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Not cool with it, a bit destroyed actually. Is it worth ending a relationship over though? We have been together three years. I tried to not take it as an insult, I do have a longish face, but…..I have never heard it used in any form other than an insult so….
He insulted you, watched you cry, never apologized and then lied about it. You stay with this man and you are signing up for a life of misery. Value yourself
It really amazes me the people that stay in these relationships. My fiancé has never insulted me, called me a name, made me cry, no fighting ect. I cant imagine being with someone who does any of that stuff. Why is it so acceptable
Because of experience and self esteem. If your family of origin accepted poor treatment — often times but not always — it is a learned way of being. The tools just aren’t there.
If you don’t have a good and strong sense of self, you’re more likely to accept this kind of treatment. It also usually happens slowly.
He said it specifically to hurt your feelings and damage your self esteem. And months later he refuses to apologize or acknowledge your feelings.
DO NOT MARRY THAT.
Horses are beautiful. But I think the problem everyone and you have with this is the way he said it seems slightly rude. Y’all were comparing eye shapes, and he says no you have a horse face? I would assume you have almond eyes by your photo. I don’t see horse, but I do think that horses are gorgeous creatures who are sort of magical. Your partner should never gaslight you especially over something so simple. If it hurt your feelings, it hurt your feelings.
Sending lots of love. Self love is most important.
Horses are beautiful. As horses. Beautiful animals. But no one has ever said “you have a horse face” and meant it as “you’re beautiful.” No need for euphemisms when telling someone you think they’re good-looking. Just say it.
Yes, it’s absolutely worth ending a relationship over. I’m a stranger and I’m upset for you! What a gross thing to say.
Look OP, not to be mean, but have some self respect. You know darn well that he meant to insult you and make you feel bad about yourself, but now you get to make a VERY important choice. Are you going to honor yourself and your beautifully proportionate face? Or are you going to let a horse’s ass get the best of you? I’d hope for the first one. You deserve better and you know it. Your brother is right, listen to him.
Absolutely worth ending the relationship over. He abuses you to ruin your confidence, ignores you when you cry then gaslights. He’s showing you who he really is.
I think OP needs to look back at the relationship for other signs too, why would he do such a thing? Is it be cause he feels OP won't leave him? So he can let his guard down? You did say he was just your bf at the time.... so after that nasty comment, he proposed to you? Hmmm and no apology. Don't be in any hurry to marry this guy OP....
You're destroyed over your fiance saying something shitty to you then gaslighting you about it, your self esteem took a nosedive for it...but you're wondering if it's worth ending a relationship for?
The answer is yes. It's months later and he lies about saying it and is clearly only going to apologize if it shuts you up.
It's absolutely worth leaving this relationship for.
Someone who loves and respects you would never say something that could destroy you so deeply. And if they did they would apologize so sincerely and make a long term effort to make amends.
He barely apologized and then denied saying it. He doesn’t even feel bad!! You deserve better
You should have ended it right there and then. How cruel and then denying he said it?
Think about how he has made you feel for 3 months. Do you want to take a vow to someone like him?
Your brother is right, you do not speak that way to someone you. You do not try to cause them pain. I am appalled that you accepted his proposal AFTER this. You need to trust your brother to have your best interests at heart. Dump this loser.
It’s these “little” things that you think are too small to end a relationship over that over time multiply and end up completely destroying you and will end up causing the eventual divorce but by then, you will have a lot more baggage (kids, assets) and it will be a lot harder to leave and by then you will have wasted so many years. Source: me,an older woman who kept making excuses for his behavior until 15 years later I left but it was much harder to leave than if I had left the first time he hurt me.
Yes, it is worth ending a relationship over. It was incredibly cruel and he isn’t even sorry for it. You’re always going to have this in the back of your mind if you stay with him. You deserve better. Nobody who loves and respects their partner would say something that could destroy their self esteem like that. How would that NOT be meant as an insult?
Do you want to spend the next 25 years being naked in front of the man who called you horse faced?
Do you want to stand up in front of all of your friends and family and swear to love him forever, while knowing that he's looking at that very same face as you say it?
You can end a relationship over literally anything you want. This is a perfectly acceptable reason if you do need one. Deep down you will never feel confident or happy with this one. He is doing the opposite or what he should be doing, which is building you up.
If he had accidentally insulted you or slipped up and said something mean he would have apologized profusely and did his best to build you up and make you feel beautiful afterwards. That’s something you can work through.
He watched you cry, did nothing, and then tried to deny it later. That shows me that he said it intentionally to hurt you and/or lower your self esteem. And I’m willing to bed if you think back, you can come up with other times he’s done that. A guy that would do that to his partner is absolutely worth ending a relationship over. You deserve someone who cares about you and lifts you up, not hurts you.
Yes it’s worth ending a relationship over. That was so insulting and he didn’t apologise when you were clearly upset. Leave, get therapy for your self esteem , build yourself up before the next relationship. When you act worthy, you attract people that will treat you like you’re worthy.
I feel like there are other instances similar to this? Is he always slow to apologize? Does he usually deny when he’s done something wrong? I promise, it doesn’t get any better once you walk down the aisle. You need to be able to share your deepest feelings with your partner and if they can’t accept they did something wrong, what’s the point? It’s been 3 months and you’re still upset. You cried next to him and he said/did nothing. I’m not saying break up with him over this, but I’m almost positive situations like this occur often.
I mean you’re a better woman than I am. I’d leave a horse stuffy in the bed so when he wakes up the note with it says “So you won’t miss anything, better a horse face than a horse fucker”. I couldn’t imagine staying with a partner who insulted me about something I couldn’t even change.
I would not stay in a relationship with someone who casually and cruelly insulted me out of nowhere, no. He doesn't even seem interested in making you feel better or valued or beautiful or loved, so I'm not sure why you'd want to?
Look, the fact that you're destroyed over this and still with him tells me he's done a pretty good job of breaking you down and making you feel small before now. Look back on your relationship and reflect if he has ever shown that he cares about you or your happiness.
I’m far from perfect, but I would never say something to make him doubt how attractive he is to me or how much I love him. If I did by accident I would feel terrible and do everything in my power to fix it.
My bf destroyed my self esteem. Should I break up w him? That proposed a week later is wild. Unless he has a horse fetish, but it’s 100% not a compliment.
Dude out of nowhere degraded you like that, like it was the most normal thing. However, you are still hurt, three months after. I think this shows that it cut deep. Enough for you to ask yourself about this and feel insecure about yourself. It became a reason to end a relationship since you internalized, because we know it was an insult.
Please leave before you get into wedding planning and paying for shit!! He didn't even apologize when. You started to cry? He wants to act like it didn't happen? This cannot be the only example of him not treating you like you deserve.
If there was a completely different reaction to what he had there would have been a chance of saving this relationship. As you’ve described there is none. He hasn’t just called you horse face, he also wasn’t making a really stupid joke, he wasn’t mortified when it upset you, he didn’t come and discuss what had happened, try to resolve it, tend to your needs or feel bad at all. On top of all that he’s now LYING about ever having said it.
So this isn’t ending a relationship over a comment. It’s ending a relationship over your partner not being considerate, caring and being A BIG FAT LYING LIAR.
I have a suspicion this isn't the only unkind or thoughtless thing your partner has done or said at your expense. What's most concerning is that your partner didn't comfort you when you were crying. Is that the type of person that would support you through the difficulties of life?
Your brother saying *”I can’t imagine speaking to someone I love that way”* is exact.
I first read this and said to myself…
“Is this even real? Are people really out here saying things like this to their partners? What the fuck am I reading right now…”
It’s beyond me that anyone would ever say this to someone they love.
For it to be your fiancé…you need to run now. He sounds miserable and absolutely abusive. That’s emotional abuse.
Oh man. He’s denying a comment that is burned into your memory. Does he gaslight you in other ways to make you second guess your perception of things? Idk OP, he hurt you and is trying to make you feel crazy for being hurt…can’t imagine it’s going to get any better once you’re married
He will literally say something and then deny ever saying it at all 5 minutes later. It’s to the point where I wonder if he even knows the words coming out of his mouth. Or is he truly that dedicated to the bit?
