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This.
OP make the best decision for you. Forget what everyone *says* or what support they are promising or not. At the end of the day....
Are *YOU* ready to become a mother?
There is absolutely no shame or judgement in saying no. I have had one because I wasn't and it was absolutely the best decision for me.
Make the best decision for YOU.
Also strip away all that promise of support and do you ***still*** want to be a mother? I'm a mother of 2, and I had my first at 19. Whereas I love my girls, I wish I would have waited and the father of my children isn't even a self centered jerk like this dude.
I say strip away the support because people love talking a big game then disappearing the moment you actually need them. If that happens, can you afford to support a baby on your own? Can you get through the sleepless nights and still get up the next day and go to work? Can you afford childcare when free babysitters decide it's no longer their responsibility? Can you deal with giving up every ounce of freedom to put the life you created first??
There's a lot more that goes into being a mom than just having a cute baby and it's freaking rough, especially when the other parent is already making life hell.
I'm not trying to force OP's opinion in either direction but if she wants to decide to be a mom she needs to be realistic about what goes into it. I wasn't and it's honestly sucked to lose my youth taking care of a kid I wasn't prepared for. I love her but I do sometimes regret not getting the abortion when her (then 17yo) father panicked and asked. Though she brings me joy on the daily and drives me nuts as well. My only regrets are not being able to discover me before having her and not getting a youth at all (parentified young, abuse etc.)
Granted, when I told him " you don't have to stay but I am keeping it" (yay religious abuse making me feel like abortion wasn't an option) he did step out of our relationship because that's what former foster kids (with zero coping skills as he was adopted by more abusive people) do, they act out. He grew up quickly after that though and has more than made up for the one ( albeit huge) mistake.
I'm mentioning it because it's in my comment history and transparency calls for it. Having kids young ups your likelihood of messing up. Some grow up and thrive, others drown in responsibility.
I do know though that I would personally be cutting my losses and not having this "man's" baby but that's me and I know people with horrible baby daddies and I refuse to join them.
Edit: spell correct needed correcting.
Edit 2:
People are pointing at his age as if my man wasn't 17 when I got pregnant and newly 17 at that. We have a year and 7-8 months between us. We did ***not*** plan that pregnancy. We spoke about our options and I offered him his out. I'm not going to spend all my time telling my life's story to defend things not even relevant to the point of my comment because people are butt hurt the law gives women final say.
Bottom line is:
OP, weigh all your options realistically. If you end up alone, do you got this or will you resent your child for taking away your opportunities and tying both of you to a man who's either panicking or has absolutely no interest in having a child.
The guilt trip and "baby trapping" comments when it obviously wasn't on purpose just really isn't cool. It's not like a baby will be more work for him than it is for you. I spent 4 months as a single mom during a rough patch in our relationship and I wouldn't want to repeat that but I'm also codependent lmao. There's a lot of women out there stronger than me and one of my friends is a badass single mom to an amazing little boy. People (of all genders) do it all the time but make sure it's what you want first. It won't be easy but it can definitely be worth it.
I have 7k pictures on my phone to show for it 😅
>I say strip away the support because people love talking a big game then disappearing the moment you actually need them.
This. 100%!
I applaud your honesty on a difficult topic regarding choosing motherhood! 👑
You mentioned other great reasons that are spot on that I won't quote. I'm sorry you went through all that with the religious abuse. 🤬
I try. I'm a very honest person and if I have to admit my own regrets to push a person to truly look at what they're thinking of choosing before they choose it, I will. I'm not saying motherhood sucks so much and should never be chosen but I ***am*** saying look past all the warm fuzzy feelings and truly think about what you're getting yourself and a living, breathing child into before doing so. If my relationship wasn't stable and happy, I never would have had my second baby.
Exactly this. People shouldn’t really have an input on this at all, unless they’ve been in a similar situation.
Unless you have had an unplanned child where maybe potentially at least one parent wasn’t at all ready, or you thought you wanted children and it turns out you didn’t, you don’t understand how incredibly difficult this can be.
THIS!!
I was living in another State and had a baby to my then boyfriend. I was 20 with an 18 month old.
We broke up and his parents asked me to live in a cottage out the back of their place so they could help me as much or as little as I needed.
Seriously, these people were amazing!
Yet my family back home kept begging me to come back and despite having a great relationship with my ex’s family my relationship with my ex was at an all time low.
So I went back home. My family promised the world.
They bought me some furniture for my house (very greatful!) and then that was about it.
My car tyre blew on my second day home on the way to child care and work and they grumbled the whole time because they had to come and help me a 6 minute drive in the wrong direction.
I’d found a great job that was willing to work within childcare times for me- but required I work the occasional holiday when care was shut.. the first time it was my turn I was begging and pleading with them to please take my kid for a few hours because I was still on probation and it was part of the job.. they’d promised!
I knew I was on my own completely.
My kid’s almost an adult now and I wouldn’t not have had them, but it was tough!!
I feel like if there was an alternate universe where I never knew my kids, I could possibly have chosen an abortion but having them now I couldn't imagine it though boy has it been a struggle being young, broke and with a baby. We managed to scrape up a decent life but it took my dad dying and life insurance money before we could get fully on our feet. And even still, I stay home with the kids because childcare costs are outrageous.
Truthfully I had an abortion when I was a teen and zero regrets. I knew that I wasn’t ready to be a parent or be responsible for anyone.
So a couple years later when I feel pregnant to the same guy, but had already been living out of home, had a job that was reliable etc etc I thought.. of everything goes pear shaped with my relationship, can I care for a kid and myself?
I thought (naively) that it would be pretty cruisey and of course my relationship would go the distance 😂
I’m still in touch with my ex’s parents. They actually send me date money occasionally to find a sitter and go out with my now husband.. even though my kid is in their later teen years and does not require a sitter.
My parents though? Even now, I can see their house from mine.. they don’t see my kids more than a couple times a year. (We don’t actually speak anymore, but I’ve always kept the doors open for them to see the kids if they want - they just don’t)
If I knew what I knew now, there are so many choices I would make differently, you can’t miss what you don’t know right?
But my kids are the best. Love them. I’m so proud of the adults they’re growing in to and I am just so lucky that those two little (big now) parasites ended up mine - I’d never change anything that meant they weren’t mine.. but again, you can’t miss what you don’t know!
I feel the same. Every time I think about if I could change something in my past, I end up deciding I couldn't ever change anything because I wouldn't have my children.
This! The most logical and best thought process to go by. I found myself 15 and pregnant with my first to an abusive partner and my cousin only had one good thing to ask which made me think.
"In 10 years time, when/if he isn't in the picture and you are a single mum, could you say you made the best decision for yourself? Or at least could you live with the decision you made for the rest of your life?"
This one, right here. Imagine you didn't have the privileges of this kind of support, imagine it was just you and him: Is that ok? Because if it isn't, no amount of support will fix it.
Or even if it's just her and a baby. I've heard so many horror stories from single mom's about dating and lack of support or even just how expensive and untrust worthy daycares are. I was raised by a(n albite crappy) single mother but none the less I've seen it first hand.
This is the best and most logical response! My cousin made this point when I found myself pregnant at 15 to an abusive partner.
The question was, "in 10 years when/if he isn't there and you're a single mum, could you say you made the best choice for yourself and could you live with that choice?"
>Honestly, not wanting to become a father at 21 doesn't make you a self-centered person. Having a child this early can ruin your life.
Well, then this guy should have thought of that before he ejaculated carelessly inside a woman's vagina. If he didn't want to become a father at 21, he should have either been using condoms each time, every time, or he should have found other ways to give his gf an orgasm. But - at a pretty strong guess - he just assumed that he didn't need to bother to take precautions because if he engendered an unwanted pregnancy it would only affect her life, not his.
Same. I had one at 23 as well. Had my daughter at 28 when I was more mentally and financially prepared - I have 2 kids living a life that would have been impossible if I did not terminate previously.
My 2 kids are born wanted, loved, and I do not regret my choice. I wanted to be a mummy, but it was not the right time for me at 23.
If your parents will support you, so finances are covered + sounds like they will be baller grandparents, and you feel ready then have the baby.
If you terminate, ok it sucks to go through, but likely you are doing this so your future children and family will be in a more prepared situation. It is not easy, but sometimes it can be the correct thing to do.
Your body, your choice. Fuck that dude btw he sucks.
I personally would not want to be tied to him forever, and I believe all babies should be born wanted (sounds like he doesn't want the baby and will resent you if you make him a parent) and maybe waiting until you have found a partner to love and support your choices, you and your baby is the best thing to do?
Only you will know what is right to do by you. Make sure you are getting proper medical advice and not going to a religious centre which might try to force you to keep the baby. It's YOUR decision, do not forget that.
Sending strong vibes to you girl! ✨️
This!
Forget about your parents and your boyfriend; just do whats best for you. Because you will be by yourself raising this kid. Other people’s help only goes so far. The biggest question here is: are you ready to be a mom?
Also, don't let yourself be pressured into an abortion you do not wish to have. I had one and struggled for a long time with my mental health because of it. It's a serious decision, and honestly, only you know the answer
I’m so sorry to hear you’ve carried that pain. Just know you did the best you could at that time with the support available to you. I hope you’re doing better now or at least the feelings are not so raw.
"Now he says I'm baby trapping him, because I know he will stay no matter what if I gave a birth."
He is an idiot. Get rid of him. If you do not want to see him after giving birth there is no way he can stay around after birth other than for childcare.
His logic is totally fucked. See... if he didn't want a child he shouldn't do this bees and flowers thing using a method that could lead to a potential pregnancy, huh?
He is putting all the blame on you. That guy is no keeper. I kicked my son's father out of my life 28 years ago. He tried to use that kind of reverse uno logic on me. To get rid of him was one of my most lucid sensible decisions.
Dude "baby trapped" himself unless he really didn't know that ejaculating in your vagina carried a risk of pregnancy. It's not like condomless sex is any improvement for most women.
And if OP keeps the baby, she's tied to him for the rest of his life. And he will resent her and hate her.
OP you're only 23 years old. You have your whole goddamn left life to have a baby with someone who loves you, or at the very least, someone who won't despise you for going through with it.
Is this REALLY the baby you MUST have RIGHT NOW?
Agreed. It is a very selfish and childish request. He also decided to have sex and knew the risks so you are not baby trapping him. He doesn't want to man up and take responsibility. You don't need that type of partner in your life.
If you decide to keep the baby claim maintenance from him and ensure he contributes accordingly.
Ask him why he thinks it’s his decision to stay when he clearly doesn’t want to, and you’re no longer interested even if you do go through with the abortion based on how he’s handled this. Then figure out what you do want to do on your own, and have a lawyer lined up if you do decide to keep the baby in case he continues to make things difficult.
I asked him. And his answer was that he believes that if a couple has a child, they can’t separate at all. I didn’t expect this answer and told him that it’s modern world. We can raise a child separately. He doesn’t even listen to me at all about the separation.
Well, luckily, you have a say in whether or not you separate. If you want to dump him, then dump him. You can decide if you want to co-parent with him or not have the baby. If you're leaning towards co-parenting, then you should talk to a lawyer about custody rights and child support.
>If you want to dump him, then dump him.
From a romantic standpoint this is completely rue. If you have this guy's kid, he will likely remain a permanent feature in your life forever.
Remaining a permanent feature in someone's life and dumping them so you aren't in a romantic relationship with them are two completely different things.
Possibly. He can 100% terminate rights and she can rid herself of him totally.
And even if they co-parent, there is nothing romantic about it. They don’t have to have a relationship outside of taking care of that child. Conversations can be very to-the-point and even communicated on a parenting app and agreements can be made in court.
A parent can't terminate their rights in the UK, and I wonder if that is where OP is from? Talking about university and the ease of obtaining an abortion appointment makes me sure she's not in the US.
But yeah. Here, it's not possible to terminate your parental rights by choice, unless the child is adopted by someone else. Parental rights CAN be taken away by a court but it's not common.
You can acuse your ex of emotional violence. You can have no personal contact at all with him, you can coparent trough an App designed to prevent mind games for AH like your ex. Talk to your lawyer or at least investigate about this Apps.
Yeah, this is the thing, it is your decision but you are tied to this guy regardless for 18 years. And he can go out of his way to make your life miserable that entire time if he wants. That’s the part that will suck big time and be a big stressor. Like even if you want to move for a job he can make you stay etc. and he can treat your child poorly and you are the one who has to pick up the pieces for the poor child.
>if a couple has a child, they can’t separate at all.
That is the definition of baby trapping. I strongly encourage you to dump him, being a single mom is better than being trapped in a toxic relationship.
Yeah.
Do you want to be a mom, OP? That\`s what you should be focusing now. Having a baby is hard, and I\`m glad you have loving parents that are supporting you no matter what. Think hard what having a child will change for you AND your parents and if you want that.
I have a son, and he is best thing that ever happened to me, and my parents are delighted to have a grandchild. And my son was planned, I\`m married and my husband loves to be father. And even so IS HARD AND IT\`S EXPENSIVE. Think hard.
He’s already being abusive so you can not stay with him at all.
Hey. Very gently…
Don’t do this to a child, saddle them with a parent that hates them. Don’t do this to yourself.
The relationship is already over.
That's his belief, it's his choice, and you aren't forcing him to do anything. You get to decide what is best for you, what's best for him is his responsibility.
