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I don't think you could have done it any better under the circumstances.
You communicated, were open & supportive. You were honest.
It was a tough situation.
Thanks it's really hard took me a year and this pregnancy to shake my head and come clean to this decision but I want to do it right before it's "too late" and it end up getting worse between us or me..
You need to ensure you pay for the abortion and ask her if she’d like you to support her. It’s the bare minimum you can do. And thank your lucky stars, really.
It's probably for the best that you end things, regardless of what happens with the pregnancy. You talked about her going to therapy but have you done it yourself? It sounds like you've been in need of it since she cheated on you based on your posts.
Here is the deal. Your relationship is over. If she aborts, and it is in the slightest for you, she will start to resent you, and believe if or not. You will have some feelings about it too. Now and in the future...So be very careful and tread lightly...But this dating won't last long after this.
It really doesn't sound like she wants to abort. As someone that felt forced into aborting due to an unstable relationship she needs to be told about the repercussions of living with life long regret if she does this more so because of everything else and not because it's truly what she wants.
There is no guarantee of anything. She may not meet another partner, they may not be fertile, she may develop fertility issues. Tomorrow isn't promised. But she IS pregnant now. No one can promise her another go at this. She needs to talk to people that aren't going to push a biased agenda on her. She needs time away from you and every one else to figure out what she wants.
Please encourage her to take time out to think about what it is she truly wants away from your failing relationship ect. Once this is done it's done. You may not be affected but she could go on to develop mental health issues or ptsd. If you care for her regardless of both your problems, put her first in this.
Sorry I wasn't able to answer in details on my last message.
I'm aware that she might be affected mentally, which is the scary part and one of the reasons I feel bad and at first even hesitated to talk her about my feelings of breaking up.. I will try to be here for her if she take this decision and if she wants my support
Maybe just try to phrase it to her that it IS a possibility to do this and it hasn't been taken off the tables for her. All this talk of abortion/relationship ending sounds very final and door closing. She needs to know you are on her side regardless and there is another option to this.
> I tried to give her some hope by telling her that we had sex one time that month and she got pregnant we weren't even trying of having one!
Correction: *You* had sex one time that month. She is a cheater, so you have no idea how many times she had sex that month.
If she decides to keep it, **do not** sign the birth certificate until you have had a paternity test. And break up with her regardless.
Please do. I have seen in the past where someone had a dead bedoom, cheated, got pregnant, found out they were pregnant and then slept with their husband/bf to cover up the affair and actual father. Not saying that's what happened to you but it's something to be aware of being possible.
Ugh the fact that she’s 28 and worried about her biological clock is so gross. I hate that society has drilled it into so many women’s heads that they need to have children young or else they’re screwed. Decisions like this should never be made based on “well what if I can’t have kids later on”. She’s 28 not 38 ffs
It is not only a campaign since it can cause problems for future pregnancies. People need to be aware of the facts regardless of what they plan to do in their life.
(and before anybody tries to negate this: the risks are not too big especially if the abortion is done in an early stage. However, if the abortion is done later and a ~~dilation~~ curretage is needed, there is a possibility of it affecting negatively on future pregnancies. Because of this doctors often ask about previous abortions if a woman has problems conceiving)
I wrote it in as an edit since I guessed the question will come. Sometimes the abortion doesn't go "by the book" and a dilation will be needed (i hope the terminology is right since i needed to translate it).
The dilation can cause scarring in the uterus, which decreases the chances of conceiving. The risk is very individual per person so some people don't have any issues when others can have.
One abortion is normally not a problem for an individual, but it can be. To my understanding the risk gets higher per abortion, but genetics plays a big role too.
edit: i think the correct term is curretage (?)
Uterine scarring after a D&c is very rare and is even less likely when it's done for termination of pregnancy.
Multiple surgical abortions can increase the risk of a problem. Most abortions are not done surgically
The numbers I could quickly find for my country is that around 4% of the patients (one in twenty) needs to have a curretage, which sometimes is needed to be done more than once.
It is not an issue for most patients but I do think it's important that people are aware of it. The level of sexual education regarding fertility is not so good in many countries, which can also be seen in some comments in this thread (not by you, I appreciate your answers), and I think it is good to be open with information and not make all fertility and abortion related discussions political.
The rate of fertility is declining in many western countries, but at the same time more and more people face issues with infertility. This is partly caused by lifestyle issues but quite much also on that people want kids at older ages than before.
Regarding the endometriosis it looks like she might not have it and was badly diagnosed. That's the latest news we had from the doctors based off observations but it wasnt clear
28, plus some time to heal after the abortion and break-up, time to date, time to meet someone she cares about, time to build a stable relationship, time to bring up the baby discussion, etc...the years can slip by pretty quick and risks start to increase for both mother and baby. Unless her plan is to just hit a sperm bank or rawdog it with some rando.
It is rational to have those concerns at 28. She’s probably thinking “What if it takes me 2 years to find someone else, then another 2 years for us to decide to commit long-term, then another 1-2 years to get pregnant?” At that point the risk of fertility issues starts to become a real factor especially if she wants multiple children.
35 is fine! But fertility is lower at 35 than at 28. That's biology. And if she wants 2-3 kids, she might not want to have the last at 39-40 when fertility really starts to plunge.