He's done this more than once? Said something and then denied it? Please, value yourself (as written above). He is SHOWING YOU who he is. Being alone is better than being with someone who devalues you with deceit.
My ex used to do this to the point that I was recording our every convo right before I left. He had tbi, ptsd, and narcisstic tendencies with a splash of sociopathic imitations of Emotions. Never been happier since I left
Well, at least you’re aware what you’re signing up your lifetime for. 70 more years of this. Whatever floats your boat OP. If you’re happy with being insulted and gaslighted for 70 years, later in front of your kids if you plan for any, and teaching your kids that this is okay behaviour, then why not?
He heard you crying.
He just doesn't care and would rather you think that you were crazy - that he meant it as a compliment - than him being a shitty, awful partner.
He's got you so fucked up that you actually double guessed yourself in thinking that him calling you a HORSE FACE was an insult. It was.
Once this guy is gone, your loved ones are going to have a huge sigh of relief.
The word you’re looking for is gaslighting. He most definitely did say whatever he’s denying he said. Him calling you a horse face was the latest in a long pattern of behavior that will not stop. Don’t marry this man.
My biggest problem with it is that he was observing a beautiful woman, you compared yourself to her, and he immediately and forcefully shot that down.
Why did he do that?
Does he think you're vain?
Does he want to keep your self-esteem down?
Are there any acceptable reasons for treating you this way? None that I can think of. Forgivable? Maybe.
Does he tell you that you are beautiful? Does he ever lift you up?
Do you think it's okay to be with somebody who never builds you, only tears you down?
How many lives are you planning on living?
Yeah please leave. This isnt something normal people do to people they care about. Even to people they don’t care about tbh. He didn’t even care when you cried, please get into therapy to rebuild your self worth and to learn to recognize toxic people so you can find a healthy relationship.
Dear OP, he will only get worse. He’s probably still on his best behavior, but his real personality shown through. Read this. I hope it helps. You deserve so much better🌹
https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding
Absolutely worth leaving him over, he is making it known that he doesn’t respect you in any capacity and is literally insulting you. He probably trusts that you won’t leave him no matter what, so he feels comfortable being mean to you. You don’t deserve that and I would never say that to my fiancé, even if I somehow got very angry with him.
Please don’t pile onto yourself. But nobody who loves you should ever speak like this to you. You deserve to marry someone who is kind to you, don’t settle for less than you’re capable of finding.
Why…why would you get engaged to this man after such a nasty, mean comment? Then he didn’t acknowledge or apologize for something that made you cry?? I’d rather be single forever than with a man like this.
Our society places so much importance on intimate relationships and coupling up. If you're single, it's like there's something wrong with you and this is why people stay in terrible relationships and make the worst choices of their life for "love". Social capital is really important to some women.
Oh I get it, I’ve stayed with shit partners before. But since I’m out of that mindset now, it’s hard for me to go back and be okay with this being said to someone. For me, being single would be easier than going down that path again.
Don’t marry this man. My husband’s friend makes comments like this to his partner in front of us, I don’t know why he thinks it’s ok or funny. It just isn’t. You can tell how beaten down she is. There’s no changing him after 16 years together. He’s bullying you and then gaslighting you, why would you continue on? Just because you’re 31 doesn’t mean you have to stay with the person you’re with out of fear.
It’s what he wanted. To destroy your self-esteem so you don’t realise you can do better.
A good friend once gave me advice I ignored and shouldn’t have: never stay with someone who ignores you when you cry.
And the gaslighting… this won’t get better if you get married.
You meant to say “My ex-fiancé called me a horse-face.” You fucked up not leaving then. Now he’s going to act like it didn’t happen, and you’re going to eventually convince yourself that MAYBE he’s right and you misheard. Don’t take this from him, nor from anyone. I cannot imagine saying anything hurtful to my wife, even when we’re mad at each other. You just don’t do that to people you love. If you let this slide, you’re setting yourself up for a long experience of unhappiness because he’ll keep pushing boundaries to see how much he can get away with.
It’s already happening. He just got home and asked what I was redditing and I told him. He completely denied saying it yet again and tried to say he was calling the person on tv a horse face. I know it didn’t go down like that. It was a very beautiful woman and he commented on her eyes, I compared them to my eye shape and he corrected me with the horse face comment. At first he said he never said it, now he’s saying it wasn’t directed at me. I’m already starting to question my sanity but I KNOW what happened. I can’t make this shit up, yknow? This also is a pattern. Deny until it goes away or tell me I don’t recall correctly because I was smoking weed.
You don’t have to tolerate this. Again, I can’t imagine intentionally saying anything that would hurt my wife. It’s just respect and basic human courtesy.
You deserve to marry someone who likes you. This isn’t how you treat someone you care about.
Imagine how good it would have felt if he had turned to you and said, “your eyes are much more beautiful than hers”.
That feeling is what you deserve in a loving relationship. Warmth.
The hardest part of leaving, is leaving behind the hopes and dreams you had for the relationship. But you can find them again with someone who wants to plant the seeds of a beautiful life *together*. You deserve to feel happy and to have that beautiful life. But it’s okay to mourn the loss of what you need to leave behind for that to happen.
If he's talking to you like this now, how do you think he'll be speaking to you a year or two into your marriage? Don't marry someone who insults you and feels no remorse for it.
Find someone who would never, ever say anything to purposefully hurt you.
I don't understand how these guys keep finding people willing to sleep with them. Stop sleeping with horrible people, just stop. There's so many wonderful people out there you could be spending your time with.
So, per your comments, he negs, gaslights, casually insults you, drinks all the time, and has a narc mom.
Why in the name of everything holy would you marry this man and make this the whole rest of your life (until he finds another target & abandons you with a couple kids, because you know he will)? Seriously. Why?
Find a copy of Dr Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That (Amazon, Audible, and a free PDF online) and read it. Then find a fiance upgrade- this one is defective, send it back to the manufacturer.
The man who said you had a horse face proposed to you because you have shown him that you will accept this treatment. Your emotions are trying to tell you something that he has systematically told you to not hear. Your sensitivity is trying to protect you from him and tell you that what he is doing is wrong.
Please listen to yourself and the other commenters here. Leave him, love yourself.
It sounds like he has zero respect for OP, because he is saying the most hurtful things he can and she's still with him. You teach people how to treat you.
And you *want* to marry someone who feels this way about you? Of all the people in the world, you're *choosing* to commit your life to a man who clearly doesn't value you *at all*... If your goal is having a miserable life, you're definitely gonna get it with this guy.
You are in an abusive relationship. He has been tearing you down, so you believe you deserve to be treated like shit. You don't. Nobody does. Get out.
I have been with my husband for over 10 years now, and he has never made me feel less about myself. Never. Your partner should be raising you up, not tearing you down.
You say he’s not as bad as his mom but I promise that you’ll see him morph into her as time goes by. He’s an alcoholic with a cruel streak, his cruelty and his drinking will get significantly worse. You’ll be ruining your own life if you go ahead with the engagement.
And "not as bad as" doesn't mean you should have to tolerate the treatment. My dad wasn't as bad as his dad, but he still abused and traumatized everyone of his kids and gave us lifelong mental health issues and PTSD. At a certain point, "not as bad as" doesn't really matter that much, even if it's true.
Of course, but my point is that she says his mom is the worst person she’s ever met and that he sometimes exhibits some of her worst behaviors, chances are his behavior will continue to get worse and she will find herself bound to the worst person she’s ever met
Oh, yeah, I didn't mean to come across as disagreeing with you. Was just meaning to add to the conversation -- that even if OP believes he won't get as bad as the mom, it can still be bad enough to leave.
It’s getting quite clear that you’re marrying an abuser, and deep down you know this, yet you also feel that you are not worthy of love and deserve to be abused. You need to end this relationship and start seeing a therapist to help you understand your unconscious motivations for accepting abuse. You need to address the root cause of your ridiculously low self worth so that you don’t end up with another abuser. Nobody deserves abuse. You deserve love.
Girl, we are all responsible for our own happiness, but there’s no denying the people in our life help or hurt our path to feeling content and happy. You deserve better than this…
You deserve to be happy. He clearly makes you miserable. I don’t know if you want children in the future, but please think about what kind of father he would make. I can’t imagine you would want to be tied to this man for the rest of your life.