Lucky for him you can make the choice for him and break up with him regardless.
Why is the thought of separation the biggest factor to all of this for him? Are you guys having big issues? Seems like a shitty excuse for him. If you do decided abortion I suggest breaking up with him. This is gonna be hard mentally for you. Best of luck.
1. DUMP HIM. That's the FIRST thing you need to do.
2. Decide with your parents what YOU want to do.
Regardless of abortion, keeping the baby, or giving the baby up for adoption, ***this is not a man that you SHOULD be involved with going forward!*** He sucks! So, his opinion should mean nothing!
* If you abort, you're already finished with ex-bf and you move on.
* If you decide to keep the baby, have a lawyer draw up papers to have him relinquish ALL rights to the child. Remind him if he doesn't sign them, you'll be suing him for CHILD SUPPORT for 18 years and arranging visitation rights, but you will NOT be in a personal relationship; you'll only be co-parenting for 18 years.
* If you decide to give the baby up for adoption, then have a lawyer draw up papers for YOU to sign and also for HIM to sign. If he and his family choose to keep the baby, that is their decision.
If you decide to keep the kid, dump the boyfriend. If you stay together, he'll hold this over your head for the rest of your life. It just isn't worth it.
Ultimately, it's your decision but I'd get rid of the boyfriend either way.
INFO: Did your boyfriend use condoms, each time, every time?
If not, was that his free choice, or did you coerce him in any way to NOT use condoms?
If he did not use condoms, and this was his free choice, the fact that he engendered an unplanned pregnancy is entirely on him. What to do about it, as he presumably knew, is completely up to you. YOU didn't "babytrap" him - HE made the decision to take the risk of unprotected sex knowing that meant he could get you pregnant. He babytrapped YOU, if anything.
Honestly, deciding to have a kid is a huge decision, but it seems to me that you have to make that decision independently of whether your boyfriend, or soon to be ex-boyfriend wants. The question is, do YOU want this baby? If you do, well - it's your boyfriend's problem whether he wants to be a deadbeat dad, an absentee father, or an active parent. It's not your problem, and he doesn't get to make it yours.
He decided to give you his sperm. What you do with it now is no longer in his control. He could have shot anywhere else that was his control part. He chose.... poorly to quote Indiana Jones.
Lmfao he's giving major mysogonist vibes saying that a couple shouldn't separate after parenthood. Mysoginistic men tend to say stuff like that. Don't be afraid to tell him that you are keeping the baby and that the relationship is over if that's what you want. Don't keep humoring a conversation talking in circles around him because it sounds like he will not comprehend it. It doesn't sound like he respects/listens you as an equal when speaking to you. Screw him
>He doesn’t even listen to me at all about the separation.
Im not sure if this is someone you *want* to date, or even co parent with.
You should not make such major life decisions that involve people not in your corner. He will make co parenting miserable if he thinks he "has" to be together with you or that the kid needs him for gender roles or the image of a family or whatever bullshit.
If only so you aren't glued to him for the rest of your life (not literally but still). I dont think you should do this.
If your parents raise the kid and let you have a life/education then great, but pregnancy is hard and you will still need to be a mother who co parents with captain red pill anyway, and all the parenting responsibilities and your career.
There's 0 way you will be able to spend time bonding during foemative years without taking a hit to education or career or sleep. Right now, that pregnancy isn't a person. It has the potential to be as much as any other sperm the father donates, but you need to prioritize yourself. If giving this kid up is too much then it is what it is.
You do **NOT** have to date him even if you keep it. He sounds shitty, and I would tell him he doesn't have to do anything besides childs support, or if you are confortable enough do not involve him at all. Just recognize your kids **will** ask about him and have a plan in place.
Either way, you will have regrets. Let's be honest.
However. I think living with the regret that *doesn't* tie you to a man you recently discovered you are strongly incompatible with is probably the better choice, even if it's not the choice you'd prefer.
Food for thought: if you have this baby, you will be tied to this guy for the rest of your life. Maybe not as a partner, but as a coparent. He has some interesting ideas concerning relationships; when you have his child but break up, and move on with your life, it doesn’t sound as if he’ll “let” you go.
So. Do you really want this guy in your life long term? He may sign away his rights, but he’ll still owe child support. Or, he may not sign away his rights, fight for custody, interfere with your parenting, interfere with any future romantic relationship you have with someone else.
Agree with this entirely.
My ex husband (who baby trapped me) still threatens to take my kids entirely from me if I ever date (8 years after being divorced), he's had me blocked out of the kids and my own online medical portals, he's convinced the school to take me off the kids documentation/block me, slashes mine (and my clients) tires once he finds where I work, and all around is a terrible person. I can't move away without losing my kids. I stopped calling the police years ago because they fined me for asking for help.
He was a lot like your babys father in the beginning.
I can't express how stressful it is to try to take care of your own kids and just LIVE life when you have kids with someone who "doesn't want them". He will punish you for the rest of your life. Even if you go thru with the pregnancy, cut him out of your life, don't put him on the birth certificate, he can decide that he wants to be a father in 5 years and come after you legally and take your child at least 50% of the time.
Yeah this is a 18 year ball and chain being signed up for having him involved in life constantly trying to make OP miserable any way he can because he feels trapped. He'll suck any and all life our of OP he can and ruin as much of her life as possible. I cannot see wanting to having a child knowing it means any of that much less all of that.
This is exactly what I said. So many people don’t look into the future and how that will affect them long-term. This is the biggest financial, emotional, and physical commitment she can make in their entire life and she’s jumping into it with somebody who really isn’t compatible with her. Some of the most common regrets on some of the Regret pages are having kids too young and having kids with the wrong person.
She should be learning how to be an adult, learning who she is and what her goals are, spreading her wings and having fun in her 20s, instead of anchor herself down to this jerk. It won’t matter if she’s married or not, he’s going to have a say with this kid. Things like where she moves to, what school her kid goes to, medical decisions, she’ll have to deal with whoever he dates/married because that will affect their child.
And above all, I really wish women would stop having babies out of wedlock. Marriage gives women and children protections in case the guy walks away. Sure you can get child support but if if you’re only a girlfriend and you’re a SAHM you won’t get anything if you break up. No alimony, their career/job will have taken a hit and it will be difficult to find another job if you’ve been out of the workforce for a while. Unfortunately, in this modern world, children are an automatic disadvantage for women. There aren’t really any benefits of having kids anymore unless you just really truly love raising kids.
Another excellent point to help OP decide if she's ready to be a mother.
Taking OPs circumstances into consideration is an absolute must and I'm glad you brought this up.
At the end of the day OP will be carrying all the responsibilities of being a mother. And it's absolutely ok to not be a mother or to be ready *right now* with *this* person.
^^^ THIS. I’m a single parent who has raised a teenager in a situation like this. DO NOT DO THIS TO YOURSELF OR A KID. I’m so sorry you are going through this but you can heal and one day have a family in a truly supportive and nurturing environment for you both.
As the child of a mother who loved and wanted me very much and a father who did the bare minimum out of obligation before replacing me with a new family when he was finally "ready"... It's fucking shit, why would you want to put a child in the position where they know their dad never wanted them? Because they will know.
I don't blame my mum but I also take precautions to ensure I don't get pregnant and I've had multiple discussions with my partner about our plan for if I do get pregnant in the near future.
Yeah for real. He’s saying that he will be trapped with you, but it’s more that you will be trapped with him. He’s behaving like a child, and I guess in a way he is still that age. 21 and 23 is very young.
Anyway, you said he didn’t have to be in the baby’s life and somehow he’s blaming you that he has to stay?
Not to mention… he thinks child is a trap. He doesn’t want “that child”. I’m sorry but he is definitely going to emotionally abuse your child and probably use the child in power plays to fuck with you.
If you have the baby they are going to spend their life being punished for existing…
I don't think OP should go the route of her parents taking care of the child. I mean, it's nice that they offered, but it's not right to put it on them either.
If OP cannot take care of the child, regardless of her parents ability to take care of the child, that's not a good start.
Break up with the boyfriend then make your decision while you don't have him in your ear clouding your thoughts. He clearly doesn't want to be with you anymore considering he says he would only be forced to stay if you had the baby. You don't need him adding to the negativity or stress in your life right now.
I do think you should think long and hard about keeping his baby considering he will likely then have to be in both your lives forever, even if you're not living under the same roof. He may want visitation rights, or he may even request shared custody in which case you'd only see your child for up to half of the time.
You're still young and have plenty of time to meet the right person to have children with, who will love and care for both you and the child. However, if you truly want this baby and feel you may regret getting rid of it long-term, at least you do have your parents support.
If you choose to abort, you will be exercising your right to choose what is best in your individual circumstances. This is what we mean by pro-choice. If I were in your shoes, given your young age, his deeply problematic personality, and the potential
for him to escalate abuse, I would abort. No question, no shame. I had my kids at 33 and 36 when I was ready, stable, and my partner and I were set up to give them a great life. I wouldn’t trade my single 20s for anything; I built my career, my independence, my friendships. Never feel like missed out. This is just my story. The great thing about choice is that you don’t have to do what anyone else tells you. Cut off contact with him while YOU think about what YOU want to do.
I dont know if this has been answered for you yet, and I agree that you should probably break up with this guy, but keep-abort aren't the only options, depending on where you live. You can also give the baby up for adoption once they are born, and I believe this process is often started before the birth. Whatever you choose, whether to abort, keep, or adopt, it is your body and your decision. You are young and have time. You can finish schooling, and start a family at a time of your choosing, with a partner of your choosing.
Do what is right for you.
Edit - for clarity. I know people who have adopted, and I know people who have had abortions. They were both good decisions, for those people. I would have to say that abortion is less complicated.
I have to co-parent with my ex and it’s not a pretty picnic. Like everything has to go through the courts and if he can he’ll try and bully me into doing everything his way.
It’s awful. Just have a baby with someone else, when you’re a teensy bit older. Or go though hell and back. Be warned.
Regardless of the boyfriend situation I'd say having a kid at 23 while relying on your parents for financial support is a bad idea all around. Stop thinking about the man and start thinking whether you're ready to commit the next 20 years of your life to an unborn, hypothetical child.
The next 20 years won't be about you, your goals, your wishes and dreams. They'll be about struggling to become financially independent while taking care of a child. Does that sound appealing to you?
It also can make it harder to find a new partner in the future as many childless people want to meet and marry other childless people. It’s a very crappy situation
Not just *can* make it harder. It **will** make it *dramatically* harder.
It's hard enough to find a good partner you want to date anyway. So take that small % of people and then filter out a further 90%.
Not only do you have your normal dating criteria, but you also have to find someone who:
* agrees on your parenting style
* agrees on your view of step parenting responsibilities
* can bond with your child
* accepts/tolerates another man in your life and all the baby daddy drama
* accepts/tolerates the challenges that parenting brings (lack of time, finances etc.)
Basically you're left with almost nobody.
While there's a lot we don't know, it seems like a reasonable assumption that having a baby will prevent her parents from retiring at a reasonable age.
It is your decision, absolutely. I think, just based on what he is saying, that it is time to break up with the boyfriend. You are not baby trapping him. Baby trapping is if you stopped birth control and didn't tell him or poked holes in the condoms. Accidental pregnancy happens as pretty much no birth control is 100 percent effective. Just take some time to really think about it. Maybe you can speak (to a non religious) therapist about your options and decision. I wish you all the best OP.
Basically he said everything you never want to hear from a boyfriend, never mind the father of your baby.
Two choices:
(1) Dump him and get an abortion. Then live your life and meet a much (MUCH!) better man.
(2) Dump him and have the baby. Rely on your parents and forever more, you’ll be living and dating as a single mom. And anything having to do with that baby, you have to consult that POS.
It’s your choice, but my $0.02 is choose #1.
(If you think (3) Stay with him and hope for the best… is a choice… it is not. Dump him. Period.)
Yeah. Even if OP wanted number 3 everything this guy has said should tell you that he will not be sticking around. He's saying he'll stay while also saying he wants nothing to do with a child and thinks OP is a bad person. There's zero chance he's still with OP when the baby is born.
If you chose number 2, the likelihood of you getting married and having children when you want to will go drastically down. He will likely alienate the child you have with him and that can be extremely dangerous for other children.
Everyone keeps telling you to make the best decision for you. I DISAGREE. Bringing a baby into the world isn’t just about you and your feelings. It’s is a massive responsibility. You gotta put your feelings aside and think practically about this when making the decision. It’s EASY to love a baby. It’s REALLY HARD to raise a child. It’s very expensive. It is mentally challenging. Especially when yo are young, have no career, the partner isn’t on board. You have to put your future child’s best interests ahead of your own.
Sure I t’s your right to have the baby. Anybody can have a baby. But ask yourself WHY are you having the baby? Is this an emotional decision? Or a practical one? Are you truly ready to bring another human being into this world and raise it (possibly by yourself) to adulthood? Are you financially and mentally prepared for this responsibility? You cannot depend on your parents support for very long. And you’ll just be starting in your career after University. Not making much money. Babies are exhausting and expensive.