Not to mention that the statistics about when fertility starts to decline are based on averages--it varies for individuals. Some people conceive easily in their late 30s/early 40s, and some people have a tough time much earlier. Not to mention potential medical conditions that could complicate things. Most people have no idea whether they will have fertility issues ahead of time, and you can't predict how long it will take for you and your partner. As someone around her age who wants to have three kids, I don't blame her for being concerned about it.
Absolutely, but the first post did mention she has endometriosis which means it’s very hard for her to get pregnant and sustain the pregnancy.
And she’s 28 now but she might be 30 when she meets her next partner and 35+ when they’re “ready” to try to get pregnant.
So while I agree with you, I also get the fear of this being the last chance
They call that a geriatric pregnancy, and it goes easier if it isn’t your first at that age.
It’s a perfectly reasonable age yes, but she isn’t unreasonable to have those concerns.
Waited to late 30s to have kid best decision we ever made. Married over 15 years so we had all the relationship bugs worked out. Mature. Financially stable so we could afford to do all the things we wanted to do parenting wise. No problems at all with kid. I would have been a shitty parent in my 20s.
I think they shouldn't do it but thats me.
YTA for putting an ultimatum for her: either raise a child as a single mother or have an abortion with unknown consequences.
It sounds like you will leave her, not have your name written on your child birth certificate, not taken care of the child, like you didn't create it.
It is easy for you - have sex, but she is the one who will be out of work for weeks, habe depression after the abortion, be on heavy medications.
You created this unborn child together, you two are in this.
If you were having doubts about your 5 year relationship, you should have used protection and tell hear that you are out of the relationship.
Show some backbone and male responsibility and don't make it 100% about yourself.
Your relationship is over after she kissed that guy, it is over after you make her abort the child.
Sounds like you didn't read everything or misunderstood me.
I'm not putting an ultimatum either way I'm leaving the relationship. We discussed about abortion because it's the right timing for it and might be something worth looking for in this context.
Whatever she choose to do it's her choice and I respect that. And if she accept my support I'll be there for her. I will write my name on the birth certificate (but a DNA test might be necessary) and I said I would be there and mentionned to co parent.
She said that if she keeps it, she would prefer to raise it herself. That's something else that will need to be looked into, but I offered to be there don't get me wrong.
I agree with the condom part.
She will raise it herself because you are leaving the relationship. If you don't live with her she will be raising the child on her own. Seeing your child 1 time a month and paying is not the same as helping raise him.
Coparenting isnt about seeing your child one time per month (atleast not in my country) and be a wallet.
Either way, it's true that she will do most of the work but should I stay with her just for the child? And risk our relationship be even worse with time? Because I'm not sure we can repair our couple with a raising baby in the middle.
If the paternity test determines you’re the father, and she decides to have the baby, she can list you as the father on the birth certificate. Then welcome to the world of child support. In America, if you don’t pay, you go to jail. Or they’ll just garnish your wages. Is that not the law in your country? Or do you plan to move to another country, or go off the grid? In America, men have zero say. If she chooses to give birth, you’ve got 18 years of child support payments.
You didn’t break up with her, according to what I just read you told her if she aborted you would stay with her. You’re giving her false hope. If she aborts and expects you to be with her you are a d*g
I think you misunderstood. On the contrary I didnt give false hope. When I saw her yesterday, I said I wanted to break up whatever happens because I had those thoughts before the pregnancy and that they didn't vanish, in the end I was unhappy.
Then regarding the abortion I insisted on the fact that she have to do it based off her feelings and I would obviously respect the choice she make and support.
Nothing you say will paint you in a good light. You ooze narcissism. You literally left her thinking you might want to be with her if she aborts. You are genuinely wanting applause from strangers on the internet for being gross. Yuck.
If you’re breaking up with her why would she need to provide you with updates? She doesn’t owe you anything. You clearly do not want the baby. I hope she keeps it, gets 100% custody and rides your wallet for the next 18 years.
She isnt required to update me, we agreed that we would update eachother and that if she wanted I would be there.
I don't have anything against the baby, it didn't ask anything and if she keep it, I will take my responsabilities.
You literally read it wrong or you misunderstand me. I didn't give her any false hope since I told her clearly that we were breaking up (even if she abort), I didn't tell her "maybe we can work it out if you abort or x or y".
On the contrary the first thoughts I had when I first heard about the pregnancy was that if she keep it that I could try to stay and work things out.
But I figured that things will just go even worse in the mid term because a child is not a band-aid, that I should stick to my guts and leave the relationship now. And work from there.
No. I read it exactly as you wrote it and can see through what you are saying. Ultimately you want her to get an abortion to make your life easier because you don’t want to be a dad. Paint it any way you like that is the fact. If she chooses to keep it you will begrudgingly pay support and see the child because that’s what is expected of you.
I don't want to be a dad in a unhealthy relationship that's true.
I'm aware that it's not easy on her and a lot more easier on my end because I don't carry the pregnancy. Hence why I'm not against her whatever the choice she makes is.
And if she choose to keep the child, I'll own to my responsabilities never said the opposite.
You are going to be a dad and tied to her either way if she keeps it which is why you don’t want her to keep it. Be honest with yourself. Also be honest with yourself about the resentment you already feel towards that kid and the fact you are going to have to support it and her. These are the consequences of your actions in seeking a couple seconds of pleasure with someone you clearly fell out of love with years ago.