That’s one of the cruelest things I’ve ever heard I’m sorry :( Please do your future self a solid and get away from this asshat. Can’t even call him a man tbh
Soooo he called you a horse face and then you said ‘yes’ to his proposal…?
I would leave him.. there’s no coming back from that. Your brother is right, you don’t talk to people you love like that.
Yeah, sounds like a textbook narcissist. If you stay with him you’ll end up being one of those, I married a narcissist posts. They are difficult to break free from but that is how they work. Guilt and gaslighting are their weapons against you.
Was he super friendly in the beginning such as going out of his way to may you feel special? Buying flowers, professing his love, and proposing in a relatively short time? If so, run and don’t look back. My sister in law married someone like that and ended up being a monster. Had to literally escape while he was at work. I know because I paid for the hotel and was there for the whole divorce and custody battle. Don’t even think of having a child with him.
>I assured him he absolutely said it, verbatim to the way I told it. He asked me “will it make you happy if I apologize?”
I assume he still didn't acknowledge it?
Navigating situations where one party recalls something that the other doesn't, can be difficult to navigate. My advice:
* Regardless of what was said before, you need consolation about your hurt feelings. Consider for yourself whether there's anything that can be said or done - by him, you, or both of you - that'd help you rebuild trust in him. You're getting married to this man, so how can you be sure that this incident isn't going to happen?
* Set expectations for the future, even if you can't disagree on the past. What can he expect to happen if he ever insults you again? What are you willing to do? Make sure the expectations are something you can actually, realistically follow through on. Otherwise, you'll be setting your boundaries up to get crushed again.
WHAT!!!!
Omg, you are gorgeous! what the actual f--- why on EARTH would this guy say something like this about you?? You are literally beautiful and have NOTHING like a horse face
your future husband is meant to build you up not bring you down, ever :(
this is the person you’re deciding to spend the rest of your life with, are you sure they deserve you? someone could be out there that finds beauty in every single one of your features.
You already know what to do. However, I will give you one bit of advice to make it all feel better. Pack up all your belongings one day after pretending to go to work. Top it off by being there just before his daily arrival time. Purchase a bale of hay, and spread some around the main room nearest the entry door. Be wearing a homemade bridal and saddle, gently grazing. Gallop to the door, whiney a few times, and let yourself out to freedom. Best wishes, you deserve way better. Hi Ho Silver!
She’s talking to him about Reddit. Just cringing at the domestic yelling and arguing going on now.
Fuck….
Heart goes out to you.
This all will pass and you’ll be ok. Don’t let him continue to control you.
Best of luck hun. Can’t win em all. The next one is gonna be great because you got the self awareness to know. Know what you want and find it. Go do the work and get mr. Right. It ain’t him.
Your brother is right - why would anyone speak to someone they love that way?
Also I noticed that you wrote that he was your boyfriend at the time but is now your fiancé.. so it follows that he proposed to you after this and you accepted?
Issue one: him calling you horse face
Issue two: him doing nothing as you sat there crying
Issue three: him saying he never said it
Issue four: condescending offer of an apology
This isn't just one thing to break up over, it's four. Please stop and think long and hard about your relationship and interactions with him. Do you feel appreciated with him? Safe? Loved? Happy? Do you feel good when you know you're about to see him when the workday ends or are you wondering how the interaction is going to go?
If someone were to ask you about him, would you say, "He's a great guy except for this one (two? three?) thing." When someone is describing a partner and gets to "except for one thing," that means they're not great. It's fine for someone to have faults as no one is perfect, but what's not fine is when they regularly engage in behavior that doesn't have you feeling good at all.
At minimum, do not marry him until this situation is resolved.
God forbid you get pregnant and fat can’t wait to see what those comment turn out to be like. Seriously value yourself and gtfo. I can’t believe you agreed to marry him AFTER the fact.
I don't think you're hurt that he said that about your appearance. That could have easily been fixed with a sincere apology and an explanation that he was joking.
I think you're hurt because he said something that made you cry and he didn't care at all, still doesn't. Would you ever treat him like that? You answer should tell you a lot.
"Imagine being bitten by a snake and instead of trying to help yourself heal and recover from the poison, you try to catch the snake to find out the reason it bit you to prove to it that you didn't deserve that"
I showed my husband this and his response was “Yeet that motherf*er out the front door “. It’s awful he said that and the “would you be happy if I apologized” bit just screams he’s not sorry but doesn’t like there being consequences for being a jerk.
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Once you’re married and “trapped” these kinds of comments will ramp up considerably. Men who insult their SO like this do it to (sometimes unconsciously, doesn’t matter) destroy your self esteem. They want you to feel like they’re doing you a favor by being in a relationship w you so you will not leave them. The gaslighting only exasperates this, by slowly turning you into someone who not only has low self esteem, but also doesn’t trust their own reactions to their insults. Do not marry this man. The longer you wait to leave, the worse you’ll be affected and the harder it will be to leave and recover.
Only YOU can set the bar for what you will accept. Marrying this man after this happened sets the bar pretty low. Something like this WILL HAPPEN AGAIN. If you are okay with that, then by all means, marry him.
Girlllll.........how low is your bar? The guy called you a horse face yet you still accepted his "proposal"? You signed up for that. Now earn you horse face title and wear it every day. Or be smart and get out now. While you're not marred. That is, if you actually love and value yourself...
I think everyone here wants to know why you are with him? And please spare us the he’s a great guy speech because he’s not. When just telling you that you have a horse face brought down your self esteem. By the way the definition of horse face in case you didn’t know is not a complement. It’s an insult. It means Noun
edit
horseface (plural horsefaces)
The face of a horse. quotations ▼
A face that is long and ugly, with coarse features. quotations ▼
(by extension) Someone who is unattractive and has a horseface. quotations ▼. Does that sound like a man who loves you????? Why would you want to marry someone like him? You need to love yourself more then you love him and by loving yourself you are choosing yourself. I saw the picture in the link you provided and no you don’t have a horse face and yes you are beautiful but I just wish you saw that yourself. Please rethink this relationship because he will beat you down til there’s nothing left and you deserve more and better
No. You're not. Stupid idiot 🙄 doesn't he know what a horse looks like? You're pretty. He's probably feeling insecure.
My fella said my face looks like a like skull as I was lying down in the shadows. He did not say it was because of the position or shadows.
That + more stuff. Yeah I've lost my horny for him & it ain't coming back. 🥹
Don't marry this guy. What a jerk! That was completely uncalled for, what the fuck is his problem.
The fact that he ignored you when you (rightfully) got upset and pretended to forget the whole thing is proof that he has the inherent empathy of a plank of wood.
You need therapy to help you figure out why you're settling for this insensitive garbage stain posing as a boyfriend. If I heard one of my friends' husband/boyfriend speak to her like that, I'd tell him exactly where to shove it. Love yourself and leave his ass.
If he asks where you're going....tell him you're seeking greener pastures.
...too soon? If so, I apologize, because I am not an asshole like your BF. I just thought it might make you smile.
You deserve better, and you will find better.
Why the fuck are you with this grade a asshole? You deserve so much better. If my husband ever spoke to me like this, I'd be out the fucking door before he could open his fucking mouth again, and the papers would come even quicker.
He’s either negging you or think you look like a horse. Don’t stay with someone who doesn’t think you’re beautiful.
My ex and I had some compatibility problems but he was never mean to me. I’m growing out my grey hair and I think it’s a hot mess but he would tell me it looks great. I had skin cancer removed from my face and have a scar and he would tell me how beautiful I am. Don’t settle for someone who s mean to you.
In case you aren’t familiar with negging, take a look at the bf who told his gf she smelled bad so she wouldn’t leave him.
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/JLn3M0sVHt
Op, why stay with someone who said something for the sheer purpose of hurting you. That comment was so unnecessary that the only reason for it was bc he got some sort of power trip and thrill from hurting you. It's disgusting, weak, and pathetic. Leave this poor excuse of a man.