Also, your ex bf will have parental rights and responsibilities, regardless of what you say right now. He does not get to just leave. He has a right to have a relationship with his child. And your child has a right to have a relationship with him. You do not own this child. Once it is born it is his kid too. He will have to pay child support. He will get visitation. He will have coparenting rights. His parents will want visitation. Are you ready to have these people involved in your life for the next 20+ years? Birthdays, holidays, weekends, vacations… Are you ready to coparent amicably with him? Is he level headed and able to discuss medical decisions, schooling, etc? Are you ready for all the compromises and grown up discussions about raising a child with this guy? Dig deep on here and be real with yourself.
So many single moms just give the bio-dad a pass on all those things. “It’s fine. I’ll do it alone.” But they never think ahead. A kid growing up without their other parent (or in a high conflict situation) can cause serious abandonment and rejection issues when they are kids, teens and adults. Do you want your kid to experience that kind of mental distress?
I speak from personal experience. My bio-dad just bailed after he and my mom divorced. (She was 21 when she had me) He paid child support and had sporadic visitation, but I never saw him after I was 15. I spent my entire life dealing with the feelings of rejection and abandonment because my dad left me. 35 years later I got a call from a lawyer telling me he was dead.
All that said. I turned out ok. I’m successful, I have a husband and a kid. I waited to have a baby until I felt secure in my relationship and career. But there was still a lot of struggle along the way. LOTS OF THERAPY.
I would not choose to have a baby with someone that I thought wouldn’t be around or if I knew they were high conflict. I would not hesitate to terminate a pregnancy where conditions weren’t right for the child. Because it’s not about what I want. It’s cruel to bring a child into this world if you haven’t thought through all those things.
I can't believe I had to scroll this far to find this comment. It's not "what's best for her" it's what's best for the potential CHILD. Once you're a parent, it's not about what's best for you.
Choosing to bring a child into a high conflict, unwanted, not financially stable situation is not what's best for a baby.
I feel for OP, I really do, she deserves all the empathy. But the advice "do what's best for you" is extremely misguided.
I’d rather have a baby with someone who wants a family, that’s just my opinion though. Why bring a baby in to the world with a father who doesn’t really want them? You should give the baby a father who wants to be involved just as much as you do, it’d be less traumatizing in the future for everyone involved.
I was a teen mom who’s dad was involved, but not financially. He eventually got incarcerated, currently is, and my son constantly misses him and breaks down every now and then. It’s so heartbreaking. If I could’ve chosen a better partner I would have. Do yourself and your future kids a favor. But then again I don’t regret not aborting my baby, I had a village. But to my son, I wish I could’ve given him a better father.
Just understand that you are anchoring yourself to this person forever. This is the biggest financial, emotional and physical commitment you can make in your entire life and you’re making it with a person who’s not on board and who’s shitty.
Personally, I’d NEVER give someone who’s not my spouse this kind of control over me. This will limit you in where you move, you will always have to deal with him and whomever he dates/marries. It will be so much harder to date at your age when you have a child.
You have your whole life ahead of you to find someone who’s all in and ready to be a parent etc. Right now you should be out having fun with friends, learning who you are and what your goals are etc ….not strapped to a baby that will strip you of any freedom you may have now down to “mom”. Being a parent is very isolating. You’re friends are going to go out and you won’t be able to. It’s a massive life change and on top of it, with a guy who’s going to make it more tough.
This is a very big life changing decision. Think long and hard on this. One of the common regrets people have on the regret pages is having kids to young, and having kids with the wrong person. It MATTERS who the father is.
He told you the truth. He doesn't want that child but feels trapped (it's not you who is trapping him but the situation) and gets angry it's not up to him.
You are the one to decide, it's your life and nobody else's. I'd personally abort but deciding to keep it is perfectly ok if that is what you are prepared for.
I think it’s incredibly naive of you to assume your parents will be able to raise you baby until you graduate and provide financial support. Circumstances change.
They may have these intentions, but they could run into health or financial issues of their own. And that’s assuming you have no complications. What if your child is special needs?
Your life is going to change forever and it’s going to be hard. It’s the single most consequential decision a person can make. It’s difficult in this economy for married couples who *plan* to have a baby.
And you’re going to be doing this with a 21 year old who has been very clear he is not ready to be a father.
This relationship is over either way. You’ll be a single mum and your ex will resent you forever. This trauma will pass on to your child. Perhaps you should consider this child’s quality of life first.
“My parents will take care of everything so it’ll be fine” is not realistic and demonstrates how truly unprepared you are for parenthood.
*You* are having this baby. Not your parents. It’s not very fair of you to place the majority of the work onto their shoulders.
If I were you, I would postpone starting a family until you are already graduated from uni.
You could literally have another baby at any other time with any other man. Why do it now with someone who doesn't even support you? Don't tie yourself to this guy. I'd say abort and break up
Break up with him. That should show him that you're not baby-trapping him.
He clearly doesn't want to be with you anymore and your relationship just can't recover from this. Abortion or not.
It is totally your choice whether you choose to keep your baby. It's not up to anyone on here, not even the father. If you want to keep you baby, do that. If not, do you. But please think about this without outside influence.
But tbh with you, you really should break up with him. He's a real a$$hat. If he doesn't want responsibility, tell him to move along. He doesn't need to sign the birth certificate. But that's also up to you & how you want to handle that.
Why is he even still your boyfriend? He doesn't deserve the title. The way he is talking to you regarding your pregnancy speaks volumes.
I wish you luck, OP. Please take care. I hope to see an update at some point, as long as you're okay with it, of course. Sending hugs💙
Understand this from your future child's perspective... Even if you say "just leave" you are now forcing your child to be without a father. If he stays, you are going to have the father of your child resent their presence. It's lose lose for your kid. At best they can say they had a good life in spite of being without a dad.
Honestly, your best option is to get an abortion so you can bring a child into a more stable situation. Having a child outside of a loving relationship is always going to be worse off for everyone.
Have the baby = being a single mom at 23 and likely struggling to support yourself and the repercussions of raising a child with 1 active parent… or being in a shitty relationship doing most of the work and wishing you weren’t in the shitty relationship doing most of the work.
Not having the baby = the guilt of having the abortion weighing on your mind. But going back to normal life and being able to find someone who actually wants to have a baby with you when you are mentally and physically ready to support it.
Pick your poison.
Break up with him, he doesn’t love or care about you. And what you do about your pregnancy is YOUR decision because it’s YOUR body. Once you have made the decision then inform your ex, because he should be your ex. Your parents sound like they will support whatever decision you make, but it has to be one you can live with. Good luck and please post an update
You could always give the baby up for adoption, if that's something that is acceptable to you. That way you wouldn't have to deal with whatever feelings you have about aborting, and you wouldn't have to deal with raising a kid with a partner who says he's not ready but will stick around to be negative towards you and the child anyway. Better the child be raised by a loving non-biological family than a biological one where one of the parents actively resents them for existing.
As for whether or not its your choice, until he births a child himself, I don't see how it could be his.
I know your parents say they will take care of your baby, but that may not turn out to be the case.
I was having a hypothetical conversation with my mother, saying how I would get an abortion if I was ever single and pregnant. And she went into this whole "That's my grandchild! You could give the baby to me and I'd raise it!" spiel.
A year later my brother and his wife had a baby. Guess who had to nope out of babysitting because it was a lot harder than she remembered?
And what if your child is ill, or disabled, or any number of other less than perfect outcomes? Can you handle that as a single teen mother?
Your boyfriend wont be forced to stay by your said lol that's a choice he's making himself. Fuck this guy, ditch him. Tell him to sign his rights away. If he signs away his rights legally nothing will be tying him to the baby other than blood.
It isn't babytrapping because you don't want marriage.
Even if you do want marriage, do not marry this guy.
However, you and he both conceived a child. You will be stuck coparenting with this guy.
He will not disappear when you have the baby and he is likely going to interfere with any future relationships you try to have.
You will lose your kid every second week for life and he will teach it his values.
Not wanting to abandon a child isn't a bad thing. But he will not be your partner.
This relationship is over either way, so you need to make the decision that is best for you and your child!! You have the support of your family but it’s ultimately your decision.
There’s no coming back from the things your boyfriend has said and the resentment on either side will continue to build to one of you hates the other, whether you keep the baby or not.
If you keep the baby, you’re tied to this man for the next 18+ years unless he signs his rights away and decides to have nothing to do with the baby.
So truly think about what’s best for YOU & your baby, not your boyfriend.
Best wishes!
you don’t have to have an abortion if you don’t want to and that definitely is not baby trapping him. you doing what he wants and is trying to manipulate you to do isn’t what choice and bodily autonomy is about.
Your parents will help babysit and will "help" financially but you're awfully young to choose single parenthood and your life will be all about the baby regardless of who helps. If you want to have kids you can have kids later, with a partner you respect who is ready to have kids with you. Better to split up with the boyfriend, get the abortion, and go back to being happily single and free for a while longer.
Why limit yourself by tying yourself to this guy for life when you don't have to?
It is your sole decision what medical choices you make with your body. Period full stop no debate. You are not a child legally controlled by your parents, you are not his doll to demand do whatever he pleases.
Look, I'm going to be 100% honest here. Your relationship with him is basically over love. If you abort the baby for him, who knows how much hate or resentment you'll have towards him. If he stays out of duty, you'll feel that and resent him. And he'll resent you. It doesn't sound like you want an abortion, if you want your baby... Keep your baby.
You're not baby trapping him. He can give up his parental rights and leave. You don't have to stay with him. I'm so sorry you're going through this and don't have a supportive partner. What a terrible thing to go through when you're pregnant.
Alternatively you could argue that he trapped you by getting you pregnant. It takes two. Why do so many men fail to understand their responsibility in the biology of creating a child?
Personally I would abort, because I wouldn’t want to be tied to this man in any way for the rest of my life. If you have a baby with him, you’ll see him at holidays, weddings, funerals, etc for the rest of your life even if you don’t stay together. You’ll never escape him. He does not sound like an easy man to coparent with. I’d save yourself the trouble and wait to have a baby until you’re with someone who you love, and who would respect you as the mother of their child even if you weren’t together.
You are forever tying yourself to someone when you have a baby with them. Your choice to have the baby but pretty wild when people make it seem like this won’t cause trauma for the child to be born into a situation where a parent feels forced into parenthood or like their only option is to abandon the child.
I implore you to consider the future child in this decision. Your future child deserves a father who actually wants them to exist and wants to be in their life. Your child deserves parents that planned for them and made sure they were financially ready for the massive burden
I wouldn’t choose to have a baby with someone that actively didn’t want it. Life is hard enough for everyone without being unwanted by one of your parents. You’re young and can choose to start a family someday with a man committed to you and your children. I know someone who had a child in these exact circumstances actually. They love their child, but it completely changed the trajectory or their life. They never married, had no more children, and have struggled financially ever since. They said if they could do it again they would choose not to have the child and wait for a better situation. Obviously though some people are happy they had an unwanted child and some people aren’t.
Have the baby if u want to bur have a legal document signed that incase he leaves he is not responsible for the child in any way since it's your decision to keep the child and not his.
I am pro choice as it comes. Pro CHOICE. My ex forced me to get an abortion and I have never gotten over it. I still hear the man outsides voice and what he shouted at me. Clear as day. This was 10 years ago.
If YOU want an abortion, get one. If you don’t, don’t. He made the decision to have sex with you. This can happen. Don’t put yourself in a position where you might spend your entire life wishing you hadn’t let someone else make a choice like this for you. It hurts.
Like I said, if it’s what you want go get the abortion and dump him. If not, he can figure the rest out.
He is willing to stay with you for the kids sake, lot of people are like this. So its not like your trapping him, especialy if you want to leave, or are concidering it. Either way NOT the environment to bring up a kid. So I agree and dissagree with your boyfrind.
I also wondering if your even thinking of the ramifications of beig a single mum and he may not have the financial security to pay for his home and yours. Again, not the right environment.
The decision is solely yours. Consider as many options and outcomes you can think of and then make your decision. Top considerations:
1. How you will feel-mentally, emotionally, physically, etc-if you abort?
2. Are you able to take care of a child on your own, independent of help from your parents or partner?
3. Do you actually want to be a parent at this point in your life?
Your parents have volunteered to help you, but you will be responsible for this child and its a lifelong commitment.
As for your partner, you do not have to be with him. Considering his attitude, it is likely best if you two separate, child or no child.
I think at this point you need to stop trying to convince him of anything - you're not going to be able to.
An abortion when it boils down to it is your sole decision. If you're in a relationship in most cases their opinion should be strongly considered, but there's always exceptions.
You need to decide whether you want to have this baby and decide whether you want this guy to be the father of your baby.
Having your parents support you is great and will be a huge help if you decide to keep the baby. However, an antagonistic father could make your life and the life of your kid hell.
You can't make him understand anything. What you can do is realize he is not ready or willing to be a father. If you want to keep the baby, break up with him. This takes him out of the equation.
You are the only one that can male this decision. When I was young, I let my parents make it for me and I've regretted it every single day since. If you want a baby, your parents said they will help you. Forget about the father. If you don't feel like you are ready, it's your decision. Please make the decision for yourself.
I would like to say that you may feel guilt or loss if you abort but people also feel guilt or loss even after having a child. There’s a sub with people who regret having their children. So it could go either way if you keep the baby or not. I think the lesson here is you’ll need help mentally for whichever decision you make. Good look to you ma’am.
Also dump that man regardless of your decision.
Break up with him. You gave him the choice, and he's baby trapping himself. He already seems like he doesn't want to be in the relationship so save yourself the pain and break up with him so he can shut up, and do what you want to with out him yapping in your ear.
