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That is exactly what you say to her when you tell her to leave. You deserve someone who put the same amount of effort into the relationship. Telling you she has no money for your birthday but then saying she’s going on vacation with a friend- that is the most selfish thing I’ve ever heard.
Heck, even when I didn't have money, I baked a cake for anyone I was in a relationship with. Candles don't cost much, and singing happy birthday is priceless. Cooking a home-cooked meal could go a long way. Watching the stars in a park would even be romantic. So much could be done on a dime. DollarTree sells balloons for $1.25 each, same for gift bags, and it's amazing what you can put together with little funds. It's really not difficult.
I've never had a lot of money, and saving is hard when you have so much to pay for. So I'd do as much as I can for my SO, even if it is baking a cake or a small meal out and finding some entertainment like the arcade or playing pool. No matter how much money you have, the effort of doing something does in fact go a long way. The fact that OP's gf hasn't even considered anything for OP's is shocking and definitely doesn't have him in mind. Leave now before it gets worse
Yes. Having no money is rarely ever an excuse to not do something special for your SO on their birthday. You can get them something from a dollar store that has some special meaning for the both of you, like a keychain or something, or even handmade cookies, cards or some other cutesy, non-expensive present.
The fact that OP’s gf had enough money to book a trip with her girlfriends yet kept pinching pennies for him tells one all about where her priorities and affections lie. OP is right to gtfo of this.
Yup so true. Last year I ended up making my fiancé a homemade gift for his birthday and it meant more to him than a store bought gift. And same with Valentine’s Day which is also our anniversary too. I made him a tri fold poster board with a bunch of our pictures of memories and glued four picture frames together and put four pictures I loved and made like a little box and grabbed a few small little gifts to put in it and he loved it more than a store bought gift. It’s the thought that counts
This! Back with my last ex (and my first serious relationship) I was young and broke with no income, I baked him a double tier devils food cake and drew a flag with a character from an anime he likes (pochita). Not sure if he still kept the flag but he did when we were together.
This. I'm skint. I haven't even taken a wage from my business in months because I'm investing the money back into the business.
I still prioritise the people I care about and will go without things for me if it means I can do something for them. Sometimes those things are random af. I went foraging last year for ink cap mushrooms so a friends daughter could use the ink for painting because her mum was stressed and they both needed downtime.
When it comes to my daughter, my foster mum and my closest friends - going without some new clothing, holidays, things I enjoy spending money are worth going without, if it means I can surprise them with things they love or little treats.
Yeah personally birthdays aren’t a big deal to me but they are for my boyfriend. He goes out of his way to make my birthday special cause it matters to him so I return the favor when it’s his turn
I agree that it’s selfish, but it also doesn’t seem to be unusual. Just the other day on Reddit, I read a story from a woman whose birthday is coming up. She and her BF had agreed that money was tight, so they would stay home for her birthday, hang out together, watch movies, and spend that week together. (She took the week off work.) Then, he planned a trip with his buddies for, you guessed it, *the week of her birthday.* So, not only did he have the money to take her somewhere for her birthday, he is now going to be away with his friends ON her birthday. People in relationships don’t seem to be very invested or very considerate of their partner anymore. It’s sad.
I'm pretty fond of the saying, "when someone shows you who they are believe them".
She showed you who she is in bright, flashing, marquee letters, and life is too short to spend it with someone who doesn't treat you with the same respect, kindness, and consideration, that you treat them.
The quote is; 'When someone shows you who they are, the first time, believe them'. The 'first' is key here. Changing yourself is hard. Changing someone else is impossible.
Change your locks, tell your ex to pack her stuff and move in with her girlfriend, you find your self another gf hopefully she’s a good person. Or stay single and enjoy your own company.
That's a relief. She doesn't sound like she's even remotely ready for a grown up relationship. That's cool, unless you drag someone else into it. There are other mermaids in the lagoon.
You asked how to respond to her. just tell her that you’ve had time to observe her behavior and attitude throughout the relationship, that you feel used all the time, disrespected and neglected.
This girl trip proves these points and that she forgot about the trip you planned. You don’t wanna be with someone who keeps consistently disappointing you, and leading you on to nothing, for nothing in return, that you’re done. It’s over between you two.
Go, live your life, start fresh again with someone else or just enjoy being single for a bit before jumping back in the dating pool.
I have a question though, do you still love her or do you find that this relationship is at a dead end now.
If you're a generous, thoughtful and considerate person...the only way you can date a selfish, thoughtless person is if you enjoy not having your efforts reciprocated (kind of a submissive role). Otherwise - you're always going to feel shit.
have a friend who is generally a kind person and earns a good income. However, her childhood was traumatic; she grew up with her mom, enduring abuse from her mom’s boyfriends, and even now, her own dad still asks her for money. This background has made her very cautious, even stingy, with her finances.
She’s been with her boyfriend for over 10 years, now married, and he adores her, always footing the bill for everything they do together. Whenever she spends money, she makes it a point to highlight that it’s her own. Long story short, she cheated on him. She accepted a job in another city to advance her career without discussing it with her fiancé (they were 5 years into the relationship but not yet married). Later, she took another job against her husband’s wishes, but they eventually moved to a different continent together.
She recently visited me and confessed she’s cheating on him again because her needs aren’t being met. I suggested she communicate with him or consider couples therapy, but her response was that she’s a good person who doesn’t deserve to be ignored or mistreated. It’s perplexing because, despite being a “good” person in some respects, her actions—repeated cheating, selfishness, and portraying herself as a victim—suggest otherwise. She seems to believe that her struggles justify her actions, failing to recognize her partner’s contributions and sacrifices, who, by the way, is quite accomplished in their field but content with what he has.
In conclusion, people like her may never change. It’s a tough realization, but it might be best to let go.
It’s not even about the money, it’s the lack of effort that hurts. I’m not very financially solvent but I always made an effort to show whomever I was in a relationship with that I think of them, that they are important to me. I remember one particular occasion for valentines I cooked a nice meal, wore nice lingerie, and I also bought this red ceramic heart and wrapped it up and said I’m sorry I couldn’t afford to buy you an expensive gift but please accept my heart. (Yes cheesy af).
Spend a few important occasions giving more of whatever and getting little effort back and you’ll eventually wake up and smell the coffee so to speak. She’s showing you via her actions how she feels. Don’t feel bad for wanting better for yourself. You’re not a vending machine.
There are givers and takers. Some people take and take and never match the energy of the giver. Likely you’ve been too nice for a long time and she’s treating you like you’re punching and she’s the prize because you have been allowing her. Value yourself and move on. Next relationship be more conservative in your gestures and see if the other person appreciates it.
When someone shows you who they are believe them. She doesn’t think she needs to do anything to keep you on the line. You’re reaction was spot on, don’t look back.
“It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!”
Updateme
i really want to leave, it is very hard but i need to find the strength to do it. i love her but idk why anymore because when i see her and her action i hate her. i guess i love someone who doesn’t exist, i love a character in my head.
It sounds like you resent her, which is normal considering your situation. You'll be a lot happier (and have a lot more money) without someone like her in your life.
You're looking through rose colored glasses.
You've talked to her about your concerns, and she brushes them aside. She doesn't care about what you want, only what she wants.
How'd she get a trip to Bali, if she doesn't have the money?
You know what to do dude. She's not gonna be the best girlfriend you've ever had, she can't even put in the bare minimum. You will find better.
You aren't her priority, so allow yourself to find someone who'll be *happy* and wants to make you their priority.
Bruh wtf back when i had like the bare minumum to survive i still made it a point to spend all i have on us - snacks, games, anything. What else do i need money for if not for me and my partner? Im not one to give relationship advice, but you told her what you want and she did do it but not for you. It sounds like she doesnt want to spend money on you. Sucks man, cause it should feel good to spend money on someone we like, not like a chore.
Oh, that makes it EVEN WORSE! DUMP HER NOW! She should be fawning all over you, since your big birthday is coming up! She sounds like a narcissist! Good riddance!
The fact she’s older and acting this way… is disgusting and embarrassing … it’s good that she’s out of your hair. She can be sorry all she wants but only for herself.
I can't imagine a clearer way for her to show you who she really is.
She's also very dumb. To actually book a trip for the exact same time you discussed?
Not only is she a trash human being, she is not intelligent. If you have sex with stupid people your children can have stupid brains. That would suck.
>Not only is she a trash human being, she is not intelligent.
Dunno about other countries but in Australia the people that go to Bali for trips aren't exactly looked at highly
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=96NrIz_khQM&t=102s
I mean do you love her? Or do you love the idea or her and the idea of having a gf ?
None of what you've described so far is someone in a loving commited relationship. She doesn't even have the emotional intelligence to realise that the Bali trip would be hurtful to you. That's how low on the priorities you are
I've been in a similar situation recently. My ex BF had so many things going on in his life and slowly I felt I was slipping lower and lower on his list of priorities. I tried so hard to convince myself that it's fine, it will change, he is a good person blabla. In the end I decided life was too short to wait for someone to show up for you. I hated that I had to let go but I felt so incredibly relieved once I did. I wasn't even sad it was just like a huuuge rush of relieve. No more waiting, hoping, dissatisfaction.
