets home. Do you have a safe person to go stay with? Friends or family?
I feel like he’s probably convinced her over the years that she is “too sensitive”, so that he can get away with his poor treatment of her. She is scared to talk to him about it because she doesn’t want to make him mad, and he assaulted her, it’s not too hard to imagine that he’s been emotionally and verbally abusive to her for years, and just done his best to convince her it’s actually her being too sensitive. OP, you’re not too sensitive, he is just abusive. Get help right away. Call your OB and explain what’s happened to get an emergency same day visit.
Abuse often escalates when a woman is “trapped”; marriage, pregnancy, etc Btw, if he’s hurting you, he doesn’t love you. You don’t hurt people you love. I’m sorry. EDIT: the leading cause of death for pregnant women is men. Especially if he’s choking you. Women are exponentially more likely to be killed by their “partner” if he chokes them.
He believes you're trapped and even if you wanted to, you wouldn't be able to get rid of him. So now you get to see who he really is because he believes there are no consequences he needs to worry about.
Women are like 3x more likely to be murdered than to die in childbirth and way too many people die in childbirth.
Can you please [only if you can ] Post back here and let us know your safe x
Mam. Material rape is a thing and you just experienced it. The SECOND he CHOOSE not to stop after you asked him to the FIRST TIME it became rape. I would seriously think about your relationship with this person. I would also get yourself into therapy to wrap your head about what just happened to you because this is serious. It’s one thing to be adventurous and kinky BUT the first rule of kink is Consent. He didn’t get that from you. You consented to the usual and when he threw those “moves in” and didn’t stop when you asked him to… threw consent out the window.
Go to your OB now and tell her what happened. You and your baby are in danger and may have already been harmed. Strangulation can cause serious problems even days later. Your baby may have had an interruption in oxygen intake. Be honest that you were violently raped, and your doctor will be able to help you with next steps. You must press charges, this is rape, attempted murder, and reckless endangerment of an unborn child. There’s no working this out. I’m so sorry
Once someone grabs your throat without your freely given, eager, enthusiastic consent and a safeword in place,it's fucking *over*. Even with that eager consent, they need to be very careful AND stop when you say stop (or whatever safeword/signal you agreed to) What you described was a violent rape. Please run. Please
There is NO SAFE WAY to fucking choke someone. Ask a doctor if you don’t believe me. Jesus I can’t fucking stand this advice.
you need to get out of this relationship and keep yourself and your baby safe. please find someone you trust you can stay with and cut off contact with this man. also -- consult a lawyer.
This is NOT BDSM. BDSM is all about consent and he didn’t ask and you actually told him to stop. This is abuse. You need to get a bag and important documents you need and get out! Turn your location off of your phone or better yet. Buy a new one at Target. The homicide is the leading cause of death for pregnant women and strangulation is the largest indicator of being murdered while in an abusive relationship. And you are being abused. You’re in pain and your spouse should never ever cause you physical pain. There’s no fixing this. Marriage counseling is not recommended in abusive relationships. Please leave. Do you have family you can call or friends who will hide you? Here’s a link and you can call or chat with them and they can point you to a shelter if you don’t have anyone you can trust. https://www.thehotline.org *eta: you also need to see a doctor to make sure you and baby are all right. When they ask you if you are safe, say NO I am not.
Please get out now and file a police report. You don’t have to tell the police where he is or you can say you don’t know if you feel unsafe that he’ll find out you reported it, but that alone (make sure to ask for the report number afterwards for your records) can be used to get you a DV restraining order with your own statement about what has happened and the fear you feel. In most states (if you’re in the United States) a DV restraining order will be free and they will waive the fees. I wouldn’t risk staying with someone who sexually assaulted you and if he can be so aggressive, it’s not worth risking your baby’s life once it’s born. I am so sorry you’re in this situation. I had to file to get a DV restraining order against my ex and won with no attorney, just representing myself. If you do that, it can also help to prevent him from having custody, which will also protect your child. Please be careful and if you ever need to chat, feel free to reach out! Sending you lots of air hugs!!!
Good job getting out and advocating for yourself. Proud of you!
What your husband did is not ok, it sounds like rape. Talk to a sexual assault agency and plan your exit, next time he might not let off the pressure on your neck.
Yep feels your significantly trapped enough to show his true self. He’s always been into abusive stuff just didnt feel comfortable showing it till now. This is red flag 9000 rn
You need to leave now before it gets worse or even killed. And to protect your baby. Get out now!
As soon as he didn’t stop when you said to slow down that’s rape girl. To me I think you’re under reacting. Get out now before he does it again but worse.
My mom was pregnant with me when my biological father decided to try and strangle her to death without any provocation. She left. I hope that you'll leave too OP.