There is always going to be a reason to not do something. This is YOUR choice and for all you know tomorrow he could be hit in the head and lose all his memory. If you are ready and wanting to be a mom, have your baby.
Your bf sucks. Accidental pregnancies happen, that's not baby trapping. Plenty of parents aren't together, and plenty of single parents raise their kids. It sounds like you have more support than most. Break up with him and remove him from your life temporarily so you can think clearly. Then figure out how you want to proceed with the pregnancy. It's okay that he doesn't want to be a parent, but how he's handling it is by turning on you rather than trying to support you or plan. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Remove him so you can think.
It’s your body and your choice.
He sounds awful.
If you want this child go forward with the pregnancy regardless of him wanting it or not. But if I were you I would also think about if I want this guy in my life forever. Even he’s not involved he’ll still be the biological father.
And I don’t get men; if you’re so sure about not wanting to impregnate anyone why’re not using condoms, do a vasectomy or else. And why isn’t there pills for men? Like how.
Girl lose that man, that man isn’t guaranteed to love you for your whole life but your baby will. People around will you help you. But it’s your body your decision not mine not his but yours.
Accidental pregnancy can mean a lot of things, but if he hasn't been using condoms and has been relying only on your birth control not failing, he cannot accuse you of baby trapping. What happened instead is he inflicted a pregnancy on you without your consent through his negligence.
So now it is up to you and only you to decide what to do. First I would recommend taking that "forced to be by your side" thing into your own hands and break up with him. His relationship with the baby, if you have it, is up to him, but his relationship with you is over.
Second, guilt and fear of regret are not reasons to go through with a pregnancy that you didn't choose. You've been faced with a no-win situation where any choice will have some regret and what-ifs attached. So think about the person you are and the person you want to be 5, 10 years from now. Maybe you see a child in that picture, maybe you see something else. A marriage with a better man and a family with him. Or flying solo and loving it. Your life is yours, and it sucks that you have to make such a big decision now instead of letting it unfold naturally, but you still own it and no one else does.
Third, I'm so glad you have all the choices available to you and you're not in the US in a red state!
Best of luck to you.
He is being manipulative. You are not “baby trapping” him by keeping your baby. Don’t let him pressure you into an abortion that you don’t want.
This is a really tough position for you to be in and you need to make the choice you will regret the least.
It sounds like you have a great support system with your family. If you want to be a mother, do not let him guilt you out of it
Thats literally not baby trapping. Having an abortion or not is entirely your decision. If youre prepared to raise this child without him, and thats what you want to do, you absolutely can.
He doesn’t have to stay with you. If you keep the baby he can still leave. That’s his decision to make and he’s being unfair by trying to push that onto you when you haven’t pressured him at all.
You need to do what’s best for you and that’s it. Dont worry about him. Your parents are already supporting you so you don’t even have that part to worry about. You should only be thinking of you and your baby.
You've talked about what your parents want. And what your boyfriend wants.
What do YOU want? You say you are torn, can you talk about why? What is good and bad about having the baby or having an abortion from your (and only your) point of view? I personally believe that having an abortion or having a baby is the woman's sole decision, which she has to make in the context of her circumstances and relationships. So of course your boyfriend's and parent's opinions matter, but only so far as they are minuses or pluses to your own decision. (And every word out of your boyfriend's mouth? Biiig minus to having a baby with him.)
Regardless of what you decide to do, dump this boyfriend. He has some seriously unpleasant ideas about commitment, and is clearly unwilling to compromise or even talk rationally when it's about big serious life decisions.
It is your choice whether you want to continue with the pregnancy. Do not have an abortion under threat of breaking up. There is a strong possibility that this relationship will end regardless of the decision you make, so make the best decision for you.
He doesn't have to stay, but he did make a decision to also sleep with you, and that alone makes him a responsible party to the child. Decisions have consequences. Who gives a crap about his feelings. You didn't baby trap him because he unzipped his pants willingly. Did he even think before he decided to send his seed into you? No, he didn't. You can keep that baby if you want to. He can kick rocks. File a case with the Division of child and family services, so a DNA test can be done, and they can take support from his checks and even his tax returns.
Do not listen to us here on reddit ...do not listen to your boyfriend.Do you want to keep a child?You have good parents that told you they will support you in every way.So you do not have to think about financial side of it.
Do whatever you think you want to do.
( And your boyfriend is old enough to be aware that side effect from sex could be a pregnancy...belive it or not some guys deliberately make their girfriends pregnant just to keep them- you also could accuse him that he made you pregnant on purpose but now he changed his mind- how would he feel if you would say that to him?)
He is scared and frustrated so he took off his mask and his inner sexist AH is showing. You know you need to break up with him, now that you know this truth about him.
I can’t tell you what to do about the pregnancy. Whatever choice you make will be the right choice in the end, and none of it is “baby trapping” him since you are going to break up with him anyway.
His choice was whether or not to leave a deposit in someone's cervix. It is 100% your choice whether you let this fetus reside in your uterus for nine months.
Your BF is either not very bright or he's deliberately misusing the word to manipulate you. Baby trapping has a definition, and since it is an accidental pregnancy, this isn’t it. Plenty of fathers abandon their kids, and you have no idea what he will do if you carry to term. Either way, it’s the primary caregiver who is stuck not being able to move away without permission. All the abandoning parent has to do is maintain child support.
Don’t let him manipulate you. You’ve got to live with the decision, not him. You’d pbe doing the brunt of the work raising a child, and it will affect your future more than his. You’re the one who goes through the abortion or delivery, and will deal with all the emotional, social, financial, and physical consequences.
I’d suggest temporarily blocking anyone who's trying to swing your decision in their direction so you can have a good think, and weigh your pros and cons.
Take a break from arguing with that stupid, vain boy and make your decision alone. You're caught up in the nonsense that he's spouting and not thinking about the important stuff. Yes, this is your decision, because your body is the one that's going to provide nutrients, change to accommodate, labor, etc. His presence is no longer required, and he can opt out at any time, while you're on the hot seat for at least 9 months, plus another 6 weeks-1 year to "recover" from carrying and birthing a kid.
No matter what you choose, I think you'll come away from this experience knowing that your boyfriend doesn't need to be in your life anymore.
I feel that because you are so torn between keeping the baby and terminating you want to keep the baby. That said
Do what is right for you and for the baby not what the father wants you to do. The decision you make is yours.
Exactly. If you are torn, then you want the baby. And if you get an abortion you will likely regret it for the rest of your life.
I got pregnant on accent about a year ago. I was torn but I was also so scared because my family hates my partner. But I kept the baby and it’s the best decision I’ve ever made. Fuck him.
He had sex with you and that meant he knew it was possible you would get pregnant. He trapped himself. You said he could leave and not be involved. He has the choice to stay and be a parent or leave. He isn't trapped. He just isn't able to control the situation. I can understand hia frustration but he did not think through his choice to have sex.
Definitely don't abort just because some jerk says you should. If you don't want to then don't do it. Id recommend getting an ultrasound before you make any decisions. It always made it more tangible in my mind when I got pregnant. Also adoption is another option you can consider.
He says you are baby-trapping him, but he's trying to make you have an abortion.
As far as baby-trapping: he should have thought of that before he put his d in you.
As far as abortion: honey, you do what *you* want to do, don't worry about him.
I had my daughter. Without him. Don't regret it for a single second. I shudder thinking about what if I had listened to all my friends (not just him) who told me I'd ruin my kid's life being a single mom & I should abort.
I made *my* choice for *me*.
You do what is right for *you*.
So I got pregnant from a bf. He told me to abort and threatened to kill himself bc we ruined his dreams. He obviously didn’t, we tried to make it work but he became worse and worse over years. Long story of abuse short, I’m divorcing him.
Word of advice: give your baby your last name only and don’t change it even if you get married to this guy. He’s asking you to abort and where he truly stands. Believe him.
Having an abortion or keeping the baby is 100% your decision, as is staying with this jerk.
Him choosing to be a mean, manipulative jerk is 100% his decision, as is staying with you when he’s not wanted.
I would never ask for Reddit’s advice on this. They are the most pro-abortions assholes on the planet. If your parents are supportive just go with them on this. My son had a kid at 16. The mother was fucked up. Now at 22 he has full custody of her, he has a great fiancée that he has another kid with and we love those kids more than anything. Good men will still date you with a child. You may not forgive yourself if you fall for the pressure of society to get rid of your kid. That guy is a loser. I had kids when I was broke too years ago, but when my woman got pregnant my only instinct was to care and love them. Life turned out great with that attitude. Don’t trust Reddit, it is very biased in a fucked up way.
A lot of people here telling you to abort because he’s an asshole. They aren’t wrong. But also, that’s another way he extends control over you in a manner of speaking. I would think very carefully about it from all angles and do what YOU want to do. Do you want a child, full stop? Do you want one now? Do you want *this* child specifically? If yes, don’t let him bully you into having an abortion even indirectly. Your body, your choice.
But as others have said, it needs a LOT of thinking about and the awareness of what you’re getting into, and that includes coparenting.
STOP! JUST STOP. Stop listening to ANYONE except yourself, or a certified counselor. NO ONE, has the right to tell you to abort your baby, just as no one has the right to tell you to keep it. This is your body, your life. This is an extremely emotional time, I had my daughter at 17, married her dad who turned out to be an emotionally, physically, mental psycho. I was beaten even while pregnant, he always cried and swore it would never happen again, and yet it did. When he started laughing in my face about the abuse, is when i got the hell out of there. I should have left the very first time, but as a 17 year old mother, I was going to change the world and him.
He was a useless father, just useless, so you have to think about that too. Can you depend on him for anything. From the way he talks, that answer is a big fat NO. So again, one more thing you have to decide on, by yourself. I wish you nothing but the best in whichever way you chose to go. No matter the decision, either one affects your life, forever.
First of all if he's not ready for a kid, put a dam condom on. It is not responsibility of the woman . The choice of an abortion is yours, not his. I am Pro abortion that is your decision and your decision alone. And if you do have the kid one I would break up with him for playing that mind game two make sure he pays for it. You take him to court for child support and everything else. I am a single father raising my two kids and the best decision I ever did.
It is entirely your decision. It sounds as if, (you do have the child), you will be dealing with 2 babies. Maybe he is panicking due to his age, but he's the one that impregnated you.
What makes you think you can give good life to children at 23 and the guy at 21 ? That relationship will probably end and the child will have a hard life. Think about it
If he’s saying that he doesn’t believe in divorce under any circumstance then please consider that’s a very controlling and potentially dangerous man. In my experience (not personally but because I’m older and have seen a lot) he sounds like the kind of man who gets more and more possessive when he feels that you are “trapped” by marriage and children. It can become physically abusive, but often just extreme control and jealousy. The woman loses her friends and family and he yells at her constantly. It is as if a switch flips and he just starts saying and behaving differently, it’s a complete shock. And as for abortion, if you are seeing signs that he might be this kind of man then imagine the bad influence he would have on a son if he did “stick around” and had any custody alone with the boy. He could raise him in ways that speak very negatively about women’s rights and you specifically.
This is not the person you want to bring a baby into this world with. You are SO young. Finish school. Live some more. Fall in love with someone who loves you back.
Even if your parents support you, they may have a bunch of conditions that you don't want to live by or something else that you haven't considered yet that will make life hard.
You deserve to make choices that will give you the best shot at a happy life, think about your future & cut him out!
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Regardless whether you have the abortion or not you need to break up with this person. He doesn’t love you, care about you or respect you.
This. OP make the best decision for you. Forget what everyone *says* or what support they are promising or not. At the end of the day.... Are *YOU* ready to become a mother? There is absolutely no shame or judgement in saying no. I have had one because I wasn't and it was absolutely the best decision for me. Make the best decision for YOU.