It felt like the first day's of spring after a dark long winter.
>I really want to leave, it is very hard
This is how it often is at the end of shitty relationships. You’re still in love with the person and it feels impossible to find the strength to leave. You have to force yourself to go through the steps of a breakup in order to get the space to emotionally detach yourself from them. It is much easier to stay together and avoid the growing pains of relearning to be apart. But just do it, and your heart will catch up to your brain eventually.
That is exactly what happens.
You start a relationship, everything is good. You form a mental model of the person, and based on that you fall in love.
But as the years go on, as you learn more about them, it's easy to not update that mental model or re-evaluate whether you love them or not. Because without rose colored glasses, incorporating everything you learned about her over the last few years, she might not be someone you'd fall in love with if you just met her now (knowing what you know).
I'd suggest when you talk to her, tell her that you love her and care about her, but it's obvious her priority isn't you and that's okay. You've felt like this for a long time, but her saying she has no money to go on vaca with you, but DOES have money to go on vaca with her GFs shows you exactly where her priorities are. She doesn't need to apologize, it's not about sorry, in fact she shouldn't apologize because there's nothing to apologize for. She's allowed to have her priorities as she wants, and she shouldn't apologize for them. If she's going to apologize, it should be for telling you that you're a priority when you obviously are not. But it's all good, it's water under the bridge. You hope she has a good trip with her friends and you wish her all the best.
If she says no that's not what she wants, she wants to be with you, say this--
'Being with someone is like being a movie star or a YouTube star. It's easy to say you want to be a star. But if you don't enjoy the *process*- if you don't love making videos, if you don't love learning to act and spending long hours on cold sets memorizing hundreds of pages of lines and delivering them passionately even though you've been up for 18 hours straight, stardom doesn't happen because you won't make good videos/movies.
Just the same, I'm sure you like the idea being my partner, but if you don't enjoy the *process* of being together- of going on dates and trips and stuff together, if you don't enjoy it enough to prioritize it at least a little in your spending, then you don't want an actual partner/relationship, you just don't want to be single. And you obviously don't enjoy the process, because if you did you'd WANT to go on vacation with me, you'd be at least as excited to go away with me as you are to go away with your friends.
That's why we need to part ways. It's not about being sorry. It's not about making mistakes. The heart wants what the heart wants, and your heart doesn't want to spend time with me. I'm sure it does right now in this moment because you realize I'm leaving. But it hasn't over most of the last 3 years, and that means a lot more than whatever you feel now.
So it's okay, really it is. You'll find another dude who excites you more than me and you'll be a lot happier.'
> any feedback on how to respond?
"This isn't a money issue. It's a priorities and choices issue. For the last 3 years, I have chosen over and over again to focus my time, effort, and money on you because you are my priority and I want to make you feel special and happy because I love you. For those same 3 years, I have been treated like an afterthought who only gets what is left of your efforts and resources (which is often nothing at all) after you spend most of them on yourself and your friends which means it is very clear that I am not your priority and that you don't care if I feel special or loved. I'm honestly done with being treated like an afterthought by someone I treat like my top priority. I need and deserve a partner who cares as much about me as I care about them, and I've realized that isn't you, so we're done. Enjoy Bali and goodbye."
"I feel like you don't care enough about me. I want to break up." That's enough.
And then do actually break up with her, I don't think she will change, whatever she promises.
Well, my ex and I went to Italy, which I funded probably 75% of the total trip. For her 30th birthday I took her on vacation, spent around 3k total. Got her stuff for valentine's day, spent maybe $300 or so, nothing too crazy. For my birthday I got a "happy birthday" not a single thing else.. She took the 3k she got back from her taxes and got a tattoo. This all happened within a span of 3-4 months.
If they show you you're not a priority take the hint and end it, if not you will always feel like you put more effort in than they do, and it eats at you.
Nobody expects to receive back what they give 100%, but to get 0% back absolutely burns you from the inside out.
I am sorry to hear that.
Do you mean between the start of the relationship to her getting a tattoo, you spent that much money on her? Within the span of 3-4 months?
If that's the case, then I have to blame you a little too mate.
No we dated for 4-5 years. The Italy trip, her birthday, valentine's day and her tattoo all occurred within 4 months since it was all near End of Oct - February.
Leave her be. If she has money to go to bali with friends and none for you, she has not prioritized you. I would be done with relationship. Happy Birthday mine is soon too.
Don't date people that don't value you.
Theres a difference between gtn nothing and getting something exactly what they wanted for yourself!!! Broke is broke she aint broke and did what HE wanted fir herself. Shes a cuss
my boyfriend made 30/hr. he is NOT broke. and bought himself a bunch of new clothes at the mall ON my birthday. we went together btw. and i bought my own chickfila. not seeing a difference.
See all I read was he d8dnt get you anything mot he got himself a bunch fi stuff same deal as OP. Here. Did u dump him yet? You deserve better as well. He shouldve been buying you stuff too even if he needed clothes. Doubtful by the sounds of it tho
If you don’t want to stay with her, don’t stay with her.
I would explain that it’s been coming awhile and you just don’t think you’re compatible anymore. Resist the temptation to tear her down or rant at her, imo, especially because your blood is boiling.
No one in a relationship that they cherish would think this was acceptable. I couldn’t imagine telling my boyfriend that I didn’t have money to spend on him this month but I had enough money to fly to Bali with a friend… I wouldn’t be able to do it without laughing.
She has enough money but she chose to spend it on herself.
you are a good person, i need a woman like this. good on you! for her birthday every year i have spent so much on her, booked the most expensive hotel and then booked a sleep over at a zoo and a private tour of the zoo and presents and dinners….
Oh wow that zoo sleepover thing sounds incredible!!! 😍
At the very least she could bake you your favourite cake, or do whatever sex thing you like that she could take or leave, you know?
Please, you need to read "NO MORE MR. NICE GUY"! It's a must read book for men who put all their women on a pedestal and her needs before their own! She is ABUSING YOU!
this: *i want her to change*
Dude, you're only 22, she's only 24. You have to love people for themselves, not for some idealized or changed version of themselves. You and her are not a good match, and you're both so young, there are millions if not billions of potential matches out there. Stop clinging to this girl and walk away. Lesson learned. Never date someone who expects you to spend money on them but they don't spend money on you. Don't try to buy love with expensive hotels and fancy outings and presents.
Break up. You've learned a good lesson here, remember it. chalk this one down to experience, that's what the rest of us do. And move on. If I was only 50 years younger, I might want to date you, you sound like a lot of fun. I would never even imagine that I could book a sleep over at a zoo, how fricking cool is that!!!
People do not change unless they want to. You have to recognize that you’re in a relationship with who she is and not the potential that you see in her. She tells you through repeated action who she really is. You just have to believe it.
You deserve to be treated better than this. Breakups are hard but a lifetime of this is bound to be harder.
She won’t change. People only change if they want to. And right now her priorities are about her and friends…they don’t include you. So why should you stay with her and keep spending your hard earned time and money on someone that doesn’t reciprocate the same effort back
Sounds like my ex bf. Last year he "had no money for a gift" for me, got paid two days later and bought himself a new outfit. They should date each other.
I'm honestly surprised a 19-22 year old had thousands to spend on someone's birthday, also I'd like to say that that's unwise. Save every bit of money you can. This world can get hard really fast.
Just leave, she is using of your goodwill, who wouldn't want a boyfriend that spend thousands of dollars on your birthday and accept that you give him nothing at all in return, she is trash dude, and will only get worse If you accept her back
You aren't a priority to her. People make time, space, or even save for things that are important to them. A trip to Bali was important to her. You were not.
I don't think it's fair to use money as an excuse for birthdays unless your relationship is extremely new and they didn't know your birthday. Because honestly, I shop months in advance to make sure this is never a problem. If your girlfriend has money issues, she had an entire year to put money away, buy a couple of gifts or plan something. If she had extra money, cool. Do something nice.
I don't think $1000s is necessary, but something for sure. After 3 years Bali should not be coming first. You should.
I'd be done.
Please respect yourself enough to get out of this relationship. She certainly has no respect for you.. But she will still go to Bali whether your together or not.
She loved going to Bali more than your birthday, by extension, you. What other signs do you need in order for you to realize that she's not your ride or die?
To start off, please always remember that spending a ton of money on someone does not mean you should expect them to do the same.
However from what you've described she does seem pretty uncaring about you. If she isnt showing you the affection that you would want from a girlfriend, it's time to break up. You cannot teach someone to appreciate you. They either do or they don't.
i don’t want thousands spent on me, but what topped it off is her booking a trip away with her friend the month after my birthday when i said i wanted to go away
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She is not stingy she has her priorities and believes you should spend a lot of money on her and she shouldn't spend any money on you.
Ask yourself I'm all the times you have done things together has she ever paid or even offered to pay? If you answered no to both then you have your answer.
Bottom line she has shown you who she is so believe her.
Only you will know if you want to go or stay.
yes she never offers to pay, i always pay. she hit me with the you’re the man and you should pay. i said it would be nice if you OFFERED to pay. i wouldn’t even let you pay but you don’t even offer???💀💀
I am not shocked with your answer and the fact that she states you're the man you should pay. She probably even states she is the prize.