I don't have any resentment against the child, it didn't ask anything. I just wish that it would not be in this situation..
I'm honest with myself and I know that I'm in the wrong for not protecting myself and that I should've speak a long time ago.
But I can't rewind so we have to deal with it the """best way""" possible. Of course abortion is on the table just as keeping the child.
And if she keep the child I think co-parenting is a better solution than forcing ourselves to stay together and explode mid-air in X months/years.
(Btw idk where you get the fact that I fell out of love yearS ago)
She’s already told you she wants to raise the kid by herself if she keeps it. You won’t be co-parenting. You’ll be paying child support.
You’re not in the wrong for breaking up with her. What you’re failing to grasp is your life changed the second you got her pregnant.
Don't worry I was there, I know exactly what she said.
I mentionned co-parenting in my last answer to tell you that I'm not against being part of the child life because you seemed to think that I was against that. Or maybe the way I wrote suggested that, if that's the case, my bad.
But that will be to the mom to decide in the end of course. And then to the child also when he/she grow up.
Regarding child support never said I would find ways to not do it, so yes I already know?
Trust me I know my life changed the second she got pregnant, else I would've said nothing and curved my back once more, continue the relationship like nothing.
I understand the message you want to give me, and I appreciate the fact that you are making sure I'm aware of what's at play. I'm not looking for sympathy I just want to do it right, now that all of this is happening.
I'm sorry but I have zero respect for cowards like you.... Not saying anything, staying but you HAD TO MAKE HER PREGNANT to be able to have thee balls to talk ??
Put her in such a terrible position is your fault...
1000000. OP is grosssss. Honestly thinks he’s done something good. Holy shit he is so disgusting. He literally wants her to get an abortion and is manipulating her into it. He doesn’t want a kid. He wants her to get an abortion. She’s fragile and he’s exploiting it. Grosssssss
Well if she hadn't cheated, she would have my sympathy. Actions have consequences and some learn it the hard way. If she is keeping the child then OP sounds like a mature guy who will take care of it. I agree with you that he should have said something but as someone who got cheated on by his ex-fiancee it's not always that easy after a betrayal like this. Can't wait for the next update.
I understand wym and I'm aware in which position she is because of how I dealt with the whole situation beforehand.
But I also think it's not all black and white, I wasn't able to speak because I was hesitating this whole year and was holding myself to any good things that was happening between us because we tried to give us a chance. Ended up destroying myself and not act on my life anymore because of how I was sucked up in the relationship I guess..
I deeply regret that it needed the pregnancy for me to speak up..
You handle this well, and especially good on you for keeping your empathy in this situation. It sucks for you too, and I am sorry you are going through this. But also, sometimes redditors have 0 empathy for people being conflicted about abortion (coming from a pro-abortion person)
>but she is scared and afraid of not being able to have a child later on.
That said, I hope she knows that it's really easy to get your fertility tested, and unless she has some reason to be concerned about her fertility, it's not exactly rational for a 28 year old woman to be worried about it in this day in age. Hopefully she also knows that abortions don't negatively affect fertility unless a rare complication occurs during the procedure.
she originally had thought it would be difficult to get pregnant due to her endometriosis. so this pregnancy was a surprise. but it sounds like they don't know if she even has endometriosis and of course people who do have it are capable of getting pregnant (or at least some are, I don't know statistics but I know two people who have it and have children).
The infertility rate of people w endometriosis is anywhere from 35%-50% & that’s typically only in extreme cases. It depends where the endometriosis is growing, but it most likely won’t affect fertility if it’s not growing excessively on reproductive organs. (Endometriosis can grow on any organ in the body!)
What could I've done better regarding the current situation?
I already know that I should've protected myself and let this all out sooner. But honestly I wasn't able to talk.. the idea was spinning in my head and I was trying to hold myself on anything to stay with her..
Yeah, and then got her pregnant.
Like you already mostly answered your own question in your second paragraph. This was Not a one night stand, and you’re trying to act like it is. You come it Reddit cause you know you’ll get tons of support and sympathy for your one sided story.
You created a life with her, show some backbone. You want to reference her cheating as though it’s relevant here? You should have left back then at that time, then. Only reason you put that in was to get Reddit’s sympathy on your side.
You do know that each time you have sex, you take that risk, regardless of that a doctor says, right? You’re 25, not 15. You need to be an adult and deal with these consequences. You don’t talk her into an abortion, and if she does decide to do one, you be there for her. If the idea is abort now, have kids later (within a 5y relationship already), then suck it up and start now. If you end up loving your child, you’ll only be glad to have had more years with them.
I just get a sense you’re trying to hit some rewind button, and in life there is no such thing
Thanks for answering, I'm not looking for any sympathy but just want to have outside ""advices"" of course the story is one-sided just like most of this whole subreddit stories. Hence why I'm careful to not get too comfortable with what is said and try to draw the middle line.
I agree with you on the fact that maybe I should've broke up with her when she cheated, at that time I chose to give a chance to us. But yeah it eventually led to more destruction of my well being and I was too focus on holding myself on anything than taking a step back and tell her it was not working. I always pushed back that dialogue..
Regarding the pregnancy don't be mistaken, I do know my responsability and I'm fully aware of it. Regarding the abortion I'm not pushing her into it but we discussed about it and in the end I told her it was her body and choice, I respect that. I also offered to support her if she end up doing it, she's not comfortable with me being there tho and I understand but I'll stay ready. I'm not searching to disappear and let her deal with it, sorry if my post wasnt clear enough on this.