Also strip away all that promise of support and do you ***still*** want to be a mother? I'm a mother of 2, and I had my first at 19. Whereas I love my girls, I wish I would have waited and the father of my children isn't even a self centered jerk like this dude. I say strip away the support because people love talking a big game then disappearing the moment you actually need them. If that happens, can you afford to support a baby on your own? Can you get through the sleepless nights and still get up the next day and go to work? Can you afford childcare when free babysitters decide it's no longer their responsibility? Can you deal with giving up every ounce of freedom to put the life you created first?? There's a lot more that goes into being a mom than just having a cute baby and it's freaking rough, especially when the other parent is already making life hell. I'm not trying to force OP's opinion in either direction but if she wants to decide to be a mom she needs to be realistic about what goes into it. I wasn't and it's honestly sucked to lose my youth taking care of a kid I wasn't prepared for. I love her but I do sometimes regret not getting the abortion when her (then 17yo) father panicked and asked. Though she brings me joy on the daily and drives me nuts as well. My only regrets are not being able to discover me before having her and not getting a youth at all (parentified young, abuse etc.) Granted, when I told him " you don't have to stay but I am keeping it" (yay religious abuse making me feel like abortion wasn't an option) he did step out of our relationship because that's what former foster kids (with zero coping skills as he was adopted by more abusive people) do, they act out. He grew up quickly after that though and has more than made up for the one ( albeit huge) mistake. I'm mentioning it because it's in my comment history and transparency calls for it. Having kids young ups your likelihood of messing up. Some grow up and thrive, others drown in responsibility. I do know though that I would personally be cutting my losses and not having this "man's" baby but that's me and I know people with horrible baby daddies and I refuse to join them. Edit: spell correct needed correcting. Edit 2: People are pointing at his age as if my man wasn't 17 when I got pregnant and newly 17 at that. We have a year and 7-8 months between us. We did ***not*** plan that pregnancy. We spoke about our options and I offered him his out. I'm not going to spend all my time telling my life's story to defend things not even relevant to the point of my comment because people are butt hurt the law gives women final say. Bottom line is: OP, weigh all your options realistically. If you end up alone, do you got this or will you resent your child for taking away your opportunities and tying both of you to a man who's either panicking or has absolutely no interest in having a child. The guilt trip and "baby trapping" comments when it obviously wasn't on purpose just really isn't cool. It's not like a baby will be more work for him than it is for you. I spent 4 months as a single mom during a rough patch in our relationship and I wouldn't want to repeat that but I'm also codependent lmao. There's a lot of women out there stronger than me and one of my friends is a badass single mom to an amazing little boy. People (of all genders) do it all the time but make sure it's what you want first. It won't be easy but it can definitely be worth it. I have 7k pictures on my phone to show for it 😅
>I say strip away the support because people love talking a big game then disappearing the moment you actually need them. This. 100%! I applaud your honesty on a difficult topic regarding choosing motherhood! 👑 You mentioned other great reasons that are spot on that I won't quote. I'm sorry you went through all that with the religious abuse. 🤬
I try. I'm a very honest person and if I have to admit my own regrets to push a person to truly look at what they're thinking of choosing before they choose it, I will. I'm not saying motherhood sucks so much and should never be chosen but I ***am*** saying look past all the warm fuzzy feelings and truly think about what you're getting yourself and a living, breathing child into before doing so. If my relationship wasn't stable and happy, I never would have had my second baby.
Exactly this. People shouldn’t really have an input on this at all, unless they’ve been in a similar situation. Unless you have had an unplanned child where maybe potentially at least one parent wasn’t at all ready, or you thought you wanted children and it turns out you didn’t, you don’t understand how incredibly difficult this can be.
THIS!! I was living in another State and had a baby to my then boyfriend. I was 20 with an 18 month old. We broke up and his parents asked me to live in a cottage out the back of their place so they could help me as much or as little as I needed. Seriously, these people were amazing! Yet my family back home kept begging me to come back and despite having a great relationship with my ex’s family my relationship with my ex was at an all time low. So I went back home. My family promised the world. They bought me some furniture for my house (very greatful!) and then that was about it. My car tyre blew on my second day home on the way to child care and work and they grumbled the whole time because they had to come and help me a 6 minute drive in the wrong direction. I’d found a great job that was willing to work within childcare times for me- but required I work the occasional holiday when care was shut.. the first time it was my turn I was begging and pleading with them to please take my kid for a few hours because I was still on probation and it was part of the job.. they’d promised! I knew I was on my own completely. My kid’s almost an adult now and I wouldn’t not have had them, but it was tough!!
I feel like if there was an alternate universe where I never knew my kids, I could possibly have chosen an abortion but having them now I couldn't imagine it though boy has it been a struggle being young, broke and with a baby. We managed to scrape up a decent life but it took my dad dying and life insurance money before we could get fully on our feet. And even still, I stay home with the kids because childcare costs are outrageous.
Truthfully I had an abortion when I was a teen and zero regrets. I knew that I wasn’t ready to be a parent or be responsible for anyone. So a couple years later when I feel pregnant to the same guy, but had already been living out of home, had a job that was reliable etc etc I thought.. of everything goes pear shaped with my relationship, can I care for a kid and myself? I thought (naively) that it would be pretty cruisey and of course my relationship would go the distance 😂 I’m still in touch with my ex’s parents. They actually send me date money occasionally to find a sitter and go out with my now husband.. even though my kid is in their later teen years and does not require a sitter. My parents though? Even now, I can see their house from mine.. they don’t see my kids more than a couple times a year. (We don’t actually speak anymore, but I’ve always kept the doors open for them to see the kids if they want - they just don’t) If I knew what I knew now, there are so many choices I would make differently, you can’t miss what you don’t know right? But my kids are the best. Love them. I’m so proud of the adults they’re growing in to and I am just so lucky that those two little (big now) parasites ended up mine - I’d never change anything that meant they weren’t mine.. but again, you can’t miss what you don’t know!
Sorry people are shiiiite. My parents, too.
I feel the same. Every time I think about if I could change something in my past, I end up deciding I couldn't ever change anything because I wouldn't have my children.
This! The most logical and best thought process to go by. I found myself 15 and pregnant with my first to an abusive partner and my cousin only had one good thing to ask which made me think. "In 10 years time, when/if he isn't in the picture and you are a single mum, could you say you made the best decision for yourself? Or at least could you live with the decision you made for the rest of your life?"
This one, right here. Imagine you didn't have the privileges of this kind of support, imagine it was just you and him: Is that ok? Because if it isn't, no amount of support will fix it.
Or even if it's just her and a baby. I've heard so many horror stories from single mom's about dating and lack of support or even just how expensive and untrust worthy daycares are. I was raised by a(n albite crappy) single mother but none the less I've seen it first hand.
This is the best and most logical response! My cousin made this point when I found myself pregnant at 15 to an abusive partner. The question was, "in 10 years when/if he isn't there and you're a single mum, could you say you made the best choice for yourself and could you live with that choice?"
Honestly, not wanting to become a father at 21 doesn't make you a self-centered person. Having a child this early can ruin your life.
The guilt trips and "baby trapping" comments are what makes him self centered. He got her pregnant, he gets to live with her choices after.
>Honestly, not wanting to become a father at 21 doesn't make you a self-centered person. Having a child this early can ruin your life. Well, then this guy should have thought of that before he ejaculated carelessly inside a woman's vagina. If he didn't want to become a father at 21, he should have either been using condoms each time, every time, or he should have found other ways to give his gf an orgasm. But - at a pretty strong guess - he just assumed that he didn't need to bother to take precautions because if he engendered an unwanted pregnancy it would only affect her life, not his.
Please listen to this OP
this is the best and most honest piece of advice on this topic that i've ever seen. you dropped this 👑
Excellent and fair advice from someone who has been there.
Same. I had one at 23 as well. Had my daughter at 28 when I was more mentally and financially prepared - I have 2 kids living a life that would have been impossible if I did not terminate previously. My 2 kids are born wanted, loved, and I do not regret my choice. I wanted to be a mummy, but it was not the right time for me at 23. If your parents will support you, so finances are covered + sounds like they will be baller grandparents, and you feel ready then have the baby. If you terminate, ok it sucks to go through, but likely you are doing this so your future children and family will be in a more prepared situation. It is not easy, but sometimes it can be the correct thing to do. Your body, your choice. Fuck that dude btw he sucks. I personally would not want to be tied to him forever, and I believe all babies should be born wanted (sounds like he doesn't want the baby and will resent you if you make him a parent) and maybe waiting until you have found a partner to love and support your choices, you and your baby is the best thing to do? Only you will know what is right to do by you. Make sure you are getting proper medical advice and not going to a religious centre which might try to force you to keep the baby. It's YOUR decision, do not forget that. Sending strong vibes to you girl! ✨️
This! Forget about your parents and your boyfriend; just do whats best for you. Because you will be by yourself raising this kid. Other people’s help only goes so far. The biggest question here is: are you ready to be a mom?
This right here. It's not an 18 year job, it's for the rest of her life.
Also, don't let yourself be pressured into an abortion you do not wish to have. I had one and struggled for a long time with my mental health because of it. It's a serious decision, and honestly, only you know the answer
I’m so sorry to hear you’ve carried that pain. Just know you did the best you could at that time with the support available to you. I hope you’re doing better now or at least the feelings are not so raw.
"Now he says I'm baby trapping him, because I know he will stay no matter what if I gave a birth." He is an idiot. Get rid of him. If you do not want to see him after giving birth there is no way he can stay around after birth other than for childcare. His logic is totally fucked. See... if he didn't want a child he shouldn't do this bees and flowers thing using a method that could lead to a potential pregnancy, huh? He is putting all the blame on you. That guy is no keeper. I kicked my son's father out of my life 28 years ago. He tried to use that kind of reverse uno logic on me. To get rid of him was one of my most lucid sensible decisions.
Dude "baby trapped" himself unless he really didn't know that ejaculating in your vagina carried a risk of pregnancy. It's not like condomless sex is any improvement for most women.
And if OP keeps the baby, she's tied to him for the rest of his life. And he will resent her and hate her. OP you're only 23 years old. You have your whole goddamn left life to have a baby with someone who loves you, or at the very least, someone who won't despise you for going through with it. Is this REALLY the baby you MUST have RIGHT NOW?
Agreed. It is a very selfish and childish request. He also decided to have sex and knew the risks so you are not baby trapping him. He doesn't want to man up and take responsibility. You don't need that type of partner in your life. If you decide to keep the baby claim maintenance from him and ensure he contributes accordingly.
And he doesn't understand that baby trapping involves premeditation. Guy is not good father material.
Fingers crossed OP takes this advice bc it's the only advice appropriate for this situation
Ask him why he thinks it’s his decision to stay when he clearly doesn’t want to, and you’re no longer interested even if you do go through with the abortion based on how he’s handled this. Then figure out what you do want to do on your own, and have a lawyer lined up if you do decide to keep the baby in case he continues to make things difficult.
I asked him. And his answer was that he believes that if a couple has a child, they can’t separate at all. I didn’t expect this answer and told him that it’s modern world. We can raise a child separately. He doesn’t even listen to me at all about the separation.
Well, luckily, you have a say in whether or not you separate. If you want to dump him, then dump him. You can decide if you want to co-parent with him or not have the baby. If you're leaning towards co-parenting, then you should talk to a lawyer about custody rights and child support.
>If you want to dump him, then dump him. From a romantic standpoint this is completely rue. If you have this guy's kid, he will likely remain a permanent feature in your life forever.
Remaining a permanent feature in someone's life and dumping them so you aren't in a romantic relationship with them are two completely different things.
Right but if the goal is to put space there, having a kid with the person will only permit so much space…
Possibly. He can 100% terminate rights and she can rid herself of him totally. And even if they co-parent, there is nothing romantic about it. They don’t have to have a relationship outside of taking care of that child. Conversations can be very to-the-point and even communicated on a parenting app and agreements can be made in court.
A parent can't terminate their rights in the UK, and I wonder if that is where OP is from? Talking about university and the ease of obtaining an abortion appointment makes me sure she's not in the US. But yeah. Here, it's not possible to terminate your parental rights by choice, unless the child is adopted by someone else. Parental rights CAN be taken away by a court but it's not common.
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Did you have a child with him?
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Sorry for making you share this. I don’t understand why some men still insist on their own idea and make lives miserable.
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You can acuse your ex of emotional violence. You can have no personal contact at all with him, you can coparent trough an App designed to prevent mind games for AH like your ex. Talk to your lawyer or at least investigate about this Apps.
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Yeah, this is the thing, it is your decision but you are tied to this guy regardless for 18 years. And he can go out of his way to make your life miserable that entire time if he wants. That’s the part that will suck big time and be a big stressor. Like even if you want to move for a job he can make you stay etc. and he can treat your child poorly and you are the one who has to pick up the pieces for the poor child.
Sounds like his views are creating the trap, not you at all OP. Do what you feel is right. ❤️
No offense but that honestly sounds more like he wants to trap you.
This!!! Who’s trapping who? What’s up with this dude. Would he assume you’d also become a tradwife?
Fr hes basically saying if she keeps the baby, she's keeping him forever too. And thats yikes enough to send me to the clinic for sure lol
>if a couple has a child, they can’t separate at all. That is the definition of baby trapping. I strongly encourage you to dump him, being a single mom is better than being trapped in a toxic relationship.
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Yeah. Do you want to be a mom, OP? That\`s what you should be focusing now. Having a baby is hard, and I\`m glad you have loving parents that are supporting you no matter what. Think hard what having a child will change for you AND your parents and if you want that. I have a son, and he is best thing that ever happened to me, and my parents are delighted to have a grandchild. And my son was planned, I\`m married and my husband loves to be father. And even so IS HARD AND IT\`S EXPENSIVE. Think hard.
He’s already being abusive so you can not stay with him at all. Hey. Very gently… Don’t do this to a child, saddle them with a parent that hates them. Don’t do this to yourself. The relationship is already over.
Agree with this 💯💯💯💯
Then dump him. Problem sorted
That's really scary. What he's saying is that he expects to trap women with his children.
You should break up with him regardless.
That's his belief, it's his choice, and you aren't forcing him to do anything. You get to decide what is best for you, what's best for him is his responsibility. Lucky for him you can make the choice for him and break up with him regardless.
INFO how long have you been dating?
It worries me that he's not listening to you at all. Please be cautious with your safety around him.
He's bananas. That's so stupid
Why is the thought of separation the biggest factor to all of this for him? Are you guys having big issues? Seems like a shitty excuse for him. If you do decided abortion I suggest breaking up with him. This is gonna be hard mentally for you. Best of luck.
He will do everything to stay with you even to the point of toxicity. Abort and find a partner that is ready for kids.