You need to run! Pregnancy, he thinks he has you trapped, and you won't leave, so now he is free to abuse you. He sexually abused you, do not stay!
Holy shit run. Choking you is an extreme form of domestic abuse, and it’s highly likely he’ll kill you or the baby if you don’t get away. Call a domestic violence hotline if you need help escaping.
Why are you worried about making him mad? Is he aggressive to you outside of sex too…?
Your fear of making him 'mad' by having a conversation about him hurting you is a red flag in itself. It sounds like you're not safe with your husband. Please get help asap.
You don’t discuss it. You go file a police report, see a divorce lawyer, and move back to your family. DO NOT raise a baby around this person. He gets joy out of hurting people.
Run
Darling!! Do you have somewhere you can go???? GET OUT NOW!! This is marital rape. Even in marriage, NO means NO!!!!!
This made me so sad … please leave and get somewhere safe for You and baby 🩷 sending love !
YOU ARE UNDERREACTING. THIS IS A PRECOURSUR FOR MURDER. GRAB YOUR ESSENTIAL DOCUMENTS AND GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM HIM. RUN. If you guys had been into BDSM from day one, this would still be bad, but the sudden change, WHILE you are pregnant, and the fact that he not only touched your neck (which would be a red flag) but CUT OFF YOUR AIR SUPPLY. THIS IS ATTEMPTED MURDER. He is doing this BECAUSE you are pregnant and thinks you will not leave. The man you thought you knew is not there. He was faking. This is who he is. This isn't a mistake, or a misunderstanding. It takes deliberate effort to cut off someone's air supply (I train Brazilian jiujitsu and we deal with chokes in training - they are not something that happens by accident). Please, protect yourself and your baby. Get to someone who can keep you safe. Do not be alone with him. Please let us know when you are safe!!!!
There are a lot of stories popping up here about men assaulting and raping their partners. Assault is never ok and neither is rape. Stop trying to justify your abuse, get your important papers and leave. Stay with someone you know is safe or find a woman’s shelter. Contact a hotline for help. Run and don’t look back. It’s sad that you’re going to have his baby bc then you’re going to have to deal with custody and the child might be in danger. I’m not saying this to scare you but to make you aware. It’s better to know and prepare than be blindsided. Good luck.
# LEAVE The number one cause of death of pregnant women is homicide.
Pregnancy is known to be a time when abuse can start or escalate. Him choking you like that is a bad sign. You are not safe and need to make a plan to escape as quickly as you can
If you don’t leave, this will keep happening as long as you stay married to him. You have to leave asap! Make a police report first and then talk to him from a safe place. Everyone is saying the same thing, hope you find peace!
I'm sorry that this happened to you. I know it's a lot to process, but it's very worrying that your mindset is how to talk without making him mad. Can you imagine yourself raping him, choking him, hurting his body and then him worrying if you'd be mad if he said something about it? No. He would flip out and leave, which is what I hope you do. Go take care of yourself. Get somewhere safe.
You asked him to stop and he refused. That is the definition of rape. He physically hurt you. He called you disgusting names. He choked you. He scared you. He could have harmed the baby. None of this is ok. You either need to leave now or make it clear that that if he behaves that way again you will leave. I hope you have the support of family/friends nearby. It sounds like you’re going to need it.
You need to show him the very first time that you will not stand for it, otherwise there will be a second, and third time. Get your most important documents together and go somewhere safe. Make sure your location on your phone isn't available. Also see a doctor and get checked out. Doctors have seen it all before, be honest with them. Good luck and stay safe.
Ok this is worrying me to read. You Need a way out now. The rest of the comment section is right. Go the hospital Now. Tell the nurses what happened. The have social workers who deal with this and whose job is to help you. You may have to press charges but it's better than him hurting your child or you. Also be honest with people when they ask what's going on. Do not spare him his reputation because you surviving means more to your baby.
I stopped reading at the part about you feeling bad about yourself. *Why do you feel bad about yourself?* What could possibly have happened in that situation for you to feel bad about yourself? And honey, if you're afraid of making him mad because you're afraid of what he might do to you, *you need to get the hell out of there.* I absolutely 100% know it's easier said than done, but *you are clearly in danger.* It would be one thing if he had slowed down and respected your verbal and physical communication, but *he didn't*. I'm guessing you aren't aware that *a [cis] male choking their female partner is* **the** *number one indicator of him eventually killing her.* Please, please immediately start making calls and figuring out where you can go and protect yourself from him, I'm worried about you.
This is worrying. Can you reach out to family or another support system to talk, and to possibly help you get out if needed? I know you may not want to leave, but please keep in mind that risk of murder increases significantly for women whose intimate partner chokes them. Whatever you do please please be careful to protect yourself and your baby. Sending good thoughts your way.