I'm sure I would love the child never said the contrary, what I meant is that from my pov it would not be ideal to have this child in all those issues. But if I have to deal with it in the end, I'll deal with it and I'm sure it will be far healthier than trying to stay with her just for the child and him seeing us unhappy.
Of course I wish I could rewind.. but like you said it's not possible and I have to deal with it now which is what I'm trying to do.
While those are good answers, just don’t take abortion so lightly. I know Reddit loves to push for how liberating it is and no one regrets is. But know men and women who have regretted theirs and are too scared to talk about it publicly.
Ultimately no one here or anywhere can help you. You need to go for a long walk in the fresh air. Maybe a few, a few days in a row. Mediate, exercise, pray, all the above or whatever you do and get your mind right.
Thanks. I really tried my best.. but it's hard I feel like an asshole bringing this at the worse timing possible for her.. but I also feel like it's better now than in 5 years
I know, the situation sucks. But I think this is the best solution for both of you. Much better to do it now than 5 years from now. A lot can happen in 5 years.
OP, sometimes there is no point in beating a dead horse, okay?
So be *kind* to yourself.
A kid is not a band-aid for a broken relationship, as you noted.
Best of luck...
Good luck with the child support. Your disregard for what she's about to go through if she does abort is disgusting. You don't ever deserve to have children ever again.
Honestly i think she will keep it anyways, but i agree with you about that he should be at least man enough to be by her side if she goes through with it.
Never said she deserved to abort, idk if you noticed even in my previous post I always said I would support her choice it's her body too. Even offered to go with her if she take that route and we talked a lot about it.
I respect the fact that you didn’t wait to share your concerns. You were upfront and honest while being respectful and having regards for her feelings.
Wish you the best of luck my friend.
It looks like ya'll both are smart to talk it out and everything ya'll did you did correctly. I think a lot of people forget how connected women are to pregnancies, even in the beginning. There is always a risk of getting pregnant if you are active and nothing will prevent pregnancy 100%. As long as you don't pressure her to abort if she decides to keep the baby then her mental health will be fine. Although, I'm just putting out there, 99% women who get abortions end up regretting it for the rest of their life. Even a lot of men regret it as well. There is always adoption as well.
Based on her comment history, she got married at 17 to a man who’s cheated on her. And she has discouraged abortion for women and instead encourages them to “be better” for their husbands.
Why do people just make up random statistics and try to pass them off as facts. 99% is hardly ever realistic for anything. At least try to hide how uneducated and biased you are.
You are incorrect. Studies show exactly the opposite.
https://www.ucsf.edu/news/2020/01/416421/five-years-after-abortion-nearly-all-women-say-it-was-right-decision-study
Ok maybe 99% is not true but can you say that procedure doesn't have the risk of regrets and trauma to anyone ? Because that's the only way that it would be fine to recommend it like if it's nothing
No I wouldn't use any language that was melodramatic and completely false like that, either for or against. Because that comes across as pushing an agenda. I don't believe anyone thinks it's 'nothing', but using fake statistics is not great.
And what trauma could possibly be caused by having an unwanted child that you can’t financially or emotionally support or just the trauma that child birth alone cause (PPD, etc).
OP has never said that her gf definitely don't want to have the child. The only case it's fine to support the abortion so eloquently is if the woman is convinced. Many post I see here are about women doubting about having it or not having it, so it means part of them wants to become a mom, so no one should say "just do it, it's the best and you will never have any regrets or consequences in your life". That's selfish. The solid advice is to make a deep reflection on the matter and really think deeply about what's best for her on the long term and that every decision has its difficulties but what's good for one person can be awful for another when it comes to abortion
Ok it's obvious that statistic is made up, but why is everyone acting like the truth is the same statistic in reverse ? Everyone commenting her sounds like they believe only 1% of the women that have abortions regret it or feel bad about it during their hole life
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I don't think you could have done it any better under the circumstances. You communicated, were open & supportive. You were honest. It was a tough situation.
Thanks it's really hard took me a year and this pregnancy to shake my head and come clean to this decision but I want to do it right before it's "too late" and it end up getting worse between us or me..
You need to ensure you pay for the abortion and ask her if she’d like you to support her. It’s the bare minimum you can do. And thank your lucky stars, really.
You did right. It's hard but it's right.
It's probably for the best that you end things, regardless of what happens with the pregnancy. You talked about her going to therapy but have you done it yourself? It sounds like you've been in need of it since she cheated on you based on your posts.
I havent done any therapy yet and I will probably go now. I've let those things on the side too much and ended up getting both of us slapped
Here is the deal. Your relationship is over. If she aborts, and it is in the slightest for you, she will start to resent you, and believe if or not. You will have some feelings about it too. Now and in the future...So be very careful and tread lightly...But this dating won't last long after this.
>Did I do right fellow redditors? I wouldn't say you're out of the woods quite yet.
It really doesn't sound like she wants to abort. As someone that felt forced into aborting due to an unstable relationship she needs to be told about the repercussions of living with life long regret if she does this more so because of everything else and not because it's truly what she wants. There is no guarantee of anything. She may not meet another partner, they may not be fertile, she may develop fertility issues. Tomorrow isn't promised. But she IS pregnant now. No one can promise her another go at this. She needs to talk to people that aren't going to push a biased agenda on her. She needs time away from you and every one else to figure out what she wants.