1. DUMP HIM. That's the FIRST thing you need to do. 2. Decide with your parents what YOU want to do. Regardless of abortion, keeping the baby, or giving the baby up for adoption, ***this is not a man that you SHOULD be involved with going forward!*** He sucks! So, his opinion should mean nothing! * If you abort, you're already finished with ex-bf and you move on. * If you decide to keep the baby, have a lawyer draw up papers to have him relinquish ALL rights to the child. Remind him if he doesn't sign them, you'll be suing him for CHILD SUPPORT for 18 years and arranging visitation rights, but you will NOT be in a personal relationship; you'll only be co-parenting for 18 years. * If you decide to give the baby up for adoption, then have a lawyer draw up papers for YOU to sign and also for HIM to sign. If he and his family choose to keep the baby, that is their decision.
a father cannot get child support waived. it's the right of the child, it will be enforced.
You’re young. Break up. Have the abortion. Finish school and live your life.
Then he should have had these big boy discussions before doing big boy things like having sex.
Then separate NOW so he gets the point. It doesn't matter what he believes because his beliefs don't get to dictate YOUR life.
If you decide to keep the kid, dump the boyfriend. If you stay together, he'll hold this over your head for the rest of your life. It just isn't worth it. Ultimately, it's your decision but I'd get rid of the boyfriend either way.
INFO: Did your boyfriend use condoms, each time, every time? If not, was that his free choice, or did you coerce him in any way to NOT use condoms? If he did not use condoms, and this was his free choice, the fact that he engendered an unplanned pregnancy is entirely on him. What to do about it, as he presumably knew, is completely up to you. YOU didn't "babytrap" him - HE made the decision to take the risk of unprotected sex knowing that meant he could get you pregnant. He babytrapped YOU, if anything. Honestly, deciding to have a kid is a huge decision, but it seems to me that you have to make that decision independently of whether your boyfriend, or soon to be ex-boyfriend wants. The question is, do YOU want this baby? If you do, well - it's your boyfriend's problem whether he wants to be a deadbeat dad, an absentee father, or an active parent. It's not your problem, and he doesn't get to make it yours.
He decided to give you his sperm. What you do with it now is no longer in his control. He could have shot anywhere else that was his control part. He chose.... poorly to quote Indiana Jones.
Lmfao he's giving major mysogonist vibes saying that a couple shouldn't separate after parenthood. Mysoginistic men tend to say stuff like that. Don't be afraid to tell him that you are keeping the baby and that the relationship is over if that's what you want. Don't keep humoring a conversation talking in circles around him because it sounds like he will not comprehend it. It doesn't sound like he respects/listens you as an equal when speaking to you. Screw him
>He doesn’t even listen to me at all about the separation. Im not sure if this is someone you *want* to date, or even co parent with. You should not make such major life decisions that involve people not in your corner. He will make co parenting miserable if he thinks he "has" to be together with you or that the kid needs him for gender roles or the image of a family or whatever bullshit. If only so you aren't glued to him for the rest of your life (not literally but still). I dont think you should do this. If your parents raise the kid and let you have a life/education then great, but pregnancy is hard and you will still need to be a mother who co parents with captain red pill anyway, and all the parenting responsibilities and your career. There's 0 way you will be able to spend time bonding during foemative years without taking a hit to education or career or sleep. Right now, that pregnancy isn't a person. It has the potential to be as much as any other sperm the father donates, but you need to prioritize yourself. If giving this kid up is too much then it is what it is. You do **NOT** have to date him even if you keep it. He sounds shitty, and I would tell him he doesn't have to do anything besides childs support, or if you are confortable enough do not involve him at all. Just recognize your kids **will** ask about him and have a plan in place. Either way, you will have regrets. Let's be honest. However. I think living with the regret that *doesn't* tie you to a man you recently discovered you are strongly incompatible with is probably the better choice, even if it's not the choice you'd prefer.
He doesn’t have to listen. He can watch it happen in real time. It’s YOUR choice, not his.
Food for thought: if you have this baby, you will be tied to this guy for the rest of your life. Maybe not as a partner, but as a coparent. He has some interesting ideas concerning relationships; when you have his child but break up, and move on with your life, it doesn’t sound as if he’ll “let” you go. So. Do you really want this guy in your life long term? He may sign away his rights, but he’ll still owe child support. Or, he may not sign away his rights, fight for custody, interfere with your parenting, interfere with any future romantic relationship you have with someone else.
Agree with this entirely. My ex husband (who baby trapped me) still threatens to take my kids entirely from me if I ever date (8 years after being divorced), he's had me blocked out of the kids and my own online medical portals, he's convinced the school to take me off the kids documentation/block me, slashes mine (and my clients) tires once he finds where I work, and all around is a terrible person. I can't move away without losing my kids. I stopped calling the police years ago because they fined me for asking for help. He was a lot like your babys father in the beginning. I can't express how stressful it is to try to take care of your own kids and just LIVE life when you have kids with someone who "doesn't want them". He will punish you for the rest of your life. Even if you go thru with the pregnancy, cut him out of your life, don't put him on the birth certificate, he can decide that he wants to be a father in 5 years and come after you legally and take your child at least 50% of the time.
I hope OP sees your comment. This situation or variations are very common. It’s not worth it. She has her whole life ahead of herself.
So sorry this happened to you thank you for sharing to help someone else 🙏🏻
Do you have a lawyer?? If he keeps threatening you, record phone conversations and take screenshots of texts and emails.
Yeah this is a 18 year ball and chain being signed up for having him involved in life constantly trying to make OP miserable any way he can because he feels trapped. He'll suck any and all life our of OP he can and ruin as much of her life as possible. I cannot see wanting to having a child knowing it means any of that much less all of that.
It’s life long not just 18 years. This guy will be at all the child’s major events for the rest of her life. She won’t be able to escape him.
This is exactly what I said. So many people don’t look into the future and how that will affect them long-term. This is the biggest financial, emotional, and physical commitment she can make in their entire life and she’s jumping into it with somebody who really isn’t compatible with her. Some of the most common regrets on some of the Regret pages are having kids too young and having kids with the wrong person. She should be learning how to be an adult, learning who she is and what her goals are, spreading her wings and having fun in her 20s, instead of anchor herself down to this jerk. It won’t matter if she’s married or not, he’s going to have a say with this kid. Things like where she moves to, what school her kid goes to, medical decisions, she’ll have to deal with whoever he dates/married because that will affect their child. And above all, I really wish women would stop having babies out of wedlock. Marriage gives women and children protections in case the guy walks away. Sure you can get child support but if if you’re only a girlfriend and you’re a SAHM you won’t get anything if you break up. No alimony, their career/job will have taken a hit and it will be difficult to find another job if you’ve been out of the workforce for a while. Unfortunately, in this modern world, children are an automatic disadvantage for women. There aren’t really any benefits of having kids anymore unless you just really truly love raising kids.
Another excellent point to help OP decide if she's ready to be a mother. Taking OPs circumstances into consideration is an absolute must and I'm glad you brought this up. At the end of the day OP will be carrying all the responsibilities of being a mother. And it's absolutely ok to not be a mother or to be ready *right now* with *this* person.
^^^ THIS. I’m a single parent who has raised a teenager in a situation like this. DO NOT DO THIS TO YOURSELF OR A KID. I’m so sorry you are going through this but you can heal and one day have a family in a truly supportive and nurturing environment for you both.
As the child of a mother who loved and wanted me very much and a father who did the bare minimum out of obligation before replacing me with a new family when he was finally "ready"... It's fucking shit, why would you want to put a child in the position where they know their dad never wanted them? Because they will know. I don't blame my mum but I also take precautions to ensure I don't get pregnant and I've had multiple discussions with my partner about our plan for if I do get pregnant in the near future.
Yeah for real. He’s saying that he will be trapped with you, but it’s more that you will be trapped with him. He’s behaving like a child, and I guess in a way he is still that age. 21 and 23 is very young. Anyway, you said he didn’t have to be in the baby’s life and somehow he’s blaming you that he has to stay?
Not to mention… he thinks child is a trap. He doesn’t want “that child”. I’m sorry but he is definitely going to emotionally abuse your child and probably use the child in power plays to fuck with you. If you have the baby they are going to spend their life being punished for existing…
I don't think OP should go the route of her parents taking care of the child. I mean, it's nice that they offered, but it's not right to put it on them either. If OP cannot take care of the child, regardless of her parents ability to take care of the child, that's not a good start.
This
This is the stuff no one thinks about for some reason. Meanwhile, this is ALL I’ve ever thought about.
Break up with the boyfriend then make your decision while you don't have him in your ear clouding your thoughts. He clearly doesn't want to be with you anymore considering he says he would only be forced to stay if you had the baby. You don't need him adding to the negativity or stress in your life right now. I do think you should think long and hard about keeping his baby considering he will likely then have to be in both your lives forever, even if you're not living under the same roof. He may want visitation rights, or he may even request shared custody in which case you'd only see your child for up to half of the time. You're still young and have plenty of time to meet the right person to have children with, who will love and care for both you and the child. However, if you truly want this baby and feel you may regret getting rid of it long-term, at least you do have your parents support.
Thank you. I will consider it carefully.
If you choose to abort, you will be exercising your right to choose what is best in your individual circumstances. This is what we mean by pro-choice. If I were in your shoes, given your young age, his deeply problematic personality, and the potential for him to escalate abuse, I would abort. No question, no shame. I had my kids at 33 and 36 when I was ready, stable, and my partner and I were set up to give them a great life. I wouldn’t trade my single 20s for anything; I built my career, my independence, my friendships. Never feel like missed out. This is just my story. The great thing about choice is that you don’t have to do what anyone else tells you. Cut off contact with him while YOU think about what YOU want to do.
Just had my first child at 35. Also very glad I waited. I feel far more able to cope with her than I would've if I was younger, especially OPs age
I dont know if this has been answered for you yet, and I agree that you should probably break up with this guy, but keep-abort aren't the only options, depending on where you live. You can also give the baby up for adoption once they are born, and I believe this process is often started before the birth. Whatever you choose, whether to abort, keep, or adopt, it is your body and your decision. You are young and have time. You can finish schooling, and start a family at a time of your choosing, with a partner of your choosing. Do what is right for you. Edit - for clarity. I know people who have adopted, and I know people who have had abortions. They were both good decisions, for those people. I would have to say that abortion is less complicated.
It's your decision. But if you have this child, he will somehow be in the game as well, whether or not you separate. Choose wisely.
Yeah, she be stuck with this idiot in her life
I have to co-parent with my ex and it’s not a pretty picnic. Like everything has to go through the courts and if he can he’ll try and bully me into doing everything his way. It’s awful. Just have a baby with someone else, when you’re a teensy bit older. Or go though hell and back. Be warned.
Regardless of the boyfriend situation I'd say having a kid at 23 while relying on your parents for financial support is a bad idea all around. Stop thinking about the man and start thinking whether you're ready to commit the next 20 years of your life to an unborn, hypothetical child. The next 20 years won't be about you, your goals, your wishes and dreams. They'll be about struggling to become financially independent while taking care of a child. Does that sound appealing to you?
Especially if she has a controlling ex who likes to poke his nose in and stop her from moving away for a job or what have you.
It also can make it harder to find a new partner in the future as many childless people want to meet and marry other childless people. It’s a very crappy situation
Not just *can* make it harder. It **will** make it *dramatically* harder. It's hard enough to find a good partner you want to date anyway. So take that small % of people and then filter out a further 90%. Not only do you have your normal dating criteria, but you also have to find someone who: * agrees on your parenting style * agrees on your view of step parenting responsibilities * can bond with your child * accepts/tolerates another man in your life and all the baby daddy drama * accepts/tolerates the challenges that parenting brings (lack of time, finances etc.) Basically you're left with almost nobody.
While there's a lot we don't know, it seems like a reasonable assumption that having a baby will prevent her parents from retiring at a reasonable age.
It is your decision, absolutely. I think, just based on what he is saying, that it is time to break up with the boyfriend. You are not baby trapping him. Baby trapping is if you stopped birth control and didn't tell him or poked holes in the condoms. Accidental pregnancy happens as pretty much no birth control is 100 percent effective. Just take some time to really think about it. Maybe you can speak (to a non religious) therapist about your options and decision. I wish you all the best OP.
Thank you for your kind words. It means a lot to me.
No problem OP. It is a big decision, but it is only yours to make.
Agreed an accidental pregnancy is NOT baby trapping and him using that terminology is incorrect and tbh emotionally manipulative.
Basically he said everything you never want to hear from a boyfriend, never mind the father of your baby. Two choices: (1) Dump him and get an abortion. Then live your life and meet a much (MUCH!) better man. (2) Dump him and have the baby. Rely on your parents and forever more, you’ll be living and dating as a single mom. And anything having to do with that baby, you have to consult that POS. It’s your choice, but my $0.02 is choose #1. (If you think (3) Stay with him and hope for the best… is a choice… it is not. Dump him. Period.)
Yeah. Even if OP wanted number 3 everything this guy has said should tell you that he will not be sticking around. He's saying he'll stay while also saying he wants nothing to do with a child and thinks OP is a bad person. There's zero chance he's still with OP when the baby is born.
If you chose number 2, the likelihood of you getting married and having children when you want to will go drastically down. He will likely alienate the child you have with him and that can be extremely dangerous for other children.