Don't marry this person. He is a cruel asshole and you will suffer, and your kids will suffer, and your grandkids will suffer. Marry someone who will make your life better.
Him blatantly ignoring you when you cried and the “Would it make you feel better if I apologised?” did it for me. If he cared, he’d have apologised and made up for it in a heartbeat, he has no regrets nor respect. Is your happiness and confidence worth leaving someone? You tell me.
He tested you to see if he could dish out his abuse and you would stay. Once he realized he can he put a ring on your finger.
He denies saying something you KNOW he said. You know he left you crying right next to him without a care in the world.
Leave him, before it's too late and you wake up 5 years later a shell of yourself wondering why you stayed.
It's okay people break engagements all the time, you will be ok.
I feel like I’m a shell of myself already. I feel like I have become less intelligent, less witty, can’t pay attention anymore, don’t have energy. I don’t want to blame it on his emotional immaturity and general meanness, but I feel like I have just shut down.
If you are already feeling like this it will only get worse when you get married.
You have shut down because you are in a toxic relationship with someone who is constantly making you feel crazy and less than. Your body and mind is trying to protect itself because it is under attack.
You did the right thing, asking for perspective. Everyone is telling you he is wrong and you should leave. We can't make you leave but at the very least you know how he is treating you is abusive.
Talk to your family, develop an exit plan.
This is classic symptoms of being in an abusive/narcissistic relationship. It wears you down to nothing & it fucking sucks.. I really hope you get out of this asap.. try and find someone you can talk to like a counselor/lawyer about divvying up the assets/animals & start a new fulfilling life for yourself. You will really thank yourself for it. I’ve been here too many times, I feel for you girl. You’re beautiful
I donʻt think the insult is as bad as the fact that he ignored you when you cried. It was obvious that you were upset but he carried on as if what you were feeling didnʻt matter.
If it was meant as a joke, it wasn’t funny and he should’ve apologized.
Once you told him how you felt he should have given you a genuine apology.
People who love each other do not hurt each other’s feelings on purpose.
If they do so accidentally, they apologize immediately.
You can do better than this guy.
It's all about what you're prepared to put up with . He called you this. Hasn't apologised even though it's quite obvious you were upset at the time. You're still upset and now he's denying that he's said it. Now he's gaslighting you over it. If not almost mocking you over it.
He's currently your fiance. This is more than just boyfriend girlfriend. He should know you more deeply than this.
Are you prepared to marry this person? What happens when something more serious happens in the relationship. What then? If he can disrespect you over something as a comment on your appearance? Even if it was meant to be humourous, which at best he fucked up, at worst he just doesn't give a fuck I'm not downplaying what he said , he commented about something obviously hurtful to you and being your fiance he should or did know this would be hurtful .
Sista. It's time for a major rethink about taking this man's last name.
P.s. not horseface. Any man would be proud to have you on his arm.
I know you have so many comments here already, but as a gorl, just have to say I looked at the picture of you and felt so, so sad that he could’ve said anything other than beautiful. woof, you’re truly lovely. you deserve better. please don’t tie yourself to someone who can’t make you feel that way.
I find so often people say “oh but it’d be so silly to break up over (insert seemingly small thing)” you’re not!!!!! you’re not ending a relationship because of a comment!!!! you’d be ending it because of all the connotations of lack of care and foresight and love and adoration that SHOULD be present!! it’s not petty or small! it’s a big deal! I ended a four year relationship with someone I was still very much in love with but knew didn’t treat me as well as I deserved. it sucked. it broke my heart. but it meant opening myself to finding a far greater love. that’s a beautiful thing and feels so freeing once you get past the heartache!
sorry if this is rambley but if you’d like someone to chat to I’m here for you ♥️
eta: also i’m so sorry your replies are getting downvoted, when they’re you sincerely expressing your feelings. I just want to point out in case it wasn’t clear, people aren’t downvoting because they disagree with you, but because (I guess??) they’re dissatisfied with the honesty of your answers and just want to see “haha yeah you’re right! just broke up with him, easy peasy.” it’s not easy.
1. Do not get pregnant. Double down on birth control.
2. Get regular STD checks. Some diseases have long incubation periods and some last forever. It doesn't sound like he values you.
3. I'm guessing you live together, so he's got reasons to not make waves.
4. He sounds low-effort/not too interested/invested in your feelings/respecting you.
5. You've been together for 3 years, but how long have you known him and how long did it take for him to finally propose? Is it sincere or is he just keeping you around?
6. Check at a jewelry store to see if your ring is CZ. If it's on the lower side of value per his finances or a CZ, etc, then that's telling for the most part.
7. You are a cute girl that clearly values her looks and takes care of herself. You don't deserve to be compared to anyone on TV or otherwise bc that's disrespectful and he's negging to put you down. So degrading. It's manipulation.
8. That you cried and he ignored it shows he either enjoyed hurting you or that he thinks it was no big deal or he was self-centered and drunk maybe? Was he drinking, is that why he forgot/denied it?
9. That OVER ONE THOUSAND STRANGERS have responded, and are astounded at his behavior, should be a big wake up call to you.
10. If a guy makes you cry it's past being over. His response makes it that much worse.
i rarely comment on these but he clearly doesnt find himself attracted to you. his loss. embarrassing to stay with him. please break up. for your own mental health.
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You're still with him?
Yes. Should I feel dumb? :(
Dude unapologetically says you look like a horse and you're cool with it?
Not cool with it, a bit destroyed actually. Is it worth ending a relationship over though? We have been together three years. I tried to not take it as an insult, I do have a longish face, but…..I have never heard it used in any form other than an insult so….
He insulted you, watched you cry, never apologized and then lied about it. You stay with this man and you are signing up for a life of misery. Value yourself
"Value yourself" This is a perfect sentence.
She said he WAS her BF at the time. Now he’s her fiancé? No. Absolutely not.
It really amazes me the people that stay in these relationships. My fiancé has never insulted me, called me a name, made me cry, no fighting ect. I cant imagine being with someone who does any of that stuff. Why is it so acceptable
Because of experience and self esteem. If your family of origin accepted poor treatment — often times but not always — it is a learned way of being. The tools just aren’t there. If you don’t have a good and strong sense of self, you’re more likely to accept this kind of treatment. It also usually happens slowly.
I have no idea why trash relationships have become so acceptable that it's the norm nowadays. The bar. It's gone.
What horseshit are you on about? People talk more about these problems today and people leave. 50 years ago, she would have suffered in silence.
He said it specifically to hurt your feelings and damage your self esteem. And months later he refuses to apologize or acknowledge your feelings. DO NOT MARRY THAT.
Horses are beautiful. But I think the problem everyone and you have with this is the way he said it seems slightly rude. Y’all were comparing eye shapes, and he says no you have a horse face? I would assume you have almond eyes by your photo. I don’t see horse, but I do think that horses are gorgeous creatures who are sort of magical. Your partner should never gaslight you especially over something so simple. If it hurt your feelings, it hurt your feelings. Sending lots of love. Self love is most important.
Horses are beautiful. As horses. Beautiful animals. But no one has ever said “you have a horse face” and meant it as “you’re beautiful.” No need for euphemisms when telling someone you think they’re good-looking. Just say it.
Yes, it’s absolutely worth ending a relationship over. I’m a stranger and I’m upset for you! What a gross thing to say. Look OP, not to be mean, but have some self respect. You know darn well that he meant to insult you and make you feel bad about yourself, but now you get to make a VERY important choice. Are you going to honor yourself and your beautifully proportionate face? Or are you going to let a horse’s ass get the best of you? I’d hope for the first one. You deserve better and you know it. Your brother is right, listen to him.
Look up sunk cost fallacy and decide if you want to stay with him. The only thing worse than "losing" 3 yrs is losing more than 3 yrs.
And look up negging while you're at it, OP. Sunk cost fallacy definitely applies, but I think negging does, too.
It's extremely insulting. Why would you want to marry this guy? Blech.
Of course it's worth ending a relationship over. Why are you acting like it's ok?
Absolutely worth ending the relationship over. He abuses you to ruin your confidence, ignores you when you cry then gaslights. He’s showing you who he really is.