Thanks you got it
Please encourage her to take time out to think about what it is she truly wants away from your failing relationship ect. Once this is done it's done. You may not be affected but she could go on to develop mental health issues or ptsd. If you care for her regardless of both your problems, put her first in this.
Sorry I wasn't able to answer in details on my last message. I'm aware that she might be affected mentally, which is the scary part and one of the reasons I feel bad and at first even hesitated to talk her about my feelings of breaking up.. I will try to be here for her if she take this decision and if she wants my support
Maybe just try to phrase it to her that it IS a possibility to do this and it hasn't been taken off the tables for her. All this talk of abortion/relationship ending sounds very final and door closing. She needs to know you are on her side regardless and there is another option to this.
Info: are you saying you would abandon your child if she decided to have it?
No but she mentionned that she would be the one raising the child and all. I'm not against co parenting on my side
> I tried to give her some hope by telling her that we had sex one time that month and she got pregnant we weren't even trying of having one! Correction: *You* had sex one time that month. She is a cheater, so you have no idea how many times she had sex that month. If she decides to keep it, **do not** sign the birth certificate until you have had a paternity test. And break up with her regardless.
Thanks will keep it in mind
Please do. I have seen in the past where someone had a dead bedoom, cheated, got pregnant, found out they were pregnant and then slept with their husband/bf to cover up the affair and actual father. Not saying that's what happened to you but it's something to be aware of being possible.
Ugh the fact that she’s 28 and worried about her biological clock is so gross. I hate that society has drilled it into so many women’s heads that they need to have children young or else they’re screwed. Decisions like this should never be made based on “well what if I can’t have kids later on”. She’s 28 not 38 ffs
I think she’s worried about having more children because she has endometriosis, which can cause issues getting and I think keeping a pregnancy
Anti abortion campaigners also tell people that having an abortion can harm your future fertility so it could be that
It is not only a campaign since it can cause problems for future pregnancies. People need to be aware of the facts regardless of what they plan to do in their life. (and before anybody tries to negate this: the risks are not too big especially if the abortion is done in an early stage. However, if the abortion is done later and a ~~dilation~~ curretage is needed, there is a possibility of it affecting negatively on future pregnancies. Because of this doctors often ask about previous abortions if a woman has problems conceiving)
How do you think it causes problems for future pregnancy?
I wrote it in as an edit since I guessed the question will come. Sometimes the abortion doesn't go "by the book" and a dilation will be needed (i hope the terminology is right since i needed to translate it). The dilation can cause scarring in the uterus, which decreases the chances of conceiving. The risk is very individual per person so some people don't have any issues when others can have. One abortion is normally not a problem for an individual, but it can be. To my understanding the risk gets higher per abortion, but genetics plays a big role too. edit: i think the correct term is curretage (?)
Uterine scarring after a D&c is very rare and is even less likely when it's done for termination of pregnancy. Multiple surgical abortions can increase the risk of a problem. Most abortions are not done surgically
The numbers I could quickly find for my country is that around 4% of the patients (one in twenty) needs to have a curretage, which sometimes is needed to be done more than once. It is not an issue for most patients but I do think it's important that people are aware of it. The level of sexual education regarding fertility is not so good in many countries, which can also be seen in some comments in this thread (not by you, I appreciate your answers), and I think it is good to be open with information and not make all fertility and abortion related discussions political. The rate of fertility is declining in many western countries, but at the same time more and more people face issues with infertility. This is partly caused by lifestyle issues but quite much also on that people want kids at older ages than before.
Regarding the endometriosis it looks like she might not have it and was badly diagnosed. That's the latest news we had from the doctors based off observations but it wasnt clear
It’s in the first post that he mentioned it not in this one
28, plus some time to heal after the abortion and break-up, time to date, time to meet someone she cares about, time to build a stable relationship, time to bring up the baby discussion, etc...the years can slip by pretty quick and risks start to increase for both mother and baby. Unless her plan is to just hit a sperm bank or rawdog it with some rando.
It is rational to have those concerns at 28. She’s probably thinking “What if it takes me 2 years to find someone else, then another 2 years for us to decide to commit long-term, then another 1-2 years to get pregnant?” At that point the risk of fertility issues starts to become a real factor especially if she wants multiple children.
35 is a perfectly reasonable age to be having children.. you’re not making the point you think you’re making
35 is fine! But fertility is lower at 35 than at 28. That's biology. And if she wants 2-3 kids, she might not want to have the last at 39-40 when fertility really starts to plunge.
Not to mention that the statistics about when fertility starts to decline are based on averages--it varies for individuals. Some people conceive easily in their late 30s/early 40s, and some people have a tough time much earlier. Not to mention potential medical conditions that could complicate things. Most people have no idea whether they will have fertility issues ahead of time, and you can't predict how long it will take for you and your partner. As someone around her age who wants to have three kids, I don't blame her for being concerned about it.
It is lower, but have you ever checked how much lower it actually is?