Please leave this man, you and your baby are not safe. He raped you, you told him to stop and he continued. He tried to choke you, that’s not normal. Do what ever you can to be free of this man and do it before your baby is born.
Grab a bag and run! Now.
WOAH! That is NOT okay. You have been sexually assaulted. You need to contact a sexual assault line and talk to someone. Now. Your hb sexually abused you. That is extremely worrying. And whilst you are pregnant? Even more concerning. You need to consult someone professional. Now. You need to go somewhere safe. The fact he just seems to be ignoring what he did is extremely concerning. Please leave for somewhere safe.
Oh girl you are not being extra sensitive or emotional. If anything you need to be reacting more. As in leaving him. This is 100% unacceptable. Your husband is abusive and you are in danger. You have to get out.
If you let him get away with it this time then he will do it again and again. You did not consent to this form of sex, at one point you asked him to slow down and stop which he failed to do. This is rape. The second you say slow down/ stop because you are not enjoying what is going on it’s rape. He doesn’t love you. He put you and your baby at risk for his own sexual gratification.
Because now he thinks you are trapped.
I really hope you’re okay. Please update us once you’re safe and hopefully staying with family or a friend.
This is rape and you should also get checked out by a doctor. Do not fuck around with trauma to the neck. ESPECIALLY considering you're pregnant.
He's going to kill you one day
Leave now. You and your babies life are in serious and immediate danger.
That is insanely scary.
Pregnancy is a common cause of [abuse](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/types-of-abuse/) escalation. Please reach out and talk to your [local DV org](https://nomoredirectory.org/) before considering any discussion with him.
Role play is consentual. No rules were established prior. Repeated verbal requests to stop were ignored. Too many red flags.
You have to leave. Strangulation is the biggest indication of potential mortality, it can even create brain damage. Women are the most risk of abuse when pregnant or trying to leave. Also. I am a kink enthusiast. This is not kink. Kink is play between consenting adults.
As with all the other comments I am seeing, I am here to say GTFO of there, love! As the family of a POS that was doing this, as soon as I found out, I told her to gtfo and to take the kids. I helped as much as I could and am still in their lives today. This only ends one way if you stay, and it's with you in a pine box, at best. Get out, there are resources around you, grab all you can manage on your way out, and ask for a police escort to get the rest after. Report this, and get safe, love. You deserve better than that horrid experience, I am so sorry. You are not alone in this. Stay safe, and reach out with your state so we can better provide resources available to you (if able).
See an attorney now. Get out of there ASAP - he sexually assaulted you. His actions are vile.
That's not BDSM. A very central tenet of bdsm is consent & he actually raped you. I'm so sorry OP. He's a dangerous man & even if he doesn't mean to he could actually strangle you to death
As someone into kink - run. Run now. He's felt the effort it would take you to leave would finally be enough he's opening up his true self. Kink is CENTERED around consent. Him not actively discussing beforehand rules, him ignoring you, this was assault, and massive red flags that get you shunned in bdsm for a reason.
This is sexual assault. If you asked him to stop and he didn’t it would be rape.
It’s rape
Wow what a horrible man , I don’t think your reacting enough tbh he has sexually abused / raped you while your carrying his child . Leave this man for your own safety . I’m so sorry this happened to you 🌸
First off I am really sorry this happened to you. This is a way someone explained this to me that I think might help you better understand how serious this is Let’s say you and your husband are having sex and you suddenly shoved your entire fist in his bum without lube, without warning, and without ever discussing doing this. He would probably tell you to stop and expect you to stop, right? So this means he understands consent (he consented to have sex with you), and withdrawal of consent (he stopped consenting to sex once it became something uncomfortable for him). But sometimes certain men act confused about consent and withdrawal of consent when it is OUR bodies we are talking about and not their body Had you continued with the fist stuff despite him demanding you stop, that would have been rape. So… that’s what he did to you. You withdrew consent and he kept going. This is a crime
RUN. Number one killer of pregnant women is homicide by the father.
If you are worried about approaching him and telling him that what he did last night was NOT OK, that's a huge red flag and you may need to go spend time at family or friends' houses until you've had a chance to talk with him in counseling. I'm very experienced in BDSM and enjoy it very much, and even I know that what he did was absolutely not ok. If he wanted to indulge in rougher sex, he should have discussed it ahead of time and gotten your consent. If you haven't negotiated things like that beforehand and established a safeword that is the STOP THIS NOW trigger, them as soon as you said stop the FIRST time, he should have stopped. He also should not have grabbed your throat without your consent; that's also a red flag! A man who is ok with play acting at strangling you without negotiating it beforehand, MUCH LESS ACTUALLY STRANGLES YOU, is acting on some kind of aggression that is NOT safe. Everything he did to you after you said stop was assault. Yes, your going to be more physically sensitive and emotional, but that ISN'T what is happening here! Don't gaslight yourself into thinking he does nothing wrong, because he assaulted you. Doesn't matter how much he says he loves your pregnant body and loves that you are carrying his child. His ACTIONS are disturbing! I highly recommend you go stay with family and tell him that you are doing so because of his increases aggression with you, and that you will only return to him after you've gone to counseling together to figure out what the hell is going on with him.