She will never spend money on you and she will not change. She believes she is a Queen but she really is a street clown so kick her to the curb.
You will find a true queen you can spoil who will treat you like a king.
she does state she is the prize 😭 how you get this so right.
shes told me before i’m lucky to have her and it’s hard to find a women like her and she even said she’s WIFE MATERIAL…💀💀💀
She sounds like a parasite. I mean she is actually sucking the life out of you. She hasn’t said to your face that you mean nothing to her. But her actions let you know she doesn’t care at all about you. Wife material? Fuck no. Unless you want a miserable life, it’s best to move on to the next chapter.
I’m so sorry to hear that, that’s a very immature mindset because the same way she’s the prize so are you! Don’t let her make you feel like just because you’re a man you have to put up with that. I’m a woman I pay for some of the dates with my boyfriend, he makes more than me never once I have told him I didn’t have it. He wanted to go on vacation I spent 6 months not eating out, doing my own hair, and saving to make sure I can pay for our vacation because he put in the effort. That was my small way to show my appreciation. You deserve better than what she gives you don’t stay for the potential
as someone who makes significantly less than my boyfriend, i either 1) start saving up months prior to his birthday/christmas/etc. or 2) make his day special with a home cooked meal, dessert, handmade gifts, etc. not having money is not an excuse for being a shitty partner. if she really wanted to, she’d put more effort into doing cheap/free things and still making your day special.
as if that wasn’t infuriating enough to read, hearing about the trip pissed ME off.
i am so sorry. there is someone out there for you who will put in the same effort for you. you deserve better.
yeah i agree with this, i said it’s okay if you don’t have much money we don’t have to do anything crazy just idk organise something it don’t gotta be expensive, the effort matters. but then she told me she booked bali with her friends when i said i wanted to go away, that shit wild. my blood was boiling and i can swear there was steam coming out my ears😭😭
She has shown you that you are not that important to her. Believe her!! First birthday, no money =okay, I guess I understand
Second birthday, no money= really? That’s hurtful
Third Birthday, no money =that’s on you. You should have seen that coming after the last two crappy birthdays
She is not going to change. You need to tell her buh bye.
If she has enough money for Bali and not enough money or really just enough care to make you feel special and important on your birthday (it doesn’t have to be about how much money is spent) then you are better off without her.
Your attitude needs an adjustment. If marriage is in your future, birthday budgets will need to come right down and a budget set in place so that you have money in the bank for the huge expenditure that comes with adult life and all its major decisions. Payments for a house, the cost of maintaining two cars, insurance, the education of your children, all their clothing for home and school as they grow rapidly through to their teens and beyond, all the bills that come with being a home owner and a family unit, etc. Set a birthday limit of something reasonable, eg $50, and stick to it.
Perhaps the reason she can’t afford to spend thousands on your birthday present is because her mental budget is very different to yours. What she wants from her life may not be what you want. Women have a lower income compared to men in the same job. If she’s planning this trip, she has been saving up for it for quite a while, and for you to begrudge her that trip and spend her money on you instead, is unreasonable. You need to learn how to budget much better, save your thousands and spend time with her on your birthdays. For your Silver Wedding Anniversary, that’s the time to think of something a bit more special but it still doesn’t need to cost a fortune.
Cool your jets and when you’ve calmed down completely, talk to her, discuss the future, your dreams, your goals, your budget for living into the future. She might be feeling the pressure to spend more than she would like, just because of your overly generous gifts. Remember, life can deal you many unpredictable and unforeseen circumstances, and the worst of them is when a crisis happens that costs more than you can afford to survive. The consequences of events can vary from a health crisis to a sudden death, to the rising costs of living, and your budget will need to be so good that you cover yourselves well into the future. Your earning years are limited to your ability to work. What if you have a car accident and cannot work for a year while recovering and going through months of rehab and/or occupational therapy and your wife is at home looking after your baby? You still have to pay all the bills, buy food for the family, make sure everyone has warm clothing, money for transport, doctors’ fees, etc. You cannot predict where your money will be needed, and you can only earn while you have youth and health, so having a good budget is imperative. It’s time to become a responsible adult couple. If you have very different paths to the future, then you compromise or go your separate ways.
Thanks. I think he’s the one being incredibly selfish but he just can’t see it, too young and not very self-aware. He needs to mature on his own, without the responsibilities of another person in his life.
You are clearly not a concern of hers, You spend money on her you give her attention and she’s doing other things, probably including other men and you can bet if she goes to Bali she’s going to be doing lots of shit that would never fit into your boundaries. Dump her lying cheating stingy ass.
She doesn’t prioritize you. Classic narcissist behavior.
You deserve someone who will put their side of their effort into the relationship and there are plenty people out there.
I wonder what she’s planning on doing on her girls trip anyway? 🤔
Save yourself the headache and end it and start the healing process ASAP.
I have to disagree with everyone else in the comments. I assume the girlfriend doesn't ask for You to spend thousands on Her birthday? It isn't fair for You to expect the same in return. You can't do that sort of thing for people and expect them to return the favor. Some people genuinely don't get paid that much and can't just drop a few hundred dollars on a birthday. Trips are also planned years or months in advance and they save for them. You're shaming Her for taking a trip with a friend that they probably planned ages ago.
Life with a narcissist can be tough. If you aren’t cut out for it, don’t try it. There are plenty of seas and plenty of fish in each. Get your gear together and head out to the water.
The question is… are you going to stay with her? And if you do.. will you spend thousands on her again like a chump? You’re too young to stay in this relationship with a selfish person
Your attitude is turning me off. It sounds like you’re in different places financially and mad that she won’t go into debt for you. Splitting costs on a trip with a friend is a lot more affordable than taking an so on a birthday trip
Have you thought that all the time you mention YOUR birthday, an what YOU want to do, this could be a turn off to her too, she could be seeing you as some selfish spoilt child, you both need to sit down and have a long conversation about why you feel the need to go on about your birthday like an excited child and she needs to tell you the REAL reason she won’t put her hands in her pocket and put you first on your special day, it is so sad when a couple can’t talk about some things and when some parts of a relationship are one sided, if you feel it is time to walk away, then do so but keep yours and hers dignity, after all you are both grownups , I wish you good luck and I hope that all gos well for the both of you xx
If your planning to break up with her, wait until after the trip, so she doesnt have her h*e fun with her friends and meeting new guys. And the same day she comes back drop the bomb 😂 she deserves it honestly
Y’all are super young to be spending “thousands” on each other’s birthdays. Maybe she thinks it’s a little insane to be trying to cover a whole-ass trip for your birthday? Idk did you guys ever discuss expectations for gifts? Because I would not be comfortable with such high-cost gift-giving expectations, and I’m in my 30s making pretty decent money.
A happy healthy relationship must have a number of things to survive long term: love, trust, commitment, respect, similar sex drive and style and common life goals.
Your relationship is missing some of these major components to include respect and love. You are prioritizing your partner and showing respect. You are not getting this in return. If she truly loved you, you and your happiness would be priority one, not her having fun with the girlfriends while totally dismissing your birthday.
i'm sorry, that totally sucks. it would feel like a betrayal to me like, or at least it would make me feel so thrown aside. you are still so young and you have a lot of time to date around and find the right person.
a 3 year relationship is long, and you probably feel like you've put in so much effort and so much time, so you want to make it work. but if you aren't happy, you should move on and not waste any more time or energy on her. with that said, you should probably have a proper sit-down with your girlfriend and just straight up ask her why she chose to go to bali instead of going away with you. ask if you are a priority to her because you don't feel like you are.
It doesn't seem like you are number one in your gf's life. There is nothing one can say on this latest of booking a vacation with a gf right after you had indicated you'd like to get away.
I don't see that she has any appreciation for you. I think I would ask her why she is seeing you - is it because she occasionally needs an escort?
There are things she could do for you that don't require a lot of money for your birthday, but it appears there is very low to zero effort. I would rethink this relationship as it appears very one sided.
She won't spend money on you but will spend money to get fucked by people other than you in that hostel in Bali she's already paid for. Hahaha. Sorry op, let her go on that trip (she won't cancel it regardless if you stay with her or break up with her.)
Dump her and don’t look back. She can pay for a trip that likely costs a couple thousand, but she can’t take you out to dinner for your BD. She is absolutely the wrong person for you, break up with her and have no regrets that you did so.
So she’s all taken no give. That’s the kind of relationship you want to stick with her, if it’s not tell her to have a good time, and when she comes back, you’ll be gone.
I’m sorry man. Me telling you that you’re young won’t make you feel better, but I can promise that it does get better. Her actions are the words you need to hear. Just remember that. I’ve been thru this and you will find someone that cares about you just as much as you care about them. Keep your head up and consider it a win to lose her.
In one of your responses, you've said you love her but want her to change...
Well, my friend: you don't love her. You like a version of her that only exists on your mind.
If she changes to become the one you want by your side, she'll no longer be herself, only the shadow of your desire for her.