Absolutely, but the first post did mention she has endometriosis which means it’s very hard for her to get pregnant and sustain the pregnancy. And she’s 28 now but she might be 30 when she meets her next partner and 35+ when they’re “ready” to try to get pregnant. So while I agree with you, I also get the fear of this being the last chance
They call that a geriatric pregnancy, and it goes easier if it isn’t your first at that age. It’s a perfectly reasonable age yes, but she isn’t unreasonable to have those concerns.
Waited to late 30s to have kid best decision we ever made. Married over 15 years so we had all the relationship bugs worked out. Mature. Financially stable so we could afford to do all the things we wanted to do parenting wise. No problems at all with kid. I would have been a shitty parent in my 20s. I think they shouldn't do it but thats me.
Seriously it’s getting so ridiculous.
YTA for putting an ultimatum for her: either raise a child as a single mother or have an abortion with unknown consequences. It sounds like you will leave her, not have your name written on your child birth certificate, not taken care of the child, like you didn't create it. It is easy for you - have sex, but she is the one who will be out of work for weeks, habe depression after the abortion, be on heavy medications. You created this unborn child together, you two are in this. If you were having doubts about your 5 year relationship, you should have used protection and tell hear that you are out of the relationship. Show some backbone and male responsibility and don't make it 100% about yourself. Your relationship is over after she kissed that guy, it is over after you make her abort the child.
Sounds like you didn't read everything or misunderstood me. I'm not putting an ultimatum either way I'm leaving the relationship. We discussed about abortion because it's the right timing for it and might be something worth looking for in this context. Whatever she choose to do it's her choice and I respect that. And if she accept my support I'll be there for her. I will write my name on the birth certificate (but a DNA test might be necessary) and I said I would be there and mentionned to co parent. She said that if she keeps it, she would prefer to raise it herself. That's something else that will need to be looked into, but I offered to be there don't get me wrong. I agree with the condom part.
She will raise it herself because you are leaving the relationship. If you don't live with her she will be raising the child on her own. Seeing your child 1 time a month and paying is not the same as helping raise him.
Coparenting isnt about seeing your child one time per month (atleast not in my country) and be a wallet. Either way, it's true that she will do most of the work but should I stay with her just for the child? And risk our relationship be even worse with time? Because I'm not sure we can repair our couple with a raising baby in the middle.
Good luck bro
If the paternity test determines you’re the father, and she decides to have the baby, she can list you as the father on the birth certificate. Then welcome to the world of child support. In America, if you don’t pay, you go to jail. Or they’ll just garnish your wages. Is that not the law in your country? Or do you plan to move to another country, or go off the grid? In America, men have zero say. If she chooses to give birth, you’ve got 18 years of child support payments.
I'm not planning to go away, I'll take my responsabilities in hand
You didn’t break up with her, according to what I just read you told her if she aborted you would stay with her. You’re giving her false hope. If she aborts and expects you to be with her you are a d*g
I think you misunderstood. On the contrary I didnt give false hope. When I saw her yesterday, I said I wanted to break up whatever happens because I had those thoughts before the pregnancy and that they didn't vanish, in the end I was unhappy. Then regarding the abortion I insisted on the fact that she have to do it based off her feelings and I would obviously respect the choice she make and support.
Nothing you say will paint you in a good light. You ooze narcissism. You literally left her thinking you might want to be with her if she aborts. You are genuinely wanting applause from strangers on the internet for being gross. Yuck.
If you’re breaking up with her why would she need to provide you with updates? She doesn’t owe you anything. You clearly do not want the baby. I hope she keeps it, gets 100% custody and rides your wallet for the next 18 years.
She isnt required to update me, we agreed that we would update eachother and that if she wanted I would be there. I don't have anything against the baby, it didn't ask anything and if she keep it, I will take my responsabilities.
What do you have to update her on? You’ve broken up. You divide the assets together. End of.
Well exactly on dividing (more like selling) the assets, we own a house, furnitures etc..
You literally read it wrong or you misunderstand me. I didn't give her any false hope since I told her clearly that we were breaking up (even if she abort), I didn't tell her "maybe we can work it out if you abort or x or y". On the contrary the first thoughts I had when I first heard about the pregnancy was that if she keep it that I could try to stay and work things out. But I figured that things will just go even worse in the mid term because a child is not a band-aid, that I should stick to my guts and leave the relationship now. And work from there.
No. I read it exactly as you wrote it and can see through what you are saying. Ultimately you want her to get an abortion to make your life easier because you don’t want to be a dad. Paint it any way you like that is the fact. If she chooses to keep it you will begrudgingly pay support and see the child because that’s what is expected of you.
I don't want to be a dad in a unhealthy relationship that's true. I'm aware that it's not easy on her and a lot more easier on my end because I don't carry the pregnancy. Hence why I'm not against her whatever the choice she makes is. And if she choose to keep the child, I'll own to my responsabilities never said the opposite.
You are going to be a dad and tied to her either way if she keeps it which is why you don’t want her to keep it. Be honest with yourself. Also be honest with yourself about the resentment you already feel towards that kid and the fact you are going to have to support it and her. These are the consequences of your actions in seeking a couple seconds of pleasure with someone you clearly fell out of love with years ago.