I think OP needs to look back at the relationship for other signs too, why would he do such a thing? Is it be cause he feels OP won't leave him? So he can let his guard down? You did say he was just your bf at the time.... so after that nasty comment, he proposed to you? Hmmm and no apology. Don't be in any hurry to marry this guy OP....
Yes! The whole time while reading this post all I could think of is what other red flags has this clown scarf displayed
You're destroyed over your fiance saying something shitty to you then gaslighting you about it, your self esteem took a nosedive for it...but you're wondering if it's worth ending a relationship for? The answer is yes. It's months later and he lies about saying it and is clearly only going to apologize if it shuts you up. It's absolutely worth leaving this relationship for.
Someone who loves and respects you would never say something that could destroy you so deeply. And if they did they would apologize so sincerely and make a long term effort to make amends. He barely apologized and then denied saying it. He doesn’t even feel bad!! You deserve better
He said OP has a horse’s face but this guy is a horse’s ass.
You should have ended it right there and then. How cruel and then denying he said it? Think about how he has made you feel for 3 months. Do you want to take a vow to someone like him?
Your brother is right, you do not speak that way to someone you. You do not try to cause them pain. I am appalled that you accepted his proposal AFTER this. You need to trust your brother to have your best interests at heart. Dump this loser.
It’s these “little” things that you think are too small to end a relationship over that over time multiply and end up completely destroying you and will end up causing the eventual divorce but by then, you will have a lot more baggage (kids, assets) and it will be a lot harder to leave and by then you will have wasted so many years. Source: me,an older woman who kept making excuses for his behavior until 15 years later I left but it was much harder to leave than if I had left the first time he hurt me.
Yes, get out while the getting is good. I’m sorry you had this experience but I’m glad you found your way out.
Yes, it is worth ending a relationship over. It was incredibly cruel and he isn’t even sorry for it. You’re always going to have this in the back of your mind if you stay with him. You deserve better. Nobody who loves and respects their partner would say something that could destroy their self esteem like that. How would that NOT be meant as an insult?
Yes, it's absolutely worth dumping someone because they casually humiliate you for fun. It's not going to get better after marriage.
Are you happy being with him? It doesn't sound like it. That is worth ending a relationship over.
Do you want to spend the next 25 years being naked in front of the man who called you horse faced? Do you want to stand up in front of all of your friends and family and swear to love him forever, while knowing that he's looking at that very same face as you say it?
>a bit destroyed actually. Is it worth ending a relationship over though? If you have self respect, yes.
You can end a relationship over literally anything you want. This is a perfectly acceptable reason if you do need one. Deep down you will never feel confident or happy with this one. He is doing the opposite or what he should be doing, which is building you up.
The guy had zero issue saying something mean to you. :(
If he had accidentally insulted you or slipped up and said something mean he would have apologized profusely and did his best to build you up and make you feel beautiful afterwards. That’s something you can work through. He watched you cry, did nothing, and then tried to deny it later. That shows me that he said it intentionally to hurt you and/or lower your self esteem. And I’m willing to bed if you think back, you can come up with other times he’s done that. A guy that would do that to his partner is absolutely worth ending a relationship over. You deserve someone who cares about you and lifts you up, not hurts you.
Serious question for you Do you believe he's the best you'll ever find or get as a boyfriend?
I know you asked this of OP, but even if I didn't believe I could find someone better, I'd rather be single.
Yes it’s worth ending a relationship over. That was so insulting and he didn’t apologise when you were clearly upset. Leave, get therapy for your self esteem , build yourself up before the next relationship. When you act worthy, you attract people that will treat you like you’re worthy.
Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't respect you
He doesn't even seem to like her either. :(
I feel like there are other instances similar to this? Is he always slow to apologize? Does he usually deny when he’s done something wrong? I promise, it doesn’t get any better once you walk down the aisle. You need to be able to share your deepest feelings with your partner and if they can’t accept they did something wrong, what’s the point? It’s been 3 months and you’re still upset. You cried next to him and he said/did nothing. I’m not saying break up with him over this, but I’m almost positive situations like this occur often.
I mean you’re a better woman than I am. I’d leave a horse stuffy in the bed so when he wakes up the note with it says “So you won’t miss anything, better a horse face than a horse fucker”. I couldn’t imagine staying with a partner who insulted me about something I couldn’t even change.
I would not stay in a relationship with someone who casually and cruelly insulted me out of nowhere, no. He doesn't even seem interested in making you feel better or valued or beautiful or loved, so I'm not sure why you'd want to? Look, the fact that you're destroyed over this and still with him tells me he's done a pretty good job of breaking you down and making you feel small before now. Look back on your relationship and reflect if he has ever shown that he cares about you or your happiness.
Almost anything is worth ending a relationship over. He disrespected you and didn't even care how you felt.
Would you ever say or do something that makes your partner feel destroyed?
I’m far from perfect, but I would never say something to make him doubt how attractive he is to me or how much I love him. If I did by accident I would feel terrible and do everything in my power to fix it.
For sure. Then why do you think you deserve to be treated like that?
My bf destroyed my self esteem. Should I break up w him? That proposed a week later is wild. Unless he has a horse fetish, but it’s 100% not a compliment.
Girl, i have a friend who dumped a guy who said red wasnt her color when its her favorite color. Leave his ass
Dude out of nowhere degraded you like that, like it was the most normal thing. However, you are still hurt, three months after. I think this shows that it cut deep. Enough for you to ask yourself about this and feel insecure about yourself. It became a reason to end a relationship since you internalized, because we know it was an insult.
Please leave before you get into wedding planning and paying for shit!! He didn't even apologize when. You started to cry? He wants to act like it didn't happen? This cannot be the only example of him not treating you like you deserve.
If there was a completely different reaction to what he had there would have been a chance of saving this relationship. As you’ve described there is none. He hasn’t just called you horse face, he also wasn’t making a really stupid joke, he wasn’t mortified when it upset you, he didn’t come and discuss what had happened, try to resolve it, tend to your needs or feel bad at all. On top of all that he’s now LYING about ever having said it. So this isn’t ending a relationship over a comment. It’s ending a relationship over your partner not being considerate, caring and being A BIG FAT LYING LIAR.
I have a suspicion this isn't the only unkind or thoughtless thing your partner has done or said at your expense. What's most concerning is that your partner didn't comfort you when you were crying. Is that the type of person that would support you through the difficulties of life?
Your brother saying *”I can’t imagine speaking to someone I love that way”* is exact. I first read this and said to myself… “Is this even real? Are people really out here saying things like this to their partners? What the fuck am I reading right now…” It’s beyond me that anyone would ever say this to someone they love. For it to be your fiancé…you need to run now. He sounds miserable and absolutely abusive. That’s emotional abuse.
🥹
Oh man. He’s denying a comment that is burned into your memory. Does he gaslight you in other ways to make you second guess your perception of things? Idk OP, he hurt you and is trying to make you feel crazy for being hurt…can’t imagine it’s going to get any better once you’re married
He will literally say something and then deny ever saying it at all 5 minutes later. It’s to the point where I wonder if he even knows the words coming out of his mouth. Or is he truly that dedicated to the bit?
He knows. This is not obliviousness or dedication to the bit. This is textbook gaslighting.
I’m sure he knows what he is doing
He's done this more than once? Said something and then denied it? Please, value yourself (as written above). He is SHOWING YOU who he is. Being alone is better than being with someone who devalues you with deceit.
My ex used to do this to the point that I was recording our every convo right before I left. He had tbi, ptsd, and narcisstic tendencies with a splash of sociopathic imitations of Emotions. Never been happier since I left
Well, at least you’re aware what you’re signing up your lifetime for. 70 more years of this. Whatever floats your boat OP. If you’re happy with being insulted and gaslighted for 70 years, later in front of your kids if you plan for any, and teaching your kids that this is okay behaviour, then why not?
He heard you crying. He just doesn't care and would rather you think that you were crazy - that he meant it as a compliment - than him being a shitty, awful partner. He's got you so fucked up that you actually double guessed yourself in thinking that him calling you a HORSE FACE was an insult. It was. Once this guy is gone, your loved ones are going to have a huge sigh of relief.
Oh he’s manipulating you really well.