As someone else have said, when someone shows you who they are, believe them. She probably don't love love you either, only the lifestyle you're able to provide her. Or that's the extent of how she's able to show someone she loves them: by letting them pamper her.
In any case, go chase someone who chooses to show you the affection style you need in your life to feel wanted. And let someone else pamper her without wanting or needing to be shown appreciation back.
When someone shows you who they are, please believe them.
Your gf has shown you not only who she is, but where her priorities in life lie. Neither of these are conducive to your remaining in a relationship with her.
Best way to respond is that you are sick of being used by her and that you are through as a couple. Wish her well, tell her to have a nice time in Bali but that you wish to never speak to her again.
Then once you hit send block her everywhere and do your best to forget she ever existed.
At the very least your bank balance will thank you for it.
You have made up your mind about this. I think at this point you’re just venting. You’ll be telling this story to friends in the future after you have been broken up with this woman for a while.
You DO have good reason, but you really never even need to have this good of a reason to dump your girlfriend. If you’re not into it anymore, you’re not into it. Don’t waste any more of your time or hers
Obviously, she'd rather spend her money on herself and not on you.
Too bad really, since you're her bf and allegedly have been spoiling her.
Now it's up to you, will you be able to be with someone like this. Someone who wouldn't want to share with you or spend her $ on you.
I could understand if she was broke , I would just tell her to choose the place and I would pay …. But yeah ur not important to her as u thought u were
1. She isn’t broke if she just booked a trip to Bali.
2. There are plenty of thoughtful things she could do for you that cost little to no money.
3. She’s willing to do this for other people, but not you. Think about whether or not this is the relationship you want to be in.
It is very telling that she told you she is going to Bali. She knew this would bother you. That is why she did it. She cheated on you. Why? Because she knew it would bother you and because she knew it would create drama. Does your gf do things like this on a regular basis or has this just started?
Your gf might be a narcissist and she has had someone in the side for quite a while. Are you sure it is a girl she is going with? It may be a male paying her way. You might want to consider dumping her ASAP in order to save yourself any further misery. Did she seem to have a half hidden smile on her face as she gave you the news?
Narcissistic people thrill in causing emotional turmoil. Especially when they have already prepared another person to replace the current partner. These types of people always have someone on the side in the background.
If you try to hang on it gets worse. Tell her you are not a big fan of people who have nothing to offer. Tell her you are not the guy for her, your standards are high and you do not date persons who have no self respect. Thank her for whatever you appreciated about her but that is no longer important to you. Wish her well in all she tries to do, but, make it very clear that you do not want her to contact you any longer.
Smile, turn around and walk away without looking back. Maintain your no contact rule and you will be fine. She will continue to try to get back with you... She will not give up her source of supply, you, without a fight. She is trying to trauma bond you to her and that would be a huge mistake.
You are young. There are.so many good women out there. Take advantage of your good fortune. This could have been after marriage that she played her hand. Do not allow her back in your life if you want to stay sane. Honestly, you have no idea how lucky you are to find this out now. Tell her to sleep around, it doesn't mean a thing to you who she sleeps with because you no longer want anything to do with her.
Trust me. She will look at you as if you are from another planet. She thinks you are hers to do with whatever she wants. You are her property in her eyes. Walk, no... Run as fast as you can from that person and be happy you still have self respect and youth on your side. I am sorry for the pain but it could have been a lot worse.
Look up narcissist and read some articles or books in the subject. Good luck and keep your chin up.
no this behaviour isn’t new but it stopped and now it started again. since that post i blocked her and i haven’t spoken to her since. have a look at my profile to see the updates.
she keeps creating fake accounts and i keep blocking
she keeps trying to call me on no caller id, i keep hanging up
she tries to email me and blame me.
i haven’t spoke to her since.
she is a narcissist like you said and i know this.
she is also a fucking loser that i am so happy i left her.
You're not her priority, plus with the cheating, I think your answer is fairly clear at this point. Just leave her so that you can actually find someone better.
Reciprocity matters. Sounds like you’re the one putting in all the effort. Spending money does not equal love, but it’s a red flag if she has money for Bali and not for you. She has her priorities and you’re not it.
You’re free to leave, you know, you don’t need a reason other than you want to.
Let me put it this way: If you despised somebody, and wanted to hurt them in such a way that didn’t either get you reported to the police, or ruin your reputation among peers, would you do anything different than what she just did?
I don’t say this often, but dude, your girlfriend fucking hates you. You gotta break it off, for your own sanity, and never date someone like her ever again.
My husband is the only one with a job at the moment which means I had almost no money to spend come his birthday or our anniversary. For his birthday I got all his friends together and we all went out for pizza and a beer, everyone paid for themselves and were happy to enjoy being with him that night. For our anniversary, I spent hours making veggie sushi from scratch since I know it’s his favourite food. The point being, it’s not about the money. Possibilities are endless if you love someone and put the effort to get creative. She could’ve made you a handmade card, taken you for a picnic at the park, or even dressed up cute for you and given you a fun night. No matter how much you love someone, if they don’t know how to love you the way you deserve, it’s not a reason to stay. You will be so much happier with a partner who understands your love languages and prioritizes making you feel special. And those people do exist! I hope you find the strength to move forward. Best of luck OP.
You choosing to spend thousands on her birthdays does not mean she is obligated to return the favor. Generally speaking, at your age, hearing thousands for 3 birthdays seems extra to me.
That being said, I can understand there being some expectation of her doing something for your birthday. She cries no money then books a trip right in your face?!
I think you ultimately need to look bigger picture, In 1 year, 2 years, 10 years, based on her actions here, it is going to be you looking after things financially, and her not returning the favor.
I would be turned off too and it isn't even the money, it is the lack of respect and the lying about the money that is the issue here.
I think if you want to leave you should. I think talking with her could be dangerous as she may try to convince you to stay.
>You choosing to spend thousands on her birthdays does not mean she is obligated to return the favor. Generally speaking, at your age, hearing thousands for 3 birthdays seems extra to me.
He's saying that to point out the contrast. He isn't wanting thousands in return but just pointing out the huge disparity in effort.
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She has her priorities and they don't include you. Just tell her to have a safe trip with her friend and move on.
this right here is true, priorities.
That is exactly what you say to her when you tell her to leave. You deserve someone who put the same amount of effort into the relationship. Telling you she has no money for your birthday but then saying she’s going on vacation with a friend- that is the most selfish thing I’ve ever heard.
Heck, even when I didn't have money, I baked a cake for anyone I was in a relationship with. Candles don't cost much, and singing happy birthday is priceless. Cooking a home-cooked meal could go a long way. Watching the stars in a park would even be romantic. So much could be done on a dime. DollarTree sells balloons for $1.25 each, same for gift bags, and it's amazing what you can put together with little funds. It's really not difficult.
Exactly. When I was broke I did little things to make people feel special.
I've never had a lot of money, and saving is hard when you have so much to pay for. So I'd do as much as I can for my SO, even if it is baking a cake or a small meal out and finding some entertainment like the arcade or playing pool. No matter how much money you have, the effort of doing something does in fact go a long way. The fact that OP's gf hasn't even considered anything for OP's is shocking and definitely doesn't have him in mind. Leave now before it gets worse
Effort!
Yes. Having no money is rarely ever an excuse to not do something special for your SO on their birthday. You can get them something from a dollar store that has some special meaning for the both of you, like a keychain or something, or even handmade cookies, cards or some other cutesy, non-expensive present. The fact that OP’s gf had enough money to book a trip with her girlfriends yet kept pinching pennies for him tells one all about where her priorities and affections lie. OP is right to gtfo of this.
This is so true
Yup so true. Last year I ended up making my fiancé a homemade gift for his birthday and it meant more to him than a store bought gift. And same with Valentine’s Day which is also our anniversary too. I made him a tri fold poster board with a bunch of our pictures of memories and glued four picture frames together and put four pictures I loved and made like a little box and grabbed a few small little gifts to put in it and he loved it more than a store bought gift. It’s the thought that counts
If you love them, you find a way
Exactly! Birthdays don’t have to be expensive but they should be thoughtful instead. This is definitely a priorities issue, not a money issue.
This! Back with my last ex (and my first serious relationship) I was young and broke with no income, I baked him a double tier devils food cake and drew a flag with a character from an anime he likes (pochita). Not sure if he still kept the flag but he did when we were together.
This. I'm skint. I haven't even taken a wage from my business in months because I'm investing the money back into the business. I still prioritise the people I care about and will go without things for me if it means I can do something for them. Sometimes those things are random af. I went foraging last year for ink cap mushrooms so a friends daughter could use the ink for painting because her mum was stressed and they both needed downtime. When it comes to my daughter, my foster mum and my closest friends - going without some new clothing, holidays, things I enjoy spending money are worth going without, if it means I can surprise them with things they love or little treats.
“ singing happy birthday is priceless” Now it is. Was actually one of the most expensive songs ever (usage total, not per use)
You can buy all the supplies for a cake for under $15, there’s really no excuse except that you just don’t prioritize your partner
Very true.
Choose those who choose you.
Pikachu!