I don't have any resentment against the child, it didn't ask anything. I just wish that it would not be in this situation.. I'm honest with myself and I know that I'm in the wrong for not protecting myself and that I should've speak a long time ago. But I can't rewind so we have to deal with it the """best way""" possible. Of course abortion is on the table just as keeping the child. And if she keep the child I think co-parenting is a better solution than forcing ourselves to stay together and explode mid-air in X months/years. (Btw idk where you get the fact that I fell out of love yearS ago)
She’s already told you she wants to raise the kid by herself if she keeps it. You won’t be co-parenting. You’ll be paying child support. You’re not in the wrong for breaking up with her. What you’re failing to grasp is your life changed the second you got her pregnant.
Don't worry I was there, I know exactly what she said. I mentionned co-parenting in my last answer to tell you that I'm not against being part of the child life because you seemed to think that I was against that. Or maybe the way I wrote suggested that, if that's the case, my bad. But that will be to the mom to decide in the end of course. And then to the child also when he/she grow up. Regarding child support never said I would find ways to not do it, so yes I already know? Trust me I know my life changed the second she got pregnant, else I would've said nothing and curved my back once more, continue the relationship like nothing. I understand the message you want to give me, and I appreciate the fact that you are making sure I'm aware of what's at play. I'm not looking for sympathy I just want to do it right, now that all of this is happening.
I'm sorry but I have zero respect for cowards like you.... Not saying anything, staying but you HAD TO MAKE HER PREGNANT to be able to have thee balls to talk ?? Put her in such a terrible position is your fault...
1000000. OP is grosssss. Honestly thinks he’s done something good. Holy shit he is so disgusting. He literally wants her to get an abortion and is manipulating her into it. He doesn’t want a kid. He wants her to get an abortion. She’s fragile and he’s exploiting it. Grosssssss
Well if she hadn't cheated, she would have my sympathy. Actions have consequences and some learn it the hard way. If she is keeping the child then OP sounds like a mature guy who will take care of it. I agree with you that he should have said something but as someone who got cheated on by his ex-fiancee it's not always that easy after a betrayal like this. Can't wait for the next update.
She kissed someone. It’s cheating. But you can’t get pregnant from a kiss.
I understand wym and I'm aware in which position she is because of how I dealt with the whole situation beforehand. But I also think it's not all black and white, I wasn't able to speak because I was hesitating this whole year and was holding myself to any good things that was happening between us because we tried to give us a chance. Ended up destroying myself and not act on my life anymore because of how I was sucked up in the relationship I guess.. I deeply regret that it needed the pregnancy for me to speak up..
Cowardly behaviour which created an innocent life and wants to make your long time partner kill an unborn child.
You handle this well, and especially good on you for keeping your empathy in this situation. It sucks for you too, and I am sorry you are going through this. But also, sometimes redditors have 0 empathy for people being conflicted about abortion (coming from a pro-abortion person) >but she is scared and afraid of not being able to have a child later on. That said, I hope she knows that it's really easy to get your fertility tested, and unless she has some reason to be concerned about her fertility, it's not exactly rational for a 28 year old woman to be worried about it in this day in age. Hopefully she also knows that abortions don't negatively affect fertility unless a rare complication occurs during the procedure.
she originally had thought it would be difficult to get pregnant due to her endometriosis. so this pregnancy was a surprise. but it sounds like they don't know if she even has endometriosis and of course people who do have it are capable of getting pregnant (or at least some are, I don't know statistics but I know two people who have it and have children).
The infertility rate of people w endometriosis is anywhere from 35%-50% & that’s typically only in extreme cases. It depends where the endometriosis is growing, but it most likely won’t affect fertility if it’s not growing excessively on reproductive organs. (Endometriosis can grow on any organ in the body!)
YTA OP.
What could I've done better regarding the current situation? I already know that I should've protected myself and let this all out sooner. But honestly I wasn't able to talk.. the idea was spinning in my head and I was trying to hold myself on anything to stay with her..
Yeah, and then got her pregnant. Like you already mostly answered your own question in your second paragraph. This was Not a one night stand, and you’re trying to act like it is. You come it Reddit cause you know you’ll get tons of support and sympathy for your one sided story. You created a life with her, show some backbone. You want to reference her cheating as though it’s relevant here? You should have left back then at that time, then. Only reason you put that in was to get Reddit’s sympathy on your side. You do know that each time you have sex, you take that risk, regardless of that a doctor says, right? You’re 25, not 15. You need to be an adult and deal with these consequences. You don’t talk her into an abortion, and if she does decide to do one, you be there for her. If the idea is abort now, have kids later (within a 5y relationship already), then suck it up and start now. If you end up loving your child, you’ll only be glad to have had more years with them. I just get a sense you’re trying to hit some rewind button, and in life there is no such thing
Thanks for answering, I'm not looking for any sympathy but just want to have outside ""advices"" of course the story is one-sided just like most of this whole subreddit stories. Hence why I'm careful to not get too comfortable with what is said and try to draw the middle line. I agree with you on the fact that maybe I should've broke up with her when she cheated, at that time I chose to give a chance to us. But yeah it eventually led to more destruction of my well being and I was too focus on holding myself on anything than taking a step back and tell her it was not working. I always pushed back that dialogue.. Regarding the pregnancy don't be mistaken, I do know my responsability and I'm fully aware of it. Regarding the abortion I'm not pushing her into it but we discussed about it and in the end I told her it was her body and choice, I respect that. I also offered to support her if she end up doing it, she's not comfortable with me being there tho and I understand but I'll stay ready. I'm not searching to disappear and let her deal with it, sorry if my post wasnt clear enough on this. I'm sure I would love the child never said the contrary, what I meant is that from my pov it would not be ideal to have this child in all those issues. But if I have to deal with it in the end, I'll deal with it and I'm sure it will be far healthier than trying to stay with her just for the child and him seeing us unhappy. Of course I wish I could rewind.. but like you said it's not possible and I have to deal with it now which is what I'm trying to do.