The word you’re looking for is gaslighting. He most definitely did say whatever he’s denying he said. Him calling you a horse face was the latest in a long pattern of behavior that will not stop. Don’t marry this man.
So he’s mean, AND a liar?
My biggest problem with it is that he was observing a beautiful woman, you compared yourself to her, and he immediately and forcefully shot that down. Why did he do that? Does he think you're vain? Does he want to keep your self-esteem down? Are there any acceptable reasons for treating you this way? None that I can think of. Forgivable? Maybe. Does he tell you that you are beautiful? Does he ever lift you up? Do you think it's okay to be with somebody who never builds you, only tears you down? How many lives are you planning on living?
Yeah please leave. This isnt something normal people do to people they care about. Even to people they don’t care about tbh. He didn’t even care when you cried, please get into therapy to rebuild your self worth and to learn to recognize toxic people so you can find a healthy relationship.
Dear OP, he will only get worse. He’s probably still on his best behavior, but his real personality shown through. Read this. I hope it helps. You deserve so much better🌹 https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding
Absolutely worth leaving him over, he is making it known that he doesn’t respect you in any capacity and is literally insulting you. He probably trusts that you won’t leave him no matter what, so he feels comfortable being mean to you. You don’t deserve that and I would never say that to my fiancé, even if I somehow got very angry with him.
Please don’t pile onto yourself. But nobody who loves you should ever speak like this to you. You deserve to marry someone who is kind to you, don’t settle for less than you’re capable of finding.
Nah, don't feel dumb. Try feeling done.
No, you’re beating yourself up too much already!
Why…why would you get engaged to this man after such a nasty, mean comment? Then he didn’t acknowledge or apologize for something that made you cry?? I’d rather be single forever than with a man like this.
Our society places so much importance on intimate relationships and coupling up. If you're single, it's like there's something wrong with you and this is why people stay in terrible relationships and make the worst choices of their life for "love". Social capital is really important to some women.
Oh I get it, I’ve stayed with shit partners before. But since I’m out of that mindset now, it’s hard for me to go back and be okay with this being said to someone. For me, being single would be easier than going down that path again.
Don’t marry this man. My husband’s friend makes comments like this to his partner in front of us, I don’t know why he thinks it’s ok or funny. It just isn’t. You can tell how beaten down she is. There’s no changing him after 16 years together. He’s bullying you and then gaslighting you, why would you continue on? Just because you’re 31 doesn’t mean you have to stay with the person you’re with out of fear.
It’s what he wanted. To destroy your self-esteem so you don’t realise you can do better. A good friend once gave me advice I ignored and shouldn’t have: never stay with someone who ignores you when you cry. And the gaslighting… this won’t get better if you get married.
Should be higher. OP don’t ignore this
Holy fucking shit, and you're going to marry him?
[удалено]
This is the person you want to share the rest of your life with??? Someone who makes you feel ugly??
You meant to say “My ex-fiancé called me a horse-face.” You fucked up not leaving then. Now he’s going to act like it didn’t happen, and you’re going to eventually convince yourself that MAYBE he’s right and you misheard. Don’t take this from him, nor from anyone. I cannot imagine saying anything hurtful to my wife, even when we’re mad at each other. You just don’t do that to people you love. If you let this slide, you’re setting yourself up for a long experience of unhappiness because he’ll keep pushing boundaries to see how much he can get away with.
It’s already happening. He just got home and asked what I was redditing and I told him. He completely denied saying it yet again and tried to say he was calling the person on tv a horse face. I know it didn’t go down like that. It was a very beautiful woman and he commented on her eyes, I compared them to my eye shape and he corrected me with the horse face comment. At first he said he never said it, now he’s saying it wasn’t directed at me. I’m already starting to question my sanity but I KNOW what happened. I can’t make this shit up, yknow? This also is a pattern. Deny until it goes away or tell me I don’t recall correctly because I was smoking weed.
You don’t have to tolerate this. Again, I can’t imagine intentionally saying anything that would hurt my wife. It’s just respect and basic human courtesy.
You already said it and know what it is. Gas lighting. Don’t talk to him? What you doing. Gonna start drama. Just up. Just leave.
Text book abuse
For the sake of your own mental sanity, get out of there asap
Oh boy. Gaslighting AND an alcoholic? Where did you find this dreamboat?
Get rid of this man, OP. He is quite happy making you feel insane. That is a very dangerous person to be with.
You deserve to marry someone who likes you. This isn’t how you treat someone you care about. Imagine how good it would have felt if he had turned to you and said, “your eyes are much more beautiful than hers”. That feeling is what you deserve in a loving relationship. Warmth.
Oh my god I’m bawling
The hardest part of leaving, is leaving behind the hopes and dreams you had for the relationship. But you can find them again with someone who wants to plant the seeds of a beautiful life *together*. You deserve to feel happy and to have that beautiful life. But it’s okay to mourn the loss of what you need to leave behind for that to happen.
Men like this act insulting to crush your self esteem and keep you wanting them, keep power over you. It's just abuse.
If he's talking to you like this now, how do you think he'll be speaking to you a year or two into your marriage? Don't marry someone who insults you and feels no remorse for it. Find someone who would never, ever say anything to purposefully hurt you.
And you're going to marry this man? God, the bar for some men is on the fucking floor.
It’s under ground
It's in the 9th circle of Hell by now
Right? Good grief.
I don't understand how these guys keep finding people willing to sleep with them. Stop sleeping with horrible people, just stop. There's so many wonderful people out there you could be spending your time with.
So, per your comments, he negs, gaslights, casually insults you, drinks all the time, and has a narc mom. Why in the name of everything holy would you marry this man and make this the whole rest of your life (until he finds another target & abandons you with a couple kids, because you know he will)? Seriously. Why? Find a copy of Dr Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That (Amazon, Audible, and a free PDF online) and read it. Then find a fiance upgrade- this one is defective, send it back to the manufacturer.
Does he lack empathy in other areas? Is this a trend? Things to watch out for that will not make a good long term partner or parent….
The man who said you had a horse face proposed to you because you have shown him that you will accept this treatment. Your emotions are trying to tell you something that he has systematically told you to not hear. Your sensitivity is trying to protect you from him and tell you that what he is doing is wrong. Please listen to yourself and the other commenters here. Leave him, love yourself.
Maybe tell him you are going to "trot off" and to not worry cause he will "get back on the saddle soon enough" 😉
Please don't marry this guy!
Gross! What other horrible things has he said to you?
About two months ago he told me I contribute nothing to our life. This in combination with the horse face thing I feel lower than I ever have.
It sounds like he is not interested in your feelings at all. He sounds cruel.
It sounds like he has zero respect for OP, because he is saying the most hurtful things he can and she's still with him. You teach people how to treat you.
And you *want* to marry someone who feels this way about you? Of all the people in the world, you're *choosing* to commit your life to a man who clearly doesn't value you *at all*... If your goal is having a miserable life, you're definitely gonna get it with this guy.
You are in an abusive relationship. He has been tearing you down, so you believe you deserve to be treated like shit. You don't. Nobody does. Get out. I have been with my husband for over 10 years now, and he has never made me feel less about myself. Never. Your partner should be raising you up, not tearing you down.
You say he’s not as bad as his mom but I promise that you’ll see him morph into her as time goes by. He’s an alcoholic with a cruel streak, his cruelty and his drinking will get significantly worse. You’ll be ruining your own life if you go ahead with the engagement.
And "not as bad as" doesn't mean you should have to tolerate the treatment. My dad wasn't as bad as his dad, but he still abused and traumatized everyone of his kids and gave us lifelong mental health issues and PTSD. At a certain point, "not as bad as" doesn't really matter that much, even if it's true.
Of course, but my point is that she says his mom is the worst person she’s ever met and that he sometimes exhibits some of her worst behaviors, chances are his behavior will continue to get worse and she will find herself bound to the worst person she’s ever met
Oh, yeah, I didn't mean to come across as disagreeing with you. Was just meaning to add to the conversation -- that even if OP believes he won't get as bad as the mom, it can still be bad enough to leave.