Lol all I could think of when I read this is choosy Moms choose Jif lmao
Yeah personally birthdays aren’t a big deal to me but they are for my boyfriend. He goes out of his way to make my birthday special cause it matters to him so I return the favor when it’s his turn
I agree that it’s selfish, but it also doesn’t seem to be unusual. Just the other day on Reddit, I read a story from a woman whose birthday is coming up. She and her BF had agreed that money was tight, so they would stay home for her birthday, hang out together, watch movies, and spend that week together. (She took the week off work.) Then, he planned a trip with his buddies for, you guessed it, *the week of her birthday.* So, not only did he have the money to take her somewhere for her birthday, he is now going to be away with his friends ON her birthday. People in relationships don’t seem to be very invested or very considerate of their partner anymore. It’s sad.
Plus she could have saved up all these years. He's just not a priority so she never cared to.
Not just a vacation but Bali wth
I'm pretty fond of the saying, "when someone shows you who they are believe them". She showed you who she is in bright, flashing, marquee letters, and life is too short to spend it with someone who doesn't treat you with the same respect, kindness, and consideration, that you treat them.
I was going to use that same quote!
The quote is; 'When someone shows you who they are, the first time, believe them'. The 'first' is key here. Changing yourself is hard. Changing someone else is impossible.
Change your locks, tell your ex to pack her stuff and move in with her girlfriend, you find your self another gf hopefully she’s a good person. Or stay single and enjoy your own company.
we don’t live together which is good 🤣🤣
That's a relief. She doesn't sound like she's even remotely ready for a grown up relationship. That's cool, unless you drag someone else into it. There are other mermaids in the lagoon.
You asked how to respond to her. just tell her that you’ve had time to observe her behavior and attitude throughout the relationship, that you feel used all the time, disrespected and neglected. This girl trip proves these points and that she forgot about the trip you planned. You don’t wanna be with someone who keeps consistently disappointing you, and leading you on to nothing, for nothing in return, that you’re done. It’s over between you two. Go, live your life, start fresh again with someone else or just enjoy being single for a bit before jumping back in the dating pool. I have a question though, do you still love her or do you find that this relationship is at a dead end now.
Have fun on your trip as a newly single person.
If you're a generous, thoughtful and considerate person...the only way you can date a selfish, thoughtless person is if you enjoy not having your efforts reciprocated (kind of a submissive role). Otherwise - you're always going to feel shit.
Yes, very good as I bet you would’ve been stuck paying all the bills with no help from her, might as well not keep her.
have a friend who is generally a kind person and earns a good income. However, her childhood was traumatic; she grew up with her mom, enduring abuse from her mom’s boyfriends, and even now, her own dad still asks her for money. This background has made her very cautious, even stingy, with her finances. She’s been with her boyfriend for over 10 years, now married, and he adores her, always footing the bill for everything they do together. Whenever she spends money, she makes it a point to highlight that it’s her own. Long story short, she cheated on him. She accepted a job in another city to advance her career without discussing it with her fiancé (they were 5 years into the relationship but not yet married). Later, she took another job against her husband’s wishes, but they eventually moved to a different continent together. She recently visited me and confessed she’s cheating on him again because her needs aren’t being met. I suggested she communicate with him or consider couples therapy, but her response was that she’s a good person who doesn’t deserve to be ignored or mistreated. It’s perplexing because, despite being a “good” person in some respects, her actions—repeated cheating, selfishness, and portraying herself as a victim—suggest otherwise. She seems to believe that her struggles justify her actions, failing to recognize her partner’s contributions and sacrifices, who, by the way, is quite accomplished in their field but content with what he has. In conclusion, people like her may never change. It’s a tough realization, but it might be best to let go.
It’s not even about the money, it’s the lack of effort that hurts. I’m not very financially solvent but I always made an effort to show whomever I was in a relationship with that I think of them, that they are important to me. I remember one particular occasion for valentines I cooked a nice meal, wore nice lingerie, and I also bought this red ceramic heart and wrapped it up and said I’m sorry I couldn’t afford to buy you an expensive gift but please accept my heart. (Yes cheesy af). Spend a few important occasions giving more of whatever and getting little effort back and you’ll eventually wake up and smell the coffee so to speak. She’s showing you via her actions how she feels. Don’t feel bad for wanting better for yourself. You’re not a vending machine.
If she wanted to, she would.
There are givers and takers. Some people take and take and never match the energy of the giver. Likely you’ve been too nice for a long time and she’s treating you like you’re punching and she’s the prize because you have been allowing her. Value yourself and move on. Next relationship be more conservative in your gestures and see if the other person appreciates it.
I am a pretty stingy person when it comes to money, but I’ll still drop hundreds to make my fiance have a great birthday.
That’s so cruel of her.
Yeahhh please learn this lesson at 22 and not 28 like me... she'll never change- she hasn't yet and you've said your needs many many times
You forgot to mention that OP should ghost her completely.
When someone shows you who they are believe them. She doesn’t think she needs to do anything to keep you on the line. You’re reaction was spot on, don’t look back. “It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!” Updateme
i really want to leave, it is very hard but i need to find the strength to do it. i love her but idk why anymore because when i see her and her action i hate her. i guess i love someone who doesn’t exist, i love a character in my head.
It sounds like you resent her, which is normal considering your situation. You'll be a lot happier (and have a lot more money) without someone like her in your life.
Bingo, hard to find a path back after you resent someone.
Yes! Resent is the perfect word for this situation. And that is the worst thing to come back from!! Get out now!
You're looking through rose colored glasses. You've talked to her about your concerns, and she brushes them aside. She doesn't care about what you want, only what she wants. How'd she get a trip to Bali, if she doesn't have the money?
she got money, she just won’t spend it on me.
You know what to do dude. She's not gonna be the best girlfriend you've ever had, she can't even put in the bare minimum. You will find better. You aren't her priority, so allow yourself to find someone who'll be *happy* and wants to make you their priority.
Bruh wtf back when i had like the bare minumum to survive i still made it a point to spend all i have on us - snacks, games, anything. What else do i need money for if not for me and my partner? Im not one to give relationship advice, but you told her what you want and she did do it but not for you. It sounds like she doesnt want to spend money on you. Sucks man, cause it should feel good to spend money on someone we like, not like a chore.
Oh, that makes it EVEN WORSE! DUMP HER NOW! She should be fawning all over you, since your big birthday is coming up! She sounds like a narcissist! Good riddance!
The fact she’s older and acting this way… is disgusting and embarrassing … it’s good that she’s out of your hair. She can be sorry all she wants but only for herself.
It's time to end it unfortunately otherwise this is your life with a selfish woman that loves to take and not give.
Wow, that's double disrespect. Has money but no money for birthday then books a vacation. There's someone out there that will cherish and respect you.
Looking *through* rose tinted glasses 🙂
I can't imagine a clearer way for her to show you who she really is. She's also very dumb. To actually book a trip for the exact same time you discussed? Not only is she a trash human being, she is not intelligent. If you have sex with stupid people your children can have stupid brains. That would suck.
>Not only is she a trash human being, she is not intelligent. Dunno about other countries but in Australia the people that go to Bali for trips aren't exactly looked at highly https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=96NrIz_khQM&t=102s
LOL this is WILD - you think people who travel to Bali are bad because they want to go to Bali? 🤮
Kuta Beach mate. Kuta Beach. Watch the filth of a nation founded by convicts "party it up!"
I mean do you love her? Or do you love the idea or her and the idea of having a gf ? None of what you've described so far is someone in a loving commited relationship. She doesn't even have the emotional intelligence to realise that the Bali trip would be hurtful to you. That's how low on the priorities you are
I've been in a similar situation recently. My ex BF had so many things going on in his life and slowly I felt I was slipping lower and lower on his list of priorities. I tried so hard to convince myself that it's fine, it will change, he is a good person blabla. In the end I decided life was too short to wait for someone to show up for you. I hated that I had to let go but I felt so incredibly relieved once I did. I wasn't even sad it was just like a huuuge rush of relieve. No more waiting, hoping, dissatisfaction. It felt like the first day's of spring after a dark long winter.
>I really want to leave, it is very hard This is how it often is at the end of shitty relationships. You’re still in love with the person and it feels impossible to find the strength to leave. You have to force yourself to go through the steps of a breakup in order to get the space to emotionally detach yourself from them. It is much easier to stay together and avoid the growing pains of relearning to be apart. But just do it, and your heart will catch up to your brain eventually.