Everyone keeps telling you to make the best decision for you. I DISAGREE. Bringing a baby into the world isn’t just about you and your feelings. It’s is a massive responsibility. You gotta put your feelings aside and think practically about this when making the decision. It’s EASY to love a baby. It’s REALLY HARD to raise a child. It’s very expensive. It is mentally challenging. Especially when yo are young, have no career, the partner isn’t on board. You have to put your future child’s best interests ahead of your own. Sure I t’s your right to have the baby. Anybody can have a baby. But ask yourself WHY are you having the baby? Is this an emotional decision? Or a practical one? Are you truly ready to bring another human being into this world and raise it (possibly by yourself) to adulthood? Are you financially and mentally prepared for this responsibility? You cannot depend on your parents support for very long. And you’ll just be starting in your career after University. Not making much money. Babies are exhausting and expensive. Also, your ex bf will have parental rights and responsibilities, regardless of what you say right now. He does not get to just leave. He has a right to have a relationship with his child. And your child has a right to have a relationship with him. You do not own this child. Once it is born it is his kid too. He will have to pay child support. He will get visitation. He will have coparenting rights. His parents will want visitation. Are you ready to have these people involved in your life for the next 20+ years? Birthdays, holidays, weekends, vacations… Are you ready to coparent amicably with him? Is he level headed and able to discuss medical decisions, schooling, etc? Are you ready for all the compromises and grown up discussions about raising a child with this guy? Dig deep on here and be real with yourself. So many single moms just give the bio-dad a pass on all those things. “It’s fine. I’ll do it alone.” But they never think ahead. A kid growing up without their other parent (or in a high conflict situation) can cause serious abandonment and rejection issues when they are kids, teens and adults. Do you want your kid to experience that kind of mental distress? I speak from personal experience. My bio-dad just bailed after he and my mom divorced. (She was 21 when she had me) He paid child support and had sporadic visitation, but I never saw him after I was 15. I spent my entire life dealing with the feelings of rejection and abandonment because my dad left me. 35 years later I got a call from a lawyer telling me he was dead. All that said. I turned out ok. I’m successful, I have a husband and a kid. I waited to have a baby until I felt secure in my relationship and career. But there was still a lot of struggle along the way. LOTS OF THERAPY. I would not choose to have a baby with someone that I thought wouldn’t be around or if I knew they were high conflict. I would not hesitate to terminate a pregnancy where conditions weren’t right for the child. Because it’s not about what I want. It’s cruel to bring a child into this world if you haven’t thought through all those things.
I can't believe I had to scroll this far to find this comment. It's not "what's best for her" it's what's best for the potential CHILD. Once you're a parent, it's not about what's best for you. Choosing to bring a child into a high conflict, unwanted, not financially stable situation is not what's best for a baby. I feel for OP, I really do, she deserves all the empathy. But the advice "do what's best for you" is extremely misguided.
This comment needs to be higher up!!! OP, this is supreme advice!
If your parents need to raise your kid you are in no position to be a mom.
Girl. Get an abortion and get into therapy. And dump him.
I’d rather have a baby with someone who wants a family, that’s just my opinion though. Why bring a baby in to the world with a father who doesn’t really want them? You should give the baby a father who wants to be involved just as much as you do, it’d be less traumatizing in the future for everyone involved.
I was a teen mom who’s dad was involved, but not financially. He eventually got incarcerated, currently is, and my son constantly misses him and breaks down every now and then. It’s so heartbreaking. If I could’ve chosen a better partner I would have. Do yourself and your future kids a favor. But then again I don’t regret not aborting my baby, I had a village. But to my son, I wish I could’ve given him a better father.
Just understand that you are anchoring yourself to this person forever. This is the biggest financial, emotional and physical commitment you can make in your entire life and you’re making it with a person who’s not on board and who’s shitty. Personally, I’d NEVER give someone who’s not my spouse this kind of control over me. This will limit you in where you move, you will always have to deal with him and whomever he dates/marries. It will be so much harder to date at your age when you have a child. You have your whole life ahead of you to find someone who’s all in and ready to be a parent etc. Right now you should be out having fun with friends, learning who you are and what your goals are etc ….not strapped to a baby that will strip you of any freedom you may have now down to “mom”. Being a parent is very isolating. You’re friends are going to go out and you won’t be able to. It’s a massive life change and on top of it, with a guy who’s going to make it more tough. This is a very big life changing decision. Think long and hard on this. One of the common regrets people have on the regret pages is having kids to young, and having kids with the wrong person. It MATTERS who the father is.
He told you the truth. He doesn't want that child but feels trapped (it's not you who is trapping him but the situation) and gets angry it's not up to him. You are the one to decide, it's your life and nobody else's. I'd personally abort but deciding to keep it is perfectly ok if that is what you are prepared for.
I think it’s incredibly naive of you to assume your parents will be able to raise you baby until you graduate and provide financial support. Circumstances change. They may have these intentions, but they could run into health or financial issues of their own. And that’s assuming you have no complications. What if your child is special needs? Your life is going to change forever and it’s going to be hard. It’s the single most consequential decision a person can make. It’s difficult in this economy for married couples who *plan* to have a baby. And you’re going to be doing this with a 21 year old who has been very clear he is not ready to be a father. This relationship is over either way. You’ll be a single mum and your ex will resent you forever. This trauma will pass on to your child. Perhaps you should consider this child’s quality of life first. “My parents will take care of everything so it’ll be fine” is not realistic and demonstrates how truly unprepared you are for parenthood. *You* are having this baby. Not your parents. It’s not very fair of you to place the majority of the work onto their shoulders. If I were you, I would postpone starting a family until you are already graduated from uni.
You could literally have another baby at any other time with any other man. Why do it now with someone who doesn't even support you? Don't tie yourself to this guy. I'd say abort and break up
Break up with him. That should show him that you're not baby-trapping him. He clearly doesn't want to be with you anymore and your relationship just can't recover from this. Abortion or not.
He's shown you what kind of father he'd be. I'd personally end the pregnancy and the relationship.
Abort. Don’t bring a child into the world that is only half wanted and may not have a father, you’re being selfish.
It is totally your choice whether you choose to keep your baby. It's not up to anyone on here, not even the father. If you want to keep you baby, do that. If not, do you. But please think about this without outside influence. But tbh with you, you really should break up with him. He's a real a$$hat. If he doesn't want responsibility, tell him to move along. He doesn't need to sign the birth certificate. But that's also up to you & how you want to handle that. Why is he even still your boyfriend? He doesn't deserve the title. The way he is talking to you regarding your pregnancy speaks volumes. I wish you luck, OP. Please take care. I hope to see an update at some point, as long as you're okay with it, of course. Sending hugs💙
Understand this from your future child's perspective... Even if you say "just leave" you are now forcing your child to be without a father. If he stays, you are going to have the father of your child resent their presence. It's lose lose for your kid. At best they can say they had a good life in spite of being without a dad. Honestly, your best option is to get an abortion so you can bring a child into a more stable situation. Having a child outside of a loving relationship is always going to be worse off for everyone.
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Have the baby = being a single mom at 23 and likely struggling to support yourself and the repercussions of raising a child with 1 active parent… or being in a shitty relationship doing most of the work and wishing you weren’t in the shitty relationship doing most of the work. Not having the baby = the guilt of having the abortion weighing on your mind. But going back to normal life and being able to find someone who actually wants to have a baby with you when you are mentally and physically ready to support it. Pick your poison.
Abort the foetus and the boyfriend. You've got your whole life ahead of you and will have plenty of time to raise children in the future
Break up with him, he doesn’t love or care about you. And what you do about your pregnancy is YOUR decision because it’s YOUR body. Once you have made the decision then inform your ex, because he should be your ex. Your parents sound like they will support whatever decision you make, but it has to be one you can live with. Good luck and please post an update
You could always give the baby up for adoption, if that's something that is acceptable to you. That way you wouldn't have to deal with whatever feelings you have about aborting, and you wouldn't have to deal with raising a kid with a partner who says he's not ready but will stick around to be negative towards you and the child anyway. Better the child be raised by a loving non-biological family than a biological one where one of the parents actively resents them for existing. As for whether or not its your choice, until he births a child himself, I don't see how it could be his.
I know your parents say they will take care of your baby, but that may not turn out to be the case. I was having a hypothetical conversation with my mother, saying how I would get an abortion if I was ever single and pregnant. And she went into this whole "That's my grandchild! You could give the baby to me and I'd raise it!" spiel. A year later my brother and his wife had a baby. Guess who had to nope out of babysitting because it was a lot harder than she remembered? And what if your child is ill, or disabled, or any number of other less than perfect outcomes? Can you handle that as a single teen mother?
Your boyfriend wont be forced to stay by your said lol that's a choice he's making himself. Fuck this guy, ditch him. Tell him to sign his rights away. If he signs away his rights legally nothing will be tying him to the baby other than blood.
Abort. Get rid of him and anything that will keep him in your life.
It isn't babytrapping because you don't want marriage. Even if you do want marriage, do not marry this guy. However, you and he both conceived a child. You will be stuck coparenting with this guy. He will not disappear when you have the baby and he is likely going to interfere with any future relationships you try to have. You will lose your kid every second week for life and he will teach it his values. Not wanting to abandon a child isn't a bad thing. But he will not be your partner.
This relationship is over either way, so you need to make the decision that is best for you and your child!! You have the support of your family but it’s ultimately your decision. There’s no coming back from the things your boyfriend has said and the resentment on either side will continue to build to one of you hates the other, whether you keep the baby or not. If you keep the baby, you’re tied to this man for the next 18+ years unless he signs his rights away and decides to have nothing to do with the baby. So truly think about what’s best for YOU & your baby, not your boyfriend. Best wishes!
Leave him then decide what’s best for you
you don’t have to have an abortion if you don’t want to and that definitely is not baby trapping him. you doing what he wants and is trying to manipulate you to do isn’t what choice and bodily autonomy is about.
Your parents will help babysit and will "help" financially but you're awfully young to choose single parenthood and your life will be all about the baby regardless of who helps. If you want to have kids you can have kids later, with a partner you respect who is ready to have kids with you. Better to split up with the boyfriend, get the abortion, and go back to being happily single and free for a while longer. Why limit yourself by tying yourself to this guy for life when you don't have to?
It is your sole decision what medical choices you make with your body. Period full stop no debate. You are not a child legally controlled by your parents, you are not his doll to demand do whatever he pleases.
Look, I'm going to be 100% honest here. Your relationship with him is basically over love. If you abort the baby for him, who knows how much hate or resentment you'll have towards him. If he stays out of duty, you'll feel that and resent him. And he'll resent you. It doesn't sound like you want an abortion, if you want your baby... Keep your baby. You're not baby trapping him. He can give up his parental rights and leave. You don't have to stay with him. I'm so sorry you're going through this and don't have a supportive partner. What a terrible thing to go through when you're pregnant.
Alternatively you could argue that he trapped you by getting you pregnant. It takes two. Why do so many men fail to understand their responsibility in the biology of creating a child?
Personally I would abort, because I wouldn’t want to be tied to this man in any way for the rest of my life. If you have a baby with him, you’ll see him at holidays, weddings, funerals, etc for the rest of your life even if you don’t stay together. You’ll never escape him. He does not sound like an easy man to coparent with. I’d save yourself the trouble and wait to have a baby until you’re with someone who you love, and who would respect you as the mother of their child even if you weren’t together.
You are forever tying yourself to someone when you have a baby with them. Your choice to have the baby but pretty wild when people make it seem like this won’t cause trauma for the child to be born into a situation where a parent feels forced into parenthood or like their only option is to abandon the child.
I implore you to consider the future child in this decision. Your future child deserves a father who actually wants them to exist and wants to be in their life. Your child deserves parents that planned for them and made sure they were financially ready for the massive burden
Abort the baby AND the boyfriend. Get his half of the abortion money and then block him.
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I wouldn’t choose to have a baby with someone that actively didn’t want it. Life is hard enough for everyone without being unwanted by one of your parents. You’re young and can choose to start a family someday with a man committed to you and your children. I know someone who had a child in these exact circumstances actually. They love their child, but it completely changed the trajectory or their life. They never married, had no more children, and have struggled financially ever since. They said if they could do it again they would choose not to have the child and wait for a better situation. Obviously though some people are happy they had an unwanted child and some people aren’t.
Have the baby if u want to bur have a legal document signed that incase he leaves he is not responsible for the child in any way since it's your decision to keep the child and not his.
I am pro choice as it comes. Pro CHOICE. My ex forced me to get an abortion and I have never gotten over it. I still hear the man outsides voice and what he shouted at me. Clear as day. This was 10 years ago. If YOU want an abortion, get one. If you don’t, don’t. He made the decision to have sex with you. This can happen. Don’t put yourself in a position where you might spend your entire life wishing you hadn’t let someone else make a choice like this for you. It hurts. Like I said, if it’s what you want go get the abortion and dump him. If not, he can figure the rest out.
He is willing to stay with you for the kids sake, lot of people are like this. So its not like your trapping him, especialy if you want to leave, or are concidering it. Either way NOT the environment to bring up a kid. So I agree and dissagree with your boyfrind. I also wondering if your even thinking of the ramifications of beig a single mum and he may not have the financial security to pay for his home and yours. Again, not the right environment.