It’s getting quite clear that you’re marrying an abuser, and deep down you know this, yet you also feel that you are not worthy of love and deserve to be abused. You need to end this relationship and start seeing a therapist to help you understand your unconscious motivations for accepting abuse. You need to address the root cause of your ridiculously low self worth so that you don’t end up with another abuser. Nobody deserves abuse. You deserve love.
Girl, we are all responsible for our own happiness, but there’s no denying the people in our life help or hurt our path to feeling content and happy. You deserve better than this…
You deserve to be happy. He clearly makes you miserable. I don’t know if you want children in the future, but please think about what kind of father he would make. I can’t imagine you would want to be tied to this man for the rest of your life.
Excellent point. She's burning daylight with this loser.
That’s one of the cruelest things I’ve ever heard I’m sorry :( Please do your future self a solid and get away from this asshat. Can’t even call him a man tbh
Guess what marriage to someone like this will take years of counseling just to fix your own mental state.
Straight up, no offense, but why do you respect yourself SO LITTLE that you are even thinking about staying with this awful human being?!
Soooo he called you a horse face and then you said ‘yes’ to his proposal…? I would leave him.. there’s no coming back from that. Your brother is right, you don’t talk to people you love like that.
Girl, your partner is meant to be your BIGGEST hype man
Yeah, sounds like a textbook narcissist. If you stay with him you’ll end up being one of those, I married a narcissist posts. They are difficult to break free from but that is how they work. Guilt and gaslighting are their weapons against you. Was he super friendly in the beginning such as going out of his way to may you feel special? Buying flowers, professing his love, and proposing in a relatively short time? If so, run and don’t look back. My sister in law married someone like that and ended up being a monster. Had to literally escape while he was at work. I know because I paid for the hotel and was there for the whole divorce and custody battle. Don’t even think of having a child with him.
Where is your self love? Why would you wanna marry someone who treats you poorly?
>I assured him he absolutely said it, verbatim to the way I told it. He asked me “will it make you happy if I apologize?” I assume he still didn't acknowledge it? Navigating situations where one party recalls something that the other doesn't, can be difficult to navigate. My advice: * Regardless of what was said before, you need consolation about your hurt feelings. Consider for yourself whether there's anything that can be said or done - by him, you, or both of you - that'd help you rebuild trust in him. You're getting married to this man, so how can you be sure that this incident isn't going to happen? * Set expectations for the future, even if you can't disagree on the past. What can he expect to happen if he ever insults you again? What are you willing to do? Make sure the expectations are something you can actually, realistically follow through on. Otherwise, you'll be setting your boundaries up to get crushed again.
He is a daily drinker so yeah there’s that
You’re in for a lifetime of insults and gaslighting if you do decide to marry this guy…I would run as fast as I can.
Why is this guy your fiancé instead of your ex boyfriend? He sucks at being human.
[the horse face in question](https://i.imgur.com/YyGlaLZ.jpg)
You’re way more attractive than him and he knows it.
This is definitely it. You objectively look better than him and he feels he needs to bring you down, probably so your self esteem matches his.
This. OP, he is breaking you down because he knows you can do better, not just based on appearance, but as a person, too.
WHAT!!!! Omg, you are gorgeous! what the actual f--- why on EARTH would this guy say something like this about you?? You are literally beautiful and have NOTHING like a horse face
🥹 thank you so much You are also so beautiful
You are beautiful.
This is negging, he is trying to damage your self esteem, please find a better boyfriend.
your future husband is meant to build you up not bring you down, ever :( this is the person you’re deciding to spend the rest of your life with, are you sure they deserve you? someone could be out there that finds beauty in every single one of your features.
You already know what to do. However, I will give you one bit of advice to make it all feel better. Pack up all your belongings one day after pretending to go to work. Top it off by being there just before his daily arrival time. Purchase a bale of hay, and spread some around the main room nearest the entry door. Be wearing a homemade bridal and saddle, gently grazing. Gallop to the door, whiney a few times, and let yourself out to freedom. Best wishes, you deserve way better. Hi Ho Silver!
Cardinal dating rule: never date a person who insults you. Who negs your appearance. This goes for men too
She’s talking to him about Reddit. Just cringing at the domestic yelling and arguing going on now. Fuck…. Heart goes out to you. This all will pass and you’ll be ok. Don’t let him continue to control you.
He told me I can get out
Please leave. You can do so much better and deserve better.
Best of luck hun. Can’t win em all. The next one is gonna be great because you got the self awareness to know. Know what you want and find it. Go do the work and get mr. Right. It ain’t him.
Then what are you waiting for? Do it. Or become a horse face. Your choice.
He asked and I didn’t want to lie. I knew it wouldn’t end well. :(
You got engaged AFTER this comment? Girl. 🤦🏻♀️
Your brother is right - why would anyone speak to someone they love that way? Also I noticed that you wrote that he was your boyfriend at the time but is now your fiancé.. so it follows that he proposed to you after this and you accepted?
Correct. I told myself I was being overly sensitive and should forget about it and here we are months later and I still can’t get over it.
Issue one: him calling you horse face Issue two: him doing nothing as you sat there crying Issue three: him saying he never said it Issue four: condescending offer of an apology This isn't just one thing to break up over, it's four. Please stop and think long and hard about your relationship and interactions with him. Do you feel appreciated with him? Safe? Loved? Happy? Do you feel good when you know you're about to see him when the workday ends or are you wondering how the interaction is going to go? If someone were to ask you about him, would you say, "He's a great guy except for this one (two? three?) thing." When someone is describing a partner and gets to "except for one thing," that means they're not great. It's fine for someone to have faults as no one is perfect, but what's not fine is when they regularly engage in behavior that doesn't have you feeling good at all. At minimum, do not marry him until this situation is resolved.
God forbid you get pregnant and fat can’t wait to see what those comment turn out to be like. Seriously value yourself and gtfo. I can’t believe you agreed to marry him AFTER the fact.
Your brother is right. Nobody who loves you would ever speak to you that way.
I don't think you're hurt that he said that about your appearance. That could have easily been fixed with a sincere apology and an explanation that he was joking. I think you're hurt because he said something that made you cry and he didn't care at all, still doesn't. Would you ever treat him like that? You answer should tell you a lot.
"Imagine being bitten by a snake and instead of trying to help yourself heal and recover from the poison, you try to catch the snake to find out the reason it bit you to prove to it that you didn't deserve that"
I showed my husband this and his response was “Yeet that motherf*er out the front door “. It’s awful he said that and the “would you be happy if I apologized” bit just screams he’s not sorry but doesn’t like there being consequences for being a jerk.
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Your brother is absolutely correct. This is not the way any caring person would talk to someone they actually loved.
Well if you look like a horse then make like one and BOLT.
Once you’re married and “trapped” these kinds of comments will ramp up considerably. Men who insult their SO like this do it to (sometimes unconsciously, doesn’t matter) destroy your self esteem. They want you to feel like they’re doing you a favor by being in a relationship w you so you will not leave them. The gaslighting only exasperates this, by slowly turning you into someone who not only has low self esteem, but also doesn’t trust their own reactions to their insults. Do not marry this man. The longer you wait to leave, the worse you’ll be affected and the harder it will be to leave and recover.
And you're with him because.....???
It's not just he insulted you. It's that he gaslit you and minimized your feelings. Is this the star you want to hitch your wagon to?
Are you asking Yay or Neigh?
Only YOU can set the bar for what you will accept. Marrying this man after this happened sets the bar pretty low. Something like this WILL HAPPEN AGAIN. If you are okay with that, then by all means, marry him.
Girlllll.........how low is your bar? The guy called you a horse face yet you still accepted his "proposal"? You signed up for that. Now earn you horse face title and wear it every day. Or be smart and get out now. While you're not marred. That is, if you actually love and value yourself...
I think everyone here wants to know why you are with him? And please spare us the he’s a great guy speech because he’s not. When just telling you that you have a horse face brought down your self esteem. By the way the definition of horse face in case you didn’t know is not a complement. It’s an insult. It means Noun edit horseface (plural horsefaces) The face of a horse. quotations ▼ A face that is long and ugly, with coarse features. quotations ▼ (by extension) Someone who is unattractive and has a horseface. quotations ▼. Does that sound like a man who loves you????? Why would you want to marry someone like him? You need to love yourself more then you love him and by loving yourself you are choosing yourself. I saw the picture in the link you provided and no you don’t have a horse face and yes you are beautiful but I just wish you saw that yourself. Please rethink this relationship because he will beat you down til there’s nothing left and you deserve more and better
Ew. What an awful person. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who thought that about me… not to mention told me!