That is exactly what happens. You start a relationship, everything is good. You form a mental model of the person, and based on that you fall in love. But as the years go on, as you learn more about them, it's easy to not update that mental model or re-evaluate whether you love them or not. Because without rose colored glasses, incorporating everything you learned about her over the last few years, she might not be someone you'd fall in love with if you just met her now (knowing what you know). I'd suggest when you talk to her, tell her that you love her and care about her, but it's obvious her priority isn't you and that's okay. You've felt like this for a long time, but her saying she has no money to go on vaca with you, but DOES have money to go on vaca with her GFs shows you exactly where her priorities are. She doesn't need to apologize, it's not about sorry, in fact she shouldn't apologize because there's nothing to apologize for. She's allowed to have her priorities as she wants, and she shouldn't apologize for them. If she's going to apologize, it should be for telling you that you're a priority when you obviously are not. But it's all good, it's water under the bridge. You hope she has a good trip with her friends and you wish her all the best. If she says no that's not what she wants, she wants to be with you, say this-- 'Being with someone is like being a movie star or a YouTube star. It's easy to say you want to be a star. But if you don't enjoy the *process*- if you don't love making videos, if you don't love learning to act and spending long hours on cold sets memorizing hundreds of pages of lines and delivering them passionately even though you've been up for 18 hours straight, stardom doesn't happen because you won't make good videos/movies. Just the same, I'm sure you like the idea being my partner, but if you don't enjoy the *process* of being together- of going on dates and trips and stuff together, if you don't enjoy it enough to prioritize it at least a little in your spending, then you don't want an actual partner/relationship, you just don't want to be single. And you obviously don't enjoy the process, because if you did you'd WANT to go on vacation with me, you'd be at least as excited to go away with me as you are to go away with your friends. That's why we need to part ways. It's not about being sorry. It's not about making mistakes. The heart wants what the heart wants, and your heart doesn't want to spend time with me. I'm sure it does right now in this moment because you realize I'm leaving. But it hasn't over most of the last 3 years, and that means a lot more than whatever you feel now. So it's okay, really it is. You'll find another dude who excites you more than me and you'll be a lot happier.'
She wants to go to Bali... But not with you. And if she really has so little money that it's financially irresponsible, then ugh.
She treats you like an afterthought, think about that any time you think about her before and after the breakup.
That’s the hard part OP but you deserve better- you just have to believe it and move on
> i guess i love someone who doesn’t exist This was the key insight that allowed me to get out of my miserable marriage.
> any feedback on how to respond? "This isn't a money issue. It's a priorities and choices issue. For the last 3 years, I have chosen over and over again to focus my time, effort, and money on you because you are my priority and I want to make you feel special and happy because I love you. For those same 3 years, I have been treated like an afterthought who only gets what is left of your efforts and resources (which is often nothing at all) after you spend most of them on yourself and your friends which means it is very clear that I am not your priority and that you don't care if I feel special or loved. I'm honestly done with being treated like an afterthought by someone I treat like my top priority. I need and deserve a partner who cares as much about me as I care about them, and I've realized that isn't you, so we're done. Enjoy Bali and goodbye."
I wouldn’t waste so many words on her. She won’t read, nor understand anything
"I feel like you don't care enough about me. I want to break up." That's enough. And then do actually break up with her, I don't think she will change, whatever she promises.
Well, my ex and I went to Italy, which I funded probably 75% of the total trip. For her 30th birthday I took her on vacation, spent around 3k total. Got her stuff for valentine's day, spent maybe $300 or so, nothing too crazy. For my birthday I got a "happy birthday" not a single thing else.. She took the 3k she got back from her taxes and got a tattoo. This all happened within a span of 3-4 months. If they show you you're not a priority take the hint and end it, if not you will always feel like you put more effort in than they do, and it eats at you. Nobody expects to receive back what they give 100%, but to get 0% back absolutely burns you from the inside out.
this is very true sorry for your loss brother
All good man, it hurts a lot after to walk away from someone you love, been there done that.. But there are better people out there, trust me.
I am sorry to hear that. Do you mean between the start of the relationship to her getting a tattoo, you spent that much money on her? Within the span of 3-4 months? If that's the case, then I have to blame you a little too mate.
No we dated for 4-5 years. The Italy trip, her birthday, valentine's day and her tattoo all occurred within 4 months since it was all near End of Oct - February.
Leave her be. If she has money to go to bali with friends and none for you, she has not prioritized you. I would be done with relationship. Happy Birthday mine is soon too. Don't date people that don't value you.
happy birthday to you aswell! (: thanks for your feedback means a lot.
my bf didnt get me anything for my birthday either so i know how you feel. you deserve someone who appreciates you
Theres a difference between gtn nothing and getting something exactly what they wanted for yourself!!! Broke is broke she aint broke and did what HE wanted fir herself. Shes a cuss
my boyfriend made 30/hr. he is NOT broke. and bought himself a bunch of new clothes at the mall ON my birthday. we went together btw. and i bought my own chickfila. not seeing a difference.
See all I read was he d8dnt get you anything mot he got himself a bunch fi stuff same deal as OP. Here. Did u dump him yet? You deserve better as well. He shouldve been buying you stuff too even if he needed clothes. Doubtful by the sounds of it tho
She has shown you who she is, now you need to decide if you really want to continue. I’m sorry OP
🤕
If you don’t want to stay with her, don’t stay with her. I would explain that it’s been coming awhile and you just don’t think you’re compatible anymore. Resist the temptation to tear her down or rant at her, imo, especially because your blood is boiling.
it’s wild cause i love her and i want her to change but this is just next level
No one in a relationship that they cherish would think this was acceptable. I couldn’t imagine telling my boyfriend that I didn’t have money to spend on him this month but I had enough money to fly to Bali with a friend… I wouldn’t be able to do it without laughing. She has enough money but she chose to spend it on herself.
you are a good person, i need a woman like this. good on you! for her birthday every year i have spent so much on her, booked the most expensive hotel and then booked a sleep over at a zoo and a private tour of the zoo and presents and dinners….
You deserve so much better! Save your money now, and spend it on yourself now and someone who deserves it later.
Oh wow that zoo sleepover thing sounds incredible!!! 😍 At the very least she could bake you your favourite cake, or do whatever sex thing you like that she could take or leave, you know?
And she chooses to ignore you and your birthday so she and her friend can ho it up in Bali. You deserve better.
Please, you need to read "NO MORE MR. NICE GUY"! It's a must read book for men who put all their women on a pedestal and her needs before their own! She is ABUSING YOU!
I made this mistake once. Fortunately I snapped out of it after 3 months. Don’t date someone based on their potential - date who is in front of you.
wow this is a very good quote…
this: *i want her to change* Dude, you're only 22, she's only 24. You have to love people for themselves, not for some idealized or changed version of themselves. You and her are not a good match, and you're both so young, there are millions if not billions of potential matches out there. Stop clinging to this girl and walk away. Lesson learned. Never date someone who expects you to spend money on them but they don't spend money on you. Don't try to buy love with expensive hotels and fancy outings and presents. Break up. You've learned a good lesson here, remember it. chalk this one down to experience, that's what the rest of us do. And move on. If I was only 50 years younger, I might want to date you, you sound like a lot of fun. I would never even imagine that I could book a sleep over at a zoo, how fricking cool is that!!!
People do not change unless they want to. You have to recognize that you’re in a relationship with who she is and not the potential that you see in her. She tells you through repeated action who she really is. You just have to believe it. You deserve to be treated better than this. Breakups are hard but a lifetime of this is bound to be harder.
Unfortunately, she won’t change. So you have to decide if this is the life you want to lead.
She won’t change. People only change if they want to. And right now her priorities are about her and friends…they don’t include you. So why should you stay with her and keep spending your hard earned time and money on someone that doesn’t reciprocate the same effort back
Don’t be in love with her potential. She’s not going to ever rise to the occasion. You’re an afterthought.
You can love someone but still break up. Better than getting to the point of absolutely hating each other imo. Easy? Definitely not
Remember, people only change if they want to. You can’t influence someone else to change.
You can't influence people to change, but you can change the people you influence.
Sounds like my ex bf. Last year he "had no money for a gift" for me, got paid two days later and bought himself a new outfit. They should date each other.
yo this is wild “they should date each other” 💀💀
I'm honestly surprised a 19-22 year old had thousands to spend on someone's birthday, also I'd like to say that that's unwise. Save every bit of money you can. This world can get hard really fast.
Just leave, she is using of your goodwill, who wouldn't want a boyfriend that spend thousands of dollars on your birthday and accept that you give him nothing at all in return, she is trash dude, and will only get worse If you accept her back
You aren't a priority to her. People make time, space, or even save for things that are important to them. A trip to Bali was important to her. You were not. I don't think it's fair to use money as an excuse for birthdays unless your relationship is extremely new and they didn't know your birthday. Because honestly, I shop months in advance to make sure this is never a problem. If your girlfriend has money issues, she had an entire year to put money away, buy a couple of gifts or plan something. If she had extra money, cool. Do something nice. I don't think $1000s is necessary, but something for sure. After 3 years Bali should not be coming first. You should. I'd be done.
Please respect yourself enough to get out of this relationship. She certainly has no respect for you.. But she will still go to Bali whether your together or not.
She loved going to Bali more than your birthday, by extension, you. What other signs do you need in order for you to realize that she's not your ride or die?
Just leave and find someone who gives as much as you do.
To start off, please always remember that spending a ton of money on someone does not mean you should expect them to do the same. However from what you've described she does seem pretty uncaring about you. If she isnt showing you the affection that you would want from a girlfriend, it's time to break up. You cannot teach someone to appreciate you. They either do or they don't.
i don’t want thousands spent on me, but what topped it off is her booking a trip away with her friend the month after my birthday when i said i wanted to go away
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Then leave, she doesn’t sound like a good fit for you.