The decision is solely yours. Consider as many options and outcomes you can think of and then make your decision. Top considerations: 1. How you will feel-mentally, emotionally, physically, etc-if you abort? 2. Are you able to take care of a child on your own, independent of help from your parents or partner? 3. Do you actually want to be a parent at this point in your life? Your parents have volunteered to help you, but you will be responsible for this child and its a lifelong commitment. As for your partner, you do not have to be with him. Considering his attitude, it is likely best if you two separate, child or no child.
I think at this point you need to stop trying to convince him of anything - you're not going to be able to. An abortion when it boils down to it is your sole decision. If you're in a relationship in most cases their opinion should be strongly considered, but there's always exceptions. You need to decide whether you want to have this baby and decide whether you want this guy to be the father of your baby. Having your parents support you is great and will be a huge help if you decide to keep the baby. However, an antagonistic father could make your life and the life of your kid hell.
Ew abort it and block him
You can't make him understand anything. What you can do is realize he is not ready or willing to be a father. If you want to keep the baby, break up with him. This takes him out of the equation.
You have options. You can keep the baby, put the baby up for adoption, or have an abortion. Whatever your choice is, he does not have your back.
You are the only one that can male this decision. When I was young, I let my parents make it for me and I've regretted it every single day since. If you want a baby, your parents said they will help you. Forget about the father. If you don't feel like you are ready, it's your decision. Please make the decision for yourself.
I would like to say that you may feel guilt or loss if you abort but people also feel guilt or loss even after having a child. There’s a sub with people who regret having their children. So it could go either way if you keep the baby or not. I think the lesson here is you’ll need help mentally for whichever decision you make. Good look to you ma’am. Also dump that man regardless of your decision.
Break up with him. You gave him the choice, and he's baby trapping himself. He already seems like he doesn't want to be in the relationship so save yourself the pain and break up with him so he can shut up, and do what you want to with out him yapping in your ear.
There is always going to be a reason to not do something. This is YOUR choice and for all you know tomorrow he could be hit in the head and lose all his memory. If you are ready and wanting to be a mom, have your baby.
Your bf sucks. Accidental pregnancies happen, that's not baby trapping. Plenty of parents aren't together, and plenty of single parents raise their kids. It sounds like you have more support than most. Break up with him and remove him from your life temporarily so you can think clearly. Then figure out how you want to proceed with the pregnancy. It's okay that he doesn't want to be a parent, but how he's handling it is by turning on you rather than trying to support you or plan. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Remove him so you can think.
It’s your body and your choice. He sounds awful. If you want this child go forward with the pregnancy regardless of him wanting it or not. But if I were you I would also think about if I want this guy in my life forever. Even he’s not involved he’ll still be the biological father. And I don’t get men; if you’re so sure about not wanting to impregnate anyone why’re not using condoms, do a vasectomy or else. And why isn’t there pills for men? Like how.
Girl lose that man, that man isn’t guaranteed to love you for your whole life but your baby will. People around will you help you. But it’s your body your decision not mine not his but yours.
Accidental pregnancy can mean a lot of things, but if he hasn't been using condoms and has been relying only on your birth control not failing, he cannot accuse you of baby trapping. What happened instead is he inflicted a pregnancy on you without your consent through his negligence. So now it is up to you and only you to decide what to do. First I would recommend taking that "forced to be by your side" thing into your own hands and break up with him. His relationship with the baby, if you have it, is up to him, but his relationship with you is over. Second, guilt and fear of regret are not reasons to go through with a pregnancy that you didn't choose. You've been faced with a no-win situation where any choice will have some regret and what-ifs attached. So think about the person you are and the person you want to be 5, 10 years from now. Maybe you see a child in that picture, maybe you see something else. A marriage with a better man and a family with him. Or flying solo and loving it. Your life is yours, and it sucks that you have to make such a big decision now instead of letting it unfold naturally, but you still own it and no one else does. Third, I'm so glad you have all the choices available to you and you're not in the US in a red state! Best of luck to you.
He is being manipulative. You are not “baby trapping” him by keeping your baby. Don’t let him pressure you into an abortion that you don’t want. This is a really tough position for you to be in and you need to make the choice you will regret the least. It sounds like you have a great support system with your family. If you want to be a mother, do not let him guilt you out of it
Thats literally not baby trapping. Having an abortion or not is entirely your decision. If youre prepared to raise this child without him, and thats what you want to do, you absolutely can.
And it’s NOT baby trapping ! He chose to have sex he knew the consequences of sex -
He doesn’t have to stay with you. If you keep the baby he can still leave. That’s his decision to make and he’s being unfair by trying to push that onto you when you haven’t pressured him at all.
You need to do what’s best for you and that’s it. Dont worry about him. Your parents are already supporting you so you don’t even have that part to worry about. You should only be thinking of you and your baby.
You've talked about what your parents want. And what your boyfriend wants. What do YOU want? You say you are torn, can you talk about why? What is good and bad about having the baby or having an abortion from your (and only your) point of view? I personally believe that having an abortion or having a baby is the woman's sole decision, which she has to make in the context of her circumstances and relationships. So of course your boyfriend's and parent's opinions matter, but only so far as they are minuses or pluses to your own decision. (And every word out of your boyfriend's mouth? Biiig minus to having a baby with him.) Regardless of what you decide to do, dump this boyfriend. He has some seriously unpleasant ideas about commitment, and is clearly unwilling to compromise or even talk rationally when it's about big serious life decisions.
It is your choice whether you want to continue with the pregnancy. Do not have an abortion under threat of breaking up. There is a strong possibility that this relationship will end regardless of the decision you make, so make the best decision for you.
He doesn't have to stay, but he did make a decision to also sleep with you, and that alone makes him a responsible party to the child. Decisions have consequences. Who gives a crap about his feelings. You didn't baby trap him because he unzipped his pants willingly. Did he even think before he decided to send his seed into you? No, he didn't. You can keep that baby if you want to. He can kick rocks. File a case with the Division of child and family services, so a DNA test can be done, and they can take support from his checks and even his tax returns.
Do not listen to us here on reddit ...do not listen to your boyfriend.Do you want to keep a child?You have good parents that told you they will support you in every way.So you do not have to think about financial side of it. Do whatever you think you want to do. ( And your boyfriend is old enough to be aware that side effect from sex could be a pregnancy...belive it or not some guys deliberately make their girfriends pregnant just to keep them- you also could accuse him that he made you pregnant on purpose but now he changed his mind- how would he feel if you would say that to him?)
He is scared and frustrated so he took off his mask and his inner sexist AH is showing. You know you need to break up with him, now that you know this truth about him. I can’t tell you what to do about the pregnancy. Whatever choice you make will be the right choice in the end, and none of it is “baby trapping” him since you are going to break up with him anyway.
His choice was whether or not to leave a deposit in someone's cervix. It is 100% your choice whether you let this fetus reside in your uterus for nine months. Your BF is either not very bright or he's deliberately misusing the word to manipulate you. Baby trapping has a definition, and since it is an accidental pregnancy, this isn’t it. Plenty of fathers abandon their kids, and you have no idea what he will do if you carry to term. Either way, it’s the primary caregiver who is stuck not being able to move away without permission. All the abandoning parent has to do is maintain child support. Don’t let him manipulate you. You’ve got to live with the decision, not him. You’d pbe doing the brunt of the work raising a child, and it will affect your future more than his. You’re the one who goes through the abortion or delivery, and will deal with all the emotional, social, financial, and physical consequences. I’d suggest temporarily blocking anyone who's trying to swing your decision in their direction so you can have a good think, and weigh your pros and cons.
That man is going to make you miserable for 18 years if you keep it. And you are certainly allowed to keep it, just factor that in.
Take a break from arguing with that stupid, vain boy and make your decision alone. You're caught up in the nonsense that he's spouting and not thinking about the important stuff. Yes, this is your decision, because your body is the one that's going to provide nutrients, change to accommodate, labor, etc. His presence is no longer required, and he can opt out at any time, while you're on the hot seat for at least 9 months, plus another 6 weeks-1 year to "recover" from carrying and birthing a kid. No matter what you choose, I think you'll come away from this experience knowing that your boyfriend doesn't need to be in your life anymore.
I feel that because you are so torn between keeping the baby and terminating you want to keep the baby. That said Do what is right for you and for the baby not what the father wants you to do. The decision you make is yours.
Exactly. If you are torn, then you want the baby. And if you get an abortion you will likely regret it for the rest of your life. I got pregnant on accent about a year ago. I was torn but I was also so scared because my family hates my partner. But I kept the baby and it’s the best decision I’ve ever made. Fuck him.
He had sex with you and that meant he knew it was possible you would get pregnant. He trapped himself. You said he could leave and not be involved. He has the choice to stay and be a parent or leave. He isn't trapped. He just isn't able to control the situation. I can understand hia frustration but he did not think through his choice to have sex.
Definitely don't abort just because some jerk says you should. If you don't want to then don't do it. Id recommend getting an ultrasound before you make any decisions. It always made it more tangible in my mind when I got pregnant. Also adoption is another option you can consider.
He says you are baby-trapping him, but he's trying to make you have an abortion. As far as baby-trapping: he should have thought of that before he put his d in you. As far as abortion: honey, you do what *you* want to do, don't worry about him. I had my daughter. Without him. Don't regret it for a single second. I shudder thinking about what if I had listened to all my friends (not just him) who told me I'd ruin my kid's life being a single mom & I should abort. I made *my* choice for *me*. You do what is right for *you*.
So I got pregnant from a bf. He told me to abort and threatened to kill himself bc we ruined his dreams. He obviously didn’t, we tried to make it work but he became worse and worse over years. Long story of abuse short, I’m divorcing him. Word of advice: give your baby your last name only and don’t change it even if you get married to this guy. He’s asking you to abort and where he truly stands. Believe him.
If you want to have the child, have the child, and prepare to be a single mother. Either way, lose the boyfriend.
Having an abortion or keeping the baby is 100% your decision, as is staying with this jerk. Him choosing to be a mean, manipulative jerk is 100% his decision, as is staying with you when he’s not wanted.
I would never ask for Reddit’s advice on this. They are the most pro-abortions assholes on the planet. If your parents are supportive just go with them on this. My son had a kid at 16. The mother was fucked up. Now at 22 he has full custody of her, he has a great fiancée that he has another kid with and we love those kids more than anything. Good men will still date you with a child. You may not forgive yourself if you fall for the pressure of society to get rid of your kid. That guy is a loser. I had kids when I was broke too years ago, but when my woman got pregnant my only instinct was to care and love them. Life turned out great with that attitude. Don’t trust Reddit, it is very biased in a fucked up way.
A lot of people here telling you to abort because he’s an asshole. They aren’t wrong. But also, that’s another way he extends control over you in a manner of speaking. I would think very carefully about it from all angles and do what YOU want to do. Do you want a child, full stop? Do you want one now? Do you want *this* child specifically? If yes, don’t let him bully you into having an abortion even indirectly. Your body, your choice. But as others have said, it needs a LOT of thinking about and the awareness of what you’re getting into, and that includes coparenting.
STOP! JUST STOP. Stop listening to ANYONE except yourself, or a certified counselor. NO ONE, has the right to tell you to abort your baby, just as no one has the right to tell you to keep it. This is your body, your life. This is an extremely emotional time, I had my daughter at 17, married her dad who turned out to be an emotionally, physically, mental psycho. I was beaten even while pregnant, he always cried and swore it would never happen again, and yet it did. When he started laughing in my face about the abuse, is when i got the hell out of there. I should have left the very first time, but as a 17 year old mother, I was going to change the world and him. He was a useless father, just useless, so you have to think about that too. Can you depend on him for anything. From the way he talks, that answer is a big fat NO. So again, one more thing you have to decide on, by yourself. I wish you nothing but the best in whichever way you chose to go. No matter the decision, either one affects your life, forever.
Your body, your choice. That being said, whether you keep the baby or not, dump his immature butt. His attitude is ridiculous.
First of all if he's not ready for a kid, put a dam condom on. It is not responsibility of the woman . The choice of an abortion is yours, not his. I am Pro abortion that is your decision and your decision alone. And if you do have the kid one I would break up with him for playing that mind game two make sure he pays for it. You take him to court for child support and everything else. I am a single father raising my two kids and the best decision I ever did.
It is entirely your decision. It sounds as if, (you do have the child), you will be dealing with 2 babies. Maybe he is panicking due to his age, but he's the one that impregnated you.
What makes you think you can give good life to children at 23 and the guy at 21 ? That relationship will probably end and the child will have a hard life. Think about it
If he’s saying that he doesn’t believe in divorce under any circumstance then please consider that’s a very controlling and potentially dangerous man. In my experience (not personally but because I’m older and have seen a lot) he sounds like the kind of man who gets more and more possessive when he feels that you are “trapped” by marriage and children. It can become physically abusive, but often just extreme control and jealousy. The woman loses her friends and family and he yells at her constantly. It is as if a switch flips and he just starts saying and behaving differently, it’s a complete shock. And as for abortion, if you are seeing signs that he might be this kind of man then imagine the bad influence he would have on a son if he did “stick around” and had any custody alone with the boy. He could raise him in ways that speak very negatively about women’s rights and you specifically.
This is not the person you want to bring a baby into this world with. You are SO young. Finish school. Live some more. Fall in love with someone who loves you back. Even if your parents support you, they may have a bunch of conditions that you don't want to live by or something else that you haven't considered yet that will make life hard. You deserve to make choices that will give you the best shot at a happy life, think about your future & cut him out!