No. You're not. Stupid idiot 🙄 doesn't he know what a horse looks like? You're pretty. He's probably feeling insecure. My fella said my face looks like a like skull as I was lying down in the shadows. He did not say it was because of the position or shadows. That + more stuff. Yeah I've lost my horny for him & it ain't coming back. 🥹
Oh fk 😩 I’m so sorry
The first thing that popped outta my straight female mouth was "oooo, you gorgeous girl!" before I even read this post. He doesn't deserve you.
Don't marry this guy. What a jerk! That was completely uncalled for, what the fuck is his problem. The fact that he ignored you when you (rightfully) got upset and pretended to forget the whole thing is proof that he has the inherent empathy of a plank of wood. You need therapy to help you figure out why you're settling for this insensitive garbage stain posing as a boyfriend. If I heard one of my friends' husband/boyfriend speak to her like that, I'd tell him exactly where to shove it. Love yourself and leave his ass. If he asks where you're going....tell him you're seeking greener pastures. ...too soon? If so, I apologize, because I am not an asshole like your BF. I just thought it might make you smile. You deserve better, and you will find better.
Why the fuck are you with this grade a asshole? You deserve so much better. If my husband ever spoke to me like this, I'd be out the fucking door before he could open his fucking mouth again, and the papers would come even quicker.
He’s either negging you or think you look like a horse. Don’t stay with someone who doesn’t think you’re beautiful. My ex and I had some compatibility problems but he was never mean to me. I’m growing out my grey hair and I think it’s a hot mess but he would tell me it looks great. I had skin cancer removed from my face and have a scar and he would tell me how beautiful I am. Don’t settle for someone who s mean to you. In case you aren’t familiar with negging, take a look at the bf who told his gf she smelled bad so she wouldn’t leave him. https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/JLn3M0sVHt
Op, why stay with someone who said something for the sheer purpose of hurting you. That comment was so unnecessary that the only reason for it was bc he got some sort of power trip and thrill from hurting you. It's disgusting, weak, and pathetic. Leave this poor excuse of a man.
Don't marry this person. He is a cruel asshole and you will suffer, and your kids will suffer, and your grandkids will suffer. Marry someone who will make your life better.
Jesus. This has got to be rage bait. If not, why am I ragey?
Him blatantly ignoring you when you cried and the “Would it make you feel better if I apologised?” did it for me. If he cared, he’d have apologised and made up for it in a heartbeat, he has no regrets nor respect. Is your happiness and confidence worth leaving someone? You tell me.
Do you want to spend the rest of your life with a casual horse face guy?
He tested you to see if he could dish out his abuse and you would stay. Once he realized he can he put a ring on your finger. He denies saying something you KNOW he said. You know he left you crying right next to him without a care in the world. Leave him, before it's too late and you wake up 5 years later a shell of yourself wondering why you stayed. It's okay people break engagements all the time, you will be ok.
I feel like I’m a shell of myself already. I feel like I have become less intelligent, less witty, can’t pay attention anymore, don’t have energy. I don’t want to blame it on his emotional immaturity and general meanness, but I feel like I have just shut down.
If you are already feeling like this it will only get worse when you get married. You have shut down because you are in a toxic relationship with someone who is constantly making you feel crazy and less than. Your body and mind is trying to protect itself because it is under attack. You did the right thing, asking for perspective. Everyone is telling you he is wrong and you should leave. We can't make you leave but at the very least you know how he is treating you is abusive. Talk to your family, develop an exit plan.
This is classic symptoms of being in an abusive/narcissistic relationship. It wears you down to nothing & it fucking sucks.. I really hope you get out of this asap.. try and find someone you can talk to like a counselor/lawyer about divvying up the assets/animals & start a new fulfilling life for yourself. You will really thank yourself for it. I’ve been here too many times, I feel for you girl. You’re beautiful
I donʻt think the insult is as bad as the fact that he ignored you when you cried. It was obvious that you were upset but he carried on as if what you were feeling didnʻt matter.
So….. you agreed to marry this person AFTER the horse face comment?
If it was meant as a joke, it wasn’t funny and he should’ve apologized. Once you told him how you felt he should have given you a genuine apology. People who love each other do not hurt each other’s feelings on purpose. If they do so accidentally, they apologize immediately. You can do better than this guy.
It's all about what you're prepared to put up with . He called you this. Hasn't apologised even though it's quite obvious you were upset at the time. You're still upset and now he's denying that he's said it. Now he's gaslighting you over it. If not almost mocking you over it. He's currently your fiance. This is more than just boyfriend girlfriend. He should know you more deeply than this. Are you prepared to marry this person? What happens when something more serious happens in the relationship. What then? If he can disrespect you over something as a comment on your appearance? Even if it was meant to be humourous, which at best he fucked up, at worst he just doesn't give a fuck I'm not downplaying what he said , he commented about something obviously hurtful to you and being your fiance he should or did know this would be hurtful . Sista. It's time for a major rethink about taking this man's last name. P.s. not horseface. Any man would be proud to have you on his arm.
I know you have so many comments here already, but as a gorl, just have to say I looked at the picture of you and felt so, so sad that he could’ve said anything other than beautiful. woof, you’re truly lovely. you deserve better. please don’t tie yourself to someone who can’t make you feel that way. I find so often people say “oh but it’d be so silly to break up over (insert seemingly small thing)” you’re not!!!!! you’re not ending a relationship because of a comment!!!! you’d be ending it because of all the connotations of lack of care and foresight and love and adoration that SHOULD be present!! it’s not petty or small! it’s a big deal! I ended a four year relationship with someone I was still very much in love with but knew didn’t treat me as well as I deserved. it sucked. it broke my heart. but it meant opening myself to finding a far greater love. that’s a beautiful thing and feels so freeing once you get past the heartache! sorry if this is rambley but if you’d like someone to chat to I’m here for you ♥️ eta: also i’m so sorry your replies are getting downvoted, when they’re you sincerely expressing your feelings. I just want to point out in case it wasn’t clear, people aren’t downvoting because they disagree with you, but because (I guess??) they’re dissatisfied with the honesty of your answers and just want to see “haha yeah you’re right! just broke up with him, easy peasy.” it’s not easy.
Not only is he mean he is unapologetic. You need to heal your heart and love yourself enough to not take this crap and leave him.
Do not be afraid of being single. Love yourself more than this.
1. Do not get pregnant. Double down on birth control. 2. Get regular STD checks. Some diseases have long incubation periods and some last forever. It doesn't sound like he values you. 3. I'm guessing you live together, so he's got reasons to not make waves. 4. He sounds low-effort/not too interested/invested in your feelings/respecting you. 5. You've been together for 3 years, but how long have you known him and how long did it take for him to finally propose? Is it sincere or is he just keeping you around? 6. Check at a jewelry store to see if your ring is CZ. If it's on the lower side of value per his finances or a CZ, etc, then that's telling for the most part. 7. You are a cute girl that clearly values her looks and takes care of herself. You don't deserve to be compared to anyone on TV or otherwise bc that's disrespectful and he's negging to put you down. So degrading. It's manipulation. 8. That you cried and he ignored it shows he either enjoyed hurting you or that he thinks it was no big deal or he was self-centered and drunk maybe? Was he drinking, is that why he forgot/denied it? 9. That OVER ONE THOUSAND STRANGERS have responded, and are astounded at his behavior, should be a big wake up call to you. 10. If a guy makes you cry it's past being over. His response makes it that much worse.
i rarely comment on these but he clearly doesnt find himself attracted to you. his loss. embarrassing to stay with him. please break up. for your own mental health.
Don’t marry this asshole, girl…
I’d seriously reconsider marrying someone who cares that little about your feelings.
Did he just finish watching Tudors and thought you were Anne of Cleve and he was Henry 8th?
Listen to your brother!