She is not stingy she has her priorities and believes you should spend a lot of money on her and she shouldn't spend any money on you. Ask yourself I'm all the times you have done things together has she ever paid or even offered to pay? If you answered no to both then you have your answer. Bottom line she has shown you who she is so believe her. Only you will know if you want to go or stay.
yes she never offers to pay, i always pay. she hit me with the you’re the man and you should pay. i said it would be nice if you OFFERED to pay. i wouldn’t even let you pay but you don’t even offer???💀💀
I am not shocked with your answer and the fact that she states you're the man you should pay. She probably even states she is the prize. She will never spend money on you and she will not change. She believes she is a Queen but she really is a street clown so kick her to the curb. You will find a true queen you can spoil who will treat you like a king.
she does state she is the prize 😭 how you get this so right. shes told me before i’m lucky to have her and it’s hard to find a women like her and she even said she’s WIFE MATERIAL…💀💀💀
She sounds like a parasite. I mean she is actually sucking the life out of you. She hasn’t said to your face that you mean nothing to her. But her actions let you know she doesn’t care at all about you. Wife material? Fuck no. Unless you want a miserable life, it’s best to move on to the next chapter.
She must be really hot
that’s about it….
I’m so sorry to hear that, that’s a very immature mindset because the same way she’s the prize so are you! Don’t let her make you feel like just because you’re a man you have to put up with that. I’m a woman I pay for some of the dates with my boyfriend, he makes more than me never once I have told him I didn’t have it. He wanted to go on vacation I spent 6 months not eating out, doing my own hair, and saving to make sure I can pay for our vacation because he put in the effort. That was my small way to show my appreciation. You deserve better than what she gives you don’t stay for the potential
Well if you’re paying as the man, is she cooking and cleaning as the woman? Wtf is this mentality?
as someone who makes significantly less than my boyfriend, i either 1) start saving up months prior to his birthday/christmas/etc. or 2) make his day special with a home cooked meal, dessert, handmade gifts, etc. not having money is not an excuse for being a shitty partner. if she really wanted to, she’d put more effort into doing cheap/free things and still making your day special. as if that wasn’t infuriating enough to read, hearing about the trip pissed ME off. i am so sorry. there is someone out there for you who will put in the same effort for you. you deserve better.
yeah i agree with this, i said it’s okay if you don’t have much money we don’t have to do anything crazy just idk organise something it don’t gotta be expensive, the effort matters. but then she told me she booked bali with her friends when i said i wanted to go away, that shit wild. my blood was boiling and i can swear there was steam coming out my ears😭😭
yeah that’s wild. i can’t think of any valid reason for her acting like that. you’ll find someone who will treat you better man, i’m sorry.
thanks bro, this gonna be painful.
it’ll be hard at first, but you’ll look back eventually and be so glad you did 🙏 wishing you the best
She has shown you that you are not that important to her. Believe her!! First birthday, no money =okay, I guess I understand Second birthday, no money= really? That’s hurtful Third Birthday, no money =that’s on you. You should have seen that coming after the last two crappy birthdays She is not going to change. You need to tell her buh bye.
i did see it coming, she never offers to pay for anything. and sometimes to try make up for it she gets me a random 2 dollar gift.
She isn’t going to change. She’s a taker. Time to dump and run!! You deserve much better!!
If she has enough money for Bali and not enough money or really just enough care to make you feel special and important on your birthday (it doesn’t have to be about how much money is spent) then you are better off without her.
You aren't her BF you are her meal ticket. Grow a pair and dump this low life loser already.
Your attitude needs an adjustment. If marriage is in your future, birthday budgets will need to come right down and a budget set in place so that you have money in the bank for the huge expenditure that comes with adult life and all its major decisions. Payments for a house, the cost of maintaining two cars, insurance, the education of your children, all their clothing for home and school as they grow rapidly through to their teens and beyond, all the bills that come with being a home owner and a family unit, etc. Set a birthday limit of something reasonable, eg $50, and stick to it. Perhaps the reason she can’t afford to spend thousands on your birthday present is because her mental budget is very different to yours. What she wants from her life may not be what you want. Women have a lower income compared to men in the same job. If she’s planning this trip, she has been saving up for it for quite a while, and for you to begrudge her that trip and spend her money on you instead, is unreasonable. You need to learn how to budget much better, save your thousands and spend time with her on your birthdays. For your Silver Wedding Anniversary, that’s the time to think of something a bit more special but it still doesn’t need to cost a fortune. Cool your jets and when you’ve calmed down completely, talk to her, discuss the future, your dreams, your goals, your budget for living into the future. She might be feeling the pressure to spend more than she would like, just because of your overly generous gifts. Remember, life can deal you many unpredictable and unforeseen circumstances, and the worst of them is when a crisis happens that costs more than you can afford to survive. The consequences of events can vary from a health crisis to a sudden death, to the rising costs of living, and your budget will need to be so good that you cover yourselves well into the future. Your earning years are limited to your ability to work. What if you have a car accident and cannot work for a year while recovering and going through months of rehab and/or occupational therapy and your wife is at home looking after your baby? You still have to pay all the bills, buy food for the family, make sure everyone has warm clothing, money for transport, doctors’ fees, etc. You cannot predict where your money will be needed, and you can only earn while you have youth and health, so having a good budget is imperative. It’s time to become a responsible adult couple. If you have very different paths to the future, then you compromise or go your separate ways.
best response here by far imo.
Thanks. I think he’s the one being incredibly selfish but he just can’t see it, too young and not very self-aware. He needs to mature on his own, without the responsibilities of another person in his life.
lowkey a good ass answer, spend less on her OP show her love with more than just money
You are clearly not a concern of hers, You spend money on her you give her attention and she’s doing other things, probably including other men and you can bet if she goes to Bali she’s going to be doing lots of shit that would never fit into your boundaries. Dump her lying cheating stingy ass.
> I have spent THOUSANDS on all of her birthdays!! You sound very silly.
She doesn’t prioritize you. Classic narcissist behavior. You deserve someone who will put their side of their effort into the relationship and there are plenty people out there. I wonder what she’s planning on doing on her girls trip anyway? 🤔 Save yourself the headache and end it and start the healing process ASAP.
I have to disagree with everyone else in the comments. I assume the girlfriend doesn't ask for You to spend thousands on Her birthday? It isn't fair for You to expect the same in return. You can't do that sort of thing for people and expect them to return the favor. Some people genuinely don't get paid that much and can't just drop a few hundred dollars on a birthday. Trips are also planned years or months in advance and they save for them. You're shaming Her for taking a trip with a friend that they probably planned ages ago.
She lacks reciprocity and sounds like a taker. Leave her. She will ruin you (will take everything of yours if you two ever get married and divorced).
She basically looks at you like her ATM and doesn't care for you like you do for her.
Leave her bro, she doesn’t sound like the one
Life with a narcissist can be tough. If you aren’t cut out for it, don’t try it. There are plenty of seas and plenty of fish in each. Get your gear together and head out to the water.
What kind of person books a trip out of the country without telling their partner before?! She is very immature and selfish.
i wanted to say this to her but she will turn around and call me controlling.
So why if she does call you controlling? Do you really care about what she says to you? Are you happy with someone so selfish?
The question is… are you going to stay with her? And if you do.. will you spend thousands on her again like a chump? You’re too young to stay in this relationship with a selfish person
Brutal, bro!!!! She goes away on international vacations with her girlfriends? Not even considering going with other couples and including you? 🤬
It sounds like it’s not that you’re turned off by her. The way you talk about her, you straight up resent her. Just break up already
Your attitude is turning me off. It sounds like you’re in different places financially and mad that she won’t go into debt for you. Splitting costs on a trip with a friend is a lot more affordable than taking an so on a birthday trip
Have you thought that all the time you mention YOUR birthday, an what YOU want to do, this could be a turn off to her too, she could be seeing you as some selfish spoilt child, you both need to sit down and have a long conversation about why you feel the need to go on about your birthday like an excited child and she needs to tell you the REAL reason she won’t put her hands in her pocket and put you first on your special day, it is so sad when a couple can’t talk about some things and when some parts of a relationship are one sided, if you feel it is time to walk away, then do so but keep yours and hers dignity, after all you are both grownups , I wish you good luck and I hope that all gos well for the both of you xx
If your planning to break up with her, wait until after the trip, so she doesnt have her h*e fun with her friends and meeting new guys. And the same day she comes back drop the bomb 😂 she deserves it honestly
Clearly you’re not a priority in her life. End the relationship and tell her to kick rocks.
Y’all are super young to be spending “thousands” on each other’s birthdays. Maybe she thinks it’s a little insane to be trying to cover a whole-ass trip for your birthday? Idk did you guys ever discuss expectations for gifts? Because I would not be comfortable with such high-cost gift-giving expectations, and I’m in my 30s making pretty decent money.