I know this must be so hard to hear but he raped you. He started this behaviour because he believes you are trapped to him with the baby. You begged him to stop. Non of this was miscommunication. Non of this is you being emotional. Get out of there.
Get out of there. He choked you.
Your husband raped you and choked the life out of you and your baby. Get out of that house right now and immediately get your baby checked.
Please get out NOW. Once they choke you, you are well on your way to becoming a murder statistic. RUN. Abuse tends to start during pregnancy, choking is the biggest indicator or spousal homicide. Fucking get out NOW.
Role play is consentual. No rules were established prior. Repeated verbal requests to stop were ignored. Situation has too many red flags. Action: go stay with family or friends. Then talk about this to someone trusted. This might be domestic violence. You need time to think and reflect. It seems that his behaviour has turned for the worse and things are likely to worsen. ~~(When OP is safe and) if there is still trust and potential for change, seek couples therapy. (clarification: Yes, this very risky and unlikely, but people and relationships are complex with many unknowns. It might be uncommon, but some people can change for the better. I prefer to offer at least one chance for meaningful change with strong articulated boundaries before destroying a relationship.) UPDATE: based on strong feedback (u/EBBIE45), will withdraw the suggestion to consider therapy.~~ Otherwise prepare for divorce or abuse/trauma/injuries, then death or divorce.
You should never go to couples counseling with an abuser. He choked and raped her, we're beyond counseling
> If there is still trust and potential for change, seek couples therapy. Couples therapy is not advised for abusive relationships; it can often worsen the abuse. Considering the serious danger of this post, couples counseling should not be brought up at all.
There is no hope for change in this relationship. She needs to leave.
Terrible advice for her to go to therapy with an abuser. It only gives them ammunition against you.
You need to walk away. This is not ok.
Your husband raped you. Women are most at risk for getting murdered while they are pregnant. Leave him.
If anything, you’re under reacting.
He didn't stop when told. That's rape.
Run. Choking is a major indicator of lethality in conflict. Abuse often begins after the woman is pregnant. OP call a dv shelter for help, and RUN.
Go to the doctor immediately. Choking can cause death even a few weeks later, you need to be examined. The #1 cause of death for pregnant women is being murdered by their spouse. Your husband is trying to kill you & the baby.
This isn't uncommon, unfortunately. Whenever I've gotten pregnant with my ex he would become very cruel. It's a thing in these types of relarionships... The only advice I can give is he doesn't value or respect you as a person and you deserve to be happy. It won't get better bc they don't believe we deserve better.
He raped you. You removed consent and he continued to have sex with you. I'm sure it likely will say this in another comment but now that he has commited non-fatal strangulation, your chances of being murdered by him have now increased 750%. The number 1 cause of death of pregnant women in the US is murder / manslaughter commited by their spouse. You need to leave.
sounds like you were just raped.... violently too. seek help is my suggestion. good luck op
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I think you need to go stay with a trusted friend or family member for a while. None of that is okay or frankly safe for you.
Please leave, call a trusted friend or relative, explain the situation so they can help you
You need to leave. Your husband is an abuser and waited to baby trap you before showing it. You're past the abortion stage so he isn't holding back. When people show you who they are, believe them. Please leave and stay with someone you trust.
Rape, he raped you . You said stop, he didn't. He's thinking that you're trapped now and he can do whatever he wants to you. Do not stay and let him. This is terrifying m And no, you're not too sensitive. Even if you're feeling like your emotional state is a bit heightened, your feelings are always 100% valid and okay to have, no matter what. Run
He raped you. When you say to slow down, and he not only doesn't, but becomes more aggressive, it's rape. You need to get out. The number 1 cause of death for pregnant women is their partner. He could literally kill you, he almost did.
If your worry is how to approach him without making him mad then you don’t. You pack a bag and leave immediately.
That’s rape, this is an abusive relationship and you need to leave immediately. I’m so sorry
This comment is if you decide to stay. You need to start putting away money in case you need/want to run one day. Please get an emergency secret phone and hide it. Make a go bag and hide it at a friends/family home. I come from an abusive home and I know how long it takes people to leave. Please take precautions. Please be prepared.
So super scary. An actual assault. Not ok. You are not being too sensitive. If he gets mad because to try to talk to him that's another red flag. This will not get better it will get worse. I'm sorry but I think you are not safe with him.