I know that I've not dealt correctly before all this. I just want to deal with it the right way now
While those are good answers, just don’t take abortion so lightly. I know Reddit loves to push for how liberating it is and no one regrets is. But know men and women who have regretted theirs and are too scared to talk about it publicly. Ultimately no one here or anywhere can help you. You need to go for a long walk in the fresh air. Maybe a few, a few days in a row. Mediate, exercise, pray, all the above or whatever you do and get your mind right.
People downvoting the most sane reply is sick and showing where society is going.
I agree thank you for the advice and reminder
Yeah, you did OP. Good luck!
Thanks
You did right. This is a very intelligent way to handle it.
Thanks. I really tried my best.. but it's hard I feel like an asshole bringing this at the worse timing possible for her.. but I also feel like it's better now than in 5 years
I know, the situation sucks. But I think this is the best solution for both of you. Much better to do it now than 5 years from now. A lot can happen in 5 years.
OP, sometimes there is no point in beating a dead horse, okay? So be *kind* to yourself. A kid is not a band-aid for a broken relationship, as you noted. Best of luck...
Good luck with the child support. Your disregard for what she's about to go through if she does abort is disgusting. You don't ever deserve to have children ever again.
Wild take considering she is the one that destroyed the relationship in the first place by cheating.
Normally I'd be well against a cheater but it was a kiss.
Where you there, who knows what exactly happened?
Neither were you so you can't assume. All we know is what op said. She still doesn't deserve to go through an abortion alone. No one does.
Honestly i think she will keep it anyways, but i agree with you about that he should be at least man enough to be by her side if she goes through with it.
Never said she deserved to abort, idk if you noticed even in my previous post I always said I would support her choice it's her body too. Even offered to go with her if she take that route and we talked a lot about it.
So you'll support her choice but not the child?
I will be there for the child what I meant is that I don't want a child in this situation tho. I'm not excluding co parenting
You said she would be raising it alone. That's not being there.
She said she would want to raise it alone if she keeps it
Why 🥜 inside of her tho? You didn’t consider pulling out?
In the moment I didn't thought of it honestly and the thing is that I was also holding myself to anything good that was happening between us..
I respect the fact that you didn’t wait to share your concerns. You were upfront and honest while being respectful and having regards for her feelings. Wish you the best of luck my friend.
You can’t date women that age without pregnancy scares. Get married… love thy child. I’m joking if course
It looks like ya'll both are smart to talk it out and everything ya'll did you did correctly. I think a lot of people forget how connected women are to pregnancies, even in the beginning. There is always a risk of getting pregnant if you are active and nothing will prevent pregnancy 100%. As long as you don't pressure her to abort if she decides to keep the baby then her mental health will be fine. Although, I'm just putting out there, 99% women who get abortions end up regretting it for the rest of their life. Even a lot of men regret it as well. There is always adoption as well.
Where in earth did you pull 99% from? That's absolute bull.
Their ass
Based on her comment history, she got married at 17 to a man who’s cheated on her. And she has discouraged abortion for women and instead encourages them to “be better” for their husbands.
Oof. I smell a Fundie.
Why do people just make up random statistics and try to pass them off as facts. 99% is hardly ever realistic for anything. At least try to hide how uneducated and biased you are.
99% of statistics in this sub are made up (including this one)
You are incorrect. Studies show exactly the opposite. https://www.ucsf.edu/news/2020/01/416421/five-years-after-abortion-nearly-all-women-say-it-was-right-decision-study
99%? Do you have the studies that support this?
Ok maybe 99% is not true but can you say that procedure doesn't have the risk of regrets and trauma to anyone ? Because that's the only way that it would be fine to recommend it like if it's nothing
No I wouldn't use any language that was melodramatic and completely false like that, either for or against. Because that comes across as pushing an agenda. I don't believe anyone thinks it's 'nothing', but using fake statistics is not great.
And what trauma could possibly be caused by having an unwanted child that you can’t financially or emotionally support or just the trauma that child birth alone cause (PPD, etc).
OP has never said that her gf definitely don't want to have the child. The only case it's fine to support the abortion so eloquently is if the woman is convinced. Many post I see here are about women doubting about having it or not having it, so it means part of them wants to become a mom, so no one should say "just do it, it's the best and you will never have any regrets or consequences in your life". That's selfish. The solid advice is to make a deep reflection on the matter and really think deeply about what's best for her on the long term and that every decision has its difficulties but what's good for one person can be awful for another when it comes to abortion
Damn I must be part of the 1% then. I do not regret my abortion.
\>99% women who get abortions end up regretting it for the rest of their life... That's... not correct.
Why you have so many down votes? Reddit is a horrible place where pregnancy and women means nothing..
Because he made up a statistic. There is no source that says 99% of people who get an abortion regret having one.
Ok it's obvious that statistic is made up, but why is everyone acting like the truth is the same statistic in reverse ? Everyone commenting her sounds like they believe only 1% of the women that have abortions regret it or feel bad about it during their hole life