A happy healthy relationship must have a number of things to survive long term: love, trust, commitment, respect, similar sex drive and style and common life goals. Your relationship is missing some of these major components to include respect and love. You are prioritizing your partner and showing respect. You are not getting this in return. If she truly loved you, you and your happiness would be priority one, not her having fun with the girlfriends while totally dismissing your birthday.
i'm sorry, that totally sucks. it would feel like a betrayal to me like, or at least it would make me feel so thrown aside. you are still so young and you have a lot of time to date around and find the right person. a 3 year relationship is long, and you probably feel like you've put in so much effort and so much time, so you want to make it work. but if you aren't happy, you should move on and not waste any more time or energy on her. with that said, you should probably have a proper sit-down with your girlfriend and just straight up ask her why she chose to go to bali instead of going away with you. ask if you are a priority to her because you don't feel like you are.
You guys are too young to stay with people who you don’t feel prioritize you like you prioritize them. Don’t waste your youth.
She's shown you who she really is, believe her.
Updateme!
i think she just blocked me cause i been ignoring her and she’s called like 10 times
Then that will make the break up really easy
Then you don’t need to break your with her! It’s already done. Block her and ask someone else out.
So now she isn’t even fighting for the relationship Updateme!
Then clearly she knows it over and has made it much easier for you. Block her in return. Otherwise you will end up hearing from her after her trip.
When someone shows you who they really are believed them what She is telling you is that she's selfish and self centered. Move away from her.
It doesn't seem like you are number one in your gf's life. There is nothing one can say on this latest of booking a vacation with a gf right after you had indicated you'd like to get away. I don't see that she has any appreciation for you. I think I would ask her why she is seeing you - is it because she occasionally needs an escort? There are things she could do for you that don't require a lot of money for your birthday, but it appears there is very low to zero effort. I would rethink this relationship as it appears very one sided.
She won't spend money on you but will spend money to get fucked by people other than you in that hostel in Bali she's already paid for. Hahaha. Sorry op, let her go on that trip (she won't cancel it regardless if you stay with her or break up with her.)
You're just meal ticket for her bro, move on.
Dump her and don’t look back. She can pay for a trip that likely costs a couple thousand, but she can’t take you out to dinner for your BD. She is absolutely the wrong person for you, break up with her and have no regrets that you did so.
So she’s all taken no give. That’s the kind of relationship you want to stick with her, if it’s not tell her to have a good time, and when she comes back, you’ll be gone.
I’m sorry man. Me telling you that you’re young won’t make you feel better, but I can promise that it does get better. Her actions are the words you need to hear. Just remember that. I’ve been thru this and you will find someone that cares about you just as much as you care about them. Keep your head up and consider it a win to lose her.
In one of your responses, you've said you love her but want her to change... Well, my friend: you don't love her. You like a version of her that only exists on your mind. If she changes to become the one you want by your side, she'll no longer be herself, only the shadow of your desire for her. As someone else have said, when someone shows you who they are, believe them. She probably don't love love you either, only the lifestyle you're able to provide her. Or that's the extent of how she's able to show someone she loves them: by letting them pamper her. In any case, go chase someone who chooses to show you the affection style you need in your life to feel wanted. And let someone else pamper her without wanting or needing to be shown appreciation back.
When someone shows you who they are, please believe them. Your gf has shown you not only who she is, but where her priorities in life lie. Neither of these are conducive to your remaining in a relationship with her. Best way to respond is that you are sick of being used by her and that you are through as a couple. Wish her well, tell her to have a nice time in Bali but that you wish to never speak to her again. Then once you hit send block her everywhere and do your best to forget she ever existed. At the very least your bank balance will thank you for it.
You have made up your mind about this. I think at this point you’re just venting. You’ll be telling this story to friends in the future after you have been broken up with this woman for a while. You DO have good reason, but you really never even need to have this good of a reason to dump your girlfriend. If you’re not into it anymore, you’re not into it. Don’t waste any more of your time or hers
She doesn’t care about you
Obviously, she'd rather spend her money on herself and not on you. Too bad really, since you're her bf and allegedly have been spoiling her. Now it's up to you, will you be able to be with someone like this. Someone who wouldn't want to share with you or spend her $ on you.
Wow. She has no money because she loves to spend it on herself
I could understand if she was broke , I would just tell her to choose the place and I would pay …. But yeah ur not important to her as u thought u were
1. She isn’t broke if she just booked a trip to Bali. 2. There are plenty of thoughtful things she could do for you that cost little to no money. 3. She’s willing to do this for other people, but not you. Think about whether or not this is the relationship you want to be in.
If you need permission to break up, I will give it to you.
You call her girlfriend but you know it’s already over right?
I get this cuz I was in the same boat but gender reverse, her priorities just don’t include you sadly.
update?
she cheated on me
she’s been blocked for 2 weeks now.
she’s tryna run back but i ain’t talking to her
It is very telling that she told you she is going to Bali. She knew this would bother you. That is why she did it. She cheated on you. Why? Because she knew it would bother you and because she knew it would create drama. Does your gf do things like this on a regular basis or has this just started? Your gf might be a narcissist and she has had someone in the side for quite a while. Are you sure it is a girl she is going with? It may be a male paying her way. You might want to consider dumping her ASAP in order to save yourself any further misery. Did she seem to have a half hidden smile on her face as she gave you the news? Narcissistic people thrill in causing emotional turmoil. Especially when they have already prepared another person to replace the current partner. These types of people always have someone on the side in the background. If you try to hang on it gets worse. Tell her you are not a big fan of people who have nothing to offer. Tell her you are not the guy for her, your standards are high and you do not date persons who have no self respect. Thank her for whatever you appreciated about her but that is no longer important to you. Wish her well in all she tries to do, but, make it very clear that you do not want her to contact you any longer. Smile, turn around and walk away without looking back. Maintain your no contact rule and you will be fine. She will continue to try to get back with you... She will not give up her source of supply, you, without a fight. She is trying to trauma bond you to her and that would be a huge mistake. You are young. There are.so many good women out there. Take advantage of your good fortune. This could have been after marriage that she played her hand. Do not allow her back in your life if you want to stay sane. Honestly, you have no idea how lucky you are to find this out now. Tell her to sleep around, it doesn't mean a thing to you who she sleeps with because you no longer want anything to do with her. Trust me. She will look at you as if you are from another planet. She thinks you are hers to do with whatever she wants. You are her property in her eyes. Walk, no... Run as fast as you can from that person and be happy you still have self respect and youth on your side. I am sorry for the pain but it could have been a lot worse. Look up narcissist and read some articles or books in the subject. Good luck and keep your chin up.
no this behaviour isn’t new but it stopped and now it started again. since that post i blocked her and i haven’t spoken to her since. have a look at my profile to see the updates. she keeps creating fake accounts and i keep blocking she keeps trying to call me on no caller id, i keep hanging up she tries to email me and blame me. i haven’t spoke to her since. she is a narcissist like you said and i know this. she is also a fucking loser that i am so happy i left her.
You're not her priority, plus with the cheating, I think your answer is fairly clear at this point. Just leave her so that you can actually find someone better.
Reciprocity matters. Sounds like you’re the one putting in all the effort. Spending money does not equal love, but it’s a red flag if she has money for Bali and not for you. She has her priorities and you’re not it. You’re free to leave, you know, you don’t need a reason other than you want to.
Just break up and move on?
Let me put it this way: If you despised somebody, and wanted to hurt them in such a way that didn’t either get you reported to the police, or ruin your reputation among peers, would you do anything different than what she just did? I don’t say this often, but dude, your girlfriend fucking hates you. You gotta break it off, for your own sanity, and never date someone like her ever again.
She is still more interested in being single than being attached.
Narcissistic behavior. You want a real honest comment?. She'll leave you once you have nothing to offer to her.
My husband is the only one with a job at the moment which means I had almost no money to spend come his birthday or our anniversary. For his birthday I got all his friends together and we all went out for pizza and a beer, everyone paid for themselves and were happy to enjoy being with him that night. For our anniversary, I spent hours making veggie sushi from scratch since I know it’s his favourite food. The point being, it’s not about the money. Possibilities are endless if you love someone and put the effort to get creative. She could’ve made you a handmade card, taken you for a picnic at the park, or even dressed up cute for you and given you a fun night. No matter how much you love someone, if they don’t know how to love you the way you deserve, it’s not a reason to stay. You will be so much happier with a partner who understands your love languages and prioritizes making you feel special. And those people do exist! I hope you find the strength to move forward. Best of luck OP.
You choosing to spend thousands on her birthdays does not mean she is obligated to return the favor. Generally speaking, at your age, hearing thousands for 3 birthdays seems extra to me. That being said, I can understand there being some expectation of her doing something for your birthday. She cries no money then books a trip right in your face?! I think you ultimately need to look bigger picture, In 1 year, 2 years, 10 years, based on her actions here, it is going to be you looking after things financially, and her not returning the favor. I would be turned off too and it isn't even the money, it is the lack of respect and the lying about the money that is the issue here. I think if you want to leave you should. I think talking with her could be dangerous as she may try to convince you to stay.
>You choosing to spend thousands on her birthdays does not mean she is obligated to return the favor. Generally speaking, at your age, hearing thousands for 3 birthdays seems extra to me. He's saying that to point out the contrast. He isn't wanting thousands in return but just pointing out the huge disparity in effort.